#maybe I’ll finally make my cmv who knows

[whosthere54]

As I watch the cmv again I hope you know I’m going to be abnormal about this for at-least… 2 months

[ghostnoms]

For the ship ask: ereri, of course 😎

hehe i been waiting for this one >:)

1.) what made you ship it?

well, i definitely came into snk knowing of ereri and that it was a popular ship. when i first started watching i was like ??? why is this a ship?? but then... the little things, man. levi’s face after eren confesses in the dungeon. eren’s obvious hero worship. levi asking eren if he hated him. the budding trust as eren joins levi’s squad. then, just how the two of them seemed to understand each other so well. levi’s instinct to protect eren. the way they just seemed to fit together like puzzle pieces. by the time i finished the first season, i was in wayyyy too deep to get out lmao

also i started reading a lot of fics/watching cmvs and amvcs halfway through the anime and i said hold on.... this shit be hitting different. their dynamic will always be my favorite thing. a little grumpy sourpuss with a soft spot for the raging ball of hormones and anger? just fuck me up, dude.

2.) what are your favorite things about the ship?

OHH boy. so, so, SO many things. like i couldn’t even possibly write them all down. i’ll just do my best and try to keep it short hbdjsnc.

okay, so. the parallelisms. the way they just seem to be two sides of the same damn coin. isayama was really quite genius in his creation of these characters. i feel like he really knew what he was doing, making them so similar. the way their pasts coincide, their goals in the war (this is shown in the same episode! “i will eradicate all the titans,” levi says it at the beginning and eren says it at the end. to levi. beautiful, gorgeous, poetic cinema 😩) their core beliefs about freedom and choice, the way they view the world.... i could go on.

on the subject of their character, the first thing i fell in love with was how they SEEM so different, but in the end are so similar. while levi may seem like a jaded, apathetic older man, and eren a passionate, fiery new recruit, when you peel back the layers they both share some very core beliefs. they have an intense hatred for titans, are fiercely loyal, and have a deep love and desire for freedom.

they bring out the best in each other. i previously said they fit together like pieces of a puzzle, and this is one of the biggest reasons why. they are undeniable each other’s pillars of strength. levi is always there to provide eren with guidance, reason, and is a very grounding presence for the eren. when no one else seems able to reach eren, levi always manages to bring him back to reality, lend him strength and courage, and give him the tools necessary to fight his own battles. eren trusts levi so much for this specific reason, and leans on him in a very special way that i feel is very unique to their relationship. now, on to levi. eren is undeniably levi’s beacon of hope. for so many years levi has fought on in a seeminly hopeless situation, his eyes on the horizon and never looking back. but in comes eren, in a blaze of rage and passion, and levi finally feels something. hope. hope for freedom, for a life beyond the walls. he sees himself in eren. a boy who sees the world in black and white, with an unwavering determination and force of will, a “monster” (to quote the vn hehe) that can and will never be tamed. while eren possesses such a fiery will, though, levi sees the broken and confused boy underneath. he acknowledges this part of him that so few others see, and communicates with him. they learn from each other, levi learns through his relationship with eren how to better communicate, how to be a better friend, soldier, leader, and man. levi’s world, so long plunged in darkness, finally starts to change. a light begins to illuminate path forward. he sees where he’s going now, thanks to eren. and eren has a better understanding of the world, of himself, and of the relationships he has with his comrades, thanks to levi. he has someone to lean on. ok i have to force myself to stop on this point now but honey, i could go on for DAYS.

okay last one i promise. this one was just honestly my first impression of the ship, and i just loved it so much i had to include it. kind of an old take by now, but whatever. they’re literally the wings of freedom. levi is humanity’s strongest soldier, and eren is humanity’s hope. (again, two sides of the same coin bitch!!!!). when eren first sees levi, its in the haze of battle, the wings of freedom flowing on levi’s back as eren opens his eyes for the first time. when levi first “sees” eren, its in that cold, dark dungeon, his eyes blazing with a fire levi believed had so long been extinguished within himself. levi chooses to become eren’s guardian because of this, and eren accepts levi despite all his quirks and flaws, all because of the trust and understanding that is so integral to their relationship. i believe these two souls were destined to meet, and will continue finding and loving each other in any other future lives they lead.

3.) Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

this got mushy and long really fast so i’ll try to wrap it up quickly lol. honestly, i don’t think so? the fandom and ship is so old and has evolved so much over the years that i feel any “hot take” or unpopular opinion i may have is old news by now. uhh, i guess maybe i think levi would be more submissive? i feel like he’d crave that sensation of relinquishing control to that one special person that he KNOWs he would be in good hands with. which is eren lol. also, i feel like levi isn’t as old as people make him out to be. since his age in unconfirmed in the manga, i’ve never seen him as older than 30 when the anime starts out. i think he was around 20 in acwnr, so there isn’t a bigger than 10 year age difference between him and eren. idk i think thats it lol.

thank you so much for the ask! i had a lot of fun rambling on about my two favorite dorks lmao :) i appreciate it. sorry this is so long!

[lumiolivier]

Life Update of 2020 (Don’t Worry.  Just the Good-Good)

It’s been a while since we last spoke, huh, Tumblr?  I don’t pay you nearly as much attention as what I should, but I’m scattered all over cyberspace.  I show up in the most unexpected places.  But what the alternate title of this is:

Lumi’s Post of Shameless Self Promotion (Because What Else is a Blog Good For?)

So, what have I been up to, you may be asking yourself?  Or maybe you’re not asking that question and you’re telling me to fuck off.  Well, if that’s the case, then fuck you, too.  So, hail Satan and have a lovely afternoon madam.

But if you are curious, here we are.  Let’s do this in sections.  That way, if you could give two shits less about something else I do, then, you can skip to the good bits, yeah? Or whatever it is you follow me for, K? Let’s get into it then.

1.)  Fan Fiction:

So, in my last master post update, I hadn’t started posting Castlevania yet.  It just recently came to an end last week, so...Brief synopsis and link in three...two...one!

Last of the Belmonts

Eden had lost her mother. The only family she thought she'd ever have. Her father couldn't be farther at the bottom of the barrel in her eyes. Her mother would be the only one who would accept her dhampir nature. That is until she finally starts to explore the other half of her blood, her vampiric half, courtesy of a certain girl gang of full-blooded vampires. However, despite that, she's still half human. Which half will rule her head and her heart?

Just a heads up.  If you do read Last of the Belmonts (which I highly recommend.  I loved this story so much and I’m so sad to see it go.), there are slight mentions of rape, but they’re far and few in between.  Eden, the MC, is a dhampir.  And for those who don’t know, dhampirs are a human/vampire hybrid.  She wasn’t one of the lucky ones who came into this world by consensual means.  Most of them aren’t.  But before you ask, NO.  SHE IS NOT DRACULA’S DAUGHTER.  We find out just who she is throughout the story.  But it’s got a little bit of everything in it.  It’s got Trevor and Alucard sassing each other.  It’s got Sypha trying to mediate between them.  It’s got a MC that’s got a chip on her shoulder.  I like to call it an alternative season three.  Like, the story opens up in Braila after Carmilla’s raid, so...I’m not going to give too much for spoilers here.  Just...Read the damn thing if you’re that curious.  And I’ve been getting asked about a sequel, but I’m not quite sold on it yet.  

But Castlevania isn’t the only fandom I’ve dipped my toe in as far as fic goes.  Because...It’s been three years since I last wrote for Death Note and I got a friendly reminder of how big of Death Note trash I was when I fell down a fanart rabbit hole one night and thought, I need to jump back into writing Death Note fic.  It’s that kind of a year.  What the hell?  Why not?  And because I was feeling particularly thirsty, I decided I’d write my first Lawlight fic.  Which...Again, same as I did for Last of the Belmonts, synopsis and link!  BAM!

The Sweet Taste of Silver

Email after email...It only made Light sicker to look at them. Final notice. Past due. Expulsion threats. He knew going to one of the best schools in the country would be pricey, but that's what his scholarships were for, right? At least until they start running out. At least he'll have his internship...And his new employer.

Yeah.  It’s what you think.  It’s a sugar baby AU.  We all know Light’s a sugar baby waiting to happen and it’s an underappreciated AU on Ao3, so I figured I’d add to the rich tapestry it is.  But this is still ongoing.  It gets updates every Tuesday.  This story has been my new lightning in a bottle.  It’s gotten a lot of traction on Ao3 and you are definitely more than welcome to it.  I never thought I’d get so into writing angsty gays like I did with L and Light, but holy hell.  It’s so much fun...Why did no one tell me this would be fun?  I don’t know why I needed a sugar baby Death Note fic, but dammit, here we are.

Amongst all that mess, I’ve posted a SHIT TON of Mystic Messenger oneshots (even got my first commission because of those oneshots!).  They’re all on Ao3.  There’s probably 11 or 12 of them, so I’m not going to post the whole list here.  Just go to my Ao3 account.  You’ll see them there.  But since we’re on the subject of MysMes fics I’ve written over the years, I started doing a rewrite of Man’s Best Intern, too!  I mean, the story premise is still the same, but it’s had some tweaks here and there.  And that’s damn near catching up to the Sweet Taste of Silver.  My babies are all growing up so fast.  I’m so proud of them...But the Man’s Best Intern rewrite is going up on Ao3 every Wednesday and Friday.

And the last fic I’m going to throw out here is For the Family.  Now, for those of you who remember, last year, I posted a story called Switch about a little girl that grew up in New York mafia falling in love with a sweet, yet salty yakuza boy and getting tangled up with the Ouran Host Club.  Well, it got a sequel.  Again.  Link and synopsis, ho!

For the Family

One year. That's all it took for Rei's heart to find home in another city. But it wasn't necessarily the city that captured her heart. it was the cute yakuza boy that bumped into her in the hallway. And thought she was a dude. Anyone else would've been afraid of someone with that kind of power...but not everyone had that same power. Now that another summer has passed, Rei and Ritsu were ready to go back to Ouran to take on their mutual frenemies: The Ouran Host Club

I couldn’t stay away from them for long.  They were too cute.  I loved Rei and Ritsu’s dynamic and they’ve only gotten worse.  At the time I’m posting this, For the Family is ongoing, too.  It goes up on Thursdays and I love this one so much.  It’s been a roller coaster already and it hasn’t even gotten to the middle bit yet.  This coming week’s chapter may or may not be a shit show.

I know I said that I’d be done with my fan fiction bullshit after my pitch of For the Family, but I also kind of have something cooking up.  I’ve been working on a project that’s been completely handwritten for Hetalia that includes both the 1p! and 2p! characters, centered around an OC.  I’ve been debating on whether or not to post that one online.  Because it’s been mostly me writing it for me to unwind at night.  It’s what I’ve spent my last half hour of my day working on and it’s put me in such a good place.  Which is weird because the MC spends a lot of time with 2p!France and he’s kind of an asshole. I don’t know.  I’ll think about it.

2.)  New Schedule Changes?  Instagram?  Whaaaat?

I know.  That sounds like it still pertains to my fan fiction here.  It does not!  On my Instagram for the last few weeks, I’ve been doing livestreams on Friday nights.  It’s mostly just me sitting down and bullshitting with a camera, but it’s been some great fun!  For the first one, I made curry.  For the second one, I was working on a bullet journal spread.  They’re all just very chill livestreams with a little hint of chaotic.  My last post before this one?  That was from last week’s stream when we were talking about different CMV projects I’d love to make, but I don’t have the bodies to make them.  As mellow as they are, they’re also a lot of fun.  So, if you’re looking for something to do with your Friday night and feel like hanging out with me, come hang out with me.  My IG handle is LumiOlivier.  You’re more than welcome to come sit and hang out.  If my streams keep going they way they’ve been, maybe I’ll start doing more with them.  Maybe I’ll bring them to YouTube.  Maybe I’ll do something silly like do them more than once a week.  

But that’s pretty much it.  I’ve been, like most of you, shut up in my house for the last six months as much as possible.  This year might be shit, but there’s been some pretty neat shit happening.  And hopefully, it’ll be more of an upswing for the rest of it.  So, I’m going to go because I have a chapter I need to do for Wednesday tonight and an outline to do.  K, love you, bye! 

[hikarimitsuko]

Middle of the night thoughts

What I realized was...it’s not my nickname that made me feel this bad... Actually it does make me feel bad...BUT not as much as getting rid of it...So perhaps my name will change some day...or maybe not. I’m indeed sad and affected by the fact that I deleted my instagram after 4 years of working hard on building an audience...but said audience of 12k people were ghosts and mainly inactive towards anything I post. Not to whine...nothing like that, the world doesn’t owe me anything...but I do not like wasting my time or speaking in the void. I do feel bad about the fact that some of my followers were following me and encouraging me since the very start and I will definitely be nostalgic for that part and for those amazing people. Hopefully they’ll find me elsewhere.

I’ve been realizing since about a year ago that whatever I tried, to change my style, to cosplay new things, to post some art, to join new networks that would touch more people who could be interested in what I do, I realized that in the end...it’s internet people. They are not friends, never will be. I’m realistic, people follow/followed me for Levi. And anytime I’d try to do something else as well, the difference in interaction was beyond bearable. Now I never wanted to stop cosplaying Levi, but this sort of situation sort of pushed me away from him. The last few times I’ve been him, I had absolutely no fun doing him. 

I think also the cosplay community has changed alot in 4 years. Not only that but there is alot of SJWs now and it’s making the community toxic... Cosplay used to be fun. I will still be doing it on my own but low profile. I will post my pics as posts but if anyone wants to see all my pics they will have to go to my fb page as this is more of a closed space where I can easily deal with toxic people and don’t really care as much if it produces absolutely no reaction.

Some will say...oh she’s still in depression. Well no, actually I’ve been off antidepressants for two weeks... and withdrawal is very bad, like VERY VERY BAD, but I know I can make it. I know I can feel good and happy once I work on things that don’t make me happy anymore.  I always said: when cosplay will stop making me happy, I will stop.

It’s not really the case. I love cosplaying...but I just don’t like to do it for an audience anymore. Especially an audience that is 80% ghosts. Sometimes I wonder what steps I took that were wrong or what I could’ve done differently. Of course you compare yourself as a cosplayer and sometimes seeing people who would put about the same effort as you and started waaaay after you did or even some people who didn’t put any effort at all get so much feedback on their stuff while I was sitting there wondering if what I did was worth sharing or not. Guess insecurity, anxiety and need for validation do that, but I won’t excuse myself for being how I am.

I stopped being excited about sharing photos (photography is one of my main passions so that’s very bad)... And I started feeling like conventions didn’t give me that feeling they used to. It started feeling fake and forced and...it started feeling like a competition all the time. Without even noticing I started comparing myself and finding flaws after flaws in my things...so much that I began to hate most of my cosplays.

As you know, all of this is expensive, it’s expensive to maintain and I tried really hard to keep it going because god knows I love to cosplay...I tried ko-fi, I tried patreon, I tried commissions, I tried tutorials, I tried plenty of things...but it simply didn’t work. I know some people go ebegging all the time but frankly it gets on my nerves so I never intended on making people access my stuff for a price. I always loved seeing people smile and appreciate what I do. A simple thumbs up would make my day, but all these were gone after a while... While my wallet was getting emptier as I kept on going.

I’ll always love cosplay...but I’ll keep it for me. I’ll do it for me. I’ve been cleaning up the 40k pics I have of cosplays. And you know what? I know I did a good job. That’s all that matters. I don’t need anyone’s input on that because most of them are just pixels on a screen looking for easy and free entertainment (which is fine), but I expected too much. I didn’t want people to lurk, I wanted people to interact.  In the past few days I needed help, still do but I’m done asking for any so don’t bother... And out of the approximate 18k persons following me around all social networks i’m in...do you know who helped me? 3 people.

@kozumesenpaii My closest friend. 

@angelica200555 One of my most faithful followers since a long long LONG time ago and an angel

And another person who just started following me.

I know...I know that the world owes me nothing. But you’d think after 4 years of doing this...someone would care enough to offer a 3$ ko-fi. But no.

It’s fine, it’s totally fine I’m not mad (anymore cause i have to admit I was mad when I was panicking about not getting a fucking paycheck this week)... But it did make me realize that....like Max says...it’s only internet people, they don’t care.

It makes way more sense now. And I’ve accepted that. I’m in peace with it. Yesterday was a revelation. I guess I needed something to kick my ass to actually finally make a move. Deleting my instagram made me sad...and once I saw ‘’permanently deleted’’ appear... I immediately cried for 15 minutes.... It took me so long to build this. I’ve loved this so much. But I’ve loved a dream, I’ve loved a bubble and it’s been burst for a while.

Now I will love it differently. I will love cosplay/anime/art and whatever else only for me. I will post but only if I want to.

I will maybe write more fanfics or one shots if I feel like it... I do feel confident about my writing in fanfics but I don’t want to go around parading and promoting the shit out of it. They’re little hidden AO3 treasures that ereri and klance fans might stumble upon and fall in love with.

I will not censure myself either for the sake of having ‘’followers’’ that might not like what I do... I’m done living for people. I’m still not sure about name changing my stuff because my youtube and facebook pages are still under hikarimitsuko and I am keeping these so don’t you worry about that. I re-changed my tumblr and twitter back to hikari but if it makes me feel bad, i’ll just find something else later on. I changed my twitch username without noticing u have to wait 60 days to change it again so if you are looking for hikarimitsuko on twitch...it’s actually ephemere87...for the next 60 days...lol...I’ll probably change it back to hika.

SO hum I guess I wanna say thank you to those who followed me so long and kept believing in me even when I was deep in depression. I know it wasn’t always easy to read my posts because I have very negative phases towards myself...but I try to stay away as much as possible when it happens. Thanks to those who cared no matter what. Thanks to those who get genuinely worried about me. My final request would be : IF YOU ARE A GHOST FOLLOWER, PLEASE, unfollow me.

PS: For future references, I will be posting videos of ALL my cosplays on youtube eventually as compilations. Pretty sure Levi’s will last half an hour or longer lol...But anyways... I keep my youtube too for CMVs and such if the inspiration strikes.

Plan - without timeline:

-Deadpool and spidey skit (with max) - youtube

-Costest of Viktor Nikiforov (gotta style the wig) - on here and facebook

-Cosplay Keith Kogane (when I feel like it) - on here and facebook.

Thank you for these 4 years! It’s not over.

[canisbaileyilupus]

You know what I miss?

My SPN family. I miss the fanfic sharing. I miss scrolling through tags reading adorable fanfics about Destiel and Cockles. I miss the support for others when shit went down in December 2014. I miss the fan art and the amount of love and sharing people did for others work. I miss the protection we had for those who created fan art when others would steal and repost that artwork. I miss all of that shit.

I miss the KevEdd fandom. I miss going through the tag and seeing nonstop cosplayers sharing their photos. I miss the fan art and the comic artists. I miss the fanfiction and the role-plays.

I miss the Miraculous Ladybug fandom (the safe ones). Those who create masterpieces in fan art, fan fiction, and audio. Those who reblog others work and compliment them in the tags. The cosplayers who did their best on their own without any help and still get support for their cosplays. I miss the cosplay music videos from this fandom, too. 

I have been away for a long time, coming back to reblog the occasional thing once in awhile before leaving again. I have a lot going on in my life and I miss being on this site sometimes. I miss everyone I used to talk to, people I considered family. I miss the audio blog I run with friends, I miss creating fan art for people I admire and fan fiction for my friends. I don’t do that anymore and I hate that. Maybe its because I’m growing up a little and spending more time on YouTube.

My YouTube channel is at 959 subscribers right now. I just uploaded a video about dysphoria which I was really anxious about. I have been working my ASS OFF to get to 1K subscribers because its the goal I’m trying to achieve this year.

As far as home life goes, its a nightmare. My home is infested with bed bugs, my landlord has been slacking on their duties to their tenants, my sister and her fiancé are leaving back to FL on Friday because they think that living with my mom and I was a bad idea (it was because we didn’t allow them to be here), they are currently living in our car we just got on the 31st, the neighbor was going to call the police on my sister and her fiancé for living in the car (its not illegal lmao), I finally saw a doctor and everyone has been using my preferred name and pronouns, and my romantic/sexual relationships are very healthy. I feel happier and lighter with them and they make me feel good about myself. 

Holiday Matsuri plans are in the works and everything is going well. I’ve got 2 Yuri On Ice panels waiting to be approved, I’ve got my mom ready to see how hectic my life is in the con scene, my partner who lives 4 hours away is going with me, and my new friends who are also my con roomies will be celebrating the end of this year with a bang. I’ve also decided to film 3 CMVs at HolMat and I’m volunteering this year as well. I’m gonna get really drunk and have a good time. It might be better than last year and I promise that I won't get food poisoning again lol. 

Life is changing, its just taking me a lot longer than others to get it together. Hell, maybe I’ll actually have someone who wants to marry my gay ass in a few years.

[istayhighoffyourmemory]

Yesterday’s therapy appointment left me feeling sad.  Sometimes it feels better to just try to let things go rather than endlessly rehash them.  I love my therapist and she has at times proved very useful, but sometimes I feel like I go there and waste an hour hearing myself talk. 

To me, learning I have cmv and mono (rather it is cmv mono or reactivation of eb mono) and possibly something autoimmune going on has answered many of my questions.  As nuts as I felt with the anxiety and depression (which in part was and is situational) I also know that part of it has been illness.  My anxiety started the first time I had mono... before I knew I was sick I had these insane out of the blue anxiety attacks.  I KNOW it was virus related.  There is a shit ton more research now how to eb contributes to depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue, and autoimmune iillnesses as well as chronic inflammation than there was 10, almost 11 years ago.  The very fact that I had a week of feeling better, then a a flare up the other day which also made my depression flare 500% was interesting after I rested and regained some strength.  Science is showing us that depression can be caused by different types of inflammation in the brain and I feel like I am experiencing that on a personal level with my illness. 

Because of my horrible experience with doctors and my therapist’s own experience which has mirrored mine she keeps asking if I am going to find another neuro.  He was a dick due to the whole woman-anxiety-depression thing but to be fair he did offer a thorough neuro exam, the blood work which has pointed towards autoimmune issues and cmv/eb, and an MRI. They cannot find an absolute reason for my nerve damage I suffered in my face besides what I’ve already been told... the only thing they can do is offer modern medicine, which isn’t that great.  That’s mostly what modern medicine is about anyway, managing symptoms rather than offering cures.  I mean it bothers me that I have suffered so much and I don’t know WHY this thing happened, but I have to find a way to let it go.  Especially now that nobody can go back in time to the moment that it happened and try to find an explanation.  It’s ultimately not going to matter, much like as angry as I am to have cmv/mono... it doesn’t do a damn thing to change the fact.   I try to just remain grateful at how much the pain has improved and that I actually have pain free period now, whereas I didn’t before. I try to be happy over the fact that my neurology examine showed no issues stemming from problems in my brain and my MRI confirmed that.  I believe that one day I will be completely pain free and this all will be a distant memory. 

Hell continued issues with mono and now cmv are scarier.  The PA told me straight up “mono viruses can cause cfs and fibro” which... I’ve known but try to block out of my mind to be honest. But to hear a physician say it was amazing, because I’ve heard nothing but denial for years that these viruses leave long lasting effects behind.  I’m sure it helped she was a woman.  I’ve struggled with all kinds of problems post mono 10 years ago that I never had before I had mono.  To have someone tell you that you have active mono and cmv is devastating.  We need vaccines to these fucking herpes viruses because they are some of the nastiest ones we have left lying around and I think it is because most of the population has them and the medical field sees them as being “mild” meanwhile we have this epidemic of autoimmune and chronic pain and all these issues and doctors throwing up their hands and saying “we don’t know!”  Look at epstein barr and cmv viruses, that would be my answer (along with our love of pesticides and other ways we horribly damage our food supply and our increased stress levels but that’s another rant). 

It’s painful too to live in the reality that autoimmune diseases seem to hit women disproportionately and we know damn well that is a reason why they aren’t investigated more thoroughly.  Take lupus for an example... a disease that not hits mostly women, and the majority are black women.  Do you think that might have something to do with the fact that in almost 60 years only 1 (ONE!) new drug has been approved by the FDA for lupus.

But I have to live with the reality of eb and cmv being in my body for the rest of my life.  And it makes me realize that all the things I’ve said for years that I need to do for myself... I need to fucking do it.  I can tell you 100% that stress makes everything worse.  And my life has been a stress tornado for years.  It is absolutely no surprise my body has given up.  Hell I can respect the fact that it did.  It was whispering to me for years.  Then it raised it voice.  Then it started screaming.  Now it’s just sort of like fuck you then if you’re not going to listen.  Who can blame it? 

Society has told me my entire life that I’m not enough if I am not exhausted by the end of the day.  If I am not working my ass off until I am sick.  That there is so much pride in “omg I’m so busy”.  That resting and listening to my body is lazy.  That I must not only handle my problems, but those of everyone around me.  That I’m not allowed to be sick. That my body is a machine and I must push it to its limits.  And my ongoing struggle with illness is teaching me how wrong society is about our perceptions of physical and mental health. 

I’m finding more and more stories about people (especially women) who experienced what I’m going through, and managed to find healing by finally listening to their bodies and I find so much inspiration in that.   I feel like I’m on a new lifelong path to healing.  Maybe I’ll never be 100% again, but I do believe I’m not stuck in any type of way.

[613526362]

My gum tissue is so eroded I have chronic pain in my mouth but it wouldn't be there if I was dead

8-9-2023 I've loved a lot of people. I've loved a few women. I've sacrificed for so many, for so much. But I truly, truly believe I've never been loved. Pandemos, who loved me of course, was over me in a minute. Maybe a second. Was at the gym on Facebook the next day and deleted our pics and got her brains fucked out a week later. While I was losing sleep and cutting my veins to bleed. I'm counting days and picking my death I leave 8-9-2023 I'm done telling you people No one fucking gets it 223 million views on a video of Montana in Africa for two days And a few of those clicks put $10,000 in an American rapper's pocket. 8-9-23 Eight nine twenty three. I've never been one to get tattoos. But I think if I had it put on my abdomen. I would see it and it would be a constant reminder - "You stupid fuck, if you got this shit tattooed on your body and don't do it, how will you feel about yourself??" I need to start planning it. Six years is enough. It has to be. It must. I'm not trying to get rich anymore. I can't wait for that. I'll be [redacted] soon. Six years. Six years I'll put up with your seductive money grabbers and sports highlights and potato chips and soulless soullessness. Put up with you not giving a fuck about anything but yourself and even doing a bad job of that. Your constant identity crisis in a country with no identity. Fuck you America, I'm not going somewhere more comfortable or safe But six years from now at least I'll be somewhere that is not completely devoid of purpose That is not completely soulless and empty Look into my eyes And you will not see this sick society 8-29-23 Enough years to finish medical school, and do a short residency. Not enough to repay loans. Not enough to get rich in business. Not enough for my father to die from his cancer. He's trying too hard to stay alive to see me become a rich doctor and marry a doctor-chasing model and and have pretty little white babies. 8-29-23 A 74 year old man looks back on half of his life's fruit and says, "Oh my god..... That wasn't a phase." Redacted Dr. K had just told me he had high titers of CMV and EBV when I realized I hadn't met the latest arrival of the clan of 20-year-old black lesbians who just walked in the room. So I went and met her. Way more confident than Gode's daughter. It did weird me out how she said "You're going to show me a good time" when she visits The Big City in a tone like it was a direct order, not a question. Before I'd met his daughter, Gode had talked to me about it as we drove to his office. "She had some bad experiences with guys. She's just so innocent, guys took advantage of her. I was thrilled when she told me she's dating a girl. You know why? A girl can't get her pregnant." That night I would masturbate three times to lesbian videos. I was running two or three a days since I was in the Magical State, feeling a bit on vacation. Feeling a bit like anything is possible. Also I had free wifi rather than the mobile hotspot shit from my phone that drains my monthly data. And the lightning you could see far off, across the water. It was beautiful in the evening and at night. Pandemos' home city, home state. I called her, at 5 on my day arrival. I didn't tell her I was a few hours away from her current nursing assignment at first. We just talked. Then I told her. She was mad. I explained. "I don't know if I can see you. I think you might put me under your spell again." "Oh my god, why do guys ALWAYS say that after we break up." She would remind me the next morning that it might work out for us to see each other. And the next day. My flight attendant is from The Big City. I know the accent now. I'm on the plane about to leave, and she still reminding me that I could have seen her, and should have let her know I was coming. She's one of the three girls who The Magical State brought to me while I was here. Gode had tried to hook me up with his assistant's Puerto Rican friend, but the next day we found out she was pregnant......and married So our trip to the Cheesecake Factory that night was a "hunting session" for Marshall, he told everyone. Sure enough, as we were all looking at menus, he came back from the bathroom and motioned for me to have a word with him back towards the bathroom. I told him I was scared of what was about to happen as we walked. "See you didn't believe that Gode got game. I got my mojo. I'm hooking my dog up." And the two girls whose meal he bought were actually quite pleased to chat with us. And the girl assigned to me liked me, and looked into my eyes, and let me touch her leg. And took my card happily. That kind of went on and on. And hours later as I was on top of my hotel (the construction they were doing was kind of creepy to walk through at night, but I loved it) looking out over the water, I knew she would text me the next day. Because I knew Gode had talked me up and a medical student and brilliant and great and he-would-have-me-date-his-daughterable. But what I didn't know was that when I went back down, the Russian (not Ukrainian, Marshall) front desk worked would tell me what time she got off. Considering I had also called the wrong Gabby and reconnected with an amazingly happy and pretty Asian girl that I would have amputated both fifth fingers in college to have dated..... Considering that, I guess I had four girls in three days. And then in the airport I realized a girl has never loved me And I started writing this I started writing 8-9-23 I wrote an email telling the guy who thinks he was appointed to take over my [redacted] back on the island that I'm coming in November to kick his ass out. CC'd the dean and the current lead. No matter how much love I can show a woman A woman will never love me I like white chocolate I like going to the zoo I like new shoes and I like turkey burgers because they make me feel healthy I like the picture of my dad looking at a squirrel I like being nice to people and surprising them like that I like rainy days and I like infomercials And a woman will never love me And a man will never understand me And I will not sit in this country and try to get rich and try to find love and try to believe I have anything here Goddamnit I will not stay here to give you any peace in your cancer filled intestines father who has always been there for me and deserves heaven And your attempts to impress me have succeeded Gode. I sucketh your dick. Maybe you will take my future. But 23 is coming. I must live life like hell is the earth's gift to me 8-9-23 "As we begin our final descent into the. Big City, look to your right and you'll have an incredible view of downtown." We fly over endless streets of warfare shortly thereafter. Streets filled with blood and murder. I guess I forgot to tell Gode that even though the population of Big City is massive, half that population is dying or killing and probably can't give him ROI. I think I should stop talking to Pandemos By the time I landed, all four girls were gone. My war has resumed 8-9-23 I walk in the door, expecting to be knocked down. I forgot to take the trash out before I left. My Lyft driver home was great. It was a curious situation where I had way more experience with rideshare than him, and he had way more experience with the city. We both had things to tell. One of his was that his girlfriend had applied for Big City Fire Department 15 years ago, and was just today receiving a settlement for extreme gender discrimination they had committed against her and four other women in the hiring process. I slept heavy on the plane. That doesn't happen much. I feel the stress coming back now that I'm here. I see the flashes of light sometimes. How it would feel to come home to a hug from someone who loves you. And then to shower and lie in bed and cuddle with them. How it would feel to have a little two-foot high child run up to your leg and squeeze when you walk in the door. God even a dog who's like "I'm SOOO glad you're back to feed me" would be something. So then, is it okay if I'm never truly loved, as long as I'm hugged, or leg grabbed, or urged to feed? Maybe feeling love from people is just mistaking people's need for you to satisfy their needs. The love I practice is different. It is sacrifice and dedication. 8-9-23 I'm going to rest my eyes now. I guess I'm home.

[whosthere54]

Song stream notes time

Aesthetic of C!sherb is up until 2 birds

Just kind of vibes for C!sherb (up until maybe brass goggles)

Songs with themes of loneliness potions bleeding - almost magic but more interdimensional stuffs (the beloved)

Brothers starts at 2 birds :)

(family jewels isla coded wait hold on just a minute there)

(When the day met the night Rae and Caspian as well as the fable isla marriage to —> Isla/Enderian to —> alone.)

S1 starts at Fine

Corruption I think starts mainly at Laplace’s Angel

SECOND HALF OF I WANNA BE YOUR SLAVE BEING COWORKERS I CARE

WhisperDuo is secret and Hawk in the night

PLAY WITH FIRE CENTROSS AND ENDERIAN

When the world caves in as the finale

Start of s2 as new life

Next section starts at Brutus and it’s the prison

NOT WELCOME BEING CENTROSS

Ends prison arc in Rock in gods shoe

S2 —>3 break starts as is there anybody here (Icarus in the worldport)

S3 starts with Maybe man

Chasing you - The emptiness of not knowing what to do after Haley’s been brought back, it having been their main goal before (very Ic + Haley coded song)

The garden - getting sick of quixis changes. I cannot get the changes to stop, I don’t know what to do, nothing is helping. (whenever talking about crows is talking about chat)

New eyes - Stream where sherb goes to Ulysses and finding out there eyes not their own and then the raft :)

(Two samples I think it’s called?)

The tornado - UNLOCKED THE BELOVED ITS PERFECT (THE END BEING ICARUS BECOMING QUIXIS I LOVE IT SM)

Birds - “I just want to sit here and feed my birds” energy

Look who’s inside again - father isolation

Let me make you proud - self explanatory Icarus wanting to make him proud and earn their fathers love

The fruits - Part of them isn’t them so they can’t be what their father wants them to be

Down the river - Athena and Icarus making potions and they argue about corruption a lil but I care “the dust never settles when you’re around” WHACK

Hero - them spiraling about Centross’s death before fable starts talking I’ll sob

When Centross saves them. Me when. I’ll cry about it.

Can’t catch me now - oh it’s me hallucinating wait he’s actually there rarararara they aren’t coping well but violets watching them

Do what you gotta do - HELP ITS SELF EXPLANATORY ALSO BANGER SONG AND SO FUNNY

Paid in exposure - Coworkers

Natural - also coworkers

Burning pile - CMV

Can’t go back - EVERYTHING IS GOING WRONG

Try to change - Icarus spiraling by themself - I can only do what I’m told I can only repeat history

Lima bean man - killing momboo :d

Shots - why do I kill everything I love?

Prodigal ^^ spiraling and I’m really his son

Solitary confinement - I LOVE THIS SONG FIRST OF ALL

No longer you - (EPIC THE BELOVED) Up to interpretation????

Monster - Penelope Centross - Telemachus (idk spelling) momboo

No children - singing about fable - Rae coming with Vanda

Mr author - Icarus to quixis other half Sherbert to rina

Icarus by luvbug - Fables death I EAT THIS UP (ITS SO GOOD I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS SO MUCH AFTER THE FINALE YOU DONT EVEN KNOWWW)

The bad guy + in my blood - OH MY GOD I WAS SO WRONG (the lyrics in in my blood I yell I rarara)

Daniel in the den - Fable is dead we did it we can move on!

Ruin - female voice is Icarus male voice is Midas (ME WHEN THIS SONG AND THE AMAZING DEVIL) getting ready to jump and die (mainly talking to quixis or the things)

“Nothing quite prepares you for when they don’t come back-“ AGH I LOVE THAT SONG ITS SO THEM AND I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT ICARUS AND MIDAS

Icarus and Apollo - ME WHEN ICARUS AND MIDAS

Show yourself - ASCENTION and Midas welcoming them

Who you are - Midas welcoming Icarus

The last goodbye - Him thinking he’s gonna die then SIKE NOPE WORLDPORT TIME ICARUS AND MIDAS TIME THEM HELPING EACHOTHER AND THEN THE PART WITH CHAT

Still feel - If fable had a bow this is the song when bowing I love it

epilogue things then Icarus

Back to black - WETBIRDS??? ILL UPDATE AFTER WATCHING THE VEN FINALE I GUESS???

SPRING AND A STORM STORYBOARD

Then the next section is specifically Icarixus times

Today today being years of time passing in the worldport I yell

Last section (after today today) is group songs :)

LOSER BABY AS THE DRINKING STREAM

The cave below hero

Ahhhh I love that playlist sm I had THOGUGHTS I was yelling in chat