#love that turns into hate that turns into love toxic yaoi wins

[basilbots]

Imma be honest masm Sun and Moon both being terrible, bat shit insane block boys who obsessively hate and/or love each other is great actually

[tossawary]

I've been toying with a "third transmigrator" AU for SVSSS in which the third transmigrator is a teenage girl who ends up in Luo Binghe. This teenage girl tried to read PIDW because someone else liked it, but didn't get far because she didn't like it.

Disinclined to follow the plot, the teenage girl decides to transition, because fuck it (crying breakdown), she doesn't want to be a guy. Ning Yingying is initially the only one in on it (and then some Qian Cao Peak people). This new Luo Binghe knows JUST enough about the plot of PIDW to avoid Shen Qingqiu's attention as much as possible and so swears Ning Yingying to secrecy regarding the transition. She intends to hide it until the Transmigration System lets up on the missions and restrictions a little.

Meanwhile, Shen Yuan is like, "How am I supposed to improve my relationship with the protagonist if i never see him? Did he just jump out a window to avoid me?! Also, hmph, the bullies are all calling him 'Luo-Shimei' now? Just because he's pretty??? I had better go tell them off for it!"

(Shen Qingqiu, please, your students are getting the impression that you're transphobic!!!)

If Luo Binghe's transition comes out before the Immortal Alliance Conference, Shen Yuan is going to 1) think it's his own fault somehow and 2) be more than a little weird (and a little transphobic) about it.

Shen Yuan (internally): "Oh, shit, NOT abusing the protagonist turned him into a girl??? How does that work???"

The endgame relationship here is a messy love triangle between Luo Binghe, Ning Yingying, and Ming Fan. Ming Fan is like, "What do you do when the shidi you hate falls down the stairs and nearly dies, and then apparently can't remember you used to bully him and expects you to be a good shixiong, and becomes best friends with the girl you like but also starts turning into a cute girl too??? But you can't tell Shizun any of this otherwise the girl you like will kill you???" Ning Yingying is like, "I was so caught up in the thrill of makeovers and having a new sister that I forgot to examine why, when she's approached by guys, I want to tear their throats out with my teeth. Ming-Shixiong is not good enough for A-Luo!!!" And Luo Binghe is like, "Wow, Ning Yingying is such a good friend. And so pretty. I could stare into her eyes for hours. Ming Fan is kind of a jerk sometimes, but he's cute, I guess. He needs to shape up if he wants to win Ning Yingying's heart someday! She married a guy, so she's definitely into guys."

This third transmigrator isn't paying too much attention to their own love life partially because they're too busy 1) trying to survive, 2) trying to do right by their friends, and 3) trying to figure out if Shen Qingqiu and Liu Qingge are in a "toxic yaoi relationship" and, if so, which one of them tops more frequently and where Yue Qingyuan fits into things.

If you haven't guessed yet, this third transmigrator is actually Shen Yuan's younger sister, who transmigrated at like 16 years old at the oldest. This identity reveal comes out at the Immortal Alliance Conference, seconds before disaster (the push into the Endless Abyss), and no earlier. It does not go well. The Transmigration System is mostly to blame.

Live Shang Qinghua Reaction: "Oh, fucking yikes, bro."

This Luo Binghe hands a lot of control over to Meng Mo to get out of the Endless Abyss. An inadvisable amount of control, really, even if Meng Mo is soft on the girl. Afterwards, they sort of stumble into the arms of Huan Hua Palace. Shen Yuan's sister did not read far enough to know pretty much anything about this sect, especially not that it's a terrible idea to be here while being both a Heavenly Demon and (post-transition) looking like even MORE of an identical clone of Su Xiyan.

(Tianlang-Jun and Zhuzhi-Lang ARE both going to be kind of awful and weird about it, yes, at least initially.)

Gongyi Xiao, after showing basic kindness to this poor young woman: "Hey, why are those two Qing Jing Peak disciples glaring at me like they want me dead?"

[ao3-top-batfam-ships-bracket]

SLADICK PROPAGANDA YOU SAY?

Sladick is the ultimate I think I wanna fuck that old man ship. Slade is a silver fox and the best assassin in the world, and Dick is the hot young hero vowing to stop him. They are the most versatile ship, the two who genuinely should hate each other but can’t seem to stay away. They can do everything.

You want messy complicated personal relationships? Slade blames Dick for his oldest son’s death even though it was an accident and he was attacking them, and Slade wasn’t a very good father anyway. But then Dick gets to blame Slade for killing one of Dick’s best friends who is Slade’s other son, and was possessed and basically begged Slade to put him out of his misery!!! They both have grounds to want to kill the other but how can you kill someone who loved and was loved by the person you love???? Dick literally starts a fight with Slade blaming him for Joey’s dead, Slade yells back that he loved Joey too and THROWS DICK INTO A CAR, and then goes u ok??? Did you hurt your back?? 🥺

But!! If you want something more flirtatious and fun, they also grow to respect each other and have a soft spot for each other. Once, Slade gets hired to kill Dick’s friend, so Dick goes up and offers him the same money, PLUS 50 CENTS, not to kill her. And Slade, the #1 mercenary in the world who never breaks his contracts, accepts the deal!!!! Basically Dick’s sugar daddy in that scene i s2g

One time, Slade told Dick to “prove” he’s a bad guy now (long story) by training Slade’s daughter in villainy. Dick spends all this time playing family with Slade and his teenager, and then breaks up the family in a super dramatic way by driving the daughter away towards being a hero. So Slade DROPS A NUKE ON DICK. Did someone ask for toxic yaoi???

Just in 2022, we got Slade (possessed by a bigger, darker bad), launching a war on the entire world. Dick beats him in a fight, but turns around to realize that all his friends are in bad positions; he asks Slade what it would take to save everyone else, and Slade letting Slade kill him. WHY? BECAUSE “YOU WERE ALWAYS THE TROPHY, GRAYSON. WHY WOULD I WASTE TIME ON ANYONE ELSE?” The ultimate enemies to lovers. That is a quote from a real comic page published on paper by DC Comics.

They even take the cake in any AU; bad guys win? Slade is gonna be the guy who saves Dick’s life, even when Dick might not want to be saved. Royalty in warring nations? Dick is the political hostage getting traded to save his nation. HS AU? Slade is the football coach trying to force gymnast Dick onto the team. I haven’t even touched on non canon stories like tt03!! Or Titans (2018 TV)!!! THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS.

You're so right anon, thank you for submitting the propaganda.

[totaldrama-showdowns]

Unused Submissions for the Favorite Rivalry Showdown!

justin and trent

please im so tired of seeing fluffy ship art of them THEY DO NOT LIKE EACH OTHER

justin literally got him eliminated i cant imagine they had a good relationship after action

"one time justin threw a tambourine at me and that kinda hurt >:|"

THE GUITAR SNATCH AND GLARE IN CELEBRITY MANHUNT

you know they had the nastiest most jawdropping arguments in the recording room during drama brothers recording sessions

uhh yeah they hate each other they should get to fight to the death as a treat

Alejandro and duncan

they're perfect

Scax

is this a rivalry? idk

Dave vs Leonard

IT'S ME! I DON'T BELIEVE IN YOU! NOW PICK UP THE PIG!

Lindsay vs Courtney

it was brief but it was enjoyable

Izzy and Justin

They're sooo funny, especially cause they're exes

Julia vs Priya

I don’t actually think this is the best one I’m just putting it here because we need more reboot characters in this bracket

Whatever Lindsay and Beth had with Heather after Island

you go girls

Geoff and Trent

hockey bros vs birds

why do they get beat up by birds so frequently

Dawn and Scott

Ok sure they lasted for two scenes but THEY COULD'VE BEEN SUCH GOOD RIVALS MAN

Julia vs Every Other TD '23 Blonde

Nominating this because I think it's funny

Julia and Caleb

I don’t actually gaf about them but i like when julia hit him with a frying pan or something

the roti writers and gen 2 female characters

they did them so dirty :(

bowie vs straight people

he's seen enough

chris vs blaineley

divorced enemies sweep

lightning vs cameron

it was ooc but it kinda slayed

Chris and Sierra

The New York episode. Please Chris should've been a hater the whole season and Sierra wouldn't notice it would be funny. See my vision

Ezekiel Vs Death

I just know Death keeps snapping those bony fingers any time Ezekiel escapes death

Emma and Julia

white on white violence

Terry and Chref

We saw that tweet

Mal and Julia

Mal plays the game really well and Julia's getting insecure. But I have faith Julia will triumph

Marmaduke and Garfield

I love tti

Me vs Blaineley

We are currently fighting over who gets 2 date Kelly (I'm winning)

larry v chef

chef’s gotta defend his man what can I say

Everyone (- Priya) Vs Caleb

He literally has no friends.

priya's personality versus the writers

season 2. need I say more?

Heather Vs Blaineley

I cannot tell you how funny it is that Blaineley turned up to the TD jumbo jet and chose violence against a girl half her age

Ezekiel and Chris

demolish that monster zeke

Sky vs Dave

He tried to kill her I think this counts as a rivalry at least a little bit

Damien vs Millie

Yeah! The finish line!

Duncney

toxic yaoi

Noah anf Harold

autism on autism violence and we love that

do alejandro and noah count,,, if not im voting leshawna and heather

brainrot says so

jasmine and shawn

just being a hater here, they were much more tolerable (but still crappy) when she hated him over them being a couple

dramarama ella and dramarama max

why couldnt this be their dynamic in the canon show

Damien & Julia

WE WERE ROBBED OF THEM!!!!

MK vs the bear

They literally fought in a duel together

Geoff/Bridgette and blaineley

Ma'am that's a child. Leave him by

Mal Vs Duncan

They suck I hope they get in so they're elimination fodder so someone else can go forward easily.

alejandro puppet and heather

1984

Wayne and me

I hate you little white boy! Get a job

[deathzgf]

( almost ) ALL MY AMREV + FREV WIPS ( 12 october - 5 november 2023 ) ! ! ! ! !

WARNING : long ass post jFDSFLKJSLF ( will all be under the cut )

NOTE : not everything is here ! a lot of my amrev + frev drawings are doodles ive done in class ( which i cant find ) + i Do Not Like a lot of them + Tumblr only allows so many images T___T

ah yes . . . the doodle that started it all . . . my good omens sona in the french revolution ! except i had no idea what i was doing at ALL and had no historical context ! which i now do have and it makes me ENRAGED for how good omens handled that era . . . why are they in the bastille in 1793 . . . ANYWAYS ! YEAH !

aaand because of that doodle , i researched frev fashion ! and guess what ! that robespierre fashion video came up ! wooo robespierre ! and then this was the first fucking thing i drew of him i cant . I WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW THE FUCK HE MISSED SO BAD + HOW THE BULLET WOULD LOOK

BECAUSE after that i drew this ! pookie ! ! !

first saint just drawing . i was listening to angel with a shotgun on loop . . . and i thought . . . angel with a guillotine . . . get it cuz hes . hes angel of the terror . and . and . a

i dont have any explanation for this

i hate this . but first robespierre AND saint just drawing wahoo

first frev oc except the hair on that one drawing is red because i went back and changed it cuz i made their name Jules Le Roux and . You know . Red hair . yeah

jules and calixte ! ! ! calixte is @toastytrusty ' s oc and my sweet sweet little baby i love them dearly

. . . saint just doodle i forgor to come back to

JULES AND CALIXTE LORE

miku binder robespierre

saint just painting robespierres nails because :3

WE INTO THE AMREV NOW WOOO . anyways me when ive married and icarus and hes flown too close to the sun lol ( his wings are meant to be burning letters btw . yeah )

jules , calixte , and leonard interaction ! ! ! ! !

which didnt go well

this turned out gayer than intended i genuinely dont know what happened here

i wanted to continue this so bad but i fucking forgot about it but Uhhh uhhhhh uhhh

you know those vamp ! robespierre and vamp hunter ! saint just aus ? yeah

PLEASE STOP SAYING IT LOOKS LIKE A DICK IVE NEVER DRAWN A VIOLIN BEFORE PLEASE LEAVE HIM ALONE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE . anyways he playsss theee violinnn he tucks it right underr hisss chinnnnn

winning the idgaf war . unbothered . living his best life

theres a storytime for this drawing but ill save that for later . john adams ( 2008 ) scene redraw but instead of jefferson grabbing adams elbow its his waist except it looks awful and i need to redo it soo baddd

vamp ! robespierre and saint just ( ? ? ? i guess vamp hunter ! saint just cuz thats usually what goes with vamp ! robespierre but idk man ) . they were meant to be on like some moonlit picnic or some shit but then class ended and i forgor about this

donald trump , alexander hamilton , and thomas jefferson . need i say more ?

the ORIGINAL toxic doomed yaoi ( hamburr )

burr . boobies :3

that one scene from saint just et la forces des choses BUT AGAIN this turned out gayer than intended . why do they keep doing this

hey girl i think theres something wrong with your leg

semi modern band ! gay trio . . . thing . . . ? girl idk . but i gave up

making jules a proper ref ! who cheered !

AAAND THATS IT !

let me know if . you want me to finish any of these because otherwise theyre probably going to rot in my gallery HELP

[grundalucious075-blog]

Fragments and Sparks: My Writing Origin Story

We're gonna break tradition a little and skip some parts at the beginning.

We're gonna skip my mom meeting my dad and eventually marrying him.

We're gonna skip the miscarriage she had with his child.

We're gonna skip the day I was born, and my formative years as a smaller-than-average child who loved to tell stories, even winning first place in a local children's writing competition with my illustrated "book", Zorn the Unicorn and Meal the Seal.

Instead, we're gonna skip to late 2007, being the weird kid who always started a week later than everyone else. When small arguments between my parents started to rapidly become explosive and toxic. When my bad luck of being an easy target for bullies started to come to a climax. When I turned to physical fights and scraps to make them stop with no real success, only injuries that were no longer hidden.

When I needed escapism the most.

I was already drawing: I was drawing Kingdom Hearts fanart (RokuNami and SoRiku were my main OTPs, at the time). I soon found myself with an urge I haven't felt in nearly seven years:

I wanted to tell a story.

I wanted to tell a love story.

But I was afraid to write fanfiction. I was worried that it wouldn't be good, that the characters would be too OOC (out of character), and that everyone would hate it. Not to mention the major hurdle of the toxic lesson of "don't try something new if you think you're gonna suck at it. It's best to always try if you know you're gonna succeed in every way possible" didn't make things easy. But I still wanted to write. So what was a smol bean like myself to do?

I created my own characters: Adam and Turk.

I created my own setting: a small, fictional city in Japan.

I created my own plotlines, my own antagonist and motives, my own story flow.

Soon, a year has passed, and Adam and Turk were all I wrote about.

They were my children. My lovely, simple, gay children. By the time I was a freshman in high school, I had a small binder filled with the stories about the two I printed, a folder with the countless illustrations I made, and a whole gallery on deviantART dedicated to the two. The stories and art never really got much attention, despite the amount of groups I submitted to...in fact, not a lot of mine got noticed except for a Pokemon SoulSilver Nuzlocke story I ran in 2010-2011 (completely in text, known as a Writtenlocke).

I was a little upset, I'm not going to lie. It felt like nobody wanted amything to do with my stories, and I usually got very little to no feedback. But, I had two things that kept me going:

I met my best friend shortly after the second semester started. I was drawing a cute picture of Adam and Turk (the latter kissing the former on the cheek, whishing him a good dau at work). A cute blonde girl noticed it and, with a gasp that rivaled Pinkie Pie, said "Oh my god, you like Yaoi? I LIKE YAOI TOO! You're my best friend now!"

And just like that, I had a best friend who also liked to write. I would try to illustrate her work, and she would help me with my writing. We encouraged each other. Even to this day, long after the horrible days of high school, long after she helped me discover I was bisexual, and long after our friendship blossommed into romance that was killed by a poor descion on my part, I value that time, and I truly miss them.

The second was that I discovered how happy I was. Even with my mother's attitude becoming increasingly toxic and abusive (especially after I told her I was bisexual), I found my happiest moments spent late at night, writing, drawing, playing music, listening to YouTube videos, and chatting with friends on deviantART. I loved the feeling. It lead to an epiphany about what I wanted to do with my life: to create.

It was vague, and admittedly, not well thought out. I was never very good at picking a "sensible" career path.

My mother seemed to agree. She had different ideas in mind that I don't wanna delve into too much, so I'll just say that my current full-time employment at a bagel deli is not only less-than-ideal, but also her getting the last laugh.

We're gonna skip some more bits to save some time and feels; mainly the parts about us getting evicted from our home, my mother's abuse and manipulation coming to an intense climax, and being forced into a college and life plan I had no real say in. Not for the first nor last time, I was shattered. I lost the will to create. Adam and Turk were nothing but fleeting, rose-colored high school memories. I felt empty.

I wanted to die.

One night, I was up very late. I had classes the next morning, but I didn't care. I was idling around on an ancient laptop that my mom got for me (after literal MONTHS of begging) when an idea struck me. I wanted to write something magical. Something with adventure and fighting! Something that still had romance.

In March 2013, I started writing a series of stories that finally convinced me that I wanted to become a writer.

That series, is my beloved KoB.

I've faced a lot of hurdles that I'll discuss another time. My passion has waxed and waned as often as the moon, but writing, in some form, is still a large part of my life...and something that will always make me happy.

So now...here I am. In the dwindling hours before 2018 ends, and 2019 begins. Just looking back at it all makes me feel a certain kind of way--even with all the stuff I left out. The fact that, even though it's all been for one project, I've stuck to this stupid, silly fantasy set in the mid 2010s for over five years, is more than proof to me that this is where I belong.

This is a part of who I am.

And soon...2019 will be a part of that as well.

Happy New Year, everyone! We're all great! We all deserve love and recognition! Let's all work to make this year one of the best of our lives!

Aaaaand even if this year doesn't turn out so great, than it'll still be an important chapter in my life...and in everyone else's.

GRUNDY OUT!

[cerebusfire17]

Still curiouser and curiouser

I still don’t fucking get it and it’s driving me nuts. I could make millions of assumptions a day, and yet I know they’re only what I could possibly believe ***** did it for this reason or that.

And the only good reason I have is my husband--specifically, my relationship with him, as well as my daughter. Everything got worse when I got pregnant with my daughter, especially after the 12wk mark.

It’s the only thing I keep coming back to that makes the most logical sense, as well as something that happened a while ago that I totally forgot about. When we were still cool a few month ago, ***** wanted to do an RP with me on IWaikurp.com or whatever the hell it is right? We wanted to do a FF VII fanfic because we both love the game (She introduced me to it).

Everything was going good, until we got to Cloud and Sephiroth. She had Sephiroth opening the doors, with her same style: something relaxed without much intrigue, but just enough information to keep you curious. I wrote the next part, as Cloud, describing his day and then his reaction to seeing Sephiroth trying to open the door.

She tells me, after that entry and letting the RP get frozen, that she doesn’t want to write with me anymore, because I’m “too aggressive” of a writer..... And I would agree with that assessment, except the way I’m writing now is the same style I’ve written since we first exchanged stories in High school. 

The reason, I believe, she didn’t want to write anymore, was because I actual take the time to write and make a story a fucking story. It wasn’t until I actually started to put my own style into the story rather than just write random words to continue a scene that bothered her, which was weird because she was asking me to lead and to come up with ideas the entire time. We were both working on the story, but when it came down to it, everything that we had written so far (if it’s still up) was based on everything I thought up, not her. She would ask, “what should we do here?” and I would say “Uh, idk, kill a whore, yaoi, Cid cursing ridiculously for tea--take your pick!”

I would always end up inviting her to give some sort of idea to the story, but it was like hitting a brick fucking wall. There was a girl I once knew named Harlie I tried to do an RP with. I kept us stuck in the church. 

I understand why Harlie hates me so much now, but at least Harlie had the balls to say to my face, so she has my respect.

But ***** never gave anything. She never gave any ideas, never stuck with her ideas, never tried to inspire me to try and do something different. Everything became my idea, and after a while, I decided “Fuck it, I’m writing the way I normally write. I want my characters to have a powerful voice when I write about them.” And I will give you an example: Erizen--

“Tall, fraile to the eyes and unsettling to the stomach, this man walked through the streets with a silent vengeance, and reason to search for something he had been missing. Violet eyes met the strangers all around him: the vendors, the customers, the by-passers, the traffic, the police that gave him a glaring stare. Did I appear that suspicious, he wondered. He kept his eyes beneath the rim of the wet hat on his head, protecting his spectacles from the heavy rain that always followed him, no matter the time or place, or maybe the rain was all in his head. He was never too sure how real or illusory the world around him was. One of his soaked, pruned fingers pressed his spectacles back up onto his nose, before he reached the dinner. He just wanted something to eat. It had been so long, he couldn’t remember the last time food even tasted good to him. He was so used to eating quickly unitl he was full, until he was able to roam again and quickly. He was never prone to stick around to make friends or enemies.”

THAT’S HOW I WRITE ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!! I’ve attempted to work and polish and have my work critisized by strangers and people who I thought liked books but turned out they thought they could get into my pants, which was like “ew!”. I’ve worked my ass off to make my writing as nice as I can get it. I write descriptively surrounding the story. Me, slowing and handicapping myself for my friend just so she doesn’t feel intimidated by my practice and art, doesn’t help me or her. She wants to be a writer too, but if she can’t handle RPing with someone with an “aggressive” writing style, how is she going to handle it when people actually read her publications and realize that she hasn’t polished her work yet?

And I’m not saying she’s a bad writer or anything. It’s nothing like that, but it’s like she got so much WORSE! It’s like she doesn’t even care enough about her characters enough to make them feel like real fucking people. she just writes them for scenes. I’ve tried to give her criticism on her writing, like “you can try this with your character,” or “Make this person like someone you really hate and that will make them an interesting villain,” and she would blow me off every time, but would expect me to take everything she said with a pound a gold rather than a grain of salt. the only time she would see her advice was if I was writing directly to her, or in one of the 4 drafts I sent her with separate endings. IRONICALLY, it was the work without her advice that she enjoyed the most--the work that i specifically lied about--and then she would assume the work WITH her advice was my own and try to tell me how to improve it.

It was one of the first ways I found out that she didn’t pay attention to a fucking thing I ever said or did.

But it’s always been like this with her. When it came to Magic: the Gathering, we couldn’t play anymore because she didn’t want to lose--something about when her father would win a game, he would rub it in her and her brother’s face, which is like “okay, but I’m not your dad, so....”--and actually yelled at me the first time we ever played because she didn’t win. Every video game we would play together that was multiplayer was MMORPGs, with was more about developing the self rather than competitive algorithmic skills in a computing setting with victory defined by who uses the best combinations of correct codes the fastest and most efficiently. 

Which is fucking weird, because she would play those games with everyone else and lose graciously. I could be like not even half a step closer to the finish line and she’ll give up in the middle of it. And it’s not like I’m talking shit or anything (because she gets upset really easily and I never wanted to hurt her feelings) but I could be dead silent, and if she thought she was losing, she would throw shit. And it was irritating to the point where I didn’t even try to get her to do anything with me anymore.

all she would ever do is throw a fit when she didn’t get her way, and I was sick of it. She HATES competition. Like, a lot. A lot more than most people. A lot more than most narcissists, now come to think of it. It was her biggest pet peeve cause she never wanted to feel like a loser.... which is stupid because she is and, like the rest of us, she needs to accept that she’s a scrub ass, insignificant loser like the rest of the population. It was like anything that would make her look... er, “Secondary”, pissed her off. A lot.

And don’t get me started on the time when I was dressed better than her. I fear there were occasions were she intentionally guided me to looking like I literally lived in a cardboard box.

I keep wondering if she felt like she was in competition with my husband, as if the baby was the last straw, like she knew that my daughter would be the very thing that made her realize that I would never be with her or want her. Well, technically, after the whole “leave-your-husband-for-me” shit, she lost on that anyway. I wonder if she thought I would try to do what she did when she got married: entice my best friend into an affair and then throw an ultimatum her way just to spice things up.

But this is how I feel, not what I know, and that’s why I’ll always be wrong in this  and why I’ll never have an actual answer from this bitch, because If I’m wrong, then she never had a reason but was just looking for one, and If I’m right, then she would never tell me because that would destroy the illusion that she created, the lie, that I am the “toxic” one, that she keeps telling herself so she doesn’t lose her mind from all the guilt and regret she’ll feel eventually.

Honestly, maybe she did it on purpose more because I stopped writing all those poems and songs about her years ago. It got boring though. I can’t keep writing about a person forever, and I have other things to do. I actually stopped writing about her after she tried the shit with me while my husband was gone, now that I think about it. No, that’s a lie, I think wrote two more: for lament of emotions, of course. but after that, I was done. Maybe it was because she got sucked into the internet and I was trying to remain on planet earth? It’s hard to be a Pintrest mom when I’m a Grieving mother with bills to fucking pay. 

Maybe she just got tired of trying to be a friend to someone she didn’t want to have anything in common with? It’s not like she and I were on the same page anymore; she didn’t even tell me sorry for the death of my daughter, so obviously compassion isn’t a priority anymore. Maybe she did it hoping at some point I would keep trying so she could give me an ultimatum about our relationship? Maybe she just said nix the ultimatum and to cut off the friendship because she realized that I didn’t want her like I used to. I was happier as friends, not as lovers, and that’s the only way we would have worked.

Maybe my daughter WAS the last straw for her, which makes me feel better that she did leave, if that was the case. I had actually made a resolution for the new years to become a much better person, leave all the negativity behind, and try and do better for others--only for this cunt to pull this shit nearly two weeks later.... 

That’s the amazing thing about it all: I decided to try and be a better person for my daughter, and my best friend decides that she’s going to be a better person by emotionally and mentally damaging me because I decide to be a better fucking person.... funny how things turn out.

I keep thinking about %%%%% and ^^^^^^. I don’t see it lasting very long. Matt even says that there’s no way--not without me there anyway. He seems to think I AM the reason they are still together, as a trophy system.

Then again, I wonder about her brother. I didn’t know he had come back to WV so quickly. He’s been strung out for so long....I guess he went back to live with her until he can get back to Parkersburg or some shit. God, I tried to relate to him he could confide in me with his issues and he took offense to it because he doesn’t want to look at himself as sick and needing help.

If I do ever end up pregnant again, I’ll have to do my best to hide my child from her and her family. Which is unfortunate because I love her mother, and her brother &&&&& is cool, as well as her sister in law when she decides to actually be something. She’ll be gone soon as well, so I won’t have to worry about that angle. I don’t really trust her anyway.

She only called for my side, and I haven’t heard a word since, which makes me think the two of them are closer than what she say. Everytime i’ve tried to reach out to her, as she’s told me to do, when I get my issues and panic attacks, she ignores them and all sorts of shit. 

I’m quite tired of unreliable people, especially those who expect me to sacrifice my happiness for their egos. Doesn’t matter though, cause as soon as it happens. After it happens, it’s going to be like cutting off a popular show right in the middle of the best season, with no continuation of the show and no way to remake or reboot it--EVER. When it happens, and all finally comes to be, I know exactly who’s going to be desperate to suddenly hear my voice, and know how i’m doing, and what’s going with after it.

You’ll never know...