#maybe i'm meant to just focus on myself but i don't know it gets kind tiring sometimes

[purpledovefeather]

maybe it's because i've been sick and tired for three days but i want to adore someone so bad and have them adore me back man. like i just want to be smitten bro

[fereldanwench]

I didn't want to completely sit out a year-in-review, but for reasons I'll explain at the end of this post and under a cut, doing the traditional pick-one-pic-from-each-month approach just wasn't going to work for me. So instead, here are 20 of my favorite shots (in no particular order) of Valerie from 2023!

(I'll share solo Goro shots and shippy/story shots in two other posts before the year ends.)

Some thoughts about this year (cw for anxiety and depression mentions):

So yeah. I actually hadn't planned on joining in on the virtual photography year-in-review fun in part because... Well, frankly, I wasn't sure if it would actually be fun for me.

Although I do have pictures for every month, the first third, maybe even half, of the year was a struggle on almost every conceivable level. A lot of it was shit that carried over from the end of 2022, which was also an incredibly difficult year for me. I don't really want to delve too deeply into why--Some of it was personal, some of it was professional, some of it was fandom, and if you know, you know.

The main obstacle I had here is that looking at a lot of the shots I took from about January to May (give or take a few weeks on either end) honestly reminded me of Bad Times™️. I've worked really hard to pull myself out of that depression/anxiety cycle and return to a healthier approach to fandom and online socialization in general, but I just didn't want to spend a lot of time in that mental space. There are a few shots from those months that made it to my favorites, and I hope one day I can look back on that stuff and just feel the good from it again. Alas, that day is still not here.

But I am happy to report that the other reason I wanted to approach the review differently is a lot more positive! It's also two-fold: 1) I spent the earlier part of this year exploring more of a technical side of virtual photography and 2) I was really prolific the last third or so of this year so trying to narrow faves from about August until now was just not possible.

One of the few good things about the end of 2022 was being able to upgrade my graphics card, which meant I then had a rig that could support ray-tracing and hot sampling. As a result, I started putting a lot more focus on lighting and getting acquainted with new tools. I also was trying to work with the new AMM posing system, which is very convenient in some ways (100s of poses without reloading the game!) and a complete pain in the ass in others (can't move characters without their poses breaking!). Custom photomode poses + Nibbles Replacer has been the game changer I've been waiting for.

Or to put it more succinctly, December 2022 through about April 2023 felt like a relearning/return to basics kind of creative period, which is essential, but also means I just don't really like a lot of what I did, lmao.

Then, shockingly (I'm not shocked at all), starting treatment for my anxiety and depression in the second half of this year suddenly made creating a lot easier and fun again! Crazy how that works.

Even bumping this little review up to 20 shots instead of 12, there are still pictures from the past few months that I had to cut as favorites. There was just no way I could condense the amount of fave shots I took from August to now in just 5 options.

I also owe quite a bit of this revival to modders for asking me if I wanted to take shots for them--Exploring more of a fashion photography approach to my shots I think did a lot to build on what I had learned earlier in the year and encouraged me to try something new. I don't want to tag anyone in this long-ass glorified diary entry, but if you invited me to take mod shots for you, just know that it really meant a lot. ♡

And that's where my head has been with a yearly review! Is filling out a little template with 12 pictures this serious? No, it definitely is not, lmao. But hey, overthinking shit is still something I'm working on. ✌️

[aloneinthehellfire]

Chapter Fifteen: Sattler's Quarry

Gates Of Hell [Masterlist]

Word Count: 3.9k

Warnings: mentions of death, virus, mentions of past trauma, thalassophobia (deep fear of water)

[A/N: this chapter is dedicated to the one and only @sattlersquarry who has literally been supporting this series since day one!!! I honestly don't know where this fic would be without your constant support so, in honour, here's a chapter filled with the steve x reader moments we deserve (and maybe a little angst, but I can't help myself)

I would also like to take the moment to thank everyone for their patience, I've been through two rounds of sickness and it really took a lot out of me but I'm okay, I'm back, and I'm really excited to share this chapter with you all! I hope everyone enjoys!]

Sattler's Quarry

You were living on borrowed time.

It wasn’t news to you, in fact it’s all you’ve been thinking about since the day the gate exploded, leaving you and Steve stranded in a foreign world shaped like your home. The thought of it creeps in whenever you’re still, imagining how horrible it would be if it happened without warning.

And then those terrifying images play out like a slide-show. You turning, attacking, regretting. You hate that you’re imagining all the ways you could possible turn on the boy you cared about, but you can’t help it. This virus did everything it could to make you feel like a monster.

Steve can tell your symptoms are getting worse. You’re trying your best to hide them, force them away, but every so often you’ll slip up and expose the intensity of it, snapping at him or stumbling to a stop to blink away the black spots in your vision. He could just go on, find the gate himself and escape before it was too late. But he wasn’t leaving you down here.

After Max’s radio message this morning, you had both immediately set off, determined for this to be the last trip across the Upside Down forever. You just hoped you had decrypted the pattern correctly and weren’t just leading you both out here for nothing. It wouldn’t be the first time.

Once your soft footsteps turn to crunches above the gravel, you know you’ve arrived.

Sattler’s Quarry was located on the edge of town, buried behind a thick expanse of woods behind the lab. It wasn’t a particularly unpopular place, but since it was owned land people generally tried to stay away from it. That was until Will Byers’ body was found just before he miraculously showed up alive a week later, making it a honeypot for insensitive teens. Since so many kids were visiting, the owner, Frank, decided it best to just drain the quarry to avoid anymore mishaps with government cover-ups and reckless teens alike.

While it didn’t make the cut for the ‘bodies of water’ criteria, you figured it should count for its past.

“Um, so where is this gate meant to be if there’s no water?” Steve questions, squinting towards his surroundings. Somehow everything was darker around the quarry, making it near impossible to spot anything dangerous. And there was always something dangerous.

“They said it always appears at the heart.” You reply, keeping your focus on the ground so you don’t accidentally walk off a cliff in an anti-climactic end to your life.

“What kind of cryptic bullshit is that?”

“I think they just mean the middle.” You gently nudge his arm, spotting the edge of the quarry and he nods, sighing.

“Okay… let’s find the middle.”

You lead him to the edge, focused on your footing to ensure it was solid ground. Everything seemed normal until a crackle of lightning above you shed a spotlight, glinting below. You both freeze, staring down.

“Holy shit.” Steve breathes, and you can only nod in agreement.

You had never seen the quarry so full with water even before they drained it, but there it was, rising up to what would be half full. You can just spot the smaller rock ledge you and Robin would sit at during the summer, imagining the quarry could have been a swimming spot if it weren’t so small. Now you didn’t really have to imagine.

“I didn’t even know the Upside Down had natural water.” You say, feeling a sudden pang of fear. “Steve?”

“Yeah?”

“When was the last time you drank water?”

“Uh…” He frowns at first, thinking it through. And then he widens his eyes, staring back at you.

Neither of you have had food or water for three weeks. And worse yet, neither of you had noticed.

“How is that possible?” Steve questions and you shake your head. “I don’t even… are you hungry?”

“No.” You let out a breath, looking around you. “How could we have forgotten something like that?”

“Been too busy fighting and running.” Steve shrugs and you tighten your lips. “Come on, we’ll freak out about this later, let’s get a closer look at this water.”

You point out the ledge you had spotted earlier and soon enough, you had both quickly descended down until you were both peering over the edge, close enough to the water to see your reflections shining back at you.

“The water seems pretty clear.” Steve nods, hands on his hips as he looks across the massive body of water.

You frown. “How can you tell? Everything’s so dark down here.”

“Yeah I can’t see shit, I was lying.” Steve peers back down at it, crouching and running his hand through the water. It was strange, knowing now that he hadn’t touched water in weeks and yet, he still remained completely satisfied. “Dustin said the gate should glow red when it opens… do you think we’ll be able to see it from up here?”

“I don’t know.” You say, shifting on your feet. Steve looks up at you, noting your uneasy nature.

“Hey, they’ll let us know when the gate opens on their radar thingy.” He assures, standing back up.

“That’s not…” You glance back at the water before turning around, opting to face anywhere but there. “I don’t like water.”

“You don’t like water?” Steve repeats and you nod, thinning your lips. “Wait, like, you’re scared of it?”

“Not the water specifically. Just like...” You explain, wafting your hand through the air. “The stuff in the water.”

“Like what?” He asks, raising an eyebrow and you look shocked. “What? I’ve been swimming all my life, I have no idea what you’re on about.”

Your mouth gapes, feeling exasperated as you look between him and the water. “There’s- it could… Scary fish.”

“Scary fish?” He tries to hide his smirk and you bat his arm.“It’s the quarry, okay? Nothing was even in here before it got drained or some shit, nothing is gonna be here now, okay? Can you swim?”

“Yeah, I can swim.” You nod, looking down with a shudder. “But it’s much nicer in a pool with ceramic tiles staring back at me. Not whatever endless void of death I’m looking at right now.”

“That’s the positive spirit.” He chuckles and you grimace. “Okay, okay, look, I’m not asking you to jump in there alone, okay? We’ll do it together.”

When silence washes over, you turn to see him holding out his pinkie. You smirk, looping your own around it.

“Thought you said this was childish.”

“It grew on me.” He shrugs, smiling down at you. When he realises he’s just staring, he clears his throat, stepping back. “So, uh… what now?”

“We wait, I guess.” You say, lowering yourself onto a smaller ledge etched into the rocky surface, digging your elbows into your knees as you lean forward with your head in your hands, trying not to think about what could be lurking in the deep.

Steve joins you after a moment, his knee brushing against yours as he stretches out. He thinks how strange it was you were both so comfortable with contact that it was simply second-nature, your arm pressed against his to the point he could feel your warmth even through the thick fabric of your jackets. When the apocalypse started, neither of you could sit so close, the space between you speaking volumes.

“Do you think the military have it sorted?”

Steve’s question was a surprise, making you straighten up to meet his eyes inquisitively.

“I mean, it’s been three weeks. They must have done something.” He theorises and you shrug, not giving it much thought.

“Maybe.” You say, pursing your lips. “They didn’t have much luck before but, like you said, it’s been three weeks. The worst of it would probably mean they move us out of Hawkins, maybe to California or something.”

Something sparked hope then in Steve’s chest. Us. Not ‘them’, or ‘you’, us. Steve was always afraid to speculate about the future after the Upside Down, fully aware of the inevitable possibility you won’t have one. But there you were, including yourself in the narrative like it was meant to be.

You twist your face when you noticing him smiling, making you laugh. “You’re making that face again.”

“I can’t help it.” He chuckles and you smile back at him, nudging his shoulder playfully. “You wanna hear something funny?”

“I can’t deal with another one of your ‘knock, knock’ jokes right now.” You groan and he laughs, shaking his head.

“No, it’s not that.” He scrunches his face in thought, letting his eyes drift to the water then back to you, studying you like it was his last moment he ever could. “I, uh… do you remember anything about middle school?”

You raise your eyebrow, smirking. “Uh… a little, I guess. Why, do you?”

“It’s probably the only thing I can remember.” He sighs, leaning back until the rock edge dug into shoulder. “It was the last time I felt like a kid.”

“What’s so funny about it?” You remind him and he clicks his tongue, nodding.

“I, um…” Steve looks nervous, staring at his shoes. It made your stomach flutter, feel giddy. “I actually had the biggest crush on this girl back then. I… I don’t think I hid it that well either.”

You slowly nod, looking at your hands. “Nancy?”

“No.” He says and you back to him, frowning. “It… it was you.”

Your eyes widen. “What?”

“I- I thought you knew.” He laughs and you shake your head, looking bewildered. “Literally everyone else did. Even Robin was teasing me about it.”

“You throw so many parties that the school practically lives at your house, you’re always ranting about getting a basketball scholarship, and weirdly enough I am fully aware of the crush you had in middle school that you completely ruined but it’s so mind-blowing I can’t even repeat it.”

His mind is taken back to his very first official meeting with Robin, the way she had rambled at him the entire car ride as he drove around searching for you. She knew so much about him and, since you were close, he figured you would have known all about his middle school crush too. How wrong he was.

“I didn’t know.” You say, smiling in disbelief. “Seriously? Me?”

“Yeah.” He laughs nervously, running a hand through his hair. “I know we didn’t really hang out that much, but whenever you were around… I don’t know, you just seemed so… cool. And fun. You would always make the best jokes, you never let anyone tell you what to do. You were so different from my other friends, I just… I just had a massive crush on you.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” You ask, your wide eyes staring up at him, waiting for an answer.

“I…” He lets out a breath, shrugging. “I don’t know. Maybe I figured you wouldn’t want to be with a guy like me. I mean, the people you were friends with were nothing like me. And we never really saw eachother that much… I just ran out of time.”

“Ran out of time?”

“Well, you know.” He says, smirking. “The whole sworn enemies thing we had going on for some reason.”

Steve meant it as a joke, but your breath hitches and you shift in your spot, eyes darting away from him in a flash of hurt.

“Wait, no, I didn’t mean-” He tries, but you shake your head.

“It’s okay.” You dismiss, leaning forward. It wasn’t okay, though. It was a subject you’ve been avoiding ever since you found out Steve lost a lot of his childhood memories to deliberate punches and infuriating concussions.

But maybe you needed to stop avoiding the truth. The secret was only keeping a barrier between you, one you had cherished a long time ago but… everything was different now. It was time.

“I know you don’t remember.” You say quietly, watching how the red sky reflects against the water, making it crimson in its wake. “And that’s okay. I mean, it was a long time ago, but… but part of me wishes you did.”

Because I hate to be the one to remind you, you thought, knowing that once Steve caught a glimpse of the person he was in the past, it would eat him up inside.

“Do you remember Dan Shelter?” You ask, looking up at him. He frowns in confusion, unsure where this was heading, but he nods regardless. “The summer before freshman year, he asked me out on a date, wanted to take me to a movie or something. And I said yes.”

Steve watches how you keep your fingers busy, mindlessly twisting around a loose thread at the bottom of the jacket you were wearing, avoiding his eyes completely. He couldn’t remember a single detail of what you were talking about and yet he knows he and Dan would hang out almost all the time in the beginning years of high school.

“What happened?” He asks, feeling like he was holding his breath for far too long, afraid of the ending.

“Nothing.” You shrug, finally looking at him. “He stood me up. Part of me figured he would. He didn’t really seem that into it when he asked, I was just… I was so happy for a minute knowing someone had picked me, you know? The weird police girl. But I waited outside the theatre for an hour that day until my dad eventually picked me up and took me home.”

“I don’t…”

“I know.” You nod, sending him a reassuring smile. “But, I, um… I did see him again. At the arcade. I was there with Robin, actually. Yeah, we, uh, we managed to escape our parents for the day and just spent all our money playing stupid games. It was fun. And then I spot Dan trying to beat some high score and I felt so embarrassed at first. But then I thought, why the hell am I the one embarrassed? He was the jerk, not me.”

“So I went over.” You continue, returning to fiddle with the hem of your jacket. “I asked him up front, why didn’t he show up for our date? But, as it turns out, he wasn’t alone. Tommy and some others showed up, teasing, asking him if I was telling the truth. And he just… he laughed. Told me I was ‘freaky’, that I had been stalking him.”

“Why would he do that?” Steve shakes his head and you tighten your lips.

“Because that’s how guys like that became likeable.” You say bitterly, “It only got worse after that. They all started calling me names, laughing in my face. Robin told me to leave, and I should’ve, but I wasn’t going to stand there and take it. I told Dan he was a liar, that he wishes a girl would care enough to stalk him. And then someone else stepped forward.”

You take a deep breath, meeting Steve’s eyes. “He said it was all true. And that I… I had done it to him. That I was some crazy stalker obsessed with boys to the point where I had tried to throw myself at him. And even though they were false accusations, obviously everybody believed him over me.”

“Who…” He asks before he notices how your face twists, turning away from him once again. His stomach churns.

“You said that.” You say quietly, and his heart sinks. He ruined your life, and it wasn’t even an interaction he bothered to remember. “I didn’t even know why, either. I just remember after that, Tommy and Carol starting spreading the rumours, even attaching a whole story to it about us at Lover’s Lake and me going all crazy because you didn’t like me back or some shit. Everyone started calling it-”

“The date.” Steve finishes and you whip your head toward him, eyebrows furrowed. Nancy had told him all he needed to know, and he had chosen not to believe it could be true. But it was, and he hated himself for it.

“Yeah.” You nod, biting your lip. “I… I didn’t really make many friends after that. ‘The date’. They all assumed I was trying to use them to get to boys, that I was some kind of freak. After a while I just gave up trying to convince anyone any different. I already had enough to deal with, I just…. I stopped caring.”

“I can’t believe I forgot about that.” Steve says and you start to shake your head.

“No, you’ve- you’ve been through a lot, I don’t-”

“It doesn’t change what I did.” He interrupts, looking at you with determination. “Back then, I- I was so obsessed with everyone liking me, with fitting in with, god, Tommy and Dan… I would say literally anything to make me their friend. I did say literally anything.”

You watch as Steve’s face scrunches in disgust, burying it in his hands and mumbling into them. “I can’t believe I did that.”

“It was a long time ago, now.” You try and he runs his hands through his hair, straightening back up.

“I am so so sorry, Y/n.” He says with such conviction you knew it was true. You just never thought you’d hear those words ever leave King Steve’s lips. And you were partially right. Because the boy sat beside you, holding your hand and begging for your forgiveness, wasn’t King Steve anymore.

“I forgive you.” You give him a small smile, squeezing his hand.

“Really?” He frowns. Something heavy in his chest was lifting. Three small words that held heavy significance were giving him a peace he was unfamiliar with. After last year, he had assumed he was on the path to forgiveness for his old self, knowing he would have years to redeem. He figured as long as he proved himself, he wouldn’t need to hear those little words. But he did. He really did.

“Steve.” You raise your eyebrow, a smirk playing on your lips. “I literally just made out with you in a cheap motel bathroom yesterday.”

A smile stretches onto his face, a rouge tint hitting his cheeks. “You mean you don’t do that with all the boys you’re stuck in the Upside Down with?”

“Only the ones I’ve forgiven.” You shrug and he dramatically holds his hand to his heart, making you laugh.

After a moment, he wraps his arm around you and pulls you closer, resting his head against yours as you smile against his touch.

“Thank you. For forgiving me.” He mumbles into your hair and you pull away, looking up at him with such adoration, he felt the tips of his ears turn pink under your gaze.

Your hand reaches up to brush your fingers against his cheek, holding your breath. He brings himself closer and your eyes flutter shut, feeling his lips brush against yours until you commit fully, your hands slipping around his neck like he would slip away.

The kiss wasn’t the same as it was the first time. There wasn’t any hesitation or urgency. It was just simply sweet, all of your senses consumed by Steve and Steve only. His heart found its rhythm with yours, everything else washing away into a stream of his happiness.

And, when you pull away, he’s still chasing your lips, eyes closed and cheeks red. It was the second time he has ever kissed you, and he already craved a million more.

“Steve?”

“Yeah.”

“Look.”

He opens his eyes to find your worried ones staring back, tilting your head to the water. He turns his gaze over to the quarry, his eyebrows furrowing.

A red glow was starting to blare through, casting the quarry in a scarlet hue. It was beaming from the middle, just as you said it would, like a living, breathing heart.

You both slowly stand, moving closer to the edge with heavy chests. This was finally it. This was the escape.

“Guys, the gate just showed.” Lucas’ voice blares out into the dark from the ground beside you. You reach down to grab the radio and hold it to your lips.

“We see it.”

“You have around 5 minutes to get through before it shuts off for good.”

“It’s all we need.” Steve nods, looking at you. “I’m gonna dive down a little, just enough to get a look and see if it’s big enough.”

He pulls off his jacket, knowing it would only weigh him down in the long run. Letting it fall beside him, he moves to the edge until he feels your hand on his arm, making him turn back to your worried gaze.

“Be careful.” You say and he smiles at you, giving you a smile salute before finally diving down in perfect form.

The water engulfs him like a warm blanket, shocking his senses as he prepared for the cold. But it didn’t feel any different from his swimming pool at home, his legs kicking out and driving him further down the quarry. He followed the red light, his eyes adjusting to the gate that lay at the bottom. It looked like some sort of thick membrane was blocking his view to the other side, but he took that as a positive. It meant nothing was bleeding out into the other side.

After about twenty seconds of you shifting on your feet, Steve resurfaced just a few metres away, presumably directly above the gate. Once he spotted where he had left you, he grins.

“We’re good.” He calls out, shaking water droplets from his hair and extending his arm as an invitation. “No pressure, but… it’s now or never.”

You nod, taking a deep breath. No pressure. You were just going to dive into this suspicious body of water in hopes of breaking through a gate that lay at the very bottom of the quarry. And you had limited time to do it. No pressure at all.

You dump your bag and your jacket, neither of which you would need on the surface. Hopper would surely be heading to Sattler’s Quarry now to take you both far away from here. Home.

As you ready yourself to jump, you look up to ensure you’d be swimming in the right direction when your eye catches something on the other side of the quarry, making you squint into the darkness. Your heart jumps.

The red glow from the gate was making the water a little clearer, making everything look scarily like blood. But that wasn’t really the terrifying part.

A dark shape was moving in the water.

And it was heading directly for Steve.

“Get out of the water.” You say, completely numb. He frowns at you, and finally your voice rises. “Steve, get out right now!”

Swivelling his head around, he’s confused at your outburst and trying to find what you were staring at. And then he sees it, something big. He wasn’t alone in the water.

“Shit.” He breathes out, immediately starting to swim towards you.

There is a big distance between you and where he started in the middle, your voice almost alien to yourself as you continuously cried out.

“Steve! Come on, just a little more!” You keep shouting, hoping your words would somehow bring him to you faster. It’s gaining on him, but he’s so close.

You’re reaching over the edge, arms held out ready to pull him out. You can almost brush your fingertips against his. Just a few more arm strokes towards you until the water would splash your face and he’d be in your arms-

The water shifts directly behind him.

And then he’s gone.

You’re just left alone, screaming into the darkness.

“STEVE!”

Chapter Sixteen: The Pattern ->

taglist: @toomanyfandomsimfanvergent . @sheisjoeschateau . @kthomps914 . @curled-hair-red-lips . @nix-rose . @palmtreesx3 . @kryztalglear . @sattlersquarry . @hey-barnes-stole-a-jeep . @sadslasher13 . @iliveonteaandbooks . @innercreationflower . @newyorkangelbaby .

[thedemonsurfer]

Not me making myself sad thinking about Ruin qq

Im just! He never got a chance! He spent 50 years in his own dimension just trying to survive, not draw attention to himself while he worked on his plans to not just get rid of his Creator, but all Creators that were going to be problems.

And then he gets to 'our' dimension, and while this can't be the ONLY time he's ever had the chance to have allies, it's certainly his Best chance. Especially when they don't kill him! They 'cure' him instead! Surely there's hope!

And then it doesn't

Go

Anywhere

He lived as an ally for 3 months before anyone bothered getting him repaired. He was an afterthought, an awkward annoyance.

And everyone puts such great emphasis on how they didn't trust Ruin-- but I don't think he ever was given a reason to trust THEM. And whatever tolerance or hope he had for finding allies, maybe even friends, went out the window when Moon demanded to pick through his head.

How fucked up is it, knowing you have to corrupt most of your own mind to hide your tracks, because this person for sure will never be an ally? That any hope of being able to get their help in your plan, an effective yet terrible plan, has been completely dashed?

That you're as alone now as you have been for your entire life?

There had to have been alternatives. Maybe if the home crew had been more accepting, if Ruin had gotten access to different perspectives and resources and ideas, maybe an alternative could have been found.

But those things were never an option for him. And of course he stuck with the plan even if it meant Solar would die too-- sacrificing all dimensions for the sake of one person who was only kind of nice to you is a stupid thing to do if you've gotten this far.

(Man it must have hurt to hear Solar's last comment about him be "I guess we should have killed him". Like Ruin was an afterthought of some kind, not even worth addressing directly. Solar might as well have said "I guess I shouldn't have ordered the sushi".)

And yeah i know I'm just a major sucker for accepting punishment gracefully, of the fact that he knows his actions are unforgivable and hasn't tried to argue for any reasons why he shouldn't die-- the most he's said is a small plea that his death is painless, but even then he's resigned himself to suffering. He just wants to help. He's Moon's savior complex and Sun's unshakeable focus smashed together into one.

I know in the show either he's going to sacrifice himself to help, or someone like a Creator will kill him. I don't see him acting as a direct enough threat to justify letting the good guys kill him (congrats Eclipse you graduated to good guy for this).

But man.... I just really want to see someone have been nice to him. For Moon to forgive him somehow, maybe after Solar is back? I wish he could be pulled out of the pit he's in, because there's no light at all for him right now 8(

But I guess that comes with being an Eclipse. There's no hope for you, you're just.... screwed on whatever path you end up on.

[factual-fantasy]

28 ASKS! :DD THANK YOU!! 🍪

@spiritflower-galaxy (Thank you! :DD)

WAIT HANG ON NO NO--

I'm not getting into cookie run! I don't play the games or know any of the lore. Nor am I particularly motivated to really learn much about it on my own time..

I want to clarify that I just really liked the art style! <:D All the colors and themed characters,, it looked really fun! So I scraped together all the knowledge I needed to make some characters for it and then stopped there..

Now I'm not against people rambling in my ask box and doing all the lore research for me.. 👀💅.. just saying that I'm not going out of my way to learn the cookie run lore on my own time- <XDD

(Post in question)

I didn't have a name in mind for him, no.. :(( though he might be named something moth related. If I could access my files- I would have shown you that he was meant to have moth wings! :00

@youlikwjazz004

I haven't seen chapter 3 or any of the angst about it.. <:( sorry!

@taizarack (Post in question)

XDD She really is a goblin. And because she is the most powerful member of the group, no one can really tell her no-

Daww, thank you!! :DD

@drawingdragon7

I've thought about that! :0 I just never got around to drawing it <XDD 💔 Some kind of leather pads that they tie to his feet. Kind'a like cursed horseshoes <XDD

Thank you so much!! 🥰🥰 I wish the same for you!! :}}

.. well? Does she taste good? :0 I imagine a cookie with tomato and meat in it wouldn't taste the best-- XDD

:DDD Thank you! :}}

XD Everything is a 10/10 to her!

@catpop12343

:DD THANK YOU! I'm glad you like what you see! :}}}

@couchwow

I love the art style! And wow, Bluey?? Bingo?? Who let you two into the radiation cabinet?-- XDD /pos

Idk if they would necessarily.. bond.? Over their similar traumas?.. but perhaps there would be a level of understanding between them.

Like, if Papyrus has these strange specific fears or habits due to his trauma. No one would know how to handle it, or understand it better than Jevil could.

....Maybe that's exactly what you meant by bonding over their trauma and I'm just dumb-- <XDD

And how easy it was to dispose of them. Thats haunting XD

(Post in question)

Thank you! :D And aw, what a shame. I had a lot of fun with that movie :(

@raptor1312

XD Well I'm not into the games exactly-- but thank you! I'm very glad to hear that you like my OCs!! :DDD

(Post in question)

Aw, I'm really sorry actually. I felt the same way in the end. I felt like having this really creepy and twisted story with Papyrus as the focus was interesting and fun!.. But not giving him any kind of salvation.? That made it not fun anymore. It was just plain sad. :(

And don't worry about the "possible" part. Its totally canon now XD Papyrus canonically gets yoinked from his sad AU and finds peace with his new friends. :)

As for Seam and Jevil, its.. complicated.

They kiiind'a keep him at arms length..? And its mostly due to the trauma they associate with him and the fact they feel so bad for having abandoned him. They just don't know what to say..

But of course, Papyrus has such a big heart. He fully understands that they're not super comfortable around him just yet. So he kindly gives them space and avoids the subject around them.

Not to worry though. Eventually the tension will dissolve and he will build true friendships with the both of them. :)

@chickenheadguy

Its nice to not have to do any of the research myself I tell you what! XDD

@citrusfruitman

XDD Ok so the story with that is-- in my Sister Location AU I'm thinking that William Afton is using his circus as a front to go from town to town murdering kids..

What I mean about Funtime Freddy being safe to hug "for now".. is that I haven't fully decided if I want William to murder kids by having the animatronics snatch them up.. Ooorr if he just uses them/the circus as one big lure and distraction and does all the murdering himself.

So far I kiiind'a like the idea that the animatronics are innocent and aren't used as tools to murder kids. But that could change. So Freddy is safe to hug!.. For now.. :)

If they somehow ended up there they'd probably just hide in the shadows. If it seems safe and they can find food? They'll stay a while! :}

(Post in question)

Same here! Ngl I was expecting a negative response to those drawings. Considering how insane the movie is- Glad I'm not the only one who had fun with the movie or at least saw its potential! :D

@butshesgotthespirit

:DDD THANK YOU!!! I'm so glad you like how I reimagined them!! :}}

XD I remember that ask, I shall respond to this one with the same images!

"But you haven’t seen my face before..

…right….?"

(WOW these drawings are old. Bibi isn't even there! <XD💔)

@oliepoki

I wish I actually had anything to tell you XD those 3 characters are a bit underdeveloped--

So far though I've planned that Urchin and Cuttlefish are besties. Think Bratty and Catty from Undertale..? I had plans for Cuttlefish to be an experienced pirate that came from another crew. She somehow became indebted to Seafoam and by the time she paid her debt.. she was really attached to the crew. So she stuck around.

Though with her personality being sly and crafty.. I would expect her to find a way to slip through the crew fingers and escape instead of paying her debt. Soooo that backstory might be given to another character or at least has to be altered in some way..

For Spider Crab I'm playing around with the idea that he is the crews medic. Also I think him, Louis and Octo would be friends. I can see Louis always dragging Spider into doing fun activities with the rest of the crew XD Also Him and Octo are close becuase they both understand/respect each others space... that and Octo isn't loud and obnoxious like Louis is XDD

That's unfortunately all the info those characters have atm.. thank you for taking interest in them though! :DD It makes me very smile :}}

GASP!! :000 THANK YOU SO MUCH!! :}}} Right back at you!! :DD 👉👉✨✨✨

[cult-of-the-eye]

Goodbye, My Danish Sweetheart by Mitski as a jmart song:

"there's nobody better than you/it just took me a while til I knew"

Fuck it's so Jon talking to Martin. He sees Martin as a better person than him, both morally and literally in terms of humanity and it fits his whole S1 ew martin to S4 oh martin arc so well

"but you knew from the start it was us, didn't you/it just took me a while til I knew"

Yep yep yep that's Martin. He loved Jon from the start. Of course Jon's admitting that. And of course he's doing it in such a self deprecating way.

Read more cause this is long

"now I lay as I study a blank wall/would you spare me your voice if I call?"

Ok so we're in Martin's Peter Lukas era right now, Jon is fully pining he's completely checked out and dissociating and he needs Martin to ground him, to be his anchor and he's reaching out in a way that puts the focus on Martin's next move as opposed to him calling which is SO HIM

"Cause you waited and watered my heart 'til it grew/you just grew a little smarter, too"

Fuck he's like you treated me so well, you waited so long for me to like you back but then you realised it was futile and stopped, but obviously you would do that because you're an angel and blameless

"So, I don't blame you/If you want to bury me in your memory/I'm not the girl I ought to be, but/Maybe when you tell your friends/You can tell them what you saw in me/And not how I turned out to be"

Jon's love is just so self deprecating I feel like, he's so acts of service, he's like it's ok that you don't want me, I get it, I'm not loveable but at least I seemed loveable for you to have crushed on me for that long

And and cause Martin's separated from jon, the only thing he has left is his memory of him, the one that lives in his head

"There's some kind of burning inside me/It's kept me from falling apart"

Oh yeah this is so them like Jon's had this drive within him, this incessant need to keep going, to keep finding things out, to keep burrowing deeper into the problem and it's kept him alive cause it's kept him ambitious and it's kept him from being stagnant but it's also been destroying him from the inside cause he can't stop

"And I'm sure that you've seen what it's done to my heart/But it's kept me from falling apart"

But Martin sees this, Martin knows who Jon is and it's almost a plea to try and accept that what's driving him isn't a good thing

"Now here I lay as I wonder about you/would you just tell me what I'm meant to do?"

Jon's like how do I get Martin to come back, how do I get him to be near me, ive tried everything, just tell me and I'll do it

"Cause I've waited and watered my heart 'til it grew/you can see how it's blossomed for you"

Its like a look, you waited for me, now I'll wait for you, I'll take care of myself in your absence to show you how much I care about what you've done for me, I do love you, finally, thank you for waiting all this time

"And I don't mean to make your heart blue/But could we be what we're meant to be?/I'm just about to beg you, please"

God I'm so feral for this last bit

Jon's like I know me begging you to come back is hurting you but I'm finally giving into what you want, you need to come back so we can be together like we're meant to, he's at the end of his tether, he's pleading while threatening to plead

"And then, when you tell your friends/You can tell them what you saw in me/And not the way I used to be"

I'll be better for you, I promise vibes.

[eriexplosion]

I never let myself really believe they'd bring Tech back (because Occam's razor, or whatever). And I'm so used to weird/bad writing choices from other works that I'm mostly able to shrug my shoulders and go "aw rats, disappointment again :\" about TBB's ending.

... But I still feel kinda hollowed-out, post-finale. I'm not autistic (I think), but my sibling is, so it meant something to my old withered heart that a Star Wars show about family would have a confirmedly-ND character among their cast (though, somewhat tangentially, I agree with your post about all of the Bad Batch being arguably ND-coded). I was delighted that he was well-written, and that he'd eclipsed the stock "smart guy" trope he'd started out as in TCW.

And, I dunno. I feel like a sucker, having hoped for a brief moment that the writers wouldn't throw all that away. And for what? People on reddit were saying for months on end that "his sacrifice is meaningful and shouldn't be wasted", but I can't agree. I think it would've been more meaningful had he lived.

I feel disappointed with the trajectory the back half of S3 took, and I don't think that's unreasonable. Even beyond the disappointment of "dang, they really did that?", S3 after the first handful of eps (imo) felt kind of... rushed? Underexplored? Like there should've been a season 4 (for pacing/development's sake) and various changes to the plot, but there weren't.

Told myself several years ago that I'd reserve judgment for the writing until the series was over and done with. And now that it's all just wrapped up, I suppose I'm stewing with my thoughts, a little. The character arcs all feel like they fell short of their potential payoff, to me -- and maybe I'll change my mind in a few months, but right now? Eh.

Crosshair's got PTSD/trauma that makes his hand shake? Cut off the hand. Omega's got potential force sensitivity/a decision to make concerning what to do going forward? Who cares about that. Tech's getting a decent (and suspicious, in hindsight) amount of character development? Better kill him off so the audience really feels the sting. Cid, Phee, CX-2, Echo, Scorch? Who cares about them; they can show up when their skills are needed and fuck off without halfway-decent closure when they aren't. The familial/sibling themes that were open to being explored? Eh; let's focus predominantly on this one father-child bond. Omega doesn't even need to say goodbye to Crosshair and Wrecker, lol. Foreshadowing and setup? What foreshadowing and setup.

... I'm realizing that I'm actually Quite disappointed lmao. In a lackluster "I don't know what I expected" kind of way. Time to read so many fix-its

There's just a lot that was set up that never came to fruition and it's frustrating when the show has been so good up until that point. And the thing is that Tech being CX-2 would have resolved at least some of it! The CX-2 plot obviously but also, Crosshair's guilt and trauma being helped by being able to fix at least one of his mistakes? Omega's guilt over putting her family in danger being relieved because she finally has them all back?

It didn't even need to be fleshed out, I wouldn't have cared. The only thing I wanted this whole show was the family to be together and complete. And not only did we not get Tech back but yeah Echo was basically just not counted as part of that and Phee was ignored in the end.

This season feels like it needed another editing pass to work as a whole, even though I'd liked everything up to the finale it didn't really end up coming together for me. I'd even have accepted Tech being gone if they had put actual mourning in the first half, instead of stringing it along with little mentions and the CX-2 stuff. I'd be frustrated and mad, but at least it would have felt like they respected him as a character.

Really the only good things I have to say is I think Nala Se blowing up the databanks was a fantastic end to her character that didn't really redeem everything she's done but did bring her to an interesting stopping point. And I am glad everyone else made it out alive. I'm glad that Crosshair especially did after everything he's been through, he's still my boy after all this time even if the Tech stuff has overshadowed a lot of his growth in my head.

[grimoire-of-geekery]

What is your advice for someone who can read tarot relatively okay for other people but is trash when it comes to reading for themself? (Cards dont make sense and literally every card is reversed despite careful shuffling to get a healthy mix of both upright and reversed cards)

*hugs* I know that frustration all too well.

Ok, so here are some things I say to everyone where tarot reading is concerned:

It's not just what the cards say, it's what they don't say. A tarot deck works by representing the whole world and all of the various turns and twists of fate people can experience. When Death shows up, but not the Ten of Swords, that's because you're dealing with Death, but not in the form of an ending. Likewise, if the Three of Coins appears and not the Eight, then your experience will reflect financial growth and demonstration of your mastery, rather than the learning of that skillset.

For this reason, I encourage diviners to adopt a different method for reading inversions than "the bad version of this card" or "the opposite." For the latter, there's already a card in the deck for any "opposite" meaning you could come up with. For the former... every card can be bad or good in the right circumstance. For myself, I use a method where the inverted cards are signs that the querent will have difficulty understanding that card, and I should take pains to carefully explain that one, pointing out nuances that might be missed. Generally it means the card is "shadowed," or their own beliefs and views obstruct the truth. Another really good one I read recently is the idea of an upright card being "invoked" and an inverted card being "banished," which is a very interesting perspective. I like the idea of "this card is departing from you, or taking its blessing/curse/experience away."

Those two things I say to everyone, just to clear space. The first really specific piece of advice I'd give to you if you're having trouble reading for yourself is do not add cards. Read what's already there. Take a picture of it, note everything in a journal, and look at it periodically. Focus not on what your feeling is, but what the card means. Do research, look it up in books, especially your own writings on the card if you have them. Seriously, adding too many cards makes the reading even harder to read. "Clarification" cards are a joke.

In addition, check your spread. The spreads we use are how we talk to the world and ask for information. Make sure that when you lay those cards in that pattern, you actually want the information the spread can offer. If you're looking for advice, don't ask a spread that's solely about prediction, that sort of thing.

I'd also suggest you take a look at the deck and see if it really expresses how you experience the world, and then I'd do divination that has nothing to do with your wishes for a while, to see if it can accurately relate the world to you. I wanna be specific here- what I'm talking about here is not how you wish the world was, but rather how you experience the world as it is. The deck is meant to reflect the world as it is, and reveal its secrets to you, and if the deck isn't doing that for you in your readings, you may need to use a different deck, or maybe even a different divination method at all.

If all your cards are coming up inverted all the time, that's a sign. The deck is specifically speaking to you and saying something to you. If it were my own deck, that would be a message that "you ain't gonna get it, so you may as well stop asking." I can't say what that omen means for you, but I would consider it a big one, maybe a step or two above "stalker" cards, and just below the significance of a reading that's more than 80% one suit. If that's the case, I'd ask your cards what they're trying to tell you that you're not getting, and record the answers. For myself, I use three-card combinations for those kinds of specific questions.

If you wanna reach out and talk to me more in depth, I'm definitely available if you wanna come off anon and have a conversation, or you can just send a few more anon asks if that's your comfort level. I hope I helped, one way or another. *hugs*

[gothic-thoughts]

Just Five Seconds of Focus

(realized i only have one smut of this adorable man. Finna rectify that rn 😌😌)

Part 2! Joseph Joestar x Black Fem Reader Fluff

ModernAU, CollegeAU, Tutor!Reader, Strangers2lovers

CW: studying with Jojo, kisses as motivation, biology facts(nerdshit fr)

TW: Might b corny asf but I thought it was cute 😭

Word Count: 1064 (give or take)

“Oh c’mon (Y/n)!”

Joseph Joestar, your classmate, was always a goofy, fun-loving guy. Unfortunately, that meant he hated any work that wasn’t fun, so studying with him for the upcoming biology test was torture. Eventually, you became fed up with his whining and bargaining, knowing you needed to make this study sesh into a game or something before you both failed.

“I said no. I am not failing cuz you wanna get a new high score.”

“Ugh... c’mon, I already know a lot of biology.” Joseph whined, “And we’ve been at this for hours.”

“No, you’ve been playing Mario Kart since we got back from class.”

“One more round won’t hurt!”

“It will cuz you obviously don't know how to stop.”

“I’ll stop myself after just one more round, I promise!” Joseph begged again, looking at you with puppy eyes.

“Hm, you still like me?”

Jojo went completely silent for a long moment as if he was trying to process your words.

“Now you’re shy? You was pretty shameless when you announced it last week.”

“Yeah, but this feels like a trick of some kind...”

“Just answer.”

"Maybe, what if I do?"

“Then how about for every question you get right I give you a kiss?”

Before you knew it, his Nintendo Switch was tossed up onto his bed and he was sitting right next to you, legs criss-crossed with the biggest smile on his face. 

"What are we waiting for?!”

“All I did was blink...”

“First question!”

“You bein’ serious?”

"Yep! If each good answer equals one kiss, I'm gonna be the best damn student in the entire school! We’ll ace this test for sure!"

You blink at his sudden enthusiasm before picking up your textbook, quickly flipping through to the questions and randomly picking one. 

“Ight, first one: what’s an animal cell?”

Joseph went silent, looking up to his right side before smiling. "That would be the one without the cell wall since it’s not a plant."

You look at the question again and shrug. “Works for me.”

Jojo smirked smugly, leaning over and presenting his cheek to you. Those pretty eyes shut as he waited, making you scoff and laugh in disbelief.

“I didn’t promise anything!”

“Come on, you know you want to~”

“Jojo.”

Rolling your eyes, you sigh before gently pecking his cheek, close enough to his lips to tease him a little, leaving a glossy kiss mark behind. He pouts a little, giving you a playful, knowing ‘look’.

"Aww, come on, a real kiss."

“Jojo--!”

“Just a quick one~!”

You laugh at him and place a soft kiss on his plump lips, making him chuckle. 

"Next question~"

“Hm, where is the radius ulna located?”

"Easy," Jojo scoffed, "It’s your forearm. It’s the bone on the outer side of the forearm."

You lean over and give him another kiss on the lips, holding it for a little longer just to make the poor boy’s heart race. You quickly pull away and pick up the textbook again, flipping through it to find another question while he pouts about it.

“Okay... Why do blood cells need oxygen to survive?”

"Oxygen is also needed to make hemoglobin, the protein that helps carry oxygen. They need oxygen to move through the body and release energy.”

“See? This ain’t even that bad.”

"Ahem, aren't you forgetting something?"

“I'm not giving you a kiss for that, that was an easy one!”

“Tch, you’re the one that said every question.”

“....shit.”

Once you place a soft kiss on his lips, he sighs in relief and smiles again, sass completely gone.

“Ight, only a couple more; I don't wanna get lip gloss all over you.”

"Hey, you can get lip gloss all over me any time~" Joseph winks.

“Oh shush~” You whisper, “Now, how do you determine the age of an individual using their skull?”

"Hm, I see you're going for harder questions now. It's... it’s based on the degree of development of the top of the skull and the features of the bone itself. By studying the features and measurements, you can determine the estimated age of a person."

“Good.” Another kiss.

"Alright, hit me with another one!" He said between breathless giggles.

“One more.”

"Alright, but I want a long one this time."

You furrow your eyebrows. “A long one?”

"Mhm, a long, passionate one~"

Your eyebrows raise in realization. “I feel like my lips are gonna be dry at this rate.”

“I could keep them moist if you run out of lip gloss.”

“There’s that shamelessness from last week.”

"I’m just saying... as much as I love these little kisses, I wouldn't mind getting a more intense one soon."

“How intense are you thinking?”

“Whatever you’re comfortable with, Miss Teacher.”

“Hm... that means I'm gonna give you a good question. Why do eyes become red in camera flashes?”

Jojo thinks a second, tapping his chin before suddenly he snapped his fingers.

"It’s the...uh... it’s the red-eye effect.”

“Well, duh. I said why.” 

“Cuz... of... the...”

“Guess no kiss--”

“Wait, no! It’s cuz of the way that the light bounces inside the eye. Yeah, that’s it; the flash causes reflections inside the retina-- which is red.”

“You’re shameless.”

“And eager.” He smiles widely, “So reward now... please?”

You lean in slowly just to watch him squirm in anticipation before you finally press your plump lips to his. He sighs softly as holding your face in his hands, making sure you can’t pull away like all the other times. He’s been wanting to taste you, to take that glossy lip sheen off, and feel your tongue like he’s been wanting for weeks. 

He hums as he slides his tongue into your mouth, getting so carried away that he picks you up from your spot on the floor and sits you on his lap, keeping your hips close to his torso. His eagerness almost drives you to his point of aggressiveness and you fist the front of his crop top in a tight grip, pulling him impossibly closer. Joseph moaned loudly and placed one hand on the back of your neck while he wrapped the other around your waist. You suddenly became fully aware of the lack of air in your lungs and pulled back, panting lightly.

“Damn Jojo...”

“Oops.” He smiles.

“I might like you back at this rate.”

“You might? As if you don’t already~”

[oh-no-its-bird]

Ok so updated list of my WIPS;

Actually in progress;

- Offal and All (Kakashi's relationship with food throughout the years, mostly told through the eyes of others) I'm activley focusing on this one rn and hoping to post it like, this week actually. It's a mash up of a lot of different tiny Kakashi hc's I've posted about and should be very fun (and depressing, but that's kind of my brand, so.)

- One Step Three Steps chapter 10, it's going well so far actually I just keep writing it at work then being forced to stop bc like. Work. Might go up this week, hopefully

- Chasing Shadows chapter 4, it's like 20% done? Ish? I just need to find the head space to get back to writing it, will go up within the next 2 weeks for sure but idk when exactly. It'll be great tho ur gonna get Hikaku, Fugaku, Shisui, Mikoto, just all the cool Uchiha. Lots of politics, lots of drama, the works

- Itama and the secret senju weed empire fic,,,, it will be long and it will be beautiful which means it'll take me forever to do, sorry

- Magical Girl Izuna AU (my beloved) I got distracted by other projects midway through writing chapter 1 but I'll get there eventually

- Little lab mystery where kid edo-tensei reincarnations of Madara and Tobirama wake up with no memories and immediately stage a jail break

- Nin burger!!!!! Yes this is a real thing yes I meant to post it like the same week I started making it but then I got distracted and didn't. But I swear to fucking GOD I will see it complete. Nin Burger is my favorite real naruto restaurant that is real

- That one oneshot where Madara and Tobirama spend a festival night in the capital together as children, and Madara develops his very first crush on the fox masked boy, but seems to be doomed never to meet him again— till Konoha's first festival is held and he sees a man wearing the very same mask, waiting for him in the crowds. Might not actually finish this one tbh but also maybe I'll save it for tbmd week?? Idk

Considering / Planning;

- Hikaku as the Uchiha clan head after Madara's betrayal comic,,, not an actual fic but I wanna make this so bad. I've written notes for it I just need to get along to drawing it

- Izuna in Wonderland comic, honestly I'll probably end up doing the entire thing in one go one night when I get hit in the face w a brick w motivation. So it'll be a surprise for both u guys and me when I post that! I always do my comics in one go bc I physically can't bring myself to return to art projects if interrupted, which means I tend to do longer ones on my days off where I have literally nothing else to do or distract me, but I haven't had one of those in like. 2 months now. So. But I will soon!! Umm. Maybe.

- Here Before and After Me chapter 2, I'll probably make one eventually but who tf knows when. I have a very specific vision of Kakashi following Tobirama onto the battlefield and scaring the shit out of a very alarmed and confused Izuna

- Tobirama and Izuna's field trip through time and space, I don't think I want to commit to a full fic bc it'd be seriously long and I'm already commiting to Chasing Shadows and One Step Three Steps as my regular update long fics, then the MG Izuna au and Itama fic as my "write it all behind the scenes then post" long fics. One shots only for me, sorry. But I do wanna write a silly one shot of the boys crash landing face first into a konoha council meeting during their field trip

Dropped / Abandoned;

- That one mdtb space mermaid au, rip. Maybe I'll come back to u one day but for now I have a lot to focus on, sorry

- mdtb fish in a pond fic where Tobirama is half spirit and turns into a koifish that Tajima then brings home and tosses into the families koi pond

I think that's everything? I have a shit memory and do everything on my notes app then forget to categorize the notes half the time so I honestly wouldn't be surprised if I'd lost smthn else in my like billion different notes.

Those are the important ones tho, so, good enough!

[hallowpen]

Last Twilight has me conflicted...

I've had some time to sit with the ending for a while and I just cannot find myself definitively deciding whether or not I'm okay with it. And I think the reason for that is because there are valid opinions for both sides of the argument.

From a narrative standpoint, Last Twilight should have been given the room to fully flesh out its story. After episode 10, things began to feel a little rushed and overlooked. This tends to happen too often in Thai QL dramas, that are limited by their amount of episodes, when the meat of their stories are left toward the end of the series.

This is all meant to say that Last Twilight could have benefited from some breathing room: (I'm only touching on three story points because these seem to be the biggest cause for contention among watchers...and I don't want this post to ramble on forever)

The Breakup - I remain firmly in the camp that the breakup was inevitable and not 'unnecessary'. Had it been executed properly and given the deeper conversation it warranted between the two involved characters, it would have absolutely landed a lot better. Mhok and Day are incredibly young and both are still on their journey to find/accept themselves. When your self discovery becomes intertwined in someone else's, stuff can become misconstrued and messy. Mhok and Day each had to stand on their own two feet and realize that they did not need to have the other in their life in order to do so. It was important for the characters to SAY that they did not want to be an anchor in each other's lives. (I personally don't think a solution as simple as 'long distance relationship' would have worked here. LDR's are hard work and it would have detracted from the focus they needed to have on themselves as individuals). After time apart, they could always come back together and re-evaluate. (Blocking someone's number and completely writing them out of your life after one bump in the road may not have been the way to go about this either). In a healthy adult relationship, Mhok and Day would TALK about what each of them want out of a reconciliation and take culpability for what went wrong in the past. IT'S NOT ALL JUST ON MHOK...

Mhok - Which brings me to my next point... I've come to the conclusion that I have to accept Last Twilight as Day's story and Day's point of view. Mhok was, unfortunately, left by the wayside. There was so much to unpack there and the writers really could have delved deeper into Mhok's background and trauma...but they chose not to. Mhok's characterization felt as if it were an untapped well with incredible narrative potential. The added bonus of seeing Jimmy truly bringing this character to full realization would have been glorious, but alas... I digress. Mhok's journey exists only in the land of time jumps.

Day's Vision - The ending is what I struggle the most to find peace with. I think I remain somewhere in the middle where I can see the series working in either direction had the narrative been aligned properly. Whether or not Day's vision was restored does not take away from his journey, yet it still feels like its 'message' got lost in the crossfire. Without getting too personal, how the ending was presented just felt so ableist. There were uses of the word "normal" that I did not like and it felt like a scramble to wrap everything up in a nice, neat, little bow. I think there needed to be a deeper conversation woven within the story as to why Day chose to have the surgery and how, while that choice was available to and worked for him, it is not a universally shared experience/reality amongst the disabled community. Maybe I just selfishly expect too much from these kinds of series, I don't know.

All in all, time skips can be a useful tool... but what happens in the in between is sometimes too important to overlook, especially in a show that is so character driven. I will end this by saying that JimmySea absolutely acted their butts off, and as someone who had never seen them act together before, I consider myself to be a newly instated fan. I look forward to whatever other projects they should have together.

[sourbinnie]

title -> antes de morirme pair -> ex!chan x gn!reader genre -> aaaaangst to fluff + non idol!au plot -> one lonely night for two dumb lovers words -> 1881 warnings -> smoking + drinking + drugs mentioned once + cursing lowercase intended

vámonos de aquí para no volver y si volvemos, que sea solo pa' hacerlo llover vámonos de aquí, no quiero esperar el cielo está en algún otro lugar

antes de morirme / c.tangana & rosalia

what was i doing here? i don't know.

i lost track of time when i was being dragged by my friends to this club. i didn't know how to manage my feet as i just kept on walking towards nowhere and expecting to find myself somewhere. i wanted to get out of my house so bad that when jisung brought up this solution, i just put on my shoes and ran with it. now i'm beginning to regret it, i never was the biggest fan of the smell of alcohol or the sweat in people's foreheads as they bumped into each other 'cause this clearly wasn't dancing. everything felt heavy, like there was no air going through my lungs and i felt myself get lost in the place, managing to lose every friend that i brought with me.

i could only hear mumbling, the beat of a track that went on & on but headed nowhere in the background. i kept getting glances of interest approaching my way but none of them were of interest to me. it's like i couldn't even think straight 'cause my mind always went to one person only, the one i was trying so hard to forget. i wanted to head towards the exit as soon as i entered the building but it's like i couldn't find it anymore. i was meant to loose up, i was supposed to have a good time (i wasn't). 

i'm also not the biggest fan of drinking but my feet took me to bar and i started ordering drink after drink. to the point where i had to cut myself off as i checked my phone's time and it was heading towards midnight and i could not stop. felt like an eternity just sitting there and watching people, not even talking to the bartender. in the crowd i counted couples making out, dudes that were drunk as fuck doing embarrassing shit, people smoking inside, all kinds of drugs splattered on the tables and chairs and more crazy shit that i did not dare to look up on google as soon as the night was over, i was better not knowing.

through the smoke and mirrors i found your shadow teasing me. i'm either really drunk or insane if i knew exactly that the shape that was made was you. the worst part is that i was right and i could not stop looking at you. you were insanely gorgeous, all dressed up like it was your party and all fresh & clean, looking your best while i was dying at my worst. 

you didn't look happy though, there was this one dude tugging at your arm. he looked insanely drunk and i was insanely confident in the fact that you did not like him one bit. all the alcohol was drained out of me as soon as i heard you mumble "let go" and it was over. somehow i found jisung & minho staring at me (like i wasn't looking for them all night long) and i just shook my head and pushed everyone out of the way just to head towards you. it was harder than i expected even though i saw you, i could not find it easy to go through so many fucking people. but i managed to do it and the look on your face was telling me that you did not expect me to be here. the guy tried to grab you again, harsher this time and this is when i lost all my self control as i grabbed his arm, pushing it away and giving him a punch in the face. i did not regret it one bit, no is no, not caring if it was too much. he was unconscious on the floor, maybe because of the punch or a mix of the alcohol or whatever, i could not give a single fuck. my focus was on you again and your shocked expression.

"chan what the fuck? i-." no words were coming out of you so i just grabbed your hand and through the crowd, the smell, the fogginess and the sickness of it all, i got you out. maybe i needed to escape the place more than you did since i did cause an absolute scene with horrified looks my way but again i did not give a single shit. "i don't know why you did that but... thank you".

"no problem, he was a douchebag and he deserved it." i said as i remembered that horrified look on you and that was enough to get me mad. the tension was growing again like i did the last time i saw you where all hell broke loose. i did not expect this to be easy, for a conversation to just flow so i just grabbed my pack of cigarettes from my pocket and looked for the lighter. "ah fuck, can't believe i forgot it."

"your lighter? how does this always happen to you?" you said as you chuckled at my clumsiness and reached in your pocket to find your lighter, using it to light up my cig. as soon as you did, you looked me in the eye and grabbed my hand like i did just before. "let's go somewhere else before someone from security finds you dumbass".

i didn't even think about that as we started to walk away, the night still young as i blew the smoke to the cold air. you were tangling your hand with mine and god did it feel so right. i couldn't explain the feeling of being this close again with you but i didn't want anything else right at this moment. it was so wrong to savor the moment while i could right? i knew we wouldn't be together after tonight. you would go home and i would go "home" as i did not like calling it that anymore 'cause you weren't there anymore.

"what have you been up to?" i ask like i don't stalk your social media every day and hope that you come back like a fool. 

"just the usual, tried to get away from the busy college life to end up here." you said sighing and stealing my cigarette, if it was anybody else i would've been mad but if it's you i would give you everything i own. "i hope you've been good, did you finish your album?"

right the one that now is all break up songs 'cause the lovey-dovey ones feel to happy and i'm not content with my life at all. that album...

"i think i'll wait a bit to release it, i'm working on a mixtape to let all my thoughts and feelings out." i said honestly and sadly. man the last thing that i wanted was pity but you could see how miserable i was just by seeing me from a far view. you just nodded and we kept on walking through the park we used to go, you tried to read your books and i played guitar for you to concentrate. it was our own little world and our way to go around things. god remembering hurt but seeing you by my side, it's like you numbed the pain away. "i missed you."

why the fuck did i say that? why did you laugh? it wasn't your usual laugh though, it sounded like a little broken chuckle that you couldn't control. 

"i would be lying if i said that i didn't miss you channie." you said, giving me a tiny smile and for the first time in months, i genuinely smiled back. "it's been really hard without you and i can't say i'm doing super well."

"honestly same." i said as i sat down in a bench and looked up. many city lights flowing but none of them compared to the stars above in the sky. and then again none of them shined as bright as (y/n). you sat down next to me as i looked up and then you did the same. laying your head on my shoulder as we once again held each other's hand. nothing could be better than this even if i became the biggest artist on earth, nothing would compare to the feeling that it is to be with you. "i just... i wish i could go back in time sometimes."

"what would you do?" you asked curiously and i just shrugged like it was obvious. "come on! i wanna hear it chris and maybe i'll let you know if i would do the same."

"i would spend more time with you than ever and appreciate that i had you, that there's nothing better than being with you and knowing that you're mine. i would want to cherish you, love you, accept who you are and not make you feel like the things you're doing or feeling are invalid. i wish i could go back just to say i love you once more and that i could not live without you because it's true, i have not been functioning without you by my side. i wanted to go out and forget you, yet here i am once again being reminded that falling in love with you is the best thing that ever happened to me." 

no words were spoken but the silence was comforting. i needed to let my emotions out, to let you know how i actually feel and not the angry words that i used that night against you. i wanted you to know this for the longest time and here we are once again.

"i could never hate you or forget you even if i tried to. even if i wanted to just do that, my heart will always belong to you and seeing you again, saving me from that creep as cliche as it is, made me realize that you're always gonna be the one to have my back, to defend me, to save me. i don't wanna be without you channie, i love you more than words can describe." you said slowly and softly, every word hitting me and making me realize that we both been fools when we decided to drift apart. trying to get back on my feet when all i needed was you and all you needed was me just makes me know that this is the moment and we should take it.

again the silence was there but this time i leaned in closer and so did you. i cut it off with a simple and light kiss but it suddenly turned desperate as the night shined and we both lost ourselves in the moment. i did not want to drift away from you, i did not want to let you go again but you broke the kiss immediately as you looked at me and laughed, i couldn't help but smile again genuinely.

"take me back?" you asked and i just shook my head because i should be the one asking you that, not you. "i know you wanted to be the one to ask but i did things wrong too channie and i broke us off."

"(y/n)... there's nothing i want more than to have you back."

and then i sealed it again with another kiss.

[mcflymemes]

PROMPTS FROM HITMAN 3 *  assorted dialogue from the video game, adjust as necessary

eliminate them, and the war would be over.

look closer.

no one is untouchable.

i don't suppose there's any point calling for help.

people aren't meant to be controlled.

this... is a kindness.

it's good to be back.

that's not who i am anymore.

you're making a mistake!

this is what it means to lose everything.

whatever your plan is... i'll help you if i can.

you're sure about this?

and yet... here you are.

seems i brought this on myself.

it began here... and it ends here. talk about poetic.

if that's your winning face, i'd hate to see you lose.

happy hunting.

this is not how people work.

i choose this path because i can.

see you on the other side.

please join me in the real world.

it's a secret passage.

there will always be people like them, so there will always be people like us.

we've got a plane to catch.

get me a drink. a strong one.

i trust you already know what this is.

the ceremony is well underway.

they are already in position and ready to assist.

come in, [name], do you copy?

it's a list of the possible suspects.

soon, this will be over.

maybe it's time to think about the future.

i'd rather be here supporting you.

oh, i'm sure you can handle it. that's what i pay you for.

are you in position?

look... you don't have to follow them, you know.

i'm heading towards the point of entry.

right. this is our moment, [name].

today... we return the favor.

the plan stays the same.

i see someone got his memory back.

wait, is that a beacon?

hey, it's me. sorry to wake you up.

we're not the ones who let him escape.

come on, let's walk. need to tell you a bit about what i expect from you.

what the hell?

we'll keep track of her. make sure she doesn't.

their quiet dominance endures to this day.

they likely suspect that we're coming.

i will infiltrate building controls and disable all electronic doors and elevators.

they are about to find they have nowhere left to run.

to it, we were just assets to use and throw away.

it never gave us a single thought... until now.

after decades in the shadows, we are fighting back.

much has been lost.

we are closer now than ever.

in their downfall, we lay the past to rest.

look towards the future.

we've been compromised.

power never dies. it only changes hands.

[name], it's time.

you know, i never planned this far ahead.

confirm target locations, over.

right. we have a situation.

i told you we could help each other, and i meant it.

they left the building... and i think i know why.

he persuaded one of the sailors into setting him free.

i can only assume they're rushing to contain the damage.

[name], what's the status?

get back to me when you're there.

at least i die knowing who i am.

embrace who you were always meant to be.

that... is a very dangerous problem for me.

i think i can override the controls from here.

i'm in position.

over here! cover me!

or what? you're gonna take us all on?

i've received more information about your situation.

once you've infiltrated it, get your bearings.

i'm sure there must be floor plans somewhere.

[name], we can't talk here.

why not simply take it?

did you notice anything out of the ordinary?

we need absolute focus on this one.

don't worry. they're not going anywhere.

how lovely to see so many friendly and familiar faces here today.

[sleepystrawberrybunny]

i feel like opening up about something that happened.. kinda ranty, pretty queer.

i'm following a course at uni called 'psychology for intercultural communication' and the main focus is prejudice studies (the irony of it all). my professor - she's not queer, she's cis and hetero - asked how come gen Z in particular feels the need to use and create so many different labels for their identity, especially queer people. she didn't use a judging or mocking tone, she had genuinely curiosity, more the spirit of a scholar who wants to understand a certain thing, you know? so that felt a bit reassuring.

no one responded in the beginning (we were like 50/60 people in total in that room). then a girl opened up about being poly - she's cis hetero though - and how she partecipated on a podcast with a queer friend and they talked about asexuality, something she didn't know existed. other people started to mumble, the professor and her assistant asked what it meant. they didn't know what asexual was, let alone aromantic or other more "obscure" identities.

as queer myself - currently identifying as demiromantic bisexual - my mind had instinctively started to form an answer to give from my point of view.. but then i got incredibly anxious to talk because, not only i have anxiety and even though i push myself to intervene when i feel the need to - not doing it and regretting it later feels worse most of the time - it's still hard, but how the situation got made me feel so alone.

even though i wasn't going to come out to the entire class - i'm a very private and reserved person in general, i prefer to keep these things to myself and my inner circle.. i also experienced bullying as a kid and as a teenager so there's trauma fear that comes with that as well - exposing myself got even scarier.

in my daily real life i'm very alone in my queer identity. i don't really know many queer people, i'm surrounded by people with a conforming identity, and those few queer i know i don't have a close enough bond with. sure, i have my group of close friends that are really accepting... but i don't have an explicitly queer safe net for my queer identity to run to and talk to about my feelings and experiences as a queer person that talks with other queer people who can understand and sympathise with me. i dream of that. of an heartstopper kind of thing.

i also realised how much i actually consume and live on the internet. for me all the words and definitions and labels felt so familiar and natural because of how used i am to come in contact with them daily through the internet, but it's not the same for the majority of people even of my own generation. it was kind of alienating realising of how much i've been living inside my own bubble.

if it wasn't for the internet, it very much probably would have take me a longer time to find out that my feelings, behaviour and experiences meant, in fact, being attracted to girls the same way i am to boys, and it wasn't just "how female friendships are". i was so confused and lonely in my feelings, but then internet showed me that it's something that's real and has a name, and that people like me exist out there.

in that class maybe there is someone like me, queer and with an answer to give but too scared to do it, who knows. and maybe one of us should have courageously opened up for us to find eachother. maybe it was a missed opportunity.

i'm writing this here and not only in my journal because i think i'm hoping for more queer people to answer and share their experiences, if they feel like it of course. i'm in need of feeling less alone i guess, even if it's through the internet again, but it's the only outlet i have for it atm.

(i should probably add that i live in a town in the countryside in italy, and currently it's not very easy for me to often reach bigger cities, so it's easier to get lonely)

[enha-hype]

maeumi & me - ch 26 : misunderstood

a/n : written part comes first. ignore timestamps in pictures as usual but not for the written part!

w.c. : around 2k oops

9:30 am.

You're in the midst of stealing another sneaky glance at Jungwon as he works when Heeseung arrives. He walks over to your table and flops down opposite to you, his annoyance evident in his sarcastic smile. You roll your eyes.

“Okay fineee, I lied about where I was. But I am doing my homework here as you can see!” You wave your worksheets at him. “It's just that Won has been bugging me to try the café's new Dalgona coffee and I was like, what’s so great about Dalgona right, I mean I can make it myself at home and he was like, no we add this special ingredient that makes it absolutely delightful and I was like.…” you trail off, realising you’re rambling and not really helping your case, judging by the look on your friend's face. You clear your throat. “Anyway, I had some time left since my first hour today was cancelled and I thought I might as well come here and get some coffee and finish my homework and I didn't tell you because I mean, you've already been bugging me non-stop since last night,”

“Well of course I have!You two almost kissed!!” he shrieks, drawing the attention of a table of friends nearby.

“Shhh, quiet down he's literally a few feet away! Also wait, you saw that?”

“Yuh huh! Why else do you think I've been losing my–”

“So you interrupted us on purpose?” Shit. Did you actually ask that out loud? You hadn’t meant to. “Actually no forget I said that–”

Heeseung’s eyebrows shoot up, an amused smile replacing his scowl. “Well, I–”

“Nuh uh I don't wanna hear it la la la la la la,” you plug your ears with your hands.

He shakes his head. “Y/n, come on. What are you doing? It's so obvious that you like Jungwon–”

“I don't like him! It's just that he's so nice to Maeumi and so sweet to me and– Ugh, hold on I'm getting a call. Hello?”

It's your classmate calling you up to remind you about the meeting for a group assignment. You promise her you’ll be there on time and hang up. You turn your focus back to Heeseung, who is leaning forward with his hands crossed on the table, looking at you with patient scepticism. You sigh - he’s right. What are you doing? Why are you trying to dismiss these feelings that are as clear as day? “I know that look.”

“What look?”

“The look that says you don't believe my bullshit.”

“Well you got something right at least.”

You put your head into your hands. “Fine. I like him, okay? Maybe a little too much. And yes I came here so I could see him again even though it’s barely been two hours since I saw him back at Jake’s place. And it's just. Ahhhh. I don't know, I've never liked anyone this way before and it feels so nice but also weird because it’s new and a little overwhelming sometimes and I just maybe need some time to come to terms with it before you guys all start freaking out,”

He nods and leans back in his seat, satisfied. “Okay.”

You look up at him in disbelief. “‘Okay’?? That's it???”

He laughs. “What, did you expect me to demand to know everything right now? Come on Y/n, give me some credit. I’m not that bad of a friend.”

“Debatable,” you tease, ducking as he reaches to hit you playfully. “Well no it’s not that. I just, I don’t know, expected a bigger reaction I guess?”

“You know you guys have not really been discreet or anything right? It’s kind of been a little too obvious the past few days. But I will say that I wasn’t expecting you guys to go in for a kiss last night right when I happened to walk in. Which is why I may have, uh, panicked a little and ended up switching on the light,” he flashes you a sheepish smile.

You shake your head, feeling your cheeks get hot as you think back to the moment. God, so close. If only you hadn't been interrupted... “You lil shit,”

“Wha– you just said it yourself, it’s weird! I’ve never seen you do ‘romancey’ stuff and you've always been so blehh about dating and relationships and now suddenly you can’t stop gushing about this guy and I don't know, it's like seeing your sibling kiss. Gross,” he cringes and you slap his hand.

“Ow! Also, where is Jungwon?”

9:06 am.

Jungwon has practically been vibrating all morning from the excitement of what happened last night. Well, of course nothing really happened, strictly speaking. Still, he was happy at the prospect of it. At the idea that he maybe has a chance with you after all. Like, he’s had a crush on you for so long, it seems unreal. He had almost fully accepted the fact that that was all it was ever going to be – a crush. And then things happened, and here he was. He bites the inside of his cheek, trying to keep himself from smiling. From the corner of his eye, he catches the weird looks his older co-barista, Taehyun, has been giving him.

The front door opens with a ding of the bell, indicating the arrival of another customer. Jungwon finishes serving the caffè mocha he was making just in time to greet the new one.

“Good morning, what–” he stops short when he looks up and sees that it’s you. He stutters and completely forgets what he meant to say and gives up halfway. From the way he’s grinning, even a passerby who chances to see him from the sidewalk outside could guess he’s head over heels. Taehyun recognises you immediately – he's only seen Jungwon behave like an idiot one other time, which was the first time you had come here a couple of weeks ago. Jungwon had immediately dropped everything he was doing and had all but run to you despite how busy the cafe had been that day, leaving the poor guy to deal with the growing line of customers all by himself. Although it had been a bit of an inconvenience, Taehyun didn't give him too much of a hard time about it because for one thing, it had been kind of cute to see him all flustered, and for another, Jungwon was someone who was usually pretty diligent with his work.

But here you are again. Cue Jungwon forgetting how to function like a normal human being.

“Hi,” Jungwon finally says, barely able to restrain the grin that he knows is a little too wide to be casual. “What are you doing here?”

You can't help but laugh. “You have got to stop greeting me like that every time I come here! Do you not like me visiting you at work?” You turn as if to leave, mostly to see how he'd react.

“No no wait sorry!” He reaches over and grabs your arm, planting it on the counter. “I just meant that if you were planning on coming here then we could've left together,” he drawls.

“Well, it was more of a last minute decision. Class got cancelled and I thought I'd just drop by and check out the new drink you were raving about. See what all the fuss is about,” you shrug nonchalantly, though the twinkle in your eyes betrays you. You're hyper-aware of the fact that his hand is ever-so-lightly brushing your forearm.

“Oh you’ll see alright,” he assures you, and with just a hint of nervousness seeping into the confidence, he enquires, “so, is that the only reason you're here?” He steals a quick glance at your lips, the pretty curve of them, before meeting your eyes again.

“Why else?” you ask, as though you have no idea what he could possibly be alluding to, although your hammering heart and the cheeky grin spreading across your face tell otherwise. Jungwon’s own giddy smile says he isn’t slow to catch on, either.

“I see. Strictly beverage purposes then.”

“Strictly,” you nod solemnly, suppressing your smile.

Taehyun clears his throat. “So, your order?”

You blink, suddenly remembering that you have an audience, and also that you're not just here to see Jungwon (well that's the story anyway). “Oh right, yes! Sorry. One Dalgona coffee, please.”

Jungwon flashes you an apologetic smile as he gets to work. “Sit wherever you'd like, your order will be ready in 10!”

Jungwon is so nervous about getting your order absolutely perfect that he messes up twice. Taehyun shakes his head, both amused and exasperated. When Jungwon starts to try for the third time, he stops him. “Gimme, I'll do it.” Jungwon mumbles a relieved thank you before internally chiding himself to get a grip. He can't continue to be such a mess every time you're around.

When he's done, Taehyun places the drink on the counter, ready to be served. He can see Jungwon open his mouth to say something and then change his mind and turn away. This happens again when he sees the waiter approaching and Taehyun rolls his eyes. “Oh my God, Jungwon, just go. I know you're itching to give it to them yourself,” he says, smiling despite himself.

Jungwon rubs the back of his neck, embarassed. “You sure?”

“Yeah yeah. We're not that busy yet it's fine. But just don't stay too long – you never know when our manager might drop by to check.”

He places the tray on the table in front of you, making sure to keep it as far away as possible from your books and worksheets so as to not ruin them.

“Ooo, what's this?” you ask, pointing to the ice cream sandwiches.

“Just little complementary treats.”

He watches you take the first sip and sees your eyes widen. “Oh, my God. This is a-mazing! What do you put in it?!”

“Well, it’s called a secret ingredient for a reason,” he beams. If he keeps being this cute you feel like one of these days you might just let your intrusive thoughts win and reach out to poke a finger into his adorable dimples. “Alright well enjoy the rest of it. I'm afraid I gotta get back,”

As he walks back, Jungwon finds that he's kind of glad the kiss didn't happen last night – he would like to properly ask you out first. How should he do it? Maybe he should keep it sweet and simple, make you a latte heart or something. Yeah, maybe you’d like that. And what should your first date be? Something cliché like a movie or dinner date? Or something unique? Ahh, he doesn’t know. If it were up to him, he’d just be content to have you over and do what you used to do before he started the internship. He doesn't care what you do as long as you are together.

9:32 am.

Jungwon steals a glance at your table and is surprised to find Heeseung with you. Huh. Guess you two had plans to meet up here. He waits as he serves two other customers to see if Heeseung would come to order anything for himself. When he doesn’t, Jungwon decides to go over himself and say hi.

As he approaches, he notices that you two seem to be deep in conversation, talking animatedly, and he slows, wondering if he should maybe come back after a while. Bits of the conversation float up to him right then and he freezes :

“It's so obvious that you like Jungwon–”

“I don't like him! It's just that he's so nice to Maeumi and so sweet to me and– Ugh, hold on I'm getting a call. Hello?”

Oh.

Right.

Of course.

It suddenly feels like someone just sucked all the sunlight out of the room. Jungwon turns right around, relieved that neither of you noticed him approaching. Taehyun looks up from scrolling through his phone when Jungwon rushes back to the counter. He yanks his apron off, hangs it up hastily and grabs his things to leave.

“Wha–” Taehyun starts to ask but Jungwon cuts him off.

“Something came up. I have to go,” he apologises for the short notice and is out the door before the latter even has a chance to reply.

a/n : please tell me at least one of y'all noticed the foreshadowing from profiles 2 🙏🏽

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[adviceformefromme]

Heyy! I love ur blog it’s so amazing and helpful, I love it!

So erm I kind of have a problem that I’d love to hear your thoughts on:

So I keep feeling super left out in my friend group for a while now and I don't understand what I'm doing wrong!

I'm loyal, kind, smart, funny, generous, "pretty" (not to sound vain but I'm not that ugly), and caring! l'd do anything for people I care about and yet still I just don't get why i can't be treated the same way :/

It's so upsetting and I hate it so much I just hate it. I'm doing everything right! I'm not rude at all and I just don't get why I can't be liked and appreciated and WANTED the same way everyone else is

I know that the advice for this would probably be to

"stop seeking external validation" or "just love yourself» but I do love myself! I hate that I'm treated this way and I hate that it's bothering me!!

I just don't get what I'm doing wrong or what I should do:/

I'm forever grateful to you for your time for answering this, thankyou so much 🩷🩷

Hey Sweetie,

thank you for the kind words and sharing this. Completely valid that this is bothering you. Your friends are the family you choose, so why are you choosing people who don't choose you ? Friendships should add to your life not take away. As hard as this may seem, I would definitely consider finding some new friends. Not to cut off your current ones, but just so the focus is less on the current group. So you are choosing to nurture relationships that add to your life not subtract. Navigating new friends can seem challenging.

1] Set the intention to make some new friends. Say out loud I am calling in new friendships that feel good and nourish me. Keep repeating this or something that is similar that makes sense to you, so you put energy into the world of what you want to call in.

2] Get some new hobbies and passions. Do things alone away from your friends, maybe its a fitness class, a foreign lanugage class, painting, swimming, horse riding. Just something away from friends. Depending on age / circumstances the above might be hard but pouring yourself into something you love will give you a distraction from your friendship groups.

3] Learn to lean back. When you are constantly leaning forward asking people, expecting, wanting, needing it puts alot of pressure on the friendship and that is because it is meant to FLOW. I have a friend who would almost beg me to meet up. It was overwhelming. Not at all saying this is you, but the example here is to show that its okay to lean back, let people come to you.

4] Remember that your people will feel like home. It will feel natural, it will feel like happiness, comfort. Whatever you are not getting from your current friends is available from others if you ALLOW. There needs to be space in your life to receive aligned friendships. If your life is full with these draining friends how and where is the space for the new? Create some space and see what comes forward.

xoxoxo