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kicksaddictny · 3 years ago

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Kicksaddict Sneakerhead PROFILES Interview Series: @CakedaGawd

After a long Hiatus, we’ve returned! Our popular Profile series has been requested almost on a daily basis (Thanks for the tweets, dms and emails). We were even threatened! (Thanks by the way).

Cake The Gawd! This one was so much fun. Tap in.

Where are you from? Brooklyn, NY born in Crown Heights raised in East Flatbush.

How long have you been collecting sneakers? I was introduced to sneakers in 1991 but I started collecting for myself in 98.

What’s your favorite sneaker and why? Air Jordan 6 Infrared. It's the shoe Michael was wearing when he won his first championship, and to me just it’s just the most beautiful Jordan shoe to date! The silhouette is unmatched, it is timeless, and no matter how many times it is retroed I will buy it!

Besides your hometown, what is the best city for sneakerheads that you know of? Why? I would say LA 100% !! It is a vibe out there. I am part of a sneaker group and 75% of the people in there are from LA. They really about the culture they know their shit and they are fresh as fuck too.

Do you collect just for collecting or do you collect and rock? I collect and rock. That is why I double up on certain shoes.. Some kicks you gotta have for store and show but some you just have to rock them!

What sneaker got you into the sneaker game? I cannot pinpoint one thing, it is so many things. It was Music, my parents introducing me to Nike, my older cousin, basketball, the dope boys around the way, and my 3rd grade crush and her cousin who both had Aqua 8's. (LOL) I cannot just say 1 thing because they all had a significant part in it.

What are your thoughts on these fake celebrity sneakerheads? I hate them all! All of these dudes just get perks, some of them do not even know the shoes. That shit really gets under my skin. Showing off shoes that they get and not even knowing the name or numbers of the shoes, creating their own names. Shit is sickening. S/O to the Sneaker Gawd Wale !

How do you feel about the Off white collabs? I liked the first round of the collabs. With the Presto's, Air maxes, Blazers, and Jordan 1's. I think after that it should've been left alone. But I can respect what they are doing over there. I just won my first pair of Off-White's with the Lot 50 joint.

If you could wear only one sneaker for the rest of your life, what would it be? Air Jordan 3 Black Cement. Yes 6's are my favorite of all time but the Black Cement 3's just go with EVERYTHING!

What advice would you give as far as storing and preservation of your sneakers? Wear your kicks man. I store and rock! I get it, wanting to save shoes but putting them away and never rocking them, when you finally do ya it’s separating and crumbling. In order for your kicks to last they gotta be worn anyway. Unless you're truly just on some collecting only for show vibes.

What is the most you’ve ever spent on a pair of sneakers? $900... I was able to land Black and Red and Royal 1's from 2001 together. A friend of mine had them and said he couldn't think of anyone else. I had literally just started my new job. A chunk of my first check went to that pick up.

Have you ever waited in line for a pair of kicks? I waited in line once in my life for shoes and swore I would never do it again. It was for the 2001 True Blue 3's. I waited online at like 7 in the morning at Kings Plaza. LMAO I said this will never happen again. I didn't have the patience for it. I do not know how ppl used to do that shit or camp for kicks. I was there for 1 hour and I was like this is ridiculous.

You're also a photographer, how long have you been taking photos? I have been taking photos since 2011 but officially became a photographer in 2013.

How do sneakers play a role in your photography? That is a great question because I didn't want the 2 to mix at all. Because I'm a scenery and landscape photographer. But I got into photography because of sneakers. No offense to anyone but a bunch of these "influencers" get on IG with their DSLR cameras, take some on foot shots and call themselves "Photographers". 90% of them do not even understand lighting. I didn't wanna be one of those guys because I actually live this and study it. But recently I just started letting it be that and owning it. I am nice with this photography shit when it comes to sneakers. I have a deep connection with shoes and I love incorporating that into my art. I thank my wife for that. I told her I don't wanna be just another sneaker photographer and she said to me who said you have to be ?! I took that and ran with it. Off-White just recently featured some of my pictures on their Instagram.

I remember you saying you're a sneaker enthusiast, what is the difference between that and a sneakerhead? An enthusiast really studies sneakers. Sneakerheads just love sneakers like it ain't really about the history and all that for them. They just love shoes because it is cool and makes them feel good. Us Enthusiasts are invested. Things matter like knowing years of a shoe. For example, an enthusiast would look at a pair of Jordan's like Taxi 12's, We know Michael wore those in the 1996 - 97 season, but we also know that Martin gave away a pair on his show for the Christmas episode to the kid who had holes in shoes. They are tied to iconic moments. A sneakerhead may love Bordeaux 7's because they are dope looking shoes. Where for me it's that Michael Jordan wore those in a video with Michael Jackson and Kris Kross in the 92 Jam video. MJ and MJ in a video with Kris Kross, do you know what that did to my childhood?! Give you one more example that is not even Michael Jordan related. Piggy backing off of Kris Kross,The Patrick Ewing’s were one of my favorite kicks growing up besides seeing Pat play in them one of my favorite Hip Hop covers of all time is "Totally Krossed Out" and Kris Kross is wearing both colorways. So you see what I mean there is so much tied to it with being an enthusiast. This is just my opinion though some may not agree so don't shoot me! (Ha)

From the time you started collecting up until now, would you say that the sneaker game changed for the best or the worst? I have been collecting for 20 plus years now. I have seen the game at it's best, I have seen it die, I have seen it revive, and now I am witnessing the death of it again. The sneaker game is disgusting right now, and I honestly do not think it will ever recover. It really saddens me. It is a popularity and money contest right now.

Does pricing affect your collection? Hell No! And I hate that some people are trying to make this the norm. IDGAF if you paid $500 - $2000 for a pair, It doesn't mean shit. The narrative is getting outta hand.

What does the word “Hypebeast” mean to you? Hypebeast is a person that only buys shit for status and popularity. They cannot form their own opinion about shit. They have to wear and cop items based on what every celeb is wearing or whatever these Social Media "Influencers" are saying is hot! It is not only sneaker related either. N*ggaz were hypebeasting for PS5 last year..

What are your thoughts on the females in the sneaker game? They are the best! I wish we had a Sneaker union and it was only run by females! The men in this game are annoying and so over the top. It is so bad that they feel the need to compete with women. The men get shoes just to show off to one another. Like what type of shit is that? The females are cool. I had a dude on twitter tell me women don't know the value of a shoe let alone about the shoe. The men feel like they always gotta try to shit on the women. The women are just trying to be part of the culture and enjoy it. And they shouldn't have to try to be part of something that is open to anyone who is willing to be invested and understand the culture.

Any advice for a young kid coming up in the sneaker game? Wear what you like! Respect the game and the people who have been doing it before you. Because this new generation of sneakerheads are little entitled dicks. No respect whatsoever!! I don't care about Travis Scott shoes. Without Jordan being who he is Travis wouldn't have a Jordan silhouette to collaborate with! Same with Off-White. These silhouettes were here before these guys. Say know your history and pay homage!! BUT STAY humble.

See I follow you and I'm loving the way you include your daughter in your work, what does that mean to you? Man, it is beautiful!!!! Without even trying she is invested in the culture. Both photography and shoes. Myself and my wife are both heavy into photography, art, music, sneakers, and clothes. My daughter is into all the same things but we are letting it be her own experience. We are not forcing anything on her. We want her to enjoy being a child and whatever things she picks up from us along the way is just a bonus. But I love shooting her, and I love when she asks myself and her mother "do we like her fit". It is truly a blessing man!

All photos by CAKEDAGAWD

Follow : https://twitter.com/CakedaGawd

https://www.instagram.com/whatsinthesyrup/

#Kicksaddict #cake #photographer #cakedagawd #airjordan #airjordan1 #airjordan6 #clothing #baby #infrared #airjordan4

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calypsoff · 3 years ago

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Eighty One. Part 3

Can you feel like a brand new person after sex, I think you can be. I felt like a virgin that just had sex of course “what you thinking?” Robyn asked, looking over at her laid out on the bed, her head resting on my thigh, I am speaking about myself feeling brand new, but I think Robyn does “where did he get this weed from?” She asked as she blew out the smoke from her lips “thinking that I feel like a brand new person, yo. I am so happy” I chuckled “like you have actually got good pussy, like your pussy feels so good. I feel you, damn. I could live inside you” lazily resting my arm just under Robyn’ boobs “that good huh” she is out of it, that weed be having me on cloud nine. It was good but I don’t want to be out of it, watching her froze staring at the ceiling with the blunt just burning “hey!” I spat and quickly placed my hand under the ash that was going to fall on Robyn’ body, it fell into my hand instead, slight warm feeling but didn’t want her to burn herself “what happened?” Robyn questioned, not a single care to what happened just now, just vibes. Reaching over to the side of the bed and wiping my hand off “you’re dangerous with this” taking the blunt from her and laid back into my position “what is that?” She reached behind her and touched my dick “it’s a penis” placing the blunt between my lips, Robyn giggled “feels weird” she is out of it, it’s funny to see actually. Blowing the smoke out from my lips laughing to myself, she moved off of me “feels weird” she repeated laughing “you’re weird, the sun is coming up. Look” she got on her hands and knees just smiling to herself “you got a son; I can give you a son” watching Robyn just nearly falling over on me “what you doing?” I questioned “sleep on you” she said before she fell on top of me “that is fine” she looked up at me, her eyes all heavy and hazy “good weed yeah” she nodded her head, oh she is out of it. Leaning down and pressing a kiss to her forehead “another” she mumbled, kissing her forehead again because she asked, she got her ass all in the air butt naked.

My mouth went to her neck when Robyn tilted her head to the side, I gently sucked down on her skin, savouring her sweet taste on my tongue. Taking one of her brown buds between my fingers, I twisted and tugged on the nipple causing Robyn to whimper out another moan. I brushed my fingers against her clit, she hissed out another moan and open her legs wider. Grabbing her leg, I threw it over my hip, hooking it behind me. My erection is growing harder by the second against her ass and a shiver rocked through her when I rubbed the head of my dick against her clit. I continued to tease her clit, I slowly entered her, my strokes were slow and tender, deep and filling. I slipped in and out of her with such ease. Her walls throbbing and pulsating around me. I propped myself up on my elbow and moved my hand away from her breast and to the centre of her stomach. Pressing my hand flat across her stomach.

I placed my mouth against her ear and traced my tongue along her lobe, bucking my hips forward I took her ear further into my mouth and bit down, she felt so good wrapped tightly around me. I continued to push and pump until Robyn’ body couldn't take no more and her warm muscle attempted to squeeze me right into oblivion. Her juices exploded out of her. Pouring down her leg and mixing in with mine when he came soon after. Letting the moment marinate between us, we laid connected for a few more seconds, savouring the little time we had together in our peaceful cocoon. I finally pulled my soften length out of her and turned my head towards her to claim her mouth with a kiss “Mhmmm” Robyn groaned out, pulling away from me “I love you so much poppa, love you” I chuckled and let go of the grasp I had around her waist.

This is the life, this is the life I want with Robyn, just good times and good vibes. I am so happy after the countless times we are having sex; I love that nasty sex and there is a switch in Robyn, her confidence I think anyways. I got out of bed after Robyn and then had a shower, I feel sorry for the cleaner. Our juices are all on that, Robyn is outside on the wooden deck soaking the sun up. Fixing my shorts as I stepped outside, looking down at Robyn in the lounger with her eyes closed “I just watched you have a shower, this is amazing, the privacy” she is so nosey “you enjoyed watching me have a shower” making my way over to her “I did but now I shall close my eyes, I want a tan” stood over her “blocking the sun” she opened her eyes “you got sun cream on? You better do” shaking my head, leaning down “love you” she said it to me first, she is whipped now. Pecking her lips several times “love you more” pecking her lips some more “can I take a picture of you? Like this” she furrowed her eyebrows “this?” Nodding my head, she looked down at herself and fixed her bikini “mhmm better be cute” I smiled, she is letting me so this is a bonus. Stepping back from Robyn “your body looks amazing you know, not even joking either” Robyn cooed out “thank you poppa, that makes me smile” she makes me smile, her body is amazing, but she always seems shocked when I say it, but she looks so good for a woman that was just heavily pregnant “you want me to pose for you, let me model for you then. Better be good pictures” I grinned to myself “naked though” looking up from my phone and Robyn flashed me her breast which made me smirk.

Walking over to Robyn as she got up “let me see your photography skills now, they better be good” sitting down on the lounger and held my phone out to her “it is, I did good I think. I like the one where you’re looking at me and biting onto your thumb nail, it’s a little sexual” Robyn is flicking through my pictures, she laid back on the lounger as she did, she is really looking at these pictures intently so if she doesn’t like them she will be saying it to me. Clearing my throat as I ran my hand over my head, she is taking forever. Poking my lips out looking over at Robyn’ boobs, they are bigger than they were. I like them, this is without any type of boob job, Rylee gave Robyn a more fuller body and I am reaping the benefits of it “you like them, you’re quiet so you do” leaning over to Robyn, hooking my finger onto Robyn’ bra and pulling it back “you’re being a dog now, I need to be pumped, so do it” free ride to suck Robyn’ boobs, don’t mind if I do “you are nasty for this, you do know that, like I can’t believe you drank the pumped milk earlier. I just have so much of it, it’s weird” I laughed “it’s nice” leaning over and latching onto Robyn’ boob “hey, not too hard. Not the teeth” I have to get the right consistency between sucking it out, babies do it better. Feeling the milk come out “my pussy is throbbing” Robyn said, feeling her hand on my head.

Licking my lips as I sat back, Robyn is just smirking and I burped “I would have rubbed your back” I am full now “it’s heavy milk though, my god” rubbing my stomach “check your Instagram” Robyn smirked, squinting my eyes at her feeling a little nervous now because what the fuck has she done “what did you do?” I questioned “just check, what makes you think I did anything? Just look” taking my phone from Robyn, I am scared not on what she has done not because I have anything and but what the hell has she done “I swear to god Robyn” looking down at my phone unlocking the phone “what did you do though?” I am concerned “give me a clue” looking up at her “Instagram” she spoke with the biggest smirk on her first, what the fuck has she done, tapping on my Instagram. Going onto my page, I haven’t posted on my story, what the hell. Tapping on the story and I busted out laughing “Robyn!” I spat in shock, looking up at her with my mouth hung up. This woman really posted a selfie with her hand in my hand while I was “oh my god, I mean the picture looks like I am laying down, but I know! You ain’t shit, my biggest baby, oh my god” Robyn cackled “how the fuck does she do this, like. I look like I am just laying down, oh my god” seeing she also posted on my page, tapping on the page “Rylee’ mom, awww Robyn. This is cute but I am still shook about the picture” Robyn has a smirk on her face “check the actual picture in your photos, I cropped that shit down, I am glad you like it. Anyways, come and lay down. Tan with me” locking my phone, touching her thigh “I want to eat you” sighing out.

Feeling Robyn’ thumb lightly stroking my hand, as we held hands. It’s soothing feeling Robyn do this “I feel next year is going to be hell” Robyn said, “what makes you think that?” lifting my head up, I feel myself burning “my team Chris, you know me. I start these ventures and I don’t finish them, but I do want too, I need to go overseas for a while. I need to make my album also, I just hate that I am going to be busy, and I don’t know how to feel because I mean we have a daughter, I have a husband. So tell me how do you feel that Rylee and I will be away” pulling a face “I can take care of her, you know?” shaking my head “I want her to keep her close Chris, I am going to try and keep it short, but I really want to release my makeup line, the team are in California but also Paris, I need to go there. London is more convenient, with you trying to do your clothing line overseas. Couldn’t you like come with me? I am not forcing you, but we can do this?” licking my top lip “I always said I would be the most supportive of you Robyn, and I got you. I won’t be there all that time, but I would join you, of course. If you need to go overseas then you do, I ain’t stopping you” Robyn chuckled “yeah but that doesn’t mean you party every night, you know how that goes with you” I chuckled, I always get myself in trouble, but I am always innocent in this.

I am ready for more sex now, making my way out of the bathroom “awwww Joyce, look at her. My beautiful baby, hey. Rylee, it’s mommy” Robyn is facetiming Rylee, I grinned watching Robyn getting all emotional “she is being so good Robyn, she is not being dramatic for nana at all, aww no” my mom said and then hearing Rylee cry “oh no, I think she is missing her mother, let me give her to Clinton” Robyn looked over at me “Robyn” I said, she is crying of course she is “stop it, Rylee is ok. She is just emotional” lightly touching Robyn’ head “she is wanting us Chris” she sniffled “she is ok Robyn, don’t worry. I promise you we are spoiling her” sitting next to Robyn “don’t worry rabbit, she is ok. Hey mom” I grinned “Chris, you look dark” I chuckled “I do, Robyn made me tan. She said she dislikes my light skinned” my mother knows I am lying “well you look happy Chris, very happy” licking my top lips smiling wide, my momma doesn’t understand that I have had sex and now I am really happy “stop crying” leaning over and pressing a kiss to Robyn’ shoulder “I am ok, just didn’t like that she cried but she is ok isn’t she?” my mother nodded her head “she is perfect, I am enjoy my time with her, I appreciate every moment with her” placing my arm around Robyn, she is always so emotional about things.

I snorted laughing at TJ texting me about that picture Robyn posted “ayo, guess what TJ just text me. He put are you being breastfed in that image nigga, what the fuck” I busted out laughing “mhmmm I think you enjoyed though did you not” nodding my head “I did, kept me full of course. I am going to post some more picture of you in the sexy clothes, well lingerie or bikini whatever. You are so sexy Robyn; you know that don’t you?” Robyn shrugged her shoulders and made her way over to me “so when you going to eat my ass then” Robyn raised her eyebrow “you washed your ass though?” Robyn pushed at my shoulder, looking up at Robyn and sitting back moving my arms back as Robyn sat on my lap facing me “post me then?” Robyn placed her hands on my chest, looking up at her “I am, calm down” Robyn don’t care now, she is on something. Now she is here just massaging my dick “you want me to eat your ass?” tapping on the picture of Robyn “you shouldn’t ask, you should do” Robyn pressed kissed to the top of my head “you right actually” I mumbled, tapping a caption out ‘Savage FENTY’ pressing send “you and your captions” Robyn chuckled, I love my captions, they are so just so simple and to the point.

#chrianna ff #chrianna fanfiction #chrianna #chriannaff #fanfic #fanfiction

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naturaldisasterfanfiction · 4 years ago

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29. Part 3

I am usually a guy that barely sleeps but for this occasion I am tired, this is a long ass night “did you lock the dog away or something?” Robyn asked, she wrapped her arm around mine, we are going for another walk to hopefully try and bring her down, she is just not playing ball “yeah, he doesn’t need to be out. He will be howling with you; he seems to be more dramatic than me. If you not noticed” Robyn chuckled “he is, he was whimpering when he saw me just in shock, I think he sensed it” nodding my head “not gonna lie, this shit is scary. Like its mind blowing but scary, you just got a baby in there, a little human in there just there. Women are amazing, I mean some need to not reproduce, because then you end up with a child like me” I laughed “be quiet” Robyn said “I am laughing about it, imagine going through all this pain and your child comes out to have all these mental issues, wild. Couldn’t be me” Robyn scoffed “well luckily you weak men can’t, stop saying that. You don’t know about our daughter, she could easily have what you got, not saying you passed it down but it can happen, it doesn’t matter what happens this is my daughter and I love her no matter what happens. Same with your mother, she is twisted but she has love for you” Robyn is not happy with me “same with me though, if my daughter has anything I will love her no matter what. I just hope she doesn’t. I will get blamed for it” Robyn laughed “like I don’t have my own issues, but it doesn’t matter what people think. Oh fuck” Robyn stopped walking, the contraction has come “you can do it shawty” rubbing her back “oh god, oh god” wrapping my arm around Robyn, she seems a little weak in the legs before she let out a shrieking scream that rang in my ears “breathe baby” realising Robyn is slowly crouching down “stand up for me” holding her up “I want to push, let me go” Robyn heaved out.

Letting Robyn’ arm go as she sat in the birthing pool “be in tune with your body Robyn, do not. And I mean do not strain it out, it will cause tears. What we need is you to just gradually push her out, try sitting back against the birthing pool and see how that feels, she is 8 centimetres now. You are nearly there” Gaby smiled at Robyn; she is not happy. Robyn rested her head back, she is exhausted “just support Robyn, she will need you. You can even be in the pool with her” raising an eyebrow “yeah, I will be here” I laughed placing the chair at the side of the pool “that is fine, she needs you. This is the most challenging phase and it can be the shortest but the most painful” Robyn nodded her head “it feels better in the water, it’s soothing” smiling lightly at Robyn “I don’t think I can watch this” Monica said behind me “I am just feeling anxious, my baby is having a baby. I think I will clean the kitchen” Monica ran out of the room; she is really feeling it “you want some more water?” I asked Robyn, she nodded her head “I feel it” Robyn mumbled, I am not sure what she meant by that.

Holding Robyn’ hand, she is resting front facing me against the birthing pool. Her face resting against it, she seems so relaxed in there. I think she likes it anyways; she is much calmer “are you ok?” I have to ask, just because of how quiet she is “mhmm yeah, just relaxed. Trying to tune into my body, I am just so relaxed right now” smiling, leaning down and kissing the side of her face. Kissing her hand “this is truly a moment I won’t ever forget” looking up at Dennis “this has to be the best moment of my life and I am so blessed; Robyn is truly a warrior and I am so proud of her. To witness her do it with nothing but her inner strength, she is amazing. I am just nervous though” looking back over at Robyn “nothing else matters, like the hate and whatever. It doesn’t matter, this does matter. I am at a loss for words, she is giving birth to a beautiful black queen and I want her to have her strength, she deserves this happiness” Robyn smiled lightly “I love you baby” pushing her hair back “Gaby keeps laughing at me” I pointed with my free hand “shoutout to Gaby though, she was falling asleep” I laughed saying “I don’t laugh at him, he is lying. I am actually watching in awe, it’s cute to see this. The concern is cute, he’s going to have an event soon. Do the update then” she laughed saying “thank you for that” Dennis said to Gaby “that is fine” Robyn actually fell asleep; this woman is just so relaxed in this pool.

The midwife is checking Robyn again because she come out of the relaxation mood now and she is really getting into the screaming again, I think the water ain’t doing it’s job now “you are crowning, she is right there. Now I don’t want you to push too hard down yet, this is to prevent tearing, but I want it to be gradual ok?” Robyn nodded her head, looking into the water “you can feel it, come here” Gaby said, and I am like staring at her like she is crazy “me?” I said confused “yes you, come on. It’s ok” this is weird, moving around the birthing pool. Looking in the water, my eyes widened, and I felt nauseated “woah, are we ok!?” Gaby said as I near fell into her “uh yeah, wow” shaking my head blinking several times “I think he needs to not do that, come back here” Robyn laughed, I made her laugh which is good “she is right there though” let me just stand behind, I am near enough but I near flat out fainted because you can literally see some of the head, the top of it anyways “fucking crazy, oh my god” that is literally a baby there, moving back around “just be calm Robyn, take your time” Gaby said to Robyn.

This is literally the moment; I am all round nervous just watching on “where is my mom?” Robyn asked, she didn’t even know her mom went “I am here baby, just here in the background!” Monica shouted, she is here but also not here “oh no” Robyn breathed out heavily, Robyn held her hand out and I took it “easy breathing now Robyn, you can do this. You can do it, just be easy on yourself” I can tell with Robyn the moment she was relaxing she was really tuning into her body, she is much calmer now then she was out of the birthing pool, she is being easy on herself. Robyn gripped my hand as she let out a grunt which turned into a scream “come on, bore down” Gaby said “oh my god! It hurts, it hurts oh my god!” Robyn shouted, seeing a stray tear fall from Robyn’ eye. I don’t like this at all. My heart is beating ever so fast “you can do it” my voice ragged from trying to not cry with her “ouch, oh my god” looking at Robyn thinking she stopped breathing but she heaved out “ouch, ouch, ouch, oh help me” Robyn cried out “she’s out, she’s out. Robyn, her head is out” Gaby spat “easy now” Robyn sobbed out “this will be it; help guide the baby out Chris. Gently guide it out” I don’t know what came over me, but I just moved away from Robyn and jumped, I just want to help her take the pain away. I gulped seeing a baby head poking out of Robyn’ cooch but it didn’t matter because Robyn yelped out and as she did more of the baby came and her shoulders passed. Reaching into the pool, and I don’t know what I am doing but it snapped into me, more of my daughter was coming out and I placed my hand behind her, and my other hand in the front. As I did that Robyn pushed more of her out and I just gently pulled the rest of her body out, quickly lifting her out of the water and placed her on Robyn’ chest “you did it” Gaby patted my shoulder and I just breathed out like I stopped breathing for that moment. Dragging my eyes away from the water and at Robyn, her eyes closed as she sobbed out holding our daughter in her arms “oh my god” she said through her sobs and then hearing our daughter cry in her arms, my eyes started to fill watching them both in awe.

I can’t believe she is here or that I even did that, feeling a kiss on the side of my temple “congratulations Chris” Monica said, looking up at her “thank you, congratulations to you too” getting up from the from the floor hugging her “it was emotional seeing it all play out, I prayed so hard to god to help you both through this. God helped” squeezing Monica close “thank you” steeping back wiping my face “happy for you Chris, she is here” Dennis said as he hugged me “congratulations brother” I am in shock still “thank you bro” patting Dennis’ back “that was so surreal, I don’t know what happened” I laughed “you made some good photography for me, that is all I know” I chuckled moving back from him, my face softened seeing blood in the water “Robyn!?” I spat, she looked up at me “there is blood!? What is happening!?” I half shouted “it’s ok Chris, it’s just the passing of placenta” Gaby said “oh god, wow” my heart right now, I near panicked so much there “scared me” I breathed out “she was born at twenty past four on Christmas eve, congratulations. I will be back over” Gaby walked off, looking down at Robyn with our daughter in her arms. I just felt so overwhelmed. From the whole birth, to this. This is my daughter and she is here safe and Robyn is my wife “I am ok” I said, Dennis is here patting my back “I don’t need it right now” I laughed with tears near ready to fall “my heart is so filled” crouching down to the side of the birthing pool “she is so perfect Chris” pressing a kiss to Robyn’ cheek “you both are, I am so proud of you” I was scared for her.

The midwife is doing her thing with our daughter weighing her, so I am just helping Robyn out, clean her up a little. Wrapping the big blanket around Robyn “I am so tired right now but I just want to hold her” I can imagine, I have not held her yet because I wanted Robyn to be comfortable “she is so beautiful Robyn, my heart right now. I cried Robyn, I cried happy tears” Monica hugged Robyn “I need a bath mom” Robyn said “I don’t care, you’re my baby still. She is so precious, I want to hold her so much” smiling a little at Robyn, she is a whole mother now and it’s just that change in her, she is giving me that mother vibe now, she still looks well “she is a healthy seven pounds and three ounces, with a length of nineteen and half inches, now I can only imagine if she was full term what she would have been, now which one of you want her? She is awake” Gaby came over to me with my daughter all swaddled up in a blanket. She is all wide awake looking up at Gaby, she really is so beautiful “maybe Chris, I need to check over Robyn anyways, some skin to skin?” licking my top lip “sure, she just seems so fragile” she really does “oh don’t feel that, she is so healthy, maybe taken the singing gene too with those lungs” taking my tee off “probably” I am nervous as fuck with this “let me take her out of this and then you can hold her, don’t feel nervous now” I am nervous “you will be fine, you touched her first. She knows your touch” I breathed out “I just wanted to help” I really did “you literally delivered her” Gaby came back with her in just her diaper “she needs you now, come on” hearing her cry “but she is crying now” I mean that is not good “because she needs some love, give her warmth” sitting down on the chair “ok, ok. There you go” she placed her on my chest, a screeching little kitten, she sounds like a kitten crying, placing my hand on her back “hey baby” her cries quietened “she is beautiful, Fenty is perfect for her. She is just everything and more, like wow” my voice broke.

The sun is rising here and I am just watching Robyn and my daughter and this whole breastfeeding thing, the midwife is wanting to make sure that the baby can do just that and it seems like she is taking just fine “it was painful at the end but I think Natural is better, I can’t say for the other way” Robyn said “did you feel more in control of yourself? I also had mine natural and the comeback is better, you can stand, and you can start doing things quicker. As long as we know the baby will be ok and it’s just needing to be delivered it’s better. You can actually bond with your baby instead feeling the comedown from the medication but doesn’t say you won’t need the rest now. After this you need to go and rest. Both of you, and I am sure nana will be there to help, she seems to be latching on fine, when I had my son he did too. As a mother that is knowing and feeling her own body, they tend to be better off with latching on” feeling a hand on my shoulder “I feel it, I do feel the bond there more anyways” looking up at Dennis “you are the designated announcement teller, also I am tired but also not tired. I am just here thinking how amazing that was” Dennis looks rough, I am sure I do too “Chris, you deal with that. I am with Gaby” Robyn said, nodding my head getting up from the chair “so I have picked out the picture, you can say if it’s something you think I am right with” following Dennis to the hallway “I have the set up here of my laptop, walking into the dining hall “so the picture of you looking at Robyn in awe, just the raw emotion in your eyes looking at both baby and mother. I propose that to be the picture for now because this is your news to tell, Robyn will do her own but just to put it out there, you need to do it, but this is it. I like the emotion in your face” Dennis is right, that is the perfect picture “let’s do it then, send it to my phone” I stifled out a yawn “that was so amazing Chris, how you got in there to help Robyn. Just the raw love you got, it was emotional to see” I chuckled “man, I was just wanting to help” smiling wide.

Finishing the caption off “so I put this, my Christmas gift arrived this morning, Fenty Clara Brown weighed seven pounds and three ounces, healthy for a baby that was supposed to be born in January. Mother and baby are both doing well. Is that ok?” I asked Dennis “perfect, just send it and then go back to your thing, I have so much to look at” nodding my head pressing send on the post, I know the frenzy that will now happen but Robyn wanted me to do so I am. Mijo’ named popped up on my screen, he called straight away. Answering the call “I had a feeling! I was like it will happen, fucking happy for you nigga. How is the family?” I smiled hearing Mijo’ excitement “good, I am so blessed right now. They both doing well, baby Fenty is just. She is beautiful Mijo, like I never got to see Roro a baby, I know she was beautiful too but my little love child, she is an angel Mijo. A real ass angel” Mijo cooed out “I am happy for you; I just wanted to ring and say it to you. Call me when you’re free” he disconnected the call, someone that actually cares for me and loves me “why are you crying?” Robyn is crying “just happy tears, I am a mother Chris. I dreamed of this every night” letting out an oh, I just don’t want Robyn to be sad.

#Chrianna #Chrianna FF #Chrianna Fanfiction #Fanfic #Fanfiction

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surveys-at-your-service · 4 years ago

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Survey #330

“and i don't want ya / and i don't need ya / don't bother to resist, or i'll beat ya / it's not your fault that you're always wrong / the weak ones are there to justify the strong”

If you have a job, do you like it? I'm unemployed. Do you like any kinds of fruit? Well of course. Are you waiting for something right now? Covid and this headache to fuck off, May for my tattoo, to be paid to take some pictures again... What is your favorite kind of animal? Kind, not the actual animal itself? In that case, social species, usually mammals. What kind of Dippin' Dots do you like? Holy shit, I haven't had that in like a damn decade or something. I don't know, I barely remember the taste. Who is the most badass woman that you can think of? My mom. My mother is a fucking warrior. Do you have a Pinterest account? Yeah. I get a lot of photography ideas from there, as well as base pictures to make Mark icons, haha. If you were to write a book, what would it be about? The stories I and my friends have weaved in RP. Have you ever seen the television show The Munsters? AHHHHH YES!!!!! Mom loves that show, so I used to watch it with her growing up. Have you ever written one of those 'Roses are red...' valentines? I don't think so. Would you/have you spent more than $200 on any one person for a holiday? I haven't, but I would for certain people. Do you have a favorite Robin Williams movie? Probably Night at the Museum. Thoughts on Slender Man? Have you even heard of him? I think it's a cool creepypasta; he does look pretty unnerving with his height and especially lack of a face. The movie was good too, btw. Do you know what the Tardis is? I think almost everyone does in this generation, haha. Doctor Who ain't no joke to a whole lot of people. Are there any children's shows that you'd watch today if they were on? Sure, like Pokemon or Avatar: The Last Airbender, among others. I wouldn't at all be opposed to watching The Lion Guard, either. I actually want to, with my whole TLK love. I'm not embarrassed to watch "kids" shows or movies at all. What would you call yourself the King or Queen of? Having not an ounce of knowledge on how to love things in moderation/avoid total obsession with things, haha. If I paid for you to take karate lessons, would you? No, especially not now with my legs. Do you read more fiction or non-fiction? Almost solely fiction. What modern technology are you especially grateful for? Laptops, ig. Do you have a favorite science topic? Genetics. Very fascinating stuff. Have you ever read any Sherlock Holmes stories? No. What is the saddest movie that you've ever seen? Either Johnny Got His Gun or Boy in the Striped Pajamas. What's your most popular post? On what? If Facebook, I don't really know. Possibly my "coming out" one or a lovey-dovey essay when Sara and I were together. On Tumblr, it's definitely the gif I made of Mark and Chica (his dog) with I think over 10k notes. Manga or anime? Anime. I don't read manga, though I've been tempted with Deadman Wonderland since the show only had one season and ends on a ginormous cliffhanger, but there's more story to be had. A card game that you're good at? None, really. A popular book you haven't read yet? To Kill a Mockingbird. I feel like every school student has read it at some point. Favorite Mean Girls quote? I don't know any. It's a fine movie, but I've never understood the hype. Name your top 3 albums from your favorite band/artist. Black Rain, Ozzmosis, and... then I can't choose. I love so, so many very dearly. Name your top 5 music videos. I don't really watch music videos, so I definitely can't name five. My #1 favorite is probably "Wrong Side of Heaven" by Five Finger Death Punch; I absolutely cannot watch it without crying. What are you most passionate about? How did this passion develop? Animals. I was born simply adoring animals and have always wanted to protect them and their environment. Do you like monkeys? Do you believe in evolution? Yes and yes. We've literally watched it in action. What embarrasses you the most in front of other people? Discussing RP if you're not involved in it. I'm terrified of people thinking I'm weird. Have you considered running for president? Absolutely not. Which famous person would you like to be BFFs with? I'd say Mark, but I'd be way too interested in dating him instead of being just friends, haha... So with that said, maybe Bindi Irwin? Would you ever go skinny dipping with the last person who commented you? Lyndsey would be that person, so no. She's a great friend of mine, but realistically I'd probably only ever - if ever - do that with the company of my s/o. Are you still friends with the last person who broke your trust? No. How long did your last relationship last? Around two years. Have you ever been banned from anywhere? Online, yes, as a little kid on the Animal Planet forum, haha... Has anyone kissed you when you weren't expecting it? Yeah, Juan. Did you like it? It was a sweet moment, but I didn't want it. Does your dad smoke? Like a chimney. Is your mom over 50? Yeah. Are you currently listening to anything? Yeah, kinda hooked on "The Horrible People" by Manson. I've found a lot of great music lately. Would you ever consider getting breast implants? No, but once (if...) I lose all the weight I want, it's going to be a moderate priority to get a breast lift. I've hated my body way too fucking long and am dying to be satisfied with it again, and with how much weight I need to lose, I would essentially have grandma tits. :x Do you know anyone who is bisexual? Me, haha. Among some friends. Who would you tell, or who did you tell when you lost your virginity? That's not something I'd just go to tell someone afterwards for no reason... I'd only ever mention having lost my virginity if I was actually asked or if it was relevant to a conversation. Is there something you have been trying to learn lately? I'm really trying to practice opposite action and behavioral activation, among other things I've learned in group therapy. When you think about your future career, do you envision yourself becoming the head honcho or CEO? If not, why not? Well, I want to be my own boss as a freelance photographer. In any other job, I definitely wouldn't want that. Too much responsibility and leadership skills. Can you think of a time when you seriously misjudged a music artist based on their name? I don't think so? Have you ever kissed someone that you didn’t really want to kiss (not assault, just indifference)? Why did you go along with it and how did you feel after? Yes, Tyler. I felt like I was "supposed to." I felt really uncomfortable afterwards. If you have to wake up early for something, what time is just TOO early for you to be there and be presentable and sentient? Have you ever had to be somewhere that early? Probably like, 5:00. No. Have the majority of your romantic relationships started with a physical attraction or a deeper connection? Always an emotional connection. Did you ever write a fan letter to a celebrity? How about submit something to a magazine? No to both. What hair color is the most attractive on the opposite sex? Of natural colors, black, but I like unnaturally dyed hair most. Where do you like to go to when you are stressed? On a carride, so long as I'm controlling the music nice and loud and not talking. Where do you go to get your hair cut/dyed? To a family friend's little salon/small business. Why do you want the career that you want? Because I adore art and think it's pretty darn magical that you can freeze a moment forever to not just remember in your head, but actually see. Have you ever watched iCarly? Yeah, I enjoyed it when I was younger. What was your favorite class during your sophomore year of high school? Art. Do you wear bandanas in your hair? No. Have you ever been on a blind date? No, not interested. How many living grandparents do you still have? None. Have you ever worked in an office? No. Who does the grocery shopping in your house? Mom. Have you ever stayed in a hotel without your parents or older relatives? No. Did you have an Easy-Bake oven when you were little? Sure did. Have you ever seen a donkey? Yeah. Have you ever made out in a hot tub? Pretty sure no. Do you always flush the toilet after you use it? Yes. What were the last words you said to your dad? Probably "bye, love you." Have you cuddled with someone you weren’t dating? Nah. Who has the ability to hurt you the most emotionally? JASON. Are you a really understanding person? Yeah, very. Are you the type of person that enjoys getting hugs? Yes. When’s the last time you wore a wig? For a witch costume many years ago. Why were you last hospitalized? Suicide attempt. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without food? At least 12 hours, but I think I almost went a day once back when recovery started and my appetite was non-existent. What was the last name of your third grade teacher? Mrs. Britt. How was the last chicken you ate cooked? They were chicken tenders. What is your favorite kind of chip? Hot crunchy Cheetos. What grade did you have your first boyfriend? 7th. Have you ever been told that you’ve lost weight? Yeah, back when I actually WAS losing loads of weight. >> Do you have the same political views as your parents? Some things, but definitely not all. Does anyone call you babe/baby? No. Have you ever made a significant other cry? Sadly. If you could make your lips bigger, would you? Maybe just a teeeeny bit. Are you one to sneak food into movie theaters? Yep. Fuck them prices. Are you prone to illness? Definitely not. What races do you usually date? History says Caucasian, but I have no actual preference. I'll date any race. What’s your cup size? C. Ever flirted with a teacher? Yikes, no thanks. Who was the main cook of your Thanksgiving meal last year? My older sister made the most stuff. Have you ever been dumped really harshly? Well, considering it literally traumatized me... Do you have any ex’s you can’t stand anymore? No. Are you more of a phone or a computer person? Computer, definitely. When was the last time you made a sandwich? What did you put on it? Yesterday for lunch. Ham, American cheese, and mustard. Have you ever made friends with someone that you didn’t expect to get along with? Yeah. Do you own any accessories with your name on? No. What brand of eyeliner do you use? I pay no attention to this. Have you ever been sexually harassed? No. Have you ever sent a naughty text message? Suggestive ones, yes. How long have you had your pets? Roman, around two years. Venus, around three or four years. Who was the last person to tell you that they love you, other than family? Sara. Has one of your friends ever tried to hook you up with someone? Colleen tried obnoxiously hard to push Girt and me together. We all went out to eat pizza once just as friends hanging out, and this bitch prefaced an uncomfortable and nosy question to him with an even more uncomfortable "because I'm trying to get you in her pants...", and that, my friends, was the closest occasion I've ever come to slapping someone right across the face. I looked at her in absolute disgust, and Girt was clearly thinking "what the actual fuck" as well. I do not miss her feral mouth. Are you good at staring contests? No. Eye contact is very difficult for me to maintain. Do you like peanut butter? I love peanut butter. When was the last time you had to present something to your class? In this mandatory but entirely pointless entry class at my last college, we all had to do like this PowerPoint introducing ourselves. I hated it. Who was the last person that told you they missed you? I think my friend Chelsea. What store is your favorite shirt from? It's not a real store, but rather an online brand: Cloak. Mark is one of the owners/creators so I obviously support them intensely. Have you ever fell off your bed while you were sleeping? No, thankfully. Do you have something you’re supposed to tell someone, but you haven’t yet? No. What type of food do you never really eat? Vegetables, oops. Have you ever cut someone else’s hair? No. Do you like going to weddings? Not really, if I'm being honest. I'm only interested in photographing weddings for the only the couple pictures and pay, really. I'm not big on formal events. What’s your favorite flavor squash? I don’t like squash. Do you or anyone in your house have a severe allergy? No. Who was the last guest in your house and what were they staying for? Our landlord/family friend, just to hang out for a little bit and chat with Mom. What fad were you actually into? Hm. What was the last spontaneous thing you did? I'm not a very spontaneous person, so I really don't know.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''the beautiful people'' by marilyn manson

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scottfuckingreed · 5 years ago

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Better with you - Montgomery De La Cruz

ANONYMOUS SAID: ‘I have an idea for a possible future Monty story. I don’t know how to say it without it coming out the wrong way so I’m just gonna go ahead anyway lol, something where the reader cheats on her boyfriend with Monty and they have their own little thing on the side because Monty just makes her feel so good like not just in a sexual way but in other ways too. Kind of like how Jess loves Alex, but it’ll never compare to Justin’

Warnings!: quite a bit of swearing and those sexual things (also Bryce is mentioned but not in much detail)

“Hey!” Y/BF/N says as his arms wrap themselves around me and kisses me on the forehead. “How’s it going?” I somewhat force a smile up to him. It’s not that I’m not happy to see him, it’s just hard to smile in such a shit place. School of course. “Pretty good actually. I just finished some things up with Tyler. It’s finally getting somewhere.” Y/BF/N is friends does photography with him, so they’re pretty much best friends. Which is nice - I love Tyler - but drama seams to follow Tyler. So it follows Y/BF/N. And so it passes me too. “You have a free period next, right?” I nod at his question. “Lucky! I’ll meet you in our usual spot afterwards?” A quick peck lands on my lips, and then he’s suddenly walking away.

I sit in the cafeteria. It’s usually overcrowded and too loud, but there’s only a handful of people not in class right now. Which is a relief. Starting to peel my orange, I glance up to notice a certain ‘Montgomery’ walking my way. “Y/N! Fancy seeing you here,” he places himself on the opposite side of the table. I shake my head, a smile slowly cracking. “Wow Cruz, you say that as if you don’t sit your ass in that seats pretty much daily at this time,” his eyebrows raise. “Alright Y/N. I just wanted to say hi to my best friend jeez.” I shove a segment in my mouth, pushing it to the side of my mouth for a second. “Aren’t you meant to be in some Literatue class or something right now?” His eyes light up. Sometimes I think I should just not say anything to Monty, but I like Monty. “See, I knew you cared-” he pauses, grabbing the other half of my orange from the table. “And I ain’t gonna use it, so what’s the point?” I look at him in somewhat amazement as he casually eats my food. “I mean, fair enough,” I shrug. I should be used to this. This has happened almost every day for a few months now. Why? I don’t know. It just did one day, and then it was almost like a routine. “Thanks for that, I’ll see you later?” I nod at him, although I know I shouldn’t.

“Are we hanging out later?” I ask my boyfriend. “Sorry Y/N, my mum needs me,” I nod slightly. Internally sighing, the answer is everything I expected. Don’t get me wrong, I love him for being close to his family, but I get that response every time I ask. We’ve had sex twice. You may think, what’s wrong with that? We’ve been dating for a year. It’s fine though. I can’t exactly say ‘leave your mum’ can I? Unfortunately not.

Instead I go to Jessica’s. The fact that Y/BF/N doesn’t make *that much* of an effort does kinda get me down, and Jess always knows how to snap me out of those thoughts. So I can’t help but get excited as I pull up to her house. Hardly parking, I see her body rush towards my car and throw herself into the passenger’s seat. “Perfect timing, let go!” She smiles way too massively at me. “Where are we going?” I laugh nervously. “Bryce is having a small get together.” I can guarantee it won’t be a ‘small get together’. Bryce does parties, and they’re always PARTIES. “I thought-“ “Nah, now drive girl!”

We walk in, and it’s exactly what I expected. This ‘small get together’ is at least 50 people. “Welcome ladies!” Scott smiles and runs up to us with a red cup in each hand. My automatic reaction to this gesture is to smell the cup, and let’s just say I didn’t have to get my nose too close to smell the thickness of the alcohol. “Jesus, what’s in this?” I ask, making Jess laugh. “I’m not sure. Monty made it,” he shrugs and gets lost in a crowd of people. “Drink up Y/N,” Jess taps the bottom of my cup. “I’m driving, and I can’t image how many units is in this one cup.” Her eyes roll. “Suit yourself, I’m finding Justin!” I doubt I’ll see Jess again tonight.

Drinking this - whatever he wants to call it - is a bad idea for me, so I go into the kitchen and find myself a drink. Just as I sip my water, I get a text.

Hey! Xx - Y/BF/N ❤️

I almost immediately respond.

Are you able to get away?x - Y/N

I see those 3 dots pop up, meaning he’s typing. Just as I thought I could escape, his response was exactly what I didn’t need to hear.

Sorry Y/N, it’s a bit late. I’ll call you in a bit though?xx - Y/BF/N ❤️

‘Call me in a bit’? Is he taking the piss? Damn I feel special. ITS ALSO 8:30 LIKE WHAT? I roll my eyes, which make them land on the back of Monty’s head. I shake my head as his eyes meet mine, and can’t help but smile. “Montgomery! I heard you’ve supplied the drinks tonight,” he shrugs and raises his eyes with a beaming smile. “You know me Y/N, it’s nice right?” As I press my lips together, his face forms a shocked expression. “I’m offended, have a sip,” he passes me his drink. I know I shouldn’t drink tonight, but honestly I just wanna have a some fun. My hand wraps the cup - leading Monty to nod at me with a devilish grin. It’s hard to even put the drink in my mouth with the stench, but I chug it anyway. “Shit,” he laughs ‘impressed’. “Fuck that’s so gross,” I cover my mouth with my hand trying not to urge. “I’ll take another one,” I add.

After the first cup, I was already tipsy. And that shit was like half full. So after my next full cup I was pretty drunk already. Which is exactly what I needed. “I thought it was gross?” He laughs as he notices me going through my fresh cup quite fast. I respond with a shrug. “It’s growing on me,” I go to grab him on the shoulder, but I miss, making me stumble forwards. Two hands latch on under my forearm steadying me upright. “Shit,” his chuckle is quite cute- NO. I don’t mean that. I don’t know why that just popped into my head. My finger begin to stroke his arms. That needs to stop. Apart from the music and the screaming and the ‘fun’ going on around us, it was silent. It was the first time I looked into his eyes for more than a quick glance. And unfortunately I’ve just finished another cup of strong ass liquor. “I feel like I wanna kiss you,” I blurt out, my hands immediately cover my mouth. Nothing else can slip out. “Sorry,” I giggle. “I’m just lonely,” oh my god Y/N SHUT UP! “You’re not lonely Y/N, you have a boyfriend.” My mind and mouth start working faster. “Boyfriend? Y/BF/N doesn’t even fucking touch me- shit,” I hush myself.

Next thing I know is I’m being guided out of Bryce’s house. “I’ll take you home,” he breathes. I frown at him. “Driving drunk is dangerous Montgomery don’t you know this.” The smile on his face appears so faintly, and it’s unreadable. Especially in my current state. “You pinched my drink. Did you see me have another one?” No. No I didn’t. Why didn’t he? “Take my car then, and I can’t go home.”

We get to Monty’s, but I don’t realise where I am until I’m inside. “This isn’t what I meant...” I huff. He throws off his Liberty jacket and kicks his shoes in a corner. “You can sleep in my bed,” he hooks his arm under mine to walk me to the bedroom. Hang on. “I have a boyfriend Monty, so no sex,” my hand goes on his chest as a warning. “I’ll try not to fuck you.” At this time, that was good enough for me. It shouldn’t be. Ever. “I appreciate that,” I fall into his bed - which was automatically the comfiest bed I’ve ever laid on. Suddenly my shoes are off and I’m pretty much tucked in. “It’s just hit me,” I sit up too fast, making my head spin. “I don’t know what’s gone on in this bed,” my stomach starts to turn. “You can only imagine,” he shrugs. And suddenly I’m offended? Just go to sleep Y/N.

The next morning

I wake up fully aware of what went on last night, and frankly embarrassed. Not embarrassed that I flirted with Monty. Not even that I’ve ended up at his place in his bed. I just feel guilty. Like I cheated? But I know I didn’t. I shouldn’t of done what I did, but I didn’t do anything wrong. Did I? I walk out of the bedroom, and notice Monty in the kitchen boiling the kettle. “Good morning, coffee?” I shake my head at him with a smile. “Thank you, for last night by the way. My parents would’ve killed me,” I let out a small laugh before tying my hair up in a ponytail with a spare hairband on my wrist. Glancing up to the clock on the wall, I sigh massively. “Shit, I should probably get home. I can drop you to Bryce’s to get your car if you’d like?” I offer. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll see you later.”

Getting myself to school on time was no problem, but as soon as I entered the building it felt as if everything was moving in slow motion. Until I see him. “Hey! How was your night?” Y/BF/N kisses my forehead, not my lips. “It was alright, I drank a little too much to be honest,” we begin walking down the corridor. As cringe as it sounds, all I wanted was him to hold my hand. Is it that hard? Really? “I bet your parents flipped then,” he chuckles. This is it. I have no reason to lie - really. I didn’t do anything wrong. But it sounds wrong. “Actually, I-“ I pause. “I stayed at Jess’ so they don’t know,” I watch as he nods. His facial expression immediately looks relieved. “Jess told me, I just wanted to make sure.” My heart stops at his response. What the fuck does that mean? He asked Jess before asking me? That’s not right? Yet I say nothing... because I can’t find a reason to.

It’s that time again. That one free period. I’m expecting Monty at any moment now. I hate to say it but I quite look forward to it. It’s somewhat a breath of fresh air. “I was wondering when you’d appear,” I smile as he sits himself in his seat. Going quiet, I swirl my fruit around the pot with a fork. “Are you okay?” His face serious. I take a breath. “I wanted to apologise for last night actually. I shouldn’t of said what I said,” I dodge his gaze, which is extremely hard. The silence remains, but only for a second. “Did you mean it?” I could play dumb and be like ‘mean what’ but I know. It’s been running on loop for the past 16 hours. “It doesn’t matter whether I meant it or not. I have a boyfriend.” “So you did?” He smirks. I’m not gonna mention the effect of the smirk. I guess you can imagine. I let a small smile appear at the side of my face. “Maybe...” sober flirting is NOT okay Y/N! I try to remind myself over and over but it’s so tempting. My heart suddenly sinks. “Can I ask you something? I want a serious answer,” his eyes widen, yet he still nods. “Is it odd that my boyfriend asked Jess where I was last night, then asked me to double check?” His eyebrows raise. “He was trying to catch you out. That’s a bit-“ “I know.” Control your breathing Y/N. I start to feel extra heavy on my heart, which means I’m probably about 30 seconds away from breaking down. “He’s never been like that before,” I mutter. “Y/N. You need to realise that I’m probably more in love with you than he is,” my head shoots up, making him cough. I’d be lying if I said my heart didn’t skip a beat; it actually skipped about 17. “Don’t say shit like that Montgomery- he’s never even said it,” I laugh to break the awkwardness. “You’ve been dating for ages Y/N. You deserve better than that, always.” I watch as he lifts himself out of his seat. “Monty-“ I try and stop him. “I need to go, I’ll text you.”

Several sentences run on loop through my head for the rest of the day. Every breath that exited Monty’s mouth was just - confusing. Shoving my head in my locker, a lot like I see Clay doing a lot, seems just like the escape I need. Except it’s not an escape. I’m still in this shit hole. “Hey!” I get poked in my side gently by Y/BF/N. It’s been about an hour and a half since I spoke to Monty. So it’s been an hour and a half of me working myself. And right now I’m pretty fucking angry. He catches me roll my eyes. “Honestly, Y/BF/N, I wouldn’t wanna talk to me right now,” I warn him, as my heart starts to race faster and faster the more I look up at him. “What’s this about then?” A chuckle leaves his lips, and I contain as much as I can. “Maybe the fact that you don’t fucking trust me,” although I don’t think he should trust me, he has no reason to not. “Who said that?” He’s such a nice guy. I swear he is. I don’t wanna hurt him. “You!” I raise my voice but take a breath before continuing. ‘When you asked Jess where I stayed last night,” it’s almost a whisper. He lets out a big sigh. “I know what those guys are like.” Those guys. Everyone knows what most of those guys are like. Some of those guys are nice, to me at least. And some of those guys are Scott and Monty. That’s pretty much it. “And me? You don’t know what I’m like?” In the corner of my eye I see Monty laughing with Bryce, Zach, and Scott. A sudden urge comes over me to end this conversation. “Look, maybe we need some space,” I lie. As if we need more space. “Y/N,” his arm wraps around my forearm. The sad truth is that’s the most action I’ve got in a long ass time. “I’ll ring you tonight, I need to go.” So I close my locker, turn around, and catch Monty’s eye before walking out of school.

Refusing Jess’ offer to drive me home, I just think and pretty much talk to myself all the way to my house. I’m lost. Not actually physically lost, but I am lost. I’m only bought back to reality when my phone dings.

‘Really Y/N?’ - Y/BF/N ❤️

I can’t help but roll my eyes. This is what I have to do to get attention from my own boyfriend? No apology, because he hasn’t done anything wrong. He could say ‘let’s talk about it’. Why would he say that though? I go to text him back but my phone starts to ring.

“And what do you want Monty?” I smile down the phone. I’m very glad I’m on my own right now. “I was just seeing if you’re alright.” I sigh at his words. To think that’s all I want Y/BF/N to say. To show some affection! That would be nice. But Y/BF/N isn’t Monty. “I guess so. I’ve just got home.” He begins to talk about some random ass shit - stuff we wouldn’t usually talk about - while I unlock the front door to my house. Throwing my bag down on my bedroom floor, I get a text. Damn. Why am I so popular today? “Why has Bryce just texted me?” I laugh, mostly to myself. “He’s probably trying to get you to come to his house party tonight.” I freeze. “Wasn’t there-“ “Yeah, but his parents are out of town for a few days I think,” he sounds unimpressed. Monty? Bryce’s best friend? Is sounding unimpressed with Bryce’s actions? That’s a first. “Why’d you sound like that?” “I told him not to text you. Don’t let him pressure you into it,” it’s as if Monty knew every word that would make me like him more, more than I should. “I really enjoyed myself you know, I don’t think I mentioned that,” I admit, and silence falls across the line for seconds that feel like minutes. Then appears a cough. “Well, in that case, I’ll pick you up. If you want that is.” I can only read Monty’s face at the best of times, so trying to judge his voice is a fat ass struggle. “It’s-“ My body wanted to use the ‘it’s a date’ line. THAT would be embarrassing. “Okay then.”

Clothing. Such a funny thing. When it comes to Y/BF/N I find myself not really caring what I wear, so I feel somewhat guilty for caring now. ‘It’s a party’ is an excuse, but I’d be lying. He’s never shown much interest unfortunately. So here I am, rummaging frantically through my wardrobe and drawers to find something cute. I find a dress, that is probably a bit short, but ‘it’s a party’. Should I curl my hair? No. That looks like too much effort. But... no. I decide just to brush it. With a knock on the door, my head shoots to the clock on my wall. 8pm?! Shit. My legs and my heart speed up drastically and I hear my mum answer the door. Fuck no.

I walk downstairs and witness the embrace between Monty and my mother. “Ah Y/N, I was just meeting...” my mum pauses and gazed at me in hint of ‘what’s this guy’s name?’ “Monty,” I sigh. I press my lips together to smile towards them both. “It’s so nice to meet you,” if there’s one thing you should know about my mum is that she’s very touchy. I would’ve warned Monty, but I hadn’t quite imagined them meeting yet - or at all really. She shakes his hand. I cough while I slip my shoes on, which are trainers so I guess they kill the dress vibe. I don’t care. Once they’re on, my mission is to leave. I need to. I know what she’s like. “Alright, I’ll see you later!” I give my mum a hug and open the front door as fast as I can. “Please come in quietly. It was nice to finally meet you Monty! I’ve been waiting to meet Y/N boyfriend for a long time now.” “Alright bye!” I rush. Fuck.

“I’m sorry about that,” I laugh as I throw myself in the passenger seat. The smile on his face is very comforting. “Nah it’s cool, I’d love to have a mum like that,” my heart sinks slightly. I’m not 100% sure what that means, but it’s definitely not positive. “Y/N.” Is all he says. “About Y/BF/N-“ “I know.” I stop him. Thanks mum. The engine finally starts, and we’re off, and I realise that I’m off to a party with Monty. I don’t think this looks very good.

A drink is pretty much thrown at me as soon as I walk in the house. It’s a lot like deja vu, except I’ve appeared with Monty today. Shit. I shouldn’t be here. My eyes lay on Jess. “Give me a sec,” I say, and wonder over to my best friend. Her arms wrap around me, squeezing me as if we haven’t seen each other in weeks. We chat about some random shit until it must sink in. “Wait... did you come with Monty?” She asks thick with confusion. “I did...” I say slowly. “Does it look bad?” I ask. I ask only because I know she’ll be honest. “A little, but honestly fuck Y/BF/N!” My jaw drops with a smile. “I mean it! He’s a nice guy and all, but he’s pretty shit to you,” she shrugs and chugs the rest of her drink. “At least Monty is shit to everyone but you.”

Wishing Jess never said those words, I find myself hung up on them as I hang out with the guy. I know Monty isn’t the nicest person to everyone, but when I speak to him I don’t care. Should I? I feel like I should. I take a sip of my drink, which isn’t a mix of everything this time, while I listen to Scott. He’s one of those guys that you just want as your best friend. I laugh at the funny thing he said. I’d mention it, but I don’t remember as I notice Monty calling me over to him with his hand.

Finishing up my conversation with Scott, I follow Monty outside. The sky beams clear. Not a star in sight. “Are you cold?” He asks. It’s also not warm, but it isn’t cold either. I say no, slightly afraid of how I’d have to act if he offered his jacket. “I haven’t seen much of you,” I’m unsure of what to say so I say that. It’s never awkward with us, but I don’t trust myself anymore. Why should Y/BF/N trust me when I don’t even trust me? “Awe did you miss me?” He nudges me with a gleaming smile. I stop myself from smiling as the guilt starts to flood in. “Y/N-“ “I’m fine. It’s just...” “Y/BF/N,” he interrupts. I let out a short awkward laugh. Sigh. “I feel like talking about him with you will make things odd between us,” I gesture Monty and I. “And that’s wrong.” “It’s okay-“ “it’s not though,” tears - for some weird reason - start to form in my eyes. Blinking reduces the watering. That would be embarrassing. “He’s my boyfriend,” I let out in a whisper. “He’s a shit boyfriend if you ask me,” Monty huffs. Although I somewhat agree, Monty’s words stress me out a little. The truth hurts, and the fact that Monty is the only person to tell me that (other than Jess) is annoying. “Well I didn’t ask,” I didn’t want to snap at him, and my tone was too soft for it to. If anything I sounded pathetic. “I’m gonna kiss you now,” he says OUT OF NOWHERE. “Wha-“ I’m stopped by his lips. Lips so soft and sweet and just... perfect. His lips on mine, his fingers on his right hand tilting my chin up slightly. I’m truly swept away. My right hand goes up to the side of his face to keep his lips on mine for a little longer - and then I realise what I’m doing. Shit. I’m unsure of what to do as I pull away, so I just become completely speechless. Our eyes lock for 5 seconds at the most. Then I find myself running away.

“Woah, are you okay?” Hands go on my shoulder. More specifically, Scott’s hands, when he stops me in my tracks. “Fuck,” I let out in a breath. “Is there anywhere I can just go to breathe a second?” He walks me to a spare bedroom which is very clearly one of a few. I’m prepared to be by myself, but Scott takes a seat on the bed. My own fingers spread through my hair in a stressed motion. “I just kissed Monty,” Scott’s facial expression doesn’t change. I realise that this is Scott, and I shouldn’t be talking to him about this, but it’s also Scott - the actual nice guy. “And..?” He shrugs, shoving some small snack food in his mouth. “And I shouldn’t have.” “Do you have a boyfriend or something?” I snap my head to Scott after his words. “Y/BF/N..?” I ask slowly, and his eyes widen. “What, really? I thought he was gay,” I can’t help but crack a smile for a very short second. “Scott...” I shake my head. Honestly I’m just thankful Scott’s the way he is. How did he just lighten the mood with that? “I know I shouldn’t pry but he doesn’t really treat you in that way,” he pauses. “From what I’ve seen of course.” Oh of course. “Look Scott, I appreciate this but can you give me a second to be by myself?” I ask as nicely as I can. “Oh shit, yeah of course. Sorry,” he chuckles, and stands. “What do you want me to tell Monty?” He turns before he leaves the room. “Anything, but don’t tell him I’m up here please.” He closes the door behind him.

I pace the floor up and down approximately 50 times before Monty walks through the door. My heart stops. “I told Scott-“ “I know, but he’s my best friend Y/N,” he closes the door gently behind him, but he doesn’t enter the room fully. Only staying by the door. As if waiting for some sort of permission, I watch as he twiddles his fingers. “You shouldn’t of kissed me Monty,” I sigh. A step forward is taken by the boy in front of me. “I’m really sorry,” to be able to feel the apology from Montgomery De La Cruz is truly something. I’ve never seen him like this. I hate how much I like it. “You know I have a boyfriend, and you did it anyway,” Monty avoids my gaze at him, looking at the ground instead. Or the ceiling. Or the wall. “I just thought-“ “I know what you thought.” I stop him. I want him him to leave, but the thought of him leaving me right now was just heartbreaking. A few more steps are taken. “It’s unfair. It’s unfair on Y/BF/N, and you. And me.” When his eyes finally look at me - not at anything but - I just knew. The feeling of needing someone has never felt so prominent to me. So I act on it. My hands reach up to his head, I lift myself onto my tip toes, and pull his lips down to mine. His hands are gently caressing my waist within seconds. My legs lead us towards the bed. The feeling of his body slowly sitting down shouldn’t of been a cue for my body to straddle him, but I do. And then the make out becomes a bit more full on. I feel guilty for not feeling guilty. I should be regretting this, but it’s actually perfect. The way he slides his tongue into my mouth, and the way his hands are slowly making their way lower down my body, it’s a different feeling. In this moment, I’m starting to realise how full I feel around him, and how almost utterly empty I feel otherwise. I let out a light moan as his hand reach my ass and move me - creating that friction feeling I’ve been missing. The smirk I felt under our kiss was adorable. I didn’t even need to see it, although I’m thankful I didn’t. This boy doesn’t need to wrap me around his finger any tighter.

My hands move themselves to the bottom of his tee, and that’s when I freeze. I break our lips and balance my forehead on his. Heavy breathes leave my mouth. “I’m sorry, I just-“ I pause to breathe and think carefully about my words. “I don’t wanna stop but I think I need to sort some shit out,” he nods underneath me, but he says absolutely nothing. This is not where my guilt should be. “I’m just a bad enough person already as it is,” I let out a chuckle once I see the side of his mouth turn up slightly. “Want me to drive you home?” I smile sympathetically at his words. His voice so soft. I hold the sides of his face and smooth his cheeks for a few seconds. His hand holds over mine, takes it, and kisses it. Blush. “Okay, let’s leave now,” I laugh, embarrassed of the hold he has over me.

Midday the next day

Since there was almost no drinking and definitely no drugs taken on my part, my head should be fine. But my head is FUCKED. Do I feel guilty? I feel guilty about leaving Monty last night, not Y/BF/N. And that’s making me feel guilty. So it’s about 7am and I’m walking to school. I hardly slept, I just thought the rest of the night. When I did finally fall asleep, I dreamt about Monty and how perfect last night was despite everything. I’m only walking to pass time. Driving would be way too quick. Although, my plan to have my mission planned by the time I get there, is a mission failed already. A 30 minute walk and nothing. Fuck.

In a crowd of people, I automatically spot 4 people. Monty and Scott are the first two, then Jess, and then Y/BF/N. My paranoia goes straight to ‘Monty’s told Scott and Scott’s told everyone else’, but I’ve never seen Scott or Monty like that. I know they’ve done it though. That makes me nervous. I go straight to Jess. She always knows what to say. “Hey... Jess,” I sigh. Usually me and Jess get lost in ourselves and ignore a lot of the noise around us, but not today. Not for me. Eyes were on me, even if they weren’t actually. “Are you- oh Y/N,” her eyes hint to my left. Y/BF/N. “That’s my cue to leave,” her words leave as does she. Thanks a lot. “We need to talk.” He knows.

We walk outside just around the corner. It’s not as if we’re in private. Nothing is private here. “We need to talk about yesterday,” he looks me dead in the eyes, which is quite intimidating. I’m such a shitty person. “I thought about it, and I understand why you acted the way you did.” His words sting. There’s nothing I can do. Admitting it out loud is so frightening so I say nothing still. He sighs. “The silent treatment? Really? You overreacted about me asking Jess,” he rolls his eyes at me. My gut goes from feeling sick, to really fucking angry. “Wow okay,” I let out in an angry mumble. “But I am sorry. I should’ve just asked you, and not Jess,” my eyebrows raise at his apology. “You’re a dickhead,” is all I can get out. My legs try to walk me away, but his hand clutch my wrist. “I’m trying to fix this,” his words, although exactly what I wanted to hear, were quite harshly spat at me as his grip grows tighter. “I think we need to be done.” Did I actually just say that? I’ve kept that to myself for too long. He lets my arm fall from his grip. I’ve never seen him like this. “You’re not breaking up with me, you’re gonna regret that.” The guy I watch strop away is not the guy I know? Who is that?

The bell rang about 10 minutes after Y/BF/N walked away, but I only just walk myself into the building. I find the guy I actually don’t mind bumping into leaning again my locker. “Hey Monty,” his smile makes me smile, which is so gross I know. “Are you okay?” He asks, nodding towards outside. “Yeah, I just, I’m so confused,” when I light my hand up to cup my forehead, I notice - as does Monty - the finger marks around my wrist. They’re ever so faint, but they’re there. “He tried to stop me walking away, it’s no big deal,” I say to his eyes. The facial expression was nothing I’d seen before. “Honestly, it’s nothing,” my right hand reaches up to his face to cup his cheek, then I realise where we are. “What did he say?” He asks. I wonder why he cares so much. It’s really attractive. “Can we talk about it later?” I ask, and his slow nod is extremely comforting. “Do you wanna ditch?” A wide smile spread across his face. “Monty...” I whisper, reciprocating the same expression. My back slowly flattens against the lockers neighbouring mine as his body gets closer to mine. “I think we should ditch,” he says again once his body is gently touching mine. Imagine just one person comes out of class right now. We definitely shouldn’t, but I really want to. “Okay,” I whisper, nibbling the inside of my lip. His hand slips gently into mine and he pulls me out of the shitty school. I’m a terrible person.

It’s as if it’s a whole other world with Monty. I can’t describe it fully, because I don’t fully understand it myself, but I got lost in him. “Where are we going then?” He asks about 5 minutes into driving. I raise my eyebrows towards him with a fat smile on my face. “You’re the one who said we should ditch!” He just shrugs. I face forwards, but I catch him smirk at me in the corner of my eye whilst scanning me briefly up and down. This guy is too attractive. “I guess we can go to mine, it should be empty.”

I unlock the door to an empty house. Like the gentleman he is, he slips his shoes off just to the side. “What shall we do?” He asks with bright eyes. “Hungry?” His response is obviously.

We decide to make some cakes - which isn’t exactly what I mean by food but it’s a lot nicer anyway. By ‘we’ I mean me. I weigh out all the ingredients while he just observes. “Are you gonna help?” I ask with a slight chuckle. “I’m actually alright just watching you,” he bites his lip after his words. “That’s creepy Montgomery.” “Hearing you say my full name turns me on,” my face goes from normal to very red. His face remains serious too, other than a smirk forming slowly. I ignore him (as much as I can) and go back to pouring the ingredient into one bowl and mixing. It only takes seconds before I feel his body directly behind mine. I feel as his fingers creep towards my waist, and his head slowly sinking to my level. I refuse to get distracted by him and continue mixing, and his lips proceed to my neck. Holy shit. He kisses it once, then twice, then an open mouth one. As he begins sucking and nibbling, my hand (as if a reflex) goes to the back of his head. I spin myself to face him. My eyes scan him as I breathe slightly heavier than usual. A few seconds of silence. “Fuck you,” is all I can whisper before wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him passionately. He slides the bowl from behind me and lifts me onto the counter. Although his body is as close as it can be right now, it remains not close enough. Our tongues battle and glide through each other’s mouths. It takes no time for me to realise how much I need him. I’ve been fooling myself all this time. When I grab the bottom of his shirt, this time I remove it as fast as I can. Wow. I take a second to absorb it all it. “It’s rude to stare,” he grunts, his hands smoothing my thighs up and down slowly. I look down at them, and look back up to his eyes. The sensation going through my body was phenomenal. He hasn’t even touched me yet. I grab the top of his trousers and pull him closer to me. Starting from his lips, I lay kisses down. Across to his cheek, down to his neck, and a few down his chest. I feel his heartbeat become irregular. The most attractive thing in the moment was the very apparent wait for the okay. His eyes scan my body, just like I did, except he has nothing to admire. Me on the other hand? Wow. The only signal I can send him is by unbuckling his belt. A sort-of glow forms in his eyes before finally moving.

My thong gets dropped on the floor near by. The guilt comes from me wearing my favourite underwear today, but I now have nothing to feel guilty about. Well... not this. I want to be here. I watch as he kneels down to floor, his face opposite my heat. Desperate for his touch. The breath that left his mouth became more and more fierce as he came close and closer, before finally making contact. His mouth wraps around my clit. I send my head back and my hand pushes to the back of his head once again. “Oh shit,” I breathe out in a moan. His hands wrap around my thighs, pulling my body closer to his mouth. My moans try to remain retained, which was a lot harder than I imagined. I just moan louder and louder ad he continues eating me out. As his tongue laps all over, I already feel like letting go. Not yet. I pull him up, shutting his confused look up with my mouth on his. My hands fumble at his belt again, but his large hands stop mine in their tracks. He pulls his lips off mine, our noses still keeping contact. “I need you,” I whisper. I feel as a deep breath leaves his mouth onto mine. “Trust me, I need you. But not here,” and with that he picks me up with one arm under my knees and the other hooked under my arms. As he somehow starts carrying me up the stairs, I get caught up in the moment. “Shit it’s like we just got married,” I smile and chuckle to show I’m joking. The smirk, the eyes, the everything on his face. “I’ll marry you,” I collapse my head on his shoulder, shaking it slightly. “Fuck,” I whisper, lifting my head and pushing my lips on his when we get to the top.

Being thrown on my own bed is the single most attractive thing I’ve ever experienced. He kneels between my slightly spread legs. Sitting up, I attach my lips to his chest, kissing ball the way up to finally being back on his lips. The kiss pulls his body down onto mine. The stupid belt is finally removed and I start to pull his trousers down and off. Naked. Montgomery De La Cruz is knelt slightly in front of me putting a condom on his dick while I shuffle in under my covers. I didn’t think we’d get here. Well... not this soon. “I thought staring was creepy,” his voice speaks, low and sexy. I wish the smirk wasn’t so natural to him. Most guys do it and it’s not it at all. He does it and... “No. Saying you were fine watching me was creepy. I’m just- admiring?” I suck in my bottom lip, nibbling at it just a little for him to notice. “Okay I’ll let you off,” he throws the covers over him, his face coming extremely close to mine yet not touching. My legs, as if by reflex, spread a little more when his tip brushes against the inside of my thigh. My heart races more. “If you wanna stop just tell me,” is the only thing he could’ve said to both calm me and get me more flustered inside. I nod. He starts to enter himself inside me - quite slowly and carefully - stopping until I give him another nod. Although I’m not a virgin, the discomfort was still there a bit. I cup his face with my hand, stroking his cheek with my thumb. I trail it down to his lips where he kisses it once. He freezes inside me for a few seconds once his length is fully inside me. “Okay,” I nod, pulling his face down onto mine before he pulls out slowly to push back in. I try not to moan already. He slips his tongue into my mouth, swirling and crashing it with mine mid moan. His lips kiss down to my chin, which is when his hand lifts my leg up and out. As my breathing hitches more, nibbles go across my neck to my ear. Woah. He takes my ear lobe between his teeth, pulling it down. That’s something I’ve never felt before. “Moan for me,” pillow talk is another thing I’ve never experienced, which leads me to grunt rather loudly. Mid-moan his lips reattach themselves to mine. I let my hands grip his back. My aim was to pull him closer to me, but all I do is scratch down his back. At first I feel bad, then I hear the moan from Monty that followed. That was me done. “Fuck,” I let out in his mouth. The pace is increased more, my arms wrap around his neck - almost hugging him into me. A hand grips my waist as if to say ‘I know you’re close’. I am. I so am. Holding back was in my plans. I spread my fingers through his hair as I begin to let go. “Monty,” I squeak between our lips. A release I’ve been waiting for, with the guy I think I’ve been needing. Once again, Monty’s thrusts increase one last time, this time for his own climax. The twitch inside me finished my frenzy around him. All that was left between us was sweat and heavy breathing.

I lay, my head on his chest, with his arm thrown around me like in the movies. The fingers on our hands intertwined together in an unsolvable puzzle. Chatting as if it was normal what we just did. It is normal. It feels normal. Which is the weird thing. “When’s your mum coming home?” He asks, placing a kiss on the back of my hand. “She’s working a night shift tonight, so you can stay if you’d like,” those aren’t exactly the words I wanted to say. “I should probably go home, my dad-“ “Please stay. I want you to stay,” I stop him with the words I truly meant to stay. Imagine staying overnight with a boy? True heaven I imagine. Especially since that guy is Monty. I tilt my head up to look him in the eyes. His lips, still soft and kind, place themselves on my lips again after letting out an ‘okay’. And suddenly it’s another makeout session. I know exactly where this is going to go. I’m gonna - if I’m not already - fall too hard for Montgomery De La Cruz.

#13 reasons why #montgomery de la cruz #13rw #13 reasons why montgomery #smut #monty x reader #Montgomery de la Cruz x reader #monty smut

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takirasu · 4 years ago

Note

mightve scrolled throu your blog a little bit, so without wanting to be too noisy here futaba, akira and kawakami for the ask persona 5 ask game tell alot about someone i really enjoyed your content pls do more for the fandom xx

To be honest I had totally forgotten about this ask, since I wanted to answer it when I’m on PC! :(

Thank you for your kind words, dear! I’m trying to do stuff for the fandom. It’s just a little far from what I usually do so it’s a little complicated. For my other fandoms I install camera mods, reshaders etc. and edit to find either small details in games or show the cutscenes in a different way. Editing and video game photography have become a big hobby of mine. As for Persona 5, that’s a little harder. There is no PC version, so I took some screenshots from Scramble’s switch version and enhanced their quality. I want to do more cool stuff, but it’s limited TT Atlast what I’m planning to do is play Scramble on YouTube when it comes out! Also for Scramble the in-game cutscenes have become way better. I might be able to do something about it. But enough rambling

Futaba: Favourite Palace?

This will be very boring since it is a popular answer as far as I have seen, but Sae’s palace, the casino. Kamoshida’s and Madarame’s are very close, but Sae’s has everything to me. The casino aesthetics are so beautifully done and the whole concept was thought through. You enter and have to obtain a members card which I found very interesting. Instead of just letting you pass and do the cool puzzles, this is your first job. When that is done, you need to obtain the High Limit card. This is all very casino-like. You have to play games to obtain it, but it is rigged. It is impossible to win and it is a hell lot of fun to see the casino workers losing their shit about you actually winning since you let Futaba hack the control panels, which by the way are the only part I did not enjoy. I looked for the red or green one for ages and almost died, because I kept running and circles. I’m good at reading maps, so I was surprised. This was the first palace where I kept going in circles and couldn’t find my way back - twice! I don’t remember a puzzle I didn’t like. I enjoyed both. The house of darkness as well as the Battle arena. The house of darkness gave me major amusment park during halloween season flashbacks. I love visiting haunted house, so this whole part just felt like something I would’ve loved doing in reality anyway and now I can enjoy it as a game with a fantasy aspect to it. It was really cool that without using Third Eye it was actually pitchblack - which I hadn’t expected from the developers. It was intriguing. When you went further, the casino lights came back, but enemies where around every corner. I loved it! The battle arena just felt epic to me. I liked how Joker had to fight alone, making it the first time the player is forced to do this alone, especially since you get tricked once again. The Phantom Thieves are told it is a 1v1 fight, but it’s not. Joker has to fight against two shadows, which is a major disadvantage. The boss fight was fun to me as well. It was the first one where I didn’t get angry, but felt like I was actually gambling. To think about if I put high risk high reward and might end up losing my life or if I play safely. Instead of just having to think about the combat strategies, you now had to think about how to gamble. Rather than getting mad, I got stressed - in a good way, what gamble does. Giving you adrenaline when you win, but making you fall even harder when you lose. I ended up playing safely and winning, so I thought let’s go high risk high reward - I died. Lastly, this palace is what ties everything together. This is what you see when you start the game and you finally get context to it on why Joker is running away - especially alone! - and how he gets arrested. The whole built up is nicely done and it feels satisfying, more than any other palace to me. Instead of just continuing with the story, you get so many answers on top and from then onwards the game takes a whole twist and becomes even darker.

I also really liked Madarame’s musuem, but hated the boss fight so it would never become my no1. For Kamoshida, I love the castle design and aesthetics. And since it is the first palace, you have so many memories with it. I started my second playthrough a week later and for some reason got all happy and excited during the first time you enter the castle. The beginning of Persona 5 just has a certain charm to it for me.

Akira: If you had a palace, what would it be?

Damn I never thought much about it. I read alot of headcanons for palaces for Akira and thought about them - I love the theater idea by the way, fits him a lot - , but never thought about my own. I think, without making this too personal, I would have a palace in this world. I definetely would. Probably an amusment park, an arcade or something along the lines of things going up and down, moods going up and down quickly as well as the way I view myself, my emotions and life. Just in general something where you can do a lot of different things and feel a lot of different, intense emotions but with an aspect that’s alot me. It would be a turbulent, kind of sad yet kind of fun palace. This would get hella personal, so I’ll stop here, but these two would be very fitting ^^ I might need to write it down one day for myself. It’s an interesting thought!

Kawakami: Most surprising scene?

It is either when you meet Akechi on Shido’s cruiser or the way end of the Yaldabaoth fight. As for the scene with Akechi, I was just exhausted. It was really late and I hated the mice puzzles. I died to the caretaker three times and was reliefed when he finally let us go. I thought Okay all that is left now is get back to the safe room and sleep in reality. My friend had warned me and told me to tell her when I’m in the engine room. After the caretaker fight being so hard for me, I thought this was what she had wanted to talk about. But well...then you leave the room and meet Akechi. I thought we would either never meet him again and he’d think Akira is dead until the very last minute or we meet him at the end somehow. It was surprising to me and seemed so random, until you find out Akechi’s real motives towards Shido. In general, I was just pretty dumbfounded at this scene. Didn’t die once against him, but it was a tough and kind of scary battle. Made me emotional and I went to sleep having nightmares actually. I felt bad for not being able to save him as well as I did in my dreams and cried in there. I don’t like him as a character, but stated in my analysis before that he is really interesting. My friend and I kept on saying ugh can he just leave or die he is so annoying, but when he died my first thought was that this ain’t how it was supposed to end. It’s not fair, not even to him. I wanted Akechi to attone for what he did. To get to jail with Shido together and then get help, but with genunine concern. This is what I wished for this character. As for the Yaldaboath fight, I died three times and got pretty angry. I was pulling an all-nighter to finish the game, it was 5AM and I had been emotional all day. When I finally had him down enough, I thought the Phantom Thieves would just kill him like normal and that’s it. Then this whole scene happens where all the people cheer them on and Akira has his second awakening, unleashing some freaking demon god. I was screaming to my friend. It looked so cool and it made me so emotional. Also, unpopular opinion, but I love the anime scene a lot for this. It’s beautifully done (it’s an OVA which have better graphics so be sure to check it out!) and made me feel a lot.

Thank you for your message! It was fun to write this.

Send me a Persona 5 character name for the ask game if you’re interested about my thoughts!

#ask #persona 5 #ask game

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robdelicious · 5 years ago

Text

How Robert Pattinson And Willem Dafoe Made It To The Lighthouse

Out of a swirling fog emerges the prow of a boat, knifing through a foaming sea. Two figures, shadows in the murk, stand silhouetted on the foredeck, confronting the horizon, their backs to us. Presently an island swims into view. No more than a crag, really: lonely, battered, forbidding. Then a lighthouse can be made out, blinking in the gloom.

Now we see the men head-on, a striking dual portrait in high contrast black and white: a double exposure. They are wearing sailors’ caps, greatcoats, and hefting wooden trunks. One is younger, taller, moustachioed. The other, more deeply crevassed, sports a wild beard, out of which pokes a small wooden pipe, like Popeye’s. Theirs are, by any standards, remarkable faces, extreme faces, unyielding as rock yet sculpted with great delicacy, skin stretched tight over jutting bones: sharp noses, strong jaws, deep set eyes. And, oh, the cheekbones! And would you look at all those teeth?

Before anything else — before they are handsome faces, or expressive faces, or famous faces (they are all of those things) — these are photogenic faces. On first inspection they appear impassive, almost blank. And yet an air of foreboding is struck. The older man’s features are fixed in a roguish grimace. The younger man is wary, tense. These might be the faces of a father and son, or brothers separated by decades: hard, thin, stern faces, built for hard, thin, stern lives. Lives filled with mean disappointments, festering resentments, blood feuds. Here are men who have seen trouble before and will see it again. Maybe they’re looking for trouble. Maybe they’ve found it. Is this a dual portrait — or the portrait of a duel?

Whatever has thrown these men together in this place — fate, karma, the thirst for adventure, the desire for escape (in the case of the characters, but perhaps the actors, too?) or (in the case of the actors specifically) the need to stretch oneself artistically, or to challenge oneself physically, or the reputation of the director, or a really good script, or all of these things — one senses they are aware already, as they square up to the stinging reality of their circumstances, that they may have got more than they bargained for. What we can be sure of from the off: there will be weather. There will be conflict. And there will be acting.

The film is The Lighthouse, the second feature film from the 36-year-old American writer-director Robert Eggers, who made a stir with his debut, The Witch. Eggers, who is based in Brooklyn but grew up in rural New Hampshire, is a man possessed of a rare and creepy gothic sensibility. The Witch was an arthouse horror film, a twisted fairytale with the insidious power of a nightmare. It concerned a family of 17th-century puritans banished to the woods of New England, and it involved possessed children, birds pecking at human flesh, and an unholy bond with a goat. It cost $4m to make and earned that money back 10 times over, making Eggers not just a critical darling, but a coming man in commercial cinema.

For The Lighthouse, Eggers is reunited with A24, among other production companies, and with much of his crew from The Witch, including his director of photography, Jarin Blaschke, and composer Mark Korven, who between them do as much as anyone to set the eerie mood. His co-writer is his brother, Max Eggers. The actors were new to him.

Those faces that I have been at pains to describe, then, belong to Robert Pattinson and Willem Dafoe. They play lighthouse keepers on a wind-slapped, rain-lashed rock off the Atlantic coast of North America. The year is 1890. Pattinson is, or appears to be, Ephraim Winslow, the taciturn apprentice. “I ain’t much for talkin’,” he says early on — a statement, like so many in this film of shifting and unfixed identities, that turns out to be not entirely true.

Dafoe is Winslow’s irascible, peg-legged senior partner, Thomas Wake, an experienced “wickie” and a cruel taskmaster, obsessively enraptured by the beacon he tends. “The light is mine!” he declares, mad-eyed. Wake consigns Winslow to the bowels of the building, where the younger man stokes the fire and swabs the floors and nurtures his grievances, while indulging in some quite epic, mermaid-focussed masturbation. Winslow and Wake are to spend four weeks alone on the island before they are to be relieved. But when a storm blows in, the odd couple are stranded — maybe, or maybe not, because a violent act on Winslow’s part has brought down a curse upon them. Slowly, and then in spasms of ultraviolence, they unravel.

The Lighthouse is a twisted buddy movie, a surreal black comedy, a psychological thriller set at the hysterical pitch of Grand Guignol. It was filmed in the spring of 2018 on sound stages in the city of Halifax, Nova Scotia, on Canada’s Atlantic coast, and on location on the tiny fishing community of Cape Forchu, nearby. (“People tend to spend up to 45 minutes here,” Google Maps tells us of Cape Forchu. This fact might, or might not, amuse the filmmakers who spent weeks there, battling Biblical conditions. “It snowed in May,” notes Dafoe.)

With the exception of the Moldovan model Valeriia Karaman, who makes a number of brief, though memorable, appearances in her debut film, Pattinson and Dafoe are the only members of the cast, and their seesawing power struggle is the film’s entire focus, with point of view switching sides like a sail boat’s boom in a storm. Its success or failure rests heavily on their shoulders.

Pattinson and Dafoe are big stars, both. They are also men from different generations, different backgrounds, different countries and traditions. The Lighthouse was not an easy film to make for a number of reasons — the remote location, the raging weather — but not the least of the filmmakers’ challenges were the contrasting approaches of the two actors.

“They really did have incredible chemistry on screen,” director Eggers tells me on the phone, “but it was chemistry through tension. I know there’s been discussion about their different acting techniques and the trying conditions on set…” He pauses. “That couldn’t have been better for the movie.”

If you happened to be out and about in Halifax, in the early spring of 2018, you may have noticed a slender young loner stalking the streets day after day, muttering to himself. Noticed him, and felt concern for his emotional wellbeing. Had you followed him, and listened closely, you might have heard the same words repeated over and over again, in a gravel-voiced near-grunt: “Woyt poyn, woyt poyn, woyt poyn…” Come again? “Woyt poyn, woyt poyn...”

“White pine,” the slender young man enunciates into my voice recorder, 18 months on, in the accent of a nicely brought-up southwest London boy, rather than a 19th-century working man from a highly specific part of Maine. White pine — I’m sorry, woyt poyn — is one of the trees which his character lists when telling his colleague of his past misadventures as a lumberjack. Pattinson developed the accent with the help of a dialect coach and by speaking to a contemporary Maine lobster fisherman on the phone. “It’s one of those accents where if you say one syllable wrong it’s suddenly Jamaican, or something,” he says. “So it took ages.”

Pattinson arrived early in Halifax, before his director and co-star, to psych himself into the role of the saturnine Ephraim. Having approached Eggers after seeing The Witch, in the hope that they might at some point work together, Pattinson had declined the director’s first suggestion, for a part in a more conventional, mainstream film that the director was then developing.

“He said he was only interested in doing weird things,” Eggers says. “So when The Lighthouse came around I said that if he doesn’t find this weird enough, I guess we’ll never work together.”

It’s true, Pattinson says, that at that time, in 2016, he “wanted to do the weirdest stuff in the world.” (Mission accomplished, Rob!) Still, he spent a good deal of time agonising over whether or not to take the role in The Lighthouse. “I remember reading it and I thought it was very funny, but I was also thinking, ‘I don’t understand how the tone would work?’”

When Dafoe signed on, Pattinson was excited. “I knew Willem could bring that kind of anarchic energy,” he says, “but I really didn’t know how I would do it at all.” Dafoe, he says, in one of his many moments of self-effacement, “has one of those faces where he can literally sit in any room in the world, doing almost nothing, and it’s fascinating to watch. Whereas I sort of blend in with the chair I’m sitting on.”

Before filming began, the pair spent a week in rehearsals. Pattinson dislikes rehearsing, preferring to do his experimenting on camera. “It was very, very frustrating,” he says. “I just couldn’t achieve what they wanted me to achieve in that room. Robert [Eggers] was getting furious with me because I was just sitting there, completely monotone the whole time. He could not stand it.” Pattinson tells the story with no rancour whatsoever. He knows it sounds funny, but it wasn’t at the time. “I just don’t know how to perform it until we’re performing it. By the end of the week, I’m thinking, ‘I’m going to get fired before we’ve even started’. I definitely feel like, with the rehearsal period, we were quite angry with each other by the end of it. Literally, we’d finish for the day, I’d fucking slam out the door and go home.

“I knew that there was diminishing expectations of me throughout the week of rehearsals,” he says. “I definitely became an underdog. They’re like, ‘Wow, this was a big mistake. He’s really shit.’”

Pattinson and I talk on a sweltering August morning, in the comfort of a private members’ club in west London, near the flat he’s rented for the summer on Airbnb. (He’s in town to shoot Christopher Nolan’s new sci-fi spectacular, Tenet, about which he is permitted to tell us, with fulsome apologies, precisely nothing.) Rather than swigging kerosene and chaining tobacco, as in the film, he orders a banana smoothie, and when he’s finished that, an apple juice. Occasionally he sucks on a Juul.

Pattinson is 33. He grew up in affluent Barnes, the son of a dealer in vintage cars and a model booker. More or less untrained — unless you count some teenage am-dram — at 19 he was cast as Cedric Diggory, the hero’s doomed frenemy, in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. But his Hollywood breakthrough arrived in 2008. Twilight was a teen B-movie, but it became a pop cult phenomenon, spawning four sequels of diminishing charm, making an otherworldly $3.3bn worldwide and creating megastars of its leads, Pattinson, who played a sexy vampire, and Kristen Stewart, who became his girlfriend on screen and IRL, as they say, before, in an unseemly frenzy of prurient salivating, she became his ex-girlfriend.

While for some he may always be the pallid tween heartthrob, in the six years since the final instalment of Twilight, Pattinson has worked hard to reinvent himself. His post Young Adult years have been cussedly uncommercial and impressively adventurous. In that period, Pattinson has worked with some of cinema’s most fêted directors: David Cronenberg, Anton Corbijn, James Gray, Werner Herzog, the Safdie brothers. Most recently, he was an intergalactic castaway in High Life, an enjoyable, if bonkers, dystopian sci-fi from the French director Claire Denis.

“Even in the Twilight years I never said, ‘Oh, he’s just a pretty boy,’” says Robert Eggers. “I always thought there was something interesting about him. I could tell that he wanted to be a great actor. And in the past years it’s been very clear that he is.”

The attraction of more avant garde or outré material, Pattinson says, is it allows him to let rip in a way he never could in real life. Pattinson compares the experience of acting in a film like The Lighthouse with joyriding. “A lot of the movies I’ve done recently, you literally feel as if you’ve stolen a car and you’re kind of careening through stuff.” (Such are the fantasies, perhaps, of a boy who grew up with a father who imported American sports cars for a living.)

In person, Pattinson is a mild-mannered English actor, albeit a slightly eccentric one. On set, however, “because you’re playing a mad person, it means you can sort of be mad the whole time. Well, not the whole time, but for like an hour before the scene.”

What does he mean by being mad? “You can literally just be sitting on the floor growling and licking up puddles of mud.”

This sounds figurative. He really means it. On The Lighthouse, in the scenes in which his character is meant to be drunk on kerosene (there are quite a few of them), he was “basically unconscious the whole time. It was crazy. I spent so much time making myself throw up. Pissing my pants. It’s the most revolting thing. I don’t know, maybe it’s really annoying.”

It’s hard not to speculate that yes, it might be really annoying. “There’s a scene,” Pattinson remembers, “where Willem’s kind of sleeping on me and we’re really, really drunk and I felt like we’re completely lost in the scene and I’m sitting there trying to make myself gag and Robert [Eggers] told me off because Willem’s looking at him going: ‘If he throws up on me, I’m leaving the set.’ I had absolutely no idea this whole drama was unfolding.”

In some ways, Pattinson concedes, all this acting out is a reaction to his terrifying early super-fame. He speaks of himself in the second person when talking about it. “For a long time you’re very self-conscious in the street. You’re hiding a lot, so [on set] you have an excuse to be wild. It’s like being an adrenaline junkie. And also, when you don’t know how to do something, why not just run headfirst into a wall? See what happens. I haven’t got any other ideas.”

On The Lighthouse, he spun in circles before each take, to make himself off-balance. He placed a stone in one of his shoes, to increase the already considerable physical hardship. He can see — from my disbelieving laughter, apart from anything else — that all this strikes non-actors as funny, even preposterous. It may be that it sounds this way to some actors, too.

The most famous story (possibly apocryphal) of an encounter between an adherent of the Method — in which actors don’t so much pretend to be someone else as try to temporarily become them — and a more traditional, outside-in actor, who puts on costume and makes believe, is Laurence Olivier’s withering put-down of Dustin Hoffman, when they were working together on John Schlesinger’s Marathon Man. At some point, Hoffman, a graduate of the Actors Studio, confided in the great English Shakespearean that, in order to bring the correct verisimilitude to a scene in which his character has not slept for three consecutive nights, he had forced himself to stay awake for the same period. “My dear boy,” Olivier is said to have smoothly replied, “why don’t you just try acting?”

Eggers says that any suggestion of that kind of relationship between Dafoe and Pattinson is wide of the mark. “The idea that Dafoe is outside-in and Rob is this method actor, that’s not the case. I think maybe they lean the tiniest bit into those directions but they’re both combinations of things.”

ESQUIRE: https://www.esquire.com/uk/culture/a29300396/robert-pattinson-willem-dafoe-interview/

#Robert Pattinson #Rob Pattinson #Esquire #The Lighthouse

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spiffysixxsense · 5 years ago

Note

Hello annoying best friend here to fulfill my duty by asking you to answer all of the cute asks

angel; do you have a nickname?

not really. my name is already short and I don't have a prominent quality to nickname me after. The only person who refers to me as anything other than my name is my boyfriend, but I don't think “babe/baby” really counts as a nickname lol

awe; how old are you?

baby; favorite color?

dark teal (blue-green? I've never found a good name for my favorite color)

bloop; spirit animal?

so because I didn't have a good answer for this, I decided to google a quiz to find out, lol. My answer was a deer. here's why;

When you have the deer as spirit animal, you are highly sensitive and have a strong intuition. By affinity with this animal, you have the power to deal with challenges with grace. You master the art of being both determined and gentle in your approach.

The deer totem wisdom imparts those with a special connection with this animal with the ability to be vigilant, move quickly, and trust their instincts to get out the trickiest situations

blossom; favorite book/movie/song?

i don't really have a favorite book, i don't read much outside of school (I wish i did)

movie: A Beautiful Mind

song: oh dear lord i cannot pick just one, but all-time favorite band of mine is Shinedown

blush; what was your stuffed animal as a child?

a little stuffed dog that looked like Kipper from the TV show, I still have him :)

breeze; most precious childhood memory?

lmao what came to mind was when i pledged to never drink, smoke, or say bad words. two out of fucking three ain't bad i guess.

bright; mermaids or fairies?

(honestly neither but) fairies

bubbles; do you have a best friend?

given the asker, i would say yes :) also i am lame and my boyfriend is also my best friend

buttercup; showers or baths?

S H O W E R S. hate baths!

butterfly; dream destination?

I've never had a huge desire to travel honestly. like sure i could say Italy or Greece look beautiful, but the actual act of traveling overseas really stresses me out lol. so i would have to say more like upper midwest, like Maine, in the fall time for all the pretty trees.

buttons; are you religious or spiritual?

i am neither

calm; favorite scent?

anything fruity - pineapple, mango, berries, apples. at least in terms of what candles i like lol.

candlelight; what did you dream about last night?

i do not remember anything from last night - the last dream i remember involved my boyfriend, dad and i being lost up north lol

charming; have you ever been in love?

currently

cozy; eye/hair color?

hazel / brunette

cuddly; what’s your favorite time period?

the 1970′s for the fashion

cupcake; favorite flower/plant?

love me a good succulent

cute; what did you get on your last birthday?

well this last birthday was amidst quarantine, so I got some candles and granola (my boyfriend knows me well lol)

cutie pie; most precious item you own?

i have no idea? what an odd question? probably some stuffed animal?

cutsie; what makes you happy?

picnics, alone time, my boyfriend, my cat choosing to cuddle with me.

daisies; describe a moment when you felt free.

I really cant think of a time I've ever felt truly free. maybe when i drove myself to school earlier this year & didn't have to wait for someone to pick me up?

daydream; how do you want to be remembered?

as a light in others lives. happy, bubbly. things i currently am not

daylight; favorite album of all time?

gosh these dang music questions. well, Nickelback - All the Right Reasons was the first album i ever bought myself. then maybe Shinedown - The Sound of Madness (i cant pick one OKAY)

dear; zodiac sign?

Taurus

delightful; concerts or museums?

concerts

dimples; have you ever written a letter?

yes? this question makes me feel old, lol.

dobby; dream job?

criminologist. some way to be reducing the mass incarceration rate in the US.

doll; how do you like to dress?

comfy, v necks and leggings. As i have gotten older i have slowly wanted to be more feminine i think, because i really want some sundresses for summer lol

dovey; any paranormal/magical experiences?

one! when i was 12ish, i swear i saw a reflection of a uniformed man (like old school soldier uniform - blue blazer with gold cufflinks) behind me in the glass of my snakes tank at the time. it was weird because the only reason i even looked that way was because my snake started shaking his tail against the glass, something that corn snakes do when they are scared, but also something that in his entire life had never done unprompted ever.

dreams; do you want or have any tattoos?

want yes, have no

drizzle; do you believe in aliens?

100%. no way we are alone in this universe

euphoric; talk about someone you love.

he makes my days so much better :)

fairy; do you have a pet?

I have one little old kitty :)

fluffy; ocean or mountain?

to vacation, ocean. to live, mountain

forever; where do you feel time stop?

the secretary of state? lol

froglet; are you a good plant owner?

I've never owned a plant lol

garden; how many languages do you know?

one :(

gem; who are your favorite tumblrs?

@cy-ne-fin

giggles; what is your aesthetic of choice?

sepia photography/old books that have yellowed into sepia. or fresh greenery on white marble.

glittery; do you like anons? why/why not?

i don't really get any anymore, but as long as they are nice or just questions/venting, im down. don't be offended if i never answer though, for some reason i never get Tumblr notifications lol

glow; list the top 5 things you like about yourself

im compassionate

im empathetic (which is similar but im struggling to get to 5 lol)

im goal-oriented

im determined (once i have said goal. again, related lol)

i guess i like my lips/lip shape

heart; silk or lace?

lace

honey; coffee or tea? how do you take it?

tea. iced, black or green really, with sugar.

hugsy; do you enjoy people watching or bird watching more? why?

bird watching because it means i am probably alone and in nature as opposed to somewhere in a crowd of people. and i wont feel creepy for watching the birds lol

hunnybunch; what sounds help you sleep?

white noise, a fan running. if that's not enough, i enjoy asmr. if i am really struggling/having anxiety, i will look up sleep stories from the headspace app on youtube (life hack to not have to pay for the app lol)

jewel; what’s your favorite kind of weather?

to be outside, i enjoy just warm enough to be comfy in pants and a t-shirt (so like 65F-ish) and sunny.To be inside, i love when it is cooler (like 50F?) and raining. I love the look, sound, and smell of rain but it is usually just inconvenient to be in.

jiggly; what do you usually like to do on weekends?

well now all days are the same for me, #quarantine, so the same thing i do every day, just about nothing, lol

joy; do you laugh loudly or giggle more?

i guess laugh loudly because i am a loud person in general. i have a deep voice

kinky; do you blush easily?

i don't think so, my embarrassment turns into sweat, not blush, lmao

kisses; what romantic cliché do you wish for most?

i guess being proposed to someday? but i don't have a certain dream way of it happening, just the fact that its happening is enough for me lol. id enjoy if someone (cough Elle or also maybe Michael lol) were secretly filming and/or taking photos of it? I am not sure how you'd manage that though

kitty; what’s your favorite time of the day?

late at night when everything is quiet

ladybug; what’s your favorite artist to listen to when you’re sad?

old school three days grace (one-x album in particular)

love; what is your favorite season and why?

i always gravitate to fall for the leaves and pumpkin patches. but honestly, i think my favorite season is spring. i love the newly budding trees and flowers, the feeling of renewal, the release from the horrible Michigan winter lol, but most importantly, spring time for my whole life as of yet has always meant that school is over for the semester! as opposed to the fall when the semester starts. this is very long winded but spring final answer lol

lovey; what is your favorite flavor of macaron and ice cream?

I've never had a macaron and blue moon ice cream

magic; what are five flaws you have?

ooooo boy

im short tempered/angry too much

im unmotivated (which is confusing maybe because i said i am determined earlier. you see, once i HAVE a goal i feel determined to finish it. but i am unmotivated to create said goals, lol)

im nonconfrontational to a fault where i always put others’ feelings before my own

i let fear of change stop me from ever taking risks/ am anxious

i am stubborn and sometimes have a hard time admitting i am wrong

moonlight; do you prefer soft pastels, warm neutrals, or cool darks?

this depends - screw pastels. warm neutrals for makeup purposes, but cool darks for aesthetic or decor purposes

munchkin; what do you look for in your significant other?

someone who feels like home. I am not entirely sure how else to explain that. you just feel peace and content with them.

paddywack; how would you describe a perfect date?

something that allows you to only be with your date - so like a picnic or hike or just a walk even. my boyfriend and i liked to walk around in the fall for me to take pictures of leaves while he played pokemon go (man i miss the pokemon go summer and i have never even PLAYED it, it was just so fun to be with him while he played)

pebbles; how do you spend free time by yourself?

on youtube usually

precious; what is something valuable that you learned in your life?

The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. if your family is toxic for whatever reason, you do not owe them your time strictly because they are family.

pretty; do you like to cook or bake more?

cook, im not super into sweets & i want to enjoy the final product

prince; how would you describe your handwriting?

normal? like its legible but its not pretty or cute

princess; do you play any instruments? if not, are there any you wish you could play?

no:( wish i could play bass or drums

prinky; how do you relieve stress?

i don't :)

i really don't have an answer other than solving whatever is stressing me out, lol. i wish i had more mechanisms to calm me down but nothing i have tried has ever really worked

pumpkin; what is your favourite kind of fruit/vegetable?

you know these favorites questions are hard for me lol. right now, i am loving watermelon, but i also love most fruits. kiwis! vegetable, i feel like i have to say potato lol

rainbow; what was the last line of the last book you read?

lol the last thing i read had to be some academic text, so that's boring

roses; what is the most significant event in your life so far?

meeting Alex i guess, it changes my whole life path to have someone you want to do life with

smile; what is one thing that has greatly affected you?

quarantine? lol

shine; art or music?

music is art.

shimmer; do animals tend to like you?

i think so. Elle’s dog griffin loves me for some reason lol

smitten; do you collect anything?

not really

smoochies; how many pillows do you sleep with?

snuggle; what is your favourite candy?

jolly ranchers

snuggly; do you have a camera? if so, what kind?

nope

sparkle; do you wear jewelry?

nope

spooky; sunrise or sunset?

sunset

sprinkles; do you like to listen to music with headphones or no headphones?

headphones

starlight; what was your favourite show as a child?

Spongebob probably. unless we are talking like really tiny, toddler age, then Winnie the pooh

soft; describe your favourite spot in your house.

i live in a 2 bedroom apartment, there arent any spots. lol. my bed i guess

soothe; digital or vinyl?

i mean digital for convenience but vinyl for aesthetic

squeezed; who do you miss right now?

i mean the only person i really actively miss ever is Alex. @cy-ne-fin sometimes, but i have also grown used to living away from each other

sugary; what traits do you value most in friends?

loyalty, honesty, & humor

sunshine; do you prefer for things to be practical or aesthetically pleasing?

if i must pick, practical.

sweet; do you find it easy to open up?

absolutely not. i feel like a burden with my feelings even though i shouldn't

sweetie; do you like kids? if so, do you ever want to have any?

honestly not really. am on the fence still about ever having any

thimble; is there somebody you look up to? who are they?

not really

toot; what is something you find unique about yourself?

i am as average as they come man, nothing is unique about me lol

tootsie; what kind of friend are you?

like a background friend? like i am not very social, so we do not have to talk every day to be friends. so like im here if you need me, but i enjoy alone time.

treasure; what was something that made you smile today?

the way my boyfriend looks at me, & as i was working on this my cat came to cuddle, which i gave as an answer earlier before he jumped up here :)

velvet; are you an early bird or a night owl?

night owlllllll

whiffle; if you could have a magical power, what would it be?

the power to heal those who are hurting (including myself)

whimsical; do you prefer doing stuff at home or going out?

home home home home

whiskers; do you usually wear makeup?

not anymore, i did in high school/early college years. not I've stopped caring

wiggly; are you a messy or tidy person?

messy? kinda in the middle really.

wispy; do you like the place where you grew up? do you think you will live there when you get older?

my state, sure. my city in particular is definitely pretty boring

wobbly; have you ever wished upon a star?

I've never seen one :(

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kweebtrash · 5 years ago

Note

Idk if you’ve ever answered this, but I’m curious, why do you bias Johnny so hard? Messy actually made me start paying attention to Johnny more and I don’t regret it lol so thanks.

Ok so I have answered this before but I can't for the life of me find where I put it in my asks so I'll just rewrite my essay here. Bare with me it's long lmao. I remember I wrote about some physical stuff I like about him but let's take it from the top lmao.

SO I went to kcon ny 18 and I was a avid listener of NCT but I didn't really know any of the members by name or face or anything. And of course Johnny was one of the hosts because he speaks English and I was trying to find my bias and I thought maybe I would like taeyong (ppfffttt lmao) but my friends friend (who is a very toxic and gross and mean to other idols/groups) is a ty Stan and basically said "no he's mine. You can't have him. Go after Johnny or something." And I DEADASS SAID "NO HES UGLY"

Yah I thought my whole ass man was uglee 😂😂😂😂

So anyway I think around Sept or October my friend was really into NCT and was helping me to learn them and I don't remember what made me love Johnny so much specifically but it just kinda clicked.

So after that I just started biasing him so hard, he became my ult bias, and I flew all the way to Chicago for the concert just to see him cry.

So the reasons why I like him include:

Physical: BIG TOL BOIIIII. I have a thing for tol dumb goofy idiots with deep voices and big hands. A lot of my biases are like this lmao. But also BIG HANDS. His voice isn't super deep but I find it to be a nice tone in his own way. He has this cute overbite also?? Like idk why it's cute but I think it is and it makes him suck in air alot when he talks and it adds to his little lisp. (Don't @ me, I have an oral fixation ok) his smile is the cutest and makes me seo soft UM THOSE LIPS??? HI HELLO. His big ass broad shoulders??? HIS CUTE LIL PEACH BUTT??? THOSE THIGHS???? He competed with shownu on lipstick prince in a thigh separating contest and they tied one to one and shownu said it was kinda hard to beat him so this boy got STONK THIGHS. CHERRY BOMB EMO UNDERCUT JOHNNY BEING THE SUPERIOR JOHNNY??? His eyes are the most gorgeous things ever and he's made me fall in love with brown eyes. His hair always looks so floofy and soft. (Also we cannon him as having a big dick so)

Personality: A BIG ASS FUCKING AQUARIUS. so he's basically a big soft teddy bear thats extremely goofy and klutzy (which is also a majority of my biases). He puts his heart and soul into dancing on stage and masters choreography so damn well but when he dances on his own he's just...a white suburban dad trying to fit in with his teenage sons. It's soooooo bad. I am in a constant rotation of disappointment, second hand embarrassment, soft gushy lovey dovey feelings, and horniness when it comes to Johnny Suh. He's so awkward and weird like all the time and im just like WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS PLEASE STOP. He's the most extra person and can't do anything normally and with all of that he never fails to make me laugh. He's the biggest dork to exist. Also he has the best duality of man ever. On stage and in super modelesque pictures and some MVs he looks like a daddy that will tear your ass up in a heartbeat and other times he's just like (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*.✧ and the best uwu bean. He's literally so sweet and caring to people and so passionate about his hobbies (although he really like photography he's the worst fucking videographer ever and can't keep a camera still to save his life). He's a really great leader and his relationship with the others are so cute. Marks his brother, taeils his husband, Jae's his best friend, haechan and chenle are his sons, ten and ty have big ass gay love crushes on him (same sis). And it's all so precious. He's a big ass fucking Mama's boy and his relationship with his mom is the cutest thing ever. She loves her big ass baby so much and ME TOO MRS SUH ME TOO. He'd be the sweetest and dorkiest boyfriend ever and would always try and make you feel better when you're sad and make you laugh and give tons of hugs,kisses, and affection. And even tho us sluts categorize him as a big ass Dom he'd be really sweet in bed irl. He's just too much of a goofball to be any other way.

Career wise: well this one's hard because johfam suffer a lot when it comes to Johnny's talents. He's completely overlooked and forced to get one or two lines or some hype up chorus shit and it's really annoying but we find time to support him anyway. He has a really sweet soft voice and doesn't really have a big range like taeil but it's really nice none the less AND THEN THEY SLAP AUTOTUNE ON IT AND MAKE HIM SOUND FAKE. (See highway to heaven) he can play piano/keyboard and he's so good at it and I was at least happy that at their concert Johnny had a mini solo for the transition into regular where he got the spotlight and got to play the keyboard (cries forever). THEY DONT LET HIM DJ ANYMORE AND I DONT KNOW WHY HES SO CUTE WHEN HE DJS. BRING BACK DJ JOHNNY. Also he's supposed to be a rapper? Never raps? Supposed to be a lead dancer? Gets center for like 10 seconds. One day I hope he expands into other stuff though sm doesn't really let their idols do anything else (much). Like I think he'd make a good model. He knows how to take pics well. He walks well in heels believe it or not so maybe he won't completely fall on his face on the runway. Anyway let Johnny Suh have his moment to shine and showcase his talents bc sm thinks he ain't got any and wants him to suffer.

In summary he's just really sweet, kind, funny, and caring and hes talented but overlooked so we try and give him a lot of love and support.

Tl;Dr: Johnny's great. Stan Johnny.

#johnny suh #nct 127 #johnny nct #i love johnny #i have to tag this so i can find it later

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slothgiirl · 6 years ago

Text

Y/N and Harry are best friends

“Hey you,” you call out, arms outstretched towards your best friend, Harry, “long time no see!” It was ironic, you'd graduated uni and moved to london just as Harry went on his world tour.

He smiles widely, enveloping you in his arms, smelling of musk and dark florals and something warm that you couldn't name but always associated it with Harry. “Miss me much babe,” his eyes sparkling as he teased you easily, all these months meant nothing now that you were together again.

“You have no clue,” You answered honestly, “I had no one to bother late at night or eat my terrible bread creations.”

“It's a recipe,” he says with a shake of his head, swinging you both slightly, “I don't know how you can mess it up!”

“Whatever mr I can't park,” you snap back.

“At least I can drive.”

You both burst out laughing and he lets you go briefly before taking your arm in his, and leading you into the restaurant, both of you pretending not to notice the far off paps in the corner of the street. It came with the territory and the mad obsession the media has with your friend.

It was monday afternoon and you'd been looking to this for days when he told you he was flying back from japan, which sounded like a dream. You'd never been further than Scotland.

“Cebu is always so freaking good,” you tell him, taking a sip from your vodka cranberry, “but tell me more about japan! It looks so cool! I'd love to visit the Aniu or sleep in one of those cube hotels.”

Harry laughs, drinking from his own beer, “It was cool. I mean I sent you all those pics didn't I! It was good to get some downtime after the past year.”

“At least you make friends easily,” you say, scrunching your nose, “my first term at uni was so lonely, I don't know what I'd have done if I'd never met Julia.”

“You just have to talk to people I mean you wouldn't love you! I spilled coffee on you and you didn't completely hate me. That's best friend material.”

“Think that says more about you than it says about me,” you laugh. “Still Japan is much cooler that spending the workweek in a lab.” It had been cool at first, but the novelty of being out of school and getting paid and not having exams had worn off by now.

“You get to do crazy wacky science,” he teases, “how long until you’re an x man!”

“I'd rather be spider-man,” you tell him without missing a beat, “when the rami movies came out I spent a good few months looking for spiders in the garden to bite me.” It had been so dumb in retrospect but you'd always hoped one day you'd wake up with superpowers.

Harry roars with laughter, “how'd you get into Oxford again?”

“Don't be an ass,” you reply, “we can't all being amazingly talented singers.”

“You forgot the wildly attractive part,” he says with a smirk, leaning close to you.

Unable to help yourself, you snort, “there goes your giant head again!”

“Hey,” he protests, looking the very picture of offended. If you didn't know him any better, you'd think you'd gone too far. But there's a hint of smile pulling at the corner of his lips and you just laugh.

“My most sincerest apologies,” you respond a girl to match his on your own face. Harry has a way of just making you so freaking happy no matter what else is going on. There's never been a time in your friendship when talking to him hadn't made you feel better. “maybe bangs?”

He brings a hand up to his chest, mock offense written into his expressive features before his face lights up with glee. You know you're in for it now. “Oh where oh where has my baby gone,” he sings just loud enough to for you alone to hear.

“Stop,” you protest, flushing red and laughing, tears welling up in your eyes. You teared up easily when laughing. “Please the puppies are begging you to stop!”

Harry laughs, his gaze completely focused on you, “did you finish the art project you were working on then?”

Despite him being the only person you trusted with your super secret art projects, you still felt yourself blush, hand coming up to brush stray hairs back behind your ear, “the initial photography, but I’m still working through the editing. The ones I've finished are coming out almost the way I pictured them.”

“Almost?”

“Well things are never exactly how you imagine them are they,” you note, “or maybe I'm just overthinking things and have been working on them for too long.”

“You probably just need a pair of fresh eyes,” Harry says as they bring out your food. Their eggs in tomatoes looked deceptively simple and yet yours were never as good.

“Smooth,” you utter, grinning at him. “Do you hit up everyone's DMs like that?”

Harry shakes his head, “no but really baby, can I see what you have so far?” His lips are drawn earnestly.

You nod, “sure, we can make a movie night out of it too. I've been dying to try out this no bake chocolate cream pie.”

“Only if I get to pick the movie?”

“Deal.”

You slump on the cheap ikea couch you and your roommates had pooled cash together to buy once you get home, bag full of snacks.

“Tired,” Julia asks from the kitchen, shamelessly eating straight out of the pan.

“Yeah,” you tell her, “Arjun called in sick and since I'm the newest hires I got the short end of the stick and pulled a double shift.”

“Isn't work amazing,” Julia replies, bring the pan and an extra fork for you, settling down next to you. “My boss called me this morning at 6am and had me call a bunch of places in India to find some extra fabric for a client. I wasn't due til 9!”

“What an outrage,” I deadpan.

“Maybe we can still be witches in the midlands,” she offers, “or raise cows in the highlands.”

“God that's such a mood,” you sigh, taking the fork and eating her cheesy pasta dish. “I thought working in a lab would be nice and easy compared to school and it is but dealing with my boss and the hectic hours has left me with no social life.”

“Right! I've missed so many parties and good djs because I'm on call talking to far off places sourcing textiles! I just hope I get promoted so I can go on trip to source and not just spend all hours of the day being an errand girl.”

You nod, mouthful of pasta, “I heard hospital labs are pretty good but I've been told I need more experience.”

She laughs bitterly before gazing at your loot of snacks, “Harry coming over?”

“Yeah,” you reply, “we’re watching a movie and pigging out after a long ass week.” You has been looking forward to it all day despite how drained you were; to the bone, to the point coffee wasn't much help.

Opening snapchat you see harry's sent you a couple photos.

Him in a ruffled white shirt, loosely buttoned, caption reading in the mood for a period romance? ;))

The next was of him in a tastefully ripped shirt that probably cost more than your rent, and a worn flannel, or a rom com?

The there was Harry wearing an old dark knight shirt you'd gotten him for his birthday at a charity shop, or will we go full superhero landing!?!

Rolling your eyes and smiling your reply with a blurry selfy, the most dramatic frog to ever prince.

“God I can't wait til we're all sixty and you've both been married and divorced and finally get together,” she says teasingly, “or worse it's like you're both gotten together and your s.o’s are the third and fourth wheel!”

“Shut up,” you tell her, “we're literally the same. You spent most of fresher in my dorm once we met. You made me help shave your back.”

“That's friendship bitch,” Julia says with a laugh, “just keep in mind Imma be like dead to the world.”

“Wow,” you state, “you've come such a long way from being a complete party animal.”

“Right,” she mutters, “I miss drinking and showing up hungover to class.”

“It's all downhill from here,” you tease.

She swats your fork away from the pot, “what a depressing thought.”

Harry texts you to let you know he's here and you buzz him up, hugging him before saying, “i might have to steal this sweater from you.” It ridiculously soft the way only old sweaters are.

He laughs, “I brought a bottle of rose.”

“ooh let me try this knife trick i've been practicing,” you tell him as he kicks off his boots and settles in.

“Don't want to die today but thanks.”

“Harold,” you respond mock affronted. “So what movie have you chosen for us today art hoe?”

“You're the one who can quote the cool girl monologue by heart,” he retorts, grabbing the wine opener and starting on the cork. Unlike you, he managed it without cursing for half an hour and deciding boxed wine wasn't a bad idea.

“The movie harry,” you say, grabbing a couple of blankets and pillows for the couch along with your art journal.

“Searching,” he answers, “Sarah said it was really good and slept on.”

“And even if it's not there's always chips and hummus.”

“Very true,” Harry responds, pouring wine into mugs like a maniac and settling down next to you on the couch, his own worn journal in hand. “But it's Sarah and Mitch they have great taste in pretty much everything.”

“High praise coming from you,” you note palming through your journal, over the drawing and words you'd written down over the last few months.

He grins, looking perfectly at home in your modest flat. Harry has never been weird about being famous and rich and- it made it that much easier to be friends with him. To forget about all that and just be friends with Harry, not Harry styles. “It is ain't it,” he utters lips curled into a sinners smile, the kind he gave girls and boys when you went out to clubs.

“There goes your big head again,” you retort, putting your journal down and curling up with a handful of popcorn.

“Oi!” Harry furrows his brow staring you down for a second before launching himself at you, pinning you down and tickling your sides, “take it back!”

“Never,” you yelp, giggling madly, Your arms against his chest as you push him off easily. It's so easy to be comfortable with him, he's just such a hugger and you can't say you don't like it, the warmth and security you feel.

He laughs, “so long as you let me see your journal baby,” is his only response, chest still shaking from laughter.

“I'll show you mine if you show me yours,” you respond jokingly. The sense of humor middle schoolers had still there in your head.

“Deal,” he replies, shifting so his head is resting in your lap, passing you his own journal before grabbing yours off the coffee table. You'd never felt as grown up as you did when buying a coffee table, even more so than buying pans and dishes instead of eating everything out of a mug.

Mindlessly, your fingers run through his hair, soft and silky and starting to curl up behind his ears. You wonder if he'll let it grow out again. You prefer him like this but it was fun to braid his strands of hair.

His journal is more full of words than drawings, in his sloppy scrawl, like in old letters. Leather bound parchment, it's tons nicer than your own moleskine you'd gotten on sale, with the true victorian era feel you'd been obsessed with in your younger years.

There's a dreamy quality to the writing, fragmented thoughts that he trusts you with.

The tv plays quietly in the background, you’re too immersed to say anything, to break the comfortable silence with any words, occasionally reaching for a chip, smothering it in hummus.

In the beginning, when Harry had first crashed at your small cramped flat at uni, he'd drunkenly looked through your journal, well one of your journals, covered in all your loose thoughts and many many drawings and sketches, ideas for pieces that you'd spend what little free time you had doing.

You'd gotten annoyed and a little mad, because your journal was private and personal and who did you think you were? Frida Kahlo? It wasn't like he'd meant to, drunk and a little high. It wasn't one of your best moments but he'd bought you a cuppa tea the next morning before you'd woken up and let you flip through his own journal, just to make it up to you.

That's how he'd become the person you trusted to show your art to.

“Don't laugh at my sad attempts at poetry,” he mutters, his gaze meeting yours somewhat self consciously. His cheeks are flushed red but you can't tell if it's from laughing or because he's actually embarrassed.

“Trying to be just like Bukowski,” you tease. You'd never actually read anything by him, you just read about him being kind of an asshole in real life.

He rolls his eyes at you, “ever since you sent me that song I can't think about him the same!”

“I just thought you'd want to know. That song is such a depression mood though.”

Harry grows serious, looking up at you. Your hand stills in his hair. “Are you alright?”

You nod, “yeah I'm fine I was just joking.” It's true. You haven't felt depressed in months, haven't been bad in longer. Progress.

“You'd tell me if-”

“Oh course,” you cut him off with a smile, closing his journal. “Want to see how my latest and greatest projects progressing?”

He smiles softly, “why else do you think I'm here for?”

You smack him lightly with his own journal, getting up and getting your laptop. This latest idea of yours has come at the cost of having to learn to use digital editing. Thank god for youtube.

Harry sits up and watches as your scroll through some of the more finished pictures of both women and men you'd reached out to, dragging Julia with you to feel braver about approaching strangers. Something you wouldn't have done a year ago.

Their pictures have been edited to exaggerate their insecurity, ranging from overly larger noses to small eyes and thin lips. It had been an idea since you'd read about Jacqueline de Ribes who someone had said how sad it was if you didn't have a great big nose like she had.

“Especially in this era of face tuning and filters and contouring where everyone is trying to hide what they feel insecure about,” you tell him, watching the shift of his lips, his pensive gaze, trying to gage his reaction. No one but you has seen these. Although when you’re done they'll also be sent to your models, who'd been nice enough to open up about their insecurities to you. Maybe it was easier to talk to strangers you'd never see again about these things. Wasn't that the whole idea behind therapy?

“At first I only edited it slightly but I didn't think the idea came across as strongly and in your face. I mean maybe by airing out and owning our insecurities we can overcome them? Or maybe just stop idealizing one specific type of feature?” These were the questions that you thought would be answered by doing this, but there didn't seem to be any easy answers.

“I like them,” he tells you, “It's like things you wouldn't have noticed I mean most people are alright looking and then you actually get to know them and it all warps how you see people. Like gee doesn't Tom look like such an bloody asshole.”

You snort, shaking your head, “you had me in the first half I'm not going to lie.”

After that you both mess about, putting on parks and recs for the hundredth time, skipping to the second season when Ben and Chris come in. It's still as funny as the first time you had watched it.

It's late and your both half asleep on the couch and smiling at the tv, legs bumping against Harry's much longer legs.

“I should probably go,” he mutters.

“No stay,” you tell him, “it's late and you can just crash with me.” You’d both slept in the same bed lots of times by now, the initial awkwardness long gone as you stopped to you underwear and an old t shirt that was long enough to pass for a dress.

“Should I be worried about your alarm?”

“I can actually wake up even if my alarms just on vibrate,” you let him know, because god you wish you didn't have work tomorrow so you could wake up late and go get overly expensive breakfast at the dinner down the street who made the fluffiest american style pancakes. It was a treat you loved to get yourself.

Harry helps you drag some of the blankets into your room, tossing them onto the bed. You curl up next to the wall, nestling into the covers. From the corner of your eye you watch Harry pull his shirt off before kicking off his jeans, ripped at the knees.

He's fit and you can't help but mentally trace over the butterfly he has tattooed that you thought stupid at first but had grown on you. Gracelessly he flops onto the bed, sliding under the covers.

“Your feet are always freezing,” he complains which just makes you kick him lightly. “Ow! Woman!”

“Shut up and sleep,” you tell him turning over on your side, curling into near fetal position.

“But what about going on my phone for an hour in bed?”

“Good night harold,” you say in lieu of an actual reply.

“I won't let the bed bugs bite you.”

“Your so dumb,” you whisper fondly, closing your eyes and easily falling asleep after a long day.

#harry styles #harry styles imagine #harry styles x reader #will be part one of more and eventual romance if i can mkae myself write #*youtuber voice* let me know what you guys think in the comments

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you-a-southpaw-doll · 6 years ago

Text

Graduation ~ A Negan!AU One-Shot

Summary: It’s graduation day for Negan...but the one person, Leigh, that he wants to be there. Or is she? He thinks she’s overseas, serving in the United States Navy, but little does he know, she has a surprise for him for graduation.

Warning(s): Fluff. Language. Angst. Explicit Smut - masturbation - male, oral - female receiving.

Word Count: 8,014.

Author’s Note(s): This is set from Negan’s point-of-view. It is also for the Reader too, but the Reader’s name in this story is Leigh. @mychemicalimagines and I tag-teamed this story over Christmas break.

Relationship(s): Negan x Leigh [Reader] (boyfriend/girlfriend)

Characters: Negan. Leigh (OFC). Reader.

Taglist: @negans-network @thamberlina @prettyboynegan @mychemicalimagines

Story Time:

Negan’s Point of View

“Class dismissed! It’s great to say that for the last time.” My college professor says, closing his book. “Have a great Graduation tomorrow!”

He’s still talking, but I ignore him as I jump out of my seat, and run out of the classroom. Today is Thursday which means I get to see you, my beautiful fuckin’ girl, Leigh. We’ve been dating for almost nine years. We met for the first time way back in fuckin’ sixth grade, and by time eighth grade came ‘round, I knew I was in love with you.

I finally got the fuckin’ courage to ask you out. When you said yes, I knew I was a fuckin’ goner. After high school. You encouraged me to go to college, and I did, on a baseball scholarship. You decided to join the United States Navy since you’d always dreamt ‘bout being a Navy SEAL, since you were five years old.

I encouraged you, kept you motivated throughout your basic training, and now, here we are. Nearly nine years of being together. You coming up for re-enlistment, and me ‘bout to graduate fuckin’ college with two degrees - one in history and another in business.

You've been deployed in another country overseas for the last seven months so I haven’t seen you in a hot minute. It fuckin’ hurts that I can’t see you every day. We used to see each other every damn day in middle school and high school, but since then it’s been a wee bit hard to see one another every day.

That’s why I love our one day a week where I can talk to you for a few hours. I’m pushing through all the other classmates, trying to get to my dorm so I can answer your first video message. If you miss the first call then there’s a chance you might not be able to call again.

I had to miss last week’s call because of the stupid, fuckin’ finals we had in the class beforehand. I make it to my dorm room and I push open the door. The door flings open so hard that it hits the wall. I slam it behind me. I run over to my laptop and start it up.

My legs start bouncing, waiting for the screen to start loading. When I finally get the laptop up and running, I quickly log in to Skype. I see the little green dot next to your military account. I notice that you didn’t call yet so I didn’t fuckin’ miss it.

Thank god!

Suddenly, my computer starts to ding and your military photo pops up. I quickly fix my appearance and push accept on the computer. Your beautiful face appears on the screen. You have the biggest smile on.

“Hey, doll.” I say, smiling at you.

“Hey, sweetie. I missed you so much.” You say, as your eyes start filling up with tears.

“I missed you so fuckin’ much too, baby.” My smile never falters.

“Today was your last day right? Graduation is next week?” You ask me, wiping the few tears.

“No, they fuckin’ changed it to tomorrow.” I answer, putting my head down a little.

“What?!? I got my leave approved for next week!” You say, as your eyes widen.

“I know, sweetheart.”

“So I can’t even see you graduate!” You say, putting your hand in your hair.

Your hair’s finally down. The only time you’re allowed to put your hair down is off hours but usually, you keep it up in the tight bun that the military requires. I love when your hair’s down and free. It’s always so soft.

“Don’t fuckin’ worry about it, doll, we can celebrate when you get home,” I smile through the computer at you.

You frown, “But, Negan-“

“No buts, Le. I’ll be fuckin’ fine as long as I get to see your sexy ass next week” I smirk at you. “I’m a big boy.”

“Yes. Yes you are,” You smirk right back.

We talk for another half hour until you have to get off. This is always my least favorite part. I fuckin’ hate saying goodbye.

“I’ll see you next week, doll. You’ll finally be able to see the house I got us.” I say, smiling, thinking about the house we saved up for three years to pay for.

You gave me specific things you wanted in a house and I wrote them down. I went to 4 houses before I found one that had everything you wanted in it. I can already tell this house will be one we stay in until we're old and grey. The beautiful house has 4 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, a huge space you can use as a studio for your photography.

I know how badly you want a space that you can use for your photos. In that studio, there’re some wooden shelves for books so we can also use it as alibrary, since we’re both always fuckin’ reading. I even made sure that in that room, there is the window seat you’ve been begging me to find.

It looks out over a huge bay window at this fuckin’ amazing view of the lake behind the house that has a willow tree resting at the top of a small hill. I can just picture the two of us out there, cuddling and reading under that tree. Or, us chasing little kids ‘round.

This was the kinda house I’d always dreamed ‘bout having one day, and I know you do too.

“I’m not gonna tell you much ‘bout the house, babe, but I will tell you ‘bout this amazin’ fuckin’ view. Outta this huge window, you can see the lake. It’s so fuckin’ pretty - not as beautiful as you, but still pretty. It even has a willow tree where we can sit under and cuddle.” As I tell you this, your eyes light up.

The smile on your face just makes my heart swell. I love seeing your beautiful fuckin’ smile, and I’d do anything and every-fuckin’-thing I could to make sure that you always smile at least three times a day. I wish you could have seen the house before I put down the down payment on it.

But, I know you’d love it. It’s what you’ve always wanted in a house. It really is fuckin’ perfect for us. After a few seconds of thinking ‘bout the house, I notice your smile gets smaller and smaller until it actually drops. My heart suddenly cracks at the sight of you frowning.

I have always, and will always, hated the sight of you being even the littlest bit sad.

“What’s wrong, baby?” I ask, looking confused into the laptop camera.

“I’ve gotta go...” You whisper back to me.

“Don’t worry, sweetheart. As I’ve said you’ll be back here in a fuckin’ week, and I’ve already got a huge plan waitin’ here for you,” I say, winking at you.

“Bye, babe. Don’t forget what airport I’ll be at.” You say, smiling brightly at me, thinking about my plan.

“I would never forget that, babygirl. See you later,” I kiss the tips of my fingers and put them toward the camera on my laptop.

You wink and kiss your fingers doing the same thing. When the screen goes black I stare at my reflection, my smile fading quickly. I now have to wait another week before I get to see your face, but at least this time it will be in person. I hesitate, but finally close my laptop.

I lean back in my seat, bringing my hands up to cover my face. Letting out a deep sigh, I run my hand over my slight five o’clock shadow. I can’t believe I’m fuckin’ graduating tomorrow. I was planning on it being next week, which is what you were planning on too.

But, the college had to go and fuck everything up by moving the graduation date up a week earlier. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to finally get the hell outta here and get a start on my future. The future I see with you. But, at the same time, since the date’s been moved, it means you won’t be there at my graduation.

And, we were both looking forward to you being there. You’ve told me, countless times, how proud of me you are. For sticking with the whole fuckin’ schooling thing, and whatnot. But...since you won’t able to be there tomorrow, I ain’t got no one else who will be.

I ain’t got any family left.

Ma died when I was ten years old, from a drug overdose. Since my old man was never ‘round, and I had no other kin, I was put into the United States government’s care. I bounced ‘round from foster home to foster home until I finally aged out of the system.

I was a hellyun, growing up.

Until I met you.

You changed that ‘bout me. Made me see the good in life. Made me realize that maybe there was something to this whole living thing. That’s why last month I began to think about making you mine, officially. I was at the mall and passed by this really fuckin’ expensive ring store.

I just went inside to look around, get some kind of idea of a present to give you when you came home. Passing by this counter something caught my eye. After taking a look inside at the rings, I found this beautiful fuckin’ engagement ring, the diamond was huge.

It wasn’t flashy and gaudy like other rings in this store. It was just the right size for you. It was simple, yet stunning, perfect for a simple, but oh-so-fuckin’ beautiful girl. I could already picture this ring being on your small finger. I checked the price, and holy-fuckin’-shit was it super expensive, but it will be worth it, seeing the smile on your face.

I take another look at my closed laptop and sigh. The next week will kill me but I can do it. I stand up out of my computer chair and take a look around my room. It’s pretty much already packed up except for my computer stuff and some of my clothes.

My graduation gown and cap is hanging up on the backside of my door, with my Phi Theta Kappa cords hanging with them. I grab my last pair of pajama bottoms and walk toward the bathroom connected to my dorm room. I put my clothes down on the sink and turn the water on in the shower.

After testing for the right temperature, I quickly undress. I step into the shower and put my head under the water. The hot water feels amazing against my cold skin. I lean my head against the wall, just letting the water fall all around me. Tomorrow is going to be the best and worst day ever.

Best because I’m finally getting out of this fuckin’ hell hole, but worst because I don’t have you, my personal fuckin’ cheerleader, cheering me on as I get the diploma put into my hand. After letting the water fall around me for a few minutes, I finally bring my head up off the wall and grab a wash rag and my body wash.

I wash the more important parts of my body and grab my shampoo/conditioner combo and wash my hair. It’s getting too long for my liking but you always say you love when my hair gets longer. I rinse my hair and decide I’ve spent too much time in here.

I turn off the water and grab the towel I have hanging on the wall beside the shower. I wrap it around my waist and step out, looking into the mirror. I rub my stubbly chin, turning my head side to side. You’ve said before you love when I grow out my beard, but should I shave for graduation?

Fuck it. I’m leaving it to grow for when you come next week. I quickly dry off and put on my pjs, hanging up the towel again. I leave the bathroom, turning both the bathroom and bedroom lights off. I grab my phone from my side table as I just flop onto my bed.

I push the power button on the phone, a picture from Halloween last year popping up on my screen. Wanting to feel like kids again, you made me dress up as a fuckin’ vampire, while you were a witch. We have huge fuckin’ smiles on our faces as your mother took the photo.

I remember when she took that photo. I’d just put the vampire teeth in after they fell out for the hundredth time, when she said ‘Smile!’. We both looked up and saw her camera and couldn’t help but laugh. When we first started dating, you made me meet your parents since we were really young and couldn’t do much alone yet.

From that day on, they’ve treated me like one of the family. Always making sure I had something to eat before I went home. Got me Christmas presents our first Christmas together. Even let me sleep over a couple of times when it got super cold out. In separate rooms, of course.

I unlock my phone and go straight to my photo app. Before you left, you made an album of just pictures of us. Scrolling through I find a photo from our 7th anniversary. We went to the beach for the weekend and you wanted to go straight to the water as soon as we got there.

I didn’t mind. I just wanted to see the smile on your face. When we got to the beach, you ran straight to the water. Standing at the edge, you stared toward the never-ending water toward the setting sun. Water washing over your ankles, you glanced over your shoulder at me.

That just so happened to be the exact moment I decided to take the photo. It was breathtaking then, just as it is at this exact moment I’m lookin’ at it now. I keep scrolling through the photos, laughing at all the dumb ones you’ve taken over the years.

Smirking at all the sexy photos I’ve taken behind your back, but there is one photo that really caught my eye. Toward the end of the album, there’s a photo I have never seen before. It looks like it was taken the day you left for deployment.

I can see the airport in the background so that could have been the only day it was taken. I’m standing in front of you while you’re wearing your uniform, and since I’m so much taller than you, I’m looking right down at you. Your hair is up in its bun and my hands are on your cheeks.

I can tell I’m wiping away the tears that wouldn’t stop falling that day. We’re looking directly into each others eyes. From the angle of the photo, I can see the love that was in your eyes that day. I remember whispering ‘I love you. I fuckin’ promise I’ll be right here waiting for you.

Nothing will fuckin’ stop me.’ I leaned down and softly kissed your lips. I never wanted to let you go but I knew that day I had to. I wrapped my arms around you and held you to my chest as your plane was called over the intercom. You looked up at me and whispered, ‘I’ll see you soon.’

You said that every time and it was never soon enough. I kissed you again and you had to walk away from me. I watched you go and I never left that spot until you were fully out of my sight. That’s when I walked out. I sigh to myself. Your mom must have taken that photo because I found my phone in my car after I dropped her off.

I look through the album once more before my eyes get too heavy for me to keep open. I stare at that photo once more as I fall into a deep sleep.

I wake up to the double vibration of my phone letting me know that I have a text message. With my eyes still shut, I reach ‘round for my phone. The moment my fingers curl ‘round the edges of the small device, I pull it towards me. I roll over onto my left side and crack one eye open.

The notification that I see first makes my heart beat ten times faster, and I quickly rub the sleep outta my eyes. I sit up on the small, twin-sized, college issued mattress and prop myself up against the wall. Letting my finger hover over the notification for a moment, I finally swipe to the right to open it.

It pauses for a moment, and I press my thumb against the home button, so that it can recognize my thumbprint and unlock my phone. The moment it does, the app opens, and I can’t help but smile when I see the message.

“Good mornin’, honey. I can’t talk long, but I just wanted to say that I’m super proud of you. Today’s gonna be great. Even though I’m not able to be there, I’m still there with you, babe. I’m always with you. I can’t wait to see you next week. Then! You can show me your degrees! Both of ‘em! Alright. I’ve got to go now. I love you, Negan. See you soon, honey.”

A tear or two falls down my face and catches in the scruff lining my chin. I reread your message to me. I had downloaded the Skype app on my phone during your last deployment. I realized that sometimes you’d be able to send me a text, and I didn’t want to miss it, in case I didn’t have my laptop on me, so I downloaded the app.

Seeing that you’re still active on Skype, I quickly type out a quick text to you.

“I love you too, sweetheart. I can’t wait to fuckin’ see you. Please be careful and come home to me, safe and sound. I know you’re always with me. But, just know that as soon as I fuckin’ see you again, I’m pullin’ you into my arms and not lettin’ you fuckin’ go for a long time.”

My heart swells as I see the three little dots bounce on your side to show that you’re typing something. I wasn’t expecting you to reply to me.

“I’ll be counting on it, Negan. ;) And, I’ll always come home to you. Now, go get ready for graduation. And, send me a photo of you all dressed up in your cap and gown, yeah? I wanna see.”

I chuckle. “Yes, ma’am!”

I send a kissy face emoji to you before I hop outta bed. I strip down to nothing, as I walk over to my duffle bag that has a few clothes in it, since everything else is already packed up. I grab a clean pair of boxers, put ‘em on, and then walk over to where I have my outfit hanging up for today.

Before I get dressed through, I decide to go ahead and brush my teeth. While I’m doing that, I hear my phone start chiming with the signature Skype ringtone. I rush outta the bathroom, toothbrush still in my mouth, and paste on my lips. I scoop my phone up, and swipe the notification to the right, to open it, without really reading it.

A moment later, your face appears on my phone. My mouth drops, making my toothbrush wobble, which has you giggling. I hurry back into the bathroom to spit out the toothpaste in my mouth. I glance at my phone. You have your camera close to your face so I can’t see your background, but that’s ok.

“Baby?” I ask, quietly. “What are you doin’? I thought you had to go?”

You tilt your head to the side in a mini shrug. “I managed to snag a few minutes away from everythin’, and I really wanted to see you today.”

I smile. “Well, I’m glad you called. Although, I’m getting dressed. You mind fuckin’ watchin’ and talkin’ to me while I get ready?”

You giggle. “I don’t mind one bit. What do you have on already?”

I pull the phone away from the area of my face and tilt it down so you can see what I have on, which is just a pair of boxers.

“Damn. I’m really glad I called.” I hear you say.

I chuckle. “Me fuckin’ too, sweetheart.”

I place the phone on the bathroom counter, propping it up so that I can still see you and you can see me while I get dressed. I go to pick my toothbrush up to finish brushing my teeth when I hear you say something.

“Either you just woke up, and that’s just your mornin’ wood, honey. Or, you really are excited that I called.”

I laugh and glance at you. “I did just wake up, and that is my mornin’ wood. But, trust me, I’m really fuckin’ excited that you called.”

You blush. “You gonna be that excited when I see you?”

I nod. “Hell, I’ll probably be more excited and bust a nut. You know how to get me worked up. Speaking of which, I gotta fuckin’ take care of this, doll.”

“Can I watch?”

I take a deep breath in. “Well, shit, sweetheart. I ain’t one to deny you. You know that. You really wanna watch?”

You nod, biting your bottom lip in that way you know gets me all hot and fuckin’ bothered. I drop my toothbrush on the counter, and settle down on the edge of the tub. I got lucky, being an RA for my dorm, that I got hooked up with a good room that had an attached bathroom with a tub.

I get my phone propped up on the toilet seat and tug my boxers down to my ankles. I keep my eyes on you as I curl my fingers ‘round myself. With you watching, and me thinking ‘bout all the things we’re gonna do when you get back, I jerk myself off.

You can tell I’m getting close, ‘cause you make a little sound low in your throat that has me tugging harder.

“Cum, babe. Cum for me.” You whisper.

At your words, I do exactly as you ask. I shoot my load all over the bathroom floor, letting out a deep groan in the process. My body shakes as my orgasm tears through me. I have to grip the edge of the tub tightly so that I don’t fall. When my orgasm finally subsides, I glance at you, still on my phone, with my eyes drooping.

“Damn. I’ve missed seeing that.” You murmur. “That was hot as shit.”

I chuckle. “Yeah, well. You’re hot as shit.”

You blush. “You gonna do that again for me in person?”

I nod. “Mmhhmm. If you want.”

“Hell yes.”

I chuckle. “Alright. Let me clean up the mess you made me make real quick.”

You laugh. “Ok.”

I clean up the remnants of my orgasm. Once that’s done, I pull my boxers back up to my hips. I finish brushing my teeth and then grab my outfit for today. You stay on the phone with me as I get dressed. I put on a pair of nice blue jeans, and a black button up shirt.

I roll the sleeves up to my elbows. I roll ‘em in the same way you have to roll your sleeves for your military uniform. After you taught me the way to do that, I liked it, so I started rolling my sleeves in that same manner. Once the shirt’s buttoned, I tuck it into my pants.

I button those, zip ‘em up, and tighten my belt ‘round my waist. I loop my dark, heather grey tie, the one you got me a couple years ago, ‘round my neck and tie it properly. I fix the collar of my shirt before reaching for the light grey vest and putting it on.

After it’s buttoned, I fix my hair. Normally, I’d go with bed head, but I’ve got you watching me at the moment, and it is graduation, so I wanna look kinda good. I run my fingers through my hair, making it look a little messy, but it’s a neat messy.

I grab my chapstick and apply some to my lips. They’ve been really chapped here lately, and I don’t want ‘em to be all cracked and whatnot when I can finally kiss you again.

“Damn, honey. You sure do clean up nice!” You say.

I chuckle. “Thanks, sweetheart. I’m probably gonna wait and put my cap and gown on till I get over to the auditorium.”

“Oh. Well...you think you could put it on for me real quick? Just so I can see?”

I smile. “Anythin’ for you, doll. Any-fuckin’-thin’ for you.”

I do as you want, and once I’ve got the cap and gown on, you smile.

“There’s my man.” You say.

I pick the phone up, blushing slightly, and hold it so that you can see my face.

“Negan, I really am fuckin’ proud of you.” You say, your voice full of pride and love. “And, I know you said you didn’t want any gifts or anything for graduating, but I’ve got somethin’ for you. You’ll get it later. After the ceremony. Ok?”

“Yes, ma’am. But, all I want is you.” I mumble.

“I know, honey. And, you’ll have me soon ‘nough. I promise.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

You give me a small smile. “I’ve got to go now, ok? But, you go out there, and you show ‘em who’s fuckin’ boss. Alright? Do that for me, yeah?”

I nod. “Yes, ma’am.”

“I love you, Negan Alexander Morgan.”

I blush at your use of my full name. “And I love you too, sweetheart. So fuckin’ much.”

You blow me a kiss and I repeat your actions. We say our goodbyes and I lock my phone, setting it on the counter. I place both my palms against the smooth surface, and try hard not to let the tears fall. I gotta be strong. I’ll be seeing you soon.

I just gotta make it a few more days.

“Negan Alexander Morgan. Bachelor of Arts in Business. Bachelor of Arts in History. Magna Cum Laude. Phi Thetta Kappa.”

As soon as the Dean of the college calls my name, I take a few steps across the stage towards him. Just as I thought, only a few people started clapping for me. Since no one was here to watch me graduate, no one was obligated to clap. The stupid fuckin’ college just had to change the graduation date.

He hands me my diplomas; I grab it using my left hand like I was taught at our graduation meeting last week. I put my right hand out for the handshake I have to do with the Dean but he doesn’t grab my hand. I give him a confused look when his right hand goes up and points in a different direction than he did for everyone in front of me.

I look over in that direction to see something I never thought was possible. In the back of the stadium, I see a familiar Dark Blue color standing out from the rest of the students, who are wearing black and orange. I take a quick glance at the Dean.

He’s smiling at me and nods toward the direction he pointed at. I slowly walk off the stage and towards that direction. Along with the dark blue Cracker Jacks, I see long beautiful brown hair that I would recognize anywhere.

“Le?” I whisper to myself trying to get a closer look at the figure.

The figure starts walking toward me and I knew in that moment, my love has come home.

“Leigh!” I yell, running in your direction.

We meet halfway down the aisle and I drop my diplomas, wrapping my arms around your waist lifting you in the air. In the background, I can hear everyone clapping but that is the last thing on my mind. I push my face into your neck as I feel a few tears escaping my eyes.

I feel your arms go around my neck, knocking my cap off my head so it hits the ground with a tiny thud. Your legs wrap around my waist and I use one of my hands to steady you, putting it under your ass. I feel my neck get a little wet. Probably from the tears coming from your eyes, like they’re still coming from mine.

“I missed you so fuckin’ much,” I whisper into your neck, using my other hand to put in your hair.

Your cover falls off as well and I run my fingers through your hair. You pull your head up from my neck and press your lips against mine in a hard kiss.

“Leigh Marie Summers, Chief Petty Officer for the United States Navy, surprising Mr. Negan Morgan after seven months overseas,” The Dean says into his microphone.

I gently put your feet onto the ground and pull you even closer than you were before, if that is even possible. I pull away from the kiss and look deeply into your eyes.

“Surprise,” You whisper, smiling widely.

“You already knew,” I whisper smirking down at you.

“Of course I did, I had a little help.” You say looking over my shoulder at the Dean.

I turn my head and glance at him. He’s just grinning from ear to ear. He nods his head at us, and I can’t help but smile. He helped bring you home to me, and on today of all days. I look back at you.

“When’d you get in?” I ask.

You smirk. “Last night.”

“Last night?! And you didn’t fuckin’ come see me?”

You giggle. “Nope. I wanted to surprise you. I promised you that I’d be here to see you walk across the stage. The Dean called me two days ago and told me that the date had been changed, and offered to help me in anyway he could to make sure I made it here to see you graduate.”

“You certainly surprised me.” I grin, as another thought crosses my mind. “Wait. That’s why you fuckin’ called me this morning, isn’t it? You were already stateside?”

You blush. “Mmhhmm.”

“Well, then, where the hell were you when I gave you that special fuckin’ show?”

You giggle. “I was in our bedroom in our apartment.”

I smile. “That’s why you kept the phone close to your face. You knew I’d recognize our own damn bedroom.”

You nod. “Yep!”

I chuckle. Yes, I live on campus since I’m an RA, but you and I also have our own apartment off campus. When you’re home from deployment, you stay there, and I stay there with you on the nights that I don’t have to be on duty as an RA.

“Please give a round of applause for Leigh Summers, who successfully got her squad safe from active fire and back home where they belong.” The Dean says over the intercom.

I step back a little and look around the room. Everyone is standing up, clapping their hands. I look down at the ground and pick up your Navy issued cap. I step back and put it on your head the way that you taught me to do it, stepping back once more, clapping along with everyone else.

You stand up straight, putting your hands to your sides. You bring your right hand up and salute everyone in the stadium, bring your hand back down to your side. I step closer and kiss your lips once again.

“I’ll see you in a second, doll.” I whisper to you.

You nod and turn around, going to a seat. One of the gentlemen sitting in the front row stops you and offers you his seat. You smile at him and shake his hand, sitting down in said seat. I lean down and pick up my diplomas and my graduation cap and go to the Dean.

He looks at me confused but I put my hand out to shake his hand. He smiles a little bit and shakes it. I walk back to my seat, putting my cap on my head. I smile to myself and look over my shoulder. You wink at me and I grin. I turn back toward the front.

I fuckin’ can’t believe you surprised me today. I never thought in a million years that you would come surprise me during graduation. My day has gotten even better, now that I know you’re home safe and with me. Since I was closer to the back of the line, there weren’t many more people behind me.

After about twenty minutes of sitting in these uncomfortable chairs, the last person sits down in their chair.

“Now everyone, please move your tassel to the left side of your cap,” Everyone does so, “Now I want to congratulate everyone who has graduated today. Please stand up and give a round of applause to the Class of 2005!”

Everyone starts clapping and everyone, including me, cheers and throws our caps into the air. When they all fall back down, I hurry and grab mine. I turn quickly and look for you. I see you standing up at the chair you were offered. I walk quickly over to you, wrapping my arms around you once again, pulling you close

“Come on, Graduate. Let’s go get your stuff so we can go home.” You say into my ear.

I nod and I grab your hand, walking out of the stadium toward my dorm room. Along the way, a man walks up to us.

“Excuse me, ma’am.” We both turn to the gentleman. “I just want to say thank you so much for your service to this country.” He puts out his hand.

You just smile and shake his hand, “No thank you is needed, sir. I’m happy to do it.”

Suddenly a group of people walk over to us and start shaking your hand. I notice out of the corner of my eye, a guy I had Algebra with in high school, Rick Grimes. He walks over to us.

“Hello, Negan.” He says.

“Rick,” I say nodding toward him.

“I see you and Le are still together,” He says nodding toward you.

I nod and smirk, “Almost nine years. Whatcha doing here?”

“I’m here to watch Shane graduate today too.”

“Oh, that’s right, Walsh? Right?”

“That’s right,” He says as a little boy runs up to him. A woman following right behind.

“Daddy, I said hi to that nice Navy lady.” The boy says making Rick smile. “She let me take a photo with her! I want to be just like her!”

“Carl, Lori this is Negan. Le and him went to school with me.”

“Hi, Mr. Negan,” ‘Carl’ puts his hand out to me. “My names Carl and I’m 4,” He says putting 4 fingers up on his other hand. Lori just nods.

“Hi, Carl. It’s nice to meet you,” I say shaking his tiny hand.

You walk up and smile, “Hi, Rick. Hi again, Carl.”

You completely look past Rick’s wife.

Rick nods to her and looks back at me, “Nice to see you again.”

“You too,” I say grabbing your hand and we walk back toward my dorm.

When we finally make it there without any interruptions, you glance around the room. You walk to the boxes I have in the room, taking a quick peek. I start packing up the very last of my stuff.

“Hey, baby?” You ask after a few seconds.

I look over. “Mmmhmm?”

“Can I change? This uniform gets really hot.”

I bite my bottom lip as I look you up and down. When my eyes meet yours, a smirk spreads ‘cross my face. You raise an eyebrow at me, lifting your cover off your head, and setting it on the bed.

“What?” You ask.

“Honey, of course your uniform gets really hot. That’s ‘cause you’re wearing it. And, you, sweetheart, you are fuckin’ smokin’ hot.” I say.

You blush. “Oh hush.”

I stop packing and make my way over to you. I place both my hands on your hips and lean down to kiss you.

“I’m only speakin’ the fuckin’ truth, doll.” I murmur against your lips.

“You’re a smooth talker, honey.” You tease.

“You know you love me.”

“Damn straight I do.”

I grin, and help you take your uniform shirt off. I remind myself that I can’t be too rough in taking it off of you. All I wanna do is take your clothes off you, and make sweet love to you. I wanna take my time with you for at least the first time since it’s been so long.

Once I have your uniform shirt off, I drape it over the edge of my bed. I turn back to you to see you lifting your white undershirt off. I go to say something, but the words get caught in my throat at the sight of you. You tug the shirt off and toss it on the bed.

I let my eyes rake over your torso, from your belly button up to your collarbone. My gaze stops right above your heart. I take a step closer to you, and gently shove your bra strap to the side, and tug down the cup of the bra. I run my fingers over the skin there, tracing the design of the hammerhead shark you have inked in there.

I lift my eyes up to look at you, keeping my fingers roaming over the ink.

“When’d you get this?” I ask, quietly.

You smile. “A couple months ago. We stopped off in Italy for a few days, and I decided to get it. I know it’s something we’ve talked ‘bout for a while.”

I grin. “It’s beautiful.”

I pull my hand away from your skin and loosen my tie a wee bit, unbutton the vest, and a few buttons of my shirt. I tug the left side of the fabric to the side. Your eyes drift down to my exposed skin, and you bring your hand up to trace over the ink I have just above my heart.

You lift your eyes up to mine.

“It’s a penguin.” You whisper.

I smile. “It is. I know it’s your favorite animal, sweetheart. ‘Sides, when we always talked ‘bout getting matching tattoos, we decided we’d get each other’s favorite animals.”

You grin. “When did you get it?”

I pause. “Uh….two months after you got deployed.”

“It’s pretty. I’m surprised I didn’t notice it this mornin’ when we videochatted.”

I chuckle. “Well, if I fuckin’ remember correctly, doll, your eyes were focused on another part of my body.”

You blush. “Hey. Not my fault you put on one hell of a show.”

I laugh. “You started it.”

“Nah uh.”

“Yes uh.”

“Nah uh.”

“Mmhhmm.”

You giggle. “Nope.”

I lean down to kiss you. “Yes. You did.”

“Hmmm...you keep kissing me like that, and I’ll admit to startin’ it.”

I chuckle. “Is that a promise?”

“Don’t start somethin’ you ain’t plannin’ on finishin’.”

I playfully growl. “Oh, honey. I promise you, you’ll be finishin’ ‘fore we leave this damn room.”

“Promises. Promises.” You taunt.

“Oh. I’ll fuckin’ show you promises, sweetheart.”

I take your lips in a passionate kiss, causing you to cling to my shoulders as you moan into the kiss. I curl one arm ‘round your waist, and tug you closer to me as I deepen the kiss. You moan again, which gives my tongue a change to dart in and dance with yours.

My free hand trails down between our bodies and shove your uniform pants down.

You pull back from the kiss, panting.

“Negan, honey. My boots.” You pant.

I chuckle before I scoop you up and plop you down on my bed. I drop to my knees and tug your boots off you feet. I set ‘em on the floor before I crawl over you on my bed. I place a hand on either side of your head. You shift your legs so that my lower body rests between ‘em.

You hook a leg over my calves. I do a mock pushup as I lean down to kiss you. You wrap your arms ‘round my neck, and I feel your fingers tangle in my hair. I break the kiss and rest my forehead against yours.

“Did you cum this mornin’?” I ask.

You shake your head. “No. I didn’t have ‘nough time ‘fore I had to head over to the ceremony.”

I nod. “Ok.”

Before you can say another word, I start trailing open-mouthed kisses down your jaw, neck, between your breasts, and down your tummy. I let my tongue dip into your belly button. You arch up against me, and I can’t help but smirk. I tilt my head back so that my eyes meet yours, but I keep my mouth on your skin.

You reach down and tangle your fingers in my hair again and tug roughly. I don’t mind the pain one bit. Not when it means I get to see you like this. I chuckle as you let out another moan and arch your hips towards me.

“Negan. Honey. Please.” You beg.

“Please what, baby girl? Tell daddy what you want.” I tease.

You moan. “Somethin’. Anythin’. YOU!”

I chuckle. “Yes, ma’am.”

I trail one of my hands down your body and hook my fingers in your panties. I give ‘em a gentle tug and pull off your legs. I glance up at you as I nestle myself between your legs, hooking ‘em over my shoulders.

“You sure you want this, sweetheart?” I ask, in a serious tone.

I would never do something that you didn’t want or consent to. I don’t believe in rape or anything similar to it. Your eyes meet mine. You know how I am, so you know that while it may sound like I’m teasing you, I’m actually being completely fuckin’ serious.

“Yes, Negan! I want this.” You say. “Please!”

“Yes, ma’am.” I say before diving in.

I make love to you with my mouth. I alternate between licking, sucking, and kissing your core. You buck your hips against my face, repeatedly, as you pant and tug on my hair. I place one palm against your lower tummy and push you back down against the bed.

I gently slide my index finger of my other hand inside you. I do so slowly ‘cause I know it’s been awhile for you, and the last thing I wanna do is hurt you. The moment you feel my finger in you, only to the first knuckle, you clench up. I pull my mouth from you and glance up at you.

“Relax, baby. Just relax. I got you.” I assure you.

You nod. “I forgot how big your fingers were, though.”

I chuckle. “I know it’s been a while. That’s why I gotta get you ready.”

You nod and moan as my finger slides in a little further. I latch back onto your clit and focus on making you feel good. Before too long, I’m able to add another finger. I move my fingers in a scissor like motion, and I feel my middle finger brush up against that special spot.

You buck yours hips against my face, and tighten your grip on my hair the moment it does.

“Oh fuck!” You pant.

I chuckle against your lower lips which has you moaning loudly. It doesn’t take much longer ‘fore I feel you tighten ‘round my fingers, almost painfully. I lift my eyes to look at you again. You’ve got your eyes squeezed shut and your chest’s heaving.

“Let go, baby. Just fuckin’ let go. I got you.” I murmur.

Just like I did earlier with your words, you come undone ‘round my fingers at my words. I smile and keep lapping up your juices. When you finally manage to come down from your high, I push myself up to my knees and gaze down at you. I bring a hand up and wipe your juices from my beard.

You flop back on the mattress with a content look on your face. I chuckle as I lean forward, covering your body with mine. I gently brush my lips against yours and you moan into the kiss. I pull back after a moment and just look at you.

“I forgot what it’s like to taste myself on you.” You mumble.

I laugh. “You taste fuckin’ amazin’, doll.”

You grin. “So do you.”

I groan at your words. I know how much you fuckin’ love going down on me, and every single time, you swallow every last drop. I kiss you once more before pulling away and standing up. If I don’t, I’m liable to take you, right here, on my college mattress, and that’s not what I want at the moment.

I want to take my time with you and enjoy our first time together again in months. You look up at me, pouting, as I start to button my shirt back up and fix my tie. You prop yourself up on your elbows.

“What ‘bout you?” You ask.

“What ‘bout me, baby?” I reply.

“Don’t you wanna cum too?”

I smile. “Of course I do, but I came earlier. Remember?”

“But...after what you just did to me?”

I chuckle. “Sweetheart. You know my two for one rule.”

You blush and nod. “I get to cum twice for every time you do.”

I nod. “Exactly. So, I’ve still got one more time to make you cum to make up for mine this fuckin’ mornin’.”

You blush. I finish buttoning up my vest ‘fore I lean back down over you. I kiss your forehead.

“Besides, doll. I wanna take my fuckin’ time with you later. I don’t wanna fuckin’ rush our first time in months.” I whisper.

You giggle. “Ok.”

I smile as I stand up straight. “You bring any extra clothes with you today?”

Shaking your head you answer my question. I dig through my duffle bag and pull out my baseball jersey and a pair of my sweatpants. I hand ‘em to you as you sit up completely. You slip my jersey on first. It hangs halfway down your thighs once you stand up.

I just take in the sight of you. My jersey looks damn good on you. All throughout high school, you always wore my jersey to my games; you refused to wear any other shirt to my games. You swore that in my jersey, you were my lucky charm. The one day you had to wear a shirt aside from my jersey, we ended up losing by six runs, and I got hit in the face with a wild pitch.

After that, you always made sure to wear my jersey, and I never argued with you when you said something ‘bout you in my shirt being my good luck charm. Plus, you always looked damned good in it. Lord have mercy. You thought I was sexy in my uniform, but honey, you put me to shame when it came to the sight of you in my baseball jersey.

I always had to pull you back into the bedroom right before we left, but somehow we were never late to any of the games. You made sure of that. I could make love to you before the game, but you made sure we were never late. You stand up and start pulling on the sweatpants.

They go to fall down but I help you tighten them.

“You ready to go?” You ask, grabbing your uniform folding it, and putting it in my duffle bag.

“Yes, doll.” I smile over at you, putting your cover on your head.

#Graduation #Negan One-Shot #Negan Fanfic #Negan Fluff #Negan Smut #Negan

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anth-seeing2019 · 5 years ago

Text

Assignment 1Seeing Prohibition Alyssa Maurer Everyone’s Peggy: Threats to Seeing.

[reblogged to ensure grading]

This space is static. There is little to no movement. The movement that does occur is directly related to mobile phone usage. Eye contact between patients is kept minimal. Heads are locked onto their phones or on the television screen; fixations are controlled by artificial movement. The only desirable eye contact is between the patient and the nurse that beckons them into the next room. The twiddling of thumbs, texting messages to family or friends, accompanied by an obligatory glance towards the phone’s housing; whether it be pant pocket, hoodie pouch, or carry-on bag. Outside of that codependency, the occasional side-ways glance is done in secret. That was my way in.

Animals That Saw Me, a photobook by Ed Panar, is one of the biggest references I could draw off of after completing this activity. In the book, Panar creates a visual narrative discussing the fleeting, face-to-face interactions that people have with animals. I make the comparison, between staring at animals and staring at other people, because I think that it touches on the animalistic inclinations that humans retain. The fight or flight instinct, for example, uses staring as a way of preparation. The person or animal takes in the immediate threat through visual context and acts accordingly. Staring, in this context, is as a natural, animalistic instinct. An archaic inclination passed on from human ancestors.

While not all of the images could address the concept of staring, I do believe it to be an interesting gesture on how the staree and starer can be swapped. This addresses aspects of the power dynamic, but in this case, you’re never quite sure who instigates (starer) the action and who submits (staree) to it. Of the many observations I had while sitting in a waiting room and performing the act of staring, the power dynamic between the two characters was the most obvious. To me, before reading more on the subject, staring was a violation; used only to manipulate the staree into a submissive state. Garland Thompson reflects on the aspects of intensity associated with staring on page 14.

“We speak of “staring daggers,” “penetrating looks,” “piercing eyes,” “riveting glances,” and “looking somebody up and down.” Such phrases reflect the intensity of being on either side of a staring encounter” (Garland, p. 14).

It was only after reading chapter 7 of Staring, that I began to understand that the power in the staree as well as the starer is subjective. While one could overthrow the other, the idea behind a positive response to any staring is an acknowledgment from both parties, acceptance, and a shared visual dialogue. What is of more importance is the amount of experience (from both the starer and the staree) between both parties that make this dialogue possible. I am not saying it isn’t impossible without shared experience in this performance, however, it does make it less burdening.

“The struggle for starers is whether to look or look away. The struggle for starees is how to look back”(Thomson, pg 84).

My observations substantiate Garland-Thompon’s discussion of staring because they exemplify many of the key points outlined in the reading. There are two or more characters being activated in this position. I, as the starer, have observed the power dynamics at play and the dualities that exist. After hesitantly establishing a visual introduction, I attempted to tame the world with my eyes; jumping innocuously from one waiting room to the next. Of course, this interaction isn’t complete without certain fulfillments. The staree must deny or acknowledge the starer through some sort of reactionary impulse. This could be a hand shooting up to cover their face, a surprised jitter, a reluctant smile, or a hostile glare. Any negative reaction to me, no matter the level of resentment, would immediately persuade me from pestering further.

“A seasoned staree evaluates when to turn away, stare back, or further extend the stare. Some allow the staring to go on in order for the starer to get a good look. Others find it most effective to use eye contact and body language to terminate the stare as soon as possible, although this risks being interpreted as hostile. Another option is to redirect the stare” (Thomson, pg 86)”

This ballet is a duet; it cannot be completed without the other participant. This is where the starer’s role intensifies and his/her duties to the staree become paramount. What goals are going to be met through this? Will I know I’ve been given the signal to stop? What do I want them to see from me? What do I want them to know from me? How best to communicate this through eye contact alone? Remembering the goals for each conversation once the line has been cast, is both the most difficult part of this conversation and the part with the biggest reward.

The context-specific prohibition against looking that I had intended to explore, was photographing in a private office space, but I found myself fighting against the compulsion to stare. So, instead of trading one for the other, I did both; staring and photographing. There are a number of power relationships at play while staring in a health clinic. In the waiting room environment, there is an all-too-often overlooked, but very much so present overseer in the form of surveillance footage. The hierarchy of surveillance is a prevalent, pervasive threat to the staree and starer. This outlier interferes with the accessibility that a communal stare indoctrinates. The other prohibition, in this context, is the HIPPA agreement made between patients and healthcare providers. HIPPA is a United States legislation that provides data privacy and security provisions for safeguarding medical information. This safeguards against, but is not limited to data breaches, restrictions on access, broadened security measures, and patient interactions within the facility. I was unaware that photography interferes with those measures at the time as well.

What was disturbing about this interaction was that it was one-sided, invasive, and mostly unsolicited on my end. I should have been more considerate of my surroundings..

After two hours in the waiting room, hearing the names being called into the next room, listening to the medical procedures that the television played on repeat, I successfully talked to 3 people about this area. John, April, and Emilio. The fourth and final person I talked to was the one who escorted me out of the building but not before asking me to delete the photographs on my camera and requesting my full name for their records. Her alias was Peggy, but her actual name, after gathering further information on her, was Ndidi. Peggy is an immigrant from Nigeria.

April was the first person I began to have a visual conversation with. She’s a bold, middle-aged woman. She wore pink leopard print, unicorn slippers, and had pinkish-purplish semi-permanent hair colorization. She entered and sat at the furthest end of the waiting room, which looked more like a hallway with chairs. April was fidgety, so establishing prolonged eye-contact with her wasn’t easy.

As I stared, I noticed more and more of April’s features. Her skin was a deep tan, almost leathery texture with countless freckles. I took her picture in secret without asking for her permission. Soon after, I asked from across the room,

“What’re ya in for,” this question startled her out of her trance, looking up towards me with an almost lifeless reaction. Her face scrunched up and she replied with a loud and puzzled,

“Huuhhhh?!”

I repeated my question from across the room. Her response was a waving of her dainty hand and a rolling of her head round in a clockwise direction. She replied,

“I been comin’ here for months, lady. They ain’t found nothin’ on me yet worth talkin’ bout,” she continued looking downward, “it’s--been a long road, hah.” She chuckled to herself and half-smiled looking back up at me.

“I’m Alyssa--er, Al for short.” I chortled waving at her with, what I would consider, a long-distance handshake.

“Oh, we’re givin’ names now,” she quipped questioningly.

“I’m April--don’t ‘ave any nicknames, but I like the one you got. Sounds funky and for a girl with green ‘air, I’m sure that’s was your--ahaha--goin’ for.” She laughed and then I accompanied her. We conversed in segments. I told her about the picture I had taken of her and she laughed again, saying that she would have never noticed. I asked how this made her feel and she said ‘ain’t no harm if I didn’ see no foul’. John walked in about 8 minutes after April.

John is a middle-aged man, but with more seasoning than April. He wore a black t-shirt, blue jeans, and black Nikes. He had in airpods and didn’t look like the type of person who enjoyed casual conversation. *note* I’m not making these judgments in real-time, I’m only including this information to better visualize the character John made little to no eye-contact outside of his phone’s screen. Occasionally, he would glance upward at the television or around at the faculty when they would meander around the sides of the waiting room hallway. I continued to stare at him, without reciprocated fixation, until one of his wandering glances met mine. Then, another latched on to me without lingering for much longer than the first. Frustrated, I took out my camera and took a picture of him looking back down on his screen. Unhappy with the angle of the image on my LCD screen preview, I took another image. John looked up, but not in time to see my camera angled towards him. Enthused by his reaction, I took another exposure and he looked up to meet my stare as the camera pulled away from my face. He pulled out his airpods without looking away from me as I continued to stare back. Once out, he blinked and the corners of his mouth curled up into a smile; the kind of smile you don’t expect to receive from someone who looks and acts so unamused or bored in a public environment. As he smiled, he laughed quietly, and half-whispered,

“Whaaat--are--you doing, aha,” his shoulders drooped over while he leaned toward my direction anticipating an answer of some sort. If the charisma in his voice didn’t prompt me into talking, his body language did. He sat legs open, arms on his lap, and his face jutting out towards me in some comical fashion.

“I was just--uh--staring at you, but you--well it’s for an assignment in my class, but, uh, you didn’t respond to that. Sooo--”, I replied scatter-brained and eager to get him to talk to me, “I took your picture instead while you were looking around to get your attention. I hope it wasn’t rude or anything. I just wanted to see what you had to say about everything.” Everything? Really, Al?

John smiled, his head twirled upwards with his eyes as he shook it there. When his eyes came back to mine, he continued.

“Man, I thought I came into the psych ward or something for a sec. You had me scared!” Me and him both laughed, then I asked him why he felt like he was in a psych ward, how the staring made him feel, and why he averted it so much. He said that staring made him feel paranoid or uncomfortable. He said that he wasn’t equipped to handle that type of conversation on this day and that his brain was more so acting to get him ready for his doctor’s appointment. He was overcompensating and he hated doctor’s visits.

Here, we could begin to discuss some of the points outlined in Daniel Segal’s Can You Tell a Jew When You See One?. Here, Segal substitutes the word stereotypes for typifications, which was originally coined by Alfred Schutz. In the essay, he elaborates on problems relating to prejudice, stereotyping or typifications, and how their social construction delegitimizes sensory perception. Sensory perception cannot be the reason for issuing a typification. Social jurisdiction operates to define the terms that we then give onto people from other cultural backgrounds or descent because it operates like a machine; giving titles, descriptions, and names to people, places, and things. To exercise what was learned from this essay, I’m taking precautions not to undermine John’s character. Now, John is not like me. His skin is olive-toned and he is male. That doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s from African descent nor that his descent affects his character, but his physical makeup does characterize visible attributes. The segment of the essay that I am referring to most directly is on page 238, paragraph three.

“Take the case of whether a person is or is not “African American.”[...] the facts about this matter of identity, independent of a person’s ‘looks,’ are located in ancestry[...] Consider, in other words, the possible outcomes of discrepancies or incongruities between visual signs of identity and a person’s knowable ancestry.[...] Thus, by social conjuring trick--one that alters who it is who is known to have African-American ancestors-the incongruity of white-looking African-Americas is removed from the world that appears before our eyes. The Statistical correlation is tightened, in this cay by exploiting the instability of the supposedly fixed facts about whether someone is or is not ‘African-American’” (Segal, pg. 238).

As I entered into the facilitation of this assignment, I’ve taken precautions to understand typifications, how they operate and how to avoid them in descriptive narratives. That being said, John was comfortable enough to discuss stereotypes with me. He said that he and his family have felt the effects, but that they’ve been subdued by political correctness, informative outreach programs, and efforts in diversity and inclusion. When asked about micromanagement over the situation--in communities, schools, etc.--he said that perseverance is above all else the most paramount.

Emilio was received in the waiting room, along with his grandparents and mother, while John and I were talking.

Proud of my accomplishments thus far, I grew more confident and actively starred at Emilio. I glanced towards his family occasionally but kept persistent contact with the child. The mother, persuaded by my eye contact, beckoned me over to sit with the family. I asked her about her son. Her heavy, Latin accent generated a language barrier, but she still allowed me to interact with the child. He looked to be about 7. Every time I starred, he unabashedly returned my glances with an assumed childish demeanor. I got his name after many attempts at explaining and gesturing to myself to receive an answer.

Why are children open to acts of starring more so than adults? Is this exception related to childhood development and the absence of socially constructed expectations? Presumably, the answer relies on the age of the child and their experiences with public or social media environments.

I was called into the doctor’s office for my scheduled appointment shortly after talking with Emilio and his family. The visit was conducted as usual. My blood results came back normal. The lumbar puncture confirmed that I had an inflammatory disease that would require medication and future consultations. During our intermissions, where the doctor or nurse would leave the room, I would photograph the room. After I received my prescriptions, I was told that I could leave.

The confrontation with Peggy occurred while I was making my escape from the clinic. Peggy found me attempting to make my way out of the labyrinth of halls that made up the facility. Deliberately walking up to me, she told me that the exit was in the opposite direction.

“Ma’am, the exit is this way,” she said as she pointed in the opposite direction.

“Oh,” I replied, “thank you, I’m sorr--” she interrupted my apology mid-sentence.

“I haff been meaning to ask you where did you get dat camera and what are you doing in this place wit it?” She interrogated me in a foreign accent while pointing at my camera and the surrounding walls.

“I am a patient here and I was just taking pictures to check my camera’s settings, y’know? Staying loose, that’s all,” I replied trying to sound as genuine as possible. She wasn’t amused by my response at all.

“Noooooo! You cannot do dat ‘ere. This is a medical facility. That is wrong, very wrong. You cannot do dat ‘ere with other patients' privacy. We have people who come in to take pictures for us when we need it...[--]” she rambled on about issues concerning privacy, of which, I was aware of, but didn’t think any of my images infringed upon patient privacy.

“--So, I need to delete my images. Is that what you’re saying,” I interrupted her, “There’s really nothing too invasive with these images, I swear. I’m aware of privacy laws regarding media, but there’s really nothing in here that could come back to you guys. I’d be more than happy to agree to a release form or some kind of disclosure or no compensation agreement” I pulled out the camera with the LCD screen pointed up to show her the images. In preview mode, I went through the pictures to show her each one carefully. None of them were impressive. Most of them were still frames of objects found in the waiting room and consultation; a chair leg coming in contact with the ground, a stack of pamphlets on nesting table, a rolling chair, doctor’s instruments, John looking down at his ph---oh no.... Peggy was outraged.

“See!! That is a patient, that is no good! You delete all of those images right now. You cannot do that! Can’t you see how that is wrong?! Delete everything,” She commanded.

“Everything?” I questioned, but it didn’t more than a glance to realize her anger and bewilderment. I dutifully obliged and deleted every image I had taken from my duration with her head lingering over my shoulder. Still, I felt determined to question her further.

“What is so wrong with photographs? The camera isn’t a weapon, ya know. Besides, there are people taking images with their phones regardless of privacy standards. I feel like the only reason you’re targeting me is because my camera is ostentatious and unconcealable. Besides, I asked this patient if it was ok after I took the shot.” I continued to argue my point while deleting the images. It only angered Peggy.

“There,” I said, “all deleted.”

“Good, but don’t you see how it is wrong to do that?” she, once again, asked. I had already replied to this question twice and didn’t feel like answering it again. I just kept to myself and allowed her to continue. At this point, I felt like a vacuous child being lectured into the ground. Did I feel remorse? Undoubtedly, I felt it, but the fact that I could reconcile with this women plagued me with more, unsurmountable guilt than anything else. What does it mean to be a photographer, to have a degree and uphold certain values, if I can’t convince someone otherwise about its nature? Peggy touched on the small of my back, urging me to exit the facility. Before leaving she had one final question, that I didn’t feel the need to answer after considering the negative connotations involved in the conversation.

“What is your name for our records?”

“Oh, I can’t give you that,” I replied solidarily and exited the clinic doors.

Upon looking back, I realize now that Peggy’s confrontation-in particular-illuminates more on the prohibitions of seeing; as well as legal/moral issues involved. Peggy was obligated to stop and lecture me on the legality of the situation. Her duty, in that respect, was to act according to protocol. When I tried to reconcile the situation-albeit-in a frivolous, panicked manner, I was met with more of the same lecture. We didn’t see eye-to-eye on the situation. In a more diplomatic conversation, I could see the conversation being more successful. However, Peggy instigated her side of the conversation with such emotional gravitas that it overwhelmed me; it brainwashed me into contrition before I could even begin to build my side of the argument.

Binding, legal implications have power over ways of seeing just as much as emotional jurisdiction does or even an acceptance of conversation. Communication is a two-way street. Both sides have to be willing to receive and contribute to the discourse. I’ve never photographed in a health care facility. I’ve been advised not to and was aware of the complexities involved both legally and morally. Why did I do it? I did it because I have a passion for something and I wanted to further understand the stigma behind. I thought I could maybe reason with someone if I got caught or share information about the art form that means so much to me.

The biggest threat to seeing, in any way, is cowardice. Summoning up the courage to seek discomfort, to be vulnerable, and to be forthright on the discoveries made after the fact, is the key to seeing behind walls; even when you meet someone like Peggy. Peggy didn’t give me the signs that the book warned me about and for the most part, this experience was going all too well. If it weren’t for Peggy, I wouldn’t know how it feels to be terminated from a specific visual conversation. Now, I look back and I am grateful for her involvement in my life. She’s shed some light on things that I had never considered or had even been given the circumstances to consider. Sure, there may fear surrounding embarrassment or failure, but it’s only when we experience those emotions first hand that we truly begin to understand; especially in the case of visual communication.

“To see things thousands of miles away, things hidden behind walls and within rooms, things dangerous to come to, to draw closer, to see and be amazed” (Secret Life of, 2013).

Works Cited

Kuku, David. Unknown. n/a.

Panar, Ed. Animals That Saw Me. Vol. 1, Spaces Corners, 2011.

Segal, Daniel. “Can You Tell a Jew When You See One?” Judaism: A Quarterly Journal of Jewish Life and Thought, vol. 48, no. 2, 1999, pp. 234–238.

Stiller, Ben, et al. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Amazon Prime Video, 201th Century Fox, 5 Oct. 2013.

“What Is Staring?” Staring: How We Look, by Rosemarie Garland-Thomson, Oxford University Press, 2015, pp. 13–17.

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