#lundy sets him up so perfectly

[ratatatastic]

congrats to niko the ricola mikkola for surpassing his regular season high of 3 goals (to which this also makes it 3 goals out of his career 12 that lundy has assisted on) and for the first time scoring in back to back games!!!

bonus: aj trying his best to get mikksy his second goal of the night only to be stopped by maf and teasing mr "[a hat trick] would maybe be too much for me" about it <3 he tries to keep hia ego in check but he wanted that second goal so bad

florida panthers @ minnesota wild | 12.18.24

[abarbaricyalp]

I looooved what you wrote for my first prompt!! I have another if you're down :D

How about Bucky starts talking about how hot/sweet/great he thinks Sam is in another language (not knowing Sam speaks it) but using an insulting tone so it wouldn't sound like he was complimenting him (possibly during an undercover mission, where Sam can't react to what he is saying) until Bucky goes on a "tirade" but really getting pretty graphic about what he wants to do to Sam or wants Sam to do to him, causing Sam to spit take or choke on his drink before Bucky catches on that he can understand and just dies on the inside until they finish the mission and Sam can respond <3 <3

Thanks again, Friend!

Always taking prompts <3

(never) Lost in Translation

Read on AO3

“Я вас любил безмолвно, безнадежно,” Bucky breathed into the cold air as he curled his fingers around the stock of his rifle and shifted his hips against the rooftop. “То робостью, то ревностью томим; Я вас любил так искренно, так нежно--” [I loved you hopelessly and mutely, Now with shyness, now with jealousy being vexed; I loved you so sincerely, so fondly--"I Loved You" by Alexander Pushkin]

“Huh?” Sam asked on the other end of the comm line.

“Just trying to stay awake, Wilson,” Bucky answered. “Maybe you can sit out here and give your mouth frostbite.”

“Give it another hour or so and I’ll warm you back up, Barnes,” Sam promised and Bucky could hear the smile in his voice, which was enough to stave off the chill for a while longer.

“Did you think I wouldn’t know who made a nest of jackets and my mom’s blanket next to my hospital bed?” Sam asked at two in the morning when Bucky slunk back into the hospital room and the mess he’d turned the two small chairs next to the bed into.

Bucky considered continuing to sulk in the shadows in silence. But it was the first time Sam was awake in nineteen hours and he was pretty fucking sick of the quiet at this point. “Sarah brought the blanket,” he said. He leaned forward to reach for Sam’s hand, curling his fingers around the bandages and splints gently.

“Yeah, but I know Sarah’s not sleeping in my room. It can’t have been so long that you felt the need to move in, man.”

“I’m not moved in ,” Bucky defended. “Just didn’t know how long it would be. And it’s fucking cold in this building.”

“Wouldn’t know.” Sam tried to shift in the bed and let out a gasp of pain.

“Yeah, you probably don’t want to move too much. Figured you could work that one out on your own, with that big ass cast around your ribs,” Bucky said. But his brow was drawn in in worry and he brought his other hand to Sam’s hip, arching it gently over the thin fabric of the gown.

Sam relaxed back into the bed as much as he could. “I hate sleeping on my back,” he said.

“Sorry, I’ll be sure they accommodate that next time your ribs are sticking out of your skin.”

“You’re being dramatic.”

“Maybe a little,” Bucky agreed. “You’re gonna have to get over it though. You need to rest.”

“I’ve been asleep for a day,” Sam said. “Come on, can’t you believe I miss you?”

Bucky barked out a laugh and shook his head. “No, I don’t believe that at all. And you can’t miss me anymore than I miss you. I’m the conscious one.”

Sam preened and then his eyes drifted shut. Bucky squeezed his hand gently and began to hum under his breath until the flickering of Sam’s eyes settled down. “Que ce soit dimanche ou lundi / Soir ou matin minuit midi /Dans l'enfer ou le paradis /Les amours aux amours ressemblent /C'était hier que je t'ai dit /Nous dormirons ensemble,” he sang softly. Sam let out a soft breath and finally fell asleep. [ Whether it be Sunday Monday/ Evening ,morning, midnight, midday / Whether it be in hell, in paradise, /Love-affairs look like each other. /I said to you just Yesterday: /We shall sleep together. "Nous Dormions Ensemble" "We'll Sleep Together" Louis Aragon]

“I told you to cover Torres on the left!” Sam shouted as he landed heavily on the rubble of the street.

                                                                                       “أنت تعني الكثير بالنسبة لي” Bucky bit back. “You were in more trouble than he was. I told you to get out of the air.” [You mean so much to me]

 “I’m sorry,” Sam snorted. “Are you leading this mission? Are you Captain America all of a sudden?”

                                                                           “أنت تجعلني أريد أن أكون رجلاً أفضل” Bucky muttered. “I’ve always been the one with the brain cells when Captain America’s around.” [ You make me want to be a better man.]

 “For what it’s worth, guys, I’m fine,” Torres said. “Caught the bad guys. Didn’t get eaten. Alls well that ends well. Unless this is, like, foreplay or something for you two. In which case, I want to get back to the jet before you keep going.”

“Shut up, Torres,” Bucky snapped. “There’s a---thing behind you,” he added, exhausted and confused about what it was exactly that they were fighting. Torres turned around, too slowly, to stare at the limping creature of some underwater origin and Sam ripped the shield from his back to fling at the monster. With a squelch and a groan, it toppled over and the shield bounced back to Sam’s arm.

                                                                                           “إنك في غاية الجمال” Bucky breathed and rubbed his human hand over his face, smearing ash and sweat until it stung his eyes. “Torres, do an aerial scan for stragglers. Wilson and I’ll survey damage down here.” [ You’re so beautiful]

 “Oh, no, Wilson . You’re in trouble,” Torres laughed. He clapped Sam’s shoulder as he walked past and then shot into the sky when the area was clear enough to.

“You’re too hard on him,” Sam said as he started to kick over blocks of asphalt. “He’s a trained soldier, y’know. He’s not some helpless kid.”

 Bucky snorted and kneeled down to run his metal hand through a puddle of water on the ground, watching silver ripple across the current.                                                                  “مائة قلب لن يكونوا كافيين لحمل كل حبي لك” he said, and then, “He was never trained for those wings.” [ A hundred hearts would be too few to carry all my love for you.]

 “He helped build those wings. He trained with Exo-Skeletons. The wings are in perfectly capable hands.”

“Make sure clean up takes samples of the water,” Bucky said. “I think there are organisms in there,” he said as he stood up and wiped his hand on his pants.

“How hard did you just have to work, after Torres put foreplay in your head, to not say orgasms?” Sam teased, shooting an easy, if slightly bloody grin, at Bucky.

                                                                                “أنت إشراقة شمسي يا حبي” Bucky sighed and shook his head. “Let’s get home. You obviously have a concussion.” [ You are my sunshine, my love.]

 “Hey, just ‘cause I’m funnier than you and know your depraved mind well enough to say something like that doesn’t make me damaged,” Sam said, jogging to catch up with Bucky.

“Does he talk?” villain-du-jour asked, appraising what was supposed to be the Winter Soldier but was really just Bucky bored out of his skull.

“If you want him to,” Torres said with a shrug. “Most people don’t.”

“See,” Sam said in Bucky’s earpiece. “I told you he’d kill this.”

And, unfortunately, Torres really was killing it. Torres seemed to be afflicted with the same dramatic streak that Steve had, in that Steve was everyone’s best-friend-ray-of-sunshine until shit got real. Or the mission required him to play some shady underworld super-assassin dealer, apparently.

“I heard he malfunctioned with Zemo,” unidentified baddie said cautiously. “I heard the programming had been washed out.”

Torres reached over to cuff Bucky against the back of the head. “Does he look deprogrammed? Do you think I’d be standing here if he was deprogrammed?”

Bucky had to fight not to let a glare slide over to Torres. He kept his eyes and his grimace set straight ahead. He’d feel better if there was a rifle in his hands.

“It’s not my fault Baron Zemo didn’t have the balls to control the Soldier. I assume that won’t be a problem for you. But, hey, I could be wrong. In which case, I’ll just take him back. Putting him on ice is easier the less time he’s out.”

“I’m glad he never decides to be such a shit with me,” Sam said. The bad guy said something else and Bucky fully tuned it out. “Hey, Barnes,” Sam said in his ear. “What’re you wearing?” he teased. Bucky’s jaw jumped. “One day, we’re gonna see how quickly I can get all that tac-gear off of you. Or maybe just the top half. The rest of you looks damn good in black.”

Bucky bit the side of his tongue, listened to the asshole across the room talk about not being able to communicate to lapsed partners since he only spoke English, about wanting to send a message, about how many languages the Soldier knew and if he talked while breaking bones.

“Do you think we do better undressing each other on the jet or off of it. Sure, there’s turbulence, but we also have all that adrenaline pushing us on. Besides, I know you like things hard. You wouldn’t like me so much if you didn’t.”

“Soldier?” Torres said at his side. “A sample of your voice.”

“ I’m gonna throw my partner across that table as soon as we kick all your asses ,” he said in Russian. “ He gets pretty fucking quiet when he’s getting dicked down well. It’s actually the only time he shuts up. ”

The hapless moron across the room looked delighted. “What about French?”

“ You’d think getting him down on his knees would work better but it never has for me. He’s always gotta have the last word in edgewise. Lengthwise, as it may be. No fuckin’ hair to grab onto either. You’ve just gotta listen to him .”

“Spanish?”

“ Probably won’t stop in here. I’ll drag him back to our jet and do it all over again. Or let him do it to me. I’m really not picky when it comes to him. Especially not when he’s wearing the uniform he is right now. I like getting it off of him as much as I like how it looks on him .”

“ Damn, dude, I speak Spanish ,” Torres hissed back in Spanish. “ Spare my ears, please .”

The arms-idiot grinned like a kid on Christmas. “Yeah, that’ll do. Your money’s in here,” he said, sliding a briefcase across the floor.

“Ready?” Sam asked in the ear piece.

“ We never speak of it again ,” Bucky said to Torres. “ If you tell him, I’ll drop your ass in Siberia. ”

“Go get ‘em, tiger,” Torres said, gesturing over to the other man. Bucky went and got them, Sam coming down through a skylight and Torres taking care of the guards behind them.

“I was thinking about getting my own place down here,” Sam said. “Even if it’s just a one bedroom or something. You know, for when Buck’s here too.”

“Tu vas bouleverser les garçons,” Sarah answered. [You'll upset the boys]

“Huh?” Bucky asked, looking up from toying with a remote control airplane that had an unfortunate run-in with a tree.

“They’re still not in French classes?” Sam asked. “Isn’t AJ old enough?”

“He’s taking Spanish instead.”

“Traitor,” Sam said easily. “Cela n'a pas besoin d'être codé.” [This doesn't need to be encoded]

“Votre vie sexuelle fait.” [Your sex life does]

“Ha! Comme si.” [Ha! As if]

“Wait, you two know French?” Bucky asked. The airplane had been thoroughly forgotten.

“Sure, it’s one of two languages offered at our high school,” Sarah said. “Sam was obsessed with learning Creole so not only did he take French, he took AP French. And scored a five on the test. Hey, aren’t you a polyglot, technically?”

“What?” Bucky asked as dawning horror unleashed a flood of embarrassment through him. And, well, a bunch of other feelings too, which would require French to say aloud, apparently. He packed those away.

“I don’t know if there are qualifications, but I speak a few languages,” Sam agreed and he finally looked over at Bucky with a smirk. “English, French. A little Spanish. The Air Force gave us Russian lessons. I picked up Arabic overseas.”

Fuck, Bucky though. Merde. Maldita sea. Черт побери.

“He absorbs languages like a sponge,” Sarah said to Bucky. “AJ is pretty similar,” she added towards Sam. “His teacher says he’s the best in the class.”

“Of course he is,” Sam said. “He’s a Wilson.”

A timer went off and Sarah muttered lightly under her breath. “I’ve got to run and grab Cass from school. Can you stay here and get AJ off the bus?” she asked, already grabbing her purse and heading for the door.

“Bye, Sarah,” Bucky called after her before rounding on Sam as the door shut.

“Hey, you never asked,” Sam defended, leaning back against the counter. “And it never sounded like you wanted an answer when you were serenading me in French. Gotta wonder why you’ve got Russian poetry memorized though--Hey!” Sam yelped as Bucky crossed the living room to the kitchen and stood between his legs, hands on either side of his body on the counter.

“Ты должен был сказать мне раньше,” he breathed. Sam shivered against him. [You should have told me sooner]

“Pourquoi?” he asked, like he was in any way innocent. [Why?]

Bucky brushed his mouth along Sam’s neck, felt his pulse jump at the contact. “Tu sais ce que ça me fait,” he murmured. [You know what it does to me]

“Languages?” Sam asked as his hand found the small of Bucky’s back and then the rest of his spine, up to his shoulders, the seam of his metal arm, his ribs.

“You showin’ off,” Bucky corrected.

Sam hummed because he did know that. “It was more fun to watch you think you were getting away with something. You get real sweet when you think I can’t hear.”

Bucky nipped at his collarbone and Sam gasped out a breath, almost let it convince him to leave Bucky there, but eventually pushed him away. “I was serious about getting our own place. I will never emotionally recover if one of the kids walks in on me making out with you. I’m supposed to be typifying standards.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and pinched Sam’s side. “You’re an asshole.”

“Yeah, but a smart one,” Sam said with a grin. “Which is apparently your type.

And, dammit, it was.

“By the way,” he added, “Clint taught me ASL, so I know what you tell him about me too.”

Bucky groaned and threw himself back over the couch.

[opera-simplified]

Opera Simplified #3: Benvenuto Cellini

Benvenuto Cellini

Opera Simplified #3

The Basics:

Music: Hector Berlioz

Libretto: Henri Auguste Barbier and Léon de Wailly

Premiere: September 10, 1838; Salle le Peletier, Paris, France

Based on [very loosely]: Vita (Life), Benvenuto Cellini’s autobiography

Setting: Rome, the final days of Carnival, 1532

Characters:

Benvenuto Cellini, a goldsmith and sculptor—tenor

Teresa Balducci, his girlfriend—soprano

Fieramosca, her fiancé and the Pope’s official sculptor—baritone**

Giacomo Balducci, her father and the Pope’s treasurer—bass-baritone

Ascanio, Cellini’s apprentice—mezzo-soprano

Pope Clément VII, duh, the boss of the Roman Catholic Church—bass*

Francesco, one of Cellini’s assistants—tenor

Bernardino, another of Cellini’s assistants—bass

Pompeo, a swordsman and Fieramosca’s friend—baritone**

A Tavern Owner—tenor

A player in Cassandro’s troupe acting as Colombine—spoken

Requested by: @monotonous-minutia (once again, thank you both for enthusiastically reading this over and for making some of the videos featured in this Opera Simplified!)

*The Paris Opéra would not allow the Pope to be portrayed onstage for the premiere, so the character became Cardinal Salvati, although his music and function in the story remained identical. However, as it should be, virtually all available performances and recordings revert to the Pope, so as such (and according to Berlioz’s intentions), I will revert as well.

**Fieramosca and Pompeo were both originally intended to be played by tenors (according to the cast list given in the Bärenreiter critical edition), but they are universally played by baritones.

Additional Notes Before We Go: There are three versions of this opera: the first version (which I will call 1838 Original version) was the version that Berlioz initially presented to the Paris Opéra; the second (which I will call 1838 Premiere version) was the score actually performed in the initial run (which flopped) after cuts and censorship; the third version, which premiered in 1852 in the city of Weimar (thus it being called the Weimar version), had other cuts and more rearranging of sections in Act II.

In an attempt to follow both Berlioz’s intentions and modern performance/recording practice, this Opera Simplified will mostly follow the 1838 Original version, albeit with some elements from other versions. Those elements will be discussed by scene in the notes.

Also: Berlioz did envision the opera with spoken dialogue; recordings are split on the issue, although only one of the five productions I have watched uses spoken dialogue.

Finally, thanks to my university’s Fine Arts Library for having a very diverse collection of opera scores, including a Bärenreiter critical edition vocal-piano score of Benvenuto Cellini, which I consulted while researching and writing this Opera Simplified.

The Opera:

Benvenuto Cellini overture

Roman Carnival Overture (not to be confused with the opera’s actual overture (given above), although this uses two very lovely tunes from Act I of the opera)

Act I:

Scene 1:

Sunset on Shrove Monday, inside the Balducci house. At left is a table with two chairs. There are two doors, one on the left and one at the back. There is also a window at the right, where Teresa is standing and watching the Carnival revellers. Balducci enters, having just gotten dressed.

Balducci: Teresa!

*Crickets.*

Teresa! Where is she?

*Ditto.*

TERESA!

*Ditto.*

TERESA I’M NOT CALLING YOU AGAIN GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW WHERE ARE YOU

*Ditto, but this time he sees her.*

TERESA I SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU THAT YOU WEREN’T ALLOWED TO BE BY THE WINDOW ARE YOU DEAF

*Teresa reluctantly leaves the window.*

Fine time for daydreaming; I’ve been calling you for FOREVER! Look, the Pope’s waiting for me, could you be a nice daughter and get me my stuff? My walking stick, my gloves, my dagger, that collection of papers…?

*She hands him each in turn.*

Ugh, I can’t BELIEVE that the Pope is making me come in all the time, especially this late, every morning, every night it’s always “BALDUCCI WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THE SCULPTURE COMMISSION WITH CELLINI BLAH BLAH BLAH” and it’s EXHAUSTING. I mean, not to question the Pope or anything because that would be bad and sacrilegious and all, but the Pope has Fieramosca, who is not only a perfectly good sculptor and future son-in-law but also the official papal sculptor anyway, so why is he getting some lazy libertine metalworker from Florence, of all places, to make this sculpture? **

*He leaves, grumbling.*

Teresa: FINALLY HE’S LEAVING

*Balducci immediately returns.*

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME 

Balducci: Just to make sure that nothing happens while I’m gone, lemme give you a Quick Fatherly Lecture™ because of course that will be effective! Come here and listen closely. ***

WELL, YA GOT TROUBLE, MY CHILD, RIGHT HERE I SAY YA GOT TROUBLE RIGHT HERE IN THE ETERNAL CITY—shoot where was I going with this okay start over

NEVER LOOK AT THE MOON EVER BECAUSE LOOKING AT THE MOON IS THE LITTLE SEEMINGLY INNOCENT STEP THAT LEADS TO LIVES BEING RUINED AND YOU’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO SLEEP AGAIN BECAUSE YOU’LL BE TOO BUSY HAVING CATHOLIC GUILT AND REGRETTING ALL YOUR LIFE CHOICES YOU COQUETTISH GIRLS NEED TO WATCH YOUR HEARTS AND KEEP THEM PURE AND ALL THE OTHER STUFF YOU SHOULD’VE LEARNED AT SUNDAY SCHOOL AND THE WORLD IS A CRAZY, BAD PLACE ALSO YOU SHOULD ALWAYS WEAR A MASK (not just because masks help save lives during pandemics although that’s not the kind of mask I’m talking about at this moment) ALSO MEN ARE HIDEOUS AND APPEARANCES ARE DECEIVING AND UH THERE ARE A LOT OF DEMONS OUT THERE I GUESS SO WATCH OUT

*He leaves again. Teresa watches to make sure he is absolutely gone.*

Teresa: OKAY HE’S LEAVING FOR REAL THIS TIME

First off, that lecture made no sense whatsoever; second off, that was, like, literally torture or martyrdom or something; third off, I’m so relieved! I can breathe and relax and not worry again!

Cellini, Francesco, Bernardino, and Their Fellow Revellers: *outside, in the street* TRALALALALALA DE PROFUNDIS SOMETHING SOMETHING CARNIVAL WILL BURY SOMEONE TONIGHT TRALALALA ALL YOU FELLOW YOUNG ONES LIVE WELL AND NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE STOP CRYING AND ENJOY LIFE AND DRINK TO LUNDI GRAS AND TO CARNIVAL VIVA CARNIVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL

*Yet again, Balducci returns.*

Balducci: WHERE’S ALL THIS RACKET COMING FROM

Teresa: uggggggggggggggggggh not again hey Dad aren’t you supposed to be going to a meeting with the Pope

Balducci: I KNOW oh great all this noise is right outside I need to speak to whoever the noise control manager is I’M PRETTY SURE CELLINI AND HIS WILD CROWD IS MAKING ALL THIS NOISE TERESA AVOID ALL OF THEM AT ALL COSTS

*Cellini and his buddies throw what appears to be white confetti up through the window; they are actually white plaster pellets, which leave white dust all over Balducci.*

ARE YOU KIDDING ME I JUST GOT THIS NICE NEW OUTFIT AND THEY HAVE TO GO AND RUIN IT RIGHT BEFORE I’M SUPPOSED TO MEET WITH THE POPE IT’S TOO LATE TO CHANGE NOW SO I GUESS I’LL JUST HAVE TO GO LOOKING LIKE THIS YOU DAMN TUSCAN BOY I’LL HAVE MY REVENGE ON YOU SOMEDAY

Cellini, Francesco, Bernardino, and Their Fellow Revellers: LONG LIVE JOY LET’S BE HAPPY BECAUSE GOD GAVE US HAPPINESS AND LIFE SO LET’S NOT CRY AND INSTEAD JUST BE HAPPY

Teresa: BAHAHAHAHAHAHA DAD YOU LOOK LIKE A LEOPARD OR SOMETHING

Balducci: YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY DON’T YOU WELL IT ISN’T AND IN ANY CASE I DO LOOK LIKE A LEOPARD AND I HATE IT

*Teresa approaches the window and is immediately showered with flowers.*

TO THINK THAT OAF COULD EVER BE MY SON-IN-LAW I MEAN SERIOUSLY I WOULD RATHER BE HANGED THAN LET CELLINI MARRY YOU A CURSE ON THIS LAZY LIBERTINE FLORENTINE

Teresa: WELL DAD GET USED TO IT BECAUSE SOMEDAY HE’S GONNA BE YOUR SON-IN-LAW BECAUSE I’M GONNA MARRY HIM BECAUSE I’M COLOMBINE AND HE’S LÉANDRE AND WE’RE IN LOVE AND MEANT TO BE

I mean, me the wife of Cassandro? Could you imagine? A CURSE ON THE GUY YOU WANT ME TO MARRY ****

Cellini, Francesco, Bernardino, and Their Fellow Revellers: TRALALALALALA DE PROFUNDIS SOMETHING SOMETHING CARNIVAL WILL BURY SOMEONE TONIGHT TRALALALA ALL YOU FELLOW YOUNG ONES LIVE WELL AND NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE STOP CRYING AND ENJOY LIFE AND DRINK TO LUNDI GRAS AND TO CARNIVAL VIVA CARNIVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL

*Balducci leaves again.*

Teresa: Third time’s the charm...third time’s the charm...third time’s the charm…

*Balducci has truly left.*

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, these are all such pretty flowers, I can’t believe they threw all of these up here just for me...

*She sees a bouquet among all the flowers scattered around.*

Ooh, this is a lovely bouquet!

*She picks it up and a note falls out.*

A note? From Cellini! Oh goodness, bold as always like that, but honestly I kinda like it.

*She opens it.*

What?! He’s coming here, tonight, for a date?! My God! Well, my dad isn’t here and he’ll be busy for a while, so this is the perfect time! What to do now…?

When you’re torn between love and duty, you have a lot of problems and angst you just want to complain about to everyone but you can’t because no one will listen to you and everyone will judge you and it really sucks. It especially sucks because you have to fear what you desire and you can’t even hope for anything good in this world. I mean, how are you supposed to pretend that you don’t feel what your heart feels and that you’re not looking at what your eyes see? Life sometimes...well, you know what? I’m not having it!

Dad, I love you, and maybe when I’m as old as you I’ll be smarter and sadder and wiser and all that, but I’m young! I’ve got my whole life ahead of me, just waiting for me to live it to the fullest! It would be such a waste to be dull and unhappy!

Someday I’ll be old, and I don’t know, be a grandma maybe, and then it’ll be fine! Love won’t matter then! But I’m young now, and I’ve got my whole life ahead of me, and I want to live it while it’s still there! *****

*Cellini enters.*

CELLINI!

*She moves a little away.*

Cellini: Teresa, it’s alright! Don’t run away!

Teresa: Cellini, I love you but I’m not sure this is gonna work.

Cellini: You’re killin’ me here!

*Noise from outside.*

Teresa: WHAT WAS THAT

Cellini: It’s fine, I promise—

Teresa: NO I’M DONE FOR AND YOU NEED TO LEAVE BECAUSE MY DAD’S PROBABLY BACK AGAIN

Cellini: No, it’s just my friends celebrating Carnival outside. I promise. It’ll be okay, don’t worry.

Oh, Teresa, you are my happiness and I love you more than life itself! I’ve learned that if I’m far away from you, I lose all hope and happiness!

*Fieramosca, who has somehow gotten into the house unnoticed, tiptoes in while holding an enormous bouquet.*

Fieramosca: You don’t win girls by breaking locks and being all macho and stuff like that; you simply sneak in on tiptoe and that’s how you steal their hearts! I mean, I guess that’s how it works.

Teresa: I love you but this is crazy! Part of me just wants to abandon all of this but a part of me deep down knows we can never see each other again…

Fieramosca: She’s not alone! I thought her dad was leaving but maybe he’s actually here? No, wait, that can’t be him—oh, I can’t believe she’s alone with another guy!

Cellini: NO I SWEAR BY ALL THE SAINTS AND THE VIRGIN THAT LOVE WILL NEVER ABANDON YOU TO FIERAMOSCA

Fieramosca: OH MY GOD IT’S CELLINI I NEED TO HIDE

Cellini: I’M NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN NEVER GONNA RUN AROUND AND DESERT YOU NEVER GONNA MAKE YOU CRY NEVER GONNA SAY GOODBYE NEVER GONNA TELL A LIE AND HURT YOU

Fieramosca: *who is now hiding...somewhere* at least pick a good song, dammit ******

Teresa: MAY MY PATRON SAINT SAVE ME FROM THE DISASTER AND SHAME OF HAVING TO MARRY FIERAMOSCA ALSO IF I HAVE TO MARRY HIM I’LL DIE

Fieramosca: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh if only I could speak aloud or even whisper a word so they could hear me

Cellini: If I have to leave you, my life, my love, I’ll lose all hope…

Teresa: I really don’t know if this’ll work out...I want it to, but I’ll probably never be able to see you again…

Cellini: You marry FIERAMOSCA?! They want you to marry that stupid little such-and-such?!

Teresa: Me?! His WIFE?! I’D RATHER DIE THE CRUELLEST POSSIBLE DEATH A HUNDRED TIMES THAN MARRY HIM

Fieramosca: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh if only I had my sword instead of this stupid bouquet because obviously I didn’t bring both because obviously you can’t bring both

Cellini: CHILL honey don’t go straight to dying seriously why is that every young soprano’s go-to instead let’s plan to find a way to happiness!

Teresa: And your idea is…?

Fieramosca: if only I had my sword

Cellini: ALRIGHT THEN LISTEN UP

Teresa: shhhhhhh speak more softly what if someone hears us

Cellini: well there’s no one else here but I’ll speak more softly for you

Teresa: good point about no one else being here but thanks

Cellini: So tomorrow evening, Mardi Gras celebrations—

Teresa: Tomorrow evening, at Mardi Gras—

Fieramosca: Mardi Gras?

Cellini: Don’t miss the celebration; be there at the Piazza Colonna—

Fieramosca: what are they saying I can’t hear them well

Teresa: Piazza Colonna—

Fieramosca: ohhhhhhhhhh I think they said Piazza Colonna—

Cellini: where Cassandro—

Teresa: Cassandro—

Fieramosca: Cassandro?

Cellini: Is presenting a new show—

Fieramosca: wait what I didn’t hear about that I didn’t know they were doing a new show

Cellini: While your dad is watching the show, you’ll take the arm of a monk in brown—

Teresa: the arm of a monk in brown—

Fieramosca: I didn’t catch like any of that

Cellini: and one in white—

Teresa: one in white—

Fieramosca: white?

Cellini: One will be your lover—

Teresa: You!

Fieramosca: Him?

Cellini: And the other, my apprentice—

Teresa: Your apprentice—

Fieramosca: His apprentice?

Cellini: I’ll take you away—

Teresa: You’ll take me away—

Fieramosca: wait what

Cellini: to Florence—

Teresa: To Florence!

Fieramosca: Florence?

Cellini and Teresa: We’ll go to Florence together and get married and be happy for the rest of our lives!

Fieramosca: wait WHAT

Teresa: Wait, but what about my dad? I can’t just leave him—and also isn’t this kinda an offense against God?

Cellini: What? Teresa, that’s just your Intense Catholic Guilt™ again. If anyone’s offending God around here, it’s your father because he wants to rob you of all your life and love by putting you in a convent or even worse, marrying you off to Fieramosca!

Teresa: NOT FIERAMOSCA NO I’M NOT MARRYING HIM

Fieramosca: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh if only Balducci were here to see this

Teresa: WHO AM I KIDDING I CAN’T BEAR THE THOUGHT OF MARRYING HIM ALRIGHT I’LL DO THIS TAKE HEART WE’LL BE HAPPY TOMORROW EVENING

Cellini: Should we go over all the details of the plan again?

Teresa: YES!

Cellini: More softly, remember, Teresa, more softly like you said…

*Fieramosca moves closer in order to hear better.*

Tomorrow evening, at the Mardi Gras celebrations—

Teresa: Tomorrow evening, at Mardi Gras—

Cellini: Don’t miss the celebration—

Teresa: I won’t miss it—

Fieramosca: I most certainly won’t miss it—

Cellini: be there at the Piazza Colonna—

Teresa: Piazza Colonna—

Fieramosca: Piazza Colonna—

Cellini: where Cassandro—

Teresa: Cassandro—

Fieramosca: Cassandro—

Cellini: Is presenting a new show—

Teresa: A new show—

Fieramosca: A new show—

Cellini: While your dad is watching the show, you’ll take the arm of a monk in brown—

Teresa: the arm of a monk in brown—

Fieramosca: the arm of a monk in brown—

Cellini: and one in white—

Teresa: one in white—

Fieramosca: and one in white—

Cellini: One will be your lover—

Teresa: You!

Fieramosca: Him?

Teresa: Got it.

Cellini: And the other, my apprentice—

Teresa: Your apprentice—

Fieramosca: His apprentice!

Cellini: I’ll take you away—

Teresa: You’ll take me away—

Fieramosca: He’ll take her away! Well!

Cellini: to Florence—

Teresa: To Florence!

Fieramosca: To Florence!

Cellini and Teresa: We’ll go to Florence together and get married and be happy for the rest of our lives!

Fieramosca: THEY’LL GO TO FLORENCE TOGETHER AND GET MARRIED AND BE HAPPY FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES?!

Cellini: A beautiful promise! Teresa, I adore you! Love, protect her and let her make it tomorrow…

Fieramosca: YOU’RE BETRAYING ME BEWARE

Teresa: Holy Virgin, forgive me and calm my father and his anger!

Cellini and Teresa: WE’RE BOTH YOUNG AND HAPPY AND FULL OF LOVE SO WE SHOULDN’T BE RESORTING TO DEATH TO SOLVE OUR PROBLEMS ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN WE HAVE A HAPPY FUTURE ALREADY WITHIN REACH SO LET’S LEAVE THIS CITY AND FIND HAPPINESS UNDER OTHER SKIES AND HAVE HOPE AND GO TO FLORENCE

Fieramosca: YOU TRAITORS BEWARE BECAUSE I HAVE STANDARD BARITONE HATRED AND RAGE AND I WILL USE IT TO RUIN YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE PLANS SO BEWARE

Cellini, Teresa, and Fieramosca: Tomorrow evening!

Cellini: Piazza Colonna—

Teresa: Shh!

Cellini: Near Cassandro’s theater—

Teresa: Shh!

Cellini: A monk in white—

Teresa: Yes, I’ll be there!

Fieramosca: Well then, I’ll be there too!

Cellini and Teresa: Take heart and have hope!

Cellini, Teresa, and Fieramosca: Tomorrow evening!

*Teresa hears footsteps and looks outside.*

Teresa: OH SHOOT OH SHOOT IT’S MY DAD WE’RE DONE FOR

Cellini: Are you sure?

Teresa: HE’S RIGHT OUTSIDE

Fieramosca: obviously the best solution to this problem is to hide in my fiancée’s bedroom

*Which he does.*

Cellini: Where should I go? Your bedroom?...

Teresa: NO THERE’S NOT ENOUGH TIME FOR YOU TO MAKE IT IN THERE 

Cellini: He’s coming...

Teresa: GOD HELP US

*Cellini quickly flattens himself against the wall by the door. Balducci opens the door; he is shocked to see Teresa and forgets to close it, allowing Cellini to hide between the door and the wall.*

Balducci: You’re still up? It’s really late; I thought you would be in bed by now!

Teresa: *trying to improv and pointing to her bedroom* Dad...there’s a man in there…

Balducci: A MAN?!?!

Teresa: Uh, yeah...when I went to go to bed...I heard a strange noise in there...it sounded like a man…

Balducci: A MAN?!?! I’M GONNA GO BEAT THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF WHATEVER HORRIBLE MAN DARES COME HERE AND ENTER MY DAUGHTER’S BEDROOM

*He runs into Teresa’s bedroom. Cellini comes out from his hiding place.*

Teresa: Go while I’ve bought you some time!

Cellini: Thank you, my love! See you tomorrow evening!

Teresa: See you then!

*Cellini leaves.*

Teresa: Oh, boy, I’m afraid this won’t go well.

Balducci: *from Teresa’s room* YOU BASTARD I’VE FOUND YOU

Teresa: Wait, there’s actually a man in my bedroom? Well, that’s convenient.

*Balducci drags Fieramosca, who is still holding his bouquet, out of the bedroom.*

Balducci: COME WITH ME OR ELSE I’LL KILL YOU

*He recognizes Fieramosca.*

What? You, Fieramosca?

Teresa: BAHAHAHAHA WHAT AN UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT

Fieramosca: First off, I wasn’t trying to rob you—

Balducci: THIS IS MUCH WORSE THAN THAT ALSO WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN MY DAUGHTER’S BEDROOM

Teresa: YEAH WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN MY BEDROOM

Fieramosca: Uh, well, it’s very simple, really...I came…

Balducci: YEAH I KNOW THAT

Fieramosca: I...I was coming just to visit.

Balducci: ‘I was coming just to visit!’ A visit, late at night, when I’m not here, HIDING IN MY DAUGHTER’S BEDROOM YOU HORRIBLE PERSON

Teresa: EXCUSE ME IT COULD HAVE LOOKED SO BAD THAT I WOULD HAVE BEEN EXCOMMUNICATED

Fieramosca: ...I’m pretty sure that that’s not how excommunication works.

Teresa: WHAT AUDACITY

Fieramosca: I swear, it’s not what it looks like—

Balducci: THAT’S WHAT THEY ALL SAY

Fieramosca: But Mr. Balducci, sir, I swear—

Balducci: THE FACTS SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES

Fieramosca: My God, you think I would be the one to do such a thing?

Balducci: Well, who else, you horrible person?

Teresa: (You traitor!)

Fieramosca: IT’S CELLINI

Teresa: CELLINI???

Balducci: CELLINI?!?!

Fieramosca: CELLINI!!!

Balducci: You call yourself Cellini! Have you lost your mind?

Fieramosca: No, no, WAIT!!!

Balducci: ENOUGH OF THIS

*He opens the window and starts yelling. Teresa also sticks her head outside and starts yelling.*

Teresa and Balducci: HEY EVERYONE GAETANA CATARINA FORNARINA PETRONILLA SCHOLASTICA AND EVERY OTHER NAME IN THE BABY BOOK COME HERE

Fieramosca: PLEASE STOP MAKING SUCH A HUGE RACKET 

*Teresa runs out the back door to call for help.*

Neighbors: *offstage* UGGGGGGGGH WHY ARE YOU NEIGHBORS FIGHTING AND MAKING SO MUCH NOISE

Balducci: A LIBERTINE IS IN MY HOUSE HE WAS HIDING IN MY DAUGHTER’S BEDROOM HELP US TEACH HIM A LESSON AND GET HIM OUT OF HERE

Neighbors: OH THAT’S A DIFFERENT STORY

Fieramosca: I’M NOT A LIBERTINE I’M A GOOD UPSTANDING PERSON PLEASE LISTEN TO ME THIS IS HIGHLY EMBARRASSING

*Balducci goes away from the window and Teresa returns.*

Teresa and Balducci: Fieramosca, you’re in good hands.

Fieramosca: THIS ISN’T AN ALLSTATE COMMERCIAL AND THIS ISN’T FUNNY

Teresa and Balducci: What’s Allstate? Oh, never mind.

Balducci: ONLY WOMEN CAN SHOW THE RIGHT WAY TO EXTRAVAGANT MEN LIKE YOURSELF

Fieramosca: Left to the mercy of women!...NO THIS IS HORRIBLE I FEEL LIKE I’M ORPHEUS BEING TORN APART BY THE BACCHANATES *******

*He tries to escape in one direction but is blocked by a large crowd of women armed with household objects.*

Neighbors: WE’RE GONNA TEACH YOU LIBERTINE A LESSON BECAUSE YOU’RE MESSING WITH A WOMAN’S HONOR SO YOU’RE GONNA TAKE A VERY UNPLEASANT BATH

*Fieramosca tries to escape in another direction but the same thing happens with a different crowd of women.*

Fieramosca: I just came here to have a good time and I honestly am feeling so attacked right now :(

Neighbors: LET’S TAKE HIM INTO THE GARDEN AND DUNK HIM IN THE HUGE FOUNTAIN YOU COWARD YOU’RE GONNA TAKE A BATH

*The same thing happens with a third crowd.*

YOU WRETCHED HONORLESS COWARD YOU’RE GONNA TAKE A BIG BATH IN THAT FOUNTAIN AND THE POND AND WE’RE GONNA LEAVE YOU THERE UNTIL MORNING YES YOU’RE GONNA BE IN THERE ALL NIGHT AND THERE’S NOTHING THAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU CRY LIKE THE LITTLE BABY YOU ARE

Teresa and Balducci: YEAH BEAT HIM UP AND DUNK HIM IN THE FOUNTAIN SO HE CAN LEARN A LESSON THAT HE WILL NEVER FORGET

Fieramosca: YOU SHREWS WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME I REALLY DON’T WANT TO BE STRIPPED NAKED AND DUNKED INTO THE WATER AND LEFT THERE ALL NIGHT I REALLY NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION

*He starts running around trying to find a means of escape.*

I’M ORPHEUS AND I’M BEING TORN APART BY THE BACCHANTES HOW DARE THEY TREAT ME LIKE I’M A LIBERTINE I SWEAR I’M A MAN OF HONOR AND I REALLY JUST NEED TO RUN AWAY

*Exit, hurriedly, pursued by the neighbors. Not quite as terrifying as a bear, but close. [We later find out that they successfully caught him and dunked him in the fountain anyway.]*

Notes

Scene 2: 

Evening, Mardi Gras. A tavern on the corner of the Piazza Colonna and the Via del Corso, with a view of Cassandro’s theater. Cellini is alone.

Cellini: Teresa will be here, at the Piazza Colonna, in only one more hour! Love, on this joyous day of Mardi Gras, let my heart be the happiest of them all! And if you don’t, ah, you are ungrateful!

I used to only care about glory, the kind of crazy noble hope that only artists have, but that’s all changed now and I reject it all; Teresa alone rules my heart! Love, see what I’ve done and how I’ve changed for you: protect her and protect me!

Teresa once lived so peacefully—like a stream flowing by far from the sea, her days and years passed by, one after the other, all the same, as they were supposed to. But she loves me enough that she’s willing to give that security up, and not only that, she wants to take up my life of wandering and misery instead, just because she loves me! Love, see what she does for you: protect her and protect me! **

*Francesco, Bernardino, and a bunch of Cellini’s friends and fellow goldsmiths enter, fully ready to party.*

Everyone: ALRIGHT EVERYONE LET’S GET WASTED (or not but whatevs we just want to drink)

Bernardino: TRALALALALALALALALA I AM AN EXCELLENT SINGER TRALALALALALALA LET’S ALL SING TRALALALALALALALALA

Cellini: Very well, but for the love of everything holy, please don’t sing any of those lowbrow drinking songs or ballads about sweethearts that EVERYONE sings in taverns. Let’s sing about how awesome metalworking is—a toast to our glory!

Everyone: THE EARTH MAY GROW AWESOME STUFF ON THE SURFACE WHEN THE WEATHER IS GOOD BUT PEOPLE CAN GET METAL FROM THE BOWELS OF THE EARTH AT ANY TIME 

HONOR TO THE MASTER METALWORKERS!!!! WE CAN CREATE TREASURE FROM WHAT’S BENEATH THE EARTH ANYTIME AND ANYWHERE

WHEN THE MASTER METALWORKER WORKS, GOLD SHINES LIKE THE SUN AND RUBIES LIKE FIRE IN THE NIGHT AND EVEN THE DIAMONDS AND TOPAZES SPARKLE AT NIGHT WITH THE STARS

When the world was created, artistic genius was given to four kinds of artists, each with their own tools: the architects have stone, the painters have color, the sculptors have marble, and those are cool and all, BUT WE THE METALWORKERS HAVE GOLD

METALS, THE UNDERGROUND NEVER-FADING FLOWERS, SHINE BRIGHTEST ON THE BROWS OF ALL THE GREATEST PEOPLE—THE KINGS AND QUEENS AND DUKES AND EMPERORS AND EVEN POPES—SO HONOR TO THE MASTER METALWORKERS

Bernardino: HEY everyone let’s have a moment of silence

Cellini: For what?

Bernardino: BEFORE WE START SINGING AGAIN LET’S ALL GET SOME MORE DRINKS

Everyone Else: YEAH WE NEED MORE WINE BECAUSE WE ALREADY DRANK WHAT WE GOT HEY TAVERN OWNER COME HERE

*The tavern owner, who is (probably) super-annoyed with everyone and definitely needs a nice vacay, comes in.*

Tavern Owner: uggggggggggggh whaddya want?

Everyone Else: WE WANT WINE

Tavern Owner: WE’RE OUT THANK YOU

Cellini: THIS IS LITERALLY A TAVERN HOW COULD YOU BE OUT OF WINE

Tavern Owner: Well, actually, we’re technically not out of wine but you’ve already had too much and if you want to drink more…

Everyone Else: Then...?

Tavern Owner: ...you need to pay up for the wine you’ve already had.

Everyone Else: Well, what do we owe you?

*The tavern owner gets out an exceedingly long list.*

Tavern Owner: Well, you asked for it, so here’s the whole long list of everything you bought:

First, white wines: Orvieto and Aleatico and Maraschino—that’s thirty.

Everyone Else: Thirty already?

Tavern Owner: Next up, reds: Ischia and Procida and Nisita—that makes sixty.

Everyone Else: wait SIXTY BOTTLES

Tavern Owner: And that’s not the half. There’s also Asti sparkling wine, Lipari wine, Lacryma-Christi (Jesus, you people drink a lot of the dude’s tears)—which brings the total to exactly one hundred and thirty bottles of wine.

Everyone Else: ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY BOTTLES SWEET JESUS WHO THE HELL BOUGHT THAT MANY

Tavern Owner: ...You people did. Not my problem.

Cellini: EVEN THE TRUMPETS OF THE LAST JUDGMENT WOULD BE LESS SCARY THAN THE VOICE AND THE LIST OF THE TAVERN OWNER

Francesco, Bernardino, and Cellini’s Friends and Workers: YEAH THIS IS HORRIBLE

Cellini: Hmm, how do we get out of this sticky situation?

Francesco, Bernardino, and Cellini’s Friends and Workers: LET’S BEAT UP THE TAVERN OWNER

Cellini: Nah. Let’s think about this.

Francesco, Bernardino, and Cellini’s Friends and Workers: awwwwwwww but we wanted to beat him up

*The tavern owner runs off.*

Cellini: Maybe Ascanio will save us!

*Ascanio, who is apparently well-versed in reality shows, comes in at that exact moment with a bag of money.*

Everyone: HURRAY THERE HE IS HE’S COME TO SAVE US LONG LIVE ASCANIO

*Cellini runs over to greet him.*

Cellini: THERE YOU ARE I’M SO GLAD TO SEE YOU LET’S CHAT AND LET ME HAVE THE MONEY IT LOOKS LIKE THE POPE GAVE YOU FOR THE STATUE

Ascanio: Hold on, wait a sec! I’m ready to drink as much as any of you, but first I need to tell you something very important.

This is indeed from the Pope: it’s advance money for the casting of the Perseus statue, which everyone on the Italian peninsula is waiting for with baited breath! There’s one condition attached, though: you must have the statue done tomorrow. I need your oath. ***

Cellini: Tomorrow? Very well, nothing I can’t handle. I swear it.

Francesco, Bernardino, and Cellini’s Friends and Workers: AND WE SWEAR IT TOO SINCE WE’RE GONNA HELP CAST IT

Everyone: WE GIVE OUR WORD THAT THE STATUE WILL BE CAST TOMORROW WITHOUT ANY DELAY

Ascanio: Alright, now I can feel good about giving you this money since you’ve all promised. I hear you have to pay off a bill; here you go.

*Cellini empties the bag and examines the contents, visibly disappointed.*

Cellini: That’s IT???

Francesco and Bernardino: That’s practically nothing!

Ascanio: Hey, not my fault that Balducci is an old, grouchy fool.

Cellini: Well, he doesn’t like me anyway, and at least this is definitely enough to pay the bill. Waiter!

*The tavern owner comes back. Cellini mimics his nasal voice.*

Here’s your precious money to pay off your precious bill!

*The tavern owner, trembling, accepts the money.*

Tavern Owner: FINALLY THANK YOU do you want to drink?

Everyone Else: YEAH GET US SOME MORE WINE

*He goes off.*

Cellini: HEY EVERYONE I HAVE THE BEST IDEA TO GET REVENGE ON BALDUCCI FOR PAYING ME SO BADLY so I know that Balducci is coming to see Cassandro’s show at the Carnival celebrations tonight so since we’re buddies with Cassandro and his troupe whaddya say to paying the troupe to make fun of Balducci in the show tonight and even maybe getting in on shaming and humiliating him ourselves???

Everyone Else: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY THAT SOUNDS AWESOME

Cellini: ANATHEMA ON GIACOMO BALDUCCI

Everyone Else: YEAH HE CAN GO SUCK IT MEANWHILE WE’RE GONNA MAKE ALL OF ROME LAUGH AT HIM SO LET’S GO TO CASSANDRO’S

Everyone: GLORY TO US LET’S SING THE SONG ABOUT HOW AWESOME METALWORKERS ARE AGAIN

Cellini: Just the last part—that’s the best verse!

Everyone: METALS, THE UNDERGROUND NEVER-FADING FLOWERS, SHINE BRIGHTEST ON THE BROWS OF ALL THE GREATEST PEOPLE—THE KINGS AND QUEENS AND DUKES AND EMPERORS AND EVEN POPES—SO HONOR TO THE MASTER METALWORKERS

*Fieramosca, who has been spying on all this, comes out of his hiding place.*

Fieramosca: IT’S TOO MUCH ALL THIS SHAMELESS PLOTTING AND I WON’T LET HIM GET AWAY WITH THIS ****

*Pompeo casually strolls in.*

Pompeo: Hey, what’s up with you?

Fieramosca: WHAT’S UP WITH ME??? MY LIFE IS FALLING APART AND I’M FILLED WITH RAGE BECAUSE CELLINI—

Pompeo: oh what did he do NOW

*Fieramosca runs over to Pompeo and embraces him.*

Fieramosca: POMPEO MY DEAR FRIEND MY SAVIOR

Pompeo: oh wait I heard what happened to you yesterday.

Fieramosca: You know? I haven’t even told you yet!

Pompeo: Everyone knows. You got beaten up and dunked into a fountain.

Fieramosca: PLEASE DON’T TALK ABOUT IT DEAR POMPEO ANYWAY THE WHOLE SITUATION GETS MUCH WORSE

Pompeo: How so?

Fieramosca: TERESA AND HER DAD ARE GONNA SEE CASSANDRO’S SHOW AT CARNIVAL TONIGHT

Pompeo: ...I fail to see the problem.

Fieramosca: THE PROBLEM IS THAT WHILE THE SHOW’S GOING ON AND BALDUCCI’S DISTRACTED A WHITE FRIAR AND A CAPUCHIN ARE GOING TO CARRY OFF MY FIANCÉE

Pompeo: Bravo!

Fieramosca: YOU’RE MISSING THE POINT THE WHITE FRIAR IS CELLINI AND THE CAPUCHIN IS HIS APPRENTICE ASCANIO

Pompeo: Bravo!

Fieramosca: ...Excuse me?

Pompeo: Long live boldness!

Fieramosca: I don’t care what happens to me but I’m going to tell Mr. Balducci about this plan and we’ll see if he cries ‘Bravo!’

Pompeo: oh my goodness you IDIOT do you not get it

Fieramosca: What?

Pompeo: I love you, but since you’re obviously not the sharpest tool in the shed, let me explain it to you in small words so you can understand: since you know his plan, use the plan yourself.

Fieramosca: but HOW

Pompeo: omg this is so frustrating you dress up as a White Friar and I dress up as a Capuchin and we get there before Cellini and Ascanio 

Fieramosca: good idea BUT WHAT IF CELLINI SEES ME HE’S GONNA KILL ME

Pompeo: DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT YOU HAVE ME AND I’M A PRO AT THIS

Fieramosca: Very well.

WHO CAN STAND UP TO ME WAS I NOT BORN TO FIGHT WOE TO THE MAN WHO DARES CROSS ME AND EVEN MORE WOE TO THE MAN WHO DARES MOCK ME BECAUSE I’M AS QUICK TO A SWORD AS TO ANGER HERE’S A QUARTE HERE’S A TIERCE LONG LIVE FENCING WHICH (aside from sculpting and getting humiliated by my fiancée and the guy she likes I guess) IS MY BEST SKILL *****

TERESA MY HEART IS BURNING FOR YOU LIKE MOUNT VESUVIUS BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH THAT IF YOU WANTED ME TO I’D MAKE WAR ON HELL AND EVERYONE IN IT AND I’D EVEN FIGHT CELLINI AND NOT EVEN A HUNDRED CELLINIS COULD KNOCK ME DOWN

NO!  NO ONE CAN STAND UP TO ME WAS I NOT BORN TO FIGHT WOE TO THE MAN WHO DARES CROSS ME AND EVEN MORE WOE TO THE MAN WHO DARES MOCK ME BECAUSE I’M AS QUICK TO A SWORD AS TO ANGER HERE’S A QUARTE HERE’S A TIERCE LONG LIVE FENCING WHICH IS MY BEST SKILL

*He grabs his sword or some other random object and starts mock-swordfighting. Popping random balloons is optional but strongly encouraged.*

ONE TWO THREE ONE TWO THREE THRUST PARRY ONE TWO ONE...DEAD! I MERCILESSLY STAB HIM THROUGH THE HEART AND I AM VICTORIOUS

Pompeo: Bravo! Now let’s go. The party’s almost starting.

Fieramosca: Dear Pompeo, let me embrace you!

*They hug.*

Pompeo: Now let’s get a couple habits from...somewhere. Don’t be afraid. Everything will go just fine.

*They leave together.*

Notes

Scene 3:

The Piazza Colonna a short time later, with Cassandro’s theater and everything decked out for Carnival.

Balducci: I really hope you appreciate that I’m taking you to the theater at your request, even though you know that all I do at the theater is complain about the actors and you know that I don’t like theater anyway. Anyway, let’s see what weird new show all the kids these days are talking about.

*He goes to read the advertisement for the show, leaving Teresa alone.*

Teresa: What should I do? Could I really leave my old father alone and break his heart?

*She goes over to her father. Cellini, dressed in a white habit, and Ascanio, dressed in a brown habit, enter.* **

Cellini and Ascanio: let’s keep our project on the down-low and let the troupers distract Balducci and then work together and get Teresa and then go to the notary!

Teresa: Could I really leave my father behind? Then again, maybe, when we get married, he’ll learn to accept it!

Balducci: I REALLY HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS BECAUSE I KNOW I WON’T

Cellini and Ascanio: let’s let this plan play out!

*The four of them get lost in the crowd.*

Revellers: HEY EVERYONE CASSANDRO IS PRESENTING A NEW SHOW SO STICK AROUND AND SEE IF IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE IF IT’S NOT WE’LL BOO OUR HEADS OFF

*A group of dancers with tambourines enters, along with Francesco, Bernardino, and the members of Cassandro’s troupe. Teresa and even Balducci get mixed in with the dancers. People mingle in the square and start to join in with the dancing.*

Francesco, Bernardino, and Troupers: HEY EVERYONE COME HERE COME SEE THIS AWESOME NEW SHOW

Revellers: BRAVO BRAVO

Francesco, Bernardino, and Troupers: HEY EVERYONE COME SEE CASSANDRO AND HIS AWESOME NEW SHOW

Revellers: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY BRAVO BRAVO

IT’S DARK BUT WE’RE ALL SO HAPPY AND THE CITY IS SO NOISY AND WE’RE ALL IN LOVE AND A LITTLE BIT DRUNK HOW COULD YOU BE SAD

Francesco, Bernardino, and Troupers: C’MON COME SEE THE SHOW

Revellers: HEY MUSICIANS PLAY ON WE LOVE YOUR MOOD

Francesco, Bernardino, and Troupers: HEY EVERYONE WE DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE A DOCTOR OR A JOKER COME SEE OUR AWESOME SHOW

Revellers: LONG LIVE JOY LET’S DROWN IN JOY LET’S DRINK AND SING AND DANCE

Francesco, Bernardino, and Troupers: ALL YOU MASQUERADERS COME SEE THE SHOW TOO

Teresa and Revellers: CARNIVAL IS A HUGE PARTY WHERE EVERYONE IS HAPPY AND THE WORLD TURNS UPSIDE DOWN

Francesco, Bernardino, and Troupers: HEY EVERYONE WE’RE GONNA KEEP SAYING IT COME SEE OUR AWESOME NEW SHOW

Revellers: WHO ELSE IS EXCITED ABOUT THIS NEW SHOW

Francesco, Bernardino, and Troupers: DON’T GO AWAY BECAUSE CARNIVAL AIN’T COMPLETE WITHOUT US AND OUR AWESOME SHOWS

Some of the Revellers: KEEP YELLING AT US IF YOU WANT BUT WE THINK DANCING’S MORE FUN SORRY NOT SORRY

Francesco, Bernardino, and Troupers: WE DON’T CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU STUPID DANCERS THINK EVERYONE COME SEE THE SHOW

Teresa and Revellers: WE LOVE TO DANCE AND ALL THE WORLD IS A BALL SO LET’S DANCE WHILE WE CAN

Francesco, Bernardino, and Troupers: EVERYONE COME SEE OUR NEW SHOW CASSANDRO’S AWESOME AND YOUR DANCING IS STUPID

Revellers: WHAT A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT CARNIVAL IS A HUGE PARTY THAT MAKES THE CITY BURN WITH DELIGHT AND THE WORLD TURN UPSIDE DOWN

*The trumpeters signal the beginning of the show. Most of the people take seats near the stage, including Teresa and Balducci. Cellini and Ascanio grab seats on the left. Fieramosca (dressed in white) and Pompeo (dressed in brown) find seats on the right.*

Men: HEY EVERYONE STOP DANCING THE SHOW’S ABOUT TO START

Women: YEAH EVERYONE BE QUIET THE SHOW’S STARTING

*The curtain of the theater rises to reveal four actors onstage: a man dressed like the Pope, a man dressed like Balducci sitting on a throne, and two men dressed like Swiss Guards and holding money and laurels.*

People: LOOK THERE’S THE POPE AND HIS TREASURER BALDUCCI

Balducci: OH SO THIS IS HOW IT IS THEY’RE GONNA MOCK ME ONSTAGE HUH

Teresa: oh no oh no let’s go, Dad!

Balducci: Well, I paid to see this stupid show so I might as well stay here and see the whole thing and see myself get completely and utterly humiliated. After this, though, I'm going to go speak to the Pope about how the people are making fun of us and about the utter blasphemy they’re committing!

People: HEY YOU OVER THERE SHUT UP WE CAN’T HEAR THE SHOW

Cellini: Hey, Ascanio, do you see Teresa?

Ascanio: She’s over there.

Fieramosca: Hey, Pompeo, do you see Teresa?

Pompeo: She’s over there.

Teresa: this is the most embarrassing thing ever

People: HEY EVERYONE SHUT UP

Balducci: BUT I DON’T WANNA SHUT UP

People: CAN IT

*Colombine enters.*

Colombine: HEY EVERYONE OUR SHOW’S STARTING AND WE HAVE A TREAT FOR YOU BECAUSE HARLEQUIN AND PIERROT ARE GONNA COMPETE IN THE ITALIAN PENINSULA’S GOT TALENT TO SEE WHO’S THE BETTER SINGER ***

People: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

*The actors playing Harlequin and Pierrot enter.*

Some People: HARLEQUIN IS BEING PLAYED BY THE BEST TENOR IN ROME

Other People: PIERROT IS BEING PLAYED BY A SINGER FROM TUSCANY BUT IS HE ACTUALLY A MAN OR JUST AN ASS

Women: PLEASE BE QUIET HARLEQUIN IS ABOUT TO SING

Men: YOU BE QUIET

*Harlequin (in pantomime) sings and accompanies himself on the lyre. Some people continue talking; the fake Balducci falls asleep.*

Men: Well done! Bravo! You damn chatterboxes need to shut up!

Women: YOU HAVE TO WATCH HARLEQUIN HE’S BEING PLAYED BY ROME’S FINEST TENOR

Everyone: HE’S SUCH A GOOD SINGER AND HE’S DOING SO WELL EVEN THOUGH TECHNICALLY HE’S NOT ACTUALLY SINGING

*Harlequin’s section comes to an end. Pierrot (again, in pantomime) sings and accompanies himself on the bass drum. The people all listen attentively; the fake Balducci wakes up and, delighted, beats to the time of the music.*

Some People: LOOK HOW MUCH THE OLD TREASURER IS ENJOYING THIS

Balducci: THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR I NEED TO SPEAK TO THE MANAGER OF THIS

Some People: STOP BEING SUCH A KAREN

Balducci: WHAT’S A KAREN

Some People: NEVER MIND YOU’RE TOO FOOLISH TO UNDERSTAND

Other People: HAHAHAHAHA THE OLD MAN IS SO HAPPY HAHAHAHAHAHA

*When the song is over, Harlequin and Pierrot both wait, expecting the prize. The fake Balducci gives a small coin to Harlequin, who is visibly disappointed, and then gives the rest of the money to Pierrot.*

People: Well, when the judge has an ass’s ears…

Balducci: SCREW YOU ALL I DEMAND TO SEE THE MANAGER OF THIS OPERATION

Teresa: please be quiet you’re only making them laugh louder

*The fake Balducci gives the laurel wreath to Pierrot. Harlequin then hits both of the other actors with a wooden sword. Colombine unsuccessfully attempts to intervene.*

People: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY BRAVI THIS IS THE BEST SHOW EVER

Balducci: FINE SINCE I CAN’T SPEAK TO THE MANAGER I’M GONNA TAKE THIS INTO MY OWN HANDS

*He jumps up from his seat, runs onstage, and begins attacking the comedians with his cane.*

Teresa: oh my GOD DAD STOP BEING SUCH A KAREN

People: LONG LIVE CARNIVAL BRAVI THE ORIGINAL AND THE ACTOR ARE FACE TO FACE SO NOW WE GET TO SEE WHICH IS UGLIER

*Some of the people stay to watch the fight between Balducci and the comedians, while others go back to dancing and mingling. Several people carrying moccoli (little candles often carried at Carnival) mix with the crowd. People keep blowing out and relighting the moccoli. Several coaches are bearing torches; these are blown out from apartment windows above by people bearing large bellows. Cellini, Ascanio, Fieramosca, and Pompeo make their way through the crowd, trying to find Teresa. In general, it’s absolute pandemonium; what else would you expect?* ****

Cellini and Fieramosca: *to their respective assistants* Come on, let’s push our way through this huge crowd and get Teresa!

*Teresa has made her way downstage and is looking for Cellini and Ascanio when she sees, but does not definitively recognize, them.*

Teresa: OH HEY I THINK THAT’S CELLINI WITH ASCANIO

*She sees Fieramosca and Pompeo in their disguises but does not recognize them.*

WAIT WHAT WHY IS THERE ANOTHER WHITE FRIAR AND CAPUCHIN MONK DUO WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS

Fieramosca: HI IT’S ME

Cellini: HI IT’S ME

Teresa: WHICH ONE IS THE ORIGINAL

Revellers: MOCCOLI MOCCOLI MOCCOLI

Cellini and Fieramosca: IT’S ME COME WITH ME

Revellers: MOCCOLI MOCCOLI MOCCOLI

Other Revellers: YOU MOCCOLI PEOPLE ARE SO ANNOYING

Revellers: MOCCOLI MOCCOLI IT KINDA RHYMES WITH BROCCOLI MOCCOLI MOCCOLI

Cellini: THERE’S ANOTHER MONK HERE THERE’S SOME TREACHERY AFOOT GOD DAMN IT

Pompeo: C’MON FIERAMOSCA WE CAN DO THIS DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT

Fieramosca: this is the worst plan EVER

Pompeo: KEEP GOING ANYWAY

Ascanio: WE NEED TO AVENGE THIS TREACHERY

Pompeo: SERIOUSLY FIERAMOSCA I LOVE YOU BUT PLEASE STOP WORRYING ABOUT THIS

*Cellini draws his sword.*

Cellini: I DON’T CARE WHO YOU ARE YOU ASKED FOR IT BECAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE YOU’RE TRYING TO KIDNAP MY GIRLFRIEND

Fieramosca: POMPEO PLEASE COME OVER HERE AND HELP ME OUT BECAUSE I’M GETTING SCARED

Ascanio: *running after Fieramosca* I WILL GET YOU

*Ascanio, Fieramosca, and Pompeo all draw their swords. Cellini fights Pompeo; Ascanio fights Fieramosca.*

Teresa: FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE SOMEONE STOP THIS

*Some of the revellers unsuccessfully attempt to restrain the four fighters.*

Revellers: HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND IT’S CARNIVAL THIS ISN’T A TIME FOR FIGHTING

Cellini: NO I HAVEN’T LOST MY MIND

Teresa: EVERYONE STOP IT

Fieramosca: *running away from Ascanio* SOMEONE HELP ME

Pompeo: KEEP GOING

Cellini: YOU ARE NOT GETTING AWAY WITH THIS

Fieramosca: SERIOUSLY SOMEONE HELP ME

Cellini: NO YOU’RE NOT GETTING AWAY WITH THIS NO

*He runs Pompeo through with his sword. Everyone immediately stops what they’re doing and screams.*

Pompeo: I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THAT I AM DEAD

*He dies.*

People: OH SHIT A DUDE JUST GOT MURDERED FIRE POLICE AMBULANCE

*Balducci, in a state of disarray from the fight, returns.*

Balducci: GOOD LORD THERE’S A DEAD MAN WHERE’S MY DAUGHTER

*Guards arrive. Fieramosca runs over to Pompeo’s body, checking behind him because he believes that Ascanio is still following him.*

Fieramosca: HELP ME....OH MY GOD POMPEO’S DEAD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

People: *pointing to Cellini* ARREST THAT FRIAR HE DID IT AND HIS SWORD STILL HAS THAT DUDE’S BLOOD ALL OVER IT

*Cellini is arrested. Everyone gathers around him.*

Cellini: I’M DONE FOR

Fieramosca: I’m saved…

Francesco and Bernardino: THEY CAUGHT OUR MASTER

Ascanio: MY POOR MASTER DOESN’T DESERVE THIS

Fieramosca: WE GOT ‘IM

Teresa: WHY IS FATE SO CRUEL

Teresa, Balducci, Francesco, and the Troupers: THIS IS THE WORST NIGHT EVER

Women: Such a good man killed…

Men: A KNAVE DID THIS

*Cellini’s friends and assistants pretend not to recognize him in order to more effectively set up their plan.*

Fieramosca, Balducci, Francesco, Bernardino, and People: HOW COULD THIS MAN MURDER A CAPUCHIN THAT’S LIKE THE WORST THING EVER HE’S PROBABLY A BANDIT FROM THE COUNTRYSIDE OR A SPURNED LOVER OR SOMETHING KEEP A GOOD GRIP ON HIM

Teresa: HE RUINED HIMSELF FOR MY SAKE I FEEL AWFUL I DIDN’T KNOW THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN BUT I STILL FEEL AWFUL ALSO HOW DARE YOU PEOPLE TREAT HIM LIKE A MONSTER

Cellini: THIS IS THE WORST NIGHT EVER HOW DARE YOU PEOPLE TREAT ME LIKE A MONSTER

Ascanio: MY DEAR MASTER I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE DOING THIS TO YOU AND TREATING YOU LIKE A MONSTER

*Suddenly, the cannon of the Castel di Sant’Angelo booms three times. As presumably per end-of-Carnival tradition, everyone blows out their candles and torches, plunging the square into darkness.* *****

Cellini: MY FRIENDS HELP ME I’VE BEEN CAUGHT

*Francesco, Bernardino, and others create a large commotion. In the general confusion caused by that, the darkness, and the booming of the cannon, Cellini pushes his way through the crowd and escapes.*

People: WE CAN’T SEE ANYTHING

Fieramosca, Balducci, and Chorus: HEY GUARDS DO YOU STILL HAVE HIM

Guards: NO WE DON’T HELP US

People: BUT YOU’RE THE ONES WHO WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE HIM

Teresa, Ascanio, Francesco, Bernardino, and Cellini’s Other Friends and Workers: THANK GOODNESS HE ESCAPED

Fieramosca and Balducci: WHAT THE H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEYSTICKS WE JUST HAD HIM

Teresa, Ascanio, Francesco, Bernardino, and Cellini’s Other Friends and Workers: THANK YOU CANNON FOR SOUNDING AT JUST THE RIGHT TIME SO HE COULD ESCAPE

Fieramosca, Balducci, and People: CURSE YOU STUPID CANNON WE JUST HAD HIM WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO OFF NOW

Balducci: TERESA COME HERE

Teresa: DAD—

Ascanio: *grabbing Teresa’s arm* HEY TERESA IT’S ME ASCANIO COME WITH ME

*The two of them make their way through the crowd, trying to avoid Fieramosca and Balducci.*

People: OH GOD THE MURDERER ESCAPED WE JUST HAD HIM AND NOW WE CAN’T SEE A THING AND HE’S GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT

Balducci: TERESA WHERE ARE YOU IT’S SO DARK AND NOISY OUT AND I CAN’T SEE A THING

Fieramosca: CURSE THIS STUPID CANNON WE JUST HAD HIM BUT NOW THERE’S A MURDERER ON THE RUN AND IT’S SO DARK AND NOISY OUT SO I CAN’T SEE A THING

Teresa and Ascanio: IT’S SO NOISY OUT BUT HE’S GOTTEN AWAY SO THAT’S GOOD

People: THIS IS GETTING WAY TOO CRAZY AND IT’S JUST PLAIN CHAOS

*In the midst of the chaos, Balducci bumps into Fieramosca.*

Balducci: IT’S HIM IT’S THE MONK IN WHITE

Fieramosca: wait WHAT

Balducci: I GOT HIM

Fieramosca: EXCUSE ME WHAT THE HELL IS THIS

Guards: WE’RE COMING

*They arrest Fieramosca.*

Balducci: KEEP A GOOD GRIP ON HIM

People: THEY GOT HIM

Balducci: TERESA WHERE ARE YOU

Teresa, Ascanio, Francesco, Bernardino, and Cellini’s Other Friends and Workers: HAHAHAHA THEY GOT FIERAMOSCA THAT’S EXCELLENT

Fieramosca: BUT I’M NOT—

People: TAKE HIM AWAY

Fieramosca: YOU’RE MISTAKING ME FOR SOMEONE ELSE

Guards and People: LET’S TAKE CARE OF THIS MURDERER

Fieramosca: BUT MY NAME IS FIERAMOSCA

Guards: LET’S GO OFF TO PRISON

Balducci: SERIOUSLY TERESA WHERE ARE YOU

Several People, One At A Time, Around the Square: THEY CAUGHT HIM

Fieramosca: I SWEAR TO GOD I’M FIERAMOSCA

Teresa, Ascanio, Francesco, and Some People: YOU MURDERER WE’LL HAVE YOU HANGED RIGHT AWAY YOU’RE NOT GETTING AWAY WITH THIS

Balducci, Bernardino, and Other People: WHY WOULD YOU MURDER A CAPUCHIN ON THE EVE OF ASH WEDNESDAY WE’LL HAVE YOU HANGED RIGHT AWAY YOU’RE NOT GETTING AWAY WITH THIS

Fieramosca: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU ALL WANT TO THROW ME IN PRISON AND HANG ME LISTEN TO ME I DIDN’T MURDER ANYONE I AM A GOOD CITIZEN OF ROME AND MY NAME IS FIERAMOSCA

Everyone: OH GOD I’M SUFFOCATING GIVE ME SOME ROOM LET ME OUT OF HERE WE’LL NEVER MAKE IT OUT OF HERE

Balducci: I CAN’T FIND MY DAUGHTER TERESA

Teresa and Ascanio: C’MON LET’S GO WE NEED TO STICK TOGETHER

Fieramosca: OH GOD I’M SUFFOCATING DON’T STRANGLE ME

Everyone: OH GOD YOU’RE CRUSHING ME THIS IS A LIVING HELL ON EARTH AND ALSO COMPLETE AND UTTER CHAOS AND WE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET OUT

*Teresa and Ascanio run off. Fieramosca is led off by the guards. In a panic, everyone else tries to push their way out of the square.*

Notes

Also, a collection of several artistic portrayals of the Piazza Colonna and Carnival in Rome!

Act II:

Scene 1:

Early morning, Ash Wednesday. Cellini’s workshop. Various creations of Cellini’s are scattered around. On the right is a plaster model of the Perseus statue. At the back is a door, with one window on each side. The windows look out onto the street.

*Teresa and Ascanio run in. Teresa starts looking out one of the windows while Ascanio closes the door.*

Teresa: Oh God, what’s happened to Cellini? Where could he be?

Ascanio: He’ll be here soon, Teresa. Don’t worry about it.

Teresa: NO I SWEAR HE’S BEEN CAUGHT OR HE’S DEAD

Ascanio: No, he’s alright, listen to me; he’s not the kind of guy who could get caught by the Pope’s men or the law.

Teresa: But why hasn’t he made it here yet?

*A group of White Friars (a Carmelite order of monks) starts to pass by.*

White Friars: Vas spirituale, Maria, sancta mater, ora pro nobis…

*For the sake of concision, the White Friars continue chanting intermittently in much the same vein for the next few minutes.* **

Ascanio: Listen!

*He runs over to a window and looks out.*

Teresa: Is it him?

*Ascanio comes back.*

Ascanio: Unfortunately, no. That song is just a group of monks passing by and chanting prayers as they go off to their holy works.

Teresa: This hurts too much!

Ascanio: Take heart.

Teresa: We must pray!

Teresa and Ascanio: Alright, then.

*They kneel.*

Holy Virgin, star of the morning, smile and shed some light on us...

*The White Friars pass by the door at this point; their voices gradually fade as they move away.*

Holy Virgin, star of the morning, have mercy and bring Cellini safely back to us!

*Cellini, still dressed in his white habit (which is now covered in blood) runs in.*

Cellini: HEY I’M HERE

Teresa and Ascanio: CELLINI THANK GOODNESS YOU’RE HERE

*They run over to him.*

Teresa: You aren’t wounded, are you?

Cellini: No, thank God, but I did get a bit frazzled along the way.

Ascanio: You? Frazzled?

Cellini: It took all my luck to get out of all that craziness and certain arrest.

Teresa and Ascanio: What happened?

Cellini: Okay, here goes, I bet you’ve never heard anything like this:

SO it was really dark and I had my dagger and I was running through this huge crowd and I got out and I kept running because there was this huge mob chasing after me and yelling for my blood because yeah of course they were and I was still wearing this habit—

Ascanio: Couldn’t you have just taken it off?

Cellini: DON’T INTERRUPT MY STORY anyway just in the nick of time I saw a building with the door open and I hid behind the door and they still kept running because they didn’t see me so I closed the door and then I thought about Teresa and blessed my patron saint and then I felt really weak and the ground started shaking under me and then I fainted

Teresa: OOH WHAT HAPPENED NEXT I’M REALLY SCARED BUT ALSO VERY INTRIGUED

Ascanio: ...I’m not buying it also how come SHE gets to interrupt your story

Cellini: Ascanio, I think very highly of you but you’re not my girlfriend ANYWAY I woke up a while later and it was dawn and the rooftops were covered in beautiful light and the roosters were crowing and people were walking around everywhere and I had no idea how I was going to get home but a bunch of friars dressed like me happened to pass by so I slipped in and they happened to pass by here so I slipped out AND NOW I’M HERE AND SO ARE YOU ***

Teresa: And may God never separate us again!

Ascanio: Uh, guys, I hate to break it to you but one of you is still wanted for murder and the other’s dad is probably looking for us as we speak so we’re not out of danger yet.

Cellini: You’re right. We have to go NOW.

Teresa: We have to go? We should just try hiding out—

Cellini: No, we have to go NOW.

Ascanio: BUT YOU STILL HAVE A STATUE TO FINISH

Cellini: TO HELL WITH MY STATUE AND THE POPE AND THE LAW WE JUST NEED TO RUN AWAY TO FLORENCE ASCANIO GO GET US A HORSE

Ascanio: Very well. You can count on me and I’ll be back here as soon as I can.

*He leaves.*

Teresa: My love, God is on our side! After everything, we’re here together, which is the proof that God has blessed us...

Cellini: Yes! Let’s enjoy this moment, our love, the brief moment of peace we have now before we have to flee…

Teresa: YESTERDAY WAS PLAIN AWFUL

Cellini: You can say that again.

Teresa: YESTERDAY WAS PLAIN AWFUL

Cellini: BUT THAT’S NOT NOW THAT’S THEN

Teresa: You’re right; it’s a new day that’ll dry our tears…

Cellini: Even though the future may be dark…

Teresa: ...we have peace and love and happiness!

Cellini: Let’s live and let death come when it will!

Teresa: But first take off the habit. You can’t be seen in it.

*Cellini takes off his habit and puts it on a chair.*

Cellini: There we go. Time is running out, but first...how about a mock swordfight?

Teresa: I AM SO DOWN CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON

*They start mock-swordfighting.*

Cellini: Ah, brava! What bravery, my squire!

Teresa: Put on your breastplate!

*The fight comes to an end.*

Cellini and Teresa: GOD HAS BLESSED US SO WE’LL BE OKAY NO MATTER WHAT BECAUSE HE HAS BLESSED ALL OUR WISHES ****

You know, when eagles in the mountains hear their friends being captured, what do they do? They stick together and help each other out and yell their war cries and help each other escape! And they fly far away despite everything, even being shot at! LET’S DO THE SAME THING AND RUN AWAY TO FLORENCE WE’LL BRAVE EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE EVEN THE VATICAN LET’S GO

*Ascanio runs in, in a state of panic.*

Ascanio: HEY SIR DEAR SIR WE HAVE A BIT OF A PROBLEM

Cellini: What is it?

Ascanio: BALDUCCI AND FIERAMOSCA ARE HERE I JUST SAW THEM THROUGH THE WINDOW

Teresa: OH SHOOT IT’S MY DAD

Cellini: Don’t be afraid. I’ll take care of this.

*He helps Teresa hide behind the model of Perseus.*

Ascanio: THERE THEY ARE

*Balducci and Fieramosca enter. Fieramosca sees Cellini and immediately starts backing towards the door, but Balducci goes to confront Cellini with his cane.*

Balducci: AT LAST I HAVE FOUND YOU, YOU MURDERER AND SEDUCER AND BRIGAND AND AT THIS POINT I’M JUST GOING TO CALL YOU EVERY NOT-NICE THING IN THE BOOK BECAUSE I’M JUST FED UP WITH AND SEVERELY PO’D AT YOU

Cellini: Oh excuse me, Mr. Giacomo, I didn’t realize that you could just show up at my house and start making such a ruckus. What’s gotten into you?

Balducci: YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS ABOUT GIVE ME BACK MY DAUGHTER I KNOW SHE’S HERE SO GIVE HER BACK OR ELSE I WILL BEAT YOU UP WITH THI—

Cellini: DON’T EVEN THI—

*Teresa runs out and falls on her knees before her father.*

Teresa: DAD I’M SORRY NOW I’M KNEELING BEFORE YOU

Balducci: ahhhhhhhhhhh THERE you are so let me get this straight: you honor your beloved mother by running away from me and planning to escape with, of all things, A KNOWN MURDERER wow who would’ve thought that you, of all people, could be such a horrible person?

Teresa: DAD JUST LISTEN TO ME

Cellini: Your daughter would NEVER—

Teresa: YEAH DAD I WOULD NEVER

Cellini: I’ll say it: I’m the only guilty party here.

Balducci: That’s a load of BS coming from you; I know what I know about you…

Cellini: Which is…?

Balducci: uh...NEVER MIND ANYWAY TERESA GO HOME

*Cellini steps in between Balducci and Teresa.*

Cellini: STOP I LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER

Balducci: WHAT DOES THAT MATTER

Cellini: AND SHE LOVES ME

Balducci: WELL TOO BAD SO SAD

Cellini: THIS IS THE FASTEST WAY TO RUIN YOUR FAMILY’S HONOR

Balducci: THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE ALSO YOU TWO ARE BREAKING UP EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY

Cellini: THAT’S NOT HOW THIS WORKS

Teresa: DAD STOP IT

Balducci: TERESA WE ARE LEAVING

Teresa: CELLINI HELP ME OUT HERE

Cellini: DON’T WORRY TERESA I GOT YOU

Balducci: Fieramosca, come claim your wife!

Everyone Else [yes, including Fieramosca]: wait WHAT

*Fieramosca timidly goes over to Teresa.*

Fieramosca: uhhhhh so I guess this is a thing now so uhhhhhh let’s leave

Cellini: You thief, if you so much as TOUCH HER I WILL

Balducci: FIERAMOSCA TAKE HER OUT OF HERE

Fieramosca: *backing away* Me? But I don’t want to cause even more of a scene…

Cellini: IF YOU SO MUCH AS MOVE TOWARDS HER FIERAMOSCA I WILL SEND YOU TO HELL

Balducci: FIERAMOSCA DO SOMETHING

Fieramosca: BUT I DON’T WANNA CAUSE A SCENE

Ascanio: Some son-in-law!

Teresa: OH MY GOD CAN EVERYONE CALM DOWN FOR FIVE SECONDS 

*A disturbance from outside causes everyone to stop arguing and look up, only to see an unexpected development.*

Everyone: OH SHOOT IT’S THE POPE hey everyone we need to stop fighting and shut up and show some respect omg the Pope is here

*They all promptly shut up and kneel as Pope Clément VII (who will hereafter be referred to as ‘The Pope’ on the understanding that he is not the current Pope in The Real World™), dressed in traveling costume, enters with his retinue.*

The Pope: My children, full indulgence for all your sins! Rise; I don’t want to feel so aloof because I feel like you are all my children, and mercy is the dearest value to our hearts! Rise, my children! A full indulgence for all your sins! Rise!

Balducci and Fieramosca: Uh, Your Holiness, we very humbly give you our request: avenge us!

The Pope: Avenge you? For what? Oh, and for crying out loud, I’ve already asked you like...six times to rise and you’re still down there on the floor.

*Everyone gets up.*

Balducci: A GUY ABDUCTED MY DAUGHTER AND DISHONORED MY GOOD NAME

Fieramosca: AND THE SAME GUY KILLED MY SIDEKICK BUDDY WITH WHOM I DEFINITELY DID NOT HAVE A HOMOEROTIC RELATIONSHIP

The Pope: Who did all this?

Balducci and Fieramosca: CELLINI

Balducci: *gesturing to Teresa* THERE’S MY DAUGHTER

Fieramosca: *holding Cellini’s discarded bloodstained habit* AND THERE’S THE BLOOD HE SHED

Cellini, Teresa, and Ascanio: NO CELLINI ISN’T GUILTY

Balducci: Cellini, one, you literally said you were the only guilty one here like five minutes ago; two, I absolutely hate it when people refer to themselves in the third person.

Cellini: THAT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE NO FUN BALDUCCI

The Pope: A murder and an abduction? Cellini, you did all that? Really? Are you kidding me right now? Are you always going to play the little devil?

Cellini: No. Please, just hear me out for a moment.

The Pope: First, how’s the statue coming?

Cellini: Oh, right. The statue. The statue for you. The statue especially made for you. Your statue. That statue?

The Pope: YES, that statue.

Cellini: Uh...I don’t got you covered. *****

The Pope: What?

Cellini: ...It’s not done yet.

The Pope: Wait a sec...after all this time I’ve given you, and after your promise to have it done today, IT’S STILL NOT FINISHED?!

Everyone: It still hasn’t been cast!

The Pope: So you used my advance money to break a father’s heart and murder a man in the middle of Carnival and then spent the rest drinking? Seriously?

Balducci and Fieramosca: YEAH HE DID

Cellini, Teresa, and Ascanio: NO HE DIDN’T

Balducci and Fieramosca: SHUT UP

Cellini, Teresa, and Ascanio: YOU SHUT UP

The Pope: EVERYONE SHUT UP

Very well, then, you leave me no choice: another will cast the statue.

Teresa, Ascanio, Fieramosca, and Balducci: ANOTHER?!

Cellini: Another cast my statue? EXCUSE ME WHAT DID YOU SAY OH WAIT I KNOW WHAT YOU SAID AND IT IS NOT HAPPENING ON MY WATCH

I WOULD SOONER DESTROY MY OWN MODEL THAN ALLOW SOMEONE ELSE TO—

Everyone Else: What is he DOING?!?!

Fieramosca and Balducci: HOW DARE YOU?!?! ARE YOU NOT IN THE PRESENCE OF THE POPE?!?!?!?!

Cellini: Yes! May the Virgin forgive me, and the Pope, and my patron saint, but NO ONE ELSE, NOT EVEN MICHELANGELO HIMSELF WILL CAST THIS STATUE BECAUSE I’D RATHER DIE THAN THAT HAPPEN

The Pope: Fine, let’s test that out. Guards! Arrest Cellini immediately.

*The guards come forward but at the same time, Cellini picks up a large hammer and runs over to the model of the statue.*

Cellini: I will whack this model into tiny, unrecognizable bits before a single one of your guards lays a hand on me.

*He raises the hammer to smash the model, but everyone screams.*

The Pope: STOP oh for holy God’s sake

Teresa, Ascanio, Fieramosca, and Balducci: He defied the Pope to his face! What has he done?

The Pope: FINE you demon, what do you need to calm down? Honestly, at this point, I mostly just want to see my future display piece not get hacked to bits.

*Cellini moves in front of the model, lowering his hammer but still holding it.*

Cellini: Full forgiveness for all my sins.

The Pope: Very well; you will have it without confession.

Teresa, Ascanio, Fieramosca, and Balducci: Without even confession!

The Pope: I have said it; it will be done.

Cellini: That’s not all. I want Teresa’s hand in marriage.

The Pope: Let me get this straight: you want forgiveness and Teresa?

Fieramosca and Balducci: HOLY FATHER STOP RIGHT THERE

Cellini: Oh, and one more thing: I want the time to cast my statue.

The Pope: You want forgiveness, Teresa, and the time to cast the statue? Please tell me there’s nothing else.

Cellini: That is all.

Everyone Else: That’s all!

The Pope: ah DANG IT the devil knows how much I love art and he’s laughing at me but next thing you know I’ll be laughing at him

Balducci and Fieramosca: he knows how much the Pope loves art but it’ll be our turn to laugh

Teresa: Dear God, have mercy on him!

Ascanio: HAHAHA THIS IS THE BEST TRICK EVER

Cellini: I’VE GOT HIM IN A CORNER BECAUSE I KNOW HIS LOVE FOR ART

The Pope: How much time do you need to cast the statue?

Cellini: The rest of the day, God willing.

The Pope: ...Are you sure that’ll be enough time?

Cellini: I think so: the furnace has been heating up the metal for a while now.

The Pope: *signaling to the guards to move away* Very well, I agree to your conditions.

*Cellini puts down the hammer and goes over to the Pope.*

But listen to me very carefully, you rogue: I myself will be at the workshop tonight to see if you are able to complete the statue. If not, by God, I will hand you over to the legal authorities and you will be hanged tonight.

Teresa, Ascanio, Fieramosca, and Balducci: Hanged!

The Pope: I think I’ve made myself clear.

Balducci: But...but Holy Father, he can finish the statue by the end of the day, and Teresa—

The Pope: To Hell with you and Teresa! He’ll be hanged if he doesn’t finish.

Fieramosca: But...but Holy Father, he can finish the statue by the end of the day, and Pompeo—

The Pope: ugh you people to Hell with you and Pompeo! He’ll be hanged if he doesn’t finish. Cellini, I trust I’ve made myself clear?

Cellini: ...Crystal.

Teresa, Ascanio, Fieramosca, and Balducci: Hanged! If he doesn’t finish today, he’ll be hanged!

Cellini: *ironically* Ah, Holy Father, how kind to offer such an indulgence for my sins—the threat of hanging!

The Pope: Yes, you will hang!

Now he’ll feel less proud because I myself will punish him because no saint or angel in all of Heaven will help him; he has sealed his own fate!

Cellini: GOD WILL HELP ME AND I WILL SUCCEED BECAUSE I FEEL THE POWER AND SOMEONE ONCE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT FORTUNE FAVORING THE BOLD WELL IT’S NOT JUST FORTUNE IT’S ALSO GOD SO NO ONE’S PETTY VENGEANCE CAN STOP ME

Teresa: NOOOOOOOOOOO HE’S GONNA DIE BECAUSE EVERYONE’S WORKING AGAINST HIM EVEN GOD AND THERE’S NO HOPE AND I FEEL LIKE MY ONLY OPTION IS DEATH

Ascanio: LET THEM INSULT HIM WHAT DOES HE CARE GOD WILL HELP HIM BECAUSE HE IS BOLD SO I HAVE HOPE AND NO ONE’S PETTY VENGEANCE CAN STOP HIM

Fieramosca and Balducci: AT LAST HE IS COMING TO HIS DESERVED RUIN AND WE WILL HAVE OUR VENGEANCE

*The Pope’s retinue moves towards the Pope as if to protect him, but he signals them to stop.*

The Pope’s Retinue: WHAT AN INDULGENCE HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN PUNISHED ALREADY AND HE DOESN’T DESERVE THIS CHANCE

*Everyone leaves.*

Notes

Scene 2: **

Cellini’s foundry. The furnace is at the back; there is one door each at right and left. Some of Cellini’s other works are there. A clock strikes 4 PM.

*Ascanio runs in.*

Ascanio: Tralalalalalalalalalala…

What’s the matter with me? I just feel so overwhelmed and weary with all this drama right now but TOO BAD  because when I feel sad I just laugh and sing tralalala and then suddenly I feel dizzy and happy again!

So our bronze baby is getting its baptism of fire tonight: the Colosseum will be the church, the Pope will be the godfather, and all the people of Rome will be the witnesses! Tralalala honestly thinking about that overwhelms me even more but you know what? It’s okay; I’ll just laugh and sing tralalalala…

*Quick note: during this next part, Ascanio imitates both Cellini and the Pope.*

HAHAHA THAT WHOLE THING WITH CELLINI AND THE POPE WAS THE FUNNIEST THING EVER BECAUSE THE POPE WAS LIKE ‘Take the man away!’ and Cellini was like ‘NOT SO FAST I’LL DESTROY THIS MODEL FIRST’ and the Pope was like ‘fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine I give in because I guess I’m a total pushover’ and Cellini was like ‘I want forgiveness for all my sins’ and the Pope was like ‘sure whatever’ and then Cellini was like ‘I ALSO want Teresa’ and the Pope was like ‘yeah cool okay’ and THEN Cellini was like ‘and I want the rest of the day to cast the statue!’ and the Pope was like ‘sounds good’ and THEN SUDDENLY THE POPE GRABBED MY MASTER’S HEAD and he said he would HANG HIM if he didn’t finish the statue by the end of the day! Is that all? Oh, you’ll hang! You understand? Ah, Holy Father, what an indulgence!

great THAT overwhelmed me too and I feel sad again but I’ll just do what I always do and just laugh and sing tralalalala and everything will be okay! ***

*Cellini enters and signals Ascanio to leave, which he does.*

Cellini: Alone, just me, my courage, and my audacity, about to have the fight of my life—and all Rome is watching! Very well, then; let the winds bring the storm, let them rile up all the waves, and let me sail straight into it! This is the story of my life...what a life!

Why could I not be a simple shepherd, leading my sheep and wandering through the wildness of the mountains? Free, alone, at peace, with no need to do any useless work for anyone else...I would wander far from all these busy cities and I would sing to my heart’s content...and at night I would sleep on the ground in a little hut, but I would sleep so peacefully, it would be like sleeping in my mother’s arms as a baby! Ah, what a dream! What a life!

Metalworkers: *singing outside* How happy the sailors, those children of the waves, are…

Cellini: ugggggggggggggggh not that song AGAIN

Metalworkers: ...they happily follow the wind wherever it blows…

Cellini: something bad ALWAYS happens whenever they sing that stupid song

Metalworkers: ...and when the boat sinks, the ocean is their tomb…

*Ascanio comes back.*

Ascanio: That sad song is bad luck!

Cellini: If they lose heart, we’ll fail!

*calling out to the workers* We are sailors who sail on metal! To rule the waves is easy; the real triumph is to rule over fire as we do!

Cellini and Ascanio: TAKE HEART AND HAVE COURAGE IF WE CAN JUST HOLD ON FOR ONE MORE DAY WE’LL ALL CELEBRATE TOMORROW

Chorus: *even more sadly than before* How happy the sailors, those children of the waves, are…

Cellini: *putting on an apron* Alright, let’s go to work, no more dilly-dallying!

*Loud knocking on the door.*

WHO IS IT

*Ascanio runs to the door and opens it, then hurries back.*

Ascanio: IT’S FIERAMOSCA

*Fieramosca enters with two swordsmen.*

Cellini: uggggggggggh not him hi, what do you want?

Fieramosca: Cellini, I have come to send you to Hell.

Cellini: ‘nyah nyah nyah Cellini I have come to send you to Hell nyah nyah nyah’ what do you MEAN you BUFFOON

Fieramosca: okay fine, I’ll say it differently so your tiny little brain will understand: I demand satisfaction for your insults.

Cellini: You’re joking, right?

Fieramosca: Uh, no.

Ascanio: Oh, really?

Fieramosca: NO I’M NOT JOKING I DEMAND SATISFACTION NOW

Cellini: BUT I CAN’T LEAVE

Fieramosca: So you do not accept the challenge, you coward?

Cellini: Pot calling kettle black, I see.

Fieramosca: You don’t accept?

Cellini: FINE WE FIGHT HERE

Fieramosca: No! If I kill you in your house, even if we are legitimately dueling, I’m an assassin. That’s the law. We fight elsewhere.

Cellini: OH I SEE HOW IT IS YOU WANT ME TO NOT BE ABLE TO FINISH but, God willing, I’ll teach you a fine lesson about messing with the wrong guy, which you SHOULD HAVE LEARNED last night but I guess you did not. Your desired location?

Fieramosca: I will be waiting for you behind St. Andrew’s cloister.

Cellini: Very well. I will be there. 

Fieramosca: And I’ll send you to Hell.

*He leaves with his swordsmen.*

Cellini: This couldn’t have been timed worse. Ascanio, go get my sword.

*He does so, and the door opens again.*

 godDAMMIT Fieramosca why are you alrea—

*He realizes that the person who has come in is not Fieramosca but Teresa.*

Teresa! Good God! TERESA!!!

Teresa: MY DAD HAS BETRAYED US

Cellini: what NOW

Teresa: So you know how the Pope said that no one from either Tuscany or Rome could marry me until the end of the day? ****

Cellini: ...I somehow did not hear about that?

Teresa: well that’s a thing ANYWAY even though the Pope himself made that order, my dad was like ‘screw this’ and was packing to take me away from Rome, but I slipped out and ran here as fast as I could to see you!

*Ascanio returns and gives Cellini his sword.*

What are you doing with that?

Cellini: Honey, I’ll be back soon.

Teresa: NO STAY HERE YOU’RE GONNA GET INTO A FIGHT

Cellini: ...that’s kinda the point?

Teresa: I’M NOT LETTING YOU GO

Cellini: TERESA IT’S OKAY I’M GONNA SEND YOUR FIANCÉ TO HELL

Teresa: wait WHAT

Cellini: Fieramosca came here and insulted me and challenged me to a duel.

Teresa: IT’LL BE A TRAP (knowing him and also because this is how every duel in the history of French opera turns out)

Cellini: Calm down, it’ll be fine.

Teresa: NO IT WON’T

Cellini: Look: your fiancé isn’t anything near a Hercules; he’s a buffoon with an extremely inflated ego and I’m gonna teach him a lesson he will never forget.

*He leaves with Ascanio.*

Teresa: seriously NO ONE listens to me around here and now I’m here all alone

Metalworkers: *offstage* CELLINI WHERE ARE YOU WHY DID YOU LEAVE

Teresa: What’s going on?

Metalworkers: LET’S GO

Teresa: If he doesn’t come back, I’m done for…

*Francesco, Bernardino, and the other metalworkers leave their work behind and come onstage.*

Francesco, Bernardino, and Metalworkers: LET’S GO WE’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS

Teresa: What is happening???

Francesco, Bernardino, and Metalworkers: EVEN THOUGH WE AIN’T GOT HATS OR BADGES WE’RE A UNION JUST BY SAYING SO AND THE WORLD WILL KNOW

Teresa: WHAT ARE YOU DOING

Francesco, Bernardino, and Metalworkers: WE’RE ALL LEAVING

Teresa: BUT WHAT ABOUT CELLINI

Francesco, Bernardino, and Metalworkers: HE MAY OWN THE WORLD BUT HE DON’T OWN US WE’VE BEEN DOWN TOO LONG AND WE’VE PAID OUR DUES

Teresa: Look, he’ll be back soon—

Francesco, Bernardino, and Metalworkers: WE BEEN KEEPING SCORE EITHER HE GIVES US OUR RIGHTS OR WE GIVES HIM A WAR

Teresa: Please, go back to work, he’ll pay you tomorrow—

Francesco, Bernardino, and Metalworkers: SO HE GAVE HIS WORD? WELL IT AIN’T WORTH BEANS NOW HE’S GONNA SEE WHAT ‘STOP THE FURNACES’ REALLY MEANS

Teresa: He’ll pay you very well—

Francesco, Bernardino, and Metalworkers: BUT WE NEED MONEY TO LIVE

Teresa: (Holy Virgin, don’t abandon us now!) I’M NOT LEAVING YOU 

Francesco, Bernardino, and Metalworkers: LET’S LEAVE

Teresa: PLEASE I’M BEGGING YOU

*Fieramosca enters and Teresa sees him.*

OH GOD CELLINI’S DEAD

*She faints. Francesco and Bernardino help her up and support her.*

Francesco, Bernardino, and Metalworkers: wait WHAT

Fieramosca: What...what is the meaning of this?!

Teresa: *reviving and pointing to Fieramosca* Good workers...that man has killed your master...avenge him!

Francesco, Bernardino, and Metalworkers: he WHAT OH HE KILLED CELLINI HE WILL PAY FOR THIS LET’S KILL HIM

*They start attacking Fieramosca.*

Fieramosca: NO NO STOP IT I AM YOUR FRIEND

*Gold coins fall out of his pockets; the workers see them.*

Francesco, Bernardino, and Metalworkers: Dude, why do you have so much money on you? Not that we care, but you could get robbed.

Fieramosca: I was just coming to give you a better salary than you get here…

Francesco, Bernardino, and Metalworkers: A BETTER SALARY WOULD BE NICE BUT NOT FROM YOU BECAUSE YOU KILLED CELLINI SO WHAT SHOULD WE DO ABOUT THIS OH WE KNOW LET’S THROW YOU INTO THE FURNACE

Fieramosca: WAIT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I’M YOUR FRIEND

Francesco, Bernardino, and Metalworkers: THROW HIM INTO THE FURNACE

*Chaos ensues. Suddenly, from nearby:*

Cellini: HEY WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE

*Cellini and Ascanio enter.*

Teresa, Francesco, Bernardino, and Metalworkers: OMG YOU’RE ACTUALLY ALIVE

Cellini: Indeed I am! Why wouldn’t I be?

*Teresa rushes over to Cellini and embraces him.*

Teresa: THANK GOD YOU’RE OKAY

Francesco, Bernardino, and Metalworkers: WE ALL THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD AND THAT FIERAMOSCA KILLED YOU

Cellini: Well then, rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

*He goes over to Fieramosca, who is sweating and panting like an ox.*

What were you doing here while I was waiting for you behind St. Andrew’s cloister?

Fieramosca: I was coming...I’m coming…

Francesco, Bernardino, and Metalworkers: YEAH HE WAS COMING ALRIGHT HE WAS COMING TO TRY TO HIRE ALL OF US

Cellini: Let me get this straight: you were trying to bribe my entire workshop?

Francesco, Bernardino, and Metalworkers: YEAH HE WAS

Cellini: watch out because I’m about to get VERY ANGRY IF YOU DIDN’T ALREADY GET THE HINT

Fieramosca: I was coming...I’m coming…

Cellini: You’ve come—to work!

Everyone Else: wait WHAT

Cellini: YES HE WILL WORK GET AN APRON ON HIM AND MAKE SURE HE TAKES HIS PLACE IN THE WORKSHOP AND DOESN’T TRY TO SABOTAGE ANYTHING OR BY GOD—

Teresa, Ascanio, Francesco, Bernardino, and Metalworkers: THIS IS THE BEST IDEA EVER C’MON FIERAMOSCA GET TO WORK OR CELLINI WILL MAKE YOU TAKE A VERY UNPLEASANT BATH IN A BUNCH OF MELTED BRONZE

Fieramosca: ugh not this AGAIN very well I’ll go to work

*He puts on an apron.*

Cellini, Teresa, Ascanio, Francesco, Bernardino, and Metalworkers: Alright, everyone, it’s time to go back to work and finish everything up!

Fieramosca: I’ve already taken one very unpleasant bath this week and I don’t want another so let’s go to work

Ascanio: THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER

*Everyone goes to work except Teresa and Ascanio.*

*****Teresa: I feel much better about this now, but the sky is getting dark…

Ascanio: Have courage! Before long, we’ll be through the storm and into a safe port and everything will be okay.

*He goes to join Cellini and the others. The Pope enters with his retinue and Balducci.*

Balducci: TERESA WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE

The Pope: Be quiet!

*Teresa kneels before the Pope.*

Teresa: Holy Father, forgive me!

The Pope: Rise, my child. Tell me: how did you get here?

Balducci: EXCUSE ME—

The Pope: IN THE NAME OF GOD SHUT UP 

Teresa: Well, my father wanted to take me away from Rome so I couldn’t marry Cellini, but I thought you would be forgiving, so I came here and joined Cellini in order to wait for you and the casting and hopefully my marriage to Cellini!

The Pope: oh Dio mio you really should honor your father, BUT your father failed entirely and very much dropped the ball in actively trying to go against my orders, so I forgive you.

Now, tell me, where is the man of the hour?

Teresa: There he is now!*****

*Cellini enters and acknowledges the Pope.*

The Pope: Well, have you finished?

Cellini: Not quite yet, Your Holiness, but everything is on track to be done soon, thank God; the metal is heating up right now and all that needs to happen is that the metal melt and flow into the mold, the very bowels of the earth, and become holy at your signal!

Balducci: The braggart!

The Pope: He’s faking his cheerfulness and honestly, it really annoys me, but we must wait and see how this goes. Very well: begin.

*Cellini signals the workers to begin. They work for a while to some of the slappiest orchestral music ever written in opera, until Fieramosca leaves his work and runs up to Cellini.* ******

Fieramosca: WE NEED MORE METAL OR ELSE WE’LL STOP WORKING

Cellini: What are you saying?

Fieramosca: WE NEED MORE METAL OR ELSE WE’LL STOP WORKING

Cellini: Let me check this out myself. If you’re lying, you’re in big trouble. If you’re telling the truth, I’m in big trouble…

*He runs to check on the work, leaving a very embarrassed Fieramosca behind.*

Balducci: Fieramosca?! Is that you?!

Fieramosca: ...Yeah.

Balducci: What are you wearing that for?

Fieramosca: Well, uh, it’s a long story…

Balducci: And your face is covered in soot! Really, I don’t understand you at all sometimes.

Fieramosca: Uh, well...shouldn’t even rival artists help one another every now and then?

*Cellini returns.*

Cellini: WE’RE DOING FINE FIERAMOSCA GET BACK TO WORK

*He gestures threateningly at Fieramosca, who immediately backs down and returns to the furnace, followed by Cellini.*

Teresa and Ascanio: He looks so pale! Dear God, don’t abandon him now!

Balducci and the Pope: He looks so pale! He’s getting nervous; he might be in trouble!

*Cellini returns, flustered.*

Cellini: Excuse me, but I really need to be back there supervising the casting. We’re getting pretty close now; we just added more metal to the furnace. Everything is being melted and it is all going very well.

*He goes back to supervise. Exactly fourteen seconds later, Francesco and Bernardino get his attention with a very unwelcome twist.*

Francesco and Bernardino: CELLINI THE METAL IS CONGEALING *******

Everyone Else: wait WHAT

Francesco and Bernardino: WE DON’T KNOW HOW IT’S HAPPENING BUT THE METAL IS CONGEALING

Everyone Else: THAT’S ACTUALLY REALLY BAD

Francesco and Bernardino: WE NEED MORE METAL

Cellini: But there should be more back there. Has it all been used?

Francesco and Bernardino: WE DON’T HAVE ANY MORE METAL WE NEED METAL NOW

Cellini: BUT I DON’T HAVE ANY MORE METAL

Everyone Else: you don’t have WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!

Cellini: I’M DONE FOR

Everyone Else: HE’S DONE FOR

The Pope: Well, that’s the one thing that can make him dumbfounded.

Balducci: FINALLY HE’LL BE HANGED

Everyone: oh sh—oh shoot he’s done for

Balducci: *ironically* Oh, you, such a genius as you are, are tortured by just a simple little nothing? You know everything, your skill is infinite! Turn that little frown upside-down!

Cellini: you’re not helping and I would say some choice words to you but we’re both in the presence of the Pope and that is the only thing restraining me at the moment

Francesco, Bernardino, and The Workers: WE NEED METAL NOW

Francesco: WE’RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME THE FIRE’S GOING OUT

Cellini: Wait! What...what should I do?

Francesco, Bernardino, and The Workers: WE JUST NEED METAL MORE METAL MORE METAL

Cellini: DEAR GOD YOU’RE MY ONLY HOPE LEFT SO PLEASE HELP ME OUT HERE BECAUSE I’M SO CLOSE TO GIVING IN TO DESPAIR AND I’M REALLY TRYING MY BEST DOWN HERE

Balducci: Um, not to spoil the mood or anything, but perhaps you should wait to chat with God until after we find out what happens with this statue?

Cellini: that doesn’t even make sense

Balducci: I mean you can give thanks then on the extreme off-chance that you actually pull this off.

Cellini: I’M SAVED GOD IS HELPING ME BECAUSE I JUST GOT AN IDEA

WORKERS GRAB EVERYTHING METAL YOU CAN FIND TAKE EVERYTHING FROM THE WORKSHOP AND THROW IT IN THE FURNACE

Francesco and Bernardino: WHAT YOU WANT US TO GET YOUR OTHER ARTWORKS AND THROW THEM IN THERE?!?!?!?!

Cellini: I DON’T CARE JUST GRAB ANYTHING METAL YOU CAN FIND INCLUDING MY ARTWORKS AND THROW IT IN NO MATTER WHAT METAL IT’S MADE OF IF IT’S METAL GRAB IT

*Ascanio grabs a candelabra and throws it in. Cellini does the same with every metal object he can find. Ascanio, Francesco, Bernardino, and some of the other workers start bringing in some of Cellini’s metal sculptures and passing them to other workers so they can be thrown into the furnace.*

Teresa: IT’S ALMOST TOO MUCH TO BEAR I HOPE HE MAKES IT IN THE END

The Pope: HE HAS SUCH BOLDNESS WILL HE MAKE IT IN THE END

Balducci: HE’S GOING MAD AND HE’S RUINING HIMSELF FOR A HOPELESS CAUSE

*The metal collection continues. The workers keep melting the objects and sculptures in the furnace. Suddenly there is a large explosion and the lid of the crucible mold is blown off.*

Teresa, Balducci, and the Pope: WHAT WAS THAT NOISE WHAT’S GOING ON DID IT HAPPEN OR NO

*Cellini, not daring to look, runs to the front.*

Cellini: IT EXPLODED I’M DONE FOR

Workers: LONG LIVE CELLINI VIVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

*Everyone turns to see the molten metal pour into the mold. The casting is successful.*

Everyone: VICTORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Fieramosca pushes through the crowd to find Cellini.*

Fieramosca: HEY LEMME THROUGH I WANT TO FIND MY DEAR FRIEND CELLINI AND EMBRACE HIM

Balducci: I KNEW HE COULD DO IT ALL ALONG SO TERESA HERE’S YOUR FUTURE

Cellini: well well well which of these two is the more cowardly suck-up???

Holy Father, I have completed the casting.

The Pope: Well, since God has blessed both your work and your boldness, I will hold up my end of the deal: I officially pardon you, Benvenuto Cellini.

Cellini: Teresa!

Teresa: Cellini!

Francesco, Bernardino, Workers, and Spectators: VIVA CELLINI

Teresa, Fieramosca, and Ascanio: IMMORTAL GLORY TO CELLINI

The Workers: Gold shines like the sun and rubies like fire in the night…

Teresa, Fieramosca, Balducci, Ascanio, Francesco, and Bernardino: GLORY TO HIM

Cellini: ONE LAST ROUND OF OUR SONG

Ascanio, Francesco, and Bernardino: LIKE YOU SAID JUST THE LAST VERSE BECAUSE IT’S THE BEST

Everyone: METALS, THE UNDERGROUND NEVER-FADING FLOWERS, SHINE BRIGHTEST ON THE BROWS OF ALL THE GREATEST PEOPLE—THE KINGS AND QUEENS AND DUKES AND EMPERORS AND EVEN POPES—SO HONOR TO THE MASTER METALWORKERS

TRA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA—

HONOR TO THE MASTER METALWORKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*General celebration.*

Notes

THE END

Up Next: Così fan tutte

[elizabethsharmon]

Yes I'm glad they're showing that being in a relationship doesn't magically fix everything. To me this aspect was one of the most realistic things about s5 (welcome back Arthurs glasses). I think lucas would still have the same insecurities if eliott were gay. It's not a case of "he's pan he's gonna cheat" it's more "shit my boyfriend is an artistic dreamy model and I'm...me" when in reality lucas is shit hot. Like not being funny but his eyes, his smile, his beautiful face, he's perfect 1/2

And there's no way eliott doesn't have insecurities too, about lucas leaving him for someone not bipolar. I think in s6 they will have this convo, lucas will explain his insecurities about him being "just me" and eliott will explain that he too worries lucas will leave him for someone "normal" who he can have a simpler life with and make him happier. I think that will be the elu drama in s6, not cheating, but both of their insecurities causing tension until they communicate w/each other. 2.

Yesss, exactly, I feel like that's always perfectly explored in fics how Lucas is always so insecure that Eliott might get bored of him and leave him for someone else because "just look at you, you're so dreamy, you look like a greek god, everyone always look at you and want to be with you or be you and you're just here with me and I'm just me" but what Lucas doesn't necessarily understand is that Eliott feels the same way about him because to him Lucas is the most perfect person in this and every other universe 🤧 And Eliott has plenty of insecurities of his own, lundi 17h21 talks about it perfectly, I just really hope they'll have that talk soon and they'll realize there's no way they could ever leave each other because they're IT for each other 😭 ugh one would think those dummies should know by now that COMMUNICATION IS KEY 🙃 but I guess old habits die hard... If they're really going in this direction and are planning to explore Lucas' and Eliott's insecurities and problems further then I really really really hope that 1. we'll get that talk in s6 (cause otherwise what was even the point of setting it up in the first place) and 2. that we will actually get to see it, in their pov, not in a way it happened in s4 when they showed us they're having some problems and it was basically resolved with Lucas saying to Imane "yeah you're right, I love Eliott, gotta say I'm sorry, thanks Imane, you're great Imane, bye Imane" cause that's not enough...

[fmlfpl]

Lineup Lamentations - GW13

Our Transfers, Captains, and Starting 11s for the week!

And if you missed it for subscribers Friday My Life episode just came out!

—

WALSH

TRANSFERS:

OUT: Salah, Pukki, Nketiah

IN (for -4 points hit): Dendoncker, Kane, Vardy

Time to shake up the squad with my first hit of the season.

Mo and this ankle situation feels like not something I want to be monitoring or thinking about in the near term so once I decided to bin him the moves made themselves.

I am back in on Kane.. my lover and FPL mistress will always be welcomed back to both either of my bosoms. I am all in on Mou bouncing them and sticking Kane back to traditional nine as he has done in years past. I have idea who will play in midfield or where but I do believe that Kane will be back up top with no fucking about and he will get them to feed the machine. I've got most of my other bases covered and this just felt like the best way to give me points. Gives me a horse who will start and play all these games as well as strengthening my bench with that Livp blank on the horizon.

Let's go Harold you lad.

Vardy still sucks.

GK:

Pope (wat)

Pope somehow got points last gameweek so maybe it will beget more points in this. He only has two more good fixtures before they turn so hopefully he can put some more points on the board. Been feeling antsy with him but not sure I'll have a transfer to spew on GK in the near term. TBD.

DEF:

Alexander-Arnold & Robertson (cry)

Trent and R0bbo still plod along game on game as Livp do their best Fulham impression at keeping cleans. Robbo knocked is a worry but meh he'll prob play. Whatever.

Good fixtures run for these so hoping that they finally kick into gear and keep some cleans to repay my faith.

Lundstram (MUN)

Pointstram obviously is in there as he will be for the rest of the season assuming he doesn't die or get dropped. Not a great feel with Manchu rolling in without Hendo and possibly with Jagz in there but whatever. Who knows which version will show up? I do not.

Rico (WOL)

Last is Rico. Ugh vomit poop. No faith in him and I hate him for the points he has gotten me on the bench. Somewhat reasonable on paper fixture so he's going to try his best to get me two points instead of one point. Time will tell.

MID:

Only three lonely mids as I have an eye to turn this trio into a duo.

Sterling & De Bruyne (CHE)

Raz and Kev are still chilling and I feel fine holding them both for a while. I believe in City and I think that points are coming for these two.

Mount (mci)

Mount somehow is still in my team despite drawing a lot of my disdain recently. Not much to say about him other than he is biding time in my team for me to build up an extra transfer to turn him into fodder and go 523.

FWD:

Kane (whu) & Vardy (bha) & Abraham (mci)

Forward group looks like point central with Kane Vardz and Tamela.

I guess Tam and Vard at this point are just like empty spots since everyone has them? Kinda? Either way, I guess it's good to have the good players who get points.

CAP:

Kane (whu)

Silly if you thought I wouldn't back big Harold in his first Mou game.

Come on Harry! Show us old Harry new manager bounce come on harry be a great guy i love you harry get me some goals assists and points come on harryyyyyy.

I can see the headlines now: "Mourinho struggles to a 0-0 draw at the Olympic in first game as King of the Potatoes" yipeee.

—

ALON

TRANSFERS:

OUT: Hudson-Odoi, Kelly, Lowton, and Pukki

IN (for -8 points hit): Maddison, Guilbert, van Dijk, and Connolly

WOW.

Here we are.

I think Walsh being very mad and very frustrated for two weeks and on the last normal pod has rubbed off on me a bit. I mean hits are also in my nature and I have a good track record of hits... It’s not that much of a stretch considering for two weeks I’ve been basically nailed on gonna take a -4 to get to -8 just one more click ya know?

My team was very flagged and in trouble as you can see I’ve removed a red flag backup in CHO, a backup in Kelly (Ward is fit), a player bombed out of the 11 in Lowton, and the old bald shtity guy who plays for the worst team in the Premier League... As far as -8s go pretty fucking good to get rid of a total of 2 points.

As for the guys I brought in Connolly was a panic like two weeks ago when Pukki was dropping again I made the early move of bringing in the now red flagged Connolly but it’s fine he’s gonna ride the bench anyway and should be back soon... The last trio came together literally last second right after Friday My Life I found a set of three that I like and all fit perfectly and just fucking did it.

Maddo is good, despite being down on him (or at least MORE down then most people) I still always said yes he’ll tick and get points, and Goodman kinda convinced me more on him from the Fireside.

I back Liverpool to start keeping cleans now that they don’t have the ridiculously bad fixtures anymore and VVD will start every single match in the pileup. He’s also kinda cover for me since the ownership between Trent/Robbo/Alisson is very high.

And lastly Guilbert Fred Gilbert comes in. He’s been pretty good and attacking since GW3 when he started starting but more importantly for my team he rotates very well with Soy/Tomori so the upcoming fixtures that I’ll be starting Guilbert in are home Newcastle this week, home Southampton in GW18, and home Norwich in GW19. Maybe more, who knows, but that’s the plan.

Alright long transfers section is done and I still feel good about the hit. I’m happy (for now).

GK:

Gazzaniga (whu)

Fortress Mou cometh. Cleans cometh. Let’s go.

DEF:

van Dijk (cry)

Oh hey bro welcome to the squad you almighty being.

Not feeling fantastic about a clean away and Liverpool usually play like shit after international break but it’s certainly possible with Palace’s shitty ass attack.

Lundstram (MUN)

Really hope that Egan comes in so it’s not a Jags absolute shit-show disaster. Still worried about no Hendo. Worried in general about this one have a bad feeling about the clean but you know Lund can get attacking returns vs. anyone and it’s home so let’s go Lundy.

Söyüncü (bha)

One of four guys that I’ve had since GW1; I fucking love Soy.

Away is tougher then home for this clean but I still expect it and expect Leicester to control and kill the match.

Guilbert (NEW)

Another new bro getting in there.

Newcastle somehow have been generating attack lately (Saint-Maximin in) but I still consider them the worst attack or at least bottom three attack in the division so home vs. Newcastle to me is as good a chance of a clean as any.

And maybe Fred is feeling saucy and gonna throw in an assist???

MID:

Salah (cry)

No words... if he plays then he’s captain material. If he plays but isn’t fit then fuck me. If he doesn’t play then really fuck me... Sweating the teamsheet a lot on this one as he might go from not a problem at all to a big problem very quickly tomorrow morning.

Sterling & De Bruyne (CHE)

I still back the MCI guys to score lots of goals and points and haven’t thought about ditching either yet. And I think that City are gonna score a lot of goals vs. Chelsea like at least three in my opinion so I love this match from FPL perspective.

Maddison (bha)

New friend.

Passes into the box / key passes / Casino merchant / cunt, he really ticks every box for me. Just gonna sit back and watch the points trickle in... Or the points’ll dry up and I’ll fucking hate myself for not backing myself.

TBD.

FWD:

Vardy (bha)

Duh.

Abraham (mci)

Duh Part 2.

CAP:

Salah (cry)

Well here we are... Part one of what I said about Mo was that if he’s fit then he’s cap material and so I’m taking that risk... I have vice on Vardy just in case.

I didn’t feel good capping Kevin or Raz or Vardy this week which I guess puts me largely in the minority but I don’t know Brighton have been really solid at home (5th best NPxGA) and Vardy shoots like 1-2 times per match and I’m just like meh maybe Liverpool just win 3-0 and Mo double returns. I can picture that a lot easier but maybe that’s just me.

Hate captain.

As Pod Partner said you gotta go with your balls and your penis sometimes. Alas.

—

RANDOM SLACKER OF THE WEEK: JEFFD

The words of Random Slacker are not officially endorsed by this website nor any employees of FML FPL LLC.

TRANSFERS:

OUT: Pukki & Salah

IN (for -4 points hit): Jiménez & Mané

Fear-based transfers IN. I’m taking only my second hit of the season in Gameweek 13, which represents massive personal growth for me as an FPL manager. My transfers this week were inspired by a Mourinho quote:

“…during my career, I made mistakes, and I'm not going to make these mistakes, I'm going to make new ones.”

The Pukki to Jiménez move doesn’t need much explaining. Canaries linger in my team because while I was foolishly shuffling KdB out and back in, I should have been dealing with stagnant assets like Pukki. Getting Jim isn’t the most titillating move, but after looking at the options at or below this price, he seems like the most sensible option in both the short- and medium-term.

I decided on the Mo to Mané sideway shuffle very late based on the landscape of my money league with my mates. I’m near the top of the league, and we’re all bad, but I’m the least bad historically. I noticed that I’m the only manager of 12 that still owns Mo, almost everyone has Mané, and I can’t tolerate this risk any longer.

Given health and recent form, I think the probability that Mané outperforms Mo is so much larger than the other way around this week — and over the next few weeks — and I'm prioritizing keeping pace rather than owning a differential. So I’m conceding the 4 points now to correlate my team a little more with the rest that own Mané. If I miss out on a run of Mo hauls, please refer to the José quote above.

GK:

Pope (wat)

His 9 points last gameweek were very unexpected and appreciated. Still, this is a player I’m looking at “downgrading” for a few extra coins before the blanks in GW18.

DEF:

Alexander-Arnold & Robertson (cry)

I can’t say enough about these guys. I look forward to owning them both for the rest of the season. I’m praying for Robbo’s health — because I love him — and my bench is loathsome.

Lundstram (MUN)

Looking forward to his 2-21 points this week. This is not new information, but the positions that Lundstram has been taking up in the past few matches are preposterous for someone classed as a defender in FPL. I’ve been almost forced to start him every week based on my personnel, which has proved advantageous since some other managers with deeper teams ended up benching him and missing out.

MID:

Mané (cry)

New guy gets a haiku:

Senegalese stud;

scores with both feet and his head;

welcome to my team.

De Bruyne (CHE)

I spent a lot of transfers and lost some value getting him out and back in. If he would repay the faith, that would be great. Note that if Kevin is going to score against a previous club that spurned him any time soon, it surely has to be this week.

Mount (mci)

As a Yank, I’ve watched Pulisic a lot, and this not the player I’m used to seeing. I think he’ll regress or get hurt, and then maybe the proverbial pendulum will swing back to Mount. Chelsea have some home bankers coming up, so I’ll reassess this spot frequently in the coming weeks.

Tielemans (bha)

I used my two frees last week to get this guy and Vardy, so I was obviously buzzing when they linked up for that goal. I opted to get him over Maddo and invest funds in my bench down the road, so I’m perversely desiring to see Youri keep pace with or outperform Maddo.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to imagine him having a license to get farther forward and score in a match like this where Leicester may be bossing possession for long periods.

FWD:

Vardy (bha)

I’m a math/stats guy for work, and I enjoy FPL since eye-test is often so much more illuminating than stuff like xG. That being said, Vardy can’t keep up what he’s doing statistically, but I’m here to embrace and benefit from his unsustainable scoring record for as long as it lasts.

Abraham (mci)

Starting double Chelsea attack away to City does not inspire confidence in my squad, but City defense is a shadow of its former self, and we’ve seen Tammy get behind and punish mistakes, so I have optimism here.

Jiménez (bou)

The third pillar in the VAJ frontline. Do something, you donkey.

CAP:

Vardy (bha)

We may very well see a beleaguered Brighton side given injuries and Dunk’s suspension. We know what Vardy can do with limited chances, so this seems like the sort of match where he can actually get a volume of quality opportunities and maybe even a jammy pen.

[immoralrpg-blog]

Congratulations, BEX, you have been accepted for the role of ALECTO CARROW, with the faceclaim of BRIDGETTE LUNDY-PAINE. Bex, you captured the essence of Alecto perfectly! I adored the way you added complexity to Alecto’s harshness, and layers to her personality beyond ‘wild child’. Alecto’s relationship with her twin is a complicated one, and you managed to make it both loving and a little bittersweet at the same time. Well done! Please head along to the CHECKLIST for your next steps.

IC

CHARACTER NAME: Alecto Carrow

GENDER & PRONOUNS: Cisgender female, she/her

FACECLAIM: Brigette Lundy-Paine, Adelaide Kane, Zoey Deutch ( I’m genuinely willing to play these, or any of the ones you listed within her skeleton if you’d rather those )

BIOGRAPHY:

Nature and nurture are curious things, especially when it comes to children and their own wickedness. Is someone destined to be cruel, to be harsh, from the very start? Or is it instead taught, learned and emulated by the children of wicked creatures? No matter the case, Alecto Carrow was caught and trapped in a web from her birth, silk strands twisting and shaping her into a model of Carrows who came before.

She can remember her first lessons as a child. When her gaze flitted towards the window or towards her brother, rough fingertips would grab her chin and face her forward once more. No matter who was speaking to her, all of her attention needed to be given to them. She learned this quickly. Wands were jabbed into the small of her back to ensure her shoulders were back – a Carrow couldn’t slouch – and more than once she was told to watch her tongue the moment her lips parted, as if a complaint was expected from her. Disrespect was not tolerated, and any expectation met less than perfectly was inexcusable. It was as simple as that.

But these spoken lessons were not all she learned. Silently, she stood by her brother’s side behind her parents when they were in Knockturn Alley or at the manor of another pureblood family. However, she was never absent-minded during these times, with her mind caught away in some childish fantasy. Alecto paid attention to her parents and grandparents alike, her gaze steely and with a determined focus. She emulated the way they raised their chins and looked down upon others; she learned to speak like them by echoing phrases she heard them utter. In the mirror, long after Amycus had gone to sleep, she looked at her reflection and tried to mimic the cool smile her mother wore; she hoped one day to wear the same sort of ferocity within her expression. On a child, these looks seemed precocious, but she grew into the countenance well.

With dark eyes and a smile that bordered on feral, there was always something almost ominous about Alecto. Most found it off-putting, but that never concerned her. She had her place in society, she had her brother as her dearest confidante – if someone could not put up with her callousness, her domineering nature, those were not the sort of people she needed to be around. Alecto never questioned what she was supposed to be. She wore her labels well: Carrow, Slytherin, Pureblood. These defined her, and from a young age she knew who she was expected to be come graduation.

Still, with naivete and youth, there came allures and vices. Once out from under the gazes of her guardians, Alecto blossomed under the dim lights of parties, alcohol running hot through her veins. She didn’t go out every night, but she didn’t hold herself back from letting go every once in a while.There was never any doubt she could be the life of party, unabashed and unashamed. With a smile, she could tip back a shot and not wince. With a laugh, she could lace her fingers around the neck of some pretty pureblood boy and have him whispering in her ear a moment later about how they could spend the night. There was a sharp dichotomy within Alecto: for the most part, she was a proud girl, a cruel and feral witch who met all expectations set and then exceeded them. But some nights, she transformed, losing her inhibitions. She was all smiles and glee, seeking the thrill only nighttime and youth could provide. This was the cycle she lived, and unlike her brother she didn’t falter.

And, for the longest time, she didn’t. Alecto was all but perfect. She might not have been as soft as some might have hoped, but she was a competent witch. She knew what it meant to be a Carrow, she knew what it meant to be a Pureblood. There was little tarnish to her reputation. But then the one thing that could ruin it all happened, and all the blame would be placed on her shoulders, she knew this for certain. It was a mistake – the alcohol, Lucius, the baby. Perhaps she should have put more credence into her grandmother’s words, maybe she should have been a little more careful. But she couldn’t undo this.

So she fixed it the only way she knew how. The abortion was her only option. No one questioned her being in Knockturn Alley, and the bag of galleons and the threat Alecto made ensured that the seedy potions seller would not go blabbing about the choice she made. Once it was done, it was done. She was determined to forget about it. No one else knew (though she wanted to tell Amycus with nearly every fiber of her being) and that was how it was going to stay. The idea of someone finding out made her feel like she was drowning, suffocating within fears that had never once risen within her before. She would not let herself be ostracized. It wasn’t real if she didn’t say the words out loud – this became her mantra. It wasn’t real. It didn’t happen. She was fine.

But still, she was rattled. The first time she saw Lucius after she had gone to Knockturn Alley alone, she turned on her heels and apparated away. Her heart was in her throat. She had no feelings for him (nothing more than admiration anyways, she told herself over and over – she knew too well he could never be hers). And then the words caught on her lips before she could say them aloud to her brother. Years ago, they swore no secrets, and the broken promise tastes bitter in her mouth. Besides him and Lucius, there was no one else who might deserve to know, no one she could possibly confide in.

To most, little will have appear to have changed within her. Alecto wears the same steely expression, the planes of her face harsh and her eyes narrow when her gaze falls upon someone, but there is a falter underneath the outer layer. As much as she wants to settle back within the role of perfect pureblooded witch, here is a hesitation within the formerly unshakable girl. Never once has she not had confidence within her immediate reaction, but she’s come to find herself stopping and thinking before simply reacting. Maybe it’s a good thing, maybe it isn’t, but she can’t help but see it as weakness. Where did the blunt harshness go? When did her razor-edged tongue go dull? There is a nervousness, an uncertainty. As much as she is hoping it’s hidden, the worry someone will claim she’s gone soft lingers. She’s still Alecto, isn’t she? She would love to say yes, but even she can’t say she’s the same girl she was just a month ago.

QUESTIONNAIRE

describe your secret in your own way.

She is sitting up straight in her chair, her back as straight as a ramrod. There is an absent expression on her face, and the blankness is unnerving. There is no use lying but her hands are clenched into fists, her knuckles white and her nails digging thin crescents into her hand. The uncomfortableness she feels is nearly palpable to everyone else. “I was pregnant.” Alecto says it bluntly, her voice matter-of-fact. “But then I took care of it.” Where her voice was steady before, there was a wobble when the word ‘it’ passed through her lips.

The muscle in her jaw twitches before she raises her eyebrows. “Do you want more specific details?” It’s instinct for her to be on the defense. “Would you like me to tell you everything I drank? The few shots of vodka? And then the firewhiskey? I had shot after shot, and then I kissed Lucius Malfoy. After, he fucked me in his bed. Did your mum never teach you about the birds and the bees? Is that why you’re curious?”

your family life. how’s it like?

( I wrote this as a little drabble and not quite as a response, but there are at least three written as an answer to the qeustion. I hope that’s okay. )

How Amycus manages to apparate into their home while drunk is something she’ll never understand. But he does it, and every night she’s waiting for him. Her knees are tucked up in front of her, and her head is resting on the arm of the sofa. It’s the sound of breaking glass that wakes her up. Her eyes fall on him, then the broken bottle at his feet, and finally the land on the door that leads out of the sitting room. She hopes that it wasn’t loud enough to wake anyone else. They wouldn’t react well, and her nerves can’t handle the shouting.

She stands up, picking her wand off of the side table (next to it was a glass of water and the magazine she had been flipping through idly waiting for Amycus to come home) and she points it towards the bottle. She mumbles a reparo before reaching for it. There’s no more glass, but she’s too tired to care about the spilt alcohol right now. She’d clean it herself in the morning, not doubting that the house elves would report the incident to her mother.

Alecto tucks her wand in her pocket before wrapping her arm around her brother’s shoulders. “C’mon, Am – ” his weight is on her as she leads him to the other end of the sofa. He’s going on about the party he was at, and she can’t help the small smile that comes to her face. As much as she’d rather him be sober, at least they’re talking. There are times during the day that she can’t find the words. Sometimes, it’s easier to say nothing.

Finally, they’re both on the sofa. Him sprawled out on most of it, and her having returned to her previous spot. “Drink this.” He obliges as she hands him the water, and then they’re both in silence. She stares at her brother, whose eyes are half shut.

“Hey, Amycus?” She pauses before saying, “Can I ask you something?”

He says yes, it’s more of a mumble really, and she knew that he would. No secrets. They’ve never had secrets. He knew when she kissed Rosier her third year, she took the fall when Slughorn caught him with firewhiskey in his bag. They never worried about what the other thought before, knowing that the other had their back. Alecto doesn’t understand  know why she was so nervous.

A few minutes pass and then she says, “Am, I did something bad. I did something so bad.” Her hands are trembling, and she’s biting her lip so hard she tastes blood. When she turns to look towards him, she’s both relieved and upset to see that he’s fallen asleep.

He won’t know her secret tonight.

“Your brother never came home last night.”

She looks up from her breakfast towards her mother and she shakes her head. “No, he did.” She reaches for her pumpkin juice, taking a sip. “You must not have heard him.” Her voice is light. “It was just after nine. I heard him come in through the back door.”

Alecto’s face wrinkles with distaste as she continues, “I think he was worried that he might wake you or father coming in the front. Merlin knows the boy can’t come inside without sounding like a herd of hippogriffs.” She rolls her eyes.

“He spoke to me a bit before he went to read in the sitting room. I think Mulciber recommended him something to read, him or Lucius, or maybe it was even Regulus. Mrs. Black sends her regards by the way, I spoke to her the other day” She gives an airy wave, seeming indifferent. “Am and I didn’t talk about anything important.”

She wishes that they did.

expand on one ( or more ) of your connections. tell us about them. your relationship with them.

“Oh, I’m sure Mulciber would have loved to keep playing with his little toy himself,” she simpers, her head tilting to the side as she considers Mary Macdonald, “but I’m having my own fun with her now.” The mudblood girl is nothing short of an amusement to Alecto, and she’s glad that Mulciber left her her. There’s a holiness to Mary, something good and something pure, and in comparison the Carrow is rotten to the core. She could choke herself thinking about the Gryffindor for too long, but when no one else is around Alecto can’t help but relish in the flash of fear she sees in the others eyes no matter how brief it is. She’ll walk by her, slamming her shoulder into the girl just to have Mary look over and see who it was. She’ll shoot a wicked smile just in hopes of bringing worry into the other’s heart.

“Still, he won’t be pleased to know he didn’t break the poor thing completely –” her tone is mocking but it’s not clear who she’s making fun of. Maybe it’s both. “She’s got a spine, that one. Honestly, I was surprised to find that out. Who would have thought that little mouse Macdonald could speak up for herself?” Alecto’s smile twists into something harsh before she shakes her head. “Shame it’s a little too late for that to have happened. The target on her back is there to stay.”

what side are you on? order of the phoenix? death eaters? neutral? Why?

“It’s no secret that my parents respect Lord Voldemort.” The fact she uses his title should not go unnoticed, and the fact she uses it with such ease should be noted upon as well. She shrugs her shoulders slightly before saying, “I would never say they were wrong in doing so either. In fact, I rather think it’s noble what he’s doing.” She sniffs, her lips twisting into a sneer as she folds her arm across her chest. “Why should we act like those muggleborns are the same as us? Our families are centuries old. We know our history, we respect it. They act all high and mighty when it’s a miracle they can even hold a wand the right way.”

what do you smell in amortentia?

“The smell of iron and rust. Saltwater.” These aren’t unusual smells, though someone might cast the girl a strange look at the former. Still, she is a Carrow. She leans in over the cauldron once more, taking in a deep breath. Her jaw clenches and her eyes have focused on a point on the table in front of her. The reluctance she is feeling is clear, and after what seems like forever, she finally speaks, “A men’s cologne – cardamom and mint. I think there’s cedar in it in well.” She knows who wears that particular scent. She would rather die than say his name aloud.

what’s your boggart?

“Amycus hurt – or worse.” Her chin is raised, just daring the interviewer to pry.

It isn’t a lie, not technically. It was her boggart. But she had come across one within an older, rarely-used part of her family home. Instead of Amycus lying dead, she was horrified to see him standing in front of her, Lucius and Narcissa by his side. Even the younger Black boy was there, standing not too far behind. None of them were hurt, instead they jeered at her. They called her awful names, they said that she was ruining tradition, they said it was her mistake. Tongue-tied, she argued, saying half the blame is on Lucius. Even she knew that no one would dare put blame on him if the truth came out. Nearly an entire minute past of her dealing with those abuses passed, and finally she brought herself to cast a riddikulus. She walked away with tears brimming in her eyes and her fists clenched at her side.

“Is that a surprise to you?” Her eyes narrow, and the urge to keep going is burning on her tongue. She knows she shouldn’t over-explain herself, but it’s hard not to. “He’s my brother. He knows me better than anyone.” An uncomfortable feeling has settled in her stomach. He does know her best, and he did once know everything about. Maybe they’ve grown apart, but she would still swear she would give up her life for his. Her voice grows soft, “He’s my best friend.” She hopes that is still true.

[sherlockshite]

An Act Within an Act: The Importance of Being Earnest as key in reading Series 4

Alternatively: Deception in the Play that is Series 4 (The Importance of Being Earnest reading)

“The curtain rises. The last act. It’s not over. SH”

I’m going to discuss why this whole series 4 is just an act, such as there are different scenes to form a play. Some of the themes of The Importance of Being Earnest revolve around: duties/responsibilities, religion, morality, societal class, marriage, impressions, deception.

Let me just stress on two points here: deception (fake lives, fake people, and fake names) and impressions. Sound familiar? These motifs can also be found in series 4.

“Lady Bracknell” from Oscar Wilde’s play The Importance of Being Earnest (hereafter, TIOBE) was mentioned three times in The Final Problem.  It was during these three instances:

1)

2)

3)

Thus, it is necessary to know the significance of TIOBE to this show.

[Note: I’ll discuss some important points in TIOBE first, then proceed to using these points in reading scenes from BBC Sherlock. After that, I’m going to draw parallels between the two plays (considering that Series 4 is a play) by discussing the twins, handbag, bunbury, acting, christening]

The Importance of Being Earnest

TIOBE has three acts. Brief summary first. (If you already know about TIOBE, you can skip this part) The first act is the introduction of the characters, where the “Bunburying” by both Jack/John Worthing and Algernon Moncrieff is revealed to us.

Bunburying = is an act, that comes from the word Bunbury, who is a poor, invalid friend of Algernon. Algernon made up Mr. Bunbury, to use as an excuse/alibi (that Algy needs to pay a visit his very ill friend) for him to avoid doing his duties.

In Algernon’s own words: “You have invented a very useful younger brother called Ernest, in order that you may be able to come up to town as often as you like.  I have invented an invaluable permanent invalid called Bunbury, in order that I may be able to go down into the country whenever I choose. Bunbury is perfectly invaluable. If it wasn’t for Bunbury’s extraordinary bad health, for instance, I wouldn’t be able to dine with you at Willis’s to-night, for I have been really engaged to Aunt Augusta for more than a week.”

In the same way, Jack also does bunburying, but with Mr. Ernest Worthing

In town, Jack uses the name Ernest Worthing

In the countryside, Jack uses the name Jack but he has a brother named Ernest

The second act is Algy going to the countryside as he was curious about who Cecily was (the ward of Jack). Thus, to get into Jack’s place, Algy identifies as “Ernest Worthing” to everyone he meets in Jack’s place in the country. This causes a problem, of course, most especially since Jack also arrived during that same day to state that Ernest died because of illness, whereas Algy (dressed up as Ernest) was alive and well, and even inside the place.

The third act is both Cecily (supposedly engaged to “Ernest!Algy” and Gwendolen (supposedly engaged to “Ernest!Jack”) finding out that Jack and Algy were deceiving them with their names. You see, some of the themes of this play is about deception and impressions. The name “Ernest” is a great deal for the two girls, and if this isn’t Jack and Algy’s names, they are to decline the marriage. (Oh, and the views on marriage were also highlighted in this play)

Who is Lady Bracknell then? She is the mother of Gwendolen, and the aunt of Algy (in the end, it will also be found out that she is the aunt of Jack). Her attitude is VERY similar to Mycroft in various ways. (Btw, if you weren’t aware there are so many reasons why Algernon is a parallel for Sherlock and Jack/John for John, some of which are pointed out by @brilliantorinsane here.) 

Thus, we read:

Lady Bracknell = Mycroft

Algernon Moncrieff = Sherlock

Jack/John Worthing = John

Points of similarity between Lady Bracknell and Mycroft:

1.  She checks (interrogates) on Gwendolen’s potential partners

Lady Bracknell  (pencil and notebook in hand): I feel bound to tell you that you are not down on my list of eligible young men, although I have the same list as the dear Duchess of Bolton has. We work together in fact. However, I am quite ready to enter your name, should your answers be what a really affectionate mother requires.  Do you smoke?

Jack: Well yes, I must admit I smoke.

And this goes on. Anyway, it is comparable to this scene:

where Mycroft questions/tests John to get to know if he will be loyal to Sherlock.

M: Could it be that you’ve decided to trust Sherlock Holmes of all people?

JOHN: Who says I trust him?

M: You don’t seem the kind to make friends easily.

JOHN: Are we done?

M: You tell me.

M: I imagine people have already warned you to stay away from him, but I can see from your left hand that’s not going to happen.

Also:

Lady Bracknell: You can take a seat, Mr. Worthing

Jack: Thank you, Lady Bracknell, I prefer standing.

M: The leg must be hurting you. Sit down. JOHN: I don’t wanna sit down.

2. Lady Bracknell’s view on marriage/romance

Lady Bracknell: To speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements.  They give people the opportunity of finding out each other’s character before marriage, which I think is never advisable. 

MYCROFT: Well, it’s the end of an era, isn’t it? John and Mary – domestic bliss.

SHERLOCK: No, no, no – I prefer to think of it as the beginning of a new chapter.

SHERLOCK: What?

MYCROFT: Nothing!

SHERLOCK: I know that silence. What?

MYCROFT: Well, I’d better let you get back to it. You have a big speech, or something, don’t you?

SHERLOCK: What?

MYCROFT: Cake, karaoke ... mingling.

SHERLOCK: Mycroft!

MYCROFT: This is what people do, Sherlock – they get married. I warned you: don’t get involved.

SHERLOCK: Involved? I’m not involved.

3. Role of the mother (consequently, the grown-up):

Lady Bracknell is the mother of Gwendolen, and the Aunt of Algernon. She shows authority in the play. She cared for her daughter the most. Such can be found in these:

ASiB:

MYCROFT: I’ll be mother.

SHERLOCK: And there is a whole childhood in a nutshell.

ASiP:

TAB:

MYCROFT: Doctor Watson? Look after him  ... please?

BBC SHERLOCK

The mention of Lady Bracknell three times may suggest  that these are the three acts. The first act started after the explosion. See that the scene after the explosion at 221B is the pirate one. The explosion kick-started the play.

Okay, let’s dissect the dialogues. Replace the word “Lady Bracknell” in these dialogues to “act”. It totally fits in with the Play theory (where a brilliant meta on this was written by @porl0ck here, seriously, go read it if you haven’t):

FIRST *SUB-ACT:

MYCROFT: I’m sorry, Doctor Watson. Any movement will set off the grenade.

MYCROFT: I hope you understand.

JOHN: Oscar Wilde.

MYCROFT: What?

JOHN: He said, “The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.” It’s from ‘The Importance of Being Earnest.’ We did it in school.

WE WERE OFFICIALLY TOLD THAT “the truth is rarely pure and never simple” BEFORE THE ACT STARTED. It was the explosion that started the sub-act (*calling this a sub-act because TFP was the act within the bigger act (the whole of series 4).

(continuation)

MYCROFT: So did we. Now I recall. I was Lady Bracknell.

SHERLOCK: Yeah. You were great.

MYCROFT: You really think so?

SHERLOCK: Yes, I really do.

MYCROFT: Well, that’s good to know. I’ve always wondered.

SHERLOCK: Good luck, boys.

SHERLOCK: Three, two, one, go!

A nod to A PLAY by Oscar Wilde right before the “three, two, one, go!” and the explosion. The explosion in 221B signaled the start of the play. 

Then, 

We see this scene  literally after the explosion. Two points: 

1) No transition as to how we (or how Sherlock, John, and Mycroft) got to this part (specifically, in the British Isles: “RADIO: ... Lundy, Fastnet, Irish Sea, Shannon, Malin, Sherrinford. Sherrinford. Sherrinford.” - These are all islands in the British Isles, except Sherrinford). 

2) Sherlock and John burst out of the window after the explosion and remained unscathed. No scratches. Anywhere. What a way to start the play.

SECOND SUB-ACT:

MYCROFT: It justifies dressing up or any damned thing I say it does. Now, listen to me: for your own physical safety do not speak, do not indulge in any non-verbal signals suggestive of internal thought. If the safety of my sister is compromised; if the security of my sister is compromised; if the incarceration of my sister is compromised – in short, if I find any indication my sister has left this island at any time, I swear to you, you will not.

MYCROFT: Say thank you to Doctor Watson.

GOVERNOR: Why?

MYCROFT: He talked me out of Lady Bracknell. This could have been very different.

MYCROFT: Are you in?

SHERLOCK: Just arriving at the Secure Unit. Explain.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Door opening.

“It justifies dressing up or any damned thing I say it does” = C’mon Moftiss, you didn’t think we’d see through your costumes for your play? The narrative we’re given is the whole show dressed up in a costume for an act. Moftiss, I wonder: what would justify your cover-up/dressing that is this season?

“Say thank you to Doctor Watson” =  John was our narrator for the last three seasons. We knew everything was real because the story was given to us from John’s perspective (or dare I say, eyes). 

“He talked me out of Lady Bracknell. This could have been very different” =  He talked me out of the act. It was John who guided us throughout the past seasons. JOHN has been our narrator. But Mycroft, this is ALL very peculiar, all very different…  right, because we are shown an act.

“Are you in?” = Interestingly, in the second act, the “are you in?” question asked by Myrcroft to Sherlock could also mean another thing, other than Sherlock making his way to see Eurus. Mycroft (the showrunners), saying to Sherlock (the show BBC Sherlock) “Are you in?” =  Are you in the act, are you joining the play? As is depicted, Sherlock continually enters. So he is in. 

We also hear this while Sherlock makes his way towards Eurus’ cell:

An act, within an act. A narrative within a narrative. A dream within a dream. (However you may want to interpret it)

THIRD SUB-ACT:

SHERLOCK: Please, for God’s sake, just stop it.

MYCROFT: Why?

SHERLOCK: Because, on balance, even your Lady Bracknell was more convincing.

SHERLOCK: Ignore everything he just said. He’s being kind. He’s trying to make it easy for me to kill him.

Sherlock: “For God’s sake, just stop it (the act).”

“Even your Lady Bracknell ACT was more convincing” = Where was the act then? It had already been done at this point, as Sherlock wants to stop Mycroft in putting up the act. Mycroft, as we know can also signify Moftiss in this show, just as Sherlock can signify the show BBC Sherlock. Even the ACT was more convincing than the present one. What does this say? It means that there is an act within the act. An act within an act (series 4).

Sherlock to John (aka us, the audience): “Ignore everything he just said. He’s being kind. He’s trying to make it easy for me to kill him” = Funny, didn’t we just think that Moftiss tried to reichenbach this show? Mycroft (the showrunners and even Sherlock who’s in it) are putting up an act so that it would be easier to kill the show.

(continuation) 

SHERLOCK: Which is why this is going to be so much harder. MYCROFT: You said you liked my Lady Bracknell.

JOHN: Sherlock. Don’t.

MYCROFT: It’s not your decision, Doctor Watson.

*****In case you haven’t noticed:*****

Mycroft = Moftiss

Sherlock = BBC Sherlock

John = Us

Dialogue:

Mycroft (bringing up the ACT again, right before he sacrificed himself to get shot): “You said you liked my Lady Bracknell act”

Mycroft (Moftiss): “It’s not your decision, Doctor Watson” = So, yeah, thanks Moftiss for telling us that we’re not actually in control of the situation.

Thus, three people in the room: (the showrunners, BBC Sherlock, and us)

Three people. Three characters.

Other Points of Similarity between TIOBE and BBC Sherlock:

1) Algy’s Mr. Bunbury

1.1) Richard Brook

While Algernon represents Sherlock, we can also read Algy as being Jim Moriarty - Richard Brook as it is stated in his CV.  (Found from Sherlock: The Casebook)

(photo from this post)

We know that Richard Brook is an actor, one which was invented by Jim to sell his story and prove to the world that it was Sherlock was mistaken all along.

KITTY: Of course he’s Richard Brook. There is no Moriarty. There never has been.

JOHN: What are you talking about? (Yeah, John is pretty much us. We were sold a lie, and us being clueless about it.)

JOHN: You read this stuff?

MYCROFT: Caught my eye.

MYCROFT: Saturday: they’re doing a big exposé.

(John reads the announcement at the top of the front page. The headline reads: “SHERLOCK: THE SHOCKING TRUTH” with the strapline “Close Friend Richard Brook Tells All”. The article reveals that it is an Exclusive from Kitty Riley and the text reads: “Super-sleuth Sherlock Holmes has today been exposed as a fraud in a revelation that will shock his new found base of adoring fans. // Out-of-work actor Richard Brook revealed exclusively to THE SUN that he was hired by Holmes in an elaborate deception to fool the British public into believing Holmes had above-average ‘detective skills’. // Brook, who has known Holmes for decades and until recently considered him to be a close friend, said he was at first desperate for the money, but later found he had no” [at which point the text just stops].)

JOHN: I’d love to know where she got her information.

MYCROFT: Someone called Brook. Recognise the name?

Plus:

Rich Brook is the “Bunbury”, or the fake person invented by Jim to make his act/lie more believable and convincing. We are John, who’s feels entirely deceived about this all, as we know who Jim really is, thus, we cannot just make ourselves accept Rich Brook. 

Sherlock’s line in TFP is to call out Mycroft to stop his acting.

TFP: “Please, for God’s sake, just stop it.”

We get it in TRF, when Jim Moriarty claimed to be Rich Brook.

TRF: “Stop it, stop it now!”

Similarly, we cannot be deceived by their act, as we know what the show Sherlock really is, and cannot just accept the Series 4, as it is. I mean, look at all their set-up, their costumes, their dialogue.

1.2) Series 4 Acting:

1.3) Helped by a media tycoon to set it all up? 

1.4) The family pictures:

These are staged. These photos are not how family photos should be taken. More meta on this: 1 2 3 

2) Handbag

There’s also this thing about the handbags.

Jack Worthing as a baby was found in a handbag in Victoria Railway station, in a cloak room. The handbag kept the baby in TIOBE. In Sherlock, handbags contained guns, as pointed out in this post.

Where’s the baby in Sherlock? (Allow me to play with concepts here. In TIOBE handbag --> baby. In Sherlock, handbag --> gun. What if the roles of the contents of the handbags remained the same?) 

Mary naming the baby after her name “Rosamund” was like asking for danger waiting to happen. She’s well-aware of her past. Clearly, there are reasons behind it naming the baby after her “name”. Rosie may be used as a misdirection, or as a weapon by Mary. To the manipulator, everything can be used for utility. Most especially, a baby. As pointed out in others’ metas, Rosie is just a fake baby used as a weapon by Mary to achieve her own goals.

More clues leading that the baby is fake. Look no further, the promo pics are here to save the day. As Cecilia pointed out here and here:

So many wrong things in the promo pics.

3) Twins

In TIOBE, Dr. Chasuble, the rector, was requested by both Algy and Jack to christen them both, so that they would obtain the name “Ernest”. There was even a witty line (which mentioned “twins”) in the play, when Jack asked Chasuble to christen him. 

Chasuble: In fact I have two similar ceremonies to perform at that time.  A case of twins that occurred recently in one of the outlying cottages on your own estate.  Poor Jenkins the carter, a most hard-working man.

Jack:  Oh!  I don’t see much fun in being christened along with other babies.  It would be childish.  Would half-past five do?

Chasuble:  Admirably!  Admirably!  (Takes out watch)  And now, dear Mr. Worthing, I will not intrude any longer into a house of sorrow.  I would merely beg you not to be too much bowed down by grief.  What seem to us bitter trials are often blessings in disguise.

The christening of the twins was never shown in the play (or more specifically in the book, as I read it), but this can also mean Algy and Jack, as they both wanted to be christened as “Ernest”.

Similarly, in the Abominable Bride, we have the concept of twins as well:

WATSON: Holmes, could it have been twins? HOLMES: No. WATSON: Why not? HOLMES: Because it’s never twins. LESTRADE: Emelia was not a twin, nor did she have any sisters. She had one older brother who died four years ago. WATSON: Maybe it was a secret twin. HOLMES: A what? WATSON: A secret twin? WATSON: Hmm? You know? A twin that nobody knows about? This whole thing could have been planned. HOLMES: Since the moment of conception? How breathtakingly prescient of her! It is never twins, Watson.

You see, the "secret twin” or anything “secret” (coughs /secret sister/)  might’ve been intended for this Play (series 4) to work. Jack Worthing never got to know his biological parents as he says that he lost both his parents. (His backstory being a baby left in the cloakroom). 

Jack: I said I had lost my parents.  It would be nearer the truth to say that my parents seem to have lost me

By the end of the play, with the turnout of the events, it is revealed to us by the end of the play that Jack is indeed the elder brother of Algernon. 

4) Killing of brother / friend

Lines in TIOBE (I cut some lines off): (Both Jack and Algy killed their brother/friend to continue with their lies about Ernest and Bunbury flawlessly).

---Jack---

Jack’s killing of his younger brother “Ernest:

Chasuble: Dear Mr. Worthing, I trust this garb of woe does not betoken some terrible calamity?

Jack:  My brother.

Miss Prism:  More shameful debts and extravagance?

Chasuble: Still leading his life of pleasure?

Jack:  Dead!

Chasuble: Your brother Ernest dead?

Jack:  Quite dead.

---Algy---

(Algy is continuing with his lie by making Bunbury appear dead at this point):

Algernon: Bunbury doesn’t live here. Bunbury is somewhere else at present.  In fact, Bunbury is dead.

Lady Bracknell:  Dead!  When did Mr. Bunbury die?  

Algernon: Oh! I killed Bunbury this afternoon.  I mean poor Bunbury died this afternoon.

Lady Bracknell. What did he die of?

Algernon: Bunbury? Oh, he was quite exploded.

Lady Bracknell: Exploded!  Was he the victim of a revolutionary outrage?  I was not aware that Mr. Bunbury was interested in social legislation.  If so, he is well punished for his morbidity.

Algernon: My dear Aunt Augusta, I mean he was found out!  The doctors found out that Bunbury could not live, that is what I mean—so Bunbury died.

The death of a friend... I have seen it in TFP (as narrated by Eurus):

Anyway, my point here is that the “fake” people were killed by both Jack and Algy. There are still lots of discussions on Victor Trevor and Redbeard at the moment, but Eurus’ story tells us that Victor was killed and was replaced with Redbeard, the dog, in Sherlock’s memories. In TIOBE, Algy and Jack killed their fakes to continue with their lies. Might be the same for Sherlock.

5) Christening

Algy and Jack immediately wanted to be christened by the rector to obtain the name “Ernest”, since both Cecily and Gwendolen do not approve of the names “Algernon” and “Jack”, respectively. Thus, they request Chasuble to baptize them to .... continue with their faking? So that they can get away with their lies... For the women they love... Okay. 

We went that far. That far to continue with Mary’s deceit.

In the end, we’re still trapped and watching the act:

The curtain rises. The last act. It’s not over. SH

Even more proof that this series 4 is an act, a lie. They told it to us many times before.

SHERLOCK: Everybody wants to believe it – that’s what makes it so clever. A lie that’s preferable to the truth. All my brilliant deductions were just a sham. No-one feels inadequate – Sherlock Holmes is just an ordinary man.

(They made the act pretty convincing, enough to convince some fans and the mainstream media that it’s ordinary, and not clever as we think it is.)

JOHN: Can he do that? Completely change his identity; make you the criminal? SHERLOCK: He’s got my whole life story. That’s what you do when you sell a big lie; you wrap it up in the truth to make it more palatable.

I would like to add that the Radio Times posted an article yesterday, April 10, with a quote that Moffat liked to write a PLAY. 

Moffat:  And I'd like to write a play because it would be so completely different. My main enthusiasm though is just to be at the beginning of something as opposed to well into it.

We see through your act. 

Please, for God’s sake, just stop it.

Scripts from Ariane DeVere

Tagging some who might be interested (sorry if you don’t want to be tagged):

@a-reocurring-dream @inevitably-johnlocked @goodmythicalmail @worriesconstantly @the-7-percent-solution @monikakrasnorada @ebaeschnbliah @thepineapplering @teapotsubtext @jenna221b @waitedforgarridebs @sister-edgelord @kunstninja @jawnlock-is-real @love-in-mind-palace @mollydobby @tjlcisthenewsexy @graceebooks @ti-ori-se @bug-catcher-in-viridian-forest @teaandqueerbaiting @holmesianscholar @221bloodnun @artfulkindoforder @loveismyrevolution @bluebluenova @bakerstreetcrow @smoljohnlock @antisocial-otaku @welovethebeekeeper @ivyblossom @just-sort-of-happened @shag-me-senseless-watson @thepurplewombat @moriarty @marcelock @kinklock

[ultrasfcb-blog]

French Open 2018: Why does

French Open 2018: Why does

French Open 2018: Why does

Spain’s Rafael Nadal won his 11th Roland Garros title against Austria’s Dominic Thiem

2018 French Open men’s final Venue: Roland Garros, Paris Date: Sunday, 10 June Time: 14:00 BST Coverage: Live radio and text commentary on BBC Radio 5 live, the BBC Sport website and app.

The beauty about sport is we never know what might happen when we arrive at a stadium or turn on our television.

But one thing comes as close to sporting certainty as anything else we have seen over the past 13 years: Rafael Nadal winning the French Open.

“Some say beating Rafa over five sets on clay is the toughest thing in sport – not just tennis,” says seven-time Grand Slam singles champion John McEnroe. “I would agree with that.”

Since making his debut as a talented teenager in 2005, Nadal has won a record 11 singles titles at Roland Garros – no-one in the men’s game has managed to win as many at the same Grand Slam.

And the 32-year-old Spaniard lifted the Coupe des Mousquetaires yet again on Sunday, beating Austrian seventh seed Dominic Thiem 6-4 6-3 6-2.

What makes the man nicknamed the ‘King of Clay’ almost unstoppable on the red dirt?

We’ve asked former Grand Slam champions McEnroe, Michael Chang and Pat Cash, along with analysts and journalists, to tell us.

His vicious forehand and movement

Nadal’s run of winning 37 successive sets at Roland Garros stretched back to 2015

Nadal won 37 sets in a row at Roland Garros, surpassing his own previous best streak of 32, before Argentine 11th seed Diego Schwartzman stopped him moving closer to Bjorn Borg’s all-time record of 41 by winning the opener in their quarter-final.

Borg won six French Open titles between 1974 and 1981, setting a record that stood until it was surpassed by Nadal in 2012.

“I was around the era where I thought I was watching the greatest – I was at the time – Borg. Nadal eclipses him,” said McEnroe, a Roland Garros finalist in 1984.

Nadal’s main weapon is that vicious, lasso-style forehand which has become his trademark.

Nobody has hit a higher percentage of forehand winners than the Spaniard over the past fortnight, with 12% of his points coming through this shot.

That, added to his sharp movement and supreme athleticism, is what makes Nadal great, according to Chang.

“He has the uncanny ability of being able to hit a lot of forehands and move very well on clay,” the American, who won Roland Garros as a 17-year-old in 1989, told BBC Sport.

“He knows how to manipulate the angles to build to get people out of position.

“He is very aggressive, although patient when he needs to be, but for the most part if the shot is there he is taking it and going for it.

“He’s the one manipulating, making you move and putting you in awkward positions to the point where he has easy cutaways.”

Being a leftie

Nadal is a left-handed player which, in conjunction with his other attributes, is a key part to his success, according to Chang.

“If Rafa was a right-handed player I don’t think his game would be quite as effective,” said the former world number two.

“Being a leftie means that everything spins the other way.

“The strong forehands always come into a right-handed player’s backhand, hooking him off the court, and the inside-out coming back the other way, it is tough to cover.”

Second serve

In tennis, the second serve is the ultimate safety net, allowing players to go all out on their first serve, knowing they have a back-up if they miss.

Second serves are slower and weaker than first serves, and in men’s tennis, these points are where the real contest is waged, says tennis journalist Amy Lundy.

Lundy has produced an in-depth analysis of Nadal’s second service game over the past year and believes a significant improvement in this area is the key to his continued dominance on the red dirt.

“Nadal is taking this backstop and using it to crush his opponents,” she told BBC Sport.

“For most professional tennis players, anything above winning 50% of their second serve points is considered good.

“On clay, Nadal has driven up that percentage to over 66% won on second serve in the past year, heading into the 2018 French Open.”

Growing up on clay courts

Clay is the natural surface for Spanish players, with about 100,000 red-dirt courts across the country – even most small villages have them.

So it is not surprising that Nadal is the latest in a long line of Spanish success – albeit far more sustained than his predecessors – at Roland Garros.

Nadal’s 11 wins, plus triumphs for Sergi Bruguera (two), Carlos Moya, Albert Costa and Juan Carlos Ferrero, means the nation has accounted for 16 of the past 25 male champions.

“Roland Garros has always been the most special tournament for us,” said Joan Solsona, a Spanish tennis journalist who has worked for daily sports newspaper Marca since 1998.

“So it affects the way you prepare as a tennis player – you want to be good on clay. Playing and learning on clay is natural for Spanish people.”

Majorca-born Nadal first stepped on to clay aged four, starting to practise at his local tennis club in Manacor with his uncle Toni – the man who developed and coached him until retiring last year.

“Nadal was from a small town of 40,000 people and his local club had six or seven clay courts,” added Solsona.

“We are lucky because Spain is a sunny country and this has a big effect. The clay courts stay in good condition in the good weather and means you can practise on them all year round because of the weather.

“We’re also advised that playing on clay is the best surface for children to learn on because it is easier to move on and means they don’t get injured as much.

“So Rafa started moving on clay from a young age and it shows.”

‘Perfect’ conditions

The clay surface slows the ball down more than grass, enabling Nadal to use his athleticism to construct his points and tee up that famed forehand.

In turn, it helps him hit the ball harder and more accurately, while the hotter summer temperatures in mainland Europe – where the majority of the clay-court season takes place – help Nadal generate more bounce.

It is notable that Nadal’s successes in Monte Carlo and Rome, two of the Tour’s three clay-court Masters tournaments, outnumber those in Madrid – the third – as the high altitude of the Spanish capital means the ball moves quicker.

“The conditions at Roland Garros suit him perfectly,” said Thiem, who has lost all three of his meetings with Nadal in Paris. “It’s similar to Monte Carlo, where he also plays amazing.

“Also the court at Roland Garros is very big. We can return very far behind the baseline. That’s an advantage to him. And I think the balls, we like them.”

Nadal’s least impressive performance came in the opening set of his quarter-final against Schwartzman, on a colder and damp day before he fought back in warmer conditions, although the 17-time Grand Slam champion said afterwards it did not make a difference.

“Some people say it has to be a cold day where he can’t get the ball through the court,” Cash, who reached the fourth round at the 1988 French Open, told BBC Radio 5 live.

“But if Rafa can’t get the ball fast through the court then who can?

“The hot conditions suit Rafa. He’s bouncing those balls in above your shoulders – they are a foot or two higher than any other player on the circuit.”

Rafa’s clay-court dominance since 2005 French Open 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2017, 2018 (11) Monte Carlo Masters 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2016, 2017, 2018 (11) Rome Masters 2005, 2006, 2007, 2009, 2010, 2012, 2013, 2018 (8) Madrid Open* 2010, 2013, 2014, 2017 (4) Barcelona Open 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2016, 2017, 2018 (11)

*Nadal also won one title in 2004 before Madrid changed from a hard court to a clay court.

How do you beat him?

Nadal has only lost twice at Roland Garros – he pulled out before his last-32 match against fellow Spaniard Marcel Granollers in 2016 with a wrist injury.

Long-time rival Novak Djokovic was the last person to actually beat him on court, winning in straight sets in their 2015 quarter-final.

Djokovic went into the match as the favourite, being the world number one and on a 26-match winning streak.

Nadal’s first defeat at Roland Garros, however, was a seismic shock.

A last-16 victory in 2009 earned Robin Soderling, an unheralded Swede who had never previously checked into the second week of a Grand Slam, a place in the sport’s history books.

Soderling beat Nadal 6-2 6-7 (2-7) 6-4 7-6 (7-2) at Roland Garros in 2009

“On that day everything worked for me,” Soderling told BBC World Service.

“You have to be extremely aggressive. There is no other way of beating him on clay.

“You have to play a little bit flatter than you usually do, play close to the baseline and take your chances.

“You need to play with smaller margins and take some risks because no-one will beat him staying two metres from the baseline and beating him on his own terms. You have to take the initiative.”

Nadal’s march to his 11th title

Stage Opponent Result Time First round Simone Bolelli 6-4 6-3 7-6 (9-7) 2hr 57 Second round Guido Pella 6-2 6-1 6-1 2hr 03 Third round Richard Gasquet 6-3 6-2 6-2 1hr 58 Fourth round Maximilian Marterer 6-3 6-2 7-6 (7-4) 2hr 30 Quarter-finals Diego Schwartzman 4-6 6-3 6-2 6-2 3hr 50 Semi-finals Juan Martin del Potro 6-4 6-1 6-2 2hr 14 Final Dominic Thiem 6-4 6-3 6-2 2hr 42

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