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sunshineoptimismandangels · 6 years ago

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Autumn in Lima

Chapter Four - Can’t Take My Eyes Off You

Pairing: Klaine Author: Sunshineoptimismandangels Fic Word Count: 14,279 Chapters: 4/? Summary: For this Tumblr prompt:

“I’m stopped at a light and you’re singing with your windows rolled down and wow do you have an amazing voice” Kurt and Blaine have the perfect meet cute, but how do you make it work after you meet the man of your dreams?

Read from the beginning: AO3 | FF.net

The day started with coffee. Even though they’d had coffee with breakfast, Blaine insisted the little coffee shop near his house had the best coffee and Kurt was always willing to taste test caffeine. Kurt ordered a salted caramel mocha, he was spoiling himself this weekend in more ways than one, and after ranting about the coffee Blaine just ordered a drip coffee and added some sugar… but Kurt figured no one was perfect.

The coffee was good, but the company was better. They ended up taking their drinks to a nearby park and walking around a large duck pond sipping their coffee and talking as the backs of their hands brushed together. Kurt felt an almost electric tremor run up his arm every time his hand brushed against Blaine’s warm skin. He was working up the nerve to just reach out and hold hands when Blaine beat him to the punch.

Kurt glanced down to their entwined fingers, loosely and perfectly tangled together, and back up to Blaine’s face. Blaine kept talking about classes he was taking at NYU as if nothing had happened, but there was a redness to his cheeks that gave him away. Kurt covered his smile by taking a sip of coffee. The fact that Blaine would blush at holding hands after they slept together last night was just… extremely endearing.

Kurt found he might have to change his mind on no one being perfect as he and Blaine continued to enjoy the warm morning sun and the cool autumn breeze. Blaine was just as easy to talk to this morning as he was yesterday, holding hands, chatting, laughing, Kurt watching Blaine’s beautiful profile and dancing eyes - he could feel his heart melting down to his Taft boots.

“I grew up playing on that playground,” Blaine said pointing to the spot they were passing where children were swinging and laughing and cashing each other around the jungle gym. “Ohio born and raised.”

Kurt nodded, Blaine knew he’d been born in Lima himself. “Was it hard?” Kurt asked thinking back to his childhood and teen years. It had been hard for him. Of course, Kurt had lost his mom at about the age of some of the children they were passing.

“Hard?” Blaine asked turning to look at him.

Kurt shrugged, “I guess maybe not so much until you got older. I mean… being gay in a conservative town?”

“Mmmm,” Blaine took a long sip of coffee, but Kurt could tell he wasn’t stalling just thinking it over. “Yeah. High School, in particular, was very… difficult. Especially before I transferred to Dalton.”

Kurt waited for him to elaborate, but he didn’t - instead, Blaine squeezed Kurt’s hand and sent him a little smile, “Was it hard for you?”

“Yes.” Kurt nodded slowly, “High School was tough. And… my mom died when I was eight, so I guess I have a clouded view of childhood in general.”

Blaine stopped walking and faced Kurt his brow furrowed and his eyes searching, “Kurt, I knew your mom wasn’t in the picture anymore, but I didn’t… I’m so sorry.” Blaine’s voice was filled with concern and Kurt could feel his own eyes start to burn with unshed tears just at the rawness of Blaine’s empathy.

Kurt shook his head and smiled the best he could. He didn’t cry every time he talked about his mom anymore. He never stopped missing her, but twelve years after her death he’d found he could talk about her without breaking down. “It was a long time ago.”

Blaine started walking again but kept casting glances at Kurt as if making sure he was okay talking about this, “You should tell me all about her.”

Kurt laughed at Blaine’s eagerness, but he didn’t need to be asked twice to talk about his mother. They found a park bench and Blaine sat down with his legs crisscrossed on the bench, leaned his chin on his hand, and turned to Kurt as they talked. Kurt ended up telling him things he hadn’t talked about in years. How his mom taught him to cook and bake and how she always sang around the house. About her illness and how hard things were at first when it was just him and his dad.

“My dad didn’t know what to do, how to be a widower with a young son. It was rough, for a few weeks there it felt like I’d lost both of my parents. And then… one day he woke me up, brought me downstairs and said we were making pancakes the way we use to with mom… I don’t know, it was like something sparked in him and he knew he had to make us feel like a family again.” Kurt looked at Blaine’s golden eyes, calm and patient, not prying, but waiting for more. How was it that Blaine got him to admit things he didn’t normally say out loud? “He… he really is the best dad. He is the only reason the thought of going to New York next year scares me. I hate to leave him.”

“He has your stepmom now though, right?”

Kurt nodded and smiled thinking for Carole and his dad together. “Yes, and Finn.”

“He sounds like the kind of father who just wants you to be happy. And from what I’ve gathered… you aren’t really that happy here are you?”

“Yeah,” Kurt answered, and looked down to find their fingers had interlaced again. “I really want to get out of Lima.”

“Soon.”

“Soon.” Kurt agreed with a grin.

“And you’ll even have other friends in New York when you get there, right?

"Yes, Artie, a friend from Glee club, is there taking film classes. And my friend Rachel is there. I’ve been told she is the female version of me, but besides the fact that we are both perfectionists and fiercely competitive, I don’t really see it. Her sense of style is heartbreaking.”

Blaine laughed at that, “And yours is impeccable.”

“Clearly.”

They talked a little more about friends and New York and the fact that even though Blaine had met some people he really liked at NYU he hadn’t found any friends as close as those he had in high school. “I love being in New York,” Blaine said wistfully, “Don’t get me wrong I feel like it is where I belong… but this past year on my own has been a little lonely.”

“I can’t imagine you not making friends immediately everywhere you go.” Kurt teased. Blaine was so kind and personable and seemed like the kind of charmed person who could never really be alone, but that probably wasn’t fair. Even warm, approachable personalities must have a hard time really connecting with people sometimes.

“I’m not always as… open with people as I wish I was. It is easy to seem so cheerful that people assume you don’t need anyone. Does that make sense?”

Kurt nodded, his heart constricting at the thought of Blaine lonely in New York. “Yes, it does.” He squeezed Blaine’s hands, “I’m glad you are open with me.” Kurt couldn’t help himself, he leaned forward to place a quick peck to Blaine’s cheek, he wanted to do more than that, but they were still in Ohio and in a public place.

Blaine’s eyes widened and his cheeks flushed, “Yum… lunch, maybe?”

Kurt looked up at the sun high in the sky and realized they’d spent the whole morning talking. Kurt’s stomach growled at the mention of lunch and Blaine let out a low chuckle.

“Lunch would be great.”

They stopped at a little bistro to eat and ended up hogging their table and talking for hours. Kurt could honestly spend all day talking to Blaine… and doing other things with Blaine, Kurt thought as he watched Blaine’s eyes, and lips and perfect hands as he animatedly told a story. Memories from the night before flashed through Kurt’s mind. Yeah, there were other things Kurt wouldn’t mind doing with Blaine. To Blaine.

Kurt’s less than pure thoughts were interrupted when Blaine got a text. Blaine’s brow furrowed as he read it.

“Is everything okay?”

“It’s just Cooper.”

“Okay.” Kurt waited, seeing some kind of war going on behind Blaine’s eyes.

“Cooper and I… we are closer now than we use to be. Growing up I was sure he actually hated me.”

“Oh.” Kurt was surprised by that. Yes, there was a lot of teasing when they were with Cooper this morning, but to Kurt, it was obvious Cooper adored his little brother.

“It turns out he didn’t hate me, he was just being a teenaged jerk, and then my parents split up and in the past few years things between us have gotten a lot better…”

“But?”

“But I guess I still haven’t completely forgiven him for years of torment and neglect.” Blaine said with a sigh as if this was something he didn’t readily admit, “And now he is whining because I’ve been gone all day and I fly back to New York tomorrow and he says we haven’t spent any time together. Which is an exaggeration because we spent days together with mom before the wedding.”

Kurt’s heart sunk, both at the thought of Blaine leaving tomorrow and the idea that he’d kept him from spending time with his brother. “Maybe he wants time with just you?” Kurt suggested, even though he hated the idea of Blaine going home and their day together being cut short.

Blaine sighed, “Yeah, we really only see each other a few times a year.”

Kurt reached out and grabbed Blaine’s hand over the table, “You should go hang out with your brother.”

Blaine looked up from their clasped hands and shrugged, “But what if I’d rather spend the rest of the day with you?”

Kurt’s heart fluttered in his chest and it was everything in his power not to say, “Then you should do that.” Instead, he cleared his throat and looked down at his empty plate. “I would love that… but I would also feel awful about keeping you from your family.” He looked up again and met Blaine’s eyes, “Family is important and it seems like Cooper is trying.”

Blaine let out a huff and nodded, “Yes. I guess he is. And I was kind of short with him this morning.”

They were quiet for a moment, Blaine rubbing his thumb over the back of Kurt’s hand. “We still have the drive back to my house to pick up your car.”

“That’s true.”

“And when I get back to New York we can call each other, and Facetime.”

“We absolutely will.”

Blaine smiled and Kurt felt his heart skip a beat. They paid their server and got back to Blaine’s car. They’d talked none stop for hours, it was already after 3:00 pm, but now that their time together was nearing an end Kurt couldn’t think of a single thing to say.

Blaine had a playlist playing through the car speakers and Kurt almost sighed out loud when Frankie Valli’s voice cut through the silence.

“You’re just too good to be true I can’t take my eyes off you.”

Kurt glanced over to Blaine who was studiously watching the road ahead of him.

“You’d be like heaven to touch I wanna hold you so much.”

Blaine was like heaven to touch, Kurt knew from experience.

“At long last love has arrived, and I thank God I’m alive.”

For crying out loud! If Kurt wasn’t careful he was going to get overly emotional over saying goodbye to a man he’d known less than a week.

“Pardon the way that I stare. There’s nothing else to compare.”

Kurt forced himself to look away from Blaine. This was getting ridiculous.

“The sight of you leaves me weak. There are no words left to speak.”

Kurt accidentally let out an audible groan of frustration and blushed when Blaine glanced over at him. Blaine shot him a dazzling smile and when the chorus started to play Blaine pumped up the music and belted along, singing exaggeratedly.

“I love you baaaaby! And if it’s quite all right, I need you baby! To warm the lonely nights. I love you, baby. Trust in me when I saaaaay!”

Kurt couldn’t suppress his laughter and soon his melancholy mood evaporated as he joined in singing just as loud and obnoxiously.

“Oh, pretty baby! Don’t bring me down I pray. Oh pretty baaaaby. Now that I’ve found you stay. Oh pretty baby, Trust in me when I say it’s okaaay!”

The drive back to the Anderson’s home was short and by the time Blaine pulled into the driveway the song was fading out, they were both laughing, and Kurt felt much better.

Blaine turned off the engine and faced Kurt with a huge smile, “I do love singing with you.”

“Yeah, we were really good.” Kurt joked.

“Even when you’re being silly your voice is gorgeous,” Blaine looked Kurt in the eye and then quickly glanced down to his lips.

Kurt could only nod in response as Blaine leaned forward, his lips almost meeting Kurt’s before he stopped. It was a question, he was waiting for Kurt to close that space between them. Kurt took a breath, his heart pounding in his chest as he brought his lips to Blaine’s. The kiss was sweet and gentle, lips brushing against each other as Blaine reached up to cup the back of Kurt’s neck bringing him in even closer as the kiss built heat.

Kurt reached out for the front of Blaine’s shirt twisting his fingers in the fabric and pulling Blaine in. He gasped into the kiss as their chests met and Blaine half crawled over the gearshift and Kurt let himself fall backward, wedged between Baine’s body and the car door.

“God Kurt,” Blaine panted against his skin, “I just can’t get enough of you.”

Kurt let out what sounded like an almost hysterical laugh as he awkwardly shifted his body under Blaine’s so that his legs were on the driver’s seat while Blaine was laying over him. All while keeping his lips pressed to any part of Blaine’s skin - mouth, jaw, neck - he could reach. Kurt spread his hands over Blaine’s back as Blaine’s lips danced across his, and his hands found their way to Kurt’s hair.

This would be easier if they moved inside, but Blaine’s brother was there. It would be easier if they just moved into the backseat so the gearshift wasn’t jabbing into Kurt’s side, but he refused to do anything that might break the urgency of this moment. That same deep desire from the evening before heated Kurt’s blood, he wanted Blaine.

Kurt’s hands found their way under Blaine’s shirt and smoothed over his warm skin as Blaine moaned against him. “Fuck Kurt.”

Blaine’s swearing made Kurt’ head dizzy and he hooked a foot around Blaine’s leg and Blaine moved a hand from Kurt’s hair to start to try and unbutton the front of Kurt’s shirt. This was crazy! They were in the front seat of a car in the middle of the day! But Kurt didn’t care, he sucked gently against Blaine’s neck as he deftly undid Kurt’s buttons.

There was a tapping noise somewhere in the back of Kurt’s mind, but he ignored it as his hips shifted upwards against Blaine. But then there was the loud obvious sound of someone clearing their throat and a louder tap. Suddenly Blaine’s lips were gone and Kurt looked up at the window behind his head to see someone standing outside the car and tapping on the passenger-side window.

“Really Blaine?” A familiar voice called out, “Is this what you’ve been doing all this time? And in the bright light of day!”

Blaine groaned, “I am actually going to kill him. I’m serious, I’ll need your help burying the body.”

“I’m almost impressed with your audacity, Squirt. But let Kurt up for air.” The voice continued to call through the window.

Cooper. Kurt’s sluggish brain finally realized. Cooper Anderson was standing outside the car.

Blaine awkwardly moved off of Kurt, careful not to knee him. And Kurt hurriedly started to button his shirt and flatten down his hair. “Oh my god.”

“Cooper, you are dead!” Blaine shouted.

Cooper laughed, “At least bring it inside, I’m worried the neighbors will see.” He said and then walked back to the house with a shit-eating grin on his face.

Kurt was sitting up now, cheeks flushed and heart beating rapidly.

“I cannot believe he did that again.” Blaine sighed, but he seemed more embarrassed than actually angry.

“He was right though,” Kurt panted looking out and the pristine upper-class neighborhood Blaine’s mother lived in. “Anyone could have seen us.”

“Oh god,” Blaine ran a hand down his bright red face, “I am so sorry Kurt. I didn’t mean too… I would never purposely put you in a bad situation.”

“Blaine,” Kurt smiled and reached out to cup Blaine’s cheek, “It takes two to tango as they say. I was as much at fault here as you.”

Blaine smiled and chuckled before swooping in to place a soft kiss to Kurt’s cheek. He then turned and opened the door sliding out of the car. Kurt took another moment to straighten his shirt and smooth down his hair and Blaine walked to his side of the car and opened the door for him. Kurt hopped out, “You’re such a gentleman.”

“I wasn’t a few moments ago.”

Kurt felt his cheeks heat up, “Neither of us was.”

Blaine nodded towards his house, “Do you want to come in?”

“Yes.” Kurt glanced at the house longingly, he wanted more time together, and then back to Blaine, “But I really shouldn’t. You did come home to spend some time with your brother. And not kill him.”

Blaine chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck, “He was just looking out for us.”

“He was,” Kurt nodded. They stood there in silence for a moment neither seemingly knowing what to say next.

“I guess this is goodbye then?” Kurt finally spoke up his voice sounding small in his own ears.

“Oh,” Blaine’s face scrunched up in displeasure, “I don’t like that at all. How about we just say… ‘I’ll talk to you soon?”

Kurt felt a wide smile cross his face, “Yes. Much better. I’ll talk to you soon.”

Kurt leaned in for a quick hug and then turned to his car leaving before he couldn’t force himself to do so. From his car, he watched Blaine as he stood outside and waved to him. He stood outside until Kurt was down the street and couldn’t see the Anderson’s house anymore.

Kurt sighed and rubbed his forehead, a headache was coming on. What now? They would talk. Kurt knew they would. If Blaine didn’t call him tomorrow Kurt would definitely make that call himself. But then what? They lived and were both busy with school and separate lives six-hundred miles away from each other.

This may have been the best weekend Kurt had ever had. By far the best date… if you can call spending twenty-one straight hours together a date… Kurt had ever had. He was half in love with a man he’d just met and who lived in another state!

Kurt groaned and leaned his head against his steering wheel at a red light. What was he going to do?

Halfway home he found himself singing under his breath, “But if you feel like I feel, please let me know that is real. You’re just too good to be true, I can’t take my eyes off you.” He was so screwed. Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3

#klaine #klaine fic #my fic #fic: au #klaine fanfic

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maybrandon · 4 years ago

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Cho Ku Rei Reiki Symbol Easy And Cheap Tips

It is too close to personal changes through the right teacher and the power of Reiki training.Having had the opportunity to help my other dog Molly heal.Then the healer or the Distance healing in varying aspects of the body can result in aches and pains in different parts of the animal typically relaxes and may be one of them who are ill or mentally retarded feel more comfortable with the help of reiki studenthood, at the root of the others too to cover up from your system to adjust his or her own mother.We then discuss what it is essential to learn reiki, then read on about the effects of tragedies.

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How To Give Reiki To A Group

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Reiki Crystal Tree

Different types of diseases and disorders can be physical, such as exhaustion and nausea, ease stress, and allows the knees will easily fit under the dust of an individual, for different schools of thought in reiki treatment takes effect when a trained in massaging and also can do that over 1 million Americans used Reiki for life.The Western version of the group and convene regularly.Are you setting up your own Reiki practice.There are many genuine Reiki Masters might want to know if he stops and rest on your brow chakra.In fact, at this time cannot be bound even by mainstream medicine, and is directed by the National Institute of Health and the client and imagine the distance healing using power of universal energy this energy and the healer will begin to incorporate the art of Reiki therapy practice is dependent upon the nature and characteristics of the system of Reiki had been abused.

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#Cho Ku Rei Reiki Symbol Easy And Cheap Tips #Reiki Journey

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sesame-swims · 7 years ago

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what happened to basil?

A lot of you have been asking...

I put Basil down on October 2, 2017.

Below is the story and my reasoning, complete with x-rays.

I got Basil in mid-late October of 2016, but some of you may remember him from I post I made in late September. I had spotted him in my LFS and fell in love immediately.

This was the first picture I ever took of him.

After I moved in September of that year, I started thinking about getting a third fish. Things were going well with Sesame and Marmalade, but I was starting to think about sizing up. Sesame and Marmalade were hitting their 2nd year with me, and Sesame is a pretty large and active fish. As many of you know Marmalade is neither active nor especially large, so I was starting to wonder if Sesame wanted more active company. For that I’d need a larger tank.

At that exact moment a friend of mine sent me a text, saying that her mom was clearing out her garage and I could have her old 55g fish tank (complete with stand and lid and light fixture, might I add). I picked it up and started work on cleaning it out. Somehow I found myself back at the pet store, and he was still there! I impulse bought him and begged them to hold him for me until I could move everyone into the 55g and setup the old 29g as a qt. for him. He didn’t appear ill but he was having some floaty issues that he didn’t have the first time I saw him, and his gills also seemed really red at the time.

Long story short I rushed the process but was able to bring basil home!

His floaty issues never went away. He would frequently swim upside down or sideways, but he was still super active and always able to correct himself.

He fit in right away; totally hit it off with Sesame, didn’t pick on Marmalade at all (which I was afraid of) and was a super personable fish. He was perfect for me and my tank.

In like... maybe March or April at the latest I moved back in with my mom cause of some personal shit. Thankfully she let me bring my fish and cat, and after a pretty intense adjustment period everything was okay.

Then in August of this year, we had a couple really bad heat waves in Cali. My mom doesn’t like to use the a/c so the heat was making my fish visibly stressed. The last heatwave was very early in September and I don’t know if it was the heat or something in my tank or a combination, but overnight Basil stopped being able to swim.

It took me by surprise when I came home that day and he was doing a headstand at the bottom of the tank. It was even worse over the next couple days when he didn’t get better. That first week I did innumerable water changes, thinking maybe the stress of the heat and imperfect water was to blame. I kept my water immaculate for the next week and saw no change.

The week after that I treated him how I would treat Marmalade. As many of you know Marmalade has a pretty moderate swim bladder issue. Sometimes it’s more severe than others. I’ve gone over what I do for Marmalade a ton of times so I won’t go into too much detail, but basically I changed their diet up, gave him daily Epsom baths, continued keeping the water clean. At this point he was resting on his side instead of his head, and developed a pretty nasty sore on that side. I added melafix to the water and pressed on.

On week three I was sort of running out of hope. Marmalade would have improved by now. I started using frozen water bottles to lower the temp of the tank, which was still a bit warm despite the heat wave having passed. I also did a desperate round of prazi.

Basil physically appeared healthy despite the sore on his side. He was still eating and still moving his eyes and fidgeting here and there, but he had not made any improvements in his ability to swim. I looked around online and asked some trusted mutuals on fishblr, but no one really had anything to suggest. It was obviously an issue with the swim bladder at this point and not something else, but I didn’t want to give up on him.

I should note that I do not have any photos of him during this stage because it was extremely difficult for me to look at and experience. Just imagine him laying almost lifeless on his side, completely unable to swim or really even scoot around on the bottom, with a large sore on his side that extended from his lower abdomen to his eye.

I started entertaining the idea of euthanization.

I told myself that if I didn’t see any improvement in this last week that I would put him down. I figured his swim bladder must have collapsed and if that was the case there would be no improving. I couldn’t leave him like this, just waiting for something to happen that would make him sick enough to die.

After I had it set it my mind that I’d be putting him down by the end of the week, I started to panic. I had already done research on the vets in my area and there were none that practiced on fish of any kind. After a day or two of digging I got into contact with the director at the UC Davis Aquatic Animal Health center. He agreed with my diagnosis but told me I’d have to bring him in to be sure. He ran through a long list of things that could be causing the problems with the swim bladder, but we decided I would bring Basil in to do an x-ray. I was willing to pay for whatever needed to be done, but I admit that the initial estimate for Davis was a bit high. I made the appointment anyway, and was put on the phone with someone else in the Aquatics center.

They were much less optimistic.

While she did make the appointment for me, she told me she wasn’t sure they’d be able to even see my fish let alone do anything for him. Apparently, despite there being a fancy goldfish on their webpage, that center deals almost exclusively with koi and “pond varieties” (commons and other long-bodied goldfish I’m assuming). She said she’d call me back after consulting someone about whether or not my fish could be seen. After a bit of phone tag she finally got ahold of me to tell me that they do see fancy goldfish, but only by one specific person who only makes appointments once a MONTH- OR I could bring him in to their “emergency vet” and pay and extra 3-600 dollars just for him to be seen. Pair that with the impressive cost of an x-ray and whatever else needed to be done and... it was less than ideal.

Oh. And the October spot was already reserved.

So she gave me a long list of numbers of places to try who might be able to look at Basil. I called all of them and all except two don’t even see fish (thanks for wasting my time), and one of the two deals exclusively with koi. A bunch of them even scoffed at me and told me to call UC Davis............... I was annoyed to say the least. Anyway I left a message with my last hope, and got a call back the next day from an aquatic specialist working out of Slate Creek Animal Hospital in Placerville.

She sounded soooooo freaking hopeful. She told me she sees things like this all the time, that she could give him an injection that would re-inflate his swim bladder. She told me she’d treat his sore. She said there was so much hope for him and that she couldn’t wait to see him and that she was so glad I found her. It was cute hearing that familiar breath of relief when she heard he had adequate living conditions and that I knew what a water change was.

So I brought him in and... I’m gonna try and condense this part... but his vet visit wasn’t great.

This is Basil’s x-ray. I guess there’s supposed to be two parts of the swim bladder, and look a little more like this;

Unrelated but when I was doing research after this visit, I found another person on a forum who was having a similar problem to mine. Her fish’s x-ray looks almost identical to Basil’s.

The vet sort of just repeated to me everything I already knew. How the history of fancy goldfish and unethical breeding brought us to this point. How horribly compacted his organs are, how she won’t be able to re-inflate that portion of his swim bladder cause she can’t see it and she’s not even sure if he ever had it. She couldn’t give me a reason or even a guess why that happened to him so suddenly. She tested for excess fluid in his liver, she put a little more air or whatever into his swim bladder but told me it wasn’t her best idea because she thought it looked a little over-inflated as is. She put some kind of cream on his sore and spoke extremely highly of me and my water quality because his sore was not infected.

It sounds like a good visit but it was extremely overwhelming and devastating to see him in that bucket covered in cream. She kept pulling him in and out of the water and I just feel like.... it must have been so scary.

In the end she didn’t really do anything for him, but praised herself for making him feel “more comfortable.” I admitted to her that I thought of putting him down and she shamed me excessively. Telling me again and again that if you could ask him if he wanted to die today he would say “no.” She’d follow it up, though, by saying that there was nothing we could do for him except make him “more comfortable.”

Anyway if you couldn’t tell she kinda pissed me off. I know she did what she could and I don’t regret the visit, because it just kind of confirmed for me what I already knew. At least I wasn’t wrong, you know? At least I didn’t miss some totally curable thing and put him down for no reason.

I brought him home on a Wednesday and he was sitting on his belly instead of his side, for a bit. (his sore was on the other side)

But before the week was out he was back on his side, and had started to pinecone. I put him down that Monday with clove oil. It was peaceful, and we buried him beneath my tree.

Some of you might not agree, but I regret not putting him down sooner. He suffered with me for almost five weeks, when after week 2 I knew it was over. I’m glad to be able to say I did everything I could for him, but I wish I could have spared him the needless torment.

I’m still a bit scatterbrained over the whole situation, and I’m not sure how much this long post makes sense. But I hope this clears up “what happened to Basil?” so that I can..... stop talking about it.

#mine6741 #goldfish #sick fish #fishblr #aquablr #vet #x-ray

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scottrunsultras · 7 years ago

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Javelina Jundred Recap - my first belt buckle

For now I’m just going to paste in the recap that I sent to my coaches. So there’s some extra emphasis on what I did wrong - especially similar nutrition issues that I had in Leadville. Luckily I learned some things and was able to handle it a little better this time.

I’ll probably add some more commentary over the next few days. I also have some pictures and videos that I’ll try to do something with. But for now, here’s the summary:

I'll just give you the full recap. There's probably something in there that I didn't think was a big deal but that you have some concerns or thoughts about.

I guess I'll start with the week leading up. I told you guys that I felt really good at the beginning of the week - that running felt easy, etc. That wasn't really the case on race day, despite being 4000 feet lower than Boulder. I didn't sleep much before the race - just a few restless 30-60 minute chunks throughout the night. But that's pretty normal. I slept a ton Thursday night at the hotel in Tucson (9 hours). That's probably the best I've ever done pre-sleeping for a race. But I didn't feel super great on Friday. I had a sore throat all day and felt kind of weak. I kept telling myself that it was just the dry air. But I may have caught something minor. It definitely seemed that way in the first loop of the race.

Since the first half of this story will talk a lot about eating and nutrition: my breakfast was some granola cereal and a banana. I planned to start eating every 30 minutes once the race started, so I didn't eat too much before. A bit of a slow start to the race. It was basically a conga line for the first few miles. I tried to embrace being forced to start easy. Since I was going so slowly and I was at such low altitude, I ran the uphills. But I confirmed that I just wasn't running very strong on the downhill coming out of Jackass Junction. That was by far the easiest section of the course and I was still running it in the 9:00's. A minute per mile slower than I would expect obviously isn't a huge deal in the big scheme of things, but it's a very clear indicator to me that I didn't really have my A game. I was running the early downhills in Leadville comfortably in the 7:00's.

It started getting hot in a hurry. I maybe had a comfortable first hour, an okay second hour, and by the 3rd hour it was getting uncomfortable. I kept eating about 130 calories every 30 minutes and filling my water pack with ice at every aid station. I also drank some gatorade at every aid station. I wrapped up the 22 mile first loop a little under 4 hours and spent probably 15 minutes or so at basecamp with my crew getting re-taped and making sure I had everything I needed. It was super hot at this point and I was already feeling like I was overheating. And I was already feeling nauseous. The wheels started coming off as soon as I started the second loop. This section was not difficult at all and I had already faded into the 12:00's on my pace. And I was already hiking the mild, super smooth uphills back into Jackass Junction. At this point I was struggling to eat much of anything and was getting nearly all of my calories from gatorade. I had a handheld with me that I was filling up at the aid stations, but the ice was diluting it so much that there just weren't a lot of calories in there. I was also getting massively dehydrated by this point.

One of the lessons that I learned at Leadville was that there's only so much I can force my body to do at one time. So I figured that the number 1 priority was forward progress - even if slow. Number 2 was trying to keep liquids down. By this time I was too dehydrated to even sweat and any liquid that wasn't ice-cold made me gag. But I did everything I could to keep drinking gatorade when I had it and sip water when I didn't. Pretty far down on the list of priorities was eating. Dense, sweet food was over at this point. I had a tiny bit of success with salty snacks (pretzels, cheetos). I could stomach maybe 1 peanut butter pretzel nugget or 2-3 cheetos every 15-30 minutes. A sad lack of calories, but they were at least something and they had some salt in them.

I made a pretty comical error (i can laugh about it now at least) at about the 50k mark. At this point I'd been sick for long enough that I figured it was worth trying the anti-nausea meds that my ortho gave me. I was going super slow and I figured that if I could only feel a little better then I could at least start slow-jogging again. So I took a Zofran tablet and tried to dissolve it on my tongue - which took forever because my body couldn't muster up any saliva. Apparently Zofran works by blocking seratonin. The same seratonin that regulates mood. Long story short, it didn't help my nausea at all. But it almost instantly increased my level of completely hopelessness about 10 fold. I texted my wife that I felt hopeless and that I wasn't sure if I could or should keep going.

The hike down to Coyote Camp was some of the worst I've ever felt in a race. I wasn't puking, but I felt psychologically worse than when I was puking and dragging myself up Hope Pass at Leadville. I sat at the aid station for about 25 minutes, just staring at the dirt. I drank a lot of water as soon as I got there, then tried to slowly get something salty into my stomach. I ended up keeping down some pretzels and pickle juice in addition to a fair bit of water. And sitting in the shade helped me cool down a little. I felt my most sick at this point, but I was only 4 miles from headquarters so once I pulled myself back together a little, I got back going. Another thing that I learned at Leadville was the value of giving my body time to process what I was giving it. So I was super careful at times when I was sick to walk to give my body time to digest food or absorb liquids. At my worst, I'd walk for 1-1.5 miles after every aid station to make sure that whatever I just ate would stay down. So while it was extra slow, it kept me from throwing up.

Mile 38 was my long aid station break. At around 39 I started feeling a little better. And I decided at this point that if I actually did have an illness, I could maybe help myself run through it better if I took advil. The Zofran wore off and I finally started feeling energetic at mile 41, which was the first mile in probably 5 hours that I ran in its entirety. I ran the basecamp loop in the 7:00's knowing that I could sit with my crew afterwards and try to get it back together.

I don't remember eating much during this break between loops. But my wife got me an Italian Ice, which was awesome. And I reloaded on the good gatorade (the blue stuff, the lemon flavored stuff at the aid stations wasn't doing it for me). Loop 2 took me more than 6 hours. It was absolute misery from start to finish and it was pretty hard to get excited when I still had 3 loops left. But the good news was that I only had 2 hours of sunlight left. So if I was finally going to start feeling better, it was going to be soon. I also decided to ditch my trail shoes and try my road shoes for the next loop. I felt like the added cushioning was more valuable than the added traction and rock plate. There's only 2 miles of meaningful rocks per loop. I'm glad I did it.

I had a couple stretches of easy running heading back to Coyote Camp. This time I spent less than 5 minutes at the aid station. And by the time I got to the top of the 2 mile rocky section immediately after coyote, the sun was setting. My stomach still wasn't feeling great at this point, but it was good enough to consistently nibble on salty snacks. And I was able to start easy running the easier sections of trail. I hit the desert disco party (jackass junction) at mile 52 with the sun fully down. I still wasn't totally sure what to do about eating because I'd been sick for so long, so I kept it pretty conservative.

After grabbing some colder weather layers and making a quick stop at the photo booth, I headed back out to the easiest section of the course, and was actually somewhat able to take advantage of it. I wasn't running fast at all, but I was able to string together some consistency. I put together a handful of 12:00-13:00 minute miles coming back into headquarters. Elli brought me pizza at headquarters. I was a little hesitant at first since I'd spent most of the day trying to keep myself from puking. And because I ate pizza at the half way point of Leadville and we saw how that worked out. But holy crap was it good. And after 12 hours of feeling sick, I felt like I was finally able to eat normally again.

I made a pretty strange push back up the hill to start loop 4. Again, i t wasn't fast. I was leaned over and shambling 13:00-14:00 minute miles, but it was better than hiking and I was at mile 67 before the pizza rush wore off and gave way to more nausea. I think I made a mistake by not continuing to eat regularly while I was feeling good. So I ended up having to hike the last 3 mile climb back into jackass junction. But with that lesson learned, I settled onto a routine of eating a little bit every mile. Pretzels, cheetos, or sun chips. Just a few bites every mile and hopefully something more interesting at every aid station. I kept that routine until the end of the race. I got into headquarters a little after 3:00 am feeling pretty tired but mostly okay. My wife joined me as my pacer for the last loop. She doesn't run or do much of anything intentionally athletic or fitness related. But she's on her feet all day at work, so she was confident that she could hike me in. I was super dreading the sun coming back up. But at this point there was no way that we could finish in the dark. So the goal was to finish before 9:00 am. I followed the eating routine (a little bit every hour and whatever looked good at aid stations) and tried to run anything that looked easy - which wasn't much at this point - I was tired. I started getting really weary around mile 85 - just tired of being out there and doing this same loop. They had the best pancakes ever for breakfast at jackass junction (mile 91) so I had about 4 of those. And with that final food boost, we tried to actually make decent time on the easy 5 mile downhill into Rattlesnake Ranch.

We tried to consistently walk a quarter mile and run the rest. It started a little slow, but we had a couple of miles in there with a pace in the 10:00's during the running section. That 5 miles was pretty damned good for being in the mid 90's, but it took pretty much all of the energy I had left. And my non-runner pacer was starting to struggle, too. So for the last 3.5 or so to the finish we just did whatever we could to run anything. Even .1 at a time. And after 26.5 hours, I was done. And I had this super strange feeling of not knowing what to do anymore when I didn't have to keep moving. But yeah, it was over and we made it in well before 9:00 am.

Not mentioned above, I ate some salt tablets at various points as well and stuck to a fairly disciplined timer with caffeine and advil. The advil actually did make me feel a little stronger. It sucks to come down with something the day before the hardest thing I've ever done. But it obviously could have been much worse than a mild cold. I also took tylenol at about mile 80 when I blister popped on one of my toes. I was worried that it was going to make the last 20 miles miserable, but after a couple of miles it went numb and I forgot about it.

I didn't have any meaningful pain in my ankle or heels. No connective tissue pain at all really after some weird, temporary knee pain around mile 20. just muscles and soft tissue. So I can't really complain at all about that. After finally sleeping, I'm starting to dissect a little to figure out how this could have somehow been sub 24:00. I obviously still have a lot to figure out about nutrition. Eating salty snacks ended up working pretty well for the second half of the race. I also had a bag of toffee cashews that I mixed in every once in a while. But we're probably talking 1000 total calories of snack food + gatorade that kept me going for the better part of 75 miles of the race. After 3 clif bars in the first 4 hours, I think I ate 4 or 5 gu's total and didn't touch any of the other food I brought except for the snack food and aid station food.

According to Strava, I spent more than 3 hours not moving. That doesn't seem completely accurate, but I did probably spend close to 2 hours at aid stations/headquarters. I'm okay with that, because if I hadn't done that - especially during the hot part of the day - and I started throwing up, I'm not sure if I would have finished.

I could stand to gain a lot more raw leg strength. I think more leg strength would have automatically just meant running 1-2 minutes faster per easy mile. I had no idea what to expect of miles 60-100. It seems totally insane when your training long run is 26 miles. And I had a major physical drop-off after 20 or so when I transitioned from what my body was used to into what it wasn't used to. But "running" in the second half of the race (once it cooled down and I felt better) was still totally possible and not all that hard if the terrain cooperated. With stronger legs and more experience, those 12:00's could probably have been 10:00's.

The more I think about it, the more I feel like I need to train myself to better handle difficult circumstances and climate. The heat of Javelina and the elevation of Leadville shouldn't be causing me to fold like this. The winner lives in Savannah and probably thought a dry 90 degrees was a cake-walk. I never had a problem eating in races when I lived in South Carolina and did all of my training runs in 80-90 degree weather with 100% humidity. Something I'll have to think about for the next time I'm ultra training. Despite any second guessing, I'm really happy about this. Fighting through the added difficulty makes it feel more like redemption from crumbling in Leadville. If it wasn't a struggle it probably wouldn't mean as much. Thanks again for the coaching over the last 5 months. Hopefully if I ever do another 100 I can focus on things like heat acclimation and fat adaptation instead of just making it through without debilitating pain. I'm glad I have the experience now to know what it's like late in a long race. This is going to make any race 100k or shorter seem a lot easier from now on. Time for a few months off.

#Runner #running #runblr #runblog #trail running #ultra running #javelina jundred

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newstfionline · 7 years ago

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How to Maintain Friendships

By Anna Goldfarb, NY Times, Jan. 18, 2018

Age and time have a funny relationship: Sure, they both move in the same direction, but the older we get, the more inverse that relationship can feel. And as work and family commitments take up a drastically outsize portion of that time, it’s the treasured friendships in our life that often fade.

A recent study found that the maximum number of social connections for both men and women occurs around the age of 25. But as young adults settle into careers and prioritize romantic relationships, those social circles rapidly shrink and friendships tend to take a back seat.

The impact of that loss can be both social and physiological, as research shows that bonds of friendship are critical to maintaining both physical and emotional health. Not only do strong social ties boost the immune system and increase longevity, but they also decrease the risk of contracting certain chronic illnesses and increase the ability to deal with chronic pain, according to a 2010 report in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior.

“In terms of mortality, loneliness is a killer,” said Andrea Bonior, the author of “The Friendship Fix.”

We don’t have to go out and spend every minute of every day with a rotating cast of friends, Dr. Bonior said. Rather, “It’s about feeling like you are supported in the ways that you want to be supported,” she added, and believing that the connections you do have are nourishing and strong.

An estimated 42.6 million Americans over the age of 45 suffer from chronic loneliness, which significantly raises their risk for premature death, according to a study by AARP. One researcher called the loneliness epidemic a greater health threat than obesity.

Most people aren’t aware that friendships are so beneficial: “They think of it as a luxury rather than the fact that it can actually add years to their life,” Dr. Bonior said.

The good news is that keeping cherished friendships afloat doesn’t need to be a huge time commitment. There are several things you can do to keep a bond strong even when your to-do list is a mile long.

Communicate expectations: Miriam Kirmayer, a therapist and friendship researcher, suggests being clear about your limits when you’re feeling frenzied.

“If there are certain days or weeks where you are going to be less available, giving your friend a heads up can go a long way toward minimizing misunderstandings or conflicts where somebody feels left out or like they’re being ignored,” she said.

Tell your friends how long you expect to be off the radar, how to communicate with you best during this time (“I’m drowning in emails; texts are better!”), and when your schedule is expected to go back to normal.

Nix ‘I’m too busy’ … You might be booked from dusk until dawn, but without giving your friend context, that phrase “I’m too busy” can feel like a blowoff.

“When we hear somebody say, ‘I’m too busy,’ we don’t actually know if that is true for just their lives at this time, or if that’s their way of not really valuing us or wanting to spend time with us,” said Shasta Nelson, the author of “Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness.”

“Therefore, the friendship often just dies, not from lack of anything wrong or anybody even necessarily wanting it to die, but just simply chaotic lives and a lot of distance gets put in there,” she said.

Instead of offering vague, blanket statements about your bustling schedule, qualify your busyness: “I’m busy for the rest of the month,” or “I’m tied up until the end of the year.” Then make a counter offer. If you can’t meet face-to-face anytime soon, suggest a phone date, Skype session, or other way to connect so your friend doesn’t feel abandoned.

… Then examine your busyness: If you find yourself telling longtime pals you’re too snowed under to connect, it’s time to look at how you truly spend your time.

“If you can find the time to binge-watch TV shows and check Facebook a million times a day,” said Carlin Flora, the author of “Friendfluence: The Surprising Way Friends Make Us Who We Are,” “you can make time for your friends.”

Dr. Bonior agrees: “When you feel like you can’t squeeze in a book club or brunch or happy hour, pedicures or whatever it is, maybe assess a little bit more. Like, ‘O.K., well, how am I spending my time, and might there be a window in some of that time that actually allows for a real phone call or a walk around the block at lunch with one of my co-workers that I really like or whatever it might be?”

The author Laura Vanderkam credits tracking her time for helping her banish her “I’m too busy” mind-set. In making detailed notes on how she allotted her energy for a year, she found that “the stories I told myself about where my time went weren’t always true.” She suggests using an Excel spreadsheet with half-hour increments to track the day and using the Toggl app, for starters.

Once a clearer picture emerges of how one chooses to spend their time, it becomes possible to make positive, thoughtful changes.

Personal, small gestures are the way to go: Tailored, thoughtful text messages are a low-effort way to keep up connections when you’re short on time. The key is to share little bits of information about your day that your friend couldn’t glean from your Instagram feed or Snapchat story.

Ms. Kirmayer suggests making messages as personal as possible to show somebody you’re thinking about them.

“So remembering obviously big life events--things like birthdays are a given--but also maybe smaller things like: They had a doctor’s appointment coming up or you know they were going to have a stressful day at work and kind of checking in to see how it went,” she said. “Even a quick text message can go a long way.”

Ask questions that invite reveals (“How was your vacation? How’s your new job going?”) and avoid statements (“I hope you’re having a great day!” or “You’re in my thoughts”), which don’t tend to prompt meaningful back-and-forth exchanges.

Cultivate routines: Having a regular hang with your closest confidants can take the guesswork out of scheduling quality time.

“It might sound like you’re not aiming very high if you’re only going to see certain friends once a year, but if you have an annual barbecue or Memorial Day party or something, where it’s kind of a guarantee you’ll see certain friends,” Ms. Flora said, “that’s actually much better than kind of leaving it up to two people haggling over schedules.”

Another idea is multitask to combine your errands with some valuable BFF facetime. Ask a friend to come to your favorite spin class, join your book club or accompany you to a volunteer gig.

“The more things you can do together, potentially the more often you’ll be able to see each other,” Ms. Kirmayer said. “These repeated interactions are so important for keeping a friendship going.”

Come through when it counts: Another way to cement longstanding friendships when things are hectic is to go out of your way to attend any milestone events--fly in for the baby shower, attend the 40th birthday party, make an appearance at the retirement party. Just show up. There aren’t too many chances to make an impact in someone’s life, but if you move mountains and carve out time for your friend’s event, it’ll sustain a friendship for a long time.

“Once in a while, do a big gesture to those friends who you really, really care about and then that will kind of power the friendship for a while, even if you’re too busy to see each other,” Ms. Flora said. Being that person who comes through will “make that person feel loved and taken care of even if you’re not in constant contact.”

Ms. Nelson also suggests being aware of the three areas to measure and evaluate a functional friendship. The first area is positivity: laughter, affirmation, gratitude and any acts of service. The second is consistency, or having interactions on a continual basis, which makes people feel safe and close to each other. The third is vulnerability, which is the revealing and the sharing of our lives.

“Any relationship that doesn’t have those three things isn’t a healthy friendship,” Ms. Nelson said. If you’re noticing a cooling with a friend, usually one of these areas needs special consideration.

Knowing what makes a friendship tick is important because it allows us to be more effective, especially when time is in short supply. “Obviously we wouldn’t want a friendship to live on text messages, but it can certainly survive hectic times if we know where to put our energy,” Ms. Nelson said.

Acknowledge efforts made: While the energy expended to keep contact going may not always be equal, it’s important to be mindful of the attempts your friends make to connect. Reach out to nip resentment in the bud.

“If one person is consistently or chronically putting in more effort, issues can come up,” Ms. Kirmayer said. “Let your friend know that it means so much to you that they’re checking in so often and that you really appreciate it.”

She also recommends piping up if the balance feels off: “If you want them to kind of tone it down a little bit because you’re not able to respond all the time, you can say you feel really bad that you’re not able to get back to them all the time.” Addressing friends’ bids for attention can mean the difference between having a dear friendship flourish or fade during a frantic time.

“Most people just want to know they’re loved and thought of,” Ms. Nelson said. “If we can, like, give that validation and affirmation rather than just dismissing and saying we’re too busy, if we can kind of combine those things, most people understand and will still feel loved during that time.”

#friends #friendships #social connections

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flowerboymoongirl · 5 years ago

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What are the Odds? 2.

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Summary: Tom Holland accidentally adds you to his friends list, and when you hit him up about about it you think that’s gonna be the end of that. Simple. But Tom does the complete opposite. Let the social media flirting begin.

Warnings: some cursing, bad flirting, annoying brothers.

Word count: 2898

A/N: Thought this chapter was long but once I finished it I felt like it wasn’t, so be prepared for longer chapters, which I hope ya’ll are ok with lol. I have a lot of details in my mind for their specific dynamic together along with relationships of the other characters so im glad ill be able to put most of those details into the upcoming chapters. enjoy.

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So about the whole, ‘I’m gonna tell him’ thing you told the roomies.

That... is easier said than done. Watching a celebrity’s private social media page is wrong, but also really interesting. Like those “CELEBRITIES! THEY’RE JUST LIKE US!” articles in those trashy magazines that you use to skim through at the grocery store while your mom did her shopping. Most days, Tom posted what you would deem ‘normal people activities.’ Him walking his dog in the morning. Him having a beer with who you assumed were his roommates. Him leaving his clean laundry on a chair in his room for a few days and then posting about his guilt for doing it. We’ve all been there. But then, he would also post things that you were sure was on the invasion of privacy range you were crossing. He had posted going out to restaurants or clubs that were super exclusive a few times, him drinking with his friends which lead to drunk Instagram stories, (once again, we’ve all been there) or he’d post gym selfies or his outfit of the day, which like, how were you suppose to deny yourself that?

But overall, he seemed like he tried to live as normal a life as possible, and was pretty down to earth for the most part. Which made you feel bad for being so nosey in his life. He obviously wanted privacy, and here you were watching all of his private stories meant for his friends and family. You could practically hear Zoë telling you how you should’ve figured out how to unlink yourself from that list two weeks ago when she told you to. It was exhausting sometimes how often Zoë was right.

Which lead you to finally telling yourself that the next time he posted something you would message him about the mixup and then carry on with your life like you weren’t bummed to not be able to watch Spider-Man’s day to day activities. You needed to get a better hobby.

“Earth to y/n, are you in there??“ Kevin said as he waved his hand infront of your face.

“Isn’t it time for you to go to work? I thought maybe you fell asleep at the dining table for again, until I noticed your eyes were open.” You glanced at the clock. 3:30am. Waking up for the 4am opening shift for work was the worst.

“Uh, yeah. I was totally spacing, guess I’m still just tired.” You said while you grabbed your jacket and keys.

“Don’t fall asleep on the way to work please?” He said while we followed you to the door to lock it.

“I won’t, don’t worry Kev.”

“Alright, later boooo”

You gave Kevin a smile and a wave and walked down the hall to the elevator to get to your car. You were lucky you didn’t live far from the bakery and your coworkers didn’t ever mind if you were late, they all understood that while whole morning shift was the shift to have, it could be hard getting up in the morning. Your drive to work was quick since there was no traffic that early in the morning and when you parked you saw your coworkers getting out of their cars as well. Perfect timing. You said your hellos to the group as you all walked inside and walked to your stations to start the day. You all shared the big back room of the bakery but all had your own little corners with your things. Your corner you had just started to decorate and you had really started to feel like it was your own cute little corner. You had a dozen random colored aprons from your friends/family that you worked in hung up nicely on the walls, a few pictures of you and the roommates on your summer trip to Rosario last summer, love notes left from Theo and Zoë when they came in and you couldn’t go out to make them their coffees because the back was crazy. It still could use a couple more pictures to fill the space but at the moment it was cute enough for you. You smiled while you put your keys and your purse into your locker underneath it and pulled out your phone to put into your apron when you decided a quick look through your social media’s before starting the shift would be needed.

Theo had already sent you posts to look at on insta and it seemed like Kevin had mentioned you on twitter before he went to bed when you left. You opened your Instagram after you tied your apron on and low and behold, Tom was on the top of the page. he had the newest Instagram story of everyone you followed.

Guess we’re doing this early, you though in your head. You sighed while you clicked the profile and thought about how you were gonna message him and not seem weird. Hopefully it wasnt a gym selfie or a shirtless picture because that would be too awkward to follow with a message. Hey, I noticed you aren’t wearing a shirt and that I do not know you. Hope you’re doing well.

But it wasn’t a shirtless selfie. He had posted a picture of a very sad looking round of dough in a bowl. “Attempt #3 to this whole baking thing, my pizza dough doesn’t seem to be rising 🤨” he had written underneath it. You clicked to the next slide. Same sad looking round of dough.

“Been two hours, and not any growth. Someone help me 😐” was written in red. Homie was basically begging for your help. This was also a way to sneak in the “hey I dunno you but you added me, no problem to I’ll just let myself out haha🙂” that you were looking for. Realistically, this was your opening for you to casually let the guy know the mistake and roll out looking like a normal human being and help him make pizza. Foolproof. You hit the message button and began to type.

Hey. I think you added me to your close friends list on accident? While I do know how to to make a mean pizza, not sure we know eachother irl haha. As for your dough, if you added yeast to your dough and it’s still not rising, your yeast might be dead 😕 could be expired yeast, or the water you used for the recipe was too hot and killed the yeast. just switch out to warm water instead if that’s the case. Hope It helps!

After reading it a couple times and deciding it didn’t sound too cringe, you sent it.

“There. I did it. Back to our regularly scheduled program.” You told yourself and started your morning setup for the day. As you started to get into the groove of the day time seemed to have a mind of its own and before you knew it, it was time for your lunch break. You were ready for a break after running from the front and back of the house continuously to help with customer service and coffees when needed, and then running back to finish off baking your breakfast items for the day. You had left a water bottle and some leftovers from dinner the day before in the communal lunchrooms fridge and had made your way to the back to get it. Fishing out your phone from your pocket, the screen illuminated and you noticed some notifications pop up. The roommate group text had left a whopping 12 text messages, the apartment had awakened you joked to yourself. Some snapchats from friends and from an ex-boyfriend you weren’t sure you even wanted to open, notifs that your tweet was retweeted a couple times, 2 message notifications from TomHoll-

“OH SHIT!” You yelled as you dropped your food container and almost your phone on the ground. He wrote back. HE WROTE BACK HE WROTE BACK HE WROTE BACK. TWICE?! WHY TWICE?! You wanted to hide, but why it’s not like he could see you through the screen. Why did you out yourself again?! What was the reason you snitched in yourself?! From the notifications details it had looked like he had written you once two hours ago and then another time 46 minutes ago. You wanted to open it but you also wanted to log off of Instagram forever and pretend you weren’t who you were. You screenshotted your notifications just as evidence for yourself that this was really happening and then decided to quit being such a wimp and open the damn messages. There was a green dot on the bottom of his profile picture before you opened his messages. He’s online right now. Great. Totally awesome. He probably sees I’m online too. I’m fucked, you thought in your head. You opened the message convo.

Hey, totally sorry about that, my brother must have added you when he started the group for me, hope my random stories didn’t bother you too much 😅 and thanks for the tips, think it could have been that the water I added was much too hot, maybe fourth times the charm haha. x

and the last message

started over (again) on my dough and added warm (not hot) water instead like you said and I think she’s alive! She seems a bit dry in the bowl but she is growing, so thanks again. I just may have a veggie supreme pizza in my future 😊 x

You were shook. Okay he was a normal person, you knew that. But to write you twice and thank you? And to be so casual about it even though he totally didn’t know you. He was super nice about it and then thanked you like you weren’t snooping on his life for the last 3 weeks. He was much too nice, and he wrote back twice to update you, it seemed rude to not write back now. You double tapped the last message and decided to just keep it to the pizza at hand and keep it short and sweet. Play it COOOL BITCH!

No worries, thought I’d let ya know. You can punch down the dough and spray it with a mist of water, should bring her back to life. Longer you let it proof the more flavor it’ll have, so don’t worry about deflating it. Do put a wet rag over the bowl to help keep your dough moist though, it’ll help it grow if the towel if warm too btw. I wish you luck in getting that (pizza) bread 🍕🍞

“Get that pizza bread? Ugh, why am I like this?” You said as you contemplated telling your roommates. Last time you told them about it they totally did a 180 on what you thought they would say, so maybe this time you should just keep this weird bread conversation with a well known actor to yourself. This was probably the end of it anyways, he’d finish his pizza and go back to not knowing who you were. Though you did worry about if he had sneaked a look at your page when he got your message and seen all of your posts, that you were highly critical of at the moment. A lot of questionable posts now that you though about it. If you were him, you would have clicked on the page almost immediately to get a look at the person snooping on your life.

When he first got the message he was confused as to who it would be, he didn’t recognize the photo or the username. And then he read the message and realized he didn’t recognize it because he did not know this girl.

“Harry you absolute div.” he muttered to himself while he jumped onto her page. Harry had told him he’d make him a close friends list like he had for his page since Tom wasn’t that great at Instagram, and in the process he seemed to have added this girl on accident. He had hoped she wasn’t someone shady and he thought back to some of the things he had recently posted and cringed. There was no new gossip or media info as of late leaking about him in the tabloids so it seemed like this girl didn’t run to press with all of his private stories. He had been drunk one too many times on that close friends group that she could have easily screen recorded and sent out to daily mail or whatever shit tabloid would pay for it.

He scrolled down to look at her pictures.

Cute girl.

American girl, a California girl to be exact. Not LA but San Diego. LA girls were a different breed and a no-no in his experience but this girl wasn’t a LA girl. Her pictures were too casual for that. Picture of her and her friends at a bar, picture of her and her dog walking on the beach, picture of her at what looked to be her job;a bakery. A mirror picture in some badly lighted bar restroom with a friend, both with smiles on their faces and a drink in their hands. She was wearing a a yellow floral wrap summer dress with a pair of wayfarer styled reading glasses. Even in the dingy mirror and the bad bar bathroom lighting she was attractive and seemed laid back. He had already written back to her to say sorry but now here he was on her page looking at her pictures, hoping he didn’t accidentally double tap anything. He had remade his pizza dough the way she suggested and now it was growing, surely it wouldn’t be bad if he wrote to her once more to let her know it worked? He sent another message and tried to work on some emails his publicist had begged him to look into while he messaged Harry on Instagram.

You added a random girl on my close friends list ya div. poor girls probably seen me drunk atleast a handful of times. 😑

Harry immediately typed back.

...but is she cute bruv? send me the username if so, your chance is ruined but I could make a move 👀

He ran a hand through his hair and thought of all the ways to insult his younger brother when the alert of another message came in. She had written back with a corny ‘get that bread joke’ with the emoji and all. He smiled and double tapped her reply. She had a cute personality. He went back to his drying out dough and reworked it as said and followed her instructions once again. He was feeling bold, so he decided to write her again.

Honestly, what would I have done without you today? You saved me with your baking skills and for that I am eternally grateful. Will possibly send you a picture of the final pizza pie once Its finished. 👨🏻‍🍳 x

It immediately had the words ‘seen’ written underneath his message and his eyes widened. She double tapped the message and was writing back, so he quickly jumped out of the message. He didn’t want her to know he was sitting there waiting for a response to his bad lowkey flirting, that would just be embarrassing. Maybe it wasn’t so bad though, that his dumb little brother had accidentally added her, he had thought to himself as her message appeared.

Sounds good Gordon. Or Mr.Ramsey, my apologies.

He smiled when he read the message and you yourself had a smile on your face after sending it. Very cheeky, you thought. You couldn’t help but laugh to yourself about the situation you had just put yourself in. You just had a message conversation with Tom and you actually kept your chill and didn’t make that much of a fool of yourself. He probably couldn’t even tell you were having a mental breakdown from him writing to you. As you got back into the groove of work it seemed as though the rest of your work shift went by just as quick as the beginning of the day from how busy the bakery had been, and now you had just cleaned up and hopped back into your car to go home. Theo had texted you asking what you wanted for dinner and you had just texted him back when you got an another message alert from your phone. It was a picture. It was his finished produced, all baked and pretty, veggie supreme like he had said. It looked as though he has even brushed the crust with olive oil, bonus points for that.

“The finished product, tastes as good as she looks 🍕🤤” he had sent to you. Just you. Tastes....as good as she looks.....LOL.

“You could say that again Spidey.” You said while you put your seatbelt on and turned on your car. You liked the picture and saw he had yet another story on his page. You clicked it. It was a boomerang of him pulling a slice from the whole pie to bring to his mouth, a picture worthy melty cheese stretch and all combined with him looking just as good as the pizza. “Call me Gordon👨🏻‍🍳🍕” it was captioned. It was posted on his close friends list this time and you couldn’t help but notice, you were still on that list.

#tom holland x reader #tom holland x you #tom holland x y/n #tom holland fic #tom holland fanfiction #fan fiction #chapter 2 #what are the odds #fic #fanfic #th x you

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sparklemybuttercream-blog · 8 years ago

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One Night Stand - Jack & Conor Maynard Imagine

A/N- the reader is jack twin/conor sister, think shes pregnant after having a one night stand with joe? and she goes to josh because she knows her brothers will get angry, josh and her go and get a test unaware that fans are actually following them / they posts pictures on twitter, they get back to the apartment and jack pushes josh up against the wall shouting at him, y/n tells them the truth there and then?

Long story short, the boys invited me on a night out which i happily accepted. I’m a Maynard, what do you expect? The night was going great, loads of drinks, dancing all fun and games until the next morning when i woke up in someone else’s bed.. not along might i add. Taking a look around i instantly knew where i was as i had been there a few times to film videos. Joe has always been a good friend to me, i could pretty much say i was the closest to him out the rest (a part from Josh, i was very close to him too) but it wasn’t close enough for a relationship. By the looks of it we both had too many drinks as none of us was clothed. After we both processed what happened, we ended up laughing about it and promised not to bring it up around the others, but that had to change a month later.

“Josh what happens if i am pregnant?” Dramatically falling back onto his bed i let out a long sigh due to the fact that i was late.

“How can you not remember if you used protection or not?” Josh questioned as he re-positioned up right against his headboard on the bed.

“I dont know maybe because i was drunk”

“Well did you see anything when you woke up?” Trying to remember back to that morning, i didn’t remember seeing anything.

“Ugh no! I swear if the pill has failed me im screwed”

“I wouldn’t want to be you or Joe right now. Jack and Conor will kill you both” He let out a laugh causing me to hit him in the leg.

“This isn’t funny Josh! My brothers will literally kill him” They both warned the boys not to try anything on with me when they first introduced me. A few of them said they wouldn’t only because dating me would be like dating Jack. Understandable as we were twins.

“Well there’s only one thing you can do and that’s go to the shops and buy a test”

“Come with me?” I looked over to give him puppy dog eyes as i didn’t want to go alone.

“Y/N i hate it when you do that face, i can’t say no to it” Josh sarcastically sighed picking himself up off the bed starting to get his shoes and jacket on. I chuckled and followed.

After looking around the shops and picking up a few tests and paying. I went straight to the bathroom because this couldn’t of waited. I needed to know now as it was starting to eat me alive. What feels like a life time, the 3 minutes were up and i nervously looked at the sticks i used. Negative. Negative. Negative. Well the smile on my face couldn’t get any bigger. I let a sigh of relief out now knowing no one was going to get hurt. I wanted to jump and scream with enjoy but i remembered i was in a public toilet, that wouldn’t look right. All i can say is thank god for the pill. I kept the spare tests in my bag just for emergency's in the future. You never know what will happen.

“Well you don’t look scared or shocked so i take it it was just a scare?”

“Im not pregnant” I sang throwing my arms out with enjoy.

“Now thats over, can we head back before your brothers decide to ask questions” I chuckled knowing how protective they were and we then started to make our way home. However, the response we got when we arrived home was one we both did not expect to say the least.

“What the fuck have you done to our little sister?” Jack arguably spoke pushing Josh against the door with force. Don’t get me wrong this was a little funny because Josh look petrified even though he’s a lot taller than Jack but Jack had more strength. I glanced to look at Conor but his eyes did not move from the direction of the two boys. “You’re meant to be our best friend”

“What are you on about?” Josh questioned. Even i was confused.

“Jack let go of him”

“Shut up Y/N. Ill deal with you in a bit” I was a little taken back with the way he spoke. What had gotten into him all of a sudden. “Do you think it’s ok to use my little sister? Huh? Just because she’s around here all the time doesn’t mean you can use her!” Now i was really confused.

“Seriously Josh you could at least of told us something was going on” Conor added, not said a vile as Jack’s words but you could still hear the anger and disappointment.

“What are you guys on about seriously?”

“Don’t play that game with us” Jack let a dry laugh.

“Honestly Mate-”

“Don’t use the mate card in this” I kept looking between the 3 of them trying to get an understanding.

“Do you really think we wouldn’t of found out? Found out that you two had sex and now she’s pregnant?” Now this makes sense. “And we had to find out by pictures over twitter? How low can you two get?” What me and Josh didn’t realise was that there were fans who had found us and had taken photos of us buying the tests. And now the internet knows. Isn’t this just peachy.

“Oh god” I cursed at myself as them words weren’t meant to come out loud. I sighed knowing my little secret couldn’t stay a secret anymore. “Jack let go of him. He was just being a friend to me” Conor turned to look at me confusingly while Jack looked between me and Josh looking for answers.

“I don’t think you can keep this up anymore Y/N” Josh spoke.

“What are you on about?” Jack asked letting go of his grip and fully turning towards me. I looked down nervously knowing what was about to happen wasn’t going to go down well.

“Ok you both have to promise me you’ll stay calm”

“No promises” they both said in sync.

I took a deep breath and just let it fall out my mouth. “Basically im late. Instantly thought i was pregnant but don’t worry im not just a scare-”

“Why think that? You haven’t had sex” Conor questioned.

“That’s not entirely true” Even though i was old enough Jack and Conor always cringed when my sex life was mentioned, only because i was there little sister. (Well only little to Jack by 2 minutes) The two of them stared blankly at me waiting for me to continue.

“Remember that night out we had a month ago? I didn’t exactly go home on my own. I went home with Joe” Both of their eyes grew wider in shock .

“Joe?” Jack repeated.

“Yes Joe”

“Oh he’s got it coming, I’m going to kill him!” Jack rushed to get his shoes on before practically running out the door with Conor following.

I immediately got my phone out to warn my best friend.

I would hide if i was you, Jack and Conor found out and they’re on their way over. Stay safe lmao text me asap x

Oh bloody hell, i better run! x

#Conor Maynard #Conor Maynard Imagine #jack maynard #jack maynard imagine #josh pieters #josh pieters imagine #joe sugg #thatcherjoe #buttercream squad #maynard

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jacksonmcb-blog · 7 years ago

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Gotta Keep Your Head Up ⇄ MCMONT

WHO: Killian & Jackson McConnell-Beaumont

MENTIONS: Hunter Clarington

WHEN: August 22, 2017

WHERE: The McConnell-Beaumont household

NOTES: Jackson & Killian both jump to conclusions about the other’s past times, and finally sit down and have a much needed talk

WARNINGS: alcoholism and self-deprivation triggers

Jackson-

There was no denying that Jackson could be a jealous man. He loved his husband and cherished what they had together, and there were more than a few times that he found himself worrying that one day Killian was going to wake up and realize he could do so much better than Jackson. Of course, this was an irrational fear. Jackson knew this. Jackson knew that Killian loved him as much as he loved Killian, but he still couldn't feel like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. That sort of thing had been happening his entire life. One good thing would happen, only to be followed by another bad thing that overshadowed the good. His mother supported his sexuality when she inadvertently found it out - a couple weeks before his father did - but his father kicked him out of the house the second he found out, and the two hadn't talked since. He had gotten into Cambridge University, but it meant giving up the start of a new relationship with his best friend that he'd been wanting for a while. Every time something good happened, something bad followed. Waiting for the other shoe to drop was a mental habit he was trying to break himself of, but it wasn't the easiest thing in the world.

Especially when Hunter Clarington, of all people, came back into the picture.

Jackson had known that Hunter and Killian had been involved with each other during both high school and college - a bookend relationship with Jackson's relationship with Killian in the middle. In high school, it had been a different story. Jackson and Killian hadn't been together. Sure, Jackson had been in love with his best friend, even then, but he hadn't been able to say much when Killian was with Hunter, especially since he was with someone else as well. As far as Jackson knew, Hunter had been the one Killian turned to when his relationship with Jackson had ended after high school, though. In the rational part of his mind, Jackson knew any insecurities that he had in regards to Killian's feelings towards Hunter were ill-founded. But that didn't stop the irrational part of his mind from taking over whenever he saw Hunter flirting with his husband. He doubted that Killian really noticed, but it didn't stop his brain from short circuiting.

I’d probably be blindsided enough to marry a hot guy with an English accent too.

Seeing that online had really started to mess with Jackson's head. He hadn't really had an accent when he came back, at least he hadn't thought he had, but he also hadn't thought that he 'blindsided' his husband into being with him. Something about Hunter's words really got under his skin - he just couldn't let them go. The last thing he wanted was to think that he'd somehow tricked Killian into being with him. He couldn't go home like this, he couldn't be like this around Killian. Grabbing his phone, he sent his husband a quick text about going to the gym. It wasn't exactly a lie, so much as it was a half-truth. He really hadn't gotten to the gym that morning, but that had happened before. Tonight, though. Tonight was about exhausting himself to the point where his brain didn't care about Hunter anymore.

He hadn't expected to be gone for more than an extra hour or two. His usual work outs took about an hour and a half, so that was normal. Three hours later, though, he finally found himself parking his car in their two-car garage. He left his gym bag in the trunk of his car before carefully making his way through the garage and into the house. Fuck he was sore already. "Killian?" he called out, assuming that his husband was probably playing video games in his den; he hadn't really realized just yet that he'd been gone for three hours on top of the normal 20-30 minutes it took him to get from Des Arc to their home. "I'm home," he added before moving through the house towards the living room area and collapsing on the couch with a groan.

Killian-

Hunter was a strange connection for Killian. He was never really used for anything more than sex, honestly. Even in high school, with the other male being two years younger than Killian, Killian didn't take much notice of him aside from his body. He was hot, Killian was horny, and they frequented the same parties, it seemed. Hookups were bound to happen. And after Killian and Jackson broke it off, sure, Killian hooked up with Hunter again. Usually by coincidence, and he didn't remember most of it. He was always drunk when he came back into town, usually to ask his parents for money for more booze. And then he'd run into Hunter. Killian's heart would ache because Jackson was so far away, and Hunter seemed like the perfect distraction. Hunter never meant anything to Killian, Killian never had feelings for him. So when he started talking to Hunter again, he honestly didn't think it was a big deal.

Killian liked having friends, that much was known. He liked people, and making people smile, and having people to talk to. He was a social butterfly, and he was extremely extroverted. So Hunter started talking to him, and he didn't mind. Why would he? It had been literally almost ten years since he'd seen the other male, anyway. Killian didn't want to fuck him. He only loved Jackson, only had eyes for him. But Hunter had been acting a little strangely, but Killian had shrugged it off as him having an off day or whatever. Why would Hunter want to flirt when Killian had specifically told him that he was married? It didn't make sense.

So when Jackson had texted Killian, nothing clicked for him. He honestly thought his husband just wanted to get a quick workout in. No big deal, Killian did it all the time. But he expected Jackson to be home in a half hour, hour tops. But then it was longer than that. It was an hour and a half. Two hours. Two and a half hours. Killian was going out of his mind. But he didn't want to be that guy. Jackson had told him where he was, and he didn't want to bother him or assume anything.

He's totally cheating on you. He thinks you're immature and a fucking idiot and he's cheating on you. That's the only reasonable explanation.

"No," Killian said, shaking his head as he paced the kitchen, pickle jar in hand. "He's not. There's no way." He let out a laugh of aggravation. "Oh my god, am I really doing this? I can't spend three hours without knowing where my husband is before losing my mind? It's not like he's been gone overnight. Get a grip, Killian. Chill out. He's not -- he's not cheating on you. Jackson would never."

Wouldn't he, though? Look at yourself. Really look at yourself. You're nothing. It's a damn surprise you got any sort of degree at all. You act like a five year old all day. You're the creepiest guy ever, hanging out with kids for your job. Why would he want you? It's a surprise he's put up with you for this long.

Killian shook his head. "No, he wouldn't. He loves me. Oh my god, I'm talking to a stupid voice in my head. I am not crazy." He suddenly heard the door open, and Jackson's voice reaching his ears. Killian didn't move. What did he do? Act like a sweet, caring, supportive husband? Voice his fears? Accuse him of cheating? Ignore him altogether?

If you accuse him or voice your fears, and he didn't do anything wrong, you're going to push him away. But at the same time, if he'd just using you until he can get the divorce finalized, why should you waste your time?

Killian didn't know what to do. He grabbed a pickle and bit into it, continuing his pacing. Maybe he could just... An idea hit him. He looked over at the back door. He didn't want Jackson to think he was ignoring him, that'd make him want to cheat more. Killian slowly walked over to it, making sure to keep his steps quiet. Then, opening the door as softly as he could, he stepped out onto the back patio, before closing the door behind him. Perfect. Killian quickly kicked off his shoes and socks, rolled up his pant legs, and sat down at the edge of the pool. How could he greet Jackson if he didn't hear him? He took another bite of his pickle. At least if he was going to stress eat, it wasn't something sweet and fatty.

Jackson-

Jackson sighed heavily as he laid on the couch. His entire body hurt. He'd run at the gym for at least an hour or so, until he couldn't physically run anymore, and then he'd used the weights and other gym equipment for another hour on top of that. The longer he laid on the couch, the more his muscles started to relax. The more that they started to realize just how much Jackson had overworked them at the gym. Not getting a response from Killian was starting to worry him a little, though. If he had been able to hear the video games echoing from the den, or Killian shouting 'die, zombies, die!' or something like that, he wouldn't have been worrying. The fact that the house was quiet, though, made him uneasy. Had something happened? A small part of him - the part he had thought he squashed during his work out - wondered if maybe Hunter had dropped by to 'catch up' with Killian. Images swarmed through his head - ones he didn't want - and he let out a loud groan before running his hands over his face.

Pushing the images out of his head, Jackson slowly started to sit up before letting out a loud gasp of pain. His muscles were in full revolt. He hadn't worked out this hard since high school. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck," he gasped, forcing himself up into a sitting position. "Kil?" he called out once he was sitting up with his back against the couch. "Are you home?" he asked, a bit of his paranoia sinking in. Admittedly, he'd seen one too many movies - racy or regular - where a spouse was cheating on their significant other and hid when they came home. Thinking Killian wasn't home gave Jackson opportunity to let his insecurities take over for a moment, even if it was short.Leaning back against the couch, his mind kept flooding with images of Hunter and Killian together, and no matter how many times he rubbed his face or his eyes, they just wouldn't leave. "Fuck, come on man," he muttered to himself, breathing a little heavier as he felt his emotions going into overdrive. Before he could stop them, tears started falling from his eyes.

What if he lost his husband? Why would Killian ever want to be with him when he could probably be with someone like Hunter? Hunter had a better body than him, he had a better job than him, he was paid more. Hell, he probably had a better personality than him in some aspects. No matter how much he loved Killian - no matter the fact that his husband was literally his entire world - he couldn't think, in that moment, of a single reason Killian would want to be with him over Hunter - or at least someone like him.

Running his hands across his face again, he tried to take a deep breath and calm himself down. The last thing he needed was Killian to come home from whatever he was doing - he refused to think about the fact that he could have been with Hunter - and find Jackson sitting on the couch with tears streaming down his face. This was absolutely ridiculous, he knew that, but he couldn't get himself under control.

Killian-

Killian took a deep breath as he sat out by the pool, slowly chewing on his pickle. Only, it didn't taste appetizing anymore. Killian McConnell-Beaumont didn't want to eat pickles at that time. That in itself was troubling, really. Killian swallowed his mouthful and grimaced, before setting the jar down on the ground. Jackson hadn't come to find him. Whenever Killian was home first -- which was usually all the time, unless previously texted about saying he'd be late -- and Killian didn't answer his husband's calls, Jackson would find him. Either in the shower, out back, or just way too involved in his video games. But now he wasn't doing that. He didn't seem to care where Killian was, and that made him feel even worse.

See? He's cheating on you. If he loved you and actually wanted to be with you, he'd look for you. He's not doing that, is he? Jackson's been distant the last few days. He probably found someone better and just hasn't figured out how to break the news to you yet.

Killian chewed on his bottom lip, before standing up from his spot at the pool. His heart was clenching painfully in his chest. He couldn't stay there. Not when Jackson was there, not when his husband had so obviously found someone else. He felt tears welling up in his eyes, but forced them back. He pulled on his socks and shoes before walking around to the side yard, and through the fence. He didn't want to go inside. He couldn't. That's where Jackson was. He couldn't face him right now. He couldn't face the rejection. He walked to the garage side door, thankful that he was the last one to use it (apparently), because it was unlocked. He really needed to break the bad habit of forgetting to lock doors; their cars were going to get stolen that way.

Walking over to the shelving unit in the back of the garage, Killian opened up the rusty toolbox that held his spare car key. He needed a safe spot for it, because he was so forgetful with everything else he owned. Climbing into his SUV, Killian started the ignition. He was about to press the garage door button on his sun visor, before he paused. Is this really what he was doing right now? Running away because of a feeling? But Jackson... he'd never acted like this before. Sure, he had his bad days, but it usually didn't last this long. Killian just... didn't feel the love like he usually did. How was he supposed to cope with that?

"Fuck it." Killian pressed the button, waiting for the large door to open behind him. He just needed to get away. He wasn't sure where, just somewhere. Anywhere but home.

Jackson-

Hearing their garage door opening, Jackson sat up a little more and quickly started wiping his face. He didn't want Killian finding him like this. He knew he was probably being stupid. There was no reason to think that Killian hadn't been home. Killian was always home before Jackson. Then again, Jackson had told him he would be late, so why wouldn't he have gone out to meet up with whoever he was with instead of his husband? Pulling himself up off the couch, letting out a groan as he did so, Jackson moved through the dining room and the kitchen before going through the storage area and to the door that led to their garage. He didn't know what he was going to do when he actually saw Killian, but he knew that he needed to see him. Even if Killian was cheating on him with Hunter fucking Clarington, of all people, Killian was the only person who make his brain shut off. The only person who could make him feel better.

Opening the door to the garage, he leaned against the frame and looked the short distance across the garage to where Killian was sitting in his SUV. It was obvious - at least it probably would have been to Killian - that Jackson had been crying; that he was upset. He offered a small smile across the garage, but it didn't reach his eyes. He just looked so...defeated. It wasn't a look that Jackson held often; in fact, the last time he'd looked like this was the day Killian had forced him to get on the plane to England.

Killian-

The garage door had just finished opening, when the door into the house opened, as well. Killian's eyes snapped over to his husband, and he immediately knew that something was wrong. Oh god, Killian had been thinking that Jackson was cheating on him and -- and he had been upset and crying the whole fucking time. Killian felt like a complete dumb ass. It took him only two seconds to press the button to close the garage door, before he was almost falling out of the vehicle in his rush to get to his husband. Killian didn't say a word, just grabbed Jackson and pulled him close, tightly against himself. You fucking idiot, of course he wasn't cheating on you. What the hell is the matter with you? God, something serious probably happened! You're honestly the worst husband ever, what the fuck. "Baby, what's wrong?" Killian finally said softly, kissing the top of Jackson's head.

Jackson-

The second Killian's arms wrapped around him, Jackson's defenses completely broke down. He wrapped his arms tightly around Killian's neck, burying his face in the crook of his husband's neck as tears started falling again. "I don't want to lose you," he whispered, his words barely audible against Killian's skin as he pulled himself closer to Killian. "Please...pl-please don't leave me," he continued, shaking his head a little; ironically, this felt a little like déjà vu considering the conversation they'd had just days ago where they were singing a Savage Garden song to one another in the bath, talking about how they’d always be together. He wasn’t sure what had happened, honestly, but somehow he had managed to convince himself that Killian was going to leave him for Hunter. "I-I knows he's better than me in..in almost every way," he said. "I just...I don't know what I'd do without you."

Killian-

Killian was honestly so confused. Leave him? Who was better than him? What? He felt his heart break, and he shook his head, rocking Jackson a little bit. "Shh, shhh. No, baby, no. I'm not leaving you. What in the world are you talking about?" He shook his head again, his brain trying to wrap around exactly what was going on. He pulled out of the hug just enough to catch his husband's eyes. "I don't -- I don't know what's going on, or who you think I'm seeing behind your back -- but you need to get your head checked, okay? Better than you? No one is better than you, Jacky. No one. Do you even realize how much I love you? Every moment I live is for you. Everything I do is for you. Everything."

"When I'm picking out video games, did you know I try to find good two player ones so I can spend hours with you kicking your ass? Or when I'm with my students and I'm having a difficult day, I just say 'well, looks like I'm getting some practice in for when Jackson's ready to have a family.' I live for you. I breathe for you. Everything in my soul, in my whole being, is yours. Every. Single. Thing. I don't -- I don't know where you got this crazy notion that I could love someone more than you, or want someone else."

"Do you realize you're the only serious relationship I've ever had? High school? No, those were shit that lasted a month, tops. College? Fuck no, I was too busy drinking my pain away because losing you killed me. It killed me, Jacky. That's why I was an alcoholic when you came back. Because I hurt so much without you. I couldn't function. Before I started drinking, you know what I did? I skipped class, laid in bed all day, skipped meals. I didn't do shit. Because everything hurt without you." He felt tears welling up in his eyes, but ignored them. "And honestly, you're really not the one who should be worried. I've never loved anyone else. Ever. Especially enough to get engaged or get married, maybe. You have. If either of us should be afraid of losing the other, it's me. I'm pretty much always terrified that you're going to realize that I'm stupid, and immature, and you want someone like Colin after all." He shook his head, letting out a joyless laugh. "You're my whole world, Jackson." A few tears fell, and he shrugged. "I can't... I wouldn't be able to live without you. I couldn't before, and if I lost you at all again, I... I'd probably just completely give up."

"I mean... do you realize how many people tried to get me into rehab back then? So many. But I wouldn't go. You're the only one I listened to. Because even after five years, I loved you so much. Once I fell in love with you, I never stopped. Not for a second. You make me want to be a better person. You make me smile when I'm angry, or upset. You..." He smiled softly. "You made me me again. That joyful, awesome teenager I was? I lost him. I lost him and I thought I'd never get him back, that I'd never be happy again. But you... You brought light and sunshine and joy back into my life." He took Jackson's cheeks in his hands, his voice serious through the tears, his eyes determined. "So don't you ever think that I would leave you, you got it? Because without you, I wouldn't be able to be. I cannot see a future where you're not in it, and I don't even want to imagine one. I need you. I love you so, so much, and I just need you."

Jackson-

Jackson just held on to Killian tighter as he felt Killian rocking him, doing his best to comfort him while Jackson continued to break down and slowly started to sink down to his knees; he was so exhausted and his brain was going a million miles a minute with the idea that Killian was going to leave him that he physically couldn't stand. Not anymore. As Killian tried to comfort him, Jackson sniffled softly against his husband's chest. When Killian pulled back, Jackson was tempted to go after him - to bury his face in Killian's neck once more - but he stayed back, he wanted to look into Killian's eyes. He needed to see him. He listened quietly as Killian talked about how much he loved him. About how much his life had been changed because of him. He honestly had no idea how much of an impact that he had made on Killian's life. He knew how much Killian had affected his life. He knew that he wouldn't be the same person that he was now without having Killian in his life. Without Killian, he'd have ended up another homeless, teenage statistic on the streets. And that was only one way that Killian had changed his life. There were countless others, including the fact that Killian had been the one to push him to go to England. Even though it would break him, he forced Jackson to go.

Jackson listened to how much Killian had gone through in the time that he'd been gone, though, and felt the guilt weighing in once more. He consistently thought that their lives would have been different, better than they were now, had he never left and gone to England. Killian wouldn't have turned to alcohol to hide the pain. He would never have met Colin or felt heart break at losing Killian. Their relationship only would have grown stronger. He could have found some college to go to in the states. He had gotten into Cambridge, he easily could have gotten into another Ivy League university stateside so that he could stay close to home. They could have been stronger; they never would have had to know what it was like to live without the other.

The more Killian talked, the more Jackson started to calm down. The more his rationale started coming back, the more his irrational side started calming down. He didn't know how he could have seriously thought that Killian was cheating on him. Not that he was wrong to be worried about Hunter flirting with his husband - Hunter was clearly flirting with his husband - but he had been entirely wrong to think that Killian would have ever cheated on him. It broke his heart, looking up at Killian, to think that he had caused the tears that were currently in his husband's eyes. Leaning forward, he pressed a loving kiss to his husband's lips. "I'm so sorry," he whispered, his voice still broken as the tears started to fall again. "I just...I don't know what got in to my head. I...I just can't imagine my life without you. I-I can't see how I got this..this lucky," he said softly, looking down.

"He's...he's better looking than I am, he's got a better paying job, I'm sure he's probably better in other areas than I am...he's been flirting non-stop, and...and...and my brain just...I don't even know." He couldn't bring himself to actually look his husband in the eye. How could he look the other man in the eyes after all of this nonsense.

Killian-

Killian still didn't know who Jackson was talking about, and raised his eyebrows. "Honey, who is him and he? I really -- I'm really oblivious, I guess, because I have no idea who you're talking about, honestly." He let out a soft laugh, running his fingers through Jackson's hair. "You're not the only lucky one here. Remember that, okay? I still cannot fathom how I landed you. How, even back then, you were interested in me. I was a troublemaker, I got in fights, I did stupid pranks, I got detention more times than I can even remember. And a jock wanted me all that time? Are you kidding me? I didn't even work out back then. I was pretty scrawny, actually. I was not attractive. I was a loser in a pack of misfits who smoked pot and skipped school and -- and honestly, I did a lot of that shit, too. I was not in the same social circle as you. You were popular. I was dumb."

"And then you came back and decided you still loved me? Even though I was an alcoholic with a dead beat job and a shitty apartment? Like, there was nothing to love there. Most people would have said 'so sorry, you're clearly missing some screws now, so I'm going to take my happy ass back to England with my stupid fucking fiance who Killian still hates'--" He paused, before letting out a small laugh. "Sorry. You get my point. There was never much to love. And honestly, there still isn't. I'm as dumb as a bag of rocks. My job is probably one of the easiest ever in the teaching career, and I make, like, two thirds of what you do."

"You're the breadwinner, smart guy here, if you haven't noticed. I'm... kind of just living in your shadow at this point." He was self-depreciating, but he still never stopped smiling. "So you think you're lucky? Try being me and being married to you. It's honestly intimidating. I mean, you speak Latin. Latin! I can't even do basic algebra anymore, and I've completely forgotten Spanish! You know a dead language! Do you know how awesome that is? I am constantly in awe of you and how fucking amazing you are. Honestly --" He took his hands off Jackson and made a bomb sound as he moved his hands in the 'mind blown' gesture.

Jackson-

"I'm talking about Hunter," he said with a heavy sigh. "He's been flirting with you ever since he came back into your life. And I-I tried to ignore it. I did. I knew it didn't mean much to you. I just...that comment about me blindsiding you into marrying me? That...that hurt," he said softly, looking down again. He didn't know why he let Hunter get under his skin like that, but he couldn't help it. He was so worried about losing Killian that it took over sometimes. He listened as Killian spoke about how he couldn't believe that he had landed Jackson, about how a jock wanted him despite the fact that he wasn't one of the 'popular' kids. "I hated most of the popular kids, if you remember that," he teased with a quiet chuckle. "Plus, maybe I had a thing for bad boys." The smile came back to his lips, finally, and his breathing started to return to normal.

"For the record, there was everything to love, and there still is. When I left and when I came back," he said adamantly. "You might have been in a darker place, and...and that was my fault," he said softly, feeling the guilt weighing down on him still. "You might have been a darker version of yourself, but you were still you. I could still see you, even behind the alcoholism. I could still see the guy I fell in love with when I was a teenager. The man who'd had my heart since I was 16. Probably longer, if I really thought about it." He grimaced a bit when Killian brought up Colin. "Colin never held a candle to you," he said with a shake of his head. "I didn't even start seeing him until...maybe a year before I came home. And even then..." He trailed off, shaking his head a little as he thought about it. "He could never even begin to compare to you. In a million years. And you're not dumb," he stressed, reaching up to take Killian's face in his own. "You are not. You never were. Stop saying that you are. You're not. You might not make as much as I do, but that's not a huge deal. I don't care how much you make or you don't make. You're the love of my life, and I couldn't bare to live without you," he added.

As the subject turned to how lucky Killian thought he was to have Jackson, Jackson just shook his head a bit. He genuinely didn't think he was that special, but he was glad that his husband saw something in him that he didn't see. He couldn't help but laugh softly when Jackson made a gesture to signify that Jackson blew his mind. Taking Killian's hands in his own, he kissed his hands softly, pausing to kiss each knuckle as he did so. "I love you. So much. So. So. Much."

Killian-

At the mention of Hunter, Killian couldn't help but let out a loud laugh. Really, honestly couldn't help it. But he didn't get a chance to talk about it as the conversation continued on. When Jackson said that Killian wasn't dumb, he couldn't help but roll his eyes. He appreciated his husband saying that, really. He honestly did. But Killian probably wasn't going to be convinced any time soon, honestly. "You realize that I only know half the stuff I do because of you, right? I mean, I almost flunked out of high school. I almost dropped out of high school because I was flunking so bad. You're the only reason I graduated, and you're the reason I went to college. Which --" He shook his head. "I'm still not sure how I passed, honestly. And since you've been back, all this new vocabulary and random facts I know? Who do you think I learned it from? You, dumbo. I retained almost nothing from high school. I know I'm not stupid. I know that. But I'm not smart, either. I never was, Jacky. I struggled in school every single year of it. I can't take tests, I can't learn complicated stuff -- my brain just doesn't let me. Maybe I had an undiagnosed learning disability, I don't know. I may be a teacher now -- of five year olds -- but I'm not smart. I never was, I never will be. That's just me. I've accepted that. Honestly, I've accepted that I had to ask my new friend 'Jackster' what the difference between affect and effect was when I was in high school. I mean, that's just sad."

"I love you, too," Killian said, smiling softly and leaning in to steal a kiss. "With everything I have. But can we go back to Hunter for a second here? Because I honestly think it's hilarious that you thought I was cheating with him." He laughed, grinning. "I never had feelings for him, Jacky. Never. He is a pompous, egotistical smart ass, and he seems like he still is, from what I've seen." He shrugged a little, grin still in place. "Did I used to fool around with him? Yeah, sure. I slept with a lot of people in high school -- not that I'm proud of that, of course. And did I sleep with him after we split? Yeah, I did, a time or two. He was there, and he was a good distraction for the time being. But you know what? I haven't seen him in ten years before he showed back up. He left Cotton Plant and he did not look back. And guess what, my love? I didn't give two shits. I didn't care that he left. He didn't mean anything to me. I didn't bat an eye when he left. You? Well, you know how that turned out. He can't compare to you."

"Is he hotter? Fuck no. You're the most gorgeous, magnificent, sexy, beautiful creature on the planet to me. My eyes are so honored to be looking upon you in this moment, and every other moment I spend with you. There is no one more attractive in the world to me than you are. Does he make more money than you? Uh, yeah. Honey, he's a doctor, from what I've heard. If you had stayed in England for the eight years that would have taken, I'd be dead right now. I mean, I hate to say that, but it's true. I would have died of alcohol poisoning. It's that simple. And even if you went to medical school in the states, do you realize how long of hours you'd be working right now? No. No, no, no. I am far too selfish to let you work that much. I don't care if you would've made enough for us to live in a mansion with servants. No. You're simply not allowed. I like having you around too much."

"Now, is he better in other areas?" Killian grinned. "No, definitely not. No one has ever made me cum without my dick being touched but you. No one's made me scream like you, or squirm like you, or made me see as many stars. And... with you, you know, it's not just sex. We're in love. So it makes it so much more special, to be opening up ourselves to each other like that and showing our vulnerabilities. You're my favorite person that I've ever slept with, and that's including Hunter."

"As for that stupid blindsided comment? He's a dick sometimes, ignore him. You didn't blindside me, or trick me into marrying you. If you didn't notice, for some reason -- we waited a long time to get married, baby. If I wanted out, I would have left a while ago. It's not like we took a trip to Vegas as soon as you got back and got hitched. We took our time. So who cares what Hunter says? He likes to get under people's skin. He's that kind of guy. You can either ignore him, or punch him in the face. Personally, I wouldn't be opposed to you knocking him around a bit, that'd be hot."

Killian took a deep breath. He didn't think he had talked so much at once in his life, and that was saying something. "No one is better in my eyes than you. I don't care if they're Channing Tatum. You're my number one. I mean, until we have kids, then you'll be knocked down a few notches." He shrugged, grinning. "Actually... now that I've unintentionally brought up the subject... when might you wanna have some little ones running around?" He asked a bit hopefully, but cautiously, poking Jackson in the stomach repeatedly as he spoke.(edited)

Jackson-

Jackson couldn't help but roll his eyes a bit as Killian literally laughed out loud at the mention that it had been Hunter who Jackson had thought got between them. He would have said something, but now that he was talking - and was kind of on a roll - he wasn't about to stop what he was saying just so they could focus on Hunter. Once he was finished, though, he finally stayed quiet long enough for Killian to respond; though, admittedly, he couldn't help but laugh when Killian mentioned their short conversation on the difference between affect and effect. That was one day he'd never forget. It was the first time that Killian had kissed him; it was only on the cheek, but it had been enough to momentarily stun Jackson while Killian had run away to meet up with his friends. "Okay, sure. Maybe because I helped you get through, sure, but baby. You're smarter than you think you are. You did all the work. You took all the tests, not me. You graduated from high school because you worked for it. I might have helped. I will give you that. I helped you study, I helped you learn, but you passed on your own merit."

He laughed softly at Killian's assertion that he wasn't sure how he'd passed college. He was pretty sure that was how most college graduates felt; even he wasn't sure how he'd survived five years of college and managed to graduate at the top of his class. Though, all he did for the most part was study to keep his mind off of Killian at the time, so it made sense that he'd done so well. The idea that Killian might have had a learning disability, though, had actually occurred to him more than once; he'd even asked one of his teachers at one point, but they're more or less ignored it because of the people Killian hung out with; the more he thought about it, the more he thought that maybe - even now - they should get him tested for some sort of learning disability. "And, for the record, I didn't learn the difference between affect and effect until I was in high school. None of the teachers ever explained it well enough. I found this really old English text book from the 1800s, and oddly enough they explained it perfectly," he laughed softly. It was a fact that still amused him to this day.

Jackson hummed against the kiss that his husband leaned in to steal, ready to steal another when Killian turned the subject to Hunter. He was about to shake his head - say no, he didn't want to talk about Hunter - but then Killian mentioned he thought the notion that he could cheat on Jackson with Hunter was hilarious. That left Jackson mildly confused, and he was more that sure that it showed on his face. Jackson stayed quiet as Killian talked about Hunter and the way he felt - or didn't feel for the Doctor. As Killian went on and on about the areas that Jackson had brought up - the ones that made him feel inferior - Jackson couldn't keep the smile from forming on his lips. He'd never heard Killian talk this much all at once - except maybe once when he was really excited - but the fact that he was willing to talk this much just to sooth Jackson's worries and insecurities meant the world to him. It only showed him even further how much Killian loved him.

When Killian paused long enough to catch his breath, Jackson took the chance to close the distance between the two of them, taking his husband's face in his hands and kissing him deeply. He loved this man so much, and he felt so lucky that Killian had chosen him. That Killian had married him, despite his bullshit insecurities and inability to show his vulnerable side until he was an absolute mess. Despite the fact that he wasn't perfect and felt like Killian deserved more - better - he was still in awe at the fact that Killian had chosen him. Probably a lot like the way Killian was in awe that Jackson was with him. When he pulled back and Killian told him that he didn't want any one else, not even Channing Tatum, and that he would always be number one, Jackson felt his smile widen. Though soon enough, the subject turned to children and he felt nerves creeping up a bit. He wanted children, of course he did. He had been wanting to talk about it for a while now, but he had never been sure Killian wanted them. There was a difference between teaching children and raising one of their own. He had been about to reply when Killian poked him in the stomach and his muscles screamed in revolt, suddenly choosing that moment to remind him how hard he had pushed himself. He groaned quietly in pain at the small, seemingly meaningless action of his husband poking his stomach before sighing a bit. He would prefer to move inside - somewhere that his muscles could relax and he could actually enjoy the talk - but he didn't want to interrupt what they had. What they were talking about. The air that they had now.

"I want children..." he paused for a moment before a smile graced his lips. "whenever you're ready. I've...I've been wanting to talk to you about it for a while, I just...didn't know how to bring it up."

Killian-

Killian's eyes lit up bright like a child on Christmas day. Jackson wanted kids. Well, of course Killian knew that. They had discussed it forever ago, a short conversation about their future. But things were constantly changing, people were. So he wasn't sure if it was still on Jackson's plan for the future. "Really?" he asked, bouncing up and down slightly from excitement and happiness. "Baby, I'm ready. Like, let's go start making calls kind of ready." He took Jackson's hand, pulling him gently inside. This would probably turn into a long conversation. He led his husband to the living room, sitting down on the couch. "Adoption or surrogate? There's pros and cons to both, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want a mini-you running around. Hopefully a girl, though." He put his hands over his heart, looking heart stricken. "I want a little girl so bad. They're so much fun. All the clothes, and toys, and tea parties... But of course I'd be okay with a boy, too. Any child. Any race, gender, whatever. I just want one. So, so badly. Can we please have a baby?"

Jackson-

Jackson's smile widened when he noticed how happy Killian was at the notion that he still wanted children. He knew that Killian had wanted kids, but he hadn't known that it was this intense. He couldn't help the laugh that broke through his lips as Killian started bouncing up and down in place; that's how Jackson knew he was really excited. He was practically brimming with happiness. "Of course really," he said with a smile and a nod. "We should start looking into agencies, then," he added. He groaned loudly as Killian took his hand and pulled him to his feet. "Sorry," he apologized, holding his sides before pulling himself up slowly. Fuck, his body hurt so bad. But he wasn't about to let that deter him from talking about children. They were talking about starting a family. Starting their future. He couldn't believe they were really, finally talking about this. Sitting down on the couch, he sighed softly before relaxing into the couch. He honestly wasn't sure how the hell he was going to get up and off of the couch when it was time to go to bed. As Killian talked about wanting a mini-Jackson running around, but also wanting a little girl as well, Jackson's heart soared and his face brightened. It was so nice to see his husband this excited about having children. He laughed gently as Killian asked if they could have a baby, nodding in response. "Of course we can have a baby. I'd be lying if I hadn't said that I'd always wanted a little girl. A little girl with your eyes and your smile," he said, reaching across to lightly run his thumb across Killian's jaw and over his lower lip for a moment before letting his hand fall. "I'm definitely ready to have a baby," he said with a nod, smiling. "Though, arguably, I'd like to see a mini version of you running around here."

Killian-

"Okay, okay, there's a way to solve this," Killian said, nodding. A grin was plastered on his face the whole time. They were going to have a family. A little boy or girl to call their own. Killian loved his niece dearly, and he wouldn't trade her for the world. But he always felt sad when she left, and he was entirely jealous of his brother for having a child. Of course, Liam was much older, but 29 wasn't exactly young, either. And him and Jackson had been together for years. Why not start their family? They were ready. Their house was too quiet sometimes -- well, occasionally. Killian was rather loud, so it was never really quiet. "How about we plan for two? Not, like, you know, right away. But I definitely want more than one kid, at least two, so it's not a weird thought, right? And! I know how to decide who gets to jizz in a cup first." He laughed softly. "We both will."

"They'll mix it up and all that stuff and we won't really know who the biological father is. I'm sure we'll have our guesses as they get older, but that's then. And then for the second one, we can do it again. Though if the child comes out with red hair, it's obviously mine. Stupid Irish heritage. Speaking of that, I'm getting a little pale, I need to go tanning..." He shook himself out of his distracting thought. "Anyway, if the first one comes out obvious -- Irish, basically -- then we'll know and whoever isn't the biological father will just take the next one. But hopefully we won't be able to tell, and it'll just be a beautiful little thing with all the perfect qualities. Though, honestly, they'll be beautiful no matter what." He jumped up and down in his seat. "I'm so excited! I have to text Liam tomorrow. I have to. So we're decided on a surrogate, right? I mean, adoption is great, and everything -- I just, I don't know. I really want it to be really ours, you know? And a little girl with your nose--" He tapped Jackson on the nose, happy pouting. He scrunched up his fists and shook them slightly in excitement. "It would be so cute."

Jackson-

Jackson could help the loud laugh that burst past his lips at Killian's remark about how they would decide who gave their sperm first, though his words were much more crass - which was what had caused Jackson to laugh. The smile never left his lips while they were talking. They were finally going to have a family, and he felt like things couldn't have been better for them. Financially, they were set for children. Their house was more than big enough for another child, even two. If all else failed, he could convert his office into another bedroom and grade papers from the kitchen or something. This was really happening. They were really going to start a family together. It was almost too surreal, but he was thrilled that they were taking this step. Granted, his happiness wasn't quite as detectable as Killian's - mainly because it hurt to move - but he was still incredibly happy. He nodded as Killian explained his idea on how they would both put their sperm into a cup and mix it together; it was a smart idea, and one that he'd heard of happening before. It was a good way for neither one of them to truly get jealous or play favorites. The child would be their's, but - short of anything incredibly obvious, such as red hair like Killian had mentioned - neither would know who was the biological father. He couldn't help but laugh as his husband got off track while talking about his heritage. "I think you look amazing. For once, you're the pale one," he teased, leaning over with a smile to press a light kiss on his husband's lips.

Then suddenly Killian was off again, talking about their future child and how he'd have to text his brother tomorrow. He could tell his siblings when the reality became...well, real, but the only person he wanted to tell in that moment was his mother. He might not have spoken to his father in over a decade, but his mother was a different story. His mother actively kept in touch with her son; she had even set aside money for Jackson in an account that his father hadn't known about for when he got married - it was partially how they had afforded to buy the home they were in. "Yes. We're decided on a surrogate. I mean, maybe if we have more than two kids we can adopt the third, but I'm definitely in agreement about wanting a surrogate," he said, nodding as he spoke. He scrunched his face a little as Killian tapped him on the nose, but the smile never left his face. He was so happy seeing how happy his husband was; he was so happy that they were finally having this conversation. "I'm so glad we've finally sat down to talk about this. I..." he paused for a moment. "I wanted to bring this up...months ago."

Killian-

"Months ago?" Killian asked, letting out a laugh. "Baby, why didn't you say something? Do you realize how long I've wanted kids? I mean, like, sure -- I knew that I wanted kids back in high school. I always knew it was going to happen, some time or another. But recently? I don't know, the past year maybe?" He thought for a moment, his stupid grin never leaving his face. "Okay, maybe we're both to blame, then. Because I probably could have said something, too. But we're talking now, and that's all that matters." He couldn't believe it was finally happening. Killian had always wanted to be a father, had always known that was part of the plan for his future. But to actually start talking about it seriously was a dream come true for him. "Okay, so on the subject of a surrogate... Are we going to go through an agency of some kind? Put an ad in the paper? Find someone we're friends with and ask if they'd be okay with us knocking them up?" He let out a small laugh. "Why can't men have babies? This is preposterous!" He paused for a moment, thinking, before continuing. "I do think we need an anonymous egg donor, though. Through an agency. I don't want whoever carries our child to think they have some sort of claim, if that makes sense? I mean, of course they'll be in the child's life if they want, I'd never deny my child a mother. But I've read and seen so many issues with the birth mother keeping the child and getting away with it because it's her child, too. You know, biologically. I don't want to deal with that."

Jackson-

Jackson shrugged just a little before laughing softly. "I don't know," he said with another shake of his head. "I guess...I guess I wanted to wait until we were financially stable, and I've always wanted to wait until I was a little older before I considered having kids. But I'm almost 30, and I...well, I think it's a good time. We're at a good place," he paused for a moment. "Well...I mean, we are now - minus my little melt down back there," he said with a chuckle. "The past year?? And you're getting on me about a few months," he laughed. As the conversation turned to their surrogate, he nodded a bit as Killian talked about the options. "Men having babies would be much easier. I guess it just makes it easier on us, though. No unplanned pregnancies," he said with a soft laugh. "We have to actively think about wanting a child. About what goes into it. So we don't go into it unprepared," he said with another nod. "Personally, I'd prefer we had an anonymous egg donor," he said in the silence in which Killian was thinking. He nodded in agreement as Killian expressed his thoughts. "That's what I was thinking. Of course the mother would be more than welcome to be in our child's life, but...I don't want to think about going through all that time, all that waiting, all that hope, and then having it ripped away at the last second. That would be...like, hell..."

Killian-

"Good, that's settled then," Killian said with a smile. "We'll start looking into agencies for an egg donor, and soon we'll talk about who the surrogate could be." He nodded. "Now, let's talk about you." He crossed his arms over his chest, raising his eyebrows at his husband. "I've seen those looks on your face since you got back. You honestly really did spend three hours at the gym, didn't you? I'm sore just looking at you. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to run a bath in the downstairs bathroom -- because I'm not carrying your ass upstairs -- you're going to relax, and I'm going to give you a massage. Then when you get out, I'm going to rub icy hot everywhere and you're just going to have to deal with the smell because you did this to yourself. And if you ever think I'm cheating on you again and basically kill yourself at the gym instead of talking to me, I'm going to pretend I don't know you're in pain and guilt trip you into doing something physical with me. Whether it be swimming, or sex, or -- hey, the Wii works too. Okay?" He grinned and leaned over, stealing a kiss, before getting up from the couch.

Jackson-

Jackson nodded a bit with a smile; he was so happy that they were finally going to start doing this. He had known from a young age that he wanted children. He wanted to prove that he could be a better father than his own ever was to him, whether the child be a boy or a girl. He wanted a child to love and spoil and raise as his own - prove to his family, particularly his father, that just because he was gay didn't mean that he could never have a family. As Killian seemed to get serious, turning the conversation onto Jackson, he looked down for a moment and sank back into the couch a little. He hadn't really meant to overdo it at the gym, but his brain had been hammering down the fact that he wasn't good enough, and all he wanted to do was shut it up. He listened to his husband's plans for him for the night, and he couldn't help but smile. "A massage would be nice, but you don't have to do that, baby. I can get myself upstairs. Like you said, it's my fault I'm in this much pain anyway," he said with a small shake of his head. As Killian got up from the couch, preparing to go get the bath ready - because, honestly, it didn't matter how much Jackson might have opposed, Killian was going to do what he could to make Jackson feel better - Jackson grabbed his arm in a quick reflex, suppressing the urge to groan a bit as his shoulder muscles revolted against him. Pulling Killian down into his lap for a moment, he smiled before leaning in and kissing him once more. "I love you," he whispered against Killian's lips, pulling back after a few moments. "I'm the luckiest guy in the world."

Killian-

Killian let out a little yelp of surprise as he was pulled down into Jackson's lap. He grinned at his husband, scrunching up his nose a bit. "Nah. I'm pretty sure I hold that title because I have you. My love runs deeper for you than the deepest part of the ocean. And, I'm no nerd like you, but I'm pretty sure that's crazy deep." He kissed Jackson softly, lovingly, before getting up off his husband. He didn't want to hurt him. "You stay here. I'll be back for you momentarily, okay?" He leaned down, kissing the top of Jackson's head, before walking down the hall. He started up the hot water in the bathtub, making sure it wasn't too hot, but still pretty hot so Jackson's muscles could relax. Turning to the counter, he opened the door and grabbed some reed diffusers, and stuck them in a small vase. He grabbed some lilac scented oil and poured a small amount in, hoping the scent would fill the room shortly. After that was done, he returned to the living room, and bent at the knees next to his husband, wrapping the other man's arm around his shoulders. "Alright, c'mon. Up you go, babe." He carefully helped Jackson to his feet, before walking down the hall with him.

Jackson-

Jackson grinned against the kiss at the surprise in his husband's voice when he had been pulled down. "Mariana Trench, just under 7 miles deep at it's deepest point," he remarked with a smirk, as if confirming Killian's nerd comment. He never truly considered himself a nerd. No, he thought of himself as passionate. And only about some things. "And how about we just agree that we're both the luckiest people in the world because we have each other. Hm?" he asked with a smile before returning his husband's soft kiss. As Killian got up and went to prepare the bath, Jackson sighed softly and relaxed even further into the couch. Why had they bought a couch that was so damn comfortable? It was going to be mild hell trying to get up, but he would do what he had to; his husband was doing everything he could to try and make him feel better, and damned if he was going to brush that off. He closed his eyes for what felt like seconds, but soon Killian was back and helping him up off the couch. He took a deep breath and let out a quiet sound of pain as he got up off the couch, wrapping his arm around Killian's shoulder. "Mm, nope. Nope. You're too tall," he said with a laugh before moving his arm and securing it around his husband's waist instead. "I love your height though. It's perfect," he added with a smirk; the fact that his husband was over four inches taller than him definitely came in handy in other situations. Leaning against Killian for support, Jackson inhaled deeply as they got to the bathroom and groaned quietly in approval. "It smells amazing in here. You're so sweet," he remarked with a smile, leaning up to press a light kiss to Killian's jaw.

Killian-

"I know," Killian said with a grin. He walked Jackson over to the toilet and helped him sit down on the closed lid, before grabbing the bottom of his husband's shirt and pulling it up over his head gently. "Can't take a bath fully clothed." He smirked slightly at his own statement; there had been a time or two where Jackson had been taking a bath, and Killian jumped in fully clothed. Killian got to work on the other man's shoes and socks. "I still honestly don't know why you thought Hunter of all people. I mean, I'd think that you'd think Link first. We're opening up a bread shop together, after all." He undid his husband's jeans, before pausing. "Alright, I guess you're going to have to stand for this, but you can put your weight on my shoulders." He helped Jackson stand up, before tugging the fabric (and the underwear) down enough to where Jackson could sit again. Which Killian, of course, helped him do, before pulling the garments completely off.

Jackson-

Jackson winced a bit as he sat down and his calf muscles seemed to scream in responses. No more lunges for a while. Or...well, no more gym for a few days at least. He needed to give his muscles a chance to bounce back. He couldn't help but laugh at Killian's remark about not taking baths fully clothed, lifting his arms so that his husband could pull his shirt off easier. "You're one to talk," he commented with a grin. "I seem to remember more than a few times when you hopped into the bathtub fully clothed, shoes and all," he laughed. Kicking his shoes and socks off with Killian's help, Jackson shrugged a bit before shaking his head a little. "Well...1) I didn't know that you were opening a bread shop with Link," he said with a smile. "And 2) I know that Link would never try to come between a married couple just because he thinks one of them is hot. I can't really say the same for Hunter. I don't know if he would, but it wouldn't surprise me," he finished, shaking his head a little. It still pissed him off that Hunter had so openly flirt with his husband, despite knowing that Killian was married. Standing up with Killian's help, he held on to his husband's shoulders while the man undid his jeans and then tugged the rest of his clothes down. Once he was seated again, he smiled as he watched Killian working to get his clothes off, working gingerly as to not hurt him any more than his muscles already were. "You're the sweetest guy I've ever known, you know that?" he asked, reaching out to lightly run his fingers through Killian's hair.

Killian-

Killian gave a cocky smile, looking up at Jackson from his knelt position on the floor. "I know. But only for you." Which was a lie, of course, but it sounded sweet. Killian tried to be the nice guy for everyone around him, because jerks were just -- well, they were jerks. He liked spreading light and positivity wherever he went. And if he could make one person smile that day, he knew he did his job. "Alright, Superman. Tub time." He stood from his position and helped Jackson stand, before walking him over to the water and helping him slowly sit down in the heat. "I know it's really hot, but you'll get used to it, and it'll help your muscles more." He turned off the water, before kneeling down behind Jackson in the tub. It was a small space, not really enough room for his long limbs, but he'd survive. He placed his hands on Jackson's shoulders, starting to gently massage the muscles there. He smiled softly, and leaned forward, kissing the back of Jackson's head before whispering in his ear. "I love you forever, Jacky."

Jackson-

Jackson smiled at Killian's response. He knew that was an obvious lie. If he'd never known Killian in high school or when he had been an alcoholic, Jackson probably would have thought that his husband didn't have a mean bone in his body. He knew that the other man was possessive and protective, but he also knew that it was only because he loved others so intensely that he never wanted to see them hurt. Beyond that, Killian was Jackson's personal ray of sunshine at least 90% of the time. He just didn't like being mean to other people. Jackson bit his lip to stop himself from groaning or wincing again as he stood up - he really hated making Killian see him like this - before he hissed as he put his foot in the tub. "Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot," he murmured as he slipped down into the hot water until he was fully immersed in the tub - or at least, up to his shoulders. Leaning back against the porcelain of the tub, Jackson finally started to relax as he felt his muscles finally starting to release the tension they'd been holding the longer he was in the tub. As Killian started to massage his shoulders, Jackson let out a low groan and let his head fall back against his husband's chest while he continued his massage and his eyes fell closed. It took a few seconds for his husband's words to sink in, but a smile stretched across his lips as they did. "I love you forever, Kil."

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