#lots of negative space but I am too lazy to fill it | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

steouwu · 1 year ago

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tw: mentions of grief, loss, and some other negative feelings.

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🌷 : today's song – interlude // aly remulla , emn’98ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

07 / 03 / 23

today, i woke up early. (around 6 am) the first thing i usually do fix my side of bed (i share a room bed with my mom) then after that, i go and prepare calamansi water :DD me and mom drink calamansi water every morning before breakfast. it has a lot of health benefits according to her in which i forgot, but since it has the potential to make you lose weight and i noticed that it improved my digestive system, i continued on drinking it.

ever since lola past away (just this year, may 29.) we've tried getting into healthier habits. my family were never all that sweet or that caring. especially my uncles and aunties to each other but i noticed that ever since uncle's wife came and helped arrange the funeral, her caring nature has rubbed on us. i love it : ) hehe. we now focus on taking care of grandpa. he even started eating an apple everyday for his health. we've learned a lot i guess. honestly though, i found myself getting back to my original unhealthy habits recently (but i swear, I am doing my best to counter it) and have gotten a bit more comfortable and happier even since she passed away. though i'm still blaming myself for her death due to some circumstances i am too lazy to elaborate. because of that, i avoid on wearing my headphones even though i comforts me and clears my mind. it's not a punishment for myself (maybe a bit) but mostly, it's just ’cause mom told me that if i noticed grandma was gone inside my room (i used to have a room of my own before. when the funeral was over, grandpa transferred into my room) earlier and maybe heard her fainting or struggling (in the bathroom. that's where she passed away.) if i wasn't wearing headphones, maybe she could've been saved. she had always told me to stop wearing it because i drift away from my reality. i am always in my head. she inflicted in me such a heavy feeling and i wish she considered that i was grieving too before saying that. it still hunts me and i feel as guilty as ever when i wear my headphones now. i've worn it about 3 times since she died (i used to wear it whenever i use my laptop) but i keep relapsing and going back to feeling guilty and blaming myself. one of my friends said i shouldn't be blaming me for things that are out of my control but i don't know, maybe it was in my control. maybe the reason as to why she visits my aunts and uncles in their dreams but do not visit me is because she could have been saved if it wasn't for me. damn.

anyways, lmao. sorry for the drama, after i drank calamansi water, i went outside for a walk and to buy breakfast. i had sinangag and egg with ma ling! :DD it was really good and i only had it because i just got my allowance this week. it's quite expensive, to eat it everyday. after breakfast, i watched a series in netflix for some time before preparing to go to school. my school ended already but since i am a part of the publication, i had to go for a meeting and a surprise training. it was fun, though my head was floating in space as i write it. there are so many things holding me back from actually achieving my real potential in writing that time. sometimes though, the shackles break and words just flow into me. I don't know when my head started to feel blank yet too filled at the same time. i think i have some time of ailment or maybe i just need to let myself go more.

after the training, a friend of mine came to school too to pay for her tuition in order to see her grades. the deliberation of grades for the second semester is today. i hugged her before going home. i chose to walk home to save money (because unfortunately, we aren't rich and we live in a third world country with a bunch of corrupt politicans who steal the Filipinos’ taxes aside from making them pay from a debt they didn't fucking cause. fuck you, Marcoses.) and on the way home, i bought siomai! yum.

i ate siomai and the dish my uncle cooked as lunch. then, i proceeded to sit in my desk (which is at my grandpa's room) and occupy myself. i tried to draw but i really do not have motivation and ended up fucking my anatomy practice. i settled to scrolling on tiktok and feeding myself dopamine until my timer ran out. i feel like a zombie most of the time because of social media, honestly. but tumblr's different. i rarely ever scroll on tumblr. i just use it as an open diary.

while in my desk, i thought a cat ate my chickens. i have pet chickens named jojo and benben. turns out, no one ate anything. a stray cat stumbled upon our house and followed my auntie (who first saw it) and gave it food. the stray cat isn't yet fully grown up and seems to be somebody else's pet because it's squeaky clean. it's also not agressive, and playful aside from that. my family members are speculating that it's grandma that came back for us because it just won't leave our house no matter what. i named the cat Saucy as a tribute to my other chicken, Suzie who passed away because a cat ate them :((

it's 6:41 pm right now so i cannot consider my day done yet. i wanted to read today but after frying my brain due to scrolling too much on social media, i lost my motivation and settled to feeling so low, empty, and aimless. i feel aimless most of the time. my potential is wasted, i do not know how to socialize, i feel so uncomfortable with myself. sigh. but i hope it'll get better. right now though, i am so tired.

i am so proud of my grades, though. or maybe not. i get it all the time. but i still want to gain people's admiration and my mom's praises. my average is 97 this semester and my overall average this grade according to my computation is 96. is that great enough for people to be blown away? i don't know. getting high grades is expected of me all the time. it's the only thing i'm literally good at and school is the only thing that makes me feel alive.

i don't know why this entry of mine turned very melodramatic but i definitely feel better after writing it all out like this. thanks internet for apps like these. it's the only thing you did great.ㅤ

right now, i'm hungry. so i guess i'll eat.ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

ended, 6:55 pm

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student-in-nightraven · 2 years ago

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Hi hi! I saw that ur doing a matchup and if you could (or if ur still doing it) could you perhaps matchup for twisted wonderland?

MBTI: INFP-T

Appearance: black haired w/ a layered haircut, black eyes & is about 4"11

Personality: from the outside ppl tend to think that im pretty laidback most of the time w/o any care around her surroundings but in reality i critise every thing that i do & worry abt how ppl would view (would it be in a positive way or negative way) although i critise myself, im unmotivated in doing things letting my laziness take over which causes me to get even more anxious. i have trouble speaking up afraid that ppl would fun of me for causing a mistake which makes me pretty quiet amongst my class & causes my insecurities to increase ecen more. i try to blend in w/ ppl to like me which makes me different if i am put w/ my friends unlike how i usually am in public. i feel free w/ my friend group but my trust issues, attachment issues & abandonment issues acts up some times. and although i like to bully my friends in an affectionate way, i respect their privacy, cares deeply for them through small actions, & goes acting like a sister or mother towards them. in first meet, im awkward & polite trying not offend the other person & not disrupt their peace, which makes me horrible at starting a convo properly.

Likes: blueberry cheesecake, staying up late, sleeping, small gestures of affection, hugs, rythm games, learning new things, reading, writing & broccoli

Dislikes: spicy foods, carrots, jumpscares, crowded places, loud noises, hospital needles & abandoned

Im so sorry if this was too long for you! Feel free to decline this request if ur too busy 😅 have a nice day/night/evening/afternoon remember to take care of urself from time to time, remember to drink lots of water & eat properly! Thank you!

I match you with..

...Rook!

Rook is the best match for you, your abandonment issues fade away when he enters your life;

When rook sets his eyes on the one he loves he'll cherish them forever;

Motivates you and makes you feel like a Disney princess, which also help with your insecurities, around him there'll be no space for self-doubt, treats you like royalty 24/7;

Bakes you sweets and gifts them to you in the most romantic and cheesy way possible, on your doorstep a basket filled with goods you like and a note attached in which is written everything he loves about you alphabetically;

If anyone is about to bully or corner you a arrow shoots past them almost hitting their cheek, it's a warning sign from rook that if they get close again, next time he won't miss.

You 2 are the romantic couple.

Thank you for the request dear annon, may you have a wonderful week<3

#x reader #twisted wonderland #twst #twisted wonderland x reader #rook hunt #rook x you #twisted wonderland rook #rook x reader #rook hunt x mc #rook hunt x reader #matchups

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markberries · 4 years ago

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d e s i r e┊draco malfoy

anon requested: hey!! unsure if u do requests for stories BUT i saw a tiktok and rlly want it to be a full story (or one shot). so: draco is late to class, and is there for volunteered for an experiment, he is told to stand infront of a mirror (he doenst know it but it’s the erised mirror) and he asks Y/N to move out of the way but ur not there, he only sees u bc he desires u, everyone laughs then there’s a party and u okay 7 min in heaven, and draco and Y/N get picked then SMUT

info: you and draco liked to bicker; turns out draco wanted a bit more from you. it took him a look into the mirror of erised to realize it.

warnings: smut, dirty talk, cursing, fingering, oral (giving)

genre: SMUT, hufflepuff!reader, fem reader

word count: 2400+

a/n: hihi, i hope this is something close to what you wanted. sorry for the wait!! the request confused me at first but i think i understood it. this is also unedited bc i’m lazy

“draco malfoy, late again?” the professor sighed, not looking at malfoy who was quietly taking his seat. instead, the professor just shook his head in disappointment.

“yeah yeah, won’t happen again,” draco snickered, playfully shoving goyle and crabbe. all three of them were quietly giggling in amusement, as if the entire school was a joke to them.

the professor raised an eyebrow at draco, crossing his arms. unimpressed, he stared draco down. “you have been saying that for the past three classes you were late to as well, mr. malfoy.”

you held back your laughter as draco got scolded, only because you knew that draco was an arse so watching him get in trouble up close was definitely a treat for you.

draco was quick to turn to you, who was sitting at the table to his right. “got something to say, mudblood?” he snapped at you, and you glared at him.

“got some daddy issues to fix, malfoy?” you shot back, venom lacing your voice.

“alright you two,” the professor said, walking to the middle of the room, eyes switching from malfoy to you. “that’s quite enough for today. since mr. malfoy had the audacity to come in late once again, he will be our beloved volunteer for our experiment today.”

draco raises his hand, “i will not be agreeing to that, professor. it’s just not fair.”

“and it’s not fair that you’re wasting my time, so i advise you to come up here now, because you don’t have a choice,” the professor gestured for malfoy to come to him, you hear a grumble from draco, followed by his chair being pushed back.

draco walked up to a large object covered by a black drape in the middle of the room, standing right in front of it. draco made sure to give you a nasty look before getting to the front.

the professor moved out of the way to remove the drape, but not before saying, “okay, mr. malfoy. i want you to describe to me what you see when i remove this cloth.”

“easy enough,” draco smirks, crossing his arms over his chest, arrogance oozing off of him. when the professor withdraws the drape, draco looks closesly. it’s a mirror with a golden lining, decorated with intricate designs and beautiful patterns. it’s much larger than draco, and light rays bounce off it throughout the room.

“if you don’t move out of the way y/l/n,” draco sneers, making you squint your eyes in confusion, “i swear i’ll-”

“that’s enough mr. malfoy, you can sit down now.”

draco turned around, only to see you sitting down in your chair, who was just as confused as him. while he walked back to his seat, the professor eyed him, then started pacing slowly around the room while talking.

“now,” he began, “this here, is the mirror of erised.” you hear small giggles coming from the class room, followed by malfoy’s face turning a slight tint of pink.

“shove off!” malfoy yells, muttering to himself in annoyance. you of course, shared the same amount of embarrassment. you knew exactly what the mirror of erised was, and so did most people in this room. it made you visualize what you truly desired, so the fact that draco malfoy had seen you in the reflection, was quite a surprise.

“every student will have a chance to take a look, so don’t worry too much. please form a single file line, and we will begin.”

—

“you’re kidding,” cedric snickers, covering his mouth with his hand. cedric was an awful good friend of yours, being the first person to offer you a seat when you had gotten sorted into hufflepuff. quite ironic, really. you never imagined yourself to be put into such a happy little house.

“honestly? i wish i was. draco can be such a little prick,” you remarked, sipping at your butterbeer. students gathered in the three broom sticks, the familiar scent of sweat emanating from the hufflepuff and slytherin quidditch team. the slytherin house had just received a bitter defeat, causing them to throw glares at the opposing team.

“so what are you gonna do about it then? talk to him?” cedric questioned you, and you shrugged shoulders. you were at a loss for what to do about malfoy. you were unsure if he was even worth talking to, after all the constant negative comments that he just loved to yell at you.

“do i wanna talk to him?” you asked, crossing your legs while you sat in your chair. cedric raised a brow, “am i supposed to answer that question?”

“no,” you sighed, crossing your arms over your chest. being friends with cedric had it’s pros and it’s cons, but he gave a good amount of advice and he was always reliable. you hear a call for cedric’s name coming from the crowd of boys and girls, his eyes shoot to the group.

“what is it?” he says back, standing up from his chair.

“come on then, we’re playing 7 minutes in heaven!”

such a childish game, you thought to yourself. it surprised you that people were still interested in playing. cedric looked to you, then back at the group, “i won’t go if you won’t go.”

“what a flirt,” you say with a hint of a sarcastic tone. you playfully kick his leg, making him yelp, “i’m just trying to be nice!”

“well i’m surely not going,” you responded, taking a sip from your drink again. cedric’s grey eyes bored into your own, he smelt of chocolate mixed with his clean shampoo.

“don’t be such a wussy, mudblood,” you hear a familiar voice snarl. you snap your head to see draco, standing in the middle of the crowd, laughing with his group of friends. you felt a surge of anger, and cedric took note of it. he quickly grabbed your hand, pulling you up from your chair.

“y/n and i will be participating!” cedric announces , dragging you to the group of people gathered around a table.

“cedric! what in god’s name are you doing?” you exclaim, desperately trying to escape from his strong grip. “ow ow ow, could you at least be a little gentler?”

“this is your chance, if you get paired up with someone, you’ll see malfoy’s reaction,” he whispers closely into your ear. when the two of you stop in front of the group, you swear you can practically hear how badly the other girls wanted cedric to be their partner.

“what if i don’t want to see his reaction?” you complained back, and cedric patted your head. “then too bad.”

“alright everyone, the rules are simple; a person is selected to spin the bottle. whoever the bottle lands on, those two will go into the backrooms together. would anyone like to go first?”

“y/n does,” cedric yells, slightly pushing you forward. you scowl at him, in return he sends you a shit-eating grin. you wanted nothing more than to wipe that stupid smile off his face, but you stayed civil for the sake of the others gathered around you.

“alright y/n, go on,” blaise says, placing the bottle on the table. you gave cedric the “i’m going to kill you when this is over” look as you sighed, placing your hand on the bottle. you span it, watching as the boys began to shift awkwardly.

you nearly gag when the bottle lands on the one person you did not want to share a small, closed room with. people coo, laughing and making immature comments. draco malfoy shoves his friend, threatening him.

“i’m not entering a closet with that mudblood,” he scoffs, pointing at you disrespectfully. you stop yourself from punching malfoy, instead you say, “look who’s scared now.”

“what did you just say?” draco hissed, taking a step closer to you. “why would i be scared.”

you dust off his robe in a mocking way, smiling at him. “you tell me, malfoy.”

whispers filled the room, as if everyone was waiting for draco to explode. he took a deep breath, grabbing your arm aggressively. people eyed the both of you as he brought you to the backrooms, knowing hell would break loose with you two alone.

seven minutes, alone with draco. what could go wrong?

when you two stepped into the small space, you went to the farthest point of the room. it was littered with cleaning supplies and smelt a little bit like bleach. draco stared at you, and you looked back. “what do you want?”

“you think i wanted to do this?” draco spat at you, leaning back on the wall.

“and how do you think i feel?” you said back, throwing a scrunched up paper towel at him. “as if i wanted to be in a room with you. you’re annoying, stuck up, and a spoiled brat.”

“wow, who would think that a bitch would get sorted into hufflepuff,” he says sarcastically.

“got a lot to say for someone who saw me in the mirror of erised,” you retort, fanning your face. it was getting quite warm in this tight space.

“it was probably a mistake, who would desire you anyway,” he retaliates getting closer to you. you take a step closer to him as well, your faces nearly touching.

“you’d be surprised,” you argue. you two were so close that you could make out the details of his face. you could see something flash in his eyes, it didn’t look like anger, but you chose to believe that it was.

“do you ever stop talking? just shut up already. i’ve had enough of hearing your voice.”

you scoff, looking down at your feet, then looking back up into draco’s eyes. in all honesty, you didn’t know what to expect after saying this. you felt your hands shaking a little bit, ignoring the adrenaline pumping through you

“make me.”

in that moment, you swear you heard your own heart beating. did you want this? did draco understand what you were hinting at? your questions were soon answered when draco pushes you up against the wall, taking your hands and pinning them above your head.

“i’ll make you, alright,” he smirks, placing kisses along your jawline. he presses his knee between your legs. he kisses your neck, sucking on the skin. you let out a breathy whine, trying to bring your arms down to wrap around draco’s neck, but he keeps your hands in place.

“you want this, don’t you?” he whispers, leaving more marks on your neck.

“mhm, yes draco,” you say back, feeling yourself growing wetter.

“good girl.”

he smashes his own lips against yours, his actions filled with need and passion. he slightly bites on your bottom lip, looking into your eyes. he breaks the kiss, letting go off your hands. he undoes his belt, pulling his pants down slightly, but not all the way.

“we haven’t got much time,” he says, dragging his thumb along your cheek. he touches your bottom lip, and you open your mouth in response, sucking on his thumb.

“fuck,” he groans, watching you with lust filled eyes. “you’re so hot.” he removes his thumb from your mouth, and you lower yourself to his boxers, tugging down the fabric. his member springs free, and he lets out a hiss from the sudden contact of air.

you smirk, licking a stripe. draco moans, grabbing onto the shelf above him. you begin to take him in, swirling your tongue around him. his size was about average, but on the thicker side. he grunts as you hollow your cheeks.

“oh fuck, just like that,” he groans. the tip of his dick touches the back of your throat, making you gag. he moans, but louder this time as he grabs your hair. your eyes start forming tears, but you hold them back.

you hollow out your cheeks, slowly moving back and forth.

“god, y/n, you’re so pretty even when you’re sucking my dick,” he says, lost in the moment as you continue to move faster, using your hands on whatever didn’t fit in your mouth. you feel your lips getting swollen as you continue to move faster.

“look at you,” he groans, his face full of pleasure as he looks down at you. “such a fucking good girl.”

you feel his member twitch in your mouth, and you knew he was close to finishing. you took this as a chance to move faster, bobbing your head as fast as you could.

he groans, panting your name as he used your hair to guide how to move.

“i’m gonna come,” he says breathily, “fuck!”

he comes in your mouth, but you don’t mind. it’s not the worst that could happen, after all. you stand up, wiping your mouth as draco is leaning against the wall. he doesn’t rest for long though, as he grabs your waist, pulling you close to him.

“your turn,” he whispers, pushing your skirt up and slipping a hand into your exposed panties. he feels around your wetness, collecting it and bringing it out.

“mm, did i do this?” he asks, and you whimper a “yes”.

he slips his hand back in, finding your bundle of nerves and rubbing them slowly. you gasp, gripping at his jacket and biting on his shoulder. he chuckles, dragging a finger down to insert into you. he pushes in slowly, and you bite down harder, not wanting to make too much noise.

“no no, i don’t want you to be quiet, i want to see your face,” draco says, using his free hand to grab your chin and make you look at him. “that’s right, let me see how you feel.”

he pushes in and out of your heat at a steady pace, the room smelt of sex and his cologne. you were a moaning mess as draco continued his motions, bringing in another finger.

“does that feel good?” draco asks, and you nod in response. “i want your words, baby.”

“y-yes draco, please don’t stop,” you say quietly, screwing your eyes shut.

“oh baby, i wasn’t planning on it,” he replies, entering a third finger and thrusting faster. at this point, you’re pretty much a moaning mess. the feeling of his long slender fingers was so much to handle, you felt yourself building up to your climax.

“that’s right baby, fuck, you’re clenching around my fingers,” he smirks, knowing that you were going to come. “i want you to say my name. tell people who’s making you feel this good.”

“it’s you, draco, oh my god!” you yelp, the fabric of his robe was bunching up in your hands. suddenly, your orgasm washes over you, your stomach moving in twists and turns. you felt so relieved, draco removed his hand, his fingers covered in your juices. all that could be heard was the sound of you and draco’s heavy breathing.

a knock comes from outside the room, “guys? it’s been over seven minutes.”

#draco #draco malfoy #draco smut #draco malfoy smut #harry potter #cedric diggory #smut #draco imagine #draco malfoy imagine

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myhoneststudyblr · 4 years ago

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every single student in the world has likely procrastinated at some point - i know i definitely have! sometimes i think it can be quite helpful because means that you don't spend every minute of every day studying... but on the other hand, it can become very hard to beat. there are so many advice posts in the community on this topic but i thought that i would share my own tips!

disclaimer: everyone studies differently and these are my personal tips. they may not work for you but they can be a good starting point

What is Procrastination?

i found this little summary of procrastinating on the internet and thought it completely covered everything that i wanted to say on this point:

Procrastination is the habit of delaying an important task, usually by focusing on less urgent, more enjoyable, and easier activities instead. It is different from laziness, which is the unwillingness to act.

Procrastination can restrict your potential and undermine your career. It can also disrupt teamwork, reduce morale, and even lead to depression and job loss. So, it's crucial to take proactive steps to prevent it.

The first step to overcoming procrastination is to recognize that you're doing it. Then, identify the reasons behind your behavior and use appropriate strategies to manage and overcome it.

- How to Stop Procrastinating by Mindtools

so what is learnt from this is that:

procrastination is not being lazy

it is avoiding tasks by doing other easier tasks

it can have negative effects

you need to proactively take steps to avoid it

first, recognise the procrastinating then use strategies to break the cycle

Conventional Tips

these are the basic tips that are some of the most well-known strategies for ending procrastination and can be some of the most important steps!

1. get organised. tidy up your desk to study space because there is nothing worse than having to work in a place that is chaotic and mess. collect the information you need for the task, for example, notes you've made or a textbook.

2. to-do lists are your friend. a lot of people (including me) really struggle with timetables for studying because it can seem really structured and there is no flexibility or real allowance for things that may crop up during the day (your food takes longer to cook, you have to unexpectedly do a task around the house, you get a really bad headache and need to take a break). in my opinion, to-do lists help solve this problem! you can clearly see the tasks that you want to get done for the day but you don't have stressful time constraints. personally, i always use todoist to keep track of everything. to-do lists also make it easier to break tasks down

3. break the task down. one of the biggest cause of procrastination is having a huge task or project ahead of you because it seems really daunting and where on earth are you even going to start? so break it down *completely*. in your to-do list, don't just write ‘german homework’, write down even task that you need to do within it and be specific: for example ‘pg. 11 ex 4a, 4b and 4c’, ‘textbook listening task on pg. 47′ and ‘250-word essay on social media in Germany’. breaking it down makes the tasks seem more attainable and when you’ve done one and you can cross it off your list, it gives you a boost to keep going

4. eliminate distractions. this is a big one. even if you do all of the above, if you are constantly being distracted by things, you aren't going to get much done. try to find a place that is quiet enough that you can focus and you feel comfortable studying in. as well as this you need to think about what to do with your phone as the likelihood is that this will be the most distracting thing. you can simply turn it off, put on do not disturb, leave it in another room or use and app like forest (that last one is what i use and i don't know where i would be without it!)

5. use incentives. finishing a task is an achievement so treat it like one! before you study, decide on something that you will give yourself as a reward for doing it. this may be watching that new episode of your favourite programme or a tasty snack!

6. set timers. don't just launch yourself into a task, because that again can make it seem daunting and feel unending. rather, set a timer for a specific time because you’ll know that you just need to focus for that specific length of time and then you can go take a break and do something nice. for timing your study sessions, you could use the Pomodoro technique

7. allow for breaks (but try to avoid long ones). you are not a machine and as much as it would be great to be able to, you cant study for hours on end without giving your mind a break from focusing. so schedule in break time for yourself, particularly for times that you know your motivation dips, and do something nice. but be very careful that you don't accidentally slip back into procrastinating habits and keep breaks short. unless you are very disciplined it is unlikely that an hour-long break will stay just an hour.

8. know how you study but don’t be afraid to mix it up. everyone studies differently and so there are going to be some study methods that work better for some than others. so try to make sure that you are studying smart and that you aren't wasting your own time cause that can be incredibly unmotivating. HOWEVER, if there is anything that I’ve learnt from online school its that doing the same task all the time, every day is mind-numbingly boring and you just want to do anything else. so try to switch up what you are doing. if you usually just type notes from the textbook, maybe try doing it in a mindmap one week, or on flashcards, maybe do some practise questions to keep your mind engaged.

9. play music. now this one really depends on the person and how you study. some people need absolute silence and that is fine, but others need something to fill the silence or maybe cover up background noise (for example if you live in a busy household). try to pick music however that is not going to distract you - the key tips for this is to pick music without lyrics. this can be classical music, video game music, or general ‘chill’ music (there are so many playlists out there for chill studying music). i personally listen to Francesco Parrino religiously while studying because he does piano covers of pop songs, so i know the songs and enjoy them but there are no lyrics that can distract me

10. stay hydrated, well-rested and not hungry. this is part of eliminating distractions because if you are thirsty, you are going to be thinking about how you want a drink; if you are tired, you are going to be thinking about how tired you are; if you are hungry, you are going to be thinking about what you want for lunch or whatever. make sure you are hydrated, well-rested and not hungry so you can focus solely on your task or work.

Unconventional Tips

these are some slightly more unusual tips that you might not have seen before but that I've nevertheless found very useful!

1. video yourself or do a timelapse. this is something that I’ve only recently done because i saw a tip on this from someone during my quarantine challenge and thought that it would be cool to do. and it really works! i did it twice once when i was typing notes and a second time when i was handwriting notes and it really made me focus on what is as doing because the video put some pressure on me to look like i was properly studying - i could take a 5-minute break in the middle of my work to mess around with my pen, I just had to keep going so it really forces you to do the work. also watching the video when i was done made me really proud cause i had visual proof of how much i completed!

2. accept that some days you are going to get very little done. this may seem a little bit odd to put on a post that is meant to avoid getting nothing done but it’s actually a very important thing to remember. sometimes you need to take days off because otherwise you are going to burnout and some days you are just not going to be in the right mindset for studying because maybe you are exhausted after a big exam, or you have a headache or you feel unwell. you just need to accept it, draw a line under it, take time for yourself, and resolve yourself to work tomorrow once you feel a bit better. there is no shame in taking time to make sure you stay healthy. if you can, try to get your quickest, easiest task done so you have some sense of accomplishment.

3. ‘churn it out and f**k off’. this was my mum’s motto when she was studying and working in academia. and she recently told it to me when i was getting stressed about all the big tasks during online school. i am a perfectionist and i always want to hand in my very best work, put 100% into everything, but honestly that is impossible. some days you just need to get stuff done and if that isn't your very best then it doesn't matter too much because at least you got it done. and once you get it done you can just forget about it.

4. ask a friend or parent to check up on you. when you are studying by yourself it can be hard to motivate yourself because you know that no ones actually going to check whether you made those votes or did the reading, so ask a friend or someone you live with to check whether you've done the work or get them to read essays. you then get an external reason to study or do your tasks because you need to show them something.

5. rephrase how you think of tasks. when you think that ‘you need to do this task’ or ‘you have to get this done’, a lot of the time this causes unneeded stress and anxiety that is not going to help you at all. also it makes it seem like you are being forced to do something and human beings generally don't act great when they are forced to do something. so try to change your language when thinking about task into one that is more forgiving such as ‘i choose to do this project so that i can go meet my friends tomorrow’ and ‘i choose to read this book now because it will help me in the lecture next week’. this is probably the most difficult strategy on this list and it will take a lot of practice (i am certainly still practising it) but in the long term, it can help you change the way in which you view studying for the better.

✨✨✨

i hope this was helpful and that these tips will be useful, and perhaps you've discovered some new ones! if anyone has anything to add please feel free to reply or reblog with the advice <3

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ultraintrovertedgryffindor · 3 years ago

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hello my favorite writer it is me again i was wondering if i could have another will imagine (gn as usual) and could it be about a reader who feels insecure about being wills partner because they’re still working on being famous and feel like they’re mooching off of wills fame and end up pushing him away slightly and it’s angsty, but ends in fluff with will finally telling them he loves them and reassuring kisses <3

Favorite writer?? You flatter me, darlin', but thank you!

Also, so sorry this took so long! I've been really unmotivated/lazy lately and I wanted to write this as perfect as I possibly could. Also also, ya know how the Powerpuff Girls were made? Sugar, spice, and everything nice but Chemical X was added accidently? Yeah, this is that, but replace Chemical X with a lot of angst. My bad.😬

WARNING: Depressing themes throughout

~~~~~~~~~~

It wasn't often you felt insecure, but you figured it was just one of those days.

You hadn't been in many blockbuster films or tv shows, you were still working hard on your career. You loved the indie projects you worked on, you loved any job where you could act. It was your passion, after all.

You couldn't help feel a little bit insecure when your partner, Will, was where you aspired to be your whole life. He was brilliant, working with amazing people like Tom Hardy and Leonardo DiCaprio. So early in his career too. You looked up to Will so much, praying that you'd be just as talented as him one day. But you knew it wouldn't be easy, acting isn't exactly the easier job in the world, you knew it would take a lucky break.

You always joked that maybe you should work as a waiter in some restaurant, knowing that Edward Norton got his first movie role while working in such a place, only to move on to work beside the amazing Richard Gear.

It was just one day you felt bad about your career, but then it started to snowball into anxiety and depression. It got to the point where it was all you could think about, especially when you were out with Will. And you could tell that he knew something was up, the thousand yard stare that you often had was something that couldn't really go unnoticed.

But for the most part, you acted like everything was fine.

You hated that you let your insecurity pile on and on like this, it normally was something you could handle. You don't know what came over you, but you found yourself scrolling for hours looking at comments on any of your posts. Most people were supportive of you and Will's relationship, and you were thankful for that. But of course, there are always a few bad apples.

The wonderful and lovely, supportive comments were many, outweighing the hate by miles. But just one negative comment could throw you off, ruining your day.

You wished you could just focus on the positive, but unfortunately, that's not how brains are designed. It always has to point out a flaw, find that one odd man out, find the error in the system. Usually, most of those errors can be fixed. You spent your entire life trying to get people to like you, being somewhat of a pushover and a people pleaser, disregarding your own self in favor of praise. So seeing people online hating you for no other reason besides being with Will, seeing that they might never change their minds, it was devastating.

You knew that the hate would usually come from obsessed fans who must've been jealous of you, and you could understand that and it was fine. You remembered the younger years of being jealous of a person who dated your crush, it was something that most people grow out of thankfully. You could get over those comments, saying you weren't good looking enough or not fit enough, any comments about your appearance. The ones that really got to you was the comments about your "horrible" personality.

It was odd, people saying awful things about you when they didn't even know you at all. Most of the contradictory was were amusing. There was a point in time after your relationship with Will was made public, where you'd feel to nervous about going to red carpet events with him. The comments would say, "Y/n's not there with Will? What an unsupportive partner they must be!" or anything similar. But when you started to go with him sometimes, the comments would shift dramatically.

"Y/n's a gold digger."

"They're just using Will for his fame."

"He deserves better than that snake."

It hurt, more than you'd admit. You told Will it didn't bother you that much, just wrote it off that it's normal. Then, you never talked about it again.

You felt awful, every single day. Thoughts of self doubt clouding your brain constantly, thinking, "Am I really deserving of such a kind person like Will?" No matter how you looked at it, the answer was always no.

You started to feel like you shouldn't even be with Will anymore. There was most likely someone else out there, an actor with more talent and more self-sufficient than you were.

You and Will had been together for a couple years, you loved him so much, but when he asked you to move in with him, you said you weren't ready. The biggest lie you ever told, and you instantly regretted it when you saw the disappointed look on his face. But being the gentleman that he is, he said it was completely okay and that there was no pressure.

You absolutely didn't deserve him.

Every time Will asked you to go out with him, you always came up with an excuse to stay home. You felt too anxious about being out in public, the thought of a fan seeing you with Will brought you to the verge of a panic attack. You became distant, trying to distract yourself by throwing yourself into your work. You rarely saw Will anymore, and you knew if you kept up with how you were acting on your insecurity, you'd lose him. But you couldn't bring yourself to try and talk to him about it, you felt too embarrassed.

From Will's point of view, he thought you were becoming distant because of him. He wracked his mind trying to think what was it that he did to make you spend less time with him? At first, he thought, maybe you just needed some space. There were times where he needed to be alone, just like everyone does. But it felt like it was going on for too long. Every time he wanted to take you out somewhere nice, you'd politely decline and you'd opted for a night in.

There came a point where enough was enough, Will was determined to find out what was going on with you.

You stared at your cellphone, the screen lighting up with a picture of Will along with your set ringtone. You sighed, you really didn't feel like answering. You knew you should, but you couldn't bring yourself to. A feeling of dread washed over you, you didn't want him to think you hated him, yet you still couldn't. You rang your fingers through your hair, anxiously scratching your scalp harshly.

Your screen darkened, following with a notification, voicemail and text. "Y/n, what's going on? I've been trying...", you couldn't listen anymore.

"I'm sorry, Will..." You whispered to yourself, wrapping yourself up tightly in a blanket.

You almost screamed when you heard a rapid knock on your door, quickly tensing up when you heard Will call out from outside. "Y/n?"

You wanted to fucking scream.

"I know you're in there, just, please, talk to me."

The desperation in his voice forced you to get up from your couch, tossing away your cozy blanket with a huff. You shakily reached out and opened the door, Will's concerned face filling your view. "...hi."

Will chuckled bitterly. "Hi? That's it? You haven't talked to me in days. What's going on, love?"

"Nothing!" You explained, plastering on a fake smile with a chuckle.

Will smiled sadly. "You're lying." He said simply, pushing his way past you into your home.

"Will, please, I'm not up to talking right now."

"You know, I want to respect your wishes, I really do. But I feel that I've been patient. I've been trying to support you in any way that I can, but I can't help if I don't know what's going on." He sat down on your couch, pleading for you to sit next to him with his eyes. "We used to be open and honest with each other about everything. Tell me what's going on so I can help you."

You huffed, running your hands over your face. "It's not that simple..."

Will casted his gaze to your wooden floor, squeezing his hands together and taking a deep shaky breath. "Is it...is it because it's something I did?"

"What?"

"You're shutting me out. It's because of me, isn't it? I did something-"

"No." You quickly exclaimed, rushing over to his side when you heard his voice waver, taking ahold of one of his hands. "No, it's not you, I promise."

"Then...why? Why are you pushing me away?" Will sighed, biting his lip to keep himself from crying. "Do you not love me anymore?"

"I love you, Will, more than I can express." You chuckled bitterly. "It's hard to talk about."

Will brought a hand up to your face, gently brushing a freshly fallen tear off your face. "You can tell me anything, Y/n, anything."

You smiled weakly, bringing his hand you were holding up to your lips and kissed his knuckles softly. "Okay..." You took a deep breath.

"Take your time, love."

"Being with you, brings me so much happiness that it feels like I'm dreaming. You're so...amazing, and honestly the best and most kind person I've ever met. And I? I feel like I'm nobody."

"Y/n..."

"Compared to others, I'm no one. Just another person trying to live out their dreams that are so far fetched that it doesn't even seem possible to even come close to achieving them. You're so self assured that acting is what you were born to do and you're so talented. I envy you, and I feel so guilty feeling that way. Sometimes I feel like I wasn't meant to be an actor. I feel like...I'm trying to run towards my goal, but every time I make progress, the goal moves farther and farther away until I can't even see it anymore."

"Y/n," Will started softly, "I know how you feel. I've felt that way about my career too. I always wondered if there was going to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, you can work as hard as you humanly can, but it also takes luck. You just have to be at the right place at the right time sometimes. That's why they call it a lucky break, ya know." He smiled, making you giggle tearfully.

"I know, but that's not all." You frowned. "I know you said, it's just better to ignore what the internet has to say, but...I was looking some of our comments a few months ago. And...I just went down a fuckin' rabbit hole. I know I always say that hate comments don't bother me, but...they do. They really do, and I let them get to me. I'm sorry."

"No, darling, I'm sorry. I didn't see what was really going on when I should've."

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Will. I thought I was stronger than this."

Will quickly brought you close to his chest, wrapping around your torso with one arm, the other gently cupping your jaw. "Hey, you are the strongest person I know, okay? Don't think you're weak just because you're feeling something that every human on planet earth feels. Whatever those comments said, there's no one I'd rather be with than you." He leaned forward and kissed you gently, pressing his forehead against yours.

"I felt so embarrassed, Will. I wished I had talked to you sooner."

"It doesn't matter now. You opened up and I'm proud of you for that. I love you so much. And I promise to try my very hardest to never let you feel that way again."

~~~~~~~~~~

hope you enjoyed, @fcvcritecrime ! 🖤

#will poulter #will poulter imagine #will poulter x reader

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plusultra-anime · 4 years ago

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I’m actually an SPN blog: a few thoughts on 15x19

Hi I don’t make long posts like this often. But I wanted to gather a few thoughts from this latest episode, some that have been put forward by others and some of my own, just to make a bit more sense of where we’re at for myself and to gather/collate things into one place. I am writing this at 6am in a pre-coffee haze so forgive me if any details are wrong or make less sense.

There’s some positivity and some negativity (seems that way after pretty much every Bucklemming episode lol) so I’m trying to take a more positive angle – for my sanity. I may be clowning and I don’t want to get any hopes up to be disappointed but this is just where I’m at with it atm.

Bucklemming So this episode was written by Bucklemming, and as we expected it didn’t make a whole lot of sense in terms of narrative (to me anyway), apart from the overarching narrative of Being Free From God/The Writers. In true Bucklemming fashion we even had an appearance from Mark P (yuck). However, as many others have pointed out, the ~final~ final is written by Dabb, in whom I think we can have confidence that he knows what he’s doing. The big positive for me (and again, many others) is that Bucklemming got this episode and not 15x20!

Empty Space Again, this has already been pointed out by others, but there’s obvious empty space left at the end of this episode. We see Castiel’s name carved into the table, but no real effort made to bring him back into the home, with the two Winchesters “riding off into the sunset” as they started – pretty much alone. There’s also the empty space left by Eileen, and there’s clearly (imo) been an effort made this season to place her firmly next to Sam as endgame. And again, no real effort made by the Winchesters to find her.

We’ve long since moved on from the Two Brothers on the Road story and arrived at Found Family, and to me the empty space left by Cas, Eileen, Jack leaving to become God (?? Did I get that right? Because it sounds wrong lol) and leaving the homely, safe nest they’ve created for themselves, is glaring and screaming. This could just be bad writing (but we were promised no GoT ending, right?!) or it could be set up to make us want that empty space to be filled in the final episode.

I’ve not been digging too hard into the Internet this morning but I’ve already seen (who I assume to be) GA viewers left confused, saying “but what about Cas/Eileen/the contentment/the closure?” which I’ll get to in a moment. Of course, there are those who take the episode for what it is and are left happy with it, but I think that empty space is there for us to notice. I think.

Closure Speaking about the ending, I remember seeing J2 saying that it ended with a “content” feeling, and “closure”. To me, that’s not what we’ve seen at the end of 15x19. We’ve been shown time and again what a happy ending for Sam and Dean would look like. Dean running a bar, keeping his home nice, going out on the odd hunt but nothing world-shattering, peace. And for Sam we’ve been led towards him becoming a Leader for hunters, a scholar, and a partner to Eileen. We haven’t had any of this yet! And that’s not even considering the Castiel of it all!

(Closure, if we do consider the Castiel of it all, would involve a confession from Dean to match Cas’s, and for them to be endgame romantic to mirror Sam and Eileen. That’s all I want to say on that because I realise that with that kind of TV representation for queer couples what we already got could be all they managed to fight for from the network. Definitely tempering my hopes in this case. But I do have hopes! Because, as many wonderful meta writers have pointed out time and again, it makes narrative sense!)

At the end of a story, closure is important. Sometimes the absence of it can be satisfying in itself, projecting the narrative beyond the story we’ve been told for the audience to continue in our own minds. But I don’t think that’s quite what we’re getting here, because a good Lack of Closure ending still needs to be satisfying. Which, imo, this was not. We still have one episode left, and I’m wondering if that unsatisfied Lack of Closure feeling we all have right now is deliberate. (I think it probably is?)

Fake Out I saw someone (sorry I can’t remember who) describe this “season finale” episode as a fake out, made for the part of the fandom who ~want~ that Two Brothers on the Road ending. They can stop watching now. “Ok Destiel and perceptive GA fans, now the Bibros aren’t listening we can tell you the real ending”?

And to me it felt like a fake out, it felt fake, it felt like a projection on the wall. Like at the end of the rom-com when the two straight people kiss and that’s the end, but after that snapshot their lives carry on? We’re going to get that after-the-snapshot moment, which I think is rare in TV, as the series finale. Now that the loose plot ends are tied off, the projector can be powered down. We can see what happens to the characters when the writers stop writing, I guess.

I don’t know if I explained that well but basically, I agree with the feeling that This is Not the True Ending. EDIT: I just thought of this after I posted but it’s like it’s given closure to the Two Brothers on the Road narrative itself to make space for the Found Family ending. idk??? what do you think?

(I was going to make this another point itself but as I addressed this already mostly – it feels like a Performative Ending, like what you’re Supposed To Do for a series finale, which I feel can partly be attributed to Bucklemming being shit writers, and partly (I suspect … because I’m assuming Dabb still had a bit of a hand in things as showrunner) to generate the kind of “wtf was that ending?” buzz we’re seeing. To make people want to tune in to the ~final~ final, to see how the Empty Space will be dealt with, and to see what kind of Closure we’ll get after all.)

Flashforward My final point, directed towards the pessimistic bit of my brain in the hope that it’ll chill out, is that there’s still an hour of story left to go. What are they going to give us, @ me? An hour of flashforward with no Cas, no Eileen, and no Peace/Content/Settling Down? Imo, as a long-time fan of the concept of narrative, that would be lazy and dull. They might do it (can’t put anything past them at this point lol it’s been a long road), but I’m playing my Doubt card (that’s how Doubt works, right?) just to tide me over for the next week. What else is left to do? God is dead (shout-out to Rob Benedict for killing it, no pun intended). Lucifer is dead. There’s no big bad left. What monster of the week could they be chasing? Could they really just spend an hour long episode reminiscing? Doubt. Maybe we can have a little flashforward as a treat.

So that’s it! Again I feel a bit cautious to get my hopes up for 15x20, particularly as a Destiel fan, but I kind of am getting my hopes up because I feel like it makes sense for me to be hopeful. At the end of the day, we still have time before we’ll know for sure, and once that happens, good ending or bad, I’ve had a fantastic 11 years in this fandom and that won’t change!

#spn spoilers #supernatural spoilers #spn 15x19 #15x19 #destiel #saileen #spec i guess?#am i making sense did any of this make sense?

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anystalker707 · 4 years ago

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Lights, camera and fuck off

Pairing: Gerard Way x Fem Reader Genre: Fluff/Light angst Requested by @thunderpurple Summary: (Y/n) is an Umbrella Academy actress and her relationship with Gerard isn’t really well seen due to their age gap, but they don’t let all that negativity reach them.

"And what can we expect for The Umbrella Academy's second season?" The interviewer asks with an agonizing smile - there's something in it, giving off the slightest vibe I would describe as devilish, like if wanting to see every artist she interviews breaking under her questions and comments.

My attention doesn't remain on her for too long; I let my eyes fall to my hands that rest over my lap, presuming someone else will answer the question since I was the one who answered a few of the past ones. As supposed, Tom answers it, "well, it's a bit difficult commenting it without giving much spoilers, but it's going to be awesome," his grin is practically audible, kinda letting a mystery in the air with the way he says the last word.

The woman nods, continuing to speak, "also, I presume (y/n)'s going to have more screen time this season, right? Considering the past announcements." Her comment makes me immediately raise my gaze towards her and, if the altered tone while saying the last two wonder wasn't enough, she raises her eyebrows towards me in a sort of sign, glancing at Gerard too.

Gerard looks at her in certain disbelief, taking in a breath to answer. The sight makes her widen her eyes, already eager for the answer covered in annoyance, but I prefer to answer it myself - to not give her what she wants. I put on my best sweet smile, "well, not really. My character continues with the same highlight, she-"

"Um, that's not what I meant," she breathes a fake awkward chuckle, adjusting her glasses. "You probably gained more highlight after getting in a relationship with Gerard, which's, um, quite different from the conventional due to the age gap, what has also been commented a lot lately. Did something change-"

"Sorry," I cut her off, observing her curiously, "but I thought we were here to talk about the series and not anyone's personal life. Please let me know if there's another question like this because, if so, I'm leaving already. That's not what I'm here for. Also, I have a question for you myself. Did all the interviewers secretly agree on a thing of always asking the same questions?" I look at her, with a fake cluelessness over my features, not showing any sign of being intimidated by her.

The interviewer's eyes flicker over me, looking for the joking hint she never finds. Meanwhile, a heavy atmosphere follows the silence the room's set in. By the corner of my eyes, I can see Ellen and Tom share a quick look while Gabriel seems to prefer to not interfere in any way, demonstrating a sudden interest for the floor's patterns. Gerard just sits beside me casually, having an expression that demonstrates he agrees with me.

"Fuck, sometimes it's awful. Why do people act like if it is something from another world?" I raise an eyebrow at Gerard, "sometimes I feel like these people get pleasure in annoying artists and driving them to the edge." It's a bit difficult walking side by side on the relatively narrow sidewalk, but I don't feel like letting go of his hand, cogitating sending glares on whoever comes from the opposite direction so they decide to walk past by the street instead of waiting for one of us to open space. Thankfully it doesn't last long, just until we take a turn to one of more agitated streets.

"Maybe you're right," he presses his lips together, still seeming kind of bothered by the events from earlier. Exhaling, he continues with a blank expression before seeming to brush away all the thoughts, smiling at me instead. "Wanna stop for a coffee?"

Looking past him, I'm able to see a cafe by the other side of the street - grinning, I nod. We're soon sitting in a booth in a quiet corner of the cafe with our orders set in front of us, but momentarily forgotten there as we talk.

"You coming over?" Gerard asks, our hands linked over the table as he plays with my fingers - he softly runs the tip of his fingers over my palm, laughing at my reaction of suddenly closing my hand.

I don't answer at first, playfully glaring at him while rubbing my own fingers over my palm like if rubbing the weird feeling away. He breathes a chuckle, taking my hand in his again, rubbing his thumb over my palm, then turns my hand over to intertwine our fingers together. Wrinkling my nose lightly, I shake my head, briefly tightening my grip on his hand. I let go of it to take my cup of coffee and sip on the warm drink.

"I guess so," I finally answer, mentally reviewing my plans for the rest of the day and tomorrow too, "can I sleep over? Also, there's another interview tomorrow, isn't it?" A light groan leaves my lips at the thought of the tight schedules, a consequence of the next season of the series being released soon - thankfully, we can still spend a great time together, above all.

"Of course." He smiles adorably, sipping on his coffee before continuing, "and, yeah, but then we'll have the rest of the week to ourselves, fortunately. Well," Gerard pauses, tilting his head lightly, "kinda. There's band practice with the guys more towards the end of the week. You could come along, there won't be just the guys and I." As he presses his lips together, his eyes fall to the table - a bit of expectation and insecurity under his 'firm' tone.

"Um, won't I bother?" I furrow my eyebrows, averting my eyes from him and fidgeting with the sleeves of my jacket in another wave of insecurity and anxiety. I'm always doing my best to dodge all the negative comments thrown towards me, but it's not always that I'm keeping the guard up.

Gerard exhales in certain frustration, most likely guessing what's going on in my head. "You never bother, sugar. And you know they like you, so stop worrying." His reassuring voice has an automatic effect on me, making me feel almost completely calmer after hearing his words.

What he said echoes through my mind once again and - though it has happened many other times before - a stupid grin cracks my lips at the same time I blush at being called sugar. It makes me soft and, in a sudden decision, I stand up from my place to sit beside him. Gerard curiously raises an eyebrow at me, but places an arm around me without questioning; I exhale in some kind of relief and comfort as leaning against his side.

Noticing his gaze continues on me, I breathe a chuckle, "I wanna be next to you," I mutter shyly, observing my cup of coffee as blushing more. He lets out an appreciative hum, nuzzling the side of my faze lightly and leaving a peck there - it makes me chuckle louder than expected, shrinking at the feeling of his beard against my skin. Gerard lets out an evil giggle, earning him a playfully offended look from me, one which fades away in the moment he places a kiss on my lips.

Soon enough, we're at his place; I smile as being engulfed by the place's comfortable atmosphere, it's like if it's filled with a warm energy that's the same as his. Before he can notice, I'm already coming back from his room, having changed from my clothes - which weren't so comfortable - and now wearing one of his shirts and a loose pair of shorts I left here last time I was over.

Gerard's serving himself a glass of water when I walk in the kitchen. He probably just notices my presence once I wrap my arms around him from behind, sighing as I rest my head against his back. His free hand rests over mine, holding them. "Want to watch something?" He asks and right after, I can hear the sound of the glass being placed against the counter, but don't want to let go just yet.

"No," I groan quietly, suddenly noticing how tired I am; I just want to lay down and cuddle him. "Not in the mood. We could listen to something, tho."

"Alright. Just let me go change, hm?" He squeezes my hands in a sign for me to let go - I do so, reluctantly, but my mood quickly lightens up with his lips being pressed against mine for a few seconds.

While Gerard disappears in the halls, I throw myself on the couch, sitting in a half-laid-down position as finally allowing myself to relax. I don't think the physical tiredness is actually as big as the mental one every interviewer seems to want to put me under lately. I'm left to wonder how in the fucking hell do details about my personal life affect my work or why is it so interesting to them.

My thoughts are cut off at the same moment soft music starts to fill the room and then there's Gerard approaching me. Looking at him with a lazy smile, I make grabby hands towards him before letting one of my legs hang off the couch, motioning the place in front of me.

He quickly gets what I mean and sits down on the space between my legs, leaning back against me until his head is resting on my chest. I can't hold back a stupid smile - soft moments like this always make me feel have a funny feeling, all happy -, stopping it briefly to press a kiss to his temple. A pleased hum comes from Gerard and I can feel him physically relaxing as I start to run my fingers through his hair.

Moments like this make me think a lot, sometimes. I end up getting both afraid and happy at the same time. Afraid because I love moments like this - and him - so much and I'm afraid of it ending at some point, maybe because of all the people against our relationship, though I won't let their negativity reach us. But happy, on the other had, because I- I don't know, I just don't want these moments to ever end; they make me feel so well. Anyways, I guess it's not the time to fill my head with doubts, just to stick with the last feeling and enjoy every second. After all, no one else can understand all of this the way we do.

#my chemical romance #mcr #gerard way #mcr imagine #gerard way imagine #gerard way x reader #fluff #angst #umbrella academy #imagine #x reader #writing #fan fic #fanficion #fanfic #emo #emo trinity #my post

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blackfemmecharacterdependency · 4 years ago

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13. Exposing the Void Pt. 1

A lot of this chapter is straight up Simon’s thoughts, so it gets jumbled and possibly confusing. Let me know if there’s parts where things are unclear (most likely in those times, we’re inside of Simon’s thoughts). Word Count: 5969. Trigger Warnings: Self harm, child death, child abuse, mental instability, mental abuse, dehumanization, betrayal, delusions, intrusive thoughts...

This chapter was actually the hardest for me to write in this story, thus far. And please keep in mind that in this space, there is no ableism allowed. So, refrain from using terms about psychosis or mental illness as insults towards the characters. The purpose is not to blame Simon’s actions on poor mental health or to excuse his behavior due to his trauma. The purpose is to understand a story in a world where mental illness is not necessarily the cause of why some people do evil things, but is sometimes a factor (not usually, as mentally ill people are generally more likely to hurt themselves than others), but yes, there are occasions where our psychosis can led to dangerous outbursts. Please don’t use the phrase “Go psycho” when referring to any variation of Simon Laurent, even this one. Thank you.

Simon was getting a tattoo. He’d already decided that much. He didn’t know of what, but he was convinced that he would think of something. It seemed healthier than self harm, at least… and a professional would mark him in this scenario.

He had a full course on his schedule, additional hours of extracurricular activities and work, plus interviews and maintaining his website. Plenty to do to keep his mind off of it - the void. His nostrils flared just thinking about it. Sometimes, he found himself checking social media for updates from a backup account. He had been blocked under his personal and professional ones. But, it wasn’t back. The last post was the same post that had been shared to each of them by its team.

“Hello, Apex Members. On behalf of The Internet’s Honey, Miss Grace Monroe, we would like to express the sincerest apologies for the negativity that has been spread and for the things that Miss Monroe stands accused of. She is seeking help at a secure location, and it is our hope that she will return to you soon, in all of her glory, fully restored, healthy and well.”

The comments were thousands of “Fuck Grace Monroe. She’s cancelled.” etc. He had been amused before, but the more comments that were added, the more numb he became to them. He was numb to many things… still somehow… it left its mark on him. He pulled up his sleeve and looked at his tallies… it left several. “Fuck Grace Monroe,” he whispered, shook his head and said in a louder, more confident tone, “Fuck the void.” A little mantra before his early AM classes.

Whenever he got home, though… He went through a range of emotions for a while. Everybody lies to me. Everybody leaves me… Even when nothing had anything to do with this thought process, if he wasn’t focused deeply on something else, there were the thoughts. Sometimes, even when he WAS working on something else. The thing about living alone and being at home was that he had a lot of time to get trapped in his harmful thoughts, and no Grace there to ease things. Not anymore.

It started with his mother. She was only going to be gone “for a little while.”

Simon wasn't confident in his abilities to watch himself AND a younger person. He was a cub scout and even a careful child, but he knew that Hope could be a handful, sometimes even for their parents. “I don’t think I can watch Hope, Mom.”

“Oh, of course you can, Simon!” She cheered. “It’s only for a little, short, while, and you’re my capable little man.”

Hope laughed and said, “He’s not a man. He’s Simon.”

“If Mom says I’m a man, then I am!”

Their mom clarified, “He’s a big boy who gets to be man of the house when Mommy and Daddy aren’t here. Mommy’s Little Man. You’ve got this, Si. Like I said, only a little while.” She tousled his hair and filled him with confidence that he had not had a few minutes prior… then she was gone for what felt like forever.

18 year old Simon knew that she had only been gone for 2 hours, but as a 10 year old watching a 4 year old who didn’t want to be watched by a “fake man,” it seemed like a lengthy stretch of time. With Hope doing things that she knew she shouldn’t, taunting him by telling him that he’s a fake man and that’s why he couldn’t stop her, and whenever she tried to go into the attic, that was the last straw. He had gotten really mad at her. She had been teasing him, calling him a fake man, a little baby, a small, small Simon… He didn’t mean to hurt her, but he was offended by her name calling. He was only going to drag her into her room and make her have a time out.

18 year old him knew that he was angry when he grabbed her by the back of her shirt, as hard as he could, upset with her, but also needing to get her off of the ladder and into her room. 10 year old him yanked her off of the ladder and flung her to the floor beneath them with rage. She let out a screaming laugh whenever she went flying down, but when she hit the floor… she became silent.

Simon shook his head. That wasn’t my fault. I was a child! The void had been right about that. “Who leaves a 10 year old home alone with a 4 year old?” He heard her voice ask, when they were kids. More than that - Who tells a boy that young that he is trusted with the life of a smaller child? That he’s “a man” because you need a little favor? Two. Hours!

He still didn’t know how long he had sat there trying to wake Hope up before their mother came back or where she was at that time, but wherever she was, he hoped she thought about it every single day that she tried to blame him. He hoped it ate away at her and corrupted her from the inside out until her health faded and her heart stopped. He didn’t always feel that way.

When he was 10, he blamed himself. He loved his mother. He wanted her back. He wanted to be her little man again, even though he failed her. He was still so young and confused, and nobody was helping him to understand it all. He couldn’t answer why he didn’t call 911. He was scared. He was crying. He... just didn’t think about it at the time. He hadn’t been prepared for an emergency.It was supposed to just be a little while! I was supposed to be the man of the house. Nothing bad was supposed to happen on my watch...

It continued with his father. So furious with his wife’s decision that he couldn’t stand to share the same breathing space with her most of the time. Unfortunately, that also meant not sharing it with Simon. He told Simon that he didn’t blame him. He lied. Some part of him had to, because otherwise, why would he have left him with the woman who had been so irresponsible that they already lost one child? Because… he died in his father’s eyes that night, too. The man was just too much of a coward to admit it. So, he just… left.

And Grace… He almost started crying, but shook his head and shook her it out of his mind. “Void,” he said and clenched his fists. Still… He missed her it. She It was the only thing that used to be able to get his mind off of his family, his pain, his guilt, his rage…

For so long, she it was the only thing. Now, he was left to just force himself to live through this. He was better off. It was going to stop his full potential. It had already stunted him so much. He spent years building a fortress for it and throwing himself in front of everything that came its way. Never again.

After they began officially dating, she was acting weird and he let it go. This was new for both of them and she was still trying to figure out her sexuality. He thought he was extremely understanding about her characteristics. As a matter of fact, up until the moment that he realized that she was a liar, he found no flaws in her at all. He loved all of her, perfect in every way and in the ways that she wasn’t, he never took notice. He just re-imaged those things as perfect, because they were things that were of Grace. Being a snobby, rich bitch - fine. Being lazy and irresponsible, sure. Being wishy-washy and confusing… he didn’t love that, but he accepted it and always assumed that maybe he was mistaken, or maybe she was the confused one in those moments. He never thought that she was deceiving him. Now, it was all that he could think about.

How many lies she must have told him over the years, how much of his childhood and adolescence was built upon those lies… He had to try to void everything that he had ever known her to be from his life, and from his mind.

“Do you not love me?”

“I do!”

Had he not been so blinded by his love, he would have known that she didn’t mean it. He would have heard it in her tone. He would have seen it in her eyes. “The void was just that good,” he told himself. “It tricked everyone. You watched it work for so long, you thought that you were exempt. It cares about nothing but itself.”

She seemed like she was withdrawing from him. He didn’t want to see it at the time, but he knew what that looked like. He couldn’t stop his mother from doing it. He couldn’t stop his father from doing it. He couldn’t even keep the pet cat around! How does one even run off an animal?

The point was… he saw Grace leaving. He saw her packing up. He saw her setting out. He did everything he could possibly think of to prevent it, even before she realized that she was leaving. But, when somebody wants to get away from you, they’ll do whatever you let them do to get away. She should have thanked him. He not only let her go, but he removed her completely. That’s what she wanted, anyway. She made that decision herself. “The void would have taken everything from you. Everything you worked for. Everything you’ve built. Everything you set in place to manage without the liars, the leavers, the lost ones…”

She first began slipping away from him before they became official. She started having problems with things that she didn’t have problems with previously… Honestly, she started the moment that she chose to leave him behind to tour for the summer when they were 15. The previous 5 years, she had plenty of times she could have went on the road. She either blew off her auditions or she didn’t push herself as hard. She had said that she could show off her skills on the Internet and have just as big of a following, if not a bigger one than if she built a resume of dance troupes and traveling ballet. She even forfeited the chance to be in a Broadway production, because she was worried that she’d never get to see him again. Then, when they were 15… It became more important to her than him.

He tried not to take it personally, because she had sacrificed plenty of opportunities for him before. But, it was a bad time for him, and a busy time and… he needed her. He always needed her back then. He had never been prepared to not have her. Sure, he could have went with her, like she wanted, but if HE put off his things, he didn’t have rich parents to fall back on. He didn’t have parents to fall back on, period. She… was in more of a position to give up her goals… but she had decided not to. That was fair. He told himself many times every day that was fair and she deserved to choose herself sometime. She came back changed… or maybe he changed without her there. That much doesn’t matter, right now. What matters is that he TRIED to fix them. She leaned more into these changes. These changes that could tear them apart. Changes that would leave him lonely again, for the first time in years.

Grace was working on her music career junior year. After the tour, she had connections that she didn’t want to go cold. She would throw herself into those and into creation while Simon was working on a future that he still hoped was for both of them. He was working his ass off for them, but in hindsight, she was working hers off for herself. After she was Simon’s girlfriend, at school, things felt different for her. Everybody treated her exactly the same way that they always had, but everything was just different.

Simon was either more social than she knew him to be, or had gotten that way overnight. Then again… He was in StuCo and held a position… so he had the social skills to at least win people over. She supposed that she hadn’t noticed because he was the one who she always had to talk out of a fight. He was more than that, of course, but… she guessed that she hadn’t realized how many friends he must’ve had, because he was doing a lot and having to leave her behind, most of the time.

Most times, he gave her a quick rundown of what type of stuff he had to do for the day, kissed her on the cheek, promised to see her later and rushed off. She chalked it up to the busy schedule that he had been speaking about for this year, at least a year in advance, and didn’t think much of it. At least, whenever they had space, she didn’t have to wonder what to do next. She didn’t have to decide if she should be sitting in his lap like his friend’s girlfriend, or in between his legs like that girl across the way, or straddling him like Shana sometimes did whoever she was dating, or… sit there, with her book, pretending not to see any of it and smiling at Simon whenever they made eye contact.

Simon was always studying her, surveying, making inventory of her expressions and potential emotions. She could feel him investigating and she didn’t know what to do with that. He didn’t know what to do with his findings… Why was she so uncomfortable when he looked at her? Why did she shy away from his gaze? What was wrong with her that she didn’t want his attention? She always wanted attention… it was basically her identity! Not only did she start to seemingly have problems with his attention, but also the rest of the world’s attention.

Being trapped in her room most of the time meant more work on her music. Anytime she posted something new, someone always showed up to remind others of how she "accosted an innocent woman on the train and threatened to ruin her life if she sought justice" and that she "is actually a terrible person." Sure, her fans defended her, but her focus was stuck on the negative feedback. Simon told her, “Don’t worry about those nulls. You’re Apex royalty. They’re scrubs.” He wasn’t remotely concerned about it.

Simon had asked himself if he had defended her to them, would things have been different between them… but the previous times he had defended her, she got mad at him! It took him days to get her back to normal, and even then, she seemed tepid. She was letting a bunch of strangers on the Internet doubt herself.

“She let a bunch of nulls weigh in on her confidence, then she got made at ME for agreeing with her parents that it was weak of her. It was! The Apex doesn’t care about the opinions of nulls!” He realized that he was speaking of the void like it was a person again. Personifying it. Humanizing it. That was sometimes difficult not to do. He would tap into his disappointment, hurt, and anger and he knew it was because of this rot that had spread in his life for years.

But, every now and then a glimmer of her smile, her smell, her softness would hit him in the heart and he would forget about it temporarily. For a few moments, she would be the love of his life again… “It doesn’t care about you. It never did. The void is a parasite. It would have poisoned everything, if you hadn’t cut the head off and incapacitated it.”

He glanced over at a mannequin head designed to look like it. It had given him the idea, inadvertently whenever it jokingly accused him of being a life size figurine of himself. Immediately, he thought - I’ve gotta make her one of those! It was a passion project, and of course, he didn’t have a lot of time to work on it, but the head was complete by the time it showed itself as the hollow it was.

Grace felt like she hadn’t smiled for real in a while. Nobody really noticed. The Apex didn’t know her that well. Simon didn’t have time for her. Her parents probably never cared. She went into town with her flock of girls, these days. She felt like Simon was sending them to be around her and she didn’t know if that was sweet or creepy. But, she ditched them at the mall to go to see him. He was at work that night, at the learning center. He had a job helping to tutor struggling kids - one that his credits as a student tutor at the Academy, his grades, his position as one of the students enrolled in the early college program, and a recommendation from Mr. Monroe got him hired at, despite the fact that most of the staff here were actual educators.

They didn’t even know about the fact that Simon had started a business of doing people's homework, projects, sometimes their tests from the time he was 11 until he was 15. He was definitely qualified for tutoring, but it was her father’s recommendation that really gave him the edge over actual teachers. He was satisfied enough there. He still did a project or two for the rich kids when he could squeeze something in, for extra cash. He was saving up to move out of his dad’s house. Now that his mother was at her mother’s, his dad was considering leaving the military and coming home. Simon didn’t want to be around for that, but there never seemed to be enough money for anything. That was his “adult” experience… Working all of the time, going to school, barely hanging on to his sanity, and yet being so broke that had his father not still been paying the bills, he knew he might be homeless and starving… so it was presumable that's how he might live once Mr. Laurent got back.

He couldn't ask the Monroes for more help. They had practically been taking care of him for the past two years. Mr. Monroe, at least, had been helpful in ways that Simon couldn’t describe. Sure, he believed he would have figured things out for himself , but thanks to the Monroes, he hadn't had to. He intended to pay them back eventually, but for now, he worked hard and loved Grace with everything else he had.

"Hey." He heard her say, walking in with a bag and a cup holder. His smile was wide and his eyes lit up. That made her reflexively smile back. How many of those smiles were fake, he’d have to wonder for as long as he couldn’t shake her out of his mind. “Ditched the girls to bring you dinner. Didn’t know if you’d have a chance to get to some on your own.”

He checked the time on his phone, “Actually, you’re right on time. I was about to go into the computer room and work on homework before I head out.”

“Yeah! Great timing is a thing that I definitely usually don’t have.”

They went into the breakroom to eat and Simon was on his phone, furrowing his eyebrows and blocking people in Grace’s comments. She glanced over and saw, then sank in her seat, not wanting to think about her latest post. “This sounds really good, Grace,” he told her. And he meant it. The vocal coach that she had began to see so that she could confidently transition into singing was paying off. It wasn’t that she sounded bad before, but her voice was pretty bland and she didn’t seem to be able to find her range on her own.

“I wish the audience thought that,” she said, with a sigh. The Internet was making her depressed and isolated. Every thing that she shared came with thousands of critics. As someone used to only either being complimented or ignored, criticism hurt a little more than she would have expected. Perhaps because she was too popular and therefore attracted more feedback than a person probably should have to be faced with at 16.

Regardless of that, Simon shrugged and said, “Anybody who doesn’t like it doesn’t have to listen to it. They’re there, so they obviously wanted to hear the song. Besides, I see way more support than hate.”

“Maybe so, but there’s a LOT of hate, and it’s very aggressive and hurtful. Like… I don’t understand why me trying out a new song and someone not liking it can’t just be scrolled by. Why did this girl have to tell me: Ugh. Everybody tries to be a singer. You’re a lip gloss model, Honey. Keep doing that. Beautiful gowns.”

“Because, she’s a bitch,” Simon said and took a bite of his sandwich. Grace let out an irritated sigh that caused him to look up from his phone. “What?”

“You just… don’t get it.”

“What don’t I get? The song sounds good. You have excellent equipment. You wrote pretty clever lyrics, did your own music, sang and was proud enough of your work to share it with the world. Now that a few birds have come squawking, you no longer see the greatness in what you shared? I know you wouldn't have posted it if you didn’t think it was perfect. So, I get it more than you do. You’re distracted by someone with a crooked wig on in her profile picture?”

Grace looked at the profile picture and saw that the woman’s wig definitely had been sadly placed onto her head. She laughed about it and laughed at herself a little too… but this was always Simon’s reaction to her venting about the people that made her feel bad. He’d basically make her feel a little bit worse by not acknowledging that her feelings were valid and by pointing out how insignificant her critics were. The simple fact that he had a point, that they were nulls, and she was letting them upset her only made her feel worse, which she couldn’t tell him because he didn’t seem to take her feeling bad that seriously anyway.

She knew it was because she had always prided herself on being strong and not caring what people thought about her… but she was handled a lot differently outside of her echo chamber. The Internet was global and her following was high, but some of the people who followed her seemed to do it just to see what to complain about, just to make a dent in her day. They succeeded, too. But, the only person she could admit it to just told her to suck it up.

“I’m thinking about going to a performing arts college,” she said. Simon dropped his phone and stared at her. She smiled awkwardly and said, “I mean… You’re preparing pretty hardcore for college and I’ve dived into this music thing. Maybe, I ought to be more serious about it and actually get the official credentials..”

“Where are you thinking of going?”

“I’m thinking of trying to go to Julliard.” He relaxed a little bit at that. Juilliard was in New York. That would be farther from him than he would like, but if he was at MIT, that would be about an hour away and if he was at Princeton… well… That would be 3 hours, or more… but… He had enough time to put these things into his planning and decision making. “Or… I might go uh, overseas.” Now, his frown was embedded in all of his features. “If I can’t get into the best one in the world, I’m going to shoot for the next best… that’s in Austria…” She bit her lip, waiting for his demeanor to change, hoping that he just had to think about it for a moment. His demeanor did change, but he seemed further away from what she wanted of him at the moment. “What brought this on?” He asked.

“Just… want to get more serious about my craft. Sure, I can spend hours and hours a day working on choreography and songs, training with some of the best professionals in the entire world, but people are still coming onto my dance video posts and saying things like, “I didn’t know that Grace Monroe could dance! I love her more now!” Didn’t know that I could dance? That’s like… the ONE THING that I can do with complete confidence! I’m trying to get my music career started when my first talent isn’t even recognized…”

“It IS recognized! It’s recognized ALL of the time. You’re just so focused on the dregs that don’t recognize, that you’re willing to go 4000 miles away from me, for years, to impress strangers on the Internet who probably STILL won’t fuck with you, because most of the people inciting you are people who just don’t like you, Grace!” He let out a chuckle of disbelief, but she hated it.

“Don’t laugh,” she said, very seriously.

“I’m not laughing,” he said, shook his head, then slumped back in his seat, resting his face in his palm as he tried to collect himself.

"How could you have possibly taken everything that I just told you about how I'm feeling and what I intend to try to do about that and just… make it about you?"

He uncovered his face to look at hers. She looked like she was going to cry. He hated when she cried. It was too far away from her normal… at least it used to be. She was crying more and more lately. Sometimes from the littlest things.

"If you can't see how much a decision like that will affect both of us, then I'm not sure if I currently am in the mood to explain it to you."

"Whenever I shared my thoughts about how much people were hurting my feelings, you didn't care about how that could affect the both of us. You just expected me to deal with it on my own. This is my idea for how I deal with that."

He leaned his elbows on the small table, steepled his fingers and rested his head against his hands. She wants to leave you. She’s using the excuse that people are hurting her feelings so that she can leave you and never come back. She never wanted you. She made that clear and you refused to see it. You thought that it was your brain being mean to you. She lied to you. She never loved you and she never wanted you. Now, she’s pretending that worthless people make her feel bad… She would rather look WEAK to you than to stay with you…

“Simon?” She said. He scoffed. Fake concern. Don’t let her trick you with her soft voice. She’s venomous. She let you love her because she was bored, and now, she’s trying to abandon you like everyone else. “Simon,” she said, more stern. Drown her out. Drown her out. Drown her out. Drown her… “Simon!” She had gotten up and turned his face to look at her with her palm. She made him look into her eyes and he was powerless again. “Where’d you go?” She asked, smiling nervously.

“Did I do something wrong? Why do you want to leave me?” He asked, in a small voice. Maybe his brain was being mean right now. Maybe… it was all a misunderstanding? PLEASE, JUST TELL ME YOU LOVE ME AND THAT I’M OVERREACTING! I. WILL. BELIEVE. YOU.

“No. I did. I thought that I was ready to introduce myself to the world and now that the world knows me, there’s people out there who can’t stand me and I just… I don’t know how to do with that. In real life, they at least pretend to like me, you know?”

She rubbed her hands together anxiously. Lies. She can’t possibly care about the way these strangers feel. She’s Grace Monroe. She knows that she’s invincible. Caring about the movements of ants is futile… “Okay… What do you need me to do to fix it?” He asked, trying to ignore his brain’s warnings.

“Just, support me? I just want to take a step back from all the Internet music, maybe keep creating and try to get into a studio with something I’m proud of, instead of posting onto my websites, and… I really want to try to go to school, just to be more confident that I really do belong in the industry and that I’m not just Internet famous because I was a pretty face with the best organic lip gloss.”

“Support you… leaving me,” he said.

She couldn’t pick up any emotion. It was like something had settled in his mind. Something that he didn’t let her know. “It would be temporary, Simon. Just like whenever you thought you would have to go to the military after graduation.”

“I recall very minimal support from you in regards to that.”

“Yeah, well… I stick by what I said. Our military is a global terrorist, oppressing and destroying civilization in mostly Brown nations. Juilliard is hardly like that, and I most likely will get in! I don’t think I'll HAVE to go to Austria. I wanted to be clear that it’s an option. I just meant the time that we’ll be apart. Plus, I’d send for you if you ever need to see me.” She knelt beside him, cupped his face and kissed him on the lips. He froze in place. She NEVER kisses you on the lips. She always moves her face to make you kiss her on the cheek, or the nose, or… something. She’s placed her hand between your mouths, before! You can’t ignore this any further. It’ll break your heart. You’ve lost her. There’s a void where your Grace once was… Tears fell down Simon’s cheeks as he stared at Grace’s confused face.

She wiped them away with her thumbs and as his tears were being cleared away, so was her face. He just saw a blurry form in front of him, a dark shadow, with an aura of smoke. He looked terrified. She turned to look behind her, alarmed by his reaction, thinking something was hovering over her. She definitely felt a switch of things in the atmosphere. She didn’t see anything though. Simon did.

A void. It stood in front of him, speaking with Grace’s voice and trying to pass itself off as the girl he’d loved for as long as he knew her. That girl was obviously gone. No longer fit for him. No longer fit for the Apex. “Okay.” He said, suddenly fine, as far as she could tell. “I’ll support you.” She offered him a small, confused smile, but he didn’t return it. He didn’t even look at her again. He collected their trash, threw it out and took her hand, “I’ll get you home.

Simon was silent the entire way to the Monroe’s estate. He didn’t get out to get her door, or walk her to the mansion, or talk with her father, so she knew that even though he said he was okay with her decision, that he wasn’t. It was best to just give him his space to work it out, she thought. She thought wrong... Simon tensed up whenever she kissed him on the cheek goodnight. As soon as she got out of the car, he peeled away, vigorously wiping the Apex red lip print from his face. She didn’t deserve to grant anybody that mark anymore.

He drove with trembling hands and lips, talking to himself, arguing with himself about Grace. Grace that once hunted down his bullies with him because she thought he was the most important person in the world. Grace who had threatened anyone who so much as said something rude to him in passing. Grace... who used to want to be near him, and have his back. The Grace that couldn’t stand the thought of being anywhere without him at her side... She was as dead to him as Hope was.

Speaking of... This had began right around the time that she brought him to the cemetery. Was it related? Had Hope somehow reached over and taken her vengeance on him by stealing away his Grace and replacing her with this dark spirit? This ghost? This VOID??? He pulled into the garage of his house, crying again. He left his backpack in the car. He wasn’t going to be doing anymore work that night. He passed the shrine that his father had in the workspace every time he pulled in, but usually, he avoided looking at it. Tonight, he paused and stared at her face. He... had forgotten it. He looked at the photos, wondering if she always looked that way? Not the angel that he remembered dying, but something sinister, smiling joyously at him as he shriveled in pain. “Did you do this?” He asked her. He could hear her laughs in his mind from that night. Her taunting him, making him feel like he wasn’t enough. “I didn’t mean it, Hope! It was an accident!” he yelled at the photos.

“Fake man! Fake man! Wook at the widdle baby man! Can’t catch me! You’re not a man! Mommy lied! Mommy lied!”

“I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean to. I didn’t... Please, just... stop.” He whispered, crying more than he had in a long time. Her photos began to move, to cackle, to point at him and call him a baby man... He roared and punched the display, breaking the glass of the frame, which fell on it’s face, bounced off of the desk and crashed to the floor. Now, it was covered in blood. Only a bit of it was from his fist... the rest seemed to be seeping from the cracks in the frame. Like... he had killed Hope, all over again. He picked up a shard of the glass and clenched it in his fist. This was too much. It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be. This was his mind messing with him, He needed to center himself.

He raised his sleeve and looked at all of the tally marks that he had made for his Grace and he began to add on to them. “1 You are stronger than anybody you know. 2 You are smarter than anybody you know. 3 You can survive losing Grace. 4 Only you can get rid of the void that swallowed her whole. 5 You owe the Apex to get rid of the void. 6 You can do anything. 7 There’s nobody who could stop you. 8 You’re on your own now, but that’s for the best. 9 No one will hold you back. 10 No one can hurt you again, because everyone you loved is gone...” He took a deep breath, looked at the broken frame and threw his piece of glass on top of it. He didn’t even care about cleaning it up. The girl in the photo couldn’t hurt him anymore. And neither could the one in his memories... The one that he used to call Grace, “The void,” he said, going into the house.

#If They Didn't Get on the Train #AU Infinity Train #Infinity Train #Nesha Fanfiction #Infinity Train Fanfiction #fics

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memory-bees · 5 years ago

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Two Hands

Warning: Nightmares and slight angst

Pairing: Paz/Din

Word Count: 1,232

A/N: Suggested by @d7foxy

They had found one another on some back water planet, Paz had fled there in hopes of getting the imps off his tail, Din was there for the same. Din had heard hushed whispers of another Mandalorian resting at the cantina just down the road. His hopes spiked instantly, maybe it was one from the convent. Maybe not all of them had been lost. He had hoped for that basically every time he saw the child sucking on the mythosaur necklace.

Once the two had seen each other, Din strode over to the larger man, the baby babbling confused nonsense as to why there were two of them. Paz stood and went to pull Din into a hug, pausing when he saw the child. He had always liked kids, he had helped raise foundlings as soon as he could, although he had never raised one of his own. Paz simply brushed a thumb over the child's head and smiled to himself. Din let the interaction happen, exhaustion leaning heavy on his shoulders.

"I can see why you went back for him."

Din jumped at the sudden words; An action that didn't go unseen by Paz. He tucked that away for later as his friend spoke.

"He's been worth it. He is the future." Was the whispered reply, a gentle hand ghosting over a large ear.

After the child had been filled up with a couple bowls of bone broth, Din led Paz back to the Razor Crest. They walked in silence, and the taller man studied him, making small notes of everything about the man. He was visibly tired, his shoulders slumped as if he were holding a nearly unbearable weight on them. He held the child like he was terrified that he would be taken from him. And the last thing that didn't sit well with Paz was how damn jumpy the smaller man was. It made his stomach twist uncomfortably, they had spoken about what had happened between the first escape from Nevarro and the last. It was a lot to take in, especially considering that Paz wasn't the one to go through all of that in such a short amount of time.

Paz let himself stew in those thoughts as they walked up to the Crest. He didn't see it happen, but Din must have touched a button on his vambrace to make the doors slide open. He followed the two of them into the ship and the doors slid closed once more. Din set the child down and looked up at Paz. He almost instantly crossed the space between them and touched his gloved hand to the side of Din's helmet. Din let out a shaky breath and brought his hand up to hold onto the comforting touch.

"You seem tired, Djarin."

"I am."

Paz chuckled and looked behind Din. He saw the child sit himself down and grab out what he recognized as Din's necklace. He lingered on the sight for a moment before bringing his eyes back to the man in front of him. The air was thick and warm. He wondered vaguely if Din had to keep the ship warm for the little one.

After a few more minutes he murmured, "Go sleep, Din. I can watch the child."

"But-"

"Gar shuk meh kyrayc."

The Mando'a made the shorter man falter and sigh. He muttered something under his breath and stalked away, pausing by the child for a moment before continuing on to his bunk. Paz winced as he watched him lay down in full armor, but decided against saying anything as he sat on the steel floor, watching the child play.

An hour or so later Paz heard a choked sound come from Din. He bit his lip under his helmet and took the child off of his lap, gently setting him on the floor as he made his way to the sleeping man. He was curled into a tight ball, hands holding onto the back of his helmet and making distressed noises in the back of his throat. Paz inhaled and reached down to shake his shoulder when a word escaped the man. It was so quiet Paz barely registered what it was.

"Mom."

Paz's heart cracked at how scared the word was and he immediately went back to waking him up. As soon as his hand touched the shiny pauldron Din jumped.

He turned onto his back and sat up as fast as he could. He wanted to take off his helmet, he couldn't get the air in fast enough, but something in the back of his mind told him not to. He saw movement from the corner of his eyes and looked up at who it was. The sight of Paz made him practically sob in relief and before he could stop himself, he reached out to him. Paz responded in stride and sat on the side of the cot, holding the shaking man close. Paz inhaled and placed his hand on the back of the man's helmet.

"I thought you were dead."

The confession made Paz's eyes sting, but he swallowed and shook his head. Now wasn't the time. Din didn't need him to start crying too.

"I'm not." He assured, pulling away the slightest bit to press his helmet against Din's.

After a few more minutes, the tension melted from Din's shoulders and he sagged into Paz's chest. The larger man simply held him, wishing he could absorb all the negative emotions from Din.

A coo from the other side of the room brought the both of them back to reality. The baby looked cranky, and Din stood up. Paz watched in silent awe as Din stooped down to pick the child up. He pressed his tiny hands against the bottom of Din's helmet and the younger man shook his head. The baby made a 'hmph' sound and reluctantly laid against Din's shoulder. The two rocked back and forth until the baby was asleep, Paz slowly stood so as to not disturb the peaceful moment. Din pressed a button next to him and a small cot opened up. He set the child onto it and hesitated over the control pad.

He jumped when a pair of arms snaked their way around his middle, but relaxed back into the touch. Paz rested his chin on Din's shoulder, the laziness of the air surrounding them and making their insides feel fuzzy and warm.

"You're a fantastic father." Paz whispered, and he had the urge to kiss the other Mandalorian. He wanted that. He wanted to help him raise this child. He barely registered the half audible thank you from the shorter man. Paz inhaled and squeezed Din tighter, wanting to be comforting.

"You cannot carry the world on your shoulders. You have to have some help occasionally."

"I know."

"Do you think you could let me help?"

Din went quiet and Paz's chest tightened. Had he taken it too far? Was this all too much too quickly? As his nerves spiked he barely registered Din turning around in his arms to face him. Only when the familiar clank of metal hitting metal drifted through the room did Paz realize that no, it wasn't a mistake.

"I'm a handful, Vizla. Are you sure you want that?"

Paz chuckled and pulled Din closer.

"Good thing that I've got two hands then, ner cyar'ika."

#The Mandalorian #Baby Yoda #Din Djarin #Dyn Jarren #Paz Vizla #PazDin #Paz x Din #Writing #My Writing #Hush now Kipper

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nyrator · 4 years ago

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more rambling thoughts

mannn, I’m good at rambling, though I expect everyone’s used to it by now

So, talked with a local friend today about RN, getting advice and such. Mentioned it on twitter, but my main focuses of RN should be the following:

increase legibility/flow of text

fill in negative space better/learn better paneling

incorporate art with words better

be more comfortable with what I share

Been always wondering how my text would show up, and then realized- it needs to be bolder. I don’t know how to do that except to re-make the font with a thicker brush, or maybe just use the bold font and re-fill the template and print out a new font (I’d have to erase the old font data on the website I use to make fonts which irks my OCD, but honestly it should be fine since I still have the original template anyway)

in terms of negative space/paneling, yeah, my backgrounds are a bit too barren and I feel like I can only draw characters, and get too lazy/intimidated to work on the backgrounds, so hm. I really like Kabi’s simple yonkoma panel format, but I’ve chosen to do a more varied one, so I just need to get better at doing it.

Also, mannnn, narrating over art is very hard for some reason. It’s one thing to tell a sequential story, it’s another to draw things that represent something you’re narrating. I feel like I’m almost rushing things too much too, when I should make things longer and elaborate- but I guess that’s what later chapters will hopefully be like. But yeah, I write the text out, then I just draw blanks on what to actually draw for it. I need to stomach myself to be able to read more Kabi for reference (god waiting until January for her next work to come to English is painful...), find more autobiographical manga maybe and study them.

I’ve spoken with people about personal issues/the complex I’m scared posting publicly, both because I don’t want people to think less or weird of me, and because the content I want to draw I’ve considered taboo, something you’re not meant to speak about publicly. It’s weird talking about it to people and realizing how silly it sounds out loud, but man, it’s really weighed heavy on my conscious. I’ve seen Kabi speak so openly about it though, and seeing her draw things publicly that I’d be much too mortified to ever draw, and it makes me wonder if I could as well, I suppose.

The answer I’ve figured out is, just do it, but do it privately- Or at least, contain it to the main galleries and not reblog it. Debating keeping it a website-exclusive thing, or having a separate Twitter dedicated to RN. I’ll probably wait until July to decide and think things through. But that way, only people interested in the comic will see it. I just hope that kind of content doesn’t devalue the comic itself.

A lot of my friends have NSFW accounts, places I don’t visit but can only assume about, and I don’t judge them any differently, so wouldn’t it be the same for me if I did this? Yet I can’t shake my insecurities, probably from a lifetime of punishing myself over this silly complex. Is it normal, is it sick? I just don’t know.

Maybe acceptance is all I need, accepting myself that is. Accept it’s a part of me and embrace it, or just be comfortable with it and not care what others think.

Sometimes it feels like I’m living a lie, or leading people on. It’s not related to the complex, but I think about identity issues too, seeing what people face. And I’ve accepted what I am for a long time- an identity of “let other people decide for me, it doesn’t matter what I am”, but I’ve grown to feel more and more like it’s a lie, that I’m just tricking people for no good reason acting like that. Such a passive way of being me is bound to hurt people sooner or later, I imagine.

Acceptance is weird, but maybe one day I’ll accept myself. I sometimes wonder if that’s part of my issue- not letting people see the real me, and being afraid to get close enough for them to find out I’m something different. Even streaming is intimidating to me because of this- revealing flaws of myself, my accent, my voice and the way I talk (or inability to talk coherently is more like it), revealing my appearance to people in things like facecams on stream, it’s intimidating, but maybe I should try it and just move on from this mindset. At least get back into shape and work on my appearance, after the virus I’ve not been maintaining myself properly since I haven’t been leaving the apartment

It’s really hard to do things and keep at it- Finishing projects, maintaining body, learning new things- I still tell myself, “I should learn C or C++, I should learn Japanese”, and I’ve been telling myself that for years. Focus is a tricky thing, and I wonder if I’ll ever be able to learn it or if it’s too late to learn to ‘focus’.

#text stuffs #nyrants

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lukes-teeth-blog · 5 years ago

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Thru These Tears - LH

Pairings: reader x Luke Hemmings

Words: 1.4k

Warnings: none ?

A/N: hello welcome to my ..... first piece of writing. You guys really do not understand how nervous I am to post this. If you guys have ANY feedback.. and I mean any at all, please give it to me, positive or negative i don't care, give me feedback! Also if you genuinely enjoy it, share it with your friends! give this a reblog pleASE because positive feedback with give me motivation to write more. but yeah, i really hope y’all like this. -G

Added note: yes this was kinda sorta inspired by the song Thru These Tears by LANY -G

Another night spent laying in his bed, staring at the ceiling. Luke’s head was filled with thoughts of you, per usual. Like clockwork, he decided he’s had enough so the next thing he knew, he was dragging himself out of bed, throwing on sweatpants and a hoodie along with whatever shoes. Making his way down the stairs, keys in hand, Luke made his way out to his car. He was having another sleepless night, thoughts and memories of you just running through his head. The break up may have happened a month ago, but to Luke, this feels like the hundreth night he’s laid in this bed thinking about you and only you.

“Is she thinking about me too? Does she ever think about me? Who am I kidding, she has to think about me. I was such a big part of her life, she wouldn’t forget about me just like that. She couldn’t just forget about me, right?” His mind races with thoughts like those and many others.

“I was so good to her, it couldn’t have been me. It’s her loss, I gave her everything.” He’d mumble to himself, thinking about all the nights he came home late, bringing you whatever snacks or fast food you wanted, flowers just because he loved you, small gifts because they reminded him of you. He hated to be that guy but he did so much for you and you were totally appreciative but despite what you’ve told him all this time he can’t help but wonder, was it not enough for you? He didn’t mean it like an asshole, he just doesn’t see how this could be his fault. He knows what you said that day, he heard your reasons but there were just so many what ifs in his head still.

He let out a sigh as his attention was averted to the little diner on the corner upon stopping at a red light. That was you guys’ spot. You’d be there at 3am while you’re both still drunk, you’d both catch breakfast there if he had an early flight going out or coming in,

“C’mon! Hurry, babe, I’m hungry.” You’d whine as you waited for your drunk boyfriend to stumble his way out of the uber.

“M’hurryin’.” he’d hum as he made his way to you, grabbing your hand and pulling you close to him,

“What are you doin’? I wanna go eat, my love.” You’d pout and pull your eyes up to meet his, a grin spreading across his lips per usual whenever you called him a pet name.

“You’re just so beautiful and I love you so damn much,” he’d state, grin never leaving his lips. A smile would now spread across your lips as you brought your hand up to cup his cheek gently, thumb running across his cheekbone gently, just the way he liked as you mumbled a simple, “I love you,” in response as he leaned down and placed a delicate kiss to your lips, enjoying the feeling of you melting into him.

He was pulled from his thoughts as he heard a car horn from behind him and he proceeded to press his foot on the gas and be on his way. It was kind of funny because he had no set destination, he just wanted to go. He didn’t even know why. It doesn’t matter where he is, in the house, out of the house, at the grocery store, it all reminds him of you and he’s very well aware of that but still, he wanted out. He wanted out of the home you both once shared with all the memories that were created between the two of you because a lot of the time it was just too overwhelming. Everything around him was just constant reminders of you. The counter you would be sat on with him between your legs, many kisses shared between the two of you, the blank spaces on the wall that once had pictures in frames of the two of you, the corner of the couch he’d constantly find you curled up in while wearing one of his hoodies, the bed where he made love to you or where you guys would stay up late doing God knows what.

The clock on the wall struck 3:30 in the morning, you and Luke were still up. You were just laying in bed together, some random sitcom on TV in the background as white noise. He was laid on his back, lazily playing with your fingers and you were laying on your side with your head propped up on your arm, watching him.

“You complete me,” He admitted.

“Huh?” You hummed in response which made him let out a lazy chuckle

“You complete me,” he’d start “Being with you is so different than anyone else I’ve been with. I feel whole. I feel grounded and you just give me a sense that no matter what, it’ll be okay. The way you care about me and the way you love me is just… so different, I’ve never felt this with anyone else. It feels nice. I feel as if you’re the one. I feel complete.” He’d end with a small shrug as if it was no big deal but to you it was, that meant a lot to you as you were sure it would any human.

You laced your fingers together with his gently causing him to avert his gaze up to meet yours so he could see the small smile on your face,

“I’m so glad that you feel that way because the feeling is mutual. You make me feel at home and I promise I love you more than words can explain,” You’d explain which would put the biggest smile on his face. His only response would be to tangle his fingers in your hair gently and bring your face close to his so he could kiss you.

These memories, they were all too much. Everything was so clear when you were with him. So many nights spent staying up late, talking about marriage, kids, just everything and anything in the future. Everything you guys were about to build together seemed so clear, it was all right in front of you both and now it was nothing like that. It was all lost. You were out of sight but you most definitely were not out of mind. He acknowledges that driving doesn’t do much though, he knows he’s just going to end up driving around the same spots where you guys used to hang out together. It was all just more memories of you and him for him to fill his head with. So many things were going through his head. It was the same stuff as always, he just wishes he could’ve helped you. He wishes he could fix it all.

The thought of the night you left had Luke hitting the brakes. Head in his hands, he just wanted it all to make sense. Everything was a blur, his mind was foggy. He put his head back against the seat, fingers tangling themselves in his golden curls. Once again, his eyes flooded with tears. The night you left him you cried your goodbyes out on his shoulder. It didn’t seem real for either of you. The feeling of him getting to hold you one last time never left his mind. He remembers it so vividly it was like it happened 5 minutes ago.

“Luke, this just isn’t me! This isn’t the life for me.” You explained through tears and he let out a defeated sigh,

“I don’t know what you expected. I told you this might happen.” He said.

“I know that, but I didn’t think it’d be like this.. I didn’t think it would be this hard to handle.” You retorted as you looked down.

“So that’s it then? You’re done? Just like that?” He questioned, him saying those things just solidified what you’re really doing. You were leaving the love of your life. You felt so stupid doing this but you also felt like you had to do this for yourself.

Now he feels so lost. He spends nearly every night driving around with hopes that one time it’ll actually clear his mind. He still feels the hurt and he feels it just as much as he did the night you left. Luke wonders to himself if he’ll ever get back to himself. Will he ever not hurt this bad? Part of him feels like he can recover from this, but he knows for a fact that he won’t be the same without you.

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quarantingz · 5 years ago

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oop mind dump(!), half-baked thoughts (!), usual confusion(!), being busy(!), efficiency(!), procrastination(!) & none of the above(!)

enjoy :))

[written on] 7 april, tuesday

[intended to post on] 7 april, tuesday

[intended to post 2.0 on] 8 april, wednesday

[finally posted, after much procrastination and probably just laziness, on] 9 april, thursday

Hi there!

With a lack of a profound statement to start off this entry, I’ll just say this…my mind is as scattered and non-sensical as ever! What’s new?

Second coffee in, I’m thinking about, as the title suggests, a lot of things (with as much caffeinated enthusiasm as it suggests)! I definitely didn’t think I was going to be writing a post today because I thought yesterday’s entry [monday’s] was heavy enough that I could simmer and ponder over it for a while longer. But I guess, as things go, and because I naturally must write things down, I need to write everything that’s going on in my head right now - before I forget, but also so I can pRoCeSs it :)

I will definitely not get through everything I think I want to write about in this one post, and for the sake of keeping it short and still somewhat legible and engaging, I will try my best. Maybe I will do a part two (??). Hmmm maybe I won’t haha. We’ll see how this goes.

Here we go…enjoy…

So as I was swinging my arms and getting a good stretch of the legs on our family “night” walk yesterday, Tali asked me, “did you have a good day today?”. It was a simple question and one I always answer with a “yeah kinda, did a few things, wish I did more, but tomorrow will be better!”. I like looking on the bright side, but it really got me thinking about what it means to be busy and how society has placed a lot of emphasis on it currently.

I recently read an article on It’s Nice That called, “You are More than Your Output”, which was an interesting read on this idea of “busyness”, the pressures on what we do for a living, self-definition from this and our relationship with work. Oosh, it was confronting and I definitely needed to discuss this with someone further. So of course I decided to send it to Gwen, Cullz and Paulz (there’s something so comforting and encouraging to know that I have people in my life who creatively challenge and most importantly, understand my journey as a creative, post-graduation).

Twas good discussions and what they said was so so good (got my brain juices flowing for sure), but I want to briefly touch on this topic and my thoughts about this…I love being busy, in fact, as I’ve mentioned before, I thrive off being busy. As bizarre as it sounds, I’m almost like an adrenaline junkie who gets off of busy schedules and long lists of TO-DOs. I like to ambitiously jam-pack my day with the most things I can do and “tick off” in ONE day. Sounds overwhelming and you’re probably thinking I’ll burn out eventually and I won’t always like this once I have a full-time job. But for now, I like that feeling. It makes me be and feel productive. And although I regularly remind my friends to take a break and relax in order to rejuvenate, I can’t seem to take this advice myself. I constantly feel like I’ve drunk five cups of coffee within 20 minutes, so my heart usually feels like it’s going to beat its way out of my chest, and my mind is so full, it’s almost incomprehensible and confusing.

Anyway, back to productivity…this feeling is probably the reason why I struggle with self-love a lot - if I’m not achieving everything on my list, I’m not being productive enough, it is not a “good day” and I’m not…“succeeding” in life. Which again, is all about MINDSET, people!

Yes, everything does comes with balance, prioritising and re-evaluating what’s the most important things in life at any given time. Sorry, but I feel like this entry will just raise more questions and half-baked thoughts (ha, managed to tick that off the list!), than actually solving anything.

I guess what I want to touch on here, is not so much on the debate about whether you should be busy or not, it’s more about dismantling these personal-constructs that we have in our minds…

Ahhh, another topic to elaborate on (solely) for another time I guess (…??).

*** SIDE-NOTE (COZ WE LOVE A SIDE-NOTE) ***

Right now [tuesday, 2.40pm], my eldest sister sits on the La-Z-Boy, rocking back and forth trying to write a new idea for a new script. My dad too, sits facing the same way as her towards the ranch slider and garden, bowl of sweet mung bean soup in hand, relaxing in a foldable picnic chair for his “break”. I can’t help but smile at this scene and feel very happy and content in where I am right now. It also makes me chuckle at the contrast of their peaceful reflections with my scattered mind and furious typing. My frantic fingers almost echo in the quiet space that is my living room. I like this. I had only wanted to write one word down for this entry before I forgot it (then finish this piece tomorrow, when I felt like it), but here I am having written over one page long. I’m also not listening to music, which is rare for me as I like dwelling in the emotions and vibe of the music while I write - it helps me as you know by now. But in this moment, it’s just Tema, my dad, me, my typing and my silent scattered thoughts.

*** END OF SIDE-NOTE (ACTUALLY A SMALL APPRECIATIVE-NOTE) ***

Back to the point…the mere act of typing furiously on my keyboard (ooh links!) actually makes me feel busy and definitely makes me look busy. When someone says, “oh Alyssa, you’re always so busy” or “bro, when are YOU free?”, it kind of makes me feel good - that I’m somehow “succeeding” in life because I actually have things to do. But isn’t it all superficial and just an appearance? Because in my mind, I’m not achieving as much as I want to do within a day or week. Anyway, maybe that’s why a lot of people, even myself, give into this idea of busyness - because we’re fed this belief that to be “successful”, means that we not only occupy ourselves to the max, but we look the part too. That’s apparent in any bustling city, like Auckland, or London and Paris. People are constantly moving and doing things. These cities never sleep and apparently that idea means those cities and people are thriving and being “successful”.

I guess another aspect I want to discuss is the idea of efficiency. For some reason, that word is so mockable, but maybe that’s just because my boyfriend uses that word excessively and I like to laugh at him (because he’s silly, not because I’m a bully, woah, CHILL). So to be busy, and therefore “successful” is also associated with being efficient. Which also relates to B, who applies lip balm VERY STRANGELY, but efficiently…he applies it by swiping the stick across his top and bottom lip at the same time, followed by a giddy “EFFICIENCY G!” EVERY. TIME. This is quite like the idea of “killing two birds with one stone”. The idea of doing the most you can and preferably at the same time in order to optimise time. It also links with the saying, “time is of the essence”. Because we have such a limited time on Earth, people feel like they have to fill everyday and every waking hour doing something - or else we feel unproductive and ultimately a “failure”. I’m not saying everyone feels like this (I do), or that efficiency is stupid and entirely negative. I think it’s entirely individual and lies within our perceptions of the things we actually do and hope to do. Everything is relative (??).

Which brings me to the subject of procrastination. For example, in the span it has taken me to write this blog post, I’ve made myself a bowl of plain porridge for my late 2pm lunch (oop photo reference - twas really nice actually), a toastie with salami, sweet thai chilli sauce, harissa sauce and a lot of pepper (odd mix I know), which I had at 4pm, but now consider as my dinner coz now I’m stuffeddddd. I’ve also made hummus (which I think I want to write about next - there’s a metaphor in there that I want to exploit lol) for the fam, folded all of the whites and made the cinnamon apple filling for Tema and I’s mini pies. Talk about procrastination…see here, maybe this isn’t “procrastination”!

The issue lies in how we prioritise and give importance to certain things in our life. And in this case, I’m still being “busy”, but my perception of what I’ve done is that these are menial tasks - they are of lesser importance and priority compared to other things on my to-do list. Again, it is all relative. This comparison between certain things we do is what makes us fall into this trap of self-punishment and “failure” (again, maybe it’s just me). So when we do the thing that seems less important, we consequently feel unproductive . But I had been meaning to make hummus since last week, and I intended to eat lunch at 12.30pm, but got too busy looking through some design concepts for my friend, AND I was meant to fold the whites so my dad could have a clean set of singlets for this week. And lol, I wanted to make pie filling because we all craved something sweet (can’t we just do things just coz?). Looking over these, all of them are important! But why do we prioritise our jobs as so and essentially, degrade our life choices??!

Okay, I think I’m going to wrap this up because there’s no point to this entry anymore. But it was interesting to type out all these random thoughts and somehow try to weave them together. But as always, this is just a ramble. You're confused, I’m confused, we’re ALL confused.

(Or maybe I wanted to see whether you could keep up with my 100 mph train of thoughts hehe)

So to tie everything up in a big, definitely-not-an-indecisive-red-or-maybe-blue-nah-feelin-green-now-BOW…be busy, don’t be busy. Procrastinate, don’t procrastinate. BUT, be kinder to yourself. You don’t have to be busy nor productive - give yourself some slack, you’re doing the best you can! So practice SeLf-LoVe.

You owe yourself thatttt much :)

p.s. I think this post was more me procrastinating about writing and posting, because clearly, I took my time procrastinating and eventually posting three days later than when I first wrote this.

Anyway, have a great day y’all (productive or busy or none of the above)!

- a

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archmage--khadgar · 5 years ago

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Hia! I always feel happy when I see one of your posts pop up on here c: why do you like Khadgar?

*Stares into space* OH GOD THIS IS gonna probably be a long post. HERE WE GO.So uh. I always really like Karazhan and the lore around it, hardcore fell in love with Medivh and pretty much ANYTHING in game that was connected I ate it up. I got the urn, the keys, all the rings, all the rep, you name it. I tried SO HARD to get Atiesh from the old Naxx but that didn’t happen. (I AM STILL SAD ABOUT THAT.) So that was -kind of- the start. In order for the next part to make sense, need to sidestep and backtrack a wee bit for context.Not to be all sob story, but I gotta be honest, I spent most of my childhood alone (either outside or in my room), reading, playing out epic stories with my toys, exploring the outdoors, and most of my social interactions with people I was either being bullied by kids at school or my mother. And y’know, despite all the stories I read or watched on t.v it was a loooong while before there were characters that made me go….”Holy SHIT I know what that’s like!?” Like there was a difference, to me, between characters like Michelangelo and Beetlejuice that I REALLY WANTED to hang out with, and then a character that made me go….”I know exactly how that character feels. What happened to them, happened to me.”Digimon was the show that broke that mold for me when not only were there two characters who had DIVORCED PARENTS!??? Like me, there was a girl who had a REALLY BAD and unhealthy relationship with her mother. (But she was still powered by love, which was awesome.)This kinda started getting me into other stuff because the more characters I found that I could relate to, the easier it was to explain how I felt to strangers and it made friend finding a little bit easier. FAST FORWARDING A LITTLE BIT.

So I certainly have a character -type- that I relate to the most. And it’s chaotic bookwork with anxiety. Fun fact: I am always dubbed “the twilight sparkle” of friend groups IRL because I was always, ALWAYS the one who was solving friendship problems and I did that looong before the show. OOPH. THE BIG PROBLEM. Was that it was getting to the point where all the chaotic bookworms were either: Evil, female (and I love gals, but that’s not my gender identity ORZ), or like. largely hated by the fandom and were always mocked.Or some combination.SO LIKE. Hey, I get introduced to Medivh and his TOWER OF BOOKS and all that shit and it’s like “Fuck yeah sign me up bro, living alone? Shitty mom? I feel you.” But then, y’know. He was a wee bit possessed and not. Exactly the good guy SO THERE WAS THAT.And then. There was Khadgar.I hadn’t been able to find the last guardian book yet, though I had read about the lore highlights online so I was familiar and stuff.And then WoD came out. And Khadgar! Was doing stuff! Which got me excited because it was more of the Lore that I really liked, and during MoP, I was hardcore going…”THE LEGION IS COMING BAAAACK. I JUST KNOW IT. CAUSE WE DIDN’T KILL KJ. SKREE.” I got called crazy and stupid a few times BUT HEY. Jokes on you fuckers I was *right*.Anyways!That first quest chain into Tannan rolls in. And it’s just. Khadgar. Being Khadgar. “Well, then I guess we owe you one.” scene hit every…“Oh fucking god bless Khadgar for the sarcastic sass”Because I really enjoy sarcasm and it’s more obvious in voice chat or in-person but my sass rhythm and tone, especially if I’m ranting is veeery similar to Khadgar’s sass.And then the PUNS. Listen. *Listen*. I hear an opportunity for a pun and I have to take it. I have to. If I try to hold it in my face starts smiling like the Cheshire cat and I sometimes let out a high pitched “eeeeeee” until given permission. After that quest chain, I quickly noticed that no one had rolled a Khadgar blog. No one! And well, I was all about having a blog where I could be free to make jokes all the time. IIRC, my first post was…”The party has arrived~!” Or something like that. I honestly didn’t expect much to happen cause I didn’t have any friends or anything like that and all the wow blogs all pretty much had their followings already and I was uh…a WEE BIT ALONE. But I was like “well even if this blog doesn’t go off I’ll at least have an outlet where I can just be me where no one will harass me.”Cause gotta be honest, I’ve never been well-liked. There was never a place for bookworms who liked puns and had anxiety in the world I lived in. If I acted like myself I was hated, and in order to fit in, I had to be someone else, which was a ditzy stupid, lazy girl. I wasn’t allowed to be trans, (still not back in Maine), or smart, and….yeah. But hey! On tumblr, I can RP a male character that had my same sense of humor and sass and BE MYSELF and NOT BE A GIRL and all my IRL haters wouldn’t be able to stop me.And then uh, A THING HAPPENED. I no longer have the original blog because of reasons I’ll mention later, so I CAN’T REMEMBER who first started sending me asks but I know @kiyastrasza was one of them (she passed away suddenly a few months ago and I miss her SO MUCH.) But then like, I DON’T KNOW. I know I got a few initial asks because “fuck yeah finally a khadgar blog” and honestly, I thought my blog was rubbish because it was 80% me just being my sassy nerd self and 20% studying his word usage for more serious things and getting my hands on every scrap of Khadgar related lore.”So I fully expected to get called out on being canon divergent or a shitty Khadgar or SOMETHING. Or have people ONCE AGAIN be like….”This character archetype is annoying and stupid and we all fucking hate him and hate you for rping him.”But that didn’t happen. In fact the EXACT OPPOSITE HAPPENED.My ask box kept getting filled with puns to be approved, rhyming his name with stuff became a thing and now even BLIZZ says “Dadgar” like jfc what even.And then like. I don’t even know, a lot of it is a blur because it all happened so fast but the BIGGEST THING.Was that for the first time ever, being myself wasn’t met with bullying and hate and people telling me to shut up and go away or anything like that.People -loved- Khadgar in-game. And people -loved- finding a Khadgar blog that “when I read their posts I can hear Khadgar’s voice”. And better yet? KHADGAR WASN’T A VILLAIN! (Don’t get me wrong, I loooove AU’s but imagine being a kid and you can only ever connect to villains and then people hate you anyways IT DOESN’T FEEL TOO GREAT).And uh. Yeah. I don’t really know where to go with this. But yeah! It was the first time where I felt like nothing was wrong with who I was. That there was nothing wrong with being book smart and having a sense of humor and looking death in the face and just eye-rolling and going “Well aiight.”I mean hell yeah there’s been an epic shit ton of drama with people being jealous and making shit up and who the hell even knows what any of that was about anymore, and there’s still plenty of bullshit in my life keeping me otherwise miserable and I’m getting really frustrated that every goal I try to accomplish gets utterly destroyed in some way and I’m currently an emotional husk and I 100% HAVE NOT been myself lately as I’m a mix of grieving and severely hurt and physically ill and I’ve been broken pretty damn hard and when I pull myself back together it’s probably going to be like. 11th Doctor just turning into cranky 12 and not being pleasant BUT. The muse is still strong, the muse is honestly probably the strongest thing about me. Not because I think that I’m actually, really Khadgar and that’s ME you’re talking to in game and Azeroth is real, etc, etc. But it’s strong because that type of muse was already something that was effortless for me and part of my personality foundation. And before the blog it was withering away and crumbling and I had no self-love to keep it going anymore and then the blog happened, and even though I still have 0 self-love, I genuinely hate myself, the love from others healed it, and my love for the character, I think, is my subconscious finding a weird loophole to get around the self-hate because I CAN’T HATE KHADGAR, and fucking hell whenever I make a pun irl and someone is a shithead about it or calls me annoying over voice chat, my brain is like. “Yeah, but if Khadgar were real. He’d laugh.” And eventually, it’s like….”OKAY FINE. IT WAS FUNNY. THAT PERSON IS JUST A SHITHEAD.” I can’t remember where I was going with that. Uhhhhhh……SOMETHING SOMETHING.I absolutely hate myself and feel as if I’m undeserving of love because I’m a horrible, broken person that makes stupid mistakes and is only good for hurting others and being a bitchB U TI hate myself a little bit less when I RP a character, like Khadgar, that lines up with one of my personality foundations, and the general response to it is people loving it and telling them I make them happy. I’ve still had more hate directed at me in the past (and sadly the present) than I have love. But uh. It doesn’t take much love to get me all sappy and crying and happy. (Hate is a tossup, a lot of hate I can take but certain, specific things will strike me hard and fast).SO LIKE. Uh. I know the majority of my foundation at the moment is either destroyed or heavily damaged, cause I’ve also been heckin angry a lot lately and I don’t know how to deal with that at all since it’s something new so a lot of my foundation wasn’t protected against that, and I’ve certainly died emotionally a few times more this year than my normal rate of it taking a couple years or more to emotionally die and regenerate. BUT THE PART that’s still holding fast and bouncing off all the negative self-destructive shit is because of Khadgar, and all 1,297 of you (give or take) that’ve either stuck with this blog since the beginning and through a blog deletion and change or have come recently. That send in everything from ARCANE MEAT to puns, to AU ideas to random nice things SO UH. This is turning into an awkward unexpected thank you, to all of you. dashjkIt’s more than likely that I will live the rest of my life absolutely hating myself, and it’s possible that the rest of my foundations may never heal or be repaired. Even though I can easily attach some of them to characters like Khadgar for the most part, I just….eh. I dunno. No outlet and it’s not prompted ever and…it hurts still cause they’re broken. Which, eh, whatever, healing can’t be forced or half-assed, cause you can’t expect a broken leg to heal as fast as a papercut, all you can do is wait and let things heal or you’ll make it worse, but then obviously you can’t heal EVERYTHING otherwise no one would ever be disabled, but REGARDLESS.I may always hate myself. But I’ll always love Khadgar. And YOU guys love Khadgar. And you enjoy me rping Khadgar. So then I guess MAAAAYBE.It helps. With making it worth. Sticking around for a little bit longer. :T

#THIS GOT SO LONG I'M SO SORRY #it won't let me put it under a cut SKREEE #long post #lothirielswan

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