#mark is the guy who is just there for the fun times. john is actually decent but he also feeds off mark's chaotic energy

[zukkaoru]

an opportunity to ask about grace wips.......... i'd be a fool to miss it

12 and 13 please!!

hehe ily <3 these two are both ideas i'm plotting for fyodor ship week in june!!

midnight baptism (12) is a no-powers au that is. pretty much exactly what it says on the tin. fyodor nathaniel and nikolai sneak into a church in the middle of the night because fyodor wants to be re-baptized after coming out as trans

fyothaniel communion (13) takes place the night before nathaniel's brainwashing/lobotomy/whatever in which he comes to fyodor and says he wants to partake in communion one last time before the procedure, and asks fyodor to do the sermon for it.

see. okay so the thing is. people are always like "omg i love writing fics as an excuse to infodump about my non-fandom related knowledge from non-fandom related interests" but the non-fandom topic i have spent literally my entire life studying and memorizing is The Bible. and i can't just make any random characters bible quizzers or send them to youth group or whatever. so now that i finally have characters who are canonically religious that gives me the perfect opportunity to write fics about things i'm very familiar with but have never had a chance to explore in fics before. like baptism and communion. maybe i'll even make nathaniel a bible quizzer at some point. you never know what could happen next.

[juanbodyswapstfs]

Being my Uncle John.

Every year, On the 1st day of the six month, 2 males in Jacks family switch bodies for a month. Unfortunate for Jack, he is a male. But fortunate enough for him, he has never been switched, but this year would be different.

1 day before.

“Aw cmon bud its not that bad.” “You have never been switched before anyways.” said my Dad. “I know but what if this year is different?” I said. “Like I said, Its not that bad.” “Unless your luck runs out and you get switched for many years in a row like your Uncle mark.” “But that’ll never happen ha.” said my dad with a unsure tone. “Yeah I guess your right.” “How have you switched with before dad?” I said. “Oh I switched many times haha, With your uncle Mark, your uncle Tom, and even your grandpa Joe! hahaha.” “But for some reason your uncle John has never switched, lucky son of a bastard.” Im really hoping I don’t get switced but something inside of me wants me too. Just the thought of being a real man, just feels so right. Now its time to go to Bed and wake up as myself or even one of my uncles, I really hope I switch with one of my Uncles it just feels right.

The next day,

As I woke up, I knew something wasn’t right, it felt like my cock and everything else has doubled in size, I mean WOW, this cock is really huge! I mean i like girls and all but im way more attracted to men. I stood up on the side of the bed and just admired the manly body im in, as i looked closer I realized im in the body of my uncle John, which has also never been switched.

I was having fun being in this big body, but then I realized im gonna have to be John, he has a life, job, and even husband! good thing his husband is on a business trip and gets back on the day we switch back. I decided to call my “nephew”. “Yo how ya doing bud?” I said with a grin. “Im doing great Uncle John!” “How do you like being a man?” said Uncle John. “Amazing, how do you like being a teenager again?” I said. “Ha you are exactly how I was when I was a teenager.” Uncle John said. “Ok now lets get serious, how do I become you?” I said. “Ok first thing off, I have a job at the gym as a trainer, they should know what to do just hype them up.” “My husband is on a business trip so he shouldn’t be a problem, pretty easy right?” Uncle John said. “Yeah not so bad after all.” I then tell Uncle John how to pass as me and we eventually hang up. I now got dressed and jerked off before I headed to the Gym. It was amazing how much this body can come and how big my balls are now.

At the Gym I got greeted by some muscular men, which I tried to hide my boner from. Turns out I was pretty good as a trainer, It was like I’ve been doing this my whole life! After my shift, I decided to go take a sneak peek at the locker room, I mean just a peak right? Then I saw a guy with his package out and couldn’t help get cum a little. I mean, if John didn’t have a husband I would totally help him out. I then headed home and took a hot warm bath and played with my cock. I then went to bed. It’s pretty fun being uncle John I wish I could be him forever.

The next day,

Its now the next day and I woke up with a huge morning wood. It was the weekend which means I didn’t have to go to work and had the whole day to myself! But then I got a call from my husband, “Hey John, im coming back early in the afternoon can we have some.. alone time?” said my husband Joseph. “Of course my love, anything for you.” I said. “How is your families swap going? Do you know who switched?” Joseph said. “Uh no actually.” I said. “Okay well get ready for when I come back!” “definitely” I said then hanged up. I know how bad it seems lying but I just wanna feel how this body would be during sex.

In the afternoon,

As I was getting ready for uncle Johns husband to come back I got a call from uncle John, “Hey “Uncle John” is Joseph coming from home from his trip early?” Said Uncle john. “No he hasn’t called me or anything why?” I said lying. “Just wondering, If he is, please don’t do anything with him please.” Uncle John said. “Gotcha nephew.” I said and then hanged up. I felt bad lying to Uncle John but I just wanna experience getting fucked in this big manly body. An hour later Joseph knocked on the door and greeted me. “Hey babe, I’ve missed you and your big manly ass.” Joseph said. “I missed you too and that big monster.” I said. I knew it was wrong what I was doing but it was natural for some reason. Joseph then proceeds to take of his shoes and puts his feet on the coffee table. “Babe you know what to do.”Joseph said in a stern voice. “Oh yes master.” I said obeying his orders. I get down on my knees and lick his big manly feet.

He then proceeded to Unbuckle his pants.

“Now suck my cock boy.” “Yes sir.” I started sucking my “husbands” cock and loved the feeling. I loved being commanded by a big man and obeying him, I could do this forever.

“Now roll over and let me fuck your ass.” He then fucked my ass and I could feel the hot cum. “Good boy, Now continue to lick my feet and my armpits.”

We continued for about 18 minutes, I really did love him and could live happily with him forever. If only I could stay in this body forever. Joseph then left the store and Uncle John called me. “Hey uncle the switch is almost over, and be honest, did you jerk off or have sex in my body its important beca-” “I jerked off in your body and had sex with your husband im sorry I didn’t mean to.” I said regretting everything I have done. “YOU DID WHAT. NOW WE CANT SWITCH BACK.” Said my nephew angrily. But then I realized that this means my “uncle” is now my nephew, so I had more authority over him and he should obey me. “I don’t know who your talking to young man, but that is not a way to talk to your uncle John.” “The closest thing you get to this body is me fucking your teenager ass.” I said with a stern voice. I then hanged up and jerked off to the fact that im now John. I admired every inch of my body until Joseph came back. When he comes back im not gonna be the servant, Im gonna fuck his ass and command him to suck my dick.

[cosmicmunsonwrites]

can you do hickeys smut with jj maybank and after all their friends see it and take the mick out of jj

i love you so

pairing(s): bf!jj maybank x gf!fem!reader , the pogues x reader

warnings: a little smut, unprotected sex, p in v, pet names, creampie, overstimulation, use of y/n once

summary: jj marks you up for everyone to see, including your friends.

authors note: thank you for the request! sorry this took so long but i hope you enjoy :)

not edited

do not copy my works. i do not condone rewrites, translations, or edited versions. all my content is my content that i wrote.

not my gif

his lips trailed across your neck, sucking and biting at the skin there, his body planked over yours.

your hands tangled in his hair as you bit your lip to suppress the moans threatening to slip out when his hips pressed into yours. “oh, fuck.”

he kissed down your chest and continued to lick and suck at your breasts, leaving pretty little bruises across your skin. some in places only he’d ever see, and others in places for everyone else to know who you belonged to.

“jj, ‘m so close,” you mumbled, your hips rolling up into his to match his rhythm before his lips were back onto yours.

“you gonna come for me, sweet girl?” he mumbled against your lips. “hm?”

you simply nodded, too tired to do much of anything else right now. your nails sunk into his back when your orgasm approached like a tidal wave, crashing over you and triggering his own.

you felt the warmth fill you up, making your legs shake with the slight overwhelming stimulation.

he pressed a few gently kisses to your cheeks then forehead before leaning up.

“wait,” you stopped, hands searching for him. “can we just lay here for a minute?” you asked softly.

“‘course, sweetheart,” he said, laying down by your side and looping his arm around you so you could cuddle in close.

—

the chateau, for once, was actually not burning hot inside. so here you all were, you and jj cuddled up on a couch, john b and sarah the same on the other one with kie and pope to their left against the arm.

due to the heavy rain outside, you guys decided it was best to stay inside and just chill for a little until mother nature decided to move on.

everything was fine, everyone having fun and enjoying time together. that was until your best friend, sarah, glanced at you when you turned your head a little too much, causing the neckline of your shirt to drift down slightly. “holy shit, jj,” she exclaimed. “you’re like a vampire or something, dude.”

then john b had noticed it. “jesus, man. take it easy, will you? poor y/n.”

“oh my god,” kie jumped in. “did that hurt?”

“there’s absolutely no way that it didn’t,” pope added.

a blush began to settle over your cheeks as jj laughed and you buried your head into the crook of his neck.

“i call it art,” your boyfriend said. “i like to think i’m an arti—“

he was cut off when you slapped his stomach and mentally cursed at the embarrassment.

[boyfhee]

› HOW TO GET BACK WITH YOUR EX : five do's and don'ts

SYNOPSIS · You were all in for a new start; a new city, new apartment, new department and new colleagues— though, not under the best circumstances— you tried to make it through your early thirties while lost between whether to give up or go on, and then you meet Heeseung, who happens to be on the other end of the same street.

WC · 26.2K ( guys pls give this a chance )

GENRE · melodrama, angst, slice of life, romance, exes to ?

WARNINGS · lots of drinking, marriage talks, mentions of failed relationship and breakups; implications of sexual activity, very existential, mentions of suicidal thoughts, blood, lot's of tense changes ( since this transits between past and present a lot ) please read at your own discretion.

NOTE · i know i'm on hiatus but this was almost done and i had a sudden burst of motivation so here we are. my longest fic till date, i'm so proud of how this turned out. experimented a little with my writing style here, overall a fun experience. i hope you all enjoy this as much as i did, happy reading. ps the quote below is actually by john mark green, but let's assume it's written by hee for the sake of this fic. okay, good bye again, see you guys soon :›

playlist : tune in for better experience hehe

“ And if love may be madness, may I never find sanity again, ”

— Lee Heeseung, Red Wine

I.  Regret and Remorse

You don’t think you’ll ever become someone who’d look forward to the working experience that comes with job transfer. In fact, you don’t think you’d ever become someone who’d grow a liking to job transfer in the first place. 

Autumn of 2022 was supposed to be filled with vacation plans and a self-sobriety program in one of the many remote towns of Gangwon, away from the internet and daily complaints of your employer and family members. To put it simply— you’re tired of the life you’ve been living so far. Looking back, when you were a fresh graduate from one of the best universities of Incheon, life seemed to offer more opportunities than it does now. Your goals weren't any different from other people in the same age group as you, which majorly consisted of getting a job that pays well, maintaining financial security, getting into a good relationship, and perhaps visiting a few places on your travel list that you made in your first year of university. The idea of ‘ideal workplace’ leaves your mind the moment you step into the industry. Over time, you’ve realised that there’s no such thing as a job that fits to your liking and pays well, along with a hundred other benefits ranging from covering medical expenses to providing paid leaves. While that may apply to some, most of the crowd isn’t lucky enough to experience the luxuries of their dream job or workplace. Unfortunately, you happen to be just another person of that kind. 

You wake up, it’s the same old Monday morning— and no matter what day it is, it always feels like a Monday morning. You look through your same seven sets of office attires in your closet and pick one for the day; you go to the kitchen and find the same dish you had last night. You heat it up and eat the same for breakfast. Albeit, you find yourself at a cafe downstreet if you’re hoping for a change of scenery. You go to work, review the same old files, look at your same old colleagues and the same old boss who makes your blood boil. You aren’t the most sociable person and prefer to have lunch at the canteen, and coincidently, it’s the same old menu from four days ago. The day proceeds in the same old direction and you arrive at your apartment by six in the evening if your team leader doesn’t make you work overtime. You make dinner, sleep on the same old bed in the same old room with the same old feeling of dissatisfaction stuffing your stomach, and the same old cycle continues. 

Intellectually, there has been no progress— you've read scarcely half a dozen books, haven't made one new, exciting friend, haven't had a starling or unusual thought. Economically, things are no better— same old bills to pay, same old pay that hasn't been increased over years now. You get your paycheck and half of it goes into buying necessities. It's the same old job, same old routine of nine-to-five workdays, the cheese and ham salad for lunch, same dreary ride home. No change, nothing but routine, sameness, monotony— it's as if you're vegetating.

If you could go back in time and meet yourself when you were still a college freshman with high hopes and even higher aspirations, you would tell yourself to stop. Now that you’ve seen how the world works and have experienced the stagnancy of life, you wouldn’t want your young and carefree self to go through the pain of disappointment after encountering it yourself. You would instead tell yourself to switch fields since finance doesn’t seem to have a lot to offer. Instead, you would push your past self to go for liberal arts when you suddenly wanted to switch majors in the second year. Perhaps, in that case, your life would’ve been a tad bit better. 

Well, better than what it is now, at least, because currently, you’re sitting in the living room of your new apartment with a beer can in hand and tons of unpacked boxes around you. You’ve been thinking of unpacking for over an hour now, but every time your eyes land upon another beer, you’re back on the floor, chugging the drink down and regretting your life choices. Things would’ve been better if you had turned in your resignation instead of waiting till the last week of July for your pay; because now it’s August, and you’re in a new city with a new apartment, and the only thing you remember is the way to the nearest seven-eleven store from your apartment. You don’t want to think of this negatively, really, since you’ve been asking for a change, after all; and nothing is better than starting anew in a completely new location. However, you don’t want to work in the sales department when all you’ve ever worked about is finance. You don’t want to go through the pain of getting lost in the streets and chased by some dog, for you’re hitting thirty and you feel your bones cracking. You wanted a new start, however not in this field. A new start, for you, meant going on a vacation, detoxifying your mind off all the stress and tension, picking up a hobby, focusing on self-care— just anything that would help you change your views about life.   

Your silent remorseful session is interrupted by a knock on the door, and you’re certain you heard a doorbell, however you’re not sure if it’s the alcohol playing with your mind or whether someone is actually waiting at your doorstep. Forcing yourself to stand up, you stumble towards the door, the sudden decrease in blood pressure leaves a hint of dizziness as you step forward. Since you’ve just moved in, expecting anyone besides mails and landlord is pointless. While you remember having a friend living in the same city, you never told her your address so it’s unlikely for her to visit you either. You stand before the door, fixing your hair before moving down to the creases on your shirt as you unlock the door with a forced smile; and the time ceases to exist. 

“Hi,” Heeseung mumbles. 

You step aside to let him in, involuntarily— “Hi,” you breathe out before stressing your mind to come up with a reason for letting him inside. Could it be that you’re so lonely that now, you’re treating your ex as just someone you’ve been expecting to see? Maybe not, maybe it’s because you just moved in and despite the notes that you both ended on, it would be disrespectful to shut the door on someone who came with seemingly all good intentions. 

His steps are laced with hesitation. There’s a Château Margaux in his hands as you notice his fingers nervously tighten around the bottle before he turns around, albeit you avoid his gaze actively. “I heard someone moved in so I came to meet,” A pause, and then: “Didn’t know it was you.” 

He puts emphasis on the word as if it’s a bad thing. As if you’re an outsider trying to invade his peaceful life yet again, only to cause mayhem. However, the question is, had you known that Heeseung lives here, would you have moved in? Or, would you continue to live knowing Heeseung is your neighbour and that you would possibly see him for the rest of your life? You don’t know the answer to that one— not sure if you even want to find one, in fact. The last thing you need is to worry about bumping into an ex. You gesture at him to take a seat and to your surprise, he sits on the floor, exactly where you were having your drinking session before he came along. You grab the wine glasses from the kitchen before making your way back to the living room and sitting opposite to him. There’s a heavy tension in the air, one that is suffocating both of you, though you’re sure a major part of it is arising from you. After all, you let him inside as if he was an old friend, one that you were hoping to see, as if he isn’t your ex. 

Heeseung and you got together in your second year of university. You met him through a mutual friend on their birthday when they invited a few people from another department. You didn’t plan to go initially, you had presentations to make, but something inside of you prompted you to give in and had it not been for that day, you would’ve never come across Lee Heeseung in your life. The first time you met him at the bar, Heeseung seemed to be a heavy drinker— droopy eyes, messed up hair, a few things written on the palm of his hands— he didn’t even come across as someone who paid attention during lessons. However, much to your surprise, he excused himself early, sitting outside with a can of cold coffee he got from the vending machine in his hand while reading what seemed like economics notes compiled in pdf format. Perhaps, Heeseung knew he came off as a showoff when you found him chugging down his drink in an attempt to erase whatever effect alcohol could have on him. 

You sat next to him and all of a sudden, he started explaining how he doesn’t usually dip in the middle of gatherings with friends and step out to study. He simply happens to have a test the next day and his friends dragged him along. Simultaneously, you learnt that it was his first time drinking despite and he swore not to drink anything that wasn’t caffeine. It was nice, really; while Heeseung was busy worrying that you might dislike him for being such a show off, you were enjoying your time with him because in the end, you weren’t a big fan of drinking with your friends either. The two of you talked about wasted matters, complained about subjects and teachers, shared social media handles. It was fantastical, almost unreal, because you don’t remember the last time you clicked with someone so quickly. You didn’t have impressive social skills to initiate conversations, which consequently resulted in you being left out most of the time. It didn’t really matter since relationships and all were secondary at that time, for you had a set goal to work towards. You had always believed that people can make friends and fall in love anytime. However, life gives you just once chance to achieve your dreams. Disconnecting from the public didn't have any effect since you got your work done. While your friends wasted their nights at clubs, you spent it studying and completing assignments. You never felt the lack of friends and interactions eating you slowly. The loneliness didn’t hit you until you graduated with hands full of bills to pay and responsibilities to handle. 

After that night, you started seeing Heeseung more than usual. Despite being in different majors and completely different schedules, you saw him at the campus more often than you used to. It was as if he was always there, waiting for you to find him. Despite changing Twitter and Instagram handles, the two of you barely talked. There was no communication except interacting with each others’ posts, leaving a comment every now and then, tagging each other in stories. You would mutter a soft hello every time you’d bump into him and if fate allowed, you’d have a small conversation. There was no progress in your relationship until a few months after your first meeting, at one of the fests hosted by the Art Department. You had no one to visit with and Heeseung wasn’t interested until you came across him in the library, taking down notes of the lectures he had missed. He asked if you wanted to visit the fest, much to your surprise, and that was the first time you had hung out with Heeseung after knowing him for five months. 

“You seem excited for work,” It’s a question that leaves you confused until your eyes land upon the stacks of files and documents lying stray on the kitchen counter. The next thing you notice is that Heeseung’s voice has gotten a lot deeper, possessing all the necessary qualities of a voice a hiring manager would want to hear in interviews. 

“Do I?” You offer a rhetorical response, not knowing exactly what to say. For a brief second, you considered pouring yourself more drink and going off about your lethargic and unfruitful lifestyle. A chuckle falls off your lips as you stir the wine in its glass, feeling the weight shift from left to right before chugging the remaining liquid down. “I hate my job,”

You pour yourself another glass. Heeseung’s fingers flinch watching your hands reach for the bottle but he didn’t dare interrupt your actions. Another second passes in silence, another sip of wine hits your system. You feel fatigue fill your sinuses as you fight off sleep for another hit— another line of thoughts.  

You can go on for days, complaining about your job, despite knowing that looking down on your work and throwing shade on your boss isn’t going to get you anywhere in life. But at the end of the day, you have nothing else to talk about either. While your colleagues spent weekends drinking, going on dates, and watching movies, you worked your ass off to finish off a project and get a promotion; because promotions come with an increase in pay, and the thing you need the most at the moment is money. Even in school and universities, you used to spend your days and nights studying hard because in the end, the employers from big companies always look for candidates from the top universities, students who graduated with high honours and those who have a lot to offer to the market. Graduating from one of the best universities in Korea in your department should’ve helped you get a high paying job with several benefits. You didn’t lack knowledge, nor did you lack the brains to tackle the problems in finance. You graduated on top of your class so your educational qualifications weren’t below the bar either. If it comes down to experience, one can not expect a fresh graduate to have work experience. In the end, you’re left with the lack of information once again, not knowing why your life turned out this way when every step you took ensured success. 

“Then, why don’t you try doing something that you like?” Heeseung suggests, twirling the glass in his hand, unknowingly mirroring your actions. While he thinks he’s doing a good job at keeping the conversation going, Heeseung knows his advice isn’t worth a penny. Imagine telling a full-time employee to quit their job and do what they like! He thinks to himself, almost ready to take his words back, because he can’t even imagine himself doing the same thing for the sake of a better life. 

“You can’t depend on your likes and dislikes to make a living,” You chuckle yet again, voice laced with bitterness. Failure and disappointment were something you never had tasted until now. You remember the dissatisfaction you felt when your mother gave you sliced apples when you told her you were hungry. You refused to eat, but your mother said that when you’re starving, you don’t look for food that suits your taste. You just eat whatever you get; and thinking about it now, you think it applies to practical life as well. Survival in this world isn’t possible if you depend upon your preferences. Humans have the ability to adapt to various situations, and the key to adaptation is working under different circumstances, often that don’t suit your preferences. That is how you secure your position in the world. If things revolved around one’s likes and dislikes, you sure would’ve been a billionaire for you love to stay on your couch all day and dislike capsicums. 

“What about you?” You counter with the same question. “You look even more tired than how you were in university.” Now, your attention is on his dark circles and weary eyes. The Heeseung you remember from university was phenomenal, having an urge to do anything and everything. His eyes searched for opportunities, hands aching to work on something new. His never ending passion and a desire to know more made him an ideal figure for the juniors as well as someone who the seniors used to envy. However, the eyes of the Heeseung sitting in front of you are telling a whole nother story. They’re talking about the good times while his hands look tired from having a lot on his plate with no time for himself. 

“Work load,” Heeseung sighs, eyes fixed on his drink as he continues to twirl it around. Your gaze shifts to the corner of his lips, watching them curl into a faint smile. “Do you remember how we used to spent weekends hunting for part time—”

And then a pause. Your eyes avert to his’, meeting him in the line of contact; they resonate with just two emotions— regret and respect. You fail to decipher the meaning behind his gaze, you lost the ability to do so years ago. He presses his lips into a thin line, pressing his fingers against the glass in an attempt to suppress his emotions before looking away from you. The comforting silence suddenly weighs upon your shoulders with its hands around your neck, suffocating you to the point of breathlessness; and then you ask yourself— what am I doing? The clock strikes seven and it didn’t hit you how quickly the time flowed until everything dawned upon you. Once again, you’re left questioning your whats and whys about life, for after all, you didn’t expect to spend your evening drinking with your ex. You notice splatters of rain against your window pane as they blur the golden glow of the city scape behind. The rain falls louder, the room fills with the sound of clouds rumbling, you take another sip of wine— it takes you back to your days with Heeseung. 

You don’t know if it’s alcohol blurring your paths down the memory lane, but a part of job hunting with Heeseung also included applying for the same part-jobs and competing so see who gets hired. Although, both of you ended up receiving a polite rejection most of the time, it didn’t affect your relationship. Actually, you don’t think anything regarding job interviews or grades affected your relationship with him. It was a good, healthy race, one that allowed both of you to grow as individuals, for yourselves and for each other. There were days when you came home with the news about getting hired, only to know how his application was rejected or he was fired, and vice-versa. You both took your turns comforting each other— it didn’t feel like your life was any different from his. In fact, every second with Heeseung felt as if you both were living the same life. Watching him go through the exact same thing you went through a few weeks ago, or finding yourself in the same situation you found him merely a few nights ago; it was like watching just another version of yourself.  

Seconds catapult before you. Heeseung gets up and makes his way towards the door. No words are shared, the world is spinning too quickly, it gets harder and harder for you to retrace your steps to figure out how you ended up here. His name falls off your lips— it’s not louder than a soft whisper. You don’t know why you stopped him in his tracks. Is it intentional? Is it involuntary? Or is it because you were hoping for something else? You would never know, at least not now. Months expanded into years and the time when you dated Heeseung still feels like yesterday. It’s as if you woke up— there is his face next to you, the sunlight offering a soft golden glow to his eyes as they light up your whole words. His lips meet yours, a smile emerges under the tender kiss, Heeseung tells you he loves you and you couldn’t be happier. The day rolls by, your steps follow him everywhere he goes, breaths mingling into each other in secluded corners of streets, hidden from the world because it’s a love to be harboured in secrecy. Your hands intertwine with his. It’s two souls living as one, two hearts beating in synchrony. The night rolls by and you’re back in his arms, a little closer to heart, deeper into his mind. The moon sighs in admiration, night slips through his feather light touches as he traces every inch of your skin with love. The sun comes up— and suddenly you’re exes. You never had enough time to process his departure from your life, just the way you failed to process his impromptu arrival this evening. Heeseung is in front of you like the way he used to be. However, just like the first time, the universe agreed but the stars never aligned, and Heeseung is leaving once again as you fail to hold onto him one more time.

“Why don’t you resign if you don’t like your job?” Heeseung stops by his door, and you realise the words that leave his mouth are the same ones that people throw at you whenever they hear you complain about your work life.

“I was about to, but was transferred here. Thought I should give it a try before quitting.” While that doesn’t sound like the most convincing reason, it sure is a plausible one. You had been looking for a change— any change— and throwing away the chance to have one while it had been in your hand would be a bad decision, no matter how unfavourable it sounds at the moment.   

“Doesn’t that sound familiar? When I confessed, you said you weren’t sure about your feelings but would give it a try,” There’s a faint smile on his face, albeit you aren’t able to perceive the meaning behind his words. “I’m sure it’ll turn out better,” 

You take a step towards the door before shutting it completely. You don’t know why he said that, nor do you think you’ll ever get the chance to ask him. Perhaps you wouldn’t ask him willingly in the first place. You turn around, leaning against the door as a sigh escapes your lips. Heeseung has his own life, and so, his own views on different things. If he resents you, you’re in no position to try and change that for him. You don’t think you’re in a position to interfere with his life when you decided to walk out of it in the first place.

If regret was his part to play, then remorse was yours. 

II. Don’t be a ‘know it all’ 

Drinking with Heeseung feels like yesterday, when in fact, you haven’t seen him in four days. 

Life is busy, and it’s even busier for someone like Heeseung who works as a chartered accountant if your memories from last evening aren’t defying you. You can’t imagine yourself in that position, not like you want to in the first place. Excel sheets and tons of documents about taxes are all you could think of when you hear anything along the lines of accountancy, which is intolerable to you, given that you’ve majored in finance, ironically. 

A lot of things in your life are contradicting, actually. You don’t like to cook but cooking for close friends is something you’ve always loved. Examples follow, and at one point you realised that your life barely makes sense. Expectations from friends and relatives made you a try hard, so much that anything less than a perfect score made you feel suffocated. People had desires and interest in certain things, but you needed to be good at everything, and saying that it was for yourself would be a lie, because you had to set an example of an ideal person in front of your younger siblings. Your parents were strict to you and it didn’t feel unfair. You were ten when you saw your mother cry because of all the financial burden, but she had to be the perfect mother for her children, so you never saw her complain ever again. Fifteen year old you didn’t have a goal in mind but she knew that there’s a path ahead of her that leads her siblings on the right track, towards a better future, and so she took it— no aims and dreams of herself, just whatever she could’ve done for her brothers. It was hard at first but the formula to success was easy— hardwork and determination, and all you had to do was avoid distractions. Again, the reality didn’t hit you until you met Heeseung. 

It was as if you were both her two sides of the same coin. Persistence flowed in both of your veins, but every time you looked at him, you realised that he enjoyed everything he was doing. Heeseung enjoyed waking up at four, going out for a jog, attending classes, job hunting, staying up till two or simply not sleeping on some nights. Even on the darkest of the days and coldest of the nights, you would see Heeseung looking at you with a warm smile. He always managed to find a reason to smile, or make a situation humorous enough to make others smile as well. You don’t know how he did that, you never had the chance to ask, but you’re certain that even if he told you, you wouldn’t understand. Heeseung’s principles of living were beyond your comprehension— staying up late yet waking up right when dawn breaks, buying books but never really reading them, researching articles on topics that don’t concern your subjects even marginally— but that’s just his curiosity getting the best of him. 

Often, he’d find himself amidst a financial conflict like any other college student, but it never had an impact on his desires, and he used to say, ‘A sale wouldn’t wait for me to pay my bills so that I can buy my favourite shirt with the money left,’ as if his rent was going to pay itself. If someone asks about the biggest difference between him and you, it’s about desires. You suppress yours while Heeseung lives them like it’s the last time he could ever wish for something. You believe in the cause, while Heeseung did in curiosity, and that’s where it creates a line. Though lately, you’ve been hearing other things about him, new things, if you must say. 

The landlord told you about the Heeseung who’s quiet, who doesn’t leave his house until it’s about work, who eats the same menu for days until his system demands something new, who now has been prescribed actual specs because of his family history of hypermetropia. You find yourself smiling about it because back in university, Heeseung used to brag about his perfect vision, and you would say, ‘family health history is no joke. you take that shit down to your grave,’ and now when it has actually happened, you wonder what he has to say. Hearing stories about him made you realise that a lot of things changed, but Heeseung didn’t. Maybe, the situation demands him to live vegetatively, or maybe he’s saving up for a bigger plan. 

“They say you’re a loner,” You had said one time when you bumped into him on the lift. “That you never leave your apartment except for work,” 

Much to Heeseung’s surprise, a lot of things changed after he entered his thirties, the most prominent being his back pain, which may or may not have arisen from the lack of workout and constantly sitting in front of his desk for hours. He would smile at plants or sit by the balcony, watching the city being ever so lively and yet so monotonous. Afternoon naps became mandatory to continue proficiently for the rest of the day and before he realised, Heeseung became the old man of every highschool student’s imagination. Truthfully, he spent his first few months after graduation in his room, amidst sketching pencils and loose sheets. While other fresh graduates hunted for jobs or ways to fill their resume to fit the companies’ requirements, he spent his early months as an unemployed lad who graduated with top honours from one of the best universities in Korea. For the first time in life, he found himself looking at his ceiling and wondering, what’s next. Heeseung, who always had a plan for something despite seeming reckless, was about to step into adulthood with no plans to follow. 

“I guess I’ll be that,”

He was back in your apartment, same wine in his hand, same old complaints. It’s been quite a few weeks since you’ve moved in and Heeseung always finds himself in your living room at noons when he doesn’t sleep, making small talk about topics that usually stir a little interest. You haven’t had the time to go out with your colleagues and make new friends or explore the city, which gives you a perfect excuse to see Heeseung and call it socialising. Not to mention, you’ve been introducing him to your previous workmates as the ‘new friend’ you’ve made in the new place. 

“We both know you’re not that,” You continue, recalling all the reasons why Heeseung isn’t how people around describe him to be. 

“No one is the same after actually getting a life,” He replies while going through his emails, scrolling down with one hand before placing the wine glass by his side and proceeding to type something. “Look at yourself, for example,” 

You don’t know whether it’s a compliment or an insult. Perhaps the latter, albeit the chances of him noticing a good difference in you are low but never zero. Your eyes fix on his fingers, following them as he types something before clearing it all, and then typing all over again while mumbling the exact same words with an expression ranging from confusion to worry. You reconsider his words, he isn’t half wrong. 

Adulthood is climacteric. You think you’re an adult the moment you turn eighteen but in reality, you aren’t one until you’re in a position to make it through life profoundly, and ironically enough, you don’t think most people get a taste of adulthood until they hit their late twenties or enter their thirties. Your mind traces back to what he said— ‘yourself, for example,’ and suddenly, you become conscious of every single thing that has changed about you. You learnt piano but now your fingers don’t flow smoothly over the keys as they used to, given you haven’t played piano in years. You were a part of the science club in highschool and the student council president in your senior year. You wanted to go into aeronautics but seasons changed and one day, you looked in the mirror and saw the version of yourself who was about to graduate with honours in finance. Even after graduation you had a chance to switch fields but you didn’t, or rather, couldn’t. You were hired in the same year, which gave you even more reasons to continue since it would relieve your dad of the financial burden looming on his shoulders. Maybe, that’s what adulthood is supposed to do to you. You find yourself working in a field you have no interest or experience in and by the time you gain experience, you’re too old to grow an interest. 

Statistically, your school life was much better than college and onwards. You had, although little, but knowledge about all the subjects, a desire to know more, time to yield interest and a will to keep going on. To think, almost everyone in high school grows up under the same circumstances. They either have the opportunity or are given one to pursue what they want, taking it or not is up to them. For you, it was the former. You were given the chance to participate in the maths olympiad which you didn’t because of school exams. You were recommended to the best science institute in the country but you dropped out in just two months. Your music teacher offered you a chance to learn music professionally in Vienna but you never reached out to her on that again. You were given multiple chances to live how you wanted to but you simply discarded them and went with what proved to be the easiest way. 

That moment on a comparatively warm august afternoon, sitting next to him with wine, you went all the way back to all the instances and decisions that lead you to where you were right now. 

On the other hand, you shift your attention back to Heeseung, and even though you never got to know about his childhood or parents properly, you certainly knew that the way he experienced both of them was better than yours. Growing up as a single child gave him absolute control of things that he did and did not want. His decisions were not influenced by his parents, which could be classified as some sort of independence in regards to making his own choices from an early age, but neither did he have any siblings to set an example for. All his life, Heeseung has only lived for himself, and it reflects in his personality, if one tries hard enough to notice. While you had to give up one thing or other for your siblings, Heeseung got a taste of everything he wanted. He knows how it feels to not sleep all night but you never had the chance until much later because you were always thought to sleep on time and wake up early, whether or not you had anything to do. There may have been someone guiding him all along but most of the time, his experience gave him a clear insight and freedom to choose what he wants to do. 

To sum it up, you might be more qualified in terms of academics but Heeseung has more experience when it comes to diverse situations, and experience is all employers want these days in their employees. 

“Well, you still are the ideal candidate for marriage,” You chuckle, remembering what the lady told you a few days ago. You notice him marking a few emails before closing the app, picking the wine glass back up once again. It’s not a surprise to see someone like Heeseung being approached with several martial arrangements. He, despite being described as a loner by a few residents in the apartment, is still the guy with whom you would want to marry your daughter off. He works nine-to-five like any other family guy, is disciplined, comes from a good family and education background, and his looks work as cherry on top.  

“All they want is a guy with a stable job and salary,” He spat with a smile, chugging down the drink in his glass all at once. “That’s not who I want to be,” 

“Who do you want to be, Heeseung?” You ask above the silence lingering in the room, just loud enough to pique his interest. His phone screen lights up with a mail, but his eyes never leave your sight, not even for a second. 

People usually wouldn’t recommend talking to your ex, let alone sharing a deep, therapeutic session about life and self-development. If you say you’re starting as friends again, they would say it’s impossible because the bare minimum requirement to classify as a friend— the lack of romantic emotions— has already been violated. Even if you claim to be over Heeseung and treat him as just another one of your exes, you know there are unsaid feelings blooming in the air. You wouldn’t call Heeseung a friend, he never was one, actually. Heeseung was never there when you actually needed a friend but you never noticed his absence as your colleague, or as your boyfriend. Heeseung is terrible at being friends because he confessed to you the day he introduced you as ‘just a friend,’ to his friends. You wouldn’t consider being friends with your ex, yet you don’t think you could be anything more with him either. You started talking to him as a stranger but Heeseung has always been way too familiar to identity as a stranger. Too familiar for a stranger, too strange to be familiar, it’s another one of the things your life could be contradicting about. 

He looks at you, directing your question back to you as if you’re a better candidate to consult. ‘Who do I want to be?’ All your life, you’ve never done something that counts for yourself. Even your perfect sleeping schedule was meant to set an example for your brothers. Your achievements were never yours to begin with. You were good at piano, but that’s because your teacher taught you. You never composed a piece and simply played what has already been played. Even at work, you do what you’ve been told, and not what you want to. There’s no innovation, just flow of ideas from one level to the other, and it keeps being passed down to a level beyond which, it’s no longer fruitful. ‘Who do I want to be?’ You ask yourself over and over again, but it’s a question you don’t know how to approach. Rather, you would like to know, ‘Who am I right now?’

Just like that, October passes amidst wines and visits from Heeseung every other afternoon or evenings on weekends that weren’t swamped with work. For some reasons, workload increases as December approaches with his cold and calloused hands, which could be the reason why you’ve been seeing less of him lately. Occasionally, you would pour two glasses of wine and sit in the living room, but it would end up with you drinking yours in silence while his’ rests untouched. On nights you stay up till twelve or so, you could hear him unlock his doors in a hurry and shut it just as quickly. Maybe, that’s how a busy lifestyle is supposed to be. Consequently, you stopped waiting for him, coming in terms with reality once again. For a brief while, you considered flying back to your hometown and living with your family for a while, but the idea was dismissed as soon as the announcements about promotions emerged in your department. Once again, you found yourself working day and night with eyes set on no one but Heeseung to spend your upcoming Christmas with. 

Usually, you’re someone who prioritises family over work but a promotion is what you need the most at the moment. Time and patience, they say, but you have neither of those. You don’t have time to sit and rethink or start all over again, time to start from scratch, and patience was never one of your positive traits. At times, you would consider resigning and moving to a whole other country but it was too late to do that. You were no longer a stranger to society, you knew how things work and you had to make things work, with no time to try anything new. At thirty-two, no one wants to see you resign and fly to Maldives for a vacation, to live like you have no worries to worry about, not even yourself. See, that’s the pain of growing up. Parents would tell their children that they have their whole life to do what they like and just a few years to study and make something out of themselves, and it’s nothing but a lie. The truth is, you only have time when you’re young and, as you grow up, time starts slipping out of your hand. A kid is expected to be able to walk by the time they’re eighteen months old, or two years at most. Beyond that, it’s a problem and you have to consult a paediatrician, even if you don’t want to. A student is expected to graduate by the time they turn eighteen, people are expected to have a job by twenty-seven, you’re supposed to be in a relationship before thirty and married by thirty-five. As you grow old, the time to do something runs out and by the time you’re seventy or so, you realise you’re too old to do what you want. 

“I actually wanted to go back this time but, mom’s trying to convince me into getting married,” He said when you accidentally bumped into him this morning, signing off a delivery. Heeseung, in college, came off as someone who would be rather interested in marriages, someone who’d commit to a serious relationship in university and end up marrying them. You wanted to ask the reason but chose not to, maybe because you remind yourself that you’re exes and there are boundaries that should be maintained. 

“So, you just don’t want to get married,” It’s supposed to be a question, albeit it comes off as a statement. You lean against your doorframe, watching him carry his parcel inside and placing it next to his couch. Usually, you’d lend him a hand but today, you simply crossed your arms and waited for him to respond. 

“I don’t want to get married right now,” He replies between huffs. “I can barely take care of myself,” There’s a faint bit of fascination in his voice, a smile evident on his face that leaves you wondering if the slight humour was necessary or whether it’s supposed to be a facade for his rather unsatisfactory lifestyle. 

“Well, you are doing much better than me,” You counter with the same fascination, shifting your weight on both your feet equally in hopes to engage in a full fledged conversation instead of a small talk. “Besides, marriage is a two way street. Being the husband doesn’t mean you have to earn and be responsible for the whole family, or being the wife doesn’t mean she has to cook, there are no roles to play. Marriage is just, sharing what you do, good or bad, right or wrong, and helping each other become a better version of ourselves.” A string of silence follows, you notice his chest rise in an attempt to reply, but words never leave his mouth. You wonder if you said something wrong, but part of you knows you didn’t. Marriage is not as horrific and most of the people make it to be. We all need someone to hold onto, someone who you know will be there when the world isn’t— it’s similar to dating, except you’re committing to just one person, which is better than breaking up and living in vain for months before falling for someone and living the whole process all over again.  

“You seem to know a lot,” But Heeseung never replies and shuts the door, and it’s just you and the silence once again. 

You spend the next few weeks locked in your bedroom, in front of your laptop, making a presentation while living off noodles and beer. You sleep schedule has been in shambles, you’ve grown prominent dark circles, living the vicious cycle of working your ass off with little or no sleep to suffice for your constant workload. This is the most productive you’ve been in a while, especially after your transfer. You wouldn’t say your job pleases you and better, but being aware that this project could really end up with you getting a promotion and thus, a salary increase, is enough to keep you going. 

You were back where you had started a few years ago, reading reports and watching your laptop overheat from all the tabs and applications running at once. You knew what you were doing but everything felt so foreign. The excel sheets spread open with the pointer blinking for you to add an input but your fingers no longer dance above the keyboard like they used to in the first few months of your job. You consulted your seniors, talked to your team leader, watched conferences of qualified professors of your field, took notes, but it all led you to the same thing— deleting and rewriting the whole thing, or simply a blank document that would light up your room on  nights you chose not to sleep. You even considered talking to Heeseung at some point but after recalling the way he dismissed you the morning he was receiving the parcel, you choose not to. While most people wouldn’t mind taking ten minutes to offer a word of advice, you simply choose not to involve Heeseung with your personal issues. 

Taking half days from work using it as an excuse to work on your presentation gave you an opportunity to watch Heeseung leave and arrive at his apartment everyday. You’d sit on your balcony with beer, or tea, rarely, and your laptop on your lap, scrolling through emails and numerous files, and around seven every evening, you’d see him step out of the cab that drops him off right in front of the apartment. On mornings, you usually see him walk up to the intersection which you think is to compensate for the lack of exercise in his routine. Often, you find yourself peeking down from your railing to catch a glimpse of him as soon as the minute hand crosses seven twenty. When he doesn’t arrive by eight, you grab another can of beer and take rounds from your door to the balcony with a pacing that increases with every second that passes. One time, he came home at nine and you rushed to open your door before realising that you can’t tell him you’ve been waiting for him for the past two hours. Good thing is that you had your phone and continued on your way to the apartment garden, telling him that you have to make an important call. 

You met him as his ex and now you find yourself dropping everything and waiting for him as if he’s your first priority. That’s when you realised you needed to create a line, but for now, you don’t mind hanging out in the neighbourhood with Heeseung as his friend, according to how he now introduces you to people he knows. 

“You’re telling me you never went out and explored this place?” His mouth was agape, too shocked to say anything. There were days when your antics spilled out relentlessly, but living in a city for over almost four months and not knowing any of the routes besides the one to your workplace has to be the worst one of those. Even back in university, you preferred to spend weekends in your dorms instead of at some club or bar, like your friends did. It would be a stretch if Heeseung said you are a hopeless case because he was no better, but he wasn’t as bad either, in several ways. 

“Hm, well, work gave me a perfect excuse to not go out,” You say with your eyes glued to the data sheet on your phone and it reminds him of the day you saw him studying Economics outside the bar. These are a few of the similarities that Heeseung noticed between him and you, similarities that he likes to see but is too scared to address in words. “Besides, it would be a waste of time and fuel when you can get the exact same things at your doorsteps.” 

“Is that why you never went out in college either?” He asks finally after a long drawn silence, albeit it never hits you since you’ve been too busy going through the documents on your phone. “Hey,”

“Maybe, but that was more because of academic reasons,” A poke on your shoulder manages to draw a response out of you, but it doesn’t take Heeseung to realise that you’re no longer interested in his questions. “Should we get more beer?” 

Heeseung stares at you, wondering if you still want a response because you’re already picking up cans from the shelves and walking towards the counter for billing. Gradually, he realises that you don’t even remember asking him for his input because you’re simply paying the bills and thanking the woman for her service. Instead of a question, your words resonate more like a statement. As if, you are no longer asking for a third-party input, you don’t need it, you’re simply letting them know your next decision, disguising it as an action of. . . kindness? Soliticion? He doesn’t know.

Now that the sun is approaching the horizon, offering a purple hue to the ever so beautiful sky, Heeseung finally comes to terms with what he thinks about you. His mind traces back to the day you told him that he’s not who people make him out to be and for a brief second, he questions the credibility of your words. You claim to know him, but do you know that he has been living by the edge all this time, or that he has been fired thrice before getting a job in the bank he’s working right now, or that he tried to call you after you broke up with him, that he has been diagnosed with some sort of congenital heart condition? You didn’t lie when you said one’s family health history will follow them down to their grave. And just like you, he doesn’t know much about you either. Even though you’ve told him most of the things, ranging from your family to your current situation, Heeseung doesn’t know who you are. There’s an unfamiliar familiarity, or a familiar unfamiliarity, either works, he doesn’t have a better phrase to describe it. To think, while you consider yourself in a position to classify people’s thoughts on Heeseung as right or wrong, he doesn’t even consider himself in a position to pay for your food, and it’s probably because how you’ve been taking slow steps away from him, eyes still glued to your phone while you keep talking to him as if he’s right next to you, when actually, he’s twenty steps behind. The sun that has disappeared, leaving behind a sombre glow over the whole city, taught him something— that no matter how long you’ve known someone, you never know them enough. There are pieces of you that separate you from them, actions that tell you that no two people are mirrors for each other’s soul, for one’s body and mind knows how to differentiate between self and non self, and no one’s a ‘know it all,’ after all. 

“You’ve changed,” He mentions abruptly, and that’s when you finally look up in his direction, soaking in the awareness that Heeseung is no longer standing next to you. 

For some reason, the evening led you to a local restaurant and while you were busy on your phone again, Heeseung took his time reading the menu card. As he took his time ordering the drinks, your attention shifted to the view of busy streets on the other side of the glass window pane. You watched as the high schoolers had the time of their lives next to a vending machine, following the actions of the book store owner as he reopened his shop for the evening. You swear you heard Heeseung call out your name a couple of times, albeit it felt like a fever dream and you didn’t respond. 

Change, as he described you, you wonder what could’ve changed inside you. You don’t think there’s a lot. You still work like a maniac and refuse to go out. Your complaining nature never changed, but you still don’t voice your problems where you should. You still get terrible headaches and take a pill for every little inconvenience. In the end, you don’t think you’re very different from how you were when you met Heeseung. Except that your hard work barely pays off these days, you think you’re still the same, monotonic version of yourself that he fell in love with, the same you that dumped him on the day of graduation ceremony four years ago.

“You said I changed,” By the time your drinks had arrived, you were knee deep in the simulations that could’ve made Heeseung feel like you’ve changed. “In what aspects, if I may ask,” 

“Like, in general,” He replies with a nod. “I can’t point it out but something about you has changed— well, of course, your age aside,” Liar, he thinks. Heeseung, in fact, knows what has changed, but he doesn’t know how to put it in words. Well, I can’t say you’re no longer looking forward to my opinions on something. Because even though you met as neighbours, even though you’re in a restaurant with him, having a meal and sharing bits of your life’s stories with each other, even though Heeseung looks forward to seeing you everyday— he needs to remember that you started as exes. 

You manage to draw a long hum out of you, nodding cautiously as you take his every word into consideration. They don’t offer much insight about what he’s actually thinking, but again, you never know exactly what is going on inside someone’s head. However, you take your chance to try and get something out of him. “A good change or a bad change?” 

“That’s for you to figure out,” He says softly, tying his words with a long, silent pause that follows closely after. He shoots you a cheeky smile before digging in and you take your time examining his features under the yellow lights of the restaurant, noticing the way he cuts his steak, or the way his eyebrows perk up as soon as his phone rings. You watch him turn to his side as he picks up the call, putting hand on his mouth to minimise the sound, though it was loud enough for you to decipher it clearly. 

You read the slight changes in his expression and gradual curve of his lips swifting upwards. Amidst all, your phone rings as well, interrupting the decorum of the restaurant. You pick it up quickly when Heeseung sends you a displeasing look, though you believe it wasn’t intentional. You didn’t check the caller ID but the voice tells you that it’s your team leader and for some reason, you’re expecting something good. Call it a hunch or the change in scenery tonight but something tells you that there must be good news waiting for you in a secluded corner. While you try your best to focus on what is being informed to you from the other side of the line, you’re too busy analysing Heeseung’s grimace that now you’re mirroring the same smile that’s dancing on his face. He glances at you and his smile grows wider, making you do the same in return. You really hope your call isn’t about the presentation due tomorrow because if yes, then you’re going to mess up, for your attention is nowhere near your call. You’re so lost taking note of every single change in Heeseung’s expression that now, everything your team leader is telling you from the other side of the phone is a blur. It’s as if you’re in a crowded room and the only thing you’re able to perceive is him. You’re so busy indulging in his actions that the only thing you’re able to hear clearly from the phone is that you’ve been removed from the project.

‘I know that you’ve been working hard but the Chairman thinks you’re not skilled enough to collaborate with us on this project,’ You start paying attention to the conversation now, letting everything else around dissolve in the yellow glow of the restaurant. ‘To make sure your efforts aren’t wasted, you’re free to give us a brief view on what you had in mind and if we decide to include it, I’ll put in a word or two for you to the Chairman.’ 

‘Promotion,’ he mouths the word with a cheeky smile when your eyes focus back on him before getting back to his phone once again. You don’t put down your phone and pretend to be on a call to avoid hearing about his good news, or share the bad one from your side. You try to respond with the same smile but your lips feel like they’re frozen. No movements— you don’t know what to say, how to smile; numbness is all you could comprehend. For the first time in all the years that you’ve known him, a slight hint of envy intoxicates the air between you and Heeseung. You should be happy for him— you’ve always been. You’ve always been a part of his success despite falling to the rock bottom on your part. On days Heeseung called you to inform you about the awards he received in a particular competition, you’d invite him over for a celebratory drink even if you, yourself, lost terribly. It was a long drawn process of mutual development and self-care. What people thought of as a relationship written in the stars, was a selfish way of ensuring your well being in the most selfless ways ever. You stayed with Heeseung because he was the only person down to hang out with you in your apartment instead of forcing you to go out. You enjoyed his company because he motivated you to do better, to test your potential and go beyond your limits; and somewhere inside, you knew you were worth the same for Heeseung too. Watching him do well, isn’t that what you wanted? You should be happy for him— but you’re not.  

Heeseung excuses him outside the restaurant once his phone starts blowing up with texts and calls, giving you a chance to drop your facade and let the whole situation sink in. You lean back on your chair, phone on the table as its screen lights up with a message from your team leader, informing the team that you’ve decided to step down from the project— which is a lie but you assume it’s been told to save you for further embarrassment. You sniff, a chuckle falls off your lips, there’s no use of it at all, what’s done is done. On the other side of the glass pane, you could see Heeseung talking on his phone with a triumphant smile, making invincible patterns on the pavestone with the tip of his converses. It feels as if he’s shining against the busy streets behind him, as if he’s the centre of attention at the moment. It takes you exactly back to your graduation day— he was just as happy sharing the news about his graduation with his family. You were sitting inside a cafe and watched him talk for what felt like hours. Your heart was full of the same dissatisfaction, but now that you think about it, perhaps it was just jealousy back then too. While Heeseung was born smart, brimming with passion, you had to fight to get what you wanted. And despite being one of the brightest students in his class, Heeseung’s achievements never had a chance next to yours. You stood in the first three ranks of your school, first five all your college life, been recommended to prestigious schools, were given more opportunities, you were better than Heeseung in all the possible ways. 

You watch Heeseung come inside and pick up his fork, only to put it down and get back to typing once again. There’s a smile on his face and it tells you that you’re equally deserving of the happiness he’s experiencing, perhaps even more than him because life was way harder for you than anyone else you’ve known till date. For the first time in years, you think life is unfair to you because even after giving your best in everything, you’re met with nothing but failure and discontent. No matter how hard you try, your efforts never pay off and people start treating you like a pushover, thinking you would do everything they’d say because you need to put up a good image of yourself in your workplace. You walk hand in hand with failure and watch people succeed with their bare minimum effort. You look at him once again and think, why must it always be you who suffers the pain of failure and shame.

Why me, why not him? 

III. Remember why you broke up

By the time winters arrived and marked their peak, you barely got a view of your neighbour. A part of it could be because of his even busier work life that comes in with promotions. You took the weekend off, saying you have an annual health checkup scheduled at the City Hospital, even though it was a white lie and you never had an appointment with your physician to begin with. Those two days felt longer than usual with the four walls of your apartment making you feel suffocated in your own house. You paced around for hours on empty, rearranging things, cleaning rooms, cooking meals, moving furniture— just anything that would make you feel useful. Truthfully, being depressed over a promotion makes you feel even more stupid about yourself. It’s a part of life, something you involuntarily signed up for when you applied for your job and you can’t run away from it no matter how much you try. Being in the workforce comes with disappointment and pleasure, failures and success; it’s not your first time losing but it still feels like the burden of failure is occupying every little space in your room, making it harder and harder for you to breathe. 

You thought things would be better once you get back to work but everything starts caving in when you hear the team leader discuss details about the project. Initially, they would let you in their meeting, offering you a chance to share your ideas to see if they can cultivate anything better but it didn’t last long either. You started learning about their meetings after work from other colleagues and they started leaving you out of their discussions. On some days, you would sit by an empty table in the canteen and go back to every move you made, trying to track down the mistakes you could’ve made for them to push you away. You didn’t expect them to keep you updated on everything since you’re no longer on the project team, but it would’ve been better if they had simply said that you’re not needed anymore instead of watching you run around cluelessly before you caught a hint. Everything would’ve been a lot easier if you didn’t have to drag yourself around to survive and make a living. On days like these, you would imagine Heeseung in his cabin with a complacent smile, laughing with his friends and receiving compliments. You don’t know why but at one point in time, you started picturing yourself in his shoes while idly resting in your apartment. 

Occasionally, you would hear his footsteps outside your door and stop everything you’d be doing to hear him unlock his door and walk in. Having Heeseung with you was slightly better than living alone and drowning in your overbearing thoughts, but you decided to maintain your distance. Heeseung— apart from being your ex— was someone capable of doing something, anything. You’ve known Heeseung for years and the once carefree young adult found a purpose in life. He had goals to achieve, perhaps a to-do list to complete; you didn’t want to disturb his decorum with your lethargic lifestyle. On some days, he would knock on your door and you’d pretend to be asleep. He would stand for a minute longer and knock again, you would focus on the sound of him tapping his shoes until they faded behind his doors. You started with leaving him on seen and stopped reading his texts altogether. For a few days, it felt refreshing— as if he was never a part of your life to begin with— but the loneliness didn’t hit you until he stopped dropping by your door. And you realised— you were never able to get him out of your life properly. After you broke up, you moved away, blocking all means of contact, but met him at a reunion, and something inside of you prompted to get his number, and so you did. Even though you never talked, you found yourself staring at his number with your fingers hovering over his caller ID. 

It took you years, but you think you’re coming to terms with the truth, that you can never get Heeseung out of your life, and it’s not because you can’t, but instead it’s because you don’t want to. Life without Heeseung felt like a maze, but with him it’s as if you’ve found a way, and you would never admit but having him next to you was so much better than living alone with alcohol. 

When his absence overwhelmed you, you would try burying yourself into stuff as a distraction. It started with books, then painting, followed by poetry, before you would slump on your couch again with no motivation to do anything. Job wasn’t any better or busier. People had little expectations from you and you had even less. At times, you would pace in your living room, trying to complete a presentation or prepare an excel sheet. The deja vu caved in when you’d hear Heeseung’s cab stop by the apartment entrance, except you no longer ran to your balcony to catch a glimpse. You no longer sat on the balcony with tea, waiting for him to arrive. As time passed, you stopped paying attention to the sound of him unlocking his door. His footsteps dissolved in the heavy silence, too miscible for you to perceive. Occasionally, you’d find yourself thinking about him in the shower or before bed, but the thought of him never lasted long enough for it to dawn upon you. Before you knew it, Heeseung became just another neighbour you had, another resident living in the fourteen floored apartment.  

One evening, you bumped into a woman who was standing in front of Heeseung’s apartment. You didn’t see her face, for you were standing behind her with grocery bags, but you could picture what she looked like. Your eyes settled upon her chiffon shirt and the way it complimented figure, her stilettos, a handbag from Lana Marks, you couldn’t help but compare yourself to her. The thoughts about her knowing or being related to Heeseung didn’t cross your mind until a few minutes later. She, despite being someone you never met, was the exact image of how your younger self had imagined herself in future. 

“Excuse me, does Lee Heeseung live on this floor? I just want to confirm,” And her voice is just as captivating. You find yourself staring at her face longer than you should, losing the sense of reality because of all the questions hurdling inside your mind. 

Who even are you?

“He does, but he’s at work right now,” You reply with a bitter smile.

Who are you to him?

“I see,” It seems like she’s about to say something, and you’re not up for a small talk with a stranger, or Heeseung’s girlfriend, or his ex-girlfriend, your ex’s other ex girlfriend, whichever fits the scenario better. Actually, you’re not half against the idea of him dating someone else, not like your refusal will mean anything either. Truthfully, the idea never crossed your mind. You spent your days working days and nights to get the degree you’ve been aiming for, apply for jobs, fueling your hunger for having more and more. 

Maybe, that’s why college is supposed to include one of the most youthful years because after all, it is the only time when you’re free from most of the worries. You didn’t have stress about attending classes regularly or having proper notes like you did in highschool, nor did you have to worry about fitting into the workforce and numerous interviews. College, for you, was the time you could see yourself falling in love, and you did, and now that you stand in your marginally empty living room with your gaze reaching up to the farthest of the buildings touching the sky line, you realise that you don’t see yourself falling for someone the way you did for Heeseung. Perhaps that’s why your conscience refused to imagine him with someone else. Maybe because he had such an impact on you that you don’t see yourself with someone else, you sort of hoped that the time he spent with you had half, if not the same, impact on him as well. 

The evening passed by with you sitting in front of your laptop, scrolling through the document your boss sent you the same noon. The beer cans lie stray on the tiles, right next to you as you shiver under your beige cardigan. You’ve been wanting to close the balcony for a while now, except you don’t want to get up from the cushion that has warmed up with you sitting on it for two hours now, especially in this cold weather. You’re not busy, but you’ve been trying to indulge yourself into little work here and there. Even if it’s just moving your furniture from one corner to another, or going through a file that you’ve already reviewed the previous evening, anything that could make you feel less lonely is welcomed. 

These are the moments when you zone out involuntarily, thinking about Heeseung, or more precisely, his work life. You picture him in his cabin with a cup of coffee, skipping lunch because he has files stacking up on his desk. You imagine him amidst his colleagues at a local bar after working hours, having his drink of relief that hits his system with a wave of satisfaction after a long and busy day. You think about him a little too often for someone who’s trying to forget him. Usually, the thoughts are laced with traces of envy. Today, they’re drowning in something between regret and jealousy. You take a sip from the can in your hand, and suddenly, the image of Heeseung with the lady from earlier pops inside your mind. You’re not sure if they dated, or if they are dating, but you do know that they’re more than friends. Perhaps, it’s just a hunch, an intuition that’s terribly wrong and is driving you to insanity because of all the stuff you’re thinking about. You know you should stop but you can’t help but picture them together. 

Now, you’re thinking about their life together as a couple, the stuff they’d do, the things they’d say. You feel like an intruder peeping into their lifestyles, someone who’s uninvited in their story, a third person. You think about them doing everything you and Heeseung did together, but again, neither of you had a lot of things in your hands to begin with. You had your problems, he had his part-time job, a sorry excuse of a college major that both of you found interesting, along with each other’s shoulders to cry on when needed. While your stories started off as any other tale of love with paths decorated with flowers, it was far from how they portrayed love life in universities in the media. In reality, you barely have time for each other and if somehow you do, you know in the back of your head that you’re missing out on other things. College is, actually, just a bunch of things to do with limited time, and the time is running out of your hands while you sit on your bed and contemplate life decisions, crushing over some person from one of your classes, thinking about the bartender from that cafe downstreet, making up for everything you didn’t get to do during highschool. 

You and Heeseung didn’t have a lot of time to offer each other. Texts were shared, he’d face time with you every morning and you’d call him if you couldn’t see him after classes. Hugs shared in hallways reduced to apologies at your shared apartments, you both went from making out in club rooms to barely getting a glimpse of each other on weekdays. Initially, when he would get back after extra classes, you would be at the door, waiting with your arms open. After sometime, you’d be in your room, busy with your work while he would be lost in his own world of things to tend to. At first, Heeseung’s presence made you feel better about yourself but later on, it didn’t matter if he was there or not. It all felt the same, and the worst part, neither of you tried to work on it. Both you and Heeseung started to get used to the lack of each other. 

Your fingers tighten around the can, your mind goes back to thinking about the lady. Maybe, the lack of affinity in your relationship gave Heeseung a reason to give up and move on. Perhaps, she was everything to him that you couldn’t be, maybe she keeps standing at her doorstep to welcome him after he returns from work, that the two of them seek for each other instead of getting used to whatever has been offered by the circumstances. Could be that every kiss meant as a thank you for being in each other’s life instead of a sorry for not being able to see each other for days and more. Maybe, he is happy with her and you have no right to be jealous because in the end, you gave him every reason to try to forget you. 

Another shot of beer down your throat, another can added to the emptied stacks, your senses start fading into nothing when you hear distant clicking of doors, or perhaps it’s the hangover blanketing the sound for you. With the last bits of energy and soberness left in your system, you get up and open your door. 

“Didn’t expect you to remember me after all this time that you’ve been ignoring me,” Heeseung snaps at you playfully, or maybe, with a hidden sense of disappointment. You have the answer to his question if he asks why you suddenly opened the door when he didn’t even ring the doorbell, or why you’re here standing at your doorstep with nothing but a thin cardigan in this chilling weather. You’re just hoping he won't ask you for the reason you refused to see him until now, because you don’t have an answer to that. 

“Someone came, looking for you,” You say, and meanwhile, in the back of your head, you think of reasons why you actually ran to see him the moment he arrived from work. You don’t want to admit it’s because of the woman from earlier today, you don’t think she’s the reason behind the sudden changes in your mannerisms in the first place. “Some lady,”

A pause, you notice realisation seeping through the cracks of his skin. A second passes, and then another, his eyes tell you that he knows who it could be. “Right,” 

And, Heeseung steps inside your apartment as if it’s yours, and you step aside, letting him in, as if he has always belonged there, and it feels as if the walls have started to fade out the moment he takes a seat on the couch, taking a sip from the bear can you offer him with eyes ever so indulged in him, as if he has returned home after months. Heeseung exhales deeply before letting the words fall off his lips. “We dated for a while,” 

You expected that much, judging from her mannerism and the way she took your name. You had expected them to be in a relationship, or had pictured them as exes who are planning to get back together, a luxury you could never afford. Consequently, you bury those thoughts deep inside, taking a seat next to him, and for some reason, you feel breathless in your own house, on your own couch, with your own bear intoxicating your systems. It’s something Heeseung has always done to you; making you feel out of place. 

You want to yell at him. 

Looking at Heeseung, you don’t know what exactly made you fall for him in the first place. For example, say, you can claim that he dislikes drinking out late with friends and is the type to study even during gatherings based on just one incident. You can sit back and claim to be almost, if not just as, similar to him, pointing out the similarities while completely ignoring the differences, crossing them out of your list of reasons why. But considering everything now, Heeseung has always been different, and a better different. He received good grades even after spending empty hours at your apartment, watching you study. You complained about having day long picnics with him, saying the two of you could use that time more efficiently. As a result, there were nights you could cry yourself to sleep because you were unable to look at your relationship from his point of view. You would kiss him but it’s an apology for the upcoming week that you wouldn’t be able to see him, and you would cancel dates just to study another chapter beforehand. Every single second spent next to him reminded you of all the sacrifices he made for you and every thing you did to disregard his efforts. No, you weren’t a bad partner, his timing was wrong, but saying that would be just another excuse to soothe your aching heart. Looking at him now, it takes you back to all the days you’ve spent together in pain and pleasure, between yes and no’s, do’s and don’ts, a choice between leaving and staying for a little bit longer; the memories are bittersweet like your favourite wine, or rather, they resemble a cold autumn breeze that makes you shut your doors and windows, keeping you from enjoying your favourite season. Time spent with him was short, though nice, but thinking of him makes you blue. You said you wouldn’t see him again but you’re still here, next to him, stuck in the past, still young, still making mistakes, still growing, not knowing if you’ll ever learn. 

“So, how was work today?” You ask, partially because you don’t want to think about him and partially because of the slight curiosity you have regarding his work life, about how it feels to do something he likes, something that doesn’t feel like a chore. 

“You’re not going to ask why we broke up?” He questions back. 

“I figured that it’s your private matter,” 

“She said I didn’t love her,” He says it factually, as if it’s something you’re supposed to know. “That I used her to pass time while waiting for someone else,” His words are unclear, insinuating towards something that you dare not assume, but his eyes are telling you that it’s your fault. 

And for once after you broke up with you, you wonder if Heeseung resents you for calling off your relationship. The thought of him hating you has never crossed your mind, be it your pride or habits to avoid taking the blame. You don’t resent him, he can’t either. You loved each other, you got over it, you broke up, that’s life. That’s the flow of the universe, to meet people and leave him to meet someone else and to keep meeting a new person until you find the one you could stay with. If he thinks you’re the reason why he hasn’t been able to move on, then he’s no different from you, for the thought of him dating someone else has been bugging you ever since the two of you had a drink together on the night you moved in. 

To you, love was inordinate. I love you, Heeseung would say, and you’d ask, how much— he wouldn’t find the words to answer you then. You can go on, pretending none of this ever happened, draping sheets over all the memories about everything you and Heeseung were, in the back of your mind, and fall in love with him all over again, living as all the things you could’ve been. You’ve put too much faith in your love for him, knowing that even after spending the sunsets alone, your mornings will always commence in his arms. There’s fear lurking around, you chose to ignore it. So resentment, in your relationship, was a bliss neither of you could have. For every day that you stood him up, Heeseung paid you back multiple folds. Every moment spent in his arms struck you back with arguments that seemed to get bigger, and none of you were ready to work things out. The pain was mutual, you both hurt each other, then why does it seem like only you’re in the wrong? 

“Turns out, I never gave you a congratulatory gift for your promotion. I should be having a bottle of wine if I’m not wrong,” You get up from your couch; a subtle attempt to change the topic and drive the atmosphere in any other direction except the one it was flowing into. 

Silence takes over, you’re in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, he’s on the couch, the sound of water dripping down your kitchen sink hits your ears as you get conscious of the periodic sounds of the clock ticking. Maybe, wine is just an excuse to get away from Heeseung and everything that his presence takes you back to. It feels like university all over again, where you could spend hours in silence next to each other, though this time, you’re apart, but still, under the same roof. The sense of something being terribly wrong looms in the air, but none of you could bring yourselves to say something, because you both need a shoulder to lean on. There are heavy untold words housing the back of your mind, unasked questions that haunt Heeseung in his sleep, suppressed emotions both of you know couldn’t be expressed so easily this time ‘round. 

There’s no wine at your place, but you put water to boil while preparing hangover soups for both of you. His exhausted grimace tells you he needs it, and you need it even more than him. You’re taken back to the days when either of you would have a run down to the nearest convenience store to the university to get beer and then spend the night before the test amidst alcohol and sheer stress weighing your shoulders. You would refuse to waste your time instead of studying but one look at Heeseung and you’d lose your composure. Blurred words about how both of you should be studying for exams would escape your lips between sips from your cans and, Heeseung would simply laugh at your failed efforts to pull yourself together. On days, you think about the possibility of you and him and you could’ve been if time had allowed, wondering if you could’ve made things right by attending the reunion last year instead of making excuses to pass just because Heeseung was going to be there. You consider every single scenario where he and you could’ve been together if time had allowed, and if either of you had taken a step towards making things right, then again, a voice from the back of your mind would tell you to give up. 

You hear Heeseung let out an exaggerated sigh. “I resigned,” 

“What?” And it feels like your lungs have collapsed. “I mean, you’ve been promoted then, why?” You don’t get it. Resigning from a job that had everything to offer seemed too incomprehensible in your knowledge. Had it been you— had it been anyone else— would think the same.

You’ve spent months in despair, searching for a purpose in the way you make money, a reason to keep going on between oceans of failure with pieces of your shattering will staying afloat. You’ve spent nights staying up, working on a presentation and giving it your everything to secure a better position in your department. Not a day has passed when you didn’t feel like you’ve lost the purpose of everything and yet, kept going with the flow of life to see if something good lies at the other end. And Heeseung would say, who cares about the standards of normal people, but recruiting managers don’t look for something out of the ordinary. They’re not looking for someone who would operate things based on whether it fits their sense of satisfaction, someone who would resign after getting a promotion when other employees struggle to get one. You would consider having a long talk about the choices he made and one he should’ve gone with, but instead, you sit in front of him on the cold winter tiles. 

“Promotions can make you feel good for a while, but they can’t satisfy you in the long run,” He says it easily, a little too carelessly for your comfort. “I just want to do something I like,” And once again, you come to the conclusion that these are the reasons why you and Heeseung wouldn’t have made it even if you had tried.

He’s too different. 

Heeseung has nothing to lose, never had to begin with. When you saw yourself for a whole month, doing everything in the same way, he was out enjoying his life. Now that you’ve managed to pull yourself together and learnt to handle your emotions, though not by a long shot, he shows up and tells you that he has resigned from his perfect job, or rather, a job that would’ve been perfect for you, at least. You would’ve been a better employee, you’re efficient, you don’t make decisions impulsively, have excellent qualifications, know how to separate work and private life, how to separate likes and dislikes from needs and necessities. You wouldn’t have resigned because if you did, you would’ve lost your only source of income, your last straw, something that has been keeping you from returning back to your stagnant lifestyle. You would’ve been a much better employee than Heeseung. 

You’ve seen him living like he has no worries. You’ve seen him switch clubs, change hobbies, drop subjects until he settled with something that satisfies him. Heeseung is about kissing his lovers between paintings at an art museum, promising forever, but he’s so quick to change his heart. Heeseung knows what’s important and what’s not a little too much, he knows what he needs and things that have no use for him anymore. Perhaps, it’s a sense of fearlessness that you acquire growing up the way he did, exquisitely happy and desperately carefree. You think it’s just a waste of time and resources for people like Heeseung because they don’t understand the value of certain things just because they’ve received it too easily. You wouldn’t disregard his efforts because you’ve seen him work hard to make ends in university. Even though things were a tad bit easier for him compared to you, you know it was the hardest time he had during university. You admire Heeseung for his consistency and passion, but you despise him for throwing away something you’ve seen people cry for; something that you’ve cried for, over a hundred times. While you may come to respect his choices when you wake up the next day, but right now, you wish that he was in your shoes, living life the way you’ve been living, suffering, struggling, suppressing. 

“People just don’t get by through society with their likes and dislikes,” There’s a touch of envy in your words, you hope it wouldn’t get past him. You grew up doing everything that would result in a secure future instead of something that satisfies you, to put it straight. The managers at interviews don’t look for candidates with most unique or extraordinary likes and hobbies, but rather they’re in search of someone with experience, ironically, and someone who can adapt to different circumstances without diminution of their efficiency. 

And you think, the childhood people have, or the way they grow up, what they go through and the circumstances they lived in, it really shapes their future selves. Growing up in a financially suboptimal family made you believe that money is everything, and people can try convincing you otherwise but their views wouldn’t alter the truth. Even if you wake up and try to think that money isn’t the most important thing, you would learn to believe otherwise the moment you open your empty refrigerator by the end of this month. You didn’t waste time having highschool romances and university love stories. You’ve had your fair share in having crushes and one night stands until you met Heeseung, and thinking about it now, a part of you knows it was a better decision to stay with him instead of hoping you had someone by your side on days when you didn’t feel like yourself. Perhaps, you did use him like a part of your conscience claims. Maybe at the end of day, away from all the concepts of love and lust, that’s what he was to you, a band aid that needed to be replaced before it infects the very wound it was healing. 

“You’re going to regret it,” It’s a breathy confession, a bitter truth. “Decisions made impulsively, they always leave heavy regrets,” You’ve been walking hand in hand with regrets. You’ve made decisions, many of which you thought would offer great results but instead, left with heavy regrets. You know better than giving up on the perfect job in search of something you’d enjoy doing, or walking in another direction knowing it’s the longer way home. Life has given you your fair share of events to think back to whenever you sit back, planning to do something new. Sometimes, you wonder why all of this only happens with you, and as an answer, you think that maybe, you’re the only one who would take life for its lessons and losses and still keep on going as if nothing ever happened. 

“Then, did you ever regret breaking up with me?” You see, Heeseung was never successful in comprehending the whole logic behind love. He was told it’s warm, but he knows love is the loneliest place a person could ever find themself in; he read that it’s kind, but Heeseung has spent nights spilling tears on his pillow, all because of love. It’s self contradicting; love is supposed to make you feel happy, but it stings. It gets under his skin, makes him unsteady, makes him question everything he has ever believed about love. He didn’t see it coming. Truthfully, Heeseung didn’t see you coming into his life. You were a boon and a blessing, the one who made him feel reckless and out of control; the one he is infuriatingly and inexplicably drawn to. Ironically enough, you’re not the one who tucks him in bed, but instead the reason why he cannot sleep at night. So, Heeseung needs to know if his presence made you feel the same way, or if he was really just another passerby in your melancholy. 

His question is the words you’ve been avoiding to notice ever since you called off your relationship with him. It has been hiding in the back of your head, popping up every once in a while when your heart aches for love and when your arms feel emptier than the streets after midnight. And amidst your heavy heart and cold tiles, your hands find their way to his. A faint apology falls off his lips, whispered in your ears. The moon watches you slip his shirt off his shoulders, your lips tracing along his neck while his hands find solace in your curves as if you’re the home they’ve been yearning for; an old spark ignites again, a beginning of something tragic. 

As the night dwells further into the darkness, the two of you are pulled back into the old cycle of healing and hurting, the give and take where both of you would be standing with your hands stained with losses by the time it ends. Your steps are heading towards actions you couldn’t reverse, and the very reason you broke up flashes in front of your eyes, though faded enough to have you ignore it. Guilt trickles through your fingertips, seeping through the cracks of his skin, his eyes gleam of remorse, and the moment your lips meet his’, fate decides to play into the hands of your history once again. 

IV. One step at a time

It didn’t feel right watching Heeseung being so busy even after resigning from his job. You always see him on his laptop, typing or reading something. Morning to evening, from noon to night, you’d see the lights in his apartment switched on, faint rumblings of furniture and numerous phone calls filtering through his walls and entering yours. He was busy, he was planning something huge, and you didn’t like the sound of it. 

You’ve come to a point in life where you can finally accept your pettiness and slash or, your jealousy. Maybe, it’s one of the few emotions you’ve been feeling over the past week, and now, you finally know the reason why. Waking up this morning, you imagined yourself in his shoes once again— without a job, without a secure financial flow, without a purpose or strong sense on what to do next, just as someone in the workforce who’s contributing to nothing. The furthest your imagination took you was to your terrace, you don’t know how you would live through a life like that. 

Some things about Heeseung have never made sense to you. While he might come off as someone who has plans prior to everything, you always see him as someone who lives his life based on a hit and trial concept. He does one thing, and if it doesn’t fit to his liking, he switches to other, and then other, and then he has a never ending cycle in his hands. You weren’t there when he got a job but you know how Heeseung looks when he is passionate about something. The evidence lies all the way back to university, or during the few months that you’ve witnessed him go to work before quitting abruptly. You’ve spent evenings trying to deduce a conclusion as to why he resigned, and every possibility leads you to the answer that it was a decision made in spur of the moment. A part of you thought about asking him for a reason if he ever had one, but you ultimately realised that a person like him doesn’t need a reason to choose something that he likes; no one does, except you. People don’t put a second thought when it comes to choosing what they like and what they don’t. They date their crushes, eat their favourite food, watch their favourite movies, attend concerts of their favourite artists; favourite, it’s a word that tends to solve most of the trivial problems that arise throughout one’s life. Perhaps, that’s another reason why you decided not to ask Heeseung about the night from two days ago. Even though you made the move, the most he can say about complying and giving in to your acts would be because he wanted to do so; no reason, no plans, nothing. 

Maybe, it was your fault. You could’ve taken one step at a time, starting from dinner, then something else— you don’t know what people do to get back with their exes. You’ve never done that, would have never if it wasn’t for Heeseung, because something about him has you gravitating in his direction. That’s why, you sit on his couch, the TV remote in your hands as a random show plays on the screen. Your eyes are rather focused on Heeseung, who sits by the kitchen counter, typing something on his laptop for the past hour. He has been busy with that lately. You pictured unemployment as lying on your bed all day, or pacing around your apartment uselessly, having the days feel longer and watching the time pass because you have nothing better to do. But, Heeseung is way too busy for someone who has recently resigned, he’s even busier than how he used to be. You asked him about it once, and he said it’s something he has been wanting to do for a while now. Heeseung never gave you the context, but you know he is putting his time into writing drafts for his book. 

Occasionally, you anticipate a small talk with him, but with no signs of Heeseung being interested in anything except his drafts, your eyes instead run all over his living room, taking a note of every single detail that exhibits his taste in interior decor that has changed over time. The wine coloured curtains are a little too vibrant to fit his choices of decors and furniture. You remember him planning out the living room layouts with you back in university when you were still together, when life was beautiful and you were impossibly happy. 

You find it amusing how quickly things change. It’s been years but if you’re being honest, it feels like just yesterday, you were accepted in the university you’ve been aiming for, as if just yesterday, you earned the scholarship, and just yesterday, you had met Heeseung. Your heart still picks up a pace at the sight of him.You’ve spent months thinking about the time you spent with him, regretting every move that led you to the decision to break up with him. You’ve had your fingers just centimetres above his caller ID, just impulses away from making a call, seconds away from asking him to get together back again, heartbeats away from giving into your desires. It started with your falling for him first, and you kept falling harder and harder until you realised that you were at the bottom of the pit and it was getting hard to breathe. You spent years trying to make your way up, step by step, and when you were finally by the edge, he came back and pushed you back to where you had started. You would say you hate him but a part of you wants to believe this could lead to something better than how it was last time, because things have started to feel a lot like love, and you’d like to take a chance with your broken fate yet again. 

“Heeseung,” You call once, voice low and quiet like a whisper, one that dissolves between the sound of television. You expect him to hear, but your words fly by his ears as if they’re of little to no importance. “Heeseung,” You say again, this time a little louder, eyes fixed in his direction, watching the seconds pass and waiting for a reply. For a second, you wonder if he’s pretending to not hear you deliberately, but you push yourself to sit up straight, hoping he’d hear you this time. “Hee,” 

And he whips his head in your direction. It was for a brief second, but you could see a hint of surprise in his eyes. You would’ve said you have accomplished something if Heeseung had spared you a little more attention, but his eyes go back to his laptop and before you know it, his fingers start dancing above the keys yet again. 

“What are we?” You ask, half hopeful, half defeated. You don’t know where the question comes from, or why you are even asking it. Your heart isn’t hoping for a happily ever after romance, your mind isn’t looking for a redemption arc. You’re not hoping for a good response, you’ve learnt to keep your expectations low after everything that has unfolded in the past. You’re not hoping, you tell yourself, but your soul knows otherwise. 

A second passes, then another, your mind starts coming up with answers to your own questions. What could you be? To strangers, you’re neighbours; to your friends, you’re exes; to yourselves, it’s a broad question. You could tell your mind that you’re in a friends-with-benefit relationship that has a terrible lack of communication and get away with it, but your heart knows it was supposed to be something wrong. 

“You tell me,” A soft laugh falls off his lips, it makes him sound like he’s lost as well, just like you. You take it as a good enough response but Heeseung stands up from his chair, making way towards his bedroom as if you aren’t even there, as if your question holds no meaning. You would’ve assumed his response meant that even if you both are without labels at the moment, you could be something in the future. Maybe, your actions from two nights ago would’ve lead to something good if he was less busier, but for now, all they do is guide you to the answer to your own question: 

A temporary fix. 

That’s what you both are. It’s exactly how it was back in university, a sense of mutualism with no sense of responsibilities. Things were obligatory, dates were barely a show to the world for your sorry excuse of a relationship. It started off like a fairytale, as if you both were supposed to meet, meant to fall in love, made for each other. In the first few weeks or even months, having Heeseung next to you felt like a blessing. A luxury to come home to someone, to have someone you can vent to about that one professor who kept dismissing your essays, someone who you can talk about your endless project and seminar ideas and they would reply with the same enthusiasm, someone who could make you feel like you’re seeing the world just by staying within the four walls of your messy apartment. Dating Heeseung had you believing in all the romance tropes you’ve ever come across, so much that you forgot that you’ve been living in a painful reality. 

You tried not to ponder over it so much. You went back to work once the weekends passed, back to your old excel sheets and same old job. Occasionally, you would wish he stayed next to you until you finished your work just like he did back while you were still dating, but you knew it was too much to even hope for. You would say, you’re going crazy. Perhaps, you shouldn’t think so much about the one-night-stand sort of thing you had with your ex, your neighbour. You both are adults, one without a job and other without the will to do the job, both brimming with unsaid feelings, tied to loose ends, holding onto unasked questions for answers, troubled by old memories and the future that was about to come. He deserved an explanation, you had an excuse to share. Whatever happened, was bound to happen. 

Sometimes, you wonder if Heeseung thinks about it as much as you do. Memories from that night haunt your mind like spirits, making it hard for you to focus on anything and everything else, yearning to feel his touch one last time. There are evenings when you’d come home in hopes of having a conversation about what would happen to the two of you in near future, but then you’d see his eyes glued to his laptop screen the moment you enter his apartment and you’d realise that it has only been you all along. Watching Heeseung do well even after giving up his job no longer induces anger or jealousy. Instead, a sense of inferiority floods inside of you whenever your eyes fall upon his figure leaning over his laptop, typing relentlessly with a content smile on his face. And the reason, once again, lies in the concepts of too many similarities and even more differences. 

Months ago, when you were still in Incheon, still bound to your old apartment and old lifestyle, there was a point when you had seen yourself at your lowest. You used to drag yourself to work, force yourself to smile, push yourself to make it through everyday. You struggled to do the bare minimum that was necessary to survive. You wouldn’t say your situation was any better than Heeseung only because you still have a job while he doesn’t, because inside the four walls of his apartment, he’s doing better than any other unemployed person out there. He’s doing better than you while you still had your job, while you still had money in your hands to spend on useless things. You spent months pulling yourself through just to make sure you don’t lose your job, and Heeseung resigns from his’ a little too easily. You feared every second that passed because you didn’t know what the future would hold, and if you still had a future, but Heeseung is sitting on his couch and writing as if he has nothing to worry about. You saw yourself for months, doing the same thing, in the same way, and Heeseung is living every minute as if it offers him something amusing. 

Life was always easier for Heeseung, and you wonder if this is the reason why you’re standing by his door with your nails digging into the palm of your hands. Maybe, if this is why you don’t try to strike a conversation and instead, walk out of the door as if you accidentally walked into the wrong apartment and now that you’ve realised your mistake, you would make sure you don’t repeat it and end up in the same place ever again. 

The next few days pass by rather slowly. 

You’ve been trying to keep yourself busy with work. Though it’s a bit hard to focus when everything else is plaguing your mind, things have started to get into place once again. Additionally, you’ve also been busy trying to grow a liking for your job after getting an earful from your boss. The truth is, you don’t exactly hate your work life. Materialistically, it’s perfect— a good environment, impressive benefits, a considerably loaded paycheck— it’s wonderful, but intellectually, you feel you’re at the same place where you started from. You haven’t gotten a new project in a while ( was kicked off the one that kept you motivated ) not a single new thing about work except reviewing documents and passing them on for signatures. One could tell you to quit and look for something you prefer to do, but resigning and pursuing something that you like, unlike Heeseung, is a luxury you never had on your side. 

Before you realised, it had already been a week since what happened between you and Heeseung. You wanted to talk about it, hoped to, but he’s harder to see than the most. You could see him through your kitchen that faces his bedroom. You would see his shadow roaming behind the curtains, a notebook in his hand, or a laptop, rarely. Heeseung likes to scribble his thoughts on a paper before settling with one, it’s something you’ve noticed back in the university when he spent nights working on his projects while you sat still at the corner of your bed. You can still watch him on and on for hours, sitting on his couch and imagining him walking up and down his living room while working on his drafts. 

Watching Heeseung is one thing you will never get tired of. It’s a little discovery on its own. Every step he takes and every move he makes tells you something new, something you hadn’t known before. You remember sitting next to him in libraries late at night and watching him study. It was supposed to be a simple observation, perhaps an intention to catch onto his tricks and tips to study, and suddenly you see him biting his nails as if his pores are dripping with nervousness. It made you feel better knowing that someone like him has his moments where he’s nervous, even scared, maybe more. Watching Heeseung was something you had on your daily checklist because those moments reminded you that he’s not all strange, that there are similarities, and that he also falls weak, just like you. Watching him felt like watching yourself, as if he’s more you than you are. It felt like taking a look into the mirror and realising that whatever souls are made of, yours and his are the same. 

But mirrors for each other's soul has a cost: by the time they part from each other, the individuals have become indistinguishable. Before their merger, they each yearned for the other; as they part, they part from self. Maybe, that’s why leaving him felt like leaving pieces of yourself and meeting him again felt like you could breathe once again. 

You can hate him for all the reasons why he is better than you and for all justifications you could offer to prove otherwise. You can spend hours explaining why life has been unfair to both of you, yet still he gets to have the better end while you always fall back to the start even after all the times you’ve tried. You can go out and tell the world your tales of misery and braveness, how you didn’t give up even after life dragged you beyond what could possibly be the worst, and you can complain your heart out about how Heeseung, despite having everything you could ever ask for, gave up all because it didn’t fit to his liking. You can call him a coward in front of eight billion people and would still find yourself in front of his doorsteps at the end of the day, just like now, because after all, he’s the only person who would welcome you with open arms. 

“Have you ever tried painting?” You ask while taking a look at all the loose sheets lying around on the centre table in his living room. It comes off a surprise when you find that what he has been scribbling behind his beige curtains were sketches of characters of his novel, rough and messy, some drawn seemingly in love while others had patches of pain in their eyes. 

“As a kid, yeah. My parents made me try almost everything out there,” He replies on his way from the kitchen with two coffee mugs in his hands; and amusingly enough, it would be the first time you’d be having coffee with him ever since you moved, because every other conversation was accompanied with alcohol or wine. “But paint brushes aren’t my forte, really,” You take one of the cups, nodding in the process. Your childhood wasn’t any different, despite the financial shortcomings. You remember taking extracurricular classes at least four days a week, all for different fields, art being one of those. You wouldn’t say your painting skills are worth exhibiting, but they are better than his. Maybe, that’s why you briefly consider pointing out his mistakes, telling him that he could try fixing the body proportions to make the figures look more presentable but again, you refrain yourself from doing so. 

Instead, you take your time observing Heeseung, again. 

A sip of coffee hits your system, you sit on the couch, watching him arrange the sheets into one place. Earlier, it seemed as if Heeseung didn’t care about you seeing his living room in such a mess, as if it’s something you’re allowed to see because it’s you. You notice the way he’s holding onto the coffee mug, you’ve always loved how his fingers wrap around its perimeter completely. It’s one of the things about him that you find attractive. He sits on the opposite end of the couch and you’re sent thinking about the last time you both sat like this, having coffee over silent smiles. One second, you’re thinking about all the good times you’ve had and the next, your mind drifts back into the thoughts from a few nights ago. 

The coffee started tasting bitter or maybe, it’s just your thoughts. From thinking about his hands in yours to the smile that used to warm up your evening, nothing seems to cross your mind except the way you felt when his lips captured yours for the first time in years; nothing compares to that, not even close. You thought it’d be fine this time ‘round, people don’t make the same mistakes over and over again. Meeting Heeseung again was like falling back into the hole you’ve been climbing up, but hitting the bottom never hurt. You thought things would work out just fine because you’ve grown up. You’ve learnt things, you know what you did wrong back then and you know exactly what to do to make things right. All these things, they ran an imaginary conversation inside your head where everything went back to normal. There was a point where you couldn’t distinguish between daydreams and reality, and the truth didn’t hit you until you were sitting on the floor of your shower, hyperventilating his name into your hands; and you asked yourself— is it so bad for people to just use one another?  

Because friends with benefits is also a relationship based on convenience, you don’t get why loving someone the same way is deemed toxic or simply unacceptable. If things had worked that way, you wouldn’t have ever ended up on this turn of life. You and Heeseung would kiss but won’t be in love, sleep next to each other but won’t be a couple, share your secrets but won’t be friends. He would be someone you would’ve seeked on evenings you couldn’t stop crying and you would be someone he could hold onto on days that made him feel like he couldn’t go further. Not lovers, but not friends, just something, someone you could use and not feel guilty about, someone who could walk away a hundred times without hurting you, someone you didn’t feel obliged to focus on. You both could’ve been someone who didn’t feel like a chore to each other. If people could just use each other, perhaps, you and Heeseung would have lasted longer. 

Commitments are hard. Loving is hard, because a day comes where you run out of all the reasons to love. You become selfish, starting thinking about the give and receive, the shortfalls, the absence. The part of your lover that you fell for becomes the very reason why you fall out of love. Instead of appreciating the times spent together, you start complaining about all the minutes that went in waste, all the days they weren’t by your side. You take a step away from the commitment you swore upon and then one day, you start walking away before you even realise. So, loving is hard, and it’s even harder to fall in love again when you’ve walked away once and you’re afraid to do it again, not because you don’t want to hurt the person you love, but because you want to save yourself from hurting all over again.

“How are you doing?” You ask above the silence, voice no louder than a whisper. You’re hoping for a conversation none other than about what happened that night. It’s not because you want him to take responsibility because you’re just as responsible for it, perhaps more. You simply hate how you’re the only one still hung over it, you hate how he can go on with his life without worrying about the things he did that have shifted the ground beneath you. 

“Good,” He replies, just as quietly. A pause follows, you feel his eyes on your while yours are still fixed on the mug, fingertips running circles along its rim. “Great,” And, you find another reason for why you’ve been acting lately. The worst part about walking away isn’t the realisation that you have to leave everything that once made you happy, but instead, it’s the hope that follows you everywhere you go. You hope that they’ll run after you, that they’ll stop you and tell you not to leave, that they’ll beg you to say and tell you they need you, but they never do, Heeseung never did. 

You look at him after much consideration, there’s a certain look of inevitability in his eyes. It’s not welcoming but it’s not pushing you away either. It’s like he’s telling you there would be a moment when you would look at him in a certain way, and you both would cross the threshold from friendship into something so much more. Perhaps, it’s just the mood of time or your imagination that has you seeing things, but you feel a certain innuendo in his gaze and the way it traces every patch of your skin, from your eyes to down your hands, threatening to transverse further down below. It could be an innocent play of eyes, a harmless action that doesn’t mean anything more than. . . something. 

It’s how you begin, your mouth against his, and his fingers tracing along the back of your neck. It feels euphoric and equally sinful, the way his lips move in synchrony with yours, fitting like puzzle pieces. Heeseung tugs you closer by your waist, a faint gasp escaping your mouth that dissolves immediately into your breaths mingling together. He’s pushing you back into the couch, your mind plays all the moments with him like a short film, it feels like a warning sign, but you’re far in too deep to pay attention to anything else except him. Every swivel of his head sends you down a spiral of pain and pleasure, you’re somewhere between pushing away and pulling in. You’re so lost, it feels like you’re on an island and Heeseung is the water. If you’re drawing, he’s the oxygen, if you’re falling, he’s gravity— his presence in your life is contradictory. He’s the reason you’re hurting, and the very reason you like every second of it. Heeseung pulls back, a gaze full of love, he whispers a sweet confession. 

“Date me,” he says. You don’t remember responding, and the next time those words flood back inside your mind is two days after the incident, when you’re laying on your living room floor with beer once again. 

You’re counting now, the amount of times you’ve ended up on the floor with beer, thinking about all your past actions and regretting. It kind of sounds funny to think about it, to think an adult can’t pull their life together and resorts to alcohol even at minute inconveniences. His words haunt your mind day and night, in sleep and when you’re awake, in happiness and in sorrow. It seems like you’re back to stage one, where all he ever did was look at you and all you ever could do was think about him for as long as possible. Focusing on work doesn’t help. You tried shifting your furniture from one corner to the other, avoided Heeseung for three days before he was at your door with the electricity bill that was accidentally given to him. Consequently, your alcohol intake has increased again, not that it ever went down, but frequent meetings at work gave you a reason to stay sober. As for now, you’ve been spending each day the same way, vegetatively, ever so stagnant, like water in an infected pond that is born to numerous parasitic diseases. Your refrigerator is getting emptier day by day, you feel too exhausted to buy groceries. Days transform into weeks, Heeseung leaves for Busan for a week. He didn’t tell you. You overheard it from the ladies in the elevator. Now, there’s a closed door in front of you everytime you open the door to your house. A door with letters and envelopes piling up, a plant that is drying up day by day because looking at it, you assume Heeseung had forgotten about it. When the energy to cook leaves your body, you resort to ordering takeouts. Missed calls from work are the only thing preventing your apartment from drowning in silence. When the last of your hope dies, you resign from work. 

You think you’re going crazy, because you get back to the cycles of standing in the balcony around the time Heeseung used to return from work. A part of you knows he doesn’t work anymore, heck, he isn’t even in the city, but you spend most of your day thinking about him. At times, you wonder the point of all this. You wake up, check your phone for any texts from Heeseung or simply anyone. Fifteen minutes pass and you drag yourself out of the bed, eat ramyeon, watch television, sit on the balcony with bear, watch the people come and go, eat ramyeon for lunch again, sleep, ramyeon for dinner— you needed someone else, something that would break you out of this vicious cycle. There are days when your own skin suffocates you, when the image in the mirror doesn’t feel like yourself but rather, a faceless person. You’ve spent hours sitting in the shower and letting the water prune your fingers. You let your tears wet the bed sheets. For some reason, it feels like you’re coming to terms with reality. 

As days pass by without Heeseung, you’re starting to realise your feelings, able to sort out things you want and don’t. You thought your dream was to live an average, normal life. Looking at it now, you don’t think it’s what you wanted, maybe you didn’t have a choice to begin with. You studied in a prestigious university, you had scholarships to support your tuition fee, you had a job that paid you well enough, you had everything any other person your age would desire, you had those things because you wanted to set an example. You lived for your siblings, you lived for your parents, you lived for the expectations that came with your intelligence and skills. Sitting in the bathtub as your mind revisits every decision you’ve ever made in life, not one was for yourself. Or maybe there was— loving Heeseung. 

Perhaps, at the end of the day, you wanted someone who would love you, someone who would watch you be selfish and slowly clap at the back of the theatre because you’re doing a good job, you’re choosing yourself above everyone else. Heeseung was the person, it’s the only thing you’re so sure about in your life. He was like a saviour in the apocalypse. He’d tell you to blather about your insecure mind that kept nagging you regarding all the things you couldn't do and, he’d explicate how exquisitely it told you lies that you believed. You thought you could reciprocate, but every moment spent next to him reminded you of things he was and things you could never be. You were scared he’d notice your insecurities, the voices tell you that you’re only worth abandoning. You guessed it wouldn’t be hard, you just had to hide your feelings, and years later, your decisions prove you wrong once again. You’re struggling to breathe under your skin, your heart desires for him, you’re falling in deep again, and you’re about to pack your bags. That’s how your life has always been, to avoid getting hurt, you hurt the people you love. 

Maybe, you need him after all. Heeseung was one thing you were certain of in your life— still is— but you had your pride ruling your life, and he had stars to reach. 

At some point during Heeseung’s trip, you pick up a paint brush. It’s a sudden decision, an impulsive move. You wake up one morning and your senses crave the smell of oil paints and brushes. You never had a talent for painting, not by a long shot. You attended classes back in middle school but had to drop out because of your family’s financial conditions. You think you’re trying to copy Heeseung. You both have unsaid words in the back of your mind, both need to convey their feelings one way or another. Heeseung picked a pen, you chose a paintbrush. It’s supposed to be therapeutic, you have heard about art therapy. There is no set subject, you draw whatever comes to your mind. Your first piece exhibits your kitchen. There are unwashed dishes, you used yellow to add a light glow except, you used a little too much of the colour. The second one, an apple from your fruit basket. Third, your ceiling— white, blank, empty, you’ve named it ‘My head’s ceiling,’ as lame as it sounds. Your fourth is the cat that roams the neighbourhood on most nights. You don’t know about anatomy, but you sure do see slight improvements with colouring. Your fifth and the last one is Heeseung from the night you met him for the first time after moving in, and then he finally arrives from his trip. 

“Did you miss me?” He asks you when you show up at his doors in a thin cardigan and a bottle of wine in your hands. Weather was never a problem, any place with Heeseung tends to feel warmer. You walk inside, eyes on the loose sheets lying all over his kitchen counter. You wonder how he will react after hearing about your resignation. 

“I missed drinking with you,” You may or may not have a motive behind your words, maybe you wanted to feel him against you once again, maybe the wine ends up being an excuse again, but the night doesn’t flow in that direction. You tell him about your resignation, he finds it funny after the ‘pep-talk’ you gave him when he resigned. You tell him about your newly found interest in art, he tells you to practise since you have plenty of time. His responses are short and specific, not a word more or less from what’s necessary. His eyes make their way to you once in a few minutes and the rest of the time, they’re on his laptop screen. There are so many things you want to talk about, you have so much to share, so much to do. You had plans for tonight, but all he offers you is a short talk. It’s as if you’re not important anymore, as if you’re the third person between him and his drafts, and he’s doing you a favour by not sending you back to your apartment. He’s being distant, it doesn’t surprise you anymore. Half of it is because of his drafts, the other half, his interest. Heeseung is passionate about what he does. Whatever he does, he sacrifices all of him, it’s about catching his interest. You pour yourself another glass, Heeseung asks you a few questions about his work in progress. You realise he’s losing interest in you, little by little. 

You sort of expected yourself to be better after his return, it turns out to be false. You’re still on your living room floor, hands and clothes having stains of reds and blues. You painted the wine bottle from last night. You haven’t got any sleep, the image of Heeseung pops up everytime you close your eyes. It feels like the world is giving you what you had given him long ago— all the pain and insufferable longing, all the reasons that made him believe that he deserved to be abandoned. When you got busy with studies and a job in your last year of university, ignoring Heeseung seemed to be the only way out of your hectic schedules. You had exams, a job to cater too, money was already a problem so you couldn’t afford giving him gifts on all the days they have made for couples. Heeseung used to show up with something new every single day and no matter how pretty it was, a part of you despised him because it made you feel inferior. Leaving Heeseung wasn’t an option, it was your only choice. He was the only thing you had that you could throw away. 

“Can we talk?” Heeseung shows up at your door on a Thursday morning with words that brushed away any traces of sleep in your eyes. It’s eleven, you woke up barely fifteen minutes ago, and you find him at your door; hands empty, no traces of his laptop or notepad. You think you’ve finally become one of his priorities, after all. 

“About what?” 

“Us,” He responded quickly, he came prepared. “I want to talk about us,” And there it is, confrontation knocking at your door. You’ve been waiting for this moment for a while now, for weeks and more, perhaps, and now that it’s in front of you, waiting for you to hold it’s hand and guide it inside, your body freezes under his gaze. It’s a game of push and pull, like a pendulum oscillating between two extremes. You want him to tell someone about you. The thought of you vanishing completely from his world is unbearable. You can’t stand the thought of being a silent tomb in his heart, you don’t want to be an inscription on the first page of his book. You want him to tell the world about you and promise you a forever, but a part of your heart gently reminds you of the impossibility of the kind of love you’re wishing for. It’s not Heeseung who you can’t trust, rather, it’s yourself. You’re scared of your demons. When things get happier, you get anxious because you might ruin it once again. 

“Do you want to come in for coffee?” And here you are again on your couch with mugs and words you’re busy burying inside. The situation feels oddly familiar, your eyes travel to him. There’s a look of dejection in his eyes. 

You join a wellness club a week after, and Heeseung is the first person to know about it. You saw the advertisement when you went to buy fruits two days ago. It didn’t interest you until you walked back home and found yourself in front of your mirror, thinking of what you were and what you’ve become. Your dark circles have grown prominent, your joints ache from the lack of movement. Walks with Heeseung after dinner are the only reason why you wake up everyday and eat your meals. You have your paint brush and wine, you have every reason to not live any longer. If it wasn't for him, you don’t think you would have been breathing at all. You look up the fitness club on Naver, take your time reading through the programmes they’re offering and the pricing. Maybe, this is the change you needed in your life. Not Heeseung, not money, not a job, but some time for yourself. A place to think about yourself and how you are doing, a place to be selfish without being ashamed of it. 

The first few days were nice, you met new people, saw new faces. One new thing in your life, apart from painting. The sessions mainly focus on meditations, you were never the most patient person in the crowd. Some sort of yoga follows before a break, and that is usually the worst part. You would sit on the wooden floor and watch others talk, their laughter and murmurs filling in the hall. It makes you feel like how you used to be in the university— in silence, by yourself. You had conversations with your mind, with your heart. You looked around and saw eyes looking at you. Every second felt like they were talking about you when in reality, the thought of you never crossed their mind. You were no one, despite being popular, it’s ironic, and you hate how the exact same thing started happening in the club. It would have hardly taken you five sessions to give up and get back to your routine of painting, drinking, and sleeping. When Heeseung asked, you excused it as boredom and unsatisfactory. Actually, you have started feeling better ever since Heeseung returned from his impromptu trip. With him next to you most of the day, you feel functional and sane. You feel like you could think again, you decide to get back to cooking your own food instead of ordering take outs or simply sleeping after drinking. You didn’t see the need to attend the wellness classes anymore until a few days before, when they texted about a trip in the groupchat. You tell Heeseung about it, he locks himself in his apartment for the following days to come. 

You don’t know how or why he made that decision. You spend hours everyday thinking about all the probable reasons, only to end up with nothing. After three days of consideration, you land onto the conclusion that you take too much of his time. It makes sense, of course, he’s busy, he’s working, he has a job, even if it’s basically sitting into his room all day and typing. You, on the other hand, don’t have anything. You have your issues that you project onto people, you have problems you try to ignore, you have indecisiveness and can’t decide what you actually want. You spend too much of your time thinking about if onlys and begging God for last chances. Days pass by without him, alcohol becomes your only solace. The voices in your head remind you of the consequences of your actions. They scream about the mistakes you make, laugh at your actions. They recite tales of how you tend to ruin the person you like, how you’re a parasite and Heeseung is a host, and how you feed on his blood to keep yourself alive. You wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, you feel like wanting to scratch off your skin. At times, you want to run to Heeseung and profess your love to him, tell him how much you want him, how much you need him. You have always been aware of your feelings, of what you wanted, but deep down, you’re afraid that you might be a worthless person after all. And now, you are the worthless person who is trapped in their own empty life. 

You want to try living your life as a different person. A life where you’re not you, and all the things you have now aren’t yours, good or bad. An alternate reality where Heeseung isn’t someone you meet at your lowest, where he isn’t just a use and throw to you. You want to go to a place where nobody knows you and live as if you have no history at all, you want to know how it feels to live without having people expect something from you. A life where running away isn’t the only thing you’re good at. You haven’t talked to Heeseung in five days and you're already on the way to his apartment from the supermarket after getting some fruits. Perhaps, you just want to live a life where his presence and absence wouldn’t mean so much to you, where it wouldn’t cost you your life and pride. 

When Heeseung opens his door and invites you inside without asking any questions, you realise he has been expecting you anyway. Heeseung gets back to writing, you’re left alone in silence yet again. You envy Heeseung. As a writer, he has an inclination to step inside someone else’s shoes, to get under their skin and see the world through their eyes. It’s a blessing, you think, to be able to live as a thousand different characters and experience a thousand different emotions, to be able to express them so beautifully in words and actions. If you were him, you’d live as a different person everyday, in a skin that makes you feel comfortable. You could be a pianist pretending to be nervous, or a ballerina with her broken shoes. When Heeseung doesn’t say anything for the next few minutes, you pick up an apple from the grocery bag in your hand and enter his kitchen to grab a peeler. It’s an old tradition between you two, to say things with actions instead of words, to hug each other when sad, to offer fruits when you’re in pain, to sit in silence when you are sorry. 

“I’m leaving tomorrow,” You say abruptly, letting words fall off your lips without control. Heeseung’s hands stop in the midst of typing, hovering over his laptop. When the sound of keys stops, the air starts feeling emptier and heavier than ever, sending a wave of shiver down your spine. 

“What?” A soft gasp, a voice of disbelief. “Why didn’t you tell me any time sooner?” 

“Well, I am telling you now,” 

“The night before you’re leaving,” 

“I would’ve told you sooner if you could take a break from whatever you’re writing,” A pause. You look at him, his shifts ghosts your sight and falls upon the apple in your hand. You’re looking at the document displaying on the screen, your eyes fall back on the fruit in your hand just a few seconds later. You wish for Heeseung to be more open with you, to yearn for you the way you do for him, to want so much that every moment without you feels like death’s hands around his throat. Maybe, he already does, maybe he wants to but couldn’t because the fear of you leaving yet again is eating him from inside. You have given him all the reasons to doubt himself and you as well, every reason to think thrice before knocking your door. Writing is an escape, you know he has his own problems, after all, how many times did someone pick and pen or and paint brush when they couldn’t pull the trigger? 

“When will you return?” He asks, a little unsure of the question, if he should even ask you. 

“One month,” And you respond, peeling the apples between your words. “It’s a paid trip from the wellness club I joined, some sort of detox, so I don’t think we’d get to talk much either,” Your thoughts aren’t sane, they’re all over the place, everywhere. It’s hard to walk, harder to crawl, it feels like you’re standing in a deep pit, the way out is in front of you but you don’t know how to reach up there. Calling it a detox sounds stupid, but you know you need it, it’s for you, for him, and for whatever the two of you are becoming. 

“It’s alright,” Liar. “It’s just one month,” 

Before you know it, you’re in his arms and you’re hugging him back. Perhaps, you missed the embrace, the warmth of loving and being loved. “Just one month,”

“I love you,” He smiles against your ear, arms pulling you closer. You’re stepping into happiness for the first time in months, you’re reminded of its previous betrayal. And you realise that the person you’ve been yearning for is the one you should step away from. 

V. Should you get back with your ex?

It’s been five years since Heeseung has heard from you. He has been waiting, but he doesn’t have time to sit back in his apartment while putting everything aside. He has been keeping himself busy with drafts and publishing, lost amidst plots and characters he created, living in a whole another universe as an escape from reality. It all makes him sound crazy, or rather, like someone who has been through severe grief. But, Heeseung has been busy thinking about all the new genres he can try and every single thing that he can include in his writing because no one can stop him, and his imagination means no bounds. After all, Lee Heeseung, after five years of waiting and working, has finally published his most awaited work. 

Heeseung isn’t used to distances. They drift people apart, as they once did the two of you, but he didn’t mind anything when it came to you. You were going to return within a month either way, and thus, he found solace in texts and calls while waiting for the days to pass. You’d send him pictures of the city while he’d forward you an image file of another blank document. For days, you both texted restlessly, between meetings, during meals, while taking a walk, before and after bed, it was as if you had returned all the way back to how your life was in university. On days you couldn’t make time to call him due to your busy schedule, he would leave voice notes regarding every single thing he has been up to. It was a small step towards forgetting the past since neither of you tried to talk about it. It was more of an attempt at ignoring your past mistakes and moving on, taking a mental note to not repeat them again. While the need to talk things out bugged both of you every night, you were just fine with whatever the two of you had at the moment. 

Things had started off good, but the two of you started hearing less of each other. His busy schedule or your lack of internet could be blamed. You really needed some time to yourself and it seemed to be the perfect excuse to not text him first, or even back. Days morphed into weeks, weeks into months, Heeseung was finished with the first draft for his next book. That was for you but Heeseung, again, isn’t used to distances. You would see his texts on the top of your notification bar, holding onto a fragile ray of hope that he’ll hear from you anytime soon. You’d see his missed calls, voice notes, emails, direct messages on social media, even a letter he sent once. You could feel guilt pool inside of you, realising that once again, you’re being the one to draw a line, to create distance and while you promised that they wouldn’t affect you both this time ‘round, you’re the very reason why they keep on increasing. But, Heeseung is good at these things, hoping, holding, waiting; he’s good at sad things. Perhaps, it’s just another thing he has come to learn because of you. 

When you didn’t contact him for another two months, he started reaching out to your friends and family. He called your friends and his friends, his family, even. It was like he was in a forest with a lantern, looking for treasure, and the flame went out. 

He used to think he could go a day without your presence. Without telling you things and hearing your voice back. Then, a day arrived when he found himself struggling to feel your presence but the next was harder. He knew with a sinking feeling it was going to get worse, and it wasn’t going to be okay for a very long time. 

Losing you wasn’t an occasion or an event. It didn’t happen once and instead, happened over and over again. Heeseung loses you every time he picks up your favourite coffee mug, whenever that one song plays on the radio, when he unconsciously scrolls all the down to the bottom of his messaging app, coming across your contact. He loses you every time he thinks of kissing you, holding you, or wanting you. He goes to bed and loses you, when he wishes he could tell you about his day and everything that he has planned for the future; and in the morning, when he wakes up and reaches for the empty space across the sheets— Heeseung begins to lose you all over again. 

“What inspired you to write this book?” And now, he’s sitting at his book launch event, a faint smile on his face, a good of pride gleaming in his eyes. Through the years, Heeseung has released short stories and poems; poems that he wrote while looking out of his window at every flight that flies by, hoping you’d arrive one day, while sitting outside next to your apartment late at night, while drinking your favourite wine knowing you would’ve had the whole bottle to yourself if you were to join him. Heeseung would sit on the cold tiles of his living room and let his mind paint a picture of you. The image of you in his mind is blurry, but he feels every emotion you gave him to this day. 

“A friend, my neighbour,” His smile grows wider, a little more filled with sorrow, yearing oozing through the cracks of his skin. “My ex-girlfriend,” Calling you his ex doesn’t seem right since the two of you never broke up. You need to be in a relationship to break up, and Heeseung and you weren’t anything. 

His first poetry work, ‘Red Wine,’ was written in the first few weeks after you stopped contacting him. Those were some of Heeseung’s worst days of life, days he felt like doing nothing except lying down and staying still until his systems gave up due to the lack of movement. He has written about you drinking red wine on the floor just like you do, and on the other side it’s him, cold and bleeding. You’re looking at him— he pictures you as such, and you continue to sip on your wine, watching him bleed. Is there a possibility of you and I? Heeseung wouldn’t know, for you enjoyed your red wine while his blood pooled around your legs, and you wouldn’t flinch because you wouldn’t know if it’s blood or wine unless you taste it, and you wouldn’t know if he’s hurting for you’re too busy dwelling in your own mind.   

“Did you get back with her? Is that why the book is named ‘How to get back with your ex’?” Heeseung thinks the question is rhetoric. Anyone can tell if he and you are together or not after reading the book. Few seconds pass in silence, it’s not the question he’s running from, but the answer that lies around. Heeseung doesn’t know if there was ever a point when you considered taking him back into your life with labels, just as how it used to be back in university. You waited for him at odd hours but never admitted to missing him. He confessed, you never gave an answer, but you kissed him as if he was a part of you that went missing centuries ago. Your touch bled with yearning, love rolled down your cheeks, and you never accepted your feelings. You’re not his lover, he likes to keep you as his favourite incomplete fish. 

“No, actually, we’re not in touch anymore,” Heeseung isn’t familiar with loss. He doesn't have a lot to offer, not at all. Lee Heeseung, in fact, doesn't have anything to give or lose, his hands are empty. He has a mediocre job that he resigned from over a mediocre reason, and a mediocre life, a mediocre apartment with some mediocre flowers in the mediocre vase a friend gave him as a congratulatory gift on graduation day. He has the same mediocre thoughts and books, tropes and genres, no new thought in a while; Heeseung, actually, has more to accept than to lose. 

To think, he has always been on the receiving end of life. 

The first month was the hardest. He started hearing less of you, and then none. Losing you, it was like experiencing withdrawal symptoms. Heeseung would pace around, hours on empty, looking obsessively at his phone to catch a hint of you, just one text, one missed call, anything. His editor continued to call him, even show up at his place, telling him to write, to do his job, but words don’t flow when you’re not around, and the thought of you pains his heart inexplicably. He knows he’s always talking about second chances, how there is always a second shot at things that slipped out of your hands. The day you cut off all contact with him, Heeseung realised that it was probably his last chance with you. He cried the first time the news of Bus M4107 crash on its way back to Incheon. He ran back to his apartment, avoiding getting hit by a lorry only by a few minutes, vision getting blurry as his mind started coming up with all the worst scenarios possible. Heeseung went through all his contacts, looking for names familiar to the two of you and begged them to try to get in touch with you. He spent hours looking at his phone, his eyes were like a searchlight. How they looked at the sky with such longing, how they always turned towards the door hoping you’d walk in any moment. Heeseung doesn’t care if you’re with him, he doesn’t mind seeing you across the street while pretending to be strangers. He doesn’t mind not being able to hold you. Even after all these years, even when he’s Korea’s bestselling author, even when he has everything he has ever dreamt for, his life has voids that remind him of you, but it’s fine. Things were fine, you left him one Sunday morning with his cup half empty. It was supposed to be just a month, but five years later, Heeseung pads around his apartment following your presence that still lingers around. Outside, the rain is already falling, there are still pieces of you behind every door, he can live just fine. He can live knowing you’re here, in this world with him, amidst the eight billion people. It’s better than accepting the fact that you’ve left him alone, forever. 

Fifth month was a little easier, Heeseung published his first short story. He was doing good, and had work to stop himself from thinking of you. Friends and family kept him busy, book signing events occupied most of his days. You didn’t leave his mind, you just started residing less. He thought of it as a routine— every morning, you’d leave his mind as his schedules began. He pictures you floating over the city, over the busy markets and sublime lakesides. You visit sometime in between, when he’s resting on his bed or enjoying his tea. You walk back in and tell him about everything you’ve seen. You talk about the balloons stuck in the tree, about the girl running behind her school bus, and then you leave again and he sits to write. You walk down the streets through the sunset, the fragrance of sea-food spinning in the air. There’s a couple on their first date, a group of friends taking pictures outside a hotpot restaurant, a wife waiting for her husband, a mother picking up her son, a family going shopping, and then you’d come back right before he’s going to bed. You’d tell Heeseung about them, your voice ringing in his ears. You kiss him goodnight, he goes to sleep, your thoughts are like a lullaby. And the next morning, the cycle repeats again.

Around the twelfth month, Heeseung found himself at his lowest. It had been a year since you left, a year since you disappeared off the face of earth with no trace of you even after investigation. The case was closed, Heeseung felt the ghost of you leaving his mind bit by bit. Your empty apartment had been sold off to a woman in her forties, he didn’t like the idea of someone else occupying the place that had once belonged to you. In his mind, you still live there, and you still spend your days lying on the living room floor with wine. The renovation began soon after, Heeseung found himself standing in the living room of your apartment. With every inch of wall painted, the absence of you caved in on him closer. Every inch of brush stroke on the wall covered the evidence of your existence, painting white over the pieces of you that you left behind the closed doors. It felt like a sign to move on, as if the world was forgetting you and so, Heeseung was supposed to do the same. It boils his blood to this day, his heart aches inexplicably. The universe knows you as someone who disappeared off the face of Earth, it doesn’t know you like Heeseung does. It doesn’t know the impact you have on his life, it’s unaware of the little things you did that changed his view about things. People are moving on, the media forgot about all the people who died in the accident. He doesn’t understand how everyone continued with their lives as if nothing ever happened. Twelfth month was the hardest for Heeseung. Disappearing memories of you from his mind froze his mind, he wanted to die, if it meant he could see you again. 

You see, getting back your ex isn’t always about the romantic feelings you had for each other. You can be friends with your ex, or neighbours, co-workers, and it would still mean you got back with them, because getting back together means putting the past behind and working together to help each other become a better version of themselves. Isn’t that what we do even when we start dating our exes; being better than how you were with them in the past, not repeating the mistakes that drifted you apart in the first place? Heeseung doesn’t mind getting back with you even if you’re a stranger he sees at the supermarket. It’s fine even if you’re someone he sees once a week at the subway. If there is even a little chance that you’re here, Heeseung is okay living with just a glimpse of you. He has waited five years, he will wait for fifty more. 

“Do you still love her?” A journalist raises the question, and Heeseung could ask himself the same thing over and over again, always ending up with the same answer: he doesn’t know. Saying that he does would be an overstatement because Heeseung doesn’t know where his heart lies, and denying it would be a blatant lie. So, instead, he likes to think of you as just someone who came into his life and lost her way out of it. 

Just someone who he met one night by the bar, someone he warmed up to so quickly that every single neuron in his body went off with alarms, alerting him of all the possible consequences about how this would take a tragic turn. It happened like this : he met you, and for some reason, he felt more connected to a stranger than anyone else— closer to you than his closest family. Someone who taught him what loneliness is because before you, Heeseung was used to doing things alone, on his own. Someone who made him rethink every life decision, someone who, he knew, would turn his life upside down, and still he let you do it. You were someone he spent his happiest days crying about and saddest moments reminiscing over. Heeseung gave you love, and in return, you gave him an insight on life, an important lesson, and an answer to all his whys and hows. Your love was soft and tacit with all hands and lips and hearts in tandem. It was like a storm and he was walking into it straight. Heeseung is an explorer, you were a traveller. You both met at the intersection, the lights went red, the world stopped for a brief second. He saw love in your smile, he wishes he could see more of it. But you had a plane to catch and Heeseung, he was already home. 

Dedicated to my ex-girlfriend, the one I didn’t expect to meet after years of trying to move on, one who left and came back as if nothing ever happened and turned my life upside down. I think it was obvious that this was about you anyway. I hope you are happy, wherever you are. I hope you’re still here. Thank you for being someone I could rely upon, for being my muse, for being my one and only love. 

—

Thank you for reading, ‘How to get back with your ex’.

[wehaveagathering]

Just curious, what was the skate like irl? Who didn’t even finish/ who did better than the rest??

Oh, I love you for this question. Buckle up.

First of all, I think there are a bunch of misconceptions about what 👹Tort's Rope👹 actually is and how it works. I had not a clue how it worked until today, and literally a week ago I thought Torts was tying ropes to hockey players and having them drag each other around the ice... Not how it works.

So, John Tortorella's bag skate. First, the rope is marked in large sections and tied between two goals, placed a little closer together than usual. The players are split up into 4 groups of approximately 4 players each and sent to the four corners of the rink. When Torts blows his whistle, one player from each group completes 4 laps of the goals and returns to their corner; the next player up is sent off on his own laps, and so on and so forth. Once each player in each group has completed his first four laps, the two goals are widened to a new length marked on the rope and the first player is back up. It's not a test of time or speed; it's a test of endurance.

(Those numbers are rough estimates based off of what I saw today — it could be three laps, and I don't know how many reps they did. The actual schedule says 3x8 Lap which is the technical term for 👹Tort's Rope👹 but I thought I saw four laps. Eight reps sounds about right, too. Whatever! The actual numbers don't matter too much.)

What matters is that the player completes his laps and returns to his origination point, no matter how tired he is. His teammates can give him a pat on the back, or some tips and pointers, or they can stare into the blank void of space and consider a new career path. Whatever it is, he has to finish. So "not finishing" isn't really an option unless someone throws up or passes out or dies. And no one did that — so technically, everyone finished.

Some people certainly had an easier time than others. I noticed that Michkov and Bonk struggled quite a bit, and Jamie didn't look too thrilled either.

Travis Ballinghoff.

Which kinda sucked, because I was really rooting for them. But holy shit, Michkov was struggling. Charlie O Connor actually said in the PHLY podcast today that he noticed Michkov kind of cut his final lap short at one point and that John Tortorella came over to him and was like yo. can't do that. And for the rest of the time he pulled through.

Egor Zamula kept getting yelled at. "Let's go, Z! Keep skating, Z!" He also kept getting lapped by Rasmus Ristolainen. Tyson Foerster had "kill me now" face (see Bonk above) but Foerster does tend to have a pretty expressive face. Sean Couturier kept getting help from TK, who skated right behind him for the most part and kept pushing him forward with his stick. He even admitted it.

It seemed to me that most of the guys from last year, the returning ones, were the ones that did the best. Farabee, Frost, Tippett, Hathaway, Poehling, Laughton — they all had a routine in between their laps that they used to help keep them going, whether it was motivatinal or physiological or psychological. Farabee and Hathaway skated up and down the rope, in the center of the lapping players. Tippett stretched on the boards. (He's flexible. 👀)

It was interesting to watch who was fast, though. Ronnie Attard looked like he was having the time of his fucking life, and he actually did very well! Carter Sotheran has resting happy face, but I can't imagine he was having any fun. Jett Luchanko was certainly winded, but pulled through with minimal painful expressions. (Erik Johnson went on the record to say Luchanko looked like he didn't even have to try.) Zayde Wisdom, Noah Cates and Cam York all paced themselves well. But everyone, no matter who it was, was slowing down by the second or third rep — very visibly. It looked awful.

And then — and then! — they had to do shuttles. This one was in groups of four — started at one end, raced to the other end, tight turn, back to the original spot. Then a group of four at the opposite end, who were waiting, would do the same, and the small groups would switch off. They must have done at least five reps. No one fared well on these. No one. They were all lagging by the second rep.

Anyway, to answer your question, it was loud, and it was cold, and hockey players are big. The tallest ones were like hovering a foot over me (looking at you, Matteo Mann, what the fuck are you so tall for??) and even Michkov at 5'11 looked fucking ginormous. And his group was right near me — him, Frost, Seeler, and Lycksell. Frost was tiring but I could see him grit his teeth and grind out his laps. I assume after the emotional pain of John Tortorella, Frosty can handle the physical pain too. After one of his laps was done he gave Michkov a lil side hug. It was really cute!

Travis Ballinghoff.

Off topic, but stick "taps" — that's bad nomenclature, right there. A stick "tap" at the Vorhees TC sounds like a car backfiring.

At the end of every group's torture, they settled down for a circle stretch. TK went around the first one talking to guys and grinning and laughing. He looked like a leader. The second one Joel was going around making every guy give him a little fistbump. Then the third one was actually led by Spencer Gill, who I thought had done reasonably well, especially for having only just been drafted. He held his own.

Thank you for the ask!

[joe-spookyy]

asks you about american werewolf in london

hoooly shit it’s finally happened. someone asked me The question. thanks anon.

i am now going to try and sell you all on this movie cause i can’t recommend it enough and i think everyone should watch it. so: let me tell you a thing or two about hit 1981 horror comedy an american werewolf in london!!! and this is off the top of my head so if any of it is slightly off numbers wise im sorry. if you like 80s horror, men, queercoding, re-animator, the thing, jaws, saw, the lost boys, or just werewolves in general. hear me out on this one. link included to watch.

The Premise:

fresh off the heels of his cocaine fueled jazz musical masterpiece The Blues Brothers (1980), director john landis decided he was going to cook up the greatest film ever made. and he did. he was actually gonna have john belushi (jake blues) and dan akyroyd (elwood blues and yes the ghostbuster) play the two main characters, david kessler and jack goodman. now, who are these fellas? well i’m so glad you asked. david (played by david naughton) and jack (played by griffin dunne) are two dear pals from new york on a cute little backpacking trip across europe. david's the tall one. he's silly and gleeful to be out and about. jack is the short one. he's very much not gleeful about the fact that they're on the rainy moors and wishes they were in rome. together they find their way to a cute little pub and go inside, looking for hot drinks. the locals do not love this. they also do not love when jack asks them why there's a five pointed star on the wall (since lon chaney and universal studios assert that that's the mark of the wolfman!) it gets awkward. so they leave, with nothing but the warning to stay off the moors, stick to the roads, and beware of the moon. obviously, they do not follow this. wouldn't make for a very interesting movie if they did. and, as i'm sure you've assumed, they encounter a werewolf, leaving jack like this (dead):

and david, who survived the attack, with the curse of the werewolf. but fear not! david is transported to a hospital where he makes a lovely recovery, and jack um. well he stays dead. but he comes back to haunt david! he shows up a few more times in further states of decay to tell david that he really ought to just kill himself so that the curse is broken, jack and all the other werewolf victims can rest in peace, and david won't accidentally maul any additional civilians as a werewolf. hey while we're talking about jack heres me when i dressed up as him at a horror con. and the man himself.

anyways. hijinks ensue, and you're taken on a delightful romp across 97 minutes of fun as david tries to navigate life as... you guessed it. AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON!

why it rules:

in my opinion, that's enough to make this movie flames as fuck. but if you're not convinced yet? let me tell you some more. first off. the practical effects on this bad boy are straight up excellent. they're done by my personal favorite vfx artist rick baker (who also worked on star wars, men in black, videodrome, king kong and more!), and he does not hold back. the picture of jack shows how nasty and detailed the wound is pretty well, but in action it's even better with all the nasty fleshy bits dangling and wiggling and eugh. it's gross. but it's so well done. and he does a terrific job showing how jack decays throughout the rest of the movie. but of course, what really matters is the werewolf. it's not called an american dead guy in london. which is good. cause that would be a dumb name for a movie. anyways. if we’re going to talk about the werewolf, we have to start with the iconic transformation scene. sped up.

wow! pretty impressive stuff right? it’s all practical, no cgi, and i think the way it’s almost drawn out and the relative silence of the scene adds to the impact it has, since it sort of forces the audience to sit with and feel just a little bit of the discomfort that david seems to be feeling. we just have to watch him scream in pain and beg for mercy. yeesh. now, the transformation scene is hard to top. but i think the final werewolf design is actually pretty solid. it’s distinctly not man, but it’s also distinctly not wolf. i would include a picture, but i feel like part of the allure of the film is how it (jaws style) doesn’t really let you get a good look at the monster itself until the end of the movie. it’s a great way to build the tension and leave a little bit up to the audience’s interpretation. and the audience will always imagine something way more horrible than you could have ever created. which is kind of beautiful. the first time i watched, i found myself kind of disappointed in the werewolf’s appearance - its face seemed to be stuck in a sort of permanent scowl. i was kind of lost, because i couldn’t imagine why a static face had won out over whatever the vfx team was clearly capable of making. but Oh. dear reader. when nurse alex price, david’s dear love, who cared for him in the hospital, allowed him to live with her, and even banged him, approaches the wolf. when she tells david she loves him. the wolf’s eyes soften. it begins to drop the snarl. see. i lied here’s part of the wolf. all snarly like and scary. before it melts at three simple words from alex. god.

it hits me like a huge truck every single time. rick baker never misses and this movie was certainly not an exception. he got an academy award for it and it was well deserved.

not so into the technical stuff? that’s okay. i have more to praise about this movie. it is one of the best blends of horror and comedy that i’ve ever encountered. although some of it looks a little dated, i do think it maintains its fear factor. it’s plenty gory, and in my humble opinion, the subway scene (you’ll know it when you see it) is one of the most effective bits of horror i’ve ever encountered. even when isolated from the film, it still packs a punch. but i’m not gonna put it here because i want you to just watch it with the rest of the movie. sorry. and on top of the horror, it’s honestly hilarious. if you don’t think seven dead people ganging up on one dude and listing ways he should kill himself in the middle of a porn theater while a porno plays very loudly in the background. well. i don’t know what to tell you. you probably won’t like this movie that much. also, the final needle drop over the credits at the end is so abrupt and so funny. love it.

and of course, being an 80s horror movie with two male leads. i’m sure you can guess what i’m going to say. it is not hard to read jack and david as friends, but it’s also not very difficult to read them as having a little something going on. like love. fellas is it gay to go on a little trip across england with just yoh and your best bro? hard to say. textually, i do think it’s kind of telling that every time jack shows up, it’s either right after or while david is having a heterosexual experience (flirting with alex, banging alex, watching straight porn in the porn theater.) it’s almost like… something other than jack… is haunting david. i dunno. i’m not a cop. but it’s interesting. seems like something the average tumblr user might like to keep an eye on, so i’m letting you know. also they have a conversation while david is completely naked which is like. hello. plus the inherent queerness of the werewolf narrative is something i could talk about for HOURS and was especially prevalent, alongside vampire movies. in the 80s during the aids crisis. my short essay on this ⬇️

also, there’s a classic john landis third act car crash scene, where, in the same vein as the blues brothers, an obscene amount of cars are absolutely demolished.

also also, the muppets make a brief appearance in this movie. this made me jump for joy, because i love the muppets. and you should too.

fun and true facts

still not sold? well, check out this last ditch effort in the form of fun facts. or, if you just want to know more, read on.

micheal jackson was so impressed by the effects in this movie, particularly the transformation scene, that after seeing it, he promptly hired rock baker (vfx guy) and john landis (director guy) to work on the music video for his hit song thriller. you’ve probably seen it, but if not, go watch it. tbh, even if you have seen it before, go watch it again.

david naughton was a doctor pepper spokesman before the filming of this movie. he was in at least a few bits of promotional material, including at least one commercial. unfortunately he lost the job because of the amount of time he spent dick out in this movie. doctor pepper did not want that to be the representation of their brand. cowards, the lot of them.

speaking of his dick, you actually never fully see it at any point in the movie despite the fact that it seems they never felt like telling david to wear pants on set. there is a reason for this! david (character) is jewish and canonically circumcised (dunno how else to put it) and david (actor) is neither of these things. so, to avoid ruining the realism in his. werewolf movie. john landis took great care to never show the whole thing.

the american ambassador who visits david in the hospital is played by frank oz, who also voices miss piggy. because of her brief cameo, he technically plays two different roles in this movie, although miss piggy is simply credited as “Herself” in the end credits of the movie. he also voices yoda which isn’t relevant but it is really funny to me.

see you next wednesday, which is the name of the porno in the movie, is actually a fun john landis easter egg! many of his movies include the phrase “see you next wednesday.” it’s also seen on posters in the subway scene.

in the scene where jack first visits david in the hospital, he was supposed to take a bite of david’s toast, after which it would immediately fall out of his ruined and torn to shreds throat. however, it was cut for being too gross. which is sad i feel like it could have been funny.

when david calls home to talk to his parents, he mentions two siblings: rachel and max. these are the names of the directors children in real life.

griffin dunne, who plays jack, also appears as the family therapist in a season 2 episode of succession. this was a jumpscare.

while they were filming the naked in the zoo scenes, they were unable to actually close the zoo, so when filming carried on past the opening time of the park, they just kept going and allowed butt naked david naughton to run loose around the zoo. they did, however, succeed in closing piccadilly circus for the car crash scene.

in the beginning when jack is being attacked by the werewolf, it was in fact half a wolf prop on the front of a wheelbarrow. this is a very funny vision for me.

jack is right - the five pointed star is considered the mark of the wolfman, according to 1941’s The Wolf Man, played by lon chaney junior and produced by universal pictures. the guy knows his stuff. interestingly, rick baker did the makeup for the 2010 remake of the wolf man as well. he did pretty good, i think.

this isn’t even about this movie but blues brothers is an awesome film too and a fun fact about that one is there was a whole part of the budget devoted to buying cocaine. and you can tell. great movie.

director john landis did in fact kill three people the year after this movie came out. so. i do feel a little bad promoting it because jesus christ. but. no harm no foul in pirating it. it’s one easy internet archive search away. and sometimes it’s on tubi. but just in case, here’s the internet archive link. https://archive.org/details/an-american-werewolf-in-london

so. anyways. please check out this baller ass movie and talk to me about it. thank you so much to whoever asked this. i love you. thanks for reading. bye.

[dr-futbol-blog]

Hide and Seek

Finally, we get to Sheppard and McKay.

Lead characters, it is natural for them to be in scenes together. Their initial meeting is at the chair platform in the Antarctic base. The one notable aspect of this is that while McKay's jealousy of Beckett and his ATA gene was laid out real thick just moments ago, he displays only excitement watching the platform come to life at Sheppard's touch. He admires this man from the start.

The next time we see them together, it's in Atlantis. And for some reason, McKay seems to follow Sheppard where ever he goes. The major is walking around the gate room turning on lights around him and McKay is right on his heel. From the moment he steps out of the gate, he is following this man that is a stranger to him. They seem to keep winding up in the same places.

Rodney is also doing the looking but trying not to look thing. Looking everywhere else but where he clearly wants to be looking.

Make note that during this scene there was a clear focal point in the room in the bottle of champagne that had just rolled through the gate. Everyone else in the room was looking at Elizabeth holding up the bottle.

Their first proper exchange is the one where Sheppard reveals his math skills to McKay, which has been analyzed to death. Sheppard is cool and calculated, uses his charm to get his way. Rodney is only too quick to acquiesce. Unlike Col. Sumner and Dr. Weir, he is completely defenseless against it. Intuitively, Sheppard also knows what strings to pull. Weir is charmed through candor, Sumner (who does seem to warm up to him eventually) is charmed through the display of guile. Rodney McKay is charmed through intellect, so that's what Sheppard uses to manipulate him.

We get much more interaction between them in the next episode, Hide and Seek (S01E03).

The throwing off the balcony, shot him in the leg scene is familiar to everyone. There's certainly bonding going on, people seeking companionship marooned in another galaxy. McKay displays his admiration of Sheppard in multiple ways, the least of which is not volunteering for experimental and potentially dangerous gene therapy for the hope that he might become just a little bit more like the major.

(And note that while Sheppard and McKay are playing with each other, there are people still without living quarters because "the major seems to be taking his time" making sure they're safe. Priorities.)

There's a big lampshade moment in the scene where the two of them walk into the closet together, and then come out of the closet together. A closet is, in fact, explicitly referenced:

McKay: Someone thought it would make a nice closet. Sheppard: This is definitely not a closet.

This episode also marks the beginning of Rodney being oblivious to Sheppard finding double entendres and innuendo in something he says innocuously in a tense, potentially life-threatening situation.

Sheppard: Think we're going to need a bigger boat. McKay: Size doesn't matter. Sheppard: That's a myth!

My guy, is this really the time for this?

In fact, Sheppard never misses an opportunity to turn something McKay says into a sexual reference (and this is far from the only instance that reveals he is a total and utter size queen; what is he saying here? He's saying that a big dick is better, that's what he's saying here. He's saying that he prefers a big dick). It's pathological. It's Freudian. It's witness to Sheppard constantly having sex on the brain when it comes to this one man, and only this one man, as we never see him do it with anyone else.

All of this is really cute and fun, but what I actually want to highlight is Rodney's Big Damn Hero moment toward the end of the episode.

You see, John Sheppard is presented as the All-American Action Hero. We, as the audience, are supposed to see him like this and the people in-universe are supposed to think of him like this. Rodney McKay certainly sees him as the hero, idolizing him to the point of constructing an image of Sheppard that barely corresponds with reality. He is the protagonist.

Only, for John Sheppard, it is Rodney McKay that is the Hero.

This is lampshaded in the episodes Sateda (S03E04) and Tao of Rodney (S03E14). Rodney often surreptitiously volunteers information, masked in the guise of humour, that he means about Sheppard but would never confess out loud. In the former, he tells us (through describing to Beckett his relationship with Ronan): "We have an unspoken bond. I mean, there are things that go deeper than words, my friend. Deeper than words. But you wouldn't know anything about that, because you never look past the surface of anyone, do you?"

It is humorous when he says it about Ronan. It is absolutely true of his relationship with Sheppard.

Similarly, in Tao of Rodney he describes his relationship with Zelenka to Ronon: "He tries to hide it, but deep down, I'm the wind beneath his wings."

It is humorous when he says it about Zelenka. It is absolutely true of his relationship with Sheppard.

He is the wind beneath the wings of the flyboy, the pilot, the airforce major/colonel, the guy who thinks that people who don't want to fly are crazy. The guy with the wings. Rodney McKay has been the wind beneath them from the moment onward that happens at the climax of Hide and Seek that changes everything for Sheppard.

The lyrics of the song from Bette Midler, arguably the world's best known gay icon, tell us how Sheppard views McKay:

It must have been cold there in my shadow To never have sunlight on your face You were content to let me shine, that's your way You always walked a step behind

So I was the one with all the glory While you were the one with all the strength

Did I ever tell you you're my hero? You're everything, everything I wish I could be Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle For you are the wind beneath my wings

It is obvious that Rodney thinks of Sheppard as his hero. Because we frequently see Rodney fear for his life, avoid conflict, think his way out of situations, his heroism is more difficult to recognize. But the thing is, Rodney feels the fear and does it anyway. He is not afraid to show that he is afraid.

John, on the other hand, is so full of fear every moment of his life that if he were to acknowledge it even for one moment, it would paralyze him. He cannot afford to entertain fear, let alone show it to anyone else, friend or foe. And it is not merely losing the people he cares about that he fears, he also fears showing other people who he is where Rodney is always unabashedly himself. John thinks that Rodney doesn't care whether people like him or not, which makes him free.

Conversely, John has consciously constructed himself into someone that people will like, he reflexively uses his charm as a weapon, as self-defense. He has spent his entire life pretending to be someone he is not, even going so far as to marry the woman his father liked, as a survival mechanism. In the episode, we learn that Sheppard thinks scary things (the masks of hockey goalies are scary while football "is a real man's sport") are unmanly. Fear is unmanly. Showing fear is the unmanliest thing there is.

For John Sheppard, Rodney McKay is a Hero.

We are shown this explicitly in Harmony (S04E14). Oh, we're meant to snicker at this. This is so counter to reality, is it not? This is not how the world sees it. This is not how Rodney McKay sees it, even though in the episode he jibes that this is how he remembers the events. But this is 100% exactly, entirely and fully the way John Sheppard views the two of them, and has done so since the end of Hide and Seek.

This is in contrast to Beckett and Peter making fun of McKay at the beginning of the episode by inventing hero names for him: Mister Invincible, Captain Untouchable. While everyone recognizes Rodney's intellect, no one else thinks of him in this way. The thread running through the episode is McKay conquering his fear which is highlighted by the ancient mcguffin that he is initially unable to turn off because his fear is too great to relinquish the protective barrier.

For John Sheppard, because of who he is and how he has lived his life, Rodney McKay is a Big Damn Hero. Rodney McKay is brave enough to not only feel the fear but to let his fear show, and go for the Hail Mary anyway.

At the beginning of the episode, John was mostly amused by Rodney and his antics; amused enough to want to spend time with him, invite him to share something very personal to him (the football game that was one of the few possessions he had brought with him), to repeatedly tease him knowing what buttons to push, to talk about him even when he wasn't there ("Don't tell McKay what I said about hockey not being a real man's sport ‘cause it's a Canadian thing; a little touchy about it."). Also, look at him smiling as he's thinking about McKay here! All of these classic signs of attraction, by the by.

And yet by the end of the episode it's transmorphed into something more, something genuine.

Where previously he mocked McKay for his fear ("He... fainted"; "That's okay, you might faint again"), he now reinforces Rodney's self-ascription ("Thank you for not saying the other thing"), displaying his respect and admiration for Rodney's willingness to and capacity for self-sacrifice even in the face of paralyzing fear. Sheppard recognizes that although he might undertake one suicide mission after another, Rodney is able to do something that he does not believe he ever could.

This is where it begins. This is why he falls so hard.

[artbyblastweave]

hey! recently I read marvel zombies 1 and 2 because of your posts, and I loved them! as a quasi-recent walking dead fan (I read it until the end of the governor arc back then and stopped, only recently I was able to reread it all and actually finish it, what a great book) it was a lot of fun, I love Robert Kirkman's work. however, now that I know the other marvel zombies are not written by him, I just wanna know, are the other ones worth reading? thank you for your time :3

Marvel Zombies 3 By Fred Van Lente is really really good; it's set in the interquel between 1 and 2 and mostly consists of the mainline universe Machine Man killing the shit out of all the zombies that weren't explicitly shown to be killed in the Silver Surfer sequence. Marvel Zombies 4, also by Van Lente, is also a lot of fun, features a multi-faction battle on Earth-616 over the control of the severed head of Deadpool so it can be used as a bioweapon.

Marvel Zombies Return is the one that's technically meant to wrap up what happened to the surviving zombies after MZ2 and I will be honest with you, it's not that good because it's simultaneously an anthology thing and a pastiche of different eras of Marvel, and as a result it loses the unity of tone that the Kirkman stuff had; there's also some serious characterization inconsistancies, I get the impression that they might not have actually read the two minis they were writing a sequel to. I have a carve-out for issue 3, written by Jonathan Maberry, which has really excellent art. There's one more Kirkman-penned thing, the Dead Days Oneshot, which is really good. I also like the Mark Millar/Greg Land issues of Ultimate Fantastic 4 (issues 21-23) where the zombies were originally introduced, although Kirkman took the concept and ran much further with it.

Marvel zombies 5 is not good. Ignore that one. There was also a 5-issue crossover with The Evil Dead franchise, Marvel Zombies vs Army of Darkness, which is set during the outbreak and features Ash Williams fighting for his life against the superzombies. It was written by John Layman, the guy who wrote Chew, which is a comic I really enjoyed. Outside of the original MZ continuity, The semi-recent miniseries Marvel Zombies: Resurrection by Phillip Kennedy Johnson was really good. It features Peter Parker leading a small band of survivors in search of... I don't really remember, but Peter Parker-as-Rick-Grimes is a pitch that stands on its own merits I think. Important to note that for some asinine reason the first issue was released as a One-shot about a year before the other four and isn't packaged with them on a lot of the completely reputable websites where we all go to read these things, so that can be a pain in the ass.

[strawberryblondebutch]

Let's talk contract incentives

Or, how the Pittsburgh Pirates burned bridges over $200k

This is Ryan John "Rowdy" Tellez. Up until yesterday, he was a member of the Pittsburgh Pirates of Major League Baseball. Two days ago, the team designated him for assignment. When no other team wanted to pick him up, he was released from his contract.

The decision baffled fans, analysts, and other front office staff. Tellez was by no means a star -- his 91 OPS+ was slightly below average (OPS+ is normalized to 100), but his advanced analytics showed he was still playable. More importantly, there were only six games left in the regular season, and the Pirates had already been eliminated from playoff contention. They had nothing to play for, and Tellez would have been a free agent at the end of the year anyway.

Then Ethan Hullihen found something interesting.

Tellez, prior to his release, had 421 plate appearances on the season for the Pirates. At 425, he would receive a bonus -- if he came to the plate four more times in those remaining six games, he gets $200k. Rather than shell out for him, the Pirates simply said goodbye and good luck. Well...

So... what exactly are contract incentives?

For starters, they're about the one thing players and teams can agree on. Teams like them because, unlike your base salary, incentives don't count against the salary cap or luxury tax. It's a way of stashing money under the table -- sure, officially you might be making $3 million, and as far as the league is concerned, that's what you're making. But if you hit the marks we both expect you to, here's a little something on the top. Players like them because it's a way to bet on yourself. Extra money for being good at your job! Who doesn't want that!

Common incentives are:

Awards. Most Valuable Player. Cy Young Award. Defensive Player of the Year. Most Improved. Rookie of the Year. These awards don't come with any money of their own... not from the league. But if you win one, your team will give you a little walkin' around money for it. Some contracts also offer a smaller bonus if you finish in second or third place for these awards.

"Counting" stats. MLB has mostly phased these out, but other sports still have them. Unlike "rate" stats like points per game, these are exactly what they sound like. NFL players trigger incentives on numbers of touchdowns or receiving yards. An NHL player who hits a certain goal threshold will get a payout. Occasionally you see rate stats get incentives, but this requires more math and is less fun for the player involved.

Just showing up. Did you spend X number of minutes on the ice or on the court? Did you come up to the plate X number of times or pitch X number of innings? Hell yeah, brother. These incentives are often (but not always) reserved for bench players and players that are often injured. In the former case, hitting those appearance milestones means you played your way into regular time and are rewarded for that. In the latter, it's the team's way of saying, "Look. You're great when you're healthy. Prove you can be healthy."

This last point is important in Tellez's case, because he was signed as the Pirates' starting first baseman. If you play a 162-game season and receive a minimum of three plate appearances per game, that's 486 PAs right there. Now, that's an oversimplification of how many PAs Tellez could expect to have: he might miss games, he might come to the plate more than three times in a game. But a 425-PA incentive for a guy you expect to start? That's low. When the Phillies signed Aaron Nola to a seven-year extension last November, they explicitly did not include any incentives for innings pitched. Why? Because Nola is expected to pitch 200 innings a year. That's automatic money. All his bonuses are for awards.

Now, as I said earlier, Tellez isn't exactly a star. He probably won't make any of those awards. (Notably, "DS MVP" is an award that doesn't actually exist, but it's a standard player incentive in case MLB decides to start offering that as an award). But he probably expected to have 475 plate appearances. That's an extra $400k.

Instead, the Pirates decided to save themselves $200k. Which, in baseball terms? That's pocket change. Minimum salary is $700k a season. Bob Nutting, the owner of the Pirates and the guy who would be signing that bonus check, is worth $1.1 billion.

This is a different case than when the Chicago Cubs released Hector Neris earlier in the year, for a few reasons.

The Cubs released Neris on August 20, when they were still competing for a Wild Card spot... and with enough time for another team (in this case the Houston Astros) to sign him.

While Tellez was only a below-average player, Neris was effectively unplayable at the time of his release. For a reliever, you want a WHIP (walks plus hits per innings pitched) below 1 -- in layman's terms, "less than one baserunner per outing." Neris was sitting at a 1.5 WHIP, and the eye test said that he was untrustworthy in high leverage situations.

Unlike Tellez, who would be a free agent anyway, once Neris reached his innings threshold, he got a vesting option: another year on his contract and another $9 million. That's significantly more money and a lost roster spot for a guy you can't trust in the clutch.

Now, I'm not blinded by loyalty to a team I like. How the Cubs went about the release was wrong. They did it quietly and appeared to blindside Neris with the decision. But from a business perspective, you have one team deciding to cut their losses on an employee they no longer trust. The other team is emptying out the tip jar just before closing.

So, why does this story matter? Because people are seeing it. Players are seeing it, and you bet their agents are. The Pirates need a new first baseman in 2025. Let's say, for the sake of it, Garrett Cooper is exploring his options and the Pirates come calling. Cooper's agent has a real incentive (see what I did there?) to say, "I can't be sure you won't be screwing my client out of $200k, so go ahead and add that to his base salary or we're taking our talents elsewhere." Players who have the decision between another team and the Pirates will take the team that doesn't have this newfound reputation for screwing over their role players.

Pittsburgh has not, in recent history, been an attractive free agency destination. They're a cheap team with no clear path to competing. They draft well, and then those players hit free agency and go to greener pastures. Now? Now they're screwed. All because Bob Nutting didn't want to cut off some scraps.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I have weirdly posted very little on Tumblr about the current Taskmaster season, despite being absolutely obsessed with it. I’ve been enjoying it hugely, but every time I go to write a post about it, I get in my head about whether I’m enjoying it wrong. I need to stop reading the internet.

So I’m liveblogging this episode, like I used to do. Because it’s fun. Thoughts on Taskmaster s17e06, written as I watch it:

- That intro was the funniest one they’ve had in a while. The aunt relay story was like the Platonic ideal of Taskmaster intro Alex banter. Great start.

- John Robins is, as I expected and specifically called (you have to call it so you can have the bragging rights if you’re right and never bring it up again if you’re wrong), absolutely killing it, points-wise, throughout this season of Taskmaster. But his prize tasks aren’t what I was expecting, especially since good prize tasks are usually correlated strongly to a contestant who cares a lot about winning, as the others just fill in the list without much thought. John started really strong with the diaries, and since then has just brought in things that float around the internet four separate times. I would like to see the rest of his Taskmaster meme collection thought.

- And Nick brought in an ice cube, so maybe John’s still in the game. Quite funny how he sold that though, his entire face swearing that this is definitely a reasonable thing to do.

Look, I’m trying to stop drinking, and I am definitely over the mentality I had in my twenties, about how you have to drink things “properly”, where “properly” means never diluting the alcohol content because, to quote Lord Gregory Davies, “I’m not a pussy”. My days of believing that sort of thing are long over, I swear. Or I thought they were, until I saw this. Don’t put ice in wine, guys. Obviously. Don’t put ice in wine.

- Ohhh, this is that episode Joanne was talking about on the podcast, where they refer to the prizes as “presents for Greg”. Good stuff, that was funny.

- The contestants who turn up on Taskmaster having obviously never seen it before are the ones where I’m least likely to seek out their other work, because I just cannot believe I would find anything relatable in anything written by a person who could go on a show like that without doing any research beforehand. However, those contestants are often funny in the moment. And Sophie not knowing what prize tasks are by episode six is pretty funny.

- Of the first three prizes, Sophie’s is the first one I’d actually want. I’ve always thought going around in those giant inflatable balls looks like enormous fun, but I’ve never done it. Can’t see Greg enjoying it, though. What a terrible gift.

- Alex’s petulant “They’re not presents!” was also very funny. Strong first six minutes of the episode for Alex Horne.

- I would also like Joanne’s present. And unlike with Sophie’s, I don’t see why Greg wouldn’t. I don’t see why anyone wouldn’t. I shouldn’t want this because she’s one of the two people with a shot at catching up to John, but five points to Joanne. That’s got to be the best present.

- Oh, this is the episode when Steve pulls out that cryptic crossword message that people found back in the fall, when this was filmed. Yeah, okay, I hate to say it but that’s got to be five points to Steve on effort alone. They’re a good thing to get into, too. And it should be four to Joanne; I’ve got bragging rights riding on John but top marks in this one should go to the two people mostly likely to catch him. I’m extremely impressed by anyone who can do a cryptic crossword, much less set one.

- Further to my argument that competitiveness is not just entertaining for its own sake, but it is also funny when done on this comedy show: the look on John Robins’ face after Steve reveals the cryptic crossword and John realizes he’s fucked this one by comparison. You can’t tell me that’s not funny. That is a funny realization to watch come over a person’s face. Also, this is the most I’ve liked Steve in the show so far. That is some proper effort.

- Yep, I hate to say it because of my bragging rights that are on the line, but I think Greg scored that prize task exactly correctly. You’re going to need to pick it up in the studio tasks, John. And maybe stop bringing in shit you found on the internet. I’m fine and invested in the competitive side of this a normal amount.

- I frequently like the tasks in which they have to reference each other in some way (like the season 12 prize task where they brought gifts for the person sitting next to them is one of my favourite prize tasks ever), but I’m not sure how well it’ll work in a season where aside from Nick and Steve, none of them seem to know each other (at least before filming this). In addition to two people not knowing what show they’re on. Joanne’s probably got a bit of an advantage here because everyone knows some stuff about Steve Pemberton.

- No victory criteria specified on the task, so this will be a two-parter. Which means actually, the points may not even be based on how good the hamper is, so maybe that’s no advantage at all. The points will probably be based on what they do with their hampers once they get them.

- Just to be pedantic for a moment: the information is on the task, and the task itself never actually says their hamper has to match the wheel.

- Joanne bringing in that thing I mentioned, that she’ll be able to come up with something for Steve because everyone knows at least a bit about him: holding up a disembodied head, “This ‘cause I know he likes weird shit.” Yep. I haven’t actually seen any of the League of Gentlemen shows, but that’s the one thing I know about Steve Pemberton from outside Taskmaster. If I had to represent what I’m pretty sure his work is like, I think there are probably disembodied heads and other weird shit.

- Steve Pemberton quoting the wrong song back at Alex after “1, 2, 3, 4” was also pretty funny. He’s slightly growing on me this episode.

- Joanne’s first thought of what makes things exciting: tequila. Very on-brand.

- I like the idea of this task, fairly open-ended and leaves room for creativity. It’s not far off from the “create tension” task, or the many similar “make [thing] the most exciting” in previous seasons, but those often tend to be good. And this season has a few people who seem to shine in the ones where they’re allowed to do a whole sketch. Nick, so far in this season, has squandered several opportunities to show off his actual memorization/magic trick-related skills, but has squandered no opportunities to show off his theatrical side.

- Joanne going in a split second from giggling about Irish stereotypes to accusing Greg of racism: also funny.

- And one scene later, we have Nick’s theatrical side. I knew he’d go big on this. Constructed a set and organized lighting and music. Good stuff.

- Sophie might be okay here, point-wise, if she comes up with a narrative to justify the dancing when selling it. But I bet she won’t.

- Having seen her in the studio – and she didn’t. Why did Alex have a pigeon on his head? You need a narrative, Sophie. Greg likes a narrative.

- “And that, Greg, was a thumble brag.” – Alex

Thumble brag, it’s thumble brag, thumble brag of the week!

- Everyone’s very on brand in this task so far. Nick goes theatrical. Sophie does a confused abstract dance-y thing. John goes sporty.

- I wrote that before seeing Joanne in a moustache, doing an unnecessarily complicated game. That’s less on-brand but I like it.

- My reaction while watching John’s set-up: That’s funny, he took the opportunity to turn the tables on Alex, making him read out and do a task. Aw, got the Queen song titles in there, well done. I wonder if they’ll… hang on, are you allowed to just light shit on fire in the grass on the Taskmaster grounds? What the fuck? He says he had a two-hour health and safety meeting to clear driving that car with an egg, but no one stopped him from lighting a fire in the grass?

- I have no idea what the hell is going on in Joanne’s attempt but it’s definitely not a thumb war. What did Joanne think the task was?

- Whatever John and Alex were doing was also not a thumb war, though maybe slightly more because they did hit each other with pretend thumbs. Also, I don’t care whether it adhered to the remit, because that was enormous fun to watch. I would genuinely watch that like an actual sport. I would pay good money for the uncut footage of that whole game. Why don’t more people on Taskmaster hit each other with sticks?

- Okay, lots of things in this episode have been funny so far, but the first one to make me actually laugh out loud was John freaking out about naming the wrong Queen album when asked what a particular song was on. It’s the split-second transition between the confidence with which he delivered his first answer and the panic when he realized it was wrong. That transition is never not funny. The cheeky look on Alex’s face was pretty good too.

- Ugh, they saved Steve for last because he’s going to go really big, isn’t he? He’s been good in all the theatrical tasks so far. I’m not saying “ugh” because I’m not impressed, I just don’t want him to narrow John’s lead in the overall scores.

- Okay that was fucking funny. He went even bigger than I expected, how did he put all that together in that amount of time? Yeah, fuck it, well done, Steve. You made a movie. But you didn’t hit Alex Horne with a stick, did you?

- I’m enjoying Alex in the studio being briefly unable to read the autocue because he’s giggling too hard at Steve’s theatrical production.

- I think I’d have put Joanne on the same level as Nick and John – I’d personally probably have put John one point higher, and that’s not because I have bragging rights staked on him winning the series, it’s because I like watching sport-type-things and people hitting each other with sticks – but if I take out my subjective bias, I think the three of them were probably about the same. Other than that I agree with the scoring though.

- I enjoyed the high five between Nick and Sophie over both being at the bottom of the scoring. It’s always fun when the two lowest-scoring contestants bond over that. John’s only one point up though, rough episode for him. But he’s got a cushion of a few points on his lead overall, it’s all right. Steve was always going to win that theatrical one. Also, Alex just said the word “darts” when introducing the next task, which makes me think John’s about to claw some points back. That’s his thing.

- Oh yes, those are darts in the initial shots. Let’s go, Johnny JR. Here’s where you make up the points.

- Oh it’s a team task. Okay this might go less well. Means he can’t pull ahead of Joanne here. But he can at least catch up to Steve. I bet Steve Pemberton can’t throw darts.

- John doesn’t even get into the dome before informing the team that he was on the college darts team. I’m impressed that he managed to hold back from mentioning that he was the captain. I’m actually looking forward to this, aside from its value as a Taskmaster task. I’ve spent a lot of time listening to John Robins brag about his darts skills, and it sounds like he can back that up, as other comedians who’ve seen him play say he’s good, and presumably Oxford doesn’t make you captain of their teams if you can’t do it. I’m pleased that I’ll (presumably) get to see if he can do it. Or see him fail at what’s supposed to be “his thing”, which will also be funny.

- You know, there is a bit of a pattern of Alex putting things in this season that seem like little things related to John Robins, mainly just little Easter Egg things for Alex's friend. Pickled onions in that glove task, when John is always going on about how much he likes picked onions. The task on the first episode where they had to rank each other by who’s won the Perrier Award (that of course applies to Steve too, but I assume Steve has enough other accomplishments in his career so he doesn’t define himself by it so much). Reading in Welsh. Darts. I would have counted rum being in the gloves task as one of those little nods to John Robins things, though doing that on purpose would be pretty fucked up right after he quit drinking, so I’m assuming it was just a really weird oversight. A really weird oversight. I would like them to include less fake alcohol for the alcoholic, and more tasks based around activities he’s really good at (I’m sorry, I can’t refer to darts as a sport, but it’s a very impressive skill). Mainly because I have bragging rights riding on him doing well. And because I want to see how good he actually is at darts.

- And Alex gets in a mention of John being captain of the darts team, after John refrained from saying so himself. Alex does do this while calling John out for stripping off on camera, though, so it doesn’t come off as that much of a compliment.

- Well we won’t find out if Steve’s any good at throwing darts, but Nick Mohammed doesn’t seem to be. And Steve Pemberton is definitely not much of a gymnast. I wonder if that would have gone better if they’d traded places? Nick’s probably more flexible, but being short seems like a disadvantage, not being able to reach as far. I’d have also expected Nick to be better at the bottle thing, given that he does party tricks for a living.

- I wrote the above point before hearing them have that exact discussion in the studio. I think Nick’s wrong, they had it the right away around. I also think all of Sophie and Nick’s interactions are quite funny. But all be honest, at this point I’m mainly focused on getting to the next part so I can see John Robins throw darts.

- Sophie declaring that she’s actually pretty good at bottle flipping and then immediately tossing it on the ground was perfectly timed. Or well edited.

- I've been avoiding filling the post up with screenshots the way I have in previous Taskmaster liveblogs (mainly because it takes too long), but John and Joanne's facial expressions immediately after Sophie throws the bottle on the ground are pretty funny:

Those are two people who have confirmed they are definitely going to need to rely on darts skills and flexibility.

- I was doing well with avoiding screenshots until I got to the part of the episode where they keep having reactions to Sophie’s incompetence. I'm quite enjoying John watching with dismay as Sophie drops it on the ground again, then as soon as her back is turned, he glances at Alex like, "What am I expected to do with this?"

It was a great idea to set up this task so Sophie Willan can perform some straight-up slapstick comedy in the background the whole time. It's like the time they put Guz Khan on a chair and made him eat chocolates in an amusing way while the other two got on with the task.

- God damn, John. Yep, the man can play darts. It turns out he can, in fact, play darts. That’s pretty cool to watch. It’s not a sport but it’s cool to watch.

- Have to give some credit here to Joanne’s contortionist abilities too. That’s pretty good. They definitely got it the right way around.

- Holy shit, that’s really impressive. I’m enjoying the montage of John smugly repeating “bullseye” but I wish we had more shots of him actually throwing. What we did see was cool.

- Second proper, significant laugh out loud of the episode comes from Alex telling them they have to do it again in different roles, and then admitting he’s joking. Good joke, Alex.

- Holy shit, was Joanne really clambering around in there for an hour? I can believe that, if they had 43 moves. An hour of that would be just over a minute per move. That is impressive on her part, for the stamina as much as the flexibility. That’s fucking cool. I would like the uncut footage of that task as well, please, Taskmaster.

- Oh I like that interior task location. How have they not used that until the second half of the season?

- Ah, that’s where they were going with the hamper. We haven’t had a good “create a portrait” task yet this season, and this a fun deviation from making ones of Greg. I guess there are only so many portraits of Greg the contestants can be forced to make.

So actually, if they were being strategic in the hamper task, they should have put basically nothing in there, to stop their opponents from being able to make anything good. But they couldn’t have known that and it could have backfired if they’d tried. Also I guess they’re technically on a comedy show.

- Joanne’s running monologue throughout this task is horrifying.

- Oh shit, Steve’s isn’t bad. Solid use of banana. Actually looks like a person. Unnecessary detail, as there has been in most of Steve’s tasks throughout this season. I’m a big fan of unnecessary detail. I’d probably quite like Steve if I’d never heard him on the podcast admitting to breaking that egg on purpose. But he did so I still want him to get beat. I doubt he will on this task, though.

- Written after seeing the next picture: definitely not by Joanne, he won’t.

- This has nothing to do with the episode or anything but I like Joanne’s t-shirt. The one she’s wearing. Not anything about the picture she made. The picture she made is almost as horrifying as her monologue while making it.

- Oh, John’s is surprisingly not bad either! It looks like an actual person. An orange person, which is not the colour Nick Mohammed is, but still. To be fair John did have flour, which is an advantage over the others, you can make a proper picture with that.

- And Nick’s is terrible, but his attempt to sell it in the studio is pretty funny.

- Oh and Sophie’s is properly good! Though she also had easier materials. That’s got to be the five-pointer.

- What? Nick over John? I don’t think so. Come on, Greg. That’s the first score I’ve really strongly disagreed with all episode.

- Sophie and Steve celebrating the five points together is funny, though.

- Okay, John’s not fallen that far behind. Only three points behind the top score, going into the live task. That’s less than his overall lead. If this is going to be his weak episode it’s not that bad, depending how the final task goes.

- Oh, I like a team studio task.

- Well they’ve definitely got it the right way around this time, having Nick get covered in rings. The other team might have had it wrong, as Sophie’s slightly shorter than Joanne, but more importantly, Joanne would probably be better at throwing than Sophie. This is one that’s a big advantage to the team of three since there are two throwers, but that’s only an advantage if Sophie can throw.

- That got exciting at the end. I stopped pausing it to write stuff down once they actually started the studio task, because I did end up getting into it like a sport. Maybe too much like a sport, the words “Come on John” came out of my mouth a couple of times before I remembered it’s not really a sport. It’s fine, guys. It’s fine. It’s not really a sport. Credit to Steve, though, the man can throw. And Nick can move. Some good catching from Joanne, too.

While watching this, I’ve thought of another way that competitiveness is definitely funny. It’s just a parody, isn’t it? Parody is funny. You take something that really exists outside comedy, remove its contents but keep its structure, and fill the structure up with silly contents. In this case, a task like this is a parody of sport. The tension, the competitiveness, the physical effort, the strategy, the skills on display, the commentary, the drama – the structure of a sport is all there. But you fill it up with something silly. Parodies are funny, and they get funnier the more seriously they’re taken.

- Oh shit! It’s a Wilkinson situation! I mean, without the drama of the Wilkinson situation, because Steve Pemberton is doing fine overall and doesn’t really need this. But still, I do like it when Greg actually sticks to the rules and disqualifies people when they deserve it. Fine margins, Steve! Fine margins!

John winning team tasks is a double-edged sword, obviously, because it bolsters Joanne's points too, and at the moment she's in second place. But it's not like it would be better if they lost, and I think it's still more important to extend his lead over Steve than over Joanne. Even though she's ahead of them, I feel like Steve is more likely to catch up to John than Joanne is. Partly because of something Nick said on the podcast a while ago, mentioning that the competition in their season was usually between John and Steve. If Joanne ends up winning the whole thing, you'd think he'd have included her in that.

- Oh, and just after I wrote the above point, I played the video again and they showed the overall season scores so I didn’t have to be keeping track in my head. John’s still got his lead comfortably. Getting to the point where Steve almost can’t catch him in the time they have left, though I don’t want to say that yet. Having a task like this that goes 5-0 for John over Steve was big for that.

Joanne could definitely catch him, which makes me glad they’re on a team, so she can’t get ahead of him via team tasks. It’s a good position after six episodes.

- And Joanne gets on the board with episode wins. That’s good, she definitely should be there. And I definitely remember that this is just a parody and not an actual sport. It's fine. Good episode. I am a normal amount of invested in it.

[blindlov3fix]

Your Biggest Fan

Hypno and GN!Reader

Warnings: Platonic, kind of a mentor - mentee fic, Fluff

A/N: My first real post! I wanted the first to be more of a heartwarming fluff story so I decided to make this one platonic. But there's sure to be other fics for different characters with different genres so make sure to stick around for that! <3

···························₊˚ ੈ✩༺☆༻✩ ੈ·₊˚·························

Tonight was a big night for you. A very big night. You even marked it on your calendar out of excitement the day you bought your ticket to the show at the magic townhouse. Tonight, instead of the simple museum days, they planned to host a show with your favorite magician of all time!

No, it wasn’t Houdini brought back from the dead (though that would have been the show of a lifetime). It wasn’t Sir John the Kaiser. It wasn’t even that Noah Sheck kid that was pretty good at magic too.

It was Hypnopotamus, the newest magician in the city who had taken all of Manhattan by storm with his incredible acts. Besides the fact that he was a mutant, let alone a former criminal according to the news stations, everyone who was as crazy for magic as you or just looking for some good entertainment had to admit: he was amazing.

And tonight was the night you would actually meet him in person at the meet and greet after the show!

You couldn’t wait but you didn't want to just simply meet the guy. See, you had been practicing your own little trick yourself and looking up card tricks for months now. Bugging your friends to help you practice so you wouldn’t screw it up.

Now, after countless trial and error, you were finally ready, just in time for the show.

Unfortunately, you spent a lot of your savings on that ticket so you couldn’t dress as nice as you wanted in your own dressy suit so you just wore the only one you had. Sure, it had a few tears (which you meant to sew eventually, you just never got a chance to do that), but it was perfectly fine! Probably. Maybe. Hopefully.

You opened your closet, reaching the top shelf to grab the top hat sitting in the corner. You brushed off the top, blowing off the dust that collected from sitting in the closet for so long and gently placed it on top of your head.

You walk over to the mirror, checking over yourself and giving one last spin to make sure your outfit was at least decent. You nodded, feeling confident enough that you wouldn’t get laughed out the second you stepped foot in the townhouse.

With a deep breath and a quick adjustment of your top hat, you grab your ticket, stuff it in your pocket and run out of the house.

Getting into the townhouse was a piece of cake (considering you already paid for your entry months ago) and you explored the place since you had a few minutes to spare before the show started. And eventually, you and all of the other guests piled into the auditorium and the show started.

Seeing videos online did not do this man justice. He lit up the room when he talked (literally, he managed to shoot fireworks out of his mouth!). His acts were nothing like you’ve never seen before and there was no way there was a wire anywhere in sight. It was incredible. This whole show was just…magical.

But all good things must come to an end and the show was over an hour later. But that was the best hour of your life. So far anyway.

And the fun of the night wasn’t over yet either! There was still the amazing chance to actually meet Hypno, face to face. To say you ran to the exit doors when the house lights came on would be an understatement.

You and the other guests all made your way to the next room over where Hypnopotamus himself was waiting in all his hippo glory, a cardboard backdrop with his name on it in big bold letters stood behind him for anyone interested in photos. A velvet rope was shut in front of him, making a narrow path in front of him.

“Hello all you beautiful people! Thanks for coming out tonight!” He started, raising his arms out in the air as people flocked in with each other. “I hope you all enjoyed the show!”

He gets a group cheer from everyone, chuckling. “Alright, well, I’m guessing you’re all here for the meet ‘n greet! Unless you’re looking for the dunny, that’s down the hall to your left.” He jokes. A few people laugh at the joke but soon everyone gets in a single file line in front of velvet rope. That was the one thing separating the fans from the hippo’s cage and that was quickly unclipped by Hypno himself.

You got stuck close to somewhat of the end of the line. You definitely would have been closer to the front but you just got a bit nervous and froze up a bit, getting an even closer look at your idol. And you did get shoved a bit so others could get higher in the line so you couldn’t be picky, you’d still meet him. Just a bit later than you would have hoped.

You decided to pass the time by rehearsing your lines for your trick, muttering under your breath. It was a great distraction for the twisting in your stomach as you slowly moved closer to him.

Before you knew it, a majority of the people in front of you had disappeared, leaving only a handful left. You could see Hypno even better this close.

He was practically glowing. I mean, there he was, mere feet away from you. And you were about to really meet him. You would get to shake his hand and talk to him about how he made it as a pro magic guy- er mutant. Maybe as for some tips? But a magician never reveals his secrets so that was probably a hard no—

But you shook your head, shaking away the thoughts starting to flood your mind. You were here for a different reason. Focus.

But god, you were shitting yourself as you got closer to the front of the line.

Just three people in front of you. Seconds pass and the line gets shorter. Less than a minute later and you’re standing in front of him. Due to the fact that he was a giant hippo, he practically towered over you, which was just a tad bit intimidating, you couldn’t lie.

Waving goodbye to the last fan that he was just chatting with, Hypno’s eyes widen just a bit when he sees you walk up, with a rather worn down suit and top hat to match. Well, this was new. Perhaps you were one of those costume people? He could never remember that funny little name people on the internet used (forgive him for being a bit more old school).

“Well, what have we here then? Are you dressed up as your’s truly?” He asked, keeping a dramatic flair to still entertain the others waiting in line for their time to talk to him but he was intrigued when you shook your head. “No, actually.” You started, taking off your top hat and nervously fiddling with the hem. “I um…I’m kind of a magician too. I wanted to show you my- my card trick.” You stutter, keeping your eyes down.

“Your very own card trick, huh?” Hypno chuckles, putting a finger on his chin and pretending to think about it for a second. “Hm…alright then! Why not? Always happy to see tricks from fellow magicians!” He says, putting his hands on his hips.

“Whenever you’re ready.” He reassured, a small smile cracking through your expression. You took a small breath, putting your hat back on. Alright, just like you practiced.

You pull a deck of cards out from inside your jacket, spreading them out in front of you. “Pick a card, any card.” You muttered but you were surprised to see Hypno somewhat frowning.

Fuck, did you already mess up?? Is a card trick too basic for him? How did you screw up already?!

But thankfully, Hypno is quick to stop you from spiraling as he explains himself. “Nah, come on. Where’s your charisma? Your confidence?” He questioned, tilting his head. “You gotta be bold! Grab my attention and don’t let go, not for a second!” He straightens his back and gives you a small wink. “Try it again. More energy this time.”

You feel the sudden sting in your eyes of tears threatening to show up but you quickly shut that down by blinking them away. It was the confidence boost you desperately needed. And with your idol being so supportive in the short time you met him, you might as well put on a show for him.

With another deep breath, you hold out the deck to him once again. “Pick a card! Any card!” This time, your voice had the energy Hypno was looking for, nothing like the little whisper you started with the first time. It even managed to draw the attention of the other’s around you, all gathering around to watch. “Yeah! There ya go!” Hypno laughed, his smile growing.

He takes a card from somewhere in the middle of the deck. “Now, be sure to remember which card you have.” You reminded him, covering your eyes with one hand. “You can even show it to the audience if you want. But don’t worry, I’m not peeking.” You lowered your hand for a second, peeking one eye out. “Or am I?” You joked, pulling a few chuckles out of the audience before covering your eyes once again.

Hypno flipped the card around for everyone to see. It was the three of spades. “Now, turn that card back around so only you can see it.”

He obliges and you lower your hand again. “All you have to do is hold that card and watch my hands and I’ll try to guess which card you have.” You say, starting to shuffle the cards in your hands.

Hypno watches, wanting to see how this will go since he’s holding the card. There’s no way to change it with some neat shuffling if he has it in his own possession.

Your shuffling suddenly stops. “Now, what I didn’t tell you is there is a double of every card in this deck. There’s a twin for each one.” You pull a card from the top, flipping it around so he could see. “Is this your card’s twin?” You ask.

In your hand was a seven of hearts. Hypno sighs a bit. “Sorry, mate. That wasn’t it.” He says, shaking his head slightly. It was heartbreaking at that moment. He remembered his first time messing up a trick in public. The embarrassment almost made him want to quit magic entirely. He hoped you wouldn’t end up doing the same. With how nervous you were to even come up to him, he didn’t want to be the one who ended up crushing your magic dreams.

But your smile never faltered.

“Sure it is. Look at your card.” You chuckled, idly shuffling the deck again. Hypno raises a brow, his eyes landing on the card in his fingers. Lo and behold, he was holding a seven of hearts. He smiles in surprise, turning his card around for the crowd to see.

Their gasps and exclaims were enough to make your smile even bigger, along with your confidence. “But that wasn’t your original card, was it, Mr. Hypno?” You continue.

“No, it was not.” He chuckles. You hold your hand out to take the card back and he hands it to you. “Your original card and its twin are actually nowhere in this deck!” You spread the deck out so every card is visible, slowly spinning so the whole crowd can see as well.

“Then, where is my card, little magician?” Hypno asks, putting his hands on his hips, watching how you grabbed the audience’s attention. Just like he told you to. He could tell you were having so much fun.

You fold the deck together again, putting them back in your jacket. “Check your back pocket.”

Hypno stares at you for a second before quirking a brow at you, smiling like an idiot. He reaches a hand into his back pocket, revealing his original three of spades and sliding it through his fingers to reveal the copy of that exact card right behind it.

The crowd all yelled out in shock and excitement, starting to applaud you. It felt good, you had to admit. But the dam broke when Hypno of all people joined in on the applause. You could die right then and there and be happy.

But to save your own ego and not ruin this amazing moment, you took a deep breath to try and calm your racing heart and bowed, like any good magician would after a show.

Hypno patted you on the back, moving his hand to rest on your shoulder. “The ol’ sleight of hand. You really are something. From one magician to another, I’m truly impressed.”

You smiled up at him, feeling your throat tighten. It was taking everything in your power not to cry on the spot, or worse, hug him right there. “Thank you.” You croaked, rubbing your eyes free of tears.

He smiles and nods. “You know, a magician like you deserves a much better wardrobe, don’t you think?” He chuckles. “I don’t think the worn down look suits you very well, no offense.”

Before you could even ask what he meant by that, he was standing behind you, gently tugging on the cloth of your blouse sleeves. “Do you mind?” He asked, leaning over to make sure the contact was alright with you.

You didn’t have a clue what he was going to do but you just shrugged. “Uh..sure? Go ahead.”

He smiled and pulled back on your jacket and you thought he had actually ripped the damn thing off of your shoulders like some tear away pants or something. There was even some shiny confetti that appeared around you as he did it. You panicked for a split second and the sudden cheer from the crowd again didn't help your worry. But you were rendered speechless when you looked down and realized.

He just did a costume change. On you.

Gone was the tattered and bland suit and top hat, now replaced with a chic black suit and bowtie, covered in golden accents and accessories. Both hands were perfectly fitted with white gloves. And your hat was pristine, pretty much brand new and was fitted with a gemstone that shimmered and shined in the light. It was like a dream.

Yeah, this time, you couldn’t stop the tears. You literally started sobbing on the spot, which is bound to keep you up at night some time in the future. Hypno tried to offer you a handkerchief to clean yourself up, apologizing profusely which some of the crowd audibly ‘awwed’ (and laughed a little).

But this truly was the best night of your life.

[diagonal-queen]

Fluffy Lucy x Reader Headcanons

cw: gn!reader who works at the agency and is around the same age as Lucy. and uh no warnings just tooth-rotting sweetness :)

imagine you go to the café uzumaki right when lucy has just began working there. remember how she was all nervous about atsushi and kyouka trying her coffee? she’d be 10 times more nervous with you, because she really really wants to impress you. if you drink it and told her you liked it she would be so happy and blush so hard with excitement, but she would never admit it, especially in front of other people (they know. atsushi and kyouka were the ones who helped you date her in the first place.)

she would ask atsushi what to get you for valentine’s day and though he has a heart of gold he has a brain of rotten sponge and doesn’t have a good answer, so she tries other members. she would ask poe to help her draft a love letter, and kyouka offers to help her make some treats for you (cookies or chocolate covered strawberries- cliche romantic stuff because she thinks you’ll like it as much as she does- even if you don’t please just humor her she tried so hard for you T-T). she takes you to anne’s room and has anne feed you while she talks about how much she loves you. 

(i like to think that even anne at one point got impatient with her for not confessing and so now she dotes on you super hard because she’s like ‘FINALLY MY MISTRESS HAS A PARTNER’) 

lucy spends her free time at work ranting to the manager and the other wait staff about how adorable and sweet you are. they thought it was really cute at first but now they’re tired because it happens so frequently. they tell dazai, dazai tells you, and the next day dazai’s got a black eye. dazai tells you that your girlfriend is a menace to society. you have to get lucy to apologise which is extremely difficult

she seems too nervous prideful to really engage in pda so she brings you to anne’s room to give you hugs and kisses. god forbid you fluster her in public/in front of other people, because she will get anne to teach you your lesson (you’re the one with the black eye this time. you and dazai are sad together). she doesn’t dislike it, she’s just shy and doesn’t need other people being like ‘aww you two are cute together’ all the time. she KNOWS you two are cute together. 

she brags to her friends from the guild that she has such an awesome caring partner. (she and john, mark and louisa are all actually buddies outside of the guild. you and i both know it). she likes to talk to poe about it mostly because one, he’s just easy to access since he’s always around, and two, what’s he gonna do? tell her to stop? no. he’s gonna listen and he’s gonna use it as writing inspiration. 

LUCY WOULD TELL HIM TO WRITE A LOVE STORY FOR YOU GUYS AND HE’S A NICE MAN SO HE DOES. and you spend the day in what i can only describe as that one flower field from howl’s moving castle. you know the one, where he says ‘sophie you’re beautiful!’ but you have to be the one going ‘lucy you’re beautiful!’ and then she pushes you away but also immediately pulls you into a hug because lucy is just like that sometimes. 

lucy smells and tastes super nice! like strawberries and roses. she’s a very fun and genuine person to be around, but she can be a little high strung sometimes. admittedly, she is a little temperamental. as long as you return her hugs and are there for her when she feels down though, you’re all good. she is fiercely protective of you and the agency and that makes itself rather clear if anyone dares to bother you. 

this post was a mess i’m literally obsessed with lucy can you tell? anyways if we’d like i can write a narrative version of some of these headcanons

[meraxes-of-new-albion]

alien: romulus review

if you liked Star Wars: The Force Awakens, and you're already an Alien fan, you'll love it.

If you're missing both those it'll miss the mark for you.

spoilers below the cut

man okay look i wanted to like this movie so bad.

I really, genuinely don't think I'm exaggerating when i say 60% of the film is lifted out of other alien movies. EVERY iconic line is in it. damn near EVERY iconic SCENE is in it. Shit there's a bunch of things that are literally shot-for-shot - remember Bishop crawling down the pipe in aliens? Romulus sure remembers.

It's so extensive I only actually got jumpscared ONCE. I'm not good with jumpscares! I jump easy! But it's so religiously following everything that came before that it really doesn't... scare, if you know the movies well already.

it doesn't suffer quite as badly from "oh god oh no what if you get bored!" that covenant does, but it shares a lot of the other things I didn't like about covenant - you identify ripley lite pretty early, and you cease to worry about her, because she's ripley lite, the movie won't kill her. The crew aside from her is flat and uninteresting and I can't actually remember *any* of their names. They start dying so quickly that you're more "oh jeez rip that guy" than "OH NO STEVE WHAT THE FUCK".

(Like. Kane, John Hurt, who gets chestbursted in the original? That's literally over an hour into the movie. You give a damn by the time he dies. Because the movie takes its sweet ass time GETTING there.)

The plot isn't bad? it's fine. bland. it's a vehicle to get things moving. it's all reasonably well written, it just doesn't really have a whole lot New to add to the table. Covenant is a worse movie, in many ways, but I *think* about covenant. About david 8 and walter and the implications of what he was doing on that planet alone for so long, about the ways in which that movie really does do something New. And I don't see myself thinking about romulus. The things it adds are neat, but not... particularly noteworthy. Gimmicks, not fundamental shifts in the understanding of things.

And in other movies that'd be fine. And maybe it's still fine for you, and you'll have fun, and that's what matters. I was just hoping to have something to really gnaw on, and I didn't get that.

[marquisedegramont]

Hiiiiii! Okay, so you asked me about hoplesslydevoted but I want to hear your version. How'd they meet? Who caught feelings first? What makes them such a good match? That kind of thing. Thank you for writing! 💖

(Also if people send me enough asks and prompts about these two, I'll make a masterlist like I did for John and Santino. I could see myself writing a lot more about them. No pressure tho!)

YAYYYY HOPELESSLYDEVOTED :3 all of these are headcanons ^_^ ackkk sorry for the late response i had to make sure all my thoughts were coherent </3

How did they meet?

Before Vincent was Autem Imperator he was an associate of the Table, particularly under Gianna/The Camorra. He was close to Gianna specifically and being an associate of the Table meant also being a target due to you know, association. So you know, Gianna got him a bodyguard which was Chidi who previously worked under her! Yayy Gianna out favorite wingwoman ^_^. Admittedly, Vincent didn’t like the idea of a bodyguard because he was still pretty immature in his college years and well, he felt like Gianna was a little too concerned over him which Vincent didn’t like. But still, Vincent was a social butterfly and confided a lot in Chidi and always talked to him since Chidi was practically almost always there for him. I’ve always thought of them as the yapper + listener duo and it’s honestly canon. Chidi did talk, but most of the time he lets Vincent talk and he just listens.

Who caught feelings first?

I always thought it’d be funny to headcanon Chidi as a dense guy, like he’s just doing his job while Vincent is banging on the walls and kicking the air every night in his bedroom cringing at the fact his flirting seemed to go over Chidi’s head. But you know, the universe still makes it’s way!! It took a lot of time for Vincent to actually get over his own ego from not being asked out and he made his feelings be known to Chidi. Although it did take time for Chidi to fully grasp the fact Vincent liked him in another way that wasn’t just being appreciative. And then Chidi started catching feelings and it was like Vincent started to see clarity. And then they started to FU-

What makes them such a good match?

Introvert + extrovert, listener + talker, undying loyalty and devotion that borderlines worship, and they’re both evil. They’re both cocky, and arrogant, and they’re fucking great at it!!

Other stuff ( Headcanons / sfw + nsfw for fun )

- Vincent has a cat named Lacey that likes to torment Chidi

- ^ It’s okay, she’s their daughter

- Most of the time, Chidi has to talk Vincent out of doing impulsive stuff</3

- And other times Vincent talks for Chidi!

- When Vincent goes to his other estates, he will specifically tell the housekeepers not to give Chidi a room because he wants him close. By that I mean, he wants Chidi in his bed only

- Chidi knows how to cook, Vincent knows how to bake. Unfortunately all Vincent does in the kitchen is sit there and look pretty

- Vincent gets easily jealous whenever Chidi talks to someone else in a positive tone

- Vincent insists on doing Chidi’s tie for him, and they end up having the same knots

Sexy time ^_^

- They’re constantly switching roles but Vincent is a power bottom most of the time because he likes to be of service to his exhausted bodyguard

- Vincent likes being manhandled, who wouldn’t

- Both are possessive of each other!!

- ^ They like to leave marks on each other, mostly Vincent who likes to put scratches on Chidi

- They’re both freaks. They both get hard at the thought of each other with blood on, or stabbing someone

- Chidi goes feral when Vincent refers to him as his

- Vincent has a fascination with pain and likes either administering it or taking it

- ^ He chokes Chidi sometimes (his weak ass can’t really do much)

- Vincent is loud, and the housekeepers in his estate have to just walk past that room (crack fic idea perchance)

- Chidi can manhandle Vincent easily

- ^ Vincent likes it ofc ofc

[wahbegan]

I love Se7en but every time i think of John Doe i get irrationally angry. Seven deadly sins murders is a cool concept, and he managed to fuck up every single one of them.

Gluttony: A fat guy, very original. Fat people are everywhere, why this particular guy? He lived in a shithouse apartment, that he rarely ever left, all alone. Dude, by all counts, had a miserable life. There are chucklefuck foodies eating at fine restaurants, gnawing at three course meals with a price tag that could feed a hundred squawking mouths and then throwing the rest in the sewer because it wasn’t up to their standards and you picked a poor fat guy. A plus, you fucking idiot Greed: Yes, a lawyer, very clever. Except criminal defense lawyers don’t make the best money out of lawyers and do an integral service to the community. Get an ambulance chaser, one of those class-action dickheads who really screws their clients or a corporate lawyer it you must get a lawyer for fuck’s sake, but there are people richer and shittier than them Lust: A girl who committed the sin of hooking. Here let me define hooking real quick. Hooking, verb, informal. To have sex with PAYING customers for MONEY. If she wanted to have the sex that badly, she wouldn’t be charging for it, numbnuts. Kill the John. Better idea, kill any random rapist, you live in Rain City, Home of The Permanent Neo-Noir Filter and dudes who stab their mugging victims’ eyes out for fun, apparently, surely it can’t be that fucking difficult to find one. Sloth: The only one who definitely did deserve to die, and yet for the life of me i have no idea what the fuck the sin of Sloth has to do with his crimes. A drug-dealing pedophile? Great! Oh, you need a lust victim, why don’t you get him instead, dip-ass? Sloth. I know Sloth’s a hard sin to find someone who does it egregiously enough to kill them over, but come the fuck on Pride: Okay, have you ever actually spoken with a model? Models are the most put-upon women on Earth, any pride that they have a thin veneer over a lifetime of damage, insecurities, and self-objectification. Matter of fact, i’m not sure any woman is 100% qualified for the sin of Pride just cause of the (Joker voice) sOcIeTy we live in. In contrast, talk to literally any man at a bar. I guarantee it won’t take longer than 45 minutes to find a mark. Wrath and Envy: Okay, i guess doing yourself for Envy works? Got a long list of sins other than that, chief among them being a prize-winning fucking dumbass, but sure. And Wrath, a dirty cop quick to resort to violence! Excellent! Too bad you decided to get all Medieval and kill his family instead of him, accomplishing nothing. I know you think it proves out your stupid little philosophy, but did the Wrathful person stop existing? No? So it’s no fucking punishment, is it?

Fuck John Doe. Fucking ludicrous, that guy is an asshole. Follow for more fictional serial killer reviews

[strideofpride]

anything you’ve been watching/reading lately that you’d recommend? i think you have stellar taste in media (aka it often matches mine lol) so am curious! hope you feel better soon 💖

Ummmm yes, love this ask!!! (Also I’m so flattered 🥰 you have great taste as well btw)

Books:

Mo Ryan’s Burn It Down! If you’re at all interested in the entertainment industry and how it all gets made, this is basically required reading

the Succession script books (pricey but personally worth it)

I just finished Jill Gutowitz’s Girls Can Kiss Now and felt very seen, a wee bit too relatable

And I’m currently also reading Ann Patchett’s This is the Story of a Happy Marriage, which is a great book for my fellow writers to read

Substack:

I’m a paid subscriber to Hunter Harris’ Hung Up newsletter and I’ve never once regretted it lol

Gotta shout out Dracula Daily as well as the one podcast I listen to rn, re: Dracula (I listen and read at the same time which is perfect for me lol)

Gilmore Women - a Gilmore Girls recap newsletter that talks about everything wrong with each episode lol. I sped through the first six seasons and now I’m depressed that I’m caught up lol

TV:

Minx s2 - it is on Starz which I know most people don’t have but this season has been EXCELLENT

Only Murders in the Building s3 - it’s like a comfort show for me at this point, despite being about murder it makes me feel so cozy. Nora Ephron vibes

The Bear s2 - everyone’s been talking about it already but I just finished and god it was GOOD

The Sopranos - everyone should be doing # Sopranos Sunday with me!!! It’s so fun!! This show is soooo good, really living up to the hype for me

Acapulco - really cute show, makes me wish I was still on vacation in Mexico

Poker Face - bring back standalone episodes like this!!! Bring back character actors doing incredible guest star roles!!!

The Other Two - just. It was the funniest show on TV. It really was. 30 Rock’s spiritual successor which is pretty much the highest praise I can give it

Movies:

Red Eye - I rewatched it after Oppenheimer and it really holds up. Fun, tight thriller that is only like an hour 20 lol. Also Brian Cox aka Logan Roy is in it (and Jayma Mays my beloved)

Theater Camp - as a Jewish theater kid who went to and/or worked at a summer camp every year of her life from ages 4-20, there was no way I wasn’t gonna like this

Mamma Mia series - obviously everyone on tumblr knows about these already but I made my family watch them with me for the Fourth of July and god if I could live in the world of any movie it’d be this one ❤️

Man Up - very cute & fun British rom com I first discovered in college and rewatched this summer. Everyone has incredible comedic chemistry in this, and Lake Bell & Simon Pegg have great sexual chemistry as well (quite a lot of British faces who were nobodies when this was made who’ve gone on to bigger things - most notably Phoebe Waller-Bridge who’s only in a single scene)

X-Men: First Class - my favorite superhero movie ❤️

Indiana Jones series - I rewatched the whole series and saw the new one in theaters this summer. The first and third are literal masterpieces. Second one is mean spirited and racist. Fourth actually has quite a bit of charm, but then it fell apart in the back half. The new one…woof. Nobody but Steven Spielberg should be allowed to direct Indy movies.

Asteroid City - the longer it’s been since I saw it, the more and more I think it might be Wes’ masterpiece

Past Lives - incredible. But I know you already know that one lol

Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret - perfect, perfect film.

The Other Guys - we need Adam McKay and Will Ferrell to get back together, the fate of studio comedies hangs on this (anyway this movie is hilarious - but also if hell is real Marky Mark is obviously gonna burn for all eternity)

Comedy:

John Mulaney: Baby J - I saw him do this special live when he was touring it and I’m mad he cut the FBI bit but he’s still got it