#makingourrainbow

[rainbowinthemaking]

IVF Counselling is Done

Today is my husband’s birthday and it was also the day we had our mandatory counselling session. 

I will admit I was very nervous for this. Just the idea that this was another hurdle we had to pass seemed daunting. The scariest thing about infertility is how out of my control the whole process seems to be. It took us years of advocacy and work to get a referral to our fertility clinic, it took years of trying and waiting, and negative tests (and some positives that never quite worked out). It took so many lab tests and procedures and ultrasounds. I hated the thought that someone could spend 60 virtual minutes with us and say “No, I don’t think you’re ready.”

Luckily, that wasn’t the case. Our counselling session was amazing and I feel like we got a lot out of it. It forced us to sit down and really highlight the appreciation and admiration we have for one another. And it felt really rewarding to hear her say that she thought we were going to be amazing parents, and that she wished us the best with the rest of the journey. I plan to use her services throughout the rest of our fertility journey and in to motherhood. I’m not always the quickest to open up, but she made it easy. 

This Thursday is our final consent appointment with our Doctor. From there we will get official information on what our next steps are to start our IVF cycle. I can hardly wait! 

[waitingforourfuture]

makingourrainbow replied to your post: Are you still late? Have you taken another HPT? :)

Home pregnancy test :)

Oh, duh! Yeesh, sometimes I wonder how I made it into college. :P Thank you!

[rainbowinthemaking]

Moving Forward From The Storm

It took me a long time to accept that the loss of our first child wasn’t my fault. I beat myself up for months about it, wondering if it was something I ate, or something I did. I was so careful once we found out we were expecting. I did everything every article online said I should; no medications, no scented/unnatural soaps, no hot baths, no heating pads, etc. I deprived myself of so much during those weeks trying to be extra careful to make sure this baby would stick. But life, especially pregnancy, doesn’t work that way I have grown to find out. 

Once I was able to accept this, it was easier to accept trying again. Each negative pregnancy test hurt though. So I stopped taking them. I’d wait at least a week past my expected period date, and tell myself I would test in the morning the next day. And each time, like a cruel joke, my period would rear it’s ugly head taking any hope out of the morning. Leaving me wondering if my cycle just suddenly wasn’t normal anymore, or if there were more losses than I cared to acknowledge. 

What no one tells you about trying to conceive is that the “trying” and the testing gets old. Real quick. It gets disappointing, dreadful and exhausting. The resentment starts to build up again, but that’s when I look for stories. Other stories give me hope and remind me that I am not alone in this. They remind me that my time will come, even if it isn’t naturally or maybe biologically isn’t my own. 

[raisingcharliebear]

@ makingourrainbow

YES! I will feed ALL of you!! I will post it through and feeeeeeed you :D Yay for the girl btw!!! 😘👶✨

[livinggabbyslife]

Books I highly recommend (and basic genres)

Please note: I haven't read some of these in years, and was trying to boil down need to know info without giving away the plot. I still highly recommend them but if you have issues with triggers you might want to do some research before reading, or find a different book. Non-supernatural Books:

The curious incident of the dog in the night time- Autistic POV / Crime Speak- Sexual Assault survival / High school sucks The Fault in our Stars- Chronic Illness / love Perks of Being a Wallflower- Mental Illness / High School Ender's Game- War Games / Schooling Uglies- Teenage Rebelling / Incidious Goverments

Supernatural Books:

the Mortal Instruments- Romance / Demons Cirque du Freak- Vampires / prophecy Blue Bloods- Vampires / Fallen Angels Harry Potter- Wizard / Boarding School

I can't think of any more but will add to it as time goes on.

[lucyjanexo]

@daisy:

Haha I'd send you some but it'd be cold by the time it got there :(

[rainbowinthemaking]

ERA Biopsy Results

As some of you know I had my uterine biopsy done June 1st. To say the experience was unpleasant would be an understatement. There is no medication provided (at our clinic, others provide valium or gas) for this despite being known to be excruciatingly painful for some. That pain was unlike anything I had experienced before and the doctor and nurse were apologizing to me throughout the procedure.

I broke down right after. Not from the pain but from the emotional gravity that this is the road I am forced to walk down. All the elective treatments and procedures. All the pain. All this money we are throwing towards this. All the emotional turmoil. The hormonal rollercoaster. The needles.

I would never choose this. But I don’t have a choice.

Luckily, she got a good enough sample that we didn’t need to do a secondary sweep and I was sent home to rest.

What I wasn’t prepared for was what the next 4 weeks had in store for me. I bleed so heavily (~8 tampons worth every hour or two) for 7 days I was unable to do anything. I still have cramps which overtake me with pain and stop as suddenly as they started.

I thought this month would be so enjoyable having a break from all the hormones but this might’ve been one of my worst months since starting treatment. Between the biopsy and suddenly stopping all hormones my body seems to be confused. Hot flashes, insomnia, mood swings (major ones, likely the worst ones yet, sorry Jordan), bloating, and acne.

Today, we finally had my biopsy follow up with our doctor. They came back as receptive, meaning we are in fact transferring at the optimal time. This means our protocol will relatively remain the same. However, I will be adding intralipid infusions (often used to help treat those with reoccurring miscarriages), and PIO shots. This will be in addition to the progesterone suppositories we did with our previous transfer.  

To say I am scared this time around is an understatement. This is metaphorically and literally the last egg in our basket. If this embryo does not take we would need to start a 2nd IVF cycle and pay the equivalent of a house downpayment yet again still with no guarantees.

I am tired. But I won’t give up.  

We’ll update you all again soon.

[rainbowinthemaking]

Here We Go!

IVF Information Session is done. We were told we are most likely looking at starting our first IVF cycle in March (this is much sooner than I expected and I am over the moon about that)! 

Also did more lab work this afternoon. This is the THIRD time they are testing my Anti-Müllerian hormone numbers (egg count). Hoping that the clinic finally gets the results this time. Third time is the charm, right?  

Our counselling session is next week. Then we will finally meet with our Doctor, sign the final consent forms and get our official cycle start date! 

I am nervous about our counselling session. I am sure we will do amazing, but I worry about it because it’s yet another thing out of my control. Throughout this TTC journey doctors have sometimes been a roadblock to us progressing. It’s scary to think that one psychologist could look at us and say ‘nope, they’re not ready.’

[rainbowinthemaking]

CD 1

Holy crap. Here we go.

CD1 has arrived and that means we are finally “locked in” to our treatment timeline. Now it is just a waiting game until the 8th to get my baseline blood test.

Once those results are in I am to start Estrace until my next cycle begins. The 5th week of March we will officially start our IVF cycle, with injections most likely starting around March 15.

The week of March 22 we will be going in to the clinic every second day for ultrasounds/bloodwork.

The week of March 29 is my anticipated egg retrieval week. A fresh embryo transfer will follow a few days later, or a frozen embryo transfer will be done the following month. I am at moderate risk for OHSS so that will determine whether we go ahead with a fresh or frozen transfer.

[rainbowinthemaking]

Here We Go!!

Final consent appointment is done! We have officially signed our lives away to the process and got our official IVF start date!

In about a week I start my oral medication (estrace) to prep me for our egg retrieval mid March! I am at moderate risk for ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS) so depending on how I progress, we will either do a fresh embryo transfer that month or a frozen one the following month (April).

[rainbowinthemaking]

“Maybe If You Stopped Trying It Would Happen”

I don’t think there is a sentence I hate more. 

I don’t think I have ever heard more flawed logic than this. You don’t get that football scholarship without trying hard and getting good grades. You don’t get that promotion without proving you have what it takes. You don’t win the lottery without buying a ticket. 

So why would I, someone diagnosed with infertility, suddenly get that bundle of joy when we stopped trying? Not focusing on it isn’t going to make me ovulate better. Not trying isn’t going to get anything fertilized (I mean, we have to TRY to even have the possibility of that happening, I’m not the Virgin Mary.)

Our pregnancy has a 2% of happening naturally according to our fertility clinic. Two. Percent. And that’s with trying. 

And to be honest, after 3 years we are tired of trying. I am tired of ovulation tests, I am tired of temperature checks, we are tired of losing the fun of intimacy. I am tired of being left to symptom spot, get my hopes up, and then ultimately be let down. 

We’re ready to move on to IVF. Which we have been told bumps our chances up to 50% per embryo. I like those odds a heck of a lot better. And we only get those odds with trying.

[rainbowinthemaking]

My Hysterosalpingography

My Hysterosalpingography was done November 6, 2020. 

I didn’t even know if I was going to make it to my appointment that day as my husband was feeling under the weather and we were waiting to get his COVID test results back. The night before they still weren’t in and I was panicking. I wanted my husband to cancel our appointment because I was so worried about having to cancel an hour before and no one getting that spot for the HSG test. (The way it works here is that they only do them at the hospital certain days a week and depending when your cycle starts you usually take 2-3 cycles to get in. We were so lucky and had gotten in on my first.) My husband, Jordan had convinced me not to give it up, and he had faith that the results would come in with enough time. And, he was right. About 3 hours before my appointment we got that negative result and my procedure was a go! Jordan drove me to the appointment but wasn’t permitted to join me inside. 

After passing their COVID screening and finally finding out where in the hospital I was supposed to be I was ushered to a change room, given a hospital robe and asked to undress completely. Once changed in to robe I was moved in to a hospital hallway with 6 chairs all 6 feet apart. I don’t know if this experience was standard, or if it was because of COVID but I hated this part most. For 40 minutes I sat basically naked and cold in a public hallway. The only comfort was watching the girls ahead of me slowly being called in, knowing my time would soon be next. I heard the hum of the x-ray machine and counted in my head just how long it lasted. I planned to use this to help me cope during my procedure. I figured if I knew exactly how many seconds it was going to be I could do a better job with getting myself to cope if it was painful. I’m sure it would’ve helped, but I was far too nervous to remember the seconds once it was my time. 

I was lucky enough that my fertility doctor was actually the one doing the procedure so we finally got to meet face to face. Going through fertility treatments during a pandemic has been weird to say the least. It’s crazy to think it took over a month since being accepted in to our fertility clinic that I actually got to see at least half of our doctor’s face. And we will have been working with them almost 5 months before we actually get to step foot in to the clinic.

I was worried it was going to hurt and it did but hopefully I’ll never have to do it again. I knew it would feel pressure, but I couldn’t believe how strong that pressure got. At one point I almost asked them to stop because I felt like my uterus was going to explode. 

Luckily, my results were good! Both tubes were wide open. Though there is a slight curve to the top of my uterus. Our doctor said it’s still within the realm of normality so he’s not too concerned about that currently.