#love them if they die Mike I will find you and I will ugly cry right in front of you | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

dirtytransmasc · 2 years ago

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you wanna know what's been pissing me off lately. the ending of stranger things, cause listen.

I want the end to break me, I want it to hurt me and make me feel empty so I never want to go back and watch it again. I don't want a happy ending, I want a bittersweet ending. I want everyone to come out scathed, some not coming back at all. I want everyone to only get part of a happy ending. I want closure, but I don't want it to be good closure, I want it to be scarred and ugly.

I want to see characters mourn, I want to see characters die, I want to see characters break. I want the consequences of 4 years of saving the world, only for it to fail, of an apocalypse, of layer and layers of scars and trials bonds to culminate into this absolute disaster; of teens barely able to function or move on cause they're stuck in this anxiety ridden mindset, adults who are numb from watching their kids die, young adults broken by loss. all of them wheels of their past selves.

but I know if the duffers choose to go this route, it's gonna fall flat. it's gonna be cheap and cliche and meaningless. they will find a way to take the dignity from every character, to support a story narrative they lost back in season two. Like here's some examples of what I'd like to see (if done right) and how they'll screw it up;

killing off Steve - it would be a moment to show his bond with robin, solidifying how he was the rock of the group keeping everyone together, and giving him a final heartfelt moment with Dustin and robin since they didn't give him one last season. - the duffers would probably make it about stancy, or they would just let Steve die and make it have little impact on the two that matter in, robin and Dustin would probably be kept away from it since they 'dont matter's to his narrative anymore.

killing off robin - it could serve as a great moment between her and Nancy, having robin sacrifice herself, telling Nancy she's pretty as she dies. or it could be a moment with her and Steve, the moment that breaks him, that makes him feel empty. - let's be honest the duffers would probably bait ronance and then kill robin off last second, it'd be very bury your gays type™ vibes.

killing off Will or El (personally I don't think they can both survive, and I think it's gonna be El. the story started without her, she inadvertently started this, so she has to end it by leaving. I don't like it but I think it makes sense) - it would be a parallel ending, the opposite of the beginning. it could pack some great depth to the story, leaving everyone heartbroken. it would driven by sacrifice, not for love (romantic) but for family. imagine it coming down to the two of them, oke having to sacrifice themselves for everyone. the two hugging one another, both planning to sacrifice themselves, sharing one heartfelt moment (aka forehead touch, holding each other's heads, will crying and El just smiling at him sadly. as it comes down to the wire one of them makes the sacrifice before the other. then it's over, all of it, and who ever survived is just shattered. - the duffers would make it about love, either El doing it for Mike so she could be his 'superhere' undoing any progress shes made, or Will and having it be unrequited byler.

killing off mike - will and El deciding one of them has to sacrifice themselves and Mike wanting to save the love of his life (will) and his best friend (El) decides to do it for them. he has his last moments with both of them (byler kiss? byler forehead touch at the very least + finally breaking it off with El, but in a positive freeing sort of way. closure) and he makes it seem like he's saying goodbye to them, like he's accepted hell lose one or both, but then he takes their place at the last second, a last act of love for the two of them. - the duffers would make it about El, and the only screen time Will would get in this scenario is yet another fo of unrequited byler.

end of the world - they lose, they lose and theres no fixing it. it's this numb huddle of kids, teens, young adults, and actual adults. they've accepted death, they're all so tired of fighting. Steve's holding robin and Dustin, Nancy's clinging to Jonathan and Robin, argyles holding Jonathan's hand. the original kids crew is huddled together. Lucas, Max (I'll come back to her), and El are saying their goodbye. Nathan is hugging his mom. Joyce and hopper are struggling to stay strong. Murray drunk himself half to death, because as crazy as he is, he's scared to die. it's just numb and cold. - the duffers would fuck this up in so many ways. it wouldn't be about family or goodbyes, I wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't turn into an end of the world fuck fest to be completely honest.

max waking up or dying - if max wakes up, it would be a fight, El would be at her bedside every days trying to find a way to save her, and she does, she does find a way, but it Ekans sacrificing herself. at that point she's already super close to Lucas, they're best friends (if I'm being self indulgent, they're unofficially in a polycule dynamic) and she tells him she can save max, at the cost of her own life. and Lucas knows El would be happier giving her own life for max, that she's so selfless she would rather die and let max live then to keep sitting there watching her. but at the same time he doesn't want to let her go, he doesn't want to lose either of them. but eventually she convinces him, at least enough that he doesn't try and stop her. she goes through with it, but not before having a moment with Lucas and leaving a note for Max. and when she does sacrifice herself, she gets to see max one last time, and they're both heartbroken (elmax kiss/romantic gesture of some sort? maybe, sue me for wanting healthy romantic moments when they're done right). if she dies, if El can't save her, seeing El and Lucas mourn together, but also accepting she's Ina better place, she's with her brother and her mom. that her suffering is over. having this bittersweet bond - the duffers would use Max for some sort of ableist caricature. El and Lucas wouldn't be allowed to truly bond. whether she lives or dies I doubt the duffers would allow her and max to bond, cause people are shipping them now.

I could do a million of these.

like I don't want a happy ending, and I don't think we're getting one, but I'm not expecting it to be done well.

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owaowabetch · 4 years ago

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Minecraft pt. 1 (Sykkuno x F!Reader)

Oneshot (maybe part of a series??? idk we’ll see): Even though you’ve never played minecraft, you still manage to build a great house with your basement buddy. Friendship with a hint of romance. This is season 1 of the OTV ftb server (Pre-relationship; part of Uh-oh & Impasta)

“Ok guys, so today’s stream is going to be a lil different” You chat to your stream “We are going to be playing Minecraft with the OTV gang and other people we’ve played among us with!” Waiting for Minecraft to load on your pc, you continued on chatting “We will be playing GTA later on in the stream, we have a few jobs lined up with some people, so hopefully we get a lot of money from that”

You minimized your face cam into a corner as your character appeared in a random spawn area near quite a few people. You saw multiple boxy players run around and hitting each other. So, you walked around picking up flowers and with the help of some members of your chat, you managed to collect wood.

“OH! HEY Y/N!!” A loud crunchy voice yelled terribly into your ear causing you to cringe visible and immediately start hitting them with the wood in your hand.

“Your mic is dank man” You continue hitting them, which turned out to be Leslie and she starts to hit you back with a laugh. You guess her flowered hand overpowered your wood and hungry state, because you died and respawned to where you first showed up.

“Ah fuck” You complained before another boxy figure showed up infront of you and you recognized the blue shirt and green striped scarf, so you cheered. “Sykkuno!”

“Hey, Y/N!” His character moved his head up and down “What happened? How did you die?”

“Leslie’s mike was..crunchy?? And then she killed me!” You jump around

Sykkuno laughs “What? I’m surprised mobs havent got you. I’ve been killed many times by them” and in comedic fashion poki ran by screaming for help as she was being chased by a giant spider. You both watched as she would turn and hit it before continuing on her run.

It killed her. She puffed into smoke and in her place was a grave.

You both laugh as Sykkuno gasps out her name and you both run to her grave.

“Is this part of the mod? Or is it part of minecraft” You ask crouching on her grave and read her name.

He jumped around you with an answer “ Uh no it’s a mod that abe put in. If you break it the stuff you died with will spawn out”

“Oh” Continuing the crouch and uncrouch “What now?”

“Well i was going to find some of my graves, but I’m gunna find wood to make tools and find food” He answered and with that you decided to follow him

You collect the fruit from the near by trees and kill some of the animals with an axe that Sykkuno made you. Along the way you collected flowers and wood.

“We should find a house before it gets dark and more mobs come and kill us” Sykkuno walks to you then throws a stack of wood on the floor “Or maybe you build us a house. I’m not good at that type of thing”

You stare into your cam and do the debbie ryan “Oh my god, living together?” You pick up the stack of wood and start building a small house “Is that good?”

“Ya, that’s great! I’ll put the door down and I got us some beds, so we now have a spawn point. So when we die we just end up here” He explains doing so

Nodding along to what he said, you start putting the flowers you collected around the house before entering the house. He put the beds down next to each other. Making sure to mute yourself, you do the finger point and with a ‘tch’ sound you smile “ Oh my God Chat! Our beds are next to each other !?! How crazy. Heehee”

The house was lit up with torches. “Click on the bed” He tells you and you do so. Your characters laid there side by side and your chat was hearing you make embarrassing noises. “Chat better not be telling him how embarrassing I’m being please. This is a desparate plea for you guys not to tell him!! Like Im joking guys please” With a laugh, your character gets off the bed and you walk out.

“Oh!” In Sykkuno’s hand was a flower “I noticed you picking up flowers and I know that [Flower/Name] is your favorite, so i picked some up for you”

You can’t stop the smile that appears on your face nor the flush on your cheeks “You are so fucking cute”

“Wha-?” You interrupt him “This is so sweet, honestly Sy.”

He throws them on the ground “It’s no problem. Just saw them and remembered how much you liked them “ and you pick them up, putting them at the entrance of the door “I love it!!! Thank You Sykkuno!!”

He hums and jumps around. You check chat, when a donation comes in telling you to check it, and read that he was purposefully was looking for the flowers because he knows how much you would’ve loved them. You don’t believe them at first, telling them that while he is nice, going around looking for a flower doesn’t seem like a productive thing to do. So, someone from your chat sent a clip of him telling his viewers that he was looking for your favorite flower to give to you. His excuse was that this as your first time playing minecraft, so he wanted you to enjoy it and thought it would be a great present until he can find diamonds.

“Guys! No!! That is so sweet!” You cry out blushing even further

“Hey guys!” A voice called out. A voice you immediately recognized to be Liliy’s “Come look at my house!” Looking up you see her stood further up from the both of you. She started making her way down and gasped “Are those [F/N]!?! Where did you find these! The look so pretty!”

“Yea” You jumping once more “Aren’t they cool?”

“YES! Can I have one?” She asked standing next to them “Is this your house? I love the flowers around them”

“I guess this is where we live now” You respond

“Both?” Lily questioned “You and Sykkuno are living together!?!”

“Yea! He actually gave me the [F/N]s, so you can’t..have them..” You respond to her awkwardly

Lily turns to Sykkuno and hits his character “You fucking simp”

He gasps “Lily” but she ignores him “I’ll take a different flower as a housewarming gift. Now follow me!”

“Y/N, why don’t you go see it while I gather up more materials” Sykkuno told you

You follow her up the small mountain? And there laid her pink house and you gasped “There is pink wood!?!”

“Yea, you just need pink dye. I have a bunch left if you want some” She offered you

“I don’t know if Sykkuno would want to live in a pink house” You enter her house and notice chests and peak into them

“He’d want what you want so just go for it.” She places the flower she took from your house next to hers. “Those chests belong to other people, but here’s mine.” She hits the chest in her house “I think i have like 20 of the pink wood left, so you can just take the rest”

You took the stack from her chest “Awesome! Your house is nice! It’s big too! I’d have to remake our house into something bigger”

“Yea, it’s kinda ugly since it isn’t pink” She tells you causing you to laugh

“It was a last minute thing to hid in during the night” Holding the pink wood in your hand “I’ll probably look up some building tips and stuff later to make a cool place, but thanks Lily!”

You hung out in her house talking with people as they came and went as Lily went to find more flowers to surround her house in. Though someone interesting came in, wearing the generic steve skin with a slightly creepy face.

“Hey Miyoung!” Lily called from out her house

“Hi Lily” She responded “I’m just letting you know I’m putting a death trap in your home. Please don’t tell the victims”

You snorted in amusement “Can I help with that?”

She moves towards you in her crouched state, so you respond in kind. You both just stared at each other in your crouched position circling each other “Okay, so I have a bucket of oil, so I want to dig a hole in the ground and push people into it”

Nodding your head “Clean, my chat was telling me that there is a trapped door, so why not put one on the ground above it and just have people walk in it?”

“We should also put a sign down there, so as they’re slowly sinking to their death, there’ll be a sign that mocks them” Nodding her characters head “I have some signs already, I’ll make the trapped door”

Taking a shovel from your hotbar, you dig a hole 6 blocks down, digging the other side as you make your way down. You then walk to the other side and start to make your way up.

“You should leave an open space for the sign, maybe 2 blocks open?” Miyoung tells you as she eyes you from above. You jump out of the hole you created and shovel 2 dirt blocks. She places a sign down and covers it up with a wood plank that matches the floor of Lily’s house “Wait I need to put the oil down”

So, she breaks the floor once more and jumps in to put the oil in before making her way back up. “I just put RIP on the sign, I think it’ll help them realize that they will die, so..”

“Alright clean clean” You jump around and watch as she places a trap door on the floor above it and placing a sign in front of it.

“We should probably look for victims” Miyoung tells you

You make your character swing their arm around towards the chests in Lily’s home “Well people have stuff in here, so maybe we should wait for someone to come in to grab something and lure them”

“Sounds good” She says and as she says this Sykkuno comes barging in.

“Hey y/n!” He cheers “Oh hey Miyoung! Lily told me that she has a bucket in her chest that she’ll let me borrow. So, I’m just trying to find her chest. Don’t mind me” He rifles through them “Can’t seem to find them “

You open the trap door and look at him before he turns to you two “Oh is it in here?” and down he goes. “Oh!? IS THIS A TRAP”

You start giggling as he starts to panic laugh “y/n? miyoung? Help!”

You both just crouch above him and stare as he slowly sinks “Guys, any help? please? y/n?”

Miyoung just closes the trap door and walks away and in the little chat says that Sykkuno died in due to [Sticky Dipping], so you type in an apology as you make your way back towards the house. You meet him and apologize to him once again.

“It’s no problem. It was actually kind of funny, but check in the chest I have in the house. I got some more stuff for you for the house” He tells you “I’m gunna go back to get my stuff and the bucket, so i’ll catch you later!”

“Alright, see ya Sy!” You cheer back to him and make your way into the house.”Alright chat, let’s see what he gave us! I’m not reading what you guys, say so no spoilers~”

You open the wooden box and inside were more pink wood planks, glass, stairs, torches, other house materials to make building easier, and some more of your favorite flowers.

You feel your chest tighten as the butterflies appear in your stomach. You smile largely and giddy, opening and closing your mouth trying to gather the words to express how you felt, you were pleasantly surprised by the things he left you.

You wanted to squeal at how nice he is. It is hard to come across a genuinely nice guy that wanted nothing but friendship with you. So, it was easy to fall for Sykkuno; but it was hard to admit to yourself your growing feelings for him, because love is scary and being in love with your friend is even scarier. Once those feelings come out, you can’t take them back and things just become different. So, it is safe to say that you’ll be keeping them to yourself.

“By the way” Sykkuno starts causing you to jump in real life, as you were sat pondering to yourself “The server is making a town square a few blocks away, so why don’t we move the house there?”

You start collecting the items in your inventory “Yea! Are you going to need help carrying the rest of the stuff there?”

He starts breaking the items in your old home “If you have the room for some that’ll be great! yea!”

Once you both gathered the things you wanted to take, you guys bound towards where the Town Square was being made.

“Oh! By the way, can I request you build a basement for me in our house?” Sykkuno asks

The thought of him referring to the house as ‘ours’ made you smile “Yea, but can I ask why you want one?”

“Don’t worry. I won’t build anything that’ll blow up our house” Sykkuno dodges the question

‘Our’ house. Maybe one day that can be a real life possibility. You couldn’t contain the smile growing on your face even further. Maybe one day you’ll have the courage to tell him how you feel.

As you start building near Leslie’s house, a thought suddenly pops into your head ‘Sykkuno there is a girl into you’

#sykkuno x reader #sykkuno x y/n #sykkuno fanfic #sykkuno imagines #corpse x reader #corpse imagines #youtubers x reader

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gothhobbithoe · 2 years ago

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Spoilers for Season 4!

Just some of my thoughts about this infamous Vol 2:

What I Liked:

Murray needs a flamethrower more often this was amazing

Jason getting cut in half by the portal to hell was the karma he deserved

Also side rant Literal portals to hell open in Hawkins: The Townsfolk: Damn what a funky earthquake

Loved the “Alien Resurrection vibe of the Demodogs lab like the atmosphere was amazing

And the joint winners of “ Best reunion” is Joyce and Hopper along with El and Hopper, THE FAMILY IS COMPLETE !!!

Eddie smiling at doing crimes is the best thing I’ve seen all season

The imagery of the Upside Down leaking into Hawkins was so hauntingly beautiful i got goosebumps so much

That fight scene with Hopper and the Demogorgon was honestly amazing

I love Steve’s “Nugget” dream it’s so cute (but why did he have to be like damn Nancy we need 6 kids)

Loved the weapons making scene so much, Dustin and Eddie were so sweet i hate what happened

What I didn’t like:

I’m still so confused as to why Max’s “death” caused the portals to open. Vecna didn’t finish his job yet, he didn’t fully kill her because her eyes didn’t get smushed in. She died from her injuries but wasn’t fully vecna’d so technically Vecna didn’t get his fourth kill.

Eddie’s death was honestly so unneeded. If they wanted Eddie to die they could have better orchestrated it. Also the “we’re not heroes line” kind of let us know that Eddie was going to die it wasn’t a surprise which meant that if they were doing it for shock value that wasn’t even done right! STOP KILLING OFF LOVABLE SIDE CHARACTERS YOU JUST INTRODUCED US TO TO ENSURE THAT THE “MAIN CHARATCERS” ARE UNTOUCHABLE!

Also hate that after Eddie died we didn’t see anyone apart from Dustin or his Uncle mourn him, like surely Steve would have shed at least a tear? Mike coming home to find his mentor and big brother figure died? His death made me ugly cry btw

Will’s character was butchered so badly this season. Like he’s just turned back into season 3 “touch neck and be scared” Will again. Everything was done so badly, like we all know that you are too cowardly to make Will being gay canon stop hinting that he’s gay make it canon and stop being cowards you were able to do that for Robin why was it so hard to do for Will!!!! JUSTICE FOR WILL

I do not like how they did Robin and Vicky they could have done this in so so many better ways that just “haha my bf left me and I’m just like you because i blurt out words”

Hated hated hated how they are trying to make Stancy a thing now after pushing so hard for Jancy like wtf maybe Nancy doesn’t want to be with either with them! Stop pushing this love triangle it’s been going on for 4 seasons now!!!

#yes i came off ranty i just am very enthusiastic #stranger things 4 #stranger things 4 vol 2 #stranger things 4 spoilers

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fanmoose12 · 3 years ago

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Hello again It is me the worried anon about their fanfic. Actually, I am so grateful for your feedback, I thought about sharing more with you? If this annoys you, tell me in your next reply, I will stop immediately and I will fully understand it. I hope you are ok with my being my exclusive reader if that is not too weird? Here I go with another part: I don’t know exactly why I am writing what I have already experienced years ago; is it my habit to organize my thoughts whenever I feel lost? Is it the need to remind myself how I became who I am now? May be all of them together? Where should I start? I guess I will record the beginning of all this. At the age of 6, I started talking about people I never met, I said names I never heard and called people in my sleep while crying and screaming whom I never knew. My parents thought that I was another scared child of whatever scares children at this age and ignored my actions. I grew older and the dreams became more violent, the faces became more recognizable, the names started to ring bells that only I could hear and it became even harder to pretend that I don’t experience all that.

My parents decided to consult a psychologist who silently listened to my story of how I was seeing grown up people fighting scary huge creatures; they were eaten, tortured and killed brutally even when they fought back. I described this hellish world as well as I could only to be diagnosed with hallucinations and early signs of schizophrenia. That’s when I learned the first lesson but not the last lesson in my life. Never share what you saw with anyone but yourself.

Ever since I was young, despite all the nightmares, I have always found my peace wherever there were books, plants or both, and I was such a friendly dork who longed for friends but never had one. I met some children and made some fleeting memories but once I started getting used to them, they would never show interest in my friendship again, well, I can’t blame them now if all my drawings were huge ugly smiling creatures eating little screaming humans, can I? My parents had enough of my madness and I was sent to a mental institution where I was under observation for months without being given real medication due to how young I was. Luckily, the doctors noticed that I was younger than the usual age when schizophrenic patients show any reliable signs ; My parents never visited me though, they called once a week but never cared to show up even on my birthday in September I received a short call to remind me that I became 10 years old and that they love me and that’s it. I stayed there for six month which I spent reading, digging in the small garden of the institution, getting scolded by the nurses, reading and digging again and the life went on. The doctor who was responsible for my case was fascinated by my behavior, he made sure to test my mental state and abilities quite often and I remember his kind and impressed smile after every test, it filled me with joy and pride even if didn’t say it often and that’s when I started to understand that I was exceptionally smart. He kept testing me whenever he had a chance using games, questions, tests and after each session, I got a new book. He became my one and only friend in a place where I was the youngest resident they ever had. He kept trying to ask me about my dreams but I learned my lesson by then and so I denied everything I said earlier with the most innocent and clueless smile I could give. He could never succeed and always smiled accepted my lies with a kind yet disappointed smile.

I spent my days there doing the same things on daily bases or at least that’s how it looked like… Alone in my room, I learned even more from my nightmares. There was a beautiful blond girl called Nanaba, a very tall blond man called Mike, another tall blond man called Erwin and another man called moblit but the most interesting of all was a short, grumpy yet very strong man called Levi. My 10 years old self memorized the names and faces but didn’t have enough memories to know who they were back then until this fateful night when the fire broke out in the floor where I stayed. I still shudder whenever I remember this moment.

Fire scares every living being no matter how fearless they are, we all can agree on this fact but in my case, I was beyond terrified. I was literally burning…alive.

It was as if I was teleported to a different world. I was flying up in the air. The scary giant creatures were there but with a major difference. They were radiating heat and flames, it was impossible to avoid them if you were close enough and yet, I was so close to them that I felt the heat on my skin without touching them. I managed to kill one Then another Then another I was a lot older than myself then, I was stressed, worried and in pain. I kept on slicing the back of their nicks though. After the fourth one, the fire caught my clothes. The last one in the first row who was about to destroy a weird looking plane forced me to ignore the flames that started to burn the ends of strange clothes. I had to kill him or everything will be lost…. The fifth went down. He didn’t fall alone this time; I started to feel the burning sensation climbing my body, getting more and more painful with each passing moment, I screamed when I could not take the pain anymore, I didn’t know for how long I kept falling or screaming. Everything ended as it started, suddenly. I opened my eyes to find myself in another room. No burns, No fire, No scary huge creatures. Dr Ethan, the friendly doctor who kept my stay in the institution as enjoyable as possible was looking at me with an obvious relief on his face: Hana? How are you feeling now? Can you see me and hear me? I looked at my left hand that was wrapped carefully: I am fine Dr, my hand! The fire…What happened?

He kept the same kind smile: it is ok now Hana…You are safe now…your hand was burned when you tried to push the door to escape; only your palm but it wasn’t too serious. I tried to push the door? What door? When?

I asked: I don’t remember that? Where are my parents? Can I call them? My young self could not think of anyone but them at that moment even if they didn’t. I hoped that would be enough for them to take me home. Dr Ethan remained silent for a few seconds then said: Hana…you fainted because of the smoke you inhaled…you have been very brave trying to open the window and even push the door to save yourself…you are impressive as usual but you need to rest now. I remember how angry and scared I was: Dr Ethan I want mommy! I want to tell them that I was going to die! I remember that it was the first time in those six months to cry like the real child I was; I was terrified, confused, tired and scared.

He tried to maintain the same smile: Hana, it is too late at night now…you should sleep and we will call them the first thing in the morning, I promise.

I couldn’t say anything…I nodded quietly so that I can be alone, I didn’t want anyone around me, I only wanted my parents. After he left the room, I kept sobbing silently all night until I learned another harsh lesson in the morning. That's another part of it, I hope my asks don't annoy you, Remember you can always be as honest as you want, I really appreciate your feedback as much as I love your work.

omg don't feel sorry or worried that you annoy me! your work is really good and i'm so honored that you decided to share it with me🥺

and i've gotta say i'm so interested in what happens next! that doctor, he is up to something, right? oh, and that fire! i wonder what was the cause of it? will hange find the others? and what lesson she learned? i'm so, so hooked!

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arrivalation · 4 years ago

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2020: An Account

This year has been a nonstop, off-the-rails bullet train ride into what looked at first like chaos, but ultimately was a tearing down and reconstruction of my entire being. Because I know myself and I know I won’t remember much of this later, I’m recording it here. It’s hard to put some of this information out, but the universe regularly urges me to be more open. So here I go.

January

I got married.

It was, without contest, the absolute best day of my life. I’ve known since I was real little that I wanted to be married, that I wanted to be loved the way M loves me and to love someone just as much. I don’t know how to explain the feeling of having achieved that, and being able to share that with my entire circle. @abyssalsun made it down!! (my only regret is that @ladyoriza couldn’t make it, but I’m still so glad we got to make it to theirs). As often as I can, I revisit the memory of going to @chromecutie’s house afterward, thinking it’d just be the four of us there, and opening the door to find a whole impromptu surprise party happening. Everyone cheered for us when we came in. I played CAH with Mordred, my brother and his wife, and several friends from out of town. By all accounts, these people would never have been in the same room together, but they were, and it was transcendent. It’s been almost a year, and I still haven’t recovered from all the planning and stress; but now that I’m past it, I can say with relief that it was 100% worth it.

February

We bought a house.

Up until this point, I’d been planning a wedding, participating in house-buying stuff as best I could, interviewing for a job I ended up not taking, and dealing with life-long mental illness that was festering and reaching critical mass. But then stuff started wrapping up. The wedding happened. The house was ours. We moved in. I could finally fucking breathe. LMAO bitch you thought.

March

The pandemic reached us.

I guess by this point it had probably already been in the US for a couple months, idr. But it wasn’t until March that things really started happening. People started dying in droves. New cases spread like wildfire. I remember thinking that this would be the zombie apocalypse, because at this point, I don’t think the CDC knew much about the virus. In my anxious mind, that was a completely reasonable assumption. My boss had us all start working from home. We all thought it’d be just a couple weeks.

April

I settled into working from home.

It didn’t take me long to get used to it, maybe a week. I hadn’t yet gotten used to my new hour-long commute from the new house to work, and so working from home quickly became my new normal. But I didn’t know yet why working from home was so good for me. All I knew was that I now had the brain-space to process things. I had the energy to do yoga and cook and do hobbies, and the time to appreciate and care for the home I lived in. I could think more clearly because there was no one else around to distract me. There was sunlight I could bask in. I felt human for once, and that became vitally important and infinitely valuable to me. Despite that, I still struggled with extreme anxiety, panic attacks, and some of the worst depression I’ve suffered through since I was a teenager. Outside my house, everything was a fucking mess and no one had their shit together.

May

I went back to the office for a few weeks.

There was a lull in pandemic activity. My boss had us all start coming back to the office again. At this point, I couldn’t make heads or tails of reality anymore. Everything was changing, nothing was stable. I desperately needed to stay working from home, because that was the one thing that felt Good and Right, but I had no real argument other than, 'I just need to.' So imagine me, at this point a soggy, run-over sloppy joe, attempting to return to normal. As you might think, it was... bad. I cried and hurt all the time. I think I really freaked out my boss with the way I reacted to coming back to the office. But then the second wave hit, and we all went back to working from home again.

June

Uncle Mike died on the first day of the month.

My uncle had been sick for a while, but no one was expecting him to die so suddenly. None of us were ready for it.

I also died that day.

It might sound dramatic, but I mean it quite literally and honestly. Over the years, I had gained suspicion that I was on the autism spectrum. M graciously found me a psychiatrist that took my insurance (and happened to be right next door). I wasn’t even going in for that - I was seeking treatment for my anxiety and depression. But I had amassed a (very long) list of my symptoms, and I brought it with me and read it to my doctor. I wasn’t even a quarter of the way through the list when he stopped me. I’m paraphrasing here, but in effect, he said, “No, yeah, you’re definitely autistic.”

I remember the way my body felt. Like someone had detonated a bundle of TNT in my chest, and I was burning from the inside out. At the time, I didn’t realize this emotional immolation was purposeful and executed by the universe to get rid of this old structure and build a newer, better, stronger one. For about fifteen seconds after he said that, I was relieved that it had been that easy, that there was an explanation for everything that my ADHD didn’t explain. It made a ton of sense why my environment was so important to me. And then I felt something unnameable. It was obvious to my doctor that I was autistic. Had it been obvious to everyone else? Why hadn’t it been obvious to me? I read the rest of my symptoms to him in a daze. I don’t remember how the rest of the appointment went.

And then I burned quietly and ungracefully until I was a pile of ashes. I didn’t know this at the time, but apparently it’s common for newly-diagnosed autistic people to have such dramatic and painful reactions, especially if they weren’t well-informed on the condition. Which I wasn’t.

I started therapy.

I also started learning about my “flavor” of autism. It was arduous, embarrassing, isolating, and ugly. I became aware that I had been masking my whole life, and I was astounded by just how often I did so. What really crushed me was knowing that I’d always have to mask to protect myself. I also became hyper-aware of the things that made me Feel Bad. Inexplicably, I stopped being able to react to those things the way I used to. Previously, if something made a loud and unexpected sound, I would suppress my reaction, because it’s not cool to get mad about it. But I found I couldn’t do that anymore. I had no choice but to react the way I needed to react. I realize now that this was to make me aware of what things make me feel a certain way so I can either avoid them or learn better tools to deal with them.

The therapist I saw wasn’t specialized in autism, and she wasn’t any help in that area, but she did teach me some important things. Like, “Is it reasonable for me to feel ____?”

July

Black hole.

I don’t remember a whole lot from this month, except sifting my own ashes through my fingers and crying. Every day brought a new revelation, a new thing that clicked. All of it was helpful and very painful. My psychiatrist recommended medication, but I’d had a bad and long-lasting experience with medication as a teenager, so I suffered through the pain on my own.

I shouldn’t have. I got so low I didn’t want to be alive anymore. But I think it took reaching the bottom and feeling that much pain for me to get over my fear of pharmaceuticals.

I got into astrology.

I had been interested in it for most of my life, but it wasn’t until this point that I started studying it in depth. I discovered it was a language that I could use to translate so many things about my own life that I didn’t understand. It was a rulebook in a time when I desperately needed rules - but one just flexible enough that it taught me how to stop thinking in binary.

August

I got medicated.

There was a big adjustment period, of course. It didn’t cure me. But it did start to make things easier. And it helped to know that, even if I didn’t believe it at the time, I deserved to rest. I deserved not to feel so much emotional pain all the time.

I turned 30.

It was easily the second best day of my life. I learned a lot of important things, like that it’s important to be present, that I’m seen and loved (just the way I am!!), and that I deserve good things. M planned a whole day of surprises:

I woke up at my leisure and we had coffee on the couch. He got me a cute card with one of our inside jokes inside - I still have it.

We went to our favorite combination lunch place and bakery, which I believe was our first real outing since the pandemic started.

We stopped by a tattoo place. I almost got a tattoo.

He set me loose in Texas Art Supply.

We got dim sum for dinner.

We had a lovely virtual cocktail hour with @chromecutie.

He bought me an ipad!!

I became Spiritual™.

I had been agnostic for the past decade or so, slowly and subtly slipping into nihilism, without realizing how detrimental those ideas were to me. I’m not sure what I thought spirituality was before, but I wasn’t into it. I had always rolled my eyes at people who talked about “a higher power”, auras, and spirit guides, until I became that person.

My psychiatrist introduced some powerful ideas to me, ones that meshed well with my previously-existing idea of how the universe worked. I won’t get into details here. That’s a whole other post. Ask me though - I’d love to talk about it.

Anyway, I started (intermittently) meditating. I learned some exceptionally powerful stuff. I felt my scaffolding being erected.

September

I started learning who I am and why I am this way.

I started seeing a new therapist. She thinks like me. She follows my erratic, forking trains of thought. She sees me and offers real, actionable feedback and solutions. Working with her, I’ve gained the ability to see my life from a 30,000-foot view. I can see now why I’ve felt so lonely my whole life. I understand how my family’s dysfunction has shaped me. I know now that I have the opposite of a victim complex - by default, I believe I am so awful that I feel sorry for everyone who has to deal with me. Because that’s what I was taught to believe. Learning that I deserve to take up space, set boundaries, say no, and be wrong sometimes is still a hard lesson for me. But most days, I believe it now. It takes other people believing it and convincing me. I still need that reassurance often.

My parents sold my childhood home.

Mentally, emotionally, I still lived there. I was still the inverted victim, still beholden to my stepdad’s whims and my mom’s complete cognitive dissonance. This was a blinking neon sign from the universe that it was time to move out. My mom told me when the closing date was so I’d have time to drive down and look at the house one last time. I didn’t go, and I still don’t regret it.

I started learning my boundaries.

After my spiritual move-out, I learned I don’t have to jump when my stepdad holds out the little circus hoop. When he otherwise shows zero interest in my life but still baits me with passive-aggressive texts, I don’t have to answer!! What a concept! I don’t have to feel guilty for not talking to my mom more than I do. We have very little in common, and I still have a lot of things to work through regarding her.

I learned how not to be so reactive.

Or rather, I’m still learning. Something else I learned in therapy is that over the course of my life, I’ve developed a desperate need to defend myself and to justify every action or thought I have, even to myself. It’d been especially troubling at work. My RSD led me to felt stupid, incompetent, and unseen daily; if my boss complimented someone, I believed it also meant he thought I was stupid and bad and wrong, otherwise he would have complimented me too. If my boss said something that even remotely sounded like I’d done something wrong, I’d race to build an impenetrable defense: “This is the reason I did that. Here’s my line of thinking. Do you understand? Can you please understand?”

Now I know that so little of what everything everyone says or does at work is about me. I can appreciate a coworker’s accomplishment and also realize it doesn’t take away anything from me. I’m not stupid or incompetent, and I’m a valuable part of the team. A lot of times, my boss and I are on two different wavelengths - that’s because I think a lot faster, which can be frustrating for him sometimes. He doesn’t fully understand me, but that doesn’t mean I’m doing anything wrong.

October

I let go of an old friend.

This was especially hard, because I had known this person for years. We’d gone through a lot together, and we’d shared some really important and emotional story plots and characters. I had agonized over whether I was truly important to her or not. It didn’t matter how much I loved her as a friend, or how badly I wanted us to be close again and remain close. I had learned to read the universe’s signs, and it was clear it was time to move on.

November

The election happened.

I was expecting things to turn out badly, but I still hoped for something good. And then something good did happen. I cried watching Harris’ speech. I felt a tenuous hope that things might finally start looking up, societally. I still haven’t really let myself fully embrace that hope, but every time I see a court shoot down another lawsuit, or hear about trump’s own conservative republican supporters tell him, “Okay, buddy, it’s time to step down,” I feel a little better.

M and I went non-monogamous.

There’s so much I want to say about this, but it’s for another post. Suffice it to say that like every other experience this year, it has been unexpectedly challenging and ultimately a catalyst for priceless growth. I’m unfathomably grateful that we’re doing this together, for the things we’ve learned so far, and for how much closer this experience has made us, even when I didn’t think we could get any closer.

Turns out I’m not gray-ace.

I had identified as such for a couple years, which was why we wanted to try non-monogamy in the first place. On the surface, it perfectly explained my sexual personality. But every time I told someone my identity, I felt inexplicably sad. When I read about others having “normal” sex drives and “normal” relations with their spouses, I felt jealous.

Turns out I’m just traumatized, lol. Walking along this non-mono path has unearthed a lot of things, including this gem.

December

This was our first married christmas in our new house.

One of the handful of good things the pandemic has done for me was allowing me to back up my boundaries with hard evidence. It’s been difficult dealing with my stepdad bullying me about not coming over for thanksgiving, and having my mom subtly guilt me into making plans for next year already. But what I needed this year was a quiet holiday, instead of the usual weeks-long chaos, and I got it. And it was fucking delightful. I’ve dreamed of days exactly like that one - spending a tranquil morning with my spouse, sipping coffee and listening to music and eating treats. Deciding exactly how we want our holidays to be, because we deserve to.

I’m scared of what’s to come in the new year. I’m still an anxious mess, and some days I’m not strong enough to pull myself out of the spirals I throw myself into. I’ve gotten used to the pandemic holding my hand, allowing me to shelter in my home, helping me enforce my boundaries, teaching me who I am. When it’s over, I don’t know what will happen or how I’ll react or what I’ll learn next. I’m not finished rebuilding, but I don’t think that’s the point. I’ll never be fully rebuilt. But at least I’m figuring out the new layout.

#personal #void-Avatar

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feralmunson · 5 years ago

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Soooo, I just watched It Chapter 2 and I decided to come back to my It blog 🎈🎈

FIRST OF ALL IM GONNA TALK ‘BOUT REDDIE BECAUSE, BOY HOW I LOVE THOSE TWO, OK

I liked how, after they put on the shower caps, Richie starts talking shit bout them and Eddie quickly takes off his lmao

I loved the hammock scene, how Eddie demands Richie to move the fuck out of it and Richie, being the gay little shit he is, doesn’t move forcing Eddie to climb on pushing him and shoving his glasses with his foot while ranting lmao I loved it, and that hammock was a perfectly good excuse for them to be close to each other so yeah, if I were Richie I would’ve done the same to be close to my crush

Richie’s pep talk to Eddie after he said he was too scared,,,, I need a Richie in my life :(

“next time we’re picking “scary””

“next time!!!?!!?”

And, thanks to @buckley-robln, I realized the meaning of the “very scary” door, it being a closet and simbolizing our boys’ fear of coming out, wow I’m sad

And then how Eddie stabs Pennywise and proudly goes to tell Richie, and then suddenly Pennybitch stabs Eddie,,,, I knew he was gonna die and still I was surprised and cried like a baby :((

Then when Eddie says he has to tell him something, and Richie looks at him hoping he would say something important... then Eddie making a “your mom” joke and Richie just laugh, his laugh being one of the last sounds Eddie hears...

But what made it worse was Richie’s denial and the other loser’s trying to console him oh my god it really had me crying

AND, IF THAT WASNT ENOUGH, THAT SCENE AT THE QUARRY WHERE THEYRE ALL HOLDING RICHIE AND HES CRYING AND IM CRYING OH WOW MY HEART :(

RICHIE

MY POOR BABY THAT SCENE AT THE ARCADE BROKE MY HEART 💔

It was just too real, I mean, like that small touch of hands that causes you lots of emotions that somehow scare you because you don’t know what the hell is going on with you, that fear that comes with the uncertainty of what will happen if anyone knew, bitch I felt that

When they show him carving the “R” a small part of me hoped it was an “E” next to the “+” but I didn’t wanna get my hopes up cause you know how we gays rarely get any representation on the big screen, so at the end when they show him re-carving the E I completely lost it and cried, plus Stan’s letter, it was just to much for me :((

Richie’s character has me speechless, like I feel I kind of empathize a lot with him and I just want to hold him tight and tell him everything’s gonna be alright :(

EDDIE

That scene when Bowers stabs my homeboy Eddie I wasn’t sure if it was real or what the f u c k was going on, and then how Eddie, like the badass he is, takes out the knife and stabs him back lol and how he slowly walks out of the bathroom 😂

How he was paralyzed by fear when the Stan/spider thing was attacking Richie and how Bill yells at him and how he tells him to don’t be mad, that he got really scared, my poor baby

Also, the scene at the basement of the pharmacy was v important I mean, my poor Eds was desperately trying to save his mom while being surrounded by thing that scared him, and then how he manages to weaken the leper, finding the answer to how to end Pennywise, yes Eddie! 👏🏼👏🏼

HANBROUGH

I loved their relationship I mean I didn’t ship them before but now w o w they’re so cute with each other I’m,,,

I liked how, even after everyone had gone, Bill stayed there with Mike and listened to him and everything

And when they pressed their foreheads together after ending that 🤡 bitch !! c u t e

And at the end omg when they’re talking on the phone and Mike makes a pause and says “I love you”, and then Bill says “I love you too”... I know it was like in a platonic way but I just- 💖❤️💞😘👏🏼

(I couldn’t find a gif of them both, sorry 😔)

BILL

The guilt he feels for Georgie’s death 😭

That moment where adult Bill sees his younger self telling him everything was his fault, and that his little brother’s death was his fault just because he pretended to be sick just cause didn’t want to go out and play with him... I can only imagine the amount of guilt he was experiencing

But then when he faces him and finally realizes it wasn’t his fault and “kills” his young version, putting an end to that feeling of guilt... Good for him 👏🏼

MIKE

A KING

It must’ve been really difficult to get the courage to call everyone and ask them to go to Derry, knowing that it meant danger

And all the research he did, all the effort he put on the investigation to end Pennywise, all for the greater good, wow, he deserves everything good in the world 💖

Even though I didn’t like how he kept some information from the others >:(

But it’s ok, I love him, it was for the greater good

BENVERLY

I really liked how Ben recognized her immediately, so sweet

When they’re talking at the hotel and Bev says she thinks it was Bill who wrote the poem and everything and I was just like “Girl, no!! Open you’re eyes, boo!!! He’s literally sitting there next to you!!!!”

Then when they put their totems inside the thingy, Ben’s words broke my heart, my poor baby :(

And how Bev says she should’ve held on to that memory (talking bout the letter)

Then when they’re both fighting their fears and suddenly Ben starts calling her and then she hears him and they both yell each other’s names and she finally kicks the door open and saves him, wow, powerful 🔥👏🏼

And when she finally realizes it was Ben the whole time ajsnjkadhs it was a short, beautiful moment <3

BEN

He was Just. So. Sweet. I mean, one could’ve thought he would’ve change because of how his life changed and how successful he was now, but he was still the sweet lovely boy with the biggest crush in Beverly Marsh 😭💖

He was just so pure and good

I love his relationship with Beverly

That scene when he was being practically buried alive gave me a n x i e t y, and how Pennywise told him he was gonna die alone and all that shit I was so ANGRY at that bitchass clown

Also when he tricks him into believing that Bev was calling him ugly stuff and being mean to him absolutely broke my heart but he was smart enough to know she would never say anything like that to him, but still, I hate seeing him sad cause he deserves the world 😤

BEV

She was such a badass wow I love her

She could punch me and I’d thank her

That scene when her father blames her for what her mother did and yells at her and all of that was v scary, my poor girl how could she live with him 😖

Also the scene at the bathroom with the blood, it surely was incredibly overwhelming listening to everyone who ever hurt her saying all that shit, but then I loved how when she hears Ben she gets enough strength to get the fuck out of there and save her boy!! we love a queen!!!!!

I’m so glad she finally found someone who loves her and treats her as she d e s e r v e s.

STAN THE MAN

Oh boy, how I missed him :((((

Even if we just saw him for little bits, I liked how happy he seemed at the beginning, with his puzzle of birds and all

Then the ~scene~ was absolutely heartbreaking I mean how he gets in the tub, and then they showed us a memory and then... :(

Then his speech at his bar mitzvah!!!! so powerful!!! (And Richie clapping lol) 👏🏼👏🏼

And the letter!!!! Patty sending the letter to the losers meant to much! I cried the whole time while they read the letter, it was a beautiful way to end the movie

Also, all of the scenes where they showed us happy Losers being a bunch of kids with nothing to worry about, bitch I cherished each one of those. Like when they were at the club house, and at the photo booth... good times, man ❤️

It was a good movie, I laughed, I cried, I got scared on several ocassions, and I can’t wait to go and see it again

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melon-kiss · 4 years ago

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Screaming, Pt 4

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Link to the part on AO3

____________________________

I hear voices over the black fog of my unconsciousness but I can’t be sure they’re real. I think it’s the doctors. They try to revive me. I hear that I have a stable pulse and I breathe. Good. Or whatever.

When I open my eyes, I’m sweaty and frightened. My T-shirt is so wet it changed its colour to dark grey. My hair is sticking to my face. My eyeballs go from one side to another in an utter madness. I notice it’s already dark outside. Doctor Mike lights up a small lamp on my nightstand. I think he suspects me of being scared of darkness. I’ve never been. Now he’s right. He says comforting things, like: “You’re safe now” or “I can see you’ve been tortured”. But “torture” doesn’t even cover it. I’ve been through a vivisection. Sherlock gutted me out and now I know for sure he did it on purpose.

I fight insomnia for very long hours. When I manage to fall asleep, I hardly find any rest in it.

I toss and turn endlessly. It never gets better. The bed sheet is too hot or too cold. The dreams I have are horrifying. All the memories I’ve kept safely tamed resurface and haunt me. Suffocate me with their weight. They’re my burden now.

They burn me out. They wreak havoc. I feel every cell in my body ache as I remember the pain of all the words unsaid, all the moments not lived. I see the bright blue eyes, always looking through. I hear the voice. It lies to me. Does it, though? It says: I... I love you. And again, quieter: I love you. It hurts because I’m sure it’s insincere. It couldn’t be any other way. He’ll never love me like I want to be loved. He can’t give me safety and protection. He can’t support me. He can’t be with me. He can’t be with me. He can’t be with me.

I scream. The hot air rips my lungs into shreds. My voice is hoarse and piercing at the same time, it echoes in the entire building. I scream as though being cut in two; a primal shriek finds its way out of me. It’s the only thing that keeps me sane - otherwise the pain would be unbearable. I want to be dead. I scream so loud the night staff comes to my room every fifteen minutes to wake me and assure me I’m safe but it doesn’t take long for the circle to go around again. They finally give up and inject something into my arm. The dangerous mix of fear and pain is numb now. It doesn’t vanish; it’s covered with a warm fluff of the meds. It’s there. He’ll never love me the way I want to be loved.

My eyes are stuck on one point on the ceiling. I want to scream but I can’t.

* * *

The cold late-autumn air lashes my face when I place my foot outside the door. I wrap the scarf tighter around my neck. It’s difficult to keep yourself warm when there’s not much of the fat tissue in your body.

My therapist says it’ll get better. I don’t know. I don’t think he tries to lie to me. I choose to believe him. He also says that I’ll never fully recover. My psyche is broken beyond repair. LSD killed me and didn’t do it at all. All I can do is to try to make the best of it. “Regaining your memory was the most important part,” he said once. “And you’ve succeeded in it.” I think he hopes that there’s a chance for me to get back to my old self in that. I’ve lived with my missing memories for over six months and today is the first day I feel good enough to leave the house. I’m going to face death. Many deaths.

I walk down the London streets and the air soaks up in my lungs. It’s cold but in a pleasant way. The hot air gets out of me with carbon dioxide. I breathe in the chill oxygenium with my eyes closed. I relish the moment. I never know when my brain will snap and turn everything into endless sadness. I don’t have fury attacks anymore but instead, I wake up in the middle of every night, screaming. The scream eventually turns into cry. I curl up in my bed and wait for the pain to let go. It never really does but its level decreases to the point I’m able to live with.

Being yourself. What does it even mean? Whatever I do, I’m me. I’m me when I walk down the London streets, heading to work. I’m me when I jump out of my bed and choke someone. I’m me when I throw up because my body cannot contain the anxiety caused by my fugue. I’m me when I scream my head off in the middle of a night. I’m me when I kiss someone I love. I’m me when I cry because I couldn’t be more broken. I’ve learned to simply accept whatever comes to me. This is who I am. A mess. Fixing me is a job for a lifetime.

I’ve been missing the lab. I throw myself into work because it helps me soothe the suffering. The relief is temporary but whatever works, right? I love the sound of the glasses clinking against each other. I love how my brain focuses entirely on bringing out my scientific knowledge and it almost resembles the mind I used to have. These are the moments when I know the old Molly Hooper is still there. She didn’t die because she always wins.

It’s almost dark outside when I turn off the lights. I take a short look around to make sure I’ve cleaned everything up. I push the door open and fix the handbag on my shoulder. I walk out into the corridor, pale-y lightened with the cold hospital lamps. I raise my head up and freeze.

He freezes as well. He’s changed; weaker, sadder. His blue eyes widen and I can see his breathing stops. His mouth are open in an utter shock. He’s speechless but doesn’t look away. He swallows with difficulty.

“Molly.”

The soft whisper fills out the space of the corridor. I begin to get dizzy and my heart rate quickens rapidly. I take a small step back and cling to the door behind me. I’m close to hyperventilate. He makes a move towards me but I start visibly shivering in response.

“Molly...”

He’s filled with guilt which adds a fair weight to his movements. His eyes, usually cold and focused on looking through his mind palace, are mild, even glossy. His eyebrows frown in worry. I’m sure he pities me. I don’t need his pity. I slide down the door and sit on the floor with my legs pulled to my chest. I see his coat getting closer with a corner of my eye. My body trembles strongly. I let out the tears.

“Leave me alone,” I whisper.

He stands in place for a while and walks off eventually. When he’s no longer in the range of my eyesight, I curl up on the floor and cry. He can’t be with me.

* * *

I’m slightly cheerful on my days off. The winter is pretty ugly this year; it doesn’t look like the ones I remember. No fluffy snow and colourful lights. But maybe I’ve just gotten too old to see them? I think it’s sad. We become adults and forget all the beauty we’ve had as children. We forget that the key to happiness is not only in winning the jackpot but also in seeing the little things and enjoying them. In finding a four-leaf clover and thinking: “Today I’m going to be lucky”. In hearing your mum is going to make your favourite biscuits because she loves you so much she could do anything to see a smile on your face. I sound like The Little Prince, don’t I? When your brain tries to find its way back to sanity, you happen to have a lot thoughts. Trust me.

I deliberately step into every grey, muddy-snowy-watery puddle and smile. My shoes will get soaked up for a while but I enjoy this childish activity until I can. I just hope my groceries won’t slip out of my shopping bag to fall into one of these snowy monsters. I think about the small but pleasant stuff: like ordering a pizza and watching a film. My brain loves turning into tapioca. Well, it doesn’t, I do. I also bought brownies and can’t wait to stuff my stomach with them after the pizza box is empty. For a moment I think of the poor person who would have to go through my stomach content if I killed myself tonight, and then shake it off. I don’t want to die but I don’t have much of a will to live as well. I’ve learned not to joke about suicide around other people, though. It turns out death is a difficult matter for normal human beings. I wouldn’t know, I’ve always been very practical about it. It doesn’t scare me that much. Well, maybe a little because I’ve never been through this. They say I have but I don’t remember a shred from this moment. I’ve regained a memory of being strongly hit in a head in my house but then... it’s all darkness. The next thing was the hospital ceiling and the conversation The Three Horsemen of Madness had in my room.

I’ve loved watching trash telly (and not only this) because it keeps my sadness and insanity at bay. I’m well aware of that. My therapist didn’t have to tell me this but he did it anyway. He even asked if I wanted to do anything about it. I didn’t but he says (because the matter obviously wasn’t dropped) it would work out for the best because a broken heart cannot be mended by watching stories about other hearts being healed. I thought he was supposed to help me keep my post-LSD psyche under control but it seems I couldn’t have been more wrong. When I look back at the memories I’ve retrieved, I can’t help but think... maybe this craziness has always been with me? The way I sewed my happiness with his skin, desperately, utterly, unconditionally, obsessively... Omnipresent but invisible. Courageous - with a rabbit heart. The smallest spark of hope I’ve ever seen kept me by his side. Maybe LSD only sped up what was inevitable: a nervous breakdown. Although I wasn’t really weak. My heart just popped, heavy from all the sorrow it has carried for five years.

Now, after being completely broken, I’m learning to live in a world without him. I don’t blame him - after all, it was me who asked him to leave me alone. I thought he would fight for me but I’m glad he didn’t. My insanity would feed on the scraps he would throw me, reliving the annealed wounds with a red-hot steel. He doesn’t come to Bart’s or maybe he does but he’s good at avoiding people. And sometimes, when everything seems fine and I’m home alone (which is always), I fill out the silence with singing. I choose the saddest songs I know and sing. I bet my neighbours have had to call an ambulance to save their bleeding ears at least once but I’m a psycho. I can do whatever I want because I don’t care.

I’ve recently watched Eclipse and I sing a song from its soundtrack under my nose when I unlock the door. The door clicks and I enter my completely dark house. I don’t turn on the lights and enjoy the fact that it’s already dim outside but it’s too early for the street lights to turn on and shine into my kitchen. I stand in the entrance room and soak in the emptiness. It fills me out and seeps into my bones. This is where my body find its way to the state of default. I put my shopping bag away on the floor and untangle my winter shoes. After that I move the groceries into the kitchen, almost tiptoeing, as though afraid of waking someone up.

I take off my coat and scarf, putting them down on the kitchen counter. I start unloading my shopping bag, thinking about the pizza I’m going to order. I’ve gained some weight, maybe a little too much but that’s all right. I couldn’t care less about my body. If I had to worry about my appearance as well, I would definitely kill myself.

“My love has concrete feet, my love’s an iron ball, wrapped around your ankles, over the waterfall...”

“If I didn’t know better, I would think it was on purpose.”

A glass bottle of a carrot juice slips out of my palm as I jump in a complete horror. My socks soak in the sticky liquid but I can barely seem bothered by this. I turn on the heel and look at the utter darkness in my living room. The same moment the street lights turn on and a beam of weak light falls on his face as well. I feel my body trembling. I want to back out but there is no escape - he could catch me any time. Not that he would but the fear takes over my mind.

“You... you broke into my house?” I ask, panting. A panic attack is around the corner.

“I entered your house without your knowledge,” he replies, utterly steady. “There’s a difference-“

“What are you doing here?” I put on a tough act but we both know it’s a ruse. I don’t care. I don’t want him to break me again. I might never recover.

“I came to see you.”

I scoff.

“You could do it the normal way.”

“Would you meet me, then?”

“No.”

“Exactly.”

I’m pressed against the refrigerator and I feel a pain in my back as the metallic door resists to my spinal bones. He makes three steps forward. He takes off his gloves and shoves them into his coat pockets. He takes if off as well, with no rush, and throws it away on my couch. Without unlocking our eyes, he approaches me. I’m sure I’ll tip over the refrigerator in a second because he’s so close there can’t be more than a foot between us. He stops. My head is dizzy and I feel like throwing up but then he squats and begins to collect the shreds of glass bottle from the floor. I’m sweaty but relieved. The tension leaves my body and I exhale loudly.

It catches his attention. He looks up at me.

“I’m not here to hurt you.”

I scoff again.

“It doesn’t matter.”

I turn around to face the kitchen counter and find paper towels but they’re on the opposite side. I glare down and see that the juice is everywhere but my socks are completely soaked up, so it wouldn’t be smart of me to walk off to the bathroom for a mop. Besides, I could step into the cracks and that was not the point of his help.

He finishes and throws the glass away. He remembers very well where my bin is. After that, he wordlessly goes to my bedroom and comes back with a pair of dry socks. I can see that he spread a bit of the juice on the floor but his gesture successfully disables my frustration. He sticks out his arms towards me. I hesitate. What is he planning to do? I slowly reach out to his arms but he slides them under my armpits and lifts me up over the juice, placing me on my small kitchen island. Then he disappears in the bathroom and comes back with the mop. He wipes out the floor. Not a word slips out of his lips.

I slowly take off my wet socks, watching his every move. I put the dirty socks away next to me and reach out for the paper towel. I dry my feet out while Sherlock cleans up my kitchen floor. Even my old self would say that only a lunatic would find it possible. Cheers to all of us, crazies. I put away the used paper towel as well and put on my new socks. I start to swing my legs a little bit as Sherlock finishes the cleanup. He walks off to the bathroom to rinse off the mop for the last time and comes back to me. I can’t look away somehow.

“Thank you,” I say in a hoarse voice. I clear my throat.

“I’m sorry,” he replies. “I didn’t mean to frighten you, nor be an intruder.”

I shrug.

“It was just a carrot juice. I’ll drink more water, then.”

My legs swing more and more intensively. I know what it means and so does he, so I force myself to stop because a smirk crawls up on his face. I feel my cheeks burning up and I instantly regret tangling my hair into a pony tail. This is probably the most normal thing that happened to me in about nine months.

He places his hand next to my left thigh and leans on. I feel his perfume and something in me shivers. My heart rate goes wild but I cannot force myself to look away. He puts his palm really gently on my right cheek and his face is so close I can see every pore on his skin. I give in and let out a quiet exhale. I close my eyes and my body is fulfilled with warmth as his lips lock with mine. He moves a little to stand fully in front of me and takes my face in both of his hands. His lips open more and more eagerly as he doesn’t see any objection on my side. My legs clench around his waist, I throw my arms around his neck. I pull him closer but it’s difficult to say whether I’m motivated by the kiss or the simple need of a hug.

I feel awaken. My body’s warm, pulsing with every beat my heart does. For the first time in many months I feel alive and I relish this moment because I know that in a minute, everything will end.

And it does.

I push him away a little too hard. He has to take a step back to prevent a fall. The passionate fire turns into anger.

“Don’t do it.”

I feel a twinge in my chest seeing pain in his eyes. He looks as if I just crushed his last hope. His blue eyes are tired, miss their old spark. I hate myself for pushing him away and feeling the way I feel.

“Why?” he asks.

“Because it doesn’t make sense,” I hiss through my teeth.

“What doesn’t?”

“Us.”

He winces and shifts nervously.

“What?”

I clench my palm into a fist and press it against my forehead, leaned forward. A forgotten suffering comes back to me. I’ve buried it so deep inside I was certain it was gone but it’s been waiting for me. A battle I didn’t want to fight starts right here and right now. And I, again, want to be dead and dead only. I close my eyes so tightly it almost hurts as does every cell in my body.

“We don’t make sense,” I utter after anticipating a less painful moment.

He starts breathing quicker. He’s as lost as he’s never been before. I imagine that’s how he looked like calling me to save me. Helpless in the face of the truth.

“How could you have fallen in love with me, then? ” he asks, hopelessness taking over him. “Despite all the pain I’ve caused you, all the things I’ve said...”

“I suppose love is a kind of madness,” I say, my unseeing eyes focused on one irrelevant point.

“Your love is illogical, since I’ve always been an utter cock.”

“Not always,” I reply, smirking weakly. “But we don’t love for the logical reasons. We love despite all the illogical ones.”

We fall silent. I enjoy my most sane moment for several minutes. It can disappear anytime.

“I love you.”

I raise my head up. It feels like my heart skips a beat.

His eyes gaze at me with pain I’ve never seen on his face. He almost pants, his arms are unfolded. He’s like a living target. He’s just showed me where to shoot and I stretch my bow, aiming for his chest.

“But you cannot give me the love I want,” I reply, my voice stifled. I finally sigh in exasperation. “We’re far two different. It would be a disaster of a relationship. Can you imagine yourself cleaning our flat every Saturday, planning our wedding, putting our children to sleep? Because this is want I want. But it would only hurt us more.”

“I can change,” he says.

I scoff.

“And that’s the point,” I respond. “I don’t want you to change. I love you the way you are. I love every part of you. But you cannot love me. You couldn’t have loved me before and you can’t do it now.”

“I think I’ve loved you long before,” he says in a weak voice.

I am... sorry. Forgive me.

You can see me.

You do count.

I’ve always trusted you.

Thank you.

The one person who mattered the most.

I hope you’ll be very happy, Molly Hooper.

You look well.

I’m worried about you, Molly.

I love you.

I gaze at him almost breathless. I blink and make myself utter a response:

“I love you, too,” I whisper. My eyes fill with tears. “But you cannot make me happy... Sherlock.”

His name tastes sweet in my mouth. I’ve missed saying it. Now I glance at his lips and think about the moments we shared a few minutes ago and back then in the hospital. I could share them with him forever. I would never get bored of him. But there would be times when he would forget about my presence in our flat, when he wouldn’t listen to me, chasing a lead. When he would be lost and I couldn’t find him.

And now... me with my mood swings and moments of insanity striking when the least expected. With my broken mind. Unfixable. Fucked up.

He suffers and this time, I’m the one to blame. I’ve broken the unbreakable man.

“I’ve turned you into something you’ve always hated,” I say. “You’re weak, you’re an easy target. You’re emotional and vulnerable.”

“As I’ve always been,” he replies. “You’re my strength.”

I wince.

“Strength? Sherlock-“

“You’re my strength because you’ve helped me understand myself better than anyone. I’ve never had to pretend with you. And... and back then in Sherrinford, when I realised how much pain I’ve caused you... no one ever has made me realise so much of me with so little words as you have. You are the reflection of my sensitivity. With you, I’m no longer myself.”

He begins to slowly get closer.

“But... But this is my point!” I protest. “It’s not a good thing becau-“

“It is a good thing because... what does it really mean - being myself?” He stops at less than a foot from me and scoffs. “I am myself in every minute of my life. I won’t miss my old self, though. I was a completely blind moron, who couldn’t appreciate people around him. And you’ve managed to look behind this curtain and see the man I am now. You’ve taught me to be who I am now.”

He smiles, lifting only one corner of his lips but he knows. I try to back out and escape his look but I feel that I don’t want to. My body is slowly giving in. It is so warm. It feels so good. I love him so much.

“But the old Molly may be no longer there. I’m a mess now,” I mumble, trying to avoid his gaze.

He cups my face in his palms again and places our foreheads together. I can’t resist. I don’t want to resist. I lose control over my head and I’m not even worried. A pleasant wave of chemicals floods my body and they’re better than any of the antipsychotics I’ve taken in the past nine months. I’m still a mess. I know that Sherlock will regret his decision one day when a switch in my brain goes off and I’ll stand at a rooftop (flashbacks will kill him, though). But I’m tired of trying to be normal.

“So am I. When I found out that Eurus had attacked you... I was both furious and hurt. I was torn. I still feel guilty over the fact that I couldn’t have prevented this and that she could have killed you. I was ready to bring hell on Earth. Maybe you’re a mess... but you’re also somehow a piece of puzzle that’s missing from my messy life.”

I feel the warmth of his breath on my face, the softness of his hands on my cheeks. His curls tickle my eyelids. I so weak.

“Oh, come on,” he whispers, “just give in already.”

I giggle and lose myself completely. I want to scream... but everything I do speaks louder than words.

#sherlolly #fanfiction #sherlock x molly #molly x sherlock #sherlock holmes #molly hooper #screaming

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normal-thoughts-official · 4 years ago

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aaaand we are back back again with malec livewatch! you can read the first and second parts before if you wanna, or filter out “malec livewatch” if ur tired of this absolute bullcrap

yes i know it’s been years. not my fault okay i was studying

today: post-wedding 1×12! and finally freedom from the terrors of s1

forever a slut for that scene where Magnus just does that hand movement and a bunch of shit starts showing up in the conveniently empty table ugh we stan. imagine if the special effects had been this good all the time they really used up 10 out of their 15 dollars and all the two favors from cousin Mike for this one. 1×12 was so inspired tbh only valid episode

Alec's clothes look so much better without the stupid ugly blazer? could do without the high waisted pants (why) but he looks so much better and also more comfortable. again i hope the costume department staff got a big, fat paycheck because the difference we see in him during the wedding vs post-wedding alone is just insane. he looks so much better and more comfortable and more himself, the blazer made him look stiff and again DOESNT MATCH THE REST. also nice touch that the blazer is the only part of his clothing with gold, the sh wedding color. he gets that off and everything looks so much better

Magnus looks even better post wedding too. like the clothing is already *chef's kiss* but he looks even prettier afterwards somehow. the hair is a little softer and he's less stiff as a whole (for obvious reasons), and aaaa hes so beautifulllll he's so prettyyyy look at his perfect soft little hair falling softly over his head and the PINK STREAKS possibly the best Magnus look i said what i said. especially with him all soft and smiley like that i big love him

sexiest thing about Magnus is how Jace does anything and hes like NO BITCH

the way he says "warlock tracking is stronger" with that smile......... hes so prety

that's a deep inhale he makes before using the tracking spell lmao u ok buddy?

oof i can only imagine how he felt when he was doing the tracking and he was suddenly hit with an image of Camille screaming and hitting in his direction,,,....,,,,,,, Fuck

love how Raphael just locked her in the basement thats so sexy of him we stan

"i punched her there's no way she'll help me" ugh still salty that clary of all ppl got to punch her but not Raphael or Magnus fuck this tbh

STOP MAKING ME LOOK AT CLACE

they both look so giddy and happy to be talking after the whole wedding thing + camille drama like don’t look at me. alec can barely look at magnus because he’s so agitated but you have the smile on his face and magnus is also smiling disbelievingly and i just doaudjsuoiadsa i love they

seriously tho the way magnus smiles..... so private and disbelieving but also so obvious and he’s even looking down like he never expected stuff to go down this well..... bro i stan

i had forgotten about the specific cadence in which alec talks? lmao. there’s a certain tilt to his voice when he says “it’s so INTENSE” that i really love

also that’s a really funny line like honey who the fuck are you to complain about anything being intense. ur the most dive or die bitch in this entire building. and we stan

alec’s WIDE ASS SMILE when magnus says “you certainly know how to make a statement” I CRY. magnus looks so proud of him and still disbelieving that alec went this hard for him and alec is just still on cloud 9 that he really Did That and came out and magnus is just proud of him and wow he really gets to have this and duahdsudhsadajsas???? i adore everything about them

the way maryse shows up and magnus immediately recoils and alec immediately straightens up like magnus is lowkey expecting rejection and alec is just bracing himself for one of the hardest fights of his life

also their expressions are so funny like maryse is LIVID she’s absolutely losing her mcfucking mind with anger homegirl’s head is about to explode and robert is just looking like he pissed on the carpet or something

the way alec doesn’t back down at all is so admirable too like!!!! it’s one thing to make a big fuck you gesture, it’s another to still hold your ground against your abusers after that fact. but he really stands there and goes “this isn’t about you” “i’m the same person i’ve always been” and doesn’t give her an inch of room for clownery. like again once alexander gideon lightwood makes up his mind there’s no stopping him and there’s no going back and he’s just so fucking strong??? he really said “from now on i’m out and you’re going to absolutely deal with that and i will not compromise a single thing” and the lightwoods just had to deal with that lmaoooo

you can see it in maryse’s face too, like after the “i’m the same person i’ve always been” she just pauses, realizing that she lost this battle without even knowing, she was on top of it a second ago and now there’s nothing she can do anymore and she’s just shook. and all that’s left for her is to scoff at magnus and leave, because that’s it, she lost every hold she had on him

alec’s little mouthed “what?” at “and all for a downworlder” too. i think part of him was like “wow she’s backing down already?” because you know he expected this to be a lot harder i think lmao. but i also like to think that there’s a side of “mom what the fucking fuck have you seen him he’s gorgeous and kind and smart and amazing and literally the best person i could have fallen in love with but go off i guess”

robert going all “just give her time” like he doesn’t understand what’s happening here at all. he clearly plays the “good cop” in the lightwood’s abusive dynamic tbh, like people often brush him off as being just spineless but i honestly think that he’s just the other side of her manipulative coin. specially with izzy, like, when izzy said fuck it and completely let go of maryse’s hold on her? that’s where robert came in, being the accepting, “nice” parent who listened to her and cared, and making sure she’d keep her loyalties. because he didn’t really stand up for izzy either and in the end he kept her still glued to the lightwood family through that, and kept defending maryse and izzy listened to him because he was robert. and i think that’s what’s happening here too, him trying to frame this as “don’t worry, she’ll come around” because he knows right then that alec is absolutely going to turn their back on them if that’s what it takes for her to be happy so he immediately slides in and reframes this under an affection light where everything will be alright! even if honestly i don’t think that’s what alec is really thinking about at all, i think he was 100% ready for a showdown

and robert is clearly so disapproving and yikes at the whole thing too but he pretends he isn’t and like lmao

shoutout to their faces when robert asks “are you two in love?” like magnus just turns around like oh hell no we’re not gonna have this conversation and alec lights up for just a second with a small smile before he’s like wait wait no shit shit shit we’ve just met no of course there’s no love (and like... i don’t think there is per se, because i think love is something that takes longer to settle in, specially for alec, but i think the idea that he could talk openly about being in love with a man and even fall fully in love with magnus one day makes him super happy you know?) lmao dorks

tho tbh i think magnus shuts down that conversation immediately to avoid heartbreak. because i think that for this whole thing he was expecting alec to say something he’d hate hearing to get his parents’ approval, you know? like like i said it’s really unexpected and surprising/inspiring that alec didn’t back down an inch there, and i think he was expecting alec to kind of fall back slightly now, like, he played his cards and now he would negotiate with them, you know? find a place to make them comfortable. instead alec gives them a complete fuck you and he’s like... damn obviously super pleased but also waiting for the other shoe to drop

he just steps in like “pls no” and stops that conversation right there

the way alec takes a deep breath and magnus opens his mouth then closes again quickly not knowing what to say and then changes the subject.... he’s really so scared of this talk and i just aaa

alec literally never fucking stops going from magnus’ eyes and lips in quick succession like alec. alec please. stop being horny for just a second man. please alec i’m begging you

it’s so cute how magnus mentions a date and alec is immediately like “hell YEAH we should do that” no hesitation like he’s 100% ready to leave immediately right now (i see his pause between “wanna... i don’t know, get a drink?” and “....sometime?”, i see it, you can’t fool me alexander) and also the fact that his first suggestion is something that he hates but that he knows for a fact magnus likes is so cute, like he immediately goes for magnus’ interests here and we stan

i also think that he’s come to associate drinking = dates after 1x06 and the way magnus called him specifically for a drink before he showed up too, like... it’s cute how he immediately came to associate those things because of magnus and just jumps into that because that’s what he knows. he’s so eager and like good for him

magnus’ SMILE when he says that like bro he can see how stoked alec is to go on a date with him they are adorable he is so fucking HAPPY i doubt he expected such a great outcome from this and yet here they are

ALEC DOES THE WHOLE LOOKING AT HIS LIPS IN QUICK SUCCESSION THING ONE LAST TIME BEFORE THE SCENE ENDS SHUT UP OH MY GOD HE NEVER STOPS. MATT DADDARIO THANK YOU FOR MY RIGHTS

next part

#malec livewatch #sh #malec #magnus bane #alec lightwood #abuse tw #maryse tw #camille tw #anti clace #meta

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nblesbianbenhanscom · 4 years ago

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jim hopper 🤔

ok. first of all. the noises i just made, the voice i made them in. ahahaha

How I feel about this character: I have Feelings about this Man! Like. Omg. He’s just such a fucking I love him. He’s complicated and sweet and caring and so. fucking. stubborn. And terribly broken, but like loving still. Like ugh. He is a good man. He’s a complicated man. I love him so much. I spent so much of s3 telling him to stfu and then when it became obvious that he was going to sacrifice himself I was literally screaming Not like that you fucking bastard!!!

All the people I ship romantically with this character: brace yourselves- Karen Wheeler. Like, it’s not a crack ship but also not a real ship, but like somewhere in between. I’m just sitting here like. They are both so desperate for love and change, and like. Just. *pushes them together and Karen away from Billy because he’s still just a child (fuck you just because someone turns 18 doesn’t mean they are an adult))* But also-

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Joyce. They be bros. (I mean, I wouldn’t be mad if the thing happened upon watching s3 a second time, but unnecessary.)

My unpopular opinion about this character: This game is so hard when I have no idea what the fandom finds popular and unpopular. Lol. I don’t think I have any. I think he’s a dork, a good dad, emotionally stunted, a good person, stubborn af, etc. Do people not agree with those things? *shrug*

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I wish he’d said all the things he said in the letter to El before he threatened Mike and nearly destroyed their relationship. I wish he’d realized he should talk to his daughter first, and Mike later. I wish he didn’t fucking die (I know he’s probably not dead, but the ugly crying I did...)

#jim hopper #i love him so much #he's such a good #he deserves all the good #*smooshes his face*#hartigays

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imaginetrahs · 5 years ago

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ST3 really messed me up last night but there are some things that I feel should have been touched on so here I go:

Billy and Max’s relationship should have had a development scene. Obviously after max told billy to leave her and her friends alone they kind of had a sort of bonding period and we should’ve got that development instead of the Billy and Karen scenes 🙄

Billy and Karen shouldn’t have happened at all in any way AT ALL and I’m so glad that he told her to leave him alone but I still feel as if those scenes weren’t need because they really didn’t do anything for the plot of the show. I’m also glad that Karen came to her senses and thought about her family and not just her hormones because she must have forgot that Billy is a TEENAGER who is around the age of her oldest two children 😕 sis was ready to catch a case over some teenage dick smh

I don’t care what anyone says Mike and Elevens relationship is cute af 🤷🏽‍♀️ along with Max and Lucas. Yes Mike and El kissed a lot but they’re young and really like each other and in the honeymoon phase ALONG with Max and Lucas. So they’ll fight and argue over stupid shit but in the end their friendship is more important (if that makes sense) idrk where I’m going with this one but they’re cute and leave them alone

MAX AND EL ARE THE FRIENDSHIP I DIDNT KNOW I NEEDED. I really loved that Max helped El find who SHE was and who everyone wanted her to be. El’s not just Mikes girlfriend, shes not just Hoppers adopted/daughter, she’s not the groups secret weapon, she’s not the girl with powers, and she’s definitely not the girl who was abused as a child. Eleven is just a teenage girl trying to find herself in a world with monsters and shit and for Max to come around and help her find herself was really what El and all of us needed

Will Byers and Dustin Henderson just needed their friends and they weren’t there for them. After all the shIT WILL HAS BEEN THROUGH HE DESERVED JUST ONE FUCKING GAME OF D&D, he deserved it. When Dustin needed his friends to believe that his girlfriend was real they didn’t until they needed her to save the world smh. THEY DESERVED BETTER.

Will Byers had a breakdown and I was here for it. Not in a bad way. I think he needed to let off that steam because of everything from his friends being more worried about their girlfriends to the MF being back to Mikes comment about him not liking girls. Which I don’t think Mike should’ve thrown that back in face ESPECIALLY if he was the only person that knew. Lucas to the time to TRY and apologize but MIKE DIDNT?

Joyce and Hopper are a dynamic duo. Joyce deserves happiness and to not have every love interest killed off. This move will be good for her and the kids even though I feel like they’re going to come back at some point.

Hopper was so accepting of death, which I guess you kind of have to be when it’s right ther but ugh it was still so sad. He and Joyce will never get to have that date on Friday at 7 at Enzo’s 😪.

Steve Harrington and Robin. A beautiful pairing although they had me fools when I thought there was a possible love relationship going to happen

ALEXI DIDNT DESERVE TO DIE

I don’t care what anyone says about this either because I believe they Billy truely deserved better. This season really showed us a different side of him and for him to get redemption at the END of the season is fucked up😪. Because like I said earlier he and Max obviously had to bond over the 2 year time period and I’m pretty sure during that time there was some sort of affection between them and I don’t think El should’ve been the only one to bring that out of him. HOWEVER we did see a broken piece of him during the sauna scene towards Max, but I guess 🤷🏽‍♀️ (I’m not excusing anything he’s done cause it was all shitty af)

Eleven, 011, Jane Hopper. All she wanted was a family and a home and when she finally got it, it was ripped away from her. And then she lost her powers 😪 there was a point in time where I really didn’t think she was going to make to the end because she was just so tired and she kept pushing herself to keep everyone safe.

ERICA SINCLAIR a true icon 👏🏽 she had so many iconic lines: “isn’t it time you died” “you can’t spell America without Erica” “Commence Opperation Child Endangerment” “nerds” plus her whole speech about communism. A true icon

Maxine Mayfield, Max, Mad Max. I’ll never get over how hurt she was about Billy which goes to show that had gotten closer and we should’ve been able to see it because although they ‘hated’ each other they were still siblings and loved each other without admitting it

Nancy Wheeler and Jonathan Byers. Really we should call Nancy: Nancy Byers because come on, it’s gonna happen 🤗. I didn’t really like the whole working for the newspaper scenes, I don’t think they did anything for the season but I guess if you look at it from a being involved type view it all works out. Many and her moms heart-to-heart was really nice because none of the other parents, except Joyce and Hopper, are around to comfort their children and be around them to ask about their days.

Can we talk about the last episode. Jeez oh man, I cried like a baby. Like a really long ugly cry from Billy’s redemption scene all the way to the Byers and El leaving. What really fucked me up was when El started reading the letter and Hopper did the voice over. It was so sad because he never got to have that talk with her and I know he really wanted to. That letter is really the last heart felt thing she has left from Hopper and it makes it worse when we don’t know who is actually in Russia

But let’s talks about that. WHO TF IS IN RUSSIA???? I’ve seen some people say Billy and others say Hopper but really it can be either one here’s why. When Joyce turned the keys Hopper was on the other side of the magnetic force field and could have got transported to the Russian lab like how El got zapped to the upside down at the end of season 1. It could be Billy because he was used by the MF and I don’t think it’s done with him just like that because if that was the case Will wouldn’t be connected to it 🙂. So maybe after billy ‘died’ the Russians came back and took him and he woke up in Russia. AND where did they get the demogorgon from which leads to believe that a little sliver of the gate is still open somehow because how are they keeping it alive out of its habitat aside from feeding it people. It’s just a theory.

I think that’s about it. All in all the season was pretty great and I- I’m just still broken over these deaths.

when I see MF I read it a mother fucker instead of Mind Flayer and that says something 😗

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richiehozierr · 5 years ago

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Open Arms - Part One: Zig or Zag?

Pairing: teen!Reddie

Summary: Richie and Eddie annoy each other one crisp October evening.

Warnings: Cussing, Angst, Richie being a dick to the only person he’s ever loved (but what’s new?)

Word Count: 1,522

A/N: Hello yes hi this is my very first fic and I hope you like it! There will be four parts to this lil fic, and I’ll try to post a part every other day. Thanks for reading!

“Eds, get a move on, will ya?”

Richie’s eyes are wild behind his glasses, flicking between the walls of tall crop beside him. His red converse are sinking further into the fresh mud with each stomp, dirtying the cuffs of his rolled up jeans. He’ll worry about that later. He searches for any indication, any break in the walls, that would signal some teenager dressed as the Dollar General version of Jason Vorhees was lurking unseen.

“Fuck off. You dragged me into this filthy fucking maze. I could be at Bill’s with the rest of them right now.” Eddie huffs, his breath making small puffs of white clouds. Richie throws a glance back at him and shortens his stride until Eddie falls into step with him. Sometimes he forgets his legs are longer. Eddie shivers next to him, so Richie throws a sinewy arm around his shoulders.

“Don’t be precious, Edward. It’s just a little mud. Lighten up.” Richie smirks. He glances down at his friend out of the corners of his eyes. He isn’t shivering anymore, but Richie isn’t inclined to move his arm just yet. Maybe he still needs him. Eddie shrugs out of his hold dramatically.

“You know what, you can be a real asshat sometimes.” He remarks without any bite.

“Sometimes? Well I have to step up my efforts then.” Richie says with a shit-eating smile as he now walks in front of Eddie, his back to the path ahead of them.

“I have to step up my efforts then.” Eddie mocks in a nasally voice. “I’m Richie and I’m God’s gift to comedy-OW!!” Eddie yelps as Richie gives him a purple nurple, laughing before turning and taking off down the path.

Richie feels Eddie nipping at his heels as he runs. He takes a sudden and disorienting left turn. He zigs right next, then zags around another left corner, cackling. He runs until he can’t hear Eddie’s shaky breaths and curses behind him anymore. He stops to catch his own breath, finally looking around. For a haunted maze, it left a lot to be desired in the haunts department. After what he and his friends had been through, Richie wasn’t afraid of anything. Well, maybe one thing. He walks slowly, listening for Eddie. He hears rustling in the corn next to him on his left...his right?

“Eds?” He calls out. The air is still around him, silent, save for his own heavy breath that was fogging up his glasses. His steps come faster now. What if Eddie had gotten lost and is having an asthma attack? What if he tripped and fell in the mud and had a panic attack? What if Jason Vorhees popped out at him and had literally scared Eddie shitless?

“Eddie!” Richie shouts louder, anxiety growing in his chest, inflating like a red balloon. The all too familiar feeling. He comes to the fork in the road where he zigged. Or did he zag? “Fuck.” He mutters, squeezing his eyes shut, fighting the nausea. Eddie was right, like always. They shouldn’t have come here. He could be holed up in Bill’s garage with the rest of them, sneaking cigarettes with Bev and knocking knees with Eddie on purpose. He just had to be greedy and steal a date idea overheard in the halls the Thursday prior. Now Eddie’s probably hurt, the dumbass, and-

“RICHIE!!” A deep shout booms behind him and an icy hand grabs Richie’s wrist tightly. Richie whirls around, his heart in his throat, only to find Eddie. He’s laughing his ass off. Richie snatches his wrist away.

“Fuck you.” He hisses.

“You wish you could.” Eddie retorts, wiping tears from his eyes.

“Why would I wanna nail you when I’m already nailing your mom every night?”

“Good one, Tozier. Write that one down.”

“By the way, I didn’t know your balls finally dropped, Spaghetti, good for you!”

“Fuck off.”

“Dude, you’d probably actually die without me.”

Eddie laughs, finally, and the tension in Richie’s jaw releases. He slings his arm back around Eddie’s shoulders, pulling him close, and that’s the end of that. Eddie was okay, and they were back to normal. They walk back to Richie’s van together, weaving their way through the tall corn. It was comfortably quiet between them. Richie almost liked it better this way.

-------------------------------------------------

“Hey! Watch the fuck out, shit-for-brains!” Eddie cries out as Richie flops onto the already crowded couch in Bill’s garage. After a few disgruntled mutters from Ben and Bev, and a spirited box out attempt from Eddie, he finally wedges his slim hips between Eddie and the arm of the couch. “You’re lucky you have the body mass of a 9 year old.” He spits as Richie settles into his spot, warm and comfy next to him. He pulls the giant blanket that Ben, Bev, and Eddie are sharing across his lap too. Mike and Bill share a love seat and a blanket across from them, and Stan left early, not one for scary movies. Beverly flicks open her pack of Camels and offers the open box to Richie. Somehow, she always knew when he needed one most. Richie takes one and gets a light from her, taking a deep inhale and letting the sting of the smoke in his lungs soothe him after his evening at the pumpkin patch. He felt like an idiot, now, of course. Freaking out over Eddie. Freaking out over nothing. He exhales and gets an exaggerated cough from Eddie on his right.

“You would do this right next to me. You know I have asthma, you asshole, you just blew the smoke right in my damn face.” Eddie shifts himself as far as he can away from Richie, mumbling to himself.

“Hey Eddie? Shut the fuck up. The movie’s starting.” Richie sneers.

“Go to hell, Trashmouth.”

“Aww. Meet you down there, sweetheart.” Richie shoots back as he gives a short tug on Eddie’s earlobe, making the color rise to his cheeks. Ben shushes them both as the movie starts, and Richie flips off Eddie, whose eyes roll so hard they almost fall back into his head.

The title card flashes on the screen after the opening credits: Candyman. Richie keeps his cigarette dangling from his fingertips on the other side of the arm of the couch, trying to keep the smoke away from Eddie so that he’ll rest back into his side, and to his relief, he does. When he looks back over, Ben and Bev are cuddling, almost asleep, and Eddie‘s thick brows are knit together in worry, like they always are. He’s probably thinking about some stupid statistic about how many people die from secondhand smoke a year. A small smile teases the corners of Richie’s lips. That’s his Eds. Richie’s eyes drift down to Eddie’s scowling mouth, and licks his own lips subconsciously. He didn’t put any chapstick on today, he remembers suddenly. He blinks the thought away. Not like it mattered.

“Why are you staring at me, creep?” Eddie asks, his voice softer than his words. Richie stiffens, finally out of his own head.

“You had something on your face.” He says hastily. Fuck. FUCK. He knows.

“What?”

“This.” Thinking fast and stupid, he takes a drag of his cigarette and blows the smoke right in Eddie’s face, which immediately turns red with rage. Too far.

“Richie what the fuck, man?!” Eddie coughs and pushes Richie out of his way in his struggle to untangle himself from the group. He finally stands.

“I’m fucking leaving. You’re being an asshole tonight.”

“Eddie, I’ll drive you.” Bev says, now fully awake and trying to diffuse the situation. It’s a role she’s settled in to over the last couple of months. She stops the VCR.

“No, Bev. I’m sorry. I’m sorry guys, but I can’t stand to be around him right now.” Eddie points a finger at Richie. “I’ll just walk.”

“Eds, it’s freezing.” Richie adds, standing, moving towards Eddie “Look, I’m sor-“

“Fuck off, Tozier! I mean it!” Eddie steps back. “I’m going the fuck home so I don’t have to look at your smug ugly face until I’m forced to at school.” He says, his hands balled up at his sides. “And stop staring at me all the fucking time! It’s gross!”

Richie gulps, hard. He hadn’t known that Eddie had been noticing him all this time. Embarrassment warms his cheeks. He looks around the room to find all his friends are staring back at him. Shame rises in his throat like a flood in a basement. His jaw sets.

“Whatever, go cry to your fucking mom about it, Eddie. I’m sure she’ll be happy to have her pussy son back home under her ‘careful watch’. Oh, and next time you’re on your period, let me know and I’ll bring you a tampon.” Richie doubles down, winning. He always wins in fights like these, and he always feels sick afterwards. He turns away and stomps back to the couch and hears the slam of Bill’s side garage door. He angrily puts his cigarette out in Bev’s Coke can.

“Play the fucking movie.”

#reddie #richie tozier x eddie kaspbrak #it 2017 #it 2019 #reddie fan fiction #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #open arms fic #mine #richie x eddie #teen!reddie

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thedeviljudges · 6 years ago

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this is based off of a movie i watched the other night, and while i enjoyed it, i despised the ending because of the death scene. so here’s me, writing a prompt for this with a happier ending. keep in mind, everyone’s aged up to whatever number you want tbh. late 20s is sorta where i’d imagine it at.

billy and his gang of misfits preserve the village of hawkins, indiana after the government swept through and voided them of basic necessities due to the labs’ shutdown. labs that festered drug cartels and bosses from other communities that dipped their hand in drug trade because what’s more profitable than doped up kids ready for their next fix?

the weapon he carries in the waistband of his pants is always cold, always heavy, but billy needs it because crime knows no boundaries, and if he’s meant to help rebuild his community on the basis of legitimacy, then he’s got to be the ruthless scoundrel that does the dirty work to keep trafficking at bay.

he can’t watch any more kids die.

in the midst of his calling, billy sleeps and wakes and dreams of a prosperous future, one that doesn’t need his legs and hands and entire fucking body as a shield against destruction, his brain a powerhouse of ambiguous morality. he finds it in the notes he writes, along the pieces of paper and napkins he manages to find, hoards them in his run down shack of an apartment when inspiration sparks.

then, mike tells him he’s got this cousin he’s picking up at the airport. this cousin who’s got rumors rumors about him. about how he’s killed a guy and might be of some use.

tommy is softer than billy imagined, but he’s knuckled-prone, skin-and-teeth. a guard dog with a whole lot of bite. of course, he becomes billy’s right hand man.

what billy eventually learns, however--with as much appreciation for tommy’s slick ways of finding information, billy’s very own informant--he does not particularly enjoy the silence that reigns over tommy’s mouth the minute steve greets them during his daily afternoon walks, when he approaches the kids in the neighborhood and promises that he’ll teach them to dance--an opportunity usually only afforded to those with money and a subtle inclination to fill the time they all have on their hands.

see, billy doesn’t put pen to paper for naught. he writes what he feels and draws metaphorical lines of want between letters because billy has known steve since before he could talk, has been in love with him for that long, too. his heart leans on a different kind of beat when steve’s around, and the only soul he’s told are the four walls that don’t necessarily keep him safe.

which means billy’s never said as much. his words are lost to graphite and the internal monologue that gnaws his brain. he fills the black hole in his chest with other worries, those more important things like keeping the village safe, like protecting the kids he wants to see live past the age of thirteen.

billy doesn’t entertain the idea of steve in his arms or in his bed because that’s too arduous, which makes the requests--the eventual one he had an inkling would come--all the more painful to hear.

steve wants tommy, and he wants him protected. the pleas that fall from his lips tell billy all he needs to know about their feelings.

so on tommy’s behalf, billy writes. billy is brains as much as he is brawn, but some people don’t carry both gifts. tommy’s words are always malicious, particularly when he turns icy eyes upon their enemies. but to be with steve means opening up a soft part of himself that comes in the form of billy’s words, pretending, masquerading as a caricature tommy wishes he could be.

billy never says a word.

he protects his village, and he pours his heart into his writing even if steve believes they belong to another man. he’s content, he thinks, and maybe a monster destined for heroic endeavors fraught with loneliness.

but not all good things last.

tommy gets shot, and he dies in billy’s arms with one last request. a letter. just one. a tangible thing for steve to hang on to. how could billy deny the request of a dying man? of a friend who believed in the dream of a village free of treachery and death?

billy delivers the letter, and he listens to the sound of steve crying.

life goes on, but billy’s not sure if steve fully recovers.

the thing about miracles is that they only happen so often and never to a boy like billy. but once in a blue moon, they get the upper hand, and it takes years and sweat and blood, but they’re close. billy can feel it.

he stays. some go, some pass, and eventually when things settle in the village, steve says he’s moving just over the hill, to the school he’s always dreamed of. to dance and come back and prove to the youngins that they can leave. that that option was fought for. for them. for all of them.

billy visits sometimes, and that’s only because steve asked. they chat, reminisce, and billy always has updates of the improvements, of the stories that come from home that are most positive. instead of another death, there’s light at the end of a tunnel they never thought they’d see.

until steve asks about regrets. what are they, and what do they mean to billy? but he’s hardheaded, grown worn by decay and minimal self-love. of protecting the place he’s always called home. so he argues, with spite. asks steve what his biggest regret is and if he’d choose to take it back, sparks malice on his tongue because steve should know the regret that lingers through billy. every scar tells those stories.

in the end, he pulls out a letter, hand slapping against billy’s chest, over his heart in a dramatic show of exasperation. he’s angery, as he should be, because billy is love-worn, but tired, thinks maybe the love he had grew nimble and thin. and yet, he opens the letter, immediately recognizing the writing as steve turns away from billy’s ugly behavior.

an ugly man with an ugly past, with death at his feet and blood under his fingernails.

billy unfolds the paper, rests it on his knee, but he doesn’t look at it again. instead, he looks out into the garden, out at the flowers and the bushes, words falling from his tongue like he’d written them just yesterday. they flow like water off his skin, remembers the night he wrote these affirmations, the day he delivered it, the tears that sealed shut any possibility of what he’d wished they could be.

at some point, his mouth goes dry, and steve’s voice is calling his name, is asking no one has seen this letter, billy and how do you know what it says. that frantic anticipation lasts until billy’s done, until he blinks at steve with wet eyes, fingers curling the paper into a ball.

silence has a sound; it always did, and billy wonders why people seek it out because it’s drowning, and it’s loud, suffocating the way steve cocks his head and wonders if he’d written it. if the letter was his, if tommy was a lie, that love does not seep through paper as such unless it’s really meant.

to confirm or to deny would be another kind of death sentence, billy thinks, but the moment he looks away, steve lets out breath, a sob, and billy’s gathered in warm arms and warm lips against his temple.

for a boy like him, he knew something like this, like love, would never be possible. he’s only fortunate that steve has the compassion, has the heart to prove billy wrong.

steve loves him. mistakes and all.

#x #harringrove

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justtwilightshitposts-blog · 6 years ago

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So I got high as fuck and watched Twilight for the first time in 6 years and made a list of the thoughts running through my head. Anyways it’s under the cut, enjoy lol

Dramatic entry....

I don’t understand what she’s saying

Oh my god look at her stupid fucking cactus it’s so small and dumb

Why does she sound so miserable

Charlie her hair?? Really??

How is their house so big with one fucking bathroom

Charlie really had someone else decorate her room omg

Why is he such a good fucking dad. I want to cry

“Still dancin”..... aight, billy

Jacob looks so fucking angsty

She’s so excited about this huge ugly piece of shit truck how is she straight

Did it ever get explained in the series where the fuck Jacob goes to school

“Nice ride” ahah SOOOO FUNNY

I don’t remember his name but why is he such a try hard

*Ball comes at Bella* bella: fUCK

Jessica: stay the FUCK away from my man

Jessica you weird

Mike stop

Who tf is that dude omg he just took his fucking chair

“FEATURES DEAD, ANGELA”

Oh my god Jess when she says eating disorders aakkskakdn

This background music does not fit the characters

Yeah they live together omg

How convenient. A family full of people who fuck each other except ONE

HIS FUCKING STARE

Why they got a fan in the classroom

No introduction to the new kid? Unrealistic. Blocked.

Stop staring at each other what the shit bruh

Just jump tf out the classroom damn

Edward trying to slam the door omggg

How she gonna know you Santa when you dressed normal, tf

Just grab the ketchup

Jesus Christ just talk to each other

Goodbye cell phone then

Day one and you’re doing homework ok

Why is Edward so fucking cringey

He couldn’t handle it so he just stayed home fucking pussy

They just straight up threw a fucking rock at her

Things were getting strange AFTER he stops going to school hmmmmm?

Seriously their house is good sized

This bitch just fucking ate shit what a clumsy gay

“You’re not in Phoenix anymore”

“I need your playlist”

Why is EVERYONE hitting on Bella. She doesn’t even look straight

“Hello” bruuhhhh

His voice, TF

What is the golden onion

Why does he talk like... that

Bonding over science. Haha. Get it. Bonding

“How’s the weather”

Cold n wet. Cool

He laughin. Lmao

Aw his smile

I feel so awkward watching this conversation

Why doesn’t this bitch just sit tf still Jesus Christ

“Wait hOLD UP why didn’t you go with your mom and Phil just curious haha I’m just trying to analyze you no biggie”

The fluorescents. Walks away. ????

How tf did this mf even manage to almost crash like what. How did it even happen

He out this mf

Everyone just like. Sat there for so long not doing anything??? Then BAM OMG BELLA ALSKAJNCKDO”

Carlisle is so fucking white Jesus

Did she never notice his eyes are the same color as Edwards

Fuckin snitch omg Carlisle is not happy

“Hey ex wife our daughter almost died lol call me back”

They are really just arguing in the middle of the hospital tf?

I was standing right next to you....

why does he look like that

Rude ass tf?

Edgy moon

Tf she dreaming about

Wait so like he didn’t even start out with anything low key he just straight up fucking watched her sleep after knowing her a week

God why does he look like that. All the time

Poor mike oh my god

She’s lived here a week how does she already have plans conveniently the night of prom. Get a better excuse Bella

Recycled tea

Why is he so fucking creepy “what’s in Jacksonville” mf HOW you know

Rude ass again what the shit

Why would Bella care if you go to prom with mike, Jessica

“We shouldn’t be friends” no one said you were???

“Our bus is full” 💀

Call your fucking mother you asshole

Charlie don’t talk about Phil

She just walks tf out lmaoooo

How did anyone NEVER say anything about them NEVER eating lunch

La PUSH

He just bounced a fuckin apple

Stop being so cryptic what the fuck

“Let’s say for arguments sake that I’m not smart” bitch me too the fuck

“What if I’m... the villain” shut up you fucking emo oh my god

Come to the beach lol

This is all so awkward

Why did they like hardly ever show Angela

“You’re a strong independent woman” how do people think she’s straight

“The Cullen’s don’t come here” so fucking dramatic

“Yeah yeah whatever enough of you, what about the CULLENS”

Wait. How long have the Cullen’s been around? How long ago was the treaty made???

This music is so fucking dramatic

Oh no it’s Santa....

These bitches gay as fuck too James looks so fucking gay

How is it the entire time she’s trying to figure out the Cullen’s not ONCE does she question the quilietes being descended from FUCKING WOLVES

All these prom dresses boring as fuck

Like what the fuck even is that material

Jess is fucking... phat

“Sorry I don’t do prom dresses I just like really wanna go to this bookstore”

I don’t even want to know what would have happened if Edward didn’t come get her from these creeps...

She legit is about to get gang raped and like. No one ever said anything about this guys what the fuck

Why does Edward look like a fucking crack addict

“Sorry I just REALLY wanna murder these guys”

You should put YOUR seat belt on

“Yeah were gonna do everything that consists of a date but it’s not a date ok?”

No way that tiny bitch is gonna eat that whole ass plate

I’m gonna make sure YOU eat but I won’t alright?

Fucking math nerd

How DID he know she was there???

“I feel very protective of you even though I’ve known you for like less than a month”

He can read minds it’s no biggie

“Cat” bitch me too!!!

I can’t read YOUR mind tho sorry

Wait so why are certain vampires given gifts?

I don’t wanna stay away from you anymore lol

Ooooo our dads are here

“Animal attack” *GLARE*

“Idk what to say I’m so sorry”

Charlie STOP MY HEART IS FUCKING BREAKING

Animals are attacking and you give her pepper spray?

Why tf did they roll his whole ass body out in plain view why the hell was he not in a body bag!!!!

“Oh OKAY everything is starting to come together”

What is this dramatic dream where he’s all emo drinking her blood what the fuck is happening

“Follow me into the woods just trust me”

I don’t find it believable that he speaks like he’s from a different time. His dialect would change with time. Imagine him in 2018 fuckin yeet this and dab that lmaoooo

Why when he runs his legs move and nothing else

How fast are they even going

Diamonds are a girls best friend. And vampires.

“I’m a killer” on cool aha I’m just chillin alone in the woods with u haha no biggie

Why are you being so dramatic Edward

He just yeeted that fucking rock lol

“I’ve never wanted to kill anyone until you”

You’re my drug....

his voice is cracking me tf up

“I’m not afraid of you I’m afraid of losing you” you fucking emo

I want to die

I zoned out an all I heard was “sick masochistic lion” .... alright

Let’s just lay in the grass in the middle of the fucking woods it’ll be cute!!!

Do they just. Stare at each other and not talk...

Why do they use sound effects for his skin lmao

“My crush is a vampire lol ❤️”

What’s Monte Carlo

Everyone is staring lmaoooo

The siblings are not happy lmao

Why would you turn someone into a vampire like there is no logical reason to be like “you’re dying so I’m gonna make you live FOREVER”

They’re just chillin in the rain lmao

Literally tho like being a vampire would be pointless and fucking torture Jesus Christ why would you force that on a dying person

“Wanna meet the fam lol jk u have no choice”

The fucking stare down between Edward and Jacobs dad I’m fucking deceased

“Just keepin it real, son” broooo

Does anyone remember at one point in this series Edward and Jacob just fucking switched Bella off like what the shit was that was I just hallucinating

They cooked for her :(

How long has it been since they cooked

Esme is my soul mate

We NEVER use the kitchen

Jesus CHRIST Rosalie chill the FUCK out

Calm down you FUCKING drama queen

Please don’t kill me lol

Alice you Sapphic ass coming in on a fuckin tree branch

“Bella and I are gonna become great friends” does... does she KNOW. You know bc she can see the future

Alice is so cheery oh god

I too would be dramatic enough to frame all of my several graduation caps

I don’t... sleep

Like he doesn’t even need a chair like their legs never get tired. If they wanted to they could just stand every second of every day

Edward it is the 21st century catch up on the tunes, man

The face she made when he twirled her lmaooo

“I’ll MAKE you dance” .... alright

Why did they like. Move midair

This tree jumping shit just does not look scientifically accurate

“This kind of stuff just doesn’t exist” ... the woods?

Let’s sit in a fucking tree and just talk forever

I wonder who wrote the song Edward wrote. It’s actually... good???

Why is the footprint on top of this fucking mound of dirt lol

Hey hey you You I don’t like your boyfriend

I would kill for Charlie

No one like ACTUALLY questions why a HUMAN foot print is found in the murder scene

“Go SOCIALIZE”

He just fucking comes out of nowhere fuck

How much time does this movie take the course over “only the last couple months” ????

“There’s always something I wanted to try” *kisses bella* you gonna tell me you’re 100+ years old and a virgin???????

This kissing scene must have been so awkward

He just fucking. Zooms back into the wall

Does Charlie not hear any of this???

Edward. She needs to sleep bro

I’m sorry but if my partner never slept I would never sleep with them like don’t fucking watch me sleep the shit???

He just fucking loves his gun

What is he doing over his head ??

We’re just gonna play a family game of baseball lol

Charlie cares so much :(

Charlie doesn’t even question that they’re going to play baseball in a thunderstorm

The baseball scene is in my top iconic scenes in cinematic history

Why do they keep the field so small if they hit the ball so far ???

Emmet my fuckboy baby

When emmet and Edward collide. Iconic.

These gay ass Mfers and their dramatic entrances

Why is putting her hair up going to help. It’s not her hair they smell it’s her blood? Right??

Vampires just go around claiming territory??

All around America??

James knows

Why do they hiss....

The fucking Cullen clan all just bend their knees and hiss like what the shit

“I can buckle MYSELF Edward”

This all went 0-100 real quick

Edward step up your acting game. Monotone ass mf

Charlie is so fucking confused

What even is she grabbing

Ok but Charlie’s so supportive of her and like all he cares about is her being safe oh my god

And he never knows that she didn’t mean any of what she said :((((((

That would fucking kill me oh my god poor Charlie

When they land on her truck... where are they coming FROM...

“Her kind” ... gingers?

Rosalie has a point...

Laurent was just a third wheel

Why do they drive so fast

How the hell was Bella even going to explain this to her mom??? What was her plan.

James.... Jesus your fucking face...

How did he get into the high school

You fucking dumbass you just gonna. Fight a fucking vampire? What is her plan? Fight him? Show up and take her mom and get out???

Also how did she even sneak past Alice and jasper

Wait how did he get this video

You dumb as shit bitch!!!

You can’t fight a vampire the fuck!!!

Why is the part where James shoved Edward against the mirror so sexually tense

This whole fucking ballet studio scene is just too dramatic

Why is she convulsing tho. Is that how it is when you turn into a vampire??? You fucking have a seizure???

Alice fucking SNAPPED

This whole series could have ended right here if they just let her fucking change into a vampire right then and there

Shut the fuck up and suck, Edward

Why her face look like.... that

Carlisle just PUSH HIM

Why are the tubes like ON her eyeballs

Edward sleeping... ha

The whole falling down the stairs bullshit story is so fucking ridiculous lmaoooo

“You’re texting” this movie is so old

Which leg is broken???

I almost killed you lol sorry. Also get the fuck out of Forks

Bella: *insert lady from lipstick in valentino bag vine*

Ok so her right leg is in the cast but in the hospital she was chillin in the bed with her right leg bent?

Jacob where did you come from lmao

“My dad paid me to come talk to you”

“Also you need to break up with your boyfriend”

The instant tension between Edward and Jacob and Bella is so fucking oblivious

“The wolves descend” REALLY EDWARD

Was their senior prom ever mentioned in the series???

She’s so fucking short omg

This music: A++

No seriously what is with everyone’s dresses being so ugly

“I want you always” bitch you just met like 2 months ago???

Bella is so desperate for the dick that she wants to become a fucking vampire

She actually thought he was gonna bite her at prom lmao????

They kiss so awkwardly

Victoria looks so jealous

And hot

Where is she going

Oh it’s over ok cool gn

#my post #twilight #bella swan #edward cullen #carlisle cullen #esme cullen #rosalie hale #rosalie cullen #emmet cullen #jasper cullen #alice cullen #twilight saga #humor

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mileven-writer · 6 years ago

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She's not you

The age of 17 was a hard one for El. She was dealing with some insecurities about the way she looked, her messy, curly and shoulder-sized hair, and mainly, the way Mike looked at her. It's not like he ever found her ugly or something. She just felt that, whenever she spent more time getting ready, he would look at her with his starry eyes, and when she just woke up and left, he wouldn't.

She started to look at the other girls and try to find what made them beautiful, and tried to copy. Of course, Mike wasn't blind. He always realized she was trying to change, and he would stop her, telling how beautiful she was, but she just couldn't buy it.

Those insecurities kind of made her a little jealous.

On a sunny Friday, they were having the period they hated the most. The only one they had different subjects. She had maths and he would have P.E. When it ended, El just ran to the court to pick him up so they could go to the cinema and watch "Die Hard", the movie they've been expecting for ages.

When she got there, Mike was talking to a Blondde girl who was obviously flirting with him and laughing the louder she could. When she turned her face, El recognized. It was that bitch from her english class that used to make fun of her to dating "frog-face". But then, puberty happened, and she suddenly finds him so damn funny, what a coincidence!

She was also having P.E. and was wearing the smallest size of uniforms they could ever sell. Her shorts seemed uncomfortably tight and her shirt was showing all of her curves. Shit. She was hot! El looked down to her body and tried to compare. Yeah, that she couldn't copy.

Already pissed, El started to walk in their direction pretending to rip him away from there, otherwise they would miss the session. She would handle her jealous later with Mike. But, when she came closer, that inconvenient, arrogant, inconsequential, boyfriend thief girl realized it, and jumped into Mike's arms to hug him.

"Ohhhh, thanks Mikey! You just sabed my life"

When he realized it, gently pulled her away (trying not to hurt her).

"Yeah, sure. I gotta go."

"Oh, but I need to thank you in some way. Let me take you to lun-"

Suddenly, "something" made her stumble on her own feet, and the second she felt, Mike recognized that kind of incident.

"Shit!"

He looked around trying to find his girlfriend, when he saw her wiping tears away and walking out the court.

"Shit!Shit!Shit!"

He ran after her, not even bothering himself to help the girl. When he catches her, grabs her arm.

"Come on El, I was just talking to her!"

"Don't you dare tell me that!"

She couldn't hold her tears anymore.

"I'm not crying because you were fucking talking to someone. I'm upset because you were talking to the stupid girl that you know that bullied me, that still it a huge bitch and that is so into you. I'm upset because she is so pretty and hot, and she catches your attention just snapping her fingers. She was flirting with you so hard and you didn't even tried to stop her. She keeps hanging around with those stupid boobs and her soft hair and all of that stuff and-"

He interrupts her, with a desperate, intense kiss.

"Do you know why I don't do that to her? Because she is not you," He tucks a curl behind her ear and hold her hands. "Because no matter how her boobs are, yours are better," She tried so hard not to laugh in that part."No matter how her hair is, your is better. No matter the way she looks, your way is better. God, so much better," he cups her face with his hands. "You have no idea how pretty you are, El. I'm pretty sure I' the luckiest boy in the hole world to have you. You are beautiful when you wake up, you are beautiful when you are sleeping, you are beautiful even when you're fighting the upside down," he tried to say those last words the lowest he could."You are gorgeous! You are amazing! And... I'm not blind. I know she was flirting with me, and I tried to stop, but she is the tutor from the P.E. classes, and I can't be rude to her if I want to get aproved, since it turns out I've missed a lot of those classes the classes the past weeks!" El knew why. She've missed a couple of math classes too. "When I was talking to her, I was just answering a doubt she had about chemistry, and she overreacted, I guess. And of course I know she've been a bitch to you. That's why, when she asked me the answers for the exam on the last trimester, I gabe the wrong answers! And El... I don't do this to her," he gave her a soft kiss."because I love you. Not her. You are the prettiest girl in the entire school, and no other girl will make me take what i just said. I promise.Okay?"

It was like he knew exactly what she needed ti hear.

"Okay."

He kissed the top of her haid and walked to his car holding hands.

"So, I really meant the boobs part, you know? I really like your boobs!"

"Shut up" she said, giggling.

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