#making this list made me feel like my liver was falling

[w3ath3r-0f-sw34t3rz]

ok i know that bridges aren't something to be taken lightly amongst the swifties and that people don't typically think of vigilante shit as a musical marvel (hurts to say but i suppose it's true) but that mf bridge is SO underrated. i know it's short and nothing crazy but UGGGHHGGHHGF.

anyways here's my nbd top 13 bridges list

come at me (please don't i will cry)

[peppermintquartz]

"What's with the long face?" Buck asks his brother-in-law who is currently slumped over the dining table. It's already dark, nearing eleven.

"Nothing. Missing our friends is all."

Gerrard's reshuffled the teams and both Buck and Chimney are stuck with each other, while Eddie and Hen are on the A team. It isn't as if Buck can't work with the others, it's just that he misses the usual bantering that he can have with Hen and Eddie.

Buck retrieves a bottle of kombucha from the fridge. "Yeah, same. It's weird."

Chimney huffs. "Also, I feel like a lousy dad."

"Why would you say that?" Buck raises his eyebrows and takes a sip of the kombucha. He hides his grimace. It's supposed to detoxify his liver or something, but it tastes strange. He's going to put kombucha on his Nope list.

"Jee squeezed a whole tube of toothpaste into the toilet the other day, when I'd just got home," the older man says, "so I lost my temper and scolded her until she cried. I feel like a monster."

Buck pats him on the back. "You know you're not. That was naughty of her and she needed to be corrected.*

"Yes, logically I know that, but when she cries my heart just feels like I'm being stabbed," says Chimney, adding, "and I know exactly how that feels."

Grimacing, Buck makes himself drain the bottle of kombucha. "Well, on the bright side, you're not following the examples of my dad, or yours, so I consider you to be doing well. What did my sister say?"

"She backed me up, but later told me I was too harsh. Made me clean the mess up and do bedtime story duty."

"There you go. Maddie's not gonna play good cop, bad cop. United front and all that."

Chimney sits up, lets his head fall back to look at the ceiling. "I worry every day if I'm making the right decisions about my baby. And she's growing up so fast."

Buck tilts his head to study his brother-in-law. Then he says, "You're a good dad, Chim. She's gonna grow up amazing."

"Like me?" Chimney asks with a small grin. He's setting up the ball for Buck to take the shot.

Chuckling, Buck winks and says, "Nah. Like Maddie."

[olderthannetfic]

https://olderthannetfic.tumblr.com/post/733536361807806464/you-know-what-medical-pet-peeve-i-kind-understand

To "answer" the first point: I know why it's a requirement, that's why I started of with "I kind understand it but I still find it stupid and hate it." I could have made it clearer that I know exactly why, but I didn't want to spend too much time on it. But to elaborate, when I was told about the requirement to take birth control, I also got an entire 10 page A4 pamphlet with every side effect and explanation as to what to expect, and what/why I'd need to do, and why I'd need to take birth control. I understood the reasoning they gave, but I also found it dumb because I'm just not in the "risk" category because I simply do not engage in any activities that could result in a pregnancy, nor would I have an interest in carrying one out if it still magically happened. Sorry Jesus 2.0. Also, I'm not in the US, and where I am abortions are legal and accessible.

As to the IUD thing. The dermatologists I spoke to, two of them, said that even if I did use a IUD I'd still be required to take birth control because it might fall out, and they also said that it's an issue of them having to prescribe the birth control together with the Isotretinoin. Basically the birth control and the acne medicine would have to be prescribed by the same doctor as a confirmation that I'm not doing it without birth control, and since they don't do IUD's it wouldn't "count" even if it was a valid option, which it isn't. No clue what happens if another doctor already prescribes a patient Birth control.

As to just not taking the birth control, I actually don't know what they'd do if you don't take the birth control, best case they don't care, worst case they might just deny me from getting the medicine I actually want I guess. I also don't know if the piss test also covers checking for the birth control, what I do know is that it tests for pregnancy, and you also get a blood test to test the liver status. Idk what more it does, I don't remember everything from the pamphlet.

There were no notes on what happens if you still get pregnant even if you're on the BC, I'm guessing you'd be taken off Isotretinoin. Not sure, didn't ask, I'm not planning on getting pregnant so it wasn't a question on my mind.

Also since I'm already talking about the pamphlet. If you are a woman, a person with an uterus, or are listed as female like on your birth certificate, you have to take birth control. Which was kinda funny because it seems to cover everyone except cis men. Menopause, transmen, even if you've had your tubes tied/hysterectomy you'd have to take it. And trans women, though I'm not sure if that was just a "cover our asses" and you don't actually have to take it if you have medical proof of being a transwoman.

It's honestly just very frustrating because I understand the reasoning, but it also makes people like me completely unable getting a treatment which could help me with a giant insecurity and give me a quality of life upgrade, just because I can't take birth control without giant side effects that could make my life much worse. Just because some people decided to fuck around and find out. It feels kinda like I'm being punished and forced towards a basically impossible choice, because of the dumb choices of others.

You know, just because some people are dumb, they ruin it for everyone who's not dumb.

TMI originally I took birth control to try and fix my skin, which is why I know the side effects on my body and stopped. I remember at some point in my teens my insecurity was so bad, and my mental health, if I had been given the information of this medication that could help me and then been basically told that I can't take it unless I again take a medication that I know causes me so much pain and I think I might have done something to myself. Like I mentioned when using birth control I had "bloating, nausea, periods , weight fluctuation, itchy for some reason, one even made me leak and then my breasts got so badly inflamed wearing a shirt was agony..." to add and explain it made my periods worse, including cramping and instead of helping with my skin it actually made that worse. I have no idea why birth control made me itchy but it also ended up with me constantly have welts all over my body because I kept scratching, maybe it somehow made me my skin more sensitive and "thin". I tried a few birth controls because my doctor back then tried to find one that worked, and none of them did.

--

You could be allergic to anything in the pills from the actual hormones to the dyes, though this description does sound like online descriptions of reactions to synthetic progesterone. Very annoying.

[bloodyknucklesforme]

Sauvignon Blanc | Guest Check

Tags: Nina first person POV train of consciousness, suicidal thoughts, self harm, substance abuse, it's a heavy one, sorry

The year I was born was the year that the government made it so that paracetamol had to be sold in blister packs rather than bottles. It was meant to prevent suicides as opening up individual packs was harder and gave a person more time to think. I want nothing more than to kill myself every time I have to dig my nail in to pop the foil but whatever. It worked, at least from what I've been told, never bothered to actually look it up.

Paracetamol poisoning is lousy fucking way to go anyways. Very English to choose a slow and miserable death. On par with the other preferred, yet slow, method of alcoholism. Nothing beats a destroyed liver and kidneys, I suppose.

I decided years ago how I'd kill myself. I won't mention it here in case someone gets nosy and gets me sectioned. It's not something I dwell on, but it feels like a back up plan, I guess. Like how some women have a secret cash fund in case their boyfriend beats them, I have my suicide plan.

I don't want to kill myself. More out of not wanting to hurt Kyle than anything else. It also seems like too much work most days. Why kill myself when I can drink a bottle of wine and curl up in bed?

There are rough days.

Like a spring is being compressed inside me and one day it'll release in some violent display against myself. I have to gently release the pressure. Always quietly. Always invisibly. Fear of my father trumped all other emotions growing up.

Plucking body hair (avoid the face!) and skin picking and scratching (avoid face and hands!) being two particular favorites of mine. One pair of tweezers can reliably do both. Sit in the tub to clean away any hair, skin or blood. Come out and present myself like the glossy, red eyed girl I am.

It's my biggest secret, strangely proud of that. Kyle doesn't know, despite once walking in on me aggressively plucking arm pit hair out (Do you not own a razor, you weirdo?). Growing up in the early era of "mental health awareness" that hammered in this behavior was not done for attention. That only made me feel worse as a teen, who fantasied whole heartedly about her father walking in on her, razor in hand, who would then fall to his knees and sob out apologies for not paying enough attention to her to notice. I never good at getting his attention in the first place so feeling like it was faux pas only increased my covert skills.

None of that helps with the post pain shame. The patheticness of it all. If I was a man I could simply punch a whole in the wall and break my fist. I don't want any more pity. My family is already dead.

Everyone looks at me different now. i try to act like it doesn't bother me and most of the time it doesn't. I'm not really friends with the rest of the staff at work.

It's Kyle though. Twenty odd years of friendship and he looks at me differently. I don't know if its pity or something else but I hate it. It's like he gets sad looking at me. I don't want to be that. Sex was never rough rough but now its like he doesn't want to break me, like he's afraid to touch me.

We broke up. I couldn't fucking do it. It was like chewing glass.

The only person who doesn't look at me differently, abiet he rarely looks at me at all, is Simon. Maybe it's why I let him take me home and basically give him free reign.

I don't have to think about it. I don't have to worry about him telling me he loves me. I don't have to worry about disappointing him. It might be because he doesn't actually like me so nothing I do will make him think less of me. I can just lay there. He does the work to make me cum and that's it. Wears a condom without complaint too.

It's easy.

He doesn't stay the night, which is fine, I can just enjoy myself with a bottle of wine in bed.

Tag List: @queen-ilmaree@macravishedbymactavish@gogh-with-the-flow@water-bearz @pvssytrux

[the-personiftranslator]

So You Want To Eat A Personification

One day, it was asked what personif would taste like.

Well, it depends on your relation to that personif, the part of the personif you’re eating, how you’re eating the personif, and which personif you’re eating. The Foundation is agreed by all to be very unpleasant except for O5-10 Kay Martin, and they drink coffee the way they drink coffee, so I don’t think they’re the best judge on taste anyway.

Meat and other bodily parts taken from a dead personif will of course be different from such sliced or siphoned from a living one. Blood often becomes tasteless, which is, according to Geog, the reason so many people in the modern day worship the HRE. They ingested his blood accidentally through the water supply.

Blood is the most common part of personif consumed, due to its significance in human culture as a whole, its relatively easy acquisition, and the fact it won’t kill you instantly if it’s your first time eating personif the way cerebrospinal fluid would. If you are eating the blood of a personif for the first time and have not had exchange for very long with them, 1) please compare your existing knowledge of the personif to the BITE model one more time to make sure she’s not actually a cultspirit because a lot of cultspirits do this to signal that you’re taken to other personifs, 2) your safe dose is less than a cup. Exact dosages that will not result in you falling violently ill vary depending on person, but generally if you start feeling nauseous, stop and drink a normal liquid.

Fat and muscle are also relatively beginner-safe parts of a personif to try. The most common places of harvest are the thighs and forearms for reasons that are immediately apparent if you look at an impact play safety guide.

Organs! Now, I hope I don’t have to say that unless you have been provided with an adequate explanation for how they were able to source organ meat from a living personif that doesn’t entail torture, you probably shouldn’t eat it and it would be wise to leave immediately and call anyone other than the SCP Foundation. Assuming you are sure the kidney on your table was sourced somewhat ethically, I’ll run through a list of some major organs and explain what they might taste like based on common symbolism associated with them. For OTJs and STJs, because NTJs don’t take as well to being eaten in general.

Eyes: they’re often crunchy like glass and may cut your mouth like glass would, but I’ve never put glass in that particular orifice of my body so I wouldn’t know. I also have never eaten an eye because the texture freaks me out.

Nose: it has been universally reported that it will taste the way the personif’s true body smells.

Lips: lecterns and mass protests.

Neck: I’ll be talking about that on @yourcityisanomega.

Heart: do NOT eat this unless you know the personif personally because you WILL die. I cannot emphasize enough that with these fuckers symbolism is everything. If you do know the personif well enough to not die, I can’t give you any pointers on the taste other than that it will be very strong, and you’ll likely feel as if you’re on the sugar high of your life afterward. Because you are. You’re high. You’re eating a creature made out of your own thoughts. You probably need to reevaluate your work-life balance. How are your children doing? Do you have children at all? Did you want to before you met this personif? (And for the love of the god that you’ve replaced with her don’t have children WITH the personif it’s got a higher chance of going wrong than fucking your sibling will and also if you know the personif that well you’re probably in charge of a major part of her and that’s dubcon by default.)

Liver, kidneys, anything part of the urinary system: it’s going to smell and taste like the wastewater treatment plant no matter what you do because that’s what it fucking is. Just don’t eat it.

Lungs: again, it’s going to taste the way the true body smells, but the texture will be much more interesting.

Anything in the endocrine system: odd choice, but okay. This is also probably a bad idea to eat as an initiation ritual because you’ll feel like a teenager all over again, and if you’re eating the adrenal glands, you’ve got a high chance of developing an anxiety disorder.

Stomach, intestines, anything in the digestive system: it might taste like actual food. Highly recommend if you’ve known the personif long enough for it not to be a shock. (I really like beef tripe so I’m probably biased on this.)

Reproductive system: @yourcityisanomega.

Brain/cerebrospinal fluid: if you’re not prepared the trip will be worse than Datura. Don’t. Just don’t. It is a controlled substance and you could be arrested, assuming you survive at all. Even a drop of the stuff can knock you out for days reliving the personif’s worst memories. And then you’ll spend the rest of your very short life doing nothing but worshipping them.

Now, why would you want to do any of this?

You might be curious—Geog definitely was. Or you might be French and this isn’t that far removed from your normal diet. But the most likely reason is that you want to ensure that someone can take you out of your personif, but they’ll never take your personif out of you. Eating them facilitates exchange and allows you a slight window into their mind, while you become more susceptible to their influence. Throughout history, many groups have drunken small amounts of personif blood to increase unity in dire situations, or larger amounts as a test of loyalty. The O5 Council requires daily consumption of Ira Siegel for a few months by those undergoing training for the position.

But exchange means letting an outside force manipulate your thoughts, and too much of it turns you into the personif’s puppet, or a very messy codependent father-daughter relationship like with Aaron and Ira. For those who don’t build up tolerance, the shock can kill.

I blame the goihumans discord server for everything.

[madlymutt]

swinging between the most serene, idealistic perfect mood to a zoned out major depressive sisyphean suddenly symptomatic of the disorders I have and there’s never an in between. Ugh everytime she tries to get back into contact I just crash out like ugh let it go let me go leave me alone. Maybe I’m just as guilty for checking that goddamn site maybe I’m just as desperate I just want to be normal

upset friend told me i just had this relaxation to me, like I just calmed things down and I want to say make things better but she didn’t say that. Would’ve felt good though. It did feel good. It made things worth it, put it into perspective. Suddenly I’m the best I’ve ever felt and suddenly meaningful and wonderful and worthy. The funniest thing in the world. and just as suddenly am I the void. The bad half of a good time. The sting in a rib. The popped liver. The wrong person, wrong time. A flat note. All the things that make a good man and falling shortly flat on his face

Realizing I have the tendency to just list synonyms in my head whenever I’m stressed. Repeatedly, insistently persistently unnervingly. Either that or I just imagine popping a bullet between my eyes

[mephistopheleswasrobbed]

List 5 things that make you happy and send this to the last 10 people who liked/reblogged something from you. Get to know your followers and mutuals!

I have never posted anything on here, but I was tagged by @red-hibiscus so I thought I could use this opportunity to start.

My dog. Technically my mom's dog but who cares. I had been a cat person all my life until i moved out and my mom decided to replace me with the most beautiful, softest and most empty-headed yet surprisingly capable creature I have ever laid eyes on. Just looking at this little sister of mine makes me instantly happy and I can never be mad at her even when she keeps me up all night because she heard a pebble fall down somewhere and now she's scared and making it everyones problem.

Theatre. (normal spoken plays, think Shakespeare, not musicals) I love the theatre, weather going to see a play as a spectator or participating myself. The small-ish theatre in the town I grew up in sometimes feels more like home than any house I've ever lived in. Lying on the painted-black wooden floor behind the backdrop, listening to the slightly muted sounds of others rehearsing scenes I'm not in. That's a feeling of true contentedness for me.

A view of mountains. I was born close to the mountains, and even after I moved away at the age of five, I came back for almost every school break until I was old enough to be on my own for extended periods of time. And though I'm not an increadibly enthusiastic hiker and lost all enjoyment of skiing when my younger cousins, who live there year-round, inevitably got much better at it than me, the sight of a mountain range still makes me feel happy and grounded.

Water. I love existing in water, be that swimming or just lounging or even diving (not too deep, my ears can't handle it). I used to dream of being a mermaid as a child and if I'm honest I might have still not entirely grown out of that.

Hugs. I'm quite the loner. I prefere not being perceived by humans about 90% of the time. Unfortunately, that often leaves me somewhat touch-starved so a hug from a friend or, depending on the right circumstances, a stranger usually goes quite a long way to filling that persistent small hole, hidden somewhere between my liver and my stomach.

If you made it through my weird writing, please note that English is not my native language and I can only write in one of two modes: extremely casual with no sign of cohesion, punctuation or correct spelling OR borderline pretentious run-on sentences with made up punctuation and variably successful spelling attempts.

Since this is literally my first post, I don't have anyone to tag. So if you somehow came across this post and haven't been tagged yet, feel free to consider yourself tagged, or not.

[atlanticcanada]

A liver for Karla: Dying for a match

EDITORS NOTE: This series was produced by veteran CTV Atlantic anchor and reporter Bruce Frisko, documenting his sister's successful liver transplant surgery in May of 2022. Karla Frisko found a match in Scott Watson, a co-worker who was inspired to sign up for living donor testing after hearing her story. Although liver transplants are performed across Canada, living donor programs are not available in some provinces.

It's hard to know what to pack when you don't know how long you'll be in hospital, but likes scores of transplant patients, Karla Frisko, my sister, was giving it her best shot on Sunday, May 1 in Edmonton.

Having made her home in Calgary, Alta., since 2002, she'd booked an AirBnB for a month in the provincial capital, but would ultimately wind-up staying 10 weeks.

Just a couple of hours earlier, she was relieved to learn Scott Watson, her living donor, had tested negative for COVID-19.

A previous test had come back “indeterminate.”

"It's not positive. It's not negative. It's basically, there's no response," Scott explained to Karla via FaceTime.

Living with severe Crohn's-Colitis all of her adult life, Karla developed primary sclerosing cholangitis (PSC) in 2016.

The disease, which causes a narrowing of the bile ducts, is considered quite rare and there's no cure: a transplant is the only remedy.

Although increasingly sick, her condition wasn't considered severe enough to make her eligible for a donation from a deceased donor, so the hunt began to find someone willing to donate through Alberta's Living Donor Program.

Scott Watson, a co-worker who'd never met Karla in person, was inspired to get tested as a potential donor after hearing her story, and the match turned out to be perfect.

A remarkable organ, a donor liver will regenerate and grow back.

The Liver foundation says there were close to 600 transplants performed in Canada in 2021, but more than 500 on the wait-list.

"Right now, about one in four Canadians may be affected by liver disease," said Nem Maksimovic, senior manager of support and education at the Canadian Liver Foundation.

"Nationally, the entire country has been experiencing a shortage and that impacts greatly the amount of transplants that can be completed -- how many surgeries can be completed," said Maksimovic.

"And how many folks end up waiting, and in some cases, dying on the transplant list."

All of this hard on our 82-year-old, Ed Frisko, a retired Saskatchewan farmer.

For nearly 30 years during her battle with Crohn's-Colitis, he's been powerless to do anything to help his only daughter.

Now, there's hope of dealing with the more urgent PSC.

"Well, I'm feeling good," he says.

"I'm happy that Karla's finally going to get in and get looked after."

"This has been going on a long time, right?" I ask.

"Yes -- ever since she's was in her teens," he says.

"It's been a long time."

By late afternoon, we're ready to take Karla to the University of Alberta Hospital, where the surgery will take place the next morning.

Dad insists on carrying her bag -- we're all looking for ways to be helpful at a time when none of us know what to expect.

For her part, Karla expresses gratitude at getting to this point.

"I'm very overwhelmed by the people who have reached out to give me their support," she says.

I probably should have let people know this was going on a little bit sooner, and perhaps maybe we would have had a bigger pool of testing."

After admission, visitation is strictly limited, and Karla's alone with her thoughts, which are occasionally overwhelming.

And as night falls on the sprawling University of Alberta Hospital, we wait, giving it our best shot to be grateful -- and patient.

from CTV News - Atlantic https://ift.tt/2Ju34VC

[anotherdayforchaosfay]

Text ID: A text image. The top is in bold black on white and reads "I took 2 500 mg THC edibles and hour ago and it's only getting worse. What do I do to get rid of it? I'm super stoned."

The reply is below this, standard black on white text, and reads "Bro I'm so sorry for you. Just go outside now and hold on to the grass as tight as you can so you don't fall off the Earth. This is about to be one of those hard Life lesson."

/end text ID

Y'all...I can't manage more than 25 mg, 50 mg makes me vomit, and 100 mg had me near comatose. This dude is a fucking amateur. Those high dose edibles are meant to be cut into parts, not taken all at once. Start at a smaller dosage! Learn your limits! Also, the effects are about as gradual as a brick to the brain. One minute you're minding your own business and then it hits all at once. When it hits, watch a favorite movie or show; it'll be like watching it for the first time, you'll pick upon details you didn't understand before. Watch a bad film, and it may end up being tolerable or good while stoned (this is the only way I can watch the new Dune film because of a long list of reasons). Science and nature documentaries hit different when stoned as well.

Edible stoned is a vastly different experience than smoking weed. Your liver processes it, unlike when inhaling it. It's more of a full-body experience. I know folks who've been smoking weed for decades and cannot tolerate edibles. I'm the opposite, partially due to asthma, but also because I genuinely feel better on edibles (chronic pain, chronic nausea, severe insomnia).

If you wanna try edibles, but would rather get samples instead of spending a lot, here's my referral code for Moonwlkr. This is 100% legal in most US states because it's made from hemp, not weed. You can see the list here to determine if it's legal for it to be shipped to you. They have sample packs, so check those out if you want to and if it's legal for you to do so. If you have medical conditions or on meds you're not sure will conflict with the products, talk to your doctor/prescriber. My neurologist hates all things THC and CBD, but confirmed it's safe for me to use.

Start at a low fucking dose. Please. As low as 5 mg, wait an hour, see what happens. Work up from there, and WAIT between doses. If you go too high, you'll feel the Earth's rotation, will hallucinate like fuck, and your grip on reality will become questionable. I use 25 mg of CBD to 5 mg THC (combination edible) most nights. On bad nights, it's 12.5 mg THC to 12.5 mg CBD (combination edible). I'll watch films I've seen a million times, or read a book, or haul my ass to bed when the effects kick in.

If you're new to edibles, have someone with you that can help you cope. Ideally, someone who's experienced and knows what to do when you get funky. If anxiety or panic sets in, lay on the floor (ideally with carpeting, a rug, or something soft beneath you) or grass. Just focus on the way your body is experiencing gravity. Breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth, and acknowledge what you're feeling. Don't focus on anything but the way the air and gravity feels. Reduce stimulation with a blindfold and earplugs or sound-cancelling headphones. I'm autistic and I have ADHD. Over stimulation is just as bad as being under stimulated. When I find myself overwhelmed by the effects, I go to bed. Lay on my back, experience the mattress, the texture of the sheets, weight of the blanket, and the sound of my cats purring (they loves snuggling in bed with me).

Oh, and take a shit BEFORE the effects hit. The reason you get munchies is due to your stomach relaxing. That same effect will make it virtually impossible to shit due to the muscles being too relaxed to move anything. Have a good thorough bowel movement before you have an edible. Munchies are 100x more intense with edibles than they are with smoking.

You're welcome.

[jisungsmochi]

traitor - lee jeno

starting my SOUR series !! based on songs by olivia rodrigo, here is the first installment. 

player (?) jeno x female reader // friends to lovers but then goes all downhill from there

word count: 7.1k 

summary: “god i wish i had thought this through, before i went and fell inlove with you”

you were more than aware of jeno’s inability to keep it in his pants, but after a reckless one night stand, you finally understood what it was like to be on the receiving end. but when jeno slips back into his old habits, will you have the heart to move on? i mean how could you get over somebody you didn’t even date...

a/n: sorry for any mistakes as usual oop

tagging bestie: @skrtbabe <3

//

Brown guilty eyes, and

Little white lies, yeah

I played dumb, but I always knew

//

“god what did you do now?” you shook your head at the raven haired boy with a blank expression. he shrugged his shoulders, eyebrows perking up,

“i just decided we were better off as friends” ah yes, lee jeno’s code for ‘she was just a fling, i couldn’t care less’. you only nodded, how else were you supposed to respond? you weren’t exactly his closest friend, but he considered you enough of a friend due to your closeness to jaemin.

you knew that he was a player, finding some sort of entertainment, getting girls to fall for him. you couldn’t really blame them, he was strikingly handsome and had his way with words. the only reason he hadn’t tried anything on you yet was because you didn’t exactly “fit his type”. also, jaemin pleaded him not to, in order to avoid any awkward situations within your friendship. jeno was occasionally playful with you, but you viewed it more of a sister-brother type thing, rather than him trying to flirt.

jaemin has introduced you to jeno near the end of high school. the three of you attended plenty of parties together ( well as many as you could before college started ). your first semester of college consisted of intense study sessions with jaemin in the library, jeno occasionally tagging along. you were both sure he was failing his classes but he didn’t seem to care much. his main focus consisting of getting wasted at as many frat parties he could. 

finals were done and dusted so after your last exam, you got ready for some random frat party being held tonight. you were meeting up with jaemin prior,

“time to party or what?” you gleamed at your best friend, jumping onto his bed as he curled into a ball. you frowned at the sight,

“i’m not feeling so good, you should go without me! go with jeno” jaemin groaned, his stomach pains getting the best of him.

“oh damn, want me to keep you company tonight instead?” you sat next to him, forcing him to sit up with you.

“no no, i’m probably going to take some meds and then knock out for the rest of the night. just go with jeno, it won’t be so bad! i’ll tell him to take care of you” jaemin assured, making sure you were on board. you let out a soft sigh,

“it’s so awkward between jeno and i, right? does he even like me, as a friend?” you lay your head on jaemin’s shoulder, feeling him softly chuckle at your words.

“jeno just thinks you’re really sweet. like you have this innocence to you. he doesn’t wanna be a bad influence or anything, that’s all” you just nod, that was somewhat comforting to know. before you could respond, there was a knock on jaemin’s door. the one and only, lee jeno was standing there in all this glory.

“yeah y/n, i don’t wanna be a bad influence” he smirked as he entered the room. you felt slightly embarrassed he had eavesdropped on the conversation but jaemin decided to interject.

“take her to the party tonight, she needs to have some fun” jaemin shoved you towards jeno, causing you to bump into

his shoulder. he just smirked, nodding along to his friend’s wishes.

“come on, i’ll show you a good time” jeno practically dragged you out of the room. his grip on your wrist was quite firm, he didn’t let go until you both reached his car. jeno opened the passenger side door for you, gesturing for you to enter. jeno made his way to the driver’s side, a constant grin on his face.

“surprised to see you so dressed up” he started the car. you were taken back at first, but this was just part of your usual banter.

“so glad you noticed, i did this all for you” you grinned, feeling quite flushed in the face. jeno just let out a soft chuckle, finding your confidence amusing.

“you’re not drinking tonight?” you questioned, looking over to him.

“nah, kinda trying to cut out alcohol from my diet if i wanna have a healthy liver you know?” his eyes flicked towards you, watching as you started fixing your makeup using your phone camera.

“but don’t worry sweetheart, i’ll take good care of you so jaemin doesn’t beat my ass. don’t get too wasted or you might do something you regret” jeno warned but his words went in one ear and out the other. you knew he was going to ditch you midway through, probably off with another one of his hookups. you didn’t need a babysitter, you were perfectly capable to party on your own.

long story short, you got bored after a few drinks, now sitting on a swinging hammock on the porch of the house. as expected, jeno had left your side a while ago, off to greet his own friends. you were scrolling on your phone, thinking of texting jaemin about how he wasn’t missing out on much. but you were interrupted when jeno sat down next to you.

“bored already?” he snuggled a little too close to comfort, softly swinging the both of you in the hammock.

“you could say that” you shrugged, switching off your phone, giving him all your attention. he looked really handsome in this light, strands of his hair sticking in random places, a slight flush to his cheeks due to the cold.

“wanna get out of here then? i’ll take you home” he stood up, offering you his hand.

“wow you’re being such a gentleman tonight” you snickered, taking his hand in yours as you strolled to his car.

“i’ll always be a gentleman for you”

why did he keep saying these things?

the ride to your apartment wasn’t as awkward as you initially thought. jeno insisted you play some music, his fingers lingering near your knee, tapping ever so softly on the surface of your skin. you held your breath at the touch, he was just being a good friend...right?

as jeno pulled up to your apartment building, part of you didn’t want the night to end. he looked over at you with his glorious brown eyes and you were mesmerised. jeno noticed the way you were looking at him, feeling quite giddy with himself. he had always thought you were pretty, in a cute, dorky way. but tonight, you looked electrifying. he was in awe.

as you looked into his eyes, you felt yourself lean closer to him. jeno couldn’t hide his grin, leaning to meet you in the middle.

“may i kiss you?” you asked nervously, which only added to how adorable jeno found you. his hand met your cheek, softly stroking your skin before nodding,

“don’t even need to ask me, love” he quickly pressed his lips onto yours, giving you instant butterflies.

it finally hit you, holy shit, you were kissing lee jeno right now.

you allowed his tongue to enter your mouth, deepening the kiss. it felt like his lips were meant for yours, in a non-cliche way. he was so gentle, yet so passionate with you. he pulled away, leaving you feeling empty inside.

“how far do you wanna go tonight?” that question had you stunned. you weren’t the type for one night stands, but this was jeno. it was like second nature to him. you almost didn’t even have to think twice, you just needed his lips on yours again.

“all the way” you bit your lip anxiously, awaiting his response. jeno’s eyes widened, taken aback by your new found confidence.

“say less, but we should probably get into bed or something” he chuckled, giving you a warm feeling in your stomach. you could practically hear jaemin’s warnings going off like a siren in your head. but when jeno pulled you into your apartment, gently placing you on the bed, lips constantly attached to yours, you drowned out any other thoughts that were occupying your mind.

college was all about new experiences. so naturally, having a random hookup with an attractive guy would be on the list. just for once, you wanted to know what it was like to hookup with lee jeno, even if you were just another number to him.

//

the very next morning, your eyes fluttered open, taking a few moments to fully immerse yourself in the new day ahead. your gaze finally drags over to the sleepy boy next to you. you couldn’t help but admire his side profile, especially his plump lips.

“stop staring, you’re making me shy” he suddenly grumbled, pulling you closer to him, nuzzling his face in your chest. you immediately froze, of course he was awake.

“last night was fun” he mumbled into your skin, softly smirking to himself. you just sighed, he wasn’t wrong per se, you just weren’t sure what this meant for your friendship.

“y-yeah, it was” was all you managed to say, jeno felt there was something off, moving his head to face you. he pulled your chin to meet his face, placing a gently kiss to your lips.

“did you like it?” you knew he was just being cocky right now, but you couldn’t help but engage in his banter.

“nope, worst hookup of my life!” you exaggerated before burying your face into his chest. he shook his head playfully, stroking your hair as you wrapped your arms around his torso.

“what will happen once jaemin finds out?” jeno started to worry, the last thing he needed was jaemin beating his ass for hooking up with his best friend.

“he’ll be mad for like five seconds and probably scold you too” jeno raised his eyebrows, preparing himself for the confrontation.

“there isn’t much he can do about it though” he placed another gentle kiss to your forehead, continuing to stroke your hair.

“let’s do something today, just you and me. you can pick what we do” jeno suddenly offered, causing you to perk up and sit against the headboard.

“well i need to do some grocery shopping, and some chores around the place, it’s kinda messy if you haven’t noticed. but that’s gonna be so boring-“

“i’ll keep you company”

“come again?”

“i’ll help you go shopping and clean, it’s no biggie” jeno smiled softly at you, making your knees go weak. you hoped he wasn’t just been nice because you had slept together...

//

your trip to the grocery store was surprisingly fun. jeno pushed the cart as you mentally ticked off your list of items to buy. he would make small conversation, giving his opinion on which brands were better. he always made sure to walk very close to you, despite pushing the cart. it was like he never left your side the entire trip. and once you got back to your apartment, jeno offered to carry all the bags, making you flustered. he didn’t have to be so...nice?

“you can just leave the bags on the bench, i’ll unpack” you smiled at him, gently tapping his back. jeno nodded, quickly pulling you by the waist, your breath hitched as he placed a gentle kiss to your forehead.

“i’ll make some brunch” he smiled softly, pulling away, starting to heat up a pan on the stove. you were still in shock by his display of affection. is this what he did with all his hookups?

you didn’t have the heart to tell jeno to go home, but he seemed to have understood that he had overstayed his welcome.

“i should probably get going, you know, to

shower and all” he had a smug look on his face that you couldn’t help but giggle at. you led him to the door, the sun having just set.

“i’ll see you around i guess” you tried to make this send off as normal as possible, but jeno had other plans.

“no goodbye kiss?”

“huh”

“ah i see, you’re just shy, see you around y/n” he pulled you in for a side hug, waving softly as he made his way out the door. this had to be a one time thing.

//

it had been over a week since you had last seen jeno. and naturally you filled jaemin in on all the events of that night. to say he was shocked as an understatement,

“i cant believe YOU slept with HIM. you’re gorgeous, the prettiest best friend ever, but really? jeno?” jaemin shook his head. you weren’t sure if he was disappointedly or just surprised.

“i-i know. it didn’t mean to play out that way. he’s just really charming. and he’s kind of a gentleman” you couldn’t help but feel some heat rise to your cheeks. jaemin picked up immediately, of course you were already smitten.

“i say this in the most loving way possible, don’t get too involved with him. yeah you guys hooked up, but he is not the relationship type. at all. i don’t want to see you hurt” jaemin pulled you to his side as you both sat with your backs against the headboard of your bed.

“yeah, i’ll be careful” you say out loud...‘or atleast i’ll try to be’ you thought to yourself. this was going to be harder than you anticipated.

seeing jeno around campus was bound to happen. you assumed he would just shoot you a wave or a head nod to greet you but you were wrong. he would offer to walk with you to your classes, even hold your bag for you. he’d even ask if you wanted to go off campus to have lunch. you didn’t exactly reject any of these offers, but you couldn’t help but feel a little uneasy. did he suddenly like you? or is he just trying to not make things awkward between you both? whatever it was, it wasn’t helping your growing crush on the dark haired heartthrob. you were in trouble.

//

one day, jeno had invited himself over to prepare for his upcoming economics quiz. you tried your best to help him study, but then you remembered...lee jeno doesn’t ‘study’, he winged almost every exam and barely passed. C’s get degrees (atleast that was his mindset).

“i’m tired, let’s pick this up again tomorrow” jeno yawned, pushing his textbook to the side as he sprawled his whole body onto your bedroom floor. you were seated on your bed, looking down at the hopeless boy.

“are you sure? we only have one more set of practice questions to go through” you pout, actually finding enjoyment helping him study. jeno shook his head profusely,

“no i’d rather hang out with you” he jumped onto your bed, landing right next to you, wrapping you in his arms.

“i mean, if that’s okay with you” you just nodded, feeling yourself relax in his embrace. jeno gently pulled you down so you were both laying down, facing eachother.

your eyes flickered over his features, his structured nose and jaw, his glimmering eyes and his soft lips. your fingers made their way to graze over his lips, causing him to pout.

“you’re so cute” he mumbled. you moved your hand to hide your face, feeling more flustered than ever.

“why are you getting all shy with me now? did you forget that we had sex? or was that just a really good dream?” he continued to tease, poking at your sides, causing you to let out a loud laugh. you immediately placed your hand over your mouth, feeling embarrassed by the sound that had just left it. jeno raised an eyebrow at you, slightly frowning.

“hey i like making you laugh, so i expect to hear it!”

“s-sorry, i really don’t know why i’m being like this. i-i just, it’s all catching me off guard you know?” you sighed, allowing jeno’s fingers to intertwine with yours.

“it’s alright, i find it endearing” he smiled as he started stroking your hair with his free hand.

“c-can you spend the night?” you suddenly asked, feeling his hand stop in your hair.

“i was hoping you’d ask me that” jeno ducked his head to press his lips against yours. you didn’t want to admit how much you had missed that feeling. but something about the way he kissed you, washed all your cares away. even if there wasn’t any romance behind it, it still felt electrifying.

this was how most nights were spent with jeno. some light studying, some making out, dinner, cuddling, and then more making out before you fell asleep. it was a constant cycle that you didn’t want to stop. he would always compliment you, whether it was your hair or your makeup or your outfit. practically anything he thought you should be praised for, he would compliment you. his words held greater meaning to you than they did to him. you could feel yourself getting flustered each time you received a compliment, while jeno seemed nonchalant. maybe that was just how he was.

one night, jeno decides to stay over, claiming that his heater was broken at his apartment and your bed was warm. but it was code for ‘let’s hook up and fall asleep in eachother’s arms again’. you laid beside him, wrapped tightly in your blanket as jeno pressed soft kisses on your forehead. you started tracing random figures on his chest as he quietly hummed random tunes to get you to sleep. but something was keeping you awake. jeno was hard to read, he never truly expressed his honest feelings towards people. maybe that was just his way of not having to cope with drama. but the constant push and pull between you two had caused many sleepless nights and constant doubt for you. confessing to jeno never crossed your mind prior, but it was the only thing occupying it right now. if you kept it to yourself any longer, you’d probably explode.

you had noticed that jeno’s attendance at frat parties had declined, opting to either hanging out with you or jaemin. he had already quit drinking, not finding much enjoyment anymore. he had also been trying to get above a C average in his classes. you’d say something switched in him, so could it be possible that he may like you too?

“what’s on your mind, pretty girl?” jeno suddenly snapped you out of your thoughts, causing you pull your fingers from his chest.

“nothing” you whispered flatly, but jeno was not convinced.

“come on, something is going on in that

pretty little head of yours, i can see it on your face” he smirked.

“what do you mean?”

“you have this cute frowning face whenever you’re over thinking” you suddenly changed your expression, pulling

yourself to side up as he remained still. you let out a deep sigh, knowing that your next words will change everything.

“i think i like you”

you felt jeno stiffen under the covers, his demeanour suddenly becoming cold. of course you had expected this type of reaction, but seeing it right infront of you, made you want to cry.

“y/n, i don’t think you mean that”

your breath hitched, your throat felt tight.

“i mean, i just- i think you’re amazing. of course i do. but i don’t do relationships. i don’t do feelings or love and that bullshit. atleast not right now, i don’t think i can handle it” each of his words felt like a stab through the heart. how did you misjudge this so badly?

“i fucked things up, didn’t i?” jeno looked you in the eyes sympathetically. of course he felt pity for you.

“no you didn’t. i’m still going to be around. i just can’t be the guy for you” why did you have to go and make things so complicated?

jeno senses you were still overthinking, he smoothed bits of hair from your face, gently tucking them behind your ear.

“don’t frown, pretty girl. i’m not going anywhere” he pulled you closer to him, making you lay down, face to face with him. you wanted to avoid looking into his eyes but he maintained the intense contact with you.

“i’m tired” was all you could think of saying. jeno just nodded,

“rest well” he pulled you into just chest, softly stroking your hair as you closed your eyes. you felt a singular tear stream down your face, landing on jeno’s forearm. he sighed, knowing he hurt you. but he was selfish, he just couldn’t let you go. he wouldn’t let you go.

//

You talked to her, maybe did even worse

I kept quiet so I could keep you

jeno hadn’t been around lately. it was probably for the best, you guessed he just didn’t want you to get attached.

you were walking to your final class of the day, passing by multiple students rushing off in different directions. you were careful not to bump into anything or anyone, but you had the worst luck, feeling yourself slam into a firm figure. your eyes focused on the boy infront of you.

“jeno” your eyes lit up unknowingly, as he greeted you with a smile.

“oh hey, careful there” he helped you remain stable, placing his hand on your shoulder.

“it’s been a while, i was thinking you could come over tonight and we cou-“

“there you are! been looking everywhere for you!” you watched as an unfamiliar girl came up to jeno, leaning into his side. her gaze waved over you, a slight scowl forming.

“y-yeah i’m just talking to a friend, uh this is karina” he introduces to you. what the hell was this? a new girl already?

“i’m y/n, jeno may have mentioned me before” you kindly smile, or atleast you tried your best to.

“oh he’s never mentioned your name, but nice to meet you” she looked over to the boy next to her, “jeno, can you walk me to my class? i’m still kinda lost” she frowned. jeno just nodded in compliance, leading her through the hallway as he sent you a small wave. so this was how it was gonna be.

//

“i mean, who the hell is she? how does she just waltz up in here and suddenly have jeno’s attention like that?” you frustratedly rant to jaemin, who was innocently eating his lunch as you approached him. he practically saw smoke coming out of your ears from how annoyed you were. he had never seen you like this before,

“hey, back track. explain properly” jaemin sighs, pulling you to sit down next to him as he continued eating. you finally got a hold of yourself, taking a few deep breaths,

“her name is karina or something, she’s suddenly hanging around jeno now. and he’s been avoiding me lately” jaemin’s eyes widened slightly, sirens going off in your mind.

“what do you know that i don’t?”

“it’s not my place to say” you scoff,

“not your place? since when have we kept secrets from eachother. i admitted to you that i’ve been having sex with jeno yet you can’t tell me this thing?” jaemin knew you were partially right, but he didn’t want to crush your spirit more than it already was.

“fine, karina was jeno’s first girlfriend. like first love type bullshit. he never really got over her, even when she moved away. i guess she’s back for good” your heart started to ache. gosh, this stupid infatuation with jeno was getting out of control.

“you think he still loves her?” jaemin looked at you with solemn eyes,

“i don’t know, he doesn’t really talk about her much. if anything, i sort of want him to choose you. i think you’re good for him, even if he doesn’t see it yet” you took this as jaemin just trying to cheer you up, you didn’t believe a single word he said. how well did you really know jeno? he had never mentioned karina to you before, nor that she was his first love. i mean, why would he? you were barely friends...right?

//

And ain't it funny how you ran to her


The second that we called it quits?

And ain't it funny how you said you were friends?

Now it sure as hell don't look like it

jeno was at your apartment once again, his legs dangling over yours as you both typed on your laptops. your mind was trying it’s hardest to focus on your assignment that was due in less than five hours, but you were too distracted by jeno’s presence. it wasn’t unusual for him to hang out with you, but you felt slightly uncomfortable, knowing he had also been hanging out with karina more often. maybe you were just being paranoid, but how could you not be?

“quit staring and finish your work” jeno poked you playfully, shutting the lid of his laptop before moving to lay next to you. he leant against your shoulder, making your heart flutter.

“i-i am. why would i want to look at your gross face anyway?”

“stop denying it” he just snuggled closer to you. of course you couldn’t deny it. before you could respond, jeno’s phone started ringing. he quickly jumped out of your bed, hoping you hadn’t seen the caller ID. but you did. it was the one person you were hoping he had stopped talking to.

“sorry about that, it was uh just jaemin” jeno walked back into your room, acting as if nothing happened. you pierced your eyes at him, was he really going to lie straight to your face?

“i know it was karina. you don’t have to hide it from me” you shrug, pretending to type on your laptop.

“o-oh uh sorry. we’re just friends, you know. incase you were worried” was he being for real?

“why would i be worried? just because i confessed to you doesn’t mean you’re entitled to like me back. if you wanna see her then go see her, don’t use me liking you as an excuse” you felt pure frustration take over your body. you had never experienced this feeling before, even jeno was shocked.

“it’s not like that, i swear. i don’t want stuff between us to...end” jeno moved closer to you, placing his hand to your cheek, gently stroking the skin. there he goes again. these small gestures had you swooning, you just couldn’t help it.

you scrunched your nose at the contact, causing jeno to smile softly.

“so cute” he tapped your nose before engulfing you in his embrace. your assignment was long forgotten once he started kissing you. this was all too overwhelming emotionally, but physically, this felt just right.

//

just when things were beginning to feel normal again, jaemin had a few words for jeno.

“you can’t keep playing her, it’s time to come clean”

“give me time, y/n’s sensitive, i don’t wanna hurt her too bad” jaemin rolled his eyes.

“you’re being a real dick about this. if you have feelings for karina, end it with y/n now, or else i’ll tell her myself” jeno grabbed his arm, pleading him to hear him out.

“please don’t. promise me you won’t. i know it’s going to hurt her, but i want to do it on my own” jaemin wanted nothing more but to call you right now and have jeno confess over the phone. but he knew you deserved to hear it from jeno in person. all that the two boys could think about was how crushed you’d be after hearing the truth. but the truth will always come out one way or another.

//

y/n: hey jeno, i’m officially assignment free! come over and hang tonight :))

jeno: hey sorry, hella swamped with a group assignment at the moment. will make it up to you tomorrow!

you nodded to yourself after reading his message. you were proud of him for working so hard in his studies nowadays, it really seemed like he was improving. you opted to spend a night to yourself, switching on the television and eating an excessive amount of snacks from your kitchen cabinet. as usual, you were on instagram, wondering what others were up to now that most assignments were done and dusted. lee donghyuck had the most wild and sometimes, disturbing, instagram stories but you were always curious as to what he was up to. but this time you regretted it greatly. seeing a video of jeno making out with karina against the wall shattered you. you immediately locked your phone, switching the tv off completely. your body felt numb, why weren’t you reacting? why weren’t you crying? or even mad? how could you be mad...you weren’t even dating him. how pathetic of you to believe he would be loyal after practically rejecting you. you felt like a fool for falling for him. there was no way he could sweet talk his way out of this. the pain was too much for you to bare, resulting in you deciding to take a social media detox...well a detox from everyone really. you became more sheltered and isolated than ever. it was just too good to be true.

//

You betrayed me

And I know that you'll never feel sorry
For the way I hurt, yeah

You talked to her when we were together

Loved you at your worst, but that didn't matter

“y/n, honey, you need to come out and eat okay?” you regretted giving jaemin a spare key to your apartment. he would enter as he wished, cooking you a warm meal before sitting outside your bedroom door as he begged for you to come out. you hated making him worry like this but you physically couldn’t get yourself to leave your bed. the same bed you and jeno had slept in together many times. you swore you could still smell traces of his scent on the pillow sheets.

“please just go home, jae” you groaned.

“no, i’m your friend and i need to see that you’ve atleast showered and taken care of yourself” his words made you want to cry. he cared for you so much, but he wasn’t the one you wanted to hear these things from. for the first time in what felt like weeks, you stood up from your bed and shuffled towards the door. you turned the door knob slowly, gaining jaemin’s attention. he immediately stood up, eyes scanning over your state.

“oh honey” he pulled you into his chest, gently stroking your hair.

“has he said anything?” you manage to murmur, catching jaemin off guard.

“n-no. atleast not to me. i’m sorry”

“why the hell are you sorry? he should be sorry. he should be grovelling to me to forgive him. but now he’s off, with some other girl. like i never meant a damn thing to him” you scoffed, pushing past jaemin as he trailed behind you with the tray of your now, cold, meal. you sat down on your couch, wrapping yourself in a small blanket.

“do you think he liked her this whole time and just didn’t tell me?” jaemin’s eyes shifted from left to right, which he only did when he withheld information.

“y-you knew?” he slowly nodded, the guilt eating him up inside.

“i wanted to tell you, i promise. but he insisted that he would let you down in person” jaemin tried to explain. you couldn’t even be mad at him. it must have been so obvious that jeno was into karina the whole time. you were just another name to his list. nothing more.

“am i pathetic for still liking him?” jaemin let out a sigh, unsure of how to answer. but that reaction was a good enough indication that you were indeed pathetic, for wanting a guy that didn’t want you. lee jeno was a traitor.

//

another night was spent alone. you were simply catching up on your usual shows, using it as a distraction from the pouring rain. what you didn’t expect was a series of loud knocks on your front door. who the hell wanted to visit you in the early hours of the morning? you proceeded with caution, twisting the door knob, allowing the door to slowly swing open. your eyes met those of the boy who broke you. you wanted nothing more than to shut the door right in his face, but he stopped you before you could even move.

“i-we need to talk” he slurred his words. he seemed drunk, but you weren’t fully sure. you could have sworn he quit drinking months ago, but the sight infront of you was telling you otherwise. jeno suddenly slumped towards you, his weak figure now latching onto you. you quickly shut the door, dragging him to your couch.

“i cant believe you’ve been drinking again” you felt disappointed. he was doing so well.

“couldn’t help myself, life is shitty. i lost you, karina and i are fighting. jaemin is giving me the cold shoulder. oh and i failed my last assignment, guess i can’t even finish the year” you had never seen him so defeated like this, you started feeling pity for him.

“but that’s no reason for you to drink yourself to this state. i’m really disappointed in you. i know you can do better” you sighed before rushing to your kitchen, grabbing him a bottle of water. jeno took slow sips from the bottle, eyes avoiding yours. there was still one question lingering in your mind,

“why are you even at my apartment? don’t you have your own?” you didn’t want to come off as rude but jeno couldn’t deny he felt a pang of guilt in his chest.

“i-i don’t know. i just feel comfort whenever i’m here. y-you gave me comfort. and i messed it all up” you felt tears begin to swell in your own eyes. why was he saying these things now? the timing was terrible.

“you’re babbling nonsense. just go to sleep, i want you gone in the morning” you grab him an extra blanket and pillow, watching as he slowly started drifting to sleep. you weren’t sure if he really meant the things he was saying, but you’d rather keep it that way. you didn’t need any more reasons to hold onto jeno. this was just a one time thing, you weren’t completely heartless. this was the night you saw jeno at his worst, and if you were being honest, you couldn’t be with him like this. you now knew, that you deserved better than lee jeno.

as expected, he was gone by the time you woke up, leaving you a small note,

“thankyou for everything”

you quickly scrunched the piece of paper, tossing it into the bin. you felt slightly relieved, this was a sign that you were finally starting to get over him.

//

Now you bring her around just to shut me down

Show her off like she's a new trophy

And I know if you were true

There's no damn way that you

Could fall in love with somebody that quickly

“hey so there’s gonna be a bonfire tonight, wanna come with me?”

“i don’t know, jaemin. not really up for hanging in big crowds at the moment” jaemin frowned, wanting nothing more than to see his friend happy again.

”i’ll be next to you the entire night, if that gives you more ease” he pleaded with his big eyes, rubbing his shoulder against yours. you eventually gave in, wanting nothing more than for him to stop giving you those creepy eyes. maybe something good will come from the bonfire.

you spoke too soon, the moment jeno and karina showed up, it was like somebody was impaling you with a stake to the heart. you physically couldn’t move, eyes avoiding having to meet those of jeno’s. you felt someone’s eyes on you, but refused to look up from your feet which were buried in the sand. soon enough, you felt the gaze escape, along with the two people you wanted to avoid the most. jaemin awkwardly coughed,

“this is going to be harder than i thought” you sighed, causing jaemin to press his lips together in a tight line.

“i know, but it’s not the end of the world” he shrugged, pulling you closer to him as you both soaked up the heat from the fire. you hated how jeno was showing her off like his new trophy. he constantly had his arm around her, laughing with his friends loudly, pressing soft kisses to her forehead. it made you sick.

your mind drifted to the conversations where jeno insisted he was not the ‘relationship type’. you remembered how he avoided your confession, how he only wanted your company when he felt alone. how he always interrupted you with a kiss when you would ask about his feelings. it all felt like some sort of sick joke to you. if you knew jeno the way you thought you did, there was no way he could fall inlove so quickly.

but you knew that he was inlove, or atleast falling inlove, because he looked at her the way you used to look at him. you couldn’t help but laugh at yourself, you got played. plain and simple. lee jeno was never meant to be a permanent figure in your life, he was a lesson to be learnt. you had to let him go, no matter how much it hurt, you knew it would be for the best.

//

it was finally summer break, instant weight lifting from your shoulders as you handed in your final paper. although this year had its ups and downs, you were beyond proud of how you managed to stay on top of your school work, and shove any thoughts regarding jeno, from your mind. it had been radio silence from

his end, not having reached out to you in weeks, until some of your classmates invited you to some drinks at a local club. you couldn’t pass on a night to finally let loose, so you gleefully accepted their offer. it was also nice way of making new friends for the following year to come.

“hot damn, who the hell is that?” your newest friend, minjeong, swooned. you shifted your eyes to the figure in question. jeno stood there in all his glory, leather jacket hung loosely on his shoulders as he greeted your classmates one by one. he was slowly making his way to you and minjeong, you wanting nothing more than to rush to the bathroom. but he definitely would have seen you,

“long time no see” he grinned, taking a seat on the bar stool next to you. minjeong noticed that you were beginning to feel uncomfortable. she tapped your arm gently, asking with one simple gaze if you needed her with you. you shook your head in response, this was something you needed to sort out, once and for all.

“it has been a while” you sighed, turning to face the boy who tore you to pieces. jeno stiffened at your tone, part of his heart aching to hear you speak to him in such way.

“how have things been? i-i kinda miss hanging out together-“

“are you serious right now?” you practically scoffed, taking a large gulp from your drink. you needed some liquid courage for the speech you were about to give.

“who do you think you are to come up here and act like everything is all good between us? i know that jaemin has told you how hurt i was over you, gosh, it was probably one of the most painful heartbreaks i’ve ever experienced. can i even call it that? a heartbreak? i mean, we never dated so technically we never even broke up” jeno slowly gulped at your words, hoping no one else was eavesdropping on your conversation. but he allowed you continue,

“we hooked up, i confessed, and it all went to shit. once something new and shiny came by, i was old news. i really thought we were going to be something. how naive i was to even believe that someone like you could be with someone like me. i guess you didn’t cheat, but you’re still a traitor, lee jeno. and i hope you never forget it” you could barely look at him, feeling hot tears fill your eyes. you clenched your fists as jeno cleared his throat before speaking.

“i-i’m sorry okay? i didn’t mean for things to go so far with us. i never want you to think that you aren’t important to me. at the time, you were one of the best things that had ever happened to me. but we just weren’t right for each other, i told you that from the start” you finally built the courage to face him, his gentle eyes meeting your pained ones.

“god i wish you had thought this through, before i went and fell in love with you” those words hit him like a truck. he knew he had messed up, there was no going back from the damage he had done. he broke someone that he truly cared about. he hurt one of his only friends. he could never forgive himself for that.

“y-you’re going to find someone. someone way better than me. someone who sees how beautiful you are, someone who will hold on for dear life because they’re scared of losing you. i’m sorry i couldn’t be that guy for you. i am so sorry” you could sense the sincerity in his voice, but there was only so much an apology could fix.

“may i ask, are you happy?” he already knew his answer, and he knew it would hurt you if he answered truthfully. but he was done with lies,

“yeah i am, are you?” you pondered for a moment,

“i will be” you firmly answered, feeling a small grin grow on your face. although this entire interaction was pure torture, you were glad you were able to air out your conscience to the one person who was filling it. you and jeno agreed to cut contact for the time being, wishing each other the best. of course you would think about him every now and then, but you were onto bigger and better things. lee jeno was just one chapter on your book of life. there was so much more out there for you, and you couldn’t wait to experience it.

[youarejesting]

Sly like a...? Part 9

[Master list] [Sly Master List] Beta: n/a (at the moment) Rating: All Pairing: Hybrid!BTS x FailedHybrid!Reader Genre: Hybrid au, fluff, action, adventure, angst, drama, slice of life. Some marked chapters will contain mature/smut scenes, BUT they will not have plot in those scenes and are 100% skippable without losing your place in the story. Words: 1.5k

Summary: Human’s strive to be better, faster and stronger looking to animal DNA. Thus Hybrids are born. As the rise for designer and Pedigree Hybrids increase, so do the failed attempts. There is one species scientists are unsuccessful in creating, but, folklore says they have been here all along, hiding and blending in with the humans for many millennia. How clever they are.

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Tonight you had decided to ask Hoseok what he wanted to eat for dinner. A quick knock on his always-open door and a peek inside showed him sitting on his bed. With his arms wrapped around his legs and his chin resting on his knees he looked young. He was staring forlornly at the wall, perhaps you thought he was feeling a little homesick. The city was much different from what he was used to. 

“Hoseok, hey?” You sat beside him the scent of fresh pine on his warm-toned skin. Waving your hand within his line of sight in an effort to gain his attention. The deer blinked, giving you a bright smile and a cheery laugh. 

“Sorry, I was lost in thought?” He straightened out his legs. You patted the soft comforter in front of you. 

“Shuffle your butt over here,” you spoke softly. He continued to face the wall and shuffled over, you pulled him to lay back against you, “Are you feeling homesick honey?”

“Yeah, I guess I miss nature. It’s just, it’s so bare” he muttered looking around his room, a desk with a laptop, a bed, and bedside tables he sniffed wiping his eyes on his sleeve. “I miss it.”

“How about we get you some plants as many as you want, to fill the room, if you really want we can tear up the carpet and lay down grass instead,” Hoseok laughed as you described a tall plant by his desk flowers on his bedside tables and hanging pots from the ceiling. “You can call them, that’s why I got you this,”

He nodded taking the phone you held out to him, he dialed a number and placed it to his ear. “Hello?” 

“Hello my sister,” he said, relaxing as he heard the familiar voice. 

“Hobi!” She called through the phone, which seemed to cause a commotion on the other end of the phone as many voices could be heard, “what is it like in the city? Are they treating you nicely? Have you been eating?”

“It’s really nice and everyone is so fun and nice and we eat lots of food together,” he cheered. The family was talking happily and you grinned scratching Hoseok's head happily laughing with him. 

“We are going to decorate his room with plants,” you assured his family that he was being treated well, “oh! tonight is your choice for dinner so what would you like?”

“Unnie, Hobi likes Japchae and meat,” his sister giggled over the phone and you leaned around Hoseok and grinned. 

“What you think Hobi-ah? Sounds good?” You used their nickname teasingly but in hopes, he would feel more at home and at ease around you. 

“Mm, Hobi wants japchae!” He said cutely, making you laugh, you gently pushed his firm and warm body until he was sitting up enough to slip out from behind him. 

“Alright, you keep talking I will round up Jin and Yoongi and we will get to work cooking,” bidding your goodbyes to Hoseok’s family, you headed out to the kitchen. Yoongi was tying up his apron and Jin was playing video games with the youngest of the group. 

You decided against asking Jin as he seemed truly engrossed in playing his video games. Sorting out ingredients and finding a recipe Yoongi and yourself shuffled around the kitchen. There were moments where you reached over where he was cutting vegetables and your shoulders would brushed and just for a second you would hear a small purr. 

Jin lost to Jungkook and pouted, scuffing his slippers as he entered the kitchen, “Ya! The game likes Jungkook better!” He whined, with a grin on your face you pulled him into a hug. Arms wrapping around his tiny waist as you buried your face in the soft sweater he was wearing, it smelt sweet like figs and his ears twitched. 

“I am just happy you tried your best,” you praised him, as you felt the vibrating chittering in his chest almost like a purr but more like a rattle. He nuzzled your hair breathing in your scent. You got him to join in with the cooking. Your instructions interrupted by Taehyung who was complaining about being hungry.

Sliding between the two hybrids to get past, you got some ingredients from the fridge. You sat at the breakfast bar mixing the ingredients in a big metal bowl. Taehyung had been your neighbor for at least five years now and you knew his favorite foods. 

“Try this and tell me how it is?” you held a ball of rice out in a plastic gloved hand and he leaned in eating it. His eyes lighting up. He gave a deep mmh-mm of approval and his tail was smacking Jungkook in the thigh, the young boy looking at the offending appendage and swatted it away.

“Me too, noona” He smiled pointing to his mouth and you popped one of the Jumeokbap onto his tongue. He chewed it happily his cheeks puffed full, a purr filling the room loudly. You turned to Jin offering him a taste, he praised it with a thumbs up.

Carrying the bowl around to Yoongi you smiled, “You want to try one Yoongi?” He didn’t reply but leaned his head towards you eyes on the food mouth opened.

He let you put one in his mouth, and you pressed your ear to Yoongi’s shoulder, his purrs were definitely the quietest out of all the felines in the house, they were ones that vibrated deeply in his chest but didn’t make too much noise unless it was really quiet and you listened intently.

“I smell tuna!” Jimin grinned bounding over his long legs barely touched the ground and he smiled, “Me love, one for me”

You were trying to roll one but he had started rubbing his face on your jaw and neck impatiently, as he purred sweetly, “I am making it as fast as I can,” the words barely came out through your giggles his soft hair tickling your neck, his ears twitching at the sound.

“Here try this one,” he leaned in wrapping his mouth around the rice ball his eyes never leaving yours. “Is it good?”

“Mm very good” he hummed standing behind you his hands wrapped around your waist as you made one for Namjoon. He held out his hand and ate it, nodding before awkwardly shuffling around waiting for the food to finish. Hoseok exited his room smiling brightly, it seemed the conversation with his family had eased his loneliness.

Namjoon at dinner was a little scary all he could see was food and his deep purrs were so loud that it almost sounded like thunder rumbling outside. You brought up the question at dinner and watched them all choke on their food. 

“It is only natural, I am just wondering when and if you know your rut schedule so I can put it on the calendar and if you need any assistance during this time we can look for a suitable companion or items that can relief your needs.”

Jungkook was bright red and Jimin thought honestly, “I don’t need assistance but if when I am not in my room we could cuddle,”

“I also do not require assitance I will just be in my room,” Namjoon said with a small reassuring smile.

“I have never had a rut,” Jungkook said his cheeks never losing their rosey colour, “They gave us a hormone blocker every six months so we would behave, we just got really annoyed”

You nodded they all seemed to agree that they would be fine on their own in their room but you thought you would look into somethings as a fail safe. After your goodnights to each of the boys giving them a sweet kiss on their foreheads, you sat on Jungkook’s bed and told him more of the stories of the fox.

“In Korean legends, the Kumiho is often described as a terrifying and sad creature that strives to become a real human. It is said that a Kumiho can turn into a real human by eating 100 human livers or by marrying a human and living with them for 100 days without their true identity being discovered. There are many more theories on how they came to be but they…”

Once everyone was tucked in, you spent the night in the lounge. Searching the web for eligible companions and items that could assist the seven young men. You hoped they were all settling in nicely. A figure appeared in the hall, ringing his tail in his hands, you gave a soft smile, surprised as the figure came closer.

It wasn’t Jimin as you had first thought, it was Jungkook, you walked him back to bed and he whispered, “I am nervous what if I do something bad during my rut?”

“I know your true nature Jungkook, I know you don’t want to hurt any of the boys or even myself and when the rut passes well then you will be back to the old Koo we know and love.”

“Can you sleep in my room tonight?” He said and seeing your apprehension he added, “Just until I fall asleep?”

“Alright just until you fall asleep.” Not knowing how exhausted you were and how the bed was so soft and enticing. You had fallen asleep almost instantly, letting Jungkook pull you into his arms and nuzzle your shoulder.

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[docholligay]

Tracer/Emily “on a scar”

Talk about stuff I've meant to write for ages, this moment is finally out in the world. ANYWAY THANK YOU 1600ish words, all of my OW universe is here.

Tracer kissed her shoulder.

It should have felt good. She wanted it to feel good. She was incredibly attracted to Tracer, who had been a perfect lady over the past few weeks. Tracer, who was handsome and charming and gallant, who had treated her to dinner and walks in the park and made her laugh with all her stories, brought her flowers and told her she looked wonderful in purple, who had never invited herself up even though her eyes clearly wanted to be invited up.

But instead, there was a sort of deep grim that lapped at the corner of her mind. Emily was not good with women. She wasn’t good with anyone really, over the age of six, she thought, quiet and shy and awkward, the way she’s been all of her life. She wanted this, and she was afraid of it. She was not a casual person. Sometimes she wished she were.

The hard part, for Emily, was knowing when to tell someone. When she had been younger, it had been easy to blame her being trans for every ounce of hesitation she felt in a public setting, for every stumble through a conversation, and every bad date where her calls were never returned. It some ways, it had made things easier, to know that there was an immutable reason for such things, but life is rarely so kind, and she had met so many other women like her who glittered and had full dance cards, who lived life loudly.

So her own hated timidness had to, at least in some capacity, be an organic consequence of being Emily McNair, rather than anything else. It was disappointing.

But because she was Emily McNair, and because she had no idea of what it meant to be casual, and because she, like the silly fool that she was, was dangerously close to being truly in love with Tracer, she had to tell her. She wanted to tell her. Because if she was going to love Tracer, she had to know that Tracer could love all of her, even her history.

She tried not to expect too much of people in that vein.

“Em?” Tracer pulled away from her, ‘Can’t ‘elp but notice you don’t seem particularly engaged. You,” she seemed disappointed, “you not want to?”

“Oh, Lena, I do, but it’s only..” She tucked her hair behind her ear, “I have to speak to you, first.”

Her eyes darted around the room. “What ‘ave I done? Or not done?”

“No, no, of course no. It’s only me.”

“Alright. All ears.”

Emily was sure there had to be a perfect way of doing this, but over the twenty odd years of her life, she had never quite found it. Words were, most people would agree, not Emily’s strong suit, and generally she was as content to listen to others talk as they were. The handful of times she had gotten far enough to want to tell someone, it had never come out the way she’d imagined, and as Tracer looked at her, she realized that new and better speech she kept planning wasn’t going to reveal itself this time either.

“I’m trans. I just--thought you should know, before.” She swallowed and looked off to the side, waiting.

Tracer rocked back on her heels and looked at Emily.

“Is that all? Doesn’t matter, I don’t care about that,” she stopped for a moment, “Sorry. You know,” she tilted her head quickly and leaned forward, trying to put herself back into Emily’s gaze, “it’s just now occurred to me why me Dad put it that way when I told ‘im I was gay, can’t really think of a better way to say it--suppose it didn’t urt that ‘e wasn’t the slightest bit surprised by the news--but wasn’t helpful to me then either.” She took Emily’s hand. “Thank you for telling me. I feel all the same about you as I did. I think you are absolutely beautiful, and I cannot believe me luck, sitting on the sofa with you. You ‘ave no reason to be shy with me. Still buzzing about being invited up, love.”

Emily let her shoulders relax a little. “I’m shy with everyone.”

“I ‘ope sincerely that it’s not that people ‘ave been cruel to you.”

“Not, I think I’m just a bit awkward, I mean,” Emily shook her head. “Most people haven’t known since I left school. But I don’t much,” she fiddled with the strap of her dress, “you know, see women.”

Tracer smiled. “Right. Let me show you something.”

She slipped her shirt off under her CA with a speed and grace Emily would not have guessed was possible, leaving only her CA and a sports bra. The first thing she noticed were the bright toucans on Tracer’s bra. The second thing she noticed was that Tracer was as spectacularly toned as she might have guessed given her quick strength, and she blushed.

The third thing she noticed were two deep and heavily puckered scars, right at the edge of her rib cage. Her eyes widened and she brought a hand to her mouth, without thinking, and then immediately realized Tracer must be seeing her, after being so kind to Emily, showing shock, and she might think it was disgust--

But Tracer gave that loud peal of a laugh that Emily loved so much. “I know! Terrible, innit? Man shot me.” She scowled a moment. “Thought ‘e was me friend, once upon a time, but ‘e did disabuse me of that notion, as Fareeha put it, you know, love, for all the times she pretends she doesn’t understand a bloody thing I’m saying she manages to put up quite the English vocabulary when it suits her, right? Right, absolute tosh--listen to me waffling on, me Dad always said I could talk for England--what I mean is, love, you ain’t the only one with a thing or two unusual. Say nothing about the machinery. I’m loads of things to get used to, right? So you and I are of a kind. Me more than you, even, ‘ave no doubt you look better with your clothes off than me, if you don’t mind me saying so, right? So you never need be shy with me, for I’ll always do me best. I ‘ave no doubt that I will say or do something unbelievably bloody stupid, and when that happens, I want you to say, ‘Lena, you bloody stupid cunt,” Emily laughed and shook her head, “--No love, I’m being very serious just now--Lena, don’t do that” and then I won’t.”

Emily looked at her. Tracer’s eyes were bright and sparkling, but full of sincerity. Even now, she had that little resting smile on her face that Emily had come to realize just sat there, as unhappiness did on others. There was something about Tracer that drew Emily in, that made her feel safe, and suddenly it felt true, that someone like Tracer could not mind. Suddenly it seemed silly to Emily that anyone had ever minded at all. She had so many explanations planned out, ways to make it okay for Tracer and assure her that there wasn’t much different about Emily, but it all seemed completely unnecessary in the moment.

She had been honest, when she said she didn’t care.

Emily reached her hand out and brushed her fingertips against the deep crater on Tracer’s stomach, and Tracer did not flinch away from her touch, even for a moment.

“It must have hurt terribly.”

Tracer shook her head. “You know, actually, I lost a great deal of blood very quickly, which doesn’t necessarily recommend itself but I will say made the pain a bit of a non-issue.” She laughed again. “Honestly, Winston’s more traumatized by it than I am, I only remember little bits of the thing. Lost some of me liver though, and I am sore about that, as I make quite a bit of use of it,” she looked down, “ as you can see by the fact that I lack a bit in the definition department.”

“You’re very handsome, Lena.” Emily said, still looking at the scar, unable to look Tracer in the eye when she said it.

“Well, you’re kind to say so.” Tracer put her hand on top of Emily’s. “I still am keen to root about the cabbages, so to speak, and I want you to know I won’t be put off so easily in future,” she grinned, “but if you’d rather not tonight, I understand that, as well.”

“Oh, but I don’t want you to go!”

Tracer took Emily by the shoulders. “I can stay then, love. ‘Appy to ‘ear it. Can stay all night, if you like. But we don’t ‘ave to do nothing.”

Emily leaned forward and put her head on Tracer’s shoulder, letting herself fall into her embrace. Tracer kissed her forehead.

“We can stay just like this, love.”

I love you, she wanted to say, I love you, and I feel excited and happy and utterly terrified at the fact. But, she reasoned, she had tripped over her own tongue enough for one evening, and in this moment, she thought she would have plenty of other chances. Tracer would stay. She kissed Tracer’s cheek and settled into her arms as Tracer laid back against the couch.

“You know, the scars aren’t even the worst of it, with me. ‘Ardware neither.”

“Oh?”

“Right, there’s the entirety of me personality to deal with, as well. Messy. Can’t pay attention to save me own life, sometimes quite literally, depending on who you ask. Touch of P--well, honestly, just ask Fareeha, when you meet her, she’s got a list of me negative qualities, I think. Probably alphabetized. Maybe categorical.”

Emily felt herself melt into Tracer and allowed herself the joy of a laugh.

The cool wind of October shook the trees outside, and litter blew along the street next to her shabby little London flat, and Emily had never been happier.

[wrenhyperfixates]

Because I Love You

Pairing: Loki x reader Summary: You’ve fallen for the trickster god, and have no idea that he’s done the same. When his attempts to keep you safe fail, you get into a huge fight. Will you be able to tell each other how you really feel, or is the rift too wide? Warnings: mentions of blood; fluff and angst A/N: This idea has been floating around in my head for a while, and it really took on a life of its own. I’m pretty happy with how it turned out. Hope you enjoy it just as much :)

Tag List: @lucywrites02 @frostedgiant​ @lunarmoon8​ @twhiddlestonsstuff​ @lokistan​ @thelokiimaginechroniclesficrecs​ @gaitwae​ @whatafuckingdumbass​ @castiels-majestic-wings​ @kozkaboi​ @cozy-the-overlord​

Disclaimer: Gif not mine

“Oh, come on, Loki,” you pouted as you helped him load up the Quinjet for the mission he was about to leave for. “I can handle myself.”

“Yes, I know, darling,” he replied with a sigh. “But this is going to be dangerous. I would feel much better knowing you were here, safe.”

“Fine,” you pouted as he took the box you were carrying from your hands.

You’d been having this argument all week. For some reason, Loki had been blocking you from going on more and more missions lately, but he went above and beyond this time. As soon as it had been announced, you’d volunteered to go. But then Loki went and talked to Steve to convince him his magic was necessary for the job and, from what you can tell, persuaded Cap that he should take your place.

The God of Mischief had been your best friend ever since he came to Avengers Tower. It hadn’t taken you long to realize that you wanted him to be something more, though. With every brush of his fingers against yours, bored glance sent your way during meetings, and laughs shared as you talked late at night made you fall deeper and deeper in love with the god. But this was getting annoying. It was nice that he cared about you, though it also made you sad. No matter how much you wanted him to feel the same way as you did, it was pretty obvious that he didn’t. Even worse than that, you were convinced that he thought of you as just a kid.

“Oh, darling,” he said, putting his hands on your shoulders as your eyes raised to meet his. “Please, do not be upset. The next not dangerous mission will be yours for sure.”

“Do those even exist?” you asked with a wry laugh.

“Yes. Ones where you will without a doubt be out of combat.” You frowned at him and opened your mouth to protest. He continued speaking before you could. “I am quite aware of what a fierce warrior you are, dear mortal. But you are also fragile. I will not let anything happen to you. You are my most dear friend, darling.”

“I know,” you sighed, unable to stay mad at him. “But you have to promise you’ll stay safe, too.”

“I promise, darling.” He kissed the back of your hand, making you flustered. “I will be just fine.”

As the jet pulled out of the hangar, you waved goodbye to Loki, praying that when he came back, things could finally change between you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I’ll do it,” you declared at the next meeting.

“Ok then,” Steve replied. “You, me, and Nat then. We leave tomorrow at noon.”

It was a little nerve wracking to be going on a mission with two of the best fighters on the team, but you were sure it wasn’t anything you couldn’t handle. Loki was still on his mission, so there was no one to block you from taking this opportunity. You hoped so, anyway.

The final preparations were made, and you looked at the file in your bed that night. It should be a relatively easy mission; silently infiltrate the hydra base and download the intel from their computers. It was a small base, only a handful of enemy operatives should be there. Well, that was what you were planning on, anyway. Of course, there was always a chance things would go awry.

Suddenly, your phone rang. You plopped the file down on your comforter and checked the caller I.D. It was Loki. You worried that he’d caught wind of your plan to go on the mission tomorrow. He wasn’t supposed to be back for another couple of days, plenty of time for you to go without him interfering. That’s why you hadn’t told him yet. But if he already knew, he would certainly do everything in his power to stop you from leaving.

“Hey, Loki,” you said, nervously picking at the string on your sweatpants. “Are you ok? How’s the mission going?”

“Splendid, actually,” he replied, a smile in his voice. “So well, in fact, that I will be returning home early.”

“Oh! That’s, uh, great news.” You were trying to sound excited. It wasn’t working. “When exactly are you going to be back?”

“Tomorrow,” he replied. “I was wondering if you wanted to do something when I get back? Perhaps watch a movie or read together in the library?”

“I’d love to, Loki, really. But I’m going to be a bit busy tomorrow. Maybe if we meet later in the day?”

You were always tired after a mission, but you should be back in time to do something with Loki. And if you were just going to be reading, it would be relaxing. If you were lucky, you may even fall asleep, and he would carry you back to your bed. That had happened a few times before, and you’d woken up in his arms as he brought you back. You didn’t tell him, though. Instead, you just enjoyed the sensation of being in his arms, feeling safe and happy. It also reminded you of just how strong he was, being a god and all. You supposed that’s why he worried so much about you; you were just a mortal. His strength was contrasted by the way he carefully tucked you in and caressed your cheek. Your heart had beat wildly as you wondered if he might kiss you. He had not.

“Oh? What are your plans, then?” he inquired. “If you do not mind, maybe I could join you.”

“I, um, would of course let you, but Nat and I are going to be doing a special training routine all day,” you lied. “It’s supposed to just be the two of us. Sorry.”

“That is quite alright. We will just meet later. I look forward to it.”

“Me too. I’ll see you then, Loki,” you said, hoping to hang up before you felt guilty enough to come clean. “I better get some rest.”

“As should I. Goodnight, darling.”

You tossed the phone next to the file and sighed, covering your eyes with your arm. You hated having to lie to Loki, but you’d never go on another mission if you didn’t. Besides, he said you could go on one that wasn’t too dangerous, and the chances of getting hurt tomorrow were pretty slim. It would be fine. At least, you sure hoped it would.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“They are where?” Loki asked, his voice rising in panic. “Doing what?”

“I just told you, Reindeer Games,” Tony replied, a knowing smirk on his face. “They’re on a mission. What? Did your little lovebird lie to you?”

“That is preposterous for more reasons than I can count. They are only my best friend, but still they would never lie to me. I would have known if they had, anyway.”

“Well, maybe your judgment was clouded because you-”

“I swear if you say I love them,” Loki interrupted, “there will be a dagger buried in your side faster than you can even comprehend.”

“Yeah, sure. Right,” Tony said, unconcerned. Loki never made good on his threats to his friends, bar a tiny prank here or there. Whether it was because he actually cared about them or was just worried he’d be locked up again, no one was really sure. “All I mean to say is if you stopped preventing them from going on missions, maybe they would tell you the truth.”

He hated how right Tony was. His judgment was clouded, and though he didn’t want to say, it was because he cared about you. But loved? Did Loki even know what love was? He really wasn’t sure. Regardless, he should have been taking you on missions with him, protecting you from any danger. He’d seen you fight a great many times, you were good at it. But all that needed to happen was one tiny slip-up, one small mistake, and you’d be dead in a matter of seconds.

“Maybe, but do not tell me you have never gone to extremes to protect someone you care about,” Loki snapped back.

“You’re right. I have. For the people I love.”

“Oh, never mind!” Loki said, desperately trying to avoid a conversation about his emotions. “Just tell me which bay they will be returning to so I can go wait for them.”

Tony obliged, and Loki anxiously paced the floor, fidgeting with his hands as he anticipated your return. What seemed like, and very well could have been, hours later, your transport pulled in. He wasn’t sure if he was going to hug you or scold you first. It would probably be the first option. Sure, you’d lied to him, but he wasn’t blameless either. All that mattered was you were safe.

“Clear the way,” Steve shouted, as he and Nat helped you hobble out of the jet.

Loki’s heart plummeted to his stomach as he noticed a deep red staining your shirt, right below where your liver was. Sweat glistened on your brow as you struggled to stay up. He ran up to you and took you in his arms, running towards the elevator before he realized he could just teleport. He was at the med bay in seconds, screaming for help.

“Bring them here,” one nurse said, wheeling a gurney. “We’re prepared for them.”

He said a silent prayer of thanks for whoever had called ahead. There was nothing left to do but stare on helplessly while they took you away. He whirled around as Nat and Steve finally caught up.

“What happened? Tell me,” Loki demanded to know.

“There were more agents than planned,” Steve explained. “But they took the bullet so we could complete the mission.”

“And that makes it alright?” he shouted, completely bewildered.

“No, it doesn’t,” Steve tried to pacify him.

“But it was noble,” Nat added. “And they’re going to be alright.”

Loki stayed in the waiting room for the next couple hours, running his hand through his hair as a nervous tic. The other Avengers came and went, Thor begging his brother to at least sit for a little as it got late. But he refused. He would not rest until he knew you were alright. But what was this tight feeling in his chest? This painful feeling of anxious despair? Could Stark be right? Could he love you?

He loved you.

“Mr. Laufeyson?” a nurse said, approaching him.

“Yes,” he immediately responded, a slight edge to his voice. “Are they ok?”

“They are. The wound wasn’t as bad as it looked; they just lost a lot of blood. You can go in and see them now if you want.”

“I do. Thank you.”

With a nod in her direction, Loki was racing towards the room she’d directed him to. Before he just waltzed in, he calmed himself down enough to knock on the open door, drawing your attention away from the window and to his face. A smile instantly lit up your features as you saw him, sparking in him an intense hatred at the thought that he may have never seen that again had today gone differently.

“You lied,” he said, his voice even yet menacing. He surprised himself, for that wasn’t what he had been planning on saying. But now he felt angry enough to shout at the top of his lungs. “You said you would just be training.”

“Look, I’m sorry about that. I am.” Your eyes flicked down to the floor before meeting his again. “But I know you would have tried to stop me. You didn’t leave me with very many options.”

He let out a wry laugh. “I was protecting you!” Now he was shouting. “You do finally go out on a mission and look what happened!”

“I’m fine now, Loki,” you shouted back, seething. “That’s what happened! I don’t need you to protect me.”

“Do you have any idea what I would have done if you died?” You recoiled at his blunt, harsh words, making him instantly regret them. Besides, they were slightly manipulative. He didn’t want to do that, not to you. He wanted to change the direction of the conversation. Still, he carried on with his rant, having lost control. “Your behavior is reckless at best. I insist that you stay at the Tower, even once you are done healing.”

He knew he’d overstepped as soon as the words left his mouth. Even if he hadn’t, the murderous look in your eyes would have clued him in. Before he could apologize, take back what he’d said, you were talking again, your voice now a dangerous growl.

“Perhaps you didn’t hear me. I am not a kid, I don’t need you to protect me. I don’t need you.”

Your hands flew up to cover your mouth, not quite believing what you’d just said. Loki just flinched like a kicked puppy, tears stinging at the back of his eyes. It was his fault. He’d pushed you away. Why did he say those horrible things? Why did it take so long to admit to even himself that he loved you? Why didn’t he just tell you how he truly felt?

“You are right,” he replied, his blue-green eyes glued to the tile beneath him. “You do not need me. I will leave you alone now.”

His heart ached in his chest as you called after him. He wanted to go back, but now he could see he was no good for you. Or at least his latest actions weren’t. Had he really made you think he viewed you as a child? Based on what you said, it sure sounded like he had. What a fool he was.

He sullenly walked to his room and took in the space with fresh eyes. He thought of how many movies you’d watched together there on the tv he had installed specifically for that purpose. All the times you’d stayed up talking, comforting each other. Would he truly never have that again?

He wanted to scream, to cry, but mostly he just wanted to sleep. He should make amends, he knew, but he just wasn’t sure he had the strength to. Not if you truly didn’t need him, and to hear that you meant it would be more than he can bear. Loki closed his eyes and fell into a slumber riddled with dreams of you and all that could have been.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A month. He hadn’t talked to you in a month. Every time he was ready to talk to you, you were avoiding him, and every time you were ready to talk to him, he was avoiding you. It was frustrating, to say the least.

You were still healing a little, but had made a fairly quick recovery. Despite praying for the same to be true of your relationship with Loki, it was still as damaged as ever. But sometimes he’d still make you a cup of tea on the mornings he knew you’d need it most. You couldn’t tell if it was out of habit or if he still cared for you. You weren’t sure you wanted to know.

Checking the time, you realized you were going to be late for a meeting. You knew you weren’t supposed to run, lest you re-injure yourself, but you wanted to make sure you got there in time to get a mission assigned to you. It would be your first time back in the field since the accident. Maybe that was an odd thing to be excited about, but you were. Or maybe you just wanted something to distract you from the whole Loki situation.

“There you are,” Steve greeted. “We were just about to start.”

As of late, you and Loki had been sitting as far away from each other as possible. Today, due to your late arrival, there was only one seat left. Your old one, right across from him. With a gulp, you took it, looking everywhere but him. As Cap began speaking, you dared a glance at Loki out of the corner of your eye. He was staring right at you, as if willing you to look back. He must not have been though, because when you did turn to him, he looked like a deer caught in headlights and looked away from you. The light blush coloring his cheeks didn’t go unnoticed by you, and utterly confused by his behavior, you turned your attention back to Steve.

“Ok,” Steve said, turning to you. “I’ve got another intel mission for you, but only if you’re up for it.”

“Of course,” you replied, willing the nerves in your stomach away. “When do we leave?”

“Well, it’s not ‘we’ exactly,” he said, clearing his throat.

You glanced around the room. All the best fighters were already on a mission, and if you were going, it was probably to deal with the computers, not be the muscle. Bruce was still here, but if he was going to come, it wouldn’t be a stealth mission. Thor and Tony didn’t really specialize in stealth either, but it was more probable. And then there was Loki.

“So who am I going with then?” you gulped.

“Loki.”

“What?” the god exclaimed. “Why me? Cannot Natasha go? Or my brother, perhaps?”

“Nat’s on a mission,” Steve replied. “And anyway we need your magic.”

“Ok, well what about me? I can sit this one out,” you chimed in. “Tony is plenty good with computers, too.”

“Yes, but you’re stealthier,” Steve said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Listen,” Tony chimed in. “It’s true that I’m amazing with computers, but Capsicle gave you the mission, not me. I don’t know what little lovers’ quarrel you two are having right now, but you need to put it aside for the good of the mission. Whatever’s going on, you’re still teammates.”

“Fine,” Loki said through grit teeth, snatching his file from Steve’s outstretched hand. “I will go.”

All eyes in the room turned to you as Loki stormed out. With a sigh, you nodded your head yes and took your own file. You flipped through and saw you’d be leaving tonight.

As soon as the meeting ended, you went to your room to pack. You considered trying to find Loki and talk through your issues, even going so far as to walk up to his door, but you chickened out at the last second. Sitting on your bed and flipping through the file, you were reminded of the last mission you went on. But not memories of getting shot; you thought of your phone call with Loki. You’d been doing so well with not crying, but you finally broke down. All you wanted was to be able to sob into Loki’s shoulder, be held in his arms. But no matter how helplessly in love with him you were, you were certain he could never feel the same.

That night, you cried yourself to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ride over to the hydra base was hell. It was just you and Loki, not even a pilot since the jet could fly itself. You spent the whole flight in silence, stealing glances at each other. With nothing else to do, you reviewed the file again. The plan was to have Loki cover you both with an invisibility charm, and you’d sneak into the computer lab. From there, he’d keep lookout while you downloaded the information. Once that was done, you should just be able to stroll out under the invisibility spell. Ideally, there would be no combat. Not like “ideally” went so well last time.

“Ready?” was all you said to break the silence as you landed.

“Yes. You?” he replied.

You nodded, and he handed you your bag. Stepping out of the cloaked vehicle, Loki cast his enchantment over you. Your heart nearly leapt out of your chest as he took your hand. You could still see each other and, and you softly smiled up at him.

“The spell will work better the closer we are, darling.” He seemed to rethink the use of the pet name, but it had slipped out before he could stop it. “I will let go once you set to work.”

“Oh, yeah,” you replied somewhat dejectedly. “That’s fine.”

He kept his word and held on until you reached the room. When he let go, it seemed to be somewhat reluctantly, or maybe that was just wishful thinking.

“This shouldn’t take long,” you reassured him.

“Take your time,” he said with the most genuine smile you’d seen him have in over a month.

You tried to focus on the task at hand, but Loki was standing so close to you that your mind kept straying. It was like with every second that passed, he crept even closer to you. When it got to the point that he was practically standing on top of you, you couldn’t hold your tongue any longer.

“Can I help you?” you snapped.

“Pardon?”

“Why are you standing so close? Do you need something?”

“Yes. I need you to be safe. If there is a bullet fired today, I can assure you, you will not be taking it.”

“Loki, I thought I told you. I don’t need you to protect me.”

“Did Natasha need you to protect her? Did Steve?”

“Well, no, but-”

“And yet you did anyway,” he cut you off. “Because it is something that you do when you care. And I care deeply for you, my darling.”

Your mouth hung open a little in shock. You supposed you shouldn’t read too deeply into it. After all, he didn’t say in what way he cared, and he had been your best friend before all this. It was probably just that. But the way his thumb was caressing your cheek as you leaned into his hand made you think differently. Before you lost your nerve, you surged forward and kissed him. He returned it immediately, though he seemed a bit surprised. His lips were soft, and you wanted to drown in the sensation of him. Your arms wrapped around behind his neck, and when you pulled away from the heated moment, you brought your hands forward to rest on his shoulders.

“Darling,” he whispered.

“Yes, Loki?”

“There are a million things I wish to say to you. But they will have to wait until we are done with the mission and back on the ship. Safe.”

“Oh, yeah,” you said, pulling away sheepishly. “That.”

You finished the data transfer and were on your way back out. Loki held you even closer than he had walking in. A couple of agents passed you, and despite your urge to fight, the god held you back while the charm did its work. Loki hadn’t even realized he’d been holding his breath until you made it back to the Quinjet safely.

“So,” you said after a minute of flying in silence. “Are you ready to talk then?”

“Yes, darling. I am.” He moved, so that he was sitting next to you, holding your hand. “I made a mistake, I understand that. I was overbearing and lost my temper without even trying to talk things out. I am sorry.”

“Loki, I forgive you. And I’m sorry, too. I said some awful things that I didn’t mean. Plus, I lied to you, my best friend. I miss you.”

“All is forgiven.” He pressed a quick kiss to the back of your hand. “I miss you, too. And there is something else. What you said in the hospital wing? About me treating you like a child? You do not actually believe that I think of you as such?”

“I, well, sorta,” you stammered, a panic building in you. Maybe that kiss was unwanted, after all. “Yeah. I do.”

“Then, darling, I am sorry for that, too. It is not true.” He got up from his seat and knelt before you, never letting go of your hand. “Because you mean so much more to me than that. Because I love you.”

You launched yourself into his arms, kissing him again. He laughed in delight as the sudden force of it knocked him over, both of you landing on the ground, you on top of him. You didn’t even bother to get up.

“I love you, too,” you said before peppering his face with a thousand tiny kisses. “And I need you. I’ll always need you.

When you were done, he looked into your eyes for a second before kissing your lips again. It was heaven. Neither of you even noticed that the plane landed and ramp opened until you heard a wolf-whistle. You looked over to see Tony standing there.

“Well, Reindeer Games,” he smirked. “Looks like I was right, you two do love each other.”

You felt rather flustered as you and Loki sat up. Before you could come to your defense, Loki spoke, eloquent as ever.

“Yes, Stark, you were right,” he said, with eyes only for you, getting ready to kiss you again. “And I could not be happier.”

[ofendlesswonder]

ah so exciting! would love number 25

25. “I need a place to stay.”

A shadow falls over Kara’s desk, and she pauses her proofread of her latest article to glance up at the person hovering by her shoulder, jaw dropping open when she gets a glimpse of messy blond curls.

“Carter?” It’s been months since she’d thought of him, longer still since she’d seen him, but the face is unmistakable, his bottom lip caught between his teeth. “What are you doing here? Is your Mom here?”

She hasn’t seen Cat in months, either, not since she left to ‘dive’ into pastures new. No one has seen her recently, in fact—she’s effectively disappeared off the face of the earth, is only mentioned in gossip columns when they’re speculating her whereabouts.

Not that Kara has a Google alert set up for her name, or anything.

“No, she’s in Washington.”

“D.C.?” What on earth is she doing there? And what on earth is Carter doing here, backpack slung over his shoulder, eyes red-rimmed and cheeks blotchy like he’d been crying.

“Yeah. She took a new job there.”

Kara feels like he’s reading from a script she isn’t privy too, has no idea how any of this has led him to be here, standing by her new desk and scuffing his converse along the floor. “Okay…”

“But I don’t want to live there. I didn’t want to leave here, but she said it would be temporary. That we’d come back. Only now she wants to work in the stupid White House and she’s looking at apartments and a new school and I—I don’t want it. We had a fight.” He sniffs, rubs the back of his sleeve across his cheek like he’s scrubbing away the remnant of his tears. “And I said I wanted to come back. Live with Dad, if that’s what it took.”

Kara can only imagine how Cat would have taken that.

Not well, by any means.

“She sent me back, only I don’t want to live with my Dad, I want to live with her, but here in our old apartment. He wouldn’t even meet me at the airport. He said I was old enough to get a cab.”

Kara’s jaw tightens—she knows Chris is an asshole, but this seems like a new low, even for him.

“So, I got a cab, but not to him.”

“You came here, instead.” Here, to some semblance of stability, of familiarity. The apartment is gone—Kara had helped Cat list it for sale, and it had been snapped up in no time, and she wonders if Cat had ever really considered a move back to National City. The apartment is gone, but CatCo. is not, and Kara remembers countless afternoons where Carter had come by after school, curling up in Cat’s office with his homework. Sometimes, Kara had helped him with a particularly stubborn math problem, or talked to him about his favorite anime, keeping him entertained until his mother was off the clock.

“I need a place to stay,” he says, voice small, eyes glued to his shoes. “Can I come home with you?”

Yes, she wants to say, without hesitation, recognizing the small, scared child he so desperately tried to hide, the one who felt like he had nowhere else to go. Yes, of course you can—but it’s never that simple, is it?

She has a secret identity to protect, and he’s supposed to be with his father, and Cat might kill her, and—

Wait.

Does Cat know where he is?

“No,” he says, when she asks. “I didn’t tell her. And I turned off my phone, so she wouldn’t track me.”

“Carter.” She can’t help the admonishment, because she knows how much Cat cares about him—she’d do anything for him, and she imagines her pacing up and down a hotel room in the capital, already on the phone to the police. “You should call her.”

He makes a noise of discontent.

“At least let her know you’re safe. She’ll be worrying.”

“Can you call her?”

“I…I don’t know about that. I think it would be better coming from you.”

“Please?” He peers down at her with eyes so like his mother’s that Kara aches.

“All right,” she sighs, and makes the mistake of glancing across the bullpen. Snapper is glaring at her, his face red. Great. Someone else who wants to kill me. Could this day get any better?

“Kara?” Cat answers the phone sounding harried, and Kara recognizes the faint note of panic in her voice. She lets herself bask in the familiarity of it for one long moment—months, since she’d heard Cat’s voice, months, since she’d last felt the comfort of it. Months of missing her, in a way she knows she isn’t allowed to. “This isn’t a great time.”

“Uh, I know.” She looks at Carter, who avoids her gaze. “Something about a missing fourteen year old?”

“How…how do you know that?”

“Because he’s standing right in front of me.”

“Carter’s with you?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Why?”

“Good question. Should I let him explain it for himself?”

Carter shoots her a sharp look, but Kara forces the phone into his hand anyway, pointedly turning away like she’s not listening as he lifts it to his ear. She stares at the blinking cursor on her computer screen as he talks, trying to summon the will to finish her work.

No such luck.

“Could you…could you keep an eye on him for me?” Cat asks, when Carter gives her back her phone. “I’m going to fly out as soon as I can, but it’ll be a few hours before I can get there. I know it’s an imposition, and he’s supposed to be with Chris, but he said he’d be more comfortable with you.”

Her gaze flickers to Carter, to the hopeful expression on his face, to the pleading note in Cat’s voice, thinks of the opportunity to see her again, even if for just one more day.

“Okay,” she says, and knows it’s the right decision when Carter lurches forward to wrap his arms around her neck. “I’ll watch him.”

“No runaway trains this time,” Cat says into her ear, and Kara laughs, remembering her last ill-fated babysitting attempt, a lifetime ago.

“I’ll try my best.”

 ***

The knock on her door comes at nine thirty, not quite loud enough to wake the sleeping teenager stretched out on her couch.

She pulls open the door, comes face-to-face with the woman she’s been trying so hard not to think about for the past few months, and Kara thinks, as their eyes meet, her heart thudding painfully in her chest, that she’s been fooling herself, because it all comes rushing back the second their eyes meet.

There was only ever one reason why things would have never worked with James, one reason why Kara hasn’t been able to so much as think about dating since they’d ended things, one reason why her life has felt so empty these past few months.

Only one person who could make her heart pound, set butterflies free in her stomach, make her palms—physically impossible though it may be—feel damp.

And that person is the woman standing in front of her now, her eyes as wild as her hair, mussed from the wind, a faint flush on her cheeks and Kara wonders if she’d raced up the stairs in those three inch heels, desperate to set eyes on her beloved son, to see for herself he was safe and well.

“Come on in,” Kara says, standing aside to let her past. It’s the first time Cat has been inside her home, and the gravity of the moment isn’t lost on her.

She’s glad she had the foresight to tidy up a little, while Carter had been in the shower.

If he’d noticed that the amount of cleaning she’d done shouldn’t have been possibly in such a sort frame of time by human hands, he’d had the grace not to mention it.

“I, uh, didn’t want to wake him up,” Kara says, pitching her voice low, when Cat gravitates toward the couch, gazing down at Carter with such open affection she feels like she has to look away. “Seeing as he’s had a hard day.”

She’d tried to distract him as much as possible, enlisting his help with the fun of filing while she’d been at work, and then with food and games once she’d taken him home. He looked like he’d needed it, lost in his head, spiralling over the choices that had been made for him, bits and pieces of his life over the last few months spilling out over the course of the afternoon.

“Thank you for looking after him.”

Kara shrugs. “It wasn’t any trouble.”

“Still. You don’t owe me anything. Not anymore.”

“On the contrary, Ms. Grant. I owe you a lot.” She’d forgotten how hard it was to think, with Cat’s eyes weighing heavy on her face. “My job, for example. I wouldn’t be a junior reporter without you.”

“Nonsense. You got that job on your own merit. Otherwise you wouldn’t be doing so well.”

“You read my articles?”

“Of course.” Cat looks offended she thought otherwise. “Is Snapper still giving you hell?”

“I think he likes to torture me.” Her nose wrinkles, and Cat laughs, some of her worry ebbing away now Carter is within her sights.

He’s still sound asleep, and Cat doesn’t look like she wants to wake him. Bathed in the glow of the lamp on Kara’s coffee table, she’s breath-taking, and Kara looks away before she’s caught staring.

“Do you, um, want a drink or anything?”

“I wouldn’t want to impose any more than we already have.”

Panic seizes her heart at the thought of Cat leaving so soon, because when would she see her again? Would she leave right away, ushering Carter back to the CatCo. jet and across the country before night truly fell? Or would she linger, perhaps let herself remember all the things she loved about this place?

Not that that would include you, you idiot.

“Please,” she says, trying not to listen to the voice in her head. “I…It would be nice to hear what you’ve been up to these last few months.”

For a moment, she doesn’t think it’s enough. Thinks Cat is going to leave anyway, slip away even though Kara only just got her back.

But then she blinks, and her lips curve into the smallest of smiles, and she says: “Very well. What have you got?”

Good question, Kara thinks, because probably not a lot. Whatever Alex and Maggie had left over last game’s night, which turns out to be a bottle of cheap whiskey Cat turns her nose up at. Kara doesn’t blame her—apparently it left a killer hangover.

“I’m trying to cut down on drinking,” Cat says, and her gaze flickers over to the back of the couch. “I’ve been told it’s not very healthy. Apparently it’s bad for my liver.”

A sentiment she’d never once shared before, but Kara bites her tongue. It’s none of her business, the ways in which Cat has changed. None of her business, to wonder if Cat’s been throwing down scotches to try and chase away the memories of the city she’d left behind.

“How about a tea?” Cat suggests, and Kara blinks at her.

There’s a request she’s never made before.

“Regular, peppermint or camomile?”

“Regular is fine.” Kara brews a pot, wonders why she feels so jittery, but she knows the answer. It’s because Cat is here, in her space, after so many months away. Here, in a place thus far untouched by her, and Kara knows when she’s gone she’ll feel the imprint of her, remember the way she’d stood, leaning against her kitchen counter, looking out of place and like she was exactly where she belonged at the same time.

“So,” she says, once she’s handed Cat a steaming mug. “Washington, huh?”

“Carter told you.”

“Only a little. He didn’t say what you were there for.”

“I was offered a job. White House Press Secretary.”

Kara nearly chokes on a sip of her own tea in shock. But then, she thinks, it makes sense. She could see it—Cat, at the front of a room full of reporters, tearing them apart if they dared ask her the wrong thing. She could certainly think of no better person to have fighting your corner than Cat Grant.

“Is that what you want to do? Get into politics?”

“It’s something I’ve considered.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

“My, my,” Cat says, clutching her mug between long fingers and throwing Kara a lazy smile. “Look at you. Am I being interviewed, Ms. Danvers?”

Kara ducks her head, feeling her cheeks warm. “Sorry. Force of habit.”

“It’s all right.” Cat’s voice is gentle, her eyes unguarded when Kara dares to look her way. “To be honest, I don’t know what I want. I thought getting away from here would bring me clarity, inspiration for my next big thing, but…instead I found myself wandering without purpose. Less a shark stuck in a tank and more a tiny goldfish, lost at sea.”

“Then why not come back? It...it’s not the same without you.” Too much, probably. Too close to spilling the truth, maybe, but it’s too late to take the words back now.

“Because my reasons for leaving haven’t changed.”

What reasons, Kara wants to ask, because the ones she’d been given had never made any sense. Cat handing over the reins to her beloved company just didn’t seem like something she’d do, especially without so much as a glance back. What reasons, Kara wants to know, but the line they tread is so thin—she thinks of Cat’s razor-sharp voice saying strictly professional and never wants to feel an ache like that again.

“And what about Carter?”

Cat glances toward the couch again and sighs. “I hadn’t realised he was so reticent until today. I know he struggles with change, but…I thought this would be a good one. He could go to a better school, have more opportunities. I didn’t know he was so attached to this place.”

“Of course he’s attached. It’s his home. It’s all he’s ever known, and you—no offence—are yanking it away from him.”

“I suppose you have a point.” Cat’s lips purse. “When did you get so wise?”

“Learned it from the best,” she says, and Cat’s smile is tight. “Are you…are you going back there tonight?”

“No, I don’t think so. I think Carter and I need to have a discussion, first. One where I listen to him instead of making the decision for him. I just…I thought I was doing the best thing for him. For both of us.”

“So you might stay?” She can’t quash the hopeful note in her voice, watches a shadow pass across Cat’s face and wonders what it means.

“I don’t know. I don’t know if I can.” Her fingers tremble, the tiniest amount, as she sets down her empty mug, runs them through her hair.

“Why?” Just do it, she thinks, because when she wakes up tomorrow, Cat might be gone, and there are too many unanswered questions for her to be left with. “What’s so bad about being here? What are you so desperate to get away from?”

“Oh, Kara.” Cat’s eyes close, a sigh rattling through her chest. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Then help me to.” She knows she’s being obstinate. That there’s a reason Cat doesn’t want to tell her, that she has no right to know.

But she remembers Cat saying goodbye, Cat’s arms wrapped around her, heart beating so loud it was impossible for Kara not to notice, the shimmer of tears in her eyes before she’d blinked them away. Remembers the countless times Kara had reached out, over the past few months, only to be ignored, like she meant nothing when she knew she’d meant at least something.

“Please, Cat. I just want—”

She’s cut off when Cat surges forward, settling one hand on the counter beside Kara’s hip and wrapping the other around the back of Kara’s neck, drawing her down into a kiss. Kara freezes, brain short-circuiting as Cat’s lip brush against her own, soft and warm, but when she feels Cat begin to pull away, her bravado failing, she snaps into action, discarding her mug on the counter and splaying a hand at the small of Cat’s back to keep her close.

It’s been building for years, she thinks, as Cat parts her lips for Kara’s searching tongue, nails digging into the base of her skull. Years of working closely together, a spark igniting but neither of them willing to give it space to grow, too terrified of what might happen, if it grew into a fire they could no longer control.

“That’s why,” Cat breathes, when she pulls away, heart hammering almost as fast as Kara’s.

“Seems like a pretty good reason to stay to me,” Kara says, leaning in to kiss her again, but Cat stops her with a shake of her head.

“It’s not. Kara, you shouldn’t want this. Shouldn’t want me.”

“I know,” she says, and when Cat flinches, she doesn’t let her pull away. “I know there are a dozen reasons why I shouldn’t, why we shouldn’t be together, but I also…don’t really care. I’ve spent the past few months missing you like crazy, and it hasn’t diminished the way I feel about you. Doesn’t that mean something? Doesn’t that mean it’s worth trying?”

“I…” Cat trails off, meets her gaze and traces the pads of her fingers across Kara’s cheek, looks at her like she barely believes she’s real. “I don’t know. I don’t know how to.”

“You start by letting me in. By not running away when—” She hears movement on the couch, hopes to Rao Carter hasn’t heard any of their hushed conversation. “Carter’s waking up.”

Cat is quick to slip from her arms, and Kara feels the loss of her like a physical ache, chilled to the bone in the places she’d just been burning with warmth. “I don’t want this to be the end of it,” she says, knowing Carter’s not yet fully conscious, knowing they have a few more stolen moments. “I don’t want you to go to your hotel room and talk yourself out of it.”

“Kara Danvers, are you asking me to spend the night?”

“No, because I know you’d turn me down.” She can sense it, in the nervous energy radiating from her. Cat isn’t a person who lays her heart on the line, is someone guarded and careful, isn’t reckless the way she had been tonight. She needed time to process, time to think it through, and Kara would give her that—as long as she wasn’t going to slip away without saying goodbye. “But we should talk. Tomorrow.”

“Before five.”

Kara frowns. “Why five?”

“Because that’s how long the Press Secretary job is on the table for.”

“You haven’t accepted it?”

“Not yet,” she says, and Kara feels hope bloom in her chest. “I told them I had some things I need to consider first.”

“And now?”

“Now I have even more things to think about.” She reaches out, catches Kara’s fingers with her own and squeezes, and Kara’s heart thuds in her chest. She wants to lean down, wants to kiss her again, already misses the heat of her mouth, but a head pops over the back of the couch, Carter rubbing at his eyes.

“Hi, Mom.”

“Don’t you ‘Hi Mom’ me,” Cat says, eyes narrowing until Carter gulps. “Do you have any idea how worried I was, young man?"

“I’m sorry,” he says, his head hanging. “But I wanted to stop you doing something stupid, and this was the only way I know how.”

And thank Rao he had. Her day would have shaken out very differently had Carter not arrived in the bullpen, she knows. She’d have finished her article and gone to hang out with Alex and Maggie, probably, tried to ignore the ache seeing the two of them so happy seems to incite, lately, craving something similar for herself.

“Hm. Well, we’ll talk about it later. For now, I think we’ve taken up enough of Kara’s time, don’t you?”

Not enough of it, Kara thinks, but she bites her tongue. Space. Time to process. Not snuggling up together on the couch with a movie.

“Thanks for today, Kara.” Carter looks only a little sheepish as he gathers his things, slinging his backpack over his shoulder.

“Any time, buddy,” she says, meaning it more than he’ll probably ever know. The urge to kiss Cat goodbye is so strong she can barely stand it, and she balls her hands into fists at her sides so she doesn’t reach for her. “I’ll, uh, see you tomorrow?” She asks, before Cat slips through the door, dizzy with the feeling of being on the cusp of something she’s wanted for so long.

“Tomorrow,” Cat agrees, looking like it pains her to say it, looking like she doesn’t know how she’s possibly going to muster the will to leave, green eyes so heavy on Kara’s face it feels like a caress, feels like the ghost of her kiss, makes her feel like she’s burning from the inside out. “Goodnight, Kara.”

Goodnight, and not goodbye, and Kara hovers in the doorway, watches them go down the hall.

“You are in big trouble,” she hears Cat say as they turn the corner, slipping out of sight. “What were you thinking?”

And she shouldn’t listen, she knows, but she catches her name, as they start down the stairs, and can’t help but tune in to a snippet of conversation.

“I was thinking I missed home, and that I was sick of you moping after Kara for the past eight months, and it was time someone did something about it,” Carter says, then: “Ow!” as Cat must smack him over the head.

“Don’t ever pull a stunt like that again.”

“But did it work?”

“None of your business.”

“It totally worked.”

Kara shakes her head, unable to bite back a smile as she steps back inside and lets the door shut behind her.  

[marvelettesassemble]

Lost and Found (Charlie x Reader)

Summary: Soulmate AU – Things you lose appear with your soulmate and you knew you found your soulmate when you see a thing you lost years ago in his possession

Warnings: battle of Hogwarts?

Word Count: ~ 1.8k

Your fingers tried to find the little box you were searching for in your bag. In front of you stood your best friend, her eyes hopeful and expecting and now you couldn’t find her birthday present. Instead of the small box with a necklace that you had made yourself you found a glove. You pulled said item out and inspected it closely.

The smile on your friends face fell. “You lost my present?” she asked.

“Ugh, I can offer you one glove?” you held the new item in front of her. You friend sighed and told you it wasn’t your fault, but both of you knew that she was disappointed.

You weren’t quiete sure how it worked with the lost items and those who appear with you. You tried to lose something deliberately with your name on it so your soulmate knew who you were, but you couldn’t get rid of that piece of paper. However, the birthday present you made for your best friend and took hours to made got lost so easily and in return you got something from your soulmate. “Well, we add it to the collection,” your friend sighed. Not everyone was gifted with a soulmate, it was rather special and so your friend was as curious as you who your soulmate was, because it didn’t seem as if she had one.

“There’s a Hogsmead weekend coming, I’m treating you with something nice then.” you offered.  

You wondered what your soulmate would do with the necklace. Your collection consisted of one glove, some hair ties (you knew it wasn’t yours as there were red hairs stuck in it), a hastily written list (wormwood, dittany, bubotuber pus, dragon liver – REPLACEMENT?), a shirt which somehow smelled of bonfire and something you hadn’t told your friend: a plush dragon. He wasn’t new when he landed in your possession. His ear was almost falling off and his eye was hold on one last string. You repaired him and since then he slept in your bed.

-x-

A few years had passed since you found the glove and with the war almost knocking on your door you were afraid of two things: what if your soulmate was on the other side or what if he or she didn’t make it? These were things you had no influence on and were still on your mind when more pressing matters lay in front of you.  

As a member of Dumbledores Army you were informed that the battle would take place in Hogwarts soon. And you would take place in it, there was no way you wouldn’t fight for the right thing. Your father was a muggle and you wanted your freedom back. You wanted to chose how you would live your life.

You apparated to the Hogs Head at the same time as Cho Chang and met a grumbling Aberforth who told you which way would lead to Hogwarts. Your old DA coin had told you that Harry would be back and you weren’t surprised to see many of the members when you finally walked into the room at the end of the tunnel.

That had been hours ago which felt like a lifetime. Not everyone had survived and you stood in the shambles of your old school that you had called home for seven years. You didn’t know what to do right now, so you sat down on the stairs to the castle and looked out onto the forest. Your mind couldn’t really wrap around everything that had happened so far.

You almost felt like throwing up and you clutched your belly rather painfully. “Are you injured? Do you need help?” you heard someone asking you. You denied, you weren’t deeply injured it was just a little bit too much for you at that moment, but you kept that to yourself.

“I’ll sit down here, if you don’t mind,” you heard the strangers voice again, but you didn’t reply. After a while you turned towards him and took in his features. The first thing you noticed were his freckles that covered his whole face and the second thing was the flaming red hair that reminded you of the one which were covered in the hair ties that had turned up. But the hair on his head was shorter than the ones you found. His hands rested on his tights and looked beaten up.  

“Aren’t you that dragon boy? The one that was here at the first task of the Triwizard Tournament?” you asked suddenly.

“Yeah, I’m Charlie Weasley.”

“Weasley?” you asked. Well you shouldn’t be so surprised with that hair. “Your brothers were in my year, Fred and George,” you told him.  

“Freds injured, it’s not fatal but everyone is cornering him, so I just needed a little bit of air,” he told you. You asked him, if the rest of his family is okay and he nodded in confirmation.

“I think I need to check in with some of my friends, I’ve been here too long,” you said and stood up, your knees almost buckling beyond your weight. It had been exhausting hours, but you managed to make your way to the great hall. You spotted Neville and Luna and decided to join them. You looked over to the Weasleys who stood around someone who you suspected was Fred. When George looked up and met your gaze you mouthed if he was okay and he nodded before he looked back at his brother.

“Are you okay?” Luna asked you after a while.

“I don’t know. I know we won, but it doesn’t really feel like it, does it? We’ve lost too much,” you admitted your feelings. You felt kind of bad as you were sitting next to Neville who had done something magnificent, but you couldn’t help yourself. You gaze flew to the Weasleys again and you saw Charlie now among them. He had lifted his hand and you could see something on his wrist. You weren’t sure if your imagination was playing tricks on you, but you needed to be sure.

Without a comment you stood up and walked over to the Weasleys. A few of them greeted you when they noticed who came towards them. You asked George how Fred was, but before the twin in front of you could reply Fred answered for him that it needed more than that to finish him. You couldn’t help but smile at your former classmate and replied that it was good to hear that.

You turned towards Charlie and asked him if you could see his bracelet. You didn’t wait for his reaction as you were already busy pulling his hand to your face to examinate the jewellery.

“You don’t happen to have lost a plush dragon around eight years ago, dragon boy?” you asked. You could see him blushing and you were sure that the both of you hold now the attention of the whole family. “Because I made this as a necklace for my friend and it happened to be lost when I wanted to give it to her. Instead I had to buy her many butterbeers and cauldron cakes to make up for it, so I guess you owe me.”

“Charlie has a soulmate?” you heard Ron asking flabbergasted.

“Of all the things that are now in your possession, you must comment on the plushie?” Charlie finally said to you.

“Of course, it is my favourite piece,” you answered with a big smile on your face. “I also want you to know that I’ve taken good care of him and that he just waits to be returned.”

Before anyone could say anything else Charlies mother interrupted that you were more than welcome to come over for dinner. You told her that you first had to make sure to look after your parents but you’d stop buy. When you walked back to your friends you could hear George voice: “You scored her? I just want to tell you that Fred tried to ask her out once.”

-x-

“I’m afraid they think I forced you to something you don’t want,” you admitted again when you stood in front of the burrow. That wasn’t the first time you had that conversation. To be honest you had that conversation for months now and by the time it was even too late to change anything.

“I bet they’re more than happy,” he assured you.

“Well I hope you are happy,” you said and kissed his lips. You walked around the house and into the garden where a big table stood. As there was more and more family and extended family every time it was difficult to get everyone at the table at the same time. You were the last to arrive and while you still stood as the rest of them sat at the table you choose this moment for your announcment.

“We have something to tell you,” Charlie said and got the attention of whole table.

“Are you pregnant?” asked Fred.

“Were you finally able to adopt a dragon?” George asked instead.

“No, we’re moving back.” Charlie announced. This wasn’t what anyone had expected with the exception of Bill, who was helping the two of you. Molly squealed and jumped up to throw her arms around her son.

“But Romania was what you always wanted,” said Ginny astonished.

“Yeah, but sometimes it changes what you want. She wasn’t really happy in Romania. We tried for a year, but even when she didn’t tell me that directly I noticed it. And I can’t be happy when she isn’t. She tried to do it for me, now I try it for her.” He squeezed your hand. “And I noticed that I missed a lot. We’re such a big family, but I sometimes feel like a stranger and I really want to change that. And I also want to be the uncle who is actually there instead of one who writes a letter once in a while. So, we’re both happy that we will be moving back.”

“You’re more than welcome to stay here for a while,” Arthur offered with a smile on his face.

“We might take you on that offer, dad. We found a little house, but it needs a lot of work. Might take a while for us to finish it.” His siblings promised to help the two of you with renovations and you noticed that they were more than happy that to have their brother back in their live.

“We even have a photo of the house, I’ll show you,” you said and reached for the photograph in your jacket. Instead of the paper your fingers grasped something small, metallic. You pulled the thing out and stared at it. “Charlie, do you want to explain why I have a ring in my pocket?”

He looked shocked at you and when he searched his pocket and instead of the ring he bought for you he pulled out a photograph.

[bloodredx]

Day 4: Medicine

It had been centuries since she first took up the practice, and if anyone knew the truth, one might argue that Lady Serena had invented the concept of modern medicine in Glacidea. She of course, would deny that if pressed, but fortunately no one would know to bring up the claim in the first place. One would just need to take one look around her office’s “collection of antique medical equipment” to see how things have changed over the years. Of course, these were really just a collection of favorite tools she herself used, some more delicate than others. Still, even knowing the good memories of helping people, saving lives, and removing pain from those who so desperately needed the care, the lingering knowledge of death would forever chase her.

Perhaps when she was younger, and felt more guilt over her position in unlife, particularly over the damage she had past caused, that death’s hand being right next to her own would have made her quiver. No longer, for Serena was now quite confident with the fact that Adamsa Frisay often accompanied her on her lonely walks down the hospital’s hallways. The God of the End was the most mysterious of the pantheon, but that never changed the sad kinship she felt when reflecting upon that inevitability, even for herself. Though she’d been plenty successful in not meeting him just yet.

Still, she was no god. And no matter what, people died. Her eyes scanned the test results quickly, keeping pace with the strip of paper the blood chemistry machine was printing out. “Lymphocytes dangerously low…” The doctor pulled up her patient’s chart as she remained unsurprised. His blood smelled that way, even as she loaded it into the machine. “Ketone high as well. Just into the brink of acidosis.”

The Lady took a sip from a coffee mug, cheekily printed with a label to “Donate Blood!” Of course the substance within was the result of such generosity, but the taste of good blood still didn’t overpower the smell of her patient’s blood. “Creatinine is also sky rocketing.” She tutted her tongue as she made notes in her precise cursive.

Icarus, who never felt truly comfortable in the lab, seemed able to put aside his general discomfort for once to take interest in his mentor’s work for once. “Do you always talk to yourself this much while working?”

Serena shot him a look with targeted precision. “Does it bother you?”

Her ward nearly recoiled, lifting his hands in defense. “Not at all. I meant to ask, does it help you?”

“Organize my thoughts, yes. I suppose it’s more routine at this point.” She laid her pen down on the counter, and pulled the read out of results from the printer. Another sip of her mug as she crinkled her nose. “Does the smell not bother you?”

“Of that man’s blood?” Icarus raised his brow. “A little, now that you mention it. But it’s still so intoxicating in any other way.”

“Hmm.” Serena noted his response before turning to face him, a stern expression on her face.

“What’s wrong with him?”

“He’s dying.” She took another measured sip of blood. “Critical failure of his kidneys and liver to an extent that he would not survive the wait list for a transplant. For either organ.”

Though it had been years that he’d known the Lady now, her bluntness never sat easy with him. Even more so at the weight for a potential death. “Anything you can do?”

“An ignorant question.” She concluded quickly. “There is much we can attempt, dialysis, intense regiments of drugs that would otherwise cause innumerable side effects to his overall quality of life. But the fact remains he was rolled into my ER unconscious and so affected by jaundice that even running these tests for a few minutes has cut off the effectiveness of any treatment by hours. Days even.”

“So you’ll let him die?” Icarus stood up, feeling heat coursing through his veins. Though he wasn’t sure what the cause was, certainly the Lady could be cruel, but she wasn’t heartless. At least not to that extent.

“Everyone dies, Icarus. Even us.” Her voice was icy, flat against the sterile lab environment. “But that being said, I have ideas of options for his family. Ultimately, that’s their choice, his fate. And you had best believe I’ll go through with any plan they approve to my best ability. I’ll move mountains, drain seas, and plug volcanos for them. But I am merely a medical tool, I can no better stop the inevitable than you can stop time eroding history.”

A silent standoff went off within Icarus’s mind. She was right on one level. But she did have other choices. One that most other doctors didn’t. “Have you ever thought about embracing someone?”

He regretted the question the second it left his lips, wincing reflexively to avoid the sour expression and lecture his mentor was sure about to bury him under. But after a few moments of extended quiet, he cracked an eyelid to see what stopped her from her relentless fury.

Instead of the traditional scowl, her face was heavy with an emotion he hadn’t seen on Serena. Was it sadness? Remorse? He couldn’t tell, but her lips frowned in a softer angle than he had seen before, and for once she had broken her near constant, near dominating eye contact. No, she was staring squarely at her own wrists, eyes following the too dark veins that crossed under her pale skin. She a drew a deep breath, one that both of them knew was unneeded, but still an element to any conversation, no matter the need of oxygen, before opening her mouth slowly to speak.

“I would love to lie to you and say no, it hasn’t.” A pause, unlike her. “But I am many things, a liar is not included amongst them.” A finger traced alongside the veins as she continued. “It would be very easy, the most perfect cure to illness, and a near perfect one to death entirely. And though I am quite content with my existence, I cannot find nor guarantee that anyone else would be. To be thrust upon bloodlust without even knowing it, to be so sick and nearly gone to meet the gods again, and then be thrown back to the world with such darkness taken within them. I cannot ordain such behavior.

“There was an opportunity long ago where I could have done so to save someone I loved above all else at the time, to change the entire history of my world. But I wouldn’t, no, couldn’t do it. And the world has never been the same for me since.” She stepped away from the counter, taking a few stride to where Icarus was sitting, all in order to place a calm hand on his shoulder. “I cannot ask someone to follow me to where I am, but I have thought of it. It’s almost a feature of the blood; that we make more of ourselves to survive. However, I only ask that if you come upon the chance to find yourself in my shoes, that you won’t fall back to the easy fix, the snake oil cure. Vampire blood does much, but it takes much more than it gives. Practice good medicine in all that you do. I would hope I’ve rubbed off enough on you to leave you with that guidance if nothing else.”

Icarus felt himself frown as he tracked the glow of light in her brown eyes. What could he say in response to that? Certainly nothing snippy as he normally would, no. Heaviness sat in the air a moment, lingering like cigar smoke before he broke her gaze. “Of course, Lady Serena. I won’t do anything to disappoint you.”

Her hand dropped down to his, lifting them to chest level as she squeezed them tightly. “I know you won’t.”

The tenderness struck him, but then again so did everything else about this exchange. And he knew a little bit better the exact person his mentor was. While he could do little in the nature of medicine that she could, he could at the very least go on with the same grip on existence. “You have a life to fight for.” He returned the squeeze to her hand before letting go with a little push.

Her normal features snapped back into place, resetting the scene as if it had never happened in the first place. “That I do. Please excuse me.”

(OC-tober challenge by @oc-growth-and-development can be found here)