#man today fuckkng sucks!!!!

[weareweirdpeople]

not a vent but diabetic shit because why not I want to share my experience

I have diabetes. I've had diabetes sense i was an elementary schooler on the way to middle school. Diabetes fucking sucks and it runs in my family. Because of this, and the fact that my family refuses to call it a disability despite it literally being a chronic illness, it has taken me a while to realize I do infact have a disability.

in hindsight, I am "lucky" that my mom raised me restricting lots of "unhealthy snacks" (non health foods. My mom viewed fucking cheezits as unhealthy and she came from a family that was even stricter with 'healthy' foods.) This meant that when I got diagnosed with diabetes, I would be prepared for the fact that now they weren't just rare treats my mom was learning to be ok with. Now they were aparently dangerous to my health and I could almost never eat them again.

My uncle has severe type 1 diabetes and my mom used to try to help him manage it, but he's a grown man whos never taken good care of it and does what he wants. So now that I had diabetes she was going to are sure I definitely didn't end up like that. This means that even if he himself brought all the kids a sweet treat, depending on my blood sugar I wouldn't even be allowed to have it. Most of the time she didn't want me to have it. This all went down with covid and I got to live with my diabetic father. The plus side was that the restrictions where pretty much gone, and I just needed to manage my sugar. The bad part is that I was fucking terrified of pricking my finger. It would take me hours to pick my finger, and my dad would be pissed. It slowly became very normal. I also had to learn how to take pills and open a pill bottle.

A while later now that I'm living with my whole family, I still have great care over my diabetes. I say great care as in how my family views it. I have the best a1c, I have the most consistent blood sugars. Personally I'm happy I can do that while having major depression but it makes me sad at the same time. It just pisses me off. Anytime my sugar is high I'm asked "what did you eat? What did you eat today? What was your sugar this morning?" I have an anxiety disorder. The doctors and google have told us that stress and anxiety can heighten blood sugar. Every time its about what I at. If im super sleepy? What did I eat? Whats my blood sugar? If im super anxious? Whats my blood sugar? Is it low? What have you eaten today?

My mom has always been focused on my diabetes. I low key hate it.

But in hindsight some of her ideas and things she let me do were so bad that its actually funny. Like holy shit mom, that was wild.

She at first wanted me to count all of my carbs. Every time I ate. All the carbs. She wanted me to check my sugar everytime I ate and then based on that it would determine what I was allowed to eat.

Then there was the point in time where she let me run around outside all day without eating lunch and sometimes even breakfast or any water until my sugar dropped crazy low and I was dizzy and shaking, and then id go outside again right after it went up. She doesn't like me reminding her of this because she says it makes her feel like a bad mother and that she was distracted. Im pretty sure the only constant meal was eating was dinner.

one time during Easter when we did an egg hunt my siblings got eggs fully of candy like normal. But my mom was running late on candy shopping so instead of giving me candy eggs, she made me get the special eggs she made, thinking they had zero sugar candy. They were fuckkng almonds. Unsalted Almonds. What. The. Fuck. I have never let her live that shit down, because who gives their kid fucking almonds as a treat??? Diabetic or not, unsalted almonds???

I was very very upset that year to say the least. My mom has always been stingy with any candy of any sorts. Even before we knew I was diabetic I was only really allowed 1-3 prices of candy from a holiday at most, and only after dinner. My Halloween candy especially would either go bad or she would eat it as well and I would not get much of it.

And after diabetes? Keto everything. My mom wanted to find as much keto stuff as possible, and I get it. We have a diabetic household, but she didn't do that shit until I got diagnosed with diabetes. I am happy that by now shes pretty much stopped all her restrictions and the keto stuff, she's still really diabetes focused when it comes to my mood and doesn't consider it a disability but that's okish.

Hilariously j don't have type 1 diabetes. Or type 2. I have a genetic mutation, and have had to convince multiple people that no I don't just have type 2, no I didn't not get diabetes because of my eating habits have you fucking seen me I am a god damm stick and even if I was fat that doesn't mean shit, no I cannot just eat fruit instead of candy that's not how diabetes works you peice of shit.

Long story short, i don't get a CGM or an Insulin pump. I actually make too much insulin, and dont really absorb it all and a CGM is to expensive... that means I just have to watch my sugar and take my pills indefinitely and I can't check my sugar too much because then I'd have to wait for my refills to get done because American health care fucking sucks ass.

lol diabetes sucks, stop being assholes to people with diabetes.

[moonimbued]

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[sufferinggod]

So yeah I was just depressed and moody the whole fucking day. Great start to my week smfh. Idk why God puts me through so much suffering and torment. I guess I deserve it for being an asshole most of my life. I have the worst luck and karma. I was thinking to myself today it would suck if I die and I'm reincarnated into all this shit again... But yeah, basically they were threatening to fire me. All because this old ass fucking bitch doesn't like me bro. And it sucks fucking ass how I'm the only guy working with all these women dude that's another reason why it just isn't working out. But I literally have to deal with it I have no other choice. There aren't any other jobs I can work at near me... I literally have no fucking idea where ima go if I get fired from this place. And I have no cash whatsoever saved so I know I'm definitely going to suffer... I had several suicidal thoughts throughout the day. I was just depressed the whole day since they told me that this morning. How else would one feel? And then those bitches try and cheer me up and talk to me like nothing happened like bitch they're threatening to fire me I'm not in the fuckkng mood right now... I didn't care if I was killing the vibe either bro that's how depressed I was the whole day. Rn I'm just thinking how ima have to go back to that toxic ass environment tomorrow smh. THAT'S LIFE. I don't even know how to react anymore. Idk if I should try and bounce back from it or just let it completely deflate me and submit to it. Depression really hit me hard today. It's almost 11 PM. I wanna sleep but also wanna get drunk. If I start drinking I am getting no sleep whatsoever man and that isn't going to help tomorrow.

[itsadiarywhatever]

7/27/2017

<p>Today I got a mini lecture from my mom about how I’m not okay. I know I’m not but that doesn’t mean I need to hear it from someone else she told me I need to sleep and that I need to find out what the problem is so I can fix it she said I did this my senior year of high school the whole not sleeping barely eating drinking way to much coffee and just not taking care of myself thing I told her that I am fine and not to worry but she wasn’t satisfied she said she will always worry because she cares I told her there was nothing to worry about. help.. I am aware there is a problem especially rn the day runs into the night the night into the day it’s actually the 28th as I’m writing this and I’ve had a little DP Vodka and coconut rum. Mario is already asleep he was pretty drunk ha I really do love him but it’s hard sometimes because I believe he loves me but I don’t think he really knows me so I guess I am just scared that he might love the idea of me rather than me. That would be my own fault tho I am slow to open up but we will see. You know when you are a little tipsy and you move but it’s just a bit slower than you anticipate and you feel a bit sluggish yeah that’s how I feel right now but I suppose that’s kind of why I did it. Why I drank. Because I wanted to feel the fire in my stomach, I wanted to clear my head, I wanted to sleep a bit but here I am writing this. I think I want to write a book I want to call it Almost Legal I’m stealing the name from the shirt Seth got at the strip club they went to in Allen after the concert where he got his first lap dance;. I wonder if I asked him for an interview on the experience if he’d do it but anyways it will basically be about the shit I did between 18-21 those years where you are an “adult” however not quite “adult’ enough whatever that means everything from drinking, sex, weed, shaving, shopping, school, self care, working, dating all of the stuff everyone just doesn’t really know about with a stress on the fact that it is all based on personal experience and we will all experience everything differently idk but I know I am definitely off topic I honestly wish I was as drunk as I got after Elizabeth’s wedding with Cody and Alison because I feel really fucking good you know every time I get drunk or high or just to where I know I’m not 100% I want to talk to Mario but don’t like I really just wanna talk like I do with my friends and just go to town but I always quiet myself or won’t really talk just because I’m scared of what he might say but I have been getting a lot better about talking to him or at least I am trying but he is asleep which makes me sad but he needs to sleep he’s got shit to do ha recently I have really been a bit down and I want to talk about it but I feel like such a burden on everyone that I don’t idk it’s just hard because even when they say they want to hear it it’s like no yr just saying that because that is what you’re supposed to say lol I’m getting a little sleep which was also the goal of drinking to be able to sleep because I have been having a hard time with that. It really sucks to sleep alone tbh I would love to be cuddled up in a bed with Mario rn just laying there arms around each other comfortable being held I fuckkng love that shit man lol I’ve been typing for a while so I think I’m gonna go to sleep lol but I kinda wanna read this in the morning just to see because I am trying to recall everything I wrote about and I’m like yup feelings haha also might be a bit stressed but shhh don’t tell anyone b/c like what do I have to be stressed about lol I am just ready to be back in San Angelo it really became a home for me and I miss it so much definitly not my forever place but for now it is literally so much better than HG haha hey Alexis don’t forget to throw ur cup away haha jk I’m not that drunk goodnight world I love you and all of you fucked up asshole bullshit you be pulling but sometimes man you really gotta lay off people deserve better than this shit peace love and positivity man hippie vibes and love yourself because you fucking deserve it