#maybe cause i watched house MD at age 3 maybe that was it

[willlmesh]

i'm noticing a theme in some of my favorite characters and it's medical malpractice

[81buttons]

Hii ^^ I love your account it's really the fandoms I love and I wanted to ask you if you could write a story about james wilson where he and the reader end up on a date at the monster truck (a bit like the episode with Cameron and House) or maybe House is there too, I just want a story a bit in the same style as the episode ‘cause I love that moment but with wilson. Thanks again keep writing I can't wait to read all your stories ❤️😊

hello so you should know that I am currently in my Wilson era so I loved writing this story, I took your basic idea and modified certain things I hope you like it...

´Like a date ?’ Part 1

Part 1 (this one), Part 2 , Part 3

House md!James Wilson x reader 

summary: when House invites Wilson's crush on a date for revenge or when Wilson falls madly in love with a member of House's team

TW: House being house, mention of failed marriages and divorce, some house’s jokes and for this story I don’t mention the presence of Cameron, the reader being the main female character in the House team

sorry for the grammar mistakes

——————————————————————————————————

"I am the best"

Wilson raised his eyes from his lunch, House stood in front of him with his eyes sparkling with joy? Or pride may be in any case it was not a good sign.

"And you want me to tell you that..." James replied not sure where his friend was going.

"I want you to tell me that yes I am the best being on this planet that is called Earth, that you will create me a congregation dedicated to the god House so that I have thousands of supporters and faithful, and finally that you tell me that I am the best thing that has happened to you even better than your 3 marriages. ”

James looked at him perplexed unable to know what he was going to announce, knowing his friend it could go from a simple action like buying him a can of coke or offering him a 2-year trip to the Pacific islands, or killing someone, the variables were endless.

"My friend, what are you doing on Friday night, no, it's not even a question in fact, I'm announcing that Friday night we're going to see you and me the Monster Trucks"

Wilson was shocked, a surprise a real good surprise from his friend, who did not ask him to commit any violation of the law. But suddenly his face darkened.

"Wait, you said this Friday night"

"Yes, Friday, you and I are as free as the air in the fabulous world of car destruction"

Wilson was embarrassed

"House, I can't I'm really sorry"

"I think you didn't hear, it's probably because of your old age but it's okay I'll repeat it to you, I said Monster Truck and you have no choice"

"I know I know but I had already planned something that evening"

" What can be better than that? Your wife? Your ex-wife? Your ex-ex-wife? Believe me, none is worth it"

Wilson sight, of course when House was offended he became bitter.

"It's been a month since I promised a friend to see him tonight, it's been almost 7 years since we saw each other, and I told him that we would see each other in town and that I will organise everything"

House stared at him for a second and then took a breath, he didn't believe what he was going to say.

"Your friend there... uh"

"Ben"

"Yes, Ben, does he like Monster Trucks ? ”

——————————————————————

House had managed to get two more tickets for tonight, yes two tickets because after he offered to invite his friend Fred to his Monster Truck party, Wilson had told him that he didn't need to do this for him and that he didn't want to force House to spend the evening with another person just so he could go see the Monster Trucks. 

For House yes, seeing the Monster Trucks without Wilson wasn’t possible, it's like eating bread without butter, watching a movie without popcorn, going to Vegas without playing, seeing Cuddy with a low-cut without saying anything ... in short impossible for him. 

But Wilson had insisted, because of his damned conscience he could not accept this ticket without feeling bad about his friend. So House offered him to also bring a friend like that he would not be completely alone during the evening.

"A friend? ”

"Yes, a friend, what do you think I have no other friends than you? ”

"No, no, it's just that I haven't met them before"

"Well, you'll see them on Friday night" and he left his office

"House if you bring back a ho-"

And now he found himself with less than 24 hours to find a "friend" for tonight, so that he would not be alone in front of the duo Wilson / Derek.

He thought about it very seriously, he had to be a person who he is sure is not a plan for tonight. Either a person from the hospital, it is well known that doctors have no life apart from their work. 

Cuddy? No, he needed someone who was afraid of him.

Foreman? No, he would surely say no and the company would be rather unpleasant

Chase? Maybe even if the Australian has surely never heard of the Monster Trucks on his island.

Finally he had an illumination, of course it was the ideal plan, he had to invite Y/N.

Since his arrival as a member of his team, House has noticed his friend's obvious link with the young doctor. After all, the woman was beautiful and young, one of the reasons why House hired her in the first place, but in addition ‘miss perfection’ also claimed to be a good doctor, from time to time according to him but enough to be useful to the team. 

Wilson always had the unfortunate habit of flirting with all the beautiful women he met and they fell into his ´nice boy' trap so easily that it had lead to 3 spoiled marriage. But with doctor y/n it was different, after carefully observing them several times, House had seen that the young woman was making her friend nervous, for one of the first times it was he who was in a lower position.

It was very satisfying to see how he managed to forget everything when he saw her, to the point of sometimes stammering slightly, if he pretended to listen to her we could see that he was completely lost in front of the young woman. In short, he was a mess in front of her.

This was a enough for House to invite her, okay she was not necessarily the perfect candidate, he should surely have to explain the rules to her for hours and she would surely be suspicious in the first place. But House saw this as a "revenge" on Wilson, he already imagined his friend's face; or even George's, when he was going to arrive at the woman's arm who drives him crazy. 

House knew he was pinching for her, they had talked about it but Wilson didn't want to do anything at the moment. So House had to force things a little, and after all y/n was one of the few people apart from Wilson to support House and accept his humour, and he also appreciated it especially when she shuts down Foreman or Chase, she was smart and clever.

Upon entering his office, he saw her studying a file on the table in the next room.

"Hum" he coughed so that the young woman noticed his presence.

She gently raised her eyes to look at him. "Everything all right? ”

"What are you doing tonight? ”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Part 2

[madqueenalanna]

sorry (lie) to defend hate crimes md but. i think a lot of 2020s discourse misses the context within which the show originally operated. and this is NOT to say "well racist jokes were funny back then" cause that is NOT my point. my point is all the stuff that isn't the racist jokes

like, house md started airing one year before supernatural and bones, two other shows i'm deeply familiar with. supernatural is rife with casual homophobia, racism, misogyny, you name it. bones is so deeply entrenched in boot-sucking post-9/11 government that it's almost unwatchable these days. house... isn't very topical. he makes a lot of 80s references, or older. there are maybe two troop episodes? but let's be real we've been in the middle east so long that hardly dates it. and like, what does the show house md have to say beyond house's personal bad actions?

prisoners on death row deserve respect. homeless people deserve the same treatment as anyone else. mental health conditions like schizophrenia (presumed or otherwise) or munchausens don't disqualify people from actually being sick. being fat is sometimes a symptom instead of a cause, and people overlook genuine health concerns in favor of blaming obesity for everything. orthodox jewish beliefs deserve respect, while christian grifting should be mocked. there is significant, murky overlap between chronic pain and opioid addiction and there is no easy middle ground (the show itself muddles this point repeatedly, to be fair). autism is more akin to another language than anything else, and autistic people deserve to be met where they're at. abortion UP UNTIL BIRTH is acceptable, even desirable given circumstances. it is acceptable, even preferable, to repeatedly defraud insurance companies and bureaucracies if it's in the best interest of the patient. eating disorders are dangerous/fatal and should be treated as such

like, i get it. a lot of aspects of this show have not aged well, particularly the main sell of "edgy epic atheist" house, which WAS a very mid-00s type of character. and i'm as guilty as anyone as doing pepe silvia on this show to make it sound epic (like here) but i do genuinely believe i'm not wrong. even if you don't read house/wilson as romantic, and you don't need to, their relationship is so intense that it eclipses either of their various romantic entanglements. wilson went through 3 ex-wives and an ex-fiancee, house gave up on at least 3 significant relationships. house gave up his vicodin, his medical license, his entire life so that wilson didn't have to die alone. how can that not be poignant, even now? how can anyone deny the emotional impact of that? fuck your destiel, fuck your good omens. you didn't earn eight years of THIS

rambling as usual but i'm right. this show can be a really difficult watch at times for cringe reasons but it can also be so unusually astute that it takes the breath away. what other show, especially in 2005, was giving the circle speech from "lines in the sand"? that episode aired the same year as supernatural's racist truck or bones' "troops did friendly fire but iraq was still justified" penultimate ep. can i say house was a GOOD show? idk. but it raised a lot of interesting points and had a lot of against-the-grain compassion that i still find sorely lacking even now, 20 years later

[justanotheronechicagofan]

Previous Chapter

7. The thing that works

series summary - Will the Halstead brothers be able to reconnect with their sister after 5 years? chapter summary - a worried Hailey visits Jay and finds out more about Madeline Jay Halstead, Hailey Upton TW - Mentions of parental death and missing persons investigation

series masterlist  | main masterlist

Several loud knocks on Jay’s door jerked him from his stillness. 

His phone screen flashed back at him - 22:38 and multiple texts from his partner. 

💬 Hailey :) [23 minutes ago] I'm gonna take your lack of response as a no - I'm coming over

💬 Hailey :) [48 minutes ago] You okay? 

💬 Hailey :) [1hr ago] Wanna grab a beer? I’ll buy ... :) 

Shit  - Considering he doesn’t even know where the past hour is gone, he really isn’t in the mood to see people. Especially people that he can’t hide from. Rubbing his face, he quickly made his way to the door. Before he even has the chance to tell her that he’s fine, his partner makes her way into the apartment, his favourite 6pack in tow. 

“Hails-” “Nope. I get you wanna be alone but that’s just not gonna happen” she says, already putting the beers in the fridge. Knowing he’s already lost this, he sighs and goes to grab the glasses. When he turns, he can’t help but smile seeing her struggling to reach for the whisky. “I got it,” he said, swiftly grabbing it.  “Why’d you put it so high?” she huffs. “Because, someone had a little too much and kept fighting me for more last time, remember?” he patronised with a smile on his face as he poured. He’ll never admit it but there’s a little part of him that left it there because he finds it cute.  She gives him a look but a second later, her eyes crinkle. “Still had that hangover though” laughing in the brightest way.  He chuckled and they clinked their glasses together before falling into a comfortable silence. 

They stand around the counter slowly sipping and although there’s a part of Hailey that wants to know, she decides to just join him in the quiet.  After a while he reveals, “That girl from yesterday. She’s my sister”  She suspected it but it still takes her back. Reigning in the questions popping up in her mind, she just asks “What’s her name?”  “Maddie. Madeline Grace” Jay said with a small smile.  “That’s pretty. It suits her” she said.  “Yeah it does. Mom had it picked out way before she knew she was having a girl” Hailey notices how this is the first time in weeks she’s seen him genuinely smile.  “Oh wow. Prepared lady.”  “Hell no. We were both in high school when Maddie was born - Will was a senior!” Jay laughed. “Total surprise after Mom and Dad went to the cabin for their wedding anniversary.” “Well, that cabin does have views,” she said, remembering when Jay invited Intelligence to Wisconsin in the Summer.  “Yeah. Mom was thrilled. I mean she loved us but I think she always wanted a girl. And man did Maddie have all of us wrapped around her finger, even Dad” Hailey chuckled as the image of a teenage Will and Jay trying to win the affection of a newborn popped in her head.  “What?” Jay smiled holding her gaze. “Just trying to imagine how that went down,” she amused.  “Oh it's exactly like you imagine it. Gets funnier when she got into fairies” “Did you join in?” she asked, holding back the laughter even though she knew the answer would be yes.  “Course I did Hails. Tea parties, playing house, being her horse, serious business.” he listed schooling his face before joining Hailey who was bursting.  “Seriously though, younger me would have loved that” Hailey said once they calmed down.  “Yeah?”  “Mhh. I was more into princesses than fairies but my 12 and 9 year old brothers weren’t as keen. They were good when I wanted to join in playing cops though so guess that came in handy” she joked.  “I guess it did,” Jay smiled, imagining a little Hailey running around. “C’mon what do you wanna ask me?” he said when he saw her debating something in her head.  “Uh- The tv the other night. I looked it up and that film- I mean, was she always into acting?” “Mmm. Was a surprise to me too. I haven’t asked her about it yet but I guess she always did liked to perform” “Perform?” she said, cocking her head.  “Yeah. She’s loved ballet ever since Mom first took her - I think she was like 3 or something. Told me today that she’s training to be one” he replied, proud.  “Really? Jay! That’s amazing!”  “Yeah. I’m so proud of her. I mean, Will and I always knew she would” he beamed.  “You have any photos?” Hailey asked, relieved seeing Jay this happy.  

He came back from the bedroom moments later and handed her a purple file folder decorated around the edge with gem stickers. She first picked up the stack of pictures and as she looked through them, the red haired girl in beautiful costumes grew before her, perfectly poised and always smiling widely at the camera.  “Man, you Halstead’s don’t like to go half way with doing things do you?” Hailey joked, perusing through the several clippings of local papers, the word ‘places’ and ‘wins’ jumping out at her in almost every headline. When she got to the last one, she paused at the date. 

_______________________________________________________________________ Carlisle ballerina wins first place in Youth America Grand Prix | 14 January 2013 Madeline Halstead of Carlisle took first place in the junior classical division of the Youth America Grand Prix Regional Semi-Finals held in Pennsylvania this past weekend. The 13 year old who has trained at the Central Pennsylvania Youth Ballet since the age of 7, performed three variations in front of 5 judges and a full audience. Although the Youth Grand Prix is considered to be the world’s largest ballet competition, this was not the first time Madeline captured a win. Miss Halstead first received gold when she was just 10 years old, going on to place in the top 12 in her category every year at the Philadelphia Semi Finals. The spotlight is on for Madeline as she prepares ahead for the NY Finals in April where she placed third in the same category last year.  _______________________________________________________________________

She furrowed her eyebrows as she flicked back through the articles - the earlier ones were mostly about holiday productions held in local schools but there was at least one for every year starting from 2006. Where were the others?  “That’s the last one,” Jay said, reading her thoughts.  She looked back at him confused, but that’s 5 years ago. He meets her with the same indescribable expression she had witnessed that night at Mollys. Jay bore into her as if he was analyzing her trust, then finally placed a file she didn’t catch the first time round in front of her. She tensed as she instantly recognised the front. A case file. 

_______________________________________________________________________

Carlisle P.D. - Missing Juvenile Report  Name: Madeline Grace Halstead  Age:14. Female. White. 5'4", 93 lbs. Red hair, long.  Last seen: Exiting ballet studio at 21:32 on 6/03/2013 walking towards North Street. Reported: 20:36 on 7/03/2013  Reported by: Robert Louis Davis, MD _______________________________________________________________________

Her breath hitched as she read the first few lines of the report. She looked back at him when she got to the reported time. Why did it take that long to report? Who is Robert? He’s a doctor? And where even is Carlisle? 

Hailey watched as Jay downed his drink and slowly began. 

“When Mom died- She uh went to go live with our aunt in Pennsylvania- cause none of us really could be with Maddie. Me n Mouse, we’d just got back, Dad was drinking and - I mean Will didn’t even come back for the funeral.” Hailey noticed the tinge of blame that was there. A smile touched his eyes as he continued, “But Mads loved it in Carlisle. Mamie, our aunt was Mom’s best friend and um she never had kids but she used to come over all the time and she helped us out a lot when Mom got sick. Mads and Mamie, they’d always call or send pictures and me n Mouse would go whenever we could. Mamie and Rob, they really helped me and Mouse out that first year cause- we were just- ” 

Hailey recognised that look in Jay as he trailed off. She always saw it creep up no matter how hard he tried to hide it. She didn’t know where to take this but she figured that him giving her the case file was his way of an invitation. She asked gently, wanting to bring him back. “Jay. She was walking home?” 

Jay slightly shook, bringing himself back and continued, “Maddie always biked or walked there cause it’s like a 15 minute walk and the towns small, safe. Tree lined streets, I mean the actual studios in a college.”

“And Robert? He didn’t realise?”

“Yeah. I couldn’t even look at him because of it then. But I can’t blame the guy - he got home that night at 2am and then slept cause he’d worked 18 hours. The school didn’t call him and Mamie didn’t pick up when the studio called cause she was out of town. Mads usually went straight there from school so he didn’t even know. Only found out when he went to pick her up. They tried but by the time it got reported it was-”

“Nearly 24 hours gone” Hailey thought aloud. 

“Yeah. Didn’t have anything to work with. The footage of her leaving the studio was the last thing, she didn’t show up on any eyes after. Just disappeared. They put out AMBER alerts and reached out to Chicago and New York cause that’s where me and Will were. They thought maybe she ran away but-” 

“She would have shown up on footage” Hailey finished the sentence.

“Yeah.” Jay breathed out, looking down the empty glass. “That and we knew her. She was so excited for the Finals in NY. Case never closed but after a while -” he shaked his head. Hailey watched his body clench as resentment smouldered his features “Not even a year after, Dad started speaking like she was dead. Like she was with Mom. Haven’t talked to him since” Hailey then witnessed the slight, almost imperceptible change in him, but couldn’t quite place it. He inhaled shakily then breathed out, 

“Thing is -”

“I thought she was dead too” 

It made sense to Hailey now. How her partner always seemed to find the cases involving kids the hardest. How he always went beyond helping out families who lost theirs. She wondered if maybe that’s why he joined Intelligence. If maybe in those late nights he stayed even when all the paperwork was done, he was searching for her. And that look she’d seen that night at Mollys. She could name it now. It was a look she would never be able to fully understand.  And as his escaping tears crumbled the wall away, she moved silently and held him. 

She was going to stay with him tonight. 

                                            💙✨🦋✨💙

Next Chapter 

A/N - The characters belong to Dick Wolf and are from the One Chicago universe he created. A longer chapter featuring Hailey and Jay. This was really difficult for me to write so I hope it turned out okay. Thank you so much to those that are coming along on this story with me :) 

[thisisabouta]

This is About a... Downfall.

It’s happening. I’ve been taking Lamotrigine consistently for 8 months or so. Maybe longer. This is the longest i’ve consistently taken medication in a long time. It’s Lamotrigine along with Doxepin, Hydroxyzine and Gabapentin.

This is where my head has been during these last 8 or so months. I was driving on the freeway, about to merge and as I saw my car getting closer to the concrete barrier, I decided to go faster instead of slowing down for the car that had the right a way. I was about to crash into the side of this fucking car but I just kept going. The car to my right had to slam their brakes and I waited to hear the loud crash from the cars behind them because there was no way this wasn’t about to be a 5 car pile up.

God was there because nothing happened but that was way too fucking close to a catastrophe. The car that I cut off trailed me for awhile and pulled up next to me, I’m sure they were trying to cuss me out, flip me off, something... Whatever they did, I didn’t see it but it was justified. I would’ve been fucking heated if it had been the other way around. I cut people off all the time. I drive like an asshole, whatever. This was different.

I’ve been disassociating for weeks now. In that moment, I could see everything that was happening but my brain was not telling my body the correct way to react. I knew to slow down but I couldn’t. Everything i’ve been doing lately has had a delay. 1 minute. 5 minute. 10 minutes. My processing is delayed. My speech stumbles out of my mouth and doesn’t make sense. I’ve been blacking out and losing moments of time for years now but not to this severity. Now it’s like i’m blacking out and not fully coming back from it.

I’m around people constantly. I’m in a position of “leadership” at work so I have to direct and plan, be on alert at all times. My work day now consists of getting asked questions that I can’t comprehend fast enough so I stand there with a blank stare on my face, slowly losing my credibility. It’s worse because some of the things i’m being asked, I absolutely know the answer to but my brain just cannot get there. I can’t focus on ANYTHING. I know i’m walking around in circles (literally) and I know other people see it but I can’t stop. This circling shit happens a lot but it’s picked up in frequency. After I realize what i’m doing, it’s already done. People are trying to get my input and ideas and all I can do is squeeze my hands together and stare straight ahead, hoping my brain will figure out that I need it to work.

When I try to read, I can’t. This isn’t all the time but it happening occasionally is already too much. Words are not always making sense to me. I cant understand what i’m seeing and I have to go over things multiple times. It’s the same with counting. I shouldn’t have to use a calculator to add 30 and 20 or hold five $5 bills in front of me and stare at them until I realize what it is that i’m looking at. It’s embarrassing to even acknowledge that this is happening.

I’ve been losing things more and more everyday. I’ve had a habit of losing my keys. I lost my work keys at my last job, three times. My new job, i’ve already lost my keys once and it hasn’t even been 2 months that i’ve been working there. When my coworker texted me telling me that she found them, I just wanted to cry. That sounds ridiculous but having those keys is a huge fucking responsibility. I can get fired for losing them. Somehow I escaped that at my last job but it was a constant fear that I had. This last time, I hadn’t used the keys at all that day and I still managed to lose them. I retraced my steps and I had not taken them off of my keychain. Things like that don’t help me overcome this engrained idea I have that the universe is against me. Those keys represent me trying to do everything I can to keep it together while everything still managing to fall apart.

I’ve been forgetting to pay bills that i’ve been paying on the same day, every month for years. I’ve been forgetting people’s names. I can’t always comprehend what people are saying when they’re talking to me... that’s been a big one. I had a customer walk to my register at work. I was looking down at something when he asked if he could pay for his merchandise (I found out later on). That’s not what I heard. It came out as mumbling so I just assumed he was making a comment about something that was left on the counter. From what I remember, I said “Oh... yeah...” and went back to what I was doing. He looked at the Associate next to me and she told him that there were registers at the front where he could pay (she was already helping someone). He walked to the front and it took me about 2 or 3 minutes to realize that he was asking if I could ring him up. And to add to that awesome moment, he glared at me for the rest of the time he was in the fucking store. Yes, one small incident but that’s nowhere near how many times something like that has happened. Someone will be talking to me and i’m literally catching about every third word they’re saying. You can only ask “what?” so many times before that person looks at you like you’re the dumbest person they’ve ever met.

Writing things down... i’ll go back and read over my notes. They make no sense. Things are spelled incorrectly. Everything’s scattered. Like someone else wrote it. I walk around feeling like i’m not apart of my surroundings. My surroundings are not reality, like walking through a Fun House with no fun in sight. It’s like i’m seeing everything in those mirrors that make everything look distorted. All I can do is stare and try to figure it out. I can only imagine what that looks like from the outside. People walking around me while I just stare. Standing there trying not to cry because i’m in public.

I’ve been hallucinating. That comes and goes. I’m still forgetting why I picked certain things up, or why I walked to a certain room or what I was going to tell someone. Things a lot of people do but usually with somewhat immediate recall. I’m not remembering these things til days later, if at all. That’s the more frustrating part. Very small, seemingly insignificant things are happening over and over and over again. It’s no longer an insignificant mishap, this shit is snowballing and affecting everything. I can’t manage a store if I can’t function like a normal, fucking human being. I talked to my Probation Officer about some of the things that were happening and she asked me what medications I was taking and if any of them were used to treat seizures. Gave her the list and two of them just so happen to be used to treat seizures. I already knew that was the case but didn’t think that they would cause this long, intense stream of side effects. I know all about the side effects of medicine. You’ll basically die if you take it and die if you don’t.

I’ve experienced the lighter ones. Nausea, dizziness, dry mouth. The usual shit. Not forgetting how to read a fucking sentence. To my POs knowledge, those drugs do cause a lot of neurological problems, much that make it feel like i’m disassociating. Most of these things had been happening prior to taking the medications but it got much worse over time. I read up on the side effects in detail when I got home and everything aligned. So [because I will control this situation as much as I possibly can] I stopped taking the two that were the main issue. Should anyone ever just stop taking their medicine without consulting their physician first? No. Did I do it anyway? Yes. Now i’m going thru the withdrawal. Besides me losing my fucking mind, the Lamotrigine was actually working. It was the first medication I had taken for my Bipolar that has ever had that positive of an effect on me. But that was at the expense of me literally going insane. It’s not going to matter if I feel better when i’m dead because I crashed my car into a wall. The risk does not outweigh the reward. It did not cure anything. It did not solve even half of my problems but it did make me feel better. Not taking the Gabapentin doesn’t make a difference.

Now i’m going thru the withdrawal. I have 11 drafts on here that i’ve tried to complete and publish over the past few months and they’re just sitting in there. I know the only reason i’m able to write this one is because i’m not on the meds right now. Now my heart hasn’t felt off beat for the past few days (that’s a difficult feeling to describe) but in return, i’m the angriest i’ve been in awhile. I got in an argument with one of my employees this morning and did not feel bad at all. I got into it with another ASM a few days ago. I feel my temper coming back.

I made an appointment with a new MD for next week. I need to start over. I made an appointment to see my current Psychiatrist and cancelled it. I’m done with that guy. He keeps throwing these random pills at me and it’s not working. Not that the next doctor isn’t going to do the same, exact thing but I made an appointment at a facility that offers “Advanced Integrative Medical Care”. Basically, they’re on some new age shit. I’ve been reading up on Ketamine Therapy for over a year and even though it scares the shit out of me, i’m not completely against the idea. They also offer Medical Marijuana. I am officially now in my last 3 month stretch of my house arrest and this shit has finally gotten difficult. The first few weeks were hard because I was still trying to figure out what I could get away with and apparently it’s a lot but now, I just need this shit to end. I’m getting restless. I’m scared too tho.

I’m still going to be on supervised probation for a year (based on good behavior) but I need to get back to... something. I can’t be sober and I don’t want to be. Weed has been fine. Good, enough. I’ve grown a liking to it and found some that actually relaxes me. Alcohol. I miss alcohol. I’ll forever miss alcohol. I’ll miss it even if (when) I start drinking again. It’s that important. Watching movies, seeing people drink to have fun, to relax, to be brave, to socialize. And yet, I shouldn’t engage in that. I know I can engage in good things but the drinking is what i’ve been told I should stay away from. I’m not going to stay away from it. Alcohol makes things better. I know it, the people who tell me not to drink know it. It’s there and I need it. Yes, the problem is that I abuse it. I don’t know if I can overcome that problem. I’m going to try. That sounds crazy and insane so... it’s just going to have to be crazy and insane.

There are other ways to deal with my problems and i’m trying to implement them and hang onto them. I need those things too but I can’t walk thru the world with this open wound that is my life, unarmed. Chemicals... drugs... my brain chemistry will never be right and if I know there’s something out there that will give me temporary relief, i’m taking it. I just have to put the recklessness aside. This time around was a lot. I pray that it was enough to set me straight. Or at least to keep me out of jail for the second time.

[wrckhvck]

         In PORTLAND, ME I found JAX COYNE, a child with the ability of BLOOD MANIPULATION. At first HE came off as IMPETUOUS but they also seemed GREGARIOUS. I was unable to procure the child, as an adult, they should resemble GRANT GUSTIN.  ( c, she/her )

hey hi hello everyone!  i thought my rping days were behind me but i loved TUA and decided to give this a go.  we’ll see how it works out shshshss.  i love yelling about riverdale ( so bad its kinda good ), shadowhunters, broadway, and love cats more than people and i’m super hyped to be here.  for a little more about jax, you can keep reading ~   also this is important !!! there are a lot of trigger warnings re: his past / life so i’m going to list them all here instead of in the tags at the bottom. you have been warned.   

           trigger warnings:  minor child abuse, child abandonment, domestic violence, negative self-talk, lack of self-esteem, suicidal ideation, self harm, self mutilation in the name of science, lack of self-worth, lack of self-preservation, unintentional suicide attempts, warped self image, bloodplay(ish), mentions of violence / self-violence.

        TLDR:  jax has a fucked up sense of self and likes to experiment on himself. proceed with caution i guess ???  

&. basics

full name: jackson ‘jax’ edward coyne

nicknames: jax, jaxxy, jack

age: 29

sexuality: pansexual

relationship status: single

date of birth: october 1

place of birth:  portland, me

gender & species: cismale, enhanced humanoid(?)

current location: unknown.

&. more basic info

languages: english, spanish, french. 

religion: n/a - he’s an atheist. 

education: BS degree in human biology concentration from the university of southern maine & MD from uConn school of medicine. 3 years studying to be a forensic scientist and now completing a one year residency/fellowship before getting board certified. 

occupation: forensic pathologist

drinks, smokes, & drugs: yes, no, yes.

&. personality

zodiac sign: ( references: one, two ) libra

mbti: ( reference link ) istj

likes:  emo music, pasta dishes, cats, supernatural (tv), black nail polish, coffee, true crime podcasts, greek yoghurt. 

dislikes:  socialization, herbal tea, vaping, people who don’t use their turn signals when driving, one way streets, mustard, taylor swift music, and reality tv.  

bad habits: bites his nails, picks scabs when you’re not supposed to, obsesses over getting song lyrics right, poor posture, obsessing over things that can’t be changed. 

secret talent: tattooing. he’s not licensed to do any work on anyone else, but he’s done a lot of the work on his sleeves himself.  he had his in love and death tattoo done when he was 16 and he’s been addicted ever since.  he was too broke to be able to afford constant work so he had to learn how to do it himself with a lot of trial and error.  

hobbies: listening to true crime podcasts, research, drawing/sketching, watching wrestling, boxing, studying, etc.  

fears: isolation, decision making, the future, responsibility, the truth about his origins. 

five positive traits: determined, altruistic, loyal, competitive & vulnerable

five negative traits: impetuous, cowardly, stubborn, blunt, & prone to self-harm in the name of science. 

other mentionable details:   jax has done some Questionable Shit TM in the name of science.  as he can control / manipulate blood, he’s frequently injured himself to test the extent of his abilities.  he’s also caused some health issues by increasing his blood pressure / fucking with the way blood is supposed to work that has landed him in the hospital a few times.  he’s also tried playing operation with himself and has been studying his genetics obsessively to try to figure what the hell is he / who he is.  he grew up thinking he was a monster (bc thats what they told him he was) so he sometimes considers himself more of a science experiment than a person.  

&. appearance

tattoos: he has full sleeves up and down his arms.  i can’t really find anything that suits it but i think the left side would be venom / symbiotes and  maybe some nightmare before christmas elements??? idk.  the other one would be like a graveyard kind of theme with like tombstones, skulls, some wild looking shapes and black roses..  he also has the album artwork from in love and death by the used on the side of his ribcage (x)   he also has the tattoo from supernatural (x) bc he’s a fucking dork and its his favorite show. 

piercings: nipple, septum, tongue. 

faceclaim: grant gustin.

&. family information

parent names:  helen & n/a. 

parent relationship:  he doesn’t have a relationship with his parents.  his mother gave birth to him at 17 - after having  not been pregnant until she went into labor - and always considered him an abomination. helen’s boyfriend broke up with her thinking she’d been unfaithful and wouldn’t believe that she hadn’t broken their agreement. they’d been saving themselves for marriage and were planning to get married the summer after they graduated.  betrayed by her love and judged by her extremely conservative, religious, family, helen found herself looking for love in all of the wrong places.  this love was never shared with her son.  when she abandoned him at a local orphanage, he was only 5 years old.  he never saw her again. 

sibling names:  n/a.  he doesn’t consider himself having any siblings. he bounced out of foster home after foster home and never made any lasting connections. 

sibling relationship: n/a

other relevant relative: none. he had a maternal uncle but he passed away when he was a baby. he never knew him. 

children: n/a

significant other / spouse: n/a

pets: he has a pet snaked named anguis. it means snake in latin. he thinks he’s clever. he’s not. sdkjgsds. 

&. biography

        it was a blustery october day when helen coyne doubled over in the park across the street from her house. she was meeting her boyfriend, edward lovington, and they had plans to get milkshakes and go to the movies.  instead she was rushed to the hospital under suspicion of a burst appendix, only to give birth to a healthy baby boy some minutes later.   this phenomenon would later be known to be the moment that 43 women around the world delivered babies without ever having been pregnant.  each child would have abilities beyond comprehension and some would go on to become students at the umbrella academy.  jax would not enjoy such a fate. 

      helen’s parents were extremely religious.  she and her boyfriend had pledged their chastity under the belief that they would be married come the summer and he believed her to have broken that vow.  he ended things with her and her family turned their backs on her.  only her brother kept in contact, allowing her and the baby to move into his guest house until they could get back onto their feet.  he was named jackson edward, after his maternal grandfather and his mother’s former love.  jax never met either man but had heard the story from his mother as he grew up.  to this day he doesn’t know why helen decided to keep him; why he wasn’t given up for adoption as a baby, or abandoned at the hospital on the day he was born. 

     desperate for love and looking in the wrong places, helen suffered a string of abusive and controlling men.  it was a circle of abuse that she seemed caught in, believing to her core that she deserved it because god had punished her.  this continued until jax was five, when her latest boyfriend scratched her face.  the cuts welled up - the first time a boyfriend had drawn blood in jax’s presence - but to everyone’s dismay, the wound coagulated and the blood disappeared, back where it came from.  her boyfriend would have killed them both - afraid of what he’d seen when jax yelled at him to stop - but his eyes ran red as the blood inside his body boiled and cooked him from the inside out.  the sound of his body hitting the floor was drowned out by helen’s screams.  jax was abandoned at a local orphanage days later, his mother unable to look at him as she believed he was a monster.  

        maine isn’t a big city.  the area they were in was extremely small, so whispers of what had happened to helen’s boyfriend ran rampant.  jax was branded a freak, kept in isolation at the orphanage in fear of what he’d do to the other children.  he didn’t understand his powers yet and believed what his mother said was true; that he was a monster and that he deserved whatever happened to him as a consequence of it.  he withdrew into himself and was selectively mute until his teen years, bouncing from foster home to foster home as he grew.   it was only when he was 13, now exploring his powers with a morbid curiosity he would later attribute to scientific hypothesis, that he started speaking again.  

     jax grew up very isolated and socially awkward.  he doesn’t always know how to talk to people or how to appropriately react in certain situations.  he’s very morbid, has a dark sense of humor, and has a lot of questionable interests.  his music taste is skewed towards screamo / emo music and heavy metal.  he prefers horror movies to essentially every other genre and spends hours listening to true crime podcasts and lives on CSI / Criminal Minds / SVU etc.  his favorite bands are my chemical romance, the used, saosin, underoath, black veil  brides, and disturbed. 

       academically, jax is kind of a genius.  he didn’t really have friends so he spent a lot of time studying.  he finds biology interesting because his own biology fascinates him.  he can control blood; can make it coagulate, raise his own blood pressure, and even create it from his own cells.  it doesn’t make sense.  it doesn’t fit into what he knows about the human condition and that fascinates him.  experimenting on himself has become second nature and he covered up the majority of the scarring with tattoos.  the only friend he ever had showed him how to do some of it himself as a teenager and he’s kept up with the hobby - buying cheap supplies online or cutting corners to keep up with the artwork decorating his body. 

     with two degrees under his bet, jax is swimming in debt.  honestly his checking account is a terrifying place to live.  he’s been low-key indulging in credit card scams for years to keep his head above water.  he has a ledger where he’s written down every card, every loan, and every payment he needs to pay back. it’s locked in a safe so no one can ever find it.  as a forensic pathologist he’ll make good money and hopefully be able to pay it all back before the cops come knocking down his door. 

[sisterbestill]

I write this on my iPhone, sitting next to my dad, who is currently getting his 4th Chemo Therapy Treatment of Carboplatin and Taxol. The drugs are chemical bombs and each week the accumulative damage grows. They pre-treat him with histamine blocking meds so he doesn’t have reactions, but he has reactions during the infusion, like he can’t breath. The nurses are well aware and calmly manage the reactions with more meds. These meds cause him to become very drowsy, so the remainder of the day becomes about keeping him from falling.

I still am trying to process all that has occurred since early August 2018. I look back on these pictures of our last outing at Lake Jocassee and never would have guessed how things would change just a week later. I’ve often wondered how cancer strikes people so quickly, now I know. I am writing this so I will never forget each minute that will forever live with me. I am also using this as a way to cope and understand something that is unfamiliar and terrifying.

My parents have always taken care of themselves and one another. They have been very lucky to have good health and I have been lucky to have them as energetic as they are in their eighties. When they moved up here from Florida, I was delighted I was going to finally be able to spend more time with them - like daily and weekly vs. just twice a year. They moved 15 minutes away or a lovely 60 min bike ride through rolling countryside and mountains. I was giddy and felt the universe shift a bit. I felt pulled to them. They are in fact two of the coolest, funniest, and open-minded people I know.

Shortly after this kayak trip (photos above) they decided to make a pact to live to 100 and created a “bucket list”. They were thankful for their health and never took it for granted. Perhaps the bucket list idea was a way to for them to celebrate how young they felt or perhaps they recognized they were chronologically getting up there.

Paddling on Jocassee was relaxing, calm, and beautiful; Certainly an experience they would have loved to have recreated again and I am hopeful they will. It may look different in the future, but I suspect the beauty and calmness of the lake will bath their brains in peace.

A week after snapping these pics, I got a call from my mom, she was on her way to the ER with my Dad. I was working one floor up and met them in the ER. While we waited, I learned my Dad had been feeling fatigued for several months and had developed shortness of breath over last few weeks. It wasn’t evident on the kayak trip that he was struggling, but it was obvious in the ER. My mom said they had been to their primary care several times and their primary care doc reassured him it was natural aging, as tests did not reveal anything to be concerned about.

As we sat for 6 hours in the waiting area, I was certain it was nothing serious. Afterall, my dad had no other health issues other than a little hypertension. His meds consisted of an 81 mg baby aspirin and amlodipine 2.5 mg each day - what a lucky guy. I was thinking maybe he had pleurisy or walking pneumonia.

We finally were shown to a room and labs were drawn. We were relieved to finally get things moving. By this time my sister, Lori, and I were getting silly from the fatigue of waiting. We were thoroughly entertained by a belligerent drunk guy on a stretcher in the halllway who seemed to draw all the attention of the medical staff while we well-behaved folks waited for answers.

I noticed my dad’s HR would easily jump to a sinus tach in the 130s with just a little bit of movement. Something didn’t seem right, but I was not going to speculate or think the worst. I was just his daughter, at his side, keeping the mood light.

We were informed by the physician assistant caring for us that his left diaphragm was elevated and was probably the cause of his shortness of breath. I was a little taken back as this was an unusual finding that left me with a knot in my stomach. Not too long after this finding he was whisked away for a CT of his chest.

He returned to the room and we waited for results. The PA came in with a sticky note and said she read off it: “You have a very large anterior mediastinal mass...No one here will operate because of your age...We are discharging you and you will need to see an oncologist.”

Our mouths dropped. My stomach bottomed-out as she said “mass” and my face flushed. We all just blankly looked at one another. Go home?

I spoke to a good nurse friend in recovery and she called the thoracic resident. I spoke to the PA who delivered the news and said, “We can’t go home. He is short of breath. He and my mom live alone. His Heart rate is bouncing up to 130s. He is weak. Please admit him and consult thoracic surgery.” My dad chimes in, “I’m not a throw away!” Meaning he doesn’t want to be dismissed because of his chronological age. He was far healthier than most half his age and this deserved a second look. The radiologist who read the report never actually saw my dad, but he did see a birthdate.

The next day, the interventional radiologist who read his CT and gave us the crappy news also did a needle biopsy of this baseball size mass.

We went home on a Wednesday after 2 days and waited. We were waiting for results and waiting for an appointment with a thoracic surgeon. Waiting is tough and if you are sick you will learn the meaning of patience.

We made it to Sunday when I thought something wasn’t right with my dad. He continued to have episodes of shortness of breath, but something was still off. I knew he had anxiety, but this was different. He said he felt fine and I almost left it at that. As a nurse you learn to listen to your 6th sense.

My parents live in a remote part of the county where everything is 30 min away. I left there house and an hour later returned with a pulse oximeter that I purchased from a CVS drug store. His oxygenation was 95% not bad for a guy now breathing 40 times a minute with 1.25 lung capacity. However, his pulse read 155 and I was baffled. No way?! I palpated his radial artery and it was a match. Off we went to the ER...

ER visit number II was faster as we went to a smaller satellite hospital 30 min from their home. The rhythm was too fast on the monitor to establish what it was so the ER MD attempted to chemically cardiovert him with adenosine. Adenosine is pushed quickly through an IV. It stops and restarts the heart. I can not lie, I was nervous. It’s so diffferent when this is your own family member. My mom tearfully excused herself and I stayed by his bedside. The ER doc informed my dad it would suck, and we proceeded. It sucked. He felt his heart stop and I watched his eyes bulge and panic come across his face for 3 of the longest seconds of my life. We were able to see he had an underlying atrial flutter. We were started on a verapamil drip and were transported to the main hospital for management by a cardiologist. His heart converted back to a normal rhythm on the verapamil drip before we left the ER in transport to Main hospital at 1 am. We were under the impression it was stress related to the new shitty diagnosis and having to wait on results.

The next day he had an echocardiogram to look at the structure and function of his heart. He was started on a Metoprolol a drug that blocks adrenaline and keeps heart rate lower and it was doing its’ job.

He spent 2 nights in hospital and outside of naps, lacked solid hours of good sleep. We finally got word that his ECHO results were good. No one said a word about metastatic disease to his pericardium. We were told he had a small ring of fluid within the pericardial sack, but it wasn’t a lot and certainly not something they felt needed draining. The atrial flutter responded well to the metoprolol and we were discharged home to once again wait for our thoracic surgery appointment.

We finally made it to the thoracic surgeon to learn of what was growing in my dad’s mediastinum. I was hoping for a thymoma, but instead we drew the really short stick with a highly aggressive, highly invasive cancer called: Squamos Cell Thymic Carcinoma.

WTF? Come on! Can we not catch a break here?

I had never heard of this type of cancer and neither have many in the medical field cause in addition to being aggressive and invasive, it is also a rare tumor. A rare tumor that hasn’t impacted enough lives that researchers devote a lot of time, money and effort into understanding it. Not only that, but sadly, most people die before any data can be collected. Once you get short of breath, dry cough and fatigue it is usually advanced.

PET Scan had some questionable lymph nodes light up, but no other disease was noted distal to the mediastinal cavity.

We hoped it could be removed. Excising the tumor was first choice in the management of this cancer and had the best outcomes, but to do this the surgeon would need to get clean margins. The thoracic surgeon wanted a cardiac MRI to examine if this tumor had invaded any of his great vessels. CT scans had only shown that the tumor was abutting the ascending aorta, but we needed to be certain cause the surgery involved opening his sternum with a saw and recovery would be 5-6 weeks. The surgeon emphasized that he didn’t want to operate and create trauma without being able to get the entire tumor. He didn’t want to delay care in a time-is-of-the-essence scenario.

It was 6pm on a Monday evening just days out from last hospitalization, when I returned to their house to check on him. Earlier that morning, my mom and I took his mini Pomeranian back to the vet and learned it was dying. The vet apologized and said it was time. We put my dad’s 18 y/o Pom, Ben, to sleep at 10:30. My mom held him and he passed. We were a mess. We told my dad and his response seemed flat. Distant.Something else was on his mind.

I stayed close and felt something was amiss, something was unfolding, progressing. I was thinking is he getting an infection? His temp was 100.2, slightly more SOB, and his pulse was 95-110 at rest, on a beta blocker. Nowhere near his norm and I could not ignore this or excuse it. My dad is precious to me. I looked at my mom and dad, apologized as I informed them we needed to go back to the ER. They were agreeable. I think he was relieved I recognized something was wrong.

Shortly after arrival at the satellite ER labs were drawn and ultrasound of his heart was done by ER doc. He said there appeared to be a large fluid collection around my dad’s heart. We were again admitted to ICU for a condition called Cardiac Tamponade. Early the next morning he had the fluid drained 600 ml from around his heart. The fluid build up which is inside the pericardial sac squeezes the heart. The heart can be stunned and go into failure. The fluid that was drawn off was sent for cytology. It was suspicious. It was likely metastatic disease.

In fact after annoying the cardiologist with repeated questions in the hallway, he motioned me over to his computer screen. He showed me the ECHO and pointed out the thickening of the pericardium and showed me a mass dangling from his ventricle. I didn’t need to wait for cytology. This was confirmation for me that we were very far into a disease process. My face flushed, my heart sank, and my stomach dropped as I comprehended the situation. I thanked the MD and my mom asked what he was showing me. I told her. I saw the color leave her face.

The thoracic surgeon was still hoping to remove the mass as the CT didn’t show it had invaded the great vessels, but he did want a Cardiac MRI which was on the back burner. We were still in ICU cause the Cardiac Tamponade and procedure to drain the fluid triggered a lot of Atrial Flutter and Atrial Fibrillation. We waited for the Cardiac MRI for 3 days. There is only one machine and his was repeated twice before they got quality images. The thoracic surgeon finally met with us and after consulting his partners, radiologist, and oncologist, it was decided surgery was just too risky and he wasn’t certain he could get clear margins. He stressed how he didn’t want to create more problems or delay my dad in getting treatment if there were complications. We very much appreciated the thoughtfulness of his answer. We really didn’t have a minute to spare. The surgeon decided to cut a window in my dad’s heart so the cancer did not build up more fluid and compress this vital organ again. The cancer cells would drain into his belly instead of filling the pericardial sack.

We were discharged home in a questionable state: weak. At first we were told he would stay until he was walking well, but the hospital was full and we were off-loaded unexpectedly. Home is a place with stairs. Stairs to to get in and stairs to get out and the most movement he had done in a week was walking 25 ft with a walker and that was exhausting for him. I was concerned about falls. How were me and my mom going to get 170 lb man up 5 steps safely? He was too weak. He hadn’t eaten, he had not slept in 10 days. We were behind the eight ball and chemo had not even started.

Chemo is rough. To survive chemo, one needs some level of fitness, meaning able to perform ADLs independently and move often. We were overwhelmed. The next week was labor intensive and emotionally draining. Here we were home and we were struggling. He still wasn’t eating, still not sleeping, and my radar was on constant alert. I spent my days observing and looking for subtle changes. Oh and there were changes that needed immediate attention as he flipped in and out of rapid atrial fibrillation and got urinary tract infection.

I was scared and my dad was terrified. In times when we were alone, he would ask me: “How did this happen?” He would shake his head as if disappointed in his body. Disbelief. He was unable to comprehend it and he too was terrified.

To be continued...

[roxysbeachlife]

10 Important Symptoms of Depression

I am posting this article as a result of my unsuccessful attempt to get off anti-depressants after 30 years.  The holidays make depression worse, especially when you are alone.  After a MAJOR downward spiral I post this for awareness.  Clinical depression is not to be taken lightly.  That being said, here is the article in it’s entirety…

Axel F. Sigurdsson MD

Major depression affects more than 16 million American adults each year (1). It can occur to anyone, at any age. And, importantly, depression is not a personal weakness but a severe medical illness.

Of course, we all have times when our mood is low. Gloom, heartache, melancholy, woe, desolation. These are all parts of life’s journey and fortunately most often normal temporary reactions to daily events. But, at what stage should such feelings be defined as clinical depression? The British writer and poet, Giles Andreae who himself has battled depression once said: “Thinking you’ve had depression makes about as much sense as thinking you’ve been run over by a bus. Trust me – you know when you’ve got depression (2)” 

Although this is not entirely true, it emphasizes the difference between clinical depression and occasional episodes of low mood. However, unfortunately, too many people don’t acknowledge their depression or think it isn’t serious or even believe that it is some personal weakness.

Only about a third (35.3%) of those suffering from severe depression seek treatment from a mental health professional (3). Hence, it is estimated that as many as two-thirds of people with depression do not realize that they have a treatable illness and do not seek treatment.

According to The American Psychiatric Association, “depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Fortunately, it is also treatable. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person’s ability to function at work and home” (4).

Hence, we might conclude that depression reflects long and persistent periods of low mood without reason? But, that’s a misinterpretation. The truth is that there is a reason. That reason is the disease we call depression.

The British actor and writer Stephen Fry has talked openly about his depression. He says: “Why should I be depressed? I’ve got enough money. I’ve got a job. People like me. There is no reason to be depressed. That’s as stupid as saying there is no reason to have asthma or there is no reason to have the measles. You know you’ve got it. It’s there. It’s not about reason.”

Depression is often considered to be a mood disorder. Fry says: “To me, mood is like the weather. Weather is real. It is absolutely real: when it rains, it rains – you get wet, there is no question about it. It is also true about weather that you can’t control it; you can’t say if I wish hard enough it won’t rain. It is equally true that if the weather is bad one day, it will get better and what I had to learn was to treat my moods like the weather.”

  1. Depressive Mood

Persistent sad, anxious or “empty” mood is an essential feature of major depression.

However, frequently those who have suffered from depression describe their depressive mood in a more specific manner. It is not just about feeling sad all the time. It is somewhat different and usually much worse.

In fact, people with depression not always feel sad. They may be able to speak with their friends and have a laugh. On the outside, it may look like there’s nothing wrong. But inside, there is something missing. There is an emptiness, so hard to describe and so hard to understand unless you have experienced it yourself.

Let me quote Stephen Fry again: “There comes a time when the blankness of the future is just so extreme, it’s like such a black wall of nothingness. Not of bad things like a cave full of monsters and so, you’re afraid of entering it. It’s just nothingness, the void, emptiness and it is just horrible.”

Fry even goes further and says: “It’s like contemplating a future-less future and so you just want to step out of it. The monstrosity of being alive overwhelms you.”

Some patients with depression express intense sadness and emotional distress whereas others have a sense of emotional numbness (“blahs”). Hence, the magnitude and nature of the depressive mood may vary between patients.

2. Anxiety

Depression is often associated with anxiety. Both are facilitated by stress, either recent or dating back to childhood (5). Up to 70 percent of patients with depression experience anxiety (6).

Anxiety may be described as a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome.

Today, many experts believe that depression and anxiety are not two disorders that coexist but two faces of one disorder (7).

Often, anxiety precedes depression, sometimes by several years. Typically the onset of anxiety is in late childhood or early adolescence. Depression usually begins a few years later with typical onset in the mid-20s (8). But, of course, depression may occur at any age.

One person suffering from depression and anxiety wrote (9): I’ve always lacked self-confidence, even before my anxiety disorder was identified. I try to mingle with the best of them, but at the same time on the inside, I’m an intolerable nervous wreck and always wish I was at home watching repeats of “Friends” with a slab of fudge cake, even when I’m socializing with my nearest and dearest. Sadly, I don’t think this will ever change. So when I’m at that point where I’m trying just to leave the house, let alone do anything adventurous, my fragile mind always says “But, why? Why bother? You’re going to fail at this anyway?”

In fact, isolation may become quite severe. Simple tasks such as going to the supermarket may become a major hurdle.

3. Loss of Interest or Pleasure in Activities Once Enjoyed (Anhedonia)

The word Anhedonia describes the inability to experience pleasure from activities usually found enjoyable, e.g., exercise, hobbies, and social interactions. In Greek, anhedonia directly translates to “without pleasure.”

Most patients with depression have anhedonia. It is a crucial feature of major depression. Events and activities we used to enjoy become less interesting or fun. We may even lose interest in our friends. Libido and interest in sex often decrease as well.

Some experts suggest that anhedonia comes not from a reduced capacity to experience pleasure, but instead from an inability to sustain good feelings over time. In other words, maybe pleasure is experienced fully, but only briefly, not long enough to sustain interest or involvement in life’s good things (10).

In anhedonia, the simple and satisfying sensation of joy seems to be lacking.

Following his experience with depression, Giles Andrea wrote: “And if depression has taught me one thing, it is this: what a rare and beautiful treasure is the simple human gift of joy. For me now, joy – our capacity to delight in one another and the world – is the reason why we are here. It is as simple as that. And I feel compelled to spread the word (2).”

Anhedonia may promote social withdrawal and negative feeling towards yourself and others. Emotional abilities may be reduced, and there may be a tendency to show fake emotions. We may struggle to adjust to social situations and our interest in intimacy may diminish.

Sometimes, anhedonia is divided into social anhedonia (a general disinterest in social contact), and physical anhedonia (an inability to feel pleasure from things likes eating, touching or sex)(11).

4. Fatigue or Loss of Energy

Contrary to many other medical symptoms, fatigue is an entirely normal phenomenon in particular situations. We all become tired, but it usually gets better by rest or sleep. However, chronic fatigue as a medical symptom is typically persistent and not relieved by rest (12).

Chronic fatigue is prevalent among patients with depression. It is often described as feeling tired all the time, exhausted or listless. Some people with depression experience total lack of energy sometimes called ‘anergia’.

Fatigue and depression seem to have a circular relationship. For some, fatigue will come first; for others, depression will come first, but for most, it will probably be unclear (13). The fatigue may lower self-esteem and make the depression worse, leading to more fatigue.

If the fatigue that comes with depression becomes overpowering, basic tasks such as getting out of bed and walking may be exhausting.

The symptoms of fatigue can affect physical, cognitive, and emotional function, impair school and work performance, disturb social and family relationships, and increase healthcare utilization (14).

5. Feelings of Worthlessness or Excessive Guilt

A study of patients with major depression published 2015 showed that self-blaming emotions occurred in more than 80% of patients with self-disgust/contempt being more frequent than guilt, followed by shame (15).

The majority (85% of patients) reported feelings of inadequacy and self-blaming emotions as the most bothering symptoms compared with 10% being more distressed by negative emotions towards others.

Patients with depression often tend to misinterpret events or minor setbacks as evidence of personal failings (16).

A patient with depression has described her feelings in the following manner (17):

“I should be a spy; I am so good at leading a double life. I can put on a smile, muster up a good conversation (after ignoring a few calls and messages), but the reality is, all those “normal,” happy interactions exhaust me, and for that, I feel guilty.

I feel guilty that I want to scream at my boyfriend who is just trying to be understanding. I feel guilty that I cause those closest to me to worry. My parents, my partner, my family, and friends, all of them try to support me, to ensure I don’t get too low. How do I tell them it isn’t them and no matter what they do often I just feel low? I feel guilty that their efforts to help sometimes just make it worse.

I feel guilty for canceling plans last-minute. I mean to go, I want to go, but often I just don’t have the strength. I am brilliant at making excuses, but the shame I feel for letting people down is ever-present.

I even feel guilty for feeling guilty. Maybe some other people understand this warped way of thinking. I would tell anyone else with depression to not be so hard on themselves, to acknowledge their efforts. But to me, I just feel guilty.”

6. Sleep Disturbance (Insomnia and Hypersomnia)

Several types of sleep disorders may occur in patients with depression. The term insomnia is used often used to describe the symptoms associated with these sleep disorders.

Insomnia may be a difficulty falling asleep, waking up frequently during the night with difficulty returning to sleep, waking up too early in the morning, or merely an unrefreshing sleep. It is not defined by the number of hours slept but reflects the satisfaction with sleep. Insomnia is often associated with tiredness, lack of energy, difficulty concentrating, and irritability.

Depression may be associated with difficulty getting to sleep (initial insomnia). Waking in the middle of the night (middle insomnia) or earlier than usual (terminal insomnia) with difficulty turning to sleep is common. Prolonged nighttime sleep or daytime sleeping (hypersomnia) may occur as well.

About three-quarters of depressed patients have insomnia symptoms, and hypersomnia is present in about 40% of depressed young adults and 10% of older patients, with a preponderance of females (18).

Disturbed sleep is a very distressing symptom which has a significant impact on quality of life in depressed patients (19).

Many patients with depression wake up prematurely in the early morning hours, unable to get back to sleep. This early-morning awakening is often associated with dysphoria and depressive thoughts, and sometimes there is an agitated, even a panicky feeling. This may often get better during the day and the evenings are often more comfortable.

7. Neurocognitive Dysfunction (Difficulty Concentrating, Remembering or Making Decisions)

Neurocognitive dysfunction is common in patients with depression (20).

Memory loss and an inability to focus or concentrate may be pronounced. Working memory, fluency, and planning and problem-solving abilities may be impaired.

People with depression often feel like they can’t focus. Comprehending what you are reading may become difficult and affect the ability to store information. This may negatively impact enjoyment when reading for pleasure.

The ability to receive information or directions may be impaired. We may appear easily distracted. This may affect performance at school and work. Sometimes these symptoms may be misinterpreted as lack of interest or consideration.

In most cases, neurocognitive dysfunction in depression is readily distinguished from that caused by dementia.

8. Change in Appetite and Body Weight

Reduced appetite and weight loss are common in patients with depression. However,  increased appetite and weight gain may also occur.

Changes in eating habits are often related to other symptoms of depression, such as lack of energy and interest or pleasure from activities.

While a loss of appetite is common in depression, the sadness or worthlessness experienced by many patients may be associated with overeating (emotional eating). Emotional eating is eating in response to emotional rather than physical hunger.

9. Psychomotor Disturbances (Restlessness, Irritability, Retardation)

Psychomotor disturbances that are common in depression include both agitation and retardation (16).

Psychomotor agitation is a series of unintentional, nonproductive or purposeless motions. In patients with depression, this may present as hand-wringing, pacing, and fidgeting.

Psychomotor retardation is a slowing down of thought and physical movements and may include slowing of body movements, thinking, and speech.

10.  Thoughts of Suicide or Death

Depressed patients often experience recurrent thoughts of death. Suicidal ideation often occurs and there is a risk of suicidal attempt in some patients with depression (21).

Sometimes, suicidal ideation is passive. Patients often consider life not worth living and that their closest family and friends would be better off if the patient were dead.

In contrast, active suicidal ideation is marked by thoughts of wanting to die or commit suicide (16). There may be suicide plans and preparatory acts (e.g., selecting time and location, choice of method, or writing a suicide note). Such behavior indicates the patient is severely ill.

Suicidal ideation is usually preceded by hopelessness and negative expectations for the future. The patient may regard suicide as the only option to escape a never-ending and intense emotional and often physical pain

Alarmingly, many patients with suicidal ideation have not been recognized as having depression. In a large Canadian study, 48% of patients who had suicidal ideation and 24% of those who had made a suicide attempt reported not receiving care or even perceiving the need for care (22). The investigators concluded that future research should be directed toward finding better ways to identify these individuals and address barriers to their care and other factors that may interfere with their receiving help.

The annual suicide rate in the United States is approximately 13 per 100,000 individuals. Suicide is the tenth leading of cause of death. In 2014, the total number of suicide deaths in the United States was 42,773 (23). This equals 117 suicide deaths every day.

It is recognized that certain occupations and professions may be more susceptible to depression and suicide. Occupations that require frequent or difficult interactions with the public or clients, and have high levels of stress and low levels of physical activity seem to be at highest risk (24).

The medical profession has the highest risk of death by suicide of any profession or occupation. Other high control and highly regulated professions such as law enforcement, military, and the legal profession may be more likely to experience depression and suicidal behavior, and less likely to seek intervention because of the associated stigma and possible licensure implications (25).

Recent research suggests that suicide is three times more likely in individuals who have experienced a concussion, so occupations that might result in head injuries may be predisposed to suicide, with or without concomitant depression (26, 27).

A few patients with depression have described their thoughts concerning suicide on the website The Mighty (27). Here are a few examples:

“It feels like you’re all alone and no matter what’s said to you, you feel like it’s not true or doesn’t matter. It feels like you just need to end it all because you’re so tired of fighting every single day.”

“I didn’t realize what I was feeling until I came out of it. It felt like I wasn’t breathing, I was drowning, and someone was holding my head under water. I was lost, alone and there was no other way out. No one understood me and no one ever would. When I finally broke free of the deep suicidal thoughts, I was able to see them for what they were, not before or during. I felt choked by the emotions and blinded by them.”

“A constant ache in my heart, my lungs, my wrists, my legs, my mind and the pit of my stomach. The ache that tells me nothing is sacred; everything is pointless. That nothing ever has or ever will matter. Why must I continue breathing? Why must I keep getting out of bed every day when I am so incredibly tired? Feeling utterly worthless, to the point that you wonder if your own children would be better off without you around.”

 “The thought of death formed as a monster in my head. It is after me; I cannot run away from it. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live, either. The pain is too much strong, so I desperately think I cannot take another day. But deep down inside of me, I always have a tough wish to see another day — as a human instinct, I guess. I grabbed this very little feeling to go on. I hope everyone else will [too].”

“And if depression has taught me one thing, it is this: what a rare and beautiful treasure is the simple human gift of joy. For me now, joy – our capacity to delight in one another and the world – is the reason why we are here. It is as simple as that. And I feel compelled to spread the word.” Giles Andrea

Diagnosing Depression

Symptoms of depression may include the following:

Persistently sad, anxious, or empty moods

Loss of pleasure in usual activities (anhedonia)

Feelings of helplessness, guilt, or worthlessness

Crying, hopelessness, or persistent pessimism

Fatigue or decreased energy

Loss of memory, concentration, or decision-making capability

Poor abstract reasoning

Restlessness, irritability

Sleep disturbances

Change in appetite or weight

Physical symptoms that defy diagnosis and do not respond to treatment – (very commonly pain and gastrointestinal complaints)

Thoughts of suicide, death, or suicide attempts

Poor self-image or self-esteem

To establish a diagnosis of major depression, a patient must express one of the first two items above and at least five of the other symptoms listed. Such disturbances must be present nearly daily for at least two weeks (25).

The Bottom-Line

Dear reader. If you have read this article, it may be for general information purposes or because you fear or believe that you may be suffering from symptoms associated with depression. If the latter is true, I want to remind you that depression is not a personal weakness but a serious medical disorder.

Because depression is a disease, it can not be “willed” or “wished away”. Unfortunately, that is a common misperception by the public and some medical professionals.

Patients with depression often feel terrible. The combination of physical and emotional symptoms may be overwhelming. The tiredness, darkness, and emptiness may seem unbearable. However, depression is a treatable disease. Almost all people who have suffered from depression will tell you that things will get better. And that is true.

And, remember; Never be ashamed of your depression. You wouldn’t be if you had a brain tumor, heart attack or leukemia.

Oh, and finally; Don’t try to deal with your depression by yourself. Seek professional help.

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Most Common Sleep Problems and Solutions

Are your baby's sleep habits keeping you up at night? You're not alone. With four kids, I've encountered just about every possible pitfall, from one son who would only fall asleep in his car seat to another who refused to nap longer than 20 minutes at a stretch for months on end. Sleep can be a loaded issue, and you may wonder if you're somehow causing your baby to wake frequently or sleep fitfully. Relax. All moms run into tricky situations with their babies, and as with any other parenting decision, there's more than one "right" way to address them. Here, we've gathered five baffling sleep scenarios and asked other parents and sleep experts for possible solutions.

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The Rocker

Sleep Scenario #1

My baby is 5 months old. I've always rocked her to sleep, but I'd like to be able to lay her down and have her fall asleep on her own. How can I make this happen without a lot of trauma and tears for either of us?

In order for a baby to transition from falling asleep while rocking in your arms to falling asleep on her own, she has to master two smaller skills -- the ability to fall asleep someplace other than in your arms, and the ability to fall asleep without being rocked, explains Ann Douglas, author of Sleep Solutions for Your Baby, Toddler, and Preschooler (Wiley).

If you aren't comfortable with making your baby learn to put herself to sleep "cold turkey," you can try substituting what Harvey Karp, MD, author of The Happiest Baby on the Block (Bantam) and an American Baby advisor, calls a new sleep association. From being inside your body, babies are born accustomed to drifting off to sleep amid noise, tactile stimulation, and rocking. Gradually replace rocking with white noise (you can play a CD), Dr. Karp recommends. If you play the sounds while you're rocking the baby to sleep for four or five consecutive nights, she will begin to create a new association with sleep, and her transition from falling asleep in your arms to falling asleep in the crib will be easier, Dr. Karp says. "The idea is to create other sleep associations that don't require your presence to help the baby fall asleep," he adds.

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Be prepared for your baby to put up a big fuss the first few times you lay her down awake. Some sleep-training techniques instruct parents not to pick up a crying baby but to come into the room at set intervals (every five minutes, for example) and talk to her in a reassuring voice.

But that approach doesn't work for all babies or parents. Christine George, of Lansing, Michigan, tried that method with her 6-month-old, Kayleigh, but the crying didn't stop, even after 10 or 15 minutes. Instead, Kayleigh became more and more upset until she was screaming, red faced, and gagging. "After two nights of becoming almost as upset as my baby was," George says, "I decided that technique just wasn't going to work for me."

What did work? "We'd walk around the room with her for a few minutes until she was drowsy, and when we laid her in the crib, we'd gently bounce the mattress with one hand while pressing her belly with the other hand and saying 'Shhhh' for a minute or two until she fell asleep," George says. "After a while, we were able to do it without the hand on the belly, and then without the bounce, and finally we were able to lay her down awake and she'd fall asleep." The process took two weeks.

Remember that there's no one-size-fits-all approach, advises Claire Lerner, LCSW, an American Baby advisor and the director of parenting resources at Zero to Three, the National Center for Infants, Toddlers, and Families. "With some babies, you can pat them or just sit there so they can see you, but for a lot of babies that's just confusing," she says. But even if you choose to walk away from her bed, the crying isn't likely to last more than a few nights. "The more consistent you are, the quicker she'll learn

The Anywhere-But-Home Sleeper

Sleep Scenario #2

My 10-month-old falls asleep in his car seat when we run errands but won't remain asleep when I try to take him in the house. Then he won't fall asleep during his bed or naptime.

Since babies this age are very curious, if he's falling asleep on short car rides, it's likely that he's not getting enough sleep around the clock, advises Marc Weissbluth, MD, pediatrician and author of Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child (Ballantine). Observe your child over a 24-hour cycle, and see if you're missing cues that he's sleepy: Is he rubbing his eyes, acting clingy or anxious, or whining? If you're reasonably sure that your baby's getting enough sleep overall, it's possible that you're just planning your outings too close to his naptime, so you may want to readjust your errand schedule to accommodate his naps -- a 20-minute catnap in the car can spoil the two-hour rest you looked forward to all morning.

Since that's not always possible, another option is to let your baby finish out his nap in the car seat. "You can grab a book and read in the car while your little one finishes his nap, or transfer him right in his car seat and park him next to you on the floor in your house until he wakes up," suggests Elizabeth Pantley, author of The No-Cry Sleep Solution (McGraw Hill).

The Speed Napper

Sleep Scenario #3

My baby goes down easily for a nap, but she gets up after 20 minutes. Within an hour she's rubbing her eyes and looking tired. How can I help her nap longer?

First, try to get at the root cause. Is your baby objecting to something in her nap environment? Maybe it's too warm or too cool, too loud or too quiet. Or perhaps she just hasn't mastered the skills that will allow her to soothe herself back to sleep if she wakes up.

If your baby is consistently waking up too early from her naps, work on establishing adequate nighttime sleep first. "Being overtired actually prevents babies from sleeping well," says Donald Goldmacher, MD, cocreator of the video Helping Your Baby Sleep Through the Night.

If she does sleep well at night, make sure her naps are in a similar environment; buy thick curtains to pull across the windows and create a pre-nap wind-down similar to your bedtime routine. Another possibility: perhaps you're waiting too long to put baby down for her nap -- most babies should nap two hours after they've woken up in the morning.

The Nap Resister

Sleep Scenario #4

My 11-month-old used to take two naps a day -- one in the morning and then one in the afternoon. Now he's suddenly resisting his morning nap. What can I do?

Eleven months old is on the young side to be dropping a nap, but it's not unheard of, says Dr. Weissbluth. He reports that 90 percent of all 12-month-olds take two naps a day, but by 15 months, 20 percent drop that morning nap.

How can you tell whether your baby is ready to give up his morning siesta? Keep an eye on him around 4 to 5 p.m., says Dr. Weissbluth. "If your baby is good-natured and happy, he's probably well rested. If he's rough around the edges, he probably isn't, which means he needs that second nap." Why wait until late afternoon to monitor his mood? At the end of the day, says Dr. Weissbluth, many children run out of steam because they aren't sleeping well enough, but they may have a rebound of evening energy that can mask sleep deprivation.

The Routine Sleeper

Sleep Scenario #5

My 7-month-old has a predictable bedtime routine, and she sleeps great at home. But she's so used to the routine that any little change throws her off. We have a vacation coming up, and I'm afraid she won't go to sleep in the hotel. What can we do to make sure she goes down?

Try to re-create your at-home bedtime routine as much as you can. Even if you aren't at home, you can probably give your baby a bath at around the same time as usual. Take an item from home, like a familiar sleeper, portable crib, or music that she's used to, and be sure to give her ample wind-down time each evening, particularly if your trip includes contact with a lot of new people, a whirlwind itinerary, or noisy or brightly lit environments.

Shannon Cate, of Illinois, says that her 10-month-old daughter, Nat, was a good sleeper at home but couldn't settle down if she could see her parents in the same room. "We learned that we needed a suite when we stayed in a hotel," Cate says. "That way, we could put Nat in a separate room at her usual bedtime, and we could order room service for dinner and watch a movie."

This option is expensive, though. "In a pinch, we've created partitions with furniture to block our daughter's view of us," Cate adds. "We also never leave home without her white-noise machine, to muffle the sounds of TV and talking."