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bustyasianbeautiespod · 2 years

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Episode 52 Transcript: Who is Devin?

[intro guitar music]

G: Hello, my name is Grey.

C: And my name is Crystal.

G: And this is Busty Asian Beauties, a Supernatural commentary podcast, where I, someone who has seen this show several times…

C: And I, someone who only knows about Supernatural through social media, discuss every single episode of Supernatural from start to finish. Also, we are both Asian.

G: Both Asian! For today's episode, we will be discussing Season 3, Episode 8: “A Very Supernatural Christmas,” written by Jeremy Carver, directed by Jay Miller Tobin.

C: I did not know this was written by Jeremy Carver.

G: I also did not know.

C: I thought it was pretty good, but also, it was written by Jeremy Carver. So actually, maybe it was bad.

G: I had so much fun watching this. And you know how like, back in season 1, I would cry at every episode?

C: Yeah.

G: And then season 2, I just stopped. And then season 3 is just like, "whatever"? I cried this episode.

C: Aww!

G: Oh, yeah, I was like, at the end scene, I was like, crying. So that was cool. It was effective in that way. And then the rest of the episode is also effective in that it's entertaining. Like, I was not bored. So yeah, a win.

The violence scenes this episode are well and truly violent. And I love that.

C: Oh, yeah. I watched this with my ex-fiancee because I was at her house earlier today, and like, yeah, she's a big fan of fingernail removal-

G: Yeah!

C: - and so am I, so yeah. That was fun.

G: Yeah. I love it when Sam Winchester is hurt and crying and screaming. [C laughs]

C: Yeah. And I do mean that sexually. [G laughs]

G: I mean, it's fascinating to me because they do it this episode, and then actually, like, many, many seasons later, in “Last Holiday,” it's kind of a holiday episode, so it's kind of a Christmas episode in a way, they also remove his fingernail.

C: I have heard this.

G: So yeah, callback! Yeah. So that's super fun.

C: And it's like, a seemingly nice older woman in both cases with a cheerful disposition. So yeah, it really is the same episode.

G: Mm-hm. Yeah. That one was written by-

C: It was the guy who wrote “Scoobynatural,” I know.

G: No, “Scoobynatural” was written by outsiders!

C: Yeah, no, I think “Last Holiday” was also written by an outsider.

G: No!

C: Are you sure?

G: It was written by fucking- no, it's not. I was gonna say it was written by the guy who wrote the one with the exploding pumpkin under the sun line. What's that one? The season 14 episode?

C: Oh, "His exploded-" the- “Peace of Mind”! [G laughs]

G: Why are we like this? Why are we talking about this? Let's stop talking about this because it doesn't matter. I'm gonna cut it all out.

C: It was- I've looked it up, and "Last Holiday" was written by Jeremy Adams, who wrote “Scoobynatural” partnering with James Krieg.

G: Ugh, I hate you. I hate you.

C: I love being right about everything all the time. [G laughs]

G: Okay. So Crystal, what did you know about this episode going in?

C: I think I mostly saw a gifset of the final scene with the eggnog, and specifically, when Dean says, “Fuel for me and fuel for my baby.” So I remember seeing that before I knew Dean, and seeing that he had like, a little mark on his cheek, and being like, “Oh, that's kind of cute.” But now, I hate him, so it's not. [laughs]

G: Noo!

C: Yeah. Oh, and I think I also had heard that- what like, Jared Padalecki spiked the eggnog for real beforehand.

G: For realsies? I didn't know that.

C: Yeah, and that's why Jensen Ackles reacted that way when he drank it.

G: That's fun.

C: Yeah, I mean, it's Jared Padalecki though.

G: [laughs] Yeah. Yeah. Always the Jared Padalecki.

I'm very proud that we have not mentioned his name in this podcast for like, a whole season up until now.

C: Yeah, I think so. Because in the past, whenever I got our transcripts on our dash, it would be like, “This post contains filtered content: Jared Padalecki.”

G: Yeah! And it's filtered because it's Jared Padalecki! [both laugh] Well, to be fair, I have like, almost all actors- well, at least the main trio- filtered.

C: Oh yeah, same.

G: It's so funny, because I also think I have Benny and like, Crowley- [C laughing]

C: Yeah, because you're a hater who hates when Dean has other boyfriends.

G: [laughs] I'm literally a hater, and I have the muted, and whenever we mention them, they also get filtered out of my dash.

C: So real.

G: So good luck to this episode and its visibility.

C: Yeah. RIP.

G: So we'll start now. So we start in this like, house in the suburbs, you know, and it's a family who's celebrating Christmas. And my initial thought here was that it was like, the day before Christmas, because what happens next is one of the uncles, or like, I don't know, this guy in the family-

C: Grandfather?

G: I don't know. Is he a grandpa? The grandfather puts on a Santa costume, and like, does this whole thing where he like, calls in a way the little kid so that the little kid can see him, but he pretends that the little kid is not there, and he like, places the gifts, blah blah blah. And then sounds kept happening on the roof, and the kid is like, “Oh my god! The reindeers! They're coming to get Santa!” And but really, it's a monster. What happens is the guy gets taken by monsters up the roof, up the chimney. And he like, gets like, decapitated, or whatever. Like, he gets torn to pieces. It's implied that he gets torn to pieces because the scene ends with like, a foot falling down the chimney.

C: Yep, and it's blood-crusted.

G: Yeah. Dry blood. So that's fun. And apparently, it's revealed later that this was three days or like, four days before Christmas, I guess, which is so funny to me. Like, [laughing] why are you as a man dressing up as Santa Claus five days before Christmas?

C: But I feel like this scene does have- Oh, okay. It says in the opening thing, it says it was Seattle, Washington, one year ago.

G: Ohh. Well, we're stupid. [laughs]

C: Present day, it's five days before Christmas. But this scene happened a year ago.

G: On Christmas Day.

C: Yes.

G: Well, there goes my whole, "Why is he dressing up as Santa Claus before Christmas Eve?" But yeah.

C: It's Christmas. He's just being a good grandfather.

G: Yeah. And he’s dead now. RIP grandpa.

C: RIP to that guy.

So the title card looks like shit.

G: Yeah. [laughs] It looks absolutely horrendous.

C: There's what, like, badly Photoshopped clip art, like, Santa hats and candy canes around it.

G: I mean, I think it's supposed to be intentional. Like, it's not supposed to be pretty.

C: Yeah, it's supposed to be cartoony fun or whatever.

G: Yeah, but it is still ugly even at those standards, I feel like.

C: Yeah.

G: Yeah. I love this episode because of the whole Christmas theme, and-

C: Is Christmas a- is that a big thing for you?

G: Oh my god, Crystal, I'm Filipino! [laughs]

C: Yeah, that tracks.

G: It's very big! It's very big. I don't know if this is like, actually something that is recorded in some way or like, it's something people just say here, but like, the thing people say is that the Philippines has the longest Christmas season in the whole world. Because we start celebrating Christmas as soon as the "ber" months drop, and then, like, until February, so like, it's fun.

C: Until February?

G: Yeah. It's very-

C: It passed! It's over!

G: It concerns me that other countries have this like, Boxing Day, where it's like, the day after Christmas, and then they pack up the Christmas stuff. Once, we had an actual Christmas tree- like the beautiful one, the tree from like- yeah, the actual tree, and we did not put that down until my dad's birthday in March. [both laugh] Like, it was dry.

C: Oh, like it was an alive tree? It wasn't plastic?

G: It was an alive tree. It was an alive tree.

C: Nice.

G: We got it- the reasoning was like, we were not able to put it up early, because like, the alive tree comes from like, somewhere else. So it like, arrives in our house like, a couple of days before Christmas. So we're like, “Let's just keep it up for three more months. It's fine."

C: Yeah, that makes sense.

G: That was so difficult to dispose. ‘Cause, like, we don't have alive trees in the Philippines like, for Christmas. For obvious reasons. It's a tropical country. But yeah, that was so hard to dispose.

C: Yeah, I think we keep ours up like, until mid-January. So that's a little bit after.

G: Yeah. Christmas is super big here, and I love Christmas episodes because of that, because I'm like, “Oh, you’re just like me for real!” And I think that's a big reason why I got super emotional towards the end. Because, like, don't, you feel like every time you go on a holiday, and you're like, “Oh my god! The mortality is looming over everything. Because, like, who knows if next year, we’ll all be together like this, because someone might die.” So like, I felt very emotional.

C: Yeah. I mean Christmas isn't that big for me anymore. But like, when I was a kid, definitely, I feel like this would have hit quite hard.

C: Okay. So now we cut to the present day, and we're in Ipsilanti, Michigan, which is a city/town that I know of, because there's a Sufjan Stevens song about it, which is a good song. I recommend it. So there's someone being interviewed. There's some woman who- her husband got kidnapped or whatever, and Sam and Dean are interviewing her about the situation. And, you know, she's not doing well, 'cause she's like, “If he was kidnapped, then why wasn't there a ransom demanded? Why is he just gone?” And she's like, “It's three days till Christmas! What am I supposed to tell our daughter?” And Sam just goes, “We're very sorry.” [laughs] And then leaves.

G: He literally said, “That's not our problem!” [G laughs]

C: Yeah, like, "RIP to you, but I'm different." And we also find out that they found a tooth inside of the chimney. So, you know, something dragged him up the chimney, and he definitely died mid-drag.

So they're inside a motel, and Sam has basically a red yarn wall of photos of demons all around him. And he's looking up, like, I don't know. “Crampus,” “evil Santa.” Like, I don't know what his Google search terms are for these images. And yeah, Dean comes in. Sam makes a Mary Poppins reference where he says that it's a serial-killing chimney sweep named Dick Van Dyke. Great name, of course.

G: Yes.

C: And Dean doesn't know this reference. Like which, I think maybe- I know we made fun of him a lot in “Bedtime Stories,” but maybe the fact that the two things that he doesn't know are like, children's media implies that, I don't know. I don't know. What do Deangirls say?

G: "He never had a childhood." [laughs]

C: Yeah, that Sam got a childhood that Dean never got, and Sam was John's favorite, and John cuddled him and showed him Disney movies, and then he yelled at Dean to go clean a gun. [laughing] Like, you know, whatever imaginary childhood Deangirls created for him.

G: To be fair, I also don't know who Dick Van Dyke is. Like, I know the name, because of all the jokes, but, like, I don't know who he is. I know he’s in Mary Poppins, and he has an ugly English accent, but I knew that after. So like, prior to the whole-

C: [laughing] Do you use "ugly English accent" to mean Cockney?

G: [laughing] No! I mean, like, his accent was bad in the Mary Poppins movie.

C: Yeah, I don't remember his accent. I mean, I actually didn't watch the Mary Poppins movie, I just know, like, maybe a tiny bit about it, because when I was a kid, I read Julie Andrews autobiography or something instead of watching Mary Poppins. But yeah, I don't know. Well, Sam has seen it, and he and Dean are always in the same room, so I don't know. Weird. Who knows? This may have been another situation where Sam was like, “I want to watch Mary Poppins 'cause I think Julie Andrews is a good singer,” and Dean went, “Okay, homo,” and then went over to the bathroom to cover his ears.

G: There's so many “Okay, homo” scenes [both] in this episode! [both laughing]

C: [laughing] There's so many!

G: Literally, “Okay, homo.” [C laughs]

C: Yeah. So basically, Dean has found out that someone else got kidnapped this month, and he also got dragged up the chimney. And Sam goes, “I have an idea, but it's gonna sound crazy,” and Dean's like, “What could sound crazy to me?” Sam says, “Evil Santa,” and Dean says, “That is crazy.” Which, is it? Is it? They've dealt with weird shit before.

G: Yeah, I mean, I don't know what's wrong with these guys, but they treat it like it's super weird, because, like, [dramatically] "How can there be evil Santa if there's no good Santa?" Also, Sam says his iconic line “every culture," baby! "Every culture”! “There's an anti-Santa in every culture”! [laughs]

C: Which is so funny, 'cause that implies that there is like, a non-anti-Santa in every culture.

G: I love that.

C: There's a Santa in like, five cultures, like, max, I think.

G: Love that. Which, you know, is it too late to start an “every culture” count? Maybe we can like, look back-

C: - in our transcripts for the word "culture"?

G: Yeah, exactly. I think we should start.

C: We could do that. We could. But my laptop doesn't work right now, so I-

G: No, let's start it next time he says “every culture.” So look forward to that, BABPod listeners

C: So Sam says his whole “every culture” line, because, you know, there's a lot of evil Santas, and like, he gives three examples. He goes, "There's all sorts of lore." He also says, “That's what the lore says" at one point. So real.

G: Yeah. And it's fascinating to me that he was like, “In every culture, there's an anti-Claus. Also, the only way that this anti-Claus shows up in every single culture is that he's the brother of Santa.” [both laughing]

C: Out of Sam and Dean, who's Santa and who's the evil Santa?

G: I think Sam should be the evil Santa, just for funsies.

C: Yeah, just for funsies.

G: I feel like- I feel like Sam is a bit more judgmental, so like, he'll be able to be more petty in terms of the naughty or nice list.

C: Right. So you think he would go around and punish the bad kids? I mean, I feel like Dean's track record with children and mean- I think Dean's meaner to children, and I feel like Dean might have a more punish-y mindset. But I don't know. Sam's views on justice are also strange.

G: Oh my god. There's this one episode of Supernatural where they end up in a high school, remember that?

C: Oh, and Dean sexually harasses teenage girls or something.

G: No!

C: Don't they make a comment about lockers?

G: No. I have no idea, and if you're right, I'm gonna be so sad.

G: No, it's I I I have no idea. And if you're right, I'm gonna be so sad. But what I remember is, they're playing dodgeball, and he like, throws a ball at some kid, and the kid like, doubles over. So.

C: [laughing] Oh no! Yeah, I think Dean's gotta be the evil Santa.

So Dean goes like, “Santa doesn't have a brother. There is no Santa.” And Sam says, [sadly] “Yeah, I know. You're the one who told me that in the first place, remember?" [both laughing]

G: [laughing] And the way-

C: [laughing] There's such a long, sad look between them. Like, I get that's because it happened on a really bad night. Like, it was bundled with a lot of things. But in this moment, it's hilarious.

G: I laughed out loud. Like, the moment that scene happened, I was like, "This is my type of Supernatural episode." Like, after they explained it later that, like, the reason why he learned of Santa is fake is because blah blah blah blah blah blah, it's a miserable night, I was like, "Ugh, dammit." [C laughs] I wish it was just Dean told him one day, "Yeah, Santa doesn't exist," and Sam internalized it as a super lonely moment.

C: Yeah. [laughs] How did you learn that Santa didn't exist?

G: Oh, I never believed in Santa.

C: Oh, that's good.

G: I didn't receive gifts for Christmas from my parents, because we were not like, rich when I was young. But now we're rich, and I have a little sister.

C: Right, so she's getting the Santa mythology.

G: So she gets the gifts, but she doesn't get the Santa. It's like, my parents are still like, “We got that for you. There's no Santa.” And like, they don't want Santa to get-

C: The credit? [both laughing] Yeah. That makes sense. I think in fourth grade, you know, there were all these awful rumors going around my classroom that Santa wasn't real, and I went on like, a two-hour Googling spree about it, and I think I was literally crying by the end. [both laughing]

G: Nooo! Ah!

C: And then, you know, I immediately turned that around by- when my sister was 12 and still believed in Santa, I told her, and then she was crying. [laughs]

G: That is amazing.

C: And that's what generational trauma is. [both laugh]

G: That's actually like, so fascinating to me. You actually did believe it?

C: Yes.

G: That's so wonderful. That's fascinating

C: Because my sister and I would devise little tests, right? Like we would like, write a note to Santa, and then, like, hide it somewhere. We were like, “Our parents will never find this!" And then we would get a response, and we'd be like, “Oh my god! That was Santa for real. He just happens to have my mom's handwriting? Wow!”

G: You parents put so much effort to give you such a magical childhood. That's wonderful.

C: Yeah, they really did. I appreciate it.

G: I don't know, actually, if my little sister believes it. Because, like, my parents are like, “Oh, we got that for you.” But like, she still jokes around like, “Oh, it's from Santa!” you know? I think there's a part of her that still believes. Like, for example, one time she wrote a note that was like, “I want a little kitten for Christmas.” And then, like a couple of months later, we got a kitten, and she was like, “This is Santa's gift for me in the middle of summer!” [C laughs] So.

C: That's great.

G: Yeah. It's a magical thing.

C: It sure is.

C: And so Dean tells Sam that both victims visited the same Santa's village location before they got kidnapped, so they head there.

G: Yeah. So they go to a Santa village, and I was- this is part of the plot that, like, it's like, the middle of summer. It looks like it's the middle of summer, right? It's part of the plot, but like, I didn't know it at this point. So I was like, "Goddamn, they're not even trying anymore." Like, they're not even trying to make this look festive. And like, maybe it's supposed to look dingy, but like, throw a little something in there. But they do acknowledge it that, like, “If we're paying this much money, they should have gotten fake snow.” And they paid ten dollars? That's insane.

C: Yeah, that's a lot of money.

G: To get into that shittyass place. [C laughs] But they enter. And Sam is like, just walking around. They're just bantering. And then Dean goes forth and leaves Sam behind, and he sees a reindeer and gets a flashback. And the funny thing is, there's no reindeer in the flashback.

C: [laughing] Yeah!

G: What triggers this? He saw a reindeer, and he was like, “Huh. Remember when I had an event in my life that had no reindeers whatsoever?”

C: It's a great angle where he's just staring down the reindeer.

G: It's funny, because it looks like the start of a comedic scene, and then you get the saddest flashback of your life. [both laugh]

C: It really is. Also, like, earlier, when Sam and Dean are arguing, I think Dean says, “We had some great Christmases,” and Sam says, “Whose childhood are you talking about?” And I liked that exchange a lot. I like the very different ways that they experienced their shitty childhood and the various ways that they've chosen to process them.

G: Mm-hm. Yeah, so in the flashback, it's 1991, Christmas eve, and Dean is like 12, and Sam is, you know, four years younger. And Sam is wrapping up a present for John in newspaper. And Dean asked, “Where did you get the money?” and he's like, “No, I didn't steal the money. I got this from Uncle Bobby, and he said it was a special gift.”

C: Aww. That's sweet. Do you think Bobby gave it to Sam to have?

G: No, he said specifically that he gave it to Sam to give to John.

C: Oh, I see.

G: Maybe Sam was like, “I want to give my dad a present,” and Bobby was like, “Here we go. Here's something you can give him.” Also, I'm very curious about this. If he didn't know at this point that they were doing hunting, how is Bobby explained to him? "Here's our dad's my best friend who happens to have a house full of occult objects and guns."

C: Yeah, you know. "He's just got some weird hyperfixations. Don't bother him about it."

G: “Our dad's boyfriend is so weird!” [C laughing]

C: Yeah, no, 'cause in- sorry to talk about Interview With the Vampire- [G laughs] but in Interview With the Vampire, Claudia calls Louis “Daddy Lou,” and she calls his boyfriend Lestat “Uncle Les.” So yeah, "uncle" does mean your dad's boyfriend in this situation.

G: Yeah. Oh my god! When they were younger, they called Bobby "Uncle Bobby"! That's so sweet. That's so sweet. Yeah.

Is that common? Like, at what age do you outgrow the “uncle”?

C: Huh, I don't know, because I feel like most of my parents’ friends are Chinese, so I call them “shushu” or “aiyi,” which I guess means aunt or uncle. But I don't know what like, the English terms that people use for their friends parents' are.

G: I think people just say first names, right, in the US?

C: Like- even if they/re a generation above you?

G: For me, like, you're one year older, you already have something before your name, you know? So like I don't- It makes me uneasy to think that like, someone's older and I just say, “Hey, Bobby." [laughing] Like, that doesn't fly! What are you doing?

C: Yeah, I mean. I guess I did call like, my fifty-year-old coworkers and stuff by their first names over the summer.

G: Oh my god. That's the weirdest thing about having a job. Like, you call your coworkers, who are all older than you, by their first name. Your boss, you call- like, why am I not calling you, sir? This is so weird.

C: Yeah. I feel like professors go by their first names, too, now. It's strange. But I've gotten used to it mostly, I think.

G: What happens next? And Sam asks whether John is going to be around for Christmas, and Dean’s like, “Oh, yeah, he's going to be. Of course he is. He's just on business right now.” And Sam is questioning, "What kind of stuff? What kind of business?" and Dean just evades every question and Sam goes, “Nobody ever tells me anything!” which did make me so sad. Because you ever feel like that? You ever feel like nobody tells you anything? I feel like that's a common experience for people who are like, younger in the family. Like, “I'm so stupid because nobody tells me anything!” And I relate to Sam in that way. So I felt an emotion, a singular emotion, in this scene.

C: I don’t know how much I relate, but it did make me very sad.

G: Yeah, it's sad. And Sam like, keeps on asking like, “Is Dad a spy?” And Dean goes, “Yeah, he's James Bond.” And he asks, like, “Why do we keep moving around so much?” And Dean goes, “Yeah, because everybody is so fucking sick of you and your face. That's why we keep moving around.” [C laughs] He's so mean. And at some point, he shouts at Sam, and like, I get that if you are around each other that much, you are gonna shout at each other, and it's gonna get miserable. But like, because, like he's older like, I feel like you should, you know, control yourself a little bit more. Stuff like that. Try to be the bigger person.

C: My main thought-

G: What's your main thought.

C: My main thought during this scene, "Aw, it's sweet when child actors try to be angry." [laughs]

G: Aww, he's angy!

C: He's angy!

G: He's trying to be angy!

C: [high-pitched] "Don't ever talk about Mom again!"

G: Yeah, that's what happens next. Sam goes, "Is that why we never talk about..."

C: Dun-dun-dun-

G: "... Mom?" And then Dean goes, “Don’t ever talk about Mom again!” [C laughs] And then he storms out the room and says that he's going out, and he leaves, and that's the end of our first flashback.

C: Yeah. Baby Sam is so cute. I know I said this the last time we saw him.

G: He is so important to me.

C: He really is. And it's a different actor in this one.

G: That's Sam. He's literally Sam. This one is literally Sam.

C: What's his name? Like Colin-

G: Colin Ford?

C: Yeah. Yeah. This is literally him.

G: There's this one- oh, no, I think this is the Dean guy who was like, he's twenty-six the day the show ended or something like that. And that was super fun. Because he's twenty-six, dude!

C: Aw, yeah.

G: Dean comes back, Sam gets snapped out of his memories, and they go to this guy who's wearing a Santa costume. And they're making this guy out to be a creep.

C: Yeah.

G: I feel bad for Santas, because, like, they are made out to be creeps, I feel like. Mall Santas. They're just doing their job! They're being paid to do it. But I don't know. Maybe I'm too naive. What happens is there's a kid there, and then he goes to Santa, and Santa is like, “Oh, are you good this year? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.” Fun! And somebody approaches Sam and Dean like, “Do you have any kids? We'll take the kids, and we'll put them on Santa's lap!" [C laughs] And Dean says like, [both laughing] “No, but my brother here, it's his lifelong dream." And the woman goes, “No children above twelve, please!”

C: It's so good.

G: "No children above twelve." So real.

C: And she pauses before twelve, like she's trying to figure out how old Sam is. And she's like, "He's probably at least thirteen."

G: Yeah, maybe he's just a really tall thirteen-year-old.

C: Yeah.

G: And Sam goes like, “No, he's just kidding. We came here to watch.” [C laughs] And then, like, the woman takes this very poorly, and she's like, “Oh, you creep!” Yeah.

And yeah. Sam and Dean end up following the guy because he had a smell to him. Like, he smelled like candy, and apparently that's like, a sign of the monster they're hunting. So they follow him to his RV.

C: Or his house, I think.

G: Is that a house?

C: It's just small.

G: Okay. [laughs] I'm so judgmental. I'm like, "If your house is small, it must be an RV." Yeah. But they follow him to his house.

C: Yeah. So they're spying on him, and Dean starts going like, “Hey, Sam, why do you hate Christmas so much? Like we had a few bumpy holidays when we were kids…” And Sam goes, “Bumpy?” So yeah, more of that. And Dean says like, “That was then. We'll do it right this year.” And Sam says that he just doesn't really want to be involved in Christmas this year. Dean can do it himself. And, you know, Dean's like, "Well, that will suck and be lonely." So inside of the house they hear like, a woman yell or something. And because they haven't seen Home Alone, they don't understand this is a television. So they run into the house with their guns. Sam cracks a joke about how, “Oh, you love Christmas so much, but you're gonna have to kill Santa.”

G: You don't know this guy's evil? [laughs]

C: Yeah, geez.

G: You're literally busting in, guns blazing.

C: I know, right? They go in, and this guy is not torturing anybody. He's just on his couch with a gigantic bong. Like, this one puts Andy's to shame, honestly, I think. And he's watching some like, Christmas-themed porn, I think.

G: [laughs] Yeah.

C: And the Santa guy goes like, “What the fuck are you doing here?” And they try to come up with an excuse. [laughing] And then Dean starts singing “Silent Night” to pretend to be a choru- why did I forget the-

G: Caroler.

C: Caroler. Yeah.

G: Is caroling a big deal in the US?

C: It's never like, happened, like, around me.

G: It never?

C: Oh, I think when I was in choir in high school, actually, I think we did go caroling once.

G: House to house?

C: No, it wasn't house to house. That felt way too intrusive. I think it was just like, in areas with shops. [G laughs]

G: Caroling is a very big deal here. Yeah, I mean, like, when you're a kid you go caroling, and it's like, super fun. And you have maracas, and like the thing, and you sing outside with maracas. And it's always a treat, because the people who are rich in the households in the neighborhood give you tons of money. So super fun.

C: Oh, nice! You get money for caroling?

G: Yeah, that's the whole point! And, like the songs are like, it's a mix of like- It's not like "Carol of the Bells," but like, it's like, Filipino Christmas songs, right? And then you sing those, and some of them are like, literally like, asking for money, and then, like, they give you money, and then you have a special song for after they give you the money.

C: Like, “Thanks for giving me money” song?

G: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

C: That is fun.

G: It's like, [singsong] “Thank you / thank you / thank you very much / thank you." That's the song.

C: So true.

G: And then like, if they don't give you money, there's a song that you sing also. [both laughing] And it's like, “You're such a cheapskate, you horrible person,” like that's the message of the song. It's in Filipino, so I can't sing it, but like, it's wonderful. I love it so much.

C: Yeah, they are caroling songs in English that demand that you give them figgy pudding?

G: Figgy pudding, yeah.

C: But I don't know what figgy pudding is.

G: Mm-hm. I love caroling and and like, it's one of the most miserable things when the pandemic started, and, like, it kind of died down. And it was around the time that my little sister was at caroling age. So she still hasn't gone caroling ever! That's so sad.

C: That is sad.

G: But we plan to take her this year.

C: That's nice. Yeah, I feel like caroling's only a thing I see in Hallmark movies and also in Love Hard. [laughs]

G: Love Hard! [both laughing] A movie that we hate so much we made a whole Ko-Fi bonus episode about it.

C: Yup.

G: Check it out!

C: Yeah. Oh, and my ex-fiancee booed at this scene because she called it "a preview to Radio Company."

G: [laughing] Oh, no! I mean, they're making it sound horrible on purpose.

C: Yeah. He's a bad singer. And later, when Jensen Ackles wants to promote his band, Dean suddenly becomes a good singer-

G: He's still a terrible singer. "Just the good ol' boys."

C: Didn't he do karaoke with Lee?

G: Yeah. That's the song. I literally just sang it.

C: Nice. Yeah. Was he good or bad in that one?

G: I mean, he's singing as Jensen Ackles, and I wish he would stop, you know. I wish he wouldn't.

C: Yeah. Same.

G: So as they stop singing “Silent Night,” actual “Silent Night” starts playing, and we go to a house that's Christmassy, blah blah blah! And there's a little kid, and he's walking down the stairs, and he's like, “Santa? Santa?” because there's sounds on the chimney. And then somebody gets out of the chimney, and it's this like, bloody guy. And he- this scene, by the way is so long. It's so long. He goes upstairs. There's shouting in the room. He grabs someone who's like, wriggling for their life, and he takes this person down the stairs, and then all throughout like, “Silent Night” is playing. And there's a scene where he goes up to the kid, and the kid is terrified. Like most of the scene, the kid is confused, but this one scene, he's terrified because Santa’s leaning towards him, and then what he's actually doing is reaching out for the cookies. And then he eats it, and he takes the dad away. And this kid is traumatized for life.

C: Yeah, sorry, kid. Also, we don't see this like, evil Santa guy’s face. We just see, like, the clawed red hand. Okay, I'm kind of confused about this because we don't- when we find out who the monster of the week is, like, they don't look like that, and we don't see them transform, right? So like, who is it?

G: I think this guy is just in a costume.

C: Okay, including the red clawed hand? It's a costume?

G: Maybe- I mean, there's moments in the later on where they're like, you know, Sam lights a flashlight at them, and like, the guy turns a different face.

C: Oh, okay.

G: So maybe- there's hints of that going on.

C: Okay. I was playing scrabble with my ex-fiancee while watching this, so [laughs] I probably missed that part.

G: Did you win? Did you win?

C: Oh, we don't keep track of points.

G: Boo!

C: We win if we're able to use all the letters in the bag and actually spell out valid words throughout the board.

G: Boo. You have to be competitive.

C: I don't want to do math! [G laughs]

G: You're a math major!

C: [laughs] And?

G: [laughs] Prove my point!

C: Yeah. So we have Dean questioning the family that got attacked earlier. Do they ever explain why it's only men who get taken by the gods?

G: They're anti-misogynist.

C: So true. [laughs]

G: No, I think they are supposed to take the woman as well, but it's like, they failed, I feel. Because, like, she was being dragged out of bed, is what she said.

C: That's true. But it said that the attacker just knocked her out and then took her husband so it seemed like she was just attacked to like, keep her not fighting when they took the husband. Because earlier, it was like the grandfather, and they were interviewing a wife whose husband was taken. I don't know. Maybe it's a lore thing.

G: Yeah.

C: Yeah. So you know, she got dragged out of bed. She got knocked out. Her husband got kidnapped, or whatever. And, you know, she's having a terrible time. And Sam goes, “Oh, hey! Where'd you get that wreath above the fireplace?” And she's incredibly offended that he would ask about that during the worst day of her life. And Sam’s just like, “Yeah, sorry. Just curious, you know.” And then, when they go outside [laughing]-

G:[laughing] Dean goes, "What, you want to look at her shoes next? There's handbags there, too." He's so homophobic!

C: He's so homophobic. He is absolutely calling him gay here. Yowch.

G: But you know what? Sam's gayness got them something, because that wreath is also the wreath from the other house the other day.

C: Yup.

G: So, go, gay boy, go.

C: Go, gay boy, go.

And Dean was like, [embarrassed] “Oh, yeah, I noticed that. I was just like, making fun of you, you know, like, whatever. I'm a big smart boy, too.” [G laughs]

G: Exactly. So we go back to the motel, and Sam is calling Bobby, and apparently the plants in the wreath are meadowsweet, which is a very powerful plant in the pagan lore. And it's used for like, human sacrifice. So if you put that up your house, it's like. “Look at me! Human sacrifice me now! I want it so bad.” So that's what's happening, and that's why people are getting mauled to death. And Dean expresses surprise at the fact that "Why is it the pagan thing? Isn't Christmas a Jesus holiday?" It's so fascinating-

C: Yeah, he says, "It's Jesus's birthday!"

G: Yeah. He's like, [whiny] "Jesus was born on the 25th! So why are you lying to me, Sam?"

C: Yeah. "In the solar calendar, Sam!"

G: This is so fascinating to me, because, like isn't this something that's taught to you from the get-go? I mean, not taught-

C: I do think a lot of people think that it's Jesus's birthday. But yeah, I feel like it's pretty common knowledge now.

G: Yeah. Maybe, again, maybe it's like a difference in time, and it's like, "Now it's super common, but back then, people were more conservative about the idea of Christmas." [laughs] I don't know. But yeah. It's all Christmas- it's all Pagan, the Santa, the wreaths, the food, blah blah blah. And I like this because Sam like, is revealed to actually know a lot about Christmas. He's like, "Jess was actually born in the fall." Blah blah blah blah! So like, I like that detail because it's like a nice contrast to the fact that he doesn't like Christmas, and also that he knows a lot about it. I think that's neat.

C: Yeah. Okay, wait, was Jesus born in the fall? Because okay, like, it's because of the state of the lambs that- I thought I heard that Jesus was born in the spring because if there were like, new baby lambs when he was born, then that was the spring. I don't know. What have you heard about when Jesus was born?

G: Well, [laughing] he was born on Christmas Day! [both laugh] I don't know anything.

C: Yeah, Jesus Christ our sa-avior was born on Christmas Day. This is true.

G: It's so true. Yeah. I mean, I know nothing about the actual Christmas/Jesus lore. I loove calling Jesus lore "Jesus lore."

C: It literally is.

G: That's what we should call like, all Bible things. Like, Christianity, Catholicism. "It's Bible lore!"

C: Yeah. Is there a Bible fanwiki page?

G: Oh my god! Let's look it up. Bible fanwiki... there has got to be- Yes!

C: Yeah, baby!

G: Bible.fandom.com! Is it good? Is it good? I think it's- it's full of like, people.

C: Sorry, there's a page just called "Beautiful Women." [G laughs] Sorry, it's a category page, and it's under the most popular category pages.

G: Who's in there? Mary Magdalene... Ruth...

C: There's Bathsheba, Rachel-

G: Rachel?

C: Esther, Abishag, Tamar. Yeah.

G: Good for them. I love beautiful women.

C: Where's the unnamed narrator of the Song of Songs? Oh well. We can't have it all.

G: So Sam and Dean go to the Christmas shop, and Dean tells the guy in there that like, “Oh, we were playing Jenga at the Walshes right before one of their people in the family got taken and eaten by a monster! [C laughs] And this guy, Sam, wouldn't shut up about the Christmas wreath! So Sam, go tell him about the Christmas wreath.” I feel like this is also like, "This guy is gay, and isn't that so funny."

C: Oh, definitely. It definitely is. The same way that, like, what was it? In like, “Playthings,” Dean was like, “Oh, yeah, Sam looves dolls. He collects dolls all the time.”

G: Yeah, yeah. He's so mean. But yeah, the shopkeeper is like, “Well, I sell so many of them.” And Sam explains what he's looking for, and the shopkeeper-

C: He says, “It was yummy.”

G: Yeah. [laughs] Why did it say that?

C: I think he's trying to gauge if the shopkeeper is like, the person who's taking people and eating them.

G: Oh, yeah, but he's not. He says that it's sold out already, the wreath. And Sam's like, “Oh, why did you make it with meadowsweet?” And he's like, “I didn't make it. It was this lady from like, somewhere in the neighborhood. She made it and gave it to me for a free.” So they have a new suspect.

C: Yeep.

So they go back to the motel. And yeah, Sam reveals that a meadowsweet wreath would usually cost a couple hundred dollars.

G: I believe that.

C: Is this an extremely rare plant? Or0 whatever. I know that like, proper floral arrangements from a florist can cost like eighty dollars, so I guess that tracks. And Dean says, “Remember that wreath Dad brought home that one year?” And Sam says, “Oh, the one he stole from a liquor store?” which I think it's the only cool thing that John has ever done. [both laugh]

G: Yeah, apparently, it's made of beer cans.

C: Yeah, yeah. And Dean is very fond of it. He wants to find one just like it. But this is not so much a fond memory for Sam. He asks Dean, like, “Why do you care so bad about Christmas right now?” And Dean’s like, “Why are you so against it? Were your childhood memories that traumatic?” And, you know, Sam says, “No, that's not it. It's just that you like, usually don't care about Christmas.” And Dean says, “Well, yeah, this is my last year.”

G: Ahhhhhhh.

C: And Sam says like, “Yeah, I know, which is why I can't do Christmas. Because it's would be really difficult for me to like, have a celebration and pretend everything's okay when I know that next Christmas, you'll be dead.” And both of them just sit there, being sad. And then we get a flashback, baby!

G: Sam is like, sitting on the couch, waiting for Dean to come home in the motel room that is their home at this point. And Dean walks in. He's like, “I got you dinner.” And Sam tells him, “I know you keep a gun under your pillow.” And Dean looks at the gun under his pillow, and-

C: [laughing] He's like, “No, I don't!"

G: "No, I don't! Look at this gun I'm looking at right now. It's not there, and I don't keep a gun under my pillow." But he basically says like, "Don't don't look at my stuff." And Sam says, “I know what Dad does too,” and then he takes out the journal, and he hands it over to Dean. And Dean is like, "Why did you read that? You shouldn't have."

C: "- read Dad's diary."

G: Yeah, Dad's diary. And Sam asks, “Are monsters real?” and then Dean goes gaslight gatekeep girlboss-

C: Yeah, for real!

G: - “You're fucking crazy.”

C: [laughing] God.

G: And Sam’s like, “No, just be honest with me. Just tell me.” And Dean goes, “Okay. I'll tell you. But don't tell Dad I told you. Monsters are real, and Dad is a hero. He's super cool. He's the coolest guy on earth."

C: Boo.

G: "He hunts them down and kills them.”

C: Also, like, Dean says, “If Dad finds out that you read his journal, [both] he's gonna kick your ass." And then he says, “I'll kick your ass if you tell Dad that I told you about monsters.” It's just sad that corporal punishment is such a thing in their childhoods.

G: Yeah. And Dean is like, “Yeah, monsters are real.” And Sam’s like, wait, “Why would monsters be real if Dad keeps on saying that the monsters under my bed are not real?” And Dean is like, “Yeah, because he already checked under your bed. So he knows they're not real this time.” And Sam asks about Mary because he read about-

C: Hold on. You forgot the "Is Santa real?" thing. That was the whole point of this.

G: [laughing] Noo! Then he asks, "Is Santa real?" and Dean goes, "No. Santa isn't real." [C laughs] He's eight years old. I feel like this is an appropriate time to learn that Santa is not real. But according to you, this is a super big deal, so like, maybe not.

C: [laughing] It was a big deal

G: [laughs] God. And then- like, the thing is, it's not just me. I don't know anyone in my life who believes in Santa.

C: Oh, yeah, no, I was definitely- like, my sister was probably one of the latest people to know that Santa wasn't real. And then, yeah, I feel like I was also pretty late in the game, but my parents were like, just really good at keeping it up, I guess. They were like, "We'll tell you some more about Santa when you're fifteen.” They said "When you're fifteen." They were planning to hold out until I was fifteen. [G laughing]

G: You're like, a full grown person at age fifteen. Like, you are a human being at that point.

C: Children are also human beings [G laughs], but yes, like, right, the logic centers of my brain or whatever.

G: Yeah, you're able to grasp shit at that point. So maybe that's why they were waiting until fifteen.

C: [laughing] That's still- that's really late.

G: Yeah. And Sam asks about Mary, and, "They got Mom, right?" And he says, “If they got Mom, they could get Dad. They could get us.” And Dean keeps reassuring him. But he keeps repeating this, like, "They could get us. They could get Dad. 'Cause they got Mom." And then Dean just reassures him that "Dad's gonna be fine. He's all right. We're gonna be all right, and Dad's gonna be here for Christmas." So Sam goes, "I want to go to sleep!" And then he goes to sleep crying, and the whole time I was like, "Why are you crying?" And I get that this is like, a big deal for him, and it's an emotional moment. But like, stop crying, you're such a loser, Sam!

C: Noo! No! He's eight! He's a little baby!

G: Maybe he doesn't look eight. Maybe because he looks older than eight and like, I fail to, you know, like, see him as a kid. Because he looks like, eleven, like, maybe twelve.

C: Okay, you have a six-year-old sister so you know what little kids look like. I have not seen a child in so long. Like, I'll see a nineteen-year-old playing a fourteen-year-old, and I'll be like, “Yeah, that's a fourteen-year-old. That's what they look like.”

G: Yeah, perhaps. Maybe I am like, the special case of someone who knows what children look like.

C: Yeah, exactly. Like, to me, Sam's definitely eight.

G: He's eight in spirit.

C: And it's very sad. I mean, okay, like, if you found out- f you, as a full-grown adult like, found out that monsters were like, for sure, one hundred percent real, and killed your mom like, wouldn't that be upsetting? Like wouldn't that be a little bit scawy? [G laughs]

G: I think, like, the fear of that "It's gonna get our dad!" and he obviously loves John because he's, you know, he wants to give him a gift-

C: Yeah, right, and John's out there hunting, like, right now.

G: Yeah. And it's really brings up the idea that like, maybe hunting is selfish because you're putting like, so much stress to the people around you who know about it, you know, stuff like that. Maybe.

C: Does Dean- I know that Dean doesn't believe John will be back for Christmas. But does he believe any of the other stuff he's saying?

G: I think he believes that John will be back for Christmas, honestly.

C: Wait, really? Oh.

G: Yeah, I think he genuinely believed. And then, when he figured out that like, it's not going to happen, he just stole presents.

C: Aw, that's so sad.

G: Because, like- you think this entire time he was like, “Dad's not gonna be here”? I feel like if Dad was not gonna be here, he's gonna be like, "No, Dad's not gonna be here." Like, he's not gonna lie to Sam. So I do believe that he believed-

C: He lied to Sam a lot this episode. [G laughs]

G: No, but about that? You think he'd lie about John arriving home for Christmas?

C: Yeah! I think he would.

G: But like, the lie doesn't fly, because Sam will know eventually.

C: Well, later, John doesn't show up, and Dean does lie about it. He says, “He was here while you were asleep.”

G: Well, to me, he did believe it. And then, like, he also was disappointed.

C: Okay, yeah, I get that, I guess, because he says like, “Oh, he'll be back, just like he was back last time,” or “He's always back,” right? Doesn't he say something like that.

G: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

C: So maybe he does believe that Christmas is a special day where John doesn't abandon them in motel rooms, and then he was proven wrong on this one day.

G: Yeah.

C: Yeah. Do you think Dean believes that they're safe from the monsters?

G: I think I think he really believes that John is like, a good hunter, etc. etc.

C: Okay. But what happened in "Something Wicked" happened before this, right?

G: Yeah. The shtriga, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

C: So Sam just doesn't remember being literally attacked by a monster already.

G: He did not see the monster.

C: He was asleep?

G: He was asleep, yeah.

C: But, like afterwards, John was all being like, he was being like, very overprotective, and clearly, something had happened. But I don't know, when you're like, five, you don't remember anything.

G: Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

C: Yeah, all right. Well, poor kids.

C: We cut to Sam and Dean going to the house of the person who made the wreath. So they knock. And it's like, this Hallmark old people couple where they're like, white people with like, specific outfits and ways of talking that I feel like stopped being in real life for like, perhaps a few decades before this episode aired, maybe. They're very Hallmark.

G: Yeah, 1950s, maybe.

C: Yeah, yeah. So they're like, “Hi, like we just came over because we thought your wreaths were so neat. And you sold out of all of them before we could get one, so could we get another one from you?” And she's like, “Aw, no.” And they ask about the meadowsweet, and she just says, “Oh, it smells really nice,” blah blah blah. And then her husband comes over. He offers them some food. Dean reaches for it, and Sam slaps his hand away. [laughs] And they go back to the motel, where Dean is like, sharpening up some wooden stake, and Sam reveals that the people who live in the house, the Carrigans, they lived in Seattle before this year, which is where our opening kidnapping happened. And also, he noticed that there was a lot of pagan stuff inside of their house, and also, all their furniture is covered in plastic.

G: Yeah. Fun stuff. I think that's a very nice detail that their couch is covered in plastic.

C: Right. Like, they are not living here the way that most people would live in a place. Also, the wooden stakes are evergreen specifically, because that's what Bobby said would get them.

G: Yeah, and like, this gif is like- I think there's a post floating around that's like, “He's sharpening this stake, and then none of the wood shavings are going into the bucket underneath." [C laughs] And it's like, it looks so stupid because there's just wood everywhere except for the trash bin. Love that.

C: Yeah, are there like, outsider POV fics about like, the people have to clean the motels after Sam and Dean leave?

G: There should be. There should be like. I want them to go back to season 1, and like, the person who's cleaning- I know they discover like, John's room, but like, the person who has to clean that, I want to know his perspective. I want to know their perspective.

C: Yeah. There should be an episode where there's like, ghost of Christmas past, present, and future for them, and, like, the whole point is “clean your motel rooms before you leave.” [G laughs]

G: I mean, there's actually one episode right, “Lebanon,” that was supposed to be like-

C: An outsider POV?

G: - an outside perspective, which I wish they did that. I wish JDM wasn't available, or some other shit. That would have fucked so good. [C laughing] No, that's not how people say- Fucked so hard? That's it, yeah.

C: Yeah. I mean-

G: Anyway-

C: - everyone fucks better when JDM isn't available. [G laughs]

G: I love how you said that so quickly, like you're trying to get it in before I say my next sentence. [C laughs]

C: Yeah.

G: Yeah.

Okay. So finally, Sam and Dean go to the Carrigan house, and as they enter, they see the couch, and it is covered in plastic, and Dean is like, “See, it's covered in plastic,” and then they go down to the basement which Sam finds, and there's blood everywhere. There's like, weird shit. There's a bag of a person that's like, still alive. They don't update us on this person ever again.

C: Yeah, I don't even know if they rescue this person. [both laugh]

G: I mean, I sure hope they did. But also, there's a strong suggestion that they just forgot about him.

C: Yeah, 'cause they were- 'cause Sam was like, “Gotta run back and put up the Christmas decorations!” Meanwhile, a man is dying.

G: Yeah. Anyway, Sam gets attacked by the lady, and Dean gets attacked by the guy, and, like, the guy like, smashes his head against the wall, and then the lady smashes Sam's head against the wall. But before that, Sam flashes a flashlight at the guy, and the guy kind of changes appearance. So it's like, “Ooh, they're monsters.” But yeah, they pass out, and they wake up, and they're tied down to chairs back-to-back in a kitchen, like a dining hall, and the two people are like, walking around with bowls and shit and tools, and they're like, talking about how they're Pagan gods, and it's so horrible because people don't respect them anymore. And there was a time where they ate millions, or something, or thousands, or something. And now they just eat five, and isn't that so swell? You know what it is? Good for them.

C: Yeah, honestly, I feel like they're doing pretty well. If you have to eat five people a year to survive, I don't know, eat five people a year to survive.

G: Yeah. Your Interview With the Vampire tendencies are coming out. [C laughs]

C: Right. Okay, also, doesn't the man tells Sam, “Oh, now, don't get all wet.” [laughing] What does that mean? What does it mean?

G: Maybe that's like, a turn of phrase back in the day.

C: Yeah, 'cause they're old-timey?

G: Yeah. Anyway, they start doing the ritual, which is like, they put the meadowsweet wreaths around their necks, and they like, slice their arm, and then they get one of Sam's fingernails. It's such a graphic scene.

C: Yeah, you see it the whole time. They do not cut away at all. It's really good.

G: And then they're about to get Dean’s teeth- well, tooth, I guess- when somebody doorbells.

C: Which was so rude. Like, me and my ex-fiancee booed that Sam has to suffer the fingernail removal when Dean gets to keep his teeth. Like, okay.

G: I mean the fingernail will grow back. The tooth will not.

C: Yeah, and you can go to a dentist.

G: To get a crown? For a thousand dollars?

C: They could meet Garth- They could've met Garth earlier. Garth would've given it to Dean for free. We would have had Garth starting from season 3 if they had just allowed that tooth to be taken out of Dean's sad little mouth.

G: Exactly. Does Garth die in Supernatural. No, right?

C: I don't remember.

G: Yeah. I hope he doesn't. I'll be so sad if he dies.

C: Yeah, 'cause he'd go to Purgatory, and that would suck.

G: He'd go to Purgatory, yeah! [laughs] Oh my god, I like, I haven't thought about Supernatural's ending for a long time. And now, right now that you mentioned that he's going to Purgatory, it all just like, came flashing back in my head, and I am so pissed still at the way Supernatural ends. But we'll get to it when we get to it. Right now, we're talking about Season 3, Episode 8: “A Very Supernatural Christmas.”

C: [laughs] We sure are

G: Yeah. And the person in by the door is like, “Oh, here's some fruit cake. Oh, by the way…” and she starts talking about like, randomass things. And they're like, “Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.” And then when they leave, they like, throw the cake on the floor-

C: And stomp on it.

G: Yeah, they stomp on it. They go back to the dining hall. Sam and Dean are not there anymore. Sam and Dean lock the doors on them, and like, keep them there inside by like, I don't know, like blocking the door. Which is so wild to me, because these are Pagan gods.

C: They're gods. But, you know, Sam and Dean are just so muscular,

G: Exactly. And eventually, they go to the Christmas tree. They rip out some branches from it, and there's- and the two escape from the dining hall. They fight, they get stabbed, they die.

C: Oh my god, we totally forgot about the earlier scene when- the woman, like, cuts Dean, and he yells, “Bitch!” at her-

G: Oh my god.

C: - which is so funny.

G: Well, not only that. He yells “Bitch,” and then the lady goes, "Oh, whenever I feel like cursing, I prefer to say fudge," and Dean says like, what is it?

C: He's like, "I'll try to remember that"-

G: "Don't you fudging touch me again. [both] I'll fudging kill you!" I love that.

C: Best scene. Okay. But back to this later scene, which is less funny.

G: No, it's your turn.

C: Oh, okay. So right, they have them locked in and Sam and Dean are- [G laughs]

G: I've already said this. I already said this.

C: Where are we?

G: We're done with the scene. It's like, the epilogue.

C: Wait. You talked about them killing them already?

G: Yeah!

C: [laughing] How did I miss that? Okay, great.

C: So we get to a flashback, you know, of that night. Sam, after crying himself to sleep, Dean wakes him up, and he's all like, “Oh my god! Like, Dad was here, and he brought like, this Christmas tree and these presents.” And Sam goes like, “Why didn’t he try to wake me up?” and Dean goes, “Oh, he tried to, like a thousand times, but you just kept snoring.” He's like, “I told you he would come and give us Christmas.” It's all very sad. Yeah. So Sam runs over to open his gift, and the first one is a Sapphire Barbie, and Dean goes, “Dad probably thinks you're a girl.” Trans Sam rights again.

And Sam literally says, "Shut up," and throws it on the ground. Like, Barbie's fun!

G: It's a Sapphire Barbie doll. That's fucking so expensive.

C: Yeah, like, you don't want it, you can try to sell it.

G: Yeah, Go on eBay, dude.

C: Yeah. And then he opens the other present, and it's like, a stick with like confetti on it, or- it's like a shiny tassel stick. I don't really know what you do with it.

G: It's a baton.

C: Oh, baton, right. And Sam’s like, “These aren't from Dad. He did not come here.” And Dean was like, “Yeah, he did,” but, you know, Sam does not believe him. And he asks Dean where he got all this stuff, and Dean says, oh, he just stole them from like, a nice house on the street. Did he have to break in? How did he do this? Was there a window open?

G: Maybe.

C: Or maybe they were holding a party, and he, like, was able to get in by pretending to be one of the kids’ friends. And then he like, hid them in like, a bag?

G: Are you serious?

C: I don't know.

G: During Christmas? [laughing] You're going to spend your party at somebody else's house?

C: People have Christmas dinner parties, don't they?

G: `Ehh. I don't know. I mean, this is Christmas Eve. Is Christmas Eve a big deal?

C: Oh, kinda, I guess.

G: Yeah, exactly. So like, you spend it in your house.

C: Mm. Sometimes. Yeah. And he goes, “I swear, I didn't know they were chick presents.” [both laugh] So true.

G: Every time Supernatural says “chick,” I’m like, “What a fascinating choice of word!” Truly a fascinating choice for it.

C: Yeah. Truly, truly. And Dean's like, “I prommy Dad would have wanted to be here,” and Sam says, “If he's alive.” [laughs] Soo true.

G: “I've known about Dad being a hunter for five hours, and I now wish for his death.” [C laughs]

C: Yeah, so Dean goes like, “Of course he's alive. He's Dad.” And in the present day, he's literally dead right now. So real.

And Sam hands the present that he wrapped for John to Dean, and he says, “Take this.” And Dean's like, “No, that's for Dad.” And Sam says, “Dad lied to me. I want you to have it.” Aww.

G: He also lied to you!

C: He also lied to you. I guess, in the end, Dean hold the truth, and John has not had that opportunity yet.

G: Yeah.

C: So Dean looks quite touched about this, and he unwraps it, and it's the Samulet!

G: Whoo!

C: And he puts it on.

Okay, what the fuck is the Samulet lore? Did Bobby know it could find God when he gave it to Sam?

G: [laughs] I doubt it. I doubt it.

C: Yeah, okay, okay. And this is a very sweet scene, because in "Something Wicked," which is the only other, like, flashback episode that we get so far, we also see Sam giving Dean the gift in like, the Lucky Charms cereal box right? So-

G: It's his love language!

C: Yeah, this is Sam's love language, at least when they were younger, and I don't know. It's sweet. I enjoy it.

G: Yeah. So we're back to present day, and this is the scene- this is the scene that drove me to tears. We go back to the motel, and it's Sam, and he's waiting for Dean to arrive. And Dean opens the door, and it's a holiday scene. It's a Christmas scene. Sam has decorated the place, and he's like, trying to be upbeat and happy, and he's like, “Oh, look! It's Christmas!” and Dean's like, “Oh, you changed your mind,” and he's like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah! Try the eggnog.” And then Dean tries the eggnog, and it's super strong. So he makes a face and he's like, "Yeah, this is good." And then they sit down, and Dean's like, “Oh, let's have a seat. Let's do Christmas stuff,” and they exchange gifts. [C laughs] And both of them got the gifts at like, a gas store nearby. Dean gave Sam skin mags-

C: Yeah, it's called Frolic-

G: And shaving cream? Yeah. Frolic.

C: This is a hilarious gift, because they literally live in the same motel room and in the same car.

G: Yeah!

C: Like, at what point is Sam going to get to enjoy these the way they were meant to be enjoyed? Like, is he gonna go, “Hey, Dean, can you step out for an hour? I just want to really appreciate these gifts you gave me for Christmas.” [laughs] Like, what is he gonna do?

G: Yeah, but it's a funny gift. And Dean got like, an energy bar and some motor oil change for Baby, and he's like, “Food for me and food for my Baby!” or something like that. "Fuel for my Baby." Super cute, and, like, the entire scene feels so somber. Like, it feels so sad. It's genuinely so sad.

C: I feel like they put a little foggy filter on it or whatever to give it that nostalgia feel.

G: Yeah, and also like, “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” is playing.

C: Yeah, and it's the Ella Fitzgerald version.

G: I think it's a very nice touch. Yeah. And they say “Merry Christmas” to each other, and then Dean is like, silent, and Sam is like, silent. And you think they're gonna talk about it. But Sam just goes, “You want to watch the game?” [C laughs] And Dean goes, "Yeah." And they watch the game.

C: I love the way men love.

G: Agh. [laughs] I don't know why I reacted that to viscerally to that phrase.

C: It's a good poem.

G: It's a good poem. But like, this is not the- this is not what it's trying to say.

C: Yeah, it's not.

G: Like, this is "men do not talk about their feelings ever."

C: Yeah.

Is there a Christmas sports game that I'm not aware of? I know there's a Thanksgiving sports game. Is there a Christmas sports game?

G: I think there's a thing where, like, in the UK, at least, I've heard that, like, they have sports game during Christmas day. I never understand that, like, I don't know how that's possible.

C: Yeah, shouldn't the athletes have the day off?

G: I mean, I guess so, but- in the Philippines, most of the big athlete games, are like, university games. Or at least at my age group, that's the ones we watch. So like, of course, those are not going to be present during the holidays because the students are on holiday. So I don't know if it happens anywhere else.

C: Yeah. I don't know either due to never watching sports.

G: Yeah, so that's the end of the episode. What are our post-episode thoughts?

C:I'm thinking about a post that I saw that was like, “After Dean's death, Ruby finds Sam crying over [overlapping, both] a bunch of porn magazines." [both laugh]

G: Yeah, I love that.

C: Love that.

G: I think, honestly, I think we didn't do the episode justice. I feel like it's better than we're making it out to be.

C: I don't think we're being mean about it.

G: No, we're not being mean, but we're just also not able to express like, what makes it so emotional, or at least what makes it so emotional for me. I'm not able to express it in a way that like, I feel like I could convey.

C: Yeah. And I'm not able to express how cute little baby Sam actor is, which I think is the main reason I was emotional for this episode.

G: Yeah. I mean, I was full-on crying when like, Dean entered, and he was like, "Oh, you decorated." I was like- [sobbing sounds]. Like, I was full-on crying. So yeah.

Best Line/Worst Line.

C: Yeah, I really like Sam’s “Whose childhood are you remembering?” line because I feel like like- Dean is hurt by this because he like to make Sam's Christmases and stuff nice, and Sam still views them as really bad because their dad abandoned them in a motel. Whereas, like Sam is just like, recognizing that the reality of the situation sucked despite the efforts that Dean made to make it not suck. And yeah, I don't know. It makes me emo.

G: Yeah, I think my best line has got to be... Um. I don't even know. How about your worst line? What's your worst line?

C: Huh. I think that in the wreath store, the guy says about Sam, “Oh, he's a fussy one, isn't he?” and that's like, another way to call Sam gay that I found especially annoying.

G: Here's my worst line.

C: Yeah.

G: "Mistle my toes."

C: [laughing] Noooo!

G: [laughing] "Roast my chestnuts." [C screams] "Egg my nog"?

C: Sorry, what did they say about chestnuts?

G: "Roast my chestnuts."

C: Wait, literally, you could just say “nut on my chest.”

G: That's too forward.

C: I guess so. Anyway, also for context, this is from the Christmas-themed porn that the Santa was watching because I don't think we quoted that fully.

G: [laughing] "Egg my nog." I love that. Love that.

I don't know what my best line is probably like, when Sam was like- baby Sam was like, “They're gonna get Mom, they're gonna get Dad, and then they're gonna get us.” Because one, true.

C: Yeah, that is the order.

G: Two, it's like that kind of like, kid logic. You know how like kids, sometimes they say things, and you're like, "Yeah." I mean, you don't interact with kids, But like, kids tend to tend to have a way of thinking, based on my experience that, like, kind of like, it's so straightforward, and it's like- Kids do have a logical way of thinking. Sometimes, it's just misguided, because they don't know a lot of things. And in a way, I feel like Dean thinks of this as that. Like, “Sam doesn't know that Dad is so cool and so strong and so smart. So he thinks that he's gonna get us.” But like, the reality of the situation is this is true. It's just Dean doesn't realize it because he is the one who's like, ignorant about things. He's the one who has like, misconceptions. So I like that. I feel like, they're just two children. They're just kids. And this is just how kids think.

C: Yeah. Ugh, and when Dean's all like, “Our dad's a hero,” blah blah blah, like, he genuinely believes that. Like, I think when like, John started taking him along on hunts, he was like genuinely, really excited and proud about it, and it wasn't until later, when he was like, “Hey, wasn't it kind of fucked up that I was given a gun to put under my bed as an eleven-year-old?”

G: Yeah.

C: Yeah. It is pretty sad.

G: How about spreadsheet? I feel like this one doesn't have a lot of sexism and racism, but the-

C: A tad. It's so funny. But it's not like, direct, is the thing, right?

G: [laughs] Is it not? What is direct homophobia at this point?

C: Okay, you're right, you're right. Not everything can be "Could you get any more gay?" Sometimes, just saying "Oh, you wanted to look at her handbags" is enough, I agree.

G: What's the point that we gave "Oh, you want to- could you be any more gay"? We gave that a 3, right?

C: No, we gave it a 2. We did not give it a 3.

G: So we must give this a 1.

C: Okay, that sounds good. I will note that down.

G: Okay. IMDb. IMDb rating.

C: I think this is high.

G: Oh, for sure.

C: Like, I feel like everyone was like, “Cried at this” or whatever. Huh. I don't know.

G: He's dying! I think, like, it's finally sinking in on me that he is dying. I know they shove it in your face every episode, but this is the one that made me emotional enough to be like, “Oh my god! He's dying!”

C: That's true. I feel like- I did not care that he was dying, and I still don't care that he's dying, but it it is more than it was before.

G: I would say 8.9.

C: Okay, I was gonna go 8.8, I think.

G: Okay, let's check. [gasps] Oh, no, It's an 8.6. So we overshot.

C: Okay.

G: Let's see what people are saying. “Amazing episode." "Awesome show.” “Santa Claus is coming to town.” "A fudging great episode.” I love that. I love all those titles.

Oh my god! They're fighting in the comments because, like-

C: Oh? Oh? I love that.

G: There's like- I don't know. So there's- oh my god.

So there's this one reviewer named Amanda, and everyone is like, either agreeing with Amanda or disagreeing with Amanda. But I can't find Amanda.

C: Huh! Did Amanda delete?

G: Who is Amanda? Maybe the Amanda is like, a reviewer outside of IMDb?

C: Maybe so.

G: Oh my god! We're discovering lore on IMDb Supernatural.

C: We sure are.

G: [laughing] Oh my god!

C: What?

G: [laughing] I'm so- [laughing] I'm so sorry. I'm laughing again.

Okay, I'm going to calm down. There's one review titled "What-" [laughing]

C: I can't- what?

G: [laughing] Wait, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Hi.

C: Hi.

G: There's one- [laughing] I feel so stupid! I'm so sorry! Okay.

[laughing] "Why does young Dean call young Sam-"

C: What?

G: [laughing] Wait! Wait, wait, wait. "Why does young Dean call young Sam 'Devin'?"

C: Kevin?

G: [laughing] 'Cause there's a line where- I also was surprised. Like, I didn't mention it in the episodes, but like, there's a line in the show where Dean goes, "Let's just go to sleep, Devin," or something.

C: Oh.

G: Like, "Go ahead, Devin." [laughing] And this commenter is like, "Why? Why is he named Devin?" I'm gonna read the review. This is by MikeAbrams.

C: Okay.

G: "Did anyone else notice that at the end of the episode when young Sam is waking up, and young Dean tells him to get the presents, he says, 'Go ahead, Devin.' Who is Devin? He calls him Sam later at the last scene... The actor's name is Colin. Maybe he said Colin. Whichever, someone should have caught it. Pretty embarrassing. [C laughs] Everyone else notice this? And whoever said that the facts are wrong, this is Supernatural, not 60 Minutes!"

Oh, okay. The last part is about Amanda again.

C: Okay.

G: I think Amanda complained about the paganism being inaccurate.

C: Okay, that's valid. I didn't do my background research on this one.

G: Okay. But this one is like- this is to Amanda. "The writers did their research. I think it's you who has totally missed the point."

C: Huh. Yeah, wait. Where is Amanda? Who is this mysterious Amanda?

G: I don't know. I keep on looking for it, and I can't find Amanda.

C: Like, it'd be good to-

G: This ones says, "You really need to calm down. [C laughing] Amanda, you've got to calm down. It's just TV."

C: [laughing] It ony a TV show!

G: [laughing] It ony a TV show!

"Amanda, was it really that bad?" "Amanda Bickle, it's just a TV show. You have to remember that. Paganism is a made-up religion. Well, I suppose they all are. But there is something extremely artificial about the recent resurrection of pagan beliefs." Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

I don't know, and I am not the person to comment on this Amanda debacle.

C: Yeah, same. But I do think it's so funny that all of these reviews are just being like, "Amanda, shut up."

G: Yeah. "Who is Devin?" [laughing] I'm gonna make that the title of the episode, even though when I was reading it, I was completely incomprehensible.

C: Sounds good.

There's a review called "not that mean to pagans."

G: Yeah, [laughing] and it's a response to Amanda.

C: Yeah.

G: Oh my god. Somebody replied about the Devin.

C: Oh yeah, he said "dive in."

G: "MikeAbrams, he didn't say Devin. He said, 'Dive in.'" [laughs] Did he really say, "dive in"?

C: Yeah, to the presents. Yeah. I heard "dive in."

G: I remember in the episode, he did say Devin to me, and I was like, "Okay." I thought he was taking a reference like, a Devin. [laughs] This is the most amusing user review segment that I've ever seen. What is it- you people-

C: One person said, "Dean was a jackass as a kid. Sam was a whiner. I felt absolutely nothing about their flashbacks. Whoever wrote this should be thrown out on the street." [both laughing] Okay.

G: They did? Oh my god.

C: Well, they made him showrunner. So, sorry. garbage_can_kitty.

Okay, sorry this last review is titled, "The movie is also anti-Christian." It starts with, "I agree with Amanda that the movie is anti-pagan." And then- [laughs] "I am agnostic, and I consider myself fair to others who are religious. Every Christmas, I see so many movies, shows, and stories that defile the original meaning of Christmas [G screams], as it is understood to devout Christians. Anti-Christianity is akin to racism." [both scream]

G: I need everyone- I need everyone who is listening up until now, even after everything, [C laughing] to go to the user review section of “A Very Supernatural Christmas.” Like, we need you to do it. It's a fucking mess! There's twenty-three reviews, and every single one of them is wild.

C: Yeah. Jesus. Right.

Okay, yeah, I've also been thinking about how, like, if any of our listeners like, wanted to be on the show, they would just have to leave an IMDb review, and we would read it.

G: For our future, yeah!

C: So you know, that's something to think about.

G: You could be like- oh, also we record this like, two weeks in the past, so you can't do like, one week before.

C: Yeah, do it like- the last episode that released and then add two, and then you can leave a review on that one. But we are mean to basically every review we read, so [G laughs] I understand if you don't want to put yourself in the line of fire.

G: Okay. Oh my god, my throat hurts from laughing so hard at the Devin line. [C laughs]

So that’s it for this episode of Busty Asian Beauties! Next time, we will be discussing- wait. Season 3, Episode 9: “Malleus Maleficarum.”

C: Ooh, Ruby.!

G: Leave us a rating or a review wherever you get your podcasts.

C: Follow us on social media! We are on twitter at twitter.com/BeautiesPodcast- sorry, is it BeautiesPodcast? Yes. Okay. We are on twitter at twitter.com/BeautiesPodcast and on Tumblr at bustyasianbeautiespod.tumblr.com. Our official tag is #BABPod, B-A-B-POD, and thank you to everyone who’s donated to our Ko-Fi at ko-fi.com/bustyasianbeautiespod.

G: If you have any feedback, comments, or inquiries, email us at [email protected]. See you guys next time! [both] Bye!

[guitar music]

#transcript

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sarah-dipitous · 1 year

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Hellsite Nostalgia Tour 2023 Day 172

LARP and the Real Girl/Closing Time

“LARP and the Real Girl”

Plot Description: Sam and Dean investigate the mysterious deaths of two LARPers who were engaged in a game involving a real fairy

Would I Survive the First Five Minutes??: I mean…if the fae get you, the fae get you…

I did cut out the part in the description where they said what LARP stood for, just full disclosure

Honestly, they DESERVE to go see a movie or hit up a bar. Just one night off

Omg I love that Dean really has accepted Garth as the new Bobby

God…I’d love that LotR poster.

Fuck you, small town cop. Look. I don’t know what this guy’s whole deal was, but as long as he treated women right and wasn’t a gatekeeping asshole, “toys” on display at your residence (read: replicas of weapons from fantasy series and probably figurines of some sort. (Remind me to make a post about how much I’ve spent on the anime figures at my work desk…and the look on my work bestie’s face when she saw the amount)) are not a sign that you can’t be in a relationship or get laid.

“These kids today with their texting and murder…” I wanna kiss whoever wrote that line of dialogue on the mouth.

Felicia Day’s hair is so pretty

The dramatic thunder is…well, it’s something

Sometimes I get so sad about how much Dean has missed out on due to John. THIS is one of those times. He’s so excited to help Charlie with her battle strategy!! And he never got to foster that because he had to grow up WAY too fast and ALWAYS had to keep the tough guy persona. He’s such a little nerd at heart

Dean and Charlie should have gotten wayyyyyy more time together

You know, for being known as the nerdier of the two brothers, Sam is having zero fun with this and really just wants to get the job done. Dean’s in costume and following Charlie around as she flirts with every woman she encounters in their investigation

Noooooo don’t abduct Charlieeeeeeee

Oh. Looks like Charlie is no longer disappointed in her kidnapping

I love the boys getting sidelined in favor of the rules of this LARPing community

Of COURSE it’s that dude

Did he really think that the sword, once it turned back into foam, was going to stop Dean??

Omg is he……….HE’S GIVING THE SPEECH FROM BRAVEHEART. Deeeeeeeean

“Closing Time”

Plot Description: The Doctor, in his final days of life, encounters a mystery as he visits an old friend

Don’t love that we’re back with James Corden

What is happening with the…no that’s not how you ask about lighting in this show. Hey, who turned out the lights?

The cybermen? Maybe

Stormaggedon, Dark Lord of All is quite the name for a baby to give themself

This Farewell Tour he’s on doesn’t hit as hard as Ten’s because he’s really been with just Amy and Rory and River most of the time, with the exception of Craig (who he’s visiting now), also I know he has at least two more seasons

Hmmmmmmmm a motorized toy…the cybermen are hijacking TOYS??

Omg…I don’t like how often Moffat-run shows have the joke “oh these two men seen together and/or show any sort of affection toward each other MUST be gay.”

He just went straight for the lingerie department?? Come on…

Oh they didn’t hijack shit, they just put a weird robotic rat thing in a department store

I forgot we jumped ahead some time….we still get a little bit of Amy and Rory, but Amy’s already a perfume model

The cybermen gave the cybermat TEETH??? WHY???

These….oh, yeah. Those are things to cry about later. For sure

Oh…that baby’s ceiling is the ideal. Like, real project galaxies

Aw man, James Corden only ALMOST got mauled by the lil rat thingy

Ugh, the Doctor is doing the whole “I shouldn’t have anyone around me” thing again

Did they actually kill Craig???? What is happening???? Ahhh, rats. Like, of course they didn’t but STILL

So the cybermen just exploded? Because Craig felt emotion again??

This episode is just eh. Except for the Doctor’s coat. The coat’s good

Why DOES linear time affect him now??

Oh that’s where he got the hat River’s about to shoot off

#hellsite nostalgia tour 2023

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septembersghost · 4 years

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i’ll say this once publicly and never again

andr*w d*bb is not some secret crusading hero, he has had intense disdain for and disrespect towards dean from the very beginning of his tenure with this show in S4, he has done everything in his power to destroy his characterization, relegate him to a secondary role, treat him like a useless fool, villainize him for his rational reactions, and strip him of his character traits. look at the entire storyline with jack for the most abundant evidence of this. tell me it didn’t exist to shame dean for his feelings. to shame dean for not reacting in the “correct” way. to shame dean for being a “bad” parent (do not get me started on the implications with that and how it’s much worse because of dean’s frequent caregiver role in the narrative and his parentification, so not being the “good” role model/parent for jack and some of the events that follow gets us really into the weeds with medea-like undercurrents and was setting fans up to hate him). I saw people wish death on dean all season. pull up comments throughout S15 and you’ll see so many “he’s so mean to (insert jack or cas or sam here), i can’t stand him, i hope he dies” comments. the internet was especially overflowing with death wishes after 15x17. please look at “the hero’s journey” when he stripped the winchesters’ inherent skills away and attributed all of their smarts and strengths and capability to divine intervention, thus rendering their status as skilled warriors inert. and now we know that wasn’t accidental. they were setting it up. make him seem damaged, broken, wrong. tell him his remarkable resiliency and abilities were never actually his. reiterate that he’s too poisonous, too angry. then tell him...he’s actually done everything for love. force him to pay penance (to watch cas die, to get beaten to a pulp by god himself, take your pick.) and once he is thoroughly trampled under the wheel of that guilt, instead of giving him resolution and love in return, put him back where he started, entirely defined by his caretaker role, entirely defined by the person he gave everything for, and tell him he’s right, that’s all he ever was or had, he deserved to die bloody and scared. (i beg of you, do not twist his death into dying for love, for sam or for cas, because that’s even worse. he deserved to live for love, he died for nothing.) there’s so much to unpack here with ideas about sin and ideas about sacrifice and ideas about the use of feminine-coding leading to, essentially, a fridging, that if i tried to enumerate them, this would become a dissertation, and it’s already too damn long.

the finale was the last chance to crush dean and make everything about sam, who is, in d*bb’s mind, the real protagonist. this is not news to us, he has slighted dean many times. (d*bb could also never keep the lore straight. dude introduced a multiverse - a. multiverse. - into supernatural). and you may say, why did you watch his era, then? and i’d say, i still watched it for dean, because i could never leave him behind. i watched because i believed in and cared about the story. i watched because i could always find some meaning there. so i guess this was the reward for that decision.

this was always the intended ending. the details of getting there may have slightly changed, but the destination didn’t. jensen has told us this. there’s a reason it didn’t sit well with him from the very beginning, and it had nothing to do with cas (as is quite obvious given jensen’s enthusiasm for the confession scene), it had to do with the fact that they were gutting a character who he spent 15 years pouring his heart and soul into, going above and beyond to define him and nurture him and bring him wholly to life, who he considers part of himself, who he’s referred to as his “first love” and his “best (imaginary) friend,” and they told him, “here’s the ending, take it or leave it,” and they told him, when he expressed serious unsettled concerns, “you’re too close to this/too emotional,” until he had no choice but to accept that this was happening, that dean’s entire arc was going to mean nothing and that he just had to deal with it.

he could reciprocate to cas ten different ways and he’d still be dead. reciprocation actually makes his death even worse and even more malicious and disgusting and even more hollow but let’s not go there.

any version of this story that ended with its traumatized, battle-scarred, compassionate heart never being allowed the time to heal or recover, never being allowed to live, being impaled in a frankly, ridiculous, gratuitous way (that thing was only there to kill him, it served no other function, and suddenly dean forgets what a great tactician he is? i guess because his skills weren’t “real.” and suddenly dean, who we know, without question, wants to live now. wants to keep moving forward. has reasons to choose life. wants those sacrifices to mean something. dean winchester. gives up?) is unconscionable. any version of that which tries to tell us he could only find peace in stepford heaven is abominable. it doesn’t matter who's there to greet you when you’re dead at 41 with your whole life having been ripped away from you. they’d be there to greet you if you lived another fifty years, too, and that would be much more satisfying. and there are other implications - dean is taken forever. that light is snuffed out and leaves a chasm of loss in his wake. to the point where we know people are going to die because he’s dead. because sam lives a half-life until the day he too is dead and they can be together.

think about the real world implications - we don’t have literal monsters to fight here, but this story was never about that. it was always about overcoming all the hurt and the fear and the shadows of our inner demons, really. they said - don’t bother. it doesn’t matter anyway. all that fighting and bleeding and trying so hard and loving so, so much. it doesn’t matter. but we know that’s not true. we know dean’s life was precious. we know dean’s life mattered irrevocably. we know he should have been allowed to live. to imply, in any way, that those of us who identify with him are just too broken to find peace and enjoy freedom and give love and be accepted is, again, unconscionable. we only have this one life. that’s all we know for sure. no one is too broken to love or to live.

this is on d*bb and s*nger and everyone else who signed off on this idea before j2 even walked into that writers’ room in july 2019. there’s weird, questionable stuff going on with the 11 missing shots and different dubs and knowing takes were changed or cut, whatever else, but we were always going to end up here. with a man who has probably been planning to do this to dean for years. who likely thinks it’s edgy and subversive. one of the other writers literally tweeted that, “it always had to end for him like this” and defended it as the “right” ending. this is how they viewed him. this is all they believe he was capable of or deserved. there’s nothing wrong with holding them accountable for it

#i have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe #if i cannot satisfy one i will indulge the other #that quote is me on this topic. incandescent love turned to incandescent rage because the love is still so strong and it was betrayed #anti andrew dabb #look at what he did to dean in almost every episode he wrote #look at what he did to dean across the entirety of his era as showrunner and how much he altered the show itself #i can't believe i'm seeing with my own two eyes people who think the man who believed #dean winchester was little more than a loser sidekick #that people are being gaslit into thinking he was some genius trying to give us what we wanted. he never was #this is the most negative thing i have EVER publicly posted about anything and i feel bad about it and do apologize for it #my friends here who actually know me well know that this level of hurt/anger/bitterness is not my default state at all #i can usually find the light and the positives #but i can't bear THIS not being seen for the atrocity it is #not putting this in trackable tags for obvious reasons but these for the blacklist #anti spn writers #spn negativity #god i've never had to use that tag! in fifteen years! and i have to use it at the end?! gross #negativity

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postmodernmulticoloredcloak · 4 years

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I decided to watch the Walker pilot so you don’t have to. #1

I don’t know why I’m doing this, but I’m doing this and the more I put it off the less I’ll want to do this. So. Let’s start.

The fist thing we see is Jared Padalecki, em Walker, driving. He’s vaguely smiling and there’s the sun behind him. He seems happy. He’s driving a truck, for some reason my mind goes to Twilight. I’d rather watch that. At least there are vampires (not dressed like clowns) there. Anyway. Walker is meeting someone. He’s meeting his wife! “Look at you!” she says. The camera makes us look at him. He looks like this

I am unsure whether we’re supposed to see this as sexy or cool. It looks frankly ridiculous. I don’t know if I’m just not American enough to appreciate the aesthetic of this. But I didn’t go through 15 seasons of Americana-in-British-Columbia for nothing. If a character appeared like this on Supernatural, it wouldn’t be presented seriously. It would be played for a chuckle or in a light-hearted way at least. Not even Dean Winchester would find this hot.

The Padaleckis tell something to each other. Apparently he needs to go home with the kids and his parents because it’s game night. My mind immediately goes to Game Night the episode and I am sad now. But Walker lifts my mood in its own weird way. He doesn’t know the rules because every time she tells him the rules, he blacks out. I would make a fun quip about this, but the truth is that I relate to him a lot right now because I blacked out during the entire scene. I’m not sure what they said other than the game thing because I wrote it here. I already forgot the rest.

Anyway. What we’re supposed to get from this scene that they’re Very In Love (see that soft warm light?), and that he’s anxious because he’s not great at being a father because he’s shit at games apparently, but his wife is like ~don’t worry so much~ because she’s a kind, understanding wife. He tells her to be safe, because the Texan countryside is dangerous or something. She needs to stay on a route he approved for some reason. Is she traveling with supersoldier serum in her car? Is Hydra going to murder her? [cue the Marvel snipers shooting me to death because they don’t want Marvel to be associated to this]

Later, everyone is having fun playing fake monopoly, but Walker (whose mannerism is just Jared, he’s not even trying) is apparently too stupid to understand a game for kids. Plot twist, this is anti-cop propaganda because it says cops are dumb.

“Et tu Brute” Jared says when the kids point out he broke a rule so they get an extra turn. I thought I was safe from hearing Jared speak Latin! I thought I was safe! I am never safe!

Emily (Gen) suddenly texts him “SOS. Answer” which is OMINOUS! Oh my god! Aren’t you feeling the tension. The rest of the family keeps playing fake monopoly. Someone throws dice. Are we supposed to go “oh! The dice are ~symbolic because someone’s playing dice with her life” or have I been watching too much good tv.

She is running somewhere in the countryside, wearing a white shirt (is this the cowboy lady equivalent of the Wife Nightgown?). She says something is not right. He’s worried. Then he hears gunshot and her scream. He does the Alarmed Jared face, presses lips together and does a Upset Jared face.

Then he goes out, tries to call her again, and again, does a Jared Upset Sniff--

Oh! We actually see her! She’s alive, but she’s been shot in the stomach. Her white shirt is definitely the cowboy lady equivalent of the Wife Nightgown! Ah the blood coming from the stomach! How terrible! Her phone is ringing but she cannot reach it. She is definitely alive right now, though. She’s breathing heavily because of the wound, which is breathing, which is the opposite of being dead.

He decides that she’s dead, and lets out the already infamous manly scream of anguish.

It would be sad if it wasn’t that literally one second ago we saw her wounded but alive. Her turning out alive in the season finale or so will shock everyone. Nobody will have seen it coming. Who wrote this? They should have just shown the ringing phone and her bloody hand/side, making the audience assume she was dead, instead of showing her breathing. Now the audience is gonna assume she didn’t actually die, and wonder “why didn’t he call someone or went looking for her” but apparently Jared’s characters have forgotten that, like, ambulances are a thing. Jared’s manly screams of anguish are more important than common sense.

I’m not going to say anything about the manly scream of anguish. I’m not going to say anything about the manly scream of anguish. I’m n

We’re just 4 minutes in, guys. Why am I doing this?

Eleven months later, says the screen.

It’s night, outside a house. The son is waiting for him. The daughter doesn’t think he’s coming. On the porch there are two men, one is his brother and one is apparently his former partner, now new boss. He’s dressed like you’d expect a normal person to be dressed in a casual Texan night, hat and tie and all. If you are law enforcement in Texas and don’t wear a cowboy hat at any moment, you will be executed. That’s what the death penalty in Texas is for.

Somebody arrives, but to the kids’ disappointment is some dude whose function is to tell us the men’s names. The brother is Liam, the cop dude I forgot.

Walker is being sad on the back of his truck and drinking alcohol, which is the only way television can express a man having trauma. Holy shit - he reminisces of his wife like this is some emotional Lord of the Rings scene in a place where Elves live except this is not the Lord of the Rings and is just ridiculous, look

She’s seen running towards the gazebo, then she turns

This is exactly shot like the scene where Arwen has a vision of her son. Flowy hair and all. I cannot take this seriously.

He smiles sadly. Then a cop car arrives.

Mexican Lady Cop(TM), whose function in the story is to be a Mexican Lady Cop(TM) asks for his licence since he’s drinking alcohol in a public place.

“You ask so nicely” drunk Walker says. Ew. “Yeah, they train the girls special” Oh! Can you see? She is the Feminist Icon who Takes No Shit from the Dude! I’m so excited. I am slowly losing the will to live.

She drives him home on the police car. His legs don’t fit. At least this is realistic.

He does exposition in the car, including “I needed to visit a ghost instead”. There-there was no need to say it. What’s the demographic they’re aiming for? Five year olds? Do they have to spell everything out loud?

“It’s been a while since I had an actual conversation” he says, which supposedly explains why he’s making awkward exposition, but it’s just bad writing. At least they acknowledge it’s bad writing.

She figures he’s law enforcement coming back from an undercover mission from some drunken ramble he makes. This is worse than the Sherlock phone cable port thing.

She says she just got promoted from state trooper, ehe she will work with him wink wink nudge nudge. Is she going to be a cop-buddy-character slash love interest except when they’re almost about to realize they’re into each other, his wife comes back and draa~ama? I can already see it.

He goes home, makes some Jared grunts, and falls asleep on the couch.

Next morning, he goes out and jogs to where he left the truck. He puts on a cowboy hat which is supposed to be an artistic shot.

I’m slowly dying. He makes some Jared Deep Breaths, at least this made me laugh.

Wait, he’s now wearing a black hat. He’s in mourning, see? What.

He drives to his father’s ranch. His father is Super Not Impressed. It’s awkward. They took about horses. Mitch Pileggi is thinking that at least the other show was more exciting and there was Jensen Ackles in it.

He gets into his parents’ house and the dogs run to him, he does the Jared Dog Chuckle. He hugs his mom. He hugs his son - “August, my boy!” he says, like a normal person his age says.

He hugs his brother and they joke-wrestle and he says “I’m still the big brother” and did I mention I’m dying inside. I just can tell this is SUPPOSED to be reminiscent of Dean and Sam’s first meeting at Stanford in the pilot except Jared is the big brother now. Ew.

We learn that the brother is a DA and gay. All pilots suffer from Forced Exposition Syndrome but it’s like this isn’t even trying.

He goes to work and hugs (very manly hug of course) his friend-now-boss, who is called James. James asks him if he’s good and he’s like yeah I’m good, which our I’m Fine Lie Moment #1. Some things never change.

Enter the case of the week - a cop offered roadside assistance but he was assaulted. We’re already starting with a “Oh No Poor Cop :( Someone Doesn’t Like Cops And Gets Violent” plot. Yay.

Ta-da! Mexican Lady Cop appears, cowboy hat and all. James says she’s Walker’s new partner. My heart cries while Walker says “figured you’d be a guy” and she replies “so did my mom”. The feminism is so strong :’) She’s such a strong female character :’) I’m so happy :’)

Then Walker makes such a quintessential Jared thing with his mouth that I need to stop this here and take a break.

It’s been 13 minutes. So much still to go. I’m bored. Why am I doing this.

#cw's jared: legit texan #marghe watches walker for some darned reason

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incarnateirony · 4 years

Note

Hi! I’m still not really over the last episode (and that happy montage in the end i-) and I’m feel confused about what’s part of the episode was fake. I mean the end totally is. But all Chuck scene was superweird too. And sometimes i think that it should be Cas instead of Lucifer and Jack felt him. I mean... confused! How do you feel about that?

Okay so here’s the thing -- this is a multifaceted episode--

BuckLeming, while often herded efficiently by Dabb, can muddy up the textual waters, leave gaps, and things unexplained.

However, that doesn’t account for Showalter’s choices in direction. Dutch shots out the ASS which are typically used to evoke that something is "wrong." Lots of panoramas, tracking shots, zooms and blurs in ways that simply are-not-standard for SPN. Extreme aerial shots.

One might even think “maybe it’s Chuck looking in on them!” but then you realize the same overhead view zoomed out on *Chuck* even and panned out to the horizon again.

One of the early mega-zooms literally zoomed out to The World, even. I’m just gonna gesture people to my tag on that and let them think on that, much less the empty world orbiting on the news or whatever the hell else.

There were *several* Cas-baits, yes. Yes, that was intentional from our actual authors.

But when it comes down to “fake episode”, here’s where we were at.

15.17-19 run immediately concurrently. At the end of 17, Chuck says this was his ending.

Now, the Winchesters largely derailed that ending, so Chuck was writing new material.

But Chuck is also seeking death.

He wrote a suicide note in 11. He wrote the story that would end in him and Amara being eradicated. And whatever influence he was exerting forcefully with Michael and Lucifer to bop the story around was all in the interest of seeing his book. One might think “to keep the Winchesters from killing him”, but he was desperate to see what his ending WAS, to know it and experience it and scream after them.

The dour taking of “no one cares” right after “I care(d)” about humanity is its own highlight going on. But wait, there’s MORE.

When Dabb dropped his pre-episode thing, we started talking before the episode.

So I mean, I think what we were *mostly* witnessing is the pen being ripped away.

But this is that emptiness that lingers even with Chuck generally resolved. They’re still kinda on the pages. The book is presented as shut, and the next steps are not taken. Development stops, if not drops.

This entire thing is so meta my damn head hurts.

Summarily: Is it just like, some weird AU that’s gonna go away? Not so much. Is it an incomplete portion of the story told from a skew? Absolutely. And is there still someone watching over them? T’would seem so. The whole World, even. Beyond Chuck.

Now the point at which we start blocking off issues of “eugenie writes like she’s 3″ is where we ask about things like “god power” or whatever else being thrown in the mix along with eugenie’s ki ball special effects that are literally always unique to her episodes, even if other people have to add the SFX.

So while it was a good bit of masterful work to do it via buckleming for this style of bump, it still inevitably has its flaws because... buckleming. But... Showalter was there. And one thing to note is almost every single scene entrance had some sort of major pan or zoom effect. That’s not typical for him.

The entire thing is designed to evoke, directorially:

One style: crooked shots, unlevel, unbalanced, uneasy feeling.

Second style: Over-under; some force is watching them on high, while others have a sort of brechtian absurdity, which seats it like a play on an elevated stage.

We are the audience, looking up at figures half the episode; but a second audience is looking in from “on high” and out over the world. As if perhaps even from the heavens.

Third style: CSI Miami, basically? Parts of this episode were sectioned off to be like a procedural crime drama in its cinematography and flashbacks. Which is ironic, because Dean loathes procedural dramas, but at the same time some of this fandom demands a procedural monster show instead of a family drama show.

Sam and Dean barely have any lines in the episode *until* we hit Crime Drama Time. Then suddenly, they reveal all of their case work. Despite Dean’s hatred of crime dramas, this is honestly when I feel like the brothers kicked in their own pen.

Let’s play a game-- the winchesters are aware they can write their own story. So they start telling the story they think people want to hear, or maybe just fill in the gaps from when Chuck gets dropped on his ass. Maybe Dean’s the one writing about how many times god punched them in the face whereas Sam is breaking down the crime scene investigation front. Another, where it feels like we’re loosely circling the war table as others lightly wander too.

But everything before that is the first and second style, and even after that, the overview-angle remains. The uneasiness is gone but there is an emptiness otherwise. But we are no longer spectators from beneath the stage, but staring into them.

I still very much expect everyone to “die” one more time and several specifics to choose to walk back into life at the end of it.

Is it a *complete* false narrative? No. We’re not just gonna turn around and be like “oh that whole ep didn’t happen.” But the writer lost his pen and got jacked at one point, while we also observed the stage from a series of angles as different audiences.

Riddle me this: Why show the World? “Because it’s empty and just them!” okay but there’s a lot of ways to show that which actually gets that point a whole lot better across than “here, here’s a planet that still looks lit up”--yes I know electricity is still running until stuff runs out but essentially speaking, the end of the episode shows us the kind of dramatic shots that could be used for that.

CASey just poofed in the World in the TV, seems legit.

Let’s see these overhead angles again, knowing it isn’t just Chuck.

This sort of overview is known for causing a “dollhouse effect” that derealizes the episode and makes them seem, well, like toys. Which is interesting. Because Chuck isn’t the only one watching them on high.

Cool, this is fine.

Either way, the entire episode is DESIGNED to cause some major uncanny valley. There’s a lot of parts that simply *haven’t been told or filled in.* It’s almost like evasive maneuvering, half the content just never made it to print, and what did wasn’t in its best draft. There may be battling authors, or a transition of authorship. But the thing is: this is not the complete story.

There is an entire missing section about Sam and Dean even finding out that Jack is a power siphon which they hadn’t witnessed yet much less arranged an entire plan.

Even Chuck’s episodes are generally told from the general POVs of the Winchesters, but this was absolutely not.

Matthew 28: 18: And Jesus came and spake unto them, saying, All power is given unto me in heaven and in earth. Put a pin in that one.

Unless CHUCK IS WRITING HIS OWN FAKE DRAMATIC END, the overhead view, however, IS NOT CHUCK PERSPECTIVE.

-- Regardless, the metaness of “fish in a toilet bowl BRL plot” stacked into this makes it very difficult to accurately decipher the lines, especially with only one watch so far--just skimming back through right now to grab a few things I remember.

Some parts are plot salad buckleming.

Some parts are us as forced spectators of a stage play.

some parts are shifting authorship

Some parts are the heavens looking out over the earth it loves.

------

It almost feels as if, within enclosed spaces, unsteadiness and stageplay, we have Chuck’s POV.

But by the end it ceases to have any relevance, as he is no longer the author, and instead, we have the Presence of Being overseeing them, letting the Winchesters argue for their own proverbial pen in their own storytellings between here and there.

ALTERNATE PROPOSAL:

it is all one point of view. All of it. Pretend you’re someone’s eyes on a situation, you just happen to be in the sky half the time, and the uncanny valley is pulling forward the concept of being a presence that simply isn’t *there.* For example we're looking extremely closely at passed out dean but the camera turns and raises to level with Sam before Dean gets up. Our viewership lens is rising to meet Sam.

The camera stays in motion to fill a role or slot of a viewer. At first it’s haunting and ominous, but at other times, it’s simply part of the room, when it isn’t hovering from on high. Rather than speaking of empty space, we are viewing The World through that empty space, as if it were a Being.

Just a few more eye catching shots.

But whoever or whatever frames the end, even without Chuck--like the story is still turning on the pages, roughly.

The montage at the end feels like the Swan Song one, more or less, but there’s no narrator, no chuck.

The writer, the writer we know at least, is Absent.

Men are writing their own Stories.

But they aren’t alone.

I know how you see yourself. Angry and dark like your father. You think that’s what you are. But you are the most loving man in the whole world. That is who you are.

Someone does care. Even if right now, Sam and Dean don’t feel like anyone does.

...Because of you. I cared. For you, for Sam, for Jack, for the Whole World.

I cared.

“That’s not who I am.”

I am.

I speak therefore I am.

#supernatural #spn #15.19 #meta #my meta #the world #world #absence #being #polol

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babykimmin · 4 years

Text

One Last Time

A/N: I never intended on posting this, I wrote this after watching the last episode of Supernatural. I felt so many feelings watching it and writing this. I didn't mention a name on the mother because you guys can imagine whoever. *wink wink* maybe you can find the little hint I put in there on who I thought of as her mother.

Daughter!Reader

___

Dean held in the sob he felt rising through his chest almost making him forget the pain his body was going through. Sam moved away when he saw Dean reach towards the brunette watching her father with teared-filled eyes. He watched Dean shake his head at her, "No trying to save me, the moment I get off this I know I will be gone, I can feel myself slipping…come here let me look at you one last time, my baby." the girl moved slowly towards her father feeling her words get stuck in her throat, she felt her grace reaching out towards her sire she could feel it too. She could feel him slipping and there was nothing she could do, again.

"Baby, you were my greatest wish, a wish I thought would never come true but here you are. I'm sorry I have to leave you, but I know you will be fine because I raised you. I'm your father, you are strong, you are brave, you are.." Dean held in a breathe as he held his abdomen, "everything I'm not. I love you so much, never forget that.." Dean held her head towards his. She felt his last breath on her and she held his face in her hands.

"Daddy." She could feel Sam's hands on her trying to move her away and she held on harder, "No Daddy come back. I can't live without you. I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't…I-" A sob ripped its way out of her mouth, Sam stopped his movements at the devastating sound coming out of the young girl, she had just lost both her parents in a matter of days. He had no words. The scream that left her mouth the next second made Sam's tears shed. Watching her clutch Dean's jacket, he had never seen such devastation in someone so young. Her sobs seemed to be all feelings piled up from everything that had gone on.

She and Jack never deserved this life. They were children in the bodies of teenagers. They both had never gotten a break. It made sense why Dean didn't want children, he wanted to go down swinging but leaving a child behind, was never in Dean's plans. Now Sam can see why.

All she could feel was pain, pain spreading everywhere as she held her father's lifeless body up, She could feel her lungs not getting enough air and she couldn't hear anything. It felt like time had stopped to witness her fall. Her grace reached out but never connected it made the pain worsen, she would never feel that warmth ever again. It was like being hugged by his soul and now there was nothing just cold.

How could she live on like this, her father was wrong. She's not strong, she's not brave. Her world was falling around her faster than she could repair it and she was giving up. What was the point? Her mother died after exchanging his life, her brother became god and left them, now her dad is dead. She couldn't see her life without them. This felt wrong, this wasn't supposed to happen, they were supposed to go home after and make hot chocolate. They were supposed to be sitting at the dining table laughing at Sam eating his rabbit food.

Sam.

She turned towards Sam who had tears streaming down his face.

Uncle Sam.

"Uncle Sam."

She didn't feel the words coming out of her mouth, they felt like they were said by someone else. They stared at each other for a few seconds. The world wasn't done with them yet and it crushed her. Sam had gone through so much more before she was even born. Gone through so much more with her parents and now they were gone. Everyone was gone but them.

"I-"

"I can't, I can't do this uncle Sam." Her hand reached out towards him, wanting to feel the warmth, the warmth of a living person. When their hands touched she could feel her grace trying to reach out, reaching out towards her only family member that was left but the only family member her grace couldn't touch.

"We can do it together Rosie. Dean was right, you are strong, you are brave and that's how I know you can get through this. I will be with you every step of the way, you will never be alone."

But she felt alone.

Sam was her uncle not her father nor her mother, her grace couldn't connect, her grace would never be complete. She didn't like it, she had never felt this way, this feeling of emptiness. She wanted her mom. She wanted her dad. She wanted to be wrapped in their arms and never leave. She would never get that back and she could feel herself not accepting it. Dean's forehead was cold against her, the warm breath gone. She took one last look at the man who sired her, the man she called dad.

The man who would wake her up with the best chocolate chip pancakes, the man who loved her mother, the man who would tell her he loved her every night, the man who would call her every hour if they were apart, the man who would always talk about how long he waited for her, the man who would hold her hand when she was scared, this man that knew 20 different ways to make mac and cheese, the man who saved the world, the man who wanted a better world for her. The man who did everything for love.

"Daddy."

She brought her hands to cup his cheeks, she studied his face one last time. Just one last time. She couldn't bring herself to stop, just an hour ago she thought she had all the time in the world and now she doesn't have time.

His scent, she knew that in no time she would never smell this scent again, no matter how many shirts, jackets, or blankets were left, the scent would fade. She couldn't take the thought, the sob that left her made the ache grow almost like a stomach ache. She felt like she was dying from the emotional pain. She took a deep breath, she had to do this.

"You were good to me, take care of mom until I get there okay? I need you so bad dad, I need you to feel alive, I need mom. I can't do this." The tears streaming down her cheeks made her eyes burn and she closed them as she took a deep breath in again.

"But I will try, I have Uncle Sam."

~~~

The funeral for a hunter was finally done, Sam watched her put on the last of the wood around Dean. The only thing left was in Sam's hand. She stood by the wood clutching tightly the too-large jacket around her frame the scent she ached for surrounded in it. Her father was wrapped in a white blanket in the middle of the wood she and Sam had built for him. She desperately ached to touch his skin, to hug him, and feel arms wrap around her.

This ache was so familiar, the ache to touch her mother to have something. She never got that something. She never got to feel one last time, she never got one last look. The closure that was staring at her in the face with her dad was there but she didn’t grasp it. What closure? To accept that this was the end? This wasn't what was supposed to happen.

She wanted more time, what she had wasn't enough, the memories weren't enough. The memories with her mother weren't enough, how could they ever be. Whenever they were together that bond that was formed before she was even born made her want to stay close forever. It hurt that she didn't get it. It wasn't fair. Why her? What wrong did she do that she didn’t deserve her parents? Was it being born? Against heaven law her ass. She deserved to live just like any other angel and human. She was a product of love not hate.

"You are loved, we wanted you, we waited for you. I love you, we will protect you until our last breath because you are everything to us. Whenever you can't find your way remember to do things for love, remember you were made out of love not hate. I know you will do great things."

This ache in her chest she knew wouldn't go away, it never went away after her mother why would it with her father. Why would grief give her a break? She grazed her fingers along with the wood closest to her father and stepped back giving her uncle a look as he passed her the white rose in his palm. She clutched it close to her and watched Sam clutch the lighter almost hesitantly.

She grasped his arm, "We'll do it together uncle Sam, remember, we only have each other now." Sam gave her a teary smile and her eyes couldn't help but fill with tears at seeing her uncle look so devastated.

Sam nodded grasping her hand with his as they lit the lighter,

"Goodbye, Daddy."

"Goodbye, Dean."

A/N: sorry if it's not that good I wrote this while crying

#dean winchester #sam winchester #dean winchester x daughter!reader #dean deserves better #sam and dean #spn #destiel #jack #supernatural fic #supernatural fanfiction #castiel #dean fanfic #dean winchester x reader #dean x reader #daughter!reader #angst #death tw

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mrswhozeewhatsis · 3 years

Text

Perfect

A/N: I actually wrote something!! Hallelujah!! Special thanks to @negans-lucille-library for beta reading and putting up with all of my questions!!

Summary: Life with Dean is perfect.

Pairing: Dean x reader (I believe this reader is pretty gender neutral, so I hope some guys out there get to read this and enjoy it, too!)

Warnings: None, really. Mostly fluff. Bit of angst.

Word count: 3497 words

Prompt: For the @spnfanficpond's S14 Weekly Episode Challenge, week 19. I used one prompt. It will be bolded. Not listing it here because spoilers.

Two machetes swung in unison, lopping off two vampire heads and leaving you looking at the proud face of your husband as the bodies fell between you. A beam of sunlight burst through a broken board in the roof of the barn and lit up dust motes in the air around Dean’s head, making him look positively resplendent. You grinned at each other before each of you motioned over the other’s shoulder, and then both spun away, taking down two more vampires with almost synchronized movements. It was always like a dance, fighting with Dean. The two of you had fought together for so long now, you were one unit, just taking down monster after monster in fights that almost looked choreographed.

When the last vampire head hit the ground with a satisfying thump and the corresponding body slumped after it, you both heaved a satisfied sigh and smiled at each other. With a quiet nod, you separated, making sure the barn was completely clear of monsters, inside and out, then met again in the middle with a quick, chaste, kiss.

“I’d do better, but you have a little something right… about...” –you gestured at his cheek, then really all over his face– “well, everywhere, really,” you said with a grimace. “Don’t feel like turning into a vampire just because I wanted to kiss my husband.”

Dean pretended to try and kiss you messily, laughing when you pushed him away. “You mean, it’s not worth two days of puking your guts up with the vampire cure to give your hot-as-hell husband a proper kiss?” Letting you go, he wiped his machete off on the shirt of one of the headless bodies and then headed toward the water pump just outside the barn doors. “I must be losing my touch!” he joked as he began pumping to fill the trough below the faucet.

You joined him in cleaning both your weapons and yourselves, enjoying the clear spring air and bright sunshine warming your back, and soon you were able to safely risk showing your affection. As did every other part of you, your lips fit together perfectly. Dean kissed you so well, you wondered how you ever thought anyone else was any good at it. He took over all your senses, making little happy noises when your tongue slid against his, surrounding you with his arms, filling your nose with the scent of his aftershave and sweat, and leaving the taste of the pie he’d had with breakfast in your mouth. You finally came up for air, still trading little nibbly kisses until you both accepted that the hunt wasn’t done, yet, and you needed to finish it. You stayed in his arms an extra moment, foreheads touching, both reaffirming that you were still here - still alive - and uninjured after the fight.

“Love you,” you whispered, looking through your lashes at the bright green of Dean’s eyes. They always seemed greener in the spring, somehow.

“Ditto,” he whispered back, before landing one last peck on your lips and smacking your ass playfully.

“You’re lucky I love you, or I would have told Sam how you watched that movie, and enjoyed it, a long time ago!” you teased as the two of you split up to head to Baby’s trunk and get cleaning supplies.

Walking ahead of you with those long legs, Dean turned around, walking backward for a step, and gasped loudly. “You wouldn’t!” he cried with eyes wide and his mouth turned into a pout, clearly knowing that you really wouldn’t, but playing your game, anyway.

“That’s right, I wouldn’t because I love you. Now, aren’t you lucky?” you scolded while still grinning.

He stopped you, cupping your face in his hands and kissing you, yet again. “Luckiest man in the world,” he echoed, before turning away and unlocking the trunk.

While Dean was digging through the trunk to find a matchbook to go with the can of gas you were holding, you saw something move out of the corner of your eye. Years of hunter awareness sent the hair on the back of your neck standing up while you searched the nearby tree line for another sign of movement. The barn was in the back forty of a farm abandoned at least a decade earlier, so wildlife of all kinds had taken over. The tree line was nothing more than just that: a line of trees that marked the edge of the farm. Over the years, bushes and smaller trees had filled in the gaps between the larger trees, making it a more formidable barrier. Where you guessed you might have been able to see through it years ago, now, it was overgrown and impenetrable. Except for the driveway the vampires had tamed, the grass in the surrounding fields was all knee-high and waving in the breeze. Figuring it was either one of the taller weeds in the grass or an animal, you convinced yourself to let it go as Dean slammed Baby’s trunk lid shut.

The barn had plenty of hay for kindling, but much of it had gotten wet from the holes in the roof. Dean was hauling bales and generally kicking up dust when you inhaled a bit and started sneezing uncontrollably.

“Head outside, honey, and I’ll finish up here,” Dean urged while you continued sniffling and sneezing. “Go use up some of those tissues you keep stashing in my car when you think I’m not looking!”

Not able to speak, you just nodded and headed back out into the sunshine, which started another round of sneezes. You were blowing your nose when you saw another bit of movement by the tree line. Keeping your eyes trained on the grass and bushes that had moved, you finished with the tissues and grabbed your gun from the holster on the back of your belt.

Gun trained in front of you, safety off, you slinked towards the tree line, keeping your eyes moving left to right, looking for another anomaly in the swaying of the grass and weeds. When you reached where you’d seen the movement, there were signs that someone had been standing there all around. Trampled grass, broken branches in the trees and bushes, and then footprints in the mud drew you further into the miniature jungle. You were almost out and on the other side when you were grabbed from behind, a hand put over your mouth to dampen your screams.

Whoever it was pulled you backward, knocking you off your feet so you stumbled. The body behind you spun you and pushed you up against a tree, knocking the gun from your hand in the process. You tried to shove an elbow back into their ribs, but it was caught, and you were pinned. Your mind swirled, going through the intel you’d gathered with Dean before the hunt. Both of you had been sure of the headcount, but obviously, you were wrong. One of them must have been away for a few days, but now they were home and pissed.

“Calm down, kiddo, I’m not a monster,” said a very familiar voice as you were pulled away from the tree, but still held tightly. “Just take a breath and relax and we can talk.”

A deep breath, a subtle shift in your body, and the picture in your mind became something almost like your husband, but not. Your muscles relaxed, trusting Dean no matter what was happening, even though your mind still whirled. Through the leaves of the trees and bushes, you saw your husband walk out of the barn, looking for something. Maybe looking for you.

“Of all the things I thought I might see when I walked into your dream, I really didn’t expect to see me.” The arms around you loosened and you whipped around to see a carbon copy of your husband standing there.

Well, almost a carbon copy. Different flannel. Different jeans. Fewer laugh lines around the mouth. Less unadulterated love and affection in the eyes.

“Dream?” you asked stupidly, looking back at your husband as he began searching for you around the barn. You didn’t want to believe it, but as you watched your husband in the distance, you saw the differences, the unreality. That didn’t stop your heart and mind from clinging to him, wanting nothing more than to go back to him.

The Dean next to you sighed. “Yeah, kiddo. I’m sorry, but it’s a dream. You got nabbed by a djinn. Sam’s off getting ingredients for the antidote, but I couldn’t just sit by and watch you dying, so I took some dream root.”

Your husband looked absolutely panicked as he ran towards another part of the tree line, searching for you. The sight pulled at your heart. How he missed your trail through the tall grass was a mystery. You’d have to tease him on his lack of tracking skills later when you got home, after the panic was over.

“I need to go let him know that I’m okay,” you whimpered, taking a step towards where your husband was beating back bushes looking for evidence of you.

Dean gently grabbed your elbow and stopped you. “No, kiddo, you really don’t. He’s not real.” With some effort, he turned you around so you were looking at him, this man who was so close, but not quite your husband. “I’m real, you’re real, and the crappy motel we’re asleep in out there in the real world, that’s real. But this is all crap. You can walk away from it all and come back to what’s real.”

Silent tears dripped down your cheeks. Your mind fought against it, but once the magic trick was revealed, you couldn’t go back to believing. Memories of working beside Dean for years, loving him quietly while he fought and died and came back and fought and died again… they rushed back in and overwhelmed you. Memories of a quiet confession of love, a small wedding, and a shared bed quickly took on the sepia tones of a fading dream. A sob ripped from your throat, and you covered your mouth with your hand to muffle it.

“So,” you croaked, sniffling through the tears, “everything… with him,” you nodded at your husband, still literally beating the bushes to find you, “all the…,” a sob stopped you until you could swallow it down, “all the everything with him, it was all a dream?” Turning back to the Dean in front of you, your heart ripped in two. “Just a stupid fucking dream?” His face twisted as he looked down to avoid your eyes, but he still nodded. “And now you’re telling me that I have to leave?” He nodded again, his eyes still on the ground instead of on you.

Your husband was getting closer. He’d see you in a minute. He’d hold you, and comfort you, and love you the way this Dean never would. You could go home with him, go back to the Bunker, where Sam and Eileen were teaching hunter classes to Jody’s girls and a few other new recruits. Jack and Cas were fixing Heaven but always visited for Sunday dinner. Eileen was pregnant, and you were going to be a godparent, and Dean had already built the crib and bought the biggest stuffed unicorn you’d ever seen. You could go home with him and live an entire lifetime with him and your family until the djinn poison took you.

“No,” you declared. “I don’t have to leave. It’s my choice. I can stay if I want. Even if I know it’s a dream, I can stay here.” Looking at the real man your husband was based on, you shook your head and stepped away from him. “Maybe it’s just a dream, but it’s my dream, and I’m staying.”

Your husband crashed through the bushes and finally caught sight of you, with another Dean holding your elbow in one hand. His gun came up, the safety clicked off, and you stepped in front of the real Dean. The move stopped him from firing but didn’t quell his confusion.

“What’s going on, babe? You know that’s not me, right?”

You nodded, tears still streaming down your face. “I know, but don’t shoot. Please don’t hurt him,” you begged. “Just trust me, okay?”

Pushing Dean’s hand from your arm, you walked toward your husband, arms outstretched. He pulled you close and hugged you tightly, gun still pointed somewhat at the other Dean, murmuring about how worried he’d been when he couldn’t find you.

“Who is this guy, anyway? What’s going on?” he asked you, talking into your hair as he held your head against his shoulder with one hand and continued watching his prey suspiciously.

You’d never felt as safe and loved as you did in Dean’s arms. It didn’t matter where in the world you were, or what was happening around you, in Dean’s embrace was your happy place. You’d do anything to stay there. Even die.

“Nothing you need to worry about, honey,” you reassured him, pulling away so you could look him in the eye. “He’s leaving and I’m staying with you. Till death parts us, and then beyond, like I promised.” Cupping his head with your hands, you kissed him, promising to uphold your vows with every fiber of your being.

“Even if it’s only a dream?” your husband asked, his eyes closed as he touched his forehead to yours.

The surprise that he would acknowledge it rocked you, but your decision stayed the same. Nodding, you glanced back at the other Dean – the real Dean – meaning to say goodbye. What you saw there made you pause: pain reflected in glassy eyes.

“It doesn’t have to be a dream,” he said, almost too quietly for you to hear.

You and your husband froze. “What did you say?” you replied, feeling your thoughts move too slowly to fully understand everything that was happening.

“I said,” Dean answered, taking a deep breath, “It doesn’t have to be a dream.”

Your husband felt you pulling away and tightened his hold on you, tugging your chin so you were looking him in the eye. “I love you, honey, and I love our life and we’re gonna live whatever the badass version of ‘happily ever after’ is, remember?” Tears blurred your view of your husband, but you could see the future with him so clearly. “Sammy and Eileen are gonna have their baby, and we’re gonna have the cutest damn niece or nephew ever, and Claire and Kaia are gonna get married, and we’re gonna do the robot at the reception and embarrass the crap outta them, and we’re gonna keep killing monsters until my knees get creaky and your back gives out, and then we’re gonna retire and help Garth with his monster rehab and teach hunter classes in the bunker, right? Maybe get a little house nearby with a porch we can sit on in the evenings and watch the sunset from our rocking chairs. That’s the plan, right?”

Foreheads pressed together, eyes closed, you both sniffled and nodded in agreement.

“Look, I can’t give you a niece or nephew, or a fancy wedding for the girls, or monster rehab and hunter classes,” Dean said from behind you, “but I can give you nights on Baby’s hood watching the stars, and bad jokes while I stitch you up, and the best bottom-shelf bourbon with a side of diner food after a bad hunt.”

Pulling away from your husband a little, you turned your head to hear Dean’s words.

“I can’t promise we’ll get a little house with a porch and a pair of rocking chairs, but I’ll chase the sunset with you in Baby any night you want. Or, if you want to stay in, we can cuddle on my memory foam and watch movies.”

The arms around you loosened, allowing you to turn around, and you could finally see the emotion in Dean’s eyes.

“I’ve wanted to be with you for so long, I can’t even tell you when it started. All I know is that I’ve always thought you deserved the best, and that’s not me.” He waved at your husband, who had let go of all of you except your hand. “He’s better than me, this world is better than me, and if he were real, if this were real, I’d let you go off and live this life without a single regret.” He shook his head, heaved a deep breath, and shrugged. “But it isn’t real – he isn’t real – and you’re not going to live happily ever after, you’re going to die, and I can’t do it. I can’t let you die if there’s anything I can do to stop it. So, this is me, asking for what I want: a future with you. A future where nothing is certain except that I’ll always do whatever I can to make you happy.”

The last link to the dream faded as you dropped your dream husband’s hand and stepped towards Dean. The world around you changed somehow, the colors turning once again to the sepia tones of the dream that it was.

“I always thought you didn’t think of me that way,” you said, your voice trembling with nerves.

“I’ve always thought of you that way,” Dean replied. “But you were so out of my league, I didn’t think you’d ever think of me like that!”

Staring into each other’s eyes, you both chuckled and then reached out towards each other, clasping your hands and moving closer together. Dean had the beginnings of a goofy smile, and you felt it matched on your own face.

“You really mean it? You really want to be with me?” you asked, needing to hear it just one more time.

“How about you shake off this dream and I show you for real?” Dean suggested, bending over, pulling your trusty knife from your boot, and handing it to you.

Holding the knife in your hand, you felt the rightness of it click into place. Dean had given you this knife shortly after you’d met. He’d picked it out with everything about you in mind. It had engravings on the blade and handle that you thought were beautiful, and the handle was a perfect size and shape for your hand. Looking at it, you marveled at how it was so perfectly you, perfectly Dean, and just all-around perfect. Dean had always loved you, and everything about the knife proved it.

“What do I need to do?”

Dean gestured towards his double standing opposite you.

The other Dean – your dream husband – began backing away. “Honey, no! It’s me! We can fix this! It will feel like a lifetime, but you’ll be safe here! No monsters can kill you here! Eileen’s gonna have a girl and that little warrior princess is gonna wrap me and Sammy around her little finger! There are gonna be tea parties! Don’t you want to see all of that?”

In his rambling, he slowed just enough that you were able to catch up to him and slam the knife into his gut. He doubled over, falling to the ground in a heap. As he bled out, still babbling about how life would have been perfect with him, the dream faded to black.

You woke with a gasp, Dean waking in a similar manner at the same time next to you. You both sat up, looking around the room and patting yourselves down. When your breathing settled, all the aches and pains from being strung up by the djinn slammed into you and you groaned.

“Oh, God, that hurts,” you complained, holding your neck where the thick gauze bandage was covering your wound. Looking down at yourself, you saw the dirty clothes and felt the skunky funk that came from being held captive in a dank basement for most of a day.

Gesturing to yourself in all your post-captivity glory, you commented to Dean, “Are you sure you still want to be with me? I mean, I’m not much of a prize.” Although you were supposedly joking, deep down you were giving Dean an out. Just in case he’d only said what he’d said to save your life, and not because he’d meant it.

Dean shifted on the bed until he was sitting right next to you and then carefully cupped your head with his hands so you could only see him.

“I will always want to be with you,” he said, solemnly looking into your eyes so you would see the truth of his words. “You are the best prize. Better than the prize in any cereal box.”

And then he kissed you.

It wasn’t as flawlessly perfect as the kisses you had in your dream – your teeth clashed a little in the beginning, and Dean tasted a little like the chili lime beef jerky you didn’t like – but it was perfect for you.

#incoherent babbling by mrswhozeewhatsis #mrswhozeewhatsis writes #dean x reader #dean angst #dean fluff #pond s14 weekly challenge

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occult-castiel · 4 years

Text

The Same Page

This is my @destielsecretsanta2020 gift for @eclypseaf!!! The request was open, but bonus points for Miracle being present. So I wrote some post empty rescue fic!

This one honestly gave me a really hard time and I have no idea why. I hope you like it and have has an awesome christmas!

[Ao3 Link]

The portal spits them out in the dungeon.

Dean stumbles out first, a half step ahead of Cas. Human, malleable, and very much alive with one of the little dude's arms draped over Dean's shoulder.

Cas stumbles forward. Dean shoots an arm out in front of him, places a hand firmly against his chest. He maneuvers his other arms under his trenchcoat, grips his side firm.

His skins almost cool to the touch — much too cold to be safe. Not for a human, especially a brand new one.

And what if he's sick? Or gets sick and can't get better? Without his grace, there's a whole new set of worries. A bad flu that gets worse until he's gone, a hunt going wrong, fucking cancer. Heart disease kills pretty much everyone, doesn't it?

He takes a deep breath and focuses on the gentle thud of Cas' heart against his palm.

The last eight months haven't been easy. Not between the alcohol Sam eventually cut him off from, and the hunts getting sparse, and Jack being terrifying and gone until he wasn't.

Cas lulls his head to the side. His inky heart sticks to his forehead, and his blueberry-sweet eyes are unfocused but still manage to catch Dean's.

It's achingly familiar, and he smiles easy. "Hey there, sunshine."

Cas pinches his brows together as his head swims to stay upright. He slurs through some half-baked, nonsense question about coral reef bleaching, and Dean's so relieved he laughs.

Cas smiles at the sound, dazed and feather-light, but the joy is unmistakable.

It's the best thing Dean's ever seen. Fuck, he missed him. Missed him so much he didn't know what to do with himself.

Cas winces — what little help he was giving Dean in holding him up falls. He makes up the difference quick. Weak fingers curl around Dean's wrist.

"Sorry —"

"S'okay. Gonna —" he swallows hard. Tries to shove away the distinct pin-prick in his tear ducts that always means he needs to man the hell up. "Gonna get you to a bed, okay?"

Cas grunts, a pitiful noise that's mostly air and entirely feeble. "Tired."

"Rest then. It ain't far. I gotcha, buddy."

When he nods, his hair brushes Dean's neck.

It's not well thought out. The lack of work and overload of carbs haven't done Dean's muscles any favors. His joints creak and protest every step, but his room isn't far, and he'd be damned before he let's Cas feel like he has to do anything alone this time.

Miracle hops off the bed the moment the door opens.

Dean lays Cas on top of the bunched up blanket. Once he's down, Dean slowly works the trencoast and suit jacket off, his hands careful as they trail across the thin cotton of his shirt.

Cas shivers, and Dean wrestles to tug the blanket out from under him, Miracle nuzzling the side of his leg the whole time.

She's probably hungry. Or just wants attention. He hasn't exactly been available the last couple weeks, too busy with his nose in piles of research. But it all payed off.

Cas grimaces in his sleep, and it twists the cords in Dean's chest. He reaches his hand out and ghosts his fingers across the sweat-stained hair stuck to his skin, gently pushing it to the side.

He'd said it once, not more than a month ago, in the darkness of his room, Miracle tucked as close as he could get her.

He said he loved me, and I — I didn't say it back. But I do. God I do.

Dean trails his hand from his forehead to the flushed pillow of his cheeks. The other knuckles roughly at his eyes and comes back wet.

He has no god damn idea what he wouldve done without Miracle to talk to. Cause he could never get it out to Sam. Not those last moments. Not what Cas really means to him. Always too close to an edge of something larger than any apocalypse they've ever dealt with.

He traces down low enough to brush across Cas' wrist, the pained look still on his face.

Dean swallows, his heart hammers hard in his throat. Timid even though the guy is unconscious, Dean grabs his hand.

His mind blanks. Turns to complete static — a jumble of half-formed thoughts about every reason he ever told himself not to.

He's an angel. The worlds ending. Always ending. He doesn't feel that way. Can't, the equipment for it's not there. It's why he leaves, isn't it? And what the fuck could ever hope to start when it's all always falling apart? When they could fall apart.

Everyone leaves.

A flash of cold prickles down his back, and he tries to takes a deep breath. It goes down ragged. There was something he read once, about picking out a sense.

Cas' breath, slow and steady. The clink of Mircale's claws on the floor. A muted buzz from the florescent lights in the hall.

He breaths again, a little easier. His fingers curls into Cas' palm, and his finger twitch against Dean in response. The dent in his brows relax, his jaw goes slack.

"S'okay Cas." He squeezes. "Just... be okay."

When his phone rings, dumped and forgotten on the other side of the room, he isn't quite sure how to let go. Like the ligaments in his hand have cemented in place, forgotten the muscle memory to make the movements happen.

When the second call comes through, Cas mumbles something. Dean's shoulder slack, and he pulls his hands back, clammy and with a slight tremor.

It's Sam. There's a small tug of guilt — he should've called him the moment he put Cas down. He knows he would've been worried sick if Sam was the one that had to go.

Sam's relieved too, promises to buy stuff for dinner on his way back from where Dean went in the Empty about fifty miles out. And he must hear something in his voice, because he stresses to go watch a movie or something and let Cas sleep it off.

Of course he's right. They knew Cas would be out cold. But leaving the room is still hard, and he lingers in the doorway until he gets a good look at Miracle's mess of tangled fur.

He hasn't brushed her hair, since that's practically what the fur is, in weeks.

"C'mon girl."

He grabs the brush from the bedside table, casts on last look at Cas, and takes Miracle to the TV room.

She hops on the couch next to him, tail thumping with excitement.

"You wanna get pretty to meet Cas later?"

She nuzzles his hand, sticks her nose against the brush, and a little bit of the stress from today lightens up.

He flips on some netflix show about baking food, and talks to Miracle as he starts in on her snout.

It's ritualistic to touch on whatevers going on with her, at this point.

As her fur smooths, he tells her about the Empty. Its piss-poor lighting, the mind boggling way directions work, how it has this awful burnt-licorice and gasoline stench clung to the nothingness of its everything.

It kinda makes his head hurt.

Almost two full episodes in, he has all her fur neat and tidy, and his little monologue has circled back to Cas. She'd know a lot about him if she could talk.

"It's hard to believe he's really back. And — and maybe it'll be good. We could, I dunno, get you a yard?" He nods, smiles. "Yeah, I bet your spoiled ass would like that. The bunker ain't a place for pets."

Miracle leaps from the couch, and someone clears their throat from the door.

Cas stands in the doorway, hunched in on himself. Dark strands of hair twist up in random directions, and the casual clothes Dean left him fit snugly.

He looks... comfortable. Like he slipped into humanity ages ago, not this afternoon.

"Cas."

He tilts his lips up, tight and sheepish. "I see you have a dog now."

"Yeah. Miracle. She uh — she helped me." He motions vaguely to his head. "Might not be batting a hundred up here if not for her."

Cas glances down at her, and the tense smile softens. "I'm very grateful then."

Almost reverent, he scratches the side of her ear.

Dean shakes his head. Blinks. Two things he never thought he'd see side by side mixed with the insanity of the day make none of this seem real.

Deep breath.

"She can — she can be there for you too," Dean says. "If you need it. Dogs are great listeners. Even the Madonna types like this one."

Cas gives a contemplative hum. "They are both blonde."

He puffs a breath of air. It's easy to forget Cas actually knows what he's talking about now, sometimes. Even if he does still miss the point by a mile.

"It was your turn."

Cas raises an eyebrow.

"To, uh, pick a movie." He motions to the seat next to him. "If you want."

Cas runs his bottom lip between his teeth and doesn't look at Dean. Doesn't say anything either. Just nods, walks over, and sinks into the couch.

It's a respectable distance. Close enough Dean would be able to sense him, far enough away they won't touch.

Miracle curls up on the other side of Cas, head flopped on his lap, right next to his balled up hands.

"Is it over?" His voice is small.

Dean doesn't have to ask. "Chuck isn't aproblem anymore." Cas sighs, slinks down bonelessly into the cushions. "We figured it out, took his powers. Jack's fixing up Heaven with it. Says he's gunna do that, find a way to put Amara back together, and then come home."

"Good. I don't think I'm up to fighting standards." He rolls his head to the side. They're close enough Dean can make out each muscle in his neck when he swallows. "You didn't have to save me, Dean. I'd — made peace with that fate."

It's bullshit. It's bullshit and Cas has to know it. He almost tells him a much, but if he can't have that talk now, then he never will.

He licks his lips. It doesn't help the dryness.

"Did you mean it?"

It's a dumb question, but one he needs answered.

Cas doesn't miss a beat. "That and more." The serenity in his words is endearing as it is cutting when he adds, "But we don't have to address it. I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

It's Dean's turn to melt with relief. "Good — that's good."

Cas winces. "I understand if you'd like some space —"

He starts to stand up, and panic seizes Dean's chest like a vice grip. He grabs his wrist and Cas freezes.

"No! God no. Cas, it — it wasn't supposed to happen like that."

He looks confused, before some amount of understanding smoothes out some of the worried lines in his face. His eyes flick down to Dean's mouth for an instant. "How was it supposed to happen, then?"

"I thought, maybe on a hunt? Or — I don't know. Just... " some place I could say it back.

Its not good enough, saying it without saying it. Cas gave a speech. He saved Dean's life, saved the god damn world. All without knowing.

He shakes his head. Starts again. He had enough practice between thoughts he couldn't shove away and late night pet-therapy. "I thought you knew. Hell, I've been scared everyone knows. And if they did, you did too, right?"

"Subtly isn't always my strongest suit."

He laughs, and it's almost on the wrong side of sane. "Don't I know it."

He can do direct.

Slow enough that Cas has time to pull back, he runs his hand up his arm, cradles it against the back of Cas' neck. He leans across the small distance and kisses him.

It's clumsy and unsure, and Cas places a skittish hand on Dean's side like he's not sure what he's allowed to have even now, but their lips mesh together in a way that feels better than anything he can remember.

When they part, he's not sure either one of them are breathing. And he can't look at Cas, not when he says it. Not yet. So he presses their foreheads together, keeps his eyes fully lidded.

"I don't know how you could think you aren't worth saving. You — you're it for me."

"Dean —"

He shakes his head, and the tips of their noses brush. "I love you more than I know what to do with. You know that right?"

Bewildered, Cas says, "I didn't."

"Yean, well. Now you do."

He scoots back in place, flushed firm against the cushion. Their hands tangle together, and their knees are touching, and it's too much and not enough. But mostly not enough. Dean dares a glance over. Cas is staring at their hands, a pleased smile on his face.

And they're on the same page.

"I think you said something about a yard when I walked in?"

Instead of answering he says, "We should retire. I'm too old for this shit."

"Entirely?"

Dean shrugs. "A hunt here and there wouldn't hurt I guess."

"We'll talk about it later." He reaches over him, grabs the remote. "I think you said it was my turn?"

Dean grins, full and toothy. "Yeah, just no more romcoms, dude. I can only take so many."

Cas nods, curt and serious. "Of course."

He does anyway, and it's the best shitty movie Dean's ever seen.

#destiel secret santa #sorry this is being posted so late in the day!!!#my internets broken at the moment so it was very difficult to get it up #and i also couldnt run it through any spelling/grammer checkers #hopefully theres nothing atrociously wrong with it #destiel #deancas #destiel fanfic

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tearsofgrace · 3 years

Text

the final rose: chapter 2

i wrote the next chapter only took me a million years

word count: 5.5k, tags: bachelorette, au, deancas fluff, cowboys

read on archive

Cas didn’t want to be here.

Well, that was a lie.

He wanted to be here… but he wasn’t an obsessed bastard like the rest of the guys here. He wasn’t gonna cheat and fake it to get ahead. He hadn’t even submitted a damn audition tape.

But he was here now, so he was gonna try. And Lisa seemed like a nice enough girl… maybe there was something there. And the guys, regardless of their questionable motives and outlooks on life, were miles beyond easy on the eyes. They were fucking hot.

The first rose ceremony had been a mixture of nerves and hope. He wasn’t exactly sure if he was hopeful of getting sent home or getting to stay, but either way, he was here now. And there was no going back (he could leave… but honestly the free food and nice house made it worth sticking around for just a little longer).

After they toasted, Lisa was whisked away and the producers briefed them on how the different rooms were assigned. Apparently, they weren’t even adult enough to decide their own sleeping arrangements, but he guessed they were probably doing it for the drama anyway.

There were five or six guys in every room. Which was just fine by him. Until it wasn’t.

A producer he didn’t know the name of led them up the stairs into the narrow hallway that led into several other bedrooms. He stood in front of one and called out five names.

“Benny, Harry, Cas, Nick, and, uh,” he glanced down at a clipboard before pointing behind Cas, “Dean. You guys are in this one.”

Cas felt his stomach drop but he kept his face set, there were still cameras on them, after all. Even at night. Even while they slept. Besides, he could deal with Nick, Benny, and even Dean for the short while it would take for them to get sent home. At least Harry wasn’t so bad.

The producer moved on and the rest of the guys followed him while Dean and Benny shuffled into the room, followed by the other three.

Cas walked to the center of the room where their suitcases lay waiting for them and grabbed his, barely sparing a glance at the rest of the guys before climbing onto the top bunk and falling back to stare at the ceiling.

When he forced himself to sit back up, Benny and Harry had claimed the other bunk bed and Nick had sprawled dramatically on the twin in the corner. Dean was just standing in the middle of the room glancing around dumbly.

He glared up at Benny who just shrugged and gestured at his claimed top bunk before jumping off it and rummaging through his suitcase.

“Looks like you’re with me, Winchester,” Cas said, keeping his voice neutral but seething underneath. When Dean looked up at him with barely concealed horror he hid a smile. Time to make the straight boys uncomfortable. “As long as I’m on top,” he added as an afterthought.

Dean just scoffed and grabbed his suitcases before shoving one under the bed and pulling a pair of gray sweats and a loose black t-shirt out.

The other guys moved sluggishly after him, sitting up and rubbing their eyes before getting a change of clothes out. He half expected them to sleep in their tuxes… at least they weren’t that sloppy.

There was only one bathroom on the whole second floor, which was maybe the stupidest part of the whole thing, so Benny, Nick, and Harry all got away to brush their teeth before all the other guys got there.

Cas climbed down from his bed and grabbed his suitcase, resisting the urge to look up at Dean. It was just them in the room now.

He was the exact kind of guy Cas had expected to find here. Arrogant, unfeeling, fuckboy vibes practically rolling off him. He was a dick. But Cas had plenty of experience with dicks.

He changed quickly, and he could almost feel Dean’s eyes burning into him until he looked up and Dean jerked his head away. Cas smirked and climbed back onto the bed, exhaustion seeping in.

Cas took deep breaths as the quiet sound of Dean’s clothes rustling filled the room. Then the bed shifted slightly as Dean settled in below him. With a sigh, he rolled over and pulled the blankets up closer around his neck. It was going to be a long couple of weeks.

He woke up late, looking around blurrily as the sun filtered in through the small window in the corner. He could see Nick, Benny, and Harry all fast asleep in the beds across from him, but when he pulled himself down the ladder (why had he chosen a top bunk again?) Dean’s bed was neatly made and empty.

Cas shrugged and grabbed some clothes from his suitcase before heading to the bathroom. Then he checked his watch, 8:07 am. Okay, so he hadn’t woken up that late.

By the time he was heading down the stairs, the smell of freshly brewed coffee was wafting up from the kitchen. His mouth watered and he rubbed his eyes as he wandered inside, ignoring the camera crew standing to the side and going over a clipboard.

“Morning, sunshine,” Dean said without looking up. “Chris is bringing by the first date card- God, that sounds stupid aloud,” Cas snorted in agreement, “Anyway, he’s bringing it by in an hour or so. I made some food. You hungry?”

Cas squinted, looking at the man in front of him. This isn’t what he’d expected from Dean. Maybe from Mick or even Benny… They seemed like they had their lives together. But Dean?

“What are you doing?” he finally asked.

Dean frowned, looking back to the stove where he was stirring some scrambled eggs. “Making breakfast.”

“Why are you up?” Cas asked, his head tilting further in confusion.

He thought he saw a shadow flit briefly across Dean’s face but before he could be sure, it was gone. “Always get up early. It’s how my dad raised me. Now, c’mon. Get some food.”

“Coffee first,” Cas said dryly, glancing back at the camera focused on them and pushing past Dean to the coffee pot.

The other guys trickled down slowly, clapping Dean on the back and helping themselves to eggs, bacon, and fresh coffee.

Dean took it all well, an easy smile on his face, and Cas felt a stab of jealousy. Pretty, a good cook, charismatic, must be a fun way to go through life.

Some of the guys went out to the pool area, walking around the grounds, but most of them stayed inside, trading meaningless conversation. Before long, one of the producers who had been directing the cameras all morning got the guys from outside and gathered everyone in the living room.

It’s all so fake, Cas thought bitterly, as the producers explained how there would be a knock on the door, Chris was coming to do the date card, blah blah blah. No one actually fell in love on this show. And if they did… then it was pure chance.

He tried to school his face, mindful of the cameras, and looked up expectantly when Chris knocked.

Gordon got up to get it and they watched him go, the forced conversation dying down.

“Gentleman,” Chris said, rubbing his hands together as he walked into the room. “How’s it going? Liking the house?”

Cas smiled and nodded with the rest of the guys, his eyes wandering around, staring pointlessly at the other contestants.

“And what do we think of Lisa?”

That got a bigger reaction, a murmur of conversation running through the room while a few guys got to say their piece.

Good for them, they’ll make it into the episode, even if they don’t get chosen for the date.

“Alright,” Chris said, after congratulating them all again, “Let’s talk about how this works. This week, there’ll be three dates. One group date, two one-on-one dates. If you get a rose on any of the dates, you’re safe. However, if you do not receive a rose on a one-on-one date, you will have to go home. Make the best of those. I have your first date card right here for the one-on-one.”

Most of the guys had been zoning out through Chris’ whole explanation. They knew how it worked. They didn’t need to watch him say the same words he’d said over and over every year. But at the last sentence, they all leaned forward expectantly as he pulled out a white envelope.

“So,” Chris went on, twirling the envelope in his hands, “Have an awesome week. Enjoy your time with Lisa…” he glanced off at the producers for a thumbs up to keep going, “And I hope to see you all at the next rose ceremony.”

He set the envelope on the table and they all stared, transfixed, as he left the room.

Garth, who was sitting closest to it, glanced up at the producers, seeking direction, but got none.

“Open it!” someone called.

After a second, Nick shoved past Garth and grabbed the envelope with a sneer. “I’ll do it.”

He pulled the card from the envelope slowly and Cas felt his hatred for this guy grow. He was looking around at everyone with a slight smirk touching the corners of his mouth, then he cleared his throat.

“Benny,” he started, and everyone turned to look at the lucky winner. “Why don’t you and me have a reel good time?”

Nick snorted and handed the card to Benny, barely bothering to look at him.

“Well, brother, you better go get ready,” Dean said, slapping him on the back.

Benny stood up, looking dazed, and wandered up to his room.

“Benny?” Michael said, voice dripping with scorn as soon as he left the room. “Like, seriously?”

“I know,” Nick agreed.

Everyone else sat in silence, looking uncomfortably at the cameras. Eventually, one of the guys whose name had completely slipped Cas’ mind stood up and followed Benny upstairs. After that, everyone dispersed, looking for something to do in this beautiful mansion with no Wi-Fi, no TV, and no connections to their friends.

Fun.

Dean went to the producers and started making a list of different foods he wanted ordered. Garth went and sat by the pool, dipping his feet in without even rolling up his jeans. And Cas? He went upstairs to find his book, the one form of entertainment allowed in.

He read all morning, already feeling like this was going to be the worst part. The waiting. The boredom. The constant cameras waiting for any sign of drama but mostly capturing the most mundane interactions that had ever happened on the planet.

Benny came downstairs and everyone briefly looked up and wished him luck before he was on his way.

And then they just waited, ate lunch--someone had ordered pizza. Ate dinner--still no sign of Benny. Of course not. These things took all day.

Some of the guys decided to stay up and wait to see if Benny got a rose or not. If they had one more person to worry about or not. But Cas was beat.

He moved towards the stairs and was stopped by a hand on his chest.

“So?”

He turned to see Anna staring at him, a clipboard in one hand and a headset dangling around her neck.

“What?” he asked.

“How’s it going?” a smile grew on her face.

“Good,” he said simply.

“Come on, Castiel,” she said, looking around. “You’re doing me a big favor, at least tell me you like it.”

“It’s going well. I’m glad I’m here,” he forced out, which seemed to satisfy her.

“Good,” she said, moving out of the way. He started up the stairs but stopped when she called after him, “And Castiel?”

“What?” he asked, keeping his voice neutral.

Her red hair glowed in the light of the mansion as her face softened. “Thanks for being here.”

“Of course,” he said quietly, before turning and heading up the stairs. “Of course,” he muttered again once she was out of earshot.

The next day came and Benny was still there, rose in hand, dazzling everyone with amazing stories of his night with Lisa. They’d gone to a real film studio and helped on set, then had a magical dinner in downtown LA.

Cas tried to find the part of himself that was jealous, that wanted that time with Lisa, but it wasn’t there yet. It would be… he was sure. Just not yet.

When the producers pulled him aside for an interview and asked him what getting on this groupdate would mean, he shrugged and said, “I don’t know.”

When they pressed for more information he fought the urge to roll his eyes before saying, “Time with Lisa matters to everyone right now. But a group date isn’t a one-on-one.”

Just then, the doorbell rang and they let him go meet the other guys in the living room, a few of them also trickling in from interviews. Garth went to get the card and stood at the front of the room, pulling everyone in with his magnetic yet ridiculous energy. Cas liked Garth. He was one of the only non-crazies in the house.

“Alright, who’s ready?” he asked playfully, greeted by a loud cheer. Once things had quieted down, he pulled the card out and started reading. “Castiel,” Cas smiled, high-fiving the guys around him with enthusiasm he didn’t really feel. “Gabe,” this should be fun, “Asa, Cole, Garth,” he pointed to himself with a broad grin, “Aaron, Michael, Dean,” Cas zoned out after that, staring fixedly into the faces of the guys around him.

All told, 14 guys were going on the date. 14 guys sharing time with Lisa. A recipe for the perfect night.

Cas refocused his attention on Garth, who had finished the list of names and was now flipping the card over to read the date aloud.

“Gentleman,” he started, and Cas wondered briefly if that was on the card or was Garth’s personal flair, “Let’s bare our souls. Love, Lisa.”

Confusion settled over the room and everyone around him chattered excitedly about what it could mean. What secrets they would have to tell. Cas glanced up at Anna who had a smile touching the corners of her mouth.

He’d seen enough seasons of this show to guess what it was. And he was not excited.

They all got ready upstairs, crowding into each other’s space, barely enough room for the cameras to invade their privacy. He hadn’t seen guys like this care this much about their appearance since he was in college. And even then… well, it wasn’t exactly guys like this

It took three limos to get them all there. Which seemed like an extravagant waste of money but hey, it looked good on camera and that was what counted.

No one really said anything on the ride. Made small talk, mostly. Not that there was much small talk left when they had no connection to the outside world. But there was something about the tiny interior of the limo, the cameras so close, that even at the producer’s leading questions the guys stayed quiet.

When they finally stepped out into the bright sunshine, Cas let out a sigh of relief.

Chuck was there waiting for them, and he gestured to a big building at the corner of the busy street they’d gotten off of and waved them forward, the whole time talking rapidly into the mic by his mouth.

All the guys started making their way over and Cas followed, glancing up briefly at the sign on the building. Squinting against the sun, he could make out the word “Nightclub” in big block letters.

Perfect. So it was what he thought.

He looked back toward the building and saw Lisa standing in front of the big double doors, a broad grin fixed to her face. Her smile was infectious, and he couldn’t help a small smile back as all the guys gathered around.

She exchanged a few words with a couple of them and then held her hands out to the building behind them.

“You guys excited?”

“Yeah!” Garth shouted from the back, throwing in a wolf whistle for good measure.

“Alright, alright,” Lisa laughed. “Anyone have a guess as to what we’re doing?”

Yep.

A hush fell over the group and Lisa laughed again. “Well, it’s gonna be super fun. And the best part is, it’s for charity.”

The group cheered and Cas cast a side-eye at the rest of the group, seeing only Michael not clapping. Dick.

“Anyway,” she said dramatically, her voice lowering as she turned toward the doors, “let’s find out what you got yourselves into.”

The room they followed her into was dark and smokey and blue and pink strobe lights lit up the whole space. Loud music was playing through the speakers and Cas had to lean forward to hear Lisa as she led them into the room and directed them into a line.

Then she turned toward a stage near the front and they all followed suit as the music stopped and the lights dimmed.

A new song started and the lights started up again, this time in sync with the song. As they all watched, a line of men in cowboy hats (and heeled boots too, figures) walked out to the front of the stage, matching the steps to the beat.

Yep, Cas thought bitterly. We’re gonna be baring it all.

The strippers on stage started their dance as the contestants started coming to life, realizing what was happening. Cas watched the stage for a minute--cowboys weren’t really his thing--then turned curiously to see the rest of the group’s reactions.

Most of them were looking incredulously at the stage, laughing nervously and cheering while their eyes opened to the fact that they were gonna be the ones up there soon enough.

But something in the back caught Cas’ eye and he peered closer, letting his eyes adjust to the lights and the smoke.

Dean was staring at the floor, color high in his cheeks, one hand raking through his hair as he shifted side-to-side. Cas glanced slowly from him up to the stage and a smirk slipped onto his face. Then Dean glanced up across the room, and for a split second, their eyes met.

Cas cleared his throat and looked away, trying to make it seem like his eyes had been slipping over the crowd of guys. Really saved that one.

Still. It was interesting. In an observationally interesting kind of way.

Cas filed the interaction away for future reference and turned his attention back to the stage, where the stri- dancers had finished their show to a huge cheer from the guys and Lisa.

Lisa walked out to the front of the group and gestured to a guy who’d come from some back room and was now standing next to her. His leather jacket was only done halfway up, showing his bare chest beneath. Cas nodded appreciatively as his eyes involuntarily moved up the guy’s body. This was more his style.

“Boys,” Lisa started, “I’d like you to meet my friend, Scott. He’s gonna be helping us out today.”

Scott nodded at her and turned to more fully face the guys. “Today, we’re going to be exposing you gentleman,” he paused briefly, glancing at the stage and smirking, “To the fine art of male exotic dancing.” Some of the braver guys in the group cheered again, but silence fell quickly. “Each of you will be performing on that stage later this afternoon. You’ll each have your own coach to help you, teach you the art.”

Lisa stepped forward and smiled warmly at them. “If you guys are a little nervous, that’s okay. This is about trust. It’s about showing me why you’re here, and showing me you can have a great time. I don’t expect you guys to be great at it,” the guys all chuckled here and she joined in, “But I expect you to have fun with it.”

“So,” Lisa’s smile widened and her eyes glinted, “Let’s get to some auditions!”

The guys cheered as Chuck stepped forward, clipboard in hand. “Alright,” he shouted over the crowd. “Everyone up on the stage. Get loose, we wanna see some good dancing up there. You have three minutes to show Lisa what you got, and then we’ll decide which routine you’ll be doing.”

The lights on the stage were bright, and Cas squinted up at them, resisting the urge to raise a hand. He could do this. He could do some stupid dance moves. He glanced over at Lisa, her head bent over a clipboard with Scott, a smile fixed to her face so natural she probably didn’t even know it was there. She was enjoying this. He could- he had to.

The audition song went by excruciatingly slowly, everyone busting out their cringey dance moves and making as much eye contact as possible with Lisa. Cas felt the awkwardness seeping through him and his heart rate kicked up. This was just the goddamn beginning part. He could fucking do this.

And then it stopped. Finally.

Lisa and Scott made a few more notes on the clipboard they were holding, glancing up once or twice at the guys and whispering without pointing.

Then Lisa walked forward with the clipboard in her hand. “Ready to find out how you’re stripping tonight?” she said playfully, winking at Michael who was standing in the front of the group.

The guys all clapped, clearly feeling an energy that Cas didn’t. His world was still spinning, the lights and smoke crowding into his brain and leaving little room for thought.

“There’ll be four different acts today,” Lisa went on. “Two groups of four--firemen and some policemen. One group of three, those guys will be robots. One duet for the cowboys. And,” she paused for effect, “One lucky gentleman will get to do a solo act all by himself as a bachelor!”

Another round of cheering and Lisa shushed them all by holding the clipboard high.

“Should I read the solo up to the groups of four, or the other way?” she asked seriously, looking over their heads at Chuck.

Before he could reply, though, Michael shouted, “Tell us who the solo guy is!”

This got a roar of approval from the guys so Lisa shrugged, glancing down at her clipboard as if to double check.

“The solo act… drumroll, please,” the guys all started hitting their hands on their knees and Cas focused on his breathing, looking down at the floor, away from the lights, the noise… “Garth!” Lisa announced triumphantly.

Everyone turned to look at him, slapping him on the back and grinning as he was ushered away but a coach.

“The duet…” everyone started the drumroll again without prompting, “goes to Dean and Castiel!”

Cas heard his name and looked up, trying to ignore the way everything was moving in slow motion around him. He nodded to the other guys mechanically and fixed a smile on his face, following the coach that took his arm and glancing back to see Dean walking behind him, his face flushed again.

Once they were out of the room, Cas’ mind started to clear a little more, and he looked around, blinking. He could do this. He’d be fine. Just a duet… at least he hadn’t gotten the solo act.

“Alright, my name’s Jay,” the coach said, slapping his hands together. He wasn’t bad looking, Cas mused softly, grounding himself more. “We have about an hour before you guys are supposed to get some sort of lunch, and then another two hours after that before call time. Which is plenty of time to learn about a two minute dance.”

Cas gulped and glanced at Dean, who had lost his flustered look and was standing with a cocky grin on his face.

“Let’s do this.”

The guy took them through the steps, and Cas’ mind settled, falling into the routine. The first half wasn’t that bad. Simple stuff, more about owning the move than skill, according to Jay.

But it was still fucking hard. Cas just wasn’t made to move like this. Not in front of a goddamn live audience. Even for charity.

Dean, on the other hand, was a natural. He made all of it look easy, like he’d been doing it his whole life. And he did the whole thing with a swagger in his step that Cas knew for a fact had to be fake… but it sure didn’t look it.

He kept turning to Cas and winking, giving him little pats on the back, hyping him up. And Cas didn’t want to admit it, but it did help… just a little bit.

After an hour, both Dean and Cas were whisked away by crewmembers for a few interview questions.

The questions were boring. How was he feeling? Some retroactive stuff like, what did he think when he walked in? How did Lisa look today?

Cas answered mechanically, trying to seem excited and not terrified out of his mind.

“And just one more,” Naomi said, tapping at her clipboard. “How’s working with Dean going?”

“Good,” Cas said immediately, the word ripped from his mouth. “Dean’s good at this stuff.”

Naomi just nodded distractedly and waved him away. “Right, right. Thanks, Castiel.”

Cas stood and went into the main stage area where a buffet had been set up. He made a beeline for some honey and toast and then left the room, not bothering to chat it up and see how the other guys were doing.

When he walked back into the rehearsal space, Dean was standing alone in the room, lifting up and examining the cowboy costumes layed out in the center.

Cas cleared his throat and Dean started, whipping around to face him. “Hello, Dean.” The costume dropped to the floor.

“Uh, hey, man.”

Cas took a bite of his toast and regarded him thoughtfully. “Cowboys?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

Dean shrugged and looked down at the outfit. “Wild West was fu-” he glanced at the cameraman behind Cas, “Friggin’ awesome, dude. Don’t tell me you’ve never seen a Western?” he added with a lopsided grin.

“Just Brokeback Mountain,” Cas shot back.

Dean gulped and dropped his gaze. “I’ve never- I don’t know what that is.”

Before Cas could answer Ajay walked back in and pointed to the outfits laid out on the floor.

“Get changed. Bathroom’s down the hall to the right,” he sipped from the iced coffee in his hand and cocked his hip. “Then the real fun starts.”

In the bathroom, Cas slipped the thin material over his head, his chest starting to feel tight again. He made sure all the velcro was tight (he didn’t want it to slip before it was supposed to come off) and then walked out to the mirror where Dean stood waiting.

“Looking good, Cas,” Dean said, one eyebrow quirked up as his eyes tracked over Cas- no, over Cas’ clothes.

“What the hell are we doing?” Cas muttered, hoping it was quiet enough that the mic pack wouldn’t pick it up. There were no cameras in here, at least, thank God.

Dean frowned. “What?”

“I can’t- They’re making us strip, Dean,” he said pointedly, still keeping his voice a whisper. “In front of a bunch of strangers. In goddamn cowboy outfits. What the hell are we doing?”

Dean chuckled a little then stepped forward and reached up, straightening the bolo tie around Cas’ neck.

“We’re just having some fun. Remember why you’re here, man,” he added, before dropping a hand on Cas’ shoulder. He stayed there for a minute, their eyes meeting, and then he turned.

“C’mon, let’s go,” he tossed over his shoulder, pushing open the door.

“Let’s go,” Cas repeated, his heart beating rapidly in his chest. He couldn’t tell anymore if it was from nerves or-

He shook off the thought and followed Dean through the door. He was fine. They got this.

The rest of the dance was even easier than the first half. Cas was starting to think he wasn’t going to make a total fool of himself when Jay turned off the music and spread his hands wide.

“Right. So now, we just got to learn the stripping part of it.”

Cas gulped, his eyes going wide. Jay pointed out the various releases on their clothing, tips for getting it off easily, and then left them to practice, his trained eyes watching them carefully.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Dean got the hang of it in like two seconds. The shirt came off and he whipped it in the air like a lasso before looking at Cas and blushing. Cas just stared back, eyes wide.

Dean let the shirt fall to his side, his eyes still fixed on Cas, a curious expression on his face. And Cas, he couldn’t help but stare back.

Then, from behind them, Jay cleared his throat.

Cas let his gaze slip slowly away from Dean and looked to Jay. His eyes were drifting back and forth between Dean and Cas, but after a second, his eyes landed permanently on Cas. “We need you to learn this too, Castiel. We only have about an hour until you guys need to be in hair and makeup.”

“Makeup?” They both turned to look at Dean.

“Yeah,” Jay continued, “Just simple stuff, makes you look better on stage. Now, c’mon. Let’s finish up here.”

Eventually, Cas got it. It wasn’t that difficult, the rip-away pants and shirt came right off. Dean’s eyes burned into him the whole time, and he pretended he didn’t notice. Pretended he didn’t see his eyes jerking away as soon as Cas looked up at him.

He could do this. He was never going to make hundreds in tips but maybe it was enough for an audience of Bachelor superfans.

Hair and makeup didn’t take long, the producers pulled them away for another round of interviews, and then they were standing with the other guys backstage waiting for the audience to trickle in.

A few of them were fidgeting nervously, but most of them were peaking past the wall, looking at where Lisa sat in the front row.

They were going second. Right after Garth, who had pulled Naomi to the side and asked to go first. Still, Cas was glad they were getting it over with. Better to go now when his heart was still beating then in about twenty minutes when it had stopped completely.

By the time Garth was waltzing out onto the stage, a grin that could be described nicely as goofy and more accurately as idiotic plastered to his face, Cas could barely think straight.

A song Cas didn’t know started playing and Garth opened the buttons on his bachelor costume ever so slightly as he got into his routine. Next to him, Dean chuckled appreciatively and whispered, “Werewolves in London. Good choice.”

Cas’ could only nod, the song became foggy and distant and the lights danced around him again. He felt his breathing pick up again and he looked down, blurry eyes making out his shaking hands.

Shit.

He didn’t know how much time passed. Didn’t notice himself swaying. Didn’t notice the camera guy getting closer to make sure he had a good shot.

And then he was falling.

The jerk of arms stopping his fall brought him back to the world, everything coming back into focus. Dean gripped his shoulders tightly and stood him up, pulling him away from the cameras, hiding at the back of the group.

“Hey, man,” Dean said urgently, his hands tightening briefly before dropping entirely. “It’s okay.”

Cas gulped and silently cursed. Great. Panic attack on national TV and in front of De- Lisa--check. His Bachelorette Bucket List was going great.

“I’m fine, Dean.”

“No you’re not,” Dean shot back immediately.

“It’s-”

One of the P.A.'s Cas didn’t know tapped the back of his shoulder and he whirled around.

“You guys are on in about thirty you need to-”

“Give us a damn second,” Dean cut in. “Look at me.”

Cas turned back to face him and took a deep breath.

“You sure you’re good? We don’t have to do this.”

Cas inhaled deeply again before letting it out. “Yes. I’m- I’ll be okay.”

Dean met his eyes for what felt like another ten minutes before finally nodding, the concern slipping from his face. “Then let’s fucking do it.”

He ignored the disapproving stare on the P.A.‘s face at his word-choice and led the way through the crowd and up the stairs.

Cas followed him, eyes on Dean’s back, too shaken to look anywhere else.

The music started up and they took the stage, the crowd going wild, Lisa in the front with a soft smile, her hands crossed over her legs as she leaned forward.

He glanced at Dean just one more time, and then turned to face the crowd.

Let’s fucking do this.

#destiel #fics #my fics #spn fanfic #supernatural fanfic #spn fan fiction #destiel fanfic #deancas fic #destiel fic #destiel ficlet #my writing #adding tag list later

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billiewena · 3 years

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for the 100k fic celebration, here a portion of the “what if 10x05 had a sastiel agenda?” AKA lil shit sam/jealous dean destiel fic I first shared a while back! been having a lot of fun basically rewriting and expanding on the entire musical episode with new songs (and lots of cute kristen & siobhan moments because OF COURSE they’re still a couple.) it was really encouraging to see the positive response to it back then and it's been taking forever because of work/other writing but I’m so excited to have this one be the first full-length fics I ever post.

It starts with costumed teenagers locked in a tight embrace with absolutely no room for Jesus.

“What are they doing?”

Marie glances over her shoulder for only a brief second.

“Kids these days call it hugging,” she says slowly. Geez, it would’ve been less insulting for her to just outright say Wow, you’re old.

Except it’s not just any of the show’s stars hugging over there. One of them is the “Dean” who’d been mid-rehearsal when they arrived and looked more like Bieber than him with the blonde wig. And the other? Well, he would recognize that Columbo coat anywhere.

“Is that in the show?” he asks, pointing their way.

Marie quickly shakes her head at the accusation. “Oh, no. Siobhan and Kristen are a couple in a real life.”

He nods and lower his hand. Got it. That’s all it was. Everything’s fine. Nothing to worry about—

“No, my play explores the nature of Sastiel.”

“The — wait, what?” he says, confused at once.

“Sastiel?” Marie pauses, giving him a second to figure it out. He doesn’t. “You know, the relationship between Sam and Castiel?”

Dean blinks.

“Sam and…C-Cas?”

“I know, I know. Edlund’s series never finished. I’m lucky I got these drafts. Ugh, it’s Midnight Sun all over again. But the love story is all in the subtext,” she says with confidence. “Can you believe there are people who still think Destiel is endgame? After everything that happened after the angels fell? After Gadreel? Please.”

He silently sounds out the word. Des-tiel? Wait…

“Ever since Cas came back from the dead and took on Sam’s pain, I knew. I just knew. Every one of their arcs had been parallel to each other’s from their fall from grace to the trials. And now with Dean gone, all they have…is each other.”

Marie sighs. “Besides, you can’t spell subtext without S-E-X.”

He coughs and nearly chokes on an asteroid-sized lump in his throat.

“I…uh. Yeah, th-that’s not…you know, I think I’ve seen enough,” Dean says with a forced smile. “Thank you for your, ah, time. I’ll, uh, we’ll follow up if we have questions about the missing persons case. I—alright.”

And with that he purses his lips, turns on his heel and walks away — nearly tripping over one of the stage chords as he does. Why are there are so many of them anyways? This is just some all-girls school production, not the goddamn West End.

He finds Sam in his natural nerd habitat (the tech booth) sifting through all the bins of A/V supplies.

“Yeah, not to interrupt the blast from the past here but it’s time for us to go,” he says, patting the door.

His brother shoots him an annoyed look but packs up and follows him out all the same. Not that Dean bothers to wait for him; no, he makes a beeline for the car as soon as he leaves the booth.

“Hey, what’s with the rush?” Sam calls after him as he runs to catch up with him at the school entrance.

“No rush,” he says shortly. “Just wanted to see what you found out before you got too lost in the nerd sauce over there.”

He doesn’t need to look back to know he’s on the receiving end of a Classic Sam Bitchface right now and continues to stomp his way through the parking lot.

“Well, no EMF, no hex bags. None of their props are remotely hinky. Talked to Maeve and all those extras in the auditorium.” Sam finally catches up and walks side-by-side with him now. “You have any more luck?”

“Nah. Ms. Chandler's office is just a pile of empty bottles and regret. She's probably just face down in a bar somewhere. Or a ditch. I did get to hear all about the director’s, ah, creative vision though,” Dean says, teeth gritted. “Apparently we go into space, I become a woman, and there’s even ninjas and robots!”

“Robots. Huh. Well, that’d definitely be a new one.”

“There’s no robots in Supernatural—”

“I-I know that,” Sam says in exasperation. “I just mean it’s, y’know, innovative. And Dean we’ve fought weirder. Remember the teddy bear? The fairies? The ballet shoes?”

“Well, you just wait until you hear about what she in store for you, Lover Boy,” he says.

And that makes Sam do an instant double-take.

“Uh, Lover Boy?”

“Yeah, your number one fan back there —” he says, gesturing back towards the school, “— was telling me all about the play’s, uh, love story between you and Cas. You got something you’ve been meaning to tell me or what?”

“The love story? Wait, what do you mean me and Cas?”

Dean scoffs, already in utter disbelief of the words he was about to say. “Like you and Cas, together. Together together? Romance of the ages the way she made it sound. Apparently it’s all in her play!”

To his surprise though, Sam just… laughs. “Well, I mean hey, that’s an improvement from the ones who wrote about me and you.”

“You got that right,” he agrees with a shudder. Meeting one Becky the Stalker was bad enough. Knowing she wasn’t alone and that she had an audience made it even worse. “She even had a portmanteau for you, dude. Like you’re some celebrities in a grocery store tabloid. Sass-tiel.”

“Sass-tiel?” He seems to seriously consider it but shrugs. “I don’t know. What about… Samstiel? CasSam? Cam? Mmm, maybe not that…”

Dean groans. “Really? That’s your issue with this?”

“Of course it’s not my issue,” Sam says. He stays pensive for a few more seconds until chuckling again to himself this time, as if he’s the only one in on a private joke. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, Cas is great but…”

“Not your type?”

“Yeah, sure,” Sam says. No, it’s definitely more than that and he’s doing a piss-poor job of hiding his amused expression.

Dean turns and stares him down. “What?”

“I dunno,” he says, his smirk fully visible now. “I just think it’s funny they’re pairing me up with Cas when the one with the ‘profound bond’ with him is right there.”

“Oh, haha. You’re hilarious,” Dean retorts at once.

“Hey man, I’m not the one who stayed in Purgatory for a year to find him.”

His glare takes on a murderous edge.

“Okay. You know what? You’re going to do that thing where you just shut the hell up! Forever!”

Sam holds up his hands in either what’s either a show of innocence or surrender.

“Alright, alright. Well, other than the Charlie Kaufman of it all I got nothing.”

“So…what?” Dean says. “This-this all... This whole musical thing, everything, it's... it's all a coincidence? There is no case?”

“Unless you're seeing something I'm not, no, Dean. There's no case here,” he says sincerely this time.

“Come on. This has classic Trickster vibes all over it.” He almost wants to turn around and start yelling, Come on out Gabriel you bastard!

“Trickster’s dead, man. And he wasn’t just a trickster, he was an archangel. And they’re all gone too.”

“Could be a lower-rank angel?” Dean tries. “I mean, Zachariah pulled off an entire apocalypse world. And that place where we were both corporate drones. Before you know it, this’ll get all Buffy and it’ll be me and you singin’ and dancin’—“

“Dean…I think it’s just fans. Look, as long as they’re not putting another love spell on one of us I couldn’t really care less what they’re doing,” Sam says with some bitterness, clearly not looking back at that particular memory with any fondness. “Just writing some songs? I mean, it’s innocent enough.”

“Oh yeah, so innocent,” he scoffs. “They’re singing about our dead parents, your demon blood bender, the apocalypse, all of it! This is just…it’s make-believe for them! But it’s our lives!”

Sam runs a tired hand through his hair. “Look, I don’t get it either man. I wasn’t exactly thinking about the books’ entertainment value while Chuck was describing my sex life in vivid detail—“

“Don’t remind me,” he says, holding up a hand in disgust.

“—but I dunno. There’s obviously something about it they connected to, right? Something they related to, something that moved them, inspired them? And I guess…I mean, what’s wrong with that?”

There is so, so much wrong with that.

“I don’t know what story they’re reading and what Sam and Dean they’re ‘connecting’ to here. But it sure as hell ain’t us. I mean…they even made me blonde, dude.”

“It’s a high school play, what can you expect?” Sam laughs. “It was probably the closest wig they could find at Party City.”

Dean ignores him, muttering aloud as he makes his way to the driver’s seat.

“The hair…the singing…the robots… the love story…”

“You really were bothered by that, weren’t you?” Sam gives his brother a curious look.

“SUPERNATURAL ISN’T A ROMANCE!” Dean snaps. “Look, these girls obviously don’t know what they’re talking about—“

“I dunno, Dean,” Sam said in a clearly taunting voice now. “Maybe you’re just jealous of what me and Cas have.”

He flushes. “W-what? I-I’m not—“

“We could give you two a name too, y’know? So you don’t feel left out? What about…Dee-stiel? CasDean?”

And he refuses to entertain this conversation any longer.

“Shut your face! Get in the car!”

Thankfully Sam notices the shift in tone and obliges at once.

Dean, meanwhile, takes a moment outside the car to glance around — almost as if checking to see if anyone overheard that comment. Not that it mattered. Who could overhear? No one even knew they were THE Sam and THE Dean. Who cared? He certainly didn’t care. He didn’t care at all...

(to be continued)

#if you were one of the people who offered to beta read back in march know I WILL be reaching out to because I need it lol #destiel #destiel fanfic #destiel fanfiction #fanfic #spn 10x05 #also this is a given but if you did want to be tagged when this is posted hmu!#been having so much fun with this especially with writing the new songs #also tbh the musical itself is the closet I will get to writing a sam & cas fic so that's been fun too lol #ESPECIALLY because then I can immediately add dean's reaction to it which is typically 'time to walk straight off the stage'#it's also fun to write a s10 fic since I'm a 'dean's been in love since s8 at least' truther #anyways new to this and my untreated adhd means I make a gazillion typos/take forever to work on things/get distracted by new ideas but #literally every positive comment on that first post is the reason why I'm still workin' at it

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mittensmorgul · 3 years

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Not an ask, just a thought that has probably been talked about to the bone, but thinking about despite how much Dean and others undersell his intelligence and misunderstand his motivations, he still took the time to get his GED. Like, as a hunter, he doesn't really have any need for it - no one's asking for credentials - and yet he did that one thing. Out of self-consciousness, or a desire to prove to himself he could do it, idk, but that is something that is sticking in my brain today.

I know, right? I personally get the feeling that a lot of Dean’s “Sam’s the smart brother” and the way he talks about anything to do with studying or learning stems from his own rationalization of his sacrifices so that Sam could have as normal an education as possible. It was never that Dean WASN’T just as smart as Sam, but that he never had the mental and emotional space to invest in his own education the same way Sam did. He never had “leisure time” the way Sam did, he had stress about John, about hunting, about monsters, about taking care of Sam in ways that far exceeded John’s orders to him.

I mean, John told Dean to watch out for him, to keep the secrets from him (which worked until Sam was old enough to go digging through John’s journal on his own and push Dean into telling him some of the truth), and even then Dean gave Sam just the basics. We saw Dean ordered to literally stand guard over Sam when he couldn’t have been more than nine years old, armed with a gun and given almost no information about the thing it certainly looked like John had been using his children as bait to lure in...

Imagine growing up like that, where doing almost ~anything~ for himself was punished as disobedience, with the potential punishment spelled out as “if you fail, Sam dies.” It’s bound to fuck someone up big time, you know?

So Dean rationalized. He framed himself as “not smart enough” or “not as good as Sam” or “I’m only good for grunt work.” Because that was how he justified it to himself.

*pauses to cry about Dean for a while*

This was the performance Sam bought into about Dean, and only on exceedingly rare occasions did he admit he could see through the mask. This is why their pride at swapping the lines about “hey, I read” in 9.04 pisses me off so much. Dean *does* read. He, in fact, being a nerd for horror/fantasy/sci fi in ways that Sam never was was KEY to his characterization, and I (like Robbie Thompson) will never not be mad they took that from Dean in an episode where we were shown he shared that with Charlie, our secret lil nerd who took pleasure in storytelling, in telling his OWN story, even if it was largely just for *himself.*

Because HE DOES find his own escapism from the grim responsibility and duty of his own life through movies, television, and books. He’s just as capable of intellectual pursuits as Sam is, just as capable of research and understanding as Sam is, only he was never given a CHANCE to succeed academically the way Sam was, because Dean didn’t have a big brother making it possible for him to do that.

So why the GED? Why even bother? Was he just stuck in some town babysitting Sam while John was off hunting and saw they were offering the test? Just took it on a whim to see if he could pass? Killing time while Sam was off being a mathlete one afternoon? Or did he do it after Sam left for Stanford? Was he entirely on his own at that point and thought, well without having to always watch out for Sam, I can do whatever I want now, and maybe what I want is to prove I could’ve done that too, maybe I could’ve got out and gone to college and had a life like Sam wants...

Not that he would’ve left hunting and run off to try to be normal, but just to prove he could.

This sort of observation about Dean was why I wrote Dean's Days Off, because I just *know* he carved out time to do stuff just for himself-- stuff Sam would’ve thought was incredibly out of character for him, stuff that John would’ve punished him for, stuff Dean himself may have felt was “shirking his duty” or otherwise not being the good little soldier John had forced him to be.

He’s just as smart, just as intelligent, just as intellectually curious as Sam is, and he deserved to have a life of his own. Sometimes I think Cas was the only character who truly got that...

How is it that every post now comes back around to the finale and how absolutely fucked it was?

#oh DEAN #dean is a genius and if you disagree you can fight me #spn 15.20 #shameless self promotion #for my fic link :'D #i'm always here for crying about dean #Anonymous

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huntertales · 3 years

Text

Part Two: Vices And Virtues. (Rock And A Hard Place S09E08)

Episode Summary: Sheriff Jody Mills enlists the help of Y/N and the Winchesters to help investigate multiple kidnappings that belonged to the same chastity group. The three decide to infiltrate the group for themselves. But things go wrong when Y/N and Dean disappear. Sam and Jody must rescue them before it’s too late. Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader Warning: Descriptions of intimacy Word Count: 5,728.

Previous Part | Supernatural Rewrite Masterlist

A/N: I tried something with this part...don’t know if it’s gonna come out good or totally suck. Obviously you guys know what you’re getting yourself into with the context of this episode. I really didn’t know how to add proper warning that would make sense, so bare with me. Obviously read at your own discretion. I hope you guys enjoy!

You'd do just about anything for a hunt if it meant an innocent life could be saved from disaster, or worse, death. YAnd you did your fair share of stupid things over the years. Sitting here in an abstinence support group after regaining your virginity was on the top of the list. You sat on one of the fold-out wooden chairs and patiently waited for your first and only meeting of "Abstinence Purifies Us" to begin. It seemed the group was going to be much larger than you realized it was going to be when you saw a crowd of women come into the room designated for things such as this. What you noticed right away when everyone formed a circle to start the meeting was that there was not a single man in sight besides the brothers.

While you continued waiting, you went on thinking about how regaining your virginity at your age would be slightly strange as well, presuming almost all of the group in the group were going to be those who were high school aged to some in their twenties. You were a bit surprised to see a few who appeared to be possibly other than you. Perhaps they were like you, born-again virgins like you who wanted a fresh start in life. You folded your hands in your lap and patiently waited for everyone to join and get started.

“Good afternoon, everyone. I’m Suzy.” The woman sitting at the head of the circle spoke up and introduced herself after spotting a few new faces in the group. “I’d thought we’d begin with a silent prayer for our missing friends.”

You and Sam closed your eyes and lowered your head out of respect for everyone else when they did the same. Dean didn't see much of the point, seeming to be lost in his own personal thoughts when he stared at Suzy to follow her directions. You opened your eyes to check up on Dean, only to see he was being stubborn as usual. You cleared your throat and shot him a warning glare to play along. He quickly did as everyone else, knowing it was better to go along with the part without causing too much suspension. You rolled your eyes before shutting them again for a few more seconds before Suzy concluded the prayer.

“Now,” Suzy finally moved on to the actual beginning of the meeting after getting the formalities out of the way. “Does anyone have anything they’d like to share?”

"I wrote a new piece of verse." A young woman eagerly raised her hand, deciding to go before anyone else could try. She picked up a pink piece of paper and stood up from her seat. "It's called 'Sex is a racket, and God's ball is in your tennis court."

You were expecting to hear all sorts of different things during this meeting, but that one not one of them. You had to cover your hand with your mouth to keep the smile that crossed your face from showing how ridiculous the work sounded. You quickly composed yourself when you caught the disapproving shake of the head from Sam. You wanted to hear what was written, but it seemed Suzy declined the offer, not wanting to hear it today. It seemed she was trying to save the new members from not coming back next time for a bad first experience.

“And we would love to hear that, Tammy—later.” Suzy politely shot down the woman from letting her read to the group. You swore a few people seemed relieved at not being forced to listen to another one of the woman’s works. Tammy's smile slowly fell from her lips at being shot down from her writing she spent working so hard on. She sank down to her seat as Suzy directed her attention to you and the boys. “Why don’t we hear from our new friends? Sam, what brought you here to reclaim your virginity?”

You looked over at the younger Winchester to hear his response. He suddenly appeared to be a deer in headlights when everyone's eyes landed on him, curious to see what his answer was going to be. He wasn't sure what to say, in all honesty, he decided to go with the truth. "Well, I guess because every woman I've ever had relations with, uh...it...hasn't ended well."

“He’s not lying.” You mumbled to yourself, knowing from personal experience. It seemed your comment didn’t go unnoticed from the man himself. You turned your head to see his infamous bitch face flash in your direction. “What? Sorry, Sammy, but it’s the truth.”

“Thank you for sharing, Sam. Stay strong. Stay pure.” Suzy said. The motto was chanted by everyone else in the group before the next person was up to share. And from the way it seemed to be, you were up next. “What about you, Y/N? What set you on the path away from sin?”

"Well, I guess I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I feel at this point in my life I need a fresh start. I haven't liked the way it's turned out since I lost my virginity." You began with your reason why you were here, thinking quick on your feet for a reasonable answer. Sometimes honesty was the best policy. So you went from there. "Funny enough, I gave it up pretty late in life. I was actually a virgin up until I was twenty-seven. Sex wasn't important to me. I was focused on other things. And if I'm being honest...I was scared to give it up to anyone else. It's such an intimate thing for someone to do. Sure, some might think sex is fun, and while they—"

You wanted to say that someone had the right to have sex with whoever they wanted, a natural reaction when it came to your way of thinking. You managed to bite your tongue in time before you could say it, remembering the crowd you were speaking to. "Basically, I wasn't in a rush to lose it. But I knew who I secretly wanted to be my first."

You turned your head to look over at Dean, a smile creeping across your lips at the honesty even he didn't know about. "It was a spur of the moment kind of thing. We just said our first 'I love yous' to each other and somehow one thing led to another…and we made love in the backseat of his old Chevy. It was out in the middle of an empty field at night, just the two of us with the radio playing in the background. All of it felt perfect, if I’m being honest.”

You swore you saw a few ladies drift off into personal thought of what it might have been like. A sort of dreamy expression when they saw Dean. He looked like the kind of guy who could charm the pants off anyone. While they were saving themselves for marriage, you saw the wandering eyes, the hidden lust even they couldn't ignore. A little bit of satisfaction came over you knowing he was all yours to keep.

“I realized a lot of bad things feel good in the moment. I had to learn the hard way temptations like mine come with consequences." You went on. "I discovered mine the morning after I gave up my virginity. It turned out Dean was doing something behind my back, something that broke my heart."

"He cheated on you?" Bonnie felt the need to cut in, her pretend sympathetic expression was hidden behind a told-you-so kind of tone.

"Sure. He...cheated on me." You went on with the lie, knowing the truth would sound bonkers to these kinds of people. "Anyway, what trust I thought I had in him disappeared. Lying to me about something like that hurt me. I guess it was God's way of punishing me. But I didn't listen. I ended up doing some other things I regretted."

"This is a safe space, Y/N." Suzy reassured you after falling silent, wanting to act as if you were still guilt ridden to this very day. "Anything you admit today will not be faced with judgement. We're here to help one another. Confession can be a great way to start over."

"During our breakup, we decided to go our separate ways for a while. Dean dated a nice woman while I stayed single. However, while I tried to be good, I lost myself again to the temptation of sin. One day when I was feeling my lowest and drinking way too much. Sam and I..." The ladies all collectively raised their brows, curious and hanging off your every word about what you were going to say. You let out a sigh, pretending as if you had been holding your breath. "We had sex. I mean, it wasn't like what Dean and I had. It was mindless, rough sex. Our souls weren't in it. Sex always seems like a good idea because it feels good. That is, until you come down from the high and realize what did."

"And you never did it again?" Bonnie asked you, her little too wide-eyed stare pointed in your direction from what you admitted.

"Oh, no. We hooked up on and off for a year behind Dean's back. And we denied it every time he asked us." You said, adding fuel to the discomfort slowly growing across Bonnie's face the more she heard. "But it made me realize how much I loved my boyfriend. Whenever I slept with someone else, it didn't feel right. And I'm sure he would say the same thing with every chick he brought back from the bars before we started dating. If anything, his biggest sin would be the slew of sloppy one night stands." You turned your head and gave the older Winchester a bright smile as you reached out to grab his hand and embraced with your own. "Right, honey?"

"Thank you for that...interesting share, Y/N." Suzy said. From the looks of it, she was still trying to wrap her head around the details you painted for her and the group. Everyone chanted their slogan to you before moving on to the next person up to share. "And what about you, Dean?"

"Like my loving girlfriend has told you, I have a history of one-night stands. I wasn't a prude. To me, Sex has always felt—I don't know—good, you know? Relationships weren’t for me. It was always too...complicated. It was better to hit it and quit it.” Dean chuckled at the joke that sounded funny to him, but landed on deaf ears. His smile slowly faded as he got more serious to match the tone of the room. “That was until I met Y/N. If there’s one thing I learned while we’ve been together, it’s the thrill of getting to know the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. And I guess like your virginity, you want to give it to someone special. You want to give all of yourself away to this person. For a long time I thought that wasn't for me. Sex has always been about the pleasure. It was fun. You know?”

Dean was trying his best to work with the crowd to try and get them to understand where he was coming from here. But it seemed he lost them again. Nevertheless, he went on with his confession. "But, uh...sometimes all those hookups make you feel bad, you know? You're drunk. You shack up. Then, it's the whole morning thing. You know, 'Hey, that was fun.' And then, 'adios,' you know? Always the 'adios.'

"I got tired of that. I hated filling the void in my heart with something temporary. I guess life kicked me in the pants at some point and made me realize what I really wanted. I wanted Y/N. And I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. And, yeah, we kind of did things backwards...had a few bumps in the road. But isn't that what life is all about?” A few women nodded their head in agreement while the others verbally answered. "If anything, being in a long committed relationship made me appreciate how sex can be something meaningful."

You had to admit, Dean had you in the first half of what he was saying. He sounded genuine with his words, as if he was putting his heart into this and playing up the role to make a good impression. Until it veered in the direction you should've feared. "Like I said, sex has always been fun. I'm not denying that. And it's even better with a life-long partner. You get to explore their body in an intimate way no one else will ever be able to do. Know what makes them go crazy . Isn’t that what it comes down to, right?

"There's the touching and the feeling all of each other, knowing exactly where to go that gets them all excited. There’s no fumbling around. You just get straight to the point.” Dean was officially having too much fun at this point when he realized almost everyone was hooked in his words, yourself included. He dropped his voice so it was lower, almost sensual. “My favorite part is being able to trace every inch of her body, touching the places that only I get to see. In the moment it’s just the two of us moving together, pressing and pulling...grinding."

Dean was and always will be a flirt, it was in his personality. A special skill set of his that you admired even before got together with him. Sometimes all it took was a pretty smile for you to feel swooned. While he might annoy you with that mouth of his most of the time, he also could get you in the mood. And it seemed you weren’t the only one starting to awkwardly shift in your seat from the way he was going on. You scratched the back of your ear as you tried to keep yourself focused and not lulled into a fantasy while he went on.

“You forget about everything and everyone around you when you hit that perfect spot. All you can think about is reaching the end. And slowly, everything just builds and builds and builds until it all just..." Dean made an explosive noise to sneakily hint at what he was saying, trying to keep it family friendly. Tammy found herself lost in the moment, crushing the paper with her written verse, as if she was trying to calm herself down.

Sam was starting to hate his brother at the moment. The room shifted to an awkward tone after hearing what kind of filth Dean thought would be appropriate enough to speak about. Simple talk that got even the prudent of virgins fidgeting in their seats. You weren’t saved from his ever present glare when you happened to feel his lingering stare upon you. You guessed it was for the confession you made yourself, and not stopping Dean when you should’ve. You innocently shrugged your shoulders and looked on, never admitting to the fact you were lost in the moment like every other woman here. Sam’s expression changed into his infamous bitchface to his brother, appearing again in the span of a few minutes.

“But the whole thing was just a little too, uh...sticky. And complicated. So, uh, I got my ‘V’ card back so I can do things right.” Dean topped off his confession with a smile and a slap to his knee. “The end.”

After Dean’s explicit confession, the meeting continued on like normal without anything titillating details from the other members. You half-listened to everyone else as they took the opportunity to confess themselves of what almost tempted them this week along with a couple of Bible verses being read aloud to help strengthen the bond to their abstinence before wrapping up things. You helped clean up the chairs and tidy up things, deciding it was the least you could do after your share.

Luckily the meeting continued on like normal without anything else more...exciting from the other members. You half listened to everyone take the opportunity to confess this week what tempted them and a couple of Bible verses before wrapping up. You helped clean up the chairs and tidy things up, deciding to be a little bit respectful after the share you had. To be honest, you said all of those things out of fun, knowing your sexual history was a tad bit odd compared to most.

You made your way back over to the boys after all of you did your share to help clean up the place, letting everyone else mingle among one another. Sam didn’t waste a second after getting you and Dean to enough of a deserted spot to share his discomfort felt during the entire meeting because of the both of you. You broke out into a smile even before he could get the words out.

“So, wee bit of an over share, guys?” Sam sarcastically asked you, still squirming around at the details forever burned in his mind. You let out a chuckle in amusement. “It’s not funny, Y/N.”

“Kind of is, Sammy.” You teased him.

“I was purifying.” Dean said, going to his defense about the reason why he went so graphic. He found himself losing track of focus when he spotted the consular, Suzy, talking to one of the members. “Hey, she look familiar to you? Swear I know her from somewhere.”

“Pack it up, Casanova. That stupid line might work, but you’re not single anymore.” You reminded him.

“Oh, sweetheart, there’s no one in this world I want to give up my virginity to again besides you.” Dean laid it on thick with the flirtation when you took his words the wrong way. You rolled your eyes. “Seriously. It’s bugging me. Come on, let’s go find out.”

You felt a tap on your shoulder, delaying you from responding to Dean’s request. You looked over to see it was Bonnie standing there with a too wide of a smile. “I’ll catch up in a second, hun. The girls need to talk.” You joked with Dean, nodding your head to Bonnie. He escaped before he could find out what she wanted to talk to you about. You returned the smile when you glanced back over to her. “Hey.”

“So?” She asked you, curious for you to answer something you had no idea what for. You raised your brows and continued to smile, wondering what the hell she was baiting. “How did you like the meeting? That was quite a share.”

“I loved it. I know, but I feel so comfortable around you guys. This is the first time I’ve ever come clean about this stuff to someone else.” You said. You decided to play along for the hell of it, laying on the act extra thick as you went on. “You know, I couldn't help but think of those who weren't here.”

“Oh. Honor. She's my favorite.” Bonnie said, sadly smiling at the mention of the missing member. Before she could continue this riveting conversation, Bonnie found her attention lingering over to the snack table where she saw one of the women sneaking an extra snack for later. “Would you excuse me?”

“Of course.” You said, stepping out of the way to Bonnie could tend to whatever needed her attention. You thought you might be able to finally sneak away and join Dean, who seemed to be in conversation with Suzy. However you were stopped again by another member. She seemed angry for some reason. “Oh. Hi, there.”

“Her favorite?” She ignored your friendly greeting, too worked up at what she overheard Bonnie say. “She has no idea what kind of girl Honor is.”

“You don't say. Uh, Tammy, right? The poet?” You asked, remembering her name from the horrible poem verse you were able to avoid. She nodded her head. You looked around to see where Sam was, hoping you might be able to sneak away, only it seemed he had your luck when he was cornered by Bonnie after she squashed whatever pulled her away. You withheld the urge to sigh and turned your attention back to her. “Tammy, why don't don't you tell me what kind of girl Honor is?”

That was the wrong thing to ask. She went on a rampage of what kind of person Honor was. You tried your hardest to sound interested as you nodded your head every once in a while, trying to be polite. This wasn’t the kind of stuff you cared for. Or would help the case. “And I bake real cookies for the bake sale. Honor just brings Oreos!” She went on, making you pretend to be shocked. “I mean, she’s not as innocent as everyone thinks she is.”

“What do you mean by that?” You asked her, your tone shifting into a more serious one.

“All I’m saying is that she’s going to hell.” Tammy said. “And you would be too if you didn’t confess those things and come here to repurify yourself. I bet you feel so much better.”

“For sure. I mean, I already been to hell twice. Not fun.” You said. You let out a breath of relief when Dean waved his arm up in the air, catching your attention. His face scrunching up in confusion as to why you were still talking to Tammy. “Could you excuse me? My boyfriend needs me.”

“Is that supposed to be like some kind of metaphor…?” Tammy’s expression dropped at hearing what you just said, making her confused. “Oh! Nice talking to you!”

You politely smiled before turning around and finally headed over to Dean and Suzy, wondering what kind of trouble he was getting himself into during your short time away. You doubt he made a good impression on the woman. But it seemed she wasn’t as quick to judge one from the way she was casually speaking to him, no spouts of words about the damnation he was going to face after death. She seemed the most approachable out of anyone here. Maybe that’s why she was in charge of running the group here. You politely squeezed yourself into the conversation when Suzy spotted you lingering before she smiled, welcoming you right in.

“I hope he’s not bothering you too much.” You playfully joked with the woman. “Dean tends to get a bit excited about these kinds of things. If there’s anything he loves more than me it’s God.”

“Suzy and I were just talking. I swear I’ve seen her face before. I just can’t put my finger on it.” Dean said. “But we were also discussing the fact that she does private counseling.”

“Really? So everyone in the group dishes to you?” You asked curiously.

“They confide. Abstinence is really rough without support and education. It’s a wonderful thing the both of you decided to go on this journey together.” Suzy said, smiling in a kind of way that was admirable for the clear love you and Dean had for each other. And yet you could see there was almost a sadness behind it, almost envious. “Hey, you know what? I have some great books on the vow that really helped me. I live close. I'll just go grab them.”

“No, that’s okay—“ Dean tried to protest the idea of making Suzy go through all the trouble, wanting more to get back to the motel. You quickly cut him off, making his grip around your waist tighten ever so much.

“With a kidnapper on the loose? We can go with you.” You suggested. Out of anyone, Suzy seemed like a sweet woman who wasn’t going to bombard you with guilt over your past behavior. Maybe if you got her alone she might be able to tell you something about Honor and the other missing couple. “Let Dean and I walk you home.”

“No, I'll be fine.” Suzy reassured you.

“Please. It’s the least we could do. Just to be safe.” You told her. When you saw the woman let out a breath, almost as if she was a bit relieved, you smiled. “Just let us pop over to Sam and we’ll be right back.”

Dean dropped his friendly face when he stepped away from Suzy after unwillingly being dragged around town when he wanted nothing more than to go back to the motel with you. You decided to put your efforts on something more important when you had the opportunity than jump into bed the first chance you got. You lost your virginity late in life, you could wait a little while to lose it again. You made your way over to Sam after he wrapped up a conversation with Tammy after he was cornered by the young woman. It seemed she had the same effect on the man from the expression that lingered on his face after she left.

“Hey, we’re gonna walk Suzy home. See if she might know anything else about the vics.” You told the younger man. “Can you stick around here and possibly talk to the rest of the group? See if you might be able to get anything else out?”

“Yeah, sure.” Sam didn’t seem to buy what you were saying, presuming it was a cheap cover to get out of here and back to the motel. “You know, I’m actually trying to work here. I don’t think it’s fair you two are trying to sneak off.”

“Come on, look. You know if Dean was single he’d be all over Suzy trying to do more than just bring her home.” You said. Sam shrugged at the thought, nodding in agreement. “We’re focused as much as you are on the case. No one’s jumping into bed just yet. We're gonna take Suzy home and see if she might know anything else about the people who went missing."

Sam agreed with the plan from how it sounded coming from you. He waited a few seconds before he nodded his head, letting you and his brother head out with Suzy back to her apartment. Right as Sam turned around to see who else he might be able to speak to, he jumped slightly in surprise at seeing Tammy standing there, a little too wide of a smile on her face when she caught him alone. He managed to hide the sigh that wanted to come out behind a forced smile. He hoped all of this was going to be worth it in the end.

+ + +

The walk to Suzy’s apartment wasn’t too far from the church like she said, the time it took to get there was filled with mindless chatter about what she thought of the town and church. She had nothing but positive things to say since moving here a few months ago herself. You continued on with the fake lie about yourself to keep the conversation going, telling her how you and Dean were planning on getting hitched and how this town was a fresh start for you and the boys. The three of you were a close family after your parents passed away, the only part of your story that was true.

Right away she got to work finding those books she mentioned back at the church. You decided to shrug off your jacket, not sure how long you were going to be here, and decided to look around yourself at how she decorated her place. Suzy mentioned there were quite a few books around here specifically for couples. Your offer to help when asked was granted when she mentioned there were some in a cabinet you were standing next to. You opened up the small door and crouched down to see what she had here. You skimmed her vast collection of books out of partial curiosity to see what an abstinence consular enjoyed to read. When you found what you needed, you cradled them in your arms and got back up, only to discover you felt a strange lingering stare on you. You turned around and spotted Dean’s eyes where they shouldn’t be.

You shot him a warning glare to behave before Suzy caught you. Dean’s smirk when he was caught by you was wiped off his face when you a little too roughly plopped the books down to his hands, Suzy followed suit a few moments later with several more of her own. He muffed a grunt from the several self help books he was forced to carry. You smiled in appreciation and slapped the pile with a little too much force, making him almost lose balance on the books. He struggled to catch them before they could tumble to the ground.

“Thanks, honey.” You cooed. “You’re so strong.”

“Okay. So,” Suzy seemed content at the eight books Dean was currently holding, hoping it would be enough reading material to get started with. “why don't you guys breeze through these, and I'm gonna head to the little girls' room.”

Suzy excused herself before disappearing to another part of her apartment, leaving you and Dean alone in her living room. Dean wasted no time ditching the books somewhere else as you casually looked around the place, all though you weren't sure yet of what you were looking for. It appeared to be like any other bachelorette home. You wandered around the place, glancing over at framed pictures of her life and examining little knick-knacks decorated around the place. Right as you were about to pick up a snowglobe, your cell phone started ringing, distracting you from your search. You looked at the screen to see that it was Sam, probably to check up on you and Dean. You went to answer the call when you spotted a half-open drawer that caught your attention. You let it ring a few more times before you finally answered it, all while opening the drawer just enough to see what was inside, wondering if it was some sort of junk drawer. Only it was much more.

You pulled out a few DVDs that weren't blockbuster movies from the cover. More dirty films from the familiar titles you heard of. You let out a quiet chuckle from the discovery you made. Apparently Miss Abstinence was a former adult star. That's why Dean knew who she was. She had a pretty active role in Casa Erotica, her movie was so good you knew the man kept a downloaded file on his computer. A secret porn stash he thought you knew nothing about. You quickly tucked them back away when an idea popped into your head.

You almost forgot about the call with Sam when you heard his voice from the other line call out your name in a slightly annoyed tone from your delayed response. You closed the drawer with your hip and turned around in your spot so you could casually lean against the dresser. Dean tossed you a confused look from the way you were acting as you finally answered his brother's insensent attempts of getting your attention before he could think the worse.

You half-listened to what he was saying about the case, something about how this wasn't the work of a dragon, but all you could focus on was the sound of Suzy opening up the bathroom door. You told Sam you'd call him back before ending the call. As Suzy stepped back into the living room, you realized the promise you made to Sam was about to be broken. It could've waited until after the hunt was over, but you figured you waited around long enough for your first time.

“I gotta go.” You said, making sure your tone of voice sounded disappointed at how you were skipping out so soon on her. Suzy seemed worried from the way you were acting from the short time she was away. “Oh, it’s nothing. Sam’s just having a bit of trouble. You know men. Always something.”

“Are you sure? It sounds serious.” Dean tried to get himself out of here before he could be pulled into the virtues of why keeping his virginity until marriage was for him. “Maybe we both should make sure he’s all right.”

“That’s okay, honey. He just needs me to pop by the store and pick up some stuff.” You said. The look on Dean’s face was easy to tell he wasn’t buying your lie, despite how it was going to be all for him. He’d find out soon enough. “Thank you for everything, Suzy. I’ll see you at the next meeting.”

Suzy seemed a bit upset at seeing you go so soon before she could properly go through some helpful techniques that you probably could've used. Dean tossed you daggers from leaving him here to spend God knows how long entertaining the consular. You gave him an adoring smile and waved goodbye to your boyfriend, figuring he would be thanking you for leaving him here after the surprise you had planned for him after he got back to the motel.

Rewrite Taglist:

@deansquirreljerkwinchester // @everything-i-tried-was-taken // @starswirlblitz // @supernaturalismydrug // @we-are-band-sexuals // @angiewinchestercas // @kaylinfayezink // @owhatshername1 // @kgbrenner // @cleo-is-my-doggy // @eeyore1988 // @dakota-dream // @lilylovelyxo // @timetravelingginger // @holahellohialoha // @quicksilver123456 // @natashacamillas //@lexi-anastasia //@kaylinfayezink // @deanwnchstr @albot-eh // @rashinyx2002 // @shellybeans // @icantfindacreativeurl // @becs-bunker // @oreosatmidnight // @bands-and-shietz // @fabulousmustachesonapolarbear // @clarewinchester // @releasethekracko // @alex-zeppelin // @mega-mrs-dean-winchester // @theskytraveler // @notmoose94 //@assassinofmasyaf // @caswinchester2000 // @savannah-m-99 // @sunlight-dean // @strayrosesbloom // @that-slytherin-over-there // @1000roughdrafts // @its-medeanwinchester // @simplyhemmings // @dream-believe-and-love // @that-winged-rat // @romanovanoffsstuff // @underthestarrsss // @lady-elena-adeline // @akshi8278

Message me if you would like to be added!

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teamfreewill2pointo · 4 years

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Sam’s Emotional Arc 1/3

I hated the finale immediately, but I’ve spent some time with it and talked to friends who loved it. I can see now what it was about, and I’ve come to appreciate the story they were trying to tell, even if I think it didn’t land right.

I’ve been told that my meta on this has helped other people come to terms with the finale, so I thought I’d compile it in one place from across various discord channels and twitter posts. If you are struggling with the finale, I hope it helps you.

Part of this actually started with a shit post. I was making a joke about Sam being psychic since he was scared of clowns when Dean died by one. I realized that may have been deliberate. I dug into the story more and now I’m convinced it was. Then I came across some excellent meta that fit with the themes I was finding and opened up the series even more for me.

Happiness isn’t in the having, it’s in just being. It’s in just saying it.

Cas said it. Dean accepted it. Sam lived it. First, Sam’s journey.

Clowns pop up in s15 before the barn scene. In 15.01, which was written by Dabb, Sam is injured by a clown. Castiel is able to save Sam and heal his injury. The clown keeps coming after Sam, with Sam having fight scenes with the clown, while others attack the other ghosts. The clown is kicking the shit out of Sam again, and Castiel saves him once more. Sam is unable to fight off the clown on his own both times.

They run until they are able to escape outside a magical barrier. Sam turns to the clown and says, “shut up”.

This is literally Sam running from his fears. On top of that, this isn’t just any clown, but the ghost of John Wayne Gacy, from an episode also written by Dabb.

Dean: A serial killer clown. I mean, this is, like, the best/worst thing that’s ever happened to you, you know, ‘cause you love serial killers, but – but you hate clowns.

Sam gets nervous and struggles with the lighter before he’s able to get rid of the clown, for now.

I believe this is a metaphor for hunting in general: it’s both the best of Sam’s life and also the worst. The clowns symbolize his relationship with Dean.

Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie was co-written by Dabb (see the pattern?). Sam’s fear of clowns was known since season 2. In season 7, Dabb explored where this fear came from.

On the surface, Sam’s fear is just because he found them creepy, but the episode explains that they actually come from Sam’s fear of being left behind by Dean.

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This episode comes directly after an episode where Sam worried that Dean would get himself killed

Sam: Look... Dean, the thing is, tonight... It almost got you killed. Now, I don't care how you deal. I really, really don't. But just don't – don't get killed. Dean: I'll do what I can. Sam: Well, what's that supposed to mean? Dean: It means I'll do what I can. All right? You can shut up about it.

Sam is dealing with Hallucifer at this moment, but Hallucifer doesn’t really scare him. Losing Dean does.

Sam has a conversation with an employee about greatest fears.

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Recognize the actress? She came back for s15 in 15.06. I don’t believe this was a coincidence. 15.06 featured Castiel helping a parent find their lost child in a season that features Castiel worried about losing Jack. Through his experience with her, Castiel confronts his fears and doubts and then returns to join in the fight against God. [I’ll touch on Castiel’s journey more in his chapter]

Sam’s greatest fear is losing Dean. There’s a lot in the series about how Sam felt lonely and abandoned for much of his childhood. A whole episode, Just My Imagination, centers around this. Sam hated when Dean went off on hunts without him.

source In The Chitters, Sam tells Dean how his fear of losing his family paralyzed him as child. It’s a story where an older brother dies and the younger brother never recovers from it until he’s able to lay him to rest (sound familiar???)

Sam: You know, whenever you and Dad used to leave me to go hunting, and I-and I wouldn’t hear from y’all for a while, I, um, I was always sure that some vamp or rugaru, or take your pick, I always figured one of them finally got ya. I tried to think what to do, you know, the next step to take. I was just lost. Dean: We came back, though, every time.

You might naturally think, “Wait a minute! Sam left Dean multiple times!” Honestly, this was something I had a huge issue with when watching through the show the first time. I didn’t understand Sam and hated him leaving Dean in s8. I was completely on Dean’s side at first. But, on multiple rewatches and talking to others, I’ve realized that when Sam left Dean, he was running from his fear. In this TV Guide interview, Jared perfectly sums up why Sam left in season 1; he couldn’t stand to see his family die. Dabb wrote Dark Side of the Moon along with a comic that explains why Sam left in detail. While the comic isn’t official canon, it shows Dabb’s thought process. In it, Sam sees his family as running towards a horrible end and can’t handle dealing with that.

Dean: So what are you gonna do? You're just gonna live some normal, apple pie life? Is that it? Sam: No. Not normal. Safe.

There are many more points in the series where we learn about Sam’s fear of Dean dying. This would be 3948573945 pages long if I wrote them all out, so I’m going to focus on the key moments that loop back to this ending, but there’s so much more there.

If you are struggling with this and need more, please let me know and I can do a deeper dive into that subject. We first see Sam’s inability to let Dean go in season 1 when Sam refuses to let Dean die in Faith.

Dean: You're not gonna let me die in peace, are you? Sam: I'm not gonna let you die, period. We're going.

Sam’s whole arc in s3 is him being unable to handle Dean dying. He wants to save Dean, but Dean won’t let himself be saved. This was what Gabriel was trying to teach him in Mystery Spot.

Trickster: This obsession to save Dean? The way you two keep sacrificing yourselves for each other? Nothing good comes out of it. Just blood and pain. Dean's your weakness. And the bad guys know it, too. It's gonna be the death of you, Sam. Sometimes you just gotta let people go.

This is how Ruby gets under Sam’s skin and what gets him to start working with her. Everything Sam did was to save Dean. In s4, Sam’s arc is about him sacrificing himself in order to save Dean. He’s gutted from being unable to save Dean. In 4.12, Sam decides to drink demon blood in order to save Dean

Dean: [says that they will die early] Sam: Maybe we'll be different, Dean. Dean: What kind of Kool-Aid you drinking, man? Sammy, it ends bloody or sad. That's just the life. Sam: What if we could win?Dean: "Win"?Sam: If there was a way we could just...put an end to all of it.

When Sam breaks out of the panic room, he’s suicidal. He’s determined to save Dean with his life as the cost he’s willing to pay. He didn’t think he would survive killing Lilith. He was committing suicide in that moment. The reason why Sam is so willing to sacrifice himself in s5 is because he has low self esteem. He blames himself for everything that goes wrong. In Sam, Interrupted 5.11, also by Dabb, Sam has a breakdown under the weight of his guilt. He hates himself and he feels his rage is out of control. In season 6, we see soulless Sam and, unlike souled Sam, he has no rage. Yes, he’ll kill when necessary, but he’s not angry. It was Sam’s fear driving his rage. He felt out of control of his life and let it lead him down a dark path. In season 7, he sees Dean heading down a dark path and he feels helpless to stop it. He worries about dragging Dean down and tells Dean to let him go. But, at the same time, he’s developing coping techniques. He’s starting to face his fears.

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And then Dean disappears and Sam completely falls apart. Sam didn’t have a healthy relationship with Amelia. They were two broken people clinging to each other. Sam and Dean struggle to reconnect after their time apart. There’s a lot of text addressing the horror of a partner dying and people trying to escape from it.

Mrs Holmes: He could see the end of my days were at hand, and... He had lived centuries all alone, but I don't think he could bear the thought of life without me. That's why he drove off that bridge. You must think I'm a monster.

In Hunteri Heroica written by GUESS WHO!?!? Sam finally acknowledges that he was living in a dream world with Amelia. He was running from his past. We see a flash back with Sam pressing on his scar, which he did to help himself distinguish fantasy from reality.

The episode is about a man refusing to engage in reality and harming those around him. Sam has a big confrontation with him

Sam: Look, it can be nice living in a dream world. It can be great. I know that. And you can hide, and you can pretend... all the crap out there doesn't exist, but you can't do it forever because... eventually, whatever it is you're running from – it'll find you. [CASTIEL appears to be taking Sam’s words to heart.] It'll come along, and it'll punch you in the gut. And then... then you got to wake up, because if you don't, then trying to keep that dream alive will destroy you! It'll destroy everything!

Likewise, when Sam was with Jessica, he wasn’t honest about himself. He was hiding from his family and his past. Running to avoid pain. Sam is avoidant in general. Not just in his relationship with Dean. When he talks with Rowena in 13.12 Various & Sundry Villains about his fears of Lucifer, he admits that he could talk about it with Dean, but he can’t bring himself to.

Sam: I’ve seen it too. What he really looks like behind – behind whatever vessel. It… Yeah, still keeps me up at night. Rowena: How do you deal with it? Sam: I guess I don’t deal with it. Not really. I mean, I pushed it down and, um, the world kept almost ending, so I keep pushing it down, and I don’t know. [stammering] I really don’t talk about it, not even with Dean. I mean, I could. You know, he’d listen, but… That’s not something I really know how to share.

In 15.20, Sam’s past is front and center. Literally. I know a lot of people found the Winchester family portrait odd and upsetting, but it symbolizes something I’ll get to in a bit. Instead of trying to avoid his grief, Sam has moments where he lets it wash over him. He goes and sits in the car. He’s no longer avoidant. He’s no longer running away. He’s letting his grief move through him. He’s literally sitting with it.

Soulless Puppy pointed out that the characters emotional arcs is similar to DBT. Please look through their awesome meta here.

Personally, I see them as similar to the therapy I do called ACT. Both are forms of therapy where instead of fighting against them, you accept painful emotions and allow yourself to feel them. If you don’t do that work, then you can’t stop feeling them and your fears/ghosts will always haunt you. In Swan Song, Chuck tells us that “Dean didn't want Cas to save him. Every part of him, every fiber he's got, wants to die, or find a way to bring Sam back. But he isn't gonna do either. Because he made a promise.” In 15.20, Sam initially didn’t want to let Dean go. He’s been refusing to do this since season 1. When he’s separated from Dean he lives a fake life or destroys himself/the world trying to get Dean back. There’s a moment in 15.20 where Sam looks at Dean’s guns. He wants to commit suicide, but he makes the choice to live. For the time in Sam’s life, he let Dean go and lived with his pain. He no longer ran from it. After Swan Song, Dean was unable to let Sam go. He wanted him back. After Carry On, Sam is able to do what Dean couldn’t do. He lives a life outside of Dean. What’s more, Sam has reconciled himself with his past and his family. It’s clumsy and I wish it were better shown, but having the family portrait and their parents in heaven isn’t meant to excuse the way Sam and Dean were raised. In order to move past the trauma of his relationship with his parents, Sam fully integrates them into his life. In Lebanon, Sam was able to confront and forgive his father. In doing so, he can also forgive himself. Mary asks for forgiveness too, and he grants it to her. He doesn’t forget what happened, but he’s able to move forward and leave the intergenerational cycle of violence. He’s able to raise his son, Dean, the way his brother should have been raised.

Happiness isn’t in the having, it’s in just being. It’s in just saying it.

Cas said it. Dean accepted it. Sam lived it.

I can see why people see Sam’s life after Dean as unhappy. I hated it so much because I saw it as horrible and sad the first time through. I had to sit with myself and my emotions first. I think it’s because we’ve been told by society that we have to get rid of our grief in order to be happy. The finale was showing us that it’s possible to do the opposite. [Personally I think it would’ve been better had they showed more overtly happy memories, but many of my friends saw this straight away] When I began therapy, one of the first things I learned was that there aren’t “negative” emotions. When working with our kids, we call them Big emotions. In DBT/ACT, all emotions are treated as normal and natural. Grief, anger, sadness, etc, these are all normal parts of the human existence. We don’t need to run from them in order to have happiness. We can live with them. As interstitial said in our chats, “you can't change the past, you can only change your relationship to it. To accept that your past contained both love and heartache, to miss it, but also know you can do better; that's actual recovery, as good as it gets.” As Soulless-Puppy explained to me, Sam lived in duality. Dean was dead, but Sam lived. Sam was happy, but he grieved. Dean was with him in the watch and the car and his son, but Dean also waited for him in heaven. I hated the finale the first time I saw it, then next watched it with my boyfriend who loved it. As we were watching together and discussing it, I realized that Dean’s death scene wasn’t just about him, but about the show itself.

Dean promising Sam that he will be with Sam in Sam’s heart is also the show promising us that they will never leave it. That’s why Alex kept posting “The end has no end.” Just as Sam carried Dean with him in his heart, we will carry the show with us. I hope this helps. It’s a terrible thing to feel upset about an ending and thinking of the show this way, recognizing these patterns, is bringing me peace. I still have issues with how it was written, but now that I see what they were doing, I wish all the more that they had the chance to do it right. Please share your thoughts and experiences. I love hearing different opinions. Next up, Dean. Then Castiel.

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roublardise · 3 years

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my "Crowley isn't attracted to women" take

for @spnprideweek - day 2 - mlm

cw: dicussion of homophobia & transphobia all in all I wanted to highlight how canon gay Crowley is bc I love him 💕 thank u spn for Crowley even tho he deserved better

in the last weeks I've realized there's a huuge consensus in the fandom for pansexual Crowley. if you're pan or not and wanna hc Crowley as pan, power to you! but what's bothering me is the non-discussion of it all. the way it seems obvious for everyone. whereas, to me, Crowley has been canonically gay all this time.....

disclaimer: I'm aware Mark Sheppard alledgely said he saw Crowley as pansexual, however I can't even take these words for canon without context. Especially not when a year later he'd say Crowley's sexuality didn't matter. The way Mark Sheppard talks about characters' sexuality is more a "why are people making a big deal let them be" than "the character doesn't care." Moreover, actors pov can't be taken as canon imo. Jensen Ackles thought Dean straight for so long when Dean's been bi all this time as well. Sometimes actors are biased by their own experiences & stereotypes!

disclaimer #2: on god I don't wanna start discourse lmao. I just wanna share my silly thoughts about a tv show & question the way Crowley's sexuality is written in this silly homophobic tv show. don't @ me about what's making you think Crowley is indisputably pansexual bc I assure you I already know your points

That being said, here's why I think Crowley is a bear, a gay man, a trans gay man actually, a homosexual, who isn't attracted to women & some food for thoughts about why the unquestioned consensus towards pan Crowley could have roots in both homophobia & panphobia.

I don't think we can think of Crowley as your usual demon. We know too much about Crowley's life as a human, and the numerous ways in which he acts un-demony, almost humanly after. Considering him simply like a demon with no concept of gender preference who would be pan “by default” wouldn’t be right with his character. But we also can't question his sexuality in the exact same way we would a human's.

It also can't be thought in the same way as angels': as once-humans demons do have a concept of gender. Crowley especially cares a lot about his gender presentation and the way he's addressed. Not only does he literally sell his soul for a bigger d*ck as a human ; as a demon he uses the same vessel where other demons are shown to move once they had to leave one ; and for the few hours Crowley's possessing a woman, he clearly states he should still be referred to as king.

This will all be used for homophobic & transphobic jokes in the show, but I'll get back to that later on. Gender does matter to Crowley's identity, and I think it could be extended to his sexuality.

I've seen numerous descriptions of it all saying Crowley's sexuality was "ambiguous" and I guess it is, as he never explicitly used any label. However "ambiguous" doesn't mean bi or pan. It doesn't mean anything besides the fact we can't draw a clear-cut conclusion of his sexuality.

Imo we can actually draw a clear-cut conclusion of Crowley's sexuality but yeh, I'm getting there.

----------------

Let's take a look at canon events around Crowley & sexuality!

His character introduction is him enjoying making a homophobe man kiss him for a deal

It is rumoured that he was a demon's lover (Lilith's)

He heavily flirts with Bobby

He french kisses Bobby for a deal and takes a pic

He never kisses a woman on screen (tell me if I forgot anyone!)

He flirts with every single man he sees, and even more strongly when it's making the other uncomfortable

The other parent of Crowley's son is never mentioned nor even brought up

He has two orgies that we know of

He has sex with a demon who's possessing a woman (Lola) when he was addicted to human blood

He dates, has sex with, and asks Dean to rule Hell with him. He's in love with Dean

On late spn he drinks fruity drinks

He flirts with and implies he had sex with an angel (Naomi)

He flirts with Death (Billie)

He's into BDSM

I'm not gonna go into details with all the sexual stuff he says bc there's a lot.... But it's always about gay sex. (once again, if I'm forgetting smth pls tell me nicely)

Now, with all that I'd like to question specifically the elements people use to say Crowley is canonically attracted to women.

He has two orgies that we know of

There’s the one Crowley has while he’s himself possessing a woman ; iirc it’s a foursome with two other men and one woman. Crowley still counts as a King, as the show makes sure we know, admitedly this dialogue implies we should still think of him as a not-very-manly-man.

Honestly, if one is convinced Crowley is attracted to women based on this scene.. okay. Personally I don’t see it because the orgy is unplanned, it’s an opportunity Crowley takes. Is he even attracted to the two other men?? Who knows. We don’t even know if Crowley even touches the other woman, there’re so many ways to have group sex. Even if he did, having sex with one woman doesn’t make it impossible for him to be homosexual.

The second orgy is with Dean. Crowley describes it then: “We've done extraordinary things to triplets.” It’s interesting how before I went to check, I thought it was clear the triplets were women. But not at all! I’ve been tricked by heteronormativity myself. So this is up to interpretation. Even though the way the show doesn’t make sure we know the triplets were women is pretty telling (as I’ll talk about later).

It is rumoured that he was Lilith's lover

Well, this is a rumour. In this relationship Crowley would know Lilith as a demon possessing a woman, and Lilith would know Crowley as a demon possessing a man as well. Who's even to say they met in their vessels to sleep together. That's the kind of cases in which the ambiguity of Crowley human/demon situation makes it impossible to draw any kind of conclusion towards Crowley's attraction to women. Also if anything Lilith is clearly a lesbian lmao.

He has sex with Lola when he was addicted to human blood

Same thing here, the relationship is one of demon/demon. Though we do now they do meet in their vessels to sleep together. Besides that, the sex happens while Crowley is at a low point. She's the one bringing him human blood, which makes the sex more of a transaction than anything. It does fit a very grey area of consent which would be fair to question.

We can't know for sure whether the demon possessing the woman was a woman as well, but let's say she was: 1/ Crowley having sex once or twice with a woman doesn't prevent him from being homosexual. 2/ What is he seeing if not a demon's true form? 3/ Wasn't he in a self-destructive mental state?

It's a stretch, imo, to assume Crowley was attracted to her.

He flirts with and had sex with Naomi / flirts with Billie

This one is so ridiculous to me bc Naomi is an angel and as a demon, Crowley sees her true form. We don't even know who was her vessel when they had sex.

The flirt thing is interesting however, bc iirc Naomi and Billie are the only "women" we see Crowley actually flirt with. During the orgies or the demon sex there's no flirt involved. It's interesting bc, as Cas would say: "Naomi's vessel is a woman. Naomi is an angel."

Same case for Billie who's a reaper then Death. Spn is pretty unclear about how the whole thing works but we know reapers are kind of angels. In any case, I won't go as far as saying Billie has any connection to gender.

Moreover, the way Crowley flirts with them is pretty light next to everything else Crowley says to men. It's pretty personal, I'm aware, but I do relate a lot with the way Crowley flirts with them VS how I flirt with men just because (and I'm a lesbian).

Anyway! Both Naomi and Billie are supernatural creatures, which brings the count of women Crowley flirts with to... zero.

-> What I take from all that is that Crowley is attracted to men for sure ; to angels and demons ; and doesn't care about the genitalia involved in the sex he has. We have nothing about the kind of relationships he had as a human. His gender presentation matters a lot to him. The only long-term commitment he has is with Dean. I wouldn't even say he had a committed relationship with Gavin's other parent bc we don't know anything about them.

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But what's my deal with homosexual Crowley? One can wonder, if Crowley doesn't care about bodies, doesn't that mean he can still be written as pan?

No! First because sexual attraction isn't about genitalia (even if transphobes would argue the contrary but they're transphobic so...). And second, well....

I would refer to this point as "how do I know Crowley isn't attracted to women? bc Dean is"

I'm convinced that if the show wanted to write Crowley as anything other than a gay man, it would have been way more obvious.

This is a show who wrote Dean catcalling a faceless woman on the street, for no other reason than to remind the viewers Dean was attracted to women & to balance it with the following homoerotic scene.

One could say spn doesn't have lots of women characters to begin with, but that's my point exactly: when spn wants to show attraction towards women, they do find women for people to be attracted to. Hell, they even give Gavin some girlfriend but never ever bring up the topic of Gavin's other parent. Even though an entire episode is dedicated to learning about Crowley's past.

What's important to understand Crowley's sexuality isn't the people he slept with ; it's the people he doesn't show interest in.

The absence of something is the presence of the thing, blablabla. It's a way to look at homosexuality that heteronormativity makes hard to see because, unconciously, we don't tend to question attraction towards the expected gender. One would ask for a 10 pages essay on why a character is gay, but one would need only a 2 sec kiss to assure a character's heterosexuality or attraction towards the expected gender.

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In Crowley's case, his attraction to men is a huge part of his character right from the beginning (thanks god, at least no one's questioning that). Spn as a show that hears what the fans are saying and twists writing accordingly, is perfectly aware of that. Yet rather than pushing women at him along the course of the show to remind everyone how Not Gay Crowley is - the opposite happens.

Yeh, Lola, Naomi, Billie, they all happen in the later seasons. But even then, the show somehow can't write Crowley as attracted to a human woman.

What happens then is: not only does Crowley fall for Dean ; he engages in some BDSM play with Lucifer : and he switches from drinking only the finest Scotch to fruity cocktails.

The BDSM thing as well as the drink thing are choices rooted in stereotypes, that's how spn is! But it does canonize Crowley's homosexuality. They're depriving him of his "masculinity" as the show goes on, because they purposely write him as homosexual. I don't think spn would have ever written a bi or pan character that way.

We learned a few days ago that Crowley died in a gutter. He died in a gutter for a bigger d*ck. I'm just gonna refer to Oscar Wilde & Mika on this : "some of us in the gutter are looking up at the stars."

The "referred to as king" scene isn't about Crowley being a demon and so not caring about gender - it's the opposite. Other demons are the ones poiting out Crowley's vessel. This is a transphobic joke. It's the demon edition of the "gay boy in a dress" transmisogynistic trope.

Viewers aren't supposed to be on Crowley's side ; we're supposed to be giggling with the other demons while Crowley is being emasculated. Crowley gets a woman vessel because he's a not-very-manly-man, because he's a trans man, because he's homosexual.

And I know that bc Dean is written as bi, and all they're doing is reaffirming the way he does like women while being extra subtle with his love for men.

Meanwhile Crowley is losing influence and power, loses his authority as he loses his throne in Hell, gets humiliated by Lucifer, until all his character revolves around is his love for Dean. The way Crowley is then protrayed as some lovesick ex who can't move on is, imo, a straight man fantasy. Crowley's love is both used as predatory and as a tool to validate Dean's Peak Masculinity.

Spn has been burying their gays all along, and Crowley was right there being punished for not only being in love with Dean but for not being attracted to women. For never being able to be a "normal" guy. For never being able to be seen as a "normal" guy. For checking every homophobic stereotypes in the books. Crowley as a human dies because he's a trans man. Crowley as a demon dies because he's homosexual.

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That's what leads me to be uncomfortable with the way the fandom seems to have a consensus towards pansexual Crowley. (Once again: idc about people's personal hc of Crowley as pan, I just want to think critically about the way no one thinks twice about it & accepts it as canon so easily. Hell, just bc I dared to ask what started the pan Crowley confirmation I got accused of erasing his pansexuality. All I did was ask a question.)

To me, it feels like erasing everything his character went through because he was gay. And it seems to be taken from a reasoning which is going to assume Crowley is attracted to women.

I mean: the reasoning would go "oh, Crowley clearly has a non-straight sexuality -> he's attracted to men -> he's pan" His attraction to women being accepted by default, without needing any backup. And when I look at the canon I see nothing implying he'd be attracted to women. Taking Crowley's attraction to women for granted is following an heteronormative thinking.

Being into people isn't all about who one sleeps with. It's about love. And when we look at what spn shows about Crowley's close relationships, the only meaningful one he got is with Dean. When Rowena wants payback for Crowley making her kill Oskar, she goes for his son.

And it's SO interesting to me because if angels can't be in love because they don't have a soul - can demons? as they're beings with a destroyed soul? And if so, how powerful of Crowley to still fall in love with Dean Winchester.... the power of gay love :) (Crowley 🤝 Cas)

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To conclude all this with some more stuff to think about if, like me, you love questioning everything:

While it's not wrong per se to hc Crowley as pan, it can be worth questioning what's making us so sure we collectively just vibe with it? To me there's a few things: - As I was saying: heteronormative bias - Crowley being a non-fully-human character - Crowley being masculine (despite the show's attempts to erase that) - Crowley being into BDSM - Crowley flirting and making sexual remarks in every context

These, unconsciously, gives a vibe of a character who's "outside" of the gender norm, not making big deal of their sexuality, not even questioning it. This creates this idea of "ambiguity" around Crowley's sexuality. The way Crowley particularly seems to be really chill about sex, is a demon (so what does he know about gender?), and heavily flirty, ... is what most people will link to pansexuality. That doesn't mean thinking of Crowley as pan is being problematic™ ; this means in western medias that's what fills the "pansexual character" imagery (like basically: the Jack Harkness type).

However, when we look at it like that, none of these elements are defining of pansexuality. None of them are excluding him from homosexuality. If not stereotypes.

That's where it gets personal ; but it does make me feel like the huge consensus towards a pansexual Crowley (when there is no clear-cut evidence of it) is erasing the complexity of homosexual experiences. As I said at the begining: I'm happy if pansexual people can relate to Crowley ; everone's free to headcanon. But saying Crowley is canonically pansexual is a stretch - and a take rooted in homophobic stereotypes.

Imo Crowley may have been created with all these traits pushing towards a pan reading of his character. However, as the show went, he was clearly written as a homosexual man. The changes in his portrayal took a turn to be specifically homophobic. He gets imagery that only strictly homosexual characters got (such as drinking fruity cocktails like Aaron. Meanwhile Dean, on the same scene, is allowed beer & whiskey.)

We're used to taking spn's homophobic rep and jokes to make it our own. Yet it seems, when it comes to Crowley, the fandom doesn't see it.

Sometimes people aren't attracted to the gender heteronormativity expects them to be attracted to.......... sometimes people are gay and it's not an umbrella term.

#crowley spn #spn crowley #crowley #trans crowley #spn meta #supernatural #spn #so..... i went off once again #homophobia #transphobia #i just kept adding stuff to it lmao and i would STILL have stuff to say but this is enough #long post #spnprideweek

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