#maybe i need to start taking iron supplements again

[eileennatural]

thanks to my background in competitive cheerleader and a series of godawful jobs i am aware actually that i can produce quite impressive results on surprisingly little sleep. that being said i'm really a 10-11 hours of sleep per day kind of person, ideally. minimum of eight i guess

[lizzyscribbles]

You know what I realized yesterday through an event that I desire to never deal with again in my entire life?? Toga’s parents really did suck.

Today’s Rambling Thought: Toga, and why her parents deserve hell.

Picture this, it’s the evening, I’m getting ready to get on a discord call with my friend because we’ve been watching MHA together and we usually chat between episodes (it’s their first time watching the show, we’re in season three). I go to use the bathroom and what do I find?? Remnants!!! Of a bird!! I’m not talking about a few feathers here, I’m talking bones, a pile of internal organs, and a half mutilated wing covered in blood and God knows what else. Completely dismembered. Of course, there are two potential culprits in this crime scene, both cats. (I should mention these aren’t my cats, I was watching them for a friend), but I’m pretty sure the one circling my feel and meowing proudly is the one. So, I get to clean up bird guts at like 8PM, trying my hardest not to gag.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT I DID TO THE POTENTIAL CRIMINAL??

Nothing. I patted his head and gave him a scratch.

All this delightful context to put into perspective this realization that came to me later that night, how is it that I - someone who actually had to clean up a mutilated bird - nicer to a cat that ISN’T MY OWN than Toga’s parents were TO THEIR OWN DAUGHTER. Now I’m no saint, and I realize a cat and a human are completely different, but come on, for real guys?

I don’t think we’re told how old Toga is in the scene where she’s offering her parents the bird (if you know please share) but we know she’s a little kid. Like I’ve said before, I’m studying psychology in college and I worked with kids in foster care, so if I know anything at all it’s this: Children are little sponges, and they automatically want to do whatever it is you tell them not to do. It’s a natural part of development, and actually something we don’t really lose as we get older (the specific term is rebel psychological reactance I think). So it’s really no surprise that after years and years of being told nothing but no when it came to these urges she had, she eventually just snapped. The kids I worked with were the same, the longer they were in the shelter I worked at the less they felt inclined to listen when we told them no, and I don’t think I need to explain why that’s dangerous.

Now, I’m not saying that consuming another’s blood as a child or gnawing on yourself in your sleep is normal behavior or something a parent shouldn’t be concerned about, but there’s a reason therapy focuses on replacing negative coping skills with positive ones. Did they ever go beyond just calling her weird and creepy? Did they take her to a doctor get a blood test and find out if maybe there’s a reason she was doing this beyond just being freaky? Does she have an iron deficiency?? I’m just rambling now and that’s pure speculation, but no, they just kinda insulted her over and over, told her not to, and sent her to quirk counseling which IS NOT a substitute for actual therapy I’m sure. The bottom line here is that you can’t take something away and not add anything in. You can’t tell someone not to do something and not supplement it with something else.

It’s little wonder that once she snapped, she went straight to “I just want to do whatever I want”, because she spent her whole life being told not to be something. I think it’s easy to forget that Toga is still legally a child at the start of the series, one who has not been taught how to safely deal with her urges. No wonder she felt more at home with the league of villains, they gave her what she never got. No wonder Ochaco’s actions in the final chapter shocked her so much. She was never accepted for who she was until then. She was never treated like she was a normal person.

The people who were supposed to love her most in the world saw her as a disease to be rid of, and I that disgusts me more than a dead bird ever will.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk, I’m gonna go ramble about how, as an author and a fan, I love her end even if it makes me so sad, and Ochaco’s part in it.

[octuscle]

I'm your average joe who works an average desk job and at 45 I have nothing great going for me. Sometimes I just wish I could do it over again. Maybe take up a diffrent major in college, something that would set me up for a more adventurous life. Can you help me achieve this?

Okay, who wants to be average? And who wouldn't want to know what their life would have been like if they had made a different decision at some point? I mean, your decisions weren't actually bad. Bank apprenticeship, business studies, going to the gym twice a week… You have a house in the suburbs, a cool car. It could have been worse! But also better. We can manage that! Monday, 12:00 noon, let's get started!

When you finish work in the evening, you're still full of energy. Even though you worked until 19:00 today. It's paying off that you started making the gym your home seven months ago. When you arrive at the gym at 8 p.m., Steve greets you at reception with a fist bump. Everyone here greets you. Some of them are good friends of yours. The rest at least know you by sight. No wonder, you're here every day. In the morning before work. In the evening after work. And the effort pays off. From a very well-built man with the typical rolls of flab, you have developed into an athlete. A machine. Not one of the big boys. But close. You call it a day at 22:00. You need seven hours' sleep, you want to be back here at 07:00. One last critical look in the mirror. Not bad for a man in his mid-40s…

Get up, gym, office… You work like clockwork. You're good at your job. The development of your body has boosted your career. Today you have another lunch date with a division manager. He asks you if it's time to take the next step in your career. It's been two years since you moved to the "Digital Research and Development" division. That was also the initial spark for your physical transformation. As an accounting employee, you had previously become a lazy and saturated couch potato… You smile and, as if by chance, flex your huge biceps. You know that makes him hot. And the prospect of a blowjob after lunch is tempting. Of course, he immediately notices that your cock is getting hard… You have his hand in your crotch for the rest of lunch.

When you arrive at the gym at 7pm on Wednesday, you first have to go through your post. As the largest shareholder, you are only the chairman of the supervisory board. But many people confuse that with managing director. Idiots who are just stealing your precious time on the weights. Since you introduced the "Meathead Gym" brand and turned your old gym into the flagship of the new brand, you feel even more at home here. No classes, no machines, no women. Just honest, hard bodybuilding. Dress code is at least off-the-shoulder. In fact, shirtless is preferred. It goes without saying that you don't wear a tank top either.

You're the first one in the gym on Friday morning. Good thing you have the keys. You look around. Your empire. It was a big step to leave your good job almost eight years ago and start working at the fitness start-up. For hardcore bodybuilders, you are now the market leader as a fitness studio, but also in nutritional supplements and gym clothing. Steve arrives at 05:30. He has the early shift at reception. You greet him with a fist bump. Good man. A little weak in the chest. At least compared to you… But he'll get there!

You visit a school friend at the weekend. His son is a handsome stud. He could turn into a real gym hunk. He asks if he can take a selfie with you. Sure, I'd love to, you say. He asks you if you can give him any tips on what he should do now. He's finishing high school now. You ask him what position he plays football. He grins and says that he prefers to spend his time in the gym. You can see that. You tell your school friend to listen away for a moment. And then you tell your son that he shouldn't bother with college and university. You're glad you didn't do that either. You started pumping iron straight away. And then brought your dream to life. Live your dream, you tell him. And that you'd be happy if it could start at your company.

[niuniente]

Hi Niu, sorry if this is stuff you've already tried or considered before, (and feel free to ignore if its not useful,) but I saw one of your posts about the struggles of trying to get your blood iron levels up when the iron supplements the doctors try to get you to take are way too strong and just make you sick, and I thought I'd send you a message because I've been dealing with very similar health problems for the last 6 years. My iron levels were so bad I couldn't eat any carbs, no fruit, no rice, no bread, no pasta, nothing with any kind of sugar in it at all because it left me in excruciating pain, because I guess iron is also something you need to digest carbs and low blood iron causes inability to digest sugars properly, (but my doctor didn't initially tell me that).

I ended up on a keto diet because protein, fat, and vegetables were the only things I could eat pain and my doctor kept suggesting really iron supplements that only made me sicker.

As a last ditch effort I decided to go back to the iron supplement I used to take as a teenager that I knew I could handle back then, which is a liquid formula meant for pregnant women and children. Its got a lot of herbs in it as well to make it easier to digest for pregnant women and kids. My doctor almost laughed me out of the office for wanting to try something so "weak" that wouldn't do anything. But I figured it couldn't hurt to at least try something.

And because it was a liquid supplement I could pour just a very little bit in the measuring cup and slowly get my body used to taking even a little bit more iron instead of being stuck with a static-dosage pill that was too much. And low and behold I slowly started to be able to handle a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more and now after two years of bringing my levels up very, very slowly I can eat a little bit of fruit or some beans again without pain! It took way longer than the doctor wanted it to, but using the gentler liquid iron supplement and being able to start with a very small doseage and raise it so slowly really was the thing that finally helped me start to feel better. That and finding out that taking Vitamin C at the same time you have things with iron in them helps increase the rate that iron can be absorbed by your body, (since I'm allergic to citrus fruits I was vitamin C deficient as well, so now I take a vitamin C supplement at the same time as my iron and it helps both problems).

Anyway, I don't know if there was any useful information there you didn't already know, but if you haven't tried a liquid iron supplement, (because doctor's don't take them seriously,) maybe it might be worth looking into?

The specific brand I take that was the gentlest I could find and works for me is called Floravit, Floravital, or Floradix, (depending on where you are in the world). It's made by a German company called Salus-Haus and I can buy it off the shelf in the grocery store in Canada without a prescription, so maybe its available in Finland as well?

(Fair warning, it is a liquid without many preservatives so you have to store it in the fridge after you open the bottle and it has a horrible taste, but I was so iron deficient and in so much pain that rinsing my mouth out after taking it was well worth the benefits imo).

Anyway, I hope something in here might help you, but if its all stuff you already knew/tried than I really hope you manage to find something that works for you soon. Because man, does chronic iron deficiency suck all the balls ever. Sending you some good thoughts either way!

Thank you for your message and your concern of my health! Having an iron anemia SUCKS ass. I'm currently back to keto diet, too, because my body just reacts the best to it. I've tried all possible diet you can ever imagine except for Atkin's in the past 20 years and keto works for me and keeps me the healthiest. It just requires extra supplements in my case but I'd need to take them anyway.

We have the German same liquid iron brand here but the only supplement I can use is called Sideral. It has iron in a special form and it's very gentle but my body just dislikes iron. Even that I can take only every other day 1 doze with a help of a supplement which aids iron absorption. It's... well, it's like trying to fill a leaking bath tub with a tiny mug in my case but it's better than nothing. I'm currently waiting for more messages from a doctor regarding what can we do about this.

The iron juice was my first option when I heard I need more iron and realized that I couldn't digest the supplement a doctor ordered me to have. I'm sad it didn't work.... I just can't have any iron dissolving in my stomach, that's why Sideral works for now (it's just so damn expensive Q_________Q)

Those who are concerned of iron and keto and such, I've given like 15 vials of blood for bloodtests in the past 2 months and I just went through another series of bloodtests yesterday with 11 vials of blood, - and there's a new bloodtest coming in November with at least 3 vials - so I'm being taken care off and examined seriously.

Good luck for you to beat the anemia and especially its source! I will hear in November if Sideral is working for me. I hope it does. At least I feel a bit better.

[0cal-sweetener-queen]

My current supplement plan

⚠️Disclaimer: this is highly personal and based off my cronometer calculations + the fact that I’m currently anemic. I recommend EVERYONE supplement heavily when restricting, but figure out what you need individually.

Daily Supplements

- Iron with Vitamin C (for better absorption)

- Hair Supplement with a bunch of B Vitamins (including Biotin) + Zinc

- Calcium with Vitamin D (for better absorption)

- Omega 3 (especially important for brain function)

- Magnesium + Potassium

Additional Habits

- Daily fruits & veggies (especially berries🫐)

- High protein diet (1.4g or more per kg of bodyweight)

- Nutrient enriched vegan foods

- Probiotic & prebiotic foods

- Making sure to eat the nutrients I don’t supplement in high enough doses

Sodium: salt on food, broth on fasting days

Selenium: 1 brazil nut a day

Copper: seafood, nuts & seeds, tofu, cocoa

Potassium: bananas, avocado, legumes

Iodine: seafood, seaweed, iodized salt

Other Supplements/Aids

- Fiber tablets, I usually take a few in a day to suppress appetite & help with digestion

- Diet Sodas, Coffee & Energy Drinks for appetite suppression & energy

- Different teas to help with specific concerns (chamomile for tummy aches, green tea for metabolism, stinging nettle for water retention, etc.)

- I smoke very little but sometimes I’ll grab a cigarette to help avoid binges when I’m stressed or hungry

Thoughts

I’m considering adding collagen but for now I think I’m good.

As soon as I loose my period again I’ll get my hormones tested and maybe start on the pill again to prevent osteoporosis. Hormones play a very important role in bone health!

[findingmypeace]

I’ve been having a very hard time with sleep since I admitted to residential. It started off with terrifying nightmares. In fact, one nightmare caused me to scream out loud which woke my roommate up and caused a nurse to come check on me. They put me on prazosin (it controls nightmares) at that time. We had to increase the dose several times because I was also having trouble staying asleep.

When I got home from residential I struggled a lot with eating overnight/sometimes in my sleep. Thankfully, this stopped several weeks ago. However, I also woke myself up several times because I was talking in my sleep. I was speaking real words and sentences most of which involve statements about how much I hate myself and how horrible I am. I’ve always talked in my sleep as my sisters can attest since at different times we’ve shared a room. But it was usually just mumbling nonsensical sounds.

Two nights ago I wasn’t actually asleep yet. It was kind of that twilight moment where you’re close to being asleep but still somewhat conscious. I was conscious enough that I became aware of saying, “I hate myself.” over and over.

This is really scary to me. I’m not sure why this is happening and why it’s statements like that, that are being repeated. I also feel out of control. It seems as if I can’t control my mind, or maybe even myself when I am sleeping.

Could this be a side effect of the medication? I am now taking 3 different meds before bed to control my sleep. Prior to residential I did struggle with my sleep but I figured it was related to the ed. This is different.

In PHP we would see the program psychiatrist once a week. But now I am in iop and when that happens we are supposed to go back to seeing our outpatient psychiatrist. My appointment with him isn’t for another month and this is the psychiatrist that is impossible to talk to between sessions. I do have a pcp appointment tomorrow and I will talk to her about but I’m not sure if she can do anything.

And that reminds me, as part of php I was required to get labs again. I got them done 2 weeks ago. These labs showed that I have iron deficiency anemia. I’m not sure how it all works because the treatment involves so many different things but to treat this I am supposed increase the amount of iron I eat, come in weekly for B12 injections, take a vitamin D supplement, and take prescription ferrous sulfate which needs to be taken with Vitamin C. Wow, that’s a lot. Still, I hope it helps as I’m still not physically feeling at 100% but SO much better than before residential.

[at-sabohteurs]

beth's relationship with the dining room and food is complicated and stem's from childhood trauma, and an eating disorder called arfid ( avoidant / restrictive food intake disorder ) _ repost of an old headcanon / meta of mine below the cut.

beth has an eating disorder called ARFID ( avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder ) - it is severely unacknowledged and overlooked by her family to the point where it could be considered outright dismissive. for the most part, i don't think it's intentional. they wouldn't know what it is, they wouldn't recognise the signs or symptoms and even beth herself, while aware of her relationship ( or rather, lack thereof ) with food, doesn't actually realise it for what it is either. an eating disorder. while a lot of her discomfort at eating at the table in the dining room does actually stem from the table itself and what it's supposed to represent, she subconsciously uses it as an excuse to escape meals without actually eating anything. she disguises her lack of interest in eating and her overall apathy to food by picking fights or becoming combatant, often prompting her to walk away mid-meal, if she even makes it that far at all. it's become so normal for her that the rest of her family ultimately don't recognise that she hasn't eaten, likely assuming she'll eat later. she eight times out of ten, will not.

a lot of what we see her consume in the show is predominantly alcohol, which while she does state is not a problem for her, she is correct in saying that it is a crutch, and one that she relied on consistently for years. she doesn't typically like eating in front of or with other people. she will outright avoid it, hence the unofficial diagnosis. that's not to say she doesn't eat, because she does when she feels the need or actually wants to. but she also is simply not interested in food most of the time. it did start young, as beth was known to be a picky eater as a child and would often refuse to eat certain things. that would develop into completely skipping or walking out of meals.

there are maybe two people who might know about her disorder, whether they realise that's what it is or not. the first is actually gator, who started picking up on beth's tells. they did have a conversation however brief and uncomfortable. it's why gator will often make whatever beth asks him to make knowing that if she's asking him for something specific, there is a high chance she will actually eat it. there are also times where he's either walked in on her in the kitchen making something or he's made her something just for her to eat when she wants to. he doesn't know she has an ed. the other person is likely lee, who is/was the closest to beth when it comes to the siblings. lee also probably didn't know what it was but he would have noticed her not eating. he never said anything to her or to the family, but there were times after beth left the ranch where he would text her often and occasionally ask her if she'd eaten yet. she knew he knew, but again, they never talked about it.

it does get better, especially throughout the events of the show and as she starts to feel less restless and more settled, in particular after finally allowing herself to love and be loved by rip. he notices her eating habits but doesn't really know what it means, though she will eat when he makes her something, so it might not be as prominent when she's with him until they move back into the lodge. it doesn't necessarily have a huge impact on her overall health. hell, she drinks and she smokes so if her body can withstand that, she must be made of iron anyway. but it is a factor in why she also doesn't sleep much early on, affecting her mentally more than it does physically.

while beth doesn't recognise that she has a disorder, she is aware that she doesn't eat enough. some of the medications she takes are actually supplements. so she has an eating disorder, but it is for the most part, manageable. it will never affect her overall health.

[deathsbestgirl]

so. when i was a kid, and schools decided to try & scare kids away from cigarettes. and they talked about all the things that happen to your body, the way it causes cancer and what cancer looks like...i went home and started stealing my dad's cigarettes & lighters. i did it a lot. and one day my mom found the stash of them hidden in my room. she sat me down and asked why i had them. i told her i didn't want dad to die and she told me dad wasn't going to die. but i think i held onto that fear, it never went away.

and then it happened. he had stage four throat cancer.

before his diagnosis, he was having trouble swallowing for months. eating took him hours. he wasn't taking it seriously, insisting he was fine. my mom & i were on his case for what felt like ages.

when he finally went to the doctor, she gave him antibiotics, obviously that didn't do anything to help. the second time, my mom went with him and he went to an oncologist.

i had a trip planned with my friend, i told her my dad's had cancer & i didn't know if i could go (we were taking a very long road trip back to where she lived). she was great, but my parents insisted i go. so i did.

i called everyday, and my dad was in the hospital the entire time i was gone. when i got back home, my mom & sister told me that he needed to be intubated, at some point he flatlined but he was stable now.

the tumor in his throat was cutting of his airway when they got him to the hospital. i don't remember what he was going to the hospital for, but it was a shock.

at this time, i was still pretty sick myself. and that week i came back home was the worst i ever felt. but it was different. i can't explain to you the panic i was feeling. we were at the hospital everyday for hours. i was making us food & bringing it with us and forcing my mom & sister to eat something. everyday. i couldn't stay in the room when the doctors came in. and eventually it was more than panic and "feelings of doom" — i was so physically ill. i remember going to cvs to get medicine, and everyone in the store getting out of my way & cut the line because i looked like death. i mean a literal walking corpse. i was *grey*

it turned out to be iron or copper poisoning. as soon as i got my period, i was perfectly fine. i'll never know which because i couldn't get to the doctor in time for blood work. (i stopped taking medications & chinese herbs & supplements i was on and i never had this problem again but. this is the second time i almost died)

my mom was so mad at me for leaving the hospital room. it was one of the first days i was back & we were at the hospital. i think they might have had to remove part of the tumor, as much as they could. and then he started treatment.

before he could, he had to have his teeth pulled & dentures made. he had already lost so much weight, and with chemo & radiation, he only lost more. my dad was never a big eater, or rather, he didn't really care. he ate what was put in front of him (he has nine siblings) and always finished our leftovers the rest of us ignored. but...eating became a struggle for him for a different reason. the man never ate anything sweet. maybe a coffee cake when he was drinking his black coffee. suddenly he craves sugar, because it was the only thing that didn't taste bland or terrible.

the longer treatment went on, the weaker he got. i can't tell you how many times i had to pick him up off the floor. (once, i was napping downstairs and he had to bang on the floor to get my attention. we got him a little siren thing after that, because he couldn't yell loud enough if we weren't close by, and banging wasn't always the best option.) or how i had to take the emergency break off his car so he could go somewhere. or once, he was determined to mow the lawn but he couldn't start the lawnmower, but neither could i (the thing was a dinosaur). i was suddenly bigger than my dad.

he had to have a feeding tube eventually, because he kept aspirating. i had to hide all of the alcohol in the house. he had stoped smoking cigarettes, but he was vaping. his fucking oncologist told him it was okay. i guess this was earlier on when they first came out.

the wound around his feeding tube just. never healed. we took him to the hospital a few times because of it.

i can't remember what happened, but one night we had to call an ambulance. my mom & i followed them to the hospital after we grabbed a few things. my aunt & cousin beat us to the hospital. and when we got there, before we found them, there was some confusion with the ambulances. and they mistakenly told us that he was septic. but it wasn't him, it was another man. and as they were wheeling him in we were so confused. the man actually looked so much like my dad, it was scary. but then someone said his name and we were like no. i looked at him again and was like. oh my god mom that's not him. he has no beard. and that's when my cousin popped her head out and told us where my dad was.

it was one of those things we had to laugh at and my poor dad had no idea what was going on.

whenever my dad was in the hospital, my mom & i would go to the bar with my aunt, uncle & cousin. tbone, the bartender & friend of the family, would send us home with a huge to go cup of our drink of choice. he never charged us correctly. i can't explain what a lifeline they all were. (it was the only time my mom & i would drink after my dad was sick & couldn't.)

there was a time he wasn't sleeping, like he'd be awake for days? one day i went out into the kitchen, and my dad was acting a little crazy. i think this was early on. he had spilled coffee everywhere but he wasn't cleaning it up. which was all very weird, as in i don't think i'd ever seen him spill anything. and he was a clean & neat man. i have no idea what he was fussing about, but i told him i would clean it up and he got so annoyed at me, because he was going to clean it up. but i waited at least ten minutes and he didn't.

after that, my mom got his doctor to give him something for anxiety. xanax, and he could only take half and it would knock him out for hours. it helped him so much though. finally getting sleep made him a brand new person.

early on, i think after that first hospital stay, they gave us an oxygen tank & cpr equipment. teaching us how to use it...but my sister & i we're lifeguards. we knew. and he did have to use the oxygen tank. there was one night there was a power outage, and when you have someone on oxygen in the home, you need to call the power company to alert them. they're supposed to give you priority. i can't even remember how this oxygen tank work, but i guess it needed electricity. i can't even picture the thing anymore, and so much is a blur. but it was not a fun experience. we were on edge.

and my dad. god he was such a goofy, quiet guy. unless you got him talking and he could TALK. he was very unlike himself. grumpy & quiet in a different way. bored out of his mind. he wasn't worried that night like we were.

there was another day, he was going to an appointment on his own. i don't remember what it was for. but it wasn't supposed to take long and he was gone for hours. he didn't have a cell phone, never felt like he needed one. he had tried to go to the medical supply store after his appointment, but he didn't know where it was. but instead of going home, he just kept driving up & down the road it was on. so me and my mom and half the family were driving around looking for him. my mom & i on the phone, and i finally spotted his car and he pulled into the shop rite parking lot. he was so angry & frustrated. all of this was really scary, it was completely unlike him. i think this was another reason for the xanax, and a cell phone. (for the longest time i kept the few texts we had sent each other. eventually lost them when i got a new phone.)

he did go into remission eventually, the chemo & radiation worked...but he never regained the muscles in his throat. he was going to physical therapy (or whatever therapy) to learn to swallow again and there wasn't improvement. the doctors said he physically wouldn't be able to eat or drink again.

and then one day, after i had just gotten back from a trip to boston, i was at work. my sister left college because she couldn't stand being 7 hours away when he was sick. they had a very special relationship i wish i could describe. and suddenly, i get a call from tracey, my mom's friend from work and it was her son i was working with. she told me to leave & get home right away. of course it was like 5pm and a 20 minute drive took at least 30. my aunt kathleen, who i had no idea was even in town, also called me. and i could hear in her voice exactly what was wrong. i don't even know who called me first. i remember texting the group chat with my friends that something was really wrong, i couldn't say it but i knew. through all of it, i had never gotten a phone call like that.

i get home and there's an ambulance outside. my aunt kathleen & aunt joanne are there. my sister is in my downstairs apartment. he had a blood clot in his throat that burst. my sister was alone with him. she had to call 911 & do cpr until the ambulance arrived, and they couldn't save him. it was his half birthday.

i can't describe what i feel for my sister. she wouldn't talk about it and she still hasn't. i had to stop my mom from looking at my dad. i don't think she could have handled it.

i've talked about how i don't remember that week very well. but what i do remember is needing to get his chair out of the house. it's where he was sitting when it happened, and we only got it so he could have an easier time standing.

not too long after...my now wife moved in with us. and then my nanny had to move in and my mom gave me & renata the master bedroom. she couldn't stand being in there anymore. she redid the bathroom & we painted, and she took the smallest bedroom.

after my nanny passed, and the pandemic hit. she took a trip down to cape may with my sister and she came home with a trailer at a campground. she lived down there the entire summer until october. and then she decided she wasn't coming back. she bought a house.

for a few years, we rented the house from my mom until she had to sell it. now it's gone. i haven't felt too sad about it, but i do now.

when it was happening, the only people i talked to about it were renata (wife) and ryn & james (my best friends). more recently, it's been easier to talk about him. it's been 4.5 years. and i have the best friends i've ever had. it's good to remember him and feel a connection to him.

remembering this wasn't easy but i think about it a lot. he never really complained, so he never told us what it was like for him. but how it was during it all isn't how i remember him. i remember him before, from when i was little & the tickle fights. the time i threw a tantrum because i wanted to stay home with him instead of going to school. going with him to the bookstore he worked in (all the books we had without covers) the stories he'd tell me about when i was a baby.m (he taught me to climb out of my crib, i'd pull the cabinet doors off & he's put them back on and i'd do it again) what a weirdo he was calculating his gas mileage. how he didn't vote consistently until i started making him. all the sci-fi shows he watched & that we would watch together. when he wouldn't tell me what the word orgasm meant & just kept laughing at me. the way he would take his sweet time making his coffee christmas morning while my sister was vibrating & waiting for him to sit down. how he only ever wore jeans, even in the ocean. how he walked around the house in his boots. how he hated getting new shoes because they were never the same. the way he always gave me & my sister something for valentine's day. when i needed a cortisone shot in my jaw & he took me and didn't make me go back to school after because i was miserable. the way he danced. he loved 30s, 40s & 50s music. he didn't understand how we could listen to the same songs over & over, but he watched the same things over & over. his love of horror. how he taken (mini series) with my sister. the last picture with all of his siblings. the picture of him & my mom when he's wearing a lime green shirt. him mowing the lawn with the bandana rapped our his head. the way i wore bandanas because i wanted to be like him. the greenhouse we used to have in the yard. how he used to grow pot on our deck and my mom made him get rid of it when i did dare (finding weed in his drawer but having no idea what it was lol). how he collected all the different quarters and kept half dollars & dollar coins. the photos he carried around with pictures of all the kids in our family. the way i'm "just like him" and what everyone really means is probably autistic lol the story about a gay man hitting on him. the time he was arrested at the shore for open alcohol or whatever and the cop was basically a kid lol the way he would swim out really far in the ocean with me & my mom would be having a heart attack and eventually the lifeguards would yell at us to come back in. the way he went on the rollercoasters with my sister bc i didn't like them. the way he barely used crutches for a day after his knee surgery. i think about my uncle kevin telling me how much he loved me & my sister & my mom.

[thedarkmistress16]

Hetalia x Fem!Pronouns!Reader- (Literally) Dropped Into Anime

Found the last APH thing I wrote about (years ago) and since I threw myself full-force back into the fandom again, I expanded this overdone concept for fun. And I was so happy with the writing style that I made myself write up to (at least) 5k words before posting this chap as a neat lil' personal challenge. Otherwise, I would've had this up a few days ago because holy shit I originally completed this part in two days??!?!!!?

Anyway, fem!pros here because that's how I roll with male characters x reader things, so substitute away~! Reader's life is kept vague on purpose but that may change in the future, and nothing about personal appearance is mentioned here. And reader swears because reader is an adult and is tired.

Chapter 1- Okay, So, I’m Here Now…

You were at home, content that you had a few days off to your name and a stomach filled with a delicious breakfast. Today, you would put yourself up to the task of completing work you had put off for quite a while. No social calls allowed! You had that luxury last week. This time, it was going to be all about what you will accomplish for the next few days. You happily rolled up your sleeves- figuratively, of course, it was summer after all- and got to work.

You got around to completing half of the first job’s workload until you suddenly felt an extreme bout of tiredness hit you.

You tried to fight it off, desiring to get back to what you were initially doing, determined to actually follow through on your own promise to yourself this time. You were an adult after all, with loads of different responsibilities that were all waiting to be finished when you clocked out each day. It was just depressing how many things you had to take care of now, compared to when you were a carefree adolescent who, ironically, only had to worry about growing up.

The supplies you were just using with ease completely fell out of your hands as your shoulders slumped. You started to walk out of the room to find an energy supplement.

Sometimes you wondered how you even had a lick of time for yourself anymore.

A weak groan escaped your lips, and your hand rose to your forehead to massage the irritating thumping that began blossoming there. Okay, maybe you needed to pop some aspirin, too.

Life really sucked sometimes.

Did you overwork yourself again?

Your pace slowed to a sluggish shuffle.

Did you remember to stock your groceries this week?

Fuck the drink, you were way too tired now for it to even take effect. Your feet pivoted in another direction, feeling yourself start to surrender to your own body’s wills.

Still, who were you to complain?

How were you so careless to do this to yourself again?

You struggled to keep your balance as you reached the doorway of your bedroom. You don’t remember being so tired you could barely walk.

You had a job, buddies, a family, your own place… you were doing good for yourself! 

You should’ve just gone out with your friends or treated yourself today. Why did you have to go and spoil it with work? Now you can’t even function properly and the whole day will be skewed now.

Your eyes caught the proximity of your bed and they immediately drooped, almost closing completely on you and your head bobbed dangerously.

Others had it worse than you… probably…

You really suck at taking care of yourself, huh?

And despite your best efforts to fight off the looming cloud of exhaustion that was trying to overtake you, flopping onto your bed and crashing into a dreamless state of mind became entirely inevitable. You vaguely feel yourself free-falling through your mattress before losing consciousness completely.

When you were on the verge of waking up, you heard muffled voices buzzing over your head, all a jumbled mess and becoming way too damn noisy as the seconds ticked by. You cringed at the uptick in loudness and made a sound between a moan and groan in a displeased protest. Your body reflexively turned away from the disturbance to your sleep, rolling over to turn your back to that side. Only you felt hardness on your body where you suddenly remembered that’s where your soft bed was supposed to be. You sat up with your eyes still closed, mumbling to yourself at how you probably fell off the bed again, silly, and thought it none the wiser. And you yawned yourself awake- stretching your arms upward as the sound moved past your throat and dropping them when you felt content.

It took a second for you to open your eyes and really see what you were actually looking at, but when you did, you froze in place. You cautiously moved your head around in different directions to find that all of the characters of a certain anime you once watched were staring right at you in utter silence- and you realized that you were in the conference room of the United Nations, sitting smack-dab on their table in the middle of their meeting.

While everyone was shocked into silence as you finally woke, a sole clearing of a throat could be heard down on your right. You all turned to see the character known as Germany straightening himself, shifting his posture in the chair he sat in. In doing so he gave away how uncomfortable he clearly felt, and turned to you. His eyes, while ice cold in color, held no hatred or disdain- but rather a strong curiosity, from what you could detect.

“I’m sure everyone’s wondering this, but, who are you?”

You never liked this question exactly; not whoever said it, particularly, but you never really knew how to answer it. How much information are you supposed to give? What were they looking to hear?

Never mind that this was the English dub of Hetalia you were currently in, apparently- how were you going to describe yourself to these people when you were still trying to figure it all out for yourself? Not to mention getting around to explaining how you even got here?

You didn’t notice that throughout your thinking session, you had been staring blankly at the German and letting out a very unattractive “uhhhhhhhhhh…” for god knows how long.

Someone’s fingers snapped in front of your face while a voice shouted at you irritably. “Hey- you! Ragazza! Speak, dammnit!”

“Uh?!” The sudden outburst from the brunette shattered your thoughts so badly that you yelped and fell back onto the table. You blinked wildly as your heart pumped harder from the adrenaline, feeling more shocked and startled than before. Your eyes struggled to refocus from the blind-sighting motion.

If you weren’t awake before, you definitely were now.

“Were you even paying attention?!” the same voice chided.

Really?!

Oh, like he wouldn’t be just as dumbstruck as you if he was in your shoes.

You had half a mind to-

Before you could muster a response that your brain was itching to let you unleash, another similar, accented male voice piped up. “Ah, fratello! Be nice to her! The poor bella doesn’t know where she is!”

You were still breathing heavily as you were slowly pulled up from laying down on the table, now with your legs loosely tucked beneath you as you shuffled with the movement. You now found yourself leaning toward one side as your shoulders were embraced by a certain Italian who smelled like an assortment of spices, but mainly oregano. You were too ashamed at your earlier display to even entertain a look- even if you had only watched one episode of the series in your life, you knew who he was.

 “Wow, you’re really pretty! I’ll call you bella!” He squished you even tighter and you flailed on instinct as your balance had faltered when he pulled you closer. You weren’t sure if you wanted to melt into a puddle due to your own embarrassment or from his expressive adorableness. And while you weren’t stellar at the implications of him considering you as a pet, you really couldn’t find it inside yourself to be mad at him for it.

Despite all this, and being treated kindly by one of the anime’s protagonists out of all the nations in the room, you still felt uncomfortable being hugged by a Hetalia character that shouldn’t even exist. It was unnatural to even feel him, let alone have him talking to you directly.

You almost felt as if you were breaking a law of some sort.

Speaking of, you were hyperaware of the stares you were still getting around the whole table, and they weren’t helping matters, either.

“Uh, that’s not my name…” you start awkwardly, suddenly not sure how to talk to him. You chanced a peek at his face then, catching a glimpse of that iconic strand of hair curling away from his head.

“Oh?” Italy slackened his grip to tilt his head and look at you. “What's your name?”

Whether he actually had his eyes opened or not as he addressed you, you felt flustered for a reason you couldn’t explain and looked down again. “_. My name is _.”

“Ve~! That’s such a pretty name, _!”

Classic Italy.

You softly laughed with a blush at his behavior feeling a little lighter at his genuine fondness. You began trying to wiggle out of his tight grip a bit, partly from being watched so intently by the others and partly because you needed some space to breathe and not think about Northern Italy’s touch.

You failed, but hey, it was the thought that counts.

“_? Where did you come from?”

Your soft smile from Italy’s attitude died with the question that was spoken somewhere behind you, which you correlated to China. You didn’t care enough to look, as more of the reality of your current predicament carelessly unraveled itself in your head.

What the hell were you supposed to say? That you were from a world where everything that was currently happening wasn’t real?

Or what if it was fact and you’ve never known that these characters were walking on the very streets you walk on for your entire life? Did you cross paths with them without yourself knowing?

Was this a vital secret that could endanger your very existence if you told?

Were you even in your world anymore? How many things that you’ve lived your entire life by have altered or ceased to exist here?

“I wish I knew,” you absentmindedly whispered, eyes roving over the individual grains which made up the table you were kneeling upon. If you squinted, you could barely pinpoint your blurry reflection contrasted with the muddy blue form of Italy’s uniform on the glossy finish.

Your mind had blanked then; afraid of the future and all its possibilities.

What was the use of marveling at fiction coming to life and being a part of that experience when you had no idea what would become of you here?

And how would these personifications actually treat you? Would they be as the canon depicted? They seemed to act like it so far, but how could you really tell if it was a facade unless you knew them more? On top of that, would you even be accepted?

Did you even exist at all as another version of yourself? Did you end up switching with that person?

How did you end up here in the first place? What triggered this?

��

Could you even go back?

England, who was seated a little ways from you on the opposite side of the table, inspected your slouched form intently. Italy had rephrased the earlier question China posed, in a softer tone laced with worry and apprehension. He nudged you lightly as he still held you, treating you as if you were now made of something fragile. You had heard him but did not visibly react. You were still too lost in your own head to focus on your surroundings.

The British nation spoke up in an expressionless fashion, his chin resting in his hand as his fingers tapped rhythmically upon the table. “No. She doesn’t have any magical properties, but I know for sure that she isn’t from this world…” He sensed his magical friends hovering next to him with curious looks, turning their heads back and forth between the two of you as if willing the answer to suddenly appear before them.

The other nations moved their focus to England, spouting their own opinions that quickly overlapped into a loud discussion and lessened the attention on you. You perked up at Englishman’s words, about to say something, but the vowels fizzled out on your tongue with an ashy aftertaste that had you grimacing.

It was true, of course. But you had no idea if he meant it as a good or bad thing, and whether that knowledge would cause the nations would take pity on you or keep you under constant scrutiny was uncertain. And that apprehension won over any potential excitement felt from the opportunity of interacting with the countries.

At least, more than necessary, that is.

“If that’s true, England, then we should decide where _ is going to stay for the time being,” Germany declares, cutting through the murmuring. He met your eyes briefly before surveying the rest of the room. “Any suggestions?”

“She will become one with me, da?”

Everyone shivered in unison and you actually felt the temperature in the room change drastically. You willed yourself to look in the direction of the nation, even as your instincts screamed at you to do anything else but that.

“Um, I think we should hear what other countries have to say first, Russia.” A meek, European voice toward the Russian’s left replied, vibrating so badly that you wondered if he would explode on the spot if he was touched ever so slightly.

Russia was expressionless for a moment, seemingly glaring at the opposer, before facing the others again with a pleased smile and responding ominously.

“Very well. I’m patient.”

You couldn’t suppress the shiver if you tried.

The awkwardness in the air heavily permeated the room until another nation broke it.

“Well, what about me?”

And then a chorus of every opinion under the sun reached your ears like an uproar at a concert. A lot of the same phrases, colorful insults, and familiar names looped occasionally past your ears, not unlike a skipping record with some deep scratches that were beyond fixing yet still in a state playable enough to justify keeping it.

It felt… odd, to refer to them as their names, you realize. Even in the safety of your own thoughts, it was too personal. You cringe at yourself, feeling very out of place, as you kept picking up tidbits of the bickering around you.

“Italy! Let her breathe and get down from the table!” Germany chastised, contributing to the other voices and making Italy plead like a petulant child. Upon Germany’s intense insistence, which consisted of raising his voice to an aggravated shout, Italy quickly relented in fear, quaking in his boots.

Though you weren't sure if he caught it, you sent the Italian an apologetic smile as he dejectedly detangled his arms from you and clambered off the shiny wood surface. You almost thank Germany for pulling you out of the spiraling thoughts you started to have again, before stopping yourself. You let out a breath and closed your eyes, taking a moment to calm yourself as overlapping accents from all kinds of lands buzzed around you.

Feeling more refreshed, you brace yourself for any future animated shenanigans before focusing back on the world around you. When you opened your eyes, a palm shoots forward right in front of you, stopping inches away from your body. As your eyes trailed forward and up the protruding arm, you quickly pieced together that it belonged to the Italian who was shouting at you earlier. He was now looking red in the face, refusing to meet your gaze yet flickering his eyes to you every so often as he addressed you.

“Well, ragazza? What are you waiting for?” His tone was still harsh-sounding, but softer now with how he was grumbling his words.

Right. He was offering his assistance in getting you down from the table.

You took his hand gently, moving to sit in an empty chair right next to him. After settling yourself, you turned to Romano to find him peering at you from his peripherals. You smiled at him gratefully, the appreciative words flowing easily past your tongue. “Thank you, sir.”

He somehow turned redder, sputtering like a faucet, as if indecisive on what to say before finally settling on, “prego, dolcezza.”

You had no idea what that meant exactly but felt happy all the same at his attitude toward you now. If this was his way of apologizing for scaring you earlier, he was doing a great job of it so far.

Well, for him, that is.

Among the uproar of conversation around you, the Italian spoke up again.

“Call me Romano, ragazza. Si?” He seemed to add this as an afterthought and didn’t look at you as he did so.

You were surprised he chose to introduce himself to you at all, blinking at him before expressing your happiness at his permission to use his name. Though it wasn’t his real one, it was still progress. “Grazie, Romano, please call me _, then,” you softly respond with the minimal amount of Italian you knew from fans' contributions, hoping the slight accent you put on it wasn’t choppy and unpracticed as it actually was.

Thank you Hetalia fandom!

He mimics your expression as he whips his head around, his long curl bobbing and swaying with the motion. He likely didn’t expect you to respond in his language, you conclude as you stare at his persistent curl. He sharply turns away and grumbles incoherently. You softly giggle to yourself so as to not offend him in case he heard you. You didn’t remember his tsundere side to be so adorable.

“... _ will not be staying with them. Who else?” Germany announced, and you were quickly tuned back into the current conversation.

You had no idea why your appearance became a discussion of which country you would be staying with at a world meeting so fast, especially without trying to get to know you first, but you were grateful enough to not complain about it. Figuring out a place to stay now eliminated most of the stress from your situation. It would also give you some mental and physical space to breathe from the other nations, and allow you time to decide on your next course of action.

“Well obviously,” England declared, shifting in his seat and crossing his arms haughtily, “she will be staying with me. I clearly know more about her situation than you lot.”

Okay... that was, presumptuous of him…

And while that smug look he sported was attractive in his own way, you were hesitant on sharing a home with someone who thought so highly of himself. You weren’t looking to be demeaned just for something out of your control, like being unknowledgeable in magic or something.

There was a collective beat of silence, and then one soul announced his thoughts. “She’s not eating your food,” the person deadpanned. The others silently nodded in a strange sense of unity.

Even though you didn’t say anything, you definitely agreed with that sentiment. You didn’t mean to judge him from the creator’s blatant stereotyping, but that was the bread and butter of the series, which meant England’s food would pose a real risk to your health if you dared to try it here.

And you felt a twinge of guilt toward the Brit at the thought, knowing it was a sore subject for him from the constant ridicule he got on it. That was until you heard his rebuttal.

“I’ll have you know that British cuisine is eons ahead of what you gits call ‘food.’ You lot are just unappreciative, uncultured-”

Okay, just because he’s objectively outnumbered doesn’t mean he needs to insult-

“So England’s out and he doesn’t get a vote. Who else has recommendations?” Germany resolutely cut through England’s sentence and your thoughts with a tired sigh, and you got the sense he wanted all this to be over already.

Wait. Did your appearance extend the time of their meeting?

…

Whoops.

Out of the corner of your eye, you amusedly watched England’s expression morph from cockiness into flabbergasted offense, before switching to mock indifference. He huffed and turned his head away. You thought he was also muttering something, likely a few choice words a gentleman probably shouldn’t say, before you stopped analyzing him in case you were caught staring.

Though their options were more limited now, it seemed the nations were at a loss of who to elect next, as there was a long stretch of silence that stretched throughout the room after quickly denominating England.

You almost forgot how savage they could all be when they tried…

“Since our guest won’t be staying in the hideous country of Britain, she is more than welcome to stay with me in the beautiful city of Paris!” A male clad in purple and red spoke up with a dramatic swish of his head, flaunting his long, blond hair as he winked at you.

The response was immediate.

“There’s no bloody way she’s staying with you, frog! Knowing you, you’ll try to pull something disgraceful on her, and I won’t allow it!”

You stiffened a bit and blinked at the loudness in England’s tone, surprised at how quick he was to be angry at France’s suggestion.

England hating France was a given, but…

Was he trying to defend your honor or was he that hurt at being shot down by the others?

No one else had volunteered to speak up despite them collectively deciding England had no say anymore, and let the argument between the two nations play out like two actors on stage.

 France pouted at England’s outburst. “Seriously Angleterre,” England bristled at the nickname, “you really think so lowly of me? I thought we were friends, non?”

The Brit thinned his lips in disapproval before responding lowly. “Being allies doesn’t make us friends, you bugger. I’m only saying that there are far more superior lands for her to occupy than your poor excuse for a ‘classy’ city.”

France, while clearly agitated by the underhanded insult, then smoothed his expression elegantly before he specifically turned to you with a smile, his eyes roving over what he could see of your form. It was then you realized he has been the first to do so since this conversation about your living situation started- not counting Germany, as he didn’t throw his territory into the mix.

“Well, since my beautiful homeland is being unjustly slandered by a classless fiend who thinks drab colors are fashionable,” he paused to sharply glare at England, who exhaled indignantly, before turning back to you with a warm expression. “Would you like to stay with my dear Canada, mon amie?”

Wow.

That… was perfect, actually.

Holy shit why didn’t you think of that?

The murmurs around you died down a bit, anticipating your answer, but you couldn’t pick up any of it, having all of your attention on France’s gracious offer. While you knew he did so because he wouldn’t have been nominated otherwise even if he was there, you had a good intuition that Canada would be kind to you- even if he was opposed to the idea of your intrusion in his space. It would give you time to think about this whole mess, and staying out of the other nation’s ways with a country they barely remembered at the same time was a bonus.

And the fact that France put your consent into consideration?

Was it possible to love someone within five minutes of meeting them?

You looked at France like he held the moon and stars, feeling your heart soar with relief. “If he doesn’t mind and you really think it’s okay, then I’d love to stay with him.”

He visibly brightened, “bon! C'est merveilleux! I’ll tell him rapidement and see you off! Tres bien!” France jumped from his seat, utterly giddy with delight and falling more into his natural tongue as he pulled out a phone and fiddled with it.

For some reason, your ears picked up some select, dejected groans at France’s words and you wondered if they were upset they didn’t get a say-

Wait. See you off?

…

Looks like you’re going to Canada, then.

~

France continuously gushed about you and his younger brother the moment you stepped outside of the meeting’s doors and after fully updating Canada on the situation. He was done so quickly that the other nations didn’t have a chance to properly interrogate you before France moved into your personal space and whisked you out of the room. He was now gliding through the halls with unbridled excitement and you almost thought he would break out into a dance, once again imagining him as a performer in his element.

You would’ve been annoyed by the constant chatter if he didn’t also include you in the conversation just as often, actively inquiring about your preferences in various topics. You appeased him and you both shared anecdotes of your life when appropriate, sharing laughs at your misfortunes and his recounts of fighting with England paired with their creatively petulant jabs toward each other.

His overuse of cologne was more tolerant the longer you stayed in his presence; your nose attributing the distinct smell of fresh rose bushes and lavender crops decorated in a morning’s dew became- to you- a mental signifier of France’s outlook on life. As he explained to you how he saw and embraced the beauty of the world around him, you felt as if you were learning about him for the first time with a pair of new eyes. It was admirable how he could express himself as such without any effort on his part, and you concluded that his soul was gentle- and his heart was bursting with such a strong amount of genuine love that it could not be contained and overflowed into all aspects of his daily life.

Then you remembered his pitiful attempts to stand up to Germany and you laughed to yourself.

You realized you were having such a nice time in the Frenchman’s presence that you had no idea how much time had actually passed as you two traveled. You also figured out where you were this whole time, which was right before the Canadian border. And the trip itself wasn’t long at all, because you were just a couple of cities over from where France’s little brother lived in.

France actually didn’t stop talking your ear off until you were both standing in front of Canada’s plot of residence; and as you followed his lead in approaching the quaint building, you grew curious as to why France had suddenly grown quiet now of all times.

“What’s wrong, Francis?” He had elected to give you his name almost immediately after leaving the conference room, insisting that you use it. He clarified that there was no need to be formal when you would be close to him and his family from now on, and that admission had you smiling stupidly and feeling a lot more at ease.

France seemed to realize he was thinking pensively and cleared it away by shaking his head with a sad smile. It was an expression that had you sobering from your relaxed state due to the bought of nostalgia his face brought to your memories.

“You just… look sad, cherie.” The seriousness in his words threw you off. When he turned to look at you, you also caught some sympathy glistening in his eyes.

Oh. The closest he could’ve seen you smile was when Italy was comforting you earlier, or perhaps as you swapped stories.

Was he able to figure that much out about you with just one look? Or were you accidentally playing your emotions for everyone? How many of them actually knew what you were thinking in that room?

You tried to manage a half-smile at France, but it was entirely too weak and wobbly on your muscles to hold properly. So you dropped the expression and settled on a casual shrug, avoiding his gaze to watch your foot carelessly scuff itself across the sparse grass that decorated the dirt. “I’ve just got a lot on my mind, that’s all.”

Even if you could sort through it and unpack it all right now, it was the completely wrong time to do so.

Ha. Where would you even begin?

France hummed, as if taking your words into consideration before trekking toward the front porch. He reached out to rap on the front door in a one-two pattern. Silence hung heavy in the air before a creak from inside the house broke the atmosphere.

As the door was opened, you were faced with a male who looked very similar to France. The strong smell of maple wafted from him, followed by a spicy or smokey undertone that felt refreshing. Apart from his more violet eyes, round glasses, his comfy style of dress consisting of a red flannel and plain, gray sweats, and the single curl drooping from the parting of his hair, he resembled more of France’s features, not unlike the Italian brothers.

Canada looked tired but perked up the moment France’s exuberant greeting caught his attention. When he looked over and realized you were standing there as well, he became more alert and bashful for some reason.

“Matthieu! Bonjour mon frere, this is the lovely _ I told you all about.”

You waved on cue from France’s welcoming flourish, smiling pleasantly at your new roommate. “Hi, it’s nice to meet you, Canada. France told me a lot of good things about you.”

You knew a lot more about Canada than France ever told you on the trip here, of course, but he didn’t need to know that. The last thing you needed was to make things more awkward than it already was, especially with someone like Canada, who would likely combust on the spot out of nervousness if you did.

“Nice to meet you, _.” Canada spoke, in a much softer tone and higher pitch than France. It was clearly hard for him to hold eye contact with you and not warble with his words at the same time, but you thought it was endearing.

You attempted to match Canada’s aura as you responded, trying to sound as accommodating as you could. “I hope my staying here won’t be too much of a bother, Canada. I know this is short notice. I’ll do what I can to try not to annoy you or get in your way. I don’t plan on intruding in your own space during my stay, and I hope we get along.”

Canada flinched and shuffled in place, and the shift in his expression told you he was more surprised than offended at your words. He seemed to actively attempt to maintain eye contact with you now, even smiling slightly. “Oh, you can call me Matthew if you like. And I think we’ll get along too, _. I actually hope I won't be a bother for you. I know some people don’t like my company and would rather hang out with others instead…” He raised his arm to rub the back of his neck bashfully.

He was probably the most normal nation you could ever hope to room with in this predicament and you couldn’t be happier at the thought.

“Not at all! I think you’re very easy to talk to, Matthew.”

And as you gaze at the Canadian, you see past scenes of him from the anime he belongs to flashing through your mind like an edited short film. You realize then that while those words had completely slipped out of your mouth on accident, you truly meant it now just as you did then as a first-time viewer.

You both share a laugh at the ease of tension any first, awkward meeting brings as France observes the scene contently. He beamed at the praise you gave him and was delighted to witness your politeness towards Canada, further cementing that letting you stay with his beloved younger brother was a great decision on his part.

You will definitely be visiting his home next.

That black sheep of Europe can suck it.

France bid you adieu, quite literally, and skipped away like a giddy schoolgirl. You could almost see the flowers and sparkles surrounding his body from the pure elation he emanated. You giggled at France’s departure as Matthew invited you inside.

Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.

~

[minty-fics]

Salt 'n Stairs

Presyncope/Orthostatic Intolerance fic3 

No way am i reading this again to fix anything, thatll be a problem for later minty

Word count: 677

BNHA / MHA / Hero Aca

Gender Neutral c/n

Interaction with TestuTestu, could maybe possibly be read as romantic if you look through the right angle but is mostly just very friendly with a bit of trying to ‘save face’

Summary: Early in the morning c/n runs into TestuTestu in the staircase and he doesnt seem to be doing too well at the moment.

--

"Shit!" A gruff hushed voice whispered, clearly annoyed or mad in some way.

Upon hearing the expletive c/n looks up to find the metallic hero student TetsuTestu… leaning against the wallrailing of the staircase. He closes his eyes and tries to calm the nausea that slowly settles down, yet the slight ringing in his head doesn't go away quite so easily.

"Testu?   ..... You okay over there?"

In shock he turns toward c/n's voice and as he moves he clutches the railing a lil tighter, keeping his balance better and ensuring he stays in place (as opposed to say falling face down on the stairs).

"C/n!? What, what are you doing there?" The boy tries to straighten his posture to make it seem like he wasn't relying on the railing of the staircase to keep him from falling over.

"It's pretty early I've never seen anyone else in this staircase at this time."

"Oh I was actually trying to return something to (name of some other 2a student) before it got too late."

"But TestuTestu." The seriousness in the tone of their voice worries and somewhat confuses him, causing his eyebrows to furl in response.

"You haven't answered my question. Are you okay over there?"

As they spoke c/n walked up the stairs towards the kid who finally seemed like maybe he could stand on his own.

"A-ah, um. I'm fine, nothing out of the normal. Just on my way to get some breakfast, yknow gotta get something in the stomach before starting the day."

At this point they're within a more normal distance for a conversation, and c/n's brows also furl after taking in the physical condition of their classmate.

"You're looking a lil pale, and. You do know you're shaking right?"

/what/

"Well barely shaking nearly swaying. You sure you're feeling okay dude? Wanna sit for a moment?"

.... 0.0

"I just need to get some food first then I'll be fine.... can't really take my iron supplements on an empty stomach."

The problem in this solution is getting to the kitchen or dining hall to get some food, and theres three sets of stairs between him and this goal. Stairs that would be much easier to traverse if he wasn't off-balance and tired.

"Ahhh. May I ask, you've said you have an iron deficiency, is it making you dizzy or nauseous right now?"

"Um, yeah actually. But I'll be fine. How, or, why do you know that it can appear like that?"

"Oh, I actually deal with a fairly similar condition. I get presyncope symptoms too, and in trying to figure out why my body does this I read about how iron deficiencies can cause the same things." "If you're desperate right now, or if you just think it'll help, I got some salt with me."

C/n reaches into one of their pockets to reveal a tiny repurposed mint container, shaking it to hear the tiny tiny sound of salt clusters shaking in the container.

"You don't have to its yours!" TestuTestu tries to courteously refuse but c/n is already shoving it towards his hands.

"I have extras in my school bag and somewhere in my room. Just take it. I'm not sure if it'll help you like it does me but it won't hurt to try. Go ahead."

They smile as TestuTestu grabs the container from them and opens it. "Thank you."    He pours the salty contents in his mouth and makes a grimace-y face at the intensity of the taste.

"I'm actually gonna just sit here for a minute, but you should really get that thing to (name from before). Maybe if I'm still here by the time you're coming back down we can both go grab something to eat before the day actually starts."

"Oh shit, (name from before)'s items. Thanks." They start to ascend the stairs again. "And Testu, take care of yourself and be careful on these stairs when you're dizzy like that alright?"

"Alriggghht." He fakes annoyance but end his sentence with a beaming smile as c/n climbs the stairs to the next floor.

[atduhton]

beth has an eating disorder called ARFID ( avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder ) - it is severely unacknowledged and overlooked by her family to the point where it could be considered outright dismissive. for the most part, i don't think it's intentional. they wouldn't know what it is, they wouldn't recognise the signs or symptoms and even beth herself, while aware of her relationship ( or rather, lack thereof ) with food, doesn't actually realise it for what it is either. an eating disorder. while a lot of her discomfort at eating at the table in the dining room does actually stem from the table itself and what it's supposed to represent, she subconsciously uses it as an excuse to escape meals without actually eating anything. she disguises her lack of interest in eating and her overall apathy to food by picking fights or becoming combatant, often prompting her to walk away mid-meal, if she even makes it that far at all. it's become so normal for her that the rest of her family ultimately don't recognise that she hasn't eaten, likely assuming she'll eat later. she eight times out of ten, will not.

a lot of what we see her consume in the show is predominantly alcohol, which while she does state is not a problem for her, she is correct in saying that it is a crutch, and one that she relied on consistently for years. she doesn't typically like eating in front of or with other people. she will outright avoid it, hence the unofficial diagnosis. that's not to say she doesn't eat, because she does when she feels the need or actually wants to. but she also is simply not interested in food most of the time. it did start young, as beth was known to be a picky eater as a child and would often refuse to eat certain things. that would develop into completely skipping or walking out of meals.

there are maybe two people who might know about her disorder, whether they realise that's what it is or not. the first is actually gator, who started picking up on beth's tells. they did have a conversation however brief and uncomfortable. it's why gator will often make whatever beth asks him to make knowing that if she's asking him for something specific, there is a high chance she will actually eat it. there are also times where he's either walked in on her in the kitchen making something or he's made her something just for her to eat when she wants to. he doesn't know she has an ed. the other person is likely lee, who is/was the closest to beth when it comes to the siblings. lee also probably didn't know what it was but he would have noticed her not eating. he never said anything to her or to the family, but there were times after beth left the ranch where he would text her often and occasionally ask her if she'd eaten yet. she knew he knew, but again, they never talked about it.

it does get better, especially throughout the events of the show and as she starts to feel less restless and more settled, in particular after finally allowing herself to love and be loved by rip. he notices her eating habits but doesn't really know what it means, though she will eat when he makes her something, so it might not be as prominent when she's with him until they move back into the lodge. it doesn't necessarily have a huge impact on her overall health. hell, she drinks and she smokes so if her body can withstand that, she must be made of iron anyway. but it is a factor in why she also doesn't sleep much early on, affecting her mentally more than it does physically.

while beth doesn't recognise that she has a disorder, she is aware that she doesn't eat enough. some of the medications she takes are actually supplements. so she has an eating disorder, but it is for the most part, manageable. it will never affect her overall health.

[lauvra]

I'm feeling so unproductive, really blocked creatively; but part of that seems bred of self-induced additional pressure somewhat unreasonable. It's partly this awful sleep routine I'm still reining in. Just get up earlier, Laura. Go to bed earlier, Laura. Be real, just do the right thing. Waking up after midday is inexcusable. Thinking ahead has never been my strong suit; so the temptation is to course-correct by staying up late caffeinated, which I hate to say sometimes produces great results but feeds into this game of catchup. I've started taking iron supplements again, knowing my body feels drained in the familiar near-anaemic way (and I worry it's something worse, but no doctor so far has listened to my concerns or so much as donned a stethoscope--eventually as a woman you get tired of pushing, it becomes humiliating). The guilt too comes from knowing this season of my life is the most privileged of all and I may never be blessed again with this much available to me. To not honour it completely is some kind of creative sacrilege. I'd been living in survival mode for so long doing the bare minimum easily tired by any minor effort exerted that since coming to believe, finally, that my life is worth something, a real sense of obligation strikes me that at a larger scale I simply am not doing enough in various areas. Not as much as I should and could be doing. There's a truth to busyness being a kind of faux-productivity, in a way, but there's also an element of pride to the minor tasks like, sure, today I've watched a shitload of YouTube reaction videos, but I've also got a vegan dinner stewing in the slow cooker and have stayed on top of household chores. I've faced some uncomfortable obligations this week and at least considered interesting things today; mentalism, the topic of precognition, the study of Oneirology and in-dream experiences that span years cognitively, the social perils of censorship, I've discovered the art of Celia Paul thanks to someone on here; and in so, reconnected with an element of this site I love so much; the sharing of genuine creative works and mishmash of what's real and available when sought. Even though I'm behind in my learning and merely showing up lately as that chatty girl in class--I am at the very least attempting and in some ways succeeding to connect with others in my group and engage new ideas. Friendship has been on my mind a lot, my need for it, my very real sense of distance from platonic friends and knowing how much they're needed. Something about letting this out of my system comes as such a relief, all day I didn't feel capable of even forming a stream of consciousness and in having done so, sense maybe now I can get on with some stuff.

[moonjxsung]

hi lovely,

theres never a need to apologise for delayed responses!! I'm sure most of your anons will share in this sentiment but the fact that you even reply is enough so don't feel like you have to apologise! At least not with me <3

I'm no longer sick, just absolutely exhausted - just hoping it stays that way until Christmas passes. I've been taking my supplements and whatnot so we're good so far. I hope you're also taking care of yourself and that you're able to avoid getting sick 🩷

As for the A.C.E recs - I should be thanking you for even letting me share them with you. I always love being able to share groups I enjoy so thank you. Feel free to let me know your opinions (but no pressure there!) They're having a comeback soon and needless to say, I am excited about it. The concept has me going insane.

This might seem strange to say but I love your work updates. It's always so lovely to hear you're doing better. And even when you're struggling, it's nice that you're able to talk about that (i really do believe that talking can help to make a massive difference). Your new boss really does sound like she's shaping up to be a good boss. I hope things continue that way. And I have no doubt it your professional capabilities, Star! In case you ever feel some kind of doubt just remember, she trusts in you and your skills for a reason. And you've made it this far by proving that you're worth it. It's always a growing process and you'll get there in your own time. I just hope you're feeling like your heads out of water a bit now. I'm beyond proud of you and your efforts 💕

It's crazy how I want from have like thousands of ideas to forgetting literally every single one when I wanted to type it out 😭 honestly the most frustrating thing ever. On another note though, I read through most of your kinktober pieces and I have to say that Minho hate sex one-omg, I ascended! (or maybe descended 👀) no, but fr - they're all so amazing but that one, specifically, deserves to be printed and framed. Your knack for writing really hasn't disappeared and we all thanks you for sharing the fruits of your labour.

either way, take care, my lovely. I hope you stay safe, healthy, and happy.

-🦁

Hi my love!!! How’ve you been !!!!! I’m so glad to hear you’re not sick anymore 🥹 totally get you on the tired part though, I’m not sure if it’s my antidepressants, but I’ve been OUT of it whenever I finish meetings lately. My sister just started the same antidepressants on the same dosage as me, and she’s also been sleeping for insanely long amounts of time. We often do work together in my room, but lately we keep dozing off in front of our laptops because we can’t stay awake 😭 I did get a blood test a few weeks back and I’m insanely low on iron & vitamin D, so it could be that. I’ve started supplements too and I’m hoping they’ll help at least a little. Glad you’re taking them too!!! ❤️🙏

Also I didn’t know A.C.E. is having a comeback soon!! That’s so exciting! It’ll be my first comeback with a little knowledge of them thanks to you, so I’m definitely going to tune in! So exciting!! 🥹

Work has been going better for sure (still a lot of work, but good for the most part) and my boss is really cool. She’s really funny which I think is super comforting. And honestly I’m finding myself able to get more stuff done now that I’m on medication again. It feels great to not have such a robust fight or flight response to everything now. I’m just kinda pushing through it and hoping for the best, but the higher confidence means that I haven’t run into anything too bad in terms of my projects. Thank you for letting me vent about it to you, it seriously means the world to be able to get all my feelings out there and get it off my chest 🥹 your words of encouragement really mean the world to me and I hope you know that I’m rooting for you JUST as much.

Also a HUGE thank you for loving Kinktober !! ❤️🫶 I’m planning on ranking all of them based on popularity when the event is officially over (I need to buckle down and finish editing day 31), but Minho hate sex was definitely pretty popular on here. Glad to see Minho is still so appreciated on my blog 🙂‍↕️ also I totally feel you about forgetting ideas when you sit down to write them!! Happened to me an insane amount during Kinktober 😭 I still can’t fathom how I did it lol

Thank you always for your kind words, my lovely 🥹 sending you so so so much love and I hope you’re taking care of yourself. Looking forward to chatting again soon (and I can’t wait for the comeback!!) 💓🩷🫶 all my love!!

[goodgaymckay]

(Peroids and kinda Somnophilia)

Thinking about Rex looking up at Jeb Like a feral animal, face covered in blood, after eating him out.

Also thinking about Rex forgetting that pussys bleed sometimes and freaking out that Jeb is bleeding. Like he walks up next to Jeb in a puddle of blood (heavy fucking flow dude, Rex is gonna ride the crimson river, like dear God man, takes iron supplements type flow) and thinks Jeb is dead, bleed to death in his sleep. He goes to check the scarring, but his unfamiliar with it. Maybe steel wool is killing again, maybe someone poisoned his boyfriend, maybe God needed to strike him down. God always picks the prettiest flowers :(

Then he thinks maybe Jeb got shot, and that's why his bleeding so much so he starts figuring around to find the bullet because he can't find an exit wound. Then finally Jeb, the heavy sleeper, awakes from his weird wet dream to find his boyfriend figuring him and is like "Goodmorning!"

Regardless of whether Rex is trans in this or not, I think that he doesn't know how female bodies or how the menstrual cycle works. I can vividly see him getting a very confusing, misinformed sex talk in a church basement as a middleschool child from a slightly older teenage youth pastor.

I think this would hit harder if he was trans. When he started bleeding, he thought about Eve's sin and how his body wasn't right. He's parents probably didn't teach him anything useful besides "don't stick tampons in there" so little dude just diy'd shit until he got on T as a late teen which his parents where surprising chill about, they always wanted a boy! They told the church their daughter went to study abroad and spread the work of God and that this was there long lost son who came back to them.

Anyways, dude thinks peroid clumps are from the eggshells of chicken sized human eggs, females have human sized eggs they just don't feel it because they get mushy when exposed to air. When jeb feels sick, he'll give him a ton of advice and home remedies his parents gave him that don't help at all. Jeb has to tell him to stop, so he tries to educate himself online. He spends 3 hours researching the best heating pads and then gives it to Jeb while their having a cuddle sesh. He kinda gets jealous that no one gave him a heating pad but likes watching Jeb get all comfortable. I drank coffee for the 2nd time in 2 years. My thoughts are very messy and trans rn.

Also, I think Rex's dead name should be like a grandma name like 'Esther'.

He'd also be determined to eliminate the pain through any means, including giving Jeb a ton of earth-shattering organisms. If he's being of service to Jeb he's being a Good boyfriend and Christian so can it really be considered pre material sex? Is it sex at all if it's for his bestie!? He's fucked Jeb before but does it actually count, it couldn't be helped Jebs so sweet and way to horny all the time, it can't be the devil tempting him when Jeb is the nicest person he knows, so it's actually very Christian and morality okay to make his boyfriend cum alot.

I love trans jebrex

[littleguypumpkinsheep]

This is in response to your "personal shit" post. No need to respond if you don't want to. I just read through it, and I recognized a lot of the things that I have been also struggling with for the past several years. I wanted to possibly offer some insight as to what might be happening and how it could be remedied.

(Disclaimer, I am not a trained professional, I am only speaking from personal experience and providing suggestions based on what I have been through and what has helped me.)

One potential explanation for what might be happening: you may be going through a depressive episode. While yes, it is good to sleep and make sure you rest enough, it seems to be getting to a point where it's becoming more detrimental. I would recommend trying to resist the urge to sleep constantly, and instead try to engage in some low-energy hobbies. Doing something you enjoy that isn't too tiring can help slowly pull yourself out of this depressive state. I would also recommend speaking to a licensed therapist if that option is available to you. Trying to have short, simple conversations with people you are close to may also help with the repulsion.

Another potential cause: you may be deficient in certain vitamins and minerals. A lack of Vitamin D, Vitamin C, Vitamin B12, Iron, Magnesium, or maybe several of the above could be what's causing your fatigue and making you sleep so much. I would recommend looking into the kinds of food that provide these nutrients and trying to incorporate them into your meals more. As for Vitamin D, supplements can help if you're unable to get enough exposure to sunlight.

I hope you find this helpful, and I hope that you feel better soon!

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this for me, I genuinely appreciate it with my whole heart. Things have been. Sort of going downhill in one big slump lately regarding my physical and mental health and I think it’s getting to me a lot more than I thought. I’ve just been stuck in bed for so long I can’t even remember when it first started and it’s just. Eugh. It makes me feel gross. I think it may be a mix of a massive depressive episode AND vitamin deficiency like you said, since I’ve not been eating much because I’m. Yknow. Mostly asleep all the time. Thank you so much again for the wonderful advice, it truly means a lot to me and I hope you’re doing well. <3

[blueprint-poetry]

thoughts for the beginning of the process

I grew quiet and I laid low, I’ve been spending a lot of time laying on the floor, staring at the ceiling. My phone’s been on silent for days with not a single missed message waiting when I circle my way back out of my own head.

The dog and I stare each other down until one of us gives with a clever expression of affection. There’s a lesson in sustainability growing out the quiet of my front porch. And I’ve been talking to myself at night that tonight, we’re gonna sleep in greater peace and how I promise, I promise, we’re gonna be alright.

The park’s a stone’s throw away, and the history we used to roam is one sleepless night’s visit, or maybe I’ll see it again in the sunshine as I remind my own two feet we’ve always stood on our own.

And if He’s the only one left here listening, then I sit on the couch creating space to finally be heard. And if we’re not talking, wrestling with questions are done in this quiet, cause Heaven knows those are irons we won’t be utilizing.

See, I do my own weightlifting and I’ll supplement whatever I need to until I start to see improvement and take it as far as I need to go to be seen.

Cause I can’t always go the full hundred and I can’t always make a mess to be heard. Been feeling a stain on my vocal cords lately. And wearing ’em out when they gotta last me seems so silly.

So I’m quiet. And in the still, small hours of the morning, I believe I’m worth it.

—blueprint poetry