#lucky for me I don't plan to make a narrative so it makes my life much easier

[toffeebrews]

I can kinda see why the abyss team was made smaller, its kinda hard to put 8 characters into a narrative without some becoming sidelined.

[leclercsloveletter]

CL16 | friends or not

Summary: You love Charles, but he keeps you treading on the line between friends and strangers. The humiliation and frustration finally got to you.

Pairing: Charles Leclerc x fem reader

Words count: 1842

Warning: mention of sex, angsty I guess? Google translated french

Author’s note: Inspired by Zeph’s song I just love her music so much. This is my first time using tumblr to post fic so let me know if I can improve the formatting somehow to make it easier to read! Thank youu <3

"Hey Y/n, I'm in Monaco today, pull through?"

"Sure, usual time?"

He left a heart reaction to the text, the familiar dance of messages unfolded with practised precision. An occasional catch-up session with Charles over a glass of wine or within the intimate confines of your shared solitude has become the only constant rhythm in your situation with him. In fact, you don't remember the last time it wasn't like this. He texts you when he's around, and sometimes makes plans just to let it fall through at the last second. You understand he's a man of business, always busy and on his feet, but why would he even consider getting to know you when he knows he can't be at least present in your life as a friend? Worse, why did you allow him to get his way?

Charles Leclerc is the type of man to only text back half the time you texted him. You would be lucky if he read your messages, a lot of the time, he resorts to ghosting you for days or even weeks only to reply with short, blunt, generic answers. Sometimes you laugh to yourself at the audacity of this man, a virtuoso of unpredictability, to parade you around like his future girl during intimate dinners with his friends only to burst your bubble when he's back on the road again.

But sadly, Charles Leclerc is more than that. Besides his devilishly handsome face, he donned the facade of the happiest man alive, a veneer that temporarily eclipsed the shadows of uncertainty when you're finally allowed to occupy his precious time. The streets of Monte Carlo bore witness to your interplay of laughter and the tender clasping of hands. With him holding you so close to his chest the paparazzi can't snap a shot of his mystery girl. It gets to your head like a sick disease. Moments like that are when his existence woven itself seamlessly into the fabric of your life.

Between the white sheets plastered on your naked body and the whispers of the Medditerian sea, Charles Leclerc was your Charlie. The Charlie that speaks in fluent waves of serenity about his life on the road. His words are like a siren's song, drowning out the echoes of your longing that surface in his absence. In those stolen moments, he becomes the tranquil pulse that courses through the veins of your shared narrative. You wish you could tear him out of your skin.

"So, how's life?"

You start the conversation, sitting across from him in a restaurant on the edge of Monaco. Charles is gorgeous as always, in his cream-coloured sweaters that you spent many early mornings nuzzled in before he kindly pulled it off your frame.

"Would you believe me if I said it was kind of shit? Could've been a better season I guess. How about you?"

Charles replied with a laugh, sipping on the sweet wine with eyes fixed on you. It should be illegal for him to give you that look, the look that says he has a genuine interest in your existence.

"I can tell, you always call me when you panic. I think I had more calls from you this season than I ever had before."

A quiet acknowledgment, an attempt to make him realise the shared vulnerabilities you had for each other. You look around before continuing, the same restaurant where you first met, linked up through a mutual friend at a dinner party. He gave you his number over a glass of whiskey on the rock, leaving you full of naive anticipation to send the first text.

"I remember the first time I saw you here. I was starstruck to meet you in real life, clinging to every word you said, so excited when you handed me your number. I wish I wasn't the last thing on your mind Charlie."

Words flow out of you uncontrollably, you don't know why you said that. The pain bubbling up and closing behind your throat as you speak intrigues Charles who now wears an expression of confusion and slight frustration.

"What do you mean Y/n? You know how much you meant to me, tu es la meilleure chose sur terre, chérie."

His gaze softens, hands reaching out to pat a stray hair on your head. His attempt at reassurance softened the moment, yet a lingering doubt clung to the air. You wish he meant it, or meant it and not regret it.

"You're looking at me like that again. Like I'm the best thing on earth to you."

"Because you are-"

"Only because I'm the only one to look at. The second best of two is just last Charles."

Over that bar counter where he slipped you his number, when you were dwelling on the heartbreak of your last relationship, or when you found yourself crying in his living room over the loss of your friend, Charles always said he'd be there for you. Yet, in the crucible of reality, the promises seemed hollow. He's only there when nobody else needs him. You're a second thought to him, a blind spot he noticed when it's convenient. But a part of you desperately held on to Charles, wishing, praying, begging that one day you would be promoted to have a position in his life and not just an on-and-off fling he does.

"I'm sorry Y/n, I didn't mean to make you feel that way."

He said, voice just as calm and peaceful as you always knew. But filled with static and signals that you're tired of decoding. Right at that moment, you realise you could either move on or continue being his nuisance. To set yourself free from Charles's hot and cold would mean to be free of the games he set you in.

"Just reply to my text more often Charlie."

But to set yourself free from Charles also means to lose the love you drove through all the mixed signals for.

-

"Mon ange, what are you thinking about?"

"Nothing much, just that time you brought me to dinner with Max and Kelly. It was nice."

The street of Monaco, viewed from the inside of Charles' car, was silent on a weeknight, surrounded by the sea where lights and chatters fell into white noise. It felt the same as the night when Charles hit you up last minute since he "didn't have a plus one for a party" which turns out to be just dinner with Max and his girlfriend Kelly who have to go on a work trip abroad next week.

Kelly sat across from you, mirroring one another: Women who are successful in their line of work, flowing with beauty and sophistication, have a world-class F1 driver accompany them while you all sit and gossip. The only difference is that she has a title and you don't.

"So Charles, when will Y/n be making paddock appearances? I think Ferrari would love it if you put on a show for the tifosi."

Max joked, tipsy over the seemingly unlimited alcohol on the table. Charles and you both choked on air, but you were flustered with your heart drumming in your chest, and Charles was trying to hide the scrunch of his nose.

"Ah I don't know Max, we are still trying to figure ourselves out. I'm in no rush to run PR and have Ferrari staging pap on me."

He sighs with a chuckle, Max and Kelly both wear concerned gazes seeing your face drop. In your head, the world stops spinning, he doesn't even have the guts to refer to you as a friend, but just something mysterious and hindering that he has to "figure out". The delicious food suddenly turns sour in your mouth, as sour as the pity he's sparing you by asking if you're alright.

-

"Charles, are we friends?"

"Of course we are, I wouldn't let a stranger in my car yea?"

He said lightheartedly, humming to the song on the radio. You can only let out a sigh, you don't know if he's dumb or he's leading you on anymore. Your desire for him is real, it's running thin by the second.

"Stop the car, Charlie."

"What?"

"We need to talk"

He pulled over carefully, you left the pista so fast it's like the leather was burning holes in your skin. The night breeze hit your already cold skin, Charles brought out a coat you know he kept in the back seat to swing over you. If only this was how it is always, to have him so close and so caring, to be his only one.

"So..."

"Charlie, are you bored of me? Did you realise I'm replaceable? If there's anyone better please just let me know and we don't have to pretend we know each other anymore. Please Charles I'm sick of being led around like your decoration only for you to treat me like less than a friend when you're away."

Silence, he stood in silence with a look you can't recognise after spending so much time tiptoeing around him. Your pleading caught him off guard, he probably didn't know you had a breaking point. Or at least he didn't expect it to catch up to him so soon. Charles pulled you into a hug, a futile attempt to assuage the tears streaming down your cheeks.

"I promise we are friends. I'm sorry mon ange, that I made you feel that way. I'm uncertain about us, I don't know what I want from you. I just want to keep you around."

"Charles I'm not just something to keep around. I have my values, I'm a human too. I want you but if you don't want us then just...let us go"

"I don't want-"

"This isn't just about you Charles, it's about me too. I will not sit around to wait for you while you go fuck another girl on a different continent every race season. You either give me something or you let me live."

You tore away from his arms in the outburst. Charles looks lost, heartbroken, just the way you look when he did the same to you. You almost run right back to apologise, to cradle him in your love and swear to never hurt him again. But you can't stand being a pet of his anymore, not when you put your whole soul into this man but still not deserving of a title.

Silence, silence hung in the air so heavy and suffocating as he led you back into the car, and dropped you off at your place. A "bye" so small it got lost in the wind as he drove away. War is over you guessed, even though there was no answer but no answer is better than waiting for a potential answer from him. You pull out your phone, delete his number, delete your pictures, unfollow his private account and let the heartbreak wash over you.

Down the street, Charles felt the same as you do for the first time.

[unsoundedcomic]

For all her dissaproval of 'The Man' writing the importance of cruelty into 'The Story', the Lady (and btw you too Ashley 😁) took some serious notes from his textbook. I mean, I really feel for Prakhuta here: all that pain, all that suffering, all that enduring, all for nothing..? He's truly one of your most tragic characters. Born into an abused, enslaved people. Tortured by Delicieu for years, abandoned by his only friend, maimed and banished by his own kin, haunted by the pure pain and horrorside of the Khert, and now failing in the one task that could've made all that suffering atleast have a purpose. A good cause. A true ending. I know he's also a homicidal maniac, but his journey mirrors that of Duane's in so many ways that it is extra sad to me that there seems to be no sympathy or understanding for him in your readership. I mean, with the way Delicieu 'bound' a human soul unto him, can Prakhuta even make or recall happy memories? Is cackling in the proximity of promised relief and being privey to some of the Lady's plans, the only respite he gets/deserves?

Oh, there are readers who have sympathy for Prakhuta. They've been in my inbox all day! :)

I don't think anything redeems suffering and I don't think anyone fundamentally deserves anything. In the words of Ssael, good men keep no accounts. It's better to live day by day, for the sake of others, and not obsess over all the wrongs done to you and by you. Because nothing can undo them. They and everything else remain suspended forever in time. The only way is forward, and we are all going to the same place.

It's not all that different in Kasslyne. There is no redemption. There is only Today and, if you're very lucky, Tomorrow.

Prakhuta lived a life full of suffering and torment, and there is nothing that can undo that fact. Yerta could appear and open her motherly arms and embrace him and he still would have lived a life full of suffering and torment. If Knock had not been there for Ana in the end, what would have changed? Nothing, really, except the reader would have missed out on that brief burst of catharsis as our pattern-seeking brains recognised the bookend of a narrative arc. But Ana still suffered horribly, and she still was dead, and not one jot of that was undone by a hug from Knock.

Anyway, I know I probably sound very grim, but I do like to keep it real. If you see a Prakhuta or an Ana, and you feel you can do something for them, do it. Redemption's for stories, and sometimes not even then~

[littlemisssquiggles]

Did you see the RWBY volume 9 epilogue?

I'm happy there was more to it than what we got from last year and that we actually got to see characters like Nora Oscar and Ren featured as important characters

I'm especially Happy Oscar actually got to be in it because to be honest he gets excluded so much I was actually shocked he had a part and we actually got to focus on him for once

This also gives me hope that they'll do something similar like they did with cinder ,with Oscar because I believe it was possibly said in a q&a or in a live stream

that originally they wanted to do cinders backstory and volume 4-5 when we thought she got killed off again but they kept having to push it back along with other things they wanted to do for certain characters

and since many think Oscar is possibly not going to make it through his merge and it will be just ozpin/Oz

when it's done maybe we'll actually get to see his past and maybe because Oscar is merging with Ozpin that means his memories are catching up with Oz's memories and will maybe get to see Oz's past too because that's something we've all wondered about as well

and maybe we'll get a hint at where the final relic is because I don't believe the writers are just going to wait tell the last minute to show us were it is I think they're going to hint at it

I don't Oscar part sense he my favorite along side ozpin

what do you think 🤔

Hiya Autumn o/ Thank you so much for your inbox and pardon the late reply.

To answer your first question, yes, I did see the full V9 Epilogue Animatic. TWICE and I plan on rewatching it many, many times because I haven’t recovered from it yet.

I know I’ve been relatively silent these days especially when it comes to this newly dropped animatic. But that’s mostly because I haven’t fully gathered my thoughts on it yet to form a consisive essay.

My head is still reeling from all that was revealed in that short space of animatic frames, particularly the bits about Oscar and what he’s currently going through. As a Pinehead, you just know that part got to me the most because BOI! WAS IT GOOD! Oscar-worthy, as I might say,

So if I may, and if you don’t mind m’fam, I am going to piggyback off of your inboxed message and use this as opportunity to get some of my main thoughts about Oscar’s side of the Epilogue off of my chest. So here I go.

According to the RWBY V9 full Epilogue Animatic…

Oscar’s story with the Merge with Oz has officially started with him isolating himself from his friends while he goes through it on his own, practically dooming him (and essentially Oz as well) to suffer in silence.

But while that’s how things seem to be starting, if it doesn’t end with a scene where Oscar is going through the Merge but this time he’s surrounded by all of his friends all vowing to stay by side through it all and cherish him for who he is---Oscar---no matter who he becomes after the Merge.

If it doesn’t end with all of Oscar’s friends being there for him during the Merge (ESPECIALLY Ruby) then, like Jon Snow , I don't want it.

I don’t know how Oscar’s story will end.

The way I perceive it, Oscar’s story can end in many possible different ways.

In one way, Oscar’s story could end the way it was originally intended to, according to the natural progression of the narrative.---with Salem being defeated, Ozma finally moving on and Oscar being allowed to live the rest of his days as himself, Merge completely avoided.

Or like a Shamalan movie, it can end with a twist. Maybe Oscar isn’t so lucky and doesn’t avoid the Merge like his predecessors and is changed forever.

Maybe Oscar gets attack by Tyrian and “dies” forcing the Merge to happen as a way to save his life.

Maybe Oscar is taken to the Tree and gets to meet the Blacksmith who decides his final fate in the Merge.

Or who knows? Maybe the CRWBY Writers saw the recent 60th anniversary Doctor Who special and have the brilliance to put a new spin on the whole Ozma cycle where instead of Oscar merging with Oz, the two split apart with either wizards retaining their memories and single identities.

Instead of Oscar of losing himself to the Merge, he is set free leaving Ozma to carry on his mission to the Gods as himself. So no more pairing him up with like-minded souls. Like Oscar, Ozma is now his own person with his own agency. So even if he died again, similar to Salem, Ozma was still immortal only now he would simply come back in his original body as opposed to the former latter of playing hot potato with his soul inhabiting another poor innocent man or young boy’s body. All this with the extra added bonus that now we have two great and powerful wizards for the price of one. Both Oscar and the newly reincarnated Ozma (who gets back his original form---the one that was married to Salem and equally as powerful as her) retained his combat-ready muscle memory and shared ability to use magic. So Ozma, naturally fights with his trademark Long Memory, while Oscar uses magic freehand without the need for the cane.

That last one’s a big stretch but like all of my past Pinehead headcanons that I’ve tossed aimlessly into the ether of the FNDM community, I’m keeping it on the table of possibilities since it’d make a sick Oscar the Sorceror’s Apprentice Pinehead headcanon AU. Definitely adding that one to the list.

---

Anyways, getting back on track. Through everything that Oscar has been put through in the story so far, the most I want from this whole Merge storyline is that he doesn’t have to go through it on his own and I don’t mean, he’s going through it with just Oz as his main company.

What I mean for that is, I don’t think the implications of what the Merge means has truly sunk in for the rest of the hero team. A part of me wishes to assume that part of the reason why the rest of the hero team seems so nonchalant about Oscar’s whole merge with Oz is because Oscar has never truly been honest with them about how he really feels about the merge.

The last time Oscar spoke about the Merge with the team was back in V6 when he basically did it in such a “no biggie; don’t worry about me” sort of way that it came off as if he just said it to sound brave in the moment for the sake of the team and for the sake of keeping his own emotions in check.

I say this because as we’ve seen from the events of V7 through V8, Oscar is very anxious about the Merge. He doesn’t want it to happen which is why he and Oz are now fighting to keep it from happening even though it’s already long begun.

Bottom-line, I don’t think Oscar has been completely honest with anyone else outside of Oz about how he truly feels concerning the Merge. And now that it’s happening, he’s basically resolved himself to go through it alone. I don’t even think anyone else in the current group; not Nora, not Emerald, not even Ren (who literally has the ability to read someone’s thoughts and feelings through their emotions) knows about what he’s going through.

I wonder if Oscar puts on a brave face whenever he’s with the others and anytime he feels another “Merger episode” coming along, he quickly excuses himself (probably claiming that he needs to get back to his research in the Archives of Solitude) so the others don’t have to see him going through it.

Ren, in particular, because I’m sure if Ren saw Oscar’s pain from the Merge, he would blurt it out. Ren has now become the unsung singing canary of the hero team after his whole semblance upgrade.

Just like how he blurted out that Ozpin was back during the tunnel walk back in V8 following the rescue mission and escape from Monstro, Ren would definitely reveal that Oscar is going through the Merge if he knew he was going through it and having a painful grand ole time too.

Ren’s inability to remain discrete when revealing another’s true emotions could probably explain why Oscar has been avoiding alone time with him.

If you look at it, Ren is on his own probably stretching himself between helping everyone. It’s also interesting to me that Oscar hasn’t asked anyone else to help look for stuff in the Shade Archives.

Even if Oscar is technically two people in one, that is still a big ass library of books and archives to sift through for even two people. And yet, as we saw from the epilogue, Oscar is ALONE most of the time and I highly doubt no one else offered to help him in the libraries.

I know the Atlesian refugees are a priority but, when you look closely, everyone else is basically sharing the work; helping each other out with something. Nora is supporting folks like SSSN and CVFY.

Same for Ren. Em as well (even though she’s mostly mentioned in notes in the scene in the animatic).

 But when you look to Oscar. He is ALL BY HIMSELF.

Yes, he has Oz with him. But, that doesn’t count. Why hasn’t anyone else volunteered to help Oscar in the archives?

My assumption is because Oscar probably convinced the others to leave the archives to him (and Oz) and prioritize the refugees as a way of ensuring that he’s by himself at all times so no one would have to glimpse his pain from the Merge.

Again, each time a merger episode was highlighted in the epilogue animatic, Oscar was by himself. So my money is that no one knows what Oscar’s really going through.

No one else knows of his mental struggle or pain.

And why I find this interesting is because it kind of parallels Ruby’s whole detachment period from the others in the Ever After before she went to the Tree and what happened at the Mad Tea Party.

Not saying Oscar will share a similar experience as Ruby. I’m just saying, he’s clearly removed himself from the others and acting alone.

As Ren pointed out, he’s not himself. He’s there but…not there at the same time.

This brings me back to my point. Personally, I do want Oscar pulling himself from the team to hide the fact that he’s going through the Merge to be proven canon.

And I want it to be canon so that the first person to pick up that something is clearly off about Oscar’s behaviour to be Ruby.

Maybe Ruby realizes that Oscar is acting weird and when she brings it up, Ren is probably definitely the first person to reveal that he’s been sensing something off for a while but after everything that’s happened, similar to how he’s currently giving Nora space to work things out on her own, Ren has been doing the same with Oscar.

He’s been giving the little prince space when if anyone were to look closely at Ren’s expressions, they could probably see his frustration in being the one to know fully well that his friends aren’t entirely ok and despite wanting to help, he still feels helpless because Ren can’t force his friends to accept his help; no matter how much he offers, y’know what I mean?

I feel like some of RWBYJ’s struggles in the After Ever and how they rose to triumph over them could be mirrored in what NOR is going through now back in Vacuo.

Overall, the point I’m trying to make here is that I just want a moment where Oscar is having another merger episode and he tries to go through it alone, believing that he has to, only to get the reassurance and support he needs from his friends.

I saw someone compare Oscar’s merger episodes to Penny’s battle with Watts’ virus back in V8.

And while I didn’t enjoy the forced heavy focus on Penny during that season, I did sort of like how it culminated in everyone coming together to show their support of Penny and reminding her that she is a part of their team.

That is a type of a moment I want for Oscar. Because unlike Penny, feeling like a part of the team as himself and not just a placeholder for Oz is something Oscar desires.

I want Oscar to push his friends away, believing that he needed to go through this Merge on his own, only to be reminded by his friends in the end that they have his back no matter what.

That he is still a part of their team. That he is still Oscar to them no matter who he becomes in the Merge.

I want a scene where Oscar loses it, possibly even abusing his magic to force walls between himself and his friends only for those said friends to break down those walls and be there for him.

(Maybe even have a moment where Oscar loses control of his magic while trying to fight the Merge and it ends up looking like a moment where everyone thinks it's another Grimm attack when it's actually Oscar whose feelings of the merge have manifested into some kind of monstrous form that Oscar practically cocooned himself inside of).

Y’know that moment in Steven Universe Future where Steven loses control and all of his friends---all the major people he has helped throughout the seasons---come together to help him for once.

I want a moment where the whole team---Ruby, Nora, Ren, Jaune, Blake, Yang, Weiss and Emerald---all of Oscar’s people are there at his side showing him full support as he goes through the Merge; ensuring him that he doesn’t have to be scared of the Merge anymore because no matter who he becomes in the Merge, he will always be Oscar to them.

He’s not Ozpin. He’s not Ozma. He’s sure as hell ain’t Salem’s Ozma. He’s Oscar. Their Oscar

The small, cute farm boy from Mistral who showed up on their doorstep one random night in Mistral and has now cemented himself as one of the most important members of their little team that they will not stand to lose; not even to himself.

I want Oscar to be reminded by his friends that he will be cherished and supported no matter who he becomes in Merge.

Even if Oscar forgot his “old self” due to the Merge, they---his friends, will be there to remind him of who he was because they, as his friends, will never forgot Oscar because to them, he never left.

I just want a moment where everybody group hugs Oscar while he cries about SIX SEASONS worth of repressed tears after all the sh** he's been put through plot-wise. I want it dagnabbit!

Who knows? Maybe Oscar has another painful merger episode and it’s the worse one he’s had since it started and the love and support of his friends surrounding him is what helps to ease him out of it and back to his old farm boy Oscar self.

Just give me one scene like that. That’s all I want.

Don’t know if it will ever come to fruition given the current state of RT and the fate of RWBY as a whole. But hey, still wanted to get that off of my chest.

---

On the subject of the CRWBY Writers possibly showing more of Oscar's past in V10 as he's going through the Merge:

Honestly, at this point, m'fam, it's either now or never.

Now, as in during the events of V10, is the perfect time to give the audience more insight into Oscar's past and who he is. It is practically mandatory at this point that they show it as he is going into a storyline where he's being forced to lose that part of himself. They just have to do it!

Just as how V8 could pretty much be pretty much summed up as another Cinder-centric season similar to V4-V5, V10 could potentially be more Oscar-focused as he's going through the Merge. Like I said, it's the right time for them to do it.

And while I'm unsure of them telling Ozpin's story, maybe that too can be done and do something similar to what they did with Ren and Nora's backstory back in V4.

We got Ren and Nora's whole history in Kunoyuri in an episode that jumped back and forth between the past and the present.

Perhaps Oscar could have a potential episode in V10 where he's having another Merge episode and, as I theorized, he loses control of his magic while a) fighting the Merge again and b) running away/hiding from his friends so that they would've have to see him suffer through it.

So it's an episode that ping pongs between the present day where Oscar's friends are trying to get through to him while he's suffering through yet another painful Merger episode and the past which reveals more of Oscar's backstory leading up to the moment he met Oz and possibly showing other Oscar-centric moments that we, as the audience, never got to see like what happened with Oscar in Argus after his fall out with Jaune (remember we never got to see his side of things and it's something that still bothers me to this day)

Perhaps Ozpin's past is mixed in with it as well as you mentioned and the location of the final relic is actually revealed in Ozpin's memories in a flashback where he entrusted the location to someone. Maybe that person was Summer Rose. Since V9 revealed there is more to Summer Rose's story and that Raven actually knows more about that; perhaps Summer Rose's disappearance is connected to the final Relic or at least the final vault?

I dunno.

Overall, I definitely do like the idea of a potential episode of V10 fully dedicated to sharing bits of both Oscar's past as well as Ozpin's; specifically during his time as headmaster of Beacon when Team STRQ were still students since it could potentially reveal more on where Oz hid the location of the Vault of the Fall Maiden and the Relic of Choice. And if that episode is then followed up by an episode that shows the hero team---all of Oscar's friends actually helping him through an episode of the Merge then even better.

I think that would be pretty amazing. Hope that helps answer your questions m'fam. Let me know.

~ LMS (2024)

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Angst (8) Masterlist

part one, part two, part three, part four, part five, part six, part seven

a night to remember (ao3) - grievingwarwidow

Summary: roxie, who prefers the label exotic performer over stripper, is a star amongst people who are out when the sun goes down. who better for a close-minded phil who has despised what he labels as lowlifes to suddenly obsess over than Roxie himself?

aka the one where phil gets pathetically hung up on dan, better known as roxie and is desperate to get to know him better.

Aftermath (ao3) - firephan311

Summary: What happened during that week in March when Dan abruptly stopped taking his antidepressants.

Angelfish (ao3) - PyroStormIsBae

Summary: musings on phil’s anxiety, self image issues, and new hair + how dan loves him through it all.

(TW) Catch You on the Flipside (ao3) - Amorist (dead_on_the_inside)

Summary: Dan is holding himself together by the seams after running away from a religious cult. He has to ask himself why he keeps going, but deep down, he knows the answer already. It's the same answer it was long before his parents packed up and moved him to a thinly-veiled conversion camp in America—Phil.

Or, my excuse to write self-indulgent angst, because sometimes we need that.

Chips (ao3) - philsmeatylegss

Summary: Dan struggling with the concept that all healthy couples should fight.

Coffee by Chappell Roan (ao3) - danswideslit

Summary: someone on tumblr mentioned needing a dnp fic with the narrative from coffee and I felt inspired because I love that song a whole lot

Comfort in Chaos (ao3) - Anonymous

Summary: Phil wakes to Dan having a nightmare that he struggles to rouse him from. It later transpires that there is a reason behind his unsettled and panicked behaviour.

crushing grief (there is no remedy) (ao3) - shandril

Summary: When Phil comes to get the last of his things, Dan has one more chance to ask him to stay.

Deceit and Devotion (ao3) - Thatonefunhun

Summary: Phil Lester has it all. A successful career doing what he loves, a “bestie” who's always got his back, and a can-do attitude! He’s living the life! But what goes on beyond the camera? And is everything as it seems…

Falling for You (ao3) - Anonymous

Summary: Dan is at the front door waiting for Phil, eager to get outside so he can put his secret plan in motion when he hears a chilling thud of his partner colliding with the bathroom tiles.

First Love/Late Spring (ao3) - leewritesstuff

Summary: Dan and Phil are a ranch metaphor.

Dan and Phil are the moon and the ocean.

Dan and Phil are first loves.

Phil left in late spring.

frozen in time and space (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: It’s 3:30 in the morning and Dan hasn’t been able to stop looking.

I Hardly Feel Anything At All (ao3) - BREAD2000yeet

Summary: Dan in a depressive episode spends his night at Phil's apartment to "do laundry" while there he finds what home truly means, some existential stuff, Phil is kinda unaware of depression (so is Dan in this fic, de-nial is a river in egypt) but he still cares

I know you, hands under my sweatshirt (ao3) - midorijpg

Summary: “How are you?”

It's with an undertone of fear that he dares ask that, as always, even if he knows that he’s lucky if Dan even decides to answer. And as he imagines, Dan just tilts his head, looking at him as if lost in thought, swinging the bottle with his hand before just resting it on the floor.

“Make room,” he just says.

“What?”

“I said, make room.”

or, something something about having bad days and growing up and realizing you don't (completely) fit in couches anymore.

I try to picture me without you but I can't (ao3) - solarpower21

Summary: After Dan's tragic death, Phil starts having a bunch of strange dreams where he is still alive. But are they really just dreams?

Or: Phil's soul consciousness can't cope with Dan's death, so he starts hopping between different universes, trying to look for him.

I’ll be the light that you can’t make (ao3) - MANIAvinyl

Summary: There was suddenly a tightness in Phil’s chest, put there by guilt and fear, and he couldn’t find the words to respond. The gravity of Dan’s depression was creeping up on him, like a realization he didn’t want to admit.

Or; Dan is depressed and Phil cant help but feel that the sickness in his best friend is a mystery to them both. Hurt/comfort and angst

It's either bathmat green or agony (ao3) - sunshine_and_storm_clouds

Summary: It was day 34 of Dan being gone on tour, and Phil had only left the house to see his parents or the occasional friend. The breeze from the fan brushed his chilled skin, and he shivered.

----

Phil really, REALLY misses Dan when he's away.

Peach and Lime (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Phil doesn't do relationships. And then he meets Dan. He still doesn't do relationships, but he has a fun angst-filled night.

(TW) Perfect (ao3) - Anonymous

Summary: Phil is going to make TATINOF perfect-whatever it takes to get there.

Proxy Requests (ao3) - philsmeatylegss

Summary: A story about poop and fear (unrelated)

Stir Fry (ao3) - ottertrashpalace

Summary: Dan never cooks unless he's feeling guilty. Phil waits.

The Anniversary (ao3) - Anonymous

Summary: It is fifteen years to the day since Dan's suicide attempt, and Phil endeavours to make the day as normal as possible.

The Beeping Penthouse (ao3) - gaydreaming

Summary: Set during the events of How Phil Nearly Died. Dan does his best to take care of Phil after their traumatic day, despite being terrified himself. As is to be expected, things dissolve into softness and silliness rather quickly, until they're both able to feel okay again.

the inherent romance of washing the sheets (ao3) - jonsaremembers

Summary: Laundry is a bit meditative when you know how to do it, Dan reflects as he sprays stain solution on the sheets.

to love somebody the way i love you (ao3) - howell_slide

Summary: Dan and Phil return home from the hospital, and Dan’s Going Through It emotionally.

trade all my tomorrows (ao3) - SylvesterLester

Summary: It's 2014, and Dan Howell is screwing up in life. Fresh off of potentially ruining his just-started acting career with a heavily-memed public freakout, he's ready to hide away for the rest of his life. Until a stranger reaches out, who might not be such a stranger after all.

when i walk in the kitchen, my heart hits the floor (ao3) - aura_sky

Summary: a phivorce fic

based on the Renee Rapp song (In the Kitchen)

or

Dan walks into the kitchen and he misses Phil.

wikihow to stop a divorce (ao3) - ivorycastle

Summary: ❝(...) but then suddenly one day you make a life change, and the flames feel no different..❞

You're Perfect To Me (ao3) - ticklishraspberries

Summary: Dan is feeling insecure about his body, and Phil can’t have that.

[cosmicpines]

One of my favorite things about Greater Boston is that, sometimes, I don't know if it's the train or the podcast making noise. I listen to podcasts on my or when I'm going to see friends, so I often listen to Greater Boston on the T. The Red Line, usually, because I'm a MIT student and we have our own stop. I think about there being a secret lab whenever I get on.

It's the little things that make me know how much love is in this show, you know? It's listening to the season 3 finale and hearing the sound of the screeches and going "wait, are Dimitri and Mallory on the Green Line?" moments before Mallory says it. It's the one time I recognized the voice of someone being interviewed. It's Nichole saying she's going to get Pinocchio's, the pizza place I usually get pizza from when I decide to be fancier than Bertucci's. It's knowing that's the same pizza place that makes me feel fuzzy inside.

When Covid hit and I had to leave, I listened to Greater Boston just to hear the sounds of the T.

I never listen to an episode in one place. I never listen in one sitting, especially not one as long as this. I walk around my little bubble of Cambridge to go to work, to get lunch, to go out, and I hear the stories and they tug at my heart. I listened to the train. Smash as I arrived in Kendall. Oh, the timing wasn't that perfect; we could only dream of such things. But last sequence riding from Park Street to Kendall. I didn't plan on it; I was just coming back from seeing a movie with a friend. It meant something, though. Dancing as I stepped on the the T. Smash as I stepped off. It wasn't quite perfectly timed, but what in life ever is?

Greater Boston is about magic. Literally, in some cases, but so much more than that. It's that Bernie can always deliver a letter, no matter where it needs to go. It's that Louisa can figure out that narrative quirk and use it in the narrative. It's that Michael can understand every person he wrote a letter to and write them beautifully, even when he was starving. It's that Dimitri is always lucky to be in the right place at the right time (except the one time he wasn't). It's that Nika is always unlucky to be in the wrong place at the wrong time (except the one time she wasn't). It's Gemma, who never believed in herself but had to find the man she met and summoned and saved. It's... god, I'll be here all night if you let me. Greater Boston has some of the best character writing I've ever heard.

It's Leon. Oh, it's Leon. He willed himself to die and willed himself to live on. He snarked at an omniscient being and took over his job. He shouldn't have. He should have. He made so many mistakes. He made no mistakes. He cared, he loved, he fought, he won. He became the spirit of Boston itself; he touched every heart in the city just in a desperate desire to help. Not just his friends, not just his loved ones. He took a man everyone would have given up on and helped.

An incredible season. Thank you, @greaterblogston. Cheers to a phenomenal season.

also, just to ruin the mood a bit, there was an amogus on the tracks

[monstaxdirtywonk]

Heaven is a place in hell with you pt. 7

Member: San as Hades X Persephone reader

Synopsis: It's based on the myth but I've done some changes to fit my narrative

Genre: Fluff, Angst, eventual smut

You thought about it, you really did. What was left for you to do at last was to explain to Nefeli that you were gonna leave. You'd miss her so much but you felt like there was no other way. Artemis wouldn't wanna see you after you chose Hades over her, and you wouldn't be allowed to join the fellow nymphs again. But just like biological kids make their own decisions on how to navigate life, you wanted to do the same. You'd come back and talk to her eventually. But currently your foggy brain was full of his thoughts, and you couldn't make a plan on anything other than to meet him. You heard a knock at the door and concealed your little bag that you were preparing.

"Yes?"

"It's me" Nefeli said. You'd recognize her lovely voice anytime, anywhere.

"Come in". You answered and here she was in all her glory.

"Please take a seat" you gestured.

"Why are you making your bag?" She squinted her eyes suspiciously although she probably knew already what you were up to. Sometimes you were too similar for your own good.

You sighed. She wouldn't approve of your choice and you knew. It was beyond logic but isn't love irrational by default? It makes us care and cherish someone more than we should and that person has so much power over us but we allow them to do that because we trust them that they won't break our hearts.

"I wanna leave"

"I figured that out. I think I know where you want to go too but I wanna hear it from you first"

You turned around and nodded.

"I'll go to Hades". You said and flinched a bit because you were waiting for her to start scolding you till the end of time.

Nefeli just sighed. She didn't have the tough love part activated today it seems like.

"You know that you don't know him long enough for such a big decision, right?"

"I do. I also know that there's no coming back because Artemis won't allow me back in ever again. But at the same time I feel like I can't even breath properly when I'm not around him. Sometimes I think to myself, how did I do that before meeting him? I was so lucky to not have found someone to make me feel such intense emotions. Due to my love, my heart is fragile and easy to break. I give up so much power for him to use, even my vulnerable self can't make peace with that thought, but I'd rather have him break my heart than not have him at all. Even a heartbreak would be less painful by his own hand".

Silence was all you could hear in the room. That uncomfortable one which occur when you dropped a bomb of words. Nefeli couldn't stop you from living the life that you wanted, but at the same time she was overly worried for you.

"No matter what happens, with Artemis or Hades, know that I will be here for you. Where I am, you'll always find a home, a sister, comfort. I don't want you to think that you're alone. I'd say I'd help you as much as I can but I'd rather say I'm gonna help you as much as you want. Even if it's not possible, I'll make it that".

Tears were running down your cheeks, you felt a sense of relief because she was right, you felt alone after thinking of the terrible scenario of Hades and you not working out.

"Thank you. The first chance I'll get I'm gonna come and see you" you said and went for a hug that she gladly returned.

"When are you gonna leave?" She asked and looked around the room for something you might forgot.

"At dawn. I wanna be as discreet as possible after all"

"Hold on, I'm gonna bring something for you"

You felt slightly confused as to what that might be but kept on folding your dresses. You didn't have many but they were kept in great condition as you took care of them.

"Here". She said, out of breath slightly because she was running.

"You didn't have to run to your house" you said, making her take a seat again.

"I was too excited to bring it to you"she answered

You opened the box, two little pearls sat inside the jewelry holder.

"Those are for me?"

Nefeli nodded.

"Brides take a dowry usually and that won't be too much for Hades but it's gonna do."

You laughed at her light hearted humor. You thought to yourself that she was so sweet to give away a pair of the few earrings she owns.

"It's not anything high end but I'm sure you'll look lovely in them".

You smiled at her.

"Well since you gave them to me they are precious to me"

"Don't be so cheesy for once" She looked at you disapprovingly.

"Hehe sorry" you said and went for a hug again. You wanted as many as you could before your departure.

"I trust you. Have faith in yourself too"

You nodded and hugged her once again.

~~~~~~~~~~

Time seemed to be even more endless than it usually is for Hades. He didn't need a method to calculate time here, because such constructions that humans used to measure the day, weren't needed in the after life, but he knew for a fact that he couldn't wait to see you again. Longing for someone makes time to pass slowly, but when you're together, you simply can't get enough.

He also had his doubts. You told Thanatos that you'd come here to talk, but you didn't say you'd stay. Maybe you'd come to reject him but at least he'd be able to see you for one last time. The power a little mortal girl held over such a powerful God would have to be laughable at least. But he didn't even consider all that because he didn't view you as such, you were his equal, someone he wanted to keep by his side and shower with love.

While he was lost in his thoughts he heard sounds coming from the portal area and quickly rushed to check what was going on. There, he could see you throwing rocks in the lake in order to be noticed by him. You looked absolutely adorable and his dimples finally showed up after weeks of being hidden in his cheeks. Oh the delight he felt now that you'd finally meet.

When the stairs opened, you ran down the stairs as fast as you could, which lead to you not so gracefully almost falling to the floor, if it wasn't for Hades' fast reflex. He got to you before you embarrassed yourself and you were beyond grateful for that.

He smiled at you and you felt your heart bursting. Is this how love should feel like? An endearingly annoying feeling, a mixture of anxiety and tranquility you'd say.

"I got you this time but don't run like a maniac next time, okay?"

Your grasp on him tightened and you spoke.

"There'd be no next time though".

Hades' eyebrows furrowed. If he had s heart, it'd be beating like crazy by now. Here it is. You arrived to tell him that you won't come back again to him. But why would you run to say that and why would you not let him go? Maybe you wanted to make the most out of that last encounter you two shared.

"No next time?" Hades asked as he gently pushed your jaw upwards because this conversation needed you two to look at one another.

"Yes. I took my decision and I'm gonna stay with you. "

It was comical how fast his expression changed from worried to cheerful, you couldn't help but laugh.

He lifted you up and started swirling around, almost making you dizzy, from love mostly, but his movements might have played a role there too.

"Let me gooooo...I haven't touched the floor since I arrived".

"I'm scared you might leave if I'll do that".

"Never! You'll grow sick of me, don't worry" you smiled, looking at him in the most gentle and loving way anyone has looked his way. He was receiving the most love he's ever experienced by a single glance.

"We're gonna see about that". He laughed again, forming little lines around his eyes.

"Can I get a kiss?" You asked, surprisingly bold for your standards. But you were dreaming of that moment for so long, it was your consistent daydream and the theme of your night dreams too.

You saw those dimples again you've grown to love so much, you definitely gotta kiss those too one day.

Hades came closer, his hands were placed at the back of your waist, always gentle and respectful towards you. You placed yours against his chest, feeling the muscle underneath his clothes, making those butterflies in your stomach activate again. His face moved closer but you didn't panic, despite this being your first kiss, it felt safe and non judgmental. His lips danced slowly against yours, and you followed along. It felt like home, like a sunny day during May, like a summer night by the sea. A simple, intimate act that made time stop, something so casual and small, that held so much value to you.

"Welcome home, my love".

[ambonexus]

As requested by my Bestie™️, here is my Sayaka Maizono hate post (/silly) (I don't hate her) (I'm just not fond of her).

I wanna say firstly that I don't harbour any distaste for people who like her character, and I don't want anyone to feel like they're wrong for liking her either. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions about things. That includes people liking something (or someone) that I don't.

I have a lot of reasons for not liking Sayaka's character and writing, the first of which being her overall personality. Being that she's the Ultimate Pop Star Idol, it makes sense that she would feel a little fake and procured. Idols have to keep appearances when interacting with parasocials, so her being smiley and generally soft isn't bizarre. However, the way she's written irritates me a lot.

She's overly talkative. An example would be the first time everyone gathers in the dining hall to share their investigative findings. She admits that she's been talking a lot, and that since Makoto and her have already spent a lot of time together, she'd let the others talk for a while. However, Immediately after saying that, she continues to talk for the entirety of the meeting via the Reaction function and her own personal commentary. It's unnecessary filler.

One of the most prominent and memorable things about Sayaka's personality is her repeated use of the "I'm psychic!" joke. While it's used at the very end of Chapter 1 for a final punch to the gut, it seems like that's all it's used for in the end. Plus, it feels ill fitting for someone like her to make a joke like that. I would expect such a joke to come from Celeste as a sort of mind game, or even Kyoko if she was in a good mood, not Sayaka. Double plus, there's no explanation for where the joke even comes from. Is it an inside joke she formed with a friend/bandmate? Is it a reference to something that happened during her career? Is she just a quirky popular girl with blue hair and pronouns?

Another thing I dislike about Sayaka is just how much the game seems to force her and Makoto to be compatible. While it was annoying at first for the game to use her to hold your hand and pit her at every narrative corner, the joke about Makoto getting a hard on while he's trying to comfort Sayaka was the final straw.

Sayaka and Makoto's interactions felt uncomfortable to sit through the entire time because their romance feels manufactured. What a coincidence that Sayaka has had her eyes on Makoto for several years, ever since she saw him help a bird?? You couldn't have come up with anything more genuinely compelling? And we learn that bit of information because the game forces you to participate in her free time event, therefore manufacturing your interest in her. (Not to mention this is a parasocial relationship from the very get go, which in a lot of cases can get uncomfortable very quickly for both parties.)

Something that I do want to talk about is Sayaka's murder attempt and death. While her attempt to frame Makoto for murder is a common reason for people to dislike Sayaka, I actually find it to be a likable part of her character. I reblogged a post some time ago talking about how Sayaka trying to graduate was an example of a good person doing a bad thing, and I still agree with that opinion. If put in any other situation, Sayaka wouldn't have created a plan to kill someone and get away with it via framing. However, because of her distress and desperation to leave the school, she played right into Junko's hands and started the killings.

All in all, I don't hate Sayaka because she was psychologically manipulated and motivated to take a life; I dislike her because she's a stereotypically upbeat popular school girl idol who has unprecedented romantic tension with the stereotypically talentless yet lucky male protagonist. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

[mrpenguinpants]

YOU POSTED A THING! Ignore how long it took me to write this up, I've been,,, honestly? I've not been doing things, I've also not been doing this, but-

So the two plots stolen from Genshin is the Chenyu Vale story quest, and I've forgotten the second one, oops- I thiiiink it's kinda like the Mondstadt festival (the one where u have to pick that fuckin flower and it didn't matter abracafuckyou /lh)

LOOKING AT MY THINGS THERE WERE MORE okay hold on-

So the concept of the campaign is every character is a fallen god who's forgotten their divine life, and they regain a shred of their memory and now must find a way to ascend due to the fact that only Whole Mortals can reincarnate/be reborn, but if you die as a mortal-body divine-soul That's It (yadda yadda, non-dnd approved type shit; there are actually multiple ways they could go about it but I have no idea what they'll do beyond revive the sun) - One player didn't do that, but it's fine, he is instead POSESSED by a goddess, it's chill, and I adore his backstory and he's the only one with a backstory tightly interwoven with the world's lore and local area the campaign takes place in he is THE ONLY MAN WHO MATTERS T O M E (/j)

The Genshin Quests that I have plots for bc I stole them are as follows; Natzissenkreuz Ordo, Chenyu Vale, and the Windblume Festival. I won't get into it rn so you don't have to tag this ask as spoilers (unless... thinking emoji) BUT oooOOOOooOoOOo you wanna hear abt my dnd So Bad sdfsdfsdfg (I just wanna talk abt it SO BAD bc we're on a month hiatus bc one player's in the middle of bumfuck nowhere for a while)

I ALSO HAVE A ONESHOT PLANNED FOLLOWING/INSPIRED BY THIS YEAR'S SUMMER EVENT IN GENSHIN! I'm planning on running it at two tables (different groups) and potentially even a third when I get to sorting it out, ASK ME ABOUT IT PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE asdfgh

DND ASIDE- I recently found out one of my irls plays Genshin and I've been talking to him about it and honestly??? very nice, very fun (very demure /j) asdfgh I got into genshin to play w/ some other irls but now I am the last,,, genshin player standing,,,, and we're gonna help eachother farm when Natlan comes out bc I love running domains >:3 I'm a lil domain fiend

-Lucky

Ignore the fact that I'm responding backwards. But the pressure did work 👀 now I just need it to happen again because I blinked, and a month rolled around. I thought it was at most a week but no, my sense of time is fucked.

I'm so bad at names, and I barely do the story in any game I play unless I'm forced to (I missed an event in ZZZ because I wasn't on the third chapter yet ;-;). So I don't remember if I've done, seen, or even heard of the Chenyu Vale story, but I do know Mondstadt, at least.

I love it when my friends actually get invested enough with my imagination/ideas that they actually tie things into the ever-working narrative ;u; sometimes I feel like people don't do it because (they don't fucking care lol) they don't want to overstep on something that's made up by you. I understand, but man, it feels so uplifting when it happens. Keep that man alive. Are you planning on revealing parts of their divine life as the campaign goes on? I remember watching this youtube short about DND where they basically say that each player is given a blank sheet, and as they progress through the story they learn more things about their characters based on outside reactions.

I only know Windblume Festival but if it's a required quest/event quest, then I've most likely played the others. But yess, feel absolutely free to dump all your DND lore since I know you can't say it to your players unless you reveal too much. I'll tag spoilers in case you want to get more specific with the genshin quests because I do not remember any of them.

Here is your spotlight Lucky, lay it on me. What is this summer event-inspired oneshot?

I was talking to an old anon on another blog and it kinda makes me sad how the genshin community died out. Not in the sense that there's no fandom there, but that old players have either quit or lost interest. It makes me wonder if I even like genshin or if I write it because it's what I've been doing for so long.

[avonsdrabbles]

Hi! I seem to have rambled on to your blog

Weird question! How did you get into (if you ever did) examining and taking apart literature?

For us it's Merlin BBC cuz nothing new has come out for it in over a decade. It's 5 seasons long but at some point you just run out of content but yk, still wanting to talk about it we started drawing on narrative themes picking apart and inspecting the dialogue to figure out each character's intention. I'm glad to say it held up really well

& we're asking people whom have interacted with the degree that forces literature upon you how they started cuz it's interesting

On ask? On my main? It's more likely than you'd think--

Anyways, hi, love the snakes, love the planet, love the ask! It's unsurprisingly a little complicated for me, so bear with me.

I knew I liked English in middle school, but that wasn't dissecting text, that was writing. But that's where a love for language formed, and I started writing more and more. Back then, tho, I HATED dissecting literature, because it felt so pointless. "What did the author mean by this?" I don't know, I can't ask them, Margie! Ugh.

But then, I had the worst English teacher in my entire life in high school. She was, simply put, batshit. She rambled on and on about how fairies were going to take her soul and stole kids things, how cameras were the work of the devil and could also take your soul, how English would heal people's souls...

Really obsessed with souls ngl. Bit weird.

Anyways -- she was god awful. And she changed the curriculum multiple times so we could read what she wanted. The year I was supposed to read Romeo and Juliet, we read Midsummer Nights Dream instead. And by god, everything this woman said pissed me the fuck off. SHE FOCUSED ON THE IMABS? IMABIC PENTAMETERS???? I'm sorry, woman, can we discuss the puns here?! Can we discuss the authorial context of Shakespeare making this play within a play something commoners could enjoy while mocking nobility and the scandals at play, while (sorry, foaming at the mouth in rage and lust over literature).

Needless to say, I dove straight in. I'm one of the lucky ones who could understand Shakespeare without trying. It didn't take any energy on my part to parse the iambs, and I found a lot of beauty in the poetic nature of it all.

The next year, I was ready to fight, but I promptly had the best English teacher of my entire life, the one who taught me more about teaching than anyone else, and who I cite as the reason I became an English teacher. And she really fucking opened my eyes to the intricacies of subjectiveness in English. See, I'm a very stubborn person, and I'm very my-way-or-the-highway. I used to be very mathmatically inclined because there's only one right answer. Sure, you can get that answer a lot of different ways, but only one thing is right. English frustrated me because it seemed like I could say any fucking bullshit and have someone nod and say "Profound."

This is the teacher that taught me that's a feature, not a bug.

Through a little something called Waiting For Godot.

It is, by far, the worst play I've read. It's also my favorite. What sort of 10th grader gets to read an analysis of God that features pet play BDSM? THIS one. (This was also outside of the standard curriculum, but it was the end of the year, so all bets were off I guess).

This was the play where we dove in, read it, and without any discussion of the play, had to write an essay about the theme the author was presenting. All of us felt so lost. The symbolism didn't make any sense. There seemed to be no theme, beyond maybe "Waiting for someone who will never come is painful."

And then, the day before we had to write the essay... We had a substitute, following her lesson plans, and he was one of my favorite SEIAs (special ed instructional assistants). He was the exact same level of batshit as I am.

He SLAMMED his hand on the whiteboard, stared at us as we looked back in shock, and screamed, "ABORTION." He then went into a 40 minute diatribe about how the author of the text was very clearly explaining pro-life VS pro-choice mentality, leaning pro-life, but conversely making a pro-choice argument through the use of the discussion of Christian free will. He used sources. He used text evidence. By the end of the talk, all of us were nodding, clapping, acknowledging that he HAD to be correct!

And he stopped, stared at us, and laughed. "That was all bullshit."

He'd pulled it all out of his ass. And it made perfect sense to us all.

That's when I figured out that literature is what YOU make of it. Literature is all about interpretation; sure, there's tropes to follow that help guide our interpretations, but at the end of the day, words mean whatever you think they mean.

THAT'S what got me into lit analysis.

(And, oddly, homestuck)

[lesbxdyke]

So today I got two new comments on fics of mine.

(related but neither of the fics listed have anything to do with sex of any type)

This is to do with something I've spoken about before.

Quite a few years ago at this point, I wrote a Clexa fic. Other than my novel, it remains the longest thing I ever finished. It was a story about abuse, about recovering from it. And I wrote it because I was struggling to come to terms with my own abusive relationship. It is, in my opinion, not my best written piece, in terms of technical skill, but it is one of my pieces most full of bits of my Soul. Because (as I often made the point of saying in the notes) it was a greatly greatly GREATLY scaled up version of what I had experienced to help me process through what had happened to me.

I made a decision in my writing to have the proxy character forgive the people that hurt her. Because, at the time, that had been what I was aiming for. I was aiming for forgiveness, because I believed that would help me move on. (I've long since changed track on that point, but as I said, this fic was quite a few years old)

I had always planned for, in the next chapter, there to be some violent revenge. Because I understand narrative payoff, and because part of ME still wanted that revenge.

But people didn't want to understand cliffhangers. And went on the attack. I was called a rape apologist, I was told I must have deserved what happened to me, I was told all manner of triggering things. I didn't want to finish after that. Luckily, I was able to see my therapist, who encouraged me to finish because writing it had become an important part of my healing. So I did.

And now, so many years later, someone has decided that it's not okay that I've moved on with my life, and has decided to try and decimate my self esteem a second time. And they almost did, Honestly. Because these messages came on the back of a family emergency and on the morning of some medical tests I was needing. Exactly the worst time, right?

I'm lucky, I guess, because I have people on side who have spent most of the day sending me messages of support.

I know that what this person wants is for me to stop writing. And they nearly got their wish. This morning, I was ready to never touch my keyboard again. But fuck them. Fuck EVERYONE that said those horrible things to me. I will keep writing, because I love doing it. And I will not let you make me afraid to get messages from AO3. Not again.

If you're following me and you think it's okay to leave comments like this for people because you disagree with what they've written or how they've written it, block me. Right the fuck now.

(also I've deleted both of these reviews. I don't need that shit staining my fics)

[cosmic-cd]

rotating hazel and leon in my mind again....... but also thinking about hop!!!! (i'm playing SV with him in mind as the protagonist- so some spoilery-ish thoughts on the DLC will be below the cut! i am NOT finished with the DLC, so please, no Indigo Disk spoilers!)

so i'm rotating how i want Hazel's Paldea run to pan out

the focus really ends up being on Hop, because he's the protagonist, but i'm still trying to settle on how much attention i want to put on hazel (and leon) too

i think the way i'm gonna bridge it though is in a few ways-

i already decided i want to come up with a reason to give Miraidon to Hazel, and blend scarlet and violet into a single story for convenience reasons- while i COULD just choose the version i canonically played, i think it makes more sense here to play with the time travel aspect and combine both into one narrative (i.e. both box legendaries, both professors, etc.)

additionally, Sonia is gonna be present (and honestly, i should write her in more so she's not just a background character) and Hop is also still assisting her while she investigates the Terastal phenomenon here in Paldea- which gives Hazel and Leon an excuse to be around as they also help and look into things too

It's a little easier to include them in the main story because Hazel's going to be tackling the gym challenge for the badges (and Leon's also challenging the gyms because he's super interested in getting to battle La Primera herself) while the two of them are assisting teaching at the school (Hazel's working under Hassel as an assistant, and Leon's doing a few different classes but it's primarily Battle Theory with Dendra) they're still chaperoning for Hop, and also suddenly chaperoning for these weird kids Hop keeps befriending, too

(Nemona really wants to battle Leon, Leon's older brother instincts kick in with Arven, Hazel really understands Penny's anxiety, etc)

but the DLC on the other hand...... difficult. i haven't gotten far enough in the Indigo Disk yet to know what the hell is going on with Briar, but i'm thinkiiiing Hazel and Leon would probably be a little put off by her, and the academy, and would probably be doing their own digging while Hop's off learning.. (i imagine blueberry academy itself probably isn't nefarious by any means but i don't know that yet LOL;;;)

that said, on Hop's end, i'm loving imagining him as the protagonist because it??? honestly really works??? going to an academy to work on his education towards eventually becoming a pokemon professor (i'd imagine he'd be on a more accelerated/specialized track)

but uh. also. also the DLC. good lord. with poor Hop in mind, Kieran takes on a wholly different vibe..... imagine going through a difficult arc in your life, being able to get through it with support, and then going on a grand adventure only to meet someone who might as well be you if you took losing a LITTLE too hard....

Hop's still figuring himself out. He's young, he knows what he wants to be but not exactly what he wants to do, and now it's tough because he went through something so similar to Kieran, but between Ogerpon, Carmine and everything else, I can get the sense it'd be tough for him, especially since this is a new friend and he's. kind of on the other side of things now, where he's been considerably lucky, not unlike how Gloria was

but uh!!!!! i need to think about it some more, honestly! i always phrase these rambles as if i'm actively planning on writing it out as a fanfic but it's more me sorting it out in my head LOL;;; i write a little, it's unlikely that i'll end up releasing something (though not impossible, but usually if i write stuff i'll send it to friends and that's about it)

i gotta finish the DLC though, i want to get to what i have heard is a Very Silly epilogue

EDIT: OH YEAH ALSO HAZEL IS PSYCHED TO BE BACK IN UNOVA AGAIN. briefly disappointed they're not on mainland but it's fine because she can now order pizza anytime she wants and she SORELY missed castelia style deep dish pizza.

also if i can help it i still gotta figure out how to throw camila in for either a cameo or joining for the last part of the DLC............

[beej-hunnicutt]

The ending of m(two) is so interesting to me because Vito's continuous selfishness is part of the reason he is left with the unknown fate of Joe. Now, I am not doubting that Vito cares about Joe; aside from Leo that was the one person he continously looked out for. But it has never been equal. Joe had given Vito EVERYTHING. Vito never even tried to live the "normal life", he faced the real world at the Dock and gave up after the FIRST crate he had to carry and he used Joe's name to move him up in the world.

Joe had ALWAYS included Vito in everything he was doing. Joe even tried to keep up on the news when Vito was in war to make sure things were going okay for him. Time after time again you can tell his plans were made with the idea of Vito apart of them.

When is came to the final Leo and Vito talk to the Planetarium; it was never a question of "what about Joe?" It was only in this moment and what Vito had to do about issue. We found out Joe refused to kill Vito even though he would have been given everything he ever dreamed of. He threw away his dream because it wouldn't be worth it if he had to get rid of Vito. Vito never ONCE made sure to check on Joe's safety. Never tried to include him or stick his neck out for him. The one person the narrative had established he cared for a lot, be never ever thought about how to make sure Joe was also taken care for.

Now I don't hate Leo. I actually like him. I don't believe Leo ever had a reason to lie to Vito. I believe Leo liked Vito, saw something in him. I think if Vito mentioned Joe, there could have been a conversation. Not saying it'd necessarily fix anything but maybe some context, something. Because I do think it's important to remember Vito IS being punished still. Vito DID do bad in terms of their code; but he was lucky to have Leo looking out. So Vito still needed to be held accountable for what he has done, but maybe he could have gotten a little more closure.

But also, going to a different thing, kinda with Vito and how he handles things. Vito could have moved on; but he didn't. He decided to grow old and alone and act like he had the worst life. When that just isn't true at all. Vito was given nearly every opportunity he had ever gotten in the events of the game. I'm not saying he's bad at what he does, Leo saw something in him. But Vito doesn't try to succeed. Idk. I think it's utterly fascinating Vito deciding to say woe is me and say the world had never treated him well and let things stay and end like that. That's why I utterly LOVE his "I deserved better" speech when he's killed in m(three). Now I haven't seen this in awhile, so it's just the faint memory so I won't speak too much. But that line alone makes my brain just implode!!!! It's so good and it I think truly wraps up Vito as a character!!!

[andnowanowl]

Since "Palestine Speaks: Narratives of Life Under Occupation" is suspiciously not available in the US in the form of an e-book, I purchased a physical copy and wanted to share it here for anyone else also unable to get access.

ABEER AYYOUB

Journalist, 26

Born in Gaza City, Gaza

Interviewed in Gaza City, Gaza

In the spring of 2013, we manage to travel to Gaza after navigating a maze of bureaucracy with both the Egyptian government and Gaza's ruling party, Hamas. Inside the tightly sealed borders of Gaza, our guide and translator is a young journalist named Abeer Ayyoub. Through our conversations, we soon realize Abeer possesses an interesting perspective on life in Gaza. And though journalists generally avoid interviewing other journalists for stories, the more we get to know Abeer, the more we know her narrative is a valuable one to share with our readers.

During our time with Abeer, she is constantly on her phone or tablet. Like many full-time journalists, she compulsively checks her e mail, keeps track of social media, and plans meetings throughout the day. But her real weakness is Instagram. If she's not using her devices for work, she's taking pictures of what she's doing. Sitting at a café: picture. Walking down the street: picture. At the corner store: picture. Nothing is too banal to make her Instagram feed, but it makes for a thorough view of life for a young working woman in Gaza.

As part of Gaza's small middle class, Abeer has better access than other Gazans to resources that are hard to come by in the midst of the blockade that Israel has implemented since 2007. She also has access to small comforts that make her going to Jordan, the envy of her peers. "My friend from the American consulate was and he asked me if I wanted him to bring me back anything," she tells us. "And I said, 'As many lip glosses as you can carry.' I'm usually out on the streets looking for stories for ten hours a day, and I need three things in my bag a notebook, a pen, and lip gloss."

GAZA WAS LIKE A HOLLYWOOD MOVIE

Oh, well, of course it was just lovely growing up in Gaza. It was like a Hollywood movie. But not a romance or comedy more like an action movie. I've witnessed two Intifadas, two military offensives, one Hamas coup.¹ Still, the more trouble I've witnessed, the more I've felt lucky to survive, and to be alive.

I was born in Gaza City the year the First Intifada started, in 1987². By the time I started school, I'd already become used to the sight of Israeli soldiers patrolling the streets every morning. I used to be really scared of them - my grandma would warn me that I shouldn't talk to them. In school, we'd teach each other tips about dealing with the soldiers. For example when you see an Israeli jeep, don't run, 'cause the soldiers will think you're doing something bad. But we were naïve as children, and I didn't think too much about who the soldiers were or why they were around. I only knew there were strange people with green uniforms everywhere. And I wondered, All of the soldiers have guns, but nobody else I see ever does. Who do they need to protect themselves against with guns if everyone else only has rocks as weapons? But I didn't understand the occupation at all. It just wasn't something my family talked about when I was growing up.

I grew up feeling like a typical Gazan. I have four brothers and five sisters. I'm number eight out of ten kids. My dad had a good income when I was young - he ran a metalworking business. But because there were ten children, it cost him a lot to send us all to school. So even though my family was relatively well off, my childhood seemed typical. I got the things I needed, but not all the things I wanted. We'd get new clothes for school, but not whatever we asked for or anything like that. Like most people in the community, we'd go to shop when the school year started, and then shop around Eid Al-Fitr, the feast after Ramadan, and then Eid Al-Adha.³

We lived on a street that was made up entirely of my family. My dad had one house for his family, and he had four brothers with their own houses on the block. So between my siblings and my cousins, I spent my whole childhood playing with family. As boys and girls, we'd play soccer together in the street, go to school together, then come home together. We had a few neighbor kids nearby who would come play with us as well.

My mother was a normal housewife in many ways. She worked very hard and tried to give all of us kids the attention we wanted. I remember when it was time to do homework, she'd try to help us all. Of course, she couldn't spend much time with any one of us! I still remember her teaching me how to write my first words, though, in Arabic and in English. She didn't know English herself, but she'd memorize my English lessons and try to help me understand them. I remember her reciting the days of the week in English, so that I'd learn, even if that's all she knew.

The Second Intifada started in 2000, when I was twelve or thirteen. I saw a lot of shooting and violence - there were direct clashes around the Israeli settlements.⁴ And I used to go to school some days and not other days because of what was happening out in the streets. Young people from schools around the area, they used to come and get us out to the participate in the clashes. It was violent all the time. Mostly, we just tried to stay safe. A lot of days, we'd leave school early because there were often clashes at the end of the school day. If we slipped out before the day ended, we might not have to walk home through tear gas.

During the time of the Second Intifada, I was a teenager, and back then I was the stereotypical stupid girl who wanted to get married at the age of sixteen. I'd never dream of having male friends I might just hang out with alone.

The separation of boys and girls was actually something that surprised me at first, but I got used to it quickly. Some of the neighbor boys I used to play soccer with every day suddenly stopped talking to me around the time I turned fifteen, and my brothers and cousins told me I should just pretend I didn't know them. This was the culture - these boys I'd played with for ten years every day were suddenly strangers to me, since they weren't related and I was a young woman. It was disappointing, but I got used to believing that wearing a hijab was something important, that I had to hide myself from men.⁵

My dad always told me that I was the most clever of his children, and I got great grades. But I never had any examples of women who went on to have impressive careers, and nobody ever encouraged me to think in those terms. But I studied very hard. Honestly, I didn't think I was very pretty and I thought I'd have a hard time finding a husband. I thought I'd prove I was special instead by getting good grades and a very high grade on the college qualifying exams. And I did. My parents were so impressed

by my score, they told me that they'd support me in going to any school and in any field I chose. I was studying for the exams in 2005, and that was a big year in Gaza as well. It was the year Israeli soldiers left Gaza. That felt like a real achievement.⁶

The next year, I started at Islamic University of Gaza here in Gaza City.⁷ I wasn't happy about religious control of the university, but it had a curriculum in English literature that I wanted to study, and it was impossible to attend a university at the time that wasn't under Islamist control if you lived in Gaza. I'd been studying English through school, and I wanted to keep that up. I thought it might be a good way to get a job doing something important after school.

So I spent my first year at university studying English literature. Then, in 2006, Hamas captured Gilad Shalit, and Gaza became a different place.⁸ Israel began cracking down, and we had less money and less freedom. Because we didn't have as much money coming into our household, my dad wanted to pull us out of school. My mom is fond of gold and accessories, but she got all of her jewelry together and sold it all to pay for our college fees. So she's the reason I could continue my education. In many ways, it was my mom who made me what I am today.

I WOULD WAKE UP AND SCREAM, "I JUST NEED TO SLEEP!"

In my second year at university, I took a course where the teacher asked us to do a research project on people working with English-language skills. I hit on the topic of news editing. I don't remember the reason. I just wanted something to write about so I could hand in a paper. But when I started searching, I found so many books on the subject, and they were really interesting.

Then as part of the project I interviewed a journalist here in Gaza - his name was Saud Abu Ramadan. He was a freelancer, and he wrote for newspapers all over the world. Our interview was really lovely, and he told me he'd be happy to mentor me as a journalist if I wanted. I accepted. Here in the media world, there are so many creeps who expect something from a girl. I've met so many men who will be like, "I'll teach you about journalism, but you have to do something for me." Bad stuff. But Saud wasn't like that, and through his office I also met a journalist named Fares Akram, who was a journalist and also a research consultant for Human Rights Watch.⁹ They were both professional, and I learned a lot working with them. I started training with them once a week until I figured out it was exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a journalist.

I was still a student when Israel sent soldiers into Gaza in 2008.¹⁰ Because of the bombing, I was shut in at home for twenty-two days with my extended family. There were more than thirty of us in a single apartment, and we'd have breakfast, lunch, and dinner together - being together made us all feel a little safer. There was no electricity at all during that time. It was very cold, and we spent many hours huddled up under blankets. We cooked our food on an open fire and we had a little tank of propane gas to cook with as well, but we were trying to conserve the gas as long as possible. Nobody was selling things out in the open in Gaza during that time. During the days, some of my brothers would sneak out and head to secret black markets they knew about for some basic supplies. I spent most days listening to news on a battery-powered radio. I was trying to understand the situation as a journalist. What is really happening? What's the real story? How are journalists trying to cover these stories? As scared as I was, I felt like that time was a kind of training for me.

There were air strikes day and night. We were all especially scared at night, when we were trying to sleep. I remember falling asleep for a couple of minutes, then hearing the bombs start to fall. I would wake up and scream, "I just need to sleep!" By the final days of the campaign, we were all crying because we wanted to sleep so badly. We learned to distinguish two types of noise - the zzzz of drones passing overhead, and the whoosh of F-16s coming in for air strikes.

The sound of drones was annoying, but hearing the whoosh of F-16s was frightening, because it meant bombing was about to start. My nephews, who were just infants at the time, they learned to tell drones apart from planes. Nowadays, they don't even wake up for drones. We were never hit, though we did have windows broken on our building from nearby strikes. The windows on an apartment above ours came down. Nobody was injured, but I still remember the sound of the bomb falling - schhhhh.

I became paranoid after so many days of bombing. I used to to think, My house will never be targeted because we have no one engaged in military work. But it could be for any reason - a militant passing by in a car. Maybe someone in one of the empty fields by our building - the bombers used to target empty fields because militants might use them for launching rockets.

Then, after three weeks, there was a cease-fire. I went back to the university the day after the cease-fire, even though it was still dangerous. When I saw the campus, I cried. It had been demolished. In many ways I hated that school - I didn't like the strict religious element - but the devastation made me cry. The school made many repairs over the next month, just fixing broken windows and making sure standing buildings were safe enough. And then all of us students went back to classes, even in buildings where the roofs were still broken. I was in school another year before I graduated, in 2010.

For the next year I worked as a fixer - someone who helped journalists make contacts in Gaza, set up interviews, that sort of thing. I was actively learning about journalism, meeting a lot of journalists. It was a good apprenticeship.

I WAS NAÏVE AND ANSWERED ALL THE QUESTIONS THEY WERE ASKING

I had my first big exposure to how the media world works in Gaza in January 2011. I was going to take part in a solidarity gathering with the Egyptian revolution." I was also going to meet one of my mentors, Fares Akram, who was going to cover the story. There were about twenty-six of us at the demonstration. But really, as soon as everyone showed up, the Hamas police force was already there preparing to shut it down. I think Hamas was afraid of protest movements in the Middle East spreading to Gaza and challenging their authority.

Just as I arrived at the scene, I got a call from Fares, who told me the demonstration was off, and he told me where to go to find his car so he could give me a ride home. I went and got into his car, and then a Hamas policeman walked up and said, "Your identity cards, please." Fares gave his identity card to them.

But while this was happening, some female police officers were attacking some of the female protesters. One of the protesters wasn't wearing a head scarf, and the female officer pulled her by the hair, slapped her, asked her why she wasn't a real Muslim. I was worried I might get in trouble - Hamas would check to see if men and women riding in cars together were married or related, and if not, there could be an arrest.

The officer at our car was distracted, and so I just stepped out of the car and started walking. After a couple of minutes, I found the policeman following me on his motorcycle. And when I turned around and made eye contact, he pulled up and said, "Your cell phone and your identity card." I started crying like an idiot and gave him the phone and my ID. Then he said, "You can come and retrieve them from the police station."

I followed him to the station. And when I entered, I found four other women from the demonstration. They were acting strong and tough, but I was crying. My family didn't know where I was, and the police refused to give me a phone call. Then they began interrogating me, and I was naïve and answered all the questions they were asking.

I was interrogated by a female officer, and she kept asking me about Fares and what I was doing with him. I was like, "I don't know him. We just met. He's a journalist, but I don't know where he lives." The interrogator said, "He's the brother of so-and-so, we know." And I was like, "Eh, no, he's not." She was trying to outsmart me.

Then the officer started going through my bag, asking me what was in it. She found a prescription drug I was taking for an injured leg, and she wanted to know about that. Then finally she said, "Okay, call your family members to come." And that was the worst moment, because I thought, What should I tell my mom and dad? I called my brother - he has good relations with people from Hamas. And then I signed a paper saying I wouldn't participate in such events later. I went back home to find the story all over the news in Gaza. Everyone was talking about it, because it was the first time that Hamas had arrested women for protesting. It was a big story to see women arrested for activism. They had my full name on the news. I felt like I had made it big!

Then the rumors started. The media had its own spin. Suddenly commentators on the news were like, "Maybe it wasn't a protest, maybe these girls were just immoral and showing off, not even covering their hair," and stuff like that. I cried for a couple of days, because it was a little overwhelming, the whole exposure.

The experience of getting arrested, and then the media spin that maybe we were just prostitutes or something, it was crazy, and I decided to write about it all on a personal blog. So I wrote about this online and then someone from Hamas's Ministry of Information e-mailed me and said, "It's insane what you wrote. It's biased." This guy with the ministry said he would go to the website and start leaving comments if I didn't take down the post - Abeer's not a professional journalist, you shouldn't hire her, and stuff like that. It was my first run-in with Hamas over my writing. It was a little intimidating, but since then I've learned better how to deal with the government.

MY ONLY FEAR WAS ABOUT MAKING DEADLINES

I chose journalism as a career, which is not a very acceptable job for a girl here in Gaza. After I started working, some of my own relatives started to say bad things about me - my uncles and cousins would talk. And they were always pushing on my parents, like, "This is not the way Abeer should be, and everyone's going to talk about her, that she goes around talking with guys alone." Some of my cousins, they'd say things like, "This is the bitch who goes with guys all the way." My parents could have reached a point where they'd say, "Enough. Just stay at home and don't do anything because everyone is talking about you, and we know you are not doing something bad, but it's our reputation at the end of the day." But my family didn't have that reaction. No.

Slowly, my parents began to trust me with travel, with my work. I was getting assignments for web stories for outlets like the Egyptian Independent. Basically, eyes-on-the-ground sorts of stories about what was happening in Gaza. At first, I might get an assignment that would mean I'd have to travel to Rafah crossing, and my parents would be like, "Make sure you have a driver. We're worried."¹² And they didn't want me to leave Gaza City. But the more they saw that I could take care of myself, that nothing happened, the more they trusted me.

I also got some work as a researcher and fixer for Human Rights Watch. For work with HRW, I got a chance to get out of Gaza and go to Jerusalem for the first time in early 2012. I got a pass from Israel to be in Jerusalem for eight days. When I went to Jerusalem, I was sure it was a dream. So I kept waiting for the moment I would wake and find myself in bed. And then an hour passed, two hours, three hours, four hours, and I was slapping my cheek, like I should wake up. Then when the night came, and I slept, and then woke up again and I opened the window and it was Jerusalem - I was sure it wasn't a dream. I went to East Jerusalem, and I was seeing other parts of my homeland for the first time. I had a friend from HRW in Jerusalem, and she took me for a ride. She wouldn't tell me where we were going, but we kept driving up and up. Suddenly, out my window I saw the Dome of the Rock.¹³ I started screaming like an idiot. This was an image that I saw on posters or framed in pictures in every house in Gaza when I was growing up, on all my school notebooks. And here it was, right in front of me.

But being in Jerusalem was a strange experience. One amazing thing was that other Palestinians in Jerusalem were seeing a Gazan for the first time. I remember going into a hotel in East Jerusalem. I wanted to tell everyone I met I was from Gaza, and I talked to the receptionist at the hotel—a Palestinian man. He was shocked. Then he made a dumb joke and asked me if I had any bombs in my pockets or something like that.Then the next day I got to take a bus ride to Ramallah, and I made small talk with a man on the bus who was from Bethlehem. When I told him I was from Gaza, he was as surprised as the receptionist. He said something like, "No way you're from Gaza, you're cute and smart!" The trip out of Gaza was really eye-opening for me.

IT WAS GOOD THAT I STAYED HOME

In 2012, I got a scholarship to go to Sweden for six months. My father wasn't ready for me to travel that far yet. He was worried. So he wouldn't let me go, and I cried for days. But it was good that I stayed home, because it led to one of my first big breaks.

During the first Israeli strike on Gaza, I was still doing my training, so I was reading news all the time. But in the second strike, in November 2012, I was already a professional journalist, so it was a bit different.¹⁴ By this time I was only focusing on how to get news. My only fears were about making deadlines.

I used to go out into the street immediately after the air strike happened. I got used to seeing bodies: corpses lifted out from under the rubble. I would go into the hospital as well.¹⁵ In the hospital, I was always watching the entrance. And cars would speed in so fast after a strike. Everyone outside would scream to back up, to give the arriving passengers more space. And I'd stay in my spot, watching women, and then men, and then children, and then old women - people of all ages and all different backgrounds come in with all sorts of injuries from the air strikes.

And during the strikes I would be outside my home most of the day, and I even slept outside my home. The strike lasted eight days, and then afterward, I thought, I was under the rockets and I didn't even cry. It was the most important phase in my life, because I wrote for the biggest newspapers in the world, and I used to have my voice on international radio. I was turning in reporting for the Guardian in the UK and Al Jazeera. Ha'aretz in Israel hired me, because they weren't legally permitted to send journalists to Gaza to cover the strikes. I thought, This is my real start. And after, I felt like I had all of these experiences to deal with, all of these feelings, but I didn't have time to even think about what I'd seen. It was insane. I felt like I needed a break just to process what happened, but there was no time. I got a lot of new opportunities to cover stories about the aftermath of the strikes, and there was just no chance to get away. I wanted to do something for the Palestinian cause itself, and I wanted to be a journalist, and I knew Gaza was the best place for me to be a journalist. But it was hard to keep working here without a break.

HEY, IT'S NOT ROCKETS ALL OVER GAZA

I'm studying again at the Islamic University of Gaza, where I got my B.A. in English Literature. I'm studying Hebrew because I want to learn a third language besides Arabic and English. There's nothing much I hope to do with Hebrew. I just want to speak the language and listen to Israeli news and Hebrew news, because some of what comes out of Israel is better news, when it comes to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Honestly, you're likely to hear the truth from a few of the good Israeli sources than from Hamas sources. (Blogger's Note: This interview took place a decade ago.) After my work for Ha'aretz, Hamas announced that Gazan journalists would no longer be allowed to work for Israeli media. I contacted them to ask why, and they told me I better just go along with the ban without complaining. I said, "I would understand if you stopped Israeli or American journalists who are totally pro-Israeli. I would understand if you banned them from working here. But I don't understand when you ban me, as a Palestinian who works for Israeli media - which I actually consider a kind of resistance." It was my pleasure just to sit down with a laptop and just write things to the Israeli audience. It was a kind of resistance, addressing the Israeli community and being credible at the same time. I would say exactly what's going on and convince the Israelis of how misled they are about Gaza by most of Israeli media.

But people around the world have the wrong idea about Gaza, not just Israelis. My mission in life is to destroy the stereotypical image about Palestinians in the media, so I keep taking photos of things that people don't think exist in Gaza. This is what I do inmy news, and my reports, and my feature stories. In my Facebook and in my Instagram. So when I take photos, I try to take photos of girls without hijab, or young girls wearing shorts and stuff like that. And the beach. Hundreds, thousands, going to the beach just to swim, thinking of nothing. No fucking occupation, no fucking Hamas, nothing! They just want to have fun. I go to the market, take photos of mannequins with short dresses. And it's something normal to see a young girl with hijab, but I would try to avoid catching photos of her, because Western people in Europe and America, they already know about these people, and they are not my concern. I would rather focus on the type of people Western media never heard about. I also take photos all the time of fancy hotels and fancy restaurants - like hey, it's not rockets all over Gaza. We have cafés, restaurants, clubs, gyms, whatever you can think of.

So this is my main mission. I would love everyone - not only in the U.S. - to know that Gaza is not Afghanistan. We have educated people and people who have nothing to do with the ongoing clashes. They should give themselves the chance to see the picture from outside and stop having this preconception when it comes to Gaza, because we have everything here, and the Western media always intend to prove the preconceptions people have. They would see that for most of the people, they are harmed by what's going on rather than being a part of it.

The thing is that I'm an Arabic-speaking journalist who writes in English, not my mother tongue. If I write in my mother tongue, then I will be addressing Palestinians themselves. And why would I address Palestinians themselves Palestinians know that they were occupied, and they know their rights, they know their duties, they know everything. I'm writing in a second language, so I need to use that, because few international writers come regularly to Gaza. Usually, these people come with a preconception, the preconception of what they hear. And they come to prove what they have in mind, not to rectify it.

Still, being a Gazan journalist is not always easy. Every time I write something sensitive, I keep my phone with me because I'm waiting for someone to call me from the government offices in Gaza. I'm strong enough to face it. Every time I write something sensitive, I read the story ten times because I attribute every controversial quote to someone who actually said it, not anonymous sources, so I won't be accused of making it up. So even though I like to cover daily life in some of my work, I also want to uncover what's really happening in Gaza. I don't think you are doing anything unless you are risking something. I'm not consider myself a real journalist if I'm just covering the openings of new shopping malls in Gaza City.

With time, my relationship with the government has become fine. I have good relations with the government members and ministers and everything. I think they decided, Sure, that Abeer is a journalist who talks a lot, but she never makes up stories. It's true that I write about the but it's true also that I write about the Israeli occupation. There is a big government, difference if you are focusing only on Hamas or on Israel or the Palestinian Authority. I write everything. But it's not my fault if the Hamas government commits five human rights violations in a row and I write about the five violations.

I DO STUFF THAT GIRLS HERE DON'T USUALLY DO

To help cope, I try to live a non-traditional Gaza life as much as that's possible. I wake up in the morning, go to the gym, hang out with friends, spend the night out. Now I'm applying for a swimming class. I do stuff that the girls here don't usually do. I'm learning a third language, just because I want to stay as busy as possible. Also because I don't want to feel the occupation is limiting things I can do. I'm busy 24/7, but that doesn't mean that I'm working 24/7. I have some specific hours of work and specific hours of fun - sport, swimming, hanging out, sleeping. But I never had a time of thinking, I can't do anything.

I feel like my society does not accept me, but I always say, "It's their problem, not mine." I pray for them that they will have enough awareness and education to understand what I'm trying to do. Society wants me to get married when I'm twenty years old and wake up at six a.m., cleaning, and serving my men. This is not the life I want to live.

There is a word that means "against the feminine." Patriarchy. I hate it, and I feel like I'm totally opposing this idea in my life. I want to prove that I can do whatever men can do. And I can do it better than many of them. I see men looking at me, but I don't give a shit because me being a girl doesn't mean that if you look at me, I'm a bad girl. No. If you look at me, then it's your problem. You have a problem with controlling your desire. Then I go to do my work in places that are usually occupied with men, and when I enter, everyone's like, "You can't be here because you're the only girl." And I'm like, "So what? Does it mean that you will all rape me? Because I'm the only girl here?" You know, this is the main obstacle in my life. I'm here now just because I want to prove to myself I can go out at a late time and go back home, and no one will ever talk to me or do anything bad to me, because my brothers do it and they know no one will make trouble for them.

IF PALESTINE WASN'T OCCUPIED, EVERYONE WOULD WANT TO VISIT

I always say, if Palestine weren't occupied, then everyone would want to visit. I've been to the West Bank, and it's like a heaven. They have everything - mountains, hills, deserts, ancient cities. In Gaza we have the sea and a beautiful beach. But Palestine is this small besieged territory, and even the residents here can't move around freely. All of this powerlessness over movement leaves Palestinians feeling very dependent on other countries, as though we can't be independent.

I belong to this place for many reasons, because I was raised here. The apartment where I was born is my grandfather's family house. The family is originally from Gaza, so I do belong to this place. And I love it. And me I love everything about it.

I'm a journalist, and I want to have my name get bigger and bigger. I will never have a better place than Palestine in general to achieve this dream. I would love to leave Gaza for a month a year, just to explore around. Just to meet new people, to make new relationships, and work on improving my writing. I would like to do assignments abroad. Like if I can be sent to Turkey or Egypt, I would love to do that. But I'll always return to Gaza. I'll never live outside this country. Never.

Starting with reports of bombing on July 8 2014, Abeer covered the invasion of Gaza for Ha'aretz, Los Angeles Times, New York Daily News, +972 Magazine, BuzzFeed, as well as through social media outlets such as Twitter and Instagram. Abeer investigated the shelling of UN schools, visited the morgues, and wrote a passionate open letter to Israeli citizens that was published in Ha'aretz. She posted on social media on August 3 that she had just woken up from her first night of sleep in over three weeks.

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Footnotes

¹ In 2006, Hamas won parliamentary elections in Gaza and largely took control of the government through democratic means. However, in June 2007, Hamas clashed with the

Palestinian Authority, and its leading party, Fatah, in a series of armed confrontations. Following the armed conflict, Fatah and the Palestinian Authority withdrew from Gaza.

² Gaza City is the largest city in the Gaza Strip. It has over 515,000 residents. The First Intifada was an uprising throughout the West Bank and Gaza against Israeli military occupation.

³ Eid Al-Fitr and Eid Al-Adha are the two major feast days of Islam. Palestinian custom is to purchase new clothing for the feast days, when family members exchange visits.

⁴ In 2000, there were seventeen Israeli settlements in Gaza and a little over 6,200 settlers.

⁵ The hijab is a garment that covers the head and neck and is worn by many Muslim women throughout the world.

⁶ In 2005, Israel announced a unilateral withdrawal plan from the Gaza Strip.

⁷ The Islamic University of Gaza is an independent university system in Gaza City. It serves just under 20,000 undergraduates.

⁸ Gilad Shalit was an Israeli Defense Forces (IDF) soldier who was kidnapped in Israel in June 2006 by Gazan militias affiliated with Hamas. He was released as part of a prisoner swap in October 2011.

⁹ Human Rights Watch is a non-profit organization based in the U.S. that investigates human rights abuses around the world. HRW conducts fact finding missions with the help of journalists, lawyers, academics, and other experts.

¹⁰ The strikes on Gaza in 2008 lasted around three weeks, from December 27, 2008, until a cease-fire on January 18, 2009. The invasion was named Operation Cast Lead by the Israeli military.

¹¹ In January of 2011, millions of protesters throughout Egypt gathered to demand the ouster of Egypt's president, Hosni Mubarak, who had been in power for three decades.

¹² The Rafah border crossing is the sole border crossing from Gaza into Egypt, and since Israel imposed a blockade on Gaza in 2007, the Rafah crossing is often Gazans' only accessible point of exit from the Gaza Strip. The crossing is often closed as well, however, and since 2007 it is very difficult for Gazans to leave the Gaza Strip.

¹³ The Dome of the Rock is an Islamic shrine built on the site of the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.

¹⁴ Operation Pillar of Defense was an eight-day assault by the Israeli military starting November 14, 2012.

¹⁵ Al-Shifa Hospital in Gaza City is the largest medical facility in Gaza

[moonlitchaoticneutral]

Sylvia Nightingale

A/N: Below is a piece of narrative I wrote while creating and fleshing out who this character is. She was once a monster hunter for a group called The Inquisition (it's an inside joke and will likely be changed later, don't judge) until she was forcibly turned into a vampire by a violent murderer. Returning to The Inquisition in this state would result in execution. Ripped from her family, fiance, and home, she is hellbent on revenge before she returns to face her fate. This is a piece from her story where she finds herself battling with who she is becoming. Enjoy and please leave feedback.

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He's gone. After everything I did to protect him, he is still gone. All those years ago I chose to live instead of turning myself in to The Inquisition because I thought I could still do good. I could still rid the world of Thomas Thad. I could still work to keep the monsters of New Orleans contained and under control. I could still protect people. I could still protect him. 

Hell was I wrong. I'm the reason he was turned. For all I know, Thad could have killed my whole family once he discovered my past. 

Maybe I am a monster after all, just for existing. My parents were right- good intentions and self-control doesn't mean we aren't monsters. People like me I mean. Vampires. Unnatural creatures. After all, Thad didn't kill Mitch, I did. I didn't even hesitate. I drank him dry like it was nothing and as much as I would never admit it out loud, I enjoyed it. 

I should have given myself over to The Inquisition as soon as I was Turned. Then he would still be alive. In New Orleans, I started seeing creatures as people and as friends and built a new family only to be part of their ruin. I don't know, maybe they aren't monsters. Maybe it is just me. I cannot ignore the amount of blood on my hands anymore. 

Maybe the best thing I can do is accept that I am a monster. Maybe Thad is right- Maybe I can't beat him with my humanity intact. Maybe if I give in I can do one last good thing before I turn myself over. I think death by sun would be too kind for me. I deserve what The Inquisition would give one of their own for living the life I have lived.

Reeves, Sammy, Mia, my parents- all of them would be better off. I can feel my hunger getting worse. My anger getting worse. I want to be violent. I want to feed and tear something limb from limb. I'm just so God damn angry all of the time! I can barely control it anymore. The only time it faded was when I drank myself into oblivion. Though, I don't remember enough of the night to know if I hurt anyone or not. 

It's not being a Vampiress itself that is the problem. It's the anger and the hatred that I can't ignore anymore. One thing I know for sure- next time I meet Thad, Sylvia won't survive. Even if I live, even if I kill him, I won't be Sylvia anymore. 

I hate that. I hate that he is winning. I hate that I can't fight it anymore. All I think about is killing him so I can finally rest. And as a result, all I want is to kill. The woman Mitch new was hanging on by a thread. She died with him. But the new Sylvia? She's barely Sylvia at all. 

Part of me knows I should probably talk to Sammy. Set up a plan for once I'm completely gone. Yet I don't think I can. I can't admit that weakness to him. If I'm lucky, I won't live long enough to need a plan. And neither will Thad. 

If he wanted to create a monster, he succeeded. And I intend to make him regret it. 

[mystique-6]

Fic Name: This is Me Trying

Summary: Ailis just wanted to start a new life and be a person again. Instead she was kidnapped by mindflayers and winds up in the position of leader of a very rag tag group adventurers who all want the same thing...to get rid of their tadpoles before they all become mindflayers. As the group journeys to Baldur's Gate friendships develop and Ailis finds herself drawn to a certain vampire spawn. While the relationship starts out of simple convenience it quickly blossoms into something more...but are either ready for that?

Author's Note: I have been invested in BG3 since YouTube first recommended a video for me to watch back in 2020. I quickly became obsessed with a certain vampire rogue. I was lucky to have a very kind and generous friend gift me the game in EA when I mentioned I planned to purchase the game when I was able to save up for it. And shortly after creating my tav, Ailis, I began plotting this fanfic. I decided to wait for the whole game to be released so I wouldn't have to have a long delay if I managed to finish Act I before the game came out and in case there were changes made to the characters and story. I am glad I made this decision.

A lot of this fic will follow the game exactly, but there will be slight differences to fit this fic, particularly with Astarion's story. I want to make one thing very clear, I love Astarion and his story. I think he is a very compelling character and I think he and his story are very well written. I know a lot of people really connect with both this character and his story and I think that is a great thing. However, I really liked his original corrupt magistrate story that was presented in EA that seemed to be dropped in the official game(or at least watered down). I thought that would make a compelling story and I also prefer more morally dark characters. All this is to say, some of Astarion's characterizations will be different than they are in game as well as some of his story.

For his character, I do intend to write him as a slightly darker than he is in game. Nothing crazy. He really won't be any worse than he is Act I but I don't intend to have him stray too far from how he is in Act I. He will have moments of softness, especially towards my tav, but he won't get as soft as he is in game. At least that's not my intent. This is mostly because I prefer vampiric characters to be a little darker. In D&D, Vampire Spawn have the same shift in personality as True Vampires based on what I have read so I am leaning into that a little more.

For his story, how he views and feels about sex is going to be different. SA is still going to be a part of his backstory but I am adjusting bits of that to fit this story. Honestly, though I think his story is great and well written some of it just doesn't make since with me on a narrative level.

I just wanted to mention this because I know people feel very strongly about his character and story and just want to give warning that both will be a little different in this fic and that might mean it won't be for every Astarion fan. That's okay. There a plenty of great fics out there. However, if you are still intrigued by this fic I really hope you enjoy it. I'm only one chapter in but I had a lot of fun writing it.

The tags will be updated as the story progresses so make sure you always check them before starting a new chapter. I normally include all tags that will be used when I begin a fic but this fic keeps changing directions a bit on me so I'm doing it this way for now.

I hope you enjoy and if you have time please review. I love getting feedback and they really motivate me to keep going.