#love you lieslab 🩵

[newbbystay]

This was so good!! I loved the conversation between the two of them. The pure vulnerability and the perfect environment for it. I love that Felix didn't try to force her into believing and answered her questions. The little snippets of her past, but not in great detail were well written!

Why does my skin start to burn?

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Pairing: Lee Felix X gn reader

Summary: Watching Felix read his bible leads to a conversation far deeper than he ever imagined.

Genre: Comfort/hurt

Word Count: 2.1K

Trigger warning: Anxiety, religious guilt, anger, mentions of murder, sexual assault, hate crimes, hatred against women, child abuse, and animal cruelty.

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And the two of you fell into a constant routine; a constant pull of gravity of earth and moon. One could not function properly without the other. What good is the earth without the moon? 

The pale moonlight that trails the lost from darkened woods. It highlights the faces of lovers at night and speaks whispers to children, at least, that’s what they think. Their very own personal protector against the darkness, a light in a beacon of nothingness, the one thing that makes them feel as if they’re not so alone. 

You were on your back and already tucked beneath the blankets. That moon sat outside the fluttering curtains. A cool breeze shifted in, but it didn’t help the bubbling anxiety. The what-ifs were back again and as much as you tried to push them away, they remained as a constant thorn in your side. 

Yellow light pooled around the front of the bed via a side lamp. Beside you, the warmth of Felix’s body provided comfort. He was sitting up beside you and tucked beneath the blankets too. You were both draped in the king-sized maroon bedding. Nothing could harm the two of you here. It’s what you wanted to believe. 

A black leather-back bible sat in Felix’s hands. The occasional wisp of a page turning filled the air. His eyebrows sat in a natural furrow as he studied the information. His lips moved as he read, a way to absorb more of the words that way. 

The word of God was so crucial to some. Sometimes in ways that you would never understand. How could you? How could you understand when talking to God felt like talking to empty air? 

People like to say God is there. They like to say he’s always listening and always watching. Maybe he is and maybe he isn’t. It’s always been something you’ve questioned. Some say it’s the lack of faith, but you always say that maybe it’s just the lack of mankind itself. 

Thoughts and prayers. It’s always the thoughts and prayers. Thoughts and prayers through the hurricanes and thunderstorms. Thoughts and prayers when you’re left with your skin on fire after recounting an incident of sexual assault. Thoughts and prayers when life throws you into the deep end and there’s nothing to grab onto. 

There is no life preserver. The words pelt and then slide off of you. They hold no meaning. The weight of your actions is set in stone and words are just words. They can change at any time. A verbal pity works for some, but for others, it feels like receiving a half-deflated balloon on their birthday. 

You sat there with your eyes closed. The low hum of the ceiling fan and the soft whispers of Felix’s voice. Somewhere in the new testament, something about Jesus and the damnation of hell. 

The damnation of hell was eternal. Hot flames lick your skin, but there is no ice to soothe the burn. Skin shrivels and crisps and no matter how much you try, it just won’t disappear. Forever and ever, a seal of God’s abandonment. A testament that you’re just not good enough in his eyes. 

Life is hard and religion can be confusing. So many devotions and deities. Some say sit and others say stay. Everyone always says theirs is the right one, but which one truly is right? Which one saves you from the flames?

“Felix?” Your eyes fluttered open as you mumbled his name. His soft whispers didn’t stop. Too absorbed in the word, he didn’t hear you. He stayed focused until you shifted and called his name louder. 

“Hmm?” The bible slid down. His thumbs pressed down on the pages to hold the book open. “I thought you were asleep.” 

“How do you believe in God?” 

“Huh?” His head shifted. 

“How do you believe?” You uttered again. “How do you know it’s real?” 

“Because God loves everyone. God’s love is unchanging and it’s unconditional.” 

You shook your head, pushed off the blankets, and sat up. “How do you truly know? How do you stop it from feeling so silly? How do you believe in God when it feels fake?” 

His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “When it feels fake? What do you mean?” He studied your body language. Your arms had curled around your torso. You looked so vulnerable as you eyed the book in his hands. “Oh.” 

He knew you often struggled. Dating someone who didn’t quite believe the same way as you could push a bit of a challenge at times. The two of you often did an unsteady dance. Most of the time, he kept his religion to himself. You asked here and there, but he never wanted to make you uncomfortable. 

“How do you believe in a God when it feels like everything is falling apart? When the world is crumbling, when people are cruel, when they’re getting hurt; how do you live with it?” 

You didn’t mean to pour it onto him like this. You didn’t mean to grieve and to seem so weak, but what else could you do? Empathy pooled and rather than living on earth, it felt more like living in the pits of hell. 

Another life lost to murder. Another hate crime because to some, skin color isn’t just skin, it’s a sin. Another kid forced into the ugly hands of the world because of who they love. 

The degradation and damnation of a woman. Just an object. A thing. A toy. A hole. A whore. 

Where was God when children went to bed crying and bleeding due to monsters within their households? When dogs were kicked in the ribs by strangers in the middle of nowhere? When a duct-tape cardboard box, full of kittens with sparkling eyes; a box full of vibrancy, was reduced to nothingness as it sank beneath the the top of a bubbling swamp? 

How do you believe when it all spirals out of control? When the darkness blinds you and no matter how much you try to take it off, you can’t fix a severed optic nerve. There is nothing that can restore the sight once the nerve is severed.

“I have hope,” Felix finally uttered. “I read this,” he gently shook the bible, “and I try to do what’s right. In the bible, Jesus is a sinless human, but we’re not like that. We’re bound to sin and fall into temptation at one point or another.” 

“But we’re made flawless in God’s image. So why does…” Your voice cut off as a lump formed in your throat. 

You knew it was dumb. He believed what he believed and that was that. It wasn’t your place to change it, but you just didn’t understand. How could someone so easily pretend that everything was okay? The world was on fire. Sin was everywhere. How didn’t it hurt him as much as it hurt you? 

“I have those days too, you know.” He shifted the thin black string that was glued into the book binding. The thick book closed with a soft thud. The string marked the last page he was on.

“There’s a lot of nasty stuff out there, so I read the bible. I utter prayers and I believe because I have to believe that something happens to cruel people. I have to believe that the monsters will get what they deserve when it’s all said and done.” 

“I’m not perfect and I don’t claim to be. In fact, I don’t want to be perfect. I want to be flawed, I want to be forced to change, I want to be challenged, so I can grow. What is this life if not a constant chance to stride to be better? To do more? To be a decent person?” 

One of his hands slipped into yours. Warm fingers curled around your palm and his thumb slid along the backside of your hand. “Some days, it’s a lot for me too. I think there’s a lot we don’t understand, but this makes sense for me.” 

“You really believe that sinning sends you to hell?” 

“I don’t think God will send you to hell if you tell a little white lie now and then, but I think he will if you like to be an asshole on a daily basis. I don’t know for sure, I’m not God. This book has been rewritten so many times, but I like to think that the theme is the same.” 

“I worry that the deceased people I love are burning. I worry that they’re lost on the other side somehow. I worry about death. I worry about…” Your eyes slipped shut, but a tear fell through. “I worry about everything.”

“You don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not. One of the greatest things about life is that you can pick whatever you want. You can be who you want to be and believe in whatever you want to. You don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not.” He reached up and gently wiped the tear with his thumb. 

“You’re not going to break up with me and damn me to hell if I don’t believe in your god?” Your eyes opened to face him. 

A small smile tugged at his face and he shook his head. “That’s not who I am. As long as you’re not being a jerk and you’re happy, then why should I care? It’s not up to me to control you and you shouldn’t let anyone dictate things like that.” 

“You’ve got a good heart and a good head on your shoulders.” His hand reached up towards your face. Your breath caught in your throat and you fell hard into that pool of warm molasses. 

The sweetness of honey, warm molasses, and gentle understanding. Why couldn’t we have more of it? The kindness, the selflessness, the happiness that one inspired in others? As you stared into his eyes, you wished more people could be like him. 

“I want you to be happy. If you want to ask questions about God, I’ll try to answer them. If you don’t, that’s okay too.” He shrugged, “it’s not a big deal.” 

“How do you stay so positive when there’s so much evil in the world?” 

“I want no part of it. I like to think that maybe if I’m kind and I treat people how I want to be treated, maybe it’ll make a difference somewhere. Maybe I’ll change someone somewhere. The world could use more kindness.” 

His hand gently cupped your cheek. More tears were slipping out and he brushed them away. “There’s a lot of evil in this world, but there’s a lot of goodness too. Kindness doesn’t have to be some huge thing. It can be gifted to people in a variety of ways.” 

���Like yesterday,” he smiled, “a little girl was outside with a lemonade stand. She made signs and everything. I bought a cup of lemonade and then put a little extra money in her tip jar.”  

“She was excited and she said she was raising money for a new bike. She was so excited, she took off into her house with her pigtails bobbling.” He laughed at the memory of it. “It was so cute and it was just a simple thing, you know?” 

“That’s really sweet,” you finally responded with a sniffle. You reached up and brushed away another tear. The story pulled you from your darkened thoughts for a brief moment. 

“Life doesn’t always have to be so bad. Little things like that make a tiny difference in someone else’s life. You never know who you’ll meet or what life you’ll change with actions like that. Kindness is the best superpower that a person can have.” 

“Kindness isn’t a superpower.” 

“Hey! To me it is! I’m going to get a cape and everything. Put a logo right here.” He pounded on his chest with a fist. “Anyone can be a superhero with some kindness and understanding.” 

“Uh-huh.” 

His eyes narrowed at the sarcasm. “You don’t believe me? Hmm, that’s funny because if I said that I could cheer you up even more by offering to make my brownies…” 

“Anyone can be a superhero with kindness.” You nodded vigorously and quickly wiggled away. You squirmed to the edge of the bed and stood up. “Right, okay, let’s go.” 

He grinned and put his bible to the side. He started walking towards the door, but he stopped when your wrist captured his. A face of confusion met yours and you leaned forward. 

The sweetness of honey, warm molasses, and gentle understanding; it radiated through your body as your lips met his. 

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Taglist: @lina-linny @straykidsstanforeverandever @seungnishi @stellasays45

Masterlist

Taglist and inbox rules

[newbbystay]

Love you Lie!! I am more than happy to reblog, comment, and like stuff!! You are amazing and I am so excited to see where you will go!! 🩵

Ways to support the writer:

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This is entirely different from what I usually post, but some of you have been seeking ways to give back. All of this is entirely optional and your choice. You can literally ignore this if you wish, it really doesn't matter.

The first thing that you can do, most of you already do it. Liking and reposting my stuff is the simplest thing you can do. It's free, it's easy, it takes two seconds, and it makes me happy. There's literally a pinned post at the top of my page that talks about how I want to eventually be a published author.

I still have a long way to go and my writing isn't perfect, but when you repost my stuff, I stalk your pages. Sometimes I find pages and I follow them because I like the stuff they post. Sometimes I'm snoopy and anonymously sneak into your inboxes. Plus, that shares my posts with your followers and exposure truly is everything in the writing industry. It can help make or break you.

If you want to go further than that, you can comment on my stuff. Most of the time, I usually respond to comments. I absolutely love reading your comments. It makes my heart so warm and so happy. Even if you hate the drabble because it makes you upset or causes you to cry, I love it. I love knowing that the words I write made an impact in your brain. It makes me so excited and, unfortunately, I don't have a photo of the serotonin that it provides me, so you'll just have to believe my words.

Once again, this is entirely just an option. People were asking, so I did it. This isn't me holding a gun to your head and forcing you into anything. This isn't me starting up commissions either because I have a fear of being sued by JYP and you shouldn't have to pay for your drabbles.

That being said, I opened up a Ko-fi. If you so choose to send anything in, it's going back into writing. It'll be used to buy pretty notebooks and gel pens. Maybe a coffee every now and then because I love writing and sipping coffee.

It'll also probably go towards the laptop fund I've been putting money into. I have to purchase a new laptop because guess who was crying while writing and broke two keys via accident? That's what happens when you angrily press the keys with blurry vision.

You guys don't know it, but I love taking notes. I have a large pile of notebooks and sticky notes. One of my favorite things to do is make lists and then cross them off as I complete each task. It brings me mass amounts of serotonin. Every new story I write, I create messy drafts in notebooks and I fill them with conversations I want the characters to have with each other. It's super fun and a good way for me to get the story on paper.

This doesn't really change anything. I'll still be here and writing when I have the time. My inbox is always open. You're still my lab rats and I truly do cherish your support. From the likes and comments on drabbles, to reading my full-length stories on Wattpad and Ao3, you have no idea how much you mean to me.

So thank you for sticking around and thank you for believing in me and my writing!! Who knows what the future holds, but I have no doubt that it'll be even brighter with your support.

<3 Lie

[newbbystay]

@lieslab

Thanks for the update! It's nice to hear from you!

I always appreciate mental health support, Lord knows everyone needs some. I am excited to read what you have.

And I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. I can't even imagine the pressure you've got. Please remember to take care of yourself too.

You are so loved. 🩵

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Tomorrow starts the beginning of a new week. So starting tomorrow, I get to organize and begin writing all your drabble submissions. If you submitted stuff, thank you!! Please be aware that I'll be going back and forth between writing your submissions and pre-planned stuff on my end. If you don't see your submission right away, be aware that it's coming, but it'll likely take a few weeks. Your stuff is coming, I promise.

I'm figuring out how to be an adult in the middle of writing drabbles and not to be dramatic, but it's truly incredibly hard. It's especially harder when you're stuck in a situation that's really shitty for your mental health. Not to mention, finding a career can be tough when you're constantly bouncing around new ideas. Not having a healthy support system is another issue.

There's a big reason why I write so much about mental health and how important it is. I never want to stop writing about mental health. So within the upcoming weeks, please don't be surprised if you find a few more fics focused more on mental health.

I call the people that read my stuff lab rats and joke around and whatnot, but I truly hope all of you are taking care of yourselves. It's getting darker earlier and I know this time of year is when people's happiness starts to fade a bit. The lack of sun and the bitter air can do a number on some. The temperature is dropping and bleh.

At some point, I'm going to be dropping a huge list of websites for everyone to use. I've been writing about mental health and there are a lot of super helpful websites out there that can shed light on a variety of different mental health issues. Whether it's struggling with depression or anxiety, spiraling out of control in a manic episode, or fighting the urge to end it all, there's a ton of resources out there.

Plus, some just offer some helpful advice on how to cope with things. I know not everyone has access and can afford therapy. Some people have families that don't believe in therapists. Others simply can't afford it. No matter what your situation is, you still deserve love and support.

So let's try to survive the colder months together, yeah? Despite the grey and gloom, spring will still come. There are warm bowls of soup between the littering trees. There's happiness in scented fall candles and the holidays are starting to creep up. If you enjoy the colder months, spend them well.

If you're like me and you hate them, there will always be another rainbow. We'll count the blessing as they come and continue to fight against the urge to dive beneath warm blankets and hibernate through it all. We've done it before and we can do it again.

Thank you so much for staying patient and willingly being part of my madness,

<3 Lie

[newbbystay]

We're not going anywhere @lieslab ! We love you so much!!!

Your writing gives me comfort and I cannot thank you enough. The first time I read one of your pieces, (SKZ finds out you're not eating/struggling with self harm/battling suicide), I wasn't doing great mentally. Not the first time and not the last. But reading these, it felt like a warm hug.

Someone out there could put my feelings that I keep down on "paper". Someone understands and is still here too!! I didn't feel so alone anymore.

My depression and bipolar will always be a struggle but it's really comforting to know that someone really understands and cares. Outside of the doctors, nurses and family.

Thank you for letting us know what is going on. This is not selfish at all and I am so proud of you for doing this. The last thing I want is for you to stop writing. Even if it's not for us.

AND CONGRATULATIONS ON THE CREATOR PROGRAM!!!! I am so excited to see where you will go!!

In conclusion: Thank you and I will be waiting for you.

- Hales 🩵

To the future and beyond:

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Well, this is new. I keep sitting here staring blankly at my laptop screen, typing, deleting, typing, deleting, typing, and deleting again. I've been trying to figure out how to pour out my heart without coming across as selfish. I know my actions aren't selfish, but I'm afraid that it will come across that way and that's not my intention at all.

I used to update this account with new drabbles multiple times a week, but now I seem to struggle to upload once a week. Life is taking a toll again, but not necessarily in a bad way. It's more like, I'm growing up. I'm having more and more adult responsibilities that I never had before.

My work just added more hours for me to work. I'm trying to work through college classes. I've mentioned before that I have a younger sibling that I parent. Plus, I try to work in time to write and it's all just so much. Honestly, it's too much.

I get requests and I love them, but lately I feel bad because I can never seem to keep up. Because of that, unfortunately, this is the announcement that from now on requests will be closed. I've emptied out my inbox. To everyone who already requested something and I've responded to you, your drabbles are still coming. After they're posted, if you have another request, I won't be taking it at this time.

I know that sucks and I hate to do that, but it's not fair for either of us. It's not fair for you to have to wait a long time for something you want to read and enjoy. It's not fair for me to have to try and pull something together and half-ass it either.

After I finish all my requests, I'll probably still be here, just a bit quieter. I'd like to go back to posting stuff that I get inspiration for in the spur of the moment. I never post that stuff anymore because I feel guilty posting it when I have requests to do.

I want to start writing longer series and posting them for you to enjoy all at once. If you really like my writing and crave my stories, I still update full length fics five days a week. You can find the current one here.

I know it sucks, but I think it's a great way to give you higher quality writing, better stories, and who knows what I might add in the future. I think it'd be amazing to have some sort of interactive fic or create full-length trailers for each one, so you know what you're getting into.

This really is my passion and I love the band a lot. I don't want to entirely stop writing drabbles, just give you better ones. It's always been my goal to become a published author. Writing fanfic has made me better and believe it or not, it's actually opened up an amazing opportunity for me.

Because I spent so much time writing full-length fanfics, I qualified for a creator program which has a ton of resources to help grow my writing. It's the most amazing thing and it's such an honor and a privilege. I don't want it to slip through my fingers.

So while I study more resources, try to grow and expand my writing, all my old drabbles will still be here. My inbox will still be open, just not for requests. Please try not to be too hurt by this. There will probably be times in the future when I still open my requests, but for brief periods of time only.

I'm doing this to save myself stress and anxiety, to better my future, and to give you better content. I know you're strangers on the internet, but you really have become my safe space. You have no idea, but some of my drabbles are based upon my own struggles.

This is my haven and this truly does feel like home. More content will be coming your way soon, please just give it time. That's all I have and that's all I wanted to say. Thank you for reading and if you choose to stick around, thank you. I can't wait to see what this writing journey will bring and I can't wait to bring you with me.

<3 Lie