#maybe i will make a lil thing to celebrate. but in the meantime i love y'all | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

farfromtommy · 4 years ago

Text

All I Need Is You

not my gif

PLEASE READ WARNINGS AND AUTHORS NOTE

THIS PIECE CONTAINS POSSIBLE TRIGGERING CONTENT FOR READERS

word count: approx. 6800

warnings: TW: talk of miscarriage there is talk of blood if is an uncomfortable topic for you please please do not read. it is not graphic and not in extreme detail but it is there, angst, language, talk of sex and unprotected sex (no smut but it gets a lil spicy), childbirth and breastfeeding, fluffly fluff throughout

summary: tom wants kids, y/n doesn’t, but that’s okay. but after the birth of their godson and after meeting y/n’s best friend’s new baby, something changed.

a/n: this story does contain mild descriptions of blood and miscarriage, but is not the main plot to the story. i have never gone through one personally, but i did research and used some prior knowledge while writing this. please know that i mean absolutely no disrespect to anyone who has had a miscarriage or been affected in any way. if this story offends anyone in anyway, please let me know and i will take it down. this is all a work of fiction. this does contain possible triggering content and i will be putting a warning during the part and after. i will be linking some resources available for anyone who has had a miscarriage or is being affected by one in anyway. you are not alone.

The topic of kids and when you were going to have them was not unfamiliar to you and Tom. You had been together since you were both 18 and now engaged at 23. You and Tom have been giving people the same answers whenever they asked when you were having kids for years. “We’re not ready to have kids yet” or “It’s not a priority for us at the moment”

You knew Tom had had an itch of baby fever for a while and he had expressed his desire to become a father in the future, but only when you’re ready to become a mother, but you weren’t sure if you were ever going to be.

About 6 months after your engagement, his parents had managed to get everyone under the same roof at the same time for dinner and had bombarded you with comments and questions about when they were to expect a grandbaby. They had been hearing your reasons for not having had kids yet for years and weren’t accepting those answers anymore. Tom told them that you were both focusing on planning the wedding and would visit the topic after if the timing was right.

The timing would never be right, Tom felt. He had asked you a few times about the possibility of having a baby in the future and he only ever managed to get short answers out of you and then the topic was dismissed. Harry and Sam asked him about it privately and Tom expressed his concerns to them about your seeming lack of interest in even having a conversation about it. They encouraged him to sit you down and talk it out like adults. With the wedding planning starting to pick up, he knew this conversation had to happen to make sure you were both on the same page.

~~~

After his conversation with his brothers, Tom had finally worked up the courage to approach you about the baby talk and was going to put his foot down and not let you dismiss it.

“Darling, can we talk about something?” Tom asked one night as you were pulling back the sheets to get into bed. You had crawled onto your side of the bed and set your phone on the nightstand to give him your undivided attention.

“Yeah, baby, of course. What’s on your mind?” You said softly, leaning back against the headboard. Tom sat across from you on the foot of the bed with his legs crossed, leaning back on his hands. He took a deep breath and collected his thoughts before speaking.

“We have talked briefly about this a few times before, but we’ve never sat down and talked about it, and I think it's past time we did. Do you want kids?” He asked bluntly and looked you in the eyes. He saw your demeanor change just slightly when your eyes widened a bit. You looked down at your hands and wrung them nervously trying to find your words.

“I know I keep avoiding the topic, and I’m sorry. But if I’m being honest, I don’t think so. I’ve never been able to see myself as a mother and having a big family and all that. I thought that maybe when we got engaged and bought this house that I would change my mind and feel different, but I don’t.” You whispered the last part and kept your eyes on your hands.

“I’m so so sorry, Tom. I know that you want a family and kids but I don’t know if I can do it. Everything about pregnancy and becoming a mother scares the ever-loving shit out of me and I send myself into a panic attack at the thought. That’s why I’m so dismissive about it. I’m sorry. If you want to leave, I understand.” You let the tears fall down your face, trying to keep your voice even.

You felt the bed shift a little and you shut your eyes to keep the tears back, assuming Tom was getting up to leave. You flinched when you felt his hand on your face and his lips on the top of your head. You felt him press his body against your side and you leaned against him and let a few tears fall.

“Y/N, darling, listen to me. It’s okay, my love. I’m not mad or upset with you at all, and I’m not going to leave you. You don’t have to change your mind or feel differently about kids if that’s how you feel. I didn’t propose to you just so we could have babies, I’m marrying you to spend the rest of my life with you. I'm okay with it just being us. I just want to spend every day of my life loving you, that’s enough for me. I don’t need anything or anyone else to make me happy. All I need is you.” Tom said to you. He rubbed your back soothingly trying to calm the quiet sobs that were escaping your mouth.

“I don’t want you to hate me in 50 years and look back at all the things I couldn’t give you, or regret not marrying someone who would’ve given you kids.” You whispered into his chest.

“I’m never going to regret marrying you, I promise you that. In 50 years we’ll look back at the most amazing life we had together and cherish all the memories we made, not look back and think of what could’ve been.” He cupped your cheeks in his hand and wiped the thick tears falling down your face.

He was able to get you to calm down after a few minutes and crawled under the sheets with you. He laid down on his back and pulled you close to him with your head on his chest and one arm wrapped around your shoulders and the other rubbing your arm.

“I love you so much, Tommy. I don’t know what I did in this life to deserve you.” You mumbled against the skin of his bare chest. He kissed the top of your head again and let his cheek rest against it as he whispered ‘I love you so much more’ and pulled you closer.

~~~

Tom managed to get everyone to cool it with the baby talk. You didn’t know what he said to his parents to get them to chill out a bit, but whatever he said worked. With the weight lifted off of both your shoulders, the wedding was the only thing on your mind.

It couldn’t have gone more perfectly. The day you and Tom had been planning for almost a year and the day you had been waiting for, honestly, since the day you met him. He looked incredible in his crisp black tux with his brothers and best friend standing right next to him.

The ceremony had everyone, including you and Tom, in tears. From the words the officiant spoke to the vows that were exchanged and then the moment you were pronounced man and wife, there was not one dry eye. After all the emotions you felt after the ceremony, you were beyond excited to celebrate with friends and family at the reception.

You sat at the table reserved for you and Tom and all of the bridesmaids and groomsmen just watching the joy bubble out of everyone in front of you. Tom was standing on the edge of the dance floor with a beer in his hand talking to a few of the people he had worked with over the years and that he hadn’t had a chance to catch up with. You were nursing a glass of champagne while you talked to one of your bridesmaids about the honeymoon you were leaving for in a few days.

One of Tom’s cousins had approached you and sat in a chair next to you to share her excitement with you over the whole day. Her husband had approached her with their 7-month-old son, Lucas, saying that he was getting a bit fussy. She gladly took her son and rested him in her lap, letting him play with the jewelry on her wrists and fingers.

Lucas had started to get a bit antsy again and Tom’s cousin had started to get up in search of her husband to try and get a bottle for the little boy. You had offered to hold him while she looked for him and try to keep him happy and occupied in the meantime. She graciously passed him over to you and you assured her that it was no problem.

He was a little distressed at the sight of his mother walking away, so you stood up and held him close to you as you walked around and talked to him a bit. He distracted himself with the necklace resting on your neck and wrapped his tiny fingers around it and stuck it in his mouth. You laughed to yourself at the boy and kept whispering things to him. One of your friends had approached you and pointed out how content Lucas seemed in your arms. She stood there with you making noises and faces at the boy to make him laugh and he responded to it with a gummy smile and buried his face in your chest.

Tom had been wrapped up in a conversation with his friends and hadn’t noticed you standing with the baby in your arms. Nikki walked up behind him and rested her hand on Tom’s shoulder, grabbing his attention. Tom quickly excused himself from his friends and let his mom pull him away. She turned him so he was facing you and got close and pointed to you standing with his cousin, with the laughing baby in your arms.

“She’s really good with him. I don’t think that little boy has ever been that happy in the arms of anyone besides his mother. Look at the smiles on both of their faces.” Nikki said fondly, watching you interact with the baby. Tom mumbled a quiet ‘Yeah, she is’ and kept his eyes glued on you. Your smile and laugh were infectious and he found himself mirroring the joy you had plastered on your face.

“I didn’t want kids when your dad and I first met. It wasn’t until right before we got married that I had told him that I wanted to have a family with him. Let her bring it up to you and if she decides it's something she wants, she’ll let you know.” She looked over at Tom to see him looking at you like you hung the moon and stars.

Tom quickly set his beer down and made his way over to you. He greeted his cousin and hugged her before taking his spot next to you. His hand went to your lower back while he gave the other to Lucas. Tom wiggled his fingers which elicited a laugh from the baby, making you smile and laugh. He stood there for a few minutes chatting with his cousin and her husband about the baby and how he was taken with you.

Lucas ended up falling asleep in your arms with his head resting in the crook of your neck and his fingers wrapped around your necklace. You were sad to let go of Lucas but admired the way the corner of his mouth twitched into a smile when you passed him over to his father. You bid your goodbyes to the baby and his parents and grabbed Tom’s hand to pull him into a kiss.

~~~

After a year or so of being married, Tom had started to notice something different about you. He had picked up on the way you walked a little slower past the baby section whenever you went to the store together and always pointed out what you thought was exceptionally adorable. He noticed the way you looked longingly at the toddlers running around the park when you would take Tessa on walks together. When your best friend from university had brought her newborn daughter around to your place was when everything had finally started to click, for both of you.

The words Nikki had said to him at the wedding echoed in his mind. He needed to let you come to him about it. The last thing he wanted was to pressure you into talking about something you weren’t ready for.

“I’m so happy for Megan. She’s been dreaming about having a daughter, I swear since I met her. She was always talking about how badly she wanted to be a mom and couldn’t wait to have kids.” You said to Tom once you had both crawled into bed. He rested against the headboard with his laptop resting on his thighs. He looked over at you when you pulled back the comforter and got into bed next to him.

“She seems happy. Even when she was talking about not having gotten a wink of sleep in the past 3 weeks, she said it with a smile and love.” Tom chuckled to himself, turning his attention back to what he was working on. You hummed in agreement and grabbed the book off your nightstand. You found yourself unable to focus on the words in front of you and kept rereading the same few words over and over again.

Your mind kept going back to the afternoon you spent with Megan and her daughter and how happy you were to see your friend so happy. You’d be lying if you said you hadn’t been imagining you and Tom with that sort of happiness. The past year has been the best in your life. Tom had been traveling so much for work and you went with him wherever he went. Traveling the world and seeing your husband live his dream made you happy beyond belief. But you still felt like there was something more that you longed for.

“Oh, I don’t think I told you. My cousin sent me a message earlier today, she’s pregnant again! I think she said she’s about 20 weeks and having a gender reveal next week, and wants us to be there. I told her I’d talk to you about it.” Tom said while he opened up his messages and let you read the texts for yourself.

“Wow! That’s so amazing. Lucas is gonna be a great big brother. I don’t think we have anything going on, we should definitely go.” You handed Tom’s phone back to him and pulled yours out to send her a message.

A twinge of jealousy panged in your gut. Why did you feel like this? You had never felt jealous of your friends and family when they had gotten pregnant before. It was only good news whenever you found out. Did you wish it was you? Maybe this was your heart telling you that this was something you wanted. Maybe-

“Darling? You okay?” Tom’s voice pulled you out of your thoughts and your eyes focused on your phone in your hand. You looked over at Tom and saw the concern in his eyes.

“Yeah, yeah. I got lost in thought for a second, I guess.” You brushed it off and kept typing the message.

~~~

You stared at the positive pregnancy tests with a mix of emotions. One part of you was freaking out at the thought of being pregnant. All the fears you had about pregnancy and motherhood rearing their ugly heads right at the front of your mind. It wasn’t just an ‘IF I got pregnant’ fear, it was an ‘oh my god I’m pregnant and it’s going to happen’ fear. It wasn’t just imagining what would happen anymore, it was actually happening.

The other part of you felt an indescribable amount of joy and excitement. Your mind immediately went to Tom and how over the moon he would be at the news. Imagining what a perfect father he would be to your baby had your heart bursting and your whole body buzzing. He’s the most perfect person to raise a child with.

The fears of parenthood and of becoming a mother tried to cloud your mind again, but you were too excited about telling Tom to care. A few minutes later you walked into the living room with the tests in your hand, looking for Tom. You heard him in the kitchen fixing up some lunch and singing along to the music coming out of his phone.

“Darling what do you want on your sandwich? I’ve got the things you usually take, you just want everything?” Tom said when he heard your footsteps from down the hall get closer to where he was.

“Yeah, everything is good. Um, I need to tell you something though, before we eat.” Tom’s head looked up at you, his eyes filled with worry and a bit of curiosity. He set down the knife he had in his hand and leaned against the counter, waiting for you to talk.

“Uh so. The past couple of weeks or so I’ve been feeling super off and just really not like myself. I think I mentioned to you that I was feeling weird and we chalked it off as maybe I was getting sick or my period was just gonna hit like a bitch this month.” You looked down at the stick in your hand and looked back up at Tom, his eyes not having left your face. “I- I, uh, I went to log my symptoms into my period tracking app and when I did, it said that my period was almost a week late and that even though there were a bunch of possible causes… the one that stood out was pregnancy.” You looked back up at Tom and his eyebrows were furrowed and you could see the worry lines across his forehead.

“Y/N?” He whispered as he stepped closer to you and placed a hand on your hip, quietly urging you to continue. You took a deep breath and opened up your hand to show him the white and blue stick resting in your palm.

“I’m pregnant, Tommy. I got a couple of tests this morning while you were at the gym and I just took them. They’re all positive.” He carefully picked up the plastic stick like it was made of glass and looked at the little screen with the words ‘pregnant’ across it. You felt the emotion well up in your chest when he brought his hand up to his mouth and heard him choke back a breath.

“Oh my god. You’re not messing with me, right? This is for real?” He looked up at you with tears pooling in his lower lash line. All you could do was muster up a nod before the tears fell from both of your eyes.

Tom wrapped his arms around you and lifted you slightly off the ground, twirling you around the kitchen while he laughed and cried in joy. You giggled at his actions and kept your arms wrapped around his neck, the tears still falling from your eyes. He set you down after a few moments passed and cupped your face in his hands. He saw the emotions written all across your face, all he could see was happiness and excitement.

“This is a good thing, right?” he wiped a few stray tears off of your cheeks with his thumbs and tilted his head a little bit.

“Yeah, this is a really good thing. I know my feelings were different before but I don’t know, I guess something changed.” You smiled a bit thinking back on the last couple of months of feeling like this.

It had started with your friend from college introducing you to her daughter and asking you and Tom to babysit when she needed one. When Tom’s cousin had their 2nd son, they had asked you and Tom to be the godparents to baby James. You and Tom were over the moon excited to accept and to be there for the christening of your godson.

Tom couldn’t find the words to say and just pulled you in for another bone-breaking hug. You stood in the kitchen with him, your lunch long forgotten, just hugging each other. You could feel the love pour out from your bodies and to each other, everything was as perfect as it could be.

You set up an appointment with your gynecologist as soon as you could, anxious to confirm your pregnancy with them and maybe be able to see the beginning stages of your little one growing in your tummy. Tom had insisted he take a day off of work to go with you. He had declared that he was not going to let work or anything get in the way of him supporting you through this.

He had heard so many stories from people he’s worked with about them missing the birth of their children because of work and strict filming schedules. Or that their spouse has been left at home the entire pregnancy, sometimes with other children too, and they were only able to get a week off for the birth and then head back to work.

Tom swore to you before you got married that he would never prioritize work over his life with you. He had never missed spending a birthday, an anniversary, or a holiday with you. He sure as hell wasn’t about to miss witnessing the miracle of your pregnancy.

The appointment went as perfectly and smoothly as it could’ve gone. You were still in the very early stages of your first trimester, only about 7 weeks pregnant. Your doctor had said that it was possible to hear the heartbeat already and spent a little time searching for it.

After a few seconds had passed a whooshing sound had filled the room and the doctor smiled at you when your eyes shot over to Tom. He had wrapped one of your hands in both of his and kissed your knuckles, letting tears slip out at the sound of his baby’s heartbeat.

There wasn’t much to see on the sonogram. Your doctor had pointed out the grainy blob on the picture that was indeed your baby. You couldn’t stop staring at the little grey blob that was changing your life.

“So I think we should hold off on telling everyone until I’m a little farther along, you know, just in case. The nurse said miscarriages are common during the first trimester and we gotta be really careful. I’m okay with telling your mom, I think it’ll be good to have her support and be able to ask her things. But we should hold off on a big announcement until I’m at least 16 weeks.” You said in the car on your way back home after the appointment.

“Yeah of course. Dad is taking me and the boys golfing next week, so mum will probably ask you to lunch or something. You can tell her then or we can do it together another day, whatever you prefer. You’re the boss, mummy. Whatever you say, goes.” He quickly glanced over at you with a big smile on his face before putting his eyes back on the road.

Your face split into a huge grin at the name before placing your hands on your stomach. Tom rested one of his hands on top of yours and kept it there the whole way home.

~~~

*SENSITIVE CONTENT AHEAD*

No one could have warned you about the overwhelming heartache you could feel during pregnancy. You thought it would be smooth sailing into your second trimester and you’d finally be able to share with everyone the joy of a new baby coming into the world.

Your doctor had made you aware of the possibility of having a miscarriage at the beginning of your pregnancy, not to scare you, but just so you were aware. 10-15% of all pregnancies resulted in miscarriages, 80% of them happening in the first trimester due to a multitude of reasons. She said to take care of yourself and to do everything in your power to keep yourself and your baby as healthy as could be.

You had done everything by the books.

You ate a well-balanced diet, cutting out everything your doctor had advised you to avoid. You had started joining Tom at the gym more regularly and did a bit of yoga at home, just to keep yourself in shape, but never overexerting yourself. Cutting out alcohol had been a no brainer, even Tom said he wouldn’t drink if you couldn’t. You, unfortunately, had to cut down majorly on your caffeine intake, which left you irritable and cranky most mornings. But it was all for the wellbeing of your baby, which made it all oh so worth it.

Nikki found out about your pregnancy when she had asked you to lunch while the Holland boys were golfing for the day. You had shown her the sonogram and she gasped in shock at the picture in front of her. Your name was printed across the top of it, so she knew it was yours. She had been sworn to secrecy when you told her that only you, her, and Tom knew and that you were keeping it a secret until about 16 weeks.

She was the first person you called when you were sitting at home by yourself when you had started to feel a cramping sort of pain along your abdomen and stretching into your back. Your doctor had said that cramping was normal but if it was accompanied by period-like bleeding, to call immediately. You stretched out a bit on the couch to try and get the pain to pass but when it didn’t, you picked up the phone and called Nikki.

Her tone of voice stayed calm as you explained what you were feeling and where you were feeling it. She had dropped everything and said she’d be there as soon as she could be and to relax, everything was going to be okay. You had advised against her wish of calling Tom, for the time being, he was in the city for meetings and some press events all day and you didn’t want to bother him if it was nothing.

In no more than 20 minutes you were sitting next to her on the couch as you told her in more detail about the discomfort along your abdomen. She had suggested you get up and go to the bathroom just to be sure there wasn’t any bleeding. You gave her a nervous glance and she assured you it was going to be okay, she just wanted to be sure.

Standing up from the couch the pain had started to shift into your pelvis and deepen in your abdomen. You had asked for her to help you to the bathroom and to stay with you, just in case. She said ‘of course’ and led you to the nearest toilet to the living room. You could feel your heartbeat in your ears as you neared the bathroom, praying that this was nothing and just one of those pregnancy things.

Nikki had respectfully turned around after you unbuttoned your jeans and started to sit. You pulled your underwear down with your pants and took a deep breath before glancing down and seeing the mess on the inside of your underwear. Your heart dropped down to your gut seeing the bright red blood staining the fabric and sticking to the inside of your thighs. A quiet ‘oh no’ left your mouth as you just stared down. Nikki turned around hearing you talk and saw what was happening. She mumbled something you couldn’t hear before she opened the door and headed towards your room.

You could hear the opening and shutting of drawers in the distance and the shuffling of her feet back into the bathroom. She set a pair of fresh underwear and a pair of sweatpants on the counter next to you before opening the cabinets under the sink in search of a pad. She placed everything next to you and asked you to change so she could drive you to the hospital. You nodded slowly and she left the bathroom quietly.

~~~

The next couple of months were difficult, but having the support of Tom made it just a little bit easier. He held you when all you could do was cry and told you that it was going to be okay. He was going to be there every step of the way. He rubbed your back and held you close anytime you needed it and gave you your space when you asked for it.

He made sure to listen to you deeply when you talked about it. He assured you, along with your doctor, that it wasn’t your fault. There was nothing you could’ve done differently to stop this. It was just a freak thing and is unfortunately a common occurrence. He let you air out your frustrations and fears openly and told you that you weren’t alone. He shared some of the same fears that you did and helped you feel not crazy about having these big feelings.

You helped each other begin the process of healing and coming to terms with what had happened. It took time for you both to talk about it without being overwhelmed with grief and sadness, but it happened. You were able to share what had happened with close friends and family and feel okay about sharing your story. The amount of support and love you got from everyone made it that much easier to take another step forward in healing.

You learned that some of the people closest to you had gone through the same pain in the past, but had never shared it. You felt comfort in knowing that you weren’t alone and that your doctor wasn’t saying that miscarriages were common just to make you feel better. People you knew and had deep relationships with had gone through the same thing, it wasn’t just you and Tom. You weren’t alone in your suffering and pain. It was okay to feel sad about the loss of someone you hadn’t met or that wasn’t really a someone yet. It’s okay to grieve and feel the feelings you have about the loss.

Tom and Nikki had had another conversation about you approaching him about having a baby, much like they did on the night of your wedding. It had been almost a year since the miscarriage, and he wanted to know where you stood on having a baby again. He didn’t want to rush or push you at all. Nikki assured him that when you were ready, you would let him know.

You had started to do the slow walk past the baby section in the store again. After the miscarriage, you had avoided it as much as possible. You pointed out cute onesies and toys any time you saw them. The sadness in the longing looks you had at the sight of toddlers in the parks had changed to happiness and joy.

You told him you didn’t want to have sex after you miscarried, and he completely understood. There was no resentment towards you when you would stop a makeout session when it got too heated and he would get up and take care of himself in the bathroom or take a cold shower. About 6 months after, you insisted that he wear a condom and pulled out before he came, even with the condom on. Just to be safe.

Your sex life with Tom had started to spark again and was getting back to how it was before the miscarriage. You were okay if he came inside you, but still with the condom on. That's how it had been until one night you and Tom were enjoying a date night at home together, and both had a little too much wine. You were about a bottle and a half into your favorite red wine, both of you way well on your way to being wine drunk.

Date night had moved from the dining room to the couch after the 2nd bottle of wine was finished. Tom was sitting with his back against the armrest, one leg stretched out in front of him with the other planted on the floor. Your knees were digging into the cushion beneath them on either side of Tom’s leg. His fingers dug into the flesh of your hips, pulling you impossibly close to his body. His lips attacked yours with pure lust and passion. He pulled back hesitantly before attacking your neck with his mouth, nipping and biting before soothing the abused skin with his tongue.

“Tom, wait.” You breathed out, placing your hands against his chest to push him back. He looked up at you with concern and kiss swollen lips.

“What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” He asked quickly, his eyes scanning your face to make sure you were okay. You pulled back a little to put a little space between you and Tom. You shut your eyes and took a deep breath before talking.

“No, you didn’t. I just- hold on. I’ve uh, I’ve been thinking a lot the past few week about maybe us trying for another baby.” You managed to get out. The alcohol was making everything a bit fuzzy but gave you the ability to speak your mind.

“Yeah? You’re ready for that?” Tom’s eyes softened as he pushed some of your hair out of your face and rested one of his hands against the side of your neck

“It’s been almost a year, you know? I talked to my gyno at my appointment last week and she said that there’s no reason we can’t try again. It was a freak thing, and there was nothing we could’ve done differently to change what happened. I’m ready if you’re ready. I want to start a family with you, so bad.” Tom couldn’t find the words to respond to your declaration. All he did was smile so hard his cheeks hurt and pull you close to him again.

~~~

“Push Y/N! Just a few more big pushes and your baby will be here.” Your doctor said from the end of the hospital bed you were in. All you could feel was the pain ripping through your whole body because of the human trying to make their way into the world.

You could feel the cold towel pressed against the back of your neck and the tickle of air flowing into your nose. There was a nurse on one side of you pulling one of your legs back and Tom on the other side pulling the other. He had his other hand on top of your head pushing back the strands of hair getting stuck on the sweat of your forehead.

“You’re so close, lovey. I’m so fucking proud of you baby. You’ve got this. You’re so close.” Tom chanted into your ear while pressing small kisses to your temple. All you did was grit your teeth and push as hard as you could.

There was a sudden release of relief from your body, and you felt like the wind was knocked out of your whole body. You collapsed on the pillow behind you and managed to pry your eyes open. In front of you was a baby covered in bodily fluids and screaming their absolute heart out. Your hospital gown was slipped open as the nurses helped situate the baby onto your bare chest. The hands you had gripping the sheets below you flew to the baby’s back and you choked out a sob of relief.

“You did it Y/N, you fucking did it. Oh my god, she’s so perfect, you’re so perfect.” Tom managed to get out before breaking down into tears. He placed a hand on top of the baby’s head, not caring about the mess. You looked over at him and he pressed a kiss right on your lips and rested his forehead against yours before you both looked at the baby on your chest.

The doctor had asked Tom if he wanted to cut the cord and he stumbled over himself to do it. Some of the nurses had cleaned up the baby while she was still resting on your bare skin so you could get a better look at her.

“It’s a girl, Tommy. We have a daughter.” You looked over at Tom. He had pulled his phone out and took the first picture of his wife and daughter together.

“The most perfect girl in the world. Just like her perfect mummy.” Tom said with tears still falling down his face. Your doctor congratulated you and Tom before leaving the room after you were stitched up and okay to get back into a normal position on the bed.

A nurse had taken the baby to the other side of the room to get her cleaned up completely and take her weight and measurements. Tom stood close to make sure his little girl was okay. You watched from your bed with heavy eyes, your whole body begging you to rest after almost 24 hours of labor. After the baby was cleaned up, she had a diaper put on her and wrapped in the regular hospital baby blanket. She was carefully handed to Tom before he made his way back to your bed.

You had gotten as comfortable in the bed as you could and were so grateful for whoever had invented epidurals and pain medication. Tom sat on the edge of the bed and sat shoulder to shoulder with you with a leg resting on the bed and the other keeping him steady on the floor. All he could do was stare at the baby in his arms and think about how surreal this all was.

“Did you send that picture to your parents and the boys?” You whispered so you didn’t disturb her.

“Yeah right after I took it, I haven’t checked to see what they’ve said though. I’m sure they’re going crazy right now.” He chuckled and pressed a kiss to your temple. You leaned into him and shut your eyes for a second to just take in everything that was happening. Your eyes shot open when you heard a knock on the door and Tom said ‘come in’.

“Hi, Mrs. Holland. I’m Olivia, a lactation consultant. One of the delivery nurses said that you were wanting to breastfeed and sent me in here just to help you out since this is going to be the first time you’re breastfeeding. Mind if I interrupt for just a little bit?” A woman not much older than you came in and moved closer to your bed. Olivia washed her hands before pulling a rolling chair next to your bed. Tom stood up to give you and Olivia the space to do what was necessary.

“Yep, just like that Y/N. That’s perfect. Baby girl Holland seems to be a pro at this, too!” Olivia watched as you positioned the baby at the perfect spot and started to nurse. It took a while to get used to the feeling, but once you did it was the most amazing thing. Tom couldn’t take his eyes off of the magic happening in front of him.

~~~

“She needs a name, Tom. We haven’t named her yet.” You whispered to Tom in the middle of the night after feeding the baby again. The nurses had come in a few times to check up on you but for the most part, were leaving you and Tom to your own devices.

“I like the name Emma.” He whispered back from the cot that was a few feet away from you, the baby in between you. You sat up as best as you could to get a look at the sleeping baby.

“She’d make a good Emma. What about Nicole for her middle name? Pay homage to your mom. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her through all of this.” You said quietly. You didn’t hear a response and looked over to see him with a toothy grin spread across his face.

“You would do that?” Tom sat up and looked at you.

“Of course. You know how much I love her, she’s so important to both of us. Plus I think Emma Nicole Holland has a pretty good ring to it.”

a few resources available

about miscarriage and more information available

grief resources

list of articles, books, and web-based resources

postpartum support

support organizations

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thespianbooks · 4 years ago

Text

A Court of Nightmares and Starlight //Chapter 16//

Masterlist

(tags: @thron3ofbooks, @df3ndyr, @courtofjurdan, @art-e-mis, @herondamnn, @the-third-me, @im-still-trying-here, @emikadreams, @paytin77, @mis-lil-red, @sleeping-and-books, @lucieisabooknerd, @amandaraey-sunshine, @easy-p-lemon, @azymondias05) *bold tags don’t work ;-;

Happy Winter Solstice everyone! In honor of this day, and our girl Feyre’s birthday, here is chapter 16 to celebrate! I hope you all have a fantastic week celebrating the holidays! Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, and an overall Happy Holidays! ❤️

"Rhys?"

My soft whisper was met with silence; my mate remaining in the depths of slumber, an arm draped over my waist as we lay entangled in our plush sheets. It was still dark outside, only a couple of hours having passed since we turned in for the night and yet I awoke; overcome with an urge I had never felt so intensely before.

"Rhys?" I whispered again, touching his cheek gently and saw a flicker in the muscle of his jaw.

"Rhysand…" I pressed, my heart racing in hopes I could coax him into consciousness as tenderly as possible.

"Yes…?" He muttered, voice thick with sleep and eyes remaining closed.

"Rhys…" I hesitated, moving in a little closer to him as I murmured sheepishly. "I'm...hungry,"

His dark brows pulled together in confusion, "Hungry?" he asked.

I nodded, my head rubbing against his shoulder with the motion. "Starving, actually," I admitted as I traced circles along the dark whorls of his tattoos.

I grinned as he opened his eyes, still perplexed as he turned to me. "You didn't eat at dinner?" He asked, concerned, and I giggled.

"I did. You were there remember?"

"That's right," he closed his eyes again with a sigh of relief, the hand on my waist drifting to my rounded stomach pressed against his side. "We went to Sevenda's with the others and you had the prime rib special."

My stomach growled at the memory, and I choked back a rising sob. "Yes…"

He opened his eyes again, alarmed at the sound of unshed tears in my voice. "What's wrong, Feyre?" he asked, fully alert now as he shifted onto his side to look down at me.

I felt my eyes burn, suddenly overcome with guilt for making him worry and for waking him up, but I couldn't resist the ache in my stomach.

"I want more," I whispered.

He blinked, taken aback as he stared at me. "Of the prime rib?" He clarified.

I nodded with a hiccup. Cauldron damn these hormones. "I need it Rhys. We need it." I said, placing my hands on my stomach.

Rhys breathed a sigh of respite, laughing breathily as he dropped his forehead against my collarbone. "Oh Feyre, you scared me."

"I'm serious, Rhys, I'm so hungry and that prime rib was so good. I need more of it, or else-"

"Of course, my love, whatever you want," he hurriedly reassured me, kissing my cheeks before pulling back to meet my gaze.

I sniffed as I stared into his violet eyes, sparkling with amusement. "Really?"

My heart lifted at the feline grin on his lips, "Yes. Would you like everything that came with it too?"

I brightened and nodded, "Yes. Please."

He chuckled and pressed a chaste kiss to my lips before pulling back and climbing out of bed. "I'll be right back, then."

I beamed as I pushed myself up slowly, a month of growth on my abdomen now weighed me down and I required a little more effort when rising from any laying or sitting position. In the month that passed since the summit, since Eira's birth, we had all fallen into a sense of ease. Prior to the summit, Rhys and I did our best to compose our nerves over the rising coup, but now with the full support of our friends at our back, we finally felt a sense of solace. We were still in a period of waiting—of gathering more intelligence on Keir, Kallon, and now Beron. Thanks to Azriel's continued spy work, we were assured that no advancements were being made on either front, so we all allowed ourselves to breathe easier—for now at least.

The only wild card that remained was Eris, but after a brief meeting with him at our moonstone palace above the Court of Nightmares, things seemed...placated, for the time being. The eldest of the Vanserra sons, and heir to the Autumn Court, assured the earlier theory Rhys had—that the male wanted our support in overthrowing his father. What surprised me, however, was that it was all he wanted. He swore he played no part in his father's plans with Keir, and to prove it he provided us with detailed, secret, reports from his father's general; whom he had rallied to his side as well. The reports accurately lined up with the intel Azriel's network of spies had collected, and as of recently divulged a lack of movement as well.

It seemed the trio of traitors were biding their time, presumably attempting to adjust their plans now that the entire continent was aware of my pregnancy. We knew better than to assume they would reel back on the coup because of this; instead deciding to strike before my child had a chance to be born. The threat still haunted us all, but until we had news of any change in plans, we had to wait. In the meantime, Rhys, our family, and I were making the best of it. True to the promise I made myself, having seen how curious and eager Cassian had been in learning about my pregnancy, I spent as much time with them as I could. To aid in our efforts, Rhys and I hired a personal assistant to help balance our workload as High Lord and High Lady; agreeing that we needed the help while we transitioned into preparing for parenthood. That assistant was Clotho, the mute priestess who served in the library of Velaris, and one of the only other fae Rhys or I could trust outside of the inner circle. The priestess humbly agreed and now split her time between our estate and the library. Despite not being able to outwardly express herself, Rhys assured me that she was ecstatic to hear of my pregnancy and wanted nothing more than to help us balance our work between ruling and parenting.

In the month that passed, not only were we able to de-stress a bit and enjoy leisure time with our family, but I had also observed a notable change in myself. While my belly, now an impressive, rounded mound that was pronounced no matter what I wore, continued to grow with the promise from Madja that our son was still as healthy as ever; I noticed a myriad of developments in my emotions. While I did find myself with more energy than I had in the early days of my pregnancy, that frequency in fatigue now seemed to trade places with erratic mood swings. One minute I would be as happy and content as ever, and in the next beset with unexpected gloom. However, everyone seemed to take it in stride—especially my mate, who simply smiled and listened to me rant or just held me when I needed to cry.

Along with my renewed energy, my appetite returned with a vengeance. The same three meals I ate everyday no longer sated me, and I found myself snacking on various things throughout the day. There had been an incident a few weeks ago where I watched in total envy as Azriel snacked on dried meat in between training with Cassian and Rhys—something the brothers had picked back up in part due to the looming threat, but also as a means for entertainment. It wasn't until Cassian noticed me on the verge of tears and snatched the meat from Azriel, casually offering it to me, that I realized I had officially started with pregnancy-related cravings. The cravings hadn't been so intense; until tonight, when I had been ripped from sleep by my growling stomach and the desire to have another helping of dinner had me waking my mate from his sleep.

"Do you think she still has those leftovers?" I asked as I watched him dress.

"I'm sure she has plenty left reserved for you, Feyre darling. She saw how much you loved it," he replied with a knowing grin.

My face warmed as I recalled how the restaurateur offered to pack up extra servings for me to bring back to the estate, but I had been too embarrassed at the extra helpings I already consumed during our stay and politely refused.

"I didn't want to look like a glutton," I admitted sheepishly.

He walked over, resting his hands on the bed as he leveled our gazes. "No one would think that. You're pregnant and feeding the heir to the Night Court. They know he needs to eat, even in the middle of the night," he said and gave me another chaste kiss before stroking a hand along my stomach affectionately.

I smiled. "That's true. It's just hard to keep up when I feel absolutely ravenous every few hours."

He smirked appreciatively as he rubbed my stomach again, "Is there anything else my son wants?"

"Strawberries," I answered quickly. "With chocolate, or whipped cream."

Rhys laughed and pressed a kiss to my forehead. "Whatever you want, my love," he repeated and stood upright.

I waited for him to return as patiently as I could, pacing between our bedroom and balcony every few minutes before finally pacifying myself by sitting with a book on the cushioned bench of the balcony. In order to keep myself distracted, I read a book of plays aloud in hopes that my growing baby would be patient in his insatiable appetite. The sound of my voice must have appeased him, because as I continued to read, my hunger seemed to dull a bit. However, after a few minutes passed, I felt his kicks of protests and rubbed at the spot.

"If you have such a problem with my reading, then talk to your father. He's the one that taught mama how to read," I said, and my heart warmed at the memory of my lessons with Rhysand in my early days at the Night Court. "Maybe he'll teach you to read too."

"We both could," I heard Rhys say from behind me and I whipped my head around to see him holding a bundle of food.

I pushed myself up unceremoniously, eager to eat as the smells hit my nose. "That's so much food!" I exclaimed as he walked over and placed the bundle on the small table we kept on the balcony.

"Sevenda might've given us some more food she thought you might enjoy," he answered with a laugh before snapping his fingers and the food instantly displayed out before me.

I gasped in admiration before Rhys pulled out a chair for me and I happily sat, digging into my meal immediately and moaned with relief as the savory juices of the prime rib hit my taste buds.

Rhys sat next to me, casually grabbing a strawberry from the bowl he had also laid out and snacked on it as he regaled me while I indulged myself. "You truly are a sight to behold, Feyre darling."

I felt my face warm and dread filled my chest as I swallowed a mouthful. "Do I look like a pig?" I asked, that dread beginning to ebb into shame.

"No, no." He quickly reassured me, moving closer until our knees were touching. "I meant the sight of my expecting mate enjoying herself, of nourishing my growing child, is one I never dreamed I'd see," he explained. His hand came to rest on my stomach again as those beautiful amethyst eyes grew tender.

I squeezed his hand gently, "You deserve it Rhys. This child is a culmination of everything that is good about you; of all the good you've done in your lifetime."

His eyes were lined with silver as they met mine, and I moved my hands to cup his face. "He will be all the best parts of you, Rhysand."

"And of you," he swore. "You brought out the best in me Feyre. Everything that I am, that I have now, including this child, is all because of you."

My heart pounded with joy as I beamed and pulled him in for a kiss. He returned it with just as much fervor and heat began pooling in my core. When he pulled away too soon for my liking, I kissed him again-slowly, and nipped at his bottom lip.

I felt the fiendish smirk of his lips on mine as he muttered, "I thought you were hungry?"

"I'm hungry for something else now." I whispered, staring at him with half-lidded eyes.

I shrieked with a laugh as he scooped me up in his arms, my legs easily hooking around his waist as the food from the table suddenly disappeared and he carried me over to the nearest wall.

XXX

The following morning, I was pleased to see Rhys still in our bed and even more delighted to still be wrapped in his arms. He had a tendency to wake before I did these days and often got a head start on his work, allowing me the opportunity to sleep in and get the rest my body needed. However, after the night we had, I wasn't too surprised to see him needing the extra sleep. I smirked mischievously as I lightly traced along the tattoos on his chest with my own tattooed fingers, relishing in his scent as I recalled the details of our night that extended into the early hours of the morning.

It was a welcome change of pace after the stress that weighed on us; one we needed now more than ever with a youngling on the way. The days of just the two of us were set to expire in a few months; soon to be filled with a new life we would have to work together to sustain—all while balancing our duties of presiding over the Night Court. I often tried not to let the weight of that responsibility stress me out; knowing we had our whole family to rely on, but now that I was nearly halfway through my pregnancy, I wanted more of this time alone together.

I felt dark talons gently caress my mental shields and I smiled as I lowered them enough for my mate, who kept his eyes closed despite now being conscious. I allowed him into my thoughts; letting him know of my yearning for the quality time we had just experienced together as a lazy hand caressed my stomach.

"Let's go to the Cabin for a few days," he said after a couple of minutes passed.

I pushed myself up on an elbow, staring down at him as his sleepy violet eyes met with mine. "Really?" I asked, already keen on the idea.

He nodded in affirmation. "Cassian and Azriel are keeping the appropriate tabs on everything, and Clotho is set to meet with Mor and Amren today to go over some paperwork from the Palace Lords in Velaris," he explained.

I nodded. "My sisters also have their own agenda," I added. "Elain plans to drag Nesta to the market, or one of the palaces, today."

"So, we can get away," Rhys said. He brushed a stray lock of hair out of my face and I nodded again.

"Let's go now." I said, eager to escape with my mate.

It had been months since we set foot in the Cabin together. There were times he or I visited alone to let off some steam, sometimes meeting each other by the end of the day, but it was the first time we would go together since Winter Solstice; the first time since I fell pregnant, and I couldn't help but feel a little nostalgic.

Rhys smiled languidly. "Right now?"

I nodded and pushed myself up carefully, staring down at him with a grin. "Right now," I confirmed.

His smile shifted from lazy to determined as he sat up in the bed. I reached over to pull on my silky dressing gown and robe as he climbed out of bed and dressed. I laughed as he scooped me up in his arms and I wrapped my arms around his neck.

"We'll have to bring the baby too," I said in mock disappointment.

He chuckled as he walked over to the balcony. "That's all right. We'll consider it our first trip as a family."

The next thing I knew, we were in the sky, Rhys's powerful wings easily propelling us from our balcony and into the air in a matter of seconds. I held onto him as I felt the warm breeze encircle us and whoosh through my hair as he took us to our destination. I watched his wings as they moved; strong and beautiful, and felt a kick from inside my stomach.

"Do you think he can tell we're flying?" Rhys asked.

"Maybe," I said as I felt another swift kick and rested a hand on the spot. "It's okay baby, daddy won't drop us."

"Never," Rhys affirmed.

I looked up at him, "Do you think he'll have wings?"

The corner of Rhys's lips twitched upwards. "Of course he will. Maybe not at birth, but they'll come."

"Were you born with your wings?" I asked, admiring how the sun reflected off the iridescence of them as they moved in unison.

He shook his head. "My mother was hopeful they would develop as I matured, and a day after my eighth birthday they appeared," he said.

"Just like that?" I asked with a smirk.

"Magic."

I laughed and traced a finger along the membrane of one as it moved within my reach. He stiffened at my touch and I grinned playfully.

"Illyrian baby," I teased.

"If it weren't for my son in your belly, I would demand you fly us to the Cabin and see how you fare while I stroke your wings," Rhys taunted.

I giggled and pecked his cheek, keeping one arm draped around his neck while the other rested on my stomach. I paused as realization struck.

"Is that when your mother brought you to the mountains?" I asked.

Rhys nodded, already knowing what I referred to. "I think she was going to bring me regardless, but she was eager for me to fly and learn the Illyrian traditions."

The silver in his violet eyes flecked with a hint of sadness as he recalled the memory of his mother. The current status of our relationship with the Illyrians put a strain on his heart. He grew up with them, found his brothers amongst them, and their participation in the coup was the last thing he ever wanted. I laid my head on his shoulder in order to provide him with some comfort, not wanting either of us to dwell on that heartache during our little getaway.

His fingertips brushed the side of my stomach lightly as he held me closer. "I want him to learn, to train, like I did," he said.

Although he didn't ask, I heard the question in his words and I nodded. "He's Illyrian, just like you."

He pressed a kiss to my temple and landed on the steps leading to the Cabin, setting me on my feet carefully and I smiled reassuringly at him before taking his hand as we both walked to the entrance. As soon as we walked in, the fire in the hearth ignited and the rest of the house sprang to life with a wave of Rhys's hand, immediately accommodating us. A second later, platters of food appeared in the kitchen and I beamed.

"I love it here," I said as I strolled over to the counter, picking up a piece of perfectly crisped bacon and took a bite.

Rhys smiled roguishly as he joined my side, taking a slice of bacon for himself. "It's just what we needed, especially after your ravenous cravings kept me up all night. In more ways than one," he said with a wink.

I threw my hand up in a vulgar gesture. It's not like you were complaining. I said through the bond.

Indeed not, my love.

I sat at one of the raised chairs beside the counter, looking over the paintings I had filled in the room all those years ago—when I escaped here for the first time after learning he was my mate. I ate as I reflected on the last decade; at how it had brought us here, with our son now growing inside of me.

"I want to give birth here," I said after a comfortable silence had befallen us.

Rhys paused. "Really?" he asked.

I nodded, resting a hand on the apex of my belly. "It feels right. This is where I accepted our mating bond; where we decided to start trying for a baby, and I'm pretty sure this is where he was conceived too," I said with a smile, having done the math in my head. By the time I realized I was pregnant, on Starfall, I was already a couple of months along; meaning our attempt to conceive on Winter Solstice—as we did every year, had been successful

He smirked in return at the memory; it was somewhat of a tradition he made of bringing me here on my birthday. "My mother gave birth to me, and my sister, in this cabin," he said. "With the help of some Illryian midwives and some camp-mothers."

"Then it's perfect," I said softly.

He reached down to stroke my stomach gently. "I want to be there," he said. "In the room, while you give birth. Through all of it actually. I know it isn't traditionally done, my own father waited outside the room both times, but I want to be there and hold your hand when my son comes into the world. Just the thought of you going through labor, of enduring all that pain alone," he shook his head as if to erase it from his mind. I squeezed his hand reassuringly.

"I wouldn't want you anywhere else, Rhysand." I said, not at all surprised at his declaration.

A week after Eira's birth, Viviane and Kallias had both sent us letters-informing us of their daughter's arrival, fawning over her beauty and detailing how infatuated they already were, but also informing us of their own accounts of what the birthing process had been like. At the summit, Viviane expressed that she knew what to expect, but in her letter, she elaborated just how excruciating it really was. Luckily, Kallias had also been there with her, providing her with whatever support she needed and relieving as much of the pain as he could through back massages, also letting her clutch onto him for dear life as she suffered through pain after pain. I wasn't sure what Kallias had told Rhys in his letter, but shortly after my mate had summoned Madja and asked the healer to guide us through exactly what to anticipate.

"Are you nervous?" He asked.

I chewed on my lip in thought, recounting the gruesome details that both Viviane and the healer had laid out for me. The pain alone would come in constant, violent waves, and could last as long as a day.

"A little," I admitted. "But I know I'll be much more comfortable here; with you there."

"I'll be there every step of the way and do whatever I can to ease the pain." He promised, taking my hand and pressing a lingering kiss to it.

I smiled. "It'll be just the two of us, Madja, and the midwife."

The healer had told us that she worked with her sister, who served as a midwife for just as long as she had been a healer, when delivering younglings. Rhys and I readily agreed to have her along and made a plan to meet with her once I came closer to the end stages of my pregnancy.

I squeezed the hand that held mine, staring at the new tattoo that had formed from his renewed vow he made at the beginning of my pregnancy—when he promised not to let his male-bonded instincts shelter me unnecessarily. I ran my thumb over the crescent moon design.

"Do you think," I hesitated, mulling over my words. "Do you think...I'll be good at it?"

He paused. "At what? Giving birth?"

I laughed humorlessly, "No, not that. At...being a mother?"

I avoided his gaze, feeling the weight of those smoldering violet eyes as I continued to stare at the blue-black ink of his tattoo. After a few seconds of silence, his other hand came to grip my chin gently, tilting my head up so that I could meet those beautiful eyes.

My heart skipped a beat at the sincerity in them. "You will be an amazing mother, Feyre," he swore, his voice earnest.

My eyes burned as I thought of my own mother; of how imperious and cold she had been towards her daughters. I often wondered how she had felt when she was pregnant with us, because once we were born, she hardly bothered caring for us at all. Did she ever love us? She worshipped my father, her "one true love," but how could she not dote on the fruition of that love? Perhaps she had loved my father for what his wealth provided her instead, and the lavish lifestyle she lived-before she died.

"You are not your mother, Feyre." Rhys said, his hand moving from my chin to my cheek. "I already see the love you have for our son in your eyes, in your actions, every day."

I sniffed as I looked down at my stomach, heart swelling as I thought of my son—of how eager I was to hold and cherish him, and I couldn't fathom pushing him away. I nodded lightly as I wiped at the few tears that managed to escape.

"I just worry sometimes," I admitted.

Rhys nodded in understanding. "I worry about myself too," he said, and frowned. "I worry about being like my father; that I might be too hard on my son, and that I might age as cold and calculating as he did."

I shook my head, taking hold of the hand still on my cheek. "You could never Rhys," I said with the same smile I had given him last night—the same emotions in my eyes as I reminded him what this child meant for us.

I felt the tension leave as he sighed in content, resting his brow against mine as we both stared at my stomach; our thumbs caressing either side of it, holding our baby. I felt him move, sending kicks at both our hands, and we laughed; my chest swelled with hope that perhaps he could feel the love between us—at the love we shared for him.

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i-am-a-closet-fanfic-fiend · 4 years ago

Note

Heyo its my birthday :') and i was wondering if youd maybe consider givin a girl a cute lil steve drabble? But! That being asked! Dont feel obligated to 💕

Hi Nonnie! Happy birthday if you are in a timezone West of EST and happy belated birthday if you’re not. I hope you had a wonderful day, and I hope you like this little drabble!

“Come on, we have to get you the perfect dress for tonight,” Wanda insisted as she tugged you along.

Natasha smirked at her excitement.

“I already bought a dress for the party. Like a month and a half ago.”

“No. You bought a dress a month and a half ago that you decided was good enough for the party,” Nat retorted.

“You’re the guest of honor. You have to have the perfect outfit.”

Wanda tugged harder, almost pulling you off your feet.

“But I don’t even want the party. I just want…”

“To have a quiet night in with Steve,” they chorused.

You pursed your lips.

“Do I talk about it a lot?”

“Only every day for the past week,” Natasha reported.

“We get it though. But since Cap’s on a mission til next week, we’re partying tonight to fully celebrate the amazingness that is you.”

Wanda smiled warmly at you.

“You two are the best.”

You kissed each of them on the cheek.

“And I have Tony’s credit card, so live a little.”

“Well in that case.” You smirked, grabbing Natasha’s hand to complete your train. “Let’s go.”

After an hour of searching you found the perfect dress in your favorite color.

“You look beautiful, birthday girl.”

“Thank you. It’s perfect.”

With a quick stop to buy shoes and jewelry you headed back to the tower. Natasha and Wanda left you to go check on the party preparations.

“Your presence has been requested on the ninth floor,” FRIDAY announced as soon as you stepped into the elevator.

“What’s going on, FRIDAY?”

“A surprise from Captain Rogers.”

You were surprised when you stepped out onto the floor and found it equipped for a full spa day.

A tall woman dressed in pale blue spa uniform greeted you with a smile.

“Happy birthday, miss. Captain Rogers has instructed me to give you this.”

You took the tablet from her and pressed play on the queued video.

“Hi beautiful.” He grinned. He must have had this planned for a while because he was in his office at the Tower. “Happy birthday. I’m sorry, I’m not there. I know that Tony has probably pulled together a party in the time I’ve been gone. I promise I’ll make it up to you when I get home. In the meantime though, I wanted to spoil you a little. Everything is set up for massage, facial, you name it. Indulge yourself and have fun tonight. I love you and I miss you. And I can’t wait until I can hold you again. Enjoy your birthday.”

The video went on for a few seconds as Steve struggled to stop it properly making you giggle. He was brilliant, moreso than most thought. But sometimes he still missed things and you loved it.

“So, what treatments would you like to do today?”

“Can we start with a massage?”

“Of course.”

You called Wanda and Natasha to join you, and several hours later you were feeling properly pampered and luxurious. The three of you dressed leisurely, hair and makeup already done professionally, sipping on champagne and listening to your favorite playlist.

“Are you ready?”

“Yep, let’s go.”

“You should make a grand entrance,” Wanda insisted. “Go take the stairs down from the roof deck. We’ll make sure everyone’s waiting.”

Before you could argue, they’d stepped out of the elevator and you were rising up two floors.

You gasped when the doors slid open to reveal the roof deck adorned in candles and fairy lights, and Steve holding a bouquet of your favorite flowers.

“Surprise. Happy birthday.”

You stared for so long that the doors started to close and you had to jam the button to get out. Steve closed the distance between you with three long strides and you threw your arms around him.

“You’re not due back until next week,” you whispered as you clung to him.

“Had to keep you from finding out about the surprise somehow.”

“You sneaky little –“

He cut you off with a kiss, hand resting on the back of your neck, careful not to ruin your hair. You were breathless when he finally pulled away.

“Hi,” you giggled.

“Hi.”

He cradled your face in both his hands as he studied you, re-memorizing every inch of you. It had been a long three weeks.

“Welcome home.”

“I couldn’t think of a better one. Now are you ready for our quiet evening in?”

You grinned and took the arm he offered you.

“I am. Does this mean there is no party going on downstairs?”

He chuckled.

“Nope. They are all going to a club. We have the run of the place.”

“Perfect. So what do you have in store for the birthday girl, Captain?”

After a delicious dinner, the two of you slow danced on the roof, blissful in the quiet. After a while you really weren’t moving. It was more Steve rocking you as you placed all your weight on him.

“Tired, my love?”

“Never,” you mumbled around a yawn.

“How about some stargazing?”

“Sure.”

He produced several warm blankets and pillows and settled you between his legs as you leaned your head back on his shoulder.

“This was exactly what I wanted for my birthday.”

“I’m glad.” He pressed a kiss your temple. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.”

Warm in the embrace of the love of your life, you quickly drifted off under the stars.

#naynay responds #Happy birthday nonnie!#I hope you like this

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elizabethrobertajones · 7 years ago

Text

13x10 3rd Watch Notes

... I was too excited to do notes, that's all on me :P We're doing this late, fuelled with 3 days of fandom yelling, and a large pot of rooibos tea.

I think starting the recap with Jody's line from 9x19 that started this whole thing emotionally is BRILLIANT -

Whatever you want from me, I'll give it. If you want, I'm here.

Because this was the perfectly tuned line to say to Alex to respect her boundaries, respect her journey and where she might go and the choices she had to make about her future and what Jody would do for her... But now it encapsulates the entire heart of this show, because this is Jody laying herself on the line for her girls, for all of them, as the emotional core of the show, the one whose house for "wayward girls" is opening up for business. That she's given the same promise to Patience, and taken in Claire and would probably do the same for Kaia in a flash, even was the one to offer to teach Donna more about hunting at the end of 10x08, though she's adult support.

I think it's 100% the right choice, because Jody is undoubtedly the core of this, and I don't think her adopting Alex was the first time anyone thought she could have a spin off - a hunter sheriff is an ideal idea for refocussing and, honestly, Weekend at Bobby's started to sell the idea in that you could flip around the POV and whether he was in it or not, Jody's perspective on it all was even more fascinating than his. But obviously by 9x19, right in the shadow of the failed spin off attempt, the obvious choice was right there under their noses, and this line sealed the deal, because it gave Jody the chance to prove she was capable of carrying that weight. And boy does she.

"Wayward girls" said over the clip of Alex and Claire being dragged into their respective jail/child prison cells by the authorities, to show their roots before Jody got to 'em

Patience being offered her route in as the decision she has to make about leaving her life to *become* wayward and go off her seemingly easy path through life.

"Losing everyone you've ever known" - Claire losing Amelia (holding her like Jody will hold her at the end of the episode), Jody killing Momma - two very very different scenarios, but in both, how they lost their mother/mother figure, one a tragedy, one saving her from the toxic upbringing.

"Am I brave enough/ Am I strong enough?" the music sings over Claire in the taxi in 10x20 going into her future, when we see her last before she settles with iron certainty on becoming a hunter, and then Alex right after she has made her choice, and stabbed Momma with the dead man's blood so that she can be free

"To push away my fear/ To stand where I'm afraid" Patience choosing to leave when her father tells her she won't come back, and Donna seeing her first vampire, and being pulled into the world of the supernatural

"I am through with this" Jody, I think, right after she kills Momma, having struck the decisive blow which changes her life to bring her and Alex together and start this all

Then loud music/chorus and I lose music comprehension and we're recapping and they're all being badass :P

They've done a lot of beheading.

Claire fighting the werewolf in 12x16 edited to not show her getting beaten >.>

To be fair, that's the learning experience where she doesn't make the mistake again this very episode :D

(And she has a lot of mistakes still to make to be formed into a great hunter... She's still 5 years younger than Dean in 1x01!)

The best bit is how the badass music was for the girls, and it drops away when Jack is on screen and becomes very muted because this is The Man Pain(TM) and therefore not right to play this song for :P All the other dialogue had it at least pumping away in the background.

And, yep, her first appearance in the recap, she's part of the main plot, not the established sisters (I wondered about this on the first watch but bleh :P) you hear "I've been sacrificed" for Kaia: https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/169929858758/and-all-three-of-kaias-screams-got-punctuated

She's a huuuuge part of the show but I guess that's in a main plot way - the mythology will be built around her and Claire's emotional story is built around that. In a way it elevates her, but it also, for now, excludes her from the core family group, as she's not there in the end for the family meal around the table, and she's not here in the opening credits being layered in with them. I suspect if the show is picked up, we'll have Kaia back by the end of the first season, and she'll be officially welcomed to the family group, but in the meantime as she's *so* new she hasn't got the same connection to the story and history of Jody's family, even that Patience is rooted deep in SPN's story despite being new, and met Jody early on in the season... Staggering their arrivals means that Kaia being able to join the family would be a huge goal to achieve, to round out their numbers and have their first big victory.

This song is the only way to make that last action of 13x09 any more amped up than it already was.

And the song ends and we recap Patience on Jody's doorstep and her vision as the lead in to the episode, which, oh no. :(

I love this opening sequence a ridiculous amount. Quirky one-off werewolves, tiny lil blonde girl representing who Claire used to be right down to the braid in her hair (and she lost her shoe!) and the whole slow approach of the delivery van Claire stole while implementing this extremely extra plan... There's good tension in this whole thing, and the werewolf's knock knock joke made me laugh out loud because I'm awful... Also "don't play with your damn food" ... god.

Claire's knock knock joke is, of course, much better.

I love the way she pulls up and brings light to this place, and sets the monsters on edge before she ever knocks on the door. And the yellow eyes callback! It looks so much like one of the early shots of yellow eyes, maybe the revealing one... If this is the proper opening of the pilot, to compare it to 1x01, we have Claire saving a girl from the yellow-eyed monster... Down on their magnitude of monsters they deal with though. There's no destiny and epic plan that can possibly compete with what the Winchesters get up to, and really, no one wants or needs there to be.

We've seen a lot of tilted picture frames this season and I don't know if it's because before this season started I photoshopped one straight for silly reasons or if it's because it's an actual theme. It's still symbolic, of the picture being shifted, which might mean you're viewing it wrong, or that the picture itself has changed and moved - which this show is doing both in the main show and this itself being a new and different perspective on the show.

I love how Mr Werewolf completely unironically says "who's there" after all that stuff scaring the kid without even thinking about how this can bounce back in his face and he's going to get the fright.

I love Claire's innocent little "Huh?" when he says that, and the gentle music like maybe this was all a misunderstanding.

"Your name's right on the box." He's reduced down to just being a monster, and she's the thing that kills monsters. :D

I also love that she blows him away before he can say "Bitch"

And that Claire uses Amanda's full name to greet her and put her at ease, but also that she's taken away Mr Werewolf's name, and given Amanda hers.

She's so gentle with the little girl :D

And she has so many weapons shoved in her boots!

I like how this show she can now use her fighting skills to overpower a werewolf despite being smaller, and also that she knows not to let them get the drop on her, and reads Amanda's face well when honestly it's a trope not to realise why the person you think you're freeing looks like that and get surprised again.

I also like it was a lady werewolf who attacks at the end - it's not JUST a girlpower, men are dumb brutes message, just that these girls are very strong in their own ways and that is a good thing to celebrate. You can still get lil girls who get kidnapped, innocent civilian moms, and werewolf ladies. Before you even hit the range of girls and women in the main characters.

The sad moment where she reunites a family and wishes for a moment it would be that simple for her... And at the end she is given a whole large family to emotionally reunite with - or join for the first time :D

And then the rehash of the "hunting trip and haven't been home for a few days" line, and title card. I think a lot has already been written about what's different, like that it's Jody calling Claire home, and taking her off the road. And she's the parental figure - which may just reflect back on what Dean was to Sam I guess :P Except that she's also just friends with Sam n Dean, and this is also a front to get Claire home, because she's more concerned about Patience's vision and Claire dying than she is about Sam and Dean, concerning as that is. She doesn't know any of the ways in which they could even remotely currently be fucked, as she last checked in with them at the start of 13x09 and they last checked in with her after getting the lead on Kaia. Obviously Dean had some motives that he didn't want to be alone and didn't REALLY need Sam, he just wanted to have him around, but, yeah, this is entirely for Claire's sake. There isn't so much mytharc as there is intensely personal, heart-based reasons for things :')

How many episodes start with showing Jody's truck... I love the shot of Claire in the mirror as she pulls into the driveway, just kind of... staring at Jody's truck and wondering if she's doing the right thing coming home, like she's already facing down Jody after leaving. Like it only becomes real in that moment at the end of the drive.

It kills me that Alex and Jody are around a 6-person table. I already pointed out in the rewatch notes for the earlier stuff that Jody's living room has room for 6, but you know me and table meta. There's 6 seats around this table, and one of them is for Kaia, though she never makes it to sit with them. At the moment, it's just Alex and Jody, and all the rest are going to join in around them :D

Thinking of: Claire comes in, smiles nervously at them all, breaks the tension asking Alex if she missed her and getting some snark in, and Jody hugs Claire waaay more than normal, her face over her shoulder betraying absolute relief, before she gets back to business and introduces Patience. Claire's face falls, recognising all the hallmarks of being replaced - and Patience brought like 2 shirts with her or something, so has been borrowing Claire's old clothes because Jody probably said it was okay (Patience seems like she would have asked :P) and here's Claire, and... Yeah, I don't think all of Claire's initial reaction is just because she doesn't believe in visions or whatever, but because she feels like Patience is an impostor. And a rival.

I love Patience's last look after Claire abruptly changes the subject on the awkward silence and charges off - "well, that went... about as terribly as it could have" :P

Patience sitting next to Jody on the sofa probably can't help either >.> Jody's like a protective barrier between her and Claire - and Alex to an extent, just because they're not on the same side.

I LOVE Claire slapping away Alex's hand and Alex's teasing look when she says "baby". She's soooo much more confident than we've ever seen her before, and she's happy to tease, and to get deep without falling into her own trauma and not being able to get back out. In 11x12 she was still very hurt, and had only just made it to the surface of coping every day. In this episode she's clearly much more settled and happy and feels a sense of belonging and purpose. She'd not even consider staying to hunt just because Claire needles her it's the right thing to do, and I love that Alex has a job helping and healing people, after being indirectly responsible for so much death. Of course when there's serious work to do and Jody needs her that beats everything, but she is so confident about what she's doing.

Also just the detail that she's the one who does antiseptic cream because anyone can theoretically do that but it's showing Alex's place as the qualified healer in the group. Based on how she gets deep with Claire AND Patience, I think that she may be a secondary emotional healer too, for stuff that's not really a "Mom" problem for Jody.

Claire says, "What about the girl?" *pause* "Kaia" trying the name out of size in her mouth for the first time, saying it weirdly soft and carefully... :')

And then we cut to Kaia being discovered just as Claire says her name. And that shot introducing her by her hand - that she will die with her hand outstretched to Claire... Oh no....

Alex checking Jody will be okay without her before she leaves - it makes Claire suspicious because the tone is suggesting emotionally, not manpower. Jody's holding off having the conversation with Claire and Alex knows it, and says she knew how Claire would react in the next scene with them... She's got all their numbers

And Claire immediately challenges Jody to tell her, all bravado, and when she says she's safe, Jody cracks and you can hear it in her voice - distress that Jody does not often show as she says "No you're not!" and finally explains what Patience saw.

Having to tell someone you saw them die is a great intro >.> I mean, definitely worse than it turning out you stole their sweater :P

Claire laughs it off but then her face falls as no one turns it into a joke, and she's clearly starting to wonder by the time Jody leans in and insists Patience is the real deal

Claire immediately goes to the bargaining stage, and then denial, followed by anger and turning it into the ongoing argument about being allowed to hunt and how Jody has been stifling her and not allowing her to hunt. It's the same argument as 11x12, and though we saw in 13x03 Jody stoically trying to accept Claire's decision in her comments on her leaving, now we see that the argument has never really gone away, but they haven't been tested by anything huge enough until now to work through it

Oh Claire... Talking about not having enough time to plan and how it's good to go charging in if people need saving. And saying she won't end up dead... Alllll the irony for later :(

Jody accuses her of running away, and off Claire goes.

Patience watching all this from the sofa like... I'm... sorry...? Oh god this is awkward.

Alex being competent :D (Also a good thing to establish if she's going to have to keep ditching her job for monster autopsies and letting Claire hang around checking the system :P)

Snark snark snark, A+ dynamic between Claire and Alex - I'm glad we see all the different levels of how well they know each other, like Alex and Patience being comfortable but not close, Claire barely knowing Patience, Claire REALLY getting on with Kaia, and of course Claire and Alex having a several years old relationship where they've warmed up to each other but still need to maintain a snarky exterior.

And like with Claire coming in the door, there's a moment where it seems like Claire's anxiously waiting on Alex's approval, and is relieved when the snark comes which reassures her that they're good and she hasn't overstepped (especially as she had been needling her, and Claire's been away from home for months).

"And I knew how you'd react"

*pause*

*deflection to snarking at her some more*

And then they get really deep about what Jody means to them and what she needs from them and who has been there for her... I don't think Alex meant it that way and she immediately knows she implied Claire left them, but Claire does take it that way, and starts explaining how she felt, about why she couldn't stay yet... And Alex points out that Jody *always* worries about her, whether she's there or not. Which stops Claire short because it comes across as such a weighty declaration - the betrayal of Jody's feelings of not being able to stop worrying about Claire no matter where she is, being so much deeper than just fussing about Claire not getting killed on her watch, which can be taken as regular over-protectiveness, especially when Jody is a hunter and sheriff so protecting people is her day-to-day... Even though Claire has started to think of Jody as her mom, she's so used to being abandoned I guess it might be hard for her to accept people still care about her when she's not around, and that she's not better off elsewhere not getting in the way, and preempting abandonment.

And Alex changes the subject, and Claire looks at her fondly for doing that, and humouring her to help with the hunt.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Claire looking at Kaia!!!

The MOMENT they did that eye thing with the close up staring I had to pause and squeal the first time because while I'd been looking forward to them interacting, I had NOT expected it to be blatantly signposted that they were about to form the most intense relationship of the episode after Claire and Jody's arc. Like, I'd added up that Claire was the main character, Kaia was plot relevant, and we see them in the promo shots in 3 separate scenes talking alone that we knew of plus they appeared to be in the Bad Place alone together so I figured they were going to spend some time building up this relationship but hoooly crap they went for it.

Claire and Kaia both play it cool for the nurse, then leap into action.

From Kaia's POV Claire might be an unusually young detective, or some sort of monster or angel... Perhaps it works best if we assume Kaia's still worried about being kidnapped by angels, for most dramatic irony, that Claire, a former angel vessel herself, wanders in like hey there and Kaia is assuming yet another angel is coming for her.

Claire wanders in like "where are you going" and though she grins at her, taken in that light it's very threatening... But then she starts talking about Kaia having the cops on her ass, which is the last thing Kaia would be worrying about.

"Who are you?" she asks, realising that Claire may not be an angel after all.

"I'm a friend of Sam and Dean Winchester" - that should be the all access card but she has no idea that Dean abducted Kaia at gunpoint and this is the worst way to make her trust Claire. But seeing that she's human, Kaia makes her escape.

Kaia's reaction to being confronted by one of these monsters in the real world, not in her dreams where "at least" they can stay if she doesn't sleep, is brilliant. Of course she'd freeze in horror... As much as she's used to running away from them, they're not supposed to BE here.

I love Claire's BAMF confidence to just pull a knife and charge the thing - though of course a light stabbing doesn't do much and she gets thrown. It takes teamwork with Jody to bring it down for her to get a good stab at it, so though she gets the kill it has to be a team effort, aka you need back up, you can't rush in and do things on your own, Claire. And who knows how things would have gone if Jody hadn't come to the hospital - I guess because Alex called her and said Claire had been by and found Kaia?

"So let's talk" It's much more confrontational than how Claire then goes and talks to Kaia. I suppose because at that point she's still running away, but somewhere between all this getting the monster in a body bag, cleaning up, getting it home, letting Kaia get dressed in something other than a hospital gown, Claire's seen she's just terrified and running, but not trouble herself... I mean, Kaia agreed to come with them, and is sitting quietly on the porch.

Idk why they are sitting out in front of the house when monsters are possibly after them :P

Patience like yeeep I'm not ready for this when they unwrap their monster. Alex so casual, like, okay, we're doing this...

Being raised by vampires probably does a number on your squeamishness. And since this is all technically for good rather than harming people, Alex has no issues with it at all.

Eeeeeeee Dreamhunter conversation!!

We've already picked over it so much >.>

Claire comes walking in all confident and opening up about the monsters - because she swaggers into every conversation, fight etc when she thinks she has the upper hand. Kaia is ready to open up, since Claire saved her, and explains what she can about the monsters and her dreams.

And then Claire assumes that Kaia is a hunter of sorts, who deals with these monsters like a BAMF - "so you fight them?" "No, I run" *Claire stares at her in horror, as it sinks in just how much Kaia must be scared and how she's been running from monsters every time she dreams* "Sometimes they catch me," Kaia admits because when we compare this to the scene in last episode with the awful group leader at the rehab place, she can't tell the truth to anyone, but now Claire knows all about monsters and so the truth is not going to make Kaia look crazy...

"Is that how you got that?" Claire asks, spotting the scar, still sizing up exactly what is happening to Kaia, and Kaia admits she has other scars all over. At this point she's clearly moved to trusting Claire and being relieved to unload a bit, even if she won't look at her, yet.

Claire sees how upset this makes Kaia, the first notes of a gentle song start in the background to show we're now bonding, and she immediately leaps to trying to make it all okay - to show her that scars are trophies and to be celebrated surviving these things. "Me too," she says, unknowingly echoing the catchphrase of the last few months, since this episode pre-dates it. Taken in this context though, and the whole author is dead thing, it's a powerful statement because in 13x09 Kaia's interactions with men and monsters were all entitlement and even Jack was grabby hands and not knowing boundaries, and Dean in his fit of panic about Mary, threatened her with a gun and lost sight of her as a person - just wanted to use her for her powers, which is a blatant metaphor. Claire got bitten by a werewolf in 12x16 in an assault-coded attack, and in her earliest episodes back on the show had a lot of blatant near-misses, terror of nighttime attacks and the sketchy caravan people thing, and now when we meet her again she's blasting away werewolves who terrorise little girls, and overcoming the old adversary. And wearing her scars with pride and no shame. And encourages Kaia to feel the same way, after being harassed by the monsters of her dark consciousness who've left their marks all over her.

Claire approaches this all with her reckless enthusiasm that makes her such a great lil Dean mirror (but also all her own self for all her other traits) - "Ghoul bite" she says like it's the coolest thing ever, and immediately Kaia is smiling to see Claire open up and show her that she's not alone or damaged in a way that will make people think less of her - because Claire at least will think it's awesome. "Bar fight with a vampire... he threw me through a window." She smiles completely pleased with herself for having lived such a badass life already. That she's got these stories to tell. Kaia is captivated by now, wanting to know more about Claire, what other stories she's got written on her body.

Claire smiles and meets her eyes and looks away, bashful.

"And this one?" Kaia reaches right into Claire's space and brushes a finger over her forehead.

(Personal space? Never heard of it :P)

It's set up as an accident (though of course it's all a writing decision) in order to make Claire get off her guard and admit she's not as cool as she makes herself sound sometimes, and not all her scars are real heroic battles. And it makes Kaia laugh, getting to see beyond Claire's facade. Which, of course, is the big old Dean Winchester parallel and she's been doing it all along, pretending one thing even when it's blatantly obvious it's not. She's got better at it as she gets older, but Kaia still gets past that layer :D

They share a few glances and giggles, and then having got through enough of Kaia's layers to establish trust and a sense of being comfortable together, Claire tries again, asking, "Kaia, what happened?" in the most gentle voice ever - because she's learned to reach out to other people now, and how to judge when's the time to ask without demanding.

And though Kaia looks scared, now we know she'll talk.

There's a green AND red cooler behind Patience :D

This monster has such a cool and disgusting design. I'm completely with Patience about not being able to look at it :P Alex is still wearing her scrubs from the hospital, completely professional.

I pointed out in a post while doing the rewatch that Alex and Claire were both wearing black and white vertical stripes and then that Patience showed up wearing them too (Claire's sweater) - I think this is the only scene you can tell, but Kaia has a sweater too and it's got black and RED stripes, the only one of them to break the pattern, and, sadly, because she's marked for death :(

I love how Kaia says "it's where that came from" and gestures the monster with an eyebrow alone. Good acting.

Patience's "ugh" face too. She is so the audience stand in here, the normal kid who has to stand in the room with a monster autopsy all of a sudden and it's not even a big deal to anyone else here in a "what the fuck this can happen!?!?" kind of way :P

Kaia lurks on the other side of the door as she explains, while Claire has moved into the room to watch the autopsy - Kaia's even talking about doors to other worlds while she explains. She looks so small and separated from them. Probably more foreshadowing she'll end up separated from them... "Something went wrong"

God that monster is disgusting. A+ design.

Claire's little smile as she realises she has a chance to save Sam and Dean. "The door's still open!"

20 minutes in and we see Sam n Dean enjoying roast lizard.

"It's a lizard. It tastes like a lizard" is quite possibly the best line Dean's ever had on the show.

I've seen a spectacular lack of irony about how Sam and Dean don't need saving because they've survived this long and lol they're just camping in the woods, like the very same writers who then let Bad Place Kaia overwhelm them in a fight didn't let them sit down and roast an iguana. Like Sam and Dean are their own living entities who managed to survive this long in the woods without supervision, and like the eye of Sauron turning on them, once the writers are dealing with their lives again, everything goes to shit and the girlpower takes over.

So to be brief: Sam and Dean are used for the dramatic irony in Kaia's comment which has been a theme all season that they say Mom is dead, Cas is dead, what's burned stays dead, and we hop over to see Mary alive, or Cas waking up in the Empty. In this case, Kaia's been persecuted by the Bad Place with an intent, because Bad!Kaia is after her for some reason, and won't let her go (which is probably why she overloaded when she tried to leave the Bad Place via non-waking up means with Jack's help - Bad!Kaia looms up in her vision and stops her from going), and Sam and Dean were just chucked here. Bad!Kaia is probably stalking them the whole time waiting for an opening but she absolutely is not bothering them like she's had it in for her alternate self, I suppose seeing them as a curiosity and probable dinner for her big friend.

They've survived this long because they're not important.

They've survived this long because they're competent at being flung into the woods with nothing to their name, because we've seen them do it before - literally last midseason opener had the same concept :P

But they're not surviving as a fuck you to Kaia's presumption they're dead, and they're not living entities with any ability to shape the story to their favour to prove a point :P Sheesh...

Anyway Sam refuses to eat his lizard because it's gross and he has hope that they can escape - it parallels the start of the season, that Sam has hope, that he's holding on to change their circumstances. Dean is wallowing in the idea that they're going to be stuck, that hope has probably petered out and the portal closed, and he he has to adapt and resign himself to their fate. That no one knows how to get here, that MAYBE Jack might find a way back to them but who knows what happened there - they don't so all they can do is walk and survive and at least get used enough to this situation to eat a lizard and not go hungry and lose strength over nothing.

And Sam's denial, of food, and that hope is over, is not healthy for him, though it bears out, if anything it enforces his beliefs - and there is NOTHING wrong with hope but spreading yourself thin, not eating, not living for yourself in the meantime... They need to combine their approaches, to mix hope with self-care.

Ugh, what a nasty looking spear :(

Patience, 100% grossed out by the monster autopsy, has decided that she has done her part and she really doesn't need to be here to oversee nonsense like this :P

Alex immediately finds her, and sees what's up.

"Is that what you want?" she asks, sounding surprised. Given Patience told her that "maybe my dad will take me back" it's clear Alex knows pretty much everything we know about Patience, that she walked out on her dad in order to deliver the message. She'd also know, then, how determined Patience was to do it, and how important it was to her to get to Jody and pass on the warning. Patience hasn't seen any action but at the very least she's bonded to seeing through the story connected to her vision. Alex understands that Patience has made a personal sacrifice for this, and that asking her dad to take her back is going to have more connotations than just going home because it all got a bit too ikky - it's putting visions behind her, putting this whole thing behind her, and wanting to be normal again. And Alex, as I said, seems to have everyone's number :P

(She used to be very good at picking out marks >.>)

She snarks that Patience will pretend she's "Little miss perfect and not a powerful psychic" like Patience can't do both. I mean come on, give her a chance, she's got an in built perfectionist streak that's going to end up applied to hunting just as hard as it was applied to school, just watch if we get a show :P But yeah, no, the connotation is to go home and just do exams and try to be normal. The message coming from Alex is blatantly obvious, as we've been seeing from the start - the Alex of 9x19 and then the Alex of 11x12 are both gone, and instead we have an Alex who found her balance, and a true motivation.

"Well, you gotta bury 'em somewhere." Honestly at this point this is when I realised Alex is the secret weapon to this whole project because she's extremely funny and because she's got dark dark humour, and that dark dark history, and that doesn't go away, she just channels it into being this domestic, loving healer type who's got a dark streak miles deep.

In any case, Patience needs to do the whole "refusing the call" thing a few times because she has a main character arc of her own which we frustratingly don't get to see the end results of because the vision that took her here and ended the episode with coming true wrong, is a huge development for her, but we're gonna need the show to find out how it affected her. I mean it's great to leave it all hanging but graaaarrrr I neeeed it nooowww

The story, of course, has different ideas. Patience, it says, you're one of us, you're a main character here! So rather than let her go, it gives her a vision to make her immediately have a dramatic concern to protect them, and so she comes running back and of course she has the perfect getaway vehicle in her massive car...

I would LOVE to know what Claire and Kaia were talking about downstairs together, but I think it's also just nice to know they chose to sit close together and talk when we weren't looking at them, that they bonded closer... Because of course this is something that Berens has helped write before - the mixtape scene is the prime example of showing that there's a whole iceberg under the surface of DeanCas interaction and that they know each other better than we will ever know them, because they get all that time when they're not on screen having adventures to get to know each other, if the story will let them. And clearly it does, because Dean made Cas a mixtape.

Anyways, Claire and Kaia, who have a gentle, flirty dynamic, spent at least 10-20 minutes talking in private :')

Claire is prone to looking at Patience's lips too. Oops. I guess she's just surrounded by cute girls so what to do??

She and Patience have the vision as the core conflict, that Patience feels Claire blew off her vision and she accuses her that she came here to save her and Claire just wants to fight monsters... And Kaia is the one who intervenes in the fight and convinces Claire to be rational and go. I LOVE the angry stare-off between Claire and Patience though - that Patience thinks that Claire thinks she's a fake, when Claire's a lil freaked out and putting on a lot of bravado about it.

And the camera going between them, to Kaia who reaches in and pulls Claire out of defying Patience for more bravado.

But also that in the wider narrative this episode is set up around Patience's vision and her misinterpreting it as being about Claire dying - but it's Kaia, and that teaches Claire to have less bravado, to rely on the others and to have her "army" as she thinks of them, of support to plan and help and work as a team.

For now, Kaia's intervention is enough to soften her, just as her overall meaning to Claire will soften her :(

Kaia's face as she watches the monsters smash up the house. Claire's as she has to accept this is really happening and Patience was right - which means her vision about Claire will happen...

Patience just annoyed no one will listen to her

TIME FOR D-TRAIN

I love how Patience even thinks for a moment the National Guard might help in a monster situation.

Donna gets the best entrance this episode. Sorry Claire :P

Now she's here they really get to work. Donna gets out her weapons to badass music, drops the hilarious Minnesota line, and Jody calls Kaia aside to work out where they're supposed to go to find that door.

With the help of Alex beating Sam Winchester in a game of wifi tag

Getting in another reaction shot of Patience on "who knows howta use a flamethrower?" was genius.

Jody's resigned look as she revs up for another stay back and wait speech - wheedling Claire. She looks over and sees they're all watching her, wondering what Jody is asking her perhaps, or knowing it. Kaia is in the foreground, and Jody says "Kaia and the girls" and I watched and giffed waaaay too recently for my Dean n Cas are in love gif series, 5x04 where Dean says to 2009!Dean that he's going to feed all his friends into the meat grinder - Cas too??

I think Jody thinks of Alex and Patience more as the girls under her protection because they have a pre-existing relationship, even if Patience's is newer, while Kaia is still basically unknown to her. But that just implies further that Kaia is under Claire's protection instead, already. Before Claire says anything.

I cry a lot about them already :P

And Jody's surprise when Claire gives in with only a glance over at Kaia because she was expecting the fight. She's smart enough not to throw that back at Claire and turn it into a victory or demand to know what changed.

Sam belatedly seeming to think they're in a different universe, not a different world - and the fact they HAVE that distinction in the first place... I think it may just be settling in how far from home they are, and how difficult it will be to get back.

Again, Dean concerned with the practicalities, cleaning his boots, grumbling, accepting that this is pretty much their life now while Sam is still philosophising and coming to terms with it.

Bad!Kaia has some serious moves :D Just thinking of the spear connection, when they fought Ramiel they got the better of him. But she's small and fast and has clearly learned to fight from the very start and the spear is a natural extension of herself. It's not some big showy fight, she's small and strong and wants them knocked out and on the floor.

Donna knowing they found the right place because the Impala is parked outside of it. Perfect :D

This is all she does this episode except for driving the Winchesters home - just telling Jody and Donna where to go.

And they march on in like the competent badasses they are :D

The weirdness of what they're walking into slowly sinks in as they pass the melted angel blade - Jody knows what one is from 12x06, where she would be more like the average hunters who, like Asa, think of it as so special to keep back and put in a felt-lined box. She's never seen wingprints before either. And then there's the glow of the portal from upstairs...

Claire sits in silent contemplation, and Kaia takes it as her chance to come reassure Claire, since Claire sat with her and made her feel better last night. Claire smiles to herself before she moves over, happy to see her. And Kaia watches her closely, leaning around to catch Claire's expression, so she can diagnose that Claire is scared...

Here we get to the most important lines for Claire as a Dean mirror - the thing Dean's been grappling with for years and Berens had a whole section about in 12x22 where Dean talked about how they might die, when they thought they were facing their end in the suffocating Bunker. Claire sees her end, and expresses it the same way Dean does - she wanted to go down swinging, doing something heroic and good that would mean she lived a good life. Something to prove to herself, in death, that she had saved herself :( I mean, Dean's faced this a lot, in season 3, in season 10 especially. But Claire is young and has only ever really known the swagger of being a hunter, tempered by mistakes and losses, but nothing that could set her back more than her drive to do it.

I think Kaia sees her as a real hero because of the way she saved her, because of the way she talks about her life, and seeing her as confronting that she wanted to die heroically, knowing that this is how Claire feels, that she's all in for being a swaggering hero if she could be...

Stuff like "get myself killed" and "sit back and let Jody handle it" remind us how young Claire is, and how Jody still fills a motherly role in protecting her. Though Claire is now presumably legally an adult with no more coming of age milestones or will be very soon (she must be coming up on 21 if her birthday is towards the end of a season) this is like the last hurdle to adulthood - learning to be responsible and for Jody to trust her with her own life, a struggle that goes both ways between them and sadly eats up Kaia in the learning of it >.>

"But Sam and Dean saved my life and I *can't* sit this one out" - Claire carries on talking and starts to talk herself into it. Kaia listening, sees where Claire's heart is, and though she has no love lost for Sam and Dean, sees what they mean to Claire - that at the very least she has them to thank for ever meeting Claire, who saved her life, so that passes on... And so she appeals to Claire's hero side, knowing it will be what Claire needs. And that for Claire she would do just about anything. She'd go with her into the Bad Place, if that is where Claire needed to go.

God I wish they had kissed at that moment :P The camera cuts away and we go to Jody and Donna's badass scene with the monsters.

"Ooofta."

Donna seeing something cosmically huge for the first time, and finding proof that hunting is not just the ghosts and vampires that come through the towns you look after, but sometimes on a scale unimaginable to the daily life of a sheriff...

Jody knows too but she also knows this is where she has to go so off she charges - And when Donna pulls her back she's still staring at the portal with a finality, and certaintly. And fear. Gosh she's good at this whole thing :'D

"I'm going in," she says, firmly, the next shot showing her less scared and more resolute. "If I don't, she will. Donna, I cannot lose another child." And then she turns and gives the spooked Donna that sad, almost farewell smile, because she doesn't know she can come back from this and I suppose she trusts Donna to be her back up here, to stop Claire going in after her, or to come with her and help...

Who knows because the monsters shake them out of it, and they have to check it out. Perhaps she was going to leave Jody behind but she just can't while while there are monsters there. Her instinct is not to rush in, and it's to protect everyone around her, and that ultimately saves her from rushing in and doing a Claire, and getting Donna killed.

But it still gets them to a dead end hiding in the car, without back up of all the girls.

(Wow all the Jody scenes are so powerful... Kim Rhodes just fills the screen all the time and I love her. An incredible amount.)

Mislabelling - Dean calls "Darth Dickwad" "he" when talking about the dinner bell which I think also some of the less well-inclined towards this episode peeps have taken as gospel truth, that the thing in the hood was some other creature, male the whole time until it revealed itself with Kaia's face like a shapeshifter, instead of just being her the whole time. (She's had boobs the whole time, it's not a good theory but if you want a man to be the only one strong enough to take out other men in a fight, sure :P)

But in meta terms, the label being wrong is a long long theme, and Dean misunderstanding the hooded figure's gender because he's making this assumption too or just isn't objectifying her figure where it's visible through the robes and just assuming that slim and strong means a small but very dangerous guy... Who knows :P He's not really had a good look at her.

It would be SO easy to write "she" and not think about this concept or have Jensen mis-say "she" knowing it's Yadi or a female double on set so the "He" has to be very deliberately said and written. That there is a meta point to Dean being wrong, and again with the labelling.

I like how Claire's like, "Patience, gimme your keys" - not can you drive us to this spot, but I wanna do some illegally fast stunt driving to get us there on time and this isn't a debate :P I guess just her being a leader in attitude as well.

I just love this badass set up of Jody and Donna in the car together, mirroring 11x04, but in a badass fight scene, while Sam and Dean took the pose to be a time to talk about feelings. Perfect.

Donna just says "alrighty then," not sentiments, and then the monsters start clambering on the car and they're shooting.

Jody's FACE when she sees the girls with the flamethrower.

Honestly the fact Claire took the flamethrower off... And no one picked it up??? Pfft.

Claire and Jody go through a silent exchange of their argument as Claire realises it's the portal, and bolts towards it, Jody chasing after her.

Patience and Alex standing there like... should we be doing something about this?? And the monsters???

"Oh hell," Jody says, seeing Claire has found the portal and is already sizing it up, getting ready to walk into it. And it's getting smaller, meaning that it's now or never. And there's no time for any more arguments about it. Claire saved her life and it's not like a weird barter system or anything but maybe she can trust Claire... it's almost like in the new star wars where Leia tells Poe off for always jumping in an x-wing and blowing things up without thinking but then when an emergency comes, the response is, yes jump in an x-wing and blow something up :P

That arc was more strongly focussed on his leadership but tbh Claire and Poe maybe share a personality type. She'd be one hell of a pilot.

ANYWAY Just avoiding talking about Jody having to let Claire go into the portal and saying "I know" and giving her that little wink, like, I love you but it's your life and I can't stop you, and maybe we need someone to swagger in like the big hero and just get it done, and I'm so incredibly proud that you have this instinct to do the big hero stuff...

... Ohhh this is all hurting soooo much because of how it ends :(

There's just so much power in Jody's looks, you can SEE how much she loves Claire and how much she doesn't want her to go but she knows she has to.

Broken up with Donna's "oh there he is! Hiya buddy!" because in the opening we see Donna's reaction to seeing a vampire for the first time of total horror, but now she's adapted, it's no different to growing up in a hunting culture in Minnesota... Sure the things are weirder, but it's cross-applicable skills :')

She may talk down to the monsters to make them seem less scary for the girls, but when there's tons, and she knows the odds, she doesn't make a grand stand, she tells the girls to run and covers their escape.

"Little help!?" she calls as casually as she can up the stairs, while probably Patience shrieks "HELP"

This distracts Jody from her moment with Claire is already looking to the portal again, resolved to go.

She looks to Jody for final approval and Jody does that amazing little nod and "Go" because to her they already resolved it and they're wasting time - or at least that's what she wants to convey to Claire while her eyes shine with tears and she watches with utterly restrained sadness and fear.

Claire nods, and looks over at Kaia, who just looks freaked out

Because she's agreed to go to The Bad Place, and oh boy that's all hitting home right now

"I'll protect you," Claire says, full of confidence that she can do this, and holding out her hand, and they Legend of Korra their way into the rift... But this is the beginning of a painful story, not the end of one, and so Claire leads and Kaia follows. The music kicks up a bit of intensity with a guitar riff as they take hands, and through they go.

On the other side, Claire immediately scopes out the portal to check they have a way back, while asking if Kaia is okay, in full hunter mode. Kaia grabs at Claire's arms to find her hand again, and pulls her towards the sound of the monsters, towards her nightmares, resolved to do this.

Meanwhile: some fun throwing around of furniture, Alex shooting like she's at a shooting range, Patience shrieking some more

Claire saves the boys. "My hero" Dean says, recognising the give and take of saving lives that they do in this industry. Owing one to Claure is something to process later but they're going to have to think of her as an adult and fellow hunter now.

She's a year off how old Sam was in season 1.

They sort of don't even question how Claire is here - she came with Kaia and they were vaguely local to Jody when it all went down and that's enough to bridge the gap at least for getting the hell out of here and assuming they're not hallucinating :P

Sam still has to ask about Jack, though. Of course. Kaia shrugs and says he must be at the other place because, well, he was trying to get there. And whether she can see it or not - if she has some impression from when she was screaming and melting all the angels or what...

Good enough for now, monster is coming :P

I LOVE DONNA REASSURING PATIENCE THAT SHE GOT THIS

"let's get to work"

Not "we've got work to do" but recognising they're already hard at it, recontextualising an iconic show line less to be about expectations of work later and more to just getting down and doing things :P

WHY DID THEY STOP FOR A LINE UP AT THE PORTAL JUST RUN THROUGH IT IT'S OKAY IT'S DEFINITELY THE RIGHT PORTAL

JUST GO FULL TILT INTO IT AND BE DONE WITH THE BAD PLACE

Kaia hearing Bad!Kaia coming - or sensing her. She has great reflexes to shove Claire out the way - or some connection to her Bad Place Self... And I wonder at what Bad!Kaia was trying to do - if she wanted to kill Claire, or if she knew Kaia would jump in front of the spear.

Anyway OW OH NO KAIA OH NO OH NO OH NO

This sucks but I'm taking it all on the chin on the absolute understanding that we're getting Kaia back if we get this show and the story hasn't even begun yet and that Kaia is going to be so utterly central to it this is only the beginning for her character and she's going to emerge like a beautiful butterfly from this lil set back, and no one stays permanently dead, especially not when they're introduced with a romance and then their evil double seemingly pops up before the end credits :P

Anyway in her last moments Kaia struggles to look at Claire, and grasps for her hand, squeezing it so tight she compresses Claire's fingers, and Claire is just stunned, whispering "Kaia" to round off how she first said her name at the beginning of the episode when she had no idea what it would mean to her in the next 24 hours.

Claire can hardly look away as Kaia dies, despite the sound of the approaching monster.

That's a big boy.

I wonder what Donna would say to him :P

Claire goes in a full snarling rage to attack the hooded figure, and is restrained and pulled back

Patience gets in a great shot which knocks back a single monster that was running straight at her, after a few hilariously bad shots

Her look of stunned horror is such a hilarious part of this episode. We need more newbie hunters who aren't just like, victim of the week or whatever, they're press-ganged into the life and it's like what the heeeell why am I dooooing this?? :P

Well I mean we could have a whole first season of her figuring it out XD everyone seems so gung-ho to be a hunter or get protected and stay back. She's not just a random civilian defending herself, she's literally grappling with if this is her life or not and all signs point to yes despite how horrifying she finds it :P

Aaaand they come back through the portal and it closes and Claire wails the most anguished "Noooooooooo!!"

And that's when Patience comes in with the others and realises Claire isn't even hurt - but a part of her just died

Jody silently asking Sam what happened - is Kaia okay? And he just shakes his head.

SILENT COMMUNICATION. Love it. Love that I still get an itty bitty fix of Jam in the middle of all this :P

Sam is still up for communicating with Jody - Dean's just looking on in sympathetic sadness to what Claire is going through.

The back and forth between Claire in agony and Kaia lying dead on the ground just drives home what Patience is realising - that she misread everything and it was Claire in mourning and Kaia's death that she saw, but the details not giving her enough context to realise it wasn't what it seemed.

And, yeah, Jody holding Claire like Claire held Amelia when she died - ouchies :(

But Jody soothing Claire... oh my heart. Jody has gone through about 1000 different emotions this episode and it's been AMAZING. If anyone thinks the girls can't act then Jody would still carry it for them.

Sam and Dean respectfully wearing black as the girls get on with cleaning up the house. Blah blah people covered Dean saying "i" and Sam pointing out how shut down Claire was as a parallel to how Dean was at the start of this season - so much about grief and loss this year, again.

Jody's got a lot of mixed blessings - Claire is back but broken, her house is smashed up but she has a lot of new hands to help her fix it. And they saved Sam n Dean but there may still be a whole bunch of monsters around town for them to deal with.

What a great sentiment to define this show's place in the mythos: "We will handle it. C'mon, you guys take care of the world! We got Sioux Falls covered." Showing they have a place, respecting Sam n Dean's importance to the greater narrative, but also defining the show as having no huge mytharc because you can't compete with Sam n Dean on the cosmic level, but you can have a personal level mytharc - something like Bad Place Kaia and the emotional drama that would bring - to still have high stakes and high personal meaning for it all... And we're invested in all these characters, the ones we've known forever because we've known them forever and seen them grow into this, the new ones because of their potential and what they will bring to the dynamics of the show...

And Sam and Dean love Jody so much and she waves goodbye to them and sends them back to the main story, and sighs and goes to see how Claire is doing.

Still crying in her/Patience's room (they need to settle that :P)

"You were right," she says because this whole episode was stacked against her over-confidence, to bring her down to have a more careful approach to hunting, to sadly learn a lesson that was building all the time we knew her as an aspiring hunter. Carelessness is an interesting flaw, and over-confidence, and I don't want to see them disappear from Claire - and judging by the end monologue they haven't, she's just reapplying them and learning to be a little less hasty, a little more reliant on teamwork... But yeah, I think Claire is an interesting mess, and she's so young and started so young on the show we've seen every single one of her traumas collect together to make who she is.

(And Kaia is owed like a billion times the character development off of Claire's pain if they get the show so that she can have it paid back for dying like this for Claire's >.>)

"I said I'd protect her," she says, her voice breaking and a tear coming out of her eye - c'mon, people really think Kathryn can't act? She's breaking my heart :P Bringing it back to Kaia and that's when it makes Claire cry, to think of her promise to Kaia, that Kaia took the stray bullet for her (... and the spin off had better subvert the heck out of that trope >.>) and Claire failed to protect her like she'd thought she could.

Having had someone to protect - and losing someone - makes her finally understand Jody, and she mentions the feeling of losing someone you can't protect, that you felt that much love for whether it's a kid or your first crush that really seemed like it might be something real and good for you...

And I mentioned riiight at the top, that Claire never got the speech from Jody that she gave Alex and Patience, because we saw Claire being sent off to Jody without hearing Jody make her any promises. So it's like, Jody finally has an in to reach out to Claire and for Claire to listen, the equivalent of the end of 9x19 or 13x03 for Alex and Patience. "You don't have to do this alone" - which is also the message of the show, that they're a family, that they're not alone when all the family work together.

"When you're ready, if you want, we're all here for you." And that's Jody's final invitation for Claire to stay for real.

One last humour beat with Donna, Alex and Patience, who are definitely going to be the most fun characters in any combination or all of those 3 :D

Alex giving her a "Welcome to the family" is a lighter version of the heartfelt stuff Jody just said to Claire - extending an invitation to the newbie to the dynamic that she's passed their bonding ritual of fighting side by side and she's no longer just an awkward house guest, but one of them.

Jody comes in and stops to survey them, perhaps giving an uncertain verdict on if they're keeping Claire.

Maybe just to ask them what takeout they want. She probably told them she was gonna go talk to Claire, though, so they're all wondering about her.

Claire continues her hunter journal, now writing from the heart, starting a new page of her life.

Coming downstairs to join the family.

there's 4 chairs that survived the attack on the house - which the established family (Alex, Jody, Patience and Donna) are sitting in, and a folding chair set out for Claire if she wants it, and a different coloured plate (actually, Patience, the other newbie to the settled family dynamic in Sioux Falls since Claire left, has a green plate too, but a real chair). And the 6th chair is just gone. Kaia is not currently a part of this family set up, but the space remains for her.

Claire monologues basically stuff to that effect - she's staying because they're going to get strong, and fight her chosen battle. She thinks. She mentions "family" "army" and "need" which in the SPN language has a lot of mixed connotations - family is good, army is a bit uncertain about if you're using them for the right reasons, and "need" has a lot of back and forth about if it's good or bad, to use people or to be incomplete without them, for good or bad. In this context it all for now comes across as a very positive message of unity and strength between them all, but idk if it's healthy long-term for Claire based on the critique to these words in the main show, or if she's escaping to a world governed by Jody's heart, where these things might be less dramatic and painful :P

"They think I'm staying because I'm broken" I guess it's pretty open among them all how wrecked Claire is about Kaia - they all know there was something special or that something about it hit Claire very hard and maybe they can think it was losing someone she swore to protect in battle, especially sacrificing herself for Claire, or maybe one or the other of them has gleaned how Claire's heart was broken too.

I love the last glad look Jody gives Claire, happy to see she's come down to join them. The others are chatting without particularly directed eye contact as they pass around the food as a symbolic thing of unity.

"The thing that killed Kaia is still out there" she says as we see the now familiar opening of a portal.

"I don't care if I have to tear another hole in the universe" - I think this phrasing is particularly ominous given season 13 as a whole with the AU hopping and Billie's warning about AU hopping as knocking over the whole cosmic house of cards. Even without what happens in this show, in the main show we still have Jack in the AU with Mary, and some drama with Michael sure to still unfold. And I'm really starting to worry that this is all still a red herring for the real problems, caused by universe hopping. The phrase "tear another hole" is so violent, and she's got Winchester determination to do it at any cost which is reflecting back on them, not just in general but even just last episode they were at an any costs struggle to get to Mary including tearing holes in the universe when they were told not to.

And finally the dramatic irony - Claire looks into the camera and says "we're going to find it and I'm going to kill it" and "it" pulls back the hood to reveal she's been Bad Place Kaia all along, and now she's here with an agenda...

Which goes with, as I was saying earlier, all the dramatic irony through all of season 13 about alternate universes and not knowing the state of things, misinterpretations, mislabelling and generally getting things very very wrong, when we know better. We are allowed to see there's still hope for Kaia in the long run and that Claire's mission is so VERY much more complicated than she thinks it is. One thing is certain - she is NOT going to accomplish this goal and we know it as soon as Bad!Kaia pulls back her hood :P

NOW GIVE US THIS SHOW SO WE CAN SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEEEEXT

#13x10 #season 13 spoilers #my stuff #whoops :p #at least this way we have hindsight commentary on everything #no wild guessing fun though :P

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