#maybe I needed to vent a little
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coloring experiments with some displeased españas 🍅 i always love digging beneath his optimism to find the negativity underneath thats Just as passionate -- its one of the most fascinating things about him to me
closeups under the cut
#hetalia world stars#hws spain#aph spain#i simultaneously Am him and need him carnally. and im not sure which ones more embarrassing#his anger and my anger are.... upsettingly similar and ive been very Angry with my job recently. so. ofc ive been thinking about him#country of passion in all emotions. and the sun isnt just warm and bright. it Burns.#anyway this is Kind of a little bit of a vent piece maybe idk#my art#'i need to rest my hand' i say and then i get so furious at work these all come out of my brain#i have never been so close to starting a physical fight with my coworkers lmaoooo.
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#my little pony#mlp#mlp fanart#g5 mlp#mlp g5#mlp g5 fanart#mlp gen 5#sunny mlp#sunny starscout#sunny starscout mlp#mlp tyt#mlp make your mark#mlp mym#tell your tale#my little pony tell your tale#mlp sunny#sunny needs a break#imagine losing both ur parents and being seen as a joke by everyone#maybe a bit of a vent#i wanna hug her shes my baby
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Do you guys see my vision. Do you see it.
#persona 5#p5#p5 fanart#kawakami x takemi#sadayo kawakami#tae takemi#this scenario has plagued my brain for a YEAR#i think they both are very thankful of what akira has done for them. but they need to hang out with someone their own age#and go chat and talk about life and vent together and have fun and maybe make out a little too yes#akira is being subtle but inside he's watching them interact and going 👁👁#anyway these are quiiiick sketches cause i had some free time at work today and if i didnt draw it now then i never would jfjdj#kawakemi
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at first getting diagnosed with cptsd was like, "yay my trauma has been validated (it always was valid)!" and i really thought that was going to be it, but then i started to do research as i do whenever i realize i have something and learned that!! the way i experience socialization is!! quite horrid actually!!
#i have had this stupid fucking rule for myself for years since i was little#''dont speak unless you're spoken to or else something bad will happen. nobody wants to hear what you have to say unless they ask''#I TELL MYSELF THAT ALL THE TIME????#AND I DIDNT REALIZE IT WASNT NORMAL#thats not something that healthy people think to themselves whenever they want to talk to people. they just talk to them#they dont tell themselves not to speak to people for fear of what may happen to them jesus christ spacie#i get so scared when i message anybody ANYTHING#bc everything and anything i wanna talk about feels so stupid why would anyone give a shit#staring at a funny joke i want to send someone for 30 fucking minutes before deleting it b/c my brain is like ''errmm who cares?''#''also they're going to yell at you for wasting their time!!!''#i sent my friend a meme once and had a panic attack (or maybe a flashback?? im still trying to figure out what they are) immediately after#this shit sucks dude. it sucks#at least im processing what happened to me. thats why it hurts so bad rn its been stockpiled for like.#2 decades#im not looking for any sympathy here im just putting it out there#so that anybody who feels the same way i do know they're not alone#ive been struggling everyday for like 2 months now (actually DEFINITELY longer)#it will get better. things just need to be taken one step at a time#i have gotten thru my worst days i have a 100% success rate#how many days have i been alive#7930#lightwork#lets keep it goin#vent#trauma tw#trauma mention#wrote this post thru a flashback btw!! dealing with them is getting easier#before i would be unable to function for days at a time!!!#with one of the most recent ones i had i was so in the thick of it i avoided everyone i knew for a week cuz i was convinced#i was an evil unlovable freak that only wanted to hurt people
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“Oh, now Im floating so high
I blossom and die
Send your storm and your lighting to strike
Me between the eyes”
#kyman#sp kyman#my art#am i cringe for giving Kyman a Coldplay song? maybe#i accepted my cringe side a long time ago#also can someone call them the f slur?#please#sorry for the messiness of the sketch but im being an emotional little baby and i needed to vent by drawing gays#my favorite#alright#byeeeeee
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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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Me: wow im feeling so much better today
-leaves the house-
-gets so overwhelmed by everything suddenly I have to run out of the car and hide behind a fountain-
Me:
Me: I am doing so great rn
#pix habla#auagajsysuhs#too noisy my head was going to explode#and I didn’t want to be mad at people in the car either 💀#maybe I just need to start using the noise cancelling headphones outside the house actually#Eugh that was not#a good feeling#I don’t have Myla either so that made it worse#anyway the fountain spot was really nice I just sat in front of it and it was raining a little#vent#I think#my brain feels weird
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Am I delusion for acting like the skinniest bitch ever after taking 5 laxatives and shitting my brains out?
#maybe just a little#it makes me feel weirdly accomplished#@n@ diary#ana miaa#light as a feather#tw 3d vent#4nor3xia#i need to be smaller#tw ana bløg#tw ed ana#ed but not ed sheeran#i wanna be sk1nn1#i want to lose weight#i want to be pretty#i wanna be perfect#i need to be weightless#i need to lose so much weight#i need to be perfect
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Urgghh.......cramps...
#jane journals#vent#im on my period and i usually dont cramp too badly#but even this little bit SUUUUCKS 😭😭😭#im allergic to acetaminophen and im not allowed to take ibuprofen cause of the way itll react to other meds im taking#so im just here to SUFFER#i need an f/o to cuddle me and maybe get me a heat pack ; _ ;#im at work tho which means i cant even do that myself rn#life SUCKS
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PMDD vent...
Hormones have me feeling super emotional rn, that everything is hopeless, everyone hates me, and I want to die. I have to remind myself through gritted teeth that it's just the hormones making me feel this way and its like IT'S GONNA PASS SOON AND IT'S GOING TO BE FINE
#hormones 😫#its hitting me hard this month#it basically makes my current mental health symptoms worse#i need to just be kinder to myself maybe#just a little vent#personal
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The pain of rarely hating characters in fandoms that treat stanning villains like it’s a moral issue
#this was originally a whole vent post but i didn’t want the opps to see that i gaf#maybe another day i’ll post the angry rant version but this one was a little TOO angry and it just didn’t come off the way i wanted it too#back to the point tho#you guys need to chill tf out#i promise you i do not care what my favorite character has done#tiktok has me defending the few characters i do hate just bcuz of how ppl treat their fans#no characters are allowed to have serious flaws nowadays it’s so boring#“we need more complex characters” you can’t even handle a passive aggressive woman#you can’t even handle a man who cries a lot#there are certain characters i don’t even post abt bcuz ik how ppl would react#losing the idgaf war#“roxy who is this about?” sooooo many characters omg#hisoka morow#makima#osamu dazai#teru minamoto#aoi akane#akane aoi#tbhk hakubo#tsukasa yugi#kenjaku#sukuna#toji fushiguro#fukuchi ouchi#akito sohma#shigure sohma#every single character in hxh i’m not gonna bother naming them all#ging freecss#sanemi shinazugawa#shinobu kocho
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Spirit animal SQH
#svsss#shang qinghua#but mainly I'm just here to vague post LMAO I don't like to vague post its not very effective in terms of venting but#but basically I guess I'm becoming hyperaware of my like... cognitive dissonance codependency and derealization ee#also my general laziness ig and where it overlaps into executive dysfunction or whatever like I may genuinely have some issues but#I am also a lazy son of a bitch jfjfkgkg and i need to figure out how to figure it out so I can work on both in more effective ways hhggg#oh yeah but basically the thing to remember for later is the silence in the call and the immediate unmute and chat activity once I left#I should remember this and stop interacting I think? I should try to give em space I think I'm being too clingy or something#or maybe my own silence is too awkward and dampens the call? I was kinda just spacing out and not doing anything so I get its kinda weird#LMAO so I should just like try not to be in call for those times mm#I just like being in call with my friends jdhfkg but I suppose its not very good either#I overindulge I suppose another friend pointed it out to me before too haha but fjfjjt its just easier than facing bouts of dread by myself#eehh and that's why I gotta do something about my Metnal Ailneses hfjfj but ngl I don't really know how to go about it...#I get embarrassed looking stuff up djfnfkg and half the time I don't even know what to look up I just draw ?s and I give up#I suppose I also have commitment issues too but that ones not new which is an issue of itself aaaaaaaa#man idk idk I just don't really get it I guess djdjfjf and I've got existential dreads and think maybe it doesn't really matter whats wrong#cause there's no point to fixing them because ultimately I'm gonna die alone and a failure anyways? so like ehfjgkg idk#its depressing and I know its like sabotage cause my brain is being a little silly a little goofy and its not a shared sentiment#with the better half of me and the entirety of my friends but yknow its just ee harder sometimes to believe in the optimism ig#and i can talk about it somewhat normally and without like having a ✨️break down#but yknow djfjgkg I'm very emotional a person ya? I think sqh is relatable for gods sake 💀#irrationality sentimentality nihilism and existential dreads... wanting to die because living is too hard despite all my hopes for living...#just the ol regulars yknow?#and another thing... do I talk to my friends about these things? I vent them out here a lot but what do I really want?#I'm not strong enough to keep it to myself clearly but I'm also too proud to share these thoughts? I dump them out in the open and for what?#whenever someone reaches out with concern and care I don't respond in kind and refuse to elaborate?#so like what do I want with this? I guess I want someone to know I'm going insane half the time I'm awake? but not do anything about it?#that's pretty unfair I guess... and stupid I think I do want to share my thoughts with someone but I'm too scared of the ramifications#and that my pride can't stand the fact I might be looked differently by my friends even tho the image they have of me is already quite silly#man.... idk.... I'll come to conclusions myself and do nothing about them so I guess that'll happen again aah idk idk idk
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i really gotta get better about listening to my own brain and needs when i'm making things. i've been working on a video and i'm almost finished (yippee!!), but drawing this One Specific Frame was giving me trouble. i could have just brute-forced my way through it and finalized the initial sketch, since it was relatively good enough. but instead i left it and took a day off from working on the project, let myself recharge, and came back to the sketch with fresh eyes today. and what do you know, my redrawn sketch today is WAY better! now, i can finalize that frame and be genuinely proud of it, instead of just powering through on something i was less than happy with.
i hadn't done any other art stuff that day when i couldn't get my sketches to look right, so letting myself stop and have a break from the project felt sort of "unearned" i guess. but it's just. what i needed! and the break did what i needed it to do; i was able to come back later and make something i could be proud of.
anyway i guess this is me saying that, if you're like me and have this weird morality-complex about letting yourself rest, it's ok to take breaks, even if you feel like you haven't "earned" one yet :)
#rye.txt#growing up i got very accustomed to ignoring my own needs and just 'powering through' when i wanted/needed to get something done#which worked out relatively ok for me in school (banging my head against a wall until my brain absorbed information leading to exhaustion)#but now that im doing work that is ostensibly for my own enjoyment#i have a hard time divorcing myself from that mindset#i feel guilty if im not constantly working#which is. not great! so im trying to unlearn that#trying to let myself think 'ok my brain isn't brain-ing right now. so i should stop and rest/do something else'#my actual job is Very Emotionally Draining so sometimes i just. can't find the energy to work on my art#which sucks!! cause i love making art!! and then i think to myself 'maybe making art will make you feel better'#but then when i try it's like scraping the bottom of a dry well. trying to find water#when what i need to do is rest and let the water well up from the ground itself#but resting is HARD when you tie your self-worth to how much you can work#ough ok this got a little vent-y sorry guys#I don't want to let myself fall into the 'content creation' mindset. cause I don't think i make 'content' i make ART#and art isn't something you can just pump out mindlessly#good art. art that i can be PROUD of. that takes time and intent and energy. and I can't make that if im just scraping the bottom of a well#vent in tags#this whole post is just 'riley vs the concept that taking breaks is a moral failing'
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love this part of my life where the things that are difficult but challenging and good for me are things i can stop and skip and halfass, but the things that are difficult and painful and pointless are the things i have to live with no matter what
#school and home life are too much to handle so i skip school#because i cant kick my parents out#and appartments cost money#and i dont have a car to sleep in#i could maybe try to dig up my old childhood tent but that brings a whole host of logistic questions + im scared and it's difficult#anyway. it's fine. it's cool. i just have to hold on until i graduate high shcool and then ?????#find a way to live without my parents money OR scholarships#all for some nebulous end goal of having a job (the only field i'm interested in and good at offers two options:#to become an academic#or to become a freelancer#i do not have the fortitude to be an academic and being a freelancer is convoluted and pays like shit)#i might've spent 24h without my parents occasionally if i spent the night at a friend's place once or twice recently#but besides that the last time i've gone 48h without my parents was when the mental health center organised a week camp uhhhh...#two summers ago#incredibly good for my mental health as you can see#god i remember like... years ago. around 13yo maybe or 14. a guy. i dont know if he was a mental health professional or like social cases#but anyway he told me ''you're too afraid to be away from mommy and daddy'' and it made me want to rip his eyes out#several other people have implied or suggested that too over the years and it's just#am i too dependant on my parents? yes. will it be difficult to take my independance? yes.#does it means i don't both rationally recognize and feel that this is really fucking unhealthy and hindering for me#on top of being unpleasant?#FUCK NO#i want out my guy. there's just not many opportunities for an already mentally ill teenager#now that i'm eighteen i have to grapple with the logistical problems of the money needed and how to continue my education#and im sure a billion more if i start searching a little more seriously#perhaps i should kill myself that way i don't cost anyone any more money#broadcasting my misery#vent
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Also I quit my job of what would in about a month or two have been 10 years, and perhaps now I will get to actually be a human being again.
#honestly? honestly?#last week i told the two (2) godawful egomaniac lab head Man In Academia bosses i quit and that we need to formalise it asap and i just#felt like a little feather about to float away on a breeze#maybe now i can do normal people things like eat and sleep and have a routine of some sort idk#i have been slowly losing it for at least 3-4 years now#i took a screenshot and last year i had no fewer than 14 fucking travel orders fulfilled#most of which consisted of like 12+ hour days on ships and docks#i'm just so tired man#not for reblogging obviously#i don't really wanna vent anymore or ponder them and the entire godforsaken institution but like#good riddance tbh#which is really really sad when you think about it! but here we are#it was just... no trace of future anywhere to be seen! entirely a Void!!#gonna post a beefy lesbian paladin real quick to push this post down lmao#but i felt like sharing because i know there's good and concerned people who follow me here and i both appreciate and miss you all#and lord knows some of you have been listening to me vent and whine for ages#am i going to miss some great people and the research community of my field? of course but also it was all just completely unsustainable
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I feel like being mutuals means so much less than everyone makes it seem
You literally just follow each other, that's it
Most of my mutuals probably don't even remember who I am after I stopped drawing for them
Edit: the rant in the tags is more about being annoyed with people who tell me they like my art and follow me, but that's it, no art support at all
#the tags are gonna be a bit of a vent bc I think about this a lot#maybe it's because most of my mutuals only ever interacted with my post when it was art for them#I don't get notifications that they liked my art but they tell me they like seeing my art#I see them reblogging bigger artists than me and it's a little discouraging in a way#they talk big about my art on discord before following me for emphasis#but then they never liked any of it#they sometimes reblog my reblogs#but that's it#it just feels gross to me to act like you support and love someone's art so so much and they're “cool” to you#but then it stops at just words in a server#actions speak louder than words#I don't want to sound entitled or spoiled#I just feel a little deceived that they said they like my stuff but I get no evidence of that#ofc I love seeing my mutuals that do like my stuff more than anything#I do have regulars that do support me and I try to support them as much as I can#but I can't help but feel weird trying to support someone who doesn't even look at what I do as they talk about liking it#They don't need to say any of that but they do and it feels like lies#ofc this is all so whiny and I know it's so stupid#I'm probably going to delete this later#I just wanted to say it finally#vent#tw vent#vent tw#vent posting
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