#making gifsets is how i cope

[enidsinclair]

#growth

[basilone]

[pharawee]

"If I didn't determine the value, you'd be no different from garbage."

[not-so-mundane-after-all]

MARVEL'S Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. || s02e14 "Love in the Time of Hydra"

[devereaux]

SIMONE KESSELL as FAITH COOPER (part 2 of ? because i have no self-control) My Life Is Murder | 3.10 - Killer Fashion

[jinstronaut]

doing this cc wrapped has made me realize just how many of my sets are between 100 - 200 notes. like that's my average notes per set (re: jin a day specifically)

and that's wild all things considered lmao

[lonelier-version-of-you]

"I just feel so..." "Alone?" (S15E20 "Unravelled")

[bengiyo]

2024 Recap: ✨A Summary✨

Post your most popular and/or favourite edit/gifset/analysis for each month (it’s okay to skip months!)

@troubled-mind and @my-rose-tinted-glasses brought this back, and @lurkingshan mentioned me in hers.

January:

most popular - Last Twilight Ep 12 (Finale) Stray Thoughts

favorites - An Apology to Ossan’s Love and The Novelist, and Goblin is One of the Best Shows Ever Made

Seems I decided to cope with Last Twilight’s disappointment by capping off three big catchups. I am still so glad that I went back to Ossan’s Love and The Novelist to watch them properly. I still think these shows get a bad reputation, and I’m curious to see how the Thai version lands with audiences. I feel like I could also say so much more about Goblin, because I’ve also been considering a rewatch.

February:

most popular - Quick Post about How Great It Is to Be a J-BL Fan

favorites - My first interaction with @happypotato48, Love for Love’s Sake Finale, Drama Shower Explainer, My Post About How Much I Love Dynamite

What a fun month! I made a new friend, and found a new favorite show! I was so correct about how much Japanse QL we were getting and how much we’ve gotten in the past year. Though I was disappointed in the end of Drama Shower, I’m still glad that MBS is making BL…and whatever Red Blue is (I want to watch it so bad). My love for Dynamite has only grown since I wrote that post. I need to see so much more Aungpao this year.

March:

most popular - Love is Better the Second Time Around Ep 2 Stray Thoughts

favorites - Perfect Propose Finale, Cherry Magic TH Finale, Cherry Magic Anime Finale

It really was unexpected that we got two good adaptations of Cherry Magic in the same year, both of which would supplant the original adaptation for me. I think the Thai live action might be the best one for viewers, but damn is the anime still my favorite. Perfect Propose also may have been short, but that show has stuck with me. I still think about Kai giving Hiro the first good sleep he’s had in forever.

April:

most popular - Threatening people to tag Unknown spoilers

favorites - A “violence” ask about I used to shout out Tadaima, Okaeri.

This month looks relatively quiet for me, but holy shit was Tadaima, Okaeri unexpected. I was not expecting one of my favorite shows of the year to be an omegaverse husbands becoming dads show.

May:

most popular - Asking other BL fans how often we’d seen a 69 in BL

favorites - My Post About Why I Don’t Like We Are, My Wandee Goodday Check In

Man, I really hoped that Wandee Goodday would be good. I’m still flabbergasted by how badly that show lost me. Oyei and Cher were so important to me. Pour one out for the homies.

June:

most popular and favorite - Love Sea: Tongrak is Kind of an Asshole, and I Like It

other favorites - My Love Mix Up TH: The Adaptation Changes to the Class Play

Becoming a fan of MAME was not something I ever expected of myself, and yet here we are. I’ve now enjoyed three of her shows in a row, and supported another adaptation of her work. I also am so sad that MLMU wasn’t something I could enjoy. I was so amped after Cherry Magic TH and had real hope that this could also be fantastic.

July:

most popular - I Hear the Sunspot Ep 5 Stray Thoughts

You can tell I was traveling this month. I was quiet.

August:

most popular - Ben’s Big BL Blurb

favorites - Knock Knock, Boys! review, Office Romance Meditation on The Trainee and Other Shows

There were too many episodes to catch up on after traveling, so I dropped Stray Thoughts. It was probably for the best, because it took up a lot of time, and it made me grumpy to write about shows that were in a slog. I’ve enjoyed writing more focused pieces since.

September:

most popular - Horniest Sex Scenes Ask

favorites - The Trainee Reflection on Adulthood, Happy of the End Review, I Hear the Sunspot Wasted Taichi As a Character

The Trainee was so solid that I wrote about it two months in a row! Unfortunately it coincided with two J-BL losses that I had to mark.

October:

most popular and favorite - Let Free the Curse of Taekwondo: We Are So Fucking Back

other favorites - An Apology to The Miracle of Teddy Bear, Love in the Big City Part 1: It’s Gay, Peaceful Property: There’s Nothing Noble About Being Poor

What an incredible month for me! I finished one of the best shows we never got to see properly in 2022, we got a fantastic adaptation of one of the best books I read this year, and Hwang Da Seul came back with an absolute banger.

November:

most popular - Let Free the Curse of Taekwondo reaction

favorites - Love in the Big City Part 2: The Weight of Homophobia, Making a Clown of Myself at the Beginning of Your Sky, Ben’s Big BL Blurb 2: Fall is Finally Here, Blue Canvas of Youthful Days: BL is So Good When The Characterization Holds

I feel like I must have had a lot of time to write this month. I still stand by what I said about Blue Canvas at this point, even if the finale threw a lot of this away. I also highlighted my Your Sky post as an example of how exciting the beginning of a new show can be before it veers off and loses steam. 

December:

most popular - Ben’s Big BL Blurb 3: Blue Canvas of Youthful Days Blew It, But I Still Recommend It

favorites - Random QL Superlatives 2024, Our Youth: “Don’t Do It At School”

I really love the end of the year posts as a time to reflect on everything we watched. What really stood out for me this year was how much I just let go. I’m glad I’ve watched less, and have stuck with things that compelled me in some way. Hilariously, I think it’s actually lowered my overall average, but my general mood is up because I’m not forcing myself to slog through shows. 

You can go here to find your top 10 posts of each month.

[accol-fics]

Marvey Bang 2024

Title: I Give a Shit. About You. Specifically.

Author: @accol-fics and @lovethesnark (aka kho)

Artist: @lesbiandarvey

Genre/Trope: canon divergent, prison fic

Rating: E

Warnings: prison-typical violence (non-graphic)

Word count: 30,351

Summary:

When Mike takes the fall for the fraud they’ve both been committing, Harvey is made to suffer in silence from the sidelines while Mike is carted off to prison. Not only does Mike have to learn how to cope with the lonely life inside prison, but an old enemy of Harvey’s gets involved making things that much more dangerous. Mike isn’t dealing all that well to begin with but it only gets worse once Harvey shows up, dressed in prison blues. Only then, does the real mystery unfold…

Link to fic: fic at AO3

Link to art: gifset at Tumblr

[bird-inacage]

Love in the Air Locations | (Sky's Arc) as told through Sky's Bed

(PART 1) (PART 2) (PART 3)

This final gifset is where we really see a major change in Sky, most notably his healing towards happiness.

9 - Sky wants to be close to Prapai. Sky's feelings are becoming increasingly hard to ignore. Despite Prapai being the subject of his inner conflict, his knee-jerk reaction is still to find comfort in him. The way Sky gingerly crept beside him felt reminiscent of what a young child would do in a thunderstorm. This time Sky sleeps facing toward Prapai, which is his own small gesture of surrender. 'I do need you and I do appreciate you.' Another detail I enjoy is how Prapai treats Sky's dorm like a second home too. He slept in Sky's bed as if he also lives there which emphasises a sense of regularity. This is becoming a 'shared space' and not just 'Sky's space'.

10 - Sky and Prapai make love in his bed. Their first time together was on Prapai's 'turf' and was very much instigated by him. Their second time is in Sky's bed, and instigated by Sky. The reversal is really important as it demonstrates Prapai's priority to put Sky's comfort first (which includes progressing at a pace he agrees with, in a space he feels safe, responding as and when he feels ready). When the wind initially tried to 'force' its way in, Sky only held up more resistance. When you give someone breathing room, they will let down their walls by choice.

11 - Sky being open about himself. Sky willingly starts offering information about himself and his past to Prapai, probably for the first time in the entire series. Sky is happy, he's animated, he's keen and eager to finally share himself with the person he now loves. They've made a safe place that belongs to just the two of them. Somewhere Sky can be himself without any fear, worry or doubt.

12 - Sky calls Prapai when he feels scared. Sky's nightmares still persist. Prapai can't be physically by his side at all times, however Sky now has a direct line if he's ever afraid. Sky has learnt that it's okay to lean on someone, to be needy, to reach out to the person who will support you no matter what. Sky's candidness and honesty about being vulnerable is a huge sign of recovery. He doesn't have to shoulder and cope with things alone. He knows he can cry out for help, because he's aware Prapai will always respond.

13 - Sky and Prapai as a happy and healthy couple. The final scene that features these two in Sky's bed is incredibly sweet. By this point in the series, Sky has completely invited Prapai in and embraced him fully as Sky. The true Sky. Prapai makes him happy. Prapai makes him laugh. Prapai is his now and his future. There's hope.

[becauseplot]

90 Seconds to Midnight: An Ordem Paranormal AU Masterpost

Figured I should make one of these so I can keep track of my own posts lmao. Will be edited with new entries as they come but don't expect toooooo much content. Spoilers through OSNF finale and OPD 6. Asks are always open for the AU!

90 Seconds to Midnight is an AU where Thiago survives Santo Berço, but he doesn't quite escape the Symbol. After all, anything that is touched by Death cannot ever go back to the way it was. (Liz+Thiago-centric.)

FANFICS

Full fanfics that I (or others!) have written and posted in regards to this AU. All main links eventually lead to Ao3.

Still Feel (Original fic where I made up the basic premise of how Thiago survives Santo Berço. This was written BEFORE I decided to make the AU angsty lol. You can definitely read this as standalone and pretend the rest of the AU's storyline doesn't exist.)

almost midnight by rabbit-harpist (A fic written by a friend of mine who is also crazy about Liz and Thiago. Very good writing with amazing atmosphere! Explores Liz's side of their downward spiral as things start to slip.)

The Event Horizon (A fic written exploring a scene touched on Post 5 (see Tumblr Posts below). Many months after the burning of Santo Berço, as the Symbol is pulling apart what remains of his mind, Thiago follows Liz to the New Dawn Apartments in the hopes of saving her from herself.)

MORTE (One-off I wrote for Inktordem. Towards the end of the AU's storyline. One of my reblogs on the original tumblr post has extra meta info about it, but the explanation contains spoilers for OPD 19, so be warned!)

MY TUMBLR POSTS

Posts where I've written/rambled/drawn things that happen in the AU: setting, what the characters are going through, major plot points, etc. They're listed in the order I posted them and not necessarily in chronological order story-wise.

Post 1 (Self-indulgent rambles and Liz and Thiago's living situation. Secret-third-thing Liz+Thiago my beloved.)

Post 2 (First explanation of how Thiago's situation starts to take a turn for the worse.)

Post 3 (How Thiago initially tries to cope with the nightmares.)

Post 4 (Toying with ideas concerning Thiago and Liz's entwined decent.)

Post 5 (Ending of the AU's storyline.)

Post 6 (Epilogue!)

Post 7 (The entanglement of their love, their trauma, and paranormal influence.)

Post 8 (Liz's nightmares. Can't believe I haven't talked about Liz's nightmares yet.)

Post 9 (Some art about Thiago's sinking feeling of running out of time, inspired by the song All the Time in the World by Kiltro)

MY TAGGED POSTS

These are posts I've reblogged that I think fit with the "vibe" of the AU. Consider this list something like a deconstructed web weave.

Post A (Textpost)

Post B (Textpost)

Post C (Gifset) (God it's so pretty)

Post D (Song lyrics)

Post E (Textpost ft. my buddy calling me out)

OTHER STUFF

Some wonderful art made by the lovely @rabbit-harpist! Please go look at this it's amazing it's incredible I love it so so much.

HEY LOOK AT THAT I MADE A SPOTIFY PLAYLIST :D

[elizabethrobertajones]

Dean & Cas Are In Love

A hopefully one day conclusive study of these assholes, hopefully told as briefly as I can.

[it went fuckin canon? Rendered useless in my own job. Posting these gifsets from my drafts for @mittensmorgul​ who can make better use of them than me.]

-------

I clearly picked this out to highlight the conflict between the three of them, and how the dynamic with Benny present also serves to highlight a lot of the things we can’t see when it’s just Dean and Cas talking at each other so urgently they pretty much forget that Benny is there. 

Cas tries to convince Dean out of it again and Benny is hearing what Cas is putting down and understands that Cas has very different motives and intentions to what Dean has, and that their quest has hit a dead end here, and now they simply have to survive around this obstacle. So he tries to show Dean gently as he can that Cas is not moving on this and will keep finding reasons to nay say the plan for whatever reason. 

The choice of “are you hearing what he’s saying” as phrasing is well chosen to have Benny urging Dean to re-evaluate what he’s looking at when he sees Cas, which is important when up topside he’s then making up a different interpretation of what happened to Cas and tormenting himself with that. Showing that at this point Dean is NOT understanding and reading Cas well, caught up in his hero fantasy of rescuing them all and having a nice happy family reunion at the end of this. 

A good clean win. 

Benny is more realistic and also an outside eye, so he can clearly read that this is not in the cards, and try and poke Dean to seeing it.

Dean immediately hate-crimes Benny and makes it plain he’s not bending to this reality, but this is what Benny is going to have to deal with; I think Dean is reading it as hostility between Cas and Benny that neither wants to work with the other and would rather the other was not there. In truth I think they’re already kinda connecting better over what is the objective reality than what Dean’s living in, and if you look at it from their point of view, Dean’s being by far the least realistic one and living in a hopeful state which I think is crucial to survival for him but unfortunately not going to be very emotionally healthy in the long term.

You know, normal Dean Winchester coping mechanisms.

And that ends the tour of posts Lizbob had saved up from 5 years ago! Glad to get this out of my drafts, sorry I am not making gifs any more and haven’t watched Supernatural since I was trying to catch up before the finale then heard the news and immediately stopped trying to catch up :P Happy for you or sorry that happened I ain’t reading all that etc. 

[youcalledmebabe]

the gift fic I received for the heavy artillery exchange was shiftylieb (absolutely scrumptious and delightful and excellent) and then the first thing I saw on here was yna’s new shifty gifset. so the shifty in me has re-awakened. and I’m thinking about shiftylieb. both of the shiftylieb fics I’ve read were situated within the context of the show (and did that beautifully) but for me I think shiftylieb is so situated in the aftermath of the war. some disorganized shiftylieb thoughts under the cut

in points they both have two of the more complex scenes. joe, of course, has the mountain scene which in my mind has always been him choosing death/the cycle of violence (while web chooses life…a topic for another day) and therefore not moving forward. we find out at the end of the show that joe went back to San Francisco, which neatly elides both the fact that he went missing for a couple years after the war and that he never spoke to anybody again. the only other character (as far as I remember) to address wondering how they’ll cope after the war is shifty, in his scene with dick. shifty says he doesn’t know how he’ll explain all of this to his family, dick says he was a good soldier and that’s all that matters (incidentally this is a scene I would be interested to hear smarter people’s takes on because I find it fascinating and sort of damning of dick but also it was 1945 and it was dick winters, what else was he going to say?). and then shifty gets into the accident and doesn’t get a segment in the baseball ending.

anyway! so we have two men that we either know or can extrapolate had difficulty coping after the war. I haven’t read Shifty’s book (yet, it’s next on my list) so if he expands on his post war life and I’m reading this totally wrong sorry. but I can imagine joe turning up in virginia where shifty is living up in the mountains. neither of them is doing very well but shifty is coping marginally better. and they help each other through it. shifty and joe are both very caring so I think they’d both be like ok I’ll fix you. and that would be healing for both of them. but I don’t see them ending up together and it would be a bittersweet ending…

assorted vibes and things that I think would make it into the great American shiftylieb

- the fact that the Appalachian mountains are some of the oldest in existence

- green. when you look up Shifty’s town it’s so GREEN. thematically I think the fic would be focused on rebirth and life and new beginnings

- moonshine

- late night moments on the porch under the stars

- shifty sun motif?

- shifty trying to teach joe to shoot…classic excuse to put your arm around them trope

anyway gonna read Shifty’s war and then maybe I’ll stop talking about this and finally write it 💖

[stonesarehavingapartyundermyfoot]

I am still emotionally damage by watching Lighter and Princess. It’s really hard to move forward so I am looking throught the tag, trying to cope with my too many feelings. If gifset maker could be kind enough to make more gifs about them, I would be eternally grateful (I can only imagine how long it must take to make a gifset and how many hours you spent doing it and I clearly don’t have the skills for doing it myself).

A few ideas I may have in my head…

Them taking care of each other (giving her his ice cream, bringing him food, covering her/him with a blanket, trying to block the wind with her body so he doesn’t wake up)

Casual touch

Them being married without being married (him clutching her hand when he is in the hospital, her playing with his shirt, him being protective of her, her defending him)

Just them bickering

The scene where she is taking care of him after he went to the hospital and he can’t hide anything from her

Feeling free to add anything or to come talk to me, we are in this together.

[honey-tea-and-lemon-trees]

it’s just a tv show… but it isn’t.

it was something to look forward to during four of the most challenging years of my life.

it was stories on a screen of friendships, and families you find, and the goodness of the right people and the badness of others, and how to cope with it all.

it was also lust curses and body swaps and witty one liners that made us howl with laughter to make up for all the tears.

it’s the stories that we made on our own. on spec and meta posts, in dms and group chats, layers of lyrics and gifsets and graphics, in our ask boxes and on ao3. sometimes just in the privacy of our own heads and wip folders. what wonderful distractions, what beautiful art we’ve made together!

it’s the friends we’ve made along the way!! my own little drew crew, the people who comment on every fic or like my live-watch flailings. it wouldn’t have been half as special without you.

i wish it had had more time. it deserved more time.

but thank you, nancy drew. what gifts you gave me.

i’ll miss you.

[scoobydoodean]

Wanted to chat about some tangential things in my last reply of this post and the related reply from @deanwinchesterwebsite while sparing all of us the length of the whole post.

Slightly off the topic of money, but I like what you said about how Dean constantly offers or encourages Sam to grab at moments of normalcy (staying with Lori, Sarah, whichever woman is representing a normal life that episode) whereas Sam rejects that -- it can happen after the revenge plot when Sam goes back to his "normal" life. This is merely an interruption. But Dean knows there's always something else to hunt, and there is no "getting out". His whole life he's tried to build periods of normalcy, knowing it won't last. Does Sam also know deep down that there's no "after", since he experienced that childhood too, and he just doesn't want to accept that he likes hunting? Or does he still believe in that dream, as evidenced by him telling Dean to get out and live an apple pie life after he jumps in Swan Song?

Dean as Sam's Relationship Cheerleader™️ is something I've meant to dedicate a gifset to for some time. He is constantly trying to get Sam to connect with people. Lori, Sarah, Madison—even Meg. I do have this set along a related vein. I also have a tag for Sam not being carried along by the tides of the immutable sea, but I made that tag so long and complicated I can't actually get it to work anymore for some reason... I need to shorten it. My tag #sams motivations is meant to include a lot of posts giving context to Sam's choices (I have a considerable backlog of gifsets I need to make for this), and #sam the hunter for his relationship to hunting.

From my personal perspective, hunting and family are deeply connected for Sam. He tells us (Charlie) this the most plainly in 10.18:

SAM Yeah. I guess I really understand now that….this is my life. I love it. But I can’t do it without my brother. I don’t want to do it without my brother. And if he’s gone, then I don’t….

This little bit of dialogue imo explains a lot about what many would consider "wishy-washy" behavior from Sam over the first 2/3rds of the series. Hunting is a family first activity for Sam. If the family is dead, he will get revenge (season 1, 2, 4) or quit (season 8) if family is alive but attempting to live peacefully, he will seek out other family (the Campbells in season 6). Season 8 is the trickiest of all. I have a very long post about Sam's headspace in season 8 here.

Unpacking Sam's views on hunting is tough to do in some places in a way that answers everyone's "but what about...?" moments, because while the result is often the same (Sam is hunting), the motivation is often very different and quite varied.

Season 1

Hunting is revenge, then it's also a coping measure for Sam's grief, and then it begins to develop as a mission (1.20). At the same time, Sam absolutely sees it as a temporary reality of his life—a detour from his normal life (1.16).

However, there's also The John Wound™️ which begins healing up in 1.08 when Sam learns that John periodically checked up on Sam when he was in school to make sure he was safe. There's their hug in 1.16, and there's their conversation about the college fund in 1.20 where John explains himself and apologizes and Sam says he and John are the same. Sam has more sympathy for John Winchester than anyone else, and I think that's something that people often, somehow, miss. This renewed connection with John—still filled with flashes of anger as they butt heads—is this precious, fragile thing that slips through Sam's fingers like so many grains of sand before he really gets to feel they've "fixed" it because John dies.

Season 2

The seeds having been planted in 1.08, 1.16, and 1.20 (to some extent also in 1.02). After John's death, hunting is how Sam feels close to his family (especially John) and honors the memory of their parents. It's how he deals with the regret of all the things he and John didn't get to say and mend. He talks about hunting in John's memory instead of going back to school (2.02), and he insists on bringing John's dog tags to Lawrence so he can place them on Mary's grave (2.04).

In 2.20, he tells Dean he's glad they know each other and get along, when the context is Dean's djinn dream where they never spoke, and Sam got everything he wanted in the Pilot—Jess, the white picket fence, the law degree.

In 2.10, Sam refers to hunting as something that he can't escape—says California was him running, and implies hunting is something he doesn't want to escape anymore. He tells Dean he's just going to have to stick around being a hunter if he wants to support Sam, because Sam isn't going to run and he isn't going to stop.

Dean is balking at the hunting life and desperate for a break, and Sam says, "You're a hunter. I mean, it's what you were meant to do" (2.10). He reiterates—in 2.20 when Dean is spilling despair and grief out of every pore—that the job is worth it despite all of the pain because of the people they've saved. In the beginning of 2.13, he's jealous that Henriksen put out warrants for Dean but not for him after the fiasco at the bank.

It's worth noting though that Sam also has a more fatalistic perspective this season. At times he believes he should be killed before he turns "bad" (and pushes Dean to promise to take him out when he knows Dean won't). He isn't necessarily facing the idea of hunting for the rest of his life. He's facing the reality of turning evil quite imminently and then a young and bloody death (he wishes, at his brother's hand before he hurts anyone), and episodes like 2.11 Playthings and 2.18 Hollywood Babylon and 2.13 Houses of the Holy reveal he's also motivated to hunt as a distraction and to prove that he can subvert his demonic destiny.

Season 3

Demonic destiny subverted (they think—until Ruby tips Sam off about Lilith and the title The Boy King starts getting throw around) Sam focuses on Dean. Dean intends to burn bright for the whole year until his deal is up, and go down in a blaze of glory, and Sam spends the first 2/3rds of the season trying to get Dean to care and secretly working on plans to save his life and growing more and more bold and ruthless about it.

One episode after calling Ruby a "cold bitch" for telling him not to feel guilty about killing two human hosts (3.04), Sam shoots a crossroad's demon, killing the human host because he's furious that he's powerless to save Dean (3.05). When Dean dies in Mystery Spot, Sam turns into a hunting machine obsessed with vengeance against Gabriel. In 3.12 Jus In Bello, he considers human sacrifice. In 3.15, it's using an immortal's alchemy and turning himself and Dean into frankenstein's monsters. He summons Ruby behind Dean's back and against his dying wishes looking for a last play to save his brother's life. He wants his brother with him and he's growing more and more desperate and more and more willing to traverse dubious ground to get what he wants—what he needs.

Sam also talks about honing his skills as a hunter to become strong enough to face life (demons, Lilith) without Dean (3.09). He talks about becoming like Dean while Dean worries because Sam isn't acting like himself. Sam reveals a brutality in 3.07 Fresh Blood meant to recall Dean's brutal kill via chop saw in 2.03 Bloodlust. He no longer insists on sparing human's leveraging supernatural power to murder others (3.09).

He isn't looking for normal. He is looking for a way out.

Season 4+

I think you're right on the money on Sam seeing an "after" to hunting for a long time, or needing to see one and getting very self-destructive (and otherwise destructive) if he doesn't. Crucially though, the "after" Sam sees doesn't have to be a "Normal, Apple Pie" life. It just has to be different from the unsustainable pain they're in now. I think the Apple Pie Life is something Sam wants to secure for Dean in season 5 because of the conversation they have in 4.12 "Criss Angel Is A Douchebag"—the conversation that leads Sam straight back to drinking demon blood after quitting in 4.04:

DEAN Man...hope I die before I get old. Whole thing seems brutal, don't it? SAM You think we will? DEAN What? SAM Die before we get old. DEAN Haven't we both already? SAM You know what I mean, Dean. I mean, do you think we'll still be chasing demons when we're 60? DEAN No, I think we'll be dead...for good. What? You want to end up like -- Like Travis? Huh? Or Gordon, maybe? SAM There's Bobby. DEAN Oh, yeah, there's a poster child for growing old gracefully. SAM Maybe we'll be different, Dean.

Sam imagines him and Dean growing old, hunting together. Sam imagines them shifting into a role like Bobby's in their old age (something close to what Sam begins cultivating in the late seasons with the Men of Letters and the bunker and his AU hunters). It's a romanticization—a hopeful look ahead to a future where they aren't drowning in grief at all times even if the struggle never ends. They keep an eye on the world, but they aren't guiltily beholden to it. But then Dean says:

DEAN What kind of Kool-Aid you drinking, man? Sammy, it ends bloody or sad. That's just the life.

Sam hates this. He hates that Dean says this, and he wants to fix it. He wants to change Dean's future—secure his future—both of their futures. He doesn't want to be fighting like they're fighting now when he's old, and he doesn't want to die young. He also doesn't want that for Dean, and he learns Dean (at that time at least) doesn't want to be like Bobby or Rufus when he's old. So he needs to save the world so Dean will grow old. He needs to cut off the head of the snake (kill Lilith) even if Dean doesn't like how he does it:

SAM What if we could win? DEAN "Win"? SAM If there was a way we could just...put an end to all of it. DEAN Is there something going on you're not telling me? SAM No. DEAN Sammy. SAM No. Look, I'm just saying...I just wish there was a way we could...go after the source. That's all. Cut the head off the snake. DEAN Well, the problem with the snake is that it has a thousand heads. Evil bitches just keep piling out of the Volkswagen. SAM Yeah. Guess you're right. <- (Sam, thinking about a call he needs to make to Ruby immediately)

In 4.15, Sam says he and Dean are special—outside the natural order. They have a special place in the world and special duties.

There's 4.17 "It's A Terrible Life" where Sam is thrust into "Supernormal" along with Dean, and very quickly smashes his phone... and at the end, asks Dean become monster hunters with him. There's 5.12 "Swap Meat" where Sam turns his nose up at the teenager who has the exact life Sam used to envy.

SAM I totally lied. That kid's life sucked ass. All that apple-pie, family crap? It's stressful. Trust me – we didn't miss a damn thing. DEAN Or we don't know what we're missing.

That disagreement—that little bit we see where Sam has rejected normal but he knows Dean wants it—Dean wants it so so badly but he doesn't believe he can have it—that's the basis for Sam's demand that Dean go and he live a normal, apple pie life.

In 4.19, after the brothers meet and bond with "Adam". Sam immediately wants to train him up as a hunter. Dean balks—thinking Adam has a chance to escape the life—that he hasn't been dragged in yet and doomed. "He could be a doctor"—he could be someone normal. Sam says all he sees is someone vulnerable, ready to become monster chow. He says John did right by them by teaching them to protect themselves. When Dean talks about Adam's hopeful "normal" future, Sam says, "What makes him so special?"

Dean asks if Sam's jealous—but I don't think that's exactly it. What it is is that Adam is not the only person who gets to be happy. Sam thinks, "We can be happy too! We're cursed, but we aren't doomed!" They won't fix their lives by running from hunting or never being involved in it to begin with, but they aren't doomed. They'll escape everything through hunting—by killing Lilith and destroying hell's plans.

Adam is a Winchester and therefore already cursed. But Sam thinks... the curse of hunting is better. The curse makes you special. The curse is something Sam hates... but he also loves it, and he was never going to be normal. Normal was always the foolish pipe dream of a boy running and hiding. He was never going to be normal. But it still isn't a tragedy, because Sam won't let it be one. Sam will take everything that's happened to them—to him—and make something good out of it (4.04). He will be powerful, and he will build a life out of rubble everyone else (Dean) looked at and said the house was totaled and they're toast. If Dean doesn't want to grow old together taking up Bobby's mantle... well—Sam will prove to him that he can still get out—that Sam can get him out—by crushing Lilith. Then in season 8 by closing the gates of Hell (long post that connects season 8 in here).

Sam gets Dean out at the end of season 5, and even soulless, Sam seeks out family, and he goes to hunting, while leaving Dean in the Apple Pie life Sam secured for him. Temporarily, Sam wins. He proves that Dean can get out and be happy. They repeat similar patterns in season 8 (8.14 and Sam promising to take Dean to the light at the end of the tunnel—again by stopping demons) and once again, Sam tries to prove Dean can be happy—both of them can—only this time, he fails. He begins cultivating the Bobby life for them in season 12 onward, and he thinks it's starting to work... except when it isn't—except when Dean still doesn't believe he can be saved—that he can be happy. Dean attempts suicide after losing Mary and Cas and Crowley. Dean doesn't believe they can beat Michael and he tries to drop himself in the ocean in a coffin and Sam's eyes burn with tears as he punches Dean and demands he believe Sam can save him.

All of this is also why Sam's ending is a tragedy. Sam's ending is a mourning pyre to a dead brother. It is Sam sitting with his greatest failure. It is himself, shoe-horned into the life he thought he could secure for Dean but failed to secure. It is the life Sam no longer wanted, but the only way he knows how to live if Dean is dead. He can't do it without his brother. He periodically goes out to sit in the car and mourn, closing his eyes and thinking of times gone by when Dean was here and Sam was happy—because Sam was a freak... but he wasn't alone. Dean was right there with him all the way.