#maybe i just dont have access to better representation

[bxdtime-ceai]

representation is great but i wish there were more aro/ace/aroace characters who aren't teenagers. i want to see young, middle aged and older adults discover/talk about their aro/ace/aroace identities. there is so much variation! so many stories to tell! but i dont think we can get this kind of representation without addressing the entertainment industry's obsession with youth

[soudakuwunmoment]

i feel like theres smth to say about the relationship between dirk and hal compared to the relationship between dave and davesprite. like i dont know what, but theres parallels and differences that i think are interesting, and you could use them to come to some kind of interesting conclusion about the differences between dirk and dave

hal was created to be a tool for dirk to use for convenience and to utilize as an upperhand in sburb (multitasking mostly) hal did not want to exist as a tool. hal wanted to exist as the person using the tool but got the short end of the stick by pure chance and has to live with his actions after not having thought them through.

davesprite decided to become a tool for dave to use to have better chances at winning sburb. dont take this as me saying that davesprite enjoys being what he is. simply that he was prototyped by his own will.

hal is considered to be a false version of dirk. he is technically dirk, but he is different enough that dirks friends do not perceive him the same way, and in some cases, do not consider him their friend.

davesprite is considered to be a fake dave. not that anyone doubts the validity of his existence as Dave Strider; more-so that people consider dave to be "the real dave" and davesprite to be an iteration of him, despite them both being real daves who lived different lives.

dirk and hal have an antagonistic relationship. they accuse the other of being exactly the same, while sometimes switching to claiming they are the superior version - dirk for his existence in the physical plane and being The Original, and hal for his intelligence and capabilities as a digital being with access to any information he desires in an instant.

dave and davesprite have a very subtle relationship. we assume davesprite struggles with feeling inferior to the alpha timeline dave, but dave doesnt reflect those feelings. dave sees davesprite as simply another him, maybe since hes used to meeting other versions of himself. they are generally friendly to each other, davesprite offers dave any information he might need about the game without being cryptic, but dave doesnt really take the offer. other than this, they dont interact all that much.

dirk and hals relationship is somewhat of a fight for dominance, constant low-blows, social gymnastics and psychological warfare, which reflects the self-loathing nature of dirk and his splinters.

dave and davesprites relationship has similar themes of inferiority, jealousy, and being seen as the "real dave" but its much more constructive and dave seems eager to assure davesprite of his validity.

maybe its representation of how dirk and dave deal with.. emotions? trauma? something like that. dirk is defensive and lashes out at others who he sees himself in, while dave is empathetic and reaches out to other iterations of himself because he understands how they feel. im not saying either is better than the other, just interested in how their personalities have an impact on how they react to having themselves reflected back at them.

you could also add jade onto this!! i was really interested in how she was so cruel to a reflection of herself despite how nice she normally is, and how she was able to recognize that about herself. shes somewhat like dirk in that sense, but i think shes more... self aware than him? something like that.

this post was more meant to be about dirk and dave tho :3

[wh0lemilk0vich]

"For anyone wondering this is about Home for the Holigays, the start of a Christmas romcom style fic with coworkers in a fake relationship au gallavich and chubby!Mickey. I definitely agree that it needs to be finished. Maybe I'll start working on it for a Christmas in July sort of thing, but y'all have to be patient, it really triggers my demand avoidance haha. Tell me about what things in it you liked, engage with me about what's resonating with you, tell me about your hopes for them, that'll make me feel really good and make me want to write. It's like when I'm trying to date and everyone keeps asking me to send pics, like they just want access to me. It feels objectifying to only be asked for more content. And don't get me started on kudos/likes to comment/reblog ratios. Just remember I'm a person with shit going on and I write because it's my burden to ensure there's some fat representation and fat sexuality in my favorite fandoms, so that I and people like me can feel seen and appreciated and beautiful and sexy and engage in kink material from a different perspective."

I gotta put it here so I can remember everything I wanna say.

I'm sorry if my ask came out more "I want this asap or I'm gonna riot or die." And less "omfg you're such a good writer and i fucking love this and cant wait for more when its available" I forget that things dont always come across how in thinking. It's like I miss a step when talking.

And mickey is like a porcupine marshmallow. Soft on the inside with tender feelings that he wants to hide and then thr sharpness on the outside to warn people off.

I absolutely love that fic as well as many others you've done, even other fandoms.

You write gallavich well especially what I think both inner voices sound like. Ian's like a bounding and happy golden retriever until his siblings piss him off then hes doing that growling smiling thing dogs do.

I love how much ian just fucking ADORES mickey and ESPECIALLY after lip says something ian focuses more on making Mickey feel fucking present and cared for as subtly as Ian can.

Part 1 because I'm falling asleep and want to be coherent.

😁😁💙💙

Ahhhh

Ok first of all, let ME apologize because I really want you to know that my response before was not a direct response to you, and I'm sorry for answering your ask in a way that made you into a scape goat, just because a pattern of behavior has been upsetting me.

Now, let me thank you so much!! It's incredibly validating to hear, particularly the part about their voices. I know fan works, in a way, really play with the concept of characterization, what can be considered in character v. out of character. I like to think that even when I'm changing some of their material conditions and realities to match some of my experiences and desires, the essence of the character is still there and I'm glad you feel it too. 🥰🥰 It's such a good feeling and really empowering to know what parts of my writing are working well. I'm also super open to constructive criticism because I want to be getting better and I feel like I'm weird with pacing haha!

So anyway, thank you so much for this!! It was a treat to receive ❤️

[overdramatics]

i think fan content created by cishets who fetishize queer relationships has had a huge impact on a lot of the current community, at least online. i say this because it affected me a lot too; when i was 14 i didn't realize that all those popular gay ships weren't by actual sgl people but by cishet people, so i bought into it. the terminology and “representation” the used and created had a big impact on the way i viewed queer relationships as well as the terminology i used. maybe the most direct example of this is that phrase we’ve all heard- “you're such a bottom/they’re such a bottom.” I’m going to assume that we all know why this doesn't make sense since it has been deconstructed many times so i wont explain why ~being a bottom~ is in no way a personality trait or something you can tell about a person just by the way they look/act since this is information you can easily access by a quick search if you’re unaware.

throughout any fandom within the past several years (i would say 10 years but that does feel like a stretch, somewhere between 5 and 10) you can find a multitude of cishet girls taking any short and/or feminine guy character or real life person and calling them a bottom. taking any two skinny white men (fictional or real) and instantly shipping them, not because there is real chemistry or they genuinely care about good representation but for obvious reasons that... aren't those things. young teenagers who are entering online fandom spaces having recently started coming to terms with their sexuality/romantic orientation haven't quite gotten to the point where they can be critical of online spaces or the content they interact with and who that content is created by. all they see is a place where gay relationships aren't treated as disgusting, so they practically instantly embrace these spaces*. again, at this point they basically cant be critical of the media they consume and the contexts its created under, so they end up getting so much of their “representation” from cishet content creators (especially since it can be difficult to know that the content you’re consuming is a fetishized version of queerness created by cishet people if you dont know what good rep looks like or the identities of the creators you follow).

i am not the right person to go in depth in this aspect of it (I’m white, tme, and nblm), but it needs to be noted that fetishized content and its creators are often very white, which is why mlmoc/nblmoc are rarely seen in these spaces, they’re erased and if recognized its often only through harmful stereotypes. also it needs to be noted that wlw/nblw and trans fem people are vilified in these spaces while (white) mlm/nblm and trans mascs are infantalized and fetishized.

hopefully its started to get better recently, but i don't know since I’m largely removed from fandom spaces. the only “fandom” I’m in is mcr and even then i follow very few creators and they are all in some way lgbtq+ and I’m pretty sure many are poc. so idk the current state of fandoms abroad bc i mainly follow blogs who are critical of this kind of thing. i do hope that fandoms across the internet have become more critical of the content produced within them and of the creators producing content. I think the best way to solve this issue is to help young queer people entering fandom spaces know what the red flags of infantalizing/fetishizing queer relationships looks like and point them towards good lgbtq+ creators as well as creators of color.

the reason that this is such an issue, beyond people annoyingly calling every feminine and/or short man a bottom or every white gay man they see a twink, is that it erases decades of queer culture and allows cishets to define our language. im sure it especially impacts black queer history as well (eg; white lesbians calling themselves “studs” when that is a black exclusive term). and dont get me wrong, im not specifically blaming young teens who simply dont know better for this issue existing. and, since im afraid that some terf or exclusionist hopping on this post, when i say cishet i am not reffering to trans fems or ace/aro people “”””polluting the community””””” so dont start with that, i am talking about the issues that come with predominately white cisgender heterosexual people fetishizing and infantalizing mlm/nblm while erasing queer terms and history that have existed for decades and vilifying wlw/nblw, trans fems, poc, and people who are more than one of those.

TL;DR: unfortunately very young people are impressionable and not critical of the communities and content they interact with, this has caused a shift in (mainly) online queer spaces.

*as a clarification, when i refer to “spaces”/”these spaces” throughout this post i am talking about fandoms, or certain corners of fandoms, that are mainly comprised of white cishet people where most of the content and the center of focus is shipping two male characters (or real people), most of the time they are white, skinny, actually straight (not mlm/nblm), and if not already fitting into male+female gender roles they get put into those roles (there is one feminine one and one masculine one). for examples, think of destiel and like any band ever (ryden, petekey, frerard, etc.)

[convervative-blog]

so, ptsd is the only dsm v recognized disorder which is classified as a psychiatric injury and not a congenital, inherited expression (ok blah ignoring that of course many things like bpd are now becoming known as typical complex trauma/abuse responses but thats not what this post is about, marsha linehan was robbed i will fight everybody...anyway...)  alot of ppl really seem to misunderstand what ptsd is. it is an injury to our brains, it is a psychiatric injury which clearly and visibly affects our limbic system, our amygdala, our hippocampus. it literally lights up how we process memories events circumstances. it activates our pons, the area in our brainstem responsible for controlling stress, our “lizard brain”, the part of our brain that instinctively knows when shit is wrong and reacts and slams the 10/10 button before u have time to think. the adrenal system, the part that floods ur body with cortisol, adrenaline, endorphins, epinephrine, your muscles tighten, your pupils dilate, you know you can put your fist through something if you have to, you know you can make a run for that closet and hide in it if you have to, you know you gotta do something because shit is going down motherfucker!!!!!!!!!!  ok so like some ppl with ptsd can be violent. we see this in media portrayals of ptsd all the time, the guy had a gun he was in iraq he went crazy. like thats the normal narrative, and ok within our community we really dont want to discuss how this is real and could be real for people. ok of fucking course that narrative is bullshit because most people with mental illness are more likely to be victims of violent crime not perpetrators and we need more positive inclusive healing narratives of ptsd because we want to see representations of ourselves! but this isnt about that because weve seen those posts, weve done the discourse, were doing the discourse, so im gonna talk about something else. something thats gonna piss everybody off so buckle up cowboys yeet haw.  some ppl with ptsd become abusers, thats a fact. because some people cant deal with stress at all, they become hyperreactive and that reaction is fists, yelling, screaming, throwing things, becoming incoherent and nonsensical, etc etc. when your heart reaches 180 bpm (and it does with virtually any indistinguishable environmental or emotional trigger, it absolutely gets that high when your lizard brain takes over), you stop being able to think logically.  part of having ptsd for me was learning that this is me, i dont hit but when little things happen my brain completely sheds the part of my personality that is logical reasonable and calm. my decision-making part, my risk/reward analyzing part, my organizing part. frontal lobe? lol seeya. i immediately become enraged and if i do nothing else ill usually yell/scream at TOP VOLUME and then after about 30 seconds, 60 seconds, when it cools off ill feel bad about it. sometimes when im having a bad day and multiple little things have gone on, ill get progressively worse and storm around swearing and slamming things, simmering, trying trying trying to get it under control, trying to fight through the hormone surge to claw back my reason, my sanity. its something i literally cant control, i have tried my whole life. im not denying responsibility for it of course im responsible for it, but thats reality, its my reality. its my reality that the person i live with has secondary ptsd because of me because of my life because i was a sex trafficking victim from age 8 and i cant deal with dropping a cup of water anymore because of it. my brain is literally damaged, literally, literally, literally.  and i have hurt people because of it. maybe not physically but that doesnt matter. theres a person on this planet who is affected by the things ive done and will always be affected, and there is nothing i can do to fix that, or change it. as long as im alive it will be their reality as my caretaker (because atm im unemployable obviously for those reasons).  and you go to therapy and they say “try writing about your anger,” you know. “try focusing on what makes you angry.” nothing makes me angry its not about that, its not about that at all and it shows a distinct lack of comprehension of what ptsd is. ptsd is your brain being unable to deal with minor, mundane, ordinary stress. and ppl dont grasp what the word stress in neurological contexts means. it means novel, sudden actions. there are even good stressors and bad stressors. sex is a good stressor! lots of action! lots of cognitive shit going on! going on a date, going to a movie, riding a roller coaster, meeting a stranger, being startled accidentally, dropping/breaking things, running out of meds, being late for something. theyre all ordinary things that most ppl can deal with even if its inconvenient. people with ptsd cant. because our brains are conditioned to view every stressor response as a potential trauma.  funny thing is when trauma is actually going down our brains are pretty damn good at entering the fun zone, its that latent logical shit, ya know what i mean. everything gets slow-motion and youre able to shut down your emotions and just act and do the shit that has to be done, just clench up and freeze and let your eyes drift and you’re ready to endure.  when you spend your whole life like that, every little thing becomes something your brain assesses as potentially traumatic, potentially going to harm you, your brain doesn’t know the difference between the telephone ringing unexpectedly or a masked intruder about to rape you. its like the fucking tumblr algorithm. beige tones?????//? ThIs iS nOt My SAfe PLAacE?!!! bam adrenal response. and im not trying to justify abuse, this isnt my attempt to justify it, but it is a real issue that exists for alot of people? probably people who arent involved in our community bc this seems to affect ppl who dont have regular access to online resources proportionately more (there is a link between being well-educated on ptsd and being better able to manage your ptsd, shocker water is wet etc etc, but its not imminently an obvious correlation! i dont hit people or break down the doors specifically because ive devoted my life to learning about and understanding my disorder) but there are people. we dont want to talk about this shit bc its like an open fucking secret, some of us get crazy some of us go fawn-like and become people pleasers, some of us get violent (’violence’ as a word im using to refer to ppl who explode outwardly and impact their environment in some way, not necessarily physical 100% of the time, you dont need to hit someone to be a violent person) anyway just thought id rant about this good luck chiddlers

[alittleoptimistic]

Favorite Character Tropes as Wish Fulfillment?

I wrote that title after I analyzed this stuff because I realized a thing about myself I was unaware of. I always get attached to the Same Character. Like, they are literally the same person in different stories. And I want to know why. So I did a little digging and thinking and all that good, good stuff. 

Here are a few examples of my typical favorite character

Charlie from Lost

Virgil from Sanders Sides

Philip from Travelers

the Doctor from Doctor Who (specifically 10)

Klaus from Umbrella Academy

Stiles from Teen Wolf

Riley from Sense 8

Cisco from Flash

Peter Pan from any version of this story

Jim from the Office

Peter from Heroes

Merlin from Merlin

Will from Hannibal

Felix from Orphan Black

Chuck from Chuck

Josh (the werewolf ) from Being Human

Jessica from Jessica Jones

Castiel from Supernatural

Loki from Marvel

Skylar from Heroes

Sherlock from Sherlock

Zuko from The Last Airbender

Killian from Once Upon a Time

I could probably find more but you get the idea

General similarities seem to be:

out of 23

21 are male?

15 have some type of addiction/problem they have difficulty controlling? (drugs, attention, adventure, eating people, killing people, ya know, etc)

17 have a secret

‘neuro-divergent’ in some way? (ADD, PTSD anxiety, depression, something? the kids are not alright)

All 23 have grey morals (probably chaotic good-ish? they all would break the rules for a good reason or get what they want)

19 have a crappy homelife/large tragedy in the past

20 have ‘superpowers/special ability’

18 are physically weak in appearance

18 are Underdogs, underestimated but actually powerful/very intelligent?

7 have a redemption arch

17 have dark hair lol

18 have a sarcastic, sense of humor

14 talk too much

mostly white in one form or another :/

So... why?? Why do I tend to like these characters more than others?

male. I am female and there are a few female characters that I LOVE. They happen, but, in all honesty, they are far and few in between. Wonder Woman, Jessica Jones, Hermione, Rey, Riley, Rory (Gilmore girls) Perhaps it is the way girls are often written? I like Jessica Jones because she is a hilarious mess and I relate. Same with... all of the ones I like, actually. They have that grey-moral vibe of real people, but lack the sexy Cat Woman, I’m-so-bad-I-can-kill-you-with-my-massive-butt-and-boobs?? Thing?? yeah? how unfortunate. They are small breasted or, at least, that is not drawn attention to too much. Could it be. holy moly, ya’ll. could it be I like women characters when they’re written... like people? like. like, as if girls are screwed up humans! not objects?? isn’t that incredible.

srry but not srry

an addiction. now, why do I tend to go here? Its a kind of a painful trope. They always go back, and back and back again to what we know is horrible for them. Perhaps there is enjoyment in watching the struggle and seeing them inevitably win their struggle, whatever it is? The strength to conquer the darkness within themselves and do the right thing. It might just make you think you can conquer your own battles?? Maybe I feel like I can relate in some sort of way, going back to old habits, struggling to be the person I want to be. Year after year of the same new year goals...

a secret. This is honestly just a nice trope and its neat, fun writing. Creates tension, and it is usually connected to the addiction. You get invested in this secret!!! It builds up to the inevitable discovery of that secret and the aftermath and all the reactions of their friends. (merlin, Will graham, chuck, etc.)

Neurodivergent. I think this is just me relating to these people. I have bouts of depression and anxiety and am currently researching the possibility of having ADD (thats a whole new weird thing idek) so this is just something that I think I see in myself.

Grey-morals. Again. This is my moral alignment, shocker. So, again, me relating to the characters. Also, characters that obviously have flaws are just well-written, well-rounded characters? No one is actually Clark Kent. characters that seem perfect either come off as plastic and fake because real people do not act like that, or they come off as kind of creepy?? because they must have some darkness lurking beneath the surface (when this is done on purpose, i actually like this quite a lot. Rose Quartz is an example of a character who seemed perfect on the surface, but as the show moved on, is revealed to be a Real Disaster Queen. she isn’t evil, just kind of a brat, but that redeemed what seemed to be sloppy storytelling because it was realistic)

Tragic past. This is just something that authors give to Disaster People to justify their screwed-up-ness. Course, not all of them had tragic pasts, but something bad happened to all of them (except Jim from the Office I think??, but then again, that is a sitcom...)

Special Ability Again, wish fulfillment. Not even gonna lie. I often feel powerless and out of control, this Freaks Me Out. I think there is comfort in seeing the ‘little guy’ (aka le me) having with a BAMF hashtag

 Weak And once more on Relatable-Station. This is in connection with relating to feeling and looking powerless, but finding comfort in the secret strength these characters have whether through supernatural means, superior intelligence, biting humor, a quick tongue, etc.

Underestimated the cap on this trio. The last 3 points could be summed up as one thing. A weak, underestimated person actually has some secret strength. These characters might just be a coping mechanism I have to deal with feeling weak and overlooked and powerless, whether or not those feelings accurately portray reality. I wonder where those feelings came from in the first place.

A redemption arch This trope is often a result of having grey morals. These also help deal with feelings of inadequacy or guilt in the reader?? It makes you think, if they can be loved, surely I can. (i am really dragging myself in this post, which was not the plan lol but here we are) 

Dark hair/brown hair. I have dark hair, I also wanted black hair as a child and found it very beautiful. Also, I think the dark hair goes with the personality trope as a Screw Up. Not gonna lie, messy brown/black hair on boys and girls, honestly, but the short messy thing, is great. and when they go evil for a bit and the hair gets Extra Messy?? That. That’s. Good. (for reference see: Stiles, Killian, Peter, Virgil, Loki)

Sarcastic my flavor of humor. this is turning into the realization that we do, in fact, like characters we relate to the most. I thought that might be far fetched because I’m ‘nothing like’ these characters, but let's get real. They’re me but as a cute boy or girl.

Talk too much This isn’t me. but This is who I want to be, I think. I’ve always struggled with anxiety about being the quiet one while my brother was so much better at talking, making friends, etc. so this is, again, wish fulfillment. i swear i didn’t think this was going to be this self-indulgent but i obviously was wrong

White They aren’t all white. Zuko is Asian. Cisco’s actor is Columbian American. But that’s... thats a really small amount of diversity. Like, I’m concerned. (when i say white btw, I don’t mean just American or British or whatever, because there are characters on here that are from all over. I just mean overall white-looking for the sake of this analysis) 

So, First Hypothesis: prejudice is very ingrained and even with good intentions, i could be subconsciously avoiding characters that are POC??? If this is all a ‘projecting myself’ thing, then I relate to white people the most? Im sure im screwing this up, but i’m not gonna chicken out and avoid this because thats what I’d usually do to keep from dumbly saying something offensive, but if I dont address a problem, then no one is getting anywhere 

Second Hypothesis: Its been known the fiction industry as a whole has a problem with representation,,, I don’t want to discount me being white, but I don’t think this is just me and my tiny entitled butt. There probably isn’t as much access to that type of character for POC. How often do creators have well-rounded, stick-around-for-a-long-time, flawed, funny, sometimes-problematic-but-well-meaning characters that are also POC? not often enough. Maybe it’s not always on purpose. But because of ‘Diversity Points’, character development might get pushed aside, and then the character’s personality becomes Their Race, which is... a crappy way to build a character? The industry has a hard enough time with diversity in general. Maybe people just don't write POC as that type of character. Which makes characters like Cisco unique. I’ve never even thought about that... Good on you, Flash writer crew.

let's fix this??

need more Ciscos???

 if any POC feels inclined to call me out on my bull or give their insight (only if you want to, of course), pls do.

In conclusion: this was interesting, and it makes sense, I guess, why people like different types of characters if their favorite characters are projections in one way or another of them. I’m not saying that we all relate to our favorite characters, but me, because I have this weird, dozen or more of the same type of character that I love, it might be reasonable to assume there’s something about that character I see in myself or wish I saw in myself? Anyway, an interesting thought. What do you guys think? Do you see yourself in your favorite characters?

This has been an honest essay that got too long. I wish I was as invested in writing school essays as I am in Tumblr posts.

[surprisebitch]

Persona 5 is an awesome game and i havent stopped gushing about it since i finished it yesterday, true, and while the overall story is perfect, it isn’t free from flaws and i think these three are the big ones IMO:

1. No AOA (All Out-Attack) for Futaba when she hacks the position. Seriously why not??! She deserves one.

2. You can’t date a man and there are those annoying creepy grindr gay stereotypes. I literally just blacked out and dissociated when those scenes appeared. Like the last thing the gays need is negative representation. At least, Lala was chill but yeah it’s not even conveyed if they were queer or not. Either it’s an ATLUS problem or a Japan problem, i’m tired bout it and I wish ATLUS would get with the times.

and last but not the least..

*spoilers ahead so dont read if you plan to play Persona 5 tbh but I’m just gonna say... dont neglect your Proficiency trait and try and max it so you dont miss out on something i’m bout to talk about*

3. Haru (aka best girl) deserved better. TBH, i think the biggest reason Haru is overlooked and under-appreciated is because not only she joins late game so she did not have the chance to bond with the Thieves as much as the others but also, Proficiency can be one of the toughest to max (alongside Guts imo which was the last one I maxed and hence Iwai was one of my last confidants). I think Haru’s screentime could have been improved if we have been seeing her around Shujin even early in the game even just as a mysterious background character that loves watering the plants. I mean, for the Persona gods’ sake, she has a garden on the rooftop! It would have been interesting to see her doing some gardening in the rooftop at times or just on the school entrance even way before the time she gets introduced (like how we see Makoto studying in the library from the first day). Or maybe already be a confidant you can rank up early before she joins the group then when she joins, it will be from rank 6 onwards where she gets Baton Pass, etc. 

Like the only time Haru appears is before she gets introduced (Fireworks and Hawaii), granted same went with Futaba but the 5th palace is the 2nd to the last then there’s Mementos. The confidants deadline happens on the second week of December and she gets introduced around October iirc. Like many see her as the “rich girl” but her co-op really fleshes out her character and it sucks that most players will miss that easily due to how you need a maxed out trait which happens like at Rank 2! Seriously a maxed out trait at the early part of her Rank, that even isnt when you will get to appreciate her alot because the part that made her win me over happens like at Rank 5 onwards. And yeah, it’s even sad when she’s aware of it like at Rank 10, she talks about how she asks the MC so many questions and apologises for it because she’s aware she didnt get to hang out with MC as much as the others. Also when you friendzone her, it HURTS ALOT CAUSE SHE’S REALLY INTO MC.. and just seeing a cinnamon roll’s heart broken is too much for my gay heart. And yeah I’m gay but I dated her and enjoyed all the scenes with her. If a girl were to probably make me bicurious, it’d probably be Haru. So yeah, I wish the developers were able to make her more accessible because honestly, she’s amazing but you really wont get to see that unless you got max Proficiency and that is not something every player will be able to do on their first playthrough.

[withoutgod]

sry im too shy to go off anon for this. i haven't gotten a diagnosis because i dont have access to anyone who can diagnose me (not to mention gatekeeping....), but im pretty sure im autistic . i have fixations on structure and honestly, visiting your blog has literally part of my daily ritual for maybe a month? i love reading your thoughts on autistic near because they resonate deeply with me. near is already meaningful 2 me bc i hc him as a trans man and he reminds me of one of my OCs (1/2)

I AM SO SORRY I’M RESPONDING TO THIS AT 2:44am when you sent this hours ago I’M SO SORRY I WAS AT WORK AND THEN I SPENT A GOOD 2 HOURS ON A HEADCANON but!! This is honestly the sweetest thing anyone has ever sent to me?? I was at work staring at this message on my lunch break for 30 minutes. I was so in awe?? Like?? I can’t even describe how happy I was to read this!! But anyways let me tell you this:

I was misdiagnosed when I was very young. I’ve been going to therapy since third grade, been on various medications since fourth grade, was taken to I believe Duke university because they were doing a study on children with OCD and various other disorders. My doctors first thought I was bipolar, then severe OCD with severe anxiety and depression along with attachment issues etc. It wasn’t until a few years back I went to a new psychiatrist and he suggested that I was autistic. It was actually a big relief for me! Because up until then I felt as though I just?? didn’t know what was wrong? If anything was wrong, why the medications weren’t taking effect, why i felt the way I did or more so couldn’t understand how I felt. Learning that lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. Just by knowing. So I think if you know, and done your research and such, and you just?? feel it, that other people’s own experiences resonate with you etc. you’re good and valid. I’m sorry you can’t get an official diagnosis though. I hope you have a good support system and nice caring supportive friends and stuff! It can be hard sometimes but we’ll always make it through!

It makes me extremely delighted and happy and just!! AHHH!! That you come visit my blog and enjoy it! I wish I could express this better but I’m so bad with words in this way daskladjsl; But I am literally SO SO HAPPY that you would message me with this. Like it means so much?? I totally understand you about just having characters be ‘a quirky genius who acts out like that just because’ I think it’s good to have representation and state that’s what it is etc. 

Near means a lot to me too!!I love Near soooo much and I want to portray that, he’s not heartless and has feelings and all that. Because I feel it’s not really obvious or at least not blatant enough. I feel a lot of times autistic characters are portrayed as like, robotic or unfeeling. Near definitely feels, they’ve had a hard time in life dealing with emotions, primarily about themselves. I want to show that.

So again, thank you forever for sending this to me!!! You’re lovely and I hope you have a wonderful day / night! OH and I bet your OC is wonderful!! I love OCs so much I have so many of my own asdjkasdl And you should definitely continue making Near headcanons as well!! YOU’RE VALID!! I LOVE YOU!!

[theskyexists]

Revolution of the Daleks

im actually really happy with this, Yaz not being able to let go. Ryan and Graham having practice. i could wish a million things had happened with Ryan (!) and Graham before but this is as good as it’s gonna get from this point

i like the way they’re trying to imitate the Doctor explicitly

‘this is hard, innit?”

‘have you had work done?’ ‘you can talk!’ (that sounded so Nine and Jack!!! hahahaa) edit: it was litearlly Ten and Jack

reference!

DOCTOR AND JACK HUG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Leo......is a very cynical representation of an amoral scientist.

How the hell is Trump-analogue the sane one here lolololol. but he’s dumb enough to leave incinerating the thing to Leo.

what an idiot - opening the casing. im not really into how the narrative is basically like: trump is right about stupid scientists! hah...

the banter between jack and the doctor is so good? imitation of the original product clearly but still GOOD

love how the Doctor instantly goes - i need to go see the fam

she was in space jail for decades (she doesn’t mention the decades)

THAT MOMENT OF MATERIALISATION WAS SO GOOD

noooooooooooooooo OUCH - ouch! YAZ!

‘im sorreh’

SHE DOESN’T MENTION HOW SHE’S BEEN LOCKED IN PRISON FOR FUCKING DECADES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my god Doctor. give them some perspective PLEASE

Jack’s ‘whoops’ is hilarious if you consider his history with teh Doctor

Ryan - god i love Ryan.

Actually didn’t like Graham’s response to Jack. narratively, homophobic

absolutely despise the orange lettering

this episode really goes to show that Chibnall thinks structurally extremely slowly. he picks threads up from ages ago. and then he does do something decent with it. does this mean that the longer he keeps on the better it will get?

i think it’s pretty fuckin hilariously sad though that the companions are once again relegated to couriers - they note that they can’t do stuff on their own (even though the season finale last time gave them ‘Doctor-like’ sequences even if they never managed to impact the story of the Doctor herself - so i guess we’ve gone backwards in this arc) and then they CAN’T do stuff on their own and the Doctor comes in

it’s not the Doctor OR the companions Chibs. and if these companions are just incapable - make that a point! that would be a wonderful contrast to Clara

Woah Jack fuckin infodump

aahahhaa

i do love Yaz’s response. this seems to build up to some final DESERVED - i need to know MORE doctor - now.

‘oh she’s good’ - that’s such a RTD thing to say. chibs just directly copy-pasting a lot here. this is acceptable if he can give it new meaning. inverse meaning

why even drop two people off - whats the Doctor gonna do - nothing?

i actually like the new dalek design very much. oh confront Robertsen? i still can’t get used to the explicit task division set-up - even if this time it was used for characterisation

i - adore. this talk between Jack and Yaz. because it’s Yaz accessing so much shit from the Doctor’s past suddenly. and then it becomes extra clear that Jack’s and the Doctor’s connection was kinda romantic in whatever way - and it’s directly paralleled with Yaz. that romantic tragic attachment - doomed to hurt. (i.e. my fav)

god mandip gill is yeeting this out of the park. I LOVE IT. i love these lines. ‘we’re the lucky ones yaz’ - graham also told her something like this in demons of the punjab.

‘the joy, is worth the pain’ - is it? Jack thinks so - still! my god.that’s so tragic - so beautiful. so much rtd feel here.

jezus chibnall - fuckin sonic gun even???? ‘thanks, that’s it??’ hahahahaha. ok you did good. nobody’s ever impressed at it. LOL DAMN YAZ

‘they’re growing daleks’ - this secondary reveal doesn’t matter bc no reveal would have been a genuine reveal anyway

the new prime minister givin her speech and the doctor explaining daleks should have had snappier editing - specifically the music should not have gone back to simple british empire horns or whatever- but should have had an undertone of dalek in there

really! ALIEN REFERENCES! MY GOD CHIBNALL!!! everybody was thinking it but you did it.... i guess it’s done now. sexual politics wise i’d say Robertsen might have been a much better choice.

guns and explosives will solve everything!!!!!! oh chibnall

i love this lil talk between Ryan and teh Doctor - because it goes to show that the Doctor actually really cared. it would be fitting if they all left now actually lol - that would be nice and dramatic. Jodie is doing great on the acting here - i can FEEL the warning messages in her brains going AAAAAAAAAAA im losing this one!!!!

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Ryan - oh finally - finally this is coming out. calling her out, ‘how do you feel about that’‘  - the counsellor

‘things change, all the time, and they should, cos they have to’ - oh ffffff and ryan inverts things on her. oh i would have loved that if they’d done the extensive groundwork for it. now it just feels like a final death knell - the Doctor paternalised in classic Doctor words by her pseudo-son (but not really bc we never got it for real). couldn’t chibnall have left that for a dude actor ....

i love Jodie’s acting here my GOD. the mouth, the thin lips. The Doctor’s thinking - ah ive lost him - he doesn’t need me at all. ‘always’ this is Ryan’s motif actually. Yaz said the same thing about him.

LOL and Leo reveals himself only when the bombs have been planted and the Doctor’s arrived

lol ok that’s a pretty grisly reveal chibs, BUT would have been cooler if Yaz somehow found out herself and not through villain exposition. Robertsen really is VERY good comic relief here ‘this is a pr disaster’

that was actually a GOOD use of the Doctor going hmmm what’s wrong here and Yaz going well maybe this

ok but because chibnall has such dumb and obvious twists all the time it makes the Doctor always look dumb for slowly stumbling through a self-deprecating  explanation. the least authoritative doctor ever my god.... like she could feel the shock to her system coming and that’s why she was born so un-self-assured. hate that shit. not what i wanted

the recon dalek used ultra viiolet light to teleport. lol. but then the Doctor is too late to stop it. hmm a bit uh..........idk conflicted about all the poc getting exterminated at the border...is this irony???

so how is the Dalek electrocuting Leo with nothing but a shitty slime body? also don’t like that. especially because Robertsen is getting away scot free again probably

‘no weapons’ (what about the bombs - couldn’t jack have interjected with knowledge on that shit - before the daleks teleported mysteriously????) ‘no time to think’ - Doctor i thought it was established that you could think at 3000 miles per fraction of a second.

forget it. forget it forget it forget it. chibnall and I will never agree on this. if the Doctor hits rock bottom here - then it better be a companion that picks her back up. nope, she gets back up herself. best job they’ve done so far on that i admit but then they cut immediately to a leisurely discussion as people are getting gunned the fuck down in the streets.

ah, shes inviting the original fleet to destroy these daleks which are ‘corrupted’

why..................did they explain the whole plan before it happened. WHY. OH WHY! is Chibnall so structurally BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!

this would have WORKED as a GOOD twist if he’d made it an actual fucking TWIST. please chibs....let me at the scripts....please....

the stakes are also not well-established because none of the companions said: oh shit but we could barely get rid of ONE, now there’s thousands!

‘they shouldn’t know im here’ *materialises TARDIS right in front of hundreds of Daleks*

this whole scene between the two sets of Daleks would have been great if we hadn’t been spoiled

is................Robertsen gonna pay for his arrogance - ignoring the Doctor? or is the Doctor’s ineffective ‘get back here’ going to be the last we see of this. Betraying the Doctor?

Chibs if you dont make this guy pay i will give up

Ryan stepping up to save Earth. hmmhm.

Jack: w-wait are you okay with this?

Jack she’s been sending these idiots in without supervision for no reason for ages. she just did it with Yaz?? but its a nice era-contrast - even if the meaning is muddled

So i guess Jack’s just got hundreds of bombs on him? at all times?

who the fuck doctors the script

why............did Chibnall regress Graham’s and Ryan’s relationship into awkwardness in their final episode. that’s just plain sad.

inversely, NOW would have been good to know the second plan because then we would have known why the Daleks knowing about the Doctor is bad SPECIFICALLY

‘even if we blow up the ship, theres still SAS daleks marauding through earth’s skies’ she says, like she wasn’t supposed to have a plan to stop them ??????

‘right’ she said, walked off, and then didn’t think of a plan

‘orrr.... you’re gonna have to trust me on this one Yaz’

this is such a TERRIBLE and unsubtle and stupid way to segue into discussing the Doctor’s problems with disappearing

WHY IS CHIBNALL HAVING THEM SAVE ROBERTSEN - fuck this! FUCK THIS!

wow - that’s really shit of the Doctor - just telling a TARDIS to destroy itself completely......

really chibnall.....really you’re gonna let this man get away LIKE THIS. I’m done. i’m done. im sorry but this is not something to just PLAY with. letting a Trump guy get the better of the female Doctor not once, but twice? this makes me so sad. and im done. it’s just insult after insult. he just doesn’t GET it. this is too close to my heart. this is not a GAME. this is supposed to be a  fucking POWER FANTASY - and he can’t even fucking make it that. he can’t discuss the problems with power because he can’t even FATHOM the Doctor as a power fantasy in this form. fuck. this.

‘can you believe that’ - ‘yeah i can’

thanks - thanks for this political hopelessness on top of the real shit Chibnall. that’s not what Doctor Who is about - that’s the starting point - not the fucking end state

i know it’s supposed to be related to Ryan and how it’s quite subtly about making the world a better place politically bc it’s going to hell - and Robertsen is definitely coming back because chibnall just does that shit

but

if he wanted to do that he should have had Ryan and Robertsen have a confrontation this episode

a hug. a HUG. my god. so what was the absence of hugs all about then? now im grumpy about THAT. fck

this is good acting, good lines, good normal ending to Graham’s time in the TARDIS, it ties in just a little bit with his family arc. but it’s not particularly coherent - guess that;s life ?

‘it’s ok to be sad’ - cut to black. that was good

so the conclusion is that all they needed to be like the Doctor is a little gadget. this is deeply incoherent but it appeals to me anyway. and i dont really understand how Robertsen features into protecting the planet from aliens then

what is this weird Ryan speech lol. Tosin did incredibly good on making that seem halfway organic.

ok so Grace appearing made me tear up lol

[swampgallows]

well, so, tumblr ate my post on my phone, but the gist of what i wanted to say was that it was, of course, amazing, but i feel like... and this is kind of cheesy and embarrassing but, it wasn’t really until this year, between wonder woman and this film—the shape of water—that i felt like anything was “for me”. 

i cannot remember the last time my heart swelled like that during a film, let alone in general. in fact, i’m not sure it ever has. not in that way. this film made me understand why people care for romance films or romance itself, the appeal of it. i cried a lot. and i cried a lot during wonder woman too, but for a different sort of reason. wonder woman helped me realize i was starving to see a strong, whole woman; i had thought to myself “no wonder people love superheroes so much”. i thought they were fun, of course, but it wasn’t until wonder woman that i truly felt that kind of power, that feeling of being uplifted. it was like... hope, and protection. even growing up i never had a “hero”, as it were, not until chris metzen, and that wasn’t until i was well in my teens. i have felt like the outcast for so long that i couldnt even feel like an underdog, let alone a hero. 

it’s foolish to say what i found in the shape of water was “representation”, but... it was like a validity. it felt verified. it felt.... real. it wasn’t goofy. it wasn’t a joke. it wasn’t supernatural or one-sided. it felt very real. i did not even realize there were tears in my eyes until one fell down my face. it felt so very real to me. of course, i love all of guillermo del toro’s movies, particularly in that he engages with fairy tales—parables, too, as he had mentioned in the interview following the credits—with a reverence, an authenticity. with respect. when you accept these creatures and themes as real, they become real. but if you maintain the whole time that it’s “just CGI”, “just movie magic”; proving his whole point, when you “Other” these creatures, you turn them into things. you make them objects instead of real, believable, sentient things. and his point was that we do this to people too. “There is no us VS them. There is only us.”

and, really, on the heels of seeing Bright, the contrast between the films is stark. Bright achieved almost the exact opposite of taking these fantasy races—which are to be respected as fellow people in an urban fantasy setting—and immediately Othering them, as well as making the entire film about their Otherness. additionally, the “message” of the film is lost when jakoby is the exception to the rule, the “One Good Orc” instead of “orcs are people” (despite literally having the line “orcs are people too”, this is never put into practice). and he is even further robbed of that by ward being a bright all along instead of jakoby, or even BOTH of them. ALL the formulaic evidence points to jakoby being a bright. “brights are elves, rarely humans, NEVER orcs”; jakoby is unblooded, round-toothed, clan-less, seen as a dissenter to his entire race; inexplicably wanted to be a cop ever since he was a little kid even though there have never been orc cops and most are sent off to war; demonstrably more sensitive and inquisitive than most orcs; even the very last moment up until ward’s bright reveal, jakoby gives an entire relay of the myth of jirak the humble orc farmer, who was unblooded, who turned out to be a man of prophecy, and begs ward to go back and help tikka. “I think we’re in a prophecy!” yet ward is the bright and jakoby isn’t. fucking L. ZERO payoff. ward is a racist asshole to jakoby the entire fucking film, treats him like shit, then finds out HE gets to hold a magic wand? fuck off.

yet even bright, in all of its horribleness, still feels like it was “for me”. so, it’s strange, but, i feel like mainstream stories are... finally becoming accessible to me? it’s hard to explain. Like, there’s a reason i’m rooted in my Very Insular Interests and all that bullshit. i dont feel welcome anywhere else. of course i stick with what’s familiar, and i dont think i will ever “move on” from these core aspects of my life and personality, but... it feels like there are stories coming out that i can actually relate to, things where my interests are the focus instead of being a side character or an extra in the background, or it’s the core plot to a film instead of being a parody or, worse, from a documentary angle. “how strange this is! why are people like this! can you BELIEVE there are people who relate better to MONSTERS than PEOPLE? god, there are people who actually think this is COOL but it’s so lame and stupid and for total nerds!!! UGH, can you BELIEVE those crybaby SJWs are BEGGING for a FEMALE SUPERHERO for WOKE FEMINIST POINTS?”

wonder woman stood atop the tower, alone, triumphant, and had saved the village. and everyone looked up at her, in awe of her, full of gratitude. that shot made me think “this is why little boys want to be superman.” there was a little girl in me that thought “i wish i could be wonder woman.” something like gender shouldn’t make a difference, but what a difference it makes. i mean, there’s a reason i havent felt that feeling before. and it’s not because i have any particular affinity for superheroes or diana herself; i truthfully have very little interest in either. but that is the first time i have ever seen a solitary, non-sexual, powerful woman. even in trying to tell my mom about the shot after i saw the film, i burst into tears. 

bright was handled like shit, but the fact that the movie even got made is astounding to me, particularly because it didn’t have the “excuse” of being rooted in preexisting media. so even though the story was shit, that it was an original screenplay is HUGE to me. Hellboy II was sick as hell, one of my favorite films, and pulled off the ‘urban fantasy’ much better than bright could ever hope to, but it had the veil of being a “comic book film”, so people knew they were going in under a pretense that it would be pulp and campy. essentially, not serious. not real. already written off as “this isn’t real so it can’t affect me. i’m just turning my brain off for a while.”

i guess it’s just that... these monsters are so real to me and i relate to them so deeply that it’s almost like seeing myself, in a sense. i feel such a personal attachment to them that seeing a creature as obscure as an orc on film or outside the same realms of media (lotr, warcraft, d&d) is cause for celebration. it’s like seeing something that even vaguely references a rave; i feel acknowledged because that’s me, that’s my community, those are my people. and OTHER PEOPLE recognize that that’s me too. i remember in high school one of my classmates told me to watch the entirety of disney’s chicken little (not recommended) because it made him think of me. why? there was a split second where one of the characters (the ugly duckling, thanks asshole) holds a glowstick. that is literally it. there wasn’t even techno playing. it was wannabe by the spice girls. but even then i was still like (POINTS) ME

and i think that’s something guillermo understands, because he relates so deeply to monsters as well. and interviewers and other media outlets might take it as a novelty—oh that kooky del toro, what will he think of next! isn’t that bizarre! what a strange man he is haha oh but we love it! wow, totally trippy settings! where does he come up with this stuff???—but del toro makes sure his films convey respect and severity. He doesn’t play up these films as pulp or tongue in cheek or with any sort of bashfulness of “i know this is silly, but...” He doesn’t feel a need to excuse himself for his interests. he portrays them fully and seriously, and that gives me great courage. as someone who is constantly apologizing for my interests being too silly or “too insular” (I will never get over that haha sorry!) or too obscure or too abrasive, always being too loud or too much or too ugly, seeing my interests portrayed with genuine respect and depth always feels worthy of celebration to a degree i cant put into words. it gives me strength to exist, unabashedly, and as my full self.

i’m excited for the blockbuster bubble to burst. maybe, finally, all of us at the edges will finally get to surface. i am already seeing the little trickles.

[squibbles-gubwee]

"If you hate the emoji movie you hate gay people it was directed by A Gay" Honey im gay and I can at least tell what character development, plot, pacing and jokes are. I get its for 6 year olds and 35 year old moms but its less of a movie and more major product placement. Here's the thing: The movie's been done before. Its a mishmash of Wreck it Ralph, the Lego Movie, ANY movie with a Manic Pixie Dream "im not like most girls" Girl, Despicable Me and Angry Birds. I understand theres gay themes in the movie but a rainbow flag side character and vauge plot that can easily be explained away by anyone as anything OTHER than being gay, shouldnt really count. I know the director worked hard, and it sucks having a bad multi million dollar movie, but as a community, the LGBTQIA population deserve something more than vauge hints and background characters. We deserve more than Fools and Gay Flings and Sexy Bi Woman Who Just Isnt Sure and hidden handholding. If this movie is a gay icon more than Moonlight then Angry Birds is a good message on bullying and outcasting an individual because thats what happened to Red! In fact, I could also make the Angry Birds Movie gay. Red is shunned because he's gay and that's that. It shouldnt count as a Gay Movie just because there is maybe if you squint after the director's commentary you can see the possible subplot maybe being about gay identity and there's a rainbow flag. 1 that plot shouldnt count because if NO ONE could see it until he mentioned it, then he didnt incorporate it well enough and 2: just because there's Gay doesnt mean its Good Also why cant I say that a movie with gay themes is awful when its poorly written?? Why does that automatically mean its good? We had to tell site after site not to censor us, we buy "Gay" stuff from companies who dont really give a shit about anything but our money and enjoy the sudden surges of queer folks scrambling for anything with a rainbow but dont give two shits if we get slaughtered in the streets. We have to constantly fight and struggle for any representation, and our own community is more than willing to tear down something made for the gay community if they dont like something about it. Look, I know its exciting to see ANYTHING with our representation. But at the same time, if we want to be treated the same, why cant we look at this film critically like any other movie? Why cant I look at this Ripoff Ralph and say its not good, its a movie about emojis and a world where everyone is one way forever and breaking fourth walls and jumping through worlds and Its been done before so much better. 2017: The Emoji Movie, a giant ad placement thats more of a rehash of 3 movies is a Gay Icon and Dream Daddy, a game made by and for the LGBTQIA comminity is Homophobic and transphobic because of something you cant access without datamining. God this site is awful.

[batkatbrown]

I'm going to outright ask - there's a thing going around that you're a TERF. Why? What's lead them to believe that?

I wasn’t going to address this issue publicly but from the asks and messages i’m getting, I see it needs to be. I will address it as open and honestly as I can because I don’t want anyone to feel unsafe on my blog.I was alerted to a call out post on a popular mchanzo blog so that may be what you’re referring to. It is in relation to some posts I made on my personal, non mchanzo related blog from about half a year ago and older.  Batkatbrown is essentially just a mchanzo art reblog blog at this point and i’m not active in that community anymore. I just wanted to make a blog to post my silly, fluffy drawings and fics on and keep it a safe happy place to fill with McHanzo Trash.

A lot of my views in general have softened considerably. At the time I was dealing with severe depression, PTSD and suicidal ideation from suppressed trauma of sexual assault/abuse at the hands of a man. I am a penis repulsed lesbian, even if that penis is attached to a woman. I cannot be attracted to it.I dont’ want to hurt anyone’s feelings or make them feel bad about themselves because they do not fit into my sexual dating pool but it’s not something I can force myself to do. I have tried and it is part of what led me to almost killing myself multiple times. 

For the record. I believe that all trans people deserve the same rights and anti-discrimination protections under the law. And a chance to be happy and loved and live a good life. I believe they should have equal access to health care, mental health services, rights like adoption, marriage, and estate property rights etc. I do not want anyone harmed and want to give them the same respect and consideration I do everyone. that of course includes things like using preferred pronouns and apologizing if I mess up on accident. 

I am trying to be a better, kinder and more accepting person as I heal from my own trauma. I want people to feel warm and happy when they visit my blog and maybe a little bit of hope to see healthy gay representation. I fully support the community producing content that represents it whether this is writing Mchanzo as trans, asexual, poly or other minorities. 

I know this was a personal and rather long answer but I felt it deserved it. I love all my followers and have only ever wanted to make them smile and maybe get a little smutty too.

[knifenymph]

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,14,16,17,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29

1. if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to?

hmmmm im not sure. read oblivion by sasha dawn, watch fantastic mr. fox!!!! and listen to this playlist

2. have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who?

@vodkawitchcraft……..their poems are super good

3. list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with.

im not in any fandoms bc im not a nerd like @dahliadearest

4.  do you like your name? is there another name you think would fit you better?

i like my name!

5. do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? do you identify yourself by the things you do?

this is a very interesting question omg. i think somewhere in the middle. i dont really identify with the idea i associate with ‘human being’ (something stagnant and solid if that makes sense lol) but i also don’t identify with the idea of a human doing bc im more than just my actions. i feel more liquid and fluid?? idk lol

6. are you religious/spiritual?

hmmmm i don’t think so

7. do you care about your ethnicity?

nope not a bit. i think race and ethnicity is DUMB and is only used to separate and divide people and i think its dumb. 

8. what musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime?

mothers, tøp (i know shh), and the greeting committee

9. are you an artist?

in a way yes! i can draw and art sometimes

10. describe your ideal day.

sunny!!! and happy and great

11. dog person or cat person?

both!

12. are you a musician?

yep, i can sing, play the violin, the piano, and the guitar!

13. if you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same?

oh absolutely not

14. would you say your tumblr is a fair representation of the “real you”?

id like to think so!

which Harry Potter house would you be in? or are you a muggle?

im in ravenclaw! and yes……..im totally a muggle

would you rather be in Middle Earth, Narnia, Hogwarts, or somewhere else?

the astral!

do you love easily?

friendship wise? heck yearelationship wise? im pretty sure i’m aro lol

list the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order.

1. breathing2. blinking3. thinking3. talking4. laughing

how often would you want to see your family every year?

i really love my family and get along with them so idk, but often? loll

have you ever felt like you had a “mind-meld” with someone?

hmmm maybe my penpal or @vodkawitchcraft or @stargogh or @dahliadearest bc i get along really well with all of them and i feel like we kinda just get each other??? hmm idk lol

could you live as a hermit?

yep as long as i had access to social media lol. physical isolation, yes. online isolation, probably not

how would you describe your gender/sexuality?

pan and aro!

do you feel like your outside appearance is a fair representation of the “real you”?

its the only appearance i have so it has to be! but it think extra yes because my hair is dyed red and i have a ,,,very fiery personality LOL

on a scale from 1 to 10, how hard is it for someone to get under your skin?

it really depends on what it is but probs like a 4 or 6

three songs that you connect with right now.

1. We Are Nobody Else by Lady Lamb2. Crane Your Neck by Lady Lamb3. Marceline by Willow

thank you for asking Aria- cough i mean anon! LOL

[uncleyarn2-blog]

How Nicole Chung Wrote 2018’s Most Talked-About Memoir

In her debut memoir All You Can Ever Know, Nicole Chung challenges the traditional adoption narrative and sheds light on the complicated reality of being a transracial adoptee. How do you find community in a town where no one looks like you? What’s it like to embrace your birth culture years in adulthood? What do you tell your children when they ask about their heritage?

As an Asian American adopted by a white family myself, I related deeply to her experiences grappling with racial identity and heritage—of becoming the poster child for adoption, of feeling too Asian or not Asian enough, depending on the situation. All You Can Ever Know is yet another reminder of how important representation is, both as an exercise in empathy across cultural boundaries and as catharsis for those who have had undergone similar experiences.

With this in mind, I spoke on the phone with Nicole, formerly of The Toast and now the editor-in-chief of Catapult, about her experience growing up as a Korean adoptee and what it was like to write her life’s story.

What was the inspiration for All You Can Ever Know?

I knew I wanted to write this story—I started to publish essays about adoption several years ago. I get a lot of questions and follow-ups from readers, and I was surprised, first of all, that it was a topic of interest. A lot of people didn’t necessarily know a lot about it or had only heard the perspective of adopted parents or maybe adoption professionals, but hadn’t read a lot of work by adoptees on the subject. It started to occur to me that maybe there would be enough interest and enough material for a book. I thought in a book-length project that I’d have the space to tell the whole story and introduce the full cast of characters and talk about it and make room for all the complications and nuance in my story. It’s obviously just one adoption story—it doesn’t mean that it’s representative of all or even most adoptions, but I thought it really needed a lot of pages and a higher word count to get the full story across.

I was thinking so much as I was growing up that I didn’t really ever read adoption stories—and certainly not by adopted people. So again, it started to really strike me that this perspective needed more representation in the literary landscape. And I really wanted to tell the story. Obviously, it means a lot to me and I was hoping that maybe it would mean something to readers and teach some of them more about adoption.

You mention in your book that you grew up in a primarily white community in Oregon and didn’t know any other Koreans as a child. How do you think this has affected your relationship to your heritage and the greater Asian American community?

I really had no sense of a Korean or Asian American community when I was growing up. It was just not something that existed around me. I was young and then came of age when we just started to get internet access. So even in my early years, when I was online in middle school and high school, I didn’t necessarily know to look for a community there, in the sense of Korean Americans or fellow adoptees. I didn’t find that until much later. So I didn’t have a real sense of myself as Korean for many, many years. At least, I knew I was Korean, but didn’t really know what that meant. I didn’t really have any models, I didn’t really become close to any fellow Koreans. It was definitely confusing, and I think as a result, I will probably always feel more distance than I wish I felt.

Later in life, how were you able to get more involved in those communities and become more aware of your Korean-American heritage and the adoption community? What was that journey like of finding it as an adult, and how has that affected your understanding of it now?

It’s definitely a work in progress. I don’t imagine that I have discovered or come to understand everything that I will in time. I think it also wasn’t any one event. I was always curious, but didn’t have a way to know or explore my heritage, since there were no other Koreans growing up. I did go to a college that had a large Asian American population, and I made some Korean American friends in college. It’s definitely been a process. It’s something I still feel really insecure about. I think as an adopted person I’ll always feel a little bit insecure in uncontrollable ways about how Korean I am. But I think it started when I made—not just Korean friends—friends with other Asian American and people of color in college.

Reuniting with my birth family was obviously huge. Getting to know my sister and become close with her and find some ways to share my life with her was very important. And doing my own research and trying to learn more. I think too what was huge for me in the Asian American community was eventually the internet and talking about some of these issues.

And also, I volunteer-edited for a publication called Hyphen. It’s a publication dedicated to telling the stories of Asians in America, and that was my first experience editing other writers. That’s where I discovered I really loved editing, and editing essays in particular. I got involved with Hyphen as a volunteer in part just to be a part of that community and as a way to serve it in a small way and get to know other Asian American writers and creators.

You mention in your book that it was constantly reinforced to you as a child that your adoption was “for the best.” How has getting in touch with your birth family affected your understanding of that narrative?

I think even before I got in touch with them, I started to interrogate that word, “best.” The thing I grew up hearing was, “They made this decision because they thought you’d have a better life.” I think the word “better” and “best” are really fraught. They’re loaded words and not words I thought to interrogate closely when I was growing up hearing them. I don’t think of my adoption as a tragedy. I think there were a lot of challenges within my birth family and my adopted family. Neither of my families is perfect—far from it because people aren’t perfect.

I remember one conversation I had with my adopted mother not long after I met my birth father and my sister. My adopted mom was asking if I thought it would’ve been better if they’d been able to keep me after all—if I hadn’t been adopted, basically. It was impossible to answer that question. It’s just a really tough one to answer. I think if anything what I’ve learned is that I don’t necessary think of adoption as mine or anyone else’s in terms of “better” or “best” or “right” or “wrong” or “good” or “bad.” There can be a lot of positives, and there can be a lot of complications too. I guess I don’t find it helpful anymore to think of my adoption or anyone else’s in such stark terms. Learning what I’ve learned, I don’t regret the fact that I was adopted or that I had the childhood I did. I think the book is an exercise in reconsidering that story—trying to look at it very honestly and talk about the things that were good and the things that were really challenging.

How has becoming a mother affected your understanding of your adoption?

I think becoming a mother has affected my understanding of everything. I think I tend to avoid strong absolute conclusions more than ever since becoming a parent, because it is an extremely humbling experience every day. Every single day. You learn a lot about yourself, you learn how little you know, and the work that goes into loving someone and being a family and being there for them unconditionally. It’s definitely affected my overall understanding of who I am.

One reason, as I write in the book, that I did end up searching for my birth family was because I was having a child. I wanted to have something more to tell her about our history, about our heritage. I thought the answers I had weren’t necessarily good enough for either of us. Until I found out I was pregnant and was looking squarely at motherhood for the time as a reality, not as a hypothetical, I hadn’t really had cause to consider the adoption for anyone in my family beyond me. I could see its effects on my parents and obviously on me, and I could think about what it had done or what it had felt like in my adopted family, but until there was another generation to consider—until I was pregnant myself and expecting a child—I couldn’t really think about, in concrete terms, what it would mean for my kids to be the children of an adoptee and what sort of questions they might have as a result or what kind of disconnect they might feel from their history or heritage as a result. It sounds obvious as I say it. Like, of course there was always going to be an impact on them, but until they were real—until my daughter was a real possibility—I never had to think about it that hard.

Certainly, becoming a parent changed my thoughts about adoption, in the sense that it wasn’t just me anymore. There was going to be somebody else in the picture—somebody who I was accountable to, somebody who would have her own questions about our history and about our family, and I really wanted to be able to answer those questions for her. At the same time, I really wanted to be honest about what I didn’t know and what I could only guess at. I wanted to be able to share as much as possible with her. It affected me in every way, but definitely profoundly affected how I thought about being an adoptee and the things that we pass on.

You said that, growing up, you didn’t have a lot of stories about race, but since becoming involved in the literary community, what stories have inspired to think more critically about adoption and race? What writers should people know about?

I remember reading The Language of Blood by Jane Jeong Trenka, which is still one of the only memoirs by transracial adoptees. I remember also reading A. M. Holmes’s The Mistress Daughter, and that was one of the first books by adoptees that I read. But neither of these stories is like mine, so I’m not trying to compare my story to theirs. Just seeing adoptees publish stories about these complex issues was definitely inspiring—I don’t know if that’s the right word, but it helped me feel more seen. It made me feel like some things were possible. A lot of writers that have personally inspired me, in terms of Asian American voices, are Alexander Chee, Min Jin Lee, and Celeste Ng. Last night I got to be in conversation with my friend, R. O. Kwon, who wrote The Incendiaries, which came out earlier this summer. Reese has been one of many, many amazing Asian American debut writers this year who I personally feel inspired by. Vanessa Hua, Crystal Hana Kim, Lillian Li—there are just so many this year, it’s really exciting. So I love being in that company.

And then in terms of what’s inspired me to tell adoption stories, part of it is just having the privilege of editing and publishing other adoptees. First at The Toast, now at Catapult, where I’m Editor-in-Chief. I’ve been so lucky to be able to solicit and then publish wonderful essays by adopted writers. Those websites have been so important to me, and they’ve taught me so much. There’s a lot of really good adoptee writing out there, and I hope that there will be more books. Certainly, I love being able to publish fellow adoptees. It’s one of the best parts of my job, and every time I have the chance to, I just feel very fortunate and very privileged. It reminds me of why I also write about this topic. It’s not the only thing I write about, but it’s really, deeply important to me. It’s my origin story. It put my life on this particular path. I really fought hard to  recover some part of my history and some part of the truth that was lost. I think I’ll always find these topics sort of fascinating. I’m probably not going to write another book about it, [laughs] but definitely reading the work of other adoptees is really important.

If you could go back in time and give advice to your younger self, what would you tell her?

I spent so much time as a kid trying to pretend everything was okay when things were really not okay. There were a lot of different reasons for this. Some of it was that I really felt the urge to protect my adopted parents from knowing that this was going on. Some of it was confusion—or youth. I didn’t have the vocabulary, as I wrote in the book, for what was happening. Some of it too was just pride. I think I really felt like if I could present this outward face to the world, then everything would be okay. And the things people were saying to me, or the confused feelings that I had, or the questions I couldn’t answer—that wouldn’t matter. I thought I could really control my story and how other people interpreted it and how they saw me. I wish I’d let that burden go a lot sooner.

I think a lot of adoptees are far from the only ones to have pointed this out in writing that there’s a great deal of pressure sometimes to appear—and not that this is a lie—I felt a lot of pressure sometimes to be “the good adoptee.” You know—happy and grateful and well-adjusted. No issues, no problems. I’m not trying to say this is universal, and I’m not interested in speaking for all of us, but I felt that pressure a great deal and I wish I had let go of that sooner. It really took until my late twenties to even begin to come out of that and to think that maybe this isn’t a burden I should be carrying anymore. Maybe my feelings and my questions and my doubts—maybe these are more important than whatever face I showed to the world.

I should’ve also trusted that the people who loved me would be able to understand that, because they have been. I haven’t been disappointed since I started talking and writing more often and honestly about this. The people in my life care about me, including my parents. They haven’t always understood, but they’ve been supportive and they’ve tried to understand.

So I’d probably go back and tell myself to put down that burden a little bit earlier. It would be okay. And it’s okay to acknowledge that things are complicated. And it’s okay to acknowledge that you have questions. It doesn’t make you appear strange or ungrateful. It’s just human.

NONFICTION – MEMOIR All You Can Ever Know By Nicole Chung Catapult October 2, 2018

Nicole Chung has written for The New York Times, GQ, Longreads, BuzzFeed, Hazlitt, and Shondaland, among other publications. She is the editor in chief of Catapult magazine and the former managing editor of The Toast. All You Can Ever Know is her first book. Follow her on Twitter at @nicole_soojung.

Source: https://chireviewofbooks.com/2018/10/15/nicole-chung-all-you-can-ever-know-memoir/

[apokine]

Anna told me to do the whole thing so here we are I guess

How did you choose your name? IDK I just wanted to still have a name that wasn’t like ~weird~ but still unique 

What gives you the most dysphoria? (Acknowledging that not all trans people experience dysphoria) even tho I got my tiddies removed i still feel kinda weird abt my chest if i’m not wearing a top lol…also a weird one but lipstick

Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria? social maybe? it’s just sort of there all the time so

What do you do to perform self-care when you’re feeling dysphoric? what i always do when im feelin down - EAT LOTS OF FOOD

What was the first time you suspected you were transgender? uhhh i think the first time i suspected it as a like TANGIBLE THOUGHT was this one time when i was out w/ friends and had to go to the bathroom and i absolutely had an epiphany in the bathroom that i wasn’t a girl hahahahaha

When did you realize you were transgender? idk how this is different from the last one and i dont rly remember when it was that i like officially stopped thinking of myself as a girl

What is your favorite part of being transgender? other trans ppl probably. stay awesome, trans peeps

How would you explain your gender identity to others? mostly genderless, but i fluctuate around

How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed? im out w/ family/friends, who all found out in diff ways i guess? some ppl i just told, i also wrote stuff on tumblr & fb about it

What have your experiences with packing or wearing breast forms been? no experience with either lol 

What are your experiences with binding or tucking? binding sucked haha i defo wore my binder way more than i should have and got that Big Back Pain so i eventually mostly stopped and then got my bops chopped off

Do you pass? nahhh (is it even possible to pass as nonbinary??? question for another day)

What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition? got top surgery, idk abt hormones cuz i dont see myself as transmasc and am not interested in looking Very Masculine but i would like to look Less Feminine

How long have you been out? uhhhhhhh year a half maybe???????

What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set? none, tho i wouldnt say i’m particularly ‘settled’ haha

Have you ever experienced transphobia? sure have

What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public? usually the women’s restroom, sometimes mens if it is more convenient

How does your family feel about your trans identity? mixed reviews lol, some of my family is super supportive, some of them are like “why are you doing this” etc

Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth? i mean i guess i’m stealth at work bc i worry abt my job

What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans? i wish that younger me just knew there were options i suppose

Why do you use the pronouns you use? I use they/them bc she/he felt too gendered for me and neopronouns just sound too strange to me personally. I respect and admire anybody that uses neopronouns bc those ppl are paving the way for future generations to have more options that are normalized tho. I just can’t do it myself cuz I have a big fear of standing out which is totally at odds with like everything I wanna be lol

Do your neurodivergencies affect your gender? i dont think so but who fuckin knows

What’s your biggest trans-related fear? NOBODY’S EVER GONNA LOVE ME

What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition? i feel like this has already been covered by previous questions

What do you wish cis people understood? that my gender isnt anybody’s business!! who cares!! 

What impact has being trans affected your life? idk honestly. dont know where to even begin trying to measure that

What do you do to validate yourself? well sometimes i like to argue with strangers on the internet 

How do you feel about trans representation in media? i love the increasing representation in the media and it makes me very happy to see being trans normalized and validated, but obviously there still just isnt enough good representation

Who is your favorite trans celebrity? angel haze maybe

Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most? hmmm well i think that trans people i know irl are the ones who have given me the most courage. when i see other people come out or change their name or use they/them pronouns or WHATEVER i’m like “wow if they can do it i can too”.

How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online? i wouldnt say im really involved w the community in any way aside from just being present here on tungle dot com

How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years? pretty much the same

What trans issue are you most passionate about? affordable & accessible healthcare!!! 

What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them? hey buddy i did it (am doing it?) and so can you

How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality? i feel like skinny white androgynous ppl are the ‘default’ nonbinary ppl which sucks. i esp feel the weight thing bc i feel like it really prevents me from being seen the way i want to be seen. on the class front, i feel fortunate that can afford surgery and whatever else i need

What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression? i feel like my gender expression is super feminine to other people. but to me i feel like my expression is pretty much aligned w/ my identity  

Do you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither? neither

What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it? sexual - idk i think i need somebody to figure it out and tell me. don’t really feel like labeling it right now, but sex is just not big for me. romantic - panromantic cuz i just like everybody. somehow much easier to figure out than my sexual orientation

Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference? no preference tho if theyre cis they better not be a douchebag about it

How did/do you manage waiting to transition? honestly i’m a huge procrastinator LOLLL. as long as i keep telling myself ‘haha yeah it’ll happen eventually’ i’m just like ‘cool so i dont have to do it NOW…’ as long as i have the knowledge that it WILL happen im like..i can wait. If I think abt the possibility that it might not happen I freak the fuck out…for a bit I thought it might not be possible for me to get top surgery (due to medical issues) and I was in panic mode.

What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things? idk i guess i learned a lot on tumbles

Do you interact with other trans people IRL? not super often, i mostly know trans ppl that are just like acquaintances or casual friends. our interaction is limited to liking each others instagram or facebook posts lol

Are you involved in any trans-related activism? nah tho i think it’d be cool

Free space! Answer any question you want, or make up your own question to answer. i refuse to make up my own question 

[toyfrog]

Spader' Portguese Interview: Planting a Massive Oak Tree and Breaking Away!

Oh, yes he is.

Without a Doubt: Spader isn’t happy. And it seems his own fanbase are out of touch with his true feelings on the subject of fame, and why he just wants a simple work schedule like he had in Season 1?

Is that too much to ask? Apparently so. And because he’s been forced to work all the time, it’s taking him away from his private life.

HES NOT HAPPY.

But those who follow me *know* this already.

James Spader stars in “The Blacklist” since 2013. It’s more of a dark character in his career, the ones he’s drawn to.

[I’VE MENTIONED THIS: WHENEVER A LEAD ACTOR BECOMES FRUSTRATED WITH STORY, OR IN SPADER’S CASE, ADD THE SHOOTING SCHEDULE, THEYRE GOING TO VENT. NOT IN THE STATES BECAUSE THEY ARE PROTESTING IN THEIR OWN WAY THEIR DISTRESS OVER THE CURRENT STORY DIRECTION. ILL EVEN ADD ON THAT THE INTERVIEWEES ARE HAND PICKED BY THE SAME SOFTBALL CREW WHO WILL WRITE JUST ABOUT ANYTHING TO HYPE A BAD SHOW OR INTERVIEW THE SAME ACTOR OVER AND OVER THE ACTOR WHO LOVES TO HEAR HIMSELF TALK, LIVES THE SPOTLIGHT, NILS IS A TERRIBLE DISEASE FOR ROOKIE ACTORS. THEY START BELIEVING THEIR OWN PRESS UNTILL THOSE RATINGS CRASH THEIR Q SCORE]

[SO WHILE AMIR ARISON, AND RE TWEET THEIR ‘LOYALTY’ BECAUSE THEY ARE GETTING THE MOTHERLODE OF AIRTIME AND STORY, OTHER ACTORS REMAIN SILENT AND FOR GOOD REASON. THE SHOW IS ALARMINGLY IMBALANCED.]

James Spader’s debut in the art of representation took place in the cinema in the early 1980s, but in the nearly four decades of his career, the actor stood out as a TV character in “gray” or completely dark. That was the unethical Alan Shore of Fair Cause and Boston Legal or the puzzling Robert California of The Office. But also from Raymond “Red” Reddington from The Blacklist, NBC series issued in Portugal by SIC. Dressing the skin to these villains is not an imposition, but Spader admits in an interview that DN had access that feels “a certain attraction” by them.

“I’ve always found anti-heroes very attractive and of course playing a villain who mixes his evil with humor and irreverence can be a lot of fun,” he explains. [HERES THE DISCONNECT: RED IS A VILLAIN-HIS FANS REFUSE TO SEE THAT. INSTEAD THEY FEEL RED IS THE LONG SUFFERING HERO HOPELESSLY IN LOVE WITH LIZ. YEA. THATS *NOT* WHATS GOING ON HERE AT ALL. IN THE END, “HE MUST PAY.” READ THE FARMER PARABLE AND YOU’LL KNOW THE ENDING. It DOES NOT MATTER WHAT GOOD RED DOES IN THE FIVE YEARS….IN THE END, “HE KNOWS IN HIS HEART THAT HE MUST PAY.”]

In fiction, he believes, tyranny represents “in many respects the extremes of society” and is a “kind of morbid curiosity” in knowing these extremes that impels it.

[DO WE SEE HOW SPADER AND KLATTENHOFF APPROACH THEIR INTERVIEWS? ALL ABOUT THE CRAFT NOT THE STORYLINE. NEVER ABOUT THE STORYLINE BECAUSE PROFESSIONALS LEAVE IT TO THE WRITERS. BUT IF RATINGS SINK BECAUSE OF THOSE CHOICES, THE ACTORS THROW SHADE IN A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE WAY AND SPADER BROUGHT HIS OAK TREE]

The success of his “Red”, the man most wanted by the FBI - who gave himself on the condition of being released and in turn helping to catch criminals on a blacklist - is also due to “luck” On television had come “at a time when anti-heroes were not plentiful.” “Now there’s probably more, though I do not have time to watch TV. I’m too busy doing it,” stresses the interpreter. [HE DOESNT WATCH TV HE DOESNT WATCH BLACKLIST ITS WHY HES NOT ON TWITTER HE GOES SHOOTS HIS SCENES AND GOES HOME. HE DOES NOT HANG OUT WITH ACTORS OR STAFF HE IS LIKE MANY ACTORS WHO PREFER TO AVOID THE SPOTLIGHT EXCEPT WHEN THE DIRECTOR SHOUTS, “ACTION”]

In his house, he says, “there is not a single television yet.” “I’ll move in soon, who knows if there will not be?” Jokes Spader, 57. “I do not know if this is not a paradox … I spend so much time, so many hours, [NOTICE HE KEEPS BRINGING UP HIS SHOOTING SCHEDULE? TRY MEMORIZING HIS DIALOGUE THE WINTER FINALE SHOWCASED SPADER FOR 21 MINUTES. THATS EXCESSIVE. He’d prefer ten maybe 8. 21 MINUTES LEAVES NO ROOM FOR ANYONE ELSE. FANS MAY BE FINE WITH THAT BUT SPADER ISNT. THATS OVERTIME] so many days, weeks and months to live within the television fiction and within the television drama … [SPADER IS TIRED. SPADER WANTS WHAT HE WAS PROMISED IN SEASON 1.I dedicate so much of my life to television as when I do not I’m working, I do not want to waste time with her, "he explains. [Her AS IN HIS GF? I would assume?]

Incidentally, probably not watching the fiction on the small screen is that James Spader does not have a formed and "objective” opinion on the evolution of the industry. “I do not know if I understand the business, I know it’s changing, it’s getting more involved and growing, it’s expanding in a dizzying way, [AND HERE COMES THE OAK TREE TO PROVIDE ENOUGH SHADE TO REACH LOS ANGELES] but it’s very complicated to be aware of what happens if we spend a lot of time working, [WORKING SHOOTING, NO TIME WITH HIS GF OR FAMILY NO TVS IN THE HOUSE DOESNT WATCH THE SHOW NOT ABSORBED IN RED ITS NOT HIM AND HES TIRED OF THE CHAOS-MY BELIEF, THE BAD WRITING. USING HIM TO FIX THE WRITING. USING HIS CHARACTER TO CARRY THE SHOW AND THE IMBALANCE TO THE SHOW] Which is my case, "he explains.

Compared to other NBC hit series such as This Is Us, Chicago Fire, Chicago Justice, or Timeless, [ALL THESE SHOWS HAVE BETTER RATINGS THAN THE BLACKLIST. THATS HOW BAD THE SHOW IS. WHEN ACTOR DOESNT USE THE EXCUSES OH, THERES MORE SHOWS ON TV, WE HAVE A BAD TIME SLOT, THE LIve 7 PPL WATCH-YEAH NO HE MAKES ZERO EXCUSES BECAUSE HE KNOWS.

ITS THE STORY TIER. HE WANTS IT TO GO BACK TO THE WAY IT WAS WHERE HE HAD LESS OF A SHOOTING SCHEDULE. SO FOR THOSE THAT SCREAM MORE RED AND LIZ AH THATS NOT WHAT SPADER WANTS. HE WANTS LESS.] The Blacklist ranks 13th among the 18 issued by the North American station. But it was once one of the biggest audiences. [BUT IT WAS ONCE ONE OF THE BIGGEST AUDIENCES. RECALL SALKE SAYING THE BLACKLIST IS POPULAR OVERSEAS? RECALL ME SAYING WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE BAD WRITING SHOWS UP? When PRESS DO INTERVIEWS THEY GET TO VIEW THE SEASON EPISODES. THATS WHY THIS INTERVIEW HAS BLACKLIST ON ITS DEATHBED] The fourth season, currently on display in the US, debuted in September last year with 6397 million viewers. The most recent episodes were below five million. [A BLOW INDEED ALL BECAUSE OF TOM PIMPING, ARAM PIMPING, ELISE PIMPING ALEXANDER KIRK PIMPING, SARAM PIMPING KEEN2 PIMPING AND FINALLY PLOT DRIVEN STORY WITHOUT PIMPING THE THREE MAIN LEADS AS THE SMASH CREDITS INDICATE FOR A REASON: RED/LIZ/RESSLER. NO INTERACTION WITH THE MAIN LEADS REFLECTS THE RATINGS-THE WRITERS KNOW WHAT THEY DID THATS WHY THEY ARE SILENT AND SO DO THE ACTORS. CURRENT STORY DIRECTION SINCE 3B KILLED THE SHOW] A blow that has left the doubt in the air: will NBC cancel or renew the story? [TWO MILLION VIEWERS LOST AND COUNTING. EUROPE SENDING THE SIGNAL TO NBC AND THE SHOW:FIX IT]

Spader remains optimistic, and believes that what has so far kept this story on air "is a strange mix of things,” [HERE COMES THAT MASSIVE OAK TREE AGAIN JUST PLANT IT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WRITERS ROOM OR ON TOP OF EISENDRATH'S DESK] including the fact that screenwriters are in Los Angeles [OMG WRITERS YOU ARE OUT OF TOUCH WITH THE MECHANICS OF NEW YORK AND OF COURSE BY THE TIME NY GETS THE SCRIPTS EDITS HAPPEN ADJUSTMENTS HAPPEN REGULARLY] and recordings take place in New York. “We do not even live our lives at the same time … [HE HATES HIS SHOOTING SCHEDULE DID I MENTION THAT? IF LA IS WRITING AT FOUR PM SPADER AND GANG ARE FILMING AT 7 PM OR 9 pm, OR TEN PM OR SIX AM OR 8 AM TO ACCOMODATE LOS ANGELES AND TO ACCOMODATE A SPIN OFF] The series is strange, sometimes surprising [SOMETIMES SURPRISING IOW HELL GET A GOOD SCRIPT LIKE CAPE MAY OR IN S3 IN MARVIN GERARD BUT MOST OF THE TIME ITS STAGNANT, PREDICTABLE AND PLOT DRIVEN] and intense, sometimes irreverent, [OAK TREE] sometimes passive [PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE] and still volatile.” [IOW IF THEY DO A 180 STORY FLIP BACK TO ITS As DIEGO SAID REGARDING S3 A MAGICAL FORMULA, NOT PLOT DRIVEN BS THE SHOW CAN LAST. BUT HE DOESNT WAX POETIC NOR DOES HE SUGARCOAT THE HYPE AND HE BRINGS UP IRREVERENT SOMETIMES? Yeah look it up. HES NOT HAPPY. ]

On the direction he would like to see the plot follow, [MAN I LOVE THIS YES JAMES WHAT PLOTLINE DO YOU WISH FOR BOKENKAMP AND EISENDRATH TO FOLLOW IM GOING TO GUESS ITS NOT KEEN 2 ITS NOT THE BABY, ITS NOT THIS ISOLATION OF THE LEADS AND HE NEVER MENTIONS RED AND LIZ NOTICE THAT?] the actor only says that “the most satisfying is when there is an abrupt change.” [ABRUPT CHANGE OR AS WE SAY IN THE INDUSTRY A 180 STORY FLIP. End KEEN2, SHAKE THINGS UP GO BACK TO RED/LIZ/RESSLER ENOUGH OF ARAM HES HAD THREE STORYLINES IN ONE YEAR AND TOM HAS HAD THE MOST EXPOSURE THAN ANY ACTOR COMBINED AND WHAT DID THEY GET? LOSS OF ADVERTISING 0.7! KEEP IN MIND IF TBL DEBUTS AT 0.8 ITS TOAST. It needs 1.0 TO STAY IN CONTENTION] “I think we’ve already been successful in that aspect and it was precisely these heights I most liked The Blacklist.”

[OY SPADER IS NOT HAPPY. FANS ARE NOT HAPPY ADVERTISERS AND NETWORK ARE NOT HAPPY AND NOW WRITERS ARE SILENT. FOR SPADER, ITS JUST A PAYCHECK NOW. BETTING ON RE WAS STUPID. GO BACK TO ORIGINAL STORY DIRECTION LIKE I SAID-A 180 STORY FLIP…SEEMS THATS EXACTLY WHAT SPADER WANTS: ABRUPT CHANGE AND IF THEY DONT DO IT AND LEAVE IT LIKE IT IS I DONT THINK HE WILL RENEW HIS CONTRACT BUT CONTINUE TO PLANT THAT MASSIVE OAK TREE .]