#making myself a positivity post tbh
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shout out to psychotic people who struggle with anger. psychotics who get angry when they’re wronged, when they're scared, when they're overstimulated, as a response to emotion. psychotics who want to hit. who want to bite. who want to hurt. who want to scream and break things. who redirect with self-harm. who struggle to keep calm and keep it together. i love you. you deserve love and care to.
#making myself a positivity post tbh#actually schizospec#actually psychotic#mental illness positivity#actually mentally ill#mental health positivity
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I made a post on my twitter a year ago that I'm still in the same feeling about:
"Whenever I see posts like "Don't feel bad about your art! Younger you would be so excited about how it looks now" I feel really awkward because younger me would be disappointed AS HELL over how my art looks. Those posts do not make me feel better lol
"Like, little me had the basic understanding that I'd improve as I got older, she would not be impressed that I'm simply not as bad as she was now. She grew up seeing all this fantastic art from 18 year olds online and desperately wanting that. She'd be so upset I'm still not even close to achieving that at 21" (now 22, going on 23 in a few months)
#i know i have 6 months but i need artfight NOW. it always makes me feel better about my art (and therefore myself)#theres a certain look to my art i really want but i dont think ill ever achieve it#tbh i dont think ill ever actually be good (in a proper way) at art and thats making me pretty sad rn#mine#vent#specifying this is from twitter so its clear i didnt just steal someones post lol#honestly a lot of 'positivity' artist posts quickly turn into really good/professional artists flaunting their work#and either way dont make me feel better about my self
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sleepy and v fed up w this blasted reading for japanese history class tomorrow. give me 45 minutes to finish this article and i will be back to talk about kissing or something
#for the blissfully uninitiated: hello i am history student#which is a fantastic thing to be but also a significant pain in the [REDACTED] when it wants to be#the professor for this class is almost unbearably terrible which does not exactly make me WANT to do this reading#but the exam is in like 2 weeks lol#so yk. i have the hardest life of anyone on earth etc etc#god forbid i actually do the degree i asked to do lmao#also i up early this morning to drag myself to the immigration bureau for a visa amendment#which meant a decidedly unpleasant hour on the metro during rush hour :(#its bc im applying for this english TA position in spring#its literally only for 5 days and tbh i wouldn't mind doing it for free bc i am sad like that and enjoy teaching for fun#but it IS paid - and paid work is Not Allowed under my student visa#so even though i literally have not even GOT the job (applications close today) i still had to go and apply for permission to work#watch as they dont hire me lol#oh i should mention - for those who may not know i am in tokyo this year#i am british and i usually go to uni in the uk but im on a study abroad year this year#i came to japan in sept of 2023 so ive been here for coming up on 5 months and i will be going back home in august on 2024#its weird to think that im approaching the halfway point#tbh i should really just make this a separate post but whatever#coming to japan has been very strange but a good thing i think
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please forgive me, but I need to complain and over-share or my brain is going to explode please feel free to ignore
#I'm not doing well.#the last two places I worked (in a tourism-adjacent sector) closed. broadly speaking due to post-lockdown financial issues#for the past year at my current job I've been earning less than half what I used to. this was the only offer I got at the time and#I haven't found anything better since. this is not sustainable I'm barely making it each month...#I live with my parents and cancelled my health insurance I don't know how else to reduce my budget. it's depressing tbh#the solution is obviously to find a better job but that's just not happening and I'm beginning to feel discouraged.#I hate being negative it's a very unattractive character trait but I just feel myself slipping and spiraling#I know I should be taking short courses or volunteering to boost my cv but like when ! and how !#I can't afford to work less but I get home at 20h so even evening courses are tricky. I work every other saturday too so weekends are out#and like I do need to rest at some point you can't be depressed and burnt out that's a terrible combo#was looking at a dtp/typesetting short course and 1) I'll need a new computer that can actually run design programs#and 2) the course itself is like 2 month's salaries which I cannot realistically save right now#and yet I'm still ''over-qualified'' for entry level positions because I went to uni. well maybe that's just a polite excuse#because as interesting as my humanities degrees were they didn't equip me with any practical or marketable skills#besides being good at reading and writing. but AI can do that for free now so that's not helpful#I always thought I was reasonably intelligent but I cannot solve this puzzle. there must be a creative solution that I'm missing#but i feel so stuck and trapped#and at least once a week some poor soul stumbles in to the office practically begging for a job so I feel bad for complaining#a little truly is better than nothing#but thank god we elected more pro-business capitalists into government that really is going to be great for us workers (sarcasm)#also I should acknowledge#I am getting some déjà vu. I feel like I've vented about this topic before#the difference is. back then it was a potential concern. now the concern has materialised into reality and rendered the situation desperate
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told my psych i finally got on the autism assessment waitlist but since the average wait to get an appointment is 2 years i was considering private screening even though it costs quite a lot of money. he was just like "to be honest even if you get diagnosed we dont really have any support tools to offer you, its usually just behavioral therapy and social skills training" and therefore its not that useful to be diagnosed faster since i wont get any support either way. i am disappointed to be told straight up that even w a diagnosis i wont get shit to help me but at least he was honest so i can moderate my expectations and not waste hundreds of euros on private screening lol..
#97#also going thru the official public autism center ill actually be redirected to what little support tools do exist#while if i go privately i only get a diagnosis but no continued treatment#so its just better to wait#tbh this has essentially been the experience ive had w every diagnosis so far#like i keep being redirected to different orgs and whatnot and meeting professionals and shit#but eventually it all boils down to like..#'education about your illness' aka mostly stuff i already know#or behavioral therapy which i tried for a few months but for how much it costs (a lot) i didnt learn shit so i quit#i expected behavioral therapy to be very like.. task-oriented w concrete goals and exercises#and instead it was mostly stuff about recognizing my negative emotions/thoughts and trying to think positively instead?#which like. does not help me w the shit that matters more to me aka actually being able to materially take care of myself to a basic degree#i rly dont get what makes these mundane personal posts worth rbing lol
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MUSHROOM ANON BEAT ME TO IT I WAS GONNA DRAW THE GOOD BIRB! (Joke aside holy smokes??? That art????? God tier level amazingness?????????? Fuck yeah dude thats some good art right there) -sibling anon
mushroom anon was the mvp on this one, buts it’s not like there’s a cap on how much art can be made
(totally not incredibly interested in the prospect of somebody making content based off my content which is in turn based-)
(seriously though… i’d be very excited to see if you chose to share… 👉👈?)
#m1d : [chats]#sibling anon#unrelated but i find myself using tone tags in place of the words they’re meant to represent sometimes#new trend just dropped: instead of asking ‘seriously?’ just send the ‘garfield are you /s or /j??’ post (/hj)#something something tags represent a genuine quality that can’t be replicated since ‘i’m being serious’ is sometimes said during jokes or#pranks whatever but if i tack a ‘/j’ onto something irl if objectively makes it funnier#also the ‘…unless?’ meme can be conveyed by ‘/p(?)’ which i find a kinda funny#all of this spawned because i was gonna say ‘but /srs’ instead of seriously on the second parenthetical#i…. love respect enjoy cherish [other positive verb] tone tags. backbone of society tbh#also also unrelated but brackets are better than parentheses#(unless when it’s like this then it feels like a side little whisper comment that’s not important but really is)#(can you tell my brain refuses to focus on things today)
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My suggestion would be to try to make the sensation of not being human anymore into something positive, even fantastical, like “I’m a badass dragon” or a cool/strong/epic mythical creature of your choice.
It sucks to feel like you’ve lost your humanity but I have the impression that’s a very human feeling (in a very dark period of my life I wrote a song literally called “I’m Not A Person” lol) but maybe you can find your way back to better mental health by twisting a belief of being “less than human” into jokes of being *more* than human.
Make a joke that you have super strength or you can fly, that your life made you into a Batman type or anything like that that you might see as cool and superhuman. I hope you can be free of your negative feelings toward yourself ❤️🩹
a fools guide to not wanting to die anymore
by me, a fool who doesnt wanna die anymore
never make a suicide joke again. yes this includes “i wanna die” as a figure of speech. swear off of it. actually make an effort to change how you think about things.
find something to compliment someone for at least 4 times a day. notice the little things about the world that make you happy, and use that to make other people happy.
talk to people. initiate conversation as often as you possibly can. keep your mind busy and you wont have to worry anymore
picture the bad intrusive thoughts in youe head as an edgy 13 year old and tell them to go be emo somewhere else
if someone makes you feel bad most of the time, stop talking to them. making yourself hang out with people who drain you is self harm. stop it.
#this post hits really hard tbh#i have struggled with this type of stuff for as long as i can remember#i’ve been working on the suicide jokes and saying i’m dumb or useless#it’s been a lot of work but it’s beginning to show and it’s worth it but#one thing i really can’t even approach still is saying anything even remotely positive about my physical appearance#whenever i do it feels so forced and uncomfortable and i feel like i’m just luing to myself and making myself look like a fool#*lying - not typing allthat again lol
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had to witness oscar do promo for the t*xas l*nghorns, my school lost TERRIBLY in football for the second weekend in a row, and mclaren was fucking stupid as usual. horrible terrible bad weekend to be a sports fan
#no but like actually. you guys dont understand how absolutely fucking distraught i was over landoscar going to UT#like STOP trying tk make them college football fans unless its MY college#let alone the longhorns of all godforsaken teams#and when oscar took a picture with the golden hat………. something genuinely died inside of me you guys dont even understand#genuinely had to refrain from rolling around the ground in the fetal position#anyway.#not surprised that mclaren did shit this weekend because of course they would in texas bc texas SUCKS#this is just turning into a hate post about texas honestly. real of me tbh#anyway. forgetting texas was ever a thing#hoping mexico will be better <3#i’m at the point where i dont think landos going to win the championship (bc maybe if i tell myself this enough by the time abu dhabi rolls#around i wont have to kill myself at 9:00 in the morning on a random sunday) i just want him to win races in General#because him being happy makes Me happy#and of course oscar should be right next to him#or vice versa#bc duh#idc who wins as long as Other People. don’t win#my progression of me becoming obsessed with f1 is so funny to me bc i was originally a ferrari fan#(funny considering the first race i watched was miami and THEN monaco) and now it’s just progressed into me being a steady mclaren fan#and hating everyone else on track#i WILL SAY THOUGH i have been an oscar truther since day one once i found out he and i shared the same birthday#bc how could i not be in love with him after that#anyway#this has rapidly lost the plot#im not even sure what the plot was#i am going to bed and hoping that this week goes by quickly bc i already miss f1#lacey talks
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...... If I went on a hiatus for who knows how long again would y'all hate me....... 👉👈
#i just spent like an hour writing and rewriting a post trying to explain myself amd its just so hard to put into words#im bored here but not in a ew not enough content for the dopamine hit shit#in like a every time i scroll through I dont smile I dont see anything that makes me happy at all i dont get a laugh or anything#its just mindless brain rotting scrolling nothing wasting my time hoping maybe ill see a new artist to follow or something#and every time its nothing#so much nothing taking up so much of my time and space in my life and i already dont have a lot of time to begin with#ive made some awesome friends here ive had lovers from here ive had people who are no longer on this earth from here who ill never forget#i dont think ive really enjoyed anything on here in 7 years#ive left before for a really long time i think like a year or more or something#and i wont be totally unreachable of people message me ill respond but im so sick of this stupid app taking up my life#and all i ever get out of it is getting mad or getting depressed over shit that really is t worth my mental state over#all i ever feel on here is that the world fuckin sucks and theres not even anything here to make hanging around worth it#im not new to this site making me suicidal for an abundance of reasons and im luckily in a spot where i wont actually hurt myself#its just ideation and intrusive thoughts but its a pattern i cant keep ignoring#also im old tumblr im old tumblr and i think i will always be old tumblr im just not catching on to new shit anymore#the fact im even saying anything about a hiatus should show how pld tumblr i am no one does this anymore lol#i just don't want to be here anymore i dont really want to be anywhere online anymore tbh#its always something and i cant mentally keep up with it anymore i have too much going on in my life#my wife is having cancer removed on Tuesday im a lead teacher who has to take care of i think 8 babies now#i have problems i have actual problems that need me and need me to be as there as i can be#i cant be spiraling over stuff online on top of real world problems im in no position to do anything about on top of personal life problems#that are drastically affecting my life at home and hurting my family and loved ones#i have a mass in my thyroid which is so big i choke to the point i stop breathing if I dont have my meds i throw up all day#i have to see a neurologist because at best i have a pinched nerve at worst im having seizures and i might have to move states again#i dont have it in me to come on here and see stuff that makes me upset for the chance i might see something i like#and i can unfollow people and whatever but I dont have the energy or time to sift through people i follow on here#if you want to talk in dms or asks or you want to send me posts pls by all means continue to do so thats fine#but i think i need to take the app out of my line of sight again for a bit and just be in the moment again same with twitter#anyways i love yall i promise i am safe and not in harms way im just stressed af and i have got to start cutting things out that#arent doing anything other then making me miserable
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I've already said, but this is language is sooo interesting and I get so happy as I feel myself understanding more and more stuff :)
#it's like german but easier and a lot more consisten <3#also pretty fun how life will have you learning languages you would have never thought of#tbh? Before this exchange I had never thought of myself even setting foot in this country lmao#(not in any negative nor positive way. just. objectively)#life's funny like that#makes it all the more special I think#my post
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heya! just wanted to thank everyone for being so nice and supportive to me <3
i sometimes struggle alot with feelings like this, expecially the guilt for how weird i can act when im overwhelmed, looking back at that happening it feels like i was literally .. not me, its scary honestly but i dont think i can eradicate it entirely, hopefully minimize how much i post about it when its happening tho
i often really do feel like an .. unwanted part of the fandom, i dont draw beautiful landscapes, i have unpopular but strong opinions im constantly annoying about and rarely change, dont like/dont draw the pretty young popular twinks and hot gurls to fanboi over nor do i turn characters into one, the opposite moreso, draw only one ship no ones heard of really, got little energy to interact with the few people that are nice to me and send me asks so it probably looks like im ignoring everyone and unfortunately but still rarely get so stressed i get overwhelmed and emotional about pehaps seemingly minor things and spiral almost into a breakdown feeling super embarrassed about it afterwards but the damage is already done and i look like a freak or agressive weirdo
#ganondoodles talks#proud to play a role to make fandom more diverse in a sense#even if its still niche#far from the only one#tho it feels rarer in the zelda fandom#no shortage of the insanely beautiful landscapes and all#but also very ... very twinkified#and often borderline creepy to me given how most of the time zelda and or link is either a child or a teen#but lets not get into that#nor worry about that#bc i dont want to think about that#anyway this was meant as sth POSITIVE#so THANK YOU#i hope that i will keep doing what i do is decent enough as thanks ... i have so little energy to answer or reply its depressing tbh#i often go and reread comments or tags on my posts#and asks that i have gotten#daily even#i keep telling myself to get better at answering them but i just-#*deflates*
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#tbh this year has taught me that I really am a leader#like leadership is 100% where I really shine and I’m damn good at it#getting more involved with my community has been so amazing and really restored my confidence in myself and my joy for life#like being on the exec board of the psych grad student association has let me make so many cool little differences#I came up with the idea to have my friend come give a talk to our department bc she’s a post doc about to be on the job market#and her talks are kick ass!!! it’s about how to merge feminism with psychology and how to incorporate lesser known research methods#and so I just finished booking her today!!! I get to help a friend AND my community gets an amazing talk!! win win!#my work as a representative on the biological sciences council is going strong and I sent out an inquiry about finding a new rep to join us#and the open letter I sent to my department regarding a lot of drama didn’t just end there#I came up with reasonable changes to the department that could prevent the drama that was caused and brought them to dept leadership#to make things even better I personally reached out to the opposite side and asked to get coffee for us to discuss the recent drama#as a chance for us to mend bridges and align ourselves with concrete goals and making things better#rather than being in opposition to one another#like this year was supposed to be low key. I took on very low effort exec board positions and tried to center other students#but even with that being said I still just. Shine I feel like#like I step up to the plate and get shit done without stepping on toes and really making an impact#idk I’m sorry to ramble like this but I’m just so!!! proud!!!#I was so stuck and aimless for years due to mental health. and I kept fighting. and it feels like I’m really coming out the other side#and it first is being shown with my activism work which is SUCH A HUGE PART OF WHO I AM#and then it’ll bleed into research and academics!!!#which like my academics are actually good now but they’re not to the kick ass levels I’m used to yet so that’ll come#but idk. this quarter I feel really alive again. my med adjustment happened in early Jan and everything is going so much better#I really feel myself slowly coming alive again for the first time since I lived in Philly#I’m just#I’m very proud of me today. I can feel that love for myself coming back and it’s honestly so nice
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“ugh, my head hurts,” you whine. you walk into the living room and settle beside atsumu on the couch. as soon as you rest your head on his shoulder and bend knees over his thighs, he’s wrapping an arm around you.
“rough night?” he jokes. he knows perfectly well that you were with him fighting over mario kart and clue last night, and that you’re definitely not suffering a hangover right now, despite what your current state may suggest.
“ha ha,” you reply but it’s quickly followed up with a groan. you press your fingers to your temples and hide your face in his neck.
despite his earlier teasing, he brings a hand up to gently massage the back of your head. you can almost feel the concerned frown forming on his face, and just as he opens his mouth, you answer his question before it has the chance to form. “I’m okay, baby. I guess I didn’t get enough sleep after we waged war on each other.”
you think back to last night’s events. you had both pulled your best tricks within the game and things got pretty intense during your third go at moo moo meadows (atsumu's favourite track- one of the only one he claims you're evenly matched in because you're at the mercy of the cows). of course you beat him, hitting him with a strategically thrown green shell just before he crossed the finish line, breaking the tie 2-1 in your favour. he was quick to select wild woods as the next course, but you beat him in that one as well and had to switch over to animal crossing after that to cool off.
he sighs in relief and presses some kisses to your forehead. “need me to get ya anything?”
you wrap your arms around his neck, face still hidden against him, and shake your head as minimally as possible. “just cuddle me, please?”
he smiles and squeezes you tighter against him. “easiest thing you’ve ever asked me to do,”
you peek up at him. "how about you? you feeling okay?"
he looks confused for a moment. "hm? what do-"
"is your ego still bruised from that green shell?" you interrupt with a small smile against his skin.
he narrows his eyes playfully. "careful," he warns, hands slithering down to your sides and stalling there menacingly. "you're not really in a position to be a brat right now."
you giggle and guide his hands away from your waist. "no, I'm sorry, I'll stop. I won't even make the joke I was saving about being at the mercy of a cow again so soon," you plead with him.
he hums a bit. "you're so lucky you're not feelin' well right now. but just wait, I'll get ya back for that comment, baby. won't even see it coming."
you sigh contently as he maneuvers you against him more comfortably and plays with your hair. "sure, 'tsum. I'm so scared," your voice has a dreamy lilt to it, so he lets it slide and continues caressing you.
truly the easiest thing you've ever asked him to do.
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this isn't the atsumu fic I was talking abt btw, that's still coming on monday. it's just a draft I polished up a bit bc I didn't know where to go with it. it probably wasn't going to turn into anything tbh... I'm just posting it today to try to stop myself from posting the other fic before then lol
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I- apologies my answer is kinda loaded and touches on mental health (in relation to one of my ocs)- but is the absolute truth f the question
Basically uh, my ocs tend to be either an overly dramatized mirror of something I’m going through, I trait I wish I had or hadn’t turned extreme.
Gwinvenin, my absolute favourite oc, is a more dramatized shifted version of well a few bad key things I went through- and eventually turned good
so uhhhh my answer in the tags IS positive, I just suck at tone and english
I can delete this if you want- /gen
so, mentioned a bit ago doing a sketch giveaway as a thank you for how many of you there are and how kind you've been. i decided i would go ahead and follow up on that for those of you who said you were interested!
rules:
gotta be following me. that can be here, on my main @crawlingpossum, or my art blog at @salemelas. one of the three. (following multiple of them won't get you more entries.)
one entry per person
tes characters and tes ocs only
you have to have a visual reference of the character you'd like drawn. it can be art, a screenshot, a picrew, whatever. just gotta have a visual reference for me to use.
how to enter:
like this post AND reply/reblog with who is your favorite tes character and why. it can be your own character, i just wanna hear why ya like em. if you only like it, that is not an entry.
deadline is september 10
the sketch will be done in grayscale. if you wanna know what my art looks like, again, my art blog is @salemelas. there's a good few sketches posted there to look at.
the art will be a bust shot, sternum and up.
there will be 3 total winners. the art will be posted on my art blog and reblogged here with the winners tagged in their respective posts.
that's it ( . .)
#(UMMM THIS RESPONSE INCLUDES THE TOPIC OF MENTAL HEALTH SORRY- ITS POSITIVE THO) I can’t pick an npc but uhhh-#as for ocs…#Imyoren Gwinvenin is literally so beloved to me- he ties my entire elder scrolls au together (its an extreme alternate universe lol- +#without him and devryne the story wouldn’t happen) and tbh he’s a lot more then just… An oc at this point?#Writing about him literally helped me through so much- its not even funny#and his entire arc literally symbolizes ‘going through absolute shit- uncertain if anything’ll get better… Yet getting getting stronger and#getting through despite everything- and not letting those who hurt you do so any longer’#I mean- he does that by becoming a god and gaining power from that… But going through therapy in a way kinda made me feel like well… that?#Going from crippling fear every day… to finally having some self worth was hella empowering- my entire point of view went from but a speck+#to so much more- I was me. A person. Someone who could make a choice-#Um#that was very heavy lmao#but yeah- Gwinvenin is a lot more then ‘silly trauma guy loses trauma’ to me#a lot of ocs go through more extreme or symbolic versions of what I have been through- or traits exemplified- Gwinvenin is a closest mirror#He lost his parents (to assassins)- I lost mine (to their utter lack of love)#we both struggled to try to find meaning- with out shitty mental health and bad situations. Feeling so alone-#but we both made something of it- and became people we had never thought we’d ever be. And fuck- the happiness from that is insane#this is a happy post by the way- I’m literally so proud of myself and everything I’ve overcome#But also he’s a silly looking elf and that’s just cool#Um okay bye- idek why I’m being so open about this?
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Bad Luck Streak
After losing to him for the tenth time in kitty cards, you decide to throw a tantrum.
ಇ. Character x Reader/MC
Included parts in order: Rafayel - Xavier - Zayne - Caleb
ಇ. Tags & warnings: a little spicy, 16+, MDNI, fluff, short and sweet, making out, fluff, domestic fluff, established relationship, some jealousy (from Zayne), MC being a baby (tbh I would too if I lose too many kitty cards games).
ಇ. Word count: 4k5
ಇ. Based on an anonymous request.
ಇ. Masterlist ♡ Request a fic
Rafayel
“If you post on your account right now that I, Rafayel, am the most handsome and best kitty cards player, I will let you win this match.”
Rafayel's voice rang out in the room, from across the table. You frowned and said it clearly again, word by word:
"Not. A. Single. Chance!”
“Such a pity.” He spoke as if he was singing. Then, with a delicate yet merciless gesture, he set down his kitty card in the proper position of the purple cup. You quickly reached out to cover the mouth of the cup, but it was too late.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
A “meow” sounded. The cat was the same color as the cup. And it was a six-point.
Time seemed to pass very slowly. Your lips formed an "A" and "O" shape, then the remaining cards in your hand were tossed into the air, falling all around.
Rafayel's jubilant laughter echoed across the room. He stood up, dancing in the rain from your losing cards. He even made a song:
“Rafayel! Rafayel! Who is the most handsome and talented kitty cards player? It's Rafayel!”
He paused, his index finger and thumb creating a "V" and resting on his chin. He looked at you with a sarcastic expression.
"I offered you the chance to win. It's unfortunate you didn't accept it."
“Will you stop?”
You furiously gazed up at him.You had just lost the tenth game. Even if you had a nightmare, you would not have expected to be that unfortunate.
But seeing your sour expression, Rafayel became even happier. He constantly teased you, claiming that you had just lost to a kitty card master. You clenched your teeth.
“You cheated! There was definitely cheating!”
“Is that so? Then why couldn't you catch me?" He continued to laugh. “Without proof, you must have lost because of such poor skills.”
"That's enough, Rafayel!" You stood up, irritated. To his amazement, you grabbed his collar and hauled him out. You pushed him hard into the vacant corridor. “Go home! I don't want to see that arrogant face of yours anymore!”
"Eh!" Rafayel attempted to run inside, but you swiftly shut the door. You heard him beating on the door outside: “But it's already late. There are no more trains or buses! Are you really going to leave me out here all by myself?”
You opened the door a crack, threw his phone into his hands and said:
“Call a taxi and go home!”
Then, you slammed the door again. Rafayel continued to make noise outside: “Hey! How could you bear to let me go home alone with a stranger, in the middle of the night like this?!”
But you gave no answer. You let Rafayel boo and protest outside. You put on headphones, deliberately turned on the music loudly and headed into the bathroom to get ready for bed.
After a time, you approached the door. You could still see Rafayel on the CCTV screen. He stopped screaming and crouched with his head down in the corridor just across from your main entrance. He looked miserable. The hubris of victory had simply vanished from him. You sighed, knowing that you had lost since your compassion decided to speak up.
You opened the door. Rafayel lifted his head and gazed at you, perplexed like a lost puppy. It was very late and he had yet to leave. You were about to tell him to go home when he suddenly ran towards you, arms spread, seeking to hug you.
Instinctively, you moved aside. Rafayel was running and could not stop in time and rushed straight inside. Both surprised and not paying attention to the steps connecting the main door and your living room, he fell.
He appeared both pathetic and humorous. You did not know how to react anymore. You closed the door, trying to suppress your laughter while Rafayel made a fuss again. He did not even bother to get up, but lay down on the floor to throw a tantrum.
“Miss Bodyguard is bullying me! Come out and see! Oh, good neighbors! She kicked me out of the house. She even made me collapse on the floor! It's all because I'm so attractive and better than her at kitty cards that she hates me!"
"You want to go out there again, don't you?" You spoke quietly. You felt more amused than upset at him. You approached Rafayel, leaning down slightly to see how he was. “Hmm. You still can shout out so loud. It means that you're okay, right?”
You poked his body with your finger. Rafayel struggled like a fish out of water. Then, he suddenly grabbed your wrist and pulled you down to the floor with him.
“Ouch!”
You yelled aloud. In the blink of an eye, you were lying in his lap on the floor.
“Rafayel, what are you doing? Let me go!”
He smiled triumphantly, once more.
“Be still. I'm hurt so much... right here.”
Rafayel pointed to his chest, which was rising and falling with each heavy breath. You could hear a chaotic heartbeat there. He said again:
“Why do you want to chase me away? Why do you have to say that you don't want to see me anymore? It's just kitty cards! If you like winning that much, I'll let you win all the time!”
“I don't need you to let me win.” You said. With your competitive nature, you wanted to defeat him in a fair and righteous manner while also enjoying his sullen face. "If you give in, there's no fun anymore."
Since you could not stay on the ground like this forever, you attempted to get up. But Rafayel would not let you go. He grimaced while holding you above him.
“My whole body hurts so much! My head hurts too! Compensation. I request compensation!”
You supported your body with my elbows on his chest. It was never easy to coax this fish. You just had to use your usual tricks.
"Alright. Here comes compensation.”
You giggled, then leaned down and kissed him for a long while. The delicate kiss on his lips gradually melted down his neck, then, the chest, turning into crimson flower petals - the way you left your imprint on him. Rafayel lay beneath you and struggled a little, but held you even more tightly. Perhaps you must admit that you had no intention of letting him go home alone that night.
Xavier
You worriedly looked up at Xavier, who sat across from you. His face was hidden in the pile of cards in his hand, displaying just his intensely concentrated eyes. You clutched the very last card tightly in your hands. Just one more step, as long as he spared the last cup, you would win.
Yet things did not always go your way. Xavier picked up a card and placed it in the cup. It transformed into the cat with number six, earning double the points.
"Another win for me."
His words, so gentle, but it cut your heart for the tenth time. You had lost ten games in a row in just one evening.
“You… YOU!!!”
Anger choked in your throat. You grit your teeth. How could this be? Apparently you were the one teaching Xavier how to play kitty cards, yet he certainly outperformed you.
Unable to accept this, you became enraged and took out your frustration on the cats in the gaming kit. The cups tipped over, and the virtual cats leaped out. They cautiously seeked shelter on Xavier's arms and shoulders. You growled:
"We. Are. Done. Playing!!!"
You stormed into the bedroom like a hurricane. Ignoring the kittens, ignoring Xavier. You buried yourself on the bed and struggled for quite some time.
“AAAAAAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!”
Perhaps Xavier overheard you yell. However, he did not come in to comfort you as usual. This made you feel even worse. You disliked the sensation of losing.
You returned to the living room after a lengthy period of lying in bed and felt considerably calmer. There was no one around. You merely discovered a beautifully packed kitty cards kit on the coffee table. You huffed with annoyance. Xavier must have left without saying goodbye. Was it your juvenile reaction to losing that offended him?
You felt humiliated and angry with yourself. You must have upset him. It was only a few card games, but you let it impact both of you. Still you could not accept the fact that you had lost. He could have let you win one match, just one match, right? Finally, you decided to make yourself a cup of hot milk and go to bed early.
A bit later, the doorbell rang. As you went closer to the surveillance camera, you saw Xavier standing outside. However, there was something odd. You had to rub your eyes many times to ensure it was him.
You quickly opened the door. Xavier stood there, his light hair adorned with a pair of white bunny ears with black tips swinging back and forth. He was dressed in a white and blue suit, his hands gloved, and he was holding them up like a cute bunny who had just lost his way to your house.
“X-Xavier?!” You were taken aback, but you had to admit that you admired the way he looked.
"Can… Can I come inside?"
Xavier looked around with embarrassment. What if he was caught like this? Thinking about it, you swiftly drew him inside. Only you were permitted to adore this aspect of his.
You shut the door and followed Xavier into the living room. Yet you could not tear your gaze away from the round white rabbit tail waving behind him. You felt guilty because you wanted to reach out and touch it.
“Why are you dressed like this? In the middle of the night?” You asked. Perhaps you were so furious and fatigued that your imagination conjured up this scenario.
“I'm here to be your bunny butler.” Xavier spoke up. “Since last time you said you would like a bunny butler…”
Xavier left his sentence incomplete. He carefully examined your reaction before saying, "I hope you like it."
“Ah, erm…” You coughed. “Are you doing this because of the kitty cards incident earlier?”
Xavier nodded slightly. Oh Lord! His dangling bunny ears looked so adorable beyond imagination! You just wanted to pull him down and touch them a lot.
Seeming to know what you were thinking, Xavier sat down beside you. You tried to keep your face stoic as if you could not care less, and said:
“You don't need to do that.”
“Do you really not want your bunny butler?”
As he drew in closer, you felt your pulse skip a beat and your throat dry. You responded:
“Eh… um… I mean… You didn't have to go to this extent…”
Xavier sighed sadly. He stretched out and scratched the rabbit ears on his head, which made you want to touch them more.
“If you don't like it… I'll leave…”
"Wait!" You stopped him. Soon your hand was holding a bunny ear on his head. “Oh, hey…”
The smooth cotton layer calmed your rage. You proceeded to caress the rabbit's ear with one hand before grabbing another one with the other. Xavier patiently resided quietly as you played around. He breathed gently and steadily, and his cheeks were slightly rosy.
“I thought you didn't like it.” He mentioned.
“When did I ever say that?”
“You do like fluffy things, don't you?”
Your giggles rang out. “Yeah. I also like an obedient bunny that knows he should call me master."
Xavier took a short peek at you before turning away. His face lit up even more. He mumbled: “Okay… If this makes you feel better… My Lady….”
You gently lifted Xavier's chin so he could no longer avoid your gaze. Then you grinned with satisfaction:
"Very good. But I still haven't completely forgiven."
“So, what do you want the bunny butler to do for you, My Lady?”
“Let's see…” You pretended to think, then your hand quickly went behind Xavier's back and touched his bunny tail. He dodged intuitively in an instance.
“This… You cannot touch…”
“Why not?”
You frowned and tried again, then again... You kept attacking Xavier's back with both hands, and he kept avoiding you. In the end, you suddenly leaned close to him.
"Got it!" You grasped the rabbit tail behind Xavier as you hugged him and sat entirely on his lap. His breath wafted across your shoulders and neck. You also blushed.
“My Lady, are you content now?” He asked with an expression like he had just been bullied. Then, without waiting for your response, he gripped your hips firmly and forced you closer to his body.
Your heart was racing pretty fast. You could not take your eyes off Xavier. He was very close. So close. His lips brushed the tip of your nose, slightly parted and whispered:
“Are you no longer mad at me?”
You nodded slightly, since you were helpless to say anything else in this situation.
“So have you had enough of playing, My Lady?”
Another nod. Xavier seemed satisfied. He said:
“Then it's my turn.”
"Huh?"
Before you could grasp what was actually going on, Xavier put a hand behind your neck and forced you into him. His lips gently parted yours, and you tasted the nectar on the tip of his tongue. You felt dizzy, to the point you entrusted your entire body weight on Xavier. Even though it was him who was wearing the bunny costume, why did it feel like you were the prey?
Zayne
“Can't you let me win for just once, Zayne?”
You frowned at him. With a serene appearance, Zayne put down his final card and won the entire game.
“If I give in to you, how will you improve?”
You bit your bottom lip firmly. Your hand dropped the cards, and your eyes were crimson as if you were going to cry. It was the tenth game you had lost to him. Such an impossible mission to beat Doctor Zayne since he constantly blocked his opponent's moves like that.
“You… Foul play!” You shrieked, catching the attention of a few pairs playing kitty cards nearby.
“That is called strategy, not foul play. Foul play is when you cheated to peek at my cards..."
“La la la! I won't listen to you anymore!” You covered your ears tightly. “You're always so cruel! Look at the pile of support cards you have! You just have to back me into a corner like this!”
Even when the game ended, in Zayne's hand was still a stack of assist cards he had gathered from the beginning of the game to attack you. He seemed to have every type of support card in a kitty deck. How come he was so lucky? Every card he drew was a fatal card. He left you no chance to win.
Despite your outraged expression, Zayne remained remarkably calm. He put the cards back in the kit and cleaned up the mess on your side of the table. He replied:
“This game only has two players. If I don't attack you, then who?"
“I'm not talking to you anymore.” You rose up and marched away in anger. Zayne grinned at your childishness and continued with cleaning up the cards.
That day, a special event was held at Akso Hospital. Patients, relatives and staff were all excited to play kitty cards. Small tables were neatly set up around the hall and the main garden for each pair of players to participate. Everyone was very happy, except for you. No one would be, if they lost ten consecutive games of kitty cards.
After a time, with no indication of you returning, Zayne began looking about. He knew your childish and competitive nature, as well as the way to comfort you. Yet it was a different time. He had not expected to discover you leaving him to play cards with someone else.
You sat at another table with Doctor Greyson. You just won a high-scoring game and chose to celebrate by howling and swaying your body left and right. Then you asked Greyson:
“Let's play one more round, shall we?”
Greyson had barely nodded when he felt a strong cold. He was shivering in the nice warm bright weather.
“Ah… um… Somehow… I-I feel so cold… P-Please... excuse me…”
Having stated so, the doctor rose up, hunched, and proceeded into the hall, where the nurse, Yvonne, appeared to inquire as to why he had suddenly felt sick.
You sighed because your victory did not last long. But right after that, you found someone else who was also looking for a partner to play cards with. It was an elderly cardiology patient. You warmly encouraged the elderly man to sit on the chair. But after only a few minutes, before you could even play your first card, the old man sneezed loudly and said it was too windy out here and he felt cold. He then requested the nurse to take him inside.
How strange! You felt no cold at all, and it was not that windy here. You glanced around for other folks to play with. Since you had lost so much, you felt compelled to win many more games to compensate for the resentment in your heart. But another person came, then another, and another... Whether young or old, sick or healthy, everyone felt a shiver run down their spines as soon as they sat in the chair opposite yours. Was this table haunted or something?
You decided to change positions and see what happened. But, as you rose up and prepared to sit on that dreadful chair, you noticed a familiar figure from a table in the garden's most secluded corner. There was just one person seated there: Doctor Zayne.
"What are you doing?" You were outraged and dashed to inquire. It was not a work day for Zayne, and his casual dress added to his laid-back demeanor. He calmly replied:
“I'm waiting for someone to come play kitty cards with me.”
“It's not what I meant! Did you just use Evol on the people who came to my table?”
Zayne put his hands in his pockets, indifferently:
“A person may feel cold because their body is not feeling well. It's best for them to go inside for a check-up."
“That's it! Obviously you did something on purpose!” You muttered a few words of bitterness under your breath. Surely he had pulled a trick to ensure that no one would play cards with you again, and that you would not be able to taste glorious victory. You definitely must figure this out.
“Doctor Zayne, show me your hands.” You made it sound like a demand.
"Why?"
“I want to check your hands.” If Zayne had just used his Evol, his hands would still have ice on.
Of course, Zayne would never let you catch him that easily.His hands remained securely tucked in his coat pockets. Losing patience, you grabbed him with both hands.
“He who excuses himself, accuses himself! If you're innocent, why don't you prove it?"
Zayne did not respond. You used all of your might to take his hand from his pocket. He gazed at you briefly, a mischievous smirk on his lips. Then he took out his hand and spread it in front of you.
"Here. Don't mess around anymore.”
You carefully examined Zayne's hand. Nothing. The palm of his hand was just cool, not freezing. You huffed loudly. Unwilling to accept this defeat again, you quickly pulled up his sleeve. In the sunlight, little snowflakes emerged, dazzling precisely like your triumphant smile.
“Ah ha! Here it is! Doctor Zayne, I've caught you red-handed!”
Being exposed like that, Zayne did not flinch. He looked up at you and then, as quick as lightning, the hand you clutched tightly turned the tables. He grabbed yours and pulled you down into his arms.
"Be still. You're too loud.” Doctor Zayne grasped your waist and even placed his finger on your mouth to remind you to be quiet. Your chest rumbled again, especially at the notion of someone catching you both here, in this position.
Fortunately, the area was primarily covered with decorative plants. One must look attentively for the existence of a secret kitty cards table in this corner of the garden.
“Doctor Zayne,” you whispered. “You are too much! You scared away everyone who wanted to play cards with me. Now I can't win anymore."
Zayne gently nudged his head at yours. He seemed miserable.
“Do you like playing kitty cards with other people more than with me?”
You lifted your hand to massage your forehead. "Hmm. Of course. Because whenever I play with you, I always lose."
Zayne's eyebrows furrowed. He said: “Understood. Then I'll just make everyone else stay away from your table.”
"Eh! Doctor Zayne! I didn't expect you to be that unfair!”
Zayne smirked. His hand raised your face, causing you to stare into his eyes. “Be still. Do you want others to find us here?”
You turned red, but remained defiant. "What's the matter? Are you afraid that others will find out you're bullying me here?”
"Maybe."
He answered idly. Why did you suspect he was up to something? He leaned so near to you that you could detect a scent of mint candy on his breath. A soft kiss landed on your cheek.
“I intend to keep you here for myself. So that no one else can see your cute reactions when playing kitty cards anymore…”
He began kissing you, gently then fiercely. His kisses were as sweet as candy, cool as summer ice cream. His arm tightened around your waist, keeping your back straight. Your feet were lifted off the grass. Between kisses that melted the ice on Zayne's hands, he whispered:
“No one else, but me.”
Caleb
Never once had Caleb given in to you in kitty cards games. Every time you played cards with him, it ended in arguments, yelling, and even tears when you ran to tell Grandma about it.
And then, that trick no longer worked, since you had moved out and grown up. Caleb would not be swayed by a few tears from you.
“Don't do that anymore.” He spoke from the opposite side. “It won't work now.”
He proceeded calmly. You snorted. At this pace, you would lose. You did not want to do housework for the following week when you both returned home to see Grandma. Every time you played kitty cards with him, housework was what you bet on. The loser must do all the chores for the winner. This time, Caleb came to Linkon to pick you up before you both came home the day after.
“You are truly an evil person.” You murmured. His phone rang at the time, and while he was answering it, you swiftly took his green kitty and swapped it with another cup.
"Hey!" He grabbed your hand, hastily murmured something on the phone about calling back later, and hung up. He stared at you, clicking his tongue. “Cheater!”
"I did not cheat!" You lied. “This cat… wanted to climb out of the cup. I was just helping you catch it."
You attempted to draw your hand back. The cat returned to its previous place. Caleb still did not let you go. He shook his head:
“Cheating is cheating. If Gran knows about this, she would be so sad!”
“No way…” You pouted.
“I saw it with my own eyes. Don't deny it. You've lost this game.”
Caleb declared. Of course, you would never accept this result.
"I'm not lost! It's my turn! I haven't lost yet!”
He dropped the cards and placed them on the table. “Whoever cheats loses. Stop playing. We have an early train to catch tomorrow. It's over. A week of housework for you!”
Caleb grinned with victory. He rose up and attempted to leave. But you would not let him have it. You surged forward, flinging yourself onto his back. You pinched his ear and shouted:
"No! Play again! One more round! I have to restore my honor!”
Caleb fought but was unable to shove you down. He spoke:
"You've lost ten games already. Even if you keep playing, you won't be able to beat me, pip-squeak!"
"No! I refuse to lose! Let's play again!”
You kicked your legs hard, causing Caleb to lose his balance. Then you both sank into the comfy sofa. You could hear him mutter, his words garbled since his face was crushed against the mattress.
"Oh dear! What did you eat to become this heavy, pip-squeak?!”
You got up, but because he called you fat and you wanted vengeance for those ten lost games of kitty cards, you refused to get down and simply lay on his body.
“Get off, pip-squeak?”
"Nope. Unless you're willing to play ten more games, I won't come down."
Caleb smiled and sighed, powerless before your stubbornness. Finally, he turned so that you both lay on your sides on the sofa. Your back rested against his chest. Suddenly, you felt quite hot in the room.
“Are you confident that you will beat me in the next ten games?” Caleb asked. His breath brushed your hair and nape, leaving you ticklish.
"Yeah…" You responded quietly. Caleb placed one hand on your tummy and softly pressed, which startled you.
“But I don't want to play anymore.”
"Why not?"
Caleb did not respond, instead pressing his body further closer to you. It seemed you already had the answer. You looked at the virtual cats blinking on the table. They were waiting for both of you to start a new game. It was fine to let them wait a little longer.
“Pip-squeak, you know why.”
Your cheeks felt heated. You gently turned around and adjusted your posture to lie straight on the sofa, looking at him for a moment.
“Know what?”
Caleb smiled at you while you attempted to be innocent. He replied:
“Someone pretends she doesn't know anything. You just cheated. I haven't punished you yet."
“I don't remember anything.”
“When we were little, you made a rule that anyone who cheated would be punished, right?” Caleb reminded you of it.
“S-So… what kind of punishment do you want?” You nervously gazed up at him, waiting.
“How about this?…”
Caleb whispered. Then he began tickling you. You fought and yelled. You almost fell to the ground, but he caught you and drew you closer. You rested your hands on his chest to maintain balance.
“Okay… Is that it? Now… Can we continue playing?” You gasped for air as you gazed down at Caleb. He shook his head.
"Not yet. It was simply the beginning.”
You were about to protest when Caleb quickly locked your lips. The virtual kitties over there must wait a little longer then.
#love and deepspace#fanfic#love and deepspace fanfic#rafayel#qi yu#homura#xavier#shen xinghui#seiya#zayne#li shen#rei#caleb#mahiru#xia yizhou#lnds x reader#lads x reader#l&ds x reader#rafayel x you#rafayel x reader#rafayel x mc#xavier x reader#xavier x you#xavier x mc#zayne x reader#zayne x mc#zayne x you#lnds xavier#lnds rafayel#lnds zayne
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I'm going on hiatus!
It was a difficult month (few months, really) for me in terms of work. I started an illustration gig in May, with a deadline in June...I ended up finishing in September due to client issues. This job broke me, or at least landed the final blow and I am completely burnt out. Looking at art, thinking about it, makes me feel sick. I've been burnt out over the years, but it's never happened to me at this level before!
I'm no longer posting on twitter, just looking at the platform makes me want to scream and throw up, so I'm mostly on bluesky these days. I've uninstalled most social media apps from my phone and tbh I'm enjoying the silence, even if it's disconcerting.
October is my birthday month, and my gift to myself will be a much-needed (and kind of mandatory) break. I live in a two-income household, but will have to depend on my spouse financially for a while, and I'm fortunate to be in a position to do that. Whatever extra I can contribute, will be from prints and book sales. We were already scraping by, so this burnout comes at a bad time haha.
I will be pausing October billing on Patreon, so paying members will not be charged for the month. (Those of you being charged right now are being charged for September!)
While on break, I'll be travelling to see my family and dealing with various health things. I may be a bit disconnected, but the idea is to use this time to make a plan about what I can do about work in the future...maybe get some inspiration and motivation. I feel like I've been forced into this situation by my own brain, so I need to pamper it for a little bit to say sorry for not listening 😭
If you still want to support me during my break:
My digital comic store: https://payhip.com/Vimeddiee
Print store: https://www.inprnt.com/gallery/vimeddiee/
Ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/vimeddiee
Thank you so much!
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