#making myself tag stuff suffered more than jesus

[felrija]

Sketch dump

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

i'm a queer believer. i also haven't been to church in over 10 years. i can't pray or read my bible. i WANT to, but every church growing up was so painful and spiritually abusive, and the grassroots "queer" one i tried to join as an adult with people i thought i could trust turned out to be "it's exactly the same spiritual abuse you grew up with but me, the pastor, is gay this time, and all the other identities are still sinful and bad."

not to mention i'm a high-support-needs autistic, and very few churches i've tried accept that's not God's Judgement, let alone accommodate it.

i just. i believe in God. i believe that those churches that hurt me were not speaking for Them. but that doesn't change the fact that i'm so, so afraid of Them. prayer is a trigger for me. how can i move on? How do i even begin to talk to Them when all mention of Them has always been rotted with hatred and pain? will They wait for me? or am i just damning myself?

cw church hurt, spiritual abuse, fear of hell

Oh anon, my heart aches for you and the abuse that human beings claiming to speak for God have put you through.

I promise you, you are so deeply loved by the God who made you just as you are; who knows the hurt you've faced and would never be angry at you for the things other people have done to you. You are not the one who has done anything wrong!

God has compassion for you, a word that means a love that shares in suffering as much as in joy. They understand that right now, prayer and scripture and church bring you more harm than help; They would never blame you for avoiding the things that bring harm to your soul.

____

Take all the time you need, and don’t rush into anything that brings more harm than help.

If prayer is a trigger for you right now, you can trust that God will find other ways to connect to you. 

Simply taking time to appreciate life — to cultivate gratitude for the beauty of nature, for the way your body moves, for laughter or tears shared with a friend — is a way to connect to the Divine without need for words. .

Seeking to ease the suffering of the world is another way to encounter God without the need for formal prayer — in helping others and acting for justice, you become one with Jesus; you embody God in the world. .

Allowing yourself to be helped is another way to embody God in the world, for in Jesus, God depended for a time on a human womb, human parents and teachers, human friends. The vulnerability and courage it takes to live into interdependence, to say “yes” to another’s care for you, draws you closer to the God who made you for community. .

If you are one for music or other creative endeavors, I’ve always treasured the saying, “The one who sings prays twice.” The Holy Spirit imbues each of us with unique gifts; whatever yours are, simply using those gifts is a way of honoring and connecting to the Being who made and delights in you.

Meanwhile, there are ways to connect to community beyond church, and places to learn about faith besides the Bible. 

If you have even one person with whom you feel comfortable and enriched by discussing faith stuff, that’s wonderful! 

There are also online communities specifically for LGBTQA+ Christians, such as the Transmission Ministry Collective, which offers community on text-based chat services, video-based support groups, and more. 

And places like the Our Bible App offer devotionals that are LGBTQA+ affirming, and otherwise make room for marginalized folks whom faith communities too often harm or leave out. 

______

For more advice and encouragement, I invite you to wander through a couple tags I have that relate to these topics: #church hurt and my #healing tag.

I also have an #autistic stuff tag and an #autistic theology tag, as well as a broader #disability theology tag, that you might find helpful. You have unique gifts that the Body of Christ desperately needs; you are worthy of accommodations. Shame on any church that fails to recognize that — it’s their loss, truly.

_____

I will be holding you in my prayers, anon. It’s okay that you can’t pray for yourself right now, or even ever — God created us for community so that we can hold one another! In fact, the Holy Spirit is praying for you as well:

We don’t know what we should pray, but the Spirit themself pleads our case with unexpressed groans (Romans 8:26)

You are not alone; you are okay; you are loved.

God will wait for you — and more than just waiting — They are with you wherever and however you are! God isn’t only in church; God doesn’t only stick by those who pray formally. They will stay with you in your pain however long that takes, facing it with you and guiding you into fuller life. <3

[awrestlinggirlwholoves80sbands]

Laid out cold, now we're both alone (part 3)

A/N: Hello, this fic is very important to me because I tried my best to give justice to such a cool idea and I hope I did a good job. Plus I don't do multichapter ofter, so this was a challenge.

I wanna thank the lovely @livdonna​ for proofreading my work, you're literally the best <3.

P.S. If you want to get tagged in the next chapters, let me know.

Summary: Nikki needs to ask a favor to Vince Neil, in order to keep someone safe.

Warnings: Major Character Death,Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Drug Use, Angst, Overdose.

Pairing: Nikki Sixx x Tommy Lee

Chapter 1, Chapter 2

Taglist: @slashscowboyboots @witchytombstonesmile @arnold-layne @emometalhead​ @i-dont-like-rice​ @nikki-sexx​ @smokeandmirrorz​

Bittersweet. That was the best way to describe Nikki’s emotional state as he got teleported in front of Vince’s house. They weren’t the biggest fans of each other.  He was always so annoyed by his singer, whom he considered more of a diva prince than a front man.

Sometimes Vince Neil was a stupid spoiled fucker, in his opinion, yet he needed him. What made his blood boil the most was that he had to put his pride to the side, because this wasn’t about him but about Tommy, and there was no way in hell he would have disappointed him again, even if that meant having to deal with the blonde’s bullshit.

He decided to get in the blonde’s house but without showing himself at first.  He wasn’t being avoidant ( absolutely not) but just he wanted more time to think, that’s all. The first thing he noticed was how different Vince’s mansion looked from Mick’s : outside there was a big pool, in which the clear water was shining thanks to the sunny day, meanwhile the inside was mostly white and gave the whole house a very elegant and snobby atmosphere; however it was very messy too, which was a huge disappointment.

It reminded him of the singer: face of an angel but inside he had his demons. Who didn’t to be honest? Unfortunately Nikki wasn’t so lucky to get an angel face to hide his dirty soul, he felt like everyone could tell how fucked up he was.

Lost in his thoughts he almost didn’t notice Vince passing right through him, talking on the phone in an exasperated tone.

“I know Doc, you repeated that hundreds of times! Yeah , I’ll call Mick and Tommy and we will do this fucking conference!”

There was a small pause.  Doc was probably answering back, and Vince looked like he was about to smash the phone on the ground.

“What’s holding us? We fucking lost our bassist, our friend and brother. Jesus, I fucking get it that you want our money but show some fucking mercy, bastard! Fuck you!” He violently put the phone down, only to fall ungracefully on the couch.

The whole conversation made the bassist laugh out of anger.  He knew Doc was all about money, especially because they made his life a living hell, but Vince appearing concerned about his death was honestly so fake.

What? Were you saying that Vince Neil was mourning him? The guy who kept fucking up the band over and over again was sad for him?

“Fucking Nikki, real dick move you pulled there!”

Nikki didn’t wait one second before sitting on the couch and making himself visible to the blonde.

“Oh Vinnie, that’s so rude to say.”

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” Vince screamed,  trying to back away but just managing to fall off the couch.

The other man couldn’t help but let out a laugh.

“Nikki, is that you? What kind of joke is this?!”

“Yeah. Look it might sound nuts but I’m a ghost. I’m dead and couldn’t pass through because I have unfinished business to solve.”

If looks could kill, well Nikki would have died again judging by how Vince was staring at him. He saw his face turning into an angry snarl before he started to yell.

“What the fuck, Sixx?! You die, leave us all alone and then you even have the courage to stay a fucking ghost! You fucking selfish prick!”

The bassist felt his blood boiling, well not literally but he got the same feeling as if he still had blood pumping in his body. How did Vince dare to say such things? He was the selfish prick, he was the one never caring and always causing trouble.  He was destroying the band!

“I’m a selfish prick?! I didn’t decide to fucking die! I put my heart and soul in the band and you kept destroying it. Now you want to accuse me? Fuck you!”

“You didn’t want to die? Oh well, what did you think would happen if you kept injecting that shit in your veins. We are fucking screwed now, without a bassist and ready to split up!”

Oh that was funny! Vince wanted to shame him, as Nikki was the only one drinking and fucking up with drugs. Oh sure Mick, Tommy and him could do anything but Nikki dares to shoot up, oh he’s a junkie! However he knew it was different, it wasn’t a simple way to party for him... He needed it to be alive. He had tons of pages written in his diaries that could be used as a proof.

“Oh because you’re such a saint, aren’t you Vinnie? I’m the bad one, I’m the one out of control. Well guess what?  The only person I hurt was myself, meanwhile we can’t say the same thing for you!”

It was a low blow, a terrible one and Nikki knew that. Rage blinded him, but that didn’t mean he had to dredge up the past, especially on something as horrible as Razzle’s death.

Good job Sikki, great way to get your friend to do what you want.

Vince’s face turned red, his fists clenched and got up to Nikki’s nose. He looked like he was about to punch him, but he had to realize it wasn’t going to happen since the bassist was not tangible, so he kicked a small table.

“You’re the only one who you hurt? What about the band, the fans, all those people you lied to and made suffer. Most importantly, what about Tommy, Nikki? How is he? Because it doesn’t look like he wasn’t hurt when you left him all alone, when you preferred shooting up instead of caring for him.”

Tommy. If he knew Vince’s weak point, the singer knew his too. It fucking hurt so bad, now he was the one wishing to be able to slap him.

“You don’t know a fuck about me or Tommy. Shut the fuck up!”

“Oh, I know all the times I saw him scanning the room around hoping to find you, all the times he looked heartbroken when you disappeared in the bathroom during rehearsal. I saw him after you destroyed him, how he still loved you even if you threw him away like trash. His two worst nightmares came true: you left him and you died. So tell me again Nikki, how did you just hurt yourself?

He wasn’t about to cry, even if he felt like a thousand legs were kicking his chest, he wasn’t about to give that fucker the satisfaction to see him crying ( he probably couldn’t even do that). But after the pain came the realization : he was there for Tommy. He was angry to forget that this wasn’t about him but about the drummer, and he probably ruined everything.

Now the hard part came : swallowing his pride down and convincing Vince. Oh, he would probably torment the bassist as slowly as he could, but eventually he had to accept.  Fuck, the two of them knew each other since high school!

“How’s Tommy?” His voice was so low, he doubted the singer heard him, but somehow he did.

“Oh, so now you want to know how he is?!” His voice was still loud and angry, but he must have seen the desperation on Nikki’s face, because he decided to answer anyway. “ He’s a mess. I just talked with him very briefly, he wanted to know if it was real. Then Doc fucking occupied this phone like it was his bitch, so I haven’t called him again, yet.”

This wasn’t the answer he wanted to hear, it wasn’t fucking reassuring at all… Fuck, literally anything could have happened, Tommy could have hurt himself or left the country and this was all because of him. He just hoped his family was going to be close to him, he was loved, they would have never left him alone. That was supposed to be his job too, but he failed.

He failed his sweet Tommy.

“Sixx, what are you thinking about?”

It was the moment. Even if his heart wasn’t beating, he still felt the oppressive pressure of anxiety.  He wanted to run but he had to do it.

Swallow your pride. You fucking owe it to Tommy.

“Vince, promise me that you’ll protect Tommy, no matter what.”

“What?” The blonde was visibly confused and how to blame him!

“You were right, I broke Tommy and he’s going to have such a hard time. He fucking loved me, even if I didn’t deserve it, and now I’m terrified he’s going to destroy himself. You can’t let that happen!”

“Nikki…”

“I fucking love him Vince. I still love him so much.  He deserves a good life, I can’t ruin him even in death. He needs support.”

“Why me? It’s not like Tommy and I are best friends.”

“Because both you and him have known each other for a long time, and when the band will keep playing there’s going to be you, him and Mick left. He would never tell his stuff to Mick and he has something else to do, which means that you have to do it.”

A dry laugh escaped from Vince’s mouth.

“What if he doesn’t want to get helped?”

“You know how to get what you want. You’ll find a way, I’d do it but I’m a little dead… look I know you hate me but I’m only asking this. Like I said to Mick, this is my dead man’s wish.”

“Okay.” The voice was so low and Nikki barely had the time to react before Vince disappeared in the kitchen.

All his insecurities came back to eat him alive. What was even the point of being a ghost if he still had feelings? The truth was that he wasn’t sure on how much Vince could help, sure having someone close to Tommy was good, but he knew his boyfriend and fuck if he was a stubborn fucker.

His boyfriend.

It was a dagger through his chest, yet it still felt warm like the first time Tommy called him that. His face always lit up whenever he said it. The drummer always made loving him seem like the easiest thing in the world, as it was even possible to love someone like Nikki.

But Tommy did and what did he get in return? A junkie boyfriend and eternal heartache, because the love of his life was dead now.

Vince came back with a beer and softer expression on his face. Nikki didn’t move from the couch so he sat back to where he was.

“I will do it. I’ll keep an eye on Tommy.” His firm voice eased Nikki’s worries a bit.

Fuck, he never expected to see Vince Neil agreeing with him.

“Thanks dude, I know you hate me but Tommy didn’t do anything.”

“I don’t hate you.” His voice was shocked and the bassist had to suppress a laugh.

Yeah sure Vince Neil, not hating Nikki Sixx.

“Oh c’mon, don’t tell me you weren’t happy to hear I was gone.”

“Fuck no. Nikki we might have fought a lot and you were a fucking pain in the ass, but I’d never want your death. I cried, you were still my band mate and brother!”

He wasn’t sure why this whole conversation was hitting him so hard.  It was probably because he didn’t know how to react to the simple act of someone caring for him beside Tommy. Especially when this someone was his singer.

But did they really hate each other as they thought they did? If the roles were reversed, would he be happy about his death?

“I felt the same. Ya know, when we thought you were dead in the car crash.”

Vince gave him a small sad smile.

“Maybe we can bury the hatchet. You don’t follow me for eternity and I won’t talk shit about you in interviews. Deal?”

“Deal.” Nikki smirked.

It’s time to go, Nikki.

The same sense of helplessness he felt before with Mick, came back. Because he could pretend everything was somehow normal, until the voice reminded him that this wasn’t his place. Even if in this case it was for the best for him to go, considering how awkward it felt for both of them to be so friendly with one another.

“Vince, I have to go now.”

The singer made an expression between sad and relieved, but maybe for the first time ever, it was genuine.

“Don’t be a stranger. Send us some bottles of Jack or some strippers from hell, okay?”

Nikki let out a chuckle. Since when he was laughing with Vince Neil?

“I’ll try my best. Vince, keep the promise.”

“He loves you. You should visit him, he deserves to say goodbye to you one last time.”

He knew that, he fucking knew that already! It didn’t matter how hard he was trying to avoid that, he was going to go to him anyway, not only because Tommy deserved it but because he was selfish.

He wanted to see him one last time too.

“I know. I’m going to go to his house next.”

Vince seemed happy and gave him a small smile. Nikki took a deep breath and got out of Neil's mansion, feeling every type of emotion.

God, now it was show time.

[a-queer-seminarian]

I am trying to read more theology and I would love to know what texts have been most important to you? I am not a super academic person so things that are modestly accessible would be great, but also I am trying to push myself to read more challenging texts! ty so much!

Oooh what a fun question -- I’ve offered people book recs before, but never one that’s specifically the texts that have been most important to me.

To start, i recommend my #books tag on my other blog for way more books than the ones I’ll list here -- not every post in that tag is relevant to your question here, but some are. Here’s a list of the posts that are relevant to your request -- you’ll see that on most of them, I note how accessible vs academic or dense a text seemed to me. 

a list of recs for theology that’s helpful in this 2020 climate of pandemic and protest.

a list of recs for books about being queer and Christian

And now for a list of theological texts that have been most important to me -- deeply impacting how I read the Bible, how I relate to God or to other humans or to creation, etc.:

The basics

I have to include Christian Doctrine by Shirley Guthrie on this list...

simply because it was the first book I read when trying to figure out what Reformed Protestants believe after growing up Catholic. It’s actually a fairly easy read -- it’s longish, and not like the most riveting book you’ve ever read, but dang it has great stuff in it. It made me way more excited to enter the PC(USA) denomination than I’d been before reading it -- before, I felt like i was mainly running from the crappy parts of the Roman Catholic Church; after reading it, i realized i could also be running to the beautiful parts of Reformed theology!

But yeah, if you’re looking for a book that helps solidify in your mind concepts like the Trinity, or sin, or divine inspiration....this is a great book for that! (Assuming you want to learn about those things from a(n LGBT affirming) Reformed Protestant lens.

If you wanna read tons of excerpts from this text before deciding whether you want to read the whole thing, I posted a lot of passages from it in this tag over here.

Inspired by Rachel Held Evans

this is the best book I can think of for non-academics who want to learn about reading the Bible in a way that confronts rather than ignores/accepts its more disturbing passages.

If you need help figuring out how to read the Bible without a fundamentalist / literalist lens, this is the book for you.

Holy Envy: Finding God in the Faith of Others by Barbara Brown Taylor

Very important if you want to practice a Christianity that doesn’t pit you against people of other (or no) faiths -- and very easy to read

Books that helped me develop a liberationist + queer + disabled theology

Justin Tanis’ book Transgendered was super important to me when i was first getting into trans theology...

However, the language in it isn’t particularly accessible -- it’s not horribly dense but I would now recommend OtherWise Christian by Chris Paige instead. Paige quotes from Tanis -- and many other foundational trans theologians! -- and does a great job of making their scholarly language a lot more accessible to non-academics. Ach yeah, OtherWise Christian is what you wanna read to get deep into the academia of trans theology without having to wade through the denser older books yourself.

If you do want to read some of Tanis’ book, you can read my fave chapters as pdfs here.

I’d also recommend Austen Hartke’s Transgender and Christian YouTube channel and my website blessedarethebinarybreakers.com for more trans theology presented in simpler language!

Disability: The Inclusive Church Resource by John M. Hull

Nancy Eiseland’s The Disabled God is also, like, foundational to a lot of disability theology but it’s not the easiest read. The last two chapters are the best part in my opinion.

For more great resources on disability theology, including some of my own writing (which is, I hope, easy to read), see this Google Doc i compiled once and also my disability theology tag.

Jesus and the Disinherited by Howard Thurman.

It’s a bit more academic / written more formally than some of the books on here cuz it’s older, but it’s also short and if you can get through even just the first two or three chapters you’ll have absorbed material that i promise you’ll be thinking about for a long, long time to come.

God of the Oppressed by James Cone

So foundational. Another classic by him is The Cross and the Lynching Tree. These books are both more academic but yeah, foundational stuff.

The only full text I’ve read by Gustavo Gutiérrez is On Job but I’ve read a lot of excerpts from other stuff by him...

You’ve gotta read at least a little bit of this guy to help you understand liberation theology as it originated in Latin America. Unfortunately, I do think he’s much more academic so not an “easy” read at all -- you could try to find other authors who sum up his ideas and works and offer fundamental excerpts in his own words, if you try to dig into something he’s written and find it too tough

But yeah, his book On Job in particular really helped me start figuring out “theodicy” -- the question of why there is suffering in the world / what God’s role in suffering is. But I had a lot of trouble figuring out what Gutiérrez was saying at a lot of points in the book, and I’ve been reading academic texts for like a decade now!! So if you try to read it and find it’s just too much, don’t feel bad. I only was able to get a real handle on this book after discussing it in a seminary classroom with a teacher helping us.

If you wander through my #theodicy tag, you’ll find my own understandings of suffering as shaped by On Job without having to read the book yourself! You also might like Everything Happens by Kate Bowler for a great look on suffering. 

Native: Identity, Belonging, and Rediscovering God by Kaitlin B. Curtice (progressive Christian + citizen of the Potawatomi nation)

This book is truly incredible in that its language invites you in and reads like a devotional while making powerful statements about settler colonialism and assimilation and stuff. So so so good. 

When it comes to books that have deeply enriched, like, my “personal” prayer life / relationship with God:

Learning to Walk in the Dark and An Altar in the World by Barbara Brown Taylor (Episcopal background)

This author’s books are all so easy to read, and so so so full of wisdom. If you want your theology served to you in a less “so this is theology” kind of way and more of a devotional kind of way, this is the author for you.

Also she’s super popular among non-academics and academics alike so it’s easy to find people to discuss her work with!

An Altar in the World is about finding God outside of church, in the everyday, in the “secular”...

Learning to Walk in the Dark is about forming a faith that can survive and actually nourish you during the struggles of life (as opposed to what she calls a “full solar Christianity”)

A Tree Full of Angels by Sister Macrina Wiederkehr (Catholic nun)

this one is a little bit more formal in style, but not bad if you read it like i did, which was as a devotional where i’d only read a section or two each evening. It focuses on finding the divine in the most mundane of things -- see here for some posts sharing short excerpts from it.

Wow this got long....sorry about that! And if you were hoping for more shorter works, like articles instead of whole books, let me know and I can dig through my seminary stuff and share my faves!

[finaledenialist]

Okay, your tags on The Empty Post have showed up in my notes and I have to ask. Tell me more. Tell me it all. All of the feelings and thoughts about that scene because what I’ve seen so far? Absolute perfection and I agree wholeheartedly.

Thank you! Okay I basically unloaded most of my thoughts in my tags here but let’s go through this one more time. I may add: this was already said a thousand times by better meta writers than me 3 years ago when season 13 was actually airing. And I will ramble a little about Purgatory, too. Now with that out of the way: 

The Empty. Canonically it is a being, a living immortal being that rules the place or an ‘anti-place’ where angels and demons go are sent to when they die to dream of their regrets forever (this sounds awful and like a punishment for dying despite being immortal, for getting themselves killed or something). Also: the Empty was there before Creation, the Nothingness before Darkness and before Light. 

Okay. But let’s see what other things the Empty represents: lack of anything. Complete nothingness that Cas got sucked into (by Lucifer but also by helping the Winchesters). Now we know that Cas‘I am afraid I might kill myself’tiel had his issues, right (I still can’t believe that we are praising 8x08 thee Hunteri Heroici for being a filler episode with Cas - which is awesome, don’t get me wrong - but we all keep forgetting what he actually did say to Dean there!!! Dean says: are you afraid the angels will kill you if you show up in Heaven? And Cas looks straight into his eyes and says: After all I’ve done, when I see Heaven, I am afraid I might kill myself).

Please remember that it’s not only Dean, Mr. ‘Purgatory was pure’. Cas, after all he did in season 6, after his death in s7, after coming back and being literally haunted by everything he’s done, must have felt that Purgatory was liberating, too. It was some kind of an Alternative Universe where he didn’t have to face the consequences of his actions. He was free of them. It was literally his escape AND additionally it was (well, according to good old christian lore, maybe not specifically spn lore) a place where you are supposed to atone for your sins so there must have been the feeling of atoning, of making things right without actually doing anything specific, where having to survive and not get eaten by the Leviathans was his main problem (= surviving was just enough, nothing was asked of him), which, compared to all he’s done, wasn’t that hard or difficult. He found himself running away from Leviathans which could mirror running away from consequences of his actions - but it was Purgatory, it was at the same time atoning for what he did. It was EASY.

Cas basically confirms that he officially stayed in Purgatory because he didn’t think he deserved to go back to Earth and that is true but what he doesn’t say is: ‘Purgatory was pure and easy and kill or be killed and no other worries than that, no thinking, no real responsibilities which actually was a nice escape from the real world after all I did and been through in the past 3 years’. He wanted out, he wanted an easy choice. Okay, maybe he wasn’t actively looking for an easy way out but when it presented itself - when they appeared in Purgatory - he took it like a gift. We’re talking about a character who spent all his life following orders, who finally broke free and found himself completely lost in the freedom of choices, directionless and maybe wanted an escape. He must have felt overwhelmed but all this freedom (which he basically confirms in 6x20 freedom is a length of rope and god wants you to hang yourself with it). I COMPLETELY understand that choice to escape. 

So in seasons 8-12 Cas has a lot of stuff going on in his head, he gets lobotomized for most of season 8, he is hurt and tortured and treated like shit for most of season 9 and 10 and he ultimately gives himself up to Lucifer in s11 and then he almost dies in 12x12 and he never really got to talk about all of this or work this things out with anyone because Sam or Dean are not really the most talkative guys and Dean in 10x09 basically tells Cas to ‘let it go and not think about it’ which is a shitty advice to someone who suffers from some mental issues if I am being honest (this is like. ur depressed? oh go for a run and smile and stop being sad!!! kind of advice if you ask me). So these issues only grow and grow and start eating him up and please remember that at the very same time Cas is falling in love. I said it previously but I think the moment he realizes what he really feels is 12x12 when he is dying. In that moment he is able to name this feeling but it’s of course covered by: ‘I love you. I love all of you’. 

Now in season 12 he finally gets a proper arc with Kelly (god bless her, honestly, she and Cas had one of the most healthy relationships ever portrayed on tv and it wasn’t even romantic, I could go off about this but it’s getting really long anyway). So he kind of is on his way to find a purpose again - Dean is saved (from hell, from Michael, from the Mark), so he focuses on Kelly and unborn Jack and maybe in his relationship with her he rediscovers love (not necessarily romantic but he sees how she loves Jack) and he does all he can to protect her from basically everyone including the Winchesters. And he promises he will take care of Jack and then. Then he is killed by Lucifer (shattered at the altar of Winchester because he gets involved in the Apocalypse World because of them while having built something for himself with Kelly and Jack BUT still not having properly processed all his previous trauma). 

Okay, so fast forward: Cas is woken up by Jack in the Empty. He is of course confused and stuff (we still don’t know what was he dreaming about all this time he spent there now that we know this is a place where angels and demons dream about their mistakes and regrets <- fanfiction gap #1). He wakes up, he is ‘greeted’ by the Empty and one of the first things he says is that he has to go back because Sam and Dean need him. 

This is his first, automatic thought - I (probably) don’t want to go back, but Sam and Dean need me so I have to, I don’t want to go back for myself because I never wanted to since Purgatory but I know I have to. He doesn’t even think about Jack in this moment. I... maybe it is a stretch but I sense a kind of fear in these words. It’s like he thinks: ‘if I had the chance to come back and chose not to come back from selfish reasons then if the Winchesters ever find out about this they will be angry at me’. But I might be reading too much into this, but on the other hand Jesus fucking Christ this is precisely what happened in Purgatory. He chose to stay although he had a chance to return and the effect was Dean being mad at him. Talk about trauma--

Then the Empty (who was in Cas’ mind) voices his biggest fears: 

'I know who you love, I know what you fear. There is nothing for you back there. Wouldn't you rather be a fond memory than a constant festering disappointment?'

There is a lot to unpack here because this is the Empty’s (who, as stated at the beginning can be read as a manifestation of not only death but also Cas’ depression and self-worth issues) reaction to Cas saying that Sam and Dean need him. She says: uh oh you’re wrong<3 I know who you love, what you fear, the is nothing there for you, sweetie. Essentially: they don’t need you. No one needs you or wants you there. They are better off without you. Wouldn’t you rather be a fond memory (of actually being useful as in: saving Dean from hell, helping to stop the Apocalypse, helping to fight the Leviathans) than a disappointment (failing powers, makes mistake after a mistake, chooses to protect the unborn Antichrist rather than killing him before he’s born - and not to make this whole thing worse but this is what Dean has the audacity to say to Cas in 15x03: why if something goes wrong it always seem to be you).

I will now allow myself for some privacy, because I am a person who dealt with these kind of thoughts in my head for years, these are straight up suicidal thoughts: no one needs you, no one wants you, you are a disappointment and if you die you will be fondly remembered, everyone is better off without you. And we know Cas was suicidal because he literally tells us in 8x08 and we have no proof that he somehow got rid of these thoughts, ever. If anything, they were always there, present, if not growing. Thoughts like that don’t just disappear. Please remember one more time what was happening to Cas in seasons 8-11. He wasn’t healing. He was getting worse, while all this time managing to keep his head above water for someone else, while the guilt was rising and rising. 

If the Empty represents all his issues: depression, suicidal thoughts, guilt, self-hate, lack of self-worth, and what she offers is: eternal sleep. Maybe not entirely peaceful sleep, but sleep nevertheless, no consequences, no facing your fears, no dealing with anything, an escape, sleep - 

And she prompts him to stop fighting, to go back to sleep because there is nothing to fight for (now the symbolism of him being waken up by JACK who was his new found purpose just before he got killed), but she makes a mistake to confront his thoughts and fears with him. She makes a mistake of taking a ‘physical’ form, putting on his face and voice his fears. And Cas is a warrior and he kind of hates himself, so his instinct was to fight. Of course it was easier not to think about all of these stuff at all, to push it back, to try to forget. But once he was forced to face all of these? He fought back. AND HE WON!!!!! 

WHAT A MESSAGE TO SEND RIGHT?!!! You might have all these issues and not want to face them because you feel you will crush under them but look: when you are forced to face them it turns out you are somehow way stronger than them!!! The moment you choose to fight you already won, you are already saved!!! Because ultimately these are your thoughts and this is your mind and you control it, no one else! The moment you decide, you choose, to take control: you win. You are saved because you chose to save yourself because you decided you are worth saving. And the Empty (and everything she represents) immediately gets angry and lets him go, ultimately annoyed because he dared to defy her and she just can’t win with someone who decides he wants to be free. WHAT. 👏🏻  A.  👏🏻 WONDERFUL. 👏🏻  MESSAGE.  👏🏻

So... Having said all that. There is only one thing left: I have NO IDEA. NO IDEA. HOW HE FOUND THE STRENGTH. TO STAND UP AND SAY THIS:

I'm already saved. You can prance and you can preen and you can scream and yell and remind me of my failings but somehow, I'm awake. And I will stay awake and I will keep you awake until we both go insane. I will fight you. Fight you and fight you for... ever. For eternity.

A FUCKING ICON. STRONGEST CHARACTER EVER. YOUR FAVE COULD NEVER--

[keepyourlife]

What fics do you like/read/recommend?

Difficult question, cause recommendations I can give but only very limited.

What I like? Slow Burn, Angst, Fluff, damn it I also read Smut sometimes, AUs (I mention something about that later). Basically: I want to suffer, I want to cry, but give me a happy ending. I LOVE good interpreted characters and I LOOOVE well-written relations. What I mean by that is, basically, if a sibling relationship is weirdly written, I tend to just.. not read the story at all. Does that make sense? Whatever.

While I read a lot, I rarely save what I read and more often than not I kind of.. lose half of the fics I read? There’s one I am currently obsessed with, which I found via @worstloki:

doubt truth to be a liar. absolutely amazing tbh. it’s about a younger Loki suddenly appearing in the Avengers Tower, without any memories about what happened (post Ragnarok), it’s got trans Peter & cultural differences between Asgard and Midgard I find quite interesting. Cause while I do know that comic Loki mentioned that the concept of gender and sexuality do not exist in Asgard the way they do on Midgard (I think that is what he said), I found the differences portrayed in that story very believable and also super interesting, cause I didn’t think of that? Especially interesting when you know a bit about the Viking age and its culture, which MCU Asgard clearly was set to resemble.

So, next I need to put a little disclaimer about myself: I normally do not like Reader fics, because more often than not they’re super ooc and I just find this whole.. “y/n” thing kind of offputting and it just makes me uninterested very often. However I have a friend who do likes these kind of stories. And she lets me know. And she needs someone to talk about these stories, so there’s that. And I read a handfull of them and tbh only those I actually find 1. well-written, 2. well characterised & 3. no darn use of “y/n”, cause no I never imagine myself there, I create characters in my head for each story.

A Job Million PRs Would Die For by @saiansha. Jesus fucking christ the amount of times I re-read this story. Honestly, it is, I think, the first Reader fanfic I read in my entire life, was super weary at first cause. idk. I know some people on this website (and AO3, let’s be real) that just post very weird stuff. This one has an interpretation of Loki that I can 100% believe and it is one I support. That was one of my main reasons to continue reading, but it’s also the general writing style that I like and that there’s a Reader character, who is not a helpless damsel in distress. Ultimate proof of that was the most recent chapter. (dear author knows my thoughts, I dared to dm cause I was just. very enthuasiastic about this story)

Broken Crown by @michelleleahhh​. Second one I started reading at one point cause my friend kept asking me to read it. a kind-of AU? It’s set in Asgard. That’s what you need to know. Again, a story that had me from the beginning, once I started. For the writing style and for the characterisation. The story really had me guessing sometimes, cause,, well-written! and really good dialogue!! damn you Freya!! and a decent Reader character that doesn’t have me ripping out my own intestines. (also very enthusiastic about this story, yes this phrasing as a meaning)

Foruneyti by Evaldrynn or @foruneyti (I tagged the blog for the story here, too, don’t mind me pls) Also kind of an AU, basically just Asgard. Anyway, I am so in love with the aesthetic this story gives me. It’s hard to explain, but after 85 chapters I just have this very clear picture in my head of what I think this story looks like. Now, Reader here is also good and well-written, the Original Characters are likeable and not super overpowered, neither is Reader. The canon characters are, in my humble opinion, interpreted nicely and tbh for some reason I just always imagine them in this comic style, rather than the way the films portray them.

Of Different Emotions by @wanderingworldwarrior. my. goodness. I am in love with these stories and I am just. so desperate for an update. idk if we will ever get one, but honestly, I re-read it this week and. Just stopped after the second part, cause I can’t deal with the pain of the third part one more time. First part is set pre-Thor 1, second part is set during Thor 1 and the third during The Avengers. I love the Reader character a lot and the Original Characters just. belong so much to the story. idk I just love the way this story is written, I love the characters, I just love it a lot, alright.

Onwards to anime. Bungou Stray Dogs:

where your loyalties lie by writingfromtheshadows. this!! story!! it’s so good!! it’s a Yakuza!AU and oh my gooood. It’s all just so so well put, compared to canon and I love the dynamics Dazai and Chuuya have here.

Forgettable Significance by Witheryvine. THIS STORY. took my sanity, threw it out of the window and then spat on me. It broke my heart so very often, cause it manages to make you question yourself. morals about relationships out of the window. I re-read this story like five times.

still still still by toriosaurus. I was waiting, desperately, for every single chapter. This AU gives me everything I need and more. I remember doing fanart for this story and being very proud of it, even though it did no justice to the original story. Normally I am not a fan of, idk what to call it, no power AUs because most people just do the thing wrong for me. But this one hits.

If I recommend Twist and Shout now I get thrown into Turbohell, so idk if you want a very sinful Destiel fanfic, then read

Hot Water by Chiyume. I was 16, I decided to read Destiel fanfictions and this one kind of did it for me.

Don’t @ me. I really read a lot more than this, but I suck at organising myself and I just barely ever save shit. Also it’s late, I’ve been on a video call with my friend for over three hours now and I just like to clown when I am tired. Anyway, I used to bookmark Destiel fanfics back in the day and the rest is just. Read it, kudos, comment, and then I forget to save. The multichapter fics are often still in my subscribes, but sometimes. just.. not.

[chyrstis]

WIP Tuesday (Wednesday’s just not happening)

Tagged by: @theoriginalladya @guileandgall @weekend-writer @twistedsinews @ma-sulevin @sharky-broshaw @fadedjacket @shallow-gravy @returnofthepd3 @hawkfurze and @fromathelastoveritaserum ! You’re all awesome and incredibly patient, b/c I feel like I’ve been all over the place the last week or so and now turned out to be the best time to do this!

Tagging: @finefeatheredgamer @amistrio @tommymillers @softmillers @foofygoldfish @redroci @geronimo-11 @ofravensandgenesis @outranks  @sneaky-apostate  @scarlettkat86  @raisinghellinotherworlds @jenchwuq @shelliechen @shellibisshe @ja-crispea and anyone else that’s interested! Also, don’t mind me at all if you’ve got a backlog of tags going, because I’d hate to add to the pile if it’s starting to become overwhelming.

I have no excuse for this first one at all, only that I wanted to write a little something about Hana’s love of coffee, and give her a little more time with Sharky since I’m procrastinating just a little on finishing their next fic (and writing too much AU content in the meantime).

I also have only the loosest idea of where this is going to happen, so...we’ll see where it ends up? Also, good job you two!

---

She felt two taps to her shoulder, and turned to find Sharky standing there, grinning widely.

“Yo chica, heard you were missing this, and figured it’d be better than the ground up shit we’d tried making on the road with Grace.”

Coffee. He was holding a cup of coffee.

Hana stared at it for a solid minute, soaking in the fact that he was holding it out to her, and what she was smelling was absolutely not her imagination at all. Just coffee, glorious coffee as it all washed over her, breathing it in with a grateful sigh as she looked up at him with a content smile.

“I love you.”

The cup of coffee slipped right out of Sharky’s hand, and he helplessly swiped for it only for it to explode right at his feet.

“Fuck! Dep, I’m sorry! It wasn’t-I didn’t mean-“

But Hana’s attention was locked right on the dented cup. On the dark puddle on the floor as it grew and soaked right into Sharky’s shoes, and felt her eyes widen at the sight before shifting them back up to his face.

Holding him by the shoulders, she looked him right in the eye. “Sharky, please tell me there’s more. Because if there isn’t, I don’t care, I’m licking it off of the floor.”

He’d been crushed, wearing an expression that hit her like a punch to the gut, but after her response sank in, gave her an odd look. “Uh, course there’s more. They just made a fresh pot out back. Sheriff’s orders.”

He jabbed a thumb towards the door leading to the radio room, and Hana held both hands to her heart. “Thank you, Jesus.”

Heading straight for the exit, she spun on her heel at the last minute. Realized she was about to make a huge mistake if she didn’t stop and say something, and grabbed for Sharky’s shoulder and tugged.

“And thank you-”

That should’ve brought his cheek in range. Instead, she got his mouth. Felt his comment as it cut off abruptly so his lips could press against hers, and it lasted all of two seconds before they broke apart.

---

More ‘it’s a trap!’ fic, which I’m hoping to hop back into soon! But the draft’s at 13K right now and definitely starting to make me sweat a little in terms of what the potential word count’s going to look like. This part’s also older, but I don’t think I’ve posted it just yet.

---

“Okay, back to plan A,” Hana breathed, her voice uneven. “Guess you get to keep that pretty face of yours after all. But I think this is the part where I get to tell you again, what’s going to happen.”

He was far enough away from her at this point to keep her gun on him, but it wasn’t enough. Not with how he was looking at her, visibly pissed, but with a heat to it that wasn’t there before.

“Is it?”

“Yes, it is.”

John straightened his posture, drawing himself back up. “Then remind me again,” he started, his voice rough as he spoke through clenched teeth, “just what you hoped to accomplish here, Deputy. Because I’m inclined to tell you what you’ve managed to do in turn.”

She rattled off the whole list in her mind, and to her credit didn’t flinch.

“I’m standing in front of you with a gun. I don’t think we really need to worry about any of the finer details of how we got here to begin with,” she said, giving him a sharp smile. “You can also shut the fuck up now.”

“Fine. Let me show you then, if you so badly need the reminder.”

Anger laced the words, but the unspoken promise made her want to snarl at him. “You come anywhere near me, and I swear to God I’ll-“

She paused, hearing yells from outside.

---

And here’s another I won’t ask for much AU WIP that dropkicked me a few days back, and decided to become a full-blown idea when I wasn’t looking.It’s up to 4K, and I need it to stop, darn it. At least for now so I can get the others done. XD

----

“Like, you taking me up there and flying around’s been running through my mind for…” He ticked off a few of his fingers and eventually gave up. “Weeks? Months? Long enough to think that’s all it’d be. Just me thinking, and dreaming up stuff that just wasn’t meant to happen.”

That made John’s smile fall, and Sharky pushed himself up onto one of his elbows to keep going.

“But if you’d told me any time last year you were thinking of doing any of this at all, I’d ask if you were feeling funny, or been body snatched or something. Probably get that out of the way first, before uh, you know. Doing something dumb.”

“Like what?”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “Like the ‘be smooth, and…maybe try and kiss you’ kind of dumb. ’Cause you doing any of that shit’s really cool. That you can do even half of that in the air’s enough to make me…  Like I admired that.”

The corners of John’s lips curved up as Sharky gave a small shrug, and he chuckled. “I don’t think it would’ve been stupid to do. Just surprising.”

“To actually wanna do that, or…?”

“Yes, that you would want to.” John rolled over towards him, and traced the line of his jaw. “I let it surprise me well after I’d already convinced myself that I was suffering from a case of wishful thinking, and if you’d done it then? Well…”

“I’d be thanking you. For being a cool guy, and for taking and making the impossible possible. Not that I uh, make a habit of kissing people after they do shit for me, ‘cause that’s not okay if they’re not into it, and I know Nick would’ve flipped if I tried to lay one on him after hitching a ride up there.“

“Nick?” John tensed immediately, and dropped his hand. “You mean Nick Rye?”

[suffering-and-happy-about-it]

Death Of A Hero (The Less I Know The Better, Part 2.) (Peter Parker's iPod, Part 14.)

Series description: Blip was hard. Dating MJ was a pleasure in Parker’s life, so it was even harder when she told him that things aren’t working as she anticipated - one month before college. Although they remained friends. But Peter isn’t too sure if he can handle liking yet another girl.

Part Summary: There was a night you've seen through all the Spider-Man's magic. But it wasn't what you've expected. Who would expected to be lied to in the end?

A/N: I knew that this is coming... That's why I've been hesitant with writing this chapter for such a long time. I'm so sorry. 💔 Fun fact: I used the same song as inspiration when I was working on my OG Avengers series in my language when I was going back to Tony Stark’s funeral. 

Word count:  2.4K

Tagging: @fanboyswhereare-you, @lukesbabylon, @eridanuswave​, @underoosjae​

Master list: H E R E

GIF SOURCE

You can’t look away from a train wreck, that’s how the saying goes, right? Something like that it was. And you had a feeling that your life is one big train wreck or that something like destiny is playing one big sick game on you because such a twist was unexpected.

Peter Parker, the boy who wore only old clothes, t-shirts with nerdy puns, that someone who was into putting together Lego sets, comic book reader... He was supposed to be Spider-Man. The mysterious cool guy who was swinging through New York on his webs, he was fighting off the forces of evil and he was keeping you safe. Your Peter was supposed to be that guy. For a second, you thought that maybe you were falling in love with both of them. Sometimes, the affection for Peter was stronger and when you were Spider-Man, you couldn't think about anyone else. And when these two worlds collided, you couldn't understand what in the world is even happening.

Until confusion turned to anger that was eating you alive every time you saw his dumb face. You and Peter weren't talking for more than two weeks until the finals ended since you wanted to concentrate on your finals. The boy didn't know that you finally figured him out, so he was worried that has done something as Peter that you couldn't simply look away from. In the nights when he wanted to ask about it as the other guy, your window was locked from the inside and when you heard him landing on the rusty escape staircase, you pretended that you're dead asleep.

You allowed him one last visit before you were about to drive to your home in the countryside. Since you and Peter hadn't spoken about two weeks at that time, he had no idea about your plans for the holiday. He was simply happy that you both finished the first year of college and since he was that kind of a boyfriend who never missed an occasion for a flower and dinner, he brought it to you. Italian lasagna and some roses hanging from the outside as he held it for you, himself having a smile on his lips.

Tame Impala was playing through the room and you were just finishing some work on your laptop. - "Come in." - A cold mumble could be heard as you continued with writing. Normally, you'd stand up with a smile and took the things out of his palms, giving him a warm kiss afterward. Yet that day, something was in the air. Something had changed and Peter felt it. And as he watched you working with a murderous look in your face, he knew that this is going to be bad.

"Hey, stop working, and let's celebrate. You seem to be tired." - He whispered and tried to smooth your palm. But as you felt his fingers lingering on the fabric of your shirt, you jolted and looked at him with a face full of disgust. Yeah, something was off. - "Okay then, I won't be touching you. Just... Eat something, I guess." - Peter walked to the desk and opened up the lasagna for you. Somehow, he felt your stare on his back and it was extremely uncomfortable. He tried to smile at you while he put it next to your thigh only to meet with another murderous stare.

"Look me in the eyes and tell me why have you done all of this." - You asked calmly. At that, Peter's heart stopped. MJ knew that he's in your room and she promised you that she’ll take Betty out for dinner so you would have the whole flat for yourself to scream at each other.

"I-I think that I don't know what you're talking about." - Peter got out wish noticeable stuttering, having you chuckling and shaking your head. You had about enough with Peter. When you looked at the boy, you couldn't see someone who knew how to make your laugh. It wasn’t the boy who always told you that you're looking cute. It wasn’t even your friend who you kissed on the trip.

All you could see was a liar. His moves screamed the word, his lips were telling the lies and his whole personality? A hollow fake built for your liking. With one move, you closed the laptop and put it away, licking your lips slowly. Without sparing him a look, you walked to the iPod, having Tame Impala screaming on a loop.

"I think you know exactly what I'm talking about, Peter." - You told him, just standing there and looking him in the eyes with your palms over your chest. - "It took me a long time, yeah, but it made you feel good, am I right? You were all about lying to me that when you successfully catfished me, you were excited. Now you know that this works and you can fuck with any girl you'll choose as your future victim."

At that moment, you took the mask off, tearing it off his head so you could look him in the eyes. You loved that human being just weeks back and at that moment, the only thing you wanted was to throw up. What has he done was disgusting, immature, and... Suddenly you got the feeling that you might not be the only one who Peter tried to seduce this way.

"And for Christ's sake, turn on your normal voice, I'm sick of you fucking with me." - A disgusted mumble came out again as you rolled your eyes and threw the mask to his feet, walking away. Of course, you wanted to see him suffer that evening. It wasnt nice of you, it wasnt, but that was the way it was. You weren't giving Peter a single shit for free. You put tight shorts on so your ass would look just splendid and the top itself wasn’t covering you either, showing him that bra you had on... When that one night happened.  

"I-I swear I can explain, Y/N. Just don't be mad, p-please. I beg you." - The boy ran after you when you poured yourself a glass of cold water, doing exactly what you wanted.

"I want to hear why did you do all of this shit and why did you choose me as your practice target, Peter. That's all the explanation I want and what you owe me." - You walked to stand in front of him, having your dinner table between you and him.

"Look at you." - Was all the boy answered as his fingers played with the spandex mask. His cheeks reddened while his eyes got teary. Jesus, Peter was never scared as he was at that moment, at that kitchen, with you looking at him. You did as he told you, giving him raised eyebrows. - "How... How would someone like so lucky that they would get to date a girl like you? And trust me, I was never good with girls, whether you look back at Liz or when you ask MJ..." - Now he was mumbling, looking into the ground in front of his feet.

"And ever since February, I started to notice that I, really, really liked you. And I... I was... I was just so scared that you would never date me for me, I wanted to meet you like the other guy and tell when the time’s right." - Peter tried to explain the best he could, having you silent for a long while. That was when you started to laugh cold-heartedly.

"And when would the right time come? A month from now, half a year, a year? Did you enjoy seeing me waiting for you almost every night, not having any other guy on my mind? I could have a boyfriend by now, Peter, there was a lot of boys asking me out in the last few months, did you know that? But instead of that, I wanted to be with you and... Not with Spider-Man. I felt this subtle click between me and you... Months ago. And when we have done some stuff together, I was wowed. I thought to myself that you're the guy. And when I kissed you on the farm, I felt it too. And not for your ass dressed in spandex. I felt it for you, Peter." - You pointed at him, not finishing just yet. - "Of course, you can say I was into Spider-Man since I didn't see through the whole mascarade, yet for me, it wasnt about the hero or the suit. It was about the boy under it. I saw only the boy whose father figure got shot. About the boy who liked my sushi. For fuck's sake, I fell for the boy who danced with me on the rooftop, who was funny, charming, and smart." - You breathed out with disappointment, taking another sip of the water.

"And I don't know if you realize that, but I'm talking about you and your personality. The whole time, you've been giving the best out of yourself just for me to realize... It was a game. It wasn’t real." - You looked him in the eyes, seeing first tear slipping out of his eye. You’ve been crying too. You weren't the hero who would get hurt and wouldn't cry. MJ was with you the whole time, hugging you, smoothing your hair, and kissing the top of your head to have you feeling safe for a while. At that time, you were just hurt. At that moment, you were mad at the boy, feeling nothing but the hatred that needed to go out of your head and mouth. Otherwise, you'd go crazy.

"It was everything for me, Y/N. You were the only thing I could think about in the last two months. I was leaving the iPod on purpose for you to listen to it, because every time you found a new song, you were so happy. I was doing all of this just to see you happy." - Peter begged quietly, coming closer to you. When the boy was about to touch you again, you bolted to get out of his range again.

"Don't cry, Peter. If you'd told me, this conversation didn't have to happen at all. You're a man, so pull yourself together. I don't mean to go harsh on you, not at all, but you hurt me like a living fuck." - You said simply, walking back to your room, listening to the song once again. That was when he noticed how empty the room was. There were only two big suitcases in the middle of the room.

"Are you moving out? Be-because of what I've done?" - Peter got out of himself with stuttering. He was unable to stop the tears falling out of his eyes when he followed you through the flat.

"No. I'll back here in fall, but I need to get away from this place. And I would appreciate it if you'd leave now. Take the food, the flowers, and go home. Don't text me, don't call me, don't send me memes and kick me all of the text messages groups I'm in with you."

At that moment, Peter slowly felt his body melting into the wooden floor of your room. The world was spinning too fast for his liking, the colors were fading away as he watched you packing the food back without even touching it. You told him that you don't want to be in contact with him anymore. Slowly, his brain started to realize how much he fucked up, no matter how innocent his intentions originally were. Less I Know The Better Suddenly got a completely new meaning for him. At that moment, he was sure he won't stop crying that evening. Gently, he put the mask, packing his food into a plastic bag. - "And you should try your luck with that girl from physics. You seem to be getting along." - Was the last thing you told him, which was surely the metaphorical dagger in his back.

For a reason, you felt that it’s right and wrong at the same time. Seeing him leaving while he was broken was not making you happy at all, but... He got what he deserved. You couldn't just say whatever and close your eyes about being lied to for the last past three months. You still had feelings for him, obviously, but you hoped that these will go away soon enough.

"I just want you to know... Even if it ended how it ended... I think I love you." - Peter said before he jumped out, disappearing into the night, leaving you with a sigh on your lips and tears in your eyes. Why did he tell you such a thing? What the fuck were you supposed to do with it?

Because you did love him too, yet you weren't sure about forgiving... Not just yet.

As soon as Peter arrived home from a quick patrol, he barricaded in his room. This time, he locked himself in and sat on his bed, leaving the spandex on. May tried to get in, but after Peter asking her to leave, she left him alone. Not even ten minutes from that, Ned was calling Peter.

"Hey, buddy, it's going to be alright." - Ned said as soon as he heard the first sob. Peter... Was such an amazing guy. He was smart, brave, but still sensitive. Ned liked his best friend for that - but just as he was smart, he was utterly dumb in some things. Peter didn't tell him a word.

"But... We told you that this is how it's going to end. She already got out of all the text groups we had, she doesn't follow you on Instagram... MJ told me you were there today and that she knew it." - Ned whispered. He was, naturally, sad as well. You were both his best friends. And it just didn't feel good, seeing his friends parting their ways.

"This is not what I need now, Ned." - Peter got out as he laid down with sobs.

[eldritchsurveys]

957.

5k Survey LIV

2751. What's the most interesting assignment you ever had in school? >> I’m not sure. I hope people realise that my last moment in any kind of school was in December of 2005 (and my last moment in high school was June of 2004). I can barely be arsed to remember anything from 15 years ago unless it’s trauma-related. 2752. What's the most interesting thing you ever had to do for work? >> I thought working as a merch seller for local bands was very interesting. I had a lot of fun. 2753. Do you feel: insignifigant? unable to evoke change? like one person can't change the world? like one life and one person's suffering doesn't mean very much? If you answered yes to any of those can you describe why in detail? >> I, personally, feel insignificant fairly often, but that doesn’t extend to thinking that other people are also equally insignificant.  2754. Do you feel like you could contribute as much to society as ____ has? Albert Einstein: Abe Lincoln: Franz Kafka: Jesus Christ: >> Just because I already have self-esteem problems doesn’t mean I’m going to sit here and consciously make “do you have as much worth as these people” comparisons. 2755. Are you aware that your brain is the same size as Albert Einstein's brain? Do you realize that you have the same number of hours in a day as Abraham Lincoln? Did you know that Franz Kafka wrote all of his amazing litterature during his lunchbreaks at work? Did you know that we are all made of matter and that you are made of the Same Thing that Jesus was made of? Do you still believe that you couldn't contribute as much to society as they did? If yes than WHY? >> This is an immensely irritating line of questioning, I hope it’s over now.

2756. Is your mind in the gutter? >> My mind is not in the gutter. 2757. What do you have to complain about? >> Whatever I want to complain about. 2758. Do you remember rock n' roll radio? >> ... Yes? Pretty sure it still exists, regardless. 2759. Is there such a thing as a food that you burn more calories from digesting than you actually absorb from it? >> I don’t know, try google. 2760. Hey, if you've gotten this far than you and me go way back. We've been hanging out for a while now and I gotta know..do you like me? >> --- 2761. What are you doing, Dave? >> --- 2762. As far as love goes do you feel it is better to become complete before looking for someone or find someone who completes you? >> People are already complete, despite however they may feel about themselves. I don’t understand what it means to look for someone who “completes you”, that sounds immensely absurd to me. So I guess I can’t really answer this question except to say “I don’t think people should be thinking about relationships in these terms...” 2763. What attracts you about the opposite sex (or same sex, or both sexes)? >> --- 2764. Do you need people or do you not need anyone? >> Of course I need other people. The fact that I have an attachment disorder is a direct result of my inherent need for other people’s love and support going repeatedly ignored. Even besides that, I need other people to physically survive, because that’s how ecosystems work, and believe it or not, we are still part of nature and beholden to its cycles and systems. 2765. Is selfishness always bad? Is selflessness always good? >> No. 2766. Do you feel like your life is being controlled by a power structure? >> Of course certain elements of my life as a social creature are controlled by power structures. 2767. Can you name three things in society that send the message that being completely yourself and that looking inside yourself and contemplating what's within is a good thing? >> Sigh. 2768. Can you name three things in society that send the message that materialism and the accumulation of stuff is a good thing? >> The entirety of capitalism. 2769. What is more important, a picture or it's frame? What is more important, spirituality or religion? >> These questions truly do get more baffling as time goes on. 2770. How many definitions can you come up with for the wword 'fuck'? >> I don’t have to come up with definitions, google is right there. 2771. Is it less offensive when a black person says Nigger than when a white person says it? Why or why not? >> The context in which a Black person says it is often a far different context from the one in which a white person says it. So, yes. It usually is less offensive by default, unless the Black person being addressed is uncomfortable with the word even when used in a friendly context. 2772. Do you rationalize often? >> Rationalise what? 2773. Do you believe that america is an imperialist nation? >> I mean, yeah. 2774. Would you agree that: hot topic is the new abercrombie? pink is the new black: you are the new you? >> *stares dully* 2775. Do you have more internet or real life friends? >> I only have Internet friends. 2776. What IS the feeding of 5000? >> The what?? 2777. What's an easy way to make money? >> I don’t know. 2778. What's your favorite slang word and what does it mean? >> I don’t think I have a favourite slang word. 2779. Are you uncomfortable? >> Slightly, because of noise issues. 2780. Is anything definate besides death and taxes? >> Taxes aren’t definite for everyone, but death certainly is. I don’t know what else is that predictable. 2781. Would you rather live fast and die young or live slow and die old? >> Living slow sounds nice to me. However it ends. 2782. Can you name 4 people who have committed crimes against humanity? How do you think they live with themselves? >> Probably, but I don’t feel like it. I don’t care how they live with themselves. 2783. If you could imagine, pure fantasy, any God you could concieve, how would you want God to be? >> I can imagine any god I want to imagine. It’s really not that hard, there are already so many to choose from, even if just to use as a template. 2784. do you think the smashing pumpkins have a strong christian theme? >> I don’t know, I’ve never paid a whole lot of attention to their lyrics. Their songs just sound pretty. 2785. Do you think this survey has a strong christian theme? >> I didn’t think that. I hope I won’t have cause to think it in the future. 2786. Fill in the blank for yourself" Give me ____ or give me death! >> --- 2787. Have you ever heard of the USA patriotism act? Apparently they have passed laws making torture legal. Also the FBI can sneak and peek into ANYONE'S home. They don't have to ask or even tell you they were there. This is already the law. So, whaddaya think? >> I mean, yes, I know that. I live here. 2788. The people in power step all over the average citizen, trying to secure all the power and money for themselves and leave us with no rights and under their control. They have the audacity to do this because they know that we will not lift a finger to stop them. Are they right? >> I don’t know if they’re right or not. I’m also not sure what the fuck powerful-ass finger you think we common folk all have. 2789. The Free State Project is a plan in which 20,000 or more liberty-oriented people will move to a single state of the U.S. to secure there a free society. They will accomplish this by first reforming state law, opting out of federal mandates, and finally negotiating directly with the federal government for appropriate political autonomy. They want to be a community of freedom-loving individuals and families, and want to create a shining example of liberty for the rest of the nation and the world. What's your opinion? Could this work? Why or why not? >> Didn’t a bunch of libertarians want to do this at some point? Anyway, I don’t know if this could work or not. I don’t know nearly enough about any of the elements involved to have an informed opinion about the feasibility of this kind of project. It does sound plenty audacious, though (and way too vague). 2790. Have you ever seen the Neverending Story? Remember when Bastian has to prove his worth by looking in that mirror where you see yourself the way you really are with no pretenses, rationalizations or mental lying? Could you stand yourself if you looked into that mirror? >> I do remember that, vaguely. I wanted to rewatch this movie but then I didn’t get to it in time and HBO took it down :( Anyway, I don’t know if I could stand myself if I looked into a mirror like that. I can’t conceptualise what that experience would actually be like. 2791. What is soilent green? >> Oh, you know. (That’s another movie I’d like to rewatch, in fact.) 2792. What are you proud that you have never done? >> *shrug* 2793. What things are hopeless? >> *shrug* 2794. What Are People For? >> Making Soylent Green out of. 2795. What book do you feel could change someone's life? >> Any book could change someone’s life. 2796. Didja ever want to just walk up to the Bush administration and ask them, 'What the fuck?' >> No, I wasn’t really paying much attention to the administration during that time because I had a lot of personal issues taking up my immediate focus. But from what little I remember about it, it’d be a valid question to ask. 2797. How do you take your coffeee? >> Decaffeinated. 2798. Have you ever played: paintball? lazer tag? which is better? >> I’ve never played these. 2799. In what ways are you lucky? >> A lot of ways, I guess. A lot of fucked up shit has happened, but a fair amount of strangely fortuitous stuff has happened, too. Guess something has to even the other shit out. 2800. If Jesse Jackson wants reparations to be given to black people because he thinks that black people don't have equal opportunities in this country than why does he drive a Jaguar? >> “Black people don’t have equal opportunities in this country” is still a fact of life no matter what the fuck kind of car Jesse Jackson drives. Focusing on his personal “success” or whatever like that is just a diversion from the heart of the matter.

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

I've been struggling with the idea that God is perfect and I'd love to hear your thoughts on it. Between covid and racial injustice, I've been finding it harder and harder to believe that God is perfect. I know that a lot of these issues stem from human actions, but I just don't understand why God lets it happen, or why God made us this way. The worst part is, I don't know who to talk to about this. I can't bring myself to tell my mom I believe God is good but not perfect. (1/2)

I told God how I felt as soon as I felt it, even though it feels blasphemous or something. I still believe that God is ultimately good, but if we are made in God's image and are so deeply flawed, how can God be perfect? I kinda think that God is ultimately one of us, just trying their best. (2/2)

______

Hey there, anon. Thanks for reaching out; I’m happy to hear you’ve been able to tell God about your feelings and questions, and I pray They will guide you towards the answers you yearn for.

I will be honest with you and tell you that I certainly don’t have all the answers about why there is so much suffering and pain in the world if 1) God is perfect / all-powerful and  2) God is Good, loves us and longs for our flourishing. It’s something I wonder all the dang time! In fact, I even have a poem about how the first thing I’m gonna ask God is why suffering exists. 

I’ll share what I’ve been able to find on this issue of God’s role or lack thereof in suffering (often called “theodicy” by theologians) and welcome you to the journey!

_______

First things first, I recently responded to someone asking about whether it’s okay to question God by saying, yes! Indeed, asking questions of God and reconsidering what we’ve been told about God is a vital part of our faith lives and can enrich our relationship with God. 

So if you’re worried that it’s wrong of you to wonder about whether God’s perfect, that it’s blasphemy to consider it, see the ask for more on that.

_______

One other thing I’ll also say before getting into the meat of this post -- I invite you to reflect on what you mean when you talk about perfection. What does it mean to you to hear that God is or is not “perfect,” or that a human being is or is not “perfect”? 

Is it about omnipotence and/or omniscience, God’s ability to know and see and control everything? (This is the idea I’ll be focusing on most in this post.)

Is it God’s sinlessness? When you wonder whether God isn’t perfect, is that about God maybe being able to make mistakes, to mess up, to be wrong?

In biblical Greek, the word “perfect,” τέλειος, is more about completion or wholeness. When the New Testament speaks of God being “perfect,” therefore, it’s about how God is complete, not broken up, not lacking any part of their “essence,” of what makes God God. How does this idea of perfection play into your idea of God as perfect or imperfect? Must God be all-powerful in order to be whole or complete? 

And what are the consequences of God not being perfect? Of God being less than whole, or of God being capable of messing up, or of God not having full control over creation? How does that impact us as beings created in this God’s image, and as worshippers of this God? All stuff I invite you to reflect on over time! But let me get back to the point of this post before I go too far down this rabbit hole! 

_______ 

Time to share lots of posts with you that talk about this theodicy issue, this issue of God’s place in suffering:

This post offers a quick introduction to the issues at play in the question of theodicy -- including whether it’s possible to conclude that God is not as omnipresent or omniscient as we are told!

So, as you see, you are not by any means the first person to wonder whether God is “perfect” or omnipotent. 

This post goes into more detail about the idea of a self-limiting God. 

The asker to whom I respond is curious about how God’s omnipotence relates to human free will. I list out options for what we can believe about God based on the suffering we see around us -- that God isn’t actually all powerful; that God doesn’t actually care as much about us as we thought; or that God imposes limits on Her own power. 

Is [X bad thing happening] God’s will? -- more on God limiting Their own power because of how deeply They respect our free will. 

In this post, I describe my understanding of suffering as often being a result of God’s respect of our free will. I say that God grants humanity a whole heap of freedom. While yes, God has the power to control how every little thing turns out, we may reason that God does not exercise that power, does not choose to work as a puppetmaster over us, since that would mean that even acts of suffering are willed and caused by God. Free will gives us a hand in how events turn out.

This concept may be one you want to explore as you wonder why God made us as Xe did -- free beings who often misuse that freedom to harm ourselves or others, to exploit Creation, and so on. 

Is suffering a sign of us losing God’s favor? Does God ever turn Their back on us? 

To sum up that post, I argue that much of the suffering of the world is human-caused and systemic; to look at an issue and claim it means God is punishing us or turning God’s back on us denies our role in the suffering or the experiences of those who suffer for wrongs not their own. God is with us, God longs for justice and our freedom and prosperity, but we are the instruments that can work to end suffering both on individual and systemic levels. 

I think this speaks to your idea of God ultimately just being one of us and trying their best -- while that is not my own understanding of God, you and I share the idea that God is right here with us and struggling alongside us. 

A couple other posts of interest:

This quote talks about how God’s power doesn’t have to look like imperialist ideas of power -- if God is omnipotent, does that have to be about total control?

In this post I talk about how one reason many people, including many of the biblical authors, interpret suffering as a punishment from God or otherwise directly caused by God is that it helps them feel a sense of control over a situation that they are otherwise helpless to stop. There are other quotes about God’s self-limiting and co-suffering. 

A reflection on God’s place in grief

“Suffering is one of the places where God is most intimately present”

________

Hopefully exploring some of these linked resources will be useful to you as you continue to bring your questions to God! 

The last thing I’ll suggest to you since you are intrigued by the idea of a God who is ultimately one of us and just trying their best is to explore the humanity of Jesus, who is God incarnate as one of us. I’ve got a tag on #the human Jesus that can be a good place for you to start exploring! And you might enjoy how the Gospel of Mark really emphasizes Jesus’ humanity (as opposed to really honing in on his divinity). 

Feel free to come to me with more questions as you journey; it’s important for all of us to be able to share our questions not only with God but to be able to share them with one another. There is so much we can learn from each other. 

[let-me-love-you-loki]

Waking Up in Vegas--Ch. 22

Chapter 22: No Regrets, Just Love

Dean, Evening, 9:16 PM

           It broke my fucking heart to see Mera like this. She was curled up on the sofa, wrapped in every blanket we had in the house. Her amber eyes were bright with a fever, face flushed, hair slightly damp near her ears. She’d been sitting at 100 for two days now, unable to keep anything more than Gatorade down for long.

           She looked miserable.

           I sat on the edge of the coffee table, knocking several empty bottles to the floor. Mera glanced at me, exhaustion clear in her features.

           “Are you going to let me take you to the doctor now?” I asked as I made sure she was wrapped tight in the blankets. Even beneath all those layers, I could see her shiver every few minutes.

           A faint smile settled on her mouth. Even sick as a dog, she was beautiful. “No. I’ll be fine.”

           “Mera…” I was ready to beg. I was ready to plead with her on my knees to just get checked out. “You’re not fine.”

           She settled back against the cushions, sighing as she did. Every move she made was accompanied by a moan or whimper of pain and discomfort. The sound of it was a knife in my gut. It was enough to make my throat close in terror. My deepest fears rose to the surface as I thought of losing her.

           I slid down into the floor, perching on my knees next to her. Sweat slid beneath my fingers as I stroked her hair and tucked it behind her ears. Lead fell into my veins. It dropped into my stomach and into my lungs. Breathing was nearly impossible.

           “Please let me take you to the doctor.” I swallowed hard, focusing on her fever-bright eyes. “Please.”

 Mera, Evening, 9:20 PM

           I ached all over. From the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. Breathing was painful. Moving was agony. Even thinking shot discomfort through my nerves. My body was at once on fire and bathed in ice.

           “No,” I replied again. “It’s fine, Dean. I promise.”

           His eyes were glassy, like he was going to cry. I wanted to reach for him, to promise that everything would be okay, that all I needed was some rest. But the blankets were so comfortable, I was finally warm, and I didn’t feel like risking the flare of pain to move toward him.

           “What can I do?” he murmured, fingers smoothing through my sweat-matted hair. His voice cracked, then broke. “I’m helpless here, and it’s killing me, darlin’.”

           I forced myself to smile, to push past the ache in my neck to nuzzle into his touch. “There’s nothing you can do, my love. Or the doctors.” My chest screamed with agony as I sucked in a deep breath. “I’ve been lucky for a long time, but I guess I ran out.”

           His fingers stopped their gentle stroking. Fear—real terror—flashed in his blue eyes, turning them dark as tornado thunderclouds. A tremble ran through his limbs, I felt it in his fingertips against my ear.

           “Tell me what’s wrong.”

 Dean, Evening, 9:37 PM

           Suddenly, I couldn’t stop thinking about the first time I’d seen Mera. I remembered it as clearly as if I was playing a film of it in my head. She’d walked in to FCW right on Seth’s heels—of course, he’d been known as Tyler Black then—with those gorgeous molten gold eyes and a smile that knocked the breath out of me. Her hair had been short then, but it framed her face in a way that made it impossible to look away. She laughed, and I was drunk on it. She shook my hand and said my name, and I felt my heart beat for the first time.

           And now, after all this time, she was mine. Mine to cherish, to adore, to worship, to protect.

           But I couldn’t protect her from this. Not when her own body was tearing itself apart.

           “Lupus?” I said the word like I’d never heard it before. Something about it made me want to cringe, as if just saying it out loud made everything about it a reality. I knew what it was, but I didn’t know what it was.

           “Is it…” I stopped, couldn’t finish that sentence the way that it had framed itself in my head. I refused to think any more down that route. Instead, I tucked her more tightly in the blankets and tried to stuff down my fear. “Is it always this bad?”

           She stretched her legs out slowly, biting down hard on her lip to keep from letting me know how much it hurt. I wanted to take every ounce of her pain away. Jesus Christ, I’d suffer a million beatings, each more violent and agonizing than the last, if only it meant that she would never have to hurt again. I’d die to take her pain away, if only it didn’t take me away from her.

           “Not for a long time,” she replied softly. I watched the energy drain from her body. “Not for a… long time”

           Mera’s eyes fluttered closed, head lolling against the cushions at the back of the sofa. She let out a faint whimper as her limbs settled into place. Her chest rose and fell with her deep, slumbering breaths.

           I couldn’t imagine how much such a simple thing, something so vital, could give her so much agony. At least she slept, spared from the conscious feeling of her pain for at least a little while.

           For a moment, I thought about gathering her in my arms and taking her up to bed. But she looked peaceful for the first time all day, and I couldn’t bring myself to cause her any more discomfort. Instead, I pushed the coffee table out of the way and took a quick run upstairs. There would be no sleeping in the bed without Mera. There was no being so far away from her in case she needed me.

           I made up a nest of pillows and sheets on the floor just beside the sofa. My back would be killing me in the morning, but that didn’t matter. Mera mattered.

           She was all that mattered.

 Mera, Morning, 7:09 AM

           My limbs were stiff as I tried to sit up. I was so hot that I can feel the sweat slicking along my skin. It was uncomfortable and sticky and all I wanted was to take a shower, to be clean, to be able to move without aching and feeling my skin crusted with salty sweat.

           I sat up, faint echoes of pain popping in my joints. The flare had been horrible. It had been years since my body had turned on itself in such a violent way. Nothing could ever hurt as much as when it felt like I was being torn open from the inside out. My muscles were still weak, my head still throbbed faintly, but it seemed that the worst had passed.

           It took me a few minutes to realize that I wasn’t in our bed. And Dean was nowhere to be seen.

           After giving myself a moment to let my body catch up, I sat up, swinging my feet off the edge of the sofa. My toe bumped against something as my feet hit the floor. When I looked down, I nearly burst into tears.

           Dean was stretched out on a makeshift pallet of sheets and spare pillows. He had swaddled himself until the only things visible were his feet and his mussed chestnut hair. I sighed softly, wiping tears from my cheeks. I could hardly comprehend it—he’d slept the entire night in the floor.

           For me.

           The ruffled hair moved. A face appeared out from the top of the sheets. Dean’s blue eyes blinked open, sleep matting his lashes together. When he saw me sitting on the edge of the sofa, his mouth curved up in a smile.

           “Morning, darlin’,” he mumbled gruffly. His hand appeared, scrubbing over his face, attempted to tame his hair. “How you feeling?”

           I sighed softly, taking stock of my body… sensing for aches and pains, discomfort and fear. There was a faint uncomfortable stretch in my legs, a lingering ache in my elbows. Very little of the horrible sensation from last night was still there. It was near heavenly compared to the hell that was a flare up.

           “I’m functioning so far,” I replied, reaching out to soothe some of the hair from his face. He leaned into my palm with a faint purr. “It’s going to be a few days before I’m back to my old self.”

           Dean sat up, cursing as he extricated himself from his cocoon. He looked so adorable first thing in the morning, especially when he got caught up in the sheets. “Then you’re taking it easy until you are.”

Dean, Morning, 7:20 AM

           My back throbbed as I unfolded myself from the floor and sat next to Mera on the sofa. Her face had faded closer to her normal complexion. Her eyes weren’t glassy with fever, sweat didn’t coat her hair until it stuck to her skin. She looked a thousand times better than she had the night before.

           A realization struck me in the gut harder than anything I’d ever known. In those moments when she was in pain, when she could barely breathe without wanting to cry, when there was nothing I could do to take it away… I was terrified that she might slip straight through my fingers. I missed the way she smiled at me like no one else mattered. I missed how she said my name in a way that made her eyes light up.

           I missed her, the woman who had taken a half-drunken trip around Las Vegas with me, who had married me in a roadside chapel without a second thought. And I couldn’t imagine what my life would be like if she had been taken away from me. If I lost her…

           She was mine. Mera was everything to me—my heart, my soul, my lungs, the ground beneath my feet, the sky above me, and the air in my body.

           “Let me take care of you,” I whispered against her shoulder. I barely touched her, just the slip of my fingertips along her skin. “Tell me how I can help.”

           Her head turned toward me, those amber eyes wide and trusting. My soul ignited somewhere deep within me when she looked at me like that.

           “A hot bath would be a good place to start,” she said with an innocent smile that hooked into me, a cable dragging me toward her in space, a sure reminder that I was always hers.

_____________________________________________________________

Tag List

@mox-made-me-do-it @houndsofjxstice @lunatictoosweet @xbutterflius-effectusx @mother-forker @instantboquetdestinysblog

[exvangelical]

there’s something i need to articulate very badly, but i don’t really know how.

basically, i’m feeling just really... shitty about my sexuality and most things about myself in general lately. this time last year, when i first realized i liked girls as well as guys (at the time i said i was bisexual, hence why some old posts on this blog are tagged stuff like “bi blues.” i’m okay with people saying i’m bi, even though queer is my preferred identity, but i’ve gained about 200 followers since then so i wanted to explain a little), i felt super empowered by it. but now, almost exactly a year later, everything about it hurts.

i think it has to do with this being the first pride month i’ve gone through queer and being super closeted the entire time. not only that, but two people i’ve really admired and looked up to for several years (d/an and p/hil) have come out within a couple weeks of each other. and i’m super happy for them, i really am. but every time someone says “be yourself!” it drives a dagger in my heart because i know that i never will be able to be myself. it hurts so badly that it makes me mad at the people giving me this advice, because in the part of my brain that i allow to think bad thoughts, it’s bullshit. how could they say that? not everyone has a family that’s accepting and unconditionally loving! fuck you!! (i know these thoughts are cruel and unfair, but i can’t help it these days.)

i’m a queer woman in a hardcore evangelical fundamentalist family. every single one of them is anti-lgbt. some are more vocal and angry about it than others, but none of them are supportive. the day i come out is the day, at best, i become the annoying “libtard” cousin and, at worst, i am excommunicated from the family. there’s no happy ending, there’s no “we’ll always love and support you!” for me. just suffering and loneliness.

and the thing is, it makes me so. goddamn. angry. i didn’t ask to be born. i didn’t ask for bigoted family members. i didn’t ask to be queer. these are things that just happened to me, and now i’m essentially being punished for it. 

and outside of that, it’s not like being any kind of gay is easy. there’s so much scrutiny and politics with it all, and i don’t like being politicized. i know this is a hot take on tumblr dot com, but jesus christ i hate politics so much. but my queerness is so fucking politicized both within the gay community and outside of it that i’d never be able to escape it. every time i hear “pride started off as a riot and it can turn back into one if we have to!” i cringe and want to run from my sexuality even more. i’m grateful to the people who fought for the few legal rights i do have, but i’m not interested in being a brick thrower at stonewall 2.0. sorry if that’s a controversial opinion. (also, before anyone puts words in my mouth: i love and support all trans people. trans women are women, trans men are men, fuck terfs, amen.)

i just like girls. that’s all i know. i know that there’s nothing bad about that, but i feel guilty and i hurt all the time when i even think about it for longer than a second. on top of that, i’m irritable all the time because i’m depressed and anxious, my deeply unhealthy coping mechanism (maladaptive daydreaming) is hurting me more and more the older i get, and everything about life feels like it’s shifting beneath my feet. like, pretty soon, i won’t have a leg to stand on and i’ll completely collapse. worst of all: my religious trauma brain tells me it’s god trying to force me back into christianity. after all, he chastens those he loves, and i was saved once, right?

i’m broken and exhausted and angry and scared. i don’t know what to do anymore.

happy pride.

[wolfpawn]

Life is a Game of Risks, Chapter 61

Chapter Summary - Tom and Alexianna decide it is time to tell the people closest to them, starting with Emma and Benedict. Whilst talking Ben sees something is bothering Tom and decides to get him to open up to him before he says something that could cause consternation between himself and Alexianna if Tom let it to fester.

WARNING - CONTAINS REFERENCES TO PAST POST-NATAL DEPRESSION

TRIGGERS - Past domestic abuse, Past emotional abuse, Past sexual abuse.

Previous Chapter

Tags: @damalseer @hiddlesbitch1 @winterisakiller @theoneanna

Request if you wish to be tagged

Alexianna smiled and watched as Tom went to the front door to answer it. She was officially ten weeks, their baby was healthy and doing well according to the hospital, so, with her stomach starting to show ever so slightly, they decided to tell their family, Emma and Jack being first.

Lily was in school. They decided they would tell her after the twenty-week scan, if they could get that far without her noticing. Twenty weeks was an incredibly long time for a young child, thirty was a lifetime at that age, so they did not want to tell her yet.

Truthfully, Alexianna was a little scared to tell Emma, she did not want her friend to feel as though they were taking from her pregnancy. Tom dismissed her worries as nothing but she still fretted. With a gentle hand over their baby, he kissed her and told her it would be fine before the knock came and he answered the door.

When Emma entered, she embraced her friend tightly. “I was starting to feel you were avoiding me.”

“I've had a lot of college and work stuff of late, it's been very hard to juggle everything,” Alexianna explained. It was true, she had been juggling a lot. The job did not work out, the interview process was brutal and she did not get through. She was disappointed but as always, Tom was supportive and she decided, with the baby coming, she would focus on finishing college and having the baby, then apply to more places. “Look at you, you look amazing. How are you feeling?” Alexianna looked to Emma's small baby bump which was bigger than hers. “I'll get everyone some tea.”

“Actually, I’m really good, bar being sick randomly, but it is getting less frequent and the tiredness has stopped, I'm not feeling so bad these days. I'm relieved I am so close to halfway through this. ”

“Lexi finds Liga the best thing to stave off morning sickness, they really work, we've bought about six packets in three days.” Tom made the comment nonchalantly, smiling as though there was nothing of any note about the words he just stated.

Jack's face filled with confusion at the comment, he looked between Tom and Alexianna, noting Tom's grin and Alexianna's attempt to hide her smirk as she made the tea.

Emma spent a moment longer processing his words before looking at her brother who gave her the biggest smirk he could muster before she looked at a coy looking Alexianna. “You're pregnant?”

“Ten weeks,” Alexianna confessed.

Emma barely inhaled before she emitted a high pitched squeal that hurt everyone's ears, including her own. “We are having babies seven weeks apart, are you serious? Please tell me you're not lying. You're actually having a baby as well?” She rushed over and pulled Alexianna to her again. “This is the best news ever. Oh my, God.” She then went to her brother and embraced him. “Congratulations, both of you.”

“Thank you.”

“Wait, did you know this at Christmas?”

“We found out Christmas Eve. Lexi gave me the most incredible gift.” Tom beamed over to her. “This is incredible, for both of the babies to have someone so close in age to them. When Evan and I were kids, because we were the closest in age, we had the best time of all the cousins. Our children will be the same. Lily and Sophia are really close and our kids will be close. If these two are the same gender...they'll be as close.” He hugged his sister. “This is incredible.”

“You're the most excited out if everyone.” Emma laughed. Tom beamed even more proudly. “So, who knows?”

“You and Mum. She found Lexi's vitamins and added that to our shocked behaviour on Christmas Eve.” Tom explained.

“And she's happy?” Emma shook her head and laughed. “What am I saying, of course, she is. This is so incredible. Are you finding out the gender at the scan?”

“We haven't even talked about that yet.” Tom had not even considered it.

“I'm also very suspicious of them. I mean, our son is a daughter.” Alexianna laughed.

“It had two options and was wrong. We won't paint the room pink and drop three thousand on baby clothes,” Jack added. “Congratulations to you both by the way.” He gave Tom a hug then went to Alexianna, eyeing her carefully. “You don't throw up easily, do you?”

“No, I am at my worst in the evening. As Tom said, I am just stuffing myself with Liga and Rusks.” She smiled. “It works for me.” He gave her a hug.

“We can leave these two have an afternoon together when they’re born and we can suffer together.” Tom joked to Jack.

“Translation, you'll go to your mother's.” Alexianna laughed. Tom gave her a hurt look. “No, you are a great father but Lily is older, little babies will be harder.”

“This is hilarious, you'll be giving me advice about being pregnant because you did it before, and a few weeks after that, you will be going through it all again too.”

They spoke and laughed for a while before it came time for Emma to go prepare for work.

“I am so glad you’re not mad. I didn’t want you to think we were trying to take from your pregnancy in any way.” Alexianna confessed as they were getting ready to leave.

Emma, like Tom, knew better than to simply dismiss her concerns, knowing as well as he did that as much as she had grown, Alexianna was prone to odd thoughts on occasion. “What, no. This is amazing.” Her friend dismissed. “I get to be a mum and have a new niece or nephew in one summer.”

“At least this gets you a great excuse not to feel awkward declining to look after our two, you’ll be busy with your own,” Tom commented.

“Mum is going to never be home. Honestly, between these two, and Sophie and Lily, it’s going to be madness.” Emma noted. “God, this is weird. I am having a baby weeks before my best friend growing up has one with my brother...wow. It’s like some weird TV show.” She walked over to Alexianna and hugged her again “So, Liga, you couldn’t have told me that one?”

“I did, you went on about not being a baby, remember?” *

Tom watched as Ben looked almost lost between his bickering sons. Hal had the audacity to take the crayon Kit had been in no way interested in as he had been playing with blocks, so naturally, on seeing his brother with the crayon, Kit was convinced he was using it and he needed it more than oxygen. “A good day then?” Tom asked.

“I am going insane. If I was asked to go narrate a documentary on paint drying right now, I would ask if they wanted me to do a three part series.” Tom erupted in laughter at the other man’s words. “I am jealous of you some days, just swanning around as you do.”

“I have Lily.”

“She lives with her Mum, you get a break.”

“They will be living with me soon, or me with them, so no break then.”

“You’re moving in together?”

“We are.” Tom nodded.

“Congratulations.” Ben was genuinely happy for Tom. He had been suspicious at first of Alexianna, he did not want someone making a fool of Tom, or wanting to use him to fund them through life. But he saw how Alexianna was. How adamant she was that Tom never feel pressurized to tend to her and her daughter. She made Tom so happy, her and Lily. He truly was happy for them. “What spurred this on then?”

“Well, we want to be settled before the baby comes. It wouldn’t be fair to Alexianna.” He watched as Ben’s eyes widened. “Alexianna and I are having a baby.”

“But...you said she didn’t want to have another child?”

“She didn’t, she was shocked when it happened.”

“How did it happen?”

“I doubt I need to tell you how I got my girlfriend pregnant.”

“No, I am not stupid, Tom. You know what I mean,” Ben growled.

“We have no idea.”

“You have to have some. Were you sloppy one evening?”

“No, I always took care of my side of things and Alexianna ensured them on hers.” Ben had no inkling as to what he was talking about. “We used two preventions, both failed.”

“Both...Jesus, I thought we were bad when Sophie got pregnant with Kit, but two contraceptive methods to fail, you can’t even blame one of you.”

“There’s no blame. It happened, we are dealing with it, we are very happy.” Tom's face told of his elated joy at the news.

“Are you?” Tom nodded. “Well, then, congratulations.” Ben got up and embraced his friend. “And give my congratulations to Alexianna too. As long as you two are happy, and Lily of course, then this is wonderful. How are your parents about it?”

“Mum is delighted, over the moon really. Emma is seventeen weeks pregnant, so two grandchildren this summer, so she's very happy with that. Emma's happy because she has her best friend having a baby two months after.”

“Wait, your sister is pregnant too?”

“She announced it Christmas Day,” Tom stated.

“Did Alexianna know this?”

“Apparently she knew they were trying to plan for a baby, why?”

“And you're sure Alexianna didn't want another one?”

“Ben, I only knew she was pregnant because I found the paper pamphlet that goes in the box, she had hidden the box and test from me, she never planned to tell me and just...deal with it in London herself without my knowing.” Ben's eyes widened. In truth, Tom had wanted to discuss Alexianna's previous plan for the baby. “She broke down crying when I asked her what it was, apologising and telling me she'd already researched the closest clinic.”

Seeing that it in some manner was bothering Tom, Ben realised it was true. “What changed? Surely you don't go from not wanting to have any more children to being incredibly excited to have one very quickly?”

“We talked it over, we listed why things were not ideal now and could they possibly be overcome. Her main concern was work and college, but of course, she is entitled to maternity leave and her final exams are in May, so that's doable, it is not easy because she is suffering morning sickness, but doable. She took time to consider everything, I told her I would support her regardless and thankfully, she said she wanted to keep it.”

“You wanted it?”

“Yes.” Ben was startled by that. “Why wouldn’t I? I love Lily, I always stated that I wanted children. I love Alexianna, I agree with her way of choosing to raise children.”

“How are you with it all? Her thinking to go through with the other option?” Ben could still see there was some part of it bothering Tom. Tom said nothing. “Look, it is clearly bothering you, so either say it here to me, where it goes no further or risk it coming out at the wrong time or festering in you. Neither of those is healthy.”

Tom looked at Hal and Kit, who had foregone their previous argument to chase each other with toy cars along the couch nearby. “I just felt so angry.”

“That she would think to do that?”

Tom bit his lips together for a moment, worried that if he said the next sentence, would it mean he was a terrible person. “For considering that for our child but having his.” He awaited Ben’s judgement.

For his part, Ben took a moment to consider Tom’s statement before answering. “I understand what you're saying, I do but did you ever consider she considered that then too? That she couldn’t because of the control he had on her.” Ben had been made aware of a lot of the issues Alexianna suffered through in her marriage. “You said he used the pregnancy as a form of control of her. I know she loves that little girl, I have seen how much so and she most certainly would die for her, but I do not think for one minute she would have thought any differently before, the only difference being, this time she was allowed decide for herself if she wanted to continue the pregnancy, with your support regardless, which in turn, unlike what you said about her being miserable when carrying Lily, has meant she is embracing it more and can actually look forward to motherhood this time.” Ben pointed out. Tom’s stared at him silently. “I could be entirely wrong, of course, but on the outside looking in, it seems to be some bit logical that this is in no manner indicative of how she views you as a potential father to her children but rather how she viewed the situation based on her past experience.” Tom nodded pensively. “You never stated how was your father with this information?”

Tom inhaled deeply. “I haven’t told him yet.”

“Is there a reason for that?”

“He is more stern about things than Mum.”

“In what manner?”

“Children should be born into a married home, it’s more stable.” He responded in his father’s Scottish accent. “Irony of ironies, as his marriage did not last.”

“Well, have you planned to ask her?” Tom looked at his friend. “Kit rushed us along, you know that.”

Tom said nothing in return, he merely thought over his friend’s words.

[sophoreads]

Annotation notes for Wicked Saints

Attached under the cut are my word-for-word annotation notes pulled straight from my copy of Wicked Saints. Check out my previous post and goodreads review before reading the annotation notes.

I only decided to start annotating this book 115 pages in, because I realized that there were so many problems I was complaining about to my friend Sophie over text that I thought “Hey, I’d better write this shit down so I have receipts/can easily reference my thoughts.” I’d never really done annotations before, so I pulled out a new pack of sticky notes and color tabs that someone gave to me for free when I was in college and got to work. I ran out of sticky notes (started a new pad) and yellow tabs (borrowed last few from a weird tab/highlighter I found at the bottom of my college study stuff bin). I also got so frustrated I had to put the book down several times, because I’d paid eighteen dollars to pre-order this fucking garbage.

Pg 115 Pink tab – Character note --Bitch do you want to kill him or not? This is like bad Reylo fic— (Nadya being ~~inexplicably~~ held back from killing Mal, because she really wants to kill Mal, but just CANT for SOME REASON)

pg 123 Yellow tab – writing/literacy/grammar note --no note written— “He braced himself for the inevitable summons from his father. It arrived immediately by way of servant wearing a plain brown mask that left only his eyes visible. One of his father’s personal servants.”

Pg 137 Yellow tab – writing/literacy/grammar note --WTF is “it commanded attention”?! This whole throne bit is needlessly over-explanatory and could be fixed by adhering to golden rule “show, don’t tell”—

pg 139 Yellow tab --you don’t have to repeat the same thing twice!— “…Serefin paused, swallowing down the anxiety threatening to choke him. He was suddenly unspeakably nervous.”

Pg 140 Yellow tab --you just said they didn’t know who it was and now, not even a page later, you’re literally describing Mal and saying you DO know who it was?! WHO TF EDITED THIS SHIT— (Izak telling Serefin that they don’t know the vulture who escaped, then the vulture lurking behind him describing the backstory of the vulture who escaped)

pg 145 pink tab --what, is she Canadian now?— “You’ve realized your father isn’t so good a father to you, eh?” she [Pelayega] asked.

Pg 146 Yellow tab --For all that Duncan over-explains things in this story I still don’t fucking understand the High/Low prince thing??? Not once has she gone into it. And what the fuck is a slavhka?— (in reference to the first mention of there being “low princes”)

pg 148 Blue tab – Plot note --Why is the church still standing they LITERALLY TORE IT DOWN! THIS PART OF IT COLLAPSED!!!— (in reference to parijahan lying on top of pillows in the church Mal and Nadya just destroyed to get rid of the Vultures)

pg 153 Yellow tab --Are we really still saying “invalid” in the year of our unbridled insanity 2019?— “…Your mother, Estera, is an invalid…” (Mal making up a fake background for Nadya)

pg 153 Blue tab --SINCE WHEN DOES HE HAVE TATTOOS ON HIS HANDS— (in reference to the very first mention of Mal having tattoos on his hands, 153 pages into the story)

pg 155 Pink tab --Anna is so flat a character she could be removed from the whole book and not one thing would change— (in reference to Anna deciding to leave the group to re-join Kalyazi forces. I hold by this statement because Anna had no fucking role in the end of the book, and was therefore a useless character throughout)

pg 157 Pink tab --I’m sorry are we ETHNIC CLEANSING?! IS THIS WHAT WE ARE ENDORSING?! WTF?— “…then we can cleanse Kalyazin of the heretics entirely”

pg 163 Blue tab --this is the first we are hearing about any hierarchy in the vultures, which we should have read many chapters ago, not just when convenient for the author/plot— (in reference to first mention of Crimson Vulture)

pg 164 Yellow tab/Blue tab (overlapping domains) --Inches? FRACTIONS? IN THIS ECONOMY?!— (what is math in medieval Poland)

pg 167 Yellow tab --Still have not defined nobility and what makes a family “noble” or slavhka or whatever “low prince/royalty” or some shit— (In reference to yet another mention of low princes/royalty and somehow differentiating them from slavhka)

pg 168 Blue tab --I am more interested in gay Romeo/Juliet in a blood mage society than I am the entire plot of Wicked Saints— --Also this interaction feels cringey and thrown in for…no real reason?— “You’ve missed so much! Did you know that Nikodem Stachowicz was caught in the palace archives with the youngest Osadik boy?” (Zaneta)

pg 170 Yellow tab --FIRE YOUR COPY EDITOR— He shrugged, burying his tattooed hands in his pockets. “It binds over time, magic does. Especially blood magic. It’s so accessible. You don’t have to have a true affinity for it…” (Mostly I got furious over the fact that we’re only just getting Mal’s tattoo hands, which was obviously written in as an afterthought for his character partway through the writing process and not retconned into the story. I also just hate the sentence “it binds over time, magic does.”)

Pg 170 Yellow tab --Page 170: “walked on” Page 177: on horseback. WHAT IS THE TRUTH?— “Malachiasz stopped to wait for Nadya while the others walked on ahead” (this note coincides with a future note)

pg 173 Orange tab – blatant parallels to and lifts from Dragon Age franchise --you get a special shame-color for copying Dragon Age (also WHAT IS YOUR MAGIC STRUCTURE HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE) (it’s just bad writing)— “He was referring to witches—apostate magic users outside the gods’ approval—but there had been no witches in Kalyazin for decades. Their route of magic was considered just as heretical as blood magic…”

pg 176 yellow tab --Emily A Duncan focuses [more] on the little actions of Malacheezit than she does for any other character and it hurts the story— (specific reference to line “He fidgeted, fingers picking at a hang nail” interjected in dialogue. This action-dialogue tag does no service to the story at all.)

Pg 177 Pink tab --What the fuck? Is this about Holy War or is this a romance fantasy? (note the order: not “fantasy romance”)— “In a flash, his hand was underneath her chin, thumb brushing against her jaw…If Nadya hadn’t been sitting down she suspected her knees would have given out on her.”

Pg 177 Yellow tab --SINCE WHEN DO THEY HAVE FUCKING HORSES?! FIRE ALL YOUR EDITORS FIRE THE PUBLISHER— “Nadya let her horse wander instead of tying it up, sending a short prayer up to Vaclav to keep an eye on the animal so it didn’t stray too far.” (These horses were never mentioned before (note connects to a prev. note) and were never mentioned again after this. I literally cannot fathom how or why this book made it to final printing in this state.)

Pg 183 Pink tab --All this romance shit seems so forced for both Nadya and mal. I see no actual attraction on either party?— (I’m not recording the second note as it is a crude remark against the author, a remark of which I still stand by, but would be damaging to both her and myself. However, the emotion of the second note follows the concept of “anyone who knew what they were talking about wouldn’t write this kind of bullshit.”)

Pg 185 Yellow tab --“Per se”? I’m sorry is there LATIN in this world? (it’s bad writing)— “He wasn’t putting it off per se, he…”

pg 186 yellow tab --“It was fitting THAT assassins…” ugh— “It was fitting assassins chose to strike that same evening” (Doesn’t the author have a masters degree? And works in a library? How is her writing this chopped and sloppy, omitting crucial subject/action markers?)

Pg 198 Blue tab --Jesus, are prostitutes of war a NORMAL THING? WE SHOULD BE SAVING THESE POOR WOMEN— “The girl is…” He faltered, convincingly. “Well, you understand.” He winked at the soldier. (the soldier doesn’t even remark on Nadya’s sex slave status) (Also I realize that “prostitutes of war” is not the correct vernacular, however I’m committed to giving you my direct and exact notes. I know that they are slaves of war, sex slaves specifically, and do not receive true compensation or reparation for their suffering.)

Pg 201 Pink tab --HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT NOBLES? YOU LIVED YOUR WHOLE LIFE IN A MONASTERY!— “Nobles are nobles,” she [Nadya] said waving a hand. “Regardless of where they come from. The pettiness of court transcends all cultural boundaries.”

Pg 202 Blue tab --WHAT THE FUCK? EXPLAIN YOUR MAGIC/MYTHS— (referencing the blasé and brief mention of Wolf Changers, which we never hear about again)

pg 203 blue tab --WHAT NECKLACE? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?— --Oh, that necklace, that was mentioned in the first chapter, forgotten, reintroduced the following chapter, then COMPLETELY forgotten again! Bad writing. Bad props.— “Her prayer beads were safely in her pocket, so she clutched at the necklace Kostya had given her.”

Pg 205 Blue tab --Is her accent suddenly better?— (reference to previous statements of Nadya having a terrible travanian accent, hence the sex slave thing to the border guard so she doesn’t have to talk, but now she’s talking and there was no reference to her improving her accent at all or even working on it.)

pg 207 yellow tab --I can see Emily has a kink for masks + chin grabbing— “He [Serefin] reached out and took her chin in his hand, lifting her face up to his” (Mal has also done this to Nadya countless times and she orgasms almost every time.)

Pg 209 Orange tab --The veil, yet another stolen Dragon Age concept!— “…closed her eyes, letting herself feel the invisible wall separating gods from men. She felt it the moment they had stepped into Tranavia, the weight of the veil pressing down against her, choking off her only access to the divine.” (This is also the very first reference to any such veil being in place. It took 209 pages for this to be mentioned, in a book chock full of a girl talking to gods in her head. Also, they’ve been in Tranavia for awhile. Why wasn’t this mentioned when they first stepped foot inside? (because it’s bad writing))

Pg 209 Pink tab --Nadya’s powers seem almost limitless at this point— “Holy speech whispered through her head and she moved to disassemble the spells woven through the walls. She couldn’t take them apart completely— someone would notice, precautions in place—she was just making them fuzzy, bleeding them out. She dulled them so any information imparted back to the mages who set them would appear mundane.” (If Nadya’s powers (at this point in the book) are tied to the gods, there is no mention of which god provides these powers. If this is meant to foreshadow that Nadya has her own powers, it’s a lazy job. It’s simply overpowered and oversimplified. )

Pg 210 [no tab just a sticky] --oh FINALLY we hear how they met!— “I’ve known him [Rashid] my whole life. And we crashed into Malachiasz about six months ago after getting into trouble with some off-duty Kalyazi soldiers.”

Pg 214 [no tab just a sticky] --also can we acknowledge the whole “brown girl serves a white girl” thing because WOW— (in reference to Parijahan playing handmaiden to Nadya at the palace)

pg 215 Pink tab --“Couldn’t worry about the prince”? wasn’t HE the one she wanted to kill in revenge for Kostya? (IS THAT ALL FORGOTTEN NOW?)

pg 216 Pink tab --First Zaneta is Indian [coded] and now she’s black [coded]? WHAT?— “…a tall girl with luminous skin like onyx threaded with gold…her spiral curls fanned out around her head like a halo.”

Pg 217 Orange tab --The game? Court intrigue? Masks? This all reeks of Orlais and direct theft from Dragon Age— (in reference to basically the whole castle competition, masks, etc)

pg 217 Yellow tab --And now we’re switching perspectives mid-chapter? Just start a new chapter!— (in reference to the very first mid-chapter perspective switch, which will occur more from here on out)

pg 232 yellow tab --I am so sick of these italicized words without any translation or description— (in reference to szitelka which I still DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS)

pg 233 pink tab --what the fuck is Nadya’s perspective? Does she want to kill all Tranavians or not? Emily make up your fucking mind— (in reference to Nadya getting pissed at Mal for killing the other blood mage girl in Nadya’s duel, so that Nadya wouldn’t die and the duel would end)

pg 234 pink tab --literally when has Nadya worried about his safety, esp. when she’s the one always threatening to kill him?— “She hadn’t forgotten, not even while she found herself worrying about his safety and wanting him by her side.”

Pg 235 Pink tab --oh FINALLY we get a description of his tattoos! 235 PAGES IN!!!! BULLSHIT YOU HACK WRITER!— “She found her eyes drawn to the tattoos on his long, elegant fingers. They were simple, straight lines: two on either side of each finger and one down the back that started at the bed of each fingernail and ended at his wrist in a single black bar.” (I literally vomited in my mouth when I read this)

Pg 238 Pink tab --Oh so Mal can’t murder to save you but you can murder Tranavians and its fucking justified? Nadya is such a bad Nazi char.— “It’s not an apology for murdering that girl, she noted. But it was a start. It was something from this boy who obviously had no morals and no regard for anything that didn’t serve his own interests.” (Nadya is the worst hypocrite and I want to punch her in the face)

Pg 239 Yellow tab --Hanged? Since when? Has hanging? Been a threat? Ever? In this world?— “…or else this whole mess of a plan will go up in smoke and we’ll all be hanged for it.”

Pg 240 Pink tab (this is another omitted note because it is a crude comment in part against the author, but the other half does say that Nadya is such a virgin and that I am second-hand embarrassed because this book and the “romance” scenes are so bad)

pg 242 blue tab --If Nadya used blood magic, why don’t the gods cut off her powers for her heresy? It would only make sense— (this is just a general comment on the chapter and how, after the duel and Nadya used blood magic, her gods were still talking to her. This is also before we find out that Nadya has her own powers)

pg 247 yellow tab --the way this is lazily written we’re supposed to assume it’s Ostiya at the door. Could be written much better (all of this could be written much better)— “Serefin hastily wrapped his still-bleeding hand with cloth while Kacper got the door. Ostiya blinked her single eye at the sight of both of them.”

Pg 248 Blue tab --“delicate gov[ernmen]t? we don’t even know how  the gov’t is even structured!— “This was too far. It would crumble Travania’s already delicate government.”

Pg 259 Blue tab --Oh good, a love triangle. Good to know Nadya’s type is “blood mage  tortured/charming boy” that grabs chin + kisses hands— “…and wasn’t sure what to do with this charmingly awkward boy. That he was one of the most powerful blood mages in Tranavia...She wavered too much already; she couldn’t allow herself to feel any more.”

Pg 260 Pink tab --Literally all that Parijahan does is be soft + comforting? That is literally all she does to Mal + Nadya + Rashid?— “Nadya usually didn’t see this side of Parijahan. It relieved her to see there was a warm softness to Parijahan’s flinty gaze.”

Pg 270 Blue tab --What do you mean? When did you mention that the gods had withdrawn their power from Nadya?— “She had no magic. She had nothing. She had no hope without her gods.”

Pg 275 Blue tab --But they would abandon her for using blood magic you dumbass— “The gods wouldn’t have abandoned her. Not for a few doubts, not for kissing a heretic—not even that.”

Pg 278 Blue tab --Okay this is actually a really cool scene— (when Nadya is first using blood with the pendant to see her way out of the room the rogue Vultures locked her in)

pg 280 blue tab --Calls her “little bird” is this Mal?— (referencing this unnamed god that Nadya is talking to via Kostya’s necklace)

pg 287 yellow tab --sloppy transition makes it seem as though a new person is talking— (Basically for the next two pages Emily incorrectly punctuates her paragraph breaks while Pelayega is talking.)

Pg 294 Orange tab --Velyos=Solas=Mal? Oh my god is this whole plot a regurgitation of DA:Inquisition/Trespasser?— “Have you heard of him? I suppose not. The veil went up, Velyos broke away. Your gods were probably relieved, but here he is once more...”

pg 298 blue tab --fucking called it (“acted like he was dead”? Literally said before that he was “sent to the country”)— (in reference to Serefin seeing Mal and discovering that his cousin is the Black Vulture. Previously, a not so subtle mention of a nameless male cousin of Serefin’s was “sent to the country” when he was young. I immediately pegged it as being Mal. But now it is written that Serefin was led to believe that his cousin died? The inconsistencies are rife.)

pg 308 pink tab --Does Nadya literally have no self control or sense of morality (for her own morals)? What the fuck is this?— “Then her traitorous, heretical hands betrayed her as she reached up and wove them into his hair, pulling his face down to hers and kissing him. Because she was angry with him, furious with his lies, but not even her anger was enough to cool the burning she felt when he was near; the heat that spread through her nerves when he touched her.”

Pg 308 Pink tab --ooh power shift, she’s doing the chin-grabbing now!— “She took his chin in her hand, directing his gaze down to hers.”

Pg 309 Blue tab --except for the vultures that kidnapped her? What about them?!— “Go to the cathedral when you’re finished here,” he said. “None of the Vultures will give you any trouble.”

Pg 313 Pink tab --Didn’t want the fate of nations? She LITERALLY came here to topple the monarchy and uproot Tranavia and start a mass ethinic cleansing— “She was only one girl; she didn’t want the fate of nations resting on her decisions.”

Pg 314 Pink tab --YOU CAN’T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS YOU DUMB BITCH— [the dumb bitch being Nadya] “The war took something important to me,” she said, fingering Kostya’s necklace unconsciously. She couldn’t think about how it had been Serefin who had led that attack. (Nadya literally forgets and completely forgives Serefin for what she believes is Kostya’s murder (we know that Kostya wasn’t killed by Serefin but his BABY BRO WAS). Like, wasn’t Kostya super important to her? And she tried to kill Serefin in revenge but Mal stopped her? And in literally less than a week she totally forgets about it?)

Pg 318 Pink tab --Honestly, Mal deserves better than Nadya. He’s clearly doing his best and she’s just being racist and unwavering.— He opened his mouth, at a loss for words. Finally, he asked, “Will it always be like this?” Would it? She couldn’t say. Would she ever be comfortable with what he was? Or would it always be this constant hot and cold, friends one second and enemies the next? “I don’t know.” (Nadya is so abusive in this whole relationship I feel bad for Mal)

pg 321 yellow tab --He literally said he only told her the truth?! Mal has literally not told one lie?— “He was a liar and she wanted his truths”

pg 322 yellow tab --The whole order of this scene description + the characters is clunky and wrong— (no further comment really, that pretty much explains it)

pg 326 pink tab --Did she literally forget about Kostya? Did Nadya literally just forgive Serefin b/c she thinks he’s cute and tortured? LITERALLY? WHY?— “Serefin. He’s good,” She nuzzled his chest. “I like him. He should live.”

Pg 327 Blue tab --Can Serefin suddenly write his own spells now?! I thought only Mal could do that— “As he sat down at his desk with spells sprawled out in front of him, blood still drying on the pages, he couldn’t shake the feeling…”

pg 335 pink tab --That’s right, bitch! You’re damn nigh abusive to him and for some reason he keeps coming back! I don’t know why since you have the personality of a Nazi but for some reason Mal just really wants to fuck you!— “How could she be the only good thing to happen to him? She had almost slit his throat, had hung him off a railing. She didn’t even trust him, not really.”

Pg 351 Blue tab --since when have we seen a fucking calendar system?— “…turned the tide of a battle in 625 when…” (this is a “Vasiliev’s Book of Saints” entry for chapter 33. There is one more reference to a year in an earlier codex entry (tsk another Dragon Age ripoff) for something like 15XX. We don’t know what year it is, nor do we know when/why they started counting. Maybe it’s not critical for the story but it IS critical if you’re bringing it up.)

pg 357 orange tab --Literally Solas’s plot in Trespasser— “She bit back a cry of pain and shoved her magic harder up at the veil. If this was when she died, then fine. Fine. She would tear this veil down first and bring the gods back to Tranavia with her dying breath.”

Pg 360 Blue tab --How did she get here? Already? These scenes are so lazy, show me Nadya scrambling up the dais to Mal’s waiting neck— “He idly spun a chalice on the armrest and Serefin watched as the cleric stood and darted for a dagger that reseted a few steps away. It was time to test just what he could do with this power. (now it’s Nadya’s POV) Malachiasz’s eyes closed. He tilted his head back, baring his throat to Nadya’s blade.”

Pg 363 Yellow tab --Did we just miss Serefin fighting his father for Nadya’s sexy threatening? Was that really a real choice the author made?— (Nadya looks over at Serefin) “Serefin was on his knees, hunched over in pain, blood oozing from his head, one hand white-knuckled on the ground holding him up. Dead moths littered the floor around him. The stars around his head began to flicker out.”

Pg 368 Yellow tab --you CANNOT call it an “Adam’s apple” when there is no “Adam” or Christianity in this fantasy world! Lazy writing indeed!— “His head tilted back, Adam’s apple bobbing, as he swallowed hard.”

Pg 376 Yellow tab --this line is so cliché and fucking bad why the fuck is it even in here?— “The king is dead, long live the king,” she said, handing it [the crown] to him [Serefin].

Pg 376 Yellow tab --And why didn’t you write that the other vultures disappeared? There is so much missing here— “Where are all the Vultures?” Ostiya asked “Most probably fled with their king,” Serefin said.

Pg 378 Yellow tab --Is what enough? Power? Crown? What the fuck? This is so sloppy— “Will this be enough?” she asked him [Serefin]. “To stop the war?” … [Serefin:] “It will”

pg 380 yellow tab --No clear description of where Mal is. Is this physical or ethereal? What the fuck is happening?— (Mal’s whole epilogue)

[danuwritero]

What do you love about your WIP?

Got tagged by the wonderful @damawrites who for some reason tumblr refused to believe existed for several minutes. The tag would not work for the life of me. 

Athanasia/The Legacy of Riven 

- I love how much its changed. I’ve been working on this on and off for over three years now. Originally the story was about a plucky mage boy who escapes a prison that houses mages because they’re viewed as dangerous (cough dragon age cough) and he meets up with a thief who later turns out to be the long lost prince and they go on adventures and stuff.  Now, that mage boy is my major villain and the thief is no-one special, but he strives to save the world not for prophecy but because he feels responsible for putting it in danger in the first place. 

- Also Riven, the thief, was meant to be this snarky jerk with a heart of hold and over time became the most mature person who literally has every reason to hate the world around him and want it to burn but instead fights to save it. He wasn’t actually meant to be the hero, that was meant for a noble prince/chosen one character who is now just a minor background character. 

- My own dumb little inside jokes with it, like when I mentioned Riven survives a fire, being shot at, stabbed and then thrown from a building my friend just went; “So this asshole is surviving purely out of spite at this stage right?”  This joke carries on to his fence who writes stories about their adventures and the character based on him is killed in every single one but is magically revived in the next book with no other characters questioning it. 

- He’s also called the boy who fears neither the gods or death. 

- How I accidentally showed what an unhealthy relationship was compared to a healthy one. With Gabriel and Riven it was two people bonding over all their shared bad experiences and abuse and nothing else. With Kione and Riven, it’s two people growing with each other and encouraging each other. And yeah they both suffer too but they help the other with their emotional and physical scars and that never happened between Gabriel and Riven. 

Withergate 

- I’m going to state outright that I am absolutely obsessed with the paranormal and death. I used to watch Ghost Hunters until I gave myself nightmares and Silent Hill will always be my number one love. Withergate is something of a fusion of the two. 

- Withergate also deals with mental disorders, such as schizophrenia. I had a relative with schizophrenia who sadly killed themselves when I was very young and it’s always saddened me that mental disorders are used for cheap villains or scares. You know the whole oh he did it cause he was crazy and the voices in his head told him to sort of bullshit. 

- I chose to give Shiloh schizophrenia and have him be the hero of the story. He struggles with not just his disorder, but with survivors guilt. At the start of the story he is truly the only survivor of the Withergate massacre, purely because his grandmother knew shit was going south and pulled him from the school, so he feels like he should have died along with his friends, that maybe he could have done something. And this guilt is used against him. 

- I love dark, haunting mysteries and creepy abandoned buildings, but I’m also a sucker for romance. Feng and Shiloh are one of my absolute favourite pairings. They’re fun to write, to draw and I feel they balance each other really well. Feng is what keeps Shiloh grounded, reminding him to take care of himself by leaving helpful notes like shower and eat lunch and stuff like that and listening to him whenever Shiloh needs to vent his feelings and fears. Shiloh in return encourages Feng to follow his passion for art, whereas before he was told no you won’t make money from it, and Shiloh is just like why not tho? 

- I’m yammering on too much Jesus Christ. 

Among Blood and Dirt 

- I fucking love post apocalyptic settings. Especially zombie ones, but they get so much shit these days because of how overdone they are. 

- Also have another hero/main protagonist who is no-one special and never will be. They’re just someone who was at the wrong place at the wrong time but wants to save people because it’s the right thing to do. 

- Rook could have just thrown away the parcel and not have anything to do with it, but he chooses to press on because who else can? And Rook was originally meant to be the broody reluctant hero, but instead he’s the sweetest thing who believes in doing what’s right, but also has to deal with the consequences of it. And I think he’s going to go through a lot more maturity throughout the book. 

- Tanner came a long way too, he was originally a villain, one who would try to steal the parcel from Rook and kill him. He was also going to be a hell of a lot more unhinged, as one would be after being enslaved, tortured and forced to watch the same happen to other people over and over again. But as I kept writing him Tanner became a lot more grounded and I love him so much more now. He still keeps doing what he likes, running his shop and collecting knick knacks, but he’s clearly still haunted by his past. He’s sick of suffering and death but when he sees that Rook clearly needs help he does, and I think he’s more encouraged by Rook’s bravery and determination than he lets on. 

I think I went off topic a good bit and I do apologize. I’m going to tag @alizans @reining-in-the-fire-writing @acebelle and @ava-burton-writing if you guys want to do this :) 

[hyacinthetic]

end of the year writing meme 2k17

because i did this last year and i want to gloat over my truly embarrassing uptick in wordcount.

Total number of completed stories: 8 + 1 wip + 1 snippet.  Total word count: 151,100, MOTHERFUCKER. Fandoms: voltron, persona 5, natsume’s book of friends.

Overall Thoughts

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you'd predicted? TOO MUCH VOLTRON. WAY, WAY TOO MUCH VOLTRON.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January? i have 40k of lotor/matt sitting on my hard drive. it's going to break 60k after edits. i don't want this life.

What's your own favorite of the year? the post-series winter cult au was my favorite bit of writing, but i am gonna clutch the pseudo-utena pastiche (disclaimer: not actually related to utena in any way) to my chest all the more because nobody else will. 36K WORDS, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Did you take any writing risks this year? mmm. i've used the second-person pov before to varying degrees of efficacy, but the junior detective kurusu akira fic and the every day au were the first times i really tried to use it as a proper conceit -- a choice that related to the way the character wanted the story framed. ymmv on how well they worked (ha! ha! most of the second-person punch in the junior detective fic happens in the ~20k after the prologue, oh god, nobody even knows what i'm talking about). at the v. least, i still think the every day au's ending wouldn't pack such a punch from any other perspective.

Do you have any fanfic or profic goals for the new year? WRITE STUFF THAT ISN'T VOLTRON, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. i've been reduced to just clawing at doors hissing LET ME GO... LET MY PEOPLE GO ...

From my past year of writing, what was...

My best story of this year: definitely the post-series winter cult. people keep describing it as hard to get into, which, yeah, it is. but it's also the most polished piece from this year.

in general, my best fic is always still the dazai/yosano thing from 2016. i didn't even round out all the subplots for that one, but because it's a crack ship, the whole dynamic is something i made, and i think that earns it a place on the trophy shelf.

My most popular story of this year: the shrine guardian au, i guess? which is bewildering, frankly: it's very fluffy, but i don't see that it does anything better than my other works. not to be all lucille bluth, i love all my children equally!!! and its prose is fine, but i wouldn't call it a standout piece.

Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion: it is a tie between my two big voltron aus -- i understand why the pseudo-utena flopped as hard as it did (60k worth of fic crammed into 36k, badly edited, had to cut two subplots and it still turned out a mess), but the darkest timeline auniverse fic was decent work with mediocre prose and a fuckton of worldbuilding. i'm this close to digging up a worldbuilding meme and answering all the questions that literally nobody will ever ask. THERE WAS SO MUCH TIMELINE BUILDING IN THAT ONE.

Most fun story to write: fun & joy are lies. all fic is suffering. only the motor fic came close, and that was awful in a different way: two characters with little established personality having to build chemistry and worldbuilding at the same time. fuck you both.

Story with the single sexiest moment: hilariously, despite the amount of porn i like to write, none of my fic's been personally sexy to me since 2013's mikorei pwp in which mikoto blew up some buildings and then convinced munakata to fuck him into a wall. what can i say, i'm an arson kind of girl.

Most "holy crap, that's wrong, even for you" story: nothing posted this year! but i'm gonna talk about my impending january posts because god, fuck, i'm not waiting a year so that i can talk excitedly about my 60k nightmare, i plan to be fucking burned out on voltron by february.

anyway: the first time i tried to explain lotor/matt to my best girl, she promptly texted back in horror: "DID YOU WRITE FIC WHERE LOTOR SOULBONDS MATT AND LEAVES HIM TO GET GANGBANGED." and, like. i want to explain, but the actual explanation wasn't really that much more comforting. so, there'll be that. i guess.

(there's actually no non-con involved! it's not even dubcon! IT'S NOT EVEN MATT WHO GETS LEFT.)

Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters: the fucking motor fic. i knew what i liked about lotor as i was going in -- 90% of my motivation in writing it was "okay, i can't make any of the existing major lotor ships work for me, let's just throw this ridiculous spaghetti galra at a shipping wall and see what sticks" -- but matt was much more nebulous to me. i know fanon matt isn't all that far off from the matt we actually saw in season 4, but i was interested in someone who wasn't an older, cheerful, ingenious, meme-loving version of pidge. and the detail that i really got stuck on was the fact that he was a cadet when he went to kerberos, even though keith was the best pilot in his class and keith couldn't go. why?

obviously the simpler answer's "narrative convenience" and "why would anyone trust keith enough to send him into space with millions of dollars' worth of space equipment". but i really did want to play with the alternative too.

Hardest story to write: fucking god. the european travelogue was downright awful to get out. i think it's partly that there's an emotional density to it that isn't really present in my other fic, and partly that it's 25K OF SHIRO DESCRIBING ARCHITECTURE THAT IS PERFECTLY EASY FOR ANYBODY TO GOOGLE AND LOOK AT WITH THEIR OWN EYES.

i also found sheith particularly hard to build as a convincing slowburn. i have no idea how anyone does it. the ship's selling point, to me, is that keith would give shiro anything. if shiro weren't romantically interested, keith would live and die for him in every other way and be absolutely satisfied by that. i never write keith as secretly wanting more than shiro can give -- he'll do it by accident, when he misunderstands what shiro's capable of, but ultimately that's not what keith wants himself to be. shiro plays by the rules a little better, understands the risks + selfishness of dating someone only to leave them for a dangerous ten-month expedition -- but when it comes down to it, i can't write them as anything other than two people who understand each other at the baseline, where it counts. like, shiro may not actively acknowledge it, but i don't think he DOESN'T know that keith has no breaking point when it comes to him, and that there is very unlikely to be anyone else who could ever be what shiro is to him.

anyway: 25k of no-plot fluff! jesus! it was a fun little experiment, and i'm still amazed and delighted that anyone hunted my tumblr down to ask for fic. but i'll probably never write anything like that again.

Biggest disappointment: can you believe that i wrote 36k of psychic bonding fic and it didn't lead to telepathic porn? there's a lot in the utena pastiche that made me go "mm, not enough", a lot that was flatly messy first-draft fumbling, and i've never been happy about how it turned out, but that's still the biggest outrage to me. like. what was even the point. there's so much about it that makes me itch to rewrite, but the number-one reason that i never, ever will is that i'd have to find somewhere to fit porn to make it worth my time AND SOME THINGS ARE JUST IMPOSSIBLE.

Biggest surprise: i!! posted!! 100k+ words!!!!!!! WITH OVERFLOWING PUNCTUATION BECAUSE I DESERVE IT, MOTHERFUCKER. ficwise, though -- the lotor/matt au. why the fuck would you ship two characters who literally have no screen time together, share nothing in common, and are unlikely to develop a dynamic in future seasons, let alone this one? answer: ME: You have to promise to read the Lotor/Matt thing even though I've realised that their portmanteau is "Motor". MY GIRL: WELL now i have to read it ME: ME: Never mind, your boner killed mine.

but the joke's on me, because the one way to guarantee that i'll write something is a hot girl telling me she'll read it.

i love how most of this meme is grim self-encouragement to finish a fic that feels like it is literally killing me by dint of being the longest goddamn thing i've written in my life.

Most unintentionally telling story: well, it was GONNA be the junior detective kurusu akira fic, but i DIDN'T FINISH THAT.

on a more personal note: the every day au's ending was never in question for me. i'm rarely in the mood for conversation, but i can't stand keeping my feelings to myself: i don't feel real unless someone else can see me. it's why i like to yell in my post tags and do memes even though i follow like three actual personal blogs and a significant portion of this tumblr's designed to actively discourage 90% of people who stumble across it from adding me. the idea that, when you strip the viewer out, the object disappears -- that's probably as 'me' as a story gets.

Highlights + Wrap-up

Favourite Opening Lines (3):

The courthouse's a brushfire of camera lenses.

You wake up. [ ed. nt: not really the most unique or interesting of opening lines, but i've started to appreciate how this echoes throughout the piece and then builds into a clusterfuck chorus by the end. ]

[ nope. the other first lines weren't that great. fuck you, meme.]

Favorite 5 Line(s) Ficbits from Anywhere: [ ed. nt: fuck you, word limits & punctuation. ]

"I knew you were gone—long gone. No one could've called you back. But I just kept saying—if they were really Voltron, you'd be with them. You'd have come back for me."

"You stand," Allura whispers, "on territory that was consecrated by the five rituals of essential transference. You stand within the walls that my grandfather built, the walls for which my father sacrificed everything to keep from enemy dominion. The planet Altea remains because I lay claim to it, because I have not yielded to time and I will not yield. You may have served as Zarkon's witch; but in these halls, your very life hangs on Altea's mercy, my mercy. Either you'll remember an Altean's manners or a prisoner's—but so long as you speak to me, Haggar, you will choose one." -- so this fic was a series of dramatic triumphs that i did not build up to and therefore had no right to put in, but i don't care. if i'm going to write 100k++ of fic in a year, it's gonna be spread out over like ten different fics. and this is my favorite of the dramatic non-love confessional speeches that i wrote this year.

Keith lisps briefly and nastily under his breath. "Why would anyone pronounce an apostrophe?” <-- me throwing shade at a hundred years of scifi.

[ fuck you, listicles. ]

[ fuck you pt. 2. all the other sentences sucked. ]

Trivia left out of three fic:

pidge survives the events of the every day au and does eventually go on to form voltron. i left the fic where i did as a dramatic stopping point; in my head, i always knew where things were going to go afterwards. this clarity was helped in no small part because i had to immediately spill my guts to my best girl after she finished reading and realised in outrage that i'd given her a 19k fic in which her otp kissed zero (0) times. but yeah, everything works out -- albeit with a superdose of trauma -- and keith and pidge in particular have a moment which appeals to all my friendship kinks. i couldn't write the sequel in second-person, though, which is probably why i'll never do it. if i can't be pretentious and tragic, and i still can't work in any porn, then what is the point.

shiro, in the weird tattoo porn thing, has no idea of the effect he's having. in his mind, he's just being reasonable. this ties into my preference for writing s3-4!shiro as someone who thinks of himself as the same man who fell to earth a year ago, someone who has survived the galra over and over, someone who wants to lead in the war and deserves to do it. the trouble with this is that about one-point-five of those things are not necessarily things that the original shiro actually believes. i love this discrepancy between writing the two: there's one who buys into his own mythology of being a hero, and there's one who just wants everyone to survive and be happy and safe. in an ideal world (note: ideal to nobody but me), project kuron would be a thing where they created a perfect clone of shiro with all his memories but accidentally infused it with just enough galra beliefs about strength and the importance of war that it sabotages voltron's mission. that particular shiro doesn't mean to be fucked up, but his beliefs are, and he doesn't realise it until after the fallout of everything he's done hits the team. it's the entire basis for his behavior afterwards. this is one of those character development things that fell into the margins between the tattoo porn and its weird au sequel. i should have written the fic in between, i'm sure it would've been less confusing for everyone who read the goddamn sequence, but honestly, you could not pay me enough to write about keith and shiro's relationship falling apart.

this was never made explicit in the fic itself, though it seems pretty clear to me, but here goes. of the ten photographs, nine are pictures that shiro takes for keith to remember them by. the last is one that keith takes for shiro.

Lessons learned about writing in 2017:

when in doubt during edits, read the paragraph out loud. you don't have to do it very loudly, but people respond to something that flows off the tongue even if they aren't actually reading it out to themselves.

you're a niche writer. you write for you. that means you don't really have to edit if you're tired.

deadlines are bullshit. don't sign up for any more events featuring those.

with the way i write, there's always an element of mistrust. in my shorter fics, people are breaking up because they can't trust each other, or they're teetering on the brink of getting together -- but. in my longer fics, i really, really love to throw an unexplained element of mistrust into the mix (see: the fic where shiro leaves his own dimension and refuses to go back without any explanation) and only 'reveal 'it at the end. mistrust is an easy shortcut to tension. it's a good way to reframe the story, but it's also ... hm. predictable if it's literally all you write? i like to think that i'm capable of writing plots whose value isn't entirely based on the way they're told. i just need to let the story breathe once in a while.

the comma before 'too' is grammatically incorrect when that's the end of the sentence. my entire life is a goddamn lie.

there's such a thing as overdetail. a loose sketch and a twinkle of atmosphere will do better than three dense paragraphs detailing exactly where all the cathedrals are. my god, i never want to leave this continent again.

the best writing feeling is posting something and then tweaking all the small mistakes out of it. the second-best writing feeling is bringing someone you like a freshly-killed (read: edited) piece of prose, then demanding pets and cuddling for your great act of magnimity and courage.

looking back on my life, i should have been born a cat.

Fic-writing goals for 2018

post/finish all 80k of my existing drafts, THEN LEAVE VOLTRON FOREVER, I'M SO DARKLY EXCITED ABOUT THIS EXODUS.

seriously, write for any fandom but voltron. oh my god.

maybe i can just dive headfirst into ocean's eight and write a lot of bantery f/f until everyone forgets my embarrassing gay robolion phase.

a sci-fi au for nirvana in fire, heavily influenced by recent military scifi, in which (contrary to all the imperial death traditions) the chiyan army's memories and consciousness are ostensibly deleted from the imperial archives as punishment for their betrayal. several years down the line, jingyan finds his political influence rising with the advice of a helpful and very insistent ai advisor. IT'S TOO COMPLICATED AND I'M STILL THINKING ABOUT IT.

did you know that the natori/matoba section on ao3 has no explicit fic at all? like, zero. 2018 goals, baby. i don't care that nobody needs to know what horrible things they'd do to each other in bed. i'm gonna be this ship's rule 34, or the arsonist who burns down the house of the person who gets to it before me.