#lyzblack

[aliceblack12]

Drama Loves Me

Welcome to the “Drama Loves Me” club

The “magnet problem” squad

The “I don’t want to be a drama queen, shit just happens” life

The “I’m like Harry Potter, problem just find me” motto

The “I lost count of all the stuff that happened this year” group

The “They are never going to believe me I didn’t ask for this” thought

The “can please things stop happening to me” saying

The “don’t ask me how I’m doing if you don’t want to hear about a real life soap opera thing that is truly going on” feeling

The “I can’t believe this is really happening. Again.” mentality.

Feel free to add your own!

Based on a conversation I had with @giulsomino

[aliceblack12]

Top ten favorite songs (currently)

Tagged by @persephone-tearose

1) I’ll be good - Jaymes Young

2) demons - Hayley Kyoko

3) we fell in love in october - girl in red

4) Lionhearted - Billie Marten

5) Funeral - Phoebe Bridges

6) Why am I like this - Orla Garland

7) Hunger - Florence + The Machine

8) Supercut - Lorde

9) Lost without you - Freya Ridings

10) Dancing with your ghost - Sasha Sloan

I tag @waytoomanyships @giulsomino @official-lucifers-child @raisins-are-okay @trynaeat @gay-matty-boi @ninjaminion @littlesageleaf @tulipsandsake @awkwardpoetblog

[aliceblack12]

Serious period talk

There should be more talks about how the period can affect your mental health and kick you in the stomach and pulverize you.

People shouldn’t make fun of how the period affects the mood, or at least not in a “oh, you are in your days, that explains so much, like why you have been crying” and how because we are so hormonal we aren’t capable of making choices or ruling or being in power.

Also, there should be personal days for those of us who get period pains so bad... I can throw up or pass out from the pain. Is not funny. Is hellish. It fucks my body and my mental health. I get extremely bad the night before it comes and my anxiety kicks in and ruins me. I have been known to double over in pain. Is not funny. Is not woman’s trouble, it shouldn’t be.

And being told to get on the pill to deal with it doesn’t work either. You can have very serious health consequences because of it. I had a lot of troubles and ended up being unable to work for two months due to it. And I was lucky and was left mostly okay. Some people don’t.

[aliceblack12]

Woke up feeling like shit.

Turns out my period came in.

That explains so much from yesterday...

I’m just hoping is gonna be a nice one and not a throwing-up-from-pain day.

[aliceblack12]

I read this post by the mind geek in Instagram @themindgeek that said that just because someone is not aware of how they are hurting other people, It doesn’t excuse them from it or make it okay.

And in a way it hurt to read that.

I can’t stop myself from thinking about how many times have I been unaware of hurting people, and how considering I’m very good at not being aware, it must have happened a lot.

What are you supposed to do when that happens? Tell the other person? Not say anything and just leave? - just because that human being is not aware of it, does it make it okay for the one harmed to slip away? Isn’t that ghosting in a way?

I mean, if it’s toxic person, the kind of person that doesn’t care, then yes, go ahead and leave. People don’t change for other people, they only change for themselves. But if it’s someone that is doing that out of a misunderstanding or being awful at social things, then does it change the perspective and the outcome a little bit?

Otherwise, people that do it out of good intentions that end badly, like me, are we destined to be seen as bad people?

I know a lot of my stupidity and how I end up harming people comes from the awful traumas I had due to my less-than-normal-and-violent-upbringing. Out of truly not knowing how I am supposed to behave, since the role models I had growing up weren’t the best at all, and the violence levels were higher than normal, so my perception of what constitutes a nice tone or violence can be extremely warped.

Does this mean I should go and become a hermit? Because that idea gets better and better everyday...

[aliceblack12]

I love love Christmas trees and Christmas lights.

Also, this is all fake snow.

[aliceblack12]

Spot me

[aliceblack12]

I’m an introvert.

I’ve always been.

So that and having the perception and emotional intelligence not well developed always made it hard for me to make friends and connect with people.

Thatms what whenever I get into a fight with someone, or I loose a friend, I feel terrible, since I know how hard it was for me to make that friendship become real, and how hard it is to make friend in general.

But sadly, I can’t stop that from happening. Friendship can come and go, that’s life. I just wish I was better at it.

I need a “Friendshop for dummies book”

[aliceblack12]

Mental filter

Sometimes I don’t have a filter and it shows.

I end up thinking that someone is gonna kill me one day more than I should. And the reason behind it is gonna be my missing filter and all the stupid things I do. And say.

One day, I’ll end up dead and the reason will be because I couldn’t shut up. Pretty much Dirk Gently’s style (the series).

[aliceblack12]

The Chatterbox blues

You know when you are awful at social stuff, and you can’t read people, or social cues, so all the time you are wondering if the other person is having a good time, or if you are boring them to death?

I’m that. All. The. Time.

I’m a chatterbox that won’t stop talking, while fully aware of being a chatterbox, but I can’t ask questions because you never know what might be a sore or hard subject for the other person. So I try to introduce as many topics as possible (I can connect everything without meaning to), while waiting for the other person to say something yet not stopping the talk, because I don’t like the silences when I know I can fill them, and I don’t want the other person to fill awkward at all.

And If I’m nervous it’s worst.

I’m gonna call this the chatterbox blues, The I’m filling up the conversation while hoping I’m not boring you to death, but being unable to stop and then worrying about it while doing it, and after it and torturing myself for it.

And then worrying and worrying and being unable to do anything about it.

I’m also horrible at being foward because I’m hella scared of being wrong and also scared of other people’s reactions, after years of abuse and having really bad reactions and horrible stories. So. Yeah.

How do you make friends or even try to date?

Please Merciful Artemis, let me join your pact and be happy, because honestly, I’m destined to keeping people at a distance and smiling and saying I’m fine when I’m not.

Also, is terribly sad to have this not-so-nice-past that I know left me with tons of damage, and then telling myself that it would definitely not be fair to put this on another person’s life, so having all this guard and being awkward is great because then people can’t get close, but it’s also extremely lonely.

[aliceblack12]

I never thought that I would see the closet family member hurt me like this, and I don’t know how to deal with this.

[aliceblack12]

When someone is being nice to me, be sure I’ll do my best to see that they shouldn’t. Because I can’t let good things happen to me ever. So I push them away.

[aliceblack12]

Okay.

I need to sleep.

I need to shut my brain off.

I need to stop worrying about my stupidity - sadly it will still be there tomorrow.

I need to be better at people.

I’m awful at people.

I have to work tomorrow really early.

I should be asleep.

I’m nervous about work.

I’m nervous about human interactions.

I’m nervous about the chatterbox thing.

I need to learn to shut up (I have been telling myself this for years. Look how much it has changed. Zero. Nils. Nada.).

I have been a chatterbox since I can remember. Mainly because people don’t listen (my parents certainly didn’t- so I talked to the anythung that could breath, like my cats, and it became a thing).

People don’t listen. But I still worry about it.

Why can’t I be a little bit more silent and less anxious and more quiet and not so strssed and worried about life and not over sharing.

No one needs to know about so many things.

[aliceblack12]

Missing Filter

Lost: mental filter that makes person realize they are being mean, saying something stupid or insensitive or even helping out with the selection of words and actions.

Date of disappearance: I guess date of birth? ‘93

If found: please return it to current location in Denmark.