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[magg0t-bible]

Good evening gay people in my phone xx

[queenofthefullmoon]

An exhaustive list of Bloodborne bosses I would or would not date

Father Gascoigne

We’re starting this list off with a strong yes. You may be like, but Blue, this is a married man with two daughters! To this I reply: I pretend not to hear it. Also, not to be horrible, but his wife is dead while I’m right there baby, with my blunderbuss and my axe, and I’m ready to risk it all. YES, I know he’s a very stinky man, but you gotta make compromises sometimes. What’s that smell? Ah, the sweet dilf, it sings to me.

Cleric Beast

Let me be clear, I’m not a furry, but the Cleric Beast has stated some facts and made some points! The only reason why I’m not to keen on dating it is that it can’t best me in battle, which is something I’m always looking for in a partner.

Blood Starved Beast

Our first no of the list, I’m not very into skin flaps and poison, which the Blood Starved Beast has plenty of. Moreover, I’d have to get Djura’s approval, and that scares me beyond anything else in Yharnam.

Vicar Amelia

Another Cleric Beast, this time with a bit more flair to it. First of all we just have to admire the way she transforms, very sexy and bloody, which is something you’re gonna want in your relationship if you’re someone who likes fun. (Thiccar) Amelia, cradle me like your golden pendant.

Hemwick witches

Another hard no here. No offense, but I like having eyes, and dating a pair of witches covered in eyes that they’ve been harvesting for years doesn’t seem like a good idea to me!

Shadows of Yharnam

Honestly yeah? You get 3 cool partners in black robes for the price of one. They all wield different weapons, which makes for two excellent things. First of all, you get a very efficient bodyguard team (useful at parties, when a hunter gets drunk on blood, or when you open your front door and a beast is there). Secondly, if you want to have a fun sparring match with your partners, which we all know is a fundamental activity in a couple, you have very varied options!

And a bonus for animal lovers: they can spawn snakes at will for you!! Never a boring day with your 3 hooded partners.

Rom, the vacuous spider

NO. Don’t date Rom. She’s baby! She doesn’t understand what’s going on. Instead, here’s a list of nice activities you can do with Rom:

- Read her stories

- Trims her back growths

- Clean her teeth

- Make her some cute little glasses

- Knit matching socks for her and her children

- Teach her new spells

- Not date her

Darkbeast Paarl

Paarl is a similar situation as Rom. He’s just a little puppy… He doesn’t know what dating is. He knows what going on a walk means, though! So go on, go on a happy little walk with Paarl. He’ll love it, you’ll have fun, everyone will be happy.

Amygdala

Yes. Evidence that it’s a good idea is: lots of arms (good hugs), can grab the shit out of me, CAN and WILL crush me, can sometimes shatter my consciousness with its eldritch powers (very sexy), can send me in other dimensions, will annihilate my enemies with a funky laser beam, and the most amazing feature: can pop it’s eyes out of its skull like a stress ball (fun trick to show your friends at parties). The ideal girlfriend.

The One Reborn

NO!!!!! There’s a lot of freaky stuff I’d date in Bloodborne but the One Reborn is NOT one of them. Firstly, it has 6 nannies. Do I look like the type of person who wants their dates consistently moderated by 6 Pthumerian elders? No!!! I’m a free bitch baby!! And in addition to that, Juan Reborn just has too many limbs. It’s not okay. If we ever got engaged I wouldn’t know where to slip the ring.

Micolash, Host of the Nightmare

Would I..? No, I wouldn’t… Unless? Haha, just kidding. Wait… Actually… Um.

I mean… If you’re into bastardous hysterical little men who howl while running around, sure. BUT beware… You might lose him in a mirror and never find him again, which I find very inconvenient. Imagine going shopping with a guy who compulsively disappears in mirrors. Imagine explaining to the store employees why your dumbass boyfriend broke all their mirrors.

Also, how will we kiss?  With the cage on the way?

Oh god, do I have to wear a cage too?

Celestial Emissaries

I’m not against having a multitude of partners but I’m afraid that might be too much for me. Also, they look like little tiny bebes. I know I’ve said before that I wasn’t ready to be a parent, but I might make an exception for the Celestial Emissaries — let them chill in my home, make them pb&j sandwiches, stuff like that.

Ebrietas, Daughter of the Cosmos

Dear Ebrietas… I have a lot of fondness for her but she looks way too much like mac’n’cheese for comfort. She’s invited for sleepovers and all, no doubt about that, but I see our future together as platonic.

Martyr Logarius

Now Listen… Logarius is an Enemy of women. The proof of his crimes still remains in Cainhurst castle. Do I want to date the genocidal Yharnam Santa? Are you really asking me that? Do you take me for Executioner Alfred? I am not crazy. I will not date Martyr Logarius and his red skulls spamming ass (however miss Annalise queen of the Vilebloods, call me).

Mergo’s Wet Nurse

Um yes of course? Tall dark eldritch wife? I feel like Mergo’s Wet Nurse is the Dancer of Bloodborne, where I’m in a situation where I’m presented with the ideal girlfriend and people expect me to say no because she’s an enormous eldritch entity who could kill me in one hit or whatever. Do you think me a coward? Do you believe that I am not willing to risk it all for invisible girls? Think again.

Gehrman, the First Hunter

Ew no! Gross! He’s gonna make a doll designed after me and I will have to call the police!

Moon Presence

On one hand yes (see Mergo’s Wet Nurse) but on the other hand… I feel like the Moon Presence would be too possessive and easily jealous. I just need some freedom, yknow? The liberty to go out and make friends with other Great Ones. And I know she would NOT like that. She’d ask me if I’m the only Great One I’m talking to and I’d have to nervously hide my phone and say Yes Babe Always Babe, lest she would shackle me to an unending dream. I’m not about that life.

Ludwig the Accursed/the Holy Blade

I genuinely don’t know what to say. The screaming horse man? Am I— the horse boy? Him? No. I… I’m not gonna. I love his sword. Lots of class. Very good theme song, could be cool to have him as a friend (maybe I could ride him around to different locations?) but to date? Kiss his horse mouth? KISS HIS EYE MOUTH? You could say that… Neigh.

Laurence, the First Vicar

NOW WE’RE TALKING BABEY… All the class of the Cleric Beast with FIRE included! Picture this: it’s the winter, it’s snowing, and you’re cold… NOT! You are dating a FLAMING BEAST, you are never cold. Laurence has one proper arm to hold you and one arm that’s a constant flaming inferno, which means he’s great for the summer and the winter, depending on which temperature you want to be at. Your enormous flaming boyfriend will always be at your side.

Living Failures

First of all mood, second of all, this is kind of a Celestial Emissaries situation where I’m not against having many partners but I don’t want a whole congregation of them. There’s just too many Living Failures. I also like dating people with faces? And that aren’t, like, blue. So it’s a no from me, but I’ll befriend them. I’ll go garden with them and all. We can have a girls’ night, it’s all good.                      

Lady Maria of the Astral Clocktower

I’m gonna have to be predictable and say yes here, but fair warning, Lady Maria isn’t for everyone! I know she looks like the perfect wife, but get this; this lady is a hunter. She’s only a lady because she’s related to royals. She has nothing ladylike in her. You think she takes baths? You think she knows what self-care IS????? I laugh at your ignorance, at how you misunderstand her. Maria is a stinky girl; but she is MY stinky girl.

Orphan of Kos

I don’t want to date the Orphan of Kos because he was literally just born and still has his placenta attached to him.  I don’t care for infants, and I don’t care for violent infants. I wouldn’t even want to invite him over to play with the Celestial Emissaries or something. He’s like that asshole child in kindergarten who hurts the other kids for fun. Am I being harsh to a literal baby and an orphan at that? Maybe. But Kos herself couldn’t tell me I’m wrong.

Bonus chalice boss: Yharnam, Pthumerian Queen

Now listen here… Yharnam is a queen, tall and kinda eldritch, absolutely rabid, which we’ve established is my type. Shall I step on the toes of Oedon and declare her mine? Perhaps. She has a very powerful scream, which worries me in case of a domestic fight, but overall I get to marry a kind of eldritch queen, which is alright in my book. I know she has an equally eldritch baby, but it’s formless, so it doesn’t bother me that much.   Dark Souls 1 ll Dark Souls 2 SOTFS ll Dark Souls 3

[rustiieldritch]

Multiples of three?

3: are you a virgin?

strictly speaking, yea

6: are you single this year?

Nope!! uwu

9: Describe your perfect mate

ngl some sort of eldritch hybrid of @mythiass & @spellcastorgemini

12: Do you get jealous easily?

i used to, not anymore

15: Do you have any piercings?

nope, would like them if it wasnt. needles that did it

18: Do you shower every day?

no, every other though; my hair would fucking PERISH if i showered every day

21: Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

yeah

24: Has anyone told you they dont want to ever lose you?

yeah,, it makes me Big anxious

27: have you ever cheated on someone?

unconsensually, yeah, if that makes any sense

30: Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

oh fuck yeah, it Hurts

33: have you ever kissed someone older than you?

nope :)

36: have you ever liked someone you didnt expect to?

yeah, its. a strange feeling? but thats ok

39: have you had sex so far this year?

no, i have not

42: How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

going by actual relationships that werent.. REALLY horrible, 2 in the past

45: How old are you?

old enough. idk

48: if your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

maybe? depends on how she is now

51: is there someone mad because youre dating/talking to the person you are?

yeah! that would be a REAL shitty ex of mine, lmao

54: State 8 facts about your body

a. im chonky, but like, it aint that bad i dont think, i dont have chin fat or anything sdhgfsj

b. my lungs are too big for my body lmao

c. i have lazy eye

d. i dont work out but my legs are strong as FUCK

e. a LOT of my traits come from my nana (grandma on my dads side). my hair and eyes and knees n shit. not a lot from my moms side tho lmao

f. i have small tits compared to my Chonkiness i think (its . :( to me)

g. my ut is in constant danger of just. dying (fucking over my immune system)

h. me ugly, thank you :)

57. what do you look like? (post a picture!)

No. :) (i look like a trash monster thank u)

60: What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

idk? i get scared thinking about that sorta thing so . skdgkfsg.

63: What is your favorite foreplay routine?

i guess making out? idk if that counts

66: What is your sexual orientation?

if it consents, im all for it

69: What was your kinkiest wet dream?

i dont have wet dreams lmao

72: Whats the most superficial characteristic you look for?

strength. lmao

75: Whats your opinion on age differences in relationships

as long as its properly consensual, idc

78: When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

less than an hour ago

81: Who are five people you find attractive?

im not legally allowed to discuss this. h

[salty-dracon]

ace hang plays oathbreaker part 3

don’t ask me why i keep writing these

WALINAD MEW MEW | Oathbreaker Part 3 | Ace Hang Plays Otome

Last time on Ace Hang plays Otome:

*cooking minigame shenanigans with elevator music in the background*

--------

Brid: Hey guys, Ace Hang here! I’m Brid!

Lily: I’m Lily, and welcome back to another episode of Oathbreaker! Last time, we had fun with a cooking minigame because we were trying to fool a dwarf into thinking we actually knew anything about magic. 

Brid: Also we’re a warlock. 

Lily: Yeah, like... fuckin’.... I don’t know. Anyway, we’ve got the power of fire and ice on our side, and things sort of ended on a cliffhanger. 

Brid: We’re also sorry about the length of the last part, we thought that the chapter would go on for a little longer. 

Lily: Luckily, y’all did get to see more cooking game shenanigans. 

Brid: I wonder if there’ll be more. 

Lily: Oh god. 

Brid: As for actual plot... 

Lily: Okay, so we’re not quite sure what’s going on here, but we’re some kind of thief that works in a mage college with an elf, and we’ve been sent to the capital of our kingdom Walinad to help some baby human king run things? I don’t know. Also we’re a warlock. Also the elves want us dead. 

Brid: Alwenn does not want us dead. 

Lily: The two elf boyfriends do. ... One of them does. 

Brid: Anyway, we’re super excited to see where this story takes us, and we hope you are too. Without further ado, let’s get started!

----------

Brid: “MyDude, I am thrilled to see you... but why did you have to bring HER along?” YOU BE NICE TO MY ELF GIRLFRIEND YOU DICKHEAD

Lily: Wow, you turned on him fast. 

Brid: “I’d never let you lay a hand on her!” My girlfriend!

Lily: Oh my god. 

Brid: “I didn’t mean to start anything but i mean if she did want to hold my hand-”

Lily: Fuckin’ hell! Oh my god, who’s this twink?! “Gabriel”. I like his hair, actually. That’s really cool. But he’s wearing an Arabian dress type thing, which is so funny. “See, this is why I love enchanted brothels- great customer service.”

Brid: I’m fucking dead. This chapter is off to a great start. 

-------------

Brid: A truce, huh? 

Lily: Eldritch beings. We’re just... idiots. 

Brid: Chocolate milk is great. Forbidden knowledge!

Lily: It also looks like the king and his cohorts are after us. Mostly the dwarf. 

Brid: Mostly the dwarf. 

Lily: HOLY FUCK priest elves

Brid: *elf fangirling*

Lily: ................. 

Brid: Hey, listen, holy elf people. I always did like holy classes too. 

Lily: ........

-----------------

Brid: She has so many freckles. 

Lily: Oh, right. There’s two elf nations- Dinea and Aldwen. And one of them’s oppressive and authoritarian. 

Brid: More flirting. Now. 

Lily: Fine. “Jealous?”

Brid: “I AM WORRIED ABOUT YOU!”

Lily: Oh, who’s this? “Lana”. “That was our map!”

Brid: ... 

Lily: ...

Brid: CAT PEOPLE?!

Lily: 2e TABAXI???

Brid: Their ears do move... 

Lily: That’s cool, but they’re... weird. Oh, “Peshka”, from Sindan. That’s cool? 

Brid: I guess? 

Lily: They’re... interesting? 

---------------

Lily: Tactics, tactics, tactics, stopping an evil gay elf boyfriend from trampling the whole world and starting World War IV, tactics tactics, I fought a dragon once, I’m a bad ass bitch... 

Brid: What happened to the first three world wars?!

----------------

Brid: No killing the dwarf. 

Lily: “NO KILLING THE DWARF”

Brid: “YOU LITERALLY SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME”

Lily: “WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS”

Brid: “WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS??”

Lily: Okay, now I can’t wait for more passive aggressive commentary between these two idiots. 

Brid: Damn, Argandea is sort of cool with our tactics. Not opposed. Just sort of cool with this. 

Lily: Ha. Cool. 

-----------

Lily: .... No way. ANOTHER cooking minigame?!

Brid: Oh man, let’s GO!

......

Lily: So, have you ever made meat pie before? 

Brid: Let’s just add everything. 

Lily: Meat. 

Brid: MORE MEAT!

Lily: VEGGIES!

Brid: VEGGIES! 

Lily: Wait, is that-

Brid: MINT???

Lily: I don’t think we’re supposed to put everything in. 

Brid: MEAT!

Lily: Okay, now put the crust on... “What is that smell?” “What smell?” “Is that... mint?” 

Brid: We got creative... 

Lily: “Get out of my kitchen!” 

Brid: Reload... 

......

Brid: So how does this minigame work, anyway?

Lily: I think we just add in everything that actually goes in a meat pie. 

Brid: So, butter, meat, carrots.... garlic?

Lily: Butter does not go in a pie. 

Brid: Ginger. 

Lily: Ginger most definitely does not go into a pie. 

Brid: Okay, let’s ask the lady. 

(pause)

(both groan)

........

Lily: So, it sounds weird that carrots go in a meat pie. But is that true? 

Brid: Listen, I have never had meat pie in my life. 

Lily: Let’s try it. “Kag’ash has big carrots. No pun intended-”

Brid: She’s so goddamn horny-

........

Lily: MEAT!

Brid: DONE!

Lily: CARROTS!

Brid: DONE!

Lily: GARLIC!

Brid: DONE! 

Lily: ... WHATEVER ELSE IS REASONABLE!

Brid: DONE!

Lily: CRUST!

Brid: Done. 

(pause)

Lily: YESSSSSS

--------------------

Brid: Lea, will you stop pointing a gun at us?

Lily: Oh god. 

Lily: TIME TO DO THE CREEPY THING AGAIN???

Brid: Oh boy, that little dragon sigil... it be spinning.... 

Lily: Wheeee. 

Brid: Alwenn! Dude, she just slapped us! 

Lily: Thanks, Alwenn. That hurt, but thanks. 

Brid: Now is the dwarf finally going to listen? 

...

Lily: YES

Brid: She still thinks we’re a criminal. 

Lily: FUCK

----------------

Brid: Heading to the land of cat people now, I presume? 

Lily: Guess so. And looks like Virion bought us some time. 

Brid: So, let me get this clear. She made some sacrifice to stop a demon or dragon of some sort, and she lost her ability to perform magic?

Lily: Guess so. 

Brid: Huh. And then she got picked up for odd jobs. 

Lily: Yup. I guess we can still borrow other surges though. 

Brid: Cool.

Lily: Virion really wants to fuck us, though. 

Brid: Alwenn is best girl. 

-----------------

Brid: “You wouldn’t know love if it hit you in the face!” OHHHHH

Lily: OHHHHH- wait, didn’t she actually hit us in the face-

Brid: OHHHHHHHH

(romantic cut-in)

Lily and Brid: OHHHHHH

---------

Brid: So it sort of sucks to know that the hottest male elf in this game is the main villain of this whole thing. 

Lily: I mean... he’s cool. 

Brid: Is he? 

Lily: .... I mean, he has a nice design. 

Brid: Very true. 

Lily: “The divines don’t smile upon traitors”, he says, to the traitor... 

Brid: He’s so sad. He’s so lonely. 

Lily: Awwww... 

-------------

Brid: And with that, looks like that’s the end of Chapter 1! And our part 3. 

Lily: Yeah, that was awesome. How long is this, like an hour and a half?

Brid: We’ll fix that up later. Lots of cooking shenanigans to cut out. So, what are your thoughts?

Lily: ... Okay, so it’s Walinad and its baby king vs the Dinean elves, and then there’s some kind of... I don’t fucking know. 

Brid: I don’t even know what we’re dealing with here. I want to say we’re stopping a war, but are we? 

Lily: I was personally more interested in backstory. 

Brid: Yeah, good point. I have no idea where the story’s going from here, so with that, I guess that’s the end. 

Lily: Guess so. Thanks for watching, make sure to like, comment, and subscribe, it really helps us out a ton and gives us encouragement to continue!