#look we as consumers of art if we truly enjoy the art should be upset by this

[g1rlr0b1n]

Who is still liking their stuff?! They are literally saying "I stole this and am passing it off on my own". It takes me 5 seconds of scrolling to figure that out!

Man’s really pinned the post LMAO

“Original art”

whoever y’all liked it r a bit dumb if u don’t see the watermark

[gingercauldron]

Quiet Brilliance (Spencer Reid x BAU! Reader)

A/N: Here is my offering to the Criminal Minds fandom. Also this is my first time really writing fanfic? Just really wanted to have Spencer impressed by the reader and fall in love with them. So I hope you enjoy!! This is totally not an excuse to somehow make random stuff I’ve read about relevant in BAU cases lol

Pairing: Spencer Reid x BAU! Reader

Synopsis: Spencer notices how intelligent you really are, as well as how shy you are about it. He can’t stop thinking about you, your brilliance, and how much he just wants to hold you.

Warnings: None really, just fluff, and normal Criminal Minds content

Wordcount: 1.9k

No one in the BAU seemed to give you enough credit.

Not that it was their intention, of course, but Dr. Spencer Reid could not help but notice all of the times that your quiet brilliance went by as unremarkable. He might have had an eidetic memory, carrying a labyrinthine of facts and figures in his head - but you knew things that even he had not come across. He could tell that you were a researcher, that you would explore through files for knowledge because you wanted to.

When Spencer would pull a fact or statistic out of the air, you would be listening raptly. On several occasions you would scribble something down afterwards, and it made Spencer’s heart swell. This was how he first became so attuned to you when you joined the team. After that, he made sure to observe you.

He noticed that you would duck your head into files of each case, going through detail after detail with a furrowed brow. You would write in a frantic scrawl on post-it notes as a cue to do further research.

The most endearing part of it all, was that you would do the same thing even if there wasn’t a case. You would carry a tome with you, with the tails of post-it flaps coming out the side, each one crowded with writing. You were smart, Spencer learned, and he wondered why it wasn’t seen as big of an asset as it truly was to the team.

At first he could pretend that his interest was merely for the good of the team, learning more about you and what you were capable of. Obviously you were hired for a reason, likely your careful observations and sharp psychological profiling — but there was so much more. Spencer was finding it harder to pretend that this interest was not at all motivated by the affection that was developing for you.

He had three PhDs and was the so-called “resident genius,” but he wondered if you could give him a run for his money. The thing was, because you were quiet and private, he didn’t know — and that in itself was exciting.

On one case where you were observing the body at the scene, a particularly strange case where the jaw of the victim had swelled with tumors, you quickly told everyone to back up.

“What is it?” Hotch asked.

“It looks like possible radiation poisoning because of how localized the tumors are — like the unsub had the victim consume radium.” You said. “I could be wrong, of course. We could check her teeth.”

“Teeth?” Morgan asked.

Spencer quickly replied. “Radium has properties that make it glow in the dark, it was used as a novelty for that reason well into the 1970’s before restrictions were placed on it, actually. If the victim had been ingesting radium it is possible her teeth might glow. In 1938 a case was settled where a group factory workers sued their employment because they had been encouraged to lick paintbrushes covered in radium in the course of their work, resulting in massive tumours around the neck and jaw.”

“And the factory workers had tumours like this?” Hotch asked. He was asking Spencer now, not you.

“Remarkably similar.” Spencer replied.

Spencer glanced at you, but it didn’t seem to bother you that he had jumped in. In fact, the only that seemed to be upsetting to you was the fact that the unsub was on the loose.

“I’ll call some radiologists in.” Hotch said, already lifting the phone to his ear.

It turned out, that you were right. It was in fact radium, and you made sure that the team was safe by telling them to keep their distance from the body. The radiation levels on the body were dangerous.

On the plane home from that case Spencer had sat beside you, and he couldn’t stop thinking about your astute observation. You smiled up at him when he settled next to you, looking back down at the book in your lap.

“Hey, Y/N?”

You looked back up at him. “Yeah, Spencer?”

“That was a good catch with the radium.”

“Oh, that. Thank you.” You beamed. “But you would have caught it if I hadn’t.”

Would he? With all of the gruesome things he had seen they all morphed together, he wasn’t sure that he would have jumped to radium, of all things, as quickly as you had. That he would have been as cautious in avoiding the body to investigate if you hadn’t said something.

“I mean it. It was good catch. It was pretty brilliant, actually.”

“Thanks, Spence.” You said softly.

He knew he should let you get back to your book that was covered in post-it notes, but there was a thought that kept nagging at him. “Y/N?” He said again.

“Yeah?”

“Did it — did I overstep when you were telling the team about the radiation? Because if I did—”

“No, I got to stop you there. You helped. I’d rather not have the attention.”

He furrowed his brow, but didn’t say anything more, letting you return to your book.

After that it seemed that the rest of the team was starting to pick up on your fierce intelligence, too. It was hard to ignore the books you carried with you, but Spencer thought it would have been impossible to not notice you. Not just because you were utterly beautiful, but because everything about your mind was captivating.

Morgan remarked on it when you found a pattern in the artwork of a string of victims’ homes. The artwork looked nothing alike, but you picked it up.

“This painting.” You said, pointing at it. “It’s German expressionist.”

“Okay?” Morgan said.

“It could be nothing, but the last victim had a print of German artwork in their home — it was from the dada movement — but they’re both from the same time period. The other two victims had books on the Bauhaus — an influential German design school that operated between the first and second world wars.” You explained. “I wouldn’t have said anything, but the average joe wouldn’t have German post-World War One art. All of our victims are interested in the same time period for art — seems like too much of a coincidence.”

Morgan stared at you.

“What?” You asked sheepishly.

“Did Reid just possess you for a moment there? How’d you know all that?”

You shrugged and changed the subject. “I’ll call Garcia and see if she can connect the victims through local art groups or galleries.”

Morgan stared at you as you walked off, phoning Garcia. Spencer came up beside him and squinted at the painting on the wall.

“I think I know how the victims might be connected.” Spencer said to Morgan, analyzing the painting.

“The art?”

Spencer looked at Morgan in surprise. “You know about German art?”

Morgan snorted and shook his head. He gestured to you. “Y/N is calling up Garcia right now. Can’t imagine how she knew anything about it.”

Spencer furrowed his brow. “I knew it, though.”

“Exactly.” Morgan patted Spencer’s shoulder and left to talk to Hotch.

You put the phone down and turned noticing Spencer looking at you. You smiled when you saw him. He loved the way you smiled at him, as if he was the only other person in the entire world. He felt his heart rate increase and new, scientifically speaking, that he was completely infatuated with you.

“Garcia found a connection.” You told him.

You said nothing to him of the connections you had made first, but it made him appreciate the fact that he knew all the more. You downplayed your accomplishments. He wanted nothing more than to be by your side so that he could learn about every one of them.

Rossi noticed during a case, when Spencer was reading one of the unsub’s journals. Flipping through the book quickly and absorbing the information.

“Hard to believe the kid can read that fast sometimes.” Rossi said to you. “He reads 20,000 words per minute.”

“It’s over 60 times the norm. He’s pretty amazing.” You said back.

“The norm?”

You nodded. “Yeah, average adult reads between 200 to 300 words per minute, he reads around 333 words per second.”

“You some kind of whiz kid, too?” Rossi asked.

You scoffed. “Hardly. I just read a lot.”

“So does Reid.”

“You know what I mean.” And with that you left Rossi, effectively stopping the conversation.

Spencer smiled, having overheard you two. Whether you wanted to or not, you would slip little bits of information that show just how much you were thinking. You couldn’t hide your mind completely, and Spencer couldn’t stop thinking about what conversations would ensue in just spending a day with you alone.

Your voice saying he’s pretty amazing kept playing in his head and he could feel his face flush. Did you know how that sounded? You thought he, of all people, was amazing - not his brain, or his skills, but him. Did you mean it to sound like that?

Rossi turned to Spencer. “You know your face is red.” He said.

Spencer stared at Rossi, but he couldn’t make his mouth form any words. A grin spread across Rossi’s face, reading Spencer like a book.

“It’s okay Doctor, I won’t tell anyone.” Rossi said, and got back to his own work.

The rest of the day Spencer could hardly focus on anything, constantly aware of where you were in the bullpen - or distracted when you left the bullpen to see Garcia because that meant you were gone. He tried to keep his head down and look at evidence, but you were so close and you thought that he was pretty amazing, and it was nearly impossible to think about anything else. By the time he felt satisfied enough with the work he had done that day to maybe pack up it was already dark out.

Spencer saw you reading at your desk in the bullpen. Everyone had gone home already, but you were there scribbling notes down. When Spencer neared your desk he saw the book, a book he had been reading two days ago.

You looked up and smiled at him in surprise, with those dazzling eyes of yours. You pushed your hair behind your ear and all that Spencer could think about was what it would feel like to touch.

“Hi, Spence.” You said. “What’s up?”

Spencer swallowed, and his world came to a standstill. The words came out of his mouth before he could stop them. “I think I love you.” His eyes suddenly went wide when he realized what he had said.

He turned around on his heel and rushed towards the door. He could hear your chair scratch against the floor and you called out.

“Spencer!”

He stilled, his hand on the door. He wanted to run, to get as far away and hopefully have you forget about it and not lose your friendship. He never wanted to disappoint you or make you uncomfortable, but he couldn’t turn his back on you either. He turned his head slowly, afraid to see your face.

You didn’t look angry. You had a small shy smile on your face.

“I think I love you, too.”

He dropped his hand from the door. “You do?”

You nodded. “I do.”

He laughed, feeling giddy. “I can’t stop thinking about you.” He confessed. “About your kindness and your brilliance, and just, you. I just — can I kiss you?”

“Why, Dr. Spencer Reid, I would like nothing more.”

That was all he needed before he was across the room, holding your face in his hands and kissing you. Spencer, with his eidetic memory, could not remember having ever been so happy.

[leakyrocktarot]

What jimin said makes me so sad because, all of the kindest people of this world feel that way, so many of us enjoy taking care of others, to the point that people forget we want to be taken care of too

While I do agree with you on that, I feel like it goes deeper than just taking care of others and then forgetting you want to be taken care of.

I can’t speak directly from Jimins perspective as I am not him, but based on what he’s said- the energy of the celebs I’ve read, and what other celebs especially kpop idols say. It’s more so the art of not being seen as human, and more so being seen as consumable content.  when I think about it, the feeling I get is more so being seen as this Internet personality rather than your true personality. People only caring about what you can offer to them, or the continent that they can get from you, rather than how your truly doing or how your truly feeling. There was an instance that happened with Mitski her concert where she made a Twitter post about how  seeing the crowd field of people looking at the screens rather than living in the moment makes her feel like she’s being removed from sharing an experience with these people and it’s only being seen as content- not a performer, not a human, content. There was another situation with an artist named Clairo I believe, that just got finished singing a song about how they disliked being sexualized in the workplace, only for someone to scream out “you’re so hot” in the middle of them setting up for another song. The look on Clairo‘s face was of such disappointment and hurt and nobody in the crowd side they all screamed and cheered. 

There is this rampant rise of fans disrespecting artists and talking to them so very disrespectfully, cat calling them on stage, throwing bras at them, treating them as if they aren’t human.  and there’s this new idea that if you are paying to see someone live, you’re paying to be at their concert that you can treat them however you want and it’s ridiculous or that if you’re paying for their albums and their merch that you should have the right to know all the intimate little details of their life. It’s a genuinely scary. I remember when there was a celebrity who announced that they were pregnant and people got genuinely upset that they didn’t show their pregnancy bump or anything and peoples reasoning for that was the fact that they paid for their content such as music and merchandise therefore they own stock market to that persons life and all that goes on in it.

I am rambling at this point but it’s a topic that really gets me upset because I’m noticing how it’s becoming more and more of a problem especially in the K-pop community, especially in readers who read about idols and their future partners. Just because you watch their V LIVE or you like their photos on Instagram, or you’ve bought every single one of their albums and on every single one of their photo cards that doesn’t mean you own them or their life or the information to their life. And sidenote the fact that people are using tarot end definition to spy on an idle‘s life and their sexual history just because they fucking can is disturbing to me. 

This went way farther than I intended to take it 🤠 sorry anon 😅



[etherealjaunt]

Should I get this cookie run game? I'm interested to know what it's like and I'm looking for an experienced person to ask if they reccomend it or not

It’s a bit long but i hope this gives you a clear idea of what the games are like as well as the company behind them: Cookie Run Ovenbreak (the “main” game): Gameplay: - 2d side scroller - you run and collect jellies/points - 2 main keys: jump/slide - each cookie has different perks and abilities - compete in races where the winner with a higher score gets rewards - compete in guild races with other members to beat other guilds for rewards - events and new cookies released often PROS: - cute art, music, and characters - fun for a while CONS: - extremely grindy, it became a chore really fast and i dreaded playing it - it’s PAY TO WIN if you’re a new player and haven’t invested a lot of time yet to make it “bearable” - new cookies are generally the “META” meaning you need them to score well (thus P2W) - it can be difficult to keep up/score well enough if you fall behind because of the constant new “you must get this new cookie” updates - events are very repetitive Yes/No? I personally would say no after playing it for a while. It maybe fun for the first while but it gets grindy and boring. == Puzzle World (the “match 3″ game): Gameplay: - matching game - unlock/use cookies with different abilities/power ups PROS/CONS: - i can’t really list these since i’m not interested in matching games Yes/No? If you’re into matching games and you like characters then sure ==

Cookie Run Kingdom (the farm/pvp game): Gameplay: - new, so easy to catch up atm - farm resources to create items - decorate your kingdom with buildings and deco items - small pool of cookie characters (for now) - pvp system with a customizable team of cookies to fight each other - story/lore to follow with story map - dialogue and voices available - each cookie has different skills and stats - frequent events - guilds will probably be released soon PROS: - one of the easier and more ‘forgiving’ type farm games - very cute art, music, and characters - many interactions you can do with the cookies and the decorations/buildings - combat system is fun - clear timeline of events and upcoming events CONS: - it crashes so damn much - it’s imbalanced in terms of cookies, (ex. you ABSOLUTELY NEED espresso to win) - not as P2W as ovenbreak CURRENTLY, but i do see the possibility since that’s how they messed up their old game Cookie Wars - unclear at times and has translation errors (ex. details about the buff items for pvp is inconsistent with KR text) - it’s not very balanced with overall character skills and items (ex. attack speed is kind of useless but they still make it a “thing”, and crit resist)

Yes/No? If you’re really interested in trying the cookie run games, this is probably the one you should go for. It’s still new (released in late january 2021) so it’ll be easy for you to catch up. You can get a head start when things become more P2W (which they most likely will) But be prepare for crashes and frequent long maintenances. == Devsisters (the company itself): Before deciding, I think it’s good to also know a bit about the company. I want to make it clear that they are not an indie company. It is a corporation that is owned and run by men. The management team behind this company purposely chose the name Devsisters as a marketing tactic so investors and customers were “more likely” to choose to work with them when they think the company is run by women. They have a very long history of showing misogyny within their games despite the cute characters and supposed representation. If you want to read about it in detail, you can check it out here:

{{WARNING: it may be upsetting and have sensitive content such as clear misogyny and homophobia}}  twitter(DOT)com/I_love_My1a/status/1360645981918744578 (Also just in case someone tries to argue since it has happened) Many KR players HAVE contacted the team about these issues a long time ago. The company waited a long time and MASS REPLIED to all reports with the SAME COPY AND PASTE MESSAGE of in a nutshell: “sorry we can’t do anything”. But are super quick to take action when men are mocked/insulted in usernames/messages == Conclusion: What i’m trying to say is, if you do decide to play the games or just join in the fandom(+ consume the cute character content), it’s good to be aware that the people managing it may not be genuine and the games can be quite P2W.

Some players found it difficult to keep playing or staying with the series after these many incidents came to light, some found it even difficult to join the fandom...

They are not much different than the big triple A game companies that have a long history of questionable actions/decisions behind closed doors. (cough blizzard+riot)

The artists and the creative team themselves are still the MVP of the company and the reason why the game is still alive today. (I truly think they’re just trying to do what they can to make a living since it is quite difficult to get an art type job especially in South Korea with so many competitors) 

I personally refrain from purchasing too much and think that it’s best to directly support the artists of the team since they do have their own personal social media online.

*~*~*~*TL;DR*~*~*~* It’s a cute game but you don’t need to play it to enjoy it. I personally think that the main success factor are their characters, which you can very well enjoy them on their own without touching the games at all. I hope this was informative and helpful for you! FINAL NOTE: I want to clarify that most of what I said are my opinions only. BUT the contents of the link and the history of the company is real. The evidence is mostly in that tweet but also deeper if you want to look further.

[sazandorable]

things I wanna see in ace fanworks!

It’s Ace Week!

And there’s huge variety among the aspec community (spectrum! that’s what it means!), so here’s a post about a variety of things I’d love to see more in fanworks involving asexual characters!

(I’m especially thinking of Jon from The Magnus Archives and Zolf from Rusty Quill Gaming, but this should easily apply across fandoms!)

I’ll try not to repeat it every line but: blanket disclaimer that this is very much a “what I feel, what I want, me, personally” post. Others (including other asexual people) might feel differently, and that’s perfectly okay. That’s kind of the point of this post! This is absolutely not a “here’s the one correct way to write all ace characters that all ace people will enjoy and agree with” Rules post — on the contrary, this is partly in reaction to seeing other people say that they dislike seeing, or don’t dare create, things that I, personally… desperately want to see, actually.

CW: this post will contain references to many common sources of trauma for asexual people, such as aphobia, partner abuse and rape, as well as sex (in general and sometimes in specifics) and asexual people having sex.

So! I, personally, love and would love to see more...

Fanworks by all sorts of asexual creators

No matter what your specific experience is, it is important, and your getting to create and share art about it is important, and you deserve to get that, and there are people interested in seeing it. And the same is true for all the other aces with different experiences, too.

Variety! Room for all of us! Share your experience happily, and let other aces happily share theirs!

Fanworks by allosexual creators

I’m so happy you’re interested in asexuality and in depicting it! I do want my experience to be normalised and seen as a normal thing that anyone can find interesting and relatable, even allosexual people. If you don’t mean to be an asshole about it, if you’re generally interested in exploring asexuality and you’re doing it from the heart, thinking of asexual people as people — then I want to see it, and I want you to be able to give a try to creating or consuming whatever you want, and I do not want you to be attacked for doing it.

Of course, you might still unwittingly fuck up, and people might still get hurt, and truly hurtful things should still be pointed out in order to be improved on; but I want us as a community to help creators up instead of shouting down, and I hope you continue putting thought into creating fanworks involving ace characters.

Keep reading for some tips and suggestions of things to think about, to keep in mind and to look into to improve your representing of us and our experience of it!

Extremely specific, different, kinda weird, niche, Problematic™ content, from creators of any identity (including questioning!), who are wary about sharing it because they think that there’s no audience for it, or that they’re not allowed, or that it’s a bad and evil way to represent asexuality

I want to see that, I’d be thrilled if you did it, I hope you do it, and I want a fandom environment in which you can do that safely because you deserve to. Of course, make sure to provide good tagging and CW!

Awareness that asexuality is a wide varying spectrum of experiences and there is no One Correct or More Valid Way to depict it

Awareness that even people with the same identity, label and life experiences might want to create or consume different things

Permission for everyone to create whatever they like, so long as it’s just done earnestly

No shaming, gatekeeping, accusations of fetishising, etc.

There are newbie writers who will never learn if they’re scared away from trying; there are people who haven’t yet figured out that they are in fact ace and never will if they’re not allowed to explore it safely; there are ace people who consume ace content to feel good about themselves; there are ace people who create ace fic in order to explore complicated, hard, unpleasant experiences and feelings; there are ace people whose experiences do not match stereotypical narratives I’ve most seen brandished around, and those people are just as ace and just as allowed to create and consume whatever they want; I do not want to foster a fandom environment in which people must out themselves and offer up their experience to scrutiny in order to be “allowed” to write certain topics; etc., etc.

Over the past two years, I’ve regularly seen a lot of yelling along the lines of “this work includes x and not x because this character is ace!” or “this fic I just read is the only valid ace fic” or “oh my god everyone look at this, this is the perfect ace fic”. A lot of it comes from a place of defensiveness and/or pride, ace people happy and proud to share something that was, finally, pinning down their experience. That’s awesome! ... For them. There are plenty of other asexual people who don’t relate to or enjoy those narratives — in fact, all the ones I’m thinking of squicked me hard, despite being made by ace creators and accurate to (an) ace experience, and I would be really unhappy if all ace fanworks was like those. Meanwhile, plenty of stuff I enjoy gets accusations of being fetishising.

So it would do a world of wonder for me and my experience of ace fanworks if those things could be internalised by the fandom as a whole!

Clear distinction between “being asexual” and “not interested in sex”, ”sex-repulsed” or “not having sex”

Those can and often do overlap, but the word “asexual” just means “experiencing little or no sexual attraction”!

In fanworks about an ace character, the two are generally linked and the reason a character doesn’t want to have sex tends to be that they’re ace, but the shorthand and immediate assumption that “being ace” automatically and always means “never having sex” or “hating the concept of sex” always feels a little weird to me.

This goes both ways — even if your aspec character is very sexually active and enjoys it, or if they’re demisexual and currently experiencing attraction to their partner, etc. — they’re still a person who experiences little to no sexual attraction in their daily life, they’re still aspec in a way that can be depicted and that I can be made to feel.

On AO3, widespread use of the tag “Canon Asexual Character”…

There are different views on the “correct” way to use that tag, in part because… what's the point of it? Should we use it in every single fic in which the Archivist appears, because he happens to be ace in the canon, even if it doesn’t come up in the fic?

IMO, it is helpful — it indicates to me that the author wrote their story with that character’s asexuality in mind, and it informed their writing of that character. Personally, I use it on fics where it feels “relevant” even if it doesn’t come up, such as a fic from Martin’s POV about Jon not being very touchy-feely (even though it doesn’t specify that that is because Jon is ace), but not a fic from Jon’s POV in which they’re happily living together but it’s not about the physical specifics of their relationship (even though in my head that relationship is non-sexual, but I could have written this specific fic the exact same way if Jon wasn’t ace).

The use or non-use of the tag can also simply help distinguish fanworks that were created and posted before that revelation, and did not depict that character as ace because the creator genuinely wasn’t aware of it.

… but also more detail than that, for instance: tagging the “shade of ace” the character is written as

A few examples:

#aroace Jon

#demisexual biromantic Jon

#greysexual nonbinary Jon

#sexually active kinky asexual Jon

#sex-positive low-libido Jon

#touch-averse Jon

#sex-uninterested ace demiromo Jon in happy QPR with Martin

#sex-repulsed sub Jon gets creative

#aspec Jon experiences sexual attraction for the first time and it’s for freaking Elias of all people oh God oh no

etc., etc.

Those are VERY different things! There’s some I’d be delighted to read, some I’m not interested in, and some that would actively squick me personally for personal reasons but I can think of some friends of mine that would be super happy to see it.

If you don’t know or aren’t sure of the exact terms, or if you wrote a relatively broad scenario and want to let people project any labels on it, you can also just describe what the situation is or how you depicted your character relating to things. That’s still very helpful. For instance:

#Jon doesn’t like kissing but cuddles good

#the struggle of NOT liking touching but craving intimacy

#Jon and Tim pointing at each other like spiderman meme, same hat?? how??

#Daisy and Basira have no idea how to explain their relationship and it’s none of your business

#Zolf is just tired and wants people to stop prying into his love life

etc., etc.

More awareness that there’s plenty of stuff about the ace experience that, while very common, can be squicky or even traumatic, and more tagging/warning about that

Here’s some other things that are common to the ace experience and commonly depicted in fanworks involving ace characters, and that can be genuinely upsetting and potentially triggering and traumatic, whether or not an ace person has encountered it in their own life (lots of CWs in this list, obviously):

encountering aphobia, even clueless and well-meaning

having internalised aphobia, aphobic thoughts, self-hatred, feeling broken or strange

social pressure to have sex or relationships, people being invasive or judgy about others’ love life, feeling disconnected from allo people

trying things out just to see

having sex

enjoying sex

forcing themself to have sex

referring to past sexual experiences as something that they didn’t enjoy

being emotionally pressured into having sex

wanting to please their partner despite not desiring sex

feeling an obligation to satisfy their partner

the prospect of romantic rejection for their asexuality

the idea that they must earn love

the idea that getting their boundaries respected is something exceptional and rare and an incredible sacrifice from their partner

being sexualised by someone else or the object of someone’s fantasies

wanting sex or experiencing sexual attraction for the first time

etc., etc.

Two concepts here that are both simultaneously true: 1) those are indeed very common to the real life experience of ace people, 2) it is possible to depict the ace experience without tackling any of that.

Of course, you can have all that! You can create content about that! That’s very relatable for a lot of people, and that last one, for instance, can in fact be an accurate and important depiction of demisexuality. But it’s also not a given that a fictional work about asexuality will/should depict it, and not a given that all ace people looking for ace content will want to see any item from that list. So please, give content warnings for all that, too.

It would be a tremendous help in curating and improving my experience if this could become a widespread habit — I have lost count of the amount of fics tagged as fluffy that I had to backbutton out because they suddenly threw in something really depressing that I, personally, didn’t want to see happen to a character I project on (while other readers found catharsis, validation and kinship in seeing their experience represented accurately!).

If it does come up, tags about what comes up

Beyond the content warnings for clearly traumatic stuff, is there “#Discussion of asexuality”? Is it “#Coming out as asexual”, or “#Jon discovers the existence of asexuality”? Is there “#Acephobia” (“#Accidental”? “#Casual”? “#Internalised”?)? Is there “#Explanation of asexuality to a clueless partner”, or “#Jon’s partner tells him about asexuality”? Is there “#Relationship negotiation”?

Since, again, not all aces have the same experience, odds are that some people will JUMP happily on content depicting a specific experience which they relate to... and inversely: again, there’s some of that which I personally do not relate to and actively do not want to read.

Detailed tagging is a huge help for me to figure out if a fic about asexuality is going to squick me and make me sad for the evening because ah I am weird after all even amongst my brethren, or if it’s going to be, finally, my heart’s desire, what I’ve been craving for, and make my entire week. (Sidenote, thanks to good tagging I did find the perfect QPR fic I’d been yearning to read last week and I’m still thinking about it right now and so, so, so happy.)

Making it clear when an ace character is going to be having sex — beyond just the ship tag and rating

Reminder that a fic rating alone does not necessarily mean sex! A fic tagged just “#JonMartin” and rated Explicit could have them in a relationship and then an explicitly detailed scene in which Jon dies a excruciatingly gruesome death, or a graphic scene of Martin having some solo fun, or even another character, or a sex scene between another tagged ship.

With smut involving an ace character as with everything else, there are lots of us that do want to see it (for a wide variety of reasons), and obviously there are lots of us that desperately want to avoid it (but might be in the Explicit tag looking for smut involving other ships, or horror or whump content, etc.) — please help us know whether to click or not click!

The normalisation of not expecting/forcing anyone to do things they don’t actively want to do

There’s a relatively common thing in heartwarming ace fic where the ace character is surprised that their allo partner is fine with dating without having sex and the partner goes, “I love you, of course I’m fine with that” and the ace character is all oh, oh, oh I am loved and respected, did not expect that. Or an allo character saying “That’s fine, I don’t make you do anything you don’t want to do,” or “I don’t want to do anything unless you’re into it!”

And I see how it sounds nice and romantic. It probably is to many people. But it can also be extremely sinister and anxiety-inducing in its implications: what if the partner didn’t love the ace character quite that much? What did the ace character expect? If this is amazing and rare, then what was the baseline expectation? If this ace character has dated before, what were their past relationships like, for this to be surprising?

I end up running into it more in fluffy fanworks about asexuality than in fanworks that aren’t. Again — you can absolutely do that, but please tag/warn for it; even if it’s just in passing, in fluff fic it’s really not something I expect from the genre. Even though I might sometimes be specifically in the mood to read an exploration of that, in dark fic or in hurt/comfort fic!

And now for more specific stuff I wanna see in stories:

This last bit is intended as both an encouragement for people who want to create these things and think there’s no audience (there is!!), and as a box of ideas for people who have no idea how to depict the asexuality of characters but want to :3 Again, this is not in any way a statement that these are The Only Correct Way, or even things that all aspec people want to see, nor is it a diss at people who create, consume or want the exact opposite of these things — for that matter, some of the items on this list are mutually exclusive. It’s just my own tastes and literally just stuff I personally would love to see (more).

Ace character being single, happy to be single, and happily ace

Asexuality being written in but a complete non-issue, not discussed, not brought up, not even to reassure the ace character that It Is Fine

Ace character being flippant and snarky about their asexuality, making jokes and memes about it

Ace character not caring about other people’s perception of them at all

Ace character feeling only pride and happiness and comfort about that label

More than one ace character! Extra love for them having some similarities and also some differences!

Intersectionality: ace character being also aro, trans, nonbinary, bi or pan, polyamorous, kinky, a drag queen, a dom or sub, neurodivergent, disabled, non-white, … ; asexuality being just one part of their identity

Asexuality being queer and belonging to the LGBT+ community in itself; a character being cis, aro or heteroromantic, and ace, and “counting” as “queer enough”

Flirty ace character

Confident, self-comfortable ace character

Ace character considering their specific experience to be perfectly normal and not unique, if not typical

Ace character enjoying something that is commonly considered to be sexy or sexual, but it isn’t for them — such as wearing makeup or lingerie, going clubbing, pole-dancing, massages…

Ace character happily dating someone who is not aspec

I like the thought that it’s possible! I personally like this more than I like fanworks about two aspec people dating. I like it when the ace character is happy to adapt to their allo partner’s requirements and I like it when the allo character is happy to adapt to their ace partner’s requirements and I like it when there are things that just do not match perfectly and that doesn’t put an end to the relationship.

Ace character having a lot of experience dating

Partner(s) already knowing about asexuality and not needing to have it explained to them

Partners just being like “*shrug* okay”, without making it a big deal that they’re “giving up” sexual intercourse

Ace character crushing and getting flustered over physical but non-sexual aspects of their love interest’s looks

Big strong hands, nice jaw, strong nose, long eyelashes, lovely profile, silky hair, lovely eye-colour, delicate wrists, muscles, long legs, collar bone, shoulder blades, squishy stomach, peek of bellybutton, freckles, moles, scars, …

Ace character daydreaming about their love interest in ways that involve zero physical attraction, thoughts about how pretty or handsome they are, or desire to touch them

Jon pining for Martin and just wanting to talk with him, have tea with him, hang out with him… not seeing how Tim is good-looking but being attracted to his humour and nerdiness… missing his relationship with Georgie because it felt nice to cook together and share clothes and watch the telly together… Zolf missing Hamid’s fiery passion or Wilde’s awful puns… being attracted to Cel’s liveliness and inventiveness… being charmed by Azu’s emotional intelligence or her unwavering certainty in her faith…

Smut involving an ace character

No shaming of fellow real living people about that

Not going to go into it again because plenty of us have been talking about that in this fandom for two years now — bottom line is there do exist plenty of asexual people that 1) do have sex IRL, 2) do want to consume smut, can we please, as a community, move past the “this is not smut because this character is ace!” passive-aggressive attacks already. (“I depict this character as not having sex because he’s ace and I’m ace and it makes me happy” is fine! Just don’t imply that that’s the only way to be ace and that other people are wrong to want something else.)

Ace character enjoying sex

Ace character being completely neutral about having or not having sex

Ace character disliking sex in the same way they dislike, idk, coffee. No, absolutely not, thank you, no concession, not for me, but also it’s nothing traumatic or moral or uncomfortable.

Sex being just a thing, not a big deal, having or not having it not being all that important

Ace character enjoying the concept of sex, abstractly. Ace character consuming porn, writing porn, being fine discussing sex with friends, having a dirty mind — just not wanting to be involved in it

Ace character having fantasies that disturb them

Ace character feeling arousal and being just *shrug* about it, not particularly disgusted, just uninterested

Arousal, libido, or masturbation as something different and separate from sexual attraction and desire to sleep with someone or to be touched

Ace character being kinky af

Ace character having multiple partners and different sorts of relationships with each!

Open relationships

Non-sexual romantic relationships

Queerplatonic relationships

COMMITTED!!! NON-SEXUAL AND NON-ROMANTIC!!! PARTNERSHIPS!!! AAAAAA [sobbing emoji]

Non-sexual physical intimacy

Hand-holding! Playing footsie! Cuddles! Hugging! Kissing! Super heavy making out and getting aroused but no sex! Sharing a bed! Lying on top of each other! Bathing or showering together! Giving each other a haircut or a shave! Massages! Non-sexual nudity!

Non-physical intimacy

Committed couple having separate beds/rooms! Getting married! Being in love and not kissing or touching! Loving long-distance relationships! QPR! Affection and closeness expressed through speech, gifts, services, time, shared activities — wearing each other’s clothes, cooking together, long emotional conversations, trust and secrets, love letters, post-it notes, “thought of you” gifts, celebrating anniversaries with a candle-lit dinner, co-parenting...!

Sexual situations with no touching

(CW bit detailed:)

Sexting, cybersex, phone sex, dirty talking, reading or watching porn (alone or together), consensual voyeurism like watching their partner masturbate or have sex with someone else, kink using toys and accessories or scenes but with no actual touching, …

Romanticised consent and boundaries

An asexual character being super firm about what they do not want and their allo partner being thrilled about that trust and communication!! An allosexual partner trusting their asexual partner about what they want without infantilising them or doubting their capacity to establish their boundaries! “Wait, you always say you don’t like [x]?” “Yes, but I feel like it right now, as I assumed would be pretty clear from the fact that I am doing [x] right now :w” “Hey, just checking, sue me :w” “Yes, thank you :w”

Specific boundaries

Cheek kisses but no lip kisses, no PDA, not having sex where they’re also going to sleep, needing a shower immediately after sex, lights off only, …

(CW more detailed:)

… not caring about feeling or seeing their partner’s hard-on but not wanting to do anything about it, penetration but no oral, bottoming but not topping, giving a blowjob but not having their head held, being fine with extreme acts but not liking fluids, pet names but no dirty talk, dirty talk but no pet names, happy to pleasure their partner but not wanting to be touched, not wanting to come, being only into sex as part of extreme kink but not interested in vanilla sex, …

Shifting boundaries and consent

Ace character likes kissing or cuddles but only on their terms — they will come give their partner a kiss sometimes but bristle at being touched. Today is not a kissing day. Today this ace character is a bit down and would like a lot of physical affection and cuddling. Certain areas are off-limits for touching because this ace character is sensitive on their thighs, ticklish in their ribs, self-conscious about their scars. This ace character considers their chest non-sexual so that’s fine but do not pat their butt.

Today, exceptionally, this ace character is horny and feels like banging. Ace character feels like banging sometimes but is not in the mood right now, bye. Ace character feels like banging from eight to nine pm every second Thursday of the month, catch it or miss it. Couple shares a shower every morning and it’s never meant to be a sexual thing, but today the ace one is getting aroused and hey, you know what, they’d like to get off right now. This massage is fantastic but it’s getting overwhelming, so they ask to stop (but it was great!). Ace character is intrigued about this particular scenario/position/kink and wants to try it out, they do, it’s perfectly nice, but hmm, once was enough, they’re not interested in doing it again. Ace character sexts their partner all day but by the time their partner has got home, undressed and prepared and pulled out the strap, they’ve lost interest.

♠♥ Thank you for reading all this! Hope this inspires people so I get more stuff that makes me happy! ♥♠

[mieczyhale]

a messy explanation of things and unnecessary information about life lately

soooo... right. i’m sorry i haven’t really been around aside from popping in here and there, and that i’ve been taking longer than usual to reply to things / not replying to things at all. it’s NOT that i’m upset with anyone or trying to ignore / avoid anyone, and it’s not that i don’t care / don’t love talking to you (whomstever you may be) i love chatting with y’all and wish i could get myself to reply to things quicker but i do not control the me lmfao honestly my sleep has never had a schedule but in recent weeks it’s kinda been operating like there’s a lil gremlin in my head who spins a wheel and picks my sleeping times at random - and it’s either like.. two hours or most of a day. there hasn’t been a lot of in between so that’s a thing!!

also in a fun added mix of maybe sleep?, missing meds, being stuck in the house more often than not, and the FUCKING EVERYTHING happening in the world right now my mental health is... probably run by the same goblin that runs my sleep schedule lmao consistency whomst?? since the lockdown started the depression has of course been around more but actually, worse than that, is how my anxiety - and by extension: my ocd - have really amped up and i need y’all to know that the struggle is painfully real (and another thing that affects shit like my replies and writing. reading as well. fics have been kinda stressful and that should be illegal. who authorized this?) i don’t hate talking about it but i don’t really like it either?? especially like.. in depth. but i will say there has been crying, screaming, pain!, and i’ve acquired a few physical injuries.

so

yeah

on a personal level - a ‘just me’ level - shit is an even bigger mess than usual lmao but all these things will get better eventually - they always do. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NOW

ON A PERSONAL LEVEL - THE FULL LEVEL - THINGS.... are pretty great actually! i mean aside from the state of my fucking house e__e but Josh has been working from home for two (2) months now and it’s been really nice - people complaining about their partners being home?? can’t relate. yknow what?? i just might love that tall bastard even more from all this.fuck all y’all miserable fucks

we’ve been going out for drives and we’ve gone fishing and the only place i’ve gone too that’s re-opened is goodwill. because i require.. the shop. they do have a masks required rule! (at least at the one here) and, alongside that, the places we’ve gone that never closed (like grocery stores and the gas station and the hardware store) have social distancing rules and stuff in place which i love. can we keep social distancing after this is all over?? more things here in wisconsin are opening up and we might go to some. idk though. we also might not. either way its still a weird kind of exciting to see things opening back up?? even though i do think we’re not totally in the clear because most of our gov. sucks (our mayor tried to extend our stay-at-home order - keyword there is TRIED. we are the land of cheese, cows, and no fucking braincells for anyone) 

having pets is obviously not a new thing for me but it’s still a thing. so it takes time and effort and energy and patience and love and a certain disregard for your own safety (claws. they really be as sharp as you think) so... it can be stressful, especially cuz we’ve had to keep them inside more as it gets hot out and something keeps breaking our porch screens (our cats are allowed onto our screened in porch or they can go out in a harness but we will never let them run free outside. fuck that noise)  my bbies are all so cute and their personalities and idiosyncrasies are just... *chefs kiss* i love em and they’re definitely a part of what has made quarantine better

i’ve seen my mom a few times, like for my birthday and when she needed help moving Isaiah from one dorm to another and such, but that’s primarily been an option because she has become anti-mask and anti-stay-at-home-order. initially she wasn’t - she gave Isaiah and i fun lil masks since at that time trying to buy them would be impossible and she thought nothing of staying home - but i guess either as its dragged on or as she’s consumed her middle-right wing news that changed s o. she does take social distancing in public very seriously though, so at least there’s that. our favorite coffee shop, where we - pre-lockdown - always went one (1) or two (2) times a week to do art for hours re-opens on monday and that’s one of the few things i’ve truly missed.

josh’s camping trip for this weekend with his friends had to be cancelled because the parks weren’t going to open in time. so today they’re going somewhere to do at least some of the things they would have done if they had gone camping. bikes, bonfires, and cigars. i’m kinda jealous negl but he was really excited about it so mostly i’m happy

trying to figure out how human services was running things during lockdown was rough but thankfully it didn’t take much to get it sorted. mostly because my mom made the phone call i was supposed to lol (the phone anxiety is on its own level) so wednesday afternoon my mom sat with me while i had the appointment with my psychiatrist over speakerphone (which was.. an experience)

ummm.....

OH YEAH! Probably absolutely my favorite thing that’s happened is: WE’RE STARTING THE SEARCH FOR A NEW HOUSE!!!! it doesn’t mean we’re gonna be moving soon or anything, we don’t want to make the same mistake twice (buying the first house you tour that you love) because while it is a great house ultimately it is way too small for us. i mean there’s me and josh, all six cats, and ALL OUR SHIT. listen: i have an entire room dedicated to my various hobbies. and a walk in closet that isn’t big enough. and we both have collections we love and want to display (right now upstairs its hello kitty and downstairs its astronomy and the titanic. and then there’s pop figures, mtg, collectibles, our bottle collection and various knickknacks, etc.) plus all our books! then furniture and cat furniture (i.e towers) and all their shit because they are spoiled babies. and god forbid we ever have a human kid?? yeah. it’s just not big enough. 

so we’re gonna take more time with this choice but what we do know is:: we wanna live out in the country (i’m paranoid and don’t like to be looked at and he loves the outdoors, lived on a farm for awhile. i also enjoy the outdoors but mostly since we moved into this house i’ve struggled with doing anything outside... while we only have one neighbor on our road. but there’s one across the road and one at the other side of our backyard and that’s just too much lol) 

lets see.. um.... my birthday was may 2nd and that was pretty nice, for a pandemic birthday. there’s been a lot of stuff happening involving josh’s family but that’s not something i really wanna get into on here, tho i will say things have been better in recent weeks and it’s been... really nice. josh and i went to his mom’s house the other night and got drunk with her for fun and i actually had a really good time?? and didn’t complain about going?? that’s kinda unheard of.

i don’t have a job anymore - haven’t since early march-ish - and it kinda sucks but also the universe really did me a solid because my choices were either allow myself to work until i have a mental break again or quit. and i was leaning towards quitting (things had been going down hill with the owner and other employees and just the business as a whole for awhile and there’s a limit to the amount of bullshit i can take thanks) but now it doesn’t seem i have to. why do i think i’m jobless? i was barely working anyway, bc of the snow business was slow, and in march i got really sick and stayed home for a week. the day i was supposed to go back i was still sick, and covid19 was starting to become more of a serious situation everywhere, so josh called in for me and explained that between still being sick and my anxiety over covid (asthma + a not so great immune system) i wasn’t going in that day. i never heard from them again. so. 

but it’s all good - there are some options but i’m not looking into them seriously until it’s safe to.

SO

THAT’S ALL OF FUCKING THAT ON THAT

i felt it wouldn’t be a bad idea to come on here and explain A. what’s been going on and B. where i’ve been and C. that if i haven’t responded to you or acknowledged something you sent me / tagged me in it’s literally just because i either forgot to (for all reasons and none) or i don’t have the mental space / energy to. but that doesn’t mean you have to stop talking to me! even if i don’t respond or respond immediately i do read everything and i would die for any one of you fuckers (especially my clowns and the tom hardy movie) 

oh! and just btw - sometimes i don’t get notifications (quelle surprise) tumblr and skype should really pair up and talk about their truly great systems that function so well /s 8| ANYWAY: the best and most reliable ways to get my attention are twitter ( @/mieczyhale) and discord (same name) because i have yet to see their notifications fail. ahem.

i feel like i’m missing things / forgetting things but honestly this post is long enough and also enough of a rambley mess that i’m just gonna try and ignore that feeling and carry on with my goddamn day so i might actually accomplish something. sorry if there’s spelling off or missing words. i’m not taking the time to re-read this and might even delete it bc it’s already giving me anxiety bUT WE’LL SEE ALRIGHT HI AND BYE I LOVE YOU GUYS <3

[xoruffitup]

BlacKkKlansman: Double Consciousness & Extremist Identities

I saw BlacKkKlansman last night, and I’m still trying to properly breathe around the cold stone it left in my chest. I’ve been thinking about it constantly, and whenever that happens I always feel the need to write some sort of analysis to try to articulate why I’ve reacted so strongly to something. So, here’s my half-baked BlacKkKlansman review.

First things first, I’m white. Of course, that affects the way I view the world and whatever art/media I choose to consume. I fully recognize that my experience and takeaway from this film are likely very different from those of a viewer of color. And sure, I can say that I try to be progressive in how I live my life and I took college courses on race politics and minority marginalization, but at the end of the day, this is a film about black voices and black equality and those are topics I have no right to discourse on. So please, if something I write below seems misguided or uneducated, please let me know so I can self-examine and adjust.

First of all: The simple fact that this movie had such an effect on me as a white viewer. I was in a crowded movie theatre, with an audience of diverse age and race, and never in my life have I felt such a powerful moment of silent, unified shock when the credits started. The ending left every single person speechless. White privilege means that when I read news articles or books about institutionalized racism in our country, I have the option of closing the book, walking away and thinking about something else for a while. Not the case whatsoever with this movie - It didn’t discriminate in its devastating impact. While I’ve read about Black Power ideologies, there’s always an aspect of such movements that are designed not to be fully understood by those outside of it. These are not for me. This seems as intentional as it is justified. Black communities are excluded from so many mainstream ‘white’ narratives or locuses of power, these movements are the sole spaces that belong entirely to them and which they entirely control. They are designed to alienate, the same way these communities are alienated from so much else in society. However, BlacKkKlansman seemed accessible to a multitude of viewpoints and cultural/racial positions. The film does not strive to tell the audience how they should feel, but leaves elements of interpretation up to the viewer by presenting a chorus of voices, rather than a single one; By presenting multifaceted characters experiencing conflicts of identity - Rather than a single protagonist with a single political message. This is certainly not to say that a film is only good if it panders to the understanding of white viewers, but in this case I was impressed by the multiplicity of narratives and perspectives that were portrayed.

What’s so thought-provoking to me about the film was the decision to tell the story from the position of the undecided and conflicted center. By following Ron and Flip’s investigation, we watch each character grapple with the opposite sides of extremism. While Flip has to ingratiate himself with the Klan members who would revile his Jewish heritage, Ron has to spy on his own community at Black Student Union events as they call for war against the police. Both characters must play roles in order to pretend to fit into the groups they look like they should belong to. In Flip’s case, feeling threatened and despised by the Klan’s ideals makes him re-evaluate the meaning of the Jewish identity he never thought much about. For Ron, he feels torn between his loyalty to his people, and to his own hard-sought and prized work as a policeman (an institution equally reviled by Patrice and Klan members). Ron and Flip both wear masks, and their feelings of separation from “their” respective communities makes them each consider the conflicting identities within themselves.

Aptly, Patrice speaks to Ron in one scene about double consciousness. She questions whether it is possible to be both a black woman and American citizen. To her, putting her country first would be a betrayal to her black identity. In juxtaposition, the Klan members dress up their intolerance behind the values of “America first” (I can barely describe the chills that went through me when the Klan members all started chanting it.) Ron’s struggle throughout the film is exactly this - His determination to be both a black man and a police officer. He and Patrice disagree on whether it’s possible to change a corrupt system from within, and the movie leaves ambiguous how much Ron succeeds in this front. It’s crushingly infuriating when, towards the end of the film, Ron is himself detained and beaten by policemen who don’t believe he’s an undercover cop. But shortly thereafter, he enjoys a triumphant entry into the police station where all his white colleagues congratulate his work and embrace him. The scene when he calls David Duke to reveal his identity with his three colleagues giggling on either side of him is downright charming in its camaraderie and gaiety. It looks like acceptance; But tempered by the fact that all his hard work on the investigation was ultimately scrapped in the end. 

These themes of double consciousness and ambiguity permeate the film, and lend to its impactful success. Split-screen parallels are presented between Klan and Black Power movement meetings - Certainly not to equate the two, but to show in stark, unmistakable terms that these are the polar opposite, yet intimately interrelated effects of racism. This is how distantly racism divides our country - And how it leads to beliefs on either side that people will kill for. Towards the climax, a Black Student Union meeting listens to the horrific history of a young black man being brutally lynched, while the Klan members cheer and applaud a scene in Birth Of A Nation depicting the hanging of a black man. Neither side exists without the other to perceive it as a threat - And both stand firm in their respective beliefs that their hatred of the other side is justified. 

Yet, the film wasn’t the story of the Klan, nor of the Black liberation movement - It was the story of the two men caught in the middle, looking for footing on quickly-shrinking ground between the two sides, as their mutual hatred brings the two warring sides to an inevitable conflict. It is the same story of many modern viewers, wondering how in hell we’ve come to the present moment with “Black Lives Matter” on one side and Trump proclaiming “America First” on the other - with not an inch of common ground or even common perception between the two. 

Although I hope most viewers would intuit which side is truly more justified in their grievances, a strength of the film was its balanced, rather than caricatured depiction of the Klan members; Who believe that yes, they live in a racist country - “An anti-white racist country.” The chilling brilliance in the depiction of David Duke was how harmlessly normal he first seems - Cheerfully spouting off phrases like “you’re darn tootin’“ on the phone to Ron and ending the conversation with a chipper “God bless white America!” This is exactly how ideologies of hate become disguised as civilized, mild-mannered “values.” David Duke has given up the flashy title of “Grand Dragon” for the more innocuous “National Director” (or something to that end). The first time he goes undercover, Flip is quickly admonished never to call the Klan “The Klan,” but rather “The Organization.” In a conversation between Ron and one of his superiors at the police station, it’s even discussed how a high-ranking Klansman might have the long-term goal of placing “one of their own” in the White House, after they’ve disguised their intolerance and bigotry under the empirical rationales of policy. It’s one of the most painful moments of the entire film. 

Yet, while Flip has to endure the Klan members’ talk of killing black people, and Ron hears Kwame Ture speak about race wars with inevitability, another stroke of the film’s thoughtful genius is the choice of individual who actually enacts violence - Felix’s utterly apple pie looking housewife. She looks like the plump, harmless woman you wouldn’t want to be in line behind at the grocery store because she’s likely to have fifteen coupons. She is the last person you would expect on sight to leave a bomb at the house of a young black woman. And yet, this is another powerful message: How the vulnerable and susceptible can so easily become radicalized. I certainly don’t have sympathy for her because she’s an adult who made her own decisions; But I’m also aware of the way her Klansman husband manipulated her into becoming what she was, and it’s an extra layer of nuance I appreciated. 

Finally, I’ll wrap this up on a personal, perhaps silly, note. There were multiple layers of this film that really disturbed me, and it’s taken me a good 24 hours to put my finger on this last one: I’m not sure I enjoyed Adam Driver as Flip. Don’t get me wrong here, I’m all over that shoulder gun holster look and he looked 500% finer in flannel than any man has a right to. Also, I’m not sure I would feel this same discomfort if he’d been played by a lesser-caliber actor, or one who I don’t have such an attachment to. But I realized that on an instinctive level, it upset me to see his face under a Klan hood, and to hear him say vile racist comments. Rationally, of course I know that A) He’s acting, and B) Even his character is acting, but Adam’s an utterly convincing actor, playing an undercover detective who’s very good at his job. Maybe both his and Flip’s performances were too good. I asked myself why it didn’t bother me the same way to hear Ron spout racist bullshit on the phone. Part of it is because he isn’t played by an actor I happen to deeply respect and admire, but there’s more to it than that. There’s a passage in the NYT review that got as close to my nebulous discomfort as anything I could express:

"The most shocking thing about Flip's (Adam Driver's undercover detective role) imposture is how easy it seems, how natural he looks and sounds. This unnerving authenticity is partly testament to Mr. Driver's ability to tuck one performance inside another, but it also testifies to a stark and discomforting truth. Maybe not everyone who is white is a racist, but racism is what makes us white.”

Adam’s performance as Flip is discomfiting because it shows how easily a white person can take up the mask of extreme bigotry and intolerance, and how easily they can be perceived as supporting a hate movement, regardless of their true internal ideologies. I know Flip doesn’t mean the things he’s saying, but he’s damn convincing because he looks the part. His whiteness paired with his words - regardless of whether they’re genuine - is powerful and terrible. And racism is what lends him the ability to put on that convincing mask. And if racism is what “makes us white,” Adam as Flip makes me wonder if I could do the same. If, for whatever reason, the situation was such that I had to convince someone I believed in these things... Would I surprise myself by finding that I’m capable of saying things equally terrible? Is this a role that every white person is capable of, at a certain subconscious level, because of systemic racism and implicit biases? 

In conclusion: This movie has fucked up my life. It’s genius and I think I need to see it again. (If I can stomach it...)

[nameless-articles]

A Delayed Topic: Budgets in Video Games

I’m naked in my Japan dorm eating Pocky, yet I’m disappointed in myself. Not because of my current activities, but because in waiting (really working on other projects) to write my article on mid-tier budgets I missed the boat before other big-name video game people sailed off on it. Nonetheless, it’s a topic I’ve had on my mind for a while now, and to scrap the project just because some other people have tackled it would be silly. So without further ado, I present to you my thoughts and hope for video game budgets going forward (though of course whatever I have to say will have little influence on what publishers do).

A while ago, my brother and I got into a heated discussion over the price of video games. He believes sixty dollars is too high a price for a newly released game, while (though of course I’d much rather pay less) I find it to be a fair price. However, for any readers ready to judge my spending habits, I should remark that I only buy perhaps one or two new games a year (in actuality, I haven’t bought a newly-released game in 2018). It takes a game a fair amount of effort to win me over enough to drop money on launch; the best way for a game to earn goodwill is to be created by a developer that has a good track record. While some people find this habit (that of buying games from trusted developers) as a risk not worth taking, I have only been truly upset over maybe one new game purchase in my life (that honor goes to Mass Effect 3). In my experience, that game has stopped me from not only waiting to buy future Bioware titles but has stopped me from buying them altogether. In the long run, I believe the customers’ (not as individuals but as a collective) happiness will determine whether a developer will succeed or fail. That being said, it isn’t stopping publishers from doing everything in their power to fight that reality. There’s only so much we can say about predatory practices in video games. At their core, these practices are forced into a game with little consideration for how it affects the mechanics or overall flow: The majority of modern AAA games are designed to make money, nothing else.

The question is not “does the price of the game reflect its quality?” Video games are art, and, with no malice, if a painting can sell for millions I don’t see why video games can’t do the same. That might seem like I’m arguing against my point, but I’m not. For us to consider games a form of art, we need to reconsider how we view the cost of that art, and the cost of art is not solely determined by the work put into producing it.

Take Battlefront II for example, by technical merits it is quite the achievement and all the detail packed into it must have taken the developers countless time to create, yet I wouldn’t consider paying over ten dollars for it because, as a customer, the experience on offer is not one I value greatly. On the other hand, if the asking price for Drakengard 3 had been eighty dollars, I would’ve at least considered it. I don’t believe this is how most people think of games, despite having often heard claims that people would’ve spent two hundred dollars on Skyrim if they could (although given the recent controversies concerning Fallout 76 that might’ve been a bad idea, too). Most people make such claims with one particular game when they have become infatuated with it (someone might make that argument for me), but I think the scope of this lens should be broadened to every game we consider purchasing.

Of course, we need to consider the mass-marketed and laborious nature of video games. Visual art like painting and photography can afford to have higher prices precisely because they are limited in quantity. In addition, video games take countless hours from multiple people through different departments, and they all need to be compensated somehow. No developer should expect to work for free (that said, practices like crunch time which recently got brought up again for Red Dead Redemption 2 still occur), and I am all for making sure they get their fair share.

However, a significant chunk of a big games budget is spent on marketing the game, with less than a majority fraction going to actual development, and this trend is only growing. While I understand the importance of giving your game a good amount of coverage, the fact that more money is spent letting people know a game exists rather than ensuring the quality is a recipe for mediocrity, which shouldn’t come as a surprise. I want to give the video game industry the benefit of the doubt and believe the goal is to create a product worthy of the consumer’s money, but trends like massive marketing budgets and locking in game items on the grounds of player choice speaks more to the capitalist perversion of the craft. It might sound like I’m taking video games too seriously, but I believe we are seeing a shift in the industry that is going to change the way video games take risks, and I would argue in a manner that is ultimately limiting the artistic possibilities of the medium.

With budgets as inflated as they are, these projects can’t fail. I don’t mean fail the way publishers mean fail, wherein they expected a decent game to become the next Call of Duty or where only a couple million sales means the investors didn’t make the massive profits they expected (though still made a profit). Big budget games are less likely to try out new and experimental ideas because more often than naught consumers want something they know rather than new mechanics or odd stories. While this has always been the case to some degree, games like Metal Gear Solid 2 are less likely to be created today than they were two console generations ago. Ironically enough, Death Stranding is looking to be such an experience and the only reason it’s able to do this is because the game is being designed as a console exclusive, which Sony banks on selling more consoles than actual units (in the sense that the game might sell a couple million but many of those buyers will probably get one of their consoles just to play it). Games like Bloodborne are meant to give people a reason to own a console by pushing that system as the only means to get such an experience (in some sense it matters less how that game sells). Of course, Sony is expecting a Hideo Kojima exclusive to sell very well, but they are still taking a huge risk by giving him a good amount of money considering the kind of experience it seems to be (at this point, a story-based open world exploration (admittedly this is not the most unique general premise but the story seems to suggest otherwise)). We could never expect a publisher like EA or Ubisoft to take such a risk, though to give them credit they do bankroll much smaller games that tend to mechanically and narratively experiment more than the Battlefields and the Assassin’s Creeds that give EA the profits to test things out on a smaller scale.

It might sound like I’m giving these larger publishers some slack, but I think this approach is still rather tamed and limiting the possibilities video games have. I don’t see this setup of high-budget-destined-for-profit games to pay for the experimental smaller games as giving the most variety of gameplay and narratives. I think it’s better than only big budget games, but these other projects tend to be closer to indie games, which, though they have their place in video games, have to be limited in scope and technical prowess in order to exist. For example, Undertale is an amazing game that I’m glad exists, but imagine what Toby Fox could do if he had a couple million to spend rather than fifty thousand. These are the experiences lacking in the industry, multi-million dollar budgets with the heart and mindset of an independent project. This isn’t to say such experiences don’t exist at all, but that I believe they offer the best compromise between publisher greed and developer freedom. While this might have already been expected, I’m going to talk about how Drakengard 3 is close to an example of such a product.

While full of plenty of flaws and lackluster gameplay elements, the entirety of the Drakengard/Nier series is enjoyed on a cult level because it offers something that is hard to find in other games: that is, a balls to the wall crazy story that, for the sake of the memes, really makes you think. I find the lore of the series interesting, but I mainly play them because they offer stories that for once give me a chance to reflect on my own perspective and have me consider why I believe what I believe. Yes, games like that exist elsewhere, but there is a specific type of craziness and intrigue that comes with these games that I have yet to see replicated in other series (by all means, feel free to mention some). Back to Drakengard 3 in particular, I’ve already talked about why I believe the final boss is one of the best moments I’ve ever had the pleasure of playing. Such an ending risks alienating countless players, and it’s the kind of choice you’d probably never see attempted in today’s AAA titles because it’s far too risky. However, you’d also never find it in an entirely independent project, because they lack the funds to even try and attempt an ending of that scope. For that reason, I believe the AA (a couple million, maybe ten or twenty million at most), offer the best space for games that want to push the artistic bounds of the video game medium.

One argument to be made against this proposal is the fear that such games won’t have the level of polish present in higher budget titles. While this can be true, it doesn’t account for what the reality was two generations ago. Games like Metal Gear Solid 2 and Silent Hill 2 (it just seems like the second game is always the best of a series) were expensive in their day, but even their budgets look small in comparison to what’s being spent on games today. While the graphical prowess of AAA games has increased vastly since then, do modern games come across as mechanically or narratively more engaging than two generations ago? I tend to think not, though games like Nier: Automata give me hope that interesting narratives can still be constructed and built upon in a world of higher budgets. Nier is by no means a high budget game, but it costs more than anything an independent studio is able to muster, while at the same time turning a profit for their publisher and bringing their developer from the brink of death. All while giving players an enjoyable and engaging game.

There’s been the idea floating around that games need to cost more than $60. The rising costs of video games is the main culprit, proponents of an increased price say, however I want to lay blame on the consumer for a moment. Gamers appreciate flashy graphics, and these graphics don’t come cheap. It makes sense for publishers to make certain elements of a game top priority if players demonstrate that these features are the sort of things they want to see. Most consumers want more of the same, yet love to complain that every game is trying to be the next [insert current leading genre here]. Players flock to these games, at least enough to allow publishers and developers to make a quick buck off of making such a game.

More than any other artistic medium, video games are highly iterative, which can be to its advantage at times. However, as a result trends take awhile before they die, and in that time there will be countless games of a popular genre that take up time, money, and space from games that are doing different things. Consider how many forgotten first person shooters existed last generation, consider how many forgotten open world games exist this generation. Now imagine the countless battle royal games that are either out or coming out in the future. All of those games devote resources away from a potentially game-changing project. I’m losing focus a little bit, but it’s worth remembering that the problem is not merely concerned with budgets.

In order to give players what they want, publishers and developers have to find monetization methods to make these games and make a profit for their investors, for whom (unfortunately) the creation of big budget games is often times merely a profit-driven endeavor. Money has always driven the creation of art, and only recently crowdfunding and other supportive methods have taken off. However, the vast majority of the population isn’t rich enough to support multiple games with thousands of dollars like some of these investors can, so until then this method of game production will persist. Since players are (rightfully) against a flat price increase of video games, we’ve seen growing use of microtransactions and lootbox systems that, as anyone should know, do not justify the cost of what they give but rather subsidize the other costs of the game. Players buy these microtransactions, and in some cases the overall amount spent on in-game microtransactions have earned a company more money than other games or even the game its sold within. Publishers know this, which perpetuates the cycle of spending more money on marketing to ensure they can get enough whales that will sink a ton of money into the game so they can make their profit regardless.

The saddest part about the current situation is that it might not even be enough to “vote with your wallet” as is often repeated, because most players don’t engage with these monetization practices, but those who do engage in such a way that it’s worth it for the company to alienate a vocal minority of their players in favor of exploit the small amount of players who will pay to play. A complete boycott of these games might not be enough to convince publishers to change their monetization methods. At this point, they know how much money they can make through the nickle-and-dime processes that even if games had a higher starting price it would hardly incentivize them to drop it altogether. Given the number of deluxe and super deluxe editions many games release with which only give access to maybe a few other missions and cosmetics for a quarter of the cost of the real game, some might argue is already the case.

Why did I bother writing all this if the outlook appears black. I’m certain no developer will ever read this, and given my general reach on this site is minimal at best, it’s very unlikely that this will get any traction that leads to some grander change. Still, I find it important for people to see and understand why games are monetized the way they do, and in this instance the burden is on the consumer to inform publishers the kinds of experiences we want to see. I’m fully aware that what I want from video games is not what other people want to see; if it was, then there would be no reason for me to make this post. But I do find the experiences I want lacking, and I believe more AA budgets will give the best range for those types of experiences that will push gaming in a new direction. It is not the Red Dead Redemption 2’s of the industry that will revolutionize gaming, but the smaller, humbler experiences that will shape the artistic future of games to come.

There is still much room for video games to develop as a medium. Whether it’s in traditionally controlled games or virtual reality experiences, there is still plenty for us to learn and develop how the immense amount of player-controlled interactions influence the final product. Expensive-to-make games cannot afford to fully explore these bounds, making them the least opportune avenue to expand, reshape, or break how we understand player interactivity in an artistic sense. While there are developers who do push bounds on higher budgets, most do nothing that hasn’t already been done (sometimes even better) by a project on a lower budget. I guess what I really want to say is that I want something to challenge me and my understanding of player agency as much as the Drakenier series, and I doubt it will be something that cost over fifty million that will change that.

P.S. I understand that what I seek for the future of games, whether narratively or mechanically, is not necessarily the priority of other players, let alone publishers and developers. Perhaps in the future I’ll go more into what I look for in video games, and why I enjoy playing the games that I do.

[call-me-rei]

Chapter 33

“So gone to the point I can’t believe this was all from a kiss.”

---

I was on cloud nine for an entire week. My stressed out, anxious, overthinking brain was finally calmed and not making up different scenarios that would cause panic attacks. For the first time since we moved, I was truly happy.

And I had Vic Fuentes to thank.

As cheesy as it sounded, Vic was the reason I had a stupid smile on my face. After our talk the week before he’d made such an effort to be more open with me. We spent a couple nights texting about how we felt about each other. Some of those texts may have been suggestive, but we hadn’t gone further than texting.

We mostly texted about Vic coming out. He wanted to be able to call me his boyfriend eventually, but he knew he couldn’t do it if he was still in the closet. I told him he needed to take his time and only tell people he knew he could trust and rely on to keep it quiet until he was ready to tell everyone he needed to. I was glad he was talking to me about something so personal. I knew how hard it was to tell anyone that you weren’t who they thought you were, and I was happy to support him any way I could.

My stupid smile lasted through choir and afterwards when Mr. Urie let us out a few minutes early. I was glad to finally be able to text Vic back since second period. Using your phone during choir was frowned upon, not that it was very possible anyway. There were only chairs in that room so there was nowhere to hide anything.

I walked down the fine arts wing and into the main hallway. I decided against standing in front of Vic’s physics class for fear that I’d look too desperate. Instead I went to my locker and stood against the metal door. I had some time to kill before the bell, so I texted my group chat to let them know I was out of class and wanted to go off-campus for lunch.

It was the Friday before winter break, and we had all talked about doing something before we went our separate ways for Christmas and New Year’s. I figured that lunch off campus would be the perfect thing. What I didn’t account for was the fact that my friends were so indecisive and couldn’t agree on anything if you asked them to. If you told them where they were going, they wouldn’t complain, but give them the chance to choose and you’d be spammed with hundreds of argumentative messages, kind of like I was at that moment.

I chuckled to myself as I read the messages between Lynn, Tyler, Sav, and Tori. It was the epic argument of tacos or burgers. Sav and Tori wanted a vegan option, and since vegan burgers places were closer to the school than vegan tacos, they campaigned for that. Obviously Lynn and Tyler wanted tacos while I was there just enjoying the show.

YOU CAN’T JUST ASK THIS QUESTION THEN GO GHOST YOU COWARD! Lynn angrily texted at me when I stopped replying to their messages.

Lol I don’t care where we go. Just pick before lunch ends, I replied.

LUNCH HASN’T STARTED YET

I laughed to myself and switched messages to Vic. They would figure it out eventually, and as fun as it was to witness, I wanted to talk to the person who sent the butterflies in my stomach into flight. I sent him a text asking if he wanted to come to lunch with me. I even invited Mike, Jaime, and Tony in case he would feel out of place with my friends. I wasn’t sure what his response was though because someone caught my attention.

“Quinn!” I looked up from my phone and immediately rolled my eyes. Of course, when I thought I was having a good day I’d see him.

Jacob approached me, his footsteps sounding through the quiet hallway/ “And here I thought I’d have to wait until after school to get you alone,” he spoke as he walked up.

I had looked back down at my phone by the time he was standing in front of me. “What do you want?” I asked uninterested.

“To finish what we started last week.” I looked up at him as I put my phone back in my pocket. I didn’t intend on entertaining this jerk, but he for sure wanted to intimidate me. I just couldn’t give him that satisfaction.

“Oh yeah?” I pushed myself away from the locker and squared up to him. “I’d love to if it’ll shut you up.”

He smirked then snapped his fingers. Two of his friends seemed to appear out of nowhere. They stood in front of me, surrounding me with my locker behind me. I looked between all three of them as I sized up the newcomers. They were both as buff as Jacob was; they were probably also football players. They had broad shoulders and you could see their biceps flex as they cracked their knuckles.

“Isn’t it kinda sad that you come when he snaps? Like c’mon, be your own person.”

All three of them scowled, staring daggers at me. The one on my left ran his fist into the locker by my head. I couldn’t help but flinch.

“Oh man, this is gonna be great,” the other one of Jacob’s goons said. “Fuentes isn’t here to stop us so let’s have some fun.”

I gulped. I wouldn’t have been so afraid if I wasn’t in a cast and still had fresh stitches in my head. I didn’t want to die at school, but those guys looked like they wanted to kill me.

“Not so cocky now, huh?” Jacob asked with a smirk. He took a couple steps closer until he was six inches away from my face. “I’m gonna enjoy this.” In one swift movement he grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and lifted me up; my back slid along the metal locker and my shirt choked me. I gasped as I tried to get some air into my lungs.

My vision started getting hazy all too quickly. That all too familiar feeling of passing out invaded my consciousness and threatened to take over. I didn’t want to accept it. Out of all the instances I’d had with death, I didn’t expect to get that close to it at my high school because of a guy I’d known about for a week.

Jacob’s grip tightened when he noticed I was starting to struggle less. My vision went darker and my breaths became more shallow. My final thought was a prayer that another student, a teacher, the SRO, hell even the principal, would come and stop this.

“Put him down,” a voice growled from the distance. Jacob’s grip loosened giving me the chance to take in a few grateful breaths. When I was able to gain focus, I saw my three assailants look to their right then look at each other. I looked in that direction as well. Relief rushed through me when I saw Vic standing at the end of the hall with his arms crossed over his chest and a pissed off look on his face.

“Fuentes, hey…,” Jacob said shakingly.

“Put. Him. Down,” Vic enunciated angrily. Jacob’s lackies looked at him with pleading eyes before Jacob sighed and dropped me. Luckily, I wasn’t too far off the ground so I landed on my butt. I groaned from the impact but breathed a sigh of relief.

“I have a bone to pick with him though, and you,” Jacob growled.

Vic shook his head as he walked closer to us. “You really wanna try that shit? You remember what happened last time?” One of Jacob’s friends snickered which made Jacob stare daggers at him.

“Get lost,” Vic continued once he was in front of the three. “And if I find out that you’ve bothered him again, I’ll deal with you personally. And I know you don’t want me to do that again.”

Jacob grimaced at me then at Vic but left without another word. His two friends followed suit.

I slumped against the lockers and closed my eyes. I was glad that Jacob was gone, but I was happier that Vic was the reason he left. I opened my eyes and looked at my hero who was staring down the hallway. Curious, I looked in that same direction. Jacob and his friends had just walked that way but there was no one there at that moment.

“What are you looking at?” I asked. Vic didn’t respond, he didn’t even look at me. He stayed stoic for a minute before he joined me on the floor.

“Sorry, I was just making sure they were gone.” I would have questioned it, but I trusted Vic’s weird sixth sense.

He turned to me with his winning smile, the same smile that had been flashing through my mind and consuming my thoughts for days.

"What’s up, KQ?" he asked, his smile never faltering.

“Not much, VF.” We both paused and stared at each other in confusion. I scrunched up my face. “Ew, nope. Hated it as soon as it left my mouth.”

Vic almost doubled over in laughter while I pouted. “Aw, what’s wrong?” he asked when he calmed down and had noticed my expression.

“You have all these cute nicknames for me: Kells, Quinn, KQ. I have nothing for you.”

He looked confused. “You’re upset because you wanna give me a nickname?”

“No,” I said still with a pout, “I’m upset because I haven’t given you a nickname yet. I wanna even the playing field.”

“But Vic is my nickname.” I rolled my eyes. He wasn’t getting it.

“Oh, you mean the name that I and everyone else already calls you? Yeah, no. I need something more original.”

He leaned his back against the lockers and looked into my eyes, his signature sly grin on his lips. “I mean, you can always call me ‘daddy’.”

I rolled my eyes, trying to keep myself from blushing. “Or I could call you ‘pretentious fucker’.”

“As long as you’re calling me, baby.” He reached up and ran his thumb along my jawline. I bit my lip softly, enjoying the feeling of his hand on my skin.

“You know, I really like it when you bite your lip,” he whispered. He was holding eye contact with me as his thumb gently pulled my bottom lip from my teeth. “Makes me wanna do it.”

I blushed. “We’re in the middle of the hallway.”

“Then maybe I should make this quick before someone comes.” He guided my face to his and kissed me softly. My eyes closed and pleasure and desire took over. Just like our first kiss, his lips molded against mine perfectly. They were so soft yet dominating. I knew he wanted to take control, and I’d let him.

But before I could deepen the kiss he pulled away. I pouted but he stood and held his hand out to help me off the ground. I was going to ask why he stopped when the bell rang signaling that it was time for lunch.

Students rushed out of their classrooms and into the hall. I leaned back against the lockers trying to catch my breath and regain composure before anyone noticed. Vic was standing in front of me with a small smirk fighting against his lips.

“You’re a pretentious fucker,” I whispered.

He shrugged and tapped his lips twice before our friends came up to join us.

***

Vic and his friends agreed to join us for lunch. We settled on getting street tacos on the beach, much to Sav and Tori’s dismay. It didn’t matter too much though; they’d still have to eat.

Vic and I had arrived at the beach before everyone else. He snuck me away while our groups of friends were grasping the fact that we were having lunch together. It wasn’t a new thing, but my friends assumed that since we were going off campus we’d be out of harm’s way. Then I told them about what Jacob had done and convinced them that it would be better if Vic and his friends tagged along. They didn’t argue.

Currently Vic and I were sitting at a table in the picnic area of the beach. Our friends would arrive soon, so we were cherishing our alone time before we had to act like we weren’t dating.

I sat across from Vic just looking at him. He was typing away on his phone and chuckling occasionally at something on his screen. I smiled to myself as I watched the corners of his mouth turn up. He really was cute, and I couldn't believe that he wanted me.

"What are you thinking about?" I snapped out of trance and focused on Vic. He was giving me his cocky grin.

"Nothing," I muttered embarrassed that he'd caught me staring.

"Bullshit. You're thinking about me, aren't you?"

I scoffed. "You wish."

He smirked. “No, I wish that we could finish what we started in the hall.”

I felt the heat rush to my cheeks at the thought of what happened just minutes ago. “It’s so easy to make you blush,” he said with a chuckle. That comment brought my temperature back down.

I rolled my eyes. “Especially when you’re a pretentious fucker.”

“Hey, that wasn’t very nice.”

I smirked in an attempt to mask a giggle that wanted to escape. The look he was giving me didn’t help me hold in my laugh. I bit my lip as I snickered to keep me from doubling over.

“You know, I still wanna bite that lip.” I blinked. Once again, he had said something I wasn’t expecting and it threw me off.

“Really?” I asked.

“What, you don’t think I will? I’ll bite it right now.”

I scoffed. “I’ll believe it when it happens, Victor.”

“Victor?” His face contorted in disgust. The reaction made me giggle.

“Yeah, I think it works,” I said referring to our nickname conversation from earlier. “It’s a strong name.”

He shook his head. “You’re not gonna call me that again.”

“Oh yeah?" I challenged. "Try me.”

“Is that a request because I’ll take you up on that.”

We held each other's gaze so long that anyone passing by or looking at us could feel the sexual tension. I couldn't deny it either; I would've jumped on him if we were alone.

“Oh c’mon, just kiss already,” we heard a voice groan. We turned our heads and saw Mike standing at the table. We hadn’t noticed he had arrived.

Vic blinked a few times in shock. “W-wh-huh?” he stuttered.

I looked between him and his brother. “What are you talking about?” I asked.

“Don’t play dumb. I know. Hell, we know.”

As if on cue Lynn, Tony, Jaime, and Sav joined us. Vic and I looked at them and then at each other.

“You know what?” Vic asked.

“We know,” Jaime emphasized.

I looked at all of them. “You know?”

“Everyone at this table knows,” Mike replied.

Vic looked at me again before he asked, “How?”

“Well for one, you’re not very subtle. I was kinda convinced you guys were fucking this whole time.” I blushed at Mike’s comment.

“And we’re Kellin’s friends. He told us about the date you guys had,” Lynn answered.

“And I’m your fucking brother. I know you almost as well as I know myself. Of course I know you’re into guys.”

“And we’re your best friends,” Jaime added putting his arm around Tony.

“We kept it silent for Kellin. He didn’t want his shit getting out,” Sav chimed in.

“And it’s not our place to tell other people something that you need to admit to yourself. I knew you’d tell us when you were ready. But yeah, we know.”

Vic looked at me one more time after Mike finished talking. The earlier emotions that had flashed across his face when our friends approached the table – fear, embarrassment, and maybe some guilt – were replaced with relief after their little speech.

“Well, I’m ready.” I looked at Vic in shock. He just smiled at me and reached his hand across the table. I smiled back at him and placed my hand in his. “Guys,” he started, “I’m gay and I’m dating Kellin.”

I had to look down at my lap because I couldn’t contain my emotions. Just days ago he was worried about being affectionate in public, and now Vic was coming out to our friends.

He lifted our hands and planted a soft kiss on the back of mine. I looked back up at his face to see the biggest, brightest smile I’d ever seen him wear. I couldn’t help but smile back.

[keiynantrieshisbest-blog]

My First Post

The reason I created this little ole blog is because, after having a mental breakdown at a deserted bus stop, minutes after watching Love, Simon for the second time (which by the way, wonderful movie, please go support it in theaters), is because my gender is something I’ve been questioning for much of my life and seems to be all that’s on my mind lately. So let’s start with yesterday’s breakdown. Actually let’s go back to Friday when I watched Love, Simon for the first time. I’d gone with a couple friends, and I had been anticipating this movie for a very long time. Ordered the book, read the book and re-read the book all in anticipation. The movie was wonderful, everything I’d hoped for and so much more, completely exceeded my expectations. I cried. A LOT. By the end (won’t spoil it in case you haven’t seen the movie yet which why are you still reading this go watch the freaking movie it’s amazing) I was a mess, actually sobbing out loud, a mix between a laugh and a sob ripping itself from my chest over and over as my fellow movie goers clapped loudly and cheered (it was opening night after all so you get the most enthusiastic folks). Finally (Or rather unfortunately, because I wanted the movie and that moment to last forever) the credits rolled and the lights came on. I was a complete mess in every sense of the word, my best friend seemed a little shocked saying how I had actually been sobbing in the seat next to her. After the last names had passed and the screen had gone fully and truly dark (I had insisted on staying for the credits because 1. I wanted the moment to last as long as possible and 2. I try to always stay for credits out of respect for the people who spent so long making the movie) we left and got a lyft back to our dorms (I’m a freshman in college). The whole ride back I was riding a high from the movie, basking in that feeling and going over each moment in my head. As I was sitting there though I started to get an un-easy feeling as I wondered, “why, exactly, did this movie about two boys falling in love mean so much to me?” I kind of shrugged it off but I felt this sort of frenzied anxiety in the pit of my stomach the rest of the night. My best friend and I walked back to our building after saying goodbye to the other friends who’d gone with us. We went up to one of our guy friends’ rooms to chill with some of our other friends. I was telling him about how the movie was and how much I’d loved it. I told him that I didn’t think I’d ever see a better movie, that I’d peaked. He said of course not, that someday I’d watch a movie called Love, Jenny or something about two girls falling in love and that I’d love that movie even more (this may be a good time, if you haven’t already figured, to tell you that I was assigned female at birth and that my college friends know me as a bi, cis girl). I knew as soon as he said it that he was wrong, I wouldn’t love that movie more. Because for some unexplainable reason, despite being a bi “girl” I don’t relate to lesbians or stories about lesbians. I always was interested in stories about gay men and sought out those stories, got excited and animated about those stories, those people or characters. Take my book collection for example. I love to collect books and so far I have two queer romance stories (which is very sad, not a ton of gay fiction out there, either that or I’m terrible at finding it). Both these books are gay love stories about boys. And for the same reason I only own books about gay BOYS falling in love, is the same reason I was indescribably excited for Love, Simon not just because it’s the first real love story about gay youth I’ve ever seen but because it was a love story about two BOYS. Because it literally felt like the story was made for me in mind, that’s how much I related to Simon. Only I’m not Simon, I’m biologically female. Only I think I want to be like Simon. I’ve had this unexplainable longing to be a boy for probably as long as I can remember. Only I never once considered I might be trans until recently because my gender expression has always seemed to align fine with female. I’ve experience dysphoria before, but never to the extent described online. Don’t get me wrong, when I do get it it is all consuming and horrifically painful. But I never experienced it like this constant thing, dictating everything I did. I can remember one night in particular where I so badly felt that my genitals were wrong, that I was meant to have a penis and if I didn’t find a way to get one it might kill me. It was kind of like having a phantom limb, something that i just felt so badly was supposed to be there, and the thought that I never would have that tore me up. But that was one night and I don’t get these all encompassing thoughts on the regular. Another example would be how I once had a dream I had a penis, it was a pretty awesome dream and when I woke up and was faced with the entirely too real fact that I did not in fact have a penis and it’d only been a dream. I was upset by this. But again this happened once and it’s not something I experience regularly. I guess I felt (feel) as though since I’m not crippled day to day with horrible dysphoria, I couldn’t possibly be trans. Growing up I liked dresses and barbies and pink and anything girly. I had been the perfect little girl, not a sign of anything out of the ordinary. I never insisted I wasn’t a girl, I never refused to wear feminine clothing or participate in feminine activities. I had a favorite skirt that was layers of ruffled pink fabric with hearts covering every inch, i wore it often. I think it was maybe that I did enjoy these feminine things, have always enjoyed feminine things, and that maybe I didn’t see the issue of being stuck in the wrong gender because, as far as I was concerned, I was getting to play with the toys I wanted and dress how I wanted. I don’t think I understood what gender was, or at least I wasn’t confronted with it. Not until I grew older. Once puberty started to affect my body, that’s when I think I started to realize something was wrong. I remember how one of my sister’s friends pointed out my leg hair and told me I need to shave my legs. Because that was normal of girls. Until she pointed that out I hadn’t been concerned with my leg hair in the least. I just remember feeling a really deep sense of shame when she pointed that out and it wasn’t long after that, that I asked my mom to help me shave my legs for the first time. I began to shave quite religiously after that. There’s another instance I remember quite clearly in my mind that probably happened around the same time. I was with a friend in the cafeteria getting ice cream. She had commented that you could see my breasts through my shirt (my breasts had started to bud and were now noticeable through my shirt). Once again I was filled with a deep sense of shame and embarrassment. It seems that my gender wasn’t really something that concerned me until people started to point out that I wasn’t meeting the standards of “my” gender. I hit middle school, which yikes for anybody am I right? I started to gain weight, a lot of weight. Probably a way to cope. I started wearing big loose t-shirts and shorts constantly and I always wore my hair up in a bun. I felt perpetually uncomfortable like nothing about me was right and everything felt wrong. Looking back I think maybe I thought it was just the weight making me uncomfortable (not easy being overweight ever, especially in middle school) but now I think it was a lot more than that, that maybe I was dealing with some heavy dysphoria at the fact that my body was changing and not in the way I wanted it to. So I think I always knew something was up. Freshman year of high school I moved to a new country and I met a boy I very much liked. I decided I was gonna do whatever I could to make this boy like me. I started losing weight and wearing make up and doing all in my power to be this perfect girl. This is also when I started to become confronted with the fact that I was bi and liked girls. I was homophobic from the environment I’d grownup in and had a lot of internalized homophobia. I remember my best friend at the time talking about same sex couples. I’d declared that it was a sin and that I didn’t care what other people did but that I still thought it was wrong. She’d said she didn’t agree, that she thought love was love and people should marry whoever they loved. She sort of started me on the path of accepting myself. I started to explore my sexuality. My sister introduced me to tumblr and I made a blog, making lots of cringey posts about the animes I watched and the straight couple I hardcore shipped. Then I found the gay side of tumblr, endless fanart and fanfic about gay couples from shows I watched. I didn’t have the words or capability to understand why I felt so connected to these characters or why I felt so much reading these stories and looking at this art. For some reason I became all consumed with gay BOYS. I wondered if I was a pervert, someone who fetishized gay boys like I’d seen in so many posts. It became a point of discomfort I ignored rather than confront and continued to consume as much gay media and content about gay BOYS as possible, happily ignoring the nagging in the back of my head of why that might be. As I grew into a high schooler and moved again and started a new school, I’d finally seemed to come to terms with my sexuality. Or at least I knew I was bi, had even whispered it to myself alone in the dark bedroom that was supposed to be mine but I didn’t feel comfortable in yet. Now that the sexuality question was out of the way, my brain decided to tackle the next topic: my gender. I came across a post by someone I followed describing how they were genderfluid. I’d never heard the term before and as they described how they’d always felt like a boy in high school, about having this desperate want to be a boy, I thought oh! That’s just like me. Genderfluid became a term I would use to describe myself for the rest of high school and now into college. I decided that I liked being a girl, didn’t want to give that part of myself up. I decided I sometimes felt like a girl (because i enjoyed feminine things and connected with my feminine side), sometimes I felt like neither (coming from my desire for gender to not just exist at all “it’s just so stupid and meaningless” I often thought, “gender doesn’t even really exist so why should be care about it at all”) and sometimes feeling like a boy. I still have my doubts as I write what seems to be a coming out post to myself. And i guess to whoever’s reading this if anyone’s reading it. Doubts that maybe I am genderfluid because I can be content as a girl at times, have lived content as a girl. But see the thing is genderfluid felt like the bandaid I used to cover up my gender crisis. It kept everything from spilling out and for awhile I was satisfied with the label, really believed it. I’m currently in my second semester of my first year of college and lately I’ve been extremely anxious and unmotivated. And lately genderlfuid has felt wrong. So wrong. As I was explaining to my wonderful friends I met on this site so long ago who helped me come out to my sister as both bi and genderfluid, I didn’t feel like genderlfuid was right. Have really been feeling for awhile now that it isn’t right, that I never connected to it the way I was supposed to. It seemed that a label was supposed to click and just feel so perfectly right and genderfluid just didn’t. So I after watching Love, Simon the first time and having all these sorts of thoughts swirl through my head I decided to text one of these online friends whos boyfriend is a transguy. I asked her, “can I ask how [her boyfriend] knew he was trans?” She was wonderful and said of course and sent me his snapchat. He was at work though so I didn’t end up getting to talk to him. I think some part of me started to panic though because I was seriously starting to ask myself this because of how I’d felt on the ride home the night before. I ignored it and instead went and bought bus tokens and rode alone to the movie theater to watch Love, Simon again. Did i mention I was by myself?! A huge deal because I have really bad anxiety and never do anything alone like that. So I go and I sit smack dab in the middle of the theater in the perfect seat and can’t even bring myself to be ashamed of how shamelessly I took the middle seat when I’m all alone because I’m just bursting with excitement. And it was almost as wonderful as watching it the first time or at least it would have been if I hadn’t felt that same frenzied anxiety deep in the pit of my stomach. It was really strange and I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling this way. I still loved the movie and I cried quite a lot again. Particularly in all the parts with Simon and his family. I left the theater feeling a bit weird but happy because I love the movie. I rushed over to the bus stop because I mixed up the times and thought this other bus was the one I needed. I realized it wasn’t and that I was gonna have to wait a long time out in the cold. I was feeling kind of emotional from the movie so I pulled out my phone and started to record myself talking to kill the time. “Sometimes I wish I could live in a moment. A perfectly suspended moment. Where nothing is wrong and everything goes perfect. Everything is so dissatisfying that I wonder if I’ll ever find anything that feels remotely like it’s supposed to and I don’t know that I will.” Then I moved on starting to imagine how I’d come out to my other sister who I’ve yet to come out to. I won’t include that because it’s very personal but I started to get teary. I shut my phone off and went back to waiting for the bus. But suddenly I burst into tears. For no apparent reason and I couldn’t stop crying. I started to think some bad thoughts about killing myself, that nothing was worth it and I should just stop. My counselor and I had made a list of people I could call if I was thinking suicidal thoughts again. So i pulled my phone out and called my sister (the one I’m out to) because she’s on the top of my list. She picked up right away and I was still full on sobbing, tears running down my face and she could hear it immediately. I said I couldn’t stop crying and I didn’t know why. She thought something had happened I said nothing had happened, I just burst into tears and I couldn’t stop. We talked for a bit, I say talked but I mostly stuttered out words between sobs without making any sense to her or myself. I said I didn’t know why I was crying. I finally said i had to hang up so I could calm down before my bus got here because talking to her was only making me cry harder. Only even after hanging up and promising I was okay and I’d text her when I got back I still couldn’t stop sobbing. I told myself to stop, you’re fine you have to stop. I pulled it together long enough to climb on the bus and hopefully the driver didn’t notice I’d been crying, luckily no one was on the bus. I spent the thirty minute bus ride back to my dorm desperately trying to hold back tears and staring at myself at my reflection in the window across from me. My head was swirling with thoughts and I was so disoriented by it all I couldn’t figure out why I had seemed to just have a breakdown. I arrived back at my building and when I walked inside I was bombarded with my friends who were sitting in the lobby. They were all so cheerful saying hey! Where’ve you been. One of my friends coming up to give me a side hug and stand next to me. I could barely keep a smile on my face, I felt on the verge of crying again. I barely said anything and did my best to slip away heading for the elevators. My best friend (who’s also my roommate) jumped up from her seat and said she was going to come up with me. We rode the elevator to our room and she talked excitedly the whole way there, I did my best to respond but I felt so completely out of it. She ran off to the bathroom and I sat numbly at my desk, plugging my phone in as it was about to die and feeling tears well up in my eyes again. I wanted to call my sister but two of our other roommates were there and I knew I’d burst into tears the second I heard her voice. My best friend returned and she asked me if I was going to come down. I said I needed to call my sister and my voice was shaking in that crying way. She asked if I was okay. I said nothing happened but I needed to call my sister. She tired to come up with where I could go. I asked if she thought our friend who lives in a single would lend me his room. She asked him for me and guided me out of our room and to the elevators. He was already in there, he gave me a hug and we rode up to his floor. He handed me the keys to his room and they said to text them if I needed anything. Then they went back downstairs. My friends are good like that. I went to his room, he had on his purple light so the room was dark except for that. I plugged in my phone and climbed on his bed. I called my sister. We talked for awhile and I started crying again. We discussed why I might’ve cried. She said it’s an emotional movie for me so I was probably just feeling a lot of things from it. And that was definitely part of it but it was also more than that, and I knew that it was more than that. I told her in tears that I just wanted to be out. I said I didn’t know who I was. She didn’t understand, I didn’t understand. After I’d calmed down a bit I said I should go because I didn’t know what else to say. After we hung up I cried again. I cried and I cried and I cried. I listened to the Love, Simon soundtrack and I sat in the dark and cried for a very long time. I still feel a bit confused about it all but I think part of me realized I was realizing that I’m not genderfluid, that I might be trans. And that was a lot, and with that revelation the bandaid cracked and everything I’ve been feeling just kind of came pouring out. I think I knew that I didn’t just relate to Simon because he’s queer but because he’s a boy. And that freaked me out and it scared me. And my mind didn’t know what to do with that information. I spent the whole day today watching videos about trans guys and researching as much information as possible. And I made this blog, for some reason. I guess it’s a way to explore my identity and figure out if I really am trans. So if you got this far, thanks for listening. And talk to you soon.

Love, Keiynan

[amaliadwip]

The Art of Letting Go

https://medium.com/lady-vivra/getting-rid-of-toxic-people-4f143869d839 (Source)

“Above all, toxic people thrive on their ability to control the people and circumstances in their life. It’s not a loving or helpful control, it’s an all consuming need to be king of the castle, and it’s destructive to relationships and self-esteem alike. Everything a truly toxic person does is to keep the people around them small and manageable.

They criticize, judge and oppress — and they enjoy every minute of it. Toxic people will do anything to keep someone in their place and the more you try to “step out of rank”, the more they’ll pile on the toxic behavior and manipulation that allows them to regain control. They’ll do anything to put you back in the box they believe you belong in, and unless you know how to understand and react they’ll get you back in there too.

This behavior is often learned in childhood, when their Base Line is formed through experiences that teach (or fail to teach) them the empathy that is so base to our positive development as human beings. As they grow, they miss out on all the great aspects of respect, compassion and kindness. Their hearts harden and their attitudes grow icy and they become unable to look past their own needs and wants.

Individuals who are toxic are most often broken people, who look for the kind, open people with the beautiful and transformative hearts they wish that they had. Even the strongest person in the world can find themselves trapped in a poisonous relationships, with no energy to leave, all because they were targeted for their openness and understanding.

We stay in toxic relationships — with our friends, with our family — because we think we can change them. The honest truth, though, is that no one can change unless they want to. All we can do is learn to manage our reactions and our proximity to those who would tear the world down, given the choice.”

“Instead of shoving all those emotions deep down inside, face them and accept that getting rid of the toxic people in our lives isn’t always a straight-forward process. Just because someone has been bad for you doesn’t mean you don’t love them or care for them. Let the pain in and let yourself process all the negative and positive emotions that come along with all the upset.

Realizing how someone made you feel bad will help you to learn what you will and won’t accept in the future…but you have to spend time with those uncomfortable feelings to reach this higher, ultimate truth. Let your emotions in and embrace them like the old friends that they are. Whether good or bad, they are with us for life.”

There is only one truth in this life that matters: the things that make us grow are the things that we should follow with the full fury of our souls.

Growth means a lot of things, but it also means walking away from the things that no longer suit us. It’s all a game of grace and boundaries and it’s one that can only be decided by us.

“It is only ourselves who determine the conditions which we will or will not tolerate. If someone treats us poorly, it is because we have allowed them to.Pursue the things that make you feel like a better person and you’ll unlock the power of loving yourself.

Putting it all together…

Sometimes, choosing health and wholeness means cutting out the people who are cancerous to our growth. The world is full of those who would genuinely love, but it is also full of those who don’t even know how to love themselves (let alone anyone else). Knowing how to spot these people and remove them from our lives — no matter who they are — is one of the most difficult skills we can ever master, but it’s imperative to our survival and happiness.

Walking away from toxicity isn’t easy but it is always brave and it is always right. Letting go may even come with guilt, anger and rage but it is these feelings that teach us the most about ourselves and what we want. There is not always two sides to a story. Sometimes, there is only one. Know your story and make yourself the hero of it by accepting nothing less than the treatment you deserve in this life. No relationship is worth destroying and diminishing the light that shines within us. Know how to walk away when the time is right.”

[cum-om-me]

Personal Entry:

Otter here, first i guess itd be fair to explain a few things up top.

Firstly Otter is a metaphorical alter ego which was created based of a nick name given to me in highh school.

I was coined as "the nomadic Otter" due to my well known history of drifting continuously through this existence being born in a foreign land not to many continents away,but like a gracious river otter flowing with the rivers which eventually reach the seas, i was always stoned more naive, but ironically zen. I was brought here by my single mother at four yrs old, my father was never in the picture nor was i allowed to speak about him or inquire about him to my family and those who may have any information regarding the history of my own coming into being.

We became permanent residents four years later and im currently going through the process of naturalization. I went through the american education system since pre kindergarten so naturalization has occured as an outcome, but just isn't finalized and paid for so i am now going through that initiation. Ive paid and gone through the preliminary round.

We landed in a small town in texas, age four. Came to california at fifteen, twenty years id moved one year to, year and a half due to my mothers profession In the medical field, sometimes, or i guess i should say almost always, we would have to go to where the work was most needed in order to sustain our basic living, taking us all over texas and parts of southern california. After eighteen yrs of age, i left home with duffel bag and a guitar because i wanted to escape the conventual fate planned for me by my elders.

Nature loves courage.... And it is Apparently so.

Of course there are so many factors and so much information to divulge to add the proper context to the point im trying to get to in the conclusion of this story. Im afraid id diverge so ill have to return to all that some other day.

Now that you understand where the otter ego within me (pun intended) was teased and entertained as an ideal character for the person i am, its seeds didnt really start sprouting till last year (2019) and its peaked above the mud, i can explain my newly found understanding of the purpose of using this "alter ego" "character" "avatar" to be able to dissolve the borders of my own limitations as a person creating art. To be able to truly entertain these thoughts through the medium of the otter avatar and not as the man, for it has been increasingly difficult for me to be able to contemplate and philosophize with my peers and the community of souls i once accepted as my tribe, in a way of intellectual taste and progress.. Now it seems the bridges between me and the village are dissolving and im trying to understand why. I stand on the side which i believe to be that of the importance of knowledge of self, critical thinking, and responsible skepticism in order to be able maintain reason within the tribe, to perserve that which is most human in our nature, in comparison to the madness we have seen over and over throughout history displaying itself in obvious patterns of repetition that consumed mobs rabidly, making itself its own enemy. Lets use a symbolic metaphor. The snake eats its own tail in the delusions of unity to find when its finished nothing remains but its mind left exposed, and without protection from even the weakest but competent prey.

You see the metaphors are simply the inner poet, using symbolic visual linguistic tools to paint a clearer picture.

We are a story driven organism, just ask the keepers of morality and the stories of god which has defined the basis of our now hypocritical society using it like a crutch too old to withstand the withering of time, frail and ready to snap like a twig beneath ones feet.

As george carlin once said "no one seems to notice, no one seems to care" and every debate that has naturally transpired in my social structures as of late has lead to a point where logical conclusions, non threatening ones at that, lead to the opposing side raising their white flag and settling for mediocrity. "I dont care, leave me alone"

Then the attack on personality and character are used as a defenses to preserve the beliefs already founded due to the uncomfortable nature of growth.

I sit and watch as i always have the flicker, flame and smell of the bridge burning in blazes right before my teary eyed soul.

Am I no longer included, wanted by the collective community? Has my own pursuit for knowledge, understanding, truth and the inner rapture of personal discovery lead me to ruins door? Am i incapable of getting out of my own way? Can you even go to far within yourself?

No one wants me to feel but its not ok to feel nothing at all

To think but, only on the agreeable subjects of status quo

To speak when spoken to but to only speak what is conveniently easy to digest by a still watered mind threatened by the chaos of waves beating on the shores of its shared sands.

Has erosion driven us mad. Have the corrupted springs poisoned our waters too far beyond repair.

Must i reluctantly recluse amidst the tides and hide underneath lonely currents that travel vast desserts beneath oceans.

Pandemics, parks closed, beaches are now illegal to its native children, by a seemingly upset stepdad whos love is equal to obedience and incapable of parenting,it seems theyre now gunning for the fringe, the free, the open, the love expressed through physical incarnation as its own self love for its own existence, through the odd, differnt, freaks, weirdos, mutants, prophets, and visionaries

Why should i fight for those who dont care about their own person their, own freedom.

Why stand for those who wouldnt even stand with you, nor for you.

"Those who trade freedom for security deserve neither"

-Benjamin Franklin

Yet who am i to claim that anyone deserves anything or doesnt. So regardless of the I Dont Care Generation emerging. I choose to care for not what is principles of good or evil but what i intuitively feel is sincere and right. So I must begin with myself and only in following intention will i be able to incite any real change. By making a difficult choice and knowing that it feels as though the risk is worth the gamble.

So now ive heard loud and clear and i have nothing else to let go of but this. So ill hold my tongue and wish for the best. For the eutopia not the the sneaky slip into distopia.

There's nothing further i can do other than create, experiance, enjoy, let go, and face the music, To put it as Alan Watts did, " this doesnt mean you wont jump when you hear the bang, or that you wont feel fear, but youll accept it, and the person who understands the tao in the morning my sleep peacefully at night"

"Once the mind has been extended it cant ever go back"

-Terrence Mckenna

I hope that you know ive accepted the multitudes of possible outcomes for our future, i may be optimistic but i feel prepared, oddly prepared. This isnt a statement or message based on fear but something none the lesse my heart cannot hold in.

So Otter is born so to speak to embody the imagination im trying to let out without it being taken seriously, but sincerely and within the temple of the timeless. Art.

Without it having to be the me, the person, that funny feeling between the eyes that screams out I, who finds himself walking away from flames due to trial and failure in channeling its own expression. I will not desist i just must evolve and create the platform on which i may rebuild. The system updated and the restart brought about change. Now we begin again. Full of breath, with new found vision, i forgive myself for my failures but i wouldnt ever be able to look at my own reflection if i didnt try until i got it right. I vow to myself and olny to myself for thats the only source of validation needed to exist freely, sovereign, that i will do my best to be who i am meant to be, the being and self of my choosing.

"Most people spend their lives trying to find themselves, lifes about creating yourself"

-Bob Dylan

So in conclusion i know im different, and it may be intimidating but you cant just get rid of it, turns out you must overcome it, and the only way out is through and for me that began when i went within.

I am all for the rules, and being apart of this country and its society and obeying social order but as John Locke wrote in "Common Sense" that this is an unspoken agreement between the govenrment and its people that so long as they are just in ruling us" we will have to obey the law but there must be a way for its people to regain its country when tyranny and injustice is getting in the way of democratic processes and this is coming from a almost fully naturalized immigrant that came here to seek safe haven from a Democratic country plagued by unfairness. It would be a pitty to see it happen to a promise land founded of rich ideals. To those ive come to see as my own brothers and sisters, i love the ideal of true patriotism but where has it gone? If i need to be more protective of my personal privacy so that i may be able to practice my philosophical self studies, music, and comedy, to persue basic creative thinking methods openly. Then i choose this mask nit the one i was told to wear since birth. Theres always an person beneath the mask playing into the drama of this darma and we get into yoga with its fun to preten that we loose ourselves and assume the identity of the character portrayed in the scene in order to truly bring the crowd to the edge of its seat in awe and anticipation of the beauty of its poetry that at the end when the play is concluded both protagonist and antagonist join hands and the audience cheers for both equally for the dazzling deception and its cleverness for playing on the emotions of the observer.

Then the cast returns to the green room and become again who they were naturally.

Im 26 and ive found my character and im ready to submerse myself in its divine play and get involved participate, get lost in the mask of the person which is temporary but the spark behind conciousness seems to be the driving energy of existence benevolent, and eternel. Worth gambling so, now we roll the dice and hit the mystery button, just like the amnesia serum we gave ourselves before conception, into the womb we went. Only when you awaken your consciousness in the dream do you get to control the avatar, lucidly.

It doesnt seem to be a requirement, more like an EXPERIANCE badge rewarded for interesting work in the feild.

These again are ideals, not truths, thoughts and patterns worth examining and if capable entertaining till the conclusions and realizations of truth or delusion run their course. If you havent reached that point you havent really thought it through logistically right?

Lets discuss this comment below.

[tsqdance]

Starting with the chillwave movement and French touch acts and artists in the late 2000′s, music with a decidedly 80′s influence has been in vogue for the better part of a decade now. Proto-synthwave acts like Anoraak, Justice, and M83 helped start and continued to stoke the fires of the 80′s revival. By the early 2010′s, acts like Com Truise and Mitch Murder began perfecting and popularizing 80′s influenced electronic sounds, and some offshoots of those movements followed with a deadset intention on perfectly emulating those neon 80′s vibes. Outrun differed from synthwave, chillwave, and vaporwave in that the intent seemed to be to recreate those specific sounds utilizing equipment and techniques from that bygone era. Acts like Betamaxx, Lazerhawk, and Miami Nights 1984 created landmark albums and EPs that led to a steady increase in the internet’s thirst for the sounds of yesteryear. Today, we have artists like Carpenter Brut, Gunship, and Power Glove doing things like releasing physical albums, playing at music festivals, and soundtracking apps and major video games. As a result, though, the outrun synthwave movement has also become saturated with people that want to emulate the sound of the 80′s, so it’s become a bit more difficult to find those diamonds. One such absolute precious stone in that rough is Jim Govoni’s project Botnit. Having been a huge fan of his intricate melodies and incredibly punchy and polished work for quite some time, I felt like Jim’s work was a best kept secret that is severely underrated. Having truly considered his work among the best that the entire genre has to offer, I was elated when he agreed to an interview. The resultant conversations that followed were way too long to post, so I’ll stick with just the highlights of my interview with Jim Govoni (Botnit).

1. What is the story behind the moniker "Botnit"?

It doesn't mean anything as a matter of fact. When I first started making tunes, it was under the name "Bill vs. the World", which was really cheesy electronic tunes with secretly-recorded audio of my friend Bill yelling at video games played over it, honestly: https://billvstheworld.bandcamp.com/ When I started making serious music, this didn't really work out, so I needed a better name. My friend (who later put out synthwave tunes under the name Roburai) and I were regulars at a gym at the time, and developed a fairly strong micro-language. I worked in a few from my past playing video games with my younger sister. The video game Tekken 2 had a fighter named Baek Doo San, this somehow transformed into Nit San Face for short, and when it transferred to Roburai chats, the 'nit' part became a suffix to other words, like Beentnit, Fartnit, and Botnit was just one of those. When it was time to pick a name, he recommended to just take Botnit, so I did.

2. How would you describe your own music?

Tough question, I think emotion is a big part of music, when it lacks it, I sort of sit there and wonder what the hell the point is. I can remember back in 2012 when I started making serious synthwave, that I wanted to be able to make tunes with feelings, to allow a person feel a certain way about a song, without having to force-feed them vocals as instructions on how they should feel. My only real goal was to have a nice little package of 10 songs, or 8 in the case of State of the Art, and have it all sound like it was made by the same guy at the same time, which was difficult as the albums ranged from 6 months to a year and a half in completion time. Obviously you change a little bit over time, so it's tricky. I think all it takes to make evocative music is to let the synths do the talking for you, so that's what I do. I don't crush you with heavily compressed Drumulator kicks and bass arps and upside down crosses, because it's been done already by many copycats and phonies, quite frankly. At the time I started, Mitch Murder was one of the few artists to put lots of old samples in their tunes, and I took a cue from him, speaking of copycats.

3. What are your greatest influences (artists, experiences, weather, etc.)?

Musically Mitch's "Current Events" and Betamaxx's "Interface" were giant influences, as well as MPM Soundtracks, who made some synthwave that has yet to be surpassed in my own opinion (Summer of '84, original, NOT the Flashworx remix). Like a lot of people back then, the movie "Drive" definitely set something in motion for me, but I think it was more about an aesthetic than the two big tunes that came from that film. Almost more important, I used to work at a video arcade in the late 90's, and those experiences shaped a good number of tunes ('Hi-Score', 'Arcade Cowboy', 'I'm Somebody Tonight')

4.  What is your opinion on the ever-changing structure of independent music?

This could go on forever, but all I will say as a main point is that I like how social media helps people get exposure. Bandcamp helped me incredibly, as did soundcloud. But a big problem is that whoever promotes themselves the most wins, they get the most plays, they get the most attention, because they self-promote. I don't self-promote really unless like, I'm trying to raise 100 buyers for a vinyl release for it to be manufactured, and I'll post twice about it. There's a few synthwavers, including one I have met in person, who I feel makes supremely inferior music to me, if I'm to be honest. The guy's very nice, but I think his synthwave is objectively bad - though he has 20 times the followers because he promotes the shit out of himself, nonstop each day, so you can either have 100,000 people come across your music and 2,000 like it, or 1500 people come across you music and 900 people like it, I think I'd take the latter. But it just sort of seems like connections, pay to play (promote), and "what's hot" will always be king. At least in independent music also, you can be successful and not have to look like a model also. It's not a coincidence that somehow the most popular singers all don't look like weathered clock tower keepers, but that is another topic for another time. :-)

5. Does making music pay the bills? Is it more of a dedicated hobby?

Definitely a hobby at this point, I never really had aspirations of it becoming a career, as I started making music when I was 33 years old, and already had a career. I put out albums in 2013, 2014 and 2017, and I haven't actually made any new music since August 2017, and don't really have any plans to make more right now. (I think retiring in 2015 really hurt me). Every now and then I think about breaking the keyboard back out, but I haven't yet, as I don't have such a desire to anymore. I like making the tunes, but it's so unbelievably time-consuming. You could work for 3 hours on tunes and come away with nothing. I simply can't afford that at this point in my life. As for paying the bills, I lucked out this year as a very well-known Twitch streamer started playing my tunes on his streams, and they were added to some Spotify playlist based on him. Revenue from that allowed me to buy a new computer this year after about 9 months of saving botnit money. So I can't stress enough if you're an artist, get your tunes on Spotify/General Digital Distribution if you want anyone to really hear it. Bandcamp is dead, they just don't know it yet.

6. What do you do for a living, and do you like it?

Some of my coworkers know my artist name and look it up from time to time, so I will be careful here. I work as a network engineer a major New England university. Do I like it? I like it when the internet works, less so when it does not. There's a pretty good work/life balance in higher education, a workplace not driven by profits and corporate greed is a great thing, but it's tough - Early in my career we were rolling out wireless internet to buildings that never had it before, like dormitories, or adding it all over a building instead of centrally locating it in a student lounge or something. We were like white knights bringing freedom of wireless computing to people. Fast forward 10 years, and people are upset when they can't watch 4K netflix on their 3 wireless devices simultaneously, and only pulling down moderately awesome speeds that beat anything they could get at home. Wireless went from a privilege to a commodity, like water and electricity, your sewer bill, and some of that shine will never really come back. Some days I wish I ran a taco truck, or was a winemaker or something, but that's no cake life either. Most people don't love their jobs, but you find something you're good at, and you just try to do good work.

7. What are some other things you enjoy about life besides art?

Video games, definitely a part of my DNA, retrogames specifically, Genesis, PlayStation 1, Dreamcast. 90's arcade games (it's somewhat of a secret that I'm actually much more of a fan of the 90's than the 80's). I spend a lot of my time around video games, though it's waned in the last few years as I move on with my life and there's other things that need to be done instead. Sometimes I think I'm less of a video game fan and more of a nostalgia fan. I like dining out, when a new restaurant in my city opens up, I like checking it out, having a fancy cocktail. I like wine a lot, going to Napa Valley on my honeymoon was a great experience, and someplace I can see retiring someday (I'm 38 years old, Jesus). I used to like running, 5k's mostly, but have done a 10k and a half marathon, though I don't run anywhere near what I used to these days. We cook a lot, and go to the Boston Ballet about 3 or 4 times a year, which is a wholly expensive experience overall, but my wife enjoys it very much, and I dig it too, it's a fun night out. I think sometimes I don't enjoy enough about life than I should. I'm approaching middle age now and I've never been out of North America, not that I've had a real desire to, but I need to spend more time enjoying little things that might not register as a real event if a day were to be summed up, just something to be happy about.

8. As a known music fan, what are some of best musical experiences you have had with other people's music?

I don't think I ever told this story, but I used to be a focus group game tester for Harmonix here in Boston. I was a fan of their first music video game FreQuency for the PlayStation 2, and before Amplitude came out, I was Harmonix's forums moderator, so they would occasionally bring me in to test new games. I playtested Amplitude, 2 Karaoke Revolution games, an Eye Toy game also for PS2, and Rock Band 1, all before they were released to the public. I went to the Guitar Hero and Rock Band release parties in Boston, that was a hell of a time. I applied to be a game tester when Guitar Hero 1 was in production, but didn't get the job (the pay was terrible anyway, sour grapes). A lot of the bonus songs in those games were Harmonix employees, so meeting them was really cool, and going to all their concerts in the mid-2000's was a unique thing, special slice of life, something that you can really only do in your early 20's. I even helped a bit with Guitar Hero II forum moderation (I'm listed in the Thank You's in the game credits). Synthwave wise, I can remember being on the third date with my future wife, and playing her Mitch Murder's "In the News" to demonstrate what kind of music I liked. And before that, riding the train to Boston listening to Betamaxx's "Senior Year '84" and "Contra", wondering how the hell me made such cool tunes, and not thinking I would ever make anything like that.

9. Also, what are some of the most memorable moments for you in your own musical journey?

Too many to list, but I'll try: Being a fan of New Retro Wave and them picking my album for album of the week twice, back when they actually answered my emails (though it was 2013, so it might have been the only synthwave release that week :-)) There was a little synthwave meetup in 2015 with Marko Maric, Protector 101 and myself, hell of a fun time. I've seen Com Truise and Toro y Moi live in the last couple years, both big influences, DJ Tiesto and Paul Oakenfold in 2000 and 2001 respectively, though I don't fancy live music so much. Seeing Maniac Synth's music video for Hi-Score was mindblowing to me, and super awesome. Related strictly to my music, I'm pretty selective about a song making it to an album - there's no more than 10 tunes per album, and I want there to be no fillers. For this to happen, there has to be a point in making a tunes where it just clicks, you get an idea to try something, and either by mistake or on purpose, you play it back, hearing this tune for the first time, and you're just smiling stupidly because you realize you just made a new album track. It's an intoxicating high actually. Oddly enough I'm far enough removed from my early pre-Vivid Memories tunes from early 2013 that I'm already nostalgic about it when I listen back. I remember time alone in my apartment when I could bang out 1 song a week, music production was all new, and how somehow synthwave was just more relevant back then.

10. Ever have anything particularly weird happen while touring or playing shows (if applicable)?

I've never played live, I don't really have the setup. I could just get up there and play mp3's and push buttons and bob around like an idiot, I guess. There's a guy in San Francisco who runs a club that's asked me to come out and play so many times I feel bad, but it's 3,000 miles away and maybe I should try it in Boston first. :-)

If you enjoyed getting to know Jim better or already enjoy his work, click HERE to be one of the final 13 people (at the time of this post) to reserve your vinyl copy of a limited pressing of only 100 copies of his 2013 full-length “Vivid Memories”. It’s only $15.99, which is a steal for a wonderful piece of visual art and arguably one of outrun synthwave’s most polished and melodic releases to date. Check out my favorite deep cut from the album, “Innovation“, if you need convincing.

[schrisnicholas]

Black Fox - An Undercooked Burrito

The other day I went to chipotle,

I was excited because I hadn’t been in a while and I was really in the mood for a burrito. I waited in line and when I got to the front and saw all the ingredients it all looked so good, it made me a little more excited for what I was about to sit down and enjoy, but once I got my food and actually sat down to enjoy it I learned that looks could be deceiving, all of my excitement and joy dwindled down about fifty percent once I realized that the rice was undercooked. However, even though the rice was ruined the beans, chicken, salsa, and sour cream all still tasted wonderful and made up for an otherwise disappointing trip out for lunch. But... What if the Beans were undercooked too? What if everything else would have been as upsetting as the rice? Well, I would have hated my experience asked for a manager and complain about it.

Black Fox was a very similar experience for me, I Haven’t kept up with current anime in what feels like years and heck I’ve barely gone back to watch anything old in quite some time as well. But much like that burrito, the other night I began to crave the anime I used to consume daily. I created a new CrunchyRoll account and signed up for premium, the poster for Black Fox caught my eye and I actually thought the color, character designs, and art style looked really cool together. I knew nothing about it and at first thought, it was a series only learning it was a movie after seeing the length of the video and a quick google search. but if it wasn’t for that search I would’ve been incredibly confused. from the pacing of the story to the lackluster visuals I could have sworn I was watching a series, but the more I watched the more it felt like a series that was poorly edited down to a movie. I Won’t take the time to explain the plot, mainly because everything happened so fast without almost any explanation and the little bit of the story I could understand, and that’s not saying there was much to understand was so incredibly underdeveloped it would be hard to quickly describe so I’ll just leave a link here to the Wikipedia page you can read.

But the other reason is that this isn’t a review and it’s not meant to convince you if you should watch it or not, no I'm only writing this all out because after I was done watching I felt so strongly mixed that I had to do something I so rarely dare to do, read the comments.

I was amazed that for the most part, it received generally favorable comments. I was so shocked by this that I went to google only to find that at the time of typing this out it holds a 7.02/10 Star rating on MAL with a total of 11,305 ratings and a 6.3/10 out of 114 reviews on IMDB with 95% of google users saying they liked the movie. 

Now I should take the time to make it clear before going forward that I didn’t hate Black Fox the same way I Didn’t hate that chipotle burrito. It wasn’t bad it just felt undercooked and like it was missing something. For example, I’ll start by saying the first problem is that this Anime feels like it’s having an identity crisis as to whether it’s a movie or a series, SAG Defines a feature-length film at minimum to be 80 minutes long, with Black Fox clocking in at a 90 minute run time it definitely meets that requirement but somehow manages to feel too short while dragging on because we as the audience are never properly introduced to any of the main characters apart from Rikka.

We are never shown the relationship between Allen and his former friends that led to Lauren’s jealously, Never shown exactly what Allen did before or why he created the drones beyond wanting to make friends for people? that’s what I got at least from the film's explanation. it’s never properly explained what Gradsheim does, and what makes that even more confusing is Allen at the beginning of the film telling Brad “you want to use them for war?” which he laughs at, then at the end of the film a reporter saying to brad that the company helped develop the city? their facility is heavily guarded and protected but we don’t know why or what they plan to use the drone research for? Lauren is never shown to be mentally stable at all so him becoming or already being crazy felt so empty since the only time we see Allen, Brad and Lauren together is in a picture where they both ALREADY look extremely evil??? In the same way, the relationship between Lauren and Mia is touched on so little, just like how beyond playing chess in one scene Mia and Rikka are never seen bonding or getting to know each other. Almost as soon as Rikka takes her in after they both refuse to kill each other they argue, Mia calls her father and stupidly believes he’ll turn himself in for killing Allen and Rikka’s Grandfather then in the next scene are attacked. and somehow within these three scenes, they share some kind of close bond? or at least that’s what it feels like they want us to believe from the final battle. now throw in that so little about their world or any of its characters are ever explained it makes it hard to care about anything happening in the film. And I refuse to even talk about Melissa because so little is ever explained or shown about her beyond finding out that she’s also a drone? which felt like a legitimate surprise but was never brought up ever again until the very end of the film.

I Even like some of the elements introduced in the story but since every element is just mentioned and never built upon it all feels useless, And that’s why it feels like a series more than a movie. Everything happens so fast and we move on before ever learning what just happened then we're introduced to something new in the next scene! If this was a series that had more time to slow down and have the audience understand what's happening I would have really enjoyed Black Fox. And That’s the major undercooked rice, everything else I was hoping to enjoy would have come from the visuals but sadly nothing about Black Fox truly stands out apart from a few frames I noticed mix into mostly boring and generic backgrounds and the end of the film, the aesthetic in the poster is only ever really present in the last two minutes of the film as well. However credit where credit is due I did really like the use of CG and I enjoyed Rikka, Mia and Melissa's character designs. It’s a shame though that we only really see their best designs as the movie closes. The animation also never really stood out apart from the action scenes but even then they’re nothing to write home about.

The movie ends on a cliffhanger but with no promise of a sequel or series in the future, I really can’t recommend Black Fox because while it left a lot to be desired with cool concepts, without any explanation those cool concepts become generic. Lauren could have been a fun villain if we would have learned anything about him, The final battle could have meant so much if any of these characters or we as the audience got to learn about them. Mia’s power is never explained and neither is Laurens, Allen dies before we ever get to care about him, The detective agency is only shown in one scene so Rikka’s boss giving her the building just feels like a way to give them a home at the last minute after we remember their home was destroyed. I Would love a fleshed out Black Fox, but the Black Fox we have isn’t laughably bad because there are shreds of good that aren’t explored but it isn’t good enough to where I can tell anyone to watch it as it is.

I Believe Jesus Christ said it best when talking about the church of Laodicea

“I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth.” - Revelation 3:15-16

[calorieworkouts]

The dance of life

This 'athletic musician' shares his approach to staying healthy in mind, body and spirit

Derek Hough is recognized by several for his popular attribute functions on the struck TELEVISION programs World of Dance and Dancing With the Stars. He credits his lifelong sense of inquisitiveness and hunger to discover new points with leading him to his career success as well as to an energetic, healthy and balanced as well as fulfilling life.

Discovering a passion

From a young age, Hough was always finding out. Born in Sandy, Utah, in the Salt Lake City location, he is one of five kids-- including his sibling, Julianne, who learnt dance with him as well as with whom he still teams up and explores. He bears in mind that his family was always actively developing. "We were always in lessons maturing, either karate courses, or swimming lessons, or art course, or dancing courses certainly, as well as drum lessons as well." shares Hough. "So I was constantly finding out, as well as for me it instilled a feeling of curiosity as well as cravings to find out, which has actually rollovered."

" My pals would have new playthings as well as devices of all kinds as well as I wanted them," states Hough. "My mother would certainly say, 'we'll make it' and also we would certainly use plywood and also draw things out then saw it out-- truly making stuff. It brought out my creative side."

That imaginative passion brought about his initial intro to the arts-- playing drums in a Coastline Boys tribute band when he was just 8 years of ages. The band messed around the neighborhood as well as at the Utah Region Fair. "Being a drummer I found out rhythm, which rhythm became my structure," he says.

That foundation aided Hough choose up dance reasonably quickly, and also it didn't take long for him to discover he liked it. This realization brought back early memories of dance with his household. His grandparents were all dancers, and also his moms and dads satisfied while on a ballroom dance team in university, so it was the continuation of a family members tradition. "Individuals ask me 'When did you begin dance?' as well as it ends up I would certainly been dancing as long as I could bear in mind. I consider home video clips where I was 2 years old as well as we were having dancing events in our living-room as a household."

A sense of community

Ironically, though, Hough confesses that he was "type of dragged" into formally studying dancing. "I didn't actually desire to go at initially. Yet I had this coach, he was a truly trendy guy, and after that it opened up a neighborhood for me, a sense of belonging." He (and also, later, Julianne) wound up relocating to London at age 12 to study with expert trainers, as well as there he tossed himself into a strenuous program of practicing and visiting, making every effort to boost his skills and win competitions. "We were circumnavigating, going to New york city, mosting likely to Hawaii-- as well as being a youngster from Utah I resembled, 'Wow, this is incredible!' That was definitely a revelation, that I really enjoyed it. I turned something I really did not want to do into recognizing and finding an interest."

One thing Hough specifically loves is exactly how the understanding of dancing has altered due to the fact that of the appeal of television programs like Dancing With the Stars and World of Dance, and also just how they have actually opened up dancing for even more people. "They have revealed the athleticism as well as effort, and have educated people, especially men, about it. You know, One Decade ago I could have stated, 'Hey, did you see that Paso Doble?' and individuals would certainly have been like 'What? Exactly what is that?' Currently they're like, wow, I enjoyed that gaucho, or that flamenco action. It has been great for dancing."

He also sees more individuals understanding just how physically requiring dance could be. A term Hough commonly utilizes to clarify his craft is that professional dancers are "creative professional athletes." He claims, "When I'm dancing, I don't just dance, I'm really training as well, in addition to dance. To do particular steps, to be fast with those twitch muscular tissues, and the stamina, that security, that core, that rhythm, the isolations-- I indicate there's so much that goes into it, from the main muscle teams to the ones you have actually never ever become aware of. It's a full-body thing. "

Not just that, however Hough states customers value the narration element and also feeling within dancing. "Several of my fondest memories of creating routines on Dancing With the Stars are of people connecting and also going, you know, that really influenced me to call my mommy, or I have actually experienced this, this sense of broken heart, and it was actually cathartic to view that. I really did not feel like I was alone, I seemed like I experienced it with you," he states. "So it's an actually attractive thing, as well as for me it has actually been an absolute enjoyment, it's been a delight to see the evolution of the appeal as well as the standing as well as gratitude of dancing over the previous years."

The ‘prize' of service

" A large change in me directly is that for years I was a rival. It was always regarding being the very best, regarding winning-- that was my fuel. And after that one time I was in my home, taking a look at all these prizes, and I was like, wow, that's really great-- then I assumed, but why do I still really feel not met?" It ends up that functioning with others, coaching and also training, was the new fuel Hough needed. "It was a huge change for me, and also it actually boiled down to service. For me, it's the fulfillment aspect of it-- the sharing of ideas, or helping as well as bringing someone up, bringing their confidence up, or seeing that light take place in their eyes where they go, 'Wow, I can do that!'" Hough understood that, rather than winning more trophies or being the most effective, those were now the minutes that actually loaded him up.

" That emphasis, that transition for me has really opened a great deal of great things in my life, and also it's far more satisfying. On Globe of Dance, these professional dancers, these professional athletes, I really desire to aim to motivate and motivate them and not simply evaluate them but in order to help them on their trip."

Gratitude is likewise a secret, claims Hough. "We hear it a great deal, but it holds true-- you can't actually be in a fearful or upset state if you remain in gratitude, they can't live concurrently. For me, the second I start having expectations, expecting exactly how the globe ought to act, or anticipating exactly how my household or friends should be, or whatever it could be, to simply transform the assumptions for admiration. If I all of a sudden simply begin valuing, even if something is terrible, well, just how can I appreciate this? In that moment, it alters the entire video game.

" Just the other day we were shooting and also I was sitting there like, this is such a terrific job, this is so outstanding, this is so much fun seeing these amazing professional dancers. I have been in that setting several times because I was 12 years of ages, being judged on the dance floor, as well as you're functioning so hard, as well as so my gratitude and my concern for them out on that particular floor is overruning. And to view them, their skills, as well as their heart, as well as their reaction to will they make it via-- I simply like that."

" Simply start moving! Don't be hard on yourself or judge on your own. Activity is in our DNA, all of us."

Derek's tips for staying fit

Hough credits his family members, specifically his mommy, with grounding him healthy and also nutrition. "I recognized as I grew older just how successful she was when it involved healthy routines, as well as natural and health foods and points like that. She showed us from a young age concerning particular foods to consume and just what to keep away from," he says.

He hears his body as well as focuses on just what makes him react, whether it's just what provides him energy or exactly what makes him really feel slow-moving or inflamed.

Fresh food helps him stay concentrated and also sharp, not only literally but also psychologically. "It's so crucial, particularly when you need to attempt to produce something as well as choreograph. There's absolutely nothing worse compared to attempting to create something when your brain is not completely triggered."

One trick he makes use of is to utilize the power of organization. He on a regular basis drinks what he calls "swamp water," which is a super-greens formula he mixes with water. "I associated enjoyment to it, and in fact conditioned myself to like it. It was practically like I was drinking energy, I was consuming alcohol light, I was consuming emphasis ... that's the association I put with it, and also it gave me a lot power and so much clearness, and my skin removed up."

Greens in general are Hough's essential. "Any kind of meal I have, I have to have a large quantity of eco-friendlies. That's the theme throughout whatever I have. So if I'm having salmon, or a little chicken, or perhaps a little red meat, whatever it may be, there's constantly an abundance of environment-friendlies offered. Asparagus, broccoli-- all the great stuff."

To maintain himself favorable as well as determined, he seeks wisdom every day with reading or hearing a motivating speaker or podcast. "There's so much info, with social media sites as well as just media in general. You obtain this ding, this alert, this occurred as well as before you understand it, your mind is pirated. It's like we're filled with information however depriving for knowledge. So it's basically picking and choosing the important things I want to have actually entered my mind as well as absorb."

If he does discover himself with thoughts and also sensations he does not such as, he says, "The initial point to do is move. It's altering my physiology, altering my body, changing the method I'm holding myself. Transforming my body modifications my outlook."

Hough says the way to advance in anything is to challenge yourself to do hard things. "It's like exercising," he says, "like lifting a weight. Simply like you need to press against something hard to create muscle mass, you need resistance to produce growth. We require those obstacles, so welcome them-- they're a present in order to help you grow."

Dance! Hough claims that frequently individuals obtain frightened off by the word "dancing" since they've established limitations on themselves regarding what they can not do. "Simply begin relocating!" he says. "Do not be hard on yourself or judge yourself. Movement remains in our DNA, all of us. If you consider a child, even before they could stroll they're bobbing their heads, returning as well as forth. When you obtain outside your comfort zone, you constantly appear inspired and also sensation terrific. Dancing is a fantastic form of exercise as well as it's also great for your spirit."

Tweet @derekhough and also @hlmsmag and his #SamsClubMag story.

[sluttyshakespeare]

Twelve Amazing Details About Mental Illnesses

You have probably become aware of various methods to look after your body. Did you know that you can look after your mind, too? Mental health is the method we think and feel about ourselves and the world around us. When we practice excellent mental health, it is much easier to manage tension and other problems. In this sheet, you will find out various ways to develop mental health issue. You will find out how to: Take care of your body Practice healthy thinking Decrease Have a good time Reach out 1. Look after your body Our bodies and our minds are connected. When you take care of your body, you also take care of your mind. Eat well Food is our fuel. It gives us important nutrients that help our bodies work. It makes sense that the better we consume, the better we work. Our brains work better, too. Research study reveals that the food we consume is a big part of poor mental health. Healthy foods like fruits, veggies and entire grains give us the nutrients to work our best. Here are some pointers on taking care of your body: Consume frequently, so your body has enough fuel to work well all day. Avoiding meals can make you feel tired or irritable. Watch out for too much caffeine. Caffeine is the part of coffee and black tea that provides you energy. It remains in other beverages and treats, too. Caffeine can contribute to feelings of stress and anxiety. It can also stop you from sleeping well. See how much sugar you eat. Consuming sugar gives you a fast burst of energy. But when that energy is gone, you feel more tired. It can decrease your state of mind and make you feel irritable. Enjoy your alcohol use. Alcohol just conceals issues for a short time. It makes sadness, tension and other sensations harder to handle later. Exercise Exercise benefits your body. However did you understand that it is likewise helpful for mental health? Here are a couple of ways exercise can help: It assists us cope with tension. It reduces stress and anxiety. It lifts our mood. It improves our energy. It assists us feel good about ourselves. It helps us sleep well. You do not have to invest a great deal of time for these impacts, either. Simply 30 minutes a day, three or 4 days a week is enough to see big modifications. It does not matter what type of activity you do. Here are some tips for enhancing the mental health impacts of workout: Pick something you take pleasure in. Keep in mind, you can do any activity that gets you moving! If you like the activity, you are most likely to do it. Concentrate on how the activity makes you feel. Workout with somebody else. You will get the advantages of workout, plus you will connect with somebody else. This is also good for your mental health. You are also more likely to stay up to date with your exercise sessions if you prepare them with someone else.

The next time you feel sad, concerned or stressed, attempt going for a walk outside. Walking is a fast and easy way to feel much better about things in your life. If you have a health issue, talk with your doctor before you start a new workout program. Get enough sleep Sleep has a big result on mental health. When we get enough sleep, it is easier to cope with stress, deal with issues, concentrate, think positively and keep in mind things. The specific amount of sleep you require is based on your own body. You know that you are getting sufficient sleep when you do not feel drowsy throughout the day. It is simple to believe that we can get more done if we cut back on sleep. But it is harder to get things done when we do not get sufficient sleep.

What is mental health?

A person's condition with regard to their mental and emotional wellness. Here are some things to attempt if you do not sleep well: Avoid exercising too near your bedtime. Exercise provides you energy. But sluggish, peaceful activities like yoga can assist calm you down prior to bed. Avoid big meals, alcohol, cigarettes and caffeine prior to bed. Caffeine is the part of coffee or black tea that makes you feel awake. Make certain your space is comfortable for sleeping. Many people discover that they sleep best when their space is dark, quiet and cool. Adhere to peaceful activities prior to bed, like reading. Follow a regimen. Attempt to go to bed around the same time every night and get up around the exact same time every morning, even on weekends. Only utilize your bedroom for sleeping and sex. Do work or enjoy TELEVISION in a various room. Prevent naps throughout the day if you have a tough time sleeping in the evening. Prevent sleeping pills. You may fall asleep much faster, however they do not offer you great, restful sleep. Many people have sleep issues from time to time. If you often have sleep problems, it is best to speak to your medical professional. 2. Practice healthy thinking Good mental health does not suggest that we only ever have pleased ideas. Sad or upsetting things belong to life. Problems are also part of life. Great mental health issue means looking at the situation for what it truly is. Watch for believing traps The method we think about something has a huge effect on the way we feel. If we feel like we can manage an issue, we typically feel great. If we do not believe that we can deal with an issue, we typically feel bad. Often, we think that something is bad, even when it is not true. These thoughts are often called "believing traps." They are traps since they are easy to fall into and can get us stuck and feeling bad.

Here are some typical thinking traps: Thinking that bad things always happen to you. "I wished to go to the beach, now it is raining. This constantly happens to me! Now my day is messed up!" Thinking that something can only be all good or all bad. "I did not do along with I wanted on that last test. I am not wise enough for this course." Focusing just on the unfavorable part of a scenario. "My team won, but I can not think I missed that shot. I must be very bad at soccer. Maybe I ought to stop playing." Jumping to conclusions prior to you know what really took place. "My friend did not call me back. She should not like me very much." You can challenge your thinking trap by looking at the truths. The next time you see yourself falling under a believing trap, ask yourself concerns to discover the truths. Here are some concerns to ask: Is there any evidence to back up this thought? Have I considered all sides of the circumstance? Is there anything I missed? Have I been in this position before? What took place then? If my friend was in the very same circumstance, what would I state? When you have taken a look at the facts, you can replace the believing trap thought with a more well balanced idea. Solve issues We face issues every day. We can fix some problems quickly, however other issues are not as simple to solve. When we do not do something about it, stress can develop till we do not know what to do next. This is a simple way to take on problems. The next time you are dealing with an issue, follow these steps: Step 1: Decide what the problem is. Try to be as exact as possible. It is much easier to fix a problem when you know what requires to be fixed. Step 2: Think about various services or end goals. Think of as many as you can. Compose them all down, even if they appear silly. Step 3: Select the service that you think will work best. Step 4: Choose what you require to do to try your service. This is your plan. You can break your plan into smaller sized actions if you need to. Step 5: Put your plan into action. Keep in mind to use your balanced thinking skills. Step 6: Look back to see if your plan worked. If it did not work, pick a various option from your list in Step 2 and make a new plan. Keep going until you discover a solution that works. 3. Decrease All of us need to take some time to decrease and unwind. It is a big part of managing stress and enjoying our lives. When we do not take some time to slow down, stresses can build up till we feel too overwhelmed to do anything. When we unwind, it is easier to see problems and options plainly. It is simpler to manage challenging feelings, and it is much easier to see the good sides of things. It is simpler to focus on what is occurring now instead of stressing over the past or future. How you relax depends on you. Yoga, meditation, tai chi and breathing exercises are popular activities. Other people relax by reading, doing art, exercising, spending time in nature or playing with pets. Many community centres or community groups have classes you can sign up with. You can also learn more online or in books. 4. Have a good time! Doing things we enjoy benefits our health. It helps us feel revitalized and helps us feel good about ourselves. Then it is simpler to cope with tension and other issues. When we feel sad or worried, we often stop doing the little things that make us happy. This makes us feel worse. Make a list of the important things you can do every day that make you happy. Then provide yourself time for these activities. Use your problem-solving abilities to discover methods to include more of these activities in your life. Here is an example. You may put "checking out funny books" on your list, but you believe that you do not have time to read. After doing some problem fixing, you may start bringing your book to work or school to read throughout your lunch break.

5. Connect The people in our lives are a huge part of our own mental health issue. We assist each other out, share the good times, and learn from each other. Connect with others Social media are a big part of our general mental health. Our socials media are individuals in our lives who support us, commemorate our successes and assist us handle issues. There are various methods we can assist each other. Some people are proficient at handling sensations. This can assist us feel comforted. Some individuals are proficient at helping out, like childcare or grocery shopping. This can assist us manage day-to-day chores.

How can mental disorders be prevented?

There's no sure way to prevent mental illness. Nevertheless, if you have a mental illness, taking actions to control tension, to increase your resilience and to increase low self-confidence may help keep your signs under control. Follow these steps: Pay attention to warning signs. Some individuals are proficient at sharing a different perspective. This can assist us look at problems more realistically. Some people are proficient at sharing info. This can assist us find much better services. Most of us have networks of various individuals. It might consist of family members, buddies, colleagues, classmates, neighbours and other important individuals. Here are some tips for constructing a strong support network:

Ask for aid. Others can not help you if they do not know what you need. Consider new ways to meet people. If you delight in a particular activity, signing up with a group or class is a great way to fulfill others with the very same interests. Sign up with a support group. This is a good way to find help for a specific problem. Release bad relationships. Some people in our networks may not support us. It is hard, however sometimes we need to let go of these individuals.

Help others Assisting others assists us feel excellent about ourselves. It is likewise an excellent way to meet other people and find out new abilities. Try asking your preferred group or organization if they have volunteer work. Get aid when you need it To stay healthy, we need to find help when we start to feel unhealthy. The same is true for mental health. Mental health issue are easier to look after when they are captured quickly. If you are feeling weak and absolutely nothing seems to help, it is essential to speak to your doctor or counsellor. Mental health is much more than a diagnosis. It's your general psychological well-being-- the way you feel about yourself and others in addition to your ability to handle your feelings and deal with daily troubles. And while looking after your mental illness can mean looking for expert support and treatment, it likewise implies taking steps to enhance your psychological health by yourself. Making these changes will settle in all aspects of your life. It can boost your mood, develop resilience, and contribute to your overall enjoyment of life: Inform yourself something positive. Research shows that how you consider yourself can have an effective impact on how you feel. When we view our self and our life negatively, we can wind up seeing experiences in a way that verifies that notion. Rather, practice using words that promote feelings of self-worth and individual power. For instance, instead of stating, "I'm such a loser. I will not get the job because I tanked in the interview," attempt, "I didn't do also in the interview as I would have liked, but that doesn't suggest I'm not going to get the job." Write down something you are grateful for. Thankfulness has actually been plainly linked with enhanced well-being and mental health, as well as happiness. The best-researched method to increase feelings of appreciation is to keep a thankfulness journal or compose a daily thankfulness list. Generally contemplating gratitude is likewise effective, however you require to get regular practice to experience long-term benefit. Discover something to be grateful for, let it fill your heart, and bask in that feeling. Concentrate on one thing (in the moment). Being mindful of the present minute permits us to let go of unfavorable or challenging emotions from past experiences that weigh us down. Start by bringing awareness to routine activities, such as taking a shower, eating lunch, or strolling house. Taking note of the physical experiences, sounds, smells, or tastes of these experiences assists you focus. When your mind wanders, simply bring it back to what you are doing. Exercise. Your body releases stress-relieving and mood-boosting endorphins before and after you exercise, which is why workout is an effective antidote to stress, stress and anxiety, and anxiety. Search for little ways to include activity to your day, like taking the stairs instead of the elevator or going on a short walk. To get one of the most benefit, go for a minimum of 30 minutes of workout daily, and attempt to do it outdoors. Direct exposure to sunlight helps your body produce vitamin D, which increases your level of serotonin in the brain. Plus, time in nature is a tested stress reducer. Eat a great meal.

What you eat nourishes your entire body, including your brain. Carbohydrates (in moderate quantities) increase serotonin, a chemical that has been shown to have a calming impact on your state of mind. Protein-rich foods increase norepinephrine, dopamine, and tyrosine, which assist keep you alert. And veggies and fruits are packed with nutrients that feed every cell of your body, consisting of those that impact mood-regulating brain chemicals. Include foods with Omega-3 polyunsaturated fatty acids (discovered in fish, nuts, and flaxseed.) Research shows that these nutrients can enhance mood and bring back structural stability to the brain cells necessary for cognitive function. Open up to somebody. Knowing you are valued by others is very important for helping you believe more positively. Plus, being more relying on can increase your emotional well-being because as you get better at finding the favorable aspects in other people, you progress at acknowledging your own. Do something for another person. Research reveals that being practical to others has an advantageous effect on how you feel about yourself. Being useful and kind-- and valued for what you do-- is a great way to build self-esteem. The significance you discover in assisting others will improve and broaden your life.

What are bad mental health indications?

A Change in Character. If somebody is imitating an extremely different person, or not acting or feeling like themself, this is a warning sign. Uncharacteristic Stress And Anxiety, Anger, or Bad moods. Social Withdrawal and Seclusion. Absence of Self-Care or Risky Behaviors. A Sense of Hopelessness or Feeling Overwhelmed. Take a break. In those minutes when it all appears like too much, step away, and do anything however whatever was worrying you out up until you feel a little much better. In some cases the best thing to do is a basic breathing workout: Close your eyes and take 10 deep breaths. For each one, count to 4 as you breathe in, hold it for a count of 4, and after that breathe out for another four. This works marvels nearly instantly. Go to sleep on time. A large body of research has actually revealed that sleep deprivation has a considerable negative effect on your state of mind. Try to go to bed at a routine time each day, and practice good practices to improve sleep. These include shutting down screens for at least an hour prior to bed, utilizing your bed just for sleep or relaxing activities, and limiting caffeinated drinks for the early morning. Start today. You have the power to take favorable actions right now to enhance your strength and emotional health. Don't wait up until you remain in a crisis to make your mental health issue a top priority. Besides, it is much easier to form brand-new routines when you are feeling strong. You can then implement those practices when you require them most. Choose something from this article that resonates with you and try it. Then, try something else. Slowly putting in place routines, routines, and regular patterns will assist you feel better through steady change.