#long ass vent that no one will read and i dont feel better for writing

[davekat-sucks]

Been thinking about HS2, as you do. And to be honest, I have no idea how we got here. I mean I know a bunch of shit happened to Hussie over the debacle of the game. But how did we get to HS2. Like, it hates you. HS2 reads like it hates the reader, it hates homestuck, it hates the reader for enjoying homestuck. I would call it misery porn, but even misery porn has some sort of catharsis. Some kind of release. HS2 does not. Its just an anon telling you to kill yourself, over and over for the length of the Epilogue and HS2 up to this point. The former team members, are allegedly, the progressive leftist type, yeah? So why did they decide to kill Rosemary, the fandoms pet lesbian ship? The one thing that would get thousands of screeching people telling you to kill yourself if you dared ship rose or kanaya with anyone other then themselves? Why did they make so many characters act out of character, why kill so many? Why introduce so many uncomfortable kinks? Why did they make dog dick jade canon? And call it the trans rep? Aint these people supposed to be allies? Supposed to care about the LGBTHDTV+? Supposed to be part of the alphabet people themselves? How? Why? Spite? It certainly seems so. HS2 seems like it was written from a place of spite, just sheer derision for the material and the author. Maybe Hussie planned this, maybe he hated his own creation and the fans of it, maybe the team did this of their own volition? I dont know, I doubt we ever will. How can Roach write the story like this? I dont know too much about him. I dont have a reason to trust him, but I dont have a reason to distrust him either. But giving him the benefit of the doubt, Id say that he's passionate about Homestuck and wants to bring it to a good place, but how do you do that? How do you bring something from a place of sheer hatred into a place of passion? Without retcons or denouncing the things that came before? I have no doubt that he's under NDA's out the ass, probably has some "non slander" clauses in his contract as well, since you obviously just cant bad mouth the previous team, even if they deserve it. Still, I am just at a sheer loss of how the comic can be turned around with this development. I know Im going to be following it, is it possible for an IP to give you Stockholm Syndrome? Because no matter how bad Homestuck gets, I cant give it up. Theres still more blood and bodies to be found in this train wreck. I dunno, sorry for the rant, but you're really the only other blogger I feel I can vent shit about homestuck towards. Lots of the people I knew before dropped out, or I lost contact when my first blog got obliterated.

It's alright. I know what you mean and have similar feelings as well about all this. There are other fandoms and interests that have similar cases of going back to your abusive lover because you had liked what they were before. Just look at comic book fans, Disney fans, Pokemon fans, RWBY fans, etc. Homestuck's case is that the effort to contribute anything to it is just tiring. Other series have similar themes of nihilism and dark topics. But the fans there are able to make great fan works despite such depressing tone. Was it because the execution of those lets audiences have a choice to give a better outlook on things while Homestuck denies us this? Maybe. It's hard to pinpoint where had it all gone wrong or why it still continuing. Even if somehow Roach is able to salvage it, the damage has been done that it will take a long long time to really forgive and forget. Though with the downward spiral of this current generation, they'll probably be lucky to rope in new fans to enjoy that small high before they move on to something new and better.

[ivy-is-fine]

WARNING: long vent underneath; mostly self deprecation so be mindful of that if you decide to read

chat I’m genuinely tweaking out so fucking bad rn I just spent like an hour and half making a custom Minecraft skin and then I accidentally hit something that destroyed all of my progress, RIGHT BEFORE I DOWNLOADED IT YALL I GONNA EXPLODE I KNOW I SHOULDNT BE SO UPSET OVER SIMETHING STUPID AND POINTLESS AND SMALL AS THIS BUT HOLY FUCKING SHIT IM GOING TO CRY AND THEN I DONT KNOW THROW A HAT AT THE GROUND YALL IT LOOKED SO GOOD I LOVED IT AND THEN I FUCKING RUINED IT ILL NEVER BE ABLE TO MAKE IT THE SAME EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT, JUST HOW I WANTED IT TO BE. I KNOW I CAN JUST MAKE ANOTHER AND BE MORE CAREFUL BUT THAT WILL TAKE SO MUCH MORE TIME AND IT WAS SO TEDIOUS THAT TO SPEND MORE TIME WOULD MAKE THE EXPERIENCE EVEN WORSE. CHAT. CHAT IM LOSING MY FUCKING MIND. AND I KNOW IM ONLY SO EMOTIONAL OVER THIS BECAUSE ITS HOT AND MISERABLE AND IM OVERSTIMULATED AND THERES SOMETHING WRONG GOING ON IN MY BODY THATS MADE ME LOSE THE WILL TO EAT AND I HATE MYSELF AND EXISTING FEELS GROSS AND I HAVE NO ENERGY SO NOW IM CRYING JUST AS BAD OVER THIS STUPID, POINTLESS THING AS I DID WHEN MY FUCKING CAT DIED. IM NOT READY FOR THIS SCHOOL YEAR, IM GOING TO BE MISERABLE AND BURNED OUT AND I FEEL LIKE MY BEST FRIENDS DONT LIKE ME EVEN THOUGH I KNOW RATIONALLY THAT THEY DO BUT IM SCARED THAT THEIR OPINIONS OF ME ARE STARTING TO SOUR AND THAT THEYLL LEAVE ME BEHIND JUST AS EVERYONE DOES. GOD IM SO AWKWARD WITH PEOPLE NOBODY LIKES ME I CAN TELL AND I DONT TALK ABOUT ANYTHING INTERESTING OR KNOW ANGTHING ABOUT CARS AND TRUCKS LIEK EVERYONE I EXIST WITH. IM USELESS, I DONT HAVE A JOB, I DONT KNOW HOW TO MOW LAWN OR WEEDWACK OR DRIVE A TRACTOR. IM A WORTHLESS HUMAN WITH ZERO TALENT, ALL I CAN DO IS MAKE USELESS FUCKING ART AND WRITE USELESS FUCKING ESSAYS ABOUT USELESS FUCKING TOPICS. IM SO FUCKING WORTHLESS MY PARENTS SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT FROM THE START, I COULDNT EVEN EAT FUCKIGN RIGHT. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT MYSELF, I HATE BEING A PICKY AND SLOW EATER ITS FUCKING EMBARRASSING I HATE BEING UNDERWEIGHT BECAUSE IT MAKES ME WEAK AND I HATE BEING WEAK BECAUSE IT MAKES ME EVEN MORE USLESS AND EMBARRASSING. I HATE MY SKINNY FUCKING WRISTS AND THE NAUSEA THAT CONSTANTLY STIRS IN MY GUT. I HATE MY STUPID FUCKING OVERBITE AND THE HERBST APPLICATION IN MY FACE TO FIX IT AND I HATE MY CURLY HAIR THAT I DKNT KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF PROPERLY BECAUSE IT LOOKS STUPID AND MY SWEATY ASS PALMS THAT LEAVE MARKS ON THE FUCKING TABLES ARE AWFUL I HATE IT IT MAKES ME FEEL GROSS I WISH I KNEW HOW TO ACT IN PUBLIC I WISH I KNEE WHAT INCOULD DONTHAT WOULD MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY BUT I KNOW DAMN WELL THAT EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE WOULD FUNCTION BETTER WITHOUT ME. I WANT TO BE A PART OF SOCIETY BUT I NEVER KNOW HOW TO ACT, I DONT KNOW WHEN SOMEONE CANT TOLERATE ME. PEOPLE SCARE ME TOO EASILY I WANT TO STAY IN MY ROOM WHERE NO ONE HAS TO SEE ME. I WANT TO SMASH MY HEAD AGAINT A WALL, MAYBE ITLL MAKE ME NORMAL. GOD I CANT FUCKING STAND IT ANYMORE PLEASE I WANT TO KNOW HOW TO FUNCTION NORMALLY, HOW TO MAKNTAIN A HEALTHY WEIGHT, HELL, HOW TO HAVE AN APPETITE. I CONSTANTLY FEEL SICK AND RECENTLY IVE BEEN FEELING SO DETACHED FROM REALITY THAT I CAN HARDLY REGISTER ANY WORDS SPOKEN TO ME AND NO ONE TELLS ME ANYTHING IMPORTANT ANYWAYS LIKE HOW I WAS THE LAST TO KNOW WHERE MY FUCKING CAT GOT BURIED??? NO ONE SEEMED TO FEEL LIEK THAT WA SIMPIRTSNT ENOUGH TO TELL ME!!! IT FEELS LIKE EVERYONE EXPECTS EM TO KNOW STUFF WITHOUT HAVING TO BE TOLD BUT INDONT KNOW!!! I NEVER FUCKING KNOW!! I DOTN KNOW ANHTHING OTHER THAN USELESS PIECES OF TRIVIA THAT WILL NEVER BE USED ANYWHERE AT ALL. UGH I FEEL SO ILL, HUNGRY YET SICK AT THE SAME TIME. STARVING WITH NO DESIRE TO EAT. I KNOW ILL DIE, IM ALWAYS ON THE EDGE WITH DEATH, WAVING ACROSS THE STREET AT EACH OTHER. I DONT WANT TO BE SKINNY. I WANT TO EAT AND BE HEALTHY. BUT I CANT. I DONT KNOW WHY I CANT. I HAVE ACCESS TO FOOD AT ALL TIMES, THERES NOTHING STOPPING ME. I CAN HEAR MY STOMACH BUDDLE AND I CAN FEEL THE HUNGER PANGS BUT THEY DONT SEEM TO TRANSMIT TO MY BRAIN. MY MEMORY IS FAILING ME MORE AND MORE MY THE MINUTE, I CAN FEEL MYSELF

DETERIORATING. GOD IM SO SICK OF THIS THIS GAME ISNT FUN ANYMORE BUT I DONT WANT TO QUIT. ITS HARD BEING THE MEDIATOR, THE LIGHTHEARTED JOKESTER WHO DIFFUSES THE SITUATION AND REMAINS COOL AND CALM. IT FUCKING SUCKS AND I GET WALKED ALL OVER ALL THE TIME.

AND I KNOW THERES MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS WHO HAVE IT HUNDREDS OF TIMES WORSE THAN ME, BUT HOLY FUCKING SHIT LIVING SUCKS. MY BRACES AND HERBST MAKE MY FACE ACHE AND MY KNEES HURT WHEN HIGH PRESSURE SYSTEMS COME IN AND IM SLOW AND DONT PROVIDE ANYTHING FOR A TEAM. MY ARMS FEEL WEAK ALL THE TIME AND MY BRAIN FEELS LIKE AN EMPTY CHAMBER WITH SOME GUNK AND COBWEBS SLOSHING AROUND. GOD IM SO TIRED. EVERY PART OF MY BODY IS TIRED, IM EXHAUSTED THROUGH TO MY BONES AND BACK.

THERES NO GOOD WAY TO CONCLUDE THIS, AND IM SORRY IF YOUVE READ THIS THROUGH(OR AT ALL).

[visionthefox]

I'm curious, since you've critiqued the way she has been introduced and utilized in the show thus far, how would you write Earth and her arc if you were to?

well- I think I need to say first, I was rather... cruel to her, when she showed up-so I do have to say sorry to her fans! and who made that old old model of her.- sorry! this got long so, here , resume : make her mature- make her emotinally smarter- make her win her place and not be given so easy- make her stand her ground too - make her be more that the "helper" --if you wanna read me then click--

with this said, I guess- if she was really needed to light up the mood and the whole arc of OldMoon dying .. I guess I would keep her as a "mother friend" type of way, she is not this clueless, and totally would not allow Monty to talk to her that way.. I think I would keep her someone emotinally smart, calm, she will take note of those details most would ignore, and would think what to say- and when to stay out of the chat- she would be watching- while also giving space-she is that smart! she would Not be calling these stangers her brothers, and mostly, would listen to Moon, I never liked how she showed up to Sun and stared to touch him and talk to him as if she knew him.. totally not ok is you dont actually know the person.. (personal take- never touch someone when is this emotional- you dont know how they will react..) I feel that, since she wont be walking away, since she was send here! she would look around the place, learning from details when no one is around, and once Sun, eventually comes back, feeling so down and tired, she would give him space. explain "I was send here by the one who made us, Im supposed to be a new member of your family but, I can see this is not the right time, so, please I ask to be allowed to stay around, I offer my help if that means I get to stay" I feel thats how she should win her place, Like Lunar and LIke Solar, knowing well this is not the best of times, and doing her best to be helpfull, and not be in the way- she will accept if the 3 people do not like her, she understand it- and do her best to change their minds in small ways not that whole "talk to me talk to me im you sister talk to me talk to me" deal- but a more "im gonna do small actions to show, not tell" type of way.. (like say, keep the place clean to Sun and keep Moon in check) I feel like if she was would actually act like a older sister, a more, mature figure ,smart and gentle when needed to, she is Earth, she is supposed to be "the best" of them (as creator said) - but also, be someone who NOT let anyone walk on her- she would be a bear- a fighter, a strong woman! with a gentle side. And her flaws? maybe just being a bit overprotective? as she is a more caring figure, and would not let anyone talk down to her family, - ergo kick Monty ass- maybe also just be better with kids, making Sun feel bad? creating some drama but also development in the whole "caretaker" area. maybe also show who is her favorite at times? cant be helped! but she would learn to love everyone also- take away the "play pretend to be therapist" thing, I know she was made to have those knowladge FOR KIDDOS, but I feel that just ruin it, she is not the "famale character everyone use to vent and expect her to fix it all " in THAT way but imagine if she, depending on her mood, would let her family come to her and talk TALK like Lunar did to Monty, or Moon to Monty- but BETTER, is heart to heart, she knows she doesnt know it all, (making her eager to learn and such, bond with Moon) but is there to at least listen.. let them come to her, and if needed, get someone involved too. idk, make her be a more full character.. make her be that happy light in the constant drama, and also finally a protector too..

[lycheecreature]

hrhnghgggg vent 👎 don't read this unless ur ready for giant block of whining. tldr:

I literally feel soooo guilty complaining abt this esp cause I've def done it already in different terms but it's been boiling for so long idk I need to like :/ break it down a little I guess. same shit different day etc etc

I feel like its really fucking with me that as I make larger steps to actually,,, have coherent story content I keep getting excited to share stuff and then I end up super disappointed and fucking embarrassed when it totally flops 💀 esp when I was gonna try and share more of my writing and?? I know I'm not entitled to anyone's time or interest but even friends never got back to me on it and it's like,, yeah realistically I didn't expect everyone to give detailed feedback or even read it necessarily bc yeah ppl are busy I get it and i dont wanna blame anyone,, it's just the fact that I struck out every. single. time!?? Couldnt even get a single one? Even if it was negative feedback, at least I'd have some idea of what I might need to work on.

Now I'm even more self concious about sharing it than I was before, and I don't even know what it is that I'm embarrassed about other than a nebulous sense of "bro nobody cares." And yea i probably *should* try to promote it more! Except now i feel awkward and shameful and concieted for it! But again I don't want to guilt anyone bc its not like,, the fault of any specific person. On an individual level I get stuff slips by and ppl have plenty of their own shit going on, I've def done the same. Plus, if someone was gonna read my stuff, I'd want it to be bc they wanted to and not bc I heckled them into it yknow :/ just makes me sad

Then of course I get super fucking jealous of everyone else who does actually does get praise and attention which also makes me feel like a horrible person. I know part of it is just that I don't have the best social skills (to put it lightly) but mannn. The more this happens to me over and over again the less motivated I feel to try and start conversations. I'm getting real weird and paranoid over it, and it's getting worse the longer I don't talk about it while simultaneously reaffirming my belief that there is no one for me to talk to. Regardless of if that's even fucking true. And because I am Too Sad, I hardly even have the energy to hold a normal fucking conversation.

Idk, I felt like I had a similar dumb angst during artfight. And artfight wasn't even bad for me, esp compared to like the first year i did it when hardly anyone I attacked even acknowledged that I'd done so 🫠 ofc this is 100% *not* the fault of the ppl I attacked!! I had fun interacting w everyone and seeing their stuff! But I was kinda sad that I initiated everything except for an attack from one random person who doesn't follow me. Its like,, I absolutely do not ever expect to be first on anyone's list, but damn I was hoping I could at least be like... eighth or something??( <- petty ass baby complaint. )

Literally the only conclusion I can come to is that I need to train myself better to Never Expect Anything. I'm actually so terrified that I must obviously be an entitled egocentric asshole for getting crazy over this. God. Idk my real life is already very pathetic and lonely rn and I am constantly deeply ashamed of myself for not being better. Can't even blame The Autism for this shit bc apparently so many of the people who are actually able to foster communities also have The Autism. It's literally just a Me problem.

To be clear, I still very much enjoy making things and my little story and I'd be making the things regardless of if I posted them or not so I might as well try to share them. And I'm wellllll past expecting to ever be majorly successful as an artist or anything. Everything's just been making me feel bad lately. Been writing a bit again and I'm glad for that, but then whenever I'm getting too excited about it I have to stop myself and be like "hey man don't get your hopes up. no one's gonna be that into it." I have to remind myself like yeah I knowww it's not marketable it doesn't have everyone's favorite tropes and character archetypes. Even if *i* constantly seek out unusual content I am definitely *not* representative of the general media consuming populace or the art community or the oc community. And i will not fucking change anything just to be more palatable for Consumers. Just wish I wasn't soooo lonelyyyyyyy. Or that I could at least get an idea of what I'm missing here.

Uhhh on the off chance you did read this whole thing PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT FEEL BAD OR GUILTY FOR ANYTHING ABOUT ME I am very mentally ill. idk maybe its the daylight savings. sad ant with bindle dot jpeg.

[helptheheart]

A girls disappointment.

So. Yes I know against, what I have said and agreed with, I did go back to see him today. I fact I'm writing this sat on the sofa at his mates house.

I feel mad disrespectful, cause we kinda did it.... on his mates bed... though his mate knew what was up, and said it was fine, I felt like I was doing smth wrong. Only because it was in someone's bedroom, that I've only met what, a month ago.

And as I said with my very first sentence. I was underwhelmed. It wasn't bad, but just not how I pictured my loss of innocents to go. It was very much a race that I didn't win. It was a sprint when I was running a marathon. If your catching my drift, good. Because I have no other metaphors.....

But as of right now I can tell you. This disappointment is palpable. Miss big O? Where was she? I was just getting into it when he finished the race.

I'm not sure how much I have mentioned this in the free posts I have already made but I am an asexual person. For those of you that don't know. And let's be real no ones reading this. An asexual person is someone who feels little to no sexual attraction. We do feel attraction but most of the time it isn't sexual more emotional.

And I know this will be very tmi but once again let me be real. No one but me will ever read those shit.

I took a long ass shower getting ready for this. I finally decided that my fear and frankly my lack of being comfortable with it was just getting in the way, so I let myself let go of it and I shaved. Me whole body for this i dont know why i expected to see the light of God. Only for it to last less that what 8 minutes.

And honestly I don't really know what I was expecting. Because as an asexual person when I. (Once again tmi) when I touch myself I get there in just under I'd say 5 minutes. This is a guy that has been with more than a few girls. Maybe it was because we were at his friends, and we couldn't do more? But i guess I just expected it to be a little more than feeling like filling a whole.

And honestly. I feel like my hesitance and how I felt before, actually made my expectations worse. And now I feel super dumb.

Right so I just talked to one of my friends, and they are also asexual. They completely agreed with what I said. And how they were also underwhelmed. And they only really do it because their boyfriend wants to. They asked me if I was going to do it again and I said if the guy asked me I wouldn't be as hesitant but would be more apathetic about it. Because from this experience, I feel super underwhelmed and know for a fact I can do a better job myself.

Anyway that's all from me for today, or until I have another problem or there's an update on my situation that I want to get off my chest without venting to my best friend about it who has basically told me that I shouldn't gk any further with this guy and then I went and fucked him... she's not going to know about this unless she reads this blog. But I don't she will. She's not on here as much as she used to be.

[crinklebuns]

a

the australian government’s department of human services might seem incompetent but they know exactly what they’re doing either them or their governing body quite deliberately make the welfare system unbearable at every single step, and every few years the belt tightens, people in genuine need or trouble and people who are honest to god trying their hardest to get themselves into a better life are the ones that suffering every budget, people on newstart are hundreds of dollars a fortnight below the poverty line if welfare is their sole income, social security isn’t a lifestyle that anyone wants and its fucking insulting when politicians who haven’t wanted for a single fucking thing a day in their life have never been hungry have never had to worry about being on the street if they forget to tick yes on a website every 2 weeks or don’t mark off attendance before 5pm everyday suggest that i’m ‘bludging’ off the taxpayer, these out of touch actual tax payer thieves writing off family holidays as business expenses say oh, just stop buying X, among all the other concessions we have to make, i’m a fat motherfucker and can’t afford to live healthily because shitty garbage food is so much cheaper than actually eating right, and everything we ever hear is you’re the problem it’s you it’s you failed an interview? you need work on your skills, it’s not that 20 people are applying for the same position and obviously they are going to pick the best candidate it’s your fucking fault because you aren’t good at talking to strangers and can’t be yourself and freeze when you finally see a glimmer of escaping the fucking drudgery or that theres only 150,000 job vacancies at any one time and nearly 2 million unemployed/underemployed people trying to get them and another few hundred thousand hidden unreported unemployed, it’s just your fault. this system is designed to push people to the fucking brink so they save some pennies on the budget to pump hundreds of millions into privatization for pure fucking profit. if the government gave a shit about lowering unemployment it would focus on job creation incentives but instead i’m in a mindset where i will accept any paid job no matter how bad the conditions and pay are not ONLY that but i’m obligated to as apart of agreements i’ve signed. unemployment is so stigmatizing and abrasive to even talk about, when people ask what i do i don’t say i am obligated to work 25hrs a week to satisfy a clause in my job plan, i just say i work at an op shop, and before that i lied to every single person that asked and usually just tell them i’m a student at the uni. job agencies are so little help, i could list a dozen personal anecdotes why and so could anyone else on newstart their bottom line is just keeping DHS happy and making their numbers look good after all they get funding for every single one of us in their system : ) they even refered to me as a “client” in correspondence to my work for the dole provider, my old consultant before my current didn’t even look at my job search effort, if i wrote the same listing 20 times i’m sure she wouldn’t have noticed, i would email her resume updates and i’d actually have to ask about them in our appointments and she’d just go ‘oh’ and open it and read it then and suggest changes after i’ve already printed and handed off copies.

this is a cycle that isn’t intended to be broken, we are a commodity to job providers and a statistic to the government we are free labour to work for the dole hosts.

[trashcatsnark]

not to sad vague post into the void on tumblr, but truly what else is tumblr for.

But I feel like every time I start off writing for a fandom with one shot porn, that becomes like the only content people in the fandom care about from me. And it always depresses me because while I love writing oneshot smut, my long fics are where like my real passion is and I know easily consumable content will always do better, but like.. it hurts man...

I throw out something quick and horny and everyone eats it up, I get tons of people talking to me about it, everyone telling me how good it is. And that feels nice.

But I post chapter after chapter of content that takes me more time, energy, and dedication, where I'm creating characters I love (my shitty ass ocs) and trying to actually craft a narrative. And I get maybe three comments. And I appreciate those people, god, I appreciate those people. Just, its such a significant difference and it gets to me.

And I know, I know, I should just be happy with the interaction I get. But seeing that severe disparity just... hurts. I know it shouldn't, but it does.

I know its dumb, no one owes me their time, energy, praise, attention, or validation. And I'm a fuckin hypocrite cause I don't engage with others on their content enough, I know that, I don't think I've even read much fic at all within the past couple months.

So, its stupid, petty, and all around dumb, I need to learn to not give a shit. I write for me and for fun, that's the whole point, and I know that logically. hell, I'm still writing my cyberpunk longfic as I type this vent, if I didn't enjoy it, I would have stopped a while back.

But like, also, I think its natural to want people to care about what you create? To wanna evoke some sort of reaction when you put content out, especially stuff you put a lot of time and energy into.

Like, I wish I cared less and sometimes I do, but other times, I dont know it just gets to me that I'm just "a porn writer" to most people in most fandoms I'm in. And like yeah, I am a porn writer, but like my oc has a wholeass backstory and plotlines and most people only care about that time Johnny jerked off on her tits. And i don't know, that's just frustrating sometimes. I know expecting the same kind of engagement on short porn compared to long ass fic chapters is unrealistic, but they feel miles apart.

I think the only fandom where I didn't fall into that trap was FC5 because I led with the long fic. But I've been struggling to get inspo to write for it lately.... I'm hoping the joseph dlc will unleash something in me, but rn I'm just blah...

I also like... generally feel like a waste of space rn, like completely removed from my shitty fics.

[wychive]

𝙪𝙣𝙨𝙥𝙤𝙠𝙚𝙣 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙙𝙨

summary // you found your pile of ‘letters’ to hyunjin that contain thoughts that have never been said and decided to write to him one last time.

pairing(s) // hyunjin x gn!reader, hyunjin x oc, slight minho x reader

genre(s) // angst, letter fic 

warning(s) // mentions of food, themes of being forgotten, vulgar wording, humiliation, overthinking

word count // 2.0k

author's note // happy birthday @noya-sannnn​ !! im sorry this was so late hhh you know how i am irl,, but i hope you enjoy this! i love you so much, jane <3 i apologize for the many grammar mistakes gn. i recommend listening to iu’s ending scene while reading this! btw y/n/n means your nickname.

[10/01/14, 3:55am]

dear jinnie,

hi there! it's y/n <3 i hope you're doing okay - i mean of course you are pfft anyways, just writing this short letter (more like paragraph)  sort of as a venting mechanism? for things i cant tell you about lol  im not so sure how you would call it, since you're so much better at words than i am. basically were like:

hyunjin: ow a brain freeze!

me: haha brain go brrrr

anyways haha yea <3 it's 4am so like,, ill see you at school!

signed,

your loser,

y/n/n

[15/02/14, 12:34am]

yo heartthrob!

im back with this kinda stuff haha it's been a whole? week? since ive written one of these so like yes..hi! i just wanted to say thanks, for today. you really know how to cheer me up huh? you really outdid yourself by setting up that little picnic for us. congrats on making the strawberry cake so perfectly <3 this day will always stay as a core memory in the back of my brain. you're too caring sometimes,,, istg you'll pay for this [maybe hugs?] >:) 

signed,

your partner in crime,

y/n/n

[30/02/15, 01:29am]

jinnie-senpai~~

LMAO you hate me calling you that, doesn't change a thing though. hehe,, nways i hope you enjoyed your birthday present :) i got you that really cool skateboard that you wanted. i worked my ass off for that in my mother's garden so like,, you gotta thank me for that a thousand times :D nah jk, its a sincere gift, from me to you. i rarely do this for ANYONE so consider yourself lucky to have a best friend like me -3- also, seungmin is like….kinda the cutest person ever. introduce me to him pls, thank!

signed,

<your bestest friend3,

y/n

(p.s. you're kinda cute too,,,, ig,,, still stinkee tho)

[13/04/15, 9:04pm]

hey 'baby' (HAHAHA ihy for this)

i hope your day was okay! i didn't see much of you today (which was sort of a bummer but wtv) so like…. uh yea. you told me you were doing okay over text, which kinda surprised me because like?? we always video call lol this is kinda the first time,, but its okay, i trust you! (i really hope youre doing alright tho, i'll beat anyone up if they make you sad >:( ) you also called me 'sweetheart' today which was like…. omg wtf haha????????? that was so weird to me for some reason… a good kind of weird :D we haven't done those kinds of nicknames in a while so…. happy to know that they're back in session <3 i talked to the new girl today, she's really cool! like she knows the bean song on tiktok so like its a total win heh, ill introduce you to her tomorrow! you'll love her a lot

signed,

your 'lover',

y/n/n

[08/06/16, 10:23pm]

hey howl (hehe go back to that movie night we had)

this spring break sucks so much,, esp because youre not here (you still couldve brought me along :'[ ) but wtv i hope youre enjoying yourself. ive been hanging out with yeonnie lately and i found out she likes conan grey too like pls i love her sm. can we adopt her?? please???? she told me you guys have been video calling too and that makes me so happy!! you two are getting along so well aaa my precious babies </3 

what if you developed a crush on her? haha…..jk unless?? (no jk dont shes all mine, stay away >:) ) anyways, i hope the three of us hang out soon. maybe go to that ice cream parlour where they serve the best cookies and cream?  

signed,

your daisy,

y/n/n

[19/07/15, 01:23am]

peepee poopoo hello

heyheyhey!! (heh, haikyuu thingz) i hope youre doing okay! i mean sure you are, with everything going so well. also i feel like you're not telling me something. maybe it's just me? is it? i hope it is because you tell me everything,, we've been talking less these days but its okay! i know how busy you are, especially with your dad always bugging you,,

also, i think yeonbin likes you :0,, she keeps talking about you whenever we hang out. don't get me wrong, its not bad that she likes you but...something doesn't feel right. i feel like i'm being the third wheeler here and like ugh idk. haha laughs yea i think its just me.. im sorry, i didnt mean to do you like this,, anyways, ill see you soon + her too ofc- yall are inseparable lmao

signed,

your moonlight,

y/n/n

[23/07/15, 01:56am]

greetings, kind sir

lol more like mean sir but like aight KSKSK,, anyways,, how have you been? we haven't really talked in a while,, our convos are always so short with it being one-sided :/ i wish you were online more. yeonnie is ignoring me,, do you know why? i think you do,,, but when i asked you just said you didnt know. did i do something wrong? pls tell me.. 

she blocked my contact the other day and she won't even smile at me when i pass her in the hallways. its,, sad and stressful especially because she was the only one that would genuinely talk to me. i hate to say this,, but i miss you. us, hanging out like the best trio we are, yknow? but i dont think you miss me the same way. sorry, im getting out of hand. i know im just overreacting. im just gonna sleep ig,, good night! sweet dreams,,

signed,

your pink lemonade,

y/n/n

[25/07/15, 03:25am]

hi there

i heard you and her got together?? congrats, jinnie! im so proud of you,, especially because you never had even considered getting a girlfriend a few months earlier lmaO you really woo the ladies huh? anyways,, i hope you've been well since we last talked,, how many days has it been?? i would say nearly a week or so but honestly it feels like a hundred years,, considering you and i used to talk every day. but you have her now to keep you company.

keep this a secret but can you possibly tell me why it hurts when i see her? or when i mention her or even think of her?? is it because she's connected to you? but.. you're my best friend, so why? is it because i miss you? is it because im alone now? is it because you left me with a simple 'i have to go now,, bye y/n/n.'? im not sure either. im being silly, i apologize. ill figure it out sooner or later. sweet dreams, jinnie

signed,

your asswipe,

y/n

[25/07/15, 04:30am]

jinnie

it's because i love you. 

signed,

your butterfly,

y/n

[??/08/??, 05:??am]

you

i miss your lame jokes. i miss your smile. i miss your laughs. i miss your funny faces. i miss the way your eyes twinkle. i miss th way you would make me happy just by doing the bare minimum. i miss the disaster you made when cooking breakfast. i miss the night when you snuck me out just to go to that pretty lantern event. i miss when you would call out my name everytime we met. i miss when we would share earbuds in train rides. dont you get it, hyunjin? i miss you.

[??/??/15, ??:??am]

asshole.

please tell me that isn't true, please. you're too kind to do these kinds of things, right? + i was your best friend,, then, why, why did you hurt me like this. i didnt do anything wrong.. you couldve just told me you didnt like me,,, why did she have to tell me? out of all people. 

youre so pathetic for this,, i thought you were brave, bold - but youre just a fucking coward. i loved you, i really did. and i realised too late… im sorry. she,, i shouldn't have talked to her in the first place, right? i bet you knew she humiliated me, in front of everyone. of course you did, you were the only one that knew. you told her. fuck, i hate you so much (yet why do i long for you on a night like this?). you know how much that'll affect me and yet, there you are, laughing about it with her.

signed,

fuck off,

you know who i am.

[31/08/15, 03:41am]

ah, jinnie

please tell me this is just a nightmare. please, please. stop just reading my texts, please answer them. jinnie. i miss you so much. i dont care bout her, please just let me be in your arms. i dont care if you love me back, please just talk to me at least. tell me what i did wrong,, jinnie,, please,,, clear these tear stains on my cheek with kisses.

signed,

your fuck-up,

y/n

[15/09/15, 04:59am]

jinnie

why do i keep crying because of you? its been a few weeks since everything has happened. please, nothing has changed. i still love you the same even with all the hatred i have pent up in this stupid brain of mine. i wish i could just walk back in time, to where it all began.

when i first met you in third grade and you pushed me while playing soccer or maybe when we took those ridiculous prom pictures, remember those? i hope you still have them,, because i do too. i hope the pictures of us on your wall still hang there,, it'll remind you of the happy times. hm,, maybe you don't need them. 

you already have millions of pictures with you and her,, i bet you printed some and replaced those with ours right? sly dog. 

signed,

friend,

y/n/n

[04/02/16, 12:57am]

hey

i went to the park today and saw both of you being happy. it's nice to see your smile again. im sorry i didnt go up to you,, i just thought it would be awkward. when i heard that adorable laugh of yours, it made me realise that i lost something special. but it's okay isnt it? as your happiness matters more than mine. 

signed,

y/n

[06/01/20, 08:00pm]

dear hyunjin,

im doing fine here. how about you? gosh,, how long has it been? years? since we last talked to each other. i havent heard from you since. i would just like to say i still think of you sometimes, when watering the plants or dancing while making pancakes. sometimes i think you're here with me too, just being the pals we were. 

sometimes i'd see you out, just reading a book in the park or buying pasta sauce at the grocery store. it's nice to see you having a stable life. im not sure if you're still with her or not, but its good to know that you still have that large friend group. also! you're never gonna guess who im dating--

it's minho! do you remember him? the one that i used to hate,, uh yeah. he asked me out the other day- you may wonder how tf,,, i too do not know how tf but he gives the best hugs ever. he gave me the love i wanted from you. he stitched my heart back together after it broke,, i love him so much, jinnie..

it's snowing,, do you remember when we would skate on the frozen lake in front of your house? are your parents well? i wonder if your mother still has those earrings i bought for her birthday. i never told you this but your laugh and hers sound so similar. 

i would just like to say thank you, for everything. you were a big part of my life, up until now. when we see each other after this, we would just be strangers. maybe flash a little smile or give a little wave whenever we greet each other but nothing more. some memories of us would flow in every now and then but it'll just be a short teaser. well, i'll be going now. smile for me, okay?

signed,

the one that loved you the most,

y/n.

taglist // @/noya-sannnn, @crvgio​ , @neo-shitty​

reply to be in my gen taglist!

[ermbabyel]

hi hi hi !! may i please request a personality ship with bts and ateez !! i apologize in advance bc it's super long </3

I’m a 5’9.5 (basically 5’10) girl with dark skin, jet black hair (currently in long twists rn!!), and i’m on the curvier side (esp hips and my thighs) !! some of my favorite features are my plump lips (and i have a beauty mark on my bottom lip!), my long legs (that look so so so so good in skirts and dresses), my kempt and pretty fingernails, and my eyelashes !!! i’m a virgo (and surprisingly i get along with all the signs, i cant think of a sole zodiac sign i DONT mix well with), and i am an i/enfj (i got 51% extravert 49% intra the first time, then 50% for both the second time!! ) and i honestly agree—i’m an ambivert all the way! i often come off as cold/shy when meeting new people (one of my closest friends avoided me for a month before meeting me because i looked so intimidating LMAO), but once you get close to me i turn into a bundle of warmth and love: i will never stop texting them the <3 emoji every morning or buying my friends/s/o their favorite starbucks order when they need a little cheer-me-up.

  i’m extremely passionate about the issues and people i care about and the goals and dreams i have. I’m creative, patient, an extremely good listener, caring, a social butterfly, and extremely hardworking. my friends always told me of my heart of gold and how perceptive i am of the people around me—noticing immediately when something is wrong and trying to make them feel better. I’m also very headstrong, detailed, and determined!! my friends also call me a nerd since i’ve had all a’s since kindergarten—i LOVE school and would describe myself as intelligent. i really like that i’m empathetic and motivational to those around me. it’s really easy for me to show my affection, adoration, and support for someone because i just want everyone to feel loved and safe :( i HATE seeing my loved ones sad, and when people usually have problems about anything (from family to just school), i’m the one they come to talk to because of my warm and openminded heart. I love sharing happiness with my friends in their goals and always hype them up no matter what, and it makes me so so so so happy seeing my loved ones content. im also really, really funny (my fave personality trait of mine tbh)!! I’m always cracking jokes and laughing (sometimes for no reason LMAOO). i would be in the library at like 7 am with my friends and struggle with stifling my laugh from jokes i told </3

  I also love to go out and explore—whether trying out a new restaurant in the city or a newly opened amusement park or trying something new, like skydiving (or some other crazy but fun idea), trying recipes from around the world, or trying sledding for the first time! at the same time, i like really chill, mellow spending-time-alone-or-with-one-other-person activities like baking (my favorite treat to bake is red velvet cupcakes and cheddar bay biscuits) and dancing !! (i’ve been a dancer for more than 12 years!!). i can also speak more than 5 languages (including korean!) and i’m always saying random phrases (like thank you, i love u so much!, gtfo my face, that sucks ass) in a random language too LMFAOOO. i often think being a coffee/cafe lover is a personality trait (i love love love love love coffee) i also love accessories (earrings, necklaces, bracelets, anklets, rings, etc) and would die of happiness when the day i can wear matching accessories with my s/o comes.

besides being my bestfriend who i can kiss and whatnot (hehe), my ideal type is a TALL (THEY DONT HAVE TO BE but 5’9+...i’m already tall but pls .5 of an inch taller would be enough) man who has eyes for me and only me !!! they may look cold/cool/mysterious/laid back at first glance (like “i dont like u lol” or “yeah haha 🙂" to any other girls but “hi baby what can i do for u today to please the loml” with me <3)  but turn into the sweetest, warmest, cutest honey bun once i get to know them! (kinda like me)!! ALSO a man who can pull off all black outfits like those are my FAVORITE omg. he needs to have a BIG sense of humor (like i want to laugh every second i’m with him and laugh so hard that our stomachs start hurting and we beg each other to stop making jokes type of humor), fashionable (so i can learn fashion pls and wear coordinated outfits with him). i just want a boy who i could talk to and listen to for HOURS. like i would follow him into the bathroom as he showers and sit on the toilet and just listen to him talk about his day or vent to him, but also a boy that loves comfortable silence!! like just cuddling with each other or im studying, and hes working on a personal project so that just being with him makes me feel warm <3 i want a s/o who’s willing to go out and travel with me so i could take off guard pics of him and make him my wallpaper until he begs me to change it. im also not good at conflict so if conflict arises, id love a boy who knows how to talk me down and open up the room for conversation and make me feel safe and not as if im confronted or wrong, someone where we can just talk, resolve our problem, and make it up with a hug or night out!! this kinda leads to me wanting a relationship where we both help improve each other and our flaws (for example some of my flaws are callousness, taking things to heart sometimes, and not opening up easily, etc), so i’d really appreciate a relationship where my partner and i can help each other grow as people. i also love love love to cook, so i’d love an s/o that loves cooking with me and teaching each other how to cook each other’s cultural foods (i would love to teach my bf how to cook jollof rice and have a cookoff one day). I like ALL 5 of the love languages but my top 3 tied for 1st are quality time (THIS i want to spend everyday with my bf at chinatown or a new city exploring), words of affirmation (someone who reaffirms me of their love continuously, supportively, and in sweet ways), and acts of service (cooking my favorite food when i’m down, doing chores that i cant do when tired). men who are really expressive through touch are also ideal <3 i'd shy away from pda, but inside the house i’d be so happy yet so shy and flustered when they express their love through touch (like laying in my lap so i can play with their hair, holding my hand while watching tv, cuddling while talking about whatever). OR like the SLIGHTEST compliment or act of love (LIKE BACKHUGS OR HOLDING HANDS OR KISSING MY BEAUTY MARKS OR FOREHEAD KISSESJSJSJSJ). i love a man who's goal oriented, know what he wants, and makes the move first (kinda like taking control of the relationship!!) in all, i’d just love to be really appreciated and loved and also show the same love, support, warmth, closeness, and happiness to my bf <3 tysm <333

Hi hi~! You sound like such a sweetheart and so cute 😍💕 I’ll be super happy to ship you~!

Bts

Yoongi 🥳

I thought of Yoongi right away while reading your submission. You sound like such a sweet and supportive person that I think Yoongi would benefit from being in a relationship with you. You also remind me a lot of hobi when I was reading your description so I think you two would be best friends too~! Yoongi would be intrigued by your appearance, your intimidating aura around you would make him want to know you more. Surely there’s more than meets the eye...and Yoongi was correct. After getting to know you more. He soon learned how such a happy and sweet person you are. He would love the duality of you. It’s keeps him on his toes and yearns to learn more o about you~! Yoongi is a very passionate person as well, especially with his career and his members. And I’m sure he’d be passionate with you too, but he’ll show you in his own little ways. For example, writing songs about you for bts’ new comeback, getting you your favorite foods and drinks when you both have had a long day...he just loves you so much. I can see you, and sope being the three musketeers of bts, you three would do SO much together. Yoongi can be a silly and goofy person as we’ve seen, but only certain people can drawl that aspect out of him, so you and hobi would do SOO well at making him feel comfortable to let loose and have fun~! I can see you and hobi goofing around at the studio with each other and Yoongi would shake his head and act unimpressed, but we all see right through him and he truly adores you in that state~! Yoongi would also think it’s super adorable how flustered and shy you get when he gets touchy with you 👀💜. Just a very cute and wholesome relationship~! 🥰

Ateez

Seonghwa 🥳

You love when your partner takes control? You don’t need to tell Seonghwa twice! The boy would LOVE to take care of you and take the lead in the relationship. I think he’s also naturally dominate, so it would be no problem for him~! I can see you two going on cute coffee dates to local cafè shops close by. Seonghwa would absolutely adore how excited you are about coffee~! He would also think it’s hella attractive that you’re a dancer 👀. He LOOOOVES to watch you dance for himself maybe he would create a dance for only you two to perform. Your legs and lips are how absolute favorite physical traits of yours. Seonghwa would always have a hand on your leg or knee whenever you guys are sitting down. And if you’d let him, Seonghwa would kiss you all day long~! He just loves the feeling of your soft lips against his 💜. Seonghwa also adores how happy and cheerful you are. Especially on hard long days full of practices and performances, your cheerful and loving nature always makes him feel better and soooo much more relaxed. I can see both of you mothering the other members too~! He appreciates you taking care of him at times, but he’s also take opportunities to take care of you too~! Overall a very sweet and loving relationship~! ❤️‍🔥

Again, I am very sorry for the long ass wait 🥺. I hope you enjoy your ships love~! Stay happy and healthy~! 🤗💜

[nobodies-png]

I see some poor anon lost their best friend and I lost my mother just recently. May I request some hc's of how the organization members would (at least try to) comfort someone who has lost someone dear? It's okay tho if you don't want to ^^ - M

 awe, sorry to hear that, nonnie ! and sorry for replying to this one so late too, hope 2020 brings you a lotta joy and happiness ! 

Xemnas : 

A part of him can relate to that feeling, even if he doesn’t understand exactly why or how. Nonetheless, Xemnas would simply listen to every word you had to get out of your chest - but if none come out, he’ll gladly stay by your side in absolute comforting silence. Sometimes, peace and quiet to calm the mind can do more than endless words of encouragement. And he’d be too awkward to just go and give you a hug, so the only thing he can do is offer you his company, along with time and a safe space to get your thoughts and feelings in order.

Xigbar :

One would expect Xigbar to take you to some whacky adventures so you can distract yourself from those negative thoughts and feelings - but he’s also dealt with his fair share of loss and he’s found that facing the facts and coming to terms with them helps more than idle and mindless fun. Of course, it takes time to gather the courage and stability to do so - but if you ever need a reality check and some down to earth advice for something this serious, Xigbar’s your guy. Honor the past and cherish the good memories, but dont dwell so much on them. Don’t let them hold you back !

Xaldin : 

Hands down, Xaldin s u c k s at comforting people, specially as a Nobody and his complex relationship with f e e l i n g s. What is he supposed to say in these situations ? Hell, even giving you a pat on the back is hard for him. Like, is it okay for him to do so ? What if you start crying ? ? Because of this, he can only say he’s a good listener, maybe give you some general words of advice here and there. However, he wouldn’t be against cooking something for you - a nice warm meal followed by a good rest is usually what he does whenever he has a bad day. You’re even welcome to steal from the cookie jar and brag about it to Demyx and Axel.

Vexen :

As a scientist, it’s very easy for Vexen to detach himself from emotional situations and come up with a straightforward and cold reply to your loss. It’s the way he deals with things that require a heart, after all. Brain = good. Heart = confusing. Easy peasy. Of course, when he realizes that this method clearly doesn’t work and that you’re about to smack him, Vexen would feel a b i t guilty and offer to help in a different way. It’s very easy to let yourself go after losing someone and accidentally adapt some unhealthy habits - this is where he comes in, helping you make a schedule so you don’t end up oversleeping, skipping meals or avoid being active.

Lexaeus : 

Lexaeus is also a silent listener, it’s just kinda how he rolls. But unlike Xaldin who struggles with it, Lexaeus is good at comforting others without the need of words. Definitely one of the very few people in the organization that would hug and hold you for as long as you need, not caring if you stain his coat with tears. His aura and willingness to protect others can make anyone feel safe with him, so you’re in good hands. Lexaeus would even give you one of his little puzzle toys, in case he can’t be around. They might be small, but they sure help a lot to distract you for a while and remember that he’s got your back. 

Zexion :

Zexion might be emotionally constipated due to his status as a Nobody, but he’s no stranger to the negative emotions of the human psyche. If you reach out to him, he’d be willing to help - but you gotta keep in mind that he’s still a kid at heart and hasn’t found the proper way to cope and deal with his own feelings. Still, Zexion makes up for his lack of knowledge when it comes to comforting with his extense collection of books ! He’d recommend you things to read, both literature you two could discuss as a past time and articles about dealing with loss and grief. He’d also make use of his powers to create illusions you might enjoy if you’ve had a particulary rough day.

Saix : 

Saix doesn’t comfort, at least not so openly like other members. His approach is pretty much the aftermath of Vexen’s idea to give you a schedule - so long story short, Saix is the one who’d enforce and make sure you follow it. Which means he’s gonna be on your ass most of the time and as annoying as that might sound (Demyx feels so bad for you because of this) if you squint really really hard, you’ll notice that he does care about your wellbeing. “You have to keep on moving” he’d say, while sending you into your 6th mission of the day, which simply consists on taking care of a few heartless and some general recon. You’ll also find that most of your reports have been already filled out, but hey, don’t ask him.

Axel : 

Another awkward guy - Axel has trouble comforting friends, but damn if he’s not going to try. The way he speaks is more than enough to cheer you up, or at the very least give you back that passion you had prior your loss, it’s like he sparks a fire in you ! You just gotta go all out, ride all of this out and. Cry, scream, feel everything you gotta feel and then kick back with people you can trust, eat some ice cream with them. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and held. Axel would totally invite you to join him, Xion and Roxas to their whacky adventures around Twilight Town.

Demyx : 

Very obvious, but Demyx would encourage you write a song about it. It’s what he does to sort his feelings out, figure out what feels right in the end. And besides, learning how to play an instrument is always fun - you also got the best (and only) music teacher in the organization ! If that’s not your cup of tea, then you can try any other artistic outlet. Dancing, writing, etc etc. Demyx is fully aware that fortnite dancing at 3 am is not going to fix his problems, but it sure helps him stay grounded and remember that life is not as serious as we make it out to be.

Luxord : 

Luxord is very polite, so he won’t pry into your business - but the second he notices little changes in you like that permanent tired expression or the way you sigh a little too much on a daily basis, he’d invite you over for tea, subtly give you an excuse to talk to him and vent should you need it without being too invasive or forward. If you still can’t or refuse to open up, Luxord would take you for a walk around Wonderland or another colorful and fun world, giving you some advice in the form of his cryptid ramblings. When a door closes, another opens - and if there aren’t any, then you just have to open a window, get some fresh air and a new perspective.

Marluxia :

Marluxia can also relate to that. Surprisingly, he’d be very gentle, asking if you’d like to share some happy memories you have with that someone. Maybe even set up a small makeshift “shrine” in their honour, of course covered with their favorite flowers. He’s just happy to help you, listening to you reminisce and remember them with a smile on your face. It’s very shocking to see this side of him, given how flamboyant and eccentric he can be - but those passing encouraging smiles Marluxia gives you whenever he sees you are a great comfort.

Larxene :

Larxene is… Not the best choice if you want to be comforted. Her method is an extreme version of Xigbar’s, she’ll simply offer a quick “deal with it” and a hard “grow up and accept it”. While she might be impulsive and very emotional Larxene is actually a very logical person with a good understanding of her own feelings. What you can learn from her is that everyone needs to ultimately find their own way of coping and dealing with grief, no one else can tell you how or when to feel a certain way no matter how good their intentions might be. Take the good advice, but don’t depend on others for everything. Your way might be unconventional, but as long as it’s not hamrful for yourself and you’re aware of your limits, it’s good enough.

Roxas :

Roxas doesn’t know what to do, at all. So he’d simply ask about what YOU want to do now. How would you like to deal with these feelings and such. He’ll be there right next to you, even if you just wanna cry and sleep it off or if you want to distract yourself and never speak about it. Roxas is there, holding your hand all the way and making sure you know you’re not alone. Like Marluxia, he might also ask about the person you lost, just out of curiosity. And then maybe internally facepalm because oh shit, what if you don’t want to talk about it. The way Roxas worries about you, stuttering apologies and awkwardly explaining that he simply wants to make you feel better is so endearing that you can’t help but feel safe and sound.

Xion :

Xion would simply take you to Destiny Islands, to watch the waves, feel the sand and the sun on your skin. She wouldn’t ask at all, instead explaining that this is the place she goes to whenever she’s feeling confused, lost or just a little under the weather - and now, she wants to share this with you. You don’t have to say a thing, Xion doesn’t need to know your pain to realize that you just need a friend and a shoulder to cry on. Someone to rely on. The two of you would just spend the afternoon picking up seashells, exploring the island and relaxing. She’ll gladly listen if you have anything to say, but it’s okay, you’ve done enough. Let her take care of you now.

[tfw-no-tennis]

mtmte liveblog issues 4&5

its delphi time babey

I'm sorry but drift & co look like such fuckin nerds on their scooter things on the cover lmaooo

oh god. seeing the first page just reminded me of how horribly confused i was for this whole little arc the first time i read it. i was like ok, who are all these new characters, and also why does everyone look so similar

anyways now i now what's going on. i love first aid

love the running continuity of rung being the literal only psychologist on cybertron (except for fr*id but that's later). no wonder everyone's fucked up they all have to share a single therapist 

ok i find it extremely funny that first aid was demoted from doctor to nurse, as if that's a thing that happens EVER - I mean it'd be one thing if first aid was a nurse practitioner (which i doubt is a position that exists here), at least that demotion would make sense, but like...the doctors i work with don't know how to do most nurse stuff (like BP, cathing, vaccinations, hell even using some of the thermometers - that's all stuff nurses/etc do), so demoting one to a nurse would be a disaster (just like promoting a really good nurse to a doctor would be a bad idea). anyways i know I'm being pedantic but it Be like that when you work in the medical field and read something that has medicine-related stuff in it

i love swerve giving ratchet the tiniest free drink ever lmaooo

is that skids being a rowdy drunk in the bg lmaoooo

unironically i love medical statistics. keep it comin

i love magnus’s giant sternal chestpiece thing. its like a bird’s sternum but without the massive pec muscles attached 

i love magnus and rodimus’s dynamic so much

oh pipes....im so sorry but this fun space adventure is going to be not so much fun for you

ratchets ideologies are certainly interesting, and i liked seeing how they changed over the course of the story

drift: why would i be SCARED of the DJD, I've got a SWORD, two swords even,

hvbhajkhfbsdjkf pipes really said ‘oi, you two - what's this, then?’ that's the most british fucking thing, that's literally something i say when I'm doing an overexaggerated british accent, oh my god,

PIPES IS SUCH A TINY DUMBASS. ILY SIR BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING

aaaand now you're covered in dead bodies, pipes. look at your life, look at your choices

drift epic sword moments

drift confirmed for the kinda weird guy who has katanas that he uses to like, cut up fruit and water bottles in his backyard while rodimus films him

‘i thought i heard...bickering’ lmaooooo

ah, so its covid

this arc is how i feel working in healthcare lmaooo especially now that i probably have covid 

so rewind condensed the entire war into an 11 second long cringe compilation. nice

seeing the mechanical stuff past tailgate’s visor is so cool

poor tailgate, this guy is getting slammed with history from multiple sides. and like, bias is inevitable in ANY sort of recounting of events, especially controversial historical events, so poor tg just kinda has to take it all in and decide who to listen to 

that’s...not really how immunity works, guys. also, you shouldn't be exposed to so much disease with proper ppe usage

is there even such thing as ppe in the transformers universe?? there are fluid- and contact-transmitted illnesses, so there SHOULD be

is there even OSHA in this universe??????? unbelievable 

first aid, holding a giant fucking claw clamp: we haven't tried EVERYTHING............

first aid read a human wikihow article on how to jumpstart a car and took notes 

i love tailgate’s ‘mom says its my turn on the xbox’ pose 

tailgate has a point - he’s from pre-war times, where things weren't as grey so of course he would try to divide the two sides into ‘good guys’ and ‘bad guys’

CYCLONUS BE NICE DONT HIT UR FUTURE HUSBAND

go get some character development and then maybe you'll feel better

seeing the word quarantine is making me twitchy w/my possible month-long complete isolation quarantine on the horizon

drift pulling his swords on pipes and ratchet pushing down drift’s arms...lmao

poor pipes...even tho this is completely his fault, its still rough

also jesus, pharma and ratchet look so goddamn similar, reading this was so confusing the first time around 

drifts idea of subduing pipes involves turning into a cool car and also posing with his sword

also. never gonna be over drift’s massive thighs. jesus man

ooof now drift has the rona. ouch 

poor drift, his covid realization is getting overshadowed by pharma being flung around

first aid bustin thru w/the epic medical nipple clamps and some Big Boi Backup

ok that's an epic pre-beatdown speech from fort max right there, daym 

im just gonna continue on w/issue 5 now for continuity’s sake. yay!

the cover of tailgate in magnus’s autobot school is so cute

and we open with an incredible shot of fort max str8 up ripping a guy in half. i mean, to be fair, he DID just give an epic speech about how much he was gonna do that, and he certainly followed thru

yeahhhhh, fort max is not doing so well atm

when he puts that dudes head in his chest vent thing and then snaps it shut....man 

also i fucking LOVE when their faces are shaded all in black w/only the eyes/mouth fully drawn...fantastic stuff

ratchet: phew i am not equipped to deal w/this level of Fucked Up Mental Trauma. u good m8?

ratchet is already writing up a referral to rung for fort max as this is happening

drift is just laying on the ground dying like, oh hey yeahh I'm still here too 

i fucking love when punctuation is drawn in story - like here where first aid has a little ? over his head....fav

ratchet holding drifts hand ;_; 

ok tbh ambulon having switched sides 10 yrs ago is wild bc like, 10 years is barely any time for these guys, especially in a war that lasted 4 million years. that would be like a human switching sides in a war like, 3 months before it ends. probably. i sense some math bs, I'm just extrapolating here

all that mexican standoff shit is going down and first aid is just like But That's None Of My Business

ah so ambulon is an asymptomatic carrier 

and there's first aid with the save! iconic

pharma calling ratchet ‘buddy’ hbvakjdsbfhkasdf

ooooh i love that they figured it out - and i love that twist, that transforming is what triggers the start of symptoms. remember when drift turned into a cool car? yep

s/o to Ambulon Transformers for helping me in my medical terminology courses, bc now ill always remember: Leg(tm)

also this explanation makes a ton more sense (in universe, at least) than the whole ‘i guess we as medical staff have been exposed to enough Germz that we’re more immune to this or something’ theory 

ah, i love the meaningless (to me) alien robot medical jargon 

drift and ratchet hhhhhhhhh

‘I'm too wide’ fort max L O R G E

also once again drift is forgotten in favor of a bunch of other dramatic stuff happening vbhjksdfbjhskdf

godddd i love tailgates little flashbacks where we see how Important and Special he is, complete with his ‘bomb disposal’ arm label...augh its so good! 

and tailgate’s autopedia page even reflects his lies! like, did tailgate go edit that first thing upon waking up??? seriously, I'm fascinated by tailgate’s meticulous dedication to his fake life

also the fact that ultra magnus believes everything he read on autopedia is amazing lmao

ultra magnus: you think somebody would just go on the internet and tell lies? 

fuckgin love magnus’s long ass name/title placard 

tailgate hvbahjkdfbjhaskf i mean, he’s gotten the abridged version of everything else, of course he would assume that’d be the case here too...but not on magnus’s watch

magnus cant even say ‘fun’ hvukdasdbjfkjsadf i love my uptight law dad

love rung implying that upon questioning, he would easily divulge a patient’s name and maybe even information about said patient’s treatment while under him....love the disregard for patient confidentiality and hipaa in general 

not that hipaa seems to exist here, at least not in a fully realized form 

also i mean the above genuinely, i think rung’s tendency towards at least slight malpractice is very interesting 

poor red alert....super bad luck that HE was the guy to get roped up in that overlord business 

I'm glad that, at the very least, red alert was able to prove that he was Actually hearing something to rung, rather than get brushed off completely 

god magnus and tailgate’s interactions are golden 

also tg is much more sarcastic/quippy than anyone gives him credit for tbh

‘thought warfare,’ ultra magnus says with complete seriousness. god i fucking love this comic

now i can tell pharma apart from ratchet bc pharma has let his true Petty Bitch nature emerge and you can see it in his expressions

the whole ‘tarn is addicted to transforming’ thing didn't really go anywhere, right? i feel like i noticed that on my second readthru as well 

also pharma is such an interesting character given the context of him like, trying to strike a bargain w/the djd to keep them from destroying delphi, but that arrangement inevitably kinda making him lose it as the situation escalates. he’s also just really entertaining bc i feel like he kins the joker or st and probably gets into really heated arguments w/people on twitter about just abt anything

‘sound bomb’ i love this comic

another important facet of pharma’s character becomes clear around this time as well - how he’s really into ratchet. i also choose to read them as awful exes tbh, it makes their dynamic even more entertaining

‘killmaster, with the wand’ is one of my favorite running remarks lmao

also, was killmaster even a character before mtmte? or, if he was, was he an important one? it would crack me up the most if he literally didn't exist at all, but any way you spin it is still funny 

ratchet’s tiny humansona facing off against pharma is wild

‘I'm miles from anyone i truly care about’ brutal, ratchet, drift is dying like 2 floors away (im p sure)

SUDDENLY DRIFT IS HERE, ACTUALLY 

oh don't worry first aid, that sure isn't the last we’ll be seeing of pharma 

so like, did first aid save everyone by posting that data log to his wreckers fan blog or something? lmao love it 

i love the pretty fucked up reveal of ratchet having stolen pharma’s hands. like, damn dude. 

and that wraps up the delphi arc! our first true ‘arc’ of mtmte, and a fantastic one at that. short and snappy and fresh, with some very clever writing and cool new characters, and a lot of great plot threads to be picked up later. plus, we got to see the beginnings of drift and ratchet’s whole thing (and ratchet and pharmas whole thing). and the lost light gets some much needed extra medical staff, so everyone wins! 

well, we’ll see how fort max feels about this all pretty soon.....

[avintagekiss24]

1/? I always get so disheartened when everything in media and fanfics cater towards white women. God, I remember being a toddler, and wishing I was white. I hated my brown eyes, black hair, tan skin and asian features, hell, I was ashamed. Jesus christ, even now, there are times where I do still feel like "wow... I hate being asian, i want to be a pretty white girl so who blushes a pretty pink color and can give birth to other white babies"

2/? im sorry, I just have a lot of pent up frustration with xReader stories where you're being described as a white girl, and maybe its cause im on my period, but now i wanna cry and smack some racist ass hoes... I always want to point it out though, but I'm scared of being attacked by a bunch of karens, ya know?

3/? Racially ambiguous readers are what we should strive for, but I feel like so many people just assume that being white is a 'default' or the 'norm' in fanfics, so when someone is finally like "you know what? Imma make a fic for specifically poc" so many people who are blissfully ignorant about what we woc struggle with, will cry and complain 

4/ Like... Come on, I think people can handle a few fanfics directed towards black women, especially when woc as a whole has been forgotten and tossed aside with these "reader" inserts and mainstream media...

5/ ok wow, im sorry, im annoying, i just have a lot of things i want to get off my chest.. And i do want to ask some authors about their choice of wording, or the pictures they use, but I feel like I can't, and that I don't have a voice.. i dont know where im going with this, but i just needed to air out my feelings before i go tumbling down the same hole i went down as a kid.. m sorry, ily and ill stop clogging up ur inbox with my dumbass rambling            

Don’t ever apologize for stating how you feel, babe. It’s good to let it out and I’m always here to listen.

I think every person of color has struggled with these feelings - namely, wanting to be white. My brothers and I went to predominately white elementary and high schools and my parents have said that all three of us at some point came home one day, down in the dumps, and said that we wished we were white. Being “white” has become the norm. It’s been shoved in our faces since we were babies that being light/white skinned and having blonde hair and blue eyes is what beauty is and anything outside of that is undesirable.

I understand what the original intent of reader inserts was - but it’s not what it’s supposed to be. WOC are different than white women. We have different struggles. We have different coping mechanisms. For instance, for black women, having short hair is not revolutionary like it is for white women. I remember when the chick from Harry Potter got that pixie cut and all the hoopla that surrounded it. How brave she was for cutting, how freeing it was for her... it’s not that for us. Also, having natural long hair as a black woman is not as easy as it is for white women. We can’t just wash that shit and go, lol, it’s a three hour process from getting in the shower to wash it to finally being ready to go out for the day/night. A lot of us can’t just throw it up in a messy bun.

By reading those things, it instantly excludes me, so, I can no longer view myself as reader. I wanted to change that. I try to not add specifics into my stories - hair length or texture, wig, weave, skin tone, eye color - because we all vary, but I just wanted my fellow black girls to know instantly that this piece is for you. Feel free to finally be able to read something that is geared towards you. Feel free to finally be able to immerse yourself in this world without wondering when the “whiteness” is going to creep up on you.

I just find it odd that people can suspend their beliefs for the MCU as a whole - I mean, there are two 100+ year old men, one with a metal arm, who were both frozen for a good period of their lives and then sudden de-thawed like pieces of chicken,  a guy who turns green when he’s angry, another guy who eats a purple flower to make himself stronger - but they can’t relate to a black!reader insert. It’s insane. It’s small minded. It’s racist.

I’m not going anywhere. I’m not changing how I write or what I write. They can send me all the anon messages they want about it. I’m. not. budging.

You’re not annoying! You can always come here and get this stuff off of your chest. I’m actually really glad that this has happened, it’s opened up so many meaningful conversations for readers and writers of all shades. Don’t be afraid to speak up, either. There is a polite way to message a writer and let them know how you feel without being rude. Maybe they don’t realize that they’re words are exclusionary. Maybe you could be the one that helps them improve/be more aware of how they come across and how they sculpt their words. Most writers will understand and will do their best to try and be as inclusive as possible. The MCU fandom is incredibly lucky to have as many passionate, loving, talented, compassionate writers and artists as it does, and most of them want to know how they can be and do better.

I love you, darling. Thank you for trusting me enough to vent your frustrations to me. You are always welcome here.

[bkdkink]

here’s part 2 for the ehhhh stuff 

“okay, so dy,” you ask, “if it looks good and plays well, story is excellent and music is perfect, wtf is up your ass about it then?”

so bear with me. what i am about to straight-up complain about rn is by no means anything major or even something that should prevent anyone from ever being apart of the game and its story. these are minor, personal complaints that i want to vent out, and if it so happens that i have people who agree with me then great! if not, then yeah i totally understand because people see the story differently and want different things, as life goes.

long rant ahead, beware. 

so the negative about kh3, ill start with the annoying and lead up to the heart-crushing part (yet expected) part first.

The Frozen and Tangled levels were rough. lmao, not skill-wise, no. Just. Tangled was going through the whole damn movie......right? without songs and certain minor characters, but we...went through the whole movie with Rapunzel and it was sooooo awkward to watch the cutscenes....because sora, donald and goofy were just. there. they did nothing to progress the story. they were just....there? eugene died. they witnessed a man DIE. and it was........anticlimatic a little in how they reacted???? like that they dont quite understand death so they were just like awwwwww :/ and then he came back so yeah, but. it was so weird?? with them there???? why were they there??? why this way???? why not make up a whole new story or add to it or something or other??? is it cuz she’s one of the new 7 princesses of light so we had to do a whole thing??? cuz we didn’t for any other princess??? oh besides Frozen.

Frozen was the worst level for me. just the worst. i never liked the movie, so that’s strike one, strike two is i had to re-listen to two of those infamous songs.......because sora had to listen to them. why....when....when was there disney songs shot frame-per-frame.....in KH? and no, ariel in KH2 doesn’t count because that whole WORLD was a MUSICAL WORLD. the only actions you could take was THROUGH muSICcccCCCCC.

my point is that there was too much pandering going on there, also the story was just as nonsensical as it was in the movie. if i never saw it i would have been so confused as to where that brunette dude came from, how he got Elsa, WHY he wanted to kill her---the game (tangled was a tad bit guilty of this too, wtf did Rapunzel start calling Flynn Eugene? i saw the movie so i knew but they didn’t explain that until their world was finished) so....good luck to whoever did watch the movies?? KH assumes you’ve seen both of them, compared to the Carribbean where I never saw the movie but i knew wtf was going on??? also big hero 6, never saw that but could get the gist!!!!

they were just WAY too movie heavy which isn’t the usual for the series, and im sure if they are included in the next game itll be a different experience because the movies are now established, so there hopefully there won’t be any pandering from Frozen’s end too much.

Now......the stuff that is more personal. okay here goes. 

KH, from the jump, has somewhat kinda tried to establish a maybe romantic angle between Sora and Kairi. Now, because of how friendship heavy the whole series is and the love friends share....I for one never picked that up until i was reading tvtropes and i was reading up on Kairi being one of the main reasons that Sora and Riku were even beefy in the first game to being with??? the both liked her but she chose Sora or something????? that shit flew so far over my head and no, i wasn’t a child playing the first game for the first time---this was only a couple years ago. i just....did not...pick up romantic interest? i picked up...friend?? because they kept saying....Friend™? 

anyway, series goes on, Kairi is known to the fandom as being written mostly out of focus and is never used well enough in the plot. and i agree. they never used her to her potential, and even in KH3, where she is now a keyblade wielder, she still becomes something to save...............even in the very end.........even when she and Sora had their moment of “imma save you this time!” .....no........sora still leaves to go and save her.............so.like.......yay for....growth? kinda....? i just feel bad for her tbh. 

that’s one thing. the main, large thing that i did see coming but was disappointed in nonetheless was that several games later of pushing her aside, of focusing much more on the relationship between Sora and Riku with an ENITRE GAME narrowed in on both of them and their journey toGETher---KH3 begins to focus on the romantic angle between Sora and Kairi again. and its obvious enough where NOW yes, even I picked up on it this time around.

and at this point......it just.....came off so forced? they lay it on thiccccccc my dudes. and it feels like it. yes, there are still moments between Riku and Sora, sure, but that is down-played SOOO much compared to fuggin KH:DDD or hell even KH2....

like.........i don’t expect any gay male video game protags from Square Enix, I really dont. but i also dont want some  last-minute romance shoved down my throat??? when i was fine with how it was before??? maybe if they still kept the subtly that they had done and with newer games continuing to build off of that, I wouldn’t be so put off by the idea. KH2 did a good job of building it, like when Sora imagined Kairi and him dancing together in halloween town--that was cute af?????? and well integrated????? and could STILL be taken as him just missing a FRIEND or yeah, a potential love interest! but just. jesus. you didn’t care about them being together then, don’t do it now because it comes off a little cheap.

also fuck Riku i guess???? kairi doesn’t give a fuck about Riku at all?/??? is the overall vibe i was getting???lmao aren’t all 3 of them friends??????? no???????? kairi only messes with sora and riku only messes with sora?????? can i get some uhhhhhhhhhhh riku and kairi time too or nah????? we had a moment of them at the beginning of the game i guess and then....that was....kinda it? so fucking disappointing how they write her man. she’s so much more than a love interest and there are moments when that shows, but there’s too many where she just....is only sora-focused? 

you want an example of how forced it was that they were switching Sora’s relationship from Riku to Kairi? now don’t quote me on this i could very well be wrong because i never actively listened for bkg music until DDD, but Dearly Beloved? the titular theme song for every single KH menu and emotional scenes? the theme song that DDD later ESTABLISHED in CANON that it was Riku and Sora’s heart song playing together????? a song that plays in some kinda version whenever Sora and Riku are having a moment??????? WELP. i wanna say they still kept it for Sora and Riku for at least one cutscene with them together. at least. i can’t name others, but they at least did it once cuz i remember getting excited about it. 

they now played it more frequently whenever Kairi showed up on screen, or when she and Sora were having a moment together. 

SORA. and RIKUS song....playing now for SORA and KAIri???? please correct me if im wrong, absolutely tell me if im wrong that im just not observant and it’s always been like that because tbh that’ll make this better for me lol but they just took Riku and went YEET. “Sora is the hero. Sora gets the girl because of course he does. Sora is GOD and fuck yall for not expecting him to have a love interest at the end of this and YES it will be a girl and YES it WILL be the one we keep forgetting about to make his love interest up until now because yall were getting the most wrongest ideas of where this was going so we’ll fix that right up for ya” 

i still loved the game. hell, even with the ending like that (”i gotta go save Kairi! again! even though we had a whole thing with the papou fruit about how she was going to save me and protect me this time! and i gotta do it alllll by myself!!! she has a keyblade you say???? she wants to be more useful to me you say???? well FUCK that imma go rescue her because im Sora and i am hero boy!!”) i still had a good time! it really is a good game, please go play it to get all the feels in the world, if this minor stuff is minor for you too, then go play it RIGHT. NOW!!!!!

but yeah. ya girl was disappointed by how forced it was. expected it, but still doesn’t negate how i feel in the end. so now im gonna indulge in soriku art. 

Rant over! if you actually read over this and wanna talk about it, feel free to hit me up! let’s rant together. maybe im wrong and too focused on my ship and i have ship glasses on too tight. 

[sove]

Vent // idk why i wrote it only reason this is posted is because i want to feel like im being listened

Anyone really pissed when they tell u "why are you so sad there's so much nice in the world and so much to live for and blah blajfdjfsgsgs"

Cuz yea i know?? I am aware and i know that there's so many cool stuff and so many things i want to do and i know that my life isn't over and everything will be fine but. I also can't really live it?? I know it exists and i know world is beautiful but everytime i tell myself to notice the pretty nice stuff i just. Can't. Idk why maybe i'm really tired that day or maybe someone said something that upset me and i can't stop thinking about it or maybe i did something stupid again

Everytime i tell myself to be productive and to "just start" i can't it's like something invisible is holding me down and it fucking sucks because i know that there's nothing really stopping me

And i try to like, talk to people i like and most of the time they are really nice and don't reject me but it's ME that fucks everything up because i'm so busy IMAGINING they are rejecting me or being mean and sometimes i just think abt it so much that feelings become real and i just start crying for no reason other than my imagination

And people telling me i'm smart and to try harder again and again but its rlly hard to try harder when ur already. Trying your best. And you have problems and u know you have problems and you donT WANT TO HAVE THEM but no one can help you or no one fucking wants to help you because how could someone who's so good at school possibly have issues and so years of trying to COVER up your problems come right back and fuck you over cuz you thought you could help yourself but i turned out you can't and now no one believes you not even ur mom and. It just feels so lonely

And your friends they have problems too and u can't talk to them abt your problems because you don't want to put pressure on them (but real reason u don't talk to them abt it is because your scared that they'll think you're only doing it for attention)

And it's just such pain in the ass cuz you want to be yourself but you're not REALLY yourself because u spent SO MUCH TIme trying to be what ppl expected u to be you don't even know if there's anything left of you or are u just faking your whole life

So yeh life can be beautiful but there's so many bad people and it's kinda hard to enjoy life when those who are supposed to care for you the most don't even know you/ are scaring you the fuck out and u can't even get away from them.

And i think life could be pretty nice if i could just. be NORMAL and feel normal and have brain that aren't stress machine because i tried to get over it and told myself it's nothing but it just won't go away

And yes there are people that love me and i love them back so much i'd die for them but one day they're gonna find someone else and it'll be over and i'll be alone and everything i built around these ppl will vanish and i'll just be whatever is left of me

I have interests and things i like to do and im so happy sometimes and then i'm just like "what even is the point" because one day i'll die and my family will die and my friends will be far away and think of me maybe twice a year and then they won't think of me at all and i'll just be this person with just memories and i'll know i did nothing with my life and be full of regrets and wish i could be young for just one more day. Exept i am young. Right now at this fucking stupid moment when i'm writing this and despite the fact that im ypung im doing NOTHING exept writing this kilometer long post on FUCKING tumbr about how some stuff are shit and just. Im disgusted in myself sometimes all the time

All i want to do is live. Life. Like a normal person and love some ppl that'll remember me and i can't even do that. Instead i relapsed I need to calm the fuck down. if you read this all the way down here i'm sorry also reconsider your life what r u doing here.

So yeah i guess those people are right world IS beautiful for some people and i guess im just not one of these people and once im gonna feel better i'll look at this mess and be like "bitch what the fuck was wrong with you?" But right now is not the moment

This whole thing is pointless and stupid and it doesn't tell one QUARTER of the things on my mind there's so much more and thats kinda sad lol

[freakofnormal]

venting

hi everyone i’ve had a really shitty start to the new year and i wanna vent about it really quick. i appreciate if you read this and offer any advice because this whole situation is so frustrating and exhausting at this point.

i started talking to a boy at the end of october. things were going well. we went on dates and he would sleep in my dorm. we kissed. went for drives. kissed more. talked a lot. at the end of november, he asked me to be his girlfriend (of course i said yes). i lost my virginity to him (which i absolutely do not regret). he met my family. everything was going so well. he lives about 2 hours from my home (he lives close to my college) so we’re kinda long distance when i go home for breaks. new years eve, we both made plans and decided to not spend it together which was fine. i was at my friend’s house, pretty drunk. at midnight, i tried to call him and he declined my calls but really i just brushed it off. about an hour later, i got a text from a random number. it was a girl that he was at the bar with. she told me that he belongedto her. she sent me a photo of them kissing. i, obviously, had a breakdown.

i texted him and yelled at him because i was so upset. at the time, he tried to justify it by saying she was his best friend. after going back and forth for a bit, he told me he had walked home (and sent video proof) and went to bed. next morning, we text to talk about it except he is god awful at communication. that day it was kind of okay. i was talking to my friends about it and they were obviously upset and said that i should dump him but then, as i was saying i didnt want to dump him, they said that i should do what i feel is right.

i dont think he did it to hurt me. i think he was very drunk and high (which is never an excuse). he apologized. he said he wouldnt try to justify it. he said he knew it was wrong, and he regrets it and wouldnt do it again. i made it clear that if it ever happened again i would leave.

as days went by, things remained off and distant, but it was kinda okay. i kept wanting to talk it out and communicate because i felt as though he wasnt being completely open with me. i was supposed to drive out to see him on jan 5th, but something changed in which the event we were supposed to attend had changed to being 21+ (i’m 18, he’s 21 and could not skip this event). i was upset but it was fine.

the following week, things continued to feel quite distant, even moreso. he stopped replying to “i miss you”s and stuff like that. i asked if we could hang out on the next saturday and he took hours to reply just to say “no my mom asked me to go to (insert city name)”. a little annoyed but fine whatever. a day or two later, i found out he was hanging out with the girl. i told him i knew and he got a little defensive but ultimately just grew a bit more distant. the next day i asked if he was going to break up with me. he never answered that question.

slowly, things kinda just went back to normal conversation. still distant, but it was progress nonetheless. i’m scheduled to move back to college this coming weekend. today seemed like a good day for he and i. we were texting, things seemed good and happy so.. i texted asking if we could hang out when i got back. i said i could take us to starbucks and buy him coffee. no reply. that was at 4:37pm. it’s 1:16am as i’m writing this. about an hour-ish ago, i got fed up and started crying to my friend.

it felt/feels like he’s avoiding having to see me in person. i texted him again and said “you dont wanna see me.” no reply. i went on to say how i had been nothing but willing to move on and forget that shit. i had only offered love and support for him. i said that all of this wasnt fair.

still no fucking reply. i know he was out at a bar tonight, not very busy.

i know everyone is just gonna say “dump his ass, you deserve better.” but i dont want to break up.. i want to give it another shot. i want to see if things change when i’m back at school and closer to him.

things changed so much so fast. we would text nonstop the whole day. we would talk about our sex life (sorry, a little tmi) and say how much we missed each other and slowly started counting down the days until we’d see each other again. we would send snapchats back and forth of our bitmojis in the love poses. everything was just so much different. it’s crazy to think that a month ago he was here at my house meeting my parents. and now i’m scared he’s going to dump me.

he should be the one fighting for my forgiveness. he should be offering to see me the second i get back to campus. he should be putting in all this fucking effort, but i’m just too fucking soft... i dont know what more i can do..

if you read all this, thank you. i’m on the brink of tears. i just want to talk to him so badly..

[daedalusdavinci]

1, 3, 5, 6, 10, 11, 13, 16, 20, 23, 24

send an ask: get to know your author

good god dirt. ok, putting this under the cut bc holy shit

1) is there a story you’re holding off on writing for some reason?

yeah, definitely. theres some longer ideas i have for batman fics that i dont wanna commit to yet, largely because im still learning how to write characters with did and im still fresh into comics, and i want to read more comics before i start writing a character im not as familiar with, yknow? like, i feel like i really need to read more stuff w the arrow fam and the bat fam especially before i go just saying things lol

3) what order do you write in? front of book to back? chronological? favorite scenes first? something else?

chronological babey. i take it one chapter at a time. sometimes if im frustrated ill skip ahead a little bit or leave it as a rough draft and fix it later while i move on, but thats not especially common for me

5) character you were most surprised to end up writing

answered!

6) something you would go back and change in your writing that it’s too late/complicated to change now

id make level 2 shorter. i wrote so much for it i dont wanna just not post the whole thing but i really dont like the second half as much. i think id also make ammfh more playful and less. personal. there wasnt as much emphasis on john being a trickster as i originally wanted and instead i spent more time like venting through the fic which feels. very exposed and strange now

10) write in silence or with background noise? with people or alone?

i usually write w music or white noise in the background depending on how much focus i have! thats why some fics have white noise generators recommended in the notes

11) what aspect of your writing do you think has most improved since you started writing?

ah jeez idk. i think i might be better at the flowery stuff and just like wording things? getting the right vibe down yknow

13) your strengths as an author

i think ive always had pretty strong dialogue. ive gotten better obviously, but its always been one of the easier parts of writing

16) are there any characters who haunt you?

answered!

20) do you write in long sit-down sessions or in little spurts?

a mix tbh. depends on how much time/focus/motivation i have yknow? like sometimes ill pump out 5k in one day and sometimes ill just write a sentence or two before bed. all depends

23) any obscure life experiences that you feel have helped your writing?

i guess rping lol idk being a fmst major i think helps me tackle more sensitive issues in my writing better maybe?

24) have you ever become an expert on something you previously knew nothing about, in order to better a scene or a story?

see. i have absolutely googled weird obscure knowledge for a story. however. the moment i finish writing it it leaves my brain again. nothing sticks. also i have a healthy appreciation for "no one gives a shit it doesnt matter" and i will just throw guns in a fantasy setting bc i dont care and cant be assed to do research. its fan fiction not brain science. pay me if you want better quality