#making a phone call is and will always be exceedingly painful and awkward

[msviolacea]

Inspired by like three different things in various places today, but ... listen, my fellow neurodivergent and otherwise misanthropic friends, I need you to understand that sometimes to make sure something gets done, as long as you are physically able to do so, you are going to need to have a conversation. Usually verbally. You are going to need to go to a place you don't necessarily want to go, or pick up a phone and dial a number, and speak out loud. and then you will have to listen to the person you're talking to, and respond to their concerns. and maybe you'll even have to sit through discussion of things that you're not interested in before you can get Your Thing done.

And sometimes you'll have to do this multiple times before you see progress.

No, you cannot just write a thing on a public website and get it done. You cannot just submit one piece of anonymous feedback. You cannot stay safe and protected from the discomfort of human conversation forever and expect to influence anything at all.

[olivinesea]

In the Golden Dark, pt. 2

Part 1

a/n: This was already pretty much done so here you go. These parts are all rather short but that can be nice right? ~1.6k

i can’t concentrate if i keep seeing your face showing up in tea leaves lit up on my tv i can’t stand up straight under your gravity so i lay awake with my eyes closed

“Did you know 12% of people dream in black and white?”

“Wha-what?” Hotch groggily looked at the time on his phone. He had answered it blindly, autopilot kicking in to attend to the buzzing beside him on the couch. He blinked again and brought the phone back to his ear to hear Spencer’s voice more clearly.

“Yeah! It used to be a lot more when television was only in black and white but now that’s shifted obviously. Elderly people are still a lot more likely to have dreams that are—“

“Spencer,” Hotch interrupted the way the words were beginning to tumble out. When he was met with an abrupt silence he realized he didn’t have a follow up, he just needed a moment to breathe. To take in the dark living room, the flickering light of the television, its muted colors and grainy film showing a syndicated rerun, the kind only played in the middle of the night or the middle of the day, times when no productive person was meant to be watching. Something soft in its age, he found it comforting to put it on when he couldn’t sleep, woken again by nightmares that some monster had found their way to Haley and Jack. That they were suffering and he didn’t even know.

On the other end of the line, Spencer held his breath. He had been nervous about making the call, he wasn’t sure if it was too intrusive, too far across the boundaries they normally worked within. It wasn’t that he was worried about waking Hotch, he knew the other man was already awake. Even before they had started talking more, casually sharing details about the time they spent away from the office, it was obvious that Hotch did not sleep like a normal person. It was something else that they shared.

Seemingly endless minutes passed without another word from either man and his fear that he’d made a mistake grew. He told himself that Hotch was not pleased with the interruption. That he was being too assuming—why would Hotch be interested in anything he had to say at three in the morning? He’d called spurred on by the acute need to share a thought and, though he wasn’t totally conscious of it, a wish to hear that comforting voice, maybe even a quiet chuckle. He had smiled imagining that gentle sound, only he hadn’t realized it, the corners of his mouth moving without informing the rest of his mind. He touched his lips now with cold fingertips, running them over the dry skin, oblivious to the way his jaw clenched.

The silence between them hung like a bridge. There was a moment where both of them looked out at their respective living rooms, mentally steeling themselves to take a step and hope the other would meet them. Hope that they wouldn’t find themselves suspended over the water, alone as ever.

“I’m sorry for calling so late,” Spencer sounded so remorseful Hotch felt guilty immediately. He hadn’t meant cause him any anxiety with his long silence, he was just trying his best to gather his thoughts. To make sense of what he meant to do.

“It’s ok, really, I—“ Hotch hesitated, unsure how much detail to go into, how much reassurance was the right amount. He felt unreasonably awkward suddenly and twitched his fingers in irritation, “I wasn’t really sleeping anyway.”

“Really?” Spencer scrunched his eyes up, disliking the eagerness bleeding from his voice. He couldn’t help it though, the prospect of having the other man’s attention, even if it was only his voice reflecting from a satellite, knowing that Hotch was listening made him feel more secure. He’d spent too many restless nights pacing his apartment, starting and abandoning tasks in attempts to distract himself from the way the night was pressing uncomfortably close, threatening to overtake his mind. To have a friend to talk to, to reflect back his own reality, was a gift he could barely believe he deserved.

Hotch grunted as he adjusted himself on the couch cushions, supporting the back of his head on the pillows, resting the phone between his shoulder and ear. With his free hand he pulled up the blanket that had tangled at his feet. “Wide awake,” he said dryly. “What were you saying about dreams?”

Spencer’s smile was so big Hotch could hear it through the phone as the man stumbled ahead with the details of some completely unnecessary study. Hotch wanted to ask what had led to him reading such a thing but he was enjoying the happy way Spencer was running through all the new material he’d learned. He adored listening to Spencer speak, how he sometimes stopped short when remembering a related detail and how there’d be a pause while he took a split second to make the choice whether to jump to the new train of thought. Hotch smiled to himself and was pleased enough to offer hums of interest at inflection points. He let his eyes wander back to the television, as the title credits of another episode of Bonanza played across the screen, the pale wheat and horses and cowboys, already a distant fantasy in the 1960s, ancient history by today’s standards. His eyes fell half closed as he continued to listen to Reid’s voice.

“And, they just published a new study about how sleep deprivation decreases the body’s pain tolerance.”

Hotch snorted softly at this. “They really had to get a bunch of scientists together to figure that out? Someone paid for that?”

“Well it is always important to gather data and scientific evidence for these types of things. Anecdotal testimony won’t lead to any developments in the care for conditions like chronic pain,” Reid paused when he heard more quiet laughter from Aaron. He grinned.

“Do you want to hear something really crazy? They’ve found a connection between a person’s favorite sleeping position and their personality. Can you imagine!”

“Hmmph,” Hotch sank deeper into the cushions, settling in for whatever came next.

*

The calls became as regular as the midnight pancakes. Spencer would call with some piece of trivia, every night a new topic. He had a seemingly endless well of knowledge to draw on. In truth he spent the day trying to think of new ideas to share, new information he thought Hotch would appreciate. For no reason other than his own private satisfaction, he grouped topics thematically. This week they were going to be talking about space.

Now Hotch was ready, drowsy but checking his phone every few minutes to see if he’d somehow missed it ringing. He was looking at it yet again when it buzzed. He stared at the screen for a moment before answering, letting the name that flashed send a small thrill up his spine. He was not sure how it’d happened but he had come to rely on these calls. They still hadn’t discussed it, hadn’t acknowledged what this extracurricular time spent together might mean. They were simply seeking comfort, not questioning how this might be perceived outside these invisible moments.

“Hey Spence,” he barely got the words out before Spencer launched into that night’s prepared curiosities.

“Did you know most of the visible stars are actually multiple star systems? The singular stars are so much harder to see that astronomers used to believe that it was fairly uncommon to find a singular star like our sun.They hypothesized this was a contributing factor to why we hadn’t found evidence of extraterrestrial life. It is much harder for a planet to have the stability necessary for a habitable atmosphere with the potential fluctuations of a binary star system. Without as many single stars it made sense that it was exceedingly unlikely for life to form outside of our solar system.”

“I think it’d be nice,” Hotch murmured, not really thinking about what he was saying.

“What’s that?”

“Oh, ah,” Hotch stammered, a little embarrassed to have the comment acknowledged. He felt his neck growing warm as he tried to make out a reply. “Well, having two suns. I think it could be nice."
 “Why?” Spencer was genuinely curious.

“Um, I guess, I imagine it would be warmer for one,” he paused before adding on, waiting to see what Spencer’s reaction might be. He could almost hear the wheels of his mind turning with all the reasons Hotch’s logic was faulty. He hurried on before he became too self-conscious to finish his thought. “And, I’ve just never really liked the night, all the darkness. Maybe with two suns we could have a little more light in the world.”

Instead of responding, Spencer remained quiet, surprised by this uncharacteristically whimsical thought. Hotch could feel his whole neck had turned red, along with the warming tips of his ears.

“I—I don’t really like the night either,” he tried to sympathize. “It can feel…overwhelming.”

They sat for a moment, not sure where to take this or how the facts had turned into feelings.

“I’m happy I have you to talk to though.”

It was simple, but it was true and sweet and Hotch smiled, closing his eyes to better absorb the words.

“I’m happy too, Spencer.”

Now they were both blushing, the depth of meaning behind these brief statements readily apparent. For a moment, feeling the heat dancing across his face, Hotch wondered if this wasn’t a mistake. Maybe he was allowing things to become something irresponsible, something he couldn’t so easily walk back. He pictured Spencer, sitting across from him, animated and full of life, pulling further away from the shadows that teased around the edges. It didn’t matter, he decided. It didn’t matter what this was, only that they had found a hand to hold through the night.

“So, what else have you got for me?”

~Part 3~

[baepop]

PRIVATE // 9

You tell Jennie and Jungkook how you feel.

Word Count: 10.4k

Pairing: Jungkook x You x Jennie

Genre: Fluff, Angst, Smutty smut smut

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12

“…I’m—excuse me, what?”

Jungkook sighed and squeezed his eyes shut. “Please don’t make me ask again.” You held back a giggle as you watched what looked to be Jungkook in actual physical pain at the thought of hanging out with Jennie. Rolling your eyes nonetheless, you took his hand and led him inside. The smell of sautéed onions and garlic greeted you at the entrance, immediately drawing your attention to the kitchen. Jennie’s back was turned to you, her slight hand struggling to manhandle a cast iron skillet.

“Back already? I was so sure I wouldn’t be seeing you tonight.” Jennie spoke aloud without turning around, probably assuming you were alone.

“Oh yeah? So I suppose you’re cooking for one then?” From your viewing angle, you could see Jennie smiling widely as she prepared what looked to be a feast.

“Ya caught me. Hungry?”

“Yeah, I could eat. We just worked up an appetite.” Jungkook draped his arms over your shoulders from behind and planted a kiss on your temple.

Jennie froze at the sound of his voice. It most definitely caught her off guard as she began dicing peppers. After a moment, she recommenced her dicing, replying curtly, “Fine. There should be enough for all of us.”

This time it was yours and Jungkook’s turn to freeze. Both of you had been expecting a snarkier response, protestation at the very least. You both looked at each other in genuine fear then back at the girl who was cutting vegetables a little too roughly.

“Umm…okay, well…I’m going to jump in the shower real quick and then I’ll be over to help you cook, okay?” Jennie simply hummed as you made your way to the bathroom. Jungkook followed you closely behind, unwilling to be left alone with his sworn enemy. You giggled, smoothing the weary lines on his forehead as he stared at you in disappointment. “Don’t worry, I’ll be quick!” You laughed as he sagged against the doorway, not happy that his theatrics hadn’t deterred you in the slightest. “I promise. Just don’t kill each other, okay? Now let me close the door.” Jungkook’s lip jutted out so adorably that you couldn’t help but lean in and kiss it. That was a mistake, however, because his hands quickly snaked around your waist and held you tightly to him, his lips kissing you back hungry. Jungkook was clearly ready for round two, but you had to be the voice of reason, no matter how delicious his lips felt on yours.

You patted his chest with your hands, signaling the end of your mini make out session. He detached himself from you with a groan then stepped back so you could close the door and turn on the shower faucet. Jungkook sighed at the sound of the water running from the other side of the door. He peaked his head around to see if Jennie was still busy chopping up vegetables. She was.

Jungkook paced around a bit, wondering if it would be weird for him to sit on your bed and wait for you to come out. He sighed again, deciding to just toughen up and face his ex-fiancée.

Jungkook dragged his feet into the kitchen and stood awkwardly in the middle. Jennie ignored his presence as she lowered a heavy pot full of water onto the burner. He cleared his throat, but the girl pretended not to know he was even there.

“Do you need help, or, whatever?” His voice was low and oozed with discomfort.

“Nope.” Jennie didn’t offer anything more, and it was clear she wasn’t going to make this easy for Jungkook in the slightest. The boy looked around, ultimately deciding to pull up a chair and watch her cook. He hadn’t, after all, spoken to her since she broke off their engagement.

“So…you live here now?”

“Mhm.”

Jungkook nodded thoughtfully, looking around at the apartment that was now obviously more occupied by extra bags, clothing and furniture. “Parents kicked you out for being a brat?”

Jennie rolled her eyes and slammed the knife down onto the cutting board. “You know we’re not obligated to speak to each other. I’m sure Y/N will be out any minute now.”

“No, I’m sorry…I’m just so used to going at it with you. It won’t happen again.” Jungkook hurried to get the words out in an attempt to calm the girl down who was already on edge at the first sign of his presence.

Jennie sighed and picked up the knife again, resuming her task at hand. “Oh, I see. You’re trying to play nice with me so Y/N doesn’t dump you for good. Is that it?”

Jungkook’s face hardened, his hands drumming on his knees. He was starting to find it exceedingly impossible, the thought of ever being nice to Jennie. “You know what? You were right. We don’t have to talk to each other.”

After a minute of Jennie’s rhythmic chopping being the only sounds filling the apartment apart from the shower running, she spoke in a soft yet melancholic tone that took Jungkook by surprise, “She wouldn’t, if that’s really what you’re afraid of. She,” Jennie sighed and closed her eyes before continuing, “she’s so in love with you…So you don’t have to feel the need to come in here and piss all over the place”

Jungkook blushed, unable to keep the big goofy smile off of his face. Although she was being as rude as always, he couldn’t help but feel giddy, not only at her ending comment, but at the fact that if Jennie of all people could admit you were head over heels for him, then maybe he really didn’t have anything to worry about after all.

“I just…” Jungkook struggled to find the right words to convey how he felt. After all of the grief you both went through, he didn’t want to be the cause of any more, even if that meant playing nice with someone he deeply disliked just to see you at ease. He just wasn’t sure how that was going to work with Jennie in the equation.

“Look, you don’t have to worry about me. I’m moving on.”

Jungkook’s eyes widened as he sank back into his chair. Jennie peaked at him from behind her shoulder then put her focus back on cooking with a wide grin. “You don’t have to look so relieved. Even if I decided not to, it’s not like we haven’t shared a bed before.” She chuckled darkly as Jungkook shifted uncomfortably where he sat.

“I thought we said we were never mentioning that again.”

“Mentioning what again?” You toweled your wet hair as you sat down on Jungkook’s lap, looking at him and waiting for a reply. His mouth struggled to form words, something Jennie found extremely funny.

“Uhh, um.” If Jungkook wasn’t sweating before while talking to Jennie, he definitely was now. “The engagement. It’s just awkward to talk about, so…” You wrinkled your nose and nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t mind if we put that topic on the shelf… How are your parents dealing with the wedding being called off though? They must be pissed.”

“Not sure, actually. I’ve been avoiding the subject, and their phone calls for that matter. No doubt they’re pissed though.”

You snorted, turning to Jennie, “I don’t doubt it. Jennie’s pretty good at pissing parents off.” Jennie mimicked your snort and rolled her eyes, sliding noodles into the now boiling pot.

“It’s like a superpower or something.”

You all ate dinner together in a semi-awkward, semi-comfortable atmosphere, though you could only speak for yourself regarding the situation. You knew they were both making an effort to make you more comfortable by being civil, and you were grateful for that, but you couldn’t imagine how they felt having to pretend this was normal.

The conversation never lulled, however, all of you talking animatedly, though Jungkook and Jennie never directly spoke to each other.

After dinner, you and Jennie resumed your usual routine of picking a movie to watch and Jungkook settled comfortably beside you, willing to watch whatever you two wanted so long as he could keep his spot on the couch next to you. Though, you could tell he wasn’t much interested in what you chose to watch, seeing as how cutely playing with your fingers the whole time was much more fascinating for him.

The three of you ended up dozing off on the sofa, Jungkook’s head resting on your lap and your head resting on Jennie’s shoulder.

That was only the first of many naps taken on the couch, dinner and a movie becoming a ritual for the three of you. Dates spent out and about with Jungkook whenever both of you were free to do so slowly morphed into more domestic hangouts that almost always included your best friend.

At first, it was evident the whole ordeal was uncomfortable for them, and although you assured them you were okay keeping them separate, they insisted everything was fine, more than fine even, though you weren’t sure if they were trying to convince you or themselves. Nonetheless, you let the chips fall where they may and took each day one at a time.

Weeks went by in perfect harmony, though you could tell things were changing beneath the surface. Although Jennie had affirmed she was no longer in the business of winning your affections, you just never knew what to believe when it came to her. And it seemed, because of that, that she was more determined than ever to show you that you could take her word for it.

Each morning you awoke, Jennie was already out of bed, either secluded on the couch or out running errands. You almost started to miss the way she’d cling onto you whenever you had to get out of bed. You definitely missed the dreamy look on her face whenever you talked about things you liked. Now, she would simply nod along politely and respond accordingly, but you knew her heart was no longer in those conversations. She seemed much more guarded these days, and although there were no talks of going your separate ways, you knew this was her way of putting distance between you two so that she could move on properly. She couldn’t put up any physical walls in between you two, so she put up emotional ones. You knew it was what she needed, so you pretended things between you two weren’t different, but the fact of the matter was that they were, and you hated how much it bothered you. You refused to think about why that was, but deep down you knew it was because the thought of her not caring about you anymore terrified you. No matter how difficult you made it for her to get close to you in the beginning, she still persevered and loved you so much you couldn’t look away. It had been the most anyone had ever cared about you, ever.

Jennie was the only person, until then, to constantly look after you and care about everything you had to say, no matter how minute the detail. Although you felt like you couldn’t return her affections properly, and it would be better for her to be in love with someone else, it was still hard for you to accept that you might be losing someone important to you. It felt as if you were slowly losing a part of yourself, and each time you opened your eyes in the morning to find the bed empty, the tiny fear inside of you grew and grew.

Not all semblance of affection was gone, however. On the mornings that you had to open the shop and therefore had to climb out of bed before her, she’d readily wake up to get breakfast started while you showered, and that was something you came to cherish dearly. Although you’d never admit that her cooking was terrible, you still showered giddily at the thought of not having to do something for yourself for once. You aso ate whatever she put in front of you with gusto no matter what, because it seemed to encourage her to do more things she had never had the need for before.

On this particular morning, however, she decided to try her hand at making the coffee instead of leaving that particular task to you as always before. She had looked up a tutorial on how to make coffee while you were bathing, and as you stared at the lumpy grounds at the bottom of your cup very visible through brown liquid that was way too clear, you smiled fondly at your best friend who waited with expectant eyes for your first sip.

You placed your lips on the rim of the cup and gingerly took a taste while maintaining eye contact. You licked the grinds off of your teeth, “Mmm! Thanks Jen!” You shivered and place the cup back on the counter, “I really gotta go though or I’m gonna be late. I’ll see you later!” You rubbed the top of her head in the way she always hated but it only seemed to bring a smile to her sleepy face.

“Okay,” she called out to you as you put your shoes on by the door, “Don’t forget! We have that big bottle of grey goose with our names on it. We’re drinking tonight!”

You made a sound of disgust as you opened the front door, “I prefer dark liquor, but I suppose a screwdriver once in a while isn’t the end of the world.”

“That’s my girl.” Jennie smiled and waved you goodbye, resuming her morning routine while you set off towards the campus coffee shop to get your fix.

The rest of the day went by as normal with you operating on auto pilot as your thoughts drifted towards what Jungkook might be doing at the office. You chuckled to yourself while organizing suiting according to size and brand, picturing Jungkook staring at spreadsheets dumbfounded. Then you slightly gasped under your breath at the thought of what his thighs might look like in that suit you picked out for him while sitting at his desk all pensive. You shook your head, dissipating all thirst thoughts and instead shifting your focus towards Jennie at home and what she might be struggling with at the moment. You pictured her intensely reading the labels of your cleaning products and smiled widely, then shivered when thinking about what other internet ideas she might want to try out on you.

Eventually, your thoughts drifted away from the people who captivated your interest towards the inevitable worries for your future and what lied ahead now that school was over. As you spaced out while checking the sales for the day on the cash register, the familiar chime of the bell signaled another customer.

“Sorry, we’re already closed,” You began speaking absentmindedly while focused on the screen, “but I can make you an appointment for a fitting if you’d like—” You barely finished your sentence before looking up and realizing who you were speaking to.

You both stared at each other, you waiting for them to speak and them looking at you with that same bored expression. Some things never change.

“What are you doing here?” You closed the register and crossed your arms, drumming your fingers on your forearms.

“Is that how you speak to customers? No wonder this place is empty.”

You rolled your eyes and sighed, “I know you’re not here to buy anything.”

“Observant.” Jisoo smiled and placed her hand bag on the counter, surveying the room with a judgey sweep of her eyes before settling them on you. “I’m here to talk.”

“About? Surely there’s nothing left to say after you embarrassed me at the proposal dinner.”

The dainty brunette smiled, her eyes shining with humor, “Oh no, trust me, you didn’t need any help embarrassing yourself, that was all you,” she tucked some hair behind her ear and crossed her arms too, “I want to talk to you about Jungkook.”

Your expression became guarded but softened a bit, “Why? Is he okay?”

“Relax Cinderella, he’s fine. Well…for now, that is.”

“I don’t understand.” Your heartbeat quickened as a bad feeling settled at the pit of your stomach. You just knew you wouldn’t like the next words that were about to leave her mouth.

“Break up with Jungkook.” And there it was. Jisoo deadpanned, and although there wasn’t a single trace of humor in her tone or demeanor, you couldn’t help but cackle, making the girl’s eyebrow twitch at your audacity.

“Not a chance.” You busied yourself with the rest of the closing procedures, making sure she knew you didn’t care whether she stayed or went.

Jisoo sighed, “I’m serious, Y/N. You need to end things with him, whatever it is that you two have at this point.” You bristled at her backhanded statement. “Don’t you think you’ve already caused enough strain between him and his parents?”

“Jungkook is a grown man, he doesn’t need you to speak for him and he’s free to make his own decisions. Besides, it’s not like I’m the one that broke off the engagement, Jennie did of her own accord.”

“That’s not exactly true though, is it? We all know if you weren’t in the picture they would probably be married by now. Either way, you’re responsible for what’s happening with their families.” The longer Jisoo talked, the angrier you became. This was evident to the girl, so she decided to soften her tone and switch tactics. “We also know how much of a hopeless romantic Jungkook is. He’ll never let you go, no matter what. So you have to be the one to cut him loose or else he’ll never move on. And I mean really cut things off Y/N, or else he’ll never give up hope.”

You sighed and turned to her for the first time, “Jisoo, why are you here?”

“I told you—”

“No. Why are you here, telling me these things, getting involved in a relationship that has nothing to do with you?”

“Because if I don’t, no one else will, and someone has to be on Jungkook’s side.”

“What makes you think I’m not on his side?”

Jisoo shot you a look before picking her purse back up and draping it over her shoulder, “What makes you think you’ve done anything to prove you have his best interest at heart?” Your eyes widened and your cheeks flushed with indignance. “Look, I know you like him. And I know he is absolutely in love with you, for whatever reason that might be. But at the end of the day, family is more important than anything. Can you honestly justify him being on bad terms with his parents over an undefined relationship?” Jisoo watched your eyebrows furrow and your breath quicken, “Yeah, he talks to me about you two, big surprise.”

She made her way towards the entrance and paused to turn the “now open” sign around. “Then again, I don’t suppose you’d understand the notion of family loyalty.” Your eyes watered at her callous words. You were so tired of people thinking you incapable of such concepts simply because you grew up in the foster care system. “Just be the bigger person and make the choice he can’t seem to make. You know it’s only right.” And with that, she exited the shop and left you to mind the rest of your responsibilities.

You felt better the moment she left, but you were still on edge. As much as you tried to put the conversation out of your mind, you just couldn’t. You wanted to kill her for knowing such personal things about you and using them against you. As much as you tried to reason that she was Jungkook’s cousin, you were still livid about him sharing such intimate details about you and your relationship with someone as nasty as her. You huffed all the way home, refusing to invite Jungkook over for drinks like you said you would, as a sign of protest, though he’d never actually know that.

Should you breakup with Jungkook? You’d tried it before, but that only got him to tell you he loved you which only led to more sex. It was futile. And it didn’t help that your feelings for him were only growing since you met him, despite the massive hiccup with the engagement. But could there be some truth to Jisoo’s words? Were you ultimately thinking only of yourself by leaving Jungkook to handle the fallout of the breakup alone? When did relationships stop being fun and airy and turn into the equivalent of pulling teeth?

By the time you got home, your shoulders were slumped, and your expression was crest fallen. Jennie opened the door before you were done turning the key in the lock and instantly pouted, your bummed-out demeanor was already ruining her good mood.

“Bad day at work?” She pulled you in by the wrist and helped you take off your blazer.

“Not exactly. I just…had a rude customer.”

“Well, fuck ‘em. They don’t matter anymore. But you know what does matter?” Jennie twirled around the living room until she got to the bottle of alcohol sitting at the coffee table. You giggled as she picked it up and held it above her head like it was baby Simba. Your mood instantly lifted and your expression became sunnier. You tossed your belongings on the floor, took your shoes off and joined your best friend on the floor by the television as she carefully balanced the amount of vodka and orange juice she poured into your mickey mouse cup while jutting her tongue out with a furrowed brow.

You smiled as you took your cup from her hand, already able to smell the alcohol in it though it was inches from your nostrils. “So, how was your day? What’d you do?” You took a sip and grimaced as the fluid burned all the way down your esophagus to the pit of your stomach where it dissipated into a cloud of warmth that bloomed from the inside out.

Jennie also took a sip of her drink then squeezed her eyes shut with a squeal as her top knot drooped over her forehead. You chuckled, rolling your eyes at her inability to handle strong drinks but finding it endearing, nonetheless.

“It was great, actually! I got some cleaning done and then I went downtown to meet with an old friend who’s done some print shoots for Vogue. He said I could come down sometime and watch him work!” She continued gushing for some time and you couldn’t help but think back to the time you two first had a drink together and talked at her apartment. It was very reminiscent, except you clearly remembered having wine instead, and she also seemed much sadder back then. There was a fire behind Jennie’s words now that you couldn’t put your finger on, but it was nice to see your friend so alive and passionate for the first time.

As you downed the rest of your cup, you couldn’t help but wonder how easy your relationship with her might’ve turned out if you had decided to hit on Jennie at Yoongi’s party instead of befriending her. It’s not like it didn’t cross your mind. She was a pretty girl that shared your taste in music, what more did you need? As you stared at the bottom of your cup, you tried to think about why you friend zoned Jennie right away. Perhaps it was your experience dealing with straight girls going through a phase, perhaps you were just feeling a little antisocial that night, but either way, you couldn’t go back and change things. Maybe this was how it was always meant to be. The thought both comforted you and bothered you.

Jennie stopped talking long enough to pour you another drink, and though she made it exactly as she did the last one, you hardly tasted the alcohol, that’s how you knew you were already getting drunk.

You both decided that trash reality television would be the choice of entertainment for the night, and as she searched for the remote to turn up the volume, you put your phone on vibrate as several texts from Jungkook came through all at once.

Jennie turned the lights off and then came to sit by you. “So, where’s fuck boy? I thought you said you were inviting him.”

“Not anymore.” You answered curtly which had the girl’s eyebrows shooting up. Nonetheless, she didn’t press further as she sensed your tension on the matter. You felt petty as you sat there in the dark, ignoring your flashing phone screen. You knew he hadn’t sent his cousin to your job to aggravate you, but the whole thing upset you anyhow and you just wanted the freedom of one night to express your annoyance no matter how one sided it was.

After a while, however, Jennie rested her head on your shoulder and spoke barely above the television, “You wanna talk about it?”

You sighed, putting your second empty cup down and blinking the blur out of your eyes. Your fingers were tingling and a warm buzz spread throughout your body. “No, not really. Let’s keep talking about you though. I want to hear more about your photographer friend.” You slurred your words a little towards the end which had you both chuckling. You shoved her for snorting, and she toppled over onto the floor, spilling her drink in the process.

“Look what you did!” Jennie yelled while staring at the liquid spreading under the couch.

“What I did!?” You guffawed as you shakily got up to retrieve paper towels. When you returned, you stumbled over her to dab at the mess with a massive ball of napkins. You both laughed as she pushed you off of her and onto the floor. You laid there for a while, staring at the wiggly ceiling as she finished wiping up the floor.

You sat up when you heard her cuss under her breath. “What, what’s wrong?”

“It’s going to get sticky, there’s a lot of sugar in that juice. We should’ve poured some water first before wiping it up. And speaking of water, you should probably have some. All that sugar will give you a hangover.”

As she got up, you took her wrist and pulled her back down. She looked at you in confusion, then froze as she watched your head come closer to hers. Jennie sat there for a while, unable to breath as you brushed your nose against her cheek and smelled her hair. Coconut, as always.

“Y/N…” Her voice was shaky and low. You hummed in response, bringing your hand up to caress her face. All you could think about were the possibilities you were missing out on, all of the could’ve beens and the should’ve beens. Your hand cupped her cheek as you leaned your forehead onto hers. Jennie gulped, her fingers trembling over your palm.

“Fuck the water,” You whispered against her lips before crashing your mouth against hers in a heated kiss. She didn’t move at first, taking time in her inebriated stated to realize this was actually happening and that she wasn’t hallucinating. Slowly, her trembling fingers slid up to your face and into your hair before she reciprocated.

Jennie gasped on your mouth as you tugged on her strands and licked at her reddened lips. You blushed, listening to her tiny whimpers and muffled moans, knowing you were the cause for all of them. You tried to remember the few times you two had kissed in the past and wondered if this was the most tender of all times. It certainly felt much more romantic than you were used to being with her.

You detached yourself from Jennie’s puffy lips before kissing her cheek then dragging your lips down her jaw and onto the soft skin of her neck that was now breaking out in goosebumps. Her chest heaved, her hands hesitating on your shoulders.

You paused to move her hair off of her shoulder and tuck stray strands behind her ears, then began planting feather light kisses on her shoulder. She inhaled deeply and moved her head to the side to expose more of her neck for you to ravage with your sinful mouth. You nipped just under her jaw then nuzzled into the crook of her neck, inhaling deeply.

“Mmm. I love whatever it is you put in your hair. I don’t know if you know that but…I’m telling you now.” You giggled at yourself, able to hear how drunk you sounded but being able to do nothing about it.

“You’ve never told me that before,” Jennie was wistful for a second before perking up, “Tell me something else you’ve never told me before.”

“Hmm…” You paused and took another deep breath, sitting back to look at her. She looked back at you timidly, almost regretting her question, until you answered.

You took her hands in yours then brought them up to your face to kiss. “You’re the only person that’s ever cared about me this much and I love you for that.” Jennie stopped breathing for the second time, but you didn’t notice. You kissed her hands one more time before lacing your fingers through hers and standing up, bringing her with you.

You led her to the bedroom, sitting her down on the edge before climbing on top. You scooted towards the middle of the bed, smiling down at her lazily and tugging at her shirt sleeves. She sat up briefly to remove the top then laid back down. You stared down at her bra, recognizing it immediately.

“I remember helping you pick this one out.” Jennie blushed again, feeling shy under your scrutinizing gaze. “It’s pretty on you.” You blushed too, feeling out of your element. You weren’t used to being romantic, especially not with her. But if this was the kind of thing she needed, you’d be happy to oblige.

With nothing left to say, you leaned down and kissed her tenderly, placing your hands on her chest and feeling the delicate beading on your palms and the plush feel of her breasts against your fingertips. You were afraid it might feel wrong, to kiss your best friend and mean it, and not just because you were fighting or to even a score, although you were drunk yet again. But that couldn’t be helped, because you weren’t sure if you’d have the courage or even the desire to do this otherwise.

Your hands snaked around her torso before clumsily fumbling with her bra clasp. You both giggled while kissing since it was taking you way too long to get it off. Finally, you let her take over. She undid the bra quickly, letting the garment fall down her arms and onto the bed.

You blushed, looking at her bare breasts in the harsh light of your bedroom. Suddenly your mouth was dry, so you swallowed thickly, bringing a hand to her chest and resting your palm over her hardened nipple. You looked up at her face, and it took her a minute to rip her eyes away from your hand and meet yours. You leaned in and kissed her again, enjoying the feeling of how soft her lips felt against yours compared to how it felt when kissing Jungkook. The feeling of novelty wasn’t lost on you as you engaged in this tender experience with her. It all felt extremely intimate, so you hesitated more than usual.

With one last kiss on her lips, you lowered yourself in between her legs and took her nipple into your mouth, sucking at the bud then laving at it with your tongue. She let out a shaky breath and patted the top of your head. You closed your eyes, kneading her other boob with your freehand while gently tugging on her nipple with your teeth. She let out a low moan, shifting underneath you. You could tell she was getting worked up quickly, so you slowly kissed your way back up to her face to tease her a bit.

You noticed she was trembling slightly, and you smiled against her skin, finding it endearing that you could have such an effect on her. You kissed below her ear once more then her temple but suddenly stopped, feeling your lips moistened with salty fluid that could only mean one thing. You leaned back and noticed her crumbling expression, instantly panicking and wondering if you did something wrong.

Her bottom lip trembled as more tears spilled from the corners of her sparkling eyes.

“Hey, hey,” You cooed softly, brushing her hair out of her face then moving off of her to sit up on your elbow, “what’s the matter?”

“I…I just,” Jennie struggled to form the right words to say, to convey the mix of emotion she was feeling, “It’s just…” You waited patiently with a concerned expression but nodded along, not wanting to rush her. “It’s too hard.” She sniffled and sat up, “I’m getting over you Y/N. I mean, I was… I’ve been doing so good, because I was sure you’d never ever feel the same about me and…you just tell me you love me out of nowhere and--” A sob interrupted her, and your heart broke yet again. You hadn’t stopped to think about the fact that she might not want you to confuse her this way, and it made you feel awful. Jisoo was right, maybe you were self-involved.

“Fuck, Jennie, I’m so sorry. Fuck, I’m such an idiot.” You began sitting up from the bed, but her slight fingers clung onto the sleeves of your shirt, halting you from moving farther away from her. She threw her head back in an attempt to get the tears to stop flowing.

“You meant it, though? You love me?” She looked at you with wide teary eyes and you couldn’t help but chuckle faintly.

“Are you kidding me? Of course, I do. You’re all I have. You mean the world to me. How could you think you don’t?”

“Well,” Jennie smiled, wiping a stray tear from her face, “you’re not exactly the most expressive person.” You both chuckled lightheartedly.

“Yeah, well, I’m working on it.” You smiled, reaching for Jennie’s shirt and handing it to her. She looked down at the balled-up fabric in confusion.

“I don’t want to stop.” She looked up at you tentatively and you pursed your lips.

“But, you’re right though. Doing this is only going to make it harder for you to move on.”

“But if you love me then… why do I have to move on?” You smiled, finding her pouting to be the most adorable thing ever.

“Because, Jen, loving you doesn’t mean I’m in love with you.”

“Well, what’s the difference, anyway? Maybe loving me is just the first step towards being in love with me.” You giggled as she nuzzled up to you. You wrapped your arms around her and laid down together.

“The difference, is that only one of them leads to the kind of thing you’re looking for.” Jennie hummed against your chest, sliding her hands over your waist then under your top.

“And what do you think it is that I’m looking for?” Jennie’s hands slid upwards until they found the mounds on your chest, gently groping and kneading you above your bra. Your breath hitched in your throat.

“I…I’m not sure anymore.” You let out a shaky breath as her hand sneaked under your bra. Her fingers slid over your nipple and pinched it until it had you biting your lip for more. When she looked up at you to see your reaction, you lowered your head and kissed her, the heat from earlier returning tenfold.

You brought your hands to both sides of her face, holding her to you and closing your eyes to deepen the kiss.

“Does this mean you’re not moving on anymore?”

“Not if there’s a chance for us. Even the smallest chance. There’s no way I can move on then.”

You frowned, “That doesn’t seem fair to you Jen. I can’t promise you anything.”

“Well, I’m a big girl, and it’s not your decision to make, is it? Now stop talking, you’re ruining the mood.” You couldn’t help but crack a smile. She was as bossy as always. You finally started to feel like you two were the same as before.

“Yes ma’am.” You smiled against her lips then promptly removed your shirt. Her eyes raked over your body. You blushed as she pushed you down onto the bed to plant ravenous kisses all over you. She removed your bra with calculated dexterity, tossing the worn polyester to the ground and returned the favor enthusiastically.

She didn’t spend too much time focusing on your breasts, choosing instead to continue kissing her way down to your navel. Your stomach twitched when her hair tickled it softly, making her smile. She hooked her fingers over the waist band of your pants then gently tugged until they came off completely. She paused to stare at your barely covered cunt, much to your curiosity.

Her hands slid up your bare legs sensually, and this time it was her turn for her mouth to run dry. She tentatively licked her lips as her hands reached your underwear, rubbing the fabric with her thumb and looking up at you. You stared back with a quirked brow, letting her have complete control of the situation.

Jennie turned back to the apex of your legs, decidedly taking her time on teasing you. This was the first time she’d ever gotten you under her, and she didn’t want the moment to pass her by so quickly. She wanted you to be the one begging for her this time around.

Jennie ran a single finger up and down your slit, causing you to squirm underneath her. Given the amount of alcohol you consumed in such a short amount of time, you were hornier and needier than usual. You also noticed how much more vocal you are, barely registering the hissing sounds sliding from your lips as your own. When her thumb began circling your clit above the cotton fabric, you threw your head back and rolled your eyes into your head. You were already getting wet from the teasing. You’d be embarrassed if you weren’t so desperate for her touch.

She bunched up the fabric and held it against your slit, moving it up and down and causing an excess amount of friction down the center. Your core was now hot and wet, overly ready for her tongue and fingers, but she wasn’t ready to concede just yet, not when you looked so cute torturing your bottom lip like that.

“Fuck, Jennie, stop teasing me!” The girl grinned mischievously, shushing you with a finger upon her lips.

“I’m going to do what I want and you’re going to like it.”

You grinned, knowing full well how stubborn your friend could be when she wanted to be.

“Do you know how many times I’ve fantasized about this moment?” She inserted her finger into her mouth and swirled her tongue around it before pulling it out with a pop. She moved your underwear to the side and slowly rubbed her drenched finger in between your folds, letting a sigh out when she felt and saw how slick they were for her.

You sat up on your elbows to get a better look at what was happening, bucking your hips each time her finger came close to your entrance. The devilish smirk on her lips every time she jerked her hand out of the way fired you up, so you pushed her hand off of her and pounced on the girl, pinning her to the bed.

Jennie giggled, attempting to wriggle free but to no avail.

“You think it’s funny to tease me?” You nibbled on her ear then rested your head at the crook of her neck, feeling how warm she was as you tightened your grip on her wrists. Jennie shivered, knowing your tone of voice could only mean she was in for it now.

You moved both of her wrists to one hand, the other trailing down her figure until it reached her breasts. You pinched her engorged bud roughly, earning a couple mewls from the helpless girl underneath you.

But your hand didn’t stop there. Once it was done assaulting her perky breasts, it continued trailing down, bypassing her shorts and her underwear and sliding straight into her slick folds. She gasped, struggling against your tight hold on her. She’d expected you to tease her in return, so she wasn’t prepared at all when two of your fingers slid into her abruptly.

Jennie closed her eyes, widening her legs to give you better access to her most intimate parts. She writhed and moaned under you, much to your amusement. You bit your lip watching the way she abused hers in an attempt to not scream once you found her g spot.

“Y/N…Y/N…” Her body trembled, her walls quivering around your digits the more you assaulted the fleshy mound inside of her that drove her absolutely insane. You could tell how close she was, so you paused to remove the rest of her clothing. You didn’t want to miss the sight of her orgasm in its entirety.

Once she was completely naked, you wasted no time re-entering her and finding her g-spot again.

“Cumming already?” Your thumb slid upwards along her folds until it found her sensitive clit, circling tightly around it. “I can’t believe you’re going to cum this quickly when I haven’t even used my mouth on you yet.”

“Fuck you.” Jennie spat the words out at you in between moans with flushed cheeks and a sweaty chest. You chuckled, increasing the speed of your fingers pumping in and out of her to drive her over the edge.

Her tight pussy squeezed the life out of your fingers as she moaned extra loudly, her orgasm quickly approaching. The sight of her writhing under you had you flooding your own underwear. You wanted so badly to mark every inch of her smooth skin with your mouth, to make her see stars with your tongue.

“That’s it baby, c’mon.” You stared down between her legs, mesmerized by the way she was squirting for you just from your two fingers. Your tongue darted out and licked your lips at the sight of her drenched pussy, wondering what the fluid tasted like. The last time you had fingered her, you didn’t get to see her cum, and boy, did you deprive yourself. “Fuck, you’re so hot.” Jennie moaned in response, struggling to move your fingers away from her oversensitive core. You conceded, only to lean down and lick a thick stripe between her legs to taste what your tongue had missed out on. Her legs trembled and she fell backwards onto the bed, panting with exhaustion. You bit your lip, your mouth glistening with her arousal. She laid before you, naked, beautiful and spent. You smiled, hoping she was enjoying herself as much as you were.

You sat up on your knees, climbing over her to give her a kiss for being such a good girl for you, but when you got closer to her face, you realized her breathing was even, too even.

You must’ve underestimated how plastered she was, because apparently the orgasm was strong enough to put her to sleep immediately. You chuckled, settling for a kiss on the forehead before climbing off of her. You laid beside her, pulling the blanket up to cover you both as you nuzzled into her side with your arm draped over her mid-section.

You were still buzzed, but you weren’t tired for some reason, so you settled for listening to her breathing for a while, hoping the rhythmic sounds would lull you to sleep, and they probably would have, if it wasn’t for the sound of your front door opening and closing jolting you awake.

Your eyes widened and you sat up instantly, the bedsheets falling off of you to expose your naked chest at your intruder standing at the doorway. Jungkook’s irises darkened, trained on your hardened nipples. You stared back at him, unsure of what to say. He looked pissed, and rightfully so.

The last time you fucked Jennie, you did it to get back at him for keeping a huge secret from you, knowing it’d hurt him because it was with Jennie, of all people. But this time was different. You fucked her because you wanted to. Frankly, you weren’t sure which one was worse. You swallowed thickly, your eyes trained on each and every one of his movements.

He never broke eye contact with you, not when he removed his blazer and shoes, and definitely not when he removed his tie. His eyes flitted to Jennie sleeping beside you briefly before coming back to you. His jaw was tightened, his expression hardened. You’d never seen him so visibly mad before, and it sent a thrill down your spine. Still, his silence was deafening, but you weren’t sure if you preferred it to his yelling. Your eyes were glued to his, but there was a magnetic pull drawing you to his body, especially as his veiny hands undid the buttons of his dress shirt, one by one, to expose his taught muscles. His tense disposition only caused his muscles to flex harder, and it was making your head swim.

Once his shirt was off, he removed his belt roughly, tonguing the inside of his cheek in annoyance as he mulled over whatever it was that was going through his mind. His pants were barely hanging onto the dip of his hips when he held up shiny metal objects that jingled when they moved. You swallowed again, feeling grateful when he finally spoke.

“You left your keys in the door, again, if you’re wondering how I got in.”

“Oh…” It was all you could say. You weren’t sure if you should start to explain yourself, partly because it was obvious what was going on when he got here and also because suddenly the excuse about being mad at Jisoo seemed corny. It’s not like you were cheating on him exactly, but you knew this could still hurt him, and it made you feel guilty as hell.

Jungkook tossed the keys onto your desk with a loud clang. He sighed, frowning at your lack of words, so you cleared your throat to fill the silence, “I… um…sorry I didn’t text you back…”

“I can see you were busy.” You blushed, feeling judged with the way he quirked his brow. Suddenly, he continued removing his clothing, and it only just now dawned on you that he wasn’t leaving in rage. In fact, he was getting ready to stay.

Your mouth watered at the sight of him kicking his dress pants off, exposing his bulging thighs and standing in the light of your bedroom, eyes on you.

“Are you mad? You look mad.” You blurted out the words you were thinking, feeling relieved when you said them, then not so relieved when he didn’t answer you. He simply turned around to remove his watch and place it on your desk along with his keys and wallet. Then, he walked over to the light switch and turned the lights off before making his way over to you and climbed on the bed, taking purchase on the opposite side Jennie was on. He climbed under the sheets then turned to you and hugged you tightly, pulling your back flush against his hot chest.

“Mad? Nah…annoyed? Yes. Very much so. I hate when you ignore my texts.” He took a deep breath, both of his arms squeezing you for dear life. You felt comforted in his warm embrace, spooning in bed as you had done together many times before.

“Sorry. I was being petty because—”

“Jisoo. I know. Don’t worry, I talked to her already.”

You laid together in silence for a while. Your initial fears at his arrival dissipated into warm feelings of affection and relief. Suddenly the sleep that had eluded you found you, and you realized you hadn’t been able to sleep before because of all your thoughts about Jungkook.

You yawned and spoke sleepily, “I love you too, you know what right?”

Jungkook’s pensive demeanor cracked and made way for a small smile hidden in the disarray of your hair, “Yeah, I kinda figured that already.”

You chuckled, rolling your eyes in the darkness of your room. You looked towards Jennie again, wondering how it was possible for someone to be such a pretty sleeper. You yawned again, wanting to hold out on sleeping just yet to say one more thing.

“I wasn’t talking about me ignoring your texts.”

“I know…and you know that I’m the jealous type. But… I can’t waste my time getting mad at you over this, you’re just going to do whatever you want anyway.” Jungkook’s hand slid up your chest until it rested comfortably on your boob, giving it a squeeze. “Also, I know you love me, and I guess that’s enough for me for now.” Suddenly you were aware of his boner pressing up against your backside. “Plus I’ve already made up my mind to punish you in the morning.”

You sighed contently, closing your eyes and falling asleep in the arms of the man you loved, sleeping next to the woman you absolutely adored.

It was only a few hours later when you awoke. The room was still dark for the most part, but a few streams of light floated in through the blinds and illuminated spots in the hardwood floor with a dull purple glow. You were still very much in Jungkook’s embrace, and you were in no hurry to leave it.

Jennie had shifted over on her side sometime during the night to face you. You wondered if she had woken up long enough to notice Jungkook was sharing the bed with you both, and upon focusing on her face, you noticed she was indeed awake. It only took a few seconds for her eyes to meet yours. You shot her a dreamy smile that bordered on cocky, one that said, remember when I made you cum so hard you fell asleep? You wriggled your eyebrows, earning a smile and an eye roll from the girl.

You noticed her eyes fall from your gaze and journey downward, surveying your naked torso with Jungkook’s large hands wrapped around you. Her eyes got all the way down to the underwear that you still had on. She wondered if they were still moist from earlier when she was having her way with you briefly.

“Can’t sleep?” You whispered to her, not wanting to wake up Jungkook.

She shook her head, reaching out a tentative hand to run her fingers down your stomach to the waist band of your panties. “No. Now that I’m not drunk anymore, I want more.” The tips of her fingers slid just past the band, massaging the skin just underneath it and causing your lower stomach to twitch in response.

“You’re so needy.” You both chucked sleepily. Her hand slid down further, making slight contact with your lips and it made you lose humor instantly. You froze, wondering if Jungkook was awake yet or not, but you felt his even breath at the back of your neck which told you he was still sleeping like a kitten. You bit your lip, looking at the mischievous look on Jennie’s face. She can’t possibly be planning on doing what I think she’s doing.

“You’re kidding right?” Your voice hitched as her fingers pressed into your clit. Your legs were closed with Jungkook’s draped over yours, but she was still able to squeeze in between your folds and apply pressure to the right spot. Your walls instantly clenched, and you did everything you could not to buck to the rhythm of her touch and possibly wake up Jungkook. “Jennie…Jungkook’s right here, you’re insane.” You hissed quietly at her, but it wasn’t intimidating enough for her to stop

“Oh please, as if you two haven’t fucked while I was sleeping nearby.” Oh shit. “Yeah, I know about that. So, are you going to be a hypocrite? Or are you going to let me finger you like a little slut while your boyfriend’s wrapped around you?”

You licked your lips, words failing you. The thought shamefully excited you. Your silence was your admittance to feeling sorry that she knew about that, and it was also permission to punish you for it.

She slid a digit down along your folds and hummed with approval. Turns out, you were just as moist as she’d presumed.

Jennie carefully scooted closer so your faces were mere centimeters from each other. The new proximity allowed her finger to enter you comfortably from a new angle. You closed your eyes and sighed, reveling in the feeling of her being inside of you and massaging the dull ache that manifested itself when you were initially making out hours ago. You hadn’t had your release yet and you felt like you were so tightly wound that you could burst at any second. It would also explain why you were already flooding after a few thrusts of her finger inside you.

Jennie’s nipples hardened instantly, her own legs shifting for friction. She was so unbelievably turned on right now, not only because of the danger but also because she was finally getting to pleasure you like she’d always wanted to, and the way your body responded to her was making her head swim. Her fingers got greedy, swirling inside of you to make obscene noises with your leaking arousal. Your mouth hung open and your eyes glazed over. When she saw you were about to moan, she leaned in and pressed her lips onto yours, slipping her tongue into your mouth and swirling it around yours. You were forced to keep your mouth open while her finger slipped in and out of you, making increasingly embarrassing noises that had you blushing. You were definitely a little slut for her.

Your walls soon began squeezing her finger periodically, and your stomach began twitching. You shut your eyes, panting while feeling like you were going mad not being able to move or make a sound.

When you thought you might finally cum, your eyes shot open and Jennie’s finger inside you stilled as Jungkook growled by your ear.

“Are you getting her ready for me?” Jungkook’s groggy voice was impossibly deep, his sultry tone registering with the depths of your core. You blinked a few times in the dark, then looked at Jennie who was looking just past your shoulder.

“No, actually, I was getting her ready for my tongue.”

“Well, that’s too bad, it’s my turn to punish her.” Your eyes widened even more, realizing they were having a conversation about you while you were right there in between them about to cum.

“Fine. But I want to make her cum first.” Jennie’s voice was monotone and decided, resuming her finger’s movement. Your shallow breathing returned, a feeling of confusion, bewilderment and arousal intermingling inside your fuzzy mind.

Suddenly, Jungkook’s hand squeezed your breasts as his fingers began playing with your nipple. His other hand slid down the curve of your figure to your leg and hoisted one up, giving Jennie better access to your pussy and free reign over your entrance.

He pressed a kiss into the bottom of your ear and it had you shivering in anticipation, “Were you close to cumming, baby?” All you could do was nod, resuming your focus on Jennie’s fingers. She slid in a second one and began pumping them at a sweet languid pace that had you bucking your hips into her palm. Jungkook didn’t stop tending to you, peppering kisses down your neck and onto your shoulder. His hand on your leg groped your flesh and his boner pressed up against your back side, waiting impatiently for its turn inside of you.

Jungkook’s hand slid from your inner thigh to your clit suddenly, rubbing circles into the nub as Jennie worked her magic on your core. You began moaning uncontrollably and bucking your hips wildly, unable to reason how this could feel so so good.

“That’s it, baby.” Jungkook’s cooing in your ear was your undoing. You came all over Jennie’s fingers without abandon, leaning back into Jungkook’s hard body for support. You moved their hands away from you at the feeling of over stimulation, but Jungkook wasn’t letting you off the hook. He wasn’t one to let go of a grudge so easily, that was for sure.

Without warning, he hooked your leg over his arm and brought it further up, lining his now exposed penis up with your entrance and pushing in. You moaned loudly, feeling the girth of his cock entering you without resistance. You trembled and squeezed your eyes shut, feeling the entirety of his motion from being overly sensitive. Suddenly, Jennie’s fingers were at your mouth, waiting for entrance. You parted your lips, letting her digits in and sucking on them sensually, tasting yourself on every inch.

Jennie bit her lip, pleased with how good you were being for her. Her irises darkened, watching Jungkook enter you roughly. You kept your eyes on her, getting off on her watching Jungkook begin fucking you without mercy, taking all of his frustration out on your sopping wet cunt. Jungkook’s hands held you roughly as tight groans and hisses escaped his mouth. He loved the way it felt to fuck you after you’ve just orgasmed.

Suddenly, Jennie looked past your shoulder to the boy with a focused look on his face and bangs matted down on his sweaty forehead.

“I want her to eat me out while you fuck her.”

Jungkook barked a laugh, sneering as he pounded into you rather roughly, earning a cry from you. “Not a fucking chance.”

They spoke over your loud moans. Your fingers reached out to play with Jennie’s nipples while she continued watching you getting pounded into the mattress.

“You’re so greedy Jungkook.”

“Don’t fucking push it, I’ve been nice enough, haven’t I?” Jungkook’s eyes furrowed, focusing on how tight your walls felt around his throbbing member. He slowed his thrusts and changed his angle, bucking his hips into you sweetly. You both hissed at the feeling. He bit his lip at the sight of your sweaty body surrendering to the feeling of him being inside of you over and over again. You hadn’t been fucked like this in a while, and the stimulus from both your lovers in close proximity was making you want to cum again so soon. “Is my cock that good baby? You’re already squeezing the shit out of it and I’ve barely fucked you how I want to.” You couldn’t speak, not when you were so focused on your second orgasm that was bound to make you see stars, so you nodded and bit your lip. Not to mention, Jungkook was being extra vocal and it was a weakness of yours.

Jungkook looked at Jennie as you nodded, a smug smirk on his face. Her eyes were fiery, unable to believe his audacity, but also wanting to see you cum again.

“I’ll tell you what,” Jungkook moved his lips towards your ear but maintained his eyes on Jennie, “I’ll let you cum if you say my name. I’ll fuck your little pussy just how I know you like it.”

“Fuckkk, Jungkook!” You moaned his name as his fingers returned to your clit, his hips rocking into you with renewed intensity.

Jennie licked her lips, her eyes glazing over lustfully as she brought her finger down to her own clit to rub furious circles at the sight of you getting fucked like a bitch. She was unbelievably jealous but so turned on at the same time. Her own walls were drenched and closing around nothing, the feeling driving her crazy. She craved your expert mouth on her lips, both above and below, but she recognized that look on Jungkook’s face. He wasn’t prepared to share you any more than he had been already.

“Junkook, Jungkook, Jungkook!” The boy smiled cockily, loving the way his name spilled from your lips repeatedly. How could something sound so sweet and innocent yet inherently filthy at the same time? He wanted to show you how much you were his and only his with each thrust driving the point home every time he bottomed out inside of you.

“That’s it baby. Now, who do you love?” Jungkook whispered in your ear, but not low enough for Jennie not to hear.

“You. I love you. Please, I want to cum!” Jungkook chuckled deeply, speeding up his fingers on your clit while glancing at Jennie to make sure she heard.

“As you wish.” Jungkook’s hips bucked into yours relentlessly, shifting your body roughly atop the bed sheets, but he didn’t hear your moans, much to his confusion. He leaned over and realized it was because Jennie was kissing you, quivering from her own orgasm that she had quietly reached from her own fingers. The sight was enough for Jungkook to cum right then and there, so he was grateful when your orgasm came quickly, making your body go limp in his arms and drenching his reddened dick. Jungkook moaned, feeling pure ecstasy as he released his seed into you. Your pussy quivered, getting filled to the brim.

The three of you panted, laying on your backs in a heap of limbs. You continued kissing Jennie until her orgasm left her feeling weak again, all the while Jungkook rubbed circles into your skin while catching his breath. You were the last one to fall asleep, your head swimming with thoughts of what just happened. Above all, you felt more complete than you ever had, not having to sacrifice one love for another, at least for tonight. You knew your days were numbered, but nonetheless you sighed in contentment.  You didn’t know what the morning would bring, after all. You just never knew with these two.

[lambourngb]

Why can’t I change

The irony is, you inspired this story. You posted a ficlet about Michael and Max going out to distract themselves from the pain of being separated from their soulmates...  and this hit me hard:

Max is drinking too much tonight.  This is a good bar – Michael’s actually been in here before.  Twice.  Both times over the last few months, since Alex and Forrest… yeah.  He’s left with guys, both times. He’s… he’s trying to figure some stuff out, with himself.  What he likes.  What he wants, outside of Alex.  Um, and hopefully, eventually, with Alex. It’s been… fine. Fun.  Light.  Uncomplicated.  Pretty much everything the rest of his life isn’t right now.

So I started writing a fic where Michael is exploring things about himself, dating and figuring out what he wants, while he lingers in that “hopefully eventually” feeling in place. Of course, dating is hell, and especially it’s hell when there is so much about Michael that is hard to explain to someone- not just the alien parts, but his genius IQ, his “adopted” siblings, his past in social services, no parents, etc. Then the awkwardness of how he can’t stop from watching Alex whenever their paths cross.

SNIPPET :

It started innocently enough like most of Michael’s life-ruining decisions, during a beer break from his newly re-established lab bunker. 

“Alright, worst date you’ve ever been on, and go!”  Charlie started, taking a long pull of her IPA, before sending a look over to Michael. “You win on the most embarrassing sibling, Guerin, someone needs to teach your sister to knock, but I bet I have you beat on bad dates.”

So five minutes after she had decided to stay in Roswell, Charlie Cameron had ended up tracking down Michael at Sanders, and opened the conversation unceremoniously with, “So aliens are real and I’m guessing you’re one. Consider me the newest member of your Scooby Gang and tell me everything.” He had dropped a heavy wrench on his boot, pain stealing his voice for a moment. Perhaps there was a man out there that was able to resist the no-nonsense stare of a Cameron woman, but that wasn’t Michael, or even Max for that matter.

And that was that, one more person in on the second biggest secret Michael held (he was still in love with Alex being number one). It came with it’s own valuable reveals, finding out from Charlie that although Helena Ortecho had covered her tracks with the group as a red herring for Flint’s sake, Deep Sky was a very real paramilitary group and they were the source of the depowering serum that Helena had used on Michael to keep him compliant.

So ten minutes after catching her up on all things ridiculous and real in Roswell, New Mexico, Charlie had raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow at him and drawled lazily, “Any plans to combat that drug, or are you just going to hope that the next time it’s another benign manipulator? Because the way I see it, I’m a genius biochemist, and you’re a genius period, maybe we can do better than blind hope?”

Whether it was hubris at play to see if it was even possible, or a renewed determination to just fuck up whatever military sponsored plot that was in play, Charlie Cameron signed on to research an antidote to the depowering serum and in the process had become Michael’s newest, and surprisingly easiest, friend to have. 

It was strange but Michael was starting to number his friends beyond just Max, Isobel and the currently absent Liz Ortecho. He could begrudgingly add Kyle Valenti to the list, now that Max had come clean with everyone over his heart condition. Although it was exceedingly awkward at times in the wake of their breakup, Maria was trying for friendship with him and it probably said something about them that they fell into that rhythm much easier than he had with Alex. 

On paper he could consider Alex his friend. They shared beers together at neutral locations, there was always a conversation to linger over with coffee, and finally, Michael was the person Alex called now, every time he was scheduled to go out of town for work. That was less friendship, and more of a coping mechanism for them both after his abduction by Jesse then Helena. 

It meant that Charlie Cameron had won the contest of easiest friend probably by default, but that didn’t make being the target of her knife-sharp sense of humor any easier to deflect when she smelled blood in the water. Thinking about his past, he knew that any conversation about dating was sure to leave him bleeding out.

Michael eyed the open hatch of the bunker lab, wondering if the spanse of time they had spent in the open air was enough for Charlie to nip this conversation to a close and return to the task of experimentation. Long periods of time in solitary confinement in a military prison had left her with a dislike of closed spaces, and it didn’t matter what sort of faux-Restoration Hardware light fixture he hung from the ceiling of his bunker; the walls would start closing in on her after two  hours or so of work.  

“You win this round, okay?” 

“Come on, no bowing out. I told you about the ‘bring your child to work day’ my father suffered through with his conservative asshat co-workers, you can tell me about your worst date.”

“I haven’t dated enough to have a bad one, okay?” Michael admitted, looking away. There was no way he was going to talk about the drive in charity benefit with Alex, when he couldn’t be legitimately sure that it was even a date. Did sharing a six-pack on his tailgate even count? The way that night had ended was better off forgotten. Then there was Maria, where drinks at her bar had started as the natural postscript to an evening together. Did that count? He remembered bargaining with debts to arrange a dinner with Chinese food, that had been postponed almost indefinitely after her visions took center stage. 

“Bullshit! Almost the second thing my sister told me about you was to be careful I didn’t end up in your bed.”

Michael ducked his head with an acknowledged wince. Well, Jenna Cameron did have a front-row seat during most of his questionable decisions regarding women and his poor restraint when it came to a certain brand of asshole at the Wild Pony. When he ran across men who reminded him of Foster Dad #5 who thought respect could be beaten into Michael, or men who were like Foster Dad 3 who kept his wife nervously popping pills for her nerves and caked in pancake makeup most Sunday mornings. Some people just needed punching. Michael was always happy to be the one doing it if someone gave him reason to and drunk assholes often did.

He tipped the bottle back to drain the last swallow of nearly flat beer to buy some time as he thought about what to say next. There was little hope of escape, Charlie had the mind of a scientist, sharp and inquisitive and ready to press for more answers. “I’m no virgin, that’s for sure. But that was mainly sex.” He shrugged, dropping the empty into his trash barrel. “From all the movies Izzy makes me watch with her, I gather going on a date is something of a higher tier than a one-off in my truck after last call.”

“What about with Mr. Complicated?” Charlie’s smile was closer to a smirk. Michael revised his assessment of her, from scientist to sadist. 

“More than a one-off in my truck,” Michael agreed quietly. “Everything else was why it was complicated. And no, I don’t really want to talk about it, just to say, I have no stories about lost entrées at dinner or suddenly being a part of someone’s wedding reception with him.” 

Instead of pressing the knife deeper into him with more questions about Alex, Charlie backed off with a mixed expression. Shit that was pity on her face, wasn’t it? God, it really was a sad story, his relationship with Alex and his life currently, Michael thought. Charlie, who had spent time in the last couple of years in a military prison and was actively evading a paramilitary group interested in her research, actually pitied his life. 

“You’re trying to tell me you’re thirty years old, and you don’t have a single dating story to share?” She shook her head giving a sarcastic *bzzz* sound with her lips. “I don’t buy it. What about the hot bartender you were with last year?”

“You ever try to date someone who works in a bar? Her work hours were prime recreational hours. Who wants to go see a movie after last call and closing the till? You especially don’t want to go to another bar during off hours.” Michael pointed out. “Anyway, we kept it low-key. I cooked. Or we had drinks at the Pony. I dunno, life kept getting in the way of anything more.” 

“That’s just sad.”

Michael placed his hand against his chest, “Ouch, don’t hold back!”

Charlie straightened up from where she was sitting, on the steps of the old school bus to get to her feet. “Okay you’ve basically described two relationships with feelings, but I’m talking about something different. You swipe right on someone, trade messages, ghost them when they are creepy, you’ve never done any of that? No one has ever slipped their number to you when you’ve gone out with friends?”

“I just told you, those were just one-offs in my truck.”

“Oh my god, give me your phone, we’re downloading some apps.”

[oboevallis]

unexpected pt 4

“These don’t taste good.” Scout announced to his father, after he tried the waffles put in front of him.

“What do you mean?” Link asked.

“Mommy makes it better.” Scout said with a pout on his face.

“I know, but you’ll have to deal with me.” Link said distractingly as he packed the small boys lunchbox.

“Wake mommy up. She makes waffles.”

“She needs to sleep. She was at work all night.”

“She’s made waffles after work.” Scout pouted again, starting to get irritated.

“Yeah, but the baby needs her to get more sleep especially now that it is getting closer to term.”

“Term?” Scout asked, not familiar with the word.

“That’s like the time when the baby is ready and is going to come out. But not quite we still have awhile.” This caused Scout to sigh dramatically. “Well, are you ready to go?”

“No.”

“Well, we have to go.”

“Stay here.” Scout affirmed, jumping down from his chair and making a run for his room.

“Scout.” Link tried to grab his sons attention but he was already down the hall. He made his way into his sons room to see him playing with his dinosaur toys he was obsessed with. “You’ve got to go to preschool and I’ve got to go to work.”

“Stay with mommy.” Scout said not looking at his father.

“You can’t bud. I know you want to, but don’t you want to see all your friends?” Link asked, picking up his son only for him to start screaming. “You’ve got to calm down.”

“Not going.” Scout yelled at his father as he tried to get out of his fathers grasp.

“Yes you are.” This only caused the small toddler to expedite his tantrum.

“Whats going on?” Amelia asked half asleep leaning in the doorway.

“Stay here with you.” Scout told his mother, immediately calming down and staying still in his fathers arms.

“You’ve got to go.” Link told his son.

“I think it’ll be alright if he missed a day.” Amelia smiled.

“Are you sure?” Link asked skeptically.

“Yeah, I haven’t spent enough time with my little guy.” Amelia sat herself on the floor where Scout left his dinosaurs so they could play.

“Babe, you can’t be on the floor that long your gonna throw out your back.” Link told his girlfriend.

“I’ll be fine Link, just let Scout down.” Link obliged and their son made his way over to play with his mother.

“I’m already late I should get going. Call if you need me.” Link told her as he left the room to try to get to work on time.

_______________________________________________

Amelia had just put her son down for his nap and was lounging in the living room. She bit at her nails, trying to ebb away her anxiety about her sons jealousy. In result of her thinking she picked up her phone and clicked her mothers contact.

“Hey Mom.” Amelia greeted once her mother picked up the phone.

“What’s going on kiddo?”

“I’m struggling with Scout.” Since her adventure to New York with Link, her relationship with her mother had gotten exceedingly better and she now went to her for advice.

“He’s not adjusting to the news well?”

“Not at all. When we first told him he denied it, and then hated me for a couple of days. I then explained how I’m not replacing him and I thought that he understood and it worked. Then all the sudden this morning he refused to go to school, and threw a tantrum which is not like him at all.” Amelia quickly ranted.

“Amy I cant tell you what to do, I just give you the facts and let you decide what to do with it. But I would’ve made him go, he may start to realize if he throws a tantrum you’ll give up and you definitely don’t want that once the new baby comes.”

Amelia listened intently as her mother told her how she handled the situation of sharing the news of a new pregnancy with her children and got useful advice. Her mother told her about the mistakes that she made which made the pack of them so competitive, the two stayed on the phone a bit longer until Amelia told her mother she had to go. After the satisfying call with her mother Amelia fell asleep in an awkward position on the couch.

_________________________________________________

“Mommy.” Scout said firmly shaking his mothers shoulder. “Your silly, you fell asleep.”

“Hmm, guess I did.” Amelia smiled, sitting up slowly trying to ease the painful ache in her back.

“Let’s play please.” She smiled at her son, he knew his manners. But he only seemed to use them when he knew someone was not happy with him, something they need to fix.

“What do you want to play?”

“Dinosaurs!” Scout announced excitingly running to his room to get his favorite dinosaur and the one his mother always used. As Scout was in the next room Amelia felt a painful twinge in her lower abdomen but shook it off, she had Braxton Hicks with Scout.

“Here. Your favorite.” Scout announced to his mother handing the small plastic toy over.

“Thank you.” Scout crawled under the coffee table waiting for his mother to join him.

“Come on.” Scout prompted his mother to follow his lead, she usually would crawl under with him and would pretend they were in a cave.

“I’m gonna stay right here. I’d love for you to take my dinosaur in the cave though.”

“No. Come on mommy.” Scout didn’t understand why his mother was being so difficult.

“How about we have our dinosaurs go on a mountain climbing expedition, the couch can be the mountain.” Scout seemed to accept this answer and made his over to his mother. While they played Amelia kept glancing at the clock. The contractions definitely weren’t sporadic, but she still had time.

“Mommy, are you playing?” Scout asked noticing his mother wasn’t paying attention.

“I need to go call your father.” Amelia took out her phone and tapped on his contact. No response, he was most likely in surgery. “Okay, were going to go to the hospital.”

“But mommy, we playing.”

“I know I’m sorry bud.” Amelia apologized as she slowly got up, her lower back felt like it was splitting in half. She got the go bag and a pair of shoes for Scout.

“Mommy, please we can stay.” Scout begged as his mother put on his shoes for him.

“I’d love to, but we really got to go.”

“What hurts?” Scout asked, he wasn’t hurt and she wasn’t working so what was happening.

“It seems like the baby wants to come out. Which isn’t a good thing because it still needs a bit more time in there.” Amelia was internally freaking out this baby needed more time, and they needed more time to help Scout adjust.

“Okay.” Scout realized his mother was upset, and it made him upset.

_______________________________________________

Amelia was grateful Link walked to work today and left the car for her, and the fact that the hospital was less than ten minutes away. She safely got her and her son there. Once she dropped off Scout she made her way to the elevator to go to the OB floor.

“Everything okay? I was just about to call you back.” Link greeted just barely making it into the elevator before it closed.

“I’m having contractions. Scouts in daycare.”

“Are you sure it isn’t Braxton Hicks, you had them with Scout around this time.” Link started to panic.

“I hope it is, but they kept getting closer together.”

“Okay, Okay it’s going to be fine we got this. Scouts gonna be fine, the baby’s gonna be fine we’re all going to be fine.” Link ranted, starting to spiral.

“Your saying it’s fine a lot for someone who doesn’t seem fine.” Amelia was acting uncharacteristically calm.

“Well, seems like we’re having a baby.” Link chuckled.

“We’re having a baby.” Amelia smiled.

part 5

[smolbeandrabbles]

One Thing Right - Andrew ‘Pope’ Cody x Reader (Animal Kingdom)

Author’s Note: So, whilst this is a stand alone - it can also be a little re-imagining of ‘Last Habit’ (Specifically how long it takes her to forgive him) - and was actually part of Last Habit, before that story took me another direction and left me with this-!

Heavily based on the restaurant scene from both the movie and episode 1 of the show (If you’re here for the Show!)

One Thing Right - Marshmello & Kane Brown

Disclaimer: Animal Kingdom characters/plot not mine / lyrics & gifs not mine / leap from “Last Habit” idea based on discussion with Ms. @mandy23b​  

Premise: Still frustrated with Andrew from a continuing argument, you’re determined to hold it together for a dinner event. In reality though, can you help doing anything other than forgiving him? Even if he doesn’t apologise?

Words: 6469

Warnings: Swearing / References to drug taking

_______

I've cheated and I’ve lied I've broke down and I've cried I’ve got nothing to hide no more I've loved and I've hurt Broken people down with words More grace than I deserve, for sure Known to be crazy, known to be wild Mama had herself a little devilish child Ain't no stranger to the troubles at my door You saw right through my pain Kept us patient while I changed Never even crossed your mind to walk away  When I was gettin' crazy, reckless, and wild Actin' like my mama's little devilish child It took a heart like yours to find its place I’ve been at the wrong place at the wrong time Chasin' all the wrong things most of my life Been every kinda lost that you can't find But I got one thing right Been the kinda guy girls' mamas don't like Runnin' with the wrong crowd on the wrong nights 'Cause I've been wrong about a million times But I got one thing right... you Yeah, I got you ---

It all started with a nervous, little, nonchalant proposal. The same way that Andrew always asked you to do anything with him. Like a ‘no’ was no big deal… As if you would ever say no in the first place, but the alternative never really seemed to cross his mind. “So, uh, the guys are doing some… wives and girlfriends thing next week… I dunno…” He tapped the sideboard and wouldn’t meet your eyes, “If you wanna come, then…” You raised an eyebrow; “Who are the ‘wives and girlfriends’? Surely that’s just me and Cath…? Cuz Kelly is no longer around…?” “Nicky…” “Who!?” Was Craig onto someone else already? Perhaps Darren, he was a sweetheart. Who else? “Jay’s girlfriend.” Ahhhhhh!!!! Jay. Yes, you misremembered for a moment that Andrew’s nephew was living with them now. In fact you hadn’t been over since then, so you hadn’t met him either. “Oh! Yeah, of course… Well, do you want me there?” He still wasn’t quite meeting your eyes but he nodded, “Yeah, I think so.” You smiled sweetly with a nod of your own; “Then, honey, of course I’ll come!” ***

Andrew drummed his fingers on the back of the empty chair next to him; and Baz knew it wouldn't end there. "She'll be here, mate. She wouldn't miss this." Andrew only stared at him across the table with a look that clearly asked him to shut up. This kind of thing was awkward enough for him, without worrying about where you were. He had been having second thoughts about going - only you wanted to be there, so he would put up with mundane social interactions for you. Also, if you were there and his social battery ran out - which it so often did - you usually came up with brilliant excuses to leave, or let him just find protection and comfort in your presence. Andrew, you've done enough... It's okay... You were always fine alone; more than confident with answering all the questions for him when it was clear he was no longer going to actively participate.

 Only you hadn't shown up yet, and he had to shuffle awkwardly in his seat, almost wanting to blurt out that you were an actual real person, you were just late. But why? You hadn't given him a reason. Andrew was getting more anxious by the minute, and his best friend had to watch this unfold growing exceedingly uneasy himself. What would Andrew do if that battery ran out and you weren't here yet? What would he do if you were a no show…?

 **

DAMN. Today, of all days, was clearly not meant to be yours. Not only had you been called into work to fix something on a weekend, but now traffic back into the city was beyond a joke and your cell phone provider decided that this particular route had next to no signal on it.

 So, by the time you got to the restaurant you were flustered and frustrated, and thought you couldn't possibly have made a worse first impression. It wasn’t just the first impression either, it was what you knew would be going on in Andrew’s head that worried you more. You’d been fighting- Well, okay fighting was pushing it because you and Andrew didn’t really fight, mostly because you couldn’t help but be a little worried about exactly what may happen if you really did get to fighting with him. But his brothers had a nasty habit of doing drugs – and Andrew wasn’t ever want to miss a little bit of participation, despite the fact that you’d told him time and again that you weren’t happy when he did so. When he’d invited you to this event last week you had been excited about it. You hadn’t exactly ever hung around his family in a group like that before, and the more you thought the happier you got. Andrew never invited you to things like this because they weren’t even his scene (you supposed you might have to thank Baz for that later), so to be included at all very suddenly added a new dimension to your relationship. So, now you were super excited to meet Jay and Nicky – and finally have another Cody Girl™ to hang out with. That was until yesterday morning when you’d caught him in your apartment with drugs and subsequently thrown him out, telling him you didn’t know if you were coming today. And if you were honest with yourself you were still mad at him. But you also knew Andrew, he’d probably quietly indicated you were coming ‘no big deal’ and he certainly wouldn’t have told anyone that you’d thrown him out, suggesting you weren’t going to make it – mostly because that would have been too big of a confession. You could imagine the questions, the ammunition it would give his brothers. Selfishly you supposed your reputation was on the line here, and you didn’t want to let him down. Even if he’d let you down, Andrew just meant too much to you. Honestly, you just really really wanted to meet the kids. Besides you could sit here in traffic and reason with yourself – it was dinner, which meant a maximum of 3 hours interaction - if you were still pissed about the drugs (you would be.) then you didn’t have to go anywhere with him afterwards. Seeing everyone else was a little more important than not going just to spite him. You took a deep breath, checking your phone again – still nothing. Well, if you were late then you were shaving yet more time off having to interact, if you were prepared to see it that way.

Baz, facing the door, spotted you first and was off like a rocket. Thank GOD for that! You were holding your mobile in one hand, bag slung over your shoulder, oversized white shirt unbuttoned nearly all the way to reveal a black vest top, tucked into a work mini-skirt. But you’d slipped from your heels into your pumps to drive, and your shades were in your hair. All in all, your face said you’d had better days, but really Baz was just glad you were here. He enveloped you in a warm hug, which you were only too happy to return. "Oh, Baz! I'm so, so, SO sorry!" "What the hell happened!?" "Work-! IT. When isn't it IT?" You huffed and folded your arms, "I feel like us casing the place that one time ought to have told ya it was time to leave." You scoffed, laughing, "It's a good place to work, I just can't believe today of all days it was such a MESS - and traffic!? I haven't see it that bad when it's rush hour! I mean what the hell!!" “Aw, honey, I’m just glad you’re here – we were worried.” – about Andrew, who was worried about you. You bit your lip, looking everywhere but Baz’s face and the table, “How is he?” “He’s… Andrew. Why?” “He didn’t tell you did he?” “No.” Baz would never go for the ‘tell me what?’ if it was something so obvious as the way you looked back to him. You took a deep breath, throwing your phone into your bag, “Okay.” And then more to yourself than to Baz, “It’s gonna be fine.” “Woah, you… you wanna talk about it-!?” He stepped backward with your step forward and held his hand out, concerned. You shook your head, “Not right now, thanks Baz.” And you really did appreciate his concern, “I just wanna meet everyone!”

 Andrew looked just as relieved as Baz did, swivelled in his seat now to watch you both walk through the restaurant, by this time Baz was already trying to lighten your mood and he’d made you laugh more than once; you were smiling – he was good at that. Andrew vacated his seat to take the last few paces to hug you himself; that movement was important – he knew exactly what he’d done, and you weren’t sure if you were supposed to accept his PDA as an apology. But something about him holding you in his arms softened you for a moment; "Oh, baby, I'm so sorry!" You mumbled into his shirt, "I really... I really AM sorry! It's been the morning from hell..." He shook his head, almost not caring; loving the feel of you holding him this close, your nails digging into his shirt. You gave him just the energy shot he needed. "It's okay..." He mumbled, though you felt that was probably far from the truth, "I'm just glad you made it safe..."

He let you slip from his arms, PDA wasn't his thing, so you knew this was because he needed it desperately only. Or you were right and it really was in apology. You kissed his cheek gently, feeling that would be the most comfortable, and rounded the table quickly to hug Darren. He was the baby, and looked and acted like it. He was like the good natured one who had yet to be fully dragged into this mess. You might have been a complete outsider, but Andrew told you as much as you were prepared to hear... Or that he knew you had to know. Usually that came with his more protective nature. That put you in solidarity with the youngest Cody sibling, and you felt you probably liked him the most – Darren liked you too; though you knew he was a little wary of your relationship. "What they got ya in for on a Saturday!?" He was referring to your attire, and you noticed Craig linger a little too long on the fact your white blouse had buttons undone to just the wrong side of inappropriate. "Oh. You know the company has to be running smoothly Monday morning and that’s that..." You sighed, “I’m so sorry.” He laughed, “Aw, you don’t need to apologise to me.” “No, only the whole damn table…” But Darren patted your back gently, “Well! Get on with it, we’re starving-!” You skirted the table while saying ‘Hi’ to Craig, Smurf and having an animated five minute conversation with Cath that had Baz rolling his eyes and sighing; "GIRLS! She's late enough!" Cath pushed him with a laugh, as you bashfully kept running around the table to where Andrew was still standing up, leaning on the back of his chair. At least there was something resembling a smile on his face as he watched you interact with his family. "Sorry, honey..." You almost smacked yourself, but realised there wasn’t really any stopping you, your heart was starting to overrule your head. You’d have to try to keep yourself in check – then again… He squinted slightly at the cute nickname, but pulled your chair out for you, to which you thanked him again as he pushed you in and reseated himself. "Can we EAT now!?!" Craig huffed, clearly on the less kind side of annoyed; "I was ready to order, like, 50 minutes ago!" You flushed and covered your face with your hands, "OH GOD!! I'M SO SORRY!" "He's just being a prick... Y/N... You're fine..." Baz's voice at least held a laugh, but you weren't sure it helped your feeling. Like he hadn’t already commented on it-! Andrew placed his arm around the back of your chair and shook his head at his sibling. Say something like that again and just wait until we get home. You liked that movement, it made you feel safe and comfortable. It was an assurance you sometimes needed in situations like this. Yet you knew you should still be mad at him; you were about to spend this meal incredibly torn…

"So!" You referred to the two teenagers sitting at the far end of the table. "You must be Jay and Nicky? I confess, what I know is little, although I have heard a bit. It's nice to meet you! I'm Y/N!" "Guess they might know a little about you, too..." Baz gave you an amused look that told you they'd be lucky if they'd even heard your name before you said it. Andrew shuffled in his seat in response to this, he needn’t have reacted at all - you had that kind of hunch yourself. The teens bashfully introduced themselves in answer to you as everyone ordered – in the back of your mind you were already thinking they were way too sweet to be involved here, and that adoption should be the way to go. You supposed that attitude shouldn’t surprise you, given the state of your family – your parents would have signed on the dotted line about 5 minutes ago. Still, you supposed you, in the remnants of a business suit, looked like the odd one out around the table – but that’s exactly what you were, and you were strangely comfortable with that. They were very sweet and shy, meaning you tried to make every question you asked kind and open – they didn’t have to answer if they didn’t want to. All you really wanted them to know was that you were decent; they were safe and you’d protect them at all costs. Besides, you reckoned Jay should know by now you were dating the most volatile man at the table. You’d like to say you knew that Andrew wouldn’t lay a hand on them – yet you also knew that he was capable of anything. You’d also like to say you were capable of stopping him, truth was, you were scared of what might happen if you got between Andrew Cody and something he deemed necessary to do. As you kept talking throughout dinner, and you tried to keep questions off yourself, you were aware of how close you were getting to Andrew. That was all subconscious because he’d barely moved an inch, but it was an act you loved doing. There was something very powerful about Andrew’s aura and you liked orbiting it; right now he was calmer – sure, his eyes still shifted around the room and to everyone in the table, yet everything about him was saying he was protecting you. Because even you were just waiting for Craig to come at you; he wasn’t exactly a fan of the fact that you didn’t come from the same place as them, that you came from a different class and social background. No prizes for guessing where he might have got that from. You got the feeling Smurf thought that you felt you were too good for them – not necessarily…. You’d seen the way she treated Andrew; the lost cause. The idea of wanting to get him out of this was something you thought about often. Though you also thought it was pointless when he was in your house doing drugs – but you would digress. In fact, you loved most people around the table. Really you felt a lot of them were better than the positions they found themselves in – if she really wanted your honest opinion. But you could only date one of them. And he was work, you’d give him that.

"What do you do, Y/N?" Eventually questioning did get back around to you, and you were trying to figure out how to answer before you were cut off. "Here we go..." Craig scoffed "What, jealous!? You can go it for me if you want!" Your eyes narrowed, arms folded He at least laughed; "No, No, I think I'm good - thanks!" You shook your head at him and turned back to Nicky's question, "I do IT." "Do IT?!" Baz repeated in a mocking voice "What? I do." He leant forward, "Nicky, she's just being polite and modest." "HA-!" Andrew shifted impatiently, which made Craig shut up again before he even started. Baz was allowed to finish his sentence; "She's a CIO." You leant on your hand with a small smile, "And CISO. If we're getting technical." "And that-!" Baz pointed to you, "Whatever the hell that is-!" Chief Information Security Officer, if he really wanted the answer. "That's why I said IT!" you laughed, “I head IT for a very small company, Nicky, it’s nothing.” “Enough to drive a Lamborghini.” This was exactly where things got complicated; where the divide showed, even though it didn’t matter to you. You were always uncomfortably aware of what it looked like to everyone else. “Will you guys stop!” You pushed Baz’s arm, but he was smirking and that only sent them all off laughing again. Causing you to hide in your hands for a second, shying towards Andrew – who despite still daring Craig to say another word with a frosty glare, had a hint of pride about him and the way he sat. Somewhere in the back of your mind you could almost hear the ‘That’s My Girl!’ that every other man around this table would likely say; his eyes flicked to yours, lips pressing themselves into a line that very nearly threatened smile. You were glad Andrew never got that far; not that it would have mattered anyway – because of course, you smiled back. Before you remembered why you were mad and your smiled faded for a moment. You lowered your eyes from Andrew’s face tracing them down his neck to his black buttoned polo shirt, then looked away from him entirely – realising you were just making yourself sad thinking about it. Still, he didn’t let you go; the slope of his body and the tip of his head as he watched the way your eyes traced him, he leant into you to keep you close – but he didn’t reach out. You didn’t expect that from him either. Andrew knew you were still mad at him; he could think about removing his arm from the back of your chair opting simply to pull you closer, but he wasn’t made that way. Andrew wouldn’t – at least not publicly and certainly not here.  Right now, he wasn’t even sure you wanted that – or if you’d simply push him away. Nevertheless, he noticed how torn you were and hated that it was him that had caused it. What a mess for a quick fix. Wasted and pointless. He ran his hand over his cheeks – suddenly imagining the feeling of your nails embedded in them as you lowered your voice to a sexy level of threatening. Andrew shifted in his seat again, this time away from you, and kept his hand there for a moment – you couldn’t help but notice the way his breathing change abnormally. You also realised all that had triggered in you was a smirk, absentminded enough for you to be shocked at yourself – yet you knew exactly why, and hell if you wouldn’t call it useful information…

Dinner continued until you were stuffed and couldn’t eat anymore, pushing your knife and fork neatly together you sat back, nestling gently into his arm that was back around your chair. Finally comfortable enough to seek the warmth of his body. By now he was staring at you, and he had been for quite a while, because that’s what Andrew did. You’d long since given up trying to guess, or even ask him, why he would choose to stare at you in the particular way he did. It was never any less intense than the way he would look at everyone else… yet it was so different – and this stare was strangely hopeful. You supposed he was considering whether or not you’d forgive him – then again, so were you. Turning your eyes on him you couldn’t help but gaze back; lost in another beautifully silent conversation. I’m here for you. But don’t you dare think I forgive you for what you’ve done just yet.   You knew he needed you here, and he must have known you knew that right now. You brushed your forehead gently to his, resting your hand reassuringly on his knee. It might take you a while to excuse him, but that didn’t mean you couldn’t love him. Everyone still pushed for dessert; at which point you swapped seats with Craig, bowing out – not without brushing your lips to Andrew’s cheek first, which very nearly startled him - to learn a little more about Jay and Nicky. Cath joined you a little later and with Jay joining in with his uncles, Smurf joined you in a girl’s conversation. It was nice to learn some more about her, and talk just a little about yourself without the whole table either wanting you to flaunt it, or scoffing at you for being a show off. You liked that you had the opportunity to chat with her in the quiet, which became quieter as Smurf and then Cath left you to it whilst they went back to the boys – clamouring for attention once more. Andrew was back to watching you, into his usual habit of making sure you were safe at all times and you were quite enjoying catching his eye every now and then. It’d make you smile and look away; a simpler form of flirting, but one you felt you probably both enjoyed. When he and Baz got up to pay the bill, Andrew walked behind you, brushing his hand over your shoulders. Fingertips pressing into your skin in a way that had you fixating on his touch and looking up at him as he walked away. You’d quite forgotten what you were saying and instead Nicky was left witness to that way you stared at each other, before he turned and they strolled to the counter – although you didn’t look away. Blinking a few times you cleared your throat; “Hey guys-!” They swivelled back, “Yeah?” You pulled your card from your purse and held it out, “I was late, it’s the least I can do.” Andrew waved away the suggestion, “No, Y/N, it’s okay…” “We got this – you can owe us later.” Baz added with a wink, and you figured he might spend the next five minutes trying to persuade Andrew onto a double date; which he would love of course.

Instead you watched them talk seriously at the counter for a minute as they split the bill; with the glances they both kept throwing to you, and the way Baz very nearly clipped him (about the only person who’d get away with it), you assumed that it was really an integration about the previous morning, causing you to look away quickly for fear of being dragged into it. Nicky giggled gently, and you realised she had continued watching you, “You really love him, don’t you?” You continued focusing on the table, although even her words had you smiling, and you very nearly laughed. “Yeah.” “How long have you been together?” That made your eyes raise to her - suddenly you realised you didn’t even know the answer. It wasn’t like Andrew was ever going to keep track of your anniversary – and to be honest being held up in a parking lot was not exactly something you wanted to remember the date of. “…Oh, uh…” You also couldn’t believe someone would want to ask you outside of your family; a lot of your friends thought Andrew was strange at best and would probably rather forget you were with him. You were grateful your parents foster kids more than made up for that. “…Just over a year?” you squinted, no, it felt longer than that - “Maybe closer to two?” then you smiled, genuinely, “Thank you for asking.” “I thought that was normal?” She tilted her head, making you laugh, “I don’t know if you’ve met him before today, but,” You looked around her to watch them still in heated discussion, “Andrew’s not exactly…” you paused, “He’s a little different. I think that’s probably why I like him so much. Then again, it’s not exactly something that gels with a lot of people,” you bit your lips together, “it’s a real shame - you know, if he was given the chance…” you trailed, “Sorry! That’s a lot for… the first time I’ve ever met you.” You place your head in your hands again, “Late and rambling, man, I must have made one hell of a first impression!” But she was smiling, and reached out to touch your hand, “I think it’s sweet – that you care about him like that, and I see the way you look at each other, he cares a lot about you too I can tell. He doesn’t take his eyes off you.” You weren’t sure if you should set her straight or agree with her; “That’s also a very Andrew trait, something to get used to for sure. I guess it’s okay if it doesn’t bother you…” “Does it?” God bless her innocent curiosity. “No. Except, nothing about Andrew bothers me.” “Should it?” Your eyes flicked back to him and then to her, and you said it as honestly as you could without really telling the truth; “He’s just… a lot to unpack.” ***

He stopped by your chair as they walked back, and everyone else started to rise, so you supposed dinner was over. As he’d helped you in, Andrew also helped you out. “You okay?” “Yes…” You gave him a gentle nod, “Thank you…” and you realised all at once that you really hadn’t had a verbal conversation yet. You wondered how you could just get back in your car and drive away after that. Andrew had to know you were still reeling a little – but it didn’t sit right with you, to just say goodbye and leave him to his own devices once again. Especially considering that could just drive him back in the direction you were trying to pull him from (or drag him – kicking and screaming if necessary). As you made your way from the restaurant - close but not touching; he wasn’t even trying to take your hand to keep up appearances (and sometimes Andrew did) – it was clear he was thinking along the same lines. Baz was the first one to turn to you, “How about it, Y/N? Drinks? I mean you can just park the car up and take off tomorrow if you’re worried about getting a DUI.” “Oh, no I really… I’ve had a day, you do not want me to take up any offer of drinking.” You waved your hands hoping he might drop it. “Aw come on – what!? You know how bad we get-!” No such luck. You indicated to the teens, “I would rather keep up appearances!” “It's cool, guys, I'll take her home." Andrew cut in before anyone else could protest your objection. You turned to him, wondering if a conversation in the place he’d done the crime was even a good idea. Maybe it was the only good idea. Of course, no one argued with that; "Okay, Andrew, see you later!" Although he waited for you to hug Nicky goodbye. You were good at bonding with people, and there weren't a lot of females in Andrew's life beyond his mother and Cath. So he knew you'd be particularly receptive to this teenage girl who had no idea quite what she was getting into. And that you'd likely want to protect her from that. Afterall, he’d watched you talk to her for at least the last hour, with that same sweet, caring smile on your face that you often gave him. Not that he thought he deserved it ever, perhaps even less than usual right now. And here you were again, being as naturally kind as you always were. "...It'd be cool to hang out too! I mean I dunno, maybe you're a little too cool for me!" You gave a gentle laugh that made her smile; "No, I'd like that!" "Awesome, well, you have my number now. Do not hesitate to call me. Especially if you happen to have to hang out with these boys again... In fact, Cath, you and I should have a girl’s night - Good Lord." "Don't tempt me!" Cath yelled from behind you, which made the three of you burst out laughing and all the boys look on a little confused. You hugged her tight and protective; she was so cute and utterly sweet. As the only other real outsider (and completely in the dark) you wanted to keep her on that side of things for as long as possible. It was your choice not to know anything, you didn't want her to have to know there even was a choice.

You waved them all off and walked with Andrew back towards the car park; he fell into the rhythm of your walk, studying every single other person on both sides of the road. He didn't hold your hand, but your skin was millimetres apart, his shoulder brushed against yours every few steps - as if to make sure you were still there; as if you'd be anywhere else. You were used to this by now, and if you were honest you loved it. There was something unvoiced about it all, how you were both aware the other was there and close, but there was no needed physical contact. Andrew was the most comfortable you'd ever been with a man in your entire life. And you weren't sure if that was ironic or not. "Are you driving?" "I don't have my car." You held out your keys, "Are you driving?" He took them gently, suddenly falling out of step with you, and then behind as he stopped. You paused a little further down the sidewalk and turned with a raised eyebrow; "What-?" He held the keys up, "You drove your Lamborghini to work!? AGAIN!?" This only went back to every other time he’d told you to be careful driving it around, should some opportunists try to car jack you… again. You folded your arms, somewhat impatient with his lack of answer; "Oh, I didn't realise I had to stop on the weekend too - now are you driving or what-!?" You knew he could stop the excited smile from crossing his face, but it escaped into his voice; "Yes!"

 ** Even though you still hadn’t spoken to him properly, it was all in his body language. For him it was the same, all in your actions. You didn’t have to let him do this – in fact you could just have turned to him and said that he wasn’t coming with you. Yet here he was, driving your gleaming silver Gallardo through Melbourne to your apartment. You noticed Andrew was making the most out of the opportunity by taking you the scenic route. All you could do was watch him. How comfortable he was – just you and him and driving. How careful and in control – a real force to be reckoned with, not that Andrew ever wasn’t that, but the whole aura of it was different. This time he couldn’t keep that small smile off his face – tiny sure, and if you weren’t looking you were bound to miss it, but it was there. You liked that he was comfortable, because you often watched him be so uncomfortable with everything. The social situations he was forced into especially; for that matter, Andrew didn’t often talk in social settings. He could still be the one in the room in control and be uncomfortable, his body language would tell you such. Here and now though, his energy was confident – and though he was alert to the conditions he was surrounded by on the road, Andrew was the most relaxed you’d seen him in a long time. You let yourself actively enjoy it. Because you wanted to revel in him when he was like this. It was a glimpse, a rare thing that you weren’t about to let slip away from you. You knew how much he loved this car, even when he was sitting passenger side, and when he actively showed it that was even better. Andrew was letting himself enjoy the moment as much as you were; just by watching him you’d been persuaded to smile, to coax your hand from your lap to entwine with his fingers. He didn’t look across to you – but his lips twitched and for half a second that smile was visible, before it dropped away again. Still, Andrew Cody didn’t let your hand go. ** You were back to being cold and silent by the time you were in the lift to your apartment; perhaps not by choice, but because you just couldn’t figure out exactly what to say. You weren’t sure how to approach it, and certainly hadn’t had time to think of such things. After all, you did kick him out of your apartment yesterday after screaming then using Andrew’s own ‘quiet & threatening’ tactic against him. You just knew that you couldn’t keep up the silence; part of you worried that if you did  Andrew would switch from understanding why (as you were sure he did) to thinking screw this and heading back home – where all that really awaited him was his brothers, alcohol and more drugs. Certainly not what you wanted. He was looking at you again though, and Andrew thought that maybe the air of friendliness you’d been displaying this evening had been for his family only. Just for dinner. He supposed it made sense, but Baz had told him in no uncertain terms that he needed to apologise to you, quickly. Andrew was just trying to figure out how best to do that – of course he’d been thinking about it, but you’d been regarding them both and he didn’t want it to come out like the only reason that he was saying sorry was because Baz had asked him to. No, he wanted it to sound as sincere and genuine as he felt. Usually silence was good for Andrew, he found a comfort there that he could seldom find anywhere else. Even around you. This wasn’t comfortable – not when there was so much unspoken between the two of you. You would often communicate without using words – but that wouldn’t even save you both now. He let you have it, 5 minutes of total silence, how you stood with your hands down on your kitchen counter staring at nothing. You could tell exactly what he was thinking, considering he was pacing up and down the room, and wouldn’t take his eyes off you. Until eventually Andrew sighed, making you raise your eyes to him; “Why… Why even bother turning up? Why would you want to be there today? With me. Why are you even okay with me?” He looked away from you, squinting in thought, “I understand the reasons you hate me right now. Which makes me not understand why you would…” He trailed, finding it hard to describe how he could know you weren’t happy – but you could still look at him like he was your world… Was there even a way to describe that? “Oh. Andrew…” You almost sounded desperate, but exasperated, your face softening and for a moment your heart bled for him – because he always felt like everything had to be understandable and logical; it was just how his brain processed. Just once sometimes you wished he would realise that your feelings for him really weren’t logical at all. You could never really hate him. “Look. I love you. And that’s never going to change, it’s just sometimes you make me SO mad!” You ran your hands through your hair with a small exhale, settling your eyes back on his infinite stare; “Because I see the good in you Andrew. And I want more people to see that. YOU might think he’s gone, and your family clearly do, but not me. I KNOW it’s there. I wouldn’t be with you if I didn’t see it. But you do things like this, and I just…” You gave a gentle shrug, unable to even explain it for yourself; “If I don’t believe in you, who will? It hurts me when you hurt yourself. And I feel sorry for you and… that is that.” His stare was measured, and his blink slow. You knew he wouldn’t say anything, Andrew just wasn’t built that way. But you wanted him to, right then more than any other moment you wanted words to spill from his lips. Andrew’s blue eyes left yours and he looked to the floor - that was a lot, all at once it was a lot for you to just say to him. It would be a lot to not respond to; then again, he wasn’t sure what he could say. He wasn’t good at expressing his feelings for you, Andrew never had been, but he knew he felt something – things he’d never felt for any other person, not even his own family. They were just so hard to say with conviction that sounded like he really believed them. You stepped from the counter and walked across the room to him, although he took several paces back, shying away from your touch. You wouldn’t take that as an answer, because you needed him right now – he needed you too. You took Andrew’s hand in yours; allowing him to maintain the gap but letting him know you weren’t about to let go. He shook his head slowly, still not meeting your eyes, and his next sentence was murmured – a thought to himself that maybe he hadn’t meant to say aloud; “I don’t deserve you. But you’re the only thing I’ve got right so far…” You tipped your head, unsure where exactly that had come from; “Andrew, I-” “I shouldn’t have done it. I know that.” Sorry. He was saying sorry, in a typically Andrew way of saying it. It’d take time for the actual word to come – or else maybe he’d simply show you. You framed his face with your free hand, tilting his head back up so those haunting eyes could meet yours once more. “…What…?” Andrew’s lips parted, no words came, before he swallowed and placed his hand over yours. For a moment you thought he might pull away once more, but he didn’t. His eyes simply searched yours for any way he might get away with never saying something so honest again. “I know you heard me.” You didn’t quite roll your eyes; instead pulling yourself to him, forehead against his – gently humming your agreement. I Did. You closed your eyes to the silence and lost yourself to the sound of his breathing. You knew exactly who this man was, and everything he was capable of – no matter how much you tried to burry that beneath your love for him, and no matter how hard you tried to save him from it. But, more importantly, Andrew Cody was yours - and you weren’t about to ever let him forget it.

---

Thank you for reading-!😍

@happyskywhale @wltz-bby #MendoTagSquad

[fallinnflower]

for(n)ever

johnny x reader (angst, non-idol!au)

Johnny Suh has loved you since you were ten years old. He had unintentionally gotten gum in your hair, at which point you’d both been sent to the principal’s office. Johnny got in trouble with the school, but the real punishment to him seemed to be seeing you try not to cry. 

He later learned you were so upset because you’d been growing your hair out to donate it. If he felt bad before, he felt truly awful after. 

He spent the rest of that year trying to make it up to you, even though you clearly didn’t hold a grudge about it. Sure, sometimes you’d playfully lean away from him when he was chewing gum while talking or laughing, but it was never with bad intentions. Johnny grew his own hair out that summer and the two of you made your hair donations on the same day. 

He wouldn’t have said he loved you then, though he definitely had a crush on you. It was the type of thing he talked his mom’s ear off about, just going on and on about how you did this or that — but even with his mother’s prodding, he couldn’t seem to work up the courage to ask you out. The thing is, you didn’t date much at all, so he never really felt the pressure was on. 

Until you met Jun. 

Jun transferred into school while you were all awkward, gangly preteens. He was a nice guy, smart, and played basketball with Johnny. Despite all these things, Johnny kind of hated him — because you had the biggest crush on Jun, and you wanted Johnny’s help with it. He should’ve known better, really, because of course you’d ask Johnny for help with something like this; you’d never been quite as social as he was, and Johnny would do anything for you. He’s not sure you realized the true extent of that second fact, but you knew enough to ask for favors at times like this. 

So that was how Johnny became your wingman. His friends all told him it was the dumbest thing he could possibly do, and that was pretty much true. There wasn’t much worse he could do than break his own heart — though seeing you sad would’ve had a similar affect on him, so he just chose the option where at least one of you could be happy. So Johnny got to watch you grow up beside him, becoming more and more beautiful, all while you chased after Jun and Johnny lagged behind, with you wedged in the middle of the race without even knowing there was a third runner participating in your walk of life. 

The thing was, Jun didn’t like you like that. Johnny knew it from the start, because they had bonded one night over beer and a chat about their one-sided love for their best friends. The difference being that Jun’s was all the way back in China, and Johnny walked his home almost every single day. 

It was ironic. But things worked out or Jun — his friend came to Korea for university, and the two reconnected and soon started a relationship.

You always tell Johnny you’re happy for Jun, content with just the friendship you now share with him, but the way you react to receiving their wedding invitation is enough to prove Johnny’s suspicions.  

“Johnny,” you whine into the phone. He had only just gotten his own mail, toeing his shoes off in the doorway of his apartment when you called. He frowns at the sound of your voice. 

“Are you drunk, Y/N?”

“No,” you drawl, and Johnny starts shuffling through his mail. A particularly elegant envelope catches his eye, and he knows what it is without even opening it. 

“Did you get one too?” He asks, tone soft. There’s silence on your end for a long time. 

“I thought I had a chance,” you hiccup. Johnny runs a hand through his hair and looks back at the door. Your place is a fifteen minute walk away—

“I’ll be there soon, okay?” He replies, already moving to put his shoes back on. His whole body protests, aching and exhausted and hungry from work, but he finds himself exiting the apartment anyways. 

You’re half-asleep by the time he arrives, so he simply guides you to the bathroom and combs your hair out for you while you half-heartedly brush your teeth. 

You fall asleep holding him around the middle, and he’s pretty sure all the sudden butterflies taking flight at once makes his heart shatter. 

It’s no surprise to anyone that the two of you show up to the wedding together. It’s a surprise to some that it’s just a carpool situation, though. Somehow, despite being the groom and therefore exceedingly busy, Jun finds the time to prod at Johnny about the lack of relationship, to which Johnny can only laugh and shrug as always. 

“At least it’s worked out for one of us,” he replies. Jun’s smile is so bright it seems to actually blind Johnny for a moment. 

“Yeah,” he says, and Johnny is sure if he were to look in a dictionary the expression Jun is making now would be used as the example for the word bliss. 

Johnny notices how you avoid looking directly at the bride or groom during the ceremony, gaze always off to the side or up just enough that you don’t have to see their faces. He had taken your hand the moment the bride started walking down the aisle, but your fingers remained limp in his grasp. 

You cry during the vows. Johnny hands you his handkerchief and otherwise pretends, for your sake, that he doesn’t even notice. 

The two of you walk to the reception hall together. 

“Are you sure you wanna do this?” He asks. You look extremely pale, your posture stiff, but you nod. 

“Yeah,” you say. “Might as well get some free cake out of this, right?” Your gaze is trained straight ahead, but Johnny’s eyes are on you, looking for any signal from you to run. 

There is none. So he simply offers you his arm, and leads you into the venue. 

Johnny finds you out on the balcony after the couples’ first dance, and he offers you a glass of champagne. You smile at him, the evidence of tears still in your eyes, but he doesn’t comment on it. The two of you lean against the balcony side by side, shoulders brushing, looking out over the garden. A breeze blows by, and Johnny doesn’t think twice before slipping his blazer off and draping it over your shoulders. The smile you offer is grateful, but still watery. Although you look very troubled, it still takes you a few sips of champagne to let out a sigh and start speaking. 

“Why’d we come again?” You ask. Johnny can’t stand the defeated posture you’re in, and so he does what Taeyong is always telling him not to — tries to joke. 

“To stick it to our old classmates, remember?” He nudges you playfully, but all he gets is a half-hearted chuckle as you stare into the flute of champagne. With his blazer over your slumped shoulders you appear even smaller, like the whole event has transported you back to high school where all the pain started. Suddenly, very much like your high school selfi, you throw back the entirety of the champagne and then sigh, slumping against the railing. Johnny opens his mouth to tease you for drinking it improperly, but you beat him to the punch,

“I think I’ll just stay single forever,” you say, both wistful and miserable. Johnny looks at your face in the moonlight and feels his stomach twist. 

“You won’t.” You scoff at that, though you still don’t look at Johnny. He wonders if you even feel his gaze on you, or if you’re just ignoring it like any other subtle, romantic advance made by him over the years. 

“I will,” you retort, voice firmer, almost angry. “I wasted so much time on him... nobody would even wanna date me, anyways, let alone marry me.”

“I’d marry you,” he says, softly. He turns to look at you, your eyes blown wide, and smiles, “In a heartbeat.” 

Your answer is obvious even before he hears it, but he’s always willing to wait. So, he stays at your side, watching the emotions play across your face as you search his expression and find no hint of falsehood. 

“Oh, Johnny,” you breathe, and his heart breaks. He always had a feeling, but nothing compares to hearing it admitted aloud. Your lower lip is trembling, and as he watches you bite it he forces a laugh and ruffles your hair gently. 

“I’m kidding,” the lie feels as though it’s cut him right down the middle and exposed his heart to you, but it doesn’t matter. He wraps an arm around your shoulders and pulls you into his chest as you begin to cry again, resting his chin atop your head. 

“Don’t worry, Y/N. There’s someone out there for you, better than me, so don’t settle. Alright?”

You nod, and he expects it to hurt, but all he feels is an emptiness where there was pain a second ago. After a moment, he holds you away from him and brushes the tears off your cheeks before ushering you back into the party. As you fade back into the crowd, Johnny turns to look out over the balcony, holding the cold stone railing with white-knuckled hands. His whole body is shaking, and he feels inexplicably cold without you beside him. A cloud drifts across the moon, shrouding him in darkness as the only tear he sheds for the night slips down his nose and falls between his hands. Without so much as a deep breath, he turns and walks, smiling, back into the party himself. 

[christinthechronicallyill]

Letters of the Chronically Ill

To the friends of the ill

You’re important to me.

I live for the hours where I am with you, laughing about all the crazy adventures you have been on that week and for the moments where we talk about all things of your heart and what makes it come alive and thrive. I love hearing about the awkward party that you went to, the time your mum sucked the cats tail up the hoover and when you slipped down the hill on the way to college and ended up with a long brown skid mark. Tell me about how you walked for miles with your dog, how your partied into the early hours of the morning and how you had to wake up at 5:30 to catch a train to London for the day. I love hearing about your outings and gatherings with people- because I know that you are happy and enjoying life and that is all I want for you. To be happy, to know you’re loved and that you are going to be great. I will tell you all that is interesting in my life, so I’ll probably talk about my dog and her weird and wonderful tendencies, my brilliant reenactment of an elderly lady on a daily basis (pill popping and all) and how I am still heroically making it to most of my classes and the awkward moments when they ask how I’m doing and where my class work is (fairly sure my dog ate it?) Please don’t feel guilty when you are full of stories and I don’t have as many, I love to listen and when I do have stories, they are all the more precious to me because they are less. I also ask that you remember that I am still always here for you in whatever situation good or bad. I may not be able to physically be around but I am always a text or a phone call away and will always respond as soon as I can- you mean so much to me and I love and appreciate you greatly. I know sometimes you feel guilty talking to me about what is going on in your life; I'm not sure why as your issues aren't any less significant. I will always listen and offer advice and attention where I can, and will hug you tightly (or give you a clip round the ear) when I next see you. My life is difficult but it is still good. What you are struggling with isn’t less significant or not as important. It’s not the situation but how you feel in the situation. I won’t always get it right, but I will always try and keep an open mind and not allow how I am feeling on that day to effect us.

I spend a lot of time at home, which makes me very grateful for the technology that we have because I can still be connected through social media with you and see what you’re up to. For me, this can both be a blessing and a burden. I enjoy the mindless scrolling because it requires little focus and minimal energy and yet fills time that I seem to have. It’s good because I can ‘like’ and ‘comment’ on all your beautiful pictures and meme shares and meaningful statuses to my hearts content and I know that you see that and we remain connected through that. However; I often get jealous of you being well, not that I would ever wish that you were ill for a moment , but more that I wish I was well enough to be with you. When I see you with our other friends, laughing and sharing with one another the incredible outing you just had, I feel lonely and miss being able to be with you all. It is upsetting when I can imagine the wonderful time you are all having and I become focused on the fact that I was absent and that nobody seemed to notice or care. I know this isn't true. This is in my head and I am not sharing this to make you feel guilty because ultimately I love to see you loving and living life to the fullness that you are and embracing friendships and growing stronger together, I am sharing it so that you know that this is an area that I need to embrace and learn to have a more positive attitude towards and I am working on it and I hope that I learn this so that I have no ill feeling towards you. Social media also enables me to share what I get up to, and I post most things that I do when I do see someone or when I do something because I want people to see that I am still living a life and that it is a good life with good people- and I am thankful you are one of those good people in my life.But my primary reason for sharing those things is because I want a record of my adventures, something I can easily go through and see all the incredible moments and people I have in my life when I begin to feel down heartened about where I am at the moment. I don’t post lots of photos so for likes, but so that I have a record of what I have been up to and that I can share it with you and you be a part of it, even if you weren’t there. Other technology I am thankful for is the television as part of CFS is that I struggle to concentrate on things for long periods of time, so TV requires minimal concentration and passes the time when I am resting my body. I am not lazy, if I was able to be out when I am on the sofa, more often than not I would whole heartedly choose to be out but I need to rest and I am learning not to feel guilty when I am resting. For some people, chilling in front of the television all day sounds like a dream, but please don’t make comments like that to me because for me- it’s not how I would like to be living as where you dream of that I dream of adventure and for the days I can spend a whole day out with friends instead of a mere couple of hours. This is one comment that people sometimes make that is difficult for me to respond to as I am lucky that I don’t have a busy schedule, but being involuntarily idle is stressful in itself for me. Please don’t judge me for having to spend lots of time at home doing mindless activities- it is dull and exceedingly lonely but it does make me all the more grateful when I am well enough to be out and being with you.

I know that when I see you, our time is short but that isn’t because I don’t enjoy your company or that I have grown bored of our conversations. I am tired constantly and where socialising for you may not require much energy, it requires all of mine to walk and chat and laugh and concentrate on the conversation so I don’t miss bits- and I want you to know that you do have my full attention. I can’t always make it out to be with you, but I love it when you come to me so that I don’t have to use up energy travelling or waiting around. But if I can come out I will arrange to be out with you because that’s always more lovely to be out in the world, enjoying creation and life with you.

You are kind and considerate and try and help me in the best ways that you can, even if sometimes they are not the most helpful of ways. One of the things that can be difficult is for you to fully understand how I am feeling because, thank God, you aren’t struggling with it. I ask that you please don’t tell me about how to manage my illness or how if I change my diet I will be magically healed, or how theres new cures with lotions and things. Some of these things may or may not improve my symptoms, but they won’t make me better. Tell me how you’re praying or thinking of me, how you’re there if I need to talk or that you’ll drive me home if I’m too tired to get the bus. Tell me that I’m not my illness and that you know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s often difficult for you to know what CFS is because it is personal to the individual and is a description diagnosis; there isn’t a test that you can take to easily confirm it, which is why the diagnosis process is so long. Here are a couple of explanations that people have said to me that have resonated and will hopefully clear the air a little with what is actually wrong with me 1) Imagine you have had a long day at work which leaves you physically, emotionally and spiritually tired. Then imagine that when you wake up from a full night of sleep, you still have that overhanging tiredness and your body has all the aches and pains it gets when you catch a cold or the flu. 2) When you go to sleep, you recharge your batteries and then have a full bar of energy to use throughout the day. When I sleep, my batteries charge very little or not at all so I have to use my energy wisely. 3) Fatigue is different to tiredness. Tiredness goes away, fatigue clings onto you and drags down your physical and emotional capabilities. 4) It’s like having an old lady inside the body of a teenager/young adult. You can’t race around like a loon and need naps on a regular basis. Personally, I am lucky and grateful that compared to many who suffer from CFS/ME I do not suffer severely. I go out several times during the week, I am still able to study at college (part-time student) and I do odd job around the house. I do the same things that you do but on a much smaller scale. My symptoms include: • Fatigue • Achy and painful muscles (typically thighs, legs, backs of shoulders and back) • Difficulty concentrating for long times • Difficulty sleeping • Dizzy spells • Difficulty controlling body temperature On a good day, I will wake up with mild aches in my muscles and despite feeling drained and exhausted, I am able to get myself ready and be out for a morning/afternoon/evening with a couple of rest breaks in between activity. On a bad day, I will be exceedingly achy and will have to take painkillers to try and numb it slightly. I will take a long time to get ready as it will require most of my energy and I shall get downstairs and have to spend the day on the sofa doing very little. Most of my days are in between and make me thankful when I am having a bad day where I need to rest, that I’ve had a good days and that there are more to come. I may or may not ever recover completely from this- it is a permanent illness and is disabling in its own right but I don’t view myself as having a disability, I just take a little longer to complete a lot of activities. I hope that your opinion of me stays to how I was when I was ‘well’(or how it was before the CFS became publicly noticeable) and that you don’t give me any label to do with my illness but label me as a friend, a colleague, a mate, a partner, child of God or however you view me. I haven’t shared these details for sympathy because that isn’t particularly helpful, but I so desperately want to be honest and not have to hide my pain when I’m not having a brilliant day and I hope you will continue to love and support me, as you always have.

I’ve thought long and hard about ways that are helpful for me so here are a couple of ideas if you’re struggling with the right things to say or do, if you want to support but there is never any pressure for you to! Please remember that I don’t expect anything as you don’t expect anything from me but these are just some useful things I have found and appreciate greatly. Drop me a message every once in a while; ask how I am. I may be truthful or I may cover up how I am feeling but having someone check up on you is a reminder that you are loved and cared for and is deeply appreciated in its simplest form. Don’t be offended if I suddenly have to cancel our plans, I would love to be there but I will be having a bad day and it will frustrate me that I will have let you down. Please continue to invite me to stuff though, even if you don’t think I will be able to make it- I will often make it a priority to be at and even the invite is appreciated enough. Please be considerate if I have to leave early, I am not being rude or ungrateful I just need to go and rest so that I can see you again soon. Give me hugs and cuddles when I see you and be an ear if I need to just have a little cry or a laugh or am in need of some advice, as you have always done and as I will continue to do for you. Come and see me if you can, come alone or with a couple of others (please be sensitive not to overwhelm) and we can have times of friendship and fellowship. Skype or FaceTime works too! Encourage me to stay hopeful and to focus on the joy around me. Pray for me- if you’re a prayer: pray for healing; the restoration of my body, for the day I can be well again, for Gods strength and energy to fill me each day, for wisdom to know when to rest and when to work and for a continuous heart of compassion and love towards people. Pray for my family and friends who support me and that God blesses them and grows them into even more of the beautiful people that they are already. Thank God for me and for our friendship- as I do daily.

I love you dearly and you remain in my prayers and thoughts constantly.

[zmutantsspare]

Did you hear that Jasper Ebner just arrived at the mutant underground? I heard the twenty-seven year old is on the run from his anti-mutant twin sister. It’s such a shame it had to come to that, but we’re glad they’re able to bring their decay manipulation to our team, they’re sure to be a great addition to the rebellion. I’ve heard rumors going around that they’re introverted and paranoid, as well as observant and patient. In due time we’re bound to unravel the truth. Will Blight survive the war? 

Name: Jasper Archer Ebner Age: Twenty-seven Gender: Male Sexuality: Male-leaning Demisexual Connections: Mother: Emily Archer (Deceased), Father: Marius Ebner (Unknown), Twin sister: (Role Open for play) Personality:  +Insightful, +Patient, +Compassionate, +Observant, +Gentle-natured -Withdrawn, -Cautious, -Paranoid, -Self-doubting, -Awkward Power: Manipulation and control of decay in both organic and inorganic material. Affiliation: The Mutant Underground Codename: Blight

[History]

Jasper was born one of a set of twins, the first born in fact, with his counterpart being a sister. Their family was a moderately wealthy one initially, due to their father’s gambling habits and then-undiscovered mutant power of pushing luck in his favor. Life was always a series of unsteady ups and downs for Jasper though; his father was an exceedingly cold man who lusted for the sort of image in the eyes of others that his simple beginnings would never allow and his anger was very often turned against those he could rule over in his home. Jasper was always the target of choice, under the belief that as the son of the family it was his job to shoulder burdens and be strong. And there was a great deal to shoulder; both physical and mental abuse were a constant whenever his unstable father’s luck happened to run thin. His mother was a warm spot for him, her kindness towards her children those early years along with the worry that if he didn’t manage to appease their father that anger might turn on his sister marked so much of Jasper’s childhood and cultivated a deep need to safeguard others in him. 

Life tumbled painfully downhill after a series of bad bets left the family bank account nearly dry and their expansive California seaside home estate was drastically downgraded near his seventh year of life. Jasper’s mother took on a local retain job, much to the annoyance of his father, to keep the family on their feet. Time passed sluggish and with it Jasper began to suffer from anxiety without the comfort of his mother to make it more bearable. He plead with her to leave their father, endlessly. Every time she would come close to agreeing the family luck would spin again and things would take a turn for the better, at least in the sense of money. Jasper learned to wait for the good days and choke down the worry that those days would end again.

Somehow he survived it, they all did, and when the money became steady when his father had built his own nightclub to feed his gambling habits in the back rooms Jasper wanted to believe it was finally getting better. But it wasn’t, and by then there was so much damage done; the boy was nervous by nature, uneasy and withdrawn. When one of his teachers began to notice it he begged her not to speak with his parents, knowing how his father would blow up. In a desperate attempt to save himself the backlash Jasper went to his parents suggesting he change schools to something more fitting the family’s once again wealthy status. His father was pleased with the idea and Jasper threw himself into it, terrified that if he didn’t live up to that potential he was going to suffer badly for it 

He couldn’t keep his focus though, as he entered his teens he wasn’t aware of what was starting to bubble up in his genetics and it was throwing his body and mind into an unstable state. As his grades took a dive and the school expelled him Jasper’s father went into an intense rage over the fact; breaking his arm in the process. His mother agreed to seek out a private doctor instead of having to answer questions at the hospital over the clear past signs of abuse in the scars he carried. Jasper was beside himself with the feeling of betrayal and for the first time he lashed out as well. 

Not at his family, no, he simply wanted to get away from everyone at that point. His father had a habit of keeping dogs, massive German Shepherds that were trained to be guards. One his father was very fond of had always been a torment to Jasper, nipping at him and growling, bristling in his presence. When the animal wouldn’t leave him in peace as he hid himself in his bedroom he tried to shove the creature out of the room; not understanding when his frustration sparked that mutant power for the first time as he roughly grasped the animal. The dog collapsed, gasping and shrieking, to his horror even as he tried to help the animal it died in his hands with muddy blood dripping through his fingers, the thick body of the canine all but sinking in on itself. They found him of course when he screamed, his family, but for once his father was too shocked to lash out at him. 

When the vet claimed that the animal was in a terrible state of decay from the inside and that it had to have been dead for weeks Jasper was reduced to numb terror. Even worse, his mother and sister were just as afraid of him and his father was quick to label him off as one of what he deemed ‘those things’ - mutants; and suddenly it was Jasper who became the monster instead of the man who had caused them all such misery. 

After that Jasper tried, time and again, to reassure his mother and sister that he wasn’t going to hurt them. He was very cautious in what he did, but accidents always happened; the flowers in the garden wilted when he sat under the tree where they grew, his own books would brittle and fall apart in his hands when he read them, seemingly anything he came into contact for too long would eventually decay. He grew wary of contact with people, and his family grew just as uneasy around him. His father saw possibilities though and urged Jasper to cultivate his powers, even searched out an obscure source in the city to help him do so. 

It was the only gift his father ever really gave him; under the watchful eye of a stranger Jasper learned some degree of control, at least enough that he thought he wasn’t dangerous to those around him. But it was a bitter gift; he quickly found out his father wanted him to harness his powers in order to use them against his own gambling debits and people who owed him money. 

Horrified with the thought, Jasper refused outright, defying his father for the first time. Something strange had happened though; where he once had been afraid to even speak he discovered that his father stepped back, angry but more uncertain of the strange power in his son’s chilly touch. It was an incredible victory; Jasper finally could breathe. But it carried a price; his mother turned a pained eye towards him and he realized why; she saw him turning into the sort of person his father was. He wasn’t, there were miles of difference between the two of them but all she saw was the decay in her son, the things she could not understand. 

Heartsick over it, Jasper offered to leave; just short of his eighteenth birthday he was set to graduate high school and he thought if he went away for a while maybe the tensions would settle. The three years he spent in college, pursuing art as a major and indulging, freely, the pleasure he took in photography, were good for Jasper. He kept his powers hidden, he kept distant from his peers out of necessity, and he kept trying to mend the wounds in his family. He grew more steady, found some comfort in therapy and tried to build a life for himself.  Everything collapsed with a desperate phone call from his sister. 

They had discovered him, he found out soon after the fact that his therapist was working for Sentinel Services to weed out potential mutants and Jasper had said too much. His sister’s tearful words sent him racing back home only to find it in chaos. They had already taken his father after suspecting him of being a mutant, a fact that left Jasper sick knowing he had likely inherited that part of himself from the man. His sister welcomed him back sobbing, claiming that she wasn’t certain of the state of their mother and only knew that the people who had come wouldn’t release her until he turned himself over to them.  The world fell apart for him in that moment and Jasper agreed; he had heard the horror stories of what happened to mutants. He had seen the news, had been so careful to hide his own mutation as he’d learned to control it; he knew what would likely happen if he gave himself up. But there was no other choice, not to him. 

It seemed impossible that the pain could  have gotten any worse, the fear run any higher, but Jasper had one last heartbreak to face before it was over. When they arrived at the building where he knew his freedom would be taken from him the people who greeted them spoke high praise to his sister. Jasper felt the gnawing shock of an ugly truth as it was explained to them; his mother had died in the initial raid on the house and his sister had known. Her hatred of mutants had grown from the rift his mutation had caused in the family, the fear of her own brother had turned every mutant into a monster in her eyes and seeing their father as one as well had only confirmed it. She blamed him for the death of their mother, for the abuse the woman had suffered in his absence as their father had remained cruel; Jasper hadn’t used his power to protect them and it made him even more vile.  If only he had done the right thing, registered himself, gotten treatment instead of hiding, she wouldn’t have had to agreed to turn him in. 

Everything broke inside him; Jasper only felt numb and empty. When they came to collect him he reacted, laying several people to waste in front of his terrified sister before he bolted, unable to look back. 

Since that night roughly four years have passed and Jasper has never fully recovered. The intense anxieties he felt as a child and the panic attacks have plagued him, he has withdrawn from people and come to accept that he truly no longer knows if he’s fated to be a good person or will fall into decay like his sister insisted he will. He’s traveled a great deal, the longest he ever settled was a little longer than a year in New Orleans, but nothing ever lasted. Every time he found a quiet spot it wouldn’t be long before he’d discover his sister back on his trail; she had become an avid anti-mutant presence and was determined to find him.  He doesn’t really want to be a part of the resistance, he only wants peace and time to live what remains of his shattered life; but there’s nowhere safe now and if he’s fated to carry that ruin in his blood maybe he can prove to himself he can make something good of himself in the end.