#man im so good at coming up with synonyms though

[fiddlededeejester]

middle school: STOP using the word SAID in your writing more than like ONE TIME or you'll DIE

high school: PLEASE for the love of GOD use said more often

[xmalereader]

Moonknight x Shifter! Male Reader

☆— MASTERLIST — ☆

Requested: can i request a fic that's more of a headcannons post than a fic? i really love the way you write the moon knight boys and was wondering how'd they react to a protective shifter!reader who's usually quite calm and reserved(maybe a wolf just for the irony of wolves being sorta synonymous with the moon)? maybe in a world where shifters are starting to be accepted but some people are still jerks. kind of a "three times reader protected the boys and the time they returned the favor" sorta thing. if all three is too much though i totally understand, im okay with just one, your pick. whatever your schedule allows for ❤️ sorry if this is hard to understand it's a fever at 4am kinda night but i couldn't pass up the chance to make a request lul love your writing! hope you're doing well! i wish you good writing thoughts and dexterous typing times 🫡

CONTENT/WARNINGS: Fluff, slight angst, request, Steven is a sweetheart and Jake is scary while Marc is trying, short, headcannons, reader is a shifter, werewolves, society differences.

WC: 1.5k

TAGS: @luci-the-brat-boy

NOTES: I apologize for the long wait on making this request I’ve been busy on my end but I’ve finally got the time to get these completed! Thank you for enjoying my moonknight shots, writing these characters can be a bit tricky since they all have different personalities but I was able to make it work! I did make a few changes so hopefully it’s still good!

Shifters were still new to society and not many have grown used to them due to the fear of getting hurt one day if they were to shift in front of them and perhaps hurt them or kill them. Each shifter was different and due to their existence, laws were established in order to keep a balance between shifters and none shifters, but the laws didn’t really stop the hate that some people carried for them.

Steven Grant:

Steven didn’t think he’d end up dating a shifter, let alone one who shifts into a wolf the size of a car. He was shy at first since he was new to the whole shifting when it came towards his partner.

After a few dates Y/n grew comfortable in showing Steven his new form, taking things slow with the man since he was always so nervous around him until months of dating he’s grown used to him. Steven had also told Y/n about his DID and about Marc and Jake, giving him very little information about them expecting his partner to pry for more information only to reassure him that he doesn’t have to force himself.

After their confession they continued on with their dating life like normal. Until Y/n started to notice the way that Steven is treated at the museum, each time he paid him a visit he noticed how rude his manager was being to him, making him growl in anger by how to orders Steven around and makes him do the extra work while she sits back and does nothing.

Y/n knew how much Steven loved his job, but there were times that he couldn’t help but interfere with the situation.

It didn’t take long for him to track down Steven's mangers and corner them in an empty hallway, whispering them threats on treating their employees with respect and to not treat them as slaves, frightening the poor women.

“Treat them like slaves again and I’ll hunt you down on the next full moon.”

Lets just say that Steven stopped receiving bad treatment after that which only left him a bit confused and oblivious to the matter.

Y/n was always protective of Steven due to his innocence and oblivious state at times. Every time someone looked at him wrong or stopped his ancient Egypt mid rant he’d slowly turn to the person to give them the stink eyes as if saying, “how dare you stop him from talking about what he loves?!”

He had scary dog privileges…literally.

The first time that Steven actually lost it was when one of their neighbors caught Y/n coming back home from a full moon with Steven next to him. His wolf form looking a little smaller as he padded next to him quietly and tried to regain his thoughts after last nights events only for their snotty neighbor to step out into the hall and scold Steven for keeping a “mutt” around.

Y/n was close to turning around and snapping his jaws at the neighbor in order to scare them only for Steven to step in between them while glaring at the man angrily. Steven was already tired from chasing after his partner through the streets and making sure he wasn’t causing any trouble all night and his neighbors comment was his last straw.

The shifter had never seen Steven so upset, using every cuss word he knows to call the neighbor out, pointing a finger at him and jabbing them in the chest. It caught both shifter and neighbor by surprise until Steven finally cooled down and opens their door to allow them inside.

Once inside Steven slams the door behind him and leans his back against it with his face buried in his hands. Y/n had approached Steven slowly, still a small wolf and whining softly to get the man’s attention only for Steven to drop his hands and look at his partner in horror.

“Did I just do that? Oh god I’m gonna have a heart attack.”

Steven had never blown up like that before that even he was surprised by his outburst that night.

Marc Spector:

Marc wanted to scold Leon for picking a shifter as a boyfriend. Marc didn’t hate shifters he just didn’t know much about them to actually trust them yet, so when he finds out that Steven got himself a shifter of a boyfriend he couldn’t help but be a bit cautious around him.

Y/n didn’t spend much time around Marc since the man refused to be around him when it was his turn to take over the body. The shifter wanted to ignore him and let him do as he wanted, only to end up following Marc secretly whenever he went out.

The two didn’t get along quiet yet, but Y/n is still overprotective of the two of them. Yes, they share the same body but he can’t help but feel like he needs to be there to protect them both.

Only Marc doesn’t need protection he knows how to take care of himself and stick up for others, so the first few times he caught Marc being defensive or fighting back he couldn’t help but find the man quiet attractive.

Marc was perhaps the one who could actually make him blush whenever they spent time together back in Steven’s flat. Even when Marc returned back home stressed and upset, Y/n already knew how to help the man distress by shifting into his wolf form and lying on his back across Marc’s lap and letting the man scratch his belly or bury his face into his warm fur while groaning in frustration as if someone would do to a pillow. Y/n enjoyed cuddling with Marc during his full moons when he’s stuck in his wolf form for long hours of the night.

Y/n was in the cities office when he was first called out for being a shifter while renewing his passport due to Marc wanting to take them on a trip. A few strangers were waiting around for their turn and due to Y/n being a shifter he was first priority since he went through a longer process in getting a renewal which pissed off a lot of people.

Only for Marc to shout at them to shut up and reminding them the laws between humans and shifters and how not everything is fair between them, giving them a deadly glare that made them back off.

Y/n can’t help but crack a small smile when hearing Marc’s words as he focused on his passport renewal.

Jake Lockely:

It was harder for Y/n to get along with Jake since he acted like the silent but deadly brother between the three. He found Jake intimidating that he was perhaps the first person to actually make him tuck his tail between his legs.

Jake didn’t need protection and Y/n knew that since he’s seen the man beat another human to near death until he stopped him from going to far. Y/n didn’t know about Jake until one night when he noticed a change of smell in Steven and Marc’s scent, realizing that they weren’t the only ones.

Jake was suppose to be a secret, hiding in the shadows as he watched over Marc and Steven. Only the cab driver didn’t really need to protect them since they had a shifter by their side, but that didn’t mean Jake couldn’t keep an eye on him too.

Their first night together was awkward for them since Jake rarely spoke and Y/n was too afraid to ask him questions without getting the man angry. It didn’t take long for Jake to notice this that he finally decides to speak up, asking questions that’ll get him closer to the shifter.

They only spent time together during late nights when Steven and Marc are sleeping and Jake is able to take full control. Giving Y/n a chance to join him on his nightly trips and sitting next to him on the passenger seat while talking.

It didn’t take long for Jake to warm up to the shifter, not realizing that Jake had added him to his list of people to protect. Even though Y/n can shift into a large wolf, big enough to kill anyone on sight, Jake still decided to take the roll of taking care of the shifter too.

Y/n first witnessed Jake defending him when he was helping a man into the cab from a club, drunk off his ass while the shifter gets him inside the back seat. What he didn’t realize was the group of men lurking around the club, clearly drunk as they whistled at him, trying to get his attention which he ignored.

That was until one of them had the balls to slap his ass filling him with shock and ready to strike the man down, but when turning around Jake was already doing that for him.

Jake was filled with rage as he slams his fist into the man’s face over and over again. The others tried to pry Jake off, but he was faster than them, kicking their asses and forcing them on their knees and apologizing to the shifter.

Y/n could only stare at Jake with wide eyes as the men whimpered out their apologizes to him.

[akai-anna]

HEY THERE MY LOVELY MUTUAL <3 <3 (I love when you reblog and queue my posts ur actually amazing ily so much I love reading your tags hugs hugs hugs <3 <3 <3 im in love, giggling kicking my feet everyday)

SAW THE CHARACTERS OPINION BINGO U REBLOGGED 👍 I GOTCHU

TAKAGI. BABY BOI OF DCMK (I remember seeing a poll rolling around somewhere about the most dcmk baby girl and Takagi won)

I will also have to have to ask you about Kaito HAHAH (my fav blorbo i will admit)

ok the thing is im from australia. choose an australian animal of your choice bc i am Intrigued. im not too sure how the bingo would translate though hahahah I don't think it would work very well

(feel free to also ask me anything or talk to me and about this bingo too >v0 b)

wait you know what i forgot LOL WE GOTTA HAVE THE PROTAGONIST DUO SHIN/CONE AS WELL. PLS

*LIGHTS UP LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE* MY DEAR MUTUAL, HI CYN, HELLO!!!!

Firstly: WE'VE NEVER TALKED BEFORE BUT LET ME TELL YOU, I WAS (still am) SMILING LIKE AN IDIOT WHEN I SAW YOU SEND IN AN ASK! Yes, I keep track and i'm always happy to see you in my activity and my dash! (I'm also really happy to see we mutually share that feeling; I relate to the giggling kicking feet sentiment a lot.) I'm happy to have this chance to interact with you, in a sense, face to face! Bless you, darling, and I'm sending hugs right back at you.

Secondly: YOU HAVE EXCELLENT TASTE AND YOU HAVE MY ETERNAL ADORATION ESPECIALLY FOR ONE TAKAGI WATARU, he always needs more love, I FREAKING ADORE THAT MAN.

Thirdly: warning notes apply, as stated in previous asks:

I tend to interpret things liberally: only my own rules apply, which means ->

I check everything that makes sense to me, even if they might seem contradictory

The Character Opinion Bingo in question

Prepare for endless ranting. And as a certain someone says: さあショーの始まりだ わ!

I. Takagi Wataru

The Babygirl and Malewife of My Heart Personal Special Tag: #takagi is a good man

Points that I feel need a little elaboration:

I am so normal about them: I use the word "normal" as a synonym for "utterly obsessed with" and "absolutely love and adore". (I don't like the word in itself, hence, the only context I use it in, is this. But that is another story.)

*puts them in a salad spinner*: as in, the salad spinner is my brain, and he keeps rotating in it at high centrifugal force.

Canon isn't real if I don't look at it and That's a solid design right there: Detco Canon is... As much as I love it, I think we can agree it has its shortcomings/issues, and one of them is coming up. These two points go hand in hand at this moment because LOOK AT HIM!!! LOOK AT HIM!!! THIS MAN IS A BABY!!! LOOK AT HIM, HE'S PERFECT!!! THE SPIKY HAIR!!! THE SHAPES!!! THE COLOUR PALETTE!!! HE'S SO CUTE!!

I resonate with this particular video: his new design in the anime (partly thanks to the general Square-and-Pointy-fication) is just... THEY HAD THE PERFECT MAN. IT'S A CRIME. Bless that he is at least still cute in the manga, even if not the same way as in the early anime. The sharp cheekbones and soft looking hair have their charm.

My point is: THIS!!!! MAN!!! IS!!! A BABY!!!!

Literally I would kiss them and I want to BITE them: he makes me go FERAL with LOVE, and makes me feel like I want to gnaw on something or eat a whole fridge or scream endlessly into a pillow. I wouldn't do it to HIM (I'll leave that to Satou Miwako), but generally, the feeling is there. (Okay, I'll be honest, I would totally give him forehead, cheek, or hair kisses.)

To close his section, have one of my favourite bits about this Baby Of A Man. That poll was absolutely right about him, THE ULTIMATE BABYGIRL (and Malewife TM).

⊱✿⊰

II. Kuroba Kaito/Kaitou KID

The Local Mischief and Chaos Bringer Personal Special Tag: #the magical agent of chaos

LOL I DIDN'T EXPECT TO GET A BINGO, EVEN WITH THE FREE SPACE HAHA

Some points are the same as for Takagi, but here is elaboration on the ones that don't match:

Bastard, A Beast Unleashed and They didn't get bullied enough: let's be real. He's an Absolute Menace. And I sort of love that about him. Highly competent (competency makes me go weak), and if that is not scary (and hot) I don't know what. And sometimes he also goes too far (lifting skirts is not okay at all, Kaito) and needs someone to put a leash on him (or kick a soccer ball at him/chase him in a classroom). I feel that sometimes he needs a bit of bullying a challenge, to think about things. And again, honesty: I love seeing him suffer a bit, I love his Panic Moments LOL. Not in a mean way. But I also love how kind he is; the baseball chapter in the MK manga has my heart, and the Clock Tower Heist, and the Red Tear chapter... Not to mention the Nightmare arc. He cares about people and making others happy. I feel I went on a tangent here. Onto the bastard bit: he CAN BE SUCH A BASTARD AND I LOVE THAT ABOUT HIM TOO. Two of my favourite bits of Bastardry from him include 1) HOW HE DISGUISED AS RAN AND HOW HE BAITED SHINICHI AT THE VERY END OF THAT ENCOUNTER and 2) THE WAY HE SENDS SHINICHI CAREENING IN THE SIDECAR LIKE IT'S NOTHING (but also Shinichi getting right back at him and setting fire to the fckin fuel.) Pure Bastard Energy.

I want their gender: I love the way he is just so free-spirited about how he dresses/disguises. And I love the thought of him and Aoko doing outfit swaps (I blame that competition in MK for these. Also look at these delightful posts on the topic).

Canon isn't real if I don't look at it: I have... issues, with canon, you could say. Like the way he has no support system, especially bothers me. I would like to see his character treated with more care (be it MK or DetCo). I live for good character development, and I crave that for him.

To close this section, have one of my favourite conversations between these two menaces of nature.

⊱✿⊰

III. Australian Animal of Choice: Koala

Fun fact: I've been in love with koalas ever since I got a keyholder plushie from relatives in Australia when I was like... in kindergarten? Or early elementary? Also don't worry, *puts on sunglasses* I wouldn't have mentioned animals, if I thought I couldn't work with them.

Elaboration is needed here I feel.

I am so normal about them: I'm not as obsessed as I used to be but I'm eternally fond of koalas. Did you know their fingerprints are so similar to us they could be mistaken for human fingerprints? Or how they spend most of their time sleeping because the eucalyptus they consume is toxic? Or how they can actually swim well? Or how they are literally surviving by being Dumb As Shit because Being Dumb Saves Energy? Yeah, I'm totally normal about them.

*projects onto them like a mf* and I want their gender: Oh to be a koala, just existing, sleeping, sometimes waking up to eat some eucalyptus, then going right back to sleep. I want that.

That's a solid design right there: HAVE YOU SEEN THEM? SO FLUFFY LOOKING!!! WITH BIG CLAWS!!! THE BIG NOSE!!! SO SHAPED!!! NOT TO MENTION THE EARS!!!

They are so silly and They Sure Do Exist: how did this animal even come into existence? Weird lil creatures. THEY ARE JUST SO SILLY. THE NOISES THE MAKE. Like oh my god.

Literally I would kiss them: THEY JUST LOOK SO SOFT, HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME NOT TO BURY MY FACE IN THE FUR?

⊱✿⊰

IV. Kudou Shinichi/Edogawa Conan

*Prof Agasa voice* He has many nicknames, like Gremlin Child, Absolute Menace, Ultimate Baby, Lil Nerd, Walking Encyclopedia Son, or Disaster Child. I think I call him as many names as I do my dear Rosie, so that is quite telling LMAO Personal Special Tag: #the detective gremlin

HDSBSKDB DOUBLE BINGO (AND ALMOST 4 BC HE'S ALSO DET'S FAV, SO ALMOST CROSSED OUT PROXY TOO KSJNVKSVNJS OK, my love for him is showing, I guess)

EDIT: FCKIN TRIPLE BINGO AS @vampirecatsw POINTED OUT oh my god, I'm blind

Again, some thoughts on relevant bits.

*projects onto them like a mf*: THIS CHILD IS SO FCKIN NEURODIVERGENT, AND I FCKIN RELATE, ALSO HE LOVES AND CARES SO DEEPLY IT HURTS AND I RELATE SO HARD.

A Beast Unleashed: another MENACE OF NATURE. You cannot let him roam free, he finds trouble like it's Breathing. Also love it when he goes ballistic. Or when he shows how competent he is. Like GOD. HE'S AMAZING, and he's a danger to criminals and himself, mostly.

Everyone else if wrong about them: not EVERYONE, just... some people. We agreed with a friend that some of our issues in portrayal lies with the fandom sort assigning him traits that Hakuba has, but not Shinichi (Hakubification). Of course, people can have their fun with it, but it's not for me and have my own opinions on the matter.

Canon isn't real if I don't look at it: again, DetCo has issues. Like the lack of continuity/ erased character development, or not bringing up issues ever again, and the like. Early DetCo was GOOD at these, and I miss those times.

That's a solid design right there and I fuck with this aesthetic so hard: HE IS!!!! SO SHAPED!!!!! SO ROUND!!! (or at least used to be) THE GENTLE CURVES OF HIS FACE!!! THE SILLY HAIR!!!! NOT TO MENTION HIS FCKIN WARDROBE!!!! I'M OBSESSED WITH HIM!!! Also, I have a huge thing for blue eyes and dark hair combination, not to mention the glasses... I'm fckin weak for glasses... god. He just hits all the right spots in my heart and brain. (Not to mention his personality, I WANT TO CRY I LOVE HIM SO MUCH-)

They didn't get bullied enough: I live for others teasing Gremlin Child. It's not quite bullying (never HURT HIM FOR REAL, I'LL CRY), but he needs to be TEASED MORE FOR SURE. I guess Bastardry also fits into this, that's good too.

SQUEAK: sometimes he is just so DUMB I want to SQUISH HIM HARD OR SHAKE HIM. I LOVE HIM, I SO DO, even if he is an idiot at times. God. I love him.

Literally I would kiss them and I want to BITE them: HIS CHEEKS ARE SO PERFECTLY ROUND I WANT TO CHOMP ON THEM. ALSO ALL THE KISSES TO HIM!!!!! BABY BOY!!!! GIVE HIM ALL THE KISSES!!!! AND HUGS TOO!!!

Bastard: the way he FCKS WITH SOME CRIMINALS. OH MY GOD. THE WAY HE IS SOMETIMES A MENACE ON PURPOSE. THE WAY HE SOMETIMES GETS SO ANNOYED HE JUST GOES FOR HIS WATCH. Also the way he is an absolute bastard to KID. His attitude is just so. *chef kiss* Love a menace of a child, HE'S AMAZING. HIS RAZOR SHARP SMIRK, THE MISCHIEVOUS CHILD FACE.

I have way too many favourite bits related to this boi. So. Have these random screencaps from my DCMK folder.

I hope you have fun reading this madness, Cyn! I HAD AN ABSOLUTE BLAST, YOU HAVE MY ETERNAL LOVE, may you have an absolutely blessed day, dear.

[queermarzipan]

[Image ID:

The first image is a screenshot of a quote tweet. It responds to a tweet reading "Why is this generation so comfortable disrespecting God? Aren't you scared ???". The response reads, "So you agree? Christianity is reinforced through fear instead of faith?" and is accompanied by with the meme screencap of Regina George leaning over the table with a predatory smile.

The second image is a screenshot of tumblr tags. They read:

#i was raised catholic but am not anymore #and when i asked one if my baptist friends in college why i should fear god #she told me that it was how you love #and she didnt see anytging wring with that #she said you fear your parents right? #andime my parents arent perfect and weve had our share of issues but ive never feared them #and she thought I WAS the crazy one for thinking that i shouldnt be afraid of the entity that supposedly created us #so many christians especially the very right wing ones tie fear with love #thats why you see them in unhappy and unbalanced marriages too #because the woman has toove the man but love here is synonymous with fear #cause to them the man is higher up than the woman #so when you take that away as with lil nas x did in his new mv #they dont know what to do and cant keep you in line because those tactics no longer work #you realize that love is NOT fear and lil nas x took his power back and made love to be joyous and sexy #i had a thought process but im running out of time before work so please excuse my rambling

/End ID]

@evilkitten3 i NEED to preserve your tags:

#i'm jewish and was raised in a secular household and didn't have much religious thoughts at all until adulthood #but like. my belief is this: if there is a g-d - no clue if there is; probably we aren't supposed to know - i don't need to fear them #how g-d loves me is up to g-d. but i don't believe that love is something i should be afraid of or try to control #any deity existing on the scale typically presented in monotheistic religions would realistically be borderline incomprehensible to humans #little kids can barely understand how five minutes isn't a long time to adults. how am i meant to understand eternity? #there's no way to find out anything for sure until you die and there's no guarantee you'll find out anything even after that #so i don't think it's important to try and please g-d or even to try and understand what g-d is and what that means #i think what really matters is doing what you believe is right and making the most out of the time you're given #anyway my point is that i've never understood when xtians say they fear the deity they worship #why? why do you need to be afraid of him? if you believe he loves you why do you also believe it when people say he wants to hurt you? #why would you WANT to believe that?

sooo uh. yeah this is extremely. this is very real. i still sing at my local church bc it's a good time even though i lost my faith and. the phrase "fear the lord" comes up in the more traditional hymns a LOT. and it's always a positive. it is literally a synonym for "love" or "know" or "embrace".

i remember being taken aback as a young catholic and asking my mom what word was SUPPOSED to be there bc they clearly made a mistake (bc why would you fear the lord?? if the lord is good??) and the response was half "oh fear meant something different back then" and half "being afraid of him is natural when you believe in him because he is so powerful".

like. i grimaced all the way through that psalm. i still sing it sometimes. but yea the conflation of fear and love in christianity is VERY real and VERY present and literally baked into the scripture. i Do Not understand it

Christians hate when a gay man goes “fuck it, I’ll gladly go to Hell if you want me to so bad” because it takes the edge away from their tools of fear. If they can’t scare you with threats of eternal damnation then one of their main weapons is taken away.

[fanficbambiandy]

oh its my time to shine! hello yes, im a disabled person and ive noticed a couple of things that you should keep in mind when writing any disabled character if you're able bodied (though a few will be specifically about viktor)

1 a • asexual headcanons: as your local disabled asexual, i can say that there can be issues in regards to this headcanon! a lot of times disabled folk will be infantilized or seen as less capable because "oh how are you supposed to have sex?" aka a lot of weird prejudice about disabled peoples sex lives and if they can even have them. this is not to say you shouldnt headcanon viktor this way at all, but to just keep in mind that if you find yourself always headcanoning disabled characters as ace you should think about why you are doing that!

1 b • on the topic of disablity and sex, please do some research from disabled authors who talk abt this! there are plenty of great resources abt it and i recommend checking them out anyways! disabled people in sex come in all forms, with all position preferences and kinks! and also please maybe try to avoid the "inexperienced shy virgin disabled person is shown how to get it on by the chad able bodied person" trope

2 • the cr*pple word. okay so i actually got flack for this but im saying it anyways: cr*pple is an offensive term and a lot of people (including myself) would consider it a slur. disabled folk are allowed to reclaim it, which is why you see viktor and only viktor say it on screen, but please refrain from using it as an adjective or synonym to disabled person please!

3 • canes and crutches: this is more of a minor one but with canes and crutches you use them on the opposite side of the hurt leg (aka if your left leg acts up, you have your cane on your right)

4 • please dont make our entire existance resentful of our disablities. the show can be a bit guilty of this too, but a lot of times we only are represented as a form of misery porn for able bodied viewers to pity. dont feel the need to make viktors disability his only character trait or motivation, because while our disabilities are a big part of our lives its not the only part of it!

5 • if you can, avoid making viktor seem overly evil or inhuman. yes ik abt the canon league lore but ill explain:

basically a common story beat you'll see for disabled people is rejection of their humanity, because they associate their humanity with their disability and they resent their disability. while it can be done well, it often leads to not so great implications of "disabled people need to change themselves to fit into society instead of soceity accounting and caring for disabled people" which is obviously! bad! theres nothing wrong with us, we're just different and a lot of times people with disabilities are viewed as inhuman or monsters, and it alienates us a lot and makes us seem like some big scary monster to avoid. im not saying it can never be done, but just take a moment to think about why you are utilizing the thing that makes a group a minority their reason to be a villain.

6 • please for the love of all that is holy and good dont do the able bodied saviour trope, viktor grew up in the undercity and while he probably couldnt hold his own in hand to hand combat against someone like vi, that doesnt mean he never learnt jack while living there (and im 98% convinced mans has a hidden weapon slot in his mobility aids at all times /hj)

those are all the disability related tips to keep in mind atm! obvs do your own research, if you have disabled friends comfortable with discussing and answering questions ask them, make sure you are looking at the right places because theres a lot of misinformation about us and please, please please please keep writing about and with viktor. when i saw a disabled character on screen, one that was so similar to mine, who not only acknowledged his disablity but also didnt make it the only aspect of his character i neard cried. its amazing seeing so many people love him as much as i do and im beyond excited to see what everyone creates!

Thank you so much. I'm able-bodied, and I don't know anyone in my circles who have disabilities, so sadly my only resource is the internet and asking online people who are comfortable with sharing. I really hope that the works I have written for Viktor don't make it out, like I view him as a toddler or someone incompetent to take care of himself. I always viewed it as more of getting too engrossed with his work to take care of him (again something i relate so hard on). I hope you don't mind, that I will link this message on the original post.

[roaringwish]

hell yeah go for that explanation man, im curious now

Heheho [rubs hands together]

So basically in PoFV Eiki uses two very important words we need now: karma and the Japanese word 罪 (tsumi).

Karma has a western understanding that's less than desirable. In Buddhism there exists the term dukkha, it's usually translated as "suffering" but while all suffering is dukkha, not all of dukkha is suffering. It encompasses every grievance from the mild annoyance of being bitten by a bug to actual tragedies like the death of a loved one. Karma is the actions, emotions and other consequences dukkha has on living beings, which is also undeniably unpleasant, but it's not evil, nor does it make you dirty (in fact no matter how much you have, you can cleanse yourself from it). Karma makes you fall to Hell NOT because you're evil. If you're a good person but you let your grief or trauma fester within you and thus it causes you to go dark places, that is what causes you to fall to Hell.

This doesn't even happen as a punishment. The people who fall to hell have suffered so much and they're so unable to improve themselves because of their irreparably damaging mindsets that they'll need to be cleansed of it. This process takes place in Hell and is the most suffering one can go through.

Tsumi is a Shinto term, not Buddhist, but it's very very similar to karma (there's a difference but for this conversation they'll be used as synonyms). This word, tsumi, is translated in touhou (and many other places) as sin. And I'm not saying that it cannot under any circumstances mean sin, because it can but certainly not in this context. In English the closest word to it is (emotional) baggage or (emotional) burden, maybe if someone has a lot of dukkha, they’re “troubled”.

And when you translate it as sin in this context though it severely changes the meaning of Eiki’s words.

-

The official translation:

"Living is that much of a sin. That's right, you've lived a little too long. If you continue living on like this, nothing good will come of it.“

“But if I see a fairy deep in sin, I can't simply leave her alone.“

“If I were in charge of judging you, you have sinned.”

“You may be intending to investigate an incident, but you yourself are causing one. If the sins of events you've caused are included with your own sins, you will most likely fall to hell.”

-

Using baggage or burden:

"Living is that much of a burden to bear. That's right, you've lived a little too long. If you continue living on like this, nothing good will come of it.“

“But if I see deeply troubled fairy, I can't simply leave her alone.“

“If I were in charge of judging you, you’re in great trouble.”

“You may be intending to investigate an incident, but you yourself are causing one. If the grievances of the events you've caused are included with your own baggage, you will most likely fall to hell.”

.

Like do you see how much the tone changes? English Eiki very much sounds like a conservative pastor in comparison.

She’s telling Yuuka that her long life also came with a lot of bigger and smaller grievances and that probably caused her to become like this. Cirno is pursuing something that would make her mortal because of her unsatisfaction with the life she currently has (unsatisfaction also a form of dukkha). Reimu is having a lot of baggage because she has a lot of responsibilities to fulfill that she never asked for. And finally, Aya is causing dukkha with her articles which probably stems from her own personal dukkha and those two together add up to her having a lot of karma.

And like. listen. I clown a lot on the games’ translations, I know. But this is a very substantial change and it very much added to why Eiki is percieved the way she is in fanon.

[everythingispirates]

im not v good at media analysis but ive had some thoughts bouncing around in my head that i need to outlet somehow so just, bear with me okay lmfao

anyway i think that at least in the first 3 movies death is meant to be synonymous with love, and it drives me batshit insane (affectionate). like ok first there was that post that went around a few years ago that rightfully pointed out that every man elizabeth kissed has both been in love/lust with her and also has died. (i am also including jack in this, because although i dont think they were ever "in love", they're practically obsessed with each other in a strange toxic sort of way that weaponizes affection so it counts lol. i could go on about this too bc it makes me insane too)

not to mention, like, davy jones' entire story being a tragic love story, the man literally cannot die because of calypso... i mean its not that simple obv but from his perspective at least he believes calypso does not return his affection for her even though she DOES, just not in the way he can really anticipate or comprehend. which to me i think means that while death = unrequited love, undeath or coming back to life (like will does as well) is a sign of love that is actually returned

like i could go on but ANYWAY, this all in mind, the fact that jack and barbossa then are both responsible for not only killing each other but that barbossa led the charge to bring jack back to life is crazy like?????? are we seeing this

I really really like this anon!! I might personally not go so far as to say they're synonymous but I'd absolutely agree that they go hand in hand, like it's sort of hard at least for me to draw direct symbolic parallels but so much of the death we see is definitely tied super closely to love just like you say!! the elizabeth thing is like an observed phenomenon and I esp find it interesting that the captain of the dutchman curse has this strong connection to love where I'd argue love is sirt of what's supposed to keep the captain tied to the mortal world in a sense?? also really neat that barbossa's curse has the "I feel nothing" aspect to it in combination with the unable to die, as well as love and death having a certain connection in media like historically there's really so much to be done with this concept so I'd love to hear more from you regarding it!! I like just woke up so sorry for rambling but anon you say you're no good w media analysis and I just wanna take this moment to say that a) you obviously have a sense for it and b) this is how you get better at it like do exactly this find a reoccurring motif and inspect it, see where it leads you!! I really value media literacy and I'd argue it's definitely a learned skill so I just wanna like encourage you and anyone who reads this who might find analysis a bit daunting to give it a shot. I think potc especially is really good as a starting point if you wanna get into it because it's not The most complex thing in the world like it's still a kids movie but it does have a lot of stuff going on without it being like overwhelming I guess the word is???

[biletdoux]

stages of love | j.jh

Pairing | jung jaehyun (nct) + female!reader Rating | M Genre + Tropes | college!au, romance (angst, fluff, smut) Warnings | explicit language, alcohol consumption, instant love?, sexual content (drunk sex, receiving and giving oral, penetration, cow girl position, nipple play), greyzone fidelity Length | 15k+

Summary | A playlist for the trials and tribulations of a beating heart

(Or; your relationship with Jung Jaehyun in ten songs.)

Note: ahhhhhhh!!!! we finally did it boisssss. this fic has been a long time coming and honestly im sick and tired of jaehyun. i’ve spent too long thinking about him for this fic smh. this is also my first time writing smut so we’ll see how that goes lmao. anyway this was a long labor of love so please let me know what you thought of it !!! <333

1. Peach by IU

smitten at first sight.

“How can I explain this feeling?”

“Alright, I think that sums up about everything we need to cover for today’s lecture. Remember, most of this will be on your final exam. Any questions before you’re all dismissed?” 

Your professor looks up from the board, scans the room and all he sees are most of the students waiting with bated breath, itching to leave the class, and half of those students having already packed their belongings in anticipation. He held them back an extra twenty five minutes today, which is notably longer than previous lectures in which he delayed dismissal.

“Okay, you’re free to go. Chapters nineteen and twenty are due the next time we meet.”

You breathe out a sigh of relief, ready to head out with the rest of the class. You like Professor Jang and find that he makes history somewhat digestible, but he has a tendency to lose track of time, which is inconvenient, but more so today since you have agreed to meet up with Yeri. You glance at your phone to see text notifications and curse to yourself. You’re already ten minutes late and Yeri is many things and impatient is one of them. 

You’re one of the first out of the small lecture hall and you shoot her a quick reply before making your way to the oncampus cafe. Through quickened strides and shortcuts engrained from cross-campus treks from class to class, you arrive in record time. You’re slightly out of breath and impressed by your speed, but you stop, frozen in your tracks when you see Yeri’s displeased face. You find her situated in a small, but cozy corner next to the windows, already unpacked with notebooks and papers strewn on the desk ready to review for exams. It's one of the best study spots in the cafe and you immediately know your best friend had to come extra early to nab such a sought after table. 

“About time,” she scowls, “what took you so long?”

You shoot her an apologetic look, “aww, Yeri,” you pout your lips a little too dramatically, “I’m sorry. I just came from history and you know how Professor Jang is.” 

Yeri looks at your jutted lips in disgust, but then her face softens in consideration. “Hm, I do know Jang.” She scrunches up her nose remembering her time in his class last semester. “That old man can talk for days on end and he never lets anyone leave class early. I guess I’ll let you go this time.” 

You beam at her knowing she’s no longer angry for your tardiness. “Great, drinks are on me today. It’s the least I can do for being late.” Yeri forgives as easily and as quickly as she loses her temper. You learned this after a few weeks of being her roommate. 

Yeri says nothing in silent agreement and you place your stuff down across the table next to the chair she reserves for you. You pull out your wallet and weave through the packed cafe to head to the order counter. The line is long and you patiently review the menu. Your roommate has consistent tastes and always orders a vanilla frappuccino regardless of which cafe she goes to, but you base your decision on your mood. You mull over your choices and by the time you reach the barista taking your order, you decide you’re in an ‘iced Americano’ kind of mood today. You have exams on top of exams you need to review for and a stronger caffeine kick is much needed.

After paying, you head back to the table with two drinks in tow. Yeri takes her drink and after you both take a few sips and catch up for the day, you dive straight to work. The two of you decide to review for statistics. 

Between re-summarizing chapters and answering review questions, you muse to yourself about how your college experience thus far hasn't been that much different from your high school life. You didn’t necessarily hate high school, per say, but it was safe to say you didn’t enjoy it. Your heart was in the arts, specifically music, and you had found studying the core subjects to be boring and tedious. You remember being ecstatic to have been accepted and enrolled in a performing arts college, foolishly thinking your days of solving differential equations and memorizing chemical formulas were over. You specifically remember daydreaming of your hours being filled with keyboard practice and composition notes and only such things. Somehow the reality of mandatory general education courses slipped your mind when you constructed such fantasies.

Despite frivolous and preconceived notions of college, you have already survived a semester and you are nearly through your second. 

“Hey, do you remember when this stats assignment is due?” Yeri’s inquiring voice snaps you out of your brief reverie and you search your cluttered brain for a date.

“Uh, I think it’s due, like, a few days before the final, but I’d have to double check.” 

Yeri nods. “Alright, well let’s take a small break. We have some time till then, we don’t have to finish all of it today.” 

You happily agree and set down your pen. Yeri takes a sip of her frappuccino and you lean over the table to get closer to her. “Anyway, did you hear about what happened with Jiwon and Youngjae from the entertainment management department?”

Her eyes glisten with wicked interest. “No. Do tell.”

Break time is always synonymous with gossip hour between you and Yeri. 

You spend the next fifteen minutes dishing what you know and Yeri offers her own input whenever she feels fit. 

“And they think they’re being discreet, but the whole dorm knows they’ve been sneaking around, but guess wha─” Before you can finish your sentence, you are cut off by a loud and energetic voice calling out Yeri’s name.

The two of you look up to see a slim and boyish brunet waving to Yeri and excitedly making his way to your table. He looks vaguely familiar, but you can’t quite place your finger on it, so you let it go.

He smiles happily at Yeri and greets her. “Hey Yeri, how’s it going?” He notices you there and gives you a polite wave, which you return in the same manner.

Yeri replies back breezily, but with her full attention. “Good. Did you need anything, Mark?” 

He flushes just the slightest bit, but it doesn’t escape your eyes. “Erm, nothing I just wanted to remind you that we’re meeting for the music theory project tomorrow at four. I would’ve texted, but I forgot to get your number in class, and I saw you here and thought it was a good opportunity to tell you.” 

Yeri’s eyes widen, “ah right! I completely forgot about it. It’s a good thing you found me here today, huh? Here, I’ll give you my number.”

She reaches her hand out her hand expectantly, and Mark is confused before scrambling to pull out his phone. You can tell Mark looks flustered while Yeri is calmly putting in her contact information. After finishing, she hands his phone back, “okay, all set. Just shoot me a text so I have your number as well. Thanks for reminding me today or I probably would’ve forgotten and not have shown up or something.” 

Mark smiles again, this time a little more sure than before. “All good. I’ll see you tomorrow, Yeri.” 

They wave goodbye and you watch Mark scamper from the cafe. Your eyes follow him, but Yeri is already focused on you again, paying Mark’s retreating form no mind. 

“So…” you start.

“So?” She returns.

“He’s cute.”

“Yeah, maybe,” she shrugged. “I barely know him though. We have music theory together, but this is the first time we’ve talked all semester and we’re only talking because we got paired up for a project.”

Yeri seems apathetic and you study her closely. You notice she’s acting a little too stiffly carefree to be truly indifferent to the situation. You can’t help, but to tease her a bit. “Well, make the most out of this project then.”

Yeri gives you a hard look and you decide to let it go despite finding your best friend’s situation to be amusing. 

“Anyway, keep telling me about Jiwon and Youngjae. You never finished.” Yeri changes the topic, knowing that you might decide to pester her again if she doesn’t.

“As I was saying,” you started up again. A figure outside catches your attention and you peer outside through the window past Yeri’s shoulders. You realize it’s Mark and you watch with interest as he gestures excitedly, pointing to something in his hand, you assume his phone, to some of his friends. From there your eyes wander absentmindedly from one person to the next, and it’s when you see him. 

The reaction is almost instantaneous. 

“Like you were saying?” Yeri urges, but her words fall on deaf ears, for all your attention is captured by the boy next to Mark with heart-shaped lips.

When you see said boy laugh, you notice he has moon for eyes and you unconsciously suck in a sharp breath. You must have been staring too intently without noticing because he turns his head in your direction and you two hold direct eye contact. Like a deer caught in headlights, you freeze and lose all rational thought. Your head is completely blank. You have never seen someone so beautiful and your mind does not know how to process any sensory information at the moment.

Someone calls the boy away and the entire group of friends leave. It’s only then do you find yourself releasing a breath you didn’t know you had been holding onto so tightly. Your heart is pounding and you feel as though blood is rushing through your ears. 

“Hello?” Yeri sounds annoyed, but you struggle to find the words to answer her. 

You feel a sudden heat rush to color your cheeks a vibrant red and a feeling surges through you that leaves you out of breath and weak at the knees. A steady warmth washes over you quietly and you feel it deep within yourself and you can’t help but let out a small laugh.

How silly, you muse. Not to be dramatic, but you think you’re in love.

2. Shadow by f(x)

adoration from afar. 

“I’m really really into you.”

The next few weeks are packed to the brim with assignments and papers, but despite this, you still find time for your personal research into the boy who was with Mark that day. 

Being the obvious first and easiest option, you beg Yeri to ask Mark directly about his friend, but she immediately shoots you down. 

“No. Absolutely not. At least not anytime soon anyway,” she huffs. “I’ve barely held two full conversations with him, like hell the next is gonna be about his friend just cause my best friend started thirsting over him after one glance. I mean come on, girl.” She shakes her head at you. 

Yeri’s right and you apologize to her for being thoughtless of her situation. She doesn’t say it, but she seems really hopeful about the music theory project and what might bloom from it. You would not want to impede on such possibilities of happiness for your friend, so you let that option go, but Yeri promises to help in other ways and she does. 

Somehow between caffeine fueled cram sessions and sleep deprivation, you, with Yeri’s help manage to find out more about the boy. You casually ask around in your contemporary writing and production department and she offers help by searching her vocal performance department. 

You find out his name is Jung Jaehyun and he’s a third year in the musical theatre department and that he’s a member of the local chapter of the performing arts fraternity on campus. You also discover his Instagram handle and you find yourself skimming through his page throughout the day more often  than you’re willing to admit to any living soul. 

You occasionally see him around campus since you first saw him at the cafe and each time, you can feel your heart hammer in your chest and you become so flustered to the point of your sympathetic nervous system activating. Unfortunately for you, your body unconsciously chooses flight each and every time at the sight of Jaehyun because you can always feel your knees go weak and your body lurch away to escape in any direction that isn’t Jaehyun’s. You kind of hate yourself each time you do, but you can’t help it. He’s just so pretty that it’s intimidating!

You try to think positive after the bouts of shame you experience after each escapade. 

Well there’s no way to embarrass yourself in front of him if you run away before having the chance to, right?

Even thinking about it now in the comfort of your bed, you can’t shake your self-consciousness and bury your face in a large pillow resting on your knees. Your cheeks are burning and you don’t know what to do. 

“Hey, why don’t you just talk to him, instead of moping all day and stalking his profile like a creep.” Yeri’s crisp words cut through your musings and you glance up to see her entering your shared room in the dorms.

“Shut up. It’s not like I have a benevolent match-making professor who happens to pair me up with my crush for an end-of-semester project.” You retort back before sighing dramatically, “I literally have no excuse to talk to him. We’re not in the same year or major. We don’t even have mutual friends. Unless, y’know, you and Mark hit it off, who knows.” 

Yeri sits down next to you on your small twin bed, resting her head on your shoulder while letting out an equally dramatic sigh, “yeah, well, Mark’s so dense, all the divine intervention in the world isn’t going to help me.” 

You let out snort, “what’s up with you two anyway?”

“Y’know, I could’ve sworn he was into me and I had a chance with him, but every time we meet up we literally only work on the project and nothing else. Every time I sort of tried to do something I get shot down. Like I told him I was kind of chilly today in the library, and he looks all thoughtful for a moment but all he ends up saying is ‘yeah, all the buildings on campus are always cold, huh? Good thing I always bring a jacket with me. You should bring one too next time, I don’t want you getting cold.’ And then he just turns back to the project like nothing. Can you believe him?” Yeri complains and you swear her annoyance is palpable. “And every time I text him to hangout, he thinks it’s to work on the project. I honestly can’t tell if he’s really that stupid or if he’s just not into me.” 

You laugh at her unfortunate, but undeniable state of love affairs. 

“Really? That bad? I remember him being all blushy when he asked for your number,” you recall. “And you should’ve seen how he looked when he showed off he got your number. Well that’s what it looked like anyway, I could be wrong.”

“Well, at least I’ll get a good grade though. Mark is nothing if not diligent and hard-working, with him being a double major and all.” Yeri sounds resigned however, she sighs again, this time more frustrated and you hear the determination in her voice. “Alright, after finals, for sure we’re gonna hit the clubs. We need to let loose, have some fun.”

You agree with her to appease her short temper, but deep down you feel disappointed. You feel sorry for your friend, having genuinely wanted Mark and her to work out, but a small and selfish part of you felt sorry for having no bridge to Jaehyun at all if it didn’t work out between Yeri and Mark. Looks like you were stranded now and you’d have to find a way to Jaehyun one way or another, but your line of help ends here.

Shaking away such negative thoughts, you think to yourself how soju bombs and dance floors don’t so bad after such an intense exam period after all. It will definitely take your mind off of things for sure.

And even though you say this to yourself, you know your mind will still be plagued with Jung Jaehyun no matter how much you try.

3. What Is Love by EXO-K

careful contemplation. 

“I can’t explain what I feel.”

“Mark, tell me you did not.” The disbelief in Johnny’s voice made the situation all the more hilarious and even Jaehyun, who’s the calmer of the two, couldn’t suppress the guffaw from escaping his lips. 

The tips of Mark’s ears flush a light pink and he tries to deliver a convincing argument, but all that comes out is a meek stammer, further driving Johnny up the wall.

When Mark came up to his and Johnny’s room asking for advice, Jaehyun had an idea of where it was going to lead, considering Mark’s clueless disposition and inexperienced track record, but Jaehyun had no idea it was going to be this bad. 

Mark, having developed a crush on a fellow vocal performance major in his music theory class, came to Johnny, his frat big, to spill his guts and ask for advice constantly. Being Johnny’s roommate, meant Jaehyun was also privy to all the details of Mark’s love life and he had no problem giving advice to the amusing first year student, which Mark appreciated because going to Johnny meant a clowning session before he could get any useful nuggets of information. 

When Mark’s music theory professor randomly assigned the two for the end of semester project, Mark was one part excited and two parts nervous, resulting in a frazzled mess. He has been going up to the second room on the right of the second floor of the frat house almost every other day to ask for advice since then. 

Johnny was thrilled when he initially heard of the project, already envisioning his little’s love prospects, stating something along the lines of “my little’s gonna get laid!” 

However, now looking at Johnny rubbing his temples in exasperation, Jaehyun can tell that his roommate’s initial enthusiasm has dissipated. 

Mark’s daily roadblock today consisted of his crush giving him the cold shoulder and being much more snappy than before in the project meet up earlier. Mark recalls Yeri’s anger toward him and racks his brain for an answer. Even Johnny and Jaehyun are stumped at the sudden behavior, assuming that things were going smoothly from Mark’s previous reports filled with clumsy, but endearing and ultimately positive signs. It’s only when Mark offhandedly mentions her so-called ‘strange’ comment about the temperature, does it become clear why Yeri’s attitude suddenly shifted so drastically.

“I mean, I don’t know what I did wrong.” Mark’s second attempt to defend himself has Johnny flaring his nostrils in indignation and Jaehyun has to turn away in an attempt to stifle his laughter.

“Dude, she’s so into you. Or, at least she was, I don’t know about it anymore.” Johnny starts after calming down. “She left herself wide open for you to take a clear shot and you effectively said to her face, ‘thanks but no thanks’ and then walked away. No wonder she’s pissed, I’d be pissed too.” 

“Well, what was I supposed to do then?” Mark counters. 

“Mark,” Johnny begins, his tone dry and coarse, “you’re killing me.”

Jaehyun deems this the perfect time to step in, the laughter about done coursing through his system at this point. He clears his throat before offering his input, “It’s not too, too bad. Johnny’s just being dramatic. If she likes you enough, she’ll probably forgive you if you play your cards right from here on out.” 

Mark perks up, his attention solely on Jaehyun. 

Jaehyun hums absentmindedly to himself, gathering and organizing his thoughts to properly explain exactly where and how Mark went wrong and what to do moving forward. When Jaehyun opens his mouth to speak, Mark is glued on to every word and Jaehyun can see the gears in his brain whirring at high speeds. 

By the time Jaehyun is done, Johnny has calmed down and Mark nods his head fervently in understanding. 

“Ah, that makes so much sense now! I got it now.” 

Despite his assurances, both Johnny and Jaehyun know Mark will be back soon. 

“Alright little, listen up,” Johnny starts. “Here’s the game plan from here on out.” 

Johnny goes off on a sermon, determined to help his little ‘get some’ as Johnny so delicately puts it. Jaehyun can see it’s not the most tasteful of word choice for Mark to hear, but the youngest says nothing. 

Lounging lazily in the bean bag on his side of the room, Jaehyun knocks his head back and thinks of a few weeks back when he accompanied Mark and some other frat members to the rec center for some basketball. Jaehyun remembers Mark was bemoaning the fact he forgot to ask for some girl’s number and it was as if a higher entity heard the boy’s laments and felt especially gracious, because right as they were passing the cafe, Mark stopped in his tracks and suddenly ran off into the busy building. 

The group of frat boys watched him excitedly weave his way through the crowd of bodies and occupied tables to reach a table with two girls. When they saw the girl putting her number into Mark’s phone, Johnny elbowed Jaehyun, and like a proud parent Johnny exaggeratedly acknowledged his little. “They grow up so fast, don’t they, Jaehyun.” Johnny even wiped an imaginary tear from his eye to really send the message home.

It was only a few moments later and Mark came bounding out of the cafe, eager to show everyone how lucky it was that he happened to see her. “I mean what are the odds, right?” the said boy exclaimed so happily, his cheer so infectious, Jaehyun couldn’t help himself from letting out a laugh of his own. 

Jaehyun turned to give Mark an encouraging pat on the back and it’s when he notices a pair of eyes on him. He turns fully to come in the direct line of sight of a girl whose eyes, Jaehyun imagined to have been very warm, had they not been burning holes into him. Her intense gaze slightly unnerved him, but not to the point of pulling away. He found himself entranced and the only thing that broke the quick spell was Johnny’s voice, calling him to move it along. 

Jaehyun recalls easily breaking eye contact and giving little thought to the strange girl with fire for eyes, but as the days passed, Jaehyun couldn’t shake the thought of her from his mind. 

Even now in the comfort of his room and with Johnny and Mark not even a foot away, carefully planning Mark’s love endeavors, all Jaehyun’s mind can really focus on is the thought of you. 

Jaehyun is sure he’s only looked at you for less than a minute, but somehow he’s able to clearly trace out the image of you that day, like a perfect snapshot. 

“Yo Jaehyun,” Johnny calls. “You good? You’ve been spacing out, bro.”

“Yeah, I’m good.” Jaehyun answers offhandedly, before contemplating to himself. Was he good? Jaehyun wouldn’t necessarily say he’s bad in any way, but it isn’t normal for him to have the thought of a girl remain so clearly engraved in his mind for so long, and even less common for it to actually be a girl he doesn’t even know nonetheless. It’s not a pressing issue, but it does bother him. He weighs over the next steps in his mind. 

“Alright, just making sure.”

With one last thought, Jaehyun concludes to himself that it’s time to tackle his concern at hand head-on. 

“Actually,” he starts, “Mark, do you remember the girl next to Yeri the day you asked for her number?” 

Mark quirks his head in thought and Jaehyun can see Johnny raise his eyebrows in sudden interest. 

“Uh kinda,” Mark answers. “I think she’s a CWP major. I’m pretty sure we shared an arranging class last semester, but like, I don’t know her personally or anything; it was a large lecture. To be honest, I don’t even think she recognized me at all, judging from her reaction that day. Why, what’s up?”

Jaehyun nods, absorbing the information, giving Johnny ample time to fire away. 

“Yeah Jaehyun,” Jaehyun can visualize the glint in Johnny’s eyes just from hearing his mischievous tone. “What is up? I haven’t seen you ask about a girl in a hot minute. Thought you suddenly went abstinent without telling me or something.”

Jaehyun isn’t quite sure how to reply. Without a doubt you were cute to Jaehyun and he wouldn’t be opposed for things to happen between the two of you, but he doesn’t even know you! Well, not that it’s been a problem for Jaehyun in the past, but your lingering presence bothers him in ways he cannot communicate. Why is that the thought of you won’t leave him and why does it bother him so much?

Jaehyun decides to be straightforward, as straightforward as his muddled brain allows him to be. “She’s cute. I wanna get to know her.” 

“Okay, Jaehyun.” Johnny whoops obnoxiously. “I see you.” 

Mark is surprised and suddenly Johnny is all fired up again. Abruptly, Johnny shoots up and the determination that burns in his eyes is admirable. 

“I’ve got it!” He declares proudly. 

Jaehyun and Mark are quiet, waiting patiently for him to continue. They say nothing, knowing there is not a thing that can reach him when Johnny gets like this. 

“We’re throwing a party and you bet your ass your two girls are gonna be there.”

4. Heaven by Ailee

walking on Cloud 9. 

“When I hear your voice, it feels like I’m dreaming.”

You look up at the two-story house before you and wonder how you got here. Actually, you don’t wonder at all because you know exactly how you ended up at the steps of the local performing arts fraternity at your college, but you sigh regardless, as if someone had weaseled you into being here. Your nerves gnaw at you and you feel your stomach doing all types of aerobic tricks, the feeling reminiscent of the sensation before the roller coaster drops. 

Yeri grabs your hand and pulls you excitedly to the front door. You can feel the thrum of music emanating from the building.  

You recall how Yeri almost jumped you to tell the good news.��

Finals flew by without any major hitches, ignoring sleepless nights and caffeine crashes. You don’t know how you’ll do, but you’re satisfied with your exam performances. You were in the clear and were just waiting for Yeri to present her joint music theory project before the both of you could finally let loose as a celebration to end the school year. 

You waited for her outside of the classroom building as promised, playing with your phone to past time until you were suddenly engulfed by a delighted pair of arms. Yeri hugged you tight; she was in high spirits, seemingly from acing her presentation and you hugged her back in congratulations. She pulled at you closer and whispered in your ears, “just say yes.” 

You were confused, but looked up to see Mark headed toward the two you. Yeri released you, leaving one arm still slung casually over your shoulder.

“Hey guys. My frat’s throwing a party tonight to celebrate finishing exams. I was wondering if, uh, you guys wanted to come? I mean you don’t have to, it’s totally optional.” 

You didn’t say anything at first and Yeri interjected, “Of course!” She smiled at you innocently despite harshly pinching you to respond, her action hidden from Mark’s sight. “We’d love to, right?”

“Uh,” you answered distractedly. “Y-yeah, sure.” 

“Great.” Mark beamed. “Party starts at eight. I gotta go help set up, so I’ll see ya there!” 

And with that, he left as soon as he arrived and you looked at Yeri questioningly for answers. “I thought we were hitting downtown tonight. What happened to club hopping?” 

Yeri smiled devilishly, “change of plans. I’ll tell you more about it later. The most important thing is finding the perfect outfit for you tonight, cause Jaehyun’s gonna be there.” 

And so, here you find yourself dressed in high-waisted shorts and a cute top that took an embarrassingly long time to decide on. You are greeted by the fraternity president at the door of the house, Taeyong you think his name is, and he gives you two a quick verbal tour of the place, really emphasizing where to get drinks. Yeri thanks him for the both of you and you enter the crowded house. You think at least half of the performing art majors must’ve been here judging by the sheer volume of packed bodies. 

You remember Yeri explaining how she and Mark may have been making a breakthrough and this party was imperative for its success. You were completely okay attending for that reason alone, because after all, what kind of person sends her best friend to a frat party alone? However, your resolve to go was set in stone after she explained that the frat that was throwing the party just happened to be the same frat Jaehyun was a member of. 

“And y’know, seeing as how you’ve been obsessing over him the past few weeks, it’s the perfect opportunity.” 

You frown remembering her words and make your way to the kitchen with Yeri in tow. Various beverages, alcoholic and non-alcoholic, crowd the table and you recognize the guy standing nearby idly chatting with others. It’s Jaemin, an acting major in your history lecture with whom you frequently exchange notes with when either one of you decides to flake for the day. You vaguely recall him mentioning his fraternity association, but didn’t realize it happened to be this one. He sees the two of you approaching the drink table and he smiles widely.

“Oh hey, what’s up?” Jaemin greets casually. “Didn’t expect to see you here. How’d you think you did in the history final?” 

You groan. “I don’t even want to talk about it. What’s important is that we’re finished and I won’t ever have to think about the WWII timeline for, hopefully, forever.”

“Amen,” Jaemin laughs. “I’ll drink to that.” He raises up his red solo cup to cheers, before realizing both you and Yeri had nothing to drink. 

“Oh shit, I’m a pretty bad host, huh? First thing I should've done was get you two something to drink.” He chides himself, but his tone is playful. “What can I get for you, ladies?”

Before you can think about what you want, Yeri cuts you off, her tone matching Jaemin’s. “How about some shots to start off and we’ll forgive the lack of hospitality.”

Jaemin laughs again. “Alright, I like it.” His hands are adept at weaving around the table and finding the paper shot cups and the vodka. “Svedka’s okay, right?” 

“We’re not picky.” You and Yeri agree. You take the shot in one gulp and the unpleasant burning in your throat makes you wince. 

“Can I get you two anything else?” 

“Yeah,” you say. “I think another shot and then a mixed drink. Anything’s fine, but preferably on the stronger side.” You look over at Yeri and she nods in agreement.

“Coming right up.” Jaemin agrees easily. 

He pours the two of you another shot and you think he must be a generous guy because the shot is overflowing. You and Yeri cheer once more while Jaemin gets to work mixing a cherry bourbon with some Coke. He tops off the drinks with some ice before handing it over to the both of you. “Here they are. Enjoy, ladies.”

You thank him and take a sip before excusing yourself to make your way around the party. The drink is sweet and the smoky aftertaste of the bourbon gives it a pleasant edge. You and Yeri are attached to the hip as you drift from one part to another around the party, making easy going small talk along the way. You are sufficiently buzzed by this point and feel much lighter as though the party was somehow two degrees removed from your senses. You look over to check on Yeri and she’s noticeably drunker than you are, giggling about the simplest of things and slurring her words just the slightest bit. You make a mental note to ease the drinking, wanting to be sober enough to look after her in case anything were to arise. 

The two of you are at the base of the stairs when you hear Mark’s voice calling Yeri’s name. You turn your attention upward to see him ambling down the stairs with excited fervor. His cheeks are flushed, more so than usual around Yeri, and you can tell it’s due to alcohol because Mark is holding her hands and you know he can never be so bold without the help of liquid courage. 

“Yo Mark, slow down there.” A voice calls out and you look up again and you feel your breath caught in your throat. 

There in front of your eyes is Jung Jaehyun in the flesh. He looks heavenly dressed in simple jeans and a white tee. You unconsciously swallow the lump in your throat and your heart beat gallops a mile a minute in your chest. Your mouth goes dry and you mindlessly gulp down swigs of your drink. You know Yeri would’ve sniggered at your current state had she not been so tipsy and completely preoccupied with Mark. 

Jaehyun catches up to Mark and when he reaches the base of the stairs, he notices the two of you.

“Oh Jaehyun, lemme introduce you guys.” 

As promised, Mark introduces everyone quickly and Jaehyun shoots a smile that seems to be aimed at you. “Nice to meet everyone.” 

“Cool, now that everyone knows each other,” Mark starts. “Yeri, can I show you something?” 

“Uh, y-yeah.” 

You give Yeri a hard look and she takes your hand to squeeze it in reassurance. She looks at you pleadingly and there’s a confidence in her eyes that you can’t argue with. You relent and let her go. 

Mark takes her by the hand and leads her up the stairs while you watch, slightly worried. 

Jaehyun seems to have sensed your apprehension because the words that leave his mouth snaps you out of your perturbed state. “Don’t worry. Mark’s a good kid, you have nothing to worry about. You have my word on it.” 

And suddenly the situation dawns on you. The boy of your recent all-consuming infatuation stands here before you, and it’s just the two of you alone. Any social skills you have, leave you and you’re unsure of what to do. 

Jaehyun notices the awkward tension in the air and works quickly to dispel it. “Your drink’s looking low. Can I get you something else?” 

You look down to your drink to see that he was right. Only a few sips remain. You didn’t realize you had drank so much at the sight of Jaehyun. 

“Um, some water would be good. I don’t want to be too hungover tomorrow.” You answer shyly. You also need to be sober enough to look after Yeri, but you decide to leave that out.

Jaehyun chuckles, “sure thing. Here, come with me. I’ll get you some water.”

Jaehyun leads you to the kitchen with ease, seamlessly weaving through the crowds of people. Every group of people he passes greets him loudly to be heard of the pounding bass of the music. You are not surprised to see how popular he is. 

Once in the kitchen, he grabs you a bottle of water and a beer for himself from the fridge and you thank him. The cold water is refreshing, but it does little to cool your nerves. The awkward tension is high and still ever present. You feel as though you’re drowning in it and you also feel like running away from here despite this being what you’ve wanted for more than anything for weeks on end. 

“So,” Jaehyun starts, clearing his throat. “Mark told me you’re a CWP major?” 

“Uh, y-yeah, actually.” You hate how you’re so flustered around him. “How’d he know? Did Yeri tell him or something?” 

“He said you guys shared an arranging class last semester.” Jaehyun recalls.

“Wait, really? I had no idea.” You start going off on how you could’ve missed such a thing and Jaehyun smiles. You’re much more comfortable when a rhythm has been established and the words flow out of you easily. You’re not as relaxed as where Jaehyun wants you to be, but he thinks it’s a good start. 

You continue with small talk from there, much less uptight than before and you feel glad. Jaehyun is as radiant in person as he is in your imagination. You find him to be very kind and your heart flutters even more. Jaehyun mentions he’s a musical theatre major and you do your best to act surprised despite it being one of the only things you know about him prior to this moment.

Before he gets a chance to tell you more about himself, a tall boy with long limbs calls out to Jaehyun that it’s his turn to join the next game of beer pong. Jaehyun looks reluctant to leave and you don’t want him to leave either, but you’d hate to hold him back from prior engagements. 

“Would you,” Jaehyun licks his lips in consideration, “like to play with me? I don’t have a partner.” 

You nod your head and readily agree, eager to spend more time with him.

You’ve only played beer pong a handful of times and being around Jaehyun makes you nervous, so you miss the first few shots. You feel embarrassed, but Jaehyun is patient and assures you that it’s no problem at all. His little words of encouragement mixed with the beer you drink helps melt your tension, and halfway through the game, you’re whooping and hollering with everyone watching the game. 

You high-five Jaehyun without a second thought after nailing a perfect shot and Jaehyun smiles even wider. The two of you are leading when Taeyong comes in to kick everyone out. 

“Sorry guys, party’s over.” 

Groans of complaints could be heard throughout the crowd, but Taeyong’s words are firm and he ushers everyone to leave. He has a few other frat members behind him helping out. He reaches the beer pong table and pulls Jaehyun aside. After a few exchanged words, Jaehyun nods in agreement and ends the game completely, apologizing to his opponents. 

You’re confused, so you carefully ask Jaehyun what’s going on. He sees you and his gaze softens, he quietly explains, “apparently, the campus police have received multiple noise complaints and since the fraternity already has a strike, Taeyong doesn’t really want to risk another. “

“Ah, I see.” You nod. You’re saddened by the turn of events, having finally eased into a relative comfort around Jaehyun and you yearn for more. “Well, I better go look for Yeri then.” 

This is a goodbye and you’re unsure of what else to say to him, your disappointment mixes with alcohol making you feel even more miserable. You want to ask for more, but can’t find the words to reach him. Luckily, Jaehyun does it for you. 

“Are you free sometime this week?” He asks. “I feel like we didn’t get a chance to really talk and I’d like to.” 

Your heart hammers and the blood rushes in your ears, but you still find yourself uttering a mousy agreement.

“Great,” his smile is dazzling and you feel dizzy. “It’s a date then.”

5. 24 Hours by Sunmi

rushed minutes. 

“Time goes by so quickly.”

“Hey,” a distant voice calls out and Jaehyun looks up from his phone to see your approaching figure. Your cheeks are rosy from the summer sun and stray pieces of your hair escape from your loosely styled updo. Jaehyun takes all of you in with careful appreciation.

“Hey yourself.” Jaehyun chuckles, slipping his phone casually in his pocket and standing up straighter to greet you properly.

Jaehyun sees the red of your face flush brighter, the soft color bleeding across your cheeks and onto your nose. Cute, he thinks. He watches as you tighten your grip on your clutch, knuckles white with nervous tension, in an attempt to gather your composure and calm your nerves. You clear your throat, “I didn’t know you’d be here so soon. You should’ve texted me.” 

“It’s all good, I finished early.” Jaehyun notices you no longer stutter around him like the first night you two met. He’s glad the days and nights of sober texting after exchanging numbers at the party did wonders to make you feel comfortable around him. He’s not too worried about your current ‘first-date’ anxiety, knowing it’ll be dispelled soon enough. “Shall we?” He moves to open the door and the cool rush of air from the cafe greets the two of you. 

The cafe is quaint and cozy, tucked away in a small corner of intersecting back streets and crowded buildings. Jaehyun discovered the little spot not too long ago and something, Jaehyun assumes his instincts, compelled him to take you to it for the first official date. It just felt right.

The two of you walk to the order counter and you take it all in. You can hear the quiet chatter of the cafe occupants mixed with the rattle of espresso machines being put to work. Your eyes scan over the decorations and several potted succulents hanging from the ceiling. It’s incredibly homey and you feel at ease. 

“Hiya, I can help the two of you whenever you guys are ready.” The barista is cheerful to a fault and Jaehyun watches you shoot her a grateful smile before your eyes move to the menu to decide on what to get. 

Jaehyun knows what he wants, so he waits patiently for you to decide, but seeing your eyebrows scrunch together in indecision, Jaehyun chuckles to himself. “I hear the iced lattes here are really good, particularly the caramel latte,” he offers. 

You perk up in surprise, but you recover quickly, “okay, that sounds good then. I was between that and the iced cocoa.”

“No problem, I’ll order then. Today’s on me.” Jaehyun says. 

Jaehyun walks up to the barista and quickly places the order. He reaches for his wallet after the barista recites the order, but he falters slightly when he sees your gaze glued to the cake display, particularly the crepe cake. 

“Can I get a slice of the chocolate crepe cake over there too?” 

“Of course! Here’s your new total,” she turns the touch screen display over to Jaehyun and he readily inserts his card to pay. When finished, Jaehyun turns back the screen and after a few taps from the barista, a receipt is printed and she hands him a buzzer. 

“Your order will be out shortly.” She informs him.

Jaehyun smiles and says a small ‘thank you’ in return before turning his attention to you. You look up to meet his eyes and you smile, “can we sit over there by the window?” 

You head to the little corner table first with Jaehyun steadily in tow. You sit at the chair that leaves your back to the window and Jaehyun is mesmerized by how the afternoon sunlight refracts through your silhouette. You’re glowing and Jaehyun swallows thickly. 

“So,” he starts. “What have you been up to?”

“Celebrating finishing my first year of college in one piece.” You laugh lightly. “I got by with passable grades, but other than that Yeri and I just finished moving into our new dorms. We’re no longer freshmen, so first year dorms are off limits. I’m gonna miss the convenient location.” You jokingly mope. 

Jaehyun laughs easily with you and before he gets a chance to reply, the buzzer goes off so he excuses himself to go pick up the order. 

A different barista places down a tray with your two drinks and a small slice of cheesecake with two dessert forks resting on some napkins. “Enjoy your order!” 

Jaehyun smiles in thanks and picks up the tray to bring it back to the table. He can’t wait to see the look on your face when you see the mille crepe cake and true to his expectations, your eyes light up at the sight of dessert. 

“Surprise.” He says. “I saw you looking at it earlier.” 

Jaehyun watches as you immediately grab a small fork and try a piece of the cake with unrestricted child-like excitement. Your eyes light up at the taste of the delicate layers of fresh whipped cream and thin crepes and the smile you shoot in his direction has Jaehyun’s heart beating a little faster than he’s willing to admit. 

“Thank you!” You look up at him. “It’s so good, you should definitely try a bite too.” 

“Yeah? I’ll try some then.” Jaehyun sits down and leans even closer to you over the table, his mouth open and expectant and his eyes staring straight into yours. 

You try your best to bite back the scarlet fighting to stain your cheeks as you cinch off a small section of the cake with your fork. Your hand falters just the slightest bit when delivering the small confection to his awaiting mouth, but you push through and feed him despite the embarrassment you feel. 

Jaehyun chews slowly and deliberately, taking his time to lick the stray whipped cream from the corner of his mouth. You lose the game of chicken, breaking eye contact first. 

“Yeah,” he agrees. “It’s good. We should definitely come back.” 

You let out a little awkward cough, desperate to ward off your cloud of emotions. “Uhm, yeah sure.”

Jaehyun has always thought you were cute, but he thinks you’re especially cute today. 

“Anyway,” you start. You want to change the topic because you don’t think you can survive this tension without your brain frying. “I feel like I’ve just seen you around recently. I should’ve run into you a long time ago since the performing arts college is so small.” 

“Oh,” Jaehyun is a little taken aback. “I used to be over at the East Campus. I was a business and administration major for two years before I switched over to musical theatre.”

“Wait really?” Your surprise erases any tension you felt earlier. “I had no idea.”

“Yeah,” he laughs. “It doesn’t really come up in conversation.” 

“Why’d you switch over? If you don’t mind me asking.” 

Jaehyun contemplates his reply for a second as takes a sip of his coffee. “Well, when I entered college, I didn’t really know what I wanted, so I just followed whatever my parents wanted me to do. I actually knew I liked musical theatre for the longest time, but it took time for me to build up the courage to switch. My parents weren’t happy with it at first and we fought for the longest time, but I think they’ve warmed up to it enough by now. I’ve never really talked about this though, I just tell people I transferred from a different college and the conversation just ends there I guess, but it’s really no big deal.”

“Thank you for telling me this, Jaehyun.” Your voice is sincere and Jaehyun believes you.

“What about you, hm?” Jaehyun returns. “Why CWP?” 

“I don’t really have one point that changed my life and helped me find my calling or whatever,” you ponder with a tilt of the head and the taste of cream dissolving in your mouth. “But ever since I was little, I always knew I was gonna end up doing something in music. I was never good at singing though, so vocal performance was out the door and I wasn’t that interested in classical instruments either, so that helped me narrow stuff down. Actually, what really helped me decide was during orientation, my group leader was a contemporary writing and production major and she told me all about it and I’ve been sold ever since. I really like it though, and have no intention of switching.”

“That’s good. Sometimes I wish I switched earlier.” Jaehyun muses. “I feel so behind sometimes. Most people in my class have already been in at least one musical and an internship, except for me. I think about it a lot, but I try not to let it get me so down.” 

“You shouldn’t feel that way!” You try your best to cheer him up, and Jaehyun appreciates it a lot more than he thought he would. “Everyone has their own pace, that’s what college is all about! Nothing is ever wasted time. You can think of your time as a business admin major as a way to help you make up your mind on your true passion. You told me you’ve always liked musical theatre, but I’ve bet without the time in business, you would’ve never known you liked it enough to pursue a career out of it.”

Jaehyun laughs at your earnesty. He thinks you’re a touch naive, but your words make him feel light. “You’re right. I can say for sure I wasn’t happy as a business major.”

“See? Nothing is ever wasted time if you can discover your true happiness out of it.” 

The two of you exchange easy chatter after that and between small bites of cake and sips of coffee, Jaehyun thinks you’ve become prettier and prettier.

“What was it like?” You ask absentmindedly.

“Hm? What was ‘what’ like?”

“Being a business and administration major.”

Jaehyun has to think about it. He recalls constantly dressing up for group presentations and boring lectures, but his mind wanders to his activities outside the classroom. He remembers the constant partying and the blur of faces that helped him keep his bed warm. He remembers brief flings and relationships cut short. He doesn’t want to think about those things when he’s next to you. “Uhm. It was okay, nothing special, but that reminds me–”

“Yeah?”

“Are you free next weekend?”

“I should be. Why, what’s up?”

“Great,” Jaehyun smiles while taking the last sip of his coffee. “I’m having a housewarming party at my new apartment. You should definitely be there.” 

--

The day of the long awaited housewarming party rolls up sooner than expected between settling into your new dorm with Yeri and the occasional small ‘get-togethers’ with Jaehyun. They’re actually dates if you're being honest, but you don’t want to put a title on anything in case he wasn’t on the same page as you. Being with Jaehyun made you giddy in more ways than one, but that means the anxiety that pools at the base of your stomach grows larger each day when the relationship between the two of you goes unnamed. You feel greedy when you desperately grasp at the shred of time you share with him, always unwillingly to let go.

“Are you ready?” Yeri’s voice breaks you out of your small reverie. Her hand is poised, ready to knock on the black door of Jaehyun’s apartment, waiting for you to gather your composure. Yeri is dressed to the nines in a cute skirt with a top to match. She wants to look good for her new boyfriend and you teased her endlessly for it when the two of you were getting ready.

“Mark’s one lucky guy.”

“Shut up. Worry about yourself.”

“All I do is love you, yet you’re so mean to me.”

Regardless of her harsh words toward you, she helped you toss your closet inside and out for the perfect outfit to woo Jaehyun, even if it meant showing up late to the party. 

The two of you leave your dorm twenty minutes later than you intended and it also didn’t help that Jaehyun’s apartment was difficult to find, tucked away in a small building between towering skyscrapers, but now is finally the moment of truth. 

“Yeah, I’m ready as I’ll ever be,” you mutter as you watch Yeri knock on the door. 

It takes a minute before the door creaks open and Jaehyun’s head pops out. His smile is radiant and you’re absolutely ensnared by the way his fringe falls over his forehead. 

“Hey, glad you two could make it.” Jaehyun opens the door wider to allow you and Yeri to enter. He greets Yeri with polite warmth while he wraps an arm over your shoulders. When Yeri heads in the apartment first with her back against the two of you, Jaehyun steals a quick peck to your temple and whispers, “you look pretty tonight.”

His touch is fleeting and he pulls back quickly, as if you imagined the whole thing, but his cheeky smile tells you that it really did happen. Your heart hammers and you force yourself to focus on the steady thrum of mellow R&B that reverberates throughout his apartment to calm yourself. You take his apartment in steady strides with your full attention. It’s sleek and modern with a few pops of his personality here and there in the form of trinkets decoration choices. 

“Hey!” Johnny calls over from the couch. He has a beer in hand, but he’s far from tipsy. Flanked on one side is Doyoung with another beer to match and on the other is Sicheng. Seulgi, the girl, who you assume is Sicheng’s significant other, by the way his arm is casually wrapped around her waist, is also there and she nods at you in greeting. You've come to know about all of them after hanging out with Jaehyun so much. “Did you guys get lost or something?” 

“Yeah,” Yeri replies as she moves to sit next to Mark who’s on the adjacent loveseat and resting a drink on the coffee table.  “Something like that.”  

She places a sweet kiss to the corner of Mark’s mouth in greeting and you swear you can hear him crooning at the attention. 

“Doesn’t matter, Johnny. The important thing is that they’re here now.” Jaehyun interjects. “Do you guys want anything to drink?”

“That’d be nice.” You hum.

Yeri laughs in agreement, “yeah, the two of us could never say no to a drink.”

“Alright, I’m on it.” Jaehyun calls while moving to the kitchen. “Any preferences?”

“No,” you say. “Surprise us.”

Jaehyun works to mix drinks and you take a seat on the floor next to the coffee table to observe the party. Perched on the shelf of a slender bookcase in the corner of his living room is a bluetooth speaker playing music, the rhythm quiet and bass steady as everyone chatters away once introductions are made on the sofas. You remember him offhandedly mentioning that he doesn’t want any noise complaints on his first week in the new place and it makes sense. Jaehyun’s housewarming party is a quiet affair that is far different from the wild party at the frat house in which you met him, but you think this vibe fits Jaehyun more.

Jaehyun returns shortly with two drinks in tow for you and Yeri and sits himself snugly next to you on the floor. He picks his idle beer from the coffee table and once Johnny realizes that everyone in the proximity has a drink in hand, he raises his voice and beer in a toast. “It sucks that Taeyong couldn’t make it tonight, but here’s to having fun without him. We’re gonna get twice as fucked up to make up for his absence, cheers!”

Everyone lets out a chuckle, but obliges to humor him anyway and joins to connect their drink to his in cheers. 

You pull your cup back and take a big gulp of the drink. It’s sweet and carbonated, but the sting of alcohol at your throat leaves you wincing just the slightest bit.

A few pleasantries are exchanged here and there, but it’s only then does Doyoung pull out a deck of cards with a devilish glint in his eyes that deceive his looks. 

“Ring of fire, anyone?”

--

After who knows how many rounds of ring of fire (and maybe a few other drinking games here and there) with too many drink refills for you to remember, you somehow find yourself splayed on the couch and leaning over Yeri’s shoulder in support. Seulgi is on the other side of you leaning on you for support, the same way you’re doing to Yeri, but you don’t mind it one bit. The three of you have grown surprisingly close with one another throughout the night.

Your mind is lucid enough to still be conscious and completely aware of where you are and what you’re doing, but the alcohol in your system eats away at the details in your memory. 

You vaguely recall ridiculous punishments that involved Johnny twerking on the dining room table and Mark taking a shot of Jack Daniels mixed with ketchup, and you can’t help but snicker to yourself. 

“I think we should get going now.” Sicheng is the first to speak as he moves to help Seulgi up. “It’s getting late.”

Doyoung looks a little groggy, but when he checks the time, he perks up immediately, “oh shit, you’re right. I need to get going too, I’ve got something in the morning.”

With that everyone shuffles to clean the remnants of the party with as much grace as they can muster while intoxicated, which wasn’t much, but in twenty minutes, Jaehyun is already walking half the party to the door in goodbye. Only you, Mark, and Yeri are left. 

“Hey Yeri,” Mark calls softly to Yeri as he brushes a strand of hair from her face. “Are you ready to go too?”

Yeri is still sprawled on the couch with you, but mumbles a small response. “Yeah, I should be. Give me a second.”

She turns over to you and nudges you just the slightest bit. “I’m gonna go back to Mark’s tonight, are you gonna be okay?”

“Yeah,” you assure her. “I’ll be fine, just go have fun.”

“She’s free to rest here until she’s ready to leave, don’t worry. I’ll call a cab for her when the time comes.” Jaehyun pipes up. 

Yeri gives you a look, but you squeeze her hand one last time to give her some peace of mind. “I’m a big girl, Yeri. I’ll be okay, promise. I’ll walk you to the door, Mark’s waiting.”

You give Yeri a tight hug in goodbye and you find your way back to the couch. The fact that you’re all alone in Jaehyun’s apartment doesn’t hit because of the remnants of alcohol in your system melts away your nerves. 

You’re pleasantly buzzed, lost in your own thoughts when Jaehyun comes up to you with a glass of water in hand. “Here, so you don’t feel as bad tomorrow morning.”

You accept it gratefully and take in big gulps, the water refreshing, but your skin feels hot. 

Jaehyun takes a seat next to you and the proximity makes your head spin. You turn to look at him, and he flashes you a smile.

“Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight?”

“You might’ve mentioned something.” You tease. “But I don’t mind hearing it again.”

“Well,” he hums. You’re not sure, but you think the distance between the two of you is decreasing. “You really do look stunning tonight.”

You flush at his words, but you look straight into his eyes. “You don’t look too bad yourself.”

“Yeah? I try to impress.” Jaehyun’s eyes are hooded and your throat goes dry. “Can I kiss you?”

You say nothing at first, his words not registering into your muddled brain, but when you feel his breath ghost over your lips, you don’t hesitate to close the gap between you. 

His lips are slightly chapped and you can taste the vodka on his breath, but to you it’s perfect. Jaehyun’s perfect.

Jaehyun kisses you with reserved passion and practiced expertise. His tongue sets the rhythm against yours and his roaming hands have you feeling as if you’ve been set ablaze. He pulls back just the tiniest bit and the intense longing for his touch that hits you is indescribable. 

You pull him back in your arms and your lips reconnect in a desperate fervor. Jaehyun adjusts his arms around you and the next you know, you’re in his embrace and he’s carrying you to his bedroom. He places you down gently, his bed is plush and comforter soft. 

Jaehyun’s touch is gentle as he gathers your face in his hands. He kisses you again and you wrap your arm around his neck to pull him closer. He pulls back and looks at you earnestly. “I don’t want to do anything you’re not comfortable with. We don’t have to do anything tonight.”

Everything’s moving so fast and you’re dizzy, but you don’t want whatever this is to stop. You want to be as close to Jaehyun as possible.

“No,” your voice is hoarse. “Don’t stop. I want you, Jaehyun.”

He kisses you again, this time unrestrained. His tongue is hot, but you can only savor it for a minute before he starts trailing kisses down your neck and tugging at your shirt. You let out a breathy moan in response to how his touches make you feel. 

Jaehyun reaches at your shorts and makes quick work at unbuttoning them. You help him remove the article of clothing and his slender fingers dart inside your panties. You’re slick to the touch and Jaehyun must be made of magic because you think you’re seeing stars. You unravel before him embarrassingly quick, but he kisses you at the base of your clavicle in sweet reassurance. 

Your chest is heaving, but you want more. You grab at Jaehyun’s shirt, urging him to take it off. The expanse of his abdomen is a sight to behold, but Jaehyun is cruel and doesn’t give you the time to take it in. He’s on top of you again, lips crashing onto yours once more. He reaches behind you to unclasp your bra and while he’s pre-occupied, you unbuckle his belt and steal a moment in his boxers. He feels thick and hot in your hands as you run your finger over the tip to feel a drop of pre-cum. He buckles just the slightest bit and it emboldens you. 

Jaehyun helps himself out of his jeans and you push him onto the bed wanting to be on top this time. He’s straining against his boxers and you want to help relieve the tension. When you pull off his boxers you can feel his inaudible groan. You stroke his length gingerly and look up to see him with hooded eyes look right back at you. 

This excites you so you take him in your mouth in a moment of unfiltered courage. Your tongue starts at the base before tracing your way up to his sensitive head. You tease him accordingly to his quiet grunts and groans and when you feel like he’s had enough, you take all of him in until his tip is hitting the back of your throat. You gag a bit, but push through.

“Fuck,” Jaehyun stutters out between stacatoed breaths. “Babe, you’re so good.”

You hum in pleasure at his praise and he grabs your hair. This goes on for a few more minutes before he reaches down to stop you. “Not that I don’t love this,” the look in your eyes nearly has him faltering his words, “but I don’t want to cum just yet.”

You relent with a slick pop and Jaehyun shifts over to rummage for a condom in his nightstand. You settle back down in his pillows. Jaehyun gives you a soft kiss on the lips before he enters you. 

“Tell me when it’s okay to move,” he whispers and you place a small kiss at the base of his neck. 

He starts off slow to let you acclimate to his size, but neither of you are very patient, so he ends up pounding into you a lot sooner than he anticipated and you find yourself getting caught up in the pleasure.

It feels like you’re dreaming, but if this was a dream, you never want to wake up.

6. Hush by Miss A

shh, no talking, just us.

“I can’t think straight.”

You and Jaehyun don’t become official until a few weeks later. 

He asks you one day when you’re naked and out of breath. You’ve gone one too many rounds with him and a thin layer of sweat coats your body as you lay on his heaving chest. You absentmindedly draw shapes on his skin and he gives you a chaste kiss to your temple.

“We should date.” He hums. “I think I’d make a good boyfriend.”

“Yeah?” You raise your eyebrow in teasing.

“Yeah,” he ascertains. “Give me a chance and I’ll show you.”  

“Hmm,” you pretend to think it over as if this wasn’t you’ve been hoping for since the first moment you laid eyes on him. “Okay. Let’s give it a try, boyfriend.”

Jaehyun laughs and you feel the world fall into its right place. “Alright, girlfriend.”

And the rest is history as they say. 

Jaehyun isn’t your first, but you experience many firsts with him. You’re not exactly inexperienced, but he really opens your eyes.

“Fuck,” he groans into your neck. His hands grip at your hips to help guide you along, but you’re fully in charge. “You’re doing so good, babe. Just like that.” 

You didn’t see yourself as someone who liked to take charge during sex, but after that one time Jaehyun asked you to top, you’ve never looked back since. 

You roll hips into him and at a pace you know drives Jaehyun wild and you pull him into a sloppy kiss. It’s all tongue and no grace, but you love it the same regardless. You capture his bottom lips between your teeth playfully before pushing him flat on his back until he’s firm against his plush mattress. You place a hand on his chest and the other on his thigh to balance yourself and Jaehyun immediately knows you’re close. 

A hand rests on your hip to steady you while the other snakes over to play with your clit to further stimulate you toward your climax. Jaehyun knows what you like and his timing is impeccable, so before you know it, both of you are reaching your highs together. You collapse on his chest and you allow yourself to stay in his warmth long enough to have your breaths synchronize before you extricate yourself from him to head to his bathroom. 

When you come back out, he’s disposed of the used condom and opens your arm wide for a hug, which you gladly indulge in.

Time stops when you’re in his arms.

--

On the surface, it looks like Jaehyun likes to mix it up. He seems like  an elusive guy with varied tastes, but the more time you spend with him, you realize he likes the control of seeing you unravel before him.

He likes the intimacy of missionary. 

The close proximity to your body has him looking into your eyes and leaving you feeling the most vulnerable of ways. He has full access to your neck, which he lovingly claims as his own and you chide him the next day when you see scattered purple blooms. Jaehyun changes his pace on a whim and you fall to his mercy. When he takes you fast and hard, you see stars, but when thrusts in you with languid leisure, he has you begging for more. 

He likes the intensity of taking from behind. 

When you’re on your knees with your ass in the air, he takes it as a guarantee to fuck you senseless. Your muffled moans makes his dick twitch and you swear you can feel him fuck into you even faster. Jaehyun always makes sure to wrap his arms around you to finger your clit until you go into sensory overload and he doesn’t stop pounding into you until there are tears in your eyes. He kisses each one away before taking your lips in his and you can taste the salt water on his tongue.

He likes the dominance from eating you out.

He laps at your core like a starved man and makes good use of his adept fingers until your head is spinning. Jaehyun makes it a habit to eat you out until you’re satisfied before he gets his turn. When your thighs are on either side of his head and your hands tangled in his hair, he swears he can stay there forever.

Above all, Jaehyun just likes you. He likes being with you and he definitely likes fucking you and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

--

“Mmmh,” you breathe out.

Your back is flush against Jaehyun’s back as you rock your hips back and forth on his dick. You grind your ass back even harder when he pinches your nipple between his fingers. 

He kisses your shoulder blade from behind and bucks his hip upward to meet you in the middle. 

The afternoon sunlight is streaming in from the gaps of his blinds and you want to take it nice and slow today. The television in front of you is playing a movie, but you’re too enraptured by the feeling of him filling you to the brim to pay it any mind. 

“I love it when you’re on top, babe.” he hums as he plays with your clit. 

You let out another breathy groan before you can find the composure to bite back at him. “What happened to no sex today, hmm? I thought we were just going to have innocent quality time together and watch a movie.”

Jaehyun must’ve not liked your sass, so he bucks up harder. He’s telling you to pick up the pace and you oblige. Before you know, you’re practically bouncing on his dick and you can feel your impending high about to crash down on you. He can sense it too and maintains his tempo. When you cum, Jaehyun rides on the tail of your climax in pursuit of his own. He cums shortly after with stuttering hips and a bite on your shoulder. He gathers you in his arms and runs his tongue soothingly over where he bit you and the various love bites that he’s littered on the expanse of your skin. 

“Just being with you is quality time in itself.” He says. “Besides, class is starting soon, so I won’t get to see you as much.”

7. Disturbance by BoA

a ripple on the surface.

“I didn’t know at first.”

“So I do have a roommate after all,” Yeri’s voice calls out and you turn over to see her standing by the doorway. You roll your eyes at her, but quickly turn back to gather your things. 

She lets out a chuckle, but you don’t miss the sour edge to her tone. “I thought I got a single dorm since it’s so empty all the time.”

“You say that, Yeri,” you retort. “But I know you’re over at Mark’s constantly so I don’t wanna hear it from you.”

“Yeah, but I make time to come back here and I always let you know when I’m going out. I feel like I’ve only seen you maybe once or twice the past few months. I feel like the only reason I see you these days is ‘cause of classes.”

“You’re just exaggerating, don’t be so dramatic. Come on, let’s go. I don’t want to be late.”

She looks displeased, but nothing leaves her lips as the two of you head out for the day.

--

It’s late. 

When night falls, shadows come out to play and your college campus is riddled with them. The school auditorium is situated in the far corner of the campus and the lamp lights of the main walkways do little, but you pay it little mind. Jaehyun should be getting out soon.

It takes another ten minutes to see him emerge from the double doors and you perk up immediately at the sight of him. He looks a little shocked to see you, but greets you with a warm hug and small peck regardless. 

“Hey,” his voice is small, almost reserved. “What are you doing here? I thought I told you I was finishing late tonight.”

“Oh, you did, but I still wanted to see you.” You explain, eyes bright and tone undeterred.

“Not that I don’t appreciate it,” he licks his lip. “But it’s really late and I still have more stuff I need to work on. I’ll see you some other time, okay?”

“Oh, okay.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry, babe. Next time.”

--

“Oh hey,” you smile, but Yeri’s fury is palpable and cuts through you.

“Don’t ‘oh hey’ me.” She spits out. “Where have you been? Why didn’t you answer your phone?”

Sheepish, you reply, “oh sorry. I forgot to fully charge it before leaving and Jaehyun and I have different phones, so I couldn’t charge it at his place.”

“You were at Jaehyun’s?” Yeri is glaring at you at this point and you feel a bit peeved. 

“Yeah. What of it?” 

Yeri’s been getting angry at you recently, losing her temper at the drop of a hat, and you can’t seem to pinpoint why. You’re getting tired of being her punching bag. 

“We made plans to go shop for Seulgi’s gift today. You promised you’d be there, don’t you remember?”

“Oh shit.” It completely slips from your mind and you open your mouth to apologize, but Yeri cuts you off before you get the chance.

“Forget it. I don’t want to hear it. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

Yeri turns to leave before you can say anything back.

8. Symptoms by SHINee

something’s wrong.

“The worse it gets, the more exhausted I get.”

Jaehyun feels off.

He can’t pinpoint exactly what he is that he’s feeling, but he thinks it’s reminiscent of his world being tilted by six degrees. It’s not immediately jarring and takes little time for his eyes to register, but he’ll occasionally bump his toe, signalling that this isn’t right. Things aren’t where they’re supposed to be. His head spins just the slightest bit and he feels woozy, but he doesn’t know why.

Jaehyun just feels off.

--

Jaehyun checks the bulletin board of his school auditorium almost religiously. 

Each time before and after class, he’ll swing by and peruse the flyers that hang from haphazardly stuck on pins. He ignores the tutoring offers and the part time jobs scams, his main focus is almost always on the center of the board where they post the upcoming musical theatre production and eventually, the cast list. 

This semester, the chosen production is La La Land and Jaehyun has been dead set on landing the role of Sebastian Wilder. He stays back extra late each day to practice the script and to work on his singing and annunciation. 

On the day of the audition, he’s sure he’s nailed it and thinks to himself the world must be ending if he weren’t to get the leading role. 

When he leaves the auditorium in a rush, excitement flows through his veins and he drinks in the night air as a toast of victory. He’s tipsy on his excitement and wants to laugh out loud, but in the corner of his vision, he sees you. Your eyes light up the sight up, outshining the moon and the stars, but your visage does not elicit the reaction he thinks it should. He expects his heart to swell and burst, but somehow he feels heavy. 

He pulls you in for a hug and a quick kiss to quell his weighted heart, but he thinks he’s starting to sink so he calls you off for the night. He’ll see you next time. 

Yeah, next time will be better.

--

You’re snuggled up close and personal on Jaehyun’s chest. Jaehyun notices you fill every nook and cranny of his being perfectly to a tee, and yet that feeling. It’s there again. 

Jaehyun feels off. 

You laugh at something one of the characters say and you cuddle harder into him. He feels heavy again and it makes his throat itch, so he swoops down and captures your lips.

It’s hard and fast to scrub away at his uneasiness and before he knows it, his clothes are missing, but so are yours. The foreplay is brief and almost impersonal, but he doesn’t care. He just needs to be inside you. 

When Jaehyun has you begging and writhing, he feels like the world is where it should be. No longer is he living at a slight angle when he’s buried to the hilt inside your warmth, so when he sees you, he does what he can to get you out of your pants. 

Today is no different from any other. 

After a satisfying session you roll on his chest. Your kiss is soft and sweet despite the sweat that covers both of your bodies. He hums quietly as he taps melodies on along your exposed spine.

“Jaehyun?”

“Yeah?”

“I think I love you.”

Ah. Jaehyun thinks he’s getting it now, why he’s feeling off.

Jaehyun thinks he’s being suffocated.

--

To the surprise of no one, and especially not to him, Jaehyun gets the leading role of Sebastian Wilder in La La Land. He was a shoe-in for it anyway and he made sure to put in the work to get it. 

His leading lady is someone by the name of Park Sooyoung, but at the first rehearsal she introduces herself as Joy.

“It’s nice to meet you.” She offers her hand out in a friendly greeting. “Here’s to a successful show together, Jaehyun.”

Her smile is blinding and he thinks Joy is a fitting name. He grasps her outstretched hand, grip firm and sure. 

“Yeah,” he smiles back. “Here’s to a good show together.”

--

Rehearsals span over blurred minutes and long hours. 

Jaehyun sees less and less of you and spends more and more time with her. 

During a quick water break, he scans his phone briefly to see a text notification from you. He takes another swig of water and returns to the rehearsal.

It’s okay, he can always text you back later.

9. Before U Go - TVXQ!

letting go.

“I will leave now.”

“Come on!” You tug both Mark and Yeri along excitedly. “I want to get good seats.”

Yeri rolls her eyes, but obliges anyway, pulling Mark along. It’s opening night for Jaehyun’s big musical and you wanted to be there no matter what to support him. Johnny, Doyoung, Taeyong, Sicheng, and Seulgi are already inside waiting and you’re not sure if they were able to save the three of you a spot. 

After a long chat with Yeri, you apologized profusely to her. You did get blinded by your relationship with him and prioritized him over everything, forgetting your friends and other responsibilities in the process. Yeri forgave you easily and helped keep you in line when you went to head over heels for Jaehyun. 

However, after patching things up with Yeri, you begin to notice a shift in your relationship with Jaehyun’s. You’re not quite sure how to describe it, but it almost feels like a distance almost. 

You chalk it up to his busy rehearsal schedule and choose not to dwell on the topic, in fears of your wandering imagination. It should be fine. After his musical is over, he’ll be less busy and things will fall back into place. 

Right?

“Over here!” Seulgi waves over excitedly. 

The auditorium is starting to fill up and you want to get comfortable before the show starts. 

Everyone greets each other in hushed tones and soon enough, the show starts. 

Right. Everything will be fine.

--

Jaehyun does amazing. 

Your eyes are trained on him the whole time and his singing has goosebumps pricking your skin. You can see the passion pour through him every time he’s on stage and you couldn’t be more proud. 

A nagging feeling at the pit of your stomach points out the undeniable chemistry between him and his co-star, but you push it deep down and suppress it. 

They’re actors, and they’re good at what they do. 

Yeah. They’re just acting. Yeah. Acting.

--

When the curtains close, you’re the first to shoot out of your seat, eager to meet him backstage. You weave through the endless crowd of people, murmuring your ‘sorry’s’ and ‘excuse me’s’ as you pass by. You reach the base of the backstage and shoot a message to let him know you’re waiting. You hum to yourself when you happen to overhear a conversation playing out. 

“You did so good, Jae.” 

“No, you definitely carried the show.” 

You turn up and you see them. Her eyes are almost soft and loving as she pulls your boyfriend in for a hug. They linger in the embrace longer than necessary and you clear your throat to catch his attention. 

He jolts just the slightest bit when he sees you and immediately lets her go. 

“Everyone’s waiting,” you say quietly. 

“Okay,” he nods. “Let me go get my stuff in the back.”

Jaehyun leaves the two of you alone and you wait for him to get back. 

When you leave, he waves goodbye to her and she smiles back.

--

Jaehyun’s celebration party is rowdy, but it’s to be expected when Johnny is the one hosting. 

He books a table at the local club and even orders bottle service. The eight of you work your way through two whole bottles of tequila and are already on your third. Jaehyun is downing the shots at a quicker pace than usual and you’re a bit concerned, but you’re unable to say anything because when you try, he whisks himself away to the dance floor and strikes up a conversation with someone else. 

You’re perturbed, but you say nothing. This is his celebration night and he can choose to enjoy it how he wishes. 

By the end of the night, Jaehyun is noticeably drunk and you haul him outside to get a breath of fresh air in hopes of sobering up. He’s heavy, but you make it out the side door. You prop him up on your side as you lean on the grimy brick walls. 

Months have passed and the weather is chilly. 

Jaehyun’s body sways and he murmurs something in your ear. You don’t catch it the first time, the overwhelming smell of tequila overtaking your senses. 

“What was that?”

He grumbles beneath his breath, steps staggering once more. He tries again, this time his words are crisp and clear and they cut into you in more ways than one. 

“I think we should end it.”

For someone so drunk, he sounds so sober.

You’re at a loss for words. A part of you knew this was coming from his lack of enthusiasm around you and his decreased texts. Even the cold night air couldn’t keep your heartbreak at bay. You say nothing, but you understand the both of you knew it was a silent agreement.

You breathe out wisps of chilled air as Jaehyun’s inebriated body stays slumped over on your side. 

--

You volunteer to take Jaehyun home.

You tuck him gently in bed making sure to prop him on his side in case he vomits during the night. You pour a glass of water and place an ibuprofen on his nightstand drawer for him in the morning. 

You kiss him on the forehead one last time. You hope it conveys all of the things brewing in your heart at the moment, but you know it doesn’t. 

Later, you leave his apartment with all of your belongings that you ever left there with the stars as your witness. 

You never return to his place again.

10. Coffee Shop by B.A.P

what could’ve been.

“So without knowing, like a habit, I came here.”

Jaehyun wakes up to an empty bed.

Morning sunlight streams through his blinds and burns at his skin as a sign to get ready for the day. He blinks the drowsiness from his system and stretches his weary joints before heading to the bathroom to get ready for the day. 

On his rare day offs, he allows his body to go on auto-pilot. He completely shuts his brain off and allows it to do whatever it chooses.

Today, it takes him back to the cafe. 

His body knows where it’s going before it registers in his mind. 

The barista manning the order counter is different, but the decorations are the same, still the same succulents hanging from the ceilings. He mulls over the menu and goes up to order.

“Can I get an iced caramel latte?” Jaehyun doesn’t have much of a sweet tooth, but he’s feeling nostalgic today. 

“Of course! Here’s your total.” 

He pays with a swipe of his card and the barista goes to work making his drink. He waits around by the counter and soon enough, his drink is ready. That particular table is empty, so he grabs a chair to sit. His first sip is overly saccharine, but he appreciates how the flavor mellows out by the end of it. 

It’s been nearly a year since that night. 

Jaehyun remembers waking up to a splitting headache and a dry mouth. He thought nothing of the prepared setup as he gulps the ibuprofen and the glass of water in one go. Nothing seemed amiss really until a few days later. 

No one mentioned your name around him and he caught Seulgi giving him a look every now and then. Mark didn’t say much either, but Jaehyun felt him drifting away.

He thought he’d feel a lot more, but he didn’t. One day you were a part of his life and then the next day you weren’t. It really was that simple.

He kept in contact with Joy even after La La Land was over and maybe they were something more, but it didn’t last longer than a few weeks. 

It didn’t feel right when he was with her. Again, something felt off, but a different kind of off.

Joy was the one to end things with him, but he didn’t mind too much. 

He filled his days with study and practice and it wasn’t until he landed a job at his local theatre company that he realized.

It was you. It was always you and perhaps it still is you. 

Maybe you were different. Maybe you were the one, but Jaehyun didn’t try.

He recalls feeling smothered. You were always there at the beginning, but he took that for granted. 

There are a lot of things he regrets, but above all, he regrets not talking with you. He regrets not trying to work on it. He regrets being a coward and running away at the first signs of true emotions. 

You weren’t perfect, but neither was he, but he should’ve stayed so the both of you could work it out together. Jaehyun always did take too long to find the courage to pursue what he wanted.

With a final sip, he finishes the drink and moves to throw it away. Then, he sees you. Here, in the flesh, in almost a year. 

Your hair is longer, but your cheeks are still as rosy as ever. You walk up to order and Jaehyun thinks it’s a sign. He moves to greet you, but the doors open again and in walk Yeri and Seulgi. He watches you greet them warmly with wide open arms. 

You always did give the best hugs.

Jaehyun watches the three of you chatter away and he feels acutely out of place in the little cafe. You look happy and he should move on. 

He throws his finished cup in the trash can and moves to exit through the side door, but he moves too slowly.

“Jaehyun, is that you?” You call out. He looks into your steady gaze and almost feels shy. 

“Yeah,” he’s quiet. “It’s been awhile.”

“It has,” you agree. “You look well.”

The smile you give him has him believing in second chances and maybe he’ll get it right this time.

Note: i am so sorry that the second part is a hot mess express smh… there were a lot of things i planned and intended that didn’t happen, but i’ll just take this as a learning experience and write and better story next time. thanks for taking the time to read this !! <3

masterlist.

[katsukavi]

I wanted to make this a full fanfiction on my wattpad, but I didn’t want to disappoint everyone with the super slow updates (like my scumlord lol) so.. here’s crap I pulled out of my notes called arise, undead (“pretty obsessed” sung jin-woo x male, zombie reader) I also really like the options I have in tumblr lol. I’m a little embarrassed to add tags because I’m not sure if people will like it and stuff.. But yeah! This is the book cover I made for it here too! :D

Im having too much fun with these new stuff~ (please excuse me. this is my first long post and i love everything here—)

(spoilers)

The plot is that Jin-Woo finds an undead in the woods, tries to arise him and it does work. Now they fight together because the zombie has no memories and is literally immortal (yet dead). Near the end, they discover that MC was murdered and his body was buried in the woods yada yada. Then when Jin-Woo goes back, he has to save him. But, he has to save MC as a 15 year old while MC is a 27 year old..

(I planned that part out and I think it’s a little funny how suddenly a kid approaches you like “You’re going to die if you go somewhere. Come with me, I’m your lover from the future.”

“Ah, it’s a chuunibyou.. Sorry kid, but I need to go to work—“

“No.”

‘Alive or not, MC still looks like a zombie.. Why are you so overworked?!’)

IT WAS SUNG JIN-WOO’S FIRST TIME using his new job skills, so naturally he’d get excited in testing every single little thing about it. He just exited the purple hued portal behind him, feeling like he acquired an interesting new toy to play with. Even though he was tired from the lack of sleep, his joy kept him from passing out.

Either it was that, or the rain pouring over his head. All his excitement flushed into disappointment as his shoes got muddy from the damp forest foor and his clothes getting completely soaked in rainwater. It would be impossible to pass out with the loud thunder rumbling in the background.

He cursed with every step on his path, finding it hard to walk with the slippery and uneven soil, his vision blurry from water and dark skies and his body dragging itself against harsh rain. Unfortunately, he was also already very exhausted.

Out of all the times for a thunderstorm, why did it have to be right after the job change quest?

From behind the trees, he heard a low distorted roar—forcing him to dip his head towards it’s direction. He held a dagger in one hand, trying to make out its shape from behind the trees.

It was in a humanoid shape, making him relax just a little bit. “Is anyone there?” he questioned.

His voice seemed to reach the stranger as they left their hiding spot in the trees’ shade. The person looked to be a man wearing a formal suit, diluted blood marking over his chest and face. Even though he looked human, he didn’t seem to breathe, just limply staring at Jin-Woo with a blank and lifeless expression.

Strangely, the stranger’s (s/c) skin was pale, like blood hasn’t been pumping through his veins. But attacking a person because they looked really sick wasn’t a good thing, it’s like attacking an overworked person because they looked so dead. It was either it was too dark or the view was too blurry.

“Hello?” Jin-Woo called out one time, staying cautious from the stranger. It lunged at Jin-Woo with a raspy growl, nearly scratching his face. Jin-Woo ducked, a small scratch appearing on his face from the speed. It definitely wasn’t human.

Sung Jin-Woo was already fatigued, at a disadvantage with the location as well. He cursed, barely dodging every slash thrown at him. “Igris!” he called out, the shadow materialising from behind him. Igris grabbed the humanoid monster, a splash of mud splattering around as it was thrown.

Sung Jin-Woo stabbed it deep in the chest, not a single drop of blood spilling out as he stepped back to breathe. He put his hands on his knees, staring at the lifeless corpse as he sent Igris back. ‘It seems pretty strong.. Should I extract it?’

He took a deep breath, getting closer to the body as he raised his hand. His posture was elegant, holding a composed expression as droplets of rain streamed down his attractive face, adding to his charm. A deep and soothing voice left his mouth, sending chills to anyone who would hear it.

“Arise.”

Though unfortunately, the Shadow Monarch was greeted with nothing but silence and the sound of ambient rain. That’s odd, if it was a failed extraction then a notification would pop up to let him know or something. Was the system suddenly broken? If that’s the case, he should try again.

“Arise.. arise. ARISE!” he shouted multiple times, but a shadow didn’t get extracted. He furrowed his brows, squatting down to find out the cause of his skill suddenly breaking. “Why isn’t it working..?” he mumbled under his breath, getting closer to the body with a puzzled look on his face.

“Arise. Arise. Arise arise arise. Wake up. Rise and shine. Arise. Awake. Good morning. Arise.”

“I’m not dead yet, dimwit.”

Did the body just.. talk back to him?

“You didn’t hear anything,” Jin-Woo blurted out, getting embarrassed from the montage of Arise and synonyms he was saying to something that was alive. He stabbed the body once again, trying to kill it as he attempted once more. “Arise.”

“You don’t have to try again. I’m not dead,” the man just sat up like it was just his average tuesday, sliding out the blade from his chest, handing it to Jin-Woo and dusting off his clothes. The undead just raised his head towards the sky, watching clouds part as he lifted his palm, no more droplets landing on top of it. “Oh, the rain is clearing up.”

“Excuse me. Didn’t you just try to attack me?”

“Did I? I don’t remember,” the stranger scratched the back of his neck, looking bored as he yawned. “My name is (L/n) (M/n), age 27. And you are?”

“Sung Jin-Woo, 24.”

“Nice meeting you. Now where in the hell am I?”

/////////////////////////////

(L/N) (M/N) HAD A NASTY SCOWL on his face, plopping the sewing kit on Jin-Woo’s bed as he angrily tried to open it with one arm. Unfortunately, someone had cut off his right arm that he spent ages trying to sew back on.

“What next, my leg?” he cursed under his breath as Sung Jin-Woo opened it for him. “Wait a minute,” Jin-Woo said, sticking the end of his arm to his shoulder. “Hold this,” he said, making (M/n) keep his limb in one place as he put the thread in the needle.

“What?” The zombie still looked very angry, knitting his brows together as he held still. “I thought you needed a hand,” Jin-Woo lightly joked, trying to make (M/n)’s mood towards him a little better. The undead male gave him his signature dead stare, tightly holding his severed upper arm before speaking.

“Jin-Woo, I am dead serious here.”

He started to lightly chuckle, noticing that Sung Jin-Woo was almost finished with sewing his arm back on his body. “Hey, you’re pretty good at this.” His remark made Jin-Woo smile as he opened and closed his hand, almost as if it was brand new.

“My clothes kept getting ripped when I was E-Rank. I learned naturally.”

“The next time you rip off my limbs, please fix them too,” (M/n) said, flailing his right hand in the air with satisfaction.

“Well next time. I’m sure I’ll make you mine.”

“I doubt that.”

///////////////////////////// (now it’s just random dialogues i pulled out of my idea dump lol)

“OH HECK! There goes my leg!”

“Oh no... He’s dead! It’s not like I’m happy about it or anything~! ...Arise arise arise arise—“

“IM NOT DEAD!”

“God damn it.. Jin-Woo, could you go fetch my torso, and my arms and my legs and uh.. my head. Yes, thank you.”

“You don’t have a heartbeat and your skin is ice cold. I stabbed you 32 times. How are you still moving?”

“Dunno, ask Jesus.”

“I CAN’T BREATHE! I’M DYING.”

“You don’t breathe, (M/n).”

“Oh yeah, you’re right.”

“Sometimes I wonder if you want me dead or if you want me alive. Which one is it?”

“Either way is fine as long as you’re mine.”

“Gross, necrophiliac.”

“Good night, (M/n).”

“Good night, Jin-Woo..”

“Alright.. arise arise arise arise arise arise arise—“

“Once again, I am not dead.”

“You’re not useless, (M/n). Because when you die, I WILL MAKE YOU MY SHADOW.”

“HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO COMFORT ME?!”

[idektbhmhaismylife]

The Wrong Way to Put Out a Fire- My Understanding

Enji tells Touya that he stopped training him for his own good, even though his actions show that he only stopped training Touya because it will benefit himself, and he doesn't care about Touya's emotional or mental health. Years pass and Touya is still burning himself anyway. Many people have said “SEE? He didn’t force Touya to keep burning himself and continue training him,” but giving him any points for that would be setting the bar pretty low.

The problem here lies where Endeavor tells Touya "you don't have to be a hero," but doesn't tell him "you don't have to be a hero to matter to me." And that's because he does have to be one to matter to him.

  The way Touya speaks to Fuyumi sounds something like "I've got to become a hero that will surpass All Might, or I'll have failed my dad." It seems as though he feels he needs to do it, so he wants to.

Touya looks devastated after Natsuo is born. He's come to realize that he’s being replaced.

After Shoto is born, Touya looks stressed out and exhausted.

By neglecting Touya, Endeavor is literally telling him "You can burn to death for all I care."

I mean... that's what... neglect... is.

Touya tells Natsuo that Endeavor doesn't even look at them, and that they're failures to him.

And Touya didn't matter to Enji. Shoto was Enji's "masterpiece" and Touya was his "failure" for a reason.

Touya wanted to be a hero, yes, but more than anything, he wanted his father to look at him again. To be someone of importance to his super cool Number Two Hero father again.

Touya says something to Enji (as he is pulling out his hair and teary-eyed) that implies that he realizes Endeavor sees him as a "mistake," and Touya wants to prove to his father that he was not a mistake. He wishes that his father would no longer see him as a mistake (can we talk about how the chances that Enji told his son that he doesn’t see him as a mistake after this are below 0% though?).

Touya would crawl to Natsuo, crying and not knowing why he existed, not knowing why he was alive.

(shouldn’t his hair be whiter than this...?)

He obviously knew that he didn't mean anything to his father, but he once did, because Endeavor could see Touya surpassing All Might before, but then his Quirk started burning himself, and he was being punished for that.

"You cannot be a hero" is a synonym for "you can only be a failure through my eyes" in the situation Enji has created.

Fuyumi telling Touya that she doesn't want him to burn himself and Rei telling him that he should choose a different career path both translate to "Hey man, just accept that you no longer mean anything to your father. You're a failure to him. Stop training, give up on your dream of becoming a hero," and both of their statements make him angry.

Endeavor describes his reason for not going to Sekoto Peak on the day Touya "died" as something that would have encouraged him to train even more- no... he didn't know what to say to him.

Enji could have gone there. He could have avoided encouraging him to train even more and he could have let Touya know that he matters, that he does have a purpose, that he isn't a failure, and he isn't a mistake.

By not even going to Sekoto Peak when Touya clearly wanted him to, Enji is showing Touya that what he wants is not a priority (Enji’s got better things to do after all), and Touya probably felt like his voice was not worth listening to for a long time already.

Touya could hurt himself all he wanted to, but he'd never be anything but a failure to his father, the No. 2 Hero (I honestly understand why he was Number 2 for so long if you get me).

(Feel free to disagree but plz don’t bully me also im rlly bad at putting my thoughts into words so idrk)

[leviiattacks]

Two Faced | Chapter Six

↳ levi ackerman, the very person who was about to kindly behead you by a surprising turn of events manages to become your loving husband? you would be elated if this was true love, but it's all thanks to a mysterious magic spell that your life is spared. for now at least.

pairing :: duke!levi x duchess!reader genre :: royal au, angst, fluff, slice of life etc word count :: 2.4k  author note :: i have not yet proof read any of this or chapter five like i said i would, so i apologize for any mistakes. sigh im sorry for the angst in this chapter ??? T__T i suppose my own mood tends to be reflected in my writing. anyway, i’m working on requests too so if you have any feel free to send them in :D  → next part is here!!

Everyone within the estate notices the way your schedule suddenly changes, half of them have no clue what you're doing seeing as it would be unfavorable for them to be aware of it in the first place.

However, after the bitter events of your first ODM-gear session you find it necessary to tell Sasha and Mikasa the truth. It's embarrassing really, and your mind disintegrates trying to find an appropriate way to tell to them about it. Sasha especially considering you've hid so much more from her.

The thought of letting them in on your lie has crossed your mind a number of times, but the image of Levi throwing you to the floor as he shakes in simmering outrage makes itself present. He will have objections against this and if he finds out you may end up in the same vulnerable position as before.

But, you don't care. If he wants to end your life for providing your confidants with honesty, so be it. It's not as if you have much of a choice.

Mikasa is sat in front of you bubbling with rage, she's disinfecting the gash at the top of your head - it has inconveniently tainted the surface of your skin after the second time you accidentally flipped in your gear.

Her breathing is heavy, evidently leaden with acidity it's become background noise to you. You're now increasingly mindful of how she's trying her best to keep calm for you. The realization that you're a liability and a hindrance to those around you makes you wince in shame.

You may as well be considered a synonym for humiliation at this point. That's how badly you're handling everything that comes your way.

Sasha doesn't say a word as she's brushing the knots out of your hair. There's nothing more you want to do than snatch the wooden paddle brush away from her, tell her she doesn't have to do this for you or commit herself to someone as unworthy as yourself. It's shameful that you let her continue - your only reason is that making her feel uncomfortable by the action is a possibility and that is the last thing you wish for.

The corners of your lips twitch upwards but you fight the desire to laugh at your pathetic circumstances.

"We aren't really in love." You finally say it. "He's never loved me." Your voice is ragged, voice trembling, breath laboured.

"You don't need to explain." Mikasa is calm in the way she approaches it all. "All we need to know is that the Duke is a pig."

Sasha has now stopped brushing out your hair now playing with the ends of your strands between her fingers.

"We expect no explanation from you it's been a long day." She gently whispers.

"Everyone deserves to rest. That includes you." Sasha's soft voice provides a kind of comfort that consoles you the way stars provide solace to the night. Your eyes fill to the brim with tears, you've desperately wished for years that someone would tell you that and mean it and here it is. She's smiling down at you, not even an ounce of irritation present in the way she addresses the situation.

Mikasa is silently caressing the top of your hand with her thumb. They aren't outraged or resentful. Even though they should be they aren't.

Heart twisting due to the prickles of relief they've given you your shoulders slump and you give in choking down a sob.

Sasha circles her arms around your quivering form and she strokes your hair. "It was hard, right?"

Attempting to blink your tears away you feebly nod. The weight of it all being kept to yourself has been unbearable. Tolerating this unwelcoming and cynical actuality on your own has been one of the hardest obstacles to come your way. To be swept off your feet and loved with such sincerity only to then be thrown away by that man like a rag-doll. Only to be coerced into doing what he wants or to face the music and face an early death. It's truly had a deeply somber affect on you.

You take one profound breath and you begin to tell them your story.

There are moments at which Mikasa's grip on your hand strengthens in a mix of frustration and protectiveness.

Eventually, at some point Sasha tries to secretively wipe a tear away when you recount Levi's blackened, subdued gaze the day he reverted back to his old self and announced you would never be a wife of his.

It's all too overwhelming for you when you tell them you're only alive sitting in this bed because you've bartered your freedom for a chance at existence. It's always been that way, you had to give, in order to receive, but this is one of the rare occasions you don't feel that way. The beating of your heart steadies, you're thankful for the way they listen and ask for nothing in return.

You stare at them once you're finished worried that you've overloaded them with too much information, you didn't even think to believe how they'd feel associating with a speculated "witch".

"You believe me right?" Your hoarse voice is thickened with worry.

You feel Sasha nod above your head.

"We believe you."

Staring at her glossy eyes you turn to look at Mikasa, she holds your arm in place and squeezes your hand reassuringly, it's enough to convey that she too has faith in you.

The days since have been passing excruciatingly slow. The day after the ordeal with Levi you can sense the way the other cadets look at you. It's a combination of distaste and pity. They stay far away from you, don't want to pair up with you during group exercises or activities - you aren't annoyed at all. In fact it's in their best interest they stay far away from your uncoordinated stiffness.

Oluo seems to feel horrible for challenging you to use ODM-gear when your core strength was not to the best of your abilities, he mumbles an apology for contributing to the gash on your forehead but you tell him it's quite alright and you assure him it isn't his fault that you thought you would be able to master the mechanism of the gear so early on.

On one of your more empty days you finally find the time to make your pit-stop at Hange's office, knocking on their door a breezy "Come on in!" is the response you're given.

To your surprise Levi is sitting there with a map and pen in his hand. Unmoving, his attention is solely on the plans in front of him. Ignoring him you inquire what it is Hange wanted to so desperately discuss with you but they wave it off saying the issue they had has now been solved.

Turning to walk away you don't divert your stare to Levi, simply knowing he's in one piece is good enough for you.

Other than that the repetitive pattern has stayed the same. It's a cycle of waking up, skipping breakfast, training for hours on end, returning completely exhausted, bathing and ultimately passing out in bed almost as soon as you've made contact with the mattress.

Levi and you awkwardly have to share the same bedroom at the estate to avoid any rumours of a broken marriage spreading. You don't understand why it matters, the "rumours" would be factual and true.

At first he sleeps in his office using the excuse of paperwork and planning attack formations but he knows that excuse will soon run dry. Later he utilities one of the armchairs in your room and sleeps in it for an hour or two, it concerns you how he's barely sleeping now, but you aren't vocal about your worry. Last but not least today is what you call a hollow night, the other half of your King sized bed is vacant, you haven't caught a single glimpse of Levi all day despite foolishly being on the look out for him. These nights are the worst.

Silence comes hand in hand with the peace and tranquility of the dark but that isn't what you feel, nevertheless you make the effort to sleep knowing your body will thank you for it when you train tomorrow.

Just as you're at the brink of drifting softly to sleep you feel the weight on the other side of your bed shift, you nearly jolt but your body's survival instincts halt the action. Suddenly, you are eerily alert of your surroundings. This isn't Levi, he'd never dare to come anywhere near you in general, but then shock renders you in place, he's fatigued by your presence perhaps it is him and this is finally your time.

That doesn't sound right to you. Levi is a man of his word if he wanted to go through with it he would have long ago.

A warm palm embraces your cheek and you second guess your previous line of thought. Instead of Levi Is this Lev?

This confirms your suspicions. The magic has yet to fully dwindle away. It's faltering.

Eyes fluttering open with caution you want to tell him how you've missed his presence greatly for this will be short lived. Lev will come and go. Even if you know it'll only obstruct your progress you wish to tell him you're grateful for the affection he gave you when he was around, but as you open your eyes half lidded he presses you into his chest.

The pace of your heart erratically springs, his breath is tickling the back of your neck. You can hear the blood drumming in your ears.

It pains you but you have to push him away.

But when you begin to emphasize the distance between the two of you he doesn't give you the opportunity to speak again, he flares up in want and presses his lips against yours, kisses you hard. You automatically reciprocate and your nerves cause your teeth to accidentally clatter against his.

His fingers run through your hair, frantically, desperately.

You'll be scolded for this later but it's not like you care and it's not like you can talk Levi out of it now. Not when he's like this.

An uncontrolled breathe leaves you and he lightly cups your jaw slipping his tongue inside. It tastes of whisky, you immediately recoil.

He's intoxicated.

"I'm sorry. Go to bed Lev." Your plain response is enough to worry him.

He holds onto your wrists and tugs at you. "My love?" His adoring stare is enough to make you crumble.

This isn't playing out how you want, you can't do this, not right now. You refuse to make this harder on yourself. Turning around you face away from him.

"I'm tired."

But Levi refuses to make it any easier on you.

He pulls you in by the torso again, handling you like a delicate flower.

He asks again.

"Whatever is wrong? I'll handle it for you."

It's abnormal hearing him talk to you with positive regard or even offer to help you. Repeatedly you warn yourself don't give in. The pace your head throbs at is in time with your heart, you're finding hope in the hopeless if you tell him your feelings.

"My Lord. Please leave me alone. Please. When the Sun rises you will regret this, as will I." You're unrestrained in your pleading now, your wailing fills the chambers you and Levi occupy.

"Please." Your voice is straining and urgent.

Thankfully, the maid's quarters are far, they won't hear the way you cry out for him to put an end to this torturous mind game.

Face slippery with hushed tears the tearing of your heart can not be heard. Bloodshot eyes blur your vision, you can't see. You don't think you want to, not when he firmly grips onto you like his life depends on it.

Then. The air changes, he's still holding onto you but his arms stiffen. He feels the way your back shivers against his chest. How your choked, cracked gasps for breath are an indication of how he's destroyed any chances you've had of sleeping.

Wordlessly, he lets go of you. Not a single word is uttered. The only sound amongst the alienating silence is his footsteps.

You hate this.

He closes the door behind him as he departs.

No, you hate him.

An unusual amount of sunlight compared to usual floods into your room and you have to practically block it out with one of your arms. Stirring awake your eyes burn, the whites must still be raw and inflamed.

This is usually the amount of sunlight you'd expect to see midday. Stifling a yawn you look around you. Then it hits you. It's not morning.

It's midday.

Your hands fly to your mouth trying to swallow your gasp down your throat, you're in hot water. It's not permitted for anyone to miss training unless they're excused by one of the higher ups. It's not as if you've missed a hour of training either, you've missed four.

There's no way to explain this, no way at all.

After everything he put you through last night the least Levi could have done was wake you up or at least order one of the maids to do so. It's his fault you slept at that ungodly hour.

An incessant knocking begins and you're almost certain it's Levi who's come to scold you for missing training. For some reason you can't make yourself care about his possible annoyance just yet.

"I'm coming in!"

You let out a short sigh. Thank Heavens it's only Sasha.

The door flings open and she pulls you out of bed not giving you the chance to greet her good morning.

"What have you gone and done???"

Awkwardly you chuckle. "I slept in and forgot training." Her face contorts and twists not knowing what expression is appropriate to express her bewilderment.

"No, no. WHY DID THE DUKE LET YOU OFF TRAINING TODAY?? IT'S OUT OF CHARACTER."

At a complete loss for words, open mouthed all you can manage to do is clear your throat trying to keep your jaw from dropping. "He what?"

[thenamesseven]

Pairing: Jongho x reader

Genre: Romance, angst, jail au!

Warnings: Angst, a lot of angst and mentions of blood.

Word count: 4.3

A/N: IM FINALLY BAAAACK! My internship is over and I finally had the time to finish writing this chapter! Sorry for taking so long, I promise I’ll be around for more often now! ^^ Enjoy this chapter!

<- Previous Chapter                 Masterlist                   Next chapter ->

Blood. 

When Wooyoung opened the infirmary door and watched the scene in front of him, his surroundings started spinning around at a fast pace. The male gripped the door handle tightly, breathing shortening to avoid smelling the metallic scent that filled up the room.

There was blood everywhere on the floor. It would be impossible to get to him without stepping into the sticky bloody puddles that were forming around his body.

Wooyoung had seen all kinds of things while working in a jail. Fights, attempts of murder, suicides, death wasn't a stranger for him. This time however, there was something different about the situation he just encountered. The one laying on the floor might be a criminal, Mingi's hands were stained with blood, with theft but under all that, behind all the things he did, a good person hid. Wooyoung knew Mingi wasn’t bad, life just brought him to this place but he would have surely made better choices in his life if he had the chance to in the past. 

Time slowed down when reached for his walkie-talkie, panick was blocking all of his senses like he couldn't even hear himself as he called for help and medical assistance. Wooyoung rushed to the inmate's side, almost falling down onto the floor when his shoes stepped on the blood that surrounded Mingi's body, the red liquid made the surface slippery and Wooyoung would have to be careful if he didn't want to make the situation even worse by hurting himself too.

"Mingi?" His voice was rushed, tense and shook with hesitance as he reached out to shake his body "Mingi'' Wooyoung's voice turned stern, trying to see if a stricter voice would bring him back to consciousness. "Mingi'' He tried again, kneeling down onto the floor, staining his uniform pants with blood as he reached out to gently slap his face. 

He needed a reaction. Anything. 

Desperate to get any sign of life from him, Wooyoung's eyes scanned the inmate's body, quickly finding where the open wound that was covered by blood and stained clothes was. It was near his stomach, more on the side, the amount of blood looked bad but he knew Mingi would survive if the knife hadn't touched any vital organs. His hands flew to the wound, pressing as hard as he could in order to stop the bleeding. 

Mingi groaned loudly in response, probably in pain due to the sudden pressure on his side and Wooyoung felt as if the heaviest weight had been lifted from his shoulders. 

There was still some life in him, everything wasn’t lost yet.

Despite Mingi not enjoying the sensation of Wooyoung’s hands pressuring his side, the male kept doing it as hard as he could, ignoring the awful sensation of his hands becoming wet and sticky with another man’s blood. He was not good at this, if it hadn’t been a life or death situation he would have probably passed out already, Wooyoung was never a fan of blood.

“Mingi stay with me” He muttered looking down at the inmate, watching how the slightly older male struggled to keep his eyes open, his vision becoming blurry as he didn’t even know who was the one hurting him “Don’t fall asleep alright?  You have to stay awake” 

“Jaehyun…” He whispered, ignoring everything Wooyoung was saying. If he was going to die the last thing he was going to do was drag that fucker down with him. He probably wouldn’t pay the consequences, Jaehyun had made sure to get along with the high ranks of this jail but he would try at least, he just had to.

“I know it was Jaehyun, I know” Wooyoung looked at the door when more guards stumbled inside, instantly stopping as soon as they saw the scene in front of their eyes. One of them ran out and the sound of his gagging as he threw out echoed in the busy hall loud enough for the people in the infirmary to hear.

“Mingi” Wooyoung gently slapped his face when he saw him closing his eyes, his body temperature was unbelievably low and his muscles were too relaxed for Wooyoung’s liking “Mingi stay awake, the ambulance is coming” 

“Jongho…” 

Wooyoung shook his head, motioning for Mingi to shut up and save his energy in order to stay conscious “He’ll visit you later, stay with me Mingi, safe your strength”

“Take care of him” He insisted, not listening to Wooyoung “Don’t let him get in trouble, no matter how stubborn he is” 

“Mingi-”

“I know you don’t hate him that much” The smile of Mingi’s face caught Wooyoung so off guard, that he opened and closed his mouth like a breathless fish, not knowing what to do or say to his most recent words “I know you’ll help him, I know you’ll get him out”

After saying those words, Mingi lost consciousness. Wooyoung knew it because his eyes closed and his muscles relaxed so much that Wooyoung started panicking. “Mingi” Wooyoung repeated his name, gently shaking him in order to wake him up “Mingi?” His tone, more urgent than before, alarmed the cops outside that were waiting for the ambulance and paramedics to arrive “Mingi!” 

But Mingi couldn’t hear him anymore.

Hospitals are commonly disliked by people. It was a word that brings bad memories to people, a synonym for death and illness which is why most humans try to avoid this place. This is totally understandable though, you don’t come to a hospital to have some fun. Sure sometimes happiness filled the rooms due to recovery or births but that feeling usually got drowned by the sadness and desperation that filled the rest of the patients around.

You’ve always wanted to work in a hospital though, the idea of taking care of people, watching them recover and helping them through their illness always got your attention. You’ve been the kind of person that put others before yourself, Jongho usually scolded you about this but it was your nature, you just couldn’t help it. 

Today was different though. 

Today you hated this place as much as a normal human being did.

You rushed out of the taxi that drove you here from your apartment as soon as the driver stopped in front of the entrance. Placing some money -that would surely be more than enough- into his hand, you grabbed your purse and closed the door, half walking, half running to your destination. Pushing the double doors open, a wave of sickness and nausea hit you hard as soon as the characteristic smell of antiseptic mixed with medicine filled your nose, you ignored it though, as well as the serious yet worried glance the woman at the front desk threw your way. The brightness that only became stronger by the white walls and floor surrounding you made your head spin but you somehow managed to keep walking forward, taking step after step closer to where Wooyoung had told you they were waiting.

All kinds of thoughts ran through your mind.

You should have been there with him, you should have been there to stop it cause Jaehyun wouldn’t have acted the way he did if you had been there with Mingi, you shouldn’t have left him alone, this would have never happened if you had been there instead of hiding at home like a coward. Blaming yourself wasn’t new, you’ve always had a tendency of being a bit too hard on yourself when something happened, Jongho knew this better than everybody but this time he wasn’t around to silence the mean voice that whispered in your ear, that haunted your mind.

Standing there in the waiting room were Wooyoung along with Hongjoong, Yunho and San, who sat nearby the doors that led into the different operating rooms. You were the only ones there though, hopefully Mingi was getting as much help as the doctors could provide right now. Wooyoung stood in the middle of the room, arms crossed on his chest, tension evident in his body. He was still covered in blood and the sight of him made you gasp so loud that they all turned their heads towards you curiously, worried. Pain and distress obvious in their features.

This is all your fault.

“(Y/N)” 

Before you could say something, Wooyoung opened his arms and welcomed you into them, wrapping them around your fragile body gently and comfortably, soothing the pain and heaviness in your chest for a few seconds. The blood was dried in his uniform so it didn’t stain your clothes but the metallic yet disgusting scent surrounding him didn’t let it go unnoticed.

“What happened?” You asked quietly, still with his arms around you “How is he?”

“By the time I got to the infirmary to check on him he was already on the floor” Wooyoung explained quietly, running his hand up and down your back “He was conscious so I tried to keep him awake, try to stop the hemorrhage but there was too much blood and he stopped talking and-”

“What I can’t understand is how things like this can happen in a place where inmates should be watched throughout the whole day?” San’s hard yet cold voice brought silence to the room, you dragged your eyes towards them, acknowledging their presence for the first time since you got here.

The three of them looked miserable.

Wooyoung let you go and turned around to face them. He was tense but you knew him well enough to know he would attempt to stay calm in order to not let the situation get out of hand. “Some of them manage to find the right times to get away from us and-”

“So you admit you guys are not doing your job well?” Yunho joined his friend, glaring at Wooyoung as he crossed his arms on his chest. Hongjoong limited himself to look down at something that was displayed on the screen of his phone. Probably business? Whatever it was seemed to be important.

“I mean, that wasn’t even the place I was watching” Wooyoung replied hesitantly, not liking the accusations that were suddenly being thrown his way.

“Guys-” You tried to stop the upcoming argument, to help them relax a little but San glared at you, shutting you up immediately.

“Why were you going to the infirmary then?” He asked, curiously looking at him. “Were you involved in what happened?” He pressed further, willing to pressure him even more.

“What are you trying to say?” Wooyoung stepped forward, hating how they were trying to blame him for what had happened while he had only wanted to save their friend.

Yunho stood up and took a step closer to Wooyoung, taking the same threatening stance Wooyoung had and before you could get in between them, Hongjoong that had stayed quiet during the entire exchange and who you thought wasn’t paying attention to any of the words that were being said finally looked up.

“This is not the place nor time to discuss this” He said, seriousness evident in his face as he looked between Wooyoung and Yunho. None of the males moved, still staring into each other’s eyes right before their leader spoke up again. “Officer Jung did as much as he could Yunho, now we just have to trust Mingi”

“He better get out of this one alive” San scoffed besides him as Yunho sat back down, your blood freezing when you saw how much hatred, how much pain shone in the male’s eyes “Because I’ll make all of their lives a living nightmare if he dies” 

“He will” You whispered quietly, rubbing your eyes as Wooyoung sighed taking a seat besides you “He will get out of this one”

The room Wooyoung had guided you into was similar to the ones you’ve seen in movies before, it felt as if you were about to get interrogated by someone, that wasn’t the case though and unfortunately, you were just waiting to deliver some news. Something you couldn’t believe yet.

The ticking of the clock was the only thing that could be heard as it echoed in the empty room, your fingers nervously fidgeting with the hem of your hoodie as you stared down at the table, nervously waiting for Wooyoung to arrive. The tissues filling your pockets were starting to break into small pieces from how much you’ve been fidgeting with them and your swollen eyes burned from all the tears you’ve shed during the last few hours. Your nose was surely as red as Rudolph’s but that was not the thing the worried you the most.

Your current biggest worry opened the door and snapped you out of your thoughts, his eyes full of concern landing on your face as soon as he entered the room.

“Twenty minutes” Wooyoung said from behind Jongho, eyes on you to make sure you wouldn’t surpass the time limit he was putting on your little reunion “That’s all you got”

“Thanks Wooyoung” You whispered quietly, not trusting your voice too much. Wooyoung just threw 

a small smile your way, eyes scanning your face briefly before he closed the door behind Jongho, going to wherever he would have to go to make sure nobody else would notice Jongho wasn’t in his cell at this time of the night.

You were sure he had heard what happened, news flew fast in this kind of place but you still wanted to be the one to tell him, you wanted to be there for him even if that meant seeing him break for the first time in all the years the two of you had been together.

He deserves to be told by you that Mingi was dead, that he wasn’t coming back anymore.

Jongho still stood by the door, ignoring the empty chair that was placed on the other side of the table waiting for him to take a seat. His hands were in his pockets, eyes down on the floor as he moved his weight from one of his legs to the other, not even knowing how to stand.

Letting out a shaky sigh, you gathered as much strength as you could and stood up, feeling his eyes on you while you walked around the room, picked up the empty chair and placed it down in front of the one you’ve been sitting on all this time. Jongho needed to be closer, he would need you to comfort him as soon as you confirmed the awful thoughts running through his head right now.

“Sit down” You told him, motioning to the chair you’ve just moved.

Jongho looked up at you, making your eyes meet. Time stopped between the two of you, the broken glance in his eyes broke your heart even more and you knew that even though the words hadn’t left your mouth yet he still knew what you were about to say. He wasn’t stupid after all and if Mingi had recovered from the attack he suffered in the infirmary the two of you wouldn’t be here, looking at each other, beating around the bush since none of you wanted to say it out loud.

“Listen to me” Jongho was the first one to break the silence, sadness dripping from his tone as he reached out to grab one of your hands, holding it gently.

“Jongho wait” You cut him off before he could keep talking, the sound of his voice giving you the little push you needed to start talking about what you planned to said “I need to tell-”

“I know” He nodded, eyes staring into yours as his grip on your hand got tighter. There were tears pooling in the corners of his eyes, pain written all over of his face but like always, Jongho kept his mask up and acted as if he was feeling nothing, as if this was just one of his usual days “I know (Y/N) and you need to listen to me”

“But-” Just thinking about Mingi being gone brought a thousand tears to roll down your cheeks, your hands shaking as he gently pulled you against his chest. It was unbelievable how you had come with the intentions of comforting him but it ended up him being the one comforting you. Jongho’s pain was surely stronger than yours, Mingi had been there for him when you couldn’t, he had been the one that kept him safe in this hell and now that was gone.

“I’ll cry his loss when this is over, when we’re safe and sound” He said gently, one of his hands caressing the back of your head while the other kept you close to his body. “You need to listen to me attentively, alright?” Jongho moved back enough to look into your eyes, both of his hands cupping your cheeks now so you could only look at him, not allowing you to look away. “Things are getting really bad for me” He said honestly, wiping your endless tears with his thumbs as they fell “Jaehyun is coming for me (Y/N) and let’s be honest, he has more friends than I do in here” Everything Jongho was saying made perfect sense, Jaehyun’s freedom was getting out of control and he could do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted unlike Jongho. That scared you to death, his next target would be Jongho for sure and the thought of losing him like you lost Mingi only increased the pain in your chest.

“I’ll get you out of here” You said almost immediately, heart pounding against your chest “I’ll talk with Hongjoong and we’ll speed up the process and-”

“(Y/N)” Jongho’s voice lowered, his hands squeezing your cheeks a bit tighter to get your attention “I know you will baby, I know you want to get me out of here” The small smile on his lips broke your heart, something told you he was saying goodbye to you, that there were plans in his head that wouldn’t end the way you wanted to.

“You can’t leave me” You begged, shaking your head.

“I never will Treasure, I will never leave you” Jongho’s voice trembled and the alarms in your head rang louder “Listen to me alright? Just listen to me and you can say whatever you want when I’m done” Taking a deep breath you nodded, stomach twisting nervously, anticipation killing you “Something might happen to me, we both know that (Y/N), there’s nothing Jaehyun wants more than killing me” Your lower lip trembled when you nodded at his words, you also knew that and you hated yourself for not being able to do something against it “I’ll obviously try to avoid that though, it’s not like I’m going to wait for him to attack” His smile was full of sadness and he looked at you desperate, helpless “But if something happens-” 

“No”

“If something happens” He repeated caressing your cheeks, one of his hands leaving your face to move into one of his pockets. His hand shook with emotion and nervousness “I want to do this if, unfortunately, I don’t have the chance to in the future” Before you could process what was going on, Jongho went down on one of his knees right in front of you, looking up at you with a look of love and adoration you’ve never seen in his eyes before. His mask was coming down, he wasn’t hiding his emotions from you anymore.

“Jongho-”

“I know you’ve imagined this way differently” He said with a small smile, tears still present in his eyes as he reached up and grabbed one of your hands “Because I was there when you talked for hours about how you’ve always wanted your wedding to be” Your heart was beating so fast at this point that it wouldn’t surprise you if it suddenly broke your ribcage and got through it “And definitely getting proposed to in a jail was never your number one idea but this is what I’ve got, I’m tired of waiting and I’m not taking the risk of losing my last chance” Jongho squeezed your hand tightly, a tear slipping from his eyes “Treasure, (Y/N), I’ve been in love with you since the day I met you” His confession squeezed your heart, you’ve always known Jongho and you had feelings for each other but hearing him say it hit you way differently “It’s surely not a surprise because let’s be honest, I’ve always made sure you knew you were and still are the most important thing in my life” His touch got gentler and his eyes softer, he couldn’t believe he was finally doing this “And if I get out of here, I promise I will give you the world baby, I’ll give you everything you’ve ever wanted, we’ll have that wedding, you’ll have that house you’ve dreamed of and I’ll hopefully help you create the most beautiful family in the entire universe” You bit down on your lower lip, seeing how more tears started rolling down his cheeks “But if something happens, I don’t want to….To die regretting not doing this, regretting not making you mine” He suddenly stood up, pulling you closer to him, resting his forehead against yours.

“I’ve always been yours” You whispered quietly, letting your tears mix with his as they fell down your faces

“Marry me (Y/N)” It wasn’t a question, it wasn’t a proposal, he was begging you to do it, dying for you to accept him not as your best friend or as your lover but as your husband. Jongho wanted to be your other half, the person you would spend the rest of your days with, the one you would die for if it came to that “You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me, the reason I’m still alive fighting against all chances, the fuel that keeps my heart beating” He was whispering these words, voice shaky as if he was scared to say this too loud. Jongho has never been good when it came to feelings but he was opening himself up for you and only you tonight. “Be mine forever, you’ve already stolen my heart….Why not steal my last name as well?”

His last sentence made the both of you smile quietly, this cheesy side of him would have been truly funny if you weren’t in the situation you were in right now. He was asking you to marry him but deep down, it still felt as if he was saying goodbye to you.

“On one condition” You cleared your throat and looked at him, serious as ever “You have to get your ass out of here” You said holding back your tears, hearing your own voice breaking almost a thousand times during the same sentence “And prepare with me the wedding of our dreams” His smile got bigger, his head automatically nodding at your words “And you’ll have to wear a tuxedo” He hated them, Jongho always complained of how uncomfortable they looked but you knew he would look incredibly handsome in one of them.

“I’ll do whatever it takes to see you walking down the aisle” He whispered, staring down at your lips, his hands holding one of yours as he slid a ring down your finger, the cold metal turning your skin into goosebumps “I know it’s ugly as fuck but it’s what I’ve found around, I’ll get you the prettiest ring ever when we get out of here” The two of you laughed softly as you looked down at the bland stripe of silver metal around your finger. 

“I love it” You mumbled happily, making him laugh a bit louder this time.

“You do huh? Choi (Y/N)?” The sound of your name along with his last name made your hearts simultaneously skip a beat, both of your smiles getting undeniably bigger as you looked into each other’s eyes. “So tell me”His lips brushed against yours temptingly, hungry for kisses. “Will you marry me? I swear I’ll wear a tuxedo” You giggled against his lips, nodding quietly at his words.

“Yes Jongho, I’ll marry you”

Outside in the parking lot, Wooyoung leaned back against a black car, cigarette between his lips as he breathed in the smoke that released some of the stress in his body.

“Thanks for the help today, we wouldn’t have been able to do it without you” Wooyoung shrugged at the words. Keeping his eyes up on the moon that shone above them.

“I just did the right thing, it was time for me to finally do something” He replied, kicking a stone near his shoe, watching it get lost in the darkness that surrounded the parking lot.

“You’ve been doing the right thing for a long time Wooyoung, without you, who would have watched Jongho’s back all these years?”

“I won’t feel like we succeeded until all of this is over” He simply replied, pushing himself away from the side of the car as he stepped on the cigarette he just threw down onto the floor.

“We’ll get him out of there alive, just hold on there a little longer” 

“I think we’re running out of time” He turned around to look at the male, eyes serious and voice tense. Things were getting too complicated, the plan wasn’t going how it was supposed to. Getting Jongho out of jail wouldn’t be as easy as they thought it would be.

“Have I ever lied to you?” The other asked him, smiling a little when Wooyoung shook his head “Trust us, Jongho and (Y/N) will be out of here as soon as possible” 

“Better hurry up though” Wooyoung insisted, not afraid to pressure the other male “It will be better if you guys get them out of here alive rather than Jaehyun getting them out of here in plastic bags”

“Patience is the key to success” A sigh was heard, the engine of his car revving alive since it was his time to go. He had things to do, plans to discuss with the rest of his friends. “Pleasure working with you officer Jung”

“As long as you keep (Y/N) safe, the pleasure was all mine Hongjoong”

Taglist: @guess--monster @cometoceantrenches @miatsubaki23 @lovelyvitamin @heroesfan101 @daintysan @t-tbinnie @shyshybabyy @little-precious-baby @bebetiny @mirror-juliet @btrombley13 @yukine-smx @wavetease

[kumoriyami-xiuzhen]

Hakuoki Yuugiroku 3 - Short Episode #8 “The Troubles of the Head of the Kazama Family” Eng Translation

This is my first post of the month, so I’ll start by asking you to please support me if you can through my ko-fi, and paypal or patreon which provides access to my hakuoki blog translations and early access to my postings. Also, please let me know if you have any hakuoki drama cds that you’d be willing to share that are on my Lookout List since i either do not have audio for those cds or do not have audio that I can share.... and if you are able to remove watermarks from a video, please contact me.  

no translation posts next week since my bday is next week and i use that as a break... hopefully i’ll finally be able to watch the a certain CxM stage play that i may have downloaded a while ago. tad surprised about how much music from the game i heard while i was skipping through the honpen file to check that it was working...   

anyway, enjoy~ also the punctuation in the tl i used doesn’t match that of the game so that will be fixed later. 

also im probably going to drop all yuugiroku 3 stuff aside from the short episodes given the amount of editing work i need to do (the translations im relying on seem to be missing some details).

The Troubles of the Kazama Family Head

Translation by KumoriYami

Kazama: Damn it, those Shogunate dogs!

Shiranui: Hey, I've come to play, it's been a while since I've seen you.

Amagiri: You've come, Shiranui, though this may not be a good time.

Shiranui: [Since this is] Not a good time, did something happen?

Kazama: What could possibly have happened?

The number of people who want to separate me from my wife has doubled/There are almost twice as many people trying to separate me from my wife now.

They're not just within the Shinsengumi, there are actually outsiders too!

Shiranui: Oh, so you're complaining that the number of enemies/rivals for love has increased?

Really, come on/forget it, you should give up/give up.

Kazama: Impossible!

Oni should be linked with other oni! And this would be the marriage of two leaders! What is there to hesitate about!

Amagiri: Was she not raised as a human? You asking her to accept the opinions/circumstances of an oni may be impossible.

Shiranui: Hey Amagiri, if you say something that provokes him, you won't be able to say anything

Amagiri: Indeed.

Shiranui: What kind of guys were added.

I know Sakamoto. Who are the others!

Kazama: Nagakura, Sanan, Yamazaki are from the Shinsengumi.

There's another of the Shogunate's dogs, a hanamoto named Iba.

Additionally, there's some useless youngster named Souma.

Then there's  Sakamoto, that frivolous man you know of.

Amagiri:......I feel that your introductions are too malicious/impolite/rude/weren't very polite.

Shiranui: I don't think he's aware of his biases.

Those people are protecting that female oni.

At least they're better than Kazama......

Kazama: What did you say! Shiranui, you need to pay attention to what you say to me.

Do you know who you are talking to?

Shiranui: I only stated my honest opinion.

Kazama: I am strong, rich, I have unlimited prospects/a limitless future, and am also from an oni clan. Why can't I compare with them/How am I unable to match them!

Shiranui: It's a different matter if that female oni wants that or not [might change to interested based on jp mtl].

Amagiri: Not all women pursue power and wealth.

Shiranui: There are many women who would rather avoid men with those things.

Kazama: ! Are you saying that Yukimura and I are not suitable for each other?

Shiranui: In any case, if that's what that female oni decides, I won't intrude.

Amagiri: Myself as well, were I not in this position, I would recommend that she choose another man to live out her life with.  

Kazama:......

Shiranui: What's wrong?

Can't we say this? You need to think about everything you've done.

Kazama: How should I change [then].

Shiranui: ！？

Kazama: How can I make it so that my wife does not look at those shady people, and marry into my family.

Shiranui: Wha!!!

Amagiri: ！！！！？

Kazama: What's with that astonished expression, is what I said that surprising?

Shiranui: No, although this is for a pure-blooded female oni, I really didn't expect it to this degree.

I didn't think it was possible for him/you to actually say that he’d/you would change for someone else.

Amagiri: Did you eat something you shouldn't have? Or do you have a fever?

Kazama: What do you mean?

Are you saying that I am a man who is completely unrepentant [might change to remorseless... or some other synonym] and arrogant?

Shiranui: Mm, no! It would be great if that was true though.

But you've had the same temperament since you were a kid, can you change it?

Amagiri: And not just because / this cannot be because you're being reprimanded, but rather for the sake of the daughter of the Yukimura family!

Kazama: I am a man who does what he says, and I am saying that I will change.

Shiranui: If you're really serious, we'll help you.

But even if Kazama is humble/modest, that female oni might view that as a trap.

Amagiri: That cannot be said!

This however is a good opportunity to correct his daily bad habits.

Shiranui: That's also right, we should take advantage of this opportunity.

Kazama: What are you secretly whispering about?

You still haven't told me what I should correct.

Shiranui: Okay, I got it, do you have the courage to listen?

Kazama: Come then, I will see this to the very end, so don't hold back!

End

[gwoongi]

𝗄𝗈𝗈𝗉𝗂𝖽 ♥︎ jeongguk (ft namjoon)

𝗄𝗈𝗈𝗉𝗂𝖽 jeon jeongguk / reader (ft kim namjoon) genre: pornstar au, smut rating: explicit words: 4749

The sight of his shit-eating grin leaves Namjoon with a prickle of hot frustration that hurts when the video rolls to an end, with no flashy end credits or promotion. Just a black screen with his own idiot reflection staring back at him.

a/n: i……………i don’t know what came over me.

warnings: graphic sexual content, rough sex, porn themes, choking, impreg kink, creampie, squirting, daddy kink, loving sex, dirty talking, degradation/humiliation, unprotected sex, cum eating, porn couple, name-calling (slut shaming?), bisexual namjoon, dirty talk literally inspired by dirty talk i see in sexy stuff im sorry

Namjoon liked porn. Like virtually every guy in his fraternity, Namjoon watched porn almost daily. There was something addictive, like a drug, about visiting PornHub; porn was like an old friend he hadn’t seen in a while, and watching porn was like relieving an itch that he couldn’t quite reach.

“The fact that all you do when you get home is watch porn is just sad,” his friend Sunmi had said, with her cheek pushed up against the worn bicep of Namjoon’s one of many frat brothers, Hoseok. Namjoon had just scowled and said nothing, not feeling the need to defend his unrequited friendship with porn because, “everybody watches porn”. To him, it was kind of like gaming; everybody played games, some more than others. And Namjoon enjoyed exploring every category, watching searches with pretty thumbnails of peach genitals or cum-stuffed faces, holes leaking with it.

It was a Friday evening, the end of Namjoon’s long haul of work from a week of University. With an untouched linguistics assignment flashing to be given attention in his emails, Namjoon closed the tab and sighed loudly with a frown, rubbing the side of his face with his hand. Boredom was the bane of his life, and he could feel it slowly creeping up on him, wrapping like a snake to prey around his body and very slowly squeezing the life out of him. After a few moments of exhausting hesitation, Namjoon groaned and reluctantly reached for his laptop.

“When you’re bored, try and reach out to a friend,” was something his Mother had always said. Granted, she didn’t quite mean friend as a synonym for PornHub dot com, but at the end of the day, she never specified what a friend was or who the friend could be. And, look, Google filled in the blanks for him as he typed in ‘p’, and like a loyal good best friend, Pornhub logged him in automatically, his premium membership like a badge of honour.

Namjoon glanced at the time- ten fourty three in the evening, and the exhaustion from classes and his late afternoon shift at the Italian restaurant down the street still hung over him, despite the glorious view of cum-filled cunts and leaking dicks. Because, when dabbling with porn, Namjoon wasn’t picky. Life could throw a thousand warm wet vaginas in Namjoon’s face, or a thousand veiny cocks, and he’d still find himself with his hands stuffed down the front of his pants, begging for some kind of release. Sunmi’s old words echoed in his head- it was sad. What he was doing, and how often he did it, was actually the saddest thing in the world.

Unlike normal, Namjoon hovered his cursor over the categories, undecided on where to go to. He’d viewed every category to death, spending hours jerking to images of girls on all fours, dressed like cats, gags stuffed in their mouths; boys with big dicks up their asses, tears down their faces. You name it, and Namjoon has probably seen it, bought the t-shirt, left a rating. As he scrolls, Namjoon’s cursor lands on a category he admits is rather alien: Verified Couples.

Not that Namjoon is at all against love- in actual fact, he thinks that is what he yearns for most of all. Somebody he can take care of, and look after, and wake up in the morning next to and stroke hair from their face, all whilst simultaneously being able to shove their faces into the mattress and fuck them, and be fucked. He’s just never explored the Verified Couples section, because honestly, he thinks he might get a little jealous of either either party in the video. What if the girl is the hottest woman he’s ever seen before, and she’s being dominated by a guy Namjoon knows from three seconds isn’t good for her? And what if the sexiest man alive is wasting his time with a selfish girl who only cares about herself?

Regardless, Namjoon decides that today, this Friday of April, he is going to explore this category like Lara Croft in a new tomb.

He clicks, unbothered, and scrolls for a few seconds. Nothing is catching his eye; none of these thumbnails show him anything he’s never seen before, and they’re all painfully mediocre and white, some just plain weird with titles like “Abusing my husband with feet!”, which is certainly not going to make him feel good tonight. After a minute or two of bored searching, Namjoon almost realises why he never dapples into this section of porn when he pauses, mildly interested in a thumbnail and a title reading, “Rough sex with my girlfriend.”

The sight of the thumbnail takes his breath away; a man, with unbelievably toned thighs and a gorgeous curved ass holds his girlfriend like she is the last thing alive on the planet, his arms wrapped around her body, the skin bunching up like old Greek statues you’d find in galleries. She is made of marble and the guy is the sculptor, breathing life into her skin as he, from the thumbnail, holds her side with his left and her small tit with his right. The thumbnail moves as he hovers the cursor over it, and for a short few seconds, Namjoon watches the boy’s hand move from her tit to her throat, and the muscles in his hand suggest he is holding tightly, his hips meeting hers in a sweet kiss as she matches his thrusts.

Namjoon can already feel the discomfort tenting in his joggers and he clicks the video without a minute of hesitation.

It begins like most pornos, the sight of the boyfriend’s enlarged cock at the bottom of the frame, the delightful view of a V-line and honey abs filling the screen for a moment as the boyfriend fiddles with the camera of amazing quality. In the background, Namjoon sees the girlfriend, her body dressed in pointless coral lingerie, the sight of perked nipples soaking through and faded bites on her collarbones. Before enlarging the video, Namjoon checks the uploader: koopid. The bio reading, Fucking Y/N until she cries for me to cum inside her, signed by Jeongguk. Now he’s familiar with names, and it feels as though he’s watching in through the window, hiding behind curtains as Jeongguk fucks the living shit out of his unbelievably cute girlfriend Y/N.

“Mmm, you look so pretty, baby girl.”

Namjoon notes how sweet the unknown Jeongguk sounds, almost as if his voice had been dunked in honey, and his words were the glump of thick substance dripping down. He sucks in a breath when Jeongguk comes into view, naked for the world to see, a smile on his face Namjoon believes was made for him. He’s boyish enough for Namjoon to enjoy, and he leans back, allowing the couple to do what they intend to do.

“So fucking pretty,” Jeongguk comments between his teeth, his fingers looping around your underwear. “Who bought you this?”

“You did,” you reply, shimmying to aid Jeongguk as he slowly pulls your panties down the length of your thighs, smooth and newly shaved. Namjoon can see a shine. Marble. “Do you like it?”

“Mm, that’s right. I love it, baby,” Jeongguk says, lifting you with ease up and out of the panties, already relatively soaked from whatever foreplay he did beforehand to get you hot and flustered. “Are you gonna let me fuck you tonight, for everybody to see?”

A gasp leaves your lips. “Yes.”

“Yes, what?” he murmurs in reply.

“Yes, Daddy.”

“Mm, good girl. You’re so good,” Jeongguk praises, kissing beneath your chin and encircling your arms around you. You grab onto his biceps for balance as he smooches the skin, with one swift movement setting you down on your back onto the plush pastels of the bedsheets, a whitewashed blue with pretty tiled patterns on the pillows. You lie there, staring at Jeongguk as he shadows over you, a hand on either side of your body. The muscles in his back flinch as he moves downwards in a curve, kissing a messy line from your chin to your sternum, leaving behind a visibly wet trail Namjoon follows with his eyes. “You’re so good for Daddy, aren’t you?”

“Yes, only for you, Daddy,” you squeak out, like a little kitten, a strangled and high-pitched moan leaving your lips as Jeongguk licks a line between your breasts, one hand palming a tit in circles, his thumb rubbing your nipple beneath the lace of the bralette. “Only for you.”

“I know,” Jeongguk acknowledges, rising up when he realises he’s prolonging things. “Keep being good for me, okay, baby?”

You mewl with a nod as he continues, getting off from his words, a vocal God, “you gonna let Daddy have your sweet little pussy, hm? Let me fill you up with my cock, fill your pussy with Daddy’s cum?”

“Please,” you breathe out, arching your back up as Jeongguk removes the bra with one hand, taunting his experience to the audience and helping you slip out of it, your perked breasts sloping upwards like tiny mountains, a delicious treat for Daddy. He contains a groan. Tonight, he wants to be mean. Tonight, Jeongguk wants to have you all, every inch of you, he wants to shove his cock so far inside of you that it hurts. For the first time on his channel, Jeongguk wants to be rough. He wants to put on a show, show everybody who you belong to. “Please. I want it- I want you to fuck me.”

Jeongguk palmed your breasts for a while longer, deciding what he was going to do with you. After a very short briefing in his head, Jeongguk hummed to himself as if thoughtfully pleased and moved between your legs, satisfied and proud when you spread them open for him. He let out a hiss between his teeth, looking at the wetness pooling between your legs.

“My, my,” Jeongguk comments. “All this for me?”

“All for you,” you confirm. He is so close, his touch burning, and you rise off the mattress impatiently, whining loudly. “Please, Daddy. I need you.”

Jeongguk makes a noise with his mouth, as if disappointed. He isn’t, but he knows how to push your buttons. He knows what to do and when to do it to get a reaction. “I don’t think you deserve my cock just yet. Daddy needs to hear what you want him to do to your precious little pussy. Hm? Tell me, tell me what you want me to do, baby.”

Namjoon thumbs his head, rubbing pre-cum like it was a new lotion. His cock was throbbing, pulsing as if breathing on its own.

“Please,” you begin, your voice enough for Namjoon to wrap his fingers around his cock in anticipation, “I need your cock inside of me. I want you to fuck me, until I can’t walk. Please, please, you own me. You own my pussy. Ugh- I need-to feel you inside of me.”

Jeongguk almost has the nerve to look unsatisfied, but he reckons, and only because he knows the ratings depend on it, that he’s prolonged it enough. He knows what everyone’s here for. Even though he does, nobody else cares about what you have to say. He pretends to think about it, humming once more before smiling, dragging you down the mattress by your thighs so your wet cunt is closer to his dick. You writhe with anticipation as Jeongguk massages his cock for a few moments, sucking in a breath and then positioning the tip near your entrance. He’s going in raw today.

Underneath him, you moan as it teasingly prods at your entrance, throbbing for his length. From where he kneels between your opened legs, Jeongguk stares at your hair dancing around your head like a halo, the blush burning on your cheeks. With his mouth open with admiration, his heart widening out of pure love, Jeongguk remembers what he’s doing and without warning, shoves his cock inside, without giving you the chance to grow accustomed to his hardened length.

He’s big- Namjoon, behind the screen, can see that.

Beneath his body, and heavily breathing torso, you cry out with pleasure, a large and loud moan ripping out into the silence of your bedroom. It sounds like Heaven to everybody’s ears, Jeongguk responding with a grunt of pride, knowing only he can make you feel this good. He pulls out and thrusts back in roughly, without caring for how it hurts. From the angle of the camera, Namjoon gets a good view of Jeongguk’s dick pushing in and out of your hole, that tiny hole Namjoon thought nothing could ever get inside. He watches with wonder, his expression like a child in a sweets shop, as Jeongguk pulls you closer to him, pushing deeper inside.

“Feel good?” Jeongguk asks through laboured breaths.

“Yes!” you squeeze out, tightening around him. “Oh, yes!”

“Mm, you like Daddy’s cock?”

“I love your cock,” you rush out. “I love Daddy’s cock so much.”

“Hmm,” Jeongguk replies happily, the praise making his chest inflate with adoration and confidence. “I love how you take my cock, baby. Your pussy is so pretty with my cock inside.”

You fall silently shortly after that, save the erotic groans and moans and the distinct clapping of skin, like an applause for all your hard work. Namjoon pumps his own dick desperately, his eyes flitting from your face to your tits, the right cupped by Jeongguk’s large hand and the other bouncing gorgeously in the light, to the way Jeongguk’s ass clenches as he finds a new spot to abuse inside of you, a new spot to send you yelling out with pleasure; Namjoon shakily breaths out a moan as he stares at your gaping cunt, wet and glistening like a 90’s edit from Tumblr, Jeongguk’s dick moving in and out with wet sounds.

Jeongguk changes the pace, quickening his thrusts as if it doesn’t even matter. He gets drunk off the reaction, grinning with a soft chuckle as you cling to his skin like letting go will kill you, each thrust met with a yelp that increases in pitch and volume. Namjoon knows how this looks and sounds, but he doesn’t care anyway. His laptop is on its side as Namjoon frantically pulls his joggers down to pool around his ankles, his red and angry cock snuggling into his hand as he watches the pair of you, entangled together, lovers, in a sort of love Namjoon can’t even wet dream of having. He looks at the screen through a blurry gaze and sees you writhing with pleasure, tears slowly pulling down your flamed cheeks.

“O-oh, right there!” you mewl, your hands clenching around the skin on Jeongguk’s thighs. “Oh my God, Jeongguk, right there.”

He visibly falters, as if the screen glitched, and the hand wrapped around your tit moves up to your throat. The thumbnail- Namjoon groans out loud at the thought, remembering how it went. Jeongguk wraps his hand around your throat, his thumb where it needs to be, his eyes glued to your face observing your reaction. He wants to test how far you can go. He wants to make you cry, and hurt. He wants you to feel humiliated, embarrassed by how you beg for him to keep going deeper, faster, rougher. Jeongguk feels like a church-boy discovering sex for the first time, testing the waters on how many sins he can break before his Priest father comes into the room.

“Who said you could call me that?” Jeongguk sneers, his hand tightening slightly. You moan around the struggle, your eyes lidded and heavy with the euphoric weight of sex. “Hm?” Jeongguk’s hips stutter faster, rougher, sharply hitting a spot that sends you in a squealing mess.

“I-I’m sorry, Daddy,” you gasp. “‘m sorry. I won’t do it again. I’ll be good.”

“You’ve disappointed me,” Jeongguk admits. Then, quite suddenly, he stops moving, the absence of his pace sending you writhing with anxiousness. The threatening orgasm begs to spill over, like a nearly full glass that needs a few more drops before overflowing from the top. “You gonna make it up to me, little one?”

You nod against the sheets. “Yes, Daddy. I promise I’ll be good.”

“Okay, baby girl,” he agrees, He sits back on his heels and Namjoon watches with agonising anticipation as Jeongguk sits between his own legs, his feet behind him, pulling you from the mattress onto his lap where your own legs wrap around his tiny waist. “Fuck yourself on Daddy’s cock.”

Like a good girl, you don’t need to be told twice. Namjoon finds out from the way you look at your boyfriend between barely open eyes that you’re a total cockslut; you wrap your arms around Jeongguk loosely as you sit back down on his cock, like it’s your throne and you own it. It takes a moment for you to readjust to his size, sucking in a breath and rising up and down on it, doing all the work as Jeongguk watches with his tongue between his teeth, his arms up with palms flat on your back.

“Hmm, show everybody how good my cock makes you feel,” he instructs, moving his mouth to your nipple and giving it a light suck. It’s as if he’s taking a toothless bite out of a whip of ice cream, getting a taste before going in for the whole thing. He looks up at you between his thick eyelashes, “go on. Show them who’s making you feel good.” With one hand, Jeongguk kindly wipes away the tears from your face. “Don’t even think about cumming. You haven’t earned it.”

Namjoon can feel his body deepening with a hot flush as he watches- perhaps not entirely with want but with need, a need to be loved and fucked and held the way you are. He never realised how much he needed koopid in his life until he stumbled across it, and his heart panics with an unfamiliar lust when you rock your head back and look shyly at the camera.

Namjoon can see now that your face is hot, sweaty slightly and tear-stained, your lips swollen from whatever foreplay Jeongguk failed to include in the video. He doesn’t care- he’s torn between looking at your eyes and your tits, bouncing around Jeongguk’s lips, or your ass, moving with each deep sit you take on Jeongguk’s dick, his length buried in your warm cunt. He wants to see more; he wants to see your pussy stuffed with dick, he wants to see the cum pour out of you slowly like cake mixture. With his hand moving quickly up and down his own length, Namjoon can feel the nerves twisting inside of him, like the rise in volume slowly creeping, his orgasm nearing. You lift yourself up and down on Jeongguk’s dick like you were made for it, like you were the only person worthy of sitting on it.

“Dirty little slut, being selfish with my cock,” Jeongguk words around your nipple. “Huh? Look at you, taking in all my cock like a big brave girl. Bet everyone wants to see your pretty pussy.”

Yes, Namjoon says to himself. Please. Please.

“Do you want that?” he edges. “Want everyone to see how red and stretched your hole is for me?”

You don’t reply, stubbornly, fucking yourself onto Jeongguk’s dick like its your life’s purpose. Jeongguk doesn’t want to show people. He doesn’t want them to see everything on this one video- if they want to see your pussy stretched out and pretty for them, then they can check out your other videos. Namjoon’s a porn connoisseur; he know looks, and he knows that’s what Jeongguk wants as he glances you up and down and then at the camera. He smiles smugly, and the audience suddenly know it too. He’s not going to give you what you want. It’s his turn to be selfish. Namjoon moans out loud.

“Tell me baby,” Jeongguk asks, “what you want?”

“Please-please,” you gasp out, “please c-cum inside of me. Please. Please- oh, Guk, please, baby. I’m close. Please cum in me-fill me up?”

Jeongguk kisses your breast. “Do you deserve it, princess?”

“Y-yes, I do,” you reply. “I’ve been good for Daddy. I’m Daddy’s good little girl.”

“Mmm, you are,” he agrees. He kisses your breast sweetly once more, looking up to kiss you round on the lips. Around him, you groan, sending butterfly kisses across his lips and he smiles, half forgetting what he’s doing. From his smelly bedroom, Namjoon thinks it’s sweet. He wants to cum so badly.

“Okay, honey. I’ll cum inside of you this once,” Jeongguk complies. He pulls you flush against his chest, rearranging himself inside of you and then lifting his hips to match your rhythm. “Are you gonna be good for me?” You reply with moans.

Namjoon moves his hand so fast- he pumps his dick with a quicker speed, his mouth hanging agape as you moan sweetly above Jeongguk’s forehead, and then slowly look to the side at the camera, daring the audience, staring into the lens and by extension, right into Namjoon’s eyes. He wants to fall inside the screen, and rip you out of Jeongguk’s hands. He wants to be the one inside you. He also wants to be the one around Jeongguk, feeling his big dick stretch him out. Namjoon cries out- porn was so unfair.

“Bet you’d like that, you little slut,” Jeongguk grins, “wouldn’t you? Letting Daddy fill you up with his cum. Yeah? You want me to do that, put all my sperm inside you and make a baby?”

“Mmh, Jeongguk!”

“Look at you,” he continues, laughing slightly. “Look at how you take me. Your tiny little hole.” He scoffs with affection, “You’re a mess, baby. My little baby, taking my cock so well. I’m so proud of you.”

You cling to your boyfriend, your jaw slack as you groan and stare at the camera. Namjoon can feel his stomach twisting, his hands cupping at his balls for relief, imagining that one hand is you, and the other Jeongguk. He can feel his heart in his ears and his throat; Jeongguk buries himself deeper inside of you, gripping at your marble skin to drag you down and up onto his dick, the slapping skin no match for the moans pouring from your lips, and faintly, he can make out Jeongguk’s own moans, slightly high and breathy, indicating the end is near. Namjoon doesn’t know what to focus on.

Still watching the camera, you shake your head back and move one hand to Jeongguk’s throat, clenching it to hear him groan out with pleasure and pain beneath you, your face scrunching up as you slam yourself down onto his dick. It’s rough and wet with sounds that fill Namjoon’s ears, and Jeongguk’s hand comes down like a whip to smack your ass, a boob filling his face as you arch up with each smack, girlish moans escaping free. Namjoon can taste salt in his mouth, and blood from biting down on the inside of his cheek, and he almost screams out about how unfair life is because koopid is there and he is here, when you bow your head to Jeongguk and shiver.

“I wanna cum, Jeongguk,” you beg. “Please, baby.”

Jeongguk cocks his head with sudden kindness. “Okay, baby. I’ll let you cum. Cum for me, cum around my dick.”

Threefold sounds fill the remaining seconds; you cry out with relief and pleasure as you spill cum around Jeongguk’s dick, the white substance trickling down the running vein that pulses and Jeongguk stuffs his face in your neck, and Namjoon back home yells out with abused satisfaction, closing his eyes as his own relief spills out on his stomach and bedsheets, his fingers soaked with his own cum. He breathes in the fantasy of seeing his own cum pouring out of you, the way Jeongguk does once you’ve fucked yourself tired on top of him, and he lifts you up by your thighs to marvel as the sliding semen down your legs, clumped in your hole, dripping like a tap. Jeongguk’s dick vibrates between his legs and twitches at the sight. He doesn’t show the audience. They don’t deserve to see you. They don’t deserve to see what he’s done to you.

Jeongguk doesn’t even say goodbye; he lets the audience and his girlfriend catch their breath before he smiles down at you, adoringly, praises your hard work and shuffles himself towards the camera, where the sight of his shit-eating grin leaves Namjoon with a prickle of hot frustration that hurts when the video rolls to an end, with no flashy end credits or promotion. Just a black screen with his own idiot reflection staring back at him.

Namjoon needs more. His dick hurts and his head throbs, but he needs more- he physically needs to see more. His hands tremble as he clicks on koopid’s profile, observing the fifteen videos you have public. He doesn’t need to watch them all tonight, saving them for his lonely evenings, but he does click on “creampie in my girlfriends cute pussy”.

He knows it’s worth the overstimulation when he gets five minutes in and sees you squirt, unexpectedly, onto Jeongguk’s face and the bedsheets. Aside from the view and the surprised gasp that is ripped from your mouth, Namjoon hears Jeongguk’s throaty chuckle up close and personal, and he sees Jeongguk’s cocky smirk now that the boy has set the camera to the side, giving Namjoon a beautiful view of your cunt and the side of Jeongguk’s wet face.

He doesn’t know what to do with himself when Jeongguk manoeuvres himself back between your legs and thrusts, the sight of your cock-filled hole and the curve of Jeongguk’s toned ass filling his screen. Jeongguk cums noisily; he groans gruffly, sounding intimidating and the blood rushes to Namjoon’s cock and he cums unexpectedly, missing the grand finale of when Jeongguk pulls out after filling you up with his cum.

He grins to himself and moves the camera so everybody can see how pretty it looks; Namjoon stares, milking his own high, looking at how Jeongguk’s cum leaks out of you slowly. You’re filled with it, the dried mess staining your skin and your body rising with deep and heavy breaths. It’s pink and abused, your hole wide and clenching almost with each breath. Jeongguk’s hand comes into view, the other holding the camera shakily, and he pulls apart your lips to show the sight clearly. His fingertip curls around the substance and as you lift yourself up onto your elbows, Jeongguk switches for two fingers, lapping up the escaping cum and shoving it right in your mouth and on your tongue.

Namjoon cums again. It’s the third time he’s came this evening, and it’s the first time he’s ever added a channel to his favourites.

He’s not sure what it is about koopid that makes him feel so fucking good, but when Jeongguk heaves himself down next to you and flips the camera, showing the unfair gorgeousness of the pair of you fucked out next to each other, your hair slightly in Jeongguk’s mouth, Namjoon knows he wants more. He needs more. He doesn’t care if Sunmi calls him sad, but, Namjoon knows that there is nothing on Earth that can cure the want and need he has for koopid.

Jeongguk grins to the camera, looking at you against the sheets and Namjoon can see in his eyes the way he is so in love with you. You smile too, kissing his lips and curling up against his neck and the last thing Namjoon sees before his own dumb reflection again is Jeongguk smirking at the audience before leaving. Jeongguk knows what he has and how lucky he is. Namjoon isn’t sure how to feel when he realises that he’ll never have what you and Jeongguk have. He feels empty and pathetic with his cock out and a black screen looking at him.

He’s not sure who he’s jealous of. Jeongguk, for getting to stuff his fat cock into your hole and seeing you, hearing you, feeling you on a daily basis. Or you, for getting fucked relentlessly and lovingly by the best looking man he thinks he has ever seen. Maybe it’s both.

(It’s definitely both.)

[h-sleepingirl]

“9 Persisting Misconceptions About Hypnosis”

A zine by sleepingirl and GleefulAbandon

(Access the downloadable and nicely formatted Google Doc here!)

Hey, there! Have you been turned on to the wonders of hypnokink? Do you feel like you've just had a bucket of shibboleths and tips and bits of wisdom dumped over your head, and they are now slowly dripping down your back? Are you thinking to yourself, "OK, I am finally getting the hang of this erotic hypnosis thing?"

Not so fast! Odds are a lot of the information you've received is, while given in good faith, mired in assumptions about the nature of hypnosis and the human mind that are not empirically true! And the kicker about a practice that takes advantage of suggestibility is that buying into these can make them more true! How’s that for a mental rut?

Here are 9 myths about hypnosis you are likely to encounter in your freaky journey!

(Full disclosure: We are experienced hypnotic players who are constantly exploring and growing, and we recognize that not everyone may share our perspective on all of these. But when we accept the oft-repeated principles we hear as incontrovertible truth without questioning them, we risk building a wall between us and further learning about the amazing, weird things we can do with our brains! This is not meant to disparage any person for their beliefs or experiences, and we welcome feedback and discussion!)

1. All hypnosis is self-hypnosis.

Yep, and all pain you feel when someone punches you in the thigh is your own brain making pain happen. CURSE YOU, BRAIN!

This tends to be an idiom that can cause more harm than good. It’s clearly not an empirical statement (how could it be?) though it is often taken as one. On the surface, it’s well-intentioned and trying to convey that subjects have agency and hypnosis isn’t mind control like you see in the movies. However, while it's good to know that subjects have the ability to cultivate a real sense of self-sufficiency, it minimizes connection with the hypnotist and the power that can be exchanged. Hypnosis is collaborative, and the hypnotist’s behavior absolutely affects trance, whether positively, or in bad situations, negatively! It takes two to do hypnosis with two, full stop.

When you hear this phrase, ask yourself, what is really being communicated here?

2. Hypnosis is distinctly different than meditation, subspace, etc.

Different how, exactly? Sexiness is not sufficient here, kids.

Well, here's a whole can of worms: Hypnosis as defined by hypnokink practitioners tends to be a wider umbrella than the clinical definition of hypnosis. There is also the concept of hypnosis as an altered state and then the concept of hypnosis as a set of practices. Pretty much any altered state could be called hypnosis when kinksters use it in hypnokink to commit dastardly deeds. Same with the (extraordinarily broad) set of practices that we take advantage of to fuck with brains.

Here’s the thing: hypnosis isn’t just one solid thing or state with one solid set of rules. Trance and brainfuckery are dynamic! We don’t really even have a great way of defining suggestibility, because we know that shoving someone into an altered state and then telling them, “You will experience xyz” is not really sufficient. And of course, a lot of stuff can get done outside of a traditional “trance.” Where is the line?

Spoilers: Any line we make is subjective. Meditation, when you potentially put yourself in an altered state and change the way you focus pretty much fits under that umbrella, too.

3. You can't make someone do something they "don't want to do" or go against "core values" with hypnosis.

We do things we don't want to do all the time, starting each day from when we wake up when our alarms go off. People drink alcohol and do things they wouldn't have otherwise done. People are talked into buying things they don’t want or need, or making complex decisions that don’t always have their best interests at heart. Not to mention that our broad-strokes “core beliefs” are changeable, sometimes with just a simple shift in perspective.

Human beings are dynamic and complex and exciting creatures, and we don't have a black box inside of us with ideas that are immutable to us. Change in belief and behavior is a part of how we function, and that’s WITHOUT hypnosis! Once again, this myth is well-intentioned, but an oversimplification that can backfire if someone is trying to process why they experienced a hypnotic scene differently than they thought they would.

4. Depth is the key to suggestibility.

Here's an idea: A swear jar but you have to put money in every time someone asks if they were "deep enough." Depth is a metaphor, but it's a useful one! It relates to your own subjective trance experience and how you experience intensifying it, which is hugely important self-knowledge. But it is not quantifiable, and there is not a simple correlation between depth and ability to access more trance phenomena. As with many things in hypnosis, it’s different for everyone and can be different at different times based on a huge number of variables.

And on that note…

5. Suggestibility scales are legit.

"But wait!" You might say, "These have been studied! What about things like the Stanford Susceptibility Scale?"

They're bad.

Academics, in good faith, tried to impose objective rules on altered states that run on the subjectivity and diversity of the human mind. People are different. Subjects are different. Alas, researchers at Stanford in 1959 (yes, that long ago) were mystified by this concept. And still, so are some today.

Really, Stanford peeps, amnesia is the most hypnotized a person can get? Some folks lose memories in trance right away but won't take to certain hallucinations. And some hallucinations are easier for some folks than others. Trying to create hypnotic rules for how hypnotizable you are is a losing game.

But speaking of different kinds of hallucinations...

6. Working with someone’s “primary modality” is the key to effective hypnosis.

The idea that of the five senses we each have one primary one that aids in our learning and that is best used to create hypnotic states and phenomena is not only limiting, it’s been debunked time and time again. The concept of “modalities” that is so prevalent in the erotic hypnosis world comes directly from NLP, where Richard Bandler and John Grinder stated that we had primary modalities — a “Preferred Representational System.” However, just like with learning styles, study after study after study has found no supporting evidence of this. In fact, in the ‘80s (yes, that long ago), Bandler himself said that this idea was no longer emphasized in NLP (regardless of the fact that it is still pervasive today).

And beyond this, yeah, you could spend your time using only visual cues and visual words and creating visual hallucinations, or you could actually utilize multiple senses, because spoiler alert that is how human beings experience the world. You're not trying to find a secret code that unlocks a shortcut to being a better subject, you're Dora the Goddamned Explorer and it's not just about finding the thing at the end; it's about chilling with Boots and Map.

7. “iM tOo AnAlYtIcAl To Be HyPnOtIzEd”

Also going in the swear jar is anyone saying they have trouble being hypnotized because they're "too analytical." Bruh. Hypnosis is not a game of chess wherein the hypnotist out-logics the subject to get them to comply. It's engaging your brain and letting you do more with it than you thought possible. This is definitely not downplaying the experience of people who have had a difficult time getting the experiences they are searching for, but more about The System(ic misunderstanding pervading hypnokink culture) getting us all down.

Being “thinky” doesn’t mean someone can’t be hypnotized (hypnosis =/= not thinking or altered thinking), it just means that you both use what you’ve got — hypnotist AND subject. Analyzing something doesn’t make it impossible to trance. Hypnosis should not be synonymous with “letting go.” It’s about changes in focus and engagement, oftentimes really subtle, especially for subjects who have preconceived notions of what it’s going to feel like. It’s dynamic, it doesn’t mean laser focus, and it sure as hell doesn’t mean blank-minded.

Subjects: Learn to love the way you analyze; notice shifts and changes, use it to be open to learning about how hypnosis feels for you as opposed to what you expect it to feel like. Understanding what your real subjective responses are is key to growing.

Hypnotists: While it might be helpful for some people, stop assuming that you necessarily have to overload or confuse them to get to the holy hypnotic grail of mindlessness; utilize their internal responses for the trance!

Here's a secret: If a hypnotist calls someone a "difficult subject," they mean they failed to connect with their partner in a way that they deemed hypnotic enough. This is on them, not the subject.

8. Your subconscious is like a quiet roommate chilling inside your head.

The metaphor of your subconscious (or unconscious mind) as someone with whom you can communicate is a useful one for a lot of people! It can put you in touch with how you're feeling and processing, and create fun surprises no one might expect. But it's just that: a metaphor. Your brain is not a director and an actor; it’s a beautifully complex amalgam of experiences and observations. You can play with treating your subconscious as a person, but recognize that there's not literally a man behind a curtain, and recognize that your interpretation of it might be flawed (i.e., don’t use your “unconscious mind” to negotiate under the assumption that this conscious personification is faultless and somehow knows better than you do).

9. Abreactions.

This is a huge one, and another one where the hypnosis scene has deviated from psychology (sometimes a good thing!). Clinically, an abreaction is a response with some emotional connection, and is in fact often used as a tool to create breakthroughs in therapy. In the hypnokink Scene, “abreaction” has also become a boogeyman, a synonym for "freak out.”

Can folks freak out during a hypnosis scene? Sure! Can they freak out during an impact scene? Of course! Can they freak out in the dairy aisle of the supermarket because the wrong song starts playing on the loudspeaker? Also, yes. But an abreaction isn't technically synonymous with freak-out. Technically, a giggle-fit during hypnosis can be an abreaction.

Here’s the thing: it might even be OK to appropriate the term “abreaction” to mean “negative reaction” in the hypnokink community, but we have to stop making that interchangeable with “unexpected reaction.” Of course a negative reaction is unexpected. But that doesn’t mean all unexpected reactions are negative. They happen absolutely all the time in hypnosis; demonizing all of them is unhealthy and unrealistic.

Well-intentioned practitioners of erotic hypnosis have put all their safety eggs in one basket: Caution against causing an abreaction, end the scene when you do, and you've accounted for the worst. But this is a scene that traffics in suggestibility; when you make out abreactions to be this looming, awful risk, you bring them to the fore, and when both players assume that that means an unexpected reaction is cause for panic, it creates unwarranted anxiety and problems. Not to mention that it greatly hinders the breadth and depth of what you can achieve together.

In short, you can and should learn to navigate emotional vulnerability and be confident and flexible in handling your partners’ responses, no matter how unexpected or intense they are. We're here for those reactions, folks, and not all of them are to be feared and fixed.

Sleepingirl is a switchy writer, presenter, and podcaster who joined the public kink scene in 2012. She’s had a life-long hypnofetish and is way too interested in brainwashing. She did the doodles for this zine, and look out for her Brainwashing Book coming soon! Check out her hypnokink podcast at twohypchicks.simplecast.fm and follow her: Twitter @h_sleepingirl, Tumblr @h-sleepingirl, FetLife @sleepingirl

GleefulAbandon is a queer, submissive hypnofetishist. She joined the BDSM/Hypnokink Scene in 2012, and teaches and writes about hypnosis from the subject’s perspective. She’s a sucker for a pocket watch. @gleefulabandon

[uncloseted]

lately i've been VERY confused about gender and sexuality (not mine, just in general, although more on that later). so i always called myself a lesbian because it made sense, im a girl i like girls. about 2 years ago i had a lot of internalized homophobia and i tried to be as feminine as i could so people would think i was straight. and i remember one time i thought "what if i'm a trans man and i'm doing this because i feel like i have something to prove". +

but then i thought "nah, i can't be a man (or non binary) i like girly things too much". but that's awful too. ellen always wears suits and has short hair and she's still a woman. jeffree star likes girly things and he's a man. but now i don't even know what IS a girl/woman. i mean i didn't choose to be a woman and i never had a chance to be anything else. but i don't think i ever wanted to be. even if i identified as "agender" and i still looked and acted the way i do know, society would still

be seeing and oppressing me as a woman, so at least to me, personally, it feels useless. but also, a lot of nb people (most of them are afab) identify as lesbians. it's very confusing. i never had any kind of dysphoria although i felt uncomfortable with my body, periods, and sex but i always thought it was because of shyness, anxiety, internalized homophobia, insecurities and beauty standards. and i have a friend who's studying psychology in university and she told me dysphoria does not exist

trans girls. i think it depends on, like, how "far" they are in their transition?. i think i could be attracted, physically and emotionally but i couldn't have sex with someone with a penis. and i know even the most trans-positive people will tell you that it's ok to have a genital preference and not want to date trans people. but it still makes me feel horrible because it's like i'm seeing nb people as "more woman" than trans women. but also in all honesty it's very hard to "tell" cis people

from nb people. if you showed me a picture of jeffree star and jonathan van ness (or elena and syd from one day at a time, or amandla stenberg and king princess, or sam smith and harry styles) and asked me which one is nb, i wouldn't know. i would probably say jeffree. so i agree that monosexual (straight/gay) people will inevitably be attracted to nbs because nb is a spectrum, and also some people (I think all of us, in some way? maybe it's a controversial opinion) are gender non-conforming but

but don't identify as nb. does that mean we should change the definitions of gay/lesbian, since any gender could have any type of body and look as feminine and/or masculine as they want? do sam smith, jvn, vander von odd/sasha velour/gigi goode (all genderfluid drag artists) have male privilege despite not being men?. should we change the words feminism, sexism, misogyny, male privilege, etc for something more accurate?. honeslty i think a lot of this confusion is actually intrusive thoughts

and me just being an overthinker in general but it's been causing me so much distress that now every pronoun feels wrong and i can't even masturbate. please forgive the rambling, the buts, the incoherence and the ignorance. thanks in advance. oh and please tell me if this comes through in pieces and i will send them again

So there’s a ton to unpack here, but for the record, I’ve had this exact train of thought, too.

I want to preface my answer by saying that I’m not a gender scholar and I haven’t read nearly as many academic works as I’d like to on this subject, so this is coming very much from my personal opinions and less from an evidence-based/academic place. I also want to say that if pressed, I would describe myself as a pansexual gender anarchist (as in, attracted to people for who they are instead of their parts and I think we should get rid of the concept of gender entirely), but I think that sounds a bit wanky, especially since it has almost zero bearing on my everyday life. So I think the concept of sexuality and gender is maybe different to me than it is to other people, and my perspective on this topic might be unusual in that sense.  If anyone reading this thinks what I’m saying is bullshit or problematic, please join in the conversation! I would love to hear what you have to say.

For me, the more I think about gender and sexuality, the more i don’t really “get” either concept. Gender has begun to feel (to me) like one of those Buzzfeed quizzes where you answer a bunch of questions and they’re like, “you’re rocky road ice cream” and you’re like, “I have no idea what that implies except for it’s the collection of traits I chose from the options above”.  

What I mean by that is that gender is a social construct. No traits are inherently masculine or feminine- things that are considered masculine in one culture can be feminine in another and vice versa. 

Especially now, when we’re really moving towards disentangling gender from our world, I wonder what’s left to take the place of those items to define what gender is.  Gender used to be like “feminine is cleaning, nurturing, creating (or Barbie dolls, dresses, and makeup), and masculine is destruction, being powerful, and being ambitious (or football, beer, and video games)”, but clearly that’s not what it means anymore. Ellen’s suits are feminine suits by virtue of the fact that she IDs as female, even though suits used to be considered a male thing.  Jeffree Star’s makeup looks are male makeup looks by virtue of the fact that he IDs as male, even though makeup used to be considered a female thing.  I’ve heard some people say that there are as many genders as there are people in the world. At that point I think we’re just using the word “gender” as a synonym for “personality”, which is fine, but I think we need to be clear about our definitions and what these words now mean and imply about a person.

Going along that train of thought, if gendered words don’t really mean anything anymore, I don’t see the point as identifying as a particular gender, at last not in the abstract.  In practice, our world still sees gender and cares about it, and other people’s interpretation of our gender has very real consequences.  As you say, even if you identified as agender, society would treat you as a woman because you present in a way society considers to be “traditionally feminine”, and as a result, you would be oppressed in the same way women are.  This is why I said that my position on gender impacts my life zero percent.  I can identify as a gender anarchist all I want, but at the end of the day I still get passed up for opportunities because the way I present is read as female.  Likewise, nonbinary people who were assigned male at birth do have a degree of male privilege (or at least, can access male privilege), depending on how well they “pass” as a man.  Sam Smith likely still experiences some male privilege, because they look (most of the time) like what society might consider traditionally male.  Someone like JVN probably passes less frequently, due to his long hair and frequent wearing of what we might think of as traditionally female clothing (skirts and dresses and high heels).  However, the flip side of that is both Sam Smith and JVN risk being even more marginalized than female identifying, female presenting people when they do dress in a gender non-conforming way, because nonbinary identities are less understood and less accepted than female identities are. 

So now that we’ve considered what gender means in relation to society, maybe let’s consider it in relation to our bodies and sexuality.  This is a bit of a minefield so I’m going to try to tread carefully, but again, feel free to call me out if I say something problematic... 

I don’t think being uncomfortable with your body, especially feminine features of your body that are widely looked down upon (for example, periods) or sexualized (physical features like boobs, butts, hips) necessarily makes a person trans or nonbinary.  As you say, those feelings can be a result of shyness, anxiety, internalized homophobia, insecurities, beauty standards, and dozens of other things.  However, it is something many trans or nonbinary individuals experience.  So the question then becomes, where are those feelings of discomfort coming from?  Are they internal to you (as in, your body physically feels like there’s something wrong/those features shouldn’t be there) or external (you feel shame for having those features because of the society you grew up in)?  It can be really hard to detangle internal influences from external ones, given that people who are assigned female at birth learn to hate our femininity and female bodies from a very young age.

I would say that if those feelings are internal to you, then that’s what referred to as gender dysphoria.  Gender dysphoria is a real, ICD and DSM diagnosable condition, and there’s some evidence to suggest that there’s a neurobiological basis for it.  My (very controversial) hypothesis is that gender dysphoria is like other body integrity identity disorders, where there’s a mismatch between the brain’s map of the body and what the physical body actually looks like.  I want to make it clear here that I don’t think being trans is a disorder.  I don’t think it’s bad or that all people who are trans have a body integrity disorder.  I don’t think you need to physically transition to be trans, or that we should pathologize gender/gender expression, or that gender is a binary (hopefully that last one is obvious).  I just think if society has less stringent gender divisions and a less binary understanding of gender, fewer people would physically transition, but some people would still experience a mismatch between their idea of how their body’s sexual characteristics should look and how they physically are.

So then, what does that mean for our terminology?  I think in the context of a world where the meaning of gender is changing, gay and lesbian just refer to genitals (people with penises attracted to people with penises and people with vaginas attracted to people with vaginas, respectively).  Or perhaps we need to separate it out further- maybe you can be romantically and physically attracted to female and male presenting people, but sexually attracted to only vaginas.  Maybe that would fill the gap between being interested in a person romantically and being interested in having sex with their genitals, where you’re attracted to someone without yet knowing what’s in their pants?  In general, though, I think labels should exist to be useful.  I don’t know how useful it is to have a term for “I'm attracted to you, given that you have the genitals I’m sexually attracted to.”

I think under that framework of centering labels like gay and lesbian on genitals, a lot more people are pansexual than would identify that way if you took a poll right now.  In general, I think a lot of people never recognize that they’re pansexual because they aren’t in contact with nonbinary or trans people that they’re attracted to frequently enough to know they don’t actually care about genital preferences.

When talking about other labels like feminism (the advocacy for AFAB and female-identifying/presenting rights), sexism (prejudice, stereotyping, or discrimination, generally towards female identifying/presenting people. but also towards gender nonconforming people), misogyny (dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against AFAB and female identifying/presenting people), male privilege (the system of advantages or rights that are available to men and male identifying/presenting people solely on the basis of their sex/gender presentation), etc., I think those terms refer to the societal construct of sex/gender that is still prevalent in our culture.  We perhaps need to start using other words to describe discrimination against nonbinary people, but I think the existing terms continue to serve a purpose and it’s not time to retire them just yet.

I don’t know if any of this is at all helpful or if I’m expressing my thoughts clearly.  Maybe it will just add more confusion to your existing thought process, but I hope it helps to minimize your distress at least a little bit.  Ultimately, all of this is kind of made up, so don’t beat yourself up too much while trying to unravel all these different threads. People spend full academic careers and sometimes their entire lives trying to figure out what they believe on these issues.  It’s okay to not have it all worked out or to not be sure in your ideas.  Even for me, this is just where my thinking is right now.  Maybe in the future it will change with new information I learn or as my feelings towards myself change.  Try to let yourself think of this as a journey instead of something you have to already have figured out.