#maybe ill figure out how to make it look a lil less blurry for that redo….

[peppermintpuffs]

theyre on a date again :) (feat. slightly better quality)

[vamp0rivm]

can u do ellie best friends to lovers with a lil angst 👀

SELF CONTROL

masterlist

Dim warm lights, the constant hum of talking and laughter, bodies swaying to the gentle music like grass in the breeze.

Somewhere near the centre of the buzz, Dina and Jesse are slow dancing. The sight warms your heart; your face brightens with a small half-smile and you look down at the alcohol in your cup which you’ve been nursing for a while. A nervous habit.

The metallic taste of blood seeps into your mouth rather than the bitterness of the drink as you chew your bottom lip and look back up to scan the room for Ellie. Again.

You’ve been standing awkwardly by the drinks for a while now, the place that the two of you usually spend most of your time at whenever there’s a dance.

She had gone to go find someone, telling you she’d be right back, but she still hasn’t returned and it’s pissing you off ever so slightly.

The only part of these things that you enjoy is chatting drunkenly with her after all.

Or, just being in her presence. You’d enjoy just that. The warm, tingly feeling makes almost anything worth it. You’ve known for years that you are in love with Ellie Williams, and almost everyone else in Jackson knows it too.

You like to pretend it’s not like that; she’s your best friend and you’re just super close, especially since Jesse and Dina got together so you spend less time together as a group and rather just as the two of you, but you know that’s bullshit.

You’ve had a crush on her since the day she arrived in Jackson, and it has only grown larger and larger into this undeniable love for her. It sits in your chest and squeezes your heart cruelly, clawing at the bars of your rib cage and churning your stomach whenever she’s around.

You’ll never be able to tell her about your feelings, and you’re lucky no one outright talks about it when she’s with you. Because the two of you are best friends; attached at the hip, as the elders often muse.

And, though it hurts, for now, you’re okay with being just that.

Your eyes skim over the sea of dancing figures, stopping abruptly at the familiar sight of choppy auburn hair.

Ellie.

Your heart drops when you see the reason she’s not with you in the form of a girl with short black hair and arms that are draped over Ellie’s shoulders.

Ellie’s dancing with Cat. But Ellie never dances with anyone. Hell, she’s only ever danced with you or Dina about two times at best.

There’s a horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach - something akin to nausea, anger, and despair. They’re standing too close. Ellie’s holding onto Cat’s waist too comfortably. The hall is too small. The air is too hot. Everything is too much.

You only just saw it but the room is already becoming blurry, so you place your drink down at the table shakily and walk out as quickly as you can, eyes glassy and legs quivering, ignoring the sound of Dina’s voice calling out to you over the much too loud music. Your ears are still ringing when you get home.

Ellie looks over at the table and notices the absence of you. Suddenly, she feels thrown off. You’re always there. Where did you go? She chews her lip - a habit the two of you share - as she looks back down at Cat, silently telling herself you probably just went to the bathroom.

When the song ends, she eagerly separates from the confused girl and jogs over to Dina to ask about you.

“You just missed her. She upped and left about five minutes ago. Tried to talk to her but she looked kinda out of it. I think she wasn’t feeling well.”

“Did she look ill?”

“I don’t think so. Maybe just drunk.”

“Why’d she go? She didn’t even tell me she was leaving…”

“I’m sure she’s fine, El, you’ll see her tomorrow anyway.”

“Right.”

——

The thought of patrol is making you deeply upset.

You don’t know how to face her; how you can look her in the eye when you feel so hideously jealous over something as small as seeing her dancing with another girl.

A few steps behind at all times, you pick at your nails as you muster up the effort to pretend that you’re not feeling like shit.

Shouldn’t be this hard to talk to your best friend.

Ellie looks over her shoulder at you for a moment and you’re already dreading what’s coming when her eyes meet yours.

“So, where’d you go last night? I looked around and you were gone.”

“I… just- home. I went home. Wasn’t feeling it.”

Ellie nods as her head turns to face forward once more. She’s rambling on about something but you can’t hear her. You’re about to do something you will inevitably regret - in fact, you regret it before even doing it.

“You looked like you were having fun, though… Cat, huh?”

The smile that plays on Ellie’s lips makes all those feelings you felt at the party rush through you again. With intensity. Once more, you feel nauseous.

“Yeah… We’re just… It’s just a thing. I don’t know. She’s cool…”

You’re face morphs out of a grimace and into one of neutrality when Ellie looks back at you nervously again, smile slightly more unsure as she gauges your reaction.

Of course she cares about your opinion of Cat. You’re best friends. For that reason, you force a smile to push up your aching cheeks and shove her shoulder gently as you trek further into the snow.

“A thing? Wow. I’m sure she’d love hearing that.”

Ellie throws her hands up in defeat, “Hey, I never claimed to be good at this sappy shit.”

“Pfft, yeah. I’m more than aware of that.”

Ellie laughs and grabs onto your waist wordlessly to move you out of the way of a branch you were going to trip over,

“You’re such an asshole. Fine, right now, there’s not really a label, but, I mean, she’s cute. I don’t know, maybe something could come outta this.”

You nod, but the juxtaposition of her words and her touch are driving you insane.

“Cool. You looked cute as fuck together.”

All you can hope is that she can’t tell your words are laced with bitterness. But you’ve known each other for years. Ellie can obviously tell that something is wrong. The way you brushed her hands away and kept walking was a pretty obvious sign.

Ellie makes incessant attempts at starting conversations, but your one word responses leave her feeling confused, her signature smirk faltering.

As you return to the stables in silence, you can feel her gaze piercing through the side of your face before she reaches out her hand and rubs your back gently, as she usually does whenever you’re sad.

“You okay?”

You try to play off the way you flinched under her touch and clear your throat, refusing to meet her strong gaze as you move away from her.

“I’m fine, yeah, just tired.”

She stops and stands still, watching in confusion as you walk off in the direction of your home without acknowledging her again.

Over the next few days, she can see clearly that something is happening quick, that the trajectory of your relationship is pummelling towards the ground, but she can’t figure out why. At that point, it really doesn’t take a genius to see.

The day after, on your way to the stables before patrol, you encountered a sight that took your already breaking heart out and trampled all over it.

Ellie and Cat were making out. And, though you’re used to hearing details about Ellie’s emotions, seeing it in the flesh occurring with so much passion is like a slap to the face.

The last few months had given you hope. You had felt as though your dynamic was becoming more affectionate. You must’ve been badly mistaken. This was confirmation that there was no meaning to the drawn-out glances and lingering touch. No feeling. No reciprocation. God, you feel like an idiot.

You can’t believe Ellie still doesn’t know. You can’t believe you have to go through this again, even if you have a feeling they won’t last very long. Will you really just spend your whole life obsessing over her? You feel like you’ve been pushed past breaking point.

Before you know it, you’re back at home with the door slammed shut behind your heaving figure. You know it’s completely idiotic that you’ll be holed up in here for the next few days, moping over Ellie. At least now, it’s for the last time.

You won’t let yourself crawl back to her.

Ellie walks away from your locked door with a frown, a hoarse voice and knuckles sore from knocking to no avail for the nth time that week.

You don’t open up. You can’t see her, not for a while.

Dina stops by almost every day, brushing her fingers through your hair and comforting you while trying to get you to go out and meet someone else. Maria borderline harasses you through her, asking when you’ll be back on patrol, if you’re still all depressed.

You can’t help but want to sink into your bed and stay there for eternity.

And when you finally start going out again, you catch wind of Ellie spending more and more time with Cat, not understanding why you’re suddenly nowhere to be found. Obviously, Ellie hasn’t declared anything to be official, but you refuse to read into it. Ellie’s never been one to do shit like that.

She speaks to Dina about it constantly, looks around for you in her free time, chases after you when she catches glimpses of you around the market. You rarely stop or give her more than a tight-lipped smile, claiming you’re busy.

You’re always out of reach.

But the straw to break the camel’s back is being met with Jesse’s face instead of yours on the day that you’re supposed to return to patrol. Patrol, with her.

Irrefutable evidence that you’re avoiding her.

Even now, however, she can never manage to get a hold of you to confront you about it. Her mind is consumed with thoughts of you. The last few weeks had been chaotic, the hours you spent together daily suddenly dissipating into a head nod as you speed past her on the rare occasion your paths cross. She has so much to tell you, and so much to ask you. Too many questions.

So, when she finally sees you stagnant at the Tipsy Bison, her heart starts racing.

Of course, you’re not beckoning her over by the drinks like you used to. You’re standing by a girl she somewhat recognises, throwing your head back in laughter and touching the girl’s arm in a way that makes Ellie’s jaw clench.

That’s the way you act around Ellie, or used to. That was the way it had always been, and it was a comforting affection that she had found solace in. That was your friendship; it felt like home.

But, now you left Ellie waiting at your doorstep and invited someone else in. She knew deep down that it was weird for her to feel this way about you being “friendly” with another girl, but her thoughts were clouded as she watched you. You replaced her.

The girl you’re with is someone you barely recognise, but she seems nice enough to make you want to be around her. Maybe you’re finally moving on from the crush that had you in a chokehold since you were 15. Or maybe the way a lock of her hair fell out of her low bun and framed her face reminded you of something, or someone, you craved desperately.

Whatever. You’re drunk enough to stop feeling anxious about seeing Ellie again in a place you couldn’t avoid her in.

When that familiar cold touch settles upon your shoulder and you’re spun around to face the person you had been running from for weeks, you just shrug it off and turn back to face the girl, Emily, or something.

Damn, even the name.

But she’s noticed the tension and she’s not continuing the conversation.

Ellie grabs you by the shoulders and turns you back around in frustration,

“Maybe you should cool it on the drinks, dude, you don’t even know this chick. She’s practically on top of you…” Ellie whispers aggressively and you know that she’s beyond pissed off because she rarely lets herself get so obviously annoyed.

“Whatever. Can you leave? I’m in the middle of something.”

She scoffs, a flash of hurt illuminating her irises,

“Are you serious?”

“Do I look like I’m joking?”

“You know what? You’re clearly drunk off your ass so let’s get you home, Y/N.”

That throws you off the edge,

“Fuck off, Ellie! What right do you have to say shit about who I’m fucking around with! You’re just a friend!”

Ellie’s expression becomes unreadable. Her hand curls around your wrist as she mutters, “… I know, but, I’ve been meaning-”

“We’re friends. Nothing more. Nothing less.”

The upset flickers through Ellie’s expression just long enough for you to notice before it darkens coldly again. She squeezes your wrist tight and starts pulling you towards the exit, both of you becoming aware of the people stopping and watching the interaction go down.

“C’mon. You’re drunk. I’m taking you home.”

You squirm, hunching over and dragging your feet as she leads you out while you try to pry her fingers off of you. It’s no use.

“Ellie, fuckin’ get off! I’m not-”

She turns and you flinch at the stern glare she gives you before saying,

“Stop being a fucking dick and cooperate for once.”

Your shoulders slump as she pulls you out and you blink back the tears that threaten to fall, whispering,

“I’m tired of this...”

Ellie doesn’t look back at you. She just keeps walking.

“What? You don’t wanna be friends anymore? Are you a goddamn five year old? Fuckin’ go ahead. I couldn’t give a shit less. I’m still taking your ass home.”

“Yeah! I don’t wanna be your fucking friend, Ellie! I’m tired of lingering around and- and pining after you for forever, or some shit. I don’t wanna watch you do all the shit I wanna do with you with some other girl! I hate it! It’s not fair; you keep giving me mixed signals-”

She stops dead in her tracks, still refusing to look at you.

“I… I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Bullshit! If you don’t like me, why are you so fucking touchy? Why do you say all of that flirty shit when you’re drunk or high? Why do you get all protective when someone’s being flirty! Everyone and their fucking mom knows I have been in love with you for so long, it’s ridiculous, so stop ignoring it and just fucking turn me down or leave me the fuck alone! It’s not fair, Ellie. You can’t keep leading me on!”

She just shakes her painfully beautiful head and turns her gaze to the floor. You can feel the shattered remnants of your hearts piercing through your insides. You don’t want to hear what’s coming.

“You don’t want this. You dont. You dont know what you’re getting into.”

“I know you better than almost anyone. Yes, I do. You don’t get to decide that.” Your voice comes out shaky, defeated, but there’s no way you could get any more ashamed.

She finally turns to look at you, squeezing your wrist ever so slightly. Her thumb gently traces circles into the skin and there’s a sadness that paints her face in a way you’ve never seen before, one that makes you want to hold her.

“No… I don’t get to. But, you’re you… If it’s you, it’ll get too real. I can’t handle that. I’m not good at this shit. I can be open and free with you when we’re the way we are now. What we have now is good. If I let it happen, I’m scared I won’t be able to give you what you want. You deserve better. I’m sorry.”

The night breeze embraces the two of you, connecting you in a way that the words which die on your tongue are incapable of doing. There are unspoken truths in the way you look at each other. A comfort in the touch, hidden beneath the pain.

You don’t want to hear all the complications. You don’t want to worry about that shit. You just want her to hold you. You just want her.

With tears, thick as blood and carrying your love, running down your cheeks, you rest your head on Ellie’s shoulder and let yourself go.

“Please, Ellie. Please. Just stop. I just wanna be with you. I don’t care about that shit. I love you so much, it hurts. Don’t leave me like this. Please.”

A shaky breath escapes her lips as Ellie’s rigid figure relaxes into you.

“Fuck, you’re making it so hard to have self control.”

“Then, let go of it, Ellie, please.”

Gentle touch, her fingers caress your face as they brush the hair stuck to your cheeks, wet with tears, behind your ear and tilt it up so you’re looking at her. You love her. You love this.

“…I love you too.”

Then, Ellie leans in and gives you what you’ve been yearning for for years.

——

idk how i feel abt this but OH WELL and also dk if anon wanted a modern au but i might do that later with this concept anyway so don’t fret ��� send more requests before i decay.

i have huge massive penis.

[autisticidiot]

my spider-man collection !! + loadssss of my rambling (as per usual) and a calculation of how much it costs cuz @marshber's post had me curious about mine !! :3 a lot of my collection is just gifts from people hehe ^_^ the images r all over the place..

ohh my god it's so blurry T_T anyways,, 11 comics, 4 magazines and 1 omnibus :3 i stopped getting the magazines because uhhh.. i couldn't find them in my co-op anymore aha. also they were kinda pricy i guess.. they had these lil plastic toys sometimes. made me feel bad for some reason lol,, @-@ maybe i'll get some specific one of the website but uh yeah.

i think all my comics feature chameleon hehe ☆(ゝω·)v except the daily bugle one. that was my first !!

my plushes !! i thinkkk the first one i got was the 2nd one. his head is like that because he got lobotomised and had to get stitched back up ! ^_^ his head was still kinda funny looking before that though lol. the one i got after that is the squishmallow !! it was a birthday gift from my friend !! yayayaya it's my favourite of the bunch. very soft (๑•̀ㅁ•́ฅ✧ the b i g head one makes thwip sounds !!

oh and my bed covers !! i love them a lot :]

my figures (ignore the black blob pls >_<‶) + some extra !! that gwen helicopter turns into a motorcycle !! i got it for free :3 it's part of a set i think but i don't have it. the lil spidey is a rubber !! it was a mystery thing. i wanted to get one of the villains,, but i suppose nothing beats good old spidey >_^

i keep shocker and electro in the packaging because umm.. it's easier to store lol. and i would keep the packaging anyway it's nice :3 i still have the packaging for my pins lol and chameleon is forever imprisoned because he's made of lead i think. apparently it's fine but i'm an anxious person lol

i loveeee the feel of mayhem's hair.. and i just really like the pop. prowler's heads broken 😔 he was like that when i first got him. tried to fix him but it just broke again.. maybe it's meant to be  o(TωT)o 

..and everything else !! (+ stuff that i forgot to put in the others lol)

i wear that spider-man shirt for like everything lol !! with a specific pair of jeans. and spider-man socks :P AND OH WAIT I FORGOT TO PUT MY SPIDER-MAN VANS.. ill put those after this !! :3 there's 2 more pairs of socks but they're in the wash.

my spider-man water bottle is scuffed because it fell out of my bag and spent a day outside o_o

my spider-man vans !! <3

anyways the total price of this !! retail price. and converted to pounds if needed. unless it doesn't say and i can't find it then it's just estimated. and im really bad at estimating !! and i may have accidentally added a couple more or less !! is: £484.83

.. woah !! i think the vans do a lot of heavy lifting since (from what i searched online..) the retail price is $134.99.. but um yeah wow (´⊙ω⊙`)