#lopez is mvp tho for real

[clocks-are-round]

Pet Care PSA

Disclaimer: the Red vs Blue PSAs are known for their lack of tact, misinformation, and ridiculous bad advice. This is a comedic piece; do your research in the proper places. With that in mind, enjoy!

——

Simmons: I’m Dick Simmons from popular webseries Red vs Blue.

Grif: And I’m Dexter Grif, questioning why we don’t just use a clip from one of the billion other times we’ve introduced ourselves.

Simmons: Today we’re here to talk about pet care.

Grif: *turns to Simmons* But we don’t have any pets.

Donut: *offscreen, salty* I had one.

*Grif and Simmons turn and camera pans over to Donut*

Donut: Maybe if we did this PSA years ago I’d still have a cat!

Grif: What, did you forget to feed it or something?

Donut: *emotional, walks off* I still don’t forgive you for that!

*camera returns to Grif and Simmons*

Grif: After trying and failing multiple times to keep fish alive, I don’t understand the appeal.

Simmons: As someone who wasn’t allowed pets as a child, I can cite that old wishful thinking for reasons to want a pet.

Grif: *mildly sarcastic* Do tell.

Simmons: An animal is dependent on you to stay alive! While that can be intimidating, it can also make you feel important.

Grif: Like being a parent, except without the backtalk and they never move out.

Simmons: Pet care is also a lot easier than childcare. They don’t hog the bathrooms and you just need to give them food and water everyday. Not sure how much food? Just pour it in and they’ll eat until they’re full.

Grif: Someone shoulda told my fish that.

Simmons: And pets, being unable to talk, are great listeners!

Grif: Which is great if you like to drone on about shit no one cares about; like Simmons here!

Simmons: Many people love having an animal companion to feel needed and loved when the rest of the world shuns your pathetic existence!

*beat*

Grif: *low voice* Hey, man, you good?

Simmons: *surprised* Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just saying. Like, as a bit. I’m not saying I-- I mean I used to think that. But everything’s good with us. We’re good. I’m good.

Grif: You sure?

Simmons: *appreciative* Yeah.

Lopez: [Get a room, you two]

Grif: Yeah, maybe cut that part.

Lopez: [Grimmons is one of the fandom’s favorite things. We profited off of your slow burn, now we’ll profit off of your marriage. Don’t tell me how to do my job.]

Grif: *embarrassed* Fuck. He says he won’t cut it.

Simmons: *embarrassed, quickly* No more asides! So, pets!

Grif: Pets! They make anyone feel smarter by comparison.

Caboose: *calling out* Benadill Cumbersnack!

Simmons: Of course, there are the other reasons for people that doesn’t apply to.

Caboose: Benjamin Thundercart!

*camera shows Caboose and Wash*

Wash: Are you sure he’s still around? Tucker said he hasn’t seen him in weeks.

Caboose: Oh yeah, he’s around here somewhere. He likes to go for long walks. My dad used to do the same thing. Sometimes he’d go to get milk and didn’t come back until morning! My mom wasn’t super happy about that.

Wash: You’ve said your dad is… passed now, right?

Caboose: Yes, he’s in the past. Also he is dead. *beat passes* Oh nO! Benbinin Cunthnerstash! Don’t be dead!

Wash: *quickly* I wasn’t trying to imply that!

*back to Grif and Simmons. Wash and Caboose are in the distance. Doc is walking away from them.*

Grif: Oh, right. The chinchilla.

Simmons: *calls out* Hey, Caboose! We’re doing a thing on pets.

Caboose: Hey, I have one of those!

*Caboose runs over to them, Wash following*

Caboose: *facing camera* If you have seen Bourbonman Cumberpatch, please call the number at the bottom of the screen.

*there is no number at the bottom of the screen. There is however text that says “I don’t get paid enough to take calls.”*

Simmons: Wash here has had multiple pets in his lifetime.

Wash: Oh, I’ve told you about the cats I had? Have I told you about Loki?

Grif: Yes. You have.

Simmons: Wash, as a former pet owner, what would you say is most important about pet care?

Wash: I would say—

Caboose: Lots of cute outfits! And also hugs!

Wash: Caboose, could you not—

Caboose: And also—!

Wash: Jesus christ.

Caboose: What? *confused* Benedict Cumberbatch doesn’t need Jesus.

Grif: I think my sister has that on a t-shirt.

Caboose: Unless that’s what he chooses. I have told him he is free to explore any religion. Except the door to door one.

Simmons: Door to door? You mean— What is that? Mormons?

*Wash walks off, exuding so much doneness with that expressionless helmet and halo walk cycle*

Grif: Fuck if I know. I never answer the door unless I ordered pizza.

Caboose: I am so tired of expecting cookies! And not getting them! If you knock, you need to be a friend, a family, or a girl scout!

Simmons: This conversation is only going to derail more. Caboose, thank you for your time, please leave.

Grif: Yeah, go find your chinchilla.

Caboose: Um, actually, it is called a chimichanga.

Grif: Believe me, if you were looking for a chimichanga, I’d join the search.

*cut to next scene*

Grif: Pets aren’t just high maintenance, they’re also expensive. Not only do you need to get them food, you also need to get them STUFF.

*Kai walks on screen at a slight distance*

Simmons: It’s important to make sure you have the necessary supplies. For example, you might need a leash and collar.

*Kai runs up to them*

Kai: Oh, do you guys need a collar? I’ve got an extra you can have.

Simmons: Oh, you have a dog?

Kai: *like this is a ridiculous suggestion* No.

Simmons: *confused* Oh. *realization* Oh!

Grif: Why the hell do you have a collar?

Kai: Ok, so some people really—

Grif: No, I know what you use it for, but why do you have one here? Are you fucking someone in this canyon?

Kai: What are you, my fbi agent? You gonna keep tabs on my life? I’m a grown-ass adult; I can fuck who I want! *beat* Consensually!

Simmons: Are you fucking someone in the canyon though? You don’t have to say who but-.

Kai: Are you kidding? Over half the canyon is ace or not into chicks. IF I did hook up with anyone it’d be way too easy to narrow down. But I mean if Dex is willing to share, and you’re interested—

Grif: I’m gonna stop you right there. Don’t hit on my husband. We’re not in an open relationship.

Kai: UM- He can speak for himself, Dex.

Simmons: Yeah, no, Kai. What Grif said.

Kai: Eh, worth a shot. Do you want my extra collar though?

Grif: No, Kai, we don’t want a collar.

Simmons: I mean—

Grif: Wh— Really? Ok, well, we can buy our own. Otherwise I’m gonna think of my sister every time I see it, so hard pass on hers.

Kai: So why were you talking about collars? *turns to look at camera* And why does Lopez have a camera?

Simmons: We’re doing a PSA on pet care.

Grif: God. Are we almost done with this thing? We’ve got enough footage right?

Lopez: [Yes. We have enough idiocy for a video.]

Grif: Great. I’m gonna go nap. I have a headache from all the bullshit.

*Grif walks off towards red base*

Simmons: *to Kai* Did Caboose find his chinchilla?

Kai: Nah, I think he gave up. I saw him coloring in blue base.

*Simmons and Kai walk offscreen towards blue base, voices fading*

Lopez: *turns camera to face himself* [Pets, like all living beings, are stupid. They have short attention spans and often put themselves in dangerous situations. Ask yourself if you’re really willing to put in the effort of looking after them.]

*camera turns to show many of the reds and blues milling about at a distance*

Lopez: [Pets vary in personality. Some will love you unconditionally. Some will view you like their offspring. Some are lazy. Some are obnoxious. Some look down on you. Etcetera etcetera…]

*camera turns back to Lopez*

Lopez: [Despite the hardships, pet ownership can be very rewarding. They offer companionship and entertainment in exchange for you thanklessly doing everything for them. They may not understand you, but they trust you. Don’t abuse that trust.]

*end*

———

Behind the scenes notes because why not:

The Wash and Caboose scene was filmed by Doc who was out vlogging. He forgot to set his helmet output back to speaker so neither heard him say anything the whole conversation. Lopez confiscated the footage for the greater good of exciting the fandom with backstory.

Wash continued searching for the chinchilla until he forgot what he was doing and returned to the others.

None of them actually watch the PSAs once they’re done except Donut (just the ones he’s in). So Lopez wasn’t called out for comparing them all to pets. Although, he’s already established that Wash is like a chihuahua.

———

I have learned that it is impossible for me to write a tonally accurate PSA, but you know what? I can live with that. Mine may be a bit softer than the officials and lack the characteristic non-stop horrible advice, but I enjoy writing them and it seems like people enjoy reading them.

Want to toss a couple bucks my way? Here’s my ko-fi