#made my entire week

[riddlingabout]

I give you a fish with leaves as finns

With stickers on the tank! A gift for ya

sooooo i saw this before i fell asleep last night

i was NOT doing well

and this had me so emotional, i saved it to all my devices and folders and happy cried

ily cloudi, you mean the world to me and i'm blessed to know you <3

[aryomengrande]

Rara.

you are so talented, beautiful, and just so sweet, I am so glad I commissioned you and I promise I will get more after my minfushiu one because the way you draw is just so homey and I feel the love you put in your pieces, I hope you know that tumblr would not be the same without you!!!!

hello minx i hope both sides of your pillow is always cold and that your bank account is always full and that you and mr. minx are always happy and healthy dskheuuuhhh huhuhu heahhuaheeughhh

[glittermutt]

the tags today.. i love u all so MUCHHH GRAHH

[jackpiastri]

let me paint the picture here real quick despite the fact that no one asked:

monday and tuesday, i went out to kayak and camp in the wilderness (stockholm archipelago) with my classmates; something i had been terrified of doing ever since day one in school because 1. im no outdoors person (unless you count going on walks all by myself while listening to screaming meals). 2. ive never been in a kayak my entire life. 3. i hate sleeping in tents (i have really bad claustrophobia and can never sleep well in new spaces, not even hotel rooms etc.). 4. we had to do "lifesaving" for our classmates (aka go upside down in the kayak and then climb into it again). 5. even just spending two full days with a whole class of new people and having them see me all vulnerable and stuff was scary as shit.

and the days were good in some ways, but they were also worse than i had imagined in certain ways; the kayaking itself was pretty sweet, and my classmates were kind and everything, but i slept about 3 hours all night (and before that, i hadnt slept properly for weeks either), and had a sunstroke (and had to kayak back to a certain beach despite said sunstroke). needless to say, i was completely exhausted by the time i got into bed on tuesday night.

i lied down and opened tumblr to check my notifs, and saw a tag from my dear favorite clem-lover – a new fic to read, what could be better?

i opened it up, read through the summary and everything and got so happy because it sounded amazing already. and then i kept reading and saw "dedicated to my partner in clement related crime" – and there were tears in my eyes instantly.

yes, i was already emotional and overwhelmed, but that little sentence just warmed my heart in so many ways. i genuinely just thought me being tagged in it was just going to be my regular taglist-tag…. and then being blessed enough to get to read this wonderful piece of art? what a life im living 🥰🥰

so, my dear @lovelytsunoda , the person who first made me truly fall for clement and so many other drivers, who never fails to lighten my days with her lovely fics… thank you so so much for this <333

heart too hot to hold | clement novalak

summary: staying at campus over thanksgiving wasn’t her first choice, but it was a hell of a lot better than a $800 round trip flight back home. over that one week while the campus was empty, she meets clement novalak and a rag-tag group of other holdovers who teach her valuable lessons about life and love

or, yn gets her breakfast club moment

pairing: college!clement novalak x college!reader

warnings: its basically the breakfast club lmao if they all chose to be there instead of being sent there against their will (if romance is not like what andrew and allison had i dont want it, i could go on for hours about how that was the most pure relationship in that movie), this is going to be a long one guys, implied smut at the end but it's not written out.

dedicated to my partner in clement related crime, @httpiastri

the campus felt different with nobody on it.

she stood by the fireplace in the second-floor common room, watching the last few cars leave campus. her own inexpensive second-hand car stayed in its reserved spot, the lot almost empty around it. her parking pass dangled from the mirror behind her yankee candle air freshener to mask the old-person smell that seemed to permeate the mazda when she bought it.

its not that she didn't want to go home for reading week. she really did. she missed her parents and she missed her house, but she simply did not have the budget to buy peak plane tickets to go one province over. if she wasn't scared of her car falling apart before she got there, she was willing to make the six hour drive over the quebec-ontario border, but she just did not care enough.

and that's why she made the decision to stay on campus and take a longer break for christmas. she passed from the fireplace to the kitchen, a mug in hand and a hot cocoa packet tucked into her back pocket. the lack of kitchen in the individual rooms made cooking her own meals quite hard, so she was looking forward to having the second floor kitchen all to herself.

her phone was connected to the common room chromecast, and she was enjoying being able to hear music she actually liked echo around the room.

"mind if i borrow the stove?"

the voice from behind made her jump, hot milk spilling over the counter. she cursed under her breath, reaching to turn off the obnoxiously loud music.

"i didn't realize anybody else was still here. i expected to be the only one." she'd heard most of her floor leave that morning, and watched all the parking lots on campus slowly empty. nobody else should have been there. "go ahead, i was just about done anyways."

the boy nodded, his floppy hair falling around his face. he was wearing a sweatshirt and baggy jeans, a small coffee stain on the collar. "i'm clement, i live on the third floor."

"y/n. second." she said, a little unsure as she wiped up the counter. "you're not going home?"

"nah. i'd never get any work done if i did. i'm too busy."

she snorted, taking a sip of her drink "i'm too poor. a round trip was about $800 for a flight that's just under an hour and a half. i would rather go home for christmas."

clement smiled at her softly. "i get that. do you want anything to eat? it would be a shame just to cook for one."

she peered at his stunning eyes through the fringe that fell over his face. paired with his pleading grin, it was as if the man was giving her the human equivalent of puppy dog eyes.

"yeah, what the hell. but i pick the movie. are you familiar with st. elmo's fire? i watch it every fall."

clement made a face. "never heard of it."

her jaw dropped. "you've never heard of st. elmo's fire? rob lowe, ally sheedy, emilio estevez, andrew mccarthy, demi moore and judd nelson?"

"none of those words mean anything to me."

"it's the movie that made the brat pack!" she shouted. "you have to see it, let me go grab the dvd. don't stop cooking while i'm gone!"

as she started down the hall, she heard clement shout behind her "you still have dvd's?"

"there's a dvd player in every room, almost makes it worth the crappy tv quality."

when she came back, the common room was full of the smell of fried beef, a pot of spaghetti on the stove. clement had taken his sweater off, now sporting a muscle top with the under armour logo over his heart. she paused for a moment, blinking before she walked over to him.

he was hot!

he had even topped up her mug with extra warm milk and some whipped cream. a cutting board next to the stove had a can of tinned tomatoes and a pile of chopped carrots.

"i see someone fancies himself a chef."

"yeah, its a bit of a hobby." he shrugged, a devlish smile on his face. "i'd offer you wine but it's considered contraband and i didn't want my ra confiscating my merlot, so i drank it all."

if this was the breakfast club, she couldn't figure out if he was more john bender or andrew clark. he had bender's devilish charm, but andy's reserved humor. he had a bit of a bad boy streak, but he wasn't a total dick (every time she watches the breakfast club, she becomes more aware of the fact that she would have punched john bender in his smug face already), in fact, clement seemed quite sweet.

there was a knock on the kitchen wall just then, both parties turning to face the newcomer. she was quiet, dressed in a matching sweatsuit and cubic earrings.

"room for one more? i can pay you." her voice was soft. "it saves me making a skip the dishes order. i've missed eating with people."

y/n smiled waving her forward. "come join us! i was just about to put a movie on."

while clement finished up cooking, the girl introduced herself as olivia and the group of three settled on the couches around the tv. olivia seemed sweet, as did clement, and it struck yn that these were people she never would have gone out of her way to try and meet if she had just run into them in the halls.

"woah, who's the dude with the mullet? i know he;'s like, a bad person and all but i'd let him ruin my life." olivia remarked, watching rob lowe's character on screen

"yeah, you'd be hard pressed to find a character in this movie who gave something ten seconds of thought before they acted. it's part of why i like it so much. every character is messy because real life is messy, and sometimes people we know just suck."

clement raised his eyebrows. “I’m still not quite sure what this movie is actually about.”

“it’s a coming of age movie in a different sense. it’s about the transition from university to adulthood.” she explained, twirling the spaghetti on her fork. “and it’s about having sex with judd nelson.”

"yeah, but his character is a bit of a dick as well."

"that's the point." olivia and yn said in unison.

"alright, forget i said anything." clement laughed, turning back to the screen. "when does rob lowe get a saxophone?"

the movie was about halfway through, dirty plates stacked on the coffee table when someone else entered the room. the newcomer came in a cloud of vape smoke, smelling vaguely like passionfruit.

there's our john bender, she thought to herself. we definitely can't vape in here.

on screen, andrew mccarthy and ally sheedy were making out passionately, ready to tear each other's clothes off.

"no shit, did someone find professor alonso's vintage porn collection."

"woah dude, don't talk about the brat pack like that." yn fired back, flipping the newcomer the bird. "either stay quiet and join us or take your vape smoke somewhere else."

clement laughed into his fist, trying lamely to disguise it as a cough.

the newcomer chuckled, sinking down next to clement on the ratty couch. "so what are you guys watching then?"

"we can explain later. its at a good part!" olivia shushed him.

after the film finished, as the end credits rolled with the john parr song of the same name playing in the background, clement rose to his feet and gave the movie a shocking standing ovation.

"truth be told guys, i lost the plot halfway through." he admitted. "but i had a lot of fun watching it."

"i liked it." olivia hummed, nodding her head.

"so let me get this straight," the other boy stood to stand next to clement, pausing the dvd. "kirby is basically a stalker, billy is a deadbeat, alec is just a dick and jules should probably go to therapy?"

"yes." yn answered with a straight face. "not the most charming bunch, are they?"

he shook his head. "damn. we should watch a giant shark movie next."

"yeah, mate. deep blue sea or jaws?" clement laughed, clapping him on the back. "i'm clement, by the way."

"landon. and the answer is totally deep blue sea."

yep. definitely john bender.

"alright then," yn laughed. "olivia, what would you have picked?"

"insidious."

that was so not the answer she was expecting, but it gave her an idea.

"hey, if it's just the four of us in the building, we should get together every night, one person cooks and one person picks a movie." she suggested, reaching for her phone. "everybody, give me your numbers. we can set up a group chat."

"that's actually a really good idea." clement encouraged, beginning to clear the table. "i call dibs on fast five for my night."

with all the numbers in her phone, she sent out a smiley face to officially start the group chat.

"why are we called the breakfast club?" landon asked, staring down at his phone with a confused grimace.

"because we all match characters in the breakfast club. i'm allison, clement is andrew, olivia is obviously claire and you're bender." she said matter-of-factly.

"then who's brian? there were five in the movie, and there's only four of us." olivia added

"i think we've all got a little bit of brian in us."

they spent the rest of the evening in front of the fireplace (which they were all surprised was still functional with most of the building being gone) playing a game of uno with a deck of cards that clement was sure had more pick-up-fours than a standard deck did. reruns of the big bang theory played on the tv behind them while landon and clem battled with each other to see who could pick up more of the deck before the game was over.

it was 10:30 when y/n called it quits, although she really didn't want to. she had work to get finished in the morning, and needed to decide what recipe she was going to cook the following night. she was having fun with her new friends, and she wanted to make the most of it while she could.

"that's me done for the night. i have to go grocery shopping in the morning. olivia, you have dibs on the movie. nothing that's going to give me nightmares, though."

clement grinned from across the table. "don't worry, yn. i'll protect you."

"oh, shut up." she laughed, trying to hide the nervous blush on her face as she playfully kicked at his leg

"come off it, let me walk you back to your room."

she relented, walking side by side with clement. it was awkward, and mostly silent as they walked the carpeted hall. they made idle small talk, mostly about the events that had transpired that evening. she wondered as they were walking if clement would even remember this night after class was back in session.

"well, this is me." she said idly, pointing at a door with a fall wreath on it. "my roommate went home for the holidays so its just me here." she held the key fob in her hands, trying to come up with a way to make this moment last longer.

to prolong the feeling of calm she felt when speaking to clement novalak, the elation she felt when he looked at her like that.

"well," he sighed, hands in the front pockets of his jeans as he rocked on the balls of his feet. "i'll let you get on with your evening."

"thanks. i have to head out early tomorrow to get the ingredients i need for the meal, my fridge is pretty bare. you're welcome to tag along if you want."

clement beamed at her, and she felt her stomach flutter slightly. he was smiling at her, and she never wanted him to stop.

"yeah, why not. meet in the parking lot for eight?"

"sounds good."

the next morning, clement showed up at her door at promptly seven thirty with two tinfoil wrapped bagels in his hand. he took control of the aux cord in her car, blasting an odd mixture of throwbacks and house remixes of classic rock songs. she liked the way he made her feel, hanging on to every word and letting her ramble about anything and everything. he was a good storyteller, and she found herself filled with a sense of longing as he talked about his travels and his friend group.

she wished she could be a part of it.

they were still singing along to poison when they pulled back into the residency, and y/n found that her heart felt heavy at the idea of her time with clement being over.

she was falling far too deep, especially considering that their social circles shouldn't mix.

"do you want help cooking later?" clem offered, helping her grab the bags from the trunk. "if i'm being quite frank, i enjoy spending time with you."

her cheeks heated up as she buzzed the pair into the building. "yeah, okay. there's a bit we have to do now, and i'll need some latex gloves?"

clement raised an eyebrow.

"do you want to touch raw chicken with your bare hands?"

"fair enough."

she'd never had as much fun in the kitchen as she did that afternoon. they had the radio on, singing out of key and taking twenty minutes to do a ten minute task. clement danced around the small kitchen like an idiot, singing into a wooden spoon.

after the chicken was marinating in the fridge, their phones buzzed simultaneously on the counter.

"its olivia with the movie options for later. she's giving us a choice between the crow and slender man. i'm voting for the crow. as long as it’s the original from 1994.”

clement laughed. today he was wearing a turtleneck and jeans, and why did that make her knees go weak?

"yeah, i think i am too. i don't fuck with slender man."

later that evening, as the group congregated around the large flat screen to watch their movie, yn couldn’t help but notice that clement chose to sit next to her on the large couch. their thighs were basically touching. olivia looked in their direction, a knowing look on her face as she raised an eyebrow.

her phone buzzed in her lap.

olivia: hes so into you!!!

yn; like hell he is. he barely knows me

olivia; trust me, I know that look. get that dick girl, you deserve it!

“what happens after this week?” she asked quietly, shutting her phone as she looked around at the group.

landon still had his vape pen in hand. olivia sat on the floor, back up against the couch. her plate was a cross her lap, strewn with remnants of shawarma sauce and rice. and clement, pretty perfect clement was sitting next to her without a care in the world.

outside of this week, they were not her people, and she found herself dreading returning to a world where she had to pretend she hadn’t made a fuck ton of good memories with them.

landon shrugged, taking another drag of his vape. “I’m assuming we just all go back to normal.”

“but why?” olivia asked. “why should we? I’ve had a good time with you guys, and I’d feel odd just ignoring you if we passed in the halls.”

“I’d hang out with you guys.” yn said softly. “surprisingly enough, I like you guys.”

sure, she wouldn't consider going to one of landon's frat parties, or joining olivia at a pep rally, but more nights like this were right up her alley. good food, good movies and good friendship.

"i think, after all the time we've spent getting to know each other," clement started "that it would be a pretty shitty thing to do to abandon and ignore each other once reading week is over."

they were silent for the rest of the film, an uneasy feeling falling over them. y/n refused to make eye contact, scared of being burned. out of the corner of her eye, however, she noticed that clement was no longer watching the screen.

he was watching her, with a look approaching wistful in his eyes.

soon enough, the end of the week came, and olivia and yn felt like they needed to mark the week with something more monumental than dinner and a movie. olivia's roommate had a karaoke machine, and clement had a liquor store points card. with those two facts in hand, a plan started to emerge to throw a party celebrating their last week.

"let's make a pact tonight." clement said, raising his coffee mug at breakfast. "to treasure the week we spent together, and to solmenly swear not to ignore each other in the halls. we're friends now, whether we like it or not."

“man!” landon says “don’t get all sappy on me. let’s just enjoy this last day. as pitbull once said: life is not a waste of time. and time is not a waste of life. so let's stop wasting time, get wasted, and have the time of our lives.”

“damn straight!” olivia added, clinking her mug against his. “let’s make it the best party that this empty dorm has ever seen.”

yn laughed, pulling olivia in for a side hug. “yeah. we take it day by day. let’s not think about tomorrow and focus on having a good tonight.” this is the best idea I’ve ever been a part of, yn thought later that night, curled up next to olivia in a pile of blankets, smirnoff ices in their hands as the pair watched clement absolutley butcher the hannah montana theme song at karaoke.

It had been a good week, and while she was still sad she couldn’t make the trek home, she loved her new friends and she would always treasure the memories that she had made with them.

“my turn, my turn!!” olivia insisted, making grabby hands towards the wireless microphone. “come to mama, there’s an abba song with my name written all over it!”

yn laughed, watching Olivia saunter over to the karaoke set. no sooner than she had gotten up did clement slide onto the sofa to take her place,

“so, how was I?” he asked, slightly buzzed and sporting that goofy and contagious smile. when clement novalak was in a good mood, it was hard for anyone around him not to be.

she raised an eyebrow. “miley might say you ruined her tour.”

“oh come off it.” clem laughed, playfully launching a pillow in her direction. “you did this, you know.” he nodded in the direction of where landon was trying to hijack olivias performance of dancing queen. “earlier you said that if this was the breakfast club, you’d be allison, but i don’t think that’s entirely true. I think you’re brian, because he’s the one who brought everybody together in the end.”

her heart softened, something fizzing in her chest that was either heartburn or flattery. “you watched the breakfast club for me?”

“duh,” clement laughed “I had to know if you were insulting me hen you said I was andrew.”

she smiled, curling closer to him on the couch, bravely reaching to touch his forearm. “so if you’re andrew and I’m allison, it’s only right that I kiss you right now.”

oh god, that’s the cringiest thing I’ve ever said.

she didn't have time to dwell on her choice of words before clement cupped the back of her neck and pulled her face towards his, pressing his lips against hers.

the kiss took her breath away.

her hands slid up the back of his neck to tangle in his hair, the off key singing fading into the distance.

she pulled away, fully able to hear the heartbeat in her chest.

"holy shit."

clement laughed, caressing her cheek with his thumb. "holy shit indeed."

"shall we take this somewhere a little more private?" she asked tentatively. "i'd love to keep kissing you, but i dont want an audience."

clem beamed, lacing his fingers with hers. "should we go to your room or mine?"

she laughed, a smile splitting her face.

she never wanted this weekend to end, but if it had to, taking clement novalak to bed was exactly the ending she was hoping for.

[ihavesomejays]

text transcription:

Many springs ago, I perceived a sea of flowers upon a lake. I thought to myself that those fleeting colors held indescribable beauty.

The next time I perceived those colors was many years later, when the medic’s tent had blinded me to all but red. The radiance of that shining star was lost on my eyes.

Now, my eyes no longer perceive the subtleties in the colors around me.

But I am content.

For I can now see the most brilliant colors in my universe.

anyways yeah why did they fucking do that to jiaoqiu bro

the planning for this experimentalish comic is under keep reading

[rocketbirdie]

deranged picnic

[elbdot]

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WOW Gladion, very reliable, love that we finally got through to you, fwiends forever am I right 🫠

WE'RE BACK with a MEGA UPLOAD that was too big for one post so I had to part it in two, see you guys in a week with the second part (and the Webtoons update!) OR you can read the whole thing on my Patreon early! 👍

Patreon - And thank you guys so much for your patience for this update!! :D ☺️💖 It took AGES because of the backgrounds...

[ask-queen-arti]

losing my mind at these tags, thank you

[cryptiidcrowe]

the goods from @potato-lord-but-not have arrived!! i was so excited to frame the tarot prints with these jaw bones 🙏

(also the doodle of my wife??? i love him??? i can cradle him in my hands and gaze at him longingly????)

((and i love the teeny tiny john….. little guy…..))

[charismatic-fear]

this image has been plauging me

[intheconfessiondial]

12 Months of 12 - July

Here You Come Again

[soranker]

have been super busy lately so doodled some wolfies to destress ^_^

[pricegouge]

Get Her a Dog (She'll be Happier For It)

Part Three | master list | MDNI

Soap x reader, Price x reader, eventual PriceSoap x reader

series cw: cheating. dubcon. angst. cuckholding. pet play.

chapter cw: angst, extremely vague/brief mentions of injury. talk of wanting a baby

reader is fem and fat

It takes the bouquet a full two weeks to become so withered it's no use trimming the stems or mixing up that special sugar solution which keeps them in bloom longer anymore. Johnny doesn't call. You tell yourself that's standard for middle-of-the-night type missions and keep the twenty four hour news feed on at all times even though all it does is irritate you. You were never much good at reading between the lines of these things anyway, at picking out which bits of the endless scroll of World Gone Wrong News are actually just state fabricated lies to cover the pieces deemed too big and scary for the general public to know the intricacies of. You shut it off after the fourth mass shooting comes and goes with no update.

The flowers were a nice touch. At least more than you expected to get after being woken in the middle of the night to murmured apologies and promises of a big day out when he got back. If he got back. You know it's not a helpful thought, feel terribly selfish that you'd only thought it given the circumstances, but it crosses your mind nonetheless. Digs its fingers between the slots of your ribs.

It takes the bouquet a full two weeks to become so withered it's no use trimming the stems or mixing up that special sugar solution which keeps them in bloom longer anymore. Johnny doesn't call. You tell yourself that's standard for middle-of-the-night type missions and keep the twenty four hour news feed on at all times even though all it does is irritate you. You were never much good at reading between the lines of these things anyway, at picking out which bits of the endless scroll of World Gone Wrong News are actually just state fabricated lies to cover the pieces deemed too big and scary for the general public to know the intricacies of. You shut it off after the fourth mass shooting comes and goes with no update.

After eighteen days away, you finally get a call from an unknown number and nearly drive through a red light when the notification pops up on your car's display. In theory, it could be anyone. But you know.

John's voice is too formal, too stiff. He calls you Mrs. MacTavish and guilt twines itself so thoroughly with your general sense of dread as to become inseparable. The cable cord holding up your life. Your stomach cramps hard enough you think you might be sick. They're at the A&E, John says, and while he may go on to explain there's no reason to panic, you're too busy racing through the streets of York to listen at all. 

Kyle waits for you outside the entrance, escorting you through the labyrinthine halls and (somehow) multiple elevators to a quiet corner of the surgical waiting room. You've been here before, think vaguely that the vinyl seating should be familiar by now. You'd think after so many instances that you'd get used to moments like this, that Johnny's apparent constant death wish would stop weighing so heavily on you. There's part of you that's come to believe your husband is indestructible, a bedtime story you tell yourself when his side of the mattress lays empty and cold: it doesn't matter what befalls him in the dead of night while you lay your head on down pillows he bought, because nothing can ever break Johnny. It always crumbles apart when your phone rings like an alarm clock, John's steady, terribly formal voice there to rip you away from your fantasies. It's another reason you hate him; why you know you couldn't do this without him. When he comes back, clipboard in hand, John explains it was supposed to be a low stakes mission and how quickly it turned for the worst. You let it wash all over you with all the other intricacies of your husband's line of work because if you look at it for too long you start to understand those mums who poison their kids just to keep them home and under control. He returns his clipboard when he's done and Kyle picks up where he left off, voice much more soothing and sympathetic as he details Johnny's wound. Stray bullet, low in the belly where Johnny's vest didn't cover. He'll be right as rain in a few weeks, but they'd needed to re-open it up to get in there and make sure everything will heal up okay. 

They sit with you through the long hours as much as they are able, John occasionally pulled away by a cell phone which will not stop ringing. It bothers you more than it should, but you don't want to analyze that just yet. Best left be until you're holed up in bed alone again. Kyle remains steadfast, a constant supply of bad hospital coffee at hand. You don't know when or how he memorized the way you take it, but you're too distracted to ask now.

You feel like you're being strangled, or maybe hanged, that cord of guilt and dread your noose. It pulls tighter with each minute that passes and you spiral deeper into your memories of the last few days, how you moped around in misery, wallowing in self pity while your husband risked his life trying to make the world a better place. Selfishness eats at you like a physical thing, worse so when Gaz asks if you want to go for a walk and you snap at him about wanting to be alone. He holds his hands up at you in mock surrender, a crease forming between his brows. You trip over yourself in apology, but the long days must have weighed on him just as heavily because he only mutters his quiet acceptance and strolls out the door, fishing a cigarette out as he goes. 

John does not follow. You feel his eyes on you, that same steady gaze as always. Usually, it pins you in place just as much as it makes you want to squirm, but today it makes you seethe, temper flaring back red hot now that you have a real target in sight. John's the reason you're here, the reason you give yourself up to self pity every time you think about the shortcomings of your marriage. Because the truth is, Johnny's good when he's home - and that's a farside better than most women in your position get. 

"What?" you snap as you wheel on your companion. 

Though his face crumbles for maybe half a second, John's quick to recover, one bushy brow cocking as if in challenge - though you both know he would let you unload on him without so much as a word of protest. For some reason, the realization only makes you angrier and you stand in a huff, marching off in the general direction of the nearest coffee maker. A rustle of fabric tells you John is following, the distinct texture of your jacket telling you he's collected your things. Your jaw clenches so tight you think you might crack a molar, but you don't stop until he makes you, grabbing you by the elbow the second he finds a relatively inactive corner. You're already spitting when he wheels you around, pushing against his chest for all the good it does you as you rail on about everything being his fault. You think you start somewhere with his stupid taskforce and barrel right on through to his general form of leadership, delighting in the quick look of panic it brings as he drags you through a door, snicking it closed behind you. It's not until you have to take a breath somewhere around Johnny's general inadequacy that you realize he's locked you both in a bathroom, his hand covering your mouth while you pant for breath through the seams of his fingers. 

He still smells like gunpowder, that same metallic quality that clings to your husband, too. You can't tell if your face is hot with anger, embarrassment, or tears.

"You done?"

You'd shake your head no, but he's not actually giving you an option, grip firmly holding you in place as he leans close enough to make your eyes cross. 

"If I take my hand away, you gonna keep yelling about classified information in public?"

It's funny how you barely even register the guilt his words bring; a drop in the bucket. This time he lets you shake your head.

His palm is heavy when it shifts, grip changing so he can cradle your jaw delicately. The soft look from before is back, much as he tries to obscure it behind his stern facade. He's never been as good at maintaining it around you as he has his men. He calls you sweetheart, lets his voice trail off as he thinks of how best to address your laundry list of complaints. It makes you ache, for some reason. Perhaps the contrast to Johnny's quick, impulsive temper. Your husband's never been cruel with you, of course, but the two of you can be like oil and water when you're both worked up, and while you can see John's frustrations in the twitch of his mustache and the set of his brow, he takes his time to consider his words, trying to ensure proper communication. It's more than you deserve.

You'll tell yourself in retrospect that it's not you who leans in, that John's hand on your cheek was more insistent, his face tilted slightly closer. It's a lie, but John accepts the blame so gracefully everywhere else, surely he can shoulder this, too?

Knock, knock.

The speed at which you back away from the man before you nearly makes you stumble. John barks that the room is occupied, face clouded with an anger that doesn't reflect in the way he catches you, ensures you're sturdy on your feet before letting you slip from his grasp. For once, it's him who can't look at you and the thought makes your chest ache, propels you out the door before you have to hear him apologize for another person's shortcomings one more time.

Gaz is not yet back in the waiting room and you don't trust yourself to be alone with John again so you take the suggested walk around the hospital, letting yourself get lost in the long circuitous routes of wards that set you ill at ease. You do not linger, feet just as busy as your mind - just as directionless. You retrace the events of your morning like a skipping record, an endless revolution, getting lost in the panic of the phone call and the relief you'd felt in John's firm grasp before tracing the roots of your guilt deeper, the old growth spreading back years. These paths are worn, the familiarity almost comforting insofar as you've tread them enough times to know they do not end with you pressed against your husband's captain in a hospital bathroom while he gets his intestines sewn up mere yards away. Except, they do now, if you follow them long enough, and you spend some time trying to find the source of it, the tributary from which it branched. You worry maybe it was the day you met him, the day he waltzed into your life and you mistook his job title to mean he was a man who could help you wrangle the force of nature that was John MacTavish. Probably, it was earlier, when you'd decided to tie yourself to a man you thought needed wrangling. 

You don't pay much thought to where your feet take you until you're staring uncomprehendingly into the face of a rather stern, if concerned staff member. When she cocks her brow at you expectantly, you shake yourself out of your reverie and ask her to repeat herself. 

"I asked who you're here to see."

Blinking, your eyes slide past her, take in your surroundings properly for the first time. A glass panel backdrops her, separating you from a well-lit room, sparsely decorated with pastel tones. You think you spot the head of a baby giraffe mural over her shoulder and feel your face heat at being caught out, although logistically you know she's probably more concerned about the random distraught woman hovering around the newborns. 

"S-sorry. I'm not -. I guess I just didn't realize where I was," you admit. 

The woman - registered nurse Rita, by the ID clipped to her hip pocket - eyes you suspiciously for a beat longer, but whatever she sees in you softens her edges, brings her guard down. "Can't be here," she tells you, voice unyielding but far less harsh than it had been mere moments before. 

"Right," you agree, glancing around as if looking for the way you came. "Uh…"

"Do you know what room your… loved one is in?" She sounds slightly patronizing, but you can't force your eyes to focus on her for long enough to confirm. You think maybe all the coffee is catching up with you, know it's more likely the combined effects of your embarrassment and guilt making it hard to maintain eye contact.

"My husband's in surgery," you blurt. "Gunshot wound."

Nurse Rita balks, takes a minute to look around herself. "C'mere," she mutters, fingers surprisingly strong when she wraps them around the soft flesh of your arm and steers you toward a proper waiting area. You stumble after her, trying to avoid the gazes of the anxious pack of new parents she leaves in your wake. 

You're babbling when she comes to a stop. "It's okay, he's a soldier. He'll be fine. They just had to re-open it because they needed to tie up some loose ends."

There's a pause. Somewhere, a monitor sounds off. "Was that a joke?"

"Well, not a good one."

But despite your assertions, Rita does laugh. It's a good one, too, sets her heavy chest jiggling. She's got a nice smile, infectious. You're glad she works in the natal ward. You ease down with her, the deep breaths she pulls to catch her breath serving to calm you both. "Is it bad I like the repeat customers best?" She asks, conspiratorial. 

You grin, thinking you know what she means. You can't spend so much time around soldiers without developing an appreciation for gallows humor, after all. "Gotten about as good at dealing with it as can be expected, I guess."

Rita hums, her eyes darting down the hall. You imagine she's busy but you're too greedy to assure her you'll be okay without her company so you don't. "Except this time, it seems."

"There's been… a complication."

"Oh, honey," Rita coos.

"Not with my husband," you clarify, "Sorry. Poor choice of words. Um. I mean - his captain's here and I don't want to… I can't sit next to him any longer without going insane. You know?"

You can almost see Rita mapping the points of information she has, assess the mire between them. "And what brings you here?"

It's hard not to blubber, though you're unsure why exactly. "I think I want a baby," you whisper instead, the secret pulled from you easy pie once someone actually asks despite the shame you feel about it, the words catching like barbs in your throat.

"And Mr. Tin Soldier doesn't?"

You offer her a forced smile. "Johnny. And I don't know. He used to. I think his captain wants one more," you confess, gaze slipping away from her again. You feel her rock back away from you momentarily, her breath puffing out in one great gust. "I haven't -. We've never…"

"Okay," she asserts. You don't think she believes you, but if the roles were reversed you suppose you wouldn't either. "But you'd like to?"

The yawning chasm of loneliness in your chest tells you one thing, but your pride can only muster a 'sometimes.'

"So not limited to when your husband is under the knife?"

"Christ," you hiss, crumpling in on yourself. "I'm a monster."

To your surprise, you feel Rita's warm palm on your back, rubbing soothing circles into your skin. Her voice is strained when she speaks, like she's not sure she believes what she's saying, but her caregiving instincts must win out because she speaks anyway. "I don't think so. Think you're probably just lonely, honey."

You know why she says it, know only someone desperate te be understood would reach out to her so eagerly like this. Still, it hurts to be seen. Maybe worse than not being seen at all. But it's the good ache, the kind you get from John. You have a brief, wild notion of kissing Rita, and have to suppress a bitter huff of laughter. "Johnny's not… here, even when he's here, you know?" You snivel, knowing full well how unsympathetic you probably sound.

"And the captain is?" Rita prompts. You think it's probably meant to clarify, but it sounds more like a challenge.

"Believe it or not, yes. John's very attentive. And nurturing. And he's always around more often than Johnny."

Rita's hand stops. "Wait, they're both named John?"

"I don't wanna talk about it," you gripe goodnaturedly, but Rita's not giving in.

"Well at least you don't have to worry about calling out the wrong name."

The snort you emit is terribly embarrassing, snot breaking loose after all your moping. Rita procures a tissue from some scrub pocket, makes a comment about tools of the trade. You sit silently for a moment as you dab your nose, for the first time taking note of the area she's sequestered you in. You're surprised to find the street outside getting darker, lamps glowing in the rain-slick parking lot. Inside, the hospital has begun to adopt a low, gentle glow - so far removed from the sterile, cold cold lighting you're used to seeing on hospital procedurals. The recesses and corners lie dim and dormant, the one you've been tucked into only kept lively by your company's presence. Without her, you fear you'd slink back into the darkness as well, become just another shadow on the wall. For a moment, you think you want that, and then your phone rings, the same unknown number from before illuminating your screen.

John doesn't wait for you to answer properly before asking where you are, but his voice is much softer than you'd expected, a pleasant drawl you're not sure is meant to lure you in but does all the same.

You sniffle, suppress a laugh. You don't see much use in lying to him. "The natal ward."

Silence stretches from the other end, the sound of a passing gurney all that your phone transmits. "Soap's out." 

"I'll be right down." 

"I can come -." 

"I'll be right down, John." Next to you, Rita arcs a sparse, shapeless brow. You decide you love her, even if she has every reason to believe you're a bad person.

"Right. They're bringing him to room two seventy eight." 

"Thanks. Bye." 

Your departure from Rita is brief. She wishes you good luck and you tell her to swaddle some babies tight for you. You stand awkwardly for a moment, willing further conversation to come, but there's ultimately not much more to say to someone after baring your deepest shame to them basically unprompted, especially when they've so easily seen through you. So you wave in parting and beat a hasty retreat, trying not to think about how you'll forever be the cheating wife in her eyes, probably.

For as long as your meandering journey upstairs had taken, you find your way back quick enough. Still, it's Gaz who sits beside your husband's bed, Gaz who tells you the captain had to head back to base. "Just missed him," he sympathizes, nodding at a vase of familiar-looking flowers. "Left that for the happy couple, though."

You bypass them entirely, a sense of dread filling you when you spot the note tucked in among the buds. Instead, you fold yourself over Johnny's sleeping body, press kisses to his forehead. There's no faking the genuine relief you feel seeing him so you let it carry you through the motions, fuss about with his blankets and squeeze his hand. You fall asleep in the recliner next to him, waking some hours later to find your company gone, though an orderly tells you your handsome guest said he'd return in the morning. You suppress the urge to ask which one. 

***

The flowers eventually make it home with you, the vase carried in Johnny's big fist. You wait until he's been tucked into bed before getting around to pruning them, the majority of the heads having wilted after too many days in stagnant water and poor quality hospital lighting. You toss the note away with them, unread, though you can't help telling Johnny they remind you of the flowers he sent. 

"What flowers, hen?" He grumbles, still sleepy from the pain meds. 

"Nevermind, baby," you assure him, chest too tight to trust your voice anymore than a whisper. "Go back to bed." 

***

When he's feeling better, you tell Johnny you want a baby.

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[fiendishartist2]

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