#mandlien

[illuminatedferret]

Hey! How about some of Xie Lian’s pov on Longevity Noodles as a B-side? (Am I doing this right?)

You are 100% doing this right! Your patience is much appreciated. Godcellania is now live.

[verycharismaticdragon]

@mandlien: Op where is the essay 👀 @latitudeoctopus: An essay I would like to see 🙏

Glad u asked! <-guy who was totally angling for someone to ask

OG post this continues from, for those just tuning in now:

actually SQQ's first encounter with LQG perfectly illustrates which of SY's idiosyncrasies perfectly converged to make him absolutely obsessed with Binghe, in this essay i will

So, to start with, the explanation for why I think this scene in particular is more illuminating than all of SQQ's interactions with actual LBH. 

That's because there's not a single scene in the novel where his interactions with LBH-the-person are not colored by pre-existing bias of already being obsessed with LBH-the-character. Like, consider the scene where he appraises Shen Qingqiu's looks, and finishes it off with:

He still couldn’t compare to Luo Binghe. (vol.1, ch.1)

despite not having seen Luo Binghe in person yet. But no, he's already convinced his beloved blorbo is of course The Handsomest Ever!

Simply speaking, we never encounter Shen Yuan pre-Binghe Syndrome (when instead of brain there's binghe). So it's difficult to tell whether any particular way he thinks or feels in Binghe’s presence is the standard for him, or owed to the fact that he already likes Binghe in at least one way.

But the same can not be said of Liu Qingge: while SY did have some interest in his character, he didn’t really think of him before encountering him in Lingxi Caves. Plus, unlike Binghe who seems to have fully aligned with SQQ’s expectations of him, LQG had given him a little shock — which prompted some re-evaluation of his prev thoughts on SQQ's part.

(cont. under cut)

Now is a good time to mention that I arrived at thinking about this scene while considering Shen Yuan's relationship with toxic masculinity — and remembering I jotted down 'Shen Yuan's fascination with masculinity' in my reread notes for this scene.

[Bai Zhan Peak] was the most warlike of Cang Qiong Mountain's branches, as well as the branch with the greatest martial ability. Every single generation's Bai Zhan Peak Lord was a world-class swordmaster, a victor of countless battles, an undefeated legend. How hot-blooded—how dashing!  Male readers always fervently admired strong characters. Even though Liu Qingge never officially debuted on page, he hadn't lacked for fans, and Shen Yuan had been especially fascinated with him. In his headcanon, Liu Qingge had been a sharp and manly man, powerful and magnificent. A war god, right?! (vol.1, ch.2)

So, Shen Yuan’s fascination with Liu Qingge’s character — or rather his headcanon version of it — is about Liu Qingge being someone who (in SY’s mind) embodies masculine qualities. And what qualities are those? From this section, being “strong” (has to be physically powerful) and “undefeated” (can’t be a loser) — yeah, pretty standard toxic masc starting kit. 

And something of interest here: though SQQ describes it mostly as his own feelings, even in this excerpt, he slips in a “male readers always [...] admired” — which, when considering everything else we know about his relationship to masculinity, kind of gives off an insecurity vibe. He seems to be either trying to justify his own feelings (i.e., ‘other men feel the same way, i’m in-group not out-group, i’m not failing at being a man by feeling this way [admiring another man]’), or else emulating other male fans and trying to convince himself he relates to the story the same way they do (i.e., ‘male readers admire strong characters and im a man therefore i definitely also admire the same things’).

Speaking of emulating other male fans, there’s another quality that SY seems to associate with masculinity, this one not very related to Liu Qingge — though SQQ does make a mental detour into it in the same scene, when talking about other Peaks.

Yeah, when he mentions Xian Shu, and the fact that the popularity of self-insert erotic/lewd fics about Xian Shu "compared to that of the original work” in PIDW fandom, or possibly even in general on ‘Zhongdian’ (since afaik you can publish fanfiction on Chinese webnovel sites alongside original works, you just have to tag it as such). In other words, among male fans. 

But we know SY doesn’t like sex scenes, right? Hell, his favorite wife is Liu Mingyan at least in part because she doesn’t have sex scenes:

There was one more appeal factor. Liu Mingyan was the only female character for whom Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky didn't write detailed sex scenes. (vol.1, ch.2)

Of course… that’s what SQQ says in his head where nobody can hear him. We actually have evidence of him singing a different tune when among other fans:

Most of the female protagonists are stupid sexy lamps, and the male lead doesn't even bed Liu Mingyan, the only breath of fresh air? He doesn't bed the rightful empress? Are you fucking kidding me? (vol.4, ch.26, part 1)

(speaking of, this is why ‘peerless cucumber is SY’s true self’ takes baffle me. his toxicmascsona is his true self, really?)

So SY has another qualifier for ‘manly man’ in his head: being sexual (of course, in a straight way). Which is not something that comes naturally to him, as evidenced by him cringing away from any actual action even when he tries to emulate the thought pattern, e.g.:

Qi Qingqi? She was indeed slightly junior to him, and their first meeting...he'd long forgotten how it went. "Often together" wasn't quite right, though. Perhaps he at times dared to think about going to Xian Shu Peak so they could be "often together," but while he had the wicked intentions, he lacked the courage required to follow through—and he could never commit an act as depraved as stalking. (vol.4, ch.23) 

Riiiight, SQQ, you totally have those 'wicked intentions' that you merely can't follow through on because you just invented reasons not to.

But that does give us an image of SY’s ideal of masculinity. Extremely powerful, undefeatable, and hypersexual… yeah no points for guessing who. I’m pretty sure SQQ even directly equates Bing-ge with masculinity somewhere, I just can’t remember the exact spot. And he also believes that any man should definitely want to be in Bing-ge’s place, like for example here:

Every man dreamed of being caught between an angel and a devil. To watch them jealously vie with each other over him one moment, then risk life and limb for his sake in the next—that was the highest, most sacred, perverted fantasy of every male organism.  (vol.1, ch.2)

…though I must note, once again, “every man”, “every male organism” — but does SQQ actually feel the same way? I think that the answer is he thinks that he should, and is trying to convince himself that he does.

Which must be difficult considering he finds men more attractive than women, returning back to that scene with Liu Qingge.

In any other state, Shen Qingqiu might have declared, "What a beautiful man!" (vol.1, ch.2)

Really bestie? You would've declared it? Because I don't see you show the same enthusiasm about women. In fact, you usually jump right into how they were described in the novel, as if you don't have your own opinion. 

Now, I must note that I personally don’t think finding someone attractive equals actually being attracted to them. But this does imply which way SQQ's tastes veer. In fact, we can even see that he has a type. First, he describes LQG's face as "as beautiful as a fine woman's"; then adds:

This was clearly the face of a charming young master who arranged flowers and plucked farewell willow branches! (vol.1, ch.2)

Of course, if we are talking about charming young masters with feminine looks, their bearing that of a classic Chinese gentleman (warrior-scholar ideal who’d ‘pluck farewell willow branches’)...

That firm yet humble countenance, demonstrating his noble and unyielding spirit. That pencil-straight back and stance, evincing a proud core that would rather break than bend! (vol.1, ch.1)

[SQQ] saw a glimpse of the future Luo Binghe's unique grace, that of "eyes like cold stars, a soft and radiant smile, with muted words and quiet laughter." (vol.1, ch.1)

In truth, deep down, Bing-ge's fair and clean pretty-boy type didn't really suit the tastes of "Great Master" Airplane Flying Towards the Sky. He had only assigned this sort of configuration to the protagonist to meet his stallion hardware specifications. The art of growing stallions was grounded in science, and the research was clear: women preferred men who looked cultured, pretty, and even a bit soft and feminine. (vol.4, ch.26, part 2)

…there’s no question who is superlative in SQQ’s heart. To boot, he doesn’t even realize that he’s biased about LBH’s attractiveness, as we can see from Airplane-bro’s musings above. So that’s Cucumber-bro’s type: cultured, pretty, a bit feminine.

See, a fun little discrepancy here: what SQQ sees as a masculine ideal and therefore can admire plainly — again, powerful, undefeatable, and hypersexual, — and what he finds attractive in a man, under all those layers of denial, are two pretty different things.

Liu Qingge, despite his appearance unveiling a side of both to us, doesn’t actually fully embody either type: on the masculinity side, he is missing the hypersexuality, on the attractiveness side, his looks fit but his bearing doesn’t match.

But you know who hits all of SY’s qualifications on both counts?.. yeah, once again no points for guessing, it stars with "Bing" and ends with "ge".

So: the source of Shen Yuan’s obsession with LBH-the-character is the intersection of those two factors. Like you know that old wlw joke “I can’t tell if I wanna be her or date her”? Thats Shen Yuan with Luo Binghe, but, yknow, unconsciously. He admires LBH as an epitome of masculinity, an image of a Perfect Male to strive for; he also very much finds him attractive in a gay way. 

In fact, I would even say that an important component of Binghe brainrot is that he is an acceptable target for admiration. How can SY be accused of being gay over liking a horny stallion novel? So it’s totally normal that he thinks of Binghe a lot, obviously that’s just because he looks up to him! Because Binghe is such a perfect iteration of a male stallion protagonist! Who wouldn’t want to be in his place, thinks Shen Yuan, never ever having imagined being in Binghe’s place even once. Ofc that’s only because Binghe got insane game though! Shen Yuan couldn’t hope to compare. LBH is just so admirable and sexy,, for the wives of course, the wives find him sexy, not Shen Yuan, Shen Yuan is just stating facts— etcetcetc.

Point is, LBH is a man that Shen Yuan can like without shame, because he has a whole bag of above-the-board reasons to prove that he's not liking him the wrong way. A perfect target of convergence for Shen Yuan’s conscious and unconscious thoughts (and desires).

And this is how SY ended up with the years-long hyperfix we see in the beginning of the novel. 

[sunrise-peach]

My art for the @moshangevents Big Bang 2023! These pieces go with the wonderful fic by @mandlien Read it to figure out how they got from point A to B!

[mandlien]

TRANS-migration, baby

Fandom: Scum Villain Self Saving System

Author: mandlien

Summary: When Shen Yuan woke up in Shen Qingqiu's body, he discovered to his shock that the character had apparently been a trans man. Yet, can the new Shen Qingqiu really waste time thinking about his gender identity when he has fate coming towards him, promising a gruesome end? Meanwhile, he's mostly the only one really concerned about this.

[tossawary]

A little over 24 hours remains of FTH bidding! Bidding closes on Sunday, March 5th, at 8PM EST. Here's a list of all the Scum Villain Self-Saving System offers up for auction!

Head on over to individual contributor pages to see the details of what creators are offering, including what pairings or themes they're interested in working on, what they're not willing to address, the highest rating they'll work on, and what offerings they may have up for other fandoms. There are also links to creator art portfolios and AO3 pages to see what they've done before.

aC is offering fan art (Drawing/painting/etc., Icon(s)).

Meekhayl is offering fan art (Banner, Book cover, Drawing/painting/etc., Icon(s)).

corduroyserpent is offering written fanfic (Less than 5k words).

Dandy (seventhsky) is offering fan art (Drawing/painting/etc.).

chezpillow has 3 fan art offers up (Drawing/painting/etc., Icon(s)).

Cathalinaheart has 2 podfic offers up (1k words per $1 bid and 5 -10k words) and 1 offer of typesetting services for printing/bookbinding.

nex_et_nox is offering written fanfic (5 -10k words).

moon_jelly is offering written fanfic (5 -10k words).

namio is offering fan art (Drawing/painting/etc.).

mandlien is offering written fanfic (5 -10k words).

MarineHaddock is offering written fanfic (Less than 5k words).

Koontyme is offering podfic (10 - 20k words).

Koschei is offering written fanfic (5 -10k words).

esbielle is offering podfic (10 - 20k words).

Tossawary is offering fan art (Book cover, Drawing/painting/etc., Icon(s)).

Vestigialstell is has 2 written fanfic offers up (10 - 20k words and a 5 -10k words to one of their existing works).

Sleipnirismybaby is offering written fanfic (10 - 20k words).

seventhstar is offering written fanfic (Less than 5k words).

Prim is offering written fanfic (5 -10k words).

Prince_kun has 2 written fanfic offers up (10 - 20k words and a 5 -10k words remix).

And across all fandoms, the FTH team has started applying the tag "golden needle" to contributor pages where one (or more) of the offers on auction doesn't yet have have bids. With so many offers, it can be hard to find the right match or to choose between them. Good luck to everyone participating!

[newstuck-liveblog]

An alternate universe version of dork fucked puppets for the ironies and I guess for money (or maybe not fucked. We just know he did porn of them). While this dork likes puppets in general, there hasn’t been a sign so far that he ever fucked puppets.

SO FAR.

honestly he's getting coin from puppet porn. running the Muppets out of town

[act8official]

Man, I’m so sorry about this rude anon :(. For what it’s worth, I’m really glad for all the work and effort put into act 8; I really love it. As someone that is reluctantly reading HS^2, but that has kind of disliked the direction Homestuck is in since the epilogues, act 8 just makes me feel very good. It feels more like canon Homestuck than the new material, to be honest. Anyway. Sorry if I’m bothering you. Just wanted to say that my day is made whenever you guys update :3.

It’s cool! Thank you very much. I genuinely get where anon is coming from; that similarity to canon might make it seem like i’m reciprocating an interest in a “canon without canon’s ability to refute you” which does seem unwholesome in a way. 

But what if it’s not? Fundamentally the reason I’m doing this is the same reason I’d be doing something totally original; I have a story in my brain. What if it’s not a cynical appeal to nostalgia, or a cloying desire to “posses” homestuck’s soul, but a genuine transgression I fully believe in? Would that be wrong? Err anyway sorry to ramble but thank you completely, you are very kind and I am making this for you, have a great day.

[macklives]

he fucking tempted her and i warned him. that shit happens when you dont listen to the readers

[esamastation]

Hey, esama, you’re okay? It’s been a while since we heard anything from you. Hope you’re okay!

I’m on a holiday and too done in by heat and hayfever to think of anything to write. Aside from that, I’m good.

[mintchocolateleaves]

Sorry about the people bothering you, sweetie. Do things at your pace, please. Do what’s best for you. I myself had to take a time out from social contact these past few months because of anxiety problems. Things are slowly getting better for me, and I hope they’ll get better for you too!

Thanks for the support. Most of you guys are absolutely amazing, so thank you for the nice words 💜💜

I’m glad you’re doing better! :)

[chaton-katreal]

Laughing at your tags, lol. Everything *really* is on October, haha. Except Nanowrimo, I guess.

IT really is! It’s like! I can’t do all the things! I want to! But I work! D: I wasn’t able to do my fictober chapter today because of school paper being due even 3

And yeah…NaNo. That’s coming up isn’t it. Hopefully doing fictober and it forcing me to write it everyday will get me in gear for that e.e

[manchasama]

Hey, I don't know if it's too much trouble, but I was wondering if you are planning on finishing 30 Cases, and if you aren't, what were your plans for it? I just really love this fic, especially the almost Outsider POV towards the Kaishin developing friendship. Some chapters still leave me laughing after many rereads, and the Kaishin development just kind of warms my heart :).

Hiya!  It’s definitely not too much trouble right now!

So okay, 30 Cases is my first DC fic, the one that brought me some amazing friends, and is planned out to the very end.  This is Fact!  I am going to finish it.  This is also FACT!!

That said, when I was working on 30 Cases some time ago (Nov 2015), I had been away from the characters for so long that I had a REALLY hard time writing the next chapters.  So I’ll need to watch a few movies or read some of the manga again to get their muses back before I’ll be able to hammer out the chapters.  With my mood, time, and energy fluctuating as they do, plus all the things I Need To Do To Adult And Friend Properly, I can give no estimate on when.  :(

I swear I’d posted teasers or something on what was to come in 30 Cases, but I...can’t...find it??  I wonder if some of my posts on lj went missing hm.  I’m probably just bad at tagging, go figure.

So I’ll share the THREE false starts I had to the next chapter, and the notes about it.  *puts head in hands*  So embarrassing lol, unfinished writing

Okay so I was going back in the revision history to remember which one I wrote first and all, and I found ANOTHER version I’d done first and deleted entirely.  And like...it’s pretty good??  Almost good enough to be the next chapter???

I think what happened is that after writing it I decided the readers NEEDED or would WANT to see the talk with Akako (probably do lol), so I scrapped it to write that.  That is the three false starts below.  But re-reading it now, it really fits as a Conan&Ai chapter.  I think I won’t share that bit just now, since I miiiight just make it the base for the real chapter.  Anywho, enjoy my terrible writing below

Case 13 – Ai & Conan

Try 1 2

Ai watched Conan flop face down on the uncovered couch.  With how often he'd been hiding out in the Kudou study, the dust covers were no longer needed on certain furniture pieces, though the entire house could still use a good scrubbing over.  She picked her way over to an adjacent armchair and pulled herself into it with a sigh.  The silence stretched between them, not strained, but filled with a thick sort of anticipation.  She wasn't looking forward to trying to rationalize this to Conan, but that wouldn't hardly stop her.  She was used to unpleasant tasks.

Yet….  She eyed the unmoving form critically.  He had taken the meeting with Koizumi-san with more grace than she expected.  Perhaps Hattori-kun had been more convincing than she'd believed he could be.  Conan wasn't one to hide his disdain normally, but he was very good at hiding it from strangers, at this point.  If that was the case, then about now he'd start in on her for the tasteless 'joke'.

Well, she certainly hadn't expected such an unusual...opportunity...to arise.  Part of her wished that it had been the vain venture she'd expected when Hattori-kun had made the absurd proposition.  It had certainly sounded ridiculous.  She's only said yes on a whim; her frustration at her own lack of progress, coupled with the tiny possibility that a different viewpoint (even one as off the wall as a self styled witch) might bring a new angle to tackle the problem of the cure with.  

Because despite the quick and neat job done with bringing about the final blow to the Organization, no sample of the Apotoxin or copy of her notes had been recovered.  That disappointment had been a difficult (ha) pill to swallow.  She'd always held out hope that she'd be able to reconstruct the volatile formula that had

Try 2 3

The Kudou household was dark and quiet.  It was, Ai reflected, the perfect place for brooding, especially the vaulted library with the drawn curtains keeping the interior in a constant gloom and the thin layer of dust lending to the abandoned feeling.  So it was really no surprise that it was Conan's destination of choice when he was feeling particularly melodramatic.  She refrained from letting her exasperation get to her only by reminding herself that she'd been the one to bring them to the house in the first place.

Not that he'd reacted as she'd expected.  When she'd asked Hattori-kun to convince him to meet with her and Koizumi-san, she hadn't held out much hope that the Osakan would dull the edge of Conan's disbelief.  She'd relied on the fact that the request came from her that Conan would listen, coupled with Hattori-san's dogged determination to help his friend out whether he agreed or not.  That, and his desperation to return to his old life.

Ai had expected Hattori-kun to come dragging a reluctant Conan by the scruff of his neck.  Instead, Conan had arrived without fanfare, Hattori-kun trotting at his heels like a faithful puppy.  She expected him to immediately demand explanations from her, loud in his disbelief and sarcastic as only he got when his views of the world were being challenged.  He had merely greeted her, before turning to Koizumi-kun and studying her as closely as she was him.

When Ai had met Koizumi-san, she'd been expecting...well, someone older, to her chagrin.  She of all people should have realized that apparent or actual age meant nothing.  Not that she let it phase her.  It would have made sense too if Koizumi-san was a witch in the more practical sense; a practitioner of rituals and old, herbal recipes.  Ai had already exhausted what she could of that avenue in her search for the cure, but one never knew what hidden family secrets might be useful.  So she'd been willing to listen.

Then Koizumi-san had taken one look at her and had said, "You are like him; all twisted up inside."  

She had a look of interest on her face, her gaze seemingly to look right through Ai.  It didn't feel anything like the dark and terrifying gaze of an Organization member, but there was still something dangerous in the air about her.  That feeling was magnified when...something had tugged inside of her, and Ai hadn't been able to stop the gasp of surprise.  Hattori-kun had reacted instantly, putting himself between Ai and the witch, one hand on Ai's arm.  Immediately the sensation stopped, and Koizumi-san had given them both an amused smile.

Hattori-kun had been ready to grab her and make a break for it then and there, but Ai had swallowed the instinctive fear and stepped around him before he could move.  That one moment had been enough to make her believe there was a chance, and she was willing to take it despite the danger.  Conan had risked himself for her; for the cure, she would give up her worthless life for it in turn.  

Her action had met with Koizumi-san approval, and the meeting had gone much more smoothly as they came to an understanding.  Ai had kept a tight hold on her inner cynicism.  She had made a decision, and no matter how outlandish Koizumi-san's ideas seemed, Ai had to trust that there were things in this world she couldn't explain.  It was easier than having a meltdown over it, though now she could understand Hattori-kun's belligerent attitude.

There had been no need for such theatrics when Conan had confronted Koizumi-san.  

It should be possible to release all that...potential.  I cannot guarantee it won't be kill you

Try 3 4

Ai gave her companion a sideways look.  "So glad you could join us," she said quietly, humor obvious in her voice.  Conan gave her a dry look in return.

Across from them, Hattori-kun was currently engaged in a staring contest with Koizumi-san, as he had done every time he'd met the witch.  She regarded him in amusement, but made no move to either stop him or encourage the attention.  Ai didn't know what she was thinking, other than Koizumi-san liked games.

"Are you sure she can be trusted?" Conan asked, using their distraction to take time to study Koizumi-san.  He had that look in his eyes, the focused awareness he used when working out a particularly difficult case or motive.  There was none of the doubt that Ai had expected, no resistance or questions about their sanity, no comments about how crazy he thought they all were.  That was more grace than she'd expected from him.

"I wouldn't have called you here if I thought it would kill you," she said, turning her attention to the papers stacked in her hands.  She'd had them ready for what she'd thought would be inevitable demands for proof, but something had convinced Conan without her interference at all.  Had Hattori-kun been that persuasive?

He didn't take his eyes off Koizumi-san as he replied, "That's not an answer."  Hm, so perhaps someone else had tipped him off?   Ai knew that Koizumi-san had an ulterior motive beyond the interest she had in an impossible reaction caused by science and not magic.  

It was disheartening to know that Ai's biggest contribution to her field was a legacy of death.  She'd never let it bother her overly much.  If she dwelled on all the people she had inadvertently killed, well, she wouldn't be able to move forward.  And she had no choice but to move forward.  That was her penance, the price she paid for her sins.  She'd been given a chance to try to make up for her mistakes in the form of a teenager turned child.  Somehow he'd survived, and had given her the courage to escape or die on her own terms.  Since then, he'd saved her over and over until he'd kept his promise to take down the Organization, to take that threat out of her life forever.  

And she still couldn't keep her promise to him.  Sleepless nights and endless days of research poured into the search for a cure, yet despite taking them out not one sample of the poison had been recovered.  While much of the data had been saved from the attempts to destroy them, the science research had been one of the casualties of the final raids.  So she was stuck with nothing to work from but the blood samples from herself and Conan, and the vague memories of too many possibilities and failures to sift through.  There was no way she'd be able to find the cure.  Not in time, at least.

If it had just been her, she'd never have bothered to look, either.  Without her sister, there was nothing of her old life to return to.  Shiho hadn't had any close friends, and she wanted Sherry to vanish completely.  But Ai did have things to care about; she had a life to live, friends who would miss her if she left, and a sort of family in an eccentric old man and a dysfunctional teenager pretending to be a child.  Things that were important to her.  It was a feeling she'd never had the luxury to experience before, and she was loathed to give it up for anything.

Conan, however, did have things to return to.  What bothered Ai was that he didn't seem to acknowledge what he'd be giving up.  Too caught up in his own brilliance to acknowledge the other people in his life.  That was one of his biggest flaws.  

Koizumi-san turned her attention to Conan. 

And the original notes for the chapter.  gggg Ai was killing me, I could not cold-write her!

Ai, contemplating the Black Org, things that have happened, her talk with Heiji and subsequently Akako, and her decision on the future of Conan.  

She already knows she will never be able to make the cure, not without the original formula, which was destroyed in the take down of the organization.  

She’s willing to grasp at any straw, because of the guilt and her desire to see Shinichi happy, and because surprisingly Akako convinced her it was a good bet.  

She finally tunes back in to Conan’s complaints about Heiji, stupid superstition, the ridiculousness of it all, and she of course was going to tell Heiji where to stick it.  She answers quite calmly that yes, she’d like him to try.  While he’s busy gaping, she continues a perusal of notes or somesuch she got from Akako (because magic aside, she wasn’t about to let anyone hurt Shinichi, so she /was/ going to understand every single step of the process, like any good scientist).  When he finally sputters out a protest, she gets a bit annoyed, explaining this is the last chance, there is nothing else,

and if he /really/ wants to return to normal, he just has to trust her one more time.  

He gives a quiet ascent after a moment’s thought, and she is once again torn at his baseless (to her) trust in her.

[biscuitcrow]

here’s my piece done for the dirkjake big bang event! this is done for mandlien’s fic Deerling, how time flies on AO3 so you should check that out too because it’s great. it’s been an honour to work alongside the concentration of talented artists and writers. for this piece i was trying something new with the composition, focusing on the hands and centring espeon to make obvious it’s a pokemon au.

[dirkjakeweekly]

DIRKJAKE 💥BIG BANG💥 RELEASE!

“Deerling, how time flies”

Written By: @mandlien

Illustrated By: @biscuitcrow

Intro tags: Alternate Universe - Pokemon Fusion, Hurt/Comfort, Childhood Friends, Idiots in Love, Misunderstandings

Read here! ==> LINK

[mandlien]

Put a Ring on It

Fandom: The Scum Villain’s Self Saving System

Pairing: Moshang

Summary: It's the day after Shen Yuan's and Luo Binghe's reception party. The last thing Shang Qinghua expects is to wake up with a hurting ass, dried come in his tights, and Mobei-Jun's arms holding him tight. The ring on his finger is just the icing on the cake.

Shang Qinghua doesn't remember a single thing of what happened last night after a certain point. How did he go from bitter and resentful at Shen Yuan to marrying a man he is pretty sure loved nothing more than to bully him?

/Done for the Moshang Big Bang 2023. My artist is @sunrise-peach, everyone go see their amazing art here: https://sunrise-peach.tumblr.com/post/732272118947020800/my-art-for-the-moshangevents-big-bang-2023-these

[emsylcatac]

(Continuation of the Marichat emojis story 😂🥺😭😗😞)

Part 1 · Part 2 · Part 3

Thank you again @chatnoirinette for beta-reading this one! Since lots of people liked the first part, I felt like I had to make sure this one would be satisfying enough haha and your comments really helped! ♥

Read the first part before reading this one ;)  (contrary to the 1st part, this one isn’t part of an emoji story at all.)

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Adrien walked through the still-crowded streets of Paris, the gentle wind ruffling his hair and prickling at his skin. It was still quite early in the evening. People around were gathered in cafés and restaurants, discussing and laughing loudly. Some children were chasing each other, screaming and giggling. A couple was walking hand in hand, stealing kisses and whispering sweet nothings. Groups of students were skateboarding; others were talking about which bar they should go to next.

Adrien didn’t pay attention to any of them. He was simply focused on moving, further and further away from the noise, further and further away from them, further and further away from himself. Just like he had been doing for the past two years.

To say Adrien had been shocked at discovering his father and Nathalie were the ones behind the masks of Paris’ most infamous supervillain terrorists was an understatement. And yet he couldn’t help but think that he shouldn’t have been surprised. That he should have known. His father had only been slipping away from him more and more with time; Adrien had always thought that he hadn’t yet come to terms with his mother’s disappearance. In a way, it had been the truth. He still wished he had been more prepared anyway. He had just been there, young and naive, forgiving and forgiving and forgiving again all of his father’s absences and mistakes.

And it was ironic, wasn’t it? He, the so-called ‘superhero’ Chat Noir, Ladybug’s most trusted partner, just so happened to be the son of their enemy. And he. Had never. Noticed.

He hated himself for that. He hated how stupid and naive and oblivious he had been for missing all the signs. Stupid boy with stupid superpowers and stupid dreams and stupid— stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Adrien turned around a corner in a much emptier and calmer street, quickening  his pace. He remembered the first few months after the fight. How the people had reacted towards Adrien—the shock, the pitiful glances, and then the blame and the hate. If someone should have realised something, surely it must have been the ‘golden son.’ How could he not, living under the same roof? What proof was there that he hadn’t worked with his father? Some of the media and his former friends were still doubting him. And really, how could he defend himself when he had been absent during every attack so he could secretly fight...those very attacks? It had been hard to find an alibi.

And then... then, there was how people had reacted towards Chat Noir. He had been, much like Ladybug, acclaimed. Thanked again and again and again. The news of him almost dying during the fight had quickly spread—he had made it there. He was a true hero. The media and the citizens had praised him for weeks and weeks to months. And it slowly drove him insane.

Adrien’s hands curled into fists inside of his pockets as he turned off down the street. How fickle they were all being. How dare they put all the blame on him while giving him all the credit at the same time? How could they spit on him while glorifying him? It shouldn’t—it wasn’t fair.

It wasn’t fair. And yet...

He felt ashamed. He couldn’t bear transforming anymore to hear people cheering his name, not knowing they would all be booing it the second the magic faded. So after trying to juggle through it all the first few months, he had to put a stop to it. He told Ladybug to give him time—he hoped she would understand. He couldn’t—he wasn’t ready to show her who he was. He didn’t want to see the pity he was sure to find in her eyes. He wasn’t strong enough for that. ‘And she deserves better,’ a treacherous voice was whispering in his head.

Adrien finally saw his apartment block at the end of the street and found himself slowing down. Reminiscing this period of his life was putting a weight on his feet and he felt his heart getting heavier with each step. During those first months, he hadn’t had the time to really think about everything that had happened; there had been too much going on. It had been hard, but his friends had been there. They had supported him. Well, those who believed him had, anyway. But he had never been able to tell them the whole truth. His father had tried to kill him and he—they couldn’t know nor understand why he was feeling as bad as he was. But they were there.

Until.. until life slowly got back to normal. They were still present, but not as much. Because daily life had caught up with them, as it should. Except Adrien’s had stopped. Everything was turning fast, so fast around him and he was just...here, frozen in time. How could they all be happy when nothing was right?

He arrived at his place and pushed the door open before climbing the seven stairs leading to his apartment. It was always so long to go up all the steps, but some days it felt longer than others; today was one of those days. Maybe it was just because he felt tired— tired of feeling too much and feeling nothing all the time; of trying and trying and failing to keep up with life. No matter how hard he worked to climb out of the hole he was in, he always found himself back at the bottom. He sighed. Grieving was a long process. When he told Ladybug to give him time, he thought it would take him a few months at most. Wrong. After the endless circle of pain came the numbness. He was devoid of feelings—happiness, sadness, joy, pain...his emotions were passing over him, but he didn’t actually feel or experience them. It was a weird sensation. And not a nice one at that.

It’s not that he hadn’t missed Ladybug during those two years; he just hadn’t felt like he was missing her. Or anyone else, for that matter. And he wasn’t feeling ready to bear the mantle of Chat Noir just yet. So he kept postponing the day he would come back to her. Later, he was telling himself. Later. Later. Later...

Adrien fumbled with his keys before opening the door to his flat. Once he was in, he dropped his coat on the sofa before staring blankly straight ahead, eyes unfocused. Seeing his younger self had been...unexpected, to say the least. A weird out-of-body experience of sorts. He had immediately fled to Alya and Nino’s room to avoid saying something he shouldn’t. And because it was like he had...forgotten, somehow, that he had once been Chat Noir. He knew it. He had just decided to ignore it. But then all his friends came in and it had felt like too much. And he had decided to walk back home.

He couldn’t remember how many times he had insulted this boy for being that much of an idiot. But seeing him like that, so full of joy and curiosity and wonder, ready to take on the world, while Adrien knew he was dealing with so many issues in his life that no one even suspected, he just realised that—

“I was a kid,” Adrien whispered, unmoving. “Oh my god, I was just a kid.” He slowly clutched his face and let his tears fall for the first time in a year.

Sobs started to rack his body, and he let himself fall on his sofa, all his feelings finally crashing down on him. And that was it—how could he put the actions of a deranged adult on the shoulders of a child?

Plagg hovered silently above him, letting him cry quietly but offering support with his presence.

After a little while, he spoke softly:

“I know. That’s what I’ve always told you. I’m glad you’re able to see it too now.”

Adrien cried harder at his words.

“You’re very brave, you know...it doesn’t change much for you to hear, but I am proud of you. I have always been,” Plagg whispered.

“Thank you, Plagg,” he answered between sobs. “That... means a lot.”

He continued to cry a few minutes while Plagg sat on his shoulder, patting his cheek.

He finally spoke after he had calmed down. “I...I must see Ladybug. I owe her that and...and I miss her.  But I don’t feel like transforming...not just yet,” he said, wiping tears away from his face.

“Take your time,” Plagg told him. “You’ve been through a lot tonight.”

Adrien chuckled sadly. “I just saw myself, it’s not...I wouldn’t call that ‘a lot,’ you know.”

“You realised a lot. And I’m glad to see you crying for once. You needed it.”

Adrien smiled painfully. “I guess I did.”

They both kept silent a few more minutes, letting all the emotions of the evening sink in.

Adrien was about to stand up when a loud bang on his window stopped him in his tracks. He raised his eyes to it, wondering what could possibly make such a sound and—

—came face to face with a frantic-looking Ladybug, who was making wide gestures and bouncing up and down in place at the sight of him. She had tears in her eyes.

Adrien approached his window with wide, incredulous eyes. He had barely opened it when she stumbled in his arms, gripping him as tightly as she could and whispering between sobs...

“Chat— Chaton. Oh my god, Kitty. It is you. It’s you, it’s you, it’s you.”

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Okay, so as you might have seen at the top of this post, I’ve decided to make it not a 2 parts story but a 3 parts one! I hope you liked this one and are ready for the finale one :) again, thank you so much for your interest on this little fic where I just wanted to try my hand at angst AND at writing ♥ and thank you for all the nice comments I received!! It means a lot!

People who asked to be tagged or who asked for a 2nd part, here you are: @momabells, @mrs-berry​, @taora93, @paintedbirdsong, @whimsicallyconfusedforlife, @kpohe8, @kasienda, @aplayfulplatypus, @amychi2000, @magnitude101999, @mochegato, @iridescenceoflove, @katieykat513, @mandlien, @bowser14456, @marikittynoir