#looking back I think the problem is that I should’ve been doing a more film hands on major :/

[spideyhexx]

the scholarly articles are so real because why are some like actual fucking riddles to read? if i have to read more than one in a day, i die a little inside

I struggled even in my lit classes with some of the readings😭

[catghoul31]

so why did vanessa and wade’s relationship fall apart?

so i’ve been thinking on this for a bit, and after watching the first two deadpool movies i 100% understand why some fans are confused by this development. they were so perfect for each other!! what could’ve possibly happened?

i don’t necessarily think their compatibility changed at all, but what i DO know is that trauma can get in the way of even the strongest relationships, and dear GOD has wade been through it… but clearly, him getting turned into a lump of cancer wasn’t enough to drive vanessa away or turn their relationship sour, otherwise they wouldn’t have been ready to start a family by the second film!!

personally, i think the point of no return was when vanessa died. oh, wade would have SO much guilt over this, it doesn’t matter how many people tell him it wasn’t his fault- he should’ve checked to see if he was followed. in his eyes, it was his impulsivity and carelessness inherent to him that got vanessa killed. the moment he gives her a second chance at life, he swears he’ll never let that happen again. so what does he do?

he stops being deadpool. but more than that- he stops being wade. he tries desperately to live the life of a normal human being, one who doesn’t kill for a living, even though he can barely comprehend what that’s even supposed to look like. in the wake of all this, he tries suppressing every aspect of himself that makes people look at him funny- can’t get a job if you’re a horribly scarred bald man making sex jokes all the time, right- and this eventually bleeds into his and vanessa’s personal life.

vanessa fell in love with wade. head over heels in love for everything that made him wade- everything he was desperately trying to shove down. he never gave her any explanations for the changes he suddenly made, that emotional repression habit he’d formed post-mutation rearing its ugly head every time she’d ask, but no matter how hard she pressed- begged wade to let her help- she’d get nothing. she was losing touch with the love of her life, and it was breaking her heart.

after a few too many arguments, it occurs to wade that there was something wrong in his relationship, that something being him. but obviously it had nothing to do with getting rid of all the nastiness within him (aka everything that made wade the person he was), right? he just had to find something to do to give their relationship that spark again! you can see where this is going- he tries and fails to join the avengers, and either way, it doesn’t help anything.

when vanessa finally ends things (as gently as she can, with a “for now” implied in seemingly every word), wade knows he’s to blame, but is still consumed by too much self-hatred and guilt to identify the actual problem. he wanted to be someone else- anyone else- and still chases this goal for six years on end, all the while vanessa is watching from the sidelines, hoping in vain that the wade she knows will eventually come back.

it was never about wade “not having a higher purpose.” when she tells him that he “never came back,” she’s not talking about the fucking avengers, for christ’s sake, but every day that she’s had to spend seeing wade decay from the inside since that one burglary incident so long ago. she can’t understand what it did to wade, since he won’t talk to her!!

she had to end it, because she finally realized that this wasn’t something wade was letting her help him with. they couldn’t get through this together, like they eventually did with his cancer and mutation, and above all, she couldn’t help him. vanessa and the fate she could’ve been subject to was the source of wade’s spiral, so she had to remove herself. but she would never stop caring.

this is why she’s just so happy when wade comes back with logan- because finally, there’s that spark in his eyes again. he doesn’t seem like he’s pretending to be someone else anymore, even in the quieter moments of his life. vanessa knows then that it was always worth it to stick around in his life, even during that dark chapter of it- because behind everything, there was her wade. maybe they wouldn’t get their fairytale ending, and maybe it wasn’t in the same way as it had been for so many years, but she still loved wade so much. and words can’t describe how relieved she was that the wade she knew was back.

and she’d totally be down for a polycule/threesome with wade and logan if they were

[blackenedsnow]

HIIII i think request are open anyway uhhh may i request postal dudes with a prawn star (cannot spell the correct way because tumblr with MASSACRE me) partner please:33 (doesn’t have to be nsfw if want, i just have a self insert that is,, yeah and there’s NOTHING anywhere) have a good day :33

the dude's with a p0rnstar! s/o ; headcanons

WARNING: None

PAIRING: Postal (1) Dude x Reader, Postal (2) Dude x Reader, Postal (3) Dude x Reader, Postal (4) Dude x Reader, Postal (BD) Dude x Reader, Postal (Movie) Dude x Reader

NOTE: Have an amazing day, and thank you for stopping by with this gem of a request! Take care of yourself <333

P1 DUDE

When he first finds out about your profession, he’s suspicious.

He doesn’t trust anyone, and the thought of others looking at you like that makes him spiral a bit.

Despite his paranoia, he doesn’t shame you for it.

Deep down, he respects that you’re doing your thing and earning a living in a way he probably never could.

Obsessive? Oh, absolutely.

He watches your work like a hawk, not for enjoyment but to monitor comments, interactions, and anything that might seem like a “threat.”

He becomes weirdly protective of you in public.

If someone even hints at recognizing you, he gets very tense.

You’ll have to remind him to relax before he scares someone off.

That said, he adores you in his own unhinged way.

Sometimes he’ll talk about running off to some remote cabin with you where “no one can find us.”

It’s endearing in a slightly alarming way.

P2 DUDE

His reaction?

A shrug... and a smirk.

“Well, I guess somebody’s gotta do it, right?”

He’s supportive but snarky as hell.

Expect constant things like, “So, when’s my big debut?”

He’s surprisingly laid-back about your profession.

In his mind, people are gonna do what they want, so why stress?

Pretty much just brags about dating you.

“Yeah, my partner? You’ve probably seen their work. Pretty hot, right?” Cue his smug grin.

If anyone gives you trouble, though, he flips like a switch.

He’s not above shoving someone into a trash can if they step out of line.

He loves you for who you are, but definitely also for what you do, and makes sure you know that.

P3 DUDE

At first, he teases you endlessly.

“Wow, dating a star? I must be living the dream, huh?”

He makes everything into a joke.

If you’re filming, he’s in the background making faces or trying to photobomb just to mess with you.

Secretly, though, he’s impressed.

He thinks it’s cool that you’ve got this level of confidence and independence.

He’ll egg people on if they recognize you in public, just to see their reactions, but if anyone crosses a line, he’s quick to shut it down.

“Babe, what do I gotta do to get a cameo? I could totally pull off the clueless plumber trope.”

As much as he jokes, he respects you deeply and has your back no matter what.

P4 DUDE

Honestly? He’s a little shocked at first.

“Wait, you do what for a living?”

But he’s completely supportive.

He LOVES your job. More than you.

He’s so sweet and genuine that you can’t help but love him for it.

If anyone says anything negative about you, he’s baffled.

“What’s their problem? You’re just doing your thing!”

Will shoot them down after and throw dog shit at their house

He brings you little gifts after your shoots—flowers, snacks, or random knickknacks he thought you’d like.

"Figured you might need a pick-me-up after a long day!”

BD DUDE

FUCK YEAH

Anyway , that said, he’s got a dry sense of humor about it.

“Guess I should’ve been one too. Maybe I wouldn’t have to deal with this shit.”

He’s deeply protective in a subtle way.

He won’t make a scene, but if anyone disrespects you, they’ll regret it.

He knows how to handle himself without making a fuss.

“You’re tougher than most people I know. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

Despite his rough edges, he’s incredibly loyal and makes sure you know you’re loved.

MOVIE DUDE

His initial reaction is pure excitement.

He’s surprisingly wholesome about it.

He supports you completely and is thrilled to see you doing what you love.

That said, he has his shady moments.

If someone tries to mess with you, he’s way too good at finding out things about them.

“Oh, they don’t like you? Funny, I found their Facebook… wanna see their embarrassing prom photos?”

He’s oddly charming in public.

If someone recognizes you, he turns it into a lighthearted conversation, but... it does have some darkness behind it.

But! Behind closed doors, he’s your biggest cheerleader!

“You’re amazing, you know that? Like, seriously, how did I get so lucky?”

[blueikeproductions]

So with TFONE attempting to simplify the Primes and some recent cartoons trying to theme some shows around them, it has led to a thought how this could work.

The biggest problem the Primes have is that nobody really knows or cares that much about them. The only one most actually care about is The Fallen because of the Bay film. Vector Prime via Galaxy Force is fondly remembered by TF fans, but that version also predates the modern Prime mythology.

Transformers Prime was intended to look more into what it means to be a Prime, but never truly does so. It also introduced the modern 13 Prime lore, but also does very little with it. It’s mostly limited to Solus’ Forge being a reoccurring weapon, Megatron grafting a Prime arm on to him, with creatives unable to decide who it’s supposed to be, and Alpha Trion making a cameo (more so to reference G1 than do much with the Primes).

RiD15 also uses the Primes, with Micronus (the main rep and Optimus’ life coach) and The Fallen (the first season’s main villain) as the stand out ones. Despite Micronus being the first Mini-Con, he has no influence on the cartoon’s Mini-Con gimmick it adapted later in its run. Liege Maximo appeared in chapter books and is the only (not Fallen) one who got to properly do something. I still greatly insist Onyx Prime should’ve been the rep due to the Beast theme instead. Also Thundertron, but that’s a different problem.

Cyberverse used Alchemist Prime specifically, but while being one of the better characters, he’s not very memorable. Onyx and Alpha Trion have minor roles, with Alpha Trion getting a toy… that nobody bought. He was also there for G1 ‘memberberries, in a role similar to the old cartoon. The Cyberverse staff were not shy admitting to only writing the show for themselves and like minded fans and not actual children.

And now EarthSpark uses Quintus in a major role… but it feels like there’s some conflicting ideas about who he is. Storyboards suggest he’s more benevolent having everyone’s best interests in mind, while the show keeps insisting he might be shady and a dead beat dad.

And like the aforementioned Onyx, the series isn’t great about using Primes better themed to a show. Combiner Wars opts to NOT use Nexus Prime, when instead perhaps they could’ve made him into the evil leader of the Combiners, forcing them to wipe out non Combiners so Cybertron is theirs to rule. Vs the show just having them fight… because reasons. He also never got a toy in the Combiner themed line. This could’ve also been tinkered with once more in RiD15 for its Combiner Force, casting him as a neutral who gifts power of combination to the Bee Team and the Pack, seeing who’s more worthy to use the Enigma for an upcoming problem involving an ancient Combiner unique to the show. (Also having Chop Shop as a minor villain again.)

I think the problem is largely NOT letting the other Primes being proper characters. Vector Prime and The Fallen are allowed to be characters, with Vector allowed to be part of the Autobots, make bonds with them and the kids, and have a little arc of his own, remembering the value of life throughout time.

I think if we went back to that, having a surviving Prime join the Autobots and find their footing in the modern era on Earth during the battle against the Decepticons would help.

It’s actually kind of shocking in the current “DEI” era that they don’t have Solus Prime in such a role, working alongside Optimus. The downside to this is current writers would probably make her into a more arrogant Captain Marvel type, but ideally Solus should be cast in a role similar to Vector in Galaxy Force. I feel like it’d be funny if she especially bonded with the kids, a loving but firm grandma, who drives them around, with the gag being the kids are ferried around in a big purple construction vehicle. Solus is also happy to fix things with a gentle tap of her Fixit Felix hammer, usually the kids’ phones, but an episode sees some repercussions, where the phones and other gadgets start Transforming into semi sentient-semi automatic weapons.

Think the Appliance Bots from ROTF.

Amalgamous is really the only one that’s too abstract to use as he is. I feel like the trick is to create an in-story reason why he can’t infinitely Transform, limiting him to being a Six Changer like Sixshot. This way the writers and artists can be more creative, and have a character arc where Amalgamous learns to be one of the Autobots with a running gag he forgets he can’t change into whatever he wants anymore and turns into a car or dinosaur that isn’t appropriate to the situation.

Liege is easy enough. He’s the Sideways trying to nudge the Autobots, Decepticons and humans into doing what he wants for nefarious reasons.

I feel like Prima would be a hybrid of TFA Ratchet & TFA Ultra Magnus, a cranky foxy grandpa that means well and tries to guide Optimus and the kids, but he’s quite literally an overbearing helicopter parent trying to dictate what Optimus should be doing. While still powerful in his own right, Prima does get overwhelmed by Megatron’s sheer rage.

The 13th Prime is up in the air. It could be Zeta, Rodimus, Adaptus, Mortilus or a brand new Prime for the scenario. I got nothing.

I am a bit concerned about Vector. He was already used effectively, but his schtick is time travel and manipulation, and to move the story of TFONE along that didn’t help him against Quints or Sentinel. Can you even use time travel effectively anymore? Maybe if Vector was more in line with Time Patrol Bon, not that anyone watched the Netflix reboot of it.

[oswildin]

I don’t know how I feel when people say they ‘want the old Loki back’…

Whilst I get it, trust me, Dark World Loki made my knees weak, but I think the version we have now is so much better… Ragnarok Loki quickly became my favourite for the pure fact that he finally began to accept himself, he was willing to sacrifice himself to save Thor, because there ain’t no way my man picked up that dagger and didn’t know he was gonna die I—

TVA Loki is more grounded. He was shown that his whole desire for a throne was ultimately meaningless (I mean in the grand scheme and tbh he never really wanted it in the first place, just wanted to be Thors equal). Even when Miss Minutes and He Who Remains tries to tempt him into getting his throne, sure he falters for a moment, but he knows that isn’t his purpose now. He is actively trying to not do what led to his mothers death. Be bitter and callous (or at least portray that that’s who he is when we all know he’s always had a heart and is emotional).

Sure, i get it, you want intimidating Loki, powerful Loki, threatening Loki… But episode two showed he can still be those things, except now with more restraint. And I actually think it makes him more intimidating that he was so ‘goofy’ and casual in how he spoke to Brad during the interrogation scenes. His calmer demeanour instead of blind rage is scary.

Loki has a duality that many characters don’t. He can be the tough intimidating guy, he can be the emotional guy, he can be the problem solver and the problem maker, he can be a good friend and a bad one… He’s so multifaceted and I think only wanting the ‘villainous’ side of him diminishes his character slightly.

I related to Loki in Thor 1 because to me he was someone who was lost, confused and hurt, lashing out like… well, like a child. And we now know that that role had been thrusted upon him due to his supposed ‘path on the sacred timeline’, that he was ‘made to cause others pain’. But he’s learning that it doesn’t have to be that way, that he can simply be himself without the hardened armour, the mask of a villain. It was always clear he didn’t enjoy hurting people. The fact he cried when he was fighting Thor, he cried when his mother died, even when his father died he was upset (despite me thinking odin didn’t deserve it but anyways…)

And everyone likes to reference the scene where Loki is taking that man’s eyeball in the Avengers, but if the theory is correct he was under the influence of the mind stone, then it was most likely amplifying his darker thoughts and emotions, hence the smile. He finally felt like he held the power, he had the upper hand. It wasn’t about the torture he was inflicting, it was about how people finally were viewing him as someone to take seriously, be afraid of. (Plus I really doubt at that point marvel even had in mind how his character would progress considering I don’t think any of them expected Loki to become a beloved character, hence why I take that scene with a pinch of salt).

People also say ‘how did he go from this to this’ or ‘this the same Loki that did this’, like… People can be multifaceted… They can have different sides to themselves… I think if deleted scenes with Loki weren’t cut, it wouldn’t feel that way so much to some people. For example the deleted Thor and Loki scene from Thor 1 where he turns the wine into snakes, showing his childish like mischief, him telling Thor he loved him despite his own jealousy. That one little scene would’ve added more depth to his character (in that film), and the scene with his mother where he gets given the throne? Ugh, should’ve been kept in because it showed his shock at being given that power. And also, his plan - whilst yes, bad and misguided - was all about trying to prove himself, and protect his family in the process from the ‘monsters’ that he saw himself as, almost to be like ‘see I’m not like them, look-‘.. I—

I want to see Loki feel accepted, banter with Mobius, eating pie even though it’s too sweet, embracing his powers and magic for good (and mischief ofc), be honest and talking about his past/emotions, beginning to realise that he can be whoever he wants. He doesn’t have to fit in a box, not a villain or a hero, but someone who is flawed and is trying his best.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

[lumax-mayclair]

Watched the the new Zoey 101 movie (guilty) and I thought it was fine. I really think if they wrote a couple things a little differently it would’ve been better:

Like Quinn being overwhelmed by the wedding preparation because she’s never thought about having a big wedding but ofc Logan has, that all makes sense and I hear what she’s saying but I don’t really see what she’s saying. In terms of storytelling and film making, I feel like they should’ve dramatisized everything more. Like the life sized cakes was the only thing that seemed over the top and I can see how that’s a little much but nowhere else did it seem like Logan was making more of a “spectacle than making it meaningful”.

They should’ve run more with the sight gags like those cakes because as the wedding ends up looking just very plain (not a diss) but very classy and elegant looking. Even Quinn’s dress is so simple but beautiful.

It’s a small venue, the wedding colors are green, black, and white. Very simple. Some flowers here and there.

I guess Lyric was one of those overwhelming gags also to emphasize how “over the top” all this is but that’s her “gift” to them, she’s Quinn’s sister in law and they’ve known each other for nearly 15 yrs so why are we overwhelmed with something that should be normal coming from her ???

(p.s. unpopular opinion: I liked Lyrics’ song, the melody was great, the lyrics eh, but I like the line “she’s in her wedding dress and he’s hoping she’ll say yes”; very Quogan, very “She’s everything, He’s just Ken”.)

Anyway moving away from Quogan: Michael. Literally what is the point of taking one of the main main characters who bothered to return for this reboot, and having them lose their voice so they can’t speak for half the movie. You might say it’s due to controversy but if they cared about controversies, they wouldn’t have done this movie at all 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Stacey & Mark: to preface: personally I loved Stacey in the original and Mark is…Mark 🤷🏻‍♀️. I kinda wish they had mentioned Stacy’s original obsession with Logan in the series, I think that could’ve been fun if they worked that in somehow. They did mention Mark & Quinn dating but (ins how everyone feels about this) I would’ve liked if Mark had regret about dump—breaking up with (😅) Quinn and was holding a torch for her or something because again: she’s everything. The whole dynamic of Quogan and Stark being couple besties…wasn’t the vibe imo. The whole thing of Stacey interrupting the wedding bcs she’s obsessed with murder mysteries like since when?? How did that happen?? WHERE ARE THE COTTEN SWABS AND WHITE GLUE!!!!!? You’re gonna tell me a friend officiating their 2 friends wedding doesn’t think to turn off their notifications when they’re reading the nuptials off their phone during said wedding like—?? Especially when one of her announcements was for everyone to silence their phones????!

Speaking of phones out during the wedding: Zoey.

I mean…it’s Zoey (JLS) who’s surprised that this, the most special of days has to be made about her and her really weird and sad desire to go back to PCA. Also it’s really weird to me how that was the solution to the wedding being ruined when literally she’s the only one feigning to go back, the others are doing great and are cool being done with that. They look back fondly, not longingly, so idk why it was played like getting married at PCA is somehow Quinn’s dream and the solution to their problem. And if we do go back and have the Quogan wedding there, HOW ARE WE NOT GONNA INCLUDE THEIR BENCH!!!!? I mean maybe the group didn’t know about it, maybe, but Logan definitely would and speaking of Logan.

Nothing much wrong with him in the film tbh, he was so husband it was great actually, but what the hell was that line?? They’ve been together, again, almost 15 years. There is 0 chance he doesn’t know to talk to her if they’re having a problem. To be fair tho, I think the implication was that in the hustle and bustle and over the top ness of the wedding he lost sight of them as a couple and how their dynamic works and that’s why Quinn was upset but like, really?? all Zoey has to say is “have you tried just talking to her” and he remembers that that’s what they do…?? Okay.

Anyway, I think we all agree a Quogan movie would’ve been better. 😊😊

Oh! P.s. Chase! This is really sad and pathetic. Get over this, bitch!!

[genlossneg]

Oh my god I literally cannot convey to you that stumbling on this blog felt like seeing the sunlight again after being trapped underground for months. I thought I was crazy for finding fault with genloss because I have not seen any actual valid criticism anywhere and I thought I was losing my mind for not seeing the glory that is the, ‘next wave of indie horror content’.

Please.

There’s more horror in an average retail store on any given weekend than this entire series has in its three episodes.

Christ I don’t even know where to begin with this thing.

I’m not a film student but I’ve read the other film student anons’ posts and they are so incredibly right. There is so much about the series that felt hastily thrown together and I also loathe the phrase ‘intentionally bad’ when it’s something that’s been hyped up for as long as it has and yet, fell so incredibly flat. I have never been more bored, irritated, and confused watching a piece of media before, and have continued to feel this way as I watch diehard fans of Ranboo tout how great of a series it is?

Hey, Boobers- cmere, let me tell you a secret, genloss ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.

It’s a lukewarm, lackluster production at best, and if I didn’t know going in that this was supposed to be Ranboo’s passion project, it literally feels like a school assignment he had only the bare interest in putting together. God this thing has no soul. It has no spark. And it hurts so much to know that this is what this great incredibly hyped-up project became, because from how they talked about it, it's obvious Ranboo loves this thing, and I wanted to love it too.

But it ain’t good. And someone should’ve told him long before now it needs massive edits, and I get it, getting hard criticism is painful and isn't fun, but if it makes your end product better, your piece of entertainment content more enjoyable for the consumer, then you gotta listen and bare it.

I’m an author and I know they do it because they love me, but whenever my editors are like ‘ayo this shit is whack wtf you talking about’ it does hurt my pride but!!!! But!!!!!!!! I go back and take a harder look at that section and sometimes I stand by what I wrote, but other times I now see what was wrong with it and make the edits. Sometimes entire concepts have to get cut to trim down the story and make it more cohesive and that also sucks, but you just tuck those ideas away for later or another project, and tbh I do not feel like anyone did this with the genloss concept.

This entire story feels like it is stapled together and there is literally no through line!! It is a random bag of ideas mashed together to form what I imagine an AI would generate if you typed in ‘mall, horror, evil cooperation’. Fuck it hurts. It hurts so much to be someone that is so passionate about storytelling and writing to see genloss get the attention it has, and for Ranboo to be praised for their ‘excellent writing skills’.

I do understand this was probably their second real attempt at writing a story for public consumption (first being his character’s arc in the dsmp), and like, nothing anyone writes on their second attempt to tell a story is gonna be great. Mine wasn’t, no writer’s is, and that’s okay I really genuinely get that, my problem is how the production was hyped up, how the budget was apparently blown on so much wasteful crap, and then how no one with experience telling stories took a look at his concept before production began.

It makes me sick to know that box cost 18k. Do you know what I, and many other small creators, could do with that kinda money?

This was a few weeks ago? Maybe last week? But Ranboo said over here on the tumbles that they were thinking about genloss in written form, IE a book, and I think I literally blacked out I got so angry. I am also writing a book (hahahaha hi it is not easy!) and I honestly don’t think it's half bad, but I have still been fighting tooth and nail to get eyes on it and nothing makes me angrier than knowing Ranboo could slap some half-baked shit into a word doc, get whatever kind of fancy printing they wanted, and sell more copies than I likely ever will.

I don’t wish anything ill on the dude, he seems like a nice person and I hope he succeeds, but jesus christ, someone needs to be real with them on their writing and story construction. TBH I think a large part of the problem is how rabid his fanbase is, so any kind of criticism gets buried under threats and just, people blowing smoke up his ass, and that is not helpful to him as a creator!! Dude wants to grow and improve, stop telling them genloss is the best thing since sliced bread!!

Let him get his feelings hurt over this, let them take that and make it their drive, let him know he can do better.

If you keep settling for mediocrity, you never push yourself to do something great.

But that’s just my two cents. Thank you for letting me word vomit in your inbox, I have been going crazy and I will likely be back <3

-the author anon

this blog is collecting anons representing all the creative aspects of gen loss like pokemon. first film student anon. now author anon.

but in all seriousness i'm glad this blog is a breath of fresh air for you <3 you're right! my first couple attempts at writing (mostly fanfiction, some original) i am very glad they do not exist online. part of writing well is being kind of really bad at it for a bit. ive taken a writing class (in college) and the entire foundation of that class was "we will write and then your classmates will give you feedback" and it made a lot of my work so much better. feedback is like. how you get good and i feel like you're right, the fanbase does drown a lot of that out (hence me making a dedicated blog!)

i hadn't heard of the gen loss book concept before this but. i can't imagine it would be super great at the current form of gen loss is in. and writing is so much more than "here's the plot" like. establishing a good setting and sense of place and making us actually connect with the protagonist and. author anon that awakened something in me

Let him get his feelings hurt over this, let them take that and make it their drive, let him know he can do better. If you keep settling for mediocrity, you never push yourself to do something great.

anyways. great thoughts! reposting that quote for those in the back :)

[cieloclercs]

lover, you should’ve come over , send me a description of yourself + a fandom and gender preference, and i’ll ship you with a character

i want it with f1 and it doesn't matter old or current drivers. i sent you this request before but i think i forgot to add preference so it was my fault. hope it doesn't bother you that i'm sending you a new one again, if it bothers you then i'm sorry. i think it's gonna be long so... sorry in advance x2

i'm 22 and history student. i want to be an academic because knowledge is pretty much everything to me. if a djinn grant me 3 wishes, one of them would be to know everything about universe, humankind and other things. i like learning new things and i like to share them with others whether its something scientific, about history, philosophy or just random fact about pop culture it doesn't matter. sometimes i just starting to tell someone a random fact i learned out of the blue so there's that i think. i also think my love language is quality time. i'll remember whats your favorite book, movie, song, sweater, drink etc it doesn't matter i'll etch everything about you into my brain forever. its my curse, sometimes i think that way.

i like buying new books even if i have billions of them i haven't read it yet at my home it doesn't matter. i like to go museums. my idea of relaxing and holiday is going to new historical places, museums, exhibitions, watching something or reading something, explore new music etc so you get the idea.

i like to watch art movies, documentaries, keeping an eye on film festivals. my favorites are those 3 hours long old movies you can hardly find subtitles for but when you do... it gives you everything you need and more.

when i said i like learning new things i mean it as a learning different subjects or matters. it doesn't matter tbh if that thing got me interested in then you probably gonna find me searching it online at 3 am.

i'm a bit cold to others i'm not gonna lie. definetely judge someone and if i dont find them okay-ish then warming up to them and liking them is gonna be hard. i tend to isolate myself and zone out frequently when i'm overwhelmed so even if you continue to talk there's a big chance i'm not gonna hear you but i have pretty good focus so thats the plus for me.

i'm definetely quick to anger and hold grudges really well won't forget something you said to me 10 years ago. but i'm also a ride or die and would bring shovel to your house unquestioned so i guess that's even it out?

but there's a weird and kind of intimidating side of me? at least that what my friends been saying. my classmates and friends often saying to me how they were/are intimidated to talk to me because they didn't want to seem stupid or didnt gage out what would i say or react. weird side of me i think its that sometimes i tend to get awkward not gonna lie...

also i tend to get... disappear for extended period of time out of the blue. i'm just vibing at home or outside by myself. i'm happy with it but others don't.

i hope it's not too long and if it is sorry </3

i ship you with lance stroll!

— i’ve never pictured lance as the academic type per se, but i always get the sense he’s a bit of a dark horse when it comes to his talents outside of f1… i feel like he’d be super interested in all of the stuff you are, especially philosophy. once you guys start dating, i can picture him getting really into philosophy and history and reading to the point where he’s basically just feeding your own need for more knowledge (match made in heaven frrr)

— obviously the guy is loaded so he has no problem buying you whatever books you want. instead of being the kind of boyfriend that goes out and buys his girlfriend jewellery to show affection (bc his love language is DEFINITELY gift giving) he’ll buy you a ton of books instead 😭 i feel like you’ll get so used to it that every time you go out you leave a reading list on the table for him to look at, and when you get back he’ll have bought you EVERY SINGLE BOOK. even the really obscure ones, and you’re like how did he manage to find this at such short notice? 😭

— loads of your dates consist of either movie nights or trips to museums and exhibitions. you might do some more mindless lowkey stuff in-between, but lance will pretty much do whatever it is you want to do 😭 he’ll definitely surprise you with random trips to loads of interesting historical places. even if you only mention a particular place one time in passing, the next thing you know he’ll get you on his private jet and take you there for the weekend 🥹 it just shows he’s a really good listener too !! a bit like you, he just wants to commit everything about you to his memory 🤍

— i never thought i’d say this because i picture lance as being quite isolated a lot of the time, but he encourages you to get out more and stops you from retreating within yourself. he knows that you have no problem being alone with your thoughts, but he also wants you to get out and experience things with new people 🥹

— BUT on the other hand, you guys are definitely the judgy inside joke couple 😭 i mean in the sense that you tell each other everything. if you’re holding a grudge against someone for a particular reason, he knows exactly why and holds a grudge too 😭 basically you always tell each other your drama to the point where you’re essentially just sharing enemies. this unfortunate person will never know why but every time they come near you both you’ll automatically just fall silent and stare them down 😭 half the grid is scared of you both for this but it’s fine you’re iconic

— ps. i’m sorry this took so long! i’ve been mulling over this one for a while 😅

[lesser-mook]

Saw this back when it dropped, never finished an Anime movie so pissed; that 2 hours were spend on what should’ve  been 30min. 

The movie overall could've been a cute short film, without the time skip and unnecessary side characters. Just self indulgence on full display.

And funny how I (a detractor) am talking about the film, thus bringing it back into minor 5sec of relevance, when people who liked the film, (so far as I’ve seen) forgot it even existed. 

When pure raw emotion/ hype is your reason for liking something- when the emotions & hype fade, that’s the hill what you liked dies on.

Hype & emotions do not last forever. Same goes for relationships.

Anyways, 

 The bullying aspect was executed “OK”, very mean stuff.

Though the entire thing was just a huge play on your emotions. Rarely have any female designs that stray from the “stock cute girl design”, no pronounced nose, heavy set, burns that don’t look like tattoos, overbite, sloped eyes, nope just 24/7 the cutest possible iteration. Because how could you feel empathy for someone that isn’t appealing to your Darwinian biases.

Typical presentation, the "insert your tears here" moments were cringeworthy (because you can tell they really, REALLY want you to feel something), didn’t work for me. Worst parts of the movie because it’s so extra and over the top.

Neon Genesis Evangelion had hard to watch scenes because in context they were supposed to be actual larger than life problems. But they were not this pedantic. (and thats coming from me)

Same with that stair climax scene in Garden of Words, with the crying, and leaping on him & shit, the music swell, all over a misunderstanding. Just melodrama stupidity.

You’d think a fool legit died or something.

This is what most Anime (slice of nothing happens) movies are, just unintentional Rom-coms taking themselves too goddamn seriously.

Cause the easiest road to 5 stars for Otaku’s is make a mf cry, that’s all it takes. and what does that even matter when recent generations are so overly emotional these days anyway. WHO ISN’T crying nowadays.

The voice acting was good, from all the cast. (SUB)

 The titular couple had little in common as people, let alone a would be couple,  she was a blank slate of nauseating innocence, but she was cute. (Per japanese obsession = cute cute cute, thats her existence. No attitude, no allergy, no weird hobbies. Nope just Angel in incarnate. Too good for this world.)

He remembered her & kept hounding her out of curiosity, guilt, intrigue and because he’s tall & endearing and she’s short & cute- we’re supposed to want him to succeed in re-entering her life.

Pure superficial aesthetic.

If she had a temper or something, an ugly laugh, sore loser, something/ anything resembling a flawed human being, that would be better. Hell if she went through a transformation and became like a UFC or underground deaf streetfighter badass, that shit would be fucking wild, the movie just throws you the biggest curveball of the anime industry  and funny given she was bullied so that's how she'd cope. 

And it wouldn’t just be a contrived plot point, because it’d make narrative sense as to why she’d feel driven to be a fighter, to never be preyed on again.

The joke would be you'd expect exactly what you got in the movie, someone whose ripe for romantic crap, but she ends up being the exact opposite, still feminine, but not available & has better things to do. Because why not.

Leagues more entertaining, because now the intrigue is: HOW TF is he going to end up with her, HOW?!

But you see, this only works if she’s frail, “cute cute cute” and vulnerable 24/7- ya know the Japanese’ peak standard for a domestic infantile pet, Errr i mean a “WAIFU” guys, my bad. Got the two mixed up...

Otherwise how could the movie possibly end without some kind of contrived romance thread that realistically shouldn’t exist.

And all that time & she has no partner?

If they had any balls they’d made her like girls, instead of some side characters being subtly lesbian, so bold guys, very brave. 

So him getting with her is an impossibility and him making amends can be genuine in isolation outside romantic motivations, thus removed from the fact that he’s obviously guaranteed her hand after the bullshit drama is done. Because that’s the agenda of the events, not actual redemption.

Predictable.

 Him grown up, he was more vulnerable & apologetic due to him being bullied to balance out her innocent nature and that alone was enough to get them to develop feelings. Zero chemistry, just well drawn/animated/colored scenes of being in the same vicinity and being wholesome.

Wholesome isn’t chemistry (*Cough Clark-Kun and Lois-Chan *cough cough), that’s the problem with Deku and Ochako, & it took me a while to figure that out cause it’s easy to think just being cute means that’s a recipe for success. 

 And because he became a victim of bullying like she was, another indicator that we’re supposed to  want them together. More manipulation, so he didn’t have to earn shit. Despite the fact that he deserved that shit, she didn’t. 

You don’t get rewarded for suffering consequences of your own actions. 

  Stock syndrome is cute because the girl is cute, the movie.

Could've been better but could've been worse. never watched it again, but unfortunately the good animation burned it’s existence into my mind.

It was a nice/ “sweet” film for what it was. 

Overly drawn out, melodramatic; The entire story could've been wrapped up as a more concise short film. Under an hour.

Just watch Spirited Away, Mirai, “Flavors of Youth”

or the underrated Dareka no Manazashi (A good short film people forgot existed because it’s not highschool Tween melodrama bait)

And for a simpler take on Man+Woman = Feels 

(though the premise itself is weird)

Gets the point across without holding you hostage for 2 hours, the pacing in this movie is pretty good.

[graftisms]

JOSHUA & NAOMI — DAY THIRTY-EIGHT

location :   living room / night / after movie night

featuring :   @heatwayve​

JOSHUA

he only hovers in the bedroom for less than ten minutes after romi leaves, soaking in their conversation and gathering up the courage to think about naomi. god, naomi. she probably hates him right now, he can imagine. it's not like she's his favorite person either, still reeling at the video he watched for her. the clip of her and marcus flirting cuts worse than the rest of it, but that's probably just because of the way he followed on her heels like a dog when she left to go to the kitchen. by now he fully regrets not doing the same, however, not sure what kind of conversation to prepare for when he finally leaves to go find her. just about to leave the villa to head outside, he nearly runs right into naomi, taking a quick side-step so they don't tumble into each other. "oh. hey." his tone is mildly surprised, but josh tries to catch himself, fingers running through his hair absentmindedly. "i was just coming to look for you." 

NAOMI

as naomi goes to take a breather, to calm down in the bathroom, marcus's words resonate. the only person that can give her the answers she needs from tonight is josh, but she feels so . . . is it fear? something like that. maybe the fear is actually just of a stronger feeling. there's hurt, too, wishing she could get the sound of his voice – that playful, flirty tone she knows so well – saying those things out of her mind. she actually doesn't know where he disappeared off too, though, doesn't want to be chasing him around when he didn't bother to follow her earlier, but she's slow in turning corners around the villa, trying to find him in spite of her better judgement. "oh my god," she exclaims, a quick thrum of her heartbeat as she comes to a standstill. she's still in her movie night gown, and it swishes around her heels, her arms crossing over the plunging neckline at her chest. her steely-eyed gaze flickers over him briefly, but she doesn't let herself linger, keeping her composure. "where'd you go?"

JOSHUA

by now he's changed, not into pajamas but into something more casual that didn't make him feel ridiculous sitting around in. really, it was an excuse to waste time, to pick out an outfit rather than face the fight he knew he would be getting himself into. romi had caught him at the tail end of it. "to change," he says, a bit gruffly, eyes flickering down at his clothes, before up at her. her eyes are barely on him, so he doesn't bother trying to meet her gaze, even if his eyes are lingering everywhere else on her. "i talked to romi for a bit." josh tries to say it with an even tone, but he's sure that naomi will be able to see the way he uncomfortably rocks on his feet, glancing down at his shoes. he takes a deep breath, before focusing his eyes on the curve of her cheekbones, and the sharpness of her jaw. "i'm sorry. i... needed a minute," he admits, lips pursing for a beat. "and i thought you'd need the same."

NAOMI

she probably should've changed. there's an incongruence in the fact that she's still in her gown, but she's cried off all her makeup. her shoes are strewn somewhere across the lawn, she can't be bothered. maybe if you didn't know her that well, didn't look too closely, it'd seem chic, but anyone that knows naomi knows there's a problem when she's anything less than put together. "oh?" there's a pause, can tell by the way he tenses that it wasn't a great conversation. what had played on romi's tape about josh and naomi was one of the more brutal parts of the night – maybe because naomi had been expecting to see something like this from josh's film, but she'd never have guessed that romi would go behind her back. she's desperate to ask josh how it went down. there's curiosity clawing at her throat, and it probably shows in her eyes for a beat, but that's not where they stand right now. even when she's furious at him, there's always part of naomi that will still want to stand at josh's side of the battlefield. "right, did you need to take a minute so you could figure out how you were going to explain all that?" naomi asks. the memory of earlier already has her cheeks burning with humiliation, but her eyebrow arches expectantly. she's cried all she can, and now her hurt is masked with ire. "where should we start? the part where you acted like i was some task that you couldn't wait to be rid of in a few months? or where you turned the idea that you don't trust me into a pick-up line?"

JOSHUA

he knows it's coming. the fighting. despite him still being hurt about his conversation with romi, and how badly he wants to wrap his arms around naomi right now, especially at the heaviness of her gaze back at him, eye makeup smudge like it's supposed to be that way—despite all this, josh knows it's coming. but when she finally throws the first blow, all josh can do is take a deep breath, her words bringing him back to everything that had been said in his movie earlier. "you knew that adela and i were friends," he starts, voice staying measured despite it all, "and that i wasn't feeling great about you and dylan a few days ago. you knew about mali, too, though i'm sorry it came out like that. that's not... it wasn't like that," he tries to reason, still finding his scenes with mali some of the most jarring of the night, hardly able to recognize himself. he remembers in that moment how he had almost considered bringing her back, the affection he felt for the girl. it felt so little in comparison now, when his eyes refuse to roam from naomi in front of him. "what about you and the italian? you didn't mention him during casa at all. or that other girl you kissed? looks like you had a lot more fun than i was told," he says, mildly.

NAOMI

"well, clearly it's not the first time in your friendship that you've joked about hooking up," naomi points out – and who knows what else they couldn't fit in the film? runtime spilling over like a scorsese movie. for all the extra time he had to think about this while he was running off in the other direction, leaving marcus to comfort her in the kitchen, it's a weak excuse. josh's most compelling argument is and always has been the way he looks at her now, an intense sincerity in his hazel eyes that makes her feel hot everywhere – though right now, maybe it's sexy in a bad way, as a certain someone might put it. "all of that stuff meant nothing and you know it, and it's not really about the fact that i already knew you slept with someone else in casa amor, it's that you were having these . . . like, inside jokes with her at my expense! you made it sound like i'm some serious business and you can't fucking wait to sign the papers and jet off on summer holiday!" naomi exclaims, "is that what it is? i'm the difficult work, and adela's fun?" she's clearly spiraling a bit, two plus two equals twelve, and there's a frantic race of her heart as physical evidence, that fiery look in her eyes. "i know a lot of people do actually leave this place with relationship obligations, but maybe i'm a fucking idiot for expecting . . . i don't know. not that." kind of fumbles the ending there with hopes she can't put into words. naomi might be a decent actress, but she can't fake it for an all-nighter in the hideaway, can't have long conversations between bedsheets about her parents and her exes, charting the path between his freckles with her fingertips with soft, understated affection. she might be the one yelling, but josh has his own upper hand and she hates it. "if it wasn't like that, then what the hell is it like?"

JOSHUA

"yeah, and what about it?" josh throws back, voice starting to rise in volume. "you're gonna sit here and talk to me about friendship, when i had to watch you and marcus be like that? you know the kid's, like, in love with you, and you love entertaining that shit, don't lie. most of the shit with adela was her just being a casa bombshell. it was all harmless." he doesn't love having to defend himself like this, but at least he'd rather talk about adela than mali. but of course she's brought up anyway, eyes rolling to the ceiling in order to get a break from looking right at naomi as she throws his words to mali back at him. "are we really going to do this?" he asks, impatiently. "yes, i slept with mali, and we flirted a bit. you... let's see. you kissed at least two bombshells, brought one back, and there was whatever the hell you were doing with the italian. are we gonna do a pissing contest here? this was, like, nearly two weeks ago. it was before we got back together." of course he knows that reasoning with naomi when she has this look in her eye isn't going to work as nicely as he'd like, but josh doesn't know what else to do anyway. her talking about leaving the villa with relationship obligations makes him flinch a little, eyes hardening at the insult. if only she knew what he was planning on doing tonight. "i'm sorry... two nights ago i was talking to you about meeting my family, and now you're really going to doubt me like this? jesus, naomi, are we not past this already?"

NAOMI

the way josh's voice rises seems to bring up the temperature of the room up with it, and naomi finds it impossible to look anywhere else. "oh my god!" her tone is exasperated, "well, maybe i should just kiss him then, because at least that can be platonic, apparently!" josh's gaze drifts up toward the ceiling in a way that infuriates her, blood boiling, "are you seriously rolling your eyes right now? you could at least look me in the eyes when you bullshit me, josh," she hisses, her hand reaches out to touch his cheek, thumb on his chin as she tilts it back towards her, levels her gaze with his. this way he can see the outrage in her eyes as he starts calling out her casa amor offenses like a grocery list. "it's like you don't even hear me when i talk! this isn't about who did what – which most of that was either after i found out you only reached out to me after jenny fucked max or after i found out you fucked someone else – it's about the fact that seeing you say that stuff about me actually hurt." it's an honest insight into the source of her anger, but she doesn't sound any less pissed off when she says it – despite the vulnerability in the sentiment. "oh, please. you don't get to play the victim right now over stuff that you said," she scoffs as he brings up the mention of meeting his parents like it's some kind of weapon to wield against her. maybe it is, because the memory does make her feel a little weak – it clearly does something to him too, since she can't piece together what the look in his eyes means. josh might be right about the past, but that doesn't change the fact that she was forced to watch it in front of a live audience tonight, making it all feel very fresh. "if you don't want me to doubt you, then stop giving me reasons!"

JOSHUA

"oh good, we're back to that then," he scoffs, just as exasperated as she is. the night's been long, thanks to movie night, and having just gotten off his conversation with romi, josh would give anything for him and naomi to be on the same side right now. but there's always that blood-pumping feeling that comes with arguing with naomi that's impossible to ignore, heat radiating off both their bodies when she reaches out to touch his face. neck angling down to look at her better, he takes a step closer until their hips are nearly touching, a hand on the small of her back to keep her where she is. "that's not what you just said!" he argues, impatiently. if it was just how hurt she was that she was throwing back at him, josh would feel a lot less annoyed about this. "i'm sorry you're hurt, naomi. i don't know what else you want me to do. all that shit that was said was ages ago." well, except for the part about josh and adela fucking, but he still doesn't think it's that bad—it was a joke! "and if i remember correctly, your movie wasn't fucking wholesome either, okay? i'm allowed to be just as upset as you are." and really, he's not getting an ounce of sympathy from her right now, which isn't making this any easier. josh is tired of being the one to always apologize in these fights, especially when he's not the only one in the wrong. "like, fuck— do you seriously think that i'm not serious about you, after all of this?" he wants her to prove his own words wrong, but romi's comment in her movie still still plays in his head: josh doesn’t seem like the type of guy who can be with one girl for very long. it's not like he has relationship experience under his belt to prove that wrong. if romi doesn't even believe him—if naomi doesn't, for that matter—then maybe they're not far off about it. maybe this whole thing is a waste of time.

NAOMI

there’s a sharp intake of breath as josh pulls her closer, the reminder that this thing between them often works like an intricate dance – both inside and outside of the bedroom. there are moments where naomi loves the way her body responds to his closeness, but right now she’s frustrated by it. “all of it? i tried to ask you to explain what you meant by what you said, but you’re so fucking stubborn that you’d rather avoid the question than just tell me what the hell was running through your mind,” she presses herself closer to him with each word, hips carving a line into his – choosing to wield their chemistry like a weapon rather than her own weakness, to remind him that no matter how many other girls he wants to flirt with, she’s still the one that can drive him fucking insane. “fine, fair enough. i’m sorry if what you saw upset you, i –” her voice wavers slightly, knowing damn well that she’s not some kind of saint – josh definitely knows it as well, has proven that he likes her in spite of it. but she thinks of josh with his hands one someone else, and all of her jealous ire comes right back, “but i would never use the mention of you as some kind of leverage, like i’m holding you back from your dreams of being le quetard!” the french slang for being a horny womanizer, basically, if you don’t want to google. chest heaves with an exasperated breath, and she can remember the quiet fire building in her chest at romi’s clip. there was this feeling like she had to know josh better than that, that she knew herself better than that when she saw the recognition in him that they were the same flighty people that didn’t know how to do this but wanted to try, with each other. “i believe in you," cheeks flush to say it, but her eyes are dark, voice a low and challenging hiss, "but that doesn’t mean that i don’t want to see you prove it.”

JOSHUA

he sighs, but it's impatient. "fine," josh relents, "what did you want me to explain? i can explain all of it, but whenever i try to do that you tell me i'm making excuses."  it's not his first rodeo when it comes to arguing with naomi; at this point, he knows the tactics she will usually use against him. her pressing herself closer to him is one of those tactics (and josh would know, because he started it), but it's one you won't find him complaining about. he's not really sure what she means by leverage, or what she says in french, only that it's as hot as it probably is offensive. his jaw tightens a bit, hand moving from the small of her back to fist into her hair, keeping their faces locked closely. this argument isn't really one he's sure how to navigate, because it feels like a lot is riding on her trust in him, as usual. josh isn't stupid—he knows that she'll only keep her faith in him for so long, until he does something that'll probably make them go up in flames. it just seems unfair for that to happen with so much that had been done in the past, before he even knew what he was coming back to in casa. something stirs in his chest when she says that she believes in him, eyes soften for a moment. josh hadn't realized how badly he needed to hear someone say that tonight.

"prove it? is that not what i've done the entire time we've been back?" his voice is gruff, body pushing into her without really noticing. "jesus— you know, i had this whole thing planned tonight," he says, starting to get heated again at the idea of what they could be doing right now, if not for this stupid movie night. "i had, like, planned to make you a dessert, and we were gonna grab a bottle of wine and go up on the terrace, and i was going to ask you to be my girlfriend," he laughs a little, feeling free of the secret he'd been keeping from her, even if it's spoiling everything. he hasn't thought that far ahead yet. "veux-tu être ma petite amie? yeah, and i was gonna give you my stupid jersey, because i thought you'd like that. and i was gonna make sure not to do it in front of anyone, because i knew you'd hate that. and instead we had to be shown clips of me in casa, and you hanging all over half the guys in the villa." he's been walking her backwards a bit as he rambles, until she's back against the wall. "so yeah, i'm trying to prove it, okay? but all of this is just... just so fucking stupid." josh is starting to get real over this show.

NAOMI

naomi always knows what it really means when she can get josh to bend a little, despite the irritation in his voice. it’s not that he’s pushing himself to work through this, but he’s pushing her, too, to try and articulate all of her frustrations in a way that no one else has. she doesn’t even think he does it on purpose. he just does. “okay, can you not put words in my mouth? you don’t know what i’m going to say,” she retorts, a soft, strained gasp in punctuation as his hand tugs at her hair. “i know we weren’t together at the time, but i’m just trying to piece together why the hell you’d talk about the possibility of us in the future like it’s a chore to you? and what was that thing with adela about, trying to secure some kind of backup plan? that was so fucked up,” the words are strung together haphazardly, maybe only partially making sense in lieu of josh’s retaliation, cornering her and holding her gaze. fingers hook into the waistband of his pants, pulling him flush against her so that she can feel him on her, the reminder that he’s hers in the most real, tangible way. naomi regrets losing her heels on the way to the kitchen earlier, shifting to stand up straighter so that she can meet his looming stature more directly. she didn’t think josh could say anything that could catch her off-guard again tonight, but his words leave her speechless, eyes widening with every syllable as he details how he’d been planning to spend tonight with her. 

“so, what the hell does that mean?” naomi asks, chest feeling tight as she tries to grapple with why he’d choose to reveal all of that to her right now. it seems cruel, to dangle it over her head like this, to make her think about it now. they’d only alluded to something like this, late night conversations about the future, vacations and their families, but for some reason it catches her off-guard that he’d been actively planning for their reality together. “i got upset over the film they showed tonight, you didn’t like what they showed about me, and that’s just done? past tense, forget all of it?” her voice almost breaks in the middle of her sentence, but she pulls it back together by the end, barrelling quickly through the ache in her chest. naomi feeling her temperature rising, vision almost blurry with rage and maybe . . . unexpected sadness, a desperate sort of longing for the night that they almost had. she hates the impulse she has, to seek out josh’s gaze in order to ground herself right now. if he was trying to hurt her, it worked. “well, fuck you,” she glowers, a sort of crazed and dangerous edge to the look in her eyes, like josh’s admission has made her give up on the idea of control in this scenario. “i guess it’s a really good thing we figured this all out now before you did it, because i would’ve said yes.” and then he’d be stuck with his obligation. her neck cranes upward, chin jutting at an angle as she challenges, “and once again, here we are talking about actions, and all i’ve got are words.”

JOSHUA

"it wasn't like that, naomi," he sighs, thumb pressing into the back of her neck, like a little massage. "i was trying to be nice, i think. we were talking hypotheticals, and even on that last night there, i think she was still trying to get me to change my mind. you're not actually an obligation." it's actually so absurd when he says it out loud, rolling his eyes. "and the adela thing was a joke. i was asking her what she thought about you and dylan as friends, before me and you talked about it. she was telling me i was crazy. there is absolutely nothing going on between adela and i." despite the way movie night seemed to turn them into the leading man and lady. "all of that was taken ridiculously out of context to make it look worse. like your movie, i'm sure," he tries to reason, trying to meet her halfway. 

the mention of the date he had planned for them comes out as a long-winded ramble, and josh doesn't realize that it's been taken completely wrong until he can see the ice form in her eyes, naomi going entirely stiff against him. "what? no." that's so far from what he meant, eyebrows push together in surprise before letting go of her hair, wanting to take a step back. instead he grabs onto her hips instead, not wanting her to be the one to push him away. "jesus, naomi. that's not what i meant. can i... fuck." it didn't occur to him that he could've waited til tomorrow to do all of that. right now, it feels a little too do or die, like if he hadn't told her his intentions, she wouldn't take him seriously. instead it feels like the opposite happened. "i just meant that i wish we were doing that now, tonight, instead of having to watch each other do shit that was made to hurt us. that's all." he reaches up for her face, taking it in the palm of his hand. "naomi, i want you to be my girlfriend. like, really fucking badly. i was so nervous all day today about it. i'm sorry, i shouldn't have said anything. i just... i want you to know how serious i am. that's all." it's not lost on her that she admitted that she'd say yes, but it's just a small echo in the back of his head, because he hadn't actually deserved it yet. "i'll go get my jersey right now, baby. don't fucking tempt me."

NAOMI

she frowns, "you didn't tell me that. you told me you cut it off with her after the first night." there's a part of her that knows the way she's hanging on to it is silly, that she knows what a relationship that's merely symbiotic looks like, that she's grown up around it her entire life. it's cold in all the ways that josh is warm to her, a set power dynamic rather than a power struggle, and if she could, she'd tell him why that word hurt her so deeply, scared her so much. she never wants that for herself, would rather go it alone if that's what a partnership means : but it's scary to admit that what she wants is passion and excitement, warmth and someplace that feels like home. wanting that, something so many people have without needing to think twice about it, feels so embarrassing. "i just – god, it's all so stupid. i hated that so much, sitting there feeling like that while everyone who doesn't believe in us gets to feel right," her voice is low, an anger and vehemence from the depths of her chest. 

josh's hands fall to her hips and naomi leans back, her head hitting the wall so that she can look back up at him, eyes tracing the tightness in his jaw. his voice is so soft that she can't help the way that her eyes drop down to the curve of his lips, immediately annoyed with herself for the thought. she knows what he's doing, rooting her in place so that she can't leave, and it's her turn to roll her eyes. "then...what? why do you keep talking?" story of josh's life. "why'd you say all of that like something's now changed? you can't prove to me that you're serious by telling me about all the stuff that you're going to do. you already know i'm not like that. and if you're going to actually be someone's boyfriend then you've got to step up, because this wasn't it," naomi tells him. "and you sure as hell can't let some other guy follow me out of the room when we have a night like that," she snaps. naomi pauses for a beat, one eyebrow arched in a mixture of skepticism and disbelief, " – did you seriously bring your hockey jersey all the way to mallorca?" isn't he just on a rec team?

JOSHUA

"i did cut it off with her," josh says. "i still talked to her, because i liked her as a person, and i wasn't really doing much else. but she knew it was just as friends. it's like me and adela," he tells her. granted, his flirting with adela is a lot more of horsing around than with mali, not unlike the way he talks to frankie. it's frustrating having to hash this out, especially when he hasn't seen mali in nearly two weeks, but he doesn't blame naomi for it. at least they're on the same page about one thing. "i know." josh squeezes her hip comfortingly. "i'm really sorry you had to watch that." but hey, at least it wasn't his night with mali. 

"i didn't mean it like that, naomi, serious," he urges, sliding a knee between her two legs subtly, leaning into her. "i'm just-- i'm just annoyed the night was ruined. i should've just done it tomorrow, i guess." he hadn't thought that far ahead. but the comment about marcus makes his annoyance seep in again, gaze hard. "yeah, you wanted me to follow after you when marcus did it first? your beat friend that you let stare at your ass? yeah, no. i needed a minute before getting into this with you." his thumb rolls along the bottom of her chin. "i brought my college jersey," he admits, lips pressing together to fight a smile off his lips, albeit sheepish. "it's a good luck charm for me now. but i thought you should have it, until i get you a real jersey. i still want to give it to you." his hand slides up her body, noses touching as his lips ghost right over hers. "nothing's changed, naomi. i want you to be my girlfriend."

NAOMI

"she knew it was just as friends? she nearly kissed you, josh – that's not cutting it off," naomi argues. it's hard to boldly claim very much with the editing, but it looked like mali had been the one to call an end to the conversation, too, for both of them. "i know it's in the past, and i did some shit too, i just – you know you don't have to bullshit me, so i don't know why you keep doing it!" she says, frustrated. naomi has operated most of her relationships through life on conditional, transactional terms, instinct. but it's not that way with josh, not about what she can get from him. but maybe that's why she feels comfortable pushing him now, too. 

naomi does like when his voice gets that pleading note to it, that look he gets on his face when he's on the cusp of begging for her, dropping his guard. she loves getting to see him like this, armor off. "ugh, please. you know damn well that everyone should appreciate, don't even start," she retorts, back arching slightly against the wall as she slowly guides one of josh's hands from her hip to her ass. production literally took a slow-mo shot of her walking into the villa from behind on her first day on set. "there's probably gifs, get over it," she tells him. 

"oh my god," more in shock at herself, that she's with a guy that's carrying around his old american college jersey as a keepsake. "really?" her brow furrows. it's so 2000s teen movie of him to offer her, like she's leaning up against the locker and 'it says t for troy.' which isn't really her at all, never the long-standing relationship girl saga, but josh looks at her like he sees her that way. "well, fine. but if i'm wearing that, i'm not wearing anything else," because how else do you make a hockey jersey chic? his lips are nearly on hers again and it's that word again, sending a thrill up her spine that she's hard to discern whether it's excitement or fear. after what she's seen tonight and how much it hurt, sobbing in the kitchen over how it actually made her feel, it seems like a lot – and she knows her judgement is clouded by their proximity, the way he's touching her. as much as she likes the idea of their future, calling it official in naomi's book usually means giving it an expiration date. there's a soft, breathy sigh on her lips, tilting her head away from him. trying to resist, but there's always a part of her that will want the chase. "is that all you want?" reminiscent of their night in the hideaway, when he'd asked her to list what she wanted from him. his turn.

JOSHUA

"i'm not bullshitting you," he tells her, voice growing on impatient. "i don't know what to fucking tell you. i told her that i wasn't interested in her like that, and i was going back for you. that i wanted to be with you. i don't know if she thought that would do something, but it didn't, so. we've been over this before," josh reminds her. "i know that, like, it's more real seeing it for yourself, but nothing's changed. do you not believe me?" he can't really tell if she's just giving him a hard time because she can, if she's just hurt watching it, or if there's something else.  "really?" josh's eyes roll, though he is actually annoyed that that's her argument when he brings up marcus. "i'm serious, naomi. i don't fucking like you doing that with him. he's one of my best friends here." surely if he doesn't have an argument to not want her and dylan to be friends, not wanting her to flirt with one of his own friends seems fair. but her moving his hand to her ass is enough of a distraction to not throw themselves immediately into a fight again, instead giving it a good squeeze. she does have a great ass, one that josh feels irrationally protective of now... but not of the thought that there are gifs made of it. 

"really what?" he blinks back at her, not sure why his teen heartthrob antics should be such a surprise. in his defense, the last girlfriend he had was in high school, and he had probably let her wear his jersey during pep rallies. this is a little different, and he doesn't expect naomi to wear it around the villa (they would both get relentlessly teased)—but it felt wrong to ask her to be his girlfriend without giving her something to show how much he cared about her, and jewelry was out of the question. his jersey's the only thing he brought from home that has sentimental value to him, that felt like giving it to naomi was giving her a piece of his heart as well. still, the idea of her wearing it and nothing else has his eyes bright in thought, eyes sweeping over her. "only if i'm the only one that gets to see it," he hums, his breath soft against the skin of her neck. lips twitch upwards when she tilts away from him, pushing her closer against him until she's riding up his leg, bunching the fabric of her dress around her waist to give more leverage. "is that all i want?" he echoes the question with a laugh, because it seems like an absurd thing to ask. as if her being his girlfriend is a small feat in itself. but he considers the question, teeth scraping her skin as he drags his lips up her neck absentmindedly. "you know what, it is," he decides after a beat, turning his head to look right at her, faces so close. "i told you the day we got back from casa. i just want to be your stupid boyfriend, and hold your stupid hand, and have you meet my family, and maybe meet yours. i wanna be able to brag that i have the hottest girlfriend, and know that you're not thinking about anyone else, and leave this place and travel the world together. you're already mine," the smile he gives her is sinful, "and you know that i'm yours, but yeah, maybe i want the stupid titles to go with it. "and, yeah, maybe i like the idea of having this ass—" he gives her a spank on her behind, "—all to myself. sue me. think you can handle that, santos?"

NAOMI

she does know something’s changed. not in regards to mali, but . . . between the two of them. she’s spent more than a month now obsessing over him, over them, too completely attune to all of his mannerisms not to notice that something was different when he came back from casa amor – and that it was different when they were together than it was the first time around, the tentative getting-to-know you process where neither one of them were trying to hang up their coat too soon. she does believe him. but she also never imagined how hard it actually would be to build something real in here – probably because she never intended to do that. “what, so you can proposition adela as a joke and claim it’s fine because you didn’t mean it, but marcus and i can’t mess around? you do realize how fucking backwards that is, right?” her frustrated groan is mixed with desire as the possessive way he touches her, and she punctuates it with a narrow-eyed glare, not sure if she’s annoyed with him or annoyed with herself for always, always wanting him like this. never does she feel like she’s met her match except in an argument with josh. 

naomi’s teeth sink into her lower lip, like she’s got to bite back the curve of her smile at how utterly cheesy it is, but she does understand what he’s trying to do with the gesture, heart fluttering. though leave it to naomi to take something that’s meant to be wholesome and picture herself riding him in that jersey until he’s panting, eyes rolling back into his head – all while she’s got his name on her back in big block letters. she’s horny, had a bit to drink and given him the slightest out – so, if josh had pushed her up against the wall and finally kissed her right now, that would’ve been the end of it, movie night solved – lust wins. it was supposed to be a leading question in another direction, not a request for him to keep pushing the girlfriend thing. she can feel her heart speeding in her chest, and not just because she can feel his breath, the ghost of his lips on her neck. “josh…” her brow furrows. is he really pushing her for an answer on this tonight? she’s told him her history with relationships, how hard this is for her – how could he still think that this is the right time? the feeling she has now is vaguely reminiscent of the panic she had the day after she found out about what he’d done with jenny, when josh pulled her close with that wild look in his eyes and told her he was crazy about her. but she’s crazy, too, about all of his passion and all of the stupid, small ways he’s made her feel at home when she’s never felt like she’s fit like this with anyone else. it’s prompting naomi’s fight or flight response, and for some reason, she’s choosing both.

“i told you that i would’ve said yes tonight – not that i’m saying yes now,” she protests, wrenching herself from his grasp. she surges forward this time, tired of being cornered and backed up against the wall in a fight. she steps forward to back him toward the couch, the sliding glass door. her hair’s wild from being pushed up against the wall, straps of her dress falling down over her shoulders. “like, if you’ve really seen this future for us the entire time anyway, then . . . why are you trying to do this tonight, after we both were just forced to watch all that shit?” she asks. when he’d brought up the idea of girlfriend after casa, it felt like such a hypothetical, and now it feels real. what if she wants it too much? she’s freaking out. she can still remember that hopeless, empty, god, fucking heartbroken feeling in her chest when marcus wrapped his arms around her in the kitchen, it’s all still so fresh and she feels overwhelmed and frantic, very familiar fears coursing through her veins. “are you just, like, afraid to lose me so you’re trying to push this into the endzone? is that what’s happening?” she asks. “i just watched you call me your default option in front of the entire villa,” her voice rises with each syllable, hands wringing out slightly nervous energy. being around him is still so intoxicating. “i think you should sleep outside tonight.”

JOSHUA

"i apologized for the adela shit, naomi. like, i am sorry for it." despite meaning it, his tone makes it probably a little tough to believe. "but yeah, i'm gonna be annoyed at the marcus shit, because none of this is new. i won't make any more stupid jokes with adela, but are you gonna stop flirting with marcus?" if only he knew how little this actually mattered. the argument is only half-assed at best though, because josh's annoyance is slowly starting to melt away. it feels like the argument as a whole it starting to tip in the right direction. him telling her about his plans to ask her to be his girlfriend tonight had been a throwaway comment that landed better than he expected, and the more naomi asked him about it, their bodies pressed together, the more real it felt. he hadn't expected this to be the way he asks her, because he knows that naomi is a little high maintenance, and would like some sort of display to go with it—if for nothing else, than for the cameras. but she's asking him what he wants and it's hard not to be eager for it now, josh's usual self-indulgence taking center stage. and it's so close, he can taste it...

so naomi's josh feels like a bucket of cold water dumped on him, knowing too well by now exactly what that tone implies. her wrestling herself out of his grip makes it even more clear, already annoyed at her ability to dangle something like this over his nose like bait, only to swipe it away at last minute. his eyes immediately harden, allowing her to move him a couple steps towards the couch before he side-steps out of her way, arms folding over his chest. "because it doesn't matter," he tells her, passion in his voice. it's not like this isn't something he's thought and over-thought about, considering josh isn't the type who willingly wants to tie himself down to someone. by now, naomi should know what she wants, too. "because i'm tired of waiting. you know how i feel, and i thought i know how you feel." he knows what she's doing: using the content during movie night as a reason to push him aside. she's not even accurate in what content they played about him, scoffing at the word default. "that's not what i said, naomi, jesus. you know that's not true. i'm— what?" yeah, it's her telling him to sleep outside that's the last straw. he scoffs, anger flashing in his eyes. "i'm not fucking sleeping outside. but by all means, you're welcome to. i wouldn't want us to move too fast or anything." did she really need the whole movie moment in order to say yes to him? does she even care about actually being with him? sometimes josh can't help if she's pushing him away out of her own fears, or if she's just trying to always be the one in control between them. he jumps, and she says how high. it's reminiscent of the days after he turned jenny down, back when he thought he had a chance with naomi, while she was playing him. like hell if he's making that mistake again. if she wants to be his girlfriend, she's going to have to do something about it. "i'll give you some space," he says stiffly, turning to go.

NAOMI

"it doesn't matter?" naomi parrots, eyes widening, "how could how i feel about tonight not matter, josh?" she asks, face flushing all the way to her ears with her irritation. "you can't be fucking serious!" there's something about all of her usual composure that's been lost in this discussion, from her appearance to the way she speaks, and it's always been something josh brings out in her – better or worse. but for the times she's shown a side of herself she'd have preferred to hide from the cameras, josh has seen most of it. tonight's not much different, way too focused on him to think of the mechanical eyes on them. "oh, that's very fucking romantic, isn't it? that you were just sick of waiting for me," naomi scoffs. "so, that's it, time up?" she dramatically mimes tapping an imaginary watch, "you barely even asked me, josh, there was no question involved – you just expected me to start agreeing with you." there's no missing the anger that flashes in josh's eyes, but naomi can read him well enough to see the hurt that's underneath, masking his disappointment, maybe something stronger. there's a desperate feeling coiling in the pit of naomi's stomach, the impulse to fix it because it's not like she doesn't already know how good it would feel to just admit it, that she's his and he's hers, that they've been working toward something – he'd probably lift her up into his arms and they'd call it a night very early and he'd spend a lot of time under the covers and between her legs making it up to her. but thanks to production, she's endured enough tonight that her pride keeps her in check. whatever feeling has itself wrapped around her heart, clawing it's way up her throat also has her gritting her teeth and swallowing it back down, a practiced maneuver at this point. everything she really feels won't make it past her lips.

"what the hell? you're going to give me space, but you won't leave the fucking bedroom? how am i supposed to –" think straight like that? lay there beside you without wanting you? crawl into bed with you without touching you? there's no good way to finish that sentence, so she just shakes her head with indignation. it kind of feels like the least he could do, but somewhere along the way naomi's played too much of her cards, shown him too much of herself maybe, and now he knows better. god, he's so fucking impulsive that it makes her want to wrap her hands around his neck. "fine, if you really can't be bothered, then i guess i'll find somewhere else to go," she says, too stubborn to acquiesce to anything else in this moment, though her eyes are burning with an angry fire in them. it's funny, because she's always been someone that prefers sleeping alone, happy to kick anyone out of her bed at home so that she can get a better night's sleep and peace and quiet in her own space, but the past month has made her very accustomed to having someone else near. spending a night without him actually sounds so . . . lonely. but she's put the words out there, doesn't plan on taking them back. you're welcome to, sounds way too much like a challenge, and after what she saw on the screen in the center of the villa tonight, naomi doesn't have it in her to ask him to stay. "you are such an asshole."

JOSHUA

"it's not how you feel, god! i know you're upset, and i acknowledge that. but we're going to move past this," he says, without a shadow of doubt in him, "because that's what we do, and none of this is, like, monumental. if you were going to say yes to me anyway, then i know you want this. i don't know why you have to fight it. you don't have to forgive me right this second, but... fucking hell." fingers run through his hair, trying to cool himself off. but her accusation about not asking her is met with narrowed eyes and a heartbeat thumping in his ears, because from where josh stands, he's pretty sure he had just poured his heart out to her about what he wants. the fact that it wasn't enough is actually really embarrassing, neck starting to heat up a little just thinking about it. "so what, you would've only said yes if i was going to pull out all the stops?" he scoffs. the perfect reality tv relationship, he'd say, if cameras weren't watching their every move.  "just face it, naomi. there's never going to be a right time for me to ask. i bet you wouldn't have even said yes tonight, if nothing else happened. i just... sometimes i don't even know if you want it." it's more vulnerability than he'd care to show, but the rejection doesn't just hit him in his ego, but also his heart. "yeah, y'know what? you tell me when you're ready for something real, but i'm sure as hell not sleeping outside when all i've done wrong is do things when we weren't even together." secretly, he'd been hoping her hatred of bugs would win out so she doesn't sleep outside, even if they have to sleep side-by-side in bed without touching. he's going to hate every minute of going to bed without her tonight, but at least for once josh will know that it's on his terms, not naomi's. there's fire in his eyes too, when he glances back at her one last time, letting his embarrassment and wounded pride be the thing that finally walks him out the door. he needs a drink, now.

NAOMI

"when you say you acknowledge how i feel, it just seems like you want to push it under the rug and move past it as quickly as possible," she retorts, crossing her arms over her chest. normally, naomi likes how josh talks about their relationship with confidence, whenever doubt creeps into her words, he's finding ways to remind her how he sees them as a sure thing. but right now, she's annoyed by it, wishes he could wrap his head around exactly what he could lose. maybe he will, when he's by himself tonight – on his terms. "and i don't forgive you right this second," she adds, though it sounds a bit like a petulant child, stubbornly trying to fire back and conflict any point that he makes because she can. if she were to stop and think for a second, she might recognize how much of his heart that josh put on the line with his admission, too, that the way she's so careful with how she plays her cards takes its toll on him sometimes - enough of a toll that he still has to question what's going on in her head. she'll think about this a lot later, because it won't be something that's ever bothered her before. she's never wanted anyone to be able to understand her. "how is that what you got from that? no, i would've said yes if i hadn't just spent the past hour crying about what they showed on your tape! i get that it's in the past, but –" she she tries to steel herself, but she can't meet his eyes as she continues, "what you said to mali about me is the exact sort of relationship i've been afraid of having with someone. and yeah, if we weren't something real that wouldn't matter to me," there's a vehemence that grows in her voice, regaining the courage to look back at him, "but instead, that's exactly why it does." she can't shut up even as he starts walking away from her now, "and you asking me to sleep outside when i need some space after that says a lot about the kind of boyfriend you'd be!"

JOSHUA

he's already turning the corner when she's yelling at him, so king of last words, he yells back, "well good thing i'm not your fucking boyfriend!"

[jodilin65]

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 29, 1988 I fell asleep last night right after I finished writing and got up today at 11:00, then went to the Eastfield Mall with Andy. I bought a slice of mushroom pizza and a slice of cheese pizza for Andy, cuz he bought me pizza when he came over the last time.

Before we went to the mall, we went to Main St. Records, and the guy there gave me $5 for some records I sold him.

We once again ran into Bill F at the mall. We had run into him before at the Holyoke Mall. I met him when I was in a foster home.

After we were done I had Andy drop me off at Store 24 where I bought milk, bread and a few other things to hold me over till I go to Food Mart Tuesday with Phil. Thank God I have plenty of cigarettes till I get paid cuz all I have left is a few dollars.

Monday I’ll get my $50 back after I identify Nellie on film after she swiped a check from me, the motherfucker! How dumb of me to trust her!

I see that internist at 11:15. I just got my Medicaid card in the mail today. After those things are done on Monday I definitely need to try to catch up with my lawyer.

Tuesday, besides grocery shopping, I see my new therapist Mary Lou. I wonder how that will go and how she is. Probably ugly. I always get ugly therapists. I know it shouldn’t matter, but it’s harder to sit and talk to such an ugly face for nearly an hour as it would be a pretty one.

I’m just so sick of having to start over and over again with my life story to so many different people. Hopefully, she’ll be the last till I move. And I hope the shrink creates a miracle and solves my medication problems.

I’m really getting impatient about moving. I want to hurry up and get it over with. But I still don’t want to leave Andy behind. I was thinking of making him a medley of Stevie Nicks songs which is his favorite, but he says I don’t have to and that all he really wants for Chanukah is my friendship. Good enough.

I want to spend as much time as I can with my nieces when I move. And yes, Tammy too. I love being hyper and driving Tammy nuts. It’s funny. I can’t wait till Lisa gets older to teach her sign language, guitar and organ but I won’t get my hopes up too high about teaching her to sing cuz not many can or do or want to.

There’s a long time before Becky gets older. She’s so cute though. She does look like Bill and nothing like Tammy, although as I got older I came to look more and more like her in the mouth, but not the eyes. My eyes are bigger and gray-green. Tammy’s are brown-green. Pretty color, but not as big as mine. I wish mine were small and dark cuz it’s those big eyes that make me look so much like a little girl. My mouth is too small. Wish I had full lips.

Later…

I am totally bored right now waiting for Andy to call. I wonder where the hell Fran’s been, and I miss talking to Nervous.

I should’ve bought stamps today to mail my mail, and tomorrow Saratoga drug’s closed so I’ll take a walk up to Shoppers. It’ll give me something to do. The only problem with that is Emily’s gonna be there, and I just left a message on her machine saying goodbye, I’m moving, good luck with life and school. I did it cuz I’m so pissed at her for abandoning our friendship. If she asks, I wonder if I should just tell her the truth, although I’m sure it won’t do me any good. She’ll just argue and say she’s been busy and tired, but to me, that’s no excuse. She could at least make the time to call me if she truly cared.

I definitely have given up hope for a relationship. There’s just no such thing as the kind I want. Even if there were, they can’t live with me and I certainly can’t just pack up and live with them. I’d never move in with anyone cuz if things didn’t work out I’d have no place to go and if they lived with me and I kicked them out they’d either duplicate the keys or steal from me or try to beat me up or keep coming over and harassing me or calling me on the phone.

I was thinking of looking into a gay dating service I read about, figuring I could say to them this is what I want in a woman and this is what I don’t want, but no way. I’m not paying money I don’t have for an asshole, and if I got someone decent, would they be attractive at all to me?

Later…

Believe it or not, Emily just called and we had a great talk. I can understand her and how and why she’s been so busy. In the end, it’ll be well worth it and she won’t need a subsidy. The poor woman’s been working her ass off like crazy that she’s got no time for herself either. I’m gonna miss her so much when I move but it’s nice to know that if I want to come into Springfield to visit I’ve got a place to stay.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 28, 1988 I explained to my shrink how frustrated I was about how the other medication affected me. He said he understood and is giving me something else. It looks like I’ll end up having to take something addicting in the long run. I guess that’s better than taking something dangerous and even he says I’ll probably need something for quite a while longer.

Well, we’re just about coming into November which means I’ll have to do some Chanukah shopping this month. I wish I had the money to buy everyone something nice, but no, of course not. Chanukah falls on my b-day this year which sucks.

This month I’ve also got to give Philip $15 for the stereo.

Later…

Next month will be a busy month with the pledge drive starting on the 28th for Channel 57. Also, the usual errands, groceries, laundry, appointments, and court.

I wonder when Mom and Dad will fly in. Or rather drive in. Probably at the tail end of November.

I notice that when I was younger I used to write just like my sister but now I write almost like my mom. I haven’t done my calligraphy for quite some time now cuz it’s so much easier and quicker to write like this.

Next month I think I may do my gift shopping at Johnson’s Bookstore. They have so many cute gifts there and also I’d like to buy 3 or 4 journals (books with lined paper like this). This is my fourth one (journal) but the first and the third ones were a rip-off cuz there are much fewer pages in them at the price of $8 whereas this one and the second one has lots of pages for only $5 and they’re so much prettier too. Yes, I’ll go to Johnson’s. They’ve got everything at excellent prices. I’d shop tomorrow at McCrory’s in the Eastfield Mall but I’ll have no money until next Tuesday. Andy and I are going there tomorrow. He needs to go to Sears.

Andy and I are such great friends and if it weren’t for him, God knows where I’d be or who I’d have to talk to. I’d be so lonely. Even up to this day he always says, “I’m so glad you made that prank call.” Yeah, that’s how we met up again, ha, ha, ha! I pranked him and he recognized my crazy laugh even after all these years.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27, 1988 Can you believe I was on the phone with Andy for almost 3 hours? Well, I was, but that’s typical of us. I had originally called him to say I wanted to go to bed and not to call, but he cheers me up and we have such interesting conversations. We never run out of things to say.

I’m really pissed at Emily. I mean, we were so close and we used to talk on the phone several times a day and visit each other a lot, and now it’s like I don’t even know her anymore. Not since I moved here and she started school and working like crazy. She won’t even make the time to be my friend anymore, and it’s sad cuz we had a good friendship. Oh well, it’s her loss, not mine.

I wonder when it will be time for me to move. After New Year’s? Before? When will I be going to Florida? When will I break into the music business? So many questions but no answers!

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 26, 1988 Today I finished my volunteer work at Channel 57, stuffing and addressing envelopes. She thought I did such a magnificent job that she took my name and number in case she needs me for anything else.

I’ve tried to get Nervous to call me by leaving messages with his mother, but he won’t call me. To tell you the truth, I miss him and I feel so guilty cuz in a lot of ways I was just as bad as he was. He was crazy at times and a real asshole, but I really used the hell out of him and that’s probably why he won’t call me. I miss the good times and our good talks, although there were also bad times that were not my fault. Maybe I’ll mail him a letter.

Later…

I did write Nervous a letter and will wait to see if he calls me.

Andy was supposed to call me over an hour ago but hasn’t yet, and I’m sure Emily’s not home.

If not tonight, cuz I’m just so exhausted, then definitely tomorrow night I’m gonna hit the Spanish books cuz I was doing so well with that.

Friday I see my new shrink who I’ll have to tell that the Pamelor doesn’t work and it made me dizzier than all hell whenever I stood up and that the Navane’s the only thing that’ll work. But how can I keep taking it with the tardive dyskinesia problem (involuntary muscle twitches, mainly in the face and neck)?

Debbie, the asshole that admitted to me she was in therapy only for the money did terminate me and my new therapist called and scheduled an appointment with me. Her name is Mary Lou.

I definitely should’ve kept the original appointment for January in court cuz I could’ve been moved by then and I would’ve skipped it. Males are such bullies. I mean, to arrest someone for a stupid phone call? See, I prank-called my old phone number and it turns out a cop has the number now. So I had to pay $15 to bail out a few hours later after sitting in a cell, alone, thank God. Oh, and after the cop threatened me. He said I threatened his mother in one of the calls and that I was lucky he didn’t know where I lived at the time. So it’s ok for him to threaten me, but it’s not ok for me to threaten anyone.

Coincidentally enough, I’ve been getting sexually harassing phone calls, and I know it’s either him or someone he knows. They think they’re so smart and so tough, them cops. And invincible.

But also, I’ve been getting calls for longer where they just hang up or stay on the phone for a few minutes. Could it be Nervous? I doubt he’d ever admit to it if it is. It doesn’t bother me, though.

Last night Andy came over and brought his picture collection of Charlie’s Angels. I was like - wow! He even had my favorite picture of all 3 in white shirts with a red background sitting at a table with a vase of red roses! I remembered every single picture and in such detail. He’ll only let me keep them for a week or two. Says he can’t get rid of them or give them to me.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 25, 1988 I just finished singing to my stereo which Philip brought back this afternoon and it sounds great!

I am presently waiting for Andy to come over with some French bread pizza and pictures of Charlie’s Angels which I’m quite curious to see and see if I remember any of the pictures that I had years ago. No doubt I’ll recognize quite a few.

Also, I’m in the mood to make prank phone calls with him. I need a good laugh. Something to cheer me up and make me smile. I’ve been so bored today cuz I had to sit around all day and wait for the fucking inspector. But this inspector we have that comes around is very attractive. The kind I’d like to have.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 24, 1988 I did some volunteer work today at Channel 57 and enjoyed it very much. I addressed envelopes which I must finish tomorrow, then stuff them with papers. Hopefully, it won’t take too long so I can call about apartments and see my lawyer about this new bullshit phone call case. I want to do some laundry too.

I’ve got to go try to call Andy, though he might be sleeping.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 23, 1988 I still haven’t been feeling all that great with my nose all stuffed up and I’ve been getting very dizzy when I stand up quickly, and also, I still have these spells where I suddenly become feverish. Still not much of an appetite either. I am supposed to see an internist on the 31st but I lost my Medicaid card so hopefully, the new card will come early, or they’ll see me and let me bring my new card in as soon as I receive it in the mail.

Andy called and told me he told his mother we’re still friends and why. She knew about it when I first called his house, but she didn’t know we became friends. I guess she wasn’t thrilled with the idea at first simply because I’m Dureen O’s daughter.

He also had a talk with my mom, and he said that she said that I’ve got a sweet voice but that he shouldn’t encourage me to be a singer cuz she doesn’t feel I’ve got what it takes, and not to encourage me to live out my fantasies which are unhealthy. Andy said he disagreed 100%. Andy said if a person gave up all their dreams they’d be miserable.

My mother will never understand or accept me for the way I am. My dreams and fantasies are what keeps me happy and going. When you’re lonely you’ve got to fantasize that you’re special and someone’s here to love you as long as you can distinguish it from reality. And if I couldn’t face reality or be realistic then I don’t think I’d have survived for 3 years on my own all by myself. And when are they going to understand that just cuz I’d like to be a singer doesn’t mean I want to be famous? Not every singer has to be famous and I don’t think I’m ready or could handle fame for a long time.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 22, 1988 I’m so pissed at Philip! My stereo is ready after being cleaned and I couldn’t reach him. What an asshole! See how irresponsible males are? Tomorrow’s Sunday so I can’t get it until next week.

Today’s not my day. Carabetta says that regardless of the doctor’s note, cats are not allowed and I need to get rid of her or they’ll evict me. I guess Tammy’s gonna take her and I also told Tammy that they’ll never allow me to keep her in Norwich so I asked her to keep Sasha permanently as a gift to all of the family from me.

I can’t have anything. No love. No money. No singing career. No animals. It seems things will never change and that this is the life that’s in the cards for me and that I am surely being punished.

So I smile and lie to myself and say, “Life will get better.”

Yeah, right!

Later…

I am starting this book the same day I finished the previous one about the awful day I’ve been having so far.

I’m so bored right now and later on, I should do more of a paint-by-number I’m doing for my nieces and I definitely should study my Spanish. It’s just that I’ve been so lazy to do anything but pace in and out of each room.

I’m desperately dying for romance and love but I know that’s not right or practical. To have a beautiful, kind, loving woman is fantasy, not reality. Sometimes I wish to God I was straight. I wish I could be attracted to a man the way I have been with women but they’re such jerks. Male or female, all I get are assholes. The good ones are either taken or just not interested in me. I’ve been so hurt so much in my life that if I got someone decent I’d probably scare them away. Decent or not I know I’ll never have someone I’m sexually attracted to, male or female. It’s only once in a lifetime I’m attracted to someone and it’s always someone I can’t have. Guess I have to settle for second best all my life. An ugly jerk. I wish I could stop my mind and body from crying out so desperately for love. I wish I could just be happy being alone all my life. It would give me such pride to be able to say I made it through life alone. To be independent. To support my own self. It would be great and that way no one could ever hurt me or say I hurt them.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 17, 1988 I am sitting in the kitchen waiting for Philip to come and get my stereo. I think he’s here now. I’ve had my stereo for 3 years and it really needs a good cleaning job.

I haven’t written for a while, so to start with, I met Maria. She came over that night and then she decided she didn’t want me for a girlfriend cuz I was too short and too pushy by asking her to stay overnight. But I thought that that’s what you were supposed to do.

Then once again, I told myself how much easier it is to just stay alone, as I lose the decent people and attract only assholes. So I decided to stay this way. I really have gotten used to it and have learned to like it. This way no one can steal from me or play with my head or abuse me in any way.

Later…

It’s gonna cost $25 for my stereo to be cleaned and another $12 for a new needle, which won’t be in until next week, though the stereo will be ready Friday. For now, I’m using the boom box.

Earlier I called Maria at work wanting her to return the barrette that she used to put her hair up with the night we met and accidentally walked out with. It’s also an excuse to see her. I’m really sure I’m wasting my time, though, cuz she’s already made up her mind that she doesn’t want to be my girlfriend, or else she’d have called or come over a long time ago. I can’t change her mind and I can’t make her want me. She’s not an asshole. She’s very decent and that’s why she’s not interested in me. I always fuck up when it comes to the decent people by being either too shy or too pushy.

She said she’d call me back after work between 5:00 - 5:30. So far no call. She also said, “We’ll figure out a way to try to get that barrette back to you.” Jeez, why can’t she just drive over with it? She’ll probably give it to someone to give to me to avoid seeing me. I hope she doesn’t give it to Bev. I don’t trust Bev.

Speaking of Bev, I wonder where she and Maria stand. Is Maria interested in her still? What about Maria’s 4-year boyfriend with whom she won’t have sex cuz she doesn’t believe in that before marriage? Will she ever admit she’s gay and seek a relationship with a woman? I guess it’s a waste of time trying to figure out the answers to these questions, and it’s just about 5:30 and still no call and I highly doubt there will be a call.

Next week sometime Philip and I are going to go look at other apartments as I’ve decided I just might be better off staying here in Springfield. I just don’t always get along with Tammy, and how can she help me with my singing when she knows nothing about the music business? I can’t leave Andy. He’s the only one who can help me and he wants to and we’ve become so close. We need each other’s friendship so badly. We have so much in common.

[lserver362reviews]

While I haven't seen all of the Disney "live-action" remakes I'm going to say I think this is the best one and should not disappoint any fan of The Little Mermaid (1989). As soon as the title came on screen I got chills just from reflecting what the original means to me over the previous days leading up to seeing this and seeing this fresh take with real people. Not shortly after that I was missing Avatar 2 and realized just how good that CGI is. The CGI throughout was solid enough but there were definitely some weird places (Eric swinging on a mast rope, the explosions in the grotto). Then I saw Javier Bardem and was absolutely shocked as I did not know he was in this, and boy did I laugh, and I didn't stop laughing whenever he was on screen. Why is he in this? He looked so silly in the end with the blankest of expressions and the wettest of hair. Funniest part of the film for me, hands down. The pacing overall was real slow but in a way where the cinematography was also too chaotic 80% of the time. I just wanted to be able to take more in in each scene. I loved the island kingdom (Barbados?) and the day in the market was of course still my favorite part. I did really like the new music there but was a little wistful for that original theme to come in in some way (www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGgDjmv5X08&list=OLAK5uy_kdasrLkkCnSUzHNU0EL3Jub5WyEMdnkYY&index=16). Kiss the Girl was a highlight and particularly well adapted to this version. Throughout this, Eric really grew on me, and I liked how we got his wants and back story. His study really made me think of the library from Beauty and the Beast. Halle Bailey as Ariel was a really really good choice but in places she felt a little too green, in some ways that worked well for Ariel's naivety and wide-eyed wonder, but other times it just felt like a subdued performance and then caused really contrasting dynamics (and I do mean that in regards to her acting as well was the singing itself). I have my qualms about losing a bit of the showtune broadway sound I'm accustomed to because she doesn't have that background, but I recognize that this is completely a me problem. I hope her versions mean to kids what Jodi Benson's meant to me and that they wear out whatever version of a cassette tape they have now, like I did listening to the soundtrack. I don't think as a kid I would've been able to relate to a voice that technical and doing those runs! (BUT maybe it's not about me, and insert the Broadway-so-white discourse here) BUT as soon as Halle said, "C'mon, Flounder, don't be such a guppy," she had me and once again, I had chills. She was a really good Ariel. I just wish this hadn't been her debut starring role (excited to see what she does next!). I really liked the costume choices (those tails, Eric's hat, all the dresses, the hair) although I wish they had recreated the date day dress from the animated film. The added songs were mostly poorly written, except For the First Time. That was a really nice addition. I wish we got a bit more of the relationship between Ariel and her dad, but I liked the relation of Ursula to Triton. Once again I ask, how does he have so many kids? and does this make Flotsam and Jetsam Ariel's cousins? I thought Melissa McCarthy did a great job and I don't know if I should've been so surprised really. I wish they had gotten a better makeup designer, read a drag queen, because I'm just left to wonder if they purposely made her eyebrows all janked up in order for her to be less beautiful? But she did what need to be done and it wasn't her fault for the dialogue and lines that got taken out (i.e. weirdly sanitized). I was very surprised that they kept the final battle scene fairly beat for beat to the original (scary!). I thought Disney didn't kill their villains anymore! I do wish that we understood what the heck was going on in her soul garden in this one a bit more, and why was she fighting with her own tentacles? (I'm asking dumb questions now-remember: kids movie). The fantastical sea creatures and the regular sea creatures were very muddled in general to me. Also getting rid of ALL the ensemble moments was unforgivable. Under the Sea is for an ensemble!!!! I did like the visuals in that sequence though. But in the wise words of Patti Labelle during the 1996 National Tree Lighting, "Where my background singers???" Some of the shots that recreated moments from the original, like the hair flip out of the water against the sun or the big moment on the rock, just hit at me as strange. I'll try to unpack what I mean by that at some point. The enduring legacy of Howard Ashman and Alan Menken really make this movie a hard one to mess up (although Lin must be stopped) and I found it a little bittersweet that Howard's dedication was almost hidden, way down, under all the credits (Please watch Howard on Disney+). Out of curiosity I did compare (I know, I know, I should stop right there) Part of Your World (OG: www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXKlJuO07eM and New: www.youtube.com/watch?v=kf7Dss2gCe0 ) and I think it speaks for the whole movie itself, in that, this new version is so much slower. The original movie clips along and I really missed the original songs per minute ratio during my watch of this. I think that kind of messed with the whole tone of the movie. I don't think it settled on a tone where there's a balance of being a musical and telling a story outside the music. I like the story changes here but I wonder if it's a problem of gravitas. For (the biggest) example: the Hans Christian Andersen quote at the beginning-really, I get that it's the original original source material, but this run time is too long to try to infuse some sort of it's about the story not the music, when really the story is in the music! Give me more music and get to it faster! At the end of the day it's a story about wanting more, not just adventure per se, but to belong in the space that is full of wonder, curiosity, and love for this experience that we are gifted only once. The folks at the Austin Danger Podcast did a lovely and very eloquent review that lines up with a lot of my experience watching this film (at a 6:30 PM showing with my best friend that I met on the bus to Kindergarten, with children reacting all around us): podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-little-mermaid-2023/id1605702441?i=1000616640386

[jimskeen]

An essay on regrets, of which I've had too many.

I spend a lot of time – perhaps too much time – thinking about mistakes I’ve made in my life. The honest mistakes I can forgive; it’s the mistakes of character than I cannot let go.

The earliest one I can remember – and the one that gnaws at my conscience the most – occurred in elementary school. I was walking down a hallway with a friend when Beth, a gangly, freckled redhead with a short bob haircut, was walking towards us. My friend started called Beth “Godzilla” and pressed himself against the wall as he passed her. Me, being a total jackass, did the same. Later in class, our teacher said that Beth was in the office, crying. She told us about how it was tough for Beth because her mother had passed, that she and her dad were just getting by, that Beth often had to make her own clothes. I’ve been walking on this planet more years than I care to reveal, and I can tell you without a doubt I never felt so small in my life.

Looking back at this episode I’m appalled at my gall to judge someone else’s beauty. Who the hell am I? Cary Grant? Brad Pitt? Oh, hell no. I’m reminded of the lyric from the Sparks song Johnny Delusional: “Some might find me borderline attractive from afar

But afar is not where I can stay and there you are.”

Is being thick headed at times a character flaw? Surely a lack of courage is, and also, I think, not being in tune with those around you. My next big regret was not being alert to the feelings of a girl, Samantha Wilson, in junior high school. We sat together in the back of math class, talking when the teacher wasn’t looking, passing notes, having a laugh, and, occasionally, I’d help her with math problems. What I didn’t notice, and didn’t realize until decades later, was that she “liked” me in that junior high school way of early romance. I liked her too but was too afraid to say anything. And so we sat, side by side, each in a state of what we thought was unrequited love.

I have many other regrets – not studying harder (or at all) in school, taking way too long to finally go to college, not asking the Army recruiter about journalism jobs (picking military police instead, leading to yet another regret – being a terrible MP), and, well, too many others to mention.

So many cases of “would’ve, could’ve, should’ve,” what comedian Gary Gulman calls the Holy Trinity of Regret.

So, what to do with all of this regret? Well, I’m trying to do what pro football players do after losing a game – look at the film, analyze the mistakes, and try not to repeat them.

When we first see a person, all of us make snap judgments regarding their physical appearance. We make judgments about their looks, whether they appear to be someone of means – in short, whether they would be a good mate (in the reproductive sense of the word). That’s buried in our genetic code. But after that quick evaluation, we need to look deeper, or at least I do. You might be doing that already, being of better character than me. The world is rich in differences of appearance, and I should try to marvel at that, rather than being a boorish judge of looks.

As a professional wordsmith, I need to remember that words are powerful tools that should build someone up, rather being used as a weapon of thoughtless, cruel abuse. I am a craftsman of words and, if I may paraphrase Stan Lee’s Spiderman, with great power comes great responsibility.

In short, I’m trying – perhaps not always succeeding – to be a better person.

I’m also trying to be thankful of where this meandering path through life has led me. I’m in a very happy place. I have a wife whom I adore – which I will tell to anyone who stands still long enough for me to do so. The two of us have three lovely daughters and six great grandchildren. Despite all the regrets, would I change anything that could result in losing that? No, of course not.

For my family and friends, perhaps I should embrace the Edith Piaf song “Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien.”

Non, je ne regrette rien (no, I regret nothing)

Car ma vie, car mes joies (because my life, because my joy)

Aujourd’hui ca commence avec toi (today it begins with you)

For your listening pleasure, Edith Piaf and Sparks

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ixdvm8-MdUs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCxLpte5loY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5jtqCo43WM

#Regret #Sparks #EdithPiaf #kindness

[db-reviews]

#156 - Motorpsycho Presents The International Tussler Society - Motorpsycho (2004)

By technicality, this is not a Motorpsycho album but rather The International Tussler Society album, but make no mistake, this album is 100% the same Motorpsycho that created Timothy’s Monster or Phanerothyme. This album came about as a sequel to their original soundtrack for the 1994 film of The Tussler. Unlike their first strokes in the whole country genre, this album would turn out a lot more baked in the oven prior, and thus after 10 years later, the band managed to not only refine their old country blues sound from The Tussler, but also get way more creative in their output.

If you want to compare the original Tussler to The International Tussler Society, you get the textbook example of comparing a rice grain to a full sized meal. This album honestly improves so much on The Tussler’s original sound that for me this is the definitive country album Motorpsycho has written. My problems with The Tussler was that it wasn’t as ambitious with its display of sound, and that the re-recordings of older tracks from Demon Box. Safe to say that Motorpsycho definitely stretched their reach more on this output.

Creatively, we get some stellar original alt country tracks that feel like the band harnessing their old energy from the 90s. I always liked when bands look back on their sounds for a release to move forward, and I think this album really does show off what made Motorpsycho themselves in the 90s. These songs are jamming, ambitious, and really fun, so much so that even if you don’t like the country, you can still probably get enjoyment out of this release.

I must say though that this album was kinda hard to really get into since I do not like country music all that much, but I do admit with a gradual listening experience I soon found some fondness for the album, especially tracks like Satan’s Favorite Song and September. Though, some tracks don’t hit as hard. Back in your Bed, Laila Lou, and Cassie (Call on Me) just never really popped out for me, and not to say they are bad but those tracks just never got the same amount of excitement for me as other tracks. It is a fairly dense album, so it wouldn’t be too surprising to find a few duds in an otherwise good album.

Motorpsycho didn’t just present, they gave this album its own theater. This album showcases what The Tussler should’ve been, a clear, zealous album with its own original songs and a cool flavor of alternative rock and alternative country, creating this sense of nostalgia for the 90s days of the band’s career. It is an admirable piece of art that showcases the wild west in all its glory.

4.5/5

[dyk3medown]

hey lovely! I have a robin request haha 😄

I'm thinking maybe reader is a cheerleader and kind of popular but she's not the mean type and is more of a nice go everyone type? and reader has been pulled into the upside down stuff and robin confesses to liking reader when they're alone due to being stressed about reader possibly getting hurt?

I'm sorry for how frantic and messy this request is I for some reason can't word things well at the moment 😅.

<3 thanks love!!

Confessions

robin buckley x reader

summary: robin ends up in the upside down with the cheerleader she's been pining over for years

warnings: fem!reader, some allusions to period-typical homophobia, there’s a small injury, gals being gay

a/n: i may have been a bit too confident in my abilities when I was asking for request considering nowadays my writing experience is almost exclusively academic papers but here we go anyway! i really hope you enjoy this <3

edit: i just realized this is my first ever real fic so go me!! let’s go lesbians!!

Robin Buckley was obsessed with Y/N L/N. From the moment you walked through the gym’s double doors to come practice the big routine with the band, she couldn’t take her eyes off you. In all honesty, she was kind of in love.

It would’ve been a lot easier for her to deal with her feelings if you had done what she assumed you would do, which was ignore her. To her dismay, Robin quickly discovered that you intended to do nothing of the sort.

Unlike most of the other cheerleaders, you actually interacted with the band at joint practices, occasionally wandering over to the bleachers and striking up conversations when you had a break. You took the time to learn everyone’s names and seemed genuinely interested in what people had to say, even when it involved musical terminology that you were clueless about.

It seemed like something out of some cheesy movie. The band kid falling for the cheerleader? Aisle 7-b of Family Video had at least three films with the exact same plot.

As much as Robin might have wished it so, in real life, cliches like that just didn’t happen, especially if the lead roles were both girls. Looking back, maybe it wasn’t too unrealistic, considering the horror movie you had found yourselves trapped in.

Following a blurred and panic-filled series of events, you had managed to land yourself in what Robin called “The Upside Down.”

Almost immediately, you were swarmed by what looked like demonic bats, and one of them had managed to attach itself to your leg, leaving a wound that was steadily oozing blood.

After Robin ripped the creature off of you, the two of you managed to fight off the initial swarm before running and finding cover. Robin tried her best to give you an abridged version of everything that had happened behind the scenes in Hawkins the past few years, and, all things considered, you were taking it quite well.

Robin, on the other hand, was almost hysterical.

The two of you huddled under a large fallen tree, using a torn strip of Robin’s shirt to wrap your wound. Her hands shook as she applied the makeshift bandage, and you hissed in pain as she tied it off.

Robin winced at the sound, apologizing frantically. “(Y/N), I’m so sorry, you never should’ve been dragged into this-” “Robin,” you started. “-It’s all my fault I c-” “Robin.” “Shit, I’m so so sorry-“ “Robin!” You reached forward and gently cupped her cheek in one hand, making her look at you.

“None of this is your fault,” you assured her, looking directly into her eyes.

She tried to speak again, but you cut her off. “Listen to me. Whatever messed up shit is happening right now, none of it is on you. Robin, you saved my life.”

You suddenly realized how close you had gotten. Your faces were only inches apart, close enough for you to count the freckles that dotted across her nose. You let your hand drop from her face, suddenly very nervous.

You normally had no problem with confidence, nervousness being a rather foreign feeling, but there was something about the girl in front of you that gave you butterflies in your stomach.

“I can’t let anything happen to you,” Robin said quietly. “You’re too important and good, and god (Y/N), I’ve liked you for so long and I know you’ll never feel the same way and I can’t believe i’m telling you this now but if we don’t make it out I just wanted you to know-”

You surged forward and pressed your lips to hers, effectively putting an end to her rambling. She remained frozen for a few seconds as if in shock before melting into it, eagerly kissing you back. You teased her bottom lip with the tip of your tongue, and she gasped, the prettiest sound you’d ever heard. You wanted more of those noises; you wanted to hear all of them, to make her whine and moan and fucking scream.

Your parents would kill you if they could see you right now, and you couldn’t imagine what your friends would think, but all that mattered in the moment was Robin.

Robin, who made sarcastic comments at practice that always managed to crack you up. Robin, who never shut up in the most endearing way. Robin, whose lips were so soft against yours.

You broke apart after a few more moments, panting, a giddy smile painting both your faces.

“I like you too, if that wasn’t obvious.” “Yeah?” Robin beamed at you. “Yeah.”

Robin snorted as the absurdity of the situation set in. “You know I always imagined our first kiss would be somewhere nicer.”

You giggled lightly. “Not exactly first date material, right?”

“I’d really like to take you out. On a date, I mean.” Robin laughed nervously. “I mean only if you want to, I understand if you don’t want to be seen with me in public or anything.”

A roar rang out in the distance, and you both jumped.

“Let’s get out of here first, and I’d love nothing more.”

[dalekofchaos]

Why Poe and Rose’s positions in TLJ should’ve been switched and why Finn and Poe NEEDED to be together

You know what would’ve made the whole Canto Bight sequence even better? If it had been Finn and Poe. 

Why? Here’s the problem with Rose. Finn, a CHILD SOLDIER doesn’t need explaining that war and slavery are bad.  You know who needed to understand the lesson that war and slavery are bad? POE! You know who could have taught him that and had a similar falling in love storyline? FINN!  

And honestly? Rose should’ve been the one who had the big confrontation with Holdo. 

If you read the novel TLJ:Cobalt Squadron. You will know it ends with Rose serving on Holdo's ship the Ninka. Now imagine this. Rose just lost her sister and Holdo is withholding information that is vital to the Resistance’s survival. Rose is kept in the dark and believes this will be the end of everything and doesn’t want Paige’s sacrifice to be in vain. So Rose covers Finn and Poe’s escape to Canto Bight and works with Connix and those loyal to Poe and leads a mutiny against Holdo. Remember. Holdo didn’t just leave Poe in the dark, she left THE ENTIRE RESISTANCE in the dark.  So Rose would lead the mutiny and Leia would awaken to stop her, only Leia would not stun her. Leia would talk Rose down, ya know, like Leia would actually do.

Imagine this. Instead of Canto Bight, we see Finn and Poe going to First Order labor camp to free the Master Codebreaker. On the journey, we see Finn telling Poe about his upbringing. About vivid memories of someone dying to keep him safe and being taken by The First Order.  We see Finn and Poe differ for their philosophies. Finn sees The First Order as monsters, but believes there is a chance that there could be more Stormtroopers like him to leave. Poe sees Stormtroopers all the same, but recognizes that Finn was the only one brave enough to say no. 

So Finn witnesses more children being taken by The First Order. Poe’s eyes are on freeing The Master Codebreaker and getting out, but sees an opening to destroying the entire camp while saving the Codebreaker. Finn refuses to let anymore children be taken to be made Stormtroopers and won’t allow Poe to kill the kids in the camp.  So Finn and Poe clash, Finn about saving the kids and suggesting not all Stormtroopers are the same and have the capability to leave, Poe believing all Stormtroopers are cogs in the machine and saving The Resistance is more important than saving a small group of kids and we finally get to see Finn confront Poe about killing his friend Slip. “Do you know why I finally had enough and left? The only friend I had in the Stormtrooper corps was killed on Jakku. Do you know who killed him? You did Poe. He marked me with his blood and then I realized...we’re firing on innocent civilians. We never had a choice. Everyone of us could run from The FIrst Order or even fight, but you don’t see it that way. It’s kill or be killed. This is why I wanted to run away, this isn’t my war, this war TOOK EVERYTHING from me” Poe feels remorse and is taken aback,  until Poe sees that everyone in the camp....they’re all children. He sees the children being forced to become Stormtroopers and The Master Codebreaker...is nonother than Lando Calrissian.

And finally Poe goes “okay new plan buddy, we’re gonna rescue everyone here and burn the place to the ground”

Having Finn and Poe being the ones on adventures gives us more depth to their relationship

We have Finn opening Poe’s eyes to the true atrocities of The First Order

Poe at first is stuck in his ways, but realize there is something more important than blowing up the bad guys

Finn’s character and past isn’t ignored and we don’t have someone talking down to him on why war and slavery are bad

Finn gets to confront Poe about Slip

This would prove Rian was wrong. There was potential to send Finn and Poe on an adventure that could challenge their relationship and help them grow as characters

While we still have a tense dynamic, we have a relationship that is based on love and understanding instead of constant bickering and tazing

We have gay representation in Star Wars

As for why Lando? Let’s look at Maz’s description for the Master Codebreaker "He's a master codebreaker, an ace pilot, a poet with a blaster." That sure does sound like fucking Lando to me. It still baffles me that they gave us a casino planet in TLJ but then chose to not include Lando in that setting although he was introduced as a gambler back in TESB. Lando informs them both that Lando got a tip that The First Order could track through hyperspace and was on the way to help The Resistance, but they captured him. And after saving the kids and taking them to safety, Finn, Poe and Lando are on their way to disabled the hyperspace tracker. We also get to see Lando and FInn both grieve for Han. So yes, Lando would be able to disable the Hyperspace tracker, but Phasma would catch them on their way to the escape pods. And Phasma’s death would be the deleted death scene and be the starting point for the Stormtrooper rebellion.

It would be Poe who would be the one trying to sacrifice himself. Poe has spent the entire film watching others die and give their lives and he’s never backed down and he’s learned that what this war has wrought on the galaxy.  But Finn saves him. I don’t think Finn would have the same speech. Maybe Finn could say this. "It isn't worth winning, if we lose ourselves in hate and can't save who we love." And then Finn kisses Poe. 

It's not worth fighting if Poe is going to die because Finn no longer cares the most about running away with Rey, Finn has fallen in love with Poe. This piece of knowledge gives an entirely different context to the scene, especially when you realize the dialogue was just poorly written to convey the intended message, "this war isn't worth winning without you" and ironically this theme is extremely prevalent when it comes to war. Most people aren't fighting for an ambiguous entity like The Republic or The Resistance, they're fighting for someone special. Han wasn't there for The Rebellion, he was there for Luke and Leia. Look at any war movie or talk to real-life soldiers, they've got picture of their wives, girlfriends or children that they carry with them, most of them are not fighting for their respective nation or what they believe in, but for who they love.