#look dude i have trauma related to religion ! i get it ! lots of stuff sucks !
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thedarklyblue · 2 years ago
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he's so all or nothing jesus fuck
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hargrove-mayfields · 4 years ago
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No, see, this is the point where I now come into your ask box /begging/ you to give me even a single religious Neil headcannon in exchange for my entire heart ❤️🤲
Ahh thank you for the ask! I’ve been wanting to ramble abt this! Here’s a few hcs for you!
-The number one most important one I think is that Billy is left handed. We all know the association between left handed folks and the devil and it would tick Neil off to no end when they notice that little Billy is tying his shoes left handed and picking up crayons and sippy cups with his left hand, so he trains Billy to use the right one instead through typical Neil fashion. His mother never let Neil hit him but he definitely scared him through threats of it, and when that doesn’t work he breaks his left arm so he can’t use it and pretends it was just an accident. Billy learns his lesson and starts forcing himself to use the right hand, but because of the constant focus on using the wrong hand or facing the consequences he develops pretty bad dyslexia. If you’ve got dyslexia you can’t read the Bible, so Neil tries everything he can to cure him of it (making Billy pray it away, forcing him into every educational church related program he can find, beating it out of him) but it only makes it worse. It takes him years after moving out of Neil’s place to be comfortable using his left hand for anything and even then he’s still mostly ambidextrous because there’s some things he just can’t shake using the right for.
-They have bibles literally everywhere in the Hargrove-Mayfield house. One on every bookshelf, in every drawer, on every side table, and whenever Billy or Max get in trouble for minor things they get verses read to them (in Billys case because of the dyslexia he has to read them himself and it always goes terribly) and forced to apologize to whoever is punishing them, whoever they wronged, and to God.
-Their church had a pastor who tried to be like, very hip with the kids but he was truly a nasty s.o.b under the surface. Neil was very close friends with this dude so he was able to get Billy one-on-one sessions with him after the church cleared out, and they are, very tough to sit through because he’s got this facade of being Billy’s friend, but he’s saying terrible things about him because of who he is (I hc that Billy outed himself before he realized the consequences of it as a little, little kid) and it’s so confusing to him that he ends up just bawling his eyes out after every one. His faith in the church is shaky at best, but he really internalizes a lot of what that man says to him because of the way he presents it. When the pastor moves on to another church and they get this new old guy in who’s genuinely really nice, Billy's still terrified of him regardless and sits through every service unable to look to the front.
-Bible school was absolutely mandatory. Most kids would go to have fun, but Billy didn’t like the church, and he couldn’t really click with the other kids. Making a prayer pillow and listening to the creepy kid friendly songs and reading in the Jonah and the whale tent just wasn’t cool and exciting like it was to his peers and he feels so isolated. So he sneaks off to go chill in the nursery where he can be alone and it’s not suffocating and crowded, but Neil wants updates since he can’t be there, and he knows Billy’s lying about attending because he asked the ladies in charge of it. As punishment for blowing off what he considered the easy route to teaching Billy the right path to take, Billy winds up enrolled in church camp.
-Church camp sucks. A lot. It’s marketed as being a fun outdoorsy getaway but it’s a lot deeper than that for kids who don’t have a normal relationship with their religion, and especially not for kids whose counselors know they’re gay. It’s basically torture, being away from home in a secluded place where literally around him treats him like a freak because they all know his secret. It’s like, during worship times it feels like everyone’s staring at him, and nobody eats with him in the mess hall and he’s got a bunk bed all to himself because no one else is allowed to share with him and it’s awful. When he gets to come back home he breaks down hard, and Neil is smug as all hell that it had made him that miserable. Billy starts pretending then and there that he’s changed, because he knows the next step would be conversion therapy and what he’s been through was bad enough, so he basically hides away anything that was left of his personality after church camp. For the first time ever Neil’s proud of him.
-Whenever Billy would get in big trouble he’d pretend to pray. Hide in his room and get on his knees at the foot of his bed because his dad wouldn’t hit him if he’s praying, right? Wrong. Neil started making him say his prayers out loud, and he’d stand in the door and wait for Billy to do it right. It makes the whole thing that much more unpleasant because now he knows what was inevitably coming when he got through with it, and he’d only get in more trouble if he stalled. Neil isn’t stupid either, he knows that Billys just trying to buy himself some time and he doesn’t truly mean what he’s saying, so once Billys got his punishment he makes him pray again through his tears. Just to drive the point home.
-Neil definitely made the kids do the annual Easter Pageant when they were little. It was humiliating for Billy, getting put in a reused costume and having to tell the story that’s been used against him so much. All the old church ladies fussing over how cute he is, standing up on the grassy hillside to be gawked at while Susan insisted on snapping picture after picture of her new step son even though he didn’t have any lines. It’s all just way too much. By the time he’s old enough to refuse doing it anymore Neil accuses him of tearing the family apart, ruining their traditions, embarrassing them in front of their community, but he stands his ground, and they all watch Max perform in her little angel costume, and Billy gets his ass beat as soon as it’s over.
-Their church used to have annual holiday parties for stuff like Christmas, Halloween, and Easter, and that was the only time Billy ever had any fun when it came to his religion. They weren’t the greatest little parties but there were some really tasty baked goods and the games were kind of fun because there was no underlying biblical message behind like, carrying a ping pong ball across the room with a spoon and pin the tail on the donkey. Neil doesn’t approve of them though, thinks they distract from what the church should be teaching, and Billy and Max are forbidden from going to them.
-As time goes on Billy still goes to church every Sunday and attends the holiday services but he’s not forced into the extracurriculars anymore because he’s a lot better at acting and following the rules. But I think the worst part would be that he would truly want to believe in God. Of course he’d be bitter that he’d been forced to go through so much abuse at the hands of someone who claimed to be religious, but deep down he knows that isn’t what it’s about and he doesn’t want to have to pretend that there’s something for him to believe in. He genuinely wants to believe that there’s hope for better things and someone looking out for him, but there’s just so much trauma associated with his faith that he can’t, no matter how hard he tries, and if not for everything else he did, he hates Neil so much for ruining that for him.
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urmomsstuntdouble · 4 years ago
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If ur still doing the 100 followers thing, well I challenge YOU with deciphering Lithuania.
ok anon thank you so much for asking this question because i have in fact recently fallen in love with lithuania, because they are such an interesting character! (also hhhh im so sorry for how late this is) 
Gender
As you may have noticed, I usually use they/them pronouns to refer to Lithuania. I hc them as being nonbinary and using he/they pronouns, though I personally prefer to use they rather than he in that case because. Idk what pronouns you use. But in my experience it’s really hard to get people to call you ‘they’ when you go by ‘he/they’ or ‘she/they’ or smth like that. Though I don't imagine any of the nations are very attached to their “birth gender” (are nations born???), lithuania is one of those who is a bit less attached. They’re just sort of there, in terms of gender. In my headcanons i also think this has something to do with religion, as lithuania was one of the last european countries to convert to Christianity- just because so much of gender as we know it comes from christianity and what people in the 16th and 17th centuries considered a ‘good’ christian. Thats not to say that there are no gender roles in other religions, but that the way westerners typically conceptualize gender has quite a lot to do with the religious conflicts occurring within christianity. Like you can trace the ideas behind the nuclear family archetype back to the protestant reformation. Additionally, I hc them as being Jewish, which further distances them from the western christian gender roles (though that’s not why i hc them as jewish! More on that later). Finally, i just like myself some trans/nb characters. There’s so few popular trans hcs and that makes me kinda sad ya know? Welcome to the trans agenda its just me projecting onto all my faves
Mental Health
Okay, so, i think it’s pretty well known that lithuania’s mental health is wack. They’re often characterised as being a very anxious person, but i think the ways in which they’re anxious is super interesting. For one, they are extremely conflict averse and like to avoid it by being a sort of people pleaser. It’s a sort of defense mechanism, because nobody can hate you if you do whatever they say. Like, if you let people be shitty to you, they won’t hate you for your personality. This is clearly flawed logic because then people are still going to be shitty to you, but. It makes sense to liet. In their mind, it’s okay to let people hurt if your reason is sound enough- Because if they’re not super emotionally engaged in a relationship that’s unhealthy for them, then they can’t get hurt, right? Of course, they can. A good example of this is their relationship with Russia. I think tolvydas sees compliance as necessary there, in order to avoid being hurt. The thing is…compliance is also hurting them, even if they see it as ‘worth it.’ To them, behaving in a submissive way is a survival tactic. A really bad one, but a survival tactic nonetheless. 
This also plays into their tendency to be self-martyring. I think Tolvydas is very good at fighting, and all around a really awesome warrior (strong aragorn energy), which makes them think that they need to be the one to save everyone. Hero complex, sort of. This, coupled with their almost maternal care for Latvia and Estonia, makes them feel like they have a sort of weight-of-the-world on their shoulders. Though Estonia and Latvia do look up to them a lot, Tolvydas can sometimes fail to realise that they are also their own people and can fight their own battles. He feels a sort of obligation to protect them due to their shared culture and languages as The Baltic Trio, though it doesn’t go much further than a sense of obligation. They spent most of their youth fighting, to the extent that that’s most of what Tolvydas personally knows as ‘life,’ but they never actually got to know the other two Baltics very well until the modern day. They have to protect, have to be a caregiver, but they don’t actually know super well the things they’re trying to protect. It’s both a sense of obligation to protect as well as the sense that this is all they’re good at and as long as they’re fighting for a morally just cause, that’ll do. 
I think something that would expose this flaw would be when they were first taken over by the Russian Empire in the 1790s, they were pretty miserable about a lot of things- Like the loss of all their territory and the sudden statelessness of their people- but a big one would’ve been the loss of Poland. This isn’t meant to be super shippy, but you know. They were united into one kingdom, and they had been for centuries, so i don’t imagine it was an easy separation. Though this is more up for debate where real people are concerned, these characters were essentially a big part of each other, ya know? Regardless of how much Lithuania actually likes Poland, they’re still a part of each other and that separation will undoubtedly be painful. Anyway, all that is to say that this separation was at the forefront of their mind during the beginning of the 19th century, and they let it sort of prevent them from taking care of the other Baltics. The issue with that is that they still considered themself to be protecting Estonia and Latvia, even though, in reality, nobody was. Also in reality, Lithuania was making themself out to be the worst off, and were generally sort of annoying to be around at this point in time. Their whole woe-is-me attitude wasn’t fun, and they were hypocritical in that they saw themself as being a better friend than they actually were. They still see themself as being a great friend, and though it’s improved in recent years, they’re still sort of. Flighty, i guess, where friendship is concerned. There was also a lot of annoyance by the other baltics about them being so self-martyring- Tolvydas was Ivan’s favorite, after all (that’s not necessarily a good thing, but. He was softer on them in certain ways). Anyway, I guess the big takeaway of this paragraph is that Liet often lets their self perception cloud the way they act in relationships. 
Much of the stuff I’ve mentioned so far is a result of them having quite a lot of PTSD. I think Lithuania’s character tends to be explored through a few common lenses, those being the medieval vibes of the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth and through being oppressed by the Russian Empire/Soviet Union. Not to say that there’s not a lot of other content about them, but this is what I see most often. I think that all the nations have some form of PTSD, but with Lithuania it’s very pronounced, and it’s made clear that a lot of their tendencies are a result of past trauma- Like the need to take care of others. This is likely originating with their childhood, as they grew up in a very violent environment where their survival was never guaranteed (survivor’s guilt much?) and violence was just the way of things. This is where the need to protect comes from. There used to be several more Baltic nations, though you could argue that now there’s only two- Lithuania and Latvia, as Estonia does not speak a Baltic language and would really like to be considered Nordic. 
Finally, Lithuania is also an interesting character where forgiveness is concerned. I think their sense of morality is very black and white, so some people (Feliks) will be easily forgiven where others (Ivan) will not. In reality, I think it would definitely be valid for Tolvydas to hate both of them, yet they don't- Because they decided that Feliks was a friend and Ivan was not. Both Feliks and Ivan care very deeply about them, but neither treats Tolvydas in a very good way. Of course, I’m aware that the situation in the Russian Empire/USSR and the Commonwealth were very different, but I’m talking about these three dudes and their relationships with each other beyond the lens of politics. Because Feliks tried to be their friend in a way that didn’t hurt them tremendously, and because. Look at them, Feliks isn’t 5’4 and can’t hurt you. They’re not an intimidating person and they’re not incredibly powerful like Ivan is. Though that’s not all of it- Feliks’ feelings for Tolvydas are definitely a purer, more selfless type of love than what Ivan feels for them- it makes it harder for Tolvydas to hold a grudge against them. Whereas for Ivan, their relationship was about control. He needed to control them as a way of expressing how he felt about them. He represents a lot of what Tolvydas fought against in their youth, so of course they hate him. Of course, I don’t think they like holding grudges. They want to be able to care for everyone, because they know that everyone deserves to be treated well and cared for and all that. You can't exactly do that if you hold a grudge against someone, so it actually kind of sucks for them when they see someone they hate suffering. It’s a sort of conflict of interest- The caregiving instincts vs the hatred for this person- and they often don’t know what to do in that situation. Usually they wind up helping but not happy about it. They just don’t want to see others suffer, despite the fact that they dislike this person (Russia is of course the exception. They don’t want to help him at all anymore). 
Relationship with family
So, this is a bit of an interesting topic. I think the Baltics consider themselves family just because of what they’ve been through together, but they’re not actually blood related. Though they share similar cultures, and languages, they’re just not related. Maybe Lithuania and Latvia are cousins, but yeah. Lithuania sees themself as the head of their little family, as they have the oldest surviving European culture and language. They sometimes get in their head about that, and can act like both a mom friend and a mom who is bad at mom-ing. It’s a sort of self appointed thing, and can be really annoying to the other two. They don’t pay the utmost attention to their fellow Baltics, and are more concerned with physical well being than emotional well being, so, despite establishing themself as a caretaker, do not wind up actually caring for the other Baltics in the ways they need to be cared for. 
Fighting style
So, as I’ve mentioned, Lithuania is a talented fighter. They go hard as shit, and can very much kick your ass. I think they prefer to be very technical about how they fight, with something boring like a broadsword as their weapon of choice, but are not afraid to fight dirty. Like rip off an ear with their teeth kind of playing dirty. I think they take fighting very seriously. Though Lithuania as we know it is only about 800 years old, I think Tolvydas is much older. The definition of a nation (a large body of people united by common descent, history, culture, or language, inhabiting a particular country or territory, according to the oxford dictionary) does not require there to be a central governing body, so I think it’s quite possible for Lithuania to be well over 2000. Anyway, all that is to say that they didn’t grow up in medieval times, so by the time they’re like. Achieving dominance in Eastern Europe, they’re already very old and well versed in many different styles of fighting. In the modern day, I think they’ve learned more different fighting styles from other parts of the world, but will always fall back on the way they learned how to fight in ancient times. 
Religion
So as I mentioned earlier, Lithuania is Jewish in my headcanons (orthodox, specifically. I think they're kinda traditional). I have a couple reasons for this- There has been a historical presence of Ashkenazi Jews in Lithuania, going back to the 13th or 14th century, and this is due to certain legal protections granted to Jewish people under pre-Commonwealth law. They were legally on similar footing to the average free people of Lithuania, and were able to create a slightly more prosperous community than Jews in other areas of Europe. This was also affected by the Black Plague of the 1340s. Orthodox Jews tend to put a high value on cleanliness, and often have two sinks in their houses (my childhood home, for example, had two sinks, and i lived in a majority jewish area). They also happened to be concentrated in Eastern Europe, due to the protections. Because of this, Eastern European Jews have some of the highest sruvival rates for the Black Plague and actually brought up the survival rates of the region as a whole- Though this also resulted in some intense antisemitism, as many Christians blamed Jewish people for the plague even happening, due to their higher survival rates. Despite various expulsions  and the loss of legal rights, the Jewish population remained relatively steady up until world war 2. Jewish people made up about 10% of the total population of Lithuania in 1941, and 45% of the total population of Vilnius. (To put this in perspective, the entire world population is only about 0.2% Jewish). Anyway, all this is to say that it’s not out of the question for Lithuania to be Jewish. 
Extras/Fun stuff
Lithuania loves reading, especially the fantasy/fairy tale genre. It makes them nostalgic without the trauma of reading historical fiction. 
They’re also very musically gifted, and can play the piano, bass, ukelele, and flute. 
They wear docs.
They love hot chocolate. 
They remind me of both Aragorn from lotr and Hozier. They’re such a sweet lad. 
Bicon who has like 5 people thirsting for them at a given moment but is either oblivious or not looking for a relationship right now. 
Here are my fics with lithuania as a main character!
My previous character analyses of lithuania (sorry they’re mostly in shipping contexts, rip) and another good analysis someone else did
My playlist for them
and i think thats it! of course i could always talk more about them, but those are my thoughts for now! thank you so much for the ask, i hope i was able to meet your challenge! 
writing requests
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daylicate · 4 years ago
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From New Age Deceit to Jesus - Boy, I Did NOT Expect This To Happen...Trust Me.
Hi, guys! So when I left this blog rather abruptly, it was mainly because I had a major realization in my life that I truly did not know how to explain without sounding absolutely insane. For many, what I’m about to share is going to be controversial, but I hope you understand that the reason I’m writing this is because I truly care about Taylor and her fans. If this can resonate with at least one person, maybe a halfway believer, then I’m happy with that. I’m also not trying to convert anyone or cast judgement or persuade anyone to stop what they’re doing! All love here! If God has taught me one thing, it’s that life is your own personal journey, and you can decide if and when to see a sign and make a turn. 
I’m probably going to start this around the time I became a huge Taylor fan again. It started around April of last year right before ME! came out. At that time, and for most of my life really, I always felt rather lost - as if there was a void in my heart that needed filling. When I started getting back into her music and her Easter Egg adventures, it was as if that void was filled...except not really, because I was never satisfied and was ultimately waiting for the NEXT thing Taylor was going to share with us to uncover. I guess you could say, the void got DEEPER. I was idolizing her so much so that, I unknowingly was treating her like she was God. At the end of the day, that’s what “stan” culture is - blindly worshipping false idols. If you were to look back in history, our culture parallels so much with the times of Ancient Egypt, Ancient Rome and Ancient Greece, except we have way more advanced technology and cultural distractions.
In becoming a Taylor fan, the world around me began to shift, because she made me realize how deceptive the media can be. Her whole career had me questioning everything I ever consumed from Hollywood that was PR-related. I got deeper into celebrity culture and blind gossip, which then led me to discover how corrupt things in Hollywood, and in this world, really are. Then, I found out about the Epstein stuff around July of last year, and boy did that affect me. I became SO disillusioned and disheartened that it slowly began to eat away at me. I really don’t know how else to describe it other than it feeling like the dementors from Harry Potter were legitimately sucking the life and soul out of me. I was not taking care of myself while consuming this information, and my faith was nowhere to be found. Around Fall of last year, I dropped out of my semester at college and entered intensive therapy. The biggest thing I learned in my time there was gratitude. I’ve had to deal with some trauma in the past, but through that pain I am able to connect and empathize with so many others. During that time, I learned to let go of the pain and see them as lessons that made me a stronger person.
Alright, so the New Age. Here’s a list of things that are New Age: metaphysics, past lives, numerology, twin flames, astrology, parallel realities, dimensions, crystals, sage, incense, tarot cards, meditating to reach enlightenment, chakra cleansing, rituals, channeling, reiki, energy frequencies, law of attraction, manifestation, psychedelics, aliens (starseeds, light workers, etc.), and SO much more. The best way to describe it would be like a huge buffet - you get to pick and choose your own personalized religion. Now, what I’ve come to realize is that the end goal of this stuff is to become...almost...Godlike. You’re basically training your mind to worship yourself. I worry about this gaining momentum because I see a LOT of celebrities pushing these ideas.
This is where it gets spooky. From April - June I was practicing this stuff intensely, and I would wake up every morning with intense joint pain and nausea, going HOURS without eating. My depression, anxiety, fear, paranoia increased TENFOLD whenever the news was on or when I would watch films/shows with my family. Again, it felt like dementors were sucking the life and soul out of me. Growing up, my mom would call me her “little bird”, and one day I stepped outside and found a dead baby bird right outside my parent’s home. When all this started occurring, I was NOT connecting it to the fact that it was happening because I was researching more about the darkness of Hollywood and practicing some New Age, or occult, stuff (tarot, crystals, astrology, meditating, law of attraction, numerology, energy manipulation, twin flames). From what I was reading online, I legitimately thought the pain and nausea were signs of my “consciousness increasing”.........again, it sounds insane, but once you fall down the rabbit hole, you try to find reasoning from “spiritual people” for why your body is reacting the way that it is. 
When I got back to my apartment, I still had so many questions about all this stuff I was researching. Again, you THINK the void would be filled, but it just gets deeper and deeper, because you want to find out MORE. While on Twitter, I saw someone reply to a tweet that said that the idea of focusing on love frequencies was Luciferian, and at first I was like, uh excuse me, what now?! It does not feel that way, sir! This stuff is all about love and peace! You’re lying! Well, the dude was right, because the devil is one big master of deceit. When it hit me that what I was practicing did not have my best interest at heart, phew, I got down on my knees, PRAYED, and repented. Then, the BEST and most humble feeling came over me. I don’t know how to describe it in text without it sounding wild but, it reminded me of the lyrics to Amazing Grace? “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I was once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see.”
Our entire culture is focused on self-indulgence, and during COVID I’ve realized just how self-centered and dark our society is. Since so much evil is finally coming to light, that means there has to be good. Because we have all this time to rest and think, basically little to no distractions, God’s voice (our conscious) is speaking directly to us, and we’re finally listening and acting on it! It’s just that, we’re not acknowledging that it’s God fueling this passion in us. We’re fighting injustice, trying to free the oppressed, exposing cruelty, redistributing our wealth to those in need, etc. Through our actions, we’re bringing light into our darkness, healing and righteousness. The sad part is, spiritual warfare is at play, so because we’re trying to do so much good, evil is finding ways to be more insidious.
Jesus is so real, and I’m so glad he saved me. If at any point you experienced anxiety while reading this, earnestly call out to Jesus to help you. I promise you that void you’ve been feeling your entire life will finally be filled. I’m so much more at peace now, and when I feel evil trying to creep back in, I’m just like, Jesus SOS! He’s the best and He loves you. When my mom used to talk about God, my body would physically cringe and reject her, and my thoughts would turn hateful. Now when I talk about God, I am so happy and free!
If this resonates, awesome! If you read this and thought, meh no thank you, I totally get it. Again, I don’t want to come off as THAT person trying to force God on you, because God doesn’t want that. He wants it come naturally and from a place of love (and fear - you gotta love and fear God) - it’s why we have free will! You have to be ready for it, because your life is going to do a complete 180. 
The best way I can describe it is that, I stepped into the daylight and let all of my demons finally...go. Don’t let the devils roll the dice no longer, my dudes! Sending love to you all, and please feel free to message me if you have any questions. I certainly can’t be the one to give you the answers, but I’d be happy to guide you! Discernment and not becoming easily deceived is key when you make this shift.
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