#lotsofexs

[imwendyandthisismyhouse]

my mental illness is like smoke

in the darkness it is still there

lying in wait

tendrils billowing in the wind

desperate to choke me

you cant see how much it consumes me

but it fills up every room i enter and kills everything i love

~ wendyhouse

[imwendyandthisismyhouse]

maybe i wont have a great love

like the ones i read about

no desperate need and unwavering loyalty

or a classic happily ever after

i thought one day it might come

but days and years pass

and i must learn to be alone

the great help to the main characters

~ wendyhouse

[imwendyandthisismyhouse]

the cycle continues

one that started more than half my life ago

and yet like a roll of tape

i cannot find the end

im still not sure i want to

how can i wrap you in a bow

and gift you to someone else?

~ wendyhouse

[imwendyandthisismyhouse]

i realised you look like him today

maybe in the way the light caught your face

or your giddy excitement when you talk about something you love

your touch is too familiar

i've read this book before

it doesnt end well

it never does

but at least through you i can pretend he is beside me

like he never left

so i will pick up the book once again

~ wendyhouse

[imwendyandthisismyhouse]

i wish i could be sane

where i do not feel emotion

as strong as the wind

or push those around me away

where i dont swallow a bottle of pills

when someones back is turned

i am destined for a life of crazy

it will follow me to my grave

where it will morph into passion

~ wendyhouse

[imwendyandthisismyhouse]

im not yet perceived

not until a message or a look

i cannot exist until it is demanded of me

like an actor upon a stage

my lines are prewritten

the world is a performance

pretending to be a person

~ wendyhouse

[imwendyandthisismyhouse]

i may stay

surrounded by my own company forever more

if i turn off my phone

and dont answer the door

the world will go on turning

i will be free from the neverending performance that is existence

~ wendyhouse

[imwendyandthisismyhouse]

it was never about you

you were inconsequential to me

it wasnt about the girls in your dms

or the problems you blamed on everyone else

not even the drinking i secretly enjoyed you binge on

thinking i could repair your cracks with gold

so i could fill the void inside of me with the dust

it was always about me

this much i realised only now i am free from your grasp

i was trying the fix you so you could fix me

for someone to look at me with the same eye i looked at everyone else with

enjoying that i wasn't the only girl you had in your bed that week

secretly affirming some insecurity id hide

running back to a person i'd lost to time

and now i'll add you to the ghosts that haunt me

~ wendyhouse

[imwendyandthisismyhouse]

i've felt peace before sure

in the moments before sleep

and the seconds after that first cut

but never in the sunlight

in the clear open day

but with your arms around me

and a smile brushing against my lips

i have never known a moment like it

peace became an option

~ wendyhouse

[imwendyandthisismyhouse]

watching the sky turn blue again

i think of you

the whispers of memories that make my brain their home

a montage of touches

and smiles that reach your eyes

for someone who became a creature of the night

i revel in the daylight now

for that is where you live

~ wendyhouse

[imwendyandthisismyhouse]

and then the bubble popped

and the colours had dulled again

oh how marvelous it is to see

hues and shades and the delicacies of the world

no more vivid that blocks out the sun

no more sunglasses to protect my eyes

now that it is upon the ground

my head is free to see and smell and think again

without the taste of soap in my mouth

~ wendyhouse

[imwendyandthisismyhouse]

did you feel it?

his hands roaming my body

his kisses on my forehead

did you feel his gaze when he looked in my eyes?

or when he called me his baby

or when he made me smile

is this not the body you claimed mere weeks ago?

the very one you declared to be made only for you?

his touch lingers over me now

fighting off the remnants of you that will not leave

i hope you felt it

~ wendyhouse

[imwendyandthisismyhouse]

my bed is truly empty now

your body no longer brushes against mine in the dark

your snores does not fall on my ears

my bed is free from domination and tugs on the duvet

i removed the trash that lived beside me

such a bittersweet feeling

perhaps that is why sleep does not call me tonight

~ wendyhouse

[imwendyandthisismyhouse]

like a wave

you came and you went

leaving me on the wet sand

with the taste of you in the air

and the overlapping warmth on my skin

disappearing on the moons whim

i stand here sinking in the sand

as i await your return

yet all i see

is you backing away

further and further

until you exist only on the horizon

and in my memories

~ wendyhouse