#maybe ill bum a ride off someone

[tedhead]

i love local theater but the windchill is like -15F rn and walking to the playhouse sounds like a shit idea

[hivequest]

Taking a Risk » Mallek Adalov/Reader

Wordcount: 2.3k words

Warnings: Swearing, fluff, stressed out reader, chillboy Mallek. TYping quirk only used when texting cause I could not be bothered lmao Originally posted on AO3

A/N: One of my favorite things that I’ve written, ever. I love Mallek and he’s for sure one of my favorite Friendsim characters. When I wrote this I was really feeling those Quarantine Woes

You didn't know what you were doing here. You felt out of place in the worst possible ways. It was a weird, squidgy feeling like stepping on wet grass. But not like the fun kind where you were running around in a sprinkler on a hot-as-balls summer day. No, this was the bad kind of wet grass that you stepped on without knowing it was wet. Why weren't you wearing shoes?

This analogy is stupid. The point is, you're feeling bummed out.

And what better way to not have to deal with that than hang out with someone you knew wouldn't push you into talking about all the ways crashing on this planet sucked! The point is, you're on your way to see Mallek. Mallek is absolutely the kind of friend who can tell when you just need to sit down and veg out. You had been so caught up in everyone else's bullshit that you weren't looking after your own damn self. So now you were doing that.

All it took was a quick text, asking Mallek if he had any company. He texted back only a moment later with a no, obviously not. You asked him if he wanted any. Not really. You ask him if you can come over anyway. Obviously.

You smiled at the palmhusk in your, well, palm. You could already feel the chill vibes of your hacker friend. Friend? Was that the right word for it? You didn't know anymore. When you first met there were definitely some sparks there. You could still feel them now and it made weird butterflies flutter around in your stomach. When you slapped his phone out of his hand and he sent you ass over applecart into the slimy depths of sewer water and he saved you, tits out and all.

You shook off the weird wistful feeling of maybe possibly crossing the friendship barrier and told him you'd walk to his hive. You'd been moping in some bookhive, not your usual hang-out spot with Tagora or Tyzias. This was some upper caste bookhive with purple bloods and some indigos and definitely not where you were welcome if the looks you were getting were any indication. They ranged from snooty to downright murderous. Yeesh.

Your phone -palmhusk, stupid troll names- beeped again. You got another text from him and those cheery fucking butterflies were back. God, you had it bad.

yeah were not doing that lmao;

im not going to let my robobuddy walk out in the sun

do you even know what time of day it =

just stay put ive already got your location ill pick you up;

And like a good little friendsimp. You park your ass on a chair and wait. You hadn't released your moping had taken up most of the night. But with the quick look around, yeah, no, this place was nearly empty by now. Just some older bluebloods trying to cram before their Ordeals and get shipped off-planet. Again: Yeesh.

You kept your ears open for the telltale sound of Mallek's limo. It was a sound you were getting used to these days. He always seemed ready to drop whatever coding shit he was working on to come to see you. You tried not to think too hard on what that might mean. No need to get your hopes up now. It's probably just your bad mood making you imagine some context where there's nothing. Yeah.

Damn, that shit hurted.

Just as you were about to add that to the reasons you were considering just screaming your lungs out who cares whose listening? you heard the wonderfully familiar sound of an approaching elongated scuttlebuggy. If that wasn't enough of a clue as to who the ride was for the quiet of the bookhive was very abruptly disturbed by a series of rhythmic beeps.

Holy shit was that the Tetris theme?

You shoved your palmhusk into your hoodie pocket and yanked the hood over your head. Even if the sun was only out a little bit you didn't want it anywhere near your freshly healed skin. You had no kind cowgirl to nurse you back to health right now if you got your asscheeks baked by the flaming death orb. You peeked your head out and even with the blinding light of Alternia's suns you could Mallek had opened the door and was waiting for you.

Aw. No, shit. You're in a bad mood don't get all heart eyes at him. Don't make it weird.

You took a few steps back into the bookhive, ready to make a run for it. You turn to a sitting indigoblood, who is just staring at you disdainfully for keeping the door open. You give her a two-fingered salute. Godspeed young cosmonaut. She gives you a one-fingered salute. Close the door you insufferable bulgebiter. Fair.

Taking a running start, you book it out into the heat of the Alternian sun and dive for the open car door. It's then that you realize he's halfway parked on the sidewalk to lessen the amount of time you'd have to spend in the sun. Aw. That also means that you came barreling like a cannonball at something that was like two feet out of the door. FUck.

Your face meets carpet and you can already feel the rugburn starting to set in. You hear a startled wheezy laugh from above you, a sound you know better than anyone else on this planet. You smile. It's not like you had any dignity to begin with.

You say hello to him as you peel yourself off of the floor of his car.

"Hey, there robobuddy. You stuck the landing this time," He smiles down at you as he reaches over you to shut the door, closing the space out from natural light and leaving you both lit by his colorful LEDs. You shrug and tell him you've been getting a lot of practice landing on your face these days. The look he gives you is still smiling but there's some level of disbelief at the dumbassery that is your whole existence.

"I know you can get yourself into it. Nothing too bad this time, though, right? No drones or broken bones?" He sounds concerned which is nice but he doesn't drown you with his concern. He leans back on the bench of his limo, keeping an eye on you as the vehicle begins to move on its own. You've been staying out of big messes but the little messes are starting to mess with you. He makes a sound of understanding the sounds as it comes from deep in his chest. Whoa. "Believe me, I've been there. Glad you're not cracking under it though."

He smiles and you can see his little fang and you can feel your heart melt a little. And also you're getting a bit teary-eyed and now Mallek looks alarmed. Shit. You try to quickly explain that you're fine, just, alien allergies am I right? He must be using some new air freshener to mask the musty smell of his limo. Since doesn't use it enough. Ha ha?

He isn't buying it.

With a rare show of cerulean prowess, he lifts you up off of the shitty car rug and sets you on the seat beside him. He feels uncomfortable and you can tell. Ah, goddammit you made it weird. You didn't mean to. Fuck. Fuck now you're feeling even worse. You thought you were starting to balance out. You're with Mallek now, shouldn't everything start to quiet down like it always does? Fuck. He doesn't say anything at first, just leans back against the seat and stretches his arms across it, letting you lean on him if you choose to.

...You choose to.

Your head finds itself somewhere between his shoulder and his collarbone, and you just. Shove your face there. Then scream.

To his credit, Mallek doesn't even flinch. He doesn't wince or shy away from you as you let out every bit of anger, sadness, and frustration out against his sweater. He just sits quietly, staring straight at the blacked-out windshield. You get the feeling he's needed to do this more than once.

Screw this planet. Screw everything about it that makes all of your friends suffer. Why can't you just get them away from all this bullshit?! Why do you have to deal with everyone's bullshit! You love them, you do but holy fuck they're looking to you like you can undo all the damage this place has done to them when you've got literally no god damn idea what's happening at any point ever!

And then, just like that, it fades into the background. Your throat hurts. Your head hurts and you think you might be crying. But it feels lighter. Better now that you've gotten some of that aggression out. You aren't like the trolls on Alternia. You can't kill people when you experience an Emotion™. But that doesn't mean you don't get pent up with rage.

Mallek realizes that now. He lets out a breath he didn't realize he was holding and his left hand slowly moves down from the back of the seat the rest against your back. His thumb brushes against your back, the claw drawing little patterns against the fabric of your sweater. His sweater. He tries not to think his sign your chest. This isn't the time.

"Feeling any better?" He asks and you don't know how to answer. You kinda don't want to. But you nod anyways, and you feel some tension leave his body. You knew he was worried about you. You apologize for making him witness your meltdown but he just makes another deep-chested hum. "Nothing to apologize for. I got the feeling you weren't feeling great. I could tell from the texts, you didn't use nearly enough ugly emojis."

You scoff and smack a hand against his chest and once again you hear that wonderful laugh from him. Hey! Your purrbeast emojis are adorable, thank you very much! And you'll not hear another word of it or else you'll send him pictures of rocks and rocks exclusively. No more memes.

"Jokes on you I'm into that shit." You laugh and thump your head against his collarbone. You thank him for being with you when were needed it. And picking you up to make sure you didn't deal with it alone. You don't want to make it weird but...yeah.

He doesn't respond this time, just letting you both enjoy the silence and the comforting sound of the engine. You should almost be at Mallek's apartment by now. It's as you're settling in for the last bit of the drive that you notice that the limo isn't moving. And hasn't been for a while. Your head pops up in confusion and the little GPS display on the back of one of the seats says... yep.

You're already at Mallek's.

But then why is the engine still on? That can't be good for the environment. Do these things even run on gas or is it bugs? Bug gas? Gross.

You notice then that the rumbling is coming from behind you. Like. From where Mallek is sitting. He doesn't look away when you turn to him, just kind of tilting his head to the side with a little bit of a cerulean hue to his cheeks. Oh. Oh, the sound is coming from him. He's purring. That's.

That's adorable.

You feel yourself soften even more when he lifts his arms, silently offering a hug if you want it. Is this platonic? Is this more? You've never had too much trouble identifying what people wanted from you. (Debatable.) If was overtly flushed you could shut it down or divert it to something very much friends only. (Like your every exchange with Zebruh.) But did you even want to do that to your hackerman? You could feel yourself screaming, no, absolutely not. But at the same time, you didn't want things to change. You didn't want to make his issues any worse than they already were. He didn't have too much longer on the planet and you knew it would tear him apart.

But then he turned those blue eyes to you. He looked just as unsure as you were but he was willing to take the risk. He shoved himself so far out of his comfort zone for you and was asking you to be selfish. To want something for yourself and do something for yourself. Not put him or anyone else's wants first. Just your own. And so you did.

You crawled up into his lap, pressed yourself as close to him as you could and clung to him. His arms didn't hesitate to wrap around you and you could feel a shuddering breath from above you.

"We don't have to put a label on this... not yet. Or ever. Either way is chill with me. I just... yeah." He gave up with a little shrug of his shoulders but you knew what he meant. Unless you could find a way to fight fate he was going to go off-world. He was going to leave you and you doubted you'd be able to go with him. You'd probably get gored by a drone for even trying.

But even if it was just for now, just for a moment, you were going to take it. You were going to let yourself have something, have someone who would care for you no matter how long or short your time was. You'd take it. You had stomached some of the most horrible things on this planet but Mallek had always been a constant. And you got the feeling he thought the same way about you.

So, you'd take it. Whatever comes next, you'd take it. You listened to the sound of his purring, in no hurry to move to get inside the apartment. Mallek felt the same.

You exhaled.

You would be okay.

[outerspaceisbetterthannothing]

what about having alpha calum help you through your first heat? imagine being overwhelmed and scared as this is your first heat off of heat blockers but he’s there every step of the way. you get sweet loving alpha but also bomb dick, it’s a win win

Hey. Sorry answering your ask took that long, but i hope you’re still here to see it. This little episode gives more details to Calum and Emily’s story and explains his former issues with omegas, which I mentioned in the beginning of “The Girl Who Cried Wolf”. The smut is not that massive. Hope you enjoy.

The town fair was in full glow. Hot summer night filled with all the lights and smells of popcorn and caramel. Calum was walking along the fair with his yet only pure blood and two more best friends, merely to spend the evening, not tempted by the flashing lights of a kissing booth or a ferris wheel. He was young, just turned 21, and only a year and a half an alpha of his own pack. They were messing around with boys and he didn’t see Emily, until Ashton started mocking him again. Calum warded the mocking with a simple shrug of his shoulders and went in an opposite direction, not forgetting to spare Emily another lingering look though. He liked her, he really did. She was younger, the daughter of one of the first families in his pack. Sweet and cute and funny, she was probably everything a young wolf like him could wish for. But she hasn’t ascended yet and that complicated things. At least for Calum. He understood his duty of an alpha despite his young age, and even though Ashton often teased him for being too serious about it, Calum just couldn’t help it. Pack was the most important thing in his life and he couldn’t jeopardize it just because he liked the girl. Especially if the girl liked him back. 

He went back home pretty late. A little house he purchased couple months ago, after his and Ashton business started really taking off. The rooms were empty and Calum wondered for what seemed like a hundredth time what it would be like to come home where someone was waiting for him. He missed his family, though never regretted leaving them to go and seek his own fortune in this world. But imagining being with somebody still was odd for him. Maybe he should have gotten a pet?

The knock on the door worried him, as it was already past midnight. Emily’s parents were standing at his porch, fear and distress in their eyes. 

“Alpha?” the older woman looked at him, all her trust in him settled in her silent request.

Her husband was keeping silent, topic too delicate for him to discuss it with another man. But his wife handled everything right. Telling how Emily came home after the fair visibly ill and refused any food. And how later her mother found her on her bed, temperature rising and her mind clouded with lust. They were old enough to recognise an omega ascending and as there was no romantic interest in Emily’s life (at least not one they knew about) they came to the only wolf who could take responsibility for it. 

Calum only nodded and picked up his car keys. The ride to their house was short, he had exactly enough time to leave messages to Ashton and Mike. He entered the house and went upstairs as quietly as he could, not to wake up Emily’s two younger brothers. He knocked at her door, merely to show respect, as he entered the very next moment, not waiting for the response. She was on her bed, her pj tight around her thin frame, her skin covered in cold sweat. He kneeled down at her bed, stroking away her hair out of her forehead. 

“Emily?” he called on her almost in a whisper. 

“Hey, alpha,” she tried to smile.

“Do you know what’s going on with you?” Calum asked. It wasn’t a question for him, he could smell her from the front door, but he could imagine how confusing it might be for her.

Her weak nod was the only response she was capable of. He could see her body shaking and asked himself, if it was from lust or fear.

“Okay, gonna take you from here, alright?” 

“You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to,” she whispered before he even touched her.

Calum looked her in the eyes, all the worries of the world dancing inside them. He sighed. “Are you afraid?” he asked instead of answering her awkward offer of an escape for him. He didn’t want that escape in the first place. And for that matter, he wouldn’t be able to now, for her scent driving him mad, playing with every nerve end he had in his body. Wolf instincts, as old as the world itself, were leading them now. 

Emily met his straight look and nodded.

“Are you..?” Calum started, not able to finish his question. “Have you..?” he tried again. 

Her smile was weak, the only reaction she could profes to his endearing awkwardness. “I’ve been with men before,” she answered.

“Then what are you afraid of?”

She shrugged. Then took a deep breath. “You,” she stated simply. Then added, “Myself. What’s going to happen. How it’ll change my life.”

“Nothing will have to change,” Calum said, pushing a small smile for her. “You’ll just know your place in the pack. But everything else will stay the same.”

She nodded again, hey eyelids flattered, lust she never knew before overwhelming her.

“Now, do you trust me?” Calum asked, getting they had little time.

“With my life, alpha,” Emily whispered. 

Without wasting any more time, Calum picked her up from her bed and went downstairs. He already talked to her parents, explaining what he was about to do and getting their silent consent. 

By the time they came back to Calum’s house, Emily seemed almost unconscious. Her hands were shaking like crazy, eyes were looking past object without seeing them, her mind clouded with her need and Calum’s presence. Calum led her to his bedroom and left her for couple of minutes. When he came back, Emily was just standing in the middle of the room, her wondering look on the bed, hands clasping on her own shoulders. Calum put the glass of water he brought for her on the bedside table and turned to Emily. 

“Do you know what we have to do?”

Emily shivered visibly, her hands still on her shoulders. “Yes, alpha,” her voice was weak and she was afraid to look at Calum. Surprisingly she was more shy of what she felt to the wolf before her, than of what they were about to do. 

“Is there anyone you’d rather have here than me?”

“No, alpha,” she said, this time looking at Calum with sincerity. 

Calum nodded and came up to her. Cupped her face, waited till she closed her eyes and kissed her. The kiss was long and tender, his plump lips so soft against her bitten ones. A whimper sounded between them as she leaned into the kiss, pressing her hands to his chest. He brought her closer, one of his arms enveloping her shoulders. His free hand went lower, squeezing her bum and making her whimper again. 

Calum felt his blood starting to boil. He’d liked this girl for so long, and having her now like that, pressed to him and moaning into his lips was turning him on beyond control. Emily put her arms around his neck and pulled him even closer, only thin layers of clothing separating their burning bodies. She stood up on her tiptoes, her abdomen brushing over his half hard cock and he had to stop for a moment, not to throw her right on the bed and take her as hard as he only could.

“Alpha?” she asked, taken by surprise, nervousness back in her voice. “Did I do something wrong?”

Calum huffed, soft smile back on his face. How could she ever do anything wrong? He came up to her again, kissing gently the corner of her mouth and tugging on her tee. 

“Let’s take this off, yeah?” he whispered, his lips going lower to her shoulder, while his hands sliding up her sides, taking soft fabric with them. Emily lifted her arms, letting him take her top off, her hearing registered his hiss, as he understood she had nothing underneath. She tried to step back, to look up at him to understand what this hiss meant, but had no chance, as Calum pulled her in, his lips assaulting her neck. He moved her closer to his bed, laying her down on the cold sheets, his lips not leaving her skin, sliding lower and leaving the burning marks where they were touching her. 

“Alpha,” Emily whimpered, when his lips covered one of her nipples. Calum felt her shaking hand slide down his shoulder, her nails scratching his skin. He looked up at her, her eyes rolling up. He didn’t have time for this, he understood. Whatever he wanted to do, they’d have time for it later. Now he should have release her, give her racing mind a moment to slow down. And there was only one way to do it.

Calum rose up to her and kissed her lips, fast, sucking on her lower lip, and then mumbled, “Gonna do it fast, okay?”

Emily just nodded, while Calum picked up a condom from his bedside table. He sat up to pull his sweats down fast and roll the condom on his dick and turned then to Emily again. 

“Lift up,” he mumbled tugging on her shorts. She obeyed and Calum took them off in one go. And lost his breath, again. She wasn’t just wet, she was dripping. Poor girl must have been aching for him already. He picked her legs and made her lift up her knees. 

“Need you opened up for me, sweetheart.”

She didn’t have time to answer anything, not like she had any idea what she could answer to that. She didn’t even have so much time to blush, as Calum entered here that very moment and she saw it. Not stars, no random metaphor could do. Emily saw her destiny, her vocation. She knew her place in the world and in the pack and was accepting it fearlessly. 

Calum stayed with her through the whole heat. He was attentive, tender and quiet. Too quiet for Emily’s liking, but she understood it was difficult for him too. When the heat was over, he drove her back home, insisted on her keeping his hoodie and left without any other word.

He came back though, couple days later. Refused to stay for dinner, but walked with Emily through the park. They didn’t tell much to each other that evening, yet Calum left her with the light heart, seeing she was alright and more than just comfortable in her new role. But Emily wasn’t just relieved, she was elated. All her secret wishes were coming true, her alpha cared for her. And it was all she could care about. He mind was rushing in working out her plan. 

“Emily?” Calum didn’t expect to see her on his porch so late that Thursday night, but stepped aside nonetheless, letting her in. He could feel she was nervous about something, her adrenalin adding a sharp tone to her smell. 

“Hi, alpha,” she dropped under her breath, almost a whisper.

Calum winced from that addressing. He didn’t mind his wolves calling him alpha, knowing it was his rightful title. But there was something in the way she said it he didn’t like. Too much of an obedience, too little of a choice. “Please, you can call me by the name, when we’re alone,” the reminder followed as he closed the door. 

Somehow these simple words brought her to action. Calum didn’t mean anything but his own comfort, but she obviously seen much more in this friendly gesture. She turned back to him and closed the distance between them in two fast steps, her hands flying up to his face and her lips already covering his lips. The kiss was desperate, needy even. The moment their lips parted Calum took a step back. 

“Emily, you don’t…” he had no idea what he wanted to say. She didn’t have to? But nobody was making her. She didn’t want? Yet here she was by her own will. She didn’t know what she was doing? She knew everything better than him, he thought, watching her tiny dress slide down to her feet leaving her completely bare before him. 

“Yes, I do,” she assured him, kissing him again.

Calum tried to stop her, he really tried not to give in. But he was just 21, he really liked her and she was giving herself to him willingly. So he embraced her tiny body in his arms and tried to forget everything for the night. 

Though the morning did come after all. And brought all his doubts back. Only they were no longer doubts. The way she shivered the next morning and frowned as soon as her eyes opened, how quiet she was as if she was trying to hear something happening inside her, everything was proving him right.

Calum took a deep breath over a cup of coffee he made for her and gathered all his strength. 

“I think you shouldn’t come like that anymore,” he said softly, handing her the cup.

Emily looked up at him as if he hit her.

“I know what you were trying to do.” Calum put the cup in front of her, as she made no effort to take it. “But there was no need. If we were mates, you’d have gone into the heat right after your ascendance.”

Emily was looking at the table absent-mindedly. “I thought, it was because of the ascendance. I thought if we did it again…”

“Well, we did. You’re not in the heat. We’re not mates,” he concluded and looked at her shaking frame. “I’m sorry,” Calum added.

“It’s not your fault,” Emily responded. 

Calum only nodded. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. Just a random misfortune for the two of them. 

“But, we still can…” Emily started. Calum looked at her in confusion. “I mean, I know you liked me even before that. And you don’t have anyone. Let me stay by your side, alpha.”

Her eyes were full of tears and her voice full of hope, but instead of softening Calum, making him pull his guard down, it only make things worse. 

“Why do you want it, Emily?” he asked, voice full of iron.

“What?”

“Why do you want to be with me?” he repeated, his blood was boiling inside him. He knew the answer well enough, but she had to say it out loud for her own good.

“I… I just like you, Calum, what's wrong with that?” her voice was trembling even more, her fear now adding to the nerve.

“And why do you like me?”

Emily was looking at him with her eyes wide open, utterly stuck in search for an answer. 

Calum breathed out and ordered, not asked this time, “Answer me, omega!”

She couldn’t fight the direct order, no one could. “Because you’re my alpha and my purpose is to obey you,” words left her before she had so much time to process them. She covered her mouth with her hands, tears streaming down her pretty face, but it was too late. She couldn’t take them back. And there was nowhere to hide from the truth. 

Calum inhaled and leaned back on the counter, looking around his tiny kitchen. He bought this house not so long ago, but he knew it was a temporary shelter. If everything goes as planned, he soon will be able to afford more spacious one, with enough place not only for him but also for the one he’ll call his family. And this very moment it struck him he couldn’t imagine Emily in that future kitchen of his. He couldn’t quite fathom that woman now, but he was sure in one thing. Emily wasn’t her.

“I’m sorry,” he said again. 

“It’s not your fault,” she repeated. 

In a minute she wasn’t there, leaving his house silently. She didn’t need any other explanations. Wolves mated. Alphas never took advantage of the omegas of their packs. These were the laws they lived by and no one could change them, no matter how much they wanted.

***

taglist: @myloverboyash, @calumamongmen, @lfwallscouldtalk, @empathycth, @calpops, @talkfastang, @wastedheartcth, @ariannawoodxoxo, @dreamer-loves-lyrics, @fluffshawn, @cals-cigarette, @easierfor5sos, @outlandishnerd, @talkfastromance4, @thesubtweeter, @bandsrawesome, @sunnysidesblog, @shal-pal, @treatallwithkindness, @zhangyixingxing1, @madformichael, @c-h-i-l, @whoaitsannerieke, @rotten-kandy, @hopelessxcynic, @spankthetrashcan, @theodora-howyoudoin, @xcarondimonix, @clummycal, @vexxybexxy-blog, @fictionalfrustrations, @notsooperfect, @rbforsmileycal, @lmao5sosimagines, @wantirwinback, @acapurso, @thegirlallthebadguyswant, @quietlycalum, @ukulelecal, @flannelpunkcalum, @singt0mecalum, @heartbreakgirlisagoodsongcalum, @wildflowergrae, @burncrashbromance, @5saucewho)

[lover-of-midnight]

Difference - chapter 3

ating:

Mature

Archive Warning

Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Category:

M/M

Fandom:

Merlin (TV)

Relationships:

Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)

Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)

Leon & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)

Leon & Merlin (Merlin)

Gaius & Merlin (Merlin)

Characters:

Merlin (Merlin)

Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)

Uther Pendragon (Merlin)

Gaius (Merlin)

Balinor (Merlin)

Hunith (Merlin)

Nimueh (Merlin)

Igraine Pendragon

Additional Tags:

Hurt/Comfort

Emotional Hurt

Angst

Fluff

Soul-mates AU

magical arthur

Protective Merlin (Merlin)

Hurt Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)

Child Abuse

Insecure Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)

touch-starved Arthur Pendragon

First and third POV Arthur Pendragon

Second and fourth chapter POV Merlin

Then combined chapters

Strangers to Friends to Lovers

Self-Harm

Suicidal Thoughts

Camelot's original heir is coming back

Arthur Knows About Merlin's Magic (Merlin)

Alternate Universe - Magic

Other Additional Tags to Be Added

Language:English

Arthur slumped against his desk, his homework was forgotten for a moment. He signed tiredly. He walked to the window.

There was a shadow of a doubt in his eyes as he watched children playing, women talking. Men shouting to get people to the market.

He scratched at his arm, he wished the buzz would go away the itch for his magic to get out. He could still remember ten years ago when Uther had found out about his magic.

Since that day he forced it down, trying to forget the fact that he could feel it move under his skin searching for a way out.

Arthur jumped slightly when there was a knock on the door. “Enter.” His voice was almost dead.

Gaius pressed the door open his eyes were worried. “Sire?” His voice was loud in the quiet room. Arthur sank into himself slightly.

“Don’t call me that please.” His eyes showed the plea clear.

“Arthur are you alright?” Gaius glanced to the door before he looked at the prince again.

So many years had gone by, in the beginning, Gaius had tried to help Arthur master his magic, but the fear he had developed for Uther had made him press his magic down.

Blocking it from forming and begin an aid to Arthur. In the end, it also started to make Arthur ill, his magic needed to be realised but since he didn’t. He started to struggle to sleep, concentration was a problem for him.

When Uther had a query about it, Gaius had simply told him a lie, if he had known that it was of magic that made Arthur ill he would have a breakdown again.

“No. Uther wants me to lead the men to a druid camp.” He didn’t bother to say anything else, they both know that by the end of the night the whole camp would be destroyed.

“I can’t do it, Gaius, I can’t just go and kill them, they are like me.” The last part came out almost hysterically.

Gaius pulled Arthur into his arms but when he jumped back Gaius could only look at him with worry in his eyes.

“What did he do?” Gaius knows Arthur and that he would have stood up against Uther.

Arthur glanced to the floor, his hands balled into fists. He bit the inside of his lip. “Whipping.” His voice could barely be heard.

“Let me see, child.” Gaius kept his voice gentle even if he wanted to blow up in anger.

Arthur could only shake his head, he didn’t want anyone to see the scars, how much of a disappointment he was.

“Arthur it could get infected. Let me see please.” Gaius made sure to softened his voice slightly. How many more times would he need to do this.

Barley fifteen and he already had more scars than most soldiers. It took a few tries from Gaius before Arthur worked with him.

Arthur hissed slightly when the bandages pulled away from the wound. He could hear Gaius mumbling something under his breath but he didn’t bother to try and figure out what he said.

“What happened here?” Gaius looked at the bruises around Arthur’s hips. Some of them were new and some were already turning yellow.

He could see Arthur tensing up. “It doesn’t matter.” Arthur’s voice was thick and broke slightly.

“It does matter Arthur.” Gaius walked around Arthur to look him in the eyes. All he could see was despair, someone who was let down.

There was wild desperation in Arthur’s eyes. “It doesn’t matter, nothing to be done of it.” Arthur bit his lip to keep himself from screaming, this wasn’t Gaius fault, he only wanted to help.

Gaius could only nod, he would leave pain medication and a salve for him. When Arthur was ready he would hopefully come and talk about it.

“All right Arthur, if you need an ear you know where to find me,” Gaius said as Arthur went to lay down on the bed.

His body was trembling with pent up anger and hate for the situation. He wished that he could fight back be a better person but there is nothing he can do at the moment. Hopefully soon Uther would meet the other world but Arthur knows unless it is a murder he wouldn’t go so easily.

Gaius cleaned the wounds before he put on a salve to keep infection out and then he bandages them with clean linen.

“Come to me tonight that I can redo them please Arthur.” Gaius wished that he could pull him into a hug but Arthur didn’t allow contact since he was around nine.

“I will Gaius.” Arthur’s voice was small. Gaius could only nod, as he left just before he reached the door he stilled.

“Thank you.” There was a softness to Arthur’s voice Gaius didn’t like, he sounded like the dead and Gaius wished that he could do something to change that for him.

“Of course child.” Gaius gave Arthur an encouraging smile before he left.

Arthur felt like a part of himself was slowly dying. He didn’t know how much more he would be able to take.

Every since Uther had made it clear that he didn’t care about his son, the other noble-teens would try and hurt him for being born into the royal family.

He walked to the mirror, his eyes darted to the bruising on his hips, there were more on his thighs and legs.

They had thought it would be a fun game to try and make him scream, they had known he wouldn’t be able to go to Uther with it, so they got away. He sat down heavily on the floor.

Sometimes he wished that he could only stay in his room and never leave. What does it matter that he would one day be King?

It would be better to just go and work in the fields in some village than suffer through with this bullshit.

Arthur felt tears burning at his eyes. He still had a lot of work to be done, but at the moment he just wanted to leave for a while.

And that is exactly what he did, he didn’t tell the guards at his door where he was going. He didn’t bother to leave a note.

Arthur kept his eyes on the ground as he walked to the stables, he was glad that he was still in his training clothes, so hopefully, William would allow him to work with him in the fields today.

The mare snorted when he walked to her, Arthur grimaced as he got her ready, it wasn’t far to go but he hoped that it would help him clear his head somewhat.

“Let’s go girl.” If there was anyone that could have heard his voice they would have been worried for the young one sounded dead.

With a light tap the horse started to move, Arthur allowed her to gallop, the wind was slightly cold as it sliced into his face but it gave him the courage to gather his strengths.

Camelot soon becomes a blur behind him. Arthur tried to ignore the pain in his back and bum. It wasn’t worth it to think about it.

After riding for two hours he walked into the small village, it was nothing more than a few huts and an inn.

It was one of the closeth villages to Camelot but the earth was harder to work and for the most part, it didn’t look like there was anything that really grew there. But the people work hard and they were happy.

Arthur slid off the mare, he grimaced at the movement and for a moment he had to stop and take a breath.

A sound made him spun around. For a moment it felt like his vision was going to go black but he pushed it away. He wanted to be here and he wasn’t going to allow his body to just give in on him.

“Arthur, we didn’t expect to see you so soon again.” The man’s face was covered in dirt but his green eyes shined with friendliness.

“William.” Arthur greeted the man, he was sometimes surprised that the man could be so big as he was but Arthur suspected that it came with the territory of being a woodworker.

“What are you doing here son?” William led the way to a small hut a little bit further down the road.

“Just needed to get out for a while. I was wondering if you maybe have some work for me?” Arthur kept his voice light.

William was silent for a while when Arthur had turned up the first time two years ago he was close to falling off his horse. It took a few days before Arthur had regained enough of his strength to talk and soon thereafter the guards had shown up searching for the prince.

He had fled from Uther the first time he was whipped, without taking care of the wounds he had gone for his horse, letting her go wherever she wanted.

“You can come and help me in the woods. Maria is working in the fields today.” William glanced to where a young woman was busy to get the earth ready to plant seeds.

Arthur was silent as they walked to the woods surrounding the village. The people had a saying that you could only take what you need and when a tree was done you needed to plant two in his stead.

William handed Arthur a dull axe, he watched silently as Arthur sharpened the blade before he got to work.

It looked like the work was distracting Arthur from whatever demons were tormenting him.

Too soon late afternoon was on them.

“Come and rest a little bit, I am assuming you are going home soon?” William asked as they carried the last wood to the hut.

Arthur glanced at the sun. “Unfortunately.” William gave him a worried look but there is nothing they can do for him even if he fitted in with the village people.

Maria gave Arthur a small cup of goat milk, her eyes were a warm brown, her brown hair in a plait behind her head.

“Thank you, Maria.” Arthur gave her a friendly smile. He knows when she gets married that the person would be one lucky man.

After an hour Arthur was forced to greet them, he could feel some of the wounds had reopened through the day but he didn’t care. His mind felt clearer and he hoped that he would have a chance to do this soon again.

[g-on-ef]

So many Tears throughout The year

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A/N as promised here's chapter 4 of So many tears throughout the year ^^

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Shinya was a coward, he was not afraid to admit that; nor was he afraid to call himself that. Instead of confronting Guren he ran, like a dog between his legs. It bugged him that he didn’t have the courage to yell at the prime alpha or to put him in his place.

Instead of speaking his mind and tearing Guren a new one he ran. All because he did not want to be near him. As he lay in bed he couldn’t help but be thankful towards Erwin and Fried for forcing Guren and his friend to leave the club.

Erwin assured him that he will not be coming to the club ever again. Shinya asked if it was okay to not go to work for the next week, just to be on the safe side.

Erwin agreed and told him he could take all the time he wanted he would still be paid and no money would be deducted from his check.

Shinya was happy about that and left home. Crowley and Erwin of course escorted him home; making sure that Guren wasn’t anywhere near the club to follow him back to his home.

Once he made it there safe he laid on his bed and thought about what happened.

Shinya didn’t know what to do, with the knowledge of Guren here he needed to be careful, he had to make sure that Guren and his kids never cross the same path.

Taking a deep breath, he decided to let himself sleep and try as hard as he could to not think about the Prime Alpha.

To bad his mind had other ideas, memories of both him and Guren filled his head. Memories of their time together, the promises they made to one another and of course the first time they had sex together.

Shinya tossed and turned on his couch, sleep will not come easy to him.

The next morning found Shinya making a simple breakfast, that is if chocolate chip pancakes, French toast, with ham and cheese omelets, sausage links, crispy bacon, fruit salad, cheese biscuits, apple sauce with a side of hash browns consider a simple breakfast.

Last night was a disaster, no matter how hard he tried he just could not sleep. Images of Guren filled his mind and once his head started to reminisce on Guren’s naked body Shinya gave up on sleep, once 6 o’clock hit Shinya decided to get up and make breakfast.

Aside from dancing, cooking was one of the things that was able to relax him and whenever he was stressed he would cook and he may or may not go overboard but hey no knew that when he was stressed he over cooked.

“Rough day at work?”

a sweet voice said, startled he dropped his spatula, turning around he couldn’t help but cooed as he saw his baby girl dressed in a white turtle neck shirt with the sleeves stopping right below her elbows, high waist black trousers, with some sandals on her feet. Her hair was done in a simple bum showing off her beautiful blue eyes.



She looked so beautiful that Shinya couldn’t help but walk over to her and wrap his arms around her and give scent mark her.

Zoe giggled as she returned the hug and did the same.

“You look beautiful darling,”

Zoe smiled as father and daughter pulled back.

“Thank you papa, but you didn’t answer my question,” her soft smiled turned into a look of worry as she looked at the table.

“Did something bad happened?”

Okay so maybe someone did know that he over cooked he was stressed.

“Whoa, did something happen at work?”

Make that two someones as Eren came down and saw the huge buffet before him.

“Umm…well…”

“Who do we need to kill?” Yuu said as he grabbed a sausage link and began to eat it.

Okay so all three of his children knew when he was stressed, he over cooked, so much for keeping it a secret.

Taking a deep breath Shinya spread his arms open and all his kids ran into them. He hugged them as tight as he could.

If Guren found out about them…he would try and take them, if Tenri found out…he didn’t want to think about it, the kids were still 15, which meant that legally Guren could come and take them away from him. Hell, even Tenri could do it since technically he was Shinya’s legal guardian.

No, he would not let that happen, his children would never know their father (or sperm donor as his kids refer him as) was in town, besides for all Shinya knew he was only here for the wedding and then he would leave never to return again.

After all, why he would concern himself with a slutty omega when he had a pure one waiting for him.

“Papa, food is burning,” the scent of burning bread filled his nose as he turned to see the bagels burning.

Grabbing his spatula, he pulled all eight pieces off the pan and placed them on the plate and opened the window that was right above the sink.

All three kids looked at him before laughing at their papa.

Shinya turned and saw his kids laughing freely and over all being happy. He could not help but smile as he took in the sight.

He smiled and just enjoyed the joyful sound that filled his kitchen.

After their laughter died down Shinya told them that there was nothing wrong and he was just excited for his little girl and wanted to make sure she had a healthy breakfast.

The brothers looked at their little sister and smiled, they too were proud of her but their alphas wanted to make sure that the youngest member of their pack was safe so they each gave her both a mini taser and pepper spray in case she ever need to use it.

Shinya tired hard not to look upset, Guren was the same way, he would always give the omega something so that he could defend himself in case any alphas or betas with ill intentions would try and harm him.

He always ignored the nagging voice in his head that would always remind him how Yuu and Eren were exactly like Guren and not just in looks either.

Taking a deep breath, he served his kids some vanilla flavor coffee and handed it to each of them. The kids thanked him as they drank it and began to eat their food.

After cleaning the kitchen Shinya gave Zoe two containers, one for Levi to make sure he ate something and another for Zoe for her lunch. Zoe gave her father and Yuu a kiss on the cheek since it was time for her to go, Eren grabbed her bag as the two headed towards the door.

Eren had asked Levi if he could give Zoe a ride to her internship since his aunt worked there not to mention he had to go into work.

Mr. Hover wanted all his models there as he had to talk them about something important.

Levi of course said yes, and since he was always punctual, they knew the alpha would be waiting for them after breakfast, sure enough there was the alpha parked on the side of their house.

Both siblings walked over to him greeting him Zoe gave him the container of food while Eren gave him a kiss good morning.

The drive to her internship was filled with some Kpop song that Zoe begged Levi to play, the alpha would have said no but Eren also begged him.

And most of the times whatever Eren asked he got, especially since he never asked for much.

They pulled up at the building and stopped at the side of the road.

Eren turned and looked at Zoe with a serious expression.

“It anyone…and I mean anyone touches you, harasses you, belittles you, or makes you shed one single tear, tell me and I’ll kick their asses.

“Eren,” the omega whined.

“Don’t ‘Eren’ me little omega, if anyone makes you uncomfortable tell me or Yuu before you tell anyone else,”

Zoe nodded her head, ever since the incident with their papa at his work happened Yuu and Eren have become extremely overprotective with Zoe.

It got so bad that they would not let her be alone with her boyfriend even though Koji has been nothing but respectful towards Zoe and never pressured her to do anything that made her feel pressure or uncomfortable.

“Good, be safe okay,” he then pulled out his phone and handed it to her.

Zoe took it and placed in her pocket.

“If you can’t get to me call Yuu,”

“And if you can’t get to either one of them call me got it?”

Levi knew why his mate was overprotective of Zoe, he understood since over time he came to see her as a little sister and despite his aunt working here he didn’t trust any of the workers especially since he over heard his aunt talking about how some creepy alpha was harassing an innocent omega.

He did not want anything happen to Zoe and will kill anyone if they bothered her.

“Yes alphas,” she said in a timid voice. It wasn’t that she was scared she just knew when to fight back and when to back down, and she knew that this was one battle she could not win especially when both alphas were using their alpha voice.

“Good, now have a good day and please call me when you’re at lunch,”

“Okay,” she lean forward and peck Eren’s cheek before smiling at Levi knowing how if he wanted human contact with anyone other than Eren he’d be the one to initiate it, Levi smiled before leaning forward and pecking her forehead.

“Go, before you are late,”

She smiled as she got out and waved good-bye before heading inside.

Once she entered the building Zoe took in the sight, the building was huge, the floors were so shiny Zoe would beat that she could eat off it.

Smiling she headed towards the elevator since Hanji told her once she entered the building to head straight for the 13th floor. Getting in she was about to hit the 13th button when a man entered the elevator with her.

She turned and made eye contact with him, offering him a small smile Zoe asked,

“Which floor sir?”

“13th,” he said taking in the young girl’s features. Zoe smiled as she hit the button. Trying hard not to look anxious around this man.

“If I may ask, who are you?” the man’s deep voice asked.

She turned to look at him before replying,

“I’m Zoe Smith sir, and you?”

“Guren,” he said looking at the girl, she looked…familiar…something about her made the prime alpha want to grab her and scent mark her which was weird and admittedly a little creepy. Ignoring those thoughts, he asked,

“You’re the new intern right?”

“Yes sir, today is my first day,” she said with another smile. Seriously what was it about this girl that was giving him warm fuzzy feelings, the same feelings that he had whenever he was around Shinoa.

“Hmm…well I hope you know that you will be working with me Ms. Smith,”

“Oh, umm…I thought I was going to work with Hanji in the science department,”

“No, you were hire to work as my assistant,”

Wait…what?

“Umm…I thought-“

“You start at the bottom and work your way to the top, if you can show me and everyone else that you are capable of good things then you’ll be promoted, is that clear?”

“Yes sir,”

He turned and gave the girl a soft smile.

“Don’t worry, I’ve seen your portfolio, you have amazing ideas and you and Hanji will be working side by side in no time,”

The praise made the omega smiled and once again Guren was tempted to hug the girl.

“That’s good sir,”

They arrived at their destination and both got out Zoe and Guren stepped out and headed towards his office.

“Alright Ms. Smith, did Hanji gave you a tour of the building?”

“Yes sir,”

“Good, you’ll be sending files to and from other offices, you will also be attending some meetings with me, taking notes for me as well as answering calls,”

“Okay,”

“Any calls from my wife are to be sent on hold, unless it involves our daughter I don’t wish to speak to her while I am working,”

“Okay?”

“And all emails are to be send to me or my secretary,

“Yes sir,”

“Good now tell me about yourself,”

“Umm…well I have two brothers and father I like science and wish to run my own business someday,”

“I see, is that all Ms. Smith?”

“Yes sir,”

“Alright then, what’s your status,”

“Omega sir,”

“Very well, according to our records you’re the youngest intern we ever hired,”

“Is that good or bad?”

Guren chuckled.

“It’s good, in fact I am impressed with your credentials, especially since you had the highest grade out of all our interns.”

Zoe smiled at the praise and bow in respect.

“Thank you, sir.”

“Alright we have a big meeting and we should start heading out,”

“Of course sir,”

Guren showed her were to put her stuff at, she placed her bad down before grabbing a notebook and pen before showing Guren she was ready.

Smiling at the young girl he gesture for her to follow him.

“Both Zoe and Guren headed towards the conference room, they were the first to arrive and began to get themselves situated.

Zoe was excited and ready for the day, she knew today was going to be good, she could feel it in her heart.

How wrong she was…

[ladyfogg]

May I? - 12/?

May I? - 12/?

Fic Summary: Ensign Faith Diaz struggles to hide her mental illness from her fellow shipmates aboard the Enterprise until an intrigued Data goes out of his way to try to understand her behavior. At his insistence, Faith tries to figure out what she’s truly passionate about and eventually seeks the professional help she needs. Fic Masterpost.

Fic Rating: NC-17

Pairing: Data/Female OC

Warnings: tw: depression, tw: anxiety, fluff, friends to lovers, eventual smut

Screenshot by @ lyrslair

Faith stirred awake. When she opened her eyes, she rolled over hoping to see Data. At once she knew he wasn't there. His easel stood abandoned where he had been painting when she fell asleep. She craned her neck around the door frame to see if he was sitting at his console. He wasn't.

She sighed and lay back down. It was then that she saw the rose on the nightstand. It definitely hadn't been there before. 

Smiling, she reached out to touch the petals before rolling onto her back. Faith stretched and her foot nudged something that moved. She glanced down to see Spot give her a sleepy glare before yawning. 

"Morning, Spot," she said. "Did he leave a while ago?"

Spot stretched as she stood, before hopping off the bed in search of water. 

Faith chuckled at the cat's indifference before getting up. "Computer, what's the time?"

" The time is oh-six hundred and ten hours."

She needed to get ready and find out what was going on. She assumed his sensors found something and she was eager to see what it was.

Faith headed back to her room to shower and dress. Once she was under the spray of the hot water, her muscles relaxed and she began to wake up fully. She had now slept in Data's room twice and twice she woke up more rested than she had in years.

She might even have dreamt, but she couldn't remember.

As she pondered her new relationship, she couldn't fathom how much Data had become a part of her life. Why had she been so afraid? She knew she was only a few days in, but it felt...different from her past romantic encounters. In a good way.

She had always known Data was special, but it wasn't until she spent more time with him that she realized just how special he was. She hoped she would be worthy of his kindness and consideration. She definitely would strive to be.

As for the potential sexual aspect of their coupling, his bold and honest approach to talking about it was something she was not used to.

Faith never really liked talking about sex. Mostly because her previous encounters had been anything but stellar. Anxiety made it difficult to live in the moment and when her mind wandered during sex, it hadn't exactly made for the best time.

She didn't want that to happen with Data. She cared about him too much. He deserved to have someone give him their full attention. 

While she knew his brain functioned at a faster rate and he often thought of many things at once, she never faulted him for it. For one reason, he couldn't help it. That was the way he was built. And for another reason, she struggled with a very similar situation so she understood what it was like. Not in the same sense of course, but still.

Faith finished her shower and dressed. She almost headed out after taking her medication, but then she remembered that she hadn't eaten. 

Just have something small. It'll make Data happy. Well, his version of happiness.

She went to the replicator and got a blueberry muffin with her usual coffee. She was two bites in when she thought she could use something savory to go with it, so she got a side of bacon.

While she ate, she scrolled through her terminal, looking up the reports from the evening. They'd be reaching the starbase within the next two hours which would mean the repairs could begin. Of course, they were stuck there until they were complete but that would give them time to figure out a plan moving forward.

Though, now that Geordi was head of the investigation, Faith was free to focus on her new status in Engineering. She had worried the others would have a problem taking orders from her, but the transition had been a surprisingly smooth one.

The door chimed and Faith was dragged out of her musings, "Come in."

Deanna entered with a smile. "Good morning. I thought I'd stop by early since we haven't had a chance to meet with everything going on."

"Good morning, Counselor. Can I get you some tea or coffee?" Faith asked, turning off her terminal. 

"Tea would be great."

Faith carried her breakfast over to the table before getting Deanna a fresh mug of tea. The two women sat together.

"Your appetite seems to be returning," Deanna noted as Faith took a bite of bacon.

Faith nodded. "A little bit. Mostly I'm eating because I know Data worries when I don't."

"Things seem to be going rather well with you two," Deanna commented. 

"It's only been like two days."

"What's been two days?"

Faith busied herself with her coffee so she wouldn't have to answer. Deanna, of course, could read between the lines.

"Was he your mystery date from the other night?" she asked teasingly.

"Don't think it was much of a mystery," Faith said. "You knew we both liked each other."

"I did. Also, you held hands on the Bridge." Deanna pointed out. "However, I did not expect you to act on your feelings so soon."

Faith froze. "Do you think I'm jumping into something too fast? I knew it. I should have waited! I mean, it felt right but maybe I—"

Deanna reached across the table to place a hand on hers. "Hey, hey, slow down. That's not at all what I was saying. I only meant that I thought it might take you a while to sort out your feelings."

"So you don't think this was a bad idea?"

"I think you and Data have a deep connection. I am proud of you for taking the chance."

Faith relaxed in her seat with a deep sigh. "I'm proud of me too. Data is…" She trailed off with a smile. "Unique."

Deanna smiled as well, patting Faith's hand before picking up her tea. "He truly is. And he obviously thinks the world about you."

"Did everyone know about our feelings before we did?"

"Yes."

Faith laughed before taking a sip of coffee. She could see Deanna studying her oddly. "You look like you have something else you want to say."

"I do," Deanna admitted, putting down her teacup. "I assume you've thought about the unique circumstances that come with dating an android."

"Yeah. Well, I mean I know it's going to be different than dating a human," Faith said. "There's a learning curve of course, but it's not like I'm a huge dating expert either. Be decided to take it slow, together."

"It sounds like there's a lot of communication," Deanna smiled. "That's a great start."

"You know Data. Sometimes there's too much communication," Faith admitted, going back to her breakfast as Deanna chuckled. "But he's cute and he means well. I'd rather talk a lot than not at all."

"Commander La Forge to Lieutenant Diaz."

Faith put her coffee down and tapped her communicator. "Diaz here."

"If you're up, you might want to meet us in the Brig. There's something you're going to want to see."

Faith and Deanna shared worried looks. "On my way." She stood. "Counselor, maybe you should come with."

"I think so too. Let's go."

The two women headed to one of the few areas of the ship Faith hadn't visited. Her brain immediately went to a dark place. Was Data alright? Did something attack him? What's in the Brig? Oh god, is he in the Brig? No that's dumb. You're overreacting.

When the doors to the Brig opened, she heaved a sigh of relief as she saw Data standing next to Geordi and Captain Picard. All three stared into one of the cells and when Faith approached, she was met by a strange sight.

At first, the cell looked empty. She couldn't see anyone until something on all fours threw itself against the forcefield, appearing in mid-air as it flew backward from the force. 

The creature was small, barely four-feet tall with a long dirty tunic and goggles that made its eyes look huge. It looked like it had welded bits of metal to itself, creating a makeshift armor. Its teeth were sharp when it bared them to her, crooked and yellow as it got back up and attacked again. The forcefield held. It snarled and jabbered in an unknown language, suddenly walking upright as it paced. It waved its hands, its four-fingered hands.

There was a shimmer of light and then it was gone, cloaked by either technology or its own abilities. Faith guessed the latter.

"What the hell is that?" she asked.

"We do not know," Data answered as she moved to stand by his side. "We tracked its signature around the ship for an hour before Lieutenant Worf was able to subdue it."

"How did it get on the ship?" Picard asked.

Geordi held up a device that looked like a wristwatch. "This transporter. At first Data and I thought it traveled inter-dimensionally, but it used regular transport technology. It must have tapped into our computers in order to use the transporter frequency."

"Luckily I included transporter readouts into the device I created. It boosted our sensors which caught the creature moving around the Enterprise," Data explained.

"Is it at all connected to the ship that attacked us?" Faith asked.

"It would seem so," Data answered. "I detect similar technological signatures between this creature and that ship."

"But why?" Deanna asked. "Why is it here and why did its ship attack us?"

"Maybe it bummed a ride and its comrades thought we kidnapped it," Geordi suggested. 

"Regardless of the reason, we must assume it will return," Picard said. "And we need to find out how it got on in the first place."

"I did not think it was possible it transported with the away team," Data said. "However, based on its technological know-how and natural cloaking features, one can conclude that that is the most logical way."

"Counselor, can you sense anything?" Picard asked.

Deanna took a tentative step towards the cell, focusing on the alien. "Anger and fear mostly," she said. "Both are very strong. It is a sentient being, it knows where it is. But beyond that, I can't tell."

"Now we need to find out which planet it came from," Faith said. 

"Well, we can't get very far until our repairs are done," Picard said. "Let's figure out where it came from so we can return it."

"Is it secure in there?" Faith asked, unable to keep from worrying.

"We have removed anything that can be used as a weapon and reinforced the forcefield. It will not be escaping," Data assured her. 

"Good to know," Picard said. "La Forge, Diaz, report back to Engineering to prepare for the repair crews. Mr. Data, report to the Bridge and have Security increased in this area. Let's not take any chances."

"Aye, sir," they said, recognizing a dismissal. 

The three of them left the Brig, although Geordi seemed to walk ahead of Faith and Data, giving them their space.

Faith fell into step with Data. "Missed you this morning," she said under her breath. 

"I did not wish to wake you," Data said. "I understand sleep is difficult."

"Thank you for the flower. It was very sweet."

They reached the turbo-lift and stepped in with Geordi. When it stopped at Engineering, Faith told him, "You go ahead. I'll be there soon."

He gave them a smirk. "Take your time," he said, stepping off the lift.

When the door closed and the lift began to move, Faith said, "Computer, pause lift."

It stopped and she turned to Data, who gave her a quizzical look. "Why did you do that?" he asked. "The captain told you to report to Engineering."

Faith smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck. "I will. I just wanted a minute alone with you." Looking into his eyes, she allowed herself to enjoy the moment, letting fear and uncertainty wash away.

He was so much more handsome than she ever realized. The flawlessness of his features never ceased to amaze her.

"I see," Data said, placing his hands on her waist. "Would you like to make out?"

Faith laughed at the blunt question, feeling her face grow flush. She thought about declining but really, she'd only be hurting herself. "Yeah, okay."

Data cupped her cheek and drew her into a kiss, harder than she anticipated. She nearly stumbled backward, letting out a muffled noise of surprise, but his free hand caught her, palm pressed firmly against her lower back. 

Data drew his mouth away at the sound, looking at her questioningly. "Are you alright? Did I hurt you?"

"No, no. Not at all. You just took me by surprise," Faith said, already breathless. 

"It was my understanding you enjoyed when I took charge. Has that changed?"

"Nope, not at all. Come here."

She kissed him this time, moving her lips against his. Her desire was overwhelming, muddling her mind yet heightening her senses. Her body erupted with goosebumps, heat coursing through her veins. Data's hand slid into her hair, cradling the back of her head as he increased the pressure of his kiss.

Faith lost herself in the feeling, giving over complete control. He accepted it, massaging her lips with near-perfect precision while holding her flush against his chest. She felt like putty in his clearly very capable hands. It was suddenly way too hot in the turbo-lift, every inch of her body craving to be free of her uniform so she could feel Data's skin along hers. 

Her head spun and she suddenly remembered she needed to breathe. She broke the kiss, gasping. 

"Hooboy," she panted. 

Her chest heaved, lips slightly damp with spit. Data stared into her eyes, seemingly unfazed by what just happened. But she knew better. She had already begun to learn to read his expressions. It was his eyes. They looked at her differently each time they kissed. She couldn't explain it, but she felt it deep in her bones.

"Your temperature has increased dramatically," he commented.

"That's because I am extremely turned on right now," she blurted out. 

His eyes widened, head cocking to the side. "Interesting. So you do not require manual stimuli to become significantly aroused?"

"Maybe you're just a damn good kisser, Data," she smirked. 

"Perhaps we should test that theory."

"Stars, yes!"

She went in for another kiss, grabbing his wrist to bring his hand to touch her somewhere anywhere. But before anything else happened, the lift beeped, signaling it was being called. 

"Damn it!" Faith growled, resting her forehead against his.

"Perhaps now is not the best place and time," he said.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

Data allowed her to stand up straight and step back. She fixed her disheveled hair as his arms slipped from her waist.

"We'll finish this later," she promised.

"I would like that very much," Data said with a soft smile. "Computer, resume."

The lift continued to move and as soon as the doors opened, she slipped past Ensign Ro who stepped on. Faith shot Data a smile and small wave, which he returned. 

She took the long route to Engineering so she could cool off a bit. Kissing had never produced such instant lust before. She needed to be careful or she was going to throw her whole "going slow" plan out the airlock.

Geordi was in his office when she arrived. He waved her in. "Diaz, we'll be reaching starbase soon. I want you to coordinate the repairs to the shields. Barclay and I will handle the warp repairs."

"Will do, Commander," she said with a nod. "Did they give us a timeframe on when this will all be done?"

"A few days at least," he said, getting to his feet so they could walk. "We won't know for sure until they come aboard. All non-essential personnel are being evacuated to the base. Some of the power systems are going to need major repairs so it'll be safer if fewer people are on board."

"Understood."

As she made a move towards the shield console, Geordi stopped her. "Hey, one more thing."

"Yeah?"

He smiled and leaned in close. "I'm really happy for you two."

She couldn't help but smile. "I'm happy too."

After that, the focus turned to ship repairs. 

In fact, Faith wasn't able to think about anything else for the next two days. It turned out that the damage was a lot more extensive than they originally thought. Faith and Geordi spent hours working with the repair crews trying to get things done as quickly as possible. 

Data was required on the Bridge as he tried to solve the mystery of where their alien prisoner came from. She only saw him at night when she went to visit him in his quarters after her shift.

They'd have dinner while he filled her in on the search, then she'd pass out while he worked.

On the third day, Faith joined the senior officers in a briefing meeting to share the results of his search. 

"In scanning the Modrore system, where it is highly likely this entity came from, I narrowed down the possible planets to one," Data said, showing them the planet in question. "While most of the planets in the system had abandoned ruins, the second planet had considerably newer ruins than the others. I compared the organic DNA and fingerprints Faith and I found to our prisoner. They are a match. There are traces of that same organic matter in high levels on that planet."

"As I recall, the atmosphere there was a little choppy," Riker said. "If a storm rolls in, transporting may be difficult."

"We are also not moving anytime soon," Picard said. "Data, what would you suggest as a course of action?"

"The planet is not far from here," Data said. "I suggest I take a shuttle to the planet to gather more evidence. Anything larger may attract unwanted attention. It will take fifty-two hours with a shuttlecraft. By the time I get there and survey the planet, the Enterprise's repairs should be complete."

"And then we can meet you," Picard finished.

Data nodded as he took his seat next to Faith. "Exactly."

"I don't like the thought of you going there alone," Riker said. "Someone should go with you to help."

"I can go with him," Geordi suggested. "Data and I know exactly what we're looking for."

"No," Picard said, shaking his head. "I need you here to help finish repairs. Lieutenant Diaz will go."

Up until then, Faith had been silent. The idea of Data going out alone had not sat well with her either. But never in a million years did she expect she would be the one to go with him.

"Sir?" she asked. "Me?"

"I agree," Riker said. "Diaz is great, don't get me wrong, but the Away Team should be led by me."

"I need you here, Number One," Picard said. "Unfortunately this isn't the only important mission on our hands. We are receiving a special visit from Starfleet and I need my First Officer with me to attend. Lieutenant Diaz is well-versed in the alien technology and has shown she can handle herself in a crisis. I think she'll do just fine."

Faith's head was spinning. She could feel the other officers looking at her and tried not to let her anxiety show. "I can handle it, sir."

"Excellent. Well, that's settled then. Mr. Data, Ms. Diaz, prepare for your mission and let me know when you're ready to go. Dismissed."

Faith felt lost and numb as she got up from the table. She had never been on a mission or an Away Team before. Not to mention, the idea of being in an enclosed shuttle for a long stretch of time did not appeal to her.

She didn't say anything in the turbo-lift, too lost in her own thoughts. In fact, she didn't even realize Data had followed her to her quarters until they stepped inside and he took her hand.

"You are nervous," he stated. "I will say there is a twenty-percent chance of encountering danger on this mission."

"I've never been on an Away Team," she said. "I'm just surprised the captain picked me."

"I am not," Data said. "It made the most logical sense. Geordi and Commander Riker could not attend, Lieutenant Worf must stay behind to guard the prisoner. Counselor Troi and Doctor Crusher do not possess the necessary knowledge and skills. That left you and me."

She followed his logic. "Yeah, I guess you're right." She took a deep breath. "Well, at least give me a little warning next time. I got really worried when you said you'd be going alone."

"I have gone on missions alone in the past."

"Yeah, but I wasn't your girlfriend then."

Data studied her. "Are we officially using those terms? I was unsure."

Faith hadn't realized what she said until he pointed it out. "I mean...I'd like to if you're comfortable with that."

"It does seem to describe our relationship accurately."

"Great. Good. Great." She cleared her throat. "I guess we better get ready."

"Yes. I must ask Lieutenant Barclay to care for Spot while we are gone. I shall meet you back here in an hour." He leaned down and kissed her cheek, before taking his leave.

Faith took a few deep breaths before she began to pack. She had just finished closing her bag when the door chimed. "It's open!"

Dr. Crusher entered and greeted Faith with a smile. "I thought you might need this for the trip," she said holding up a hypospray. "Since you haven't had any side effects from the medication, I put together a long-lasting dose so you don't have to worry about taking it every day."

Faith breathed a sigh of relief. "I was worried about that," she said. "How long will this last?"

"Two weeks. Much longer than I hope you'll need," she said, pressing the hypo into Faith's shoulder. "Figured longer would ease your anxiety. One less thing to worry about."

"Thanks, Doc."

"So? You excited?" Beverly asked, sinking onto the end of Faith's bed.

"Anyone would be about their first mission," Faith said. "I'm a little nervous but…"

"No! Not about that," Beverly said, waving her hand. "About being alone. For hours on end. With Data…"

Faith caught the insinuation in her tone and her eyebrows shot up. "Beverly!" she said in a scandalized voice. "You minx."

Beverly laughed, getting to her feet. "All I'm saying, you two are going to have a lot of time on your hands."

"Which I didn't think about until just this moment so thanks for that."

The doctor laughed again and gave Faith a hug. "You'll be fine. And when you get back, you, me, and Deanna will have wine so you can tell us all about it."

"This isn't a romantic weekend, Beverly. It's an away mission."

Beverly gave her a sly smile and patted her cheek. "Could be both," she said, wagging her eyebrows.

"Don't you have patients to heal or something?" Faith asked, shooing the doctor out of her room. "Go do your job. Stop being a perv."

"I'm going, I'm going," she said, hands up in surrender. "I'm just saying...think about it."

Faith watched her leave before sinking onto the couch with a whole new set of anxieties.

Trust me, that's all I'm going to be thinking about now.

[96xie]

2019

a whole summary of this difficult year

2019 was full of unexpected good and bad surprises along with lessons and experiences.

january

spent good time with mocha, wayo and brian

had such a good time with guildies from our game

met up with some other ppl from the same game and didnt feel too good bc i was never good with crowds and/or groups that were already well established

tried tinder for the first time because i thought it would be nice to put myself out there for once

feburary

continued my tinder journey and actually had fun with it. it was pretty scary at the same time because it was such a new experience talking to other people and to have them notice you? because i always knew and felt that i wasnt really the desirable one.

actually hooked up with a guy from last months meetup and hung out twice. thought it was going somewhere because he, too, showed signs to progress further ((was wrong because he lied and showed red flags later))

one major red sign to me: no response after genuinely saying thank you for rides and dinner. im the type of person who always says thank you because im honestly grateful for the little and big things. he basically shrugged it off.

also, a huge liar. yah, big no

i brought him to my friends birthday bc they and himself wanted to meet each other, it was fun while it lasted but stuff happened

towards the end of the month, i cut my ties off with him for being awfully mean to me and also cut ties with my “friends” for having really bad assumptions of me.

i was frustrated with myself at that time bc his cats gave me a bad breakout and i felt super ugly. also i wasnt sad over him, but over the fact that i let myself be treated like a second option. eventually i learned that it was good that i didnt let things go further and that i only deserve the very best.

even though i was hurt, i thought it was a good experience, esp since i havent really been in the “dating game” for years. like it was a just a small step to putting myself out there once again

a week later after that a classmate asked me out and got tons of compliments from him and wondered “the universe really works in crazy ways”

march

met some cool people through the same mobile game on a discord server and they were much better than the first group.

also met this really funny dude in the same group. like he was so fun to talk to and he understood my dumb lingo

remember when my classmate asked me out on a date? it turned out a bit weird. but considering this was my first date in YEARS i thought it was a cool experience. got some carne asada fries outta him

i had the dude i was talking to call me so i could leave the date tho LOL ((he helped me lots, esp how to deal with awkward situations with my classmate. also at this point, i really liked talking to him but i wasnt rly sure if i wanted to date other guys bc i had been hurt previously)

this month was pretty much dedicating most of my time talking to him and i enjoyed it alot

also went to pubs for the first time to hangout with my coworkers. such an interesting place

april

tried rollerskating for the first time ever, ended up with a bunch of bruises but it was cool!

also tried 7leaves for the first time and instantly fell in love with mungbean

also went clubbing in sf with my friends and it was such a fun time like i had SO much fun

i got auctioned off of SAD! that phase was just a crazy ride. while there was many that dm’d me, there was only one special person that i only replied to and continued to talk to him on a daily basis

((honestly, i was scared that i was taking things a bit further with him because a part of me was like “are you ready for this?” and “have you really recovered from that guy?” or “can you give this guy your all?” just alot of overthinking))

spent 4/20 at sf with my friends, and overall had a GREAT time. took too many hits and drank so ya gorl was crossfaded. not sure if i wanna do tht again tho

unfortunately woke up with a swollen face and it lasted for a LONG time.

may

so my face is still swollen, still bad, red as a tomato and at this point i was really hesitant to meet up with the guy ive been talking to. i mean!! my skin was SO bad. i felt like i was gonna make a fool out of myself by scaring him away

but,,,, he was still willing to see me despite my appearance and : ( he was so accepting and typing this makes my heart ache bc he is SUCH a good man : (

i met up with the guy towards the end of the month in sj and first thing he does when i walk up to him is give me this great warm hug and so many smooches !!!!!!! like my heart is melting

eventually we became official !!! he got us an airbnb for the night and we jus spent time cuddling on the bed and honestly i : ( i like him so much

june

my birthday wasnt rly that like “wow” it was actually kinda annoying

my bf flew up to sf where we met up, explored the city and slept the night in at an airbnb. next day went to oakland where i introduced my friends to him!

went to my first festival with several with my friends, including ppl from our same guild from our game and it was SO fun

rolled for the first time and it was SUCH an experience. redosed like twice and ended up hallucinating which is something ill def not do again

also i really wished my bf was with me at that time : ( while i had an extremely fun time, i wish i shared that moment with him : (

july

went to vegas for my cousins 22nd bday. shit was wild

also rolled there.

also threw up for the very first time

a fight broke out at the club and that shit was fuckgin CRAZY and it was RIGHT next to our table

also used alot of my money for the whole trip in which nobody really told me about so …. i was like ok.. fuck …

also my skin was still bad during these past months so it was pretty hard masking it

like really hard. with someone with terrible eczema, its just extremely hard to hide it

august

bf flew to sac!!! he met my mom for the first time and we explored the city and stuff

and went on an ikea date! and! honestly i just really loved spending time with him :c

we also spent time with my friends! they came over also! and ate some fuckgin bomb ass waffles

and then took bus down to la to meetup with some friends from our guild towards the end of the month!

it was pretty nice to be able to stay with my bf in his apartment !!!!!

also some scalding tea but thats rly for another time

to make it super short tho: our friend that we’ve known much longer than the girl he met (less than 3 months) dropped our friendship SO quick lol

september

cousin bonding @ beach, too cold for tht doe

towards the end of the month, my bf flew me down!!! so i spent the weekend with him and like always, only had a good time with him!

AND ALWAYS EATING GOOD FOOD!

october

during this fall semester, i took online classes and one of them was a 8week class. there was a topic about mental health and how we can take care of ourselves better and i just thought it was such an important thing to cover. i feel like its not talked about enough

november

spent thanksgiving with my family down in morgan hill and ate good food! honey ham has a special place in my heart.

went black friday shopping first at walmart, lowkey disappointed in myself because i was bummed out the apple watches were sold out. the materialistic part of me jumped out oof

slept at my cousins then went to the mall! didnt get anything besides really good bulgogi fries. i hated going into stores tho cuz everything was literally crowded. hated it !!!!!!!

went to a small festival in sacramento with my friends at the end of the month and this time is 7 of us (than the usual 5)! it was sososo fun.

also took my coworker with me, it was actually amusing to see bc our group were all asian and he’s the only tall white guy

made hotpot at home and we also went out for milktea and waffles again! sooo good.

december

flew down to see my bf again and only had a good time! went to this garden with beautiful lights and ! ugh! SO pretty!

cried in his bed before my flight back, cried on the plane, cried at home and cried before i slept. i miss him

also racked up alot of hours so i could pay for my tuition and my family’s bills. kinda sucks bc im pretty tired but i gotta do what do i gotta do.

christmas was a bit lonely bc my mom went to the philippines and i dont rly talk to my brother but my kuya came the next day and we ate n watched stuff

overall, it was a whacky year. but im so glad to have met ed. he means SO much to me. a part of me was so hesitant to date him because i mean, he’s man with his life set. i dont have a car, im still in school, i have this part time job where im giving my mom all my paychecks and which the only money im keeping is just my tips (not much), i still have issues with myself and other conflicts and honestly theres much to do, learn and grow from. but he’s so supportive, understanding and loving and i love and appreciate him from the bottom of my heart. most of the time i wonder if im doing and if im being enough for him. i worry about that alot but he’s so patient with me. i laugh alot when im with him and i feel so happy.

did i mention that we are long distance? him being in la and me in sacramento. so the only thing thats connecting us is facetime. maybe once every two months will i see him in person but yep. when i had my first panic attack, i really wanted him right next to me. at that moment i felt even more sad because of course you’re gonna want you’re significant other during a moment like that. but anyways, i always miss him and i always want him next to me and i always love him. i want to hurry up and get my education done with so i can be with him. not to sound like omg im so madly infatuated with him type of thing tho. he’s someone who understands me and knows how to love me.

i hope 2020 treats me well despite all the challenges ahead of me.

[mairzymarzipan]

Night of the Full Moon Character Reviews: The Big Bosses(Minus Werewolf)

Hello again

I know I said I’d be talking about the Hunter, Old Mage, Fallen Priest and so on today, but I realized that those characters were actually more interesting in the context of other characters, so I put them off for later.  I decided instead to talk about the main bosses of the game, as it so happens, are the closest people to Red Riding Hood.  Because this game wants to be an ironicy soap opera/anime that way.

When I say Big Bosses, I mean that you always fight one of these characters at the end of the game.  Unless you’re like me and you start all over at the end because you’re bored and tired of all four of them playwise.

Werewolf

Wait, no, never mind.  This is another one of those characters who’s more interesting in the context of different, non-Red Riding Hood Characters.  We’re saving this boi for later.  But, you shouldn’t too surprised, if you read the title.  Instead, I’ll just use this space to talk about a mechanic.

Throughout the game, you can get ‘courage’ and ‘reputation’ points by talking to characters.  Very very generally speaking, you get courage points by doing brave things, and you get reputation points for doing nice things.  You also can get courage points when a character talks shit about the werewolf, and reputation points when a character talks shit about the witch.  So naturally, if you have more courage in the end, you get to fight the wolf, and if you have more reputation, you get to fight the witch.  I guess what they’re going for is only a meanie would fight this doggo?  And the witch is who any empathetic person would hate???

I feel like the latter is not the case, but more on that later.

Witch

“Only your Hope family can lift the dark magic curse.  This is what the priest is most afraid of.  That’s why monsters run wild on full moon nights. First they made your grandmother disappear and then they drew you into the forest...but they never anticipated that you would make it this far.”

By the way, you’re part of a prophecy.  Only someone in your family can lift the curse on the forest.  jsyk

Yeah so, as you see, the Witch’s description does not really tell us much about the witch herself.  This description also pretty unique in that none of the other character descriptions go into the second person like this.  The description also kind of hints that Red dies in the timeline where she fights the witch, so that’s depressing.

Nah, to figure out what the witch is about, you have to delve into the fragments around her. 

So, you actually do encounter the witch earlier in the game.  In the third or sometimes second chapter, she will recruit to find some magic apples she lost.  She makes a mention about suspecting a queen of stealing them.  The apples, I guess, are just lying around on the forest floor, and you bite into each of them bc you’re a dumb lkid.  Each apple changes your stats by a few points and the witch does not at all seem upset that you hand her a bunch of bitten fruit at the end.  In fact, she offers you the choice of two random buffs, so that’s fun.

You’re likely to hear about her way before that, though, depending on who you talk to.  Generally anyone who’s been cursed feels like it’s the witch’s fault.  

But if you choose to fight her(or you might not get a choice in the matter) she accuses you of stealing said apples.  She’ll also talk to you throughout the battle until you defeat her- a trait that only the big bosses and a few of the newer ones have.  Her lines...make her sound pretty unhinged.  She’s speaks of disbelief that you would do such a horrible thing, and threatens you with with her magic, and talks about how misunderstood she is.

When you defeat her, she’s got a really interesting line, tho.

“No!  I don’t want to fight you!  I can’t!”

Huh.

Before I move on, let me talk about this other witch character.

Yep.  That sure is the art style this game is going with.

So this is one of the shopkeepers.  There are four different shops you can find along the way, only two of which have characters you can see in them.  This character is known as the Witch Apothecary...but you can only see that on the outside of her store.  Otherwise she’s just called “Witch”.

The thing is, along the way, characters will talk about the Witch and, they don’t specify that it’s not the one with the white hair.  They just talk about The Witch like she’s the only witch that matters.  So is this woman not really a witch?  A witch wannabe?  Nah, we already have one of those characters.  Could it me that the shopkeepers don’t actually exist in the story of the game?  That would bum me out, bc there’s this lesbian owl I want to be real.

But...I think they’re the same person using shapeshifting.  Or if you want a really wild theory, maybe there are time travel hijinks and she’s the Magic Apprentice grown up.  But I’m going to go ahead with the former.

Anyhoo.  I like the witch.  I’m gonna give her 🍎🍎🍎🍎 four apples

Priest

“They mistakenly thought that on the full moon night they could help the monsters quietly eliminate Little Red Riding Hood and her grandmother.  Once the Hope family was wiped out, the legend of lifting the curse on the Dark Forest would disappear completely.  However, they didn’t expect they would have to go personally and pay such a high price to fight their enemy. When the priest fell, the cursed monsters reverted to their human forms and the Dark Forest was no longer covered by snow all year round, but the church’s blind greed still remains.”

Again, not much is said about the priest himself.  The most interesting thing here is that he apparently is the keystone holding the curse together.  Interesting, because he seems to be letting the witch do all the work for him.  Usually in these stories, you have to kill the person who casts the spell to break the spell, not just their friend.  Is it because he, himself, is a stone?  That is to say, he turns into a statue sometimes.

Why the heck is he having her turn all his enemies into cartoon monsters instead of killing them, anyway?  Don’t tell it’s to make the game family friendly, bc in one of these timelines a child kills another child.  

Honestly, the priest/church just doesn’t make a lot of sense to me.  His big plan is selling everybody from his town as slaves.  Gross.  And the way he accomplishes this is by...making it snow all the time, and turning people into vampires and fire bears?  What?

He is.  A delight to fight.  I’m being sarcastic.  He’s a religious edgelord who likes to go on about how humans are sinners and everyone deserves to be punished.  Also she cheats by turning into stone.  Eh.  

It feels like someone just spun a wheel for of evil traits and just stuck them together haphazardly.  His evil plan is...human trafficking!  His personality is...self righteous!  His means is...tf!  His super power is...turning into a statue!  

He’s the biggest of bads but also not that thought out.  He’s super important to the over-arching plot and yet I have no idea why this guy does what he does.  I’m gonna give him 🗽🗽 two statues.

Mystery Men

idek why this person is called “Mystery Men”.  I’m guessing it’s supposed to be mystery man?  Or mysterious person or something?  I know I haven’t talked about the art much but, I do appreciate how much their face looks like a dog snout and her hood looks like dog ears.  It’s a neat touch.

This description was actually changed.  The new text is longer and more awkwardly worded.  I don’t like it!  And I don’t get why it happened.

But, yeah.  The very last enemy of the game- who you can only reach by playing through at least four times and defeating all three others- is your Grandmother!  Le gasp!

So what exactly went wrong with her?  Oh, nothing, she just has a big wolf growing out of her back(told you the concept was backed up by canon)

Is this her daemon or patronus or something?  I have no idea.  I’ve been calling her a werewolf sometimes, tho, bc she’s better at being a werewolf than the titular werewolf.  Which is to say she can revive instead of just healing.  Her buffs and deck change throughout the fight.  She’s a long battle, fun, except for her ear piercing voice.  She sounds a bit possessed.

I’ll give her 👁️👁️👁️ three big eyes.  She’s a fun battle, but I always mute it.  Also not real big on how the text got changed for the worse.  But she does add some good details to the story.

In Conclusion... 

Grandma’s text tells us a few things.  

1. Not only is the Hope family connected to this prophecy, but family members actually have the power to control the curse.  That leads me to believe that the person who got the curse started was a Hope themself.  

2. The church came along long after the curse was in full swing.  So the priest is not responsible for it.  Whether he’s a Hope himself is not relevant.

We also know these things:

1. The witch is still the one casting all the tf spells, which is part of the curse.

2. There are two timelines were Red has a natural gift for magic

3. In the Little Witch timeline, the Witch is teaching Red magic.  On top of that she’s v patient, which is surprising, for some reason.

4. The Witch seems a little out of touch with reality.  She sends you to find apples, and then yells at you for stealing them.  Almost like she thinks you’re another person.

5. The witch verbally expresses her desire not to fight you when she realizes who you are.

I have to conclude that the Witch is a Hope.  A Hope who’s close enough to have a fondness for Little Red Riding Hood, and is invested in her well being/education.  And yanno, is turns her enemies into pig people because she can.  

She helps you on your quest by giving you one of her own.  But earlier on, she takes on the form of the other witch offer you potions and the like.  She even gives you the first one in each chapter for free.

“My potions can change your appearance!”

Of course she can’t get too close to you.  She can’t reveal that she’s helping you.  Hence putting on a new face when she’s a ‘good’ witch.  One wonders if she’s trying to hide her identity from you, or the people she’s allied with.

Hey can we look at her description again?

Red doesn’t get addressed in the second person in any of the other descriptions.  There is a character who talks about his life in the first person, and we’ll get to him.  But this is odd to me.

What if Red isn’t being addressed here?  What if it’s someone else?  What if it’s the Witch?

What if the Witch was captured and ensnared in the priest’s plot?  What if he messed with her memory?  So then who is she?  Red’s sister?  It seems like she’s been working with the church a lot longer than Grandma’s been missing.  Also Grandma went into the woods on her own accord.  You could say that the grief the church caused her *made* her go out, but it seems weak.

So maybe a Hope in another generation, who lost her grandmother to- either the church or monsters?  Was it this other Grandmother who *started* the curse?

Dude, what if she’s your Mom?

What if instead of killing her the priest did...something...scared her enough to get her to work for him.  And messed with her memory so she couldn’t conceive a way out?  And sort of had her transfer the power of the curse to him so that people had to kill him to break it?

What if he had the Church Doctor scoop her brain out and put it in another lady’s head?  Who knows.

I’m not certain about the witch being your mom.  I think I would like that to be the case because it’s fun, but I’m not quite convinced yet.  I AM certain, tho, that the Witch is a Hope, and she cares about you.  She’s not just this cackling meanie turning people into flowers.  She’s...complicated.  And she needs help just as much as all the trapped monsters.

[dwightkschrute]

In 2014 and 2015 I did a my year in review kind of thing where I, of course, reviewed it and accompanied it with a picture from that month. I somehow forgot to post 2016 (until now) and forgot to do it at all for 2017 but unfortunately, I am back with a really disappointing year. I was debating not putting myself through the legit pain of “reviewing” this year but I think of how I love going through my 2009-2010 posts and seeing how much I’ve grown so this is for you, successful and cooler future me.

2016 and 2017 were amazing but 2018 was my most promising year. My boyfriend and I were going to move in, I was going to start my dream job; everything was perfect. It definitely started out as one of the best years of my life! Then exactly halfway through the year everything changed and I was left having to pick up the pieces and completely restart, making it one of the worst years of my life.

I started January in Mexico, which was the best, but my family and I got home early in the month. I had quit my job the month before so I dedicated the entirety of this month to job hunting. Our friend (my bf’s bff who became mine and my brother’s bff early on)’s dad got a boat so it was like we got a boat too because despite the cold, we lived on it. (My boyfriend couldn’t go on the trip with us, which he was super bummed about (and that we had to spend like 10 days apart which was killer then), so he was the one to pick us up at the airport and he greeted me with a bouquet of flowers. Out of the many gifts/gestures he gave me, that was one of my favorites.)

February I started my amazing new job so life was back to 40 hour work weeks and not having much time for much else. I was always attached to the hip to my bf so almost every day after work entailed going out with him or having dinner with my family or his. That was my month. My favorite part of every February is Valentine’s Day and this one was as amazing as the rest. I don’t even have enough space (of the allotted space I give myself for each entry at least!) to describe that day. (My bf at our Valentine’s Day dinner. We finished our long day at this restaurant (so, so cool, once popular with Old Hollywood stars) on Hollywood Blvd and it was dreamy and romantic and amazing.) Oh man, I don’t have a lot of interesting things to say about March. Oh, my parents got Influenza (A/B/idk tbh), so it was two weeks of my brother, bf, and I taking care of them. My dad has a serious chronic disease so it was especially dangerous for him so it was a stressful time. Once we weren’t in hazmat suits anymore (no but really, we were gloved and double masked around them and kept them quarantined), I’d be at work or with my bf. I also started to get close with a co-worker, who I quickly became close friends with! (My bf’s two huskies. I’ve just loved that picture since I took it! I’ve never been loved by a dog more than the one in the back of this pic. Not even by my own! He has a special place in my heart.)

April was barbecues at my house or my bf’s, trying every brewery and bar around, hikes, bike rides, beach visits, baseball games, boat rides, late night cooking and baking. It was lots and lots of love and happiness and I would give absolutely anything to go back to those days. (My brother and bf grilling on Easter. This was a familiar scene, I have so many pictures of this exact scenario, yet looking at it just now made me so emotional! Stop! They’re just grilling!) May was so exciting! Very first day I got a new car! I was so happy! It was long overdue because my finicky, expensive Volkswagen had to go and I’d fallen in love with the new Honda Civic (I’ll admit I have basic taste but I don’t care!) so I finally bit the bullet and did it. This month my bf and I, after a long time of “oh wouldn’t it be nice!”, bit the bullet as well and decided to finally get serious about finding a place together. So the apartment search started, but we soon realized our home, Orange County, was super expensive. My bf, in that “ha ha jk but I’m down if you are” way, suggested we pick up and move to Oregon and I immediately agreed. It just felt right and despite us being the most careful and non-spontaneous people ever, we decided to do it! So we began to research, look for apartments but most importantly, jobs. (My car the day I took it home!)

Uhhhhhh, well, June hurts to think about! We went to visit Portland, where we decided we’d want to live because that’s where the jobs were, on a quick trip since it was strictly “business.” Portland was everything I imagined and more. We loved it and I think we loved playing house in our airbnb more than anything about the city. Back in LAX we came to the easy conclusion that though we lived Portland, that’d require a lot and for our first time moving out we’d like to stay close to home and above anything else, we just wanted to live together as soon as possible. We immediately started to look for places in LA, we spent the month apartment hunting, and towards the end of it, decided on one we really liked, one he begged me to please say yes to so we can move in already. I was so, so, so happy this month but what made me happier was seeing my bf, I swear, even happier than me. I seriously felt unstoppable and was beyond excited for our future. (I had a lot of Portland pictures to choose from but my bf and I liked this one because it reminded us of Always Sunny for some reason.)

In July, everything changed. To start, I left my job. I thought, new chapter in my life, new job coming, I’ll live really far, I should leave now. So I did. My last day was an emotional day because I loved my job so much and every single person I worked with. That very same day, my bf and I broke up. For unrelated reasons to my last day, to our moving in, to our relationship, etc. We had an amazing, amazing relationship but he has a lot of demons and issues/insecurities he has to deal with and conquer, and though I was aware and was there for him and would continue to be by his side no matter what, he decided that this was a battle he had to handle by himself and I figure before he got into a more committed situation. It didn’t have to happen, though. I hadn’t talked about the specifics of the breakup on my blog so  sorry for changing the mood of the post, but yeah, July happened and it felt like my world stopped. Really regret quitting my job now, huh? I was hit by two huge losses and changes right at the same time.  (I took this on my friend’s boat 20 tequila shots in, drunk and sad as fuck. Not to get fake deep but how sad. Literally on a boat, beautiful sunset, would rather die.)

August was a blur and I’m still not convinced I didn’t just dream it. God, alright, here we go, the rest of the year is a mess so get ready. I fell into a deep depression fast. It also didn’t help that my dad had to start getting radiation/infusions for his illness shortly after the breakup. I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed. I started dating someone else and then I dated another guy shortly after. I wanted to replace and/or forget and I really thought that’d be the solution. I was miserable when I was with them. I took absolutely any opportunity to get really drunk or high, and the opportunity came often so I spent most of my days desperately trying to not feel anything. The only time I’d feel okay was when I was extremely high and I couldn’t even think. Since I had a lot of savings for my out of state move, I had a lot of money to blow, which I did. I realized I even liked the feeling of the temporary “high” of spending a lot and receiving the stuff. I’d hang out with any friend who offered (out of boredom? loneliness?) and even ended up on a mess of a Vegas trip. Worst month ever. Maybe. (Here’s a positive! I like that bathing suit and my tiddie looks so round!)

When September came I realized two months had passed and all I had done was be a huge depressed mess. I no joke forgot about work. I just straight up forgot. I started to look for a new job, which hurt me so bad because I had to face the fact that it wouldn’t be my Cool LA Dream Job anymore. I stopped dating. Most importantly, I completely stopped drinking and smoking because it’d almost always make me sadder but also it scared me that I had no self control nor did I care. I saw a whole lot of my close friends and they, along with my immediate family, kept me afloat this month because time felt like it was going so fast. I couldn’t believe that at a blink of an eye it was night again and then a new day. Time had no mercy for me, please let me hold on. (Me at a baseball game. Tbh I’m looking at this thinking, did this really happen?)

October started out nice because my best friend of years, who I unfortunately had a falling out with three years ago, reached out to me. I’ll always give her all of the credit for doing that. I can’t begin to explain what this meant to me. It was a nice, bright shine of light that managed to shine through the dark clouds. Having my best friend is exactly what I needed. I’m a big believer in the universe acting in mysterious ways and though I had grown disappointed in its little surprise for me lately, this was the kind I always appreciate. I spent a good part of that month with her, catching up and doing things just like we did back then. It was like nothing had changed. That’s all I remember about this month, and a super fun Halloween! That day was probably one of the best days in months. (My best friend Rylee and me the first time seeing each other in 3 years. We’ve had our blogs for 8-9 years so please follow her for quality content)

November was rough. I was frustrated because surely things should had been better by then. I was still feeling so low, I was going to job interviews to no avail, I “relapsed” and had a high/drunk off my ass on a boat messy moment.. To make matters worse, I accidentally drove up on a cement divider in a parking lot and my airbags deploy, which is so expensive to fix, so my car was out of commission for a month. Then I got so sick and I rarely ever get a small cold. I seriously felt like I was cursed, even the smallest thing felt like an insult towards me. The one good thing is that since July I had been forcing myself to go to the gym five times a week. My mom said exercising was the only thing that’d help her feel that sweet release of seretonin, endorphins, dopamine, and all that good stuff when she was depressed so, though I enjoyed going to the gym before, I did it just for that reason alone. It worked and as another result I got like pretty fucking fit. Revenge body, you’re one of the few good things in my life right now. (I literally had no idea what to choose so I said fine, here’s a pic of the scene of the crime. Whatever.)

In December I turned 26. Which I hate, naturally. I went to a million more job interviews. I’m seriously so embarrassed to admit that but whatever, it’s the truth. (I have a degree, experience, and an awesome cover letter..I’ll keep blaming the curse!) What kept me sane was that we had different family members visiting from the very beginning of the month. Playing with an energetic, adorable baby kept me distracted and happy. Having so much company around also distracted me (slightly, but it helped!) from the fact that the holidays and my birthday would be quite different now. I’m one of those annoying Christmas lovers, usually at least. This year everything just happened and I didn’t care. But I survived December! (I don’t care. This is the appropriate representation of 2018 and how I feel at the end of it.)

Jesus if you’ve read all of this.. I’m sorry you had to read about the mess of my year but really more like the mess that is ME. Yknow those like “people my age I went to HS with vs me” memes? I seriously went from being that bitch with a good paying job, brand new car, a serious, great relationship with a promising future together (Like. We would color coordinate outfits! LMAO. We would have dinners with both of our families together. We were obsessed with each other. You’d roll your eyes if you saw any of this. I can’t get over how perfect we were, it’s hilarious what happened to us.) and then at the blink of an eye I went to not having absolutely any of that, casually dating (something I’d NEVER done) anyone who resembled my ex and sadly and drunkenly puking off the side of a pier. Who is she? I don’t know, I got whiplash. (Queen of parentheses and side notes, I know. But another thing about me is... I’ve never been affected by people leaving my life. I’m used to it. I’ve never been anywhere as affected as I was when my ex and I broke up. This isn’t normal for me, my ENTJ/Capricorn ass doesn’t know what this feeling is.)

Please curse that has been put on me, release me. Whoever is attacking my voodoo doll, calm down! Please! I’ve gone through enough sadness and loss. If 2019 is even slightly as bad, I’m going to be like that pigeon I reblogged the other day that’s like “fuck this I’m just going to sit here.” I can’t even make a cute but corny, hopeful “hope 2019 is great!” comment. I’m literally begging you...pleading you... I don’t believe in karma but after all of this shit, I better have something much better in stock for me. “Good things are coming!” I fucking hope so. Like, I’ll be even more annoying right now and say that it’s not fair that I didn’t get to have the future I was about to have. I don’t care about any cliche you may have for me. One door closes, everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, etc. No. Why did all of this have to happen? What can be better than the future I was going to have? I felt so unlucky. It all feels like a nightmare and I’m just waiting to feel whole again. Oh shit I got really intense. I know I’ll get over it and life will be good again eventually but for now, I am still so mad. I would have never in a million years guessed this is how my 2018 would go. 

So fine, I’ve accepted things now, so now I’m impatient and say please prove me wrong, 2019. I’m THREATENING you to be amazing!

[ayearofpike]

Spooksville #20: The Dangerous Quest

Pocket Books, 1998 117 pages, 13 chapters ISBN 0-671-00268-6 LOC: not listed OCLC: 38115173 Released January 1, 1998 (per B&N)

Watch loves fantasy novels, but in Spooksville anything can become reality. His interest in one in particular has drawn a wizard to him, who has then placed a curse that is making him rapidly sicken. The only clues are the book and the Secret Path, and so the Spook Squad splits up to find a cure to Watch’s illness before it’s too late. But when they find almost identical other-dimension selves at the other end, we have to wonder if it’s ... TWO late?

Me and my big mouth. As soon as I knock on Night of the Vampire for being simple and straight-forward, we get this monstrosity (literally; it’s the longest one in a while). Magic, alternate dimensions, shapeshifting, multiple selves, and (not to scare anyone off too quickly) time travel all in one book. Let’s dig in.

Nobody knows Watch is sick until he suddenly collapses in the donut shop. He tells the story of trying to resell a book in the local bookstore the previous day when someone comes in looking for it. He invited Watch to discuss it over coffee, but before they even started talking about the story this weirdo touched Watch’s forehead with a green stone. He got dizzy long enough to not notice the guy leaving, but managed to follow him to Madeline Templeton’s tombstone. And it’s been getting worse ever since.

How long do the kids have? Probably not much. They agree to split up: Adam and Sally will retrace the Secret Path and try to find this obviously evil wizard, and Bryce and Cindy will work on finding the book and seeing what kind of connection there might be. This means starting at the bookstore, because Watch is pretty sure the dude never actually bought the book. They have to deal with the creepy bookseller, Mr. Carver, who evidently Bryce has a deal with about being allowed to keep his knives as long as he doesn’t use them on anything living? Squick. But he did sell the book after all, and gives them the name and address of the dude who bought it.

When they get to his house, though, he’s not interested in sharing the book, even after they tell him about the creepy guy who cursed their friend. He does want to see the portal that the dude jumped through, so they agree that Cindy will take him to the cemetery while Bryce runs an errand with his aunt, wink wink. Obviously the guy knows what’s up, because he takes Cindy hostage as soon as they’re at the cemetery and marches her back to his house, where Bryce is just at the door with the book under his arm. There’s a standoff — Bryce has a lighter to the book, Creepo is holding Cindy by the neck — but they agree that if Bryce gives up the book, Creepo will tell them what’s in it. Of course he doesn’t; instead he grabs both kids and chucks them in the basement. What he DOESN’T know is that Bryce has already been there and gone and back — he was RETURNING the book, after having made a photocopy of it. So he and Cindy settle down to read it.

Before I get to that, let me go back to the portal kids. They emerge in a land that is completely green, or maybe it just looks that way because the sun is green. They’re not there long before another Adam and Sally appear. Apparently they’re from a parallel dimension to our heroes, but their Watch is so sick that he couldn’t drag himself through the Secret Path. (Our Watch, of course, insisted.) They see a castle in the distance and decide there’s no better option than to try to walk to it.

(This is not too far out of line. Pike even acknowledges the Emerald City/yellow brick road trope in the text.)

But before they get too far, an armored warrior princess leaps out from the trees and demands to know who these trespassers are. They tell her the story of identical green-stone illnesses, and she concedes that the castle is the only place where they might find a cure, but there’s no way they can walk it. Instead, they’re going to have to ride pterodactyls. Well, the warrior doesn’t call them that, but that’s what they are. But they aren’t tame, of course; the gang will have to jump from above and surprise them. After a sticky moment where the Sallys miss their mount and the warrior has to save them, they get on board and manage to fly to the castle in no time.

Inside is the dude who cursed Watch. He’s like, dude, there’s nothing I can do, and Watch is all duh, I know that, I already read the story. Um, what? It turns out that the book was about a warrior princess who liked to go out hunting, only she accidentally killed a powerful witch in the guise of a boar and so his daughter cursed her with a fatal illness. The prince, her love, insisted that the young witch release the curse, but the only method to do so was to transfer it. But because the princess was royalty, it would require two brave and wise and good souls to take on the burden. Watch knew as soon as she appeared, of course, that the story was true, but he didn’t tell because he didn’t want anyone else to suffer. It’s true that our warrior princess is suddenly healed from an illness, but she is pretty pissed that the two Watches didn’t know they were taking on her curse. So they go to find the witch to see what she can do — and if it means the warrior takes back ownership of the curse, then so be it.

So they go to the dungeon, where the witch is locked up, and they demand she do something. She’s like, idiots, I already told you what needed to be done, and there’s not a whole lot you can do to change it. But suddenly the prince gets a shiver, like part of him just died. And it did! The dude back in Spooksville who was guarding the book is a kind of shadow-double of the prince, and he’s realized that it should have been him taking on the curse the whole time instead of trying to find some children who could sympathize with it. So he burns the book and dies with it, which makes the real prince realize it too. But before the witch can transfer the spell over, Watch speaks up. He wants to know if he’s worth enough that the other Watch doesn’t have to die. And this act of valor confirms it, and so when he closes his eyes and stops breathing, it’s the end of the curse.

No, seriously. Watch is dead.

They take his body back to Spooksville and bury it in the cemetery next to Madeline Templeton’s grave. Like, what else could they do? Watch had no family, probably not much money, and his only friends were this group of twelve-year-olds. Ann Templeton and Bum are there too, lots of tears, lots of mourning.

Until Watch walks into the cemetery.

Remember the time robot that sent the kids back to Colonial Spooksville and made a huge mess out of everything in the timeline? No, of course you don’t, and neither does anybody else: Watch made it so that they never found the robot in the first place. But he never went all the way away, either. He’s been paying attention to the gang’s activities, and when it transpired that he died, it made sense that maybe he could be alive again.

I don’t know, though. Things will never be the same, because the new Watch doesn’t have the experiences of the last month or so, and the others aren’t likely to forget fucking BURYING HIM any time soon. Still, I imagine that this is going to go away faster than even I expect. Much like my hopes of finally figuring out what the kid’s deal is and why his parents abandoned him in this burg.

[littlestshelby]

Evelyn.

It was the summer after grace had died that Evelyn had started working at the shelby house. Her main job was to clean the bedrooms and occasionally watch young Charlie. She was the maid. Even having worked there for over a year now she had only seen Thomas around the house once or twice. Evelyn was usually sleeping by the time the man was home for the evening or was cleaning sheets while he ate his breakfast. Not that she minded, she was 23 and wanted nothing to do with the dangers of knowing Mr Shelby.

One night when little Charlie had been sick Evelyn had stayed in his room in the rocking chair keeping an eye on the poor little thing. He seemed to just have a stomach ache and a temperature but she wanted to be close by just in case. At around 11pm the small boy had woken up crying and crawled into Evelyn’s lap cuddling close falling back to sleep while she rocked him in front of the fire. Much to Evelyn’s dismay she fell asleep holding onto the child both of them wrapped in a blanket, Little Charlie clutching onto her as he slept soundly. It wasn’t until 1 am that Mr. Shelby had arrived home and heard about his sons Ill health.

Not taking Mary (the housekeepers) word for him being fine he hurried up to his sons room freezing as he caught the sight in-front of him. He had only met Evelyn once or twice around the house he had honestly forgotten she worked for him, which was rare. She looked so young and sweet as she slept peacefully with the youngest Shelby. He quietly made his way into the room and began to carefully lift his son from the maids arms but as soon as he touched young Charlie, Evelyn grabbed his arm looking startled and ready to scream.

She blinked a couple times before composing herself and gasping a little quickly letting go of Tommy’s arm. “I’m so sorry mister Shelby, I-I thought someone had come to take him.” She stumbled out quickly standing looking at Tommy who just stared at her while holding his sleeping boy. “I’ll be on my way mister Shelby, he’s okay now I took his temperature not long ago and he’s stopped complaining of stomach pains” she explained before rushing out of the room and down the hall.

It was a few days later Thomas had come home early just to see the maid who had stayed with Charlie through the night. Evelyn was making Charlies bed making the small boy giggle as she played peek a boo with the sheets. He squealed clapping his hands making Evelyn’s smile grow even wider. Tommy stood against the door watching for ten minutes or so at the two play before he walked into the room. “I did not know I payed you to protect my son Miss Taylor” he breathed making her jump from where she was.

She didn’t know how to respond frowning she stood with her hands folded “I am payed to clean the bed chamber and watch young mister Shelby on a Tuesday morning sir. I apologise for the other evening I just wanted to make sure someone was with him if he got more sick in the night” Evelyn tried not to rush her words but she would be surprised is he heard a word she said.

“No need to apologise, he has no mother to do those things for him. I appreciate you caring about him so much. I would like you to become his nanny full time, he seems to like you a great deal” Mr. Shelby lifted up his son who was making whining noises at his father. “I will see to it that your wages are raised and you will be moved into the room next to Charlie’s if you accept”

Evelyn just nodded quickly with a smile, “I would love that very much”

It was a day occurrence now that she spoke to Thomas who had now assured her that she was to call him Tommy. She would talk to him while she fed Charlie his breakfast and while she was bathing the boy before bed and then once more before she herself would go off to bed. The other maids in the house had made it clear to her to stay as far away from Tommy as she could, that he was trouble. But from what she had seem he was just a nice man who had lost his wife and had a lovely son she got to care for.

It was a Tuesday evening in March that Evelyn had been for a bath in her room and changed into her night gown her hair half up in a bun while the rest formed ringlets around her face and down her shoulders. She was a slim girl with a petite frame. Her mother told her she looked like a little cherub. Evelyn was just getting ready for bed when she heard a loud bump as if someone had fallen out of bed. Hurriedly she made her way to Charlie’s room in case the small boy had fallen and hurt himself but no, he was fast asleep in the middle of his bed clutching his bear.

Evelyn frowned making her way back to her room before bumping into someone, “ooop” she squeaked as her bum hit the floor. “Sorry!” She whispered feeling a hand grab her own and help her up. “What are you doing out of bed so late?” Tommy’s voice asked threw the darkness. Making her wrap her arms around herself to conceal her modesty. “I heard something I thought Charlie had fallen out of bed” she spoke softly so not to wake anyone else in the house.

“Ah that would be me I apologise for disturbing you” He was quiet for a moment. “Would you like to join me for a night cap?” He asked. She could feel his eyes on her even if she couldn’t see them, so she nodded “okay Tommy Just the one” she hummed letting him take her hard to the room at the end of the hall with the light on. Knowing it was his bedroom.

It was a simple room with a couple of chairs, a bed, a desk and the large fireplace. Evelyn took a seat in the comfortable chair while Tommy sat next to her pouring her a drink. They didn’t speak much for the first hour or so. Not until the third glass of whisky. “You did not work here when grace was alive” Tommy had asked looking at the fireplace.

Evelyn shook her head “no I didn’t but I hear she was a wonderful woman” she smiled respectfully at Thomas who simple nodded. “I think if you had, she would still be here” Evelyn’s eyes shot to him. “What do you mean by that Mr. Shelby.” She asked confused. He took a sip of his drink “I would have ended up with you.” He downed the last of his drink and began pouring another.

Evelyn stayed quiet still confused by what Thomas was saying. “I can see it now, me, you, a child of our own. I’ve become very fond of you the last few months Eve, not that you have noticed” he laughed to himself. “I’ve thought about asking you out for dinner or to the races but I can’t bring myself to do it. You’re nothing like her yet you’re perfect. I don’t know how that makes me feel” he spoke with a frown on his face now as Evelyn stared at him.

“I don’t know what to say Tommy” she reached for his hand squeezing it a little. Not noticing how he flinched at the contact. He set down his drink and pulled her close to him his hand pressed to her cheek, “I need this” he mumbled before pressing his lips to hers. Evelyn’s heart was beating out of her chest, she knew she liked Tommy but she knew it was just a silly crush. But here he was kissing her in his bedroom after admitting he liked her maybe even loved her.

Standing to his feet Tommy pulled her with him “jump” he grunted against her lips as he gripped the back of her thighs. She did as she was told and wrapped her legs around his waist hooking them behind him. She could feel him getting hard against her as he kissed her fiercely. The Next she knew her back was pressed against the wall and Tommy’s hand was between her legs.

The next morning she woke alone, her clothes where they had been taken off. She didn’t take the time to think back on the nights events she just got dressed and ran to her room hoping no one saw her. She got ready for her day and went to wake up Charlie. Smiling and cooing at the boy she walking into the dining room seeing Tommy’s chair empty. Oh.

It had been three months since that night and three months since she had seen Tommy. It had also been two and a half months since she was demoted from nanny and sent down to the kitchens to work. ‘By order of the shelby family’ the letter read. She knew why, she knew exactly why. Evelyn never breathed a word about the night she spent with Tommy but she wondered how many others he had coaxed into bed with a false admission of love.

The day she found out she was pregnant she went straight into the city to her mother and fathers house. She cried as they screamed at her for being a whore and for bringing a bastard child into the world. She refused to tell them who the father was stating he was someone passing threw who she would never see again. She was ashamed and felt awful. As she was leaving to go back home and to work her mother slapped her hard across the face stating she would fix this and that Evelyn wouldn’t ruin their family’s good name.

Evelyn got a ride with a couple of the gypsy girls back up to the house, thanking them as they left her at the drive way. She headed inside and went straight to Charlie’s room where he was sleeping. She crawled in next to him and cried herself to sleep holding the small boy she had grown to love. She was woken a few hours later by Thomas carrying her to her room. She was to tired to care and just let him tuck her into bed. Not before touching her now bruised cheek making her wince in her sleep.

Two months later she received the letter with her wedding date attached. Her parents were marrying her off to some distant cousin who would clams the child was his for her hand in marriage. Evelyn was now five months pregnant and being a Shelby baby her stomach was bigger than the usual five month bump. She had managed to avoid Tommy completely while she was pregnant. She still snook in to play with Charlie while Tommy was at work, he would poke her bump until the baby kicked back, he would squeal and laugh joyfully. She was going to miss him so much.

So here she was Evelyn Taylor stood outside Thomas Shelby office with a letter of resignation in her hands. The tin engagement ring on her finger was slightly loose as she cuddled with it. She knocked gently on the door before stepping inside. “What now Finn? I’m busy.” Tommy snapped not looking up.

Evelyn cleared her throat “I’m actually it’s me, I-I came to hand my notice” Tommy’s focus was on her as soon as she spoke. His eyes glued to her stomach and then the ring on her finger before finally her face.

He held out his hand for the letter. She stepped towards his desk one hand on her bump the other handing him the letter.

‘Dear Mr. Shelby,

As you know I have worked for your house for the past 2 years and looking after Charlie has been the highlight of my life. But sadly I have to resign from my position to focus on my soon to be husband and child. I thank you for the wonderful opportunity’s.

Sincerely.

Evelyn Taylor’

Tommy read over the letter leaning back in his chair glancing up at Evelyn who kept her eyes on the ground. “Who are you marrying?” He asked his voice wavering a little. “Peter..” she didn’t finish his name feeling ashamed. Tommy raised his eyebrow. “Name” he spoke his voice stronger this time. “Peter Taylor” she spoke, the name feeling like sick in her mouth.

“Is he the one who hurt you?” He asked standing up walking closer to her. Evelyn frowned “pardon?” She asked quietly willing the tears in her eyes to vanish.

Tommy hooked his finger under her chin making her look him in the eye. The tears streaming down her cheeks. “My mother” she whispered. Thomas nodded once more. “Why?” He questioned. “Because I’m pregnant” she hiccuped a Little now finding it hard to breath.

Thomas helped her sit down carefully. Crouching in front of her, “I see, well there is no need to be worked up and get yourself into a state.when Ada has Karl our aunt Poll nearly killed her and now they’re thick as thieves again.” He tried to make her feel better but she continued to cry.

Grace was like this, inconsolable at times while she was pregnant. “Tell me about this fiancé of yours, ay. I bet he’s happy to ‘av you out of here” he smiled a little holding her hand ignoring the pricks to his heart as he thought of her with someone else. His jaws clenching slightly.

“I don’t now! I don’t know anything about him” she cried even more. “I’m stuck marrying a man I’ve never met with a baby no one but me wants and loosing the only job I’ve ever wanted”

Tommy stopped for a moment “you’ve never met your fiancé” she shook her head ���no and my mothers making me marry him this Sunday she’s even had the bloody dress made and there will be no guests I-i” she sat up choking on her words as she realised what she’d done.

Shaking her head quickly as Tommy’s face grew angry. He stood up running a hand down his face. Evelyn stood carefully and quietly backed toward the door shaking as he faced the other way. “Don’t you dare” his voice penetrated the silence as her hand his the handle.

Tommy span around. “Why the fuck would you marry someone else when you’re having my fucking baby Evelyn! My fucking child that you didn’t tell me about!” He screamed marching towards her. She shook like a leaf as he stood in front of her.

“M-my mother s-she” Evelyn pressed her back to the door. “She made you lie to me?” He shouted, his fists balled at his sides. Evelyn shook her head, “I couldn’t tell her Tom, she already hates me. If I told her it was yours a-and you didn’t want me I’d have been thrown out the family” she cried softly into his hands now.

“I’m sorry Tommy, I’m so sorry, I know I’m not her and I know that hurts you, that’s why you can’t look at me. But I’ll be gone soon I promise. J-just forget about this okay?” She wiped her eyes still shaking. Thomas’ body and face softened slightly pulling her into his chest. “You’re not going anywhere” he promised.

Evelyn shook her head pushing against him. “I have to” she turned to leave. Tommy grabbed her arm. “You’ll be here with me and Charlie and our baby and we’ll be a family. You’re mine you have been since the day I lay eyes on you, I’m an idiot who thought you deserved better and you do but for now let me take care of you” he stroked her cheek gently. Wiping away the last of her tears.

“ I don’t want to be a charity case Tommy” she whispered.

“I love you Evelyn. There is nothing charitable about it.” He pressed his lips to hers once more.

Evelyn Shelby gave birth to Nancy Pollyanna Shelby on the 25th of December. Her and Tommy had wed in the October and she had legally adopted Charlie in the following March.

[fadeoftheinternet]

Fall Out Boy Mania, 1 Listen Review

Guys, I’m not gonna lie, I was a little worried about Fall Out Boy after Champion came out last year. I didn’t think the album was sounding as good as it could be. When they announced it was being pushed back to make a better product, it was as though my heart could beat again. I’ve heard the singles and was a little bummed when the album was only 10 songs. That’s short and to the point without a lot of room for error. So how did they do? 

Below is my Mania 1 listen Review!

Young and Menace. I understand why it’s so divisive in the fanbase, but I freaking LOVE THIS SONG. It’s a jam. Patrick Stump definitely is beginning the album with the same opening pomp as the last two fall out boy offerings. As an opener, it makes total sense. The placement gives you the feeling that this album is going to be a journey. For a song that’s nearly a year old, it sounds fresh. It’s not dated even though it probably should be. The Patrifications during the last minute of the song sound even better with the context that this is a palette cleansing album while also giving you vintage fall out boy. Plus, I love Andy’s drums!

Next up is Champion. Now, those of you who heard my first reaction know that I wasn’t a really big fan of Champion when it first came out. I felt like it was an easy ESPN pick up. I understand it’s place. It sounds natural coming after YAM. It keeps the energy. I still love the champion for the people who don’t believe in champions line. I can’t listen to the song without imagining it being retroactively added to a Rocky montage. Sylvester Stallone, this is the Balboa anthem you’ve been waiting for. For all you gym junkies and those that are just trying to reach 30 steps without breaking into a sweat, Champion is for you

Third song and first non single. Stay Frosty Royal Milk Tea. Now that’s a title. I was like, am I missing something? Is this like a Sugar Honey Iced Tea situation? I was like SFRMT doesn’t mean anything. Oh well, lemme listen to the song. WHOA!!! I wasn’t ready for that intro. Holy crap. Early favorite. The vocals sound like Brendon Urie was in the studio and Patrick was trying to show him who’s boss. ARE YOU SMELLIN THE ——. Okay this chorus meant to be screamed by fresh faced teenagers who still believe in emo. “ALL MY CHILDHOOD HEROES HAVE FALLEN OFF OR DIED!” GFD PETE YOU KILLT EM THAT’S A DISS TRACK. This nigga Pat is singing in French. oh shoot. This song feels like, OH SHOOT BREAKDOWN, it feels like what I imagine elevator music on Planet Cybertron sounds like. Man, don’t let Michael Bay hear this song or it’ll be in the next ill fated Transformers movie. Dang, freaking jam.

Hold Me Tight or Don’t. OK. By far my favorite of the music videos released. Oh wait, Wilson is dope AF though. I like the bounce to this album. Initial reactions are I was right about this album sounding like Infinity on High mixed with ABAP. OF YOUUUUUU OF YOUUUUU. Dang, thats a freaking chorus. I imagine white girls everywhere singing to their friends, heads bobbing side to side, “Hold me tight….or don’t.” Yeah this song feels like the one that made the label believe again. BUT WE ALWAYS BELIEVED BECAUSE BELIEVERS NEVER DIE! Dang I took too many hits off this memory is a bar. Pete you haven’t lost your pen game. Nigga out here penning Drake songs nowadays. This song is anthemic. These dudes just know how to craft a sing a long. PATRICK IS THERE NO NOTE OUTSIDE OF YOUR RANGE GFD DUDE. Andy, you are a star with the drums, but let me not sleep on Joe’s guitar work. This song has you singing the chorus before you’re even done with the first listen. Definition of an ear worm. I imagine this is going to be a bonus song on Pixar’s Coco

Halfway through and FOB drops my favorite of the pre album singles. This song makes me feel like I’m driving in Las Vegas with college friends and making memories we’ll look back on. Dang. Windows are definitely down. That bass. Pete’s not just a writer, he’s got the groove on this song. CAUSE YOU’RE THE LAST OF A DYING BREED I WONDER IF YOUR THERAPIST KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT ME. Oh man, is this a love song in the most FOB kind of way? Don’t let anyone tell them they don’t use real instruments anymore. I am a collapsing star with tunnel vision, but only for you. What does that even mean? No one knows what it means but it’s provocative. Patrick, you can’t expect to be singing all of these live right? Like your voice will be shot. That guitar riff has me like, “nananananaaaaa” The bridges on this album have me like, “ooh issa bop.” I can’t even sing a long to fall out boy songs anymore. I just gotta shut up and hear Pat wail.

Wilson. Okay, have ya’ll seen the video? It’s great. such a meme. now honestly, i hate the way that this song begins. I just hate the vocal melody. But after the second talkin about i’m all in. This song was meant to be put in a California Hot Topic, you know the kind where it’s all emo but everyone is West Coast beautiful? That darker color line is going to be some angsty teen’s senior quote. Do people still need to find someone to teach them how to Dougie? Because this song has that level of groove to it. It’s the same type of style as like an America’s Suitehearts, in the sense of a dense chorus with a great rock to it. Man, after this album, i gotta say, it might be time to bust out the black eyeliner again. Man, i gotta find my skiniest jeans and shrink them again. This album, upon the first 6 songs, is better than ABAP. Wow. HITS. And then the ending is gorgeous

Church. TAKE ME TO CHURCH MAKE ME CATCH THAT HOLY GHOST. They got the organs. Ooh is this a love song? WHOA OKAY PAT. Okay, this song is big but probably my least favorite of the ones so far, however that may be due to the familiarity i have with the previous 6. Just not a lot of lyrical change. But this is Patrick pushing his voice to it’s limits. Okay the second half isbetter OH MY FREAKING GOSH THE INSTURMENTS JUST WENT OUT AND PATRICK SNAPPED AND SINGLE HANDEDLY SAVED THIS SONG I WILL COME BACK TO THIS SONG WOW. PATRIFICATION CONFIRMED THE FALL OUT BOY MACHINE AIN’T BROKE IF YOU WERE CHURCH I’D GET ON MY KNEES CONFIRMED

Heaven’s Gate? Hmm….they must have ran into some of them LDS missionaries. Ooh we got ourselves a what a catch slow jams patrick soul song. have ya’ll seen the meme of the woman jammin? imagine Leslie Knope jamming at a black church. That describes how i feel about this song. This song could have been on the end of a SUPER strong episode of One Tree Hill. Like it’s a coda where a bunch of stuff happens. I like the guitar pan to the right ear. It’s good. I’m not really sure what pat is singing, but I am enjoying it. Patrick sings like a baptist confirmed. PATRICK WHAT DO YOU NEED LET ME GIVE YOU THE BOOST. Oh man, is this a choir coming??? Oh yes, ya’ll are going to be listening to Heaven’s Gate for a while. This is the one that is gonna get you through hard days in the future. This is a song to save someone’s life.

Sunshine Riptide (feat. Burna Boy). Rap feature? Maybe? Lol the opening line made me laugh. Nigga hit a missy elliot. you’ll get it. There’s a lot of things going on auditory wise. Okay, this song was made during the same time as Hold Me Tight or Don’t. Actually it also gives me the same vibes as Champion too? Whoa, it’s a rasta feature. Oh man, YA’LL NEED TO GET CHANCE THE RAPPER ON THE REMIX GOOD GOD THAT FEATURE JUST PUT ME IN THAT MOOD I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SAY THAT OH SHOOT, THESE NIGGAS TRY BE FALL OUT THE BOYS. I’m a fan of this one. Ya’ll tryna get a nigga to find his XD emoticons and band tees for the last warped tour. Too bad all the singles have been released because this song feels like it’s begging to be put on a CW show like 90210 or Arrow trailer. HIT.

Bishops Knife Trick. Okay Fetzer, what you got for us? It’s the final song and I feel like I’ve been on a nonstop ride the whole time. Soulful pat? Wasn’t ready for it. It’s also the longest song on the album, clocking in at 4:23. This song sounds like, I can’t believe I’m gonna say what i’m gonna say, it sounds like the album that would have been made in between IOH and SRAR if the others didn’t exist. It’s like both. You won’t get it until you hear it. This is a thoughtful song. I need to listen to the album again with the lyrics so i can appreciate this song more. Patrick’s voice is an instrument. He’s not a singer in the conventional sense. Sometimes his words don’t sound like words. Dang, don’t let this album end. Don’t let it end. Don’t let it end. The last song flows into Young and Menace. Wow, ya’ll did you fast. Fall out boy, is the knife trick ya’ll revitalizing your sound and your fanbase? Because you most certainly have.

8/10 album. Church was the weakest song on the album, Heaven’s gate was the most meaningful and arguably the strongest

[11toe11-blog]

String Hoppers/ steamed rice threads of attention

I sit to write. To enter as gently as i can. Not for power or greed or fame. Steer me past them. I enter for truth and meaning, illumination and insight.

Om.

__

A right leaning cliff near the throat. That rides up to the right nose and slopes out the right nasal cavity.Extending in volume to the back of the throat to the right, slightly against the right ear and extending back to the curve of the skull. 

No inclination to smile.

Just a sensation of wearing a mask. Multiple masks.

In the play - the character of the man, perceives himself believes himself to be the man, finds his justifications for it.  But somewhere along the way discovers that he is the disguise for the little girl. It is her. Wearing the body and mind of the man.

And the little girl discovers that she is not really who she thought she was or the story of herself she bought into. But a part of the Third. 

Like these characters picked up these roles and entered the game. The intentions in the outer world are markedly contrasting to the intentions or pursuits engaged in, in the game. Like a gaming scene. 

When one goes in deep, as the observer, there is a distinct sense of looking out through this body / identity. Gazing and observing and experiencing. And if the attention is briefly turned inward, to look at the observer itself, it loops before falling into an abyss. And in that loop there the sense of a tall long torso-ed being gazing out though me, or a mustachioed stocky man, or nothing. 

The heaviness today is without a certain emotional quality. In the realms of physical, weight, gravity, hanging.

A contraction near the chest left leaning, and a tug under the right shoulder blade. 

I am jumbling up words. Lots of backspaces. 

Breeze outside. Soft morning breeze which i love. Yes, i do truly love it.

And a squirrel hanging upside down nibbling on red gulmohar flowers.

I m as usual dressed and bandaged and oiled. And not to the floor. But in front of the computer. I wonder if ill make my way to the floor. I can sense the muscles easing off from missing more than a week of rigour. 

I want to try and go over the connection in the morning meditation.

The connection between the sinus and the voices one hears as ones own or others. Is that the connection between the connection of the sinus and the sound of ones thoughts, maybe. A release in the sinus point held far out between the nose and the eye, in my case right one and there is some release in the right side of the throat. And somewhere inbetween the two, if a line were to the drawn, the point where it passes by the plane of the ear, it starts quieting down. This is the connection between the “Muu..” breathing exercise of Tai Chi that Marco taught and is explained in the book of Stevanovich, and quietening of the mind. Vibrating starting from the nasal passage and all the way down the throat to the core. Relaxing along the way and connecting to the core. 

I wonder what the life patterns of those with sinus problems are. Mucus. Over thinking. Foggy thinking. Allergies. Sensitivities. From the sense of it. Must look up. Difficulties in self expression.

I think of G reading this. I wonder if she will be impressed. I wonder if she will make the same connections.

Visited R’s parents yesterday. R announced my haircut so simply and louly like only he can,  that the intensity of embarrassment was over in a few minutes and life was back to simpler conversations after, for me at least. 

I realise that what  I most look forward to hearing from R’s parents is about their relationship, about how they navigated life. And also what they ordered in, from where and how it was ; uncle placing orders on swiggy feels like an adventure to me. Full of excitement. 

R was mentioning to them about how we were navigating rough patches these days, in the lock down with nowhere to hide from each other’s demons and our own. Held prisoner by the other’s embrace. Ofcourse he didn't say all that - he summarized it his favorite words - painful / irritating.

Shift in throat.

Held prisoner by each other’s embrace. 

Held prisoner by the other’s embrace. 

Holding the other in the cage on one’s judgemental gaze. 

Prisoners to each other, in a wrestle where neither can give up. A give up is a give in. And that must not be. The truth of individual experience and rights and wrongs wont allow it. Its a wrestle, where far more important than winning, is to not lose. 

I feel life force models that, not so much about the winning - but the drive to keep living and not lose or let go. And in the tension, things happen. Creations?  More like collaborations. Colors fusing into the other.

Uncle had advice to offer, as he always does. Patiently. When a question or a riddle enters the space and some pause or silence comes along. Which is usually after a while, past the exchange between R and Aunty, which feels like watching a trapeze artist going from one swing to the other. Then his quiet deep voice gently walks into a spot light lying in a far way corner, laying out the thread of the riddle he was holding on to patiently. And examining it based on some experience or anecdote stored somewhere in the recess of his memory.

Something of what he said yesterday - which at the time i heard it was colored in patriarchal language, held new meaning this morning. He said something to the tune of “ i was adviced early on in my marriage that the man keeps to himself all that is told to him about his wife”. Ofcourse aunty took offence, i knew that line of thinking - who is this bitching about me. What have i done. Why didnt he tell me. “Its not nice to talk about the wife to the husband. It is in such bad taste.” What wrong did i do, are you saying i was terrible - all these unsaids flowed by the said, as R casually dived into this phone and i mumbled - “Oh! I am sure he has keep a few compliments also from you.” And trying to change the situation with “uncle, maybe you shouldnt let out your tricks and techniques just yet”. Essh. Yuck. negative marking for wit and humor and ability to transform a scene for me. I’ll be demoted to KG.

Anyways. That and much passed. 

Conversations on Objects with R has been one of the most illuminating one on our relationship. How my eyes glide over objects, perceive them to be dead zone,  not registering much except a few which seem to be breathing on account of some association or their very make. But everything in nature is living and breathing to me.  And how he is surrounded by the same objects and find them living and breathing, the associations run far and wide. He feels like a collector or memories. 

In many ways the quirky tramp who sees value in most things people discard.

And me like the insurance guy on the park bench, who has taken for granted everything that his race has produced and doesnt care for any of it, finding some peace only on the park bench.

R was in a play -where he played the insurance guy. Some two decades ago. 

Connections. Where are the connections.

Right here. Under my nose where i cant see them. And its true. Under the nose is one place which one can see unless there is a mirror. 

And the other becomes the mirror. 

After that long contemplation on Objects that we went on together just before bed, quite a rare exchange in that sense, we reached a park bench with a nice open sky and a canopy too, a great place for truce.

“My liberated self and your liberated self are keeping this together, keeping this going. “

Otherwise this would have fallen apart long ago. 

Quite true. We managed to articulate together what we both knew right from the beginning but did not have the words or the spaces between the words available, to express.

Morning stretches also threw open a connection between the clitoris and the space between one's ears. A gentle expanse of the space between the ears invites something in the clit. A rub, a long rub, while holding on to that expansion is a series of unusual pleasurable sensations - not so much as a giant peak, as much as a mountain plateau with icy winds and many interesting contours. 

Some bells tinkle, linking  listening, having the space to listen and sexual arousal.

Writing feels like less in flow. ANd more of reporting from memory. Judgement ahoy.

Uncles wisdom and his thread reappears. I realised this morning that how ever he articulated it - and however i perceived it then - he was most unmistakable talking about holding space for the other. Standing in the peripheries and warding off unnecessary and unwelcome distractions, as the other dances her/his dance. Good or bad or great. 

I make him sound like a saint. And their marriage perfect. 

One look at R and well, i know i am painting rosy pictures.

Such nasty. I am just saying that for effect.

 VG’s lecture comes to mind. 

So powerful something in there, inspite of the rain and tech glitches that it triggered a deep contemplation and collaborative contemplation. On life. Though we spoke from our perception of objects. Revealing more to each other than we had managed to in months. 

__

Its is easier to write when one is writing to save one’s sanity. When some semblance of sanity returns, some sense of comfortable corner, the tension in the rope slags. And one wobbles. 

Breathe into core. Slackline. Focus.

R’s bum. Sigh. so yum.

Its a bit odd writing this when i know someone is going to read.

R rescud a string hopper maker from the attic yesterday and just showed it to me. I have never seen something like that. Its fashioned as a stool. I imagine the piston that goes into it would have to be atleast two feet long. 

Sexual connotation appears after sightadichying bum. 

So much of the earlier tools, particularly kitchen tools was designed to engage the core. Work from the core and work the core.

Now its so much of engagement of extremities. If i were to trace this stringer hopper maker itself. My memory of it was until now, as a something that was gripped and clenched to push the rice paste out of the very tiny holes. The action centred around the grip, as in finger workouts. Or holding and rotating that pedal like thing around a cylinder held in the other hand. Both tolls more complex than this simple stoop with a built-in cup with holes, taking less space. But not quite directly engaging the core. This leaning over, this memory of engaging the core can fade away with a generation or two of using the smaller seemingly more convenient and space saving tools that are designed from thinking out of only of extremities. Making it harder to work and use as one’s connection with the core fades. I couldnt at one point fathom using the finger gripping string-hopper-maker mom used. Even with both my hands it was tough to make the beaks touch each other. So the harder it get, we look for easier. And in comes elecrticity! A magic wand and push button and conveneince. And any memory of core dissolves. And everything outsoursed. 

Doctor. Medicine. Food. Security. Joy. Expression. All outsourced.

Good point to pause.

Its a lot like working on the hand gestures, the mudras. The more i am discovering the movement to the the finger tips starting from the spine, the more meaning and experience it holds for me. And far more satisfaction. 

While earlier it was about how the mudra looked, it felt meaning less. Reflecting back to me only the crookedness  and gracelessness of my fingers which was the last thing i wanted to see. Now  the fingers are still curved and bet. I remember Ra finding them funny and me taking offence at his comments. BUt now its about the experience of the the line and connection and stories in the shapes, and the long uneven, sometimes uncharted and rocky road that leads back to the spinal core from the tip.

Now. Now is a good point to pause.

(Will make / would like to make a separate note on VG’s lecture yesterday. Will that happen?) 

Core calls.

__

I leave gently closing the door behind me. Thank you for letting me splash around aimlessly. And sometimes sending a wave my way to ride.

___

[summerrrluvvv]

Chapter 2

Music featured in this chapter:

Bitch from da south (remix) by Mulatto ft Saweetie and Trina

Bartier Cardi by Cardi B

Wild Thoughts by DJ Khaled

No Guidance by Chris Brown ft Drake

Hot Girl Summer by Meg Thee Stallion ft Nicki Minaj and Ty Dolla$

Confidence by Chris Brown

Day 1 of Miami Trip:

The girls all meet up at Tye’s house and get a lyft to go to the Airport. The girls took shots before they got on the plane, so everybody was lit. When they arrived in Miami, they picked up the rental cars. 2 Jeeps. Melody felt like they should ride around bad girls’ style. After they left with the rentals they finally pulled up to their Airbnb. It had 6 bedrooms and 5 baths. Each girl had they own room and bathroom. They had a huge pool and sauna in the back yard. The girls explored the house and went swimming then each got ready for the night. They were going to Cameo Night Club, Tye got a text from Samar letting her know he was doing amateur night there and could get them in free.

 Zion:  

 “Ayeeee, fuck it up sis!” My girls yelled as I was twerking, holding on to the stripper pole we had in our party bus. Samar hooked us up with connections in Miami, so we had rental cars to cruise with his friend drove the party bus. We had so much liquor on this bus, we were going to be fucked up tonight. “I’m real as rich ass bitch from the south” I sang to Mulatto “Bitch From Da Souf (remix)”. “Aight ladies we here” P-Wall said. Tye handed him a $20 dollar bill. “Thanks P!” She yelled as we got of the bus. We showed our wrist bands to the bouncer and he brought us to a section near V.I.P. “Tye Samar really hooked us up!” Ariana said taking some more shots. Tye smiled and nodded. “I know right, speaking of I’m going to go say hey to him up in the booth really quick, yall get us a pitcher or something” She said before leaving. “Please me baby turn around and just tease me baby, you know what I want and what I need baby” I heard start playing. Melody and Ariana wear dancing on the couch we had in our section. I took a shot. “Ari! Mel! I am going to go get us a pitcher sent up here. I’ll be back”. I told them as I walked out of our section. I went downstairs to the bar. I danced my way through the crowd feeling the liquor in my system. I got up to the bar and just waited for a bartender to acknowledge me, the club was packed so I just looked on IG. “Beautiful can I help you!?” I heard someone yell over the music. I looked up and it was this fine ass nigga. I smirked at him this was about to be interesting cause I was Lit. “Yes, how can I get us a pitcher sent up to my section?!” I asked looking him up and down. He looked at me in a mesmerizing way. I waved my hand in his face. “Hello?” I said. He smiled at me. “What drink yall want, Ill bring it up” He said. I smiled, and blushed. “Mmm a Blue Motherfucker!” I said before turning around, I felt him gently grab my arm. “But first you got to chill with me down here. My shift gets boring after while and it would be nice if for a minute you kept me company” He said. I tried to hide my smile. “Okay cool. My name is Zion by the way” I said extending my hand. He shook my hand and smiled that fine ass smile. “Kyrel, you from here?” He asked. I shook my head. “Nah just on Vacation” I said. He nodded as he looked and seen someone calling for a bartender, he held his hand up to give me one minute. I danced in my seat to “Bartier Cardi” played by Cardi B. I looked up at my girls in the section. They were drunk as fuck talking to niggas in the section next to ours. Kyrel came back and we talked for what seemed like 30 minutes. “Afterwards I’m going to waffle house if you want to join me, no funny play no trying you I promise, and I will make sure you get home” He said to me. I hesitated but then I nodded. “Okay”.

Tye:

 I sipped my 4th drink of henny and coke as I danced near the booth where Samar was DJing. I was lit not too drunk but I was up through there. “Aye Mami you want to dance?” I heard in my ear. It was some fine ass Cuban man. I nodded my head. He brought me to dance floor and was feeling all on me as we danced to “Wild Thoughts” By DJ Khaled. “What’s your name?” He asked. I turned to him “Tye” I simply said. “Ahh I like that, my name is Julian” He told me. “You on vacation?” He asked. I nodded. He turned me back around towards. “Maybe we should link, while you’re in my city” I smirked at him. “Okay. That’s a deal” I told him. I looked over towards the DJ booth and seen some bitches up in his section. I was already drinking so I was annoyed. “What’s your number?” I asked. He pulled out his phone and we exchanged numbers. “Ima be right back” I told him. He smirked and nodded at me. I went over to the booth. “Samar!” I yelled over the music. He was not paying me no mind. “Samar!” I yelled again. He looked over at me. “What’s up?” He said. I placed my hand on my hip mugging them bitches probably talking shit about me. “You supposed to be at work nigga, why you kee kee with them bitches?” I asked. He laughed. “Yo Tye chill go back over there with that little lame ass nigga and dance stop sweating me” He said smiling, shaking his head. “We homies, stay off the liq”. I rolled my eyes at him and walked back over to Julian. I needed some serious attention before I flipped the club over. “You good Mami?”. Julian asked. I smiled “Yes now what were we talking about?”.

Ariana:

“I don’t want to want to play no games, play no games fuck around and give you my last name I know you tired of the same damn thing, that’s okay cause baby you got it girl” Mel and I sang drunk as fuck. Zion was at the bar talking to some fine ass nigga and Tye was on the dance floor. “That’s my best friend right there!” I yelled as Melody was giving this random guy a lap dance. “Hey, come here” Some regular ass nigga said to me. He grabbed my waist and I started grinding on him. I feel my phone buzzing multiple times. I get up from the guy and look at my phone. It was Marlon blowing me up, leaving me crazy ass I miss you messages. I wobbled my drunk ass to the bathroom, with Melody right behind me. “What’s going on Ari?” She asked. I started whining cause my ass was drunk and no tears were coming out. “Fucking Marlon leaving me crazy ass messages and shit sending me dick pics” I told her. “Eww give me the phone, we going to block his stank ass” She said. She grabbed my phone, and then handed it back. “Done now let’s get some more liquor” She said laughing. “Bitch I’m drunk as fuck right now” I said staring at myself in the mirror. In walked these stank face looking ass girls. One had on a snakeskin jumpsuit and the other had on a neon pink two piece. I mugged the fuck out of them. “Is there a problem honey?” Snakeskin said. Melody turned around quick. “Excuse you?” She said. “Bitch I said is there a problem with you and you little ass friend posted up in here like you trying to fight or something?” The girl in the neon said. I was on one, so I was with whatever bullshit they was on. “We just up in here like you” Melody said. Tye busted in the bathroom and read the room and immediately posted up. “We got a problem?” They looked at all three of us. “No, we straight” Snakeskin said. We all walked out of the bathroom. “Ariana what the fuck was that?” Tye asked. Melody sucked her teeth in. “Them bitches been mugging all damn night that’s what fuck them hoes” She said. “Why yall even in the bathroom posted?” She asked. I handed her my phone. “Oh, this nigga is wildin, fuck him” Tye said. I nodded. “Mel blocked his ass anyways” I told her. “Ari just hop on some new dick stop stressing about the dumb ass nigga” Mel said. Now where the hell I’m find another fine ass nigga in Miami?” I asked. “Oh, nah let me go back on the dance floor this bitch acting like she not in Seaquarium full of fine ass men”. Tye said strutting to the dance floor. Mel and I followed behind her. “Hey yall” We seen Zion. “Bitch we ain’t seen you all fucking night” Tye said. “Sorry I met some dude, I’m bout to leave with him really quick I will meet yall back at the house” She said. Mel shook her head. “Nah see cause I seen Crime Watch Daily” She said. Zion laughed. “Girl trust me I’m good” She said. Mel shook her head still. “If you end up on the news, I’m going to say I told you so” She said. “Girl bye go have fun” Tye said. 

Melody:

“I can't read your mind, gotta say that shit, Should I take your love? Should I take that dick? Got a whole lot of options 'cause you know a bitch poppin' I'm a hot girl, so you know ain't shit stopping” Hot girl summer was playing. Ari, Tye and I was drunk as hell damn near bout to be on the floor. The club was still packed, and it was 2:30 am, in Atlanta clubs be dying down by then. “Real ass nigga gives a fuck 'bout a bitch. It is what it is, this some five-star dick, she a big ol' freak, it's a must that I hit. It's a Hot Girl Summer, so you know she got it lit Real ass bitch, know she got it lit” I sang dancing on the stripper pole they had near the DJ booth.  “Aye yo baby?” I heard. I looked down and seen a crusty nigga drooling at me. “Bye sirrrr Byeee” I said drunk. “Can we talk? Can I get your number baby?” He asked. “Nah my nigga crazy and he got his friend in here as disguises to blend to watch who try to talk to me and I’m warning you niggas be going missing after I talk to them they end up on the news” I said smiling still twerking ass out and all. He started throwing money and feeling on my ass. Ari and Tye were not paying attention. “I’m take yo money cause you shouldn’t have been throwing at me in the first place so if you give me $100, I will give you my number on the low and give you my panties” I said jokingly. His face lit up this damn ass crusty ass bum ass nigga handed me two $50 bills. I looked out into the club scared. “You should probably go now, you been spotted” I told him. He laughed at me. “Quit playing baby” He said. Security winking at me walked over towards us. The crusty nigga jumped at his voice. “We have a problem here?” Security asked. “No No sir” He said scared. He tried to grab his money he through. “Uh uh this my money now honey” I said laughing as I danced seductively to Chris Brown’s “Confidence”. “Fifty Shades, ooh Tie your hands properly, I'm loving it. It's your confidence, oh woah Your confidence” The song played. I swung around the pole and closed my eyes. “Please don't tell nobody 'bout this affair. Baby, go and dutty whine it out, thank you, baby. We might not make it to the room, from right here I love it when you tell me what to do, like sit right there. Yeah, I need that” I opened my eyes, and almost fell off the pole. “Isaac” I said to myself. I looked up in V.I.P, to see if I was tripping. I was lit but I know I ain’t hallucinating. We locked eyes, he got up from his seat. I could see he was with his home boys, Trey and Freddie. “Oh nah, we got to go” I said, as security helped me down. “Ari! Tye!” I yelled through the crowd of girls. I accidently bumped into the bathroom bitches, and shit went down. I do not know who it was, but somebody pushed the fuck out of me into Ari. “The fuck?” Ari said looking from me to the bathroom bitches. “She pushed you?” Tye asked. I nodded. “Yes, that bitch did” I said. They walked up on us, and Ari as usual threw the first punch and we followed. “Fight!” Somebody yelled. I could feel somebody pry my hands-off Neon bitch and pick me up and take me out of the crowd. I seen it was security. “Thanks homie” I heard. I seen it was Isaac. I felt my stomach churning. “Fuck” I ran out of the club and onto the curb to throw up. Soon after I seen Ari and Tye get nicely put out by security. “Sorry beautiful but no fighting” He said to Tye. “Fuck them hoes” Tye said. “Get yall hands off me!” We looked and seen security toss them bitches out. Ari laughed at how fucked up they looked. “Bitch don’t let me see yo ass out in these streets” Snakeskin said. “Or what sis? You gone get jumped again dumb ass” Ari said. Tye started laughing so hard. “We just had free shit all night start a fight and get kicked out of nice club, we going to have sooo much fun here” She said leaning on me.

Supporting Characters:

Julian:  (Malik Bomaniallah)

[pineapple-crow]

This is mostly as a checklist for myself for when the time comes, a reminder for myself to not turn into my father (and to some extent, my mom and stepdad). Because these past couple of weeks have been nothing but family drama, and I hate it. Not to mention the issues I have now could probably have been avoided if I’d been subjected to different parenting than what I was. Oh well.

I will be accepting and supporting of my child. No matter who they are. I mean yeah I won’t make excuses for them if they engage in violent/sex crimes, pedophilia, necrophilia, etc, but if my kid becomes a furry? Well, so long as they understand there’s a time and a place to be one, I’ll even help pick out color schemes for their furry suit. My kid is LGBTQA+? Tell me what you need and I’ll try to find the safest and most cost efficient solutions for ya. They’re disabled some how, or are suffering from a mental illness? Let’s look up safe and effective coping mechanisms and anything else that will make your life easier without coddling you.

I will make sure my children can come to me for anything. We all make mistakes. We all do things we’re ashamed of. But constantly going on a rant, or a lecture, completely dismissing the problem or making it about oneself instead, will do absolutely nothing. You had unprotected sex and think you’re pregnant? Let’s get a test and then go over the safest options, and discuss what it is we should do. You started talking to someone online and they’re making you uncomfortable? How about instead of punishing you, we try and figure out what to do. You went to a party and probably took some illegal drugs? Tell me what they were and we’ll see if there’s anything health wise that needs to be done, I just want to make sure you’re okay.

The Rapunzel method is absolute shit. When it came to life skills, my mom taught me.how to cook and clean, which is great. But when it came to social things, you know what they did? My parents sheltered the hell out of me. Think about abstinence but to the extreme, and you know what? That’s the worst thing to do. It’ll just make your kid want to do it even more. So instead of secreting my child away and telling them that the world - especially the internet - is chock-full of pedophiles and rapists who want nothing more than to get in their pants and kill them, I’ll teach them how to handle themselves. Wanna go to a party? Don’t go alone, make sure you keep in touch with your group at all times, ensure you’ve got a trustworthy ride home, know your limit, etc. Want social media? Be careful about who you let see your selfies, and don’t give someone your personal information right away - definitely not where you live. Anything feels off, get someone you trust immediately. You want to have sex before you’re married, and while you’re still a teen? Okay! Make sure you’re emotionally and mentally ready, don’t let anyone pressure you into anything, if someone doesn’t want safe sex then tell them it’s no sex, do your research before doing anything new, and while you don’t have to fall in love with each other still make sure there’s mutual trust and respect while you’re hooking up. And yes birth control is a real thing. No you will not die from it.

“Because I said so” is not an answer. One thing that irritated me to no end is asking why I can or can’t do something, and getting little more than this answer. Saying “because I said so” or “because I’m the parent and what I say goes” does absolutely nothing for kids, especially since they’re nosy lil buggers. If my kid asked why they weren’t allowed to have ice cream every day, I would tell them why. I feel if they are given an answer that satisfies them, they’re more likely to do the thing I ask or to not do the thing they aren’t supposed to, because they know why. They know that having too much ice cream could cause them to gain unwanted weight and health issues. They know that they need to stay with me so that someone doesn’t take them. They know that they don’t need that toy right now because we don’t have the money and that with things like toys it’s better to wait a bit before buying it to see if your enthusiasm wears off, so you don’t waste your money.

You want to talk to me about some obscure niche fandom that only like three people know about much less understand? I have no idea what you’re saying but I’m not gonna stop you. Kid, I don’t care that I’ve never heard of Galactic Space Rangers of Epsilon. It makes you excited and you want to share it with someone? Well I can’t guarantee I’m gonna be able to add much input but you’re more than welcome to tell me about it, because it makes you happy. You want to share everything you learned today, even though I know it already? Go ahead!! There’s nothing wrong with learning new things and anyway, you just get so excited when you’re able to share facts you just learned with people so yeah like I said you’re more than welcome to talk my ear off, if not now then definitely later, even if I’ve no idea what you’re saying. I’ll still be interested.

You wanna know about religion? Sure! Which one? I don’t care if my kid becomes an atheist. I don’t care if they become an ordained minister. I don’t care if they become a high priestess to the god Ra. I really do not care what religion, if any, my child chooses to follow. I will happily do my best to answer any questions on religion they may have, or at least point them in the right direction, but I will never force them to follow a specific tradition or structured set of beliefs. Just so long as they aren’t hurting anyone, I’m good.

Your boyfriend is 5'7, has piercings/tattoos, comes from a lower income family, dresses in clothes from hot topic, and chose to work first instead of college because of said income status? As long as he treats you right he’s welcome in my house. My parents are traditionalists and adhere to the belief that people who are spouse material should look a certain way, shouldn’t be poor, and that if you’re not in college by the time you’re 20 then you’re just a no good bum, especially if you live at home. But you know what? As long as they have basic hygeine and a desire to be able to provide for you, as well as treat you with the love and respect you deserve, then I truly do not care how many crazy colors your partner has in their hair. Just don’t be an adult child.

Same goes for friends. It’s one thing if my kid is hanging around other kids actively encouraging them to do illegal activities and threatening/pressuring my kid to participate. But as long as no one is getting hurt or breaking laws I’m not going to control who my kid can or can’t be friends with.

Fur babies can be grandkids too. I want grandkids, yes. But if my child decides that they don’t want to get married, that they don’t want to have kids, I won’t be upset! Well maybe a little disappointed but I won’t ever tell them that and I most certainly will not guilt them or deride them.

Kids are kids, not robots. I will not run my house like it’s a dictatorship, and I will not use fear and guilting to control my kids. I will not put more value in school than I do the well-being of my child. I will not make threats or use corporal punishment just because my kid isn’t obeying my every word. I will not act like my kids are soldiers who must stand at attention when I snap my fingers. I will not demand unyielding obedience just because I gave birth to my kid and chose to follow through on my parental obligations and duties. I want my kids to be loved. I want my kids to grow. I want them to know just how much they matter to me and that they deserve to be treated like human beings.

[ginger-delight-writes]

For A Long Time Looking at Stars

Pairing: Shane x Farmer Genre: romance, hurt/comfort, slow burn, angst Rating: explicit  Warnings: suicide, self-harm, alcoholism Summary: Taking place in a realistic Stardew Valley universe (no magic), this is a long, serious fic about falling in love while dealing with the ups and downs of mental illness. 

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CHAPTER 1

It was the last one of the night – Shane Daniels was out of money.

He tilted his head back, draining the lukewarm dregs from the bottom of his glass. It clanged loudly when dropped to the sticky wood table and he glanced around to see if the noise had startled anyone – to his surprise the saloon was alive with chatter and laughter, as distant to Shane as he was to it.

It was spring in the valley but the nights were still long, and the air bit with unexpected teeth when he exited the stuffy bar. Tugging his hood higher and shoving his hands in his pockets, he slouched away from the muffled laughter and headed home. When he arrived the lights were off, and pausing at the door he could hear no noise – his aunt was probably already in her room. Those three beers at Gus’s hadn’t been nearly enough, but if he was quiet he could grab the bottle from his sock drawer and sneak back out without having to deal with her.

Sneaking out of the house at twenty-nine years old. Son of a bitch, he thought, tucking it in his pocket with shame.

Twenty-nine going on forty-five, that was. The bags below his eyes, tinted ruby. The five o’clock shadow that darkened his jaw no matter how close the shave. The way if he swept back the hair from his forehead several gray hairs poked through the nearly black ones, and the way, in the last few years, that his face had bloated from drinking. On busy nights the bar swarmed with both the early-twenties crowd and the middle-aged regulars, and while he was closer in age to the former, the latter was closer in spirit.

Weary, cynical spirit.

He reentered the darkness and started along the well-worn path from the ranch to Cindersap forest, and from there to the lake and the dock that had long been his brooding spot.

Son of a bitch, he thought again, seeing the silhouette near the shore.

Should he head back? There was no such thing as welcome company in this piss-water little hamlet, where everyone knew where you worked, where you slept, what groceries you bought or that you’d just seen the town doctor for that rash on your stomach. Shane closed his eyes, wishing it’d disappear into the forest like some shadow creature – somehow that’d be less terrifying. But when he opened them again not only was the figure still there, its upper half was turned toward him.

His eyes adjusted to the dark and he could make out a girl with light blond hair, who, like Shane, was hunched against the cold in a hoodie.

“Thought I heard someone,” she said.

“Yeah, well, not staying,” Shane replied gruffly, already facing to leave.

“Hey, do you know what time it is?”

Time for me to get the fuck out of here.

He pulled up his sleeve to check the watch on his inner wrist, and without turning around called back, “10:45.”

“Cool, thanks.”

He took out the bottle, unscrewing the cap and taking a long swig above his head before walking away again. He’d barely taken his first step when he heard, “Wait!” and turned to see the girl take a few steps toward him.

“What do you want now?” he demanded, patience short.

“You – this is pretty forward of me, but you don’t have a smoke I could bum, do you?��

So she’d seen him drinking straight from the neck and assumed he was a smoker. Natural thing to assume, he guessed, but he wasn’t – not enough money to go around for more than one vice. And who the hell was this chick anyway?

“No."

“Probably for the best,” she murmured, more to herself than Shane. “Thanks anyway.”

The way she scratched the back of her neck while looking around, then turned and anxiously rubbed her arms as she walked away – he could tell she was jonesing. He hesitated, knowing the feeling. For a moment some of his old compassion returned, overriding even his hatred of strangers and idle pleasantries; he heaved a frustrated sigh and walked over to where she stood.

“Here.”

She stared at the bottle of Jack he'd shoved at her, debating, then pushed out a hand that was hiding in her hoodie sleeve and took it. The bottle paused before her lips, she raised an eyebrow. “You know this only makes it worse, right?”

He shrugged. “Don’t have to.”

Closing her eyes she took a rather heroic swig, spine shivering as it hit her. “Thanks,” she said, capping it and offering it back.

“Go ahead.”

“No, that’s enough.” She handed it to him and put her hands in her pockets. “I’m glad you didn’t have a cigarette. I’m supposed to be quitting. And if that’s not hard enough on its own, try being plastered and craving one.”

Shane looked at her curiously; he didn’t often look at people curiously, but that’s because after a few months of living in Pelican Town – total population less than his old middle school – he thought he’d already seen everyone there was to see. Especially this far out: the ranch skirted the edge of town and the lake went out of it completely. He had no idea where this girl had come from. Maybe she was from the city, visiting a friend or relative. She didn’t look rural, what with her high blonde ponytail, and the little stud on one side of her nose that kept catching the moonlight, shimmering like a small star.

“Oh well." She smiled at Shane with one corner of her mouth. “At least there’s no 24/7 convenience store here, right? Forced to ride it out.”

“Right." He wished he could leave again. Was it wrong to just turn and walk away? He could go by the river instead; it wasn’t as private, the ranch being well within sight, but at least he’d be by himself.

The girl was sharp though. She took one glance at Shane and said, “I’m imposing, aren’t I?”

“What?”

“This was supposed to be your dock. Well, not your dock, but you came out here to be alone, right?”

“Doesn’t matter,” he mumbled.

She shrugged. “I’ll go. Thanks for not having a smoke, mystery man. Saved me from going back to day zero.”

Then she walked away, and Shane couldn’t remember meeting anyone else in this town who’d offered to leave him alone without having to be told to fuck off first. They learned quickly after that, but still – no one else ever got it right on the first try.

All things considered the taste of unexpected small talk wasn’t as bitter as usual.

Pelican Town was snug deep in the heart of Stardew Valley, miles from the city where Shane had spent his whole life. He’d only been living there a few months – he and Jas, his seven-year-old goddaughter, moved in with Aunt Marnie on her ranch just before winter.The valley was familiar to him: the ranch and its animals, the river and lake, this very dock where he’d started coming as a boy when his parents dropped him off for a few weeks every summer. It was different as an adult and life in the valley didn’t suit him at all, but he’d run out of choices and if he had to be stuck in some hellish small town at least it was one that had places like the lake, places that carried some of his few good memories.

Marnie had always been good to him. In fact, she seemed to like him better than his own parents ever did. When Marnie got tipsy she liked to giggle and fall over herself like a twenty-year-old girl, rather than, say, make Shane dodge projectile beer bottles aimed at his head. She was chattier than he liked in a roommate, and far too interested in his life and goings-on, but she meant well. She never yelled or threw shit at him, and what more could he ask?

It was the same cloistered valley he'd known as a boy, the same too-empty/too-exposed feeling when walking around town, nothing to do and yet feeling like he was under the microscope of every bored housewife and nosy shopkeeper. A few things had changed, though – he'd never been here in spring before, and miserable as the town made him the cherry blossoms were rather pretty. The lake was a few inches lower, the water murkier than it used to be, and there was a wooden sign in front of the dock now, one that hadn’t been there before:

In loving memory of Emmet Wakeshire

Emmet Wakeshire once owned a great expanse of farmland just north of the ranch. Shane had never met the man, who’d died some years ago, but he knew that Emmet built the dock with his own two hands – when he wasn’t much older than Shane, as Marnie told it. The farm was one of the ranch’s closest neighbors and Marnie had been good friends with the old man, speaking of him often and fondly, erecting the sign as a memorial after he passed.

Shane walked to the edge of the dock and sat with his legs dangling, opening the whiskey and drawing out his pocketknife. He absentmindedly opened and closed it while staring at the hushed surface of the water.

Not much older than Shane, she’d said. He tried to think if he’d ever built anything in his whole life. A pyramid of beer cans in his room once, when he was sixteen. Sometimes they asked him to assemble cardboard display cases for holiday chocolate at JojaMart – once even entrusted him with snapping together an extra shelf when they’d ordered too much spaghetti sauce.

A regular architect, really.

A cloud drifted over the moon, Shane drank, and the lake was quiet but for small, pretty sounds: leaves rustling against other leaves, cicadas like cymbal brushes, hissing in the grass. The foam on the water stretched its white fingers out to shore, slinking back when they could stretch no further. He took a long swallow. Once upon a time it burned, like it had for the girl, but those days were gone and these days it went down like tea: warm, smooth, soothing. He laid down with his arms stretched behind his neck, his body heavy.

The stars were so much brighter here than the city. He felt thirteen again, lying on the same dock, staring at the same sky, feeling the same melancholy detachment from everything around him. Wishing just once he could look at the sky and feel wonder or awe instead. One star shone brighter than the rest and he stared at it, until the rest of the stars faded in the background and the bright one was the only thing he could see, pulsing like a beacon.

He felt lonely. Lonely at home, in town, at work, at the bar. Lonely out here too of course, but here it was different – here he was supposed to feel lonely. Insignificant, like everything else in this world. A cluster of atoms, huddled together in the shape of a human as if that meant something.

The universe wasn’t cold and uncaring; quite the opposite. It was telling him that if he didn’t want to be here, it was okay. It would continue to rustle and foam and pulse without him. It was okay if he didn’t want to stay much longer.

-----------

On Monday Shane awoke to the shrill sound of his alarm.

As much as he loathed his job, it at least got him out of bed in the morning – more than he could say for anything else. Without the looming threat of joblessness (and not being able to afford Marnie’s rent, on top of his nights at the saloon) the siren call of those sheets was too strong. Not that he’d never caved, but JojaMart did keep it from becoming a routine.

The bright smell of coffee was the only other incentive to get up. He poured himself some, thankful Marnie was on the phone and couldn’t do more than nod good morning, and headed to the bathroom to shower.

At least there’s hot water, he thought as the steam from it filled the room, fogging the mirror and glass doors. He turned his face to the showerhead, the scorching water pounding his eyelids.

The town had a runty suburbia that Shane had to pass through on his way to work, and that morning he saw Emily, the assistant barkeep, tending to the flowerbeds beneath her window. Scant rays of sun shone on her blue pixie-cut hair, and she smiled kindly when she saw him. Emily smiled kindly at everybody.

“Morning, Shane!” she said. He nodded at her.

Emily was okay. A little out there perhaps, a little too hippie-eccentric for Shane’s tastes, but she wasn’t annoying about it – one of those live and let live types. She and Gus were the only people who'd warmed to Shane since he arrived, though he supposed it worked both ways – they were among the only people he hadn’t told to get bent. Possibly because they saw each other five or six nights a week at the saloon, and miserable as he was he didn’t actually seek to make things awkward. That they were naturally kind and patient people who put up with his moodiness? That was just another enabler.

He passed Dr. Harvey’s clinic next. Harvey was decent as far as the villagers went, nerdy and quiet and with a greater respect for privacy than most of them. But he was also only in his mid-thirties and an MD with his own private practice – a conspicuous reminder each day of Shane’s own stupidity. The doctor sat at his front desk, scribbling notes with his tongue protruding from under his handlebar moustache.

What a fucking moustache too. Shane could’ve ridden it to town.

His head hurt like hell; he’d stayed at the dock far too long, until over half the bottle was gone. May have even passed out for awhile when he was laying down, because it was after two in the morning when he stumbled home for a shitty four hours of sleep.

Next he passed the large front window of Pierre’s General Store, Pierre himself straightening the sign on a bin of potatoes. He avoided Pierre’s if he could help it. Though it was closer to the ranch than JojaMart, the few times he’d swung by on the weekend for a six-pack (or twelve-pack, or twenty-four, depending on his mood and wallet), the shopkeeper’s judgmental eyes said it all – Shane’s habits at the saloon weren’t exactly a secret.

And so, hands in pockets and head down as he tried to quickly pass the little grocer, he didn’t notice the front door swing open until he was almost hit squarely in the face.

“Shit! I’m sorry!” cried a voice, and Shane, trying to still his beating heart, realized with annoyance that it was the same girl as the previous night.

Must be on a morning cigarette run.

He’d been several beers in when they met last night, and apparently in a bizarrely social mood because seeing her today – with throbbing head and bloodshot eyes – he wanted to snap his fingers and make her fucking disappear. This. This was what he hated about small towns. No anonymity, anywhere. Not even with strangers.

She wore the same hoodie as the evening before, along with jeans dusted with dirt, and for the few seconds before opening the door she’d been as deeply lost in her own thoughts as Shane had been in his.

“I didn’t see you!” she said quickly. “I’m sorry if – oh.” Her face shifted in recognition. “It’s you. Hi.”

“Yeah,” he grunted, trying to sidestep her, but she stepped back in front of him with eyes searching his face.

“Hey, are you okay?”

Like it’s any of her business. Probably thinks we’re friends now or something.

“I’m late,” he said angrily.

“I didn’t hit you with the door, did I?”

“Just fuck off.”

This time he successfully stepped around her, leaving the stunned girl staring after him on the sidewalk. She didn’t know who he was yet. Perhaps she’d just think him bipolar.

He really didn’t care.

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Hey guys, if you enjoyed this, there is LOTS more - 45 chapters, to be exact. You can find them here:

http://archiveofourown.org/works/9634940/chapters/21766157

Thanks for reading!