#maybe I'm doing something wrong that I'm too autistic to automatically know

[jarate-enjoyer]

I think I'm having burnout with making SFM posters. idk, I just want to quit everything

[bogkeep]

like i Know it's "not normal" to be tired all the time but what can i do. existing is exhausting

my mother is once again Worried For Me because i've accidentally given her the impression that i don't have the energy to do things all the time, which is fair because i use the phrase "i don't have the time or energy to do that" a lot about things i wish i could do if the society we live in was structured a little bit differently. like, maybe it's just because i'm in community with a lot of neurodivergent/disabled/chronically ill people and it's just a given that Everyone has a limited amount of time and energy per day, and that it's Normal to structure your life as best as you can to make sure you get around to do the things you need/want to do and rest/recover as needed.

so it's like. there's things i would like to do but i have eight hours of school and i must run errands and i must cook food and i must have sleep. i don't have a car so i walk everywhere. i must feed my soul and i must relax. it's difficult to Add things to that mix unless it's a one-off. i thought my mom would Get It since she too is an adult and i've seen her nap after work more times than i could possibly count. so i don't know if there's some mismatch in communication or if there's something so deeply wrong with me i can't even see it.

like i'm sure SOMETHING is "wrong" - i've heard from multiple reliable sources it's not Good or Normal to "not know what it's like to feel fully awake". like i've never slept enough no matter how much i sleep - though i've always figured i maybe just don't sleep enough, or i sleep wrong or something (i actually took a sleep test once and apparently i sleep very well). or i figured it's just being autistic and obsessive compulsive that's just really, really exhausting. like if wearing clothes and accessories drain me of energy then no wonder, right? like to me this is just normal so i don't think about it too much.

something my mom has told me many times is that if you get into a routine of doing many things you get good at doing many things, and doing few things makes you tired. like how regularly doing exercise does, after a certain point, energize you instead of draining you. i've never gotten to that point, i think. to me it sounds as far away as the "once you drive enough it becomes automatic" statement. how much do you need to do to Get There? i have struggled to find a way to do Regular Exercise (i mean, i Walk Everywhere. according to my GP i am filling the quota for regular exercise by walking to school every day) that's like... sustainable for me? it's a bit like asking a poor person to save money but you kinda gotta spend money to live. like maybe that's the one thing that would help me feel awake and energized but how the fuck do i even get there when i don't have the time!

as for Doing Many Things - i do many things all the time! recently i kept doing so many things every day i neglected to give myself a rest day for two weeks and you know what happened? i had to go home from school on a wednesday because i was too woozy to do anything at all. i had to go home and crash because if i don't pick a rest day my body will do it for me. and this makes sense right!!!! body needs rest! i hadn't rested! i can't just willpower myself into ignoring the needs of the meat machine!!

like i don't know. my mom thought starting T would give me an energy boost and maybe it should have. maybe it did. but i've got so much going on and i'm so overwhelmed and anxious everything just cancels out!!!

like next you're gonna tell me it's not normal to constantly feel like i need to drink water

[idkimnotreal]

i know that, up to a point, it makes sense that autistic people have to accommodate the world rather than have the entire world accommodate us, since we are a minority and having people accommodate us would require them to change virtually all of their habits.

but it gets me thinking at times. is this my life basically? until the end? my parents don't seem to have any empathy for the problems i go through, and they're the only people who should. my neighbor one floor up uses heavy footwear (not sure if high heels) for most of the day, or is otherwise applying all of their weight when they walk, so that i can hear all of their footsteps throughout the house whenever they walk. and they walk a lot.

i took that up with my parents. they mostly said that every apartment building has that kind of stuff. there's always one troublesome neighbor. it's part of life. my mom said we should observe some more before making any complaints. (i have been here for 2 months though, i'm pretty much at breaking point and have gone back to using earplugs most of the day, something i was happy to get rid of when i started living on my own)

and i myself am too socially anxious and executive dysfunction ridden to do anything about it other than maybe bang something on the ceiling, which is a crap way to express rage due to the fact that my mind automatically blocks all other options (talking to the neighbor or the condo manager) and so, unconsciously, shouting at the neighbor or something seems like the only choice. i know rationally it isn't, which is what keeps me from doing exactly that.

if i really ask, my parents will do something about it. but i feel bad when people do something because i want them to (i'd feel extra bad if i perceived any odd looks from the neighbor or the manager, like i'm some sort of spoiled manchild and my parents are doing my bidding for me; if it would look like that, at least i don't want it to be true, but if it were true i would feel bad about it), which is maybe something wrong with me and i don't know, so i wanted them to do it because they feel like it's the right thing instead. which, for the record, i don't know if it is, which is why i asked for their help in the first place.

and this whole situation makes me feel like this is why we have a much shorter than average life expectancy (autistic people), because of accumulated stress and its consequences. i know it's not the case for all autistic people, but for me it will be a contributing factor if i die younger than 80 (or whatever the expectancy when i die).

[unproduciblesmackdown]

speaking of metaphors to illustrate the autistic experience, The Setup: okay obviously thinking abt winston quant billions, my home base for [considering, discussing, exploring, conveying the autistic experience] as well as just a [i am always considering some shit] home base. spinning off of the idea "he can be clairvoyant for real b/c like, well he's right, he Is cassandra, not just b/c of the [always seeing the future] thing but b/c of what's usually more specifically applied to cassandra figures: being right but everyone is like 'NO b/c NOTHING you say can be right so SHUT UP already' as is also extremely applied to him whenever he 'says something' or possibly 'is physically present' or 'any other situation in which he can possibly Wrong people by their putting in the effort to acknowledge him to themself in any way'"

And So, Further Setup: other preternatural manifestations except they are all the more essentially Expressive, they Do require effort in the way that every possible process of being alive requires effort, but like other processes have the range of possibly being unconscious, involuntary, conscious & voluntary but so practiced that they can be done more absentmindedly / automatically, voluntary and "active" effort (but probably little to no Ability that's like, beyond the Expressive. everyone being telekinetic or anything is off track, this is more about the world of ppl being able to Communicate than other external applied processes they can carry out) like, e.g., tayston telepathy being more literal in addition to how they can deliberately, directly nonverbally communicate b/w themselves both effectively and efficiently, and how winston Gets things abt taylor when we don't know if/how anyone explained anything to him and which other ppl do Not get despite that we do know they're more involved in some plotline loop. imagining like any nonrealistic emotionally illustrative sensory cues that can here just be made literal. But:

yet more setup, talking heads' radio head style: what if these [a bonus layer of people Expressing Their Internal State atop realism] is, also, not Automatic to interpret or observe. manifesting in different ways for different people and maybe sometimes one's frequency happens to already be more aligned with certain people's, but to get a literal Clearer Signal to their bonus expressive sights or sounds or static charges making your arm hair stand up or what have you takes Effort no matter what. if you're on their wavelength, you'll get a faint picture / indicating that Something is there, maybe an impression that, through foreknowledge of that particular person's particular manifestations, is all the easier to get the gist of, but to tune in to it more fully takes effort, and the signal strength (sometimes) depends on their conscious effort too, but also it can be strong as hell while to everyone else nothing's happening if they're not tuned in, or there's some [barely anything] secondhand manifestation in another field that can be easily ignored or entirely overlooked too....but also: you can notice a signal and tune it Out so that you're not picking up on it At All, but this Also takes effort. but it's such a case of like, again a conscious voluntary process can seem more Effortless when it's something ppl have practiced such that it's Easy and just kind of their own automatic background process....whereas to go "well i guess i could try to pick up on your weird frequency" Is considered this "extra" effort to expend, and you can go like, well why don't you just get a more Normal one like 96 hz, or like if i'm not picking up on it with the ease i do other people's and i'm not recognizing and Understanding the material i'm picking up on that i sampled for 0.09 seconds then why is Your aired material inferior &/or absent, obviously (this radio thing is itself a metaphor lol at least in that, like, nobody's Physically turning dials. but Some Of Us Probably More Depending On Age / Exposure To Radio Tuning Dials Have Been There re: that the Precision of catching a weaker signal is a process requiring the effort of more time & focus, including possibly being willing to just Listen Closer to something that will come through less clearly than other signals even as best as you can land on it)

all this as specific leadup to: i was like, what if winston has mood ring bioluminescence. but what would give it flair vs like, for real just [pick a pattern and color/intensity correlates to mood sometimes] and i was like, neon displays would be a flair. can flicker and hum and vary in brightness or blow out and it can have some shapes or lines that abstractly convey some Feelings. and then i was like "lol but it can't just spell out Words like a neon sign does. or be an emoticon or something" but then i was like, the hell it can't. winston's tee being overwritten with an [I'M PISSED] kilowatt glow that others are autotuning out, or ignoring what faint / incomplete picture they're getting, flickery low brightness with letters unilluminated if there's not a stronger connection....while if you're Trying to tune in and you've Up To Date Active Learned the WNSN 89.5 language then you Do see the [they're just flat out Words b/c it's like when someone is internally yelling but externally quiet] like he Does get neon signs that just say some shit. you Can see the [vision of simultaneous alternate winston who is face to hands, head to desk, body prone to floor, surrounded by thunderclouds like in a comic, accompanied with high energy static, mood ring glowing neon purple curlicue lines which those in the know means distress] you Can be friends and experience a literal figurative warmth or cooling from proximity to him, whichever is more replenishing. whilest winston can hone and craft some of what he expresses if he has the "someone's trying to pick up on this" knowledge, and if he's not instead putting in Effort to suppress any of it, b/c that can also take that extra effort. ongoingly. masking style. and that's depleting / disheartening (also masking style)

i have tried to think of a similar "no he Could just have a neon sign light up" sensory experience that would also be fun & funny and my Just Now spontaneous inspiration was Hit A Pinball Machine Jackpot. fling your orb his way and it can ricochet around through him and you get Lights & [You Did It!] adequately unalarming alarm noises and your winston points get a nice boost. the bonus of another launched effort if yours sinks without having to give him 75 cents or what have you. how does the ricocheting work? well that is for winston to feel (it is high energy / noticeable internal interplay but not like Ow Ouch literal physical) but you will see the results (mood ring neon lightup You Did It) this isn't very serious it is Fun but it's like, take the fun thing and just follow it a ways and see what comes of that. i'm just pinballing ideas for kicks and this post is mostly to say "winston can be out here spelling it out in neon huh"

oh and further notes being: b/c this is a parallel to irl, including a framework of ableism, it's not like "wow at last an 'objective' direct externalization of anyone's internal experiences which is Universally Correctly Interpreted," and it's also not like it supplants the real life communication....like if emitting neon purple curlicues is, sometimes, even usually, associated with [distress] for winston, that wouldn't be universal. and someone could make assumptions about what it means, or infer a larger context based on further observations, but it's like, you'd have to ask to be more sure. and asking outright like "hey what do you mean by emitting neon purple curlicues" could be akin to asking outright "hey what do you mean by [description of a stim]" wherein like, that sure could get info, but it could be asked with an inherent negative assessment like oh you're never Supposed to Have to ask, like how oh smiling always means happy and frowns are bad (which isn't accurate) everyone knows that....your fidgeting or nonverbal vocalizations or repetition or what all should be so Normal that everyone of course Knows the associated experience and doesn't even have to think about it. whereas maybe someone doesn't notice they were [non neurotypically "invisible"] stimming at all, maybe they do it alone and haven't noticed it much themself to be ready to put it accurately into words, maybe they feel put on the spot by a question that could be more a rhetorical [issuing a judgment] than an earnest request for info

and b/c [parallel to ableism] there can't be like, oh good faith both sides is the same situation like "oh most people just genuinely Cannot pick up on winston's neon signs"....it's unilateral and a perspective/approach that can be dropped, being marginalized means needing to put in more effort and having more taken from you while at most your rewards are simply being targeted with Less negative treatment, being centered / marginalizing has its efforts streamlined and systemically supported while extracting gains from those beneath you and getting to dole out the negative treatment....rather than Conscious Effort being an inherent part of interpreting and navigating sharing a conversation or room or building or planet with anyone else, it's like, no, only Superiors with Power are Worth effort to work With them, your more vulnerable inferiors are only worth effort Against them, anyone trying to correctly appease a higher up should never ask anything of them and instead appeal with everything they can and will offer....winston can suddenly have the psychic aux with a soundtrack to his mood that everyone hears, rather than oh they just Can't, and it'd be like winston you don't deserve to have the aux, shut it off or we'll tune you out and/or turn on you to punish this insurrection of the social hierarchy. the way a mood Sounds could be misinterpreted, all we know is he knows Of metal genre lore, that's what plays when he's chilling in the zone or i don't know, having a particularly nice time, but anyone could be like hmm sounding chaotic and discordant and aggressive to me, like his mood is [arrogantly about to insurrect again by saying something], let's kill him: being an example

and, again, that [anything] here could be consciously suppressed or honed as it manifests, but that takes effort....as it might when it Is like, gee i'm having a hard time understanding some particular way you are expressing something / trying to take a nap so flickering neon glows during this chat wouldn't be it, do you have some alternate way of manifesting / conveying / enhancing / burning off this feeling? versus that people will ignore or misunderstanding without having to be that aware that they're ignoring or misunderstanding, and not actively work with anyone if need be like, b/c of some misalignment that's more genuinely this two-way street like doesn't work for the both of us as a specific combination right now...."umm interpreting people's vibes and demeanors and modes of expressing / communicating should take as little thought / effort / Learning as possible" No!!! also for example if i had comic strip weather mood illustrations, [rain cloud] would not be a bad mood lol. if i'm feeling down, realizing it's sunny makes it worse, i am wearied & dismayed by that, Rain and overcastness is like oh nice, that's chill & safe & cozy, to invigorating & restorative & exciting & watering my crops....that, again, if winston has something so "objective" as neon sign Words, it wouldn't be some like manifestation of his feelings being translated Outside of him. it'd have to be something like, he's yelling that in his internal monologue, or he's whispering it on purpose to someone else he knows is tuned in, who he Wants to communicate it to....whereas, on the flipside, if it's like someone saying "what's up with [implicit negative judgment on some stim or whatever other considered 'incorrectly' 'abnormal' behavior]," he could With Conscious Effort that is also more ongoing than [just flip the switch to off], suppress that from happening / do so around that one person &/or in general. while trying to tune in to and accurately(tm) parse any & everyone in general's own signals b/c [double empathy problem is all your fault] and having to try to actively give enough to be treated better and to try to actively avoid being treated worse

[vegaseatsass]

Just wanted to say that when you said you consider yourself "autism-adjacent" I felt kind of understood. I think I'm always between calling myself allistic or autistic or maybe just ND or something else. I don't know to which extent I mask or to which extent I am just faking autistic experiences, and while I love being in the autistic communities online (and having autistic friends to whom i will never ever breathe a word of my own doubts about my self dx), I do feel like an intruder so I never want to share my experiences or talk above someone else.

Oh anon, I'm so glad to hear that resonated for you even a little bit! This is a post that really helped me: https://vegaseatsass.tumblr.com/post/706935614630772736/tamlin-the-thing-is-you-dont-have-to-have-a so maybe it will help you too.

Like, there are huge issues when people with a mild version of an experience (whether that's like, an experience of oppression, a disability, anything else), or the most "relatable"/palatable-to-the-power-structure version of an identity (like autism), become the spokesperson for the entire group; I firmly believe it's worth staying mindful of that and actively working to center and amplify the most vulnerable and/or norms-challenging members of ANY community one is a part of.

But I think it starts to get really complex beyond that! I don't think sharing experiences is automatically talking above anyone else or taking up space or resources. If there are behaviors or traits, or strategies or accommodations, that fit an autism diagnosis, which it really helps you to identify with or apply to your own life, it is not imo hurting anybody else to incorporate those into your identity and approach to the world.

But I still feel so weird about doing it myself!!! I've been diagnosed with 7 or so different labels over the past 20 years, which leads to me feeling like I'm faking at all of them. My current dx (Non-Verbal Learning Disorder) has helped me the most in terms of strategies and accommodations, but I still feel like a faker because I don't fit all the different criteria, and the parts I do fit mostly feel mild (except for the executive dysfunction, which was so debilitating to me it's taken me decades to get to a place where I can feed myself or work - but this is hardly the only dx w/ executive dysfunction as a symptom!!!). Then even with NLD, there's like debate on if it's even a real??? learning disorder??? or if it's just a non-stigmatized name for a particular kind of autism??? or what, and it's just all incredibly confusing to me LOL.

What I've found the most useful is 1) identifying symptoms, and not worrying about connecting them to an umbrella term. Just focusing on managing the symptoms that are obstacles to the life I want to live, and on embracing/reframing the ones that are authentic/benign parts of who I am that don't need to be managed beyond pressure to seem "normal" 2) letting myself relate to anyone describing experiences that resonate for me, quietly and internally. Not running up to anyone sharing something personal I relate to and acting like we're the same, but just letting my own "I feel that too! I see myself in what you're saying!" response be a way I connect to the world while staying quiet/private about a lot of my own experiences, outside of therapy and a few really close, really safe friendships. Friendships where I know it will be validating to hear that I see myself in what's being described (and/or where we can communicate about the times when it's not) instead of risking invalidating or minimizing somebody else's experience.

I know there has to be a better way for people like you and I to express our authentic experiences without this level of second-guessing, and a way to create spaces where it doesn't feel like getting ourselves "wrong" comes with any risk for a community we care about, but I'm at least not there yet so it's easier for me to like, do more listening than talking for now, and also get really wrapped up in fiction where I can relate to whoever I want to however deeply I want to. Khun Sam 😍

I also strongly feel that the beauty of terms like neurodivergent is that, like "queer", you don't have to be able to lay out every detail about who you are for anyone else. You can have questions or some internal suspicions about who you are and how you work that connect you to a community/a sort of general scope of collective experiences, and figure out the specifics with time and care, including if/as those specifics change.

I HOPE THAT MADE SENSE, I am not the most clearheaded today at all but I really wanted to respond. Thanks for sending me this message and I so hope you start to feel like more of a beloved member of the communities you're in instead of an intruder.

[princess-in-exile]

Hi hello

I decided to start using this blog as a cyber diary.

Hopefully this won't devolve into some kind of a poem this time.

I think it was about the quality of the time that my last 2 writings on here ended up that way. I just unprivated the last one and it is extremely ironic that I had privated it bc I thought I was being too harsh and was doubting my intuition and couple months later everything unraveled excatly as I thought it would. If anything I actually wasn't being harsh enough. She is fully out of my life though thank god.

There is something to that though. The circular nature of my problems become sickening to me sometimes. Here is the most recent one that happened 3 times just last week and SO MANY MORE TIMES in my life.

I enter into friendships fully open fully honest fully giving -> I sense an off "vibe" as in the other person doesnt match me in some way -> at this point I don't have anything concrete to my intuition so I handwave it away but it stays at the back of my mind -> my intuition gets confirmed often by subtle or indirect actions -> since I've been sensing this all along I'm inclined to believe my intuitions at this point but especially if it is a nuisance to other people it becomes "oh dilara it's you being too sensitive" or worse like passive remarks that make me feel like I'm childish or difficult but I'm sure that is also "in my head" -> I get so headfucked bc I get stuck between trusting myself and other people's voices in my head making me doubt myself -> I remind myself of all the times my intuition has been correct (nearly 100% of the times btw unless I'm forgetting something) -> after endless confusion and mind fog I manage to decide to trust myself -> I openly take some kind of action to match the other person like maybe not invite them somewhere or not be so open with them whatever the off vibe was resulting from, if this is a many many time repeated offense only then I cut them off -> now I am not only delusional but also overreacting -> it's me, hi, I'm the villain it's me!

This is what's so difficult for me. I don't do passive agressive. I don't do subtle bad juju. If I sensed something and I'm bothered by it I will announce it to you that I am now matching that energy. The problem is the other person denies ever doing such a thing and now everyone is so convinced that I'm reacting to "nothing" it is maddening. But if I was matching them in the same indirect passive or subtle way they were transmitting that energy or in some cases even outright lie about not doing/saying the things they did/said I would not be the villain. I don't like playing those games it is exhausting and I'm autistic. I wish I was fully steretypical autistic that also couldn't read these vibes but I read them too well.

Hyperempathy is a complex trauma response but people don't talk about that often enough. As a child I was dependant on reading these vibes correctly and pleasing the people around me so now I'm freakishly good at it. I don't know why this was my chosen coping method but I know it is SO DIFFICULT to get rid of. I people please so automatically that I disrespect my own damn self all the time. Defending my worth, my happiness, my boundaries already feel inherently wrong to me. I had to teach myself how to do these things and have to hype myself up just to be able to do it even now.

What pisses me off the most is that noone ever makes me second guess myself about my freakishly good vibe intuition when I'm using it to please them. Everyone loves talking to me, coming to me with their problems, they say I make them feel understood, that I say the right things whatever. But when I use that same intuition to sense someone not liking me that much or subtly trying to harm me or whatever then alll of a sudden it is all in my head. Then I am a nuisance for knowing my worth. A nuisance for enforcing boundaries. A nuisance for standing up for myself. A nuisance for matching their energies in the only way I know how to do.

I'm sorry for not being sophisticatedly passive aggresive. I hate doing that and even when I do try being passive aggresive it is so obvious that it's barely passive anyway. I'm doomed to be labeled the villain it seems. Now I know villain is a dramatic word to use but that's the essence of it. This didn't happen to me one time it happened MANY MANY times and it was always on a spectrum from "nuisance" to "wrong" to "outright evil" or even "bully". Everyone is always extremely convinced I am the perpetrator to some degree. And then when I confront them sometimes there is the gaslighting about gaslighting which I extremely LOVE. "that's not what I think" "that's not what I said". Wow EVERYTHING is just in my head isn't that crazy! Mindfuck galore!

I'm so tired of people I often fantasize about moving to a cabin where it's just me and animals and plants. This is not an option. I tried. I really really really tried. I had no socializing for several several years and yes it was blissful in some ways but also I've gotten so isolated that it was more "mountain troll" and less "cabin". In some ways I began to live entirely inside my head. I had to give up countless things because it required help from other people to be able to do them. Everything was harder for me because I had just 0 social circle to rely on about anything. It was just hard. But I don't regret it. It was still better than being hurt, confused, misunderstood, heartbroken all the time. It was solitude not loneliness. But now I'm at a point in my life where I'm like why?? Why should I be punished? Why can't I have no support because people are fucked up? I don't fucking deserve it. There has to be another way.

I tried to respond by protecting myself from people instead of verbalizing my intuition or taking matching action for a while. The problem was I was only half-commited to this. Because protecting myself is HARD first of all. I'm naturally so open and so giving and all that it needs complete restructuring of WHO I AM around people. Second is because in a way it felt WRONG to be that way. I don't wanna be sneaky and suspicious and calculated. I wanna believe in the good of the people. Do they think I enjoy intuiting these off vibes???? I try SO HARD not to see them. I question myself endlessly to see if it's me perceiving it wrongly or whatever. Like I'm not just assuming these things at the first sight of offness. Which honestly I don't even think I would be wrong much even if I did do that but I don't because I DON'T WANT TO THINK SOMETHING'S OFF. Oh god. It is NOT FUN.

Third and maybe the most hard to break out of reason is because it feels pointless. Like why should I be friends with people that I need to protect myself from? What's the point in being friends with someone if I can't be myself? This is so valid that I find it hard to argue against it even now. But I also can't afford to half commit anymore. I'm desperate to find a way out of this.

What people endlessly don't understand about me is that most people protect themselves intuitively and automatically. I am the opposite I show my vulnerable soft belly to literally anyone. And I'm sensitive. Not because they can do any tangible harm to me but because I get heartbroken when I see people being that way to me. I get so shocked, disappointed and hurt even if it's something small it fucking GETS TO ME. I think it's also because I assume everyone is like me automatically even though OBVIOUSLY THEYRE NOT like I should really really really know this is not the case by now. Idk if it's an autistic a lack of theory of mind or whatever but I still fall into this pitfall SO EASILY like without even noticing that I'm doing it. I inadvertantly expect everyone to be like me, to have the same intentions and values and characteristics as me when LITERALLY NOONE IS AND NOONE DOES.

So what I'm trying to get at is that most people don't need to put in any big effort to protect themselves from their friend's flaws because 1) they're automatically guarded and only open up when they trust people, 2) small stuff like off vibes doesn't affect them that much when it can be devastating for me. One of the first people (I guess "friend") I decided to try protecting myself from instead of cutting off ended in total disaster. I tried it with him mainly because he is a common friend with so many of my friends and I did cut him off recently and that kickstarted the drama I was talking about at the beginning but whatever I'll get to that. Ironically he always says to me "you're so strong noone can hurt you why are you cutting people off because you're afraid they will hurt you it's ridiculous"

MAN OH MAN OH MAN DOES THAT SENTENCE MAKE ME FURIOUS. You absolute @*=$½$ what the fuck do you even know ? I went through the worst heartbreaks and pains of my life because of "friends". There is not a single romantic break up I've had that hurt me as much as a friend break up did. Like how dare you even assume this about me??? My life is full of invisible struggles that don't make sense to anyone else. That is the life of a "functional" autist but instead of trying to listen and understand my struggles people usually just invalidate me because "it doesn't make sense" to them. Because I'm a nuisance and I'm only making these things up because I'm a spoiled brat didn't you know?

I literally dedicated 32 years of my life to not be able to eat ANY cooked vegetable of any kind because that's just how commited I am to being a brat. Not because I'm autistic and I have ARFID or whatever explanation no. That just doesn't make sense to them because they can eat vegetables just fine! People have no idea how exhausting it is to have these constantly invalidated often invisible struggles. Never being believed let alone having support to deal with it. Growing up doubting yourself. Thinking you're spoiled and lazy and that's the only reason you're struggling sweaty! I hurt myself and nearly killed myself from trying too hard many many times in my life. Do you even know? You embecile. It took me 28 years just to figure out that the problems I was having in life wasn't stemming from "not trying hard enough". I just had struggles noone validated and I had to work around them and do things my way and I had NO HELP figuring out any of that. No professional to validate my self-diagnosis either which is invalidating in itself if I wasn't in enough of a mindfuck. This is why I can't afford to doubt myself anymore. It maimed me it almost killed me to doubt myself. Now you're sitting right across me smug as fuck telling me to rawdog friendship because I have nothing to be afraid of? FUCK ALL THE WAY OFF.

I'm not done with the things I want to say but it's almost 6 am and I need to sleep so I'll do a part 2 or even maybe more to this because I have so much I need to untangle to clear my mind about this and iron out my next course of action. Doubt anyone read this chaotic mess of a post but if you did ILY good night.

[thelastspeecher]

Hi! So like five months ago I sent you an ask about applying to grad school and you gave me a super amazing answer. And I'm back now because holy shit I got into grad school (CalArts for Creative Writing) and in the last one you said there was a whole 'nothing list of tips if you actually get into grad school? And I got in and I'm curious what the tips are? If there's anything you've learned in the last few months that changed your perspective on grad school? Thank you so much!

First off, congrats!  That’s a big accomplishment!  Grad schools in general are competitive, and big names like CalArts even more so.

So, you want my advice, eh?  Okay.  Let’s do this.

First step is getting organized.  You start in the fall (I’m assuming), so you have plenty of time.  Find out where important locations are on campus, familiarize yourself with the area you’ll be spending most of your time in (I’d focus on figuring out where the closest bathrooms and places to get food are, personally), and invest in a planner.  Keep that planner handy.  Use it.  It’s easier to stay organized if you start the semester that way than it is to try to organize yourself halfway through the semester.  Make a monthly budget.  Decide “I will spend X amount on groceries every time I go shopping”.  Keep track of the money in your bank account (a lot of banks have mobile apps that make this very easy).  Put some of your paycheck into a savings account every time.  You never know when you might need a nest egg.  Stay up to date on your medical needs (prescriptions, flu shots [for the love of god, get a flu shot], dentist appointments, yearly physicals).  You can definitely find resources at your school to help you with some of these tasks.  There is no doubt in my mind that you will be able to find a workshop on keeping a budget or other adult skills.  Attend workshops for new grad students.

Second, look into different support systems for students.  That means student-led organizations, departments that exist to keep the university complying with federal non-discrimination laws, and general resources.  Get a support system set up right away, particularly if you are going to be far from family.

Student-led organizations will be able to help you adjust and provide you a sense of community (particularly if you belong to a minority community).  Other grad students will be able to offer advice faculty or staff might not be able to.  Don’t isolate yourself!  That’s what I’ve been doing and it sucks!  The only reason I haven’t driven myself completely insane is because I have a roommate who happens to be my best friend.  If I could start over, I wouldn’t do what I did and avoid everyone because I was intimidated.  I would stroll into rooms with purpose and confidence that I am the baddest b*tch there.  Confidence gets you far in life, particularly in grad school.

“Departments that exist to keep the university complying with federal non-discrimination laws” is a very wordy way of saying the Title IX office, disability services, offices for students of color (schools typically have different offices for different racial minorities; find out which one is best suited for you), the LGBT resource center, and the like.  If you are part of a demographic minority, find out where you can locate help immediately.  If something goes wrong related to your status as a minority, you need to nip it in the bud RIGHT AWAY.

General resources are things like mental health services, university health services, survivor services, etc etc.  If you have any history of mental health issues or have been in therapy at any point in your life, I recommend jumping into counseling immediately, even if you feel like you don’t need it.  Just talking to a neutral party will help you more than you think.  Most schools offer free counseling for students, too.  If they don’t, then that’s really fucking weird, but they should be able to help you figure out a method for you to adjust smoothly without it being too much of a drain on your wallet.

Third, learn from my mistakes.  Good lord, learn from my mistakes.  I had a disastrous first semester at grad school.  I was overwhelmed, completely out of my depth, and the one thing I thought I was doing right I discovered I was actually completely fucking up.  I entered my second semester on academic probation and probation as a TA.  How do you learn from my mistakes?  A few ways.

The first time you TA (most grad students TA at some point), insist on someone observing you.  The department should automatically observe all TAs, particularly new ones, but it’s possible to slip through the cracks.  That happened to me.  The head TA was too busy to observe TAs my first semester, and I didn’t find out that I was a shitty TA until I was in a meeting with department and university head honchos, who were effectively accusing me of hating my students and hating being a TA and sucking in general.  That’s paraphrasing, and definitely not completely accurate, but that’s how the meeting felt to me.  I got by only because I explained to them “I am autistic, I struggle with new social situations”.  The extenuating circumstances in my situation allowed me to try to TA again, but this time with some accommodations and outside assistance.

Related: If you are disabled, disclose it to the department.  Disclose it to the higher-ups and the professor who will act as your advisor.  You don’t need to disclose it to anyone else, but I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to tell the people you will be working for.  Even if you have amazing coping skills, disclose it.  I’m damn good at pretending to be abled.  But my disabilities still bit me in the ass.  New situations and stress have a tendency of exacerbating symptoms.  You can’t expect everything to go smoothly.  And you can’t expect the department to hold your hand or even recognize what’s going on with you.  I’m the first diagnosed autistic grad student my department has ever had.  They had no clue how to handle that.  You’ll be going into a field that tends to be a bit more liberal than STEM (like my area of study), so you might not run into the issue of “uh we don’t know how to help you, please talk to some people at the office of equity”, but it’s best to find out sooner rather than later.

Related: If you are disabled, get your ass down to the disability services office and get accommodations.  Immediately.  Start the process over the summer.  Larger schools might have a more complicated process to get accommodations than smaller schools, so you need to get the ball rolling right away.  Even if you haven’t felt like you needed accommodations recently, get the ones you had in the past.  Don’t assume you’ll be fine without extra help.

Don’t take too many classes your first semester.  And make sure the ones you do take aren’t all super difficult.  I fucked up my first semester, bc I took three upper-level classes, two of them in chemistry.  Yeah, three doesn’t sound like much.  But when you’re juggling adjusting to grad school, starting up your thesis, and being a TA, three classes is a huge fucking amount of work.  I’d recommend two classes, maybe one of them difficult, the other one sort of medium difficulty.  Of course, you have to talk to your advisor for what works best for you, but I highly HIGHLY recommend starting off with a light class load your first semester.

When things start going south, bc they probably will at some point, don’t just keep your head down and try to force yourself through it.  Talk to the family members you are closest to (I’m very close with my parents, so I talk to them when I’m having issues, but it could be a sibling or an aunt or uncle or cousin).  Talk to friends.  Talk to a counselor (PLEASE get a counselor your first semester).  Talk to your advisor.  Talk to the other grad students in your department.  You should be able to find at least one shoulder to cry on, if not a whole bunch.

I said this before, but don’t isolate yourself.  Please don’t.  It’s easy to avoid people when you’re stressed.  Don’t do that.  Reach out to other grad students in your department.  Make friends.  Go with them to coffee shops.  I wouldn’t recommend starting out by going to bars, bc that can be a slippery slope, and you shouldn’t have friends who only have fun while they’re drinking (that’s not a healthy behavior).   My grad school has a really nasty drinking culture that contributed to my avoidance of other grad students, but hopefully yours doesn’t.  And even if it does, you should be able to find someone who won’t want to always go to the bar.

Fourth, be confident.  I said that before, but like the “don’t isolate” thing, it’s important.  I’ve always been a confident person.  I took a huge blow to my confidence when I started grad school, bc I felt like I was surrounded by people with more experience (which is an objective fact, but doesn’t always have to be a bad thing) and more knowledge and more accomplishments and who had their lives together.  I was intimidated, for one of the first times in my life!  I’ve always been a top-tier person, cream of the crop, A+ honors student, go-getter, award-winner.  But in grad school, literally everyone else is that, too.  And that’s not a bad thing!  Sure, some people might be braggy, but other people will be more humble.  Having all this experience in one location is good, bc it means you have more help.  You have people you can talk to who have connections, who have run into problems you might run into, who can offer a unique perspective on things.  That is SO GOOD.  And if you’re still intimidated, think of it like this: You got there, too.  You’re just as good as the other grad students, otherwise you wouldn’t be there.  You have just as much potential, even if you don’t have as much life experience.  You have something unique to offer to the school.  If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have been accepted.  And it’s not like everyone else actually has it together.  Some people might, but most of the other students will be as lost and nervous as you (esp other first year students).

Fifth, toot your own horn.  It’s related to being confident, but not quite the same.  Talk about your accomplishments.  Tell people what you’ve done.  Try not to come off too braggy, but don’t hide your light under a bushel.  You have to promote yourself if you want to get anywhere.  You’ve already succeeded at it once, since you got into grad school.  Keep it up!  Oh, and don’t be afraid to toot your own horn when someone else is making you feel intimidated.  I was at a thing where one guy kept going on and on about how he’d been to this country, and that country, and tried this wine and that food and yadda yadda yadda.  I got sick of it, so I cocked my head and stopped him in his tracks by asking him if he’d ever been to Kosovo.  He hadn’t.  He’d been to a million places, but there was one that I had him beaten on.  That was a huge confidence booster.  You have your unique experiences.  Share them.  And don’t be afraid to use them to stop a braggart from controlling a conversation.

Sixth, stay healthy.  Mentally and physically.  Walk most places (that’s how I get my exercise), bike, do yoga, jog, whatever.  Get some exercise.  Eat well.  Make your own meals, keep track of whether you’ve had a vegetable today.  See a counselor, vent to friends, write in a journal.  Most schools offer wellness workshops where students can learn how to keep themselves healthy.  Look into that, particularly if you struggle to eat well or keep stress down.

Seventh, take a short break if you need to.  Grad school culture is intense.  People work way too long for way too little recognition.  Stress kills.  Burn out can make you question your path.  Say no to a third side project your advisor wants you to do.  Take a day off, or an afternoon.  Take a long weekend.  Make sure that things won’t fall apart while you’re gone (in my case, I would get lab work done the day before), let your advisor know you won’t be coming in today for health reasons (you can keep it vague), and then spend your day doing anything but work on your thesis.  Don’t give in to stress and burn out.  It will wreck you.

Eighth, enjoy yourself!  Grad school can be hell, but it can also be fun!  You’re here to learn and gain experience and, hopefully, not hate every second of it.  My own grad school experience has been roughly 92% hell and 8% fun, but I wasn’t prepared when I came.  I did the opposite of hit the ground running.  I tripped and skinned my knees and my face and I’m still trying to catch up with everyone else.  Being prepared, reaching out to people who can help you adjust, those things will ensure your grad school experience goes more smoothly than mine.  Just don’t expect everything to go perfectly right off the bat.  It’ll take some time before you feel like you truly can enjoy yourself.

…That ended on a weird note, but I hope it was helpful.

You’ve got this!  Best of luck!