#lowkey he loves listening to podcasts so so much hehe

[kuroosdarling]

(୨୧ᵕ̤ᴗᵕ̤) : you’ve been matched with … OIKAWA !

@sacchariins

[somethingimnotembarassedbylater]

identity

this one’s tricky. i don’t know how i feel about it. you can’t categorize a person in one box, but it makes things easier when you have labels doesn’t it? is what i’m doing right now permanent enough to be a title? is what i spent my time doing 3 years ago but still keep up with enough to be a title? what counts as enough? 

i started listening to this podcast and honestly its been really interesting. it touched upon the topic of identities, as we know them today, as being a western concept. that statement itself is not hard to come to terms with because the moment you hear it, it clicks - yes. my social learning and unlearning has been done mainly through the internet, which in my case is very largely centered around western ideologies. it’s where i learned how high-schools worked in real life, where i learned sexual health, where i discovered ways of thinking i would have never been exposed to in my day to day life. i’m largely thankful for this, but at some point i realized as well, what i’m learning, i’m learning through the framework of a western mind. that is the standard and it does not budge. 

when i think about who i am i can list a couple of things: pakistani, muslim, introvert, really into picturesque things, passionate, private, shy, idealistic, adventurous, vain, insecure, proud, kinda all of it and more. maybe this will change as i grow but maybe it won’t, i don’t know and i don’t think i can ever know. is it really necessary for me to put a title on things because aren’t i fine with the way things are wouldn’t i be doing it for the convenience of others? is it wrong for me to say fuck others when i occupy the same spaces as them? is it my duty to do more? to be more? to define myself?

this may sound a little pretentious to me when i read it again later but i think i just need to start talking to myself to really get to know who i am. who you are isn’t just what you like, it’s also how you react to things, what you’re afraid of, how you interact with the world around you. lemme really think about it, what do i like? i like to watch things, tv shows, movies, foreign films, k-dramas, anime, action movies, documentaries, i don’t think there’s any form of visual media i don’t enjoy consuming and i know i have a problem with being fixated on something very intensely for a little while and then completely forgetting about it. I also love drawing. its something i spend a lot more time on recently but its good to see something real come out of my hands. i think i am a little too into the picturesque things in life. this is a term i learned recently from a book i’ve only read a chapter of and already feel like dropping, and basically the character was also into the picturesque. he was into the visual aesthetic, the beautiful things in life that he over-romanticizes. i feel like i do that too sometimes, or i guess most times because i find myself thinking and viewing my life as a movie, and thinking of the beautiful shots i’d include in the b-roll, or the tender moments as being part of a pivotal scene. maybe that’s detrimental to the actual experience of living but hey, there’s no rules on how to live my life, if this is how younger me decides is a good way to exist then who am i to say no to her? i think i live a very boring and mundane life, like the character in the book does. maybe i should stop comparing myself to him considering he literally commits a murder later on. 

i think there are things i could be doing, things i fantasize about me possibly experiencing, things i’ve hear about, things i’ve seen on tv that i could also live, but i don’t think i’ll have the balls to do. maybe it’s a good thing because almost all of them seem like things i’ve been taught against, but it’s lowkey robbing me of my agency in life and what the hell. am i stopping myself from being happy? why would i do that? why would anyone do that? is it because im too shy? to scared? of what though? the repercussions? who would really school me? my parents already have 2 children who live their lives the way they choose to, so why am i different? do i think i somehow don’t deserve that? do i think that i’m better than them? sometimes i just want sarah to shut the fuck up and go live a little, to be out there a little more, to be the person she wants to be, but i always back off, why the hell do i do that? why do i kid myself and say that i’m being a good person by not doing anything, because am i really? i’m just a 19 year old who doesn’t think she has even started living. i see myself as the one in the bleachers, kind dissatisfied with the fact that the racer on the track isn’t there yet, but i’m her, i’m the one that’s meant to be on the starting line, but i don’t see myself even going down the stairs towards the track anytime soon. honestly this sounds sad as fuck, im not even a participant in my own life but when talking to others why do i inflate myself to the point where i make myself believe i’ve actually accomplished something in my life, cause clearly i have not. 

this is making me motivated again, nothing like a good old self deprecation to make yourself feel alive again. i want to do things, i do have plans, i want to see things, and i am going to do it. i need more friends though like i know i can do this shit alone but it just feels shitty and i haven’t gotten comfortable enough with myself to do anything more. as much as i can say that i don’t need anyone, it does help when someone’s there enabling your behavior, or maybe i can even call is “supporting” :O maybe hehe. ok then make better friends, go talk to that pretty girl in class, go say hi and talk about the prof, go be the one to compliment someone, go be approachable, its not impossible, so go do it. also get better style.

this definitely spiraled into something it didn’t start out from and i can talk a billion more things about it but i think this is just how i think, so how i think is going to be how i write. 

its a warm tuesday june morning, i drank some chai and ate some noodles, i was on my phone for way too long, and i’ve been up all night.