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faunastanza · 6 months ago

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Circlet of the Sun pt. 3

(part 2) (part 4)

Sila and Papaya go back and forth about the script some more, with Papaya repeatedly saying how much she loathes Sila but never says it to her face. They does have a funny line about how she makes an expression that doesn't make sense though.

there's an emoticon for this somewhere

The impression throughout all this ranting is that Sila likes dramatic anime-like fight scenes for her Mary Sue. Doesn't seem like a crime to me but I guess I wasn't there. She is mocked for it. More direct parallels are drawn between Glip's abusive real life dad and the real life gun he threatened his family with and this person on the internet who wrote bad stories and hurt people's feelings.

After a bunch of that, we cut back to Papaya and a new character, Jaxi, at the shop. Jaxi is a stand-in for one of Glip's real life partners Axi, I'm pretty sure. Anyway, Jaxi says that Sila came to them the next day and told them about what happened, and that Papaya really scared her when she yelled at her. They say that, knowing Glip, scaring her would have been intentional. They say Glip shouldn't be so mean to someone who's doing their best and trying to help. Glip doesn't remember yelling or why. Hey, guess what train of logic shows up again! Guess! GO ON! GUESS!!!

sure have trouble remembering when i yell at people for some reason

Papaya says she feels ashamed and starts to explain (crossed out) BLAME herself. She says she should have known better and shouldn't have yelled and just explained it calmly for the tenth time but instead she yelled. "I'm so tired of everyone being scared of me," she says. Gee, I wonder why that would be? Maybe this whole VN is a reason. Jaxi says that Sila is really scared of her and they can't think of a reason now to tell her why she shouldn't be.

We cut back to Tox and her two minions. Inkcat is called Vacuumania which makes me think of a fetish site more than a character name but hey. Toxinuate throws a pity party about how her two friends, Obverse and Vacuumania, tell her everything she does wrong and that makes her get better at things, which is a theme that came up when Tox was first introduced. This whole scene has very weird vibes since it seems like Glip is aiming this at Jaxi, their real life partner, who was talking to them completely reasonably a second ago. I don't know man. It's weird, that's what I'm saying.

i'm not talking about you, jaxi! (or am i)

Tox keeps rambling her big irritating pity party to herself about how she can't have boundaries and does everything wrong and everyone hates her yada yada we've all heard this before. It's also implied at one point that Tox should accept every kind of story/medicine people want to inflict on her, so I guess we're back to kinkshaming lol.

It goes on to touch on being cancelled again and how people blame Tox for things it totally didn't do. I'd remind you that Tox is another self-insert of Glip's but at this point you might as well assume that's a given.

step on me more plz (just kidding) (or am i)

Scissors and Inkcat, sorry, Obverse and Vacuumania actually tell her to shut up at one point which is pretty funny though.

thank you

There's some more of Selfish-Harm being a strawman villain then out of nowhere this hilarious thing.

lol what

There's a whole bunch more yelling and Selfish-Harm being evil and Selfish-Harm stabs Papaya repeatedly with very deliberate rape imagery, which is weird. She tries to explain but Selfish-Harm never listens, so she thinks of a way to make them listen.

Papaya shifts into Lily! Hey, Lily! One of the actual characters! I'm shocked. There's a bunch of rambling in the corners about Lily panicking about how she's put into a role that doesn't fit and she can't remember who she was because she keeps getting killed in someone's mind so she can never grow, because they don't know her. She'd never like someone as pathetic as you! The narration says. "You're Sylvan! You kill her in your mind! You're the one who restarts the universe everytime!"

What does it mean? It means Sila likes Lily the wrong way and writes stories about her dying, basically.

Anyway, Lily holds a baby Jupet in her hand. She says that Jupet is small, but they're a nekopossum, so that'd be why. That'd explain the fairy circle in their room as well! It does imply that maybe Lily had other children in other frequencies but who cares at this point.

hachacha

TAL's been using a laser to collect data and heal. Lily is scared of it, but it helps her. It takes away her pain and creates the wall out of the inability to feel pain. This is the quarantine line, it says. The quarantine line for paranoia! What does it mean. Someone says that you've lost the Heaven's Keys, and that Clear Watching is an underground prison on one of the Keys.

Glip and Lily go into the Keys. Glip says they found an anomaly, and we get a shot of Jupet with an X over their head. No one remembered them, they became a child of the story, never to have been, it says (what). There's then an odd panel with someone rambling, Glip I think, saying you're a terrifying person and that writing about their own character in their own story fills them with dread, so they're going to kill her off for good. I assume this is about Sila. Glip throws Lily into Clear Watching, WHERE ANGELS GO TO DIE.

Anyway, we have a frequency shift from Andre to Sample, because great, whatever that means, and cut to Amdusias pony, now named Sinpony. Beleth is talking to her, but they have a new form now with a diamond over their eye. Another AU form of Beleth. Sigh.

Beleth thinks about how they're so cool and that they can beat anyone up with their three favorite toys. They call them and Tox, Obverse, and Vacuumania show up, baffled. Sila is there again, saying Sinpony belongs to her, and Beleth squares off to fight.

We then get a card saying it's the end of part one and Papaya never wrote the second part because Sila attacked her. It's a poor workman that blames their tools, you know.

:3c

We go to Callclout writhing in pain from Bugsy's rule, yada yada. They try to figure out a way to get out from under it. There's another childish "this is you!" moment with Glip introducing another new dumb angel, Socketpuppet.

wait i'm missing a thumb

As you might guess, Socketpuppet puts on puppets of other characters and pretends to be them. Socketpuppet pretends to be Papaya for a while and I'm not really sure who's talking. Of note though is that Glip again gets defensive about people hating on Call-Clout and says they'll kill off Lily and Neon if it continues. okay.

how to respond to criticism

The voice, Glip I assume, declares Rule Zero, that you (Sila I assume) can never talk to them or their friends again. I don't know why they think Sila would at this point, it sounds like it'd be the last thing on her mind. But hey.

They then explicitly blackmail Sila, saying that if Sila talks about Glip to anyone or has any bad feelings about anything in this VN, they'll kill off Lily and Neon (maybe Jupet too). They get really defensive about Call-Clout again which is hilarious to me. Call-Clout, of all characters. Imagine being defensive of a character called Call-Clout IN a call-out you wrote!! it's kind of amazing.

i'm the hero!! glip says, like all the villains say, but it's different when they do it

It then says Hostage Taker, Selfish Hurt, so maybe Selfish-Hurt is threatening this to... who? Themselves? Someone else by pretending to be Glip? I don't know. Maybe they're blaming Selfish-Hurt for making them take hostages? This is a mess.

Hilariously, Glip then says that Sila made them realize that callouts are a useful tool, but they didn't want to do one. :( They just wanted to write a story about what it felt like for Sila to be a horrible creep! Look what you've made them do! This is your fault!! They say they're recovering just fine without Sila, as the VN clearly shows. No issues here.

We get a bit more clarity now with a goop like sort of Glip being confirming that they are the ones holding Lily and Neon hostage, and that if they die everyone will know it was Sila's fault and know she's a pervert who gets off on killing loving mothers. If they keep quiet then maybe Glip will keep them alive, or maybe not.

conflict resolution, by glip

Glip yells at Sila some more, then gets mad at them for driving them to do this. Sila cares more about jerking the characters around than how it hurts Glip so much when she does that! :( Glip says that this actually made them stop caring about Lily and Neon, because caring about them turned into endless suffering for Glip. I wonder if this could have been avoided if they just banned Sila when they suggested a script that creeped them out in the first place. Just spitballing though. "Who cares, it's just a comic" they say. Who cares indeed.

Glip says Sila radiates violent and murderous feelings and thinks that Sila would physically attack them if they met in real life. You're a dangerous person, Glip says, sorry you had to hear it from me. :( So they say they'll just kill Lily and Neon off right now. I mean, I guess it's not like Glip was even doing anything with them at this point, is it so much of a loss?

Just in case you were wondering, Glip then takes an opportunity to tell you how much they enjoyed writing this callout and screaming at this rando for hours. Callouts are great and cathartic! I guess people get their kicks in all sorts of ways.

call outs are great! not when they're about me though

Papaya laughs, saying that it's just a story. "Stories with no basis in reality don't matter", it says, although then it crosses "don't matter" out and replaces it with "creates that reality".

As threatened, we return to Lily and Neon. Neon says that something's been bothering her. Lily asks her what it is, while narration says THIS IS THE SCHOOLYARD DISEASE, THIS IS WHAT'S ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR. Spite, apparently. Actually that adds up.

Neon says that she's really scared of Lily, that entering this chamber with her and trying to teach her about what's going on is terrifying because she knows she looks like a traitor. Lily breaks, again, finally, whatever that means. Everyone in this comic is breaking constantly. Anyway, she doesn't know why Neon would talk about being a traitor, like she's forgotten that Neon told her exactly why. To be fair that was a pretty long time ago.

Lily wonders if Neon really feels bad about it or if it's just paranoia. Not sure how those two things are different. Why was she joking about something so serious? she wonders. Neon is a stranger, right? It gets crossed out and replaced with danger.

Neon says that this is what she's talking about, when she says again and again that she doesn't want Lily to kill her and Lily doesn't respond. Neon says she's had nightmares for years about Lily killing her (with beholding sirens involved somehow presumably) and that Lily acts like that never happened and just makes jokes and makes Neon feel good, and it doesn't add up to Neon. Neon can't tell if she's paranoid or if Lily is hiding how much she wants to kill her.

looks a bit like a rabbit

"I can feel it again, the way you hide your violent thoughts," Neon says. "You can't get mad or you'll snap and kill me, because Jupet's gone and I caused it." Not sure if this is due to the Jupet going into Beleth thing or Lily getting stuck on the wrong frequency. Neon says she can finally feel Lily's malice. She doesn't know what to do other than try to fix it, and says she'd try to fix it even if Lily wasn't here and Jupet wasn't gone, and she apologizes.

The Schoolyard Disease starts trying to take root in Lily's heart, where it would bring them full circle and begin them anew. But something about Neon said sticks with her. Had she said something new?

Lily feels ashamed of herself. She didn't think Neon would notice all of her violent negative feelings, but she did because she was scared and quiet and loving. I'll just have to take Lily's word for it. Neon noticed Lily leaking violence and hostility and somehow managed to apologize for it. That phrasing is a bit weird I think.

look into my eyes

Lily connects to the feelings she'd been lying to herself about. She'd almost scared Neon to death! This should be in its own separate VN, why it's tacked onto this rant is beyond me. No wait, it's because this scene is written out of spite, that's right.

Lily says that she's tried to kill Sylvan a hundred thousand times, but he can't die. He always comes back to life because he's a necropossum. This explains that mention of coming back to life so long ago with Jupet. Lily then says she can also never die, he can never kill her and she can never kill him. She describes it like she dies, then decides she just didn't die and ends up back here, and then takes it out on Neon. Neon also always comes back. "Are we monsters?" Lily wonders. I have to say, finding out that Lily and Neon are trapped in an endless cycle of death, murder, and rebirth with each other has made their relationship way more interesting. Oh no I'm part of the problem!!

Abruptly, they're back in the Amdusias pony form. Lily wants to say she'd never murder Neon, but she's not entirely sure that's true. She misses Jupet terribly. Lily says that she's not scared of not recognizing Jupet when she sees them again, but of them not recognizing her. She says she knows she wasn't a good mother sometimes, and wonders if that's what factored into them leaving.

She wasn't trying to blame Neon for her feelings about what Sylvan did to Jupet (will we ever find out?), and tells Neon that it's not her fault that all this happened. She's ashamed she hurt her and isn't sure what possessed her to do that.

Anyway, Sinpony collapses on the ground next to white Beleth, we're back at the end of... Schoolyard Disease? Is that the VN I'm thinking of? Anyway, Sinpony feels three other consciousnesses leave it or be forgotten. There's an odd bit about wishing for the universe to take her identity and leaving her with a life of malice for her and her child.

lily?

Not sure what to make of that. Sinpony talks to Beleth like they're her child but doesn't know why. This freaks Beleth out a bit. They say Beleth's memory isn't all there and they shouldn't play dumb, asking why they're playing the same tricks as their father ("may i remind you what a horrible monster he is?"). They weren't always a doll and they can't keep this charade up, Sinpony says.

Beleth breaks (everyone breaks!) and realizes that they don't have a childhood or a past and that maybe something's controlling them. They realize their body is indestructible and that's boring and wonder what death is like, then flip out at Sinpony and threaten to kill them for "touching her memory." Sinpony is terrified and has no idea what they're talking about. Unable to tell Beleth that they just want to see their child again, they pass out.

Anyway we cut back to CC. Sadly they seem to have escaped Bugsy's rule thanks to their "forcesight" to do a bunch of redacted things. They say that the paranoia on Neon had incubated and turned into Socketpuppet because of Beleth. Or Bugsy. Fine, whatever.

i'm the good guy

It does say that CC tried to protect Lily/Neon/Chip from getting their identities eaten, which doesn't really match what we were shown in that VN at all. CC then says she has to deliver a mask to its recipient because they've solved an instance of Schoolyard Disease by predicting what hurt to do in advance! Oh man, remember that?? I actually had to go back and reread it because it was already barely explained to begin with. I think solving an instance of Schoolyard Disease has now told them who they need to deliver the mask to.

Call-Clout remembers that this is where Median isn't saved, because Beleth is busy arguing with Sinpony over there. Beating a dead horse, am I right! Anyway Andre said a long time ago that without Median the plague spreads out of control and everyone dies. Oops! Srinivasa says they hate this world as much as they love it, and that they don't even feel real anymore, just a thing being manipulated by their mask. Stardrop warned you about this.

Call-Clout wants to take off the mask and just exist, but it'll look like the Unmasked Sun (Glip) and no one will help them then. So unfair. :( CC says the shift is inevitable and that they've lost this round and three identities. CC has a big hole in their chest and Socketpuppet shows up and eyes it. CC bleeding out summons an ENCORE (but wasn't Encore already here...?)

Encore shows up and says they can take the hole away from CC's chest, although CC is too weak to say anything with Socketpuppet nearby. It has a thorny ring looped into it like a keyring.

i guess you can call for multiple encores

CC says they're not good and are tired of playing the villain. Encore says they'll do it instead and they'll give them what they deserve, a fair trial. CC laughs at the idea, asking Encore where they were when they got blamed for the plague and exiled back in the Masked Sun VN. Socketpuppet lols in the background and again sizes up the hole in CC's chest.

CC calls them an idiot, resonating with "the entire cycle Socketpuppet had completed", and the hole in their chest congeals and becomes a Circlet of the Sun. Title drop! After all this time what is it?? What's the circlet of the sun??? What is it???

It's just the receipts of what Sila did.

the secret of this callout is... that it's a callout

Anyway CC rambles on disjointedly about exaggerating feelings and some talk of suicide and Sila assaulting her brother or mom or something, I can't keep track of this since it's not explained and I don't care. This is already so long and we're so close to the end...! CC goes on to describe malice and I thought maybe Glip was describing themselves but I think it's supposed to be directed at Sila. Not sure how I could've mixed that up!

got a face made of taffy

There's also a "diagram" that looks a lot like a uterus.

and some fallopian tubes i suppose

Anyway out of nowhere, Ms. Warmheart appears again. CC asks her to help them by yelling at CC as if she's yelling at Socketpuppet. Warmheart is peeved and says that CC already has a "little doll" in back to play with, and says that this is why CC got into this mess in the first place, their little experiments. Anyway CC and Warmheart and Socketpuppet argue and it's boring and doesn't make a lot of sense. Malice gets brought up again. Warmheart does say that CC is some kind of abomination that holds multiple souls and identities within themselves though.

She also mentions razing the land again! I remember that getting mentioned before. It's not explained any more here than it was back then.

burn it all to the ground

CC pulls out the mask they were supposed to deliver, saying it's time to eat it. Socketpuppet demands it but CC gives it to Warmheart instead, although she seems pretty hesitant about the whole thing. Encore meanwhile makes a big circlet portal and goes through it, figuring everyone else can handle it on their own. They wonder what they'll do when this frequency is completely drained of magic. They shrug and say it's just the natural consequence of trying to solve a problem by lying to yourself.

Mr. 5 meanwhile is covered with worthworms while everyone else is doing other things. What'll he do now, the narration wonders? Die, hopefully. Encore keeps going down a hole and Glip brings up being cancelled again out of nowhere.

this red circle is about to charge

Encore, looking sillier and sillier as they go, yells at Sila again. I thought at first they were yelling at themselves sarcastically but now I think it's genuine yelling at Sila? It's weird how the same accusations seem to fit between the two of them. Probably a coincidence.

/srs or /j? /srs or /j?????

There's more yelling at Sila, along with accusations of trying to kill herself to make Glip feel bad. It goes on and on for a while and then Glip's like "let me make it a violent cartoon, you like those!" and Bugsy shows up again. Bugsy likes punching things but sometimes feels bad about it and doesn't know why. What could it mean? At one point Bugsy holds up a list of all the people Glip's ever hurt and says they'll hold Glip accountable for it if Glip hurts them like they've ever hurt anyone ever. Just in case it's too subtle, Glip's name is scribbled out.

Bugsy wearing a fetching bra

There's more yelling at Sila. Glip/Encore says that when Bugsy acts like their bad feelings are reality, it erases theirs. They then say that that's fine, let's talk more about Bugsy's feelings. Let's make sure the rest of the story is agreeing with Bugsy! Let's see what happens, Glip says.

We go back to Clear Watching, WHERE ANGELS GO TO DIE. There are two new inmates in the cell of the prison (the channel on the discord, remember), Lily and Neon. No one ever escapes Clear Watching, where angels are held against their will for as long as the judge deems appropriate.

Glip appears and mocks them for being stupid enough to have their identities stolen/raped, especially by Bugsy of all people. Lily and Neon look on and while we saw Glip in a disguise, they see Encore as Encore. They say they've seen this creature in their dreams, overlooking every instance of Schoolyard Disease. Let's do it all again, let's see the tragedy from the top! Encore says. That does fit with what we know about Schoolyard Disease, to be fair.

The narration scolds Lily for not being a good mom, saying that Jupet is off hurting people all the time, with no idea how their mere presence brings plagues into existence. Jupet's getting hurt because they were never told that hurting others was bad, since Lily herself is good at hurting others. Lily feels bad and decides to swear off violence.

Since Lily can't die, there were never any consequences for killing others, so she just got used to it. Lily is upset, telling herself that killing shouldn't be normal, but it's become normal to her. Lily can't tell Jupet that what they're doing is wrong because she can't connect with Jupet's feelings without infecting them with an unnatural bloodlust, and leaves the feelings that Jupet picks up on anyway unexplained. While this is going on Lily is turning into a worm for some reason.

a furry slinky

Lily tries to understand what's happening to her as a constellation (Stardrops rule about reading stars?) appears on her. She must have stolen someone else's identity, she wonders, because why else would someone be stealing hers? It must be her fault and she deserves this, she reasons. She becomes a full furry slinky called Salivent, the cyclic solvent, swearing that she'll solve this problem if it's the last thing she does. Don't know why the saliva theme with her.

Some scribbles yell about victim blaming. I have no idea who they're supposed to be. Glip I assume.

odd equivalence i think

On closer inspection I THINK it's supposed to be Lily talking about being raped and Encore talking over her, but again I'm not sure. Encore goes on with more victim blaming and then says this is boring. Lily screams how this can be boring, and Encore says she's seen this hundreds of times. Lily swears off violence and then kills Neon again. Lily insists that she's changed and isn't like that anymore, and Encore says oh, like all those other times you said you wouldn't kill her? And Lily stays quiet.

Lilyworm writhes in her cell about how no one believes she's changed even though she says she has and how unfair that is. It's disgusting that Lilyworm thinks its intentions matter, someone says, no one cares. The "acid" escapes Lilyworm's throat and she says "why don't you like me" which isn't what she meant to say, and it gets rewritten to "why don't you believe me".

Neon has now merged with Obverse for whatever reason, asking why Lily would think she doesn't like them. Maybe it's because she doesn't like her. I'm not making a joke, that's what it says. It's implied by font though that it might be Obverse saying it and not her.

simple enough

Lilyworm screams "why won't you believe me" while Obverseneon says she does... believe she likes hurting her! Oh! Got you good!! It actually might be Obverse saying that though. They go on to say that they believe they don't like Lily, while what I think is Neon says that she does believe her. There's a bunch of rambling about Obverseneon believing Lily hates her and such and she's scared.

Obverseneon, with the subtitle Obnoxiously Oblivious, gets to a chalkboard to explain how she's wrong. There are more faux mathematics as we AGAIN go to the same theme, where Obverseneon thinks that she must not have been expressing her love for Lily correctly if Lily had to ask in the first place, so the blame is on her. She reasons that Lily is asking because she hasn't actually changed, otherwise she wouldn't ask. Whatever.

Obverseneon laughs about how funny this all is and how they could ever expect Lilyworm to change. "We're just feelings machines" she says, "none of this is real and never has been". Lilyworm also has a stupid face, kind of looks like a playground kiddy ride.

or an indie horror game villain

#floraverse

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dapperinsanity · 10 months ago

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Sometimes I oddly feel bad for enjoying a fanon version of a character, everytime I see someone complain about it. Like I understand that it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but some of the complaints I’ve seen in general, act like it’s a sin. As if to make someone feel bad for portraying said character, out of character ya know?

Of course, this doesn’t apply to extreme situations like fans forcing a creator to make fanon, canon for example. I’m just talking about the harmless stuff where fans are just doing their own thing and still respect canon, the creator, and etc. If it’s not your cup of tea then that’s fine and even complaining is fine, just don’t act like someone writing a character OOC, is the worst possible thing and making them feel bad. It’s just harmless fun, why don’t we all calm down.

I don’t know if I’m being dramatic as well but it just rubs me the wrong way you know? Usually, I’m not the type of person to be bothered by something like this. I can handle people hating on stuff I highly enjoy and not bat an eye but there’s just something about this that gets to me a little. You could say my special interest is the suckiest thing ever and that it’s shitty and boring and I’ll be like “you’re valid” because it’s just an opinion. Not everyone is going to like the same things.

Maybe it has something to do with living through the years where cringe was big thing. Back when Mary sue’s/Gary Stu’s were a thing. OC or S/I x canon was considered cringe and something that should be stopped. That and being constantly shit on for the things I enjoyed and being the weird kid.

Again, if you don’t like it that’s fine but this person is just having fun you know? I’m surprised that after all these years that there’s such thing as anti-cringe because the internet in my younger years, was BRUTAL. Also,this doesn’t apply to genuine educational criticism by the way. Criticism can help an individual improve and it isn’t an attack. I’m sure you all get what I mean by complaints rather than criticism.

But yeah, I think I’m just tired of some people still complaining as we’re somewhat at a time where cringe is culture is dead or at least dying in some way. Oh and most people know how to ignore a thing they don’t like instead of giving fans of that thing hate. I mean complaints are even fine, it just gets bad when those complaints start shaming people and commanding others to stop having their harmless fun. Again, this doesn’t apply to the problematic fans. More so, just a general fan or even a casual fan having harmless fun.

Like who cares if they portray a character as OOC just because fans want to self indulge in said character? Ie. said character who is portrayed as more romantic and flirtatious than they actually are or making hot human versions of non human characters. Those are two common things that come to mind. Theres a lot more but you get it. Obviously I’m not talking about the problematic portrayals and stereotypes, btw. If that’s how someone interprets a character, then so be it. Not everyone interprets media in the same way.

Note: This is where I go off topic and end up ranting about a childhood experience I had that is (sorta?) related to this topic.

Again, could just be a me thing. I grew up on people shitting on my interests for many years in childhood to the point where I’d get rid of an interest because someone else found out it to be cringey. I did it to fit in and make friends and wanted to avoid getting bullied (both by peers and adults *cough* family members). Also, to avoid being “annoying” somehow. I was ashamed of my interests. Like yeah, I could give less of a shit now if someone finds me annoying, as we all know people that can be annoying at times.

I admit I know for a fact I had my moments growing up but that was mainly due to my undiagnosed adhd. Despite that, I always tried not be “annoying” and would genuinely “dial back” about my interests. Then I became genuinely confused when I thought I was not being annoying and on my best behavior. Turns out my peers just didn’t like me because I was the weird kid and could care less about me but you get my point right?

I’ll never forget a moment where another student in my elementary years told me (in response to me asking if he knew about a movie I love) that “yeah I know about that movie. You never shut up about it”. Mind you this was a peer I hardly talked too so the only way he knew I wouldn’t “shut up” about it was because he overheard my conversations with my friends who also enjoyed the same movie and didn’t mind talking about it with me.

And most of the time, I only brought up my interests as an absolute last resort topic of conversation and made sure to keep myself in check most of the time. Other than that, I preferred to talk about other things my friends wanted to talk about and to listen to them. I have more fun with that than me just infodumping about my interests. I’ve always been that way. If my interests come up in a conversation that usually means that me and my friends have nothing else to talk about. Silence usually meant a bad thing and I didn’t want people to feel like I was ignoring them. If I didn’t know what else to say, I chose a topic I found engaging rather than engaging in small talk.

Basically it can all be summed up as “why can’t people let me enjoy the things I like in peace?” Cause good grief, am I all too familiar with that chaos.

But yeah, rant over.

#op rambles #tagging as vent just in case #vent #rant #can you tell I’ve been having a lot of things on my mind lately?#I’ll make a tag for those who want me to stfu lol #op please stfu #there’s the tag there ya go yall

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sweetfickle · 1 year ago

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I think there comes a time in everyone’s life where you just have to say enough. Enough fighting. Enough arguing. Enough crying.

I treated Isaac like a king. At family dinners I made sure that he was always served first. Anytime we were out I made sure to make him feel like he was number one. Always.

In bed I always wanted him to be made to feel like the most important man in the world.

In life, I doted over him and made his wants and needs priority. He was beyond my everything and all I wanted to show him how much he meant to me.

In the end it was never enough.

Since May 9th 2023, my life has been turned frantically upside down. I lost everything and thought in that I had gained the love of my life. My partner. My soulmate.

I could not have been more wrong. All I gained was a man with insecurities and self doubt. Someone who had no idea who he was or what he had in this new life I had provided for him.

Constant heartache and defending of myself. Never any time to get to know each other since the marriage was done in a fever. Yes. I will admit that I married him so I wouldn’t lose him. I am not ashamed of that. What I am ashamed of though is how I treated everyone else while I was drowning in this abuse.

It wasn’t hard for me to see the signs but I flat out ignored them. I saw the signs from the very first date night we had in Savannah. We argued that night. It was petty and stupid and I walked away from him then. What I shouldn’t have done was go back up to that motel room. See I opened my fat mouth with my honesty and told him I was uncomfortable in the situation where I was staying after the fire. Which then led to accusing me ever single day since. I know exactly when it started.

When we were at David’s house and I saw his star ate behaviors of staying up all night and then finding slumping over in his truck in the morning. The constant texts. The always showing up to my work. The “what are you doings” 20 times a day. I saw it. And still I denied it. I denied it to myself.

I wrote beautiful words about him and how he was the one and how I never felt this way about another human being. I was lying. Lying to myself at least but I didn’t know it. Lying to everyone because they all knew the truth about him.

I do not doubt that Isaac loved me. I just believe that Isaac loved me in a way that is only evident to Isaac. He has no ability to show love or compassion. He demonstrated that multiple times. Again. I denied it was true.

How can anyone hurt a person every day and still be ok with themselves? It will forever be a riddle in my mind. Always with the questions and worries and never just enjoying the life we have that is so short to begin with.

The only thing I have ever wanted in life was to be happy and share a wonderful life with a good husband. I don’t ask for much of a man I don’t think. The bare minimum of anything. Love, loyalty and respect. That should be a given in any relationship.

Maybe the world has become to fixated on the narcissistic behaviors of people nowadays.

The internet is filled with abuse survivors and TikTok’s that show therapists stating the red flags you should watch out for. But honestly, it is inevitable that at some point you will find yourself with someone so wrapped up in their own warped sense of reality that you will not see it coming until it hits you square in the face.

There is a silver lining to all of this though.

God brought me this man so I could help his children. Five souls who were basically abandoned by the one man that they thought had their best interest at heart. A mother who left them for drugs. A rough upbringing.

They needed me and I needed them. I really did. I didn’t know it at the time but thinking back to everything that I had dreamed of in my life, the were destined to be in it with me.

I love these children. Grown and not grown all at the same time. I will never know if they love me back for what I give them spiritually or financially but regardless I have love for them that spans the rest of my time here in this earth.

My own biological children have always been my heart and soul. But there is always room in one’s heart to love without condition as many that need it.

All in all this has been a whirlwind of adventure. I’ll call it that because anything else would make it a sad story. And this story isn’t over. There so only light to be shed on it.

I pray to the good Lord everyday that he guides me on the right path and forgives me for my crimes and sins. For I know what I do but not why I do it. One day, I will understand it all. Until then, life is a journey or your own making. Choose love over hate, good over evil. Give and love without condition. You will be rewarded.

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sfmg · 2 years ago

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1/?

I am feeling very cringe and very much struggling in an engineering university that I am in right now, and I MUST get to a better one. For that I need to do well here and do a lot of extra stuff so I am starting the academia 100 day productivity type thing where I write a debrief at the end of each day to say how I only did 20% of what I was planning again, but not 100 days and just indefinitely, 100 days would be just a nice milestone, BUT ALSO WITH A TWIST!

I AM EXTREMELY DUMB AND IRRESPONSIBLE AS OF WRITING THIS

I am studying aerospace engineering snd I am very unfancy. I have seen a lot of posts starting this sort of thing and watched tons of videos. People have plans and stuff figured out, extremely effective schedules and stuff and I have been miserably failing on thay front. People have cute tidy tables, lots of gadgets to help them focus, going to libraries and reading stuff. I.... have none of that. My table is a mess, I have practically given up on using textbooks, my monthly money allowance is negative, the most fancy piece of technology are my laptop and my phone(birthday gift :3), I don't even need them to be fancy right now, our university library is unavailable to study at, my dorm apartment is the size of a dumpster and full of cockroaches, and I share it with 2 other people.

I think you got the idea. I am tired of blogs with soft tidy and often rich (by my standards) study experience. I have no grudge against people who do them however, that would be dumb, I just want more representation of the raw dirty grind where my routine environment is a STALKER-like experience.

So anyways my goals are simple so far: survive the midterms and maybe be french sometimes. For that I start off small: 3 hours of out of class studying per day at least, not a lot but if I start big I will quickly flop and be ashamed of myself. 3 hours studying whatever I see fit for the day is enough for now. I believe that some accountability to strangers on the internet will help me have a bar below which I do not procrastinate and eventually grow into a more responsible hard working person. A bit of a cringe way to do that I feel, but as an engineer, a man of science, I must first "fuck around and find out" to judge the method. I am glad to say I already did study today but relatively inconsequential. Finished my physics homework (fingers crossed I won't have to redo it), did some lineal algebra homework, didn't finish it though, went through some notes on statics, rewrote homework for theoretical mechanics, does doing a bit of Duolingo counts as studying?

How the uni and dorm look like

Some background on me if you for some reason want to know how am I in aerospace engineering while being unresponsible and why I need to get to a better uni. I pretty much failed most of my school but at the last 2 years started getting good, not good enough to be accepted to Purdue or UIUC as I started getting ambitious too late. Failed to go to a community college because of unfortunate political decisions made by the assholes running my country. Now I am enrolled in the (supposedly) best engineering university of Russia and have to make my escape, because I really don't want to study engineering here. Living? We'll see in like 10 years, maybe I'll come back. I haven't seen people in a situation similar to mine but if you are one of them then I will be glad to serve as an inspiration.

I may be dumb and have severe problems with socialisation and organisation. But I know one thing about myself: I never give up and neither should you

#academia #university #studying #academics #100 days of productivity

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honey-olive · 2 years ago

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Not again

4kota fan-fiction

Aprox 550 words (see AN at the end)

******************************************

Fuck

Not again. Not now. It always happens when he… when…

Don’t think about it. Ignore it. Ignore your body trembling gritting movements, not that they matter.

They asked for it. They wanted to kill him. His friends. His family. They wanted to take their hope.

They were evil. He had the right, no, the duty to end this. He knew that. But it still made him sick. Thoughts of dread and despair. There was something so nauseating of hearing a person’s thoughts go silent. Knowing that they go silent because of him.

Sometimes, he bet he could hear memories of loved ones pop in their heads for a fraction of a second. A mother, a father, a kid. It was a final cry for help. Their last breath seeking comfort and forgiveness when it was too late.

He swallowed the bitter thought. His head was starting to feel dizzy as he took the bodies and one by one buried them.

He couldn’t afford to be so goddam soft.

He had to show Percy how it’s done. Don’t show emotions. Keep it inside. Do what you need to do.

He kept going. Now they were asking him questions. Lancelot had to keep the explanations simple. A servant of Lioness in a mission… Yes, Lioness! They needed to go to Lioness. It was about time they did.

“The guy with the star visor, and the giant craftsman dude… what do they have to do with that?”

Fuck Percy. Please... Give me a break.

“That’s my personal business. Nothing you need to be concerned about.” That should suffice for now. For now…

Lancelot placed a seed on the dirt above the bodies. They can continue to exist, to give life on the forest. Nothing ended. It merely continues in an endless cycle. Their bodies can serve a better purpose buried in the soil.

He reminded himself that their deaths were not unjustified or unreasoned. They had a purpose. And he would honor their lives to finally let them go. The only clemency they could get. And the only forgiveness he could reach. A proper burial for the ones that died in battle.

Let that free him from the guilt. Let that allow them to live on.

“Are you from the fairy clan perhaps?” Good question from Nasiens. He had a sharp mind, that Lancelot knew for sure. Totally opposite to Percival, who’s astonishment and joy was only comparable to that of a toddler.

“Lemme try this real quick!” ‘Poop poop poop poop’

“Huh?” There he goes. Percy being the most stupid kid Lancelot has ever seen. “I’m not saying it!”

They don’t seem to understand at all. Hopeless.

Well, maybe not…

In fact, he almost wanted to laugh. Percival was one of the knights of prophecy, and his friends were his allies. And yet, they were all dorks.

No time to think too long. Lancelot felt something approaching. That black knight had come for Percival again. They were being excessively loud and obnoxious. Too bad they wouldn’t get what they had come to take.

“Sorry, we don’t have time to play with you.” They wouldn’t waste any more time. “We’re heading out.” His mission was over. He got to teach these kids a thing or two. He got to see them grow. And now, it was over, not in echo gorge as he once thought. They managed to come this far… They still had a long way to go. But that only shows their potential.

******************************************

A/N

Fun fact! I wrote this when chapter 50 came out. But I never posted it, cause I felt like it was too short and idk, I kinda lost interest in it, and felt ashamed of posting it. The point is, I was looking at my random drafts and saw this, and I remember a post by @grace-of-flash when they said they were scared of posting something they made. And ofc I was all like “go ahead and post!” But I realized I didn’t follow that advice. And I haven’t post any of my writing here, so I thought ‘why not’.

I mean, isn’t that the internet for?

Anyways. I hope I begin to follow my advice more often. I like writing a lot, but when I think of posting I just kinda get too scared to post and end up leaving things half done. Anywho. If you read this thanks, hahahs I just vented there, I love you, you’re doing great, please believe in yourself.

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jjkpls · 4 years ago

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the wishlist (m) - 3

“You used it.”

> genre : smut, fluff

> pairing : jeon jungkook x reader (f)

> words : 4.2k

> content/warnings : back at it again w/ the bff2l; one sided love, lot of pining; sextoys talk and use; explicit language; masturbation (f); ambiguous infidelity; awkward oc; koo being cute but insufferable

previous - next

For about a week and a half, you simply ignore the outrageous box sitting in the centre of your living room.

If you omit to remember what’s inside, it’s just a nice-looking decoration, embellishing your messy coffee table. It’s perfectly fine sitting between the unopened mails and the takeout brochures. You see Jungkook glance at it each time he comes over but he has the decency to not mention it. You might have read a little disappointment but he didn’t share it with you, not wanting to bother you, as you rightfully assumed, and in any case, you’re just doing exactly what you said you would: not use it.

Then comes a glorious day of resting from work for you, and miraculously it matches your two closest girl friends' schedules and they owe to come over, celebrate a belated Christmas with you. And as you’re quickly tidying up the place, the question of the box being way too present here is raised again. They will ask about it. One will surely open it before you even get to answer.

The box has to go.

And in your room, hidden in your bedside table where you know no one will peak, it goes.

When you wake up from the fantastic, long-awaited Christmas celebration, it’s with a terrible headache. Mary, the amateur singer, received a ridiculous karaoke mic and if karaoke is involved, so is alcohol. You didn’t know that but apparently, you can get a severe almost deadly hangover from rosé. Well. Starting this new year already learning new things, how great.

One thing that’s unchanged for this new year, as it seems, is Jungkook's talent for psychic arts. He somehow knows you need a copious breakfast made with love and by him, and the curious hangover shot only his roommate has the secret recipe of, to cope with being alive this morning.

“Hello, Sunshine.” Your face feels so bloated and tensed at the same time like it’s made of playdoh and some devilish kid came and punched at it then squished it hard with its chubby mean fingers.

Very unpleasant.

You know you have very little to do with a ray of sunshine at the moment. You're more alike a gremlin or something. Therefore, as a gremlin would, you groan an answer. You catch through the minuscule slits you now own for eyelids a grin from him. It’s not even vexing or upsetting. His lovely, lovely smile is always a blessing. It’s the only thing that makes you not want to head back to bed and just sleep until death ensues. The pretty, pretty thing. With the big bunny front teeth. He is the sunshine.

“Had fun last night?” He asks, still grinning, once he’s served you and himself two good plates of pancakes. He’s sitting in front of you, in front of this delicious looking good, yet he’s ogling you with a strange insistence. When he starts eating because you take too long to formulate a response, he munches slowly, still staring, instead of stuffing his face and swallow down the whole thing like a starving man, like he usually does.

“Yeah. They spoiled me.” You say, quietly. You’re confused. You feel uneasy like there’s something you’re not getting. You hate this feeling. Usually, this friendship is filled with inside jokes you can make up exclusively via telepathy. But here you’re missing something, it feels. Or you might just be confused by the headache and possibly somehow still a bit drunk.

“Oh did they?” The beam is even wider. You frown, nod, decide that it’s too early and your brain too foggy to try and investigate a confusion that might just be the product of your imagination.

It doesn’t click then. It doesn’t click the next three times he asks you again, with slightly different formulations if, really, you had fun last night.

He departs an hour later because he has an appointment with a client, as always leaving some of himself for your guilty pleasure and the marking on your eyelids of that curious grin. That curious mischievous grin. With the crooked shape, the white teeth looking menacing like a wolve’s and the eyebrows arched in suggestion.

How come such an attractive look can be so anxiety-inducing? You’re too fidgety, too confused and concerned to focus on anything. Remnants of the conversation rolling back again and again, trying to make sense of things that probably do not necessitate further explaining.

The whole ordeal made you so nervous, you end up after an hour of trying to go about your day and failing poorly, sitting on your sofa, lotus style, eyes closed and hands turned up to the universe (hoping It might offer you some clearance It would just drop off in your palms). The thing is meditating is hard. Making so your brain would shut the fuck up is hard as hell. And you suck at it.

Spoiler alert, you don’t reach the state of inner peace and quiet you wished to find. Instead, you make enough silence for your noggins to be more performing and suddenly it hits. Your eyes grow ten times in size, you almost fall from your sit for the shock is violent.

The moron.

You or him, probably both.

You

I did NOT use it.

You

I put it away because the girls were coming over but I DID NOT USE IT

He simply replies with a winking emoji and you hate him for it.

You

Jeon Jungkook, ur a dick I said I wouldnt use it EVER and I won’t, have a nice day moron.

And again, this time, you mean it. You’ve never said anything with this much conviction in these twenty-five years of living.

Why would you now? When you now have experienced what it felt to have him look at you thinking you’ve done it. It felt mortifying without even knowing why. In all the case scenarios you could have come up with, you’ve never imagined that one. You would use it, he would know about it somehow, he wouldn’t be disgusted (it wouldn’t make sense for him to be as he is the one who offered it to you but your brain and soft ego sometimes are annoying like that), he would be amused, maybe content, but he wouldn't make you feel mortified.

Having him considering you in a sexual position should be... cool, shouldn’t it? If you really like him that much. Maybe you were confused all along and actually, you don’t, you mistook your own feelings.

Just a quick check of a mental picture you have of him, the fond smile growing just from his pretty face with the pretty everything on it can’t be trusted because, for all you know, everyone smiles this way when they think about him. On the other hand, the swift blush invading your cheeks when you (by accident) linger on parts you really really like about him -like his thighs or the man titties he’s been growing lately- serve to remind you that yes, yes indeed you like him.

But he’s an asshole.

No matter how much you thought about it (and you thought about it a lot even though you’re ashamed to admit it), you've never consider it to realize, you never and you still don’t believe anything non-platonic would ever happen with him. You’re just made to be friends. The best of friends but still just friends.

Not even taking a step but simply dipping the tips of your toes in these unknown waters turns out to be terrifying and you're mad at him because he’s putting you in this situation where you feel awfully uneasy.

It should all remain a very personal, very intimate fantasy: your attraction for him.

He cracked the wall for a second, it felt wrong and terrible but it’s done and over with now.

It’s only you and your thoughts.

You don’t ever mention it, he doesn’t bring it back up. Soon the season of celebrations and wishes is behind you, the world starts rolling slowly, boringly so with its lots of little annoyances and distractions and you’re not even thinking about it anymore, neither is he.

You’re stressed out. Work is being a bitch as it does. And because it sucks most of your time and patience, the only quick way to unwind you know comes to play.

But the hassle is not worth it. Unfortunately this you always need to realize afterwards. After having searched the internet for good masturbatory content for half an hour, working yourself for two hours and then, there’s the safety wee and the freshening up before bed, to wake up the next morning feeling like shit because of course, you sacrificed hours of sleep for an unsatisfactory outcome.

It’s not worth it.

It hasn’t been for months. Even if you’re still more able to take care of yourself and pleasure yourself better than most if not all men you’ve ever been with, something is missing: a man (or maybe just a dick).

You feel bored and empty (in both senses). Stuck because the more you need to unwind, the more you try, the less you feel better.

It’s the snake biting its own tail.

Until a certain pretty blue box, sleeping inside your bedside table, recalls itself to you. It feels like a century had passed since the box arrived in your life, it doesn’t seem as scary as it used to, as stressful. The fact that Jungkook hasn’t mentioned it, might even has himself forgotten about it, help immensely.

And it is the very moment, you forget to remember about this promise you made to him and yourself, the promise that you would not use it.

Right about now, not only stressed and annoyed by everything but also horny for no particular reason, this dildo with the box that matches your planner sounds ideal.

And it is ideal.

Feels like exactly what you needed. The size is not ridiculously big, it’s fairly tiny actually but given you haven’t had sex in a while, it suffices to stretch you out just fine. It’s new and exciting. The texture feels really nice, smooth, slipping perfectly right between your walls. It’s rather long, slightly curved, filling you in deep and teasing the spot that you could never even dream of reaching with your short ass fingers. And in no time (and you actually regret that) you’re on cloud 9, it’s a thought of the Santa that brought this blessing of a gift in your life that sends you there. You feel satisfied, content, fulfilled from the tip of your hair to your toes, smiling like an idiot because damn, that was a good orgasm.

Right this moment, you feel fine about using the present. About quickly having thought about him too because it’s not that much of a big deal. He won’t know about it. He doesn’t really seem to care about your sex life anymore (which is, ironically, a blessing). Therefore why should there be a problem? Why would there be?

Apparently, you’ve underestimated the crankiness of your attitude for the few weeks that passed before the phenomenal orgasm.

Apparently, you had been the worst kind of truculent bitch there is, to a level you didn’t even know you could reach (also no one told you!), because when Jungkook meets up with you, maybe after the third or fourth times of having used your lovely new companion, he noticed something has changed. Instantly.

“What’s going on?” He asks with a bright smile and excited shiny eyes as if he expects you to have great news to share.

“Nothing special...” Tilting your head to the side, you drag the words out as you try to think about it for a second, wondering if there’s something that needs to be told.

“Really?” He sucks on his banana yoghurt with eyebrows frowned, staring at you as if he’s studying you. Once the thing is empty, he tosses it in a nearby bin, crosses his arms on his chest and glares. He looks like a detective about to interrogate you. He would look intimidating if it were not for his lips, sucked in to gather the last taste of his yoghurt. “You look awfully happy.”

“Do I?” It makes you smile, shrug your shoulders. It doesn’t hit just then. It should be fine. He can’t unravel something that you don’t even have knowledge of, can he? But Jungkook is a little weasel. He loves to know everything.

Especially when it’s about you.

“You better not be seeing anyone-“ You should wonder where this is coming from, all of a sudden. Instead, you take offence, how dares he?

“What do you mean ‘I better’? I do what-“

“Without telling me? You better not.” He has that shit-eating grin, his signature brat's smile, because he knows you can’t reach over the table to smack him in the head without risking to tip over your drinks or dip your sleeve in soja sauce.

“Anyway. Nothing's going on.” For a second, a staring contest takes place on this convenience store's terrace. You’re not sure why. He’s daring you for no reason. Until his mouth twitches, wanting to smile and it makes you laugh so he follows along. “Were you not supposed to tell me about your next appointment?”

“Client Amy, yes!” It shouldn’t make you laugh to hear him name her like that as it’s been his trademark to mention his clients as if they were Pokémon trainers but it does.

You’ve always thought that it’s his very personal way of living this childhood fantasy of existing within the Pokémon universe. His life is full of potential trainers. Most of the time it’s just Client Enter the Name here but sometimes it’s Baker Jin -who’s not actually a baker but a salesman at his neighbourhood’s bakery-, there’s Dancer Hoseok, who’s the main dance partner of his best friend and Roommate Park Jimin. Sometimes he calls you Friend Y/N, it’s frustratingly funny. You hate that you spill at least a nose snort at each and every single one of his stupid jokes. His grin always grows ten times bigger, his eyes twinkle in a lovely way but you know that you are encouraging him. Encouraging him to be fucking annoying, like a little brother who’s just pushing unfunny jokes too far, just keep repeating them because he knows he can get a reaction. “She wants me to tattoo the dragon from Spirited Away on her arm-“

You gasp and he smiles even wider.

“I know, right? And I was thinking- to give it flow, I would have it- like fly through cherry blossoms.” Attentively, you listen, squinting a bit when he gets technical to try and picture the project you have a hard time making up alone in your mind.

Imagination and creativity have always been his thing. He had you impregnated with it long ago because he is too passionate and too much of a sharer to allow you to keep away from all arts -because you can’t hold a pencil straight without panicking at the idea of having to draw something- which you would have gladly done if it weren't for him. He’s the gifted one. And his drawings, either on paper, screen or skin, have always been a subject of huge admiration for you. You’re a bit ashamed to admit it but you’ve never really touched to anything really artistic. You often don’t really get it. But his stuff does something to you -and not only because you adore him but actually impartially. There’s no finesse, no pertinency, no trait nor emotion you’ve acknowledged and connected to better than the ones he creates. “You know this scene where he’s struggling against the little paper thingies and he’s flying through them and they’re going everywhere, I was thinking that, replace them with cherry blossoms. And there would be little petals like everywhere around it. Sounds cool?”

“It sounds fantastic.” You say honestly. You’re impressed by every single one of his projects. Always surprised, somehow, by the pieces he ends up making. Sometimes scrolling through the Instagram page he uses as a book, where he publishes his most elaborated, most expensive pieces and while recognizing his touch, the delicacy in his traits, the peculiar curls of certain lines, the overall feel to them, there’s always this sort of paradoxical disbelief. How could this kid make these and at the same time, who else but him to have made these?

Cute nose scrunches up.

“I’ll send you my drawings when I’m done with them.”

“Cool.”

“Cool.” He is mimicking you. Same pose with the head nod and the leg cross. Same tone and same expression apart from the discreet light dancing in his eye. “So what’s up? You needed to talk to me about something yesterday, didn’t you?”

It takes a second for you to remember as the drastic change in your mood makes it seem the distressed text you sent him yesterday, right when you left work, was written a whole week ago. You don’t remember very well having felt so stressed and pissed off, pushed to your very limits by useless co-workers, that you felt the urgent need to rant about it all, vent your anger and frustration out to him. He was busy and didn’t answer right away. You got home, find the comfort of your sweater sitting on the warm heater and the glorious stand of your dildo and it all went away, bad mood, headache, grudges.

Of course, it awakes a wave of shame within you. If you have been able to use it without feeling guilt nor embarrassment on your own, it’s something else to think about it in front of Jungkook. You’ve made sure not to think about this dildo in front of him ever. But here, it’s him recalling it to you without even knowing.

Whatever, you can pretend that everything’s normal. With a barely natural cough, and the even more suspicious dismissive wave of the hand, you try to kill the conversation, “It was just my coworker getting on my nerves again, it’s whatever.”

Jungkook is watching you soundly. It’s nothing unusual for him. He’s the kind of persons that lean in when they listen to you, you never know how conscious they are of it but it’s like they really mean to make you feel important and heard. Therefore it shouldn’t worry you, he’s just doing his usual thing.

It still makes you grow increasingly more nervous.

It is factual that it is never “whatever”. The topic of your stupid dumb bitch of a coworker messing with you has always been a pressing subject you, every now and then, more often than you’d like, needed to ramble about to anyone willing to listen because she tended to make your life a pure living hell. The job sucks in itself but she made it a hundred times worse. And here you are, dismissing it. How suspicious.

“When you texted me yesterday, I thought it was for something bad.” He starts, frowning and staring deep inside the empty cookie package sitting on the table. “Then I saw you earlier and I thought it was for something really good, because of your face.”

“What’s up with my face?” You try to play it cool. Play it nonchalant and oblivious. If you can’t see the aura of contentment he can visibly observe around you, surely you’ve seen the glow up your skin has encountered since you’ve started using this sex toy. Unexpected benefit of using it that wasn’t even listed on the box, the stress it’s relieved and the pleasure it’s given have just cleared your skin out. Unbelievable but true. And apparently, he noticed.

“I don’t know. You look really... contented.”

“Contented?”

“Yeah...”

You shrug, looking down, at the crumbs on your side of the table, praying silently that the embarrassment you feel creeping up your face doesn’t show. “I’ve been used to you looking tired and all but you look-“ Like every single once of misery has been fucked out of your system. “Lately, you look... good.” The chosen adjective makes you tilt your head. For so many reasons, you didn’t expect to hear this one and for similar reasons, you don’t understand what he means. Without having you saying aloud anything, he gets your dubious grimace and chuckles, “Rejuvenated, actually.” Even worse.

To simplify in a few words, you used to look like an old decrepit hag and now that you’ve been thoroughly fucked -by yourself technically but still- you look rejuvenated. A word literally no one ever uses in real life.

You detest that he’s probably right. And now, embarrassment is not creeping but actually moving in, with all its stuff and luggage. Hopefully though, again, it doesn’t show on your stupid youthful face. “Are my compliments making you blush?”

Great.

“You can’t make me blush, moron. And if you think those were compliments then-“ You give him big wide eyes of “well fuck” and of course he laughs at that.

“Indeed, I can’t make you blush.” He has his serious, investigating type of expression again. You almost expect him to fetch a little notebook out of his pocket and start scribbling observations while asking you more questions.

“What’s making you blush then?”

“I’m not blushing, it’s just hot.” His eyebrows jump in a rude disagreeing curve. You don’t get why. It can happen, to be hot outside, at the near end of Korea’s winter, while simultaneously having red and painful looking fingers on the verge of congelation desperately seeking warmth in your pockets.

And maybe because it’s not the first time, he’s getting better at catching the signs, at drawing the lines in between the clues. Your caricatural post-orgasm happy face, your systematic defensiveness whenever the conversation is leading somehow to your sexuality, the blatant tell of shame on your cheeks when there’s nothing else ever that embarrass you in front of him. There’s only the common cause missing and quickly, ignoring completely your attempts at diverting the conversation on something else, a giant light bulb turns on on top of his head. It brings the light of understanding through his eyeballs who suddenly look extra bright.

“You used it.” For a second, you consider packing up your things and just leave this fucking terrace along with the conversation. But you’re cold as fuck, the way home seems like too much torture to be going through alone.

Why are you like this?

Maybe there’s a vain hope that it will lead to some resolution. Some pleasant resolution. Maybe he won’t talk about it ever again if you just accept to have this conversation without showing the stubborn reluctance you’ve used each time.

“Yes, I did. So what?” His grin is blinding. It’s one of the very very wide, very very bright ones. So wide it shows all his teeth and it doesn’t even look like the cute bunny smile anymore. It’s the predatory grin. It’s intimidating to solely focus on therefore you chose to pick the corner of his eyes and the top of his nose, all wrinkled up that have anything but intimidation to them.

“You have no idea how happy that makes me.” You grimace. Indeed. You have no idea because you don’t even fucking understand.

“You’re a weirdo.”

“I’m just happy you used my dildo.” You scoff and almost choke at both his phrasing and the way he so naturally says the word while you’re outside. There’s no one as dumb as you to sit outside with this weather but still, someone passing by could hear.

Maybe there’s no deep further explanation to look for. Maybe it’s literally as simple as him getting you a present and him being happy that you found usefulness to it. Like most people. People are saddened sometimes pissed when they flop with presents. Maybe it’s that simple.

“Don’t say it like that.” He cackles like a witch and you know, that once again he’s just messing with you, knowing exactly what to do or say to tickle your patience.

“So I can gather it was good?” The worse of the nervous wave has passed. He asks quite nonchalantly. Perhaps it’s your ego wanting that but you hate the idea that you’d find yourself in a situation where he’s clearly more adult than you -even if on so many levels he is. If he can talk about it then you can. Try. You can try.

“Hm. Was nice.” You kind of sound the way you do when as a teen your mom would ask you about your day and you just didn’t want to answer because of laziness, lack of interest, lack of willingness to share, but that will do. He nods, smiles with his lips tight, rather fondly.

“How many times did you use it?”

Taking a deep breath, you mumble, shrugging faux casualness, “A few times.” More like a dozen times but he doesn’t need the details, does he? He nods again, still smiling, taking in your answer.

“Cool.” And he’s satisfied. With the answer and the turns of events as it seems.

There you go, you did it.

You resolved the thing.

Now he can leave you alone with your fantasies and your -not his but your- dildo and there wouldn’t be any further occasion to bring it up. You might be a coward but it’s perfectly fine by you.

Sounds absolutely peachy.

If he chooses to play his part right.

A/N: oh myyy, we’re getting somewhere arn’t we? i really hope you enjoyed this part, let me know your thoughts, scream your frustration, i’m all ears (or eyes). next update will be a double one because the first part is quite short. hoping you’re excited. i wish you a beautiful sunday and a lovely week. take care, lots of lots love.

Tag list: @infernal-alpaca @kaepjjangiya @channiespup @jinsonaz @kpopfandomftw @ggukkieland (sorry love)

IF YOU WANT TO BE TAGGED FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER, PLEASE ASK IN THE COMMENT, THANK YOU :))

#btswriterscollective #networkbangtan #ksmutclub #ggukienet #bts fanfic #bts smut #bts angst #bts fluff #jungkook fanfic #jungkok smut #jungkook fluff #jungkook angst #my writing

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lovingonrepeat · 4 years ago

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sometimes i like to think of the little sexy secrets the boys have, like a day everyone was so horny and they jerk off together to porn. its their little secret and theyre so ashamed of it but theyd love to do this again bc yeah this is hot. the problem is... they all disagree abt the type of porn they want so each one of them has their turn and they get to see what turns them on... thinking of wayv hihi

HOLY SHIT ANON, YOUR MIND! ALSO I'VE PUT WAY TOO MUCH THOUGHT INTO THIS IN THE PAST HOUR SO HERE WE GO!

They decide that the fairest way to do this is to go in age order and go from oldest to youngest in picking videos. So that leaves Kun to go first and he's way too embarrassed to put anything he really wants to. He can't help but feel like there's so so many eyes on him and his dirtiest secrets, so even tho he has an exact video in mind that he knows will get him there so so fast, he chooses instead to search around and after he gets yelled at by the other members for taking too long, he finally plays something pretty vanilla but that isn't too embarrassing for him. It's good, but it's not earth shattering, and he knows he's definitely gonna need more than it to really get him where he needs to be to finally ease this tension in his body. But he's decently satisfied in his choice, and he feels like he might be able to look his members in the eye after all is said and done.

That is, until Ten's turn. Everyone had stayed more or less respectfully and awkwardly quiet during Kun's video, with everyone being too embarrassed and self conscious to really touch themselves, despite the ache they were all feeling. But when Ten snatches up the laptop and instantly starts playing a video full of edging and begging and the models in shibari, the tension in the room snaps.

They're not really sure who was the member to make the first move, but suddenly hands are stroking themselves and clothes are long discarded.

It's Sicheng's turn next, and he had been dreading it, but he swears his fingers move on their own accord as he searches for a video and finds one with a guy sucking on a girl's nipples. He has an oral fixation and you cannot convince me otherwise. The video plays and this time, they're sure it's Xiaojun that is the first one to let out a sound, a muffled groan into the back of his hand as the woman praises the man tending to her, and with that, it's not long before the room fills with more than the sounds coming from their laptop.

Xuxi gets the next turn, and he chooses a video with a close-up on a guy being instructed on how to finger his girlfriend to get her off. It's a crowd pleaser in the dorm.

Xiajoun's hands are shaky when it's finally his turn, and he doesn't even hesitate to search for a video that he knows he'll enjoy. Problem is, with the state he's in and his lust filled brain driving his actions, he completely forgets that the video is one that he has saved in his most secret folder of mommy kink videos. The room lapses into stunned silence as the pornstar utters the title for the first time, and Xiaojun swears that if the attention would've been on him for just a second longer, he would've came from the sheer embarrassment alone.

It's Hendery turn where things slow down. He is adamant that he wants to skip his turn, saying that he's just not that into porn, but Xuxi calls bullshit at the raging boner and sounds he's been letting out the entire night. Kun suggests instead that maybe he should be allowed another turn, arguing that he didn't realize the night was going to get this... Intimate, and demanding a redo where he gets to watch something he's into more.

But it's Sicheng that figures it out first, leaning over to ask a question in Hendery's ear that had his face paling and cheeks heating up. They jump on it, demanding Sicheng share with the rest of them, but he refuses, granting Hendery his last shred of dignity as he can feel the grip he has on his most shameful secret slipping away.

They start throwing out kinks left and right to try to find out his secret, with everything from omaroshi to a foot fetish to full on pet play being tossed around. But Yangyang is finally the one who gets it right, asking simply, "It's gay, isn't it?"

Hendery honestly doesn't think he's ever felt more embarrassed in his life than in that moment, as he types into the search and finally clicks play on a video of a guy giving another guy a handjob. Their own highs abandoned for a minute, they all watch intently, weighing in their heads if they're into it or not. No one verbally states an opinion except Xuxi, who leans over and tells Hendery that he made a good choice.

Hendery tries his best to zone out, ignoring his members around him and chase his own high, but he can't when he feels so fucking self conscious. He's shocked out of his thoughts when Ten taps him on the shoulder and asks him to stop touching himself for a minute. His brain hasn't even finished processing Ten's request when he all but screams, directing all attention to himself as Ten wraps his hand around Hendery's dick.

The video is abandoned quickly by all members but Ten as they turn their attention to the scene in front of them. But Ten pays them no attention, instead watching the video and trying his damndest to copy each and every movement exactly. Hendery cannot help but be sure that Ten has done this before, but he can't find it in himself to voice it.

Another debate breaks out when it's Yangyang turn, as they're not sure if they're really ready to know what kinda kinky shit their maknae is into. He argued adamantly for his equal treatment, but rethinks it immediately when they cave and he's actually expected to play something. It's obvious that he didn't think this one through, but they won't let him back out now.

Much to everyone's surprise, he plays a video with male orgasm denial, with lots of begging and edging, and Xuxi swears he's never discovered more of his own kinks in one night.

It's Xiaojun that finally ends up cumming first, as silently as he possibly could when the woman on the screen degrades the guy. Kun follows pretty soon after, with Sicheng cumming next.

It leaves Ten, Xuxi, Hendery and Yangyang left. Ten has abandoned his own quest for release in favor of torturing Hendery, and he can barely keep it together when Ten demands that he asks for his release the way the guy in the video does. Hendery can't bring himself to let everyone hear him beg, so he leans over and whispers pleas into Ten's ear, and Ten accepts it. Hendery's shot headfirst into his orgasm, followed by Yangyang. With Hendery's worn out body next to him, Ten goes back to chasing his own high, and it doesn't take him long at all to get there.

The boys barely register that Xuxi hasn't finished, too busy in their own afterglows until he lets a grunt escape his lips. Hendery notices right away that Xuxi is copying the video as well as he can, and so they wait for the video to end and for the man in the video, as well as Xuxi, to be granted the opportunity to cum. Yangyang can't help but wish he had chosen a video where the guy didn't get to finish, just to see what Xuxi would've done, but he won't bring himself to admit it.

They don't talk about that day again, or about how they notice when Sicheng stares too long at a woman's breasts, about how they notice the way Xiaojun gets weak when a woman is mean to him. Ten and Hendery don't mention the events of this day to each other again, even tho Hendery has so many questions to ask him about it, the most important of which being, "God can we do that again?" Xuxi is left with a confusing tangle of new revelations about his sexual preferences to unravel, and none of them can look Yangyang in the eye anymore when conversations start to take a sexual turn.

And Kun will never mention it to them, but he's secretly grateful that this whole event took place on his laptop, and cannot thank the internet gods enough for the wonderful feature that is the search history. He has definitely watched every video at least five times at this point, not that he'd ever admit it to anyone.

#answered #anon #wayv smut #thank you so much for this cuz i feel likethis just broke my writing hiatus tbh and i love it #im so compelled to write a full length fic of this ughhhh #kun smut #ten smut #winwin smut #lucas smut #xiaojun smut #hendery smut #yangyang smut #nct smut #mxm smut

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thomotomo · 4 years ago

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Through everything part.1

Pairing: Namjoon x Male Reader

Summary: You have been dating Namjoon for a while. You’re now seeing him again for the first time in 4 years and both of you agreed on disclosing you relationship to everyone.

Words: 3.5k

Today was a great day, maybe even the best day of your life, you were going to see your boyfriend after what felt like a lifetime without any physical interaction between both of you. In fact, it had been nearly 4 years since you last kissed you boyfriend.

Your boyfriend was an idol, Kim Namjoon from BTS, so he had a very tight schedule, and when he had breaks it didn’t always matched when you had breaks sadly. But this year, after a lot of discussions with him and him with his manager and the CEO, you were finally able to see each other.

You both met back in High-School when you went in Korea for an exchange that was organised by your school after they set up a pen pal thing between both schools. You ended up in his class, even though he wasn’t your pen pal, you discussed with him and both of you immediately hit off and you absolutely wanted to keep contact even after you left Korea.

It wasn’t easy every day, specially because both of you were in different time zones, so often you were the one who stayed up at night so you could discuss. You also sent each other packages, which was pretty expensive, so you didn’t do it often, probably for Christmas, each other’s birthdays and for each other’s new year (the “common one” and the Lunar new year). Luckily for both of you, your parents were cool enough to come in Korea every two days, mainly during summer break, so you could see each other. You also helped each other in your native languages and with English, soon you became fluent in both Korean and English and Namjoon easily spoke (your language) and English.

Slowly you fell for each other, you easily accepted your feelings, as you always wondered why you didn’t felt the same attraction toward girls like your comrades so in the end you agreed with your feelings pretty easily, but not saying anything to Namjoon, you didn’t want to lose the friendship you both had.

On the other hand It wasn’t easy for Namjoon, sexualities other than heterosexuality weren’t talked a lot, if not at all, in Korea, so he struggled to understand why he had such hard feelings toward a boy, especially when he knew he could still feel attracted to girls. Few times before you, he arbored a kind of a crush on other guys but tried to pass it as just finding them attractive and nothing else. He spent a lot of time online on anonymous servers, discussing about sexuality and trying to understand who he was and what his sexuality was. In the end he determined that he was fitting the definition of pansexual pretty well and thus, adopted it for himself and internet friends.

He thought few times about coming out to his parents, but he read so much stories of Korean who were left by their families once they came out, and even though he tried to drop clues about him and test their reactions to LGBT+ people on TV shows or something he didn’t find the force in himself to come out to them, too scared. He also kept that from you, in case you didn’t want to be friend with him anymore.

You both didn’t talk about your feelings to each other and life followed its pace. You congratulated him when he told you about the song he wrote for another band and when he spoke to you about the group he’ll be in. In return he was happy for you when he learned that you graduated high school and got accepted to the college you wanted to go to.

In 2013, when you were both 18 you organized your trip in Korea, alone this time, so you could enjoy “fully” the trip alone. You met Namjoon at the airport and congratulated each other for graduating high school. You went to deposit all your thing at the hotel, and then you both walked around Seoul, him showing you his favourite places since he started to live at Big Hit’s dorms. He was allowed to go back home so you went and installed a bed for you to sleep in. You were happy to see his parents once again, they were always sweet to you, so it was always a pleasure to see them again. It was the same day that you came out to each other.

Around midnight you were both laid in the bed when Namjoon whispered:

“Hey…”

“Yes?”

“Would you stay by my side no matter what?”

“Of course Namjoon! Why are you asking me that?”, you stood on your forearms, looking at him.

“I… Need to admit you something…”, he was still laid in the bed, looking at the ceiling

“You can tell me everything, I’ll be here to support you.”

He took a deep breath.

“I’m… Pansexual. I can be attracted to everyone no matter their gender...”

You smiled at him softly and sat on the edge of your bed.

“It’s okay, I have to admit something too then.”

He turned his head toward you, frowning a little bit.

“I’m gay, I’m exclusively attracted to men.”

He looked at you, a bit surprised. His brain was trying to understand what you meant as he sat on his bed too.

“You… Really?”

“Yep. Don’t feel ashamed to be you. It’s okay. If it’s not too indiscreet, are you out to your parents?”

“N-No… I’m pretty scared, you know I’ve read a lot of stories about LGBT+ Korean people that got thrown out of their households when they came out… And I’m becoming an idol, it could ruin my career and I don’t want to abandon my dream because of that…” He lowered his eyes, as if ashamed of what he just said to you.

You came closer, seating right next to him and hugged him.

“It’s okay if you’re not out, your safety always comes first. Don’t force yourself to come out if you’re not ready you’re not. I love you the way you are.”

“Y-You love me?”

You blushed, wondering why you said that. You looked away from him and tried to take off your hands from him but looked at you, whispering.

“I love you too…”

You flushed even harder and smiled at him while he was looking at you with bright eyes.

“(Y/N)… Can I kiss you?”

“Yes of course!”

Your faces slowly got closer from the other’s and your lips gently touched, his lips were soft, softer than you anticipated (and fantasized), you felt as if you whole body was set on fire. The kiss was a little bit sloppy, but you didn’t had much experience and you were pretty sure than he didn’t have much either.

You stopped kissing after a few seconds, air already starting to miss. You looked at each other and you observed a pink blush covering a great part of Namjoon’s face. He looked back at you with a bright smile and your heartbeat already fastened by all these emotions, quickened the pace even more.

“So… Boyfriends?”

“Yes Nam… Boyfriends.”

He smiled and hugged you before yawning. You smiled a little to him, touching his hair softly.

“Maybe we should go to sleep, you seem tired.”

“Yes, good idea. Goodnight (Y/N).”, he said as he left your arms and laid back in his bed.

“Goodnight Namjoon.”

You moved to your bed, falling asleep with a content smile.

This is how you spent the next 7 years with Kim Namjoon as your boyfriend, of course it wasn’t easy every day, as living in different time zones, and him being a full-time idol who grown more and more popular every day passing. Like every couples you had your fights and being unable to make up with either sex or cuddles was pretty frustrating. You were able to see him sometimes when he had breaks and you enjoyed and cherished those moments very dearly, but sadly you couldn’t see as often as you would. Nobody except your family knew that you were dating. Of course, at firsts your parents had been sceptical, thinking that it was just some hormonal teenagers feelings, but after noticing that you were serious and engaged in your relationship they supported you.

So here you were, inside your plane to Korea to meet your boyfriend you weren’t able to see in a while. You were quite excited, and the trip was long, so you slept for a long time, hoping that when you woke up, you’ll be in Korea or close enough. Sadly for you, you still had half of the trip that you still had to do.

You occupied yourself as much as you could do but luckily, in the end the trip went pretty quickly. You landed at Incheon airport after around 12 hours of flight, when you took your first steps on the Korean soil you couldn’t help but grin.

You took out your phone, sending a text to your lover, before going to the conveyor, reclaiming your belongings before going toward the public entry, you felt you phone vibrating, you opened it, it was a text from Namjoon that he was going to wait for you in a car at Incheon City Hall to avoid any commotions in the airport, he also gave you the brand, the colour and the first number of the car.

You moved as fast as you could to catch your bus, even though it was hard for you to know that you’ll have to wait for another hour before finally being reunited with him.

Once you reached the station you went to the parking and you looked around before noticing the car Namjoon was in. You grinned and trotted until you reached it. You knocked at the window and Namjoon perked, his eyes lighting up as he saw you. He got out of the car to meet you. Once he was close enough he lowered his mask and kissed you hard.

You felt a laughter bubbled in you throat. You put your luggage on the ground and put your arms around him. After a few seconds he stopped the kiss and put his mask back in place.

“I’m sorry we can’t kiss longer for the moment, but I want to avoid any risks for your to be exposed.”

“Of course don’t worry.”

He helped you with your bags and opened the trunk of his car where you put all your things. He closed it while you went to the front of the car and sat in the passenger sit. He came few seconds after you and took your hand with his, softly kissing it through his mask.

“I missed you so much (Y/N)”

“I missed you too… I’m glad to be able to spend some time with you.”

His eyes crinkled and he started the car, he told you that both of you were going back to his parents’ houses, it had been a while since you saw them (along with his sister) and you couldn’t help but being anxious about it, last time you saw them it was in 2016, and it was before Namjoon came out to them and told them you were dating. He told you they reacted pretty well, and it seemed it didn’t disturb them more than that when you did call with them, but it was the first time you’ll see them as Namjoon’s boyfriend and that was frankly scary for you.

After maybe an hour in the car you reached Namjoon’s family’s house. The car stopped and you felt you hand starting to shake slightly. Your boyfriend noticed that too and he took them in his hands.

“It’s okay, they love you already so much.”

“H-How?”

He snorted.

“I’ve known you for more than 10 years, and you didn’t saw my parents since I came out to them, of course you’re going to be stressed. It’s okay, they love you too.”

You nodded at his reassuring words as he quickly kissed your lips. You both left the car to get you things that were still in the trunk, you suddenly stilled when he closed it.

“I didn’t thought of that before but… How should I call them?”

“Aaah you worry too much love! Just call them as you did before they knew we were dating, it’s okay.”

You nodded and took you bags trying to calm down. You followed Namjoon until he reached the front door. He took out his keys and opened the door. As he did that and entered first in the house you could hear your heartbeat pounding loudly and you took a deep breath before following him.

“Appa! Eomma! I’m back and I brought back (Y/N)!”

As you took off your shoes you heard footsteps coming towards where you were located, when you rose you head both of his parents were here and Namjoon was kissing them hello.

You slightly bowed you head when they looked at you and quickly took your backpack.

“Hello Mrs. and Mr Kim! I’m glad to see you again… Erm here! I brought you a little something from (country) I hope you will like it.”

Behind them Namjoon laughed silently at your stress and you frowned at him discreetly. His parents told you to come closer and they hugged you. His mother spoke first.

“It’s okay (Y/N)-suh-bang, call us appa and eomma you’ve know us for a while and you’re dating Namjoon!”

You flushed bright as she called you her son-in-law, you weren’t engaged to Namjoon and she called you that way. Behind your boyfriend seemed to tell you with his eyes “See?”, you set your gaze back on his mother and smiled shily at her.

“Ah- A-Alright Mr- Eomma.” The back of your neck was burning as you said that, the new appellation being completely different from what you got used to.

His father stepped next, taking you hand in his and shaking it.

“Thank you for being friend and lover to Namjoon, you seem to take a great care of him, I’m glad he met you (Y/N).”

“I’m the lucky one A-Appa, he’s the one who brighten my days when I have a message of him.”

Namjoon blushed hard as you said that, and you flashed him a little grin. His parents thanked you for the gifts and you thanked them for allowing you to stay here for a little while.

“You can put your things in Namjoon’s bedroom, we will let you be lovebirds! Also, your sister will come later, she’s still in classes.”

Namjoon and you nodded before you moved your things into his bedroom. When all your suitcases where put in his bedroom he caught you off-guard by gripping your face with both his hands and kissing you deeply. You were surprised at first but then you relaxed and deepened the kiss. One of your hand slided around his waist, the other putting itself on his face. You sighed as his tongue poked at your lips and you gladly accepted it. You felt like two teenagers, but it was fair, it’s been a while since you got one of his mind-blowing kisses and you just wanted to pounce on him now. Sadly for you, you were in his parents’ house so it wouldn’t be a good idea to go all the way with his parents close enough to surprise you.

You stopped after a while, both of you panting Namjoon suddenly softly rubbed his nose against yours, making you laugh. He watched you with a little smile and suddenly looked a bit more serious.

“I… I’d like to talk to you about something.”

“Of course, you know I’ll always listen to you.”

He took your hands in his and kissed softly your fingertips.

“I’d like people to know about us.”

“What?”

“I want my fans to know about us, I don’t want to have to hide even more than usually to go on dates with you. I want… I just don’t want to hide anymore, the other members know about us because we’re literally living together and I had to tell them. And the company only know that I have a significant other because . We’ve been together for like 7 years, it’s not fair that we have to hide even more because I just want to claim my love for you from the highest building of Seoul and I just can’t…”

You were shocked at what he said, of course you badly wanted to announce how in love you were with Namjoon but you were also very scared, you knew by watching scandals and all that fans weren’t always happy when and idol dated another. How would it be for an idol and a random who’s a male on the top of that?

“Namjoon… That’s… I’d like to do that, but have you seen how fans reacts to straight couples between two idols? How would they about us? What about your company? If they want us to break up or I don’t know, if they don’t allow you to see me anymore? What about your carrier it could affect the group badly too!”

“I’ve thought about that and I know it could badly impact my carrier but maybe it would help other LGBT+ Koreans to not be scared of affirming themselves, and yeah… I want to tell the world how much you count for me.”

You enveloped him in a hug, your eyes were stinging a little bit from hearing his confession.

“I can’t promise everything will be okay but I’ll be with you through every step of it.”

You nodded and kissed his shoulder; you couldn’t help being worried for his safety and yours. You stood there hugging each other for a few instants.

“Let’s stop thinking about that for the moment, we should just have fun. Let’s chill and you can tell me what you did for the last few weeks.”

You both sat on his bed and talked for a few hours until you fell asleep to him talking about his latest concert.

Later that day Namjoon’s parents came looking for you as his sister arrived home. They lightly knocked and opened when none of you responded and found you intertwined, your head lied on Namjoon’s torso as he was enveloping you protectively. His parents smiled and took a picture before waking up you.

You both went downstairs where you saw his sisters. The five of you ate dinner, talking about everything and nothing but mainly catching up with the family. Once the meal was finished you stayed talking a bit more before you and Namjoon retreated so you could go sleep. You had both discussed with the family about Namjoon doing his coming out and announce your couple and they had agreed that you should talk about that to the other members and mainly to the company. Namjoon had sent a text to his manager asking to talk about your relationship with you being present

Once both of you showered (together of course ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ) you installed the bed and both of you cozied yourself under the blanket and cuddled with Namjoon. You spent a good time kissing and whispering sweet words to each other. After a while you once again fell asleep peacefully together.

The next morning Namjoon woke you up sweetly with soft kisses on your back. You sighed softly as he asked you to wake up so you could take the breakfast with his family. The thought of a real Korean breakfast was making you salivate, it actually had been a while since you ate a real one, as you couldn’t get any fresh ingredients to prepare it in (country).

You were about to put some “normal” clothes when Namjoon told you it wasn’t worth it as everyone would be in pyjamas.

You ate the breakfast with the family, eating a little bit more than usual as you missed that kind of food. After a good half an hour eating and discussing you both left to prepare yourself to the meeting with Namjoon’s manager.

He helped you finding clothes that wouldn’t attract the fans and paparazzi’s attention, hiding the bottom of your face with a mask and putting your hair under a cap. Once you were ready both of you went to the car and you could feel the adrenaline rise inside of you and your body felt suddenly quite hot, and not the pleasurable kind. Namjoon turned his head to look at you and he smiled trying to reassure you.

“I can’t say everything is going to be okay and everyone will accept our relationship easily but I’ll be here for you, I won’t leave you alone with them."

He put his hand on your knee and caressed it with his thumb, trying to calm you down. After half an hour driving in silence, sometimes discussing to reassure you, you arrived in front of Big Hit. Luckily there was a parking underground for employees and idols. Once he parked his car he took your shaking hand in his and kissed it.

“Don’t worry love, I won’t leave your side. Everything is going to be okay.”

_________________

You nodded at him and exhaled a shaky breath before following him outside the car and to the elevator that was going to bring your to your death to where the manager was waiting for you.

A/N: Oh wow finally published this! And I decided to make it a small series of it! Please leave me your thoughts about it!

Well I hope you enjoyed this first part! And don’t hesitate to leave a comment and reblog if you enjoyed it!

#kpop x reader #kpop x y/n #kpop x male reader #namjoon x you #namjoon x reader #namjoon x male reader #bts namjoon #kpop fanfic #bts fanfction #bts x male reader #bts x reader #bts x you #bts x y/n #reader insert #x male reader #male reader

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meimae · 4 years ago

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Language Learning Through Immersion: One Year Japanese Update

11/03/2021

I did it, you guys! I’ve successfully reached my very first year of Japanese language immersion! I honestly thought that I would have given up by now, but this really has been a fun and ultimately rewarding endeavor.

Studying the language has been at the back of my mind for years since elementary school, I just never really knew how to go about it before, and I always thought that I could learn it in a classroom setting someday. That someday for me was in two elective courses in university, and while those were fun as well, it did not give me the same gains that I have achieved in this past year.

It’s probably easier to quantify learning a language in a classroom setting, especially when going through a program to earn a language degree. Learning through immersion, however, I had to really consider what my goals should be on my own. Eventually, I stumbled upon an article saying that for an English speaker, Japanese was exceptionally difficult to learn and that at least 2,200 hours must be spent with the language to reach a certain level of proficiency. So I said to myself, “well okay internet, if you say so!”, and set that as my long term goal going forward.

Spoiler Alert: I did not hit that goal in my first year. I am not crazy and will never listen to Japanese in my sleep regardless of what Khatzumoto (the creator of All Japanese All the Time) says.

I did, however, hit a total 1,226.65 active immersion hours in my first year, so I guess I’m still a bit nuts. That is 874.96 hours of active listening and 351.69 reading hours. I also did 270.59 hours of passive listening, also known as the time in the very beginning of my immersion where I was using Japanese subtitles (therefore not really concentrating on listening alone). That’s a cumulative 1,497.24 hours spent with Japanese. That’s more than halfway towards my goal!

To further break that down for curious animanga fans out there, that’s 973 episodes from 109 anime, 765 episodes from 33 dramas, 7 movies, and 967 chapters from 107 volumes of manga (21 series). Here’s my anilist and mydramalist to see what I’ve read/watched.

During all this, I was also doing my daily Anki reps and now I have a 530 day SRS streak (includes the time prior starting immersion and only doing RTK and some vocabulary cards) and a total 8,857 sentence cards. I’ve been averaging 406 cards daily (because I’m trying to cure my leeches) and I spend about an hour per day doing reps and learning new cards. I don’t really track my time on Anki, but I do have a set timer that goes off after 1-1:30 hours.

What I haven’t touched upon at all is output. I have not gone out of my way to find a tutor or a language partner. There’s still plenty of input out there to immerse in before I even consider outputting.

Graphs, stats, and more thoughts:

Here's my current card count in my main deck (minus the cards in my new/learning queue and leeches I've been relearning which are in separate decks):

That one day in 2019 where I did not do my cards because I was seriously doubting whether I can actually stick with language learning this time around will forever haunt and inspire me to keep going everyday.

Workflow and Tips

You might be wondering, how do I have a lot of time? I started this whole endeavor in the middle of a pandemic, which eliminated the option of me going to a language school, and a slew of other things I were considering doing last year became impossible (and if anything, very scary to do in a pandemic). All I can say is that, things work out eventually if it is His will, and if I can learn a skill before everything properly settles back down again, then why not?

I wake up at 5 in the morning everyday to either do my Anki reps or read until the time when I need to get up and I listen to compressed audio throughout the day. The biggest tip is to switch the time you spend watching/reading in your native language to your target language instead. Listen to a podcast during your commute, watch an episode during lunch break, read before going to bed, do your Anki reps in the bathroom if you have to.

But, if you’re feeling burnt out, there is no reason for you to not take a break! I have been watching a lot of Among Us streams before bed, and I chat with my friends from time to time. Language learning is not a race.

More Stats

Here are a couple of grids of the kanji characters that I have encountered at least once in my immersion and how well I have answered them in my vocabulary/sentence cards.

It's interesting that after almost 9000 words, I have yet to encounter every single character from the Remembering the Kanji 1 (RTK 1) book by James Heisig, which teaches you the most common use characters that are part of the 常用漢字. Which brings me to the question, was writing down every single character being taught in RTK worth it every time it came up in my reviews for the first 3-ish months I was reviewing them? Maybe, maybe not. It certainly removed my anxiety whenever looking at blocks of text in Japanese, but the longer I think about it, the more I feel I should have switched to Recognition RTK earlier. Still, being able to write in proper stroke order is cool I guess, and it also helps me when looking things up in the dictionary.

Here’s the same grid but in JLPT order:

I clearly need to grind those N2 and N1 level cards! Speaking of which, I have apparently almost covered every single character that could possibly appear in the JLPT (except for the N1 which I have only covered half of) in just a year's time. If the JLPT word frequency lists I’m using are accurate, I have about 2,000 words more to go to to cover most vocabulary that could appear in the test. This makes the "10,000 sentences/words to fluency" argument a reasonable milestone to aim for for Japanese learners if said aim is only to pass the test. That said, 10,000 words is just that, a milestone. It's more akin to a comfortable level of comprehension, but not my own concept of fluency which is being able to read with ease, speak articulately, and write comfortably.

READING IMMERSION GRAPHS

My biggest motivation for tracking my stats is for the purpose of seeing whether my reading speed is improving over time. Reading speed is also easier to measure than listening comprehension which is kind of subjective, so I had a lot of fun making these. What I found is that for the first volume or chapter of whatever it is I’m reading, I always take the time to get used to the writing style of the author. My speed really improves whenever I keep reading the same topic over and over again. On the other hand and quite obviously, looking up many new words in a row and trying to parse sentences slows me down.

Manga: Reading Speed Progression per Volume

I clearly love ちはやふる and I am not ashamed to admit it.

I need to start reading longer manga. When I do, I’ll probably split this graph into less than and greater than 20 volumes. Imagine if I start reading something ridiculously long as 名探偵コナン or ワンピース, these graphs will start breaching the bounds of time and space.

Novels: Time Spent Reading per Chapter

#neverforget the time I read chapter six of Norwegian Wood for 9 hours when it took me less than half that time in English RIP. Also, my interest in Kitchen plummeted LOL. Still planning to finish it don’t worry.

I also need to start branching away from manga and start reading more novels and light novels, too just so I can make more pretty graphs.

Visual Novels: Time Spent Reading and Daily Word Count

Also known as images that clearly show that I’ve already spent several days only reading the prologue of Island. I’m not sweating. 切那 needs to stop using words I don’t know in succession. More thoughts on this VN far into the future.

Thoughts on Immersion

I can’t really say anything else other that that it works for me, and needless to say if you’re considering this method, remember that the SRS is your friend but immersion should be your one true love.

Prior to all this, I couldn’t even read a sample paragraph from Genki without being confused to my very soul. Yes, I know, it’s embarrassing, but that’s the truth. I was way more scared of failing my Japanese classes than my actual thesis for my bachelors degree, I kid you not. I would quite literally spend all my free time in university trying to understand grammar, memorize vocabulary, and answer my workbook exercises with little to no success.

I tried so hard to get all the grammar “formulas” into my head for 1.5 years and it only brought me more confusion. I’m never going back to traditional classroom study for language learning, but I will still refer to grammar books when I need to, and not because I feel like I need to answer 4783342 different workbook exercises like my life depended on it.

I still can’t believe it, but with immersion this statement is actually true to a point, don’t try shadowing anime/or calling your boss anime language slurs, use your common sense:

study anime to understand Japanese > study Japanese to understand anime

Future Goals/Plans

2,200 immersion hours was my initial goal, but honestly I feel like that number could be much higher. There’s still a lot of stuff I don’t understand (news, politics, sciences, etc.), so I’ll make attempts to cover more of those things in my immersion.

I’ll continue reading more, because that’s a natural SRS in itself. Try to read longer manga, more novels, visual novels, and light novels, and maybe news articles.

I’ll try to mine as much “JLPT vocab” as I can before making any attempts at taking the JLPT. I noticed that a lot of the words I know don’t appear in the JLPT word lists as much, even though they appear a lot in media/daily conversation.

Continue mining all words I don’t know because all words are useful anyway. There is no such thing as useless words. I never really understood mining only “interesting words” or words that “pop up” in your immersion. As I said in my previous blog post, 美人局 is an interesting word and I certainly caught it being said in my immersion, but in the three languages I know, I wouldn’t know when I would be able to use such a word, as compared to something like ジャガイモ which is a significantly less interesting word, but is certainly useful to know.

I have managed to talk up a storm, but if you have any questions regarding my process or recommendations for new immersion material, please feel free to send an ask/reply to this post. I love hearing about other people’s language learning/immersion journeys.

See you on my next post!

#language learning #japanese language #language acquisition #study blog #langblr #studyblr #graphs #language immersion #japanese #visual novels #manga #novels #anime #dramas #movies #youtube #podcasts

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sideofmango · 4 years ago

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Can you do HCs of Shinsou, Amajiki, Bakugo; teen!Aizawa with a South African s/o who has people saying some annoying comments to her just bc she's from Africa. Like someone says that they're sorry that she struggled with poverty (girl is from a super wealthy family that can buy their family), or say some gibberish with clicks and asks her to translate (s/o can speak five languages: English, Zulu, Xhosa, Afrikaans, and Japanese; understand others. Xhosa has clicks). They ask her if she had...

cont’d request: Pt.II - to hunt for her food (Umm, no. Cape Town has supermarkets and she knows what pizza and Japanese food is, guys). Someone just can't believe that South Africa has TV and internet, while s/o literally has a cell phone with all of the social media and has friends/family from South Africa. When class is over, someone asks why isn't she wearing "African" clothes (bc Africa is country, not a continent) when s/o is just wearing basic clothes. People be stupid.

“Don’t Be Stupid” - Headcannon for Shinsou, Tamaki, Bakugou, and teen!Aizawa

Hey! Thanks for requesting! Hope this is okay :)

Pairings: Shinsou, Tamaki, Bakugou, teen!Aizawa x reader Pronouns: she/her Warnings: ignorance, cursing

Hitoshi didn’t really give a flying fuck about what others thought, mainly because most of the time people didn’t even want to be around him because of his “villain quirk”

But just because he didn’t care what they thought about him, doesn’t mean he wouldn’t fuck somebody up if they messed with you

Shinsou is a quiet guy for the most part, but he was super perceptive

So when he heard that the little ballsack haired toddler from class 1-A was spreading rumors about you, he was angry

You had no problem explaining to people about your home country of South Africa, especially if they asked nicely

But one day when you were walking past Class 1-A when school had just ended, intent on meeting your boyfriend outside to go walk to the park together, you heard Mineta spewing shit about you and South Africa

“Yeah they’re a bunch of savages over there! They literally hunt for food with spears and everyone is poor and they use goats as money.” Mineta said

You stood by the door to see what they were going to say before you chimed in and told them what South Africa was actually like.

“Mineta that’s literally cap and you know it.” Kaminari chimed in with a roll of his eyes.

He had been spending so much time around you and Shinsou that he started even using your slang unconsciously.

It made you smile a bit.

“Kaminari you’re dumb as rocks. How would you know?” Mineta defended himself.

“Anyways, apparently because they’re so poor they steal a lot too. Maybe that’s why my jacket went missing after I was around (y/n)...Like I said they’re a bunch of savages, she probably doesn’t know any better.”

Now it was time for you to chime in.

“Why the fuck would I want your ratty ass jacket anyway? I don’t steal and that’s not what South Africa is like. Denki knows because I told him about it. I’m not poor, I just don’t flaunt my wealth, and if you really want to know I could buy your entire family with my own net worth.” You remarked, crossing your arms over your chest with a huff.

Bakugou sat in the corner watching the whole exchange with a small smirk on his face...he enjoyed confrontation too much.

“Oh and we do have supermarkets where we buy our food from.” You add as an after thought. “If you wanted to know about South Africa, you should’ve just asked like a normal person instead of spewing shit. Have a nice day.” You left the classroom after that a smile growing on your face as you heard Kaminari and Kirishima scold Mineta for talking shit behind your back.

Yeah...that was the last time he did that because after Shinsou heard what happened he found Mineta the next day and threatened him so bad he peed his diaper.

Tamaki was a pretty reserved guy and when you two began dating it surprised mostly everyone because you two were so different

Honestly, Tamaki literally looked at you like a goddess and it annoyed him when people were just plain ignorant

Usually when he was annoyed he would rant to you about it or Mirio or Nejire, and then he would go sit in a corner blushing about how he feared he was oversharing

PLS HE’S SO CUTE

um...N E WAYS...

You had been a transfer into the class when they were second years after your father decided to expand his international company to Japan, meaning you had to leave your home in South Africa

You were upset at first but you quickly made friends with the Big Three and Leonardo Subarashi, who was also from South Africa.

So it came as a surprise when one of your friends, Tsuki Vinsmoke started talking shit about your homeland even when two of her friends were from there

“They literally live in huts with dirt floors. Maybe that’s why they’re so dirty and poor.” Tsuki laughed with two of her bitch friends, standing right near you

You turned to look at her with a frown on your face, practically daring her to say something else.

“I don’t even know how those two got here. They don’t even have phone service over there.”

“Hey (y/n)?” She said a little louder, as you turned around again, placing your pencil down and momentarily ignoring your school work.

“What Tsuki?”

“Why don’t you wear African clothes? Like those weird scarves and cloths or whatever? Are you ashamed that you came from dirt poor people? I would be.” Tsuki wore a nasty smile on her face as her eyes seemed to sparkle with malice.

“There’s no such thing as African clothes Tsuki. People wear the same clothes here that they do in South Africa...why would I be ashamed of such a culturally rich homeland? I’m proud to be South African, and besides I’d suggest you do some research before you start talking to me about being poor, especially since I’m way richer than you.” You gave a fake sincere smile before glancing over at Tamaki and your friends who gave you a thumbs up as if to say Destroy her.

So you did...in the end you got sent to Principal Nezu’s office after you made her cry and she lied to your teacher saying you had threatened her life like a dirty savage

Tamaki had to hold you back with some help from Mirio before you decked her

Nezu didn’t really care and gave you a donut from the order that had been in his office before sending you back to class

Needless to say, Tsuki got suspended for being racist and perpetuating a hateful environment in the classroom and nobody else messed with you, not even her little friends who sucked up to you after Tsuki went on suspension.

Why would anyone even bother saying stupid shit about you when you were just as hot headed as your explosive boyfriend? I don’t know, but they did

Of course everyone from class 1-A was smart enough not to start anything, but it seems Monoma wasn’t as smart

The annoying overly entitled blonde from class 1-B, had started out by asking you simple questions about your homeland, things like:

“What’s it like there?”, “Is it always sunny?”, “Have you seen a rhino or lion before?”

Then they started getting kind of ignorant and annoying.

“Hey (y/n)? Can you speak African?”

“No Monoma because Africa is a continent made up of many countries, each with their own languages.” You explained, wasn’t he supposed to be smart? “What are you doing Monoma?” You asked, with a raised eyebrow as he started to make strange noises at you.

“Shit for Brains, leave us the fuck alone.” Bakugou grumbled from beside you after he finished chewing his food.

“It’s you language right? Can you understand what I said?”

“No dumbfuck. You sounded like a dolphin.” You remarked as a few of your friends laughed lightly.

“I’m surprised you understand...I heard your people aren’t very smart...you know products of their environment, it’s unfortunate really. I’m sorry that you lived in such poverty, but you should consider yourself lucky, now you get to live in dorms and sleep in a real bed and not on a dirt floor.” Monoma went on and on and you were growing increasingly annoyed as you friends sat there in shocked silence.

“You know what Monoma?” You said with a fake smile as you spun around. “I’ve never met anyone as ignorant and stupid as you. I’m not poor and I never was, I slept in a real bed with an actually comfortable mattress unlike the ones here, and I much smarter than you ever will be I speak five fucking languages and I can understand more than that in others. Would you like me to tell you to fuck off in another language since you can’t seem to understand Japanese?” You asked as you raised your eyebrows with your arms crossed over your chest, as if waiting for his answer.

He stayed silent.

“That’s what I thought. Maybe you are smart after all?” You added teasingly, watching him be dragged back to his table by Kendo.

Shota Aizawa never really had many friends, usually more laidback than others were comfortable with, but the ones he did have were the complete opposites of him

Hizashi and Shirakumo were loud pranksters, while you and Midnight were talkative and enjoyed messing with him.

Most of the time he ignored the pigheaded bully that was Sensoji, because he usually only picked on Shota, but when Sensoji realized that you were Aizawa’s real weakness, he started to hound you.

And Shota was NOT having that

It all came to a head after he battled against Shota during a training session.

“Your useless just like your quirk Aizawa.” Sensoji sneered at your boyfriend, glaring down at him.

“Your nothing but a waste of space.” Sensoji added seeing the way that his insults didn’t really phase Shota.

“Hey leave him alone! What is wrong with you!” You intervened pushing the broad shouldered boy away from Shota.

“What are you that weak that you need your little safari ass backwoods girlfriend to save your ass?” Sensoji laughed along with one of his equally stupid Class 1-B classmates.

“Don’t fucking talk about her!” Shota yelled back, his eyes glowing as if it was a warning.

“Or what? It’s not like she’ll understand? People like her back in her country of Africa are stupid as fuck. They build their homes out of oversized tin cans and they don’t even have phones.”

“Sensoji you’re the stupid one! Africa is... A CONTINENT NOT A COUNTRY!” Hizashi jumped in, activating his quirk halfway through his sentence.

“And they don’t live in tin cans.” Midnight added.

“I live in a nice home, one that’s probably bigger than yours. Just admit that you’re jealous of Shota and me and move on!” You pressed your finger into his chest on each word, glaring at him as if to say say something else and see what happens.

“Grow up!” Shota and Shirakumo added before Sensoji rushed away when he saw the teachers coming over to see what you all were arguing about.

“Yeah that’s what I thought! Run away like a little bitch!” You added with a growing smile.

“Language (y/n)!” Your teacher scolded, but even that couldn’t bring down your smile as you, your boyfriend, and your friends laughed about the incident.

You all still even joked about it years later.

TAGS:

#katsukisblackteddy #requested #headcannons #bnha #south african reader #shinsou x reader #tamaki x reader #bakugou x reader #teen!aizawa #bnha x poc!reader #mha x poc!reader #I'm sorry about always clowing Mineta but he makes it too fucking easy #sorry but not really that sorry #bnha x reader

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