#lots of dialogue - atleast for me lol
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ichosetenderplaces · 23 days ago
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II : In Your Wake Only Blood and Bones
Part 2 : Feel No Fear Before the Multitude of Men Requested By: @lissthatskiss Ares!Technoblade x HalfNymph!Reader
Recommended Listening: Arsonist's Lullabye by Hozier and Vulture Culture by Fangclub Words: 1.4k Taglist: @lissthatskiss @segnoblade @wingedghostpepper
Technoblade was a bored man. Well, not man per say. Though, it is a funny thought that those mortals think they can match him in skill. The smarter ones pray to him for protection in their battles and while, most of the time, he does not indulge them, he has been feeling bored with even those fools as a way to pass the time. The mortals have constructed an arena in his name and he presides over it for the free entertainment for when he is well and truly bored. He has not checked up on the arena these mortals have declared is his in quite some time.
“Heh?” Technoblade says in surprise. 
There seems to be a woman fighter with one of the most beautiful forms of fighting he has seen in quite some time. It is not uncommon for women to fight in his army. His brothers, annoying as they are, were not the only ones to join him in war. Looking closer, he realizes the woman is barely paying any attention! She is cutting down the man in front of her with a glazed out look in her eye. 
She seems to be a veteran of his arena. A fighter of that caliber going unnoticed by his attention is inexcusable. This arena is a far cry from the best he’s ever seen. Though, they do seem to treat her better than most of the other fighters in this pit. After disguising himself as a mortal man, he begins to make a circuit around the place. They serve her barely enough food, douse her in dirty water to “clean” her, and then she is dragged to her cell. That look in her eye remains all the same.
There is something about her that screams of rivers, mountains, and fields. 
“Hmm, she must be at least part nymph. Though, it is not enough for the mortals to pick up on.” Technoblade mutters to himself. 
You have thoroughly captured his attention. Bored no longer, he eagerly awaits your next fight. 
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Technoblade has never taken much interest in mortals. While he has come across those of whom that slightly impress him, he’s never found one of your strengths. To be able to fight completely on auto pilot. Barely giving any attention to the fellow fighters you cut down without mercy. The blood you spill, the hatred you feel for those who keep you there - it fills him with the strength of a thousand. 
He knows he is not your god. You have the markings of Artemis, but they have faded. It seems you no longer worship her. All the better for him. Though, he cannot make such an important decision, to bring you under his godhood, lightly. He will need to see more of the strength you hold. See you actually try during a fight. If the whispers he has heard around this arena are any indication, it seems your owners are orchestrating your “final” fight - one that is designed for you to lose. 
“Perhaps I could get her to devote herself to me. One divine blessing certainly couldn’t hurt. She will not be allowed to win unless I step in. Hmm, a talk with Lady Kristin is in order.” 
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The domain of the Keres are ever changing. They slip between war torn villages, battlefields, and gruesome epidemics. But, being the God he is, they are more than easy to find. Technoblade has been well acquainted with these goddesses since he first entered godhood, perhaps even before then. There is one Keres, however, that presides over them all. Lady Kristin. It is a good thing that they have been friends for a very long time. For what he is about to ask of her would not be accepted if they were not old friends. 
Arriving in her domain, he is immediately hit with the image of Lady Kristin atop her throne of thorns and bones. At her right side is one of the oldest and most loyal of her servants - Philza. 
“Techno! It has been quite some time since you last visited us.” Kristin greets him excitedly. The Keres are always quite fond of him, for the wars he causes empower their divinity.  They feed on the bloodshed and death he causes, their existence goes hand in hand. However, Kristen is more than just any Keres. She guides those who die a violent death into the underworld - a fate he is trying to stop you from suffering. 
“My apologies. I have found myself a bit bored lately. I thought a visit between friends could break my boredom.” Technoblade drawls. While he did come here to get Kristen to leave your soul to him, he has missed his friends. Kirstin laughs, “You hardly ever crawl out of that domain of yours unless it's for war, or something equally exciting. Not that I’m not happy with you here.” Kristen has always had a way to see through his bluster. For all that he is proud of who he has become, he will never be a people person. He is the epitome of bloodlust, after all. 
“Yeah mate, we usually have to visit after one of your battles.” Philza speaks up from beside the throne. Technoblade tries to defend his poor social life, “Well, I am a busy man.” Kristin and Philza laugh. “You did just tell us that you’ve been feeling bored. A “busy” god such as yourself rarely make time for social calls, Techno.” Kristin speaks with words full of mirth, and at his expense. 
Feeling a slight bit attacked, Technoblade quickly switches the subject. “Well, I am here to ask a small favor, on top of getting to see my dear friends.” Technoblade is not a man who asks for favors. To do so, in his mind, implies weakness. But, he has known these two for nearly his entire time as a god. They will not prey on his weakness, this he is sure of. 
 “Oh, a favor?” Kristen is quickly intrigued, as is her loyal crow. “You almost never ask us for favors, Tech. Certainly not since that time in the Trojan war.” 
“Well, you see, there is a mortal woman who has caught my attention. Her swordsmanship is truly magnificent and she hardly has to think while fighting against her opponents. I fear she will have the odds stacked against her in an upcoming fight. I ask of you to not take her soul.” Technoblade explains. Kristin and Phil quickly exchange surprised and startled glances. “You have not expressed any interest in mortals outside of their wars, what could have possibly brought this on?” Kristen asks, Phil still standing there trying to process such an unlikely request from his oldest friend. 
“They have not engaged in any, truly, invigorating fights. Their meagre wars no longer sate my desire for warfare. Something to keep my attention is badly needed. This boredom is akin to the feeling I had before the war I started with Kronos and his potatoes.” Technoblade explains. Kristin and Phil both pale. That war had lasted centuries and they barely ever got to see their friend, let alone feed on his exploits. “Well, we can certainly help with that. I will appoint Phil to watch over her and give the order to leave her soul to you. I truly hope you will find what you are looking for in this mortal woman.” Kristen replied with enthusiasm. She has watched her friend keep himself at arms length with most of the other gods. Philza and her are the only ones to ever make him feel at such ease. To have another, someone closer, would truly make her excited for her friend. 
“I truly appreciate it, Kristin.” Technoblade says to her. “Let us know if you need any help with anything more, especially considering this lady.” Philza insisted. He knows his friend, perhaps better than anyone else, and knows he is not much of a converser. “I will, Phil, thank you.” “Anything for you, Techno.” The two chorused together. He could not ask for a better pair of divines in his corner. 
After saying goodbye, Technoblade arrives at his home on Mount Olympus. His palace is large and rugged, a reflection of the god himself. The other gods avoid his domain like the plague - and his all the happier for it. Though, having some company to keep him preoccupied during his bouts of boredom would not be objectionable, not in the least.
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hwanghyunjinenthusiast · 1 year ago
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one way; cbg
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part i | part ii | part iii
🖊️⇝ pairing; afab!reader x beomgyu
🖊️⇝ word count; 17.3k
🖊️⇝ genre; enemies 2 lovers, smut, & angst
🖊️⇝synopsis; things have gotten much more complicated in a relationship that spawned from simplicity
🖊️⇝ warnings; thoughts of suicide and murder, brief descriptions of gore, PIV, balls in mouth, lots of kissing, not super smut heavy, manipulation, betrayal, descriptions of depression, assault (the usual), passionate sex, the l bomb
📜⇝ aw man, this is very BITTERsweet. Idk how I feel about this. Ask me in a week and I'll either love or hate it. I didn't go into part one expecting to flesh out their relationship, so please forgive me if this long awaited finale doesn't reach your expectations. I am happy to finally say it's finished though!!
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You didn’t remind Beomgyu of anyone. Maybe before you started having sex, that’s why he was so sure. He felt like he was experiencing deja vu from how similar you were to those groupies. Just awkward, quirky, and harmless. You’re only here to do your job and just happened to become friends with this celebrity. The romantic feelings that developed, oh those are to be expected. Of course you fell in love! But if another handsome, famous fella came around and was willing… that love is suddenly conditional.
But then you were letting Beomgyu bite your lip and rip your clothes off, you were shoving your tongue down his throat and letting him fuck you in every conceivable position. While still remaining kind and loyal to Soobin.
You were even open about the things Beomgyu did to you. You didn’t care how it made you look or if it would scare the others off. You didn’t present it as this passionate sexy moment, but the clumsy and somewhat comical situation it was. You were comfortable with them. Letting them see the real you even if it wasn’t exactly attractive. Maybe Beomgyu was wrong about you.
Then he’d catch these glimpses. Moments where he really saw Hyesoo in you. Everyone would be laughing and then suddenly you’d bring up a recent accomplishment of Soobin’s. It seemed weird to shift mid-conversation to boost him up. But when Beomgyu looked around, no one else saw anything wrong with it. He was hyper analyzing you and he was trying to stop. It was hard not to think about Hyesoo period, but with a new woman cozied up in their dorm it was even harder.
When you’d hit Soobin’s arm while laughing, buy only him snacks and drinks, laugh at his jokes harder than anyone else, fall asleep with your head on his shoulder. No matter how much he tried to stop himself, he couldn’t stop thinking you were buttering him up. Locking him in.
Here he was, staying up until 5 am dwelling on every thought that enters his brain. He lays stagnant in your bed, staring at the ceiling but really at nothing at all. His head flops to the side and he catches a glimpse of your peaceful expression. His eyes track down to your arms curled around his bicep. He looks back up at the ceiling with a lengthy sigh. 
He needs to leave.
It started with him staying a little longer to eat up the food in your fridge. You staying to chat with some of the guys. Him staying to help clean up the vase that fell and shattered during your ministrations. You staying to clean yourself off and mentioning that maybe he should bring by a few spare items of clothing in case he wants to shower at your place. Now both of you have clothes at the other’s house and he’s spending the night.
He could dwell on everything he should or shouldn’t be doing right now or he could stop fighting how the warmth of your presence is lulling him to sleep.
–🖊️⇝
Beomgyu wakes up in the absence of your warmth. If his memory serves him correctly, you’re off to practice by now. He can’t help feeling pathetic as everyone rushes off to their duties while he lounges around. He only has one month left of his suspension before he’s back on the grind. He wants to just enjoy it, but the loneliness of it all after years of constantly being surrounded by hoards of people was undeniably crushing. The people he does see are usually rushing around before leaving him in an empty house.
He slumps out of your room and is hit with the scent of freshly made toast. He spots you in the kitchen, rushing around with a piece of toast dangling from your teeth. Upon seeing Beomgyu your eyes widen, brows raising as you prompt him.
“D’you like butter on your toast? Actually, don’t say anything, I’m doing it.” Your speech is muffled until you take a bite and set the piece down. When Beomgyu finally reaches the kitchen he sees you sloppily slathering butter onto two extra pieces of toast. You place them on a small plate before pushing it toward him. You quickly steal another bite of your toast before scowling at him. “You better not leave a mess for me to clean up.”
Once you finish chewing you’re still maintaining eye contact with Beomgyu. He stares intently, and you wonder if he’s still groggy from just waking up. Then his eyes break away to the state of your hair. He gives another second of thought before sweeping the unruly strands into place.
“You’re going outside, where people will see you.” He tsks.
“Said people should mind their business.” You punctuate by tearing off a chunk of your toast, maintaining eye contact pointedly. You throw the matching jacket to your sweatpants over your shoulder. “Lock my door before you leave!”
As the door shuts, the sound echoing through the now empty apartment, Beomgyu feels hyper aware of how much empty space surrounds him where he stands. The loneliness looms over him, a reminder no matter where he goes. He may joke around, but Beomgyu tries not to whine about his problems. It feels especially inappropriate since you were in this same situation, bound to this apartment with a suddenly empty schedule. But for you, you weren’t sure if you were getting fired or worse, getting stuck in the dungeon for years with no end in sight. 
He thinks about that the entire time he stays within your walls. Where you stood, sat, and lied in limbo. From the couch, he glances over at the spot he found you lying in the day after you wrecked your house. A dark, malicious feeling crawls up his spine and he squirms. Staying in your house was already confusing for him, but with this feeling of what… guilt? He had nothing to feel guilty over. He was protecting his members.
Either way, it was overwhelming. He leaves your home, locking it on the way out. His dorm had his things. He can play video games all day until his eyes dry out. It was undeniably unfulfilling, despite it being what he craved since his trainee years. It felt as empty as his home.
He intentionally has his headphones only over one ear so he can hear when the door clicks open. It’s too quiet to be more than one member. Whatever, he’ll take what he can get. He leaves the game lobby, throwing his headphones off and rushing out of his room. When his eyes are met with blonde hair he stops in his tracks. Soobin silently regards him, not sparing him an ounce of emotion as he makes his way to the fridge. He grabs a soda, pops it open, and throws it back. Beomgyu waits patiently, he needs the interaction and Soobin has to give up this silent treatment at some point.
Soobin empties the can and tosses it, a silent conflict bleeding through his indifference to Beomgyu’s presence. Both men stand in silence, Beomgyu surveying each twitch in Soobin’s expression.
Soobin grits his teeth, hoping if he squeezes hard enough this aggravating feeling flaring up will pass. “You know what really pisses me off?” He snaps once he fails.
The relief he expected doesn’t come. There’s a pang of anxiety creeping up his spine in its place. “That I’m mean to your friend-”
“That I have a feeling this is all about that situation you refuse to talk about.” Soobin immediately shoots down his quip, sparing none of his valuable time for Beomgyu’s antics. Soobin finds that new trials and tribulations rear their ugly head just when he thought he’d gotten used to them. Recently Beomgyu has been one huge trial. He hasn’t been a good leader when dealing with this but Beomgyu is also his friend and roommate. Is he not allowed to just be upset by the actions of someone so close to him? Physically and emotionally?
When he looks over at Beomgyu it’s clear from the look on his face that he’s still not going to engage. Of course it wouldn’t be that easy. Letting out a lengthy sigh, he decides it’s time to abandon his personal grievances for now.
“You slept over at her house?”
Finally, it felt like someone was clamping their hands around his throat. “What, are you jealous or something?” He melts back into his usual self.
“I’m your leader.” Why does he even remind him anymore? It’s becoming increasingly apparent that the title means nothing to him.
“Yeah, you love reminding me of that fact when it’s convenient but it doesn’t apply here.” Getting his fill of interaction, he leaves the kitchen in favor of the living room. “It’s none of your business.”
“It became my business when you got in trouble. You’re on suspension, Beomgyu.” Yet again reminding him of something he clearly doesn’t care about. At least, he thinks he doesn’t until Beomgyu stops. His back is turned toward Soobin but he can still tell that it got to him.
Beomgyu no longer feels isolated but he does feel trapped again. Like the exits are too far away for him to escape and he’s forced to face this. “I don’t blame you for not speaking to the therapist they provide us with the risk of your confessions being reported, but if you tell me what’s going on we can figure this out. I’m also your friend, Beomgyu. You can talk to me.” He says softly, jumping at the chance of an opening.
This is the same guy he would laugh with until it physically hurt but he still couldn’t stop. The one who’d sneak him extra food as trainees. He’s a lovable dork who has proved on so very many occasions that he cares about each and every one of his members. Beomgyu can see it, he can feel it whipping around in the air. Soobin is right and he’s being stubborn again. It’s like the walls are closing in and pushing him closer to Soobin’s hurt but hopeful eyes. Beomgyu shuts his own.
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
Before Beomgyu can see the full transition of his expression he whips around, making his way to his room.
“Really? You’re still gonna pretend nothing is wrong?!” Soobin’s increase in volume is ignored as Beomgyu slams the door behind him.
–🖊️⇝
Tomorrow is Beomgyu’s last day in suspension. Yeonjun proposed they throw a party, just another excuse for Yeonjun to party. He invites anyone whose schedule is free which turns out to be a surprising amount of people. Friendly Yeonjun knows pretty much everyone in this generation and some from previous ones. This once empty building waiting to be bought was filled wall to wall with idols, models, and actors. 
Everyone notable in Beomgyu’s life saw the suspension as a no-touch subject that dampened the mood, except for you of course, the delightful person you are. Here? People are coming up to him with a tone that can only be described as vengeful.
“HYBE seems like such tight asses. You guys should ditch that place and come sign with KQ.” Hongjoong delivers a solid pat to Beomgyu’s back as he guides him to the stacked liquor table. “Let’s forget about all of that tonight.” Hongjoong messily pours two shots, either from having too many already or from sheer excitement to let loose. He hands Beomgyu one before raising his into the air. “To freedom!”
It’s almost surreal. The music feels like it swells as reality starts to dawn on him. His containment is soon to be over and he is completely surrounded by people. Things were finally gonna start looking up again.
“To freedom!” 
They both knock back their shots and submerge themselves back into the crowd of people with refreshed energy. His first instinct was to find you for some celebratory cum dumping, maybe fuck you into the wall of one of these fancy port-o-potties.
“Hey.” 
The voice leads Beomgyu’s eyes to a pair of sultry eyes and plump lips curved into a flirty smile. She was a perfect ten with a rack sitting pretty, the round, soft spheres of her cleavage taunting his already horny brain. Jisun was always a nice piece of eye candy. “Catch up to me,” She gestures to the shot in her hand, “and then let’s play.”
–🖊️⇝
Beomgyu is strange. He clearly still holds some resentment toward you, or at least skepticism, but he’s still around a lot. And you are too, which feels like poking the tiger. If he suddenly decides he still hates you he can rat you out with proof this time. You did blackmail the man. But this is just easier. Being strict and clear about your relationship was exhausting. Sometimes you don’t want to journey right back home after getting your back blown out.
All it would take was one joke from Beomgyu about you being clingy and you would’ve snapped back to the strict rules. Then he spent the night over your house and you felt a little at ease.
That meant you could finally have a sleepover at their dorm, staying up all night with Soobin watching scary movies and then being too scared to sleep. It also didn’t hurt having something warm to snuggle up to. The strangest part? Beomgyu seemed to be easing up. He stopped giving you that look as much, as if he’s trying to catch you scheming.
The party was much needed, and judging by the vibe of literally everyone else around you, all the partygoers would agree. There’s this overwhelming sense of relief and it’s intoxicating. Nobody can be as relieved as Beomgyu, wherever he is. You keep an eye out for him, in case he wants to monkey around in some pocket of the building. 
“Hey!!” Soobin grabs your shoulder to stop you as he maneuvers around you. “There you are!”
“And here you are! I can’t believe you’re here and not at home watching anime!” You lean a little closer for him to hear over the music.
“I know! I decided I could try and blow off some steam since I pretty much have the day off tomorrow.”
“Pretty much?” You ask, curious if a monthly diet and exercise report was a company-wide event.
“We’re having a meeting before Beomgyu is reinstated. They said it’d be a small one but I’m still blowing off steam in advance.”
“Yikes. Let’s get some drinks in your system.” You guide him to the alcohol like a nurse escorting a frail patient.
All four of you were downing shots like your life depended on it on opposite sides of the bar. Beomgyu was caught up far before you and Soobin drank your stress away, so away he went. Jisun was whisked to whatever private area they stumbled across first. The spacious storage closet behind the first door he opened seemed like stumbling across the gates of heaven. With a swift turn, he flashes Jisun a smirk and pulls her in. 
“Have you seen Beomgyu yet?” You probe, trying to look casual and not let your genuine inquiry slip through. You’re realizing the longer you’ve gone without seeing him today that you may crave more than just a quickie. A flash of his signature smirk passes through your mind and your stomach fills with a joyous warmth. You find yourself smiling. You quickly drop the smile, peering at Soobin as he stares at the ceiling.
“Not yet. I decided not to look for him and just let him relax. This party is for him after all.” He speaks quietly and you can tell there’s a lot more going unsaid. “For all we know he might not be here.” You laugh, having to force it as this feeling you can’t– or won’t– describe dawns on you. Soobin sighs, not able to shake the conflict in his head.
“I don’t know what’s going on with this man. I don’t know how to get him to talk about it-” He stops, raising his hands as if the gesture will help him conjure his thoughts. He shuts his mouth, dropping his hands in favor of grabbing a shot and downing it. “Has he said anything to you? About anything bothering him?”
“To me? Yeah, that’s not really how our relationship works.” You shake your head, tossing your own shot back to try and dull the emotions begging to be unpacked. Is something bothering him? When is something not bothering him? Now that you think about it, you haven’t seen goofy Beomgyu with your own eyes. You’ve just heard about his harmless mischief through the grapevine. “Loveable brat” is how you overheard Chaewon describe him. You didn’t really get either descriptor at first. More like “punchable asshole”. Without the constant screaming and threatening to ruin the other’s career, you suppose you’re getting close to seeing that side of him. The night before he slept over you shared a kiss that was simple. So simple it was loaded. There was no lust behind it, just a tender gesture with no follow up. Just you waking up holding him. And him holding you. 
“Did something happen?” You ask before chewing on your nail.
“Around when we first debuted. I haven’t thought about it in years because he refuses to talk about it. I really don’t think this is just about him wanting to protect us.” Soobin shoves his shot glass away, seemingly giving up on that method since it doesn’t seem to be working.
“Boy, aren’t you glad you got stuck with these guys?” You laugh and he lets one out as well, though unintentionally. He shakes his head, straightening his face. “No, I am. I really am. I’m lucky.” He knows you’re joking, but it doesn’t settle well when he remembers how he’s been acting. Beomgyu’s supposed leader giving him the silent treatment like a child or a frustrated lover. He sighs, letting out another laugh. This time it’s dry, expressing contempt for himself.
“I’m not really in the mood for a party anymore.”
Beomgyu did not ruin your career but he did ruin the mood for both of you and he wasn’t even there. You echoed his sentiments and he convinces you to come over. It wasn’t very hard, seeing as you could both use the company. There are no other members home yet so you didn’t have to share the blanket. You had it wrapped around the both of you like a cocoon as you tortured him with a scary movie. 
“We could’ve been watching The Bad Guys and-” Soobin wails loudly right beside your ear at the world’s most poorly set up jumpscare making you jerk away from him. He clings to you but you pry him off immediately.
“Are you not ashamed? A baby could sit through this.” You deride, shoving him away again when he tries to lean into you. “You’re so mean!” He erupts after trying to grab onto you a third time.
“No, you’re just a pussy.”
Soobin stands from the couch and snatches the remote from the other side of you. He pauses the movie, ignoring your protesting. “Since when were you so comfortable with disrespecting me?” He scolds playfully, setting his hands on his hips. “Last I remember, I was still your senior.”
“Would you rather I kiss your ass like before?” You cock your head to the side with a raise of your eyebrow, speaking about your former crush for the first time to him outside of the initial awkward phase after the rooftop mishap. He finally collects himself, fighting through his shock. He sits back beside you, keeping his eyes on you as he wraps the blanket back around you.
“I like this version of you much better.” He admits quietly, eyes genuine as they gaze into yours. You breathe a small laugh.
“Don’t tell me you’ve got a crush now, Choi.” You reply at the same volume. The atmosphere felt a lot more volatile suddenly, it was as if you both were close to triggering something.
“You’re getting ahead of yourself.” His eyes leave yours, giving you a little time to breathe. “I am turned on, though.”
Your pussy clenches hard, feeling a vortex of pleasure swirl in your stomach. You suck in a breath subconsciously as your eyes become glued to how his tongue skits over his bottom lip. He must be wetting them in an attempt to maintain their softness, unlike Beomgyu who bites at them until they’re utterly ruined. Kind of like he’s doing now back at the party. He just needs some way to cope with the pulsing need overwhelming him when he needs to empty his balls. With two handfuls of Jisun’s tits, he gets a similar feeling. His teeth dig and tug at his poor bottom lip. Better it be his lip than her soft skin. He needs to remember this isn’t you he’s playing with.
Fuck, if it were you he’d sink his nails in until you yelped. Feeling his cock jump at the sound and ache at the thought of you loving the pain as much as he loves inflicting it. That delicious look in your eye exposing how much you want to absolutely ruin him in a way no one has before.
But the look you give Soobin gives Soobin pause. He raises his eyebrows before leaning back, letting his head fall back onto the couch. “You don’t still have a crush on me, do you?”
His eyes are like hot fudge drizzling over a mound of ice cream, melting every inch it touches. Still, something nags at you. You need something inside you and you need it bad… but this should be affecting you much more. “I don’t think you have to worry about that.”
His eyes dip lower, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth. Nag nag nag. It’s just dick, you tell yourself. You just need some hard sex and this feeling will go away. You grab Soobin by his shirt and pull him on top of you. He happily engulfs you with his large body, caging you in as he devours your lips. They’re still slick with his own spit. They squish and slide against yours and your body ignites. You wrap your legs around him and push his bulge into your core. He groans and you grin against his mouth. So vocal.
Beomgyu would say the same about Jisun, except it wouldn’t be praise. It’s just noise with no rhyme or reason. She’s not reacting to the curl of his fingers inside her, her moans don't correspond with the clench of her walls, there’s no sign she’s being caught off guard by anything he’s doing. Just. Noise.
Everything about her just dissolves into meaningless blobs of nothing. His fingers sloshing inside a wet cavern, his hands squeezing doughy flesh, and his lips brushing against mindless flaps that omit noise constantly. It quickly becomes mind-numbing and he can feel himself going limp. If you were here instead, you’d gasp when he pushed his fingertips into your bundle of nerves. Not meaning to dig your fingers into his shoulders but not being able to help how your body naturally reacts. You don’t want to whimper when he sucks on that sweet spot on your neck but you just can’t help it.
He can feel himself get hard again, his fingers curling and pushing into Jisun’s heat fluidly with you vivid behind his clenched lids. Where are you? He’s suddenly pulled out of the heated moment he’s sharing as the question pops into his mind. If he searched for you, could he be inside you right now instead? Jisun’s noises pull him from his thoughts. How pathetic would it be for him to scramble out of the closet, pussy juice still on his middle and ring finger as he looks for you with his eyes wide like a puppy? First he cuddles you and spends the night at your house and then you see him like that? His eyes snap open.
He grunts, pumping his fingers with more vigor. He has a warm hole for tonight. There’s always tomorrow. That frustrating feeling of the intoxicating warmth leaving his groin as you dissipate from his mind is back and he chases it again. The image of Jisun’s exaggerated expressions flicker away behind his fluttering lids before his mind projects your face twitching to keep your bliss hidden. Pleasure so strong that even the raging flames of hatred can’t burn it away. 
A penis entering a vagina was something you were taught was reserved for the pinnacle of love. When you were old enough you were promised tender touches and emotions so deep and complex they would bring you to tears. You and Beomgyu were swept up into the limelight long before you could get a chance to naturally build up such a relationship and experience such a transcendental feeling. Instead, the two of you bastardized the act with one night stands and relationships built on flimsy foundations only to come crashing down from neglect or simply not knowing who was under your sacred roof. How could you not? There’s no time, too much stress, and too much at stake. 
So you fuck and fuck until the act becomes something so unrecognizable that you come out the other end. Letting someone tear at your flesh and tamper with your spirit as they touch you the way someone you love should. Yet here you are with someone who would treat you right, someone who you longed for for so long, someone who holds you like you’re porcelain with passion still flowing through every action. You should be falling head over heels again. Your crush should be flooding back with crashing waves wrecking everything in its wake until nothing is left but your undying need for Soobin. But no. He mouths your neck as he thrusts shallowing, checking in to make sure he’s not hurting you. 
Everyone who taught you about how sex would feel were right about one thing. You were brought to tears. 
“Beomgyu.” You blubber shamefully, gritting your teeth before hiccupping. You fail to suppress it. Everything becomes a blur as tears stream down your face. The self-pity numbs you beyond repair.
Your name leaving Beomgyu’s lips doesn’t feel real. He only realizes what he’s done after Jisun’s warmth is gone. He opens his eyes and she has moved as far away from him as she possibly can in the confined space. Her angry words don’t register as she fixes herself and storms out, brushing his shoulder on her way. Once he was old enough, Beomgyu was taught a little differently. His father would wait until his mother left the room to get filthy about it, wiggling his eyebrows. His friends would boast and fantasize lewdly in the back of the classroom about it. The pinnacle of sex was supposed to be casual with beautiful women. The only hate sex guys his age fantasized about were low-stakes scenarios you only see in porn. What the two of you had? No one with any ounce of self-preservation would touch this with a ten foot pole. They’d call you “psycho”, block your number, and avoid you like the plague.
Not daydream about you while experiencing a man’s definition of the pinnacle of sex. 
–🖊️⇝
Soobin is a saint. He waited patiently for you to calm down, holding you and rubbing your back. He didn’t complain about his lack of finishing once and didn’t make you feel awkward. He just giggled at your swollen face after you finished. You sat quietly on the couch, staring at whatever movie had auto-played.
“You guys are very similar, you know?”
The urge to start crying again chokes you and you swallow it down. “Soobin, that's a horrible thing to say.” You sigh.
He laughs loudly, trying to stifle his overflowing amusement after seeing your eyes get glassy again. “That’s why you hate each other so much I think.” He says once the humor subsides.
“I hate him because he was horrible to me.” You correct, unable to suppress the annoyance flaring up at his ignorant assumption.
“He was horrible to you, right?” He looks over at you, looking back at the tv once he sees your stone-like expression. “But you still resent each other despite you guys not being at each other’s throats for about a month now.”
“Because I’m wary. He’s wary. We both are constantly remembering something horrible we did to one another.” You suck in a breath, ready to vent about all the ways he’s scarred your skin with proof, but which ones were the ones you encouraged? It didn’t feel appropriate to lie or guess no matter how much you wanted to. Fuck, you wanted to scream about Beomgyu and how much you should hate him. You whimper, resting your face in your hands. “What’s wrong with me?”
Soobin doesn’t answer, leaving you with your own thoughts. You find yourself appreciating the silence.
“Do you love him?”
Numb and hollow… yet throbbing and infected. The space between the skin of your forehead and the bone of your skull felt like it was swimming with complicated activity as your brain echoed the devastating question. Not because the answer was yes but because it had to be answered at all. You raise your head slowly from shaking hands before standing from the couch.
“I’m going to sleep.”
–🖊️⇝
Waking up that morning for both of you was somehow more loaded than waking up in each other’s arms. You couldn’t be with each other or away. It didn’t matter. It wasn’t simple anymore and the complication of it all was starting to get exhausting. You slip from beneath Soobin’s arm, careful not to wake him. Beomgyu trudges out of his bed, feet plodding heavily toward his door. Both doors close simultaneously with a dull, echoing thud, neither noticing the other as you both stand in silence. It’s only when you start to move that Beomgyu notices you. His chest rises slightly with a small gasp. There you are.
“You didn’t tell me you were coming.”
For a second your eyes meet his and there’s a flicker of something that excites him. You straighten up. “I was with Soobin.”
“But you could’ve been with me.” Beomgyu can feel himself get worked up at just the thought of something that actually gets him going. 
“Believe it or not,” You draw nearer and Beomgyu’s eyes are locked onto your lips as they part. You lean in and the warmth of your proximity ceases his breathing “he kept me company.” 
It felt like slow motion when you pulled away and winked at Beomgyu. A gesture that should’ve been harmless and maybe even cute made Beomgyu feel like hot curdled liquid was crawling down his throat.
Once you pull back Beomgyu’s expression hardens. His eyes prick you like needles. “What?”
His tone and glare make you flinch. Your smirk flickers away. This is usually how it starts, but a part of you just wanted to cut out all the bullshit and get to the part where he makes you scream his name. But the look in his eye… something’s different. Something’s wrong. 
“I-I had a little fun with Soobin. It didn’t really go far though because I…” You choke on your words, feeling your heart throb when he tore his eyes away. He couldn’t read your mind but you couldn’t stop yourself from believing he somehow sniffed out the pitiful truth. 
Beomgyu laughs dryly and each moment without proper words made you feel like screaming. Beomgyu flexes his hands, avoiding your eyes while he cracks his knuckles. He balls them into tight fists before staring at you with a level of fury that makes your blood run cold. “I fucking knew it.”
The words struggle to leave his lips as if they had to pass through a filter of his growing disdain for you. Quiet, yet still piercing enough to get you stammering. “Y-you can’t be serious. You’re not seriously talking about what I think you are right now are you?!”
And just like that the two of you are back to square one. Everything that happened in the last two months, hell, the last 48 hours feel like they mean nothing. Why would they? It’s Beomgyu’s fault for letting things get the way they are. Beomgyu feels this nauseating sensation curdle in his stomach and it’s strong. So strong it forces a lie out of him. 
“I’m just trying to protect my members. God– is that a crime or something? Why am I the bad guy? You’re not gonna get away with using us like toys. Maybe you’ll have better luck whoring around Enhypen.” He spits out the words, hating the way they taste. This is your guys’ dynamic, right? Now you’ll start throwing things and screaming at him. 
But nothing comes and Beomgyu realizes he hasn’t been looking at you. At what point he looked away again, he wasn’t sure, but he couldn’t get himself to make eye contact again. The lack of response clouds his lungs, a stabbing pain screaming in his temples.
After the silence suffocates him to near death he finally manages to look at you. He has to muster all his strength, but he does. And you’re crying. His body feels hollow. No arousal or sadistic pleasure is derived from this. He can’t even feign it.
Still, the silence won’t let up and as if to punish him, his body won’t let him look away. As if two hands are holding his head in place and as a sinister voice hisses in his ears.
LOOK AT WHAT YOU’VE DONE.
How much time passes, he’s not sure. Enough time for him to realize how much chaos and stress he’s caused to his leader, his members, his company, and to an innocent person with an innocent crush.
More tears well and skit from your cheekbones straight to the carpet beneath both your feet. Darkening the fabric. The words you’ve been choking on finally release, though they sound frail and strangled. “Beomgyu. I don’t know how else to get through to you. I care about Soobin. Fuck…” You don’t attempt to wipe the tears away or cease them in any way. Your head falls as if your neck can no longer support it. “I was starting to care about you.” 
Hostile would be putting it lightly. The activity in your brain and heart is like a dozen hornet’s nests being shaken and preparing to erupt, one for each emotion reaching its peak. You grit your teeth so hard you think they’ll crumble under the pressure.
“You wanna know something? The only person hurting someone by turning on them is you.” You hate the implications this leaves but your thoughts and emotions are on overdrive and you need to leave before it gets any uglier. “I’ll respect your wishes. Friends aren’t worth dealing with this, I’d rather be alone. Just promise me you won’t involve my career in your bullshit this time.”
As you storm away, barely able to look that man in the eye you realize this. This is what you were wary of the entire time. It wasn’t him ruining your career or biting you until he draws blood or turning your friends against you. It was this feeling you were experiencing. Pain so deep you’d almost call it heartbreak. However, it wasn’t earned from time spent with someone who cherished you and made you feel like you were worth something. All this heartache…
You let him do unspeakable things to you. You let him hurt you in ways you would’ve never let anyone else. You welcomed it.
In an alternate reality, you’d be kicked out of your company, stuck with a damning reputation, and banned from the only true friends you had. The man who would’ve caused all that turmoil in your life, with the intent to cause that harm, is the same one who your heart is aching for. 
–🖊️⇝
The curtains across the room have become blurry blobs of color after being stuck staring in that direction for what felt like too long. You had to start, if you’re late sending this video in then there will be another crack. You manage to squeeze your eyes shut and jump start your brain once again from its brief hiatus.
The inhale you suck in shudders beyond your control. The more time that passes with that song out in the open for anyone to hear, the less you can hide your anxiety. You hold your breath until it hurts before blowing out a rushed gust of wind. You’re stagnant again, and before your brain can shut down for one more sweet break you force a smile and hit record.
“Hello precious moonbeams!~ I hope you’re all doing well. Thank you for all the support on Strawberry Jam. I was so worried!” You pout. “It’s a bit of a weird song, right? It’s very different from Laude so I was scared you guys wouldn’t like it. But… wow. The support is…” Sincerity bleeds through as you reflect on traversing your favorite store and then hearing your voice through the speakers.
“Pierce me, Bruise me, keep going until you see strawberry jam”
Your blood runs cold, and your eyes snap up as if you’re being caught saying something you didn’t mean to be publicized. A couple of passersby whisper or stare or gasp. You run out of the store.
Before you can get too sincere you force the smile back in place. “It’s overwhelming. Seriously.” Your eyes get glassy and you chew on your lip. “Thank you.”
All the cracks that have reared their ugly head so far have been mostly forgotten because of the overnight success of your first comeback. Your debut was deemed a flop in comparison to your colleagues, so this was absolutely necessary. It was mandatory. You finally feel like you’re making progress digging out of this deep hole. 
There are signs your company still doesn’t fully trust you.
The first big sign was the debut delays. You were sure they were going to cancel it and that they saw you as a risk. The cracks were treacherous. Then you debuted and the reception was lukewarm. You sat in limbo for days, reading negative comments until your head span. A piece chips off revealing an inky black abyss. 
Then you heard your comeback song. Instead of classy and subdued like your debut, this song was hard to swallow. It was asymmetrical and loud. It was raunchy.
“What do you think?”
You sat in silence, jaw dropped open, a truck sized lump in your throat. You could hear the sound of cracking. But why? This song was a clear hit. You could hear another idol performing it well. 
But it’s yours.
“Ready to record?”
You nod, hoping that will become true with time.
The track plays and your fears ease a bit. You bob your head to the beat. Everything goes fine until the same lyrics that struggle to come out of your mouth approach. You power through. You need this.
“I should hate it but I don’t”
This will be a hit, you can get through this. 
You continue powering through but the dread builds and builds. You hate this line, you hate it so much. Your breath gets caught in your throat right before it’s time and you know you’re about to choke.
“Can’t promise I won’t cry but I…” You sigh and drop your head. You already knew it was coming when they ask you to do it again.
“Can’t promise I won’t cry but I-I know that you like that…”
CRACK
The producer slides his headphones off with a chuckle. “I know. It’s weird, right?” He winces as if he’s mirroring your assumed feelings on the matter. He’s half right. It’s obscene and you hate it. You hate it so much.
“I’m sorry, let’s go again.”
The track replaying is like a death march. Your throat bobs, doing little to refresh your throat that feels like it’s filled with cactus needles and glass.
“Can’t promise I won’t cry but I know that you like that-”
The line processes in your mind and you connect it to the past despite avoiding doing so as if your life depends on it. You reflect on all the times he’s brought you to tears. How hot they felt rushing from your eyes after you frustratingly kissed him for the first time. How helpless and pathetic you felt crying as he restrained your wrists, only to spray you in his seed mockingly. And most frustratingly of all, you crying while revealing that you actually cared about him after he did exactly what you knew he would.
CRACK
The calls of your name are muffled as flashes of his face refuse to leave. You grit your teeth, feeling a frightening level of rage familiarly build up inside you. “I hate him.”
You rush out of the recording booth, mortified as tears stream down your face. He’s done it again. He isn’t even here and he’s done it again. If he could see you right now he’d probably smile. It would probably brighten his day. And you welcomed that monster into your bed.
You’re all the way back home once you realize what you’ve done. The producer is probably calling your manager who is calling the CEO about how much of a pain in the ass you are. You need to get yourself together quickly and get back there. You run to your bathroom and look in the mirror. You plant your shaky hands on the sink
“I’m…”
Your voice wavers. Your resolve dissipates as you stare at the cracks that have transferred to your very visage. A shard dangles where your eye resides before falling away. Again, the black nothingness is left behind and you’ve already forgotten what your face normally looks like.
Your phone starts to buzz and you slowly fade back to reality.
–🖊️⇝
“I have no clue who that is. Why can’t we collab with a Korean artist?” Beomgyu mutters. Soobin grits his teeth and elbows him. He rolls his eyes despite the instant regret. It takes only a minute of fading into the background as the other guys engage in productive conversation for the guilt to fully bloom. On one couch there were four employees and one temperamental child.
No matter where he goes he feels this way. The guys don’t bring girls to the dorm anymore. If they go out to see one, they nervously lie about it and rush out of the door. 
Anytime they bring up a memory tainted with you, Beomgyu is greeted with shocked silence and finds four panicked eyes on him like they’re afraid they’ve poked a tiger.
All those posters, cardboard cutouts, and billboards that are fucking everywhere are like land mines. To anyone else it would be comical to watch four grown, big ass men tiptoeing around a mall like one wrong step will blow their leg clean off.
And the song.
Beomgyu… he is really trying to get better. If he didn’t attempt to, Soobin would probably choke him out. He’s been very patient, but anyone in his shoes would be exasperated. When they’re in public or in a meeting and Beomgyu is being a menace is one thing, Soobin lets him know then and there that he’s serious.
However, when they’re alone, it’s strangely peaceful. He asks Beomgyu about his day and his mental and emotional state. He hasn’t brought you up for a while now. Tomorrow will make 6 months.
Tomorrow comes, Beomgyu’s indifference is slipping. While everyone else walked on eggshells, Beomgyu coasted through the situation like nothing happened. But somehow, the fact that the boys are becoming more accustomed to not bringing you up is bothering him. He only sees you through screens or your likeness plastered on paper or cardboard. 
The last time you physically entered his vision was during your goodbye stage of your debut promotions. It was a brief glimpse but it was enough to show you weren’t doing well. It was an image burned into his memory. None of the photo shoots could replace it. Even longer before that was the last time the two of you made physical contact. The feeling of holding you in your bed is long gone. Everything about you feels like a ghost now.
“Here he is!” Beomgyu looks up from his phone he wasn’t really looking at anyway to see Soobin walking over with some girl. Beomgyu slides down his mask to present the girl with a tight smile and bow.
“This is Jiwon from Cherry Bullet.” 
“Hello.” Jiwon bows with a bright smile and somehow the common gesture illustrates just how efficient of a person she is. He has no clue what a cherry bullet is but something tells him she’s a stellar idol. But why was she talking to him? Beomgyu looks up at Soobin’s phony wide smile before getting distracted by the rest of his members frantically trying to stop what’s happening. Yeonjun tugs Soobin to the side, jaw jutting forward as he grits something out Beomgyu can’t quite decipher.
“I’ve heard people refer to you as a video game protagonist.” Beomgyu’s attention is ripped away from his members as Jiwon speaks again with a little more hesitance this time. What, does she think he’s a ticking time bomb too?
“What?”
“Your visuals.” She clarifies, seeming a little more relaxed now. “Now that I see you in real life I can say I see it too. I didn’t know before but I think that’s my style.” She looks down, still appearing resolute despite the shy action. 
“I don’t usually do things like this, I value my job and image, but I was just so curious about you. I felt a bit weird asking Soobin to introduce me to you but…” As if she realizes she’s been having a one-sided conversation, she stops herself and looks at Beomgyu expectantly.
Every so often, Beomgyu catches wind of a rumor going around about himself. Whether it’s someone he’s cool with reporting back to him or rookies being way too loud and excitable. He supposes every idol experiences this, and most likely they’re as indifferent as he is. He’s a former thug, he’s gay, he’s fucking an executive, and the biggest one:
He’s a womanizer. 
That one sometimes goes hand in hand with the thug one, but it’s mostly referring to his current idol lifestyle. He doesn’t know how it happened. He hasn’t been in a relationship since Hyesoo. He couldn’t be one if he tried. He lets his emotions get in the way. A part of him wishes it were true. Maybe he would stop craving nails raking into the flesh of his back or bite marks on his bottom lip and shoulders. Maybe he would stop waking up with soiled sheets because he has dreams about being ridden long after he’s already cum. 
Of course now he’s thinking of you, despite chatting it up with Jiwoo– or no, Ji…
You’re probably getting relief every other day with how famous you are now. If you even have the time. In that case, you’re probably locking you and some guy in dressing rooms, closets, anywhere you can get privacy for a quickie. 
But no… you’re not like that. You only let Beomgyu see the deepest, darkest parts of you because you were pushed to do so. Beomgyu’s face goes slack, staring deep into space. You hated him so much that you didn’t care about bearing the ugliest side of you to him. Gnashing your teeth with your shirt a tangled mess over your torso after you gave up on taking it off. Saying the most venomous things Beomgyu’s ever heard while milking him for all he’s got. Even after things cooled a bit, you would let him touch and taste you before you even showered. Opening the door to let him in with stains all over your shirt and leftover makeup from the day before.
“I thought about jumping off the roof at practice while I was on my break.” You had said to him after couch sex. You guys were watching Community and eating ice cream. You were just joking about one of the characters being dumb. Beomgyu had looked at you, completely bewildered.
“Isn’t this what you wanted? What you’ve been waiting for?” He asks incredulously.
You sigh dramatically.
“Yeah, but I’m so fucking hungry. My body aches and my hands shake so much I can barely hold a pen to write my own name. I made a mistake and my instructor cussed at me and called me useless.” You laughed sharply before letting your head droop over to face him. “D’you know they delayed my fucking debut again? Before I thought about offing myself I imagined slitting my manager’s throat and bludgeoning the dance instructor to death and stripping down so I could smear both their blood all over me until it covered every inch of my skin. It was so brief but so so vivid.” You rushed out the words in a crazed fashion and you looked at him with wide eyes. You smile. “Then I imagined you coming in, we had sex and then I strangled you until your eyes bulged out–” You catch your breath and look back at the tv. You looked down at your hand and groaned. Your ice cream had melted over your trembling hand.
“Fuck it–” You rush over to the trash can and chuck it before aggressively wiping off your hand with a tattered kitchen towel. You stomp over to the fridge and take out one of the multiple spoiled bags of salad mix and dump it in the trash to cover up the tossed ice cream. You throw a glance at him.
“Make sure you eat that all or cover your tracks if you throw it away.” You mutter, finding your voice wavering suddenly. You sniffle, slamming down on the couch. You refuse to look over at him as tears break free from your eyes. You feel him move closer to you on the couch and you grit your teeth. His hand curls around the column of your throat but he doesn’t apply pressure.
“I imagined killing my manager once too.”
You peer over at him, he’s looking down, his thick lashes on display. “Except I stabbed  him over and over and over until he was an unrecognizable mound of mush. You’re right, it flashed by so fast. I was so sickened by it I pretended it never crossed my mind. Yet here we are…” He finally looks up with a smirk. He finally applies the pressure and you inhale a shuddering breath.
He moves his lips next to your ear, his breath fanning on it making you shiver. “Does it hurt?”
Immediately understanding what he meant you nod feverishly. 
“I’ll distract you.” He answers quickly before swinging his leg over and resting his knee on your thigh. He sits all his weight on your thigh and he squeezes your throat. He repeats it again breathily as he stares down at you wistfully. Your strangled whimpers get him straining against his jeans. 
“I-I…” You find yourself speaking against your will. No… this isn’t how this went. He squeezes again and you moan. You want to clench your thighs but his knee is pinning your leg down. You can’t think, it’s perfect. Still, you find your mouth moving. No! There were no more words exchanged after this. You fucked again and he slept over.
“I-I’m so lonely,” Your voice quivers before you begin sobbing uncontrollably. When you open your eyes and blink away your tears you see a twisted wide grin on his face. His eyes are wild. You tremble in fear, unable to speak anymore. No no no no no no no…
“I fucking knew it.”
You gasp for air, it feels like he’s crushing your windpipe.
“Just a sad, lonely, nobody coming to mooch off of us. Pitiful. You want friends? Huh?” You feel blood rushing up to your face. “Too bad. You don’t deserve love. No one fucking likes you and no one ever will. I’ll do you a favor.”
Almost as if he’s beating you to what you briefly daydreamt about, he applies his other hand and you want to scream. Your ears start ringing and you feel something warm trickle from your ears and all of a sudden there’s a bright light and a piercing noise–
You jolt up from your bed, continuing to sob like you did in your nightmare. You stumble out, nearly tripping as you reach to turn the light on. After doing so you slide down against the wall. Sobbing until your chest hurt and you had no air left in your lungs.
–🖊️⇝
There’s no doubt this song has gotten you some perverse comments and unwanted attention, but it must also get you positive attention too. He’s never seen you hang out with anyone else  besides the guys but surely you have an entourage by now. Guys lining up to treat you right. Ones you wouldn’t feel are deplorable enough to casually bring up your murder fantasies to.
“Gyu?”
Jiwon has that confused tone in her voice. God, he tuned her out by accident again. 
“Are you okay? It seems like you’ve been zoning out a lot.” She sounds cautious again. Beomgyu can tell that she’s trying to avoid what might set him off. Did Soobin tell her about you? How he’s just a screaming match waiting to happen?
“To be fair, I’ve had a lot to think about recently.” Beomgyu gives her a look, he knows she’s aware of what he’s referring to. Her awareness is becoming increasingly obvious.
She sits down beside him in the other folding chair backstage. Not dissimilar to when they first met. Even more similar, he notices his members frantically whispering to each other while looking at him.
“Are you still feeling bothered by that?” Jiwon places a hand on his but it doesn’t pull his attention away. Suddenly Kai is casting a fearful look to his right. Beomgyu, already feeling something stirring in his stomach follows his eyeline. 
A pair of black docs accented with black opaque hosiery that almost stop where your red skirt starts. The skirt looks tattered, purposefully so. It’s asymmetrical and overlapped by a black, intricately designed corset top. Your hands that are running through your hair are donned in a red, loosely fitted pair of sheer gloves. Once your arms stop shielding your face and you lift your head, Beomgyu sees your mascara running. His stomach drops.
The stylist scolds you and quickly tries to fix the mess. You don’t react at all, face stone cold. Maybe you just had a bad day, Beomgyu thinks.
It’s cliche, but it never stops shocking you how blinding the stage lights are. They glint sharply, feeling like they’ve sliced your eyes. You shut them, only to quickly open them once you remember people can see you. You force a smile on your face, not caring if it looks like you have a gun to your head. This is all you have left.
The bright light nearly pricks tears back to your eyes but you hold them back just like you hold back the thoughts of the texts your parents sent you this morning. You don’t want to perform today, the last thing you want to do is sing this song that is now ruining relationships. However, now this is truly all you have left. So you flip the switch as soon as the music starts and don’t turn it off until it’s safe to cry again.
You almost melt away on your couch when a knock startles you. You race to the door, thinking it may be your manager. A part of you still expects her to scold you about something she found out. It’s been months but you still fear Beomgyu saying something. A shaking hand pulls open the door.
Myungsoo smirks lazily. Kim Myungsoo. You have to pinch yourself still, despite it being a month now since he first spoke to you. You’re used to people speaking to you first by now. You’d rather they stick around, hang out with you, but that never happens. When he came up and asked you about your song, you were positive you’d probably never see him again. A man you used to have posters of slipping right through your fingers. But then he suddenly stayed put.
“What’re you up to?” He asks before widening his smile. Your heart flutters.
“I was going to take a nap.” You say quietly, very much distracted. Him brushing some of your hair behind your ear doesn’t help.
He waits a beat as he presses his lips into a thin line. “Need help?”
Your heart drums against your rib cage, it almost hurts how much you need it. He’s been teasing you during this exciting yet excruciating month. Hinting that he wants to fuck you but never doing it. You nearly came when he put his hand on your thigh last week.
Now his hand is there again, and it takes every ounce of strength you have to not lift your hips and coax him to where it hurts. He insisted on leaving the television off so you can’t even pretend not to have your full attention on him. 
“C’mere.” He whispers, his voice so warm it melts you. You scoot over and lean your head on his shoulder. You guys stay like that and you’re content– you really are… but it’s becoming increasingly more difficult not to shove his hand down your pants. You don’t know how long it’s been but your body is screaming at you. He should’ve been inside you already, you guys should have been done with your first round actually. Your impatience gets the best of you and you look up at him. He raises his eyebrows questioningly.
“Take a nap. Isn’t that what you said you were doing?”
You laugh dryly, too annoyed to take it back or be mortified at your outward display of your sexual frustration. 
“Is something wrong?” He pouts his lips mockingly. You sit up from him but he pulls you back. 
You let out a strained sigh. “I think I need to be alone to take a nap actually.”
“What, now you’re kicking me out? Did I do something wrong?” His cutesy act is nauseating right now. It pushes you to reveal how you actually feel.
“Aren’t you building us up to be just fuck buddies? Why are you beating around the bush?” You’re desperate, but it’s more than just being horny. At the moment you have no outlet for the overwhelming amounts of anxiety and growing depression. Despite what you had with Beomgyu being… what it was, you remember a wave of serenity after it was all said and done. You bickered as you got your clothes back on but then he left and your body was noticeably less tense. 
“I never said anything about that. You know, you claim you had nothing to do with the song but I’m a little skeptical…” He traces shapes over your bare shoulder and you shrug it off with a scoff before sitting up. The annoyance was building towards being affronted, but you could feel something tingling like a spark crackling inside your stomach. It was back, a feeling you haven’t felt in quite a while. 
“Excuse me?”
“I mean,” Myungsoo shifts toward you, “you’ve been practically begging to be fucked the minute we met. You’re not as subtle as you think.” His faux sympathy melts away once he sees fire glinting in your eyes. He can’t help but smile.
“Shut your fucking mouth.” You spit before mounting his lap and devouring his lips. This is it, there’s no mistaking it. But something’s missing… 
Myungsoo sits there, barely moving his lips against yours. Your hands roam his entire body while his are still by his sides. You pull away, afraid that you were mistaken, but he’s smiling up at you. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand before coaxing you to finish.
“You want it, don’t you?”
And so you strip your shirt off, the fabric pulled away to reveal your eyes blown wide with lust. You capture his lips again and it tastes so sweet. You nearly tremble after finally breaking through that barrier that never seems to leave. You feel powerful for the first time in months as you slide your hands under his shirt. You puff out a frustrated gust of air before sliding off his lap and kneeling before him. You look up at him as you unzip his jeans. He smirks the entire time, lifting his hips to let you slide his jeans and underwear down. He exaggerates the movement of stretching his arms back and resting his hands behind his head. You falter, suddenly self conscious. 
“What’s your deal?”
He answers quickly, somehow knowing exactly what you were referring to. “I dunno… maybe I’m just not feeling it yet.” He sighs, reaching for his flaccid member and stroking it disappointedly. “Look at it, so pitiful.”
You swat his hand away, feeling challenged by his words. You start with his balls, licking in between them before circling your tongue around each one. You glance up at him and his cock twitches. His smirk flickers away briefly to revel pleasure while looking at the determination in your eyes.
You’re just so happy to finally taste someone. The way a cock feels in your hands and on your tongue, so silky and soft. So sinfully beautiful when covered in thick globs of saliva. There is truly nothing like it. But again, there was something missing.
Anywhere you and Myungsoo were together turned into a new spot for you to fuck. You’d give him the eyes which he’d ignore. Then you’d touch him. Kiss him. Whisper in his ear. None of it worked until you were pulling him somewhere secluded. Even when you were at his place or him at yours. It was like pulling teeth. But whatever, foreplay for you and Beomgyu was degrading and threatening each other. This was nothing.
It didn’t stop at foreplay, though. Throughout the entire act he’d be so smug, never reacting to anything. Only small glimpses of pleasure could be caught, but if you blinked you could miss it. You find yourself fighting for his passion. However, it remained one-sided.
–🖊️⇝
Jiwon’s ministrations were soft, almost like they weren’t there. She had a pretty pair of lips but they were like feathers against his.
“Noona…” He whispered, brushing his nose against hers.
“Hm?” She barely pecks his lips. Beomgyu inhales deeply before grabbing the back of Jiwon’s head and deepening the kiss. She makes a muffled noise of surprise but her eyes slowly flutter shut. She melts into the kiss for a few lovely seconds before forcing herself to pull away. She clears her throat before grabbing both of Beomgyu’s hands.
“Let’s take it slow, okay?” Jiwon gives him a pleading look and he only groans inwardly. It’s been a minute, and Jiwon is not a woman you come across too often. And they actually have a relationship he can brag about, someone he could see himself marrying. She’s pristine.
“Why, you didn’t like it?” He smirks and she scoffs.
“I did, but I just think it’s better for us if we don’t rush things.”
Beomgyu tries really hard to hide the cynicism threatening to rear its ugly head. Jiwon was finally not walking on eggshells around him. He thinks long and hard about what he’s going to say and panics when he thinks he’s said the wrong thing.
“Fine. But a deeper kiss won’t kill us.” Beomgyu brushes away his train of thought before smiling. 
It wasn’t long before Beomgyu and Jiwon made it official, only telling people they trusted and not risking visiting each other anywhere but their dorms. Even that takes several days of planning. 
“How does it work? We’ve never been.” Taehyun says, leaning forward in anticipation.
Jiwon takes a moment to swallow her sip of tea and to think. 
“This will be my second survival style show. I think that they’re not dissimilar to being a trainee, honestly. The ferocity of everyone around you is still there. This new one is a little less intense, though. I guess the stakes aren’t as high.” Once she finishes talking she takes another delicate sip of her tea. Beomgyu watches intently, admiring how elegant she is. It’s so effortless for her. She continues her mature conversation with his members but Beomgyu is completely checked out. There’s a lingering sour feeling prodding at him as he watches her. It makes his smile flicker away.
“Right Beomgyu?” Soobin elbows him and Beomgyu is finally broken out of his daze.
All Beomgyu’s plugs slowly enter each outlet. “Huh?”
“You were so social during our trainee days, it was hard for people to hate you.” Soobin says, making everyone chuckle.
“Even when they saw you as competition, no dice.” Yeonjun chimes in. It was fun to reminisce until it wasn’t. He was smiling again and it seemed to immediately go away the longer he thought about it. He’s been told this. That he’s unhateable. He’s too silly, a loveable brat. But you managed.
“He could never do wrong. We make a mistake and it would start a fight. Beomgyu would do the same thing and they would just brush it off.” Kai adds, and everyone laughs again except for Beomgyu who’s stuck staring in space, his water bottle static in his hands.
“That’s so true!” Someone gushes through the laughter. 
“Funny how things change, huh?”
The room goes silent as Beomgyu takes a swig from his bottle.
Jiwon looks panicked before laughing nervously. “What do you mean? I’ve never laughed this much before meeting you, and the girls love when you come over. Not to mention having four members who love you. That’s rare, you know.”  
Soobin claps before pointing at Jiwon. “That’s exactly right!”
“What else could you need?” Jiwon rubs Beomgyu’s back, making him realize that she’s not miles away from him like it feels she is. She’s right. So everything will eventually get better.
–🖊️⇝
 “Let’s go to a karaoke bar next!” Eunchae ugly laughs in excitement, already running ahead with Kazuha chasing behind her. Yunjin loops her arm with Sakura before following the younger members, engaged in a personal conversation. On instinct, Chaewon follows close by, yelling for the younger members to slow down.
The five of them have a warm dynamic that’s so enticing. Their figures growing further, soaked in the various vibrant hues of neon signs. It was like a scene out of films you watch alone on your couch. It’s right there.
Freezing as if something dawned on her, Chaewon swiftly turns around to face you.
“You coming?” She shouts.
“Ugh, she never comes. Let’s just go.” Yunjin whines dismissively. Chaewon looks conflicted as her gaze switches between you both. You stretch your mouth into a thin line. 
“I have to get home. I’ll text you.” 
Chaewon wants to protest but when she looks back at her members, they’re much farther away than she thought. Then when she looks back at you, you’re already gone.
From the corner of the bar, you send texts back and forth. Your head slips off your fist and nearly slams into the table before you stop it. Just an hour before, you were here with a group of people. The memory feels like particles of dust floating through the air that you try to clutch in your fist.
“Are you okay? I think you’ve had enough for the night. Call a cab and go home.” The stern, motherly tone of the owner doesn’t offend you at all. You don’t get to answer before she’s off sweeping the other end of the restaurant. You let your body completely slump over, resting your upper body on the table.
A tsk barely pricks at your foggy brain. “What a mess.” Myungsoo sighs.
“Take me home oppa.” You giggle with your cheek squished against the table. He raises his brow at you and you raise your arms. He groans before picking you up from the table and holding you bridal style. You rest your head against his chest, feeling tired against his warmth. You’re just about to drift off to sleep when he’s placing you into the passenger’s seat. You whine in protest but he’s already shutting the door. The gentle car ride makes your lids heavier until they shut completely.
Myungsoo picking you up again has your eyes slowly lifting open. You watch his face as he carries you. His body heat is intoxicating. You can’t stop your eyes from flickering down at his lips. You don’t want to mount him like you usually do, you feel something deeper. Maybe there was a reason he took so long to let you have him at first. 
He lets you down to unlock his door before taking you by the hand and leading you in. You’re cuddling on his bed, still unable to take your eyes off him. He’s caught you a couple times and all he does is smile. This time his eyes linger on yours before whispering for you to come closer. You’re moving as soon as he says to, connecting your lips to his hungrily. 
He smells and tastes so good. You trace your tongue over his bottom lip before pecking his mouth. He grins, letting out a warm, chesty chuckle.
“I love when you guys get like this.”
You laugh, a little confused. You peck him again. “You guys?”
He caresses the back of your neck before pulling you in for a deeper kiss. Your breath picks up as you climb on top of him, smashing your mouths together. He pulls away and whispers breathily in your ear.
“You have that twinkle in your eye. You need me. All you think of is me.” 
You shudder, grinding down on him. You trail kisses all over his neck as he continues.
“If I were to leave, you’d be devastated.”
The thought makes you whimper, nipping at his neck. He hisses. “Stop it.” You say in a tiny voice. You feel his bulge grow more prominent.
“You’d do anything to please me, make me stay.” He moans through the sentence, bucking up into you. Your heart starts thumping, and the longer this goes on the more you realize it’s not because you’re turned on. You lift from him.
“I said stop.” Your face is hot. It’s right, he’s completely correct. You want to have your hands and lips on him at all times and your heart is constantly clenched by the fear that he doesn’t really care about you.
“What? Should I make you bleed instead?” He laughs.
Your chest constricts, your breath getting caught in your throat. Your lips tremble as you quirk your jaw trying to curb the anger bubbling up. 
“What did you just say?”
“Babe.” He sits up on his forearms. “I’m just trying to rile you up a little bit. I’m just having a little fun.” He looks you up and down, he’s getting harder underneath you.
Right… this is something you’re familiar with. Something that could lead to even a moment of serenity. But it’s never that way with him. His eyes judge you and urge you to satisfy him. He doesn’t even have to say a word and you’re scrambling to make sure he’s pleased. You’re giving your all as he lazily lies beneath you, enjoying the show. Exuding passion with nothing in return is exhausting, that exhaustion finally dawning on you.
“Well I’m not.” You say before swinging your leg back over him. You slide out of his bed and start putting your clothes back on.
“Where are you going? Come on, you don’t actually want to leave.” He barely moves, just shifting a little to the side.
“I just need a little space for the night.” You hurriedly slip into your pants, wanting to leave instead of having this conversation.
“No you don’t. You need company like you need water.” His velvety smooth voice that once coaxed you into giving your all to him is gone. What’s left is harsh yet dismissive.
“You don’t know what I need, Myungsoo.” You shoot back, throwing your shirt on the bed.
“I know, everyone knows. You’re so lonely you walk around everywhere like a lost puppy but run away whenever anyone tries to get to know you. There’s a reason you were texting me and not your friends you were just drinking with. I’m all you have. So don’t be stupid.” 
Just like that, the harsh lines in his face melt away and he’s back to smirking, patting the space beside him in the bed.
Is this what you deserve? They say you shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth. And he’s right. He’s so right, again. Maybe you should just sink into the warmth and turn your brain off. Turn on the switch to perform.
However, as you think, emotions build inside you. It feels like pressure behind your skull threatening to pop. Tears abruptly start gushing down your face as you grab your shirt and rush out of the door. You can’t stop the ugly noises from leaving you as you rush home in the cold night air. 
By the time you’re in your own bed, your face and head hurt from the intensity of your sobs. There are no tears left as you continue to sob. It didn’t work. You were supposed to use him as an opportunity to take away some stress but somehow it’s worse. There’s nothing you can do. You’ll just have to live with this alone. Forever.
CRACK
–🖊️⇝
“I was so close but I didn’t make it.” Jiwon sighs dejectedly. 
“I don’t know what they don’t see in you! I think you’re a great performer.” Kai laments.
“You did a great job.” Beomgyu rubs her hand and she instantly smiles. 
“Thanks. And at the end of the day I still have my group and you guys.” Everyone gushes at her response. 
Beomgyu’s mind wanders to the place it has been going frequently these days. He wonders what you’re doing. What it would be like if you were still friends with the members. If he didn’t make you cry. Would you be smiling as widely as Jiwon is even after failing?
“Look who’s lost in thought again.” Soobin pats Beomgyu’s back but he’s stuck. He’s nestled deep within thoughts of you.
“You know you could talk to us about anything, right?” Jiwon moves her hand to caress his. No. He doesn’t know this. In fact, he knows it’s not true.
“Why do you think she was crying that day?” Beomgyu doesn’t look up but the table goes quiet. The tension is lathered thick over the air. Jiwon laughs nervously.
“Wait, Beomgyu weren’t you just talking about–” Jiwon attempts to change the topic.
“You would think she’d be really happy right now.” He continues. 
“Let’s not talk about this–” Jiwon tries but Beomgyu turns toward her.
“Didn’t you say I could talk to you guys about anything?”
“But Beomgyu… talking about her is only going to make you more upset.” Jiwon lowers her voice, going back to how cautious she was when they first met.
“Do I look upset? You guys are the ones acting like there’s a gun to your heads when she’s brought up.” Beomgyu resumes eating while everyone else is still frozen.
“Gyu. It’s because you should let go of her. It’ll be better for you.” Her hand that was once soothing on his now felt like an owner trying to calm their dog after someone knocked on the door. 
“You don’t know what’s better for me.” Beomgyu grumbles.
Soobin stands abruptly. “Beomgyu, can we talk in the kitchen?”
“Gladly.” Beomgyu immediately follows the taller male out the dining room and down the hall. Before Soobin could start scolding him he had things to get off his chest first.
“Why did you introduce me to her in the first place?”
“She asked to meet you. She was interested.” Soobin expresses annoyedly.
“I’m sure plenty of girls have done that, why did you decide to do so for her.” Beomgyu probes.
“Because I knew her and trusted her.”
“Trusted her to be able to handle a project.” Beomgyu rushes out. And before Soobin can deny anything he’s rushing toward him with a finger pointed at his face. “I don’t need to be fixed.”
Soobin sighs, uneasy about how this conversation may go. 
“You’re not broken, you’re hurt. Everyone gets hurt, Beomgyu. There’s nothing wrong with accepting help. We’re just trying to help you move on-”
“I don’t want to move on! You guys were so fucking anal about how I treated her and now you just pretend she doesn’t exist?” Beomgyu shouts furiously.
Soobin decides it’s better to just rip off the bandaid. There's no changing the truth. 
“She’s gone. It’s been half a year and she’s made no attempt to reach out to any of us. It’s clear that part of our lives is over. Beomgyu, you need to focus on yourself right now. We can get through this together.” Soobin tries to coax a reasonable reaction out of Beomgyu but it doesn’t seem to be working. He’s only getting more worked up.
“Stop. Stop.” Beomgyu shoves his hands into his hair before gritting his teeth. “I’m so sick of everyone shoving me under a telescope. At least she never pried.”
“Are you insinuating that what you guys had was anything remotely healthy? Continuously hanging around someone who you despise that much isn’t good for either of you. I saw the marks all over her body.”
Beomgyu sees red, he’s grabbing Soobin’s collar before he could think it through.
“You shut your fucking mouth. You don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t know her like I do.” Beomgyu shoves him away, his glare hot like lava as he walks out of the room. Heading toward his bedroom he doesn’t see Jiwon on the other side of the doorway. She bites her fist as a tear trickles down her cheek. 
“When’s Beomgyu coming over next?” Mao asks, switching to kneel on the couch toward a stone faced Jiwon. Jiwon takes in a quick breath, checking one last time if this is the right move.
“I don’t think he is.”
Mao and the other girls in the room all make a noise in surprise and crowd around Jiwon on the couch. “What the hell happened?” Haeyoon asked incredulously.
Jiwon lets out a small derisive laugh to pair with a tiny smirk as she drops her head. “He’s hung up over his ex.”
The girls all switch between comforting her and cursing him. 
“Who’s the ex?” Chaerin asks angrily.
Jiwon thinks on it again. Fuck it.
“Do you know that song Strawberry Jam?”
–🖊️⇝
Something is unresolved. That much is clear as you both lay in your own rooms, tear stains on each of your pillows. And as long as it stays unresolved, you both will be unable to be loved. 
You’ve denied four invitations to hang out with Chaewon, and you’re surprised she still asks. This month is a free schedule for you to rest after your song promotions are over.
Beomgyu either plays video games until his eyes are dry or lies in bed scrolling through social media. His members pop in to give him food.
Your stomach twists painfully as you watch tv in bed. The colors dance around blurrily as your eyes start to water again.
A month didn’t feel like a month, but you lost track of your days so it makes sense when your manager comes into your room. 
“What’s that smell? Get up and take a shower. We’re going to go over this month’s schedule.” She shuts the door, trusting that you’ll follow orders. Even she used to be kinder to you. What’s the use of attempting to start relationships when they don’t work out. Even your own parents don’t talk to you anymore. You laugh hoarsely. The laughing grows louder and louder until you’re cackling.
You cackle in the shower as well. Is this what happens after you’ve cried so much tears don’t come out anymore?
Beomgyu regretted chasing away Jiwon the minute he did it. She had a similar hurt expression to you when he yelled at her to get out of his room. Look at how each of his relationships ended. Why the hell would Hyesoo stay with a guy like him. Beomgyu’s lip quivers before he’s crying into his pillow again.
You both carry out what’s scheduled for you numbly, so checked out neither of you can add anything valuable to any conversation. 
“Remember how you signed up to be an MC? Well you got accepted! You can continue submitting songs for your next comeback but this should be your priority for now.” One of the women at the table inform you. Fuck, you did do that, didn’t you.
It turns out it’s pretty easy. Just smile and read your lines. It’s much easier to turn your MC switch on, it seems. You had even gotten comfortable with it. Your co-MC is friendly. Formal, but friendly. Everything was working out.
You lift up your cue card in the silence of your empty room.
“And here’s TXT with their new comeback...” Your enthusiasm wanes when you think about standing in a room with him again.
CRACK
It’ll be fine, just flip the switch.
You can feel that he’s there, everyone can feel the tension. The you that was involved with him is switched off right now. Right now you’re conducting an interview. 
Beomgyu slowly fades to the background as you watch the other members, remembering the good memories you had together. Soobin does most of the talking which makes your chest unwittingly constrict. After this you’ll be all alone again.
The makeup artist finally gets done touching up your makeup and you get a moment to stew. Only a short moment as the other MC approaches. 
“Hey, are you okay?” 
The simple question forces your switch off. The two of you made eye contact at the end of the interview, and for some reason a whirlwind of emotions threatened to escape you. You’re not okay.
“It’s just, I know you have a past with Beomgyu.”
“Yeah–” You look up at him as your brain fog slowly dissipates. “What did you say?”
“I heard that you wrote Strawberry Jam about him and I…”
Everything silently shatters, the pieces remaining all clattering to the floor.
“Look at the back of her neck.” You whip your head around to see two idols whispering before looking shocked and scurrying away. You send a shaky hand to the back of your neck to cover it. Doing so makes your sleeve drop and reveal scratches on your arm. You begin hyperventilating as you scan your surroundings. Multiple people, staff, idols, everybody is whispering and looking at you. You block out the other MC yelling after you as you run out of the room.
Was it Myungsoo? Was he retaliating because you left him? You never mentioned Beomgyu though. No… it could only be one person. Tears stream down your face as you hunt for their dressing room. You pass a mirror on the way and get stuck staring at your void of a face. Only a pair of reddened, crazed eyes stare back. You refocus on your hunt and finally find their door. You swing it open and rush toward Beomgyu in a frenzy.
As you enter, everything around Beomgyu is a blur. The staff looking shocked, Yeonjun and Soobin jumping up to restrain you. And you. Your makeup is completely ruined with a look of utter fury on your face as you cock your hand back before striking him across the face. Time goes back to normal as the staff gasp. Beomgyu places a hand over his stinging flesh. It prickles, burning through his numbness. The initial impact of the slap was like a crack of lightning striking him. He feels a blur of emotions threatening to pour out.
“Why the fuck would you do that?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Yeonjun and Soobin had successfully restrained you but you thrash to get free. You curse and swipe at Beomgyu, yelling incoherently. Beomgyu slowly stands up and approaches you. Taehyun has to join and hold each arm when Beomgyu is in reaching distance.
“Let me go!” You shriek like a raging animal, trying to rip yourself free. You kick at him, your heels striking his shins and sending a piercing bout of pain up his legs.
“What the fuck are you doing?! Get away from her!” Soobin yells.
“Let her go.” Beomgyu yells over the commotion.
“What?! Why would–” Yeonjun starts but Soobin lets go.
“Just do it. Let him have her.” Soobin spits, scowling at the younger male whose eyes are still trained on you. Taehyun and Yeonjun let you go and you immediately slap him again.
“You just couldn’t help trying to ruin my career again? Do you really hate me that much after I gave you what you wanted?” You whisper shakily, your eyes wild as they take him in.
“Beomgyu… what did you do?” Kai’s voice is weak behind him.
Beomgyu takes your arm and pulls you out of the room. You yell for him to let you go and strike his arm. Each hit is like a jolt of clarity for Beomgyu, the pain an afterthought. He pulls you into an empty room where you begin banging your fists against his chest. He stumbles backward, slamming against the door and shutting it. 
He restrains your arms, squeezing them to keep them steady as you thrash again. “Why?! What else do you want?!”
“What did I do, he asked.” Beomgyu laughed. He throws his head against the door and laughs harder. You look on in utter disbelief.
“Is this funny to you?”
“What’s funny is that I didn’t do anything and somehow shit has still hit the fan. My members are questioning me again, you’re fucking hitting me again.” The amusement Beomgyu was expressing earlier is completely gone as he starts his rant.
“You told everyone that my song was about us!” 
“I didn’t!” He shouts back.
“Then who did Beomgyu?!”
“I’m not the only person who knew about us.” Beomgyu yanks you closer by your arms. You finally manage to free your arms and you drive a finger into his chest.
“But you are the only person who has proven to be malicious enough to do something like this.”
“How do you know it’s not one of your friends? You’re all big and famous now, maybe you shouldn’t go around telling anyone your secrets.”
“I don’t have any friends anymore, Beomgyu!” You shout, your voice cracking as a lone tear rolls down your cheek. “Remember? You drove me away from my only friends. I didn’t go “whoring around Enhypen”. I have no one.” The last of the sentence shreds your throat. You run your hands over your face before pointing at him again. “I’m going through enough and you choose to fuck with me. This is all I have Beomgyu!” You pound both your fists against his chest and again you’re moving in slow motion. He can see it in your eyes. In how hard you clench your teeth. He can feel it each time you strike him.
“Why would you do it?” You sob.
“Slap me.”
You gape at him, chest rising and falling violently as you make up for the amount of air you lost. 
Beomgyu is the one getting riled up now. “Do it. Slap me. Fucking do it–”
You strike him hard enough that the corner of his mouth splits. 
“Do it again.”
Your hand is impacting his cheek as soon as his sentence ends. 
“Again.”
You’re both breathing frantically as you slap him again and another time before he can even ask. He grabs your forearm and yanks you closer. “Do it. I know what you want. Fucking ruin me.”
You grab his face and pull his mouth to smash against yours. He lifts you up and you immediately wrap your legs around him. The taste of his tongue, his blood, it lights you up. All your emotions come flooding out as you grip his shirt and tear it apart. Your noses bump harshly against each other as he repositions you against the wall.
You can barely act on your urges with how intense Beomgyu’s actions are. Every ounce of passion you exude is given back to you tenfold. Within moments of letting you down you are both bare for each other.
Beomgyu’s skin being exposed is perfect for your nails dying to sink into it. You reach your arms under his that cage against the wall and slowly rake your fingernails down his back. He winces, letting out small noises of pain. The anger and sadness inside you has hit its peak. You’re so fucking angry, but the pained look on his face hurts.
You want to do something about your anger, but you still retract your hands and sink against the wall. Beomgyu looks at you confused before drawing closer. You shy away from him, whimpering as the bitter truth sets in.
Beomgyu didn’t force you to stop talking to Soobin. Beomgyu didn’t force you to ghost your friends. Beomgyu isn’t the cause of your loneliness. 
It’s you.
He reaches out to touch you but you push him away. His saddened eyes make you ache which in turn makes you more angry. But you can no longer bring yourself to hit him. A surge of rage sends your own hand across your face. The sting is distracting, it’s something. You strike your other cheek harder and Beomgyu stops you before you can do it again. 
“No.” He takes your hand and pulls it near his face. Your eyes follow your hand as it closes in on him. 
“Hit me.”
Your eyes move slowly towards his lips as they form the words, then up to his dark, big eyes. They’re swarming with depth and emotion. You take in his entire face, reddened by your hand. Lips swollen from your mouth. Hair tousled in the chaos. You see him.
You thought tears would be a rare occurrence by now, but there goes another, skitting from your cheekbone to the floor. You smile bitterly.
“I can’t.”
The gleam of your tears brings life to your otherwise tired eyes. He wants to question why, to wallow in self pity with his own delusional reasoning. But no, in your face is all the answers he needs. The same reason he hasn’t hurt you once this entire time. You sigh, letting your head fall, your eyes darkening as they close.
“I don’t know what else to do.” You express weakly.
Seeing you tremble silently makes his previous attempts to pin his resentment on you seem absurd. Beomgyu lets go of your hand.
“I don’t either.”
It’s like clarity washes over the both of you at the same time as you both take in your surroundings. Assess the situation. You shake your head.
“Then what are we doing here?” You brush past him in pursuit of your clothing, pick up each article scattered around the room. 
“It’s just like we said. We don’t know what else to do.” He says behind you.
You slow your collection as you let his words sink in. You’ve exhausted every other option. Therapy, rough sex, songwriting, diaries, crying. Then you feel his warmth behind you. Your eyes ease closed as you melt into him. Your mind goes blank and for the first time in a long time, it’s not out of force or sheer exhaustion. Both of you relax into one another. You’d have to go out eventually, explain yourself and face scrutiny. Risk people’s opinions of you degrading. There’s nothing to worry about here. You’ve already seen the worst of each other. There’s nothing to guard in fear.
You turn around to face him. He looks different. Softer. Unintimidating. He could say the same for you. You climb on top of him, shivering as his member brushes against your mound. Your lips meld together like softening butter. They glide, becoming slick with the other’s saliva. 
He glides his nose up the side of your face as he slips inside you. Both of your mouths hang agape as he slots all the way in. He’s buried deep inside you, no space left unfilled. The two of you substitute kissing for pressing your heads together, feeling every part of the other's skin. You trail your tongue across his jaw before kissing up to his ear. Every sense is filled with Beomgyu to the point where you can’t think of anything else. His makeup, his cologne, his body wash, his deodorant, his lotion, his taste, his touch, him, him, him. Your heart swells as he showers you with as much attention as you give him and then some.
Your hips move in unison, grinding together. Once you kiss again there’s no longer any space in between. Disconnecting sends slighter louder pants and moans into the air as you both start moving faster. You’ve never heard him moan like this. It’s so unrestrained and vulnerable, exposing his eagerness just as much as his hands squeezing your ass does. 
You find you feel full in more ways than one right now. He saw you at your ugliest and he’s still here right now holding you like he never plans to let go. As if reading your thoughts, he clutches you even closer. You feel a light, bubbly laugh float from your chest as your legs start to tingle. You gasp as you climax with a stutter of your hips. Your movements slow ‘til they’ve almost ceased as you drowsily rest your forehead on his. The two of you rock back and forth in the only clean circle of the room amongst the chaos.
A moment of serenity is all the two of you are granted when you hear a knock at the door. Soobin comes in, looking disappointed as he regards you both.
“Are you done? Everyone’s looking for you.”
–🖊️⇝
Beomgyu got an earful for disappearing that day. You could’ve gotten into an ungodly amount of trouble if the other MC didn’t stick up for you. He felt responsible and was beyond apologetic. You forgave him, of course. He did nothing wrong. Also, you've come to terms with the fact that you know you have nothing to do with that song. It's someone else's demo you got paid to perform. It doesn't define you.
“Hey, are you coming?” Chaewon asks. You go to answer but notice a couple of conflicted looks from her members. A quick thought that you “better not annoy them” crosses your mind. You imagine tagging along and making things awkward and it makes you wince.
“No, I-”
“Come on.” Yunjin says dismissively and pulls you by the arm to follow them to their next location. 
You sit stiffly on the couch, clapping along to Eunchae’s loud singing as everyone around you cheers.
She concludes with two bows and a loud ‘thank you’ into the microphone. 
“Go ahead and pick who’s next.” Yunjin yells gleefully. You’re too distracted to realize Yunjin’s hand is hovering over you with her finger extended down.
“Hmm…” Eunchae pretends to think about it for a comically short amount of time before yelling out your name. Your confusion is cut short by a cheering Yunjin and Chaewon pushing you toward the screen. She hands you the mic which you take hesitantly. Once they're seated again they initiate a chant.
“Sing! Sing! Sing! Sing!”
Your brain does the honors of going over all of the embarrassing ways this could play out. Regardless of that, you’re already singing. It’s either that or running out the door, and the latter would take much more effort and explaining. Besides, what’s the worst that could happen?
You finish to cheers and applause and you bow in response.
–🖊️⇝
Things in the dorm have gone back to being tense. Soobin isn’t giving Beomgyu the silent treatment this time, but it’s clear he’s disappointed. Everyone is under the impression that they hooked up again only to go back to hating each other. Mostly because you haven’t come over yet. Beomgyu was giving it some time, but now he’s ready.
“Stop acting weird.” He sighs, rubbing his nose bridge. “I did have sex with her. No, the song isn’t about me. We don’t hate each other. You guys can stop tiptoeing around me now.”
The members visibly untense, but only to express confusion.
“Where is she then?” Soobin speaks up, casting a stern look his way.
“Why does her being here matter?” Beomgyu finally gets to ask.
“Remember when you called me naive for having faith in her?” Soobin grits his teeth. “After all that she’s still-”
You cautiously click open the door, slowly revealing your apologetic expression. “I was going to wait but I didn’t…” You stop when you see the hardened look on Soobin’s face upon seeing you. “H-hello everyone.”
Kai stands up and marches over to give you a crushing hug. The gesture makes your heart flutter.
“You didn’t even call.” He pouts.
“I’m sorry.” You squeeze out. Taehyun and Yeonjun come next. Taehyun gives you a side hug while Yeonjun pats your back.
“Welcome back.” Yeonjun says with a wide smile.
The moment is interrupted by Soobin walking out of the living room into his own and slamming the door. You immediately follow after him, an action that Beomgyu watches carefully. Of course he notices a sharp pain in his chest, but he sits with it. Studies it. You could be chasing after him to reveal your true feelings and this time he may accept. He doesn’t want that. It even makes him a little bitter, but he can’t stop you. He can say whatever ugly words come to his mind to try and scare you away, but this time they may not work. And you’re not doing anything wrong. Him cuddling with you and drifting off to sleep in your bed doesn’t mean you’re dating. Moreover, you’re not Hyesoo. He’s seen every part of you by now. Regardless of everything, he’ll still be happy to have you in his life.
“You have sex with me and then never show your face again? Do you know how that feels?” Soobin explains desperately with tears springing to his eyes. “I knew the sex was meaningless, that was the whole point, but for you to up and leave afterward like I was just some random guy really sucks.”
“I-I didn’t want to leave, Soobin. I was too mortified to show my face again.”
“Because that’s what you guys being together does! You break down each other and then turn to breaking down those around you just trying to help. It’s selfish for you to waltz back in here like everything is back to normal.”
“It’s not.” You state confidently. “Everything is very, very different now. I can’t go into public spaces without being recognized, I have more people around me than ever before, and Beomgyu and I don’t hate each other anymore. You said it yourself, we’re similar and we wreck everything around us. We do it to ourselves. Beomgyu realizes it now and I certainly do. I don’t want things to go back to normal, because that version of me is gone.” The more you speak, the easier the words come. You smile hopefully at Soobin.
“I’m moving on with or without you, but I’d really love it if you entered this new chapter with me.”
You grab both of Soobin’s hands as his head droops. He’s silent for what feels like decades passing you by. Then he squeezes your hands.
Epilogue 🖊️⇝
Chaewon: you should apologize.
You pass the phone to Beomgyu in the midst of his “advice”. He crosses one arm over his chest as he reads the very short text for an inappropriate amount of time.
“But you didn’t know, right?”
“That doesn’t mean I’m not in the wrong.” You groan, snatching your phone back. He snatches it right back and starts texting. 
“Hey!” You go to take your phone back but he leans away further and further until his body is caging the phone against the couch. You climb over him and bite his shoulder but he just laughs as the text is sent. You frantically snatch your phone back and look in horror.
You: tomorrow at my house 6pm;’2[21
“What the fuck! Beomgyu!” You shriek.
“You didn’t know, therefore you didn’t intentionally do anything wrong. But you did hurt Kazuha’s feelings and the members are very mad at you.” He explains calmly, smacking on his food. 
“Thanks for reminding me of my unfortunate situation.” You deadpan.
“You were worried they think you're a horrible person. Boom–” He motions at your phone with his sandwich. “You can fix that. You’re worried you’re actually a horrible person, but you had no intentions of hurting anyone.”
“Yeah but you weren’t there. The way I said it was so insensitive in context and the look on Zuha’s face,” You whimper and hide your face in your hands.
“You didn’t hurt her on purpose.” The finality in Beomgyu’s voice makes you look up at him. His face is serious. “I’m certain of it. Now come here.” He pats his lap and you’re eagerly scooting over to lay your head on his lap. He sighs.
“You idiot.” He brushes away the tear falling down your face. “Why don’t you listen to me?”
“Hurting someone as sweet as her is pure evil.” You whisper.
“I don’t have to know you to say that an evil person wouldn’t be this remorseful. But knowing you, you’re not the type of person to go into an exchange ready to hurt an innocent person. You’re the type of person who sits quietly thinking about what you could say that will make people laugh the loudest and smile the brightest. I’m very sure that’s what you were thinking that day as well.” He voices his thoughts as he strokes your hair, stroking your cheek with his thumb. He looks down to meet your gaze and you feel the singe of a fire starting in your heart. He smiles lazily and it's the cherry on top of the artwork that is his face. 
You slowly lean up before capturing his lips. It’s slow, tender, loaded. Kissing him after all the chaos feels like lying in a field of dandelions, the seed breaking away and dancing in the wind. His skin feels like the warm hug of sunlight. His voice is like birds singing. You pull away and look at him in awe. He seems to be mirroring your feelings if his drunken expression is anything to go by. He shuts his mouth and brushes the back of his hand against your cheek.
“You’re kissing me outside of us having sex?” Beomgyu sports exaggerated shock and presses his palm to your forehead. His antics force a giggle out of you. “Are you sick?!”
You swipe his hand away, unable to ignore the burning light in your chest as you look at him and he silently looks back. You lean in and kiss him one last time before risking it all once you realize what this feeling is.
“I think I love you.” You whisper, looking desperately at his face to catch anything unsavory. His smile drops, looking genuinely shocked this time. He grabs your face and pecks your lips over and over before moving to the other parts of your face until you're stuck in a fit of laughter. He pulls away with adoration in his eyes.
“I loved you first.”
#choi beomgyu smut#beomgyu smut#txt smut#op#op you have no idea how much i lost my mind when you posted this#i have been waiting for this as soon as you mentioned a part 3 and holy shit was it worth the wait#this is arguably my favourite beomgyu fic. it's atleast top 3 for me#i just finished reading it and took a break because it was a lot (in a good way) so please excuse the disjointed thoughts lmao#first of all we love a dark fic#i love how much emphasis and weight you gave to both reader and beomgyu's flaws#and just their worst parts and how they feed into each other but also were the only people who really understand one another#my heart was straight up racing during the party scene the way you paralleled them having sex with different people was so well done#as well as their inner dialogues ugghhhh you did such a great job#reader barely holding it together and feeling desperate for any ounce of affection to help with her crippling loneliness? relatable#maybe too relatable#i forgot the guy's name but the guy op started seeing was so gross#way grosser than beomgyu which is saying something since beomgyu and reader were out here assaulting each other lol#i mentally clapped when she ran out of his place#he made my skin crawl so much fucking ew#the scene of them reconnecting uhggghhhhh so many feelings#it would start with a slap for them wouldn't it lmao#i also think it's interesting juxtapositining them in that scene vs them in the previous parts#because of how much more unravelled reader is vs how much calmer beomgyu comes across#also him choosing not to attack her back#we love growth#despite how messy and fucked up it was lol#reunion sex really does something to me#especially because I'm so invested in this dynamic and couple#also when people realise they're in love with each other?????? sustains me.#thank you so much for not giving up on this series. it really has been a great read and one of my favourites amongst txt fics
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fangirlmedstudentblog · 2 years ago
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A few more hours before we all have the My School President final episode in our hands 😭
Ok so for those of you not on twitter, p'au had a live interview thing where he dropped some very important information about tinngun and tiwpor scenes (atleast it felt like it to me) So brief translated stuff from on there:
A lot of the actions from the classroom tinngun scene were improvised by gemini and fourth. These are:
-the position sitting on desk
-the position tinn bends down a bit to match height
-the hand on shoulder
-the hand rubbing tinn’s head
-the hand holding
-the line ‘how lovely’ when tinn goes to gun’s mom
They’re all improvised.
(You can't see me right now but I'm just a tiny bit devastated right now because WOW)
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Y'all don't know just how i went low-key feral over this scene just ask sarah lol and to learn that it was IMPROVISED 😭😭😭
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Then parts of the scene where Tinn gives Gun that music box also had improvised dialogues!!
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AND LAST but NOT THE LEAST
The ICONIC TIWSON LINE "I WANT TO EAT YOU" was ALSO IMPROVISED
LIKE THE WAY I GASPED
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So, with that I'll be leaving you all with this knowledge to think until we get the episode
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kcalsforhim · 12 days ago
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˖⋆࿐໋ friday 13th of december
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i woke up on time i can recall i even woke up early enough to have time to do a full face of makeup and well, be there on time
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this mornings weigh in made me feel disgusting… but.. it’s ok, i told myself. i got ready and left my house with a pretty outfit that would be more beautiful on somebody skinnier than me ;; i truely disgust myself hahaha
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college went fine, i actually got some good good work done in my first class, i made the entire thing in ice cream colors.. brown pink and soft pastel yellow.
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4 zero sugar energy drinks
my second class also went ok. during my first class i put all 4 of my energy drinks on the table and that made everyone laugh so they put their drinks too which resulted in this photo being taken. peep my mutual putting his thumbs up lol. during my second class i finished a concept of my assignment and i got to starting the lineart of the final project but im still far from done.
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after college i went with my best friend to the store and he got me these hairclips, im very happy with them. he probably knew i was hella triggered watching him spending a lot of money on someone that is not me but i hope that person is happy with what she’s getting.
i went to the store and i bought an onigiri cause i was craving it. when going home i debated if i should walk home after i get out of the train or if i should take the bus since i already had 10 k steps.. but i saw a triggering tiktok so i decided to walk. while walking i felt sickly and tired, i barely felt present all day and this walk more than ever was me just skipping through time in 0 degree weather… but anything for some extra steps.
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dinner / omad : a bowl of pasulj (bean soup), 1 piece of schnitzel, some mayo, burek mom made with idk some vegetable filling. a rice cake with jam. an onigiri
cals : 752
if you care about the soup or schnitzel read yesterdays post. the burek was good, my mom always makes good tasting variations of it. the mayo was to dip my schnitzel in idk. i finally learned how to properly use our new microwave so for the first time in a while all of my food was actually warm. like fr fr.
i let myself have that onigiri cause i walked home. i know i shouldn’t be rewarding myself with food i know it’s gross but give me a break. i wanted to have a kinder bueno but i told myself i could have it the next day if i just fasted for the rest of this one. i finished a litre of pepsi zero to cope lol, it helped.
before bed i read my old story chats about my favourite characters, it gave me comfort when i needed it the most, as i was really hurt by something at the time (still am) and i needed something comforting. i shared some of the dialogue with eli who was keeping me company at the time.
total cals : 752
total steps : 15.2 k
song for today, recently i’ve been feeling more and more shameful about how i look and how i feel, it feels so good to be sick yet i don’t feel sick enough, i feel painfully average even knowing im now the smallest person in my class… i still feel like i could get thinner, dangerously so.. and im nowhere near there. i have a thighgap my ribs show my collarbones show but i just look thin, not sick. it’s driving me up a wall. atleast i’ve been binge free for a while now and i’ve been ignoring my random cravings more and more…
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princesstarfire1234 · 2 months ago
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Are you still into RMA?? If so, which season do you like the best and which season do you think is the most lackluster? For me, I genuinely love Season 1. It got me a few giggles and it has one of the most tragic yet sympathetic villains that I adore. Season 2 for me is sort of... Meh, the first part is decent but I don't like the second part. Especially with the designs, Paru/Taru and Rose are one of my least favorite designs (Paru just looks messy while Rose just looks too plain) But it also brought one of the most strongest designs in the series, and that's Lefnardo!
Hello, ooohh haven't gotten an RMA ask in a while! It's more of a dormant interest these days
I absolutely ADORE S1 as well!! I think it's by far the strongest season. The plot feels well planned and fleshed out and the filler episodes mostly stay for the first half. The more you watch it, the more it actually feels like something is up and the characters are slowly finding out about it. Like, I can guarantee you that once you basically pass the Red Eyed Beast episode, you're basically set and its getting REAL.
Season 2 Part 1 for the most part was... alright to me. It's definitely no season 1 though. Same goes for Part 2 but it felt... infinitely worse? Not the most horrible way the show could've ended up but it just felt very... lackluster from what I've seen. Granted, I haven't gotten to watch the enter part of the season in English unfortunately (there's an existing English dub out there now on YouTube and it's been saved to sources like gdrive but I just haven't gotten the time lmao).
The story is one thing, season 2 could just never be season 1. It lacked the GRIT, idk how to explain it... Like it felt too light? RMA is not by any means a crazy dark show lmao but S1 had this vibe of 'oh! Funny animals playing games whose relationships with each other develop overtime and it's all cool and awesome blah blah blah!' while also being a little fucked up? As soon as the DV7 show up, things get really fuckin real and the latter part of that season remains my fave. S2 had Akong being a little crazy but I felt they never used him to his full potential, y'know? Not to mention the awkward cut off between S1 Part 1 and 2. I still never understood as to why they had two completely different stories conjoined in one season... It made part 1 feel rushed and part 2 just coming outta nowhere.
Small gripe as well, I didn't like how episode 25 of season 2 made us think we were gonna see the DV7 having prominent roles in part 2 (like how I've seen fans yearn for for years lmao) and then they only stay to get beaten up and only Rema gets to do anything substantial lmao. I think the could've acted as guys reintroducing and getting the running men more caught up with whats happening in Tree City. Maybe they've fought the Leo's Valiants multiple times than we thought and they train the RunningMen?? Idk man give my guys atleast SOMETHING lol, they were one of the most interesting aspects of S1 but the show seems adamant on never touching up on them again.
Another thing S1 had over S2, I felt like a lot of the voice acting and dialogue (especially for the English dubs) were... worse in season 2?? Idk what happened, if they got a different voice director or smthn but everyone retains their voice actors afaik, yet they all sound flatter? I'm not sure if this is just me being crazy or if anyone's noticed it too lol.
What I will give to S2 though is the character designs, I get you didn't like Paru or Rose but I thought they fit in pretty well with the rest of the Leo's Valiants (I do think Paru's head is a little too big for her body though and it messes up her proportions a lot lmfao). And the entire style and vibe of Old City (Pullulu place/dimension/whatever it is) is WONDERFUL. I fuck so hard with the vibe of that place, so colorful and fun, but the city sectors are littered with booby traps and are incredibly deadly like THATS COOL!! Also the Guardians (or whatever they were called, Ensemble & Hurricane, Vivache, and the red guy soz I forgot bro's name) were neat and silly! I liked em and the gimmick of giving powers to the team's watches!
- - -
Anyways this is getting a bit long so I'll cut it off here but hopefully this summed up MOST of my thoughts lmao. Might be a bit disorganized and missing a few things I just can't be bothered to think abt rn but ehhhh
I haven't watched Revengers yet (I do have the English dub saved on gdrive tho) but I'm sure I'll get to it one daaayyyyy ahshs
Thank you for the question anon!!
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fanaticsnail · 7 months ago
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It seems I can't rest without bothering you atleast once per night. So....have a song? Perhaps two?
https://youtu.be/FMbdYOyFM-I?si=FOPlAh1r0nUzz98T
https://youtu.be/caoGNx1LF2Q?si=l8iUh7F2--pVbIE7
-guess who lol
Ooooooooh, I love the vibe of O Maahi. It's got that pretty, whispery voice I love so much 🥹👌. Gonna listen to this on repeat while I do some dishes, and likely again tonight while I write some more kisses.
Allow me to bother you in return with some second-hand serotonin. May my idiocy bring you joy.
Dialogue:
Snail: "Ready... Set..."
Bean: "Go!"
Snail: "Go!"
Snail: "Okay... Okay, okay, okay, okay, oh my gosh this is a lot faster than I thought!"
Giggling
Snail: "I got some air-time!"
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stupidrant · 8 months ago
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i'm gonna be honest here, i just want to let it out there that i don't think it's entirely fair to judge thrud so harshly for being a product of her enviroment or her mistakes :( i can also point fingers at atreus for his poor decision making and acting out, but that would be stupid to do because he is after all a 14 year old kid. thrud is approximately same age as atreus and angrboda.
and i just realized just like jotunheim was angrboda's whole life and not being able to meet people her age, that's how it was for thrud while growing up in a toxic asgardian home with weird & down right mean family members. like whatever bullshit she saw and heard, all of it was a norm to her. we might not care, but the truth is that asgard was her entire world. her dad, however broken and unstable, was her entire world and wanted him to be better. and i would have had a problem if both dealt with their problems the same way or they were the same characters who showed grace, i greatly prefer them being on different ends of the spectrums so there's more room to develop their traits and arcs.
from thrud and sif's ending dialogues when they were sitting by the fire - i am sure that this is a kid who is going to shake off the ideology and propaganda they were raised with. she has to. because asgard is gone and she has to face reality in the other realms. and i don't doubt that sif the diplomat is going to keep her in check too!
(i am very sorry for the walls of text in your askbox but i find these discussions so fascinating and healthy, anyways i hope you're having a good day and what song are you listening to these days 💙💙💙 me personally i am in love with cowboy carter these days UGH I LOVE THE SONG TYRANT)
Im sure you know this anon but to anyone who might think otherwise i dont hate thrud so pls dont think that and i dont intend to start anything 😭 i agree she isnt a product of her family and i dont really put anything against her as she's just a kid hence why i think the most likely path she'd go is a self-reflection one rather than a self-deprecating one. Having differences is how atreus became friends with her, angrboda and skjoldr so heres to hoping for her and angie to be atleast acquaintances!
some additional comments about this too: i think the responses to thrud's character isnt completely because of her per-say, but more so because of the "fandom" (outside of here) and how she has a lot of weirdos on her (which isnt her fault either, shes just a character at the end of the day and a lot of those people do too much and it comes off as very disingenuous) and i think as time goes on, more people are gonna see through this and be a little turned off on her which is unfortunate because it should never be that serious and im not gonna let those people override my liking for her, im just pointing out how i see things and how dudebros fuck everything up in their paths. (since the year started i've been listening to more slower tempo songs tbh and i dont have any current favorites atm so imma just say sade - kiss of life for now lol)
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thana-topsy · 2 years ago
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Ok, gosh, sorry to pester but your response got me actually sorta tempted to maybe give writing atleast a small fic a try. So I've got a fair lotta experience with running and playing ttrpgs and I imagine there's *some* skill overlap (Both kinda being in a roundabout way narrative writing, just as a group) and, well, wondering if you have any tips and tricks for fic writing? I know I really struggle with character dialogue when I'm writing both sides of it 😅
YASSS LET'S GO!! Fic writing time!!! (And don't worry, you're not pestering me. If anything you've infected me with Minotaur Brain).
Okay, this is about to get long, so apologies in advance. You've unleashed the beast.
I actually went from playing and running TTRPG to fic-writing because I had more ideas than any single game of DND could possibly contain. I wanted these stories out of my head and I wanted complete control. (Do I have control issues? Maybe~ But only when it comes to impatience. I didn't want to have to wait on people to make story decisions, damn it!) So I can say that, yes, there's absolutely some overlap that'll come in handy!
Ahhh character dialogue. I know a lot of people struggle with that exact mechanic, so you're not alone. Fortunately (or unfortunately) I have the boon of having conversations with myself pretty constantly lol. Dialogue comes very naturally for me, and is one of my favorite things to write. I'd say just pay attention to how you speak to people, how people speak to you, and keep in mind that two people talking are going to have different motivations and interpretations of the conversation. It can feel intimidating, but the #1 thing to prioritize is knowing your characters inside and out. Their responses in dialogue will come naturally if you know their personality well.
As far as external sources, I follow a lot of "On Writing" type channels on YouTube, and I'll link a few of my favorites: Hello Future Me has a whole playlist of writing tips and tricks, but his entire channel is just lovely. For dialogue specifically, I gotta recommend this video, which I've watched plenty. (Also he has videos on The Elder Scrolls!) The Closer Look tends to focus on movies and scripts more than written work, but one of the best ways to get better at writing is to critique all types of storytelling media. (Critique as in look critically at what makes a story successful, not just shit on popular media for fun). Brandon Sanderson is an absolute master of fantasy fiction and has a WEALTH of videos on youtube. His playlist on writing advice is great for bite-sized nuggets of knowledge, but also he has entire college-level lectures available for free on youtube. Shit's amazing.
I also love watching channels, like Cari Can Read, that read and discuss popular books. It's entertaining, and also a good example of what to do, and often what not to do, in a story lmfao.
I've also read many many books on writing techniques. "How Fiction Works" by Oakley Hall is probably my all-time favorite.
I hope this helps you get a good start! But at the end of the day, just write! Technique can come later. Get some words down and see where the story takes you. Worry about the craft later. As they always say, you can't edit a blank page.
Best of luck, my friend, and I look forward to seeing what you come up with. 🙏
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ctrlsht · 1 year ago
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https://www.tumblr.com/piedinthepiper/735078707809632256/you-owe-me
This person has clearly copied your ff fragment of the past. Lots of similarities but didn't bother giving you some credits. Atleast should've put "inspired by ctrlsht ff" what a shameless bitch and she got away with it. no one is seeming to call her out and even if did she's probably ignoring them. This is so wrong
There's also another person who told me the same thing, and I am going to address this concern once again. First, I am not sure if they really copied my work since my work isn't a unique plot. But if they did really "copy" my work without giving any credit, then it's up to them. It won't make me less of a person, but I don't know about them, lol. Second, honestly, I do see similarities with the plot, dialogue, and the plot twist, and I won't be surprised if they did really copy it, but it is what it is.
As for me, I don't really think about it that much if they "copied" it or not because it was already there. I know that it's heartbreaking for a writer when their work is copied, and the plagiarizer gains more recognition, but I don't want to stress myself because there are a lot of important things I have to be concerned about. And if they did really copy it, then that only proves that my works are good enough for them to copy it. lol
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Hey!! People who still visit this blog for any reason ...and bored people! Curious people! People with entirely too much time on their hands! People who like cringe! HEAR YE...
(Plain text: Hey!! People who still visit this blog for any reason...and bored people! Curious people! People with entirely too much time on their hands! People who like cringe! HEAR YE...)
So, um. Basically I'm trying to like, start an OCverse. And you know, if you want to collaborate, and help, and bounce ideas, and have fun because this isn't supposed to be that serious all the time, and stuff, you know, that would be, COOL
It's still just a little sprout, my verse. Actually let me tell you how this started. Well you see I'm in this fandom....and I made a lot of stuff for this fandom.....and now I realised that workload is way, way too much, and I'm FINALLY just keeping it solidly on the side, or atleast trying to. People who've known me for a while will know this fandom is for the 2019 game Smile For Me. People who've known me longer than that while( if I've told them) will know I eventually accumulated all that Stuff into an AU, which I go by calling Roseverse these days.
But, Well! You don't really need to know all that,
Because, you see, this OCverse ( working name is Fading Edge after one of my first Tumblr usernames HA) started out as me OC-fying that AU, but now after a few weeks in incubation it's becoming it's own thing.
And...well....look...I have my friends, but the ones I'm talking to about this right now to try and develop it are, well Busy. So I'm reaching a branch out to you good folks on Tumblr....please, if anyone's interested, help me write!
To let this not turn into a giant ramble ...let me just put down the Qualifications(LOL) that you need to get ON THIS WAGON!;
--Uh, please be tolerant of LGBT/Queer stuff. I know this is Tumblr but one can never be too safe. I'm, like, bi, so if you hate me we can't really make this a good partnership man.
-- Not required but if you're Indian as well, Hi! I am too and most likely the majority of the OCs or atleast the main ones will be so we may have an easier time with that aspect due to our shared background, maybe. The MCs are of Tamil descent if it matters.
-- Also not required but if you have previous knowledge of the game I mentioned AKA Smile For Me or S4M as it is shortened, just the canon is enough, I think we could, with some explaining, work out more on how certain character interpretations or general ideas can translate to original work without being the exact same. If you don't know or care though that's fine we can just talk OC stuff.
-- Read my pinned before you message me or send an ask about this to me! Please I don't want drama.
-- Very likely any writing partnership we form will be longterm because uh. I want to work on this for LIFE. I hope it's not as intense as it sounds, I just need a comfort to fall back on during hard times at the core of it. And...telling a story, my own. You know. And uh....this is for fun so.....hey...we may become friends!! Do you want friends?? I can try to be yours, this is seriously not a professional endeavour.
OK, let's stop the list before THAT drags on too.
I think the last general thing you gotta know is that my writing is by no means a set of structured written stories but instead I prefer it to be a dialogue between me and a friend where I'll send memes, make shitty jokes, good jokes, a lot of jokes really, try for character introspection, connect the dots together and have really satisfying moments when they click, probably get Writing Blocked, have large bouts of anxiety, make lots of art, just fucking. Goof around and get over emotional ( i WILL cry) in general and maybe if the dear sun shines upoun us I will produce writings and such things of varying quality.
So...I think that's it....uhhh..bottom line>
Please if anyone's interested to write with me about my OCverse, send ask or DM-- read pinned first
( Plaintext: Please if anyone's interested to write with me about my OCverse, send ask or DM-- read pinned first)
And the rest of you, who are just passing this by, hey, uh, help a guy out and REBLOG THIS FOR REACH....If You Want To. No pressure!
( Plaintext: And the rest of you, who are just passing this by, hey, uh, help a guy out and REBLOG THIS FOR REACH....If You Want To. No pressure!)
Alternate title: Local Anxiety Sufferer Explains Himself About Fake Little Blorbos Too Much Once Again
Sighhhh...oh yeah and my names Haider.
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foryoutorecall · 1 year ago
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13DEC2023
0716: been awake since 5 something in the morning and couldn’t go back to sleep, figured it might be the time difference but don’t question it anymore. It’s the same anyway; I wake up to my own thoughts and the reality of not hearing from you, missing you, thinking about how you’re doing there and how you sat through this entire Oppenheimer movie with this dialogue overload. Lol. I think I’m getting a bit better with humoring the situation but my December is still empty without you.
“I guess we’re all just simple souls.”
1747: back in the hotel. Was not supposed to go out but was hardpressed by Naila. It was my first time flying with her and she was so nice and hardworking in the flight. She’s Indonesian so with a smiley face so I said yes. We went only for a lot of pics in Hassan Mosque then Le Beret for lunch. Mej napamahal lol but it was an experience. I dont go out here anyway, wary ako sa mga tao. We capped the day with a quick Zara shopping kasi gusto dw nya ng outfit for her next layover. I saw a black blazer and I bought as well, pricey yes, but sale. Happy Holidays to me. Suddenly, eating nice food and spending money for clothing ddnt feel burdensome kasi may namilit and may sinasamahan but I thought of you the whole day. Kamusta ka kaya jan? Anong knkain mo? Are you eating enough? Sonu enjoy the food atleast? Are your company nice too?
Some raw Casablanca pics:
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5quidgirl · 2 years ago
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After reading a bunch of splatoon 2 translations from Japanese (specifically for off the hook) it’s kinda crazy how much their personalities/relationship changed with localization. Obviously I always knew the English vs Japanese dialogue was different but I didn’t realize to what extent *_* its creating a weird divide in my brain for how to characterize them
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getlostsquidward · 2 years ago
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halo bestie i just want to ask for writing advice sgsjgfj i kinda want to start writing fics but ive never done any before and i struggle in finding the right words to articulate my ideas. do you do preliminary research (if that makes sense) or any techniques in writing? i hope it's okay to ask for some tips, i really adore how your writing style <3
First of all, check this. Second, I'm not a good at explaining things and this is pretty long so I hope this makes sense lol ANDDD thank you so much, I have insecurities with my writing style so this means a lot. 🫶
In starting a fic, you want to lay out the storyline in your head. Just imagine how things would flow, like you're watching a movie. Your movie. But don't take too long on imagining things because eventually you will forget it, so write it down, type it in your phone. You never know when ideas will come to you-before you sleep, in the shower, while washing the dishes, sometimes while zoning out the distance, you will eureka moments too and that's crucial. The light bulb moments for me were commonly a plot twist, plot device, or a really good dialogue, and I don't want to not remember it, so if I can, I try to write it down immediately.
I still struggle finding the right words to create the actual story, so in the drafting process, keywords are fine. You can elaborate on them later on.
For example, this is the first draft of glimpse of us. I first write the premise of the story, and how I want to start it off with. (Is it with a dialogue, a flashback, etc.) Usually for me, after that, the flow of the story will sort of come through and ta da I have the plot.
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You have the first draft, but then you think of another one (still in the original premise of the first draft). Originally, this was supposed to be exes to lovers with a happy ending, but then I thought nah exes to ??? angst was better. So basically I had to start over because the exposition I have written doesn't fit in the second draft. I do it all again, change the exposition up to the ending.
I research when I am not familiar with the plot device I am using, specifically for AUs—but I still research even if the story is canon divergent (within the MCU-range of their power, what is it called, some comic backstory if it's relevant), and rewatching the materials is actually a research (for me atleast).
Techniques, I don't think I have them LMAO??? Aside from what I've mentioned above, thesaurus is your best friend. I find inspiration in reading other fics. When there's no words and you get stuck in a story, let it be. Rest your brain. It won't come back overnight, you have to give it time. Don't force it because it feels... idk not right?
If you're really itching to write BUT the creative juice ran out (happens all the time to me lmao), you can ask others to give you inspiration (requests, headcanons). There's bound to be something that will kickstart your inspiration. What else... write what you are comfortable with! Also this might sound hypocritical coming for me because I totally do not follow this, but 500 words are okay. 1000 words are okay. 5000 words are okay. Do not feel the need to write something that reaches or exceeds a certain word count just because you see others write really long pieces. Just let it flow freely.
Best of luck on your writing endeavors bestie!!! I hope this helps. <3
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headoverheelsforramsey · 3 years ago
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Hiiiii! Here are this week's different questions lol
Not Yet Wed Questions
Note: Great Scott! This week, we are going back in time to MC’s intern year. Think of Ethan’s relationship with them at this point and answer the following questions accordingly. It is entirely up to you when in year 1 this takes place (pre/post Miami, pre/post CH 15, etc). Feel free to answer with dialogue or pictures or both :) Have fun!
No worries. All of this is off the record and HR will never know!
The setting for this answers is:
For Both
When I first saw them, I thought__________
What is your coworker's most used swear word?
Quick: What color are their eyes?
Three people at work your coworker hates?
What is your coworker’s strangest or most endearing quirk?
If they had a crush on anyone at work, who would that be?
(Bonus round! Feel free to skip.)
Never have I Ever:
come into work hungover
had a fistfight
been kicked out of a bar
gotten a tattoo
broken someone’s heart
been in love
For MC (Ethan is not there)
Where do you see him in five years (both professionally and in his personal life?)
What do you find the most impressive about him?
Last thing he texted you?
If he asked you out on a date, what would you say?
For Ethan (MC is not there)
Where do you see him in five years (both professionally and in his personal life?)
What specifically do you find attractive about her?
Last thing she texted you?
If she asked you out on a date, how would you respond?
Hello Hello Bree! My weekly dose of sunshine has arrived! 🤗
Sorry this took so long I am literally neck deep in assignments.
Anyways can I just say that these questions were just brilliant!! Book 1 is so close to our hearts and Ethan MC dynamic back in the day was priceless. 😂
Just a fair warning this contains a lot of pinching noses and rolling eyes because that's what book 1 Ethan used to do all the time. So now let the fun begin! 🤩
The setting for this answers is: Post Chap 15, before the ethics trial.
Ethan : Remind me again why I am doing this?
Meera : Because you are unemployed and have a lot of free time, also because I asked nicely? (with puppy eyes)
Ethan (Rolls eyes)
FOR BOTH
When I first saw them, I thought__________
*Both of them wait for each other to answer*
Ethan : You go first, this was your idea.
Meera : Oh boy. Why do I have the feeling you are going to hate me even more after this?
Ethan : I can't hate you more than I did when I first met you.
Meera (expectantly) : So you are saying the hatred for me has declined since then?
Ethan : Just answer the damn question.
Meera : Okay fine. I thought "why is this person being so rude to me? I am still a kid I am still learning. Such an asshole, gotta keep outta his path."
Ethan (looks at her amused) : I thought "ah shit here we go again. A new bunch of nerve wrecking idiotic interns incoming."
Meera (dramatically opens her mouth and places her hands on her chest) : Ouch! Rude!
Ethan (sly grin)
What is your coworker's most used swear word?
Meera : Jesus. Christ. Jesus Christ. He is religious that way. (winks)
Ethan : Very funny Rookie. She on the other hand has an explicit vocabulary in slangs but I think I have heard holy shit, holy cow, holy fuck the most.
Meera (excitedly) : See I am religious too. Also look at us twining in swears.
Quick: What color are their eyes?
Meera (immediately) : Ocean Blue! No, Celestial blue!
Ethan (looks at Meera, surprised)
Meera (suddenly concious) : Blue. Just plain simple blue.
Ethan (thinks for a moment)
Meera (puts a hand over her eyes)
Ethan : What are you doing?
Meera : I won't let you cheat.
Ethan : Cheat? I don't cheat.
Meera : Ofcourse the great Ethan Ramsey doesn't cheat. Then go ahead and ans---
Ethan : Dark brown.
Meera (impressed with him)
Three people at work your coworker hates?
Meera (heaves out a long dramatic sigh) : Ask me whom he doesn't?
Ethan : I tolerate most of them though.
Meera (chuckles) : I think it'll be Dr. Thorne, Dr. Myles and Dr. Hirata. Atleast these are the ones he complains about the most.
Ethan : Hmm. Fair enough. Bose here obviously hates that back stabbing "friend" whose name I'd rather die than learn. And I think Dr. Emery and Dr. Mirani also falls under this list.
Meera : Full point for the first one, but I think Aurora is a good person overall, she has some issues, which we need to work out. And I don't hate Zaid, I just don't like how he is always in a grumpy melancholic mood.
Ethan : Which is very justified of him given that he has to work with the interns the majority of his work hours.
What is your coworker’s strangest or most endearing quirk?
Meera : Easy, pinching the bridge of his nose and rolling his eyes when annoyed, which is all the time by the way.
Ethan : I think adjusting her glasses when it threatens to slip from her nose and forming her lips in a strange way when concentrating.
Bree : I am sorry doctor could you just explain the last part better.
Ethan (rolls his eyes and tries to do his best impression of Meera's pout)
Meera (chuckles) : That's not how it's done, Ethan. This is how it's done (pouts)
Ethan : Yeah same thing.
If they had a crush on anyone at work, who would that be?
Ethan : Crush? What are we? Highschool students? I am not answering that. (prepares to leave)
Meera : I think it might be Dr. Emery.
Ethan (stops short on his way out, turns around and takes a seat again) : Really Rookie? Fine you want to know her crush? It's that scalpel jockey, or that paramedic guy she is so friends with or maybe that other Indian intern roomate she has.
Meera : What! No. They are my friends. What made you think that?
Ethan : What made you think Harper is my crush?
Bree : Okay doctors let's move on to the next round.
Never have I Ever:
come into work hungover
Meera : Nope!
Ethan : Never. We are doctors we might get someone loose their life.
had a fistfight
Meera : Yes.
Ethan (looks at her unbelievingly) : I thought you were the harmless kind.
Meera (smugly) : I am mostly harmless, untill you get on my bad side. What about you?
Ethan : I'll have to say no.
Meera : You punched Nash though.
Ethan : He didn't punch me back, so doesn't count Rookie.
been kicked out of a bar
Meera : Unfortunately yes.
Ethan : Unfortunately yes too.
Meera : What?! The great Ethan Ramsey?
Ethan : Stop calling me that. I am a human afterall and I had some very stupid friends back in med school.
gotten a tattoo
Ethan : No.
Meera : Yes.
Ethan (smirks)
broken someone’s heart
Meera : Not that I know off
Ethan : I am not proud of it but yes.
been in love
Ethan : No.
Meera : Expected. For me it's yes. Maybe it didn't last but I can't say what we had wasn't love.
For Meera (Ethan is not there)
Where do you see him in five years (both professionally and in his personal life?)
He thinks he won't practice medicine anymore because he can't solve Naveen's case but I know he won't be able to resist helping people and ofcourse that is what Naveen always wanted. So, professionally, he is doing wonders. Inspiring thousands of hearts, guiding hundreds of young doctors and saving millions of lives. The diagnostic team has becomes globally recognised. He has written another book or two. Maybe won the Lasker Awards.
Personally, I hope he is happy and not lonely. He needs someone by his side. Someone who can tolerate his sarcasm and critisisim. Someone who will put a smile on his face when he wakes up beside her. Maybe he'll have a family, if that someone is really strong-willed. (let's out a dry laugh)
What do you find the most impressive about him?
His passion for what he does. He just lights up and enrapts the entire room when he speaks about medicine. And I just get lost in the sea of passion in his eyes. Also his stubbornness and unwillingness to give up is really impressive.
Last thing he texted you?
I'll show you wait.
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He ordered about half a dozen books on Medical Law and Ethics for me.
If he asked you out on a date, what would you say?
(stays silent for a long time)
I don't think so he will. Like the chances are really really thin but trust me if he does I wouldn't dare say no. (colour rises to her cheeks)
But yes that's in a different world. A world in which we don't live. (sighs wistfully)
For Ethan (Meera is not there)
Where do you see her in five years (both professionally and in his personal life?)
If she manages to save her lisence she'll be a wonderful doctor. She'll save innumerable lives and be one of the brightest stars in medicine. I am sure she'll secure a spot on the DT and maybe even lead it someday. She'll make me proud. (smiles genuinely)
Personally I hope she'll be with someone who loves her more than anything and that she is with literally anybody else but that scalpel jockey. She'll have a loving caring partner who'll cook her meals when she comes home from a twelve hour shift. She'll have amazing friends especially the ones she has now. They really love her and they didn't think twice before helping her out with Mrs. Martinez's case.
Maybe she'll have a family. A few kids who will also grow up to show a stunning reflection of their mother.
What specifically do you find attractive about her?
Ethan : I can't say attractive but I'll say I like her personality. She has a magnetic one that makes sure to turn heads any time she walks into a room. Also I love that she cares so deeply about people and she is willing to go out of her way to put a smile on these people's face. Like for example Mrs. Martinez.
Bree : So is this "like" or "love"?
Ethan : Did I? Did I just say love? I am so sorry I meant like.
Bree : Could you enlist something physically attractive about her?
Ethan : If I have to. I'd say I love, er... like, like her laughter. It literally brightens the entire room. (blushes)
Last thing she texted you?
"Thank you Ethan"
If she asked you out on a date, how would you respond?
(sighs) I would feel lucky to go on a date with her, but right now in this situation? It's too complicated. I can't jeopardize her career, so it's a no form me, despite my actual feelings.
This was so fun! Thank you once again @jamespotterthefirst
Tagging my usual : @starrystarrytrouble @mm2305 @charisworld @choicesfanaf @potionsprefect @genevievemd  @shanzay44 @little-flowers-on-heaven @schnitzelbutterfingers  @coffeeheartaddict @gryffindordaughterofathena @chemist-ana @adiehardfan @custaroonie @ireneadlerisseggsy @takemyopenheart @natureblooms24 @mainstreetreader @izzyourresidentlawyer @a-crepusculo @quixoticdreamer16 @starryeyedrookie @barbean
Please let me know if you want to be added or removed. And if you want to sit out only the answers to the ask games hit me up too. There won't be any hard feelings. I promise. 💜
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genderfluidnae · 3 years ago
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Turnabout Storyteller (My Thoughts on it)
So, I’ve heard a lot of people saying that “Turnabout Storyteller” from AA6 is the worst case in the entire AA franchise. Which I agree and disagree, and is why I will write my thoughts about it (and also to pass the time because rn im having a school test lol)
1. Why I agree that Turnabout Storyteller is bad as hell.
I partially agree with people saying that SOJ 4th case is bad, because the whole case is a filler and also so Athena got more content (Why can’t she just got her own game, Capcom?). The whole thing felt like the first case on every AA game where there’s the tutorial and stuff and the whole build up of the case is ridiculous. And! There’s no investigation it! That case should’ve existed in her own game rather than on AA6 because she already got her character development in AA5! Throwing it all away just for a filler case just sucks, dude. Moving on to Athena’s actions in the trial. She gives up too quickly and she loses faith in her client way too quickly that she needs Simon to remind her? He’s a prosecutor and yet he knows more that a defense attorney cannot loses their faith in their client’s innocence! Athena just acts like a literal beginner on their first trial which pisses me off (Honestly she acts like Sebastian before he got his character development in AAI2). Now about the whole case, like I said before the whole case is just ridiculous, probably more ridiculous than Turnabout Big Top. Geiru killed her master (I forgot his name) because he gave her late father’s title to Uendo?? That’s a really shaky basis to kill someone and moreover Geiru jumped into too many conclusions. She thought her master wants to humiliate/taunt her by making buckwheat noodles (which she is very allergic to) just because she didn’t get the title. And that’s her whole motive to kill. Ridiculous. Now to the defendant, Bucky Whet. You know most defendants that I met in the whole franchise I really love them all. But him? Bucky Whet? Hell no. His sprites are annoying, especially the vomitting one. His whole dialogue is hard to comprehend, way harder than Gina Lestrade’s dialogue! His character design is also such a turnoff for me, the brown hair, the orange hoodie is so.. bad. Only thing I like about him is his skateboard sprite, that’s all. Now that I get that out of the way, I would like to write about my thoughts why I disagree that Turnabout Storyteller is not the worst case.
2. Why I disagree that Turnabout Storyteller is not that bad of a case.
Next thing is that some things I like about the case and things that made my rating to that case a little bit high. First off, of course, is because of the witness. Uendo Toneido. Finding out that he has DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) was something that I did not expect at all. And honestly? It was actually a great plot twist. And seeing Ace Attorney placing that in their game is actually a nice one, and atleast they handle it way better than Danganronpa. His cross examination is also very fun to be honest. Next thing is, Simon. Haha, I’m totally not biased just because he’s my favorite character, no I’m not /j. But Simon’s appearance is definitely fan-service, for Athena. Which I will not complain. Also, seeing Simon liking Rakugo was definitely a last minute addition. I really can’t imagine someone like him would like Rakugo, atleast in the english version. But some people say in the japanese version him liking Rakugo was expected because of him as a samurai and his japanese dialogue. But in the english version? Noo. Also seeing Simon in the witness stand, testifying was also something I like. He wasn’t forced to testify about something that made him traumatized for life (*cough cough* wright and edgeworth *cough cough*). AND also seeing him messing with Athena was also so funny, I really crave for both of their moments as siblings more, (When is her game, Capcom! When? I need to see more of these two!). The comedy relief is also one of the reasons why I kind of like this case, Nahyuta remembering all of the Rakugo stories there is and telling one of them in an ongoing trial was hilarious, even the judge was sucked into the story. 
Overall rating for this case for me is a 6/10. Not that bad, not too good. That extra point was because of Uendo and that ends my thoughts on this case. Thank you for reading!
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tarotnoob · 4 years ago
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AHHHH I WROTE A BIG PARAGRAPH OF HOW KIND YOU'RE BUT IT ALL GOT DELETED SOMEHOW. Yes mercury retrograde fucking sucks!! First of all thank you so much for investing your precious time on my reading. This moment almost feel like an identity crisis to me and this is a stepping stone for the next step in my life. You have no idea how big of a help you did to me through this reading, as i said bringing all of those unconscious anxiety to light. And as you asked, yes i have a cancer moon (vedic placement cuz i relate to that rather than leo in western ugh-) also being a fire dominant.
- clinging onto an unhealthy idea/perception/way of communicating
— ☆ I think my unhealthy thought was that i might unconsciously hurt any person that comes near me even if they tried a lot to stay by my side. I- told them to leave me alone-
- a deep feeling of betrayal or bitterness toward a mother figure or that figure lying to you in some way
— ☆ Bitterness towards my mom bcz she have fucking anger issues and speaks bullshit infront of me then gets a late realization of how wrong and harsh words she used
- a desire to cut ties with the mother figure or betrayal of your own spiritual self/higher self (basically an event in which you went against your own deep rooted principles)
— ☆ As i said that i want to leave my hometown that clears the cutting ties guess. But yes my undying love for her keeps me tied up. Just like the fox looking upto the moon.
- an unhealthy or blocked way of expressing yourself
— ☆ Yup people gets intimidated by me😭 sorry i am really thriving to become a better person.
- 10 of swords alone is hard to interpret but this could be a literal death. if there was a tragic death at a young age; but also the rod is going through the steer/bison’s eye and the other cards indicate “hidden” things too, so there’s something unseen. you mentioned your mom being a single parent so, i will venture to guess that the thing that wasn’t seen was a father growing up (yet there are no specific cards that represent a father figure here) so it MIGHT be that you aren’t aware how much that has affected you 
— ☆ Now that you've mentioned it, i did actually thought about how much it has affected me and how lonely i felt. There's also angst and greed mentioned in this reading, my dad is alive, healthy and happy. And the greed might be overpowering him in some way like through my career.
Sums up pretty accurately!! This feels like a moment I'll remember when i grow up lol😭. This might sound cheezy but you feel like an angel or a guide or even a fucking therapist! to bring my thoughts and emotions back on track.
And thank you so much for sharing your experience with me it somehow gave me courage and hope! I'll stay strong and walk past all these obstacles, atleast thats what i wish for.
Also look!! My friend wrote a poem partially influenced by the situation in my life...I WILL FUCKING CRY AAAAA
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Wtf Merc retrograde! I have had so many tech issues the last few weeks.
You're welcome. I know it's weird but I actually care and stuff and I feel like a tarot reading can be like therapy so it's weird to just cut ties with a person if it feels like there's unfinished business. Like I can't give you deep personal information about a situation and then be like peace out. Until we have some kind of dialogue and closure.
I feel like you know what you have to do and I hope you do what you want and don't let anyone shackle you out of guilt or intimidation. It can be hard to leave a parent behind without feeling guilty.
The title of that poem could be servant lol It sounds like that.
You're young so there's plenty of time to figure out how to work on things like alignment and growth. Honestly we never stop working on ourselves but I think if you follow after what you want, that's the right path and you can always message me if you encounter any snags or need to vent.
Just keep going!
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