#many fell by the wayside when i first started mine

[askarkham]

Inbox is OPEN - only for a few days...so get your ask in now! :)

-Ronnie

[synergysilhouette]

"Batman: Caped Crusader" review

Binge-watched this show, and I wanted to be one of many people to share my thoughts on this--plus I was spurred on by getting a wish of mine granted from the show. Make sure to check out the show if you can!

The animation is beautiful--I know this is a weird comparison, but soemthing about the animation reminds me of 2010s Scooby Doo animated films, and I kind of adore that.

The voice acting was...fine--I can't tell if it was poor performances or poor direction; Hamish's Bruce Wayne sounds too raspy/rugged some of the time, like he's still playing Batman, and many of the other actors felt like they were just reading lines rather than performing lines, not enough emotion. IDK if they're more used to live-action work, but voice-acting is a different ballgame, since your voice is all you have to convey the character. A lot of performances fell flat for me, but it wasn't 100% unbearable, just underwhelming. I have some people I'd recommend instead (both familiar to the role and otherwise), but I don't wanna start anything.

LOVED Harley (but not her costume)--Jamie Chung had one of the better performances in the group, and I really LOVED the angle they did for Harley; I feel like the media often flanderizes her as the goofy crazy chick, so seeing her actually utilize her psychology skills (like I've been asking for!) is so satisfying. That said, the outfit has GOT TO GO. Gold and black is gorgeous, but it ples in comparison to her black and red look. And a weird nit-pick; when I first saw the stills, I was under the impression she was wearing a carnival-esque mask rather than face paint, and I find that idea a lot creepier. I wish we'd gotten more of Harley's antics--and even seeing her get close to Bruce in the way she did with Barbara and Renee--before revealing her as a big bad to the public. And I appreciate that she isn't 100% evil; she is doing what she believes is a noble cause, just doing it in an illegal and unethical way. I needed a backstory!

Not enough Batman--Maybe it's just me, but it definitely felt like there were some episodes where Bruce and Batman were supporting characters and more focus was on the GCPD. While I don't mind it too much, I enjoy superhero shows for the superheroes, not the heroes; this is why I had a love/hate relationship with "Gotham."

Batman (and Bruce) isn't quite likeable enough--In earlier incarnations, Batman was more kind and caring before becoming more emotionally closed off with time, but here he's that way from the get-go. Not to mention that Bruce Wayne puts on a facade around everyone, even people he trusts (he probably did that anyway; I can't remember), and his session with Harleen really frustrated me because I don't expect his walls to come down immediately, I don't expect them to be this high this early. I wanted him to be a bit warmer and transparent, rather than curt and cold like he's usually seen in the show. I feel like this is an issue often seen in comics, too; people prioritize Batman's "coolness" and thus push his feelings to the wayside.

Using underrated and familiar villains--I'm sure the real experts are gonna chew me out for this one, but as someone who got into comics in the 2010s and didn't catch up on the acclaimed 90s series, it was fun to see villains I loved and villains I didn't know; one of the best things a popular property can do is use underrated characters, since it helps the show feel original and fresh (thus why "Teen Titans" is so enjoyable; the whole franchise is underrated).

Too modern for the 1940s--I can't put my fingers on it exactly, but the vibes feel too modern; I assume the 1940s was for aesthetics, but since everything else feels updated (from the way people talk to Harley and Renee seemingly being open about their feelings for each other), I don't think it was a wise choice to have it both ways. I see no reason not to have it in modern-day, but I suppose you'd have to get more creative with technology.

Barbara and the Robins--First off, I should've gambled with someone that Jason would be a redhead; I'd have made SO MUCH money. Secondly, I'm not crazy about how all four kids are orphans; If I recall correctly, both Carrie and Stephanie's parents were alive when they joined the Batfamily. In any case, I'm confused on why Barbara is significantly older than them when they're all supposed to be within the same age bracket (I think; someone has told me otherwise since posting this, so I could be wrong). Not to mention, a part of me worries that because of the quartet's young ages and Barbara getting so much screentime as a lawyer, we won't get any of them as Robins or Batgirls unless something drastic happens, and/or we get a time jump.

Overall, I think my biggest gripes are the voice acting and how Batman/Bruce Wayne is written. That said, I enjoyed the show overall. IDK why HBO Max dropped it. Hopefully season 2 will introduce Poison Ivy, Catman, Tim Drake, Ghostmaker, and Gardener, since the finale already showed us a certain someone who IS coming to Gotham.

[ritavonbees]

Everyone comes to this by a different path, so let me add mine - also highly urban.

I had a year of parental leave with each of my babies, starting June 18 and June 20. first one i was mostly wandering around with little cartoon stars and birdies circling my head. I kinda got into diy/recycling crafts and Street Bounty and low waste object swapping Facebook groups. one place you can reliably take a baby is parks, so i touched more grass than the year before. but then the bushfire summer hit. stuck inside with a baby i spent a lot of time on macrame Instagram. i read so many fucking tutorials. then once i could go outside again i picked up some jacaranda twigs and went, huh. i think i could make a basket out of these.

i looked up a YouTube tutorial. i made a basket. it felt good.

a lot of this stuff fell by the wayside when i went back to work full time.

baby two, pandemic boogaloo, I'm back on Instagram and random basket weaving websites. I'm taking the kids to the park and examining the long grass to see if I can twine it. I'm sitting indoors being completely exhausted and browsing lists of plants you can do crafts with. I'm picking up a cool stick with flowers on it on the way home from daycare and putting it in a jar of water and it's growing little fucking miniature plants off its leaves what the fuck it's fucking magic????

I make a very silly post in a local Plant People Facebook group like great, now i gotta be responsible for this fucking plant (what do) and strangers are laughing with me, explaining things to me, driving past to do contactless drop off of a small pot with some dirt in it.

I live in a fifth floor flat and I'm into fucking plants now I guess.

I discover that succulents are trendy at the moment and bits of them fall off people's balconies a lot.

I crowd every available surface in my bedroom with cuttings, mostly in water.

I keep the internet posted about my new interest. friends I've never talked to about this topic before turn out to be into plants. they give me cuttings and seeds.

by the time I go back to work again I've got plants I can't just drop like a macrame project - they need looking after so they don't die. When I don't have energy to spare outside of work and trying to make babies go to sleep? I'm taking five minutes every day to check on the plants. Aha when my husband says "I've got the kids this morning and you're going outside to do something for yourself" I've got a local landcare group to volunteer with - they maintain patches of native wildlife in my area.

long-winded way to say. Something genuinely changed for me because I hitched my wagon to something with its own rhythm. But the community part is also vital. I needed that connection. I'm not cut out to be a hermit in the woods, I don't have the executive function lol. But engaging with the environment has always been a collective action of human groups. And a city is nothing if not an abundance of human community potential, whether or not it's currently being directed towards something you can engage with.

does your city have community gardens? Permaculture orgs? landcare societies? if you can get out there on a regular basis, you learn a lot by talking to old people while doing simple tasks like weeding. if not (and since we moved house I haven't had the time or energy to find these things in my new area yet), there are so many podcasts and YouTube channels and Facebook groups and discord servers -

I agree with 'listen to the plants' but it's also very productive to listen to people.

I really like your posts about nature and plants. I live in a big city, and I would like to be more connected with the natural world around me, as limited as it may be. I wanted to ask if you might have any advice. So far I know a good portion of the types of trees, wildflowers, and birds. And I like to visit the parks and public gardens. But I would love to take steps to learn even more. What would you suggest? Thank you for your time :)

Once you know what some of the plants and animals are, you are in a good place to pay attention to what they do. What they teach. Their ways, their work. That sounds fanciful. It's not—they are not objects, things, they are creatures. Even plants have ways of living and growing, responding to their environment, and belonging to a community.

Pay attention to the plants that no one planted—the plants that popped up on their own. Pay attention to where they thrive and where they struggle. When you see a sad and frail plant, ask why is it sad? When you see a flourishing plant, ask the reasons for its success. Pay attention to their behavior.

This one creeps across the ground like a shaggy rug, and this one shoots up tall and straight. What does this mean?

When you see a plant growing in an unusual place, ask, How did it get here? Maybe it was the wind? Maybe it was water, or a bird?

Consider first the plants you see everywhere, in cracks in the pavement and in the seams between brick pavers. The brave dandelion, the tenacious goosegrass, the low-creeping spurge, perhaps. Maybe say hello. I say hello to plants. Become familiar with where they grow, their companions, and what hardships do them harm.

It takes repetition to notice how many living things are around you. Look again—there are more plants in the shoulder of the road or the little neglected patch of mulch than you could see before! (Hello, hello, hello, hello. Hello! hello!)

You will start to realize things. It will seem to fall out of the sky into your head. The apparent randomness of the plants that grow in the neglected places disappears. There is an elegance to the ways of weeds: some arrive first, and some come after their companions; some tolerate the harsh baking sun and some cling to shady crevices; some are found in only a specific place...and some are surprises you never would have expected.

Look closely at patches of grass and roadsides and parks, and sooner or later it will happen: Oh. That's not a weed or a wildflower...that's a baby tree.

I got started with growing plants by gently pulling them up from pavement at the shoulder of the road in my neighborhood. It took two months to figure out how to help them survive. The method I worked out was to punch holes in the bottom of red solo cups and use them as pots, keeping them outside in the shade of the Virginia creeper vine, elevated about 2 inches above the porch on some metal shelves I fished out of the trash. Their roots need to be moist, but they can't be soggy—good drainage is vital. I like to mix sand and half-rotted leaves in with their potting mix.

The red solo cup is about as small as you can go without exposing the roots to too much temperature and moisture change. You should not get the plant's leaves dirty or wet if at all possible—bring transplanted is quite a shock, and you can introduce rot and sickness at such a delicate time.

You don't have to grow any plants for yourself, but it is awfully tempting, because for the most part, no one can stop you. That's the thing that was so life-changing to me. Even in a highly controlled human environment, even amidst traffic, extreme conditions, and herbicides, the plants have not given up on us.

I didn't start in the woods, I started on the side of the road, paying attention to the tiny seedlings that were trying to return my home to forest. It was in the world of pavement and lawns that my first major realizations came—oh. Nature is on our side, fighting back. Nature has not left us. They are so brave and so, so tough, and we can take care of them.

And it is true that the diversity and robustness of the forest or the grassland or the bog or the canebrake is incredible compared to the human world, and it makes me sad how few of those incredible living things can survive close to our inconsiderate ways...but the straggling weeds and brave seedlings that emerge are typically here because they are the pioneer species. They are the first: they are adapted to begin the healing after destruction. Admire them for their bravery and aggression. I admire even the kudzu and Bradford pear, even though I also feel sorry for them and the other invasive species as I rip them out of the ground. It's like someone in a zombie movie pulling the trigger on a loved one who has turned, except the monster is even more clearly a result of our own folly.

I could write forever about this, but your journey is your own. Listen to them and they will show you. Behave contrary to the expectations of our world; view other life forms as your neighbors instead of mere objects.

This is the way to unlock the shackles of helplessness. You may think to yourself: Our world is dying, and I can't do anything to help. But you are not alone.

Notice, notice, notice how many more living things can live in the presence of a single tree, how the unkempt areas shelter and protect life. Notice where life is and where it thrives.

And you, a human, can be a caretaker too, protecting life where it reaches out to you. Oaks give you acorns and flowers give you seeds, trusting forces beyond their control to bring them to places where they can thrive. Wildflowers grow in the grass, asking nothing from us except mercy.

Hello Yarrow, who dressed the wounds of Achilles. Hello Dandelion, who resists annihilation, food for insects and humans. Hello Virginia Creeper, who shades my window, shelters my saplings from the sun, and feeds birds on their migration. Hello Pokeweed, giving us your brilliant pinks and purples as dyes, desperate food of the poor and enslaved. Hello American Burnweed, who sequesters atmospheric nitrogen polluting the air. Hello Frost Aster, breaker of cycles, surviving roadsides and lawns, blooming at the first frost with incredible abundance to feed the butterflies and bees. Hello Horseweed, first to evolve resistance to Roundup. Hello Crabgrass, ruiner of lawns, brought here by enslaved people as food.

The pioneer species make shelter for the others. They shade the ground, their scrubby growth catches the leaves and gathers them to rot over the winter, and their roots and dense foliage hold the slowly building topsoil in place and keep it moist. They are weeds, tough as nails and twice as mean. Many are useful, edible, medicinal.

Where plants grow without being planted, that is a sign that the ecosystem we are part of still works to restore it. We do not have to save the world all by ourselves. We have help. The rest of Nature has not abandoned us.

There is no clearly defined answer. It is a journey and a conversation. Listen, pay attention, ask questions of even the humblest little moss and bug and flower. They will teach you.

[five-rivers]

Danger First

Chapter 3

@pocketramblr (also please let me know if you would like me to stop tagging you on these, I don't want to be annoying. :))

"WAIT!" shouted Nana abruptly, as Izuku was talking to his (weirdo) teacher. "I know who that is! Quick, get ready to turn everything off!"

"Turn what off?" asked En. "We live in a formless mental void. We don't even have electricity."

"The quirk! That's Eraserhead!"

"Oh, yeah," said Yoichi, while everyone else (sans Second and Third) scrambled to grab onto the quirk. "I remember Eight meeting him, now! So, he's a teacher, huh?"

"How do all of you forget the one person who might be capable of one-shotting All for One?" demanded Nana.

"Doesn't his quirk not work on mutations?"

"Stop daydreaming and get over here, Yoichi!"

The quirkspace began to glow faintly, ominously red, and the ghosts pulled hard on the quirk, holding it temporarily out of Izuku's reach.

Then, the red glow abated and they dropped it back into place.

"Well, that was exhausting," said Banjo. "So, we'll have to be constantly ready for that, huh?"

"As long as he's around, yeah," said Nana.

"Why did we just do that, anyway?" asked En.

"So we can continue to masquerade as a normal, non-haunted quirk?"

"We could have just let him think he didn't have a quirk, or that the anxiety-"

"Super anxiety."

"-isn't part of it."

Yoichi gasped, as if scandalized. "You'd want us to lie to Izuku?"

"Okay, seriously, what is up with you and Nine?" asked En.

Despite not having a body, Yoichi began to visibly sweat. "Nothing, nothing at all. I just... think he's neat?"

"If you're going to lie to us, can you not do it with archaeomemes?" asked Nana.

"No, no, actually, I can get behind this," said En. "Would you say Izuku has... vibes?"

Yoichi nodded solemnly.

.

"Young Midoriya!"

Izuku shrieked and jumped back from the sudden sound as All Might suddenly emerged from an otherwise innocuous bush.

Both of them froze, staring at each other.

"Are you..." said All Might, hesitantly, sounding much more like he did in his small form than usual, "alright?"

"I... think so?"

"That's good, then." All Might coughed slightly into his fist. "I was wondering if you had a few minutes."

"Of- of course!" said Izuku, immediately.

"Then allow me to lead the way!"

All Might led him through a door labeled 'staff only' and immediately deflated. "All the staff know about my condition," explained Mr. Yagi.

Izuku nodded. Then a thought occurred to him. "Mr. Yagi?"

"Yes, my boy?"

"Why, um, why don't you teach, um, as Mr. Yagi? Instead of as All Might? Wouldn't it save your time?"

Mr. Yagi stopped and scratched his head. "I hadn't really thought about it before," he admitted. "But part of the reason I took this job, other than wanting to help train the next generation of heroes, of course, is that I want to get people used to the idea that I am going to retire." He tugged on one of his bangs. "Also, ah, I'm not sure if my qualifications to teach are quite up to par without my reputation."

"I'm sure it would be fine! You're the best, after all!"

Mr. Yagi chuckled. "I'm glad you think so," he said. Then he reached behind him and opened a door. "In any case: my office."

"Wow," said Izuku, quietly, stepping in. "All Might's office..." Who knew when he'd get another opportunity like this again? He kept his eyes wide to drink in the details.

The rather sparse details. The office was rather bare. Which made sense, seeing as All Might was a brand-new teacher. It was sort of... disappointing, as thrilling as it was.

Mr. Yagi sat down behind the desk and gestured for Izuku to take one of the other chairs. It had a lot of cushioning. A lot a lot. Izuku sank down into the fluff as Mr. Yagi fiddled with a drawer on his desk. He got the drawer open, and pulled out a notebook. A notebook of the same brand Izuku liked to use, actually.

"Since your experiences with One for All are so different from mine, I thought it might be a good idea to do some research into past holders and take a leaf out of your notebook, as it were." He passed the notebook over to Izuku, who took it with shaking hands and a slightly open mouth.

"I'll treasure it," he declared, voice wobbling.

"Not so much that you don't use it, I hope," said Mr. Yagi. "As it is, it's only an overview. The earlier holders, especially, don't have many records associated with them. Consider it a starting point. I haven't had much time to work on it."

"I can't believe you found the time to write this at all," said Izuku, flipping through the pages. The information was sparse, but each holder had a basic profile, all the way back to the fourth. "I mean, between being a hero, training me, and preparing to be a teacher, I'm stunned nothing fell by the wayside!"

Mr. Yagi proceeded to turn a very interesting color.

"Uh, nothing fell by the wayside, right?"

"Why don't you take a few minutes to skim through. If anything jumps out at you right away, we can talk about it. And then I'll let you go get changed and go home, and we can discuss more later, after you've had more time with it."

"Okay!" said Izuku. He'd start with just the basic profiles. Name, date of birth, date of death, quirk... wait, those ages... "They all died young," he said, softly.

"Hero work is dangerous," said Mr. Yagi, hand going to his side.

"There's something else, isn't there?"

"Not something you need to worry about. I took care of it, years ago." The hand holding his side spasmed slightly.

"... Six years ago?" asked Izuku, aware he was pushing his luck. But this sounded both important and relevant.

There was a long pause. "Yes," said All Might, finally. "A villain with a longevity quirk. He... had a history with the first user."

Izuku got the feeling that was an understatement. It also seemed unlikely that the only application of the villain's quirk was longevity, given what he'd done to All Might. But the subject was clearly making All Might uncomfortable, so he dropped it in favor of burying his nose in the notebook again.

(Social fumbles aside, this was the most secure Izuku had felt for... a while.)

"The sixth user had a smoke quirk?"

"Yes, it seems so. Although it doesn't seem to have been actual smoke, but a biological compound."

"I wonder if that has anything to do with all the steam you release when you deflate. Actually..." he flipped back through the quirk. "I wonder if you're using Float, too, subconsciously, when you jump."

"What?"

"I- I mean," said Izuku, "I noticed, when, um, when I grabbed your ankle and also in videos of you- Your hang time is kind of messed up? You're in the air for longer than you should be, but it isn't, like, consistent? Plus, you can change direction mid-air, which I thought was because you were shooting out blasts of air pressure with your quirk, but with me on your ankle, you definitely didn't do that. There was- there was a forum I was on where some people thought your quirk tapped into magnetic fields, somehow, but that doesn't make any sense, because you'd expect a lot more electronic interference and that similar locations would produce similar results, given the Earth's magnetic field, but they don't. But subconscious, low-level use of a telekinesis-based flying quirk would explain everything. If we take into account what you said about my anxiety after the entrance exam, then that's minor expressions of three out of four of the quirks listed here, not counting the base stockpile and enhancement quirk. Do you think the unknown quirks of the second and third users might have partially manifested for you as well? Have you experienced anything else that's atypical for a strength enhancement quirk?"

Mr. Yagi stared at Izuku.

Oh, no, he'd gone too far.

"Nothing immediately comes to mind, my boy," he said, faintly. "But... magnets? Really?"

"I told you it didn't make any sense."

Mr. Yagi rubbed his chin. "There might be something, but... it's too unclear to say either way. I'll keep an eye out. It's just... a lot to take in. I thought One for All was done surprising me."

"When has it surprised you before?"

"Oh, under the influence of certain mental quirks, you can wind up hallucinating the previous users."

"Hallucinating?"

"Yes. But being under the influence of a mental quirk is always the larger issue, so..."

"Mr. Yagi," said Izuku. "That's really the kind of thing you should let people know about up front."

"I- is it?"

.

The ghosts all stared at Nana.

"Hey, don't blame this on me! None of us explained that kind of stuff before passing One for All on."

"In our defense," said En, half raising a hand, "we were usually dying when we passed it on."

"More importantly," said Hikage, "do you think Ninth is right about the quirks?"

"It would make sense," mused Yoichi. "Although then we'd have to wonder why Blackwhip didn't manifest similarly."

"Is it too much for me to get someone to use my quirk? My extremely awesome quirk, that has no downsides?"

"It is powered almost exclusively by rage."

"No downsides."

"You-"

"No. Downsides."

.

Aizawa passed him an envelope labeled 'quirk counseling' along with the standard schedule and orientation packet he was handing to everyone else. It didn't look like any of his class mates had noticed, though, for which Izuku was grateful. He didn't want to be known as a weirdo who didn't know what his own quirk was.

He heavily suspected he was tapping into Danger Sense, somehow, but he didn't know how, and the fourth user of One for All had lived so long ago there weren't any records of him. Not easily and publicly available. Everything Mr. Yagi had written in his notebook (that Izuku had probably stayed up way too late reading... and texting Mr. Yagi about it... and comparing it to his notes... and texting Mr. Yagi about that... and reviewing old All Might compilations and theory threads... and having Mr. Yagi threaten to call his mom if he didn't go to sleep...) about the fourth user had been retrieved from the journals Mr. Yagi's mentor had passed down, according to one of the source notes in the margin.

(Mr. Yagi had really neat, small handwriting, which Izuku wouldn't have ever expected from his large, dramatic signatures as All Might, and his notes were meticulous and carefully cited. If Izuku didn't know better, he would have thought it belonged to a secretary.)

But despite Izuku's suspicions, he didn't actually know. He didn't know it's range, what it defined as danger, whether or not it 'ranked' dangers, how to distinguish it from normal anxiety, or- Well. Anything, really. And he would really like to.

He opened the envelope quietly. Inside was a handwritten note instructing him to pick one of three schedules for quirk counseling and return it to Aizawa by the end of the day. The other pages were printed, with times and possible locations. Options for both before and after the school day.

Izuku felt his eyes tearing up. This was easily the nicest thing a teacher had ever done for him... Although he was nervous about being alone with Aizawa. Some of his other teachers, when they asked him to stay after class it was... not good.

Nothing bad happened, not like in movies or TV shows or the awareness videos the school had shown sometimes. The teachers didn't hurt him, really, didn't do anything to him, other than talk or yell, mostly, but it still wasn't good.

Maybe he could ask Mr. Yagi or Recovery Girl to sit in... But he already felt bad, taking up so much of their time.

He picked one of the after school schedules. He was already staying late on the other days to work with Mr. Yagi, and if something did go wrong, he wanted to have the night to recover before he had to face Aizawa again in class.

He put it to the side, so he'd remember to give it to Aizawa before he left, then looked over the class schedule. Homeroom, Math, Hero Art History, History, and English in the morning. At least this morning. The history classes alternated with something called Heroics-Applied Science and Hero Law and Ethics. Afternoons, meanwhile, were entirely occupied by Hero Basic Training.

And every class would be taught by a pro hero. He wondered if it would be rude to ask for their autographs...

.

Shouta grunted as Hizashi flopped down onto the couch next to him on the couch in the staff breakroom. "What a morning! I just love seeing all those bright little faces at the beginning of the year. Anyone have a favorite first year yet?"

Shouta kicked Hizashi through his sleeping bag. Sadly, this had no effect on the man.

"I think mine might be the little green guy. He's the only one who was actually paying attention, and you know how rare that is, when everyone is anticipating their first heroics lesson. The rest of us just pale in comparison."

Shouta attempted to kick Hizashi again, this time for an entirely different reason. Midoriya was already All Might's favorite (probably)- he did not need more pull with the staff.

"I know who my least favorite is," said Kan. "Kid's certainly dedicated and competitive, but I wouldn't be surprised if he threatened his middle school teachers into giving him those glowing reviews. His personality needs a lot of work. How did you get Nezu to saddle me with Bakugo, anyway, Eraser?"

"I had nothing to do with it."

"Don't give me that, I was going to have Monoma. At least he's a team player."

"You're being illogical," said Shouta, zipping his sleeping bag closed over his face.

"How about you, Nemuri?" asked Hizashi, cutting off Vlad King vs Eraserhead round five hundred.

"It's hard to choose! They're all so cute and eager! Full of the passion of youth! I think they're all my favorite."

"You always say that..."

The door opened and closed.

"All Might! What about you? Any favorites yet?"

Yagi coughed. "I've only had the one class of third years so far. Don't you think that's rather... premature?"

What an incredible nonanswer.

"How did that first class of yours go, anyway? They didn't sour you to the whole idea of teaching, did they?"

"Not at all! The students were wonderful. The third years are very advanced, aren't they? For some of them, I wouldn't be shocked to see that skill level on an active sidekick."

"What can I say? We start them off right," crowed Hizashi.

"They did seem a little surprised by the scenario, however."

"So was I, t'be honest," said Snipe, who was in charge of the third years.

"Ah, was it no good...?"

"It was fine. Lesson plan was a bit rough around the edges, but you and Nezu'll be goin' over that later. But... quirk traffickin' doesn't quite seem like your thing."

"Ah, well, set-pieces," he said, using the slightly derisive underground slang for large-scale spotlight hero battles, "may be what I'm known for, but before my injury, the majority of my battles and investigations weren't publicized."

"Shield laws?" asked Nemuri.

"Generally, yes, but some of the investigations were tied to others, so we were using the organized crime secrecy laws to keep those under wraps. Simply put, my popularity isn't the only reason I keep the number one spot despite Endeavor having more completed cases than me on paper."

Shouta had known there was more to All Might than 'punchy, over-the-top, eyestrain-causing, bombastic muscle guy,' but part of his stupid, illogical brain was annoyed at Yagi for pummeling that image into imaginary dust, anyway. It seemed like the man's only two flaws were horrible interpersonal skills when not using his public persona, and his vast suite of health issues, the latter of which all heroes who operated long enough picked up.

Oh, and a possible inclination towards bribery.

Made it hard to dislike him, which Shouta wanted to do, because he was loud, flashy, and gave him headaches, literal and metaphorical. He ignored the fact that Hizashi was the same way, and had forcibly become Shouta's best friend. Clearly, there was no connection here.

"By the way, why is young Aizawa completely zipped in like that?"

"Nap time," said Hizashi, solemnly.

.

"Sir?" said Iida, raising his hand.

"Yes, young man?" boomed All Might.

"There are nineteen of us. How are we handling the odd person out?"

"Excellent question! In other exercises, we may handle it differently, but for today, one of you will be working alone! Occasionally, a hero may find themselves isolated when they originally expected help. However, for better balance, I have also arranged it so the odd hero out will be taking part in the last battle, so you'll have more time to strategize!"

But the other team would also have more time to strategize, Izuku noted. He really hoped it wouldn't be him... not that he wanted to force it on any if his classmates! He just didn't want yet another handicap on the first day of training.

All Might walked around with the box of ballots, pausing for each student to take one. He reached Izuku and held the box out to him with a wink. Izuku smiled back, reached in, and grabbed one.

A chill ran up his back and he froze, fingers wrapped tightly around the little ball. Something told him this was definitely the cursed, single-person ballot. Could he let it go? Would it be considered cheating if he picked a new one?

But All Might was already walking away. Every part of his body tense, Izuku turned his hand over and forced his fingers apart.

J.

The tenth character of the Latin alphabet. For the tenth, last, team.

He watched as everyone else started to pair up, and All Might looked at him apologetically.

Izuku approximated a smile. Plus ultra, right?

[yourfangirlfriend]

It’s Nothing Serious - Chapter Six

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Five and a Half

A/N: idk if this is good but I’ve been putting off writing it and perfect is the enemy of done so here you go, I had fun

It’s not not serious.

At least, this seems to be the mutual conclusion you have both silently reached after that weirdly intimate night you never talked about, either.

And yes, you’re aware of how childish that is.

For two people voluntarily living in one of the more dangerous cities on the continent, it turns out you’re both pretty cowardly. But why put yourselves through the agony of all that when you could both instead play a game of emotional chicken to test where the boundaries are?

You go first the morning the two of you wake up in your bed. You both woke up in a tangle of limbs and slid out of bed after the second snooze alarm went off. He had just pulled on his jeans when he reached for the shirt you had folded the night before.

“Wait,” you said. You walked to the closet and pulled a crisp black shirt off its hanger, continuing to brush your teeth and you walked up and deposited it in his hand. “I washed this after you let me wear it home.”

That night we made pasta and I spilled sauce on my shirt and you took it off and fucked me in your kitchen until the chicken burnt-

He looks up at you, his eyebrows raised.

“What?”

“Nothing,” he shakes his head before pulling it over his shoulders. “Thank you.”

You give him a look before dipping into the bathroom to spit.

After a quick cup of coffee, you’re both striding towards your door when you stop short. He turns and looks at you, waiting for you to take another step and flick the deadbolt. Instead, you ask

“Are you going to be okay? Today, I mean. With...”

His face falls a little, like he was expecting to get out of this without you mentioning it. It makes your heart hurt.

“I’m fine,” he says, curtly. He drops his head to look at his shoes. You swallow.

“So...drinks tonight? Still?” You reach out and bop his hand with yours.

“Not if you don’t open the door.”

You roll your eyes, walking forward and flicking the bolt. You pull the door open and he catches it, holding it back for you as you take the first step out.

“...yeah. I’ll be back around 6,” he says as you finish locking the door. You drop the keys in your purse, straightening up as the two of you walk towards and out the doors.

“Bar or your place?”

“Mine.”

“You sure? It’s my turn to buy,” you say.

“No, it’s not,” he says as he opens the passenger door for you, gesturing that you climb in. You do and watch as he walks around the front to his side. “Besides, mines quieter.”

You nod, staring forward as he starts the car and pulls into the street. Like every morning, his hand falls to your knee and you feel content with his answer.

You can’t help yourself, though, when he pulls up in front of the school and parks, waiting for you to climb out. Usually, it’s a pretty quick, platonic affair- a quick “thanks, Javi” before you open the door and swing your legs out. This morning, though,

“You know,” he says when you reach for the handle. “You...you don’t have to take care of me.”

You drop your hand before turning back to face him. And maybe it’s the coffee you drank took quickly, or maybe it’s the way last night is still lingering in your head, but

“I like taking care of you.”

You reach out and pull his face to yours, letting the kiss linger before pulling away.

“See you tonight,” you said, flashing him a quick smile. If you’re not mistaken, you see the corner of his mouth twitch up before he remembers himself, and gives you a cool masculine nod. You climb out and watch as he drives away before you hear behind you:

“¿Es tu novio?”

You turn around and see three little girls from your class huddled together and giggling that they just caught the teacher doing something naughty. Despite yourself, you smile through your teacher's voice.

“Entrad, niñas. La clase está a punto de empezar.”

He makes the next move when he shows up outside the school, waiting against his car when you walk out that afternoon and he flags you down.

“Hey,” he says when you approach his car.

“Hey,” you say. “What’s up?”

“Was told to go home early,” he says. “Figured...” he waves his hand up, gesturing to you. “You got plans?”

“Was just going to swing by the liquor store. For tonight.”

“It’s not your turn to buy,” he says, moving out of the way so you can open the door. You send him a look.

“It’s the 90s. Let a girl buy you a drink, Javi.”

He smiles, and over his shoulder, you see one of the girls from this morning- Cara - sending you a shit-eating grin.

Despite yourself, you give her a little wave as Javi drives the two of you out of the parking lot.

--------------

It becomes a game after that. He picks you up from school. You ask him to stay the night again, and he does. The next morning, he kisses you goodbye in front of Steve, whose eyebrows you see pop up from the corner of your eye. That night, you stay over at his and leave the spare toothbrush you brought next to his in the bathroom. The next day, he comes to your house with take-out and a tape and the two of you fall asleep on the couch, drunk and full. Soon, you don’t remember a night where you aren’t sleeping in the same bed or whose turn it is to initiate a sleepover. You just meet at your smoking spot and then, inevitably, one of you will lead the other to their door for the night, and inevitably, the other one will stay.

The small reminders of each other begin to pile up in your respective apartments. A mystery toothbrush appears in your bathroom. Then there’s a jacket and two of his shirts hanging in your closet. A drawer in his bathroom slowly begins to fill with evidence of your presence- hair ties, bobby pins, the odd bit of makeup. During one of your drunk nights, when you are once again lamenting the lack of decoration, you draw a stick-figure portrait of the apartment - you, Javi, Steve, and the creepy silent man who you only ever see leave his place to buy fish - and tape it to his fridge. He tells you you hang around kids too much, but every time you come back, it’s still up.

Then the bigger things happen. You go to dinner with him and Steve. You bring him on a double date with Alessa and Frankie. He kisses you goodbye in front of the school every morning, and you reach out and hold his hand whenever the two of you walk outside- which you do now, by the way. You walk to the grocery store, you walk to the liquor store, you walk to the corner store to buy pre and post-coital smokes, and every time his hand finds yours. You’re still having sex, you still fuck, but now, sometimes, to what would once be your disgust, it’s slower. Softer. There’s eye contact and prolonged kisses and caressing and very little hair pulling.

And god. Now there’s cuddling.

You no longer sit across the sofa to hanger a drink. No, now your legs are in his lap or his arm is around your shoulder or some other horribly intimate design the two of you just naturally find yourself falling into whenever you’re in proximity. Now, after sex, he’s pulling you to him or you’re pulling him to you or you just both mutually descend towards each other. And when you’re all wrapped around each other, the worst thing of all happens. He talks.

It’s not like you hadn’t talked before. You were friends, after all. He already knew about your kids you taught, your parents, and some random, funny stories about your life. In turn, he had told you some stories about his mom, about the ranch, and about the people in his life. But now it’s different. Now, whenever you two are alone in the dark, bodies pressed against each other under the sheet with such softness it’s grotesque, the walls come down. He tells you about his mom's death, and how he didn’t cry for months. He tells you how afraid he is of himself, and how he worries she would hate the person he is. He tells you he doesn’t think he’s a good person, because of the women he’s hurt ( -“The DAY of?” “I’m not proud of it”-) and the people he failed (“-supposed to get her out, keep her safe, and I couldn’t-“) and how, though he won’t go into detail about it, he’s worried how numb he’s become to things, and that he’s only going to get number (“-you see so many people die, there’s got to be a point you just stop feeling that, like self-preservation, and that’s fucking scary-“). You listen. You think you may be the first person who has listened in a while. When he tries to apologize, that he shouldn’t have said that or that he’s a mopey sad sack or you don’t want to hear this, you kiss his hands.

“Javi,” you tell him. “I like listening to you. Anything you have to say.”

Looking back, you think the look he gives you the first time you said that was when you really knew. But now, you’re still playing dumb. You both are.

What’d he call it? Self-preservation?

To pay him back, you tell him about you. You try to match his scars, telling him about growing up in a loud, weird house you’d only learn at the age of fifteen was a commune. You tell him about all the times you caught your parents tripping out naked on drugs and having to drag them to bed, or how you had to watch your sister for days on end as a kid whenever they decided to go out on ‘spirit walks’, and how you eventually enrolled yourself in school after your mothers homeschooling attempts fell to the wayside. That one time when you were six and accidentally took a tab of acid your mother and father’s sometime lover, Sunshine, left on top of your peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  You try and tell him the good things, too- how you speak five languages (“what?” “English, Spanish, German, Russian, and some Chinese.” “...what?” “My parents were communists!”), how you used to be really good at gymnastics (“is that why you can’t do a handstand?” “I can do a handstand-“ ), and the things in yourself that you’re afraid of- your denial, your anxiety, your bad habit of never calling your sister back and how that actually reveals you’re a sociopath. And in turn, he listens. He squeezes your hand. He asks you questions when you know he wants to and lets it be silent when you can’t bring yourself to answer.

About three months into this, you find yourself lying on your side one night, staring at his beautiful, stupid, snoring face as he drools against your pillow, and for the first time, you finally, finally, finally let yourself admit it.

It is serious.

---

“Well no shit.”

You scowl at Lisa over your glass.

“What? Like we all didn’t already know? For months?”

“Leave her alone,” Alessa elbows her. “I think it’s sweet.”

“You think everything’s sweet.” Lisa rolls her eyes. “You tell him yet?”

You bite the inside of your lip and look down at your drink. “No.”

“Why not?”

“Timing?”

“You spend all your time together.”

You shake your head, taking a swig.

“Coward.”

“What!”

“I said you’re a coward,” Lisa says as Maritza deposits the tray of shots between the two of you.

“Who’s a coward?” she asks sweetly.

“Eloise.”

“Yeah, I am,” you reach forward and take two of the shot glasses, snatching the one in front of Lisa before downing it.

“Hey!” She yelps.

You flip her off and down the second.

She huffs. “Bitch.”

You shake your head and march towards the bar to order another tray.

----------

To be fair, he knew it would be like this.

He had to. It’s you. It’s both of you. Two weirdly cagey people who don’t like having their guard down and never, ever want to be the one person who sticks themselves out for ridicule. The little dares over the past few months have been one thing, like you’re placing pebbles on a scale, seeing how long it takes until it collapses under the weight. Nightly sleepovers? Pebble. Toothbrushes? Pebbles. Sharing childhood trauma after a round of particularly kinky sex where you had your hands tied to the headboard and it inadvertently reminded you of the time you got your hands stuck in some old handcuffs your sister and you had found and you had to spend three hours with your hands looped around a bed frame because Tanya was seven and when she found your mom they were high on peyote and it turns out it takes five drugged-out hippies to find a tiny pair of keys to free a small girl in the woods after it’s already gotten dark and then he told you about the time his uncle had drunk too much shiner and tried to shoot an apple off his cousins head with a BB gun but missed and now the cousin has one eye kind of like Lorenzo and then you both chain-smoked cigarettes and wondered what a glass eye feels like - alright. Maybe five pebbles.

But...actually saying it?

Stones. Big, ugly stones. The kind that fall on cars.

No wonder you got shit-faced.

“Javvvvvvvi,” you sang through his door. You pounded out the melody that only made sense in your head. “Heyyyyy,”

You hear footsteps approaching from the other side and you stand up straight, ready to drunkenly seduce him with your pose when the door swings open and-

“Can I help you?” She asks, annoyed.

You take the woman in front of you in. She’s tall, with long honey blonde hair that falls across her shoulders. Her waist is bared under the halter top she wears, and you’re only a little jealous of the toned plane of her stomach and the long legs that stretch out from her short shorts.

“I...” you start.

“What are you doing? Get away from the door!” Javi appears from behind her, reaching out to take her arm and pull her back. His eyes fall on you, though, and he drops his hand.

“El- hey- I thought you were-?”

“I was...what uh,” you raise your hand to the woman. “What the fuck?”

“Who the fuck are you?” The woman hisses back. Javi reaches up and takes her arm, pulling her back gently.

“I told you not to answer the door-“

“No, I think I’ll leave-“ you toss your hands up. “Enjoy your night.”

“She’s not- it’s not like that-”

“OH PLEASE, I wasn’t born yester-“

The door behind you opens, and the two or you swivel you hear to see Steve enter holding two bags of food. He looks between you and Javier, then to the door.

“Hey,” he says finally.

You give him a pathetic wave. He waves back before turning to Javi.

“Is she-“

“Yeah,” Javier says. He points to his apartment “Could you actually-?”

“Yeah,” Steve nods a bit too quickly, moving behind him and disappearing into the apartment, closing the door behind him.

Javier turns back to you.

“She needs a place to stay before we move her. I was going to tell you when you got back.”

“Ohhhhhhh,” you draw out. You grimace, before looking back to him. “...Sorry.”

“You really think I’d do that?”

You open your mouth to answer before he cuts in again.

“Are you drunk?”

“I-“ you start before huffing. Fucking cop. “Yes! Of course I’m drunk! It’s tequila night! I even, kindly, I might add,” you reach in your bag and pull out the bottle you picked up on the way home. “Got some for you, too!”

“Who did you think she was?”

“Javi-“ you groan, squeezing your eyes shut. This wasn’t supposed to be your night. Tonight was supposed to be about getting drunk with your friends, then getting drunk with Javi, then having drunk sex on your couch loud enough the upstairs fish guy would have to bury his head in what you only assumed was a pile of rotting fish carcasses in his trash to drown out your moans.

Now it’s this.

You shake your head and nod to your door, beckoning him to follow. It’s tense, and he watches over your shoulder as your hands shake trying to pull the right key. Once you manage to unlock the door, you hurry inside and deposit your things on the table, before turning back and facing him.

You open your mouth to say something-

-and then shut it again. You sigh.

“You thought I was sleeping with her.”

You snap your head back up to see him, cross-armed in front of you. You shake your head.

“This isn’t fair, I’m drunk. You’re not.”

He walks over to the bag you threw on the couch and unscrews the bottle you brought home. He takes a swig, holding eye contact as he gulps a third of the small bottle down, all while you watch flabbergasted.

“Say it,” he says, screwing the cap back on.

“You’re going to be sick-“

“Eloise.”

“Well, it’s not like we’ve talked about it!” You snap. “We never- said! What we’re doing!” You drop your hands to your side and turn, walking to the kitchen and leaning forward onto the counter. Javi follows you up, eying you.

“You thought I was, though?”

“Yes! No? I don’t know!” You bring a hand to your face. “I don’t know. Maybe. I just got scared. I guess...I’ve been scared? Lisa thinks so, the bitch-“

“Scared of what? Me sleeping with someone else?”

“No! Not- necessarily-“

“You really think- Jesus, it’s like we never-“

“Hey, don’t!” You spin to face him. “Don’t turn this around on me. You never brought this up. We haven’t talked about this. We talked about everything else and are doing everything else like dinner dates and sweet sex and fucking movie nights but we haven’t...said anything! Saying things matters!”

He stares at you.

“I didn’t think it did! I thought I was fine with just...letting...ugh!” You bring the heels of your palms to your eyes. “I shouldn’t have done that last shot.”

“Eloise, what are you-“

“I’m not a coward!” You point at him. “I’m not! I’m just- it’s just-“

“No one said you were!”

“Lisa did!”

“Why?”

“Because I haven’t...Ugh! They really make strong drinks at that bar! Because I haven’t said-“

“Jesus Christ, WHAT.”

Ooh, you wish you could just fall apart and have him see what’s running through your mind right now. You feel the anger in your stomach bubble. He’s really annoyed with you for thinking the worst of him, and maybe he has a right, but you two haven’t talked about it. You had just assumed- assumed he felt the same way, assumed the little intimacies have built up in such a way that you had something real and concrete, and especially that you both weren’t fucking other people. But the second she opened the door it felt like your worst fear had come true: you were the idiot who had let their guard down first and got hurt, because they were too stupid to realize what this was, and you couldn’t even be mad. Because you hadn’t talked about it. Because he never technically said he was with you.

But now he’s looking like he’s feeling the exact same way, only he’s the idiot. He’s the idiot for confiding in you and crying on your tits and telling you all those fears and worries and believing you when you kissed his hands and told him you thought he was a good man. He’s worried that you’ve always seen him this way- as the guy who would cut and run and betray you, and maybe if you think that, then it’s true. Maybe he was kidding himself into thinking someone like you could believe in his goodness, after all he’s done.

Fuck, you may be drunk but it does make you insightful.

It may be too late though. Because he’s dropped his hands from his hips, tired of waiting for an explanation. He’s making towards the door, murmuring something about having to work and it all just seems like it’s slipping out of your fingers like you can see he’s building up the wall again and this time you’re not going to be able to tear it down-

“Javi,” you say, your voice strained. He stops and turns to you, and you know you only have a few seconds to do it. You try and form the words, but your tongue isn’t working and maybe Lisa was right, maybe you are a coward, but you have to try.

“I like taking care of you.” You say, pathetically, dropping your hands to your sides.

A beat passes. He brings his hands to his hips, waiting for a further explanation. You sigh and walk down to stand in front of him. “I like having you take care of me...and...I haven’t wanted to tell you, because I don’t want to scare you but maybe that’s just me ‘projecting’ or whatever Alessa said. She’s really annoying now that she’s doing that psychology class-“

“El.” He says, not without softness. You feel his fingers come under your chin, gesturing for you to look up at him.

This wasn’t the plan. This was supposed to be a hookup. Then a friendship. You don’t want to lose that.

But now he’s staring down at you like that, and your drunk brain is turning over itself as you think maybe that train has already left. Maybe it left a long fucking time ago, and the two of you have just been hanging onto the back, waiting for the other person to let go first.

But you don’t want to let go. You never really did. You were just waiting for him to give you a sign so you could make it look like you were jumping off together instead of you pathetically holding on as he disappears behind you.

But from the way his thumb traces your jaw and his other hand reaches forward to take your hand in his, you think maybe he’s been utilizing the same strategy, and he’s been just as scared as you.

Well, now you can either let go or try to pull yourself up.

So.

Are you a coward or not?

He wets his lips before his eyes drop. He looks defeated. And at that moment you decide – fuck it.

Between the gymnastics and dragging your high parents to bed and all this fucking holding you’ve been doing inside of you, you’ve got strong enough arms.

So.

Fuck it.

“El, I don’t-“

“I love you,” you say without thinking. “And yes I’m tequila drunk, but I don’t think that takes away from-“

You’re stopped as he leans forward and presses his lips to yours, cutting you off. You wrap your arms around the back of his neck, pulling him in closer and deepening the kiss. You feel him pulling at your top and you shimmy it off and over your head, tossing it to the side before dipping your hands down and unbuckling his belt as he unbuttons his shirt before you. You drop your hand down the front of his pants, jerking him softly as he moans into your mouth. You feel him guiding you to the couch, and when the back of your knees hit the arm you drop down and begin to pull his pants down for him as he rids himself of his shirt. You’re about to take him in your mouth when he pushes you down, your back hitting the cheap leather as he crawls over you, pulling your skirt up to your hips. He pauses.

“You always skip the underwear in girls' night?”

“Only when I’m coming back to you.”

That gets him, because a second later he’s between your legs, thrusting inside of you. You let out a cry and drop your head back, exposing your neck to him as he continues to pump into, his hands reaching behind and you and grabbing a fistful of your hair.

“Say it again,” he says.

“I don’t wear underwear-“

“No,” he growls, dropping his hand down between your legs to play with you. You let out another little cry.

“I love you,” you say. “I-I’ve loved you for a long time- ahhh!” The next thrust hits a little too well. “Ah, fuck, Javi- right there-“

“Keep going-“

“YOU keep going- fuck, has your dick gotten bigger?”

“El-“ he lets out a moan. Taking advantage of the moment, you slip out from under him and switch positions, pressing him back onto the couch and climbing atop of him. His hands settle on your hips as you ride him, pulling sounds from him that echo around your living room. When you cum he’s not long after, and the two of you collapse onto each other, breathing heavily as you come down with his hand holding the back of your neck.

“Hey,” he says finally. You lift your head and sit up, looking down at him. His eyes are glassy, and the look on his face makes you giggle.

“Are you drunk?”

“Yes,” he says. “But a wise woman once said that doesn’t take away from what I have to say.”

“She sounds smart, you should fuck her,” you say, moving to stand. He catches your wrist, pulling you back down onto his lap with a bounce.

“Give a girl a few minutes before round two-“

He cuts you off with a kiss. It’s slow and soft and you melt into it. The way you always melt into him.

When he pulls away, you chase after his grinning lips. He brings a hand to the side of your face, tracing his fingers down the side of your cheek.

“I love you, too.” He says. “I don’t know what that’s worth…but I do.”

You lean in, wrapping your arms around the back of his neck.

"Baby," you say "It's worth everything."

In the morning, you’ll have to contend with the knowing look Steve gives the two of you before asking “Good night?”, a joke that earns him a look from Javi and a deep blush and muttered apology from you. You’ll have to put up with the squeals from Maritza, Lisa, and Alessa when you tell them in the staff room during lunch. You’ll even get a look from your upstairs neighbor when you pass him and his fresh fish that next afternoon.  Most of all, you’ll have to consider what the fuck this means for you and Javi and this scary, exhilarating little life you’re leading.  

But.

Right now, you’re naked and smoking a cigarette on the couch with the man you love who loves you back, and you’re both laughing, and that's more than enough.

taglist: @fuckoffbard

[demonslayedher]

Any Kny character you've grown to love/appreciate more??

Thanks for waiting, Anon, I have been trying to really, really hard to narrow this down, but the answer remains: the vast majority of the cast. The only character I loved right away was Tanjiro and that love kept me watching, as with almost every new character I was like, "ugh, I hate this guy. Here I was, having fun being emotionally invested in a high quality anime, and this might ruin it for me." But then the instant I see a different side of their character, I'm like, "...Oh." To go into some examples...

Zenitsu: I could not stand him right away, I hate womanizers, and his conniptions would go on so long that they held up the story. But Gotouge/Ufotable strung me along perfectly, the first glimpse of Thunder Breath made me immediately pay attention and think, "oh, that was cool. I want to see more of that." Seeing him protect the box pretty firmly put him in the "I need to protect this child" box in my heart. And then the spider demon happens, and I'm sending desperate reaction messages to a friend like "NOOOOOO!!!! BABBBBBBBBBYYYYYYYY!!!!" And then he annoyed me all over again at the start of Functional Recovery, ahaha. It's hard to remember how annoyed I was because I'm such a Zen Stan now, and he was a very firm favorite of mine by the time I finished binging the anime up to the last couple episodes, which I waited for as they came out. Inosuke: He was one of the reasons I was curious about the series, I saw some promotional art and was super curious about Nezuko's muzzle (I was one of the people who thought it was some ancient scroll or something, haha) and the kid with the boar mask. The art I saw showed his face, and I assumed he'd be some kid with a cracking voice performed by a female seiyuu. As much as I love Matsuoka's performance now, initially, since I knew what his face looked like, I found it grossly off-putting the moment I heard it. Then every chaotic thing Inosuke did dug a deeper hole; I very quickly decided I hated him, especially when he started beating up on the kid I was starting to like. As his chaos subsided he just became a character I tolerated, and then this happened:

Images you can hear, am I right? This immediately flipped the "BABY" switch in my heart. It was also a lot of fun to understand the Inosuke memes I was seeing everywhere. So by the end of the anime, I loved, loved, loved, loved the Tanjiro/Zenitsu/Inosuke interactions and desperately wanted more (still didn't like how Zenitsu bothered Nezuko, though). I was so impatient for more, but the manga art looked disappointingly off-putting. I figured the anime was successful enough that there'd eventually be more of it, and I wanted to be patient, but then I poked around, read some spoilers, got back into Tumblr to look at fanart and memes, saw a spoiler image of Tanjiro affected by Muzan's poison and the binge-read began. (That's kind of a lie, but I'll get to that.) Let's back up a few episodes. There I was, having a great time, the guy who I forgot about from Episode 1 was back and haha, I guess everyone hates him, and the chick who I figured was going to be a medic who saves Zenitsu in the nick of time turned out to be savage, awesome. I was sending reactions to my friends who were ahead of me, and then we left off seeing the Pillars staring down Best Boy. And I...

Well. Uh. Here, I've dug up an old convo for you, my comments are in blue.

Immediately followed by a passionate vocal rant, which I have transcribed here:

“I feel like what happened was that the mangaka was sitting around with his assistants and was like, ‘welp, gotta make this whole cast of characters, they gotta be so-o-o-o many more levels of extreme than all the other characters I’ve had so far, which isn’t hard, because all of the background characters are cannon fodder and I’ve just gotta leave them all with black hair and no personality traits. So! Gotta go to the opposite of the spectrum with the BIG! POWERFUL! People so no-o-o-body can be normal.’ And so he and his assistants sat down, and they all wrote down just random words or traits, and them put ‘em all in a hat. And then for each character, they pulled out a few of them and said, ‘OK. We’re gonna put these things together, now we have a character.’ And he was probably also like, ‘Iiiiiiiiiiiii’ll flesh them out later. For now, they just need t’… be there, and make an impact. How do we make an impact? By making sure it’s super, super clear what their character traits are. Here, we’ll have this guy repeat the word //HADE//…. ////HA DEEE//// over and over and over… to show that he’s a /showy/ person. Because he /cares/ about that. And he //should// care because that is his character and that’s why he’s powerful.’ OH MY GOSH, it’s so dumb.”

......orz I feel like Genya looking back at how he acted at the end of the Final Selection. I'm sorry, Gotouge, I had not even encountered your love for these characters yet in your little alligator form. Nor had I encountered the yet unseen-sides of these traumatized dragons and tigers. ...*coughs* Um. So. I was pretty harsh.

So this was my mindset, I went into the manga not caring about most of these characters and just wanting more Kamaboko squad interactions and wanting to hurry up and catch up to the battle with Muzan. And it's worth stating that I didn't mean to read it at first. I encountered a few spoilers, and just wanted to look for the context surrounding those parts, and then hunt for the (non-existent) build-up to those parts, and so... uh.........

I read a lot of the manga out of order, and yeah, that did affect how much I cared about what was going on. I didn't actually properly process a lot of it until later re-reads. But to try to state some things simply about each Pillar:

Giyuu: He was just 'ok' to me for a long time, I could see the appeal for why people I knew were fangirling over him but he didn't do it for me. His soft spot for Tanjiro was indeed endearing, though, and I firmly liked him by the time chapter 200 came out and I was properly heartbroken on his behalf.

Shinobu: She was intriguing, and then I liked her as soon as I saw her savage side, she was one of the characters I went hunting for spoilers for.

Rengoku: That stare really put me off at first, but I fell for him over the process of Tanjiro falling for him. When I first finished the train arc I sat back and said, "wow! That's going to make for a good movie!" and then in psyching myself out for the movie several months in advance, I fell hook, line, and sinker and was totally excited for him each time I saw the trailers. And then the movie was *stunning* and I love him even more. Uzui: He was the Pillar I hated most upon first meeting them. I blame the repeated use of his catchphrase. But then when he let his hair down to sell the kiddos the change in design helped warm me up more to him, like, "oh, there was a human in there." It took a long time for him to become more interesting to me, and an uncharacteristically subtle journey to becoming a character I liked. I am currently getting more and more psyched out for him and eager to see how much more I'm going to like him with the shiny Ufotable treatment. Mitsuri: At first I didn't remember her name, I had code-named her as "Boobs." But I kinda had a feeling she was going to grow on me quickly, and I was right, she's one of my easy favorites now. Muichiro: Who? Oh yeah, that kid who always kinda fell to the wayside in my attention. I'd see a lot of Muichiro-themed blogs and hear a lot of little girls looking at merch and showing a clear favoritism of him, and I'd like always react like Muichiro and just be like, "...", and then when I read his major battles I was more emotionally invested in things going on concurrently with other characters, and I was still like, "...", and then two days ago I revisited a Muichiro scene and was suddenly like, "......OH!!! MUICHIRO!!!!!" Himejima: I never really hated Himejima, even if I found his first impression kind of wimpy (haha... oh, I was so wrong). I had a pretty easy acceptance of him too, so I would generally count him among characters I like, but if you were to ask me why, I'd draw a blank. It's kind of a weirdly mature, subdued appreciation for him rather than passionate fangirling. But weirdly when I was daydreaming the other day I found myself thinking, "if I had to marry someone in the KnY cast, it would be Himejima." So like, not a fiery romance, but I see him as my dependable, sturdy rock to grow old with??? What is up with you, sub-conscious?? Iguro: My interest in him rises and falls. Being a Mitsuri fan helped warm me up to his character in the first place, which was the emotional tie I needed since his backstory didn't grip me much (I found it a frustrating distraction while I was desperately reading weekly updates). Reading more subtle details about his character in the fanbooks has brought me around and made me more curious about him, like I'd really like to be a fly on the wall for the conversation he had with Uzui one day about their pasts.

Sanemi: Hahaha, wow. He was so unlikable in the beginning, wasn't he? His character design (yeah, the eyes) was really off-putting too. But then I got to know him and there was no going back, I got totally played. He's a character I'm pretty fond of now and one of the characters I've enjoyed delving into most in fanfic. To keep this answer from getting too long, for the vaaaaaast majority of the cast, I was initially like, "meh" or "OK" or "ew" but now am like, "EEEEEEEEE, I LOVE THIS TOTALLY RANDOM UNIMPORTANT SIDE CHARACTERRRRRRR" so you know... times change. And the more time I spend obsessed with Kimetsu no Yaiba, the more I like them all, so even the characters I'm lukewarm on will probably have their eventual days when they take over my heart and smash it.

[gerudosage-a]

UPDATING & ARCHIVING.

well lads, it’s been a fair bit since i’ve been here & been here properly, hasn’t it ?

i’m gonna be real with you - i don’t like talking about my personal life, more specifically my personal problems, on my rp blogs. i prefer to keep my hobbies & my mental health separate, & honestly, you guys aren’t here for me to just dump all of that on ! so i was pretty vague about things when my mental health started to take a downswing & started to impact my creativity & my ability to write for the past … while. i don’t know how long it’s been, honestly - the pandemic has fucked with my sense of time enough without depression getting in on the action. i can only apologize for that, & for how many people i left in the lurch, it wasn’t my intention at all, but hobbies tend to be the first thing to go for me when i’m in a period of bad depression, & discord wasn’t far behind, so i’m so sorry if you reached out to me & didn’t get a response over the last while, it’s not because of anything you said or did, the blame lies entirely with me.

with that said, things have started to look up again, in the sense that the worst of this period seems to be over, & honestly ? although i should have given you all more warning, stepping back from tumblr for a while was good, i think, & it really recharged my creative batteries ! i would’ve been back earlier, but i uhhhhhh fulfilled a childhood dream of mine & got my hands on a drum kit within the last month & honestly, i’ve been putting a lot of time & energy into learning how to play them at the minute, & i’m having a fucking blast doing it ! can’t actually play anything yet, but we’ll get there when we get there !

but as fun as the drums have been, i’m ready to get back to writing ! i’ve missed it all, really, & being back on the dash for e3 was just great, honestly, it was nice to see this little corner of the rpc go slightly feral over the second botw 2 trailer :’) i wanted to take a moment before coming back to get all my ducks in a row & tidy up this blog, but between the two tagging systems i have, the amount of personal blogs in my notifications ( especially since e3, which is honestly my fault, but still a little annoying ) & just general inactivity, i think i would prefer a change.

so, this blog is now an archive ! nabooru can be found at the same url at the new & improved version of gerudosage dot hell, which i took some time to spruce up ! my rules have been refreshed & rewritten, as has nabooru’s biography ! for those who are unfamiliar with the canon of the zelda series, i’ve set up a lore tab which they can have a read of, as well as little sections within detailing just what, exactly, applies to nabooru, so they know where things stand with her. i’ve also completely re - done my verses, adding a few new ones that i’ve mentioned on the blog before, but never got around to before my brain temporarily turned to sludge.

so, that’s that, really ! nabooru has gotten a revamp, & honestly, i’m hoping to do the same with my other blogs too, as they all fell by the wayside when the Big Sad kicked in. i’d like to be optimistic & say that i’ll have hylianremnants completely ready to go for the skyward sword hd release, but i’m not going to rush myself on it - i can write sky without it being completely finished, & it will be ready when it’s ready ! & the same goes for fabletold, which, as much as i love it, the characters & the plots i have, was just an unfortunately timed blog ! they’ll both be making a comeback, for sure, but at the moment, my main focus is going to be nabooru again. so, that’s what’s happening ! i want to thank everyone who’s been so patient & lovely to me over the past couple of months, & everyone who’s been writing with me since this blog was first made. every single one of you are absolute stars, & i really hope to see you on the other side !

( also, if anyone is giving out medals for writing up fifty verse summaries, i am accepting.  )

much love, guys, & thank you all again ♡

[captainmazzic]

Happy Halloween.

So it’s about time I gave a real fucking update instead of just dicking around being cagey about shit. I’ve mentioned a new project repeatedly. So let’s sit down and actually talk about it, friends. Pull up a chair, grab yourself some hot cocoa and strap in. Welcome to Sarc’s emotional roller coaster.

Bear with me. This is hard to talk about for so many reasons, but mostly because I’ve been belittled and ridiculed so many times in my life for liking “cringy” things or wanting to do things that other people think are stupid or childish. I hear the voice of my father telling me to “make something of my life” and “don’t squander your talents”, I hear the voice of my mother telling me I have “so much potential” and “one day I hope you get some ambition”, I hear the voice of my ex telling me to “stop wasting time with stupid shit” and “nobody is interested in failures”. I hear old teachers telling me honor roll students should go to college and study high-demand majors and anything else would be lazy and detrimental and won’t contribute anything worthwhile to society.

It’s the same shit that prevented me for a long time from posting art online. From posting writing online. From making ocs and showing them to other people. And now it’s preventing me from starting this project, and I’m so, so tired of it.

My biggest fear right now is that once I start talking about this project I’ll lose this tiny little community of people vaguely interested in my stuff that have somehow stuck around. External validation and sharing the things I love are my primary motivations with everything I do online, and while screaming into the void is all well and good, I need feedback and interaction and community. I need it so, so badly. I wouldn’t post jack shit – ever – if I didn’t need that, to be honest.

So anyway.

When the pandemic kicked into high gear earlier this year I got laid off for a few months. It gave me a lot of time to think about who I am and where I wanted to be in life, what mattered to me, what dreams I still had and which ones had fallen by the wayside.

Some of them are huge – once upon a time I was very religious. I went through seminary, got my minister’s certification, and was slated to be an associate pastor in a mega-church and rake in a six-figure income within 3 years. But I lost my faith and couldn’t stand the idea of being disingenuous.

And there was also a time when I received a full-ride scholarship to a very prestigious university that would have spanned a 12-year program and resulted in me having several doctorates and masters degrees by the end of it, in the fields of geology, palaeontology, and cladistics. But the scholarship program that was supposed to sponsor me went bankrupt the very semester I was supposed to capitalize on it. I was still accepted into the school, but the $1.2 million price tag would have all been out of my own pocket. So obviously that didn’t happen.

Those were the “acceptable” dreams. Those were the ones that parents and teachers and the general outside world approved of and thought were worthy goals. But neither of them panned out, and all I have left are the cringy ones. Like homesteading and sustainable living (can’t start without land, can’t have land without money). Like making comic books and doing art commissions for a living (it has to be steady to support myself, and I’m far too slow an artist for things to be steady). And like… playing video games.

Ha.

What’s funny is I can already envision the eyerolls and hear the snorts of laughter. What kind of dream is that? Only a handful of famous youtubers and twitch celebrities play video games for a living, and breaking into a field like that is pretty much impossible unless you already have friends in famous places.

Yeah, but… it would be so much fun. Right?

It WOULD be fun. I don’t have to become a super popular celebrity for it to be fun, right?

I don’t have to make it my day job and rake in piles of cash for it to be fun, right?

… I don’t have to actually be successful for it to be fun… right?

… Right?

:/

… I love video games.

I’ve loved them ever since I tried and failed so many times to win The Empire Strikes Back on Atari 2600. I’ve loved them ever since I played Mortal Kombat with my cousin in his basement with the sound down super low because it was ultra-violent and I would have been in so much trouble if mom caught me playing it. I’ve loved them ever since I tried and failed to finish Strife and Hexen and Heretic without the computer crashing and rebooting to DOS. I’ve loved them ever since I had to cheat-code my way through Jedi Knight: Dark Forces II just to get past the first boss fight but then no-clipped through the wall and died anyway. I still love that game.

But I stopped playing video games for a very long time. I was intimidated out of them by an ex and a somewhat toxic friend group who were Real Gamers™. I was brought to LAN parties but not allowed to play, because I slowed down the team and didn’t know the controls. I was banned from commenting on other people’s moves or cheering people on because it was distracting and I could cost them a win. I was even kicked out of their online D&D campaigns because I couldn’t be serious enough or roleplay well enough for their standards. Even if I was playing a game on my own, I couldn’t play with anyone else in the house because I’d be ridiculed for dying a lot, or for going the wrong way, or for picking the wrong game because only certain games are “good” and most of the ones I wanted to play were “stupid” or “trash” or a “waste of time”.

That kind of thing sits with me for a very, very long time. I didn’t really play games at all for over a decade. Even after I ended up on the opposite side of the country, with a new circle of friends, I couldn’t bring myself to play much of anything.

And then I had an extended visit with a friend of mine, and he introduced me to an early version of a ridiculous little game called Minecraft. My friend was an avid gamer but also a very kind one. In the ten years before this, I had told myself that I just preferred to watch other people play games instead of playing them myself (a lie. I mean, I absolutely adore watching other people play, but I also want to play too lol), my friend saw through that and very gently encouraged me to take a stab at playing Minecraft myself. He moved his laptop over to me, and I played a whole ten minutes with him watching before my nerves failed me and I promptly died. But miraculously it wasn’t a big deal to him. It was just a game. I might have cried in relief, I don’t remember.

After my visit I shelved playing video games for like another year, despite buying a whole mess of them because other friends online loved certain titles and wanted to talk about them with me. (I never played them, just bought them. I couldn’t even handle the thought of playing by myself in my own house). But for some reason I mentioned to my brother-in-law my old visit to my Minecraft-loving friend, and he just… up and bought the game for me. My brother-in-law is also an avid gamer with a lovely and patient disposition, and he suggested I just play in creative mode and build things to start. So I did that (behind a locked door in the RV that I lived in by myself, with the lights off and the sound down low) and Minecraft was my sole video game for another several years.

Then a couple years ago another friend of mine (hi Char) introduced me to Star Wars: The Old Republic, and I fell in love. It sparked a renewed interest in video games that I thought I would never really have the opportunity to satisfy, because games were still intimidating.

Let me clarify: I… SUCK. At video games. I’m terrible at them. Learning controls is a nightmare and a tunicate evolving its own brain would learn faster than me. If I’m aiming, I can’t hit the broad side of a barn. I have the direction sense of a whirligig beetle on the back of a drunk pigeon. I die fast and I die often. I can count the number of games I’ve actually finished on one hand. Even less if we don’t count the ones I had to use cheat codes to get through. But none of that diminishes my love of experiencing them, and over this whole pandemic and quarantine thing I’ve had a lot of time to unpack and mull over my thoughts and feelings and passions about them.

… I moved my RV to a new spot literally the day before the lockdown in my state first initiated. Before this I was in a spot that had no internet other than what reception I could get on my phone, with severely limited bandwidth and patchy, unreliable service. The new spot has a steady wi-fi connection, and while upload speed is utter shit, downloading and streaming video are just this side of manageable. So I spent the first three months of the quarantine lockdown doing pretty much nothing other than watching Jacksepticeye, CrankGameplays, and Markiplier play video games on YouTube. (I honestly had no idea before this that people even did let’s plays. My internet access/speed has been shit for so long I’m totally out of the loop).

It… for fear of sounding utterly stupid yet again, it inspired me.

Like. These people really love what they’re doing. They just. Play video games and have fun with it, and I mean yeah they make money hand-over-fist doing it but the main thing is they HAVE FUN doing it. They have fun! Playing video games! In front of people! It’s wild. And the thing that REALLY got me was… they have feedback on it too. They have a COMMUNITY. They have people they can talk to about it. They have people that they can play games WITH, even, who don’t yell at them or tell them they suck every five minutes or tell them they can’t play with them because they’re worthless as teammates. They can fuck up in a game and their friends are laughing along with them on Discord instead of screaming at them to get it right or get out. They can play games by themselves in their house and then upload videos on the internet and then they can talk to other people about it! They have fun! It’s awesome! They have fun!!

I just. It meant so much to me. It meant so much to me to see these videos of these three, and then another dozen or so that I’ve followed since, play all these games and have such a good time and also be such a positive and kind and encouraging source of energy.

I know all of this is not exactly about video games specifically. It’s about coming to terms with how I’ve been treated as a person and as a friend, about how other people respect someone’s interests and passions, about how it’s okay to share your interests with other people and it’s okay to like things that other people might not care about or think are important.

And I’m so, so tired of not doing the things I love because I’m afraid of what other people will think.

So I, uh. I invested all of the stimulus money I had into a new rig and equipment like a camera, lighting, acoustic panels, all that shit. I dug out all the games I bought but never played, I made accounts on all the big gaming services like Steam and Itch.io and GoG, and I made a YouTube channel. And I’m going to be making my own let’s plays. And it will suck, and it will be cringy and awkward and badly done, and it won’t make me money or be a valid career option or be anything but another very expensive hobby, but it will be mine, and it will be something I can share with people and (hopefully) have fun with, and it will (hopefully) be an avenue for some of this positive social interaction I’m craving.

I know YouTube can be toxic and super negative and full of trolls and cancel culture fanatics and people just waiting to find something to tear you down for, but like. Come on, y’all. I’m posting this on tumblr dot com. Toxic is everywhere anyway. I just want to try, you know?

I just want to love video games again.

Someone famous that I look up to so, so much told me – without knowing that I was even listening, without even knowing that I even exist – that if I enjoy doing something, to just go for it. To just jump in and do it, and if it works then it works, and if it doesn’t, what have I actually lost?

And I’m lucky enough to have four whole offline friends that I’ve mentioned this idea to, and each of them has said encouraging things like I’d have a good voice and face and style for making let’s plays. I honestly don’t know how true that part is, but on my good days I believe them. And they also said that I should go for it, to just try.

So that’s… that’s what I’m doing, I guess. I just want to try.

I know it’s not Star Wars fanart. I know it’s not Star Wars fanfiction. I know it’s not Star Wars meta or essays or ranting about the Sith and the Jedi and the Force. I know it’s not what y’all want from me. And that’s utterly terrifying. I’m bracing myself to be alone on the internet again, because I know that when I dive headfirst into this thing, it’ll eat away into the time that I normally might be spending doing writing or art, and it’s going to be something no one else wants to see and no one signed up for. And that’s partly why it’s taken me so very, very long to get started.

The other part is more physical. Of course as soon as I decide that I’m going to put my face on a camera is when my entire face goes to shit. I’m currently waiting on a potential diagnosis for mouth cancer, while already dealing with a severe jaw infection that’s causing my teeth and gums to rot inside my mouth. They already took part of my jaw, I’m missing teeth, others are turning black, if I open my mouth even just a little it is so obvious and I look like a very, very literal zombie. I have never been more grateful that masks are socially acceptable. I have a series of twelve appointments scheduled to treat this shit now that I have dental and health insurance (goodbye paycheque), and I might qualify for reconstruction surgery too. But that doesn’t really help how I look right now.

So I just can’t bring myself to start this project just yet. I’ve been sitting on it for months now with all the other pieces in place, but I just. Can’t. Start. It’s driving me crazy, because I want to start so badly. I feel like I’m wasting time. I feel like I’ve already wasted so much time, because I haven’t even done anything else in the meantime. I haven’t done hardly any art or fanfic, nothing. My anxiety is spiking so high right now because I have all these expectations of myself, but I can’t do anything about it. I’ve been told that I could just start without a camera or wear a mask on screen, and I’ve actually done some recording doing exactly that, but I just… can’t seem to make anything I want to finalize.

It’s also frustrating because I have no way of uploading anything at home. I’ll have to go over to my partner’s house which is nearly an hour’s drive away in order to get internet good enough to upload videos, which means that upload schedules are going to be shiiiiiit and that’s also frustrating.

But. But. BUT. I want to do this.

I want to do this so badly. I want to share let’s plays and experience a love of video games with other people. I want to actually play games with other people too. I also just acquired a piano keyboard, and I want to play again on the regular because I miss it so much. I used to play piano for hours every single day, it’s so relaxing and fun, maybe I can post that too. Maybe I can post let’s draws or something, where I ask y’all what to draw and then make a video of me drawing it while bullshitting to the camera I don’t know it sounds like fun. Maybe I can post videos of my cooking because the shit I make seems to be everyone’s favourite thing on instagram, and maybe I can take my camera with me when I go to the ocean or hike up into the middle of nowhere in the mountains and film how beautiful everything is up there. Or maybe I can do none of that and just focus on one thing, I honestly have no idea what I’m doing or how to do it, but I just… I want to try. I just want to try.

I don’t know where any of this is going anymore. I’m sorry I haven’t responded to messages, or opened up commissions. I’m sorry that this isn’t what y’all wanted. I’m still going to continue drawing and writing, I’m still going to be around, I’m not going anywhere, but I have no idea how prolific I’m going to be and I have no idea even when I’ll start uploading videos, to be honest. But I just. I’m just gonna try. It might still take me a while but I’m gonna try. Wish me luck. I love y’all.

[marigoldvance]

LET’S TALK FEEDBACK

this is not going to be a complaint disguised as a plea. this won’t be a long rant about the barren state of the Comment section on AO3. this is going to be a discussion, open to criticism and debate. my opinion might be an unpopular one but it’s mine and i’m going to share it since, yo, i’ve got enough people reading my shit to merit a chat about this.

as many of you know, i am a Fandom Content Creator; a fic writer and a part-time fanartist. i’ve been in a number of fandoms before i put roots down in The Hobbit. i’ve been participating in fandom culture since i was a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed 13yo. 

back in those days, fandom forums were just picking up steam. it was the gold rush of fanfic and feedback; for the first time, people had places to share their content/opinions with a larger group of equally as enthusiastic fangoers. everyone posted, everyone commented, everyone participated. no matter what fandom you Alice’d into, you were guaranteed to find engagement on your works. (with some exceptions. let’s face it, at the time it was really for the eager, in-the-know, tech savvy teens/YAs and what was popular amongst them.)

on a related note, i’d like to mention that Lurkers aren’t new; they’ve been around since the dawn of broadly public fandom *raises fist in solidarity* they may not be the bread-and-butter of fandom but you know shit just got serious when a Lurker comes out of the shadows to drop an opinion. 

obviously, time moved things along and the internet became less exciting and more incorporated. people - everyone, fam, not just the “new generation” -  started seeking easy-to-digest content. consuming faster than fast-fashion. everything is snap-your-fingers quick these days. and so, expressing one’s excitement for something one just consumed fell to the wayside with the introduction of the Kudos button. it’s not a sense of entitlement, it’s a sense of choosing the easier, faster option. after reading a 30 chapter saga, who wants to bother mustering the strength? 

WANNA TALK FAST, EASY TO COMSUME. THIS? THIS ARTICLE? IT’S TOO LONG. I’VE LOST HALF OF YOU ALREADY ... HIT LIKE ANYWAY

with so much content to consume, i’m not surprised. if you’re reading 5 fics a day, or if you’re hella busy with life things, you’re not going to prioritize giving a stranger written praise for their work unless the story seriously changed your life. it takes time, energy, things we can’t often, or, frankly, simply don’t want to spare. 

i’m not innocent of placing the same value on Kudos as content creators do on Comments. shit, i am a content creator and i still only leave comments on my friends’ works or on works in the fandom i’m devouring (currently that would be Sterek). and even then, it’s like i said, God needs to have spoken to me through that fic. understand, that doesn’t mean i didn’t LOVE everything i read. realistically, however, not everything had enough substance to stir up a flowery poem of my devotion to the author. 

although, if i made it to the end and hit Kudos, the fic was awesome. there’ve been plenty that i’ve raved about to friends but haven’t commented on simply because #butwhytho. i consume free content all over the internet, the ish i interact with is ish i’m a paid subscriber to. 

and yet, those fics definitely deserved a Comment. even a “👍 - thx for sharing, brah”.

i’m as garbage as everyone else. it’s the new norm. 

STILL WITH ME? HOW MANY HAVEN’T DIVED OVERBOARD?? 

however. if you be reading a WIP as it’s going up, Kudos ain’t gonna cut it, are they? because you can only hit that gem once. so, please allow me to put my fanfic author’s hat on while i tell you why participation/interaction/engagement is important in those scenarios. 

let me start by saying: dudes, i don’t need Comments to sustain myself. they are not actually fuel for my personal validation, i can live/breathe/exist happily and positively without them. but i promise you, without Comments, without interaction or engagement, my interest/motivation/energy will wane and i’ll redirect it elsewhere, in a newer, shinier idea. i’m a writer. i’m always going to write. how consistent i am with WIPs can be measured both in how busy my day-to-day is (i.e: RL priorities), and my commitment to my readers. which, let’s open a can of honesty here: if i’m not feeling the enthusiasm, receiving an inkling of participation, i’m going drop it and find something that gets my engines revving again. 

fandom is predominantly a hobby. hobbies are meant to bring a person joy or peace. fandom is also a very public hobby and when you’re a content creator, posting your work, let’s be real: you’re doing so with the intention of receiving feedback. you don’t post things on the internet because you want to keep them to yourself 🙄

we’re all human. we like to share our excitement and our passion. we like to feel validated and valued. it’s normal. 

regardless, as disappointing as it may be not to receive that kind of validation we’re looking for, taking up a hobby like fandom means we can’t hate on anonymous strangers and demand they Comment on our jazz because they got used to consuming as it is on every other media platform. fanfic has gone the way of EVERYTHING ELSE on the internet and feedback has been reduced to “leave however many stars you think This Content merits”. 

I’M TOTALLY ALONE NOW, AREN’T I? TALKING TO MYSELF ...

therefore, understand consumers, that content creators are then more likely to wander off and find somewhere more validating to participate in. i, personally, think i’d do very well in the baking community...

so, what can be done about it? that’s up to the readers, and whether or not they wanna see a WIP finished or a creator contribute more content to the fandom. but, hey, authors, guess what? it’s okay to do what you can and guide your readers as well, eh? leave a massive, in bold note at the end asking readers to leave a thumbs-up in the Comment section; bribe them, name a star after them, i don’t know, but we can’t slack in that area either just because we’re working our asses off writing. we chose this, we have to accept every piece of it. 

on my part, i swear i’m going to get better. even if that means simply leaving a series of emojis; i’m going to practice Commenting more. 

engagement is especially important in the smaller fandoms. i mean, come on, we can all tell The Hobbit fandom is no longer the massive battleship it once was. it’s shrunk. it’s a fucken kayak. hence why it’s detrimental to participate; not doing so is how fandoms fade into the ether, only to be resuscitated a decade or two down the line when a big budget, HBO or Netflix remake or series is released.  

Comments work in a way Kudos can’t. firstly, it proves people are interested, looking forward to an update, participating. secondly, an author can reply with their appreciation. fam, it doesn’t have to turn into a conversation, just let the author express their gratitude 😆 

to those i didn’t lose halfway through, thank you for taking the time; i sincerely appreciate it 😊 

xx - Mari 💗

[vedj-f-bekuesu]

Hey, I’ve finally gotten another step in my Ninjago watch!

Before I go through the season, there are some reasons why it’s taken so long to get to Possession.

1. Mum’s course I mentioned before is due to be handed in by tomorrow, so it’s been a bit hands on deck for her. Naturally, this means I’m being pulled in more to help.  2. The reason I started this was because I wasn’t able do my own work so had a lot of time to use up. Well, in the past week, it went from “oh you can’t work from home” to “you could but your smart card is at work and we won’t let you in so you’ll have to reject it” to “actually we can totally Indiana Jones it, here’s some WARs”, so I’m actually working again, so this will probably be a lot slower to go through. 3. Honestly, Tournament of Elements took a bit of wind out the sails. I mean, it was such a slog to go through, I was hesitant to do that again in a hurry if Possession ended up being a rinse and repeat of that.

But today, I’ve finally gotten through the season and...it’s serendipitous that this features the Elemental Master of Wind because this really was a second wind. I said that perhaps with it parring down the cast to a central focus that it would improve the quality over Tournament of Elements and that seems to have been the case. Let’s go through the points.

-I have barely anything bad to say about the characterisation of any character, main or side. Like, this season was mostly on point. I guess the main ninja were a touch on the mean-spirited side at the start, but this get smoothed out by the plot advancing. Jay could also get a little obnoxious at the start, but this was balanced out by him sassing out Wu for his absolute failure to disclose Morro’s existence anyway. -Of course the standout character is Nya, what with her whole sideplot and ending up a water-based BAMF in the ending. -The events of the Dark Island part of season 2 makes Kai’s fear of water and inability to swim jarring at first (because he swims just fine there), but I guess this was a change brought on by Rebooted’s soft reboot.  -Even Lloyd has his moments even though at this point his character feels fairly weak since the show is pretty much just interested in his status as this really powerful hero. But his moment to reconcile his grief with his dad is done nicely, and makes a better sendoff than season 4′s.  -Ronin’s good but that one moment was pretty uncomfortable. Thankfully due to circumstances it didn’t actually happen which prevents it from pushing it over. -But can I talk about the fact the show seems to expect you to have seen media outside of the show to understand his debut? When the ninja talk about Ronin as an old annoyance, I was like “man, you really think I played Shadow of Ronin, huh”. It would have been a shaky assumption in 2015 because the 3DS wasn’t exactly a big hit. But five years later, when the 3DS is nigh obsolete and I haven’t used mine in ages? It doesn’t help that the game is actually technically non-canon, only happening in vague.  -Morro is probably the best villain of the old stuff so far. I don’t care if he’s this edgy teenage bad boy that younger fans tend to veer to, his biggest strength is that despite him being another conqueror and having a lot of power, he still comes off as very human. He still has attitude quirks (like being a bit casual in places), he treats his minions different to any other villain so far, he makes mistakes and has slip-ups, and the conflict felt more like an actual to-and-fro as opposed to one side completely dominating over the other requiring some deus-ex to balance it (even season 1 had this issue, lest we forget how the ninja failed to secure a single thing in their fetch quest). Thus, when Morro is faced with his mortality and finally sees what Wu was trying to teach him, it feels like that would be a natural conclusion to his arc. -So Kai and LLoyd’s dynamic is good, it’s a callback to Kai’s development from season 1 where he got over himself and dedicated himself to looking after Lloyd (I mean, the episode itself fell a bit like an asspull, but S2 and S3 stuck it as a recurring theme), but what surprised me is that there’s actually relatively little of it in the season. There’s a bit at the beginning, then it tapers off until like the third to last episode. The way people talked about it made it seem like this big recurring arc but it’s not.  -Kai and Nya get surprisingly little throughout Nya’s actual training arc. You’d think Nya training to be the water ninja would be a bigger deal for Kai. They remember to give us a good dollop of it in the finale though.  -Can I take an aside to talk about Kai and Cole’s dynamic again? After S1 had such a good thing between them, I thought it was going to drop off entirely. S2 seemed to make good on that...but then S3 brought it back, albeit a bit more reserved. Even S4 had the same level. Why bring it up now? Because S5 turns it up to the point where it was one of the dominating dynamics outside of all four ninja together. And yet I have never heard this referred to by anyone. What, if two characters aren’t explicitly honed in on for interaction (ie Cole and Jay’s whole drama thing, Cole and Zane in S4/S8...I can’t think of any I’ve seen that don’t involve Cole yet), then it’s just pushed to the wayside? No wonder S13 seems to have decided that it finally needs to be addressed after the last two joint seasons focused on Jay and Nya then Kai and Nya.  -Speaking of, Jay and Zane actually get a cute dynamic going, albeit not as pronounced. Jay and Nya is surprising neglected, only getting some visual cues in the ending. Then again, I guess that’s what the next season is for.  -This season is not actually dark to be honest. There’s a couple of points where it drifts into that territory, but one moment is the climax which is typical for a kids show, and the other I guess is Cole’s thing (although the next episode took the edge out of that). That being said, kudos to them for sticking out the change to the status quo so it isn’t just a one season gimmick.  -Season 5 really said “That green ninja jealousy from S4 was shit so we’re just going to ignore it”. While I still have an issue with it as above, this is a relief. -Pacing here is fine, I have no issues with for once. 

So overall, Possession is a pretty good season, I can see why so many consider it one of, if not, the best. My only real beef with it is that the secondary dynamics (outside of the four ninja but within the general team) end up surprisingly underutilised. Otherwise, the only other barrier it has with me is just my preference for more light-hearted affair than this season’s fairly middling (but not dark) tone, but it’s so competently done that it still manages to outpace seasons that do hit that tone.

I would have to see S11 again to see how I’d stack it up to this, but my current season ranks are as follows;

S12>S11>=S5>S1>S2>S4>S3

So, next time I watch again, it’ll be one of the more marmite seasons in the pack; Skybound. One of the coolest season names, but can it continue Possession’s quality?

For now though, I have a whole thing lined up gushing about Prime Empire’s thematic roots because Prime Empire is amazing. And also I’ll have a (probable) season finale to watch and S13 leaks to look for. 

[justfandomwritings]

Bro. BRO. United in Fear is the best GoT fics I have ever read, bar none. holy shit, it’s FASCINATING. This kind of soulmate lore is the only kind I will tolerate and it’s executed SO. WELL. The symbolism of Robb putting the marriage cloak on her?? *mwah* just divine. The “no one knows what she is to us” “you know”?? HELL yes, I’m so here for Robb’s rage. Plus I didn’t know how much I needed a TRULY strong noblewoman POV fic until I read this. Bravo my friend. Bravo.

Hello friend! I started getting into Soulmate AUs way back in the day when I still wrote fanfiction for bands, and I wrote a TON of them because I love the idea behind that AU. 

For me, it was never about the insta-love you see in most soulmate AUs; I didn’t like easy, ready-made happily ever afters. I liked diving into the emotional consequences of being so deeply attached to one person. I wanted to explore the real world application of trying to find your soulmate, like how much of your life you’d have to give up to go searching for someone you may never find. I tried to write about the changing relationship that might come with soulmates who knew each other for decades. I loved toying with the idea that a soulmate was destiny’s perfect match “for a perfect world”, but since life isn’t perfect destiny got the real world soulmate wrong sometimes.

And then, my dear, dear, dear friend silentpeaches, posted this Soulmate AU Idea post which broke 30,000 notes, and until she deactivated it was one of the top writing idea posts for years. And she ended said post by naming me the queen of Soulmate AUs. Which was a real honor to hear her say, and at risk of sounding conceited, in some ways it wasn’t far off. I wasn’t THE FIRST person to do Soulmate AUs, far from it, but I probably posted more Soulmate AUs than anyone. And I came up with quite a few of the mechanics that have since become really common in fanfiction AUs.

But at some point, I got sick of writing fanfiction. In large part, that was because I’ve always written on a whim, writing a ton for a few months than not writing at all for the next few months. In smaller part, it was because I grew away from the main fandoms I was in, and I didn’t really know where to plant myself after that.

And since I wasn’t ready to write anything original, I stopped writing all together. 

But when I finally wandered my way back, I planted myself in different fandoms. Only to find that not only had my fandoms changed, but the whole scene of fanfiction had changed. 

It’s not that I don’t like what fanfiction has become, but at risk of sounding older than I am, back in the day, fans gave support, people were loud and proud, and fanfiction was on the up. 

I could talk for ages about why it’s dwindled over the years, because there are a lot of reasons, and I’ve thought over many of them. 

But I think that one of the lesser reasons is that readers are now a bit more judgmental (I would say discerning, but since fanfiction is free to consume, it’s not costing them anything that they would need to discern between two choices). And no one wrote Soulmate AUs anymore. The AU had been written off as ‘childish’ or ‘ridiculous’ or ‘bad plots’ or any number of other things. 

And I was a bit defensive that this thing I like to think I helped shape had been largely abandoned. To be fair, there are and were tons of Soulmate AUs that fell into those categories of ‘insta-love’ or ‘boring’ or ‘poorly written’ or ‘lowbrow fanfiction’, and I am more than guilty of contributing some of them because I was not always a good writer. Many of my AUs missed the mark.

In this age of readers who feel entitled to quality fanfiction, readers don’t support just any fanfiction, they’re often finicky and picky and treat free works like books they’ve bought and paid for. 

In search of encouragement and likes, fanfiction writers write things people will read, and Soulmate AUs just sort of fell into this category that was lesser and wasn’t up to snuff. I wanted to show that Soulmate AUs weren’t at fault for their falling by the wayside, and I was bound and determined to show that they could still hang with the ‘big boys’ for lack of a better expression. Writers just had to change how they presented them. 

And thus, we have my longwinded story about why I decided to write “United in Fear” (and “Loyalty”, my Loki fanfiction). 

You’ve hit the nail on the head with your comment about “Lore”. Soulmate AUs aren’t the problem. It’s a lack of worldbuilding.

Thank you for reading, and I hope you find more Soulmate AUs that strike your fancy, and hopefully more stories of mine too! 

[surveyyyys]

It’s 2020.

1. What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before? I got really into fitness! I started lifting weights multiple times a week, and really taking care of my body. I put on a lot more muscle over the past year, and I finally actually like my body a lot! On a related note, I also went to a professional east coast bodybuilding competition. I didn't go for myself obviously, but I went to support my boyfriend.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Actually I did! I was one of those cheesy people who wanted to get in shape and start working out in the new year. I actually stuck to it, and working out became a really big part of my life.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Nope I don't think so!

4. Did anyone close to you die? Thankfully, no.

5. What countries did you visit? I stayed in the US the whole year... but I think that's gonna change in 2020!

6. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019? Complete personal and financial independence, and a fresh start. And it's going to happen! I'm starting my first real job in June, and I'm moving into NYC. I'm graduating college too. It's gonna be a big year for me.

7. What date from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? September 24, the day I got into a relationship with my current boyfriend.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Getting a solid full-time Equity Research analyst position in NYC for after graduation.

9. What was your biggest failure? I tried to stay single. I really did. I wasn't necessarily happier when I was single, but my head was clearer and I was always on top of my shit. But I couldn't stay truly single in 2019 for more than a month or more without being dragged into some stupid situationship with a guy that ended up expiring after 2 months. At the end of 2019, I ended up getting into a real relationship. I feel like I've spent a lot more of my young adult life in relationships or situationships rather than by myself.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I didn't actually!

11. What was the best thing you bought? This personal barbell pad. It makes hip thrusts and squats so much easier. I also got a couple hip circles for glute activation exercises. They changed my glute training because I finally started feeling exercises in my glutes... they're the reason I have a butt now!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? This is gonna sound conceited but... mine? My world-famous Career Anxiety got me a full-time job in the first month of my senior year. Plus I absolutely killed it at my last internship and I learned a ton.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My sister's on-again-off-again boyfriend... he's awful. The administration of the student organization I had to quit. The boy I dated during the entirety of Summer 2019 -- he sucked.

14. Where did most of your money go? Starbucks and Amazon hehe

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? A couple things: Finally making progress at the gym and seeing my body change Doing a good job on my final presentation during my internship That one time I went out with my intern friends and got shitfaced and had probably the most fun I had in all of 2019 Getting into a relationship with my current boyfriend; I didn't think it would end up being a real relationship. Getting my full-time job offer in NYC (by far the most exciting)

16. What song will always remind you of 2019? Evelyn by Kim Tillman! It's my theme song and I discovered it in 2019.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? Happier. ii. thinner or fatter? I would say bulkier. I look bigger, but I turned a lot of the "skinny fat" I had on me into muscle. iii. richer or poorer? Much richer for sure!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? LOL towards the end of 2019, I kinda let my grades fall by the wayside because I thought I had it all figured out. I wish I studied more at the end because I could've preserved my GPA and saved myself a lot of needless studying. This is out of my control but -- I wish I had a chance to drink and party more. 2019 was an almost entirely sober year... I only got really drunk once in the entire year. I think that actually contributed to how dry and sad I was for most of the year!

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Listening to Ariana Grande LOL. This one is also out of my control -- I wish I spent less time alone. I spent the majority of last year sitting in my apartments at school and talking to my voice diary and trying to make sense of my personality and the reasons why I was alone. I did eventually become content with my alone time, but I wasn't really happy. I wish I had a more active social life. I also wish I spent less time with that boy over the summer. He was a waste of time.

20. How did you spend Christmas? I was at home for winter break on Christmas. I don't think I really did anything!

21. Did you fall in love in 2019? Yes! I fell in love with my current boyfriend. I also thought I loved the summer guy, but I really didn't.

22. What was the best holiday this year? Halloween! I think I had the most fun that day out of all the other holidays.

23. How many one-night stands? I don't think I had any one night stands this year! That was all 2018 me.

24. What was your favorite TV program? I don't know actually. I don't think I watched that much TV in 2019. I just binged the Good Place though, but idt that was my favorite.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? My apartment-mate (not my roommate, she's great). I also hate her ex boyfriend. I also hate this toxic horrible friend I used to have. I cut her out in 2019.

26. What was the best book you read? LOL the only book I read was Tina Fey's autobiography. It was pretty good!

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Again, Evelyn by Kim Tillman.

28. What did you want and get? A job. And Gymshark clothes from my parents!

29. What did you want and not get? Honestly, fun memories and a social life. Also this one first-year teaching position at my university.

30. What was your favorite film of this year? Joker! (Unpopular opinion, but it's the truth!)

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? At midnight on my birthday, I was having really good sex. Then I went into work and had a pretty productive day! Then at night, I had sushi with my sister.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably satisfying? If my boyfriend had gotten into nursing school. It would've been perfect. But now he has a new career and new aspirations to work towards. Maybe it's for the best and maybe he'll be happier! We'll see.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2019? I mean, I spent most of the year in sweatpants. I moved away from the bold makeup and the fashion choices I made in the past. But I did start buying a lot of athletic gym leggings and sports bras! My favorite Look TM of this year is my staple matching sports bra and leggings set that I wear to the gym.

34. What kept you sane? The gym, definitely. And my mom.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Ariana Grande apparently LOL. Also Hanna Oberg!

36. What political issue stirred you the most? Trump's impeachment. But I think that stirred everyone. (I mean it in a good way, I'm glad Trump was impeached.)

37. Who did you miss? My ex boyfriend for a brief time. I still wasn't over him in the beginning of last year. I also missed all the friends I lost. I hated them and they sucked, but at least they kept me company.

38. Who was the best new person you met? My boyfriend!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019: I'll tell you a couple: - Anyone can be anything. Barriers to entry are minimal, and you can end up doing something you never thought you would. - You can tell yourself you're going to go out and chase your dreams, and you can tell yourself you're running away from a stable and boring life. But you have to truly want it and believe in it for it to happen. If you don't dedicate yourself 100% to that crazy dream inside and out, you will end up opting for the backup plan. - You are your best when you're making first impressions. - Just because you're not strong enough to follow your dreams doesn't mean you should discourage other people from doing what they want to do with their life (as long as it's within reason). If someone you love is willing to put in the effort to chase a dream they believe is worth it, you should support them, even if it seems risky. Try to minimize the risk, but don't knock down the plan altogether.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. Every blue moon I get convinced that I can't ever make it happen by myself. I've been awake to see the day devour the night. I've seen decay give way to growth and make the most of nearly nothing, Till human voices break us and we drown, we drown, Seductive and impeccable abuse. You do it to yourself, I bet you know you do. I love you 'cause I do it to you too.

[thekimmiandjackieshow]

Welcome to.. The Kimmi & Jackie Show!

I am in the process of revamping this entire blog. See, this blog started out as an attempt to document my Disney College Program. It is something experienced by many and yet, is still such an exclusive experience. When I first did my DCP, there wasn’t that much “information” out there. I watched the same vlog channel from an international student over and over again, and stalked every link Disney released about the DCP. Stories about unique experiences were hard to come by, and so, along with many others, I became one of the millions of people attempting to share mine with the world. 

Almost immediately, this blog evaporated into thin air. My first few weeks into the program, our internet would spontaneously cut out. When that got resolved, I realized I didn’t have that many pictures to share. My roommates and I visited the parks in the summer heat, making it less than ideal conditions to lug around my heavy duty camera. My phone was an old and tired dud. So, I relied heavily on pictures from others and Memory Maker, meaning for the first few months of my program, my pictures were scattered everywhere. I was also really lucky. I had roommates and work friends that I got along with very well. I spent very little time in my apartment, because I was always out with friends exploring. Naturally, the blog fell to the wayside. Although it came back during my extension, I no longer had a vision for it. My good days were far more scattered, and I struggled with figuring out how to write about my true experiences without being incredibly negative. Sharing just the positives felt dishonest. Not knowing where to go with it, everything quickly evaporated again.

Then, I moved to North Carolina. I didn’t get to go back home after my program and share every story with all my friends and family. The people who wanted to hear all about it were miles away from me, and those who lived nearby didn’t even know me yet. And while I struggled through my extension, I was still missing “home”. With post-DCP-depression in full swing, the blog came back to life. Shortly after, I got a job. One that required me to sit at a computer for 11.5 hours. The blog once again became less important. The few likes and reads I got wasn’t motivation enough to work hard at keeping it alive. 

As circumstances changed the blog came back to life and died again, over and over - the world’s longest rollercoaster - until it just no longer felt relevant. Stories became muddled in my mind, information became useless as things in the college program changed, and a few of the friendships from the program faltered. It seemed meaningless to attempt to bring it back to life, just for an occasional “hey, one time I worked at Walt Disney World” post.  All that said, it turns out, I still enjoy sitting down from time to time and sharing my ramblings, thoughts, and experiences with absolute strangers. So I thought, it is time to update a few things. I’m going to be cleaning things up, reorganizing things... Anyway, here I am! Welcome to the Kimmi and Jackie Show!

[woodys]

I feel like it’s important right now that i’m typing. I’m not sure where this post is going to go and what i’m going to say, how disturbing it might get but for the first time in the longest while I have this need to park myself and type. This godforsaken site is called a blogging site so I guess, just this once, I’m going to sit here and for the first time in all my years of being on it—use it as one. Is this a post i’m proud of? No, I already know it’s not. But at the same time I think the only person i’m writing it for is for myself. My future self. For her to come back and read. To see how lucky and how strong she is, maybe serve as a reminder of how far she’s come whenever she remembers i’ve left this here for her to read. Because it’s something that happened and something I don’t think i’m afraid of anymore. Something I should be open about and something I shouldn’t repress. Because if I hadn’t been open about it at some point, I wouldn’t be here to type it for anyone to read.

December 17 was the day I was supposed to die. Monday December 17, 2018. That’s what I wanted my obituaries to say. That’s what I wanted my gravestone to say. It was the day I hyperfixated on for about three weeks and to me it was perfect in every way. When it came it was a beautiful day, the weather just ideal. Much like it had been three months back on the date, also Monday, September 17th, when my mom started the eternal rest that came sooner than she deserved. Our dates would be just alike. Just like when we matched the same outfits when I was smaller. It was something that would connect us again in a infinite day. That was supposed to be my day to go. 

I did research on what I wanted more than I wish I ever had. I had my options, all of them as painless as possible. I was counting down and for awhile just to reflect I started to keep track of one thing a day i’d miss or that I was grateful for. By the last week that fell to the wayside because it was like I had nothing left. Everything seemed against me. I felt like I was fighting this big bad world alone having to front a smile and be the person I used to be. I’ve been so tired. I’ve got no energy. By Wednesday I think I had thrown in the towel. I went to the nail shop the next day and it almost felt as if I was prepping myself for everyone else. At least my nails would look great (mom was about to get hers done) and my hair is styled in the way people normally saw me (mom’s wasn’t. she had plans to take her braids down just the next week). Sunday rolls around with what felt like the fatal blow, final straw, I was just ready to clock out at midnight on Monday Eastern time. It was midnight somewhere I thought. 

When i’ve seen people go through things like this, at least online, it looks....it looks entirely like a joke. And I do, think that there are people out there that throw these thoughts and feelings around online just to get the attention, just to snatch a moment of pity and kindness out of people. That’s why I was set on keeping the act until the day of. Being the sunny, cheery, positive disposed person everyone I interact know me as. I came into this year with a high head. I was hopeful. I was ready to do big things. But as the year went on the bad piled on and on. But I still fought! That was my thing. My shoulders were heavy but i’d keep fighting on. At any point of the year I could turn all of it around and own it. 8 is my favorite number after all. 2018 was supposed to be a good one. 

But then I went to sleep one night....and woke up to a world without my mom...my last surviving parent. The woman who raised me on her own, who was worried about me constantly, who gave the best hugs, and got on my nerves but it had always been the two of us. I still can’t believe i’m moving and living in a world that she’s no longer in. You just don’t come out of that like a champ. You can’t walk away from something like that as a champ. I tried to fight like I know she would’ve liked me to. Be myself. Try to do the things I normally did. I tried to honor her in all the ways I could but as each 17th hit I just got weaker and weaker. And i’m still so frail. The next month i’ll be in a new year without her. I didn’t want to go into the new one without her. I still don’t. 

And while I sat in my kitchen, minutes after midnight, crying so hard I don’t even think my eyes felt opened, with my phone in hand I just felt it all. I always read that people who get this point feel nothing at all...well I felt everything all at once. And I know that’s mostly because that’s who I am as a person. I care so much, I love so much. I love more than I need to. I love those who don’t deserve it. I love and care about people who do me wrong in and out and I want nothing more than to see them well and happy regardless. I just wanted to stop feeling. I’m so tired of feeling. Especially feeling everything. Feeling that I have to smile, that I have to answer that i’m okay and pretend to be okay when I haven’t been. I remember thinking ‘I feel too much to be loved so little’ over, over, and over again. Mom’s so lucky she doesn’t have to feel anymore. Feel or be tired or worry about anyone. I wanted that. For someone like me, it seemed only ideal.

Though, I know in the littlest speck deep down, I didn’t want to go. When I went to the movies that Sunday I cried at nearly every preview, thinking about about all the movies that I wouldn’t see. All the songs I wouldn’t hear and fall in love with and all the games i’d never get to play. I looked at the two pieces of my artwork on the wall and thought about how I wouldn’t create anymore. Not that I have in about a year or so, because its been a deeper battle to find that love again but...I’d never see myself improve how I wanted. I felt all of this too while I cried in the kitchen that night. While a good friend of mine talked to me about all the things i’d miss out on I felt all of it. Was I really satisfied with just having lived to see the trailer to Toy Story 4? You laugh, but that’s just how much that series means to me. And now that i’m in better mind, a semi-better heart, I can answer that no. No I would’ve missed out entirely.

It’s really a miracle I got through the 17th. It’s a miracle because I felt I was ready to say goodbye. I thought I was doing everyone I knew a favor to just disappear with no warning, no trace. I didn’t feel important. I still don’t feel important to any cause. I saw first hand how people rallied to love at my mom’s funeral and it’s so sad. How the living never know how much they’re loved until they’re laying in their casket. I wish mom knew how many people overflowed that hall for her funeral. Friends old and new and all the good things they said. I wish she could’ve known it all when she was alive. But that day, the people who knew my plan, reached out to me. People I cared about young and old stood with me through that day, buzzing my phone throughout. One friend sent me pictures of bunnies. Another of her cat. Another one just made me smile by just reminding me that she was thinking of me while my best friend just checked in. I got to show my friends Toy Story shorts they hadn’t seen. And I laughed at Toy Story 2 right into midnight of the 18th. I broke down afterward though. It felt like I had shoved aside a huge hurdle. All of it wasn’t the attention I asked for. It’s not the attention I wanted, even. It’s not attention that i’m proud to be getting. But all of it was acts of love. How could I just deny the effort of so many people that are fighting hard to keep me alive, reminding me that i’ve never been alone when I was ready to give up. Reminding me of the good things life has to offer. Be it their pets, your favorite scene, the things that make you laugh. Relationships i’ve created all on my own that i’d leave behind forever.

So i’m sitting here a day past my death date now reflecting on what i’ve been going through. If I had died that day I wouldn’t have seen my best friend laughing at some ridiculous internet catfish story that he got himself caught up in. I wouldn’t have enjoyed pancakes. I wouldn’t have heard about my best friend enjoying her goodies in the package I’d sent in the mail. I would’ve missed out on the good new soundtracks I own. I would’ve missed singing along to some old favorite songs from one of my favorite movies. 

Am I okay? No. I’m not. I’m furthest from okay right now and that’s okay. It’s okay to answer that i’m not fine instead of saying I am. It’s okay not to be happy all the time. No one expects that from me so I shouldn’t expect it from myself anymore. But I will be okay soon. I want to be. I’m not my grief and i’m a warrior. I can’t forget the people who love me and the promises i’ve made. All the movies i’ve got to see from Toothless to how badly Sonic does next November. One day I hope the 17 just becomes a sad number, and not a date I think of dying. Most importantly, I hope one day I tell my mom about everything I did after she fell asleep. The last day we were together she asked me what my goals were. I haven’t even started working toward them yet. I can’t disappoint her by having nothing to tell her when she gets to ask me again. 

Time and patience are said to heal all wounds, so I hope that it fix up this scar of mine. I still never imagined i’d be here. I never imagined i’d stare at death so close to the face and I guess that’s why i’m putting it all pen to paper. Well, figuratively. If someone I know closer to me found this and read it who knows what would happen. 

There’s no way in my lifetime i’ll be able to thank the people who stopped me even if they know they did or not. Everyday now is a day I could’ve missed out on and what I almost missed seeing. I beat the boss fight of the 17th. Now it’s just going at that final boss on the 31st. From here on out I want to do all that I can to just make it there and see the end of this (excuse my language) goddamned hell of a fucking year. Even if I can’t give my 100% i’ll try at 50. If I can’t do 50, i’ll try 25. I just can’t give up. 

And while i’m still not proud that I got this close, i’m proud that i’m still standing. I’m proud to wake up and just try even if the odds are against me. I’m proud to still be able to respond to my friends and tell them I love them day in and day out. I’m so proud of me for making it through even when I felt like I couldn’t.

I’m so proud to still be alive. 

[aadrue]

• FAMILY

Wielding flowers I ventured home from my office.

The day was nothing to be marvelled at; cloudy and cold, it was typical Melbourne winter weather; but not to me. Not that day.

That day had been the second happiest day of my life thus far.

My high heels tapped quickly on the footpath as I raced back to my car. Emotions flooding from every part of my being.

Home now; and as I set the table my body shook with excitement. My breathing unsteady, I felt as though I could faint while I waited for him to return to our home. If only this were the kind of news I could give through the phone.

Table now set, dinner laid out, card in hand.

I waited.

7:00 PM came and left quicker than I’d imagined it would; 10:00PM came creeping not far behind. The wait had come to an end, reality had come to take my hand and walk me back into the room.

Lola now bathed and in bed, my heart was slowly sinking. The cold and gloom grey of the day now matched my heart in tone.

My calls unanswered, my mind now racing, I tried to keep composure as the hours ticked over aggressively but eventually exhaustion got the best of me and my celebrations went to the wayside.

The salted smell of tears soaking through my pillow, our wedding song playing like hymns in my mind, I was to be sleeping alone that night.

The sun came to wake me, but my lover was still no where to be found.

A few more unanswered calls to every person or place I could think he would be; being the youngest of 7 that was no easy feat; but the day had to move forth, so I did my best to keep up with its pace.

Unable to have a cigarette, I substituted for 3 or more kale smoothies. Feeling ill, I didn’t need the nicotine anymore.

A week went by without a single word from him My heart now weighing down heavier as each second passed.

Isn’t it odd how we say emotions are all in our minds until our heart is breaking; and you can feel everything in your chest pulling opposite ways like a rip in the ocean. Remarkable really.

Life carried on anyway, even though I’d lived the illusion it would all collapse into ruins if he were to ever disappear; but I was a mother.

It’s my job to make the world turn even when my universe is on fire.

The weeks quickly turned to months.

I was more heartbroken by the fact that his missing presence was now normality for us. There’s nothing quite like losing someone without closure.

Wallowing in my own self pity over a glass of wine, an old friend had come to keep me company; but the touch of his hand on my arm sent my body into shock. Home or not, alive or not, I’d promised myself to my husband.

I’ve never broken a promise to him, I was not about to start.

However, I longed for the safety of a male presence in my home, but no one would ever make me feel as safe.

I slept deeper than all the ocean combined while in his arms.

Over looking the city lights and wondering if the stars would ever look as beautiful as they did on the nights we’d spent intoxicated in each other, I heard the door slam.

Maybe I’d left it open.

I turn to see his dark shadow standing in our room. In retrospect I should’ve been terrified, but somehow my heart knew.

Blood covering his being, scars in places I’d never seen, he was almost unrecognisable.

It wouldn’t of mattered if he was covered in burns, his looks didn’t change the fact that his soul made me feel at home.

Gently he reached for my hands and helped me to my feet.

I had so much to tell him but I couldn’t speak.

Before either of us had the chance to gather the words we both so desperately needed to say; we heard the cries.

The world stopped. I was frozen.

“Lola?” He glared at me with eyes like a lost puppy.

My heart sunk and my eyes hit the floor, I pulled my hands from his.

I took a deep breath and went to explain but his words found place before mine...

“Dazen?...” he said, in a confused broken tone.

Immediately his legs fell from underneath him.

I didn’t have to speak to tell him, he used to read the words straight from my eyes.

I joined him on the floor, our pieces somehow making a whole while we held each other tightly. It felt good to be home.

My hand under his chin, I kissed his forehead and lead him to our bathroom. The way he walked through the house as if he’d never seen it before still haunts me for it had been our home for years; he’d built it with his own hands.

I carried Dazen back into our room to find him naked in our bed. His scars were purple from the cold touch of winter on his skin yet I’d never thought he looked anymore beautiful than he did in that moment. Supple and childlike, I was still in love.

In hindsight, seeing him on the soft white sheets of our giant bed after all that time was what made everything impossibly close to magic that night.

My family was whole again.

I wrapped Dazen softly, kissed his forehead and placed him down next to his father. My sons piercing blue eyes stared at me as if to tell me it was all okay.

I knew I should’ve left him in his own bed to sleep but I’d waited years thinking I would never have the chance to see such a moment.

It was hard to believe I wasn’t dreaming.

The time now passing as it did before, though everything had changed. My husband home raising our children along side me.

Though I would never tell a soul for I wouldn’t wish the universe to take him away, I struggled having him home.

He’d missed me and loved me the same as the day he had left and I respected that; I respected him; but my idea of love was being so engulfed in someone that them leaving meant the world around me would crash and burn alike to hell in all it’s fury.

That time itself would stop if he left my side.

For moments, I won’t deny the world did crash and burn as some mornings my body refused to believe I wouldn’t shatter onto the floor like porcelain on tile if I dare try get out of bed.

For moments, I think death would’ve been kinder to me.

The months passed though to my disbelief, and eventually, you learn that no matter how much it hurts, you’re going to live to see tomorrow and your feet will catch you as you climb out of bed.

The babies now dressed, waiting to go to school; music blaring through the house as they dance around the kitchen. Sometimes I wished they were allowed to watch cartoons, but he’d of killed me.

I was ready for work but couldn’t take my gaze of this man I’d longed for now magically back in our bed.

Had it of not been for the children being able to see him too, I would’ve sworn I’d lost my mind.

I tip toed over, I woke him with a kiss, he looked up at me and smiled.

God I’d missed his emerald green eyes.

I took his hands into mine, leaning over I whispered softly in his ear, “I love you.”

His cheeks turned as red as the first time he’d kissed me and I knew for sure whatever had scarred his body, had not broken his soul.

My husband was home.

What he did with his day will always be a mystery to me but I’ll never forget arriving at my high rise office to utter chaos. Let this be lesson as to why one should never let their staff watch the news whilst at work.

My largest client, some might call a “successful business man” had been shot point blank in the head in his Pepper Point holiday home. I could lie and say I didn’t know he was a major player in the illegal international transport and sales of stolen pharmaceuticals; but how else would he of paid the exorbitant fees we’d agreed on for my part in keeping him out of a lifetimes incarceration.

Whomever had painted the elegantly modern walls of his home with the most inner parts of his brain had left uncovered a makeshift basement; quite clearly not on the councils approved plans for the dwelling.

The bodies of the 4 girls they’d found rotted and decaying within the DIY torture chamber still give me goosebumps and a watery mouth.

I sat at my desk while my assistant ran around like a chicken struck by lightening; she was new. It’s always the new ones who panic when someone dies.

I waited patiently for the most corrupt gang I’d ever worked with to arrive so I could answer their questions and move on with my day but they never came.

Surely, they would want my files.

The busy day got the best of me, before long I’d forgotten about my clients death and the girls. It was now almost 3:00PM and my babies needed to be picked up from school.

I pull into the bay, 10 minutes late as a rule, and there is my husband.

Flowers in hand, babies beside him. Flawless.

I wasn’t ignorant to the fact his days of being a contract killer served him well when it came to locating people; but I couldn’t help but wonder how long he’d known which school they went too; how many times he had checked on us from afar..

Why had he only come home now.

[babycharmander]

5, 9 (NCY), 18, 21, 29 aaa sorry there's so many! These are good questions

5) If you had to choose a favourite out of all of your multi chaptered stories, which would it be and why?

blllhhhh how do I choose? DX;; uhh... It’s poooobably still The Rodent and the Robot, though I think Neither Can You is shaping up pretty well? TRatR is a longfic that wasn’t 500% self-indulgent like most of my others and I feel like I managed a nice, coherent plot and got some good character development in there with characters I’d almost never written before, so...? But NCY is turning out a lot better than I expected. It’s more on the self-indulgent side than TRatR is but this is my first time writing ALL of these characters and I think I’m doing okay, so...?

9) In Neither Can You, what’s your favourite scene that you wrote?

I don’t know if I could pick just one. I’m pretty pleased with the buildup in chapter 5 up to where Héctor is found. Also kinda like the bit a few chapters later when Pepita tries to get Héctor out of his depressed musings (and is only partially successful). But Victoria’s scene in chapter 10 was a blast to write--I had a lot of fun with that one and was laughing as I was writing some of that stuff. Also had a lot of fun with Pepita’s perspective in the chapter after that, though it was a bit of a challenge.

18) Do you have any abandoned WIP’s? What made you abandon them?

As far as fics I’ve posted go, I have ONE unfinished fic--a 15-year-old fic that’s a Kirby parody of the Pokemon anime. I remember I abandoned it upon realizing that it was an impossible task--there were too many episodes of Pokemon (even the first season), and even if I could somehow write a parody of every one of those, I couldn’t match every Pokemon to a Kirby enemy.

I also have an unfinished series--my Cutter-Dagger series (an OC-centric series of Kirby fics based on the main story campaigns in Kirby Super Star). I was several chapters into the next fic before I just stopped. I was in college at the time, and working on tons of writing and art projects for my classes. I think that was also around the time I got into Portal, so I started writing a lot of fics for that, too, and that WIP kinda fell by the wayside.

As far as fics I HAVEN’T posted, oh, yeah, there’s plenty of unfinished WIPs. I don’t like to consider them necessarily abandoned, though--there’s fics in older fandoms of mine that I may decide to revisit should I ever get really invested in that fandom again. A bit too many fics to list here, though (but if you want to ask about a specific fandom I could probably bring up some of them).

21) Tell me about another writer(s) who you admire? What is it about them that you admire?

NO I HATE THESE KINDS OF QUESTIONS D

it’s not that I don’t admire other authors--it’s just that we’re sortof in an unprofessional setting, here, and elevating one author kindof seems unfair?

29) Do you have a story that you feel doesn’t get as much love as you’d like?

Hmm... Probably The Reaper’s Bedtime Story? Sorta, anyway. I mean, I kinda went into that one knowing I was going to get very little feedback, if any, since it’s a fanfic featuring three minor characters from a 20-year-old video game that has a pretty small fandom. Still! I think I was fairly happy with that one? Ah well, it’s not a big deal. You can’t write for feedback alone! I had fun writing from Sal’s perspective.