#mainly bc im dealing with my own physical health
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A little rant bc yea...
So basically...i just started this new job and i'm already looking to quit lol. Mainly because i start in a new college in January and i'll most likely be full time. So i have to make that my priority and not a retail job that pays little to nothing. Anyways that being said, i'm sick of working in retail. I've done it off and on again for a few years and i'm so sick of it.
I'm sick of dealing with rude customers, i'm sick of dealing with flip floppy schedules, im tired of being told to do more work than whats in my job description. I'm sick of it lol. I feel bad for having to cut my hours cause my manager relies on me to be an opener but im simply not gonna have the time or energy to do that after this month.
I know i still need income coming in and eventually once i get settled into my college stuff, i want to do remote work or even administration work but its unnecessarily hard to get into that shit unless you have some referral from someone. Yes yes, i know networking is important but i live in a place where its hard to network if you're not trying to get into the health field. So honestly...i'm probably just gonna rely on pet sitting apps/websites like Rover for a while since you can make your own schedule and all that stuff. I might even try to take some time out to start really focusing on writing books but i know i won't see money from that for a long while.
Idk...i'm just soooo over having to settle for shit for shitty pay. There is simply no way i can live off of what i'm making now and i'm only staying at this job for this month and a little bit of next month to get a few paychecks in my bank account before i dip out. But if anyone has any advice or remote jobs they could lead me to...i would greatly appreciate it! (Of course i know entry level ones are gonna be customer service which is fine but physically...i'm sick of going into work and doing retail.)
#lavnder rants#i've asked this before on here like a few years ago#but i really need to start planning long term and retail simply isn't it for me#and thats okay#hoping my bachelors degree helps me get a far better paying job#remote work#job hunting
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dive into the dark | shawn mendes
chapter 11/?, university au, shawn x goth oc
AN: sry for the delay summertime depression has come with a vengeance lulz have some angsty comfort
***let me know if you wanna be added/removed from the taglist
masterlist | playlist
“There once was a boy named Shawnie, destined to be a star.”
Why was that the last straw? Why was a photo of Stella, Shawn, and Camila dressed as Hogwarts students at a Halloween party the thing to send Annalise spiraling? What about that measly little Instagram post possessed Annalise to text her former shrink at four in the morning?
It’s not like she wanted to go to any of the stupid parties on campus. In the past, she and Patrick would hang out in a cemetery and be with the dead. Yes, she gave in to those goth stereotypes sometimes too. Annalise justified it by claiming she was celebrating Dia de los Muertos. This year, however, she just stayed in the dorm by herself, her own Hogwarts outfit sitting in her closet, making no noise and pretending it doesn’t exist. She was alone long enough for everything to come down on her, and the photo of her friends and not-boyfriend all but broke her to pieces.
So on November first, Annalise found herself in Callie’s office. It wasn’t hard getting herself to go there; Therapy had been a constant in her life for a year, and she missed it. She knew she had things to get off her chest, but it stalled when she was actually sat in front of Callie, who was quite happy to see her.
“It’s been a few months, hasn’t it?” she said, smiling warmly. ���Where were we the last time you were here?”
Annalise shrugged. “I had exams going on, and I was picking out classes and a dorm for the next semester.”
“Right. And you’re in between classes now if I remember from your text. So all that went well, I assume?”
“Yeah. Still in school. Still working.”
Callie nodded. She hadn’t written anything on her clipboard yet. “I don’t mean to pry, but I also heard you were in the hospital for a bit?”
“Did Shawn tell you that?” Annalise’s polite tone changed. “He’s always telling everyone my business.”
Surprisingly, Callie wasn’t bothered by the sudden mood change. “I believe you told me over text. We had to pause our sessions because you were in recovery.”
“Oh. Oh yeah. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get all snappy.” She went red.
“It’s alright. So, would you like to talk about what happened in the hospital?”
That was all the first session was: hospital talk. Annalise knew this story like the back of her hand, but it was less annoying telling it again because Callie already knew the stuff about the pre-existing health problems. It’s on reason why Annalise started therapy in the first place.
“Now, whenever my mom or dad call me, a majority of the conversation is about what I’m eating,” she explained. “Or what I should be eating. And Shawn constantly reminds me not to skip meals. I know I’m sick, but it gets so annoying sometimes. I know my body, and I know what I’m feeling.”
“Okay, hang on,” Callie said, holding up a hand to stop her. “You refer to yourself as sick?”
Annalise had to think about it. It came out of her mouth, but she never really processed that she was saying it. “Yeah. That’s how my parents always put it since it all started, I guess I picked it up from them.”
“Well, I - and I’m sure plenty of other people - don’t see you as sick. You were in the hospital, you had surgery, and now you’re fine. Ann, if you keep referring to yourself as a sick person, it will have an impact on your mental wellbeing. You are not sick, you have a chronic sickness.”
For some reason, that hit in the very center of Annalise’s chest. If she was cracked from the Instagram photos, then this practically burst the dam. She nodded, processing Callie’s words, but one part stuck out to her.
“I am fine now. It wasn’t a life threatening case, anyway.”
“Well, you did bleed internally after the first surgery,” Callie corrected. “And you had an infection on the incisions after. That’s not nothing. That’s very dangerous, and life threatening.”
“But it wasn’t that bad. They caught it in time, and I don’t even remember what it felt like. Besides, it’s not like I have cancer or anything.” Annalise paused and looked down. “Everything went fine, despite the infections and near death. I’m back to doing what I did before, but I feel… I didn’t die, but it feels like a part of me did.”
Callie now wrote on her clipboard, her pen scribbling being the only sound in the room. Then, she trailed her green eyes over to Annalise. “And it’s okay to feel that way. Putting your life in the hands of anyone, including medical professionals, makes you very vulnerable as it is. Adding surgery to that only adds to the vulnerability, not to mention it is invasive and can be quite traumatizing.”
“Helpless and dependent too,” Annalise added, picking at her nails. “Practically useless.”
“Let’s not say useless, okay? You needed help. You were recovering for surgery, it was for your own wellbeing.”
She shrugged, not exactly agreeing with that statement despite the truth in it. “I just don’t like depending on people.The nurses always pushed me to move on my own without disturbing the incisions, but I could never bring myself to do it. I knew I had to so I could properly heal, but I felt so lazy and weak. I felt like a sack of potatoes, having to be physically moved everywhere.”
There were times Callie would react to things her clients said. This was one of those times. She chuckled and raised her eyebrows. “A sack of potatoes?”
Annalise smiled timidly. “Yeah…”
That settled the homework Annalise was left with. She had to cut the harmful words out of her vocabulary. She was not useless. She was not lazy. She was most certainly not a sack of potatoes.
She felt okay during the session, but as soon as she was back in her car, Annalise felt the weight slam on her chest. As she drove back to campus, she started to remember things that she didn’t even know were in her head. She noticed the difference in a nurse who worked in the day versus the night. One was much perkier than the other. She never saw the same nurse twice during the entire stay. She couldn’t even count the amount of people who lifted up her gown to examine the incisions, much less the people who actually asked if they could expose her like that.
Heart pounding, Annalise moved a shaking hand towards the radio, turning up the volume and letting the sounds of 5SOS soothe her anxious state.
~
Today wasn’t supposed to be spent alone in the apartment, serenading a cat. Shawn loved Henry to bits and pieces, but this wasn’t the lady he was supposed to be spending time with. He appreciated that she didn’t run when he sang. Or shit all over his romantic gesture. She did shit right next to her litter box, though, and that was annoying to deal with.
“I can’t see one thing wrong between the both of us…” he trailed off, strumming his guitar. Then he sighed; That line didn’t age well.
Henry tilted her round head at the sound of the guitar. It was entertaining to watch, but not enough to make Shawn laugh or even smile. She jumped down from the top of the couch cushion and down to the carpet, stretching her limbs before scurrying over to the condo. Shawn watched her and then let his head fall back to the arm of the couch. He strummed an entirely different song.
“Beggin’ to hear your voice… tell me you love me too…”
He nearly fell off the couch when his phone went off, going from zero to one hundred in less than a second. He was still on the waiting game with both work and the live lounge, and the possibility of either of these places calling him back was enough to make him chuck his guitar across the room. He didn’t, though, he just hastily set it down as he answered the phone call without even looking at the ID.
He really should have. Let’s just say, Shawn was George O’Malley, and the voice on the other line was a fucking bus.
“Shawn?”
“Ann?”
A small pause. Then, she spoke very fast, before Shawn could even process what the fuck was happening. “I know we’re supposed to be fighting or not talking to each other, I know I’m supposed to be mad at you - and I still am - but, uh… I… I’m - can we call a truce? Just for an hour or two?”
He almost said yes in a heartbeat, but he caught himself. “What do you mean by truce? What’ll happen during those hours?”
Ann’s hesitation meant that she knew he was talking about the previous check ins. “It’s not like that. I promise. It’s just… something’s kind of happening, and I don’t think I can deal with it by myself.”
“You need to be more specific. What’s going on?”
“I’m in pain. Physical pain.”
Now it was Shawn’s turn to stay quiet. “Oh…”
Needless to say, Ann came over. For once, she was in sweatpants instead of her pajama bottoms. She also had on a black hoodie with the words “Positive Mental Attitude” on the sleeves. Her long, dark hair was down but very unkempt, and her olive skin was looking paler than normal.
The first thing Shawn did was feel her forehead for a fever. Ann made a small noise at the gesture, her brows furrowing.
“Sorry,” he said, taking his hands away. “I was just checking.”
She sighed as she let herself into the living room. “You remind me of my mother more and more every day. Not even a hello, just straight with the touching and worrying.”
Shawn resisted rolling his eyes. Didn’t she understand he did that because he cares? “How come you didn’t just go straight to the doctor?”
“It’s not excruciating,” she replied. “It’s bothersome, and it’s definitely there. But it’s not keeping me from doing anything.”
“Is it the same pain as before? In your abdomen?”
Ann shook her head, growing a little timid. “It’s around my ovaries. Pelvic pain.”
“You period?”
“Already passed. I’ve been feeling this for two days.”
Shawn tried very hard not to flip out. He resisted the urge to grab her by the shoulders and shake her. She’s been in pain for a whole forty eight hours and she hasn’t done anything about it? This is exactly how it happened last time.
“So again,” he said, attempting to sound calm, “why don’t you just go to the doctor? Why are you here of all places?”
Ann had been looking at her hands the entire time. But when she locked her tired eyes with Shawn’s, he knew just how serious and important her next statement was.
“I can’t face the doctor alone.”
“You want me to go with you.” It wasn’t a question. Shawn was just able to pull the words out of her.
“Please?” she asked. “I know things are off right now but you’re the only one I can count on. You’re the only one who’s seen this side of me.”
Shawn would be lying if he said that didn’t tug on his heartstrings. Ann needs him, and she is admitting to that. But one thing stuck out in his mind; She had been asking a lot of him. She asked him for the separation, to be patient with her, and now this.
But it seems like Ann knows how to pull things out of him too. “You said you would make it up to me. This would help.”
Then again, when did she ever ask Shawn for help?
Ann insisted on driving, but Shawn dragged her into his Jeep. She navigated the way to her gyno, bouncing her legs on the way. That was when Shawn noticed that the serious faced, composed-by-nature girl was long gone. When did she lose that part of herself? That fundamental part of who she is seemed to fade away over the last few months, and Shawn was only now catching onto that? No wonder she was so angry at him all the time. It was a cry for help.
“What do you think it is?” he asked her. “The pain?”
“I don’t know. That’s what’s got me kinda worried,” she replied. “I’ve never felt this before. Google said they might be cysts that have to be surgically removed, so I stopped looking.”
Kinda worried? She was scared, scared to the point where she needed someone with her. Meaning, Shawn had to remain calm and collected, despite being worried himself.
“It’s probably nothing major,” he said, still managing to follow the voice from the Maps app on Ann’s phone. “They’ll prescribe you something, and you’ll be fine.”
“That’s what you said last time.”
Shawn took a quick glance at her. She wasn’t exactly wrong. Nothing more was said until Shawn had pulled into the parking lot of the clinic. He shut off the engine and took off his seatbelt, properly turning to face Ann.
“Hey, look at me.”
Slowly, her head turned towards him, like she was hesitating. Shawn wanted to hold her hand or cup her cheek, but it was hard to tell what was allowed her.
“No matter what happens,” he told her, “you will be okay. You will come out of this.”
He stood by her as she spoke to the receptionist. He sat with her in the waiting room as she filled out three different forms on a clipboard. Shawn wondered how she wasn’t confused by any of the questions; He always needed his mom or dad with him at any appointment to help him.
The wait wasn’t long once Ann turned in the paperwork. A nurse called her back, and Ann gestured for Shawn to follow.
“How are you, Ms. Flores?” the nurse asked as she led them down a blank, white corridor.
“Swell,” she replied in a way that did not sound swell.
“Right in here.” She turned the corner and gestured to a small room. “We’re just going to take a little bit of blood. The physician will be right with you.”
Ann silently went and sat in the big chair next to the counter with all the blood taking tools. She sat back like it was second nature. Shawn merely stood against the back wall, unsure of what to do with himself. This room was clearly made for two people, and he wasn’t supposed to be one of them.
Finally, a woman in a white lab coat entered the room, putting on a pair of latex gloves. She smiled warmly. “Let’s get this show on the road! Now which one of you is Annalise Marie Flores?”
“I don’t have a middle name,” Ann told her, very much not on the same level as the perky medic.
She pointed at her. “That was a test to verify your name, and you passed! Now I just need you to verify your date of birth!”
“Twelve. Twenty seven. Ninety seven.” Still not amused, but Shawn was. The two different energies was almost comical.
The physician approached the counter as she got her tubes and needle ready as she continued speaking. “A fellow Capricorn. That’s the best sign. Except I was born on Christmas Eve so my birthday was always overlooked.”
Ann only nodded, visibly disinterested.
“So, which arm are you gonna let me poke?” the physician asked.
“Whichever has the best vein,” she simply replied.
It was like a script Ann had memorized. How many times had she done this in the past?
Shawn looked at the floor as soon as Ann was stuck with the needle. It was a good minute of listening to the physician hum to herself before she finally acknowledged Shawn.
“Here for moral support?”
“Pretty much,” he replied, keeping his eyes on his boots. “She asked me to come, I couldn’t say no.”
“Friendship goals, right there.”
He smiled, despite the pang of annoyance that struck his chest. Was the rift between them that obvious?
“Alright, let’s get a look at your battle wound.” She wrapped up Ann’s arm in cotton and gauze. “So, your results will be ready in a few minutes, and I’ll be back to go over them and see where to go from there!”
“Okay,” was all Ann had to say.
“Thank you,” Shawn told the lady before she left.
Ann let her head fall back against the chair as soon as they were alone. She sighed heavily and closed her eyes. “I liked that lady, she was cool.”
Shawn chuckled. “Yeah, you guys acted like such best friends.”
“Well, at least she knows Capricorns are superior.”
“You act like you’ve never met a Leo.”
For the first time today, Ann cracked a smile. She opened her eyes and looked at him. “I know your act of having your shit together is exactly that.”
Maybe astrology wasn’t all bullshit. Shawn wanted to say something to prove her wrong, but then he would be proving her point at the same time.
“Yeah, well…” he trailed off, making Ann grin even wider.
It was good to see that, so he let it slide.
Another few minutes went by and a different woman in a lab coat entered the room. It was a lady in her 30s, blonde hair, kind but professional face. Her presence made Ann visibly perk up.
“Hello, Ms. Flores,” the doctor said with a smile. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you.”
"Dr. Pacini," Ann greeted. "I didn't think you would be here, I kind of came at the last minute."
"Well, I heard you were here, and I had a look at your blood test results." She stopped herself and placed her hands on her hips, acknowledging Shawn. "Is this the boyfriend you told me about?"
Ann nodded silently.
"Hi," Shawn greeted, holding his hand out. He couldn't ignore the tiny jump his heart did hearing that Ann talked about him.
"Nice to meet you," Dr. Pacini said, shaking his hand. Then she turned back to Ann. "So it's okay that he's in here while we discuss your results?"
"Yeah, absolutely."
The blood test showed that Ann's hormones were completely unbalanced, and apparently that wasn’t anything new. She was very high in testosterone, and that was when Shawn learned that women could actually produce that hormone. What was news to Ann was that she was also anemic and low in potassium. Then they discussed her irregular menstrual cycle (another thing Shawn didn’t know about), and more personal information was taken in. Ann really wanted Shawn here to witness this? She could barely talk about her day without thinking she was oversharing.
"Were there any changes with your birth control?" Dr. Pacini asked.
"I missed some doses when I was in the hospital," Ann replied, suddenly timid. “And a few doses after I was discharged.”
“How many exactly?”
She looked down and mumbled. “Three months…”
"And that is plenty of time for new cysts to form on your ovaries. So if it's alright with you, I'd like to do a pelvic exam and a vaginal ultrasound."
Shawn knew Ann so well that the split second pause meant that this is what she had been afraid of. He finally stepped towards the chair she was sitting in, silently letting her know he was there.
"It's entirely up to you," Dr. Pacini said, "but I strongly suggest it. It would give us the chance to rule out anything serious."
Ann nodded. "Um… do I have to make another appointment and come back another time?"
"No, we can get it all done today."
"Oh-kay, then."
Dr. Pacini led them out of the room and down the hallway. Ann looked at Shawn as they went, anything but masking composure. He placed his hand on the small of her back as they walked into a different observation room.
“So on a scale of one to ten, how intense is the pain?” Dr. Pacini asked.
“About a six,” Ann replied. “I can function, but I can’t ignore it.”
“Got it. So just strip from the waist down, lie down on the chair, and we’ll get started.”
Ann wanted Shawn to sit closer as she was examined, so he did. The only reason why this was weird was because Ann did not like being this vulnerable in front of anyone, even Shawn. That, and she was still apparently fuming from their last fight, yet something about all of this made her reach out to him in need. He played with her hair as he tried yet again to understand the way her mind works.
Dr. Pacini noticed the tiny gesture. “How long have you two been together?”
Not surprisingly, Ann didn’t say anything. She wouldn’t be the one to say they were together at a time like this, pelvic exam aside.
“One year today,” Shawn answered anyway.
“Well, congratulations.” Dr. Pacini smiled.
Ann looked at him, now distracted from what was going on downstairs. “One year?”
“Yeah. November seventh. Took you on a date to the coffee shop.”
“Didn’t think we’d spend our anniversary like this.”
He knew she meant that in more ways than one. Shawn didn’t think he would be here either, hanging onto the tiny thread Ann had provided. And to think he really thought about the idea of considering ending things permanently… He was a sucker for her.
“Okay, my dear,” Dr. Pacini said, sitting up straight. “Onto the ultrasound.”
“Anything weird down there?” Ann asked with a nervous chuckle.
“I did detect some bumps on your ovaries, so I need to get a better look at what exactly those are.” She held up a long, thin… thing. “Just like the pelvic exam, it’ll be uncomfortable but not painful.”
Shawn chose not to look directly at it for more than a second. He kept his eyes on Ann’s anxious face as the ultrasound began. He had so many questions: Was this her first vaginal ultrasound? How many times has she come to see Dr. Pacini in the past? How long was she on birth control? What reproductive disorder did she have that required her to take birth control? Why did they ever use condoms if she was already on birth control?
It took a bit longer to get the results for the ultrasound, making Ann stay hauntingly quiet as she got dressed again. Shawn really didn’t know what to say that wasn’t any of the questions circling his head. When Dr. Pacini came back with the results, she deemed that there were in fact, new cysts forming. However, it wasn’t severe or particularly harmful, so Ann was prescribed a new birth control along with progesterone.
“That’s it?” Ann asked in disbelief. “That’s all I need?”
“That’s it,” Dr. Pacini confirmed. “If the pain persists, or gets worse, then by all means come right back. But it’s quite unlikely given where your pain level is at now. Just give it a few days and remember to breathe.”
Ann took a deep breath. It wavered as she exhaled, making Shawn rub her back.
“See? You’re gonna be fine,” he told her reassuringly.
“As long as you take your pills,” Dr. Pacini said firmly. “These are what will keep your pain from coming back. The birth control will manage the PCOS and the progesterone will help shrink the cysts. You’re usually on top of this, Annalise, can I ask what happened in the last few months?”
She shrugged, clearing her throat. Shawn knew what that meant, and he debated answering for her.
“Being in the hospital didn’t do anything for my mental health, I think,” Ann spoke softly.
Dr. Pacini looked between her and Shawn. He nodded in confirmation, trying not to externally show how much his heart was aching. Of course, the doctor asked to elaborate, so Shawn explained the surgery, the almost-death, and the second surgery. It helped her understand, and it made Ann cry in the observation room.
“I see,” Dr. Pacini said as she nodded. “Post surgical depression is very common. Clinical depression on its own can cause you to not care for yourself the way I know you can. I can’t prescribe you anything because it’s not my area of expertise, but Annalise. Look at me.”
She wiped her face with her sleeve and sniffed, her puffy, reddened eyes meeting the doctor’s.
“You will come out of this.”
The silence was loud as Shawn and Ann left the clinic. Ann read the papers Dr. Pacini had given her over and over, brows scrunched in concentration. She only stopped to get back in the car and put on her seatbelt, clearly eager to get the hell out of here.
“You made it out okay,” Shawn gently told her.
“I still have to wait and see if the pain will go away,” she grumbled as she shoved the pages into her purse. “Just like last time.”
Shawn looked at her and placed his hand on her shoulder. “Last time was different. I know you’re worried, but it doesn’t mean everything is going to repeat itself. Did you book an appointment with Callie?”
Ann was rubbing her hands together. “Yeah. I saw her last week and I’m going again tomorrow. That reminds me, I need to ask you something.”
“Anything.” Heart: racing.
Shifting in her seat, Ann sighed deeply. “Okay. I don’t expect you to remember, and it’s okay if you don’t, but do you know what antibiotics they gave me for the infection on my incisions?”
That wasn’t at all what Shawn was expecting. Then again, he had no idea what was happening with this girl lately. When did he ever?
He thought for a moment before answering. “I don’t know the name of it. I remember that it was so strong it made you nauseous. The nurses told you not to puke because then you’d be puking up the medicine. Then, they took you off your Prozac and birth control so you weren’t taking in so much at once. The priority was to control the infection.”
The memory was still heartbreaking. Ann, with her sunken eyes screwed shut, frequently wiggling her fingers and toes in an attempt to keep everything down. She didn’t want to be touched or even talked to. When that side effect wore off, it was time for another dose. It was probably torture for her. Shawn remembered telling her he was going to the cafeteria when in reality he just went to cry to his mom or dad over the phone in the bathroom.
Ann tilted her head in thought. “You remember all that?”
“You don’t?” Shawn asked. “You were like that for a good few days.”
The hand rubbing continued. “I guess it’s blocked out of my head because it was so traumatic. Anyway, I just wanted to know…” She inhaled shortly. “Because uh, Callie wanted to pinpoint um, when I stopped taking the Prozac…” She inhaled again, like she was out of breath.
Shawn noticed the sporadic movements and grew concerned. “You okay?”
Ann rapidly nodded her head, despite her short breathing. “Yeah, just… hospital talk. I, I don’t really like it but I have to talk about it. She, uh, she warned me. I’d get really - fuck - uh, the dam burst, basically.”
“It’s apart of the process.” Shawn nodded, remembering his own flood of tears when he did the work of therapy. “Hey, look at me.”
She shook her head, shoulders tense. Her voice came out low and shaky. “I can’t feel my hands.”
“Can I see?”
Her hand was trembling wildly as she shyly held it out to Shawn. He ran his thumb over her fingers, noticing her stubby chewed up nails and the tiniest speck of black polish on the index. Then, he squeezed the pressure point between her thumb and index.
Ann gasped and looked up at him.
“Felt that?” Shawn asked, and she nodded. “See, you’re okay. You’re a strong lady.”
“I’m a strong lady…”
He affectionately rubbed her hand in both of his, offering a smile. He figured it was best to distract from the scary feelings. “Remember what was happening a year ago? I took you out to that coffee shop.”
“I was nervous,” she mumbled.
“Me too. When I picked you up at your dorm, the first thing I noticed was your red eyeshadow and I thought… red is my new favorite color. I also noticed you didn’t wear the black lipstick, and I really hoped it meant that you were going to kiss me.”
Ann was already blushing from the anxiety attack, but she breathed out a tiny laugh. “I really wasn’t. The nude lip was because we were going to eat…”
“Well, I like to think that you wanted to kiss me. And you did in the end, even after you said you don’t kiss on the first date.” Shawn was tickling the palm of her hand now, running his fingers over every line.
“It was a ‘fuck it’ moment…” Ann was watching his fingers move, like it was helping her focus.
“It’s probably one of my favorite moments with you. Because then I got to know the most amazing, strongest, badass lady I’ve ever seen, and I got to call her mine.”
_______
taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @1-800-khalid-mendussy @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @poppyshawn @shawnsunflower @someoneunimportantxx @ruinhoney @shawnvvmendes @calyumthomas @yourdeflightfullyleft @havethetimeeofyourlifee @shawmndes @wronglanemendes @chillingbythesea @softmendesss @mutuallynotmutual
#shawn mendes#shawn mendes fanfic#shawn mendes imagine#shawn mendes blurb#shawn mendes smut#shawn x goth gf#ngl i cried way too much at this shit#mainly bc im dealing with my own physical health#n tryin not to let my mental health deteriorate bc of it#this SUCKS man#im so tired n sad i want it to be over#just diagnose me or imma hackout my stomach#anyways thx for reading :))))
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alexithymia
this is a thought that i’ve been nursing since S1 EP5 and i think Shou Yi’s emotional disorder could be alexithymia
alexithymia is a sort of... ‘emotional blindness’
according to wikipedia (and some other articles i read, can't find the links for reference bcs i read such a long, long time ago lol), alexithymia is the inability to identify and describe emotions experienced by one's self or others. mainly, the person is emotionally unawareness and detached when it comes to social and interpersonal relations. also, they may have difficulties distinguishing and appreciating the emotions of others, which is thought to lead them to be non empathetic and give ineffective emotional responses. instead, these emotions manifest into physical responses like having an stomachache bcs anger wasn’t expressed properly, sth like that
that is to say, they have their own feelings but they just don’t really understand them so they can’t express it or experience it in an emotional capacity. in some people, they don’t express it at all. so, in relationships, the question that is usually asked is ‘does my partner feel anything?’/’does my partner actually love me?’
which is such a Pei Shou Yi thing tbh
he’s always shown to be indifferent to Shi De and Shu Yi’s emotions. he doesn’t care if he exposes his cousin’s love for Shu Yi. he does feel, as shown by his negative reaction to the noodle being eaten & how he was upset that Shi De still didn’t confess (Ep4) but he doesn’t dwell on it or identify it, he just... moved on from it and teased Shi De. he does carry his resentment for Shi De because he & Shu Yi ate the noodle but he just... didn’t clarify anything (Ep5). and the way he just interrupted Shu Yi & Shi De when they were starting a discussion about Shi De going to the States (Ep6).
Shou Yi is capable of feelings. we’ve seen his facial expressions, his longing, his loneliness. he just... struggles with understanding his own emotions and expressing them properly and he’s a little shit that doesn’t really understand social cue.
so yeah... alexithymia, i THINK
(im not a mental health care professional but uh, yeah... do tell me if i wrote sth out of line)
full circle
i think we’re all excited to see that Shu Yi & Shi De will be having another kiss scene in the pool. well, im fckn excited as fck and i hope this is after they settle the internal issues of their relationship (the misunderstanding, the secrecy, the revenge plot)
u see, i’ve always believed that there are 2 factors that can impact a relationship: internal (communication, personality, emotional security, etc.) & external (career, family, financial security, etc.) and im hoping that they solve whatever misunderstand and miscommunication between themselves FAST. ik communication is difficult and that these boys are particularly terrible at it but fingers crossed for healthy & communicative relationship for the 2nd half of the season and they kick ass and take names together!
if they do resolve their internal issues by the time they kiss in the pool again... then it’ll be a full circle. the pool is the beginning and the end for them: their love story began in the pool and it’ll be set into stone in the pool.
also, the fact that the color palette of their clothes switch!!! Shi De in light clothing while Shu Yi's in dark clothing at the beginning of their love story and by the second pool kiss, they're in each other's colors! this could be them fully understanding each other and seeing from one another's perspective! (again, probably just me looking too much into things again lol)
actually, i want them kissing & making up by the beginning of EP3 so that we can have the rest of the season of them dealing with adult life stuff... like their work and Shu Yi’s dad.
and yes, im still hoping for a marriage proposal on the bridge. or an extremely intense emotional declaration on the bridge. and i want it to be the same fckn bridge. just imagine Shu Yi or Shi De turning to each other, palm sweating, a velvet box in their hands because ofc their proposal coincide somehow and they end up proposing to each other asfghjkldi
@tipsyjaehyun & i agree that there should be an S3 and that it should be entirely focused on Shu Yi/Shi De’s wedding planning shenanigan's lol
and lemme be selfish and put it out there that i want a spin-off for Bing Wei/Zhe Yu and Shou Yi/Zhen Xuan
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this post exists, in a roundabout way, because @adachi-stan was once again enabling me by asking for my opinion lol
im endlessly flattered that u want to know what i think
#wbl#wbl: no1 for you#wbl系列影集第一季#WBL系列影集#wbl: fighting mr. 2nd#wbl: no. 1 for you#we best love#we best love series#we best love: no 1 for you#We Best Love: No. 1 For You#we best love: no.1 for you#we best love: fighting mr. 2nd#no1 for you#n1fy#fighting mr second#fighting mr.2nd#fighting mr. 2nd#fm2#wbl musing#noona96n#mine#we best love: no. 1 for you#gao shi de x zhou shu yi#gao shi de#zhou shu yi#pei shou yi#yu zhen xuan#pei shou yi x yu zhen xuan
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Have you ever thought that maybe ur more sick than u think and maybe it’s actually u that’s the issue… might be something to think about
OK SO i hav a million asks in my inbox but this 1 is so beyond ignorant & passive aggressive for quite literally no reason bc why are u so invested in my life for…? lmao.
have u ever thought that maybe u don’t actually know me or anything that’s going on in my real life.. whether it is the shit that i am currently going through (which is numerous forms of abuse by my parents) or all of the things that have happened in my past.. im talking about in REAL LIFE. bc this is the internet.. a literal blog site where i randomly type things whenever im either really heated or bored as shit. n that’s rare now. this year n probably last year too i posted rants like.. give or take, every like… 3-6 months (if that). so u either got this whole image, ideology & ‘persona’ of me from a blog site.. or the very very few sporadic Insta stories i post which are mainly songs i like, memes or funny vids reposted? lmao.. i don’t post on my own Insta anymore. i literally only use youtube or zeus network now & i actually hav a private tumblr that only i can see. this 1 doesn’t get used, u must hav missed wen i posted about that :(( anyone who knows me/has known me irl.. or has been following me for a while knows that im a very open person.. & ive been open for YEARS on this dumb ass blog (which clearly ur privy too… bc u read my posts n lurk my page lmao 🫠)the whole “have u ever thought that ur ‘more sick than u think” is such an ignorant fucking statement. like.. i know exactly what is ‘wrong’ w me & im actually perfectly fine as long as i do not get triggered by certain people in my environment (which is the issue at hand among others with that same individual & other family). as ive aged & gone through so much these past 5/6 years i have grown & evolved so much as a person that whatever ‘persona’ you seem to have of me being ‘sick’ doesn’t exist today… unless you’re referring to my physical health issues? then yes ive been sick these past 2 weeks & do get ‘physically sick’ quite often due to my chronic severe physical health conditions.
ive been more than transparent (probably too transparent tbh) on here as well as my Instagram for many many years about my mental health issues + physical health issues. all of my conditions/disorders are chronic conditions that i have to live & deal w for the rest of my life.. so things like 4eva tryna find the right treatments for EVERY condition, spending thousands on operations, doctors, specialists, hospitals, medications that don’t work or give you awful side effects, meds that do work but cost hundreds, meds that are addicting with no warning from the doctors ect ect but the biggest thing of all is simply just tryna function each day like a normal human being whilst being in a very toxic environment with zero support, love or care from those who are supposed to nurture & protect you. so yeah sometimes i do get fucking angry, frustrated n upset about that shit n just wanna rant on here about my feelings. there are certain things i share on here wen i hav no one else 2talk too.. im an only child & hav gone thru sm shit with past ‘friends’ & exs in such a short amount of time i could truly write a whole book or movie script on it all. but instead i write things on here. it made me go absolutely crazy then turn into a total paranoid recluse. it was a soul destroying experience but one of the most powerful life lessons to be able to learn. it made me who i am today n changed me completely.
BUT- n real life tho.. you really do not know my situation.. you do not know me.. & you do not know what i deal with on a daily fucking basis. id love to see u try n live even jus a day as me irl...u would 100% neck urself before the day was even over. im not stupid.. i research everything when it comes to my conditions & diagnosis’s. i also studied psychology & did a major in forensic psychology while doing a bachelor of law & justice. ive studied the DSM-5, done every kind of therapy & treatment plan you can imagine. ive been in treatment since i was like 11/12. i understand myself very well. the mental health conditions that i have are a direct result of childhood trauma & several kinds of abuse by my parents from childhood all the way up to now.. if u are that interested in me & my life then perhaps u should google all of those conditions & do some research on them to gain a better understanding of the hows, why’s & whats. that’s called knowledge baby, u should gain some🖤 & perhaps u should consider going straight to the actual source… whatever it is u wanna know, just ask me.
what’s super interesting is that i took my tumblr link off my Insta a long time ago so it’s like bro.. did you just memorise my tumblr name so u can keep coming back to the page to lurk then send me a sassy little message to jab at me every couple months …. orrrr do you follow me but ur really that pussy that you put ur shit on anonymous? tbh both options are pitiful & just scream.. U A BITCH. people like you are all bark.. n no bite. it’s giving stalkerish fan vibes… this has been going on for like over a year now.. maybe even longer, idek. why not come off ANONYMOUS tho? why not just dm me if u feel so strongly about the issue n are so invested in this shitshow? u seem to hav a lot to say to me n id LUV to hear it! u got some suggestions for me? u got the answers? suggestions for self help books? shiiiiid… we could even talk on the phone if u want? u got FaceTime on yo fone?
if u don’t hav my Insta I’d b happy to giv it to you.. jus send me some asks on anonymous u know how to do that. looking forward to hearing back from u & getting to know u better! hope i quenched ur thirst xxx
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I had a response going to another post but Tumblr ate it and eventually I got tired of trying to rewrite it but I still want to talk about it.
Tumblr has a very strange obsession with mental health issues and validating everyone and those intersect in a particularly awful way. That's not to say I think y'all are faking having mental illnesses or anything. But there's two parts I want to touch on
1) a lot of toxic behavior is encouraged (or at least goes unchallenged) on Tumblr. Yes, "we can't all be neurotypical Karen" but that doesn't mean letting symptoms of your mental illnesses rule your life. You have to put in the work to get better and you can't expect your shitty behavior to just be accepted at face value and everyone to put you on a pedestal just because "we can't all be neurotypical Karen". There's a difference between finding community who understands what you're going through and enabling each other. And unfortunately a lot of "mental health" Tumblr is the latter
2) I just have to say this. Mental 👏 illness 👏 is 👏 not 👏 supposed 👏 to 👏 be 👏 inclusive 👏
There's an absolutely bizarre trend where people are changing the definitions of actual mental health terms to refer to things regular people do and then acting like that makes them mentally ill. It's not dissociation to zone out during class. It's not self harm to "not let your self identify as trans" (yes, I've seen that on this website). Im not trying to be mean to y'all but some of you desperately need to be told that you are not valid. You do not want a mental illness or sypmtoms like dissociation or self harm. If that makes me a gatekeeper then so be it. I'm not obligated to out up with y'all bsing the definitions of psychological disorders.
And I want y'all to understand why this kind of stuff gets my panties in a twist. I'll talk about self harm (obviously tw) since that's what I have the most solid experience with (technically I've dissociated before but it's more accurately probably depersonalization/derealization and very infrequent etc etc).
Anyway, self harm was a very intense part of my life that I struggled with mainly from 14-16ish. Self harm is an addictive behavior because endorphins are released when your body is in physical pain and some people use this as a (bad!) coping mechanism to deal with intense feelings.
The result of this is that I occasionally relapse. That doesn't make me a bad person but it means that self harm is an ongoing struggle for me and likely will be until I eat it. I don't mean that im just chilling in my living room and saying "hmm I haven't cut myself in a while that seems like a fun activity for today". What that means is usually I will have strong impulses to cause harm to my body. This morning I woke up and my first thought was that I needed to rip my skin to shreds. I get vivid mental images of cutting, burning, and other self injurious behavior that I have to actively work against in my day to day life.
Recovery is an incredibly difficult process. And yes I'm very proud of having got this far all on my own. And it gets easier to ignore those impulses the longer you work on recovery. But it doesn't ever really go away.
The tldr of my experience is that life is different for me because I've self harmed. There are extra challenges in my life from that behavior that I will probably carry with me forever.
So that kind of experience is what a term like self harm describes. Of course there are differences in everyone's experience and you're not less valid bc of the severity of injuries but there's an understood definition that self harm is causing physical harm to the self as a coping mechanism, which is often addictive. That is a term that will communicate to my health care providers a general idea of what I've experienced.
Now to the thing that grinds my gears. It absolutely infuriates me when y'all say stuff like "I self harm by procrastinating on my homework" or "I self harm by not drinking enough water" or "putting myself in anxiety inducing situations" or "distancing myself from God". I don't mean to undermine your self destructive behaviors because you deserve help and you deserve to heal. But self harming is a very specific experience and it is not one you know anything about. Self harm is not something anybody who has self harmed will take pride in. It is steeped in shame and that's something that 99.9% of self harmers have struggled with. People may talk openly about their struggle or be proud of recovery but they're not proud of the self harm itself.
It's not a personality trait. It's not something for you to appropriate for notes or add to your description to be edgy and cool. It's not something for you to use to add to your victim complex. Call your behaviors self destructive or maladaptive but don't call them self harm when you've never actually experienced self harm.
#elliot.txt#self harm tw#this is okay to rb/comment on/etc#but if you add 'anyway i self harm by not drinking water fuck you op'#or any variant of. your will be blocked immediately
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sofia carson, 21, she/her —— hey, did i just see ACACIA walking around the block? i hear they’re from the RIVERA FAMILY and they’re a CHILD who does COLLEGE until they move out. they always look like they’re hiding something…but they’re so BENEVOLENT sometimes i wonder how they can be CYNICAL. they certainly can’t be hiding HER EX IS STALKING HER, can they? [laurel, 22, est, she/her].
ok sorry to freak some of you out but i’m still here ?? and thriving ?? i needed to drop teddy for muse reasons & i really feel like i did him in justice on a few things and i just couldn’t let my nonexistent muse for him bring down my muse for all my characters and this rp ?? teddy will always be here in my heart though and if at some point i feel the need to bring him back i won’t hesitate !! anyways enough of the sappy here is acacia who was a muse of mine from YEARS ago & i just couldn’t help but bring her here!! more about her is under the cut & i would LOVE to plot all the things with you all with her!!
so listen this butthole !!! wow i love her sm im literally so excited
ok so middle child ?? yes definitely
she was definitely the quietest one in the house by far. she was quite kind and gentle growing up esp bc max and val were rather louder personalities. she kinda stood in the background and scrapped by but was always there to like help anyone she could
like when she was a kid she played w a nurses kid and not barbies lol she wanted to take care of people SO BAD
it was definitely because when she was younger she had a lot of health problems ?? like she was a solid month and a half premature which delayed her speech and gave her a speech impediment that she went through therapy to get out of. which in turn just made her not talk much ??
that changed for a little bit though. all throughout middle school she had a small group of friends and was still just the innocent lil child she always was right
enter her sophomore year of high school and wow she really likes this boy ??? and this boy likes cheerleaders ?? and suddenly she cares what boys thinks so she tries out for the team and makes it !!!
except not good (trigger warning: physical, emotional, & verbal abuse) she ended up dating said boy until she graduated high school. he was not a very nice guy and got her into some shit but a boy loved her so it was so fine (in her mind??? boy was she wrong) he abused her rarely and then it became frequently but it was mainly verbal and emotional ?? yea she had some scars and bruises but it really took a toll on her mentally and she had sex with him and she didn’t love that and she tried drugs for him (more on that later) and kinda started dressing differently for him and pretty much changed everything about the good little innocent girl for him
and right after she graduated shit came out that he had been cheating on her a lot throughout their relationship and what not ,, they broke up because he was leaving halston on a sports scholarship & it just wouldn’t work
and all of that was very much hidden from literally anyone in the outside world. if someone wasn’t the two of them, they literally looked like the ideal couple. she ESPECIALLY hid that from her family because ?? her family definitely didn’t need to deal with her issues on top of their own
speaking of her family don’t fuck with them she’ll cut a bitch. stomp on her all you want but BOI touch a rivera and sleep with both eyes open
anyways all of her years of living such a double life and literally hiding what happened to her and who she turned into be (she frequents drugs down because it calms the anxiety and ptsd she has from her relationship ; she sleeps around some just because sex literally has no meaning to her ; etc.) pretty much took a toll on her. at home she’s great at a fake smile and pretending she is still pure and innocent but really she doesn’t even know who that girl is from six years ago. she doesn’t exist
her ex didn’t start stalking her until a few months ago ??? like he’s not back in halston but he failed out of college (imagine that a shitty person getting his karma) and he pretty much just sends her threats because she wont move to where he is ? like she finally has some balls. unfortunately at this moment its because of her family and not because she thinks she deserves better but hey thats what character development is for
anyways i’m sorry this is so long she’s literally an old muse that i literally played for 2 days i just !!!! needed her!!! also any wc are below:
a ride or die -- this person probably knows some of what happened to her like maybe that they fought frequently but not the extent of what happened
any friends tbh i really dont think she’s made enemies
a fwb -- she’s probably only ever had one of these in her life ??
a dealer -- listen someone who can keep her lil habit a secret
literally anything ?? like wow anything im so game for it
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Why Play Video Games? (Results from Twitter)
Original Post: “I am doing a project on the effect of video games & why people choose to play video games (in general or why they choose to play specific games). If you guys could weigh in or just simply share to reach more people so that I can get a better perspective that would be great! Ty”
Name: Diven “I play video games to forget my boring life aha, video games make me feel happy.. I feel so much emotions when im playing like idk I adore it ! Oh and also I really think video games help me with my mental health ;; when I was in depression it really helped me a lot” Name: Alexander / @Dakota_ACNH “For me, any single player game that you can play at your own pace with no time limits is what I prefer. I think this is mostly because of the huge amount of anxiety and stress that deadlines bring irl for me, and feeling a little more in control is nice...” “So a lot of open games like Minecraft, animal crossing and Stardew valley where you can pick for yourself are good examples here” Name: Cat / @cannedlotion22 “I play because constantly having to be in reality is difficult, especially with this quarantine happening. Good luck on your paper !” “Project* also to be specific, I play ACNH because it has goals to finish at my own pace so I’m not weighed down by the pressure to finish at the same speed as everyone else.” Name: breanna / @strange_esque “To escape the harsh reality of sadness that I live in” Name: Bella / @ACBellaIsland “I play RPGs mostly & picky about which ones I do play. I don’t like futuristic settings. I love Skyrim, The Witcher III, AC Odyssey, excited for AC Vikings. I’m an introvert/antisocial so I prefer games where I don’t have to interact with people too much.” Name: Tonya / @ACNHAcorn “I actually started playing as a toddler. My parents were/are big gamers in both video games and things like D&D, so it has just always been a piece of my life!” Name: Katie / @KatieACNH1 “i play video games because if they’re virtual worlds or kinda 1st person games i think it’s fun to imagine living in a different world as a diff person. like since i was little i played virtual world games and always imagined what itd be like if it was real life” “that past description was ass lol but i think u get the point. i also just think theyre fun/engaging when theres nothing else to do” Name: Dakota / @StormAlongIsle “Ive always liked games but I really started playing a lot of rpgs and such when I got into highschool as a coping mechanism bc of mental health trouble...mostly rpgs bc I like that kind of escapism I guess? Hope that helps, and good luck with your project!” Name: Annabel / @ACNHAnnabel “I first played skyrim during the last year of high school because I got really lonely & depressed. For years openworld rps were my how i coped, but since university & making new friends it’s now more of a hobby & I play for fun with friends!” “I played loads when I was a kid (mario pokemon etc) but i grew up & moved on. It was only until I had a bad year that I went back to them as a teenager. Yes it was bc of depression BUT it was ultimatly a good thing bc i found something i love! You can use both my name and handle!” Name: @UmamiACNH “I talk about this a lot with my therapist! As I've aged, games have filled in pockets of what I actually needed in my life. Adventure? WoW. Building? Minecraft. Farming? Stardew Valley. Now that I actually do a good deal of woodworking & farming, those needs are met.” “If you tap into aspects of what you love in games, it creates a good blueprint for what you want IRL, hence why we now have a small farm. I'm highly anxious and need to be able to modify my environment & control food supply to feel secure- so my lifestyle works well for me” Name: Millie / @ACNH_Tahiti “I’ve played Animal Crossing and The Sims for as long as I can remember. It was games me and my 3 sisters would always play together. As I’ve grown up (especially during this time now) I have very low days and games are where I find comfort and can escape from reality for a while.” Name: @tsuncake “Back when I was severely clinically depressed, I played video games as a way to escape my reality and depression. It was an escape from how exhausted I felt, and I didn't have to do things that were tiresome or draining to me.” “Nowadays, I'm medicated and doing much better, so I now play video games either because my friends are playing them--so I use them as an opportunity to socialize. Or, like ACNH, I play them either due to nostalgia or the ability to create things via the game.” Name: Mary / @maryplaysacnh “Honestly they’re therapeutic to me!! That and a good time filler or for multiplayer games to connect with people!!” Name: Liv / @ACNH_MargIsland “i was never into video games growing up, but when i met my boyfriend he played (COD, FIFA, Assassins Creed, etc.) so i got into it as a way to connect with him. now we play together (& get very competitive) so it’s a way for us to connect/bond and be entertained“ Name: Kirie / @ThatsKiwie “I started playing video games bc my dad bought an N64 and my mom learned German while playing Pokémon silver. MMOs where a way for me to talk to other people bc I had no friends IRL and was bullied. So playing games was a way to distract myself from my loneliness, I think. Face with tears of joy” “As I got older it changed and now I play games bc it's fun be in another world and make my own story. Also I used it to take a break from IRL and relax.” Name: Amy / @AmyOfEroda “I really dislike combat games, I’m way too anxious for that! I much prefer games like Sims or Animal Crossing where you can just create and explore. It’s relaxing and satisfying to me!” “I mainly play animal crossing because im not mentally strong enough to just sit and deal with my thoughts and emotions, i like to always be busy doing something so animal crossing is perfect” Name: Barry / @ACNH_Cape_Sable “I've played pleeenty of video games, but during college I racked up about 2.7k hours in TF2. source engine games in general feel like home to me, I sometimes feel like I understand the physics in those games better than irl day to day physics.” “one of the things that sticks out to me about tf2, source engine games, and lots of other games is expressiveness. just using crouch and where your character is looking, you can express frustration, excitement, bellicosity. all kinds of stuff you wouldn't expect!” “I could ramble for a long time about immersion and audio in video games, too, but I don't wanna clog your feed. feel free to dm if you'd want to talk more, I truly love thinking about this shit.” Name: @SickCrxssing “they allow me to feel emotions disconnected from my irl reality, and also as someone OCD it allows me to focus my attention freely and without judgement or distraction when times get hard“ Name: Rei / @Amestris8 “I play just bc I canMan shrugging they’re available to me so I play them. No other reason! Do they help with boredom? Yes. When overwhelmed? Ofc. But the reason I play them isn’t some addiction, it’s just cause I can“
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contaminated land insurance quote
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BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :insuranceforcheap.info
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