#man i jsut. fuck dude

[spoonatic]

Guys.

PLEASE don’t dm me asking me for money and then block me when I tell you I am jobless and have no spare money to give after you CAME INTO MY DMS AND BEGGED ME TO COMMISSION YOU. I’m this close to posting the screenshot and dropping the blog name on main I’m so sorry but as someone who does commissions and JUST DID emergency commissions in which I got 2 people and BARELY any money out of it, I DIDNT COMPLAIN NOR BLOCK ANYONE. I made it FUCKIGN work. that’s just tasteless and loses you future customers. I totally would’ve bought from this person too!! Their art was super cute!! But now I’m making a post telling everyone who reads this to NOT commission them because that’s just poor taste and poor communication. Like I just had the WORST fucking week of my life too. Girl. Be better wtf.

[ozymoron]

intrusive thoughts are happening save me sophia save me...

[cassyapper]

hi do u have any favourite fics to recommend?? I'm on the hunt for something good to read and I trust reccs more than anything 👀 👀

HI ANON I'M SORRY IT TOOK ME TEN BILLION YEARS TO ANSWER THIS BUT YES I HAVE RECS rubs my hands together. i assume this is for jjba specifically noritaro so i'm gonna focus on those but if u were thinking of smth else send a follow up ask!

0. he's bad news but i'm no better by simkjrs

putting this as "0" because it is incomplete (it is the only incomplete fic i'll put on this list) but it is. THE noritaro fic. you need to understand. it is SO FUCKING. good. as expected of the ceo of jotaro kujo simkjrs but holy fucking shit. jsut so good. i dont know if it will ever be finished but what we got? jsut gold. i tink it's absolutely worth a read take it from someone who normally doesnt pick at incomplete fics. jsut so good. fuck.

literally anything by ao3 user succubused

theyre so fucking wise they are THE noritaro understander. oh my god their fics are so good. i read their entire noritaro catalogue at the beginning of lockdown in 2020 and i actually lost my fucking mind i'm a different person now from it. holy shit actually life changing. just great stuff. they understand the characters so well. really intriguing interpretations and aus ugh. so fun

2. all deine wundun by ao3 user fivour

a short fic that goes into kakyoin's pov when he lsot his eyes in the n'doul fight with some jotaro there. rlly in character i think and jsut ugh. really good. technically it's for the ova but i can see it fitting any canon iteration of jotaro and kakyoin

3. you cannot see him for the storm by ao3 user deadofdecember

a fun exploration of jotaro and kakyoin's relationship and how it develops over the journey. it's so heartrending dude. the first noritaro fics i ever read #godbless

4. heartstopper. by razzmatazzz

REALLY FUNNY AND CUTE FIC where a non-enemy standuser accidentally turns kakyoin into a frog and yeah. princess and the frog stuff. it's so funny and cute they pass frog kakyoin around in a circle trying to see what will work ugh SO funny. so cute i lvoe it

5. habits by souriswriter

very cute and good fic of kakyoin being the observant young man he is regarding jotaro while hierophant is insufferable aobut his budding crush. i love sentient stands bro

6. anything by ao3 user queenieofaces

ANOTHER CERTIFIED NORITARO UNDERSTANDING oh my GOD their fics are so good. they get jotaro particularly well and jsut UGHGHG just so fucking good. i giggle i laugh i feel sick to my stomach. truly their fics have it all. they do a really great job of showing how close they got so fast and why it makes sense

7. anything by ao3 user skysquid22

i haven't read All of skysquid's noritaro catalogue yet but of the ones I Have read, oh my god. so fucking good. they really pick at their tragedy so well it makes me so sick oughh god. but other than that they have some lihter fics that are so funny. UGH. so good

8. off script by gandmvsm

*note that you need to be logged in to read this one* post part 3, kakyoin tries and fails to propose a handful of times before he finally gets it right at the perfect imperfect moment. soo fuckin cute and sweet

9. the stars under heaven by brightwing

EXACTLY THE KIND OF FIC I WAS LOOKING FOR AFTER I FINISHED EYES OF HEAVEN STORY MODE. so fucking good. there's more going on than jsut noritaro but my GOD it's jsut. so fucking good. they get jotaro so well im so sick. ughh so good

10. crazy little thing called love by nevermordor

CUUUUUUUTEST FIC EVER where jotaro is like it's not a date. wait is it. no it's not. im so fucking stressed out right now. fucking kakyoin IT'S SO FUCKING FUNNY AND CUTE i literally cannot read it in one sitting i have to get up and pace a bit like midway through cause it is so fucking cute. jotaro is so gone for kakyoin it's so fucking CUTE. and likewise kakyoin is trying so hard to impress jotaro and make sure he has a good night UGHHH. so good

11. creep by rigmaroler

very fucking cute and funny fic about kakyoin being weird as hell and jotaro's classmates not understanding not only how jotaor puts up with it but also how he in fact enjoys it. and just general post part 3 cuteness had kakyoin lived and gone to the same school. very sweet

12. lazarus by fivour

fivour again <3 this fic is like. au where kakyoin lives and it's in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. joseph heals him w hamon. kakyoin is disorientated and in pain and scared but jotaro is there and he keeps him grounded UGH

13. mahalo by platzchen

another proposal fic <3 this time jotaro is the one on the knee. so so cute

14. brighter than sunshine by undeadarchivist

ONE OF MY FAV NORITARO FICS FUCKING EVEERRRRRRRRR oh my god it's so fucking good and cute. it's a kakyoin lives au but it starts during part 3 then spans after it. jotaro is so in love with kakyoin it makes me so sick. he LOVES HIm! nad he in turn is so loved by kakyoin in this fic it has actually made me cry. i reread it so often. SO FUCKING GOOD fuck

15. let the good times roll by nevermordor

nevermodror again <3 this fic is so funny. alcoholic joseph, avpol, noritaro, stuck in a hotel while it rains (cause it is winter). just lots of fun and very cute, rlly nice to read this one to take the edge off of some of the more serious/angsty ones on this list

16. choked out by wlwchiaki

missing scene in the sun arc while they all settle into the reality they're in in that cave star platinum dug up. jotaro and kakyoin are so young here oughh it aches. FUCKK so good

umm yeah that's what i got for now. IF you want to see more, you can check out my bookmarks on ao3 <3

[etherealspacejelly]

What’s your favourite tos episode (or episodes if one is too hard)

CORBOMITE MANOUVER❗❗❗

i never pass up an opportunity to talk about this episode its so awesome i love it

basically jimmy and the gang encounter this Massive Cube in space that is giving off harmful radiation and when they try to get away from it it follows them. so they're like fuck it i guess we gotta destroy it or we'll die. so they do. and then this Massive Ship shows up like hey >:( that was my space bouy and you guys blew it up. how dare you. im going to kill you now.

so they try to reason with this guy like my dude. we didnt know it was a space bouy and it was Trying To Kill Us what were we supposed to do. but hes just like you have 10 minutes to say your prayers or whatever and then you're gonna die. and he starts counting down

and everyone is like fuck fuck fuck what to we do. so jim goes to spock and hes like spock what do we do. and spocks like. in chess... when one is outmatched... the game is over. checkmate. and jims like really thats all you got for me??? and spocks like. "im s-" and then he STOPS. and hes like. "i regret that i can find no logical alternative." and i jsut. OUGHHHHH MR LOGICAL MAN WAS SO SAD THAT HE DISSAPOINTED JIM AND HE WAS GONNA SAY HES SORRY SOBS AND CRIES

anyway. jims like. wait a minute. not chess. poker. im gonna bluff the shit out of this guy. AND HE DOES. AND ITS BEAUTIFUL. AND IT WORKS.

so yeah its a great episode because its one of the earliest in release order but it does such a great job of establishing each major character's personality and their relationship dynamics with each other and how they handle a crisis. we learn SO MUCH about jim and spock and bones in this episode. its fucking awesome. i love corbomite manouver.

[the-impulse-to-love]

okay so. caramel huh

who up sticking to me like caramel rn!!

anyways uh. very unorganized misc thoughts and ramblings. i. i have a lot to say. rambles under the cut bc spoilers yk

wrote this before the worldwide drop so yeah

first off, HOLY SHIT DUDE. like yes i was expecting emotional damage, but like. not this way? like i think we were mostly all expecting the typical abusive relationship shenanigans or like some kinda inverse/direct thematical reference to sugar so this lowkey hit me like a truck. this isn't the persona of vessel singing man, this is the Actual Dude behind the mask.

also the?? the breakdown?? oh my god?? caught me off guard as well (i mean. typical sleep token behaviour but.) THE SCREAMS!! OH MY GOD??? THEY WENT ALL OUT!! actually so fucking raw oh my god.

um i like that the beat at the start does feel really similar to sugar. idk wtf instruments r but yk they like. sound similar. idk. but the way its a music box and like lullabies...

II DRUMS. II DRUMS OH MY GOD. DUDE. MY MAN WAS GOING INSANE W THAT BREAKDOWN. imagine this live too... iv screams...

lyrically. LYRICALLY. OHHHHHHH MYYYYY DAYS I CRASHED OUT. its just. so personal. "i wish it all away / but everything's the same" DUDE. DUDEEEEEEE. i dont even know how to describe the feeling. like, we're all rooting for this guy whether it be the lore ver or the actual guy onstage so to hear him go "everything's the same" just. hurts??? like oh my god bro? yk especially since a lot of us envisioned even in arcadia as him in the healing process w the sword imagery n fighting back and allat? i suppose acknowledging ur feelings is part of the process too, so that can still check out but. yeowch man acknowledging it still hurts methinks.

also the. the the the euclid refs. this is not how i expected him to reference that and like. oh my days is this gore

"missin' my wings in a realm of angels" -> "so if your wings won't find you heaven / i will bring it down like an ancient bygone" "i'm fallin free of the final parallel" -> "yet in reverse you are all my symmetry / a parallel i would lay my life on"

i also find it really interesting how he DOESNT really mention eating/biting/jaws/vore allat. instead of consuming caramel, it's the principle of it being sticky that he focused on. and he did say caramel!

and then the connections to all the themeing of him and all the ritual speeches we've had. and various other texts like. him struggling with the idea that he's nothing without his mask, the "i didn't save anyone, you saved me" just. oh my god man i can't even explain this cohesively

its jsut. he cares so fucking much about the fanbase. and theres ups and downs to the fame yk. but then like hey were all hurting why not hurt together?

um hopefully i can make a more cohesive posts on references n allat just. some immediate thoughts. this did kill me where i stood i fear

[asktheevilgeniusesson]

🔥 (x)

Alright lets see here…

Time to rant about eggman apparently lets fucking go gang, again i preference this, im not DUNKING on anyone who writes eggman as a gentle man or something of the sort, this is not a callout, i pinkie prommy.

But eggman.. ive seen this fandom over the years water him down from a tyrant who is cruel and vile to a fucking idiot ho makes robots. Guys. Please. Realistically i dont believe he would ever adopt any of his creations besides sage as its explicitly stated he grew attached to her. Hes a tyrannical evil man who wants nothing more than to make the world his toyhouse of robotic machinery. He would be w horrible, swful, maybe even disgusting man if we’re talking cannon. He’d get worse with age, not better. Not kinder. I gotta remind you guys he fucking killed starline. Like. Its stated he KILLED that dude. Or atleast, tried too. And felt literally nothing about taking a life. (Yeah ik starline betrayed him but etill lemme make my point here-)

Eggmans a bastard. An evil, evil bastard. He wouldn’t adopt metal. Or any of those robots. Sage is his only exception for whatever reason, but he made these machines to KILL. To RAVAGE and TEAR mobians apart. He made machines of war essentially to overtake an entire planet. What about this screams ‘hes a father’?? No if anything i believe he’d be a horrible father and probably a child abuser if we’re being honest. Thats why my eggman is written the way he is. I cant see him being this sweet old man outside of fighting. Hes a horrible person! Disgusting and vile! (Endearing), his character was made to be a tyrant and i’m aliiiitttle mad the recent games are trying to water him down from that ngl! May i remind you he, canonically, hired infinite, a mercenary, to torture his arch rival for A YEAR without STOPPING him? He wants sonic dead. He wants all of team sonic in their graves. He jsut wants to be the one to kill sonic and say he did it. Thats why hes kept him alive. Because he wants to soley kill him himself. Its not that ‘he has mercy inside of him’, he wants to be entertained. He wants them to entertain him, make him stronger by letting him upgrade his armies to take more on, and once hes bored and has the formula perfected, hes going to fight sonic until one of them kills the other. (My monies on sonic unless eggmans reflexes are fast as fuck).

TLDR: eggmans not a family man and probably never will be and if he was he’d be abusive at worst negelective at best and he has little to no empathy or mercy imo

Love y’alls iterations fo eggman tho this is js my opinion ‘course<3

[pillbug-agere]

this one is for you green momo pfp user who's url I forgot ♥️

JJK agere headcanons!

☆ they're all so silly... baby coded... and OH SO fucked up... Poor guys.

☆ to start off with an odd one I think Ichiji would be a really good CG? He's stern don't get me wrong but like,,, he'd care.

☆ at the very least he'd be cool with it, and drive ppl places if they wanted :}

☆yuuji! Our main character <3 and oh so traumatized...

☆he's for sure a regressor and he needs it so bad. probably older ages, 5-7?

☆very cheerful kiddo mostly, but when he has a bad drop he has a BAD drop. Tears for hrs and even after he'd be shakey...

☆ when he's feeling better he likes playing w/blocks and toy cars, usually together. He builds rase courses for the cars <3

☆ would play nice with others & is always up to sharing his race courses if someone wants to race their horse, dino, etc. or if they want to play an entirely different game!

☆actually has like- zero gear at all. Two cars (one orange and one blue :}), comfy sweatpants and a hoodie, and a set of blocks is all he has (someone will probably rectify that soon, lol)

☆ there isn't a little at jujutsu tech that doesn't like colouring, so there's a small box full of art supplies and colouring books in a closet somewhere.

☆the regressors have a sort of code of honor between themselves: 1. never tattle on someone if they're trying to regress without a cg, 2. letting someone know you regress is a job for you and you alone, nobody else gets to spill the beans and 3. if you find little gear, return it DISCREETLY and don't make a big deal out of it.

☆not the healthiest, but regressing means showing weakness/vulnerability, and most sorcerers are explicitly conditioned against that.

☆it's sort of an open secret at this point, but nobody bothers anyone hasn't outright said 'hey, I regress and I'd appreciate some company' about it.

☆hmnn.... personally im not a fan of sukuna as a cg headcanons, but just consider... four arms... he can carry u on his hip while having a set of arms free for doing whatever else...

☆mahito is a silly billy& I think he'd be (well, ok. ik he's a terrible person in canon but jsut...) a p. good caregiver... a bit confused but he's got the spirit yk?

☆ nobara and megumi are yuuji's (reluctant at first) caregivers every so often.

☆nobara paints yuuji's nails whatever color he wants and she (mostly) doesn't complain when her nails are a little more messier.

☆megumi's very insistent that his divine dogs are not pets, but ends up bringing them out anyway. doggy cuddles >>>>

☆the 2nd years... dude I love those guys so much...

☆inumaki... regressor and a cg interchangeably. he'z my favorite character so ofc I have to let him be both

☆regresses to a WIDE range. never babyspace but like... 3-10 I'd say. toge backstory go crazy when gege drops it trust 🙏 (I am delusional) he had such a bad childhood forever and ever

☆just as verbal when regressed as when he's big. tuna tuna... etc...

☆i like to think he can say names too, so- he'd say them a lot. sometimes gets frustrated when he's trying to get his point across and someone's not getting it.

☆bigass oral fixation. chewing on his hands, his cheek, his collar... it's the first sign he's slipping for sure

☆a lot better w/younger littles since he feels less like he has to talk (nobody's gonna b upset if you don't man...)

☆he learned JSL at one point but doesn't like to use it for various reasons, but can still understand it if some1 uses it when nonspeaking (i hear nonverbal isn't the right word anymore?)

☆maki... caregiver/not that invested tbh. tried age dreaming a few times but didn't like it. likes giving tours (is that the word?) of things, talking abt some item or space like you've never seen it before.

☆panda... I'm not 100% that he'd have the capacity for regression, and even then I'm not sure he would even need it. would be a Great caregiver though. pretty lenient, chill... candy before supper etc.

☆yuuta... the poor guy. I think he's a regressor only, but doesn't actually do it that much. Maybe he slips just a little and doesn't even notice. regresses when tired (or more accurately, regresses when he has a break from things to be doing. the exhaustion hits him all at once like a wave).

☆maybe him and inumaki can regress together :}

☆I like Nitta :> I think she'd be an ok caregiver but I don't have much to say about her

This was a lot more than expected... maybe I'll make a part two?

[ominousposting]

TALK ABOUT THEM GHOULS 🎤

YIPPEEE !!!!

okay okay. rain and aether. rain and aether.

rains transfem adjacent in my heart and aeth is transmasc adjacent. they do the fun joke where rains like “damn i wish my boobs were bigger” and aethers like “you can have mine” but also its purely a joke bc aeth is a tiddies man. dudes got tits. good for him. rains a little sad they dont have bigger boobs but theyre okay enough with it bc they wear bras and it makes them feel so much more comfortable :)

also i KNOW this had been posted by someone before but i cannot remember who (i am extremely forgetful) but aeth is a no bra kind of dude. gotta let the boys breath. hes has nip slips a lot but ever other ghoul is jsut like 0-0 bc they all love his boobs and hes hot as hell. dudes fucking hot yknow

[theendofuno]

*starts coughing uncontrollably* hey yall *throws up blood* im still sick haha. does anyone wants to make some soup.for me. pelase.

anyway anyway. i was looking thru uno's phrases thru datamining vids and

either we have phrases that didnt make the game cut or my game is bugged (which. probably not besides it being made by kog), AND I WANNA TALK ABOUT EM :D SO IM DOING IT :D

again, these are adaptations from br-eng just because. i refuse to hear this game eng dub. im not. doing. it.

also also i might include a few that can be found in game just because i have things to say about it! call it free will #iguess

since i dont have screenshots to separate my shit here ill put the tl it in bold text

"Should I congratulate you? Since I was born I have [evil] spirits attached to my heart, it's a cursed destiny, I'm jealous of those who can celebrate their birthdays." brother i gotta say. i crode. probably not news that im heavily traumatized by birthdays but thats not about my life.again. the thing is. Uno got his birthday stuff leaked. and its literally just a Sieghart shit show. this makes this phrase SO much worse man.

he doesn't feel worthy of having a birthday, he don't even have someone who would come by his possible party, the fact that there's a marked day just to let him be aware that he exists is. painful.

for context

i honestly dont feel like making a whole new post just to talk about this bday because its just BOTHERSOME and PAINFUL (genuinely physical pain in the most neurodivergent way possible) to read this shit and the only funny thing to come out of it is uno's icon with sieg being this

ANYWAY BACK TO. PHRASES. HI. SORRY. i just wnated to compare sieg to this bottle and this was my opportunity. sorry!

"I wasn't born yet. When I drink his blood, I'll become the real highlander, and this day is...today!" this is either the most self conscient newborn baby to ever be registered or this is just le edgy stuff i need sieghart blood again, but i think. it is a bit more deep than that.

Uno doesn't feel alive, he doesn't feel like he deserves to be considered a human being who breathes and lives, hes just on constant autopilot, surviving. he mentioned SO many times how hes afraid of dying, how hes afraid of disappearing, how he wants to be normal, how he wants to have a life. he doesn't have what he considers living, so he doesn't see himself as an alive body.

"Does... resting really exists?" i think this one is in game but MAN THIS KID IS. TIRED. SOMEONE GET HIM A BLANKIE PLEASE.

"Who said I need to be awake during the day? The night is dark and surrounded by death. It's not my fault, I'm a predator and these are my teeth." AAAAAAAAAUHDGFUSAFDFVGAHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA i say as i start to hit my head agaisnt the wall. He's so. stuck. into that religious psychosis. he so believes that he's meant to be a savior, a bigger entity. fuck my life dude. at the same time he's begging to be seem as what he is. an innocent, lost person who can't have peace of mind he has that mindset fed to him that he needs to be the best, that he needs to be praised and that he IS a terrible person.

"The bloody moon is so beautiful, isn't it?" pretty sure this one was discarted because we have "the red moon will bloom" AND "look there, the moon is melting, huh?" but. i just wanna give kog a tiny credit here because i really like how whenever he talks about how he hallucinates the moon he asks us (the viewer) for a confirmation. it's like he wants to make sure he's not crazy and that this is really happening, besides the fact that he fully believes it's real. he just wants to be fully sure. idk, jsut think thats a nice touch. i do that sometimes aswell :)

"Is it okay if i wash my clothes in the water? Uhh...I get it dirty very often..." ngl im not sure if this is meant to be said to a character or to us, but im sad it was discarted. i know kog wants to make uno seem as a threat and a big antagonist, but this tiny slice of life detail is so cute. besides, Uno sounds so shy and childish saying this (at least in br, his jp voice is pretty child-like in general), he probably feels like thats too much of a request for someone like him, but at the same time he just. wants to be caring to himself. he wants to feel clean and look pretty to himself, i guess! if i can go a bit deeper, Uno's mind is probably such a fragmented mess and these tiny moments of cleaning his clothes and finding new perfumes is just a tiny necessary break for him. i think thats cute

"We need to run, my body is...starting to go dry..." AYHGFHGDAFGHFGHAG part 2. pretty sure this one is in game (i think its a battle phrase rather than a profile/lobby one? im not sure) but. AAAHHHHHHHHHHH. uno is so misinterpreted it HURTS because he's literally shown as a sweet, comprehensive guy almost all the times. he even tried having a dialogue with sieghart, not once but twice. he literally does NOT want to hurt people and he hates himself for having such a disgusting body that forces him to. and people still think hes genuinely evil. hes literally just a kid. thats my baby yall.

"The victims spirits are carved onto my soul." FML DUDE OH MY GOD. I FEEL LIKE CRYING JUST BY RE-LISTENING TO THIS TO TRANSLATE. Uno is. a sweetheart. he hates himself for everything he did, he hates himself for everything he caused. he misses Reina more than anything in this world (as seem by his death phrase apologizing to her) and he carries with him (in a non literal way lmao) everyone that he ever hurt by accident. he hates himself for that. this shouldnt have happened, thats something that will always haunt him and AUGHHJFGHFGF IM KILLING MYSELF

"What are your wishes that haunt me? Vengeance...or...or only resentment?" yeah hes talking to Sieg here, the way he says this kinda looks like. he does not give a single fuck to that man #ngl #lmao i feel like Uno is treating him in the same coin as he got treated. he doesn't care why Sieghart is pissed off in any universe anymore, he won't try to be compreehensive to him! he knows Sieghart is just an immature 600 yo who doesn't get he's wrong even after getting his ass beaten. that's a quite funny phrase to discart lmao

also im not gonna lie i could go on forever onto every single phrase and why theyre more deeper than it seems but im. already too much of a yapper and this will become a cornplate posting. but i hope yall enjoyed reading this nonetheless because its genuinely funny to write everything i post here

[friendlyengie]

I know you made the post about sending thoughts yesterday but I need to know what your opinions and feelings are on the cancelled tf2 show on adult swim

Man of course i would kill for some more tf2 content, and if it was of the same genre as Expiration Date like? Hell yeah dude, please. Fuck. Though part of me has like, this distant sense of. Not relief but not Total Disappointment that we didnt get it because idk. Like early 2010s adult swim humor isnt completely my thing? Like im not saying any version we’d get now would be a Vast improvement to the tone at the time but yk. Just a distant “hm hey how about that.”

But i also dont think ive ever seen any specifics about what the “adult swim show” entailed or even if it was anything more than a what if. Not saying it isnt real i jsut literally havent looked into it and anything ive seen has just been people talking about it.

Regardless, i look at expiration date and hell even the other animations for updates and stuff and my head starts spinning and wailing knowing that this is as much as we got.

[pup-pee]

VENT POST

i just started typing & i accidentally worte an essay

dont click read more if ur not ready 2 scroll or if u dont want 2 read some random persons thoughts

whenever my mother has a manic or depressive episode every1 looks 2 me 2 help her

bc 4 sone reason im ghe only 1 who understands??? but slso fucking like i dont want 2 i e been trying 2 help her w/various shit since i was born man like literally y do I have 2 help when shes drunk, or hallucinating, or angry, weeping, bored, delusional ect ect

like y me mannn

i wouldnt mind hanging around her if she wasnt a huge source of trauma 4 me god damn

like the problem is i dont mind bing around her its just she has the biggest victim complex & i cannot bare 2 b tricked in2 apologizing 2 her again & again & again & reliving moments that hurt me so i can explain y her actions were not just another tuesday & then she just brushes it off or resays the original statement so i try 2 resay what i said

or when i try 2 calm her down so i let her hold me & sob & i am so uncomfortable bc i dont like bing held by her & she grips my hand & squeezes me when hugging & its like man i dont want 2 deal w/this pls

but when any1 else tries 2 b around her they just make her worse?? make her more upset angry fucking they just trigger her off 4 some reason & she cant b around family or friends bc they just feed in2 her delusions & make them more real 4 her SO IG THATS Y IM THE 1 WHO HAS 2 DO EVERYTHING

4 SOME FUCKING REASON im the 1 ppl listen 2 but then on a dime they will just go “oh but ur the toungest ur not an adult u dont understand it doesnt work that way!” IVE LIVED W/THIS WOMEN MY ENTIRE LIFE I THINK I UNDERSTAND HER BETTER THAN WHEN U KNEW HER AS A CHILD. SHES A FUCKING ADULT TREAT HER LIKE 1

TREAT ME LIKE 1 I GUESS BC U WOULDNT HELP ME AS A KID

dude holy fucking balls im so annoyed bc i cant do anything im just thinking about what ive been doing this week & god damn i h8 the holidays

i want so badly 4 ppl 2 listen & understand me but the bias just DOESNT LET THEM IT DOESNT & IT SUCKS IT SUCKS SO MUCH

bc i can understand what my mother is going through. the mood swings the paranoid/intrusive thoughts the sudden depression BC REAL ME 2 GIRLIE

whcih sidenote my mother told me she was suppossed 2 get diagnosed when she was younger but didnt bc the walk 2 the therapists office each time was way 2 much & just like goddamn that sucks ass. bc imagine if she was able 2 cope better instead of alcohol & cigs & impulse buying all the useless shit

anyways mayb thats y my mother is able 2 stand me more than the others. bc i can relate. which also makes me more easy 2 manipulate but i think ive gotten better @ standing my ground? i hope. man.

mayb i shoukd like talk 2 a therapist bc i want 2 tak about these things but everytime i went 2 a therpist((multiple)) it was always “oh it seems u have it all figured out”

did i get cps called or alerted from me multiple times then got scared in2 talking further in2 it? maybe

but literally cps does jack shit

dude the cops came 2 my house bc my mothers dramatic & she wouldnt let me talk 2 them ((bc i was a minor @ the time)) & they jsut went “ah yes normal behavior.” she drunkenly told them wrong information about our family like that i had a sister? do not. she tried 2 she them the injuries that my dad gave her ((she had none)) & then just refused 2 let me b alone. & oh holy fucking shit. when the reaosn was “well its 2 hot!” i said “they can come inside” she said no

then it was bc i was a minor which doesnt matter bc law

like i had 2 shove her back inside dude it was awful

then when i opened the door she was like right there oacing around like i can not i cant

she did get held 4 that night bc they took it that she was the main disturbance & HOLY SHIT THAT WAS 1 OF THE MOST OEACEFUL NIGHTS IN A WHILE

but ohhh my god she has not let that shit go 2 this day

“they arrested me 4 no reason!” “do yk how AWDUL it is in jail? ofc u dont!” “they had 2 search me!! it was so violating”“ur father LIED 2 them 2 get me.” “those police were lazy & racist” ((i mean ur not weong but also ur not right in that moment)) “yk who had 2 pick me up bc ur father wouldnt? yeah so & so” LIKE YES I GET IT U HAD 2 SPEND 5 HRS IN WHERE EVER U WERE

ohhh my god listen i can understand how treatment can b traumatic but HOLY SHIT the thing that bugs me is how she doesnt realize SHE PUT HERSELF IN THERE

she called the cops of my father then got arrested like girl PLS

she dismisses everything based on those reasons then used them against us

OHH MY GOD I JUST REMEMBERED she tried 2 tell a friends parent who we ran in2 about all of this & i had 2 pull her away like do u know how embarrassing that is? i was trying on the fly 2 correct her BC I DIDNT NEED ANOTHER OUTSIDE INFLUENCE FEEDING IN2 MY MOTHERS VERSION OF EVENTS

im so fucking tired man. & then my father tries 2 defend her & its like my good sir u r the victim but also u neglectful asshole take care of urself the way u never took care of my brother or i

like hes fucked up but hes not a terrible person. outside of the transphobia, racism & other things that i think hea grown past? listen he used 2 b way more homophobic but like my mother helped him w/that shit

but oh my god dude i remneber coming out 2 my family in 8th grade & he went 2 his lesbian friend talking abiut me bing trans which. rude honestly. i wouldve rather him ask me questions not some girlie i never heard of. & holy shit she fed him the worst advice. “when i was younger i thought i shouldve been a boy when i was just gay” GIRL STFU IM SRRY I WENT THROUGH THAT BUT U R NOT ME

she made him so much more surr of himself then he shouldve been & im still struggling 2 explain shit 2 him

dude hes oit here talking about trans women in sports when i dont even play sports like hhhh

my mother has this friend who is like a professor 4 brain shit & shes a proud supporter of lgbtq+ everything

& like shes been wonderful. she supports me even if im 2 scarex 2 say stuff 2 her or cant text her bc i dont have her number angmkre & i dont want 2 intrude on her life

but its the way none of my parents believed her or took her advice on anything

shes my fairy godmother man like they will trust her w/my life if they got died gone but they cant take her advice w/something she literally has a degree in

& it SUCKS bc she believed in my mothers words about my father abusing her WHICH IM JUST SO FRUSTRATED ABOIT

i havent been able 2 talk 2 her bc of it man it sucks… also bc i dont have her number anymore haha lol lol ahaha hhh

& dude its like mutual abuse. my fathers a lot easier 2 b around than my mother most of the time but it flips so easily.

they both r just elly hard ppl 2 b around

i think i takw back that precious statement. theyre both rlly hard 2 b around

explainign the concept of racism 2 my dad is so difficult. bc he cant understand y asian like no-no words r hurtful bc he has an asian wife BUT THE MOMENT U BEING UP THE N WORD HE JSUT CANT WAIT 2 SAY IT 2 PROVE ME WRONG

LIKE DO U NOT UNDERSTAND THE SHIT UR SAYING

& HE JUST WANTS 2 TURN EVERYTHING IN2 A DEBATE ITS SOOO TIRING

like @ least my mother wants 2 hear me talk about my interests instead of telling me 2 shut up

like ik she guilt trips me but @ least she actually likes my company i think

idk man

i just want 2 have a relationship w/them but its so hard & i feel like giving up

my brother basically alr has but he has like, friends n shit dhjdksk

i dont rlly have other ppl like that((mainly my own fault im a pussy)) & it sucks bc i love ppl & man y do i have 2 have a brain that h8s me as much as my parents do

i just want 2 exist in my body & like laugh & smile & eat food a normal amount y is it so hard

y is it so hard 2 just talk 2 some1 when thats all i want 2 do it sucks

but 2mr is another day these feelings will pass & hopefully i will get better or some shit even if ive only been getting worse

this headache is making me reflect on my life man

got me cryinf & shit

god & i just keep thinking about laying in the hospital bed & the nurse telling me not 2 kill myself & her sharing a story about her brother & how he tried but lived & how hos attempt was much worse than mine & now i cant help but compare everything i do or think bc theres always some1 off worse than me stfu

like i will not attempt again ((until??)) @ least donald fucking trump is dead bc i will live off my spite 4 him

but oh my god i hope i can fix myself b4 then

mayb ill just keep setting goals of ppl i need 2 outlive bc @ least im better than them nomatter how much i suck

like jk rowling

is that how u spell her name i dont give a shit. but like i should just keep doing that? idrc how dark it is i just know ppl dont eant me 2 die even if i want 2 so ig ill do it 4 them

oh i just remmebered bing in the hospital bed & my mother yelling @ me then running out XDD im not ok dude that moment sucked that hurt so much & no1 even asked if i was ok mannn like ok let me dissociate on the bed while watching history channel whatever ancient aliens? ok let me just giggle @ this

YK WHAT SUCKED

Omg i couldnt sleep every in both the hospital & the pych ward bc i cant sleep if ppl r watching me

like if some1s looking @ me my body wakes up bc of just this fear instilled in me i suppose?

i think it happened bc of my parents

a mixture of bing forced 2 sleep in their bed & also my mother taken numerous pictures of my father ((& by consequence me)) 2 use as ammo agaisnt him

“oh he sleeps so much” “he snores os loud” “hes passed out drunk” like girl u have over a 1000 pictures of my dad just sleeping calm tf down

anyways i cant sleep if some1s looking loke the moment some1 opens my door i shoot up. which was useful when school tbh but i couldnt sleep @ ALLLL during the hospital bc theres a nurse there 24/7 & in the ward i got a roomm8 yk & the door checks

like ughhhhh i dont sleep well or long anyways unless i dont sleep 4 a while then my body knocks me out((which is what happens/ed)) but holy mollyyyy

i think existing in this world would b a lot better if i didnt confine myself 2 this house. if i like, got out yk? if i left it all bhind

which goddamn i tried like me running away was not a joke idk how ppl took it as that but whatever im so tired of just existing in here

like althoguh im in my safe cave((my room)) im always terrified of the next knock on my door or attempt of conversation

srsly if u want 2 talk or hang out w/me dont complain that i dont shut up u signed up 4 this shit U WANTED 2 HANG OIT W/ME

do u want me here or do u just want this idea of me 2 b here?? i cannot get over it. which fine if its a “i want 2 hear what were watching” situation but 1. subtitles. but fine fine i get it u dont like those so ill shut up or just leave

but dont complain when i leave

& WORSE

DONT B A HYPOCRITE & YAP MORE THAN I DO

watching fightclub was a NIGHTMARE bing told 2 b quite then hearing them talk 2 eqchother ot try 2 talk 2 me then when i would try 2 start a conversation it was like “oh mo we got 2 pause the show bc THIS is goinf 2 go on & on”

like ok goddamn ill shut up ig

i mean @ least when my brother watches stuff w/me ((which is not often)) he KNOWS ill talk. which is y he doesnt watch stuff w/me!! & thats fine!! WE HANG OUT IN DIFFERENT WAYS. like when he asked me 2 stick around during an oil change or when i talk 2 him when hes making food 4 himself like IS IT THAT HARD??

my brother is not a shining example of some1 who completely understand or is purely good. i mean in the car he will constantly say “jokes” calling ppl a slur then bing like “but yk i dont mean that in a bad way” like ok man whatever u grew up w/ny father i understand y u say this

i asked 1nce what the joke was & i think he like actually stuttered. like his brain had 2 load in a response bc it was just “what was the punchline?” “a joke doesnt have 2 have a punchline” “not rlly but most jokes r jokes 4 a reason. so what was the funny bit about that?” “it was just funny” like i dont think thats how it worksss

sigh but @ least their better than my fathers jokes. & my mother oh my god. her humor is literally “haha gangers wear their pants so low u can see their underwear”

& OHH MY GOD when my father tries 2 say we have the same humor

no sir we do fucking not shut the hell up. ive laughed @ 1 joke hes ever said in his entire life istg

he constantly turns 2 me & goes “how r u not laughing this is hilarious!” ITS BC WE DONT HAVE THE SAME SENSE OF HUMOR IVE BEEN TELLING U THIS

or mayb none of them r funny bc i can make them laugh but they cant make me laugh & its getting me rlly insecure

& oh my god if some1 makes 1 more fatphobic ass comment im going 2 send them 2 the time out corner I CANNOT

got in an argument about societies influence on whats “right or weong” & beauty standards came up. yk bc fatness doesnt equal beautiful or some shit like ok whatever i think theyre hot af but surr push ur views on2 me

like DUUDDEEEE trying 2 explain that sexiness is a person fucking opinion & not a fact just goes over EVERY1S HEAD

like hi. im trying 2 explain a concept & trying 2 b patient bc im basically destroying how uve lived ur entire life but pls listen 2 meee

4 some reason my family love 2 compare me & themselves 2 eachother & im so tired of that

i am not like u i dont want 2 b like u bc u make me so depressed i want 2 hurt myself 4 bing aeound u

when my brother compares me 2 our parents its in an effort 2 “change myself 4 the better” but i dont think this criticism actually helps me. it just makes me feel more like shit bc now i feel like im the person that hurt me so i hurt others & UGHHH its awful

my mother has compared me 2 my father in order 2 try 2 get me on her side. things like “thats what ur father would say.” “ur father thinks the same way” ect ect along those lines & its stupid & annoying & i h8 it

MY FATHER THO IS THE WORSSTTT 1 OF THEM ALL

he compared me 2 himself when its a positive trait & my mother when its a negative trait

“oh i 4got ur phone in the kitchen? haha u got that from me” “u 4got what day it is? u r ur mothers child”

“see ur smart & dont care about others opinions. u remind me of myself” “ur so sensitive like ur mother.”

“reading books & preferring physical materials? loving the library? u r my.. daug-child” “creativity? yeah thats ur mothers side of u”

“i like that we can talk about hard hitting questions during shows that dint distract us & let us dig deeper in2 whatever or smth.” “u talk so much. just like ur mother”

LIKE UGHHHH

ive only “rlly got 2 know him” in the oast 2 yrs bc b4 that he was rlly uhmm… absent? not gone but i just. idk he was much more of an alcoholic & seemed 2 care more about work then me

apparently thr thing that snapped him out of that mindset was when i told him i didnt have many memories of him

which

i dont

bc i just dont. unless its him bing drunk n shit & arguing/fighting like isk what 2 tell u

& OHHH my god im still confused about this memory i have bc 2 me ifs as fresh as daisies but my mother told me smth about thag night that i dont remmeber

in trying 2 incriminate my father she said smth WILDLY uncomfortable & now i have no idea if its true or not bc im sure its jot but what if it was & holy mother of jesus that scares me

bc i dont trust her but i want 2 & ik she cares about me but what if shes just trying 2 get me on her side BUT WHAT IF ITS TRUE.

that night was scary enough i dont need 2 think sbout it more mannn

ugh i h8 family vacations

like just any family outting. we got a flat tire bc father wouldnt listen when we daid “hey dont drive on sharp rocks” & then every1 got pissed @ eachothrr & then @ ME WHEN I TRIED 2 B OPTIMISTIC. then when waiting 4 a pick up 2 help us they got blasted drunk & my dad started hitting me in the fucking truck & when we got bsck 2 town my brother picked only ME up bc he doesnt care 4 my parents & he said i was the victim in that? sure whatever

but when my parents came home they started a fucking fight w/them while ienas in the shower so i got out & started 2 record the aufio bc i coudlnt rlly,,, like get out? my father threatening 2 fight my brother pushing him in2 corners forcing him out the soor my mother “trying” 2 make “them” stop but just making it worse bc again. victim complex she needs 2 b in the middle of eveything

& my brother just wanted 2 help me i feel so so so bad

the time when we were out of state bc my brother was moving away((has since been manipulated back yay go mother)) & my father fucking left my mother & i there. took the car & just drove back home. it wasnt the worst we had a hotel room & had a car but it still sucked.

we didnt have many vacations when i was younger bc my father was always working so my mother would take us places & honestly it was better bc she would always put on a persona like how she does when she works yk?

bit when my father would join 4 things like birthdays it always ended up in drunk fights & threats. even if we were bringing friends w/us on trips 2((not the birthday 1s))

there r times when my mother has gotten oanic attacks in the car from the way my father drives & i get like 2nd hand panic from that bc, ofc i do. & my father just gets pissed off @ her?? also my mother & i get vry motion sick so the way he drives also triggers that like crazy. but he gets upset when we mention it or constantly tell him 2 calm down bc if he doesnt stop switching lanes & taking sharp turn 1 or both of us will b throwing up.

& its usally me saying it bc im the only 1 who has the fucking balls apparently bc I DONT WANT 2 PUKE. & my mother cries so easily from him but she also abuses him & UGHHH ITS SO ANNOYINGLY COMPLICATIED

oh its also awful when my mother drives tho bc she drives drunk if were hanging out. like only if its me & her & omg i let her get away w/it way 2 much.

trying 2 convince her 2 pull over bc shes having a panic attack while shes drunk is not fun. on the interstate. its not fun.

like thats not all its just oh so tiring mann ughh woe is me i suppose

theres many times also when my father will just abandon 1 of us on the street. like ONLY if its only 1 of us in the car tho bc if theres another person they would prolly protest

ive been l8 2 school((& lost)) multiple times & man i got so many detentions bc i just couldnt wake him up which fair on that but god god god fucking damnit

just the power move of trying 2 get the other person 2 shut up bc ur having an argument by threatening 2 leave them on the side of the road or 2 not drive them somewhere or not pick them up is smth my dad consistently does 2 this day. not 2 me much anymore bc ive “learned my lesson” & i can usually talk my way out of it but he did do it 2 my mother like 2 weeks ago bc of such dumb reasons

it was so frustrating trying 2 express myself about trans shit & then getting like told he would force me out if i kept getting upset @ him so i just shut up about anything gender related until i was 18 bc that was the rule

& its useless bc i dont even have a say 4 myself still so who gives a shit i h8 everyhting it makes me so sad like y did i just let myself do that? y did i let myself intentionally get hrut?? bc i was scared?? i fucking guess. bc i wanted 2 prove myself? i had false hope. like its so frustrating

its apparently normal 4 families 2 fight but i dont like it. “ofc u would prefer ur friend u dont fight” like i think thats how its supposed 2 work?

then getting told “oh thats just how our family is. no1 would get us were unique were not like the other sheep families” like FUCK THAT i want 2 eat DINNER W/U

shout out 2 never eating dinner 2gether so when i did @ friends places i was scared & awkward

haha. fun. shout out 2 explaining im scared of helling but telling my friend im not when they do it then them telling me “thats not normal” i said yeah it is

i think about that a lot. bc i think thats when i rlly started 2 realize how not normal my family is. back in like elementary school.

my brother telling us his friends dont like them((our parents)) bc theyve been scared of them. like huh. when u dont grow up in a toxic environment ur able 2 tell when somethings toxic! go figure

& its rlly frustrating bc IK my parents r not inherently bad ppl. they care 4 us in their own fucked up way. they tried their best. they want the best 4 us & vowed 2 not let us grow up like them.

which, in a roundabout way actually did make is grow up like them but in like a different font.

my father has talked about not wanting us 2 b afraid of him bc he was afraid of his dad bc he would beat his ass. he didnt want us 2 worry about money.

but in a weird way that like, did make me incredibly afraid of him.

bc he worked all the time 2 get money, he was stressing himself out((& it wasnt just 4 my brother & i it was also bc my mother was pressuring tf iut of him & berating him about it)) but BC he was always working i never saw him. so when i did see him he was tired but he has insomnia & cant sleep 4 shit so he would drink 2 go 2 sleep

but he would drink a lot

but the drinking made him drunk of fucking course so he would argue w/mother & so eventually all i came 2 know him as was some1 who only yelled & fought

& that makes me scared of him.

hes forceful. hes self righteous. hes aggressive & if u dont think of him as right he will make u.

& he still is all of these things its just toned down bc hes stopped drinking as much. which has raised more probelms but i cannot b bothered 2 type them out hell no

but hes often told me that he fucked up more than his father. bc of the memory thing yk? when i told him i rlly dont have any good memories of him he broke down bc while he was scared of his dad, he still loved him & admired him. he had memories of his dad teaching him 2 fish & things like that

& i can tell hes improved as a dad i think. i mean im trying 2 b more supportive about it then my brother

giving him space when he finally gets sleep like,,, normal etiquette & also letting him vent 2 me or ask me uncomfortable questions. i try 2 answer them so he understands yk

i also try 2 push him 2 think himself tho bc he rlly just cant think outside of his bubble. like its extremely annoying. he will talk about how smart he is then say how the media is all liberal so he watches fox news 2 combat that like i get it i just want ppl 2 approve ur fucked up world view holy shit

but i can see him realizing like, what it is not 2 b such a hard person bc when i hugged him when he came back from a trip, he like, remembered

he was tired((3 days no sleep)) & just drove back but when he came home i gave him a hug bc idk, im a physical affection person & it kills me 2 b uncomfortable w/affection so ive been working on that. but also it just looked like he needed it

but he told me the next day about how much it meant 2 him so mayb hell understand?? sonething?? that i dont h8 him exactly,,, i think. but that i treat him the way i do bc of how hes treated me? & when hes less of a shit bag im less allergic 2 him?

idk that feels like how my mother treats him which puts a fowl taste in my mouth but i swear on my life its different. like i swear im not trying 2 manipulate him in2 doing what i want

which he seems 2 think i do try 2 do that? mostly in ways like of trying 2 make him think differently

which i will not deny. i would rather him not b transphobic & racist & whatever but hotdog its hard

this seems 2 b a common trait among all my family tho. when i try 2 explain a concept & then them telling me i got brainwashed by the media?? like mayb but also im not a h8ful person just bc of some1 existing so i think thats alright

its like the 1 point i can talk w/my mother tho. like its the only time she will listen. ALSO WHEN MY BROTHER SAID HE UNDERSTOOD THEY/THEM PRONLUNS?!?!? HOLY SHIT!!! i mean i dont use them BUT THE FACT HE ACKNOWLEDGES THEM MAKES ME SO HAPPY BC IT MEANS HE HAS BASIC HUMAN RESPECT

i mean did he out me 2 my fathers side of the family & now im scared 2 talk 2 them? yeah

but thats just bc i havent talked 2 them since i was in diapers & then when i did it was strange bc they were so normal ((minus the slight racism but they just,,, r white & live in utah. like seriously i like tea bc its good nor bc im asian & my hair is a natural color its not dyed. no u cant touch it???? no i dont speak asian wtf)) snyways but they did grow up mormon so hahah afriad

y r u as a man a mormon? u want more men? huh? is that it?

no but anyways yeah im scared of them. which is strange bc theyre rlly nice

but i think i just cant accept ppl in my family bing nice & accepting 2 me bc its rlly scary. like. i have cousins. i have fucking cousins & theyre younger than me & im scared of them

even on my mothers side im scared of my family

& its not just that but ive convicned myself that i feel alienated from them bc im also half asian so i just dont “fit in”

i dont. look like them. i dont have sinilar intrests im weird y am i crying

fuck y is it so hard 2 make human connection 4 me mannn like its rlly annoying i just want 2 b hapoy & talk 2 ppl but ive convinced myself every1 h8s me & my existence & that im annoying & irritating & have nothing if value 2 contribute 2 every so y would i bother them or any1 & i h8 myself 4 it so much

like no fucking wonder i like that fucked up fox boy sm r u shitting me. this shot stinksss mannn

& it also hurts bc my brother called me dumb 4 thinking like this bc hes never ever thought of it b4. which

fair enough ig

he doesnt care much 4 things like that.

but ig i just do

i think it all stemmed from my mother always pointing out im HALF asian like ALWAYS correcting me. & it just spiraled from there bc when i was younger i never even noticed i was asian yk what i mean? childhood innocence “i didnt see color” lol

but whenever i started 2 grow up & say smth like “its so strnage that ive noticed ppl dont eat rice 4 ever meal! bc as some1 whos asian-“ then she would cut me off & say “HALF asian”

& honestly it fucked me up 4 no goddamn reason.

like literally who cares. i say. as im crying tears. like i rlly dont understand y i care sm but it jsut hurts

like i dont feel whole. i dont belong in 1 or the other & its stupid ik but my brain still convinces me its true.

that bing said its always strange bc ppl consider me just asian. like i never had 2 clarify so it makes me wonder y my mother feels so vindictive 2 do so

like in 7th grade we were doing this gene thing. & guess what, the 2 asian kids were paired 2gether. so we basically just asked about facial features & based on the score we got we would b put in2 a certian number group

which makes sense ok its like basic understanding of how genetics works 4 beginners

but when calling the numbers, we both stood up 4 like number 13

& ONLY US

every1 turned 2 look @ us when a kid went “woah & its the inly asians” like ok lmao

but it just kinda makes me think about how no1 fucking cares that im wasian. im just asian & white. im both.

i am not a percentage of 1 that will tell me if im more white or asian it doesnt rlly work like that. u cant split me in half & say this is the white side & this is the asian side.

logically.

emptionally all that shit gets thrown out the middle bc of fuckign course ur half & half u twinkie bitch

i feel like ive lost the point of whatever im typing

it was noce 2 just kinda vent about it whicj i do way 2 often lol

will i post this? mayb mayb not. it is noce 2 post these tho bc 1, this is my blog its me. 2, it makes them feel lore real

like less imagination i suppose?

idk. wheneve i share these thoughts or recount these memories 2 my family it always gets pushed aside so i just kinda, want them here. ig

i mean ok i havent actually shared some of these thoguhts 2 them. like i mostly avoid talking about my od bc they dont want 2 hear about how they make me h8 myself way more than i alr do & when i even slightly hint @ that shit they press me more like “what did i dooo” like ok let me go down the list again

then jts the whole “prove it” like shit alright i have some recordinfd from thr last 2 hrs but thats it do u want those? no? u dont? bc they make u upset? ok

i got a christmas card from my grandma & grandpa & my grandma wrote about how she was interested in my like etsy store & wanted 2 hear morr about my adventures

which is crazy bc i havent talked 2 them since,,, shit like the last time i talked 2 them lol uhhh b4 they moved away. like way b4

but the fact that she remmebered is insane 2 me

its the same way i feel when my mother remmebers my favorite color is pink or when she knows i like tmnt

like when j started getting in2 comics & talk her about the last ronin & how i wanted 2 read it bc uhm guess who my fav turtle bro is. but i didnt expect he 2 remmeber snything or b interested @ all but she got me the whole fucking book

off of like amazing yk. but she saw that & got me it & thats insane 2 me

my mother often tries 2 buy back my affection which unfortunately works bc she actually lsitens 2 me

like 4 christmas she got me a new keyboard thats quieter bc ig she remembered whne i told her that my brither conplains that my keyboard is 2 loud @ night so i wanted a new 1 so i didnt wake him

& just

its things like that when ik she genuinely cares about me. like, how i remmeber her when i was younger, b4 she put on some sort of persona all the time

not that she buys me shit btw bc i rlly wished she stopped doing that but the fact she listens 2 me. like woah.

like she KNOWS i like flash & superman!! LIKE SHE KNOWS I LIKE THEM BETTER THAN BATMAN!! SHE KNOWS THIS!! i mean she cant rlly recall my favorite characters but i dont expect her 2 im honestly just super impressed he cared that much about my interests @ all

it makes me like glad. in a say like how my friends would remember my favorite characters. like when ie wtched toilet bound hanokokun i like tsukasa aka his brother fav character right there & MY BESTIE WAS ABLE 2 TELL THE DIFFERENCE BTWEEN THE BROTHERS BC THEY PAID ATTENTION 2 ME??

like they knew i love tohru from dragon maid & that i live snufkin so dearly they got me a silly gay ass moomins hoodie 4 my birthday

or that i called myself a dogboy as a silyl bht semi yk real bc haha cope cope cope & THEY GOT ME DOG EARS & I JUST

i regret so much bcoming scared of them

like i fear how bad of a friend that i am that i distanced myself from them bc im convinced they h8 me

but when i remmeber these things im like no obviously they cared enough 2 listen 2 u & also share interests w/u & hang out w/u on fucking skype & play ur games cause u played theirs & its so stupid im so stupid

im such an idiot i want 2 talk w/them again

theyve been my best friend since 4th grade ive known them since i was in 1st & they were the 1st person i came out 2 & when i thought i was about 2 b h8ed & casted aside they said no u idiot i care 4 u holy shit im an idiot

y am i so scared of them y do i not thijk im worthy of their time theyre my best friend i miss them

so much

i love them sk much & ive neve tild them bc ive been scared 2 say it 4 so long till this yr bc i genuinely love ppl & i want them 2 know i regret it so much

ive always been afraid of being close 2 them like sitting in the same bed or couch 2 watch a show bc ive always been sfraid o how bad i smell cause ive been told my entire life that i smell like shit bc i fucking do bc im 2 fucking broken 2 take shwoers ir properly take care of myself

but they wanted me 2 they wanted me 2 & i dont undertsnd & i feel so bad 4 not letting myself get closer bc when i ddi 2 another frind & they told me i dont smell like shit i dont know i dont knoww

i miss them so much ive hugged them like once & i want 2 do it again but i definitely dont deserve it after distancing myself like this

& it sucks bc this is exactly what my parents want man

they h8 their family & them bc they “changed me”

which rllt just means they made me more comfortable bing myself but whatever. they made me “loud” they made me “trans” ((even tho i came out 1st 2 them???” they r manipulating me & THEY STILL BRING THEM UP DISPITE ME NOT TALKING 2 THEM IN LIKE 7 MONTHS,, & that was just over text

i rlly miss them i miss all mybfriends but i dont think they should deal w/the baggage that is whatever the fuck i am mannn

i just rlly hope they dont think of me bc it will bring on bad feelings & i dont want 4 them

im sobbing way 2 much i started making sound

yk i was just quietly sobbing b4 but i started thinking about mt best friend & i just couldnt hold it back in this sucks

every since i considered them a friend my parents have been telling me how theyre awful & manipulate me

& how they dont like them or their family & i think its a pile of horse shit bc if anything were the manipulative bastards like tf & its partly my parents fuslt that i dont interact w/them bc i just cannot take my parents bing awful shit bags 2 them & their family 4 litterly just existing

i can take transphobia directed @ me whatever but the instant any of them being up them i lose it. i scream i yell i push away

like its so fucking aggravating.

i dont think theyre perfect. they dont think theyre perfect ik that. but the fact that my parents theink they & i do is SO ANNOYING

stop basing everything u belive in on fucking fiction, i dont live in ur imagination

i sm real. they r real. were ppl mot concepts u can play around w/& i cannot wrap my head around how that doesnt make sense

i miss my best friend

i miss bing a kid, but in the way i was hapoy bc i ddint understand or care 4 these things

now i can grasp them slightly better & my brain turns them agaisnt me & hurts me 4 no fucking reason so now i i want 2 just disappear & woopsie daisy fuck me blehhh

did yk i cant play muliplayer games bc they make me cry? i get so scared of playing w/other ppl that i start panicking & crying

but i played w/my friends bc they like multiplayers & they would accommodate 4 me & hype me up & i fucking miss positivity so much

bc like i would play like idv right? my im so insecure anout my skill & my friedn was higher rank so they used an alt account 2 pkay w/me even tho they said i was good enough 2 play w/their main

like its such a nice thing that i dont think theh noticed they said or did they were just. functioning as they normally did as a nice fucking considerate person & i crying iver it

im fucking crying

& i stopped talking 2 them bc im as asshole. & when i told them y i want them 2 stay away they said but ur not. but ur not ur just a dick sometimes & i want 2 cry bc wtf is the difference mann ejfjk what is the dofference

im so scared 2 reach out despite constantly crying out a call. ill work up 2 it i want 2 i need 2 i just rlly want 2. i just panic so fucking much i start crying like literally whats wrong w/me

whats the difference btween talking on tumblr & talkiing on discord/msgers?? what is it??? i dont know

my headaches gone down slightly now so im going 2 make food 4 myself

& prolly cry some more anyways

[dogmanconfessions]

i want more angst but like exsistential ones specificllay cna we just also think ab thow fucke dup it isthat theres a dog se winto a human's body. like yes but also thats ltierllay the dog's owner and like how fucked up it is they chopped knights head off and decapiated greg and sew them together like knight and greg is something beyond normal a connciton so close they kind of ARE each tohe rlike dang they all joke abting merging soul but what abt meagring body...will ever b able two sleep at night comfortable ever, this is two decapicated being combing with each other, im glad that dog man is fine, like he is built different (hehe) and he jsut immediatly go to work (in the comic) perfetcly fine, licking chief, ctahcing petey and we all gloss it off like yeha sure okay lolz, however in the MOVIE he go to his owner's home and find alice sleling the palce and off to her new boyfriend and new dog. like we cant blame her for not being okay with the ltierlaly exisstenceof dogman if we put ourselves in her shoes and im glad msot of the fandom didnt like. get mad at her for that. hOWEVER. we r ALSO glossing over the fact she got over it supa quickly. like. i thought she was already chetaing cuz how d ahlle u find somebody that fast girl T0T prayemoji like damn dude.....osmeitme i jsut forget hes a dog head sew in a man's body and not jsut na anthromopmorphic dog. but also. a man's body getting sew with a DOG'S EHAD like that. that. like if I WA SDOG MAN ILL PROBAB;Y GO HYSTERIC TRYING TO REMOVE MY HEAD FROM THIS FOERIGN OBEJCT. EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING BIOLOGICAL SCREAM THIS IS WEIRD THIS IS UNCOMFORTABLE THIS IS WRONG IT FEEL WRONG HE SHOULD REFUSE HE SHOUDL. but. he didnt. like YALL CAN WE JSUT TLAK ABT HOW FUCK UP THAT IS. LIKE HOW DOES IT FEEL. I T FEEL WEIRD THAT it just. it. like. EHRGBRGNRHGBRGHBGRH GUYS

.

[cassyapper]

Hey cass! Just here to tell you that your fic has reached the level of brainrot in my head that when I was reading a completely different canon compliant pt 5 fic, I reached a point where it was polnareff pov in all his turtley glory and all I could think is "Man this all sucks with how much shit polnareff went through but kinda weird how he never mentioned Avdol once, like baby you gotta tell him you're alive at some point :/" then I fuckin remembered that Avdol is, in fact dead, and that your fic is not, actually, like canon

CAT THIS IS LITERALLY THE SWEETEST THING ANYONE COULDVE EVER FUCKING SAID TO ME ARE YOU KIDDING!!!!!!!! im actually gonna cry. im smiling so wide it's insane im gonna start punching walls cause i have no other way to get my emotions out

im jsut so fucking glad u enjoy it dude and that u enjoy it enough u would be willing to mark it down in ur head as a plausible chain of events UGH I JSUT. honestly im kinda speechless this is just beyond sweet thank u so much for sharing i cant. i cant stop smiling. avdol is alive still in our hearts dont worry

[donovankinard]

scaled & icy live

an hour, huh? i best get comfy.

it's all under the cut xx

the graphics are kinda funky

OH IS THIS WHERE THE PANSEXUAL FLAG COLOURS CAME FROM OKAY

i can get hype about some pink blue and yellow fr

wait is this meant to be the dema morning show?? thats so fucking funny though. thats actually so fucking funny.

okay wait so in this dema universe, in the lore, twenty one pilots is still a band? tyler joseph and josh dun are still a band?

why is he sad :(

"is that. number 16 cotton candy" bitch ofc it is

YEAH JOSH WHERE ARE YOU

u good tyler

whats with the wookie noises

into choker tho is beautiful

THE STAGE AGH

sorry brief mention to how fucking good josh looks in this video oml

the stressed out bridge coming in there????

wait are these the bishops little minions or smth cause theres too many of them to be the bishops

this is a vibey little live version

man sidenote im so ordering merch this weekend

wait wahts the light thing at the back

is that supposed to be the nine towers?

oh into migraine?? was not expecting that

"depresS" everybody fucking freeze. "ive thoughts."

into morph??

its a little all over the place but in a good way?? does that make sense

wait no bring back tylers agonised screaming

"my personal favourite, mulberry street" i hate you but same

YES MULBERRY STREET

KEEP YOUR BLISS THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS FUCK YEAH

the murals. yes

josh just doin his lil bounce in the back tho

whats with the chick wtih the teddy bear

that guy was not there before was he???

and back to the piano. agh.

the little adlibs afkdlsjfdsklfjsld

see in my head all these dancers are banditos and i will take no argument

in two days i will know this mulberry street choreo by heart. just saying

when tyler and josh are looking for people for their next venture i will be ready. im telling you now.

that girl in the front in the skirt ate that

wait whos this girl

LANE BOY FUCK YEAH

whats with the gas masks? are you my mummy? /ref

wait where did josh's shirt go not that im complaining

anybody want to learn this choreo with me too

wait i wonder if i can convince my partner to do this at our wedding actually (long long way away but i picture it being Highly Amusing)

joshs hair is just so good in this video idec

joshua william dun was that a lip bite and a wink. god fucking damn

oh hello guitar

into chlorine?? okay this setlist is. wow

whats with all of joshs costume changes??

okay tylers coat is eating here now tho

shy away yessss

the set for this is so interesting too

shy awAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

his little dance is so cute stop

also side note josh ate that fit so hard

"it brought tears to my eyes" same, dude. same.

ok that was fucking weird

that shirt should be so ugly so why is he kind of eating

the outside yes

josh in the onesie wtf😭 he's so!!!!!

hey bud where u goin

just casually breakdancing in the street. ok

"shut uP!" lmaooo

the water into the night sky into the backdrop is beautiful

THE UKULELELLELELELLELELE

WAIT HEATHENS ON UKE??? THIS IS GORGEOUS

wait he's in a boat thats so fucking cool

the sets for this are jsut fucking brilliant

i love this being just sort of him and the ukulele. i love it.

torchbearers back yaaaaay

ohhhh jumpsuit???? and the set gives the mv vibes

and then immediately into heavydirtysoul???

tyler periodically turning into a velociraptor is feeding my soul tbh

why are the hosts gradually looking more and more demonic/dead

SATURDAY AYYYYYYY

the disco ball lmaoo

the vibes here are immaculate

wait???? is that jenna?????????????????????

her sweater is so fckn cute tho

him getting off the phone and just going "oooooooooooooooOoOooooooooOOOOOOooOoOOOOOOOOoooooo" is such a mood

the BOOMBOX yES

LEVEL OF CONCERN FUCK YEAH

oooooh the backdrop here is fire?? the colour palette fdjklfjkldj

the remixed vibes of all the songs are fucking slapping. are they available to stream or anything anywhere??

riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide!!!!!!!!

the visuals have been on point this entire video can i just say

also tylers shirt is so cool???

all the horn instruments are intriguing me

josh is so!!!!!!!!!!

car radio!!! car!!!!!!! radio!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this song mostly just makes me want to cry actually. but

wait the mask!!!! the!!!! mask!!!!!

THE MASK IS OFF!!!!

well that was short lived

all the sirens and the freaking out and hes just like 🥰👉👈👏👏

NEVER TAKE IT

everythings on fire. again.

the little adlibs are so fucking cute tho

also i love when tyler just fuckin. screams

the three guitars in the one shot is such a fuckin vibe

the two in the back just clapping😭

and then there were two....

the lil dragon omg

oh look whos back on the couch

choker again????? yay??????

no tyler dont be sad :(

the overhead shot of all the sets>>>>>>>>>

yeah bitches you better clap for them

wAIT THEYRE CLAPPING FOR US

no cause josh and tyler at the end there kdfjfsdjfjdksl cuties

wow okay so much to unpack there im gonna go grab some chocolates and soda water

okay i've got the chocolates and soda water.

wow! so that was quite the experience. i can kind of understand how it all ties in with the clancy storyline, but it also feels like its not really *integrated* in the storyline. at least not for me at this point.

i really really enjoyed that whole video itself, regardless of lore. it was just a very interesting and cool way to present those songs

god i wish!!!!! there was a higher quality video. i couldnt find one on any of the sites i normally use, most of them said they were taken down, so.. :(

i dont really get what was happening with the woman and the man, the hosts? like i get that they were hosting but their whole vibe was off and they kept seeming to look injured/possessed/straight up weird. so.

im gonna take a quick break, maybe 15 minutes, to just draw a little bit and have some food and water and then i'll come back to the saturday video. i'm just sort of losing my focus and i need to do something else rq to kind of get my head back into it! so brb!

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

HI. MACKERELMORE. nhw trickster. killington. amity. the chaos zone. deadwood. new and funny and interesting ways to slaughter people. tide clone shit. bonesaw boiling the failed clones alive. muse. trickster using muse to do shit like u just saw in killington. the wards seeing the trickster using muse to execute people in ways Like That. holds up mic!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOD. THERES SO MUCH GOOD FUCKING FOOD FOR NHW IN THE CHAPTERS I READ EARLIER. fuck. god. shit. okay.

starting with the trickster bc i feel like when i get into tides stuff ill talk for 10 years. ohhhhh my god dude as soon as they walked into a town called fucking KILLINGTON ????? i was like. god thats a joke trickster would make huh!!!!! hed think thats so fucking funny. (and it is. but only to me who has the advantage of seeing this as a narrative and not a real event i am experiencing. fucking hilarious shit. killington??!?!?!?!? killington. ) i have a lot of thoughts about the shit he did to Amity before he escaped and like. yeah. fuckin yeah. i dont think he wouldve killed Everyone in the city (gotta have. puppets to play with and also like. people who hes not controlling to chase around and hunt for sport) (this is fucking terrifying and awful! this is so bad! like catastrophically so!) but i definitely think when the wards go to amity (because i want them to do that so bad at some point) i think it will be in sort of a similar state to this with like. bodies strung up like decorations. graffiti made from fuckign. ash and blood and paint all mixed together. really obviously placed traps. etc etc etc. jsut like. evidence that this place is like his fucking playground! horrifying!

anyway yeah also muse holy shit. muse has to singlehandedly raze at least one fuckign town. for sure. dude dude like that fucking video jack had where they had everyone gathered together before they started killing them? that but with trickster and muse? and its . more fucking scary because instead of 200+ slaughterhouse 9 clones its literally JUST trickster and muse. and whatever random handful of puppets trickster is controlling around the edge of the crowd for extra sets of hands.. aauogaouguguhhghhhgh. i need them to do horrific shit.

OKAY. CLONE TIME. CLONE TIM.E . OUGHGHHGHGH TIIIIDE. TIIIIIIIIDE. how many failed clones do you htink there were. how many failed clones to make tide and magma. do you think they know about the failed clones. they got fucking BOILED ALIVE. do u think tide and magma ever see any of the other clones before theyre ready and they have to look at their own fucking faces (face?) and think about that. i still have that post abt the lambert family in my drafts god i need 2 finish that but. in my mind tide and magma are the oldest (technically magma is the oldest but tide was like. a year or less after him so theyre closer in age) and then it was. seismic and whirlwind at the same time so theyre twins. and then shockwave. and then elle. so i think tide and magma have that Eldest Sibling bond where they have. Issues that are parallel to each other. and a LOT of that comes from being endbringer juniors and a lot of that comes from being clones. but where magma got closed off and aloof about it tide like. desperately clung to kindness bc he doesnt like when people are scared of him. anyway im getting distracted. FUCKING CLOOOOOONE SHIT. CLONE LORE. WORM CLONE LORE. THE WHOLE LIKE. either implanting false memories from other people or needing to raise them from scratch????? thats fucking insane. oh my god. what the fuck kind of memories do u think they got. obviously a lot from dr lambert but like. man. do u think the endbringer thing is like baked into their fucking memories. its in their dna. i didnt quite understand the bit about bonesaw trying to give them their powers but if altering memories can alter what sorts of powers they get...... do the endbringers have dna. do u think tide and magma got endbringer dna in them. that would be sick (both in the sick meaning cool way and in the im gonna make myself sick way). actually that brings up the point. are the endbringers even organic??????????? or are they constructs?????????? since they were confirmed created by someone/something....... man. MANY THOUHGST HEAD FULL. HAVING A LOT OF EMOTIONS ABOUT NHW TIDE. bonesaw boiled the failed clones alive. i dont . i dont think tide and magma were ever *kids* (which is like. ow.) but like. god im just imagining the part in trigun where vash and knives find whats left of tesla. holy shit dude. do you see my vision here

[saytrrose]

I just realized the only reason I identify as Apagender and use any pronouns is because I really fucking wish I could transition as a man and look like a guy and I think I’m still a transguy and I was out as such for 6 years but because my family handles it so fucking badly and would verbally degrade me everyday and cut contact I’ve just forced myself to identify with my femininity but djdjsk oh my god I just went back into hiding but not completely like I want to die dude

Like if my parents just fucking died like my family and they weren’t in the picture I’d come back out as trans and present as such and I jjjj jsut realized that I would 100% legitimately do that I jsut overly feminize myself so desperately because I know my family would disown me ighhhzIsdhbd

it fucking sucks it’s fine I’m fine I’ll just wait til I’m like 35 and have a midlife crisis and transition then omgg