#maybe it's because i hate myself | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

paimonial-rage · 2 months ago

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returning home - freminet

ship: freminet x reader

synopsis: selkies are creatures of the sea. the world of land can never be their home

notes: 11.2k words, au where the twins don’t exist and arlecchino hasn’t taken over the house of the hearth yet

It took you a few moments to realize what they were speaking of when you heard it. A selkie. You heard that word before, long before your father sold you to the orphanage. Your mother told you the stories as a child cuddled up to her side on those cold nights. With a smile, she would weave tales of the marvelous creatures hidden within the boundaries of Fontaine as her lovely voice would lull you to sleep.

Though human in appearance, selkies were creatures of the sea. It was said that on some nights when one was really lucky, one would be able to see a seal shed its coat on the shore. And from it, a beautiful human would emerge. If you wanted to bind them to land, it would require stealing and hiding their seal skin. But you had to make sure they never found it, for if they did, the sea would inevitably call for their return. They cannot ignore that which flows through their veins.

You were not surprised to hear that word again, nor that they existed. There were many strange and mystical creatures throughout the whole of Teyvat. What you found the most surprising was your lack of it upon hearing that Freminet was one.

A selkie.

He didn’t tell you. You happened upon it a few months after entering the House while eavesdropping on a conversation between two of your “instructors.” They said that the Director took his seal skin from him when Freminet’s mother first gave him to the House. She hid it away deep within her quarters in a chest by her bed. Though curiosity burned within them, the instructors did not dare ask to see it. The Director’s responses were never kind.

Still, the thought didn’t really bother you at first, nor did it spur you to action. Though you knew Freminet (you knew all the kids of the Hearth), it couldn’t be said that you truly “knew” him. You preferred to keep your distance, after all. The less you cared about your siblings, the better. Still, you knew enough of Freminet to know what he was like.

He was a gloomy kid, quiet and polite. When he wasn’t on missions, one could often find him in the Hearth’s bookroom reading stories or in the basement tinkering on different clockwork machines. You could tell from the moment you first saw him that he was the sensitive sort, the type that was often overwhelmed by his emotions. It would explain why the Director picked on him so much.

But more than that, you could always tell that he didn’t exactly belong. Granted, barely any of the children of the House belonged. Majority were weak and pathetic, the kind that cried themselves to sleep every night. But Freminet was different. Perhaps it was how he’d speak softly to his clockwork creations or the way you’d often find him lingering under the surface of the sea for hours. It was as if he didn’t belong to the world in which you lived.

Still, you didn’t bother to put more thought into him than that. Children entered and exited the House like a revolving door. Though you started after him, you doubted he would be along for much longer. Such was the fate of the weak and pitiful. And Freminet was the poster child of such. It didn’t matter that he had a reason for being that way. You simply wanted nothing to do with him.

Unfortunately, life always found it hilarious to act in opposition to whatever you wished for.

It was a normal day just like any other around a year after you became a part of the House. You were put in command of a squad of your siblings, Freminet being one of them. You were to infiltrate the Fortress of Meropide through an underwater passageway to obtain intelligence gathered by one of the Hearth’s operatives. Under the guise of nightfall, you all dove into the depths of the sea to head to the rendezvous point. You doubted it would be too difficult to make it past the perimeter lighting, so you didn’t give anything much thought as you swam ahead of the group.

Then it happened. All of a sudden, a hand yanked your arm back and began pulling you back to the surface. It was Freminet. And though you could not see his expression through the diving helmet, there was nothing that could describe his actions better than “panicked.” It irritated you at first, prompting you to fight back. In an odd bout of confidence, you didn’t see anything worth retreating over. But when he finally turned and pointed at your siblings floating lifelessly at your sides, you finally realized the urgency.

It was only when you both grabbed everyone and regrouped at the surface that you realized what occurred. There was a malfunction in the oxygen tubes causing an uneven distribution of gasses in the suits. If he didn’t warn you right then and there, you would have lost consciousness and died in the water with the rest.

When you all returned before the Director that evening, you spoke up before the rest could. You told her that the mission was terminated early due to an oversight on your part. Before your siblings could disagree, you sent them back to the orphanage, away from the Director. You didn’t think much of it. This wouldn’t have happened had you double checked the suits beforehand, so you didn’t mind taking the blame. Besides, you highly doubted the rest would care. No doubt they were relieved they would not have to be punished.

So imagine your surprise when you stumbled back to your bed hours later, bloodied and bruised, to find Freminet there with a first-aid kit in hand. The way guilt filled his eyes made you want to sneer. Such weakness would do him no favors as a child of the House. Not wanting his pity, you told him to leave. But instead, with gritted teeth, he refused. He wished to dress your wounds. And though you tried to explain to him that such niceties would earn him nothing, he still made no move to leave. However, exhausted and not willing to invest any more energy into him, you finally decided to let him be.

It was the first time your wounds ever healed so quickly.

You thought at first that would be the last of it, but every time failed missions left the back of your legs torn to ribbons, there he would be to wrap you up again. It reached a point you didn’t even argue with him anymore. You simply watched. When you finally asked why he chose to help you all the time, he answered back with something you didn’t expect.

“You sacrifice yourself for the other children of the House all the time. I’m… really thankful for that.”

You almost wanted to laugh.

“Sacrifice?” You echoed with a scoff. “I have no recollection of ever doing that.”

“Whenever a mission fails, you always take the fall for the team. You distract our instructors when they’re punishing others. You protect the younger ones when we’re in battle. If… that isn’t sacrifice, what is?”

You didn’t know how to reply to that. While he wasn’t exactly wrong that you did those things, it wasn’t for the reasons he purported. As the leader of missions, it was your responsibility for things to proceed as planned. Beating the children meant more failed missions. And the more people that got hurt on missions, the more work you’d have to do. But you knew there was no point in saying such things. You highly doubted he would believe you.

“Still. Taking care of me isn’t going to change anything. Being kind won’t change things for the better,” you finally responded, doing your best not to wince once he applied the antiseptic.

“I don’t know. Maybe things will.”

You didn’t respond after that. If there was one thing you did not do, it was associate yourself with people in denial. If being kind is what caused change, the House would’ve been a very different place ages ago. As it was now, the only way to survive was to put oneself first no matter what. Kind acts only got one hurt in the end.

And yet, on days you had nothing to do, you found yourself frequenting his company. It certainly wasn’t because you liked him. Perhaps you were curious or maybe you simply just wished to pass the time. If he wasn’t going to leave you alone whenever you were injured, you felt it would only be right to bother him during the moments he may have wanted his solitude.

“You don’t think they’re real, do you? Those fairytales,” you asked one day, peering over his shoulder to the book he held.

It wasn’t a question you’d ask just anyone. Even children had the ability to differentiate between fantasy and reality. Freminet, though, you weren’t too sure. You saw the way he’d speak to his clockwork creations. You noticed how he’d spend his spare change on new picture books. You knew he preferred to live in his mind, but you never knew the extent to which he did. As if reading your mind, he shrunk under your gaze.

“No, even I know the difference between fantasy and reality. I… I know some look down on them, but I find strength through stories like these.”

“Why?” You asked, unable to keep your mouth shut. “Aren’t you just using them to run away?”

He bit his lip.

“I… I don’t mean to…” He mumbled, shrinking even further.

You grimaced, doing your best to ignore the way guilt rose in your throat.

“No, I’m not… I’m not attacking you. I’m just trying to understand. If you think I’m wrong, just say so. I’m not going to get mad.”

Biting his lip, he glanced back down at his storybook. Then after gathering his thoughts, he turned his gaze to you once more.

“I… I think instead of running away, the worlds I read in fairytales help me to stay. They’re so different, but I feel connected to them, like they’re supporting me. And while I know they don’t exist here, I can’t help but feel they do somewhere out there. Knowing that helps me to try to live up to what they see in me by facing the world I live in.”

When you didn’t respond, though, his gaze turned to the floor once more.

“S-Sorry, I know it’s dumb–”

“I still don’t really get it, but…” You then turned to him. “If you’re saying they’re helping you to be stronger, I’ll believe you.”

If you had to be honest, you weren’t taking his words as easily as you seemed. Though you did have to admit that he was getting more forward over time, you couldn’t quite believe him fully as of yet. Using such fragile means as a crutch was still a form of running away, right? That was not even mentioning how he viewed the fairytale worlds as “real” in some way. Was this due to him not quite being part of the human world in the first place?

The more time you spent with him, the more you started to feel that perhaps he was not the person you initially believed him to be. Though still quiet and apologetic, you soon found out he didn’t exactly let you push him around. During moments you disagreed, you’d sometimes find his voice raising ever so slightly so as to insist his point be heard. Never would you have thought he had a stubborn streak to him, nor how much it would have bothered you.

“I knew what I was doing,” he told you one day as he laid in his bed.

Your hands shook in anger as they used gauze after gauze to clean the backs of his legs. Some lash marks cut deep enough that only stitches would keep them closed. Could you steady your fingers long enough to complete that? You didn’t know. You couldn’t think straight. You were itching to do anything but this. You wanted to punch something. Stab something. You knew who you wanted to bleed. But that’s not what was needed for you at the moment.

“If you knew what you were doing, you never would have ended up in this state. What were you thinking!?” You hissed.

“If I didn’t,” he began, “everyone else would have been punished too. Besides, don’t you do the same?”

You gritted your teeth, unable to stifle the growl that rose in your throat.

“That’s not the same thing,” you spat out. “We’re not the same, Freminet. You’re not like me. You’re not strong. Mother already has something out for you and now you do this!? Are you an idiot? You need to stop pretending like you’re something more. You are weak, just like the rest, so just stay in the basement hiding away with your fairytale friends and clockwork penguins and stop–” You caught yourself a moment too late. “Wait no, I didn’t mean it like that. I–”

Your wide eyes met his, both of you clearly not expecting the outburst. Yet when concern took over his expression and not anger, you found yourself confused. You couldn’t even move when he reached out his hand to brush something from your cheek.

“I’m sorry, First. Don’t cry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Before you had the chance to snap back, you finally felt it, the stray tear that was trailing down the left side of your face. You pulled back. You weren’t actually– But when another tear began to fall, this time on the right, you hastily wiped it and the rest that were starting to fall away.

“If you’re sorry, don’t do it again,” you finally mumbled.

But he shook his head.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

No matter how much you argued with him that evening, he refused to let it go. He didn’t care if it meant gaining Crucabena’s attention. He didn’t mind that it resulted in him getting hurt. It made you wonder if perhaps you were at fault. If you didn’t keep seeking out his company, would he have ever conjured up such terrible ideas? How could he not see where you were coming from?

So upset you were with him that when he invited you out the next day, you said yes only for the chance it gave to yell at him away from the House’s walls and ears. Ever busy mentally preparing the lecture for him, you didn’t even notice when you found yourself at the docks with a diving suit in hand. Seeing the question in your eyes, he hesitated.

“I want to show you something. Just trust me.”

So steeling your gaze, you nodded and slipped on the diving helmet. After jumping into the water, he led you by hand down into the depths. Though you never noticed it before, it was interesting to see how seamlessly he glided through the water. Though there were many places in the deep that the currents tossed one this way and that, he navigated each stream with ease as if he instinctively knew which ones to take to get to his goal.

Eventually you finally reached a parting between the corals and seaweed where the light shined through. There the Romaritime flowers were in full bloom as blue and purple Tidalga danced along to the sides. Large pink clam shells could be seen in the distance with Lumitoile dotting the rocks. Instinctively you knew this was the place he’d come to hide during those times he was away from the House.

Pulling you to the middle of the clearing, he then let himself lay back upon the sand and looked up at the sky. In confusion, you followed suit and turned your gaze skyward. The sight was breathtaking. The clouds swayed with the movement of the waves as the sun’s harsh gaze softened within the waters. Colorful fish entered and exited your vision as if they didn’t notice your presence. Despite the symphony of sight dancing before your eyes, it was silent. Peaceful.

It was only when the sky began turning a warm reddish hue that you finally realized the time. It certainly wouldn’t do you both well to get back so late. But when you turned to your companion, his eyes were still on the sky as if transfixed. And when you nudged him to catch his attention, it took a few moments for him to come back to himself, as if finding ground within his body once more. And by the way he looked back longingly at the clearing as you swam away, it was clear he did not wish to leave.

When you both broke the surface and began to remove your diving suits, you couldn’t tear your gaze away from him. Did he know, you wondered, that this was where he belonged? That this was his real home?

“Is this where you go when you’re not on missions?” You asked, already knowing the answer.

He nodded.

“The underwater world is much simpler than the world of dry land. When I’m there, there’s no sound and everything is peaceful. I feel I can be myself.” He bit his lip before continuing. “I know you’re worried about me, but I’ll be okay. I… I may not be as strong as you, but from you, Pers, being able to come here… I’m able to draw strength to protect the people and things I care about.”

You didn’t understand. How could you? How was he able to draw strength from a place he could barely bring himself to leave? He instinctively knew that it was there that he belonged. Still… as much as confusion filled your mind, you couldn’t deny that resolute look in his eyes. As much as you hated it, he wasn’t going to listen to you. He was going to protect the things he cared about in any way that he could.

That being said, never did you imagine you would be one of those things.

It was after a mission one thunderous evening. There you stood before Mother reporting of your success as your siblings, your teammates, did their best to stifle sniffles and sobs beside you. It didn’t take Mother long to guess why. You were a team of five, after all. So whatever could have happened that you came back with only three in tow? The way Mother smiled so kindly sent chills down your spine.

“My children,” she began, her voice soothing like sandpaper, “Don’t be sad. Death is a fact of life. As it was, your sister simply was not strong enough to survive. There is no need to mourn the weak. The only pride to be found is in being strong. You must keep up with your training so you won’t end up like her, hm?”

You left the debriefing with the taste of ash in your mouth. You didn’t follow your siblings to the dining room after, nor to the living room. Instead, you went straight to your bedroom and sat upon the floor at the foot of your bed. In every way, the Director was correct. The only way to survive the House was by being strong. It gave no favors to the weak. And yet…

And yet…

“First?” A voice called out as a knock came at your door. Though you didn’t answer, the door slowly creaked open as a face peeked inside. Your eyes did not meet his, but he stepped inside anyway and closed the door behind him before taking a seat next to you, invading your privacy as he usually did.

“I brought you something to eat. You… must be hungry after your mission,” he stated as he placed a tray of bread and soup before you. But once again, you did not reply.

“Are… you okay? Do you… want to talk about it?” He asked.

You gritted your teeth.

“What is there to talk about? Another child falls prey to the House. Isn’t that just another Tuesday for us?” You asked, throwing your arms before you in irritation. “I told her to be careful. I told her to run at the first hint of trouble. But what did she do? When push came to shove, she came back. After I told her to run! And now look where that got her. Can’t even live to tell the tale.

“Why didn’t she listen to me!?” You asked as you ran a hand through your hair. “If she just stayed hidden like I told her to, she would have survived. I was handling the situation just fine. I didn’t need her. Why do weak people like her do that!? Try to act like they can do things? She should have just kept her head low and protected herself and– And–”

Your head dropped as your voice finally broke.

“She was only nine, Freminet.”

Wrapping your arms around yourself, your shoulders shook as sobs began to wrack your form. You hated this. You hated this so much. You hated your siblings. You hated the House. But most of all, you hated yourself.

As he pulled you into his arms, you could only lean against him as you sobbed. “I couldn’t even stay there as she died. There were other people coming, so I… I left her there all alone. She had to die with nobody by her side. I couldn’t do a thing.”

That evening, he had no words to give that would console you. Instead, he simply held you, choosing to cry with you instead. After all, what else could you have done? What else was there left to say? Even though in the back of your mind, you knew you should have felt embarrassment and shame for being weak and crying before him so openly, you couldn’t bring yourself to do so. All you wanted was to be held.

From that day forward, the human warmth he gave so freely changed something within you. Often you would find yourself sitting next to him shoulder to shoulder. It wasn’t rare for you to find your way to his bed those evenings another orphan didn’t make their way home. It made you weak in a way you couldn’t bring yourself to mind. And neither did he.

He began to invite you to more things—reading together, tinkering with his clockwork creations, journeys into the sea. He began breaking the rules for you even more—sneaking you food when you were sent to your room without, distracting the instructors when you were to be beaten. You scolded him every time, and though he’d stand there and take it, never did he listen to you.

You became used to it, having him around. For the first time in years, you wanted to be with someone. It almost made it too easy to forget that he wasn’t like you. But you couldn’t. You wanted to ignore it, that he wasn’t strong. That he wasn’t built to survive. That the House wasn’t a place he belonged. You were always reminded of it whenever he brought you to the ocean. You saw it every time, after all, how he didn’t want to leave.

It made you curious in the kind of way that made your chest grow tight and your heart beat. When did you start feeling that Freminet was safe? That there was no need to put up any walls between you? That his presence calmed you in ways no one else could? You didn’t know when he started to have that effect on you, but it definitely happened longer ago than you would have liked.

But to ask him about the question that had been rolling in your mind for so long? Truthfully, though only he could ease your disquieting emotions, you weren’t sure if you wanted to know. You knew what the truth would mean for you and what it would entail. You didn’t know if you were ready for it.

It was only after many visits to the sea that your curiosity finally won out.

“Freminet, you always go back to the sea whenever you have the time. So… if you had the chance, would you stay there forever if you could…?”

As if your question caught him off guard, his eyes widened at the thought. Then, he glanced away so as to ponder your words. Ever so slowly, his eyes were drawn towards the sea. You wondered what it was like. He could not ignore its call even if he tried. But as if he suddenly remembered where he was, he blinked once, then twice. Then he brought his attention back to you once more.

“N-No. I’d leave you behind.”

You couldn’t ignore the way your heart warmed at his response. It was as much of a lie as you knew it to be, but still. If he hesitated for you, even just for a moment, you supposed you could be satisfied with that. At least you knew you had a place within his heart. But it planted a seed, didn’t it?

So you began to play with thoughts, treasonous thoughts, during your spare moments of peace. You knew it. Your siblings knew it. There was no future within the House. If death didn’t come already, it would eventually. You’d seen it many times, after all. The House’s hunger was not partial. It did not discriminate. It welcomed any orphan unlucky enough to cross its path and devoured them whole.

No matter what you did, no matter how much you tried to ignore it, you lost track of the amount of siblings you saw come and go. They simply were not fit for it, not strong enough to survive. In the depths of your heart, you truly wanted to save them, but how could you? There were no lands the Fatui did not touch. There was no place they couldn’t go. What was the point in running away if it was inevitable to be found?

But Freminet was different. You didn’t know much, but if there was anything you knew for sure, it was that Freminet did not belong in the House. Sure, none of your siblings belonged, but Freminet truly was different. He wasn’t a creature of the land. He belonged to the sea. As much as you tried to protect him, he deserved so much more than you could ever offer.

If he had his seal skin, you thought, he could leave. He could live at the bottom of the ocean and never return. He could swim away, far away from Fontaine, and never look back. And why would he? Even now the sea sang for him. It longed to be reunited. What child could resist that? Who would give up the chance of returning home?

It was around the same time you began to hear rumors of one of your sisters, the Director’s favorite. If you heard it correctly, it seemed she had her eyes set on revenge against the House. Though you didn’t know her personally, you heard she was the sole survivor of the “competition” the Director set with another orphanage to become King of the House. She was strong, much stronger than the rest of you.

But as much as you wished to hope, you knew the truth. The Director was a woman to be feared. Revolts had occurred enough times for you to know the chances of success were low. And the punishment? If only it was death. With the regular kids in the House, they were beaten until the moment before they lost the light in their eyes. Then they were wrapped up and thrown back into servitude the day after. The Director wanted the orphans to long one day for freedom. It only made beating them into submission more sweet.

But what of the child that she raised into a King? No doubt she was strong. It would be no less than a fight to the death. If the Director had to kill the king she raised so dearly, what would that mean for the rest of you? Would she embroil the current House into a competition for a new king? And if that were to come to be, what would happen to Freminet? There was no way he’d survive.

So what if you snuck into the Director’s room, you wondered. What if you reached into the trunk she kept at the base of her bed and stole Freminet’s seal skin away? She wouldn’t notice, right? Surely you would have enough time to give it back to Freminet. And if the Director did return from the duel to the death with your sister, by then it would be too late, wouldn't it? Freminet would be long gone, back to the ocean where he belonged.

As the days passed, you found yourself listening more and more to the whispers shared between the bloodied walls. You discovered more about your sister, how she was training flames of her will. How powerful she was becoming. You heard how the Director was soon planning to take a trip to Mont Esus East, a place she often visited when she was free. It wouldn’t be long now. The thought sent shivers down your spine. But unfortunately, you weren’t the only one on edge.

“First?” Freminet asked one of those days, shaking you from your thoughts. “Did I… do something wrong?”

The way worry reflected so clearly within those gray-blue eyes of his drew up guilt within your gut before confusion could settle in.

“N-No?” You blurted out. “Did I do anything to make you feel that way?”

He then bit his lip and glanced away. And if you didn’t feel guilty before, you certainly did then. He always was the sensitive sort. You didn’t know how much bugging it took on your part to finally get him to open up.

“It’s just… you’ve been distant,” he finally let out. “If I did anything wrong, you’d tell me, right?”

As he asked, his eyes met yours as if searching for something, but what, you didn’t know.

“Of course I would,” you replied softly. “I’ve just been… distracted.”

And at the very least, it wasn’t a lie. He truly did not do anything wrong. And you had been distracted. You had many plans you needed to set perfectly into play, after all. But never did you think he’d catch wind that something was off about you. You thought you were acting as you always had.

But whatever it was he was searching for within your eyes, he did not find. Pressing his lips together, his hands balled into fists as he looked away in frustration. Whatever answer you were supposed to give, it certainly was not the one he wanted. But ever the gentle person he was, he didn’t use his growing irritation to lambast you.

“But… is that all it is…? During your free time, you don’t spend as much time at the House anymore. There were times I’ve seen you trailing the instructors when they go out. You’ve even been eavesdropping on our siblings when they’re not watching. I just… Is there something going on that you can’t tell me? Is that why you’ve been avoiding me?”

Your jaw dropped in shock. Were you that obvious? Never did you think you were that bad at intelligence gathering. When did he notice all of that? And how in the world did he trace the cause to himself? But you couldn’t tell him the truth. If he found out what you were planning, he’d never let you go through with it. You knew that he would never let you take on something so dangerous just for his sake.

He then took your hands, avoiding your gaze.

“Am I that unreliable to you that you can’t trust me?” His voice cracked. “Is that why you won’t let me help you?”

Your mouth gaped as you tried to find something, anything to say. But what could you? There was no way he’d understand your motives. But the more you hesitated, the more hurt his expression became. When it became clear that you were not going to break, he dropped your hands and took a step back. The way his shoulders drew themselves in constricted your chest. And when a tear finally slipped from his eye, your breath froze in your throat.

“I-I see. I… I’m sorry for bothering you.”

As much as you wished to forget, sleep avoided your grasp that evening. An uncomfortable ache settled in your chest. No matter how much you tried, you could not forget the way his voice wavered as he bid you goodbye. He left the House soon after your disagreement, no doubt bound for the sea. Did he realize that it was approaching curfew? He certainly would be punished by the Director if he came back a second too late. Should you go out for him? Should you apologize and tell him the truth?

Even when he returned, your thoughts were on him. You couldn’t stop. He didn’t return to you the next day or the following, after all. As each day passed, you found yourself gazing ever more to your bedroom door waiting for him to enter. What was he doing? Was he spending his time in the ocean or amongst the fairy tale books in the library? Was he thinking of you? You knew this would all be fixed if you just apologized, but as much as you wanted to, you knew doing so required telling him the truth, and you couldn’t do that.

So as each day you clung to your pride and fear passed, an unsettling truth finally began settling in. When you give him his seal coat, he would leave for good, won’t he? He would never return. And then what would you do then? Here you couldn’t last even a few days without his company. But when he finally left, would you be able to go back to being alone? When was it that he began to matter so much to you?

And then that final thought sunk in. What if… What if you didn’t give him his skin? It wasn’t like he ever found out you were planning on retrieving it. He couldn’t be hurt by something he didn’t know. If you just protected him, he could be with you. He wouldn’t have to leave. You could do that, right? Protect him from the Director and the instructors. Couldn’t you make him happy? You could walk up to him and apologize and everything would go back to the way they used to be.

And for that matter, who’s to say that he even was a selkie. Here you were operating all this off of a private discussion you heard years ago. Even if instinct screamed against it, there was still a chance he was human like you. And if he was, then he would have no choice but to stay. With you. Forever.

But… that wasn’t the truth, was it? You couldn’t ignore it even if you tried. All the signs of his lineage were there from the very beginning. And regardless of what happened between the Director and your sister, things would change and you had no power over that. As it was, the sooner Freminet left, the better. Even if it meant being alone, even if it meant your death, at least he could go home.

As distracted as you were with your thoughts, though, the House certainly was not. They heard the stories of your sister and the revenge she sought. They saw the excitement slowly grow within the Director’s eyes. What was going to happen next? Who was going to win? The air in the House was thick with tension. Where the younger ones shivered in fear, the older ones shook with maddened anticipation. Greed could be seen seeping into the eyes of the many instructors.

When that fateful day came, war was going to strike. The ever mounting sins of the House and its descendants would suddenly topple forth burying alive those not strong enough to survive. Would the children of the House break free of their oppressor? Would another cruel leader take the Director’s place? Or would this be all for naught? It was hard to say.

But the moment the Director left for Mont Esus East, you knew you couldn’t dwell in your sorrows and second thoughts any longer. Gone was your chance of reconciliation. It was now the time to act.

So when the early hours of the morning came, you slipped from your bunk and quietly stalked through the orphanage. Though there were instructors meant to patrol, the silence of the night lulled their senses dull, letting you sneak into the Director’s room unhindered. It was simple, too simple, but you didn’t allow yourself to question it. And just as the instructors said, there was the chest sitting at the foot of the Director’s bed.

When you went to open it, you couldn’t help but swallow nervously upon peering inside. The chest was filled with an assortment of knickknacks the Director no doubt stole from the other orphans, but there in the corner was what you had been dreading to find, the seal skin. Reaching for it, you couldn’t help but gasp as your fingers brushed against it. It was soft, like thick velvet. And when you pulled it out, a small clockwork pendant fell from its folds.

You couldn’t help but chuckle to yourself softly when you picked it up. You knew Freminet was very young when he was brought to the House, but it seemed even before then he was interested in clockwork creations. How very much like him. It made you so… You wiped away your tears. The pendant in question seemed to be a music box of sorts. But not wanting to accidently awaken anyone, you instead placed it into your pocket.

With the most difficult part of your plan accomplished, you then made your way to Freminet’s room. After silently sneaking your way in, you gently shook him awake. While it took a few moments for him to gather his bearings, he froze when his vision finally cleared to see you. But before he could speak, you pressed your finger against your lips to quiet him. Then, after standing, you held your hand out for him to take.

The sun was barely beginning to peak over the horizon when you finally made your way to the sea. Though you could feel his confusion as you dragged him along, you kept quiet. It was only when you reached the docks that you finally allowed yourself to turn your gaze to him in full, ready to put an end to this. But when you saw him looking at you with those beautiful eyes of his, you found yourself unable to speak. After all, what was there to say?

“I… here.” You finally got out as you pushed the bundle in your arms to his chest. “I’m sorry for avoiding you. I’m sorry for keeping quiet. And… I’m sorry this took so long. It’s your seal skin. I heard the Director took it from you when you first entered the House, so I stole it back. You’re a selkie, right? With it, you can… you can go home.”

Suddenly remembered the pendant, you reached into your pocket and placed it into his hand. “I forgot. I found this too. It’s yours, right?”

You avoided his gaze as you spoke, subconsciously wrapping your arms around yourself at the end. Your fingers dug into your skin as anticipation slithered up your veins. Up until this point, nothing exactly felt real. Now that it was here, there was something you needed to do, something you needed to say, but no matter how much you tried to bid the words to your lips, only silence came out. Was it fear that you were feeling? Or was it regret? What could you say to make him–

“Freminet, I–”

But when your eyes finally shot out to him, mouth open to speak, you were immediately rendered silent by the look upon his face. With widened eyes, his mouth hung open as stared at the pendant. Ever so gently, his fingers brushed against the cogs and gears as his breath was caught in his chest. Words could not describe the myriad of emotions that passed through his expression—nostalgia, love, longing, pain, regret. And when his eyes fell upon his seal coat, his shoulders shook as he pulled the bundle close to his chest, tears overflowing. With that, you immediately knew you lost your chance.

Reaching out to him, you put your hand gently on his shoulder and forced yourself to say the words he needed to hear, “Freminet, I’ve said this before, but you don’t belong here. You never did. You belong out there in the ocean. That’s where your home is. Go away from here. Get as far away as you can. If you want to do anything for me, you’ll leave and never turn back. Never return. I want you to be happy for me, okay?”

When his shoulders began to shake, you felt your eyes fill with tears. Unable to bear it any longer, you turned away. But after taking a few steps forward, you paused.

“Goodbye, Freminet.”

With that, you walked away. As you strolled back to the House, though your chest ached even more, a small smile came to your lips. After all, you did a good job, didn’t you? You properly gave him his seal skin and encouraged him to return home. You didn’t beg him to stay. Sure, you didn’t see him off, but still, you did everything else properly. Now he was free to live life as he wanted. He would not be tied to the House anymore.

You had nothing to say as you entered the House and saw some of your siblings eating at the table. Nor did you react when a few instructors walked past you on your way to your room. And when you opened the door to your room, you ignored the random tools upon the floor and first aid kit sitting upon your desk. You didn’t bother with the abandoned clockwork penguin to the side. You simply crawled into your bed and tightly wrapped yourself in a blanket.

Was this what it felt like to be alone?

—

You awoke to the sound of a loud bang against your door. Jumping out of bed, you materialized your spear as you wiped aggressively at your swollen eyes and tear-stained cheeks. The light of the setting sun peacefully streaming in from the window betrayed the ruckus coming from the House. Yelling and crashing could be heard down below, as well as cries from the younger ones.

Turning the knob of your bedroom door, you gasped as it swung open with the weight of someone leaning against it. Inwards one of your siblings fell as he clutched a bleeding wound at his abdomen. Gasping, you pulled him inside. He, however, did not seem to be concerned with his physical state. Instead, a wild grin was upon his lips. Grasping the lapels of your coat, he pulled you close.

“First, Mother is dead.” He laughed, coughing up blood. “That bitch is finally dead. Once we kill the other bastards, we’ll finally be–” He coughed again, this time with more blood from before prompting you to shush him.

After scrambling for the first aid kit, you lifted his shirt and examined the wound. He was stabbed by a sword. But before you could render first aid, another one of your siblings rushed in and closed the door behind her. Waving her over, you placed the first aid kit into her hands.

“Heloir, stay here and take care of Chapleau. Lock the door behind me when I leave. I’ll go check on everyone else. Stay safe, okay?”

After patting her head, you stood and exited your room. In comparison to the noise when you were awakened just minutes before, the House was eerily silent if not for the sound of whimpers and sobs down below. Making your way down the steps with your spear held out, the sight before at the bottom you told the answer why.

Bodies littered the ground of both orphan and instructor alike. Some of the younger ones could be seen crying as they did their best to render first aid to the group of older ones that were still alive. You swallowed as you took a step into the common room. Before, “Mother” forbade the killing of the orphans by the instructors. Had that all changed now that she was gone?

“So there’s one left,” came a snort behind you. Spinning around, you brandished your spear against the two instructors that walked out into the open. Though their clothes were torn in a few places, they were shockingly unscathed compared to the rest. The blood that was dripping from their swords implied what took place moments before. It seemed they couldn’t be in higher spirits. You gritted your teeth.

“Indeed. And there’s two left of you. You know, hiding to take over at the very end is a coward’s move,” you taunted with a grin.

They laughed brazenly.

“And what of you? You’re no different than us. All of you only want what Crucabena left behind.” The first one sneered.

Disgust filled your stomach. How repulsive. Was that all the orphans were to them? Someone to lord their rule over?

“Are you kidding me?” You asked in disbelief. “The only thing… The only thing we ever wanted was to be free!”

With that, you charged the instructors. Aiming towards the one closest to you, you swung your spear forward to which he deflected with a grin. Not letting that stop you, you charged forward and struck again and again, aiming to push him back. Not forgetting about his companion, however, you made sure to spin out of the way when she attacked from behind. Using your spear as leverage, you kicked her in the stomach, sending her careening back into a chair. However distracted for just that moment, the man nearly stabbed you in the gut, slicing through your coat instead.

It was a losing battle, you knew it well. Though the woman was slowly catching her breath, it wouldn’t be long before she made it back to her feet. Though you could fight, it definitely could not be said that you were the strongest child of the House. It wouldn’t be long before they overpowered you. The instructors were once orphans too, after all, trained under the watchful eye of “Mother” herself.

As you swung your spear forward to the one still on his feet, you couldn’t help but feel if not a bit of relief. You knew you would be facing death either way. Had Crucabena won, she would have killed you once she found Freminet gone. And had she lost, you certainly wouldn’t be able to hold your own against the instructors. But regardless, you still won. Though the House would deem you one of its victims, at least you saved the person that mattered the most. You could live with that.

So when you stabbed the man in the chest after he fell over the body of one of his comrades, you didn’t mind as you felt the sword from the woman slice you through from the side. Collapsing to your knees, your spear clattered to the floor as you clasped your hand over the wound. There was a wild look in the woman’s eyes as she yelled at you, but you couldn’t quite catch what she was saying. Was the man someone that mattered to her? You couldn’t help but laugh. After all they did to the children, what gave them the right to be so upset? And even more, what could she do to you?

But as she lifted her sword to inflict her final blow, she suddenly collapsed, falling to the ground before you in a crumpled heap. And when you looked up to see the culprit, it was the very person you expected last.

“Freminet…?”

His claymore dropped to the ground as he fell to his knees before you. Upon his face was an uncharacteristically furious expression as he used a knife to cut away pieces of your coat and shirt.

“Freminet, what are you–”

“First, please stop speaking.” His voice cracked as he spoke, and before long, tears began falling down his cheeks. But why was he crying? Did you cause that? And for that matter, why was he back? But as much as confusion bubbled within you, you obeyed his command and remained quiet. After patching you up with the first aid kit he ran to get from your room, he then helped you walk up the stairs and laid you in his bed.

“Stay here. I need to help everyone else.”

With that, he left you alone. As the sound of footsteps and talking began to travel from below, there you laid staring at the ceiling if not a bit confused. In the back of your mind, you were curious if this was all a dream. Why else would Freminet be back? He left, didn’t he? But if that was the case, how in the world were you lying in his room patched up? Unless the Hydro Archon wished you to die in peace, so she sent a happy memory before your last moments were up and now you were in purgatory.

And so your thoughts went as twilight began to progress into night. Even when a Fatui doctor came in and administered first aid, injecting you with a drug that made your eyes slide shut, you still didn’t quite believe it. And as your consciousness faded, you couldn’t help but be satisfied with this last dream given to you.

At least that’s what you thought until a throbbing sensation in your abdomen cut through the silence. It was not a sensation foreign to you. You were injured many times in the past during various missions. You knew the feeling that came about when the anesthetics were beginning to wear off. But… pain didn’t exist in dreams, right? So as you took a few moments to remember how you managed to get here in the first place—the revolt at the House, the face off with the instructors, then–

You immediately shot up into a seated position. Though the stitches upon your side nearly tore at the sudden movement, you couldn’t bring yourself to care. You were currently back in your room at the House, but the light of the morning sun was streaming through your window. How much time had passed since you fell asleep? Was it all over? And Freminet? Why did he come back? Was he alright? Was he–

Suddenly the door opened, causing you to jump. Rushing to your bedside was Helnoir, eyes wide in alarm.

“First, the doctors said you shouldn’t be sitting up this early! You should be resting!” She exclaimed as she pushed you back. Though your strength was meager, you did your best to resist.

“Now’s not the time for that!” You demanded. “What happened? What’s going on?”

With a grim face, she recounted all that happened the past day and a half. After it was announced that Crucabena was taken out, a revolt took place within the House between the older orphans and the instructors. Once the revolt came to an end, all eight instructors and four orphans were killed, while 14 orphans remained injured. The Fatui arrived a few hours later not expecting a bloodbath to have occurred, but quickly took charge. Apparently they were called to secure the House until another director was put in place, but arrived too late. But that wasn’t all you needed to know.

“And Freminet?” You asked hesitantly. “Is he… Is he really…?”

Helnoir paused in thought. “He’s helping out with the other kids right now. Do you want to talk to him? I can grab him if he’s free.”

Though your chest tightened at the thought of seeing him, you nodded. If you had to be honest, you didn’t know how you felt about all of this. After all you did, after all you went through, he came back. You couldn’t wrap your mind around it. He had everything. He had the whole world before him, so why did he willingly walk back into hell? Were you furious? Panicked? Despaired? You couldn’t tell. Only seeing him would make sense of the storm going through your head.

But even after Helnoir left, Freminet didn’t come. Nor did he come the following days after. Then it occurred to you. When Freminet saved you from the instructor, he looked upset as he patched you up. He didn’t even want you to speak to him. But shouldn’t you be the one that was angry? What did you do that made him so upset? But if he was still upset, was that the reason why he wasn’t coming to see you?

So as you spent your days laying in bed recuperating, an uncomfortable sensation settled in your gut, the same one that came when you first refused to tell him your plans. It swished this way and that and only grew worse the more days that passed. That with the ache ever so present in your chest made you unable to eat much and you weren’t really sure you wanted to see him anymore. As upset as you were with him, what was the point in how you felt if you couldn’t receive his forgiveness?

So when you were finally cleared to leave your bed, it wasn’t to Freminet’s side that you went. Instead, far from it. Deep you delved into assisting the Fatui with various tasks like paperwork, missions, and the like. There was a lot to be done now that Crucabena and the instructors were gone, and you liked it like that. It kept your mind off of thinking and worrying. Even when some of the orphans would mention to you that Freminet wished to meet with you, you refused every time. It seemed that he was finally ready to see you, but you were not.

In the back of your mind, you knew how pathetic you were being. Never were you the type to give into fear, but the thought of speaking to him… It threw your stomach into knots. Not only did you make him sad and upset, but you also had no clue why he decided to return… or if he planned to stay. And that was the real crux of the issue, wasn’t it? He may have returned for a bit, perhaps due to some loose threads, but he had so much more for him waiting out there, more than what was here.

But wasn’t that a good thing? Wasn’t that what you wanted? For him to leave? Sure, the issues with the House may have been settled with the arrival of the higher ups in the Fatui, but that still didn’t mean all of its problems were solved. They were still waiting to see who would be appointed to take Crucabena’s place and if that person would be worse than her. No matter how much you thought about it, you couldn’t think up a single reason why he would stay.

As you sat at the foot of your bed in thought, you sighed. Flopping back, upon your bed, you rested an arm over your eyes. What a pain in the butt you were being. Absolutely pathetic. Since when were you ever such a sniveling coward, afraid of Freminet of all people? Whatever worries or fears you had, it wasn’t doing you any good avoiding them. So that meant you had to face them. Yes, you would have to speak to Freminet.

Standing up, you made your way out your room and down the steps. Not catching the familiar ashy blonde in sight, you waved down the nearest orphan.

“Foltz, do you know where Freminet is?”

He hummed in thought.

“I heard him saying he had to go somewhere. He had something in his hands too, but I didn’t catch what it was. Some kind of carpet, I think?”

His last words froze you still.

“A-A…” Your breath became short. Taking his shoulders, you looked deep into his eyes. “When did you see him leave? Be as specific as you can. Please, I need to know.”

Foltz, now a bit worried by your demeanor, squirmed as he hurried through his memories.

“Um, I don’t know. Maybe a few hours ago…?”

You were out of the door by the moment the last word left his lips. As you dashed to the beach, your heart thudded in your chest. If only you didn’t avoid him. If only you agreed to see him when he asked for you, then you would have… you… You soon came to a stop.

This… This was a good thing. It was a good thing that he took his seal skin with him. This was what you wanted. This was what you’d been planning for. You wanted to laugh. Why did you have to keep telling yourself that? What made you keep forgetting your goals so easily? Besides, no doubt Freminet fulfilled all his remaining wishes. He had no reason to stay any longer. The world was his oyster and it was about time he took it.

Yes, this was… Your hands balled into fists as the ache in your chest became even more pronounced. Him leaving was a good thing. He had no reason to stay, least of all for… for you. Even if you asked, he certainly wouldn’t…

You sighed.

Still, you supposed it wouldn’t hurt going to the beach just one more time. It had been a while since you went and you were missing the scent of the salt air. Besides, you were already over halfway there as well. It wouldn’t make any sense going back. And with the sun just starting its descent, the sight would no doubt be a welcome one after such a stressful past few weeks.

So when you finally made it to the beach, you definitely did not look around for an ashy blonde mop of hair. And when you walked upon the sand, you did not gaze at the horizon for five minutes, ten minutes, even longer waiting. But when you finally made your way to the shoreline and felt the gentle waves lap against your feet, you finally had to admit it. You bit your lip as your eyes fluttered shut.

He was gone–

“First?”

The sound of that familiar voice dried up any tears as you looked up in shock. There, waist deep in the water, was Freminet. His eyes were wide as he looked upon you, no doubt just as surprised as you were. And in his hands was not what you expected to see, but a diving helmet. Was he simply swimming for the past few hours? And if so, why not with his seal skin? But more importantly…

“Why… are you still here?”

The words came unbidden from your lips before you could stop them. But still, you couldn’t stop the confusion from welling up within you.

“I… I gave you everything you needed,” you began with a disbelieving laugh. “I set everything up perfectly. You had no reason to stay. There’s nothing left for you here. So why–”

“Why… do you keep treating me like that?”

His words brought you to a pause.

“What do you mean?”

Though he was looking away, upon his face was the same furious expression he showed you when he found you on your knees bleeding out from your side.

“Why do you treat me as if I don’t know any better? Like I can’t decide things for myself?” Tears began to drip down his cheeks. “You… always decide things for me without ever listening to what I have to say. I just… How could you ask me that? Why I’m still here?” After a moment of gathering his composure, he then finally looked at you, hurt and anger clear in his expression.

“Did you think I wouldn’t know, First? That Mother would have had you killed had she found out what you did? Didn’t you think about how I would have felt if that happened? If I didn’t come when I did, you… you would have…”

He had to pause as a sob ripped through his throat.

“I’m not a child, First. I knew everything that was going on. I knew about the planned revolt. Didn’t… Didn’t you think we could have worked out something together? That we couldn’t have protected each other? Is that how unreliable I am to you?” His head then dropped as his voice cracked. “Is that why you keep trying to get rid of me?”

Panic jolted through your system as you reached out to him hesitantly. You did this. You made him upset with you. You caused him to cry. You had to fix it.

“N-No, I… I was just…”

But he didn’t want to hear it.

“You told me to go home, but where is my home if not with you?”

You squirmed as your breath grew short.

“B-But–”

He then looked into your eyes, pain evident between the falling tears.

“Don’t you want me?”

That did it. Before you knew it, hot tears began to roll down your cheeks. And when you parted your lips, a pathetic hiccup erupted. Your chest heaved with every short breath you took. Why didn’t he get it? Wasn’t it obvious? Everything you were doing you did for him. Why did he have to put you on the spot like that? Didn’t he realize it was already difficult enough letting him go?

“I… I was just trying to do the right thing,” you finally got out between sniffles and sobs.

And that’s what it boiled down to, didn’t it? That was the truth. Regardless of how you felt, regardless of any damage to you, all you wanted was to keep him safe. To give him a way home. Wasn’t that all that mattered?

As you scrambled wildly to defend yourself, excuses continued to pour from your lips. “My mother always told me that selkies were creatures of the sea. They don’t belong on land. And with everything that was going to happen in the House, I just… I wanted you to be happy.”

Your head dropped as you wiped furiously at your tears. Guilt clawed its way up your chest, aiming to pull you into the depths. You always thought you were doing the right thing, but was this how you were making him feel instead? Though a part of you still argued that he simply did not know what was best for him, you could no longer deny the truth. That was not your decision to make. It never was yours to make.

As you felt yourself collapse into yourself, cold hands soon pulled away your hands hiding your face prompting you to look up. Though tears still fell from his cheeks, he was not furious anymore. Instead, upon his lips an exasperated smile as he let out a watery laugh. He leaned in, resting his forehead against yours.

“But I’m happiest with you.”

It was such a simple thing to say, but the way those words cradled you in warmth broke something within you. Suddenly that tension and ache you felt in your chest released at that very moment as a new wave of tears flooded your eyes. You knew he really shouldn’t feel that way, that there was nothing to gain from staying by your side. For his sake, you didn’t want him to stay. And yet, deep down, he said the very words you had longed to tell him for such a long time.

“I… I didn’t want you to leave,” you finally got out. You could no longer stop the words of truth pouring from your lips. “Those days away from you were so lonely. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I-I just wanted…”

He then pulled you to his chest and wrapped his arms around you.

“It’s okay, First. I know. It’s okay.”

It took a while for the both of your sniffles and sobs to simmer down. By the end of it, the front of your clothes were soaked from hugging him so tightly within the water. And now as you sat gazing at the sunset, eyes swollen and holding his hand upon the sand, there was a certain lightness in your chest that you hadn’t felt for a long time.

“Foltz said you took your seal skin with you when you came here, but where is it?” You asked, awkwardly doing your best to make conversation after crying before him so openly.

“O-Oh, that? I brought it and stored it in a chest at our place in the ocean. I… thought it would be the safest there.”

The way he said it so simply jolted you back slightly in surprise.

“You’re storing it? Have you not used it once since I gave it to you?”

He shook his head with a hesitant smile.

“When you gave it to me, it was the first time I heard the sea calling out to me so loudly. I… I wanted to go so badly. It was like every part of me was being pulled to the sea. If I didn’t think of you, I probably would have left,” he admitted hesitantly. “Whenever I’m near it, the desire grows stronger.”

You frowned upon hearing that.

“You don’t need to stay for me. If you left, I… I would miss you, but I wouldn’t blame you for it. Selkies are creatures of the sea, after all.”

He looked down upon the sand as he bit his lip trying to find the words to respond.

“I… don’t doubt that I would be happy there for a time. I always feel most at home in the water. But…” He then looked up at you. “That’s only when you’re by my side. If going to the ocean means giving up you, it’s not worth it. The place I belong is with you.”

Feeling a new wave of tears come on, you glanced away.

“Stop it! You already made me cry enough today. You’re beginning to make me think I’m just as much of a crybaby as you are,” you grumbled before standing. “Everyone at the House is probably wondering where we are. Let’s go before they come looking.”

Laughing softly to himself, Freminet stood and began to follow you. But before he got far, a soundless voice called out to him. Turning behind, there was the sea with its gentle crashing waves lit up with the wondrous red and yellow hues of the sunset. As always, there it beckoned him—sweetly, lovingly, achingly. How it longed to be reunited. But in return, he gave it a simple and kind smile. That’s all he would give. Then he turned away from the ocean, away from its gentle call, and made his way back to you.

#genshin impact #genshin x reader #freminet #freminet x reader #my writing #this is the most amount of grueling effort i have ever put into a fic #was it good meaningful effort?#no it was more ‘omg when will this fic end’ effort #but effort nonetheless #i’ve been staring at this way too long and honestly can’t tell you if it’s good but…. i really did my best haha #don’t ask me why i would wrote 11k words for a character like freminet #maybe it’s because i think he’s cute #maybe it’s because i hate myself #i forgot to add #this story is inspired by 'the scorpio races' by maggie stiefvater

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