#lovelikelex

[lovelikelex]

Christopher Robin

I have never talked in-depth about my experiences at Walt Disney World. I never felt like I ever had to. The funny thing is, I noticed before I left for Orlando that I was always feeling like I had to compensate for something. The way I looked, the way I acted, the way I loved. As I have stated in previous blogs, this journey in healing and accepting that I wasn’t perfect and that not everyone would like me began in late May/Early June. Everyone thinks it all started with the initial move to Orlando or the job that was mentally and physically demanding, but no. This journey began surprisingly with a bear and a tiger.

Upon my arrival at Disney, I felt very... empty. Did you know that sometimes adjectives like empty can be feelings? Have you ever felt that way? Maybe when a pet passed away or when you had to move schools or if your parents got into a fight? I felt empty and hurt. And all of those feelings of past frustration and anger and sadness left me in my room a few days after my arrival. Rather than cause a scene or lash out, I took time to defect on my past behavior. Sometimes, people who have mental/emotional problems lash out when they really want to love others because it’s all that they know to do. I’m wondering, friend, did you ever do that before? Did you ever say something mean or rude about someone who was just trying to help you or be your friend? Did you ever accidentally lash out on someone when they only wanted to love you? These are normal things, I assure you. But because I had no outlet to help me with those issues, I often did these things. I felt extremely bad afterward. I often did this as a child too. I would have meltdowns so severe that I would tear posters off of my wall, kick and scream, refuse to eat, hit and kick and even hurt myself. Yes, it is hard and sad to admit. These compulsive behaviors were all that I knew. And each time that I would hit or kick or get angry and yell, I would secretly find myself crying in my room feeling bad about what I had just done but couldn’t help... that, my friend, is emptiness. I am not ashamed to say that though I don’t scream and kick or hit anymore (thank god), I still find it sometimes hard to manage those feelings and issues that come into play.

After unpacking and spending that time reflecting on my anger, sadness, and inability to cope, I said out loud to whoever could’ve listened “I don’t ever want to be that bitter, angry, and mean person again. I want to love and to be loved - to show other people how much they matter and to know deep inside that I am better for it. When I wake up, I will be a different person.” And I was.

After my first week of training, I was thinking of what I could do on my next two days off for some fun. I put on some clothes, and I headed to one of my favorite parks, Magic Kingdom. When I arrived, I went on a few rides and soaked up the environment around me. I was not expecting that day for what came next. As I walked toward the teacups, I caught a Glimpse of Winnie The Pooh and Tigger - two of my most favorite characters growing up. As I looked at them in that seemingly long line, I took a moment to reflect on all of the times that I would rewind my VHS tape of Pooh’s Grand Adventure as a child. I thought of every morning that I grabbed my Pooh and tigger stuffed animals off of my bed and placed them onto the couch as I went into my own special place in my head, dancing away to the music in The Many Adventures Of Winnie The Pooh. But more than anything, my heart ached for that child I was so many years ago, crying and begging out loud “why can’t you come play with me?” As I stared at the tv in utter disbelief that I had absolutely no friends due to the compulsive behaviors that I utterly could not help or control. And as I saw that child in my head, I hugged him briefly for a moment in my heart before hopping into the line and waiting my turn to finally hug my two virtual “best friends” from the tv.

I ran into Tiggers arms, as he had always been my favorite next to beloved Pooh Bear. I told the characters how much they had meant to me, shed a few tears, gave my hugs and kisses. I told them how much they mattered and they listened to every word, holding my small sweaty hands as tight as they could. That was the first day of my mission to love and to be loved. As I walked away with watery eyes, a character attendant chased me down the sidewalk frantically. Smiling, she said “Pooh and Tigger just wanted me to tell you that they Love you exactly as you are. They were so happy to see you and they hope you come back to see them sometime.” At that point, no one had any idea that I worked for the company. They simply thought that I was a child. It’s kind of funny to think about, but also endearing. Childlike wonder is one of the purest things in the world. After that, an idea came to me: I went to Walmart with a friend one night and gathered up a yellow polo shirt and some navy blue shorts with some knee-high socks.

The next day, I went to the Crystal Palace Character dining as Christopher Robin. The whole restaurant stared in awe as I made my way to my seat. And one by one, my hundred acre friends were so excited to see me. It made me smile to feel such positive energy around me. After the breakfast, I went to a gift shop and I found this raggedy-looking, original Tigger and I had to have him. He was $35 without my 20% cast discount. He was the very first merchandise item that I ever bought at Walt Disney world and he hasn’t left my side since. After that, it was back in line to see Tigger and Pooh at their usual meeting spot. I waited 45 minutes patiently and it was hard for me. Sometimes I have found that when we are waiting, we want to rush. That is never okay. Rushing is rude and sloppy. Sure, we want to rush, and sometimes we even have to rush, but it’s always nice to wait our turn and to take our time.

As my turn approached, tigger and Pooh were so surprised and in awe at the cute little outfit that I was wearing. The photos above were taken the second time I had ever met tigger and Pooh. Tigger was attacking me with cuddles and kisses and tickles and Pooh was just as soft and cuddly as the day before. I was developing a love in my heart for these very special character friends that could never be broken.

After that day, I wore that Christopher Robin outfit almost everywhere I went, and people started talking. Entertainment started noticing and it was becoming a big deal. I started to get noticed everywhere I was as Christopher Robin. Nobody even knew my real name until I started my postings on the special Facebook group for people who were involved in the same internship as I was. I would even get recognized at Walgreen’s or at my Job. It felt great to know that people were being kind to one another and loving each other the way that I had wanted since that night that I had prayed about it.

I visited Pooh and tigger every chance I got. Sometimes 3 times a week or more. And my love was eventually spread to ALL characters that I visited weekly. I became a friendly face to all of those wonderful entertainment folks and I was always sure to visit every single character when I went to a park to ensure that I wouldn’t hurt anyone’s feelings. Some of my favorite characters were always Elena, Tiana, and Launchpad McQuack. I also enjoyed seeing Peter Pan.

One day, upon my reflecting which I did often, I came across a very special song in Mister Roger’s Neighborhood - one of my special interests and shows that I enjoyed when I was younger. It’s called “I like you as you are” I will write the lyrics down below:

🎶I like you as you are

Exactly and precisely

I think you turned out nicely

And I like you as you are

I like you as you are

Without a doubt or question

Or even a suggestion

Cause I like you as you are

I like your disposition

Your facial composition

And with your kind permission

I'll shout it to a star

I like you as you are

I wouldn't want to change you

Or even rearrange you

Not by far

I like you

I-L-I-K-E-Y-O-U

I like you, yes I do

I like you, Y-O-U

I like you, like you as you are 🎶

I sang this song to Mickey and Minnie one August day in Town Square Theater, and they enjoyed it very much. So much that I could feel them both sobbing onto me as I held onto each one of them and reminded them that they were so special. I looked them into the eye and told them that I loved them exactly as they were and that they never had to do anything extraordinary like put on a funny hat or sing a funny song for me to love them. I remembered the photopass cast member, Meredith, whom I did not know at the time, sobbing her eyes out at the “selfless act of love” and affirming words that she later described to me in a well-written letter, thanking me for what I had done. I hugged Meredith that day, and I told her that I loved her as she was and that there was only one person on earth like her. Did I say that to gain attention? No. I said that to Meredith because she deserved to hear that. Don’t we all? How much is it to ask to simply remind others how proud you are of them? And how much you enjoy being around them?

That song followed me throughout the rest of my internship and I sang it every time after that encounter with Meredith, Mickey and Minnie. And I delivered affirmations each time after that reminding my character friends and former cast members how much I openly, fiercely, freely and unapologetically loved each and every one of them without the expectation to gain something from that love that I had given.

When fall arrived, I was having a hard time coping with my job, but I still made time for the weekly visits to the characters. I started dressing up more frequently and as other characters due to the Halloween Party pass I had. I had so many different outfits - Peter Pan, Pinocchio, Mickey Mouse, Tigger, Pooh, Mister Rogers, and of course my old friend, Christopher Robin whom I never forgot about.

My friend Shay even organized a birthday party where several of my entertainment friends showed up. There was a Winnie The Pooh cake and some decorations and even some gifts. Most of it was beautiful art that I still have, and by that time I had completed the Winnie The Pooh Original stuffed animal collection I had mentioned earlier. Tigger now had Pooh, Piglet and Eeyore to keep him company. I wa grateful to had spent my birthday around so many people who mattered to me and who reminded me how special I was. For once in my life, that child from my heart so many years ago that longed for friends, finally got his one true wish.

Months had passed, and I had all of these special bonds with all of my favorite character friends. My friend Koda from Brother Bear was another bear-y good friend I liked to visit. I used to come to the dance party in animal kingdom back in June/July and just watch Koda from the sidelines, too anxious to say hi, until one day Koda came to me. I attended the dance party once a week after that. Koda and my character captain friend Lisa even got me a little Koda Bear as a gift after the dance party had ended due to a lack in entertainment funds and Koda had to go away. Though I was heartbroken, I was thankful for the special one-on-one time that they always allowed me to have with my friend.

After Fall left, I knew that my mission was over and that my message was fulfilled. My last week at Disney was my most favorite but most painful goodbye I think I ever experienced. It started at Animal Kingdom with a visit to Launchpad McQuack - one of my most beloved characters. I looked into his eyes one more time, and reminded him how much I loved him while delivering the affirmation that had grown on me in those seven months: “did you know that you make so many days so special for so many people? Just by being yourself. There is only one person in the whole world exactly like you and people can like you exactly as you are” choked up, I could feel my throat swelling up as I blinked and tears fell from my eyes while singing one last time “I like you as you are... exactly and precisely..” I sobbed my eyes out as I walked on to my next goodbye. That was when the entertainment leader had come out and said that she had a day filled with surprises for me. I got to say goodbye to all of my favorite fab five pals like Goofy, Donald, Daisy, chip n Dale.. they all surprised me with a big group hugs. I could feel them all, specifically Donald, sobbing next to me as I said again for one last time “you have made these seven months the most SPECIAL seven months.. by just you’re being you!” Sang my song and grabbed a few more photos before begging led to every single character in animal kingdom. My heart was truly touched at the way I was treated with such profound kindness that day.

After that, shay brody and my “new dad Scott” made our way to Magic Kingdom to say goodbye to my friends Tigger and Pooh. I don’t even remember being able to speak at first because I was just so heartbroken, so instead, I began to faintly sing “I like you as you are....” my tears interrupted me as I sobbed gasping for air and never wanting to leave the side of the two furry friends who helped change me for the better. For the last time for a while, I reminded pooh and tigger how much I loved them. I thanked them for their friendship and gave them each one last kiss on the nose. I was allowed to walk with them back to their special spot near backstage area. One last hug, one last affirmation, and one last kiss and then that chapter in my adventure book had ended.

I was always so thankful for every good thing that everyone did while thinking of me and my mission to LOVE while I was in Orlando. Learning to love others and to be loved was my greatest achievement. I am proud to have been an assett and to have mattered to that company and community, but now, it’s time to move on to school and to love even more and to show what I learned while I was gone. I still often think of Christopher Robin. I am thankful for him and although he is tucked away for now, he is always with me - just like those special memories with pooh and tigger and the other phenomenal entertainment folks of Walt Disney world.

One more thing before I sign off for the night, you have made this day so special for me. Just by being you. There is no one else on earth exactly like you, and I like you exactly as you are. In fact, that’s what makes you so great. You’re you and I’m Me. We are still able to grow and to love even at 20 years old or 45 or even 100. Don’t ever lose that sense of childlike wonder, internet neighbor.

[lovelikelex]

Friendship & Grief

I remembered the void in my heart that I thought could never be filled after my friend David died. I remembered several feelings of anger and frustration- not only at God, but at the world.

For the longest time, I didn’t want to be touched. I didn’t want to be bothered. Simple things like eating and getting out of bed became a chore to me. I wanted nothing to do with human interaction. The thought of allowing any human being into my life to get close to me, made my skin crawl.

But then, there was a September. And a stagecraft lab. And if I looked out of the corner of my eye, I could see a blonde-haired and blue-eyed man standing toward the middle of my room giggling at me as I complained about having to use a saw and paint set pieces that were bigger than I was. And each day, I felt that man figuratively and literally getting closer and closer to me each day until we had actually been paired up to do a project together.

I will never forget the rainy Saturday that we spent together watching the volleyball game that ultimately started our friendship. We both had no idea what was going on. I was convinced that Justin had never touched a ball in his life and I only knew about baseball and football. We sat down and I was scrolling through my phone. I will admit that at the time, I was in denial about my sexuality. I had never really been with a man, but I thought about it at times. I was also, once again, dealing with the grief.. crying myself to sleep at night in my dorm and wishing that David were there for some support. David always knew what to say, as I have said multiple times.

I was scrolling through a dating app on my phone. I had my settings turned on for men and women because as I stated, I was sort of confused at the time. I think we’ve all felt that way at some point. I knew that Justin had seen the man on my phone, but I laughed it off and told him that I was just looking for friends in the area and that I wasn’t gay. He smiled at me. This smile was different, though. This was an “oh hun, I know you’re gay” kind of smile - you know, kinda like the look your mother gives you when she knows something that you don’t know.

Nevertheless, Justin never pushed me to talk about anything that I didn’t want to talk about. Instead, I told him about a girl that I had been interested in and how I was going to go on a date with her later that night. Justin and I talked about a lot of things that day. I thanked him for our fun and he drove away into the distance. Later on that night, the girl that I had mentioned picked me up and we ate at a restaurant. She asked me where I had been all day and I told her that I had been with Justin - once again, super defensive and explaining that just because I had been hanging out with a gay person, it didn’t make me gay.

She took me to her place. And I remembered giving myself that inner pep talk: you can do this! you’re not a wimp! Kiss her! And what did I do..? The exact opposite. In fact, when she tried to make a move on me, I ran out of her house and down the street. Later realizing that she was the one who drove me to her house in the first place, I walked back and she simply asked me “why did you run away from me?” I laughed and told her that I was only joking around with her. As she drove me back to my dorm, we talked. She asked me if I was gay as she pulled up to the door. Once again, I said “No.”

It was then that she muttered the words “are you going to kiss me?” And I froze. What in the world would I ever do? And how would I do it? And would she see me as less of a person if I rejected her? I smiled at her and replied with “I don’t kiss on the first date.” Looking into her eyes, trembling with fear, she replied. “It’s because you’re gay.” Opening the car door, and walking away, I confidently said “nope. No I’m not.”

I walked into my dorm, and the first thing I did was text Justin about my date that went horribly. He started to feel the closest thing I had to a friend at school.

We started spending all of our time together. We went to parties, celebrated our birthdays, you know, all of the normal things that friends celebrate. We started to get closer, and as we did, Justin helped me open up more about who I was. I’ll never forget the day that he looked at me, all jokes aside and said “you are gay, why is it so hard for you to admit that?” And I’ll never forget just blinking... blinking and tears spilling from my eyes as I hugged him for being the one person aside from David who ever validated me for simply existing; for silently acknowledging who I was and allowing me to be that, even when I wasn’t ready to admit it.

There were times that I called Justin at 2 AM and he was at my dorm in 20 minutes. Times when we would stay up all night listening to me, holding me as I cried, and watching the Golden Girls with me. There were times that I begged “can I just lay next to you?” In the most platonic fashion, and though he hated “cuddling” he would still allow it.

As time grew, our friendship was tested by so many things. Many people would ask questions like “are you two a thing?” Or “Are you dating?” And those questions made both of us uncomfortable because we were only friends. I’m convinced that people romanticize our friendship. I know that I did at times. I often gushed of how special Justin made me feel or how lucky I was to have him in my life. I don’t think that people normalize platonic love to the point that I had.

The new year had passed and I was stuck in a really unhealthy relationship. As I mentioned before, I was not always the nicest person and there were certain people who also didn’t like me on campus. Justin was the only person who cared enough to listen to my problems, just like David. He would tell me how much better I deserved and how it didn’t matter if those people liked me or not. Justin convinced me to go to therapy and he would sit outside of the waiting room in a big wooden chair for an hour, waiting for me to get out of my therapy appointments - which in my opinion, was one of the purest forms of love.

I would sometimes lash out, I would get angry and cry. I was often stressed. I missed david. I wanted to give up. But Justin never gave up on me. Ever. When I was sad, he would always take me on drives and we would listen to Ariana Grande until I felt better. The only times that he ever left my side was to go to class and to go home... and I would beg him “please don’t go. Please don’t leave.” I enjoyed all of our fun so much. I never wanted him to go home.

Around March, Justin had some pretty serious health problems regarding his heart. I remember him going to the hospital and how much it terrified me because that was what David had passed from - his heart was enlarged. I never stopped worrying about him the whole week he was in there.

When he finally got out, we planned a wonderful spring break trip with our friend Brad. The photos above were actually taken on Panama City Beach Pier. Justin went to Disney World the for the first time and convinced me to apply for the college internship there.

As soon as I got home, I applied with him. Unfortunately, he didn’t make it past the second phase, but I was accepted. He convinced me to leave my hometown and to leave my school and go. Think about that. Begging the one person that you care about to go after their dreams for seven months without you... that again, is another pure form of love.

When I left, we didn’t talk too much. Working at Disney is hectic and I had very little time for him. But he also convinced me to leave behind that toxic relationship I mentioned earlier.

Justin, like David, selflessly reminded me of the consequences of my actions rather than telling me “don’t do that! That’s dumb!” And would comfort me through my misfortunes.

After seven months of not seeing my best friend, this has definitely been the hardest “long distance relationship” in the entire world. I am so glad that I am living on campus with him in January!

In conclusion, I don’t know what God’s intentions were when he sent me Justin. I’m not sure if it had anything to do with David, but sometimes I like to think it did.

Before I met J, I had a hard time believing in heroes. But it’s true, not all heroes wear capes. Some of them just wear jeans and t-shirts. I know mine sure does. And for anyone out there who has ever asked me “are you all siblings” or “are you all dating” - no. No, we are certainly not dating and we are unfortunately not siblings. I could never get that lucky, but I know that someone lucky will someday, and I am rooting for that person!

[lovelikelex]

Be the church

Hello, neighbor. Today, I am here to talk with you about church. What is a church? What is faith to me?

I grew up in broken homes with broken hearts built on broken promises. I, for the longest time felt that I had little to no value because I had psychological issues and diagnoses that made me feel like the smallest person on earth. I found a little voice of doubt in the back of my mind every morning when I woke up. I looked in the mirror and hated myself simply for existing.

I went to Sunday School often with my mother. I sang at church and in church choir. I loved the peppermints that I would get for being quiet. I felt, sometimes, between the ages of 3-8 that my faith in God was the strongest it had ever been. I felt that the lord had loved me and nurtured me more than anyone in my life. I was never afraid to pray. I knew deep in my heart that Jesus was my best friend and I was never ever afraid to talk to him. In fact, I would write letters to Jesus and sometimes stick them in my mailbox waiting for him to respond back to me. I wondered to myself, what was heaven like? And even now at 20 years old, I wonder the same kinds of things. I think that truly the child-like wonder in me has never gone away and I pray that it never does.

My entire childhood, I tested those around me. I think I especially tested God just as much as he tested me. I would talk while the teacher was talking, I would stomp in big mud puddles when my grandmother told me “you’d better not get dirty!” And when my mother told me to come inside after dark, I ran down the street and chased the streetlights clear across the other side of town. I hated the word “no” and I had a real sense of adventure. I would think sometimes to myself “Jesus wouldn’t like me for doing this” - but I would do it anyway, regardless of the consequences. I didn’t care if I were spanked or grounded or had my favorite toys taken from me, it was always my way or the highway.

When puberty hit me, it was even worse. I would sneak out of the house and go to parties while my dad was asleep. I would turn off the alarms on his phone so that I wouldn’t have to get up for school. In 8th grade I was so truent that I had to move towns and schools so that I wouldn’t flunk the eighth grade. Still, testing god, and not looking to him for guidance. When I was 13, I realized who I truly was. I came out of the closet as a transgender boy. Facing ridicule from my dad, I didn’t look to god, I ran away from all of my problems. I hated the world. I hated myself. And I hated even God for making me - and especially for making me apart of the gay community.

You know, a lot of the times, we are so ashamed of ourselves that we think that Jesus is ashamed of us too. I felt like that. Did you ever feel like that? Like nothing you do ever feels right? Imagine feeling that way every single day. But guess what? Jesus knew that I would struggle. He knew that I would make some questionable decisions.. but he still chose the cross. Instead of running TO god, I was running FROM him.

These feelings of sadness and emptiness lasted for a long time. At the age of fifteen I hit rock bottom and even attempted to take my own life due to the issues that I was refusing to get help for... doctors and nurses were still searching for answers and I was still searching for god. Was god real? How could he be? What was his true testament of love for me?

I got back on the right track. I started acting and singing and dancing. I found my “people.” And they loved and supported me regardless of my orientation, identity, or mental illness. I started writing. I excelled in English. I was even selected for a prestigious summer performing arts program/scholarship. There, I met a boy named David who was a year younger than I was. He loved to play the piano. We grew closely very quick. He just understood me and I just adored him. I like to think of David as my “wingman” - someone who was always there to cheer me up or remind me of all of my amazing qualities. David was like my roadmap. I needed him and I think in some ways, David needed me.

A year after I felt I had gotten my life on track, David died. It still feels so strange to say those words. “David died” - it still feels like a cruel joke, but his heart was literally (and figuratively) too big for his body and he collapsed. I had a conversation with god the night that I found out david had passed. I told him that I was angry and hurt and not ready to heal. I asked “why me?” And more importantly “why david? Why someone so immensely talented?” And as I unapologetically cried, I asked god, out loud “I know that you can die from and enlarged heart, but can you possibly die from a broken one?” Can you imagine being so incredibly heartbroken that you, too, wished that god would take you away? I can.

After my best friend passed, still, I was testing god. Little by little and day by day, I grew more frustrated with the people around me. Every single person was my enemie. I would constantly talk and bicker and shout and cry about anyone who grew close to me. That was my TEST to them. I wanted, at that time, to be so toxic that no one would want to be my friend. I wanted to test those friends of mine to see if they would stick around through all of my trials and tribulations JUST like I had tested god. And guess what? It worked. It worked because I lost most people that I considered my best friends.

When I packed up and moved to Orlando, I felt something that I hadn’t felt in the longest time. I felt God’s love through the love of other people. I felt whole. I felt that even if I were broken in a million pieces that there were things and people that could glue me together. And they did. I am not ashamed to tell you that I found god without going to church. I asked you a question at the beginning of this blogpost. I asked you “what is a church?” And now that you have thought about your answer, I have mine: I think of a church as a single unit of people who spread God’s love and who teach us the ways of Jesus. A church is a place of worship. A church is a place where you can laugh. Or Cry. Or sing. A church is a place where you can be you - with God watching you. Churches can be for praising god, sure. But so can 2 AM car rides, or singing in the shower, coffee shops, the gym, conversations with friends and strangers. Don’t confine your faith to a building. We will never change the world simply by going to church. Instead, we need to be the church.

I hope that you can remember that you are so special, and that God love’s you so very much. I am so glad that he made you so that I could know you. Isn’t it wonderful that the same god that made oceans and valleys and Stars saw you and thought that you should exist too? I think that’s amazing.

Love, Lex.

[lovelikelex]

Hello, Neighbor. Have you heard of the word “forgiveness?”

It’s a word that I’m sure everyone has heard, but do you know what it means to forgive? It’s a decision that we make as human beings to release a person of our own personal feelings of anger, hurt, and sometimes sadness.

Have you ever had to forgive anyone? How did it make you feel? More importantly, how do you think that it made THEM feel to know that you forgave them? You know, forgiving doesn’t mean that you are necessarily “forgetting” what happened. It doesn’t mean that you can’t be angry. You are allowed to feel whatever you feel at any given time. And you have the right to not feel obligated to apologize for those feelings. The sun doesn’t apologize for shining and the flowers don’t apologize for growing. The moon doesn’t apologize for shining and dogs don’t apologize for barking, so why apologize for feeling?

Now, have you ever had to be forgiven for something that you did? I’m sure you have. I know I have had to be forgiven. There have been times that I have gotten angry and said things about people I cared about. Things that were true that I should’ve kept to myself and other things that weren’t true that I felt the need to say all because I was hurting at the time. I pushed people I cared about away and I didn’t want anything to do with any of those people. To this day, I don’t know if I have truly been forgiven. Because of the things that I did, it caused people to say things about me that weren’t true. I surely forgave those people after a lot of thought, even if I wasn’t sure that they truly should’ve been forgiven.

Forgiveness is such a strange thing. It can sometimes be easier to forgive our enemies than our friends. It can be hardest of all to forgive the people that we love. Like all of life’s other important coping skills, the ability to forgive and the capacity to let go of resentments most likely take root very early in our lives.

Just remember, it is important to forgive but also normal and valid to still have those feelings of anger and frustration and even guilt. When we forgive others it is a way of saying that we love them and we care about them and we accept their apology, even if there wasn’t an initial apology given.

Now, I challenge you to think of someone who has done something wrong. Someone who has hurt your feelings. Someone who has broken your heart. Someone who said something bad about you. Someone who cut you off on the road or a bully who stole your lunch money 10 years ago. Take one minute to think about this person. Now, think about something terrible that you did. Did you steal something? Or say something bad about someone else? Did you put your hands on someone? Think about a time that someone forgave you for doing one of those things and make a decision right now on if you can forgive someone for something bad that they have done to you.

Breaking this cycle of anger begins with you. I trust that you know how important it is to remind others that you forgive them and how valuable they are to this world.

And Incase no one has told you today, you make each day such a special day, simply by being yourself. There is no one on this earth like you and people can like you exactly as you are. Mister Rogers used to tell me that on his daily program when I was younger. It has always stuck with me. So from here on out, it serves as a daily reminder to you. Get used to seeing those words because you’ll most likely be hearing them a lot more often.

Love, Lex.

[lovelikelex]

My New Years resolution

Hello, internet neighbors. How have you been? I have certainly been swell. I have been taking a break from writing - mainly because I have been engulfed in work and haven’t had much time to think of what to say.

New Year’s day is an interesting holiday for me. I don’t normally “celebrate” it. I find myself in bed and asleep before the ball even drops. I wonder sometimes, what is a new year? Is it just another excuse for people to make resolutions that they won’t uphold? An excuse to party and drink? For some people, it really represents a clean slate. But for me, a new year is just... a new year.

I am not really one for resolutions. I feel that when I make a resolution, I won’t follow through with it. I’ve had many in the past - stop drinking soda, stop biting my nails. This year my resolution is simple. I woke up on New Year’s Day and I had a talk with myself. It might sound strange, but it always helps me sort out my thoughts if I talk out loud. I said proudly “I am not going to lose thirty pounds. I am not going to be the smartest. I am going to be the kindest and healthiest person that I can be. I am going to be happy and not let anyone make me feel bad or upset about it. I refuse to let my past decisions reflect on who I have become.”

I can proudly say that I am a week into my resolution and I am listening to myself and making good choices. Just as I am the writer of this blog, I am the writer of my own story.

Just last week, I was made aware that some people were still continuing to say negative things about me- my past, my bad choices, everything. I felt upset for a minute, and then pulled myself together after realizing that sometimes good people do bad things. And as much as it hurt me, it made me realize that I was the bigger person because I hadn’t and never again will say anything negative BACK to the people who were instigating and engaging. Why? Because it’s not my place. I think that a lot of hurt people get angry and so instead of resolving a conflict, they choose to take all of that negative energy and talk about other people. All human beings have done it for years. It’s very sad. As human beings, we get close to people. We find out what those people like and don’t like. And in times of anger, hurt and frustration... we hurt the people that we love or once loved. It is only human nature. But forgiveness and compassion are also apart of human nature. To apologize and to be forgiven are to be HUMAN.

Has someone ever talked bad about you? How did it make you feel? Better yet, how did you handle it? Did you stand up or stay quiet and let those people talk about you? I think for me, I would rather allow people to talk negatively about it rather than get involved and escalate the situation. Because those feelings of anger and hatred - those are allowed to be expressed. As long as they are talking about me, they aren’t talking about anyone else. And that’s the most important part. It is okay and normal to feel angry. And when people talk about how you made them feel, it’s okay for them to express that. But bringing people down, insulting them, and laughing at who they are... that is a complete different thing. I feel better knowing that I don’t have to be like that for people to love me. In fact, in time, I’m sure you will realize that you never have to do anything sensational for people to love you. You never have to make fun of others, talk about them, or put on a funny hat... because at the end of the day, the people who REALLY matter will love you regardless.

[lovelikelex]

An open letter to the people that I hurt

Dear friends, I would like to explain a lot of things, but I just don’t know how. I could say over and over how “sorry” I am, but it certainly wouldn’t make up for all of the nasty things that I said, or all of the times that I laughed about your misfortunes.

I writing this letter not to make excuses for the way that I have treated you all. I am here to explain to you MY story, so that you can better understand why I acted the way that I did. It took me a long time to think about my actions and to realize why I was so incredibly bitter and negative toward everyone who did nothing but love me. I’m ready to talk about this now so that I can heal, and hopefully so that you can forgive me.

I grew up in an environment where I always felt I had to be defensive about everything I did. As a child and even as a teenager, I always had this inner voice telling me “get them before they get me.” - this mentality followed me for 19 years of my life and influenced a lot of my decisions. I am just now realizing that I missed out on a lot of opportunities and a lot of friendships/relationships all because I always had to be right about everything.

In school to compensate for the lack of attention that I received elsewhere, I felt like I always had to be the best at everything - which is heartbreaking and now, as I see it, incredibly toxic. I started acting at the age of 13. At that age, it’s primarily a game and most kids don’t take it seriously. I did. When I got to high school, I started singing in several auditioned choirs. It really felt therapeutic for me; probably the only time that I ever received positive attention in school. I never felt like I had to make a funny face or anything like that to get my choir gang to like me. When I got a bit older, I started to become more serious with my performing. I received several awards, participated in KMEA, went to New York, So many incredible opportunities that I most likely wouldn’t have been afforded had I not joined this community of singers and actors.... but I had it all wrong. I had a chip on my shoulder and had to be better than everyone I met. In my 17-year-old brain, I was finding ways to one-up every single person I met. My way of doing this? By bullying everyone I thought I was “better” than and by saying terrible things about them. My attitude kept me from enjoying so many things. If I wasn’t cast as a “lead” role, I didn’t want to participate.

Now, looking back, I sort of chuckle at that kid who had his head in all of the wrong places. I think that growing up with a disabled parent was also the cause of a lot of my actions. I sometimes felt like I had to act out in order to get attention on me. It was sometimes hard for my mother to make it to events like choir concerts or plays or whatnot, and I had friends who had parents who cheered them on at every single performance. Don’t get me wrong, I was certainly grateful that someone had shown up for me, but I felt lonely. I felt sad. I trust that you have felt that way before, haven’t you?

My anger got worse and so did my uncontrollable rages and meltdowns until I met David. I can almost picture him at the piano right by the dining hall at centre college, playing blissful music and stopping to say “what’s wrong?” I can picture him following me around the speed art museum and telling me that sometimes good people do bad things. I can see him pushing me on a swing set and sending me pictures of him with his kitties... but the number one thing that I will remember undoubtably for the rest of my life will be his willingness to love me harder, when I at sometimes pushed him away. I can look back on my phone and visualize the missed texts and DM’s on Instagram of him saying “great performance tonight!” Or “You are so talented and so special.” David, my roadmap, my light. You know, friends, David was so special to me. He never spoke over me or interrupted me. He listened to every beat and was always there to offer support and encouragement. I think sometimes, especially in times of confusion or conflict “I wish david were here because he would know exactly what to say to make things better.” He was always like that. I could come to him with a tear-soaked shirt or a smile that could light up the darkest room, and yet, he loved me all the same.

When David Died, a part of me died. The part of me that was joyful, energetic, and lively... that part of me just broke. I didn’t scream. I didn’t cry. I just froze. Half of me was gone. I don’t know that I will ever get that part of me fixed, but I am definitely healing. Grief is a lifelong process of healing.

When I started college, still stuck in my “get-them-before-they-get-me” phase, I found a wonderful group of people whom I considered to be family. We celebrated birthdays, holidays, and mainly each other’s success. But still hurting, and refusing to get help, I fell into a deep, dark, depression. I started drinking. Drinking so much that I couldn’t function because I felt that as long as I couldn’t function, I couldn’t hurt. I would rather feel like headache, morning sickness, and hangover rather than to feel the pain and loss of my best friend. Over months, this habit grew worse. I had a strict talk with the head of my department and got things straightened out. I started to see a therapist. But still, I was being toxic. Spreading lies. Spreading hate. Why? I don’t think I’ll ever know, but I still think it has to do with that small child inside of me who wouldn’t care let anyone get close enough to love me out of fear that everyone would leave, and they left anyway.

I truly was not a kind person. I made mistakes. And mistakes aren’t the issue, it’s how you handle them. And how did I handle this problem? I moved fourteen hours away and changed overnight. I went to bed and said “I never want to be that person ever again” and I wasn’t. I received high praise from my leaders and coordinators at work. I had a good name in the entertainment/show biz department. And the most important thing that I did, was remind each and every person that I met how special they were and how much they meant to me - something that David often reminded me of that I never acknowledged before his passing.

what do hurt and love have in common? They are both four letter words, and it is what you do with these feelings that count the most.

I am still hurt, sure, but I am finding better ways to talk about and express those feelings. I am sometimes angry, too. I’m sure that you feel that way sometimes. But I would rather throw a ball as hard as I can, write something on a piece of paper, or run as fast as I can rather than spread hatred or lies about the people I love and care about.

To people who I have hurt, I am sorry. Truly and wholeheartedly sorry. I am asking you if we can start over and if you can possibly forgive me for anything I might’ve said or did that hurt your feelings or made you feel unlovable.

And to my friends who have stuck around through my toxic behavior and loved me harder when I pulled away from you, I appreciate that support more than anything in this world. You are valued beyond measure.

Love, Lex.

[lovelikelex]

It’s okay to cry

hello, neighbor. I hope you’ve had a relaxing day. I figured that right now would be a nice time to have a chat with you about something that a lot of us don’t talk about - emotions.

I’m sure we’ve all heard phrases like “hush up!” Or “stop your crying before I give you something to cry about.” I know that I have heard phrases like this before. Has anyone ever said things like that to you? How did it make you feel? I know how those phrases made me feel: quiet.

I bet you’re thinking to yourself “how can you feel quiet?” I am here to tell you that you can feel lots of different ways. You can feel quiet, loud, big, small. There are lots of ways of feeling and none of those ways are wrong. How you handle these feelings is the important part.

When I was younger, I cried a lot. I feel like that ultimately earned me the label of a “crybaby” or “whiny.” As i was looking through some old things, I found my report card from first grade. The first comment written was “Alex is very sensitive, and has a hard time focusing - he is always asking about the feelings of others.” I felt even at the ages of six and seven years old the hurt of those around me. I hated to see daddy angry or to see mommy cry. What I disliked more than anything, was when anyone was mad at me. Even as a elementary schooler, I had this constant fear of disappointing those who mattered most to me.

As I mentioned in my last post, I had quite a traumatic childhood. There are things that have happened to me that i still refuse to talk about. I think when I turned thirteen, my emotions kind of just shut off. Sure, I knew what Love was, but I had a hard time being affectionate. I hated to be touched. I hated to cry in front of others. It could’ve been a pride thing, sure. I believe most teenagers are like that at some point. It also could’ve been the ASD that forced me to shut off all understanding of my emotions the all emotions that surrounded me. I guess I will never know.

Just like I mentioned in my last post, I suffered a great loss last year when I lost my friend David. I also struggled with my emotions when he passed. I always cried in my room with the door closed, head buried into my pillow - afraid of what the world might think if they saw even a glimpse of a tear from my eyes. Nobody can know that I cry, I thought. Nobody can know that I am a human being with emotions. Not a soul.

As time has gone on, I have found myself more and more comfortable in my skin - finding more ways each and every day to grow and to learn about myself through my problems. In doing so, I have also encouraged my friends to cry. And they do.

I have had my friends say “Lex, I don’t want you to see me this way” or “I hate to cry in front of other people” - and to me, now at the age of 20, that sounds so ridiculous. The worst is when people say “I’m sorry” after they’ve had an emotional breakdown beside me, as if they aren’t allowed to FEEL. Whenever people say “I’m sorry” after crying, I just want to knock the hell out of whoever made them feel that way. Who made you feel that you couldn’t even do so much as shed a tear in front of them? Shame on those people for. It being your safe space when you needed it most.

“I’m sorry” - I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry that you have to live in a society that doesn’t normalize human emotions. I’m sorry that your reality is that you have to put on a “brave face” wherever you go - that you weren’t afforded the right to feel upset as a child. I’m sorry that you’re sorry.

For so many years we have said to our children, especially boys, “don’t cry! Man up!” And to say that to a child is damaging because they have the right to feel things. They have the right to be excited about small things. They are allowed to be goofy. They’re allowed to be dorky about their favorite Disney character. They are allowed to make blanket forts and stomp in mud puddles, sleep with stuffed animals and sing in the rain. And YOU are too. Did you know that you’re allowed to do these things? And just like children AND adults are allowed to be dorky, and funny, and crazy, they are also allowed to cry. And to throw things. And to be angry. We have said for so long “stop crying!” And saying that means “it makes me uncomfortable that you have feelings and I don’t care about them.” I would much rather have someone cry, rather than not to cry.

We are going to break this cycle. Here is my final piece of advice: embrace vulnerability. Use emotionality as a radical tactic against a society that teaches you that emotions are a sign of weakness. Tell more people that you care about them and hold their hands while doing so. Tell others that you are proud of them. Offer support readily and sincerely. Don’t be stingey with your love. Love freely and recklessly and allow others to do the same to you. Life is so short. When we allow ourselves to be open, when we spark a light into a person to let someone know that they are loved and are capable of loving, it gives us the opportunity to grow into the best, most healthiest people around. watch what happens when you love a person exactly as they are and see how well they grow and blossom when you do.

As always, remember how special you are and how proud I am to know you. And cry. Stop being bitter. Stop being angry. And let those feelings out.

Love, Lex.

[lovelikelex]

What is a neighbor?

Hi neighbor! It’s good to see you again. I hope that you’re doing well. I am ready for the holidays. Today, I wanted to talk with you about something very important. What IS a neighbor and what does it mean to be neighborly?

The dictionary defines the word neighbor as a person living near or next door to the speaker or person referred to. I think of this word in many different ways. I think of the word in literal terms, sure. But also I think of a neighbor as anyone who is close to me. I think of a neighbor as a helper, not just someone who lives next door to me, but someone who says “what do you need from me?”

I have two very good examples of neighbors. These photos below are of my friends Shay and Brody. They have challenged me in the past 6 months in reminding myself that good people truly do exist. Did you know that sometimes GOOD people do bad things? It doesn’t make them bad people, no it does not. But sometimes, when we don’t see the “good” in the world, it can cause us to believe that there isn’t any good at all. When we aren’t used to seeing good things, it is normal to have feelings of anger and sadness. I find that during the holidays especially, it’s even harder to find joy in some people rather than others. It seems the older we get, the joy in holiday celebration and festivities turns more bleak and focused on material things... “what can other people do for ME?” Rather than “what can I do for other people?”

Have you ever done something nice for someone else? How about your mom or your dad or your friends? Have you ever done something nice without someone watching? I’m sure that you felt good inside and proud to help other people.

I know that when I help other people, I feel that way. I bet that Shay and Brody feel like that too. I would like to tell you a lot about Shay and Brody. They are my good friends from Wisconsin. I met them through my Disney Program/internship at WDW. The first thing that I ever said to Shay was that she had “a nice smile and kind eyes.” Since then, I have never been able to ignore her incredibly infectious grin and her laugh. Shortly after we had hung out a few times, she introduced me to my “new friend Brody” as I still call him. Brody is a Nurse and he does not work at Disney. Brody, similar to his career, is ALWAYS taking care of someone and more importantly, always smiling. I am convinced that he is never not smiling. He always offers to hold my backpack or my stuffed friends named Tigger and Pooh that I have carried along with me for months, but my favorite thing that Brody holds is my hand. The first time I ever met him, we were strolling along Epcot and I just reached out and grabbed his hand. Ever since then, the lex-and-brody-hand-holding tradition has lived on.

Shay and Brody have seen me at my absolute worst and my very best. I can tell you how they make me think of the word “neighbor” - because I trust them. I trust them to see me on the ground, kicking and screaming, barely being able to breathe to laughing my head off. I trust them to see me sleep and to wrap their arms around me. I trust them to give me hugs and kisses until my head falls off. I trust them to see me in my Pj’s or when I haven’t showered or when I’m dressed up wearing a tie and sweater. I trust them always. But the number one thing that I trust, is that they understand how special they are and how special they make me feel inside.

Before I had met them, there were so many feelings of doubt, fear, anger, sadness... but when I met them, those feelings of “never-quite-right-ness” faded away and I haven’t felt them since.

To this day, though we don’t physically see each other all of the time, I am constantly texting or FaceTiming Shay, Brody, or one of their family members.

The last day that I saw both Shay and Brody before I left the company, I gave them two keychains to match the ones on my backpack. I was expecting both of them to be apprehensive or upset at me for spending money considering that they never allow me to buy anything for myself, not to mention them. But they accepted my gift. It was almost like they were giving me a gift, the way that they had accepted mine.

I hope that you will learn through this story how you can be more like a neighbor, or more like Shay and Brody. Most of all, I hope that you know that being a neighbor is doing good things for people without expecting anything in return, because the best way to be kind and to be a friend or neighbor is to think of what someone might need and to help them with it. As always, remember how exceedingly special you are and remember that there is no one else on earth like you. People can and will like you exactly as you are.

“Jesus said onto him, thou shalt love the lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.” - Matthew 22:34-39

Love, Lex.