#mattia polibio | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mrsmiagreer · 1 year ago

Text

Alright. Little big rant because i’ve nowhere else to turn :)

Edit: Omgggg this is lengthy asf😭 sorry for those who are actually reading…i don’t think I realized I would be talking n writing for this long and i literally won’t br offended if nobody reads this all the way down. Mb😭

so… some of you may know, I am very easily hyper fixated on things. Right now my top two hyper fixations are redacted ASMR (as you know), and the Sturniolo triplets (as you also recently know.)

I was watching the cut the camera podcast on YouTube and I went all the way back to their very first episodes of it because I want to watch from the beginning and catch up. I was watching episode three where they brought on their first guest speaker, Baylen Levine, and it was pretty inspiring to me because they talked about doing a lot of the stuff that I aspired to do as a kid.

For example, they talked about how they have always known that they wanted to be influencers from when they were small, and they’ve recorded a large portion of their lives, and they’ve made sure to document just being themselves, and they realized (from vine or jake and logan paul or people in that genre) that they could make a fortune of it. They talked about how they would post on YouTube or post on TikTok and after they started getting lots of likes and views they committed themselves to it and that’s how they are where they are today.

I have always wanted to be an influencer. As a kid, I have made multiple YouTube channels and Musical.ly and Tiktok accounts with videos of me just talking or singing, or dancing, and in 2020 during quarantine I was literally posting TikToks every single day, hoping that I would blow up like Charli or Addison. Those days I was obsessed with the New Jersey boys (Kairi Cosentino, Mattia Polibio, Alejandro, Rosario, etc.) who are also famous on TikTok, and I wanted to be famous too, so I can meet them and even come close to being in their league.

I wanted to be famous… Well, I didn’t want some of the stuff that came along with being actually famous, but I did want to be impactful enough to be considered famous so like Internet famous, not actor famous or singer famous (even though lots of people told me that I should be a singer because I can sing). I think I just have anxiety around the fact that I’ll always be watched and judged, and I’d have to watch what I say or filter what I do from the Internet and separate my life from my business. especially as a teenager, being famous seemed really difficult. and I was also really lazy so I didn’t wanna have to do the work of uploading every day, recording every day, editing, coming up with my own ideas every week, etc..

watching their podcast videos also confirmed my fear of not blowing up as easy because I was alone. I have a little sister but she’s six years younger than me, and so the content and the way I wanted to portray myself wouldn’t have been as suitable because of our circumstances as a family and our age gap. The triplets were talking about how they’ve never had to really feel alone while coming up in this social media business because they’ve always had each other, so not only are they brothers, but they’re also best friends and business partners. Baylen was talking about how he started his channel with his friends because they were doing funny stupid stuff normally in their everyday lives and one day they just decided to film it and it blew up. especially in the social media industry, it seems to be “the more the better” because it gives people the option to pick a favorite of the group or want to know more about somebody in particular or just explore the different personalities and how they complement each other and all that stuff (The NJ boys, The Sturniolos, Team 10, the Hype House, etc). I never had anybody to record these videos with me consistently or anything like that, and I think I figured that I would just get boring and that I’m probably not really enough on my own.

watching their podcasts and watching their YouTube videos always makes me feel like I want to return to content making, but I always wave it off. For starters, I kind of feel too old to start. Not that I’m old or anything but I wanted to start when I was like 11 and really had a chance at like 15 so now I feel like I would be starting in the game too late which is deterring me. I think I also only want to start up my content creating dreams because I really want to meet and be friends with these people that I’ve looked up to and the only way I can do that is by also being famous which sucks because it’s a very low chance that I’ll ever be their friend as some normal person who is technically considered a fan. in the episode with Baylen, they were talking about how now that they’ve met Baylen and they’ve met the cuff boys, They’re only waiting on a few other people to meet before it’s a full circle moment, and they’re content with the progress they’ve made in their career, and the people I want to meet if I were to ever have this platform are the triplets, the New Jersey boys, Berleezy, Coryxkenshin, and probably even Erik because redacted ASMR has literally changed my life so much. it’s opened my mind to how many possibilities there really are when making your own stories because of how many different rules and lands and governments and races there are within Dahlia, and how complex a character themselves could be because they are in fact people before any of their abilities, and it’s given me ideas and inspired me to be a better writer or to be more creative because Erik is literally one of the most creative people I have ever seen in action and i adore his work.

I am one of those people that do have a lot of opinions to say. I have a lot of random thoughts and a lot of ideas that I want to bring to life. When I watch the boys’ car videos, I find myself wanting to add to their conversation, or say something that I feel applies to their situation that could help or that would make them laugh or that I just relate to in general. it makes me almost kind of sad that I would have to put in the work and the grind that could possibly take years, just to become Internet famous, just to join a conversation of theirs, with no guarantee that we’ll even become friends or stay in contact like I’d hope we would.

Also, I’m trying to decide what I want to do in life as a career and YouTube sounds very fun and def brings in a lot of cash but I just don’t know if I can. I just don’t feel like I’m in the right position to do that.

right now I’m thinking about doing something towards psychology, social work, child development, or child therapy, because being in high school made me realize that there are tons of kids that need help badly and there’s not enough child therapists around (or nobody takes school counselors seriously) and so I want to help change that, and I can’t do YouTube and go to school for being a child therapist because that’s

An overload of work and

Two different pathways that I don’t really want to mix.

I feel like there’s a lot of familial pressure around going to college too, especially because I would technically be a first generation student. I feel like my goal with child therapy is very honorable and something that the world definitely needs but I feel like I would genuinely enjoy my life more if I could make money from Vlogging and having fun and going through my life with a camera. and I know that life‘s not all about fun, but it would just make a lot of my internal dreams come to fruition. Like on episode two of cut the camera (I believe) Chris was talking about how being famous allowed him to start the clothing line that he’s always wanted to start, and I’ve always always always wanted to start a clothing line as a kid too. I even have a hoodie with my name on it in my closet right now because I started a clothing line journey and wasn’t consistent. not only would a youtube career allow me to express myself through clothing or conversation, but it would also expand my understanding of technology, business, social interactions, travel, and you never know who you’ll meet or what you’ll end up doing if you don’t start.

people in my life keep telling me that college is the best thing that they’ve ever experienced and that there’s no experience like college, and I completely trust them and understand that it is probably a great experience because it’s basically big high school, but with more legal freedom. I also have no doubt in my mind that I’ll make a lot of connections and meet a lot of great people and learn a lot of things from college because you meet people from everywhere in college, however, being in college would definitely get in the way of me doing YouTube I feel.

and it’s not even that I really even want to do YouTube anymore (Or at least as much as i used to want to), I just want to be big enough to be able to meet these people without looking like some random fan girl… am I delusional? Is this too much? Could I just like their content like a normal human being?

#mia makes a statement #rant post

7 notes · View notes

ghostofbrock · 4 years ago

Text

venomous words

on a rainy afternoon in new jersey, the kids didn't have an option to go outside or not since they knew how strict their mother was on days like this and how their father would react if he saw mud tracked into the house. they'd be toast with the chancla.

so ellie played with her barbie dolls on the carpet in the living room floor with a small smile on her face, giovanni sat on the couch and watched over his baby sister while trying to look for something to watch in netflix, specifically a movie. luke and auggie were upstairs in their room playing whatever the newer generation was into. the two boys were in sweats that had crumbs on them since the boys were munching on potato chips as they played their game. their mother had just arrived from long and stressful day at work, she sat in her car for a minute or two to collect herself before entering her home where her babies and husband would be waiting for arrival. well maybe just her babies... once again.

she covered herself with her purple umbrella since it was pouring rain as she got out her car, closed the door and locked it before walking to her front porch that wrapped around the house. she closed her umbrella as soon as she was covered by the porch's roof. she grabbed her house key out of her pocket and opened her door.

"mom's home!"

she hasn't stepped foot into her home and she was already called out by her kids. luke and auggie jumped out their beds and ran downstairs as soon as they heard their older brother yell. ellie dropped her doll and skipped over to her mommy as gio stood up from the couch and walked over to her.

as sara closed the door behind her and turned around, she was attacked by hugs all over her body. from her thighs to her shoulders, her children had her trapped in a loving hug.

after she kissed them each and asked about how their day went, they went back to what they were doing before she came home. later they were expecting a home cooked meal that she always provided for them since mattia rarely cooked for them nowadays and sara didn't like having her kids eating fast food all the time either for their health. at times it was acceptable but if they didn't need to eat it then they wouldn't.

sara was now sitting at the island that was in the kitchen, she opened the bottled water she grabbed from the fridge and took a sip.

"how was work?" her oldest son's voice came from behind her. he walked from behind her to next to her and leaned against the marble island. "stressful. overwhelming. busy. i don't know how i'm gonna do it..." she rubs her temples with a groan. "don't over work yourself, ma. you got this, you always do." gio rubs his moms shoulder softly and flashed her a smile. a smile that made her feel better and made her smile.

"i know it's just that i wanna do as much as i can for this project. i've worked my ass off for years for this to finally happen and i'm so close. only a few more months of ridiculous amount of stress then i'll have my own clothing line." a weak smile formed on her lips, gio's heart swells at the sight. he knows how much his mom has been wanting this but he also knows how much she can overwork herself.

"isn't dad helping you with any of it? he said he would, right?" gio asked with his mother with hope as she took another sip of her water. "uh yeah. he is but there's certain things he can't help with." she gave her son a tight smile laced with lies.

truth is mattia hadn't even talked to sara about her huge project that she has been working on for over a year now. he thinks his wife can do it herself because of how strong she is but little did he know how weak she was getting from handling everything by herself. she was never the one to ask for help but this time she did ask for help from her husband but his answer?

"you're being dramatic"

so she never asked again and instead asked her close friends who were of course open to help with anything she needed. she knew that the kids had brought up the project while they talked to mattia recently either at dinner or something similar. and being the good father mattia is he had to lie because he knew if his kids found out their parents weren't helping each other out then they'd question why and jump to conclusions which leads to arguments and picking "sides".

"oh yeah. i've been helping her with scheduling everything and keeping the tabloids updated. she's not as stress thanks to me."

sara would just simply nod and give a small nod to the kids and glare at mattia who just rolled his eyes at her.

"like what?" gio asked. "it's personal business stuff, g. don't worry about it, okay? i'll be fine. but did your dad take you guys out for breakfast like he said he would?" she changed the subject with a smile.

gio avoided eye contact with her which she automatically meant no.

"h-he just forgot. that's all." he stuttered a bit. sara tried to remain as calm as she could. she didn't want to lash out in front of her baby and took a mental note to talk to mattia tonight about not taking the kids out for breakfast.

"you don't have to lie to me, ya know? i won't get mad at him." she sighed and gave her son a reassuring look. "when i woke up this morning he wasn't here. he sent me a text as well saying that something came up and he had to go meet up with his manager for a gig." he simply explains. "so i made breakfast for us instead and lunch too. he sent us money for post mates but i was just mad-" he stopped himself from venting to his mother about his father.

"i didn't use the money. that's all." he shrugs as sara looks at him with sympathy.

"he promised me that he'd try hard for us. to try being more involved... why would he lie?" gio claps his hands together. "sometimes work gets in the way of things, honey. trust me if he could clear his schedule for a whole week just to be with us he would, okay?" the fact that sara was defending mattia wasn't something she wanted to do.

she had to because she didn't want her son to think bad about his own father, she was trying to protect at least both of them.

after their little conversation sara made dinner while the kids were being entertained by the activities they were doing before she got home. as sara looked over at the clock, she sighed.

it was seven o' clock and mattia still wasn't home. usually he'd send his wife a text saying that he was going to be home late but when sara checked her phone she had no new messages. the kids were now sitting at the table with their mother. she sneaked a quick text to mattia before eating with her babies.

sara: are you on your way yet?

she got no response after she sent it. she called twice and still nothing. she was beyond livid at this point. first, he didn't take the kids out for the day, then he doesn't respond to her text or calls her back? this was the third time this month that this occurred. she didn't show it but she was pissed off at dinner and while she tucked this kids into bed.

"is daddy gonna tuck me in too?" ellie asked as she held onto her stuffed giraffe. "yes, baby. of course. when he gets home i'll tell him to come and give you a kiss, okay?" sara's soft voice said as she placed a strand of hair behind her ear. ellie simply smiled at her mother.

"goodnight, angel. te amo." sara kisses ellie's nose. "buenas noches, mommy. te amo mas." the two giggled. once sara finishes tucking in her kids, she goes to her bathroom to take a shower. she then changed into some house shorts and one of mattia's shirts that fit her like a dress.

she went to the living room and ate ice cream as she watched good girls. without even knowing it, she fell asleep on the couch. she was woken up by someone whispering her name softly and rubbing her cheek gently with their palm.

she opened her eyes to see mattia with a smile. oh how much she wanted to wipe that stupid smile off his stupid face.

"did you make dinner?" he questions her. "yeah. we ate already so i put your plate in the fridge. now if you excuse me i'm going to bed." she was too tired to deal with him right now. she would have to be up bright and early tomorrow for meetings and such so she just didn't want to argue with her husband right now.

she got up from the couch and tried walking away but mattia reached out for her hand to stop her.

"you guys didn't wait for me? what happened to family dinners?" he asks with a pout as he held her hand. she quickly glanced at the clock on the wall for a time check.

2:34 a.m.

"i was not gonna wait till now to eat with you and neither were the kids, mattia. family dinners means that everyone has to be here at reasonable times." she sighs and glares at him. "where were you anyways, mattia? it's past midnight and you barely got home." she questions quickly and changed the subject.

"i was out. it's not a big deal, babe." he scoffs at her.

"not a big deal? if it's not a big deal then why can't you tell me where you were?" she remarked quickly and crossed her arms over her chest.

mattia gives her a look, as if she was crazy or something. all she wanted to know was where he was at, what was so hard about that?

he started walking to the kitchen, sara quickly followed him.

"sara, i've had a long day. please don't start with me right now..." he huffs as he opens the fridge and grabs his plate of cold food. "says the guy who comes home late smelling like alcohol and cigarettes." she looks at him from across the island.

"i didn't do shit! all i did was go to a bar with alejandro and alvaro after i finished my meetings. they drank but i didn't because i knew you'd react like this and treat me like some kid!" he was getting frustrated with her at this point, he showed it by banging his fist on the island. his breath reeked of alcohol so she was even more pissed off that he was lying to her about drinking.

"all i wanted to do was come home to my wife and kids. a nice home cooked meal and after the kids go to bed and we all settle down, maybe some good sex with my wife but i can't have that can't i? ever since you've gotten this attitude all you ever do is complain! you're on bitch mood twenty four seven, sara!" he was now raising his voice at her.

sara had no energy to argue with him right now. literally nothing left. she had a long day, she just wanted to sleep. she looked at him with tired eyes, she scanned his facial expression and saw the anger he always had all of a sudden now. right now she ignored it and walked away, but he didn't let her.

"where the fuck are you going?" he turned her around a little bit too rough. "to bed, mattia! i'm too tired to deal with your bullshit right now." she stated as she tried not to yell at him.

"whatever. go ahead, walk away. that's all you're good at since you can't do anything right. you definitely can't be a good wife." his words felt like knives. she felt like her heart was getting stabbed completely, over and over again.

she walked off, pretending that what he just said didn't phase her and went upstairs quietly so she wouldn't wake the kids.

little did she know, gio was hiding behind a pillar near the stairs where he heard everything.

she went to the room which she shared with her "husband" and jumped into bed. she laid in bed for a minute, thinking about what mattia said. his words repeating in her head like that one song that could never get out of your head.

"you definitely can't be a good wife."

those venomous words scared her pretty much. she couldn't believe he said that... why would he say that? was she really not a good wife? what was she doing that made her so horrible to him? was it the kisses? was it her cooking? was it her looks? was it the sex? the constant need of having him around? what was it?

whatever it was made her feel like she wasn't good enough which was not the case.

sara was always good enough.

she cried herself to sleep that night. and hours later she felt his presence next to her body, his arms wrapped around her keeping her warm but it didn't make her feel loved like it usually did. no, she had a different feeling. she felt like she was in bed with a stranger. why was she feeling this way? shouldn't she be happy that he was still willing to sleep in the same bed with her?

all the questions she thought of made her feel more insecure, not about herself but about her marriage with the man she loved so much. the last thing she wanted was to lose him, it would ruin her.

she hopes for an apology of some sort. perhaps a date to make it up, she'd be willing to forgive him. she knows he lied about not drinking, mattia could never say no to not have a beer or three with the boys. he wasn't thinking straight, she knows her husband too well.

he just didn't want to admit that he was drinking because he didn't want to feel more guilt than he was already feeling since he missed out on dinner.

so the next morning she was woken up by the smell of pancakes and bacon. she went downstairs and saw gio and mattia cooking at the stove, auggie and ellie coloring on the table while luke looked sleep deprived as he walked into the kitchen with his mom.

"morning, amor." mattia walks over to her holding a plate of stacked pancakes with all the works. he bends down a bit to kiss her oh so sweetly, they both smile into the kiss. "i handled everything you needed to do today so we can all spend quality family time and to start off the day i thought of making breakfast." he hands her the plate where she takes it and sits at the table. once everyone is served the all began to eat.

"you have to cook more, pop. these smack!" auggie speaks as he licks his lips. "maybe i will." mattia laughs as he looks over at his son. "how'd you sleep, ma?" gio asked simply. the way he asked her sounded like he knew something (which he did since he heard what his father told his mom last night) but no one thought too much of it.

"good, baby." she lied with a smile. gio could tell that she was lying but he wasn't going to confront her about eavesdropping on her and mattia.

they all ate breakfast in peace and with joy. gio couldn't stop looking at his mom and dad. especially, his mom since she seemed so happy. didn't mattia's drunk words hurt her? was she really pretending that nothing happened between her and her husband? he couldn't believe she was still protecting mattia after what he told her.

"what's up with you?" luke nudges his older brother's elbow slightly. "what?" was gio's response. "you keep on staring at mom. i get that she's beautiful but it's starting to look weird now. quit it." luke let out a dry chuckle after he spoke.

gio just rolled his eyes and finished his breakfast. once the family finished eating they were told to get ready for a day out. mattia said that he'd be taking them out to the carnival since it happened to be in town.

"hey, can we talk?" mattia closed the door behind him as he walked into his bedroom. sara was sitting at her vanity deciding what necklace to wear that she had in her jewelry box.

"yeah, what's up?" she nods and turns her body to face him. he sits in the edge of their bed as she sat across from him in her spinning stool.

"first off, i want to apologize for last night. i know i should've gave you a heads up about dinner and coming home late. yes, i did drink and i didn't mean any of what i said. i was drunk and stupid. i'm sorry, mamas." he gave a look filled with guilt and he really didn't mean those things that he told her last night.

"tia... i accept your apology, okay? you just had me worried because you weren't texting or calling me back. and i just had a stressful day overall yesterday." she sighed. "i know, baby. you shouldn't be overworking yourself either. i also took the liberty of organizing all of your meetings and handling the little things for your project. i know you've wanted this for the longest time and i hate to see you so worrisome about the little things, babe. i wanted to help you." he explains which made her heart feel a certain way. only he was able to give her that feeling as crazy as it sounds.

"i really do have the best husband in the world, huh?" she giggles. "and i have the best wife ever. being all sexy and shit." he winks at her which makes her blush.

"come give me a kiss." he adds and she obeys. she gets up from her chair and straddles mattia's lap, wrapping her arms around his neck and plays with his hair. she dips her head down, he catches her lips with his own. the kiss was soft and sweet, all of their worries seemed to wash away. almost as if all their problems went away as well... boy were they in for it.

#mattia polibio #writing #shorts #bookish #aesthetic #camila mendes #home #new jersey #tiktok #tik tok boys #kairi #alejandro #spaces!mattia

29 notes · View notes