#maybe ill post into the void here randomly

[fotiathymos]

i went back on ebay again to collect rilakkumas but went looking for promare stuff and saw the big sleeping munyu galo plush for only $60 and the TEMPTATION WAS BIG

[jupitercl0uds]

hi! i'm ash

they/them/xe/xem • panromantic • asexual • non binary • autistic (with suspicions of having adhd) • english • atheist quaker • a tad bit silly

been on the tumbler since 2021 so i know my way around here but i dont get every little reference (i get most and for the ones i dont i just nod and smile along). i am still a teenager so some Classic Posts are older than me and most are from when i was in primary school.

i dont really have a sophisticated tagging system, but if it helps, spouting to the void is my text post tag. i dont even strictly use it for text posts tbf

blogs i run:

this one (obviously)

@blues-amazing-blog - oc blog (currently on hiatus)

@wswe-autism-fic - fanfic blog (for waluigi says 'wa' everyday until dekuyama is popular). i also treat this as an alt account for fandom stuff sometimes

@knuckles-with-a-keyboard - silly little blog where i pretend to be boom!knuckles (i really really love this blog its so fun)

@jupitercl0uds-art - my art blog (shock horror)

@nonbinary-sticks-the-badger - my sonic blog

external links (whoops forgot to add this)

maybe one day ill set up a linktree idk

ao3

letterboxd

twitter (i only use this for posting from my switch now)

spotify profile

email me - jupitercl0uds.burner@gmail.com

dm me on discord: jupitercl0uds

i think thats it

click this link for more external links including some of the above ones but specifically how to contact me if i cant use tumblr

interests:

omg i love so many things its not even funny. a few important ones are waluigi (special interest), sonic the hedgehog (special interest AND hyperfixation (omg please kill me)), art (like, as a general thing, but particularly visual) and you WILL find me randomly posting oh-so-passionately about something ive never even mentioned before.

i do animation and illustration but that's over on my art blog. also all my animations are WIPs. you probably won't find anything other than a few weird lip syncs from when i was like 11 (i got into animation because of gacha life and animation memes). most of my art is sonic atm lol.

i also read and write fanfic! my wattpad and ao3 is jupitercl0uds :D

wattpad is mostly old stuff, crack and occasional reposts of my ao3 stuff. ao3 is mostly whatever is on my mind at the moment and WSWE.

misc

occasionally i get all heated up about actually important stuff. that's usually sandwiched inbetween my regular goofy goober behaviour. for the basic gist of it: very left wing, the tories are cunts, vote green, free palestine. you also need to understand the weight of that sentence because i hate swearing.

i have other socials too but i dont really use them that much. got bored of twitter and i forget about all my other accounts. only ones i use now are whatsapp (lmao), tumblr and i guess ao3 and wattpad. theres no real point in linking something i havent used in months

anyway, have a nice day and please go to bed on time!

faves (non-exhaustive)

AUTISM BOY!!!! ANXIETY GUY!!!! MILES 'TAILS' PROWER!!!! he's been my favourite sonic character since i was little!!!! except for that brief period where it was amy because i found out tails was a boy and i, as a 7-year-old girl who had just learned about misoginy, decided amy was better because she was a girl. and that briefer period where it was cream because she had confetti in sonic dash.

my favourite iterations of him are scu tails, classic tails and sonic boom tails!!! i h/c him as autistic, having anxiety, low self-esteem but also being really cheerful and nonchalant about a lot of stuff. i enjoy trans tails of all kinds, but i believe in cis gnc tails.

NON-BINARY ICON!!!! TOP SURGERY GUY!!!! WALUIGI!!!! call me thomas jefferson cause i have an entire binder on this guy. waluigi is THE blorbo from my spin-off-party-shows. i got into him because 'hahahaha! it is the funny garlic man's funny rose partner!' and that became 'they could marry me and i'd say yes on the basis that we'd get to see each other everyday, even if i only love him as a friend.

im very passionately hateful about 'hot' waluigi. shut up. waluigi is perfect. i hope he can be canon one day <3 i h/c him as autistic, transmasc non binary and really into gothic lolita. i interpret their relationship with wario as romantic partners and waluigi being super super poor. also, wlw mlm solidarity with rosalina!!!!!

anti-faves

dr starline i love a bisexual icon as much as the next person but starline is not it. i want him to Suffer. which is why i then go on to make loads of fanart of him where he's crying over something. in the one shown above, i have just kicked him in the balls (full image). i also would love to be a VA for him because that'd really piss him off. good style tho. you go girl.

manjimutt (sorry but i only have 1 image of him)

hello to the other living yokai watch fan out there. i hate manjimutt. when i was younger i felt sorry for him, cause i was like 'oh, poor guy, always going to jail!!!' no. die. i do not like him. i hate manjimutt. i do like saying his name tho. MAnji-mutt! i think i hate him more than starline, because at least starline has redeeming qualities. the only redeeming qualities manjimutt has is pity because hes not actually committing crimes. thats it. hes not a nice person. hes just a guy. hit him with a wooden plank (har har).

that poor poor poodle though

posts i like

idk posts on my own blog i like a lot. idk if thisll be A Thing because im literally only doing tthis because of the first post on the list

recognising a url and the chaos that followed

stuff about my lgbtq+ identity idk

THIS IS HOW MUCH I KNOW ABOUT SONIC OK!!!!!

can you call me that slur?

[astranite]

vent post because I am a mess and i've just got to stick it all somewhere. I don't even know what or why I'm putting it here. Just there is way too much inside my head.

(trying to stick all of my intensely personal bullshit under a cut)

Just a whole pile of stuff. (this isnt even the half of it). A whole bunch of things I thought i was okay about but maybe I'm really not. And that maybe my whole scale of okayness is kinda fucked up. And i seem to randomly swing from telling myself this is fine to no wait its all pretty fucked up. Basically that meme of the dog in the on fire house going this is fine. Welcome to everything is on fire but we're not freaking out about it because we're past that point. But sometimes it feels honestly okay and then something else hits.

Nothing in my life is even that bad. I'm getting my shit together. Its probably better than it has been in a while (or maybe its not, i dont know). I'm making positive progress towards the future. I drafted a job application. I'm trying to unfuck my tertiary studies. I literally keep telling myself I'm an adult, even though I feel like a fuck up kid still.

I just want to move the hell out. So I'm making steps towards it. Not because its bad, bad. More conflicting access needs I guess. And I feel trapped here and on guard and responsible for everything. Or Im just a problem or have problems because clearly everyone else is fine but that's probably not a great way to think.

Not sure what I'm feeling right now. Actually mostly just numb and vaguely ill. Yay for crushing down all your emotions until you can't feel them any more. Because, yeah, I can't be upset about things. It scares and worries people and I'm already way too intense.

And when I do it, i seem calm and fine to people, and hey neither crying nor panicking has be a good thing. Except I'm blank when I know I'm upset or would be, and its not fine. Honestly probably a bit messed up. Huh.

(I know its not good for me. I am so very aware of this) (i know hiding stuff is literally one of my biggest 'things are getting bad' red flags)

I'd probably be way more okay if I was crying and yelling and getting mad about stuff. Instead of just quietly, calmly imploding. Or walking around and smiling and acting normal. (its only sometimes, not all the time. And just happens to be right now)

Also past shit keeps metaphorically walking up to me, and maybe I didn't process it great. because its evidently still bothering me even though its years ago.

(Yes, realising some of this stuff was a That moment when you're writing and you realise that wow character has a whole bunch of issues. Then that was at least 50-70% me.)

I do keep picking myself up from the floor over and over because I'm too stubborn not to.

Also: I'm so sick of being misgendered by family. Like they do support me and are trying with different pronouns. But getting it right barely any of the time. And if I call them out on it to correct them, then they get upset. So I just have to put up with it silently, and yeah, she's trying, so I feel like I can't be upset about it but it still hurts, and maybe its not good enough. And I don't even know whether I could change my name, at least not without upsetting peopl, I've been told "please don't change you name, I like your name" but I don't even know if it feels like me. It's like people are supportive, but being nonbinary or trans or anything isn't actually a valid option. They/them isn't that hard if you practice it and even if it is it's still very much important to me. And none of them think of me as such which is maybe the problem. Except my friends, who actually do get it right which is nice.

I guess I'm struggling. And also all my friends and family have way too much of their own stuff going on.

So stupid vent post yelling into the void, it is then. Maybe I'm just being dramatic about it all.

I'd say I'm okay and don't worry (if anyone's even fucking reading this) but that would probably be more concerning. But I'll survive this like I survived every other fucking thing the universe has thrown at me.

(and I will and have asked for help, so stuff is at least sort of getting sorted, because this is not my first mental health rodeo.)

[haildoodles-writing]

endless

ONESHOT

Pairing: Connor x reader

Summary: You suffer with chronic pain — and today isn’t a good day. But Connor is there, as he always is.

Warnings: chronic illness, slight angst that turns into tooth-rotting fluff

A/N: Outside of readers having anxiety and/or depression, I haven’t seen a lot of D:BH Connor fics with a reader that has any other prominent health issues. This was created to bring more inclusion and awareness into the life of someone with lifelong nerve pain. The exact chronic illness depicted here is Fibromyalgia— my version of it, at least, as the symptoms, types of pain, and coping methods do vary from person to person. This oneshot was based on my own experiences living with it.

Dedicated to @thirium-bae, @moonlit-void-to-the-far-unknown, @queefsofsilence, and many others who supported me in writing and posting this fic.

* * *

It was a bad day— a bad evening, to be more precise.

Occasionally this happened. Your nerve pain was sporadic, coming on too quickly and too randomly to decipher a proper pattern. Some days you were bedridden; other days you could deal with it and push through work. Sometimes the pain was direct and sharp, other times it felt like a body-wide ache. And on the worst days, even Connor’s hugs and rubbing and squeezes all weren’t enough to dull the pain. 

Either way, you knew Connor hated it. You knew that he always had, ever since you first told him about it.

Not only did he hate the fact that you had so many health issues the he couldn’t always help, he hated the fact that it was always so random. He couldn’t estimate a common time for when you would wake suddenly, crying into his arms. He couldn’t decipher exactly how you felt, as it was never the same. He couldn’t enter your problems into his systems and find a way to fix you, and it killed him. And the way he would sometimes hold himself responsible killed you, too.

That evening, Connor had called you after his shift at the DCPD. He had offered to pick you up and go to Jimmy’s Bar with him to celebrate Hank’s birthday — everyone at the precinct would be there. You didn’t have the heart to tell him that you were currently in the bath, curled up and speaking to him through the phone that was teetering on the edge of the tub. The pain today wasn’t exactly bad; it was more of an aching and uncomfortable nuisance than anything. Still, though, the prescriptions from this morning didn’t do much. You figured that maybe the muscle relaxer salts would.

“. . . Love?”

You hadn’t realized you had zoned out and straightened, water falling from your back. The bruises that you knew weren’t there ached. “Yeah, sorry. Got distracted for a second.” You breathed, wondering how to tell him—

“Sick day?” he asked, ever so gently.

As if he could read your vitals and scan you through the phone, he knew how you felt. A smile tugged at your lips, despite how thick your throat suddenly became.

“Yeah.”

You heard him pause at the other end and could feel the breath he drew in your own chest. You could almost see his LED swirling yellow, watching him walk to a private corridor to drown out the noise. His hand likely itching to pull out his coin and fiddle with it.

“On the scale?” Connor eventually asked, his voice even lower and softer than before.

It was your thing: ever since you told him, ever since you sat him down and explained to him why you were “sick” every so often, the two of you developed a scale to rate the pain. One on the best day, ten on the worst. It was Connor’s own way to understand how you were feeling and to support you accordingly — still, you felt like a hindrance. But he would kiss you and show you just how much he loved you until you realized you weren’t, and the feeling would quickly fade.

You ached to the bone — but it wasn’t as bad as other occasions, right? “. . . Six,” you eventually decided. Six was probably accurate.

Connor breathed deeply again. “I wish I could help, my love.”

Despite his melancholy tone, you smiled anyways. “You always do, Con.” And it’s true — he always did. He loved you and you loved him, and that was enough.

A shuffle and a male screech in the background (likely Gavin), and Connor eventually spoke. “I’m leaving at the moment, but we’ll talk when I reach the cab, alright?”

You nodded — and then chuckled when you realized he couldn’t see you. “I love you,” you whispered.

“I love you,” and by the sweetness in his voice when he spoke, you always knew he meant it.

The line cut off, and you were stuck staring at the picture of the two of you from a few months ago: Your first anniversary. A heavy thump came from your chest and you grinned despite yourself.

Eventually, though, even the water grew uncomfortable. You ended up slowly standing from the bath, releasing your still-dry hair from its bun, and grabbing the nearest bathrobe. You had all but managed to drop onto your bed before the front door beeped, its security codes being entered in. Another click, a handful of footsteps, and then your husband was standing in the doorway.

He was in his dress shirt, shoes, and slacks from work — a habit he never managed to drop from before his deviancy. But he had grown his hair slightly and changed its texture years ago— he told you he liked it better that way — so now loose waves grazed his forehead. That single stubborn strand still remained prominent in his hair, however. Despite how often you run your hands through it.

At your soft smile, he took the invitation and sat beside you, pocketing his coin and raising your legs to rest them on top of his. You managed to lean forward slowly and steal a few kisses before your back began its insistent aching again.

“You didn’t call me in the cab,” you chided, the smile still tugging at your lips.

Connor tilted his head in the way he knew made you blush every time — every time — and winked. “Forgive me, my love. I had to make a few arrangements on the way home.” A stray hand rubbed up and down your calf and thigh, focusing on the places he knew were commonly painful.

“Arrangements?” You raised a brow.

You adjusted your position, moving your legs to fall off the bed — they began to hurt too much to be touched, despite how much you wanted them to. Instead, you opted to lean against him, raising a hand to trace his LED. Connor’s fingers then began to rub the length of your spine, and you nearly preened in relief.

“We’re staying in tonight,” he replied nonchalantly, pulling his synthetic skin back from the hand clasping yours and fiddling with the band on your finger. You nearly spoke up to refuse him staying — this was his father’s birthday after all — but he silenced you with a look.

“You never go higher than a five unless its debilitating,” he whispered. And then he raised his head to match your gaze and take you in — body and soul, in a way that made you warm all over again — and you froze.

Sometimes it marveled you how much he could love you. How deep within his lines of code and limitless intelligence and desire to solve every problem he touched, he chose you. Not just your best days and not just your worst, but you. All of you. And in return, you chose all of him. In his bad moments, when he would get too stuck inside his own head and nearly choke on his own guilt and fear, you were there to relieve him. You always would be.

You kissed the nearest patch of skin you could find, pressing your lips against the juncture between Connor’s neck and shoulder. If he noticed your watery eyes, he didn’t mention it.

“Hank will have his hands full with both the entire precinct and Collin and Nines celebrating with him,” he said. “I sent him our well-wishes in the cab. Besides, we can just stop by in the morning.”

You laughed. “He’ll be hungover, though.”

“But hungover Hank is better than drunk Hank, yes?”

“You’re not wrong,” you admitted. Connor smiled at that— a genuine, heart wrenching smile that made your chest burst all over again.

The two of you then sat there for a few minutes in silence, breathing each other in as he rubbed in between your shoulder blades. It was one of your favorite parts of the day, if you had to choose: when you were together, chests rising in sync and limbs intertwined and heads leaning against each other. It made you feel whole.

When you relaxed enough from his touch, he stood from the bed with you in his arms and headed for the doorway. You yelped in protest as the bathrobe began to slip from your shoulder, but Connor merely winked cheekily and continued on.

“Movie night?” he suggested, his signature puppy-dog look creeping onto his face. Trying to distract you, no doubt, to keep you from lifting the robe to cover your exposed shoulder.

But you laughed again and buried your face against his neck instead, listening to his thyrium heart pump. “Deal.”

And despite the fact that your body was throbbing and crumbling at the edges, he didn’t hesitate to kiss you senseless and love you so wholeheartedly that everything else became secondary.

And as he eventually fell into stasis later that night and held you so closely from his side of the bed, you took him in fully. You traced the freckles on his cheeks and the metal plates on his skin-absent palms, and it was then that you promised yourself that you would never cease loving him.  Never.

Until you were the dust of the earth and floated from place to place, you swore to yourself that you would love Connor endlessly.

[ruffiorocks]

Kelly Olsen and Kara’s secret

Sooo i’ve been thinking about what the character of Kelly Olsen is going to bring to Supergirl. All we know so far is she’s James’ sister, has a large heart and joined the military in order to pay for medical school. Having recently been discharged, she is now finishing her training to become a psychiatrist. (from IMDb) 

So a lot of people are speculating that she will be Alex’s new love interest. I mean that does make a lot of sense, both soldiers/ex soldiers, both have large hearts, both have medical training and both will no doubt come into contact due to their connection to James. 

I have no issue with that scenario, it would be nice to see Alex with a girlfriend again. Having some actual representation rather that just the character saying she’s gay and that being the end of that. Plus Alex deserves to have some romance in her life again. I will say however, that i would have liked to have seen Alex have a girlfriend outside of any Super friends connection.  

One thing that is nagging at me though, is Alex will eventually get her memories back, and if she is in a relationship with Kelly will that lead to Kelly being the next in a ridiculous long line of random people who know who Kara is? If Kelly is a soldier, James’ sister and in a relationship with Alex she may have some suspicions about Kara and may put two and two together. Or James may take his season one attitude like with Lucy and ask Kara if he can reveal the Super sect to his sister. He was totally fine with wanting Lucy to know because well Lucy was sick of him running off to join Supergirl and was probably jealous. There was no question (that i remember) of it being considered dangerous for her to know. She was a soldier after all and Kara needed her help to save Alex and Jonn. Kelly is a soldier (ex soldier) and will probably have an inquiring mind. 

I swear to RAO if Kelly Olsen finds out that Kara is Supergirl before Lena does i will flip my wig! Kara’s excuse of it being to dangerous just doesn't cut it anymore since EVERYONE knows now! She’s even telling people she’s known for 5 minutes because she felt empathy with them. Before anymore flips out i LOVE Nia! But Kara was far to ready to give up her secret to her. Know who else she has felt empathy for and has known for years and is her ‘so called’ best friend and has proven to be a valuable member of the team, but only when she is needed? LENA! 

One other reason i have a feeling Kelly will find out if she becomes Alex’s girlfriend (post Alex getting her memory back) is because i realized every member of the Super friends and their significant others have at some point found out or been privy to Kara’s secret! All except Adam, but he doesn't really qualify as an ex since he and Kara only went on one date (kind of like Kara and James’ but ill just leave that there) and of course Lena, both as a friend and as James’ girlfriend.

1. Alex - Knows for obvious reasons

2. Maggie - Alex’s ex, found out because she guessed. Which Alex didn't try to deny. 

3. James - Knows because Clark told him and took the decision away from Kara. Then James became her love interest. 

4. Lucy - James asked if he could tell Lucy, due to relationship issues. Kara gave him permission if i remember right? But ended up telling her herself anyway because she needed her help and trust. 

5. Winn - Knows because Kara told him. 

6. Lyra - now im not sure about this one, we never really saw Lyra with Kara and we never saw a secret reveal. But Kara was at the alien bar a lot and she didnt even try to keep a low profile there, drinking alien alcohol with Mon El, no discretion. 

(im leaving Siobhan out because she and Winn werent together, just having casual sex) 

7. Mon El - he knew from the very beginning. Which i find odd tbh, Kara already took an instant dislike to him because he was a Daxamite. But she was fine with immediately telling him her secret human identity? What if he had turned out bad? Plus this was all pre- her getting together with him. She could have looked after and guided him without letting on who she was.

8. Jonn - Well Jonn knows for obvious reasons.

9. M’gann - Jonn’s significant other (sort of?) She just knew. probably because of Kara not being discreet at the bar and the fact that she is psychic. 

10.Clark knows because obviously

11. Lois Lane, Clarks other half knows because obviously. I wonder if he spoke to Kara before revealing that? Or he just introduced her as his alien cousin, like he did in Smallville with Lana. 

12. Imra - Mon El’s wife. Knows because Mon El told her in the future and history etc. 

13. Briany - knows because Mon El told him, the future etc. 

14. Nia, knows because Kara told her impulsively, and she will probably be Briany’s significant other soon. 

15. Barry - Well Barry did take of his mask first, but Kara met him at Supergirl and wasted zero time in letting him know her civilian identity, again like Mon El what if Barry had been dodgy? Kara has zero impulse control. 

16. Cat Grant - Well Cat figured it out it on her own. 

17. Every single hero and side kick in the multiverse! Oliver, Cisco, Sara etc. Really Kara? NO IMPULSE CONTROL! 

18. Did Sam ever learn Supergirl was Kara? I forget. 

19. Every single person at the DEO, Pam from HR. Oh but this randomly became like 6 people when it came time for a mind wipe. 

20. Eliza and Jeremiah because obviously 

So, did i miss anyone out? I could add the people outside of this circle that know/knew who know Kara is. 

1. Maxwell Lord - still sitting on that secret. Figured it out through the relatively easy task of putting a camera in Alex’s purse.

2. Lillian Luthor - figured it out on her own and because of Jeremiah. Is waiting for Lena to stop being so oblivious and realize it for herself so she will hate Kara. Is currently in prison and was left with this knowledge?? Really Kara? Really Jonn? I know you’re not a fan of mind wiping but here that would have been the thing to do. 

3. Rhea - figured it out on her own. Knew she was Kara Danvers friend of Lena Luthor etc. Deceased. 

4. Coville - figured it out on his own. Kept it a secret though. Deceased. 

5. Old Highschool guy that kidnapped Alex.

So in conclusion, Kara Danvers sucks at keeping a secret. The excuse ‘Lena could get hurt and it puts her in danger’ is null and void when literally EVERYONE Kara knows, their significant others and even her enemies know! If Kelly Olsen finds out, Kara may as well just come out to the public all Tony Stark style! 

Final note - maybe given the fact that Kelly is a Psychiatrist Kara may finally get the therapy she so desperately needs! 

[lifewithoutmeds]

March 20, 2022

Sunday morning.

Sun is shining. i think it rained last night. i think i heard rain, and this morning the earth felt damp and had a good smell to it.

things are better than they were last week. jadai reached out, wanting to talk, and wanting to “clear up” any misunderstandings/to make sure i wasn’t harboring any ill feelings toward her. we haven’t yet had that conversation, but it’s been better even just the knowing that she’s catching herself and realizing that she doesn’t want bridges to burn. it settled me down greatly and i’ve felt more at peace with it since.

two days ago was shelby’s wedding and selene posted up a photo of her and she looked absolutely bat shit dazzling. i fell in love with her again. she was so breathtakingly beautiful. i expressed as much through a series of very excited emojis, and she sent me back hearts. so we’re on better terms.

this weekend there was a lot of down time, a lot of relaxation, but a sprinkle of activity. on friday i slept in, then met up my mom for brunch at her place, followed by 30 minutes at descanso gardens. i think i came home and napped. i probably took coop out a few times but it was a nice, quiet, napping day.

on saturday i had the wherewithal to get up and do some much needed chores, vicky came by briefly in between tasks, and we chatted, then i went out to melissa’s bday/st. patrick’s day where ray unexpectedly messaged me and off i went to her place. we grabbed ice cream and chatted until 11, at which point i went home.

ray.

i met ray last saturday at the burrow, a bar downtown on a lesbian speakeasy night. she’s much different than i am. almost not “my type” one might say. skinny, borderline frail-looking, she’s a gamer into moderating a gaming forum, playing Magic the Gathering, and has two cats that i’m severely allergic to as well as 3-4 geckos/gecko-like creatures. she’s from illinois, is recently out, may have some very mild autism, and would probably self describe as a geek/hermit. she doesn’t seem to like exercise, or the outdoors, but seems to aspire to a healthier lifestyle than the one she has now. the first few times we chatted i was discouraged by how few questions she had for me, or any seeming interest, and how little she reacted to my jokes/charm. if she hadn’t invited me over and let me cuddle for a bit, i’m sure i would have let it go, but the cuddle drew me in and it was only the cats and my eyes swelling to the point of nearly closing completely that drove me out.

we spent most of last saturday night together ( left at 5am), texted off and on, and i saw her on wednesday when we had dinner at din tai fung, and now again last night, when we had ice cream at Larchmont’s Salt and Straw. i don’t know how i feel about her. i think it felt important to feel Something for Someone. i had such a giant void to fill, and have so desired someone next to me, that it almost didn’t matter who, and there was something about her that made me come back even if we didn’t particularly have good chemistry or even banter.

but here we are. 

today’s tasks/goals: walk doggy take meds do some light cleaning pick up prescription from CVS hopefully wash my car help vicky out with some cleaning because why not

i also want to work on some of my fishing rods that are dirty/need the sand cleaned out so that maybe next week i can do an all-day fishing adventure.

oh i also scheduled some much needed dr. appointments and things so am feeling pretty productive. i had a dr. appointment last wednesday, and i’ll be doing some bloodwork, and my annual ultrasound and follow up soon, so .... i feel good about getting those calendared soon as i’ve received authorizations.

so things feel better, and though i should be wary about getting too excited about things, i’m just relieved that they’re not SO BAD as they were before. oh, also, linda do randomly messaged me about a song that reminded her of me, so ..... progress? somewhere? somehow?

i think also i’ve realized how absolutely crazy i am about finding a partner, about filling a void, about having a body next to me when i sleep, and it just tears me apart, my need for this companionship. a normally level-headed person, i’ve been manic for the last week or so with jadai and ray, and needing some sort of validation or interest or affection from either of them, from anyone.

i think the more i desire affection, the more i scare it away, and somehow that means something to the effect that i need to “work on myself,” whatever that means. that seems to imply some sort of inner work, emotional work, psychological work, ..... as well as just i dunno, whatever will give me feelings of adequacy and self worth. people seem to find that in journaling, though i don’t know how that directly contributes, but i will try and continue to journal, and maybe to read, and maybe .... i dunno, spend more time with people? while also spending time by myself?

but a part of me wants to just hole up for three months and emerge as kristal 3.0, a fully formed magnificent butterfly, completely transformed. or even just 10 pounds lighter, whatever.

until next time, space cowboy.

[aamoako3]

Love’s Disillusion

We have now arrived at the end of our journey…. our quest to figure out what love is. I can’t believe this moment has finally arrived! So...do I have an answer as to what love is? Well I personally don’t believe that there is one definitive answer as to what love is, but I must admit that this movie absolutely rounded out my perception of what is most important when it comes to love. Blue Valentine, right next to Moonlight and Phantom Thread, is definitely my favorite movie of the semester. This movie is a completely different vibe from every other movie we watched for class because of how alarmingly real it is. Of course everything that happens in Moonlight can truly happen but it’s targeted at a specific audience to relate to. Phantom Thread is a crazy take on love, but of course, hopefully I would never have to experience being poisoned by my lover OR poisoning my lover. With Blue Valentine, it was the most realistic story about love because it’s essentially not even about being in love, it’s about falling out a love: an experience that we’re all afraid could happen to us at some point.  A stubborn “love at first sight affair” that sadly turns into a depressing divorce.  One of the best feelings in the world is being in love, so the thought of it being taken away is heart-wrenching.

Breakups can be tough and since this movie sadly ends in divorce, the readings for this week detailed the trials and tribulations related to breakups. Although the audience never knows exactly what led to the deterioration of Dean and Cindy’s marriage, one of the readings for the week, Romantic Breakups, Heartbreak and Bereavement by Tiffany Field, talks about the physiological effects of a breakup. This got me wondering which effects Dean and Cindy both could have gone through once the bond in their relationship had been broken and their marriage started drifting away. In the reading, they explain that there are social regulators of bereavement in which the “loss of a significant other represents the loss of major social time cues” (pg 384). In the film, there was a scene where Cindy was late for their daughter’s recital because she had randomly found their dog, who’d they had been searching for. They already were disagreeing on how to handle the dog situation so having the dog end up dead was throwing another wrench in their broken relationship. Of course this wasn’t the only problem that they were having in their lives, but the loss of something so special to their daughter definitely didn’t help. This adds to the concept of internal disorganization that they both were probably going through. The author quotes from other researchers about how “losing an attachment figure means losing regulatory control of stable daily patterns, of tasks, attention, concentration, sleep, food intake and mood, such that they become fragmented, and the individual has a sense of internal disorganization” (pg 384-385). We don’t know how their sleep patterns have been or their concentration levels or the issues with their food intake, but we can assume that based on their moods and attitudes toward each other, that both Cindy and Dean were going through internal disorganization without having acknowledged it within themselves. They lost each other as attachment figures and when that happened, their entire relationship and their lives shifted in the negative direction.

The reading also describes a phenomena called psychobiological attunement or “being on the same wavelength” (pg 385). Well, let’s just say that Cindy and Dean were absolutely not on the same wavelength the way they were when they were younger. “Each partner provides meaningful stimulation for the other and has a modulating influence on the other’s arousal level” (pg 385). The point of being in a relationship is being able to thrive off of the positive energy that the other person brings to the table. You’re supposed to learn from each other, grow with each other and thrive off of each other. Dean seemed to be content living his life the way he was living it: not wanting to do anything more or less, not trying to advance his career or grow as an individual. He was content staying the same whereas Cindy wanted to see him flourish and try to push himself to be a better Dean than the one she was living with. They became out of sync: their psychobiological attunement toward each other became misaligned the minute Cindy realized that Dean didn’t want to do anything different with his life. He didn’t want to be better and she was not content with how content he was with this. Maybe they tried to talk about it, but they most likely didn’t. Cindy tries to address it but Dean shuts it down almost immediately. They never were able to take the time to actually talk through all the new things they wanted from each other as their lives progressed with one another. Without talking it through, this is when their relationship most likely began to suffer. 

In another one of the readings, Love as Illness: Poets and Philosophers on Romantic Love by Ruth Rothaus Caston, the authors describes how “philosophers compare love to an illness” that they believed was in need of treatment (pg 280). “The arguments that remove the troubling emotion are described as “cures” or “remedies” and the passions are said to be “torn out” or cauterized” from the body” (pg 281). Although these arguments are supposed to be philosophical arguments, in Dean and Cindy’s situation, this supposed “love” has not become just an illness, it has become a plague. They feel obligated to love each other for the sake of keeping their family together but they are constantly arguing and bickering to the point where real love could not honestly be seen between them. Their arguing and bickering can parallel the arguments that the philosophers use to “cure” the passions of love that they believe plague the body; that’s exactly what happened to Dean and Cindy. Their chemistry, their connection was broken for good. There was no salvaging it and that was clear to see during one of the last scenes when Dean causes a scene at Cindy’s job, getting her fired.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4D20x3Pfg6E ===> This scene is the climax: the breaking point where all the pent up anger toward each other truly comes out as Dean and Cindy have one of their relationship ending arguments)

Cindy explains how she’s done being angry and Dean explains that she’s only even talking to him because he’s forced himself into her time. This is where I realized that time is truly important in a relationship. If two people can’t make the time to work through their problems, then there really is no fixing the relationship. When a relationship becomes this deprived of a commitment to making time, it should be known that the relationship needs to end. Even if one person is willing to invest in trying to make it work, it has to be a two person deal. Both parties need to cooperate and commit to doing so or else it’s never going to work. Ironically, this is a point that I brought up in one of my earlier blog posts! Here it is: (quotes by ME):

“Since she ends up by herself at the end of the movie, with no significant other, maybe the reason none of the relationships turned out the way she wanted them to was because she needed to accept herself before she would be ready for the journey of finding her other half. When you think about it, how can you find your other half if you haven’t found yourself either? Two lost people can’t create a whole person. This is an idea that I'll definitely add to my beliefs of love: you can’t find someone else to add to your completeness if you’re not already complete within yourself as is.”

They both started the relationship as two broken individuals who were trying to fill the voids that they had within themselves with each other. The problem with this is that you can’t use someone else to fill a void that you need to personally fill. It doesn’t work like that. Self-love is an important kind of love that was rarely talked about throughout this entire love journey and I think it is one, if not the most important kind of love there is. If you can’t find the love to love yourself, it makes it a lot harder to love someone else and in Dean and Cindy’s situation, this is exactly the case. Their story is so real; it’s so true and it’s so scary to think about the fact that this could happen to anyone. If you don’t want this to happen, then you have to put the work in. Time is work and commitment takes time and work. Love is a commitment to making time; that’s what I think love is

[sanfranciscoyoginigypsy]

11/11/17

i had a ceremony this morning and it was so elevating and i wrote ashlars name on a post it note and something he did wrong on the back like not tell me he has a girlfriend then watched a women empowerment void of michelle obama and it was very empowering and meditated my chakras to clean out all that does not serve me and mediated and lit sage and wrote down a few things to empower me and make me feel great and honest and lit the sage and mediated and wow i felt fucking so good and clear and lit the piece of paper with his name on it and at first i was laughing like ok sage i dont know what I'm doing this is my first time doing it and making jokes then i got really serious and i was talking but it was like my mind was not comprehending it was something else saying these words like this energy and time i commit and engage into with this human being no longer serves me and the love i receive from them i can fulfill to myself on my own and the lack i receive it from them will not hinder me or bother me and just some really intense and important stuff.. such  great recommendation from amanda to tell me to do a sage ceremony . lots of cleansing was done .. and the grey skies are clearing up. it was a beautiful day .. and I'm excited for work tomorrow and to be in texas in just a few more hours! I'm going to work then pull an all nighter for like3  more hours then head to the airport!! I'm so excited so so so excited to be in texas and be with elena and mama and papa and go to spider house and epoch to do school work and write and journal and play electric guitar and keyboard and have time with my family and self and i gotta freaking do schoolwork dude I'm so freaking behind its ridiculous and I'm going to miss more school bc i lied to my parents about not having it and now I'm gonna be gone during thanksgiving week! i better do all the extra credit i can and all of the work! I'm really appreciative of jacob he's been my day 1 and i can express so much to him like how my heart is broken from ashlan and how i receive ups and downs with friendships here where in texas it was this wonderland bc guys would hang with me bc I'm cool and wed jam and skate but here guys just want one thing and idk maybe i went overboard but ive just grown so much here and never really opened my eyes to it or appreciated it but iw went from this little girl in texas that always just hung out with friends and ate out to being in california and being a yogini and learning so much so fast and choosing all the right things in my paths like not having sex with anyone bc i know myself and how special it is to me and to focusing on what i need to focus on and I'm just so excited to go back fucking home and play on an and and have thanksgiving with my family and see old friends and go to spider house to do school work and to epoch coffee and to just be in my fucking room and be so cleansed and awesome and fuck shit I'm so so so so so so happy and excited for life dude like its so good and i just need to catch up on school work and be super fucking focused on the work and get good grades this is basically the last semester of my general eds and i need to get this shit DONE AHHH life is so good and i feel like even being heartbroken by ashlan has helped a lot to help me realize it , it hopped me on thebans wagon and motivated me to be a musician again and pursue my full potential for some reason.. i told him last friday when i felt rejected and jealous of his girlfriend and him the first thing i wanted to do was go to guitar center and drum and i said i feel like the universe is telling me something from that AND IT IS AND IM LISTENING TO IT DAMN IT like heartbreak is achy and hurts but its motivation for now atleast like I've wrote song and played on the guitar bc of it like this is a stepping stone in my life this fucking experience dude. if ashlan fully embraced me and loved me and gave e attention i wouldn't be at this spot right now. my love for music would have no highlighted and the angel of music wouldn't have shined a light on me and gave me that song to randomly learn and play. “still together” by mac demarco, i fucking picked up the guitar when i got to the ashram while i was waiting for my tea to boil on the stove and my fingers landed wherever and my other hand strummed wherever and next thing you know I'm playing still together, i was like what the fuck is this song it sounds like something then BOOM i remember and its still together... ITS FUCKING CARLO BRO CARLO IS telling me we are still together and he still here and you know what FUCK IT if I'm alone guys are so tricky and they only want one thing and they just always play with me AND IT DOESNT MATTER BC I HAVE CARLO MUSIC AND YOGA AND MASELF dawg thats all i fucking need and of course my family and bbs and biggie and maya ooooh I'm so fuking excited TO SEE THEM TOO I LOVE MY DOGS I LOVE EVRTYHTING i was just so hung up on ashlan bc our touch and conversations had meaning and value and i  love him so much he cares and loves me so much but right now is not our time and ill be patient bc one day we will be together but right now is alive lesson and stepping stone ASHLAN IS SO SPECIAL TO ME I LOVE HIM but this situation has to happen to teach me what i want and to practice not being attached and aHOLY SHITMY JOURNEY JUST STARTED 

[consulting-celiac-in-the-tardis]

How a Fibromyalgia Warrior Takes Control of Her Joint Health + GIVEAWAY

New blog post!

This post is generously sponsored by GOPO. 

When you have fibromyalgia, trial and error is a regular part of everyday life. You tweak your medications, your workout routine and even the foods you eat (perhaps going as far to try a gluten free diet for fibromyalgia), all in the hopes of finding a happier, healthier you. I'd be lying to say that I've found the secret formula to eliminating my fibromyalgia pain. However, in my 10-year journey with chronic illness, I've discovered several tricks that help me manage my fibromyalgia symptoms. One of the most recent additions? A joint health supplement called GOPO, which three lucky winners will get the chance to try for themselves.

Keep reading to learn four ways this fibromyalgia warrior takes control of her joint health and to enter the GOPO giveaway!

1. Keep a food journal or jot down what you ate before having a flare, and try to avoid dietary triggers. 

I get it. Keeping a food journal is tedious and time-consuming. And, as always, you should talk with your doctor before making any big changes to your diet.  If you're sick of randomly feeling cruddy after meals, though, a food journal can be a good place to start!

My kind of food journal!

Take me, for example. I have to eat a gluten free diet due to celiac disease. When I continued to battle joint pain and bloating after going gluten free, though, I started paying attention to what gluten free foods were still triggering flare ups. What did I discover? For one thing, corn and I do not get along. Whether it's in the form of pasta, chips or corn on the cob, corn messes with my stomach and my joints. I also stumbled upon the low fodmap diet (just google that phrase if you aren't familiar with it), and pinpointed over foods on my body's no-go list (like garlic and mango). How you keep a food journal is up to you. Personally, I kept a "visual" journal by taking pictures of my meals (Instagram photos with a purpose!). You don't have to keep a food journal forever, either. Maybe start with a week, see if you have any flares with identifiable triggers, and go from there!

2. Find the exercise routine that works for your body. 

Repeat after me: everybody is different...and every body is different too. Some of my friends feel awesome running several days a week and doing nothing else. Others love weight lifting and hardly ever do cardio.

At the bottom of The Incline!

Personally, I've found that a mix of different often low-intensity exercises suits my body best. Yoga can help me stretch out and release tension after a long day of computer work. Biking lets me get cardio without hurting my knees. Weight lifting - after years of slowly building up strength and learning what moves don't trigger a fibromyalgia flare up - helps me feel like a (mini) badass. And, most recently, trying out rock climbing or long hikes (like the infamous Manitou Incline!) is good for my soul. The point is that you should find the exercises that work for you and your body. Keep in mind that your "perfect" workouts may change with time. Recently, I re-aggravated an old IT band strain, which means my stationary bike, long walks and yoga are majorly off-limits. Instead, easy stretching, weight lifting and short stints on the elliptical are what my body needs right now.

I'll also say this: don't give up hope. Sure, it's super frustrating when you try (and maybe even love) a new exercise routine, only to be hit by a major fibromyalgia flare the next day. But when you learn the workouts that actually work for your body? That feeling is worth all of the time and mistrials!

3. Listen to your body - and don't feel ashamed or embarrassed to cancel plans if you need to.

In a culture full of FOMO (or Fear of Missing Out), it can be easy to feel obligated to always be social, productive and, well, on. I know I often fall victim to this mindset; when I'm not in class, I'm working on homework. When I'm not working on assignments for school, I'm just plain working. And even when I have some "free time," I'm often spending it on (rewarding but brain-consuming) activities like blogging. When your body is screaming that you that you need to slow the heck down, though, try to listen. Consider telling your friends the basics about fibromyalgia, so that they can better understand why you sometimes feel like Superwoman (or Superman)...and sometimes can barely get out of bed. Instead of full-out canceling plans, you can also suggest flare-friendly alternatives like a movie marathon or a relaxing night under the stars.

Equally socially awkward roommates help too...

When you do need to cancel plans outright, don't beat yourself up about it. I vividly remember how, during my last semester of college, I accidentally took my pills - including my sleeping medicine - four hours early. I had an important class that night, but I knew I'd be a zombie by the time it started. I cried, hated the fact that I had to worry about taking pills at all, and, in the end, I missed that important class. But the world didn't end, my final grade didn't fall off a cliff, and I got the sleep that my body obviously needed. You didn't choose to have a chronic illness, but you can choose not to blame yourself for needing to slow down every once in a while. And that decision can make a huge difference.

4. Look into supplements like GOPO. 

The newest "trick" I've added to my joint health routine is a supplement called GOPO Rosehip with Galactolipids. If you've never heard of GOPO, it's probably because it's more well-known (and commonly used) in Europe. However, GOPO is now available in America...and if you're looking for a way to upgrade your joint health, this supplement could help.

How does it work? You can thank the galactolipids found naturally in rose hip, which is the fruit of a rose. Galactolipids are thought to aid joint and joint tissue health*, and GOPO's rose hip is designed to be especially potent and targeted toward joint care. GOPO only contains three ingredients - rose hip, hypromellose, and vitamin C (sodium ascorbate) - and is free of gluten, wheat, yeast, dairy, lactose, shellfish and animal products. 

So what has my experience been with GOPO? It would be an exaggeration to say that my joint pain has disappeared since I started taking GOPO. However, combined with my usual stretching and trigger-free diet, my joints have been handling the weather changes and stress associated with moving to a new state much better than I anticipated. Slowly but surely, my leg injuries have also been improving. I couldn't have found a better time to try out GOPO, either. Since rose hip is naturally high in Vitamin C, GOPO is a great secret weapon for staying healthy during back to school season!

As I've said earlier in this post, what works for me may not work for you and, in my experience, a combination of different lifestyle changes and treatment plans is often needed to live your healthiest and happiest life with fibromyalgia. However, when I hear about a supplement that offers a natural way to improve my joint health, it definitely catches my attention.

If you're curious about how GOPO would affect your joint health and want to try it for yourself, you can find GOPO at The Vitamin Shoppe, Vitamin World and stores like Kroger and Walgreens. If you enter my GOPO-sponsored giveaway below, though, you could be one of the three lucky winners to receive a voucher for a free bottle of GOPO (up to a $29.99 value)!

GOPO Giveaway Rules

This giveaway ends on August 25 at 12 AM Central time, and the three winners will be announced here by August 27. This giveaway is only open to US residents over age 18, and the randomly selected winners will have 24 hours to respond to my email and claim their prize. There is no purchase necessary, the number of eligible entries received will determine the odds of winning, and this giveaway is void where prohibited by law.

Best of luck to everyone who enters!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

When you're living with fibromyalgia, finding a treatment plan that works for you can feel like searching for the holy grail. If you're feeling frustrated, though, just know this: small changes to your lifestyle, your diet or even your medications can make a big difference in your overall quality of life. And there's nothing more rewarding than finally figuring out what your body really needs!

*These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.

How do you take control of your joint health or overall health? Tell me in the comments below!

via Blogger http://ift.tt/2i95cnJ

[softpockets-blog1]

the most embarassing thing i'll ever post online but i really need an outlet to ramble on right now

it's seriously possibily the most embarassing aggravating thing about myself that even as someone who wants nothing but to tell everyone as much as possible about herself i really hesitate a lot to talk about because nothing makes me feel more vulnerable. but my biggest dream and my biggest longing ever since i was a kid was to fall in love and find "true love" and the like. god it sounds so cliché and desperate and pathetic this is why i hate talking about it so much. but at least since i was like 11 it was always my dream, the content of my daydreams, what i wished for in every wish situation, in every birthday, through all this years, even now. like i grew up with sailor moon i guess the soul mate thing just really influenced me. also my childhood best friend that i was super close with moved away on fourth grade so i think i just really felt the need to fill that void. i always just felt incomplete. lol i was so emo as a preteen/teen i basically thought it was useless to pursue joy because any fleeting joy i could experience in day-to-day life would be ultimately meaningless as long as something essential was missing from my life. that nothing would mean anything until i found it. i mean, i managed to change my way of thinking, ever since i started thinking of depression as an illness, doing little things to help battle it off felt like something that made sense, and it's still hard to make myself actively live in the now because i'm not used to it, but i'm trying.

but i always made myself to believe in fate because it helped my peace of mind, to tell myself that i would eventually get to where i was supposed to be and find what i was looking for even if i had no idea what to do or where to go or where to search for it. i kind of resented the "chase your dreams" way of thinking because i thought, "what if your dream isn't something that can be chased?". i can't make myself fall in love. my method was always just to wait. wait, wait, wait. i was always pretty chill at least in that time when i really thought all i needed to do was wait, because it didn't matter at all if i wasn't content with the present since all i was doing was waiting for the future anyway. the future was the only thing that mattered.

but i don't fall in love. or i haven't. i can barely tell if i've ever had a crush. i mean i don't know how to tell apart a friend crush and an admiral crush from a romantic crush or whatever? maybe i've had one? maybe i haven't? the two relationships i've been, i was asked out and then convinced myself that i liked them back because i was so desperate to experience it, a relationship, romance. and then a couple months in when i realized i definitely did not feel the same i just drowned in guilt over lying and "leading them on" and got to crying-in-the-shower levels of anxiety wondering how to break things off and when it happened i told myself to learn from my mistakes and never do it again, never get in a relationship unless i'm 100% sure i like the person romantically even though i don't know how to be 100% sure because i don't know what it's supposed to be like. and then i hear things about how "dating is about getting to know each other" and you don't need to like each other first to date but i still really don't understand how any of that works. i just don't want to feel like a villain again. i don't want to feel like i've made everyone hate me and i'm going to lose all my friends again.

i'm just finally getting to the point where i'm tired of waiting? it's been so many years? i can't take it anymore? i'm finally starting to feel bitter when i see other people having a significant other. or finding out someone i already new has an s/o now. like, i didn't usually felt envious of those things, because i didn't want to "date", or to "get a datefriend", and it's not like i felt like "i'm unlikable no one would date me", i wanted to fall in love, and whether i fall in love has nothing to do with others. but i'm finally starting to feel disadjusted, wrong, like this comes easily to others and not to me, like everyone is moving forward and i'm still stuck and i still have no idea how it works.

like... this year i've started considering dating services. websites and the like. i mean, if only to meet more people. because i don't meet people, i don't talk to people. i've been in my uni for 4 years now and i have one friend besides whom i don't know or talk to anybody. so how am i gonna meet someone i can fall in love with if i never meet anyone to begin with? and like, whenever i tell myself "i need to be more social", because besides this whole thing i really do want to make more friends to begin with, but i don't know how. like do you just throw the dice to pick one random person off the crowd to randomly approach and attempt to start conversation even though you have nothing to say? how does that work? how do you meet and talk to people? how do you force it to happen if it didn't happen naturally? it's not like i consciously think "i want to say this and that but i'm too shy/scared to", it doesn't even occur to me to approach someone or say something to begin with, so it's not just about getting over shyness or anxiety, i don't know what the hell i'm supposed to be doing to begin with. and in that aspect, dating services seem useful. they have a set method, it's exact, there's step-by-step instructions, and in a way that's more compatible with me.

but i'm absolutely incapable of believing that it would work. i just... i'm just so used to thinking of thing in terms of me and not-me. me and other people. me and the rest of the world. and the whole dating service thing just registers as a rest of the world kind of thing. it's something other people do, not me. it's something that works for other people, not me. through it i would meet other people, normal people, who would expect me to be the same and i wouldn't be. i don't know about the world. i don't know how anything works. i'm like a child. i'm like 12 inside, and a 12 year old going on a date with a 20-something is never gonna work, right? i mean i've made only 3 irl friends throughout my life and they have been the only people i've managed to connect with and everyone else seems to be in a different wavelength entirely. and i know that's a huge assumption. i know i'm being a dumb snowflake-syndrome kid here. i haven't talked or gotten to know everyone else to know whether we would've connected or not. i just admitted i don't talk to anyone. but that belief is there and i can't get rid of it. i look at people and i see "other". it's terrifying. i'm terrified. doing something that is not like me that would cause me to hang out with people that are not like me is terrifying.

part of me is tired of waiting and i always said there was nothing i could do to "chase my dream" but maybe there is and if there is than i should do it. and even aside from thinking of the romance thing especifically i'm trying to expand the tiny narrow world i live in, to live in the now, and to interact with the outside world, so this would be a good exercise regardless. rationally i understand that. i understand all this. but it's still so so so so terrifying.

i've been crying throughout writing this whole thing because i'm that pathetic.

i've just been in a low mood since yesterday which means all my fears and insecurities are hitting me one at a time and i guess right now was this one's turn. god i'm so pathetic.