#making good tackles?? doing solid headers??

[reijndeers]

KAI HAVERTZ MASTERCLASS??

[itsmaddienotmaddy]

Okay my ass passed tf out post game. But I just woke up again and can’t NOT put my lukewarm takes on the Internet.

USWNT v SWEDEN

Alyssa - did what she could? I’m sure she expected plenty of shots on goal because Sweden has proven to always be a solid opponent but I don’t think she was ready to be called upon all game. But there wasn’t a time where I was like ‘dang, maybe if Alyssa was a better keeper, we wouldn’t be down’. She was fine.

Becky - I find her hard pressed to say anyone did well, but all things considered, Becky was okay. She was carrying the ball forward more than usual, seemingly holding onto it a bit too long sometimes. But no one was really open for her, so what tf was she supposed to do.

Crystal - thank sweet baby Jesus for her recovery runs and slide tackles. I would not like to know what a score line would be without them. She unfortunately was super overloaded which caused a lot of uncharacteristic giveaway passes in dangerous spots. To her credit, she showed a lot of creativity breaking out of the three players that seemed to close in on her. But our midfield and forwards really hung her out to dry not offering outlets for her to pass to.

Abby - this was a tough game for Abby. She was getting caught on the outside shoulder instead of covering inside and allowed the center backs to be split on numerous occasions. She did have a few of her typical nice diagonal long balls. But really seemed frantic and was beat to the ball in the box on the goals.

Kelley - in the same camp as Becky. Of nothing detrimental. But nothing incredible. She wasn’t given the same amount of pressure as Crystal which made things better. But her passes could have been cleaner, crosses could have been more direct.

Tierna - things were pretty dismal by the time she came in. She did decent for the time left though. Not sure it would have helped anything but her height definitely could have beneficial to us as a center back earlier in the game.

Lindsey - not her day as the 6. She managed it well through the summer series and send off games, but Sweden is so different than the teams they played. She got lost. She was so needed to be Crystals outlet and to be that person that helped move the ball from side to side to break Sweden down. She was almost timid, it was weird. She started doing a bit better when she was back in her normal position. But the team was already back on their heels at that point so it didn’t help.

Rose - well god dammit. Rose was out there trying! It wasn’t working, but you could tell that she was not having it and was trying to make something happen. She was key in the passing combos the US managed to string together. Most glimmers of good came with her involvement. She still fell victim to holding the ball too long and passing directly to Sweden but I did appreciate her effort!

Sam - oh goodness, poor Sammy Bananas. This was not her game. She seemed like she was hiding behind Swedish players. She wasn’t open for anyone to pass to. And when she had the ball, more often than not, she was passing it to Sweden. It was hard to watch after she’s been playing so well. I will give a small positive that on a couple plays, she found her stride and did what she does best, driving the ball up centrally, pulling defenders, and passing out wide for a cross in. She needed off at half though, glad Vlatko pulled her.

Julie - well shit balls I really wish she was 100%. Her being in wasn’t a game changer. I mean, duh they still scored twice in the second half. But there were moments I was like, oh yeah. That’s what it’s like to have Julie Ertz playing the 6. That’s nice. She is far from full game fit though, and you could tell she’s nervous going 150% into hard tackles. And with being out for all the buildup games, her chemistry with everyone is a little off.

Kristie - she wasn’t in long. But she’s was running her butt off. Like Tierna, it’s not like she could do much to help. She didn’t do anything to hurt though. Her energy was good to see, who knows if her coming in earlier could have sparked something. (Probably not but it’s fun to dream)

Alex - welp. She was in there. Few decent runs into the box. Was there for the header off Christen’s beautiful first half cross. But very lost, not connecting, I had no issue with. Vlatko pulling her at half for Carli.

Tobin - after the excitement of her return in the Mexico games, it sucked to see her like this. To her credit, she was all over the damn pitch trying to make things happen. But in doing so, was out of position which didn’t make switching the field easier. Sweden had to time for her foot skills and just bodied her off of things. She had some of our most promising offensive plays though. And history has proven that pissing Tobin off means she is going to pop off. Waiting for that!

Christen - the goal post is not her friend. So rude. She also gave us some of our closest goal opportunities. But dang. She needed to be helping Crystal on defense big time. And she needed to provide a better outlet pass and not just the option of a ball over the top. I honestly forgot she was out there sometimes which was uncharacteristic.

Carli - I was actually happy to see her come in. But she couldn’t break the funk the team was in. I’m sure a game like this will make her work harder, so maybe that’s good. I don’t know.

Pinoe - came in with a little spark. She was a positive sub. But we were such a mess at that point it didn’t do much. I wish she was full ninety fit, we needed her chaos.

All in all. We all watched the mess. We know. They were outplayed. Sweden is fucking GOOD. We just played them, it wasn’t a surprise. At least, it shouldn’t have been. Maybe it’s the Sweden Olympic curse. Maybe it’s because the USWNT has been go go go all year and has run themselves a little ragged with the camps and friendlies along with NWSL. Doesn’t matter. They knew the Olympics were coming. They weren’t good enough and I hope they turn it around.

Hopefully next game we can remember what jerseys we’re wearing so we can pass to the right team and everyone gets a good night sleep so we can LOOK ALIVE OUT THERE.

[cadopan]

Arsenal’s player ratings for Arsenal vs West Ham FAWSL Matchday 6 (4-0)

Arsenal Women having a field day at Meadow Park with guns blazing; providing us with a much more comfortable watch compared to the men earlier in the day, but not far off in terms of matching their un-clinical finishing and chances not put away.

Starting XI:

Manu — 6.5/10. again, went on a holiday in her goalkeeping area and had even less to do than the last game (where she only had to make one save). if i recall correctly, i don’t think she even had to get down on the ground at all today?? understand that Jonas prefers to have a fixed no.1 now, but maybe Lydia should get some game time soon. 

Noelle — 7/10. consistent as usual, played some lovely one-twos with the right wingers in front of her and had a solid performance overall. got caught out of position sometimes and had tricky crosses sent in from her side, but that’s bound to happen if the team is on the front foot and doing more attacking instead of defending 90% of the time. 

Leah — 6/10. would have to say the poorest player on the team today just because of the two giant mistakes she made in playing out of the back; very easily would have been the culprit of two West Ham goals and given them momentum in a crucial time of the game. recovered well to distribute seamlessly and remain solid at the back, but today was an uncharacteristic performance given her exceptional start to the season and high standards everybody has come to expect. 

Lotte — 6.5/10. fared better compared to her fellow CB partner, but also made an erroneous back pass that West Ham should have done more to capitalise on. i think with defenders, it’s just a case whereby because Arsenal are so dominant and there’s minimal defending to actually do, the mistakes tend to stand out more. and i have to say, they were quite suspect on closing down some shots and winning headers in the box, just let off the hook because West Ham didn’t have that crisp finishing. 

Katie — 7.5/10. vital clearance to bail out Leah for her mistake, and unsurprisingly ventured forward time and again to offer an attacking option. didn’t get to continue her goal-scoring streak today (definitely felt the sizzle in her shots though, if only they were on target). anyhoo, she’s got that LB position locked down.

Mana — 7.5/10. dangerous and vibrant in the first half, dazzled again with her footwork and ability to twist and turn in the tightest of spaces, and unlucky that both her shots rattled off the goalposts. faded as the game went on, and try as hard as she may, she doesn’t have much of a presence defensively (unfortunately not blessed with size and physique), so that is a clear weakness of her game. sidenote: she made a sliding tackle that almost took down her bff Yui Hasegawa on the opposition team which I thought was quite hilarious. 

Frida — 8.5/10. the next best player after the goalscorers today, she was shoving West Ham players off the ball and bossing that midfield left and right today. sent wonderful long balls to the wingers time and again, and really, it’s insane how good she is at such a young age. it’s so breathtaking that even the commentators can’t help but remind you of it every 5 minutes. but yeah, Frida long-range worldie incoming next match. 

Kim Little — 9/10. what more can you say? she had 2 chances and she produced 2 goals, doesn’t get more clinical than that. probably the best all-rounded midfielder in the league, if not the world at the moment... despite the strength and depth in the squad this season, she’s the one player i would pick out as irreplaceable in the team, even ahead of Beth or Viv. 

Keets — 6/10. okay, she did have that one good driving run and assist to Beth, but other than that she just frustrated me the rest of the time she was on. i think it’s apparent that she works her socks off and is super tenacious, great at winning fouls too, but her judgement in defining moments bruh... the number of wayward crosses to nowhere and glorious opportunities she squandered, left me wondering what Tobin could’ve done with those chances. 

Cait — 6.5/10. again, i feel like i’m repeating myself from the last game, but she had another chance to put her hat in the ring for that central striker spot and didn’t manage to make the most of it. the biggest difference with her and Viv, aside from the pure finishing quality, is that she doesn’t offer any creative element so her game is largely limited to two areas: 1) connecting with headers from incoming crosses, or 2) receive the ball at her feet and fashion a shot or hold-up play (which tbf she is great at). i would say her header deserved to go in tho, it was simply a superb save by Mackenzie Arnold. ah, to be denied by your fellow Aussie teammate. 

Beth — 8.5/10. Kim just edges it for my MOTM but boy, was she on fire again today. it’s almost as if you can sense an intimidation in the defenders who have to go up against her, because everyone is aware of the form she’s in and how threatening she can be as both provider and finisher. the way she’s practically rivalling Viv as the predominant goal-scoring threat in the team atm is unbelievable; this would have been unthinkable a season ago and i’m just so happy she’s peaking at this stage of her playing career.  Subs:

Viv — 7/10. looked ever-so nonchalant and casual in her cameo appearance today but did a fine job linking the play from midfield and again, disproving any doubters that she is merely an in-the-box striker; her vision and passing range are amongst the top few in the team. seems to be enjoying the burden of scoring goals being lifted from her shoulders and dabbling a lot more in creativity this season. 

Lia — 6.5/10. happily went about her duties this time as rotational sub for others to get their rest, as is becoming a fixture with Jonas’ game management style. nothing flashy or outstanding, just regular stuff to see the game out. 

Jordan — 6.5/10. same as Lia, the lead was comfortable when they came on, although Arsenal never looked like they wanted to take the foot off the gas. maybe could’ve attempted some shots because every one of Arsenal’s attacking midfield (Kim, Frida, Mana) have been prolific goal threats and we’d all love for her to get her first goal of the season soon too.  Simone — N/A. got a bit more minutes in the bag than last game, but barely had much to do again. makes you wonder, if she didn’t get that injury right after joining, where she would be in the CB pecking order. shoutout to Viki too who i feel like i haven’t seen in forever, even though she had that mini reappearance before being ruled out again :( 

Steph — N/A. feels like we haven’t seen the best of her since that horrible mauling she suffered at the hands of Barca’s attackers in the UWCL opening game, hope she steps it up and gives Katie a good challenge for the nod at left-back. kind of like what Nuno Tavares is doing to Tierney right now; competition undeniably raises everyone’s levels so we want to see more of that.  Bonus: Jonas Eidevall — 8/10. fairly smooth-sailing day at the office for him and his team. switching Beth and Keets on the wings in the first half was a great move because Beth was quiet at the beginning on the left but then came alive once she moved to the right. 

Referee — 7/10. no major decisions that caused an upset, if i recall. noticed however that the broadcast refrained from replaying the scenes of offside as the game went on. not sure if that was coincidental or hoping to deter bringing the spotlight on potential officiating errors, after what was a dubious start to the season in terms of referee decisions, to say the least.  Overall: real credit to the way West Ham managed to create pretty solid chances for themselves, and especially starting the game strongly. Also enjoyed today’s game which was more open due to their willingness to attack, as compared to other teams that prefer the strategy of ‘sit deep, hold out for as long as possible, and eventually succumb to Arsenal’s quality’. You could tell that they’re a side that has confidence in their abilities and performances this season. That being said, our goal difference at +21 after 6 games is just ridiculous, literally the stuff of dreams. 

COYG!!!

p.s. feel free to send in any questions or opinions you might’ve had on the game, or even opinions on the player ratings haha. all in good fun. 

[footballandgirls2]

Some thoughts about each player’s performance which no one asked for but you’re getting anyway because I have Opinions That I Need To Share.

Jane Campbell

With the US back line being so solid means that their keepers are rarely challenged. It boils down to concentration for if/when the back line slips up, which is rarely more than once or twice a match. Jane kept her concentration and came off her line quickly when needed (like, twice) so in that aspect, which is pretty much the only aspect we can analyse against lesser teams, she delivered.

Becky Sauerbrunn

The back line is so good because Becky is SO good. I can only remember one pass that wasn’t executed perfectly. Diagonal balls fantastic, as usual. Wouldn’t expect anything less. Clearly doing a great job as (official) captain.

Tierna Davidson

Baby T looked so at home out there that it’s easy to forget she’s just 22. So mature, so calm. Good positional awareness and fantastic forward passes. Would love to see her tested against bigger teams because she’s held her own so far. Would be difficult to leave out Becky or Abby but if either can’t play for whatever reason, Tierna deserves to be straight in there.

Kelley O’Hara

Funny to see a pre-planned sub at 30 minutes rather than 60 minutes?! Either way, in those 30 minutes she was classic Kelley, getting high up the field and overlapping with the midfield seamlessly. If that knock is still bothering her, you couldn’t tell. Still the number one RB choice.

Emily Sonnett

What a difference a game makes. Massively struggled against Brazil which is to be expected against the likes of Marta but her decision making in that match was questionable. Much better in this game and managed to play her way out of trouble really well a few times. Got higher up the pitch which led to some decent crosses in the box. Also, SO versatile - 3 positions in one match requires quick adaptation which Vlatko no doubt appreciated.

Casey Krueger

Didn’t come up short (👀 - sorry!). Would never have guessed she wasn’t a starter because she absolutely smashed that LB position. Link up play with Kristie down the left side was spot on and her diagonal balls to switch the play were amazing too. May be too late for the Olympics 18 but showed she has a few years left on the national team.

Midge Purce

Is a great defender considering she’s not a defender. Decent passes into the box and tracked back quickly when necessary. Would love to see her get more solid minutes.

Julie Ertz

Played so deep she was literally on the back line half the time? Weird considering Argentina weren’t a huge attacking threat. Wasn’t as instrumental as she normally is. Sure she’ll be back though - it would take a miracle for her to not make the Olympic roster.

Rose Lavelle

A fairly quiet game by Rose’s standards but that’s a testament to how incredible she usually is. Probably tired from carrying the midfield in the last two matches! She’s literally everywhere and overlaps beautifully with everyone. Her creativity was missed when she wasn’t on the pitch. How someone is so fluid on the pitch but so awkward off it is baffling. Love it.

Lindsey Horan

As above in terms of being relatively quiet. Seemed to tone down the physicality, for better or worse. Don’t think she’s an inherently aggressive player but is just so god damn strong that she wins nearly every one-on-one without even tackling. Impressive, really. Managed to get loose in the box on set pieces and unfortunate not to connect for a classic Horan header.

Kristie Mewis

W. O. W. Deserved the start and proved it throughout the 90 minutes. Fantastic movement and turn for her goal. Maybe doesn’t press as hard as other midfielders but her positioning is amazing. Making a BIG case for taking her to Tokyo.

Jaelin Howell

Fit in easily in midfield which is hugely promising in such a talented team. Would like to see her get more minutes. Can’t see her making the Olympic roster just yet but definitely a bright future.

Sophia Smith

Got in some good positions in the box and was stopped only by an Argentina who marked so closely in the second half. Also needs more minutes because there’s no way she’s replacing Tobin as the right forward. Yet.

Christen Press

Every minute she plays, she gets closer to being back to her best. Still think she’s got a way to go because when she’s on fire ain’t nobody stopping her. Would like to see her take on more players 1v1 because as showed against Brazil she’s more than capable. Good positioning in the box waiting to poach for her goal.

Megan Rapinoe

If you think she’s too old, she’s not. She’s slightly slowing down physically for sure but not mentally. She’s on this team to get goals and she delivered by having the awareness to get into good positions and the confidence to take on the shot. Nowhere near a write off.

Carli Lloyd

She IS too old but she’s still not slowed to a point where you can easily drop her. Having said that, she should be more clinical because she could have had two or three. Still kinda hoping she reaches 300 caps she’ll retire from the national team and give way to others. But it’s Carli, so, who knows. She’d be playing with Charlie, Roux and Sloane if she had her way.

Alex Morgan

Fantastic positioning but the execution still isn’t fully there, but my god it is so close. Sucks that she’ll be judged on the opportunities she missed but that’s the life of a number 9. No doubt she’ll be back to form soon though, and it’ll pay Vlatko to be patient. Don’t think the rotation of the squad is doing her any favours and it’d probably help her to have consistent players either side of her, which may come at the Olympics.

What do you think? Agree or disagree?

[bittersweetsky3]

my breakdown of the uswnt players

ashlyn harris: big gay, “most beautiful brick wall we’ve ever seen” -kyle krieger, underrated goalkeeper, bitch™, 1/2 of “pookie”, 1/2 of krashlyn, loves babies and would be the best mom

ali krieger: kriegs, kriegy, kriegyboo, best right back in the world? yes. tough as nails and had the final touches on the ball during the world cup after not being called up for 2 years, won’t ever be seen without her mascara, softie, 1/2 of krashlyn, apparently can play forward as of the uswnt vs ireland victory tour game??? okay

mallory pugh: baby, made uswnt debut at 17, mini trackstar, i can definitely see her as a future alex morgan in terms of goals, dork, somehow managed to be on the national team and be in college at the same time

tobin heath: the coolest cat there ever was, will break your ankles and steal your soul, nutmeg queen ™, looks like she will kill you but is actually a cinnamon roll, surfer dude, dresses like a frat guy, 1/2 of harry, 1/2 of preath, came out of the womb in her tar heels jersey, loves jordan (basketball), and remember kids— you can’t copy cool.

christen press: peace? she is peace, yoga god, can run 32mph and will make you look like an idiot trying to catch her, soft but isn’t afraid to steal your soul with a nutmeg, def watches marie kondo, 1/2 of preath, stanford—actually set their all time scoring record

alex morgan: janice, radiates big gay energy but is surprisingly straight, 100 goals and counting, every goal keepers worst nightmare, looks like she will kill you but is actually soft, a big dork, pink headband ™ , the most popular of the bunch and honestly, rightly so. this woman is a fricking superstar.

emily sonnett: sonny, son, dasani, self proclaimed sit down comedian, frat daddy jr, a walking meme, uswnt professional hype man, big dumbass but we love her, kelley is training her in defense, will score goals in the most random yet most crucial of times (see portland thorns fc playoffs)

kelley o’hara: frat daddy, KO, kevin, karen from legal, worms, scare queen, middle child “we need a bitch, get kelley” -jill ellis, a medical miracle— somehow survived a concussion during the world cup final and then proceeded to drink for the next 7 days to celebrate, will never have to pay for beer ever again, chaotic, mother of her adopted crackheads (sonnett & rose), iconically kissed her girlfriend after the world cup win, stanford, great long balls for assists, has played every position except goalkeeper, brick wall

lindsey horan: THE GREAT HORAN, linessi (for her love of messi), sneaky, best midfielder in my opinion, killer foot, player with the second most number of fouls in the nwsl but also one of the most fouled, amazing assists and headers, went pro straight out of high school bc she’s just great like that, won the ball in duels 116 more times than anyone else in the league (nwsl)

tierna davidson: little t, t, baby gay™, pulls her injured girlfriend around in a wagon, stanford, calm, def a book nerd, probably the most normal out of the bunch, baby becky, under the radar but i can see her becoming big in the future—becky is training her, owns a kelley o’hara stanford jersey and loves it maybe more than anything

allie long: wine mom, 1/2 of harry, 1/2 of pookie, not much to say about her tbh, great passes, loves scaring people, hangs with kelley and alex a lot, content provider, doesn’t get a whole lot of minutes anymore but when she does get them, she doesn’t often disappoint, solid defense most of the time

sam mewis: tower of power, panic petunia, tallest women’s soccer player in history, pale besties with rose, great midfielder, will take the ball from you mid-game if you’re just standing there and not doing anything with it (see wwc final), scored in the top 1% of an IQ test the uswnt and usmnt held, loves reading and harry potter, chaotic when with rose & sonnett

rose lavelle: sweet baby rose, def the next generation of greatness, pale af and she knows it, dork, loves her dog, wilma, more than anything in the world, killer left foot, loves twitter, she’s from ohio and proud of it (i’m biased lol)

crystal dunn: dunny, constantly dancing, has played every position besides goalkeeper—sometimes multiple in one game, worked her ass off to make the 2019 world cup roster after being cut in 2015, bitch is drowning in awards (like seriously, this girl is amazing), underrated friendship with tobin

becky sauerbrunn: broon, usually rolls her sleeves, fishtail braid that she’s not afraid to whip in your face, the united states secretary of defense, loves cats and science fiction, nobody makes her bleed her own blood, got cut in the world cup final and still played the rest of the game despite needing 6 stitches, sophisticated, legally not allowed to leave us until she gets a goal

alyssa naeher: uncle, loves her crosswords, underrated, underestimated, under appreciated, saved our asses in the world cup game against england, quiet but soft

julie ertz: JJ, invented marriage, tough as nails, blue headband ™, will slide tackle anyone who enters her field of vision, she is usually bleeding by the end of a game, uses her body as a weapon, killer headers when she gets the chance, occasionally dresses like a frat guy

abby dahlkemper: bellpepper, this girl beat a sepsis infection and the chance of losing her leg. if that doesn’t say bad ass, idk what will. flies under the radar most of the time but plays some great long balls, especially for alex

carli lloyd: carlos, carla, oldest player on the team and she’s still got it, probably will retire soon :( , loves ice baths, queen of new jersey, beast from the east, can score from midfield and has, truly just legendary and did so much for women’s soccer

morgan brian: moe, bean, second most normal of the bunch, don’t really get to see her play much but when she does, she’s tricky, loves pick up soccer, even though she’s young, she’s a ‘15er, one of four to ever win the MAC hermann trophy two years in a row, kinda died (metaphorically) for a bit and everyone sorta forgot about her after the 2015 world cup but we still love her!

megan rapinoe: pinoe, sorta controversial, love her or hate her, she gets the job done, outspoken, NOT going to the white house, so proud of her younger teammates, big goals, big moments, leaves an impression, occasionally referred to as president pinoe, dating sue bird of the wmba

adrianna franch: AD, one of our goalkeepers, doesn’t get a lot of minutes but that doesn’t mean she’s not good— if you want to see her in action, watch a portland thorns fc game!! chill, funny, engaged to her gorgeous girlfriend

jessica macdonald: jmac, the only mom on the team, doesn’t play often so there’s not much to say about her but she does really well on her club team (north carolina courage), chill

let me know if i forgot anything!!

[theradicalscrivener]

21 Dollar Foot long

It’s been a hot minute, but I have a new fic for youse guise. 

Angus receives a new app from his buddy which claims to allow him to host his very own growth drive! Angus could use the money, and it’s not like the app can really grow his cock. It’s just trick photography and photo manipulation, right?

                                                                                                                                      Angus was sitting at his desk when he heard the familiar chime of a file being sent coming from his desktop computer. Having nothing better to do, he quickly opened up the chat window to see who had sent the file and what the nature of the file was. Angus was not at all surprised to see the message had come from his best bud, Donald.

              “Check out this latest program I made” read Donald’s message.

              “What does it do?” Angus asked.

              “Oh. You’re gonna love this. You know those growth drive things that have been going around on Twitter?” Donald asked.

              “Yeah?” Angus replied.

              “Well, I got to thinking. Why don’t we try making one of our own!” Donald said.

              “You know as well as I do that neither of us can draw for shit.” Angus replied.

              “That’s the beauty of it. We won’t have to! Just fire up this program, pop in a few parameters, and let the magic of modern technology do the rest!” Donald said.

              The whole conversation was carried out via text so it’s not like Angus could really hear the tone of Donald’s voice, but the speed at which he was firing back responses as well as the various typos made it pretty obvious that Donald was beyond excited by his latest pet project.

              “If this is such a great idea, why haven’t you done it already?” Angus asked.

              “Well…. I was kind of hoping that you’d be the one to try it out.” Donald replied.

              “Me?” Angus asked.

              “Yeah. I mean… You’ve already got the looks. I bet you’d have people lining up to see what you can do.” Donald replied.

              “If you wanted to see me naked there are much easier ways to go about it.” Angus teased.

              It was obvious by the ellipsis on the bottom of the chat program that Donald was typing something, but the long pause in between Angus’s comment and Donald’s actual reply made it clear that Donald was having a hard time picking his words.

              After what seemed like ages, Donald finally replied, “Just try it out. You said so yourself you were strapped on cash. This could be a great way to make a few bucks.”

              Angus couldn’t argue with that… well, he could argue with that, but he didn’t see the point in it. Truth be told, he was curious about what Donald’s program could actually do, and it’s not like there was any harm in firing it up.

              Angus shrugged and clicked the file. Once it had finished downloading, he fired it up and easily coasted through the installation options and eventually got the app up and running on his computer. He was amazed at how clean and easy to use the app was. All it took was a few clicks and a few permissions and the program was fully booted up and ready to go. It had even gained access to Angus’s webcams. The cameras had already fired up and were fixated on him. One feed was zoomed out to show his whole body, and the other was zoomed in on his crotch, although since he was currently wearing boxers, the second feed only got a good glimpse of plaid.

              Angus took a moment to look through all the options. It didn’t take him long to get a feel for how this app worked. There were some basic parameters he could choose. First, he had to link it to an account that he would receive pledges from viewers, and then he got to choose how much he would grow per pledge. There were tons of options he could choose from as far as how much to grow for each dollar value, but most of them seemed too unrealistic. He could do something ridiculous like 1cm per $20, but that would take forever to see any growth, and he doubted anyone would pay money to see something like that, especially since it was all just going to be on the fly footage editing. Angus could just imagine how he would look during his cam show with a comically stretched out ten-inch-long dong that seemed to curve and distort every time it moved as if it was being viewed through a convex mirror.

              Eventually he decided to just click one inch per each $3 donation. This seemed like a safe enough bet. People did Ko-Fis all the time for growth drives so there were obviously people who would pay that much to see some trick photography do its thing. With the parameters set and his account linked, all that was left to do was to fire up the stream, and fortunately Angus had a site already in mind to host his little cam show. All it took was a few keystrokes, and he was logging and ready to go.

              “Hey guys,” Angus said awkwardly and waved to his webcam. He could see the footage displaying on his computer screen of himself waving back at him as well as a second window of just a close-up of his still plaid-clad junk.

              At the moment there was no one to reply back to his welcome, but that didn’t take long to change. Once his stream was live there was a steady trickle of viewers who popped in to check out what was up. The icon of the stream just showed an old photo of Angus flexing for the cam so a few people were there to see the hot, beefy stud wearing even less than he was in his avatar pic, but there were a few who had stumbled in because they were bored and looking for a few whack and a few who had stumbled in out of pure curiosity. His stream header promised dick growth, and that’s not something you saw every day.

              There were only a few people in the stream by the time Angus got his first comment. “Now eventually you might have dicks on your dick stream, yes?” the comment read.

              “Oh right. I suppose I ought to get right on into it,” Angus said. He got up from his chair and took a step back, all the while keeping an eye on his cam feeds to make sure that the cameras were still staying focused on him. Sure, enough one camera remained focused on his body and the other remained zoomed in on his crotch. Angus took just a moment to steel his nerves before hooking his thumbs into the waistband of his boxers and shimmying them down. It didn’t take long for his perfectly modest five inches to spill into view.

              Angus was just about to sit down on the foot of his bed and get to wanking when he saw another comment pop up on his stream, but he quickly realized a small flaw in his master plan. It was tough to keep an eye on the comments on his computer while he was seated at his bed. He quickly scooped up his phone which he had left beside his PC and logged into his own stream so he could read the comments. While he was scanning the newest comment a few more popped up, but they all said roughly the same thing.

              “Nice.”

              “Great cock, bro.”

              The real comment that caught his attention though wasn’t even part of his actual stream. Angus phone buzzed twice alerting him to two new messages: One text message and one email. Angus checked the text first since he doesn’t normally worry too much about emails, but the nature of the text made him keen to check his email immediately after.

              The message had come from his pal, Donald. “Looks like you could use something to get the ball rolling there,” the message read. It didn’t take Angus long at all to figure out what Donald meant. Angus almost immediately felt a strange sensation across his cock and balls. It was a slight warmth almost as if his junk was pulsing with energy. Angus instinctively glanced down at his cock and what he saw made his jaw drop. His bait and tackle were actually growing! It wasn’t just the fact that he was getting hard either. He was always more of a shower than a grower, but even ignoring that fact, getting a boner wouldn’t make his nuts swell up too.

              Angus quickly checked his email to confirm his suspicions. Sure enough, the recent email was from PayPal alerting him to a new donation of $3 from his pal, Donald, but that was just the start. Even while he was checking his new message his phone buzzed a couple more times, but rather than having a new email show up in his email list numbers appeared next to the PayPal alert email. First x2… then x3… then x4…

              Angus checked the comments on his stream. He was too dumbfounded to do much modeling for his new fans, but his cock was more than happy to put on a show. He solid six inches was rock hard at this point and steadily creeping up in size as he read the recent comments.

              “Woah! Did his dick just grow!?”

              “No way!”

              “I gotta try this out.”

              “Same. I got three bucks to throw at this.”

              “Me too. I got three bucks in my couch cushion.”

Sure enough, those commenters made good on their goal and tossed another $9 Angus’s way for a combined total of three more inches. Angus stared on in awe as his cock went from six inches… to seven… to eight… to nine… He couldn’t believe his eyes. He had gone from a perfectly average five inches to a porn star nine incher in the span of a few minutes! This wasn’t trick photography. This was real! Donald’s app actually worked! Angus was too stunned to think too hard on it. All he could do was stare at his cock. He had to be sure what he was seeing was real. He had to feel it with his own hands, and his audience was only all too happy to watch him do just that.

             Angus plopped down at the foot of his bed and wrapped a hand around his fat cock. He could barely fathom how huge his dick was now. It was like gripping a water bottle. His cock used to only just barely poke out past his palm when he gave his rod a good tug, but now he had room to spare. He could almost get his whole other hand around his shaft, and judging by the buzz of his phone, he got the impression that would soon be possible.

             Sure enough, Angus felt a familiar warmth pulse through his penis while he had his hand around his crank. He could actually feel his dick getting thicker in his hand. His had to loosen his grip as his cock grew fatter in the palm of his hand, but that wasn’t all that changed. His dick not only got thicker but longer as well, and his balls were growing right alongside the rest of his junk. His nuts had grown from the size of cherries to the size of cherry tomatoes and were showing no signs of slowing down just yet.

             Angus continued to stroke his swelling cock with one hand while he held his phone in the other and glanced at the comments in his stream. The comments were really blowing up. His did a double take as he saw that his follower count had quickly climber through the double digits and were rapidly approaching triples, and it didn’t take him long to find out why. A few of the comments said it all.

             “Oh man. He’s huge! I know a site that’s gonna love him!”

             “Is his dick growing!? No way! I gotta show this to my server!”

             “I gotta share this on Twitter. They’re gonna go nut for this guy!”

             “God. They gotta see this on discord.”

              Angus had gone viral, and more viewers meant more potential donators, which explained a lot about why his phone felt more like a vibrator than a minicomputer. Angus could scarcely fathom how fast his cock had reached porn star status, and it didn’t seem like his growth was going to slow down any time soon. Judging by all the new arrivals, he might reach absurd sizes in the very near future.

              Angus stared at his cock as it continued to grow and swell. He was so shocked at what he was seeing that his mind was lagging. As his cock grew past a full foot of fat dong, he started to wonder if maybe he ought to pull the plug on this little pet project or at the very least turn off the donations. He was more than happy to spend a little bit of time exploring his newly enlarged cock and he was sure his audience would love to watch him do so.

              Angus was just about to get up from his seat at the foot of his bed and put a cap on donations, but something was stopping him from doing so. It was like his body refused to cooperate. He knew he should stop this before it got out of hand, he really did, but at the same time this thought in the back of his mind wouldn’t shut up. His cock was already hot as hell at a full foot. How great would it look like when it got even bigger? It had just gotten hotter and huger and sexier with each added inch. Just the thought of packing on a few more points on his pecker had his dick drooling pre. He could soon have a world record shattering schlong! Angus didn’t know what the current record actually was, but he was sure he rivaled it already. Even as he sat there staring at his schlong, he could feel his phone buzzing and see his dick swelling. It had surpassed a solid foot, that was for sure, but how huge was it really? He could always do the math, sure. He had a list of all the donors and knew how much dick he had started with. It would be a simple matter of tallying to donations to see how huge his cock was now, but where’s the fun in that? It had no punch. No pizazz.

              Angus quickly got up from his seat and scrambled for his desk, but he didn’t touch his computer. Instead he opened the drawer and fumbled through the various items inside. At first, he pulled out his trusty ruler, but after a quick glance at his computer screen he quickly changed his mind. The camera feeds now both showed a close-up of his cock and balls, and it was plain to see the foot-long standard ruler would no longer suffice. The tip of Angus’s rock-hard cock now poked well past his belly button. Just seeing how huge his cock looked on cam made Angus even more excited, and his excitement led to a great show for his adoring public. His dick dribbled pre for all to see. He was so hot and bothered that his hands trembled as he dug deeper into his drawer for something that would do the job better than his now too small ruler, and soon he found what he needed. A tape measurer.

              Angus plopped back down at the foot of his bed and hurriedly unfurled a segment of the tape measurer and held it up to his humongous cock. His dick was already sixteen inches long and growing by the second! He had to have hands down the largest cock of any dude on the planet! Surely this would be big enough, right? But even as he thought that he could hear his phone buzzing on the bed beside him. The donations were still flowing in!

              Angus once again argued over whether or not to call it then and there. He could pull the plug on the stream right now and cap donations. He already had a cock that was seventeen inches long and growing by the second! His dick was beyond huge! His dick was already so thick that he couldn’t even hope to wrap a hand all the way around it. His cock was about as fat as a two-liter bottle of Coke. He had balls the size of large, ripe grapefruit, but even as he debated, he couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to be even bigger. His cock already looked so amazing, and it was just getting hotter as it grew and grew. Surely it couldn’t hurt to add a few more inches to his already amazing cock.

              Angus watched the twin video feeds as he reached down and cupped his balls in how hands and gawked at what he saw. The tip of his cock now reached up to his pecs. His nuts were now so huge that either enlarged orb filled an entire palm and then some. At the rate he was going he was soon to have nuts the size of his head! The mere thought of it caused his nearly two feet of fat cock to buck and lurch excitedly. Pre flowed freely down his humongous cock and his massive nuts and dripped onto the floor below.

              Angus knew he needed to dial things back a bit if for no other reason than he was close to cumming, and the stream had barely even begun. He wanted to give his audience a good show and maybe squeeze a few more inches out of his donors before he blew his load.

              Angus reached over for his phone which he had dropped on his bed when he had decided to be a bit more hands-on with his cock. He quickly unlocked the screen and skimmed over the chat to see what he had missed. The answer to that was not much. Most of the comments seemed to be more of the same.

              “He’s so hot.”

              “That cock is fantastic!”

              “He’s almost big enough!”

              Angus had to smirk at these comments. Was he almost big enough or was he just beginning? That was for his fans to decide – and decide they did! For no sooner had Angus had that thought than the conversation took a drastic turn.

              “Nothing says we have to donate in increments of $3, right?” Someone asked.

              “Not that I know of, why?” came a reply.

              “Well, I think this is going a little too slowly.”

              “I can put down some money for a BIG spurt.”

              “I’ll match it!”

              “Me too!”

              “Let’s see him get YUGE!”

              Angus gasped at what he saw. Just how much were they talking about chipping in? He had already packed on nearly twenty inches. His once average cock was now full two feet long! His dick reached past his nips and was as thick as his beefy bicep! His nuts were now the size of cantaloupes!

              Even as Angus pondered just what his donors had in mind his phone buzzed to alert him that he had a new email. His hand trembled as he opened the email to see just what it was. He was not surprised to see it was another PayPal notice, but what did surprise him was the amount.

              “I just chipped in 30 bucks.” One commenter said.

              Angus read it again to be sure. Thirty dollars! That’s ten whole inches! That’s almost half what he already has!

              “I said I’d match it and I will!” came the respond.

              Sure enough, his phone buzzed again to alert him to yet another email, but he didn’t need to read this one to see what it meant. The previous email alerting him to a thirty-dollar donor now had an x2 next to it to indicate a duplicate. Sixty dollars… That was twenty whole inches coming at him fast!

              Angus stared in awe as his cock began to grow with renewed vigor. Soon the tip of his dick was at his collar bone, and then his chin, and soon it was eye level! It wasn’t long before his dick poked up above his head. Angus stared in awe at the behemoth as it towered over him. His dick was almost as thick as he was, and Angus was no slouch at the gym! He had to feel it with his own hands to be sure it was real. He ran his hands up and down along the length of his newly enhanced rod. His hands looked and felt so tiny against his nearly four feet of fat cock. It was hard to believe that just this morning he could easily wrap a hand around his dick. Now he could wrap both ARMS around his cock.

              Angus peeked around his humongous cock to get a glimpse at the camera feeds. Both feeds were now basically showing the exact same footage – a giant cock with some arms and legs poking out from behind it. Angus could scarcely fathom how huge his cock had become. His nuts had swelled up right alongside his dick as well. His nuts were now as large as prize pumpkins! They hung off the edge of his bed and drooped almost down to the floor below!

              Angus’s phone began to buzz once more. He couldn’t believe it. He was already so huge, and people were STILL tossing money at him? He quickly scooped up his phone, unlocked the screen, and perused chat once more.

              “FUCK He’s huge!”

              “That’s so fucking hot!”

              “He’s almost more cock than man now!”

              “Almost”

              “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

              Angus gasped at what he saw. They couldn’t possibly be thinking what he thought they were thinking. Growing his cock even more so that he was more cock than man? That’s ridiculous! Yet even as the thought crossed his mind his massive schlong lurched with glee. Pre oozed down his four feet of cock, and his phone buzzed again and again.

              Angus watched in shock and awe as his cock climbed higher and higher. It was coming dangerously close to hitting the light fixture above his bed and showing no signs of slowing down, and even without looking he could tell his nuts were growing too. He could feel the cool, faux-hardwood laminate of his dorm room floor against the underside of his swollen nuts.

              Angus craned his neck around his monstrous cock and stole a glance at the video feeds. His cock now touched his ceiling. His nuts now rested solidly on the floor like a pair of massive, fleshy bean bag chairs. Angus knew for a fact he needed to stop this, and soon! His cock was thicker than full-sized punching bag! When he wrapped his arms around it his fingers only just barely touched on the opposite side.

              Angus unlocked his phone once more and quickly typed a message into the chat. “Ok, guys. That’s enough for one day.” But his message was met with an automated message from the server. “Guests may not comment on this video. Please log in.”

              Angus’s eyes fell upon the follower count in the corner of the screen. His cock was now so huge that it hit the ceiling! He had to angle it back to keep it from mashing against the light fixture above him, and he was still gaining followers and fast! He couldn’t believe there were so many people pouring in even this late into the stream, but it didn’t take him long to figure out why.

              “I shared the link to this vid with some forums I lurk. I know for a fact they’ll love him there.”

              “He’s almost a little small for some of the forums I linked him to.”

              “We’ll soon fix that.”

              Angus cursed under his breath and hurriedly typed in his username and password. Even as he did this, he could feel his phone buzzing and his cock growing even larger. Angus couldn’t believe how huge he had gotten nor that he was still getting bigger. He thought for sure his watchers were done with him, but even as he typed in his log-in credentials he could see the chat still going.

              “Fuuuuuck he’s huge!”

              “Hell yeah! So hot!”

              “Bigger! Bigger!”

              Angus finished typing in his password and groaned at what he saw. Invalid password. It must have been because his hands were shaking that he botched the password, but whatever the case may be he had to try again and stop this mess. He typed his name and password in again, this time being extra careful not to make a typo and hit enter.

              Angus flopped back in his bed and waited with bated breath while the loading circle spun in the middle of his screen. His cock was now so huge that he had to angle it towards the wall at the head of his bed. His cock was already as wide as his twin sized dorm bed and quite a bit longer. His dick was so long that it angled from the foot of his bed all the way to the ceiling against the wall behind him. “come on, come on…” he groaned under his breath as he watched the circle continuing to spin. He was running out of room for his enormous cock. If he got much bigger, he wouldn’t even fit in his own dorm room! All he needed was for the stream to load in once more and he could finally dial things back, but it was not to be. A new error message soon popped up.

              “That user is currently logged in in another device.”

              Angus one again cursed under his breath. There was no helping it. If he wanted to stop this he’d have to get up and head towards the PC sitting on his desk, but that was easier said than done. For starters, his desk sat on the opposite side of a solid wall of cock and balls that kept him pinned to his bed! Angus slowly shimmied his way sideways off his bed. With each inch he moved he was amazed at just how incredibly heavy his cock and balls had become. His nuts alone weighed him to the ground like a ship’s anchor, and he couldn’t even imagine how heavy his dick would be if it wasn’t currently propped against the wall at the head of his bed. It took some finesse, but once Angus was off his bed, he was slowly able to crawl shift around his massive cock until he was now over top of it and crawl his way backwards over his massive nuts.

              Angus stared in awe as he stood there with his back to his desk. His cock was now so huge that it filled almost his entire room. He was nearly pinned to his desk beneath the behemoth that was his cock and balls which presented yet another problem. He couldn’t get the drawer which housed his keyboard and mouse out from underneath his desk! He was pinned so tightly against his own desk by his gargantuan cock and balls that his own thighs were pinning the drawer shut!

              Angus glanced over his shoulder at his desktop screen and gasped at what he saw. The audience was still cheering for him to get even bigger! Wasn’t he big enough already!? Sure, he couldn’t deny how staggeringly hot his massive cock and balls were, but how was he going to get through life attached to a schlong the size of a subway car?

              Even as Angus pondered this another message caught his eye.

              “Don’t worry, guys. I just sent him a BIG one.”

              Angus could feel his phone buzzing in his hand. He had kept a death grip on his phone this entire time even without really realizing he had done it. He was almost afraid to look, but he unlocked the screen anyway. Sure enough, he had a new email from PayPal, but unlike the others this wasn’t a duplicate. This was a donation with a brand-new value on it. Angus was afraid to click the email and see what the amount was. Part of him wished that it was just another $3 donation… after all, he could see the $3 at the tail end of the email preview, but the … after the 3 worried him greatly.

              Angus nervously clicked the email icon. It didn’t do him any good to hide from it. After all, he was going to be growing one way or the other. It was like ripping off a band-aid. Best to just get it over with.

              Angus’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head when he saw the final value. Three… HUNDRED!? Who has that kind of money to throw at something like this!? But there was no denying what he was reading. Someone had thrown enough money at him to nearly double his already colossal cock. With the added eight plus feet of fat cock he was soon going to be at nearly twenty full feet of schlong!

              “Oh, fuck…” Angus murmured under his breath. The sound of his own words sent shivers down his spine. It wasn’t a cry of shock or anguish. It was a moan of almost orgasmic delight! Even as he shuddered, he could feel his nuts tense up as if bracing for the largest load of his – or anyone else’s – life!

              With his cock rapidly expanding once more, Angus soon found himself more than mashed against his desk. He was being pushed up and onto it by his own swelling cock and balls. Soon his ass knocked his monitor off the desktop. Seconds after that he was pinning against the far wall with his cock pressed against the wall on the opposite side of the room, and he still had several feet left to grow!

              Angus wasn’t sure what he was going to do now. There was nothing he could do. All he could do was stand there and gawk as his cock outgrew his dorm room. Even now he could feel the wall begin to buckle under the onslaught of his swelling schlong. He could hear the plaster crumbling. He could see the lines spreading across the far wall as it cracked and crumpled. And then, as if a dam breaking, sunlight poured into his room as his cock spilled out into the open courtyard between dorm rooms.

              Angus’s cock was free to extend to its heart’s content, but he soon found himself with another problem. His nuts had grown so much that he was now resting atop them. They were so massive that they almost pinned him to his own ceiling! His massive nuts filled up every inch of space in his room from floor to ceiling and from wall to wall! His entire dorm room was flooded with his own nut sack!

              Angus groaned as he felt himself be pinned between his ceiling and his own swelling balls. For a moment he was sure that he was going to be crushed to death by his own package. He was just about to close his eyes and accept the end when he felt something quite peculiar. He wasn’t sure how and he wasn’t sure why, but he was sliding forward. The rough texture of the ceiling scratched against his back, but soon he felt the fresh air on his bare skin. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the sunlight, but when they did, he took stock of his surroundings and started to figure out what had happened. His cock had grown so huge and so hefty that the sheer weight of it was enough to pull his nuts right out of his room like the cork being popped off a wine bottle. He had fallen from his room on the second floor and landed with a thud on the grass below, but his cock and balls were just so damn huge that the single-story drop had felt like nothing more than an inch.

              Angus was pleased as punch to no longer be in any mortal danger, but now he had a new problem to deal with. The arrival of a twenty plus foot schlong in the middle of campus had attracted a lot of onlookers, and there was nothing he could do to try and hide from their scrutinizing eyes. Fortunately, his phone had stopped buzzing, and so it seemed that he had finally reached his new, maximum size.

              In part because he had nothing better to do while trapped atop his own package and in part because he wanted something to distract himself from the crowd that had gathered around him, Angus unlocked his phone once more and peeked in at the stream chat. It didn’t take long for him to notice that things had quieted down, and it was immediately clear why. The stream had been cut short. No doubt his PC had been knocked offline due to his growth spurt which had crushed his desk. Angus breathed a sigh of relief. At least this meant things would calm down now… or so he thought. No sooner had he breathed a sigh of relief than he saw a new comment in the chat.

              “Dudes… you’re not gonna believe this, but I think this was real…”

              “What? How?”

              “Check the news!”

              “This is on the new at my college! It’s real!”

              Angus saw the previous poster link to a local news network that he recognized. He almost didn’t dare to click the link, but he knew he wouldn’t be satisfied until he saw the truth. Sure enough, as soon as the live feed loaded, he was greeted by the sight of his own gargantuan package splayed out across the lawn. While he gawked at the surreal view of his own cock from a third person perspective, he was soon alerted to something else. The viewer count was rising rapidly! It didn’t take long for him to figure out what was going on either.

              “Looks like the growth stream is still on!” Said one of the new arrivals.

              “Now that I know this is real, I can really crack open the wallet!”

              “God, I wish that was me…”

              “Fuck yes. Can you imagine being that fuckin huge!?”

              “Huge! Huge! Huge!”

              “Let’s make him even bigger boys!”

              Angus didn’t know what to say or do. They couldn’t still grow him, could they? The PC was offline. The app was closed down! But even as he thought this, he could feel his phone buzzing and his cock pulsing.

              “Oh fuck…” Angus moaned, but once again the tone of his voice betrayed his true feelings. Instead of being a groan of disgust his voice came out as a low, horny moan of carnal glee. His colossal cock gave a lurch of glee. Pre oozed from his person-sized slit. He couldn’t believe he was so turned on by this. He couldn’t move with a cock this big. There was no way he could walk around. His cock was bigger than a city bus and his balls were the size of bungalows. He had a cock that would make a blue whale weep with shame, and it was still growing! Angus was so hot and bothered by his swelling member that he could barely even focus on his phone, but he could see the alerts piling up. His missed emails now numbered in the dozens, and it wasn’t all just duplicates either! With each new email alert he received, the dollars being donated varied widely. Some people were chipping in the old fashioned three-dollar inch, but some people were really cracking open the ol’ check book. Some of the donations were in the triple digits! Some generous donors were adding entire feet to Angus’s already ginormous schlong!

              “fuck, fuck, fuck…” Angus whined as he continued to try to dry hump the grass beneath him, but at this point his cock was so huge that his whole body could barely even budge it. Even if he rocked with all his might, his dick would barely even shift under his weight.

             As he continued to grow the crowd around him grew and grew as well. Somehow all these viewers just made Angus even hornier. It was one thing to pose for a faceless crowd on a webcam, but it was another to have a huge crowd gathered around his dick as if it was some impromptu music festival in the middle of campus. With all the people turning out to ogle his growing member, it was shaping up to be a regular Woodscock on the dorm lawn. Soon it wasn’t just the local campus new team reporting on his swelling schlong. Soon he had the major new outlets from all over reporting on what some people were calling the story of the century. Some guy with a cock the size of ship was lying buck naked in the public park.

             Some part of Agnus’s mind was still fighting against his own arousal. Some part of him still wanted to keep a level head despite his growing desire to paint the town white in one massive tidal wave of cum, but that part was quickly losing out to his growing libido. About the only thing keeping him even vaguely rooted in sanity was the phone which he clasped in his hand. He kept glancing at the newsfeed to try and take his mind out of the moment. Somehow seeing his cock in third person like this seemed to distance him from the truth at hand, but soon even this proved to just fuel the fire. As the chat continued to explode with chants of “Huge! Huge! Huge!” and “Grow him some more!” more and more links began to flood the chat. Some were to other news outlets filming Angus’s colossal cock from other angles, but others were from personal feeds from people who had gathered to explore Angus’s cock.

             “Oh my god! They're actually going to do it!” said one of the posters as they linked someone’s livestream.

              “the absolute madlads!” came a reply.

              “I wanted to be the first to go in!” came another reply.

              Do it? Go in? What were they talking about? Angus wondered. His curiosity got the better of him and actually managed to stave off his hormonal need to cream, but only for a moment. The view he was greeted to upon opening up the new livestream was enough to send his libido into hyperdrive all over again.

              When the stream fired up, Angus was greeted to the sight of another student he was vaguely familiar with waving at the camera. The guy was clad in a damp, white t-shirt and a hardhat with a huge headlight attached to it. He looked ready to go spelunking but judging by the lighting the guy appeared to be out in the daylight instead of heading into a cave, but that soon changed. The guy lifted his phone further up to give a wider view of his surroundings. Behind the guy stood a large ladder which was propped against a large, fleshy looking wall. It didn’t take Angus long to figure out what said wall was, though. It was his own cockhead! The guy was actually about to climb into Angus’s dick and record the whole thing for all the watch.

              Angus let out another horny whine. The flow of pre from the tip of his cock really began to ramp up, and after a few second delay he could see the flow of pre on the livestream begin to increase as well.

              “I think he feels me.” The spelunker said in a corny accent as if announcing his actions in a comical parody of the Crocodile Hunter. The truth was, Angus COULD feel him, but only just barely. The guy crawling into his exposed cock head felt like little more than a tickle. The dude may as well have been a gnat compared to Angus’s whale-sized schlong. At this point Angus’s cock was so huge that his back and balls were pressed against the dorm building he had fallen out of and the tip of his dick nearly reached the campus admin complex across the large, open park. The park was nearly the size of a football field, and Angus’s dick damn near filled the whole thing! Just thinking about how huge he had become made Angus once again struggle to stifle a moan.

              “Oi. This bronco’s really buckin’ now,” Said the spelunker a moment later.  

              Just the thought of having someone crawling around inside of his cock was driving Angus wild. He desperately wanted to cum, and yet at the same time he fought the urge with every fiber of his being. He couldn’t even say why he was doing it. It was almost as if some part of him was afraid this was all a dream and the moment he blew he would wake up and find himself back in his dorm with his old five-inch rod.

              Angus watched the video stream and tried to make sense of what he was seeing through his hormone-fogged senses. At first glance it looked much like any other chasm some guy might go spelunking through, but the sides were soft to the touch and glistened pink. It was hard for Angus to comprehend that these chasm walls he was watching in the video were the insides of his own cock. As angus watched the video it almost seemed like the guy’s point of view was shrinking. The walls grew further apart and reached higher and higher, but it wasn’t the guy who was shrinking. It was Angus’s cock that was growing! Even now, Angus could feel the constant buzzing of his phone and feel the constant pulsing in his cock. He couldn’t even fathom how huge he had become. His cock was so huge that he nuts pressed hard against the side of the dorms. He was so high off the ground that his nuts now crested far above the torn-out hole that was his second-floor dorm room. His balls filled much of the courtyard that spanned from the dorm hall to the campus administration office. His cock was now so huge that had it not been for the curvature of his rock-hard cock, his cock would have long since crushed the multi-story admin complex. His cock now stretched so far that the head of it loomed over the science building halfway across campus. The puffy head alone of his massive cock now dwarfed the main lecture hall AND the connected labs. The pre leaking from his cock splashed down on the street below in giant, SUV-sized gobs.

              Angus’s life as he knew it was effectively over. He had a city block sized cock, and still it was creeping up in size. He was so massive that even that large donations that had been pouring in barely made a dent in his colossal size, and yet, even if this was a dream he never wanted to wake up. He wanted to remain like this forever. He couldn’t get over how amazing having a cock you could land a 747 on felt. He couldn’t get over how amazingly hot it was to have such a massive cock and balls that no matter which direction he looked, all he saw was more and more cock and balls stretching off into the horizon. Even as his nuts got so massive that they crested at over roof of his dorm he wanted to get bigger and bigger. Even as he watched the video of the dude spelunking inside his cock and watched the light of the guy’s headlamp fade to nothing as it shone down the impossible depths of his colossal cock, Angus reveled in his own hugeness. If his fans never ran out of cash to throw at his constantly growing cock, he would be OK with that, but already he could feel the constant buzzing of his phone slowing down. His donors had nearly reached their limit, and Angus too was reaching his limit in a very different sense.

              Angus moaned and writhed. His monolithic schlong shuddered. His mountainous balls tensed up. He was going to blow soon, and everyone could tell. In the throes of ecstasy, Angus’s phone fell from his hand and landed with a plap on the soft flesh of his colossal nuts. Somehow the impact knocked web browser back a page. It was no longer focused on the spelunker’s livestream and was back to the newscast. The newscaster was eyeing the teleprompter intently and let out a gasp.

              “This just in. Apparently, this situation is the result of what has been called a “growth stream.” If my understanding is correct. People have been paying money to see this guy grow. Is that a thing?” The newscaster asked. Then something happened that made even Angus, in his addled state that he was, gasp with shock. The URL for his stream was displayed underneath the reporter. His cock was now an international news story. His humongous cock was being displayed to people all over the globe, and now those people knew of his stream!?

              As if to answer his unspoken question, his phone began to buzz even more intensely than before. He had just gone international. Now even people who don’t lurk the specific parts of the internet that had wanted to see him grow knew of his story and how to make him even larger. Whether it was out of genuine horny desire to see him grow, some kind of morbid fascination, or just the good old internet troll wanting to cash in on an already absurd situation, the donations were rolling in faster than ever before.

              The video feed on the newscast changed. It was now no longer focused on the reporter who stood in the shadow of his colossal cock. The view was now zoomed out from up high. No doubt this new video was taken from some news helicopter circling far, far above. The helicopter was so far above that Angus could neither see nor hear it, but he couldn’t deny what he saw. He recognized the area shown in the feed. It was his campus! … or what was left of it. His cock and balls now eclipsed the entire region. A solid square mile of academia had been completely eclipsed by cock. His cock was so massive that he couldn’t even see himself atop it. He may as well have been an ant atop an ambulance, the size difference was so severe, and he could still see his cock growing and growing on the news feed. At the rate he was going he would no longer just eclipse the campus. He could cover the entire town surrounding it!

              Angus almost chuckled at the thought, but he didn’t get the chance. The imagery was too much for him to take in. He gritted his teeth and let out a loud, low moan. His cock shuddered with enough force to shake the ground surrounding it. Car alarms went off for miles around, and then the dam broke. Gigantic spurts of cum, each jet with enough jizz to fill a reservoir, arced through the air, and everything went white for Angus.

              It wasn’t just the streams of cum that caused his vision to fade though. Truth be told, Angus was relatively unscathed from his perch atop his mountain-sized stones, but the sheer intensity of the pleasure that coursed through his miles of cock caused his mind to short circuit. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t see. All he could do was moan and writhe in ecstasy as he came and came again. There was no telling how long he was cumming for. It could have been seconds. It could have been hour. Time had no meaning to Angus while he was in the throes of ecstasy. All he knew was that by the time he finally started to come down from the high, it felt like it was all over far too soon.

              As the fog slowly started to lift from his mind, Angus looked out over his surroundings. All he could see was flesh spread out as far as the eye could see. His cock and balls filled the entire landscape. It was impossible for him to grasp the sheer size and scale of his package from his current position. Fortunately, he had a way to get a different perspective on the situation.

              Angus strained with all his might to reach his phone which had slid away from him during his climax. He was only just barely able to get his fingertips onto the edge of the phone, but it was enough to awkwardly fish the phone back into range. Once he had his phone back in his hands, he opened up the newscast from earlier. He watched in bemused fascination as the newscaster stood in front of his cock and balls and described the scene for the audiences at home, but what Angus really wanted wasn’t words. What he really wanted was video. Fortunately, it only took a moment for the feed to shift back to the bird’s eye view of the city. Angus marveled at how massive his cock had become. His cock and balls had completely eclipsed the entire campus and had spilled out into the surrounding city. His junk covered several city blocks. His dick had to measure in miles at this point. It may have just been the afterglow still in effect, but Angus couldn’t really consider what this meant for the long run. All he could think about for the moment was how amazing his colossal cock looked and felt, but there was someone out there thinking about the future…

              Meanwhile in the suburbs, Donald gave a whistle of approval as he watched the aftermath of his new app. The size his buddy Angus had reached exceeded even Donald’s extreme expectations.

             Donald tabbed over from the local news website over to the master copy of the growth app. He waited for a moment for the most recent donations to be processed before finally pulling the plug on this little experiment. Now that he knew what kind of market there was for a growth drive of this sort, Donald figured it was time to make some adjustments to the programming before his next test run.

                                                                                                                         Looking for more stories?

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[justlightthefirstspark]

Utd vs Reading 02/02/2020

Or, as @danieljamesmufc so eloquently put it, ‘The Battle of The Baes’ (Baes in question obviously being Amy Turner and Angharad James)

Anywho, there isn’t much of a ~detailed~ analysis like other pieces have had. A lot of the plays (and therefore, issues) are the same every game, and I don’t wanna keep repeating myself by making the same points week in and week out. Also, this game was kinda scrappy and not much really happened - until the end but we will get there in due time. I have a LOT of thoughts about the end of this game.

Few small changes in the XI - due to McManus picking up an injury vs Chelsea, Amy came back in at CB which was just

And then I saw Harris at RB 😐 I think I’ve made my feelings about that very clear, and I don’t wanna start hating on Martha for the sake of it, but Smith is the better of the two imo. And I just can’t see why Casey keeps insisting on playing TWO natural RB’s when she has a natural LB sitting on the bench ALL THE TIME, collecting splinters in her arsecheeks. It’s annoying, and I’m kinda sick of it.

Lizzie Arnot dropped out of the XI, in favour of Jane Ross for this one, and everything else was pretty much the same as Wednesday night.

Also, and I would really appreciate some help/info/whatever you’ve all got for this, but I was under the impression that Amy couldn’t (or at least, wasn’t really supposed to) play 3 games in one week? I’m like 90% sure that Casey benched her a few times in the second half of last season for this exact reason? Apparently that’s down to the knee injury she had a few years ago, but I would appreciate some clarification on this if anyone has anything 🧐

Also (I’m being annoying now, sorry) but this commentator was... bad. Mispronuncing players names (who is Jackie Groinen?), not even bothering to try and pronounce others (here’s looking at you, Angharad James), misidentifying players, just not really knowing what was happening a solid 83% of the time... idk who she is but she needs to not commentate on a United game again, I can’t listen to her. Girl had some, interesting, opinions too, and I’m quoting her directly now, “United will think that they’re due a defeat” 🧐 I’m not entirely sure how, or why, that would be the case, but apparently both United and Reading have alternating W/L runs in the league and today was Reading’s turn to win? I was confused. I still kinda am. And I didn’t like it.

First half:

The first 10 mins of this were pretty boring tbh. There was an awful lot of back and forth, misplaced passes, interceptions and the like. I think United were just on top in the opening few minutes, judging by the amount of time they spent in Reading’s half, and their possession.

‘8 - Corner and a free kick for United in quick succession. Nothing came from either (surprise surprise), but there was a lovely bit of ball control in the box from Ross after the FK. Just couldn’t get it to Sigsworth (who probably would have scored but we don’t need to talk about it)

‘13 - Another potential Ross/Sigsworth link up in the box but Ross just swept it straight into the legs of a Reading player, instead of passing to Jess on her left 🤷🏽‍♀️ I thought she was okay today, so I won’t give her too much grief for that mistake

‘16 - decent chance for Sigsworth, ended up launching it straight at *insert Reading player here.* Foreal, I have no idea who it was. Sorry. Groenen and Zelem both had decent opportunities following this, but nothing came of either of those

‘17 - Another corner for Utd, wasn’t a great delivery to be honest. Was played out and worked back in, LJ managed to get a shot off but sent it behind with a deflection so yet more corners followed. With nothing coming from any of them - this is starting to be a problem. We never challenge from set pieces, and I’m genuinely starting to wonder why that is? Does someone else need to take them? Or what?

There was *a lot* of midfield action around this time, more back and forth, a few fouls, and free kicks. None of this was noteworthy, hence the lack of notes.

‘21 - Amy stop backpassing challenge. I gave Abbie SO much shit for this vs City and Chelsea (as well as vs Spurs, oops), so I guess it’s Amy’s turn now. Sidenote: I think ‘Turner & Turner’ is my fave chant, the original at least. No disrespect to Abbie but seeing Turner x2 at CB on the teamsheet has me like

‘28 - Earps’ clearnances need work. Like, a lot of work. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I’m never fully convinced by the ball that leaves her feet, and I don’t think she is either which is an issue 😬

‘29 - GOAL - United. I was literally just making a note on how boring I was finding this game - my highlight by the 28 minute mark was Amy lashing her boot into Tash Harding’s face. Lol. - when Lauren James appears literally out of nowhere and lashes one home. A gorgeous strike, cutting in from the left. This kid is lethal.

‘38 - Today I learned that we really only have one fast defender - Millie. Martha somehow outpaced Amy back with Reading on the break and I think my jaw hit the floor.

‘41 - United have the ball in the back of the net again. Amy got under a well struck free from Zelem and fired it home, but somehow was ruled offside. Clearly this ref and I have very, very different opinions about what the offisde rule actually constitutes, cause she was very much clearly onside.

Idk if you can see properly in those pics, but no one is offside in any of them. You can see in this video too, that Amy is in fact, NOT offside. I’m not having that one, it should have stood. https://twitter.com/48hours8/status/1223984745413038081?s=21

I just. I’m highkey so annoyed. And I’m definitely dragging this out but like

Moving on. That concluded a pretty uneventful half, aside from the goal and the offside that wasn’t actually offside.

Halftime:

Reading made a pretty interesting change at the half, subbing Haz off for LMKU. Maybe LMKU offers more of a threat going forward, but I thought Haz was pretty solid in the first half? She was certainly a lot better today than she was in the reverse fixture - she was shredded by Galton on every single run but I didn’t see her do anything like that this time? Anyway. (Also I’m lowkey sad Amy never got to slide tackle her into the middle of next week)

Second half:

‘47 - Quality build up work down the left and a gorgeous ball into the box from LJ, I fortune my it just brushed past Sigsworth and Ross in the 6 yard box/penalty area. So close to a second for United.

‘51 - a pretty poor free kick from Zelem, and a pretty poor decision and back pass from James. Sometimes I wonder if people on this team think about what they’re doing before they do it 🤗

‘53 - decent chance for Reading, which ultimately comes off the back post. United very lucky to get away with that one.

‘59 - Harris was very far forward there for a time. Like in the opposition box forward. Hello, anxiety. Also Amy nearly body checked someone around the same time and I was truly living my best life.

‘61 - Zel with a decent free kick, just couldn’t get the dip it needed to hit the back of the net

‘62 - another good strike from LJ, unfortunately just straight at the keeper.

‘63 - Penalty - Reading. Yellow for Amy for pushing Utland (I didn’t catch who it actually was, but according to Reading’s twitter it was LMKU) and conceding the pen.

‘64 - MARY EARPS SAFE HANDS LET’S GOOOO 🗣👏🏽🔥 What a save, my god. I was sure that was going in, but I’ve never been happier to be proven wrong in my life.

‘75 - another great chance for LJ - a lovely strike, think it could have done with a little bit of a chip, and then surely it was going in. Good work from Jess and Jackie in the build up too

‘76 - ‘82. This is where shit got crazy. And I really have no words for what I saw during this 6 minutes. Well, I do have words - I have a lot of them - but most of them aren’t suitable for this platform so I’ll just keep those ones to myself. Never in all my life have I seen such incompetent refereeing. A free kick awarded to Reading on the edge of the box, due to a ‘handball’ (that didn’t happen) by Lauren James, is cleared and HEADED away by Katie Zelem. The ref then proceeds to book Zelem for handball which, unless she suddenly has a third arm growing out of her FACE (I can confirm - she does not), makes absolutely zero sense, and awards Reading another penalty.

Jess also managed to get herself booked for questioning the ref’s decision and defending Katie sjsjsj, and not a single Reading player made a claim for that penalty. Surely, if she had handled the ball, every Reading player in the box would have appealed for it? You can clearly see the ball hit her head in the video linked below, but apparently the arm bone is now connected to the face bone, at least according to this ref anyway. 🙄

https://twitter.com/48hours8/status/1223996019022626821?s=21

I have no more thoughts on whatever happened after that because I had to turn it off before they scored that penalty, otherwise I would have drop kicked my laptop out my window. For what it’s worth, I did think Martha had a decent game today. I still want Smith at RB and Lotta at LB while Amy’s at CB though. You can’t make me change my mind 🤗

This is the third time this week alone that United have been robbed by poor referees, and apparently the ref of the City/Arsenal game today wasn’t much better. I didn’t see that game so I can’t really comment, but I don’t doubt those claims. The standard and quality of refereeing I’ve seen over the past 2 seasons since my introduction to women’s football has been appalling. And it’s not fair, I think this tweet pretty much sums it up.

The FA has pretty much demanded that every team/club in the WSL be full time, it’s about time that they demand the same qualifications and high quality from their officials, because this just isn’t good enough. And not just from the standpoint of a United fan, and in the context of today’s result, but league wide. It’s just not good enough. I’m completley here for literally everybody calling this shambles out for what it is, and the United girls being salty af on the tl.

Sorry that is this kinda long and ranty, but I’m in my feelings about this ref. ✌🏽

[mariogoetze]

/update

Hey everyone,

I’ve been absent for some time now. There were a few reasons why I took a break, I wanted one, I needed one. The last few weeks hasn’t been really enjoyable for me tbh. I‌ try to avoid weird stuff which sometimes happens on tumblr but my Club is making it not easier.

BVB has been doing very poor lately as you may have noticed and I haven’t been in any mood to post anything related to them and that has several reasons. When‌ I‌ was a kid and grew up, BVB stood for so many things. They always fought, their will to try and win any game against any important was so inspiring, not only as a football fan, but as an human being itself. We were beasts when it came to pressing and tackles we would give out all and you could see basically the spirit of each player glowing and screaming at the same, you just felt it, that the Team gave their all, nowadays I‌ don’t see nor feel it. Also the way they played football was so attractive, like they just played forward. Nowadays they hold the ball for way too long, it’s a play style which doesn’t suit them at all. Even under Thomas Tuchel who started this whole ‘ball possession’ project we were only dangerous when we added speed into our game, it’s just Dortmunds DNA to play fast forward with lots of pace and combinations, but the more months are passing and the years following we are not really being THAT Dortmund at all anymore and it’s sad to witness it’s really annoying. We are passing the ball way too much, we are less dangerous and we are shooting less which just makes me yawn and sigh at the same time bc it’s unattractive and boring.

Sometimes I watch older videos of how we used to play and it’s making me sad to realize how far away we are to get back to that level. I‌ mean we have the quality but with our latest coaches and especially our current one (Favre) we are not going that road to play that football again. We have quality players and we could be doing so much better I see other clubs playing offensive with certain tactics and line-ups while we just play the same 4-2-3-1 all over, it’s supposed to bring us stability compared to other teams using 4-3-3 for example, but it’s funny how we still concede more goals than other teams do.

Simply bc we are lacking of too many things. Our team looks so fragile like as soon as something doesn’t seem to work out during the game they start to literally sweat and it’s like if we are a tower which tempts to fall apart. I just don’t understand it tbh like how??‌ why??‌ Too many questions and yet 0 answers. I think the players are tired of Favre it’s the same with Kovac and Bayern. Look how successful they are. They won their last 4 games with 16-0 Goals scored and 0 conceded. If that isn’t the proof how tired the Bayern players were of Kovac and basically doing sabotage to get him sacked (playing bad) then idk what else it is.

For me the Team is tired of Favre and it’s understandable. I mean I was probably one of the first People who started the whole #FavreOUT thing and seeing how it developed is no surprise for me. He’s a solid Coach but that’s about it. He does way too many mistakes and lacks of too many things as well it’s no wonder why he hasn’t one really any major trophy (no offense).

I hope that Dortmund will sack him soon and get a new coach. I think our Players would be exactly be like the ones of Bayern, they would be motivated again and they wouldn’t be mind blocked by Favre’s 91882831 tactics. In football it’s important to feel free and not strangled or tied up. For me the players are only getting worse under Favre, while last year a lot of players had improved, I rather saw it as a one-hit-wonder season bc Favre had the momentum of surprise in back when he arrived and the league wasn’t prepared for him, 6 months later tho the league was, hell not even 6, I think earlier and then we started to drop more and more points.

So back to tumblr, For me as a blogger it’s important to enjoy what I do. Dortmund has been a shadow of they used to be, obviously it ruins my mood, which results to blogging being less fun. Then there is Favre who is even worse and makes me roll my eyes. There also some people on Tumblr who are let’s say strange and make my eyebrows move. I try to avoid it like I said above but sometimes it makes me think about why would someone say or think that, but then again everyone can have their own opinion and I respect that.

Overall tumblr is changing for me, a lot of the people I knew left. When I‌ joined this site I felt like a feather and in general felt easy. I could post what I wanted basically, about OTP’s about football and people would be the same. It was like you could be careless basically. Nowadays you get judged for anything, people who bash someone, there will be hate spread. I think it’s good that you need to take care of yourself more now, bc in life you should do that as well, but hey on tumblr?‌ Things have changed, became more difficult. I think on tumblr you could be criticized for anything and that it gives the vibe of living with a fear that not someone will attack you or in general interact with your posts which leads to hate or other stuff is alarming. I sometimes witness stumbling through tumblr those situations when I check out certain blogs or tags that some people shoot at one another and it’s just unnecessarily, but then again, on tumblr everything seems to be normal to do that.

Sometimes people like my older posts and I look at these posts and realize:‌‌ I’m not that blogger anymore. Nor will I‌ ever be that blogger anymore. Time changed, People changed. We move on, We evolve.

Over the years people left, the vibe around tumbr changed and people did as well. Don’t get me wrong I met incredible nice people over the years and I enjoy seeing them on my dash and interacting with them. But overall there is a weird vibe going around tumblr. Too much toxicity, too much hate. I will never understand why people won’t mind their own business. There’s so much drama. I’ve been off tumblr and life has been good. Sometimes I‌ would see stuff on here and it made me question certain things.

I start to ask if this site is still made for me. Seeing that more and more weird things are happening on this site makes me wonder if more people will become like this or that, if more people in general will join this site and will be like that or this. Not gonna give examples, everyone needs to have their own opinion on this site. I don’t know the answer to that tbh but I will once eventually but yeah it’s hard. I’m a person who doesn’t let someone else ruin my fun, but then again which fun? Like in life we sometimes deal with problem and we can solve them but on tumblr?‌ That’s not the case. That’s why on tumblr is hard to keep going. I never understood back then why all the people I used to look up to left, but after a certain moment I‌ understood why.

Coming back to tumblr, I joined this site back then bc of two major reasons and that’s bc I wanted to support my club and my favorite player. My Club like previous mentioned is nothing but a shadow of what they used to be. It’s not for me about winning constantly, don’t think of me like that, it’s like I mentioned, the will to pull of a good fight the desire to win this game at any cost and play their best football, that’s not there. My favorite player?‌ I wonder he can still smile after being benched all over again. He’s such a inspiring person I’m not even kidding, he got benched 6 games in a row and then when he finally started he scored a header (he’s 176 cm)‌ and became Man of the Match during that game. Could you ask for more?‌‌‌ Probably not.

Favre. That’s not only the whole’s Team problem but also Mario’s. Favre is probably the most ungrateful person‌‌ I know. When Marco and Paco where injured last season MARIO was there. He played, he showed off and delivered. When we lost to Bayern 5-0 and he didn’t start Mario he shamelessly admitted in the presse conference afterwards that it was a mistake to not let Mario play. Mario has done so much, fought his way back, but Favre?‌ Favre never trusted Mario. He could have played the game of his life and that would’t have changed anything. Favre just doesn’t trusts Mario and it hurts. Like I could understand if he would does shitty but that’s not the case. Favre gives no no wait, he handles out more opportunities to any other player in the squad when they bottle something up but Mario?‌ He doesn’t do anything wrong and yet he gets always outlined. Favre will always be for me a piece of shit. The fact that he’s so ungrateful makes me explode. Mario Götze did more in 5 minutes in Barcelona than some other players who played nearly or the whole game, enough said.

So yes, Dortmund has been nothing but annoying lately, Favre has gotten me even worse, My favorite player gets treated like a poor dog and Tumblr itself is getting weird, the vibe changes often sometimes it’s fun sometimes it’s not.

Excuse me for my disappearing and my rant. Sometimes certain things are needed to be done.

[fossadeileonixv]

Milan 4 Dinamo Zagreb 0

Big game. Big win

Milan are firmly in second place in Group E in Champions League and will only need a draw vs Salzburg at the San Siro next week to stamp their ticket to the knockouts...the first time since playing Atletico Madrid during the 2013-14 season. But before that, Torino this weekend, and even before that, Milan x Dinamo Zagreb ratings...let's get started...

TATARUSANU 7 Was busy early with a lot of buildup by Dinamo and a few decent shots on goal but did his job and a clean sheet to boot 

KALULU 7 Solid game and you could tell Pioli asked him to hang back. Whenever Milan got forward and Dinamo won the ball back and tried to go over the top it was usually Kalulu back there. And man, that cross from 30yds away in the first half to Giroud during the run of play...*chef's kiss*. Love this kid

KJÆR 7 Solid game and had a few decent long passes, which is one of his strengths particular with Tata in goal because, well, that is NOT one of his strengths...

GABBIA 8 Co-MOTM Solid all game and a perfectly timed run and perfectly timed dive and perfect header on a perfect ball from Tonali. Best dead ball play of the year for Milan

HERNÁNDEZ 7 Solid all around. That's it. That's all I got

TONALI 8 Co-MOTM Did everything well this game. Positioning, tackling, passing. And oh man. That cross on the dead ball that found Gabbia. Man. What a beaut. I shared this in the chat yesterday but as Ray Hudson said, "that was a shot glass dropped in a glass of beer at the other end of the bar". Yep. Pretty much

BENNACER 7 Solid. Just like Theo. Yeah

REBIĆ 7 Not perfect by any means, and probably...no, did cut in too much. But, BUT! You can see what quality wingers do to the attack when both are threats. CDK really should have taken advantage of this since the defense all of the sudden kept having to shift their gaze to each flank. Love the runs he made into the box but needs to balance that more with keeping the width and banging in crosses, particularly when the defense is packed in. It's one of his jobs out on the wing to keep the width and jeopardize the defense's lines

DE KETELAERE

GIROUD 7.5 One of his better games of the last month and has been money in the bank on PKs (I probably shouldn't jinx him, huh?...sh*t, I did already...I know I jinxed him. God damn it...). Oh, a few of you mentioned this in the chat yesterday: NO MORE FLICKS. Just receive, settle, and distribute Giroud. Come'on, man. Gotta keep that possesion

subs

KRUNIĆ 6.5 My favorite kind of Krunić. The kind we only see when Milan is up 2-0 and just need him to make tackles and break up the opponent's play

BALLO-TOURE 6 Was fine. Didn't do anything great but didn't bone the sofa cushion either. Yeah, I don't know what that means

POBEGA 6.5 Decent if unspectacular outing and almost had a goal

MESSIAS 6 More of a cameo. A winger coming in when you're up 4-0 doesn't leave much for them to do other than to track back and defend

ORIGI NA Didn't get enough for me to grade him but I'm still not sold on him. Some of you, *cough* Frank *cough*, are aroused by Origi but I am still not seeing why...

coaching

PIOLI 9 You win 4-0 at a place where the opponent beat an-albeit-out-of-form Chelsea last month and hadn't lost in like 22 (maybe it was 24) straight home matches, I'd say you got it right.

Pioli also FINALLY started Rebić at RW and boy did it pay off. The attack was dangerous from both sides and while not exactly clinical, just the mere threat of Rebić made Dinamo have to respect Milan's right side. The subbing was great, both in the starting selection (and accompanying tactics for a slower CB pairing) and pulling guys out to rest. Bravo, Sig. Pioli

THOUGHTS

Ok, so the two big storylines coming out of this involves something good and something bad. Let's get the bad out of the way...

The Bad...

CDK. Charles. Dude. That was UGGGG-LY. On a day when Milan was firing in attack and ends up winning 4-0 and you have arguably your worst game of the season. Yikes. I think it's safe to say he has the yips.

For those of you who don't follow or play golf, the yips happen when a player misses a few VERY short putts, something that should be routine, in a relatively short amount of time, and now trembles when over the ball on short putts and every short putt is a mental safari ripe with risk, fear, and perspiration. There's a version of this in baseball too when a fielder can't make an accurate throw to first base on routine ground balls. He sails them over the head, throws it short by 10ft, or is off 5-10ft to the right or to the left. But basically, like in golf and the short putt, every routine ground ball is an adventure. So in a nutshell: the yips are overthinking the task at hand.

There were numerous times in the first half where CDK was caught between ideas, and so in the end he ended up making the wrong decision, no decision, or the right decision too late which ended up making it the wrong decision.

The concern if CDK really does have the yips is that it's really hard to overcome. This type of thing can ruin careers. It's going to take A LOT of practice to get back to instinctively playing the game AND with smart, knowledgeable decision-making. For all of our sakes, Milan and us fans, I hope he's up to it.

The Good...

Rebić at RW to start! Yay! Pioli finally did it! Yes, I know he was partially forced into it due to injury but who cares, it's here. And I'll tell you what, this might end up being the go to, maybe in general, but at least when Milan is short on bodies. No more of this Krunić at RW nonsense, or taking Brahim out of the middle, sticking him at RW while an all-thumbs player is put in the #10 position.

Ok, so what was different with Rebić out there? As mentioned above, he was cutting in a lot, with and without the ball. Sometimes these runs, particularly without the ball, were awesome and made the defenders have to leave their dug-in position. This created movement and space within the box for others to navigate and take advantage of during the run of play. Other times however, his run crowded the box and evaporated any width Milan had particularly with Kalulu staying back. This had the opposite effect and caused congestion and left the attack without lanes to move, pass, or shoot. This will improve with Calabria back (when he returns) and having the RB up more on overlapping runs and helping to bang in crosses, while Kalulu and Tomori can protect the counter and over the top attempts by the opponent.

I think the more Rebić plays out at RW the better he'll become and the more balanced, and therefore higher scoring, Milan will be. Get him firing, along with a hot Brahim, and Leão being Leão, I think Milan will find themselves scoring 3-4 goals a game on average when they're in all there. That's no guarantee, but I wouldn't bet against it.

Next Match

Alright, Milan is flying high and have a tricky match vs Torino this weekend before taking on Salzburg in a CL match where they need at least a draw. Pioli will need to keep his men on their toes and ready since the top of the league table is so packed.

What are you guys thinking? About the match yesterday, this weekend, Salzburg, CDK, Rebić, whatever!

Forza Milan

[euro2020blogjayb]

Euro 2020 Final blog

In the most agonising fashion possible, England lost the final of the European Championships on home soil, at Wembley. The three lions lost on penalties. It was an awful way to lose a final. It was absolutely gut wrenching and heartbreaking. England came so close to bringing football home but unfortunately it went to Rome. The Italians were triumphant in London. England took the lead very early on in the match. Luke Shaw scored the goal to put England 1-0 up after only 3 minutes. It was a dream start and the entire mood in the stadium was very positive. People started to believe. The spectators watching from home and in the pubs were also in high spirits when Shaw scored. It was an excellent finish from the left-back, which shows that not only does he provide assists for his teammates but he scores important goals in big games too. Kieran Trippier made the pass to Shaw, who hit the ball into the ground and put it past Donnarumma. Italy were shocked and it took them some time to get back into the game. As Jorginho , Verratti and Barella started to get more touches in the middle of the park, Italy gradually grew in confidence and tried to respond as they were under pressure however every attack from the Azzurri was cut out by England's defence. Frederico Chiesa looked very dangerous and his shot just narrowly missed the target but it was Italy's best chance in the first half. He did really well to hold off Declan Rice and this showed his strength and direct approach which has been a huge asset to Roberto Mancini's side. Declan Rice was really good, he kept hold of the ball and tried to drive forward. England could have been better with their ball retention but they did a good job to not concede a goal in the first half. In the second half, Italy dominated possession. They attacked a lot more. England were prioritising safety and had a conservative approach. England could and should have taken more risks. Should have attacked more and been more aggressive. Should have tried to trouble Bonucci and Chiellini more with the pace and direct approach of Raheem Sterling and Luke Shaw. Should have made attacking subs earlier on in the game like bringing on Grealish and Saka.  England were struggling to deal with this and were on the back foot for quite some time. Italy's efforts did not go in vain and their constant persistence paid off in the end. England were unable to clear the ball, Verratti's header hit the post, Pickford was unable to get to the ball and Leonardo Bonucci was the first to react , poking the ball into the goal to equalise for Italy and get them  back into the game. Lorenzo Insigne came close to scoring with a dangerous freekick. At full time the score was 1-1. The game went to extra time. During extra time, substitutions were made on both teams. Chiesa (Italy's biggest threat ) came off. Kalvin Phillips was not too far off with his shot. In the second half of extra time, Italy looked a little tired and England tried to capitalise on this. Raheem Sterling, who had a fantastic tournament, was full of energy and was making darting runs into the box. Italy defended well. England defended well also. Stones and Maguire were terrific all tournament. Jack Grealish came on and won fouls for England. Maybe if him and Saka came on earlier during the game England would have shown more attacking intent and maybe would have scored a winner. It can be argued that after Luke Shaw’s goal, England could have done more in terms of creating chances and being on the front foot. England could have been less conservative and could have taken more risks because that’s what you need to do sometimes in order to win football games. England did not really trouble Italy that much after Shaw’s goal and this allowed Mancini’s team to dominate more in the game, keep possession and attack as England invited pressure. England defended well though, the centre back partnership of Stones and Maguire was effective. It can be argued that the best team in the tournament won, which was Italy. They played attacking football, they pressed high up the pitch and even when they struggled, like against Spain, they found a way to win. Against a stubborn and well organised Austria side that kept their defensive shape and structure, Italy found a way through them and scored in extra time.  The match went to penalties. Rashford and Sancho were brought on right at the end of extra time specifically for the penalty shootout. Unfortunately, neither player scored. Kane scored his spot kick and Maguire scored his with loads of confidence. He scored the best penalty out of everyone. Jordan Pickford gave the England fans hope when he saved Andrea Belotti's penalty and denied Jorginho too, who scored the winning penalty against Spain. Bukayo Saka took the final penalty for England but the massive Gianluigi Donnarumma saved it to break the hearts of an entire nation. Italy won the Euros for the 2nd time in their history. The wait for glory continues for England. 

The racist abuse that Saka, Sancho and Rashford faced on social media after the game was totally disgusting and unacceptable. This only shows that the fight against racism must continue and everyone needs to do more to tackle it until it no longer exists. These three players need to be protected by their clubs and fans and I hope all three young men go on to have terrific careers and don’t let this experience hinder them in any way. I hope all three players can grow from it and use it as motivation to become better footballers, to shut the haters and doubters up. It was a very questionable decision by Gareth Southgate to let Saka take the fifth penalty. It was a huge ask and put the 19 year old under immense pressure. Having the weight of the nation on your shoulders is a burden that no youngster should have to bear. More experienced players like Jack Grealish, John Stones and Raheem Sterling could have stepped up to dispatch the spot kick instead. Oh well. It’s all well and good discussing these things in hindsight but what has happened has happened. England must learn from it. It has been one hell of a journey. Saka should not be blamed for the defeat. He has been really good during the tournament. He put in some very good performances. It was nice that his team mates consoled him straight after the shootout was over. Rashford and Sancho should not be blamed either. Rashford did not play much but he needs to rest and fully recover before the next season. He does not look fully fit or look like he is at his best. Sancho was really good against Ukraine. Some people will say that England got an easy route to the final and should have won on their own turf but you can only beat what’s in front of you. The victory against Denmark was historic and significantly boosted morale. The 4-0 rout of Ukraine was lovely to watch. The English fans were spoilt with goals in the game. Jordan Pickford had a great tournament and the defence was solid. Luke Shaw made a huge contribution. Five clean sheets were kept which is really promising.  Luke Shaw and Harry Maguire were fantastic throughout the entire tournament. Saka was excellent too. He is only 19 years old. I feel for the young lad, this experience will be devastating and difficult but I have no doubt that he will learn from it and it will help to grow stronger. I really do hope the England players and Gareth Southgate can all learn from this harsh experience and use it to do even better in the Qatar World Cup next year. Congratulations to Italy. They were fantastic throughout the tournament and Roberto Mancini has worked wonders with his group of players. Italy have won their 6th major tournament in football which is something that will bring immense joy and pride to the people of the nation. Italy went from failing to qualify for the 2018 World Cup to European Championship winners three years later. They deserve this. They won all their games albeit the last two through a penalty shootout. Donnarumma was awarded the player of the tournament. He was the hero in the penalty shootout for the semi final victory against Spain and in the final against England. He is a fantastic keeper and is still very young therefore has many years ahead. Italy have been unstoppable. They have not lost a match since 2018. The winning run continues. Even when they aren't at their best, they find a way to still get a result and win. Bonucci and Chiellini, the two experienced veteran centre backs have had illustrious careers with Juventus and now they have won with their country. They both experienced heartbreak and defeat 9 years ago in 2012, when Italy got thrashed 4-0 by an incredible Spain side in the Euros final. They have now won the Euros so the feeling must be very sweet for them and for Italian fans. A feeling of redemption. Even though England lost, as much as it hurts and it is very frustrating, there are plenty of positives to take. It was a good achievement getting to the final, the first final since 1966. It shows progress but England need to make sure they learn from this experience and win a tournament in the future. I did not expect England to reach the final therefore it can be argued that they overachieved however, when you get to a final, you need to win, especially when you are so close and it gets settled on penalties. My heart goes out to the England players and to Southgate. They can be immensely proud of how far they have come. Although England did not win, it does not take away from the progress and journey that the squad have been on and does not diminish all the good work that has been done. The boys can hold their heads up high with pride. They are heroes. They fought and they gave it their all. I just hope they win in the future. That will be real success. The performances from Gareth Southgate's team have given people in England wonderful memories. It has been an incredible journey and the nation was united. It was nice to see so much joy and pride in the country after the last 15 months or so which have been very difficult for everyone due to the Covid 19 pandemic. England have some brilliant players and they can take a lot of encouragement from this. Italy are a really good team therefore it was always going to be difficult game. To defeat them is really hard but England gave it their best shot. A penalty shootout can go either way and for a final of a major tournament to be decided by that is very harsh. It is difficult to take but I have no doubt that the  Three Lions will be back and raring to go for the next World Cup. Football may not have come home this time but I have faith that it will do soon. England will be back.

[itsmaddienotmaddy]

I wasn’t planning on my game review because I was late to the god damn party (melly working a little TOO hard last night). But I lack the ability to shut up about soccer SO.

US v Australia 2.0 - the battle for BRONZE

AD mf FRANCH. I love her. Okay? What a hard position to step into and she handled it well. Australia is a tough team and they scored bangers. Huge props to AD for holding it down. That one Kerr save?? HUGE. (Also her hair looked GR8, Tierna did a good job)

Becky. Captain Becky. It’s not like I ever doubt her brilliance and she is so SOLID. It’s genuinely impressive and the way she stepped to the ball all game and the clearances she was able to make, tackles, everything. She’s amazing.

And TIERNA. What a tournament for her. I’m sure she didn’t expect as many minutes with how consistent the Abby-Becky combo has been. But with Abby struggling, T stepped up and did so with confidence and class. Like, last game, the PK, that could have rocked anyone’s mental game. But not Tierna. She showed up. Future star. Already a star!

Crystal Dunn everybody. Hardworking, badass, smart as hell, vision, the footwork, I don’t know! Every wonderful quality you can say about soccer players, she HAS it.

Kelley. The birthday gal. She wasn’t leaving without a medal. That much was clear. Could she stay in her feet more? Yeah, I’d prefer it! But her speed to shut down balls out to Foord and her crosses to the middle were great. Did she really miss marking Foord on that header goal? Also Yeah. But we won so I’m not finding it in me to care very much.

Julie. Um. How’d she go from MCL injury, not playing any minutes to p much a full ninety in every game but one? Can I have her doctors number? Can they fix my knee? Whatever the secret sauce was, that takes some grit. She’s not lollygagging around the field. She’s working her ass off winning balls and directing the team. So so solid.

SAM. Hopefully she’s okay! It always hurts my heart a bit when any of them go down. But before the sub off, more glimpses of Sammy Bananas playing more like herself! Winning headers, as she SHOULD, and positioning her body right to love players off the ball. I hope drunk, Lizzo yelling Sammy made an appearance post-game

Lindsey Bulldozer Horan. Pinoe said it. She had herself a game. The Portland Aussie days came in handy and she said Caitlin and Hayley, you may NOT have the ball if you are in my vicinity. Sorry not sorry. She took a moment to find the right weight behind the ball to serve, but when she found the sweet spot, it was good shit. And I know she gets flack for being as strong as she is and going to ground easy. But this game, THIS game. She showed that when she uses her damn muscles and stays up, goodbye. There were 2-3 occasions where she was just powering through, shaking players off like gnats. More of that please.

Rosie. I love when Rose gets fired up. She’s everywhere and running full speed. In the past, she looked fragile, like the wind would blow her over. Not anymore. Rose will go for the crunching tackles, and she is strong enough to body players away. Her passing wasn’t back to full accuracy yet, but her heart seems to always be in it.

Sonnett - smack dab in the middle of this because she got to play MIDFIELD. She did well for her minutes and had a great save in the box near the end. And beyond that. Her energy on the bench is so positive and joyous. She really seems to lift others up and having that on a team is so essential. Love her celebrations

Press. I think there was a collective celebration knowing that Press finally is getting an Oly medal. It was nice to see her big ole smile during the game again. It would have been poetic to see a goal out of her, but it wasn’t her day for that, shots going a little off Target or not having enough oomph. But some excellent runs, movement with the ball, and defensive work. She was certainly one who, if she happened to lose the ball, she was sure as fuck getting it back. Say thank you to your leggies Christen, they served you well.

Tobin. Happy to see her in another game. Knowing that her injury had the potential to be career ending, seeing her play in games feels like a gift. We didn’t get to see her typical Tobin magic, but watching her play sometimes is enough for me. Though, I could be singing a different song if Carli decided not to try for a hatty and was a lil more unselfish in the box. BECAUSE TOBIN WAS WIDE OPEN.

Alex. My heart hurts for her too. To have limited minutes and get hurt during those minutes. Her scoring opportunity was a beautiful run. Didn’t end in a goal but I can appreciate it all the same. It’s not an excuse but I don’t know how she kept her head straight all tournament having to leave Charlie behind for the first time. Like, the most separation since she was born. (And this goes for ALL athlete parents forced to leave their kids behind.) I wouldn’t be able to do it. I hope baby Charles enjoys the bronze medal. I expect an adorable picture of her wearing it. Plz and thx.

Carli - she scored 2 fabulous goals. Those are the only nice words I have for her.

MOVING ON and FINISHING UP

PINOE. Holy fucking shit. Say what we all will about her stamina, but boy does she show up for us when we need her most. I could have said that just about the Olimpico, but then she goes and scores that side volley?? Are you kidding me? Big bummer for Alanna Kennedy in that moment, but oh my GOD. Pinoe rules.

Special game day shout outs to cute wobbly Alyssa celebrations in the stands and to Kristie and Sam Kerr getting to be gay for the world to see. Love that for them.

[engelenaudio]

Reflection 9: Evaluating my progress

With my Semester A drawing to a close, I want to use my penultimate blog post to overview my progress in programming so far, specifically by evaluating my programming assignment that is pretty much completed bar a couple final touches. 

My programming assignment was to write a simple program that allowed the user to generate an audio file that played a 3 note chord of a complex waveform, for example a square wave. A high level submission would allow the user to customise various parameters of this audio file such as sample rate and bit depth, alongside a text file which logged all of the user’s choices.

Coming into the module with a very basic foundation in C++, I was initially intimidated by this assignment, however, a combination of extra reading, tutorial lectures and utilisation of the JUCE library (a C++ library designed to build audio programs) allowed me to add every feature listed on the assignment brief except one or two. 

(Fig 1.1: My Audio Programming assignment brief.)

My approach to tackling this assignment was to build a bare bones prototype of the program and then slowly add extra features as we covered them in lectures and as I progressed through my reading. For me this was an effective strategy as I had a functioning program very early on that I could refine overtime. It allowed me to view and use the extra features we covered in lectures, in context with a working program. This helped me organise my code and understand what each part was doing.

From my research, I learnt that organising code was vital to building successful code. Especially when it comes to debugging (fixing) code, ‘When your code follows specific order, it is much easier for you or anyone else to find particular line or property to change it.’ (Devero, A., 2014). This is important when your code is doing lots of things at the same time. I found with my code that organising it and labelling the individual parts really accelerated my work flow as it allowed me to access different parts of the code efficiently, especially since at my level, I found it difficult to quickly recognise the code as doing a specific task, so labelling helped with that. Furthermore, I wanted to make my code easy to read for when it will be assessed.

Organising my code took some practice, and I often had to go back and re-write functional lines of code wholly to simplify them. For example, I initially had my code that receives user input, located in the main section of the code (”int main” function). However this resulted in a messy section of my code. Below, Fig 2.1. shows how I presented my code initially. The top section is the code that receives and processes the user input, and the lower section tells the program to run the above section. I had a top section for every single parameter listed in the bottom section, which cluttered up the code.

(Fig 2.1: Initial, less organised code.)

I learnt that it was good practice to house code that isn’t included in the “int main” function, in a “header file”. This means that the code is in a separate file that is out of the way, but can still be accessed by code with the “int main” function.

(Fig 2.2: Main.cpp file housing the main code, alongside the Classheader.h header file with the extraneous code.)

Whilst progressing my programming skills, I encountered and used multiple sources. One valuable source was Will C. Pirckle’s Book titled “Designing Audio Effect Plugins in C++” (Pirckle, W., C., 2019). This hefty textbook gave me detailed, math based theory and fundamental knowledge of contexts where audio programming might be used. As digital audio processing is largely based on pre-digital eras, knowing what code to use when is significant. There is little actual source code mentioned in the book, as it focuses more so on the contexts of audio programming. I found this very useful as it was a perfect companion to other sources that I used which focused on the code itself but didn't explain when and where to use them. This book was by no means an easy read, and required me to brush up on my A-level maths, but it definitely assisted my research and work. 

An example of a complimentary source as mentioned above, were the JUCE tutorials and the JUCE modules list. These webpages gave me direct access to components from the JUCE library that I could implement into my code. For example, within my code I wanted to allow the user to export the audio in multiple formats such as WAV. The WavAudioFormat Class Reference page (JUCE, n.d) gave me a clear overview of its features so that I could add them to my code.

Employing multiple sources into my research turned out to be a very effective strategy, as there was never a source that would encompass everything I needed.

Overall, I think I have made very good progress in programming. The assignment has introduced me to JUCE and has given me not only more knowledge of audio specific programming, but also introduced me to more general rules and ways of going about building a program start to finish. I have much further to go as I begin to delve into audio plugin architecture, but I feel more confident approaching this with a more solid foundation in audio programming.

References:

Devero, A., (2014). How Many Plug-ins is Too Many? Does It Matter? [Online] October 19th 2014 Available from: https://blog.alexdevero.com/why-every-developer-should-organize-his-code/ [Accessed: December 29th 2020]

Pirckle, W., C. (2019) Designing Audio Effect Plugins in C++. 2nd Edition. New York: Routledge. [Accessed: December 29th 2020]

JUCE, (n.d) WavAudioFormat Class Reference [Online] n.d. Available from: https://docs.juce.com/master/classWavAudioFormat.html [Accessed: December 29th 2020]

Figures:

Figure 1.1: ‘My Audio Programming assignment brief’, Remi Engelen, December 29th 2020

Figure 2.1: ‘Initial, less organised code.’, Remi Engelen, December 29th 2020

Figure 2.2: ‘Main.cpp file housing the main code, alongside the Classheader.h header file with the extraneous code.’, Remi Engelen, December 29th 2020

[getseriouser]

20 THOUGHTS: You can't bite the boys of the Bulldog breed

FUNNY that.

The Bulldogs were wooden spoon certainties and in a world of trouble, now we jump off Essendon as quickly, pardoning their victors as we do.

Collingwood wins by four goals against a lowly Carlton and now Buckley is showing something we’ve never seen before?

West Coast kick six unanswered goals in the final term when their travelling opponents had a smaller bench than an inner-city apartment’s kitchenette and they are now on the path to greatness?

Steady on.

 1.       Cricket first - in a sport that desperately could use some PR right about now - why haven't we had a female umpire a men's test match? Has it happened and no-one noticed? Or is it a glaring oversite with other men’s competitions around the world catching up? Cricket Australia needs me. James Sutherland, you have my number, give me a call.

 2.       So the Doggies. Had a significant portion of their best line-up out on Sunday and showed a bit, showed us what we think the 2016 premiers should be playing like. Round One was what it was, and yes they had a stinker to follow up, but these Dogs will be just fine, probably not a top four fancy but certainly a long way from the bottom of the ladder come the end of August.

 3.       As for their opponents, well yes, little excuse. Unlike the winners, Essendon were pretty close to rolling out their best team (Gleeson perhaps the only exception?) and yet were pummelled and lucky to have gotten so close. In that case, on Sunday, that just comes down to a bit of want and desire. Not good. But there’s always a next week so not all is lost at Tullamarine.

 4.       Hasn’t the man love come for Nic Naitanui since Sunday night. He is back, there’s no-one better in full flight, best on ground and probably a Logie, Nobel Prize and a chance to play for the showcase on Price is Right too. However, and this goes somewhat for Stef Martin who also played a ‘blinder’ on the weekend, who were they rucking against? Both Geelong and Port Adelaide did not possess a first-choice ruckman, so for Naitanui and Martin to go bananas is bare minimum. That’s what separates Max Gawn and Brodie Grundy above the others. Gawn defeated an All-Australian ruckman in Todd Goldstein, Grundy took down a pretty handy colleague in Matty Kreuzer too. So, as mentioned above, when it comes to ruckmen dominating games with no equal – steady on.

 5.       Geez the Power run it dicey with opponents they should just be taking care of. Credit to the Lions I guess but Port are so lucky. Yet, a win is a win, they didn’t stuff it up like last year when this would have gone against them, if they ride their luck and make amends, this is still a very positive platform for Ken Hinkley’s men.

 6.       This column continues to be enamoured with the Freo back six. A solid, in-form and gelling backline is the foundation of good, great sides. The combination of Joel Hamling, premiership player, the assured veteran presence of Michael Johnson and Stephen Hill, the rapidly developing Alex Pearce and Luke Ryan plus one of the recruits of the year in Nathan Wilson, that’s a very good core group. Let alone the fact their mids look great especially their captain and their forward line is functioning and dangerous alike, again, it’s all set up for success.

 7.       Friday night, gee the heat came for Jacob Weitering. Liam Jones had a few brain fades but I’m not sure why the sole focus of the attention for Carlton letting a winless team roll through for nine unanswered goals went on the former no.1 pick? How about some attention for the midfield who looked completely absent leaving the Blues’ defence with little prospects to do anything to stop the wave? Starts with the captain whose getting away with doing the best part of bugger all so far in 2018.

 8.       Their opponents, first win for the Pies, they looked alright. Throw Elliott, Fasolo and Moore with what worked Friday inside 50, the back six is improving and confidence with ball movement can grow into the season – they present ‘some’ chance to be 4-4 after eight rounds where their draw does get easier than the start. Need luck, some they need to create themselves, some the way of good fortune.

 9.       Different role for Scott Pendlebury, essentially ran with Cripps all night, now Cripps did end up with 26 but wasn’t anywhere near as influential as Round One. A big stat: no-one in the competition has tackled more so far this season than the Pies' skipper, not known for the real physical side of the game but leading by example in that way.

 10.   Gold Coast leads the tackle count after three rounds with 250, they did have 98 in Round One though in the monsoonal conditions against North who had 86 themselves and are second for that team stat as you’d expect. Third though, Collingwood, 212.

 11.   Interesting, the teams that have had been tackled the most, North and Gold Coast are high because of Round One, but number one? Carlton, averaging 77 a game where the average is 62. They are really struggling to find space. The best, no surprise, Richmond, averaging 50 a game. Dogs just behind in second best, they actually are playing ok.

 12.   Essendon are the by far the worst team for conceding uncontested possessions so far, a decent margin ahead of second worst Brisbane. That’s down to workrate and team discipline as we said before.

 13.   Last team stat, inside 50s conceded, the worst, Geelong, ahead of North, Gold Coast and Carlton. Averaging over 60 a game conceded the Cats, so once opposition get the ball, it’s too easy to transition, or turn the Cats over and get re-entry. The best, Melbourne, Port and Freo, just over 40 a game, big difference.

 14.   As for Geelong, Ablett goes down and so did their chances coincidentally. He wasn’t the sole factor but once he came off at the start of the fourth the Eagles flicked a switch and ran rampant. Almost immediately he has become their best player and just edges Dangerfield perhaps for their most important. And he ain’t no spring chicken, with an increasingly concerning knack for picking up niggles.

 15.   Sunday saw Clarko almost orchestrate another upset; they will overachieve far too often this year. The Tigers were by far the better outfit but I credit the Hawthorn coaching box and not lady luck for the fact the Hawks were in it almost all the way. Such a genius.

 16.   So the Saints are looking into Dylan Shiel. Josh Kelly stayed, so there’s nothing to suggest that Shiel might do any differently. But given the Saints ‘perception’ right now, other than monster cash – good luck.

 17.   Buddy watch, might not get a vote, only got two goals although one was just mega, but was in the best half dozen on the field easily and is on big time in 2018. Please make sure you get on.

 18.   Want to touch on big Melbourne crowds -  six crowds at the ‘G so far of approximately 55k and above with some over 80k. Three including Hawthorn, two with Collingwood, two with Richmond. A couple 40k+ at Etihad too, both Essendon games. Hawks-Dees will be good this week, two huge games next week Dees-Tigers and Pies-Dons, with those four clubs reverse the Sunday after too. People are turning up to the footy in droves, the game’s going well.

 19.   Let’s have a look at Sydney, their NRL crowds, 19 of the 37 ‘fixtures’ (they've had double headers) so far in the NRL have been in Sydney, a mix of old suburban and big stadium venues. Only two crowds over 30k, averaging 16k, other than Origin or finals not likely to get anything over 40k all year. Yes the money is in TV, but crowds are still a very important revenue source and talks to fan engagement. Yes, the Giants are still too new in a tough environment, the Swans though, two home games, both 34k, the two highest attended football games in town so far in 2018.

 20.   Conor McGregor throws a hand trolley at a bus. Connor McKenna bites Tory Dickson. If you meet an Irishman, named Connor, with a Scottish surname, back away slowly…

(originally published 10 April)

[princehandsome]

So, I wanted to make a list of all of the games that came out in 2017 that I actually played, and kind of briefly discuss what I thought of them. 

The list ended up being longer than I thought, so the games and such are under a readmore! Everything is pretty much spoiler free, minus some very light, first-hour spoilers I talk about when it comes to the premise of a game.

The main highlights of this list are: Resident Evil 7 is my game of the year, because it’s so damn good, and also it was a really rough year as a Dangan Ronpa fan, because New Dangan Ronpa V3 fucking sucks.

The year kicked off really strong with Resident Evil 7, which I was incredibly excited to play after the electrifying E3 trailer, and the playable teaser. This was fresh off the cancellation of P.T., so there was a big hole in my heart to fill, but Resident Evil 7 knocked it out of the park with ease. The whole experience is so amazing, managing to inject some good survival horror elements into a tired franchise to revitalize it, while not losing that over-the-top, B-Movie Resident Evil charm. The DLC only elevates it, with the Banned Footage tapes being bite-sized additions of the gameplay you love, while stuff like Not A Hero and The End of Zoe changes up the gameplay in fun and amazing ways.

Hitman has never been a franchise I’ve been into, but I decided to try the new episodic version of it that’s come out recently, and it’s a lot of fun! I’m god-awful at stealth games, but the game offers you some pretty cool guided assassination plans, if you’re terrible like I am, while more experienced people can find faster or more elaborate ways to do it, off-script. It’s a lot of fun, and if you’re into stealth based games, I’d definitely recommend it.

Being a recent Switch owner, naturally I had to pick up The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild as my first game on it, because, duh. It seems like a fun game, but there’s something there I just can’t get into; maybe it’s not giving me the story fast enough? Maybe it’s the sometimes wonky controls? I really can’t say. The combat is easily my favorite part, but I find myself losing interest when I’m not finding hidden treasure or slashing enemies to pieces.

An extremely controversial game to come out this year was Mass Effect Andromeda, the newest Mass Effect installment and the first one to not be made by the main Bioware team, as far as I can recall. It’s true that a lot of the faces are wonky (or at least, they were on launch, I’m seeing that patches have made them better) and that some of the writing is weird, but I still really enjoyed it. Combat has never been better, and the RPG elements are still satisfying enough to keep you invested. Any game that lets me really customize my character and pick some relatively diverse speech options has my heart from the start, and there really wasn’t anything in Andromeda that lost me. Frankly, I’d love to see this team tackle another Mass Effect game, using what they learned from Andromeda, but that probably isn’t going to be a thing after the reception to it.

Being incredibly into Dangan Ronpa, it may come as a surprise that I’ve never played Zero Escape, so when I got Zero Escape: The Nonary Games as a Christmas gift, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I’m barely an hour into the game, but I’m super into it so far! The puzzles are cool and fun, all of the characters are interesting so far, and the plot gives a very effective air of tension to everything happening. This game is definitely going to be what ends up scratching my Dangan Ronpa itch for 2018, but I’ll speak more about Dangan Ronpa below.

Being a huge Persona 4 fan, I was pretty optimistic about Persona 5, which my fiance @shutupshea was really hyped up about. I’ve gotta say, I really don’t care for it. Persona 4 was a game bursting with optimism and love, with tons of warm interactions with total random strangers, and even through the dark events, the main theme of it was friendship, and love, and the different ways that can manifest. The only real theme I got out of Persona 5 was... the world is bad, and people are bad? People in positions of authority will always abuse their power in the most over-the-top, cartoonish ways? Don’t get me wrong, I know that there are a thousand shitty people in a thousand positions of power, but it just feels overly cynical to get beaten over the head with it in every line of dialogue from every single character. The gameplay seems fun and deep, I just can’t really get into the narrative of it.

Being a fan of Outlast, and a super fan of the Whistleblower DLC, I was really pumped up for Outlast II, and it was... okay? It was kind of a mixed bag. On one hand, I think there were a lot of good gameplay improvements, and the overall pacing of the story felt like it moved along at a better clip, leaving me less frustrated. I also thought the ending was much, much better, via having greater emotional impact. On the other hand, I felt like some of the dark elements were... too dark? Not to say they like, personally offended or disgusted me, moreso that they made it difficult to take the game seriously. When you see the fifteenth mass grave, it less horrifies you, and more makes you go “how can there possibly be this many dead people in one town?” Overall I liked it, and I’d recommend it to horror game fans, but it was a lot weaker than the first game, and doesn’t even hold a candle to the Whistleblower.

Prey is a game everyone’s super into, and having played two or three hours of it so far, I’ve got to admit... I don’t super get it? Don’t get me wrong, it’s fun, and it reminds me a lot of the original Bioshock; the design is good, the weapons are varied, there just isn’t anything there that keeps me... super interested, I guess. It wasn’t like Rapture, where it’s filled with all of these incredibly colorful characters and antagonists, it just seems to be goo aliens and your dickhead brother trying to stop you from regaining your memories. I’m assuming some big bombshell is coming soon, but my main issue with it is that the plot feels incredibly... vanilla, in the early game.

I think I wrote a blog post about the original Injustice, which I was gaga over, and Injustice 2 is an improvement... somewhat. The gameplay is good, and the customization of each hero/villain is awesome, really letting you craft a distinct visual and gameplay style. That being said, I feel as though the story was much weaker (until the very end, the last couple of chapters are very emotionally strong) and the roster of characters was a little disappointing. No Nightwing... No Deathstroke... No Doomsday... What’s the point? Overall, it’s a worthy sequel, but it didn’t top the first, in my heart.

I didn’t want to put any remastered games on my list, but the Crash Bandicoot N. Sane Trilogy earns a spot through virtue of being a remaster of such an old game series, leading a lot of people to play it now for the first time. I’m a huge Crash Bandicoot fan, it was my game of choice growing up, and I still fondly remember playing Crash Team Racing with my parents (where’s that remaster?). All in all, it’s a very competent remaster, with basically all of the weird quirks and certainly all of the difficulty in-tact, and I’d highly, highly recommend it to anyone who hasn’t played Crash Bandicoot before.

Telltale’s Batman Season 2 managed the unlikely feat of making me really enjoy a Telltale game, episode by episode. I really loved the first season, it being the first Telltale game I’ve ever enjoyed, but I had to ask myself if I’d still like it if I had to wait 1-2 months in between each episode. Would it hold up, having larger expectations for each episode? As it turns out, it certainly holds up! Having cool and original twists on each classic Batman baddie, a tone and visual style that’s right at home with the best of the Arkham games, and just generally dynamite character writing, Telltale’s Batman is fantastic for fans and newcomers alike, to the whole Batman mythos. Now, where the heck is Deathstroke, and where’s my Batfamily, Telltale!?

Back when it first came out, I played about two weeks of Destiny, non-stop, before I got really bored and jaded. I never bought any of the DLC, because I’me one of those people that thinks that you shouldn’t have to pay money to have a good game, but it got at least a solid chunk of my time, and some good memories with my buddies doing Vault of Glass. Destiny 2 held my attention for about two hours before I went “this is boring” and turned it off.

Never played anything in the Divinity series, but a buddy of mine recommended Divinity: Original Sin 2 to me, as it’s an Oblivion RPG, and it was new, and I could play it for free off of his Steam account. I must have put, I dunno, ten hours into it? It’s an extremely good RPG, but mostly I was put off because, and I’m showing my age here, it just felt too old. I didn’t hate it for that, but eventually there’s only so long I can spend in a top-down view of tiny character models, clicking buttons on a hotbar. There came a point where I just got sort of tired of the gameplay, but if you don’t mind stuff like that, then Divinity: Original Sin 2 is probably like, one of those hundred hour RPGs.

Now, I’m obsessed with Dangan Ronpa. My avatar is Dangan Ronpa, my header is Dangan Ronpa, I talk about Dangan Ronpa almost constantly. It’s safe to say Dangan Ronpa is my favorite franchise ever, even moreso than stuff like Star Wars, and Super Dangan Ronpa 2 is probably my favorite game of all time, despite my misgivings with it. So, you’d think New Dangan Ronpa V3 would be an easy GOTY for me, right? I’ve played through two chapters (the prologue, and Chapter 1) and I got a little bit into Chapter 2, and I reached the verdict, almost right after Chapter 1 ended, that New Dangan Ronpa V3 actually sucks a butt, and is probably the worst Dangan Ronpa game thus far. Whereas other games had very strong emotional cores and casts of characters you instantly fell in love with, New Dangan Ronpa V3 has left me feeling cold on... just about everyone. There are a couple of characters I like, here and there, but for the most part, I just... don’t care about what happens to any of them. Anybody could get murdered, and anybody could be the culprit, and I’d basically feel nothing. I don’t find myself curious about what the overarching mystery is, I don’t find myself pondering the identity of the master mind, I just... don’t care about any of it, which is probably the most damning thing I could say about a Dangan Ronpa game.

On the subject of sequels to games I liked, The Evil Within 2! I always thought the first game was actually pretty good and a lot of fun, and I’ll love Joseph Oda until I die, and the sequel was... pretty good? It falls into that area for me where I think all of the gameplay improvements were great, but overall the story was much weaker, and so were the characters. It didn’t feel as fun or varied as the first game did, like it had the same amount of imagination, but in much lesser quality. Out of the three main bad guys you fight, only the first one is really interesting, and the recurring Anima enemy was the only super memorable boss fight. Overall, it was a fun followup, but I still like the first more.

Doki Doki Literature Club came out of nowhere and took the world by storm, and I’m so so glad I was able to avoid spoilers about it and go in relatively blind. I knew that it had a horror twist to it, so I was expecting it to start glitching out and having eerie stuff happen, but I really wasn’t expecting to get so invested in it. It’s an experience that’ll stick with me for a long long time, and I’ll never forget the best girl, Natsuki. The game is amazing, and if you’re reading this and haven’t experienced it, go do it! It’s free on Steam, and try to stay as blind as possible!

I’m one of those people that buys Call of Duty every year. I always have fun with them, they always keep me occupied for a few months, and I generally don’t have anything bad to say about them. There’ve been some weak years, especially with Black Ops 3 for me, but Call of Duty: World War 2 is a competent little package to bring CoD back to its roots, in both a literal and figurative manner. An emphasis on classes, boots on the ground, World War 2, it’s basically everything the fans asked for, and it’s pretty solid! My only complaint is that I think I’m getting too old for twitch shooters, because my aim and reflexes are getting god-awful, even though I used to be amazing back in the CoD4 days.

Star Wars: Battlefront 2 is an even more controversial game than Mass Effect Andromeda, from Loot Boxes to laggy servers to yadda yadda yadda... I never really had much of a dog in the fight, to be honest. I play stuff like Overwatch and Counter Strike, so loot boxes are pretty par for the course (Counter Strike even makes you pay them to open the box!) and while these boxes did technically give an advantage, I don’t find that the Star Card system allows for anything too wild, as far as power gap due to lootbox elements. By and large, I didn’t care, but it seems as though the narrative of the game has basically become the loot boxes, leaving many people unaware that it’s actually a fun game! There weren’t any paid lootboxes present at launch, so all lootboxes here are earned in-game and in-game only, and usually just contain garbage anyways, so most of what you’re going to be doing is from gameplay too. All in all, it kind of makes me sad that this was the game people decided to rail on for lootboxes (despite so, so, so many other games having them and getting away just fine) instead of holding it up as a massive improvement over the first game. Overall, I still think it has some flaws, but with a full year of free DLC and many features (like trooper customization!) being confirmed to be on the way, I’m really happy to be playing it now. Honestly I think I play Battlefront 2 more than Call of Duty, or... any game on this list. I really really like it.

[ubwfc]

Bristol 1s V Loughborough 1s 0-2

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining bright and Amy Brook’s pride flag was battling against the wind. The 1s were playing the top sports uni in the country so everyone was excited for what they knew would be a great game (except the 1s actually having to play the match hehe). Arriving at coombe you wouldn’t be mistaken for thinking you’d walked into a press conference. Loughborough decided they wanted to sprawl not one, not two, but THREE cameras across the entire chicken shed. Not on Ella Salusbury’s watch. This social media sec wasn’t sacrificing her own content and swiftly told them to move along. Back on the pitch and Bristol were ready to battle………………. except Amaia who broke her thumb in the warm up but kept it on the down low x nice x

Bristol started off strong and Sophie made an impact instantly, bringing the ball under control with her chest only to wind herself in the process. Her rock-solid abs must have punctured the ball because the ref quickly swapped it for a more inflated one. Henna showed her adaptability and versatility in her new centre-back position, sweeping up Loughborough through balls and knocking them back up the pitch. Taken aback that they weren’t the best, Loughborough resorted to constant pushes in the back which the ref failed to give, one even sending poor Nancy tumbling to the floor. What more evidence did he need for a foul????????? Even more drama followed shortly, with Henna going in for a header only to be brought crashing back down to earth. Assuming she had collided with Anna, but it later being revealed it was Nancy (the blood on her ear was a giveaway), we feared our Henny Penny would be out of this match before it had even begun. With Bill unable to run to her rescue because of his ankle injury, lovely lady Laura kindly sprinted over to deliver Henna some water. After a check by Bill, Henna and her new fat lip were ready to go again (people pay good money for lips like that babes).

Bristol were not short of chances, with a ball from Stella to Sophie looking promising only for it to be called offside. Liz was making the Loughborough defence work hard, whilst Stella was taking on multiple players at the same time. Her and Sophie were linking up nicely, playing around Loughborough’s wingers, even playing 1-2s off them. At the back Laura was clearing free kicks from safety, and even taking some belters of her own. Phoebes throw ins were phenomenal, travelling for miles. All this great football had Tyler thinking about career options and led her to approach the Red Bull team at half time asking for a job. Back on the pitch and the supporters could FEEL a goal coming; a hell of a ball from Keira found the feet of Liz who races it forward, but is tackled at the last minute. Ash was doing well to hold Loughborough outside the box, and anything that came over her petite head was headed away by Laura. Stella continued to give the audience a skill school, swooping in to help Sophie’s BFG number 12 who was literally 7 times her height. Stella performed step overs even Ronaldo would be proud of, fooling Loughborough, and then megsing one. A ball to Sophie had the audience screaming. She was THROUGH and one on one with the keeper but her shot takes a deflection and rolls just wide of the post. The frustration is real as Bristol just cannot find the net. Down the other end Amaia is doing BITS. A Loughborough corner is played in and it looks like its rolling in. There’s gasps from the audience. Amaia leaps onto it at the last minute, with two safe hands on it. Loughborough contest that it went over the line, sorry not sorry we have such a fabby keeper. HT 0-0.

The opening of the second half saw a few technical difficulties. In a filming switch over between Becky and Vicky they realise they may or may not have forgotten to press record. Oops. Just a few minutes into the second half Loughborough win a penalty putting them ahead. 1-0 Loughborough. Bristol do not give up and are continued to commit everything they had. Some excellent slide tackles from Henna and Stella, and Nancy heading everything out the way, Bristol looked set to make a come-back. Amaia was as strong as ever in goal, dealing with one on one’s fantastically. Nothing was getting past her. An effort from Keira was offside, and another through ball to her is a little too heavy for her to chase. It’s not Bristol’s day and so Bill decides to shake things up. Camilla comes on for Ash and Emma on for Keira. Bristol’s effort for a goal is worsened by the big fat time-wasting giant wotsit Loughborough goal keeper who thinks she’s out for a dog walk every time she goes to retrieve the ball. Back in the Bristol half and a Loughborough free kick (HIGHLY contested by an angry Phoebe Tate) is played into the box and flew towards the top left-hand corner – but someone seemed to forget which team they’re playing for and a Loughborough player rises up and heads it over the bar. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Nice clearance thank you so much. Loughborough were playing DIRTY, with someone taking Liz out so hard her headband fell out!!! Bill then sent Henna up to join Anna, Stella and Nancy in the middle leaving three at the back :O :O Worried about this new formation, Phoebe resorts to catching the ball in between her legs, wrapping them round the ball, and keeping the ball safe that way. Not sure that’s how it works babe xx Before Henna has a chance to settle in in the middle, a Loughborough through ball catches everyone off guard and is fired into the back of the net. 2-0 Loughborough.

With the treacherous rain, and the seconds ticking down, Bristol knew there wasn’t much time left and the pressure is on. Nancy was falling over her own feet, and shots from Henna and Stella were going just wide. Nancy was putting in tackles left right and centre, but Loughborough found a way past and looked set to make it 3. BUT NOT ON AMAIA’S watch. She had been fantastic all game and was until the end. Amaia comes out, taking on the girl one on one. She puts her body on the line and jumps high to block the shot. YESS AMAIA. On that note, the whistle goes. FT 2-0 Loughborough. Not quite the cocky 10-0 you ladies predicted on your Instagram story was it wheyyyy.

Squad: Amaia Emmerson Phoebe Tate Henna Butcher Laura Barrett Ashleigh Guest Nancy Gilmartin Anna Cairns Stella Gandee Morgan Sophie Price Elizabeth Robinson Keria Madden Ellen Brown Niamh Carty Camilla Sameur Emma Thill Simone Yumeng Lin Player of the match: Nancy Gilmartin Dick of the day: Loughborough - for invading the chicken shed, for having a time-wasting keeper, and for getting overly cocky on the gram x

[heirofshape]

So You Want to Mod Your Dodge Dart

This guide is intended for use solely with the 2013-16 series Dodge Dart 2.4 Liter GT. I cannot guarantee that all of these parts will work with other models.

The Dodge Dart GT is a solid and dependable vehicle, but if you go looking for modifications to squeeze a little more oomph out of the 3,200 lb curb weight, and Lord knows, it needs it, you’ll find that your hands are a bit tied at first. As of yet, there are no fully compatible turbocharger or supercharger kits, and any engine swaps will prove prohibitively cash and labor intensive. Lucky for you, I have compiled a solid list of modifications, that will really make this Dart live up to its name.

Disclaimer: This goes without saying, that if you have any regular maintenance issues, such as needing an oil change, new tires, brake pads, or any pressing leaks in your fluids; please for the love of Jegus take care of those first.

Stage One Modifications

The first thing you are going to want to work on is improving the natural aspiration, since we don’t have any forced induction options, and throttle responsiveness. The primary focus of this first stage is to make minimally invasive changes to the vehicle in order to increase horsepower by approximately 15, and increase throttle responsiveness.

Stage One - $629.97

* Injen Cold Air Intake - $159.99

* MPX Crank Pulley - $219.99

* Madness Go Pedal - $249.99

Component Breakdown

Injen Cold Air Intake - $159.99

This cold air intake is pretty much the best option balancing price and performance. It has a nice wide bore to it allowing for great air flow from the wheel well. The air filter is washable, just remember to clean it people, modded exhaust doesn’t matter if you don’t take care of it. Unfortunately it does not come with an air box or compatible radiator shield like the Mopar sport cold air filter/hood scoop snorkel combo; but the Mopar option will run well over a grand if you do not already have an official Mopar hood with the scoop, and the extra piping with the snorkel reduces air velocity, while quieting that powerful growl. The lack of a hood scoop is something we’lol come back to.

Pros:

* Wide bore piping nets 7HP

* Increases Torque By 5lbs

* Louder than Mopar option

* Easy installation

Cons:

* No Sport Hood

* No air box

* Louder than Mopar option

MPX Lightweight Crank Pulley - $219.99

IMO, this is a very underrated modification. By installing a lighter crank pulley and water pump pulley, you’re essentially reducing the inertia required to change the speed at which your drivetrain operates. This allows for more responsiveness when accelerating. While it does not make your vehicle any more powerful, you’re essentially reclaiming about 5 ponies with this little set of wheels. As long as you do not replace your flywheel with a lighter one while using this, you shouldn’t have any Check Engine Light issues, and this is far easier to replace than the flywheel as long as you have some tools and muscle.

Pros:

* More responsive throttling

* Takes 4lbs off of drivetrain

* Reclaims approx. 5 HP

* More responsive throttling

* Improves fuel economy

Cons:

* Installation may prove difficult

Madness Go Pedal - $249.99

This is an extremely quick and easy modification that’s pretty much just plug and play. It modifies your vehicle’s throttling to make it even more responsive, with economy and sport modes for improved acceleration. It also has custom modes, allowing you to set your own options for how you would like your ngine to throttle.

Pros:

* Increases performance

* Allows better economy

* Completely plug and play

* 3 pre-programmed modes

Cons:

* Only 8 customizable modes

Product Links

Stage Two Modifications

This is where things start to get juicy, with the largest singular increase to your vehicle’s power, and that is a combo exhaust and exhaust header kit. But before tackling that, you’re going to want to add some tighter steering to handle all this extra power. That is where the front strut and rear sway bar come in, reducing the amount of flexing your car does, therefore reducing over steering. Afterwards, you can expect to gain about 18 horsepower from the exhaust modification.

Stage Two - $1,199.97

* Front Strut Bar - $69.99

* Sway Bar - $169.99

* Exhaust Kit - $959.99

Component Breakdown

MPX Front Strut Bar - $69.99

The front strut bar is really a no-brained. Dirt cheap, dead simple to install, and highly effective.

Pros:

* Tighter handling through reinforcing front end

* Easy installation

Cons:

* N/A

Progress Adjustable Sway Bar - $169.99

Getting a sway bar is another solid choice for improving handling. It’s a little pricier than the front, but still totally worth getting

Pros:

* Provides tighter handling reinforcing the rear chassis

* Very affordable

Cons:

* May be difficult to install

MPX Exhaust Header, With Dual Exhaust - $959.99

Why mod your exhaust? Simple: if taking in air is like eating for your car, then stock exhaust is like being constipated. Giving a roomier exhaust lets the air get out quicker, so it can take more in the front. Also, this is where your Dart is going to sound a lot better. Though, unless you know what you’re doing, and you’re prepared, I would recommend getting this done at a shop

Pros:

* Altogether gains approx. 18 HP

* Improves sound

* Header and exhaust kit designed for compatibility

Cons:

* Difficult installation

Product Links

Stage Three Modifications

Now that you’ve got a lot more power at your fingertips, you’re going to want a smoother ride by swapping out that stock suspension.

Stage Three - $649.99

* Coilover Suspension - $649.99

Component Breakdown

MEGAN Coilover Suspension Kit - $649.99

This is a good choice for an entry level set of coil overs. The ride is far smoother than what the vehicle originally comes with, and you even have the option to raise or lower it a few inches! Just be careful if you live on a hill of course! Also, the adjustable height comes in handy if you plan on adding any ground effect enhancing aero in the future. Just be warned, like the exhaust, this is a bit harder than just swapping air filters and crank pulleys.

Pros:

* Smoother ride

* Adjustable height

* Best budget suspension improvement

Cons:

* Installation may prove difficult

Product Links

Stage Four Modifications

This part is truly the icing on the cake. In all honesty, once you have taken care of the air intake, exhaust, and suspension; the world is your oyster, it’s time to make this car truly yours! Body kits are a great way to add personality, same with custom rims, and you might want to consider getting some sport brakes to go with all your goodies. But this is my personal pick for the best step to make your Dart look like a sports car. I’m talking about a custom hood with a ventilation scoop, directing air straight towards your cold air intake. Not only will your Dart look bad-fucking-ass, but you can pull another easy 5 ponies out of this.

Component Breakdown

Amerihood HC Style Ram Air Hood - $383.00

As I said before, this hood has a duct built into the scoop, which works together perfectly with a cold air intake that lacks snorkel compatibility, and this is the only non-Mopar hood you can order ready made with this feature. All the other available hoods blow the air over the engine, which defeats the purpose of cold air intake, and the official Mopar hood is the only one that has out of the box snorkel compatibility. So unless you want to blow well over a grand and a half on aspiration, this Amerihood Ram Air Hood is the choice for you! The only qualm I have is that you cannot have this shipped pre-painted, just coated in primer; but it’s the same with all the other hood swaps. You can save a good bit of money too by painting it yourself, but it can be professionally done. Another upside is that this hood functions with the stock latch, not requiring hood pins.

Pros:

* Directional air from sport hood should net up to 5 more HP

* Does not require hood pins

* Looks dope as hell

* Same weight as stock hood

* Budget option for Ram Air Intake hoods

* Easiest hood swap install

Cons:

* You have to paint it.

Product Links

Total Project Cost - $2,862.97

Other Modifications to Consider

* Wide Bore Throttle Body - Further increases Responsiveness, increases horsepower by 5-7

* Sport Brakes, Rotors, and Calipers - All previous mods mentioned including the throttle body will increase your Dodge Dart’s horsepower from 180 to 220. You’re going to want to consider some more stopping power.