#making the most of the few hours my tablet has left in her honestly lol

[blu3berrydraws]

--- what’d you do?

[fandom-imagination-ss]

Clark Kent imagine

Author note: I cannot remeber writing this..and since i haven’t wrote anything for a while. I figure hey why not!!!!! So Sorry if it doesn’t make sense LOL 😂😂 I will be posting more soon promise.!!

Did i proof read: .... I honestly dont remember writing this soo.. you BET your tooth i didn’t proof read

Rating: fluffy!

Fandom: DC

God your such a big Dork!”

Laughing loudly your sides hurt , Clark just tripped and slide right into a lamp and somehow managed for the shade too be on. His head. You reached over helping him chuckling softly tracing your hands over his broad shoulders making sure he wasn’t hurt. Those Hurting Clark was physically impossible. You still worry.

He chuckled softly saying sorry, you just laughed giving him a quick kiss on the shoulder as you shifted too move too your sofa.

Loving Superman had it’s perks and downsides, the biggest one was that Loris Lane was Furious that you “stole” her profit. Clark always said that Louis never abused their relationship too get articles or too gain more popularity. But she was literally the Only reporter in the entire City that Had Full access too the most talked about man in the entire world.Getting raises left and right when She got a “in-depth “ conversation with Superman and ally he deets on a attack. Whatever way Clark spelt it out. You hated that she abused her relationship for gain at work. It felt wrong. She was literally Sleepign with the subject too information.

It didn’t help that your relationship with her was tense even before you knew she knew about Clarks double life. You were one of the few humans too know about Clarks ability before he became Superman. You grew up right down the road from Clark, same grade, best friends all thru school. Clark would show off his powers too you when you were younger and you were the only one outside he’s family too know. After he left and ran off too find himself you stayed and helped his mom and then Superman arrived and you reconnected with your oldest friend and you moved toot he city after a awful breakup and you just always were around. And Louis hated it. You tried too be friendly towards her. But once Clark discovered she was In bed with lex Luther. (Right in the middle of the Act.) he was furious And heartbroken and he broke up with her and you were secretly glade you didn’t have too pretend too be friends with her anymore.

Dating the man of steel happened so naturally you can’t even remember when it started or how it started who made the first move it just felt Right. Clark was smiling cupping your face looking at you “what you thinking about?”

Poking his stoumch you look up at him grinning, “how I’m so lucky too have my Dork.” He chuckled reaching over kissing your head. “I have too go surveillance with Bruce you be alright tonight?”

Nodding your head weakly. You were use too having too share Clark with the world. Honestly how can you complain when he’s Saving the literally world?

“Oh Ask Bruce How The Hell do you connect the light too the speakers? Too do that flashy thing.he’s instructions Suck!”

He chuckled saying okay.

He walked off. As you grinned excited too have the apartment too yourself. You walked over too your room getting out of your Jeans and into Shorts and a shirt of clarks you always steal it had he’s favourite football team. Making dinner for you, and a dessert. You grabbed your Tablet (making sure too put sticky tack on both lenses after reading how easily the cameras’ are hacked you always put Sticky tack on it if your gonna watch something in the tub.

Getting the Tub ready you started binge watching a the musketeers. When you finished having a relaxing bath you got into your cloths again and watched it on the tv. The actors were Hot as Hell. And the voices. Melting! Clark had that affect on you. He’s voice was smooth and deep and Hot. Those every aspect of your boyfriend is Hot.

You looked around realizing the place was empty as you went too the freezer as you pulled out your container of Icing. Before retuning too the sofa and warming it up as you had your spoon from your ice cream and mixed it as you watched tv. An hour passed when jumped gasping at some scenes. Then you heard the deep chuckle of your boyfriend.

“what are you doing?” You turned looking at Clark seeing him in his uniform as you had a spoon sticking out of your mouth as you spoke, “I’m- what are you doing here? I thought you were going too be late?”

“I came too check on you- what are you watching?” Getting up as you grabbed the icing container as you spoke, “Mustkeers.- what- aren’t you suppose too be hanging with a bat?” He chuckled walking over pulling you into a deep kiss it was unexpected as he pulled back as he spoke, “good icing.” You laughed hitting his softly as he grinned holding your head. “You smell nice.”

“had a bath with my good stuff.” He chuckled softly rubbing your cheek with his thumb.

“thank you.”

“For. Bathing?”

Clark chuckled kissing your forehead as he spoke, “No for being you.”

“thank you?”

He kissed you again before dashing off as you got ready for bed.

Standing in the shower in the morning getting cleaned you turned seeing Clark standing in the bathroom smiling as you spoke ‘what?”

Seeing him pulling off his Shirt, which even after a year of dating. Still left you breathless seeing him shirtless. He was curved and caved from the Gods! It still took you back that he was yours. That this guy. Who looks like a god, has powers As if he was one. Was your you giggled seeing him quickly undress and Joining you in the shower. Quickly pulling you into a deep Kiss,

Perfection can only last for so Long.

It was wrong place at the wrong time. You were In a Church helping your friend choose a location for her wedding when a machine came Crashing into the Chapel destroying it. And the impact flung you backwards and you were pierced thru the stoumch by a pipe it slipped thru you like butter. You were pinned too the wall as you looked up seeing Lex Luther appear from the robotic machine he laughed loudly seeing you.

Superman arrived instantly you saw him just in time too loose vision from loosing so much blood. You heard him screaming No! As you drift.

Clark Dashed over too you seeing you impaled and pinned too the wall. He’s screams broke windows of the church as he fell down onto his knees realizing that you were gone. The girl who Never treated him like anything then a boy. The boy she has known her whole life. Who once learning about everything about him. Simply asked if she kissed him could she get the ability too be super strong. The girl who use too help him practice how too control who would sneak over too play with him. Who was his first kiss. The women who idea of a fun night in is. Watching a fantasy show and be bare legged and as comfy as possible. Clark felt his soul breaking seeing you. The Girl he was going too marry.have a family with.

“Opps.”

Luther said giddy seeing Clark in so much pain. Before Clark could find the strength too move. Luther dissapeared.

Clark screamed NO. You were gone..

Weeks passed with No sighting of Luther, Bruce ended up going toot he funeral, so did Diana , and Berry who you once meeting the flash instantly wanted too bet that Clark was faster. And you and him would have in debut conversations about Harry Potter. Wonder women was close with you also. You worked in a museum , and she would telly you stories a bout the greek gods. And the Amazon women. Cyborg was amazed a girl of this time. Couldn’t figure out how too do anything technical. You were as clueless as a 80 year old man trying too make a call on a smart phone.

Arther arrived toot he funeral with the others as he stood up too talk.the funeral was beauitful, and the wake was Sad. Clark’s Mom invited all the justice league too her house. Where Clark was staying since Luther has been MIA.

“when I first met that feisty women. She asked if I could really talk too whales and asked what they liked talking about. Then she told me I this insane theory of whales being fictional. Apparently that girl lived on the coast for two years. And Never saw a whale.Clark took her too my dads lighthouse and I got a few too pop up too show them off. I never seen a happier person in my life. She acted like a kid on Christmas Day .she was- something special.”

They all chuckled as Clark was silent holding his hands tightly as Diana stood up. “When I first met Y/N. she was covered head too toe in dirt and Mud. She was playing football with Clark.- She looked like the happiest girl in the world. I knew excatly at that moment she was madly in love. I remember looking like that at Steve. She asked me too help scare Clark it was- apparently her mission in life too scare him Once.-“ Diana went quite Seeing Clark was stiff. She knew excatly how he felt. Hallow inside with going thru the motion.

Bruce was about too speak when the front door opened. Seeing Y/N covered in dirt. You stood in the front entrance covered in dirt wearing the dress you were buried in. You coughed loudly as Clark Rushed over too you griping your face tightly, “how- How is this possible?”

“what the hell happened?”

Everyone looked at each other stunned as Diana heard a fast beating sound.

“Y/N? Is that you?” Clark was crying too hard too hear anything as Diana stepped over as she kneeled down pressing her ear too your stomach.

“it’s a heartbeat.”

“WHAT?” Gasping loudly as Clark was too stunned too take any of that information in. But your ears were working. “Shut up no it’s not! I- I was. In the church wasn’t I when that bastered- how- I woke up in the graveyard what the fuck! Is going on?!”

“how did you get out of the grave.. you were just Barried this morning.”

Rolling your shoulders you shook your head, “I woke up up above ground.. I wans’t- you buried me? What the Hell why!” You hit Clark as he gripped your face tightly as he spoke, “you scared the Shit outta me! How- I don’t understand you were died.”

You rolled your shoulders, “Don’t look at me! The last thing I remember was being in the church.. what- what happened?”

“you died..But I think your baby protected you.”

That’s when Clarks ears started working as he turned too wonderwomen. “Excuse me? Baby?”

“Oh Boy..’

[lovemesomesurveys]

1 - Who was the last person to give you a gift? What was the reason for it? My mom got me a Christmas rug the other day just because she saw it and knew I would like it.

2 - Are you a good cook? If so, who taught you? What’s your favourite thing to cook? Nope. I don’t cook except for ramen and easy, convenient things in the oven and microwave. 

3 - When was the last time something in your house broke? Did you manage to fix it or did you need to buy a replacement? The light switch in our kitchen is spotty. Not sure how we’ll go about fixing it.

4 - Is any part of your body hurting right now? What caused that pain? My back. I have chronic back pain issues from severe scoliosis and two horrible spinal fusion surgeries. The metal rods also need to come out, but the surgery would be extremely invasive and extensive because I’ve had them in me since I was like 11 years old. It’s not something I want to do

5 - Do you have anything exciting planned for the upcoming weekend? It’s the weekend now and it’ll consist of my usual everyday activities. 

6 - If you could spend two weeks in any city in the world, which city would you pick and why? Nowhere at the moment of course, but in a safer time there’s a few places that instantly come to mind. I can’t wait to be able to travel again and feel safe to be out and doing things. Who knows when that will be, though.

7 - When was the last time you tripped or fell in public? if there was nobody around to see you, did you still feel embarrassed? It’s been several years since I’ve fallen at all, thankfully. It’s happened a few times, some of which were at school and that was super embarrassing. As someone in a wheelchair, it’s not like I could just jump up real quick and try to play it cool or quickly run off, so yeah. Not fun. The last time I feel, though, it was actually going out my front door. I don’t know what happened, but before I realized what was happening or could try to do anything about it I found myself on the ground. Thankfully, my mom was home and able to help me. I was fine, physically. More than anything it leaves me feeling very shaken up and takes me a minute to collect myself. I have gotten some nasty scratches on my hands before, though.

8 - The last time you made a sandwich, what did you put in there? I think it was a turkey and salami sandwich with Colby Jack cheese and mayo.

9 - How many hours sleep did you get last night? Was that enough for you or could you have slept for longer? Like 5ish. It never feels like enough regardless.

10 - What’s your favourite time of day? What’s your favourite thing to do at that time? I like my first cup of coffee of the day and my nighttime routine time.

11 - Where did you go the last time you left your house? I had a doctor appointment. Afterwards, I rode along while my brother ran an errand and then we picked up some lunch on the way home.

12 - Are you tired right now? Will you be going to bed anytime soon? I’m always tired. I plan on trying to do a few more surveys before attempting sleep.

13 - How many times a week do you get takeaway coffee, if you get it at all? Well, ever since Starbucks released their holiday drinks this year I’ve been getting it seriously almost everyday. I’d say 4-5 times a week. I don’t ordinarily get it nearly that often, but for some reason I’ve been on a serious peppermint white chocolate mocha kick this year and want it everyday. My coffee at home hasn’t been doing it for me, which is not good lol I’ve been spoiled too long now. :X

14 - What radio station do you listen to the most? It’s been a few years since I’ve listened to the radio.

15 - If you eat steak, how do you like it cooked? What sauces or sides do you like to go with it? I do not like steak.

16 - Do you prefer sweet or savoury pancakes? What toppings do you have on them? Just regular ol’ pancakes with butter and maple syrup. It’s been awhile since I’ve had pancakes now that I think of it.

17 - Are you someone who cracks their joints a lot? Which one(s) do you tend to crack and click the most? I do it with my fingers and I stretch out my arms a lot because my arms are usually in a bent elbow position if that makes sense?

18 - Have you ever taken medication or tablets to help you sleep? is this something you do on a regular basis? I’ve tried like Melatonin before, but that’s it. It was just like a few times. I’ve drank chamomile tea many times, though, and I find it helps. If I want a sleep aid, I’d go for that instead.

19 - For you, what’s the worst thing about getting up in the morning? What about the worst thing about going to bed tonight? The getting up part? ha. I feel like such a zombie and need time to get up. In a perfect world I’d have someone who handed me a coffee everyday as soon as I got up haha. The worst part about going to bed is just getting to sleep.

20 - Do you prefer regular or diet soft drinks? I’d go for regular if I was going to drink soda.

21 - What do you tend to wear if you’re just hanging about the house for the day? My everyday attire is leggings and an oversized graphic tee. Basically all of my time is hanging around the house, especially this year, but even if I do go somewhere I’d wear the same thing.

22 - When was the last time you dyed your hair? Did you do it yourself or get it done at a hairdresser? I last got it done at the place I regularly go to back in February.

23 - Does having to wear a mask stop you doing things? Is this because you struggle wearing one or you just don’t like it? I honestly don’t mind wearing them. To be fair, though, I don’t have to wear them for long periods of time like many people do. 

24 - Have you ever witnessed a car accident? Or have you perhaps been involved in one yourself? Were you at fault? I’ve witnessed them, but I have not been involved in one.

25 - When was the last time you baked a cake? What cake was it? It’s been a few years, but it was likely a funfetti cake.

26 - Do you like wearing bows or accessories in your hair? I only wear scrunchies now, but I was into bows for awhile when I was younger. I had several to try and accessorize with my outfits.

27 - How many books do you read in a year? Do you enjoy reading or do you have to really force yourself to sit down and read? I love reading and do quite a lot of it. The amount I read varies each year, of course. I’m not sure how many I’ve read this year, but it’s a lot. I could figure it out since they’re all ebooks on my Kindle app, but.... I don’t feel like checking right now.

28 - If you have pets, where did they come from? A breeder, a rescue or maybe a friend who bred their pet? We adopted her. <3

29 - Do you make your bed every morning when you get up? It’s always made because I sleep on top of it and just use a throw blanket I keep to the side.

30 - When was the last time you got takeaway food? Was it good? Last night. It was good, but my appetite was messed up so I didn’t enjoy it as much as I normally would.

[asgardlover75]

Wonderwall

So this is one of my favorite songs of all time.  I love the simplicity of it and the fact that everyone loves to sing it, regardless of their taste in music.  I’ve been thinking long and hard about how to write this one and had some ideas.  One day last week I just sat down and wrote.  Kinda nice when things flow like that.  I’ve decided to go ahead and post it because if I keep messing with it I’m gonna go crazy.  Lol  

Thank you @buckysforeverprincess for hosting this and congrats on the milestone!

Enjoy!

 Character Pairing – Steve x OFC

Triggers – some talk of foster care and neglect but nothing too crazy.  

Song – Wonderwall by Oasis

Since Shield had been rebuilt, much to Steve’s disappointment, the Avengers had created a program that allowed some sharing of resources with other agencies.  Those agencies were the federal and world wide governments and SHIELD of course.  Sharon Carter had become director of SHIELD for its reincarnation and she had been doing a bang up job so far.  Agents that Director Carter and a small group of trusted advisors thought were reliable and trustworthy could have a chance to work closely with the Avengers.  That could entail going on missions across the world or helping out at the compound or Avengers Tower.  In the last two years there had only been a handful of agents picked for this highly prized internship but Steve had to say he definitely had his favorites.  

Aribella Stone was one of those favorites.  

“Uh, forgive me Director but these stats are not as…they kinda suck compared to what you’ve compiled for us before.”  

Steve sat next to Tony, rolling his eyes as he blew out a frustrated breath.  Chastising the billionaire quietly, the captain gave his friend the stink eye and turned back to Sharon.  The director looked unaffected by Tony’s outburst and even had a trace of smugness in her smile.

“No, the stats aren’t as high as what we normally select but this one is special.  I think she will fit in nicely with your bunch.”

Tony froze, looking up at the woman across from him, puzzled.  

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means she’s good at her job and can hold her own with you assholes.”

Nine months later and the team joked about keeping her permanently because Sharon was correct. Aribella fit in so well with their group that it felt like she’d always been there.  No, she wasn’t the fastest agent they’d worked with.  Aribella couldn’t break down a weapon in record time or take down someone twice her size, but she was dependable and smart as hell. She also rivaled Stark in the snark department.  

Sam and Bucky enjoyed her ability to word vomit her thoughts.  She had no filter at all but no one complained because her insight was almost always valuable and her humor was on par with theirs.  Tony and Bruce would often drag her into the lab to pick her analytical brain and outside the box thinking.  Wanda and Nat just liked having another girl that they could just be themselves around.  

She wasn’t the only agent working with them at the moment, but there was more of a camaraderie with Aribella than the other agents.  Steve and Tony didn’t play favorites, each agent had their own strengths and helped contribute.  Aribella’s were just more well-rounded than some of the others.  The petite, 28 year old blonde had become an invaluable member of their team and none of them wanted her to leave, but her time was up and it was soon becoming someone else’s turn to learn from Earth’s mightiest heroes.  

Then, the illness hit. All around the world people were becoming sick and dying and there was a race to stop the mysterious illness. Quarantines were instituted all over, especially in the bigger cities.  New York was no exception.  Considering around 8 million people lived there the team made the decision to move back into the tower, hopefully temporarily.  Bruce and Tony would be working with scientists around the world to figure out the virus and try to make a vaccine.  The rest would be ready to help out wherever needed and they needed to be in the thick of it.  

Pepper was working on making sure all non-essential personnel made it home to their families safely and that they had what they needed during lockdown.  Aribella and Nat had worked alongside her to prepare as well as they could for not only their employees, but anything the team might need as well.  Tony and Steve had come to Pepper’s office to check on how things were going and share information.  Aribella and Nat were gone when they arrived, which was probably a good thing.  They needed to get working as soon as possible.

“We’ll need to keep a skeleton crew at the compound just in case.  Sam has a list of those that are volunteering to stay, a couple would like their families to stay with them as well.”  Pepper’s voice had a  tinge of exhaustion in it as she shared where they were with Tony and Steve.  

“Shouldn’t be a problem. The automated systems are enough to keep everyone safe.  We can always run over and check on them if need be.”  Tony responded, a bit distracted by the news on the screen in front of him.  

Steve was sitting on the couch, studying his Stark tablet when he heard the worry in Tony’s voice and looked up.  The banner at the bottom of the screen scrolled across with the numbers of those sick and infected and they seemed to climb every day.  He knew that Tony was using every resource at his disposal to try and help the World Health Organization and the CDC get ahold on this thing.  Sharing a quick glance with Pepper, Steve cleared his throat and tried to refocus his friend.

“Looks like all the agents on loan have been released to go back home.  Three of them have volunteered for anything we might need and are willing to come back should something happen that we need some help with.”

“Does that include your girl too?”  

Steve felt his face heat up at Tony’s playful tone but kept his eyes on the tablet.  It irked him being so transparent that his friends had picked up on his interest in Aribella.  Though their ribbing had been relatively gentle, Tony took every opportunity to goad him, especially when the lady in question wasn’t around.  

“Oh, she’s staying.”  

One dark and one light haired head whipped around to stare at Pepper.  Tony’s Cheshire grin seemed to engulf his face it was so wide and Steve…if Bucky were there he would remind his friend to close his mouth before he caught some flies in it.  The redhead’s face softened and she stood from her desk chair and walked over to her husband.  Learning into his side, she slid her hand over his chest and smiled sadly at them both.

“She offered to stay so some of the security guards could go home and be with their families.”

Brow crinkling, Steve rubbed his chest over his heart trying to soothe the ache there.  He knew why she had volunteered because he had stepped quite heavily into that minefield about one month after Ari  had joined them.  

“So tell us about your family Aribella.”  Steve’s words had been intended to continue the warm atmosphere of the night but seemed to have the opposite effect as he watched her face change. A small, sad smile formed on her lips and she took a drink of the beer before speaking.  

“Um, there’s not much to tell.  I actually grew up in the foster system.”  Her head came up to meet Steve’s gaze and saw the look of apology there as he opened his mouth to speak.  “It’s ok.” The hand not holding her drink was stretched in his direction, palm towards him as if to stop what she knew came next.  She continued, her voice taking on a softer tone.  “It’s not like I go around introducing myself as an orphan.  Please don’t feel bad about it.”  

Sitting next to her on the couch, Sam reached over and laid his hand on her shoulder, giving it a squeeze.  

“You don’t have to offer anything you don’t want to.”  His quiet, soothing tone bringing a smile to her face.

“I don’t mind talking about it.  Just seems to bring the mood down when I do so I don’t tend to volunteer information unless it comes up.”

For the next hour or so the team had asked questions and Aribella answered them honestly, her instinct telling her that the information wouldn’t leave this group and that there would be no judgement of her upbringing.  While she was open, she left many details to herself that night.  Steve however, knew a bit more than his friends due to the late nights he and Aribella seemed to find themselves having.  

Being a super soldier Steve didn’t need a lot of sleep and often found himself restless in the early morning hours.  About a week after Ari’s revelation he found her on the balcony outside the kitchen, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders and a warm cup of tea held in her hands. She was staring blankly out onto the city and before he could consciously make the decision his feet carried him outside.

Despite obviously being tired, Ari greeted him with a warm smile and a raspy greeting.  That was the first of many talks they had shared with one another and over the next few months she opened up to Steve about her childhood.  It wasn’t always pleasant.  Six different foster families before she finally graduated high school and the last one’s…well they weren’t unhappy to see her go.  Just the money.  

Steve thanked whatever deity existed that she never suffered any abuse in her homes but his heart ached at the neglect she found.  Her first family was the most caring and the one she had for the longest.  They had desperately been trying for a child and decided to foster in the meantime.  Ari was just seven years old when she arrived at their house but it was filled with love and warmth.  

A couple of years after her arrival the wife finally became pregnant and Ari feared she would have to leave.  The couple reassured her they wanted her to stay but when the baby was born things changed. He was so sick and had so many issues they couldn’t manage both children.  To this day she remembered how heartbroken they were to have to send her back.

“Melinda was nearly inconsolable in her grief.  I remember, despite all the strain she was under, she was still so patient and kind to me.  It was just too much for them.  I don’t blame them at all.  In fact, I still keep in contact with them.”

Steve turned his head to study Ari’s face.  Anyone could hear the warmth and love in her voice for her first foster parents.  He also saw the glassiness of her eyes and the way her shoulders pulled in as if to protect herself.  

“How did their son fare, after you left?”  His quiet inquiry brought a genuine smile to her face, despite the tear that fell down her cheek.  

“Pretty healthy considering all the heart surgeries he’s had. Nathan is getting ready to graduate high school this year.”

The other families though…Steve had to remind himself that he could not go and visit them to give them a piece of his mind.  He was better than that, despite every bone in his body itching to do so.  Ari’s stories ranged from having to fix one of her foster family’s dinner every night, before she could do her homework or eat herself, to having to lock her door because she never knew if someone would try and take out their anger on her in their inebriated state.  She definitely considered herself lucky to have made it to 28 years and still be a relatively sane and mentally balanced individual.

If anything the stories had only endeared her to Steve even more.  He saw a young girl, alone with not much support, tough it out and make the best of her situation.  It wasn’t easy but he felt a sense of pride to hear how she had taken care of herself after graduating high school.  Signing up for SHIELD, finding a roommate and a place to live and working a part time job on the side.  On the few missions she had been on, most locally, he witnessed her kind and compassionate nature along with her ability to protect those around her.  Hell, he didn’t know anyone who didn’t like Ari.  

While she wasn’t as lithe and skilled as Natasha, she definitely knew how to defend herself and work with a team.  She had earned the respect of the Avengers for her brains and kindness along with her strong belief in hard work.  Steve wasn’t sure when his feelings for her had started to change but it had gotten to the point of distraction lately.  Possibly because they were all locked in together.

Her curves definitely did something for Steve as well, who had been caught by Bucky or Sam multiple times staring at their charge.  Sam would just smile that canary eating grin but Bucky would give him crap when they were alone.  

“Why the hell don’t you just ask her out, Punk.  For a coffee or something.  You know how much she likes her coffee.”

“She’s our teammate Buck.  I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.”

Bucky snorted and pushed Steve into the wall as they walked to the elevator.

“I’m relatively sure she wouldn’t complain ya big idiot. She’s almost as bad as you are with the puppy dog eyes.”

Those words had caused Steve to stop in the middle of the hall as he stared after the super soldier in disbelief.  The shit eating grin covering Bucky’s face barely registered as he waved his metal fingers in a  good bye gesture, the elevator doors closing and leaving Steve bewildered.

 Present Day

Rubbing his face roughly, Steve felt the stubble starting to grow and wondered how the hell he hadn’t realized he needed to shave in the last few days.  They’d been so busy working their asses off that basic hygiene seemed to suffer for everyone, not just himself.  Setting the tablet down he sat back in his chair and spun around to look out over the city.  It looked strange, even to someone who had viewed it before all the technology and millions of people came along.  

Streets were barren of cars and people, an odd one of both things here and there.  Many lights that were normally blindingly bright were dimmed or off completely giving the city a bit of an eerie feel.  He definitely didn’t like it but it meant that people were doing what they should me.  Staying home and staying safe.  

It was past dinner when Steve finally made his way towards the common room.  He had been so involved in the current information collected that he had lost track of time once again.  Meaning dinner was over and everyone was probably back in their rooms already.  Frowning, he clicked the tablet in his hands off and thought about what he needed to accomplish tonight.  

As he neared his destination a soothing guitar sound filled his ears and he lost all concentration when he rounded the corner.  Sitting on the ottoman was Ari.  Her acoustic guitar was perched on her left thigh, eyes closed and he could hear her humming quietly along with the tune she played.  It wouldn’t be the first time he had found her practicing in the big room, though usually Clint was here coaching her or singing while she played.

He grinned as he leaned against the wall and tried to quietly watch her.  She had her hair pulled back into a bun tonight, one of his favorites only because she couldn’t hide her face behind her hair.  Feet were bare, as usual, one leg tucked under the other as she sat up straight to play.  The tune was repetitive but the notes soothing with a mood he couldn’t quite put a finger on.  She made a few mistakes but plodded on and he watched as a proud tilt came to her lips.

“You’re getting better at that.”  He offered quietly, watching as she turned her head to gift him with a smile but continued playing.  A slight blush rose to her cheeks and he felt an ache in his chest at the sight.  Man, he had it bad.

“Thanks.  Though this is a pretty simple melody so I should be able to get it with as much as I’ve practiced.”  Her statement didn’t hold any negative feelings about her ability to play.  She had worked really hard on this song because it was one of her favorites and seemed to speak to her more than usual.

Smiling, he waited a few bars before he pushed off the wall and made his way to the chair a couple feet  in front of her and to her right.  He sat down heavily, leaning back into the cushion as he watched her fingers pluck out the notes gracefully.  Her eyes slid closed, her right foot tapping out a quiet pattern to the notes she played.

“What’s it called?”  

“Wonderwall.  It’s by an English band called Oasis.  It’s one of those songs that everybody knows and is usually sung by a lot of people.  Sometimes drunk.”

Steve laughed at her words and leaned forward resting his elbows on his thighs.  Their gazes locked for a moment before Ari looked down to hide what she was sure were her feelings written all over her face.  

“I’m almost afraid to ask, but what’s a Wonderwall?”  There was a brief silence before Friday’s voice made them both jump, though his eyes didn’t leave Ari’s form while the AI answered his question.

“According to Urban Dictionary, a Wonderwall is somebody you find yourself thinking about constantly, and you are completely infatuated with.  Writer of the song, Noel Gallagher told BBC Radio 2 in 2002 “ It’s a song about an imaginary friend who’s gonna come and save you from yourself.”

Quietly, he thanked the AI and processed the information. It was just a song.  It didn’t mean anything, right?  She said it was popular and it sounded relatively simple to play.  However, Ari still hadn’t looked up and his stomach did a funny turn.  She obviously picked it because it meant something to her. Ari didn’t do things just because. There was always meaning or a reason for something.  Steeling himself for what could possibly be a mistake, he took a deep breath and gathered his courage.

“Will you sing it for me?” Steve’s soft request caused her head to shoot up and the air to catch in her throat.  Soft blue eyes met hers and she saw the compassion and genuine interest in them along with something else she couldn’t quite place.  Swallowing heavily, she nodded and cleared her throat willing her nerves to go away.  Fingers strummed nervously over the strings before she took a deep breath and started to play.

Today is gonna be the day That they're gonna throw it back to you By now you should've somehow Realized what you gotta do I don't believe that anybody Feels the way I do, about you now

Backbeat, the word was on the street That the fire in your heart is out I'm sure you've heard it all before But you never really had a doubt I don't believe that anybody Feels the way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding And all the lights that lead us there are blinding There are many things that I Would like to say to you but I don't know how

Because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me And after all, you're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day But they'll never throw it back to you By now you should've somehow Realized what you're not to do I don't believe that anybody Feels the way I do, about you now

And all the roads that lead you there are winding And all the lights that light the way are blinding There are many things that I Would like to say to you but I don't know how

I said maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me And after all, you're my wonderwall

I said maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me And after all, you're my wonderwall

I said maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me you're gonna be the one that saves me you're gonna be the one that saves me

It was comfortably silent in the room as she strummed the last few notes and Steve could see her fingers shaking against the strings.  Slowly, he reached over and wrapped his fingers around the neck of the guitar and pulled it gently away from her.  Ari’s eyes shot open and met his, a gentle smile coming to his lips at the vulnerability he saw.  Steve didn’t break eye contact as he set the instrument down to his left and slid to the floor on his knees.  His hands rested on the padded surface beside her thighs, not touching but ready to move in an instant if he felt any sort of alarm or resistance from the beautiful woman in front of him.  

He brought his hands up to cup her face, resting them gently on either side as if he held the most precious thing in the world.  Her pulse raced under his hands and he smiled, his thumbs feathering back and forth over her cheeks.

“Breathe sweetheart. I’m not sure I can handle it if you pass out on me.”  Ari gave a wavering laugh at his levity and took a deep breath, her eyes closing as he held her.  She felt his breath wash across her lips before he lightly skimmed his mouth across hers.  

First kisses were always special, at least hers had been.  This one though, was soft, sweet and short circuited her brain.  Every pass of his soft lips on hers, he increased the pressure slightly, sending her heart flying.  Her hands came up to rest on his forearms earning a hum from the sweet man who was kneeling in front of her.  

Ari’s lips parted and Steve wasted no time deepening the kiss.  He was still gentle, but his tongue slid across her lips then dipped inside to find hers.  One of his hands left her face to wrap around her hip as he pulled his body into hers, chest to chest, and tilted his head to gain better access.  

Neither knew how long they became lost in one another but finally the urge to breathe won out and Steve pulled back.  Resting his forehead against hers they both fought to catch some air, hearts racing in their chests.  Both remained silent, Steve’s eyes sliding open as he pulled back from her.  When she finally met his gaze he smiled, his thumb rubbing over her cheek softly.

“Since you haven’t decked me yet I’m assuming that was ok.”

Throwing her head back, Ari let out a belly laugh at his words.  Steve’s grin deepened as the sound of her happiness made the pace of his heart pick up again.  Her hazel eyes met his as they crinkled with her humor and she leaned forward to place a kiss to his lips.  

“It was more than ok. It was wonderful.”  

“It’s about damn time.” The baritone voice from the hallway surprised them, causing Ari to yelp and move quickly towards Steve. Unprepared for both their audience and Ari’s reaction, Steve lost his balance and wrapped his arms around her waist as he tumbled backwards with an oomph.  

Neither one of them heard footsteps but suddenly Bucky’s dark head was over them, hands on his thighs as he grinned in their direction.  

“How long have you been there?”  Steve asked confused, still trying to wrap his brain around what just happened.  

“Don’t worry.  I wasn’t spying on you two.  I came to get a drink and well, you didn’t notice because you were slobbering all over each other.”  

“Buck!”  Steve admonished his friend while Ari hid her face in his chest and laughed.  

“I didn’t say there was anything wrong with it.  I’m glad you two finally figured it the fuck out.  It was exhausting and frankly nauseating watching you two make eyes at each other.”  Bucky’s words might have been harsh but the smile on his face spoke volumes.  He was genuinely happy for his friends and glad he was the one that caught them, not Tony or one of the others.  “Imma go get my drink and leave you kids alone.”  With a salacious wiggle of his brows, Bucky turned to go into the kitchen while Ari and Steve stayed right where they were.  

Steve felt contentment wash over him, as Ari’s palm rested on his chest and her head settled on his shoulder.  He reached up to wrap her hand in his and felt sure that the smile on his face was going to be permanent.  The smile was gone with Bucky’s next words.

“You two might want to skedaddle in case one of the others come in here.  They won’t be quite so nice about finding you two in a compromising position as I am.”  As he was leaving the room he heard Steve’s snort and Ari’s giggle and found himself smiling almost as big as Steve had been just moments before.  It was good to see his friends happy, now he had to go and find Sam to tell him the good news.

 Thanks for reading!  

[taeyangdyb]

Still Holding On part 1 (S.H.O)

In the first few years of our marriage, we found ourselves in many circumstances. we had good moments and some not so good ones. Despite everything, she still stands behind me, taking my side even when I'm wrong and she's hurt. 

  I turned 40 two years ago, Jaeha threw me a surprise party fits for a king, literally. It's really one for the book. She went back to work in her office, once the kids turned two years old. I knew I married a superwoman from the start, but I didn't know that she would be that amazing. She raises the bar higher and higher. She watches the kids in her office. At first, when she said that I thought to myself that she was joking, but every morning she wakes up to go to work, she takes them with her.

Our relationship? still feel different. right now, it's more like I love her, but she likes me. everyone else? pretty good, now the whole click has kids, no one has time for the excessive clubbing anymore. Byul's first, Jaeha second, Ailee third, Yori fourth, Jimin fifth, Mark sixth, Eric seventh, and Joon who is the oldest is the last one to have a baby.

I have so much to look forward to this year, Jae's turning 35, our kids’ third birthday. The past 3 years Jae's been focusing on the kids' parties, but only have dinners, so I'm gonna throw her a party, well I'm gonna try.

Simon: Hey you going home?

Jay: No, I have to pick up the kids from Jae's parents.

Simon: working late again?

Jay: Yeah.

Simon: Okay, I'll see you later

Jay: alright

My relationship with the kids got better, Mom is still their favorite, especially momma's boy Hoon. 

*hours later*

“READ MORE”

After picking the kids up, I take them home to shower and put them to bed. well, that's the plan I had, but the drive from their grandparents to our house is an hour away, they fell asleep and wake up as we get home. My new plan is to let them run around, get them tired and then shower. 

* later*

Well, the second plan works, who need to work out when you have to chase 3 three years old. 

*two hours later*

Jae: hey

Jay: Hi, how was work?

Jae: if I have to sit in one more two-hour business meeting with a bunch of old people who are drinking coffee, I'll throw myself out of the building.

Jay: *LOL*

Jae: that's not funny you know how much I hate the smell of coffee. how was your day?

Jay: meh, better than being stuck in a room with old men smelling coffee

Jae: how were the little angels?

Jay: Angels? good, they fell asleep on the way here. so I let them run around for a few hours and then shower them.

Jae: that's a good way to do it.

Jay: you want me to get you something?

Jae: no thank you, I’m tired I just wanna sleep, I'm off tomorrow I'm going to sleep all day.

right, I doubt that's gonna happen.

Jaeha took a shower and within minutes, she passed out. 

*next morning*

It's actually 9 am and she's still sleeping. Normally she'd be up by now, but I guess even Wonder Woman has a limit. well time to go check on the minions.

right now they're all sleeping in one room, but due to the house being so big, and to them being too active, their door is blocked until someone lets them out. As expected they're up and ready to destroy things. 

At this point, I'm used to them, their allergies and such. Jaehoon likes me but loves his mom. After breakfast, they shower and time to go outside. yes, I mean outside, with all this technology we try to keep them as far away from them as possible. They are not allowed to watch T.V for more than an hour and a half. I know they're young, but it's better to start now. keep them active instead of being glued in front of the T.V, Tablet, or computer. they have enough place to run around, they love being in the studio, so even better.

They run around for two straight hours, where do they get their energy from?  I know they're 3 but damn. 

*hours later*

After the running around for most, I take them back inside for lunch. Jaeha hasn't woken up yet. I should go check on her.

*in bedroom*

Jay: babe? *sits on the bed next to her*

Jae: ...

Jay: Honey are you okay? *pushes her hair out of the way*

Jae: *puts her head on his lap*

Jay: Jaejae, I know you love your job, but you have to take it easy

Jae: I know, I should get up and check on the kids

Jay: the kids are fine, they're having lunch right now.

Jae: what about you?

 Jay: don't worry about me. You need to get up, take a shower

Jae: my body hurts

Jay: Okay, just brush your teeth, I'll bring you lunch in here and later I'll give you a massage.

Jae: Can I get the message first? 

Jae: no princess.

We had a good night just talking and relaxing, things we barely have time for anymore.

*Next day*

*Jae's views*

I have so much to do today, yet I'm just sitting here in defeat. I give up after diapers.

Jae: you guys planning on getting dress today?

Hee: no

Jae: Jaehee you say no?

Hee: no, mommy no 

Jae: okay fine. I'm going to leave you all here.

Hoon: no *follows her* 

 Jae: you guys don't wanna get dress, stay here with your dad.

We left the house after an hour and finally made it.

Byul: How do you manage to still look that good?

Jae: good luck to all of you who wants more kids

Jimin: honestly I don't know how you do it? 

Jae: it took them an hour to decide whether they want to put clothes on or not. I think They're at the age to start doing activities

Yori: huh? aren't they too young?

Jae: They have to start early

Ailee: so what are you thinking?

Byul: What about your husband, what did he say?

Ailee: what can he say?

I want my kids to have that somewhat normal life, interacting with other kids other than just my friends' kids. I want to be that soccer or that dance mom, coming from the office drop the kids off to their after-school activities.

Jae: besides, My dad is retired he needs something to do besides playing golf and smoking cigars.

Ailee: speaking of which, how's your relationship with your mom?

Jae: nothing changed, she likes to give advice like, lady you have not raised a kid or anything your life, besides her dog and that little thing, has no manners. I don't even trust her to watch them.

Ailee: some people change with age, but I can't say the same for your mom.

Yori: what are you doing for the party?

Jae: I'm still thinking

Yori: your kids are already picky

Ailee: and they're all different, which is weird

Yori: you think they'll follow your business side?

Jae: I think it's a little too soon to tell, But Jaehee loves music 

Jimin: music business?

Jae: I don't want to imagine it

Yori: By the way, Jae

Jae: what?

Yori: don't you find it difficult calling all three of their full names or telling them apart?

Ailee: yeah, I mean it's not like you can call them "Jae" you have Jaebum, Jaehoon, Jaehee, Jaehin, and your name is Jaeha 

Jimin: how do you even call them? 

Jae: they're my kids, I can always tell who's who. 

Byul: Am I the only one feeling guilty?

Yori: about what?

Byul: the other girls not being here?

Jimin: I'm not

Ailee: not

Yori: no

Byul: what? Jaeha?

Jae: they don't seem like they're interested in getting along with us unless the guys are there

Byul: I still feel guilty

Jae: if you feel so guilty, call them

*all eyes on Byul*

Byul: I don't have any of their numbers

As close as we are, we ended up separated into two groups. Eric, Mark, and Joon's wife versus the rest of us. Mark dated my friend for a bit and then married another girl he had recently met, so we don't really connect with Joon, Eric, and Mark's wife at all.

Byul:*phone rings* Gray

Jimin: don't tell him we're having lunch

Byul: I can't lie to him

Yori: you're not lying, just don't tell him you're having lunch with us. 

Byul: hello

Gray: Hey, what you up to?

Byul: uhh, just chilling you

Gray: you want to go out tonight

Byul: out where?

Gray: I got invited to do a club performance I want you to go with me

Byul: who else is going what about-

Gray: My mom's watching her, I know you take ages to get ready I'm letting you know now, I can't be late

Byul: okay *hangs up* 

Jae: what?

Byul: I guess I'm going out tonight

Jimin: must be nice

Byul: you guys are not coming?

Jae: I can't

Byul: so I'm going to be alone

Yori: I'll go with you? 

Byul: really? 

Yori: yeah

We had our lunch and go home. We try to hang out as much as we can whenever we have the time since we have more responsibilities now. 

*two weeks later* 

*Jay's views*

The last time I was talking to the guys, and it seems like there's a little bit of tension going on between Jae's friends and the other girls. Whenever they have their "women outings" it's just the five of them the other three are never included. 

This click is so tight, I get how difficult it would be for anyone to fit in, but it's been a couple of years now, and it seems like there's no progress.. at all. 

Gray: I think we need to make them spend a weekend together

Jay: Uhm yeah things are just starting to get better between Jaeha and me I'm not going to mess it up.

Simon: My wife doesn't think before she opens her mouth

Loco: that's a recipe for disaster 

Gray: you never know

Simon: besides how are you going to get them to agree?

Gray: I'll try to convince Byul, and get her to make get Jaeha to agree. There's a four days weekend coming up in a few weeks, get them together to plan something.

Jay: good luck 

*days later*

Eric: it's been a while

Joon: I know right

Rin: where's everyone else?

Naya: probably putting on makeup 

 Sam:*laughs*

Mark:*sigh* 

Sam: what? 

Jay: sorry I'm late

Eric: it's fine we haven't been here for a while  

Simon: what's up?

*everyone greets each other* 

Yori: where's Jaejae?

Byul: I haven't seen her since last week.

Jay: she'll be here, she had a meeting *looks at his watch* She should be here soon. 

Jimin: how old is this place? who's idea was it? The A.C is not even working.

Simon: *sigh* 

Yori: what's with the decor? 

Ailee: I feel like I'm on set of a horror movie

Rin: I picked this place, I thought it'd be a good change of scenery. 

Jimin: *mumbles* well that explains a lot 

Yori:*chuckles* 

This is going to be a disaster if anything goes wrong all on Gray.

In the first few years of our marriage, we found ourselves in many circumstances. we had good moments and some not so good ones. Despite everything, she still stands behind me, taking my side even when I'm wrong and she's hurt. 

[folerdetdufoler]

like my first trip to oslo, this one started with an impulse purchase of tickets: a performance of snøfall on november 30th. i didn’t have a flight or a place to stay or any kind of plan really, just the fact that i had to be at the theatre with haidee & nadège at 18:00 on friday. i knew they would be in oslo then because they were planning on going to the fan convention, so i guess there was that. i had also chatted with jenn and knew she was going too, and for a few days there were a flurry of messages and excitement. and then i stopped thinking about it.

which is how i, an adult, deal with things that stress me out. at some point i bought a plane ticket, and booked a hotel room, and bought a concert ticket for saturday, and talked to some more people about it, but i still managed to be wildly unprepared by the time wednesday rolled around. i managed to find my passport that morning and pull my suitcase down from the attic, but i was still in my pajamas trying to finish the last chapter of my fic by the time it hit 15, when i was supposed to leave for the airport. i threw a vague number of outfits into that suitcase and got out of the house before my ride (my brother) got too pissed off, but i was super stressed out and disappointed in myself before we hit the highway.

i had left so much behind: my fic on my computer, my gifts for haidee and nadege, the glucose tablets i bought specifically for the trip, half of my toiletries...and on top of that i was about to head into airport security with a new pump and cgm attached to me. i honestly was not sure if i was going to actually get on a plane that evening. i stood in line, sweating through my pajamas, dying to anxiety-tweet through the whole thing except i didn’t want anyone to know i was at the airport in case i didn’t make it out. on top of everything i’d managed to forget/give up on before leaving the house, i didn’t want to fail yet another thing.

i didn’t, obviously. it was stressful as hell, because i had to send my bag, phone, passport, everything through the x-ray scanner and wait for someone to escort me through for a physical exam. i stood in the middle of the room for what felt like hours (it was not hours) watching as people swirled around my entire identity at the end of a conveyor belt, out of reach, knowing that even if i saw someone lift my shit i couldn’t yell or run to intervene because i was surrounded by tsa agents just waiting to body slam the girl with a small black box attached to her to the ground. i felt like a threat even though i wasn’t. i had foolishly sent my only glucose tablets through the machine with my bag so if i happened to go low while waiting, turning into a sweating, shaking, suspicious mess, i wouldn’t be able to save myself or prove my medical needs because, lol, my medical ID was in my bag too. ugh. scratch that, i was a threat to myself.

i made it through. an agent finally helped me through and did my exam. my pump was deemed not an explosive device and no one stole my passport. i even had enough time to change my sensor in the bathroom before boarding. this, of course, should have been done at home in a sanitary environment and not immediately before ascending 30,000 feet above the earth but i think we’ve established how shit i am at planning so...moving on.

the flight was great. i had an empty seat next to me. we were delayed about an hour taking off, but that just gave me time to text with lizzie, who was also at the airport then but on a different flight to oslo. i had missed her in my tsa daze but it was a fun realization that right then there was a tiny migration happening to oslo, a bunch of fans starting their journeys all around the world and getting excited. my sensor warmed up and functioned like a dream the whole flight, and i finally felt like i could breathe again by the time we’d landed at gardermoen.

at the airport i bought most of the things i had forgotten (a bitch needs tweezers, okay?) and zipped over to the hotel. they were super busy so i couldn’t check in, but i dropped off my suitcase and went to meet up with jasmine and silvia. god it was so nice to see jasmine again, that amazing norwegian ambassador. it’s so wonderful, just in general, being able to hug a person who is part of your life every day. i wouldn’t say we talk directly, but a day doesn’t go by where i don’t read her tweets and like, have this awareness of her life in my own, so on the one hand it’s like oh my god i haven’t seen you since the beginning of the summer and on the other hand i was just talking to you so uh, has anything new happened in the last hour? anyway, we hugged, i screamed, the usual, and then we found silvia, and after that hugging mission was complete it was on to the lunch mission!

the first photo i took on norwegian soil was the bar was passed: angst. this was where the book release party was held just the week before and i took a photo to capture my missed opportunity. i forget where we actually ended up for lunch but we ate and jasmine handed off the elle magazine i’d asked her to pick up for me and we talked about the fandom and the show and just...life in norway in general. as i spend more time there and talk to more people who live there, i’m convincing myself that i would like to try finding a job and staying for a while. i understand that all of my experiences thus far have been terribly positive because they’ve basically been vacations, with no basis for a regular lifestyle, but it still feels like the day-to-day reality wouldn’t be so scary either. check back in 2025 to see if i’ve made any progress on that.

after lunch we walked around with no real purpose. i wanted to go to the new h&m that had just opened that morning to see what the fuss was about with the collection that henrik & lea had modeled for. the store was pretty big but there was zero fuss. we stayed on karl johans, visiting the bookstore and wandering through the christmas market. then silvia had to leave so we said goodbye. in the spirit of a 220-lb. woman who barely has any social skills, i managed to hug silvia and lift her off the ground without realizing, so Io chiedo sinceramente scusa. it was a weird note to end on but up until that point it was just so nice being able to hang out with someone you’ve never met but instantly get. girl, you’re fabulous. vi ses snart.

the only other thing i had on my agenda was to visit the publisher to pick up my script books. it was a mini-nightmare getting into their office, which i wouldn’t have been able to do without jasmine’s help, but we managed to figure out how doors work and got to chat with someone. it turns out my books were still at the bar, so they promised to send them over to the hotel once they could get them back. they also told us about the book signing at tanum the following weekend, which was nice. i was bummed that i had managed to miss both the release party and the book signing but at least we had the information and could share it with the fandom.

then it was back to the hotel, where i could properly check in. i was greeted with a bathrobe with my name embroidered on it, which made me laugh. jasmine and i didn’t have any further plans so we decided to go find dinner and walk around some more. we took the elevator down (duh) and walked to johnny rockets for some milkshakes, which was fun. despite it being an american restaurant, i’ve never been, so it felt like i was being a tourist in my hometown. when i couldn’t give our waiter a fun fact about new jersey for him to entertain us with, he just gave up and drew a snowman in ketchup. not for his lack of trying though, it’s just that i live in the armpit of the united states and i don’t think that’s easy to illustrate in condiments. after dinner we went to find akrobaten bridge, which was on my list of sights to see even though it was only in the show for exactly six seconds in a couple of transition shots. no moment from season three is too small in my mind.

after that i think it was still pretty early but a bitch was done. i didn’t sleep much on the flight or the night before, so i was running on empty and literally fell asleep in front of jasmine at the hotel. i sent her off on her train after a more appropriate hug and the general idea that i’ll see her again. it didn’t happen that weekend but that was okay, because earlier that month i impulse-bought another ticket, so i knew i’d be back next year.

it’s just never enough, is it?

[tesskeats]

Comfort

I’m finding some comfort in read a friend of a friends Instagram. At 2:20am in the morning because my son is teething and can’t sleep. There for I can’t sleep. 😊🤣🤷‍♀️

This girl lets call her Sara, is living the dream life, my dream life for myself.

I believe she’s about 23 years old, living in Japan and has gone to a Japanese/English university and graduated with her Bach of arts degree. She has many friends English and Japanese, picked out her graduation clothes which turned out to be traditional Japanese wear, Japanese boyfriend, and now she’s going to find a job back home in America to be closer to her family.

The regret and mistakes I’ve made in life. Here is how my life turned out after graduation of high school.

2005-2011 what is like to call the fuzzy years. I broke up with Will, my half Japanese first love of my life for a guy who I became friends with at an arcade and lived near me. Because it was easier at the time than the long distance. Boy was I severely mistaken. I would never have known that this boy... Will... I would still be trying to look for his love and him for over 10+ years in every relationship. I never should have left him. Because it started a chain reaction of events where people would hurt me and abuse me. The boy I dated instead of Will, Taylor, cheated on me. Then I started dating women again. Also cheated on me. Then I found Melissa. Short lived, short loved, but so intense at the time for me and pivotal in my sexual identity. I had never loved a woman that much.

So from Melissa to about 2011 I dated/ slept with quite a few women. Couldn’t really find the one or didn’t care to due to being so fucked up. Gained a lot of weight. During this time I went to a community college and struggled so much due to bad education from an alternative school which mentally was the best choice for me at the time. I ended up getting kicked out temporarily from that community college due to plagiarism, which I truly believed how you wrote a research paper was rewarding bits and pieces from different websites and books.. and make it fit. My freshman comp 1 teacher failed me on my last paper, and I would have passed. I had to write a letter pleading back into university. It was embarrassing but I grew from it. Back to relationships. So I never graduated from the community college but I took up to Japanese 4 mainly to speak to my boyfriend but ex at the time.... I didn’t succeed past that or want to try since we weren’t together. Another future opportunity gone. During that time I worked at a home daycare. So I had decided I wanted to be a massage therapist on a cruise. So I jumped into massage school 2010, graduated and couldn’t find a cruise job. Gained up to 256 and went to another university for graphic design. Where was my life even going? I just kept jumping to jumping from situation not ever really thinking it through or understanding what’s going on. Still to this day my life would be much happier and simpler if I had just stayed with Will. Sigh. So I meet Ashley when I start graphic design university and she is my perfect new better Will, but a woman. And like I said perfect. 💗 I couldn’t have imagined to meet someone with a similar personality, make me laugh, perfect. But we got comfortable. And I’m not sure what happened specifically. Other than, she said at the end I never protected myself. And when we broke up, I didn’t have a fall out plan. Which seems to be a pattern in my life. Like I’m not mature or wise enough to have a back up plan or think ahead. I was heart broken when I left my perfect job in Oklahoma to move us to Colorado only to find 6 months later... she would break up with me and I’d have to restart all over again. Honestly it was the most civil and best break up you could have. Still to this day (even though we do not talk, she’s married, and I wish her the best happiness ever), best relationship I ever had. And I took it for granted and somewhere along the way messed up. Like all these awful people in my life messed up on me. And I did it to her. I carry such heavy weight on how I handled everything with her. it’s hard to let go and not over analyze every minute detail of WHAT DID I DO WRONG? Why am I not enough.

Fast forward 2015-2019. I had the worst relationship with a person I didn’t think you could have. And I was sooooooo Soooo SOOOOOOO completely beer goggles and blinded by the multiple multiple cheating. And I thought, hey if he loves me enough to have a child with me, that surpasses it all. Not with narcissistic sociopaths. They have no guilt, only shame. And shame because how everyone else views them. I have a 2 year old son. He has not seen his dad in almost 3 weeks, and he lives 5 minutes away and is unemployed like myself. It breaks my heart. He had him for 18 hours almost 3 weeks ago, and he asked me to come get him bc he kept saying momma, momma, momma. Fast forward to today. Not only does he have a new gf he cheated on me with, but one he’s known for 4 weeks, lives in Alaska, and is a stranger. He told me they’re just friends. Then it’s just the game. Then when I found I LOVE YOU TEXTS, it’s just how they talk bc or the game. And now 2.5 weeks after we break up. She’s in secret living there. I predicted this would happen, I predicted she would move in, however, I did not predict it would happen so fucking soon and he would try to HIDE IT FROM ME. Well shit is going down.

How is this my life? From a simple romance and true love with Will. To fighting for my mental sanity and son. Unemployed, single mother, living with her mom at 32.

I am truly afraid this, is going to kill me. It’s so much pressure on my organs and heart because i cannot handle the stress and pain of it all. I will give my son everything and my life for him to be with me. Taking care of him gives me such intense selfish joy, I cannot imagine my life without him. I’m filled with love, pride, and excitement to watch him grow and learn and be the boy he is becoming. When I look at his face, I see his father so clearly and part of me wants to cry and throw up, but I remind myself... if you give him all the love...teach him from right and wrong...show him how to truly care and love someone.. he won’t turn out to be his father. He won’t hurt women like his dad hurt me and so many others in his past. No in person should ever have to be in the situation I am in. The pain. The physical, mental and emotional pain. I thought I had anxiety and depression before... this is such another level.

With my anxiety and depression so heightened I’m worried I will die soon. My body and organs can’t take enough of the stress and mental damage that’s been afflicted on me. And My son will be forever with his father and new family. And even though, if I do die, l won’t be able to find out how he turns out. Which is the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Because I’ll be gone. And I won’t be able to see how he lives and grows up. So I want to write a short letter to my son.

~~~

Dear Noy,

Today is April 11, 2019 2:47am. You just turned two a few weeks ago and mommy is so proud of you. You’re learning to put your shoes on, and even try to say more words! You can whisper shoes, blue, show, and even car. You can clearly say; momma, dada, mmm, bubble, baba, car, duck, meow, woof, roar,mum mum. Right now I think that’s about it. I started you on almond milk recently because you had a tummy ache for a while and you love it. You also really love mango juice and frozen pineapples. :) we recently went and had ice cream together and you got a vanilla cone and shared with mommy. Mommy loves all these fun special times and moments with you. Especially bath time. Playing in the water and singing abcs and “swimming swimming swimming in the sea that mean old shark will never catch me” and you will flop on your tummy and swim away when I sing that lol. You love bubbles and colored tablets in your bath and to splash around. When you get hurt or sad you cry for momma. And lift your arms up and say “ohhh 🥺😩😢🥺” because you want me to hold you and it’s the most precious and amazing feeling ever. It makes mommy’s heart and head and everything so happy and loved and wanted. You’re my angel and my true version of happiness and fullfillment. I’m so honored and lucky to have you in my life Noy. You’re such a good boy. Mommy loves you! So so much! 💗💋 I hope that someday I can read you this letter and tell you how much you’ve changed and grown into a young man. See you go to elementary school and high school graduation. But baby if I don’t, and I for some reason leave you too soon. It doesn’t mean I didn’t do anything and everything in my power to love and provide the very best for you. I am not a perfect person, but I know I love you. So be strong, remember all these little memories I shared with you. And remember to treat everyone with kindness, do not hurt a lady because it can truly hurt her forever like it has with mommy, and plan for your dreams. You can do anything you want. Don’t settle. And love your family with all your heart. I love you Noy. XOXOXOX, Mommy

It’s officially 3am and I have to get up at 7am to do some things. 2pm is when everything is getting into motion. And going down. Please universe spare me the drama and heart ache. Let this be easy and smooth. Let me handle things with grace. Let me live and not die.

[spinachdrum]

Day 4 - Myeongdong!

Hi guys welcome back to my channel!

Today was super fun!! It started off kind of rough (I started my period like right away this morning when I woke up, so 🙃) but luckily Nichole came STRAPPED with 800mg ibuprofen tablets. Seriously, I take ibuprofen on my period like candy; I’m sure that’s terrible for my body and I’m sure my liver is a shriveled up raisin but hey, better than having cramps.

Anyway, a lot of places in Myeongdong don’t open until a little later in the morning, like maybe 1pm or so? So we lazed around for most of the morning (which was nice for me because period pains knock me on my ass @__@). But finally we got up and got ready and headed out! 

Seriously, there’s something about the subway in Korea that I just love so, so much. I can’t explain it. I love the stations (hate the stairs, lol), I love that cold breeze that blows down the steps in the winter time, I love the noise, I love that feeling of satisfaction when I figure out the path and don’t get lost. It’s strange and I know a lot of people don’t like the subway but it was honestly one of the things I was so looking forward to coming back to. Excuse my love poem to the Korean subway, LOL.

So first, when you get into Myeongdong station, finding the underground mall is super easy cause it’s like, right in front of your face. LIKE BAM. There’s a lot of clothing stores, some teeny tiny restaurants, some souvenier shops, and of course there’s a few k-pop stores! This is where I usually go to buy things I don’t have, like some older releases, although they have new releases too! This is where I bought Arrival when it came out while I was here in 2017. 

Of course I didn’t take any photos in the mall because my eyes were falling out of my head at all the GOT7 things I could buy that I didn’t have, lol. But I made the smart decision of not buying all of that stuff until we were on our way back so I didn’t have to carry it. 

We came out of exit six, which will put you right near an entrance and right by the giant Nature Republican that is really recognizable since it’s got the greenery on the walls and is on the corner. It’s a good starter point and a rendezvous point of sorts since there’s lots of streets to walk down so it’s a good way to remember where you started. 

Or first stop: ARTBOX. I love ARTBOX. [chipotle is my life vine voice]. I love ARTBOX, ARTBOX is my life.

This ARTBOX in Myeongdong is three stories! THREE! THREE STORIES!!!!!! 

Seriously there is literally everything you could possibly need in this damn ARTBOX. Need school supplies? ARTBOX. Need bathroom decorations? ARTBOX. Need a wireless keyboard? ARTBOX. HOTEL???? TRIVAGO!!! 

Like I could honestly write a love song to ARTBOX. Instead, you can have this photo dump of the inside of the store!! 

The first floor is mostly stationary and beauty stuff! Like seriously there is the BIGGEST sticker collection here!! Stickers as far as the eye can see. I bought like... 5? Packs of stickers? Just because they have sooo many cute ones! They have a lot of really cute stationary sets and birthday cards. 

Even the elevator is cute!! We decided to take the elevator to the top floor and then walk back down through the other floors to see everything! 

I don’t know how good this will look on Tumblr but here’s a panorama shot of the second floor! This was mostly electronics and stuff but still there’s SO much cute stuff to look at!! They had wireless keyboards that were sooo cute and I was really tempted to get one but since I’m lazy I almost never sit at my desktop computer and am always performing some contortionist act on my bed with my laptop, lol.

There are so many little cute places to take pictures in here, too! This was on the third floor. Also, personal sidenote, but I literally LOATHE having my picture taken since I hate how I look... but I don’t have any photos of me from my first trip in Korea and I really wanted to change that this time around. It’s so hard to get over and I am still anxious about posting these kinds of photos of myself where I can’t control the angle but it really does make me happy to see myself in these places and to have this memory of being there, so it’s progress, I think.

Okay, dumb personal thing over. MORE PICTURES OF ARTBOX YAAAAY

PLUSHIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Top floor! Lots of stationary and luggage up here.

The cutest decorations! 

CAPSULE MACHINESSSSS. I got an Adventure Time watch that you can’t change the time on, LOL. It just said 12:00 on it and I haven’t figured out how to change the time yet, but it’s of Tree Trunks and it’s cute so I ain’t even mad.

After we left ARTBOX (and I bought 944e9934985 stickers and a singular $6 pencil (but it’s PENTEL and it’s super fucking nice and no one is even going to breathe on that pencil if they aren’t me) we went to the LINE Friends store!! I had serious tunnel vision for ARTBOX and ended up walking right by it when we first arrived, but we doubled back and went to it. It was nice going during the week and kind of early because there was ZERO line for taking a picture with the giant bear!! 

Stupid cute. Love it. 

This was so cute!! There was a fucking SHITLOAD of BT21 stuff here, the whole top floor was BT21. It honestly made me wish I was into BTS cause they were so cute, lol. They did have some ugly ass shoes though and now I wish I had taken a picture of them because one pair was like....HAIRY.

The whole wall of the stairs was made of this and it was sooo pretty! 

Brown’s room!! I could have pet that bear all day, tbh. So soft.

After we left the LINE Friends store, we just walked around for a little bit! We went to go eat first, and we went to this place called Golden Farm and I had sundubu jjigae and ugh, so good.

We hit a lot of the beauty stores but I didn’t buy much (except at Etude House a little later), since there was honestly just... SO MUCH TO LOOK AT. I want to buy everything I look at but I’m really wary about buying skincare stuff without trying it, because I’m anxious about breaking out :( I found the Soojung line and I really wanted to try it but I am trepidatious about branching out without being able to try first. 

I also didn’t take a ton of pictures on the street or in the beauty stores but mostly because the employees were standing UP my ASS. I’m not mad about it, of course, but it was a little weird at times because I just wanted to look at stuff and they’d be standing at my elbow like 👀. But when we did go to Etude House later, I ended up buying the Peach Farm Play Color Eyes palette, a pretty liquid eyeshadow, a lip tint, and a mascara! 

I didn’t get a picture of this or a video and I’m so mad about it becaues it was so funny. But there was a guy in this really janky dog costume that was advertising for a dog cafe (!!!!!!) and he was being SO WEIRD!! He was doing this really weird thing with his legs and I started laughing so he high fived me and handed me a flier, LOL. And then he walked right behind me for a little bit until it was obvious I was not going to the cafe. Sorry manpup!! 

I wish we had stayed just a tiny bit later since as we were walking back a ton of the street food vendors were starting to pack up. However there was this one cart right outside exit 6 where we came out that had a few things like cheese on a stick, sausage and rice cake, sausage and cheese in bread (so basically a corndog with cheese lol) and even MANDU!!! So we stopped for a snack and omg honestly it was soooo good. There’s nothing like Korean streetfood! 

We went back down into the station and that’s when I bought all the GOT7 things I wanted to buy earlier. RIP my wallet. 

Gazing at my bags in shame. SHAME. That DAISO bag actually has an ass load of snacks in it for part of one of my classes! 

My flat lay of shame.

Coming back was crazy since it was starting to be rush hour. Omg the stations were SO busy it was insane. We only had to transfer one line but one of the trains was sooooo full that we decided to hang back and wait for the next one--this lady leapt in right as the doors were closing and they almost closed on her leg!!! Also, this little tiny old lady in front of me when we were walking up the stairs was trying to pull a wheeled cart up the stairs behind her, so I lifted up the back of it and helped her carry it up the stairs. Her smile when she turned to thank me was soooo sweet. ♥️

The sun going down through the window. The pollution was really bad but it was still oddly pretty..

Our classmate Gaby is actually here, too! She came for Spring Break to visit her boyfriend, but he had to go to his academy tonight so we made plans to hang out and get dinner. Originally we were going to Hongdae but she wasn’t going to be free until later like 8pm and I was so tired (my period is soooo draining, it sucks) so we agreed to hang out at our AIRBNB instead! And honestly, I’m so glad we did. When she got here she suggested we try this place called Pizza School that she loved a lot while she lived here and omg, she was right. It was soooo good! 

So we ate and we sat around and talked and laughed and joked around! It was so nice, I love her and it was such a fun bonding experience to get to know her a little better! I love my friends and I love even more that we got to hang out here together. It was such a nice way to end the day, so relaxing and sooo much fun. ♥️

Until next time, y’all! 

♥️

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #154

“the wind is screaming, it’s screaming your name; it sounds like fear.”

What is your opinion on sex without emotional commitment?  nononononoNONONONO. Last time you puked from drinking?  Never. What books, if any, have made you cry?  Johnny Got His Gun, Old Yeller, The Outsiders (I think; I know the movie did), The Notebook, uhhh others, I'm sure. Does it get annoying when somebody says they’ll call you, but doesn’t?  It depends on the person, but honestly, almost never.  I hate talking on the phone. What is your favorite simple ice-cream flavor?  Usually vanilla, but sometimes I'm all about chocolate, especially if I can't put chocolate syrup on it. When was the last time you slept on the floor?  Jeez, probably when me and Jason did at my house.  I've slept on an inflatable mattress since, but I'm guessing you mean literally on the floor with blankets and such. If you could eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?  I dunno.  I doubt it really, but don't potatoes have all the nutrients you actually need to survive?  If so, then probably that, but otherwise, uh.  I dunno, I'd get tired of things or die 'cuz I'm not getting what I need. I could say shakes, but I consider those drinks. Have you ever given someone oral sex?  Yeah, fucking hated it.  I'm bi, yes, but visually, penises are disgusting to me.  I don't want it in my mouth.  I only ever really did it to make him happy.  I'm open to trying it with a girl, but who knows if I'd like it. What's your favorite lyric from the last song you listened to?  "Hey, hey, NRA, how many kids did you kill today?" ("Shelter In Place" by Otep) Are you friends with someone that has a baby?  My best friend does. How many different towns/cities have you lived in?  Three. Have you ever had a kinky dream about a celebrity?  No. How many pets do you have? Would you like any more?  Six, and I kinda want another snake to breed with Venus when she's big enough.  I want to keep at least one of the babies to help with Sara's snake breeding passion. Is there a song you can’t stop listening to atm?  Oh yeesh, yeah.  I've fallen in love with Powerwolf recently and thus play a number of their songs repeatedly. How many bedrooms does your home have?  Two. How many times do you use a bath towel before washing it?  Once.  Annoys the hell out of Mom but like, I feel like there may be leftover germs I'm getting off + maybe dead skin 'cuz my skin in dry as fuck??? What time do you usually eat dinner?  This can vary from 6:00 to like almost 9:00.  I can't cook and Mom works late, so.  I'll make my own microwavable things if I can't wait for her to make something. Do you know any narcissists?  Jason????? Dillon????? dat u???????? Have you ever been falsely accused of something serious?  I don't believe so? In which were you happiest: elementary, middle, or high school?  Elementary. What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid?  Video games. You can bring back one dead pet to life. Which one?  Cali, for Mom.  She misses her so much. Rock, paper, or scissors?  I think I usually do scissors. Who was the last person to ask you out? Girt. What are your favorite pajamas you have? My purple, black, and white Jack Skellington ones ahhh What’s your least favorite ice-cream flavor?  Strawberry is disgusting. Do you prefer it when it gets darker earlier?  NOOOOO.  This is totally inverted from how it used to be, but I'm more likely to feel down when it's dark. Are there a lot of cookbooks in your house, or just a few? Or maybe none at all?  Mom has tons she never uses. Who are your godparents?  I don't think I have any. Can you touch​ your nose with your tongue?​​  No. What brand is your toothpaste?  Crest. Are you currently broken out?  No. What was the last hotel you stayed at? I dunno. Do you have a favorite NASCAR driver?  No. Eyeliner. Yes or no?  If I wear makeup, that's the bare minimum. What’s the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make?  Let Jason go or continue to let what we had ruin my life. Where is the last beach you went to?  Myrtle Beach, NC. Have you ever been rock climbing?  Nah, not interested. Have you ever played Gamecube?  No. What has been the biggest event for you to overcome?  Recovery.  It changed me for the better so much. Do you have a favorite pet?  No one can beat Teddy.  I doubt any pet ever will. When someone drops something do you immediately go and pick it up for them?  If I’m close, unless they're already reaching for it, yes. Could you call your best friend right now and tell them your biggest secret, and trust them to keep it?  HAHAHAHA NO tbh.  I love her, but she tells people everything. Have you ever played Wii Fit?  Yup.  Everyday one summer, lost 40 pounds, got in great shape. Have you ever touched a caterpillar?  Yeah, loved picking up the ordinary ones as a kid. Is there a YouTube channel whose videos you always watch?  I will watch literally any video Mark makes. How often do you feel lonely?  This is like.  Almost a daily struggle. Do you struggle with depression?  I'm diagnosed with it, but it's well-controlled now! While in a relationship, do you ever think about its possible end?  I worry about it BADLY.  Even in my current one where I feel completely secure, I have some spans of "what if" anxiety. What is the worst treatment you’ve had to put up with from someone else?  Ummmm.  I dunno. What’s the longest you’ve gone without eating?  24 hours, probs. Do you like watching music videos?  No.  I just care about the music. Which, if any, drug have you ever abused?  None. Do you know your mail (wo)man?  No. Honestly, are you often high-maintenance/hard to please?  No. Are there any flags flying outside at your home?  No. Will you vote in the next presidential election?  If the remaining candidates don't fucking suck, yes. Tell me about someone that you know dislikes you. What do you think is about you they don’t like?  The one person I know doesn't is my best friend's mom, but I can't tell you exactly why.  There's no telling what Colleen told her after our fight, but.  Colleen has told me her mom thinks I could "hurt" her son somehow.  I was fucking livid.  I adore that boy and would do anything to protect him.  Oh yeah, know she mentioned I was a bad influence, too.  But hey, the hate is mutual, I've never been able to stand her. Tell me about something you’re afraid of. Why does it frighten you?  Getting heartbroken again.  Last time tore me the fuck apart, I seriously don't know if I could do it again.  Worst pain I have ever experienced. Is there someone you could hang out with all the time, without ever getting bored of them?  Sara <3 Have you ever liked someone else when you already had a boyfriend/girlfriend? What happened?  Yup, first high school crush Sebastian.  And nothing really happened; he was taken (though I'm pretty sure he had at least mild feelings for me too), though it was at a complicated point.  Then I met Jason. What mountain ranges have you seen?  The Appalachians. Where would you most like to go in your state, etc that you haven’t been?  THERE'S AN ABANDONED WIZARD OF OZ-THEMED PARK IN THE WEST AND I WANNA VISIT. Have you ever seen or touched an iceberg?  No. Where was the most remote location you’ve ever been to? I dunno. What is your most unhealthy habit? Not exercising? Has your house ever been damaged in a storm? A tree fell on our old house during a hurricane.  It didn't cause severe damage or anything, though. What’s the least amount you’ve weighed since reaching your full height? ~118.  Hilarious. Do you think it’s cruel to keep an animal in a cage while you’re away?  Depends on the size of the cage and how long they're staying in there. Are you scared of reptiles?  Not at all. Does death scare you?  Not that much. Do you use a comb or brush?  Comb now that my hair's short. When you were younger, did you ever do that exclamation point that looked like an upside down triangle and had a really big dot?  No. What kind of relationship do you have with the last person you kissed?  She's my girlfriend. Are there things in your life that you’ll never be able to get over?  If I could get over my breakup, I can get over anything. Have you ever turned to smoking or drinking to solve a problem?  New Years of 2017 I actually did try to get drunk for that purpose. Would you mind dating someone significantly shorter than you?  No. What’s on your bedside table? Yeesh, a lot.  A fan, a basket with all my meds in it, sketchbook, notebook, my folder full of things from Holly Hill as well as my therapy homework folder.  There's other miscellaneous stuff too. How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?  This is pathetic, but probably like... no amount.  My life sadly revolves around it, just about. What are some things on your holiday wishlist?  Always tattoo money lmao.  But I'd really love a drawing tablet, but a decent quality one.  Can't have both. Who accompanied you to your first concert?  Jason, Mom, and Nicole. What’s the temperature outside?  Phone says 79.  Gonna get to 90, though. Have you ever been in detention?  Yes, too many tardies getting to school. Do you wear black to look skinnier?  Not for that reason, but it's a plus lol. Do you have scars on your wrists?  You can barely see them, but they're there. How about anywhere else?  Yeah, quite a few. Do you post things on Facebook that are personal?  No. Has the last person you kissed ever taken their shirt off in front of you?  Just to change it. Would you ever get in the passenger seat of a car with someone who’s been drinking?  Fuck that. What is a topic you definitely don’t want to talk about with anyone?  How I'm 99% sure I lost my virginity. What is the craziest hairstyle and color you’ve had?  Style, probably what I had before this where I had short hair on most of my left side and it faded to long.  Color, purple. What was your first gaming console?  Original PlayStation. Which fictional villain is your favorite?  Um obviously Darkiplier???????? What’s the last thing you’ve made with your hands?  Hm.  Dunno. Which hair color would you never want to have?  Yellow. Who’s the last person you talked to about sex?  Sara. What is the wallpaper on your phone?  My lock screen is a heavy reminder that I am still straight as fuck for Mark, home screen is my favorite pic of me and Sara. What was the last thing you wrote down?  Stuff at the tattoo/piercing parlor to get my tongue done. What is your least favorite color?  Puke green or olive. What’s the most boring sport to watch?  Golf.  Sara, don't tell your dad I said that.

[purplesurveys]

1049

survey by lets-make-surveys

1 - Who was the last person to give you a gift? What was the reason for it? My manager, Bea. She had a box of cream cheese buns delivered to my place last Wednesday as a Christmas gift. I’ve honestly personally been having a difficult time around her since she tends to sound just a teeny bit mean in our Viber conversations, but when I met her in person last Friday she turned out to be extremely nice. Her sending over a gift cemented that sentiment for me. It’s just the way she types, I guess.

2 - Are you a good cook? If so, who taught you? What’s your favourite thing to cook? I don’t consider myself a cook in any sense of the word. If I do learn how to cook one day, the dish I’d want to be known for is something complex and can be enjoyed by a large group, like paella.

3 - When was the last time something in your house broke? Did you manage to fix it or did you need to buy a replacement? Nothing too big. It was probably just one of our lightbulbs. Yeah, my parents have those replaced fairly quickly.

4 - Is any part of your body hurting right now? What caused that pain? My lower back as usual because I always put myself in the shittiest positions/postures. I can also feel a mild headache coming in from my right temple. I cannot wait for this week to be over, holy shit.

5 - Do you have anything exciting planned for the upcoming weekend? I’ll have to do some more Christmas shopping because last Sunday I wore the wrong pair of shoes, got a couple of blisters which made it hurt to walk, and was unable to get more gifts than I had planned for that day. I suppose gift shopping is exciting; I love days where I get to take myself out.

6 - If you could spend two weeks in any city in the world, which city would you pick and why? If the pandemic isn’t an issue, New York. I feel like I need to get lost in a really loud, busy, bright, this-city-never-sleeps kind of environment for a while.

7 - When was the last time you tripped or fell in public? if there was nobody around to see you, did you still feel embarrassed? Oh this is tricky. I haven’t been out much so I haven’t embarrassed myself like this in public in a while. I do remember tripping somewhere, but to save face I made the extra effort to look annoyed with myself and to immediately get back to texting, lol. I think it was in school, but I’m really not 100% sure.

8 - The last time you made a sandwich, what did you put in there? An egg sandwich spread that my mom added a twist to by adding crabsticks. Turned out surprisingly very well, and now I ask her to add crabsticks whenever she’s in the mood to make a stock of egg sandwich spread.

9 - How many hours sleep did you get last night? Was that enough for you or could you have slept for longer? I think it might’ve been 8? which technically should be enough; but work is really tiring. I never feel well-rested enough no matter how long I was able to sleep for.

10 - What’s your favourite time of day? What’s your favourite thing to do at that time? 6 PM, because it’s the end of my shift. My favorite thing to do is for sure closing my tabs and windows related to work.

11 - Where did you go the last time you left your house? I went to Feliz - for the first time since March - and did some Christmas shopping for a couple of my cousins, and then I stayed at Starbucks.

12 - Are you tired right now? Will you be going to bed anytime soon? I’m tired, but I’m not going to bed yet as it’s only 6:45 PM and I’ve yet to eat dinner, anyway. I’ll probably start sleeping by a little after 10, as usual.

13 - How many times a week do you get takeaway coffee, if you get it at all? It’s kinda unnecessary these days considering I work from home. I can see myself going to the Starbucks drive-thru 2-3 times a week for coffee if I regularly went to the office, though.

14 - What radio station do you listen to the most? They’re local and you wouldn’t know about them, but I typically switch between 93.1 and 99.5.

15 - If you eat steak, how do you like it cooked? What sauces or sides do you like to go with it? Rare to medium rare is fine; as long as I can still see the blood oozing from it. Mashed potatoes is a great side.

16 - Do you prefer sweet or savoury pancakes? What toppings do you have on them? Sweet. I’ve never encountered savory pancakes, actually; what are those like? :o I usually put maple syrup, peanut butter, and whipped cream on mine. It’s my waffles that I prefer to be savory, since I like eating fried chicken with them.

17 - Are you someone who cracks their joints a lot? Which one(s) do you tend to crack and click the most? I can only do so on my fingers and ankles, so I crack and twist those whenever they start to feel tense.

18 - Have you ever taken medication or tablets to help you sleep? is this something you do on a regular basis? No. I don’t have a lot of trouble falling asleep...it’s staying in sleep I have a trouble with, actually. Nightmares are a regular occurence now, which has meant it’s been a while since I’ve looked forward to going to bed. It’s pretty dumb and childish but most of my dreams have been happy, past scenarios with my ex. It feels like heaven while I’m in those dreams, but I cry uncontrollably as soon as I wake up which is why as happy as those dreams are I still categorize them as nightmares haha. It sucks.

19 - For you, what’s the worst thing about getting up in the morning? What about the worst thing about going to bed tonight? I’m handling one client who has been a gigantic pain in the ass ever since they onboarded with us, and they make work a dreadful experience for me every morning. When it comes to going to bed, like I said, the nightmares aren’t fun to go through. The happier they are, the emptier I feel upon waking up.

20 - Do you prefer regular or diet soft drinks? Never been interested in soft drinks, though the few times I tried to drink some I do remember taking a preference to diet versions.

21 - What do you tend to wear if you’re just hanging about the house for the day? I just go with a comfy cotton t-shirt and a pair of shorts. I might start to wear socks more often as it’s begun to feel a lot colder these days, too.

22 - When was the last time you dyed your hair? Did you do it yourself or get it done at a hairdresser? I’ve never had my hair dyed, but I’d love to try it soon. I’ll definitely have it done at a hair salon as I cannot trust myself with things like hair dye and bleach.

23 - Does having to wear a mask stop you doing things? Is this because you struggle wearing one or you just don’t like it? It makes it a little difficult to breathe and mine and everyone’s sentences gets super muffled, but it’s such a tiny thing to complain about when wearing a mask keeps you and everyone safe. I’d rather ask someone to repeat what they said multiple times than have either of us test positive for the virus.

24 - Have you ever witnessed a car accident? Or have you perhaps been involved in one yourself? Were you at fault? I have never seen a car crash as it happened in real time, but of course I’ve witnessed a lot of aftermaths. I’ve been in a few (either on my own or with my family), but all have been very minor accidents.

25 - When was the last time you baked a cake? What cake was it? Like 6th grade, for home economics. It was a rainbow cake from when that was a thing in 2010.

26 - Do you like wearing bows or accessories in your hair? They’re cute; I just don’t care much for them enough to want to buy a bunch of hair bows and clips.

27 - How many books do you read in a year? Do you enjoy reading or do you have to really force yourself to sit down and read? I will read a handful of wrestling memoirs in a year. I grew out of the hobby a long time ago, which I find really sad because reading was my happy place as a kid and served as comfort from when I used to be a loner in school. I keep saying I’ll get back to it someday, but it never happens and I don’t want to attempt making promises anymore.

28 - If you have pets, where did they come from? A breeder, a rescue or maybe a friend who bred their pet? We got Kimi from my grandma, who had a dog that recently gave birth to puppies. Mom got Cooper from a breeder. As much as I feel bad about it as I’ve always been a proponent of adopt don’t shop, I’m also glad because Cooper is guaranteed a happy life and future with us. Arlee was adopted from PAWS.

29 - Do you make your bed every morning when you get up? I’ve been awful at being consistent with it. So no, I don’t really.

30 - When was the last time you got takeaway food? Was it good? Dad got us Jollibee for dinner last night, and hell yes it was good.

[guardiandae]

OKAY it’s time for that write up about my trip to Boston

aka Why I’m Glad I’m Still Alive and also Dae Makes Bad Life Choices And Needs To Be Grounded :c 

(long, long post)

okay so, my friend H takes a trip down to Boston every year to visit her friend D who goes to college there. She invited me to go a few days beforehand, and as luck would have it I managed to arrange to have Friday & Saturday off work, and Sunday closing shift, so I could make it down there and back.

Of course, I had a runny nose and stuff beforehand... and then the night before (Thursday night, I think) I had a really hard time at work bc I felt feverish... I got home and my temp went up from 99.6 (which is already 100% a fever for me, my temp runs low) to 101.3 during the night. I kept waking up every three hours, and I had to get a bag of ice to press against my head. I went to bed early but slept in longer than I expected so I got like 13 hours of sleep and felt a lot better in the morning, aside from a sore throat. Actually, my throat does this fun thing where from time to time, it will close up on me and I can’t breathe. It can happen even from drinking water. So I took cough syrup and my throat closed up. Yikes. No more cough syrup for me, just cold & flu tablets! I can’t remember the other incident, maybe I drank something harsh, but I remember it did that twice, two times in two days. So, yeah. Gotta be careful what I drink with this sore throat.

Friend wants me to spend Friday night at her house so we can leave at 3am Saturday. So I go to H’s house, with her boyfriend T. My throat is like, raw as fuck. We hang out, they pack, and we all take a nap before we leave. I get like another 3 hours of sleep, then we all get up and hit the road.

We pick up T’s friend, S.  My friend H keeps trying to hook me up with S despite the fact that I am 1. gay 2. asexual 3. not interested in douchebags. And she’s been teasing me about the fact that, S and I will have to share a bed at the hotel. My god. Mind you, the plan she has in Boston is to take me to a strip club and I’m like, sdgkdfkgjd. No? Maybe. No.

We stop at a gas station and I get myself a big powerade for my RAW AS FUCK throat. Swallowing is seriously painful at this point. My friend swaps seats to sit beside me in the back, so now T and S are in the front. THEY FUCKING START CHAINSMOKING ALL THE WAY DOWN. So they have their windows cracked, freezing cold air pouring in, secondhand smoke making my eyes water and lungs burn, all the way down. Maybe at most they would stop for two minutes and then, boom, another FUCKING cigarette. On top of that, they listened to really gross rap music on the way down, like violent, sexually-explicit, drug-endorsing songs that were just honestly annoying lyrics aside, total crap, lol.

My friend and I show each other memes (she pronounces it me-me and I think it’s too funny to correct her) all the way down. We arrive at her friend D’s campus at about 6am. He has keys to all the buildings and has to make rounds, so we’re going to walk with him all across his campus.

D is a really interesting dude. My friend H told me, “he’s a bible-thumper” beforehand and I was like, eh. great. But he’s this 40-ish year old guy going to a religious college studying to be a minister. He’s super friendly and considerate as soon as we meet him. It’s 6am in January, fairly warm considering the time of year, but I’m still in just my hoodie and SICK, so while I was kind of excited for the experience, my body is so not. We’re going from building to building, up flights of stairs and back down again, and I am wheezing. My voice is pretty rough at this point too.

But let’s talk about the school, and the setting, because... I love it.

In Maine (my state) the trees here are mostly pines, maples, oaks, etc.

But in Boston, I’m not sure what kind of trees they might be, but my gosh. It’s a grey, chilly day (my favorite weather 100% honestly, too bad I was sick) and the trees are bare. Their branches are all twisted in different directions, like the fingers on an old man. Ever seen those kind of forests from creepy horror movies? They are just like that and it’s absolutely gorgeous. Most of the buildings on campus are very old, so some of them still have old fashioned latches, like the thumb-latches in my grandfather’s house.

The other thing I really loved about the campus, is that the students attending are actually very liberal and diverse, despite the religious focus. As D put it later, the other three people in our group, H, T, and S, doubled the population of straight (and cis) students by being on campus. Haha.

Anyway, I survive running around campus, and then we head down to catch the Green Line subway into town. At this point, I really wish I had realized we were going to be gone from the car for several hours, because I would've at least grabbed my hat. :c

This is the first time I've ever been on anything like a subway and I'm so glad that we had D with us to be our guide, because it was so confusing. The car was packed with people because of the Women's March going on. I don't know how this compares to other subways, but this went pretty fast and had a lot of hills and turns, and with every change in momentum I'm hanging onto the rail for dear fucking life trying not to fall over. My friend H has a lot of anxiety, especially around crowds of people, and riding this subway itself, so she is SHAKING and trying really hard to just hold on and get through the ride, and so am I. We get off a big station and decide to go up and walk the rest of the way instead of waiting for the next car, because my friend and I are curious to see the march going on.

We ended up walking around a lottt down all of these different side streets. H, T and S wanted to find a big tall building to go all the way to the top floor and take pictures, so we kept trying to enter different buildings at random, and most of them were locked and one we were politely told to leave, lol.

The whole walking around event was kind of more random than planned... we ended up at Bruins arena which I think was my friend's only actual goal, so she could buy her brother a gift. We saw tons of protesters everywhere and I got one of the pink hats from a nice lady who brought extras. But after that, our wandering was pretty aimless. We headed towards Boston market (still trying to find tall buildings) and accidentally stumbled onto the Holocaust memorial.

H and I were like 'oh... damn' and of course, I had to go in. The memorial consists of four towers made of panes of glass, with steam inside rising up. When I walked into the first one, the panes of glass had quotes from survivors of the Holocaust written on both sides in side, and on every single pane of glass, going up to the sky, there were the serial numbers the nazis tattooed onto people. I took a few pictures, but once I entered that first tower I put my phone away because it just didn't feel right. We walked through and read each quote... I was trying not to cry because the two guys with us (D excluded) were pretty douchey and I wasn't sure they even would, y'know, care. But when I read one of the quotes about the homosexuals being put into the death camps, I definitely cried and I was like, yeah. This is why we fight. This is why we can't stop fighting.

When we left, H was pretty shaken too (the quotes about children were the ones that got to her the most, I think) and D suggested that we head to the farmer's market to try to lighten up the mood. While we were walking there, S decides to ask a question, in a suspiciously condescending tone of voice, "I wonder what the founding fathers would think about all of this."

The rest of us were like, ???  "Think about what?"

S: "You know, the protests that are going on right now."

Guys, my voice was half gone but you know I clapped back.

"They'd probably think that they're exercising their CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS??? What do you think the founding fathers did against the British???"

Then he said something about how, people keep pushing and pushing for more rights, and he thinks that's a bad thing because it just ends up dividing people into more and more different groups and takes away rights from others. At this point I was like, HOLY SHIT, this fucking white boy is one of those people who thinks that EQUAL RIGHTS means his rights are somehow being TAKEN AWAY from HIM. Like, you DO realize that my great-great grandmother and your great-great grandmother didn't have the fucking right to vote??? and in MY lifetime, I had to go fucking vote on my  right to get MARRIED??? It didn't take away SHIT from poor helpless straight white men, it just GAVE more people the SAME FUCKING RIGHTS. HOLY FUCK.

So anyway we headed on to the market area, checked out the Newbury Comics store and I was exciiited bc I found a cute pair of knee-high socks to buy (my new aesthetic). But while in pursuit of my knee-highs, I wandered too close to the Dick's bar, and at this point everyone was ready to drink/eat and had been searching for a bar for a while. There were sooo many to choose from, including really nice looking Irish bars, and historic old bars, which I actually wanted to check out. But which bar did we go to? The fucking cock-themed bar.

They ordered drinks. I just sat by them kind of uncomfortably bc everything is not only "I love dicks" but the mascot is a sleezy overweight balding man and the waitress makes fart jokes. Like. For real. But I'm watching the tv, making small talk with D (who is awesome) and H, while S and T get drinks and fries. Some guy brings his CHILD into this establishment, and is apparently very familiar with their theme bc he plays right along with the waitress's fart jokes like he sees her every Saturday or something. What the hell. Then the party at the opposite end starts putting on these huge condom hats made out of white paper. I can hear a child crying on the other side, maybe the same kid. Why the fuck. And then the waitress starts kind of badgering ME now, like, "Why are you just sitting there without a drink?" I tell her, in my really hoarse voice, "If I have any alcohol I'm pretty sure I will stop breathing" and she's just like "Well it's not like you can't have a water or a juice"  (me: where the fuck is there water or juice advertised ANYWHERE on this shitty menu??? also the food was ridiculously overpriced otherwise I would've been happy to order >_< )  and then I look over and realize that, S has already had two beers, but he JUST ordered a fucking THIRD. Now I'm angry and I tell my friend I don't wanna sit in this (shitty) bar all day, so I'm going to head to the comic store again.

Comic store is right across the street.... but... I'm legitimately pissed off right now, so as soon as I step outside I'm like, actually, lol, fuck off, bye, I'm gone.

And I just keep walking, back the way we came in. I sit down at a bench for a while, half thinking that D or H had followed me, but nobody had. So I'm like, cool, and contemplating actually buying a train ticket home if I had to. But I'm sick as fuck and my legs are killing me and my lungs are wheezing and it's cold and I know that no train goes all the fucking way home, so I'm like, :)))

I decided to go and see something that *I* wanted to see so I looked at my phone and saw the Samuel Adams statue was nearby. They texted me "where are you" and I told them Sam Adams (of course, knowing them they probably looked for a damn bar). But I got lost getting to the statue, lmao, bc it was RIGHT BESIDE ME and I was expecting something larger and headed towards a crowd of people instead. By the time I circled back, I hung up on like three phone calls and ignored several texts, just texted back again "sam adams" when they asked where I was. Took a picture of the statue, then sat down again and waited. Still more texts and calls to not respond to. Finally I was really annoyed but got up to go back to the bar and was thinking, if they aren't here, I'm fucking off again, lol. But they were there and ... my friend H was in tears.

Uh oh. Nice going, Dae.

I put my frustration aside and just fell back into step... she didn't talk to me for a little while. I felt like such an asshole. It was only later I saw some texts that hadn't come through then... half of them already had their phones dead, the others were almost dead, and they'd texted me that they were going to head to the car without me and pick me up in a couple hours. Of courese, my phone was low battery too. I almost fucking stranded myself in Boston, extremely sick, with no cellphone, please ground me.

We went back to the subway (there was another station right near to us, thankfully, so no long walk), and rode all the way back to our original station. Then we had to trek back UP the hill we came down from the campus... I was wheezing hard.

Everyone crashed in D's room for a while. I collapsed on the couch and they all went into the bathroom to smoke pot. I considered leaving to the car to get my phone charger but was like, if I do they'll probably think I bailed again. and then I could literally hear them talking about me, and S saying, "I bet when we come out, she'll be gone again" and I just... felt so angry at him but also like such an asshole bc I'm sick and having a miserable time when I WANT to have fun but instead I'm being a bitch and I can't help it. And they want to drink and get high and I don't like either of those things even when I'm NOT sick as a dog and barely able to breathe, so fuck no I'm not doing that, thanks.

I think after that we finally went to our hotel bc it was check in time (3pm). My friend had reserved the room but they wouldn't let her pay because her card didn't have her name on it, and the others only had cash, so I stepped up to put the room on my card. It made me feel better about being there at all, because they literally wouldn't have had a place to stay (this was a fairly long drive away from Boston).

We went out to eat and this is where S shows once again how much of an asshole he is...

I'm not sure WHERE this came from, but out of the blue while we're sitting in this restaurant, S says something like, "If a drunk girl tells me to fuck her and then she passes out, I can tap that without getting in trouble."

Yeah... I'm positive I didn't remember that right but the statement he made didn't make ANY sense.

All four of us (D, H, T, and myself) were like, ???? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. That is RAPE.

D and I start trying to explain, for one, UNCONSCIOUS = no, and two, in this hypothetical she gave her "consent" while drunk, and you cannot legally consent while drunk!

"But what if we're both drunk"

We're trying to explain that technically neither could consent, it's a risky situation, and then he goes,

"So what if my ex texts me and says 'come tie me up and have your way with me'."

D is like, "I can't even begin with how many variables there are in that situation."

Me: "It depends. Is she sober? Is it actually HER texting? Is she going to say no when you get there?"

S: "She'd have to prove that it wasn't her texting..."

We kept talking about this and trying to explain like, the limits of consent and finally T is like, "Why are we talking about this?"

D and I: "Because it came up and it's worth talking about! There are a lot of people who don't understand."

But anyway, we pretty quickly dropped the topic, but I cannot get over the fact that S randomly said that he'd fuck an unconscious woman. And I am expected to share a bed with him at the hotel.

I was super super pissed with S at this point like, this actual FUCKBOY, first he thinks that equal rights means his rights get taken away, now he's stated that he'd rape somebody?? like?? get the fuck away from me, permanently.

We had to drive D back to his room and it's dark outside now.

I haven't yet mentioned, but as beautiful as Boston is to walk around, the roads are crazy and driving is a fucking nightmare. There are some normal streets but almost everything connects directly onto a highway (at least where we were... and I'm not sure if highway is the right word bc fuck if I know anything about driving but they are SCARY multi-lane roads). The highways are like 4, 3, or 5 fucking lanes of people driving like there's no speed limit, cars constantly switching lanes and assholes flying past us.

All of that is scary enough, but worse is that:

- T is the one driving, because H is too scared to drive in Boston traffic. - T does not have a license. - The car's left blinker doesn't fucking work, so switching lanes to the left is a deathwish. - Did I mention the drinking and getting high? Yeah. - Also, the chainsmoking resumes and I am in fucking misery.

We manage to drop D off, and they had mentioned the fact that they HAVE the lightbulb for the back blinker, but didn't take the time to install is before leaving. D had mentioned that he could probably do it. So I'm like, hey, how about we do that?  D takes a look and realizes that it'd take some time to take apart, but he'd be able to do it with some assistance. T is like, nah it'd take some work, and I'm disheartened (bc I want this car to be as legal as fucking possible bc if we get pulled over I'm 100% sure that I'm fucked on getting home, best case scenario. Worst case scenario, I might charged with something just for being with these guys. Idk if that's even rational but honestly.) but they agree to just deal with it later.

We get back to the hotel and H and I decide to go swimming in the pool. It's honestly one of the highlights of the trip for me bc I rarely get to go swimming, so we enjoyed ourselves for a while, talking about how T and S were kind of annoying both of us. The guys were getting alcohol and stuff while we swam, and they drank some and then joined us. It was kind of funny bc H had worn her bikini bottom but also swim trunks over them, and S didn't have anything to wear to swim in, so she gave him her trunks. They fit him so tightly lmaoo. The guys were splashing around, goofing off, and at this point I'm less angry and more just like, letting it all go, I know I don't like S whatsoever, he's fucking dumb, but I don't want to be hostile and I'm trying as much as possible to not be a huge bitch and a wet blanket, so it's whatever. We joked around a lot, and had fun, and finally got out of the pool when it was closing. But it was really awkward bc they had to go to change and T had gone into the women's room with H so I had to stand outside and wait to change my clothes... and I could hear H yelling at him about... peeing wildly everywhere? Oh my god. I don't even wanna know. It was one of those moments where I was like, there is nudity beyond both of these doors and I am probably forever going to be not comfortable with that. It's kind of a bizarre and shitty realization that everyone else is on a different plane of existence. Like, I'm the weird one because I don't wanna see dicks flopping around. Huh.

Rinsed off, changed clothes, went back upstairs, blow dried my hair and flopped onto the bed. At this point, I'm physically worn down but.... not.... tired. So I'm not sure if I'm going to fall asleep. But they want to run around, and ask about the strip club plans, and my friend is like, "Dae said she didn't want to go" (which is true, I told her no because I'm very sick and felt uncomfortable about the whole idea anyway) but the guys are like, "You're killing us, we're not going?" and she's like, "Are we?" and I'm so sick and tired at this point that I'm like, "Actually yeah let's go" and get up and get dressed again, ready to impress, ready to jump in and see some ladies and titties and see how uncomfortable I feel about it all.

We get into the car, and all of us have been trying to see what the nearest strip club is... there really isn't one. What the nearest bar is... eh. We're trying to find something really close by, because the guys have been drinking and T has no LICENSE and the car blinker is broken so instead I'm like, "Where's the nearest Walmart?"  over 100 miles away jfc. "Where's the nearest target?" Less than a mile away. Awesome! My mood is UP bc we're going to Target, now this is my idea of a good time.

Yeah, no. My phone is a piece of SHIT and they refuse to even look at it, but their phone won't update fast enough while we're driving and we CAN'T FUCKING MERGE LEFT because we'll be killed in this traffic, so we have to go to the right. We see other stores and want to go to them, but the problem is, when we turned right we already missed that opportunity. And this road merges directly into a fucking interstate. And we cannot turn off of it. And now we are going 80 mph in the wrong direction and have to take the next off ramp.

For the next fucking 30 minutes at least, we are desperately trying to get our fucking phones to tell us where we are and where we need to go. Everything loops in circles, because of the highways and off ramps. We keep missing fucking turns and ending up in even more of a tangled mess. Our phones did not charge up much at the hotel and are on the verge of dying once again and we cannot fucking turn LEFT. T and S are getting frustrated, I'm convinced I'm going to fucking die, and H is having an anxiety attack, texting me like, "This is my car and if we crash everyone is going to get hurt and it's my fault" and I'm like... can we please fucking stop somewhere and just fix the fucking light.

By the time we finally make it back to where we belong, we just go straight to the hotel. So fucking much for strip clubs, or bars, or even Target. Fuck that noise. We aren't driving anywhere after all, we all agree on that and we're all really frustrated and stressed.

I ask again like, even if it takes a while we should really fix the light bc driving down to Mass we had the same problem, and we're going to keep having that problem until we fix it, but the guys are like, we'd have to take apart the whole back end, if it were a quick fix we'd have done it already. In the daylight it'll be okay, it's really just at night that's the worst because all they see is our tail lights, and a lack of left blinker means someone might get killed. So I'm like, alright and let it go.

We get snacks from the vending machines, and crash in the hotel room again. Despite all the hyped talk from the guys about drinking and drugs (seriously, S was like, "Let's go  get some ecstacy or heroin" before we left on that horrific ride, and H was like "UHHHH NO, NOT HAPPENING."  He also talked about forcing girls to choke on his dick, so if anyone was wondering if he learned anything from the Consent Discussion, the answer is, probably no. And people wonder why I have sex anxiety jfc.)

Thankfully, I crashed on one bed, and H, T, and S all crashed on the other bed... probably bc they didn't want to catch my germs tbh. I heard S saying "bacterial pneumonia" to his phone.

Sleep was... hellish. I woke up at 4am, SHAKING uncontrollably and had to turn up the heat for a while. I think I was running a fever so it didn't help me at all.. after that I had to press a cold drink against my forehead and didn't fall asleep again until 6am, and we all get up around 8:50am.

Btw, the hotel was pretty shitty... a bunch of ants were under my shoes at the indoor pool when I picked my shoes up... they were coming up from the vents because I guess I stepped in something sugary. H freaked out a bit. Then in our 3rd floor room, there was another of those ants on my pillow. Nice. The breakfast service was shitty. The only edible thing for me was the apple juice, the rest of it was awful cheap stuff. We went to burger king instead, which H had wanted for breakfast anyway. My voice was nearly gone at this point and I had to type my order onto my phone and let the cashier read it. The burger king was also super shitty lmao it was under construction but the bathrooms were just, awful and unkept. We realized we had to head straight home now in order to get back in time for everything H and I had to do, so we got straight onto the highway.

Once again... terrifying traffic, and the difficulty of merging to the left. Every time T had to merge, I had to close my eyes and post facebook statuses like "pray for me because I am going to die." At this point, T and S are like, "We should've just fixed the light before we left" and I am like, internally fucking screaming BECAUSE I SAID THAT ALREADY OH MY GOD. Also, CUE THE CHAINSMOKING AGAIN.

I got dropped off directly at my work a couple hours before my shift, and then worked my closing shift.

Remember, at this point I've had very little sleep and fevers every night since Friday... my voice is just a whisper, I spent hours walking around Boston, hours awake at night, I should be exhausted but I am wide the fuck awake. By the time I finally got home, I still didn't even fall asleep until almost 2am.

So yeah.... I'm not even sure how to summarize my trip to Boston and how it made me feel. Everything was really random and accidental. It took a long time for it to occur to me, holy shit I am in BOSTON, historic Boston, and should be taking pictures and seeing the Freedom Trail and actually interesting stuff like that, but it didn't seem to occur to any of us until the day we had to go back and H wwas like, "I wish I'd taken more pictures."  I wish I had too, especially of the march, but since I ws sick before I even left, I actually wasn't even aware that the marches were going on, I was completely out of the loop. It's something I was super excited about and would've never been able to go to normally, but somehow I accidentally happened to end up there at the right time.

In all it was, frustrating, miserable, beautiful, surprisingly nice and diverse, historic, terrifying, stupid, and extremely lucky. Lucky that we managed to arrange the trip on short notice, lucky that we didn't die on the way down, lucky that I happened to be there for a huge protest event that I was able to partake in at least a tiny bit, lucky that I didn't have to go to the strip club after all, lucky that we didn't get arrested, lucky that we made it back safely, lucky that I didn't chop S's dick off and shove it down his throat. I think I might've used up all of the luck for the next ten years, and I'm a bit frightened.

For those keeping score at home, 

Reasons Why Dae Needs to be Grounded:

- going on a trip with sketchy drug dealing wannabe-gangsters who are racist, transphobic, homophobic, misogynistic dumbasses - going on this trip while extremely sick - ditching my friend and the group while extremely sick, in a strange city, with all of our cell phones dying, and ignoring their calls - swimming in the pool while extremely sick (I broke the pool rules whoops) - getting BACK into the defective car with a driver who had been drinking and has no license, at night - going to work directly after this trip, while extremely sick - still trying to talk while my voice is 99% gone - not cleaning my room (it’s so messy help) - staying up late at night to type this instead of sleeping

and now my throat feels much better but I’ve 100% lost my voice and can only communicate through strained whispers and interpretive dance.

but I have tomorrow off and I plan to finally.... rest. 

assuming that I can even fall asleep.

[mycasandstarrs]

SPN 8x10: “Torn and Frayed”

THE ROAD SO FAR: Dean comes back from Purgatory. Sam hit a dog. Cas is back from Purgatory thanks to Naomi. The demon tablet can tell them how to close the gates of Hell. Amelia Richardson and her breakup with Sam. Samandriel, Crowley’s prisoner. There are other tablets. Sam doesn’t trust Benny. Benny killed Martin. Sam’s upset about it.

(Recap set to “Katmandu” by Bob Seger. The show really loves his music.)

Samandriel had enough time to ask Naomi for help.

Poor hon.

Kermit, Texas.

Sam’s back at his original hotel room.

NO NO, YOU DON’T GET TO SLAM THE DOOR.

“Long drive.”

“Well, I wouldn't have had to make it if you hadn't have hung up on me.”

True.

“Yeah, well, I heard all I needed to hear.”

“No, you heard what you wanted to hear.”

Exactly.

“I sent you that text 'cause I needed you to – to –” To leave.

“What do you want to hear, Sam? That I was wrong? Fine. I was wrong. Okay? But if you'd have just heard me out, if you'd have trusted me, all of this could have been avoided.” YEP.

“Okay, well, then, what the hell do we do now?”

“That depends. It depends on you. On whether or not you're done with him.”

Oh, shut up.

Are you done with Amelia, Sam?

“Glad I made the drive.”

:’) Cas had been healing people in his spare time. Bless his heart.

New assignment from Naomi: find Samandriel and bring him to Heaven.

pfft.

“Damn it, Cas! How many times I got to tell you – it's just creepy!” An angry bear.

“So, who snatched Heaven's most adorable angel?” Oh, come on. Cas is Heaven’s most adorable angel.

“Samandiriel is being held in the general vicinity of Hastings, Nebraska.”

“The general vicinity? That's all you got?”

“Yes, which is why I need your help. It seems this is gonna involve... talking to people.”

Cas’ reluctance to talk to people is me.

“You saw nothing.” Ok, Dean.

It took about a minute before Cas asked for Sam.

Sam thought it was Dean, he was about to throw down.

“So, why are you here?”

“It's not what it looks like. I – I thought you were in trouble – that you had – It doesn't matter. You're okay.”

“I was okay. You know, settled in... content. But here you are. What am I supposed to do with that?”

Amelia was settling.

Huh, Amelia was Sam’s Lisa. Both of them were the women Sam and Dean spent a year off with (and in both cases, Sam and Dean had lost the other brother...but also didn’t know that other brother was alive and out there). Both women then deal with the unexpected return of their Winchester, along with mixed feelings that come along with it. 

BACK AWAY, AMELIA.

“Yeah, I care.”

“I care too.”

Oh god.

It’s really hard to watch Samandriel get tortured.

A talking, burning bush.

Geneva, Nebraska.

Cas is riding shotgun.

“Mr. Hinckley? Hi. Uh, we're from the, uh, Geneva Gazette. I wanted to ask you a few questions about your ambush.” Good one, Dean.

“Are you serious?”

“That’s his serious face, yes.”

What cute moment.

“What would you like me to say? That was great? That was... a mistake?”

“I don't know. Both, I guess.”

That was a great mistake. *s i g h s*

“Do you understand I have a life here? A good man that loves me...a man I don't want to hurt?”

“I know.”

“And do you know you're the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last thing before I go to sleep?”

Do y’all understand that she’s cheated on her damn husband/boyfriend? So much for not wanting to hurt Don. Imagine how he’d feel if he ever found out about this.

“I'm telling you that if you stay, against everything I believe in, I would be with you. But if you leave... don't come back. I can't have you with one foot in my life and one foot out there doing... whatever it is you do. That life of yours I have no idea about.”

Sam never told her about hunting, and he probably planned never to tell her.

“Words will never cover what you mean to me – what you'll always mean to me-“ OKAY. I’m sorry, but I have hard time believing that.

“How about two days from now, around 7:30? I'll be off work then. One of us will be here, and we'll know. Neither of us will be here... and we'll know. Or both of us will be here... and we'll know.” You’re gonna “Serendipity” this?

“Hey, what do you say, this doesn't pan out, we head back to that beer-and-bacon happy hour about a mile back, huh?”

You know what gets to me about that? Dean doesn’t have to ask Cas’ opinion about getting lunch, not really. Cas doesn’t even eat. Dean can haul Cas anywhere and Cas wouldn’t mind at all. It basically sounds like Dean’s asking Cas out on a lunch date.

They found Crowley’s hide out, and it’s surrounded by demons and angel warding.

“Well, you, me, and a demon knife ain't gonna cut it.”

“Ok. I’ll get Sam.”

Ha, Cas.

Fizzles’ Folly. The safe boathouse.

Our disgruntled Prophet.

“I’ll get what we need.”

Dean’s so impatient.

Ah, no wonder. Since Sam’s not around, and Kevin’s working, Dean’s got no one to talk to.

“Your mom's hot. I'm serious, your mom is one sexy –” DEAN SHUSH.

Aww, Benny.

Dean and Benny had a coffee date set up.

“You kicked your mom to the curb?” oohh Dean-o.

“Watching humanity – it never gets old, does it?” No. People watching is fun.

“I got what we need.”

“And I need both of you, as you say, to stow your crap. Can you do that?”

lmao Cas.

Team Free Will back at it again.

RIP demon. Killed by Sam.

Despite being pissed at each other, Sam and Dean do work well together.

RIP demon. Killed by Sam.

RIP demon. Killed by Dean.

Ain’t it good to have back up?

RIP demons. Killed by Sam and Dean.

AAWW NO

“Dean, hurry up. Come on!” HELP HIM THEN, SAM.

And none of them noticed Cas’ petrified state???

WHAT IS IT WITH THAT ZOOM IN, LOL

“There’s an angel tablet.”

There’s so much tension and action, going on.

RIP demon Killed by Dean.

RIP Viggo. Killed by Dean.

“Listen to me closely. I've been there. I know! They're controlling us, Castiel!”  Samandriel was the first to tell him.

RIP Samandriel. Killed by Cas. :(

I honestly think Samandriel was gonna die either way.

“Samandiriel was broken. He revealed the existence of what I would die to protect – what any of us would die to protect.” AGAINST HIS WILL.

“I just murdered one of our own to protect a tablet?” Yeah, it’s shitty.

Big yikes on this.

I really forgot how garbage Naomi was.

Did she instruct Cas to thank them too or not?

Oh god, they’re angel-proofing the cabin now?

Can we thank Cas for bringing Sam and Dean together again? Not just physically by bringing Sam from Texas, but also as brothers? Their conversation about Cas sounds like Sam never left at all.

And then Dean remembers Sam wanted out.

“Don't you have a girl to get back to?”

“Yeah. I guess I do.” 

You guess? That doesn’t sound very convincing.

“She does make me happy, and she could be waiting for me if I went back. I'd be a very lucky man if she was.” I disagree...but whatever.

“Well, I do know this – whatever you decide, decide. Both feet in or both feet out. Anything in between is what gets you dead.” Dean telling Sam what Amelia told him.

Dean now has to take his own advice.

I know it’s only fair for Dean to drop Benny if Sam was gonna drop Amelia...but it sucks ass and I don’t like it.

“Thanks for the ride.”

“Yeah, man. Adios.”

Nooooo.

Amelia shows up at the hotel room...alone. One of like, the three times I ever really felt bad for her...

But you know what? Earlier when she was telling Sam about how she had a good life and a good man who loves her, she never mentioned anything about her being happy with said good life and man. She sounded happier and more sincere talking about how she thinks of Sam.

So now that Sam didn’t show up, Amelia has to go back to a life and a man that she may not even be truly happy with.

I’ll fully never understand how Amelia was worth quitting the hunting life. I’ll never fully understand what Sam saw in her.

Goodbye, Amelia Richardson.

Sam and Dean chose each other, over Amelia and Benny.